#realised ive never posted a drawing of me before!!!

[nicolloyd]

heyyyy guysss its my birthday!! :))) 🎉

[n0bluev]

@fushiglow hmm….wonder who i’d draw this for all of a sudden and why… 🤔🤔

[konigsblog]

hiiiii i LOVE your writing sm and i also LOVE angst so i was excited to see your post about an angst prompt so heres one ive been thinking of

i feel like ghost would be someone who would quickly put up walls when he felt he was getting too close to someone, so when he and reader get to the stage where they both clearly like each other but its not official, ghost would start acting cold, saying he was too busy for a date when he would just sit on his phone, looking at photos of reader, and then he would act like you were the idiot, like he never saw you the way you did, as if there was nothing between the two of yours, all because he's too scared to lose someone he loves.

kinda long sorry (ಡ᎔ಡ)

thank you so much for your kind words, i really appreciate it and it doesn't go unnoticed, thank you a lot for your support, you're so sweet <3;

he's lost too many. soldiers, friends, siblings, parents. he couldn't bare the idea of letting you into his life, visiting your grave in the future, a bouquet of your favourite flowers placed on the dirt. he saw your kindness, appreciation, your effort to make him your friend, and despite being pushed away multiple times, you never gave up.

it almost made him frustrated. just drop it, corporal. he'd curse, swallowing his words before turning his heel away from you. simon wanted you, he needed you, desperately - but the flooding thoughts that kept him awake at night was enough to turn a blind eye to your attempts. why did you want him so badly?

although you wanted eachother, it was useless and pointless. seeing you on field would disrupt his skills, becoming worried when you got hit, risking his life just to be able to save yours. he would do that anyway, romantic or professional, but he used that as an excuse, another reason to push you away.

but when you actually stopped bothering him, he felt ill. sick to his stomach now at the lost presence following him 24/7. ghost, could we meet up for coffee together? are you alright, simon? you don't seem to like me that much, am i doing something to upset you? i'm sorry, ghost, i wasn't trying to anger you..

he'd recently blown up at you. his nightmares kept him awake at night truly, but he blamed you for your constant, tiring and repetitive attempts to draw him in. “fuckin' drop it, corporal. would you stop bothering me? it's repetitive and clear that i clearly don't need, nor want you.”

to say his words didn't burn was a lie. he could see the tears forming in your eyes, glassy and glistening, nodding your head before leaving him, alone.

i'm sorry, fuck. why did i do that? i fuckin' lied, i need you, why would i say something like that.. the cold heart inside him shattered as he realised what he'd done; even if he had deal with the heartbreak of another death, he'd also have to live being alone if he never let anyone in, including you, the one he truly and genuinely desired.

”i needed you, sweetheart, i shouldn't of said the things i did, god-.. i'm so sorry.” his voice was a whisper, holding your limp, motionless body in his arms, unable to save you as blood gushed from your wound. a lifeless corpse he held, sighing as he visited another grave of a person he'd pushed away, despite his true need for her.

[cringefail-clown]

You and Karkatting are some of my favourite blogs—thank you for supplying my DirkKri fascination! I think I found out about the ship through this drawing, and have since been EYEING the DirkKri tag for any more content for months. Your latest post about Dirk and Kankri's dynamic has been my cup of tea that I have, frankly, been brewing over and sharing with all my friends.

You have no idea how much I love hearing about their antics, no matter if it's in a red or black quadrant; I'm scurrying down the gutters like a brood of mosquitoes whenever I hear about your character and relationship analyses. Keep up the amazing work, stay hydrated, and I wish you a good day!

awee thank you! im glad! happy to hear my musing about those guys is enjoyable! figuring out why the character is the way they are, what caused it and what makes them tick is my favourite past time. especially kankri and other alpha trolls, since they were intentionally designed to be parodies of popular then subcultures of people on the internet and in general (karkat even calls it out, calling them one-dimentional caricatures. ive been reading openbound again and the on-the-nose callouts that these characters are flat on purpose has taken me aback a little lmfao. i didnt remember hussie being this blatant about it, but tbh its been some time since i read it). but applying the Character Analysis Lense on them makes them so much more fun.

people just dont become like that just because. theyre never one-dimentional caricatures, so there has to be a reason for alpha trolls behaviors. its either an act, or something along the lines rewrote their brain so much it turned them into dipshits along the way. you examine the tidbits weve got about the society on beforus, realise it wasnt as idyllic as its seem at first glance, and weve got the ball rolling. imma stop myself there before i go on a even longer tangeng lmfao

the point is, i love dirkkri and im happy you like the art i make for them!! we desperately need more lmfao. also that comics amazing, i shed real tears when i first saw it. karkatting is a godsent to dirkkri community

[a-whispering-echo]

i saw band requests and you mentioned Red in ur last post so yk 👉👈

only if you wanna

YESSS! Red! here!

So, hes a drug dealer here -oop. hes 25 and about 5'9. he sees like a right dick, a real THREAt, but hes a sweetheart, really.

He dated Dust when he was 18, and Dust was 15. wanna make it clear that Red DID NOT know of Dust's age! Dust looked older than he was at the time due to malnutrition and living on the streets at the time, and Dust LIED about his age to Red! When Red learnt that Dust was younger than he said, he broke it off with him instantly. They have a somewhat brotherly relationship now; Red looks out for Dust and calls him 'Kid' now.

Red still deals to Dust - just weed though! Sometimes Dust pays with money, sometimes sexual favours. His partners all know about both the drug use and the payment methods. Theyre okay with it!

Well, mostly.

Cross fucking HATES Red! Cross was besties with Dust when he started dating Red, and Cross could see that Red was a bad influence on Dust. getting him into all sorts of dark and dodgy shit; hes the reason Dust smokes to this very day, in fact! And yeah, maybe some of that hatred was caused by younger Cross' 'little' crush on Dust from back in the day... Regardless, Cross decked him in the face once.

Cross doesnt know how the relationship ended because he was shipped off to boot camp by his father while Dust was still dating him, and then when Cross got out, he joined the Stars. Cross never contacted his old friends when he was shipped off, wasnt given the CHANCE to, and then by the time he came back, all his old friends had formed a band without him and had made it big. He assumed they simply were not interested in him anymore. And hey, if he dated Dream, so sweet and kind to him, if he squinted he could almost trick himself into believing he was Nightmare.

Dust thought Cross left BECAUSE of him dating Red. He knew Cross didnt approve, knew he didnt like Red, and literally after just a few weeks after a physical altercation between the two, Cross disappeared off the face of the earth? Obviously, it was his fault, and Dust realised that he himself was USING Red; for shelter for food, heck, for drugs! And that wasnt fair to Red. So, he came clean; told Red what he did, what hes doing, and his lie, and obviously, they broke up. They are on... amicable terms now, obviously.

On an entirely separate note, i actually am SO proud of how this drawing came out! If im being honest, ive always been slightly scared of drawing, not only black characters, but characters who are of another race to my own, because i dont want to fuck it up, and accidentally make some racist caricature, which, like, i know is just my anxiety, but its stopped me from drawing characters before. So, im honestly so pleased with how he came out! I think he, and all the other characters ive drawn, have actually come out very well, and im pleased with the results! And i think thats finally broken down my caution with straying from drawing them <3

[averys-happy-space]

my Concept of them has changed so much in the past ~4 months bro. rambling under the cut

height - ok this is a major one cuz if u search for my old height chart drawing u will see i put buster at like 6'1 i think and fang 5'8/9 or something like that. basically both were a lot taller than what i think now. thats just cuz back then i didnt hc them as trans so i gave them heights that i thought suited them based on the idea that they were cis males. but the more that ive spent time w these two and the more i think about them with the specific perception of them as trans men, the more i realised i liked it better if they were shorter to reflect avg afab heights. fang is actually my height (shoutout!) and buster is 5'8 just cuz it felt right. no real other explanation it's purely vibes based. though i will add that i dislike significant height differences so that does contribute to why i prefer having them with a difference of only 3"

age - i like middle aged men 😢 sorry

gender - do you want to hear my entire detailed transition timeline hcs for these two? no? well you clicked on read more so suck mt dick because im subjecting ypu to it anyway.

fang - starts T at 18. he does DIY HRT because 1. trans healthcarw is Balls and 2. why jump through 10 million hoops of bureaucratic nonsense when your gymbro will deal you steroids? periareolar masectomy + salpingectomy at 21. i think fang does not have strong bottom dysphoria and actually has very minimal dysphoria in general due to having grown up in a relatively accepting environment & family who has never cared if he presents masculine, hence despite having an afab body, his self concept of himself as being a man is very strong and secure. this is based on my own experience btw i could write an entire essay on why i believe dysphoria is not necessary to the trans experience due to being a result of perception and internal & external conceptualisation of oneself but that is irrelevant to this post. the point is fang lacks strong bottom dysphoria and coupled with the fact he 1. is poor and 2. does not particularly want to deal with the healing/recovery process of bottom surgery or the potential complications it can involve, this means that he does not seek out bottom surgery. eventually, the longer he is on T, the attractiveness of bottom surgery only diminishes further since i think he would havw crazy bottom growth esp after like a decade. so like there is not really any point. however i will say ive thought of it before and did decide that if fang ever did get bottom surgery, he would get ALT phallo. reason: he has thick thighs

buster - starts T at 19. he does it the legal way because he is a good boy and also is terrified of being charged with possession of illegal substances so you know. that charge is so fake btw i know and understand why T is a controlled substance but like imagine being charged with "illegal possession of testosterone". that shit is fake af. but anyway buster gets inverted T masectomy at 20 and RFF phallo + hysterectomy at 24. if you were ever curious why i draw buster with a section of his forearm shaded, this is the explanation, its the RFF scars.

sexuality - i think fang does not care about labelling himself so just uses queer. buster is gay. self explanatory

big/little spoon - i don't think either has a preference, they just do qhatever they feel like doing in the current moment, hence why thwyre both in the middle

lends/borrows clothes - heres a fun hc: the jacket that fang wears in his fanguard skin is stolen from buster and thats why its oversized.

pet names - in regular conversation i can see fang using pet names jokingly if hes teasing buster, but other than that not really. buster wouldnt use pet names in regular conversation at all either. the only reason they arent all the way left is because Bedroom Reasons. (im not explaining that hc bc i have irls who follow me)

intro/extroversion - self explanatory. fang finds comfort/energy/relaxation in interactimg with others, going out etc whereas buster finds those things in being alone. middle ground is that they both enjoy being in one another's presence without necessarily actively engaging in the same activity or talking (shoutout parallel play!)

affection - i think both of them would express affection verbally and nonverbally, its just rhat fang leans more towards words due to his nature of being extroverted- hes always seeking out ways to strike up a conversation with buster. in contrast buster leans more towards doing things for fang and touching him even if its just holding his hand.

confession - i have an entire fanfic half-written based on this because there are so many factors that go into this hc that i dont think i could adequately explain in this post. but in short, fear of abandonmenr + fear of rejection = refusal to act on feelings and denial of any chance of those feelings being reciprocated

bugs - to be completely honest i do not think either would scream or squash bugs. i think both would see a bug and, depending on the bug and where it is/what its doing, would either leave it alone or try to capture it to release it outside. basically neither of them have particularly strong reactions to bugs

car - i dont think ive ever said this on tumblr before but i hc buster has a pickup truck and fang has a motorcycle. therefore buster is further left because he would be better at driving a car since the pickup is more similar to a car than the motorcycle is. also because buster is a safer/less reckless driver

cook - fang is asian.

pda - i think they like holding hands and sneaking kisses here and there but they wpuldnt full on make out in public or something.

overprotective - fang is overprotective in the sense that he would beat the shit out of you if you talked shit about buster. buster is overprotective in the sense that he is constantly trying to convince fang to Not Do stupid things. (this does not stop fang from Doing those things anyway and suffering the consequences of it.) both of them would probably jump in front of oncoming traffic to save the other if they had to. but ultimately they do trust each other and even if they think the other is making a bad choice, if theyre insistent on it then they won't interfere and will simply offer support and comfort if things go haywire.

relationship experience - fang has more experience technically but most of his past relationships were fwb or just very surface level due to him being unwilling to show vulnerability even to those who were supposed to be closest to him. buster has some experience but none were particularly good

[jelliestar]

MORE SSP 1 SORRY

um um sorry i got distracted and hit post but also I dont wanna make one giant post so i think it was prpb for the best ANWYAY

OK SO As part of the whole process of figuring this stuff out, we had a few workshops in class that tbhhh i found rly helpful. There was one where like we were timed and then given categorical guidelines to make images. I neeeed to find the typography work I did tbh bc I think i cooked like?

to explain more, my first language is hindi, and ive never seen like, a cursive typeface in hindi. and so i thought i would try my hand and designing one (And soon realised exactly why I've never seen one before) but yeah! if im lucky and find it, you should see a pic or two of it riiiight hereeee:

So I did this in my sketchbook with poscas bc I forgot my brush pens at home... but yeah as you can see um. this did not rly go to plan, tho it was definitely worth trying out!

as well as this, I made a really stupid joke art of Varuna and Yama referencing a silly meme in the jjk fandom (Varuna summoning yama like how megumi summons mahoraga) so! that was also fun since it let me play around with my designs again :)

YAMA LOOKS SO STUPID HELPPPP LMFAO I love being anle to draw my girls for my assignments im actually so happy <3

ANYWAYYY

so yeah after this I wrote out a rough draft of my brief, essentially saying that I wanted to create an interactive outcome to showcase my own personal experiences of growing up as a poc, nonbinary lesbian! This was still very much in development, but it was a starting point.

[roffmychest]

(cw fetish mention, long post)

when i was in the 4th grade i got REALLY into pokemon and conciquently i found.... pokemon transformations..... through deviantart, being VERY young and getting bullied alot i just imagined myself turning into a pokemon like those comics and wishing i could just turn into one and live my life alone.. and i got VERY fixated on transformation artwork NOT KNOWING IT WAS FETISH ART i drew alot of pokemon transformations during the after-school homework program and i assigned my classmates pokemon and id imagine them turning into them while were lost in the mountains and i magically didnt get bullied anymore or something i even requested like 5 different artworks, i used to speak to someone on discord who would have written for free the above story i had in mind and i had to block them out of nowhere once because they were making me uncomfortable, now again i was 10-11

i tired to get into it again, 2020 (before my bday, i was 12 at the time) i had an account on twitter (it might be still up), at this point i still did not know it was werid as hell and just thought the idea of shapeshifting is super cool! but just ended up abandoning it cuz i got into other stuff anyway

2021.. i was 14 and i was going through the WORST sad state of my life (not calling it depression or anything, just know i wanted to end my own life very badly) i had a now deactivated anon vent account on twt that id throw whatever and i tried to get into transformation again, at this point i FINALLY learnt that its seen as a fetish and i feel like ive been lied to the whole time even though i definatly have not been, i made the mistake of trying to show it to my old priv account with followers (in the end didnt use it) because i just, wanted to become a different character i liked and dissapear and to live their life and not deal with whatever i was dealing with, im so mad at myself, i just like shapeshifting and i wanted to , as i said, dissapear so to learn the thing that brought me comfort when i was 10 was ...fucking werid devistated me, before that i even wrote a story with a person my age (WITH THEIR PERMISSION, WE TALKED ABOUT THIS BEFORE HAND) turning into our fave characters in a mobile game that we were fixating one

im now 16 and i have not gone back to thinking about it, i made a oc during my time as a 14 year old that can shapeshift into a dog and im terrified that people will associate it with that fetish, though its a oc in a kids game so probably not but the thought still scares me, i NEVER saw it sex appearing in any way, its NOT a fetish to me, but i never knew and it made me feel terrible

i hate myself for going down this path and beliving it was ok for so long, i hate myself, i hate the fact i tried to revive it, i hate the fact no one realised how werid it was i hate the fact i spoke to someone who made me uncomfortable and wrote free fanfictions for me i hate everything i dont care if i was at my lowest points of my life i shouldnt have looked at that at that age even if i had unrestricted internet beforehand, i do not blame myself for not knowing it was fetish art the first time and having to lie about my age because of deviatarts policy, but fuck deviantart and fuck myself for not realising it sooner and tried to get into it again and again

the only thing i dont hate is that it made me draw more, i wish i could just go back and throw myself warrior cats or something instead to grow up w something different, im sorry to the people on my old priv account if they my reblogs im sorry im so fucking sorry even if theyve forgotten by now i feel sick

.

[menalez]

i'm sorry if this is going to be long but i'm honestly a bit at my wits ends here. nearly a week ago, i was hit with the strongest realization in my life that i am prob a homosexual who's severely traumatized by everything that's happened to me and hence why it took me a very long time to come to terms with it. i held onto other labels like my life depended on it and although i used the lesbian label before, it was a couple of years ago and it was only for like a month or so before i doubted myself, freaked out, and went with another label. i thought, okay, that's it, i am done with that mess and can just move on with my life. idk what happened recently, but it was a combination of coming across a post by a straight woman who thought she was bi/les before realizing that being online destroyed her brain and made her think she wasn't attracted to men when she clearly was, and how she realized it finally because she noticed only being sexually aroused easily by men's bodies (like when they are topless at the beach or smth), plus a documentary i saw about gay conversion therapy that featured a gay man talking about how he was desperate to be normal and chased after marriage with a woman "with a vengeance" (a thought process i am very familiar with).... there's other things but i don't want this to get too long or triggering for other ppl so i'll stop here. but just like that, it hit me like a heavy truck that i was only into women this entire time and just hated myself so much. didn't helped that many people in my life, including perfect strangers, telling me that they think i'm actually gay. but then i see posts on yr blog about "so called lesbians coming out later in life are actually just bisexual" and now i'm like.... idk what to believe anymore. i wish i can talk about this with other lesbians about this and just let them all determine what i truly am, because the last thing i want to do is come out and then a man comes into my future and ~change everything~ lmao sounds so stupid when i wrote it like that but yeah. i don't want to hurt lesbians with this, but i also don't have to feel like living a lie anymore or keep trying to "heal: myself because anytime i try to do so, even if it's something as simple as looking at pictures or drawings of a p*nis, i feel so disgusted i want to throw up. i know for a fact that there has never been a moment in my life where i felt that real sexual desire over men or male bodies or anything like that, but all of that gets muddied when other factors have been thrown in due to my life events, if that makes sense. like i'm sorry if this sounds horrible but there is a part of me that hopes i am not a homosexual. i love gay men and lesbians just like anyone else, but i just don't want this to be true. i feel like my life has already been hard for other reasons, and putting this on top of everything else will be too much for me to handle and i'll just end up killing myself over it in the end. i want to live and be happy, but i'm just so conflicted over this topic.

just to clarify, i have never argued that the age in which a lesbian comes out means shes actually bisexual or not. i was complaining explicitly about how many bisexual women will use the label lesbian upon realising their same sex attraction later in life, will talk about having been into men etc but will say theyre lesbians *now*. i take issue with these women because i believe there are genuine lesbians who came out later in life being overshadowed by this phenomenon of bi women leaving their ex-husbands and then claiming to be lesbians bc they decided after 2 decades of dating men that they only want to date women (which is fine, but exclusively wanting to date women and exclusively being into women are overlapping yet different things). i think it harms actually "late bloomer lesbians" bc a lot, that ive seen, using that term are indeed bisexual not lesbians.

that said, i can understand your mindset and where you're coming from. but take it from me, rejecting your sexuality and wishing it away and trying to ignore it and trying to change it etc will simply not work. you may ultimately be wrong, sure, and for that reason i encourage you to take your time thinking over your life and analysing your feelings towards men if necessary, and only when you're sure of it declare what your sexuality is. sure, you may end up wrong somehow regardless, there's no guarantee that despite our certainty that we are the sexuality we believe ourselves to be. but if you push yourself into the closet and deny yourself and reject yourself bc of the off-chance that maybe just maybe you're actually bisexual with such a strong preference for women (despite having no history of being into men nor hints of that attraction to them) isn't going to help you either.

your fear does make sense. i went through similar when i was coming to terms with my sexuality and i absolutely did not want to be a lesbian. the thought of it literally put me into such a terrible state of panic, i would've much preferred to just be bi so that i could potentially have a socially acceptable life in my country. but no wishing and rejecting ourselves will change our sexuality, it'll simply make us more traumatised and unhappy. you seem fairly confident in your feelings to me, don't reject yourself with unlikely What Ifs.. as many other bi women said on this topic, there usually ARE signs of OSA throughout their lives, they just explain it away. if u have never & continue not to feel anything sexual towards male bodies, if u have never had a crush on a man including male celebs, etc then i think ur far more likely than not a lesbian. ignoring that will not change ur sexuality, but its up to u how u move forward with that. i can at least tell u that from my experience, accepting myself for who i am has changed my life positively and gave me a will to live that i was lacking in my life prior. its difficult to face discrimination and lesbophobia, but its even more difficult to still face some of that AND on top of it be rejecting urself and hating urself

[nailgunstigmata]

U posting about drawing jack in a slutty nun costume made me realise that theres a severe lack of fics of dennis dressing like a slutty nun to tempt ma-[GETS SHOT]

doing some long forbidden necromancy ritual to revive u rn anon ur a GENIUS. hunting the gunman down to trade their soul for urs they were hired by a secret organization dedicated to keeping dennisfuckers from seeing the light…..i cant believe ive never thought about this before. if u give me permission to steal ur idea im going to do my very best to turn ur vision into reality. i will be typing away like those monkeys on typewriters they gave cocaine but more deranged

[xherry7816]

nothing is new but u drew series and movie ! NYA, i dont actually like these that much but i decided 2 post them anyways. ik i already shared image of NYA before but i just think hes so pretty and id want her 2 be my gf so badd if i wasnt gay. btw he/she pronouns NYA i hope people have picked up on that from my posts. in mc hcs she keeps the rlly cute short hair throughout the series bc i love women with short hair. also i havent actually stared at NYA 4 a while now,, which side is the beauty mark ???

btw i have no idea how collars work so ignore the raggedy jacked collar she has on her jacket, i also messes up the little flying hair strand on movieverseNYA idk what its supposed to look like really but i definitely know its not that.

the PUSS IN BOOTS movie is not avaliavle in my county yet and im a bit annoyed abt that but i think it comes out after one of my exams and i wsnt 2 watch it with my siblings, that was highly irrelevant but i just remebered a funny story in my head that msde me remeber about the movie.

i dont know why i wrote this much, all i had 2 say was hi heres NYA but idk. i crossed out my notes this time bc i realise i write neater 4 character notes than i do for school work.

i actually have drawn aZANE but im still mulling my feelings over it so maybe he'll be posted tomorrow or never see the light of day, i think idraw too much KAI in my spare time i should really draw more JAY and COLE bc ive only ever drasn their heads.

i havent actually watched CRYSTALISED yet bc i havent found somewhere i can watch it, i know its on amazon bc my dad has an account but you have to pay for it and id feel reslly awkward asking bc my parents have been more lenient with me because of recent events so maybe ill ask if im feeling brave enough (har har like a pirate sound)

[nonbinarygerard]

Cough so um I noticed on one of your posts you may or may not have said something about your comics and I would like to say

I am very interested O.O in your comics OWO UWU OWO (that was me blinking cough cough ignore my strangeness)

omg bestie!!!! i will tell you all about it!! sorry for the rant i never shut up

so i haven't started writing the comic yet i think i will next year (?) but it's about two lesbians, Stell and Kiki, in an underground noise rock (kinda) scene at a college. To me, it's going to be about what music, or really making art, means to people. it's not about becoming famous or wanting any of that. it's just about how being in a band can change your life. but i want it to be about more of an avant garde music scene. artists making crazy shit. breaking all the rules. going wild. its not about being good. its about pure creativity. bc i feel there is a lot of stories written about punk music and though i love it, i want to write about music and art i really love, art that's weirder and experimental. i want the art to capture that too.

i now need to actually write it and make it good lol.

before i wanted to do it as a novel but honestly writing music is so hard in prose. it always sounds so abstract and vague but in a comic, i think you can really portray the motion and atmosphere and velocity of music without actually having to write songs. i can draw the vibes and make some super cool stylish art. I've realised i love telling stories. i do it to myself all waking moments of the day, im always living in my head but when i write prose i miss drawing and when i draw i miss telling stories. idk why i never thought about really combing the two for myself but i realise oh i can just buy a sketchbook and write comics.

I just i need to get better at anatomy and perceptive and all the things that come with illustration bc ive mostly just done portrait painting or paintings zoomed in on details. i don't do a lot of simplifying, i do a lot of complexifying. now my goal in life is to write comics bc i honestly love writing dialogue and i love drawing.

my fics are really just plays in which i put description around the dialogue lol. i do like writing descriptions sometimes for like 10k words but not for 80k works for each novel i want to write. descriptions doesn't really come naturally to me.

so this is a long way of saying i want to write comics bc literally so many of my problems in my fics would just be solve if they are comics.

i really want to make a dnd campaign mcr comic if grant morrision was the DM set in the danger days world after they died but korse is bringing them back jus to put them through hell again haha. its tomb of horrors but killjoys themed. if you dont know tomb of horrors a very infamous dnd campaign known for being the most hated campaign by players and the most loved by DMs lol. it has a death pit in the first room lmaoooo. just a lich walking the corridors. its very insane. I used to DM dnd for three years so i know what im doing. also grant morrsion would make an excellent and insane DM so i need to draw grant's madness. Anyway that will might happen next year idk.

too many ideas not enough finished projects lol. im trying to get better at finishing things bc i now know im an adhd autistic and im trying to hack my brain to finish things.

bestie if you have read this far my cruise fic ship epilogue is actually a snippet of mcr having a dnd session haha. i couldn't stop myself

but in the meantime i will start drawing small comics for fun to improve and if i dont think they suck i might post them.

sorry for the very long rant honestly i just never shut up and just talk for hours

[wngweis]

... hmm gon be honest everything thus far has fallen under my overall idea of concept, mood, and atmosphere i guessed this debut gon be but after yesterday teasers photos and todays mv teaser im kinda thrown off course..... this direction of smoke is nothing like i imagined but let’s roll

this was the tone i always had in mind but so much has shifted since this teaser... & it’s true it did open the scene, so maybe that’s why it felt that much more impactful..... like i can’t even compare the smoky-ness in this to any other teasers that dropped out later. like this is just peak immaculate vibes. it’s almost genial he even did it so i should be grateful so much for it.

the dusk orange... the recklessness of 70s rocky psychedelic smoked air.... JUST.. criminal !

the leather picks he wears here... the F7CKING BOOTS... the studs in the pants... the lighter... i need to raid this wardrobe so bad. not to say the car as well.... lmao he’s the coolest for this Cadillac pick like ive no words!!!!!!

+ THAT ONE MAHOGANY /REDish PICTURE I COULDN’T STOP MYSELF FROM POSTING ON ANY PLATFORM I COULD... LIKE I NEED THAT ONE AS AN ART PIECE... IN A FRAME..

2nd favourite. this was peak artistic aesthetic to show off everything that has made you this far and showcase it in a way you present what all these details mean to you... my idea is that this whole album lives in every fragment of every photo of this photset that came out that day. or it helps me realize/visualize what he values behind it

the tiny tiniest attention to the details almost killed me. love it when people/artists take the time to salute and give back on what has helped them / served to inspire them thru a process.

here especially... it feels like modern art since this place almost symbolizes blank canvas a 'rundown house' and the things are just thrown around yet they lead me into a final product that feels too contemporary yet it gives an ode to the past.

his styling here oh god....... just so Jaehyun...

to think of this is making me crazy again. i love whoever came up with this set. one of my fave ever

i could talk about the rest but these two just super take the cake for me so no need to drag...

also, the highlight medley was phenomenal

not that i complain but the teaser today feels like a mood ive already experienced??? be on film or other teasers of other kpop acts... like it feels too familiar to me when all the previous teasers he put out were very him, very original and true to how, at least, i experience him as an artist even a human

but its Jaehyun though with a face that we will never see again in the next 100 years... so he'll make it work, im sure... though it's giving vibes ive seen... can’t lie..

again... need no more rumbling this focus face is absolute cinema ... i guess that’s what smoke is all about in the end,, his smoky aura...

im just realising how it ties to the psycho mood he embodied in The Smoky Night which then again was truly his very 1st video teaser so i guess it kinda of makes sense but ive become so deeply rooted to my vision that now the new stuff feels kinda off my radar... smth i didn’t see getting integrated,

like the suits, although he’s so known for them i truly hoped they would be off this time and we will focus more on Jaehyun Jaehyun and not idol Jaehyun which sm always puts him in this suit role like rent is due.

no, i don’t care about kick it Jaehyun. no i won’t draw the similarities there. this is not nct Jaehyun this is just Jaehyun... sooo,

so the historical remark in the robe he wears is also kind of all over the place since it never got introduced anywhere before... nor i see it in the music though i think yesterday's teasers are exceptional and very elusive but they don’t click in terms of the straightforward contemporary music he’s teasing...

so that way im really confused on these details rather but its OK. thats just fucking me and my eye to always see things under a microscope

again... this is all as far as the visual concept goes. which im very much crazy about... like the visual stuff... i have no opinion on the song yet... nor i can complete an idea after all the short snippets of it we got. the recent posts have truly, completely clouded my vision, so will see on monday!!!! if i had to compare.... 'can’t get you' still feel too good to be true.... roses too... he has to deliver smth more solid... in the end of the day is just a tt. bsides are known to cater to individuals while tts cater to audience which are two different things.

also, i think is very quirky how all the teasers and the stories are presented to us in such order that they are kind of told in reverse imao. it started from smoky night and his villain self to that scene 4 where he was so happy to go on his date with nothing but his casual converse and bouquet of roses......

the romantic protagonist turn cruel due heartbreak... arc

again these smoke teasers yesterday are so 😁😁 saucy if i can say... truly in his, "you broke my heart, now you’ll realize what you lost"

and him repeating roses’s you wanna be mine two times is just as desperate as ian repeating im sane in don’t go insane..... it’s that pathetic.... of a refusal.... to believe the truth

deranged behaviour truly set in for smoke. let’s see im excited i waited for this for so long i can’t believe im experiencing it real time.

[lilioopdf]

edit: no one’s gonna see this but i talked too much and realised i should prob put a page break thing but in conclusion: we need things that make us happy. literature and history was always mine, and i tied it so deeply to my identity that i didn’t know what to do once i stopped studying those. writing helps. ive always been writing. one day i’ll be a literature student again. (even if i sob through that degree because of the papers). writing helps me believe that not all is gone and out of reach.

today my friend talked abt how he missed physics and learning about physics and exploring physics and this friend is actually really clever and i swear he’s a bit of a prodigy but anyway

he went to some event where he got to experience physics things (sorry im useless at this stuff so idk what he did) but be got to build stuff and explore labs and weird chemicals and everything

and he said he’d been reading up less on physics and engaging with it and everything because his school rejected him from physics clubs (which is insane to me bc i know some vv talented people from my old school who went to their new school and got rejected from communities theyve won national competitions in but anyway) and because of heavy academic commitments and everything (for context we live in one of the most academically rigorous countries in the world

i think i feel the same way about writing and literature in general because

writing was always so tied to literature for me and i don’t think i’ve ever remembered a time where i wasn’t even writing simple scenarios down? in 2016 i had a routine of lying on my stomach on the floor and drawing while listening to the radio and it was then that i realised that i wanted to get out of the country

but i also knew i wanted to study literature then and i knew it when i was rereading the same books at four and when it rained when i was seven and when i was drawing at 8 and at 12 before i entered secondary school and at 14 before we could even pick our subject combinations

and i was in love with literature and every single class that i went to but then my last time studying it properly didn’t turn out the way i wanted and like i wasn’t ever able to actually move on from it because it’s always been so tied to my personality

like i was always so history and english oriented and im not bad at other things bc i do it well when i want to but my languages and humanities were always up there

like id have a basic conversation with someone and then they’d go and tell someone’s else how well spoken i was or like id always be put at the front of school events and important events even with ministers just for my communication skills and like ive always attributed it to like everything literature like id tell myself oh must be because im a lit student and this and that

and even at this new place i realised not everyone wants to actually work in art history and music and theatre and dance and so i felt okay enough to tell people i would probably go into comms/pr and the first thing people would say was oh that suits you so much actually

and tbh ive never considered communications before this year but childhood friends and teachers always said they could picture me as a reporter or journalist even when i had no plans of doing that and look how it actually turned out to be kinda true so that’s kinda cool

ive been yapping so much in this post but my point is that i genuinely didn’t know what to do with myself when i stopped properly studying english lit this year. my english lit teacher (so so good by the way, i had the best and most loveliest teachers ever) is not even in the school anymore because she got promoted to somewhere really good and doesn’t even teach lit anymore.

but like idk writing makes me think it’ll be okay. im studying art history rn which is cool i love it but i think ill always be reaching out for literature no matter where i’m at and my friend put it perfectly when he said his event gave him “a glimpse into the life (he’s) always dreamt of pursuing”

like yeah i think we all need something that helps us hold onto hope especially in such a shitty world and i think 8 year old me would love this and i talked a lot but i needed to get it out because i beat myself up for not taking literature again but maybe not all is lost, just a little harder to find

[skyabove]

Coming from a very plain and boring town with nothing in it, and having spent most of my life traveling to 2 other equally plain and boring towns, seeing people post photos of very mundane things that are very commonplace for them is so exciting

Like, there's just a mountain.. that you can see from your house??? You went to the beach and there's pebbles the size of your hand?? And resisted the urge to take them all with you? You went for a walk and found a river. There's a group of you at an arcade, bowling, a barbecue. You're sitting outside and can see the stars??

Even just stuff like they're at 7/11 or a shop that doesn't exist here, wow such a special experience.

[waitingonthewind]

lmao on the note of that last post, accessibility is so important and so much more than on face value.

a workplace can say theyre accessible and still make no efforts to do anything about it, but i told my boss im autistic, and he asked me if there were any accommodations i needed and, having never had this offered to me before i honestly had no idea.

he even made suggestions of things they could do for me, and we ended up settling on flexible working arrangements and the use of my headphones for music at work to keep me focused and not distracted by noise, and my ipad for drawing during meetings to keep my hands occupied.

he asked if there were any triggers i needed to avoid and, because ive spent so long just. managing, i had such a hard time identifying what causes me issues in public settings, and on top of that, asking for the adjustments made me feel guilty and like i was taking advantage of the situation because i dont really need this, do i?

like the two questions were enough to make me realise that, as much as i like to believe the opposite, i barely know myself. when it comes to things that will help me, i dont even know where to start.

masking is such a harmful habit long term so im now just desperately trying to work out what's actually causing me issues when i'm feeling overwhelmed, and how to communicate that to other people without coming across as whiny or cold

i dont really have an end to this post but yknow, just some thoughts