#reading other people's interpretations gives me this feeling of wrongness and resistance

[hood-ex]

Man, I can't believe I used to read every NW issues the very day they came out, even during the amnesia arc. And then TT took over and very quickly I stopped cause it sucked so much and it feels like every issue was a nail in the proverbial coffin and now this zur shit and Dick being so dumb and incompetent feels like they're throwing cement on top lmao

Yeah it's kinda just same shit, different day. Something actually enjoyable with Dick feels more like a rare treat now, and it usually happens outside of the Nightwing run.

[just-a-ghost00]

Advice from passed on loved ones and ancestors

I saw a post lately about how the tarot community is mainly about FS and love related content and it really made me think about my own practice and consumption. I think tarot is first and foremost a tool for spiritual growth and so I want to do more readings on those themes. Today, we are asking your spiritual support team to share with us advice meant to help you grow and thrive. You get to pick your group by choosing between the following emojis : 1🦄 2🍊 3🏊🏼‍♂️

Group 1 🦄

I will start this reading by interpreting the emoji you picked. To me, the Unicorn represents magic, lightheartedness and trust in the Universe. It represents purity and open mindedness. So I guess the first piece of advice that your team is giving you is to embrace whatever is coming your way. Instead of having a combative appproach, fighting people and things happening in your life, resisting change or wanting to control the outcome of things, try a more passive approach. Being passive doesn’t mean doing nothing. Being passive means that you allow things to come to you as they are and you learn how to work with them instead of working against them. For instance, let’s say you are given the opportunity to work on a project. Your first instinct may be to want to take the lead and create everything from scratch. But maybe instead of doing that, you could work on this project basing yourself off of the work your teammates have suggested or what your mentors have done before.

Now, moving onto your cards, you got the following : 4 of wands, knight of swords, the Emperor.

You are advised to count on your family and closest friends on your journey. At the moment, this course of action is the best thing for you to do. I’m hearing don’t underestimate the knowledge and power of others. Some of you may feel like your loved ones wouldn’t be able to understand what you are going through or provide meaningful help. Spirit is telling you that you are wrong thinking so. You would be surprised with what your people can do. Especially if we���re talking about an important father figure around you. The second piece of advice is to communicate clearly with people around you in a way that asserts your power and authority. That doesn’t mean that you should be agressive but definitely don’t be afraid to speak up your mind. Your ideas are valuable and you matter. No one should be able to walk over you as they please. Let people know that you are mature enough to make your own decisions after weighing the pros and cons. By doing so, you will prove people in your community that you are driven and reliable. The third piece of advice is to not be afraid to be more masculine, more dominant and communicative, more demonstrative in your relationships. If you were afraid of coming off too strong to a certain person you love, spirit is saying "we’ll be having none of that BS". On the contrary, you have to show this person all of you. Including the bossy side. Don’t dim your light for anyone. No matter how much you love them. Your spiritual team is telling you that embracing your power and your masculine will strengthen your bonds with this person. Because they like to know that their partner can handle things on their own and doesn’t need them to thrive. They like to see a strong, independent and confident partner. The brighter you shine, the more they’ll be drawn to you. That is also true for any person that’s a part of your tribe. How can you expect people to find you if you don’t let yourself be seen? Send the signal. Burn oh so bright, beautiful spark 🔥

Group 2 🍊

Sweet group 2 you picked the lovely orange as your emoji. To me, oranges represent joy, fun, warmth, gentleness, Summer. You are encouraged to have fun and do things that make you happy. Self care is a major theme for your reading I feel. I’m told that you tend to overwork yourself and be very harsh on yourself, especially when you feel like you’re not being as successful as you should. I’m also picking up on people not being happy about their body image. You could feel guilty about eating food and spirit is saying just do you. No stress. You’ll be okay. Go at your own pace and do your best. You are enough ❤️

Now moving on to your cards you have the following : king of cups, 9 of wands, queen of cups. I’m getting several interpretations for this combination of cards. So I’m going to do my best explaining them. First of all, there’s a message for people who are in a connection with someone that is a bit difficult at the moment. You may feel like you are constantly the one making the effort to make this work. Your team is advising you to pour in your own cup instead. A relationship takes two to tango. If that person is not willing to express their own feelings and show you that they care about this connection, it is not your job to do it in their stead. Maybe they just are not mature enough to be in your league and that is not your fault. Your job is not to save this person. Your job is to uplift yourself and hopefully this person will feel inspired to do the same if that is their cup of tea. But you shouldn’t focus on you just for the sake of their well being. You should do it for your own. The second scenario that I am picking up on is for people that are single. Your team encourages you to keep moving forward and hold on. You have been working very hard lately and they want to reassure you on the fact that you are close to victory. Very soon your hurdles will be over. You are asked to be gentle with yourself and pat yourself on the back because not only do you deserve it but your achievements are going to be spectacular. You may be on the verge of manifesting a precious connection without realizing it. As I was typing that the autocorrect function changed precious into previous. So maybe this person is someone from your past coming back under your radar. This may be someone you deeply wished to be with in the past but never got the chance to be with them or someone you where with but went their separate way for some reason or another. No matter your situation, the major keywords are : self love, self care and gentleness. Don’t repress your emotions. Feel free to express them in creative ways. Don’t give up on your dreams. A peaceful time is coming your way so do not despair ✨

Group 3 🏊🏼‍♂️

Hello dear group 3. I will start your reading by interpreting the emoji you picked. You are advised to either practice a physical activity or to dive into your emotions. You can also work with water energies to enhance healing and inner peace. You may be the type to enjoy going to the swimming pool or the beach. If that is your case then this is your confirmation sign.

Moving on to your cards you got the following : 5 of wands clarified by the king of cups, 6 of cups, knight of pentacles.

If there is currently conflicts in your relationships in general, you are encouraged to soothe your interactions with them. Try to reconnect with your partner, your family, your friends. Extend that olive branch. Invite them to dinner or to hang out in nature. It is important to rekindle connections at this time of your life. Do so at your own pace, slowly but surely. Take the time to get to know people or rediscover the people you know. Reconnect over past memories, activities you used to do at the beginning of your relationship. Try to put water in your wine. Meaning, you have to temper yourself and try to find a common ground with the people around you. If a friendly offer is made to you, don’t reject them because of past experiences and struggles. Don’t be petty. If help is being offered to you, see past your grudges and reluctances, give yourself and this person the opportunity to learn from each other and start anew. You are encouraged to clean the slate and start on healthier bases. Even if people are being a bit tense around you, adopt a peaceful approach. Soothe people’s worries and show them they have nothing to fear. Try to mediate if you can. Instead of working on your own look out for people that share similar interests, similar responsibilities or experience. Get out of your shell and out of your comfort zone. Get out of your way and try to understand others. Give others the chance to understand you. You are encouraged to work on your empathetic skills. 🕊️

[david-talks-sw]

The fact that Dave Filoni called Anakin “the greatest Jedi ever” is proof that he’s bias AF. His anti-Jedi rhetoric is bupkis.

I wonder if he means "the greatest" in terms of in-universe fame...?

Dunno if this is the case in Canon (then again Dave Filoni blatantly ignores any *non-motion* transmedia elements in Canon so meh), but in Legends he's:

"Anakin Skywalker, the Hero with no Fear™, handsome, dashing, the face of the Republic's army during the Clone War, the only Jedi who tried to resist the nefarious Order's coup and was treacherously murdered for it".

And I seem to remember that, in Canon, he's like the Jedi Temple's superstar anyway, every Jedi recognizes him on sight. I mean, that line from Baylon about "Anakin speaking highly of Ahsoka" must have some meaning beyond artificial personal stakes.

So from a fame and a "power level" standpoint... sure.

He's the greatest.

I'm giving Filoni the benefit of the doubt.

While I've talked about why Filoni's entire headcanon about the Jedi doesn't track with what George Lucas' intended narrative, I think it's worth acknowledging that Filoni's bias comes from part of his duties while directing The Clone Wars was.

One of the goals of TCW was humanizing Anakin, expanding upon his character make him go from "a character whose only purposes is to embody the themes presented in three movies based on the matinee serial format" to a relatable person, a good man, the hero Ben mentions to Luke in A New Hope.

I think it's normal that he'll see Anakin in a more positive light.

Also (and full disclosure this is just me theorizing I am no authority on any of this so if turns out I'm wrong just come right out and say so)...

I'm pretty sure that Filoni, Lesley Headland and most of the recent Star Wars authors are all Gen X, raised by baby boomers forced to conform to society, obey authority and have proper decorum (boys don't cry!) all of which they strove to rebel against. Add to that the corruption they witnessed growing up and coming out of high school, and you see a kind of jadedness emerge. "The rules aren't as black and white, the world is grey."

So while most of them and the boomers despised the Prequels upon release, a few of them projected a more individualistic headcanon onto those movies that fit with where their head was, at the time.

As such: Anakin isn't interpreted by them as a cautionary tale about what happens when you're greedy. He's a misunderstood rebel, a non-conformist who has his flaws but is ultimately good at heart. Which isn't entirely inaccurate, but it is very clearly an embellishment of a character who will one day become a space nazi.

The fact is... the Prequels were made by a boomer. One with very liberal values and who was himself a rebel, but a boomer all the same. The whole point of his story is...

"we all must come together and fight as one, if push comes to shove; we must all be compassionate and selfless if we are to survive; don't be greedy, let people go when it's their time to leave".

And then he makes the Jedi say that, making them beacons of truth and good and compassion in his fairy tale, now aimed at Gen Z kids.

Gen X-ers hear/read that and project all the boomer BS they had been told onto the Jedi...

"oh, so the Jedi are saying you shouldn't love yourself, you shouldn't be yourself, you should give up on what makes you an individual to fit in, you shouldn't feel any emotions"

Because nobody is that good, realistically, right?

This happened in other mediums. The one that comes to mind on the spot is the relationship between Mufasa and Scar.

In The Lion King, Mufasa is strong and noble, Scar is weak and conniving. Simple enough. Around that same time, in A Tale of Two Brothers, young Mufasa is shown to be pretty nice with Taka (Scar), who is framed as a spoiled brat to begin with.

Skip to the 2019 remake, and it's hinted Mufasa gave Scar his wound, and in The Lion Guard they explain that Scar got his nickname from Mufasa mocking him for a misadventure.

He went from being a noble king to a bully who had it coming, Scar is an underdog who got picked on. Because again: nobody is that pure, right? Fairytales be-damned.

Nothing is black and white, it's all grey.

So yeah, long story short I do think that Filoni being part of the generation that wasn't the target demographic but was old enough to retcon the crap out of the Prequels also plays a role into his view of Anakin.

[admiraldeltafleet]

ALL Chapter 13 Closing thoughts

Normally, I would have done this in the author's notes at the end of the chapter, but I was feeling too much from finally getting to the end of my very first fic, and also I think I may have had too much to say it might not have all fitted. Anyway, I'm doing it now, so consider this your spoiler warning for my fic if you haven't read it. If so, I would definitely consider doing so, especially before you read this bit, as it discusses the final chapter https://archiveofourown.org/chapters/149705248

So, with that out of the way, let me get into this. This chapter has always essentially been about establishing the new status quo after the tumult of the past three chapters. Everyone had gotten started on their healing journies by chapter 12, but some of them (cough* Alex *cough) still had some ways to go. So, I had to give them enough time not only to finish those journeys, but also to settle into the new way of things once they had done so (and wrap up whatever lingering plotlines that were still hanging).

Honestly, I'm not totally someone to reckon with the fallout of things outside the scope of the fic I am interested. There is a lot to be said about the press and public's reactions to what's happened in this fic and many others, wrangling with keeping Kara's identity secret from her coworkers or the DEO and government. There are dozens of inconsequential actions that any number of the characters do that could be overheard or witnessed that would have far-reaching repercussions, but I don't really dive into them unless they directly interest me or there is something I want to directly address. So yes, someone could totes have seen Kara superseded out of CatCo and figure out her identity or some rando at the DEO overhear Alex call Kara by her name instead of Supergirl, but will probably never happen in my fic because I don't care about that sort of thing.

Now, you may be wondering why I am bringing this up. I bring it up because that is exactly what I am doing in the opening of this chapter. Normally, I wouldn't really bother with any sort of negative outcome between Kara and the government, or at least wouldn't give it it's own dedicated scene. The reason I did this time is specifically because of a fic I read some time ago that never sat right with me. I won't say which, and really this isn't about why that fic is wrong (I don't think it's wrong at all, it just didn't jibe with my personal interpretation of the character, nothing more, nothing less. Everyone is free to write how they please). Anyhow, in that fic, Kara did something similar to what she did in chapter 10 of my fic, and when the president started talking down at her about it, she just let herself be cowed and was like, "yeah, won't happen again. My bad.). I certainly understand this reaction, especially in the context of how Kara can be in both Canon and Fanon, but that's not my Kara. My Kara stands her ground, especially when it comes to Lena. I will admit beyond that, I do deeply enjoy this scene, and I don't regret adding it at all. I did also briefly set it up back in the beginning of chapter 4 when Kara the president's visit (just more so that they had met, so it wouldn't be out of the blue when they talked again in the end)

Another thing from this scene that's more of a mention and less of a feature, but you just know that Lena made Kara a kryptonite resistant suit, and I don't know why the DEO never invested more effort in that. I have a series of headcanons about Kryptonian powers and Kryptonite, so let me know if you want to know more about that, as it is directly involved with how it works in my writings, and also how things like how anti-Kryptonian and anti-Kryptonite technologies work.

Let's talk about titles. For the longest time, I had absolutely no idea what I wanted to title this fic. This is legitimately one of my greatest struggles. I seem to be able to name other people's fic pretty well, but when it comes to mine, I just don't know. For the longest time, my WIP title was Supercorp Secret Marriage which just doesn't make any sense as an actual title. Then, for another long stretch of time, I thought the title was going to be Prime, as the crux of the fic is really when Kara goes Prime mode to rescue Lena (I'm not super duper familiar with the comics, but my understanding is that there are some comics where the supes get a ridiculous power boost, and they are typically called supergirl/man/boy prime. Could not be quite right). Anyhow, that was the best I could really think of, but it never sat quite right with me. Partly because I think it's sort of boring, and also because I was petrified that someone would somehow guess where the story was going, and I wanted to do my best to shock everyone.

The other title I briefly considered was The Day the Sun Fell to Earth. This falls in the same line as a title surrounding chapter 10, specifically in reference to how brightly Kara was glowing as she descended to the DEO, it looked like the sun was falling to earth. I thought that might have required a bit too much of a leap to put together though (I did include it as a bit of a fun reference in this chapter, regardless of the fact no one would really get it but me). This title and the previous had the same flaw in my mind though, because while that scene was really the keystone of the fic, the title only related to that one scene and had nothing to do with anything else in the entire fic.

This is something that was bothering me the entire fic, from the time when I barely had the outline completed. In the end, as you all know, I went up going with At Long Last. These words are from the very final sentence I wrote for the whole fic, and as soon as I wrote them I knew that I had my title. Because, while the first scene of chapter 10 was what I built the fic towards and around, there is so much more to it now, and this sentiment fits so perfectly with what I had already written about Kara's thoughts and feelings about the secret that I was once again struck with the idea that I couldn't have planned it better had I tried.

The build up of this theme really started in chapter 2, before Kara even got together with Lena (as a brief aside, this makes me feel like I'm in school again writing a book report using quotes to support my argument, except for I wrote it and I'm explaining my own thoughts instead of someone else's). I'm just going to post the timeline of quotes as this theme develops.

Chapter 2:

If only he [Kal] would let up on Lena, she thought her life might be perfect, or at least as close to perfect as anything could ever come with the gaping hole the loss of her planet had left within her.

Chapter 3:

“So, it falls to me to preserve my culture, my language, my people, but I feel like I am failing them. For so long I have held them tightly in my heart. No matter how much I love Earth, how much I love the Danvers, Krypton has always been my home. Now, Krypton isn't my home anymore, you are,” Kara pulled back to look at Lena with pleading eyes, “Does that mean I've failed them?”

Chapter 13:

“There‘s a time you might have been right, when that's what I would have seen, but that was before I met Lena,” Kara said, her tone almost wistful, “She helped me accept that Krypton was gone, but still with me. For years while I was in the phantom zone, then on earth, I struggled to even comprehend the death of Krypton, the loss that it caused me. There were times, even after I had been on earth for years that I would wake up and forget what had happened, despite the fact that I had watched the whole thing with my own eyes. “Some days in that moment just before I opened my eyes, I expect to see my bedroom, to be able to look out over the skyline of Argo and see the red skies beyond it, and every time I woke to see our bedroom in Midvale, or my apartment, every time the window showed me National City's skyline and skies of blue, I broke all over again. And while I love you, I truly do, and Eliza, and everyone else I had on earth, it couldn't plug the whole that the loss of Krypton had made.” Kara paused for a moment, looking out of the window with a far-off expression on her face, as if in that moment she was seeing the cityscape Krypton out past the glass, but it lasted for only a moment before she continued speaking, her attention returning to her sister as she did so, “Then I fell in love with Lena. She was the first one to even come close to filling the void within me. She learned Kryptonese, not to help me acclimate easier to earth, or from some sense of idle curiosity about where she had come from, but because she knew how much it meant to me, how much it gladdened me to hear it even while it tore the scars off my wounds. Little by little, piece by piece, even before I realized she was doing it, she filled that void, until one day there wasn't a void anymore, there was only Lena. The pain was still there, but it was no longer debilitating. I no longer woke in the wrong bedroom, or on the wrong planet, I woke up to her.” ... “What I want, more than anything,” Kara said, bringing Alex's attention back to her, “Is for my family to accept my wife. I didn't need the black mercy to tell me that.” ... Kara looked around, her friends and family surrounding her, laughing and joking, drinking and playing. Lena was tucked into her side, completely at home amongst everyone, her wife was laughing openly at something her sister had just said, and finally, at long last, everything was perfect.

This theme is really what brought so much of this fic together in the way it did, and it weaved throughout my preferences to form new headcanons and all the lore about Kara and Kryptonians that helped me so much to sell this story. I love all the ideas that came from this fic so much that they have just become my default settings for Kara and Krypton going forward. This is my Kara, even more so than the one I came into this process envisioning, and I think that theme was much more worthy of the title than just that one scene (I still adore that scene though, don't get me wrong, but even it is so much better in light of the headcanons this story helped me build).

Well, I've already written so much, and I haven't actually even started reading back through the chapter yet, so I think I am going to do that so I can go back to the more "normal" word vomiting I usually do.

If anyone was curious exactly what Kara was implying when she was talking to the president right at the end, she was totally telling her that while her disguise might have been fooling everyone else, it was not fooling her. Kara totes knew she was an alien, and if the president was going to go mucking about in her family, Kara was more than capable of firing back. It might not be a morally great action, but I've always viewed Kara as someone who's family comes first over anything else.

Something else about this that no one may realize though, is that Kara does still hold them to a high standard of morals and behavior. There is one little tiny word choice that really shows that in this conversation she has with the president. When Kara is laying down the law, she says, "...if the DEO or any other agency of the government does come after Lena without valid reason." Notice, Kara specifically says, "without VALID reason," and that is an intentional word choice by both her and me. Kara would not let anyone, not even Lena, do anything morally corrupt or villainous and let them get away with it just because they are her family (She also does say this with complete confidence that Lena would never give valid reason though). She would probably still prefer to take care of it herself than let the government step in, but I digress. I talk about things like this a lot as absolute, but these are more guidelines for me, and I totally might bend them for certain fics in the future to get out an idea I have though.

I threw Lucy into this scene for no other reason than because I wanted to. Really there was nothing else behind it.

You all just know that Lena was waiting for that moment at game night where she finally got to stake her claim in public, really hammer it home even though everyone technically already knew. Speaking more on that scene, as much as I don't like certain characters (James and Mon-El) I do try not to take out my biases, valid or not, on them in my writing. I did definitely sideline them since I didn't care to write much about them than was needed, but I don't feel like anything I wrote about them was either untrue to their character nor unrealistic in an effort to justify my choices. I stand buy it. Actually, as a matter of fact, I almost convinced myself that Mon-El wasn't as bad as some of the things that sort of get glossed over in canon. In the future, I may just exclude them from my fics, though without Mon-El in this one, we wouldn't have gotten that scene where Lena was possessive and jealous.

As much as I don't necessarily care for Winn as a character (I don't dislike him, but neither do I have any particular fondness for him, nor do I think he should have come to the DEO in season 2 (hence I brought brainy instead)) He did do me a solid in this chapter and chapter 5 by giving me a path through some difficult-to-write interactions.

So, I will readily admit that I definitely just brushed CADMUS and Lillian aside without much thought or wordcount. I never really cared too much about that plot by itself. It was definitely the B plot. It only really served to push the secret relationship agenda forward by butting Kara and Lena into odd spots where the cracks started showing a bit (by making Kara act up, so that Alex would notice it essentially), then obviously they put up a big part of the plot by getting Lena arrested. After that was done though, their role in the story was over, so off they went into the sunset without much fanfare.

I love the little call back I had to chapter 3, when Alex was thinking about Kara and Lena, and she was like, "I bet if Lena pushed Kara she would just fall over. It's a ridiculous thought though." I cackle every time I read that part, no matter how many times it's been.

I could probably write a full TED talk about every paragraph in this chapter, and every other chapter for that matter, and I think this post is already ludicrously long, so I will try to only hit the main parts I wanted to address here, and maybe pick up some of the other bits when I do the further posts I have planned.

That being said, there is maybe my second favorite scene in this entire fic that I've yet to say anything, and that is the moments between Alex and Lena after Lena saves Alex from the kidnapper. I won't lie, I definitely lean a bit more towards Kara than Lena, but this scene is something that I just love more than I can express. I love to see that protective side from Lena that we are used to seeing from Kara, and Lena finally got to say her piece after so long spent holding it in. It was very hard to get that scene to flow well and I spent at least an hour writing just those few lines of Lena's dialogue. I think part of it may be that Alex just seems to never be held accountable for any of that. Some of the scenes I included in the flashbacks were just to justify having Lena bring up all these points and hold Alex accountable for it, and don't even get me started on that threat she leveled at Alex. I wrote that and it still gives me the chills every time I read it. I love literally everything about this scene, down to the smallest detail.

Anyway, I think I am going to call this here. I still have some plans to go back through and make a few more posts. There are still quite a few details and such that I packed in there that no one has, as far as I know, noticed. I wanted to go through them, since I love them, and bring them to everyone's attention so they can enjoy them like I do. Secondly, there is so much that I feel I learned in answering everyone's questions, where I feel like I know twice or thrice as much about all the characters and their motivations than I did when I started, and I want to parse back through all that. If I may brag for a moment, I think my greatest strength as a writer is how cohesive everything is, and by answering all the questions you had I learned more about my fic then I know when I posted it, and I love just how perfectly it all fits. Anyway, if anyone actually made it this far, let me know if any of that is of any interest to you

[avaisnerdytoo]

RICK AND MORTY SEASON 7 FINALE

*I TYPED THIS WHEN IT CAME OUT AND NEVER POSTED IT CAUSE PERFECTIONISM IM SORRY BUT IT'S KINDA COOL ALTHOUGH ITS BEEN LOW KEY SAID ALREADY

Read Chapter Titles for Easy navigation:

There is a lot to unpack, I want to cover some character insights, some connections to philosophical concepts I found neat, and some implications I feel the show gives regarding future seasons!

I'll write a lot, so I recommend reading the chapter titles to see if something catches your eye, I understand why you may be less interested in reading a whole thing.

Let's jump in.

BRIEF INTRODUCTION:

This has the foundations to be one of my favorite episodes they have ever made. It is like a therapy session made an episode.

I feel this single-handedly pays for the lack of Morty we saw in other sections of the season.

I think even with most of it being a simulation, the episode still has a lot to say about other characters too. Even if it was all through Morty.

Nevertheless I won't drop the fact that this is an episode of Morty, where his mind, his feelings, and his unconscious are the narrators, which means that the way it speaks of Rick may not be quite accurate, but I'll get there*

Cause I do think the writers are still consistent with Rick for a good portion*

MORTY'S DEFENSIVE LAYERS: short chapter

Dr. Wong once pointed out that the whole Smith family uses rationality to avoid emotion (a fact I sometimes really identify with btw), and this is best shown here, where the layers of Morty's ability to resist the simulation and to place protective barriers over what he feels, is a lot stronger than we realize.

You coooould argue that's simply the way the hole works, but I personally interpreted it as more...

I think we are being told that Morty has also learned (if not mastered) the ability to build the same protective walls as the rest of the family, however his ability to defeat the simulation is also not to be understated, especially if only like 3 people have survived it in years.

RICK AND DIANE (WHAT IS A REAL DIANE LIKE?): Short to Medium Chapter*

It is made clear that this representation of their relationship is not to be taken at face value, but I somewhat doubt the writers are interested in truly making Diane a part of the show. I hope I am proven wrong, but if I assume this is one of the very few instances of her we will see, then I am willing to take a leap and assume some of what we saw, could make sense within their relationship.

Diane was shown as fun, decisive, adventurous and challenging, to me, she showed a lot of Summer traits, which fits right in line with Rick's observations of her.

On the opposite end, I do think there is a big layer of Morty's own bias regarding how he'd assume someone capable of keeping up with Rick's style of character should be, and with the rest of the episode in mind, it is of no surprise he followed them across the main montage.

I feel Diane was an enabler to Rick, I doubt young Rick could be described as pathetic though, more like responsible. And Diane would probably be as well, but I do see a scenario where someone that grabs Rick's attention and respect has the resourcefulness of Summer and the courage to jump into action.

MORTY IS ALONE ALONE, A-FREAKING-LONE + an observation for Evil Morty* Long Chapter*

We know this already of course, Morty is a kid neglected by his parents pretty much, not out of malice but out of immaturity and naivety. The bond between Summer and Morty is good, and has improved, but I do not think there is a world (nor there should be), where Summer should take care of Morty more than how a sister can. (In another dimension bro would be a strong candidate to get Fairly Odd Parents)

This evidently leaves Rick as the only figure in his life with any room to provide protection, love, advice and all the things adults should do.

Which is a very shitty deal... Because Rick is far from equipped at any of these.

His experience, even in the crazy sci-fi multiverse he lives in feels very real, I consider Morty as the most complex character, and he was designed from the start to be the closest thing we -as the audience - can have to a surrogate.

It hurts to see him so adrift, of realizing day by day that there are a lot of challenges he will have to conquer alone, we know he can, but it doesn't mean it is nice to have to do so. (I may be half projecting here though cause I big time identified with him here).

It is clear Morty is really holding back to the scary world out there, he wants Rick to protect him, he wants to be looked after, he wants what we all do, to be loved and heard. Acceptance is necessary for growth, and at this moment, it is clear Morty believes no one will be there for him. (Hopefully that is proven wrong but more of that below).

I think I may now understand what Evil Morty argued when he sympathized with Rick over achieving his goal of ending Rick Prime, and still feeling unsatisfied. (that's a theory*).

MORTY'S PERCEPTION OF RICK

+ the struggles of adapting to a changing family member or friend

+ will it have an impact on the next Season?

Long chapter

Actions speak louder than words, but words matter too, and when those necessary actions come sparingly, expecting anything from the person who's bringing you conflict becomes harder.

That's the best way I can describe how Morty feels about Rick, I'm sure he values that time in Season 2 when Rick sacrificed himself for him, but there are also hundreds of variations of that event where Rick belittled Morty, and that has pretty much been the pattern since then, there are objectively worse things Rick has done than good ones...

It's unfortunate this is all Morty has, he clearly genuinely loves Rick, but I feel this episode, if followed upon through the Canon is a big eye opening for Morty.

This whole episode was a therapy session, like any process, it has to be explored through analysis, brought to the conscious mind, and peeled slowly across the stages of grief...

...

Actually, this episode was more like an Ayahuasca Trip, because it surfaced key aspects of Morty's psyche and feelings, but it only did that, unlike therapy which would keep exploring them to find how to coexist/diffuse.

There is soooo much left on the table, and the worst part is that I think this realization is incompatible with who Rick is becoming, which is reallyyyy unfortunate timing.

But completely understandable, and arguably real, on Morty's part, I feel they are being set up to be on distinct emotional paths which WILL require Rick to take more direct action.

If the idea that your closest family member can shatter the illusion of reality by saying that which you want to hear... Fuuuuck

If you ever watched Lucifer (the TV Show) there's a similar moment there that reminds me to this 🤔

SIMULATION THEORY MADE FUNNY, BUT STILL VEEEERY REAL

not character exploration just a comment on the episode

As a small comment one of my favorite tropes explored in the episode is the whole looped, "Are we out of the hole yet?", because that is the very foundation of the paradox of simulation theory, they technically explored it back in Season one, but the weight of it felt more significant here.

If you're told you live in a simulation, and then given the option to escape, all Matrix style, you don't become Neo, you instead become eternally unaware of when you're in the real world, you aren't shown the truth, it shatters your perceptions completely.

It's not that kind of show of course, but imagine the weight of experiencing, in this case, growing up, going to college, possibly losing a family member (with the worrying lack of Jerry in those scenes), getting a job, forming a life that is ripped away...

I love the running gag at this point of this occurring... The Roy Game, The Vat Of Acid Episode, The Beth and Space Beth Lesbian Simulator (my fav), and now this.

Only this one is given that weight though, even Morty begins to wonder whether he was just outright born there...

---

NO WAY I WAS DONE ALL THIS TIME

I'm sorry I didn't post this when I typed it, I had more ideas and I wanted more photos but I maxed out what I could use and my perfectionism got the better of me.

Hope there is still something here for you all 🥺🥺🥺😖

[theoxenfree]

cort!! hope you've been doing well <3

this is really random but i remember you posted somewhere on your old blog you were reading this thing between us by gus moreno and i just finished it recently and was wondering about your thoughts!

finally answering this, sen! literally just finished the book after slamming it out in like a day.

first and foremost:

overall rating ⭐⭐⭐.5/5

fucked up rating 💀💀💀.8/5

MAJOR MAJOR MAJOR MAJOR SPOILERS

overall, I think it was an interesting read and a fascinating take on the whole "possession" trope while integrating the inescapability of technology, grief, and struggles with cultural identity. those themes came thru consistently and potently throughout the entire story and I'm glad for that.

interestingly, I'm actually really delighted to have a protagonist like Thiago bc he never really grows from his experiences—only dissolves deeper into his grief and struggles, still blames himself, and I think his story was really the exploration of the opposite side of grief. usually, we read novels where the protagonists overcome their grief or, at the very least, learn to accept their lives as they were by the end—thiago just sort of continually spirals throughout the entire thing and sort of relents to the fact that he's going to die no matter what he does

I don't have a lot to say in regards to the cultural identity stuff bc it isn't something I can relate to on any level—but, moreno made sure this was a pretty significant focal point throughout the story, albeit quite spotty, and other reviewers don't seem pleased with the route he went with it.

I've read some people think moreno just spent a whole lot of time trashing mexican culture than anything else, but I do think that his idea was to write about a character who came from a "hard" background, who grew up knowing nothing besides that, and never really was given the opportunity to fully escape that. sure, vera is there, and he loves her, but I feel like a big point moreno tried to make was not only the significance of having vera come from a "easy" background (both parents, never having to struggle), but to have them culturally similar to sort of... idk really drive home that Thiago holds some sort of internal resentment towards her for that, and that he could never view himself as anything other than less than.

I could be completely wrong, but that's just sort of how I ended up interpreting it. some reviewers definitely didn't approach it critically, but even tho it was done poorly in some places, moreno really tried to give the cultural identity stuff complexity and I can respect the attempt there.

uhhhh

man, I am too tired to try to theorize about what the fuck was happening half of the time in the novel, but I do think: 1) this was more than a demon, but an interdimensional entity trying to make itself "real". 2) why it was trapped in a itza I have no fucking clue 3) probably the scenes of the beach and the table were easily the creepiest scenes in the book

it's fascinating bc Thiago does a pretty good job doing everything "right". he resists. he avoids. he runs. he destroyed the itza. tried to destroy the wall. tried to do the rituals that diane suggested. he's a lot more mentally robust of a character than he was aware of it and it took MULTIPLE deaths and possessions to finally get him to fully surrender; whereas he spent the entire novel believing that he was the weak one compared to vera.

one thing I'm thinking about is that this is technically a psychological horror—there are numerous times throughout the story where reality shifts, you're not sure of your head or your ass, and what the hell is going on. I think that's partially bc moreno may not be too familiar writing those sorts of things, bc I was confused more times than not BUT

in the beginning when thiago first met the cook at that diner, he drank the milkshake and it seemed to me that the diner actually existed. just like the possessions of brimley and jacobson actually existed, but, like, idk it makes me wonder how much was actually hallucinated vs real idk

gore was plentiful, somewhat gratuitous, but not really detailed enough to make me squeamish so it's whatever. tho, not-brimley's zipper mouth of teeth and Jacobson's eel eyes definitely put unique images in my head that are gonna hang around for a while. I really digged how moreno described the cook's real body bc as being fibrous, viscous, like some sort of bug covered in something—i think. it sounds and feels like it'd be gross and unnatural.

moreno's descriptive language was quite good imo. his imagery never really fell flat and he had this way of creating very specific, saturated images in your head that I really respect and is probably one of the biggest things I took away from his writing style. that imagery definitely did most of the heavy lifting for the story bc w/o it, the writing would've kinda just... a pissed off, grieving man whining the entire time.

one thing I did find jarring was how direct he could be with some details e.g. the scene where Jacobson throws Thiago into the grave and, like, hits him with the shovel and basically scalps him—it's so point blank that I'm like ?????

like, cool. I get it, but ???????

as a writer, I understand not everything deserves a paragraph of description to make it effective, but some elements could've been expanded imo

hands on hips

the ending was pretty bleak and it was meant to be bc this is, ultimately, a man who's been chased down to the point of being physically, emotionally, and psychologically exhausted and has completely surrendered by the end with a dim smolder left to fuck with cook just as a final 🖕🏻. fitting.

I felt pretty neutral about it tbh. not particularly impressed. not really able to say it was awful. it was kinda just "eh, that works, I guess. nebulous as hell, but whatever"

and, yeah!!! it was an okay book that was pretty easy to read and shred thru. not really making any of my lists for outstanding literature, but worth the time if you wanna read something sort of gory, highly atmospheric

what are your thoughts?????

[daisychainsandbowties]

your nonbinary beatrice post, i’m mentally jumping up and down on a bed ala s1 ava

nonbinary avatrice is so damn underrated imo, especially since they both read very trans and/or nd, (beatrice especially ((unrelated but lilith also has autistic vibes for similar reasons to beatrice)

ava is a bit complicated because on one hand it’s very likely she doesn’t care much or at all, and you have that whole queer af conversation between her and chanel about not knowing who you are because you never got a chance to explore or something that’s even queerer knowing that chanel’s actor is trans, and how often being queer and disabled goes hand in hand because of how man & woman is usually defined so much as a cishet white, thin, well off, pro status quo abled man/woman, but also on the other hand, that could also be the very same reason why a disabled person might firmly id as cis and/or with their agab, because of how they’re systematically denied manhood/womanhood because of their disability

and then with beatrice, like aside from the way she dresses, and i refuse to believe the combat habits didn’t make a few nuns realize that they aren’t so cis after all, you have the “people have tried to make me something i’m not. to make me normal. or at least, acceptable*.” and many people will “accept” gay people but only as long as they’re don’t display any gender queerness/gncness and/or transness

(*and obv that line is very easily also or as well interpretable as autistic beatrice, esp w how she displays a few behaviors that could be read as her being autistic, but that’s off topic)

<- first of all i am just yes yes yes about the intersectionality of disability/queerness & how it adds huge good layers to any conversation about nb avatrice. i rlly like the idea of Ava claiming her gender, b/c so often the systems and the institutions and ablism try to infantilise disabled ppl, & that extends to participating in gender, linking right to dehumanising tactics.

& i fucking LOVE Ava really doing gender and doing it her own way and grabbing it and running with it. Ava coming from a place where the ppl who 'cared' for her didn't give a damn about her girlhood. she's been confronted with her girlhood only in terms of pejoratives - 'you're a very x girl'

i am Thinking about the s1 line where we see sister fuck looming over Ava after she gets her period & saying to her 'you're a woman now' & how that is framed for us. just specifically what the entire event of menstruation feels when you are not cis.

ppl telling you that you're a woman (now, suddenly. like, fuck, when did i agree to this. who asked my permission?) and how you can feel your body being reframed and relegated in a certain way by the world and the anguish of that, often the blunt and speechless agony of it because the language that could latch onto what is wrong about the way that woman sits on your skin is unavailable to you

nonbinary avatrice is very mood to me because i think they in general have an extremely gnc thing going on. look no further than the outfits in s2. it is BOTH of them, also. Ava reads very boyish to me (hilariously in a very 'that kid with the band-aid on his nose & the blue shorts from pokemon who runs around on the beach going '!!! my footsteps keep disappearing'. ava silva-core).

there really is something in Ava that resists conventional femininity & i think it is very AVA the way she does it. she's giving the middle finger to it, she's shrugging at it. she's kissing gender on the mouth & girlbossing & also just being a little guy with her baseball cap turned around like ash ketchum. Ava silva 'gotta catch em' all' Silva but with the genders.

& yeah the fact that when beatrice is not in her habit she is wearing very masc clothing, putting her hands deep in her pockets, shirt collar sticking up out of her sweater. the outfit she wears to kick crimson in the face. the outfit from guttural scream fight night. her armour with its bandoleer of knives & her cute little throwing stars you use to hit soft tissues with pinpoint accuracy. the softness and the violence of her.

& you are so right. 'ppl tried to make me something i'm not' - you can imagine beatrice in the catholic school uniform with the pleated skirts and the soft v-neck jumper & the blazer & every teacher saying 'now girls' and 'please, girls' all the damn time. how electric it must feel to her to hear the word boy on her skin.

(& yeah. my first fic which is s1 beatrice POV i literally have a tag that's like beatrice is autistic & that's how i write her in everything. ligaments, star wars au bea they r all autistic. a part of it is... i am autistic so it ends up maybe being a situation where especially in second person it's hard not to write autistically but shrug emoji, i also just think bea reads very autistic to me. i have a whole bunch of my own feelings & opinions on what autism looks like w/ beatrice specifically but that's not for this post)

tldr: yes you are very smart and very right

[adamsvanrhijn]

i think thomas' story may be more immediately sympathetic because he's this guy with nothing who just really wants to survive, whereas one of oscar's primary goals is not just to survive (which like. is clearly one of his goals! not just continuing being rich but avoiding reputational death and ostracism for himself and his family) but also to get a bunch more money so he can continue living a life of immense luxury. however i get the hunch that oscar dislikers probably are not also thomas fans (tell me if im wrong?) so i don't think it's just that. you're so right that thomas gives the viewer a lot of space to imagine his motivations though and leeway for interpretation. this is kind of getting off the oscar train, but i recently read the well of loneliness and felt like in many ways, the way radclyffe hall describes the main character's constant sense of being apart and separate and how she always feels like she's being laughed at or mocked even when she is not (there's this really affecting scene where she's on a hunt and starts to envision herself as the fox), which makes it very hard for her to essentially show off her good qualities when she's interacting with "straight society." i thought that this is essentially thomas' mindset and situation that drives his bad decision-making. the well of loneliness is definitely coming from that tradition of the gay person as part of a "third sex" (hall's words) that is forced to stand apart and is alienated bc of their intrinsic difference. oscar as a character is nothing like this because he doesn't have this conception of his sexuality or himself as an "other," which is explicitly discussed in the show to their credit!! but is perhaps still hard for the modern viewer who thinks about sexuality in terms of identity to relate with. i'm sorry about this super long ask lol i'd put it in the replies but my replies are broken </3

oh yes absolutely i think that in general the class aspect is Huge — both of them are, for most modern viewers i would expect, at two ends of the spectrum with lots of associated social ideas that serve the perception of their character — generally not in oscar's favor but not necessarily in thomas's either! like i think you're right that thomas is more sympathetic in general for his social position and what he does and doesn't Have, and i suspect the authorial intent is for viewers to feel that way given how thomas is presented literally from day one... but at the same time, on the flip side, a lot of people perceive thomas the same way that in the show, the others at downton abbey do: that his unwillingness to Know His Place is something worthy of criticism, and that he thinks he is entitled to things he doesn't really deserve, and that he should be able to settle for what he has and any desire not to do this is unreasonable or unrealistic of him and unlikely to turn out in his favor—and that is a sentiment that even devout thomas fans have aligned with as well.

some of those thomas fans have been vocal about their distaste for oscar.

i haven't read the well of loneliness in a very very long time but that's a compelling comparison — i mean da 2.02 alone speaks volumes about how thomas sees himself and his position in the world, and i think that aligns with what you're saying here.

i also think when we talk in terms of identity and self-definition, oscar is an interesting position in that, as you say, he doesn't conceptualize himself and his behavior as being intrinsic to his sense of self, and resists this when it is posed to him, but...

practically, he clearly does recognize that he is in a particular position that is related to his feelings and his behavior! "plenty of men have had to make exactly the same decision; they can't all be wretched" (not an exact quote i cba to look it up) in 1.03 i would say is the first instance of this, and then of course we have the everything of 1.08 — his calling out the difference between what he is doing and what he isn't doing, and recognition of the social consequences of this. like i think oscar is very careful not to other [verb] himself... but he is very extremely aware of how he might be othered by those in his community whose good opinion matters for him to lead the life he wants to lead. it's not quite that the box doesn't exist; the box does exist and he wants to stay away from it at all costs, while at the same time wanting to live his life in a way that is comfortable for him.

there's the material piece of that of course but also like... oscar is choosing to make choices that are likely to result in his being perceived a certain way. could he not Simply Not Do That? it's an interesting dimension to his character that clearly the answer for him is no, he can't just Not Do That (and as gay people all the world over know, it's not simple or easy to compromise yourself that way at all), while he also very desperately wants to have and exceed what everyone else has and to be perceived in a way that is going to at times be at odds with how he is actually presenting himself to the world.

[onewomancitadel]

Given the theme of controlling magical powers and the control of magical lineage (the whole thing with Ozpin priming a Maiden successor, Ironwood imitating this) effectively subverting 'the point' of the powers (organic gifts, self-determining, non-gameified) both in-universe and narratively, I think it is an organic conclusion to assume that this was true of the silver eyes. Effectively 'breeding' more warriors (which... gets borderline eugenicist quickly, but that's not really the thing R/WBY would be interested in; it's more the gameification of the power against its actual intended purpose) in the same way that Salem took to simply culling them and later turning them into her pet alchemical subjects.

Actually, that Salem took that approach at all is quite telling; it's the sort of thing you sit there asking, 'Hey, why didn't the bad guy just do x?' when you're not reading the narrative really correctly, but it is intentionally doing something thematically. If Ozpin and Salem have both got it wrong in the same way, then clearly someone else needs a better answer, and it's not simply going to be 'fixed' by doing it his way.

Which is why I think Summer had Ruby to pass on the silver eyes. Summer is the 'failed' heroine (who is a source of inspiration and then disillusionment for Ruby, so that she might grow beyond it) and team STRQ were - well, Raven literally said as much - the team R/WBY of their generation. So I think it is absolutely very likely that in the way that team STRQ failed - includes a failure to ever fix this relationship to magical powers in the story. Of course, it's not like Summer didn't end up loving Ruby (or Yang by extension); the idea here is that she couldn't resist that, and that's part of the conflict. How could Summer stay with her baby, whom she's condemned to being a silver-eyed warrior, when there's Salem to fight? And that was the very reason she had one at all? That is like, actually meaty conflict. Summer having a child borne of ostensibly practical purpose in contrast to Raven's borne of love, where both of them wrestled with it and made different decisions, is actually really interesting. Even more interesting that I was right Raven knew of Summer's disappearance. They both each had to contend with the reality of motherhood in the face of Salem.

As I have gestured to this interpretation in the past, this explains the slightly weird dynamic of team STRQ - and obviously with Volume 9, this explains the implication of subterfuge with Summer's relationship to Tai. Because I do think there is more to Summer on this front, and it wasn't a storybook romance. I'm not trying to say it 'wasn't' real, but we've already been shown it has more tooth to it than at first glance. I also personally think it's fucking weird Tai had a kid with both Raven and Summer, and this feels like the only explanation (rebound and SEW progeny and subterfuge) which tonally fixes it. If it's 'shitty romance with Raven, then pure amazing tragic romance with Summer' it's just... not very interesting to me, both in giving complexity to Raven ('complicated') and to Summer (more than a Madonna). That the emotional dynamics of team STRQ are a total mess is also probably to do with their general protagonist failure shenanigans (Tai and Qrow visibly don't seem to get along much anymore; Qrow and Raven have ostensibly denounced each other; Raven and Summer had a peculiar rapport; etc.) and at least team R/WBY is keeping it relatively straightforward in that department.

But also that Summer's love for Ruby is partly what drives Ruby's power altogether is part of the ironic answer here. It was never purely about having kids to pass on the powers; it is about something deeper and more emotional than that because the power is symbolic. This higher awareness, I want to say, that the characters have of these powers, and the narrative consequences of that, are explicitly being unpacked and redeemed. This is basically the answer to people who write bad theories on Reddit which ignore narrative logic lol.

If Summer really is a Grimm-human abomination still, then the cure - Ruby's silver eyes - will be Ruby recognising and loving her mother, not the mere lineage of the silver eyes. She can't just use them like laserbeams to kill evil monsters. So, in a way, there is an ironic balm to Summer's intentions to pass on the powers. Because her daughter loves her (and forgives her).

I think that this is equally true of the Maiden powers - in that it is never strictly about 'who's the next Maiden?' game that people want to play, that characters like Ozpin and Ironwood literally play and handpick the successor. So we've seen this before, and we'll continue to see it. It's quite telling that Ruby and Cinder both have the potential to redeem (or have begun to redeem) these ideas.

[yesimwriting]

The Promise of Rain, blurb 2

The Promise of Rain (part 2?? technically) 

A/n I was not originally planning a second part for this but some people wanted it and this idea came to me and it works better with the context of ‘The Promise of Rain’ but it can technically be read as a stand alone :))

Anyways this might turn into a small series of kinda connected blurbs that are all kind of canon with each other but aren’t necessarily connected except for the reader’s background (the reader is a very sunshine-y person and knows Kaz bc she’s a runaway princess that he was hired to bring back home but she managed to convince him to let her work for him instead)

--

The night air had left me with a chill that made me want nothing more than to have my covers draped over me as I read. I’m normally more sociable after a job, especially after such a simple and safe ending, but a lot of tonight had left me wanting to be alone. 

Well, not truly alone. The company of my books is always welcomed, but tonight I can’t seem to find much comfort within the pages. After almost every paragraph, I find myself distracted by gusts of wind and thoughts of the heavy, silver clouds that seem to make up tonight. A part of me longs for the rain. I know it’s ridiculous to expect rain each time I desire some sense of comfort, but that doesn’t mean I don’t want it. Especially when the sky so clearly implies it. 

“This must be the fifth time I’ve come here and you’ve been reading.” Kaz’s sudden appearance is almost enough to shake away my lingering somberness. 

I roll my eyes slightly, turning my attention back to the page in front of me. “That observation is just a testament to how often you come in here.” 

His glare is half hearted, a look I’d find endearing if I was less annoyed. “Where else am I going to find a reminder that good people exist in Ketterdam?” 

I think he may have a sixth sense that warns him when I’m treading the line between being annoyed and displeased. Everytime I find myself mad at him in a way that makes me want to avoid him instead of yell at him, Kaz makes some ridiculously heart-melting comment. He steps further into the room. I don’t miss the way he eyes my stretched out legs. Ever since the conversation we had after he woke up after an injury, we’ve fallen into the unmentioned habit of silently inviting the other to stay by moving to make room for them. 

It had started the day after the conversation in which Kaz had admitted that he wanted me to stay with him. He had been sitting on the small couch while discussing the details of a job. Shortly after I walked in he made a point of shifting so that he was clearly on one side of the couch. I didn’t think much about sitting down, but Inej and Jesper exchanged a look. 

Now, though, I keep my legs stretched out on the bed. He eyes my position on the bed, something grim crossing his features. 

“It might rain tonight.” 

He knows me so damn well. I hate it. “I hope so.”

I turn my head, analyzing the way the world seems to be on the cusp of something. I stare at the silver clouds until I feel something hard tap my leg. The tap is firm but not painful. I’m quick to look at Kaz as he lowers his cane. The mention of rain had been a distraction. 

“You distracted me on purpose.” 

“The first rule of the Barrel is to always be prepared.” There’s a slight uptilt to his lips, something I’ve learned to interpret as a sign of teasing. 

How is he so easy to be around one second and so cold the next? I resist a smile. “I’ll take notes.” 

Kaz ignores my passive aggressive tone. His focus seems to be on my legs that have still not moved to offer him a place next to me. “You wear your emotions too openly.” Great, he’s going to make us talk about it. “What reason could you possibly have to be mad at me?”

“I’m not mad at you.” It’s a partial truth. 

His expression harshens. “Don’t lie.” 

“I’m not thrilled with you, but I don’t think that’s the same as being mad.” 

Kaz lets out a partial sigh. “No, they’re not the same.” Such an early concession feels like a trap. “With you, the first option is worse.” I don’t have anything to say to that. “Is this because of what I said to Jesper?” 

My posture straightens on instinct. “He wants your validation more than he’d ever admit and I understand that expressing praise isn’t exactly something you do, but would it kill you to not actively insult him?” 

“I didn’t say anything that was wrong. He thinks he’s a gambler but he’s just someone born for losses.” The look I give him must mean something to him, because Kaz is quick to tact on, “That doesn’t make him less valuable of an asset or less relatively dependable.” 

I eye him cautiously, the slightest bit of vulnerability playing at his features. “Don’t look at me like that--and don’t tell me that. Jesper’s the one who could use the occasional reminder from you that you hold him to any regard with positive connotations.” His lips press together like he’s thinking about scolding me for scolding him. “It’s only because I know you care more about Jesper than you’d ever let on.” 

“Jesper’s esteem can handle the blow.” The curtness of his voice is a blow in its own sense. “And he didn’t exactly deserve to be in my good graces after what he did tonight.” 

My sigh is not weighted enough to match Kaz’s newfound fountain of emotion. “We were successful--”

“He left you.” I didn’t know Kaz’s voice was capable of such harshness. “I paired him with you, and he left you--and you almost didn’t make it.” I let the weight of his words take up all the available space in the room, keeping the silence that follows them until some of the heaviness has dissipated. “He could have cost me one of my best people.”

Oh. His harshness, his unwarranted coldness, had been a manifestation of his concern. For me. Guilt knots my stomach. Potential words that may offer Kaz some sort of support raise and die back down in my throat. Kaz turns towards the door. 

“Kaz.” He pauses. There’s a long moment in which I think he won’t turn around, but finally, he does. I tuck my legs beneath me, forcing myself to sit up a little straighter. “I told Jesper to leave because I knew the job would have failed if he had been trapped in that room with me.” I drop my gaze towards the window. “I was right, the job was successful, and I got out in time so it was worth it.”

“You risked your safety?” The harsh facet of his being is making its return in full force. 

“For the job,” I’m careful to keep my words factual, “It’s what we’re supposed to do.”

Kaz’s jaw locks. “When I said that keeping you near me would ruin you this is what I meant.” 

Is it really this big of a deal? I made it out. “Kaz.”

“This wasn’t my best idea.” His words are leached of anything. “You’re going back home. Tomorrow I’ll arrange the voyage myse--” 

“Kaz Brekker you may get to live your life doing anything you want but you don’t get to control mine.” My chin raises an inch, an instinctual act of subtle rebellion. “I am not going back there, even if I’m technically indebted to you because you didn’t return me to my father but that does not mean I’ll--”

“I’m not trying to control you.” His words are sharp, boarding on a yell. “A job like that one wasn’t worth you.” 

From Kaz, I know those words are heavy. There’s a lot of things I could say to that. I could tell him that I wanted to do something for him. I could say that I appreciate him telling me that. I could even say that in his own way, Kaz giving Jesper a hard time because he left me, is kind of cute in a misguided way. The thing is I think all of these responses will make things worse. 

“Kaz,” I keep my voice as steady as possible, “I’m fine, you’re fine, it all worked out.” Scratching the back of my arm, I exhale gently. “I’ll be more careful next time, I promise.” 

I watch him carefully, there’s a slight slump to his shoulders as he exhales. Is the fight leaving him so easily? He walks further into the room. “You better.” He sits down in the space I provided for him slowly. “If you’re not you’ll have worse things to worry about than anything that can happen to you on a job.” He moves his cane forward easily, tapping my knee in a swift motion. 

I roll my eyes at the mock threat. “They do say that there’s nothing to fear in the Barrel like the Dirtyhands.” 

“Remember that.” Any edge in his voice is forced. I fight against a smile that seems to always want to break across my face whenever I think I see something resembling lightness in Kaz. 

“I don’t think I could forget anything about you.” 

He turns his head slightly. “You should.” 

“Too bad.” 

Kaz leans his back against the wall, untensing slightly. “I think you just like disagreeing with me.” 

There’s no point in lying about it. “Only because when you argue with me you give me this really particular look.” 

“A look?” 

Adding insult to injury, I smile. “Sometimes you look like you’re too focused on being angry, like you’re compensating for something.” 

Kaz lets out a bitter sigh. “Maybe if you were less of a puppy I wouldn’t have to--”

The laugh that escapes is most definitely a mistake. “Did you just call me a puppy?” I don’t give him a chance to reply, laughter taking over again. “I mean this in the least argumentative way possible--but you’re so weird sometimes.” 

He rolls his eyes, tensing. “I’m leaving.”

I stifle the rest of my laughter. “No. I was--I was kidding!” I keep my eyes on Kaz, expecting some type of annoyed glare, but his expression is a lot more weighted than that. Odd. “Kaz?” 

“You need to be more careful.” I understand Kaz’s pause as something he does before saying something outside of his nature. “I’m not asking you this as a Crow or a Dreg.” 

On instinct, my posture straightens. “I promised and I meant it.” 

“Sometimes I wish I could believe in Saints,” his voice has taken off a distant quality, almost fragile, “That way I could believe something existed to help what matters.” 

Oh. “You never fail, even if I didn’t believe in Saints I’d believe in you.” 

“You’re wasting your faith.” The sound of lightning cracking is almost enough to make me jump. The rain finally came. 

I know I’ll never convince him that that’s not true. “I don’t think so, but that’s why it’s called faith.” 

“I have faith in some things.” His expression is far off. 

“Like what?” 

Kaz’s eyes find the window. “People that find meaning in the rain.” 

Something in my chest swells. “You’re like the rain.”

We sit there in silence, watching raindrops glide down the window. “What were you reading?” 

The question has me dropping my gaze to the forgotten book on my lap. “I stole this book from the palace before I left. It was my mom’s favorite, she’s read it so much the spine’s completely cracked and the cover is practically falling off.” 

“Hm…” He mumbles. “Read some, the books read in a palace must be worthwhile.” 

A part of me wants to tell him that elitism has no place in literature, but his request leaves me frozen. I nod once, turning to the first page of the book. “It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife--” 

“Your upbringing makes sense--” 

“You can’t judge it off the first sentence,” he’s insufferable, “It’s setting up irony, and if you’re going to complain--” 

He lets out a conceding sigh. “I’m listening, I’m not interrupting.” 

I keep my eyes on him for a second longer than I should. “Okay.” Dropping my gaze back to the book, I adjust my grip on the worn paperback, “Good.” 

And then I keep reading. 

--

@theincredibledeadlyviper @grishaverse7 @lonelystarship @mentally-in-northern-italy @uhanddreag 

[impalementation]

spike, angel, buffy & romanticism: part 1

I said a long ways back that I thought the switch from Angel to Spike as Buffy’s primary love interest represented an interesting evolution in the show’s attitude towards—and interrogation of—romanticism, and I finally felt like expanding on what I meant by that. This is very long, very meandering, and not terribly academic or well-edited, but I hope there’s something of interest in it nonetheless. It is about 20,000 words in total, and will discuss, in more or less chronological order, the arc of the show’s attitude towards romanticism as it is embodied in Spike, Angel, Buffy and Buffy’s relationships with both of them. I was going to release it as one long post, but because it’s so long, I figured a series of posts might be more readable. Here’s the first one.

* 

“When you kiss me I want to die”: Angel and the high school seasons

Both Spike and Angel are at once capital-R Romantic figures, and lower-case romantic interests, and in both cases that Romantic/romantic duality is what makes them such effective avatars for ideas around romanticism. In the case of Angel, the show is aware from the beginning that he is very much a Romantic idea of something. In “Welcome to the Hellmouth” Buffy describes him as “dark” and “gorgeous”, evoking the “tall, dark and handsome” cliche. He’s mysterious. He gives her a necklace and his coat, gestures out of high school romance fiction.* In “Out of Mind, Out of Sight” Giles lampshades the romance of him: “A vampire in love with a Slayer. It’s rather poetic, in a maudlin sort of way.” Initially, Angel is basically designed to be a teenage girl fantasy, and it’s no coincidence that his successors like Edward Cullen or Stefan Salvatore conform to similar tropes.

*(Think of how five seasons later, a vampire will give Dawn his letterman jacket in “All the Way”. It’s hard not to read as a deliberate echo of Angel’s gift in season one. Once again, a vampire makes romantic gestures towards a high school version of “Buffy”, and later turns on her. But more on this much later in the series.)

The difference between Angel and those other, more typical Supernatural Romance love interests however, is that the show ultimately attempts to subvert the romance of him. As part of its commentary on Gothic themes, season two makes Angel more Romantic than ever (the Claddagh, the tormented past), and makes the romance between him and Buffy central to the story in a way it wasn’t in season one. And then, of course, the season tears it all apart. The first time we learn what Angel did to Drusilla it’s horrifying, but still somehow abstract. Something that seems more like it’s meant to contribute to Angel’s dangerous, Byronic image. As in, something to make him more Romantic. And then suddenly it becomes real. Suddenly, it’s something that Angel could do to Buffy, or the people Buffy cares about. It turns out that his darkly romantic aura was not just an aura, but genuinely dark all along.

In turn, Angel’s devastating transformation is a metaphor for broader disillusionment about romantic ideas. It’s less to me about a “guy going bad after sex”, and more about what it means and feels like to have the scales fall from one’s eyes in that sort of situation. As Buffy copes with the fallout of Angel’s transformation, and later is forced to kill him, I see it as being about the tragedy of having to see the world in ways that are less simple, easy, or pretty as one gets older. As Buffy and Giles say in “Lie To Me”:

BUFFY: Nothing's ever simple anymore. I'm constantly trying to work it out. Who to love or hate. Who to trust. It's just, like, the more I know, the more confused I get. 

GILES: I believe that's called growing up. 

For more on this, I recommend this livejournal post on “Lie To Me”, which goes into great depth on the way season two frames stories as pretty lies that one needs to look beneath, and how Buffy’s romanticization of Angel symbolizes that.

The whole arc of the season is Buffy’s failure to see the danger presented by Angel. In this opening scene that danger is foreshadowed. More to the point for this essay, Angel goes on to lie to Buffy about having encountered Drusilla. He doesn’t want Buffy to know about the nature of Angelus – which means that his first inclination is to mask the danger he presents to Buffy. This is one episode after Halloween, where Buffy’s romantic fantasies about what Angel wants (a damsel) nearly get her killed. Nor is she completely over those fantasies, as she notes that the mystery woman talking to Angel had a pretty old-fashioned dress. So against the backdrop of Buffy’s fantasies about her dark and mysterious boyfriend we have the truth about what he is, which is quite horrifying.

Season three then takes this to another level, by not just pointing out the darkness of the romance of Angel, but in fact puncturing his romantic image. Instead of emphasizing his dangerousness, as season two did, season three emphasizes his adulthood. It emphasizes the way that Angel is someone Buffy sees in secret, or away from her friends. He’s not integrated with her teenage, high school life, and doesn’t fit with the peppy, high school movie aesthetic that characterizes a lot of season three. By doing this, the writing indicates that at this point in their lives, Buffy and Angel are ultimately incompatible and holding each other back. Regardless of however much they might care for each other, Angel can’t fully appreciate her teenage longings like dances, and college, and having a boyfriend. And Buffy can’t fully appreciate his adult need to find himself on his own terms. By the end of season three, Angel is less of a shadowy, tragic figure, and more just an adult man who needs to finally grow up a bit.

Season three also starts making jokes where the punchline is that Angel isn’t living up to the romantic aesthetic he embodied in seasons one and two. In “Helpless”, for example, he and Buffy have an exchange where he waxes sincerely about wanting to “keep [her heart] safe, to warm it with [his own]” and although Buffy says the sentiment is beautiful, a second later she deadpans: “Or taken literally, incredibly gross.” To which Angel replies, “I was just thinking that, too.” Or in “Graduation Day, Part 1”, Angel trips on a doorway instead of making a silent entrance and Buffy again deadpans: “Stealthy.” Angel’s romance slips at moments when Buffy herself is feeling weak, either because she has lost her Slayer powers, or she’s investigating the scene of her sister Slayer’s crime. Her Romantic Slayer half is betraying her, and her romantic girlish half is feeling insecure. This is echoed by the reminder that Angel is no longer a straightforward fantasy man--or a terrifying, larger-than-life villain--but a guy who is sometimes both verbally and physically inelegant. 

(Notice how one of the few times season two makes similar jokes about Angel it’s in “Lie to Me”, the very same episode that begins to peel off the layers of deceptions and unknowns about him. Angel slumps around Willow’s bedroom and jokes about “honing [his] brooding skills”, he insists that the vampire wannabes know nothing about vampires right before a guy walks by wearing his exact outfit, and Xander runs color commentary, saying “you’re not wrong” after each of Ford’s observations. In “Lie to Me” one of Angel’s hidden faces is his dangerousness, yes. But another hidden face is simply his human awkwardness.)

There’s an interesting Slayage piece by Elizabeth Gilliland that discusses the idea of Angel as a Gothic double for Buffy, specifically connecting him to the story of Jekyll and Hyde. It argues that Angel’s split identities represent Buffy’s fears that her human and Slayer halves are irreconcilable, and she cannot fully control either half. In season three, the fact that Buffy and Angel must continuously resist a loss of control with each other, and are treated as romantically incompatible, reflects this fear. 

In Season Three, replete with various factors in Buffy’s life that threaten to put her role as Slayer and girl into imbalance once more [...] Angel once again returns [...]. The season culminates in an attempted attack on Buffy’s classmates during graduation, which essentially forces her to “out” herself to her community and combine her roles as Slayer and daughter, classmate, and friend for the first time publicly (“Graduation Day: Part 2” 3.22). The worst has happened: her secret has been revealed, the entire school knows about both of her personas, and she has not only survived, but emerged with a stronger sense of self [...] Buffy has conquered her first Gothic fear, and proven to herself that she can not only exercise control over both dualities of her persona, but allow them to peacefully co-exist. Thus, Angel’s continuing struggle with Angelus can no longer act as her shadow, and he literally and metaphorically leaves her to continue the rest of her journey.

It’s an interpretation I mostly agree with, and see a lot of evidence for. But in keeping with the focus of this series, I think you could also read Angel as embodying a duality between the romantic and the unromantic. In this view, Buffy’s struggle between her human and her Slayer halves is not just a struggle between personas, but a struggle to see the world correctly. In season one, it’s not Angel that revives Buffy in “Prophecy Girl”, because Angel is a vampire trope just like the Master. He cannot help her, because he is exactly the kind of traditional romantic concept--like a candle-lit cavern, an ancient Nosferatu-looking vampire, or a Chosen Hero duty--that Buffy is trying to escape. In season two, loss of control is specifically associated with passion, romance, and romanticism. Buffy’s human half longs for the romantic, but her Slayer half, and Angel’s vampire half, prove that sometimes the romantic is something dangerous and violent. The fact that Buffy’s Slayer identity and Angel’s Angelus identity both end up being outed by the end of the season (especially to Joyce, a figure of Buffy’s human home life), echoes Buffy’s loss of innocence. Season three then continues this suspicion of passion. Buffy fears that like Faith, enjoying the violence and power and desire of being a Slayer, means that she will go down a dark path. She also fears that indulging in her sexual and romantic desire for Angel will unleash Angelus. To some extent, these fears are even borne out, given that her love for Angel results in her attempted murder of Faith, and near death at Angel’s hands. But to some extent they also aren’t, given that she, Faith and Angel all live. 

To me, what really gets resolved at the end of season three is not quite the issue of Buffy’s human and Slayer halves, given that Buffy will continue to struggle with that duality until the end of the show. Rather, what gets resolved is the need for binaries. Binaries are romantic things. When Giles gives his speech to Buffy at the end of “Lie To Me”, it is the language of binaries that he uses:

GILES: Yes, it's terribly simple. The good guys are always stalwart and true, the bad guys are easily distinguished by their pointy horns or black hats, and, uh, we always defeat them and save the day. No one ever dies, and everybody lives happily ever after. 

BUFFY: Liar.

In season three, Buffy thinks she must resist both Faith and Angel. She thinks she can only be either a human girl or a Slayer leader. Many plots in season three have to do with the danger of binaries, whether that’s the witch-hunting parents in “Gingerbread”, Willow dealing with her vampire self in “Doppelgangland”, the various alter-egos in “Beauty and the Beasts”, or Cordy choosing a Buffy-less world in “The Wish”. And no character in the Buffyverse embodies the concept of binaries so starkly as Angel does. Thus by the end of season three, Buffy collapses the binaries within herself by merging the human and Slayer parts of her life, as Gilliland observes, and taking on Faith’s traits. She acknowledges her shadow by kissing her tenderly on the forehead, and bids farewell to the illusions and binaries that Angel embodies. Buffy is leaving that part of her life behind, and starting a new chapter where she can no longer split either the world, or herself, into any one thing or another.

part 2: “Love isn’t brains, children”: Enter Spike as the id

[anthemxix]

So... how far did Cia go exactly? I haven’t played hw but I’ve read several fics, and she’s always very... extreme.

hi anon! thank you for your ask!

by “extreme,” i’m thinking you mean stories where she’s a psycho who tortures link or forces unwanted sexual advances on him. which makes for fantastic angst! but that characterization of cia has never felt quite authentic to me.

in the game, she has a roomful of his portraits, like a shrine. that’s extreme. she technically starts a war because of him, which is very extreme, but i don’t think that’s about lusting after him, as people often joke. she says some off-putting stuff, and you could infer that she behaves in an inappropriately “seductive” way, but. she doesn’t really. do anything, like fics might imply. she’s creepy and lewd. i’m sure she makes him uncomfortable as hell. but as for what she does, the extremeness in fics is mostly fan extrapolation.

that’s my short answer! but i kinda got carried away while responding to this, and. um. wrote a lengthy character analysis of cia? XD i thought about not including it, but i spent so much time thinking about/writing this that i’ll go ahead and share.

in my opinion, hw does not present a clear picture of cia, and it skews fan interpretation of her.

(putting this under a cut because it got long 😅)

the story the game gives at the start is straightforward. there's a "guardian of time" (whatever that means) who watches over everything but never interferes. she admires the purity of the hero's spirit. she comes to love the heroes, then to want them. she's lonely. she doesn't want to just watch anymore. she wants to experience love.

gradually her desires become something darker. she doesn't only want the companionship, she wants to possess.

ganon sees this darkness in her heart and causes a split. the darkness separates from her, becomes its own person (a la dark link). the "good" part is lana, the "bad" part is cia.

for ganon, this is all part of a larger plan. in hw, his spirit is divided into four fragments that have been sealed away in different eras. he manipulates cia and gets her to open time gates so he can gather all the fragments together. a key fact: one of the fragments has been sealed away by the master sword, so ganon needs a hero to draw the sword.

cia willingly allows herself to be ganon's pawn because in so doing, in starting a war to force the hero to emerge, she thinks she'll get what she wants. throughout the story, she gives more and more of herself to ganon, fracturing her own spirit further and further, because she is so desperate to claim the hero for herself, to own him. lana repeatedly warns her to stop before she does irreparable damage to herself, but she doesn't listen, and ultimately she...well, dies, i guess. fades from existence. (that's how the original hw ending goes. they added stuff on later that changed this.)

ok, so. we have some interesting stuff going on here. arguably, cia is a tragic figure. a victim even. her underlying motivation is loneliness. viewing it through this lens, the story becomes an exploration of what isolation does to a person. how desperate it can make us. how we become willing to sacrifice anything for love--and i mean "love" broadly, not in a romantic sense. how it makes us vulnerable to manipulation and abuse.

let's also not forget the whole reason she focuses on the hero's spirit to begin with. after witnessing all the atrocities of history, she admires the purity and goodness and self-sacrifice of the hero. it has nothing to do with link being attractive. in her temple (the temple of souls), she has statues of different heroes from different eras, including wolf link and oot/mm link. she is certainly not lusting after an animal or a child, i assure you.

so why does she have frickin portraits of hw link, specifically, (not any other hero's spirit incarnations) plastered all over her walls, if not for lusty purposes? why does she dress so damn seductively? i'm not claiming lust isn't part of it, but i think there's more. she wants to feel surrounded by him, you know? she wants to feel like he's looking at her the same way that she looks at him--with desire. it's delusion.

and holy hell, she's nothing if not deluded. some examples of her actual in-game dialogue: "no matter what betrayals I may suffer, at least I know the hero will always love and protect me." and [to herself, as she's losing a fight] "the hero is still by my side... the hero is still by my side..."

and it's sad. she pretends that he loves her, that he will protect her, because she doesn't have any real love in her life. she doesn't have anyone.

and what's even sadder is that she's condemned to all these feelings and delusions because that's who she is. she is corruption and darkness personified! she's doomed to this lonely hell, to being ganon's servant, to self-destruction.

that's how tragedy, and tragic figures, are defined: hubris. characters that have an innate flaw that inevitably leads to their downfall. that's what a traditional tragedy is.

don't get me wrong here. i'm not saying she had no choice, or that she had to start a war. she can be tragic and we can sympathize with her while also accepting the fact that she's corrupted beyond redemption. morality isn't black-and-white. our understanding of characters, or of real people, isn't black-and-white.

...but. BUT. there is a major "but" here. the game sabotages its own character and its own story. the game opts for the path of least resistance. screw grey areas of morality, screw the tragedy of loneliness, screw exploring vulnerability and abuse and hubris... they sensationalize. cia is a joke.

have you seen her frickin outfit? her character design? she's an uber-sexualized caricature. all those portraits of link in her temple can easily be viewed as a joke, too. "lol, look at this crazy, horny bitch." hell, they even have her say innuendos about the master sword, like, “come show me what your sword can do” or something to that effect. 🙄

it's all very surface level. they don't go deep at all with cia. they give us no substance, only these little bread crumbs of information that i've laid out for you. and not only that, they set this up so that it feeds into old stereotypes. the salient details easily allow us to interpret cia, consciously or not, as an embodiment of feminine hysteria, a woman guided by irrational emotion and obsession, fixated on winning the ultimate prize of a man's love.

so koei tecmo's own confused presentation of this character muddles up fan interpretation and has us falling back on the familiar stereotypes we know and understand. that’s the basis for these depictions of cia as extreme. that’s what fans are extrapolating from when they try to imagine how she might act or what she might say. so in the end, she isn’t really depicted with accuracy. she’s like a caricature of a caricature at that point.

…or at least, that’s my opinion. 🥴

[caffeinatedseri]

Dazai and No Longer Human’s Yozo

It’s no secret that BSD’s Dazai draws heavily from his real life counterpart, especially from his semi-autobiographical work: No Longer Human. To preface, No Longer Human is written from the perspective of the main character Yozo, with the book itself being a documentation of Yozo’s notebooks (essentially his journals) throughout his life. 

As you progress through the novel, it becomes increasingly clear that Yozo lives an extremely two-sided life; his foolish personality acts as a facade to others in attempts to hide the darker nature within him. 

Dazai shares that obvious similarity with Yozo, but Dazai is characterized in a somewhat vague and mysterious way that leaves a lot of his inner thoughts up to interpretation and inferences. Thus, I’ll be going through some of my favorite quotes from No Longer Human and analyzing Dazai’s character through his similarities to Yozo.

(For the sake of readability, excerpts from No Longer Human will be in pictures, and quotes from the light novel will be in regular block quotes).

Dazai and Yozo’s Participation in Clownery

To start off, Dazai noticeably participates in the same “clowning” as Yozo, which in particular stands out with PM Dazai.

““How did your leg get hurt?” I pointed to the bandages, thinking that it must be the result of some violent fight. “I was reading a book titled ‘How to Prevent Accidental Injuries’ while walking when I accidentally fell into a ditch.” I wasn’t expecting such an abnormal response.” — LN 2, Osamu Dazai and the Dark Era (Oda’s POV)

This is pretty standard Dazai behavior, but the interesting part is how Yozo specifically used the word “deceiving.” If we were to assume Yozo’s true thoughts are Dazai’s as well, then it would imply that Dazai feels as if he’s manipulating people with his absurd claims (such as the above). However, in actuality, his clownish behaviors sound more like a joke, or some type of self-deflection, rather than an attempt to manipulate people. (Yozo also states that he would often incriminate himself by overexaggerating certain things, but I don’t think Dazai does that).

The second statement Yozo makes implies that he doesn’t care about ethics, morality, or the supposed “right way” of living life that’s described as “righteousness.”

Yozo’s statement on “righteousness” parallels Dazai’s in Dark Era, but Dazai’s statement carries a slightly different sentiment. Rather than being indifferent to the likes of morality, Dazai says that he’s “hated” by the concept of morality. 

I’ll be speculating a bit here → It’s heavily implied that Dazai had some sort of dark past that led him to joining the mafia, since he was already suicidal prior to doing so. This suggests that something affected his life so drastically to the point where he could no longer trust in such things as “righteousness,” because righteousness has wronged him in the past.

First, Yozo expresses his fear of people discovering his true nature under the mask of clownery, which would then lead to them pestering him for further inquiry. However, his real fear is that people would mistake his true nature as another part of his typical clownery.

More so than before, this attitude reminds me more of Dazai in the agency, rather than him in the mafia. Even though Dazai danced around darker topics in his conversations with Oda, he was still able to talk about them without much conflict. However, in the agency, Dazai doesn’t talk much about himself or any of his personal issues at all. 

Although this scene has comedic overtones, it’s interesting to see that no one would help Dazai if he was actually dying. Still, it could be argued that the other agency members knew it was just Dazai’s regular antics. (or that Dazai wouldn’t die in the first place). 

This scenario repeats itself another time when Dazai gets kidnapped by the mafia, and the other agency members kind of just brush it aside. As much as they may trust Dazai to take care of himself (which I’m sure he can do), it’s worrying that the other members may not be open to Dazai’s possible attempts at reaching out for help, if he were ever to make one. 

In LN 4, 55 Minutes, Atsushi addresses this issue by asking Dazai why he wants to kill himself, but the answer is left open-ended, with Atsushi himself not remembering the answer (or if Dazai even did answer). You could interpret Dazai’s change from his time in the PM as an improvement of his mental state — which I have no doubt that has happened — but Dazai needs to face his issues head-on if he truly wanted to reconcile with his past.

“Perhaps someone should persistently tie Dazai up, open the lid over his chest and stuff the head of a vacuum cleaner in. They have to let Dazai, who should be screaming in pain and resisting, settle down. Following which, the difficult things in his heart must all be dragged out under the sun and stepped on mercilessly.“ — LN 2, Osamu Dazai and the Dark Era

Oda, the man who understood Dazai more than anyone else could at the time, even specifically stated that the pain in Dazai’s heart must be forcefully dragged out, because he knew that this would ultimately be the most beneficial for Dazai’s sanity.

Throughout No Longer Human, Yozo is often misunderstood by others, or other people simply don’t care about him.

When Dazai goes to visit Oda’s grave in Dead Apple, Atsushi finds him and assumes that he’s visiting the grave of someone important to him, as an act of respect or remembrance, something of the sort. However, Dazai makes the automatic assumption that his “clownish words of deceit” (as stated by Yozo) will always be prioritized over the truth, which is why he chooses to brush off his actions as a joke. 

Although I made the point earlier that the agency members don’t give Dazai opportunities to open up about himself, Atsushi is notably different, similarly to Oda, because he’s able to take Dazai seriously and persist even through his antics. 

Atsushi takes Dazai’s act of visiting a grave seriously, even when Dazai plays it off, because he knows Dazai is a person just like anyone else. This understanding between them leads to Dazai telling Atsushi about Oda, thereby allowing Dazai to divulge a crucial part of his past.

Dazai and Yozo’s Friendships

Similarly to Yozo, Dazai’s attempt at “disentangling” himself from these relationships only serves to wear him out in the end. However, they also slightly differ in a way: Yozo is unable to form any friendships for his whole life, but Dazai had Oda. I would argue that Oda was Dazai’s only friend, mostly because of this quote:

“Odasaku understood him far beyond what Dazai had ever thought. He had already reached close to his heart, the place near the center of his heart. Before this, Dazai had never noticed there was someone who understood him so well. For the first time in his life, Dazai wanted to know something from the depths of his heart.” — LN 2, “Osamu Dazai and the Dark Era”

Oda was special to Dazai because Oda was able to understand him — maybe even more than Dazai could understand himself — which is why Oda is the only person that Dazai asks for advice from. 

However, Dazai does the same thing as Yozo when he “plays the clown” as a form of self-protection from such valuable friendships. (which is probably preventing him from becoming closer to the rest of the agency).

“Things that we don’t want to lose will definitely be lost. Now that it has come to this, I have no more feelings anymore. Things worth pursuing will always disappear the moment before you get them. Nothing is worth prolonging a painful life to pursue.” — LN 2, “Osamu Dazai and the Dark Era”

Interestingly enough, Dazai says this when Ango is revealed to be a spy — before Oda dies. If Dazai was in this state of distress from Ango’s betrayal, you could only imagine how devastating Oda’s death was. 

Dazai speaks as if he’s speaking from experience, which suggests that he’s faced a similar loss in the past. Despite this implied experience, he still became friends with Oda (and Ango to an extent), fully knowing that it would only bring him pain in the end. Dazai's statement here acts more as a front that makes him sound cold and detached from the situation, only to hide how he truly feels about losing one of his only friends. 

To give some context to this passage, Yozo’s partner, Yoshiko, had been sexually assaulted by a coworker, of which Yozo attributes the cause to her overly trusting nature. Thus, this leads to Yozo’s belief that trustfulness is inherently wrong or creates weakness.

Dazai’s hesitance to form friendships most likely stems from this same inability to trust others like Yozo, but Dazai does trust a few people, namely Chuuya, Oda, and Atsushi.

With Chuuya, there’s a different type of trust between him and Dazai. Their impeccable trust is obviously a key factor in their partnership as SKK, but there’s a certain limit with this trust. They certainly trust each other in battle, but I’d argue that this trust doesn’t extend to their personal business. 

As of now, we don’t know a lot about how SKK interacted with each other during their time in the mafia (which could change with the new LN), but I doubt PM Dazai would feel comfortable with confiding in Chuuya with anything because they (kind of) hated each other. The level of trust required for a friendship would involve a mutual understanding between two people, but Chuuya and Dazai haven’t necessarily shown us that they were able to do that.

Dazai essentially broke his trust with Chuuya by leaving the mafia on a whim, but he also intentionally antagonized himself to try to make Chuuya hate him.

This scene also has comedic overtones, but it suggests something a bit sadder about Dazai. There are possibly two motivations as to why Dazai chose to do this: (or a mix of the two)

1. Dazai didn’t want Chuuya to be incriminated as his accomplice when he became an enemy of the mafia.

2. Dazai wanted to push Chuuya away because Oda — Dazai’s most trusted friend — had just died. As a form of self-protection, Dazai broke whatever semblance of friendship he shared with Chuuya in order to prevent the same pain that came with Oda’s death. 

It’s also important to consider that trust is a 2-way street; both parties have to have the same level of trust in each other. Just like Yozo, if Dazai is unable to trust anyone, then he may have cut Chuuya off to protect him (since Chuuya may have trusted Dazai more than Dazai was able to reciprocate).

In contrast, Oda and Dazai have a level of unspoken trust that basically motivates Dazai to change his entire life. 

“Odasaku’s eyes radiate with conviction. The words are clearly said with some sort of strong basis. Is it past experience? Or perhaps someone’s suggestion? — He is trying to show Dazai the path he once walked. Dazai understands this. Dazai can trust it.“ — LN 2, “Osamu Dazai and the Dark Era”

Returning to Yozo’s question — “Is trustfulness a sin?” — Dazai answers it by showing us the strength of trust in this moment. Trust insinuates blind faith in another person, the willingness to believe someone else without logical reasoning, which makes it all the more important when PM Dazai — the genius prodigy who operates on a solely logical basis — is able to trust Oda and change his path in life. 

Atsushi is most likely the one that Dazai trusts the most in the agency, due to the aforementioned issues with the other members. However, it seems more like a budding trust that’s growing to become like Oda and Dazai, but it still requires Dazai to take that step forward to further their trust. 

Dazai and Yozo’s View of the World

In this scene, Yozo had made a decision for immediate gratification, but that choice caused him insufferable pain afterwards — supporting his belief that the world was a “place of bottomless horror.”

This parallels two of Dazai’s statements: one from Dark Era and one from Dead Apple.

“Please, take me with you. Wake me up from this rotten world of a dream. Come on, come on, come on!” — LN 2, “Osamu Dazai and the Dark Era”

(Dazai wasn’t talking about himself here, but the allusion sets up a situation where he can talk about himself indirectly — I talk about it more in my other post here)

We don’t really get a reason for why Dazai is suicidal, but from this we can infer that it’s something more complex than he makes it out to be — something like an issue deeply rooted within the world, with no easy solution. 

One could guess that this was the result of an unfortunate decision (like Yozo), or the realization that the world was simply a terrible place (possibly because no one cared for him as a kid and he had Mori as a “parental” figure instead).

Yozo expresses his lack of understanding in the compassion of human nature, but Dazai (as we know) seems to understand other people perfectly, as least enough to manipulate them.

However, this forms somewhat of a paradox: Dazai understands people so well to the point that he can’t understand them.

Dazai understands every flawed aspect of a human being — the tendency to manipulate, lie, kill, etc. — most likely because of his past as a young child. “Human beings never did teach” him the hopeful aspect of human nature  — the ability to love and cherish others.

Shibusawa in Dead Apple reflects this mindset, but take note of what Dazai says: “You wouldn’t be saying that if you actually had friends” — clearly a reflection of Dazai’s personal experience, by knowing how important friends are.

Yozo’s deathly fear of society tames itself when he comes to the realization that society is really just made up of a bunch of individuals working for their individual benefit, so he has no reason to fear society as a whole.

I don’t believe Dazai has this same fear of society, but he does reflect this individualistic mindset in the way he acts. Often enough, Dazai doesn’t tell anyone about his plans and would rather manipulate people into following such plans, even when it would be easier to cooperate. He always takes care of conflicts by himself, and by his standard.

Yozo’s fear of society possibly manifested into Dazai’s ostracization from society. More speculation here, but → My guess is that Dazai was alienated not only as a genius isolated for his intelligence, but also for his ability. There seems to be some division between regular society and ability-users’ society, but I can see Dazai being rejected by both because he’s the antithesis to all abilities. 

Regular society would either shun him like other users or attempt to exploit him for their personal gain (possibly for his intelligence AND his ability), or ability-users would see him as a threat and/or menace to their safety.

When Yozo considers a double suicide with his partner, he comes to this unsure conclusion of whether or not he actually wants to go through with it.

This reflects what Oda believes about Dazai:

“I thought you and Dazai were very similar, unable to see the value of your life, hoping for death, hence jumping into a world of violence and fighting. But that’s not the case. That guy is just a child who’s too smart. Just a crying child who’s been left alone in the darkness, a world of nothingness far emptier than the world we can see.“ — LN 2, “Osamu Dazai and the Dark Era”

At the end of the story, Gide and Oda are different from Dazai because they face an inevitable hopelessness. However, Dazai has a small spark of hope to live on that persists beyond the other two. 

This is represented in Dazai’s own statement to Oda, when Oda is set on walking to his death: “Go and rely on something, hope for something good to happen next, that something will definitely happen.” 

If anything, this sounds more like a plea to himself than to Oda, but it establishes an important point: hope is built upon the assumption that the future will treat your present desires well. Vice versa, hopelessness is built upon the expectation that the future will neglect your present desires.

It’s a bit wordy, so I’ll elaborate on. Right after Dazai says this line, they proceed to talk about their desires → Dazai wants to find a reason to live, so he joined the mafia; Oda wanted to become a novelist, so he didn’t kill anyone. 

Now, the difference between hope and hopelessness:

Oda feels hopeless because he expects that his present desire (to become a novelist) won’t be fulfilled in the future. By losing the one qualification that he felt he had to follow (not killing anyone), he no longer believes that he can become a novelist.

Dazai has hope because he assumes that his present desire (to find a reason to live) will be fulfilled in the future. He doesn’t know that for sure, but he persists onwards regardless of having full assurance or not. 

Dazai’s hope and trust in Oda brings him to where he is in the present, and takes him one step closer towards discovering his reason to live. 

[chicoriii]

Season 4, Episode 4 - Mr Pigeon 72

I have no idea where to start. This episode has some good things and some extremely stupid.

Marinette isn't still completely fine, but I prefer when she deals with it through being hyperactive than being a whining crybaby.

I know people don't agree with me, but personally I don't buy the whole revealing identity to Alya. It's not a problem with Alya herself, I would say the same about every single character who is not named Alix Kubdel at this point of the story. I haven't written anything in my post about Gang of Secrets, because I thought it would be undone in some way at the start of the next episode. The creators did nothing to explain why revealing identity of Ladybug to anyone was super dangerous and would result in a catastrophe in seasons 1-3 and the first two episodes of S4, but it's magically fine in episode 3. Only Alix made sense to me, as she will be the rabbit Miraculous holder, so she is destined to discover identities of everyone sooner or later and Marinette is aware of that. While it's not necessary to learn identity of anyone to other temporary Miraculous wielders, including Alya. Also that reveal hasn't been foreshadowed in season 3, while the show usually does it, especially if it's about something as important as that! More, in late S3, it's been shown that Alya still can't resist to not talking about Marinette's love life with Nino, despite she asked her to not do it. Now the girl, who is overly excited about superhero stuff, has no problems with even accidental revealing anything to Nino or someone else. She's even "stealing" Bunnix line that she's great at keeping secrets (sorry but you, the creators, haven't shown us that she's indeed is before!). This is why I think that reveal hasn't been planned before they started writing season 4.

But okay, I can deal with it, even if I don't buy it, but things these happened in Mr. Pigeon 72 are even more inconsistent with previous seasons. I have been worried about it, so it doesn't surprised me. For some reason Guardian related-things that have been kept in a secret before from everyone minus current Guardian and the future Guardian, are now fine being done in front of Kwamis (remember, they haven't been allowed to learn about making potions before!) and a civilian who is just a temporal Miraculous holder, not someone who is supposed to be trained to be a new Guardian. You can say - new Guardian, new rules, but why? Marinette has been portrayed as someone who respect authorities, she has never questioned any Fu's rules. It wasn't even said in the episode that she's going to change the rules. I hate that the writers don't even bother to explain us what's going on. Probably they don't bother about consistency, they think the audience is going to be too excited about Alya knowing Ladybug's identity and helping Marinette to question anything about it? How Alya could be allowed to learn the Guardian secrets? She is just best friend of the protagonist, she is not one of the main characters to get that special treatment. I makes zero sense to me. Especially since Su-Han will be introduced in episode 6 and he should help Marinette with understanding the Grimoire, Alya isn't necessary here for any other reason than fanservice.

In my opinion the way how they discovering how to make charms that protects from akumasitation was the most stupid thing that happened this season and one of the most in the whole show. Marinette who is the new Guardiand and portrayed as someone extreme intelligent and creative couldn't find the solution for days, but Alya with zero training magically discovered it in a few hours at worst. And when she told her the solution in not even very clear way, Ladybug did it immediately with no effort. That was so anticlimactic. At least the animation was fine, but other aspects of it was just a big disappointment, and I was looking forward for it. Thank goodness it's just the beginning of the season, I hope later important events of the season will be better written and portrayed.

Also I find it absurd that Rena Rough is walking with a page from the Grimoire like it's just an ordinary book and she's talking about it in front of a random civilian, like things that are written there are nothing special. She or Ladybug are not careful about Miraculous lore anymore. Not to mention that they are giving hints that Rena is very close to Ladybug in public, suspiciously close. And now with them being too careless, that's not hard to suspect that Rena Rouge is someone very close to Ladybug, maybe even as a civilian. Shadow Moth knows Rena Rouge's identity, and it's easy to him to learn who is Alya Cesaire's best friend if he doesn't know it yet, after all his son is in the class with her. Marinette has always been super careful and serious about her duties before, why that sudden change with zero explanation? It's just very out of character to her in my opinion.

I didn't like the akuma battle either, it's now the worst fight of the season in my opinion. It was so short and felt very lazy. I only liked that Plagg got some action and interaction with Ladybug (though it should be suspicious for her that he managed to reach to her that fast). He should be aware now that Alya knows Ladybug's identity but he acts like nothing happened. Not a word about it being unfair towards his kid or something, weird.

Thankfully the rest of the episode is generally more or less fun to me. It was nice to see Marinette and Kagami interacting again. I loved Kagami in the episode, although it was a bit weird to me that she isn't seemed to be affected by her breaking up with Adrien. Like her crush was very shallow, so she managed to recover herself from it very quickly. While it's been shown that Luka is hurt, despite Lukanette always seemed to be much more shallow than Adrigami in my opinion. But maybe it's because she's so down to earth, so being less emotional makes sense for her character. I liked how her attitude was opposite to Marinette's hyperactive: "No, I don't want to be in a relationship with Adrien again, he disappointed me, just let me live!!!". And she's another character who said that Marinette and Adrien are made for each other. I'm not surprised that Kagami sees it now when she tried to be with him and that didn't work. She's observant, sees more than many other characters. It seems she's an Adrienette shipper now. It's also good that her issue with Adrien wasn't resolved that easily and too fast. They need more time, but I'm sure they will be friends again.

So, we've gotten shirtless Adrien. I remember seeing a tweet of Thomas in which he answered to a question if there will be a beach episode and he said we will get something similar. I wonder if he meant this episode. Oh, they just remembered that Adrien is supposed to be allergic to feathers. It seems Adrien has allergic reactions only when it's somewhat related to the plot. When it's not, he's completely fine.

The reference to the famous Umbrella Scene™ out of nowhere in a random episode? It probably means something. I can see "reverse crush" supporters interpreting it as a proof to their theory, especially since this time Adrien did something clumsy and Marinette is laughing because of it (actually both of them). Or maybe because it's the first episode of season 4 with Marinette and Adrien interactions, they decided to be that much gracious for Adrienette fans, to compensate lack of it in the first three episodes. Oh wow, Marinette managed to propose spending more time together to Adrien without stuttering. Probably because she has done it spontaneously. Marinette is the most nervous when she's planning and thinking what could go wrong too much. This time she had no time to it, so it went more smoothly. It's like they building development of their relationship, but it didn't seem in Guiltrip (that's episode 11 chronologically) that something changed.

Seeing screenshot above, you can easily imagine how great friends they could be, being very comfortable around each other and laughing together, if not Marinette's anxiety. We need Adrienette development so much to get more moments like this.

Oh and I just realized that it's also one of the veeeeery few episodes with no real Ladynoir at all (the only other one I remember is Style Queen). So if there was no Adrienette it would be an episode without interactions of two main characters at all (although we almost got Ladrien). It could be another reason why this episode is that nice for Adrien and Marinette ship.

After seeing overly excited Marinette dancing in the rain, I can't believe she can manage completely give up on Adrien. It doesn't look like this at all.

Also we've seen three photos of Adrien wearing THAT scarf. It could not mean nothing different that foreshadowing that he's going to discover the truth about it somewhere this season. But I have no idea what Ladybug's mask with shining eyes could mean.

I don't know what to think about the episode. Despite absurd Guardian-related things, I still liked it much more than Gang of Secrets, but I have no idea if I generally enjoyed it more than other episodes of this season or not. At least it's an episode without stupid drama, which is amazing.

---------

I'm currently less active on social media, because my internet connection is very unstable, it often works very slowly to the point I'm not patient enough to visit Tumblr. Also I block spoiler tags again, because I don't want to see spoilers from the episodes those are going to be released very soon, as I feel that they reveal too much to me once more. We're currently in a marathon of the new episodes and since watching them is the more more enjoyable, the less I know about them, I decided to try avoid spoilers as much as I can. The only bad thing is that I can't be read discussions about the new episodes, reblog them and adding something from me until Optigami will be aired.

[hotshotsxyz]

Yes your writing is so cool!! If you ever have time my prompt would be sth along the lines of - what if Buck gets insecure abt whether or not people like him? Most of the time he knows the 118 loves him, but sometimes he feels like he's exhausting them. And there is that one time they joke abt sth but he interprets it wrong and gets his feelings hurt so he starts to withdraw. But they're having none of it and WHEN they figure it out? Oh boy, he gets showered with love. Maybe tears up a lil.

I finally did it!! Thank you so much for sending in a prompt, I really enjoyed writing it! I hope you like it!!

not then, not now

buddie (1.6k) (read it on ao3)

The thing is, Buck knows that when Chim’s jokes are a little more biting than usual, it’s because he’s dead on his feet. Having a baby at home will do that to you. He knows that when Hen ignores him in favor of her textbooks, it’s because she’s stressed and being pulled in too many directions all at once. When Bobby lectures him, it’s because he cares. When Eddie retreats in on himself and won’t talk to him, it’s because he’s had to be fiercely independent his entire life, and he still struggles with leaning on the people that care about him.

In his head, Buck knows all of these things. It’s like he told Maddie, though: sometimes, he just doesn’t feel like he can trust it. Objectively, he can point to a hundred times his teammates have shown him they love him. Hell, they’ve told him. But in those little moments, he doesn’t feel it.

(“Exhausting.”

“What makes you say that, Evan?” Dr. Copeland asks.

“Eddie said it once.” Buck squirms uncomfortably.

“Do you think he meant it?”

“No,” Buck says, looking away.

“How did it make you feel?”)

So he does little things to make them feel better, and he tries not to make it about himself. He makes a cup of tea for Hen and doesn’t try to bring up the article he read the night before. He offers to babysit for Chim and Maddie and makes sure to laugh at Chim’s jokes, even if he has to force it. He spots Eddie in the gym and pointedly doesn’t ask why his jaw’s been clenched for the better part of an hour. He helps Bobby in the kitchen and does his best to look contrite when he’s scolded for not leaving the fire fast enough, even though there’d still been a bedroom left to check.

It’s been that kind of week. Still, he can’t help but chatter excitedly on the way back from a call that involved a sinkhole, because, like, sinkhole! It’s the first one he’s ever seen, and maybe the only natural disaster he’s never been called to before.

Hen shakes her head (fondly, right?) and sighs. “You’re a walking, talking Wikipedia, you know that?”

“Yeah, one that never shuts up,” Chim jokes, elbowing her.

He doesn’t mean anything by it. Buck knows he doesn’t mean anything by it, but he snaps his mouth shut anyway and offers a sheepish smile. Eddie shoots a glare at Chim, which Buck appreciates, but honestly, he’s not wrong. He keeps quiet the rest of the ride.

The rest of the week, actually. They could all use a break from him, Buck’s sure of it. They love him, he knows that, but it doesn’t mean they want to deal with him 24/7. That’s fine. It is.

Eddie ambushes him in the locker room on Monday morning. They’re just coming off a 24-hour shift, and Buck’s barely keeping his eyes open. They’d had call after call, virtually nonstop, and the only thing he can even begin to think about is going to bed. So when Eddie asks him what’s wrong, he’s genuinely confused.

“M’fine,” Buck yawns. “Tired,” he amends.

Eddie chuckles softly. “Yeah, me too.”

“Pretty sure I could sleep for a week,” Buck says.

Eddie nods in agreement. “If you’re willing to trade a week for ten hours, you want to come over for dinner? I know Christopher would love to see you. He’s been dying to tell you about the book he’s reading in class. Something about extreme weather?”

Buck wants to go. Of course he does. And Eddie’s inviting him, which means he wants him there. It wouldn’t be too much. Still though… “I don’t want to take up your family time with Chris,” he hedges, pulling his duffle onto his shoulder.

Eddie frowns. “You’re family too, Buck. You know that, right?”

To Buck’s horror, his eyes begin to sting. The combination of his exhaustion, a week’s worth of walking on eggshells, and Eddie being nice, just like he always is, is about to push Buck over the edge.

“‘Course,” he says roughly. “I’ll be there.”

Eddie narrows his eyes. It’s times like these when Buck curses just how well Eddie knows him. If he’s not out of this locker room in 30 seconds, Eddie’s going to clock that he isn’t just tired, and then he’s going to make Buck explain, and then Buck’s going to be putting his shit on someone else all over again.

“Buck,” Eddie starts.

“Gotta go, see you tonight. Text me the time!” Buck says in a rush, pasting a bright smile on his face and turning to leave as quickly as he can.

Eddie catches his elbow.

Too late.

“Please talk to me,” Eddie asks softly.

Buck feels himself deflate. “It’s stupid.”

“Not if it’s bothering you. And don’t tell me it’s not. We’ve all noticed something’s been off this week. We’re worried,” Eddie says. “I’m worried,” he amends, when Buck won’t look him in the eye.

He looks at Eddie and sees the care and concern written all over his face, and he just… can’t keep it in anymore. A tear slips past his lashes and rolls down his cheek. Eddie’s eyes widen. He raises a hand to Buck’s face and brushes away the tear, then leads him to the bench.

“Tell me,” he pleads.

“I don’t…” Buck trails off. It’s not that he doesn’t know what he’s feeling, not even that he has trouble putting it into words. He just can’t say it. “I can’t,” he whispers, resisting the urge to bury his face in his hands.

“You can, Buck, I promise. Whatever it is, I’ve got your back, remember?”

Buck nods miserably. “I’m not going to make you carry my shit,” he says. “You’ve got enough to deal with as it is. I know something’s been bothering you, too.”

Eddie sighs. “You would notice that, wouldn’t you?”

“I know you don’t want to talk about it, but whatever it is, I’m not going to add onto it with…” he trails off and waves his hand, as if to encompass everything he’s thinking.

“My parents want to visit,” Eddie says after a moment, “and I’m not looking forward to defending every decision I’ve ever made all over again. Especially not after… well, you know. That’s what’s been bothering me. Your turn.”

“Eddie, I-“

“Look, Buck. I appreciate you letting me work through it in my own time, but I’m not… keeping things from you. I just needed a minute. And I’m your friend, alright? I always want to know what’s going on in your head, even if I’ve got shit rattling around in mine, too. So tell me? Please?”

“I don’t want to be exhausting,” Buck says, voice small and quiet. He hunches his shoulders in, just like he did as a kid.

Eddie looks stricken, and Buck’s immediately hit with a wave of guilt and regret.

“I’m sorry,” Buck backtracks, “I shouldn’t have said that, I don’t-“

Eddie surprises him by surging forward and pulling him into a bruising hug. “I’m sorry,” he says into Buck’s ear. “I don’t think I ever said it, but I am. I didn’t mean it then, and I don’t think it now.”

“I know,” Buck says quietly. He returns the hug, but doesn’t quite relax into it.

Eddie pulls back a little and looks him in the eye, not letting go of his shoulders. “I don’t think you do,” he says.

“You don’t have to-“

“I do. Buck, you’re the most selfless person I know. You care about everyone else so much, and sometimes I wonder if that leaves enough space left for you. You matter, Buck, to all of us. Whatever it was we did this week that made you feel like this, we’re sorry. Every single person here loves you, and we want to know when something’s wrong, okay?”

Another tear tracks its way down Buck’s face. “Okay,” he whispers.

“C’mon,” Eddie says, standing and holding his hand out.

Buck takes it and stands, wiping his face with his other hand as he does. To his surprise, Eddie doesn’t let go; instead, he threads his fingers through Buck’s and pulls. Buck follows him helplessly as he leads him out of the locker room and back up the stairs to the firehouse loft. To his even greater surprise, the entire team is still there.

“What, uh, what are you guys still doing here?” Buck asks. His voice is steadier than before, but still comes out rougher than he’d like.

“Waiting for you,” Hen says, standing from the couch.

“Why?” Buck can’t help but ask. He knows. He knows, but… maybe he wants to hear her say it.

She gives him a look, like she knows he’s fishing, but indulges him anyway. “Because you’ve been down all week, and we care about you.”

Buck’s knee-jerk reaction is to tell her he’s fine, but then Eddie nudges him. It makes him want to laugh, because of course Eddie knows exactly what he was going to do. He shakes his head and smiles.

“I was feeling a little, uh, insecure, I guess.” Buck looks at his feet, but looks up as Hen walks closer, Bobby and Chimney following behind.

Hen nods, like she already knew. Honestly, she probably did. “And now?”

Eddie squeezes his hand. “Starting to feel better,” Buck grins.

“Good,” Hen nods, and then she’s hugging him.

“We love you, kid,” Bobby says, joining in.

Chim wraps his arms around all three of them. “Yeah we do, Buckaroo,” he says.

Eddie plasters himself along Buck’s back and puts a hand on his waist. He leans in close to his ear and quietly says, “and I’m not going to let you forget it.”

Buck sighs and relaxes into the hug. So what if he gets a little stuck in his head? He’s got a family that will always be there to pull him back out.

[ladyc0312]

A Jikook Guide to RunBTS: 91-101

Sometimes, I think about some of the moments I list here and start to worry that I'm reading too much into things. And I'll be the first to admit that a bunch of them are ambiguous enough that reasonable people can differ in their interpretation. 

The thing about jikook, though, is that there are so many of these eyebrow-raising types of moments that you could throw out half of them and still have enough left over to think "there's something up with those two." Especially in the following episodes...

Ep 91 "Mini Golden Bell Part 1" (Ep: 3 / KM: 1)

The ones where they make the best of sitting on the floor of an empty room and Jin and JK just barely manage to avoid murdering Tae over his less-than-excellent MC skills

03:35 - Everyone is confident that the "oh!" sound that's played is either JK or JM, but aren’t sure which is which. 

8:14 - When JM gets the right answer, JK is the only one to clap.

16:38 - JK is once again the only one to clap when JM gets an answer right.

Ep 92 "Mini Golden Bell Part 2" (Ep: 3 / KM: 2)

15:00 - As he goes to measure JK's arm, JM informs everyone that JK's arms have gotten longer since he's been boxing.

15:54 - When JM keeps moving around while JK is trying to measure his arm, JK tells Suga to hold JM still. 

16:31 - When JM's arm somehow seems to get slightly shorter from his stretching, JK gets excited and calls him "Jimin" (no hyung) a few times and then "Jimin-ssi."

20:03, 20:18 - When JK is singing his karaoke love song, the other guys are all over-emoting or swaying and listening, but JM just stares straight at him (and even looks genuinely emotional?) and the camera just stops showing him at a certain point. See picture above. 

20:46 - When JK starts to criticize Suga's cham cham cham performance, Jimin tells JK to just sit down. And he does.  

BEHIND 5:48 - After RM tries to comfort JM about his short arms by saying his legs are long, JK repeats "yes, your legs are long" and then sings a lyrics with JM's name inserted ("moon, moon, what kind of moon jiminie")

Ep 93 "BTS Marble Part 1" (Ep: 4 / KM: 3)

The ones where I still don’t understand this game but enjoy the episodes involving it anyway

0:42: Not jikook-related, but I can't not point out the adorable moment where RM makes a pun about how Marble sounds like the way Koreans pronounce Marvel and JK says "I love you 3000" to himself. 

10:22 - JM and JK are sitting pretty close all episode, but it's particularly apparent here, where JM's arm is resting on JK's thigh as they read a question together.

10:40 - Reading the question is long done, but JM's arm remains. 

12:21 - JM pats JK's shoulder in comfort after he messes up a question.

16:14 - After the heart-making game is over, JM and JK make hearts towards each other once more.

20:21 - JK taps JM's leg while sweetly reminding him that the pedometer game is difficult. Then they lean in to strategize together. 

21:07 - JM pats JK's back when he ends up winning the pedometer game, then again when it seems like JK was tired out by it. BEHIND 1:15 - JK is sitting next to JHope in this shot. The next time we see them, JM is there instead and stays there the rest of the game.

2:10 - JK pats JM's hand after JM says that the winning team should share with the losing one so no one's feelings are hurt.

2:48 - JM appears to be sitting half in JK's lap as he explains his answer.

4:41 - JM leans into JK as he laughs. 

5:51 - Another angle of the 16:14 moment.

6:25 - JM is half in JK's lap again as they watch the other team eat snacks. When JK says it looks good, JM gets a piece for him and rather intensely watches him eat it.

8:40 - JM and JK continue working on a puzzle after the game is over. When JM solves it, he shakes his whole body and makes cute frustrated noises. JK looks like he finds it adorable (how could you not?). Jimin does it again closer to JK's face and JK looks away shyly. 

Ep 94 "BTS Marble Part 2" (Ep: 4 / KM: 3)

4:20 - JM & JK trace a line with their fingers together in sync and the on-screen text informs us "two hands are moving like one hand."

7:24 - After JM and JK mess up in a game, the reach towards each other and hold each other's shoulders while collapsing in giggles onto the game board. The caption dubs them "dumb and dumber."  

16:28 - JM has his arm around JK's shoulders (while continuing from last ep to be half on his lap).

23:13 - When they're going back and forth about who should do the challenge, JM puts his hand on JK's thigh (the far one, for some reason) to tell him that he (JM) might get a leg cramp if he does it. JK does the challenge. 

24:12 - After JK loses the leg-shaking game by only one point, JM comforts him by massaging his thigh, shin, and calf.

BEHIND  0:29 - JK yells out "Jimin-ssi!!!" after JM gets an answer wrong.

1:54 - Another angle of the 7:24 collapsing together on the board moment.

4:03 - More of JM with his arm around JK.

7:48 - JM and JK stay behind to geek out together over some sort of kitchen appliance.

Ep 95 "Let's Play with BTS Part 1" (Ep: 3 / KM: 2)

The ones where BTS play childhood games 

9:17 - JK whispers to JM to ask for clarification on the rules.

11:18 - JK falls backwards laughing and, immediately after, JM does exactly the same thing.

15:23 - JK comments on how small Jimin's hands are.

31:33 - JM shushes JK when he tries to give advice on the game.

34:32 - JK puts his hand on JM's shoulder and asks for a snack.

BEHIND

7:40 - JM and JK giggle together over something.

7:56 - JK wants to show JM a jacks technique.

8:18 - JM and JK giggle together again and JM puts his hand on JK's arm as they do so.

10:24 - When JK adjusts the cameras, JM says JK is the director, then congratulates him and offers him candy when he's done.

Ep 96 "Let's Play with BTS Part 2" (Ep: 4 / KM: 3)

The one where we get the origin of “Rock Bison” - and it’s rather jikook-y!

3:18 - JM sees that JK is sad because he didn't get the top he wanted, so JM gives JK his top and takes the Rock Bison one that no one else wanted. 

11:32 - JK giggles at JM repeatedly throwing his top in the background.

22:52 - JM and JK do a weird backwards handshake before competing against each other in the eraser game.

23:56 - JK claps for JM after JM beats him in the game.

31:11 - JK consults JM on which lane to choose for his model car.

33:46 - When JM reaches out to take a box that might be heavy, JK watches and stands up as if ready to assist. BEHIND 6:51 - JM stands with his hand on JK's shoulder as they watch RM compete.

6:57 - JM holds JK's arms from behind and acts as resistance for him as he does arm-lifting exercises. 

10:19 - An off-camera JM tries to help JK figure out what's why the model car he built is so slow.

Ep 97 "Pajama Party Part 1" (Ep: 4 / KM: 4)

The ones where the guys wear cute pajamas and yes the Behind picture in the second part is real!

5:49 - We see that JM and JK have been drawing on their socks together. More on this in the Behind...

11:14 - JK is lying in JM's lap and they're playing around with their feet. This one is also expanded in the Behind!

22:13 - JK pokes a rod he is playing with in between Jimin's asscheeks. I... have been searching for a less suggestive way to describe this accurately and I keep coming up empty. Blame JK, not me!

22:38 - Another entry in our ongoing "it's JM's fault if JK thinks everything he does is hilarious" series, JM collapses laughing when JK skips back to the group carrying a Cooky doll attached to the rod like he hunted it. (In JM's defense, JK does look incredibly adorable doing it.)

23:54 - JK reaches over and touches Jimin's hand and the camera immediately cuts to something else.  

Note: For fans of JK's satoori, it comes out multiple times in this episode when he gets frustrated with various members after they get a question wrong.

BEHIND 2:41 - JM calls for Taehyung to come sit next to him. JK does instead. 

3:04 - JM rests his foot on JK's thigh as they both draw on their socks.

4:07 - After JM finishes showing off the drawings on his socks, he points the camera to JK in full focus mode finishing his drawings and JM smiles like it's the most adorable thing ever. 

5:26 - I'm sure you've all seen this clip already somewhere, but I'll describe it anyway! After JK tucks his feet under Suga's robe, JM pulls him back so he's laying in JM's lap. JM then puts his arms around JK as he grabs his decorated socked feet to show him while making silly noises. JK then picks up his foot to show his drawn-on sock and makes a different silly noise, causing JM to giggle. The shot gets cut off mid-giggle for whatever reason...

5:53 - JM rests his foot on JM's back while he adds to his sock art. 

7:52 - When JK stretches his arm out to indicate some of the members, he maybe puts his hand on JM's back for a moment.

Ep 98 "Pajama Party Part 2" (Ep: 4 / KM: 1)

You'd think this would be a super jikook-y episode given those pictures, but strangely enough, there are no moments of note in the episode itself. Since you can see the pics without watching the ep, I didn’t include them in the KM score.

BEHIND 1:20 - JM complains to JK that he hasn't gotten any answers right so far.  Some people have matched this to a round of the game in the episode itself where JK doesn't seem to be guessing as enthusiastically as he did before, perhaps in an attempt to make JM feel less bad. I mention it here because it's a theory I've seen a lot, but YMMV.

7:50 - JK shows JM that he has attached J and M balloons to his shirt while saying "JM" and "Jimin," making JM giggle. 

Ep 99 "Florists" (Ep: 5 / KM: 3)

The one where we learn that Jin probably doesn't have a future as a florist

4:33 - When JM starts to get embarrassed because everyone is laughing about his birth flower name sounding like a dirty word in Korean, JK rubs JM's neck and then continues rubbing circles on his back for a while after, seemingly to comfort him. 

19:05 - When Jimin looks confused after RM says he comes out of a glass bowl in Serendipity, JK lightly slaps him on the chest for forgetting. It's almost like it has some sort of personal meaning to him...

28:05 - After JK presents the bouquet he made (which he says represents all different kinds of love), JM says "I think I'll love it when I get it as a present."  Translation note: As we've discussed before, Korean can be hard to translate because often pronouns are omitted. A more literal translation is "present if received will be loved." Most translations that I've seen interpret it as Jimin talking about himself as the recipient, but it's not totally clear. Mentioning this because I know I was wondering why this moment isn't talked about more, since it seems fairly suggestive that JM would assume JK was going to give him a bouquet of flowers he made.

28:38 - When JM explains what "Serendipity" means, he's looking at JK (I think - I'll be totally honest and say the angle is weird and it could be RM).

31:02 - After the florist picks J-Hope's bouquet over JK's as his favorite, JM comments that Jungkook's "looks like a real bouquet for a wedding."

Ep 100 "100th Episode Special Part 1" (Ep: 4 / KM: 3)

The ones where the show does enhanced editions of games previously played on the series and you will walk away with zero doubt as to whom the episodes are sponsored by

21:36 - When it looks like Suga hit Jimin with the badminton birdie, but he actually made a bad serve, JK approaches with his frying pan racket held out and an angry look on his face and starts to scold Suga.  I’ve seen this written up as a jikook moment with JK being over-protective of JM. I’m going to be totally honest with you and say that I didn’t see it that way - JK had been getting increasingly annoyed at the other team re-doing serves and my read was that the moment was more about that. Let me know if you see it differently.  Regardless, the more significant moments are the ones in the Behind...

BEHIND 4:13 - When JM is hit near the eye with the badminton birdie, JK goes over to him and checks on whether his eye was hit. JM reaches out towards him as he gets up. It's interesting to me that the others stand back and let JK be the one to check in on JM, even though Tae and Jin were both closer when it happened. 

5:03 - Not a jikook moment, but JK is doing an adorable cheerleading routine in the background here and I can't not mention it...

8:39 - When JM sees that Jin and JK aren't messing around and JK was actually hit in the nose with the volleyball, he gets serious and walks over, asking him multiple times if it hurts a lot. He ruffles JK's hair before kneeling down next to him to check in.

Ep 101 "100th Episode Special Part 2" (Ep: 4 / KM: 1)

17:40 - JM tells everyone JK is good at this type of game.

BEHIND

1:06 - JK instructs Jimin (in half-informal language) how to work the box.

5:50 - JK calls out to Jimin that his photo makes him look like he's in a cartoon (and there's a slight pause when he calls him in between "Jimin" and "hyung").

7:09 - Jimin asserts that JK does look sexy in the "sexy pose" photo. He is imho correct.

9:15 - When JM is playing around after the game is over, he calls for Jungkook to cover him

100th Episode Special: Survival Directors Cut (Ep: 2 KM: 0)

5:32 - JM covers JK with his laser gun, allowing JK to escape.  Not particularly shippy since they're on the same team, but including it for anyone who wants a visual aid for some sort of military AU...