#reading myself to sleep with it tonight
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John Tracy was sick.
Which meant John Tracy wasn’t allowed to go home.
Sure, he could say that he was home, but it didn’t really feel like home. It was full of brothers and people he loved, but it didn’t feel like home.
Home was among the stars.
But apparently astronauts with the flu weren’t allowed to go home.
“It won’t be for long, John. It will be over before you know it.” Virgil was kind and reassuring, but it didn’t really help.
He wanted to go home.
He was determined to work, of course. Until Scott caught him and cut him off.
There were some loud words over that, but the medical department of IR (aka Virgil) sided with the command department (aka Scott) and yeah, he was grounded, cut off from his ‘bird, holed up in his room and miserable.
Of course, his brothers attempted to cheer him up. Alan dumped himself on his bed chattering away with his latest game, all eager enthusiasm. Gordon brought him a pet crab. Even cared for it for him. John was left wondering if it was a snarky metaphor as the crab sat under a rock all day and had a distinct grumpy appearance.
Virgil and Scott were more subtle, but no less caring. Scott ran ideas past him for communications improvements. Piano music and the occasional piece of art found its way into his rooms uninvited.
He appreciated it. Truly, he did.
He just wanted to go home.
The morning he woke up with a cat sleeping on his chest was the last straw.
“C’mon, guys. You know I’m allergic to cats. Are your trying to kill me?” He held the cat out at arm’s length just waiting for his nasal passages to swell up. Though at this point considering his condition, he wasn’t really sure he would notice.
The cat meowed pitifully at him.
Virgil frowned.
Scott arched an eyebrow.
Gordon looked guilty....but then he always looked guilty. John was sure it was an inbuilt survival strategy.
Alan was cooing at the cat and reaching out to scratch it under the chin.
It was an orange stripy thing with big whiskers and that ragdoll floppiness all cats sported.
“Gordon?” Scott’s arched eyebrow was now pointed at the aquanaut.
“What are you looking at me for? I got him the crab, why would I get him a cat? The cat will eat the crab.” Gordon frowned at John. “Don’t let the cat eat the crab.”
Not a sentence John had ever predicted hearing in his lifetime.
“Can someone please take this thing?” He held out the cat even further.
Virgil, still frowning, gently collected the cat from John’s hands and automatically curled it up in his arms. A finger scratched under its chin.
“Thank you. I’m going back to bed.”
And he did.
The next time he woke, a pair of green feline eyes were staring at him, the cat, once again, curled up on his chest.
What?
It meowed at him and poked his nose with a paw.
“Virgil!”
He must have yelled a little too much because next minute his big brother barrelled into the room, panic on his face. “John, what the-?!”
His eyes landed on the cat and his shoulders literally sagged. “Goddamnit, that’s where you are. I’ve been looking for you for hours.” Virgil reached to pick up the cat.
The cat turned from mild mannered bed companion to spitting and screeching demon within a blink. Virgil yelped and fell backwards, his feet slipping on the mat and his butt hitting the floor with a crash.
One of John’s telescopes teetered before tipping ever so slowly. Virgil saw it and struggled to catch it. “Shiiit!” He threw himself in its path and the four-foot metal cylinder landed in his lap.
There was an oomph and Virgil was flat on his back on the floor.
Demon cat kneaded John’s chest a little before settling once more.
It began to purr.
“Virgil? You okay?”
His brother grunted and John struggled out of bed, shoving the cat out of the way. “Virgil?”
“I’m good.” It was up an octave higher than normal. “Sorry about your telescope.”
John grabbed the telescope off his brother and righted it. It was his own fault for leaving it there in the first place. Stargazing from bed was a habit much more easily exercised on TB5.
Virgil waved off his offered hand and rolled over, pushing himself to his feet with another grunt. He eyed the cat with suspicion. “I thought we had an understanding, Bagel.”
The cat eyed Virgil with equal suspicion.
“Bagel?”
“Gordon claims it is your cat so needs a John name.”
“A John name?”
“Yeah, Bagel it is.”
“It’s not my cat! And where did it come from anyway?” John frowned at Virgil. “Another stowaway on Two.”
“No! You know we have sensors for that now. And besides, that was only once.”
“Twice.”
“Once. The polar bear doesn’t count.”
“The polar bear most assuredly does count. Alan still hasn’t forgiven you.”
“Really?”
“It was a polar bear, Virgil.”
“Yeah, well, that is your cat.”
“That is not my cat.”
“Apparently she has decided she is yours.” Virgil held up his hands. Several scratches decorated his skin. “I have enough of these already. She’s yours.”
“I’m allergic.”
Virgil peered up at him, brown eyes assessing. “You don’t appear to be suffering a reaction. She’s been gone for hours. If she has been here, on your chest all that time, you should be showing the affects. All I can see is the remains of your flu.” A frown. “Are you feeling any better?”
It was John’s turn to frown. He had almost forgotten he was ill, but now his attention returned to his body, the signs were clear.
But he was feeling a little better.
“A little.”
Virgil reached up and squeezed his arm. “Good. You hungry?”
A brief consultation with his stomach and he realised that yes, he was. “Yes, I think so.”
A smile spread over his brother’s face. “Great. You’re on the mend.” Another squeeze of his arm and Virgil turned towards the door. “Meet you in the kitchen. Scott went all out this morning and made pancakes. I stashed you some. Gotta grab them before Gordon discovers them.”
“FAB.” John couldn’t help but return his brother’s smile.
Virgil grinned and with a half-hearted groan rubbed his butt and staggered with some exaggeration out the door. “Don’t forget your cat.”
John turned back to stare at the ginger monstrosity still sitting on his bed, calmly grooming.
“Bagel, is it?”
The cat blinked and kept licking its fur.
John sighed and grabbed his clothes.
-o-o-o-
The cat followed him downstairs for the meal, which turned out to be dinner. He had managed to sleep the day away. Apparently, this was a good thing, because for the first time in days, he could move without creaking.
Virgil had indeed stashed pancakes and within minutes there was a short stack piled up in front of him complete with ice cream and maple syrup. Before he even bothered to acknowledge the envy emanating from Gordon across the other side of the table, the stack began to disappear.
Scott knew how to make pancakes. John considered his big brother’s purpose in life and came to the immediate conclusion that it should be IR, family and pancakes.
Of course, pancakes could be a subset of family if considered that way, but there was always the possibility of him opening a business as a pancake chef.
Blink.
Yes, the flu had obviously taken part of his brain with it.
A pair of blue eyes and two pairs of brown were staring at him.
“What?”
“Did you bother to breathe between bites, bro?” Gordon gestured with his head at the table.
John looked down and found his plate empty. “Guess I was hungry. Scott makes great pancakes.”
“Yes, he does.” Virgil plonked a glass of orange juice in front of him and took away his sticky plate. “Now drink your juice and we’ll set up for family movie.”
“Aren’t you guys going to eat?”
“Already eaten.” Scott was poking at his phone, holograms bouncing around above it. “Grandma made meatloaf surprise again.”
John choked on his juice. “Really?”
“Uh-huh.” Scott did look a little green around the gills.
Well, that explained the envy on Gordon’s face and why Alan was very absent.
“Anyone feed the youngest?”
“All under control.” Virgil chucked Gordon a celery crunch bar and the aquanaut grabbed it from the air.
It was devoured faster than John’s pancakes.
Virgil wandered back into the kitchen proper and soon there was the delicious smell of hot popcorn wafting through the room. The engineer walked past the table again and dumped a chocolate bar in front of Scott. Another one landed in front of John.
“Consider it a survivor’s reward.” Virgil grabbed Scott’s phone out of his hand.
“Hey!”
“Stop working, this is family time. Everything can wait a couple of hours.”
Scott glared at his brother, but grabbed the chocolate bar and capitulated anyway.
Probably because he knew Virgil was right. It was so easy to get absorbed with International Rescue business. John knew he was a fantastic example case of such a syndrome.
A sigh.
Scott glanced up at him. “How are you doing, John?” A smirk. “How’s Bagel?”
As if beckoned, the cat in question suddenly leapt up on to the table and stalked the length of it towards Scott. John’s eyes widened as his eldest brother was targeted by a feline glare of epic proportions.
Scott’s expression was quite an amusing mixture and defiance and terror. Bagel sat down in front of him and after a moment of intense eyeballing decided Scott was boring and started washing herself.
“That is one weird cat, John.”
Everyone jumped as Bagel shot to her feet and dashed across the table at Gordon. “Holy crap!” The aquanaut scrambled backwards as Bagel ran at him. He tangled his feet in the stool he was sitting on and with a crash, ended up on the floor.
“Ow.”
Reaching the edge of the table, Bagel stopped and peered down at the fallen Thunderbird and, apparently deciding Gordon was no more interesting than Scott, sat down and returned to grooming.
The remaining three vertical brothers stared at each other and the cat.
No one said a thing.
“Uh, can someone give me a hand up, here?” Gordon vaguely waved an arm about and Virgil edged around the table to help his brother up.
His eyes barely left Bagel.
“Has anyone fed the cat?” John threw the question in there as a bit of an icebreaker since said cat had frozen the room almost solid.
Bagel looked up and stared at John for a moment before jumping to her feet and ambling over. A simple step off the table and she was in his lap, circling for moment to find a comfortable spot, then curling up and purring.
Again, everyone was staring at the orange fluff ball, John included.
“You have a very strange cat.” Apparently, Gordon hadn’t learnt from his earlier experience, but fortunately, Bagel ignored him this time.
John stared down at the purring ball of fur.
Yes, it seems he did.
-o-o-o-
Despite the possessed cat, the rest of the night went very well. All five brothers plus Kayo threw down some pillows, curled up in front of the holoprojector and waded through a trashy b-grade movie that looked like they were using mannequins for actors and plastic models for set pieces. There was popcorn, laughter and loving family. John felt warm and relaxed and better than he had in days. Somewhere between action scenes, he drifted off to the tinny soundtrack and the sound of his brothers criticising the special effects.
“Johnny?” It was whispered “Johnny, you’ve got to move or you’ll end up with one hell of a neckache.”
A blink and he found himself looking at Virgil upside down. Wha-?
“C’mon, bro. Up you get.” And his brother was lifting him up. Another blink and he realised he was lying on one of the couches...almost upside down, his feet at an angle above his head with his head hanging off the seat cushion. He was far too long for the piece of furniture and, apparently, he had stretched in his sleep.
Virgil was shifting his shoulders into a more horizontal position. Beyond him, the holoprojector was listing all the languages the movie was available in, complete with appropriate copyright warnings. Idly he noted that the Hungarian translation had an error in the third line.
John let his feet drop to the end of the couch before folding up enough to force himself upright. Ugh, Virgil was right. His neck cricked and creaked along with his spine. God, gravity was a nasty piece of work. It had also apparently dribbled all the mucus in his body into his head. His skull protested at the pressure as he sat up and he groaned.
“John?”
Why did everyone think Scott was the worry wart of the family? Virgil with his medical radar was just as bad, if not worse. “I’m fine. Just a head full of snot.” Ugh. Right between his eyeballs, throbbing to the beat of his heart. “Just kill me now.”
Suddenly there was an orange cat in his face, staring.
“What? Bagel, not now.” He gently picked up the cat and put her on the couch beside him. Where the hell had she come from anyway?
A pitiful meow was her response and she edged nearer brushing her cheek against his arm.
Despite himself, he turned to her. “What’s wrong?”
She looked up at him with a combination of adoration and haughtiness. He had no idea what to make of that expression.
Of course, she was a cat. Who understood cats?
“Are you two having a moment?” His brother’s smiling baritone broke the silence and to John’s surprise, Bagel turned to Virgil and hissed angrily.
His big brother took a hurried step back.
“Bagel! Leave him alone! He will never hurt you. For goodness sake, Virgil wouldn’t hurt a fly. Give him some respect.”
To his complete surprise, Bagel stopped hissing immediately. She turned to him almost a question on her face before once again looking at Virgil. Her head dropped and stared at the floor.
“What the hell?” It was little more than breath and all his big brother. Virgil was staring at Bagel, his brow crumpling into a deep frown.
Bagel’s head shot up and once again she was staring at Virgil.
Virgil’s frown got even deeper.
“John where did you get this cat from?”
“I told you, I don’t know. I’ve never seen her before in my life.”
Virgil continued his staring contest with the cat.
“What is it?” His brother’s expression was becoming unnerving, so suddenly determined, it was almost fierce.
“I don’t know.” A pause. “Keep her out of sensitive areas for me, will you?”
“Sure.”
Bagel continued to stare at Virgil.
Virgil continued to stare at Bagel.
A solid moment passed and then his brother was shaking his head, looking at his feet, looking at John. “You good to make it up to your rooms?”
“Yeah.”
“I need to go hunt down Scott. One of the TI directors in the States forgot the time zones. He’s been on the phone for half an hour already.” Virgil sighed.
“Need backup?”
“No.” A hand dropped to John’s shoulder. “You go to bed, you need it. I’ve got this.” The hand disappeared and Virgil climbed out of the lounge, heading towards the balcony.
Bagel was licking her paw.
John sighed. Perhaps some paracetamol would help. “C’mon, Bagel, apparently, you’re with me.” He picked her up and held her against his chest as he staggered to his feet. Cursed gravity. How he missed being able to make the smallest movements and coast across a room.
Bagel reached her head up and snuggled under his chin, her purr vibrating his sternum.
“Why me?” It was little more than an exhaled breath and he wasn’t sure it was a complaint or an actual question.
In either case, Bagel didn’t answer. She just purred into his chest.
So, it remained a mystery for another night.
-o-o-o-
“It just appeared. No trace on sensors, nothing. It’s as if it didn’t exist before the day before yesterday.”
Virgil’s puzzled voice echoed up the stairs as John approached the kitchen the next morning. He glanced at his watch. This was early for his brother; he usually wasn’t up for another hour at least.
“I’m telling you, Scott, there is something very strange about that cat.”
John paused at the top of the stairs, his hands curled around Bagel, gently scratching her under the chin. He had awoken again with her on his chest, but unlike the previous two incidents, he had found himself surprisingly comforted with her presence.
Her purring was strangely calming.
“I will admit she is quite volatile.” Scott’s voice was surprisingly reluctant. “She didn’t even take to Gordon. Every living creature takes to Gordon. Except lizards, I guess. Hell, she doesn’t even like you.”
“That’s just it. She doesn’t act like a cat.”
“What, just because she doesn’t like you?”
“I’m sorry, Scott. Something just doesn’t feel right. Why is she so attached to John? What if she is a plant after our technology?”
“A tech seeking cat? Really?”
“Wouldn’t be the first time an animal has been used for espionage.”
Scott sighed and John shifted, attempting to loosen the tense muscles in his shoulders.
“It’s just that John appears to have latched onto Bagel as much as the cat has to him. How often does John attach to anybody?”
“And that’s what scares me the most. What happens when he returns to TB5? He can’t take a cat with him. It wouldn’t be safe for either of them.”
“Then we look after Bagel for him.”
It was Virgil’s turn to sigh and it was a worried one.
John chose that moment to make his entrance. He stepped lightly down the stairs. “You two really do worry far too much.”
Both brothers started as he entered. The guilty expressions on their faces were quite amusing.
“Virgil, if you are worried about Bagel, scan her.” John held the cat out to his brother. “Take her up to the infirmary and run her through a thorough physical. In fact, I would prefer if you did since as you said, I have become somewhat attached to her. As to what we are going to do when I return to Five...” He shrugged. “I hope we can work something out.”
Virgil managed to look both apologetic and sad.
To John’s astonishment, Bagel wriggled out of his grip and jumped down to the floor. She ambled over to Virgil. His brother froze, obviously wary, but the cat gently brushed up against his leg and rubbed the length of her body across his boots.
The whole room stared.
“Good morning, Bagel.” Virgil’s voice was a little breathless.
“Good morning, Virgil.” The whole room jumped as Brains jogged down the stairs and passing them, bee-lined for the fridge.
“‘Morning, Brains, John.” Gordon wandered in from the pool rubbing a towel through his hair. “Yaargh! What the hell, Virgil. You gone to the cat side?” He took several steps back as he caught sight of Bagel.
Bagel, still wrapped around Virgil’s ankles, turned towards Gordon and spat at him.
“That damn cat is possessed.” The aquanaut made sure the table was between him and the feline.
Bagel glared at him, following with her eyes.
“Eos, I know G-Gordon can b-be a challenge, b-but really, h-he is a good man.” Brains was pouring milk into his cereal on the bench.
“Yes, but he is so annoying.” The AI’s voice bounced across the house’s comm system.
“He st-still deserves r-respect.”
The comm system grunted.
Every eye in the room stared at the engineer.
Gordon found his voice first. “Wow, Brains, thanks.”
John was staring at Bagel. “Eos what do you know about Bagel?”
“Oh, John, everything.” The little imp was so smug.
Two strides and John was beside Virgil. Reaching down, he snagged Bagel off the floor and held her up, his eyes raking over the cat. A moment of intense examination. Bagel stared back at him calmly.
“Okay, how did you do it?”
“Do what, John?”
“Do not mess with me, Eos. I want answers and I want them now.”
“Hiram helped me.”
“Helped you do what?” Scott’s voice was sharp. “Brains?”
“It was a v-very interesting challenge.”
“What did you do, Brains?” Commander Tracy stood up from the table, his height saying everything it needed to.
Brains didn’t notice.
“Oh, Eos had an e-excellent idea to equip Thunderbird F-Five with an internal m-mobile probe mechanism.
“Yes, something that could get into the spaces John cannot.” Still smug. Oh, there would be some serious talking at a later time.
“So, you built a cat.” Virgil’s eyes were wide.
Brains sipped his orange juice, still seemingly unaware of the tension in the room. “She didn’t think I could. So, I did.” He was definitely pleased with himself.
“You built a cat?” Gordon was an echo of his brother. “That cat?” He stabbed a finger in Bagel’s direction.
“Yes?” Finally, the man appeared to realise that something was amiss. “I’m v-very happy with the r-results. It performs v-very well.”
It certainly did. John had her under his arm and found himself scratching her under her chin despite everything.
He forced himself to stop.
“John?”
“Yes, Eos?”
“Do you like her?” Suddenly he was a parent faced with his child’s school science project and the need for approval.
Some science project.
“I like her, Eos.”
“Can we keep her?”
“That is yet to be decided.” It came out firm. It needed to be firm...even though he already knew the answer.
“But-“
“Eos, why didn’t you tell us Bagel wasn’t really a cat?”
“But she is...”
“Eos.”
“John...”
“Eos!”
“I missed you.”
He froze. “I’m right here.”
“But it’s not the same.” That was a definite whine. “You’re not with me. It gets lonely up here without you. So, I built a way to be down there with you.” Bagel rubbed her cheek against his hand.
“Eos is in the cat?” Gordon’s jaw may as well have been on the floor. “She hates me that much?!”
“I don’t hate you, Gordon. You are quite funny. Somewhat clumsy, but funny.”
“Eos.”
“Yes, John?”
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
No answer.
“Brains, why didn’t you tell us?” Commander Tracy was glaring at the engineer.
“T-Tell you what?”
“About Eos and the cat.”
“That would have r-ruined the experiment.”
“What?”
“Eos w-wanted to see if the f-feline programming was sufficient. The b-best way to do that was test it.”
“On us?” Gordon spouted outrage.
“Surprisingly only V-Virgil appears to have b-been concerned. I w-would be interested to hear your evaluation.”
“Sure.” Virgil appeared to still be processing. Probably attempting to work out exactly how Brains had pulled it off.
“Brains, you, Eos, John and I are going to have a serious conversation.” Scott’s voice was stern. “This is not happening again. This family is not an experimental lab.”
“It was not his fault, Commander.”
Scott arched an eyebrow up at the ceiling. “Really, Eos? I have no doubt that John has a few choice words to be said on this matter.” Oh, yes, choice and many. “In the meantime, please cease the experiment.”
“But-“
“Eos.”
“Very well.”
The cat in John’s arms went completely limp.
He couldn’t help it; a gasp passed his lips and he caught the sudden dead weight with both hands. “Eos!”
All life had left Bagel. She became nothing more than a lifeless corpse. Something inside him lurched horribly.
Every eye in the room was staring at him.
“John?” Virgil’s eyes flashed concern.
He gathered up the cat in his arms and gently placed her on the seat of one of the kitchen chairs.
So real. He shivered.
“You okay?” His big brother was suddenly beside him.
“That was unnerving.” Both of them stared at the immobile TB5 internal remote probe mechanism.
“Eos, can you please reactivate Bagel.”
“Virgil-“
“No, Scott. Too creepy, too real. Please, just...leave her be.”
To John’s surprise, Scott didn’t protest.
But Bagel didn’t move.
“Eos?” His own voice sounded hollow in his ears.
“Yes, John?”
“Please reactivate Bagel.”
“Why?”
“Eos, just please.”
“Very well.”
And Bagel uncurled herself, sat up and glared at Scott. Before Eos could exact any form of petulant revenge, he grabbed Bagel off the chair and held her in his arms.
“Thank you, Eos.”
“You are very welcome.” Impertinent little brat.
“Now, I’m going to have breakfast, then we are going to have that conversation.”
“Yes, John.”
Something in the room snapped and suddenly everyone went back to their morning routine with only the occasional stare at the cat in his arms.
“Would you like some cereal, John?” Virgil was heading towards the fridge.
“You don’t have to get me breakfast, Virgil.”
“You have your hands full and I’ve already had mine.”
“How early were you up this morning?”
“Early enough. Your cat weirded me out.”
Bagel was rubbing her cheek against his fingers again. He grabbed a chair and sat himself down, placing Bagel on the chair beside him. She started grooming herself quite content.
A bowl was placed in front of him, followed by a cereal box, milk and another glass of orange juice.
Bagel stared up at him
He shook his head slowly. “What am I going to do with you?”
The cat tilted her head and licked her whiskers.
And he knew that somewhere far above the planet his daughter was laughing.
-o-o-o-
FIN.
#thunderbirds are go#thunderbirds#thunderbirds fanfiction#John Tracy#Virgil Tracy#Scott Tracy#Eos#Gordon Tracy#nuttyfic reblog#an oldie#but I quite like it#reading myself to sleep with it tonight#so thought I would share#I'll probably zonk out three paragraphs in
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I had to remind myself so I'm reminding all of you
take care of yourself
drink water, eat some food
if you have the energy, treat yourself to something that brings you some happiness
and try and get a good night's rest
#ive lost so much sleep this week from migraines and stress from the election#yesterday didnt help#for obvious reasons#im taking sleeping gummies tonight#my emotional support water bottle is filled#Im trying to actaully eat something more than hummus and string cheese#i know things seem sad#could be fandom could be outside could be anything#just make sure to take care of youself#for me its because the world is hard but I want to remain kind and when im not taking care of myself I cant do that#also watch or read something that brings joy#if you read these tags and you made it this far please watch the duck tales revival and fall in love with launchpad hes also a great pilot
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just finished the Bedtime Story quest and YES i had no idea what they were talking about and YES i did leave sobbing crying screaming and felt like i was going to throw up
LIKE WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT. WOAH. HOLY MOLY. WOWIE.
#HNNNNNNNNNNNNGHGNHGNGHNGHNGHNAHNGFA#I HATE (LOVE) THE#“WE'VE BEEN SEPARATED FOR SO LONG BUT NOW I SEE YOU BUT CAN'T TOUCH YOU” TROPE#AAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGHGHGHGHHG#will cry myself to sleep about them tonight#dear lumine and aether i love you forever and ever and ever#also just that quest i realised caribert's last name is alberich and went#huh. yeah.#i WONDER how kaeya's gonna come into play later#i completely forgot the quest where he and dainself and the traveler were like. “so. the past. crazy”#time to read up on lore againnnnn#anyway#lumine#aether#genshin impact#archon quest#sleepy posting#i am glad the quest was wayyy shorter than other ones#because now i play on an emulator that only gives me and hour of playtime before it kicks me off the server lol
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Three Times Jonathan Harker Was Woken By Vampires And One Time He Wasn't
Assuming that he fell asleep briefly during that time he collapsed on the sofa October 30th, we can have Three Times Jonathan Harker Was Woken By Vampires And One Time She Wasn't Fully A Vampire Yet.
(and then add in an epilogue-era scene with little Quincey waking his dad from a nap on the couch and also displaying some mysterious cryptid powers for one more And Also One Time He's Woken By No One Is Sure What Other Than 'Not A Vampire' And 'Our Beloved Son')
#dracula daily#replies#dracula daily spoilers#animate-mush#jonathan harker#'s adventures with sleeping on couches#actually this idea kind of compels me. if i still have ideas by the time my schedule allows me to write#maybe i will try to do a little fic for it#the other way to interpret this is ALL angst and pain and focuses on the time he wasn't woken/doesn't remember aka tonight is mine#and it's just. also could be compelling but entirely all bad. and abandons the couch throughline by replacing it with horrible castle#dracula experiences throughline instead. i probably will not take a stab at writing that one myself but i'd read it
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what do you do when the girl you spent the better part of the last decade in love with calls you up to tell you they dumped their girlfriend and quit their job and would you like to go spend a couple weeks on a beach in greece with them because they miss you and love you (not like that) . and you miss them and love them (not like that. anymore) and you’re probably not getting into grad school anyway and even if you did you can’t keep moving countries to start over because that doesn’t fix things and you could use the money you have saved that you were gonna put towards tuition to buy a plane ticket and sublet a beach villa instead. because you miss them and you love them and you’re tired of missing them and loving them has always felt good and you never feel good anymore and whatever maybe you can just have a lovely few weeks in fuckin greece and just. that’s enough you don’t have to try more than that they go back home and you stay on a beach in greece for as long as anyone else will remember . hypothetically. you should do that, right
#this is rhetorical look away!!!!#it’s an either/or : this or trying to go to grad school#but the thing is#at some point i convinced myself that a change of place and building a new life would make me happier than rotting in my parents house#in my hometown where i feel like im in a timeloop sometimes#but it wouldn’t? i Love my friends but. i am sad here and i was sad in scotland and i was sad in cambridge and. i will be sad wherever i go#it’s not a fixable thing#being around beth is a bandaid on it#so maybe i should slap the bandaid on buy a plane ticket and then. whatever i will be sad After or#i know i sound insane but the thing about being obsessive is that when one person physically has your back when you are 20 years old#it makes sense that they feel like the only thing that will help fix it#sorry this sounds strung out i have like three different things in my system that i will sleep off and be fine im not having a meltdown#this just feels like a Decision To Be Made and i thought typing it out would help give me some clarity or whatever#made a list but i wrote ‘washed your hair when you couldnt do it’ and i’ll be so honest that’s all the convincing i need to do#anything they ask of me ever#idk where my bank card is so no financial decisions tonight anyway#if u have read all of that. apologies and goodnight x#n
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I had a very tiresome day and I’m totally worn out but I saw a lot of good Palestine posts that I’ll try to reblog soon and in the meantime, everyone who sees this should go look at the free Palestine tag (and participate in the global strike, do whatever you can to get governments’ attention and force them to stop killing people).
#my post#personal#the tags are just me talking about myself so you should go read the free Palestine tag instead lol#I had to go to the dentist urgently for pain and it was very stressful but at least it’s over now#hopefully I won’t get covid 😅#I did have energy to call my reps and I’m probably gonna try to do that every day this week#I always do it at least once a week now but maybe if I’m annoying enough they’ll pay attention?#you’d think being a good person and standing up for human rights would be motivation enough but alas#and I’m not buying anything of course#I don’t have a job or school to strike from#I wanna organize events but I am so goddamn tired all the time#especially tonight#I’m about to go to sleep and it’s not yet 9 pm (for context I often stay up until like 5 am)
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I wish I was more than what I am
#I feel like I'm missing parts of myself#like there should be more of me#and if I could just Do Something i'd be able to get more but I'm So Tired#I feel stuck in my tiny house of my consciousness#and I'm so Introverted I get so overstimulated from people and need so much alone time I feel like I'll never have a 'normal' (romantic)#relationship with anyone...#also how do I make time to read the bible I need to do that#I got a little physical book of just the book of Luke the other month and I meant to read it in bed but I forgot about it..#I could do that tonight#and#put it on my pillow so I don't forget#I think I need to sleep more#and not eat so much sugar#I remembered today that sugar gives me brain fuzz more#...and probably makes me feel like there's less of myself#um anyway if you've read all of this congrats for seeing through a small window into my mind rn#m
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Writing porn is hard when your brain is static. Bro I don’t know if this is even coherent, much less sexy.
#storm rambles#doing my own read throughs#and I’m find places I skipped like three words#*finding#I think I got them all and it should all make sense??#I’m taking my sleeping pills tonight but I’m scared it means I’ll be trapped in the nightmares#instead of waking myself up from them#lucid enough to know I’m in a nightmare and I need to ale up#*wake#not lucid enough to be able to change the dream tho
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It hurts so much to feel a friendship you've cherished for a long time being broken, how that person is changing and moving away from you while all you can do is:🧍♀️ wait. Because you can't stop them, all you can do is talk about it and hope for the best.
#s.txt#it's so desperate and fills me with anguish#I'm going to cry myself to sleep tonight /hj#if you read the tags I promise I'm fine 👍🏼
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I wasn’t gonna really talk about it here, but I think of lost control of my weirdness yall. I didn’t post it here, but I did indeed, write a smut fic about, fuck, human Lightning McQueen and Jackson Storm, and now I am writing a second one.
#very much so#*soft and defeated* ka-chow.#it’s up on my ao3 but I’m not linking to it#someone commented ‘the best smut I’ve read all year and it’s a cars fic?’#*sip sip* it’s like a reward#I found myself casually scrolling with wiki tonight#I don’t know if I can watch the movie cause I just…. I keep thinking about how it’s so weird that they chose living cars instead of just??#making a movie about racers?? it’s so weird I have a huge long text rant to my sister and she was cracking up about it#but I can’t stop thinking about Cars???😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭#help me???#I’m gonna follow the inspo where it takes me but also??? I could be writing a new sleep token fic?? I could be writing TRON smut???#but no. Cars my brain says. Cars.
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be me
decide to scroll the zelink tag because that usually cheers me up when I'm mopey
have the entire tag except for maybe five posts blocked because it's all totk related
T-T
#maaaaaan#disapointing#rambles from the floor#I'm going to start having the argument with myself about buying a switch again#uggggggh#I've been fine like all summer why is this debate coming up again nowwwww#I don't need one#and I don't need totk either#even though the commercial practically kept me alive one time#but that was then and this is now so whatever it's too expensive and saving money is smart and responsible#so there self#hmph#sorry if you read all of this I'm in a bad mood tonight#come back tomorrow after I've gotten some sleep
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yo they weren't kidding when they said this book is VERY gay damn okay!
#like i knew they got 'married' but i was NOT prepared for it to happen in the first 70 pages fjskdk nor after only a day???#talk about uhaul lesbians how about uhaul sailors damn#'i began to feel myself mysteriously drawn towards him' -> yeah thats a crush babes#he got excited when you said you were gonna sleep with him again tonight? yeah thats a MUTUAL crush babes#mack reads#moby dick
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Napped on the couch for an hour how did I even curl up into such a small ball for that long >.<
#txt#used to sleep like that on this couch when i was a kid and staying home sick#little bit nostalgic haha#didnt sleep well last night and had to take 2 sleeping tablets#tonight im just going to take the night cold and flu tablets#and try to read myself to sleep#better than watching movies
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i will attempt to write a few info about the characters and perhaps make rules and pinned better than what they are now, and a taglist wouldn't hurt ( even if i'm starting to be very sleepy, damn it... ), but in the meantime, behold.
i made a few icons.
#as in 'i took a single short comic and made 18 icons for pyro' but if i feel satisfied with them i will brace myself#and reread the main comics. partially to make icons. mostly for the story. even if a part of me doesn't want to because#i don't want to suffer thinking that we'll probably never see the end of the comic. but at the same time it's... weird what i feel.#like. i wish we have the last part but i don't... really care if it never ends? the emotions it brought me are still very much there.#and always will. the comic is one of the best comics i've ever read and i don't think this will change if the comic never gets completed.#sure i'd LOVE to see the ending. i think tf2 DESERVES to have an ending to the comic. but idk.#maybe i'd just rather not have an ending at all instead of having it rushed or something similar.#... or maybe i just need to sleep SJFKKH sorry for the ramble in the tags. i've slept very poorly tonight and i get sleepy drunk easily.#ANYWAY. i'll try to work on the blog. 🏃♂️💨#↳ out of character ›
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messing around a bit
#delete later#man i havent rly drawn for myself in a while it feels weird#trying to play around w my style lately but i dont think its getting anywhere whwhkjsdghjdg#shoutout to yuzuru if nobody's got me after burning out all of my creative juices ik hes got me#should probably go to sleep early tonight got assigned another project to work on through next week at my internship 😔#still going through a very mixed feelings stage regarding on how i see my art but ill live i guess#just. nothing is good enough. im never gonna be satisfied. i think this looks fine. this is the worst thing ive ever seen and made.#im gonna fall behind. it isnt a race. everyones already far ahead. maybe this is okay. why are you satisfied with this much its not enough.#aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa being an artist am i right ! agony#well i guess lately its not that i just havent been drawing things for me but more like i cant for some reason. burnouts an asshole#even though i really really did want to make things it honestly sucked ass not being able to i rly dont know what id do if i cant draw#actually took some time for myself yesterday and walked around town a bit it was nice. pierced my ears again and treated myself#but as consequence of course i am now broke </3 unfortunate#hmmmmm idk what im saying kdjsjgdhhskgjdhsdg hope things r going well for everyone else if you're even reading this! may u have a good week#man i wish i just knew if things are gonna be okay#hngggg baru aja tiga bulan masuk balik sekolah sama udah secapek ini wkwkwkwkkwkwk payah gk sih gw ini#masih setahun lebih sampe lulus juga head in hands kenapa gk bisa tidur buat seminggu aja aaagh#ya yang penting juga gw masih hidup sih gk mau kemana-mana kyk gini#aaaaaaaaa gk mau masuk studio besokkkk mau tidurrrr#me when i have to do my job at work#i wonder what i should make for lunch and dinner tomorrow. knowing me though ill end up falling asleep as soon as i get out of the shower#sorry this is. all over the place props if you're even reading this far LOL apologies you have to see me rant a bit
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I feel like I proud mom watching her son FINALLY give in to his feelings.
mo baby I'm so proud of you
#19 days#like the hug from the last chapter was already a HUGE DEAL but now a kiss?#my mo guan shan kissed he tian?#this is such a big deal yall#im gonna cry myself to sleep tonight thinking about it#I'll probably read every fan fiction ever made with them too#AFTER ALL THESE YEARS#mo guan shan#he tian
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