#raw suffering

[skinnypaleangryperson]

All I wanted in life was to be a mother, a loving wife, to raise a beautiful family because that is what feels like the most profound spiritual human gift of God to me, so much to the point that I can't even stand it even just with a stimulation of consuming or thinking about it for a few moments. I wanted to live in the city for a little bit of day-to-day diversity and to have a feeling creative career or at the very least have some sort of modest side product of a career, I wouldn't have been to picky in that aspect.

I reached my conclusion years ago and of the gradual devastation of realizing that none of those things would ever be even remotely possible to me or for me, and on top of that, did not even have a support group for profound grief, or even just general community and general for anything other than soulless people on apps all day that argue about things that don't matter and have no compassion for those that are spiritual and had actual human goals and dreams and to live meaningful lives outside of being a slave, aimless hobbies or temporary passions, and arguing about things like selfish appearance, or political opinions or things that true late, down to the absolute core nub if you're anybody who thinks or has any soul or self-awareness at all, does not matter. On the contrary, The people who stand for all these things is all that I have, who don't care about anyone or even themselves, much less incredibly spiritual gifted people like me who just wanted to live a human fulfilling dignified regular life with spiritual and creativity fulfillment.

These past couple of days, months, have been even enough because of the very two people of my parents who I am forced to stay alive for after they saved me for my suicide attempt from these very conclusions a couple of years ago, and living with them and living for them is just fulfilling enough that even though it does not save me from the profound mental and spiritual suffering I am enduring every minute of every day with very little relief, it is just enough to put me into this strange stagnance despite the suffering, like sitting in the middle of a fire, while waiting for the two people that occasionally pour a tranquil of water on me to keep it just enough so that I sometimes forget I'm sitting in the fire, which I've become numb to as much as anybody can become numb to that kind of pain and is forced to live with it for the sake of the two people pouring on the trinkle of water now and then.

There is never been any such thing as friendship for me, there will never be a community again, the few people that I even just saw casually around me in college I will never even have again even just remind me that I'm not the only person existing on this earth. There is no happy ending, there is not even anything that resembles anything even remotely tolerable, there was only a slow decline of death, watching my parents die and then immediately ending my own life as soon as I can, but having to deal with the profound physical and emotional suffering that comes with having to end my own life and having to wait for so long and day-to-day existence and of being crushed everyday with seeing the superficiality and the literal subhumanity around me that is my generation no matter where you look, that is turn the profound grief that I have of a lifelong suffering of never having a family and of having nothing that I can do about it into nothing but soulless malicious gas lighting, of telling me that I can do something about my problems, to not feel sorry for something that is of a prone suffering I can't even around I had around that I cannot fix, of telling me that I need to get over it, as if I could ever get over something, and all the while not even having the luxury of being able to end my own life that is told time and time again that does not matter and isn't even allowed to grieve, or be seen, or to even discuss things say for posting over towards places where I essentially am just talking to myself on a digital screen instead of to the literal void in reality where I can no longer perceive or understand reality or that I exist, where dysfunctionality and suffering increases daily.

The suffering can be beautiful sometimes, but only in the sense that it reminds me that at the very least I will die for a genuine true human reason unlike the majority of people that I am forced to see everyday just to fight off psychosis and to give me stimulation of human interaction even though no one is really human anymore or even understands what that means, and you can see it in the posting that is on every app everywhere daily, how a soulless, rude, loud and how aimless people are. It's reached incomprehensible points where there's not much point in even trying to keep up with that at this point.

I just want to go, I just want to not stuff for anymore. I've had everything taken away from me, even the ability of being able to talk with people who respect my profound grief and my perspective and as to the conclusions that I've reached, and I have nothing but full grown man and woman children that have reduced it to a joke of telling me "just to get a plant". I am one of the only few human beings left on this earth, and as a result I have been left alone with my grief, and as if the loss that I've experienced wasn't enough of the dignified life that I wanted to live, I don't even have a community or people who are at the very least offer the baseline sense of decency or sympathy, or even humanity, towards that grief, and it is suffocating inside my head like a wretching grief only getting more confusing as I get older.

Please, fate, let me go. Everyday I will my body to give out.

[the-ephemeral-ethereal]

Suffering, as the aftermath of an unwelcome moral shock, aspires to change form: we hope to dispel it by making plans, by seeking information; we want it to pass through its countless metamorphoses, for this requires less courage than keeping the suffering raw; we lie with our suffering as in a bed too narrow, too hard, and too cold. So I stood up again.

from In Search of Lost Time, Book 6: The Fugitive by Marcel Proust

[sunderwight]

Further speculation on Shen Yuan transmigrating in some kind of Beast:

Werewolf Shen Qingqiu.

And like, major emphasis on the wolf, in his case. Not wolfman. Every full moon Shen Qingqiu has to make arrangements for himself to turn into a gigantic silvery-white wolf that retains extremely little of his consciousness, and mostly just seems to want to do Wolf Things, though according to PIDW and all information he has on the matter, he ought to be turning into a violent and bloodthirsty predator.

However, it turns out that the wolf form does retain some awareness from the mind/soul of the human, meaning that the reason SJ's wolf was so incredibly unsafe to be around was because it was constantly trying to process SJ's trauma in wild animal terms. So, it was hostile towards the vast majority of humans and in a heightened state of anxiety, always anticipating violence (and reacting accordingly) whenever something unexpected happened. Matters were not helped by SJ's decision to try and lock himself up for every transformation, which of course freaked his wolf out even more (trapped) and resulted in self-harm as it desperately tried to escape. It was just that SJ interpreted the self-harm as a sign that the wolf was so extremely violent that it would cannibalize itself rather than go a single night without the taste of blood.

SY, who is a lot less traumatized, conversely has a much more calm and curious wolf. Like he's extremely cautious and nervous about the whole thing, because he's expecting it to be violent based on his information, and since he doesn't retain much awareness of his transformations he has little idea of what his wolf-self does. But he also isn't great at locking himself up like the original goods did, and he never really seems to wake up covered in blood or anything? Once or twice he thinks he might have hunted a rabbit, but they definitely were rabbits and not like his subconscious somehow going after children in the middle of a wilderness somewhere, because when he came to the wolf had brought the leftover bunny bits along back to the ruined temple he was supposed to be shutting himself up into.

The new Shen Qingqiu consequently gets a bit complacent about the whole thing. He can only blame himself. Maybe he should have anticipated Luo Binghe, with his boundless curiosity and interest in his shizun, would notice the oddities in his schedule and follow him out one night. Everyone's supposed to believe that he's just going to brothels and engaging in purely mundane debauchery, though, so why would Binghe doubt his story?

But he did, and so of course Luo Binghe ends up witnessing his shizun's terrible transformation into a wretched and hated beast. Stunned, the young disciple stands transfixed (no doubt in horror) in the moonlight. The wolf sees him, and though Shen Qingqiu doesn't retain much memory, he recollects the running, the leaping, the... uh... licking...?

Well. Turns out that even Shen Qingqiu's subconscious wolf mind recognizes Luo Binghe as pack, and thank goodness too, because at least he didn't attack him!

Although after that it becomes an extreme challenge to explain to Luo Binghe why he can't accompany Shen Qingqiu for his transformations every month. It's not safe, the wolf is unpredictable and Shen Qingqiu can't promise that he won't startle or suddenly change his tune and lash out, and even though Binghe's cultivation is progressing in leaps and bounds, the wolf also isn't limited to normal mortal strength. It would be able to track his scent and follow him relentlessly, chasing him down to catch and pin him beneath its massive paws, and... Binghe why is your face so red? Are you feeling alright? If it's too frightening, then let's not describe it any further, but the point is that it's dangerous.

Shen Qingqiu has to put his foot down. In the end, he has his suspicions that Binghe is still circumventing him, as he could swear he sometimes remembers running around the wilderness with company. (Binghe is absolutely sneaking out to go spend time with Wolf Shizun.) But there's nothing concrete enough to be certain. Meanwhile, Luo Binghe has at least agreed to keep it secret (for now -- probably not once the time comes for Shen Qingqiu to be put on trial) and fusses over his shizun, helping him keep track of the moon scheduling and always making sure he has a full belly before he goes into wilderness seclusion (Shen Qingqiu never says, but somehow Luo Binghe guesses anyway that he doesn't like waking up to find that the wolf had a snack during the night...)

Another hazard: lycanthropy in the PIDW setting is a curse. Like admittedly it's kind of a kickass one, but it still has tons of negative associations, most commonly befalling impoverished individuals or travelers who get bitten by wild wolf demons, and survive only to find that a piece of the wolf's spirit has gotten stuck to their own. Cultivators with lycanthropy are often associated with demons and disrepute, like Wu Yanzi, and there are countless tales of them turning on their own people or being revealed as violent, depraved criminals. It's only slightly more acceptable than being a demon outright.

In other words it's not a desirable circumstance.

And yet, for some reason, Luo Binghe is reprehensibly lapse in his protections against lycanthropy. Shen Qingqiu has told him all of the precautions he knows against it, and yet it's almost like Binghe keeps doing the exact opposite things! Listen, wolves are cool. Shen Qingqiu knows that. He's actually kind of fine with turning into one, since it seems to be less of a ravenous beast situation than he'd feared. But there are still social consequences to this kind of a thing! Luckily, it doesn't actually matter much because even with his uncharacteristic youthful irresponsibility, Binghe's heavenly demon blood protects him from ever being cursed. The only way he'd get lycanthropy would be if he deliberately let a werewolf bite him and then just refused to excise the curse, and even then, he could purge the tainted wolf spirit from him just by force of will whenever he wanted.

Seriously, though! It's only when Shen Qingqiu points out that Luo Binghe is going to make people suspicious with all his negligence towards basic precautions that Binghe finally smartens up about it.

(Luo Binghe, out in the woods during a full moon: Wolf Shizun please bite me? Bite Binghe? Then we can be together every full moon! Look here I'll stick my hand in your mouth... just, just chomp down... no don't lick... *sigh*...)

Anyway, the plot still goes mostly the same, except that when Shen Qingqiu put into the water prison it's the full moon. He expects this is part of Luo Binghe's plan against him -- Binghe probably couldn't reveal the lycanthropy without also admitting he'd known before and helped hide it, but this way, Shen Qingqiu can just get caught as a wolf by the palace guards. But Luo Binghe's just been so frazzled and distressed by everything that he genuinely forgot what phase the moon was on. Shen Qingqiu's expecting a lot of things when he wakes up after transforming in the Water Prison, but being back out of the Water Prison and snuggled up to the protagonist's chest wasn't on the list.

Turns out that after his confrontation with Luo Binghe and the Little Palace Mistress, Gongyi Xiao went to check on him and found him transformed. After Gongyi Xiao alerted the rest of the palace, the Palace Master determined that Shen Qingqiu being a werewolf was as good as a confirmation of guilt, and had the wolf dragged out to be killed. Luo Binghe intervened, Shen Qingqiu took off, and between one thing and another the whole night was spent with Huan Hua and Cang Qiong cultivators trying to catch him (for different reasons).

Of course it was Luo Binghe who eventually cornered the terrified wolf, at which point the wolf actually, finally did bite him. But when Binghe failed to react, it whimpered and went back to its usual behavior, and let Binghe lead it out of the city and off to its usual territory near Cang Qiong. The wolf then proceeded to act like an overjoyed puppy whose owner had finally come back from war, until Binghe broke down and sobbed himself to sleep. It must have curled up onto his chest afterwards.

Shen Qingqiu is deeply embarrassed, but... somehow Luo Binghe doesn't seem to be taking revenge on him?

He's going to need to treat that bite wound soon, though.

Binghe.

Binghe, you are going to treat that--

[melooooo17]

@openphrase123 your fanfic(s but i mainly made art of the mira and siffrin one because i cant remember words for the life of me for i do not speak french) IS???? ? SO GOOD. SO GOOD IM FOAMING AT THE MOUTH finally something to look forward to in the week fr

Mild spoilers for it ig!! But nothing too explicitly groundbreaking i dont think it'll kill your mom to look at these without having read the ff first

Don't mind the shit quality i??? I drew all these so fast theyre kinda shit and i have yet to fully acclamate isat to my artstyle so it's mid

Teehee me when i make shitty rushed fanart to show my appreciation that i cannot put into words for my faovorite games and also authors

peep the rant in the tags

[zhongli-lover-69]

[demonsword586]

I need holy water,a bible and Gabriel to scild me cuz what in the Hell is Beel's attacker story! Like...I have no words fitting for this so have screenshots instead

Beel being a dirty little thief...

Beel praising us (suprisingly he says Good girl a lot in this story)

And uh...whatever this is. Beel you creepy little unicorn

[tojisun]

poly!141 but it’s them struggling to come home to you, their wife, because how else can they explain why johnny’s not with them this time or forever after?

[paintpaintpaintman]

Folks we got another one we got a second OC He's a tiger named Yaarjul teehee

Have some silly lore for Goat's cult below the cut!

His name is Yaarjul, and he is from the Goat's cult. The Goat's cult is anything from refined or civil - a grassland grown wild with few buildings, all mostly dilapidated and abandoned. Their few followers make themselves scarcely seen, hiding behind the tall grasses of their home. These people come and go, rarely ever making it to elder age, save for one: Yaarjul.

The Goat does not like to abuse (or even use) divine magic. They believe the whole god-system should be dismantled and all should be equal. Therefore, they keep their Crown to ensure the cycle can never start anew, even if their cultists idolize them anyway (sometimes out of awe for being the last of their kind. Sometimes out of guilt for having been rescued). As such, they never appoint Disciples nor give magical items to their "followers." Yaarjul has been the only exception.

To the Goat, Yaarjul is a peer; having never truly pined after them nor treated them like a god or leader. He is a man of very few words or even noises, but he doesn't really need them. It seems they understand they would not be one without the other. He may not be a true Disciple, but often he is seen as an apostle to outsiders who don't quite understand their relationship.

Yaarjul, like the other's in the Goat's cult, is naturally skiddish and cautious, ready to run rather than fight. Though, behind the mask of survival is someone curious and studious, always seeking new knowledge.

The Goat had professed: "If I would have been able to fall in love, I would have chosen to love you." Alas, a story never meant to be. "Life partner" isn't always a traditional sense of romance. Sometimes, it really is simply a life partner.

[bleekay]

pray your pet never gets skunked. pray to whatever gods you believe in and maybe to some you don’t. never in my life have i preferred suffocation over breathing air.

[nateezfics]

@hongthoven and i will be in recovery for the next 3 - 5 business days, maybe even eternity. this was a critical hit to our sanity (or what was left of it). thoughts and prayers appreciated 🙏🏻

[cosmoseinfeld]

[sharliexth]

I really appreciate that peacewalker went out of its way to give big boss the most prominent eyelashes ever

[roychewtoy]

can we get him out?

[demento-mori]

[clericofinfamy]

damian priest - raw, 18 march 2024.

posting this and going to sleep. thank you monday night judgement day for priest crumbs, amen. 🙏🖤💜

[dynamitekansai]

WWE RAW (JULY 22, 2024)