#reading these asks is gonna make me cry again
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Dabi unclear feelings pt. 1
Hurt, no gender mentioned
You and Dabi weren't really a couple, more than anything else you lived together and often had sex, but of the two you were the more emotional one, you often cuddled up to him, kissed him, massaged his shoulders, prepared food for him. You just told him that you will prepare him a nice hot bath this evening.
"Damn it. You're being all lovey-dovey today." He said gruffly, his eyes looking into yours.
"I love you Touya." Dabi's eyes widened at your words, his heart skipping a beat. He wasn't used to anyone expressing love for him, let alone you.
He felt a strange feeling in his chest, a mixture of vulnerability and affection.
"Tch. You're getting all sappy on me." He muttered, his hand holding you closer, as if relishing your embrace. Despite his cold demeanor, Dabi found himself unable to hide the effect your declaration had on him.
You kiss his forehead gently.
"You really love this ugly face, huh?" He muttered, a hint of vulnerability in his eyes.
"Yes, and you're not ugly." Dabi looked at you, his eyes searching your face.
"What's with those eyes of yours?" He asked bluntly, referring to the hint of sadness in them.
"You gonna burst into tears or something?"
"No." Dabi raised a brow at your response, disbelief in his eyes.
"You look like you're about to cry, damn it. What's got you all emotional?" He asked gruffly, his hand rubbing your back gently.
"I just... Don't know what u think." Dabi let out a heavy sigh, his eyes flickering to yours, its always the same.
"What do you mean? What I think about what?" He questioned, his tone more serious now, sensing your vulnerability.
"About me. About... us." Dabi fell silent for a moment, his hand still rubbing your back.
He took a deep breath, his eyes looking into yours again.
"Well... I don't hate you. And as far as 'us' goes..."
He trailed off, hesitant to continue.He clenched his jaw, his gaze flickering away from you.
"It's complicated, alright?" He said gruffly, his hand gripping the bed covers, feeling a sense of unease in his chest.
He always says that
"I get It." Dabi let out a heavy sigh, his eyes watching you play with you switch.
"You always understand me too damn well." He muttered, a hint of vulnerability in his voice.
"It's like you can read me like a damn book."
"I'm...I'm gonna make food." You say, walking to the kitchen with teary eyes. You knew he didnt love you back, but you wish he could. Be with him, love him, while you know he doesn't feel the same makes you feel sad. Dabi watched as you left the room, a subtle frown on his face. He could tell you were upset, and he knew he was the indirect cause of your tears.
His mind whirled, his heart feeling a pang of guilt. He was never good at dealing with emotions, especially other peoples'.
He sat there for a few moments, silently wrestling with his own thoughts.After a while of contemplating in silence, he groaned in frustration.
"Damn it... why does they have to make everything so complicated." He muttered to himself, his hand running through his hair in irritation.
He glanced in the direction you had gone, his mind still preoccupied with your earlier tears."Why does they have to be so sensitive all the time?" He muttered to himself, his eyes flickering again to the kitchen where you were.
He let out a frustrated sigh. Dabi's eyes widened slightly as the realization hit him. He had always known you cared for him, but now he fully understood the depth of your feelings. You truly loved him, not just because he was good in bed, but because he was... him.
A strange feeling washed over him, a mix of vulnerability and surprise. No one had ever loved him so completely before. He glanced down at your pillow, at your spot, oblivious to the inner turmoil going on in his mind.
"Damn it... They loves me, like, a lot." He muttered to himself, his mind racing with conflicting emotions. It dawned on Dabi that your sadness was a result of his own lack of clear feelings towards you. He had been so focused on avoiding commitment that he hadn't given you any reassurance about what he felt for you.
The weight of his own obliviousness hit him like a ton of bricks, and he clenched his jaw in frustration.
"Damn it... I've been such a self-absorbed prick. They needs some kind of answer from me."
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Zoo Day
Mickey scrunches up his face at the smells of the zoo. He doesn’t understand why people enjoy coming here. It all smells like shit and wet dog. But once Svetlana heard that the Lincoln Park Zoo was free she declared that Sunday would be a family day with mandatory attendance. Mickey knows at this point that he has to pick his battles wisely with his wife, he’s hoping that if he plays along with this dumb family day then he can leverage it as a way to get out of fixing the front porch that Svetlana has been nagging him about. Ian didn’t need any convincing, right as Svetlana brought up the zoo Ian jumped up to start making the sandwiches they would bring for lunch. Mickey had to stop his boyfriend reminding him that Sunday was three days away.
Sunday had arrived and now Mickey was staring at a monkey taking the longest piss he’s ever seen. The monkey kind of looked like Iggy, he took a video to send to the sibling group chat.
Mickey followed his family as they went from exhibit to exhibit. Ian read aloud all the animal facts to Yevgeny and Svetlana. Yev asked a bunch of stupid questions and Mickey did not understand how Ian had the patiences to answer all of them.
“Can it fly?”
“No buddy, ostriches can’t fly.”
“Why not?”
“Because they use their long legs to run really fast.”
“Why do they have wings?”
“Uh, to cool themselves when they get hot.”
“Oh,” Yevgeny said, nodding his head.
“You know you could just say you don’t know,” Mickey tells Ian. “The kid ain’t going to be upset if you don’t know every animal fact.”
Ian shrugs his shoulders. “I like seeing him smile.”
When the four of them were eating their PB&Js at a picnic table Mickey witnessed another father with a bag with the zoo logo. The father proudly reaches into the bag and pulls out a stuffed lion. Mickey felt a little pain in his stomach. He didn’t have money to surprise Yevgeny with a souvenir.
“I wanted a tiger!” the little boy shouts.
“Uh, ungrateful child,” Svetlana scolds. Apparently Mickey wasn’t the only one watching this family.
“Sorry buddy,” the dad apologizes. “All they had were lions.”
“That’s very nice of your dad, right?” the mother tries to calm the child with his very loud public tantrum.
“I wanted tiger!”
“I know buddy, but the zoo store didn’t have any,” the dad looked like he was about to cry. Fucking North siders spoil their children so much that the parents lose all control of the hierarchy in the family structure. The brat doesn’t deserve the dumb stuffed animal.
“Come on,” the mother pleads. “Take the lion and I’ll buy you cotton candy.”
“Fine,” the spoiled child relents. He takes the lion from his dad and they head off to buy cotton candy. Once the parents weren’t looking, the kid dropped the stuffed animal in a bush.
“Don’t grow up to have attitude like that,” Svetlana tells Yevgeny.
“OK mama,” Yev says.
They finished up their lunch and started to head to the bears. As they pass the bush with the discarded lion Mickey overhears two zoo employees.
“Hey, there’s a lost lion in here,” one says, reaching for the stuffed animal.
“Go take it to lost and found at customer service, I’ll let our lead know where you are,” the other says.
Mickey gets an idea that he can’t shake. He turns to Ian. “I’m gonna head to the parking lot for a smoke.”
“OK,” Ian says. “Text me when you’re done and I’ll let you know where we are.”
“Sure thing mom,” Mickey says, rolling his eyes.
He met up with them at the penguins. Mickey did go to the parking lot for a smoke but on his way back in he stopped by the lost and found to inquire about a lost stuffed lion.
“Hey little man guess what?” Mickey says when he meets up with his family again.
“A lion!” Yevgeny beams at the surprise. He jumps up and takes the lion Mickey has holding out for him. Yev then hugs Mickey in the tightest hug that his little five year old body could muster up. “Thank you dad!”
“Sure thing,” Mickey says, unable to hide his smile.
“You bought toy?” Svetlana says. Mickey can tell that she’s trying not to sound angry in front of Yev in public. Trying to not to be like the other family that she just talked bad about.
“Naw, it was free,” Mickey clarifies.
“Did you steal from that North side kid?” Ian accuses.
“You think I stole from a kid?” Mickey says, raising his eyebrows.
Ian responded by giving his signature chin look.
“Fuck you,” Mickey says. “The toy was lost and I went and found it. No rule saying I had to give it back to that brat. ‘Sides, Yevgeny deserves it more. That Richy fucking Rich propably has a whole room of stuffed animals.”
Ian’s face turns soft as he smiles at Mickey warmly.
“You’re a good dad,” Ian says.
“Shut up.”
“No , it’s true. When I was Yevy’s age Frank took us to the zoo and tried to put me in the gorilla enclosure. I think he was trying to scam the zoo into a lawsuit but instead got us all banned.”
“What are you going to name him?” Svetlana asks.
“Lincoln!” Yevgeny shares.
“Clever,” Mickey says half heartedly. “Come on little man, let’s see the giraffes.”
“Why do giraffes have long necks?” Yevgeny asks.
“Don’t know, but I’m sure Ian will think of the answer once we get there.”
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i genuinely do not think its possible for any one person to have more energy than i do atm. IM GONNA DIE. please im gonna actually die ok ok ok wait so. i promise i am sane. however.
Matty was still standing in the aisle way, the brim of his helmet casting his face in shadow. Even while wearing a crew neck sweatshirt over his show shirt and tie, George could tell that he had lost weight. He was holding himself carefully, looking up at George with wide eyes, like he couldn’t believe that he was actually standing before him.
TEARS IN MY ACTUAL EYES. george can tell hes lost weight ☹️ hes holding himself like that again ☹️ i cannot DO THIS ALLY im gonna scream and cry in a really good way but also a very sad way pls this is so ☹️☹️☹️ george u fucked up real bad and im gonna punch u for it hoe...
They reached the back of the barn and Matty turned, his arms crossed in front of his chest. George wasn’t sure if the position was a defensive one, or one meant to self soothe.
im convinced u want me dead. this is. AAAAHHH but in a sad way. just that line oh george u fucked up so so so so so so so unbelievably badly LOOK WHAT UVE DONE TO HIIIM im gonna cry. the way u described it is ☹️☹️☹️ like either way hes Not In A Good Way AND. i dont even know. im having. A CRISIS i love this so much
“You’re not my keeper,” said Matty, the ice in his voice freezing George’s veins. “That’s not up to you.”
tears in my actual eyes im srs this is so ☹️☹️☹️ (emoji of the day ong) im literally about to die pls no the one time hes confident in his words is when george has hurt him THIS BADLY that he just has to be IM GONNA SOB. 😭 thats 😭 not 😭 up 😭 to 😭 you 😭
Matty snorted, “That’s funny,” he said cruelly, “because I think you’re the one that pushed me away. You fell off Mars and somehow that was my fault and meant that I was stealing drugs from the barn. Something you went and told our boss to try and get me fired.”
every chapter i think Wow this cannot get any better. then BAM. george being completely oblivious to how badly hes hurt matty is making me want to curl up into a ball and die because of SADNESS im gonna. AUGH. pls no omfg i dont even have words like usually i at least try to say things that Make Sense but IM SO. AJSHJSJSJSH I CANT EVEN DO THAT i need u to write a book Right Now
George blinked, Matty’s words a shot to the chest. Matty loved him. Matty had loved him as in past tense. He swallowed hard.
I AUDIBLY GASPED. nononoejsiqksjswkd pls LOVED IN THE PAST TENSE im about to rip my heart out of my own chest this is the best thing ever pls george LOOK WHAT U DDIIIIIIIIDDDDDD
“You’re missing the point!” Matty shouted, “I don’t want to try.”
STOP IT RIGHT NOW STOOOPPPPPPPP STAWP STOOOPPP STOP IT NOW STOP STPPROOQOSOOWIXIOWOXOS ally. how do u. DO THIS. its eleven words and im clutching my chest and screaming silently. a way with words im sO SRS
“Everything,” said George, “I’m sorry for the way I took you for granted, for the way I didn’t take your feelings and needs into account during our relationship,” he swallowed hard, “I’m sorry for the way I let my jealousy take control and the way I took it out on you, and I’m sorry that I let my feelings about Matthew Healy, the rider I grew up wanting to compete against, overtake my feelings for Matty Healy the person. Because Matty Healy the person is one of the kindest, strongest, most resilient people I have ever met and he shouldn’t give up his dream because I’m an asshole.” George took a breath, “and I just, I don’t care if you hate me, you should hate me, but don’t let more of my mistakes keep you from coming back to Dirty Hit, don’t let it keep you from coming back home.”
THIS ENTIRE PARAGRAPH???????????? im im AWE this is beautiful and its going to make me SOB. 😭 dont 😭 let 😭 it 😭 keep 😭 you 😭 from 😭 coming 😭 back 😭 home 😭 HIS HOOOME ☹️☹️☹️☹️☹️☹️☹️☹️☹️☹️ pls im gonna start screaming crying throwing up pls slpslskqikakdkkwosoi I CANNOT DEAL. difference between matthew healy and matty healy is making me DIE
Matty sniffled. “Do you actually mean that?” he asked, his voice shaking, he had his arms wrapping around himself again.
George nodded. “I’ve never meant anything more.”
HES NEVER MEANT ANYTHING MORE MATTY PLSPLS i am genuinely fighting for my life rn this is the best ever and i love it so much and the way u write them is so Jajjanzjjwjdjjwisijs in an amazing way and im gonna EXPLODE AND DIE because of this one line. "ive never meant anything more." AKANJAJDJWJKZKQJ OKAY THEN DO U WANT ME DEAD. DO U WANT ME SOBBING ON MY FLOOR. BECAUSE I WILL. but also thats The Goal u know. emotion. ok. im going to DIE but pls pls understand i mean all of this in a very positive way and i am not telling u i hate u with this because i actually do not have the ability in my body to hate anything u have ever or will ever write and i am professionally thanking u for writing this 🙇♀️🙇♀️🙇♀️ MY JESUS U KNOW. ok. enjoy ur day and i will be screaming crying in my room over this in a Very Very good way. also i apologise for my lack of punctuation im having a horse gatty crisis
AHHH Thank you so much for reading! I apologize for being so slow in the response department 😭 Y'all are kind enough to send me asks then I take ten years to respond I'm so sorry.
Horse shows are physically hell on your body when you're like, healthy and emotionally stable... Fictional!Matty is none of those things he is struggling... and Fictional!George is so obsessed with him that of course he notices!
Fictional!George has put Fictional!Matty through HELL he is confused, and hurt and thought he found a home and a family and someone that care about him but then Fictional!George burnt it all down with his jealousy. BUT Fictional!George is Fictional!George and is so caught up in himself he didn't even realize it 🥺 He realizes it now though!! Sort of... it's a work in progress
Thank you SO MUCH for reading and for sending me such a wonderful and enthusiastic ask omg I smiled SO HARD reading it omg I'm just so grateful that you not only took the time out of your day to read my fic but to send me such lovely and detailed commentary?! Thank you, thank you thank you! I hope you liked the epilogue and I hope you continue to enjoy my works!! Have the very BEST Tuesday and a wonderful rest of your week!
❤️Ally
#ask ally#allylikethecat#keep it kind#fanfiction#matty fic#gatty#fanfic#questions#equestrian au#all the king's horses#atkh#reading these asks is gonna make me cry again#i love this fic so much#part of me wants to rework it into an original story lol#i wont but its a fun thought#that way i dont have to leave them behind#even though their story is finished
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I think the Bad Kids deserve to cry a lil. As a treat. IT’S CATHARTIC!!!!!!!!!!!
#my art#described#dimension 20#fantasy high#fantasy high: junior year#the bad kids#ima be tbh. I did mostly just wanna draw Gorgug crying WJDBDJSB#I hope we get any kind of acknowledgement about what Gorgug saw in the forest… I’d love to see a scene where he asks digby & wilma about it#ALSO I LOOOVVVEEE THAT THEIR PRONOUNS ARE THEY/THEM BCUS THEY ARE A SET. DO NOT SEPARATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#also. hope that the time thing Brennan mentioned is an actual plot point and not just A Convenient Retcon Function#like pls brennan… I respect ur storytelling so much I do. if I wanted retcon excuses I’d go back to TES and read about the dragon breaks#especially since like. I love the seven so much. I’ve joked before like. t7 is frankly FHJY for me. we can skip right to sen. year JY is T7!#so if hes walking stuff back esp stuff that was established in T7… idk im not gonna be like. mad. I have a Life lmao. but maybe a lil sadge.#ANYWAY zac once again making one of my fave PCs. gorgug is so sweet guy…#also hope we get to see the artificing class & teacher!
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my favorite baby style ncu continuity is cute tiny hopeless romantic kindergarten disney prince stan falling in love with kyle broflovski at first sight and buying every flavor of ring pop trying to propose to him like 'you are...the most Beautiful person i've ever seen.'
and evil feral kindergarten nj kyle threatening to bite him, fight him and end his pitiful life like 'and you are...so Gahdamn WEIRD. stay the hell away from me, yA FREAK!' and trying to bear mace him skdhs
— but then k-garten stan doing something incredibly wholesome, mindboggling stupid and storybook chivalrous to save k-garten kyle's life, the ice around his cold black heart melting, bein forever changed and falling head over heels in love w boy hero k-garten stan...
...all to take the fATTEST L OF ALL FUCKING TIME because he is too emotionally constipated to confess his feelings and end up gettin stuck in the super best friend zone FOREVER bc every day perfect stan marsh gets lovelier, handsomer and....Fucking STUPIDER.
#nina speaks#i really do feel for ncu kyle...i do#that man got shafted#please note: if the super popular extremely pretty dark haired boy w/ big blue eyes confesses his love to you on day one#just say yes like just go along with it#however i will say that kyle being unapproachable and hating him and wanting to bear mace him did make him obsessed#which is soooooo mentally ill i am actually CRYING#but yeah because then youre going to realize that he is actually v sweet and cute and kind and wonderful and special#and your chest will start to swell and youll get light headed and want to start smiling and singing and swinging#and then you think he's gonna ask you to marry you again and he just asks you to be his super best friend forever#because he doesnt want to push it clearly u dont like him and he is just happy to be near you and spend time with you#and you want to push yourself off a cliff because now every person on planet earth is in love with stanley marsh#including you#and you are legitmately FUCKED#they really are who fell first who fell harder and i mean it#i love insane yandere black lab bf kgarten stan he is so funny like he has mental problems but i admire his detirmination#i also love emporer of evil probably has rabies new jersey potty mouth orange cat bf kgarten kyle who without a doubt 100%#would have a crush on a boy and send him death threats and be like Get Out Of My School because he makes him nervous#obsessed with my silly gay opposite attract sbf sons#ft baby stan like aw! u wrote me something <3#( can't read bc he's illiterate ) ( hugs kyle ) you're the BEST! ( ft kindergarten kyle having shaking and having convulsions )#pour one out for kyle#specifically jersey#because his stan d*ed he never recovered and then fell in love with the sexc rockstar vers
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angst (?) but some fluff with ume going onto that pregnancy thing— i feel like he’d be really anxious if/when he gets you pregnant regarding his past. like you thought he was overprotective before? you ain’t seen nothing yet.
he’s never letting you alone— he can’t be there? higari is helping you with chores. tsubaki is taking you shopping. suo is helping you research baby stuff. momose is coming over to help you decorate your nursery.
ume’s with you at every appointment, he cries when you first hear the heartbeat, he loves cuddling against your stomach, even before you have a bump, and he talks so softly to the baby
he does start having nightmares again regarding his parents, and he tries to hide it from you, but the bags under his eyes tip you off and you two end up having a serious convo and work through it
you’re also not really allowed to leave your place whenever there’s activity in town? word on the street is some rival gang’s coming in? someone’s “casually” coming over to hang out (read: babysit)
that’s all i got for now have a good one :)
nonnie thank you!! for sending me this >: sorry it took me so long to get to!!! i read this when i was half asleep and i kind of teared up 😭
i absolutely agree with this take. family is so important to him, and the others coming in to help is just… so precious. i think a part of him would be worried even if the others are with you. it just crosses his mind every now and then, something like “i hope everything is well! i hope she’s smiling right now.”
him cuddling against the bump and lowering his voice around the baby … ): i also think he would love to read !! even if you’re pregnant, he’s nestled up beside you, voice as quiet as he can make it when he reads a lil story aloud for the baby, smile tugging at his face when you lean over to give him a kiss.
#the other bullet points are gonna make me cry MSMSMS IM SORRY#this was so cute#and sweet#except#him having nightmares >: poor boy#cw angst#wind breaker spoilers#he is so precious#i love this ask a lot i want to come back to it every now and then to read it again#thank you nonnie 🥺🤍#🦢— mail !
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tired girl hours i’m just ranting bcos i don’t have enough time to cry
#tw rant#studying med is no joke. ik it was gonna be a commitment n that it wasnt gonna be easy n i thought i was prepared but im not#its my passion. i love what im studying and ive dedicated myself to this path but i just. its so hard n i just want to cry. everyday feels#so tiring. morning to night classes. when i get home i have to read 4 chapters MINIMUM n the books are so thick + exams almost everyday#i feel worse knowing there’s this 1 girl in my friend group that cant decide whether she likes me or not. one moment shes complimenting me#n asking where i get my outfits or my nails done or my earrings or whatever then praising me that i probably study the least out of everyone#yet still reach high student rankings but its not that im lazy im just so exhausted n its hard to have motivation... lowkey envy how my#friends study minimum 4 hours a day. we’re all tired n sleep deprived. even taking 30mins to eat makes me feel guilty. cant even watch 1 ep#of an anime bcos ill be thinking about the amount of work to do. and i have sm plans. i wanna be more active and have a healthier lifestyle#but i cant find it in me to wake up every 5am to go to the gym when i just wanna get as much sleep when im lucky to finish my studies today#i also dont see my bestest friends everyday anymore. some of us move to diff unis or some in diff majors. i just miss them so bad it hurts#and i miss the girl i used to be when i still had time and energy to indulge in my hobbies. i miss playing genshin and writing fics#just when i got back to writing and enjoyed it LOVED IT i had to go back to uni. i feel terribly lonely even when im always with people#im afraid ill completely lose grasp of the little things that make me happy bcos the weight of my responsibilities are heavier#im afraid ill be too focused on success again like i was when i was 17 and forget that its okay to relax too but idk#and i wanna meet more people make more friends have new experiences. i wanna feel alive again. and theres sm i wanna talk to or get to know#but im so afraid of people hurting me or disappointing me or people getting to know me only for the friendships to fail or we’ll dislike eac#h other. i wanna date and fall in love again and experience the romance my peers have. i wanna have someone to call my own person but the fe#ar of having someone only to lose them someday scares the hell outta me. im not ready for another heartbreak so i isolate myself and watch#people from afar. uni gives me sm freedom to do everything else and form my own identity but i dont wanna be Perceived. I wanna be heard and#seen n connect with people. but w my curreny state idt i can handle being vulnerable with others. it feels so lonely that the things i want#are out of my rrach but idt i can manage my time to meet new people and make new memories. i console myself by shopping a lot and going to#spas to relax yet i still find it hard to sleep. im afraid im wasting my time. im not as brave as i used to be. im not as efficient as i was#i get older and more tired and while i never questioned if studying med was the path i want i do question what will happen next#“is this all im ever going to be?” im good at what i do but day by day i lose sight of tje girl who knew how to laugh n smile. ik what makes#me happy but i rarely smile genuinely anymore. im so tired and want to sleep for a long time but i dont wanna fail. i dont wanna be NOT good#but it makes me cry when i know i can do many great things but i dont feel loved. people compliment me but dont approach me bcos they say im#intimidating or that im too quiet in class. i wish i could tell them i wanna join their parties too or i wanna meet their friends n hangout#but what if it doesnt work out? what if i wasted my time getting to know someone id eventually regret? what if im the disappointing one?#the days are getting shorter but it always feels like a long day. im ashamed to admit i want someone to hold me yet refuse to have anyone
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#just wanted to post that ask abt pauls mom so not more ppl send it in thinking no one else did <33 hehe#but just wanted to say that im gonna be taking a little break from here#just a few days maybe a week or a lil more#going through some really exhausting things irl and everything is just making me overly sensitive rn#so im just trying to not go crazy heh and tumblr always has a way of making me spiral even more#though it's kinda hard bcs reading everyone's messages and asks always gives me so much energy#so i might come in just to read asks and then disappear again ahah#so thankful for you all <333 i'll be back soon !!!#going to be thinking a lot about pepe to not go crazy#especially 🎀 anons latest ask#nearly made me cry istg#okay im really going now#bye for now!#(deleting this when i come back)(or earlier idk)
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...
#i see y'all's asks and i love your enthusiasm so much#thank you for talking to me and being so kind and reading and loving it#i'm at an extreme low so i'll respond when i can.. just need a bit to lift myself up again#people who make others cry suck so much. always get away from them y'all we deserve better 🤍 love you#gonna hug my plushies <3#tdl
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Okay, I have about 100 pages left in Veniss Underground, so I'm going to shut my phone off, set a timer for an hour, and try to finish it. It's a quick read once I get into it. Might also try to read while pacing the apartment bc my neck/jaw hurt and I think sitting scrunkled up on the couch is making that worse lmao.
My goal is to finish Veniss and then have zero reading obligations for the rest of the year. I need a break. I'm so burnt out that sometimes thinking about the books I want to read makes me a little nauseous, no matter how little pressure I put on myself goal-wise (this is the Year of Burnout for sooooooo many things). I might pick up a manga or comic between now and new years, something quick and light that can be read in a few hours, and I've actually been reading fanfic again recently which is a nice change, I fell off the bandwagon with it for a while bc I didn't have any fandoms I was passionate enough about to look up fic.
But! No novels! None! Braincell Recovery Time Only!!
#*100 pages of the main book left. then theres an afterword and short story i might read or else might save for later#im liking this story a lot more from Nicola and Shadrach's perspectives#still not as brain-melting as some of his other books but pretty good#also most of the fanfic im reading is like 2k word smut. i WILL read romance in fanfic form just Not Novel Form#Don't Ask Me Why#anyway basically my goal between now and new years is to do things that don't require a lot of brainpower#probably a combo of videogames (which require brainpower but in a Different Fun Way) and housework#also im gonna make french onion soup qnd charcuterie again bc that was the BEST idea last year it was SO GOOD AND NICE AND SIMPLE#maybe i will also find a defunctland video to get drunk and cry to like the disney channel theme documentary last year#im just procrastinating now bc i have to get up and find my fitbit to set a timer so i can shut my phone off
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#told my brothers gf (who’s coming with us to the harry concert next week)#that i’m trans and go by finn bc i didn’t know whether my brother ever told her#(my family refuses to call me finn and we haven’t talked about it in 4 years just to give u some#background )#and she responded in the SWEETEST way i love her#she knew but didn’t know what to do and didn’t wanna pry or#make me uncomfortable and said thank you for telling me . crying . asked after my pronouns again.#like i knew she was gonna be okay with it (one of their old classmates outed themselves as nb super young and they were wonderful)#and she follows janna on insta and always tell them#what books they recced she read etc etc and so i was fed WORRIED#but it’s nice to have a good outing (even though she technically knew sjsjsj)#v glad also my brother has her they’re the cutest#oki byeee#x
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Pluton lore: it can be used to make islands disappear. But why would crocodile want that
Zoro no learning that a swordsman is worth nothing if he can only attack and can't protect... yeah yeah yeah
Water luffy is so silly but makes so much sense like this is how we got to gear 5... also robin laughing.... this is where she thought she might join... like at least she will laugh with them. Also crocodile gets mad right after so it works to rile him up too!! Magnificent plan luffy
#omg robin teaseeeeee#sanji telling vivi she will never again fight alone.... omg...#robin laughing at what luffy says... they are already having autism communication... magical#he said you are stupid bc nobody has beaten your ass yet and robin is like yeah.... and also you called me by my name betrayal is imminent#luffy fucking chomps crocodile AJSJAHSKAJAKA if forgot!!!!#porbable news of luffy being defeated and zoro is already training.... yeah...#vivis faith in luffy.... like she doesnt even believe it but its okay.... its the thought that counts#also possible marimo and weird brow introduction here... its like witnessing the first stone being put in the pantheon#the crab is named scissors.... nami named him after her favourite activi- [GUNSHOTS]#also really inch resting... random people that save luffy from death because he is a d: robin. law.#khoza crossing vivi and not hearing her is so heartbreaking akdhakbssk.. the drama#usopp denying luffy is dead saying he is gonna be pirate king and getting the motivation to fight... yesh#exactly.... chopper asking for a doctor... 🚬 comedy#also did sanji evade a swan feet shot bc bon clay said that one is female?? am i getting this right???#sanji making friends with bon clay..... yeah...#zoro fighting mr 1 believing he will be able to cut metal at the end of it.... crazy#OMG CAMIE!!!!! SO SOON???#zoro saying he will not wait for death yeah yeah....#i didnt comment on namis fight bc i was so into it akdjsksj... what can i say she fought for vivi... and also the fight was LONG#not a bad thing but the humor in it... poor girl.... usopp got your ass#imperialism in my one piece?? how a foreign evil infiltrates the state and incites a civil war by infiltrating both sides to ensure mutual#destruction and amidst the chaos extract the state's resources??? its more likely than you think#luffy saving vivi is so :“) also first luffy hug ever??? technically... also we will all hear your voice??? is the translation okay?#namis injured foot being on the panel before vivi sees her.... yeah exactly yeah yeah#vivi is going thru it she has been crying for like 20 minutes poor girl#just realised that robin is kinda oppostie of luffy bc she uses her powers to break peoples bones and she cant do that to luffy ahdkahsk#luffy how are you beating your poor father like that.... goddamn#robin wasnt expecting this??? now what girl?? i think she thinks she might not get to pluton now so she is like fuuck.... why did i save hi#which i do wonder why she saved him did she know about saul being a d? is that in the poneglyphs??#reading one piece
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i’m sorry you haven’t been feeling well lately! :( i hope you get things figured out soon and feel better! that’s never a fun situation to be in! 😭😭 def appreciate you sm, am here if you need anything!
it sucks but i guess it's just part of healing.. constant ups and downs. it's exhausting 🙃 but thank you so much, i'm really grateful for you
#that's mental health for ya#always wondering if i should try and patch things up with people and then thinking 'well if they wanted me back they would reach out'#why do i always gotta be the person to confront others and try to fix things like no! i'm sick of it#you got a problem? talk to me! you miss me? talk to me! i did something that hurt you? fucking talk to me!!#how am i supposed to know something's bothering you if every time i ask if you're okay#you either say yes or you say no and you don't wanna talk about it. i can't read your mind. especially through a screen#you make no effort to hang out with me in person and i always have to be the one to drive to your house and we never do anything#you never offer to come to me instead you never suggest ideas i always have to come up with a bunch of activities then you reject them all#then you cry about being lonely and having no friends but you don't even invest in the ones you do have#she's gonna end up alone with this attitude. to be rejected by friends has left me completely lonely but at least my conscience's clear#if loneliness is the price i have to pay for peace and good karma then i will pay that price every single time#it's not worth it. they don't respond to texts - they keep cancelling plans - they never ask how i'm doing - it's not worth it.#i'm not gonna keep trying and giving my all to people who can barely lift a finger for me#the silver lining in all this is that i've found myself back - the me from before heartbreak who was a REALLY good friend to people#all it took was losing so many people i loved deeply and again - that's a small price to pay#instead of going to war for others just to find out they'd let me die out there - i'm going to war for MYSELF#because I'M worth it and i would KILL to have a friend like me. so. self worth over fake friends#even if that means i have to spend another fall and another birthday and another christmas and new years alone. so be it#answered#🫶🏻
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Cried on the bus then at school cause im pretty sure something happened to my cat (heavy rain and she hasnt come back) then failed an exam (also cried DURING the exam) (for my cat ofc idc abt biology) anyone else having a good day 😁😁
#literally worst day of the year#my cat almost never spends the night out#when she does she's waiting in front of the door by the time i wake up#and now it's been 2 nights without her#also she never goes far always stays around the house or the neighbour#i went out to look for her but didnt see her anywhere#i was so embarrased of crying on the bus thank God i ve got long curly hair that hudes my face lol#and at school too#when i arrived a friend asked if a was okay#i just gave her the thumbs up then went to cry in the bathroom#(there were mean girls which i hate there i hope they didnt hear me)#and when i come back a closer friend saw that i'd just cried so he was worried#and so i cried again#and people gathered around me#so EVERYONE in the room prolly guessed i was crying#i was not slick#tbh i don't rrally care abt that#and then when my exam started i was just thinking of my baby#and a few tears fell#i thank my friends in my head for being silly and making me laugh without even knowing#when i was finished the teacher came to tell me i has 21/40 but girl did i ask ???#i just wanted to sulk and read my book#she never leaves me alone#and then she TALKED to me#for several minutes#i really needed to vent#im prolly gonna tell my sister everything when she comes back#and now i wanna cry again#i need a nap
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SUDDENLY STARTED RAINING SO HARD WE ARE SO FUCKING BACK
#i was like huh whats that noise. bc i can normally NEVER hear anything over my headphones but it was the rain fucking shattering it down#my bed is WET the window was only open a few inches 😭#anyway had no signal at work again today smfh. but at least they let me on the bus free on the way there this morning#still a bit wobbly im in the baby deer phase of post major depressive episode#roommate asked how i was doing when she got home and i very very nearly started crying but i didnt i was so brave#my insane insecurity and anger swings post rsd episode have mostly faded too thank fuck. only took 4 days which is pretty good for me#but im still so so tired it takes everything out of me...#when im recovered + can talk abt it without making myself upset again im promising myself i will talk to her abt the rsd if nothing else#but i really really dont want to make her feel bad abt it at all its genuinely not anyones fault. but its important to me that i say smth#just so we can avoid it happening again where possible bc it does really suck so bad. for everyone im sure but mostly me here#and i would like to be able to care abt ppl and have close friends without risking my entire mental (+ physical..) wellbeing 😭#i think if im still struggling w mood once my meds stabilise i might ask if there are options to help w that too#like i think ive gone as far as i can w therapeutic techniques rn. its just too overwhelmingly intense and reflexive for me to apply that#and i dont feel like i live my life around it or in fear of it anymore like generally i have been a lot better#but when im vulnerable and it DOES strike i have no defense against it whatsoever and it can tank everything for weeks#its just high stakes. and it'll help to make sure ppl know abt it and might be able to support etc but it would be nice to never worry abt#so worth trying meds for it maybe. i just dont rly wanna have the conversations w medical ppl in order to get it in the first place#like i wouldnt feel safe telling a doctor abt it bc the idea of someone with that authority having power over me is terrifying#ah well this isnt a problem for right now. plus stimulants might help me w it anyway once im finished titrating so we'll see#got so distracted typing this i forgot what i was gonna do.... i need to check my planner#and then ill probably read and go to sleep early i think zzzzz#ahhh.. and the birds are singing outside now the rain has stopped :-)#.diaries
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I'm very tired, I have to do everything around the house myself (as in, I keep having to turn the water off and on to the kitchen sink until I teach myself to install a new faucet, and negative cleaning gets done if I don't do it), and the money is in the hands of the third worst person in the whole family when it comes to money (the worst being my grandpa who is dead, and my grandma who blows all her money on overpriced jackets and other junk)
I'm very tired, I have to teach myself how to do everything, and I have almost literally no support in any way shape or form ever
I can't remember the last time anyone said they were proud of me... I don't actually know if anyone's ever used that word with me before. When I do something like get the trailer cleaned out or buy a house, frankly no one gives a fuck, except my grandma who gets mad
I haven't actually had a chance to see anyone that counts as a friend in like 15 years, and I mean even in high school everyone liked me but no one could be bothered to actually ever even talk outside school... so even back then it's not like I had anyone I was close with
I'm providing this version where I totally remove how I feel or how I view myself from the description and instead try to provide something close to an objective description of things
So if you wonder why I say what I say about myself, honestly I think it's pretty much all summed up here
#mm tag so i can find things later#also this is why you can maybe piss off instead of coming around here and saying I should get off the internet and go to therapy#in spite of how morose I am; I'm actively working to fix this stuff by... at least learning more of the skills I need#like... learn to replace a faucet; then at least I don't have the sink issue weighing me down#and maybe if I fix enough of it someday things'll be ok#although... in my mind no matter what I do I'll still be alone and unlovable; but that's just a description of how I view things#regardless of how I may feel; I am trying to do stuff to fix how I feel by trying to fix my situation#so like... if you're gonna come here and tell me I need to fix my mental health#may I respectfully say either you can lend me a hand or maybe you should mind your own business#cause what the fuck do you think I'm trying to do?#not that anyone will read this or particularly care#not trying to be rude or something; just extrapolating past data to make a prediction#it's not that people here don't care or don't like me; it's just we're all busy with our own lives and no one really knows what to do#well I'm... I'm trying to write you a guide; I'm asking for help here#...to an extent it's totally fine if no one helps... but you kinda don't get to go around acting like you love being asked for help#I mean... you do; it's your life... but I'm just saying... this is me asking for help... yet again#but I expect nothing because that's what usually happens#I really don't mean to... to imply anything about anyone else; it's just descriptively I don't get help and I don't get support#and... based on all the information I have my model for the outcome of this says no one will even notice it#that tag of mine of things I can find later or whatever... it has me outright saying a number of things#...no one ever hears or listens#anyway; there it is... another pointless cry for help#...don't say I didn't warn you when I wind up killing myself one day#probably not anytime soon; maybe not ever... all I'm saying is don't pretend you didn't see it coming or like I didn't reach out#at least... as best I could... maybe I could have done better#like sure; could I walk up to specific people and say 'I need you to do this'; sure...#but I find... I find people just ignore it if I say that too#so I've given up; you know?#this is the best I can muster#don't say I didn't tell you
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