#read: not being feminine enough and/or not being neurotypical enough

[bipunkharrington]

There's something that infuriates me so much about people mocking characters that fall into the "not like other girls" trap, because the reasons girls take on that stance is because they exist in a society that tries to put womanhood and femininity in a restrictive box that tells them who and how they should be.

They're generally mocked and derided for not wishing to conform to stereotypical femininity, but when they lash out in entirely predictable but ultimately unhelpful ways (by being dismissive and rude about other women and femininity in general) instead of understanding that it's a product of growing up in a society that's restricting them and punishing them for not conforming (either by choice or inability) so many people who claim to be feminists choose to mock them or make them out to be the cause of the problem rather than a symptom. Whether its being mocked in real life, or watching people deride the fictional characters they relate to, this behaviour just alienates those girls even further into thinking that the issue is other women, and confirms their belief that women who are typically feminine will only ever be derisive toward them and that they're somehow fundamentally different from other women.

If you know someone who thinks along those "I'm not like other girls" lines instead of mocking them try directing them towards resources that can help them understand where that harmful rhetoric comes from, and when you're critiquing characters that fit that mold try to consider why they behave that way, and what girls who see themselves in those characters take from your commentary.

[fitzrove]

Ajkdlsld nobody asked for this extremely long misogyny rant but

😭😭 why is society so shit w rampant misogyny everywhere (most painfully, from other women) skkslsls. Reading the replies on that makeup post i reblogged and being chronically online in general is pissing me off lmao

Disclaimer: lol obviously this is all intersectional, like there are lots of ways in which I am extremely privileged (white/European/from a stereotypically desirable "educated, trustworthy, well-behaved, high tech" country/cisgender/able-bodied/neurotypical/privileged economic class etc etc). Doesn't mean the points outlined below don't apply to many women in relation to men who are in their otherwise same demographic

Things that I like about being a woman:

- my body (well don't always like it but don't want to change anything djkdkdj)

- being a lesbian

- being friends with other women (is easier) & not perceived as threatening by them in random interactions

- feeling "special" in some situations where i'm trailblazing or achieving something in a guy-dominated space, especially when other people point that out

- most interests i have/could think of having have no stigma attached to them that would make it difficult for me to pursue them. also corsets and ballgowns etc femme goth fashion pieces being societally 100% acceptable for me to wear in some situations and not even fringe

Things I don't like about being a woman:

- sexual harassment

- being talked over

- wage and employment discrimination

- basic misogyny shit like being expected to have children and take responsibility for all the people around you

- violent heteronormativity (obviously still hurts non straight men but hurts women more because the world feels so entitled to our bodies)

- having to worry about straight guy friends and acquaintances (esp classmates)' intentions (sadly its not stigmatised enough for people to be pushy w women so i get scared pre-emptively :/)

- SOCIETAL EXPECTATIONS FOR APPEARANCE AND COERCIVELY ENFORCED GENDER CONFORMING FEMININITY GRAAHHHHH going to kill every fashion beauty health etc company :) i don't care if doing it makes you personally happier or more confident you know where else conformity makes you powerful? politically oppressive dictatorships<3

- women friends (classmates) whose idea of girl talk is to alternately complain about and fawn over men through a sexual/romantic lens and evaluate them as potential partners, and who take my refusal to participate in this as personal rejection/rudeness and pull away from me as a friend because of it

- existence being political 24/7. no i cant ignore that its just always there

- dating (thats shit for everyone but there are specific annoying lesbian dating experiences such as: MEN EVERYWHERE not just unicorn seeker couples but he/him guys on women's apps, astrology truthers, people with bad haircuts HDJJDJD sorry i'm so mean i just hate the "berlin fringe" soooo much, etc.) and the chance that people you meet won't even take dating you seriously because society prioritises f/m so hard. its messed up because it presupposes unequal division of labour but i wish i could be like an esteemed jrr tolkien type 1950s professor and just be super in love with my wife with whom i'm settled down somewhere picturesque. But I don't think you can get a relationship like that as a queer woman because 1) obviously equality lol idk who even wants that and is not a tradwife 😭💀 2) most women who would like that probably don't think a female partner can give them that :/. Girlies literally be yearning for the masculine societal role because of the associated privileges

- Men being inherently perceived as "good guys" "chill" etc. in mixed academic/professional environments and always taken seriously intellectually, women seen in a more patronizing way/easily perceived as hysterical/a bitch/deficient in some other way

- men being praised to high heavens for doing the bare minimum vs women being always expected to be outstanding people by default

- pick me girl/not like other girls/etc discourse. This keeps happening and nobody ever learns that its dumb 😭

- men being seen as better deeper artists and male historical figures/intellectuals holding universal appeal whereas women rarely got to do anything interesting OR if they did they always get diminished and ignored (largely because media doesn't pick up these stories to highlight). none of you would care about crown prince rudolf if she had been a girl irl and i wouldn't either because often w female historical figures we're expected to care first and foremost about their romantic relationships with men💀💀💀💀💀💀💀 if girls have thoughts about foreign policy 1) they usually couldnt voice them before like 1900s 2) their entire existence and life story from cleopatra to margaret thatcher (yeah evil person but still) is tinged by misogyny from all sides (opponents, allies) which makes for pretty unappealing Content to engage with

- periods LMAO

- strangers feeling entitled to bump into me and get in my personal space (public transport etc)

- the way some feminist activism treats women as a monolith. like all that discourse about how society is not built for women's tiny fragile bodies. Like yeah important point ofc but I fucking hate being erased from existence as a tall woman. you bet if this was being done to short men there would be outcry

- in general people feeling entitled to me and receiving help and advice from me without giving anything in return. sorry i feel like this is just turning into a vaguepost abt classmates

- online queer discourse where there seems to be not a lot of space for this line of thinking that I have?? This is NOT intended as transphobic or even directed at trans people (rather the general community), but sometimes i feel like only trans people are ""entitled"" to hate their pre-transition assigned social role and everyone else has to like it because #girl power and otherwise it's just internalized misogyny or at the very least you misogynistically hating other women for being happy with their position/choices

- i'm tired of typing this is such an embarrassing post tbh

[1863-project]

I'm a cisgender heterosexual woman, and I don't feel comfortable being misgendered, but I'm also autistic and I struggle when forced to perform traditional neurotypical femininity, especially if I have to do it in a formal setting.

I've been named the best man at my brother's wedding in a few months, and the dress I have to wear for it has arrived (I still need to get it tailored since it's currently too big in the front). Wearing it makes me feel weird because it's long and elegant and I am decidedly not long and elegant (I'm all of 5'2" and much more rough around the edges). It's a foreign, uncomfortable feeling whenever I'm in a situation where I have to perform and pretend to be capable of dressing and acting this way.

I've noticed that despite other people referring to my role as Best Woman or Best Person, I've still been calling myself Best Man as a sort of rebellion against being put in a neurotypical femininity box I don't fit nicely into. My brand of femininity involves wearing overalls and long coats that go down to my knees and building things and driving 100-year-old vehicles and preserving history. I don't wear makeup for sensory reasons most of the time and certainly not at work where I run the risk of getting oils on documents if I touch my face. I can't wear shoes with heels because I'm flat-footed. I have a big arm-swinging walk and a really firm handshake.

To a lot of people, especially TERFs and their ilk, I don't fit their increasingly narrow perception of what a woman should be. I need you all to understand that as they keep making that definition smaller and smaller in their quest to deny trans and NB people their humanity, they're eventually going to exclude nearly everybody. I have an autoimmune disorder that causes nodules to grow on my thyroid gland, making it look enough like an Adam's apple that I wouldn't be surprised if a TERF tried to clock me as trans. They're coming for butch women, for gender non-conforming women, for neurodivergent and disabled women. Instead of trying to restrict the definition of womanhood to some absurd standard virtually nobody can reach, we need to draw the line here and now.

Stand up for your trans friends. Don't let these people even take an inch. Trans women are absolutely women too, and if you identify as a woman and you're reading this, so are you. Bottom line. All you need to do to be a woman is identify as one. There's no rules. Don't let them try to make them up like a playground game where they keep moving the goalposts because they're sore losers.

[fennthetalkingdog]

Okay, so this is gonna be a long one. Imma hide this behind a cut just in case folks don't wanna read this.

🐾--------🐾

So, for a long time I didn't know that I wasn't human, I thought I was just a specific version of a human that no one else was. This idea was based on both characteristics (me being childish, playful, and easily excitable; me connecting with animals on an increasingly deeper level as I got older) and experiences (me only being able to fit in with younger kids and withdrawing from folks my age; me not understanding how others worked a lot of the time; etc.). As I got older and more "weird" traits kept filling my idea of the kind of human I was, I started feeling embarrassed about it and hiding traits that I now realize are very animalistic (like my urges to shake out my "fur," walk on all fours, or respond using animal noises), thinking myself to be human-ing the wrong way. My friends at the time were my refuge, but once the pandemic happened and I started spending less time with them and more online, I became increasingly self-conscious.

It was also during the pandemic when I found out I was trans and suspected I was autistic, and diving deeper into the former also taught me about femboys and catboys. Learning I was a femboy helped me embrace my transness and femininity, and likewise learning about catboys (and furries in general) and autism gave me excuses to act less "normal" (to be honest though I wasn't really succeeding at that xD) and indulge in my more animal urges. If someone asked and I felt comfortable, I could just say I was stimming, and if I felt less comfortable I could say I was a furry. (People at my high school tended to be pretty chill about that kind of stuff, and few enough weren't that I could avoid and ignore them.) I still was anxious about it, but by the time I went back to school, I was comfortable enough to make jokes about it with my friends and buy therian gear that I didn't realize at the time was basically therian gear. (And my parents were chill enough about it because my mom's sister had gone through a similar phase and my mom was used to it.)

Fast forward to college. I made new friends, all of whom were neurodivergent so they accepted my "stimming" excuse easily, but when one of them occasionally made jokes about me being a furry, I could never explain why they made me feel embarrassed of myself. (They weren't mean jokes, but it always felt like I was more hurt by them than I should've.) Since I shared a room with someone, I hid all my therian/catboy gear (my cat ears and tail, my collars, etc) in a nice little box in a drawer where they proceeded to stay for two whole semesters, if you exclude Halloween when I dressed like a cat and felt distinctly like I was revealing something I shouldn't (like when you dress like a boy and you're trans but no one else knows so you can get away with it). I still drew furry and animal art on my class notes like I'd done for years, but I did it more secretively now, and I still occasionally barked or meowed in the comfort of my room but would feel embarrassed and vulnerable when a cloudy feeling of animal-ness would come over me and I'd want to do things that went beyond simple stimming (aka, as I now know, I'd have a mental shift). But I existed in that void, that in-between place between pretending to be human and knowing that I'm not, by covering up any slips with "oh I'm autistic" or "yeah I'm a furry." And it was always what others wanted to hear (either because I didn't act neurotypical enough or because I'd use :3 emoticons? This is a real reason a friend gave me) so I never had to question it.

UNTIL. Somehow when I made my second account and fifth blog, I found a post on here about a flag for fennec fox therians. I didn't know what a therian was, but my name's Fennec, so I reblogged it on here (and that's ironically my first post on this blog). And so Tumblr sent me more and more therian and alterhuman posts. At first I related to them because I've always felt connected to animals (though I'd attributed it to my familiarity with them from being an animal artist and former Warriors kid) and because at that point I'd pretended I had a tail for years, even if it didn't quite feel like pretending anymore. But eventually things started hitting too close to home, either touching on really niche experiences I somehow shared or suggesting ideas that the animal side of me yearned to explore, and I soon found myself looking at a mirror and going, "Oh my god I think I'm a therian." I didn't want that! It seemed crazy to me, like taking something I'd just learned about and rolling with it far beyond where I should. Although... I'd felt the same way when I first figured out I was queer, trans, and autistic. So I researched more and more, both on Tumblr and off, until I realized both that I was probably a therian and that it wasn't as much of an overstep to think I was a therian, even if I wasn't, as I'd thought. (Although that's why my blog still says "autistic kinda therian," because I wasn't sure when I wrote it and I still don't feel it's wrong enough to change it.) And as I've been making more posts about it, I've been figuring out my feelings on the matter, so now I feel confident saying that I am nonhuman and I am a therian 100%. (It also helped that I told a high school friend, one who I'd bonded with over having genuine feelings of wanting to not be human [I found that text thread from 2022 and I literally facepalmed, we'd thought it was just autistic but iT IS NOT], and their first reaction was "Same!" I swear...)

So anyway! With all that being said! I like to use the labels nonhuman and therian (though I don't mind being called otherkin or even alterhuman), and I'm playing with the idea of being a physical therian for a couple of reasons that I won't get into here. (If someone asks I'll answer, but I feel like that'd be a bit off-topic for here.) And I'm a husky, though I specifically like to call myself "husky batter poured into a human mold."

Non-humans, what led you to realizing you weren't human? What labels do you currently use to express your non-humanity (if any), and what exactly do you currently identify as?

I'll go first!

(Due to the fact that we as a system share memories due to the lack of blackouts/complete amnesia and are for the most part collectively non-human I, Wolf, will be speaking for us all collectively.)

As a child, from the moment we were able to form a sense of self, we knew we weren't human. We always had that feeling that there was something different about us, something nobody around us would ever understand. So we stayed quiet about it. Why would we ever talk about something that nobody would ever truly understand. Well, that's what we thought for the next 13-ish years of our life. When we first discovered alter-humanity it was through Therianthropy tiktok in 2021 (yes, I know, not the best source of information.) and we started identifying by tiktok's definition of a therian because we thought that's all we needed to know at the time. Just having a "special connection" to animals felt good enough at the time. It wasn't exactly how we felt, but it was "good enough" we thought. Something that we could tell people and they might actually understand. Around a month passed of this situation before we decided to actually do our own research (finally!). And we discovered that Therianthropy actually meant identifying as some non-human animal to some level. We felt like we'd been heard, like we could finally be accepted by a community of others just like us. And that's how it was for about a year. After a year had passed since my discovery of the true definition of Therianthropy, I decided to make my first Therian pack (which was open to all sorts of Therians). This is actually where I met my current best friend, Calix. I'm not gonna go through every detail of what happened during the era of this pack but what I will say is there was some drama and we had to do the right thing which resulted in the loss of my "pack" entirely. But in the end, I realized who my pack truly was (Calix). Sure, maybe it was a small pack but it felt like home to me. An amount of time had passed since then and I became more knowledgeable of the Non-Human community through my Wolf friend, Calix. A lot of things happened but so far along my journey I have discovered more and more about non-humanity then when I started out. Most of my knowledge is accredited to Calix. At some point, he discovered the term "Transspecies" and eventually "Holothere" A.K.A. physical non human, which are two terms we now use as a part of our identity (most of us anyways).

All of the labels we currently use include Therian, otherkin, Holothere, Transspecies, and Non-Human canine (specifically a dog/wolf/werewolf).

At the moment, most of us identify as some type of canine.

What about you? Tell me your story, friend :)

[random-thought-depository]

Re: sensory "bullshit vampire powers" and autism being associated: I think that might lead to an interesting culture contrast between Dorley and the graduate school.

Like, Dorley is probably going to have a higher than background population level of autistic people, because 1) autism and gender-variance often go together, 2) they're selecting for people who don't function well in mainstream society. But Dorley is very culturally allistic. They're very much aiming for a polished middle/upper class conventionally feminine image, and they totally come across as the sort of place where there's a lot of social tight-rope walking, and they're intensely cop-brained in a very neurotypical feminism way. It feels revealing that pretty much all the characters in the original story read allistic to me; like, I feel like an autistic person would likely have a substantially harder time there and have more discontents than we see in people like Christine, Paige, Indira, etc.. Whereas I think the graduate school might be much more heavily selected for autistics, because they're the people most likely to develop interesting vampire abilities when they transition (and they can be selected pretty reliably; Annaliese has a way easier time smelling autism than smelling classical gender dysphoria; autism has a bunch of physiological stuff associated with it, it's going to have a much more obvious body odor signature). And that's going to influence the culture; the graduate school will be a lot more culturally autistic.

Like, Dorley really comes across as the sort of place where if you make a habit of getting up in the morning, brushing your teeth, throwing on a shirt and shorts or a bathrobe, and just hanging out like that, you will get a lot of social pressure to "put some care and effort into your presentation," and authority figures will have words with you about it, and possibly if you're stubborn enough about it there's going to be some sort of truly scary coercive "intervention" about it. Whereas I think the graduate school would be the sort of place where people do that all the time. I think the graduate school would have substantially more tolerance for behaviors that are coded male or don't fit into an upper/middle class socially conventional "proper lady" persona, and would have substantially less hypocrisy.

Like, e.g. I'm modelling both Dorley and the graduate school as actually pretty poly and kinky and horny (including in some pretty messed up ways), but the graduate school as a lot more honest and open about it. Dorley girls definitely come across as the sort of people who have substantial hang-ups about not wanting to be seen as promiscuous or perverted and wanting to pass for the relatively socially accepted wants to get monogamously gay married kind of LGBT person.

---------

I suspect that Dorley would also have a substantially above population average number of a different kind of neurodivergent people: sociopaths. They're literally selecting for antisocial behavior! And I could definitely see this interacting in some weird ways with their whole deal.

I think "housebroken" sociopaths with good self-control might actually be really valuable to and valued by Dorley, for sponsorship and other potentially seriously morally injurious parts of running Dorley, because people who are immune to moral injury would be really useful to them for those roles (sociopaths with bad self-control probably mostly just get washed out). And they're probably not going to consciously know they're doing this, but they're likely going to notice that some women aren't as psychologically damaged by certain jobs, assign those jobs to those women, and value them as people who can do those jobs without burn-out. And they may even be consciously doing this at the highest levels, cause if sociopathy is a neurodivergence Annaliese can likely smell it on people (well, smell small physiological differences downstream of the causative genes).

I think Elle would be very interested in "housebroken" sociopaths as recruits for the graduate school too. There's probably going to be some of them there and they will be very self-aware about it being a neurodivergence (they got picked on the basis of "Annaliese can literally smell it"). Likely they're a good chunk of the ones who second transitioned older and don't look like twenty-somethings; I think Elle would want to give them a decade or two at Dorley first to make sure they're properly housebroken.

And... I'm undecided if I actually want to take her characterization in this direction, but if occurs to me that it would actually make a lot of sense if Maria is a "housebroken" sociopath (or at least cousin-y to that neurotype) who's self-aware about it, especially with the way I'm modelling her? Like, the characterization I've been building for her is that her preferred role in Dorley's administration is basically "Bea's sin-eater"; she takes the most morally injurious parts of Dorley's administration on herself to protect her friend from moral injury. She's the one who consults with Annaliese and decides who to bring into the basement. She's the one who works with Annaliese during the thrall sessions, administering the injection and stuff. Bea doesn't know about the thrall-brainwashing part of what happens to the graduate school girls, but Maria does, and Maria and Elle collude to conceal that knowledge from Bea, and on Maria's part that's partly about wanting to protect her friend from emotional pain.

Tangent: it could just be that I have a very poly-shipping-inclined mind, but am I the only one who gets a Smithers/Mr. Burns vibe from Maria and Bea? I'm definitely inclined toward modelling Elle/Bea/Maria as a poly V (or, like, V with more stuff attached to the sides, we know from the last canon chapter that Maria has another partner and I really, really, super don't see Elle being mono, especially not with a human).

[possibilistfanfiction]

same english football fan here! ty for your answer - v rare that i get to talk with someone who both enjoys football and cares to engage with the context of wider issues in & around the game… i relish the opportunity lol

100% agree about the impact of ‘99 team. i’d say it bled out beyond creating this stagnant image of what the uswnt ‘should’ look like into football more generally. i grew up playing & ‘lesbian’ was one of the worst insults on the pitch - you could see people actively leaning into this hyper-feminine presentation to avoid it (like with tobin…). definitely fucked with my little gay brain, a sport i love subconsciously teaching me i was an insult…

i don’t enjoy alex as a player. at all. some set ups definitely need the player to draw fouls, slow it down etc but i don’t think she’s good enough outside of that? (espec not if you’re going to sideline christen lol) idk comparing her to someone like grealish in eng men - can play a false 9, drawing fouls is a major part of his game but he’s almost stupidly creative on & off the ball. lbr alex’s face fit for the old guard scared of changing dynamics & it’s perhaps kept her more centralised than her talents deserve? (i’m also a bit bitter at her 6 month training holiday at spurs as a former spurs player lol)

could spend pages on christen. watching her play for man utd was a delight - the shift she puts in off the ball, can tell she is someone who gets the game on a fundamental level and reads patterns, not just good w the ball at her feet. agh, so much of your response i haven’t even mentioned - i may return for more football chat lol

first of all i would be remiss to not be like holy shit congrats on playing w spurs?? badass !!

also yah i think that their impact changed women's football in general for sure, but also women's sport more broadly & even just body image for DFAB ppl in general. that sounds like a rly wild claim but i think if we look at diet culture & how the "ideal body type" for women rly started to become a little more "athletic" in the early 90s (e.g., britney spears!) it's impossible to look past brandi chastain's iconic image. & its odd bc that actually has nothing to do with the uswnt itself but it was at the time of this rampant like low-fat, low-carb diet culture rise (i'm sure we all remember the horrifying 100 calorie packs). i think about this, like, every day lol like it’s ok to perform some kind of masculinity (eg sport, muscles, streetwear etc) as long as ur thin, white, wealthy, family-oriented, patriotic, christian, able-bodied, neurotypical, straight, etc etc. it’s just so anti-Black at its core in clear service of the state. i think of it in light of a radical fat politic now & especially during the olympics when its like becoming more & more clear that the surveillance of Black & brown queer femme bodies is more apparent in sport than ever ... the uswnt has this standard that is tied to class & performance & race & sexuality etc. anyway that's a lot but... i rly do think it's true

it's odd too, i think football afforded me the opportunity to perform or present androgyny in a way that my conservative christian family & community deemed okay bc i was just a "tomboy" or, the even more respectable, "an athlete." for me i found an incredible amount of quiet freedom on the field bc of that, even tho i couldn't name it at the time. as i got older i too leaned into trying to be feminine (like tobin) in a way that was just so horrifically dysphoric for me. tobin being a huge homo now is like... soothing lmao like yah babey me too!!

anyway abt football i too don't think alex is great. sure she's scored a lot of goals but like ........ she isn't a wonderful player? i don't love comparing women to men players just bc the game is different in (the best) ways for women but even comparing alex to sinc or viv like... she's boring at best? that's what i could say about her as a player lol. as a person i think she's a democrat so like white women approve of her but she's also so diluted in any opinion that conservatives think she's fine. which is also gross lol

(don’t get me started on how “equal pay” as a crusade without any discussion of a radical, intersectional politic misses the mark so terribly its not even on the same planet but ... )

cp puts on defensive shifts off the ball that are... absolutely nuts. watching her play is truly beautiful bc i don't think anyone in the world plays like her. she's so smart & sees like 20 plays ahead, her finishing is beyond. it's fun to watch her play with tobin honestly bc i think their vision & workrates are so similar but their styles of play are so different (in a fun way tbc lol). i wish we could know what 1v1 days look like at their house lol

anyway pls message me abt football et al anytime!! (if u wanna connect off anon lmk)

[fma03envy]

Ok elaboration time

On the topic of undeserved criticism:

I often see people say stuff along the lines of "Komi Can't Communicate isn't an accurate depiction of what it's like to be neurodivergent and have issues socializing!" which is just. Man like I don't know that. But wouldn't it be nice. Wouldn't it be fucking nice if neurotypicals were willing to accommodate you and genuinely cared about you and made an effort to reach out to you and wanted to be friends no matter what. Wouldn't it be nice if your peers were secretly in awe of you and your isolation was due to their reverence.

This is why I can't understand takes like "this manga's SUPPOSED to be about Komi but it really centers around Tadano. And he's a bland self insert character who the reader is meant to project onto for wish fulfillment". Like I get that he's originally described as generic, but Tadano definitely has a personality, and a core aspect of it is his social intelligence. He's literally so good at guessing people's thoughts that Nakanaka thinks he's a mind-reader, and he can read Komi near-perfectly when Najimi of all people fails! To me this all sounds like the least "relatable" shit in the world! So given that and the fact that we don't directly hear her internal monologue like his, if anything *Komi* reads far more like the blank slate wish fulfillment projection-y protag. Which obviously isn't for everyone but when I see people going "this is unrealistically optimistic, people wouldn't be so nice to a real person who acts like Komi" it's just like. Yeah That's The Point that's literally WHY her character exists

On the topic of undeserved praise:

People neeeeed to stop recommending Komi claiming it treats its queer characters well. It DOESN'T. Obvious example is Yamai being the pervert/stalker/yandere lesbian trope but she's generally unlikable enough that ppl don't call her good rep often, so I'll talk about Najimi instead

I think Najimi often gets called good rep because people conflate "likable and relatable" with "a good depiction of a trans person". And I agree that they're likable, and are intentionally written to be likable. They're sweet and cheerful and silly and fun and get along with everyone; their name is literally a pun off "childhood friend". And though it feels far less intentional, I also see why they would be relatable to trans ppl. Their thing of casually calling themself a girl one minute and a boy the next in an "unclear when they are or aren't joking" way is something that's really common among irl nonbinary people. If Najimi was real there would be nothing whatsoever offensive in how they're describe themself, and I'd give anything for a friend just like them

But Najimi isn't real, and isn't canonically genderfluid or multigender. They're a canonically "ambiguous" joke character written by (afaik) a cis man. In their first introduction Tadano is shocked/angry about them currently being a girl and presenting femininely when they had been a boy the last he'd heard, and he mentally describes them as "Gender unknown! Pathologically dishonest! Simply doesn't make sense!" Given how from then on they're characterized as a harmless but mischievous prankster, it sure seems like the narrative purpose of their alternating identity is for the audience to see them as deceptive.

Also later in the same volume Najimi (a 15yo at the time) barely avoids being sexually assaulted by an old friend (Komi protects them). And the incident is basically brushed off and narratively serves as just a catalyst to make Najimi and Komi friends, bc the author so clearly sees Najimi as a joke that he's incapable of treating anything involving them with gravity ever. Like! The transmisogynistic implications of all this are self-evident! Just bc Najimi's really likable on a Watsonian analysis level doesn't mean you can ignore any of this and call them good/positive representation! God!

The thing about Komi Can't Communicate is that a lot of the criticisms I see of it are wrong but a lot of the praise I see of it is also very wrong

[serialreblogger]

Are there any good poetry books you've read? I'm trying to improve my own poetry

Hmm, I don’t know about poetry books bc I don’t really have the attention span to sit down and read a book of poetry cover to cover, but I can recommend some of my favourite poets! 

Keats is, for me, the pinnacle of linguistic vividness--I like most of the romantic poets, because they’re all like that to a certain extent, but Keats is my favourite. Byron (mentally ill disaster bisexual extraordinaire, I relate to him on a spiritual level), Percy Bysshe Shelley (terrible human being but absolutely gorgeous poetry), and Samuel Taylor Coleridge are also up there on my ranking list, for sure, though Wordsworth is dead boring and doesn’t half match his peers for sheer beauty. (That’s too harsh. Plenty of people like Wordsworth. I myself still do appreciate “Daffodils,” I just find that he’s less to my taste than some of his compatriots. Like, “Michael”? w h y sir I am so bored)

Like, you can (I can, at least) practically taste the colours of Keats’ poetry, or Shelley’s, and Kubla Khan by Coleridge is exquisite (though literary elitists will argue over whether it really counts as “poetry” because it doesn’t profess to have some deep symbolic meaning--it’s just Coleridge trying to remember an opium dream he once had--but like?? It doesn’t have to?? It’s beautiful, isn’t that enough?). If you want specific poem recs, Shelley’s “Ozymandias,” “The Prisoner of Chillon” and “Darkness” by Byron, and Coleridge’s “Rime of the Ancient Mariner” are all eerie and deeply unsettling in the best way; for something less haunting, try “Ode on a Grecian Urn” or “On First Looking Into Chapman’s Homer” by Keats, “Ode to the West Wind” by Shelley, and “The Eolian Harp” by Coleridge (and, of course, “Kubla Khan” by Coleridge too).

I also love Gerard Manley Hopkins, even though it’s pretty much impossible to tell what he’s talking about on the first read-through of any given poem. But I mean, depending on how you feel re: religion/Christianity that may not be a bad thing, because he was one of those Catholics that are like “deeply tormented by the degree of my religious devotion (and how it plays into my undiagnosed depression and anxiety) but also trying to find comfort in that same religion” (...which may be a very specific description but like. young!me felt that). Regardless, though, even if you’re not comfy with that kind of Christianity, and even if you can’t figure out “as kingfishers catch fire” or “the windhover,” just--you don’t need to understand them? Like:

As kingfishers catch fire, dragonflies draw flame; as tumbled over rim in roundy wells stones ring; as each tucked string tells, each hung bell’s  bow swung finds tongue to fling out broad its name, each mortal thing does one thing and the same...

That’s just gorgeous. At least, I think so, so I recommend Hopkins. He also has some really good depression poems, but those are more explicitly “tormented Catholic,” so like. I’m not saying don’t read his sonnets of suffering, because for me they’re more cathartic than triggering most times--but if you want to steer clear of that I recommend still reading “The Caged Skylark,” “The Windhover,” and if you’re ok with overt mentions of Christianity also “as kingfishers catch fire,” “Pied Beauty” and “God’s Grandeur.” This has been an unofficial Best of Hopkins playlist recommendation by Linden.

Elizabeth Barrett Browning is a name you might’ve heard, but she’s mostly known for “how do I love thee? let me count the ways,” which is an excellent poem but also a huge disservice to her as a poet. If you’re interested at all in 19th-century feminism, excellent poetry, and/or willing to slog through a long one, check out Aurora Leigh.

Also Christina Rosetti!! A very cool human being and “Goblin Market” is like, a cult classic among a sub-subcategory of english literary scholarship, because it’s so creative and gorgeous to read and also such a revolutionary (for her time) commentary on female value and sexuality. Also 19th century, so bear in mind that it’s,, well actually it’s probably still revolutionary for our time, a little bit, in some circles. But it shouldn’t be, and it’s still certainly bound by the limitations of 19th-century expectations of femininity, so like, I wouldn’t hold it up as an example of modern feminist ideals, it’s just a v cool exploration of feminine sexuality, transgression and redemption in a society that was very firmly of the “once spoiled, ever soiled” mentality. 

And finally we can’t forget Oscar Wilde. This is not strictly poetry but he had a similar gift for language as the Romantics--see if you can find a copy of De Profundis, the letter he wrote from prison. It’s, again, not poetry, but the way it reads will definitely help you develop your voice if you want to build in the direction of “vivid imagery without actually describing any images.” Oscar Wilde is an,, interesting human being to learn about, and I’m pretty sure he wasn’t neurotypical; the way he saw the world was so unique, and sometimes that wasn’t a good thing re: how he treated people, but the way he thought and the way he described everything--it’s just. It may not always have been good, but it was always breathtakingly beautiful.

Sorry, this got quite long :P anyway I am always down to natter at length about 17th-19th century writers, and especially poets!! Unfortunately I don’t know much re: modern poetry, so if anyone wants to add more recent (or even, heaven forbid, still living) poets to this list please feel free to do so!!

**Also like!! I just realized some of this might come off as pretentious (“I can, at least”) and that is not at all my intention. If you don’t like these poets/don’t find their works as beautiful/vivid as I do you’re VALID poetry is highly subjective because it relies on minimal words to convey highly complex imagery and ideas, so depending on what associations individuals have with those words, every given poem has a different effect on different people. This is my personal taste but it might not be yours and that’s not a sign of superiority on either of our parts, it’s just how the English language and art as a whole works and that’s cool and okay!

[azdoine]

A followup on Henry Darger

So about a week ago I made some pretty brusque posts about Henry Darger -- an outsider artist infamous for his depictions of young gender-variant children, both as epic innocent heroes and as victims of graphic violence.

Last night, my copy of Henry Darger, Throwaway Boy by Jim Elledge came in the mail, and I am deeply conflicted about it.

On the whole I think that Throwaway Boy was a necessary book, as a sympathetic, queer, and exhaustively-researched reading of Darger and his work, but it was also a deeply frustrating book.

Elledge presents a strong account of historical queerness during the time of Darger’s life, but he views historical transfemininity as something primarily or solely imposed upon cis gay men, rather than something which might have existed for its own sake; and this colors all of his analysis, not just of Darger. Elledge misgenders and deadnames infamous historical trans women such as Jennie June, claims the hermaphrodite as a figure and symbol primarily of male homosexuality rather than gender-variance more broadly, and, evil of evils, unironically uses the word “transgendered”.

Nevertheless, Elledge presents an almost irrefutable argument that Darger was queer; almost certainly trans feminine, IMHO, although Elledge reads and presents Darger as a cis gay man, perhaps not unfairly.

Elledge’s research contributes a number of items to this end and others, which he relates to the reader:

Henry “Extremely Neurotypical” Darger

Henry “was a little too funny and made strange noises” with his “mouth, nose and throat” during class. He wanted his classmates to think he was a clever, fun-loving boy and hoped they would laugh. His plan backfired. Instead of being invited into the fold as he’d hoped, the other boys and girls were so aggravated by Henry that they gave him “saucy and hateful looks.” Some even told him that, if he didn’t stop it, they’d put him in his place after school.

...

Henry was also called on the carpet for moving his hands up and down and back and forth in the air, gestures that the adults around him probably identified as masturbatory, although he described them as “pretending it was snowing” or “raining.”

The Boyfriend Situation

Henry was proud to boast that “every evening and Sunday afternoons off” he “went visiting a special friend of mine”--”special friend” giving an important clue as to their relationship. In the early 1900s, gay men often used “special friend” and similar phrases as codes for their mates, and with that phrase, Henry cast his and Whillie’s liason as romantic and almost certainly sexual. By also bragging that they were together “every evening and Sunday afternoons” that the two didn’t work, Henry hinted at the intensity of their relationship. Like any couple in love, they spent every free minute that they had in each other’s company.

Marie

Henry... feminized himself in a variety of ways, both in his first novel and in its source materials. Midway through The Realms, Henry included a scene that he borrowed from his childhood, and in it, he depicted himself as "Marie," an adult woman recalling her mother's death when she was a child...

Clearly echoing the scene of his mother's deathbed, Henry depicted himself as a "frightened little girl" who had been "inflicted" with "a wound" in her "soul" that had "never healed." He also revealed that he understood why his father had abandoned him over over and over: because [his mother's] death had "driven" [his father] "insane and he knew not what he was doing" when he threw Henry away. Despite the many times his father abandoned him, Henry, adopting the persona of the mature Marie, was tender and understanding towards his father's grief.

Of Pretty Style

In the penultimate volume of The Realms, Henry added another scene... It’s a memo written by two of his characters, Detectives Fox and West...

Henry depicted himself as one of “the two little girl children of pretty style” who were his father’s daughters. The second “little girl” was his sister, whom he never knew... his anger over his father’s “insanity” and his “foolish grief” that stemmed from “the loss of his wife” comes through loud and clear. In stark opposition to Marie’s recollection, the detectives assert that the father wallowed in his grief and ignored his children, putting their emotional and physical welfare after his own.

Annie Aronburg

To familiarize himself with Church doctrine before taking communion, Henry carefully copied a Roman Catholic catechism word for word from a published edition into a notebook that has been called his Reference Ledger. He wrote an introduction to the catechism that he copied, but he signed it with the name of one of his most important characters, Annie Aronburg, whom he named after his favorite aunt. This is not the only time that Annie had "authored" one of Henry's texts. Two pages into the introduction to the catechism, Annie makes an interesting claim: "I am the full writer of the manuscript as far as it goes of the Glandelinians and the rebels at the child labor places, and will have them published as soon as I can." She, according to Henry, wrote The Realms, and... she thinks it's good enough to publish.

Henry continued to use Annie as a persona, a resource, and a guide outside of the novel for decades. After Sister Rose left St. Joseph’s in 1917, she and Henry corresponded for a short time. One of the things that makes their correspondence so important is the fact that Henry doctored her letters to him so that it appears that she was not writing to Henry at all but to Annie Aronburg. The original version of one, dated June 19, 1917, begins:

My dear Henry

    Both of your letters reached me and I am grateful for your kind thought. I am glad that you are trying to be an even better boy since I left.

Henry's doctored version of her letter became:

    My dear Aronburg

    Both of your letters reached me and I am grateful for your kind thought. I am glad that you are trying to be an even better girl since I left.

He would also revise other documents, such as his discharge papers from the army, by crossing out specific words and inserting others so that the documents referred to Annie, again metaphorically transforming himself into her.

Webber George

Despite all the similarities between Henry and the Vivians, the character who represents Henry most strikingly is not any of the Vivians... but Webber George...

Webber shares more important attributes with Henry than any other character Henry ever created. Henry established the link between himself and Webber almost immediately...

Of all the similarities between Webber and Henry, being a “thoroughly bad boy” is the most important and, ultimately, the most revealing. Henry admitted over and over again how “bad” he had been as a child and gave plenty of examples, but he could never bring himself to reveal why. After strongly linking himself to Webber, Henry made an amazing revelation about Webber and, by extension, about himself: “One cause mainly of the boy being bad, and a foolish one at that was that was because he was angry at God for not having created him into a girl which he wanted to be more than anything else.” Henry’s anger at God, which began when he was five or six years old, was certainly caused by the physical and sexual abuse he suffered, by the jealousy he felt because other children’s parents were taking care of them while his father ignored him, and by the general mistreatment he experienced, usually at the hands of adults. Yet Henry was also angry--which became manifest in his “thoroughly bad” behavior--because he wanted to be female instead of male, just as his ten-year-old doppelganger Webber did...

Webber’s desire to have been born female rather than male was Henry’s. Webber’s anger was Henry’s, too. Webber transferred his anger from God to those around him. He couldn’t lash out at the Divine, so he lashed out at any little girl around him because a little girl “had many advantages which [a little] boy did not...”

Henry pushed the envelope even further a few pages later. He actually entered the narrative and spoke directly to the reader as himself in nineteenth-century fashion. In the process he essentially admitted that he was part of Chicago’s queer subculture. “The reader may think this”--Webber’s desire to have been born female--is “strange,” Henry wrote, but “the writer knows quite a number of boys who would give anything to have been born a girl.”

[spif-lol]

An Ode to Gender Noncomformity

I wrote a poem sort of thing about my feelings around gender. It is very long and very open so um, soz 

I don’t know how early I felt uncomfortable about being a girl.

 From my earliest memory, my closest friends were boys. I played with lego, with nerf, with my brother and his friends. But I also played with barbies, with dress ups, with other girls. I wasn’t one of the boys, I liked ‘girly’ things.

But I’m thankful to my parents for raising my brother and I gender neutral. We both learnt to cook, to clean. We weren’t steered away from toys for the other gender. That stuff’s probably a big part of who I am today.

When I was 9 years old I got my hair cut short. 

There’s photo evidence too, of a little boy holding his newborn baby brother, wearing simpsons pyjamas. 

Except that boy is me. It’s because I read a book in which there was a girl called Georgina who cut her hair short and asked everyone to call her George. This spoke to me so strongly that I knew I had to do the same. 

My mum humoured me. I wore hand me downs from my male cousins. Someone yelled ‘boy-girl’ at me across the playground in the same way people yell slurs. I didn’t know then. I was just annoyed that I stood out like that. 

If I had had those experiences in today’s climate, would I be considered transgender? Would my mum have allowed me to cut my hair? 

Eventually I decided I liked my long hair, annoying as it can be. Many years later I wore dresses by choice, and rejoiced in them. Pants had always given me a sense of power, of security, of comfort. But dresses could do the same, I realised, and be freeing in other ways.

A ‘friend’ once told me he would list all of my worst qualities. He didn’t get past the first one – that I assert my masculinity too much. I was so baffled by this and I questioned him to his meaning. But I understood it. I just couldn’t comprehend why me sitting like a boy, being loud, hanging out with boys, being outspoken, authoritative, blunt (masculine traits?). How could those be flaws of mine? I ponder this sometimes still.

Do I hate my body?

 Is it just my asexuality

That makes me detest the existence of genitalia, 

of sex, 

makes me uncomfortable? 

It’s a factor for sure. I just wish this wasn’t an issue, that gender didn’t exist. That we could just be people and things weren’t so weird. I like the idea that before they left the garden adam and eve weren’t male and female, not really. There would be no need for that anyway. And the bible all but tells us that gender won’t be a thing in heaven – ‘There is neither Jew or Gentile, neither slave nor free, nor is there male and female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus’ 

I do not hate my body. I do not hate my hips. 

I do not hate my long hair. Or my breasts. Or my lips. 

But I hate the obsession with gender. I hate the discomfort I have with myself. 

I don’t like feeling less of a girl because I don’t wear makeup, 

Or because I’m a bit of a slob, and I do nothing with my hair 

Or because I don’t get along with girls on more than a surface level most of the time, no matter how hard I try. 

I want to be a girl but I am not, while also being one fully. 

One of my teachers at bible college taught us girls about what being a biblical woman means. I remember my friend’s frozen face, holding in tears, after we were told that women being inferior was a part of God’s very good design for the world, and that that is how God always intended things to be. After this discussion my friend hung back and spent our break poring over the bible and writing examples of God’s love for women on the whiteboard until it was full. I watched, my heart hurting. 

Being a girl is not fun. It’s painful, it’s vulnerable, it’s infuriating. As a Christian it’s even worse, whilst society progresses. I’m lucky I don’t feel called to preaching because I’d never be allowed 

‘Feminine’ traits of mine that would probably be praised as such – compassion, a call to serve, to humility, to being a helper, submitting myself - make me furious because the bible tells us God wants all people to be like that. I am not ‘being a girl’ by having those traits; I am just being human. Is it the world’s misogyny that makes me not feel like a girl? 

Captain Marvel sparks my enthusiasm, but also my gender dysphoria 

I am in awe of Brie Larson, her strength, her confidence, her compassion She speaks so well, but every video I watch is met with comments about her arrogance, 

her bitchiness, 

her wrongness.

And I am angry. 

Because she doesn’t seem like that at all. 

To me. 

And the (male) actors speak just like her 

Are just as cocky 

But they aren’t punished for it 

What’s the difference? 

Just that she is 

A girl 

I feel like her. Like I am being told by the world to know my place. 

But I can’t 

I can’t shut up. 

I can’t back down. 

I don’t have to prove myself. 

I guess I have to make myself comfortable with discomfort. 

I am out of place, in the cracks of society, of what we are told is true, in so many ways. 

I’ve known I’m asexual for years, not straight for sure, but not LGBT enough, gay enough, different enough. I can’t relate fully to either section, or even within the asexual community. 

And I have a lot of mild conditions – anxiety, depression, adhd, autism. I’m not normal, neurotypical, but I don’t struggle the way other neurodivergents struggle

Maybe labels don’t help that way. Maybe being an individual is enough. 

But it also isn’t 

I need to figure out who I am

 I’m a Christian, but God I don’t want to be a Christian. 

I look at Christians and I see hatred and tradition and ungodliness and I am angry 

I look at non-Christians and I see shallowness and selfishness and ungodliness and I am confused 

My God is my own, and yet everyone else’s 

But also nobody’s 

Gender’s like that too I guess 

I’m tempted to say that gender’s not a real thing 

That your body is just your body and your personality is unique, unconnected 

But we are made of our experiences and our gender informs that 

I can’t leave being a girl behind, even on the days when I want to be nonbinary. 

I hang out with my groups of male friends, more comfortable, feeling more like them than in a group of girls. But I am not one of the boys. I am distinct. Myself. They can’t understand what being a girl is like. And I can’t reach into the experience of being a boy. Even though I have a mix of understanding, of gendered things. I had a boyfriend once but mostly I admire girls, girls, girls everywhere. How does anyone ever figure themselves out? 

Does gender dysphoria 

A trans person make? 

 Maybe, maybe not, nevertheless, as ungirllike as I am 

I was born a girl, have seen the struggles of girls and struggled with them 

So nonbinary as I may feel, 

femininity I will claim as my own, weaponize it, rise up and do what I can to help others 

With my femininity 

With my masculinity 

With my humanity 

[antimony-medusa]

Fic Red Flags

Here’s a question. What is a Fic red flag for you? Putting aside like, specific triggers, what’s something that makes you go “Oh this is not for me” and stop reading?

I think mine are:

Tense errors

Too much trauma, not enough weight given to aftermath/recovery (there’s a point where sad becomes ridiculous, and ehhhh)

People described by their hair colour and not names and pronouns, especially if you’re in a fandom where people have unusual hair colours. Please don’t refer to the man as “the pinkette”. Also that’s the feminine form.

This one is obvious but— a read on my fave characters that makes me go “... no? But no? Excuse me?”

People being mad at each other for no reason other than drama, where I think they’d work through it. Please be nice to each other. 

Characters being perfect therapist-trained emotionally intelligent figures to the point that they don’t feel real at all. I don’t know anyone in my life who’s that emotionally intelligent, we are all dumbasses who care about each other.

Poverty used as set-dressing/unrealistic depictions of poverty. I mean, sometimes I overlook this because people don’t know, but. Sometimes people are clearly extrapolating what they think the poors live like and hmmmmmmm. Food banks exist in most modern cities, as a start. 

Children who don’t feel like children. 

Demonization of mental illness or neurotypicality. I will occasionally endure this if it’s obviously the character thinks that not the text, and there’s a learning curve. But. Hmmm. 

Disability used for tragedy. That’s a fine arc. That’s just not for me. 

[dancinjanssen]

Hi. Fully vaccinated (even both doses of COVID-19) autistic person here. First and foremost: vaccines do not cause autism. You need to wipe that from your memory entirely because the retracted “study” from 20 years ago on it is just about the most idiotic piece of so-called academia I’ve ever read. Also, how many of you anti-vaxxers have actually read the study? The study itself, not a mommy blog post about it. I have, and it quite literally claimed that vaccines cause leaky gut and the toxic gut fluid travels to your brain and makes you autistic. Why anyone still believes that shit is beyond my wildest fathoms. Again, it was retracted AND Andrew Wakefield was charged with fraud over it and lost his medical license.

Two: Your statement that you want a “normal” child is loaded and hurtful. You’re looking at autism as a disease that you wouldn’t want your child to “have” when it’s not like that at all. It’s a different way of thinking, much like other differences in thinking that are present even just among neurotypical people. Some are better at math and logical thinking, others art and creative thinking. You don’t know going into pregnancy whether your kid is going to like sports or music, more masculine or more feminine clothes, English or science classes, etc. So, being completely straightforward the way we autistic people tend to be, if you can’t handle the possibility of your child having slightly different challenges but also different STRENGTHS than their neurotypical peers, you don’t deserve to be a parent, and I feel sorry for any kids you have who have your own narrow ideal of “normal”- whatever that means- to live up to.

And finally: It’s hilarious that you think that the neurotypical life is a primrose path with rainbow-farting unicorns and the autistic life is nothing but hell from start to finish. Good luck with that. I hope your perfect “normal” kid isn’t sick all the time, allergic to anything, depressed, or any of the slew of other conditions that happen to anyone and everyone. I’m happy with my life right now. I’m lucky enough to have a job that incorporates one of my special interests and the opportunities to indulge in my other ones in my free time. Maybe listen to more actual autistic people talk about their experiences and spend less time with Autism Speaks and “autism moms”. (Not the same as mothers of autistic children.)

[to-be--naked]

Michael Agras

Things that worry or annoy me with Michael

Reasons I am Breaking Up with Michael

Things regarding Michael Agras...

His jokes are kind of tedious, and there is no wit

I’m being codependent. It's putting me in unrelenting crisis.

He doesn't hype me up enough

I feel like if I got too unstable, he would leave

He gets defensive and angry a lot

He takes me for granted

He makes me feel unimportant

He has shit ass communication skills

I’m having mass jealousy issues

He won’t talk things out in a fight. Today yelling at me that he “isn’t fucking negotiating shit” with me. Bc he promised me three days, and I settled for anyway this weekend and Friday that works on his whim. 01.28.21... // he seems to be taking into consideration my feelings and needs more, and changing/adapting. It's not a huge difference, but the fact he immediately started doing it, like I didn't have to ask twice, is really promising. He listened. I was heard 02.08.2021

He makes me feel like I ask for too much

He just leaves a convo, and doesn’t say what he is doing or when he will be back. Then gets annoyed when im wtf is going on?

He straight up said, “I dont know how to handle your emotions”. 01.28.2021 // idk if im getting better about expressing myself, or he is reacting differently, but its a little better? 02.08.2021

He apparently doesn’t learn from mistakes. Apparently I am saying the same stuff Alyssa and his parents say. Like, uhhh, maybe YOU are the problem? 01.28.2021

He masterbates to porn

He doesn't appreciate good music

Im worried that either A) our relationship won’t work as I can’t explore my whole self B) I won’t explore my whole self bc of our relationship.

He can be kind of ignorant

He isn’t as intelligent as most the men I get serious serious with

When I make reaction sounds to things while I’m on the phone with him, he doesn’t inquire about them. Feels like he isn’t interested in me

He isn’t deep

We have nothing to talk about a lot of the time

vvv HUGE PROBLEM vvv

He doesn’t see me as the gender that I am

He holds me back from exploring that part of myself bc im always seen as female, and stereotypical feminine characteristics and behaviors are rewarded with attention and praise.

He is straight

Not in touch with his feelings

No strong pull to help others

Not spiritual or religious

No STRONG pull to be a father.

I dont feel passion. I feel desire, but no passion.

I am not in love with him

He is not in love with me

He isnt over Alyssa 01.26.2021

Im not over rick 01.25.2021

Uhm, he just “read” my okcupid profile, and didnt say a word about it. That profile lays out black and white who I am and who i want to be. ALL of my goals and ambitions. Every media thats had a significantg impact on me. Nothing??!!

He will never understand the hurt i have gone through or the pain I carry with me daily

He isn’t good at communicating certain things and it triggers my BPD

Its not a big deal, but he really isnt hairy enough for my taste

He doesn’t understand existential angst

He doesn’t understand spiritual angst

He can’t articulate his emotions

He doesnt understand how hard life inherently is for me.

He doesnt share ALL of the same humor (important ones too)

I hold back saying things in fear he will want to leave me

From what I’ve seen, im going to have to always say sorry first

He isn't romantic, and im a hopeless romantic

nbd, but he likes really stupid humor. god, when i wanted to watch Frasier, he said that show was “too smart” for him. How can you not love frasier. Well, i guess by not understanding it

He isn’t very reassuring. He used to be tho

His gender is sooooo boring and one-deminsional 

he will say stuff like “i dont have to x” and then get madd when i say ok, then dont do x...

he just told me that he looks at porn while we are on the phone together

He doesnt show any interest in learning about my past. I have a complex history, and its important the person i am with can recognize how that has effected me. “i had an hour long seizure” oh, okay. “they took away my psych meds when i was in jail” *head nod and continues to play video games “my dad used to beat me” im sorry. WHAT THE FUCK

I dont feel seen.

I feel like we are on different wavelengths.

he says the fucking n word. not cool dude! he doesnt even have any black friends!

he has no interest in learning about my disorders and how they effect me

He never seems interested in things that I say

there are a lot of questions that i dont ask bc i dont want to know the answer

he doesnt reassure me enough

two different ideras on non mono and poly

ive started apologizing a lot and feeling like a bother

he gets quiet during fights and it triggers me

I know he doesn’t use they/them when talking about me to others

Things I <3 about michael

He is encouraging

He respects my feelings

He is patient with me.

He is goofy

He buys me things

Potentially neurotypical babies (but DO I want that? id be the odd one out)

💕💕💕 He is a good daddy 💕💕💕 (not really anymore tho feb 4, 2021)

He pushes me to be better

his teeth are both cute and well taken care of

He is healthy

he is tall 

His life is well-balanced

I think he may be someone capable of change.

He has a stable career

[precise-desolation]

Pride Month 4 - Flags (Part 2)

[[Aaaand we’re back.  With more flags.  Still focusing mainly on sexual orientations this time.  I’ll get to gender next weekend.  (With the exception of the transgender flag, as that flag is common enough that it warranted a place in the first flag post.)  Again, this will be long, so it’s under a read-more.  

I’ve also added the color meanings to the section on the ace flag in Part 1.  Additionally, there are some things in this post I don’t know very much about and Google was less than helpful.  So please, if I got something wrong or if you know some of the things I don’t, let me know.  I’d love to make this more complete.

This is a lesbian pride flag, one of several.  It was created in 1999 by Sean Campbell.  The flag features three prominent elements: the purple background, the black triangle, and the labrys.

The purple background is representative of spirit, as with the rainbow pride flag.  The black triangle is representative of the black triangles that marked “asocial” female prisoners in Holocaust concentration camps.  Same-sex attraction was one of the things that could get a woman branded as asocial.  I will include more about the black triangle this coming weekend in a post on symbols.  The final piece of this flag is the labrys.  This is a double headed battle axe associated with Minoan society, was was thought to be matriarchal, and with the legendary Amazons, an all female society.

This is the lipstick lesbian flag.  The flag was created by unnamed blogger in 2010.  It’s intention was to give the lesbian community a flag of their own.  (Granted, this was about 11 years after the first lesbian flag.)

Lipstick lesbians is a term that dates back to the 1980s in - you guessed it - San Francisco, seeming the the origin of most things queer.  This categorization was part of a larger cultural structure.  This is something we have seen break down with the recent trend of normalization of same-sex couples and the acknowledgement of a gender spectrum along with third wave feminism and the push for gender equality.  That influence has created a breakdown in some of the strict heteronormative gender roles that used to impact the LGBTQ community.

Until the last decade or so, there was an unspoken rule that somebody in the relationship had to “wear the pants,” so to speak.  Even in same-sex couples, there was an expectation that one partner would take on a more traditionally feminine role while the other would take on a more traditionally masculine role.  In Steve and Bucky’s day, this was expressed in the gay/bisexual male community with the term ‘punk’, among others.  A punk would have been the effeminate, passive partner.  (I’ll do a post on New York queer slang from Bucky and Steve’s youth.)

In lesbian culture, there were bulldykes** or butches and fems, or lipstick lesbians.  Butches were the more masculine lesbian/bi women, as the name suggests.  A woman who was a fem or lipstick lesbian took on a more traditionally feminine roll.  They did - and still do, as there are many women in the queer community who consider themselves lipstick lesbians and fems - most of the things that society would have deemed properly feminine.  They wore dresses and makeup, styled their hair, and were generally unidentifiable as lesbians/bi.  (This was in contrast to butches, who dressed in a more masculine manner and generally performed social roles associated with men.)  In today’s queer community, the terms fem or lipstick lesbian refer to a woman who is very feminine in their gender expression.

And to round out sexual orientations, this is the aromantic flag.  My google-fu did not get me a date of origin or a creator, so I’m not entirely sure where/when this originated.  People who are aromantic, or aro, do not experience romantic attraction.  This does not mean that they cannot form emotional bonds, it simply means that they are not attracted to people in a romantic sense.  It also does not mean that they are asexual, although a large number of aromantic people do fall on the asexual spectrum.

The colors of this flag represent different part of the aromantic spectrum just as the colors of the asexual flag represent the asexual spectrum.  Green was chosen because it is opposite red on the color wheel, red being the color traditionally used to represent romance.  Yellow was chosen to symbolize friendship, as in the language of flowers this is the meaning of a yellow rose.  Orange falls between yellow and red and represents grey-romantics and demiromantics - respectively, people who only occasionally experience romantic attraction and people who only experience romantic attraction when they already have a strong emotional bond with the person.  Black represents total lack of romantic attraction.

This is also the aromantic flag.  Again, I do not know who created it or when, only that it is newer than the previous flag.  From what I have found, it was changed from the previous flag because the original looked too much like a Rastafarian flag.

In this new version, green is still used for aromantics, as green is the opposite of red.  From what I’ve found, the yellow is for lithoromantics, which the internet defined as someone who can experience romantic attraction and may enjoy the idea of a romantic relationship, but does not actually wish to be part of one.  The grey stripe is for grey-romantics.  And the black stripe is for demiromantics.

And this is, yet again, the aromantic flag.  Like the two previous flags, I don’t know who created this or when, only that this is the most recent.  The yellow stripe was changed to white to accommodate autistic members of the community who are sensitive to yellow.  There is a large overlap between the aromantic spectrum community and the autistic spectrum community.  This is not to say that all aro people are autistic, as there are aro people who are neurotypical or at least not on the autistic spectrum.  This is also not to say that all people on the autistic spectrum are aro.

The colors in this flag are very much like the last.  Green is for aromantics, white for lithoromantics, grey for grey-romantics, and black for demiromantics.

From here we move on to flags that are a bit more fringe, as these groups are sometimes not identified (by themselves or by others) as part of the LGBTQ community.

This is the intersex flag.  It was created in 2013 by an Australian international intersex organization.  Their aim was to create a flag that did not use pink and blue symbolism.  The organization declared that yellow and purple were the intersex colors.  The circle represents strength.  From the organization’s description:

“The colour yellow has long been regarded as the hermaphrodite[**] colour, neither blue nor pink. Purple, too, has been used for the same purpose – including on this site. The circle is unbroken and unornamented, symbolising wholeness and completeness, and our potentialities. We are still fighting for bodily autonomy and genital integrity, and this symbolises the right to be who and how we want to be.”

This goes back to something mentioned in the section on the trans* flag, which was that many intersex infants are assigned a binary gender at birth and begin treatment to make them appear “normal” well before they are old enough to make an informed decision about their own bodies.  Sometimes this is even done without the parents’ knowledge, and some intersex people do not find out that they are intersex until puberty or into adulthood and may have great difficulty obtaining accurate medical records.  There are a number of intersex advocacy groups fighting to abolish this practice.

This is another intersex flag.  This one was created by Natalie Phox in 2009.  Like the other, newer flag, it seeks to give intersex people a symbol of their own.  This one combines the traditional baby colors, pink and blue, to represent people who are both or neither.

The reason intersex people are questionably a part of the LGBTQ community is due to their own definitions of who they are.  Some members of the intersex community do not wish to be associated with the LGBTQ community, as they do not feel that their identity falls within the bounds of this group.  Others do categorize themselves as part of the LGBTQ community.

This is the straight ally flag.  (I could not find a larger image, which should tell you something about this flag and how it’s viewed...)  This originated in the late 2000s, but there is not a known origin or creator for it.

This flag combines the umbrella LGBTQ flag, the six striped rainbow flag, with the straight pride flag, which I do not plan to give its own section.  The upward pointing V is supposed to look like an A, representing allies and activism.  The straight pride flag consists of black and white stripes.  Black and white are not part of the rainbow and also express a binary.  The straight pride flag originated with a number of anti-LGBTQ groups.  This ties into both the reason I do not plan to include a section on the straight pride flag and why the ally flag is sometimes seen as a mark of bad allies.  

The idea of straight pride is similar in nature to the idea of white pride.  Certainly people who are straight should be proud of their sexual orientation, as a part of a more sex-positive society.  This is just as white people should take pride in their ancestry, because it tells them about their origins.  However, just as there is a very good reason we do not have “white history month” to counter black history month, there is a reason we do not have a “straight pride month” to counter LGBTQ pride month.

Historically in Western society, the dominant group has been straight, white, cisgender, Christian men.  You may be familiar with the saying “history is written by the victor.”  Similarly, history is written by those with privilege.  As such, the histories of oppressed groups tend not to be taught or to be written out of history entirely.  This is why we have ‘history’ as a mandatory subject, but once one reaches higher education one may take ‘women’s history’ or ‘LGBTQ history’ or ‘black history’ as electives.  These are separate classes because the histories of these groups and their contributions to the world at large are not taught as part of mainstream history curriculums.  

Let me repeat that for the people in the back: The histories and contributions of oppressed groups are not part of our mandatory education on Western civilization.  As a person who is queer, female bodied, and part Latin@, I have had to go out on my own to try to find out about people like me.  Black history month exists to highlight the contributions of Black people.  Women’s history month exists to highlight the contributions of women.  LGBTQ pride month exists to allow LGBTQ visibility and teach about the contributions of LGBTQ people.  Many LGBTQ people grow up believing there is something wrong with them because they do not fit into the heteronormative, cissexist mold of mainstream Western society.  They may, in fact, be told exactly that and worse by parents, teachers, religious leaders, and their government.  (As an aside, shame on our current vice president for his contributions to that.)  That’s why visibility is so important.  It lets people know they aren’t alone.  That’s why LGBTQ pride is so important.  It lets people know there is nothing wrong with them and that people like them have made great contributions to the world.

So back to the idea of straight pride and a straight pride flag.  We do not need a white history month, because every month is white history month.  We do not need a men’s history month, because every month is men’s history month.  And we do not need a straight pride month, because every month is straight pride month.  The same need for visibility does not exist for these groups because they are the dominant groups.  They are the ones who control the narrative.  The only people who think we need a white pride month are racists who refuse to acknowledge their own privilege.  The only people who think we need men’s history month are sexists who refuse to acknowledge their own privilege.  The only people who think we need a straight pride month are straight, cisgender people who refuse to acknowledge their own privilege.  (I do realize that most straight allies do not feel there is a need for a straight pride month.)

The purpose of a pride flag is to emphasize unity, community, and bravery.  The courage to be oneself in spite of sometimes violent opposition.  Straight allies, by using this flag, attempt to insert themselves as a part of the LGBTQ community and attempt to send a message that they are brave for standing up for LGBTQ people.  And while some members of the queer community do count straight allies as a part of the community, just as many feel that they are not.  Likewise, many people within the LGBTQ community feel that it is not particularly brave or special to simply do the right thing.  An argument can be made for the difficulty of standing up for what is right when one knows there may be severe negative consequences for doing so, and historically this has been the case for straight allies, so this perhaps does earn them their flag.

In the end, it comes down to privilege.  Those who exclude allies from the LGBTQ community are not attempting to devalue the work of allies, because there have been significant contributions made to the fight for LGBTQ equality by people who are not themselves queer.  What they are saying is that straight allies do not - cannot - fully understand what it’s like to navigate the world as a queer person.  And this is a perfectly legitimate view.  

**It should be noted that these terms may now be considered offensive.

[catalogueofaliens]

WHY IT’S NOT SO SIMPLE FOR ME TO CALL MYSELF A FEMINIST

TW: trans antagonism, mainstream/white/cis feminism, assault mention, mention of police, white supremacist mention, trans exclusion, erasure, cissexism, misogyny, internalised bullshit, patriarchy

[DISCLAIMER: This is my very personal take on this and something I’m still working through. I am a 28yo, white, middle-class, able-bodied, queer, trans non-binary pretty boy with mental illness and everything I say here is coming from that perspective, drag me if I overstep. TERFS not welcome tx]

When I allowed feminism into my life I was already past 21 years old. I had resisted in that way that a lot of people do – because it was uncool, because it was misconstrued as bra-burning/man-hating (things I’ve come to enjoy a lot more about it later on – certainly things I vastly prefer to the trans exclusionary, white supremacist nature of mainstream feminism). Then I started reading Tavi Gevinson’s blog and followed her over to Rookie mag and it changed me in a way that has been fundamentally important to the shape that my life has taken, largely in that it helped me to see power in things that had been robbed of their power by a patriarchal society, and in that it helped me find queer theorists and queer people online who helped me to make sense of the shit I’d been struggling to name since I was a kid. So yeah, a lot of this has been good, but I want to talk about what was bad about it, I want to highlight the ways feminism hurt me and continues to hurt me, because feminism is not every assigned female person’s saviour, and sometimes it does very real harm that cis white women don’t see, because it is only ever empowering to them, because it is designed by them and for them.

Feminism made me believe in my femme self, which is great and continues to be empowering and important for me as a non-binary person. But, it also made me suppress my masc self. Not only that, but it made me believe my masculinity, which I now see as an important and nuanced part of who I am, was merely a product of the patriarchy, and that my enactment of particular forms of masculinity (I am not here for toxic masculinity, thanks) was in fact a reflection of my oppression and a perpetuation of that very oppression. I came to believe that the boy who lives in my head was an oppressive, patriarchal implant. I came to believe that the fact that I relate so easily to male characters in books and shows (especially gentle and/or queer male characters) was a result of them being given much more airtime and being treated as the default, not because there was something about them that felt like looking in the mirror. Now, it definitely is the case that cis (white) men are given much more airtime and are treated as the default, and maybe there’s something in that that makes them easier to relate to, and yes, they tend to be given more complex characters and stuff so there is more of a range for relating, but feminism hurt me by making me believe that was all that was going on. When I literally felt like I could see my own face in a boy on TV or when my whole body ached for the cute queer kid who was figuring himself out one painful step at a time, I wasn’t just relating to a well-drawn character, I was the character. They were me. I probably will never know myself better than when I read a character I relate to.

Mainstream feminism continues to fail me. When it takes things I deal with daily and calls them women’s issues, when it erases my identity, erases my body, when it implies that my masculinity somehow exempts me from misogyny. I do not pass as a man, I get looked up and down, scrutinised daily, I have had security laugh at me before groping my chest and crotch, I’ve had a cop brandish me by the arm and ask a fellow police officer “What is this”, I exist at an intersection of gendered oppression – I am at once a woman and a trans person in how I am received, I am rejected and objectified in one glance, and yet I have literally been told that I am trying to exempt myself from the sexism that women suffer – like being a whole non-binary trans person is me checking out of being a woman, because it was just too hard. I fucking wish I was a woman, I really do. I mean, I love myself, I love who I have been able to be, and I know that my considerable privilege has helped me to be able to be myself and to love that person, but yeah, I’d take the added privilege of being a cis woman, on top of my whiteness, middle-classness, able-bodiedness, that’d be great. Mainstream feminism hurts me by continuing to make me feel like maybe my identity, my sense of self, is just an extension of an imposed patriarchal mindset, that maybe I’m not strong enough to just be a powerful woman who relishes in her femininity. I know this is wrong, and I know that patriarchy plays a major role in making me believe this, but mainstream feminism has certainly helped it along. In a lot of ways mainstream/white/cis feminism and patriarchy have been good companions over the years. The essentialism that still persists in today’s mainstream/white/cis feminism aids partriarchy and binarism beautifully. And it really fucking hurts me and it has literally killed other trans people. The question I’m struggling with is do we continue to strive for a better feminism, or do we need to look at the possibility that the ideology is too old, too harmful to do good, and find something better? The word itself is exclusionary in its erasure of non-binary and trans masc people who also deserve to be fought for. I guess I’m just tired of having to remind even feminists who openly claim to be intersectional to remember that trans people exist, that a movement that only fights for cis women is failing really marginalised people. There are so many really important critiques of feminism and how it has historically and continually erased womxn of colour and their struggles, how it overlooks the realities of people with disabilities, of fat womxn, and so many other marginalised groups. Many many trans folx have raised the issue that cis feminism is killing us. A feminism that doesn’t recognise trans womxn as womxn can rot in hell, and a feminism that ignores that non-binary people exist can follow right behind it. But I guess I’m just at a place where I’m wondering why we cling so fast to feminism at all? Is it just because it’s there? What about intersectionalism? Or something?!

Because mainstream/white/cis feminism fails other people way worse than it fails me. It is partly to blame for attacks on trans people (particularly trans people of colour, and especially trans women/femmes of colour) and it is partly to blame for so many different forms of systemic dehumanisation that persist on a daily basis. Trans and GNC people have been showing up for cis women from day one, have put our bodies on the line to advance feminist causes, and yet we’re erased and sidelined again and again, given new ways to hate ourselves by an ideology that was designed to empower, but only if you fit the right mould – cis, white, thin, able-bodied, neurotypical, straight – viva the fucking revolution, let power pass from the hands of the white man into the hands of the white woman, because there’s no blood on there, right?

[recition]

APRIL 4, 2017 BY THECAFFEINATEDAUTISTIC Most of the folks who read my blog do so because they googled the phrase “Why is Autism Speaks bad” or some variant.  They know me to be an outspoken person and not afraid to explain why Autism Speaks will never be among the organizations I support.  This is, of course, not in any way on a whim or by some ridiculous grudge. There are a host of reasons why Autism Speaks doesn’t speak for me or for other autistic people. But I must admit that my original post on them isn’t 100% accurate anymore.  There have been two notable changes to their organization within the past year and a half  – 1. They have removed the word “cure” from their mission statement and 2. They have added two autistic board members to their organization. So, of course I’m sure this makes people question the veracity of the claims that I and others have made in the past.  Surely if they’ve added autistic adults to their board and they’ve eliminated “cure” under their mission statement, they must be doing better, right? Well, I suppose in theory that could be true.  But so far, I’ve seen very little to prove that is correct. The MSSNG project is still their initiative, a collaborative genome sequencing project between Autism Speaks and Google.  As of March 6, 2017, they are still funding research into finding a genetic cause for autism. There is a huge problem with not only the research being done (seizures are still not autism, no matter how hard you try to make them so), but the ethics of making 10,000 autistic people’s genomes available to researchers without much thought to the consent of the autistic people in question. Autism Speaks plagiarized the writing of an autistic advocate, and has yet to apologize or make it right. When Autism Speaks celebrated their tenth anniversary, they took to Twitter with the #AutismSpeaks10 tag. Autistic advocates soon told the world what we thought using the same tag. Autism Speaks changed the tag to #AutismChampions because clearly, autistic people having opinions about what kind of organization they run is clearly too much for them.  (It’s okay, we took over the second tag too). Autism Speaks took down their ratings option on Facebook when too many autistic people rated them poorly. Autism Speaks has utterly failed to ever seriously address the murders of autistic people by their caretakers.  Their response to the attempted murder of Issy Stapleton by her mother, Kelli Stapleton, was to give a list of resources for people “in crisis”.  One can only infer that they meant “parents who want to murder their autistic children”. Autism Speaks lobbied (successfully) for then-President Obama to allocate federal funding for autism to the tune of $1.3 billion over five years (beginning in 2014) via the Autism CARES Act (previously known as the Combating Autism Act).   Most of that funding would be/has been used for funding grants to monitor autism prevalence rates, train medical professionals to detect autism and develop treatments in conditions related to autism (this is probably seizures-related again). Link. The modification of Autism Speaks’ mission statement replaced the word “cure” with the word “solutions”.  It now reads: "Autism Speaks is dedicated to promoting solutions, across the spectrum and throughout the lifespan, for the needs of individuals with autism and their families through advocacy and support; increasing understanding and acceptance of autism spectrum disorder; and advancing research into causes and better interventions for autism spectrum disorder and related conditions." Others have commented on the eugenics background of the word “solutions” used in this manner here. Autism Speaks’ budget still only allocates 3-4% for “services”.  The bulk of their budget goes to marketing, salaries, and research. In fact, if you use their Grants search tool, and select “Family services” and select “Adults”, you will see that they funded no grants that fall under these parameters. Autism Speaks lobbies for legislation for insurance companies to cover Applied Behavior Analysis, or ABA, a form of behavioral training created by Ivar Lovaas, who was also part of the “Feminine Boys Study,” which was the precursor to what we know of as “Gay conversion therapy”.  These two therapies have many similarities, not the least being their founder being the same person. One person’s account of ABA from the point of view of a former ABA therapist is here. This has been just a small sampling of the issues still surrounding Autism Speaks.  There are many more, and I’ve addressed these in previous posts here and here. I’m sure there’s more than a few of you who are wondering now what Autism Speaks would need to do in order for it to be enough for autistic people.  Well, I can only speak for myself, of course, but there’s a few things I can think of. Stop funding research into a cure and/or “treatments” Stop funding research into the “causes” of autism.  We exist.  No need to try to prevent that. Cut all ties with the Judge Rotenberg Center. Fund resources for autistic people, especially adults who lose support when we graduate high school/age out of many programs. Fund and back initiatives that help us with employment, as a huge portion of autistic adults are unemployed and underemployed. Acknowledge that therapies meant to make us look “indistinguishable from peers” have consequences. ABA seeks to make us compliant, and that often leads to not believing it’s okay to say no, which can contribute to the astronomical percentage of sexual abuse among disabled people (particularly women). Apologize and make amends for horrific ad campaigns like “I Am Autism” and “Autism Everyday”.  No, deleting them from the Autism Speaks YouTube channel is not sufficient. Place autistic people at the core of your organization, not just as token members of your board.  Autistic people have different abilities and needs and gifts.  Any job that a non-autistic person is doing within Autism Speaks can be done by an autistic person somewhere.  There are many autistic-run organizations that show it can be done. Listen to autistic people. LISTEN TO AUTISTIC PEOPLE. No, seriously, one more time – your motto is “It’s time to listen”? Do it. Prove you’re not all talk.  Listen to what autistic people are saying. Accept us for who we are.  Don’t try to change our natural state of being.  We are autistic.  We are not broken neurotypical people.  Find out what our challenges are, and help us rise to meet said challenges with the tools we already have. Work on changing society.  You as the largest Autism organization in the United States, and certainly the most recognizable one, have such an amazing opportunity to use the voice you have, in society, in legislation, in advocacy, in science, in education to amplify our voices.  Work on making it acceptable to be autistic.  Stop painting us as burdens on our families. Acknowledge that abusing and murdering your autistic loved one is not acceptable in any case.  Join with the disabled activists around the world and mourn us on the Disability Day of Mourning. It’s a big list, but all in all, I don’t think it’s too much to ask.  If autistic and other disabled people can do it, you well-paid executives at Autism Speaks should be able to manage it all just fine.