#randy dowager quarterly

[heylavellan]

its actually fucked up that no one is talking about cheese wheel shield and golden crow mask. like everyone saw the crow head and called it a day. but i'd like to invite barry thorne to model the cosmetics we should be talking about.

BUT LOOK AT THE CHEESE SHIELD. is this gamlen's cheese? is the knife removable? how did they add the straps to the cheese? has someone been hit in the missing wedge?? the description implies that varric told rook stories of fighting with cheese wheels. hello???

next is the fucking golden crow hat. i just... i spent five minutes laughing at this when i first found this. who is it for? obviously for the crows, but... how do you see out of it? why is the leather mask underneath clipping through? who decided the gold on the front wasn't enough and stuck a golden bird on the back (in case you missed the golden crow on the front). i'm obsessed with how the beak lines up with the brim of the back part of the helmet.

anyway, thank you for your time

[heylavellan]

im really taken by crows stealing promising fledglings/recruits from each other.

if you want to inflict a lot of emotional damage on viago, imagine your rook has been poached from house dellamorte. viago trains them up, shapes them into someone he wants to be his successor. things are good in house de riva.

then lucanis tries flirting with viago with the knife. viago takes this as a threat that the dellamortes are out to get him. not only that, they want rook back. lucanis does not take them back, but also things are awkward between them.

then rook fucks things up with the antaam. the talons are angry, viago is angry. he's trying to smooth things over with the other houses and then rook takes a contract to retrieve lucanis. okay, fine. but the payment isn't specified. if caterina uses this to reclaim rook...

it doesn't matter because caterina is "murdered" and now the remaining dellamortes are illario and lucanis. but lucanis is now supporting rook in their mission. which is fine. he made that knife threat years ago and never followed through. but maybe its finally time to execute his scheme.

when lucanis and rook start flirting in front of viago, he has a mental breakdown. his perfect crow, choosing someone from house dellamorte. if rook falls in love, he could lose them. teia tries to suggest they may actually like each other, but viago refuses to believe it. obviously lucanis is trying to seduce rook into house dellamorte and he won't stand for it!

anyway, just thinking about this a bit.

murderers are hobbyists

[winter-wise]

The Salty Mermaid:

The Randy Dowager:

[kissingagrumpygiant]

Solas notes on the randy dowager quarterly Inquisition Exposed (illustrated) but its just hundreds of "she wouldn't fucking say that" in the margins

[sammakesart]

A blood-splattered annual edition of the suspect quarterly: The Randy Dowager welcomes the new year with the complete romantic—and ribald—epic, Ladykiller in Love, being a tale of betrayal, betrothal, and bloodshed. And those were just the first twenty pages.

The Randy Dowager: Exhibitions for the noble of thought, but spry of step. The Lady herself says: “Quite puts the Orlesian expression “le petite mort” into a new perspective. Five scarves fluttered in shock out of five.” - RD

The back cover reads thus:

Illario is the disgrace of House Dellamorte. After failing in his plot to become First Talon, he never expected to be forgiven by his cousin and new First Talon, Lucanis. Still, Illario knows there will be a price to pay for his betrayal. The last form of penance he ever expected was an arranged marriage to the Second Talon’s only sister, Sancia Balazar, his childhood friend and first love. And a woman he thought he’d never seen again.

Sancia is clever, beautiful, and exceptionally skilled with a variety of deadly weapons—the perfect bride for assassin royalty. By rights, she should be wed to Lucanis, yet it is Illario who she demands. Illario may be incapable of such finer feelings as love now, but he can hardly object to a marriage with Sancia. He might even enjoy it. It is too good to be true, of course. As soon as the contract is signed, Sancia wants nothing to do with him. In fact, she seems to have completely forgotten their youthful infatuation for one another and actively despises him now. Each day—and especially each night—becomes its own special form of torture. This may be the perfect punishment, after all.

[heylavellan]

im just imagining like. lucanis and rook in bed and waking up to see manfred staring at them.

spite wants hands and feet

[pierkyn]

Lucanis Dellamorte loves romance books!

I didn't manage to screenshot the whole banter, but it started with Harding asking him about his favorite book genre.

Now - where's the option to discuss The Randy Dowager quarterly with him?

(...I guess he still has to catch up on the newest issuess. Y'know, because of his time in the Ossuary and all.)

also hey bioware let my rook join the veilguard's book club my rook totally can be trusted with joining the book club he will be very sane and reasonable about it

[deeproadsdarling]

[Varric: Hey, Rook. There's a complete collection of Randy Dowager Quarterlies here. I see Chuckles in a new light now.]

Solas keeps dirty magazines stashed under the bed confirmed.

[tinkerbitch69]

Bellara’s face when I find The Randy Dowager Quarterly Vol. 4

She knows… O_O

[teamdilf]

The first chapter of my three-chapter fic looking at the weeks Dorian and Solas were fighting together in Minrathous is now up! A preview:

On account of the whole “Solas probably won’t kill him” thing, he’s taken the task of fighting alongside Solas much of the time; a truly lovely experience that harkens back to the good old days when the worst they fought was a blighted magister. Funny how gods make you nostalgic for blown up temples. Today, they’ve rescued civilians from a swarm of darkspawn, contended with the blighted tentacles, which do seem to show a particular fondness for Solas, and not in the Randy Dowager Quarterly sort of way, and now they’re in the process of clearing a path in a collapsed alleyway using gaatlok swiped from a group of Antaam Tarquin and Ashur downed yesterday.

[arlathen]

as we're all finding new copies of randy dowager quarterly in veilguard i do feel the need to remind you that The Randy Dowager is in fact brother ferdinand genitivi.

[heylavellan]

So, there's a line of banter between Lucanis and Emmrich where he mentions there are 'a few dozen. Only 5 I'd recommend.' so then I got interested in seeing which named Crow houses I could track down.

First, starting with named ones in the game:

House Dellamorte

House Cantori

House de Riva

House Gegar Mercantile

House de Acutis

House Velardo*

House Egrativi**

*Mentioned as the house that killed Lucanis' parents. Likely no longer exists.

**Created during the game based on Jacobus' training.

Then, looking at Tevinter Nights to find other houses.

House Nero

House Balazar

House Valisti

House Kortez*

House Arainai

House Gaspari*

*Dead, killed by the Dellamortes.

It's worth noting that after the events of Eight Little Talons, House Kortez is set to be eliminated for killing four of the Talons.

Lastly, there are a few people listed on the DA Wiki, but I'm not confident in the sourcing on some of them. Allegedly Nuncio's last name is Lanos, implying the existence of a House Lanos. There are also a few codices in Inquisition with writing attributed to an alleged Crow, Vierre Lazar. Lazar might be a house or this could be a fake name.

So, of these Houses listed when Lucanis says this line, there are 10, maybe 12 if you count Lazar and Lanos. Of the five he respects, I'd guess:

Dellamorte

de Acutis (took part in the mission detailed in the short story As We Fly and they actively work with Viago)

de Riva

Cantori

The fifth one stumped me, so on the sole basis that you can get their banner by completing A Slow Poison, I'd propose House Gegar Mercantile.

EDIT:

More notes.

House Arainai is referenced in VG. Missed that dialogue.

Chance Candide as a character in VG suggests that there is a House Candide.

House Borgiani is mentioned in the Vows and Vengeance podcast, ep 7.

Instead of House Gegar, House Borgiani might be the fifth reliable house.

[lagunapoint]

Cassandra swung the sword and inflicted a few sharp blows on the mannequin. Series of precise and hurried strikes were replaced by seconds of concentration, spent on controlling breathing and thoughts. She took several smooth steps to the side, directing the tip of the sword at the mannequin’s chest. Inhale. Exhale. A swing, and a few straws burst out of the mannequin, scattering under the onslaught of her sword. A couple of passersby recoiled in fright and, casting a surprised glance at Cassandra, hurried toward the tavern, looking back and whispering among themselves.

"Damn!" Cassandra cried out and lowered the sword, tightly gripping the hilt. She closed her eyes and tried to subdue the anger rising again, which her training had only been able to extinguish for a short while.

"Hey, Seeker, not a bad strike," came the brisk voice of Bull, who was watching her training nearby.

"Not bad," Cassandra repeated and looked at Bull, "but not perfect."

"You demand too much of yourself, and that’s not always good," Bull leaned his shoulder against the tavern wall and followed the redheaded church attendant with an interested glance. Cassandra noted the remark to herself but decided not to continue the conversation. At least out loud. She did not think she demanded a lot from herself. She demanded from herself only what was necessary. Necessity in her worldview was not determined by the concepts of much or little. It was necessary to train. It was necessary to deliver precise strikes. The blade must not slip. The steps must be exact and thought out, and even a slight unconsidered shift of weight or improper foot position would lead to a sprain or an ankle twist. She knew firsthand how lousy that was, and the thought of it caused an unwelcome memory of her first sprain and the subsequent lectures from her brother about carelessness that could kill her.

Besides that, she understood the need to find the sender of the new "gift" the Inquisitor had received this morning. The news that the Inquisitor had almost been lethally poisoned by a flower whose bud and petals were studded with poisonous spines invisible to the human eye spread around Skyhold faster than the new issue of The Randy Dowager Quarterlie. And Cassandra was enraged by the fact that she did not understand why Leliana and the Inquisitor were ignoring the danger of the moment, preferring slowness to action. And at that very moment, Solas and Dorian couldn’t resist the opportunity to flaunt their wit instead of delving into the magical nature of the problem. Their collaboration was too slow, reluctant, and usually accompanied by mutual reproaches. It was precisely Solas’s harmful, quiet snort under Dorian’s haughty gaze that became the last straw for Cassandra at the general meeting regarding the poisonous flower.

Yet no matter how angry Cassandra was at everyone around her, the main object of her anger was herself. This incident showed how surprisingly easy it turned out to be to get close to the Herald of Andraste, and her protection meant absolutely nothing.

A warm breeze touched her face, offering her comfort. She breathed, trying to calm the storm in her chest. Servants and refugees, messengers and revelers passed by her again, and every so often she noticed quick glances in her direction. She tried to ignore everything happening around her, but suddenly a conversation reached her ears, and she couldn’t help but listen.

"…they say there was an Orlesian crest on the pot…" "Yeah?.. And I heard that this plant is from Tevinter and is grown by mages on the blood of slaves who offered themselves in sacrifice without resistance." "How awful!" "Yes, Merelin. They say that if a slave resists, his blood is not suitable for certain rituals, but if he dies voluntarily, then it contributes…"

Cassandra could not stand it and snorted indignantly. What the hell do they allow themselves? Unthinkable. She sighed, trying to ignore the gossips’ chatter and return to her tension-relieving training. But their voices did not die down, and she lifted her gaze to the heavens, praying to Andraste that they would either fall silent or change the subject.

"And is it true that the Inquisitor was actually poisoned, and-" "No, that can’t be. The Inquisitor has court mages who should have lifted any poisoning right away-" "But one of them is precisely from Tevin-" "Enough!" Cassandra could not bear it. "The Inquisitor is fine. Stop speculating. And yes, you are undoubtedly right that our mages can handle any such troubles... Therefore..."Cassandra cut herself off. "Damn it!"

She abruptly turned to the mannequin and delivered a dull, chopping blow, hearing how behind her the quick footsteps of the gossipers were retreating. She thought she was forever stuck in her rage, until suddenly, as if from nowhere, a familiar voice sounded next to her.

❤️

[crossdressingdeath]

Well-Loved Book A battered copy of the illustrated novel Inquisition Exposed. Rated five scarves fluttered in shock out of five, by the notorious Randy Dowager Quarterly.

Who's been writing smutty RPF about the Inquisition? Also, can I read it?

[hoboblaidd]

Does your muse read smut romance ? (I need to know if he reads the Randy Dowager Quarterly ironically)

ask memes | romance headcanon meme

Oh he absolutely does. I imagine Elvhenan had some incredible epic romance novels and poems, and modern Thedas has some wonderful tragic romance books. He's got the heart of an artist - he loves a good romance. Unironically, he thought Varric's romances were good light reading. He greatly enjoys the Randy Dowager Quarterly and thinks it's hilarious. He less enjoyed Inquisition Exposed, because the inaccuracies annoyed him (I can't find that art someone did of him annotating it, but he did), but he also found it hilarious. Even smut he reads but in the same way a dad laughs on a roller coaster - he finds it funny.

[ronqueesha]

Rather than wait for more asks, I thought I'd fill in some more of those NSFW questions that interested me. Again, they're all about Nerio.

They get a little spicy, so I put it all under a cut. Only read if you want to learn WAY too much about my elf.

Are they more of a dom, sub, or switch? If applicable, are they a top, bottom, or vers?

They have fun as both a domme and a sub, depending on the mood, the partner, and the activities they mutually agree to play with. So Nerio is comfortably a switch. Though this doesn't come up very often for them.

Nerio sometimes struggles to admit how much of a bottom they are. While they can and have switched roles with different partners, the truth is that they invariably find a majority of their pleasure through receiving anal sex. Lucanis is especially just the right size to hit the perfect spot inside Nerio that can make them cum without any other stimulation. One of Neve's main kinks is watching her man and her elf fuck, and she especially loves seeing when Lucanis makes Nerio cum this way.

Do they have any really out-of-left-field kinks/fantasies? Maybe even something that they wouldn’t necessarily want to act on but have still thought about?

I mentioned before that Nerio is into light roleplay. But they would be willing to go further, if Neve was into it. Given the age difference between them (Nerio is 26, Neve is 41), Nerio sometimes fantasizes about playing some mommy kink incest roleplay with her. (something they learned from a particularly good edition of the Randy Dowager Quarterly)

It's not something they would spring on her unprepared, and may even be a fantasy they never speak about and take to their grave. But it is something that swims in their brain every so often.

Are they attracted to anyone (specific person or just negative qualities) they really shouldn’t be?

Isabela. Granted, a LOT of people in Thedas are attracted to Isabela. But she's their boss, a LOT older than them, and she is directly responsible for saving them from a life of sexual slavery at the hands of a Tevinter merchant prince. There are a lot of complex issues to unravel before Nerio can realize how inappropriate this attraction is. Fortunately, Isabela is pretty strict with who she sleeps with these days, and Nerio is never going to be invited to her bed.

Describe their least favorite/most embarassing sexual encounter.

Both embarrassing and traumatizing was when Nerio was caught with a human boy from the village they grew up in. Just before they came of age.

They had just started disrobing and exploring each other when an elven elder stumbled upon them while patrolling the streets at night. Nerio was promptly manhandled away from their partner and forced to march half-naked through the streets back home, where their deeds were reported in great detail by the elder. Their parents tried to ignore it, given how close Nerio was to their arranged marriage, but the damage was done. And this incident only increased the tension between them and their parents that would lead to Nerio's explosive exit from the family.