#real talk this lyric is on my friend who died in high school’s grave

[oldinterneticons]

I am heaven sent, don't you dare forget

[topperscumslut]

it’s funny to me that half of the songs on my album (and honestly some of the best ones) focus on parallels and comparing the people from my life that the songs are about to pop culture figures, either celebrities, fictional characters, or historical figures

so here’s basically the cheat code to half of my album, what the songs mean, who and what they’re about, and what i reference in the lyrics

No One Like You is still prolly the most insane song I’ve ever written, it’s about hooking up with my ex from high school and EVERYTHING, down to the title, is a reference to him playing Gaston in high school theatre

Sycophant is about me cutting off my ex best friend, and was written around the release of the TBOSAS, wherein nearly the entire song is a metaphor that also fits the roles of Sejanus Plinth and Coriolanus Snow as well as me and her, respectively

Crowned Hearts was largely inspired by a real family that survived the Titanic that I’d learned about after having recently visited the Titanic museum and getting randomly assigned the boarding pass of the wife/mother, only to find out she shared my birthday and died in my hometown in the same hospital i was born in, that she’d been a member of the local theatre AND the country club I’d gone to with my high school ex, and had a very similar personality and interests to me. Crowned Hearts is about my at the time recent ex who helped me find her (and her son’s) grave, after we broke up i then proceeded to WRITE this song in 45 minutes flat AT her grave, wherein her and her first husband who she survived the Titanic with represented us, with the new guy i was starting to fall for that i worked with representing her second husband, who she also worked with

and finally, Torture Me is about a night i spent with my situationship/friend/fwb/failed talking stage (the aforementioned coworker), and verse 2 is almost entirely about how we happened to only watch Matthew Lillard movies together AND how he looked like Matthew Lillard when he was younger, making Matthew a sort of inside joke of ours (not in a making fun of him way, just constantly joking about how funny it was how relevant he was to our friendship) and a HUGE motif of this guy ANY TIME, no matter how subtly, i mention Matthew Lillard in a song

(also my latest song, Best for Last, which isn’t part of my debut album cuz it’s doesn’t fit in the Heart of a Siren, Soul of a Bard vibe and/or timeline, is ENTIRELY based on the Matthew Lillard motif and is actually ABOUT me meeting Matthew and titled after something he said to me personally, and about growing apart from this former situationship. definitely a deep cut, im really excited about this one.)

[insomniac-dot-ink]

Is it wrong to lie to children?

A personal essay on reconciling with a shitty childhood and the question: is it wrong to lie to children?

It’s perplexing to have a shitty “unorthodox” childhood because initially I tried to throw out everything about It. Toss out the plumping and the rafters and the roofing, dispense of every single part of my upbringing I could get my hands on and not look back. Naturally, this approach didn’t work. It wasn’t even a real possibility. You’re still haunted by it, a ghost in the bones of a house, a foundation that remains long after the builders have left. That’s part of recovery too, to look at that ghost, to look at those bones, and keep saying: I see you, I see. I let you in. You sit with it and accept, accept, accept.

The really terrible part of this, the part where I don’t throw away the baby with the bathwater, is that you then have to raise the thing, deal with it. You have to do the hard work of parsing through the endless bits of self and placing them in “keep” piles and “discard” piles. I want to keep my mother’s kindness. I want to keep my father’s sense of humor. I want to discard the isolation. I want to discard the delusions.

But then there are these weird . . . “I don’t know” things. The things I am unsure if they helped me or hurt me. As I’ve gotten older I’ve gotten more and more of those “I don’t know” categories piling up. I’ve worked my way through most of the more obvious ones and now it’s all grey and mushy and as cloudy as a London winter. Recently, more than anything, I’ve been grappling with the fact my mother believed it was wrong to lie to children. She believed, in her flower-child way, that it was unethical in all forms.

I never believed in Santa Claus. I’m sorry to say I was a pretty obnoxious kid too because I would preach on the playground about how there was no Santa and there had never been any Santa. Which was a bit harsh, but in my defense I was under the impression these people were suffering from some sort of collective mass delusion. They were being lied to. And lying was wrong.

Is it wrong to lie to children?

I’ve known about sex since I was around 5 years old. I don’t remember why I asked, but it was something about where babies come from and so on. Most parents talk about a stork or love or some other abstract side-step. My mother described the anatomy to me and showed me a scientific diagram of the process. She told me that a sperm meets an egg and fertilizes it so the baby can grow. I learned most of this in scientific terms and was surprised when none of my middle school friends knew how a penis worked.

Is it wrong to lie to children?

When I was 9 or so our cat was eaten by a coyote. I asked my mom where he went and she said that he accidently got out the night before. She said they looked for him all morning, but it was too late. She didn’t use the word “gone” or “passed on” or “he’s in a better place now.”

She said he was dead. I said oh. She asked if I wanted to see him. I said yes. For the record, I am not actually sure if 9 year-olds should see corpses. That is neither here nor there. It was something that stuck with me though, the body of my cat with his tummy ripped out. I had never seen intestines before. His eyes were open.

But there was something cathartic about digging the grave. About helping pick up his little stiff body by the feet and placing him inside. There was something about piling on the red dirt as the sun set and letting the tears fall.

People on sitcoms hate talking about death. It’s understandable, it’s not funny, it makes for good dramatic irony when the kid asks “Where’s Socks?” and the parents go “Uuuuuh. He ran away.” I’ve never felt more alienated at those points. My cat died. He was eaten. I saw his body, and I buried it. Sometimes I think I wouldn’t want to be told he ran away-- that he had a choice in whether or not he left me.

Is it wrong to lie to children?

For a long time I thought the entirety of my childhood was wrong and bad, because I was miserable and broken at the end of it. I will assure you, my parents fucked up time and time again. But sometimes I have to stop and keep asking: Was this the wrong part? Was this the part where they fucked up? Was any part of this valuable? It’s a hard process to comb through an entire life and decide which bits are worth keeping, and if there are any silver linings.

So here is one: I am an honest person. I am a crooked person too, unsure of where to place my feet in social situations, picking my way through others normalcy. I do not readily share information, I am not forthcoming, and it’s a slow burn for me to open up about anything.

However, I notice time and time again that strangers will share personal things with me. I don’t mean for it to happen, but there’s just this pattern in my life. I once went on a car ride with a girl I barely know from my debate team. She described how she wanted to lose her virginity, she wanted it, but was scared God would be angry. That she’d be dirty afterwards. I told her that that was impossible, sex was just an act, it had no eyes, it had no priestly robes, or bearing on her soul. She cried. She said she hadn’t told me anyone this before.

I had a friend in high school who was struggling with an eating disorder, people had tried to get her to talk about it before, but I was the first person she admitted it to. In the hallway, sitting, just discussing nothing, and out it comes: I’m scared to eat sometimes. I was on a city bus and an old woman struck up a conversation with me. Over an hour or so, and she ended up telling me her fears for her own daughter going away to college. Her fear of growing old and passing on. Her problems with sleeping as she lay awake and dreaded it.

People have told me about their problems with substance abuse, their struggles with sexuality, and childhood trauma. People spill to me and I sit there thinking: Why? Sometimes I think it’s my gender or just how people are, but it always feels like I’m missing some part of the picture. Why do people open up to me, unprompted, all at once? Why me?

Is it wrong to lie to children?

Recently, I was reading a memoir set in 2001 where two young kids ask the narrator, their mother, about 9/11. They asked what happened to the people on television who were jumping off the building. Where did they go? The mother says this: They were caught. There are people-catchers that flew and saved them. Everyone is okay.

This story was meant to be heartfelt and lyrical, relatable. It ended like this: It is the job of mothers to offer gentle lies.

I had to stop reading because I was suddenly lost in a white-hot rage, unexpected, knee-jerk. How could she do that? I found myself frothing. They trusted her with answers and she lied. How could she? I knew it was irrational. It was silly even. This was a sweet story. It was meant to be heart-warming and framed in a way that suggested this is what all mothers do. This was what they needed to do. 

I felt my own mother, pumping through my veins, furious that these elementary school students were being betrayed. I stopped myself of course, I knew it wasn’t reasonable. I wasn’t raised “correctly.” I had no legs to stand on.

But still, is it alright to lie to children?

I am once again faced with that unending dilemma: how to throw-out those parts of myself that don’t work and keep the ones that do. It’s difficult to say, because in some ways I agree with my mom. How can I not? But death is cruel. Sex is weird. Santa Claus is a beautiful lie.

And what’s wrong with lying? I still don’t know. What’s wrong with letting them never hurt? Never knowing the pain or gross parts of the world? What’s the harm in letting them make-believe?

But sometimes I think about all those people who have cried to me. All these unprompted confessions come with an unspoken plea: I hurt. I am afraid. I am so scared. It’s all so heavy, these painful truths.

And some part of me stands there, the part my mother raised and says: there is nothing in this life that is too shameful. There is nothing in this world that is unnatural. There is nothing in this life to lie about, even to children.

Is death too painful? Is sex too gross? Would you tell an adult that a man lives in the North Pole and watches them?

I asked my mom, years later, when I was less furious and able to talk with her again without screaming, about why she believed all this. She had told me about it since I was very young, but I never asked why. She shrugged. She said: children are people, aren’t they?

I still don’t know what to do with this.

Children are people, but they are not adults. They shouldn’t be exposed to “adult” things, right? But is that line so concrete? Is the word “adult” just a mask for the greater word, the one we really mean? We all agree: honesty is good. Lying hurts. But it’s alright to lie to kids, because in many ways they aren’t people yet, they aren’t people yet, they don’t count.

I am admittedly an argumentative person. I was on the debate team, mock trial, United Nations, I studied political science in college and fought with every single one of my professors I thought was wrong. And I stood in that playground, age 6, and told every single one of my classmates Santa wasn’t real and I wouldn’t stop. The truth was important. And my mother, no matter what, thought I disserved it.

I often felt tiny and powerless as a kid. Terrified and holding myself together by shoestrings. I often felt there would be nothing better in the world than to be grown up. Not for the money or the dating or the job, I just wanted to feel like the hurricane would end. That one day I could stand on solid ground again. My friend often says: I wish I could be a kid again, ya know? No responsibilities. Just bliss. I want to be a kid again.

I can’t relate. I never have. I’ve been busy weeding through the pipes and lighting and the carpentry of my upbringing and asking myself: is any of this worth keeping? Is any part of me built correctly? There are no right answers.

But still, I am haunted. I sit and ask myself in circles: is it alright to lie to children?

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My book 🌟 Ko-fi 🌟 Patreon

[theotherackerman]

My Mind Turns Your Life Into Folklore

My Mind Turns Your Life Into Folklore

COPYRIGHT DISCLAIMER: Any recognizable elements belong to Attack on Titan.

NOTES:

Flashback: Historia, age 13

Current time: Tuesday, January 5th

chapter nine: i wanna be your endgame

Historia had joined the group in junior high when her life had been uprooted. The boys had immediately swarmed her, showering her in attention. Much of that attention was unwanted, especially from Samuel and Daz.

It had been gym class when the teacher had proclaimed it was time for dodgeball. It was boys versus girls.

Historia was okay at this game but she noticed Daz had taken a liking to trying to get her out.

“Hey Historia, if I get you out, you have to go out with me!” He yelled.

“Hey! Same with me!” Samuel added.

She had done fairly well dodging and hiding but when two balls were headed directly her way, one from Samuel and one from Daz, she suddenly felt doomed.

Just as they were about to hit her, someone shoved her out of the way. Historia fell to the ground.

“Get them, Mikasa and Annie,” the girl with short brown hair said as she offered her hand to Historia.

Mikasa and Annie looked at one another, then nodded. They threw with deadly precision, getting both Daz and Samuel out.

Historia took the girl’s hand and she pulled her to her feet.

When lunch came, Historia was once again being pestered by Daz.

“You should sit with me,” he insisted.

Historia was too nice to say no. She needed friends here, even if they were creepy friends. Before she could answer, someone else spoke up.

“She can’t because she’s sitting with us,” said the same girl who had saved her in dodgeball.

Historia looked over at her new hero.

“You’re such a bitch, Ymir,” Daz scoffed.

“Oh wow, haven’t heard that one before,” Ymir said as she grabbed her lunch tray and walked away.

Historia followed the girl to the only table that seemed not to have a certain clique. She sat down in between Ymir and the girl with the black hair who had saved her earlier in the day.

“Alright, this is Historia, everyone,” Ymir announced. “I’m Ymir. That’s all I’ve got to say about myself. Let me introduce you to everyone else. So on this side of the table we’ve got Mikasa. Don’t let her looks fool you, she can kick anyone’s ass. She is pretty good at writing and playing piano too. Us girls go over to her house a lot for sleepovers.”

Mikasa gave Historia a small wave.

“Then there’s Annie, our resident math genius. Her dad is teaching her to play guitar. She’s the other half of our ass kicking team.”

“Hi,” Annie said before returning to drinking her milk.

“If anyone bothers you, just get one of those two. The one stuffing her face is Sasha. She’s in the school marching band, percussion.”

“Hi Historia,” Sasha said after swallowing the food she had been eating.

“Connie is next to Sasha. His parents own the farm next to Sasha’s with a huge pumpkin patch. He’s an all around good dude.”

“Aw, Ymir. You do like me. Hey Historia!” Connie called.

“The last person on this side is Jean. He’s….he’s Jean. If he gives you too much shit, just call him horse face. After you get to know him, he’s okay...most of the time.”

“What’s that supposed to mean, Ymir? Stop calling me horse face!” Jean yelled from the end of the table.

Ymir ignored Jean, pointed to the boy sitting across from her. “This is Reiner. He’s probably going to be captain of the high school football team one day. He’s okay...most of the time.”

“What do you mean by that?!” Reiner asked.

“That’s Bertolt, he’s Reiner's best friend. Pretty cool guy once you get to know him.”

“Hi,” Bertolt said, not fully making eye contact.

“That’s Eren. He can be a bit of hot head sometimes. He and Jean get into a lot of arguments. He’s a pretty good guy though. Then right next to him is Armin. He’s our other genius. Armin, Mikasa, and Eren are literally inseparable. Find one, you’ll probably find the other two. Unless their class schedules split them up.”

“You’re not wrong,” Eren said before going back to talk to Mikasa.

“Hi,” Armin said as he gave a small wave.

“Floch is...well...he’s Floch. You’ll see what I mean,” Ymir introduced the second to last person.

“What does that mean?!” Floch asked.

Jean laughed, “your introduction was worse than mine!”

Ymir continued to ignore Jean and Floch. “ And the last person is Marco. He’s probably the  most normal out of all of us. He’s pretty smart too. Well, that’s everyone.”

“You’re in my piano class,” Mikasa said with a smile.

“Yeah, I guess I am,” Historia prepared herself for the prying questions that would come from the table about her family, her money. She had already experienced them in most of her classes.

“Do you like playing piano?” Mikasa asked before sipping her milk.

Historia’s face lit up. It was the first time someone had actually asked her opinion on something.

“Yeah, actually, I do. What about you?” Historia bit into her sandwich.

Mikasa nodded before putting her milk back on the tray. “Yeah, my cousin plays. He had been teaching me. He’s a lot more helpful than Mr. Grice.”

“He’s awful! I thought it was just because I was new!”

“No, he just doesn’t know how to teach.”

When the bell rang, the group scattered. Mikasa, Ymir, and Historia ended up walking the same way to science class together. When they arrived, there was Daz in the front row.

“Hey Historia, I saved you a seat,” he called to her.

Mikasa just glared at him before taking Historia’s hand and led Historia to the lab table she shared with Ymir.

Daz said nothing.

---------------------

The coffee shop was mostly empty.

Ymir had been grateful for that.

“Hello! Welcome to Ral’s coffee shop!” The barista called from behind the counter. “So what can I get you two?”

“I’ll take an Americano with an extra shot, toffee syrup, 4 sugars, and cinnamon,” Ymir ordered.

“Can I get a macchiato with white chocolate syrup?” Historia ordered.

“Sure thing! I’ll get both of those done and bring them to you!” The barista said with a smile.

They left the register and wandered to a small table in the back corner of the coffee shop.

“You recognize anyone here from when you worked here?” Historia asked as she sat down.

“No, I don’t see Petra anywhere. She might have got married to Oluo finally,” Ymir said as she took the seat across from Historia.

A few moments later, the barista brought over their coffees.

“I never knew your mom was bipolar,” Historia said before taking a drink.

“Yeah, it’s not something I like to talk about,” Ymir muttered as she stared at her coffee cup.

“I think that’s the first time I’ve heard you talk to anyone besides me about your mom.”

Ymir took a drink of her coffee. This was not a conversation she had prepared for. “I said something to Mikasa about her the other day. It was about how I haven’t visited her grave since she died and my dad’s before that. Not a big deal. I mean what is there to say about her?”

“And your dad was a soldier, right?”

Ymir nodded.

“Yeah, see that you told me. That’s why Levi likes you so much.”

Ymir scoffed, “Levi feels pity for me. You know that’s why I don’t talk about this. I don’t want to see that pity in your eyes.”

“I don’t pity you, Ymir.”

“Okay…” She said sarcastically before taking a drink.

“Really? Deflecting again?” Historia rolled her eyes. “I thought we were supposed to talk.”

“Yeah, we were until you started bringing my parents up.”

“Oh, so are we not going to talk now? Ymir, if you don’t want this, just say it.”

“Are you really stupid enough to think I don’t want this? You’re the one who pushes me away. Dating Reiner, that farm boy. Always keeping me close enough but never actually saying your feelings for me. I’ve put it out there, Historia. I’ve loved you and been in love with you since we were thirteen. I’ve never hidden it. You’re the one sending the mix signals.”

“I’m not sending mixed signals!”

“You are!”

“Oh. Okay! So you just go on dates with other people? I didn’t realize we had an open relationship!” Ymir yelled.

“We never had a real relationship because you never asked me to be in one!” Historia yelled back at her.

The barista rounded the corner. “We had some customers complain…”

“Yeah, yeah. I’m leaving anyway,” Ymir stood up and pushed past the barista.

The cold January air hit her square in the face as she walked towards the bookshop where Sasha was waiting for them.

“YMIR!” She heard Historia’s voice behind her.

“What?” Ymir said as she turned around.

“That’s it?” Historia asked as she caught up. The heels of her boots clicked on the sidewalk.

“What’s it?”

“This? It’s over?”

“According to you, it never began.”

“Ymir...please don’t.”

“Don’t what? There’s nothing left for me to do. You think I have to ask you out.”

“Because I don’t know if you actually like me! How do I know it’s not because of my money or my family. All that farmer boy wanted was….”

Ymir kissed her, silencing her.

When she pulled away, she saw Historia smile. “You talk way too much, you know that?”

Historia laughed as Ymir took her hand into hers as they continued their walk to the bookstore.

“So…” Historia started.

“So what? I’ve proposed to you like fifteen times now, you turned me down. You wounded my pride. You get to do all the asking from now on.”

“....are you going to be my girlfriend then?”

“Are you asking?”

“Yeah.”

“Yeah.”

----------------------

This damn song was going to be the death of Mikasa.

Lyrics were not coming as they normally did.

And why couldn’t she stop thinking about the song on that damn flash drive?

What song hadn’t she finished with Eren?

And what could Eren have possibly done with it to improve it?

She didn’t want to ask Levi for the box back. Not yet, it was too soon. She had checked with him to see if there had been a letter. Levi confirmed that Eren wasn’t lying. There was indeed a letter and if she ever wanted it, it was there.

She sat in room, pen tapping on her notebook.

She needed a response to Eren’s song now. She wanted to tell him exactly how she had felt remembering things that had happened between them.

His song had been really beautiful.

That wasn’t the most surprising thing of the night though.

No, that went to Armin deciding to stay at Eren’s place with him. It was good for them though.

Not to mention that Mikasa had been concerned about Eren staying alone after what he told her.

With Armin there, things would be easy.

She heard a strange sound coming from the bathroom.

Like someone was getting sick.

She tried to remember who was in the house.

Levi and Hange were at dog training for the puppies.

Sasha had gone with Ymir and Historia.

She heard crying which pulled her from her thoughts.

She left her room and knocked on the bathroom door.

“Annie?” She asked.

“I’m fine,” a cracked voice said from the other side of the door.

“I don’t believe you.”

Water ran and turned back off. The door opened to reveal a tear streaked face.

“Leave it alone, Mikasa. You’ve got enough to worry about,” Annie said as she pushed past Mikasa.

“You’re not eating and then…”

“No! No.”

“Well I know you tried the extreme diet once.”

“It was a fast and no. It’s not that. I’m fine, really.” Annie walked back to the room she was staying in.

“Annie, something is going on. You asked Levi to live here when you could have gone home to your dad. Sasha, I get living here. It’s far from the farm. You’re only a few blocks away.”

“I said leave it alone, Mikasa.”

“Annie, did your dad kick you out?”

Annie threw her arms up defeated. “Okay, yeah. He did. Is that what you want to hear?”

“No, I just know you better than almost anyone here. Well, besides Armin, he knows you best.”

Annie sat down on the bed, “can we not talk about Armin right now?”

“Did you have a fight?” Mikasa asked as she sat down next to her.

Annie immediately started crying again as she shook her head. Mikasa didn’t know what to do. Annie kept everything inside. It wasn’t because she didn’t care, it was the opposite. People sometimes would write Annie off as unfeeling but that was simply not true. She just didn’t speak unless she felt like she could add something to the conversation.

Annie ended up resting her head on Mikasa’s shoulder while Mikasa just held her. Mikasa had never seen Annie like this. She was always so put together so whatever it was, it had to be big.

After a while of Annie just crying, she finally spoke, “you’re the only one besides my dad and Levi who know. You can’t tell anyone.”

“You told Levi?” Mikasa asked as she pulled away.

“I didn’t have much of a choice. I needed a place to stay but I needed to give him a reason.”

“Okay?”

“Swear to me. Not Historia, Ymir, or Sasha. Especially not Eren or Armin.”

“I swear.”

Annie looked at Mikasa before holding out her pinky to the other girl. Mikasa wrapped her own pinky finger around Annie’s.

Annie took a deep breath before speaking, “I’m pregnant.”

[notebooks-and-tea]

Parse & Folklore: A Ted Talk

Alright everyone, settle down and come have emotions with me about how many of the lyrics from Folklore could apply to Parse. This is a long one so buckle in kiddos. I’m not usually a omgcp blog and I haven’t actually used tumblr in ages but I needed to share my emotions. Someone please yell at me if they have any more thoughts - I’m always here for Parse &/ Taylor rants!  

1. The 1 - let’s be real you could read the entirety of this song as Kent, hopefully having now finally managed to move on from Jack, wistfully thinking back on how nice it would’ve have been if he had indeed been ‘the one’. 

Lyrics that kind of hurt:

We were something, don’t you think so? And if my wishes came true It would've been you In my defense, I have none For never leaving well enough alone      Rosé flowing with your chosen family And it would've been sweet If it could've been me In my defense, I have none For digging up the grave another time 2. Cardigan -  So the concept of this song doesn’t directly relate to Kent but a few of the lines stick out to me a lot and I guess just generally this idea of ‘when you are young they assume you know nothing’ in the context of what Jack and Kent would have been going through when they were in Juniors.

Lyrics that stand out to my angsty heart:

But I knew you'd linger like a tattoo kiss I knew you'd haunt all of my what-ifs The smell of smoke would hang around this long 'Cause I knew everything when I was young I knew I'd curse you for the longest time <--literally just Kent not being able to let go of Jack despite how long it’s been since the draft

3.  My Tears Ricochet - Definitely don’t think about the idea of Kent loving Jack and being cut out and ignored following his overdose while listening to this song. ‘I didn’t have it in myself to go with grace’ when thinking about Kent visiting Jack at Samwell and being rejected, then lashing out is particularly painful okay. You could totally interpret a lot of this song as Kent lashing out at Jack and reminding him that he can cut him out and claim he’s moved on but he’ll always be a part of him and it just makes me sad to think about how that might not actually be true...

Lyrics that make me sad:

Even on my worst day Did I deserve, babe All the hell you gave me? 'Cause I loved you I swear I loved you Till my dying day  I didn't have it in myself to go with grace And you're the hero flying around saving face <--Jack getting to look like Kent attacked him for no reason as if he doesn’t also owe apologies  'Cause when I'd fight, you used to tell me I was brave And you can aim for my heart, go for blood But you would still miss me in your bones    <-- also kind of reminds me of Kent, in his anger when he turns up at Samwell, lashing out and saying that it’s people like him who still care about Jack no matter what

4. Mirrorball - okay literally just one line really sticks out to me and makes me sad so definitely don’t think about Kent having to hide who he is around the Aces, especially when Jack and Bitty kiss on the ice and he’s in the bar and someone whose name I’ve forgotten is being a homophobic dick, while Taylor sings “I'm a mirrorball I can change everything about me to fit in”

5. AUGUST - like the entire song basically? But like specifically these two boys have a month in the summer between winning the memorial cup and the draft and maybe Kent thinks it’s perfect and he’s so hopeful and he knows it has to end because they’re going to be on separate teams but maybe for him, just wanting them to be together is enough, at least for now. But everything goes wrong and Jack slips away and then they lose contact because Jack cuts him out and all Kent knows is that he should have known because he was never really his no matter how much he hoped that would be true. So now he just has those memories of the two of them together that one summer and maybe that kind of makes me want to cry?

Lyrics and sadnessss:

I never needed anything more Whispers Of "Are you sure?" "Never have I ever before" <-- just really hammering in that reminder that they were just kids before the draft But I can see us Lost in the memory August slipped away into a moment in time 'Cause it was never mine And I can see us twisted in bedsheets August sipped away Like a bottle of wine 'Cause you were never mine  Will you call when you're back at school? I remember thinking I had you Wanting was enough For me, it was enough To live for the hope of it all Cancel plans just in case you'd call So much for summer love, and saying "Us" 'Cause you weren't mine to lose 6.  This is Me Trying - Yikes, isn’t the title just a hypothetical Parse anthem though? Once again, not really exactly in the spirit of the actual song but I feel like so many of the lyrics apply? I mean, Kent turning up at Samwell vibes and once again he lashes out because he feels hurt but he’s trying. He doesn’t even know if Jack wants to see him but he’s hopeful so he turns up and he’s trying to be helpful and to reconnect but he’s still hurting even if Jack doesn’t seem to care? Also definitely don’t think about Kent in his first year in the NHL when he’s supposed to be living his dream and enjoying life, celebrating victories with his new team but all he can think about is Jack and how he may have hurt him and that he’s living the life he’s missing out on. 

Lyrics I have emotions about:

I didn't know if you'd care if I came back I have a lot of regrets about that Pulled the car off the road to the lookout Could've followed my fears all the way down And maybe I don't quite know what to say But I'm here in your doorway <-- Kent turning up at Samwell not really knowing if Jack would want to see him but being so hopeful that he would just hurtssss I just wanted you to know That this is me trying  And at least I’m trying

And my words shoot to kill when I'm mad I have a lot of regrets about that

And it's hard to be at a party When I feel like an open wound It's hard to be anywhere these days When all I want is you

7. Illicit Affairs - Ooooh boy, we’re back to entire songs that remind me of Kent and Jack and pre-draft sadness. So cannon Jack might claim that they never really dated and doesn’t that hurt even more if you consider Kent thinking they’re basically dating in secret only for Jack to overdose, then cut him off completely and deny that what they had ever involved any real emotions on his part? So here’s where illicit affairs makes me want to sob. Definitely don’t think about them having a secret ‘relationship’ that starts off because they’re just such close friends, the best friend either one of them has ever had, but they’re also both closeted professional hockey players and horny teenagers let’s be honest, and what starts off as raw moments of honesty and closeness between them get’s slowly corrupted because they have to hide it all, and they have the draft to think about, and Jack has his anxiety etc. And maybe Jack doesn’t call him kid or baby but he does call him Kenny like nobody else does and Kent would ruin himself if it meant he could have Jack back, would give him anything, would get him a spot on the Aces so they can finally play together like they were supposed to...This song makes me sad.

Lyrics that hurt especially (might as well post the entire song here tbh):

And that's the thing about illicit affairs And clandestine meetings And longing stares It's born from just one single glance But it dies and it dies and it dies ...a million little times / They show their truth one single time But they lie and they lie and they lie ...a million little times

So you leave no trace behind Like you don't even exist Take the words for what they are A dwindling, mercurial high A drug that only worked The first few hundred times

And you wanna scream Don't call me kid Don't call me baby Look at this godforsaken mess that you made me You showed me colors you know I can't see with anyone else Don't call me kid Don't call me baby Look at this idiotic fool that you made me You taught me a secret language I can't speak with anyone else And you know damn well For you I would ruin myself ...a million little times

8. Invisible Strings - Is this song too happy for my feelings about Kent most of the time? Probably, but basically any ship that ends in Kent/Happiness could apply to this song and that’s the reason it stays on this list. So basically think about Kent being happy and moving on with someone who’s so so good for him and helps him heal and then reconsider this song with that in mine. 

Lyrics to think about:

Time, Mystical time Cutting me open, then healing me fine

A string that pulled me Out of all the wrong arms right into that dive bar Something wrapped all of my past mistakes in barbed wire Chains around my demons Wool to brave the seasons One single thread of gold tied me to you Cold was the steel of my axe to grind for the boys who broke my heart Now I send their babies presents <- the idea of Kent moving on and no longer having confrontations with Jack whenever they meet but instead being happy for him too makes me so happy 

9. Betty - Okay once again the actual idea of this song, definitely doesn’t directly apply but hear me out. Kent turning up at Samwell wanting to be heard out by Jack. Maybe it doesn’t happen directly after the event so he’s not ‘only 17′ but he effectively is and he doesn’t know anything really. He didn’t at the time the overdose happened and he never got the chance to deal with it properly because Jack cut him out so he still doesn’t really know anything. All he knows is that he misses Jack and he wants to play with him again and wants them to get back to where they used to be, to where they’re suppose to be. And if he insulting Jack’s team isn’t James (Taylor’s POV) singing about Betty’s ‘stupid friends’ then idk what else to say. Why does this song scream Kent so much to me despite being about a random 17 year old boy who cheated on his girlfriend?

Lyrics I want to scream about:

Betty, I won't make assumptions about why you switched your homeroom But I think it's 'cause of me  <--so obvs not homeroom but please don’t think about Kent thinking that Jack overdosed and decided not to go to the NHL after her recovered because of him

But if I just showed up at your party Would you have me? Would you want me? Would you tell me to go fuck myself Or lead me to the garden? I'm only seventeen I don't know anything but I know I miss you <--maybe he’s not 17 but he’s basically still just a kid whenever Jack’s involved

Betty, I'm here on your doorstep And I planned it out for weeks now but, it's finally sinking in Betty, right now is the last time I can dream about what happens when you see my face again The only thing I wanna do Is make it up to you So, I showed up at your party Will you have me? Will you love me? Will you kiss me on the porch in front of all your stupid friends? If you kiss me Will it be just like I dreamed it? Will it patch your broken wings?

I definitely have more to say on this but this is already so long so that’s it for now, might continue on some other time?

[bisluthq]

Roomate anon, hi babe! ❤️ First of all I just wanted to say that I am so so happy that you managed to work out your thoughts and admit to yourself that you're gay, that's so good for you! Some of us take years and years to even start accepting that part of ourselves. Also, you don't have to go and tell your family and friends right away hun, you have all the right to decide who gets to know this part about yourself because you feel safe and comfortable with them knowing.

You're so brave and admirable and from what you've shared with us, I can tell that you genuinely are a sweet, kind, and compassionate person who cares about others and tries her best at everything. Those are such lovely qualities to have ❤️ PLS tell us what happened when you talked to roomie! Your story is so beautiful and it's safe to say that we're all rooting for you, sending you love, and wishing you the best😍❤️

Now, in reference to Tay's gay sounding songs, I 100% agree with you on Dress and Delicate. Without the backstory of Swiftwyn, those two songs are very sapphic and really capture the feeling of a sprouting wlw relationship. Nat has a very good lyric by lyric interpretation of Dress somewhere in the blog if you wanna check it out, I feel the same as her in regards to that song.

To me personally (and I think many here will agree), Treacherous sounds very gay too bc of all the "I'll do anything you say if you say it with your hands" and "forever going with the flow, but you're friction". Imo Begin Again is somehow gay as well, bc of all the comparing a past "he" that didn't understand you or treat you the way you would like, and currently being with a "you" (female imo) that thinks you're funny and endearing, can relate to you, and treats you the way you wanna be treated.

Wonderland is... pretty gay idk. Like the rs it talks about goes into trouble bc "whispers turned to talking and talking turned to screams" as in people started to find out about them and being judgy. Not to mention "too in love to think straight" which speaks for itself haha.

I hear wlw in It's Nice To Have A Friend. It sounds to me like two high school friends who are actually more than friends but don't yet know it and, like you a few weeks ago (it's okay we've all been there ❤️) , think "aw it's so nice to be straight girls and be best friends and be able to just kiss and sleep together, isn't it so nice that bffs can do that".

Seven. Holy shit that song called me out so loudly lmao. Seven is about two different themes imo: 1) the beauty of being a little kid and not having to worry about anything and just playing and running all day. As a kid we're very free spirited and imaginative and, in my case, happy to play in the trees and the mud and just be wild 2) being seven years old and looking at one of your girl classmates in school and loving/memorizing very specific physical features of theirs like their hair (like a pattern), their freckles, their dimples etc and also thinking "we should run away together and live a cool life like superheroes or dancers or animal rescuers (me haha)". At that age we don't really know it or understand it, but those are early romantic feeling towards another girl. I could go on and on about this song tbh.

I agree with you in that August has a wlw vibe to it. Idk if it's the nostalgia, the cottagecore of it all, or the lamentation of a love that could not last for whatever reason but the energy is there. "Wanting was enough, for me it was enough to live for the hope of it all" and all of that you know.

Ivy is imo a fraction of a wlw story set during winter in like the 1700s or 1800s. The narrator is a widow whose husband died recently and she's having a romantic thing with one of her female friends, but the friend's engaged to be married to a man (as in her hand has been promised to him because that's how things worked during those times, marriages were often arranged by families), so the whole thing is a secret affair, which is why she says "your touch brought forth an incandescent glow, tarnished but so grand": her friends touch sets her insides on fire bc of how much she's attracted to her, but the touch is "tarnished" bc the whole thing is forbidden, yet it's "so grand" because it's meaningful and their love is very real.

"And the old widow goes to the stone everyday, but I stay here grieving for the living" = a widow would usually go to visit their husband's grave and lament his passing, but the narrator doesn't do this because she doesn't (and probably never did coz you know she's gay) feel any deep love towards her husband, she doesn't really miss him, and instead she prefers to focus on the love and infatuation she has for her female friend, and she grieves that they can't actually be together in a normal way bc of society at that time.

But they really are deeply in love with each other and it breaks the narrator that they can't spend their lives together as a couple : "goddamn my pain fits in the palm of your freezing hand". Yet they continue to love each other, spend time together, and be magnificently cursed while sitting down to talk for hours while drinking the narrator's dead husband's wine, because she doesn't really care that it used to belong to her husband; it has no significant value to her in that sense so she prefers to drink it with her lover.

"Clover blooms in the fields, spring breaks loose the time is near, what would he do if he found us out" : the bridge explains that winter has passed, spring is coming, and the wedding date for her lover and her bethroved husband is getting nearer (aka they're running out of time to be together). They discuss the possibility of attempting to keep their secret rs even after the marriage, but they fear of what would happen if the husband found out: "he's gonna burn this house to the ground", the house being their romance.

Still, the narrator insists that her lover will always be in her mind and in her otherwise cold ("my house of stone") heart ("your ivy grows and now I'm covered in you"). She claims that she will forever remember and hold on to the "moments that they stole, on begged and borrowed time", which suggests that they don't end up together, not even in secret. Sorry I got carried away but my mates I could write a whole ass novel about this song, I already have the narrator and her lover well developped in my brain and I have some pretty solid ideas for side characters lol.

Cowboy like me has sapphic aspects to it. "Takes one to know one" makes me think of how a lot of gay people have very on point gaydars and can sorta tell when someone pings haha. Idk Tay really loves Joe in a gay way and I love them for it haha.

And lastly what even is Dorothea lmao like is there even a non-gay explanation for that song? It's a fictional setting and fictional characters but Tay hun you really know how to capture the feeling of having been in love with a girl and now seeing her from far away huh. I mean it could be accidental but still👀 the song sounds gay to me idk.

Those are just off the top of my head and my personal opinion. At the end of the day, we can relate queer experiences to all sorts of songs and all lyrical interpretations are valid. That's what art is all about 😊.

💯

[al-y-aska]

Alaska Jameson: A Playlist

This playlist is inspired by her self para and song by the same name, ‘1 of those Weaks’. It’s a play on words that refers to when it’s just been ‘one of those weeks’, aka a hella rough time, and the spelling and diction emphasizes personal weaknesses.... these two things may play into each other. For Alaska, this playlist is a bit on the sadder/darker side, since she just got kicked out of the motel and is now homeless, and living behind the Ashford Community Centre isn’t all that lit.

Listen to the playlist on Spotify here

Or read below for Youtube links, significant lyrics, and a small breakdown for meanings of each song for Alaska. 

1 of those Weaks -The Neighbourhood

I don't mean to get deep, it's just 1 of those weaks Couldn't tell you the day, couldn't tell you the time Trouble falling asleep, for the past couple nights Trouble being alone, I've been losing my mind 

This song is the headline of her self para and pretty much summing up how life is going for her right now. It’s a bit less about the lyrics than some of the other songs, and more about the tone. These specific lyrics are pretty straightforward; she’s not really one to be deep or harbour self pity, she’s been high off and on, is having trouble sleeping, and feels like she’s going insane-- losing her mind. 

Take Care -Eden

And I love the rain But I can't live in a storm I've got more to come Still learning to grow

This song means and speaks a lot to her. The meaning of her name (her dad’s doing), and a lot of her personality both growing up and currently, has referrenced stormy seas, oceans, a storm, etc. This song is more of an inner battle and struggle she has with herself... she loves the rain, but realizes she can’t really live in a storm... let alone thrive or grow. The storm is her life, literally and metaphorically, but how can you leave something when it’s all you know?

ilomilo- Billie Eilish

The world's a little blurry Or maybe it's my eyes The friends I've had to bury They keep me up at night

It’s hard for Aly to tell why her life, her world, is the way it is. Is that the truth and how it is in reality, or is just her perception, emphasized by drug use? She’s had to leave and cut off ties so many times, or step on others just to survive... she can be ruthless, but you don’t have to dig very deep to find that she does genuinely feel bad about it.

Girl with No Name- Jules Larson + AG

Follow the beat of my heart And my mysterious way I draw the blurriest lines I never promise to stay I am a girl with no name

A name rooted in irony, quite literally. She is a girl with many names, thanks for taking on the alias ‘Aly James’ as opposed to her actual name, Alaska Jameson, which has been plastered on the sides of milk cartons and ‘missing’ signs. Because of that, though, she struggles with a loss of identity a little bit. She can change direction, leave, change her name, start over, at the drop of a hat... she’s vague, doesn’t give clear guidelines, and makes few promises that she can keep. While she has many, she really is a girl with now name. 

Chasing Stars -Extreme Music, Rupert Pope & Giles Palmer

I just wanna drive and drive Dancing in the dark is fine Cause I got bright lights in my mind And the colours won't fade till morning

A girl desperate to escape, both physically and mentally. Hence, her drug use. People often say ‘reach for the stars’ to their kids; Aly never quite got that chance, but in her mind she can escape and pretend to chase those stars, her dreams, and at least play pretend until the drugs wear off.

Him & I -G-Eazy & Halsey

Cross my heart, hope to die To my lover, I'd never lie He said "Be true," I swear I'll try In the end, it's him and I

Her ex boyfriend & pimp, Seth, and Alaska really had a Bonnie and Clyde type relationship... he was also quite a few years older than she, who was just a minor and teenager at the time. She knew that no matter what, she was going to go back to him and they were going to end up together-- as toxic as that might be for her. G-Eazy’s parts in this really exemplifies Seth’s view on Aly, too.

O.D.D- Hey Violet

I'm a little O.D.D Most people really don't get me I'm the girl in the back of the class Blank stare, don't care, don't ask I'm a little O.D.D And I see the way they look at me I can hear it when they talk that trash Saying "Any minute she gon' crack"

O.D.D. stands for more than just ‘odd’ here: it also stands for Oppositional Defiance Disorder, which I feel like Alaska is privy to to some extent. When she was in school while her mom was spiraling and she was bouncing from home to home, she wasn’t exactly the best student. At that point in time, she was pretty much useless, soulless. She wasn’t deaf, though, and she could hear the things that people would say about her.... and ‘any minute she gon’ crack’ was definitely used. 

Smokestacks -Layla

I got a night-time shudder and a lion within I got a brain-tricked hunger and you're pulling me in High above the smokestacks Throwin' my soul, throwin' my soul

Night becomes a bit of a hard time for Alaska, and she shudders at the many memories that haunt her, though she has strength and a strong soul inside. This all has tricked her into finding something that she feels like she’s missing, and her willingness to be persuaded and pulled in by both people, and bad situations. It’s like she’s just throwing her soul away sometimes.

Fingers Crossed -Billie Eilish

In the end, when they're all gone When the world is silent and the days are long Just you and I, we'll be alive We made it on our own

Fingers crossed: a dream, a hope, something you can only really leave up to fate. This is and was Alaska’s hope for a long time. Maybe, someday, some way, she’d end up being okay. This song is mostly centered around Seth, her ex and pimp, who she thought would be her ticket out, but only ended up dragging her down. Still, she had hopes and dreams that they could be happy, and leave a lifestyle of drugs, pimping, and trafficking.

Born To Die -Lana Del Rey 

Don't make me sad, don't make me cry Sometimes love is not enough and the road gets tough I don't know why Keep making me laugh, let's go get high The road is long, we carry on Try to have fun in the meantime

Similar to Fingers Crossed, Alaska has hope that things could be good... but in the meantime, she feels like she’s just kind of floating through life. Love was never enough in her family for her. She just wants to try to happy and high more than sad and crying.... until things get figured out, might as well have fun in the meantime. 

DNA -Lia Marie Johnson

Dark as midnight Six pack Coors Light You don't look the same Hate to see you like a monster so I run and hide Hate to ask but what's it like to leave me behind

Oof. This song hits hard for her. It pretty straight-forwardly explains her relationship with her mom after her dad passed away. Her mom became an alcoholic, and completely changed from what Alaska had previously seen her as, and eventually ended in child services coming and taking her away. Moreover, she fears that she’d just ending up like her mom.... you can’t stop DNA.

So Cold -Ben Cocks

It's so quiet here And I feel so cold This house no longer Feels like home

Similarly to her situation above with her mom, it didn’t take longer after things got bad for young Alaska to feel so out of place at home... and, again, when she was bounced around from foster home to foster home and abused. It just felt cold. Dead.

6 Feet Under -Billie Eilish

I can't help but wonder If our grave was watered by the rain Would roses bloom? Could roses bloom Again?

Alaska feels like this for just about every single one of her relationships thus far-- romantic, platonic, familial, doesn’t matter. She kind of feels like she’s killed them all (see ‘ilomilo- Billie Eilish’ above), and it makes her wonder if there’s anything recoverable, if with some rain could cause roses to bloom. She’s just in so deep already, and kind of feels like she’s drowning. There’s no real way out here.

Figure it Out -Eliott

Maybe someday I could get to somewhere somehow Leave me out in the cold You know I wanna get there somehow

Once again, maybe, just maybe, Aly will be able to figure it all out and be okay... wherever that is. 

Start//End -Eden

You try to kill it but it won't stop bleeding Try to forget it but it won't stop killing you You're running out of time Yeah, you know you can't go back, it's too late To say it's too late You can't take back that you said nothing How could you do nothing 

‘Cause I been looking at the sky to show me where where I went wrong Been looking at the sky like someone was looking down But it keeps raining on me

This song is really important in emphasizing her relationship(s) with her siblings, both at the time, and as of late. She felt entirely abandoned by them after their dad died and their mom started drinking. How could Dakota and Montana see what was happening to them, to her, and do nothing? No matter how much Alaska could want to move past it or forget it, it was traumatic for her, and it changed her life forever. In many ways, that’s when life for Alaska as she knew it, ended, and her current life began. It’s too late to change anything now... to late to try and fix it. The second part is directly to/about her dad: she thought that if heaven was real, he’d always be looking down at her, protecting her... but every time Alaska would look up and pray and ask for help, nothing would happen-- things just got worse. It was like no one was even there. 

In This Shirt -The Irreplaceables

I am lost in a rainbow Now our rainbow is gone I did send you a note On the wind for to read Our names there together Must've fallen like the sea

She had always been especially close to her dad, so losing him hit Aly really, really hard. The person that had brought her such jow and light, was gone. She felt like if she thought about him enough, prayed, wrote to him, young Alaska could bring him back somehow, at least in some sense.... but there was nothing. Again with the sea reference, ironically coined and named by her dad, but nothing happened except chaos. She is lost.

When the Party’s Over -Billie Eilish

Quiet when I'm coming home, I'm on my own I could lie and say I like it like that, like it like that Let's just let it go Let me let you go

Tiptoeing around her drunk mom, not having her siblings, sneaking out of foster homes at night, running away, being with Seth, sleeping with johns... there were so many things that she either had to be quiet around, or that were quiet around her, and that Alaska had to lie about. She’d put it behind her and let it go, but it’s tied to a person... multiple people, really... herself included. Sometimes it would just be easier to give in, not fight, let that person go entirely. 

I Lost a Friend- FINNEAS

I'll be lying awake counting all the mistakes I've made Replaying fights I know I'll be alright, but I'm not tonight I lost a friend, I lost a friend I lost my mind, and nobody believes me

This song ties in a lot of themes that are reoccurring in Alaska’s life: making mistakes, regrets, fights, wanting to be alright, struggling at the moment, losing friends, siblings, parents, losing her mind, and having no one to hear her out or advocate for her. They’re life long themes that still affect her to this day. 

Ride- Lana Del Rey

I hear the birds on the summer breeze, I drive fast I am alone in midnight Been trying hard not to get into trouble, but I I've got a war in my mind

Chasing Stars by Extreme Music, Rupert Pope & Giles Palmer holds a similar meaning and sentiment; wanting to chase something intangible but doing anything to get even a synthetic taste of that freedom or completeness. Her thoughts are a battlefield, a constant struggle, and that holds Alaska back a lot, or worse. 

Happy Days- Brooke Candy

It’s getting darker every day Pills to stay up Pills to sleep Pill prescription, therapy Doctor aren't we just a smile away From happy days

And so it comes full circle. All of this has contributed to Alaska’s use and abuse of both party and prescription drugs, to accomplish all of the things that she feels she cannot do on her own, including small things like sleeping, or getting actual help. If she can just pretend to smile and ‘fake it ‘til you make it’, then maybe she can blend in enough and be believable. It’s also fitting for how she concluded her actions in her self para, and wraps up this playlist and situation pretty nicely. 

[kaylewiswrites]

Drunk WIP Week Day 3 - The Forgotten Grave Society

For those of you who haven’t heard me yelling about this for the past three days, I’m shrugging off the burden of trying to look like I know what I’m doing, and introducing my WIPs the way I do when I’m drunk and excited. 

If you like assholes, superpowers, camping, and people who almost get along, check out Day 1. 

If you like slow burn lesbian romances, political intrigue, ragtag groups who come to love each other, and deserts, try Day 2. 

If you like empowered middle school girls who start to see dead people, then congrats, you are, temporally, in the right place. 

The Forgotten Grave Society

Premise:

Today is easy. The world building is like, nothing. 

TFGS takes place in a small town in a small state, where life on the seaside brings in tourists, and also, sometimes, ghosts, apparently. (I am really liking excessive commas today, aren’t I?) The story begins in the small town on the mid-Atlantic on the first full day of summer vacation, in a graveyard that is commonly overlooked. 

Characters:

Marcy: Here’s a girl who looks average, not tall or short, tan or pale, large or small, and has not one single physical feature that makes her stand out. Bank robbery is Marcy’s backup career, since so many people overlook her. But her personality makes up for the middle ground that she exudes: All or nothing. 

She’s either trashing her room, or organizing everything by color. She cooks gourmet meals or rips cold rotisserie chicken straight from the fridge with her hand. To her coaches annoyance, she’s unable to figure out jogging. You can’t just sprint and walk, he tells her. But she doesn’t really get it. 

Marcy spends a lot of time in her own head, and it’s very, very easy for her to miss where the conversations around her are going, while she takes a side path down another road, and by the time she brings up something she founds there, everyone else is miles away. She got laughed at a lot because of this, and now rarely talks with all of her track friends. 

Talents include: running, jumping, getting A’s the three times a year she studies, cooking, and being brutally honest without meaning to be brutal. 

Ava: Ava was born the cutest child you had ever seen. Perfect brown ringlets in her hair, cherubic round face and rosy cheeks, innocent freckles underneath her big round eyes, everyone just adored Ava from the moment they saw her. And then she opened her mouth. 

Ava hates having high expectations held over her head, so she’s learned how to dash them as soon as possible. On the first day of first grade, the teacher called on Ava to introduce herself first, (since she would obviously become the teachers favorite, by the look of her). Ava stood up on her chair and gave a loud, scientific description of how babies were made. She’s been a class clown ever since. 

Known talents are: Causing a scene, making fart noises, disrupting the class. She hides the real ones: sculpting and casting, non-fiction reading, getting under Marcy’s skin (ok, maybe she doesn’t hide that last one)

Ronnie: Everyone knows Veronica is going to become some big engineer or bio-chemist or astrophysicist. Her grandmother was the first black professor at the Marine Biology Department that’s housed in their small town,  so she knows she’s got big shoes to fill. 

But the truth is, Ronnie doesn’t know what she wants to do. She hates that question. You know what she likes? Reading. She likes reading her text books and science theory books, and she likes reading cheesy romances, too. She likes conducting complicated experiments, sure, but she gets just as much pleasure out of the simple steps of her skin-care routine. She relishes in routine and anything she breaks down into small rituals she can. Making a sandwich. Programming a robot. All straightforward if do it one step at a time. 

Talents include: almost anything STEM related, designing inventions, choosing cute outfits, memorizing song lyrics, and coming up with really cool club names.

Plot

Its the first day of summer, and three very different girls from different classrooms and different friend groups somehow find themselves in the same graveyard. 

While there, they realize that a lot of these graves are like, really, really old. People aren’t putting flowers out for them like they do for the new ones. The girls decide to remember those graves for them, and thus the club is born. 

They spend the whole summer hanging out in a graveyard, cleaning stones and making bouquets of definitely-not-stolen-from-people’s-yards flowers. But when it’s time to go back to school, they feel themselves being torn apart by clubs, friends, and work. When they meet in the graveyard again to try to figure out what to do about this, they see a ghost. 

Of course ghost-seeing powers would kick in in September and not June, they think, but discovering the supernatural is real IS a good motivator for spending more time with each other. The Forgotten Grave Society decides to be both about sitting around graves eating snacks on warm summer mornings AND solving ghost problems so they can move onto the next life/afterlife/whatever you believe in (this book takes no assumptions into what happens after the ghosts leave). 

A short snippet is under the cut if you’d like to read! I’m always open to questions, comments, and critiques, so don’t be afraid to give your thoughts. I’m tagging @aomory for this post. If anyone would like to be tagged in more Forgotten Grave Society stuff, let me know! The WIP page is here. 

"Do you think they know?" Ava asks after two weeks of remembering. It's early July, hot and hazy, and humid enough at 9 in the morning that all three are planning on battling tourists to take a dip in the ocean later in the day. They remembered a woman that day, Elizabeth Holson, who died in 1931, and now they're eating lunch in front of her grave. The three girls sit with identical bags of salt and vinegar chips (on sale) and fruit cups filled with syrup. “What’s we’re doing, I mean.”

"You're asking if we believe in life after death," Ronnie responds.

"Well, I guess it's implied," Ava shrugs.

"No." Marcy shoves some chips in her mouth.

"Well, that’s decisive," Ava snorts.

"It seems like a natural, human response to death for me," Marcy states. "Think about it. You see someone die, you realize that one day you will too, and you panic. The idea of nonexistence terrifies people. So they say, no, when you die you go to somewhere better, where you're always young and your whole family is there, or all your stuff is there, or you come back to earth as something else. It's either that or admit that you and everything you know is temporary and unimportant to the world as a whole."

"That's logical, I guess," Ronnie admits. "But I like the idea that something comes next."

"Exactly my point."

"We learn about heaven in Sunday School. I'm going to go ahead and believe in that. It sounds the best."

"In science we learn that matter can't be created or destroyed, only changed. Maybe that happens when we die."

"What do you mean?" Marcy asks. "When, like, a flower dies, it's just gone right? It'll break down into nothing." She gestured at the dead flowers still sitting in front of their first grave. What remains of them are shriveled and dark.

"You're right about it breaking down, but not into nothing. It's releasing carbon dioxide into the air, bugs and larvae and fungi are eating it and turning it into energy the same way we do with food, releasing it as waste, which continues to break down further. All the different parts that made it a living flower are separating back into nature. Remember the Periodic Table? Everything in the universe is made up of those elements, and nothing can ever be added or subtracted."

"So a human body does the same thing. If it's not cremated, it breaks down into it's elements," Ava follows. "What does that have to do with an afterlife?"

"You're body breaks down, but your body isn't the thing that goes to heaven, right?"

"No, it's your soul."

"Exactly. So if nothing can be removed or added from the equation, I think we might be reincarnated."

Ava chews on the tiny plastic spoon that came with her fruit cup. "You're assuming that a soul is made of matter."

"Everything else is."

"But then wouldn't we be able to see it? Feel it?"

"The air around us has mass, but we can't see it, and can usually barely feel it."

"Wouldn't it have to be made of some of your elements?" Marcy asks. "Someone would probably have noticed it by now."

"There could be different molecular constructions that we don't have the technology to detect, a new isotope we haven't thought to look for-" She realizes she’s lost them. "Science is growing every day. Sometimes impossible things are just things that haven't been explained yet."

"You've been thinking about this for a while?" Marcy asks.

"No. Not until Ava just asked."

"This is what we get, making friends with the smart girl," Ava laughs. "So. What's your theory's answer to my question? Do you think these people know what we're doing?"

Ronnie thinks for a moment. "I doubt it. That would imply that they are somehow omniscient about anything that is connected to their past lives. Do you guys have any memories of your old graves?"

"That's a weird thought," Ava shudders. "And no."

Marcy shakes her head.

"Which means that people, or most people, disconnect from their old life when they start a new one. Or it means that my theory is wrong," she chuckles.

"So if you two don't think they know, why are you doing this?"

"I don't think it matters if they know or not," Ronnie says.

"It's like when you do someone a favor,” Marcy says before chugging the syrup from her fruit cup. “If it's important that you take credit for it, then you're not doing it for them. You're doing it for you."  

"Wow. Such kind words from the girl that split open Hannah Bover's lip over a boundary dispute."

"Her foot crossed the line, that shot shouldn't have counted-"

"So you elbowed her in the face?"

"I like doing it," Ronnie cuts in, knowing how long Ava could keep Marcy on this track. "It's peaceful, and it makes me happy. Do we need a reason?"

"Maybe we're subconsciously afraid of being forgotten, so we're trying to remember everyone else. I know I want people to say my name after I'm gone. Everyone deserves to continue existing,” Marcy says with a shrug.

"So Ronnie comes for herself. Marcy comes for them."

"Who do you come for?"

Ava wraps her arms around her legs, as if she were cold. "Neither of your theories allow for ghosts."

She avoids their eyes, and looks very un-Ava-like all of a sudden.

"Do you come for ghosts?" Ronnie asks in the most neutral voice she can manage.

"No," she says defensively. "I mean, I-I didn't. I like doing this, and- just- wouldn't it be cool? If they were watching us, from the shadows, appreciating it?"

Ava becomes more and more nervous as the silence stretches on. Finally, Marcy smiles.

"You're assuming that they're all nice."

[90sgrungewriter]

2. Untitled - Eddie Vedder

Status: Unedited

When we got back inside people hadn't noticed you two left. Well, almost everyone. Stone was always nosy fucker.

"Hey, where'd you two go? You missed the ending of the show you dumb ass." Stone practically yelled, running up beside you. You shoved his shoulder. "Go fuck yourself, Gossard. We just went for a smoke." 

You stole a quick glance at Eddie to see him looking straight toward the now empty stage. You cursed under your breath, you had missed the end of the show. Soundgarden was set to go up next, then it would be Mookie. The rest of you continue to make loud chit chat until the Mudhoney boys come and join. You were about 3 beers in now and you figured you should stop soon, as the effects of the weed and the alcohol mixing were definitely starting to hit you. The last thing you wanted to do was make an idiot out of yourself in front of these other idiots. Logic?

Oh they saw you today as you were leaving, Now they want to hunt you down.

Chris' voice filled the room as they played the show like it was there last. You had always been convinced Chris had the most beautiful voice you had ever heard. But now that Eddie was here, you weren't so sure where your opinion stood.

The first 3 songs were wicked and your eyes were glued to the stage, singing the lyrics out loud. You loved their songs. You always told yourself if you could ever write a fucking song, Chris would be the first you’d play it for. He was so real and honest no matter what, and it was one of your favorite things about him.

"Thank you for having us. We are Soundgarden, and we hope you leave this place tonight feeling something. Something good."

They blasted through their set list and it was a fucking rad time. These boys never cease to amaze me. The music they make, the noise was so good. You were always proud to be somewhat a part of that, and you knew big things would surely come to them one day. You were positive.

Before you knew it, the Mookie guys were getting up to go do their thing. 

"Good luck my boys! Kill it! Though I don't know if it could get any better than that." You joked as Chris was coming around the corner. You knew he heard you as he looked at you, a small smile played at his lips. 

You turned to Jeff, and placed the hat back on top of his head. He winked and gave you a thumbs up before he ran toward the stage. 

"I don't know if it could get better than that, ha ha ha." Stone said in a high pitch, snooty voice trying to imitate you. You flipped him off once again. You bid luck to Mike and Dave but as you looked around to speak to Eddie, he was nowhere to be seen. 

You merely shrugged it off, you were sure he’d do great regardless.

All the boys were up on the stage, setting up. You were making idle talk with the Soundgarden guys, congratulating them on their show. Chris was to your right, his arm casually draped over your shoulder, and the seat to your left remain empty.

"Hi, thank you for sticking around for our show." A soft voice spoke through the mic, none other than Eddie. You smiled to yourself. He looked a bit sweaty, it was probably his nerves. You felt a bit bad, but you didn't know why. I mean he obviously isn't doing this against his will, he could go home to California anytime he wanted to. But he didn't. Not yet anyway. You hoped he wouldn't. He seemed like someone you wanted to stick around, and you knew the boys really liked him. 

"One two three four - what the fuck is this world-" Eddie kicked it off with a great start. I hadn't heard any of these songs yet, and I was thoroughly impressed. Had Eddie written these by himself? You wondered if they would play the song from the demo. You had never heard it before so you guessed it was something he had written. You decided to go grab another beer, as the effects of the last three were wearing off a bit. 

After the first two songs, Jeff spoke loudly into the mic, the sweat all over his body making him look really shiny. It was kind of funny.

"Thank you, this means a lot to us. This is only our second show, and we would like to welcome our new singer Eddie here to Seattle. I know its been a few weeks, but nonetheless, we're still trying not to scare him off." He joked. The crowd cheered and really gave Eddie a warm welcome. 

Thats why they were your friends. Deep down, they were the sweetest humans you would probably ever meet. 

"We would also like to dedicate this show to an awesome friend of ours. She has been with us since the good Mother Love Bone days and this is her first Mookie show, cause she ditched the last one." Stone spoke that last part quietly, but still directly into the mic, a small grin playing at his lips.

 You shook your head, laughing gravely. You knew he was talking about you, and you really didn't like being the center of attention. You would kick Stone's ass later for this. 

"Dani, thank you for not ditching again. This show is for you." They all raised their beers toward me and I couldn't stop laughing. Even Eddie gave a light smile, though his eyes stayed glued to the stage floor most of the time. But that was okay, you understood. It made him look a bit mysterious, it was kind of sexy actually.

What the fuck. You were losing your goddamn marbles. 

You raise your beer in one hand, and the other was flipping Stone off. He surely noticed as he almost spit out his beer to laugh. As they got on with the show, you looked around to notice no one was really looking at you anymore, thank god. 

Chris' arm was still wrapped around your shoulder, his deep voice filling your ears.

"So what do you think of Eddie?" Curiosity peaked his tone.

You smiled. "I think he's cute. Quiet, shy type. Maybe that’s what Stone needs to simmer him the fuck down." You joked, sipping your beer. "The man has got a voice of gold." You praised, your attention returning to Eddie on stage.  

There was something about him that made him stand out to you. He fit in so well over here, but he didn't at the same time. You could tell he was different, and you were wondering if anyone else had cared enough to notice. Your mind wandered for a second.

"I agree. I mean not about the cute thing-" He gave you a look as you started laughing two words in is fucking sentence. He shook your shoulder jokingly. "Fuck off, you didn't let me finish!" He laughed. "He's got a fucking voice man. A great one, and not one that’s trying to be something else, he's just doing him. I like it." He spoke on a more serious tone.

"I know what you mean. I feel pretty bad about missing the first show. Don't tell Stone, he'll think I actually give a fuck." you laughed, looking over at Chris. He laughed loudly.

Suddenly, Kim Thayil was at your other side.

"We talking bout Ed?" He asked, intrigued. You both nodded.

"Yeah, he was pretty bummed out too. He wouldn't stop talking about you to Eddie. Him and Ames. They were pretty pumped to introduce you." Chris spoke, returning the subject.

"I think he likes you." Kim chimed in. This time, you nearly spit out your beer. 

"You're fucking ridiculous." You stated, eyes darting over to Kim.

"Actually, I have to agree." Chris spoke, shocking you.

"You guys are a couple of fucking bimbos. If Stone Gossard liked me, I'm pretty sure I would know by now. I've known the fucker since we were in goddamn diapers." You were getting a bit aggravated at this point, not knowing where the hell they were getting this from. 

They seemed to share a look, while Kim raised both his arms in defending himself.

"Hey, just my opinion." He spoke. You stayed silent, a confused look was plastered on your face.

"I think you'd look better with Eddie anyway." Chris said after a few seconds of silence. Your eyes grew big, and you face palmed yourself.

"I think the last thing that dude needs right now is a fucking girlfriend. He just moved to a city knowing no one but you clowns. He's got a lot on his plate. For all you two know he could have one back home." You defended him.

By this time, they were nearly finished the show and you had yet to hear the song on the demo. You felt a twinge of dissapointment. 

As they wrapped up a song called Garden, Eddie's gaze met mine. You gave him smile and a thumbs up. Then it happened.

He cracked the most beautiful smile in all fucking hell, teeth showing, cheekbones rising. This was it. Him coming out of his shell a little bit and you were happy for him. You knew it would get easier as time went by. Not to mention the crowd being very pleased by their performance.

"We've got two songs left for tonight." The crowd boo'd a little.

"Hey fuck you man!" Mike shouted in the mic and you all laughed. 

Then, music started playing again. You didn't recognize the song, but you definetly were interested. Then, Eddie started to sing...

Sheets of empty canvas, 

untouched sheets of clay..

You were moving your head along to the music. 

By the end of that song you knew it would be one of your favorites. The lyrics were beautiful, and sad. You wondered who he wrote it about. You really wondered if he had a girlfriend back home, but couldn't figure out why she wouldn’t  here with him. Just look at him. He's gorgeous, he's got to have one. You shook your head, trying to rid these thoughts from your mind.

You started to think about some of your past relationships and cringed. They were all pretty shitty. Which is why you were single, really. Your last boyfriend was a mental case. You couldn't do anything. Couldn't even go to school without him thinking you were cheating. And did that ever put a strain on you friendship with the boys. It was a dark time. You were together for nearly 2 years, you stayed because you thought you loved him. Looking back on it now, you surely didn't. Just loved the thought of being in love. 

Then Andy died. 

You flew into a spiralling, never ending pit of depression and you couldn't take it anymore. You had almost considered taking the needle yourself, but couldn't do that to the boys. You couldn’t let them lose another friend.

You needed to flee yourself from that toxic relationsip. And you did. Now, almost a year later and he still tries to get in contact with you once in a while. It was fucking annoying. 

Something suddenly pulled you from your thoughts. The lyrics..

It was the song from the tape. Your mind quickly quieted down as you watched the band play a wicked last song. The song that you were waiting to hear.

Son she said, 

have I got a little story for you...

You jammed the fuck out to that song man and you were sad to hear it end. They thanked the crowd and walked off stage. You finished the rest of your beer and slammed it down on the table, scaring the shit out of both Chris and Kim. You laughed.

"They were fucking awesome. I should go grab there autograph and get some pictures!" Chris clapped his hands together in sarcastic humour. You grinned. 

"Yeah you could be their new groupie." I joked. Kim let out a howl of laughter.

"Fuck you."

"No, your job would be fuck THEM." You pointed toward the sweaty group of guys headed your way.

Chris said nothing, but simply smacked his head against the table. You patted his back and laughed loudly.

"When did you get funnier than me." Was all you could make out of that sentence, as his face was still laying on the table.

What a guy.

"Well, what did you think?" The whole band was looking at you waiting for an answer, but Eddie was nowhere to be seen. You shrugged it off, figuring he just went to grab a beer or take a leak or something.

"It was fucking awesome! Im so proud of you guys, for real. You've come a long way and I can't wait to see where this is going to take you." You smiled wide. 

"Thanks Dani, knew we could count on your unconditional love for us!" Stone spoke in mock gratitude, hand on his heart. You shoved him lightly and laughed.

"I'm gonna head on out you guys. I've got to work in the morning." The clock read 11:38 and you had to work at 10:00 AM.

There were all hums of disappointment, but you had to go. You bid everyone a farewell, and made your way toward the door. You still had no idea where Eddie went, but that was fine. You would see him around some other time.

Sighing contentedly, you start your walk, breathing in the fresh, cold nighttime air. You cursed to yourself, you hadn't brought a jacket with you. Didn’t even cross your mind to bring one actually, and you suffered for it. At least your overalls were on the thicker side, though your arms still froze.

"Danica!”

You spun around to see Eddie running up the sidewalk to catch up with you. You frowned. Maybe he wanted to wish you a good night or something? You started to walk toward him now, meeting him halfway. 

"Hey Ed, you played an awesome show! I wanted to tell you that but you seemed to have disappeared." He smiled small, his head lowering.

"Thank you." He spoke quietly. It was silent for a few moments, so you decided to speak up. 

"I was heading home. Work life in the morning." It was cold as fuck.

"Uh- here." Eddie quickly took off his thick flannel and placed it around your shoulders, almost reading your mind. You were a bit surprised, but flattered by the gesture nonetheless, as you let the warmth and his sent take over.

"Thanks man." You squeezed the flannel tighter. "Jeff was rushing me when he came to pick me up so I obviously had to forget my jacket." you rambled. He nodded.

"Stone asked me to walk you home." He stated quickly. You raised a brow. It wasn't unlike Stone to look out for you, but he never usually asked people to do things like that, he just did them himself. You didn't question it though, just nodded.

"Okay, I'll lead the way then." You spoke, a smile playing at your lips. 

And with that, you both made your way toward your apartment.

[disuvero-declaration]

Article / “Declaration of Spirit: An Interview with Mark di Suvero,” Venice Magazine by William Turner / June 2001 

As you walk toward Venice Beach past the end of Windward Avenue, Mark di Suvero's newly installed sculpture greets you with breathtaking suddenness. Out of the tangled cadence of slightly swaying palms, "Declaration" soars majestically above gentle explosions of fronds. As with much of di Suvero's work, massive steel beams converge in impossibly graceful balance, so that your awareness of staggering weight and size gives way to an exhilarating sense of space and possibility.

Mark di Suvero has installed this piece, in cooperation with LA Louver, to mark the occasion of the Venice Art Walk's 22 nd year in support of the Venice Family Clinic. Di Suvero's work couldn't be a more perfect choice. As long time friend Laddie John Dill said at the commemoration, "Mark has this incredible commitment to peace and the human spirit." That a work of such scale is conceived and implemented by a man with a broken back, who stands with support of twin canes, is remarkable testament to the triumph of that spirit.

Mark di Suvero was born in Shanghai in 1933 and came to San Francisco in 1941. Di Suvero's early work of the late fifties were often fabrications of found objects; tires, cable, rope, lumber and steel which he combined to create unusually graceful and delicate sculptures. A nearly fatal studio accident, in 1960, left di Suvero with a broken back and confined to a wheel chair for several years.   Yet by the mid-sixties, di Suvero's work on large scale steel sculptures had resumed with greater ambition than ever.

It is impossible to stand before di Suvero's powerful, lyrically balanced sculptures without a sense of wonder at how they came into being. When I met di Suvero at the site for "Declaration" , he was wearing his characteristic hard hat and had just finished the installation with his small crew. The cranes and lifts surrounding the 60 foot high piece were no help in imagining how he did it. Yet after spending time with Mark di Suvero, you realize that with passion and energy all things are possible.

Venice: Let's talk about the piece you just installed, "Declaration" .   I went earlier today and it was so big that that I didn't see it at first. I was looking down too low-

Mark di Suvero: Too low huh? Are you sure it wasn't the pollution that made it blend into the background?

Well the trees do have an interesting effect with it.

Peter [Goulds, owner of LA Louver Gallery] promised to paint it fluorescent orange, himself. I like the idea.

Put him to work.

Yes. Do you want to talk about the artists' of Venice that I've known?

Sure. Why don't we start with that.

Okay. There is Guy Dill, and Laddie John Dill. And I like to look at the beautiful pieces of Kenny   Price that are here. Joe Goode, and people like that. They were all working when I was working in the city. It was when we were all awake and alive, some thirty years ago

Yeah, late sixties, early seventies?

Late sixties just up to seventy.

And you lived in the West Hollywood area?

West Hollywood, and then in Pasadena. Pasadena has changed completely. Of course thirty years ago, for Los Angeles, means a couple of generations ago. (Laughs) It is different now.

A lot of those artists- Larry Bell, Robert Irwin, De Wain Valentine, Billy Al Bengston-worked with materials like polyester and resin, pursuing ideas about light and space-

-They were the cutting edge, Finish / Fetish, the whole idea of abstract expressionism, or "A.E.". go on-

Did you have any flirtation with those materials or ideas? How did you see yourself fitting in artistically?

No. They kind of refused me. I was from New York, although we were all friends. They were supposedly of another type, and I didn't quite fit in. The work I was doing was too raw, or seemed raw. It seemed funky. It seemed direct, and that wasn't what they were doing. But they liked me, because there was that sense that we were all working together and had something.

Who were your early influences as an artist?

Early influences...well, how far back do you want me to go?

I'll let you decide.

I had to do a studio class today, for Otis, and I talked to them about the Venus of Willendorf and Brancusi as two different poles. As two different time sets. You look at the Venus of Willendorf and you look at Brancusi as really deep influences. People that I liked, of course were...what... you weren't born in the Fifties-

Fifty-three.

So that's about when I started. I started in about '55. I was in school. The people that I really looked at,   at the time were people like Gonzales and Henry Moore, who was considered modern.   There was Picasso,   there was Brancusi, there were the Americans like, ah help me-

-David Smith -

Yeah, David Smith, those people.

When did you feel your work began to develop its current identity?

After I had my back broken, that's when I really was able to finally start welding, no longer working just with wood.   I looked a lot at the Russian Constructivists, so by the time I came to L.A., I was working with heavy wood, large I-beams. I had already done pieces like "Maryann Moore" ,   which is now in the Mall in Washington D.C. So what they call my signature style, which is actually sculpture that is the right size and scale for working with a truck crane, had already been reached. Although I hadn't reached it to the level of this piece, "Declaration" .

Even your smaller works have a wonderful monumentality to them. If you look at them out of any context of scale, they could be huge.

I talked to Don Judd about that. We were talking about scale as this kind of internal reference. For me, the real struggle for sculpture since the very early sixties has to do with space. The people who really began that spatial exploration were Rodin with his "Burghers of Calais" . Not the one you have here in LA [at the LA County Museum], which is all wrong spatially, but the one where they are spread out and they look like they are lost and in lost directions. Then it goes into Giacometti, with his "Men in a Square" , where everybody looks like they have nothing to do with each other,   they're going all in different ways. There is that sense of space and scale which is really completely different from the previous ideas- the monuments, the monoliths- where the space is enclosing. A lot of the people in L.A. when I was working here, did not have that. They were into Andy Warhol, and that Finish / Fetish stuff, and stuff like that. So I was a little bit out of it, and finally I had to leave. So it wasn't only because of Norton Simon-

What was your run-in with Norton Simon?

When I returned after the Vietnam War, Norton Simon said to me that I had to get my piece out of there, [the Pasadena Museum] and that they would pay for the crane to bring it down but they would not pay for the truck. So I had to pay for the truck back to my studio. The piece ended up back in my studio and later near a Phillip Johnson building.

That was right after Norton Simon took over the Pasadena Museum?

Yes. Then he destroyed it.

I know for a lot of you back then, the Pasadena Museum was a real seminal, supportive environment.

Exactly.

From everyone I've talked to, the Pasadena Museum had a huge impact on the development of an artistic sensibility in Los Angeles. It was really the beginning...

Yup! John Coplans was there and Barbara Haskell. Then Norton Simon came in, it had to do with their budget, and they lost it.

A big loss at the time, for LA artists.

What is there now, LACMA, right? There's the Contemporary [Museum of Contemporary Art] right? Then there's the Temporary Contemporary [Geffen Contemporary] -which has done so much, I think.

One of the Geffen's most impressive recent shows was the one for Richard Serra-

I didn't see it, but it also went to Bilbao and it was a big success in there.

You and Serra both work with massively large scale steel sculptures. Although they are clearly quite different in style, are you pursuing similar sculptural and spatial concerns?

There's a great deal of difference, although we grew up together. Same area, we had only one house between us. We grew up in the same neighborhood. No, I think Richard has had terrific influence, and although we work in the same material there are strong differences. I asked Dick Bellamy to show Nancy Graves, that's when they were together, but he showed Richard Serra. I think that Nancy Graves is in some ways so wild and explorative and Richard has a different psychological zone to him.

Let's talk about this piece for a minute. It has a feeling of celebration of life. But there's also something quite sexual about it-

Sensual or Sexual?

Well, perhaps sensual with a sexual twist?

Well, when I suggested bungie cords with a bed at the bottom, there were people who said that it wouldn't work in Venice, it would get worn out! (laughs).

In conceiving of "Declaration", was there any thought in terms of the theme of that particular piece? Did that have anything to do with commemorating the Venice Family Clinic?

No it didn't. I had built the piece and had already finished it. It was already in position when Peter [Goulds] first saw it. It's a heavy piece, for me but I think that it has that thing I aimed for.

What do you aim for?

I've been writing a book for the last thirty years and it has to do with the human perception of structure. The idea of symbolic structures in language, math, and art. Maybe it's going to get published. It has in it photos of a hundred pieces of sculptures that are more than five meters tall. The photos will say something about the sculpture and my choice of poetry will say something about my vision of structure in poetry, which is what I think is necessary to make a work glow.

So you see a parallel between the structural form of sculpture and the structural form of language and poetry?

I had to jam the book together to say it to you, but there's a dimension in there that you are correct in, but I wouldn't quite say it that way.

In terms of the massive scale of this piece, relative to the scale of the viewer, there is a sensation that is quite humbling. When you walk up to it, the piece becomes almost overwhelming in its size.

I would like to think not that it's humbling but that it expands your sense of possibility of spirit. After all, I realize that for the last 40 years that I've been handicapped, I'd like kids to feel, "Wow, if someone handicapped can do that, I sure can!". I like there to be a certain level of participation. Whether its in small pieces where there's touch and you have that sense of feel or with pieces with swinging beds, which work on your sense of balance. I've done these pieces where people walk right through the sculpture-

Which "Declaration" invites you to do.

Yes. That goes back some thirty odd years.

Upon seeing "Declaration", my first reaction was that I wished that there weren't palm trees behind it so that I could really see the stark contrast of the structure against the vast expanse of the ocean. But on further reflection, I like how something of that scale is initially lost in the trees and then suddenly erupts from the landscape behind it and towers against the sky.

You know there's an ecstatic poet named Rumey. Do you know his work?

I don't.

I dedicated a work to him years ago. It was shown in New York and at the Guggenheim in Venezia. It's in Kansas City now. He talks about ecstacy. Its a joining of the world with the world in a way that is, and should be, joyous and brilliant and colorful and all of it, all at once. Which is why I want Peter to paint that piece fluorescent orange. He should start from the top. He suggested a sable brush!

I heard him and I hope that he does because that will mean that it will be here for a lot longer than the four months that is planned.

I'm afraid it will get tagged more often - but that's OK too.

In spite of the fact that you say "Declaration" was not specifically created for the Venice Family Clinic, it seems like a great choice because it feels like such a life affirming piece.

Well, I would like it to be that. You know I told Peter when they demanded a building permit two days before it went up, that if he didn't get the permit then there was no show. I would not deliver the piece, although it was half loaded onto the trucks. But I still felt positive about it because of doing the lithographs (for the Venice Family Clinic), doing the posters and T-shirts, which I don't normally do. But I felt it was all going for a really righteous type of thinking. That Family Clinic is terrific. I think that Liz Forer and the people that work there and volunteer are the best part of America.  

[byeoltan]

Did You Know?

that in BTS ‘봄날 (spring day)’ MV, the train station that showed taehyung waiting in the beginning is actually a real train station, iryeong station in yangju city, gyeonggi-do, albeit an abandoned one, since they only transport cargo now.

and that the music video is one helluva train ride to a place where there stood a tall tree, the place where they got together and come in terms with grief and hardships in life because the cold winter does end at some point, and spring comes. but let’s talk about that later :) lets, lets talk about the very first lines namjoon uttered so carefully, such vulnerable words

i miss you saying it like this makes me miss you even more even looking at your photos, i miss you ain’t time so heartless i..hated us the us who now can’t even look at each other’s face even once

보고 싶어/bogoshippeo means ‘i miss you’, an informal, casual tone that you can use freely to significant others, friends, families, it literally means ‘i want to see you’ but essentially, it means, ‘i miss you’, here, though, namjoon used 보고 싶다/bogoshipda, which is also an informal word, but a non-conjugated form of 보고 싶어/bogoshippeo, it holds a slightly different meaning than just ‘i miss you’ because it’s not a verb. 보고 싶다/bogoshipda for lack of better words, is an expression of longing, and carries a deeper emotion than just i miss you, kinda like a monologue (?) cos he’s not saying it to someone in particular, the expression feels a bit colder, which is ironic cos then he went on about how cold time is for making him missing someone.

this place is all winter, even in august winter comes it’s like my heart/mind races with time the lonely ‘snowpiercer’ who travelled to the south (i want to) while holding your hands, go all the way to the other side of the earth i wish i could end this winter, i wonder, friend, how much does the longing should fall like snow for spring day to come?

설국열차 is the korean title for the movie ‘snowpiercer’, also the name of the train in the movie that holds the last remnants of humanity after an attempt at climate engineering in order to stop global warming has unintentionally created a new ice age. essentially, ppl in the train thought no life can exist outside of the train, not knowing there is (a polar bear), which showed up at the end of the movie. i thought it was brilliant how namjoon referenced this movie, it’s like he’s saying no matter how hard circumstances can be, no matter how hard you think you have it, there is always hope, there is always a way out, there’s always spring after a cold cold winter, even when it seems impossible, you can have your cake and eat it

(or not ;p) 

the lyrics in this song isn’t that hard to comprehend tbh it’s quite straightforward but the way they express it is both poetry and cynicism at its best, and despite the repetitive chorus the song is atcually quick and full, leaving nothing short of amazement. 

like the tiny dust that floats/flies in the air if i’m the snow that flies in the air  i would’ve reached you a little faster 

my heart swells a little here, because they are reiterating what namjoon says about wanting to hold hands so we can end this winter together, that they want to, if only they’re with us, doesn’t it soothe your heart a little? knowing there are people out there who knows how cold life can be, and wants to get to us quickly so we could the end it together 

and when some of the members lament

the snowflakes are falling little by little bit more, they fall i miss you (i miss you) how much longer do i have to wait and how many more nights do i have to stay up, to see you? will i ever get to meet you?

the others be consoling like, well,

after we pass by the end of cold winter until spring day comes once again until the flowers blossom at that place (even when it’s cold/even when you have to wait long), for a little while, please stay please stay

but then yoongi’s part came and i sobbed a little because it’s so??

i wonder if you have changed, or if i have changed. perhaps, i’ve changed. i hate the time that’s flowing at this very moment  i guess we have changed, huh i guess everyone does that, huh yeah, okay, i hated you but even when you left, there was never a day that i’ve forgotten about you and even though i actually miss you, i’m gonna erase you now cos that’ll hurt way less than blaming you

and it doesn’t help when both seokjin and jimin go on to say

i try to blow away the cold you who is like smoke, like white smoke even when i say i’m going to erase you the truth is i still can’t let you go

 /crieS/ which is why the ending gets me because

you know it all you’re my best friend the morning will come again no matter what kind of darkness or (bad) seasons  they can’t last forever

(and) it looks like cherry blossoms are blooming (now) and this winter too, is coming to an end i miss you  if i wait just a little bit longer if i stay up just a few more nights i will come to see you i will come to take you (away)

after we pass by the end of cold winter until spring day comes once again until the flowers blossom at that place (even when it’s cold/even when you have to wait long), for a little while, please stay please stay

i want to mention here that omelas referenced in the mv as we are all prob aware of by now, tells a story of how a child was kept hidden in a secluded place in the omelas city, with horrible conditions, in exchange of happiness of the entire city. and that the same tragedy also shares with children in the movie snowpiercer itself, where they were enslaved and used as replacement parts to keep the train functioning. to put it simply, children depicted in both stories were convinced to give their life for the continuation of a way of life that was totally oppressive to their own circumstances, which is extremely radical in a way that has deep resonance for our real world, like how can you stand being together in a society that is built from abuse and discrimination, entrenched inequality, and do nothing?

and it is precisely because of this, bangtan continues to voice out their opinions as they did in previous albums, and call out the perpetrators as well as the bystanders for everyhting that has gone wrong, that could go wrong, and that is going wrong in the society, especially in the events relating to their home country south korea

let me bring you back to the music video where jimin picked up the white shoes from the winter sea

the white shoes that middle-school/high school students wear in south korea

and how he carries the shoes all through out the mv

before he brought them to a tree after they all got off the train 

and hang them

these scenes imo is very much referenced to the sewol ferry tragedy that took place in april, 2014, the incident that had resulted in more than 300 deaths, including 250 second-year high school students and their teachers from danwon high school who were on a field trip that day, and is recognized as one of the most devastating maritime disaster in decades, and it’s not just because of a sinking ferry itself but because of willfull negligence and corruption.

fyi when the ferry was sinking, the captain of the ship and a number of cabin crew made announcement for the passengers to stay where they were when they themselves chose to abandon the ship while hundreds of people were still trapped inside. and being good citizens they all remained at their cabin, where they waited for further orders, which never came 

the members of crew who stayed to help passengers were among those who died. 

and the disaster doesn’t end there. it was found out later that the ship itself was illegally modified and was carrying almost double its legal limit with inexperienced crew and a questionable relationship between the ship operators and state regulators. the investigation was also conducted behind closed doors where the families are not permitted to observe the recovery operation, these allegations as well as  the way the government lacked transparency adds more to the lengthy laundry list of grievances souht koreans have against park geun hye’s administration. there were questions raised as to where she was when it happened that morning and why wasn’t the issue addressed publicly even 7 hours afterwards.

the yellow ribbons symbolize hope and solidarity with the families victims and i think it’s genius how they incorporate this knowing very well that they can be blacklisted from the government which is ridiculous at every level. the government was highly blamed for many lives lost that day, what with the lack of safety standards in the country, the families were also mostly left out of the investigation, there’s just so many dissatisfaction ppl have over park geunhye’s administration, and that itself is an understatement. and with bangtan and bighit donating 100 million won (approximately $85,000) to the sewol ferry disaster 416 family council, they are probably blacklisted already :/ 

the pile of clothing could also be a metaphor to ppl who left this world as exhibited by french artist christian boltanski’s work entitled ‘personnes’ as part of monumenta in 2010. i quote, “These grouped clothes may represent mass graves, or corpses arrayed for identification in the school gym, but they also constitute a kind of cemetery. For the experience is just the same: that there is nobody here and yet the place is crowded. Personnes, the piece is called: people, but at the same time no one.”

which is why even though tying shoes high on a tree branch or power lines have variation in meanings for different country and culture, there is one famous belief taht i think is what is meant here; that tying shoes high on a tree branch signifies someone has died and that the shoes belong to the dead person. that the reason they are hanging, is so when the dead person’s spirit returns, it will walk that high above the ground, that much closer to heaven 

and it would’ve been fineeeee to just reference spring day like this as a remembrance to the passing of the passengers and the beautiful children because the song DOES talk about grief and hardships in life, and that no matter what kind of darkness or (bad) seasons they can’t last forever 

but then bangtan had these lines that are repeatedly voiced melancholically all throughout the chorus until the very end of the song and i just–

after we pass by the end of cold winter until spring day comes once again until the flowers blossom at that place (even when it’s cold/even when you have to wait long), for a little while, please stay please stay

it’s as if bangtan is throwing shade at the captain and his crew for being dishonorable, asking the children to stay where they were ‘until the rescue boats arrive’ when they themselves were up and about ready to get out of the ship, 

it’s just. 

when the boys say these last lines it’s as if, it’s as if the boys are saying to the children that they know it’s hard to wait, but just stay there. it’s okay to stay there, i’ll come to you instead, yeah? just you wait there till i come to you so we can end this suffering together

[theambivalent]

Letter to the Breathless

I’m sorry I had to cancel going to the high school reunion. I had to take mom to a doctor’s appointment - it was her blood again - too thick for her fragile veins. After her appointment, I just had my energy drained. Yours would be too if you had to spend 4+ hours in waiting rooms. -and of course… I get no cell phone signal there. Shit.

I try to message you on Instagram, but you deleted it. I message you on Facebook. Nothing. It doesn’t even say it’s been read. I wonder if you’re going off-grid. “Un-plugging”, the kids call it. I like to call it real life. Two weeks pass… more than enough time to ‘unplug’. I Email. Text. Nothing. Nothing. Are you ignoring me on purpose? Did my cancelling really get you that angry with me?

It had been the second time I’d cancel spending time with you because of family or work. No bullshit. If  I just ‘didn’t want to’, I would have told you. The first time, you wanted to meet for lunch, and I said yes. You seemed happy. I seemed happy. Then my husband’s car broke down [fiancee at the time] and I had to pick him up. Could you blame a future wife for not wanting to leave her man stranded?

Months pass, and i beat myself up trying to figure out what I did or said to you that you would be so angry with me to the point that you’d delete your Instagram and stop contacting me. Did your old lady find my messages and take them the wrong way? Did she get angry? Did she leave you with your son? I push that thought out of my head. I’m too dramatic. Way too dramatic. That’s such a lame reason to fight.

We’ve been friends for a long time. We were best buds in elementary school; you were my ONLY friend at one point. I was a bit of a loner in the beginning. I didn’t know how to socialize, and you were the only one in my ESL class that would actually talk to me. You were nice to me when no one else was. I needed that. You took the long way home from school just so you can walk me home on the way. Too nice. My family teased the crap out of me for that one. Thanks.

But you moved away and we never saw each other again. I was angry with you that you moved, so I ignored your calls & snail mail. Blamed it on my super hard 5th grade homework. Stupid.

We get in touch a few years later, then a few years of nothing. Then ‘remember me?’, and we connect again. Then another few years of nothing. That’s just how we are. We don’t find it weird.

We just reconnect in time my for high school reunion - which I invite you to. And then… I have to cancel.

So, okay, you’re not logging into your Facebook. Fine. You ignore my texts. Double fine. I begin to get angry. Facebook is telling me the last time you logged in was months ago. The most recent things you posted… you sounded sad. You talk about driving off cliffs and doing drugs. Not like you. Except for the drugs. You know I’m against that. And you never listened to me in those regards. But that’s not the version of you that I know. Every Time you spoke to me, you sounded happy. Maybe not ‘over the moon’ happy; you had the usual everyday complaints that I had or any other person would have about work, traffic, just… life in general. I had never seen  your actual posts since I only  used Facebook for ‘messenger’. I scroll down all of your posts. They’re all very cryptic. Some are lyrics of rap songs you like. So maybe everything you post is rap lyrics and I don’t listen to Drake so I assume you’re okay, just upset with me.

Months roll around and your birthday pops up. I send you a ‘happy birthday’ message. Last time i did that, you got so happy that I remembered. This time...nothing. Why are you ignoring me? I get emotional. I want to talk to an old friend and he doesn’t talk to me. Voiceless. Breathless.

Angry. I put you in the back of my mind.. Is this going to be one of those times where we take a break for a few years.

Okay. we’ve done this before. Give him space.

Give him his 

S

P

A

C

E.

A year rolls by. It’s your birthday again. I message you: happy birthday. It’s not read. You’re not responding. Again. I go to your profile. And there it is. The latest post on your profile was by one of your friends. “We really miss you bro, but we know you’re looking down on us everyday”

Eyes open wide.

What.

The.

Fuck.

This is some sort of prank. I furiously google your name, which is extremely difficult because your name matches some famous dude’s name. A conqueror from history. What were your parents thinking? I get frustrated and stop searching. I can’t find you anywhere. Where did you go?

Finally. I get a hit. An obituary. I am at work. I freak out. I cry. No one hears me crying. I go to my car in the parking lot and just let it out. I want to turn back time and just message you like we always do when something insanely terrible happens in my life.

I do nothing for 2 weeks and try to clear my mind. What happened? Was there an accident? Then I remember your last few posts. I remember how sad you sounded. I cry again. I message your friend that left that post on your page. He tells me you never told him about me. Why? Did you not want anyone to know about me? Was I a secret of yours? Or was I just nothing to you? He tells me that your family didn’t disclose how you died… not to anyone.

No one wanted to be disrespectful, so no one asked. He tells me you were depressed, but even more so right before you passed away. It is March. You passed away September the year prior to that. One year and 5 months ago. It was the same day I cancelled meeting you at my high school reunion. He says you went to his house that evening and looked terrible. Hung out for a bit. You looked like you were on something. And you weren’t seen since. He thinks you might have overdosed. Could this be true? I don’t want it to be true.

My stomach feels heavy. My insides fill up with bricks & stones and i am heavy. When I get home, I sink into my bed and just… go numb. So much pain. The same night i cancelled? Was that just coincidence? Did something else happen to you that night? Why didn’t you come to me? Did you feel that i was pushing you away? Sometimes I do that, I’ll admit. But considering how we are with each other... Our huge gaps in-between speaking to each other… could something worse have happened to you that night? Was it planned? An accident? I may never know.

I don’t understand. I replay all of our conversations from that time in my head. On repeat. Trying to find a moment that stood out. Something to tell me that it was all because of me. You’re gone because of me.

I join a chat group to grieve. People who’ve lost loved ones to suicide. I’m still not sure if that’s how you went, but so far, all evidence points to that. They all had one thing in common. They all blamed themselves after the incident. It’s natural to feel guilty, they tell me. I’m numb. How can I be sure? I can't, they tell me. I say it’s insanely unfair. They send me virtual hugs and somehow I feel better. Until i go home and have nothing to think about but you. And it took me almost a year and a half to find out about you being gone. Breathless. And i feel guilty again.

My husband gives me the space i need. 

S

P

A

C

E

I’m in awe of him. What he puts up with [me]. He knows I’m upset about you. What happened to you. Whether you did it to yourself or not. It’s not fair.

I only have one picture of you. The one from your online obituary. I have it hanging on my cubicle at work. I see your face everyday. You look sad in the picture. Tired.

I managed to track down your brother online and he [of course] doesn’t know who I am. Your little secret. I still don’t know how to feel about that. He offers to meet me at your grave site. You were cremated, but you have a memorial. He looks like you. It hurts to see his pictures. He is like the version of you I knew. He looks happy in all of his pictures, and I turn down his offer. I don’t have the courage for this.

This fall will be 3 years since you left us. Next month will be one year since I found out. I still have not visited your grave. I want to. Badly. Maybe if I see it, then it will be real. Too real. I’m too fragile for that. 

For fuck’s sake, you had a kid. A little person was depending on you. 

*Anger. Confusion. Sadness. Emptiness.*

I breathe. In. Out.

Eyes closed. I feel your presence, but you’re not here. 

Not breathing. In. Out. 

Breathless….

[ethelindawrites]

Song Review: The War Was In Color by Carbon Leaf

I’m honestly not even sure if song review are a thing, but I’ve been in love with this song for months and really want to talk about it, so I’m doing it anyway.

So, I first discovered The War Was In Color through this fan video that someone made based on the first Captain America and Avengers movies, which is honestly kind of perfect, so I would definitely recommend watching that. But the song is also really gorgeous just by itself, so that’s what I’m going to focus on here: it is a tribute to those who fought during World War II, from a U.S. perspective.

I happen to be involved in a big WWII project at work right now, so I’m already feeling a bit invested in the time period and also pretty emotional about it. That makes the lyrics for this song hit me a little harder even than they did when I first discovered it.

I see you've found a box of my things - Infantries, tanks and smoldering airplane wings. These old pictures are cool. Tell me some stories Was it like the old war movies? Sit down son. Let me fill you in

I love the imagery here – it’s just a box of old photographs, but to the WWII veteran, it’s a lot more than that: “infantries, tanks and smoldering airplane wings.” These are the pieces of the war that he remembers, not the two-dimensional pictures. I like also the imagery of a younger family member actually asking a veteran about his time in the war, and the veteran being willing to answer and speak about it.

Where to begin? Let's start with the end This black and white photo don't capture the skin From the flash of a gun to a soldier who's done Trust me grandson The war was in color

There is something about the last line of this verse/the title of this song that really hits me. Even as an historian who knows better, it is still sometimes easy to get caught up in the immediate depictions of the war that are readily available to me...the black and white photographs, newspapers, and movies of the time. There are other artifacts as well, of course, that are not black and white (colorful propaganda posters, flags, etc.). But so many of the direct photographs of that era are black and white, that it can be easy to forget: like life for all people, in all places and all times, this war too was in color. It was immediate and real...the present for many millions of people, even if it is the past for us now.

From shipyard to sea, From factory to sky From rivet to rifle, from boot camp to battle cry

There is so much alluded to in just two lines here, a whole nation of people who came together and built things in order for America and the Allies to win. Reading up about the defense industry in my local area has been part of what I’m doing at work, and the sheer speed at which some of it got going, and the sheer amount of war material produced over the course of the war, even just right around here, is almost mind-boggling. There were the women who stepped up to work, either in the factories or by enlisting in the armed forces to do work here in the States (the first time they were officially allowed to enter the US military). And of course there were the millions of men who took up arms and trained and then went overseas to fight. I wore the mask up high on a daylight run That held my face in its clammy hand

The allusion for me here to a pilot, flying with Death’s hand on his face, is just chilling. Always riding on the edge, and any flight might be your last. My grandfather was a pilot with the Marines, although in the Korean War, rather than WWII, so it hits pretty close to home that way too. Crawled over coconut logs and corpses in the coral sand

The juxtaposition of things in this line really gets me: lovely tropical coconut logs and coral sand...covered with corpses. And not just any corpses, but the dead bodies of your fellow soldiers that you must crawl over because the fight isn’t won and you have to keep going. This is a clear reference to the fighting in the Pacific theater, trying to take islands back from the Japanese. It really makes me think about the three men from my area who won Medals of Honor during WWII – all three were in the Pacific, and all three were awarded the Medal for covering Japanese grenades in order to save fellow soldiers. That’s not a part of our research that I can read with dry eyes.

Where to begin? Let’s start with the end This black and white photo don't capture the skin From the shock of a shell or the memory of smell If red is for Hell The war was in color

I like the reminder here that not only was the war in color, but it was more than just a visual experience. The concussive blast of a shell exploding, the smell of the gunpowder and the dead and the dying...those are things that most of us haven’t experienced, and that’s an integral part of a soldier’s experience of the war that is pretty much forever out of our reach. We might occasionally have sound to go with the visuals...but that experience of the war is very different from that of someone who lived through it. Even a movie (with that constant subconscious knowledge that it is fiction) does not have the same impact.

I held the canvas bag over the railing The dead released, with the ship still sailing, Out of our hands and into the swallowing sea

No time to grieve in war. I know it’s a fairly well-known phrase, but for some reason that “into the swallowing sea” here really gets me. The reminder of the immensity of the ocean, I guess, and its indifference to our tragedies. I felt the crossfire stitching up soldiers Into a blanket of dead, and as the night grows colder In a window back home, a Blue Star is traded for Gold.

For those who may not know: If someone in your family was away fighting in the war, you got a “Blue Star Banner” to hang in your window. Officially, they are called a Service Banner, and they look like this. If that person was killed, then you took down the blue star, and hung a Gold Star Banner in its place. Thousands and thousands of American families had gold stars hanging in their windows before the war was over. (Additional history facts: These were first used during WWI, and are still used today.)

Where to begin? Let's start with the end This black and white photo don't capture the skin When metal is churned, and bodies are burned Victory earned The War was in color

That repeating line of “This black and white photo don’t capture the skin,” that acknowledgment that this photograph isn’t enough to capture what the soldier went through...but it’s all that he has. It is enough, at least, to evoke the memories, enough for him to tell the story. The war was hard-fought and hard-won, and victory, like everything else, was in color.

Now I lay in my grave at age 21 Long before you were born Before I bore a son It is one of the harder things to learn about, as you study WWII, just how young many of the soldiers were (on all sides, and certainly here in the US as well). The three Medal of Honor winners I mentioned earlier? One of them joined before he was even out of high school, and the other two on their 18th birthdays, as soon as they no longer needed parental permission to enlist. This is true of others killed in action from my area as well. Many of them weren’t even 21 yet when they died. What good did it do? Well hopefully for you A world without war A life full of color

That was the real question – what good did it do? With the lives of so many individual human beings cut brutally short – was it worth it? I think that, in the case of WWII, the answer is a clear yes. Many, many people were able to go on and live their lives in greater peace and freedom (whatever the conflicts that came later). And that is probably what so many of the soldiers were fighting for: a chance for themselves and their loved ones, friends, and neighbors to live good lives, lives full of color

Where to begin? Let's start with the end This black and white photo never captured my skin Once it was torn from an enemy thorn Straight through the core The war was in color

Where to begin? Let’s start with the end This black and white photo never captured my skin From the flash of a gun to a soldier who’s done Trust me grandson The war was in color Trust me grandson The war was in color Trust me grandson The war was in color (Performed by Carbon Leaf. Written by Barry Thomas Privett, Carter Gravatt, Scott Andrew Milstead, Terrell H. Clark • Copyright © BMG Rights Management US, LLC)

The refrain at the end, trying to emphasize the realness of it to someone who was not there, who has only “old war movies” and this box of black and white photographs to learn from. But the soldier was there, and he saw it all, and smelled it and heard it and breathed it, and now he can give a little piece of that story to his grandson, to help him learn and understand.

I don’t know that I have much else articulate to say about this, and this is really more of an “oh god the FEELS” than a proper review, but I needed to get some of this down. I hope other people enjoy the song, and perhaps even the mini, rather disjointed history lesson.

~Ethelinda

[butterflygalatic-blog]

Spring Day

Did You Know?

that in BTS ‘봄날 (spring day)’ MV, the train station that showed taehyung waiting in the beginning is actually a real train station, iryeong station in yangju city, gyeonggi-do, albeit an abandoned one, since they only transport cargo now.

and that the music video is one helluva train ride to a place where there stood a tall tree, the place where they got together and come in terms with grief and hardships in life because the cold winter does end at some point, and spring comes. but let’s talk about that later lets, lets talk about the very first lines namjoon uttered so carefully, such vulnerable words

i miss you saying it like this makes me miss you even more even looking at your photos, i miss you ain’t time so heartless i..hated us the us who now can’t even look at each other’s face even once

보고 싶어/bogoshippeo means ‘i miss you’, an informal, casual tone that you can use freely to significant others, friends, families, it literally means ‘i want to see you’ but essentially, it means, ‘i miss you’, here, though, namjoon used 보고 싶다/bogoshipda, which is also an informal word, but a non-conjugated form of 보고 싶어/bogoshippeo, it holds a slightly different meaning than just ‘i miss you’ because it’s not a verb. 

보고 싶다/bogoshipda for lack of better words, is an expression of longing, and carries a deeper emotion than just i miss you, kinda like a monologue (?) cos he’s not saying it to someone in particular, the expression feels a bit colder, which is ironic cos then he went on about how cold time is for making him missing someone.

this place is all winter, even in august winter comes it’s like my heart/mind races with time the lonely ‘snowpiercer’ who travelled to the south (i want to) while holding your hands, go all the way to the other side of the earth i wish i could end this winter, i wonder, friend, how much does the longing should fall like snow for spring day to come?

설국열차 is the korean title for the movie ‘snowpiercer’, also the name of the train in the movie that holds the last remnants of humanity after an attempt at climate engineering in order to stop global warming has unintentionally created a new ice age. 

essentially, people in the train thought no life can exist outside of the train, not knowing there is (a polar bear), which showed up at the end of the movie. i thought it was brilliant how namjoon referenced this movie, it’s like he’s saying no matter how hard circumstances can be, no matter how hard you think you have it, there is always hope, there is always a way out, there’s always spring after a cold cold winter, even when it seems impossible, you can have your cake and eat it

(or not ;p)

the lyrics in this song isn’t that hard to comprehend tbh it’s quite straightforward but the way they express it is both poetry and cynicism at its best, and despite the repetitive chorus the song is atcually quick and full, leaving nothing short of amazement.

like the tiny dust that floats/flies in the air if i’m the snow that flies in the air i would’ve reached you a little faster

my heart swells a little here, because they are reiterating what namjoon says about wanting to hold hands so we can end this winter together, that they want to, if only they’re with us, doesn’t it soothe your heart a little? 

knowing there are people out there who knows how cold life can be, and wants to get to us quickly so we could the end it together

and when some of the members lament

the snowflakes are falling little by little bit more, they fall i miss you (i miss you) how much longer do i have to wait and how many more nights do i have to stay up, to see you? will i ever get to meet you?

the others be consoling like, well,

after we pass by the end of cold winter until spring day comes once again until the flowers blossom at that place (even when it’s cold/even when you have to waited long), for a little while, please stay please stay

but then yoongi’s part came and i sobbed a little because it’s so??

i wonder if you have changed, or if i have changed. perhaps, i’ve changed. i hate the time that’s flowing at this very moment i guess we have changed, huh i guess everyone does that, huh yeah, okay, i hated you but even when you left, there was never a day that i’ve forgotten about you and even though i actually miss you, i’m gonna erase you now cos that’ll hurt way less than blaming you

and it doesn’t help when both seokjin and jimin go on to say

i try to blow away the cold you who is like smoke, like white smoke even when i say i’m going to erase you the truth is i still can’t let you go

/crieS/ which is why the ending gets me because

you know it all you’re my best friend the morning will come again no matter what kind of darkness or (bad) seasons they can’t last forever

(and) it looks like cherry blossoms are blooming (now) and this winter too, is coming to an end i miss you if i wait just a little bit longer if i stay up just a few more nights i will come to see you i will come to take you (away)

after we pass by the end of cold winter until spring day comes once again until the flowers blossom at that place (even when it’s cold/even when you have to waited long), for a little while, please stay please stay

i want to mention here that omelas referenced in the mv as we are all prob aware of by now, tells a story of how a child was kept hidden in a secluded place in the omelas city, with horrible conditions, in exchange of happiness of the entire city. 

and that the same tragedy also shares with children in the movie snowpiercer itself, where they were enslaved and used as replacement parts to keep the train functioning. to put it simply, children depicted in both stories were convinced to give their life for the continuation of a way of life that was totally oppressive to their own circumstances, which is extremely radical in a way that has deep resonance for our real world, like how can you stand being together in a society that is built from abuse and discrimination, entrenched inequality, and do nothing?

and it is precisely because of this, bangtan continues to voice out their opinions as they did in previous albums, and call out the perpetrators as well as the bystanders for everyhting that has gone wrong, that could go wrong, and that is going wrong in the society, especially in the events relating to their home country south korea

let me bring you back to the music video where jimin picked up the white shoes from the winter sea

the white shoes that middle-school/high school students wear in south korea

and how he carries the shoes all through out the mv

before he brought them to a tree after they all got off the train

and hang them

these scenes imo is very much referenced to the sewol ferry tragedy that took place in april, 2014, the incident that had resulted in more than 300 deaths, including 250 second-year high school students and their teachers from danwon high school who were on a field trip that day, and is recognized as one of the most devastating maritime disaster in decades, and it’s not just because of a sinking ferry itself but because of willfull negligence and corruption.

fyi when the ferry was sinking, the captain of the ship and a number of cabin crew made announcement for the passengers to stay where they were when they themselves chose to abandon the ship while hundreds of people were still trapped inside. and being good citizens they all remained at their cabin, where they waited for further orders, which never came

the members of crew who stayed to help passengers were among those who died.

and the disaster doesn’t end there. it was found out later that the ship itself was illegally modified and was carrying almost double its legal limit with inexperienced crew and a questionable relationship between the ship operators and state regulators. 

the investigation was also conducted behind closed doors where the families are not permitted to observe the recovery operation, these allegations as well as  the way the government lacked transparency adds more to the lengthy laundry list of grievances souht koreans have against park geun hye’s administration. there were questions raised as to where she was when it happened that morning and why wasn’t the issue addressed publicly even 7 hours afterwards.

the yellow ribbons symbolize hope and solidarity with the families victims and i think it’s genius how they incorporate this knowing very well that they can be blacklisted from the government which is ridiculous at every level. 

the government was highly blamed for many lives lost that day, what with the lack of safety standards in the country, the families were also mostly left out of the investigation, there’s just so many dissatisfaction ppl have over park geunhye’s administration, and that itself is an understatement. 

and with bangtan and bighit donating 100 million won (approximately $85,000) to the sewol ferry disaster 416 family council, they are probably blacklisted already

the pile of clothing could also be a metaphor to ppl who left this world as exhibited by french artist christian boltanski’s work entitled ‘personnes’ as part of monumenta in 2010. 

i quote, “These grouped clothes may represent mass graves, or corpses arrayed for identification in the school gym, but they also constitute a kind of cemetery. For the experience is just the same: that there is nobody here and yet the place is crowded. Personnes, the piece is called: people, but at the same time no one.”

which is why even though tying shoes high on a tree branch or power lines have variation in meanings for different country and culture, there is one famous belief taht i think is what is meant here; that tying shoes high on a tree branch signifies someone has died and that the shoes belong to the dead person. that the reason they are hanging, is so when the dead person’s spirit returns, it will walk that high above the ground, that much closer to heaven

and it would’ve been fine to just reference spring day like this as a remembrance to the passing of the passengers and the beautiful children because the song DOES talk about grief and hardships in life, and that no matter what kind of darkness or (bad) seasons they can’t last forever

but then bangtan had these lines that are repeatedly voiced melancholically all throughout the chorus until the very end of the song and i just–

after we pass by the end of cold winter until spring day comes once again until the flowers blossom at that place (even when it’s cold/even when you have to waited long), for a little while, please stay please stay

it’s as if bangtan is throwing shade at the captain and his crew for being dishonorable, asking the children to stay where they were ‘until the rescue boats arrive’ when they themselves were up and about ready to get out of the ship,

it’s just.

when the boys say these last lines it’s as if, it’s as if the boys are saying to the children that they know it’s hard to wait, but just stay there. it’s okay to stay there, i’ll come to you instead, yeah? just you wait there till i come to you so we can end this suffering together