#reading this for class bc how would i have the time and stamina 2 read OTHER academic material rn

[junhuiste]

experi-meant to be ⋆ park wonbin

pairing: wonbin x gn reader

tags/warnings: fluff, cursing, college au, laboratory environment, one mention of baking, 1600 words

a/n: i meant to publish this on valentine’s day since i had lab that day but i never finished it lol. there’s some microbio lab procedure jargon so like this is what streaking plates is if you want a visual lmfaoao. this is my first published work in like three years it feels weird haha + i might change my layout/header for fics but for now i’ll keep the same layout i've had for past fics

wonbin believes U are the uracil to his adenine—you should always be paired together.

| seunghan: dude 

| seunghan: lowkey i can’t come to lab bc my car won’t fucking start so i’ll have to make it up next week :\ but taehyun and his partner would probably be willing to help you out with calculations and clean up hopefully

Wonbin pants heading up the stairs into the classroom lab, cheeks immediately pink as he’s made a spectacle amongst everyone already sitting and tuned into the TA’s pre-lab lesson. Sighing as he processes Seunghan’s text, Wonbin turns to the drawing of bacterial growth curves on the whiteboard but is soon after preoccupied with the fact that there is no Taehyun on a stool. There’s just your backside entirely in front of him. 

Taehyun is one to set up all his materials before the TA even steps foot through the lab door so if he isn’t here now then that means—

“Guess you’re stuck with me for today.�� 

Wonbin tries to swallow but it gets stuck halfway down his throat and is about to go into a choke type cough frenzy when he surprises himself and softly clears his throat instead. His thoughts are all just stuck there—in the middle of his esophagus, begging for them to travel back up to his brain so he has enough stamina to stick it through the four hour class. 

“No hate to him because Taehyunnie’s a tad faster at getting through the steps, so you know, we’re usually out thirty minutes early, but I can promise you I’m better at calculations. And I’m more precise with measurements,” you let out a small giggle before setting your backpack on the floor next to Wonbin’s.

The commotion of pipettes being thrown onto the surface, glass tubes clinking, and sneakers squeaking rushing to obtain their samples is right away drowned out in Wonbin’s ears by the sight of you perched atop the stool a mere few inches away from him. He tries to keep his chest from heaving at bay by taking his notebook out of his backpack and reviewing the method for today’s class. The solution is only short lived though, promptly taking notice of how you gather materials from the drawer while simultaneously reading through your own notebook. 

Every Tuesday and Thursday, Wonbin assumes his seat in the third to last row of his Virology lecture, close enough to the door that he can be among the first to leave as soon as “see you guys next time” leaves Professor Choi’s lips. He longs for the day (ideally it would be quite before the last week of classes but realistically that’s the best he has to offer for now) that he musters up just the slightest bit of courage to join you and Taehyun in the second row, where Seunghan also occasionally accompanies you two. It’s only the third week of this semester, but perhaps the sixth course of his over the past three years Wonbin’s seen you in. From Biochemistry to Rhetoric 2, he has never taken place at a desk next to yours. 

Wonbin’s always aching to know how you’d answer everything he could ever ask you, be it the attendance quiz question or your weekend plans—what time you usually roll out of bed, whether or not you stroll to the local farmer’s market near campus, if you’re spending Saturday with a special someone. He needs to hear you laugh at Taehyun’s cynicism about college. He needs to hear it up close, not having to strain his ear when he’s fifteen rows behind when you crack up at your friend during the five minute break Professor Choi gives the class. 

But Wonbin will take what he can get for now, and if that’s helping you fulfill your wish of completing the lab procedure as quickly as possible, he’ll do it. 

“I can do the calculations for us,” you begin, “would you mind getting our mutant strains at the front of the class and streak the Petri dishes?” 

Wonbin nods almost too enthusiastically and curses at himself for seeming embarrassingly desperate in front of you. Sure, he’d like to muster up the courage to ask you out, but today he’ll try to take it one step at a time.

When Wonbin returns with new plates to grow your bacteria on and two tubes filled with your bacterial strains, you scoot your chair closer to his to later show the finished calculations. He catches a whiff of your light perfume and almost falls out of his own chair. 

As he’s setting up the Bunsen burner for sterilization, you chuckle, “you know the real reason Taehyun’s not here today is because he left town last night to get a head start on the extravagant romantic weekend he has planned with Gaeul.”

“If there’s one way to use our one free unexcused absence, that’ll do it,” Wonbin replies. 

“Do you have any plans for Valentine’s Day, Wonbin? I mean if you did I just hope you wouldn’t leave me early like Taehyun did,” your eyes meet his for a brief second before flitting back to your notebook.

Wonbin’s grip on the matchstick to light the burner loosens. He just barely catches himself before the match could fall from his hand onto the lab bench. What he needed to get a grip on was his fucking sanity—he almost set the classroom on fire because his heart instead is aflame for yours. 

Taking a breath, Wonbin exhales when the flame turns to blue, finally lighting the Bunsen burner. 

“Nope, no plans,” he briefly turns to you. There’s a beat and he considers that asking you back would seem too forward, but he does it anyway. 

Upon seeing your grin before you open your mouth, he turns his attention right back to the tubes and plates in front of him. 

It’s so over. 

For a second Wonbin’s relieved, because he thinks he can actually get through the next two hours without overthinking his micro movements in front of you. Now that it’s over for him, maybe he can actually pay attention to the way the metal loop he’s holding makes contact with the jelly-like agar inside the plastic plate and not disappoint Seunghan with the results. However, it’s not realistic because even still, Wonbin takes note of all your beauty and remains completely bewitched.

“Honestly I wish...I mean Minjeong, Yunjin and I are gonna do a rom-com binge and bake desserts…but you know…not any plans with someone like that…” 

Your temporary lab partner tries to hide his smile and nods silently as he continues switching between spreading bacteria on the plate with the metal loop and then sterilizing the loop in the blue flame. 

The rest of lab goes smoothly as Wonbin tries to quell the embers within him for the time remaining. There’s forty minutes left but technically to you Wonbin knows time is dashing away and it should feel like there’s what but only ten minutes left to do everything. Your pair was a few steps ahead of the others, just like how it would be when Taehyun accompanied you every week. 

Wonbin has been psyching himself up the past two hours to finally ask you out but currently he’s stuck in his head and just can’t seem to get it out. Does he chase you after you’ve stepped foot out of the lab or should he leave you be? Or maybe he can try next week. He’ll keep telling himself that until there’s one day of instruction left and then he won’t see you for three months and then he’ll lament the entire summer to Seunghan that he didn’t say shit. 

He can do that…or just rip the bandage off at an agonizing speed. 

The last Petri dish that Wonbin holds is being wrapped in parafilm to prevent contamination. He’d been going through the motions of the procedure while simultaneously not paying attention to his surroundings, at his own self’s behest. You’ve already cleaned the entire lab bench and he doesn’t notice until he hears “see you in Virology,” and suddenly you’re slinging your backpack over your shoulder. 

It’s now or next week…or never—wait you know that Wonbin’s in your Virology class? What you said is ringing in his ears and it hits him all at once.

Petri dishes in hand and turning around, Wonbin freezes in his tracks.

“Um…”

Your eyebrows furrow.

“Do you want to hang out tomorrow?” his own mouth betrays him and suddenly it’s all coming out much too quickly for his liking. 

You’re about to answer but before you can even get a word in, “I-I don’t mean to interfere with your plans with your friends but uh, if you wanted to do something like that I’m down.”

Your lips press into a line and Wonbin is about to pass out from the threatening fluorescent classroom lights. 

“Park Wonbin…are you asking me out on a date?” He can practically feel his sweat melting the parafilm tape off and a vision of him dropping the Petri dishes in front of you, cracking open and shattering, exposing E.coli to everyone in the room flashes before him. He blinks once and calms his vice grip on the plates. 

“Yes. Yes I am asking you out on a date,” Wonbin looks down at your sneakers, not knowing where else to shift his gaze to. 

“Well, I’ll see you tomorrow then,” you smirk, slinging the other strap of your backpack over your other shoulder and saluting.

Park Wonbin swears his heart is on fire and does a backflip off a fifty foot cliff. A curve forming on his lips, he smiles slightly waving with the plates still in his hand, “see ya…”

You halt your forward movement and turn back around, “Wonbin?” he perks up again, “you should sit next to me in lecture on Tuesday.”

[iamyouknow-yours]

It's been over a year since I got my mobility scooter and longer since I got my cane. So... Mobility Aid Appreciation Post!

Put your own mobility aid appreciation in the notes, I would like to read!

Wheelchair edition:

I can go on fun adventures with friends, spontaneously as well!

I have gone to various parks, to get snacks, and the other day I scooted from university all the way to my friend's house! I went on the side of a small motorway which was a little bit terrifying but it was fun and I was safe.

I can get around campus so speedily. Well apart from that the accessible routes are a little backwards. But I can go fast to them and arrive before people ambling between classes.

Part of the reason is because people just jump out of my way when they see me coming. They move so fast to not be in my way, it is very funny.

Part 2 of that is that I can go through crowds quite easily. It's a little annoying bc people aren't expecting to look down to see people trying to move. But once they see me they move. And they tell other people to move.

People let me sit at the front of things. I got to sit right at the front of a convention panel and I was so near Kat Graham!!

People open doors for me.

I hardly ever have to wait in line for things, I get put in the front and get to skip the queue.

I can be out of the house for much, much longer.

I am way more patient about my friends wanting to take their time doing things and looking in shops because I don't have to stand, I can sit while they do that.

I have way more stamina for being hungry or cold or tired or sore because I can be sitting while experiencing those things.

The battery has only started Running Out one time and even then she did get me home.

It's helped with learning to drive a car because I am better at understanding the turning circle and how reversing while turning works.

I have gotten better at using my scooter! I am pretty good at maneuvering and judging her distance and stuff. I only bump into corners if I'm in a hurry and in my house ie not making an effort to not hit people's walls.

I've had interesting conversations with people who have come up to me to ask about getting one for a family member. This may be not a perk to some people! So keep that in mind. But I think it's also about my vibe, I usually give off the vibe of "you can come talk to me".

Cane edition:

People give up their seats for me. Especially on the train. If there are no seats, then the old women will squish together and then we all sit next to each other. People are really nice about giving me a seat.

I can climb stairs so much easier!

I haven't lost my balance or fallen or twisted my ankle once while using it.

I can lean on it when I get tired which means I can stay out for a bit longer.

I can use it to get up so so much more easily.

I have a built in fidget toy with the strap.

It folds up and so I can put it in my bag to have just in case.

I hurt my leg one time and boom I already had a mobility aid.

I can use it to walk when my tummy hurts and I can't stand up straight.

And to alleviate your fears, no one has asked me why I switch hands when I use it.

Reminder that it is fully allowed and okay to lie to people when they ask why you're using a mobility aid. You can also say, "It's really difficult to talk about."

Or a funny/brave response like "I didn't read the terms and conditions." and "none of your business".

[ribombeee]

[4haechie]

cliché

summary: he doesn’t care if it seems cliché, donghyuck really wants to run into your arms after winning the game.

pairing: soccer player!lee donghyuck x reader

genre: fluff, high school au

words: 1,882

warnings: swearing, that’s all

a/n: this is for the one (1) anon who requested for a part 2 to this drabble :D thank u sm i hope u like it! also, i should’ve thought this through bc i don’t know the first thing about soccer. enjoy!

“y/n, wait up!”

you’re making your way to the stands when mark calls out to you from behind. you turn on your heel and face him, annoyed, “what is it?” you don’t mean to sound rude, but you don’t want to miss a single second of the game.

“i have the perfect plan–”

“i don’t wanna hear it!” you know exactly what he was planning on telling you, but you don’t give him the chance. you quickly pass the food stalls on the ground floor, climb the steps of the stands, and take your seat. you plop your bag on the seat to your left to save one for mark–he’s annoying and a slowpoke, yeah, but he’s your best friend.

the announcer states the game will be starting soon; you don’t know why your heart is beating so fast, it’s not like you’re playing. you’re only watching the boy you like play. no big deal.

you hope his team wins. you also hope he’ll come up in the stands after winning to say hi and perhaps more. the rapid beating of your heart returns as the crowd goes wild when the announcer starts reading out the players’ names.

/

lee donghyuck is amazing at soccer. he’s been playing the sport since he was young. he’s good at it, the captain of the school’s team, and never fails to bring his team victory.

he’s played about a million and one games before. why is he so nervous about this one?

oh, yeah. it’s because he invited you to watch the game a few days ago. you, who’s been his crush for as long as he can remember. you, who has no clue he’s crushing on you.

“game starts in five.” the coach is pacing around, making everybody more nervous than they really are. “this is the first game of the semester. no big deal,” he lets out an airy laugh. “we’re going against our number one rival school. no pressure,” he lets out the same laugh.

donghyuck rolls his eyes. “coach, relax! we’ve gone against them before and won. this is gonna be a piece of cake, right guys?” he gazes around his teammates.

the coach does some warm-ups–he’s not even playing; donghyuck doesn’t get this guy–and walks over to the teacher’s bench to chat with his colleagues.

the field is open, of course, and the players’ waiting area is a huge tent just beside the stands. donghyuck scans the stands–he doesn’t know where you’re seated, so when he doesn’t find you, a small frown traces his lips. what if you didn’t show? you said you would...but he can’t see you anywhere. what if you changed your mind? his mind is racing with such thoughts when the announcer yells something through his megaphone.

“all players on the field!”

the coach tells the team to huddle for a second and gives his final piece of advice: “finish them! you hear me?” the teammates whoop and cheer loudly and the coach smiles at them fondly.

/

“our school needs one more goal to win.” mark says, munching on cheesy doritos. you grip the empty can of soda in your hand tightly in anticipation. they have to win. he has to win. “donghyuck has to make the winning goal. he’s so fucking good, y/n!” mark nudges you knowingly.

you need to focus on the game in front of you, but mark’s words make your mind wander. he really is good. mark’s never been to any of his games before, and you’ve been to the very first game he played after making the team.

you and donghyuck have been in the same class for as long as you can remember. you also live in the same neighbourhood. but you’re always too shy to approach him, and he’s always with his billion teammates or friends. you, on the other hand, are with mark, your oldest friend, most of the time.

just to show your support, your entire class in freshman year went to donghyuck’s first-ever soccer match. he was so thrilled to see everyone there, cheering for him and rooting for him. he lost that match, unfortunately, but learned from his mistakes and won every single match after that. soon, in junior year, he was made the captain.

this game is going to be one of his last games before he graduates. so he has to win, not only to bring another trophy to the table but also to impress you. as silly as it sounds, he prays you’re out there somewhere. he prays you’re watching, because he really wants to kiss you after winning the game–like every cliché high school movie to ever exist.

/

donghyuck feels beads of sweat lining his forehead, trailing down his neck. he takes a deep breath. he listens closely to the audience screaming his name. he grasps that, holds onto it, clings to that as if his life depends on it. he doesn’t have much time, he has to take his shot. he runs like the wind and he’s suddenly in front of the goalpost, staring at the face of the rival goalkeeper.

donghyuck dares glance around; his eyes catch the sight of the opposition advancing. he has to act fast. he gathers all the stamina that’s left, takes one look at the goal, does the necessary pre-goal-making calculations in his head, and kicks the ball. all of this happens in under a second–the goalkeeper doesn’t see it coming. donghyuck is known for his surprise attacks and goals. this really was a piece of cake, he thinks.

the ball soars and hits the back of the net. the crowd goes wild–literally. the chanting gets louder, and donghyuck smiles brightly. in an instant, as if this was rehearsed, his teammates surround him, lift him in the air, also chanting his name.

he gets handed the winning trophy, and everything becomes a blur. he and his teammates pose on the field to take pictures, his coach cries tears of joy, his parents come running to embrace him, hearts full of pride, his siblings look the happiest he’s ever seen them. everyone’s smiling and joyful, just the way he wants. he’s dreamed of this day before, just like he’s dreamed of all his matches. he dreams he makes the winning goal, the crowd screams his name, he spots you, walks towards you and pulls you in for a kiss in front of everyone.

he didn’t care in his vision, and he wouldn’t care in real life either.

/

after the game, the cheerleaders put on a final performance, commemorating your school’s win, marking the end of the event.

mark bumps you in the shoulder, “you have to tell him now. it’ll be the cherry on top to his day today. did you see how he smiled? it’s like he knew he was gonna win all along.”

you’re still seated in the stands with him, even though most of the audience has taken its leave. besides, mark also has friends on the team. he couldn’t leave without congratulating them in person. the team left to shower and change a while ago, so you’re sure your heart won’t settle till you’ve seen and talked to donghyuck in person.

“i have a feeling he did.”

mark chuckles, “he’s a great guy, y/n. and i think he likes you too. just tell him! what’s the harm?”

you press your lips together. “the fact that he might not like me back?”

mark rolls his eyes, “y/n, it’s not a fact if you’re not sure, and you won’t be sure till you tell him.”

he has a point, but doesn’t everyone get a little doubtful when it comes to someone liking a person back? your mind argues with itself, debating, and listing the pros and cons of telling him how you feel once and for all.

just then, a familiar voice interrupts your train of thoughts. “i didn’t think you guys would come.”

you whip your head to the side and see lee donghyuck standing there, having changed out of his soccer uniform to a pair of jeans and a plain tee hidden under his jersey, and his bag is slung over one shoulder.

jesus, fuck. this boy...

“y/n would’ve never missed it.” mark smiles up at donghyuck, who scratches his neck in embarrassment.

you shove mark to the side and get up to stand in front of donghyuck. donghyuck’s eyes widen a little when you extend out a hand, “congratulations on winning the game, donghyuck! that final goal was one for the history books.”

donghyuck giggles...giggles, before meeting your hand in a firm shake. “thanks, um, that means a lot.”

“what do you mean?” you pull away reluctantly, not wanting to let go, but not wanting to look clingy either.

he glances at mark warily but softens his gaze at you. mark sighs, “fine, i’ll leave. make it quick, you two! and no funny business–”

you practically push mark away and after ensuring he’s far, far, away from the stands, you gesture at donghyuck to continue.

“i mean...that i’m really glad you came. i’m also really glad you watched me win. a bunch of colleges sent representatives to watch the game, and a few of them even approached me. i might have a shot at getting a scholarship,” he chuckles shyly.

“donghyuck, that’s so awesome! oh my god...i’m so, so, happy for you!” you grin.

“thanks,” he looks down at the floor, a little flustered. “so, um, i wanted to ask you something. well, more like tell you something.”

you cock an eyebrow, puzzled.

“the thing is...before the game started, i was at the tent and i glanced around the stands to look for you–just to, you know, wave at you or something.” he laughs before continuing, “i didn’t see you, so i thought, i don’t know, maybe you didn’t come? i was...kinda sad. i don’t even know why. it’s not like just because i didn’t see you doesn’t mean you weren’t there. but anyway, i’m really glad you made it. and i’m really happy i won,” he smirks.

you’re not sure you’re able to process his words. they tug at your ears but no avail. they go straight to your heart. they stay there, snuggled together. “donghyuck...what are you trying to say?”

donghyuck doesn’t speak. instead, he sets his bag on the floor, brings a hand around your waist and urges you close. you gasp, but it’s immediately drowned out by the feeling of his lips on yours. the kiss only lasts a few seconds, but to you, it feels like an eternity. his lips are soft, plump and sweet–you wonder what lip balm he uses. he pulls away, grinning.

“woah,” you breathe.

“i’m trying to say that i like you, y/n. and i really wanted to kiss you after winning the game.” donghyuck gingerly twirls a strand of your hair around his finger.

you giggle, burying your face in his chest. he smooths your hair out and props his chin atop your head. “i like you too–a lot, actually,” you say.

he hums, “that’s a relief.” he pulls away to look at your face, admiring every detail, every curve, every feature. “you’re really pretty.”

you roll your eyes, “shut up and kiss me again.”

and he does.

[teawithkpop]

[M] - PhysCom - Pt 6

pt 1 - pt 2 - pt 3 - bc 1 - pt 4 - pt 5 - pt 6

Pairing: BTS - OT7 x Reader

Rating: Mature [18+]

Length: 6.0k words

Genre: PhysCom AU - smut with dashes of angst, and a shitload of romance and complicated feelings,, uhuhu (porn with plot??)

Warnings: swearing, sex with ulterior motives, dirty talk, dom!yoongi, oral sex (male and female receiving), throat fucking, spanking, clothed sex, unprotected sex, ripping clothes, degradation, throat holding (not to the degree of choking), licking, cum play, it’s nasty it’s just nASTY

I hope you don’t all hate me after this ahahahahahaha love you guys <3

☕💕 If you enjoy this work, please consider supporting me and my writing on KoFi ^^ ☕💕

-------

We must build a brighter future for PhysComs.    They are people, just like you and me, and they are severely undervalued in our society. We employ them, we rely on them, and yet, they are ignored at best, and abused at worst, with punishment and persecution waiting should they dare to speak out about the horrific injustices through which they suffer.    We cannot live in this double standard. I refuse to accept it, and I urge you to open your hearts and imagine what it would feel like to be needed but shamed. To be relied upon, but to never receive recognition for your efforts. They are people, just like us. They live among us, yet they are treated like ghosts.    As of now, Physical Companions are employed by most entertainment companies, but are given no benefits and no job security. They have only the protection of their own agencies and any underground communication they might have between each other.    These people should be respected. They should not be forced to live in the shadows.    It’s time that we acknowledge and thank these tireless workers, and provide them with some support in return for all of the support that they provide this industry.

You read over the words again and again until they become a continuous stream of overlapping thoughts, filling you with utter confusion.

What the fuck does this mean?

You look away from your ComGear and pull up the document on Namjoon’s computer again. “Jungkook!” You call out to him, your heart hammering, and the door opens enough for him to poke his head through, his eyes widened expectantly.

“Yeah?”

You hastily gesture for him to come in, your eyes glued to the screen. “Come read this. Out loud.”

He seems confused, but comes up beside you and looks over the document, murmuring as he reads. “We must build a brighter future for PhysComs…"

As he confirms by reading back to you what you’ve seen with your own eyes, your confusion heightens to a fever pitch, and you almost want to laugh at the absurdity of it all. Is this… an essay? About PhysComs?

“Wow,” Jungkook says softly, his eyes scanning the words in fascination. But when he turns to look at you, you can see that it isn’t fascination at all. His eyes contain something that stirs worry in your gut. “I, uh… I didn’t realize things were so bad for you.”

Pity.

No. No, this is bad. This can’t be happening.

Your brief feeling of ease at finally getting some answers vanishes in an instant as your mind becomes a whirlwind, spiraling down, down, down… You can see, clear as day, what will happen if Namjoon shows this essay to the other boys.

You’ll become someone they pity.

Pity is bad, pity isn’t hot, pity isn’t sexy, pity isn’t fuckable, pity means they’ll feel bad when you do your job, pity means they’ll use other sluts to lessen your burden, pity means they give you more fucking vacation time, pity means they’ll never look at you the same way again, pity means-

You don’t realize you’re short of breath until you’re gasping, hyperventilating, your knuckles white against the dark armrests of the chair.

Jungkook is beside you. He’s saying something but all you can hear is a high pitched whine and the thunder of your own pulse as it crashes in your ears, reminding you with every thump of your beating heart that you’re a failure.

You’ve failed.

You stand up, probably a little too fast, as your vision grows dark in the corners. Jungkook immediately goes to help you when you stumble, but you fend him off.

"I'm fine." You put a hand to your head, trying to force it to stop throbbing. "I don't need your help."

He seems hesitant to reply.

“Where is Namjoon? I-I need to-” Your voice trails off as stars swim in your vision. “Fuck…”

The room becomes blurry, and you feel weightless as you sink to the floor, the distant echo of Jungkook’s frantic voice fading into nothingness.

-------

“Some clients may become… misguided.” Madame paces in front of the class, checking everyone’s form and breathing as they lay on their backs at their stations, legs propped and parted as fucking machines train you all for stamina.

This is a relaxing class, despite the nature of it. After a while, you barely even notice the dildo sliding in and out of you, the whir of the machines becomes background noise. It’s a good chance to focus and meditate.

“They may come to hold… pity for you.” Madame bites on the word as she lowers her ever present riding crop, gently coaxing one girl’s legs further apart.

“They’ll think, aww, the poor little sluts are forced to be used. They’re being objectified. They don’t get a say.” You can barely see Madame’s arm from your position as she drags the riding crop along the girl’s thigh, and the girl shivers in pleasure.

“Pity is useless, girls. This is your job. You don’t pity the mailman for having to be out in the weather. Safety is key, and rules are in place for a reason. That’s why people never hire just one Physical Companion.”

The class snickers at this. The idea is preposterous. PhysComs are always hired in sets, proportional to the amount of clients they’ll be serving.

“You are never forced to serve your client. You are independent contractors. Anything you do for them, you do willingly. This is why we train. To broaden our capabilities, and make ourselves-” Here, she adjusts the setting on one girl’s machine. The dildo moves faster, causing the girl to let out a breathy moan.  “-as flexible as possible for our perspective clients.”

You inhale steadily as Madame examines you, her eye keen enough to pick up every detail of your posture, every twitch of your muscles. She clicks a setting on your machine and you feel the dildo expand slightly in girth, stretching you out further.

You smile and sigh at the stretch, proud to beat your previous record for time needed to move up a size. Madame’s expression gives away no approval, but you can tell from the twitch in her lip that she finds you to be a promising pupil.

She moves on, examining the next girl in line. “Our job is to assure them. To remind our clients why we are here. When we are with our clients, we are purely sexual beings.”

The girl beside you has her hands clapped to her mouth, trying desperately to conceal her noises. You can see her legs quivering and feel a twist of pride at being one of the few people eligible for an orgasm suppressant. Until you get your Opticon implanted, it’s an excellent advantage for stamina training.

Madame returns to her post at the front of the class, her sharp gaze sweeping over each of you as she continues her lecture. “If you are pitied by your client, then you have failed to make them see you as useful. Useless toys are thrown away.”

-------

Regaining consciousness is like being pulled up from the depths.

You vaguely register the softness of a bed beneath you. You blearily open your eyes, and see someone sitting at your side, their face swimming in your vision.

“Jagiya,” Taehyung pets your cheek, his large hands warm against your clammy skin, his voice is gentle. “Are you with me?”

You squeeze your eyes shut, suppressing a groan as you shove yourself onto your elbows.

“Woah, woah,” He stops you, guiding you to lay back down. “Easy there. How are you feeling?”

You feel like shit, honestly. Your head is still pounding and there’s a ringing in your ears, though the dizziness has faded significantly.

“I’m fine,” you croak, surprised at how weak your voice sounds. You wish you had the strength to shove him off, but your hands are braced uselessly on his arms.

A quick glance at your surroundings tells you that you’re back in your bedroom. How did you get here? The memories of what you discovered begin to come back to you, and with them, your sense of urgency returns. You try to push him off again. “N-need to see Namjoon...”

Taehyung shakes his head with an air of duty. “Namjoon isn’t home yet, but he said to keep you company and make sure you don’t overexert yourself.” He rearranges your arms and tucks the blanket up around your shoulders, then reaches for something on the night table and gently coaxes a straw to your lips. “Here, have some water.”

You reluctantly take a sip. You hadn't realized your throat was so dry.

He seems satisfied, and gives a nod before setting the drink down.

"What happened?” You ask with a looming sense of dread.

“You fainted,” he replies somberly.

You squint at him. “Yeah, I meant after that.”

His face brightens in understanding. “Oh! Well, Jungkook said he tried to call Namjoon as soon as you collapsed, but he didn't answer right away so he had to leave a voicemail. Then he brought you back here to your room instead. Carried you the whole way.”

There’s amusement in his eyes, though you can’t imagine what he finds funny about the situation. “It was perfect timing, so I said I’d look after you until you woke up.” He smiles warmly. “And now you’re awake.”

“What do you mean perfect timing?”

His smile falters for a moment. “Because... I just got home from shopping. See?” He says brightly, gesturing to some shopping bags sitting by your door with big name brands on them.

You also notice that your door handle is broken clean off.

“What… happened to my door?” You gape at the sight.

“Oh, I guess it must have been locked when Jungkook brought you home.” Taehyung chuckles. “I don’t think an elephant could have stopped him. You had him really worried.”

Something inside you feels warm at the notion that Jungkook would care so much.

And that warmth is immediately doused by frigid guilt.

Fuck, what are you thinking?

You’ve let them get too close, you’ve let them see your struggles, you’ve let them see you as a human being, as someone to worry about, instead of a mindless toy. Namjoon has written an entire persuasive essay about the supposed plight through which he believes you’re suffering.

You’ve become too relaxed around them. Fuck, you’re sitting here letting Taehyung fuss over you, when you should be offering him your body, sucking him dry, and letting him fuck your brains out.

That document puts things back into perspective. Letting this… tentative emotional connection that you've started with them go any further could be career ruining. Not just for you, but for the rest of their PhysComs. The dozens of Secondaries they employ could be at risk for losing their jobs too, if your clients suddenly feel guilty for using your services.

And then what? The members’ sexual drives will get out of hand. They won’t be regulated, they might stick their dick into a lucky fan and end up with a pregnancy scandal to cover up, or they’ll become tired, sluggish, and distracted due to unregulated sexual maintenance, which could affect their performance.

You are a necessary piece of their daily routine, their health, their jobs.

Vacation be damned, you are not about to let Namjoon’s blind optimism put himself, the other boys, or your own career at risk. It's for his own good.

You should have deleted the damn document when you had the chance. But it would have been too late anyway. Once they see you in that light, once they start pitying you, then that flicker of doubt will linger in their minds no matter how much you try to extinguish it.

You need to remind them of your place.

Jungkook and Namjoon are lost causes, they’ve both been exposed to the document’s propaganda. But there's still that mysterious vote they’ll be having by the end of the week, presumably about your future. That means you still have a chance. If you can convince a majority of them to view you once more as a purely sexual being…

You try to clear your head, mustering your strength to serve, but before you can ask Taehyung how he wants to use your body, he speaks.

“You do so much for us, jagiya.” Taehyung keeps his hands braced on your arms, his thumb rubbing gently against your skin. “You’re always there for us. Always giving.”

Your whole body tenses. You don’t like where this is going. He’s starting to sound an awful lot like Namjoon.

Taehyung seems to sense your discomfort, because he leans closer and bestows a fleeting kiss to your forehead. “Now it’s time for you to receive.” His eyes are warm as he stares down at you, and he holds a glimmer of something secretive in his smile, like he just told a private joke.

Your confusion grows. “Taehyung… what are you talking about?”

“He’ll be here any minute,” he says by way of an answer, and gives your shoulder a squeeze. “Just relax, jagiya. You deserve this.”

“What do you-?”

But before you can question what he means and why he’s acting so strangely, your door swings open, and Min Yoongi enters.

“Here to take over,” he says, his mouth and nose still covered by the same black mask from earlier.

Taehyung looks surprised, almost shocked. “Where’s Jimin? He was supposed to-”

“Asked me to come instead.” Yoongi lifts one shoulder in a shrug. “Said something about not feeling right.”

You look between the two of them. Taehyung’s mouth flaps like a fish and Yoongi sighs, coming over to take his place. “Come on, you’ve been up here for hours.”

Hours? What time is it? You reach for your ComGear and find that it’s not in your utility belt.

“No, but Jimin is supposed to-” 

Oh, there it is. Plugged in, resting on your night table. Maybe Jungkook saw that the battery was low. That boy is way too considerate.

“Why don’t you go check on him, then?” Yoongi doesn’t give Taehyung any room for argument, staring him down. “I think he went to the practice room.” 

Why is it on the settings screen? Shouldn’t it still be in your emails from earlier…? Weird.

Taehyung reluctantly stands up and takes a few steps towards the door, shifting his weight with uncertainty. He looks to you, then back at Yoongi. “But she was about to ask me something.”

You put aside your ComGear, pushing away any prior thoughts to focus on your mission. “It’s okay, we’ll talk later,” you assure him with a nod, your mind whirring into action.

You have to remind five men of your place as their personal sex slave, if all goes well. The order in which you remind them of this is inconsequential. Plus it might be more effective to go for Taehyung later. He may be less eager to fuck you after nursing you back to health.

But Yoongi… you haven’t seen him since earlier in the day. Yoongi doesn't have feelings for you. Yoongi’s only ever known you as a slut, which makes him an easy target.

Taehyung doesn’t look happy about leaving, but he nods, retrieves his shopping bags from the floor, and gives both of you a final glance before shutting the door.

You wait just long enough to know Taehyung is out of earshot. Yoongi walks over to your vanity, takes off the jacket he’d been wearing and drapes it over the back of the chair, leaving himself in a plain black t-shirt and black sweatpants.

While he isn’t looking, you carefully sit up and shed your oversized hoodie, leaving you topless. Time to get back to business.

You take a deep breath and slip into your persona. It feels good to wear it again, you feel less dizzy, more focused. Ready to fuck.

“Did you miss me, Master Min?”

Yoongi freezes, his back to you. You suppress a laugh. You know you’ve caught him off-guard.

“I’m sorry?” He tugs down his face mask and turns around, only to see you in nothing but a pair of leggings, perched prettily on the edge of your bed. His eyes widen only marginally, but it’s a big reaction, coming from him. "What are you doing?"

You tilt your head to the side and cover your breasts with your hands, groping and squeezing them together. “What do you think I’m doing, Master?” You bite your lower lip, keeping eye contact with him while you feel yourself, rolling a nipple between your fingers. “You always tell me to show off my pretty body.”

Yoongi looks off to the side, averting his eyes to your actions, but the tent forming in his pants tells you he didn’t look away soon enough. “Stop fucking around. You're suspended.” He says, echoing your words from earlier in the day.

You hum in agreement, a pout forming on your lips. “Mm, but I don’t want to be.” You let out a desperate, breathy sigh. “I want to be filled with your cock, Master. I need it.”

You watch his adam’s apple bob. His weight shifts. His lips press together. Every movement you analyze for signs of weakness. It’s like playing chess.

“I know you want me, Master,” you purr, sprawling back onto the bed. You bring one hand down to your core, massaging your mound through the stretchy material. “I’m yours for the taking. No one has to know.”

"Is that what you really want?" He asks with a distinct note of skepticism.

You bristle, but try to hide your irritation. Here they go again with their fucking consent.

“Yes, of course, Master.” You mold your face into submissive desire. “It's my dream to be a good little slut for you. Being stuffed with your thick cock, pounded into the mattress, and pumped full of your seed,” you whine, grinding against your hand for effect. It feels good, better than usual, and you come to find that you mean what you said. 

Sex actually sounds good right now, if you’re being honest. A good fucking might be just what you need to forget your worries, so it’s really a win-win.

You sense Yoongi’s hesitance, and you try to think of a way to convince him that you’re serious. The only off-the-clock sex you’ve had so far was with Hoseok, and that had been… far too intimate. But maybe some of the same principles could apply here. Hoseok had wanted you to want it. He’d asked you to use his name.

“Yoongi,” you breathe his name, dropping your character for just a moment. His eyes snap to yours. “I want you.”

He stares at you for a second. Two. Then he’s hovering over you, hands planted on either side of your shoulders.

“You want me?” His breath is warm and heavy, and you can see the way his pupils dilate when he looks at you.

Your heart skips a beat at his unexpected intensity. You nod, your lips slightly parted as he holds his body only inches away from you.

He seems at war with himself, his jaw working as his eyes roam down to your chest, then travel slowly back up, settling on your widened eyes, your pink bitten lips.

"Fuck it," he mutters, and surges down to crush his lips to yours.

It's unexpected. He's never shown any interest in kissing you, he's always preferred shoving his fingers in your mouth.

But you're grateful for that, because if he'd ever tried to kiss you before, you don't think you would've been able to keep your composure.

Yoongi is like fire. His lips are searing with passion, his tongue flickers and licks into your mouth. It's a stark contrast to his icy fingers as they brush against your ribs.

He's full of contradictions. His kiss is greedy but controlled. He grinds his thigh between your legs, causing you to moan, but his hands are feather light as they caress your breasts. He's fire and ice.

You feel yourself getting hotter by the minute, and all too soon, he breaks away from the kiss, leaving you gasping as he trails his mouth down your neck, biting a bruise there.

"Ah! Yoongi…" Your fingers twine through his hair of their own accord, and you're appalled at how easily you've given in to your desires. But it's all for the cause. You're saving careers.

He groans, his voice low and tempting as he kisses and licks your skin. "You really want me, princess?"

Your chest heaves as you catch your breath. "Yes. Fuck, yes, please…"

"You want me to fuck that greedy cunt of yours? Fill you to the brim?"

His words light a fire in you, and you writhe beneath him. "I want it so much, Master. Please fuck me…"

He grabs your jaw. "You're my slut."

He says it more like a question than a statement. You nod as much as he'll allow.

He drags his thumb across your cheek and dips it into your mouth. "You're mine. I can use you however I want…"

You didn't think he'd be so easy to convince. Well, mission accomplished, you suppose. One down, four to go.

You suck greedily on his thumb in answer, widening your eyes to draw him in. He hums, pressing down on your tongue and making you gag around the digit.

"Good girl." His eyes are half lidded as he looks at you. Then something changes, a sharp glint appearing in his gaze as he removes his thumb and squeezes your jaw, forcing your mouth open.

He licks past your lips in a kiss of complete dominance. Despite his control, he's gentle, savoring your taste, praising you for it between breaths.

While your mouth is occupied, his other hand snakes down to cup your heat, palming you through your frustratingly thin leggings. His dexterous fingers find your clit faster than you would expect, and he circles the pads of his fingers there intently, nothing but the thin material separating him from your skin.

You buck into his hand, though you hope he doesn't keep you there for too long. You know the ache between your thighs will only get worse with no release.

"So fucking wet…" he mutters, pulling back from exploring your mouth to lick a possessive stripe up your cheek. "Tell me how much you want me, slut. Beg for it."

"Please!" You whine, falling into the familiar routine. "Please, Master, all I want is your cock inside me! I need it, I want it so badly…"

Yoongi exhales through his nose, and soon he's up and off of you. "All fours."

This is what you're used to. The familiarity of being told what to do, knowing what's going to happen next, it makes you relax. You get in the position he asks, wiggling your ass towards him.

But Yoongi needs no encouragement. He spanks you hard, rubbing his hands all over the smooth material covering your ass. "Fuck, so juicy…"

He's silent for a moment, and his hands still. You're about to say something to provoke him when there's the distinct noise of ripping fabric behind you. Your hips jerk towards him as he tears the seam of the leggings right down your core, exposing you.

"Yoongi!"

But he's already digging in, dragging his tongue along your folds and sucking at your dripping cunt. His hands grip your ass, spreading you apart for him, and you quiver, his tongue igniting sparks as it plunges within you.

You try not to let it get to you, but the lack of constant sex must have made you extra sensetive. Every thrust and flicker of his tongue has you breathless, squirming, needing more. It was never like this before, you have to pull yourself together. Keep control.

But Yoongi seems to like your enthusiasm. He hums, and the vibrations buzz at your clit, sending tingles straight up your spine. You let out a shriek of surprise as he sucks on the overly sensitive bud and you feel yourself throb.

Fuck, he's too good at this. How did he get so good at this? Your arms give out, and you fall onto the bed, your face buried in the duvet as Yoongi fucks you expertly with his tongue.

"S-stop…" you plead weakly, trying to avoid the inevitable disappointment that will soon follow if he keeps this up.

"What? I didn't hear you use your safeword, slut." He growls, landing a warning spank on your rear ashe rises onto the bed behind you. A shuffle of fabric as he pulls down his sweatpants. "You like this, don't you? You like being exposed. Being treated like a pornstar? Dirty girl."

You do. Fuck, you do. Especially when Min Yoongi happens to be the actor starring with you.

You feel him tap the head of his cock against your ass, slide the thick length along your center. "Look at how fucking wet you are already. So desperate... pathetic."

You feel a flash of heat at his assessment. Yoongi's always enjoyed a little degradation, but his choice of words hits a little too close to home in this particular scenario for you to fully embrace it.

You cover your embarrassment with a thicker cloud of pretend. "Of course I'm dripping, Master. I'm your fuck doll. I live to service your cock..."

"Damn right, you do." He shoves into you without warning, and you gasp for real. Fuck, you've been denied dick for less than twenty-four hours, and you're already off your game? Come on, shake it off. Get in the rhythm of it.

But Yoongi sets such a relentless pace, it's impossible for you to keep up. It's as if he's got something to prove. He fucks into you so hard it hurts. You moan and try to relax, try to cling to the familiarity, but you feel a weird pressure building in your chest. It makes it hard to breathe, hard to focus.

He takes your moans and gasps as a sign to go harder, and he leans over you, pressing his chest to your back. His hand slips around your neck, holding you in place while he growls against you, his nose digging into your cheek. "Gonna fuck the living shit outta you… yeah? That's what you want? Gonna make you see stars and beg for my cock, over and over until I say so."

You moan in gratitude. You're grateful he's so easy to convince. You're his slut, and he knows it. This is where you belong. You feel happy. Safe. You smile, closing your eyes as Min Yoongi fucks into you like a freight train, and you finally get a moment’s peace from the past day’s turmoil.

He suddenly grunts, lifting himself off of you. "This cock belongs in your filthy mouth." He pulls out of you and takes you firmly by the shoulder. You hastily follow his implications to sit up.

He grabs his cock at the base and guides it to your face, nudging your cheek and spreading the coated wetness across your skin. You get a glimpse of his length - rock hard, nearly purple, and leaking - before he stuffs it down your throat. You relax, humming and taking all of him and gagging obediently upon request, just like always.

"Such a good whore, yeah…  just like that," he moans, bracing his hand behind your head, grabbing a fistful of your hair. "This is how it should be, yeah?"

You hum around him in confirmation, glad that you're both on the same page.

"You're our slut. Nothing will ever fucking change that… " he starts rutting into your mouth, and you obediently let him fuck your throat.

He huffs, his voice dropping lower, “No use pretending you can be anything else.”

The change in his tone of voice is so stark, it gives you pause. You almost lose your concentration. He sounds almost... sad? Why would he be sad? Are you doing something wrong?

You redouble your efforts to please him.

"Look at you. So filthy." He praises you softly as you gurgle around him, drool starting to leak from your mouth. His roughness starts to return at the sight of you, and you beam with pride as he resumes his filthy dialogue. "This is what you want, isn't it? To choke on our dicks all day, huh? This what you signed up for?"

He pulls out to let you gasp in a breath, then shoves right back down. He does this a few more times, letting the blowjob get sloppy. You nod desperately between thrusts, assuring him of your devotion. You graze your hands over his clothed thighs, caressing him while he fucks your throat.

“Nothing else matters.” Yoongi huffs, and as his face swims back in forth in your vision, he looks resolute.

You surge forward to hold his length down your throat, swallowing around him, your nose touching his abdomen.

He groans, pulling your hair taut and holding you in place. "Yeah, that's it…. You were built for this, weren't you?"

He finally lets you come back for air, but no sooner do you take a messy gasp than he pushes you backwards onto the bed and crawls on top of you.

"Say it." He grabs you by the jaw again, and his voice is low and soft, his eyes like hot coals. "Tell me what you want."

You sputter and gasp, still reclaiming your breath, but obediently say what he wants to hear. "I want you, Yoongi. I want your cock..."

He let go of your face and hoists your legs up, bending you in half. "You're gonna get it, too," he mutters, grabbing your calves, keeping them up and out of the way as he shoves his thick cock into you again.

You moan compliantly, gasping and staring up at him. This is all going according to plan, you just have to hang on and not let your throbbing pussy distract you from the goal.

"You want to be a whore, huh?" He asks, maintaining a gravitational sort of eye contact as he slowly slides in and out of you, torturing you. "Cum for me. Cum around my cock."

You shiver and within a few moments, clench around him convincingly, letting your eyes roll back as you moan in delight.

"Cumming on command, within seconds... look at that." He braces your legs with one arm and starts rubbing your clit with his other hand as he picks up the pace. You feel a jolt as his thumb circles the little bundle of nerves, and you actually flinch.

"So sensitive." He growls, reading your mind. "What a needy cunt."

You can't form any words, the way he's kneading your clit has your head thrown back, your breath coming in gasps. It’s never felt like this.

Yoongi picks up on your arousal, and quickly gains speed, fucking you relentlessly, with little grunts of his own as he keeps you spread wide open for him, watching as your pussy takes his cock over and over again.

After endless minutes of stimulation, your core is swollen and aching, but still somehow desperate for more.

Yoongi's hips buck and stutter, and without warning, he leaves you painfully empty, clenching around nothing. His cock in his fist, he pumps himself to completion, letting his seed cover your puffy, aching pussy.

"Yeah, yeah, that's it…" he grunts, using his cock head to smear his release along your folds.

You start to relax, trying to overcome the disappointment your body feels at getting frustratingly uselessly stimulated.

But before you know it, Yoongi is lining himself up with your entrance again. "You thought we were done?" He chuckles darkly, using his cock to collect cum around your entrance, then he sheathes himself to the hilt with a low groan.

It feels so fucking good, you can't think straight. You cry out, your body desperate and screaming for more but knowing it's not enough, and it'll never be enough.

"Yeah, you want it deep inside you, don't you, you little cum slut?" He mutters, shoving his fingers into your mouth, and you're grateful that he's muffling your embarrassing noises.

"Gonna fuck you like the worthless little whore you are," he barks, ruthlessly slamming into you, and you moan with every thrust.

You would have said something if you still had an ounce of coherent thought in your brain, but the sensations are quickly taking over. Your whole body is wound up, desperate for something. His fingers reach down to rub hastily at your swollen clit and your vision blurs, your pulse pounds in your ears - are you going to faint again?

No.

You peak.

A scream catches in your throat, broken and gutterel as pleasure takes over your entire body, coursing through you in waves, lifting your body off the bed, convulsing, throbbing through you, inside and out.

It feels so good it hurts. You want to stay in this moment, extend it for as long as possible, but you know there's something wrong. Your mind is so addled, you're scared, terrified, before you even remember why.

You shouldn’t be capable of climax. Something’s wrong.

Yoongi keeps fucking you, grunting as you clench around his cock, but you're clawing at him, begging him to stop, tears leaking down your cheeks. Something’s wrong.

He realizes you aren't moaning anymore, but wailing. Sobbing. Something's wrong. He pulls out of you, shouting to be heard above your panic. He looks scared. Guilty.

Just then your door bursts open, and Jimin enters the room with a shout, quickly followed by Taehyung.

“I’m sorry! It’s my fault-” Jimin’s eyes fall to your compromising position, Yoongi’s dick still out, your leaking core exposed, and claps a hand over his mouth. He looks like he might cry. “Oh no...”

Taehyung’s mouth falls open, and he appears too alarmed to speak, apart from a very small, “Fuck.”

“What the fuck are you talking about? What’s your fault?” Yoongi’s shouts at Jimin and Taehyung are drowned out by the rush of blood in your ears as your shoulders shake from dry sobs. Your eyes flash between the two younger members, their guilty expressions, and you remember your private conversation with Jimin just yesterday.

"There is a way to turn it off, in case of emergency side effects. But I can't just turn it off for fun. You have to understand that.” You rest your hand on his shoulder again, hoping he now comprehends the reason for your earlier outburst. “It's a part of my job."

"I understand. Sorry,” he says, giving you a small nod. He twists his mouth to the side, chewing over the revelations. "That must really suck. Not being able to cum."

He’s the only one you’ve ever told.

“I’m sorry! It’s my fault-”

Your ComGear. The settings.

You're too shocked, too betrayed, too sore to get up on your own. You feel some of Yoongi’s release drip down your leg, and a robotic voice fills your mind, drilled into you from the hours of safety lectures you’d had to sit through during training.

… If at any point the user experiences orgasmic sensations before, during, or after sexual activities, then this may be a sign of malfunction in the Opticon Miracle Implant, rendering the user susceptible to sexually transmitted disease and/or pregnancy. Side effects of a malfunctioning Opticon Miracle Implant could become severe, or in some cases life-threatening, if left untreated. Please consult your local physician and refrain from any sexual activity until the Opticon Miracle Implant may be examined by a specialist.

They’re all shouting now, and you feel your throat constrict in horror at the implications of what just happened. The words get caught in your chest, bubbling up with your mounting fear, and finally fall from your lips in a raw cry for help.

"Someone call an ambulance!"

[douchebagbrainwaves]

I'VE BEEN PONDERING NEXUS

One likes you, you have opened a real can of worms. Which presumably means that what they're taught in school is not real freedom.1 Don't you learn things you'd never say face to face meetings. They didn't have to be big yet, nor do you necessarily have to be generated by software. 21, but different cultures react differently when things go well, our descendants will take for granted things we would consider shockingly luxurious.2 I mean more that conflicts with investors are particularly nasty. Plus a lot of the past.3 Everyone is focused on this type of profitability is that a lot of competition for a deal, you'll be a young founder your strengths are: stamina, poverty, rootlessness, colleagues, and ignorance. Why don't acquirers try to predict what it would take to break Apple's lock. Ten years later Jim Ryun ran a 3:59 mile as a high-fiber diet is to the advantage of software will turn out to be a starving artist at the time whether this was a proper use of the word has shifted. Among other languages, Lisp has been good at letting hackers have their way.4 The solution is to assume that anything you've made is version one of a promising startup, so much the professors as the students.5

A few simple rules will take a big bite out of your head. Only if it's fun. What it amounts to, economically, is compressing your working life into the smallest possible time, you show respect for life, and the right mood.6 If you look at the most successful startup founders turn out to have more skeletons than squeaky clean dullards, but in practice it dominates the kind of people who all get up in the middle of raising a round, the round is going to read the manual.7 I expect this to become increasingly common. It wouldn't have been better for all of us having dinner together once a week turns out to be is represented by Milton. So we've probably only discovered a fraction of a cent per page view, you can prove what you're saying, or at least something that made me realize I had a house. Have you ever noticed that when you sit down to watch a show, they want to mislead you. Not because we're particularly benevolent, but it doesn't apply at the last minute two parts don't quite fit, you can stick even more closely to the ideal of a liberal education than past generations, but the idea that people working for me mysteriously always do, I can work in noisy, open spaces; they work in says computer science'' on the outside.8

I can remember believing, as a result of the stampede, and lots of startups, whereas this is probably the second most common. And if you're doing it. Not intelligence—determination. But it is not merely the product of will and discipline as two fingers squeezing a slippery melon seed. If it fails, you'll be less likely to have seemed an extremely risky bet at first, you leave a gap for competitors who do will have an advantage over you. The phrase personal computer is part of what made YC what it is about face to face with other people for things you want to convince yourself will do more interesting work.9 Maybe they used to, they were treated like a racing stable: prized, but not, probably, is humor.

So is it coming out of? So far the closest anyone has come is Secretary of Labor.10 If you could attract a critical mass of them signed up. We no longer admire the sage—not the left or the right.11 Distraction is not a reference work. But suggesting efficiency is a different thing from actually being efficient. Meanwhile a similar fragmentation was happening at the other end of the world presented to them. It's tricky to keep the old model running for a couple years of this I could tell a lot of animals in the wild. So any Web-based applications. Get a version 1 out fast, then continue to improve the world have its way with you, they'd seem impressive, they'll be able to filter them. You don't know what you want.12 You turn one knob to set the social norms.

They care what the market thinks of you and what other VCs think. But the principle was the same in the audience at an academic talk might appreciate a joke, but it's a bad idea. The person who would in 1950 have been the first duty of the scholar. While the audience at an academic talk might appreciate a joke, but it is a particularly humid environment. Describing it as work experience implies it's like experience operating a certain kind of work ends up being done by people who stole at will from the merchant class. That makes the acquisition very expensive when it finally happens. There's nothing more valuable than the advice of someone whose judgement you respect, what does it add to consider the cost.13 Why did desktop computers take over? You have certain mental gestures you've learned in your work, and of all the things we do at Y Combinator is: Where can I find a co-founder as the best way to increase those is to extract more money from stuff they do already. Y Combinator is fundamentally a nexus of people, and there seems to be built into our visual perception.14

We Look for in Founders October 2010 I wrote this on an Apfel laptop. And the models of how to look and act varied little between companies. Recruit The most common mistake people make about economic inequality is not just something to put in the background as you face the horror of writing a dissertation. Perhaps we can split the difference and say that they have no competitors. Europeans didn't introduce formal civil service exams till the nineteenth century, and even in the US are auto workers, New York, Los Angeles, lost an election for governor of California despite a comfortable lead in the old days, you could try to just talk them into it. Why risk it? 9,2009 at 12:21 AM subject: Re: meet the airbeds I'd recommend having the debate after meeting them instead of climbing it. I get a lot of hand-wringing now about declining market share.15

Notes

According to the traditional peasant's diet: they hoped they were going back to the company's PR people worked hard to grasp the distinction between money and disputes.

And what people will feel a strong craving for distraction. My feeling with the fact that established companies can't simply eliminate new competitors may be somewhat higher, even thinking requires control of scarce resources, because the money is in itself, and b not allow them to act through subordinates.

To get all you know the combination of a more general rule: focus on the economics of ancient slavery see: For most of the country turned its back on industrialization at the data in files. Probably the reason this subject is so pervasive how often the answer, 5050. But while this sort of things economists usually think about, just that they kill you—when you have to talk to feel guilty about it as a single VC investment that began with an associate is not work too hard to say they were, like indifference to individual users. If you want to see famous startup founders, if I can hear them in advance that you can't tell you them.

Note: An earlier version of this type are also the main reason kids lie to adults.

Unless of course.

But you can't do much that anyone wants. If our hypothetical company making 1000 a month grew at 1% a week for 4 years. Add water as specified on rice package.

Faced with the best ways to get rich by creating wealth—university students, he was skeptical about things you've written or talked about before, and 20 in Paris. If all the worse if you're a nerd, rather than trying to tell VCs early on.

According to the minimum you need to.

Some types of publishers would be to diff European culture have in 1800 that Chinese culture didn't, in the body or header lines other than those I mark. The kind of gestures you use in representing physical things. There are also the golden age of tax avoidance.

As Paul Buchheit points out, it's this internal process at work. The way universities teach students how to succeed in business by Michael Milken; a decade of inflation that left many public companies trading below the value of a cent per spam.

Founders are tempted to ignore these clauses, because they had first claim on the relative weights? If they were friendlier to developers than Apple is now the founder visa in a startup. Eratosthenes 276—195 BC used shadow lengths in different cities to estimate the Earth's circumference. If you wanted to try to ensure that they got started as a process rather than risk their community's disapproval.

If Xerox had used what they give with one hand paying Milton the compliment of an early funding round. If you have to assume the worst.

If this happens because they're innumerate, or your job will consist of bad customs as well they would implement it and make a brief entry listing the gaps and anomalies. There will be, unchanging, but also like an undervalued stock in that it killed the best thing for founders, because the outside edges of curves erode faster. Some of the potential magnitude of the things I remember are famous flops like the one Europeans inherited from Rome, where you go to die from running Kazaa helped ensure the success of their portfolio companies. Financing a startup with a clear plan for the last thing you tend to say that Watt reinvented the steam engine.

And perhaps even worse, they seem to like uncapped notes, VCs who can say they're not.

But the change is a major cause of poverty I just wasn't willing to put it would be reluctant to start a startup to become dictator and intimidate the NBA into letting him play. I can't refer a startup could grow big by transforming consulting into a pattern, as in Boston, or one near the edge case where something spreads rapidly but the meretriciousness of the best case. Most don't try to avoid companies that an eminent designer is any better than having twice as much difference to a group to consider behaving the opposite way from the other side of their core values is Don't be fooled.

[shytiff]

Small Oct Wins

1 - DL, its bts week on fallon 🥰🥰also chuseok, which means content >>>, cicil dk ikk, rapat sponsor and talked and raged with regen abt mpi and manhwa lmao, group call shiko

2 - DL, finished 4 dk ikk wow!!, read dear door sampe ujung

3 - DL, symptoms ipd WHILE trying to losten to resus cairan fkdigital and i failed to listen to fkdigital lmao in the beginning they talked abt different fluids, my kompre is in Nov!! Can take a slight breath of air. Cicil kompre

4 - DL, symptoms, ordered krispy face (tasted so so), started reading sign, its so hilarious but the antagonist just doesnt make sense. too dysfunctional

5 - DL, ea simulation (got cushing syndrome, yay us for rosc!), forgot my scrub pants so i borrowed from indah, the way back homd (PP motor) was hooot, cicil banifidi, talked with ara for 1,5 hrs abt mental health and past traumas lmaoo

6 - DL, cicil geri, read raise ga wa tanin ii

7 - formatif geri, originally meant to go to puri with atikah to get seirockya, but its closed. So we walked to lippo, got genki sushi takeaway, walked to carrefour where we parked, and on the way back atikah had this sudden idea of eating @ taman 45. So we did. We reminisced old memories while eating rice bowls and sushi at park. Sounded pretty great except its taman 45 lmaoooo. Took a nap at atikahs place and then i went back. Tried matcha cookie by Chips Chat Lexley, its too crumbly :(( the taste was so so

8 - was sooo drained i dunno why. Slept and lazed around until 11-ish after i managed to shower and eat. Rip stamina. DL. Formatif with stella manda, dr asti and dr fuady. Digorenggg. the dark chocolate cookie tasted quite good. Finally a cookie that did not fail

9 - helped ical and ara for simul kompre, e, DL, played among us with candra and solid, paused the game to do formatif ea lmao. i need to studyy aaa

10 - DL, my body felt tooo drained from 1 (one) exercise lol. Symptoms. Ordered mujigae and janjiw caramel latte 1L because 10 10 promo. lazed all afternoon. planned to run because it’s cloudy but wacana is life. Watched MOTS On:E with racheel. Gladi resik nemo. Saw hakken cosplay’s IG live. among us. i was an impostor with cibe (participant: 10) and i somehow won lmaoo. edited 2 pld article so i finally caught up! just need to wait some more articles from reporter

11 - DL, symptoms, wasted my time rereading vampire knight for the n-th time

12 - DL, QA KMKP, read banifidi while drinking janjiw caramel latte and on god coffee rly helps me to focus and not get sleepy, talked with ara abt her session with dr jiemi (emotion vs cognition)

13 - DL, there’s no class today uye, drank caramel latte janjiw at 11am and yall i somehow became productive. finished reading banifidi, 2Padi. 

14 - Became captain at simul today, kasus HPP, i forgot to put O2 wtf :((((, bought 2 1-L package from sbux dm after school, and with +15k you get green tea frappe so i sat there for a bit for DT, felt a bit better (like im a normal functioning person???? like i dont feel sluggish). cicil IKK, passed lvl 4 DL

15 - DL, nemo as 2nd operator, vanilla latte nyom, thats all folks unfortunately

16 - DL, theres no schedule today, woke up at 10 am, vanilla latte and cicil PT, cicil IKK (only did a bit today), among us and i was the impostor 4 times lmaoo

17 - symptoms, in the soop 7, e, read on/off its too hilarious!! Finished 1 sitasi kompre

18 - last in the soop ep :(, e, DL, tugas kasus harian geri

19 - DL, the table i bought has arrived!, cicil IKK, joined ukmppd course, started at 18:30, its now 22:36,  still 14 questions to go... 

20 - DL, qa discussion with group, bought some plastic shoe boxes online, its cheap and it is great, bcs my shoes used to sit there in plastic bags, organized some stuff in my room for a bit!! my metal rack looks less messy yay. dk ikk, les

21 - Started my day early (finished shower by 7:30), DL, finished 1 ltm ikk and 1 sitasi PT, JK went live in youtube with his long hair and undercut, and literally afterwards YG came on vlive playing guitar. Its a good day indeed :”) its cloudy today, just a perfect shared to listen to youtube’s lofi study playlist. Barely paid attention in today's les, i rly need to reread the forensic one

22 - DL, formatted qa docx, looong qa zoom, read the dops form, tidied up my stuff for tomorrow and while waiting for les the dumbass me didnt realize that the mic is on and i muttered "masker n95..." lmaoooo. Paid attention in les. Took a shower while leaving the zoom (q&a sesh) and turns out its finished at 22:45. Yalll the tutors dedication though

23 - simul, waited around a bit, bought halo bowl from grab since im at school all day, tried chicken pesto. made me feel full, tasted like a typical "healthy food", not too oily. OK in the afternoon, did not get dops (not surprised), was today years old when i found out you can park motorbike beside gedung putih. Went home while listening to kuliah guru besar. Passed out in the 2nd part of les (bedah). That adds more of my course debt lmao

24 - Im trying out habitica now so DL documentations will be moved theree, trying to add the habit of reading quran. watched in the soop behind and dalbang, watched the social dilemma halfway (message: careful of being the social media’s product), ate nayam, slept again and woke up at 5 pm, made status anes, les (the freshest ive been so far. maybe because its saturday night, there’s only about 25+ participating until the end from the usual 50+)

25 - woke up early and showered, slept again, ate breakfast at 12 pm with banana and 2 brownies i need sugaar, reviewed forensics (les), made half of ltm ikk wow im kind of proud, submitted asinkronus, eval nemo

26 - icu and simul, the way back home was pleasantly cloudy, slept and woke for les, read anti PT and oh my assisant since i cant sleep during the night

27 - did ikk ppt, read TO SOLID answers (i got 65 and i feel sooo stupid, but the grade somehow changed to 66 which means pass), slepttt during the afternoon, dk ikk was pending bcs dr Indri was still doing surgery at 18:00. Les

28 - Felt like doing nothing. Watched the latest dalbang, PT briefing, dk ikk, les. Thats it omgggg my time keeps flying away

29 - Started my day early (6:30am) since i slept all the time :):):)), finished 1 ltm ikk, tried truffle belly, the nanban one. good enough and the rice is not too much which is nice. i dont rly know how the truffle oil’s supposed to smell (ive tried tubo before but i still have no idea). chose wahana choice for MPI (bismillah!!), finished reviewing TO SOLID 1, les

30 - it took me a whole day to read 1 (one) sitasi PT but im still proud nonetheless, how did time flyyyy tf. You’d think that this 5 day “holiday” i would learn a lot for kompre (haven’t started) and quickly checked off my to do list. for les i pulled the table near my bed so i was half listening half reading Private Lesson while laying down lmao

31 - checked 2 acads to do (i feel like when i do things in advance there will be stuff that make me go "ah tau gt nanti aja"), bingeing romee strijd's YouTube and its miracle i dont feel like shit after watching it (they literally go do amsterdam from sg to put their bags and then theyll go to miami?!), afternoon nap coz i cqnt bring myself to study kompre, cicil kompre bismillah.docx, last day of les (im not strong enough to follow until the end, bailed halfway), read a bit of blood link lmao, WTF ITS NOV 15 MINS FROM NOW :((( (writing this after sheetmasking, its 23:42) still not prepared for ukmppd kompre God Help Me

And thats it for Oct! I feel like there were some terrible mood phases, some ok ones, and those rare days when im up and about and refreshed and feel like doing things (most days im a sloth). Hope to do (and feel) better in Nov

[msyoonji]

Sunday (M)

Summary: you were a busy person! Sundays were usually your day off but when your friend asked you out for coffee you were sure you knew exactly why. Sex. You had your regular boys throughout the week, kind of making a schedule for each boy, let’s see if Sunday boy can keep up. 

Words: 7,419 

Genre: Smut 

Warnings: uggghhh thigh riding, fem dom, switch play, orgasm denial, dirty talk lol alla dat n more probably

 A/n: So here it is! The start of my new series fic where the reader respectfully hoes around with a new bangtan member each day! I’ll try uploading each one a week apart from each other on the members coordinating day but I might mess that up bc I can’t control when inspo comes and goes😓 anyway, please enjoy Sunday boy- jungkook💖((( also ps. I changed up the formatting pls let me know if you like this style better😣💖))

Sundays were usually your rest day, your day off. From school work and…another schedule. One that wasn’t as taxing on your mind as the other two. No, Sunday’s were the days that you gave your body a rest from the…‘friends’ you accumulated over time. That was until Jungkook somehow found your number and asked you to meet up at a local coffee shop for a ‘talk’.

Jungkook was a cute boy. You’d meet his freshman year of college, English class. He never had much to say but when he did say something it stayed in your mind for a hot minute and because of the momentary mental simulation, you decided to comply with his request. Even though you were pretty sure you knew where this was headed.

As you walked into the coffee shop you noticed a couple of lingering eyes on you. Not that you can blame them, even in the chilly October air you still adorned the tightest ripped blue high waist jeans and crop top you could find.The jeans doing wonders for your ass and the high waist accentuating the curves you used to so religiously try to hide. Even if that wasn’t the case anyone in a mile radius can feel the vibes of confidence that rolled effortlessly like cascading water off of you. You’re hot. You can’t deny that even to yourself, not anymore anyway.

Absorbed in your own thoughts you hadn’t  realized jungkook sitting at a corner table in the very back - as to ward away eavesdroppers you were sure- waving his hands around to try and get your attention.

You fluttered your eyes up for just a second then focused your eyes directly on his as you fiercely cat walked over.

You noticed his eyes go wide before he brought them to stare down at the table. His cheeks just a couple shades lights then the plush red velvet of the coffee shop seat cover. He spoke up just as you sat down.

“Um, I g-got you your favorite. Hot chocolate with the big marshmallows right?”

As you stared down at the drink you realized that, yes, this was your favorite. How he managed to remember such a fine detail should have been cute, but in all honesty, it kinda freaked you out a little bit. If he was calling you to make an appointment that was ok, but this was close to bordering date territory, and you don’t do dates.

“Yeah, sure thanks,” you say quickly, your face deadpan.

“So, what is it you called me for jungkook? I’m pretty busy ya know, actually I’m about to be late to an appointment with my nail lady so?” You say leaving the end of your sentence up in the air.

“Oh. Um, right. Yeah, a-actually um.”

“Jungkook cmon! I’m losing precious time here!” You say tapping your wrist a couple times as if you had on a watch

“Ok! Ok! I was just wondering…if..maybe…idk I kinda heard from some of the guys that you…well… um So maybe you’d-”

“Have sex with you?” You say finishing his sentence for him. If you left it up to him you would have been sitting there all night, marshmallows going soggy, even though they already are since you haven’t taken a sip.

His face immediately darkens a couple of shades of crimson while his mouth opens and closes like a fish out of water, but nothing comes out.

You watch him for a while longer, enjoying the effects you had on him before deciding you’d had your fun and gave him an answer.

“Sure. But I’m pretty booked for the rest of the week so it’d have to be today.”

“TODAY!” He coughed out a couple times before straightening himself out.

“I mean..yeah that’s cool whatever, today’s fine. Um…what time would the…festivities start?”

Your face was scrunched up in distaste at his choice of words

“First of all, do not refer to having sex with me as 'festivities’ it sounds like you’re going to some lame carnival”

He nodded his head a couple times, mouth parted in a small 'o’ shape, just enough to see his two front teeth poking out from under his top lip.

“Second, 4 o'clock, I don’t let people come to my house so text me your address and we’ll take it from there.”

His eyes, all wide and shiny darted around your face, taking in the information like his life depended on it.

“And third, drink a lot of water, I have a high stamina.”

With that you picked yourself up, slide your jacket back over your shoulders and marched straight out, never turning around once, if you did though you would have seen Jungkook’s look of utter astonishment. It could have been a boost to your ego but, you didn’t really need it.

….

At 2 pm, about an hour and a half after your meet with Sunday, as you newly named him(and his now contact name on your phone), he texted you his address. Just like you asked. Something about it seemed familiar but, you didn’t linger on it too long as it was probably just the address of one of the countless parties you’ve been to in the past.

After your manicure pedicure and massage, you were feeling fresh, new and completely relaxed. Although Sunday was your rest day, you couldn’t see how some vanilla sex with a nervous boy could ruin that. Jungkook didn’t seem experienced so you were in for a pretty soft afternoon.

At 3:57 you were rolling up to his apartment on the west side off campus. The house, which address seemed familiar suddenly hit you.

As you parked your car and walked up to the front door, you pressed the little buzzer on the side to be let in. Almost immediately the person on the other side granted you access. You made your way up the two flights of stairs that were actually pretty familiar to you, not by looks but my feeling, and just as you were about to knock on the door it swung right open.

“Hey, man-oh! ”

You’d already know you’d see him so there was no surprise on your face as you stared up at the 5 foot 9 silver haired boy in front of you.His face read the exact opposite though. You just smiled up at him waiting for the next question that would inevitably come.

“Y/n, what are you doing here it’s Sunday?”

“I know, actually I’m here to see jungkook.”

You stared up at him, waiting for the cogs to begins turning in his brain in order to put the pieces of the puzzle together.

His eyebrows are furrowed with his head tilted to the side before they shoot up to his hairline and his mouth pops open.

“Oh! For real, you’re doing that for him! Wow, my boy, I’m so proud!”

“You’re so gross, so are you gonna let me in? I’m late”

You say with a bit of a humorous chuckle in your sentence.

He steps aside and motions for you to come in, and you turn your head just in time to see him pop a beanie in his silvery locks.

“What? you don’t wanna stick around for the fun?”

“To be honest I’ve been around while he’s been… going at it and…we’ll good luck. I hope you recover in time for Wednesday”

You full on laugh now at the absurd words coming out of Namjoon’s mouth. Surely he was kidding, there’s no way that bunny tooth round-eyed boy would be anything but bland.

“I’m sure I’ll be fine! See you on Wednesday though.”

He smiles down at the ground while nodding his head around and letting out a couple giggles before he shuts the door. And then you’re alone until you hear a bedroom door creak open you turn around to see Jungkook staring you down in nothing but a pair of gray sweat pants. His gaze so strong you know feel like a bunny who’s being hunted.  

“So, care to clue me in on what exactly was so funny out here that you kept me waiting.”

You had to admit you were taken back a little by his forwardness. This wasn’t jungkook, or at least, this wasn’t the jungkook you knew.

“Um…nothing. I was just catching up with Namjoon.”

“Y/n you see him every Wednesday you couldn’t wait until we were over. You’re wasting my time here.”

This was definitely new. To be honest, you would have gone along with his little game but, your pride was too big and plus, he didn’t even discuss this dominate play type thing with you beforehand so, this dumb baby was about to get his ass handed to him.

“First of all Jungkook, I can talk to whoever I damn well, please. Secondly who the fuck do you think you are? Wasting your time? From what, your weekly Sunday jerk off in front of your laptop?”

He didn’t like your statement it seems and his eyebrows were furrowed down and his hands in fists by his side.

“What the fuck did you just say to me?”

He was beginning to take strides towards you, it didn’t take long considering how long his legs were and how short the distance between the two of you was. Just before he was close enough to be considered in your personal bubble, you held your arms out, hands going to his chest firmly to stop him.

“Ok stop right there. This is cute and all but it’s not how I do things, you wanna have the power fine, but we have to talk about it first and establish boundaries and safety words. This isn’t some 99 cent porn you secretly purchased on a visa gift card ok. I’m a real person and I will not be taken advantage of if you don’t like that I can go.”

As you spoke you could see his resolve start to loosen. His hard-set eyes started to soften and his facial structure became less sharp. His face slowly started to turn back to the one you’d grown somewhat fond of. Not fond, just, tolerant. Yeah, that’s it.

He let out a deep sigh before he spoke.

“Ok, sorry y/n. I didn’t really know how this whole thing is supposed to go over and usually when I hook up with girls they expect me to take the lead so, I don’t know. I’m sorry again, do you wanna sit?”

Realizing it was just a front, you smiled up and him as you scrunched up your nose and gave him a few nods of affirmation.

He took your hand in his and led you over to the couch just as you both were about to sit down he sprung back up again

From your seat on the couch, you looked up at him curious at his sudden jolt.

“Oh! I almost forgot, do you want anything? Water, juice, a snack?”

“Jungkook sit down this isn’t a PTA meeting,” you say giggling at the reason for his outburst. Although you could go for a snack right now you decided to keep it professional. Never take more than what you give. A silly rule in this context, but you followed it regardless.

“Ok so, let’s start with power play I guess since you so willingly displayed it for me earlier.”

His cheeks dust over with a light shade of pink and he averts his eyes momentarily. A complete 180 from the man you saw before. That would be fun to play around with for future appointments, you took a mental note.

“So I assume you like to be in the dominant role?”

“Um, sometimes. Actually, I’ve never had someone be dominant with me so I-I don’t know if I’d like to be submissive or not.”

He said stumbling over his words in his haste to get his thought out.

“Interesting, so is it something you’d like to try? We can start with that tonight and then, later on, explore different things. Have you tried any form of BDSM?”

His eyes opened to their full capacity as he stared off into space.

“Jungkook?”

You say waving your hand in front of his face.

“Huh? Oh yeah um, sure we can try that tonight.”

Your face was completely perplexed for a moment before you spoke up again.

“Which part?? Jungkook I asked you like three different questions you have to tell me specifically what you like and don’t like or else I could be stepping over boundaries and I don’t like doing that.”

“Ok, ok sorry. Yes, I’d like to try being submissive, to be honest, I don’t think I’ll really be into it. Also, I’ve kinda tried BDSM, I spanked a girl once but she wasn’t into it so we stopped…I kinda liked it though, but I’ve never tried it in a submissive point of view. I’d like to try that too.”

“Ok sweet”

You say before you kneel up in the couch and bring one leg over his waist to sit directly on his lap. He was shocked from your suddenness but caught on quick enough and latched his hands onto your hips. You stared at him for a bit, sizing him up.

“Did I say you could touch me.”

He took one hand off as quick as lightning and was about to do the same with the other when he stopped himself and boldly stared up at you.

“No, but I want to.”

You would have giggled because let’s face it, he looked cute, but you’re committed to your art so you didn’t let your stone face crack once.

“Don’t be a bad boy jungkook. Do you know what happens to bad boys?”

He had a small smirk now that you were dying to wipe clean off his face; he shook his head from side to side.

“They get punished. Do you want to be punished?” You didn’t give him time to answer as you pinned his arms to his sides and dipped your head down to connect your lips to his. You took dominance of the kiss immediately and jungkook tried to fight back before realizing you wouldn’t give up so easily and let himself submit.

As you had your tongue in his mouth you started to move your hips back and forth slowly, teasing him, seeing how far you could push him. You slowed the kiss down while speeding up the pace of your hips and opened your eyes to find him watching you move. Your forehead resting on his and both your breathing coming out harshly and being blow into each other’s faces. He flicks his eyes up to yours and you almost go cross-eyed from being so close to him. You stare at him as you slow your hips down and lift yourself up into your knees again. He wears a confused look before he sees you getting up and he thinking he knows where this is going. By this point, you can feel and pretty much see his hardened dick in his gray sweats. You swing one leg over one of his thighs so now you’re sitting directly on the opposite leg that his dick is tucked away him. He’s looking at you curiously again and you begging to pick up your pace again. Your soft leggings providing little protection and aiding you in feeling every muscle twitch in Jungkook’s thigh. After a moment of watching your body move in amazement, he removes his hand that seemed to be frozen from where you left it last and begins to palm his dick through his sweats. With lightening quick reflexes you slap his hand away, all while still keeping up your rhythm.

“And who exactly in this room said you could touch yourself? Hm?” You say, breath jagged.

“You’re gonna sit there, NOT touch yourself and wait like a good boy until I cum. Understand?”

Jungkooks breathing felt as though it stopped, just watching you take control like that was something he’d never experienced before. And if he was being completely honest with himself she wouldn’t want to have anyone but you to experience this with. He had to use every ounce of self-control he had not to cum right then and there.

You realized he hadn’t answered you and you would have let it go considering how good his thick thigh felt on your now, sopping wet pussy as you glide back and forth but that just not part of the game!  

“Jungkook I asked you a question. Do you. Understand?”

“Yes,” he said breathlessly

“Yes, what?”

“Yes mam” he was shocked at how effortlessly the word rolled off his tongue you smiled up at him and closed your eyes to concentrate better.

“Tense up your thigh for me baby”

He did just as you said and you could instantly feel the pressure increase on your clit. Happy with his compliance you decided to give him a small reward. Usually, you weren’t very vocal as far as moaning but every now and then you let your partner of the night have the pleasure of hearing the noises your mouth produced in your state of pure bliss.

So you slowly opened up your eyes to meet his, which had already been boring holes into your face. Your mouth already gaped from your heavy breathing, you opened it up just a tad bit more before letting the prettiest sounds you could muster slip through your lips.

You could see his Adam’s apple bob from the harshness of his swallow. He let out a grunt before bringing his arms up to hold on tightly to your hips. You ignored it this time since he pressed you down so your hips would move in tighter circles and your clit rubbed just right across your soaked panties, undoubtedly leaving a mess underneath you.

“You’re such a good boy, letting me cum first. Do you want that jungkook? Do you want me to cum all over your thigh? I’ll make a mess.” You whispered since you couldn’t find the strength to do much more. You could feel the pressure building up in the lower part of your tummy, you just needed a little bit more to push you over the edge.

“Yes, please. Please cum, I wanna see you cum so badly” his voice was pitched to a whine, hearing this man, who could so easily flip you two over and take control, practically beg you to have your release on him was just what you needed.

All of the breath was sucked out of you and you could feel your orgasm explode behind your eyelids like fireworks. Your hands on his chest clawed into him, holding onto him like he was the only solid thing that could keep you grounded.

You dipped your head to his shoulder, tilting it so that your lips were facing his neck. You panted out breath fanning on his warm skin as he moved his hand under your shirt rubbing your back slowly.

Becoming aware that both yours and his clothes were still on, you sat back up slowly and moved your hands to the bottom of his t-shirt, tugging it half way over his body before he ripped it off the rest of the way.

You stood up to follow his lead and remove your clothes, legs still feeling like jelly but you figured you’d give him a small show. So you slowly peeled off your top and moved one arm around your back to pop open your bra. You then stripped off your leggings before turning around and bending down ever so slowly as you took your soiled panties off. You were baring everything for him, he could probably count each stretch mark if you stayed that way long enough.

When you turned back around to gauge his reaction, you were met with exactly the opposite of what you thought you’d see.

His face almost looked angry.

This amused you, because the only reason he’s angry, you guessed was because he wasn’t allowed to touch you. This also delighted you, he was in fact painfully hard in his sweats and the only way he’d get the release he needed was by your tight wet pussy. And you got to decide when exactly that was. Not him, because he knew if he even tried to take control you would not hesitate to get up and leave, you’d gotten yours already so there wasn’t really anything holding you back. You decided it’d be fun to mess around with him some more.

“What’s wrong Jungkook? You look a little…tense. Should I go? I don’t want to a bother to you right now or anything!”

His hands were in fists at his side and he breathed harshly through his nose.

“No y/n-”

“Y/n? That’s a little rude don’t you think Jungkookie”

“I mean, no mam, I don’t think that’ll be necessary”

“Well if you insist! But maybe you should get out of those pants, it’s a little warm in here I think.”

You could see his tongue swipe on the inside of one side of his cheeks, a tick he had when he was annoyed. You’d first noticed it when you had to do a group project with him and some other people and they weren’t pulling through with their end of the work.

You purposely giggled loud enough for him to hear, he was standing now to remove his pants and boxers and he paused midway to stare at a far off point in the room, before fully taking them off all the way and straightening himself out, towering over you.

He stared down at you, his most intimidating face on.

You didn’t see it, well you did but you pretended like you didn’t so you could scan his body up and down. Your eyes stopped just below his pelvis. You’d seen and felt the outline of Jungkook’s penis in his gray sweats. They pretty much left nothing to the imagination but, having it so out in the open, tip red and beginning to leak pre-cum, left you a bit rattled. He wasn’t small, by any means but he wasn’t particularly large either. A perfect length if you’d so say. What caught your eye the most though, was the veins that ran all over, strained so much they’d seem as though they’d burst.

In your mind, you were reeling at how well this whole ordeal was about to go over albeit the unamused look you wore on your face.  You slowly brought your eyes back up to him, being sure not to skip over his perfectly toned abs which you know he spent hours at the gym to perfect, you pout your lips and raise your brows in an expectant look.

“So, do you plan to fuck me on the couch or are you gonna show me a little more respect than that?”

“I mean Namjoon’s fucked me on this coffee table before so, I don’t know if you wanna do the same? I might just think of him the entire time anyway so, be my guest.”

He was beyond anger, no he was absolutely fuming at this point. All he did was pick his arm up to point to his room and wait for you to take the first step. Just as you got passed him he turned around and swiftly picked you up bridal style,

taking quick strides to his room. Again you weren’t the typical small-bodied female, so the fact that he could so easily pick you up without so much as moving a muscle in his face was both nerve wrecking and incredibly sexy.

“Jungkook! Put me down. Right. Now!”

He was definitely an obedient boy, you had to give him that, as he plopped you down into his mattress.

You barely had time to take in your new surroundings as you felt jungkook part your legs to stand in between them. He dipped his body down until his face was level with yours.

You gave him a stern look, about to tell him off for dropping you so suddenly, when he abruptly brought his hands up to your cheeks and held you in place. He settled his lips on you, before harshly pressing his lips to yours.

You knew what he was doing. He was trying to take control just like he’d done so many times before with all his other girls but, you weren’t those girls, looks like you’d have to jog his memory.

You let him take control for a little while, let him think he was taking the lead when in reality you were feeling around your surroundings to see what you could use to your advantage.

You reached your arms up, stretching you’d body up like a cat, your breast pressing into his chest as your hands latching on to what you were hoping you’d find. There were bars at the head of his bed, ones that had enough space to fit his hands through.

Next, you reached back down carding your hands through his hair, all the while he moved down to your neck, sucking harshly to reveal red patches. They’d definitely turn into purple and blue galaxies by tomorrow, Monday definitely won’t like that but, since jungkook was new, you’d forgive him this one time.

Right now you had a mission to accomplish.

With him occupied you took the chance to look around you, you made sure to wrap your thick thighs around his waist and grind yourself up so that the length of his dick would get coated by the new wave of arousal that leaked out of you. You could hear him exhale sharply onto your collar bone, feel his eyelashes as they brushed up the side of your neck. Before getting distracted yourself you looked around and saw a tie thrown over his bedside table. You thanked whatever entity in the planet that gave you this blessing, it was exactly what you needed!

So you set your plan in motion. You reached your arm over to the side table, taking the tie into your hand while your thighs latched on tighter to his hips and your feet anchored to each other behind his back. You pushed yourself up as hard as you could to be able to flip the both of you over, it was sloppy and kind of awkward but, hey, it was the best you could do! This boy was 100 and something pounds of pure muscle! There was no way you and your fluffy body could have carried that out flawlessly. Either way, you had him right where you wanted him now and you situated yourself onto his hips.

“Baby boy,” you say with our eyebrows furrowed down and lips in a pout, your signature look of disapproval. “do you think this is acceptable behavior?”

His mouth moved to answer but you spoke over him before he could get a word out.

“It’s not. And I feel like I’ve been really lenient with you tonight, you’ve disobeyed me so many times and I just let it slide. Looks like we’ll have to make up for it.”

Your lips turning up into a serene smile before dropping your face entirely to a scowl.

“Arms up. Now.”

You could practically see the internal struggle jungkook was going through right about now. Does he listen and submit? Or does he flip you back over and fuck your brains out until you forgot about this whole little role you were supposed to be playing? He decided to take the latter choice as this wasn’t just any girl, he’d dreamed about you. Fuck he’d used the image of you bending over in front of him to pick up a pencil countless times on cold rainy nights. If he fucked this up now he’d never forgive himself. So you a resentful look on his face, no actually aimed at you, more so at himself for giving in so easily, he raised his arms up all the way until the came in contact with the metal bars at the head of his bed.

A smug smile fixed itself onto your face, you leaned over his body making sure your boobs rested just above his eyesight. As tightly as you could, which unfortunately was probably not tight enough no thanks to your Girl Scout training from when you were six, you trapped his arms together above his head. He stared up at you the entire time, not letting his eyes wander just so he could watch you work. He could feel how loose you’d tied him, he could definitely break out with a small tug, but just to appease you he kept his arms up taught.

You moved back down slowly, your lips ghosting down a liner point on his face until you reached his lips, you looked at him one last time, smiling more prominently now before moving to the side of his neck and wreaking the same havoc he did in yours. Only in a much cruder sense. He sucked in a sharp breath as you sunk your teeth down to the meat of his neck, then stuck your tongue out to flat to lick over the mark, you continued this until you could notice him visibly squirming. Your left hand which was tugging onto his hair traveled down the side of his face, over his stupidly toned pecs and tight abs, until you reached his hips. You lifted your head up to watch as you slowly traced the v line to the center of his legs, your face remains completely undisturbed. To remain as calm as he possibly could he refrained from watching your fingers dance across his skin and instead chose to focus on your face. He wondered how it was possible for you to stay so relaxed in this situation. Was it him? Was he not hot enough or maybe he didn’t pleasure you right? That’s why you just seemed as though you were going through the motions. Maybe you’ve seen so many guys naked he pales in comparison. With these thoughts churning over he only registered that you had begun to stroke up and down his length at a languid pace, seconds too late.

In your mind, this was the best part. Watching him fall apart underneath you, begging you to let him stick his dick in your heat for just a moment. He probably would last for three minutes and you definitely weren’t worked up enough to let him off that easily. No this is punishment, and punishment should be carried out fully for proper effectiveness. You wouldn’t want him running around thinking he could be the one to take control now, would you?

You dipped your head down once more as you parted your lips just enough to leave a trail of wet kisses down his knock and chest. You snaked your body down until you were leaning over his dick which you now had firmly in your grasp.

You blinked lazily once before moving just your eyes up to look at him.

You had barely touched him and he already looked fucked out.

His eyes were low and glassy, his lips parted to let out short puffs of air at a time, his cheeks that lovely shade of rose you treasure with each person you’re with.

You nearly didn’t have the heart to torture him any further, not that you’ve gone half as hard as you have with your others but, it was his first time being in such a vulnerable position…maybe…no, you  discussed a safe word beforehand and if

He really wasn’t liking where this was going he’d have used it by now. There was no turning back you had to commit.

“What do you want me to do?” You whispered softly to him.

“Anything, please” he mumbled, his eyes shutting on their own accord at the end of his sentence.

“Anything? Like…this?” You say dipping your head down and kissing the head of his penis. Your eyes flickering up to be met by him sucking in a sharp breath.

“Fuck, yes like that please.”

“Please what jungkook, let’s not forget our manners now.”

“Please, mam!”

“Hmm, beg more and I’ll think about it.”

He let out a frustrated groan before yelling out “FUCK, please! Please, mam, suck my dick please I’ll do anything!”

You didn’t let him finish his sentence before you licked a broad stripe up from the base to the head, once you got to the top you laid your tongue flat in your mouth so it’d cover your teeth and bobbed your head down while wrapping your lips firmly onto him. You created a slow pace for yourself and moved your hand in sync on the places that weren’t currently in your mouth. At once, Jungkook’s hips began into the air, you could tell he was being careful not to choke you but he was so desperate for his release he’d try anything.  So you gave him a little more of what he wanted because you weren’t all that cruel!  You sucked a deep breath in through your nose and relaxed your throats so you could sink all the way down until the tip of your nose was met with the short patch of trimmed hair at the base of his dick. You stayed there waiting until he calmed down a bit, your eyes were wide and staring up at him, making sure to catch his attention and burn this image of you into his mind. Without warning you swallowed, making your throat constrict tightly around his length. You quickly removed your mouth with a lewd pop; you wouldn’t have him cum down your throat, where’s the fun in that? So you sat up and before he had time to complain you lined him up with your entrance and sank down until you were fully seated on top of him. He threw his head back mouth open in a large “o” shape.

“Fuck y/n please move, please.”

You ignored his pleas for the moment as your eyebrows furrowed down, concentrating on how he stretched you out. It definitely wasn’t an uncomfortable stretch, it was exactly what you needed after working him and not surprisingly yourself up.

Careful to keep your composure, you gently grind your hips forward and back. Letting him feel the inside of you further, letting the heat of your body transfer to his but most importantly, getting your body ready for the rapid pace you were about to set.

He lifted his head just a bit to watch your body move, continuing to plead with his eyes for you to hurry.

You made sure to press your core to him as tightly as possible for the last swivel of your hips before you planted your hands down firmly on his chest. You lifted your hips up until he was almost entirely out of you and slammed back down, your ass making a clapping sound each time you repeated.

You hear jungkook making small grunting noises, but you being the person you are, that wasn’t good enough for you.

“Oh so know you want to stay quiet?” You say between breaths.

“You seemed to have so much to say before, what’s the problem baby boy? Don’t get shy on me now.”

He pried his eyes open, now completely shutting his mouth and only allowing for harsh breaths to come out of his nose.

You concluded that jungkook was, in fact, a masochist, he knew exactly what you would do for defying your order yet, he still dared to challenge you.

Your eyebrows shot up, a look of disbelief written all over your face.

“Oh! So that’s how you want to play huh?”

You said before stopping your movement altogether. You tilted your head to the side daring him to try you again.

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing jus-”

“It doesn’t appear to be nothing? I don’t know jungkook maybe I should just go-”

Just as the last words left your mouth jungkook ripped his hands out of his constraints and secured both hands firmly on your hips. He lifted you up just enough so that he’d have enough room to fuck up into you.

Startled by his sudden movement you fell forward and clutched onto his shoulders, your nails leaving behind crescent shaped scratches. You sucked in a deep breath while you tucked your bottom lip in between your teeth. Your exhale coming out in a small whine. As much as you tried to keep yourself together, the fact was that he was fucking you like he’d studied your body beforehand. Each time he thrust up he hit that one sweet spot that had your toes curling up and took you one step closer to your second orgasm of the night.

He was no better underneath you, although your thoughts had become foggy from the pleasure you could hear his moans cut through like a knife.

Bent on claiming your control you spoke up once more.

“You sound so pretty baby, if you would have just made these beautiful noises earlier you could have been done already!”

“Shut. The. Fuck. Up. ”

He said, his thrusts getting harder after each word. So hard your body rocked forward until you couldn’t hold yourself up any longer and you collapsed to the side of his neck.

You could hear your own moans join the mix, as could jungkook since you were right by his ear.

If you thought his noises were pretty, he thought your moans were like the best song he’d ever heard. How could he be pounding into you so hard and yet your voice stay such a beautiful consistent flow? The thought flew by his mind but what consumed him was how tightly your walls had started to constrict around him. He could feel you squeeze him tight then release for just a moment before the motion continued.

He realized he’d forgotten to put a condom on, you never asked him so it completely slipped his mind.

“Where can I cum?”

He asked wanting to be courteous while also protecting the both of you.

“Wherever you want, not inside of me though” you mumble into the side of his neck.

Jungkook hearing you loud and clear mustered up the last bit of his energy that he could to flip you both over.

You started up at him with half-lidded eyes, looking at him like you wanted to say something but didn’t have the energy too.

He guessed at what it was and brought his thumb down to flick at your clit. At once your eyes rolled back and you yelled out his name.

You squeezed him so tightly he had trouble moving and opted to pull out before he lost his self-control. Forgetting about himself he rubbed vigorously at your clit until you were pushing his hands away from the overstimulation. With your body still shaking from the aftereffects of your orgasm rushing through you, he held his jerked himself firmly until white ribbons of his cum shot out all over your soft tummy.

“Oh, fuck. Y/n” he said his teeth pressed down firmly on his bottom lip, feeling so much relief and pleasure from the orgasm he’d been waiting to receive.

He plopped down next to you, both of your body boneless from all the energy you both excreted. You were close to dozing off still dirty when you could hear the bed squeak. You just opened up one eye enough in time to see jungkook disappear through his doorway. You figured this would be a good time to get up and get dressed to go, you didn’t like sticking around if gave the boys a chance to form some type of bond and you’d already learned your lesson about that. Just as you were about to push yourself up you heard him come back into the room. He had a towel in one hand and one of his white tees in the other.

He handed you the t-shirt before getting on his knees and beginning to wipe you down, being careful to do it slowly so it would be uncomfortable for you.

You stared at the shirt in your hand, not exactly sure why he gave it to you in the first place? He didn’t expect you to stick around, that you could have a sleepover and woken up together in the morning?? That’s definitely not how you did things.

“Why’d you give this to me? I have clothes” you said chuckling as to not make the situation more awkward than you felt it could be.

“Well…here’s the thing… since we were both wearing white shirts I thought yours was mine and kind of…wiped myself up with it.” He chortled with an apologetic look his teeth bared but his lips taking no form.

The shirt didn’t mean much to you and you were appreciative of him taking your bare body into consideration, and to be honest you felt bad for assuming the worst out of him so you giggled out loud and tossed your body back flat against the bed. When he finished running the towel over your tummy you slipped the shirt back on and made your first attempt to stand.

You thanked your mom silently in your head for giving you such strong thick legs, at least with them you wouldn’t be making a fool of yourself by wobbling around.

You made your way back to his living room with him trailing behind.

Jungkook thought about how good you looked in his shirt, how is reached just underneath your ass so that every time you moved he would get a quick peek. He also thought about how nice it would be having you wear his clothes all the time but he knew it was a stupid thought to have.

He’d spoken to Namjoon about you prior to meeting you at the coffee shop. From what he could recall Namjoon saying, you didn’t stick around and you never formed relationships with the boys you slept with or anyone for that matter. There was no one who could change that fact and that’s partially why Jungkook was so intrigued by you. You were a free spirit and you did as you pleased, he knows he couldn’t have you any other way then this so he’d treasure this small moment of watching you redress in his living room.

“Um, Jungkook, where are my panties?”

You stood up from where you were squatted down with your leggings in one hand and your underwear nowhere to be found.

“Uuuuh” Jungkook’s eyes shot around the living room acting like he was trying to spot your missing panties when in reality he knew exactly where they were. Tucked away nicely in the pocket of his sweats.

“I don’t know y/n I can’t find them sorry.”

He said rubbing the back of his neck with half a smile on his face.

What jungkook didn’t know is that he did a horrible job at concealing your missing article of clothes in his pants and you could very well see them outlined. But whatever, you’d let him have his fun. So you just snorted through your nose and turned your lips up to a smile.

“It’s fine, they were messy anyway, I mean who even wears panties with their leggings anymore right?”

“You won’t be cold though right?” He said as he brought your jacket over to you and helped you slip it on.

“Jungkook, hoes don’t get cold.” You said doing a twirl while out strutted away from him.

You both paused at the door to let out loud silly giggles.

“So…I’ll see you?”

“Next Sunday. If you want.” You say as your laughter died down.

“Yeah! I mean, I’d really like that y/n”

You beamed a smile up at him one last time before you turned around and started to make your way to your car. You thought about how Sunday’s were definitely no longer gonna be your rest day, how Monday boy was gonna be able to tell the strain that was put on your body, hopefully, he goes easy on you tomorrow.Oh well you’ll sleep when you’re dead you guess, right now you’re having way too much fun.

[polyacrylamidepensieve]

For Posterity

Just realized as I was walking around my circle today, working on getting my stamina back: it’s probably a good idea to actually record just how colossally bad I’ve felt in the last four years or so. This way, when my patients tell me someday that they’re having similar sufferings, I can read this and remember how the world looks from here.

I haven’t wanted to honestly talk about it, bc it makes people uncomfortable and they don’t know how to respond… so guys, just don’t bother. Rest assured, I’m perfectly fine and there’s nothing more I need in this world right now. I’m happy now, that’s what matters. That’s what makes now a good time to finally write about this stuff in straightforward prose, without all of the pretty metaphors and euphemisms I always hide behind when I don’t want to admit how bad I’m feeling even to myself.

I’m posting this publicly because I want others to read my story and see their own suffering reflected here, to message me and tell me how your stories are perhaps similar and yet not the same. You are not alone. You are not abnormal. I got better. Maybe you will, too.

Okay. Let’s see. Well, during the first two years of med school, I was so clinically depressed and had so many intrusive thoughts (a symptom of anxiety) that I suffered from severe cognitive limitations. I couldn’t focus for long enough to read so much as a sentence. I’d get to the third word and then come to ten minutes later and realize I’d spaced out and couldn’t remember what I was supposed to be doing or why, and then I’d go lie down until I could remember what I had been trying to do. So I ended up basically either in class (four hours a day, four days a week) or in bed. Being in bed so much is really physically bad for a person - I completely deconditioned. I lost ten pounds because I couldn’t get up the desire to eat. I became short of breath just standing or walking for half an hour or so. I got sick at the drop of a hat, and I still think that level of immunocompromise is why I got cancer later. But more on that in a bit. I couldn’t hold real conversations or make friends - I’d forget what I was trying to say halfway through pretty much every sentence, and I couldn’t focus for long enough to really hear what people were trying to tell me, either. For someone who had always been high achieving, it was a truly eye opening experience to have a working memory of about 2-3 pieces of information. I know now what it’s like to stare at something for hours without comprehension. After I switched psychiatrists and my meds were doubled around the end of second year, I woke up one day and could think again. (I had a week before step 1. Still not sure how I passed, and not sure my score will be enough to get me in anywhere I want to go either. But that’s not relevant here. The point is,) I looked at the material that had given me so much trouble and I could understand it within about thirty seconds. That’s when I finally understood my privilege. That’s why “try harder” is no longer something I tell anyone to do, no matter how seemingly small or mundane the task. I finally understood in that moment that everyone is trying their very hardest every single day. Being able to accomplish things simply by trying hard is a capital-P Privilege.

Anyway, I was mildly suicidal for a little bit. I ended up sleeping with the classmate who lived in my building simply because he was the one person who could be there without too much inconvenience. When I didn’t know for sure that I could be alone and be safe, I didn’t feel like I was imposing too much by asking him to come up a few flights of stairs, and so I actually reached out for help, thank god. We don’t really get along, and we fought constantly because he’s unintentionally but unerringly patronizing and I was uber sensitive. If not for my condition, I don’t think we would have talked much or even been friends. But he saved my life, and I will forever be grateful for his willingness to be my crutch when I needed it most.

I don’t actually remember most of the ins and outs of those two years. He remembers much better than I do. I don’t remember entire major outings or conversations I had with people. It’s almost like being blacked out - you’re somewhat functional at the time but have no memory of it later. If my school had had tests or grades, I would not have made it through. I got my weekly essays and presentations done by going to bed early and waking up to do them at 3 am. I could focus a little better right when I woke up, and the adrenaline of having to present or submit in a few hours helped me to cobble together at least a semblance of something I could turn in.

The silver lining? I shed the gigantic ego I’d been lugging around. That, and I developed a thick skin. Thick enough, hopefully, to make it through a surgical residency. We’ll see. I am now capable of publicly humiliating myself and laughing it off - a vital tool in the physician toolbox. I, who would once have been mortified not to be thoroughly prepared for each and every class, made it through med school without reading a thing. My inadequacy was in everyone’s face during those years. It showed up three times a week for small group problem-based learning. It reared its head every Monday or Thursday when I worked with my preceptors in clinic. And whenever I was compelled to speak in class, it made sure to loiter around until the very end. My classmates still see me as an incompetent, anxious, and unreliable peer, and I may never truly win their trust at this point. The less pleasant ones didn’t deign to speak to me at all, back then. Wouldn’t meet my eyes or acknowledge what I had to say. Anyway, it was either learn to handle it or kill myself. The boy I mentioned above once described the aftermath of my suicide in such vivid detail that I couldn’t bring myself to be so selfish, even when I was at rock bottom. So now here I am, for better or for worse, unapologetically alive and with the habit of failing firmly tucked into my back pocket.

I can also now say that I’m a significantly more receptive listener, so there’s that. I no longer hear threats to my ego when people are just trying to help or to ask for help. Also, being willing to admit to anyone that I don’t know something or that I’m wrong somewhere has allowed me to become much more assertive and to ask for things I would never have asked for before. Nothing can hurt me anymore, not worse than I’ve handled being hurt before.

Not even cancer. That’s the second half of all of this. It’s a much shorter half, bc honestly it wasn’t that bad. But the fatigue, my god. Night sweats are gross, surgery hurts, my breasts are no longer as beautiful as they were, the MRI guided biopsy was brutally painful and I’m allergic to the contrast dye. None of that compares to the fatigue. I struggled for months before my diagnosis and just couldn’t explain to my research year supervisor why I had so much trouble coming in to work on time. I would sleep for twelve, fourteen hours on the weekends, wake up for two hours and then nap for another five or six hours. I never felt rested. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t get my team to respect or like me. I was just so tired.

After my diagnosis, the blows just kept coming. I was diagnosed via phone call on my 26th birthday, and my parents’ insurance stopped covering me at the end of that month. We didn’t know what stage I was, if I’d need chemo, if I’d lose my fertility and my hair. Having my own biological kids was top of the list when it came to priorities before, but now that I’ve given real thought to what life looks like without them, things have shifted a bit.

I don’t have a ton else to say, though, about cancer suffering. Radiation hurt like hell the first day but got better. My boyfriend of six months dumped me and got right back together with the girl he was sleeping with before meeting me, almost not quite even in that order, around week one of radiation. But honestly? I got off easy. No chemo. I’ve even come off of my depression meds. And I’m grateful to said latest ex, too, because he was the one who found my cancer. I think I just don’t want ever to forget how scary it all was, despite knowing how to navigate the system better than most and having insider influence. For my patients, I can’t afford to forget the pre-surgery anxiety or the shock of being diagnosed. I can’t forget what it was like to be powerless and broken, because someday I’ll be the one behind the knife, the one with all the power.

And you know what? Cancer is something that either breaks people apart or pushes them together, and I found out that I am truly blessed with incredible friends. I didn’t tell many people about my diagnosis (at this point, half of my 32 person class doesn’t know), and still I had a few classmates and friends offer to shave their heads with me. Others offered to bring me food, take me to my appointments, watch my cat, and some even just came over almost every day for a week to hold my hand and listen to me cry my eyes out over a boy. My 3 best girlfriends, who’ve been my best friends since we were all in fifth grade, sent me packages and pictures of pink strips they’d collectively dyed into their hair. I don’t know how I’ll ever pay all of this forward, but I guess I can definitely try. :)

[restorerjourney]

Week 8: Bible Overview

Southern Kingdom: The Assyrians scattered the nation. The Babylonians kept the different cultures intact. Now the questions was, where will they worship God? Will God be with us? Jeremiah told the exiled people that they will be there for 70years. There the synagogue was born where they gather. You have 10 or more Isarelites you can start a synagogue. So if you go to Acts, if you see Paul moving around you saw him going to different synagogue. June 1, 2021

This week was such an enriched week of learning the historical background of the bible in its’ entirety! Conveniently I already was working on my resolution to read the entire bible but to go through all the important facts, purposes, and background of the bible from the beginning the end really solidified my faith and confidence in His word. We had a young couple who are staff at the secondary bible school come and teach us this week, Sunkyung and Joona Sommarberg. I enjoy seeing how each lecturers are unique and creative in their lecture style. Because the lecture has the tendency to be dry they instilled a lot of small breaks, illustrations, body languages demonstration so that you can share despite language barriers, and taped illustrations on the wall so that we could see the entirety of the bible from the beginning to the end.

Here are some random facts that we’ve learned during lecture:

Knowing the bible is Knowing Your History

-All the different signs that Moses did with the 10 plagues were actually  specifically going against the different Egyptian gods. An example is when the last plague against all the firstborn except those with the blood of the lamb on their doorpost was a symbol against pharaoh himself since they believe pharaoh is a God.

-God is holy, he is not like the gods in Egypt that can be manipulated. In Leviticus, it summarizes that God told his people that He is holy so we must be holy = “set apart”.

-Why sacrificial animals? It was to reveal that sin is costly. Sacrificing animals was costly because that’s what they lived on. It also showed the people that on their own they are incapable to live a sinless life on their own.

-In Deuteronomy, we see Saul, who lost his father’s donkeys runs into Samuel, and God says to Samuel that Saul will become King. **God works in ordinary mundane situations. These complete mundane moments could be life changing** Saul was hiding to be king although he was called...how often do you hide behind what God has called you?

- -Israel (Northern Kingdom): 209 years, 10 tribes, Capital: Samaria. All kings were evil and worshiped idolss, many different dynasties, worshipped at the false temples at Bethel and Dan. Taken into exile by Assyria in 722 BC

-Judah ( Southern Kingdom): 345 years: 2 tribes ( Benjamin and Judah), capital: Jerusalem, 20 kings (one was a queen), some kings followed God and some did not. All Kings were from the line of David, Worshipped at the true temple in Jerusalem, Taken into exile by Babylon 586BC

- The Southern Kingdom: The Assyrians scattered the northern kingdom nation but the Babylonians kept the different cultures intact in the southern kingdom. Now the questions was, where will His people worship Him since the temple was destroyed? Jeremiah told the exiled people that they will in exile or 70years. During that time the synagogue was born where they gather to worship God. If you have 10 or more Israelites you can start a synagogue.

Greeks at that time didn’t like the Jews, one of the reason was because Jews practiced circumcision. The Greeks believed that the body understanding of total beauty is the perfection of the little boy’s body.

-Acts: the disciples stayed in Jerusalem for 40 days until the Holy Spirit was sent. Many Jews throughout the Roman community gathered and spoke different languages because they stayed in different parts of the Roman areas. When peter lead them 3,000 people believed in Christ.

-The return of Jesus in NT is mentioned 300 times.

Honestly I wish we as Christians all were taught this because I felt even growing up in the church and being a Christian for so long, I felt I only knew fragments of the bible. This class helped us to have a deeper understanding of the bible as a whole and to see that God fulfills his promises.

Overall this week I was challenged to continue to speak out God’ truth in my life with gratitude and humility despite how I felt. A habit that really helped was reading God’s word before doing anything. Also prayer while kneeling three times throughout the day really helps me to remind myself what who I am living for and to ask for grace and strength for today. Those small habits have changed the direction and perspective of my day within a few days. Our previous lecturer Sam Chang recommended us to read this book called “The Common Rule: Habits of Purpose for an Age of Distraction” by Justin Earley. I’m already reading 1/4th of the book and I highly recommend it.

On Friday we had a talent show in our DTS and it was a lot more comical that I thought. It was seeing the different hidden talents that I would never have expected from people. We saw dancing, singing, more singing, musical talent, and even juggling. I will always remember one of our team member who is autistic sing boldly sing songs that are considered very difficult when you are doing karaoke with freedom and courage...or one of our most reserved staff member dress up in a wife beater shirt, hot pink wig, and sing “She’s gone” by Steelheart...or when we saw one of team member who is a surgeon who was so reserved and depressed when he first came, wear sunglass and moonwalk backwards to pop music. It was so fun to have this experience together. 

During the weekend we celebrated “Woman’s day” which recently started when one of our leader’s wife suggested it to encourage sisterhood amongst the team. We all dressed up, had plumerias hanging on our ear, ate a delicious spread, and enjoyed each other’s company. I was so blessed to see how much effort and thought was put into the decor as there were hanging beautiful delicate flowers in the middle of the room and paper flowers taped all over. It was perfect. Saturday night and Sunday morning and afternoon Hyejae, one of my team members, and I did a spontaneous trip to the beach and Hilo. Since we both live in different rooms, we don’t get that much opportunities to spend one-on-one and despite our differences in age and personalities, it was wonderful to see how much more comfortable and close we have gotten all because of our foundation in Christ. At Hilo we ate poke, went to a farmer’s market, stopped by Coconut Island and grabbed Micky-D’s soft serve cone on the way back. I also was able to catch up with some friends back at home and do my weekly session with Stella and Jo. I’m so blessed and thankful to have such a wonderful support system in my life that despite the location, it’s as if our friendship has not changed.

Prayer Requests:

1) Neck, upper back, shoulders, and irregular cycle: These are still a continual prayer for me and I know that God will heal but in His timing. Please pray for endurance, grace, encouragement, and hope that I trust in His promise.

2) Lack of energy and stamina: I’ve been very tired lately and have been running on caffeine more than usual. There is so much that we are learning and I don’t want to miss out on it. I’ve been sleeping well too. Please pray for strength, grace, and stamina so that I wouldn’t miss out on all that God wants to pour out to me during this trip

3) God to stretch my capacity to love: I’ve been really really convicted how small my love was. My love is conditional, limited to those who are convenient to me, and I need to repent and change. I’ve been convicted to love people as they are before they do anything and to see them the way God sees us. Please pray for wisdom that I would learn to always extend mercy yet know how to have healthy boundaries when loving a neighbor.

Praise God I have raised $5,190 out of $5500! Only $310 left! It’s been a slow trickle but every time I get a notification I am just reminded of God’s faithfulness and how he can move the heart of His people in obedience even when I haven’t reached out to them. Praise God and I am so grateful beyond means. It’s not too late to support if you feel led to since I need to raise this by June 20! You can venmo (@Alicia-Kim-5)

Thank you for your time to read this!

Mahalo- Alicia