#realizing just how Small my world is
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I don’t know how to not either mold myself into a shape that makes it easier for others to stay, or let myself slip through a drain discarded instead.
#tiger’s roar#poetry? kinda?#…anyway just. feeling in a mood again.#brought on by the bone weary loneliness for people Here#realizing just how Small my world is#and how utterly Trapped my disability makes me feel#with even simple mobility aids to just TRY and see if it helps me have SOME semblance of a LIFE again#essentially and perpetually kept out of reach. because capitalism#even if I’m despairing I’ll never escape medical limbo. forget in time#just. insurance will not cover it. I can’t even try. because I cannot afford to try.#and…yeah. it’s hard to believe IRL friends would WANT to basically carry me around. slow down so I can keep up. do things less taxing#and just. forget a romantic partner. I don’t KNOW what’s wrong and will I ever know?#but I’m forced to accept that it’s Bad. I don’t WANT someone to take care of me. feel they have to#I definitely couldn’t bear their obligation and resentment. or using it to control me#feeling like when I do feel and crave love and companionship that. I’m doomed to swallow it. never express it. never explore it#and yeah I know it’s a distortion. something I’d never hold anyone else to. but it’s still damn strong#and I don’t particularly want to be ‘reassured’ that I’ll ‘find someone.’ I want to not be a burden.#(I definitely don’t want to be told I’m beautiful ‘inside and out.’ I want to not be objectified. seen as a person.#(and beauty doesn’t make me feel human. not at all. especially not while I feel like I might as well be rotting#(and shoved into a glass coffin if all I’m good for is to be Pretty and Kind and Sing like a fucking music box ballerina)
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armand + a few offhand lines that give some insight into how he thinks (imho)
#iwtvedit#iwtv#interview with the vampire#armand#please ignore the absolutely terrible coloring on these. photoshop was being my enemy today 😞#anyway this probably fully incoherent to anyone who is not me.#but there are so many inconsequential things armand says that make me go 'what is even going on in your brain that you would say that'#or small moments where he's revealing way more about how he thinks of the world and himself than he might realize#lowkey just fascinated by all these moments and wanting to talk about them and see others' thoughts 👀
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I'm a doctor, not a miracle worker.
[First] Prev <–-> Next
#poorly drawn mdzs#mdzs#wen ning#wei wuxian#wen qing#jiang cheng#Truly Massive disclaimer here: I am a Jiang Cheng enjoyer. I like his character. I enjoy that he is very flawed and volatile.#This episode of the audio drama has a lot of great breakdown scenes featuring JC - and they all deserve a feature.#But underlying this comic is a small meta comment of 'ah man I have too many comics of JC just wailing sadly'#My goal is to draw 6-8 comics per episode - I sometimes have to truncate and cut good scenes out.#Especially when a large majority is just different flavours of trauma and toxic relationships to your self-worth.#I would also like to make a note here that just because you lose the ability to do something that is very tied to your core identity-#-does not mean your life is over. It will feel like the end of the world. It will send you into a spiral of grief. It will hurt so badly.#Sometimes we do not realize how tied up our identities can be in certain things until we are cut loose.#You don't lose yourself. I promise the pain will fade in time. I promise you will find other things to tether you. I promise you will be ok#Life moves forwards. Time moves forwards. You move forwards.#Ego death just means an opportunity for ego rebirth. You are never committed to being the same person forever.#To wrap this around to JC: Yeah I love the twist with the core transfer but man I would have loved to see JC accept the loss.#Obviously it happens for a reason (story) but I can have my AUs. I can have these 'what-ifs'.#described in alt text#I'm trying it out! *please* give me feedback - I want to eventually Add image ID to all of these comics one day
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smth smth about 'the thing that the character did that you thought was rly rly funny in the moment is actually linked to a terrible trauma that lies within said character.' or wahtever.
#jrwi show#jrwi fanart#jrwi riptide#gillion tidestrider#made this within a short span of wahtever bc i gotta go up to the mountains for my stupid gay job tonight n im trying#nnot to frrRREAAAK THE FUCK OUUTTTTTTi dont wanna work but. get that bread we fuckin shall i guess#ONWARDS TO THE FISH TORMENT!! sometimes flowers feel pain when you trim them before their blossoming. atleast i imagine so#i used to draw gillion with loooong hair tied into a big ol braid. and then it was confirmed that he had short hair when he was little.#AT FIRST I WAS SAD. but then i realized the duality of. when they were little. gill had short hair. edyn had long hair.#AND NOW THEYRE OLDER. and gillion has long hair. and edyn has short hair#both mirroring eachother. looking up to eachother. subconsciously or not. they most certainly care. and most certainly miss eachother.#GILLION ALWAYS LOVED HOW LONG HAIR LOOKs. atleast i imagine so. he hasnt cut it since he left the undersea. sure he wanted to go back home#but even at the very start. he knew he was free in some way now. free to grow out his hair. an adventure would await him before he returns.#he knew it would be a while. so he cant let this go. he cant let this sought-after hair-length get cut away from him again#not yet. not yet. i like to think he loved music too. I SAW SOMETHING INTERESTING A BIT AGO#i see alot of ppl commenting on my baby gill comics like;'i wouldFIGHT this teacher i wanna KILL EM i want them DESTROYED#all very good and nice sentiments! i LOVE the energy here! and it would be nice. to have that catharsis#but the story of young tidestrider is not a story of catharsis. it is a story of agony and being so so small and so special and also so dum#and sucking so bad. and just being a kid and doing the things that a little kid does and so many tired tired people reacting badly to it#youre supposed to be the hero that will save us. our world hangs in the balance and you are the one who tips the scales.#YOU are supposed to SAVE US!! you NEED to SAVE US! CAN YOU PLEASE STOP SQUIRMING IN YOUR STUPID CHAIR!!#you'd think that young tidestrider ought to prevail. and be tucked someplace all safe and sound.#elders gone missing and rotting in a jail. their cultists nowhere around. but theres no happy endings. not here not now.#this tale is all sorrows n woes. you may dream that justice n peace win the day. but thats not how this story goes#BIG ideas for this lil baby gillion series. if anything i make ever gets disproven im killing myself in a well as to poison a water supply
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Jurassic World: Camp Cretaceous
Running Gag: "What Are You Doing?"
#jurassic world: camp cretaceous#jwcc#yasmina fadoula#do you understand my hyperfixation level#do you know what it was like when I reflected on the last one at work#and pieced it together with three and four?#do you know what happened when I remembered that she asks that to Sammy?#do you know how upright I sat as I watched Ben and Yaz's conversations the next time around???#I finally gave up#and then I realized the truth:#she was SUPPOSED to ask him what he was doing with the hand sanitizer but they decided it worked better without the question#thus you can see her development: quietly judging and being confused to having to handle the small ones to just chatting casually#all five of them#and you can't tell me this wasn't deliberate#...I may have to sound out the others too#other things I'm picking up are that Kenji may have a verbal tic#Sammy corrects people#already compiling Ben's Toro obsession#but this one hit me and I seriously feel like this was a fun game the writers had#again I'll have to see if I can pull it off with the others#I know Darius yells it at Ben#but also I feel like Yaz isn't impulsive enough to be yelled at by the group#so I think it's just her#ben pincus#sammy gutierrez#darius bowman#brooklynn#kenji kon
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big climb, big fall
#dark souls#chosen undead#gwynevere#gwyndolin#darkstalker kaathe#i guess thats all the important ones#had the realization that just like how i can make a sketch without ever making it a full art piece#i can just make small bits of animatics without doing the whole song#reaching the top of the world n being told a lie.... n afterwards descending to the bottom of the world n then being told the truth...#that was my thought process. hope u enjoy#draws#art#animatic#peppyrony#<- my chosen undead
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silly idea time
idk how this idea even started but the outfit i had in mind was way back from a doodle in 2021 or 2022, basically my 'what if' for temperance ending only instead of being wildly ooc and wearing a collared button up johnny becomes a cowboy. and because i was listening to vagrant song from wtwtlw (that whole ost really, and hardspace shipbreaker) i had the bright idea that johnny would finally become what his class in the ttrpg was an homage to and wander around collecting stories n telling them n kind of being a dead man walking/ghost story/witness/helper-bard r smthn but having been extremely tempered by the experience of v choosing to die for him, being shocked enough into actually thinking about his beleifs n what have you, humbled enough now to want to listen to others hed choose this path of wandering the continent of na, maybe for the first time in a long time actually taking in life around him yadda yadda. in my little scenario i also had it that even if/when the next corpo war broke out or the nusa annexed more free states, he wouldnt get involved like he used to, cause i think its interesting to muse on how a profound experience would greatly change someone so stuck in their ways like johnny. i think hed still be motivated by guilt and avoidance at first, but it would evolve into something more like a calling/altruism as he takes more seriously and uses more intentionally the time he was given as a dead man walking
also i realize how much of this 'outfit' is just putting v in a hat and calling them johnny like its some perry the platypus thing (also idk how to draw hats)
#plus i think itd be cool to see how johnny comes to the realization he can make small changes and that those matter#and that he was a little erroneously trying to move too many mountains at once in his first life#and that he was a little too much there just for the destructive violence and maybe not for better reasons#cyberpunk 2077#my v#johnny silverhand#yeah and morality pet steve guy would not be a thing its far too cliche im sorry johnny would not fucking do all that#my doodles#plus i think he was a bit disconnected as a rockstar/edgerunner from like... the toils#even tho he liked to talk about the grander toils and lived some specific toils but like getting more connected with the peoples toils#in a psuedo americana esque wasteland that is the middle of the former nusa#ghost story in the sense he doesnt leave much anything behind that ppl could follow or really describe n such things#besides like stories or conversations or helping out where its needed#also think itd be interesting for him to completely reevaluate what justice means in a world like this#fun stuff! i should draw out that sketch of him sitting with a coyote sometime...#nomad but like not in the clan way
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Pen tests....
#i had a bit of a crisis when i realized my signature 01 prismacolor finepoint In Blue is. on its last legs it seems.#that alone wouldn't be so bad IF THEY WEREN'T IMPOSSIBLE??? TO FIND????? LIKE ANYWHERE?????? GOT SO SCARED AND UPSET ABOUT IT#i went on a whole ass journey about it. my sister came in clutch to save me. also gave me a few dif options to try!#and the smallest prisma in blue i could find was 03. insane. is this my fault somehow. did i use up the last ones on earth.....#LIKE. cannot stress enough how much Blue Ink is important to me. i have never been able to make solid black ink Work in my art.#LIKE... only exceptions being a black and white piece. but as soon as i add color it just does NOT work...#it is. such a specific thing. that combined w the fact that i purposely Have to draw small scale or i get lost in the sauce forever#i really am. the epitome of new type of guy just dropped. guy who only inks in blue and needs to draw as small as humanly possible.#i feel like with time i can get used to the 03s though!!! and i have. multiple of them. all the blue 03s in the world are MINE now 😤#hopefully. this will last me a lifetime.#moe tag#thank you moe for being a very easy model to work with. unlike Somebody Else who has Stupid Hair....#my art
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“you insolent little bitch.”
-ansem, seeker of darkness (he definitely said this)
#beep boop you want fries with that#kingdom hearts#ansem#sora#i love how ansem becomes HUGE during his world of chaos phase#after finishing this i realized that this looks like its about to become the jerma clip#where he pretends to find a bird and then eat it#or the clip of scar holding up a mouse to his face#i know sora isnt THAT small in comparison to ansem in this phase but how much more funny would it be if ansem got this big.#i just wanted the silly visual of ansem picking up sora like Listen here you dumb little shit. (ansem’s calling him dumb not me#because he literally does this the whole game its super cute and funny)#idk why i feel the need to clarify. i guess im trying to say that im not ensnared by the fandom notion that sora is dumb or whatever#he isnt. dont let the fandom or dream drops (and maybe beyond but i havent checked) awful writing convince you that he is#seriously what the fuck is up with modern kh and being mean to sora. i guess the writers are into mean spirited humor nowadays.#SORRY THIS WASNT SUPPOSED TO BE A RANT#anyway. like always i cant draw hands and my anatomy is dogshit.#what else do you want me to say? [my lawyer has advised me to omit this part]
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You guys ever feel trapped? Yea I'm well-acquainted with the feeling of being trapped.
#*text#talk about unpleasant#sorry for only posting textposts here lately. I Forgot how I use this blog.#Also I'm gonna use this as an excuse to vent in the tags about something that's been bothering me today.#I hate days where it feels like I can't be the same person for even. idk. an hour?#I was gonna say just a general statement of 'I hate how I can't feel like the same person for more than an hour' but then I realized it onl#particularly bothered me today so maybe it's just a sometimes thing. throws hands up in the air I WOUDLN'T KNOW#It's just...nothing I do throughout the day matches. i keep starting new things only to forget about them (or forget how much I cared#about them) and try something else later. resulting in a long line of unfinished stuff and frustration.#I keep trying to come up with new conclusions/solutions to problems I've run through my head a million times already.#problems I didn't know I had or forgot about pop up etc.#I'll be doing fine and then I'll just feel stranded out of nowhere with no idea why and trying to figure out if this is normal for me.#I've felt stranded all day.#it's just ugh. i'm so confused. it's been a day i guess.#all the words i write feel kinda foreign to me sometimes. short term memory problems I guess. ✌️#but also I feel very very locked in a really limited worldview. or just like. my world feels very small like tunnel vision kind of thing an#for that reason it just feels like it'll go on the same forever and ever and ever. which is a very scary thought.#idk if my logical 'well that obviously isn't the case. things will change eventually' rebuttal is good enough to go against it.#so there you go I wrapped it all back to the point of the post: feeling trapped. yayyy#i don't mean to make myself sound so sad and pitiful. usually i'm doing fine and bad things kinda just don't register in my brain#but there are Secret Evil Feelings inside me that I don't even know about and sometimes I like to poke them with a stick.
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why does everything i get really into always end up being so god damn niche. by the year 2035 i am going to be blogging exclusively about the interpersonal relationships between the pillbugs and snails hiding underneath the bricks lining the flowerbeds in my parent's garden.
#im falling hard into the virvox guys rn sowwy. i like em a lot hee hee. i didnt realize just how small the fanbase for em was tho#actually i didnt realize how small the company that makes them were either. i got so used to the yamahas and cryptons of the vsynth world#that i forgot that like honestly. a lot of the voicebank makers and some of the software makers themselves#theyre like companies of like maybe 5 employees with like no funding LOL not a bad thing but i forgor#but yeah i was looking up to see if there was like. a fanon reason why people shipped takehiro and ryusei? not judging because i get it#i like took one look at the virvox guys and immediately slotted them as a very strange boyband (a catboy and a middle aged dragon man....)#and also took a second look at takehiro and ryusei and assumed they were childhood friends. i saw the doujin flash before my eyes#but also looking into it it seems the fanbase is also like. 20 people. and like 3 of them ship that#and at least one person ships whiteCUL and ryusei? why not LOL when it comes to vsynths sometimes a ship can be spearheaded by like#one very prolific artist HGDJKDFSHDJK which actually reminds me. honestly i dont really have many vsynth ships#i guess i dont really partake in a lot of shipping stuff deeply but i like romance!! you know i like love stories. you know this#i mean i keep calling the eclipsed sounds characters the celestial polycule for a reason tho. im not joking around about this#this is serious to me. they are stars and moons and suns and together they hang out and kiss. in the sky. this is serious to me#also i do like solaria x eleanor forte actually. its a bit random but i understand it. i understand it#and of course the aformentioned takehiro x ryusei. and also the whole virvox polycule. get that old man in here too#(what do they call people like me. a multishipper? i do that a lot. you know this from my otome game fanart LOL)#OH and i dont remember either of their names rn but i like that the cevio bank anju inami voiced has like a big fat crush on like#that girl with the brown hair. i like that theyre like. besties (turning into something more wink wonk)#thinks with all my brain. i think thats it. i dont know why theres so little. i think its because i think of them as like#audio sample libraries first and foremost and i forget about their characters and relationships LOL#but im not against the idea of making some audio sample libraries kiss...... not at all#picks up a guitar sampler and a sound effect cd. presses them together.#hee hee. they kiss
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I want you to know that you infected me with Dadnoir. Oh my god. Oh my god I love their dynamic so much. He’s afraid of his own mortality yet he wants to go and have the Hero and Partner live. And that fear is holding him back from truly helping them and turning against Dialga. Anyways, I’m going to sob now.
YOU UNDERSTAND ME.
#HONESTLY DADNOIR AS A CONCEPT IS JUST. built off how dusknoir saves these two pokemon#(kids in my specific au)#MULTIPLE times despite knowing he’s gonna leave that world in ruin anyways.#AND THE FACT HE STILL SAVES THEM AGAIN AND AGAIN#SOME SMALL PART OF HIM CARED. BUT HE HAD TO PUSH THOSE FEELINGS AWAY. HE HAS TO FOCUS ON THE MISSION.#is it ooc? YEAH KINDA.#DO I CARE? HELL NO. I LOVE PLAYING WITH THIS CONCEPT SO MUCH.#the idea alone of just. this intimidating 7ft ghost accidentally becoming a pseudo father to these two without realizing it.#just makes me so insane.#ANYWAYS IM GLAD I GOT TO INFECT YOU WITH MY BRAINROT DEAR ANON. YOU WILL SEE MORE ART OF THESE THREE IN THE FUTURE :] I PROMISE#dadnoir#asks
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It’s funny that I can only read/write AT fanfic that’s both (a) canon compliant and (b) not too sad by my (very sensitive baby) standards, bc ofc those things contradict each other a lot
#OH and throw in there no smut#my library is so small 😭#some of my fics are definitely too sad but I wrote them so its different?#blah I did a lot of writing abt how I can’t write today abdbsbndnsb it’s making me mad#mostly just that I like to write until I realize that what I’m writing is horrible terrible disgusting shit trash#jus talkin#adventure time#I just love canon and especially post canon!!!!! it’s so good there’s so much there#I do have a draft of a regular world modern day au and it’s fun to think abt but .. canon is more fun#also I think things feel less sad in the canon universe bc they by nature can’t be 100% exactly like our universe#plus I love my girls being immortal (ish?)…. bubbline ♾️#sorry I’m so sleepy today I’m just sayin stuff how is it like almost early evening rn what’s hallenjng#I hate that I can’t write anything that has like. grit or whatever. like I feel like no one wants to read this elmo baby shit but me#(& i don’t like the way I execute it)#like I wish I could write stuff that’s idk. cool.#that’s it ahdbbdndn
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chan hating himself is my roman empire
#how can someone so strong and capable and talented and gorgeous hate himself so much#like my god he’s so devastating#everything about him is laced with tragedy#the whole idea of loving him from afar (or any idol at all) and watching them say things like that about themself#and just not being able to. do. anything?#it’s so frustrating that the only way this works is that he has to put in the effort and realize his own worth but we don’t know if he does#or even will#because you can’t force someone to love them self or fix themself right#you can only love them through it and hope it’s enough#but it’s just sooo frustrating i’m#head in my hands he’s so devastating#i wish he was different#:((#he’s so beautiful and so precious i’m so ill#i wanna give him the world#and the way he always stands in the back and observes the group as if he’s detached from this whole reality#as if he’s somewhere else completely#the way he once said that if it weren’t for the members and skz he wouldn’t even be alive#like he got a second chance at life#like he was saved all because of them#the heartbreaking way he said ‘you don’t care about me’ to minho like he really believed that#oh i wish someone would just grab his face and drill it into his head that he’s loved and he’s important and he matters !!!#he’s so me i’m so him#maybe that’s why i find him so tragic#it’s a loop#waiting to find the thing that saves me#or maybe it’s just the small things around me that i’ve been taking for granted#꒰ soon you'll get better. ꒱
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And then I finally end it off with some doodles of them… they make me feel things.
#ringmaster doodles#sona art#( they’re very much the theme of. love in the face of the neverending march of time. )#( being immortal and knowing you will outlive the man you love because someone else deemed he unworthy of eternal life. )#( he may still have tens of thousands of years left. sure. but you know that those will go by and he’ll disappear in the blink of an eye. )#( and you’ll sit there on his death bed. wondering why did things end up like this? )#( wondering what you did wrong. and if you could have done something different. you’ll always ask yourself. )#( if he lives a life of happiness and comfort or did he live a life as gruesome and miserable as the wars on earth? but you won’t know. )#( and the more you think about it. the more you realize it. how nihilistic he was. and how he never seemed to smile even in the good times.#he always seemed to have a frown or a scowl on his face. he always seems bothered and unhappy. )#( so you wonder if it was something you did. because you know you aren’t perfect. you’re hardly good. )#( you wonder if he’s mad at you. maybe he was. but he doesn’t have the heart to stay mad. )#( and that’s love in the face of adversity. knowing that no matter how bad it gets. he loves you as you love him. )#( and you wonder why he never smiles. because he truly never does. and so you ask him. honest and true. )#( and he tells you there isn’t anything worth smiling for. nothing in this whole world. )#( but he smiles at you. it’s always small. and it’s always brief. )#( but that smile. that smile means love. )#( that hug. as flimsy as it may be. that hug means love. )#( of course. he isn’t affectionate. if anything. he detests it. he hates physical contact of any kind. you’ve noticed. )#( which is a shame. you love your hugs and your kisses and your hand holding. )#( but even if he doesn’t like it. he lets you do it. because it makes you happy. )#( and you learn that when you’re happy. he’s a little less miserable. )#( of course. not all love is equal. and not all love is fair. )#( the love from a lover and the love from the father can never equate to one another. )#( no one will love you in the same way a father or mother loves you. in the same manner. no one will ever love you the way I do. )#( because my love will remain with you. long after I disappear. )#( and as bitter as the idea of my own existence coming to an end is. knowing I did all of this for. essentially nothing. )#( that I’ve gone through all this pain and suffering and hardship just for it to all amount to nothing. for it to be fucking useless to try.#I get to die knowing that you’ll always love and be loved. and that’s enough for me… )#( … maybe there is something worth smiling for after all. )
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*through gritted teeth* don’t trust how you feel about your life after 9 pm or during your monthly hell, don’t trust how you feel about your life after 9 pm or during your-
#//vent#I feel so alone#whenever I’m jittery and excited and I gotta talk to somebody there’s never anybody there#usually because of time zones#everybody posted about how quarantine affected them but that’s just literally how I’ve lived my entire life#I want to get a shit job at Joanne’s I’m not kidding deadass I want to experience the mundane life everyone else but me has lived#I only go to town once every 4 months or so and I RELISH it. There’s a whole world out there. Look at all these people with lives as rich#and complex as my own. What I wouldn’t give to small talk with every single person in Fred’s and learn their passions and how they live#all I do is wake up feed clean and water animals that’s all I’ve ever done#I remember being in HS and loving lunch bc I could watch everybody laugh and eat and live#I never got to stay after school for activities bc my mom hated picking me up#I never got to go to parties past 10 yrs old bc my family was more important and they fucking hated me orbiting them#my family is all I’ve ever known and they don’t even realize how starved I am for contact#ANYTHING#ANYTHING AT ALL#ILL TAKE SOME OLD WHITE MAN HURLING SLURS AT ME I NEED TO FEEL ALIVE#I need to feel the bitter sting of life and live#and I don’t even have online friends to play with like yeah I occasionally talk to my besties on here#but I can’t bring myself to ask for anything more
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