#also my best friend making and commuting to worst fucking life decisions possible

[psielapki]

the horrors persist but so do i

[alwaysmychoices]

Not the End

Synopsis: With only 24 hours left for Charlie to decide if she wants a relationship with Ethan, Charlie and Ethan try to distract themselves from the weight of her decision. But what if Charlie can’t decide? And what if they lose each other?

Chapter 10 of the “with and without” series

Previous Series: “a weekend with dr. ramsey”

Pairing: Dr. Ethan Ramsey x MC (Charlotte “Charlie” Greene)

Words: 4k+

Rating: Teen 

Charlie waited for an epiphany, a sign, or a clue.

She looked in every passing face for an answer, but she avoided her own reflection. She spent the night agonizing over Ethan’s proposition, begging herself to fall asleep to see if her dreams would provide a hint. When the sun rose, she retreated to the safety and security of her morning routine. If she could just make her coffee, maybe she would understand herself.

His thumbprints marked her body and mind, and his constant presence in her mind morphed him into a fantastical beast – elusive and distant. She manipulated the image in her mind, painting him as a hero and a villain, but just before she could be convinced of either, the mirage slipped away to her barebone memories of tender smiles as he pulled her close and apologetic eyes as he distanced himself.

It was alarmingly easy to question her own memories.

All this time, had she been right to be so fearful of a relationship with Ethan Ramsey? Was it their doomed fate that pushed her to her lowest point, or had a series of unfortunate missteps blinded her?

A month ago, Charlie knew all the answers.

She knew that she was naïve and reckless to have pursued him in the first place. She regarded her past self with resentment and pity for allowing Ethan to burrow himself in her heart with promises he could never keep. She saw the ensuing chaos and months of painful mistakes as a learning experience. Charlie Greene was smart enough to never trust Ethan Ramsey again.

But was she really?

Sleep-deprived and mindlessly moving through her commute, Charlie didn’t feel smart. She felt angry and confused. Why had she broken her rules? Why had she thrown caution to the wind and exposed herself to danger?

Ethan had the power to hurt her deeply, and now, he handed her the same capability.

There was no safety without hurting him, and the significance of the decision weighed on her. She had every right to be angry at him for backing her into a corner, but something about it felt inevitable. Their current relationship was volatile and unsustainable. A decision had to be made.

She just wished she didn’t have to make it.

As Edenbrook came into view, Charlie mumbled under her breath that she regretted ever meeting Ethan Ramsey, but that was a lie.

The closer she got to Edenbrook, the further her stomach twisted. She dreaded seeing Ethan without having an answer to give him, but she could hardly avoid him all day. Her pace slowed as she attempted to prolong her distance from him, and with her gaze leveled at the door, she felt like she was walking a plank.

Little did she know that she wouldn’t make it to the door.

“Charlie!” Bryce’s eager greeting jolted Charlie out of her head, and she nearly winced at the foreign enthusiasm. Who could be that happy on a morning like this?

Charlie pushed her sunglasses off the bridge of her nose, balancing them on the top of her head as she scanned her surroundings for her friend’s familiar form. It was hard to miss someone like Bryce. He was too tall, too tan, and too devastatingly handsome to blend into a crowd. Soon, she found him by the basketball court near the door and, in an attempt to deter conversation, offered a polite wave.

Bryce waved her over, leaning against the goal post. As Charlie approached, he flashed a bright white smile and flipped his sweaty hair to the side, and interns audibly swooned behind her.

Charlie rolled her eyes, somewhat relieved by the distraction as she polished off her to-go coffee and leveled a cocked eyebrow at her friend.

“You did that on purpose.”

Bryce shrugged shamelessly, flexing his biceps he surveyed the scene behind her. Charlie looked with him and found a conspicuous group of interns and residents clustered near the door. Some were holding coffees and carrying on small talk, if just to warrant their lingering, but some boldly stared. Judging Bryce’s casual confidence and lack of surprise, Charlie wondered if this was a frequent occurrence.

“I did,” Bryce admitted brazenly, smiling even wider, “It’s my responsibility as the most handsome resident. I have a duty to those interns.”

“A duty?” Charlie repeated, amused.

“You wouldn’t understand,” Bryce mused as he shouldered his gym bag, shamelessly flexing his sweaty arms once more for the crowd, “I have to maintain the image. You, on the other hand, look like shit.”

Charlie huffed, mumbling a sarcastic “Thanks.”

He was right, of course. She hadn’t slept, and her indecisiveness took up too much of her headspace for her to think of much else this morning. She dressed in the first scrubs she saw, and as soon as her curls gave her any resistance, she forced them into a ponytail and moved on with her day. Her face was tired and puffy, and without the cover of her sunglasses, her under eyes were dark.

“No offense, of course.”

“Of course,” Charlie echoed in disbelief.

Bryce flashed a wicked smile and leaned in conspiratorially to ask, “To look that bad, you must have had a very good night. What were you up to, Charlie?”

What was she up to?

Just as quickly as it retreated, Charlie’s anxiety resurfaced. Only now, it was bubbling and hot and constricting. She regretted the extra-large cup of coffee as her stomach clenched, and the longer she went without answering, the more she squirmed.

What was she supposed to say? The truth was too complicated to share, especially when she’d kept Ethan a secret for so long. It was one thing to admit that she spent the night fucking her boss in his office, but it was another to admit that she’d been with Ethan. And she couldn’t confess her anxiety without sharing his proposition or the weeks of interactions preceding it.  

Charlie scrambled for a lie, and in the rush, she picked the lamest excuse she could.

“Just didn’t sleep,” Charlie forced a yawn just to prove it, and she internally winced. How would faking a yawn make her seem genuine?

Bryce didn’t look convinced, and Charlie recognized that she was in danger of being discovered.

“Right…” Bryce made a show of rolling his eyes, leaning in further as if silently assuring her that whatever she said would stay between them. Not that it would, of course. If Charlie were to reveal all of her secrets with Ethan, she doubted that Bryce could contain himself.

At best, he’d be so enthralled with the drama that he would feel compelled to tell someone, if just to check if they already knew and hadn’t told him. At worst, he would oppose her self-destructive behavior and would urge their mutual friends to stop her.

But Charlie was so overwhelmed and confused that, if he had pushed, she might have told him.

In the end, she didn’t have to face the questioning at all, and she felt a pang of regret at missing her opportunity to unburden herself.

“Lahela!”

No.

Charlie’s face dropped, and she was relieved that Bryce was too distracted by the greeting to notice.

Everything was too much. Her heartbeat was too fast, too loud. Time passed too quickly, and it was all too soon.

She watched in horror as Bryce waved his arm in a friendly greeting, summoning the familiar voice.

Don’t come, she willed him silently, I’m not ready.

But of course, that didn’t work.

Even though she recognized the voice, she felt a sting of shock when she saw Ethan Ramsey approach her. Just as she feared it might, the mere sight of him summoned more emotion than she knew how to process. Everything was fleeting yet so deep that she couldn’t form a coherent thought.

She missed him. She adored him. She felt a swell in her heart at the sight of him. But she also dreaded his presence. She feared his hold on her. She tortured herself with her own indecision and her failure to give him an answer. She hated herself for not understanding or trusting herself enough to know what to do.

Ethan, conversely, felt only one thing – crushing disappointment.

His gaze had only just found her when she darted her eyes away, actively avoiding him as he neared her. He could see the exhaustion and worry etched on her face, and his heart sank.

She’s not going to say yes, he realized.

He knew this was a possibility. Last night, he reassured her that she could reject him without earning his hatred. But none of that shielded him from the despair of a refusal.

Ethan struggled to regain his composure as he was socially obligated to approach Bryce after calling out his name. He hardly remembered why he wanted to talk to him in the first place, and now, he certainly didn’t want to. The only person he wanted to talk to was Charlie, and even then, he wasn’t sure if he could.

What could he say to her?

He wanted to comfort her in her obvious distress, but he hesitated to push her. There was something comforting in knowing she still had time to change her mind. It made his rejection feel less final, less devastating.

“You forgot your water bottle,” Ethan blurted out as soon as he reached the young doctors, shoving the bottle in Bryce’s direction. He felt the urge to run and struggled to resist it.

He didn’t know how to act normal. He wasn’t sure he remembered what normal was.

His memories were now skewed to Charlie. Surely, before her, he had done this before. He had offered himself and faced rejection. Charlie was a woman, not a life-altering event. So, why did everything but her feel distant? Why did he not recognize the man in the mirror?

Bryce stared at Ethan, obviously confused and perhaps even uncomfortable with Ethan’s changed demeanor. Ethan was trying so hard to be himself that he came off as a caricature of a gruff attending instead.

“Thanks,” Bryce thanked him tentatively, observing carefully as he took the bottle.

Ethan nodded in his direction instead of replying, and he cast a quick, fleeting look in Charlie’s direction as he greeted her, “Dr. Greene.”

Charlie opened her mouth to greet him as well, though she wasn’t sure how to. Could she still call him Ethan, or was she supposed to take the hint when he failed to call her by her first name?

But Charlie didn’t have to decide.

Just as quick as he approached, Ethan left.

Charlie and Bryce watched as Ethan walked into the hospital, his stride purposeful if not downright irritated. The crowd of interns by the door dispersed quickly under the heat of his stare, muttering that he was sure to be a pain in the ass during rotations if he was already in a bad mood.

They were probably right.

Charlie might have felt bad for the interns on the receiving end of his demanding mentorship, but she knew they got to leave it behind after their rounds. She, on the other hand, had the pleasure of working with him for the rest of the day. Charlie tensed at the thought. If they couldn’t manage small talk outside of the hospital, how would they make it through the day?

“That was weird, right?” Bryce asked, still staring at the door like he was trying to work out the scene he just witnessed.

“What was weird?” Charlie asked innocently, staring ahead to avoid being studied by Bryce. She wouldn’t withstand the scrutiny.

“Dr. Ramsey,” Bryce looked at her incredulously, like she was crazy to have missed it, “He was acting strangely, wasn’t he?”

Charlie shrugged with one shoulder, trying to seem casual as she deflected, “I mean, it’s Dr. Ramsey. What’s normal?”

“I guess…” Bryce murmured absently, consumed with the new mystery.

“I’m going to head in. You coming?” Charlie was quick to leave. If she gave it too much time, Bryce might just work it out, and she didn’t really want to answer the questions that would follow.

Bryce tilted his head thoughtfully, eyes narrowed like he was trying to see through a mist, but finally, he let out a deep breath and flashed Charlie a playful smile as he asked, “Are you just trying to get me in the shower?”

Bryce seemed to forget about Ethan and his strange behavior entirely by the time they reached the locker room, and Charlie let out a relieved sigh once he was safely distracted. She left him to shower and rushed to the diagnostics unit before Ethan could make it there. She collected her assignments from June, who was often the first in the office, and began her morning rounds.

Once she was working, Charlie felt the anxiety in her chest slowly dissipate. Distracted with work, she had no room to think of Ethan or his proposition or the complexity of her decision. She picked up extra jobs throughout the day, even stepping in to help a few interns during her moments of peace and inactivity.

Ethan similarly busied himself, but unlike Charlie and her friendly requests to help around the hospital, Ethan was a terror.

Every intern and resident who had the misfortune of crossing his path soon learned to regret it. Working directly with Charlie had distracted him and maybe even softened his disposition, so his young students had not faced his full intensity in some time. Some interns had never even seen it at all.

The first sign of his sour mood came during their morning rounds. Interns who bumbled or made mistakes were quickly and sharply corrected, and by the end of the morning, at least half of the group hated him. One intern almost had the nerve to call him out on his rudeness but lost their nerve under his intimidating stare.

Those who encountered him the rest of the day found him to be even more severe. He watched all of them with a sharp eye, sharper than he had been in quite a while. A few residents didn’t even realize he was present until they received his criticism.

The entire time, Charlie and Ethan did not cross paths.

They were surpassingly good at avoiding each other.

Of course, they couldn’t evade one another forever, and in the late evening, they ran out of places to hide.

The sun had nearly set by the time Ethan and Charlie faced each other again. Despite hours apart, it just took one look to take them back to the basketball court this morning – awkward, hurt, and strained. After that look, they didn’t really like looking at each other.

It was too distracting. They had come together for a group meeting to go over Senator Farrugia’s confounding test results, and they needed to be their best if they were to solve a medical mystery. Thinking about each other consumed too much brainpower and left them preoccupied and emotional.

They distanced themselves for their own wellbeing. Ethan sat at the desk while Charlie sat at the round table in the furthest chair from him. She kept her eyes on the test results and the whiteboard, actively avoiding his blue gaze. He felt her aversion, and it stung. They both contributed to the discussion, though they never directly conversed.

Late into the meeting, Ethan stepped back, allowing his colleagues to follow a train of thought on their own. He found himself watching Charlie, occasionally looking to the others to hide his sole interest in her. She seemed oblivious, but that didn’t mean she didn’t feel it. Despite his better judgment, he imagined her saying yes, and that proved to be the most painful part of it all.

He could picture it. He could see her smiling her bright smile and kissing him as she agreed to a relationship. He could hear their banter in his car as he drove her back to his apartment, and he could smell the dinner they would make. He could envision taking her to bed and waking up next to her.

It came so easily to him that it felt real.

And with a deep twist in his heart, he had to remind himself that it wasn’t.

He wondered if this was their future – avoiding each other as Ethan tortured himself with ideas of their happiness. If she rejected him, could he look at her in the morning? Could she look at him? Could they work together again?

Or was this horrible day the beginning of a new normal?

“I can’t do this anymore,” Baz groaned, head in his hand, and Ethan could deeply empathize.

During Ethan’s inattention, they had amassed at least a dozen new theories and crossed them all out. All three looked frustrated and discouraged, especially Charlie. This case only compounded the overwhelming flow of emotions she’d felt all day, and she cursed ever fighting to bring Farrugia to Edenbrook.

If she hadn’t poached Senator Farrugia, Ethan wouldn’t have kissed her outside of the bar. She wouldn’t have called him later for him to reject her out of principle. She wouldn’t have gone on a date with David, and Ethan wouldn’t have gotten so drunk that he needed saving. They wouldn’t have gotten comfortable again, and they wouldn’t have had sex last night. None of this would be happening if she had just left the patient alone.

Charlie excused herself from the table, leaving a pile of papers at her seat, as she crossed the room for a glass of water just to have a new distraction.

“This is particularly tricky,” June nodded to Baz as if it were an equal complaint, which only made Baz groan louder as he closed the cover of his tablet and massaged his temples.

“If tricky means ‘absolute hell,’ I agree,” Baz grumbled, and Charlie smiled softly into her glass as she watched them.

She could see Ethan watching them, too. She wondered what he was thinking. Was he just as amused, or was he irritated as well? Or was he thinking about her?

The last thought made her body tense, and she averted her eyes.

Charlie wished that she knew what to do, but after spending all day running from him, she was no closer to her decision. She was running out of time, and she swore she could hear the ticking clock in the back of her mind.

“On that note, we should conclude this meeting. We’ll pick up in the morning,” Ethan announced, visibly relieved to put the case away for the night.

Baz let out a weak “wooo!” as he let his head fall to the table, still working through his frustration. June shook her head at his display and collected her materials, wishing her colleagues goodnight as she left to check on a few patients before going home. Baz began to pull himself together, albeit slowly.

For a moment, Charlie felt frozen in place as it dawned on her that she would soon be alone with Ethan. As much as she wanted to stop thinking about Senator Farrugia, she wasn’t ready to leave the security of the group meeting. She wasn’t ready to run away, and she wasn’t ready to face him either. She felt as though she just remembered the passage of time, and the reality of her deadline hit her. Every step she took was a step closer to the ending, but she didn’t know what it looked like.

Charlie didn’t trust the fluctuating advice in her head that ranged from “say yes, you idiot!” to “run away and never see him again!”

All she really knew was that she didn’t want to hurt Ethan, but she also didn’t want to hurt herself.

Belatedly, Charlie realized that Ethan was watching her, and she cautiously glanced in his direction only to directly meet his gaze.

Yes.

Charlie was amazed by the thought. It came easily and so readily, and for a moment, she thought everything was solved. But then doubt crept in.

Dropping her eyes, Charlie mumbled an excuse about needing to check on her intern and hurried out of the office before she could be left alone with Ethan.

Once again, Ethan was disappointed.

He was amazed that he still felt it. For any other paramour, the indecision and rejection would have numbed him quickly to reduce the likelihood of future pain. Harper once joked that it was her first clue that he didn’t love her.

But Ethan did love Charlie. Maybe that’s what made him so ready to wait for her, maintaining his optimism with every blow. Maybe he was willing to play the fool for her.

Alone in the diagnostics office, Ethan evaded his own reflection. He didn’t want to see who he’d become in hopes that she would accept his offer, yet he knew he would sink much lower if he lost her.

Forty-five minutes passed, and Charlie didn’t leave his mind for a single second.

At his best, he thought about how he was thinking about her, and at his worst, he thought about everything about her.

While he sat in his thoughts, Charlie found herself running. He was everywhere, yet just when she could touch a feeling or an instinct, her mind instinctively distanced itself. Forcing herself to stay there and face it was a herculean task. Even as she tried, she couldn’t maintain it.

Why didn’t she know? When it’s right, you’re supposed to know.

Charlie paced the halls, finding odd tasks as she went to fill the time, but there wasn’t enough to distract her now. Each time she paced, she found herself a little closer to the office. She felt tied to him and was following an invisible rope.

“I’ll just say no,” she thought aloud, her voice a low mumble kept only to her. As she pivoted in her pace, she frowned and countered, “wait, I should say yes. Or…”

Charlie opened her mouth to speak, but her thoughts were too jumbled to produce a sentence. It was as if, in the chaos of everything flying at her, there was nothing left. She’d thought of it all and felt no closer to a resolution.

In her frustrated daze, Charlie didn’t realize that she was still walking. Instead of turning at the corner, she kept going, inching closer and closer to disaster. Maybe, subconsciously, she was ready to face him and that’s why she kept walking, or maybe she was so ripped apart by fear and adoration that there wasn’t room for another thought.

She kept walking until she felt a pair of familiar eyes watching her.

Charlie held her breath as she scanned the hallway. She knew she would see him, but that knowledge didn’t prepare her for the sight. She gasped lightly, her chest tight as she tried to remember how to breathe again.

Ethan. Her Ethan.

He watched her carefully, reading the precarious confusion in her face. He braced himself for another rejection, yet… he wasn’t quite sure he would get one. There was something in the way she looked at him – in the way she was still standing there – that made him think she might actually say yes, and that was a dangerous thought. In response, hope and optimism filled his chest, brushing over every wound with golden forgiveness.

Tentatively, Ethan nodded in her direction, still separated by at least twelve feet.

“Charlie,” he greeted her hesitantly, studying her intently for any sign of her answer.

Charlie felt blank. Like all she could do was stare back. When she realized he’d expected her to say something back, she breathlessly whispered, “Ethan.”

This was it.

This was the time.

And Charlie didn’t know.

She wasn’t oscillating between extremes anymore. She was very firmly planted in a field of nothingness. Every thought and idea and argument was out of reach, and she could only see panic-inducing emptiness.

Ethan watched her face twist as she came to this realization, but he couldn’t interpret it. He waited for her to speak, but his foolish optimism couldn’t stay bottled up. He wanted her to say yes so badly that he was willing to push for it.

Against his better judgment, he asked, “Have you decided?”

Charlie’s chest heaved as if all of the air had been taken from her lungs, and she stared at him as she tried to find it again. She stood still, yet she felt like she was running for a clue. She was trying to remember why she’d fought herself on both sides, hoping for an illuminating insight that would change everything. She waited for it to become simple, yet it never did.

And in the recesses of her mind, as she weeded through her feelings while staring down the barrel of nothing, there was a thought.

A small, quiet one. Yet she heard it over the noise.

Maybe the absence of a choice is a choice.

Here, at her last opportunity, if she didn’t know what she wanted to say, that had to mean something. Her frustrating indecision and urge to distract herself said something, but she hadn’t listened.

Maybe she’d made her choice the moment she ran out on him last night. Maybe this whole exercise was just an attempt to hold onto him longer. Maybe she already knew she would lose him.

“I-I…” Charlie stammered, still running. She was always running. She didn’t want it to be true as she finally declared, “I can’t.”

And then she was running. She was actually running. With each step, she was leaving it behind. She was retreating, and she was praying that she made the right decision.

Ethan stood in a state of shock, all of the hopeful warmth replaced with the bone-chilling absence of it. He failed to comprehend the devastation he felt, running just as she did back into his head. He lied to himself that there was still hope. He reminded himself of the time left before the deadline, and as he left the hospital in defeat, he told himself that this was not the end.

Because, if it was…

Ethan didn’t know if he could face it.

And as Charlie tried desperately to retreat, there was a thought she couldn’t escape.

She made the wrong choice.

Author’s Note: SO, I was planning for this to be resolved, but the chapter got long, and I was tempted to raise the suspense. I know you probably hate me and Charlie, but I want Charlie to be human. So, she’s going to be annoying sometimes, so will Ethan. I’m already working on the next chapter, and I can tell you that it has a much happier ending. 

I am sorry tho 

also, I’ve never said this, but in my mind, this series has a long way to go. So, you’ve still got a lot of chapters left if you want to stick around, even if Charlie can be annoying. 

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[flexi-lexi]

(/ω＼)ﾟ.+(〃ﾉωﾉ)ﾟ.+°50 More Interesting Questions

Rules: fill this out and tag at least one person you’d like to know more about! Or just fill it out! Or don’t! Answer only some of them! Make up your own questions! “What kind of requirement is that”, you ask? A reasonable one! Who am I to tell you what to do? Anything goes!

tagged by: NO ONE BUT @matsujunkie WANTS TO KNOW MORE ABOUT RANDOS SO HERE WE GO

1. What kind of food can’t you stand?: Bland food--unseasoned, monochromatic, flavorless food. Like, I legit feel a specific kind of depression when I eat flavorless food.

2. If you could choose one minor inconvenience to never have to deal with again, what would you pick?: Commuting to work because it’s such a waste of time. The dream is to walk across the street and just be at work, that’d be amazing tbh

3. Have you got any useless talents?:  I can type at like 94wpm lmao

4. If you could be really really good at one thing, what would it be?:  Public speaking--the sheer power behind good public speaking skills and general charisma is not to be underestimated.

5. Name a few people you think are extremely good-looking:  My bf let’s be real Also Emma Watson, Jay Park, T.O.P, Chris Pratt, Ryan Gosling, and Eiza González

6. What was your favorite way to pass the time as a kid?:  I played, played, PLAYED all fuckin day. When I lived in my house in the Philippines, I felt like I always had a million things to do--I’m playing kickball in my garage, I’m playing dolls with my sister, I’m playing pretend chef with my mom, so many things. And when I think I’ve run out of things to do, I’ll just watch cartoons lol

7. What is something you’re proud of?:  I’m extremely proud of my family, especially my parents who worked extremely hard and overcame so much struggle so that my siblings and I could have a brighter future. 

8. What’s one character flaw in people that you just can’t tolerate?:  Lack of basic compassion and consideration for others

9. Do you consider yourself to be more of a leader or a follower?:  I don’t often consider myself a leader, but people have always said I exude the qualities of one. I’ll only be a leader if a group needs a leader. Otherwise, I don’t think I’ve ever been a follower, I’m more of a collaborator.

10. What kind of student are/were you?:  I consider myself painfully average only because I hold myself to a painfully high standard. I think I did relatively well in high school and college, but I was always very hard on myself in high school for not getting straight A’s or not going straight to a reputable university. I’ve learned to ease up on myself in college. Instead, I learned how to be the laziest overachiever possible in college. My motto was, “What is the least amount of work I can do to still get an A- in this class???” lmao

11. Butterfly effect question! Has there ever been a seemingly minor decision you’ve made (at the time) that ended up having a profound influence on your life?: When I decided to sit next to some goody-two-shoes looking girl in 5th grade (lowkey because I was also a goody-two-shoes and I knew she wouldn’t judge me). We’ve been best friends for 15 years.

12. Name your most irrational fear/aversion:  Cockroaches and the dark

13. Are there any fictional characters you find especially relatable?:  As much as she annoys me, Sakura from Naruto is probably the most relatable character because she’s someone who has so much potential but struggled so much to become a better version of herself. She annoyed me in her early days because she was so useless but I think that quality in her annoyed me so much because I’m also kinda useless and I hate that about myself haha

14. If you drink, what kind of drunk are you? Alternatively, what sort of person are you at parties?:  I’m the social butterfly drunk; I suddenly become an extrovert and I’m just annoying af because I just scream my words at everyone. Alternatively, sober me is typically a recluse at parties--I will hang out with my phone, anyone I actually know, or the resident pet. Which is why I tend to drink at parties--I take the term “social lubricant” quite literally.

15. Do you fall in love easily? Or does it usually take a long time for you to trust someone?: Yes, it’s the absolute fucking worst. I hate it. I have a tendency to give people the benefit of the doubt, but I’m trying to lower my expectations of people bit by bit until it’s at a safe level where I can look out for myself.

16. Would you rather have one close friend or 100 casual friends?: 1 close friend, 200%

17. Do you consider yourself to be more of a slob or a neat-freak?:  I am a neat-freak at heart and my dream is to stay that way, but I’m also a really lazy person who can’t be bothered to pick up after myself until something’s been on the floor for 5 months and I start to notice it again.

18. Describe a place (imaginary or real) that you would find incredibly cozy:  A porch on a gloomy October day facing an autumn forest. Alternatively, the same porch but on an early July morning when the sun is just creeping up.

19. Do you have kids? If not, do you want them someday?:  No kids. I’m very wishy washy about kids. I tell myself I don’t want kids, but I still think about it every once in a while. Most recently I think I’ve been having baby fever because I keep imagining what my child would look like if I had one with my bf and what kind of personality he or she would have and how they would call me as their mom (mommy? ma? nay? mi? who knows) and how cool my kid would be if I could get it to speak English, Tagalog, and Korean. I don’t know if this is just a phase or if it will only get worse and more insistent as I get older...

20. What was your favorite book as a child?:  The Thief Lord by Cornelia Funke

21. Name one thing you just don’t get what all the hype is about:  Juicing??? Why are people so into juice and like expensive af juice??

22. Name one thing that you think is tragically underrated:  lol free education

23. If you had to be glued to a person for a month, real or fictional (who you have never met), who would you choose?:  Probably my papa’s grandpa, Alex Sr. Three generations named after him and I don’t know a thing about him, who he was or what he looked like.

24. What’s something you’d like the chance to do someday?:  Save a life

25. Do you typically speak your mind when you have a controversial opinion? Or do generally prefer to not rock the boat?:  I generally prefer not to rock the boat. I wish I was more straightforward, but the reason why I’m not is because I tend to get very emotional over things on which I have a strong opinion, and that doesn’t help me state my case at all. I think I’m learning to be more outspoken, though, especially because certain things just touch a nerve with me.

26. What’s the dumbest fad you’ve been caught up in?:  My entire middle school life and parts of my high school life was a dumb fad tbh lol

27. What’s something you thought was cool as a kid/adolescent, but now cringe at yourself for?:  Being punk/emo lmao

28. What’s a trait you consider to be very admirable?:  Conviction; the ability to stand up for what you believe in

29. Is there a particular kind of item people always tend to give you as gifts? (For instance, people always get you things with ducks on them because you like ducks, etc.):  I guess it depends on the person or my situation? Like, my bf always gives me necklaces and he needs to stop my parents always give me furniture and household items because I’m always too poor to buy my own. But overall I don’t think I get any one particular gift on the regular...

30. Do you speak multiple languages? Which ones?:  If by “speak” you mean “learned and know subconsciously but too afraid to practice,” then yes I speak multiple languages aside from English: Tagalog, Japanese, and Italian. I really want to learn Korean next, but where to find time and money......

31. Would you rather live in the big city or the countryside?:  Probably the big city because I’ve always been a city girl and I easily get bored without stimulation. But I also tend to get irritated by excessive noise and hubub, so if I could get a suburb that’s closer to the city side (where there’s more to do than just eat burgers, watch movies, and go bowling), then yeah that’d be awesome.

32. Has there ever been something you were certain you’d hate, but ended up loving?:  The book All Quiet on the Western Front. I saw clips of the film adaptation in high school and thought it was the most boring thing in the world. But then I had to read the book in college and it nearly brought me to tears.

33. Do you mind being the center of attention, or do you prefer the spotlight to be on someone else?:  In my imagination, I crave attention and want to be the center of it. But irl I push that shit away because when the attention is on me I become awkward.

34. Favorite holiday?:  Christmas

35. Are you a more go-with-the-flow type of person, or do you need to have things planned meticulously?:  I think in my heart I’m a Type B, spontaneous, go-with-the-flow type of person, but when I try to be that way I just get anxiety because my mind is too Type A to allow it to happen.

36. Is there something you loved so much you wish you could forget it and experience it all over again? (A tv show, book, series–anything.):  Italy, hands down.

37. What hobbies do you have?:  lol i hate this question because i’m reminded of how boring i am as a person watching TV, listening to music, reading, cooking, practicing makeup (a.k.a. watching makeup tutorials all day), occasional exercise, karaoke, eating, spending time with family

38. If you could have a superpower, but it was only mildly useful, what ability would you want to have?:  I really want to fucking fly but if it’s only “mildly useful” does that I mean my power will fail from time to time??? Because I am absolutely not down to fall at any point. So I guess invisibility? Because the power itself is mildly useful--what the fuck am I gonna do with it? Eavesdrop? Become a voyeur??

39. Something people are always surprised to learn about you:  It varies. 1) That I’m into cars (because people assume that girls aren’t interested in cars???) 2) That I’m a nerd (because I’ve learned to keep it on the DL lol) 3) That I wasn’t born here lmao (because apparently my English is “so good” lol bye)

40. Something that took you way too long to figure out:  That things pretty much never happen that way you plan or hope, but that things still somehow always fall into place.

41. Worst injury you’ve had?: All of my major injuries occurred when I was just a baby so I have no recollection of any of it. I think the worst was when a cookie jar fell and smashed on my tender two-year-old cranium lol

42. Any morbid fascinations?: Sure, maybe old-timey b&w crime scene photos, especially the super gruesome ones because when it’s b&w it’s somehow less nauseating to look at.  I also love “true” ghost stories and reading creepypastas and shit, even though I know it could potentially keep me up at night. Strangely enough, despite these fascinations, I still hate horror films. Go figure.  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

43. Describe your sense of humor:  Lots of slapstick, good deal of self-deprecation, a little bit of sarcasm. Bonus: I have a great appreciation for dry humor, but I can’t do dry humor.

44. If you had to be born in another era/place, which would you choose?  As a historian, as much as I admire certain eras, I know better than to ask to be born in a time when I’m way more likely to contract polio or the bubonic plague or be enslaved by Spaniards. I also thoroughly enjoy modern conveniences such as running water and grocery stores LOL I think I want to be born in the ‘80s in the U.S. so I can experience the joy, excitement, and prosperity of the ‘90s in the U.S. It seems like a very minute difference given that I was born in ‘92, but I feel like I’ve missed out on a lot of the ‘90s because I was way too young to appreciate it.

45. Something you are irredeemably bad at:  ~ S P O R T S ~

46. Something that sucked but you’re glad you went through:  Being kicked out of the house lmao Forreal tho, it was an extremely tough and humbling experience, but I’m really happy to be independent. Strangely enough, I feel like I have a much greater sense of love and appreciation for my parents now that they’re not always breathing down my neck LOL

47. Would you rather have a really godawful ugly tattoo in a place that is only slightly inconvenient to conceal with clothing (upper arm, thigh, etc.), or the coolest, most beautiful tattoo ever in the middle of your face? (Neither tattoo can be removed or concealed with makeup, and the ugly tattoo will deeply offend anyone who sees it.):  Ugly tattoo in an inconvenient place. Because imho a tattoo in the middle of my face, regardless of the level of artistry, is an ugly tattoo anyway, and it’s one that I'll have a harder time concealing.

48. Are you more of an optimist or a pessimist?:  I’d like to think of myself as an optimist but I think I come off as a pessimist. Does that makes me a realist? I don’t know but I just told my bf to stop buying lottery tickets because he never wins. You tell me what that makes me lol

49. What would be the most flattering compliment someone could give you?:  If someone ever told me I was “cool.” Because I’ve lived my whole life never thinking I was ever “cool.” Not “cool” as in “I want everyone to like me,” but “cool” like the way I look at someone who has accomplished something that changed the world or someone who stood their ground and gave no fucks about what others thought or someone with a fabulous and unique sense of style. If someone ever told me I was “cool,” to me it means they see something in me that’s admirable or even enviable, and I can’t even begin to fathom how they see those things in me but wow ok yeah cool I’ll take it thank you

50. Something you feel people often misunderstand about you:  Over the years I’ve put up a front of being super happy-go-lucky, even though I’m actually not like that 100% of the time. So on days when I just don’t feel like engaging with people, people just assume I’m angry or sad about something like no I just don’t wanna talk to people rn bye

Tagging: anyone who wants to open up to me, @me because i find these things fascinating as hell

[eldritchsurveys]

385.

1. What’s your favorite way to spend a weekend? >> I don’t have a favourite way. 2. What type of music are you into? >> The majority of it is some form of rock or metal, but I like a pretty wide variety. 3. What was the best vacation you ever took and why? >> *shrug* 4. Where’s the next place on your travel bucket list and why? >> I don’t have a travel bucket list. 5. What are your hobbies, and how did you get into them? >> I don’t know if I have any hobbies, really. Having a hobby requires some measure of dedication, I think, and I don’t think I’m dedicated to anything enough for it to be considered a hobby of mine.

6. What was your favorite age growing up? >> I don’t have one. Age wasn’t really a thing I paid much attention to except for the fact that being under 18 meant I couldn’t do shit. 7. Was the last thing you read digitally or in print? >> Digital. 8. Would you say you’re more of an extrovert or an introvert? >> Introvert, I suppose. 9. What’s your favorite ice cream topping? >> Crumbled Oreos. 10. What was the last show you binge-watched? >> I don’t. 11. Are you into podcasts or do you only listen to music? >> I’m pretty much only a music listener. There are some podcasts that interest me -- Radiolab, for example -- but the idea of just sitting there listening to disembodied voices for an hour at a time is kind of abhorrent to me. I’d probably be better with podcasts if I had a craft hobby, like knitting, because then I’d have something else to do while listening. 12. Do you have a favorite holiday? Why or why not? >> Christmas is my favourite, because I just enjoy it the most. 13. What’s your “Death Row Meal”? >> I don’t have one. 14. Do you like going to the movies or prefer watching at home? >> I like both. I usually go to the movies for things like space epics or anything else that I think would look amazing on a giant IMAX screen. Or when Sparrow and I go to see something together. 15. What’s your favorite sleeping position? >> On my side. 16. What’s your go-to guilty pleasure? >> I don’t have any. 17. In the summer, would you rather sleep with the window open or blast the AC? >> Sleep with the window open, although I do sleep pretty poorly in the heat. Maybe if the A/C was on very low... I guess. Doesn’t matter anyway, I don’t have an A/C in my bedroom. 18. What’s your favorite quote from a TV show/movie/book? >> I don’t have one. 19. How old were you when you had your first celebrity crush, and who was it? >> I don’t know how old I was, but I was randomly fascinated by Matt Damon for a while when I was very young. Still don’t know why. 20. What’s one thing that can instantly make your day better? >> I don’t know, I don’t think there’s anything like that.  21. Do you have any pet peeves? >> I have a lot of pet peeves. 22. Which meal is your favorite: breakfast, lunch, or dinner? >> --- 23. What song always gets you out on the dance floor? >> *shrug* 24. When you were a kid, did you eat the crusts on your sandwich or not? >> I assume I ate them, because I’m pretty sure if I had a habit of peeling crusts off my father would have punished me for it, and I’d remember that. 25. What activity instantly calms you? >> I don’t know if there’s anything like that, either. Mostly it’s myself that calms me down, and the activity doesn’t matter as much as the mental effort. 26. Ideally, how would you spend your birthday? >> I’m pretty fine with how I usually spend my birthdays. 27. What do you do on your commute to/from work? >> --- 28. Do you have a favorite type of exercise? >> Dancing. 29. What’s your favorite season and why? >> Spring. 30. What’s the best joke you’ve ever heard? >> I don’t know. 31. What’s the phone app you use most? >> Reddit is Fun or CloudLibrary. 32. Would you rather cook or order in? >> I’d rather order in. 33. Have your ever disliked something and then changed your mind? >> Oh, yeah, definitely. 34. What’s your favorite board game? >> I don’t have one. 35. How do you take your coffee? >> I don’t drink coffee, but when I did I either drank it black or with a little creamer. 36. What’s your most prized possession and why? >> --- 37. Is there any product that you couldn’t live without? >> No. There are a lot of products that it would take me a really intense adjustment period to get over the loss of -- computers usually fit the bill here -- but eventually I’d settle into equilibrium again. 38. Do you sleep with a top sheet? Why or why not? >> Yeah, but I can’t wear it in the summer because then even a sheet is too hot. 39. If you could have any exotic animal as a pet, which would it be? >> --- 40. Would you rather spend a day at the beach or poolside? >> Beach. 41. What’s your favorite thing about your current job? >> --- 42. What annoys you most? >> A lot of things annoy me on the same level. 43. What’s the career highlight you’re most proud of? >> --- 44. Do you think you’ll stay at your current company awhile? Why or why not? >> --- 45. What type of role do you want to graduate to after this one? >> --- 46. Are you more of a “work to live” or a “live to work” type of person? >> No. 47. Does your job make you feel happy and fulfilled? Why or why not? >> --- 48. How would your 10-year-old self react to what you do? >> --- 49. What do you remember most about your first job? >> Hating it. 50. Did you start working immediately after finishing school? Why or why not? >> No. I tried having a job while I was in school, because my father pushed me into it, and I was a complete failure at it and miserable besides. I got Social Security when I turned eighteen. 51. What’s the worst job you’ve ever had? >> --- 52. What originally got you interested in your current field of work? >> --- 53. Have you ever had a side hustle or considered having one? >> --- 54. What’s your favorite part of the workday? >> --- 55. What’s the best career decision you’ve ever made? >> --- 56. What’s the worst career decision you’ve ever made? >> --- 57. Do you consider yourself good at networking? >> I could be, but that’s a skill I never bothered developing because I don’t need it for anything. 58. What career advice would you give to your younger self? >> --- 59. Do you believe in having a “five-year plan”? >> I believe it’s a rational thing to do, but I’m not interested in making one for myself. That’s more Sparrow’s thing, because she has actual things to plan for. 60. How do you separate your work life from your home life? >> --- 61. When will you know you’ve “made it”? >> I’m not looking to “make it” anywhere. 62. Are you looking forward to retiring, or do you plan to work as long as possible? >> --- 63. Have you ever had “imposter syndrome”? >> Yeah. 64. What do you think about workaholics? >> I think that if someone’s passionate about their work, they should pursue that. The problem usually seems to crop up when they also try to have everything else -- a social life, a marriage, a family. If you put all your time and energy into your work, of course the other things in your life are going to go lacking, and when those things involve other people, that can’t fly. And then you get upset when the spouse leaves or the children treat you like a stranger. The fuck did you expect??? 65. What qualities do you look for in a boss? >> --- 66. Do you have a professional mentor? If not, do you want one? >> No and no. 67. Do you have a work best friend? >> --- 68. Are you into after-work happy hours? >> --- 69. How do you motivate yourself in your career? >> --- 70. What’s the best career advice you’ve ever heard? >> --- 71. What’s the worst career advice you’ve ever received? >> --- 72. When you started your current job, what most surprised you? >> --- 73. How do you pick yourself back up after making a mistake at work? >> --- 74. How do you deal with work stress? >> --- 75. What energizes you about your career? >> --- 76. What’s one work-related thing you want to accomplish in the next year? >> --- 77. Who has had the biggest impact on your career choice? >> --- 78. What does your family think of your career? >> --- 79. What’s the best thing you’ve learned in your current position? >> --- 80. If you could do it all over again, would you pursue the same career? Why or why not? >> --- 81. How much time do you spend with your family? >> --- 82. Who do you most like spending time with and why? >> Inworlders. Because. 83. Were you close with your family growing up? >> No. 84. How do you define your family now? >> Nonexistent. 85. What traits are most important to you in your family members? >> --- 86. Who are you the closest to and why? >> Can Calah, because he knows me best. 87. Do you want a family of your own? >> --- 88. What’s your favorite family tradition? >> --- 89. If you could change your relationship with a family member, would you? If so, with whom? >> I should have read through the whole survey before taking it, lmao. I can’t answer half of the damn thing. 90. What was it like growing up as the youngest/oldest/only child? >> I don’t know, I don’t recall it being like much of anything. 91. Does your family take vacations together? >> --- 92. What’s your favorite family memory? >> --- 93. What TV family most reminds you of your own? >> --- 94. Do you ever wish you were raised differently? >> Of course, but what’s the point of even thinking like that. 95. What’s the best piece of advice a family member has given you? >> --- 96. Do you wish you had more siblings? If so, why? >> No. I don’t see how having siblings would improve my life any. 97. Did you ever hide anything from or lie to your parents? >> Constantly. 98. If you had a family business, what would it be? >> --- 99. Do you and your family have any nicknames for each other? >> --- 100. What’s your favorite way to spend time with your family? >> --- 101. How do you show your family you love them? >> --- 102. Have you ever been to a family reunion? >> --- 103. What’s the most important holiday you spend with your family and why? >> --- 104. Who in your family would you describe as a “character”? >> --- 105. How do you feel about family events? >> --- 106. What’s something your family would be surprised to learn about you? >> --- 107. Which family member do you confide in most? >> --- 108. How do you deal with arguments between family members? >> --- 109. If you have children, how do you want to raise them? >> --- 110. What’s more important: family or friends? >> --- 111. Do you have any friends you would consider family? >> That’s not a thing I can imagine doing. I don’t really... get it, you dig. 112. Has your family ever pressured you to act a certain way? >> Yeah. 113. Did you ever get to meet your great-grandparents? >> No. 114. What personality traits do you share with your relatives? >> --- 115. What physical traits do you share with your relatives? >> --- 116. What stories did your family members tell you growing up? >> --- 117. How did your parents (and/or grandparents) meet? >> I don’t know, I think they just met in the street. 118. What makes you proud of your family? >> --- 119. Who’s the newest member of your family? >> --- 120. What can always bring your family together? >> --- 121. What’s a relationship deal breaker for you? >> --- 122. If you had only one sense (hearing, touch, sight, etc.), which would you want? >> I can’t answer this. 123. What is your definition of success? >> For me, it’s just... being content with where I am and feeling capable enough to take on whatever the future may bring. I can’t imagine anything more important than that. 124. Are you at all religious or spiritual? >> I suppose. 125. What are you most proud of in the last year? >> I don’t know, I haven’t really thought much about it. I do think I’ve reached a kind of equilibrium that suits me, which I am happy about. 126. What makes you feel most accomplished? >> --- 127. Who do you admire most in the world? >> --- 128. If you won a million dollars, what would you do with the money? >> I have no idea. Give it to Sparrow and she can figure out what to do with it. I’m a little repelled by the idea of having a large sum of money. 129. Which of your personality traits are you most proud of? >> Adaptability. 130. What’s the first thing you look for in a partner and/or friend? >> *shrug*