#rambling but this future world makes me feel so hopeless and I’m really starting to think the bad or at least apathetic outweigh the good

[lessdeath]

At the risk of sounding stupid, I wish so much that there was some end in sight to all of this mass suffering and pain. Society and technology is so advanced yet so regressed, and I feel like this modern lifestyle we all live of self serving and convenience and feudal thinking is only going to push us further into cynicism and apathy and it’s just this never ending pit that we’ll never get out of.

[redpandas5ever]

🥀

[ppangjae]

THE STORY UNTOLD | Jaehyun

SEVEN LETTERS | THE STORY UNTOLD

SUMMARY. Jaehyun finds himself catching feelings for you, his best friend. But the problem is that he’s in a relationship with someone else. In hopes of receiving a sign, the last sign he expects to receive is a letter. A letter from his future self. 

GENRE. soulmate!au | childhood friends to lovers!au | fluff | angst

WORD COUNT. 6.6k+ words

author’s note. BEFORE you read this, i strongly suggest you read Seven Letters. this is a sequel to that fic. if you haven’t read Seven Letters, you’re probably going to get really confused when you read this sequel. also, i just wanted to say a huge thank you to everyone who read Seven Letters. the amount of feedback i got is just so overwhelming and i never expected things to turn out like this omg. happy reading!

—Future

This is impossible.

“Why are you looking at me like that?”

“Like what?”

Johnny frowns. “Like that.”

Jaehyun lets out a scoff. Johnny lets out a soft snort, shaking his head at his best friend who’s sitting across from his desk. Johnny adjusts his glasses before clasping his hands on the table. “Do you not believe me or something?”

“This feels stupid. No, this is stupid.” Jaehyun mutters, gesturing at the blank piece of paper on the desk. “You want me to write a letter to my past self? About what?”

“You do know that I charge my patients an extra fifty bucks for every half hour past their scheduled appointment time.” Johnny reminds me. “If I were you, save your fifty bucks and start writing your letter.”

“Stop lying, you don’t do that.” Jaehyun scoffs again. “What is a stupid letter to my past self gonna do? Change my future?”

Johnny points at him. “Bingo.”

“And you expect me to believe you?”

“Why don’t you just try it? Besides, if it doesn’t change your future, at least you did yourself some self-counselling. Closure. Don’t you want closure?” Johnny folds his arms. He has a point. “As your best friend, I care about you. But I’m tired of having you come here for counselling sessions.”

“You’re not helping—”

“Just give a try! God, you make me want to pull my hair off my scalp and I’m already losing hair from all the stress you’ve been giving me since your divorce.”

—Present

“Jaehyun, you have mail!”

His mother is waving an envelope in the air just as he steps out on the front porch. He squints his eyes at the envelope with suspicion. “Who sends letters these days? We live in a world where technology is evolving—”

“Yeah, yeah, whatever. Just take your mail, Jaehyun.” His mother disregards his ramble by placing the envelope into his hands. “Your father wants us to make a trip to the grocery store. Do you want us to get you something?”

“I’m good,” he replies. He’s too busy staring at the familiar handwriting on the envelope. The strong familiarity bothers him. 

As his parents are hopping into the car and pulling out of the parkway, Jaehyun’s heading back inside of the house. He’s gently closing the door shut before making a beeline for the kitchen. He pulls out the kitchen scissors and cuts the envelope open.

“Why is this letter so thick?” He thinks aloud, pulling out a 10-page letter. “If this letter isn’t life changing and if I waste my time reading a thick ass letter, I might just combust—”

He stops mid-sentence when he finally realizes it. It’s his handwriting. He’s confused. Why would he send himself a letter? In fact, why would he send himself a 10-page letter when he can literally just type it all out in an email instead? He tilts his head in confusion. He decides to start reading it. 

To Jaehyun,

Don’t be alarmed. You recognize the handwriting, right? It’s because it is your handwriting. 

I am you from the future. 

You’re probably wondering how and why you’re getting this letter. Trust me, I’m not even sure if you’ll get this letter. But if you do, then damn, what the flipping fuck? 

Read this letter carefully because it will be a lot to take in. 

He lets out a laugh. Is he going crazy? Him from the future? Sending him a handwritten letter? For what? What kind of sick joke is this and who is pulling it? Who is the culprit? Oh right, it’s him from the future. 

I made the biggest mistake and I need you to fix it. 

Do you remember Y/N, your childhood best friend? Y/N is your soulmate. You are destined to be with her. As I write this letter to you, I have lost almost all forms of communication with Y/N. 

I made the biggest mistake of falling in love with someone else. I fell in love with someone who I am not destined to be with. I married this person and have been married to her for three years. We had just filed for a divorce a month ago. 

His eyebrows knit together in confusion. His future self must have fucked up that bad that he resorted into writing a letter to his past self. But why? 

I don’t want you to experience what I went through, past Jaehyun. I don’t want you to lose Y/N. I’m sure you don’t want to lose Y/N either. Y/N is everything you could ever want. 

He’s almost done reading the first page of the letter before carelessly shoving the letter back into its envelope. He’s rushing out the door with his car keys. He’s literally running out the door in nothing but a pair of sweats, a hoodie, and his infamous pink house slippers. There’s only one thing on his mind right now.

Here are three things I need you to remember:

The moment you realize you’re in love with Y/N, you must tell her before it’s too late. 

Y/N will be moving out when you get this letter. Y/N will be moving into another city and won’t tell you. 

Y/N’s going to board the train at 4pm. You must get to her before then if you plan on confessing to her. 

It’s funny how all it takes is one sketchy letter from what claims to be his future self to make him realize the truth; he’s in love with you.

Those feelings you have for Y/N? Yes, they are true and sincere. Y/N has been in love with you for the longest time. It was my biggest mistake of thinking it was a joke and letting her become the one that got away. 

—Future

Jaehyun puts his pen down onto the table and picks up his cup of coffee. He can already imagine his past self cussing him out for making the letter too long. But he made sure that he stated the most important points on the first page of the letter. 

There are many things that he regrets doing. He hopes that his past self will make things right.

“Where are you, Y/N?” He thinks out loud as he looks out the window. 

It’s the first snowfall of the winter season. There are couples scattered down the sidewalks, enjoying and taking advantage of this romantic day. He can’t help but remember the first snowfall that changed the way he saw you. He remembers it like it was just yesterday.

He picks up his pen and continues to write his letter.

If you get to Y/N on time, tell her that you love her. I wish I told her.

I regret not telling her.

You’re probably wondering why the fuck is this letter so long? But trust the process. I’ll tell you all of the things I regret doing in this letter because it’s the only way to give myself closure. 

I caught feelings for Y/N on the night of Christmas Eve. In fact, I was probably already in love with her before that. But on the night of Christmas Eve, that’s when I realized that I was in love with her and that she wasn’t just a best friend.

He sucks in a deep breath and places the pen back down onto the table. He shuts his eyes and remembers that night.

“Y/N!” 

You’re standing right in front of him, snowflakes slowly falling from the sky and landing on the top of your head. He feels warm with his thick scarf wrapped around his neck, but your presence makes him feel much more warmer; like home.

“Jaehyun!” 

You finally spot him when you hear his voice. He feels overjoyed. He feels like he’s floating among the stars that scatter across the sky. This is the first time he’s felt this way in weeks. Heck, probably months.

He stops to look up at the sky. “It’s snowing!”

“The first snowfall of the season.” You add, letting out a soft giggle. “Long time no see, dork.”

He remembers looking at you in awe. Your hair had grown longer and you had matured. The snowflakes that fall from the sky make you stand out more. You’re smiling at him so wide that your eyes form into beautiful crescents. He remembers feeling his heart stop. He remembers wondering why he always felt this way whenever he was with you.

“Do you know what the first snowfall of the season means?”

“First snowfall means first love. It also means that the person you’re with on the first snowfall of the season will be the love of your life.”

“Do you believe in it?” You let out a lighthearted chuckle. “If you do, then that means I’m the love of your life.”

“Why? Are you in love with me or something?” He chuckles as he makes the joke.

He swore he saw your smile falter. He swore he saw you look taken aback. He swore he saw you look serious for a split second before mustering up a fake smile and saying—

“Me? In love with you? No, you’re my best friend!” 

“You’re joking. Stop joking around, Y/N. Are you in love with me?” He asks for reassurance.

You shake your head. He swore he felt his heart shatter. He swore he felt disappointed. He swore he felt heartbroken hearing you tell him that you weren’t in love with him.

Because he’s in love with you.

He’s caught feelings for you.

“I see you as my best friend, Jaehyun. Nothing more and nothing less.”

But who would’ve thought that it would be a lie?

—Present

He hopes he’s not too late. He hopes he’s not too late. He hopes he’s not too late—

If you get to Y/N on time, tell her that you love her. I wish I told her.

I regret not telling her.

Don’t be a hopeless fool like me.

You’ll regret it. Ever since I married someone else, all I’ve ever done was reminisce and regret.

I hope you get to her on time. You must get to her on time. Or else you’ll be a little too late… again.

She’ll be waiting. In fact, all she’s done was wait for the perfect time and moment.

“Y/N!”

He spots you sitting on the waiting bench. You’re holding what seems like a letter. You’re shoving the letter into your pocket. He starts jogging up to you after running across the entire parking lot. He even bought himself a train ticket just to get inside the station to find you. 

And he’s glad he did.

“Jaehyun?”

He’s rushing over to you. He watches you stand up to greet him until he crashes you into a tight embrace. He shifts all of his weight on you as you stand there, completely caught off guard. “Jaehyun, what are you doing here?”

He pulls away from the hug. “Shouldn’t I be asking you that? What are you doing here?”

You look up at him with a confused look. “I—I got hired at a company out of town. I moved out. I’m moving into an apartment in another city—”

The letter from his future self was right. You’re moving out of town for your job. You’re moving out and you didn’t tell him. The letter was right. What kind of magic is this? 

“Why didn’t you tell me?” He frowns.

“I figured it would be best not to tell you because I knew that you would hold me back. And if you held me back, I don’t think I’d ever move out.”

“But you should’ve told me. I came over to take you out for lunch only to find out that you’re moving out of town and into a new city. Do you know how sad I felt?”

“I’m sorry—”

“And then I started wondering why you didn’t tell me about this. I started to wonder if I did something wrong. I couldn’t think straight. I drove all the way here in hopes that I don’t miss you and that I catch you right before you ride.” He finds himself rambling. “If I didn’t catch you on time, I wouldn’t know what to do.”

“Jaehyun—”

Before you go to the train station, I want you to break up with Yeona— “I broke up with Yeona.”

Y/N will probably get mad at you for it. “What?! Why would you do that?!”

He looks at you for a brief moment. You are mad. A laugh of disbelief threatens to escape his lips. 

“Why did you break up with her? She’s in love with you, Jaehyun! You’re supposed to propose to her—”

Tell her that you’re in love with her. Because you are. I was a stupid fool for not believing that my feelings for her were true and real. Don’t be like me. 

“Because I’m in love with you.”

“Huh?”

“I’m in love with you.” He lets out a nervous laugh as he repeats it for you.

When you tell her that you’re in love with her, it’ll be the most simplest thing to do. When it comes out of your mouth, it will sound right. It will sound like you’re meant to tell her that you’re in love with her, because you are.

“You’re in love with me?”

His future self is right. He’s completely surprised at how perfect and easy it felt to tell you his feelings for you. It was like he was destined to tell you. Loving you sure is easy.

“I’m in love with you, stupid.”

You blink up at him. “Jaehyun, you’re not making any sense right now. It was just weeks ago when you asked me if I should ask Yeona to marry you. It was just weeks ago when you told me that you missed her a lot. It was just weeks ago when you thought my confession was a joke—”

I want you to tell her that you’ve been in love with her since the night of Christmas Eve.

“On Christmas Eve, I picked you up. Yeona and I were going through a rough time in our relationship and I was starting to question if we were meant to be together. I asked and begged for a sign.”

“A sign?”

“The first snowfall. You and I were together on the night of Christmas Eve, where we both witnessed the first snowfall. You asked me if I knew what it meant,” he explains. “I thought ‘Is this the sign I’ve been looking for?’ and then I joked around asking if you were in love with me, not expecting you to say yes. And you did. I couldn’t believe it.”

“Jaehyun—”

“And that summer where you didn’t come up to the cottage. I felt lonely even though I was with Yeona. Things just didn’t feel the same.” He lets out a shaky laugh. “Everything started to remind me of you. I just knew Yeona was annoyed about it. I kept talking about how this and that reminded me of you. It was all starting to make sense.”

“But you still had thoughts about asking her to marry you.” You say and he shakes his head.

If she tries to test you by saying that you were contemplating on proposing to Yeona, I want you to say this— “I asked you for your opinion on it because I couldn’t trust my own decision. I wanted to see if you would say no. A part of me was begging you to say no.” He tells you the truth. He really was hoping you to say no. “But you told me that you love me and that your confession wasn’t a joke. That’s when I knew.”

“So,” you mumble. “You’re in love with me?”

“I confessed my feelings for you three times already.”

“But I want to hear it again—”

“The train is arriving in two minutes. The train is arriving in two minutes.” The speaker announces. The two of you look at each other.”

“I’m in love with you, Y/N.” He confesses again. He can say it as many times as he wants, and it will still feel true and it will still be sincere. “But do you really have to leave me here?”

“I’m in love with you too, Jaehyun.” No matter how many times you’ve already told him that, it always feels like it’s his first time hearing it. He can hear it over and over again and he will still feel like the only man in the entire universe. “And yes, I have to go, Jaehyun. I can’t keep taking the train everyday to work.”

“Can I move in with you, then?”

“Not until you give me a kiss first—”

“How about I marry you instead?”

If you both end up together, which I know you will, 

I will finally get the closure that I needed.

—Future

He looks up from his phone to stare up at a building. He looks back down at his phone to make sure that he’s at the right address. As he confirms the address, he shoves his phone back into his pocket.

“Y/N?”

He spots a familiar figure exiting the building of the company that you work at. The figure is walking away and down the sidewalk. He finds himself following the familiar person, trying to catch up to them. Once he finally does, he taps on their shoulder. They turn around and it’s not you.

“Oh, sorry, I thought you were someone else.” He apologizes.

“Oh!” The woman exclaims. “You’re Jeong Jaehyun, right?”

He furrows his eyebrows in confusion. “You know who I am?”

She nods her head. “You’re Y/N’s best friend, right?”

That’s odd. How does she know who he is— “Yes. Do you know her?”

She smiles. “I’m sure you’ve known of me. We were roommates in college. Do you happen to remember that infamous cookie recipe—”

“Holy shit.” That’s all he utters out. “Those cookies are fucking delicious but—how—you guys work together?”

“I see her on the daily and we’re kind of tired of seeing each other. Honestly, we both thought we’d never see each other again after university. But here we are,” she chuckles, extending her hand out. “I’m Sunghwa, by the way.”

He shakes her hand. “Nice meeting you.”

She tilts her head. “Are you looking for her?”

He slowly nods his head. “Well, actually, we left on really bad terms—”

“I know. I kind of hate you for that.” She cuts him off while shrugging her shoulders. “But what can we do, right? Unless you have the power to change the past, there’s not much we can do. But I do believe in fixing things for the future.”

“I’m sorry—”

“Save that for Y/N.” She smiles. “Y/N took two days off from work. She’s probably in her apartment getting some rest. The company had just finished its merge with another company and ever since then, she hasn’t gotten any rest.”

“Do you know where she lives?” He asks.

“I do. I’ll give you her address,” she replies. “But promise me one thing.”

“I’ll do anything—”

“Don’t tell her that I gave you her address. She’ll kill me.”

“You’re already wilting? I just got you yesterday!”

You stare at the vase of roses sitting on your dining table. There are a couple of petals that have fallen off and a few of them have wilted. You frown, taking a few of them, along with the petals, to dry them and add them to your letters.

Sitting on one end of your dining table is your last letter to your past self. You glance at it. Your phone buzzes in your pocket, diverting your thoughts from the letter. “Hello?”

“How are you, honey?” You hear your mother’s soothing voice on the other line. “Have you run out of groceries? Is your fridge full? I hope it is. If anything, your father and I can drop by the grocery store before visiting you on Friday—”

“You don’t need to, mother.” You chuckle. “I just came home from the grocery store. Hey, do you know how to stop flowers from wilting so fast?”

You can hear her frown. “Have the roses wilted already?”

“Yeah, and I just got them yesterday.” You sigh. “It’s okay. I’ll just make another stop by the flower shop to get a new bouquet.”

“Have you been eating your meals?”

You smile. “Yes, mother. In fact, I’m going to be meeting someone tonight.”

“Is it a boy?” 

You snort. “No.”

“Do I know them?”

“I’m meeting Yeona tonight.” You say softly. “We’re going to have dinner at a restaurant that opened up down the road. I’m not sure how it’ll go but—”

“Are you sure you want to go? You don’t have to meet her if you don’t want to.” She cuts you off. 

You purse your lips into a tight line. “I asked her if we could meet. I’m surprised she said yes, to be honest.”

“You know, when your father and I heard the news about their divorce, we weren’t sure how to react.” Your mother begins. “But Jaehyun’s parents didn’t seem to mind. In fact, when we paid them a visit, they seemed more… relieved?”

You furrow your eyebrows in confusion. “Relieved?”

“It was like a weight was lifted off their shoulders.” Your mother explains. “Ever since they got married, there was never a peaceful day between the two.”

You frown. “Ah, I see.”

She notices your sudden quietness. “Are you perhaps… still in love with Jaehyun?”

You let out a lighthearted chuckle. “I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t.”

“You know, you should try to get in touch with Jaehyun, sweetheart. You’re his only best friend. I’m sure whatever tension you have between the two of you would go away the moment you see each other.”

You sigh. “It’s easy to say but hard to do, mother.”

“I know, I understand.” She says softly. “Have you sent out your letters?”

You laugh, looking at your last letter sitting on your dining table.

“I’m actually sending out my last one on my way out.”

—Present

He runs his fingers through your hair as you’re sleeping peacefully next to him. You had a rough day at work and the moment you came home, you knocked out on the bed. Jaehyun took this opportunity to finish reading the letter he received from his future self.

I’m sure you’re wondering what happened between Y/N and I. Now, sit tight because this will be a long one.

On July 31st, I asked Y/N to go to the beach. I asked her because I knew that Yeona would be going to the beach that day. I figured it was a great opportunity to try and make Yeona jealous, and maybe get to know her more. And we did. 

But something felt off.

I remember Y/N asking me if we could go to the town fair instead. The town fair was only open for a week. But I was persistent on going to the beach instead. I wish we went to the town fair instead. 

Ever since I lost contact with Y/N and ever since she moved out of town, she stopped going up to the cottage for the summer. Those summers have been lonely. Whenever I go up to the cottage for the summer, the town fair would immediately remind me of her and how much I regret not taking her to the fair instead. 

Jaehyun’s phone buzzes in his pocket. He looks at his phone to check the new text notification, only to take notice of his phone’s lock screen. It’s a picture he took of you when the both of you rode the Ferris Wheel. 

“Y/N—” 

“Yeah?” He takes a quick candid photo of you.

“Did you just take a picture of me?”

“Yes, I did. I think it’ll be a good picture to use for your Tinder or something. I’ll send it to you.”

“Why, you little—”

“Sent it!”

He looks up from his phone to see you looking down at yours. You’re busy muttering underneath your breath over how he took the worst angle of your face. A smile threatens to form across his lips. He sets it as his lock screen.

On August 14th, Yeona and her parents came over for dinner. I was so in love with Yeona that I decided to tell her the truth. I told her that Y/N and I weren’t dating and it was all just an act. At the time, I was so happy to see the look of relief of Yeona’s face. That night, she confessed to me. She told me that she was in love with me and that she’s glad that Y/N and I weren’t dating.

But believe me when I say this, her confession didn’t feel special. I remember feeling shocked. I remember wondering, is this how I’m supposed to feel when someone reciprocates your feelings? I remember asking myself, shouldn’t I feel happy right now?

But my thoughts were interrupted when Yeona pulled me in for a kiss. I was surprised. I was caught off guard. Y/N suddenly walked out on the porch and saw us kissing. 

That night, I officially asked Yeona out. But on that same night, I remember walking past Y/N’s room to hear her crying.

I felt horrible. I felt bad. 

On Christmas Eve, Y/N’s arrival time was delayed by an hour. I remember being so excited to see her after months of talking to each other through a laptop screen. I remember being so excited that the moment her father announced that Y/N would be arriving late, I insisted on picking her up instead.

I’m glad I did.

Around that time, Yeona and I were going through a tough time in our relationship. It seemed like she was falling out of love with me. She was posting more photos of her and her guy friend on her account. Our video calls were becoming less frequent. Our good morning and good night texts were becoming less frequent. I really thought that this was it, this was the end of it all. 

I was slowly catching feelings for Y/N. I think her absence really got to me. When Yeona and I passed on our usual video calls, I’d call Y/N instead and we’d talk for hours on end. She would even have a midterm the following day but still made the effort to talk to me. I was finding myself texting my usual good morning and good night texts to Y/N instead of Yeona. But now that I think about it, I think I’ve always been in love with Y/N.

I was just too stupid to realize it. 

I asked and begged for a sign. I was too blinded by love and I wanted a sign to tell me that being with Yeona was right. That fighting for our relationship was the right thing to do. That trying to mend our already broken relationship was the right thing to do.

When I picked Y/N up at the train station, it was the first snowfall of the season. We made a couple of jokes about the first snowfall that somehow led to me asking her if she was in love with me. She said she wasn’t in love with me. She continued to joke around.

I wondered, is this the sign I was looking for? I remember thinking, if this was the sign, then it’s pretty disappointing.

Because a part of me was hoping Y/N would say that she was in love with me.

—Future

“You came?”

Yeona came earlier than you. She’s sitting at the booth, greeting you as you take the seat right across from her. This feels awkward, you think to yourself as you take off your coat. Right on time, a waitress comes by your table to give you two glasses of wine.

“I hope I’m not late.” You say with a lighthearted chuckle.

She smiles. “I’m just a bit too early.”

“How are you?” You ask.

She takes a sip of her wine. “I’ve been doing better. How have you been?”

You smile. “Likewise.”

As the both of you are picking dishes to eat from the menu, you can feel her look at you every now and then. You’re not sure why she’s staring at you, but you pay no attention to it. As the waitress collects the menus and your orders, she leaves the two of you to talk.

“When you called me to ask if we could meet, I was quite surprised.” She chuckles. “I figured that I’d be the last person you’d want to see.”

You bite your lip. “To be honest with you, I’m surprised you came. I was sort of expecting you to bail out on me.”

The both of you share a chuckle. She looks out the window. It’s snowing. “Have you seen Jaehyun?”

You shake your head. “I haven’t gotten in touch with him for years. Ever since your wedding, actually.”

She tears her gaze away from the window, specifically from the snowflakes that fall from the sky. She looks at you, surprised. “Why not?”

You shrug your shoulders. “I guess I was just too busy with work. I mean, I still am, but—”

“You should, Y/N.” She places her hand on top of yours. 

You stare at her hand that’s on top of yours. There’s no longer a wedding ring on her fourth finger. It kind of throws you off. “I don’t think he’ll want to see me. I bet you didn’t even want to see me either—”

“When Jaehyun and I got divorced, I felt like I was finally setting him free.” She confesses. “I felt like something or someone was holding him back. I knew it was always you, Y/N.”

“I’m not sure what you’re talking about, Yeona. Jaehyun’s not in love with me—”

“First snowfall means first love. It means that the person you’re with on the first snowfall of the season will be the love of your life.” She cuts you off. You look at her with slightly widened eyes. “That’s what Jaehyun told me. He also told me that the first snowfall always reminds him of you.”

“Yeona, I’m not sure what to say.” You say with a breathy laugh.

“You didn’t attend our wedding.” She mumbles. “Jaehyun was looking for you the entire night. Even when reception was over, he was still looking for you. Let me remind you that I was the one he got married to. It felt weird, it felt heartbreaking, because although his bride was standing right beside him, he was still looking and waiting for someone else.”

“I didn’t attend your wedding because—”

“Because you’re in love with him.” She finishes it for you. “Y/N, I’m not stupid. I can see it with my own two eyes. You’re in love with him and he’s in love with you.”

“Shouldn’t you be mad at me?” You ask.

She shakes her head. “I wish I could be mad at you, but I’m not. Our divorce was mutual. We filed a divorce because I knew Jaehyun was in love with you, and he still is. But we also filed a divorce because I was slowly falling out of love with him and falling in love with someone else.”

“But I feel like this was all because of me—”

She smiles. “Don’t feel bad. If there’s someone who should feel bad, it should be me. I’ve been selfishly holding Jaehyun back for so long, for three years, from someone he should be with.”

You wipe away tears that have managed to stream down your cheeks. “I—”

“Can I ask you one favour?”

The waitress arrives with your dishes and places them onto the table. As the waitress leaves the two of you again, she reaches out to hold your hands.

You nod. “Sure.”

“Please get in touch with Jaehyun. I’m sure he’s looking for you.”

—Present

Jaehyun calls it a night, placing the letter back into its envelope before putting it back in a drawer. He turns off the night light and settles in bed, wrapping his arm around your waist. You snuggle closer to his chest, continuing to let out soft snores. Jaehyun smiles, using his other free hand to tuck a few stray strands of hair away from your face.

“Good night, Y/N.”

On August 8th, Y/N and I had a conversation at the bonfire. I wanted to test the waters again for the second time. I was so confused. My mind was in love with Yeona but my heart belonged to Y/N. I asked her if I should propose to Yeona.

She looked at me and asked me if I love her. I said that I love her. But she asked me if I love her with all my heart. It took me a while to answer, but eventually, I said that I love her with all of my heart.

Y/N simply smiled at me with a smile that didn’t look real. 

She said, if I love Yeona with all of my heart, then what was I waiting for?

I remember my heart answering her question with,

I’m waiting for you to stop me.

—Future

“Thanks for the ride, Yeona.”

She smiles. “No worries. Text me when you get home safely!”

And off Yeona goes. You watch her car get smaller and smaller as it grows farther. You let out a happy sigh, stepping inside of your apartment complex. You make a quick stop at the mailbox, placing your last letter to your past self into the slit. As you hop onto the elevator, you find yourself thinking back to your conversation with Yeona. 

Just as you step out of your elevator, you stop in your tracks. 

“Please get in touch with Jaehyun. I’m sure he’s looking for you.”

Sitting right in front of the door to your apartment is Jaehyun. He’s looking down at his phone. The closer you get to him, the more you realize that he’s playing a game on his phone. A smile threatens to spread across your lips.

“Excuse me, sir, but I think you’ve got the wrong apartment.”

Jaehyun recognizes the voice and his head shoots up. At first, he doesn’t recognize your face. You had definitely matured. You look like a grown woman. Your hair is long. He looks up at you in awe until he realizes how stupid he looks. He’s immediately getting up onto his two feet, but you stop him when you take a seat next to him on the carpet floor. 

“Y/N,” he breathes out. “Hi.”

You smile. “Hi.”

“I—Long time no see.” He stutters, scratching the back of his neck.

“How did you get my address?”

“Well, I got it from—”

“You got it from Sunghwa, didn’t you?” You cut him off with squinted eyes. He gulps nervously, nodding his head. You sigh. “God, I’m going to kill her for this.”

The both of you look at each other before bursting out into laughter. 

He bites his lip. “How—How have you been?”

You fold your arms. “I think I should be asking you that, Mr. Just Got Divorced.”

He chuckles. “I’ve been doing better. Actually, I think I’ll do even better now that I’ve seen you.”

You raise an eyebrow. “Really?”

“Really.” He sighs. He feels hesitant to ask you a question he’s been dying to ask you. He decides to take a leap of faith. “Have you been seeing someone lately?”

You shake your head. “No. Why? Should I be seeing someone—”

“No.” He cuts you off. You glance at him with a look of suspicion. He feels nervous again. “Well—that’s not what I meant! What I meant was—”

“What are you doing here?” You ask him with a soft voice. You’re looking at him seriously. “Why did you want to see me, Jaehyun?”

“Because there are many things I want to tell you.” He mumbles.

“And what are those things you want to tell me?”

He swears he feels his heart is on fire. He avoids your gaze. “I’m in love with you.”

It feels nice to hear him say it. It’s like time has slowed down and it’s just the two of you in the universe. When you don’t reply, he courageously looks at you to get some sort of answer from your eyes.

You smile. “I know.”

“You know?”

You hum in reply. “I know that you’re in love with me.”

“But are you in love with me?” He whispers. “I mean, it’s fine if you’re not. I just figured that it would be best for me to let you know that I’m in love with you. All I want is closure and a piece of mind knowing that you know that I’m in love with you.”

“You’re rambling agan, Jaehyun.” You chuckle. You look away from him. “What if I’m in love with you?”

“Are you?”

You let out a sigh. “God, I’m so in love with you, Jaehyun. I’m still in love with you.”

“Huh?”

“I’m in love with you.” You repeat yourself.

“You’re in love with me?”

“I’m in love with you, stupid.”

He doesn’t say anything that it makes you start to worry. You look at him, only to find him looking at you. You really want to kiss him. But you’ll probably have to save that for later.

“So,” he mumbles. “You’re in love with me?”

“I told you like three times already in the span of two minutes, Jaehyun.”

“But I want to hear it again—”

“I’m in love with you, Jaehyun.” You repeat it one last time for him. “But do we really have to be sitting on the floor like this in front of my apartment? When we could literally be chilling inside?”

“I’m in love with you too.” He whispers. “And no, we can definitely go inside. If you’re okay with me being in your apartment, of course.”

“Or, you can move in with me. Do you want to move in with me?”

“Not until you give me a kiss first—”

“How about you ask me to marry you instead?”

“Would you say yes, though?”

You laugh.

“Yes.”

“Babe, I’m going to make a quick stop downstairs! I just need to mail something.”

Jaehyun sees you give him two thumbs up. He’s hopping into the elevator to lead him down to the lower floor. He steps out of the apartment and reaches the mailbox. He seals the envelope before placing his letter to his past self through the slit.

He dusts his hands off. “I hope you get there safely.”

—Present

“Babe, have you seen an envelope?”

You step out of the washroom to find Jaehyun rummaging through the drawers. “An envelope? No, why?”

“I swear I placed it in this drawer last night, but now it’s gone.” He frowns, checking all the drawers one last time before sighing with defeat. 

You furrow your eyebrows in confusion. It’s probably his letters, you think to yourself. “I think I might know where it went.”

“Really?” He asks.

You nod. “Yeah, I’ll look for it. You should go take a shower before you run late for work.”

As he steps out of the bedroom to take a shower, you open your closet to pull out a box where you’ve put all of your letters in. You can hear the shower turn on as you close the closet door shut. You take a seat on the bed, opening the box—

“What the fuck?” You blurt out.

You’re pulling out the letters, one by one, but as you take them out, they all start to disappear into thin air. One by one, they start crumbling up into thin dust, disappearing in your fingertips.

And what was once a box filled with letters from your future self is now, empty.

And just like the letters that have disappeared as if they’ve never happened, the future has been successfully rewritten.

author’s note. thank you for reading! i hope you enjoyed this short sequel to seven letters lmao. kjsdhfjkshdf 

[astrowitch]

An Enjoltaire WIP

This is a scene from a big project I’m currently working on. As you may be able to tell, this scene is unfinished, but I’m pretty proud of it so far. I’ve tried to make the dialogue as authentic as I can to the 19th century, but it can be hard to do while still trying to be true to your own writing. It’s definitely ambitious, but I’ve tried my best, so please be patient with me. 

June 4th, 1832

“Grantaire, please just listen to me-“

“No! I’m not going to listen to you justify getting yourself killed!”

“You don’t know that I’ll be killed! What if we succeed? Then we still have time…then we have a bright future for France!” 

Grantaire sighed deeply, a sense of despair washing over him as he exhaled. 

“Enjolras, mon ange,” He began, gripping the blonde man’s soft, slender hand within his own big and rough one, “You are so idealistic. How I envy you and pity you at the same time. Your mind is beautiful, optimistic, everything I’ve ever wanted to be. But it is unrealistic. The National Guard will not listen to the people, much less students. I’m begging, if you just call this off, no one has to die. We can…we can be guaranteed time,” Grantaire’s voice caught in his throat as he finished what he was saying. Of course, right when he had earned a stroke of luck, the thing that he was living for was to be stripped away from in a matter of hours. Grantaire so desperately wanted to wake up tomorrow morning in his rooms with his lovely Enjolras in his arms and the sunlight beating down upon them. He knew that this wish was in vain, for Enjolras was the most selfless person he had ever met. He couldn’t be satisfied until everyone around him was. Grantaire would follow Enjolras to the ends of the Earth, so deep down, he knew that not only were these his last day or two with Enjolras and his friends, but also his last days alive. 

Enjolras had a look of frustration on his face, but still had a firm grip on Grantaire’s hand. His blue eyes bore straight into his lover’s soul, and Grantaire wasn’t sure how much longer he could hold his tears back. Hell, Grantaire didn’t even know if this Heaven he had been taught about was real. If God was real, how dare he burden this suffering upon Grantaire’s, Enjolras’s, and all of France’s backs. 

“Grantaire, nothing you say can stop me. I know what I must do. My duty lies with France, and I cannot let her down. I would love nothing more than to spend the rest of my days with you, not a care in the world, but none of that is possible until France is reformed! When I feel the crunch of the monarchy beneath my feet, I will be at rest,” Enjolras rambled, his grip on Grantaire’s hand getting tighter. His eyes told a different story than his words, and it was easy to tell just how terrified Enjolras was behind his cover of fearless leader. It was in moments like these that Grantaire recognized Enjolras’ humanity, contrary to when he first met the man. 

Alexandre Enjolras was not a god. He was just a boy with a dream. 

Cynical Adrien Grantaire was irrevocably and utterly in love with him. Grantaire’s heart was breaking more every second he thought about losing his love. 

“Enjolras, please. I can’t lose you. I-,” Grantaire choked on a sob before he could mutter those three words to the boy in front of him. 

Arms immediately came to envelope Grantaire in a tight embrace. He felt the familiar soft curls brush up against his neck, and he tried to keep his sobs under control. 

“I know, Adrien. I know. I’m sorry. I’m so so sorry-,” Enjolras was speaking through tears too, as Grantaire felt them soaking the collar of his shirt. It was even more unusual to hear Enjolras speaking his first name though, then it was to see him shedding a tear. 

Shakily, Grantaire brought one of his hands up from Enjolras’ waist to card it through his Apollonian curls. “I…I would call you Alexandre, but I think you might actually kick me,“ He tried joking, but it came out watery and desperate. Enjolras still let out a broken laugh, and Grantaire’s heart soared at the thought of himself bringing Enjolras joy. 

“Grantaire, I- there’s just so much I want to say to you and so little time. There are so many injustices in the world, and I feel that this is one of them,” mused Enjolras, his composure clearly cracking. 

“I think we’ve finally come to an agreement on something. How bittersweet those words taste on my tongue in a time like this,” Grantaire leaned his forehead against Enjolras’ own. The pair of them were an incredibly melancholy sight. 

“Grantaire?” Enjolras broke Grantaire out of his cage of darkness. 

“Yes?” He replied, the smallest twinge of hope manifesting in his voice.

“I…I need you to stay as far away as you can from the barricade tomorrow. I may be risking my life, but…but you don’t have to. Do you understand me?” These words looked like they were physically painful for Enjolras to say, like thousands of little knives pierced his throat as they fell from his mouth. 

Grantaire let out a humorless laugh at that. “Enjolras, you really believe that I will stay away from you tomorrow?” He started.

“Grantaire, please-“ 

“Enjolras. My world is nothing without you. I have no one if you and the others are to expire at the barricade. Living alone for eternity is a far worse fate than dying together. I told you that I would never abandon you, and I intend to keep that promise. There…there is no longer an Adrien Grantaire without an Alexandre Enjolras I’m afraid. My soul intertwined with yours the moment I laid eyes on you. Tomorrow, I’ll be there with you. I’ll die with you…and I’d do it over and over again for a million years if it meant I’d get to experience whatever we have,” Grantaire exhaled after he spoke these honest words. 

Enjolras surged forward to capture Grantaire’s lips in a passionate kiss. Grantaire felt tears staining both his and Enjolras’ cheeks as they embraced. It was horribly poetic, their tears mixing. All their anguish was shared, much like their fates seemed to be. When Enjolras finally pulled away from their kiss, he buried his face in the crook of Grantaire’s neck, hiding himself from the world. He was holding on to Grantaire impossibly tight, like he’d somehow slip away from his grasp if he didn’t. 

It was then Grantaire heard the most heart-wrenching sound; Enjolras gasping for breath, sobbing helplessly into his neck. This was so unlike the Enjolras that he had first met that it was almost disconcerting. This Enjolras was vulnerable and loving instead of cold and militaristic. This was the Enjolras that a lot of people didn’t have the pleasure of seeing. Of course, it was clear that Enjolras cared deeply for others, but he had never broken down like this before. 

“Shhh…I’m here. We’re going to get through this…together,” Grantaire soothed, holding the golden boy in his arms close. 

“I…I’ve never-“ Enjolras began, “I’ve never felt like this before. Oh, how Marius underestimated me in his speech about the girl he met. I do know how it feels to…to…,” he stumbled. 

“To?” Grantaire questioned, hoping that this was going the way he believed it was.

“To be in love. Grantaire, you’ve changed me for the better. How could I have gone on to die without knowing how it felt to be cared for by you? You’ve made my task so much more difficult than it was before, not only because you have a fondness for playing Devil’s Advocate. You have the kindest heart I’ve ever had the pleasure of seeing. I’m honored that you let me in,” Enjolras didn’t have time to finish what surely would’ve been a long, rambling proclamation of love because Grantaire so quickly captured his lips in another kiss. 

“So many call me cynical, but more honest words have never been spoken than when I told you that I loved you from the moment I saw you. I have been your beloved Patroclus from the very beginning, and you my Achilles. How queer it is that we’re also condemned to a tragic end! Maybe it makes our ephemeral romance all the more fascinating,” Enjolras couldn’t help but grin as Grantaire began his waxing of the classics. It was one of many little quirks he adored about the artist. 

When Grantaire finished his spiel, the hopeless expression returned to his sullen face. Enjolras mirrored it, pressing his forehead against Grantaire’s own. 

“We will treasure this night, live in our own world. Tomorrow, we return to the situation at hand. We honor General Lamarque, and we will rise up and show the king that we are tired and desolate. If we are to perish, at least we have made a point. At least we have perished for the sake of the people,” Enjolras, ever the patriot, insisted passionately. If this wasn’t such a tender moment between the two of them, Grantaire normally would’ve started an argument, but he had the wise judgement to not say anything. 

[buryyourfavouritestrope]

Five years sure do fly - Shiro Fujimoto

Author Note: Just going to leave this one here.

How many times had she visited this place in the past three weeks? Not once had she managed to make it through the iron clad gates. Perhaps it was the weather that prevented her entrance. Each day had been a painfully sunny one, the direct opposite to the current heartbreak that was dancing through her chest. Or perhaps if she were being honest with herself, it was her cowardice that stopped her. It would certainly explain a lot, she hadn’t spoken to the man for over five years and yet she had made her way back as though she had never left.

What could she say? ‘Hey Fujimoto, wow how five years flies. I didn’t mean to stay away for so long, but you know the Vatican and other Exorcist business. Could not get the time off. Oh no, I…it had nothing to do with your adopted demon sons starting to call me their mom or pushing both of us to confess feelings that I tried to bury to each other’

Her brow furrowed; in a few minutes the confidence within her would dissipate. She would find her eyes darting to the pavement before her body pulled her further from the area. With a mutter about returning the next day she would scurry away back to the hole she had come from.

It was her own fear that had pushed her away from Fujimoto, the panic paired itself perfectly with self-doubt and within those final few months she had ruined everything. She had stopped visiting the twins, the monastery. She had rejected every call and text from Shiro, every time he would visit, she would pretend to be out, or she would ask for a certain demonic benefactor to draw his attention away.

The day she left; she had made no objection to Mephisto telling Fujimoto. In truth it had been a selfish idea that the man would turn up with his two tearaways in toe and confess like some bad rom com rerun. A selfish picture that she had no right to.

“It helps if you walk inside, the gates a fine material but the grounds inside are much more appealing. I can assure you there are no demons beyond this point,” Mephisto cooed. His sudden presence had caused her to jump, a hand flying to her heart as she glanced at him. It shouldn’t have surprised her that he would turn up here. In fact, it wouldn’t have surprised her if he’d been watching her ever since her return. The demon knew everyone’s habits. “Well, none from Gehenna at least”

“I don’t belong here. I’m not even sure why I even came” She mumbled. There would be no use clearing the air now, the unspoken words had no right to be said – not anymore. Instead, she gathered herself, expelling what little courage she had left and smiled at Mephisto. “I should probably get going, my flight leaves later this afternoon and check in at the airport is a pain these days.”

“My dear, I think this is exactly the place you belong. I’ve watched you stand here for three weeks, each time you stumble at the last hurdle, and though it’s a pleasure of mine to watch you humans and your strange cycles, I really think you should break this one. If you run again, I can’t promise you that it’ll make you feel better.” He chided. The smirk that danced along his features did little to soothe her. “Consider your vacation to the Vatican cancelled, I’ve asked for your help here at this Exorcist Branch. There seems to be some troublesome students at the Cram School that could really use the guidance of someone like you. No protests I’ve already spoken to the higher ups.”

She nodded; there would be no point in arguing with Mephisto. The man always had the last laugh, even when she was younger and he would tease her, much to the protest of Shiro. They always seemed to come to blows when she was involved. Mephisto had a habit of placing her in danger with his ridiculous antics and Shiro would always be there to protect her.

“So step in, say your peace and come to True Cross Academy with me.” He announced, his hands pushed her towards the gates with little resistance. “I’ll be waiting here when you’re ready”

She left him leaning against the iron gates as she dawdled through the grounds. She ran her eyes over each syllable attached to the stones until she found his. It hurt her to know she missed the funeral; it made her sick to her stomach to know that she could’ve done something had she not cancelled her flights every month.

The fresh flowers adorning the stone made her smile. Perhaps Yukio had been this morning, the boy had always been a softie, a strong one but a big softie. She remembered the time they all sat on the grass outside the monastery. She would teach him to make flower crowns and read him books on different flowers whilst Rin ran amuck covering himself in mud. Shiro would stand there a cigarette in his lips as he watched the older twin run around with his arms in the air.

“it’s been a while.” She began, “I don’t know what to say, I guess…You always started conversations, you knew I was hopeless so you always started them because if I did, I would put my foot in something. Like the time on a mission when we visited an elderly couple and they asked how long we’d been together, and I started rambling. I think I called her an old hag; said you were handsome and called her husband a saint for dealing with her.” She smiled. She hadn’t noticed that her legs were trembling or that water had begun to fall down her cheeks. Part of her wanted to call for Mephisto, just to have someone there. She wanted someone to tell her this wasn’t real, Shiro had been planning this prank for years.

‘You called me handsome, I think the actual term was as handsome as sin, I also think I heard you said that no matter how old I get I could still get some” He laughed. His laugh surrounded her like a hug as she pictured that memory. She remembered shouting at him, her face bright red as blood pooled in her cheeks. She hadn’t said that she remembered screaming that at him, that he would be lucky if she even gave that a second thought. ‘uh uh, no take backs. I don’t think my journal could handle the heartbreak. I’d have to go home and scribble out all the hearts with our initials in them.’

“This is so messed up; you shouldn’t be here. You should be with the boys stopping Rin from doing something dumb and watching Yukio study. Anything but here. When Mephisto…when they told me, you died. I screamed and screamed until my lungs hurt too much to continue. It was too late to come to the funeral; he’d come too late and I hated it. I hated him because if he’d been a day earlier, I would’ve been there for Rin and Yukio. I had the tickets months ago, but I missed the flight. I should have been here, and I would give everything to go back and get on that plane. I would give anything to rewind time to five years ago.” She cried. Her knees bucking beneath her as she stumbled to the ground. “I never…I never told you how much you all meant to me, all those messages you sent asking me if I hated you, if you’d done something but it was me. I couldn’t deal with the idea that my feelings wouldn’t be reciprocated. I left it too long and you died.”

Her hysterics flooded the quiet of the graveyard. She was certain Mephisto could hear her cries from outside the graveyard. Even more so when she heard his footsteps falling against the pathway. She felt his arms surround her as she sobbed. Shiro was gone; her world had almost entirely shattered. The words left unspoken were now rotting in her mind.

“I miss him, I miss him so much” She wailed.

“We all do, none more than the two Okumura boys. Father Fujimoto. Shiro informed me shortly before he died, that should he ever be unable to care for the boys that they be placed under your care, if you were to remain abroad, I would look after them. But you’re back now and I think it would be beneficial to them if you saw them. Yukio has grown into a fine teacher since you’ve been gone, and Rin has given himself a bold goal for the future. One I’m sure he’ll need your help with. But first we need to get you all cleaned up.” Mephisto whispered.

[luna-is-on-mars]

I'm so deeply sorry for worrying you @ajokeformur-ray and @jslittlebirdie! That was never my intention and it pains me very much to realize how unfair and careless my disappearance was. In fact, I still find it difficult to realize and accept that I'm actually seen, heard and even valued by the two of you, that I may not just be a nobody on the internet, but a very real friendship. I would like to apologize to you from the bottom of my heart for the sorrow that has arisen, for the worries and thoughts that you've made, for the horrific impression that I've given and all the other terrible things and feelings that my sudden absence caused. I swear none of this was my intention and I hope so much you two know that none of this has to do with any of you! I'm all too aware of how it feels and none of you deserve it in the least. For this reason I understand that you don't want to have anything to do with me anymore and yet I hope that you can accept my apology. What I did was neither fair nor justified, I know that, but I still want to let you know that I miss you indescribably. Even when we weren't interacting or I was online, you were always with me, in my heart and mind. The meaning that you've for me is limitless and I could never thank you for all the wonderful, great things that you've done and are for me. I hope to never forget you and I hope so much that my carelessness and thoughtlessness didn't ruin such a meaningful acquaintance!

I was wondering how I could ever get in touch again, tried not to be a coward just once, to admit my mistake and to apologize. I know that I've always needed you more than you needed me, that I've hoped again and again for understanding and acceptance from you. And I realized that this time is probably no exception. So if you're still reading this text, then the READ MORE will be followed by my explanation of why I disappeared at all, why it took me so long to come back and what was going on in my head.

So, as you may know, my apprenticeship started last Monday. In detail, this means that I have two days of school every two weeks and one day of school for the opposite two weeks. In the weeks where I have one day of school, I also work five days in the store, in the weeks with two days of school it is four days. This means that I only have one day off per week and that I'm awake from 5:10 or 6:00 am, until 1:30 or 2:40 pm at work/school, at 2:00 or 3:30 pm I'm at home and go to bed by 9 p.m. at the latest, so really too little time to rest, cook, clean up, etc. So currently I ride my bike about 40-50 km per week. All of this ensures that I'm quite exhausted, plus the overwhelming changes in my everyday life, with completely new and unknown environments, activities, people and above all routines (which is an enormous effort for me). But all of this has become more or less established for me and I very much hope that not too much will change now and that I'll get used to everything as quickly as possible.

All of these things are already exhausting enough for me, but the worst is that I'm now going back to school with people who're all too quick to judge and who've high expectations of me, who've little understanding and openness for people who're different, with problems and difficulties. People like me. I've already had a negative clash with one of my teachers because he asked me to do something that I couldn't organize in terms of time.

But that's not what's worst for me because that's one of my classmates. She has only seen me for two days, hardly knows anything about me and yet she hurt me so much and made me think that I came home and cried, so discouraged and hopeless. Actually, I'm not an overly "openly" emotional person, but I don't have too high an opinion of myself anyway.

She told me that I'm such a shollow person, invisible, irrelevant, that my being alone alienates me from my surroundings, that I would't understand anything within the real life, that all I'm and feel are just my thoughts, that I'm a waste in this world, that I'm alone and always will be because my lack of social interaction and experiences mean that I'm not able, don't have the right, to feel part of any group or society. She told me that I'm a nobody, incapable of anything, with a cold heart.

And let me tell you, I was overwhelmed, scared, sad and hurt. I actually thought there was some truth to it, and maybe it is, but after days of worrying, I realized that I'm SO MUCH more too!

All of my problems, all of my loneliness don't make me angry, bitter or cold-hearted, on the contrary, in fact. My loneliness and detachment are part of me, neither positive nor negative, they allow me to observe, understand and empathize. Maybe I don't belong anywhere, but because of me, no one else will EVER have to feel as if they're not accepted and valued for who they're. No one will ever feel as lost or hopeless as I do. For me, every single living being is something very special and extraordinary. Maybe I don't have a big or important meaning, but neither am I meaningless. If being part of one of these groups or societies means that it's okay to hurt someone, then I NEVER can and NEVER want to be part of them. I prefer to watch the world, stay away from people who have no idea of the meaning of their words and deeds, stay lonely. Because, in reality, my heart is neither cold nor dead, it's incredibly alive, full of warmth and love. My mind is filled with so many wonderful ideas, stories, observations, and experiences; it's not dull or wasted. My amazement, love, curiousity, compassion and appreciation are truly limitless. Maybe I'll never fully understand the people and life around me, maybe I'll never find my place, my home, but that's okay. My mother always told me that if I don't find my place among people, I'll always have one among the stars. I've no idea what or who is popular, how to do this or that, what's considered normal or realistic, what makes the average life special, worth living or beautiful. And that's okay. I realized, more than before, that I'm capable of something, something very important in fact! I feel, intensely, limitless and almost magical. I know what it feels like to have the rain pattering down on me, to feel the wind in my hair, to see my cats happy, to see the smiles of those around me, authentic and beautiful, how amazing it is to look at the stars, to be filled and flowed through by music. I know what it feels like to live, not to experience, but to simply be alive, to breathe, to see and to perceive everything, no matter how small, around me. To be overwhelmed by emotions, good and bad. Should I actually be meaningless, then I'm definitely grateful for all the meaningful things that I can experience.

I'm lonely, out of place, that's right. Maybe I'm lost, but maybe it allows me to see and discover so much more. I have realized that all of my weaknesses and difficulties, my loneliness, make me understanding and kind. Not cold or incompetent, insignificant or indifferent. I wish I could show her, make her understand that there's so much more than popularity or reputation, all of these wonderfully great things that she seems to overlook or perceive as of less value. And even though her words hurt me, I made up my mind to forgive her. I wish she would understand how complex and meaningful words, deeds, feelings, people and this extraordinary world are, I'm sorry that she understands and appreciates so little. In any case, I want to make sure that she, or anyone else, NEVER gets hurt by me.

I'm sorry to annoy you with my rambling, but that's why I needed time to myself. Unfortunately, I'll not have too much time and energy to be very active in the future either, but I'll try to read and answer all of your wonderful messages. I can't tell how quickly I'm able to do this, but I will try my best! After a really exhausting and intense week, I'm definitely back. And I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for all of the compassionate, thoughtful messages. Their, and your, incredible meaning is really difficult for me to put into words, so THANK YOU!

I miss you both so incredible much and I hope all is well with you.

[twink-frank]

hi i’ve noticed the pencey prep gay conversation going on over on @awsugar and i have spent lots of time dissecting pencey prep lyrics and subjecting nathan @faggot-frank to my deranged ramblings so Here is my pencey prep super ultra mega gay lyrical analysis masterpost. it’s very long so its all under the cut but i will include a TL;DR for those who dont wanna read paragraphs of my deranged ramblings: Pencey prep uses lots of themes of: heartbreak, forbidden love, keeping love a secret, and toxic relationships. which none of that is gay on its own but combined with them almost never using gender indicators in their songs and the “nail in the coffin song” of 8th grade it ends up being a very Fruity Album.

I will be going through heart break in stereo in order and pointing out which lyrics and elements of certain songs jump out to me as Super Mega Gay and then summarizing my conclusions at the end <3

1 ) PS Don't Write

PS don't write is about leaving a toxic relationship, it has notes of moving on and leaving someone behind. "packed up all my shit / stole back all my tapes / left your spare key under the mat / this is not a joke / you'd better learn to take a hint / 'cause i'm not coming back / maybe you'll understand / when you're waking up alone / in a cold and empty bed." it has no gender indicators or pronouns which is the case in a lot of pencey prep songs, and something i'll bring up quite a bit. it also has general "coming of age" themes, something common in lots of pencey prep songs. which Yeah apply to straight people to but read in this context combined with future evidence can be pretty Fuckin Gay. "somewhere along the line / i found a hidden strength / i didn't know i had / standing on my own / cutting all the strings / that you used to control / surprise surprise / i am long gone / if you thought you could hold me down / by holding me up / you were wrong / you don't call the shots anymore." not to say only gay people can find inner strength and the room to love themselves but combined with other context it is a really poignant message about accepting yourself for who you are.

2) Yesterday

Yesterday is very repetitive and has a lot less to analyze, but the constant themes of wanting to "run away" strike me as very Fruity. once again, not saying gay people are the only people who can want to run away or escape from something But Combined With Other Context. and once again a song with no gender indicators, doesnt specify who the speaker is running away with or what they are running away from. just that they want to Leave. "i wanna run with you / i don't care what we do / gotta get out of this place / because it feels like yesterday." also saying "it feels like yesterday" could mean that the town feels backwards or old timey in its beliefs, implying homophobia. how the speaker wants to run away from an old fashioned town.

3) Don Quixote

i'm going to bring up the cultural significance of this title and literary reference first. Don Quixote is a classical novel by Cervantes which is about a crazy dude who thinks he's a knight, and goes on weird adventures with his best friend. It's typically used as a symbol of following your dreams and breaking free from what people expect of you. In the context of the song its used as a symbol of following your dreams with Someone. once again this someone is given no gender indicators. "you say it's not worth it / been burned too many times / if your spine's receding / you can borrow some of mine / don't go and quit right now / cause i'd follow you through hell." "you say so many things / and not a word of it was true / if you're still in that state of mind / i'd still vacation inside of you / cause i think you're worth every minute / and every dime that i spend / i'd spend all my time fighting dragons / just to keep you alive and talking." it's about wanting to spend time with someone, wanting to be with them no matter what. and its also about how this person feels unreachable, like being with them would be a fairytail but the speaker Still Reaches for it. "your imaginations running wild / round your deceptive heart / this is my crusade / and you're the unreachable star / but i'm reaching." talking about this person being unreachable and unattainble. which isnt gay By Itself  but again combined with the other context. FRUIT BEHAVIOR.

4) 10 Rings

another breakup song once again with no gender indicators, are you guys sensing a theme here? anyways this song is about someone cutting you off and then coming back suddenly wanting to talk again after breaking your heart. it has a sense of forbidden love, like this person Told the speaker they cant be together for Whatever Reason ;] and is now trying to come back and repair their mistake when the speaker is already hurt and reeling. "learn to live with decisions you make / i learned things from the break i can't forget / catch you doing drive-bys at 1 AM / it must kill you to know we can't be friends." "end of the summer you cut me off / i cut you out all the pictures i have." which this Isnt Gay By Itself. but bringing that phrase back with other context this is such a uniquely gay experience. being in love with someone and they cut you off Because theyre weirded out by that and then they try to come back, convince you it meant nothing.

5) The Secret Goldfish

my FAVORITE pencey song. this one has a lot. it's another breakup song about heartbreak and loss and im not even gonna dwell on the no gender indicators because yall see the theme now. it has themes of heartbreak and losing someone who is very close to you and having to let go of them and having to accept that this person cant be yours and you cant be with them. "land of the lost / i found myself in nothing / this time, promises broken find me / clutching to you for something / something that you're not / believing in what you say / it makes me lie awake at night / the truth, the truth is not what scares me / it's why you have to lie / all the time." here we see these themes of having to let someone go because they just Aren't The Same as you. "clutching to you for something / something that you're not." maybe like chasing after a straight boy and getting rejected? also the repetition of "heartbreak is forever" when you're young and gay losing that first person you felt some kind of love and attraction to can feel like the end of the world and can be a huge deal because of the lack of representation and guidance young gays get. and the themes of nothing lasting forever, the fact that gay people never get promised eternal love the same way straight people do.

6) 8th Grade

this song is the nail in penceys fucking coffin honestly. the rest of these songs have a lot of plausible deniability, just vague enough to maybe Not Be Gay. but framed in the context of 8th grade they all start to get a lil fruity. Im just gonna go through lyric by lyric for this one. "caught staring again / like a deer in the headlights / when you can't move fast enough / i take a hit for the team / pretty girl is blushing / i can't tell if she's disgusted / laughter starts to swell / someone gets the joke." this kid was staring at some cute boy ass and got caught and everyone is laughing at him for being gay. the "pretty girl" here is what most people think he's staring at but with the rest of the song it's obvious she's not the one he's looking at. "bells ring, i make my escape / helps a little, but doesn't save / beat downs a common thing / with us every day / maybe im just strange / cause i dont change schools / so maybe i like the abuse / or maybe i just like you." literally This is the nail in penceys fucking coffin. "maybe i like the abuse or maybe i just like you." this kid purposefully takes beatings from his bully who is Obviously male if you take into context the next verse. because he Likes Him. "maybe im just strange / cause i dont change schools" literally willingly taking beatings from his bully bc he has a crush. "another confrontation / you've got something to prove / your girl can't tell how tough you are / when you beat me up in the boys room." this just confirms that the subject of the song is a boy, and a tough macho boy with something to prove. maybe also hiding his own internalized homophobia through bullying? "well i made a big mistake / but i can't help who i like / this may not cost my life / but i am branded forever lame." LITERALLY ITS RIGHT IN YOUR FACE. "can't help who i like" "branded forever lame" do i even need to fucking explain this oh my god. he got outed as gay, he Can't Help Who He Likes and is now branded forever as "the gay kid." the rest of the song is general "im gonna get back at my bully" stuff but literally THIS. THIS is the song that brands all penceys other very vague songs as 100% verified super mega ultra gay.

7) 19

this song has a lot less, and is more about internal struggle than anything. but it is the only song with a "she" pronoun in it. but there is one thing i wanna mention. "I scream out loud / but no one hears a sound / i take my life with lack of sleep / i believe the things i feel / the things i see are fooling only me." this song is about not believing what the world shows you, believing what you think is true in your heart and what You feel. not what anyone else tells you. which is a gay experience. believing in yourself and your heart and your feelings, believing theyre right and theyre true and valid. Also this song has a significance in coming right after 8th grade on the album, going from being 13 to 19, from being unsure in your feelings and angry about the people who dont like you to lost and hopeless but somewhat grounded in yourself.

8) Trying To Escape The Inevitable

this song is about an abusive and toxic relationship, knowing you Need to escape it but being so infatuated with the person you literally cant. “i have this reoccurring dream / you make it hard for me to breathe / i gave you everything i could / i gave up everything i owned / and when you smile it’s not for me / you offer little sympathy / your grasp so far exceeds your reach / i wake up, this is not a dream.” “i have this reoccuring dream / where you admit that you’re not happy / i know that you will never leave / you’re here just to torment me.” which like again this isnt an exclusively gay experience but it is very interesting when framed that way. in that gay people are way more likely to throw themselves into abusive and toxic relationships because they dont feel like they can get anybody else. the repetition of “i know i should run” makes it seem like the speaker Knows he should get out but he just Cant because what if he never finds love again? and the little reprise in the middle “i have a new dream / and everything is perfect / the sky is pink, yellow, green, blue, and orange / and all the past has been forgotten / and we fell in love / and we fell in love / and we fell in love / and i fell into your trap.” implying that even if he escapes, even in his dreams he still falls for this person because he feels like he cant have anything else.

9) Lloyd Dobbler

another love song about wanting to have someone but not being able to because of Unspecified Forbidden Reasons. “why are you so far away / even when you’re standing next to me? / your eyes give you away / telling secrets your mouht don’t feel like talking.” falling in love with someone, maybe sensing that they like you too. that they Are Like You and that they have a Secret they dont want to vocalize. do i even need to explain it at this point? and in the chorus “That I’ll be your lloyd dobbler / with a boom box out in the street / and i’ll be there if you need someone / even if he isn’t me.” saying you’ll be there for someone even if that person isn’t you, also the use of Pronouns which is big for pencey prep. which yes the use of “even if he isnt me” could imply a straight girl ooorrr....Fruit Behavior. also this line “There’s a norman rockewll painting / of two kids sitting on a bench / it reminds me of all the stupid things / i’d like for us to share, but i dont care.” normal rockwell is a painter that paints traditionally “american” scenes. like the american ideal, that maybe he wants with this person. but he knows he cant have, but its stupid and domestic and he wants it but he Cant Have It because of FRUIT BEHAVIOR.

10) Florida Plates

another of my favorite pencey songs, and this one brings back those tragic “love but we cant have it” themes, except with a more somber tone. instead of being angry or resentful or spiteful in the face of adversity. its an Acceptance, of what they had and how good it was and how it just Cant Last. “kiss a mouth to open eyes / stall one last moment before goodbye / drive in different cars in different directions / never write all the letters full of good words, better intentions / it’s for the best although we don’t know it / paper words will cheapen the moments we shared / it’s better if i say nothing at all.” it’s about knowing you have to leave someone, even if having them in the moment is great they Can’t Stay and you can’t even talk or write about the moments you had. which do i even need to explain it at this point? forbidden love, not being able to have each other, not even being able to Talk about it. its a secret, and painful one but its beautiful while you have it. Conclusion alright!!! thank you so so much if you read all the way through that i Know it was long i Know it was a lot of repetition but i wanted to make my point. pencey prep has very big gay themes in their music. with forbidden love, letting go, heartbreak, keeping secrets, toxic realtionships. which none of it is gay on its own but in the context of: almost none of the songs having clear gender indicators and always speaking really vaguely about the subject and Eight Grade the “nail in the coffin song” you can see my point thank you and goodnight.

[retvenkos]

alright, Olive, I'm back with a weird question. (but first of all, I hope you're doing good! how awfully rude of me to not start my ask by that) because you're so good at psychoanalyzing people (and I adore your rambling thoughts), I was wondering if you could maybe help me? I've always wondered who my godly parent would be in the PJO universe - it's been the biggest mistery in my life since I was 8. I just haven't found myself in any figure of the Olympus, maybe because I'd be the child of a minor deity? I've thought about Apollo, and I genuinely like it, but idk, maybe I need a more thorough analysis. I've also gotten Iris and Hemera from other people? I just think your piercing mind could see right through me. anyway, this is weird lol, I hope you don't mind me asking this! and don't worry if you can't answer, it's totally fine. 💜

asdfgfddfgfd, when i get my two weeks off for summer break, i should just do placements for inquiring mutuals because honestly it's one of my favorite things,,,

also, before i get into it (because i have some thoughts™), i'm going to plug one quotev quiz that i think is better than the rest when it comes to these matters: this godly parent quiz.

now, clara, i am not nearly as versed in pjo cabin placements as i am in hogwarts houses, but i'm going to give this my best shot:

first, i think i would be remiss not to mention that you are a libra, and libra is associated with themis, (idk really what that means since i'm not into astrology, lol), but themis isn't mentioned as one of the gods with a cabin, so i'm disregarding that. if we are following this logic though, i think that aphrodite is also associated with libra, so perhaps you could fit into that cabin? personally, i don't see it as strongly as i see others, but you do have a hopeless romantic streak, and a strong sense of community, which could sway you in that direction.

as for apollo, i'm going to unpack that for a minute, because it's very interesting that you'd place yourself there, and i'm on the fence with that myself, lol. (this is very stream of consciousness, so let's see where this section takes us)

i definitely see the association with the arts - music and poetry - although in my mind apollo has always been the performer, and less of the creator. i always associated the muses more with the creation stages of music and poetry. like... the muses are the fashion designers and apollo is the model going down the runway. or the muses are the writers and collaborators in the writers room and apollo is the actor or director. so, while i see the association, i think it's a little weak, because you strike me as more of the quiet artist who's behind the scenes, rather than the bard singing in the pub, trying to get coins. but, you know yourself better, so maybe it's a good association.

and after that, what always strikes me about apollo is the volatile contradictions of his personality. i mean, he's associated with the sudden death of children (rightfully so, i mean he slaughtered all of niobe's sons), along with his sister, artemis, but he's also a healer. he's like that "i'm a healer, but..." meme, which is funny as hell but also a little concerning. like, in many stories he is that godly sort of intelligent strength, but also he's really volatile and has quite a temper on him. i don't really think this relates a whole lot to you, because i get the vibes that you are generally mild mannered, but when something pisses you off, you let is really simmer. i feel like you aren't one to fly off the handle - if you do, it's probably been stewing within you for a while, and whoever your anger is directed at really knows that you're upset, and they knowingly pushed you to that place. i feel like you're more of a grudge holder than hot-tempered (but girl, same).

and then, of course, we have apollo's prophecies. now, maybe this is me reading too much into your scientific mind, but i think you are concerned with the future, but also don't think too much of it is predetermined. i feel like you are more of a trailblazer than that, and might just be prone to ignoring or actively working against anything you saw in the stars, asdfghgfsdfggfdsdfggfd

oh, and, apollo just has so many unfortunate romances, and on one hand, i have you quoted that you are more of an eponine than a cosette, but also, no hate to apollo and his tragic affairs, but he's openly mocked eros, and that truly gives off the vibes of working off of one (1) braincell, and you are too good for that, clara.

and just going back to personality, i think you have a lot of flexibility that just doesn't fit with the apollo cabin.

tldr; kinda but no?

now, i'm gonna kinda hop back into possible theories.

one of my gut reactions was the say athena, but after thinking about it, i'm still a little unconvinced. you have the intellect and pride for this cabin, and i feel like you would get roped into helping a lot of heroes like athena, but you also just have a charm to you that athena lacks. part of athena is that she's unapproachable and her pride is excessive. you, again, are too flexible to be athena. she's staunch where you are willing, and i feel like the rigidity of her nature is too constricting for you. it's very similar as to why i didn't place you in ravenclaw.

i also considered nike because of your competitive streak, but this placement kind of takes away from the underdog vibes i get from you. the righteous fury... the glee in the moment... it's definitely there, but i feel like there's a level of unsurety to your psyche that you don't really get with nike.

which leads me to my final analysis, where i think you would do well as a child of tyche.

let me go through this. so, i mentioned your competitive streak with nike, and that is 1000% evident in tyche. tyche is all about luck and fortune, and i feel like competition is a shoe in. children of tyche like to dabble with the unknown or the novel - it makes life interesting. they like to go against another and see where the cards fall, and if lady luck isn't on their side.... well, tonight's just not their night. they have a secure base to fall back on, and that allows them to stretch their wings and fly.

furthermore, with nike, victory is expected and guaranteed. luck is far more fluid and unpredictable - it's harder to pin down. you can have a lot of luck and a lot of things working in your favor, but still, the desired end result isn't set in stone - it's likely to happen, but there's always risk. this risk leaves for an air of quiet self-assuredness that isn't overbearing. there's always uncertainty in the mix, and that leads to less overt confidence. it also adds to the thrill (or the anxiety).

plus, i think that the gap between fortune and certainty (a pitfall of risk) leads to a lot of checks and balances that i really see in you. there's a lot of clear headed logic that gets weighed against ambition and desire, and it makes for a kind of pragmatism that doesn't stomp out dreams, just looks at them realistically.

which means i feel like a lot of people ask you for advice, clara. it also makes you a decision maker for sure. you might falter for a moment, but in the end, you make a choice and you live with it.

also, i have a personal headcanon that children of tyche are really well rounded, which harks back to my gryffindor analysis of you, where i mention that you have many tools in your box. you are able to manipulate many different things, and you can look at them from many angles, and i love that for you.

i also think this is a good placement for you because luck is all about what-ifs. it's about actively manipulating the world around you. like i said when i mentioned apollo's prophecies - i don't think that you do very well with the predetermined. some things, certainly, but one (1) you are too stubborn to believe you can't change things (oh, the contradictions of a gryffindor and child of tyche), and there's also a level of desperation that things won't always be like this. luck can come to anyone in any place. this is definitely tied to your bleeding heart - you care for people who have fallen on hard times, and you can't help but pray that it's only temporary.

oh, and i headcanon that tyche holds grudges sO BAD. she is only outdone by nemesis and hades.

anyway, this was long and it winded, but TLDR; i hereby herald you a child of tyche. you are my lady luck, clara.

[kiribaku-fics-whatever]

Fake/Pretend Relationship

Moment of truth by Fanficismything

Faced with deportation from Japan, high strung Bakugo Katsuki accepts a marriage of convenience with his partner and co-worker, Kirishima Eijirou. A suspicious immigration officer has him playing along on a trip to Kirishima's family home for his birthday, and is suddenly thrust into the middle of many, many eager friends and relatives, all delighted to know Kirishima's fiance. The longer he stays and sees Kirishima in his element, the more Bakugo unpacks his own feelings on the matter, and on Kirishima himself.

A fanfiction based on the 2009 movie The Proposal that turned into its own storyline and lovingly stuffed full of cliches.

heart stains on the carpet by cityboys

"She's saying we're dating," Katsuki says, trying to put as much disgust into the word as possible. "Me. Willingly being around your freeloading ass—"

"Ah." Katsuki is definitely developing a special kind of intuition for when Kirishima's about to dish out bullshit—because he feels it now, watching the guy do that thing where he shrugs and smiles in an attempt to appear innocent. "Katsuki's a little shy about this sort of thing, you know, and we weren’t going to say anything.”

For effect, he ends with an apologetic smile.

Summer that year brings Kirishima Eijirou to Katsuki's front door.

not even close, not even a little bit, not even at all by theroyalsavage

The proposition is simple: fake-date the single scariest human being on the planet so Todoroki Shouto can go out with his brother. The thing is, with Bakugou, Kirishima thinks he may have signed up for more than he’d bargained for. (A 10 Things I Hate About You AU.)

quote love unquote by newamsterdam

Sero nods. “It’s the chance of a lifetime, really,” he says. “We want you to date Bakugou, for the sake of his reputation with the press. Some public appearances, a few ‘candid’ photos. For at least a couple of months.”

“Bakugou sent you to ask me to date him?” Kirishima asks, baffled.

“Of course not. We, his people, are asking you to date him. He’s going to have to get on board, if he wants his career to survive. And in the bargain, Riot will get all sorts of publicity, because their lyricist will be dating one of the industry’s hottest stars. A win for everyone.”

When Kirishima Eijirou's band hits the big time, he's not prepared for his newfound fame. He's even less prepared to meet the actor he's been crushing on for years, or to start dating him as a publicity stunt. The closer Kirishima gets to Bakugou Katsuki, the more he realizes he's in over his head. But it's hard to stop, once his heart is in it.

i couldnt love you more if i tried by mothsalt

“Right.” Ashido agrees. “It’s different, for sure it’s different. But it’s not bad! It makes you look...softer. Which is funny, ‘cause of your quirk.”

“What happens if that dye washes out too?” Bakugou asks, still squinting in Eijirou’s direction. “Would you be blonde then?”

“Brownish-blonde, probably.” Eijirou knocks his head against Kaminari’s. “Can we go? I really don’t wanna talk about my hair anymore, haha.”

“That’s a first.” Kaminari teases, poking him in the side.

or, kirishima and kaminari are very affectionate bros, and bakugou doesnt know what to do with that information

lionhearted by dearwormwood

Kirishima should've known better then to listen to his friends at this point, but Kaminari wouldn't leave him alone, so what else was he supposed to do?

Punk’s Not Dead by wrunic

“So you want to use me to piss off your mom?” Kirishima summarized, raising one pierced eyebrow at Katsuki.“Look, if you want to be all fucking judgy about it, I take cash,” Katsuki said, dropping his hand palm up on the table.“Hey now,” Kirishima said, raising his hands in surrender, “I didn’t say I wasn’t doing it. I’m always down for a little chaos.” He flashed a grin, showing off his ridiculous shark teeth.“Good,” Katsuki said. “We start tomorrow."

Marry Me... So I Can Date You by sweetbeam

“I mean you could get a green card but yours is about to expire and that takes years, not months. Too bad you aren’t in a serious relationship because you could have gotten a marriage visa.” He rambled on but Bakugou stopped listening.

Marriage. He could do that. He just needed to find someone who didn’t make him want to explode.

“...and I’d totally do it, yknow,” Kirishima finished as Bakugou tuned back in.

“Are you dating anyone seriously, Kirishima?”

The PA’s face filled with a pink color all the way up to his spiky red hairline. “I-I mean I don’t think so...I mean I am not dating anyone as of right now,” he fumbled.

“Marry me,” Bakugou replied like it was a challenge.

Be (Fake) Mine by arashimoon6

Midoriya accidentally leads his mom to believe he's got a boyfriend. It's not a problem until UA decides they should invite the students' parents to come see the dorms. His mother insists on meeting his special person when she comes to visit, so what's a boy with a hopeless crush to do? Certainly not ask that hopeless crush out. Not if he knows what's good for him. After all, it's not like this is some kind of rom-com. Looks like it's time to call on the world's manliest friend.

Husband For Rent by howitzerkaori

JPNews Headline: President Himiko of GZ corp shocks the whole fashion industry!

Himiko Bakugou(75), current owner and president of GZ, shocked everyone by announcing her early retirement during a speech in model- Yuumi Aihara's (24)wedding yesterday night. It's thought that Himiko will pass ownership to current CEO of the company, Mitsuki Bakugou (46)the wife of Himiko's late son, but turns out the full authority will become Himiko's grandson, Katsuki Bakugou(25) to have. President Himiko also announced the upcoming wedding of his grandson and boyfriend whose name is currently unknown..(see more)

or

future ceo bakugou pays a hard up kirishima to be his fake boyfriend for 2 days only, but things doesn't go the way as he planned

[kittyspring-creates]

this is a rant fic mostly. Ship Kit x Larry my oc for sally face. Warning for suicide talk.

Kit sat with her back to the wall, knees to her chest as endless tears fell down her round cheeks. Evidence of her breaking heart, sore and torn. It didn't take long for her to be found. She was at a party after all. Someone else house. Someone else plans. Someone else life in a way. The gathering of people all having a great time as they lose them selves to the bliss of alcohol and drugs. But she had thrown her euphorbia up. Expelled it a while ago, her stomach to weak for what she wanted. It sent her spiraling. Alone in the back of the house where there was no bathroom, no alcohol, no drunk girl to mess with.

Just her and now the slapping of approaching feet. She gasped, snapping her head up to meet the person. He fear calming when she saw the figure. His slight sway in his motion telling his inebriated state. He stopped his walk right in front of her then rested his forehead on the wall. He Looked down at her as his long brown hair flowed over his shoulders. Darkening his hazy expression. She hiccupped as her tears stopped. He raised his limp hand to her head. Rubbing the side of it and petting her droopy ear that laid against her. She leaned into his touch and sniffled. Closing her eyes for a moment until he spoke to her.

"What's the matter" he mumbled, voice hoarse from the burn of the night. She lowered her head back down and began to sob. Her halted tears starting up again. "Everything. This place, my place, my family, my job or lack there of. I'm stuck. Stuck in a house if man babies and a yelling step mom who doesn't believe anyone else can be upset or is allowed to be emotional. Its just like before. Like with my mom. Her abuse and intolerance of me even breathing. Like my ex and his habit of starting fights and putting words in my mouth just to storm of and make me beg for forgiveness. Its never better. Its only ever worse and worse" she rambled. She sat up to wipe her cheeks and try to take in deep breaths. Gasping for air that she needed. Her voice shaking in whines and chokes with her personal waterfall coming down her face. "Its all terrible and no matter how much I prepare for the future rent goes up and food goes up and I need to prepare more so I don't end up on the street. But it keeps going up and I mentally cant handle working full time all the time. But its an excuse, I'm just being lazy, I'm not gonna go anywhere in life like that. I don't matter, my comfort means nothing" she raised her voice. She took in one last big breath and her shoulders sank. Her hiccups subsided and her gasping lessened. She laid her head down on her knees as she loosely held her ankles. She sniffled while she looked at nothing. Taking in none of what she saw before her. "Kitten" the man began again. "Do you want to die" he wondered. Low and raspy. She blinked slowly then mumbled "Yes, more then id like to admit" she confessed.

"You want to leave forever into the abyss where no one can hurt you anymore and you can finally stop existing" he painted a picture with his words. Kit raised her head to look at him, her large eyes dull and red from her crying. "Larry" she whispered. He pushed back from the wall and moved over to the right. He dropped down beside her, his head still swaying a little. "I think about it a lot. Dying. How easy it be. How it would end everything. Sometimes I get angry. They say death doesn't happen to you it happens to the people around you. Sometimes I don't care if their sad about it cause they don't care about me now. Cause I'm not around to help them with their shit so they mourn a therapist that worked without the pay or benefits. And that scares me to. That I don't care. Are you the same Kitten" he turned his head to meet her gaze. She was still holding herself. Hunched to rest in her prompted up legs.

"Yes, I think about that to. No one would really be sad. I would disappear and they'd fake it but really they'd all be happy. After the initial shock and the anger of paying for a funeral. They'd feel lighter with out me. I wouldn't have to fight anymore just to be heard. Or be back handed for having emotions and opinions. In a way id be free from all of it, the manipulation, the trauma, capitalism. Sometimes I don't even care about losing the good things if it means I don't have to suffer the bad anymore" her voice was distant, low and hopeless. Carrying nothing but the shattered remains of her chaotic thoughts.

The man turned his head to look out at the scene in front if them. "Id be sad...though I don't think it matters much. Because id know you'd be at peace. Would you be worse off it I left" he babbled. The woman leaned over to rest herself on his large form. "If you left I would never stop crying. I would cry until my heart cant handle it anymore and I took the leap myself. Its dramatic I know. Selfish even" she moved closer to him. He leaned down and rested his head in top of hers. "Kit, I'm barely surviving. Like you, its all I think about when I'm alone. How much I want to die. How much I know you want to die. How you walked out into traffic and if that car didn't swerve you wouldn't even be here. How everyone forgets and pretends it never happened. Acting like your fine. No one prioritizes you. I think about how easy it be for you to disappear." He reached for her hand and gripped it tightly. She let him, intertwining their fingers. She looked up to see him begin to tear up. "I hate that we're losing, that the assholes of the world have pushed us so far that we want to die. How they keep coming and no one seems to care or wants to do anything about it cause people are just people. I hate watching you suffer, I hate how everyone you met has taken a piece of you, that's not fucking fair. I hate how everyone's taken a piece of me. I don't even know what I'm doing anymore. Or how to make myself happy" the man began to cry. The droplets running down his face as he clenched his jaw in frustration.

"Larry I wanna take you home. But that would mean taking you to the place you hate. Where some man has walked your floors acting like he owns the place. And I can't take you to my place. Not with the constant yelling and temper tantrums going on. The lack of privacy everywhere. Its better to just stay here and fall asleep against this wall. Maybe we wont wake up" the man hiccupped at her ramble. A smile forming on the side of his face. "Your about to say something cute like 'they'll find us here together and know we were best friends'" now she was the one to chuckle and smile. "Are you quoting mew mew power" she wondered.  "Yeah" he held her tighter to stop the trembling of his hand. He ran his thumb along her hand. Trying to ground himself. The conversation ended. Both tired now and un able to move from their spot. The over whelming sadness anchoring them like stone to the floor and wall. Not like any of it mattered they concluded. They really could stay there and no one would care, no one would worry about them. They didn't matter to a soul. To the world around them.

[stevesnailbat]

what the future holds | steve harrington

REQUEST: hey! can you write a fic where reader feels really bad over future/college/career stuff and steve catches her crying over that and comforts her? thank you 💗

summary: Steve comforts you after finding you worrying about your future plans.

warnings: mentions of anxiety

word count: 1.4K

a/n: this is very self-indulgent but I'm not sorry about it <3 hope you all enjoy!

An English paper due by Friday. Three exams and two quizzes this week. Ten scholarship applications due by the end of the month. A job interview next week.

It feels like you have an endless to-do list and that you’re adding two more items to it every time you cross one off. It’s overwhelming, to say the least. You haven’t gotten a break from life in months, it had been almost half a year now since you’d had more than three days in a row to yourself. Life isn’t slowing down any time soon, so you can’t either. 

You can’t help but feel hopeless, like there’s nothing you can do to keep up with everything whizzing past you. It’s hard not to feel like you’re so far behind compared to your classmates, or that you’ll never be as successful as them. Everyone around you seems to keep it together so well, you spend your days fixated on how to get yourself into that routine but it never seems to happen.

The list in front of you as you sit at your desk is daunting, looking at the fifteen tasks to tick off in the next ten hours makes your stomach twist. It’s eight in the morning and—for some reason—you’re up. Being productive is the only way you know how to feel satisfied anymore, nothing else gives you the same gratification. You wonder if you’ll even get past the first four before your anxiety gets the best of you, but you shove your feelings down and start to get to work.

It only takes a few hours for you to feel completely defeated. You’ve been distracted the whole time, the only thought on your mind the whole time is how you can’t compare to everyone around you. You tell yourself your grades aren’t good enough, you’re not competitive enough, you’ll never stand out in the scholarship applications or the job interviews. Everyone else with your major and career track will always seem better than you, and you feel like giving up.

Focusing on the four-page paper in front of you is impossible now, so you opt for distracting yourself with a nap. It seems like the easy way out, sleeping the feelings and doubts away. But, it’s never that easy. You never fall asleep fast enough and your thoughts consume you, anxiety taking over as you think of everything you should be doing instead of sitting in bed. It’s even harder to get yourself out of bed once you’ve gotten there, so you stay.

The tears come soon after, spilling down your cheeks as you run through your to-do list in your mind over and over again. You don’t really know how much time passes from your bed, but you know you’re wasting it. Your thoughts are interrupted when you hear the front door to your apartment open, signaling that your boyfriend is there. There’s not much you can do to stop him from seeing you like this, but you try to cover it all up by wiping your tears and going back to your desk.

When Steve knocks on the bedroom door, he sees you at your desk but knows immediately that you haven’t actually been doing any work. The tear-stained sleeve of your sweatshirt and puffy eyes are the first things he notices when you look up at him. You furrow your brows at him when he frowns at you, setting his bag down on the floor before walking over to you. 

“What?” you ask with a confused frown, but you know exactly why he’s looking at you like that.

“What’s wrong?” Steve questions while standing in front of you at your desk chair, reaching out to run his thumb along your cheek gently. 

“Nothing?” you lie, but he gives you an incredulous look and you sigh. “It’s nothing, Steve.”

“Are you sure? Because this kinda says differently.” he implores, tugging at your soaked sleeve. 

“I don’t want to talk about it, okay?” you snap, pulling your arm back as you curl your legs up against your chest. 

Steve watches quietly as you rub your hands across your eyes, trying to hide the tears you just blinked away. His heart aches at the sight of you struggling, but isn’t sure how he can really help. He reaches for your hand again and jerks his chin towards the bed, motioning for you to come with him. Once he gets you to stand up, he sits on the end of your bed and pulls you into his lap, his hand running through your hair slowly.

“Y’know you can talk to me, right?” he mumbles, pressing a kiss to your forehead as you nod. “Then will you tell me what’s on your mind right now?”

You look up at him with teary eyes and a quivering lip, blinking a few times as he strokes your hair. You open your mouth to speak, but only a small whimper escapes your lips as tears finally spill from your eyes. Steve’s gaze softens at the sight, pulling you closer to him as you bury your face in his chest. 

“I—I can’t do it.” you cry, voice muffled by Steve’s shirt. “I’m so scared that I’m gonna—gonna fail, Steve.”

He frowns at your words and looks over to your desk, noticing the disarray and unfinished to-do list on the table top. Even looking at the list you wrote concerns him, you’re spreading yourself too thin and it’s starting to show. Steve listens to ramble about wanting to quit and how you think you won’t ever succeed for a moment, but can’t take hearing it for too long. He finally reaches down, hooking his finger under your chin to make you look up at him. His eyes are sad looking back at your teary ones, you can tell he’s hurting for you.

“I don’t really know the exact words to say to you right now, but I do know that you’re not a failure and that you’re so—so smart.” he says softly, sighing as you shake your head in disbelief. “Hey, please. Please, I want you to feel better.” he pleads, a desperate look on his face as he speaks. “I just want you to see what I see, okay?”

“Everyone else is doing so much better than me. I can’t compete, Steve.” you whine, shaking your head once again. 

“Yes, you can! You’re just putting too much on your plate at once, it’s making you stress out more than you need to be.” he explains, pointing to the to-do list on your desk. “You don’t need to do that much stuff in one day to be successful, I know all of that isn’t due today. You’re already so successful without all the cramming and shit.”

“I—I just don’t stand out like the rest of the people in my classes.” you say, leaning into his touch as he cups your cheek. “They’re all getting job offers and internships and I—I know I’m not gonna be able to compete.”

“Please, stop saying that.” Steve says, shaking his head at you. “You are just as good—honestly probably better than most of the people in your classes. I wish you’d see that.”

“You don’t have to say that, Steve.” you say quietly. 

“I’m not just saying it to make you feel better, if that’s what you’re thinking.” he replies. “It’s the truth, you’re amazing.”

“You mean it?” you question, looking up at him with hopeful eyes, needing the reassurance more than anything.

“Of course I do, you’re the smartest person I know.” he says with a genuine smile, pressing a kiss to your lips. “An absolute genius.”

“Okay, now you’re pushing it.” you giggle, wiping some rogue tears from your cheeks as he leans down to kiss you again. 

“I’m being serious! You’re my beautiful, successful genius.” he chuckles, staring down at you adoringly. “I love you.” 

“I love you too, Steve.” you say, blushing at his kind words. 

“How does this sound? We can go catch a movie at the theater and then go to that diner downtown that you like. Just forget the real world and our responsibilities for a little bit. Then when we come back, we’ll work out some kind of plan for you and I’ll help make sure you aren’t stressing yourself out too much.”

“That sounds great.” you say with a grin. “Thank you, Steve.”

“Anything for you, baby.”

taglist (join here!): @sourapplebaby @harringtown @nxncywheeler @charmed-asylum @heart-eye-harrington @daddystevee @a-magey @lemonypink @igotmadskills @ilovebucketbarnes @simplesammyx @willowrose99 @scooprtroopr @stranger-noah @thegirlthatsfalling @beverlyparkerr @multi-fandom-freak-lol​

[sugargliderowl]

Thoughts on Janus’ Playlist...

Some of my first-time-hearing reactions to Janus’ playlist (sorry for the rambling parts):

Black Hole Sun: It’s apparently about depression according to Genius? Like it’s kinda like yearning for the depression to be sucked into the “black hole sun”... The snake references and heaven and hell is definitely Janus. Also, it sounds old-timey like a jazz song, so that sets up the mood of the entire playlist. I don’t really get this... but this feels like a mood setter for the entire thing, unless it means something else. What do you guys think?

It Seemed the Better Way: The strings? CHILLS. Leonard Cohen’s voice reminds me of Hades in Hadestown. “Sounded like the truth, seemed the better way... but it’s not the truth today” is just his motto is what I’m seeing. And then the “I better hold my tongue, I better take my place...” part feels like resignation to me. It’s either Janus is trying to help, but that didn’t work so he resigns to become the “villain” of the light sides. It could allude to the dark sides as a whole: they are all trying to help Thomas in their ways, but because being themselves doesn’t work, they need the villain, spooky facade.

Anywhere: Ooh, I’m seeing a vintage vibe from all of this... Back to the song. “It’s a beautiful / If you’ve been lied to” is a good callback to the whole “society is built on lies” from SvS from Jay Dee. “Let this be a call to arms / At the changing of the avante garde / Nothing in this world... is beautiful.” Is Janus a pessimist? If so, he’s a good juxtaposition to Patton, the optimist. Also, the vocals remind me of like a really old timey radio, semi-haunted... my instincts say that it feels like the singer is like Harrison Bergeron (Kurt Vonnegut; do read it; it’s a good short story) trying to tell the truth about this world that people think is a good place.

Talking at the Same Time: Someone please draw Janus as like a 1920s gentleman character swaggering... wait I can. This song reminds me of “Why don’t you do right” by Jessica Rabbit on “Who Framed Roger Rabbit.” Jazz or blues? Either one. This song is really depressing? I don’t know why, but there is that feel of everything is hopeless. Pessimistic, again. “A tiny boy... made a sword from a stick and a gun from his hand” reminds me of Roman in a way? But then again, the “we bailed out all the millionaires / they’ve got the fruit / We’ve got the rind” doesn’t remind me of Roman.

all the good girls go to hell: “MY LUCIFER IS LOOONELYY”... sorry I love this song. Anyways, the lyrics really speak to Janus just because of the whole duality and Christian metaphors. Also, J is the side who would definitely “want the Devil on her team”. We love the whole duality motif. I just *chef’s kiss x3*.

Denial: OH MY GOSH THE SVS REDUX... J was denial. HE WAS DENIAL. “Just don’t shut your eyes closed / Not until I get it off my chest” is basically the blindfold metaphor that happened throughout SvS, so would this be the message he wants to send to Thomas and Patton... or maybe the entire light sides. “Have you turned a corner? / Do you think of leaving me behind?” Dark side acceptance arc? Also, “I know you’re looking for direction... I know where you wanna go / Oh I do, but do you?” is to Roman and Thomas for the callback because he knew they wanted to go “so bad.”

(click for more analysis and summary!)

Trust in Me: Of course, snek boi, I knew this could be something you’ll put in. But do we trust you? So this is his suave villainy song. This again shows how Bananaconda child operates; he wants Thomas to trust him and be selfish but excessively. That’s why balance is necessary for all of the sides!

Razzle Dazzle: *gasp* MUSICAL SONGS NOW? YASSS. Definition is “noisy, showy, and exciting activity and display designed to attract and impress,” so the whole facade of being fancy to hide the insecurities and “bad” parts. Sounds like someone we know (*cough* ROMAN *cough*). “What if your hinges all are rusting / What if, in fact, you’re just disgusting? / Razzle dazzle ‘em and they’ll never catch wise” is just a jab and a stab at Roman. Or maybe it’s him. He’s also the dramatic one. If so, we have angst arriving.

When the Chips are Down: HADESTOWN OH MY YES! STRINGS! AAAAA! Does Janus give me Fate vibes in a way? Yes, definitely. “Nobody’s righteous / Nobody’s proud / Nobody’s innocent / Now that the chips are down” Holy CRAPP. It’s the perfect response to Patton’s “Nobody’s perfect... except for Thomas, he loves his friends!” in SvS. Now that the “chips are down,” Thomas should take after himself... after all, the Fates were telling Eurydice to look after herself. Sounds like what Janus said to Thomas after the Redux.

Mandy Goes to Med School: Oh. Um. This sounds like the whole jazz/20′s theme. This song’s apparently about abortion? I’m kinda confused, so feel free to add on! But it’s quite the bop, just listening to it. Maybe the whole thought that society makes laws based on a false conception? Help.

I Put A Spell On You: Janus definitely goes to jazz clubs. “I can’t stand it ‘cause you put me down” and “I tell ya I ain’t lyin’” and “Because you’re mine” makes the whole villainesque feel. I don’t know where this was from, but this stands out to me just because it was on the “Friends on the Other Side Mashup”. 

Evil Night Together: Ominous, and then jazzy. Jay Dee’s flirting skills go to the max. This also gives the villain vibe by the lyrics referencing things that Remus would be fond about. Also, “Who’s gonna make you a hero” seems to be directed to Roman like he did in SvS. This is a very seductive song with really dark undertones about crime. Janus, that slimy snek boi is a lawful neutral to evil. 

Dont’ Tell Mama: Cabaret... a classic musical, eh? “Hush up, don’t tell mama / Shush up, don’t tell mama” goes to Janus’ power to silence people. “If you had a secret, you bet I would keep it / I would never tell on you...” Janus is definitely the one about lies and secrets, so that goes to that.

You’re a Cad: “What’s the point pretending that you could be a better man? / Just give in, since you always end up right back where you began” “You’re a rascal and a rogue, a villain and a crook” is the other sides viewing him, and “Still I tug at your line, I’m a fish on your hook” and “I should be better, but I’m worse” is hinting at some Janus angst. I think it’s going to be something about trust

As Far as I Can See: JANUS ANGST TRUCKING IN ON TO YA: “Nobody loves me / As far as I can tell.” Or even “Nobody’s listening as far as I can tell / And when I’m crying out / Nobody cries back for me.” Haha... I’m totally fine (*sobbing*). Also, the “we’re all going down / all down the staircase aboard” either hints at the Redux statement of pushing people off staircases... or maybe Virgil who went down the staircase and left the dark sides. Gosh, I thought this was gonna be a hype song by the beat, but I stand corrected.

Criminal: Oh, so the angst continues. Great. Totally great. This somehow links back to the bloopers of Thomas, as J, saying “I’m not bad; I’m just drawn that way.” This is peak sarcasm in a way, but I don’t really know. “I’ve done wrong and I wanna suffer for my sins / I’ve come to you cause I need guidance to be true / And I just don’t know where I can begin”... is this from Thomas to Janus or the other way? If it’s from Thomas, Janus is kinda mad and is using as much sass as he wants. If it’s from Janus, it’s either he’s lying or he genuinely wants a redemption arc like Virgil did... but in a not so righteous way with “And I need to be redeemed / To the one I’ve sinned against / Because he’s all I ever knew of love.” I don’t really know, but this is such a bop.

Change: “I’ve been thinking it’s just someone else’s job to care / Who am I to sympathize when no one gives a d-” and “” Wow. Janus has his similarities with Logan. He wants to be listened to the sides. I mean, there is a reason why he impersonates the light sides: to be listened without bias. “Change is a powerful thing / I feel it coming in me” foreshadows some good stuff with Janus! YES! Also, “Maybe by the time this song is done / I’ll be able / To be honest” and the rest of the lyrics just hit me like a truck? It hurts the soul in a way. Change is inevitable is the message, so would that mean Janus could have an upgrade? I mean, the change started when SvS Redux happened with him coming out and being accepted by the light sides, so maybe, maybe things will change from there in a good way.

Devil In The Details: “A house of cards / A supple heart / Is not a place to dwell”.... Patton? Oh no. “But know there’s no backing out / This is gonna be reality / You can never dream it out” is going to his reputation and relations with the sides and Thomas? He seemed to have hesitated to say his name and let his reputation down since that would change everything that he has known over the years. Would this mean the dark and light side thing will break in later episodes? Maybe. “I put the past into the ground / I saw the future as a cloud / If there’s still time to turn around / I’m going to” is a big oof. And then... “I am the first one I deceive / If I can make myself believe / The rest is easy” comes in. Is Janus lying to himself? He’s the manifestation of deceit, but is he also doing that to himself? Or it could be to Thomas. But then again...

Come Little Children: Spooky. Nice. This feels like a lullaby. “It must be this way / To weary of life and deceptions / Rest now my children...” and then “The time’s come to play / Here in my garden of shadows” make me think that Janus thinks that this life is quite... painful. I am not too sure about this, tell me what y’all think!

Into The Unknown: Oh it’s not that one. It’s the one from Over The Garden Wall (the animation if I remember it right). I don’t know why, but I saw Come Little Children and connected that to Into the Unknown as words, so that was cool. “Dancing in a swirl / Of golden memories / The loveliest lies / Of all” refers to nostalgia. This song is about nostalgia. Wait. OH WAIT. Patton’s room is all about that... so would that mean nostalgia is also part of Jay Dee too because of the mood around it that is distorted by emotions? That’s something really cool to think about. One more: “If dreams can’t come true / Then why not pretend?” I feel like this points to Virgil in a way because his dream is complete acceptance, but Janus knows V was a dark side, so maybe he’s hinting at Virgil pretending to compensate for the fact that he is a dark side.

Summary:

Janus’ aesthetic would be a 1920-40 vintage theme with jazz on the background, strings and piano used ominous effect, and being flashy and dramatic. He wants to be listened to the other sides, so he puts up different disguises (like to Pat and Lo), which includes his villain facade he put on for the past maybe 2 or 3 years. He strongly believes that society is built on lies, and like in SvS, he doesn’t want Thomas to be disadvantaged in the said society. He loves the whole duality and juxtapositions (I mean, his name is Janus for a good reason) because he embraces them both. He jabs at several sides for them faking themselves to hide their true feelings, but then again, he might also be lying to himself. He knows that change is inevitable after the whole name reveal, and we know that his acceptance arc is going to come. It could be about trust and facing the reality... just my thoughts. In other words, this playlist gave me a bunch of reasons on why Janus is a great morally gray character.

FEEL FREE TO ADD ON! I LOVE SHARING THOUGHTS! Especially with analysis, more people means more thoughts and new ideas and theories. Thank you! 

[jiksax]

14 & 23 please!

Writer's ask game x

14. What's the most research you've ever put into a fic?

God, I go down rabbit holes when it comes to research. I can waste hours on insane shit like understanding New York times best-sellers writer culture, working out how much a back alley blowjob costs in Chicago, the intricacies of Narcotics Anonymous meetings, or how to run an Elvis impersonator Las Vegas wedding chapel.

I did a lot more AUs in bandom, so worldbuilding and research featured much heavier there. In 1D/R1, the most labour-intensive bits are researching canon.

The most research-intensive fic I've ever done might be... "That Same Old Love," which is the first fic I ever started in 1D/R1. It started because I got to 1D in early 2017, and was desperately trying to catch up on the history of the fandom by reading primers and manifestos and watching everything on youtube. I ended up having to cut out SO MUCH DETAIL from the first draft, after I'd completely lost my head and tried to use ALL OF IT in one fic.

23. Single or multi POV, and why?

I'm generally partial to a single POV, because I like following a story through the lens of one person and the intimacy that comes with following one character's emotional journey. I especially like how you can play with letting the reader understand things that the character hasn't yet - and the other way around.

Like "You're A Universe" works because Louis fails to understand a lot of things that the reader, and the other characters in the fic, understand much before he does. It makes the fic feel really hopeless and claustrophobic at times, and at points I think Louis nearly convinces the reader that things truly are broken and unfixable - before we understand that we're seeing it the story through the lens of someone's depression, and that the depiction of events is couloured by the intensity of his experience.

I've only ever done a couple of POV shifts, mostly most notably where I've needed multiple entry points into the story.

In "There Now, Steady Love" Nick and Louis are terrified and tentative and careful with each other, and so much of the story is told in internal monologue and fretting and body language. They say surprisingly little to each other throughout the fic; there's a lot of looking and lingering and looking away. I like the sense of fragility it gives the fic - the two of them so terrified and still so brave and so gentle with each other.

In "Old Scars/Future Hearts," we follow two recovering addicts on their individual journeys of recovery. Frank and Gerard both bring their own scars into the story, scars they at times hide from each other and the reader. They also navigate different parts of the NA community they share, and have access to different parts of the world and to different characters. There are all these side stories unfolding on the sidelines, which unfold through snippets of each main character's POV. There are things hidden from the reader, things hidden from the other characters, and I love the complex interplay of POV and character that it creates.

Whew! Thanks so much for the ask, this was fun :)

Hit me up, I love a ramble.

[melnchly-a]

@abrazimir​ asked : Was lothiriel aware of the imminence of gondor's destruction? Did she know they wouldn't win this war and that she may be dead or enslaved before she was thirty? Did she contend with her own death, come to terms with it? Did she engage in the youthful rebellion culture of her similarly doomed peers? If she wasn't aware, how did she feel later on knowing her family was viewing her as a girl who would soon be a victim of the horror they were trying to keep at bay?

erran, you ask me so many good questions. and you get so much rambling in response. i am so sorry.

i think we have to start not with lothiriel’s thoughts on the imminence of gondor’s destruction, what might happen after, etc, but with imrahil’s. because, as is usually the case, i think whatever she does have a concept of regarding all of this comes from her father’s actions/philosophies, whether spoken or unspoken. and i am absolutely grasping at straws here, but there are a couple of things i found interesting in the debate chapter before they ride for the gates. imrahil says to gandalf:  “Then you would have us retreat to Minas Tirith or Dol Amroth,or to Dunharrow and sit like children on sand-castles when the tide is flowing?” to which gandalf replies: “Have you not done this and little more in all the days of Denethor?” which i think is a little unfair to imrahil, all things considered, but also kind of telling. because the fact is (and this is my own opinion here more than anything else) i don’t think imrahil would have left dol amroth if there was no hope of gondor surviving. there would have to have been some hope in him for victory or else no hope at all, and the latter isn’t ever a read i’ve ever gotten from him. further on, he says (about minas tirith, but again...i’m extrapolating some from this): “I would not have us return with victory to a city and ruins and a land ravaged behind us.” leaving dol amroth, he must have thought either that a.) he would not be returning and there would be nothing/no one to return to, b.) he would be returning in victory to a city held safe by those he left behind. 

so i think lothiriel sees her father’s hope, sees his actions (leaving dol amroth to fight for gondor’s survival) in this light. she sees him, the swan knights, the other men, leaving from dol amroth with singing and music, and though i think she knows there’s a very great risk that everything could come crashing down, i don’t think she ever fully believes it.  (i also just don’t think it’s in her character to think that way? i don’t think her mind would look at something like the threat of mordor and think “well that’s definitely it, destruction is imminent.” i don’t think her mind works like that.) 

it should also be noted that, yes, i do think lothiriel was sheltered from a lot of the worst of the news, particularly in the gradually darkening years leading up to the ring quest/the war. she was VERY young in that time-frame, she’s STILL very young when her father rides off to minas tirith. but she’s not entirely naive, and she’s too smart to remain entirely in the dark about the truth of the situation.

AND there’s the fact that dol amroth is canonically noted at some point to have been rather more sheltered from the darkness as a whole. it’s so far south, the sea offers some degree of protection, etc. i don’t tend to imagine the area as a whole having the same dark view of the future or hopelessness of the threat as other areas understandably would. not, it should be noted, that i think they’re all skipping about blithely oblivious, just that i don’t necessarily agree with there being much of a cultural facet in dol amroth specifically surrounding how dark and hopeless everything is.  (though i will take a moment to note here that it’s my own personal headcanon that lothiriel’s mother may very well have had some fast-acting poison on hand in case capture/torture were imminent, something i think she absolutely would have kept secret from lothiriel unless/until the time came to use it - - which thankfully does not happen.) 

so yes, i do think she knows it’s dark, there’s a very real threat, that something terrible could happen to her family, to dol amroth, to her, but i don’t see the mindset you mentioned in your questions really being true of her or her family. (potentially one or some number of her brothers, but imrahil in particular strikes me as hopeful, if not optimistic.) 

as far as coming to terms with her own death, i think that’s a yes and no question. yes in that her father leaving to fight really does drive home the severity of what they’re facing, that she has to do the remainder of her growing up very quickly, and part of that does include realizing there’s a very real possibility that she might die before she sees her next birthday. and i think she comes to terms with that insofar as the rest of what i’ve said makes her able to. i don’t think she truly believes that’s going to be her fate or the fate of dol amroth, but she knows it’s a real possibility. she has to confront death much more directly in those moments than she would have had to since she received news of boromir’s death (which is where i think a lot of her realizing her own mortality/coming to terms with it comes from, moreso than the threat of mordor as a whole.) 

when it comes to the way her family views her and how much was kept from her, i think it does trouble her to a certain degree, but i also think she appreciates it. i think she knows there wasn’t much she could have done with that knowledge in that point in time (due to her youth, even her social position as imrahil’s youngest child), and she makes peace with it. 

she makes peace with it and i think she knows it gives her her own kind of strength and grace and difference in the world that follows. she isn’t untouched by the war, but it never hardened her in even the slightest bit. there’s still a lot of innocence and hope, gentleness, laughter, etc, in her that’s different insofar as it wasn’t ever touched by years of doubt or fear or fighting. it means she’s not oblivious to the impact of war, to what that fear felt like, to the reasons the people she spends time with feel and react to things the way they do. but it also offers her ways to comfort and care for them that others don’t have. 

ASK ME HEADCANON QUESTIONS : ALWAYS ACCEPTING

[darth-el]

Sadie Hawkins

Pairing: Robin x Reader Warnings: No real warnings, maybe secondhand embarrassment A/N: This was requested and I related to this one so much because I am a useless sapphic. Thank you for the request and I really hope you enjoy it. Feedback is always welcomed. 

Masterlist

You never understood the point of the Sadie Hawkins dance. Your go to line was always “gee thanks for making it socially acceptable to ask the guys.” when someone bought it up to you. However this was senior year and you decided to make the most of the cliched school activities, from football and basketball games to going to dances and parties. Despite your angry at the world exterior you did feel like you missed out slightly over the years and now was the time to really enjoy those things, although you always said it was ironically. The dance was right around the corner and you had no idea who you were going to ask, you weren't really interested in any of the guys and you were sure none of the girls would have been interested in going with you.

“You have to ask someone.” Nancy ordered as you got your books out the locker for the next lesson.

“But who?” You asked scoping the halls for someone you might have found mildly attractive and interesting. The truth was you spent years with all these people and you were never attracted to them and you were sure the attraction wasn't going to start now.

“What about Ben, I hear he isn't going with anyone.” Nancy smiled as she danced in front of you.

“You mean Ben who's breathing I can from the other side of the class and want to suffocate?” You retorted rolling your eyes.

“Not Ben then,” Nancy held her hands up clutching her books precariously with her fingers. “What about Clark?” She said as he walked past and hearing his name got his attention.

“Did you want something?” He asked pointing at himself wondering what was going on.

“No, sorry,” You smiled at him and carried on walking to class.

“Why not?” Nancy whined slightly her shoulders slumped in defeat.

“I can't decide if he's a wannabe gangster or a wannabe member of the rat pack.” You sighed as you let yourself into the class. This description made Nancy laugh.

“Either way he's a good dresser.” Nancy joked trying to push you into asking him.

“It's not going to happen Nance.” You shot a look at her hoping she would give up. You spent the class trying to figure out who ask. You scanned the class while chewing your pencil wanting there was a glimmer of hope, but there wasn't. All the girls were straight and all the boys were gross. It was getting to the point where you were tempted to turn up with a cardboard cut out of David Bowie or someone like that because it hopeless. You'd probably have more fun with the cardboard cut out anyway.

“Did you think of anyone?” Nancy whispered as you were working.

“Yes,” You answered flatly which got her all excited in her seat. “Jim Morrison.” You said sarcastically and she instantly lost all her enthusiasm and let her head drop to the desk. She let a small groan of frustration.

“You're hopeless.” She sighed head still resting on the table.

“It's alright for you, you've got Jonathan going with you.” You shrugged looking at her.

“You sound like Jonathan though,” She laughed lifting her head up to see if she missed anything new.

“Maybe you should go with me instead?” You joked looking back at the board.

“I would have if Jonathan wasn't coming specially for it.” Nancy sighed as she started to work again.

“Men ruin everything.” You said dramatically rolling your eyes and continuing your work.

The days passed and you were no closer to getting a date. Nancy had even given up trying to fix you up with someone which is when you knew it was starting to get desperate. You had agreed to go shopping for dresses with Nancy. You were hoping it was going to be fun as you enjoyed shopping and since the Starcourt disaster loads of local shops started popping up again which had better stuff than what the mall had because they knew there could be competition in the near future again.

You perused the racks of puffy dresses which made you feel a bit nauseous as you were trying to look for something less puffy.

“Can I help you?” An eager shop assistant asked as she bounded over.

“Do you have anything less puffy?” You smiled at her and she took you over to a rack of dresses which you somehow missed and pulled out a few dresses you might have liked. There was a baby pink swing dress that caught your eye. It was satin and had a sweetheart/Bardot neckline.

“Can I try this one on?” You asked the shop assistant nodded and showed you to the dressing room. You showed the Nancy the dress who clapped happily and waited for you to reveal what the dress looked like on. You made bit of a show when you revealed it to Nancy.

“It's perfect,” Nancy squealed happily. “You have the dress, and now we have to work on the date.” She reminded you which made you let out a groan as you walked heavily into the changing room to get changed. Nancy found her dress and it was purple and you weren't sure of the fabric, but there was a lot of puffy tulle and flower details to the skirt which moved dramatically as she spun around.

“What do you think?” She asked noticing your eyes were wide taking in the puffiness.

“It really suits you,” You said sounding shocked, you had no idea how but she made the puffiness look good. “You look really good.” You grinned still in shock. Nancy was happy to hear that and you both bought your dresses which were a little bit more expensive than anticipated, but they were worth it.

The next day at school you were falling asleep in class as you didn't sleep well the night before due to the stress of the dance. You were convinced this was ultimately why you never actually went to them when you felt something hit the back of your head. You turned around and saw Robin smile at you. You were a bit confused by this and waited for her to say something, but nothing happened and you went back to whatever you were thinking about.

You were packing up your books when Robin came over to you, usually she was full of energy but there was something different about her.

“Sorry about earlier,” Robin sounded shy which was highly unusual for her.

“No worries.” You smiled at her reassuringly.

“I wanted to ask you something,” Robin paused and took a deep breath. “Actually don't worry.” Robin was looking a little flushed and ran off. When Robin was out of your sight she started cursing at herself.

“What was that about?” Nancy asked and looked just as confused as you felt.

“I have no idea.” You said slowly trying to wrap your head around what just happened.

The rest of the day involved Robin trying to get your attention and then asking silly questions about the class or not saying anything at all.

“Is Robin acting really weird to you?” You asked Nancy as you walked to your car when school had finished.

“A bit.” Nancy laughed as she waited for you to unlock the car. You both had your weekly girls night planned which had been tradition for as long as you could remember, but it went a bit downhill after she started dating Steve, then it never really picked up again until after Jonathan had moved away.

The night included manicures, makeovers and films with your celebrity crushes in. The phone rang in the middle of you rating your crushes' films and you picked it up but no one was there so you hung the phone up.

“Who was that?” Nancy asked as she painted her toenails with Nightmare on Elm Street playing in the background.

“No idea.” You stated as you sat down on the bed and started painting your toenails a mint green colour. Your plan was to paint black and white polka dots on top of the green colour while drooling over Johnny Depp. You kinda wished you could have taken him to the dance.

“Hey Y/N,” You heard Robin's voice approach as she walked over to you at a faster than usual pace.

“Are you okay Robin?” You asked slightly concerned as her behaviour was starting to worry you.

“Yeah I'm fine, I wanted to ask you something,” She paused and avoided eye contact. She scrunched up her nose while she was trying to think. “Did you do Moore's assignment?” She finally said trying to feign confidence.

“Not yet, why?” You asked furrowing your brows wondering what was going on.

“It's a really difficult one,” She said in a weird voice slapping her thigh. Your eyes darted around the room trying to figure out if you were being pranked.

“It is,” You were unsure what was happening. “I've got to get to class.” You said slowly as you walked away you heard her mutter something “just ask her you useless sapphic.”

“Do you want to go to the Sadie Hawkins dance with me?” She blurted out loudly making you stop and turn on your heel. Your mouth slightly agape. “Nope, okay then.” She quickly said retreating into herself and ready to make a break for it.

“I didn't say no,” You answered instantly trying to process what has happened and it went completely over your head that she was trying to ask you to the dance over the past few days, but this gave her a confidence boost. “I'll go with you.” Your smile was big. She started rambling about how you could go as friends and the importance of friendship.

“I was kinda hoping to go with you as a date.” You teased making her smile just as big as yours once she realised what you said. She jumped over to you and gave you a massive hug and you both started to make plans for the dance.

[thegempage]

for the top 5 ask game: top 5 friendsim routes (and why :eyes but fast as i initiate infodump: )!!

JKFDASJKLFS OH BLESS

i got this question right before i went to work and i was thinking about it the entire time

so i’m gonna do a list and then all of the why under the cut bcus I Talk Many lmao

the list!! and tbh these aren’t in any particular order bcus choosing favorites is hard enough lmao (and tbh i have several runner ups), but the five routes that i hold very close to my heart are:

Skylla

Tyzias

Daraya

Wanshi

Bronya

and as for why, (i hope this readmore works? i’m on my computer so)

(and hey if you want to know my wider friendsim opinions go watch my hiveswap friendsim let’s play “Let’s Play Hiveswap Friendsim (For The Third Time)” which i can’t link bcus idk if tumblr doesn’t like links but should show up if you type that into youtube ajkflads it’s v funny and i tell lots of good jokes)

1. Skylla

okay so admittedly my initial thought is just “i think she’s neat” jfkdlsafjkl

but in a genuine way, skylla is the first older troll you meet, and one of the few with something resembling an actual job, and i think there’s something really special about that! she’s very down to earth (alternia, technically) and she takes you in without even questioning why the fuck you’re out there just bcus she doesn’t want you to burn up!!

and then!! she kicks like?? a dozen asses??? bcus she cares about ladyy and her lusus so much??? like they have lasers and shit and she just kicks their ass bcus she can’t let them win

she’s also a cowgirl and that’s cool as hell

2. Tyzias

honestly, if you don’t love tyzias you can just leave /jk

jfdaklsdfslk but actually, i love how much she’s trying. she knows alternia is deep in its own shit, she knows that it might just be too much for one person to take on, she knows what the consequences are for getting caught, but she’s still trying!! bcus she looked at the world and instead of accepting the bullshit like so many people (mallek) do she went “actually no, why is no one doing anything about that?” and she starts trying to do something about it. and even trying to get other people to help! 

as an outside observer, it’s kind of the first act of a tragedy, bcus obv most people playing friendsim have read homestuck, you know what alternia looked like in its last throes of troll occupation, you know that, at least in the timeline of homestuck proper, that tyzias is just one in a long line of people who tried. but those people also went down in history, even if that history was almost scrubbed over fuschia. i’d like to think somewhere on alternia, maybe in secret corners of teal bookhives or in the care of a jade cloister, someone wrote about her. i want to give tyzias a hug

3. Daraya

see: my point about wanting to give her a hug jkfldsajfkdsa

she’s just! she’s just so tired! and she reminds me a lot of when i was a teen, lost in the idea that there was no such thing as a fulfilling future, bcus everyone around you tells you what’s expected of you and everything they say seems like a tragedy not worth living to see. the sensation of living in apathy bcus facing the hurt and lonely despair is too much to handle when you’re a teenager trying to get by in the world. the idea that maybe if you dress up and put on a face everyone will just leave you alone and you can find your own comforts before ultimately preparing to leave the future everyone planned for you behind in the pursuit of something else that may very well be worse for you but gives you a sense of control back

and then!!! and then she opens up to you!!! bcus you can be someone who listens to her and understands that hopelessness and says “hey, i think i can give you a sense of the control that you’re searching for” and finds her someone her own age who can help her take control of at least some part of her life and maybe, if they're lucky, even give some other jade in the future more freedom than daraya could even imagine

(and tbh if i said i’d never, in my worst years, debated burning a building down with. intentions. i’d be lying)

4. Wanshi

wwwaaannnsssshhhiiiiiii

tbh! kind of similar to daraya!! i see a lot of my younger self in wanshi, right down to the warrior cats rp and the sensation of knowing that many of the people in your life are lying to you if only bcus they think you don’t realize what they’re doing and chasing a sense of community through fanfic and cons bcus the people in your mandatory social circle aren’t willing to engage you at a level that actually makes you happy or even at all. even some of her face with death and having to come to terms with things the adults in your life wouldn’t necessarily think were appropriate for your age simply bcus of the way life takes you (granted, i was a little older than she is when i started doing con + online stuff, but you get the idea)

and just like, her route? it’s 1. fantastic 2. it’s one of the only times the reader is like... nurturing, toward one of the younger trolls, if that makes sense? they go into the entire route with wanshi’s safety and happiness in mind, and when the former has to take precedence over the latter they still try to make her happy to soften the blow, specifically by inviting her to set the rules of engagement so that it’s actually something she enjoys! and in the bad ending you literally. you know. die for her. and that's not something you get with the other younger trolls? like, amisia can both take care of herself and naturally takes command of the situation, and tirona i mostly just feel bad for more than anything, and the twins... a lot happens vis a vis the twins. karako i Also want to take care of but that’s mostly bcus he’s v small and you don’t take care of him the same way you do for wanshi in her route

5. Bronya

look............ i love bronya jkfldsaf

she’s also just!! she’s trying!! and she’s trying her best!! and it’s in a different way from tyzias but it’s just as aahhhhhh. she wants to help, in her own way, and she’s probably scoured every book, file, and teal at some point to make sure her grubs and her jades are safe! she’s not even the oldest jade in their cloister, she just wants them all to be okay and make it home and learn the ways of their role so that they don’t get culled (and aren’t jackasses, considering how she talks to lanque in his route, but his route is <_<). and tbh considering the amount of shit they give her for it, she seems to allow the other jades to sneak out more than you’d expect considering her personality in her + elwurd’s routes lmao

and the fact that she runs the nursery just has me ;u; every time i think about it. like, she’s not required and probably not even supposed to do that, and she even mentions that she does it knowing that some of the grubs may still get sick or die during their trials, but it means so much to her that they get a second chance that she’s willing to make a not-technically-illegal nursery to give them that chance bcus who else? who else will? i’d like to think that nursery was still there, was maybe even an idea that stretched across alternia, all the way to the end.

and wow uh!!! that was long jfklda these are a little more about why i like the character, but i think that’s just bcus their routes play such a big part in that!!

my runner-ups, if you were wondering, were karako, stelsa, polypa, and boldir’s lol. i also like marsti as a character but her route gives me too much second-hand embarrassment jfdklasf

thank you so much, my friend!! i hope whoever reads this likes my extremely long ramble jfkldsafkl