#r&j i’m sorry bitches are so fucking dumb oh my god

[rudestmechanical]

losing the idgaf war just saw a tiktok of someone pulling the whole ‘pov juliet had one actual friend’ and it’s them going ‘girl how long have you known this guy be so fucking for real rn’ and juliet listening,,,, THAT IS AN ACTIVE PLOT POINT. THE NURSE ACTIVELY RAISES THAT POINT. THE NURSE ACTIVELY TELLS JULIET TO MOVE THE FUCK ON AFTER HES BANISHED. IF YOU READ THE FUCKING THING YOUD KNOW THAT.

[violetjedisylveon]

Incorrect Kaesoka quotes cause they're funny

Kaeden, at Ahsoka's Funeral: I need a moment with her. Other rebels: of course.*they leave* Kaeden, leaning over Ahsoka's coffin: okay, listen here you little shit, I know you're not dead Ahsoka: yeah, no shit.

. . .

*Ahsoka falls over* Kaeden: Ahsoka! Are you alright? Ahsoka: Is that you, God? Kaeden: What? Ahsoka: It's just, you sound a lot more like Kaeden than I expected.

. . .

Ahsoka: Caffeine no longer keeps me awake while I work, so instead I have Kaeden periodically send me texts saying ‘we need to talk.’ Ahsoka: It gives me the right amount of adrenaline and fear I need to keep going.

Ahsoka: Do you want to know your gay name? Kaeden: My... my gay name? Ahsoka: Yeah, it's your first name- Kaeden: Haha. Very funny Ahsoka- Ahsoka: *gets down on one knee* And my last name. Kaeden: Oh- oh my god.

. . .

Ahsoka: Did you know you remind me of all 26 letters of the alphabet? Kaeden: What? Like J F K W S Q X- Ahsoka: No, like, U R A Q T. Kaeden: Awwww!

. . .

Kaeden: Okay, I’m going to get the wedding cake. Ahsoka: Perfect, while you do that I’ll check on the ring bear. Kaeden: ... Kaeden: You mean ring bearER, right? Ahsoka: ... Kaeden: Look me in the eyes and tell me you are not going to bring a dangerous wild animal to our wedding. (Not part of quote: Ahsoka gave an Akul buddy the ring bearer duty I decided)

. . .

Kaeden: I’ve been dropping them the most insanely obvious hints for like a year now. No response. Ahsoka: Wow. They sound stupid.Kaeden: But they’re not. They’re really smart actually. Just dense. Ahsoka: Maybe you need to be more obvious? Like, I don’t know… “Hey! I love you!” Kaeden: I guess you’re right. Hey Ahsoka, I love you. Ahsoka: See! Just say that! Kaeden: Holy fucking shit. Ahsoka: If that flies over their head then, sorry Kaeden, but they're too dumb for you. Kaeden: Ahsoka.

. . .

Kaeden: Hey, Ahsoka, what do you think it would be like if we had kids? Ahsoka: What would it be like? Inconvenient, mostly. Kaeden: No, I mean, what would they be like, the kids? You ever think about it? Ahsoka: Can't really say I have. Kaeden: You know, for someone as eccentric as yourself, you can be boring as fuck sometimes. Ahsoka: Sorry, Kaeden. For what it's worth, I'm picturing them now. A boy and a girl. Two perfect little freaks of nature raised by people who've clearly got no business bringin' up anybody.

. . .

Ahsoka: Being gay is a constant battle between "I wish to sit on a window bench with my lover, our legs tangling as we listen to the birds" and "Hey, let's go throw rocks at Storm troopers" and I think that's very sexy of us. Kaeden: If the window's open and you time it right, you can do both.

. . .

Kaeden: We’re getting married, bitches! Ahsoka: And we're about to make it everybody else's problem. (Not part of quote: i wrote a short fic that was basically this quote last year, hehe, it's funny)

. . .

Kaeden: My future partner must be brave, strong, intelligent, successful and organized. Ahsoka: *steps on a caterpillar and proceeds to drop to their knees and sob while apologizing profusely* Kaeden: That one. I want that one.

. . .

*about the darth Vader Anakin connection* Ahsoka: I think I just figured something out. I got to go. Kaeden: Aren't you forgetting something? Ahsoka: Uuh...*hesitantly kisses Kaeden's forehead before running out.* Kaeden: No, pay your bill! Damn, who raised you?

. . .

Miara: I know you love them. Kaeden: I am not in love with Ahsoka! Miara, staring at Kaeden: I never said who... Kaeden: *realizes* Kaeden: Shit. Well, anyways-

. . .

Kaeden, holding a rock: Ahsoka just gave this to me and said "I feel like you deserve the moon but all I can give you is a rock". Miara: If you don't marry her, I will.

. . .

Miara: Do you mind if I slyly mention that you’re single? Ahsoka: Do not do that. Miara: You won’t even notice! Kaeden, entering: Mira, you wanted to see me again? Miara: Ahsoka's single Ahsoka:

. . .

Miara: I dare you to kiss the next person who walks into this room. Kaeden: Screw that, I’m not kissing any of you. *Ahsoka walks in* Kaeden: Fine, I’ll do it. Rules are rules you know.

. . .

Kaeden: Hi. Miara: Hey, did you do what I said? Did you tell her? Kaeden: I did. Miara: And what did she say? Kaeden: “Thank you.” Miara: You’re totally welcome. What’d she say? Kaeden: she said, “Thank you.” I said “I love you” and Ahsoka said, “Thank you.”

. . .

Ahsoka: Someone take me to art museums and make out with me. Kaeden: But they said not to touch the masterpieces. Ahsoka: Well somebody's got to pin the artwork to the wall. Miara, on a walkie talkie: This is Miara, those idiots are fucking around in the East wing again.

. . .

Ahsoka: Due to personal reasons, I will be fucking sinking to the bottom of the ocean in a large metal box. Miara: Did Kaeden say 'I love you' and you said 'Thanks'? Ahsoka: THE REASONS ARE PERSONAL–

This was fun! I'm doing more tomorrow, nobody can stop me!

[guqin-and-flute]

The Soup Incident [Episode 22]

Random Jin Guy: hey u know ur sister

WWX: everyone's mom? best person in the world? beset by terminal heterosexuality? rings a bell

LWJ: i'm sure this is more important than a war

Random Jin Guy: something happened with j

WWX: [overrunning other line] I MUST GO MY MEDDLING IS REQUIRED

Random Nie Guy: oop there he go

LWJ: wow this sounds serious

WWX: what horrors will i find what trauma will this compound what cruelty will i be met with also how did i know exactly where to go

WWX: OH. YOU.

JZX: gross

JYL: oh an audience perfect i'm sure this will de-escalate things

WWX: can we solve this with castration? tell me we can

JYL: no thanks i'd still like the option if it's all the same to u

WWX: it's not let me remove his body parts

JZX: like i'd let u near me u classless hellion

JYL: listen life hasn't been like the greatest lately had a lot of shitty carriage rides i'd like things to chill out and by things i mean namely u in this moment can we go now pls i have an appointment to cry into my pillow that i'm missing

WWX: omg noooo i'll behave i'm here to support u i'll be impartial

JYL: i don't believe that for a single second tho hun

WWX: impartial to how mUCH BLOOD I'M GONNA GET EVERYWHERE HOW IS IT  EVERY TIME I SEE UR STUPID FACE I HATE U MORE fuck u u piece o shit

JYL: and there it is

JZX: [angry sleeve flap of disdainful eloquence]

WWX: wtf

JYL: yeah he's good at those

JYL: honey ur not helping urself here he beat the shit out of u BEFORE he marinated in dark energy for 3 months pls use ur words and ur brain

WWX: WAT DID UR SLEEVE SAY TO ME BITCH

JYL: can we just go pls i like to not be reminded of exactly how much stupid i willingly allow into my life

WWX: but shijie M U R D E R

JYL: inexplicably i still want to marry him so no thank u

JZX: oh look mianmian's here

MM: u fuckin bet i am u dipshit

WWX: wtaf is wrong with him

MM: ok listen LISTEN i know i feel u trust me

JZX: time to return to the arrogance corner

WWX: UR YOUNG MASTER'S A BITCH

JYL: a-xian  n o

MM: no he totally is u right

JYL: well then he's MY bitch :(

MM: why do i bother to stay up late to practice conversations with u if u don't bother to try all that time wasted am i supposed to cover for u now?

JZX: bold of u to assume u can but go for it still don't know why tf ur all here just wanna eat my soup

WWX: HEY I HAVE A FUN GAME IT'S CALLED HOW MUCH OF CHENQING CAN WE FIT INTO JIN ZIXUAN quick someone pick an orifice

JYL: gross

MM: tempting

LWJ: oh hey i'm here now i walk slow oh shit the nice jiang is crying who would hurt the nice jiang?

MM: ok so u know how ur sister makes soup?

JYL: i never really stop it's a little pathological at this point maybe i should talk to someone...

LWJ: oh more heterosexual antics wei ying's achilles heel best wait outside thank god Xichen is mostly functional and gay as the day is long

MM: so she makes soup right? 2 goes to you chuckleheads and the third goes to emporer perpetual foot-in-mouth over here

JZX: [buffering]

MM: jfc why do i even try

WWX: DID HE INSULT UR  S O U P ?!

JYL: sorta i am soup and soup is me

MM: so anyway

JZX: [overrunning previous line] HOLD UP I THOUGHT RANDOM SERVANT NUMBER 62 BROUGHT ME THE SOUP THAT'S NATIVE TO YUNGMENG WHERE MY EX-FIANCE GREW UP

WWX: ur in love with an idiot

JYL: i'm in love with an idiot

MM: I STG UR HEAD IS FILLED WITH JUST HAIRBALLS AND LINT HOW ARE U STILL BREATHING

MM: SHE MAKES SOUP. SHE'S THE SOUP LADY. ASK PEOPLE WHAT THEY THINK OF  WHEN U SAY YANLI AND THEY'LL SAY KINDNESS. A N D  S O U P . and her murder-brothers but that's not the point rn

JZX: ...u made me soup

MM: i'm so fucking sorry pls marry him i need a competent woman to hang around with i'm getting dumber by the day

WWX: seriously this guy u love this guy?

JYL: xianxian pls romantic idiocy runs in our family it's practically traditional

JYL: i mean...yes i have 2 coping mechanisms; soup and crying neither of them are working rn tho help i don't unlock righteous fury until level 25

JZX: wow she made me soup

WWX: of course she made u soup  u human inner-thigh chafe show us the flashback mianmian

MM: [off screen] oh yeah that roll the tape jeeves

[ENTER FLASHBACK]

JYL: i made u soup bb

JZX: ur not servant number 62 go fuck urself

JYL: wut

[END FLASHBACK]

WWX: NO FURTHER QUESTIONS UR HONOR

Random Jin Guy Who Brought Wuxian: perhaps this was a [cursive writing] Mistake™

JZX: ouchie i can twirly fight countless puppets can't dodge a punch of the life of me cultivation jesus that's gonna leave a mark

JYL: GOD I WISH THIS WAS MORE CATHARTIC how does this always happen? who raised this kid? oh right me

Group of Random Jin Guards: we are all well intentioned but ultimately expendable extras fear us

Random Jin Guard: UNHAND HIM FIEND

WWX: cool imma write u a song it's called Don't Care Didn't Ask Gonna Kill Everyone In This Tent Over Soup in b flat tootly toot here comes the murder flute

Random Jin Guards attacked by resentful energy: [keyboard smash]

LWJ: wait hold on that's his shit starting music has shit been started?? wEi YiNg

WWX: are u prepared for the journey i'm about to send u on little man

JZX: i'm actually good here thanks

[unintelligible teenage screaming]

MM: HEY LISTEN U CAN'T DO THAT MURDER IS BAD and i still like him i sympathize but like...u can't

WWX: the semi corporeal black smoke demons that sublet my soul tell me that it's fine sooo

JYL: a-xian if u kill him now i will have put up with so much bs for n o t h i n g

LWJ: take a deep breath us ur words what in the actual hell is going on

WWX: fuck u ur not my therapist

LWJ: u do not have a therapist never has someone so clearly NOT had a therapist except maybe jiang cheng

WWX: SOUP MURDER IS GOING ON

LWJ: wut

JYL: pls understand it's just as dumb as you think

LWJ: ... i refuse to let soup related crimes of passion be something my future husband is known for u stop that

WWX: THEN I'M LEAVING

LWJ: wow

JYL: we're both in love with idiots

JZX: am i still gonna keep getting soup?

[this is a thing i do sometimes so if you would like to see more...]

Scene suggested by @nagisachan1​!! (I’m so sorry I forgot to tag/credit you when I posted this!)

[luminous-shifting-vibes]

*sequel* to actual fucking quotes from the shiftblr coffeehouse discord server

once again, it's out of context because x1000 funnier

also x1000 longer than previous post

"ur satan is gnc af"

"Bestie I’m already having gender envy over a fucking demon please"

"O_O ODEPIJHFbavevisdpvfhzdcnjawedsidjksjdkoeirjfmkdsoeirujdksodifjndmksoidfjdksidfj ITS" NOT IN MY FRAFTS IS SPEDNT 1 hour PN THAT SHIT"

"AUGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH"

"ohoho sexy"

"I am very proud of myself"

"himbo x edgy fuck"

"YOU COULD SQUISH HES CHEECKS"

"he has teefs"

"SQUASH"

"good for biting 📷"

"he's a himbo basically"

"B͂̒̄iͫ̍̈tͧ̓ͯè̄̇"

"bifth"

"i havent watched blue exorcist in years but mr okumura my beloved </3"

"MY LIFE QUESTIONS HAVE BEEN ANSWERED"

"is it important information to mention that the person i put up for my turn is the son of satan" "I know like 1 thing about everyone who isnt ranboo lmfao"

"crimes"

"tumblr sexyman"

"idk why but my first thought was cowboy onceler"

"I vibe with him but he is very long and twisty"

"steampunk e-girl"

"steampunk tumblr sexyman"

"Canonically bi crimelord I agree!!"

"OOO FRIEND SHAPED"

"ARTIST SIGHTED"

"they look like someone i would want to be friends with but is way cooler than me so i'd never actually talk to them"

"babby..... would die for him"

"honestly i probably kin him"

"i'm sure he's lovely but he looks way too much like my ex i'm sorry-"

"i'd be down for another rotation! i have another twink to show y'all"

"Also :00 blonde friend"

"Let us all infodhmo"

"Hsjagdvbs shhh im on phone"

"Nix woukd you like to joon?

"skitters away"

"I have two braincells and they both drink dumb bitch juice"

"oof wait whats the order again i have 0 memory"

"i want to bond with him over cosplay-"

"Awkwardly watches in band kid"

"One day I'm gonna a broadway star"

"which isnt to say they were bad. they were just fortnite dancing during rehersals"

"I threw it so hard my glasses flew off and slid under the stage right divider"

"anyway heres my boi"

"emo"

"haha emo"

"virgil sanders kinnie"

"he looks like he listens to my chemical panic at the fallout boy"

"Bro I bet he'd kick my ass with his deck"

"bird man my beloved"

"fuck i had so much to say and then i forgot it all"

"Birds!!"

"guiguhuh"

"crabrave"

"She sounds like someone I would end up stealing her personality"

"yess name collector gang"

"alias glass aiden haven absinthe fish brick rice"

"But I have Cypress, Remure, Genesis, Lemres, and Comet"

"And she's named after a mars candy bar bc alien"

"Hey, if plato went by plato, you can be king thief"

"im not dissing my gramma like that shfojd"

"My dad has seven legal names" "bitches be like *looks at fictional character* *steals their name* it's us we're bithces"

"coraline lowkey traumatized me but i adore it regardless"

"mmmmmm magic man :]"

"°0° green man"

"criminal (affectionate)"

"he would shoplift a candy bar from walmart and then brag to all of his friends about the sick stealing he did"

"despite the fact he's canonically been capable of overpowering a minor deity"

"i would commit so many crimes for him"

"Very babey"

"Yes please tell green man he is very pog"

"he also keeps a lot of dumb secrets"

"but I will sorely miss the chaos and energy of this here chat until I wake again" (by request XD)

"i just say words and if they're funny then they're funny"

"* or extremly chaotic either works"

"at this point we are just taking turns rambling"

"oH--"

"bc my brain has a schedule"

"Hopefully they have gyoza there or I will lose my mind"

"hehe yes spooky man"

"my ghost glucose guardian"

"the head of the undead group that lives there, and we end up dating. (yes I date a ghost, no I will not be taking constructive criticism /lh)"

"ghosts r just inherently sexy"

"i mean im becoming a squid thing so"

"Raven quirk raven quirk!!"

"ł â m p"

"łæmp"

"mothman: ooh lamp you look very nice today! do you come here often? mothman: wait shit no"

"I'd date a ghost"

"mine is still accurate, i am still sobbing (/j)"

"p e e p e e"

""@nick wilde is a tumblr sexyman" is the best thing i have ever seen"

"im sorry im cackling like a dying hyena"

"you're all 12 year olds"

"PEENIE"

"He once caused global warming on accident so he could get a tan"

"god, what a himbo. i love him"

"that reminds me of my friends kin assigned me jesus"

"Man outside of battle be like: princely crying but then in battle hes like: "CATACLYSM! DISASTER! DEVASTATION!" Chill out man"

"Every time I talk about satan it never fails to shock people it's my favorite thing to do"

"im kin assigning him roman sanders" ""Oh yeah he caused global warming because he wanted to get girls" "he what""

"oh damn i forgot satan was straight"

"twink appreciation club"

"give us the twinks"

"my first thought was bottom-"

"so many people to try and get his dad to love him"

"daddy issued"

"OH MY GOD ITS WILBUR"

"Big boy but"

"anyways janus is swagggg"

"........................."

"gib twink"

"give twink then i will share"

"holds him gentle like hamburger"

"This dumb bitch opened a book that said "do not open" and got possessed by a little bastard"

"he is. fragile creachur"

"klug is beauty klug is grace i would let him step on my face"

"If I'm playing swap and I have to hear one more "Pwanet Powew" Im gonna lose it"

"Who is to blame? Pandora or the box?"

"Bakugo isnt my type but I respect the drip"

"i say like my type isnt long-haired pretty boys and girls that look so gnc that people have a history of confusing them for men"

"hes a gremlin and i can appreciate a pretty gremlin"

"that is to say i am attracted to VFlower vocaloid. This is a confession."

"note i am a lesbian"

"You may like Schezo wegey"

"why does he have one single expression"

"soul soul eater passes the vibe check"

"magic wand"

"I Want To Hold His Hand"

"i would commit a war crime for him any war crime idc which one"

"my favorite one is when he sounded rlly gay because he said "Muscular bodies keep me satisfied""

"p e a n u t"

"Klug is a homophobic homosexual its just facts"

"grug from the croods is peak male performance"

"jaw drops to floor, eyes pop out of sockets accompanied by trumpets, heart beats out of chest, awooga awooga sound effect, pulls chain on train whistle that has appeared next to head as steam blows out, slams fists on table, rattling any plates, bowls or silverware, whistles loudly, fireworks shoot from top of head, pants loudly as tongue hangs out of mouth, wipes comically large bead of sweat from forehead, clears throat, straightens tie, combs hair Ahem, you look very lovely."

"tag yourself im the fireworks shooting from the top of the head"

"i like essays"

"central time gang"

"11:11 pog-" (wait... is that a suprise angel number?? yes it is lovelies just for you <3)

"Then again im also a dumbass bitch who wonders what the souls in soul eater taste like. SERIOUSLY THOUGH. THEY LOOK TASTY AS HELL!!!! LIKE GODDAMN BRO YOU'RE MAKING ME FUCKING HUNGRY. Like. that shit- it's Bone Apple motherfucking Teeth. hell yea my guy. Im hongy now.... shlorp I'm seriously considering this. Like. They seem kinda like a liquid? But a solid? Are they like jello? The fuck they taste like my guy???? I keep imagining they're like sour, like sour candy maybe? Or do they taste salty? Sweet? Maybe some combo of two? Do they even have a taste or is it about the texture? The sensation? God my mouth is watering what the hell. I am starving. I think I need to go get a cookie. I'm gonna go get a cookie. Brb. I'm better. I'm still craving souls though. Which is a weird-ass cringey thing to say but I'm being dead-ass rn. They just.... look tasty???? And I wanna eat one. Thus. I am shifting to Soul Eater for the express purpose of satisfying my fucking cravings. enjoy"

"points were made"

"jello? more like helloooo schloooAHFJDSDAIDWNALDHSJKDAIDANDM"

"WAIT I THINK I HAVE AN ANIME GIRL BITING VIDEO TOO"

"anime girl voice: mmm! mm... ahhhhmp!! mmm, mmm... aaahmp!"

"i think it sounds great i'm going to start eating like that"

"several people are typing"

"do these look edible to you"

"forbidden gummies"

"when I was on lsd I couldn't eat my fruit gummies because I thought they were alive because they had little faces on them"

"oh shit yeah don't do drugs"

"anyways general consensus is puyos are edible, ty for your input everyone"

"everypony is a word so powerful it can bring nations to its knees"

"pls the self control it's taking me not to say "hewwo everypony" in gen chat when someone new joins-"

"hewwo evewrypony uwu deaw cewestia i hopwe it doewsnt wain owo"

"ive cooked up a sowution wiwth the knowwege ive acwued. they say a kitcwen time saves niwne, but im just savwing two. Ive gathewwed the inwedients to make a time sowbet. Thewe's hawdly woom fow seconds when the seconds mewt away."

"I had a ten year old sister... you know what happened to her??? very sad, very tragic... she turned eleven....."

"NIIICE"

"Guts dont say the secks word :( /j"

"watch your fucking language in front of the president"

"im so sorry lumi"

"i think you're like ehhhh 8/10 funny"

"now me???? 10/10. Hilarious"

"sometimes i have to take a step back and remember that this is the same guts i follow on tumblr /lh"

""ok every here's some good shifting advice!!! uwu have a good day" "yeah i did lsd and ate fruit gummies""

"i have one setting and it's whatever this is"

"my bitch ass cat just pushed the door open with his fuzzy face and now my sleeping dad is being lulled into dreams by Cosmo Sheldrake's 'Pliocine'."

"me on discord: nick wilde"

"me on tumblr: shifting water! haha funne! me on here: my hermit crabs are cannibals also i want to eat souls."

"im sorry yOUR VIBESA RE JUST SO DIFFERNT"

"u give off older cousin ive never spoken to but always admire at the family gatherings vibes"

"what the fuck"

"BC I HAVE LIBERTU"

"If you adopt me then yes"

"am I qualified for dad jokes???"

"we're all a lot smarter on tumblr"

"I'm like "awww... sweet... sweet little shiftlings... posting such sweet shiftling content... so pure, so wholesome... does not even know abcs....""

"can't think before you speak if you never think B)"

"I'm not responsible enough to be a mom"

"cat pet"

"show us pictures of the cat or i will do Crime"

"maybe thats me being a coward tho"

"MOTH!!!! MOTH MY BELOVED"

if y'all want I can make this a series bc shiftblr keeps giving me more content

[fenth-eiria]

Incorrect quotes : Sifan family edition

Fenth: I am in charge of this disaster!

Eiria: I have a name, you know.

Eiria: *Answers phone.* Hello?

Fenth: It's Fenth.

Eiria: What did they do this time?

Fenth: No, it's me, Eiria. It's actually me.

Eiria: What did you do this time?

The Librarian: You disgust me.

Elder Cadia : *eating a kitkat sideways* I realize this and don’t care.

The Librarian: Elder Cadia , we tried things your way.

Elder Cadia : No, we didn't.

The Librarian: I did it in my head and it didn't work.

Elder Cadia : Damn, the power went out.

The Librarian: Don’t worry, I got this.

The Librarian: *shakes rapidly and starts to light up*

Elder Cadia : What-?

The Librarian: I swallowed a glow stick!

Elder Cadia , on the verge of tears: WHY WOULD YOU-

The Librarian: Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism.

Elder Cadia : How so?

The Librarian: It keeps you from screwing up for 8 hours.

The Librarian: Elder Cadia likes to say ‘you can be part of the problem or part of the solution,’ but I happen to believe you can be both.

The Librarian: I’m quick at math.

Elder Cadia : Ok, what’s 38 times 76?

The Librarian: 24.

Elder Cadia : That wasn’t even close.

The Librarian: But it was quick.

Elder Cadia : I left instructions for everyone while I'm gone.

The Librarian: Mine just says "The Librarian no."

Elder Cadia : I want you to apply it to every possible situation.

The Librarian: Can you keep a secret?

Elder Cadia : Well, I'm good until I meet the next person.

Eiria: I could kill you if I wanted.

Onica: Yeah? So could any other human being. So could a dog. So could a dedicated duck. You aren't special.

Onica: What? I'm not aggressive!

Eiria: Last Tuesday, you wacked me with a pair of crocs and stole my chocolate chips?

Onica: Survival of the fittest, bitch.

Kidnapper: We have your child

Eiria: I don’t have a child?

Kidnapper: Then who just asked for warm milk and made us cut the crusts off their sandwich?

Eiria: Oh god, you have my sister..

Eiria: You remind me of the ocean.

Onica: Because I'm deep and mysterious?

Eiria: No, because you're full of salt and you scare people.

Elder Cadia: Just be yourself. Say something nice.

Fenth: Which one? I can't do both.

Fenth: You know you've made it when you see your picture everywhere you go.

Elder Cadia : Those are wanted posters!

Fenth: Ayo, what the FUCK is this?!?

Elder Cadia , sitting down, surrounded by corpses: I won Mafia, that’s what.

Fenth: You want some leftovers?

Dot: What are those?

Fenth: You've never had leftovers before?

Dot: No, ‘cause I’m not a quitter.

Dot: *Kicks the door open, looking panicked*

Fenth: What did you do?!

Dot: NOBODY DIED!

Fenth: WHAT KIND OF ANSWER IS THAT?!

Dot: I can never give Fenth shit because I’m jealous of them. They look at their life and say, “Sweet! This is perfect!”

Dot: I look at my life and say, “Welp. Time to get drunk.”

Dot: *walking around disappointed after visiting an aquarium*

Fenth: , what did you think a tiger shark was?

Eiria: So... what would you do if you were in bed with me?

Fenth: Depends. Is your bed comfortable?

Eiria: Yes.

Fenth: I'd sleep.

Eiria: When I was young, I left a trail of broken hearts like a rockstar. I'm not proud of it.

Fenth: You're kind of proud of it. You work it into a lot of conversations.

Eiria: Ugh, crushes are so dumb.

Fenth: I know. Whenever I’m near the person I like I just start acting stupid.

Eiria: But you’re always acting stupid?

Fenth: ...

Fenth: Yeah, don’t think about that too hard.

The Librarian: Come to dinner tonight. I can’t cook, but I’ll bring plenty of free wine.

Elder Cadia : Marry me.

The Librarian: I still have no idea how I’m attracted to you...

Elder Cadia : Yeah, well, you’re stuck with me, and no take backs, honey.

Elder Cadia : Are you an F5 key? Because that ass is refreashing.

The Librarian: Are you a software update? because not right now.

Elder Cadia : Fuck you.

The Librarian: No u.

Elder Cadia : I'm down.

The Librarian: You're like 2, what the fuck-

Elder Cadia : I AM NOT 2!

The Librarian: Is something burning?

Elder Cadia , leaning seductively on the counter: Just my desire for you.

The Librarian: Elder Cadia , the toaster is literally on fire.

The Librarian: Are you sure Elder Cadia 's even gay? They barely even looked at me.

Elder Cadia : This date is boring!

The Librarian: This isnt a date. I said I was going to the store.

Elder Cadia : Then why did you invite me?

The Librarian: I didnt, I specifically said "dont come with me" then you said " fuck you The Librarian I'll do whatever I want!

Elder Cadia : Go fuck yourself.

The Librarian, smugly: Sure, but only if you watch

Elder Cadia : Can I have 2 straws with that milkshake?

The Librarian: Aww-

Elder Cadia : With 2 straws, I can drink it double as fast!

The Librarian: Bro, I had a dream we fucked.

Elder Cadia : Bro, relax it was just a dream.

The Librarian: Huh, gay, I wouldn’t fuck you.

Elder Cadia : You wouldn’t?

The Librarian: I mean, unless you want to-

Elder Cadia : Are you ready to commit?

The Librarian: Like, a crime or a relationship?

The Librarian: Hey, I’m getting in the shower. Wanna help me out?

Elder Cadia : ...Have you never taken a shower before?

The Librarian: Ugh, crushes are so dumb.

Elder Cadia : I know. Whenever I’m near the person I like I just start acting stupid.

The Librarian: But you’re always acting stupid?

Elder Cadia : ...

Elder Cadia : Yeah, don’t think about that too hard.

The Librarian: Valentine’s day is just a consumerist holiday that holds no real value other than drive people insane buying heart shaped chocolates for their significant others and pos-

Elder Cadia : I wrote you a poem.

The Librarian, already crying: You did?

The Librarian: Are we fighting or flirting?

Elder Cadia : I'm pinning you against a wall with my hand around your neck-

The Librarian: Your point?

Elder Cadia : Did you know you remind me of all 26 letters of the alphabet?

The Librarian: What? Like J F K W S Q X-

Elder Cadia : No, like, U R A Q T.

The Librarian: Awwww!

The Librarian: I think I just figured something out. I got to go.

Elder Cadia : Aren't you forgetting something?

The Librarian: Uuh...*hesitantly kisses Elder Cadia 's forehead before running out.*

Elder Cadia : No, pay your bill! Damn, who raised you?

The Librarian: Relationships should be 50/50. Elder Cadia cooks us dinner while I sit on the kitchen counter looking pretty.

Elder Cadia : I like your new pants!

The Librarian: Thanks, they were 50% off!

Elder Cadia : I’d like them better if they were 100% off. *winks*

The Librarian: The store can’t just give away clothes for free.

Elder Cadia : Thats’s… not what I meant.

The Librarian: That’s a terrible way to run a business, Elder Cadia .

Elder Cadia : Know why I called you in here?

The Librarian: Because I accidentally sent you a dick pic.

Elder Cadia : *Stops pouring two glasses of wine.* Accidentally?

Elder Cadia : I’m in love with you.

The Librarian: We called off the prank war last night at midnight, dork.

Elder Cadia : I know.

The Librarian: Ah. Okay. Um. Cool. Neat. Very cool. Cool. Cool. Coolcoolcool-

The Librarian: We have a problem.

Elder Cadia : No, YOU have a problem. I have an idiot who keeps making them.

Elder Cadia : Did it hurt when you fell-

The Librarian: From heaven? Wow, I didn’t think you were such a flirt-

Elder Cadia : No, I meant when you fell down the stairs.

The Librarian: ...

Elder Cadia : You just laid there for 15 minutes.

The Librarian: *angrily presses Elder Cadia against a wall* WHERE'S THE MONEY?!

Elder Cadia : ...

Elder Cadia : Are we about to kiss-

Elder Cadia : Look, last night was a mistake.

The Librarian: A sexy mistake.

Elder Cadia : No, just a regular mistake.

Elder Cadia : I love you.

The Librarian, not paying attention: What was that?

Elder Cadia : I said I’m selling you to the zOo-

Elder Cadia : I love you.

The Librarian, not paying attention: What was that?

Elder Cadia : I said I’m selling you to the zOo-

The Librarian: I don't need to go to bed. I'm not tired, I'll be fine.

Elder Cadia : But, darling, I'll be so lonely without you. Come curl up in my arms so I can feel whole again.

The Librarian: O-oh. Well. Are you trying to seduce me into healthy sleeping patterns??

Elder Cadia : Is it working?

Elder Cadia : Let’s watch Sharkboy and Lavagirl.

The Librarian: Okay.

Elder Cadia : And make out during the scary parts.

The Librarian: Th-

The Librarian: The scary parts.

The Librarian: Of Sharkboy and Lavagirl.

The Librarian: So... what would you do if you were in bed with me?

Elder Cadia : Depends. Is your bed comfortable?

The Librarian: Yes.

Elder Cadia : I'd sleep.

*The Librarian and Elder Cadia are in Paris.*

The Librarian: I'm...moved. I...I don't know what it is I'm feeling right now. I feel...destiny?

Elder Cadia : But...

The Librarian: I don't know what it is. I feel like... I just never thought I'd see it with my own two eyes. And here it is. It's just there. It's right in front of me, and...

Elder Cadia : This is what you wanted to see? The bridge from Inception?

The Librarian: Yeah.

Elder Cadia : But the Eiffel Tower is behind us, babe.

The Librarian: Yeah, but this is the bridge FROM INCEPTION.

Elder Cadia : Okay, alright.

The Librarian: Wow, Elder Cadia , you want to hold my hand before marriage? How awfully lewd of you.

Elder Cadia : We literally slept together yesterday.

The Librarian: That's NOTHING compared to the lewdness of holding hands.

Elder Cadia : Sorry I’m late, I was doing things.

The Librarian: Hi, I’m ‘things’.

[hitchell-mope]

Just put on the movie

And there we go. The dedication is there.

Oh god the rapping.

My palms will be bloody by the time this is over.

But I like the parallels to the first movie

To much auto tune

There goes my heart Disney.

Oh lord that’s high

Bbys. Smee twins

WHY WASNT DIZZY THERE FROM FILM TWO

There’s my child Celia

MY BOY!!!!

I mean Mal has a point.

He thinks it through

I love him so fucking much

Loving Doug’s hair

Rat bastard. Rat bitch. Rat fairy (Adam belle Verna)

Fuck off leah chad Audrey

😍😍😍😍. This version is better then d1

SUCK IT PASTEL COW

YAAAAAAAAAAAAAY

Oh Evie love. Just tell him you love him

FUCK OFF YOU GERIATRIC BITCH

YES WE WOULD PREFER MAL TO YOU YA BITCH

I hate you Adam and belle

Ben and the other three are adorable family

Still hating Audrey. So. Fucking. Much

Love the purple limo

WHY IS TREMAINE NICE. IT MAKES NO SENSE

Bal parent vibes are strong

They shoulda painted the limo roof purple

Dying of cuteness

Proud fiancé Mal. Love it

Fuck off leah

Here’s papa hades. And the ham.

DRAGON MAL. WHOO HOO

Ah well. Nice while it lasted

NOT HER JOB PASTEL COW

So. Much. Ham.

Poor girl. Ouch.

🤮🤮🤮🤮. I still hate her and her geriatric bitch of a grandmother

Oh bitch please. First words out of your mouth were creel. And it ain’t abated

I’m supposed to be sorry for this sad act? I don’t think so

So. Much. Rapping

Oh. SPARE ME WOMAN

Still theft. Throw her on the isle with her grandmother

Lonely and friendless. Because Mal is so much better then you ya limp noodle

Gotta be bad on the back

YOU DESERVE A SLAP AROUND THE FACE YOU SPOILED BRAT

Seriously though. The actual singing is better then the rapping. So gotta give satah her dues

Fuck off grown ups.

YOU PUT THEN THERE IN THE FIRST FUCKING PLACD

Blue bitch. Just like always belle

Ok. People. You can see it’s hurting bal to do this. KILL THE BEAST

DONT CRY BABY BOY. PLEASE. LAST TIME ALMOST KILLED ME

Murder. The fucking. Parents

Evie. Evie’s sensible. Listen to your sister Mal.

And here comes the guilt. Like always. The narrative blames Mal

That darn cake

Ah. Pain. Hug them now

And jump scare

Oh god. Shut up Audrey. You’re a sore loser

Eh. The prosthesis look ok

Audrey. Nutter. Ben was more then ready to start the honeymoon when Mal was a dragon. Do you really think a hag would stop him?

😂😂😂😂

Oh boy

That’s a lie and you know it bluey.

At least the bikes have an explanation

Why the red for Evie though

And the mutt speaks

Fuck off Chad. I hate you so much

This bitch again

So shrieky.

Kiss ass

Real original

Jump Jane jump!

So many neck cricks

No one tells him anything

Cella’s right Mal

Overly long gag. But cute

Awww 🥰🥰🥰🥰. At least he’s a good dad

Nice reference

And the fear mongering begins.

And here’s the cryptid. He shoulda died in it’s going down

Psycho bitch pirate whore

Cella’s a troll and I love it

The vehicle needs an oil change

At least he’s sleeping. Though that position can not be comfortable

At long last the reveal.

He’s funny. And hot. (I can see where @mochacake2016 is coming from)

We know! We know

And here’s the music

😂😂😂😂.

He’s got a point

Ok.

THERES NO PHONES ON THE ISLAND QUEEN MAL

She actually sounds like jade west here

So far. Besides the proposal. This is my favourite song. Mostly for Hades great looks. Great voice

And the tambourine

Would be better with purple and blue fire effects. But no. We can’t have nice things. They spent the budget on pirate whores make up

She’s got a point. They both do

LISTEN TO HIM

Proud papa

C’mon girl. Cry

Of course she told her sister

He’s a good king.

T-shirt should be ripped.

🤮🤮🤮🤮. Hate her so much

And. Here. We. Go.

Benny. I love you. But did you not hear what she said to Evie when you first met the vks. Of course not. You were lost in Mal’s eyes.

Oh god. PLEASE SOMEBODY GO AND MELT HER

Whore man is probably skunk drunk. Gil’s cute as ever though

Throw hook in the water. And keep it there.

🎶she’s back🎶

And there screwed

He makes feel physically sick

Uma. I love ya. But honestly. Mal owes no one anything. It’s not her job.

No it ain’t

Jay’s got a point

Oh honey

Hook. In the words of the irreverent Captain Jack Sparrow “if the bikes be crashed properly. You be crashed along with it”. Not you Gil. I like you

Mother hen strikes again. Uma ain’t buying what she’s selling

Pure child Celia. (I don’t use this very much but) Gil’s babey (it feels wrong to type£

Chicken arms. No brains. No wit. No dance skills. No rapping skills. Ya basically a walking corpse hook

The dogs giving me a nervous twitch.

I hate the pair of them so no. No sympathy for prince douche bag

Gil makes me cry so simply

Stab the pirate jay. Please. For all of us

Psycho bitch

I want. It. Dead. Brutally. Dead

And more music. If this weren’t Disney they coulda melted them yo pukes of goo and pour it down Harry’s throat.

Oh god

So she can’t count either. Just like her brother

Definitely cha cha slide.

Deep sigh

So much ham.

Here’s a funny idea. How about instead of a bloody pantomime. ACTUALLY FUCKING FIGHT YOU FECKERS

Synchronised armour dancing. That’s new

Oh for fuck sake

Ha ha. Save it for the sob story bitch

What’s next a kick line

Thank god I was wrong.

Hook should be suffocated under the armour right now. Put us out of our misery

Care bear alert

I had to have a flu jab today. And it weren’t as painful as every single nanosecond hooks on screen

Love the platonic affection (I hate the very concept of malvie. What did you expect?)

Mother alert

Don’t eat wild fruit honey

So cute. But so dumb

Oh. Phineas and Ferb reference

Awww babies.

Don’t you dare tell me Mal doesn’t care.

THEY FOUND DOUG

Uma’s so done with care bear bs

More singing. Yay(!)

Please. Remind me again exactly why this is a DCOM. Cause it honestly does not feel like it what with the backstory pirate whores entire existence and the choreography

How has evie not broken a leg in this number.

Believe me Mal and Uma. I feel your frustration they go together like peanut butter and chocolate spread. (Perfectly if you didn’t know)

Where is she going?

She knows how R&J ended right? Double suicide. Why the romanticism huh?

HE IS NOT A RAG DOLL! Though props to Zachary for not corpsing

How can you hate Doug. He’s adorable. Best straight couple ever

There’s ma boy. Rip Harry’s throyatvout plwae.

Ben’s always been hot. But this is definitely working for me.

Awww. Carlos helping his papa

Wet Ben. Yum

Awww. Janelos cuteness.

Love the beard. So good. 🤤🤤🤤🤤

Someone murder the man whore before I do.

He makes me wanna throw up. And I’m not physically capable of doing that

@rpsocsandcanonohmy. I get where you’re coming from. But I also get where Ben is coming from. Sunbeam did get him abducted. And man slut tried to feed him to sharks. So I do understand both points. Doesn’t mean you’re wrong though

JUST. EXPLAIN. HIS MIND IS BEAST ADDLED

Shoulda let Ben slash hooks throat jay. You’re slipping buddy

Mal’s eating crow

Hopefully he chad suffocates. Then she’s have done one thing that wasn’t completely worthlessly reprehensible

🎶feelings🎶

And it had to ruin it

Te-am work. As plankton says

Proud sister

Boys are back. (With dude and the mutt in tow)

YAAAAAAAAAY

I hate happy harry. But I do like happy Uma. Eh. Double edged sword

BAL THIRST. FINALLY

Shoulda gone with Janelos. Jarlos is from big time rush

Oh they’re so cute

Poor Doug.

DOUG AND GIL FRIENDSHIP.

So. Update. Might be like Mal. (Definitely loving Ben’s facial hair)

Yawning over chad. So pathetic

Her seat from him douchey mcuseless

Poor Janey

Cats outta the bag

Once again. I kinda understand all points. Yeah Mal shouldn’t have lied. But Uma didn’t really give her and choice. And Evie just kinda assumed. And no one really lets her explain anything.

Hooks still pathetic. Even hurt emotionally I still wanna punch his roger rabbit looking face (Sorry Roger)

Oh dear

Mal. Don’t apologise. You did what you felt you needed to do. And no gives you a chance to explain. Ever.

Yes. You needed to do what you could.

Excellent acting all around as usual

Evie. Look. I love you. Your favourite number seven. But WHY IS IT YOUR SISTERS JOB. WHY DOES EVERYONE MAKE IT MALS PROBLEM

Ha! Evie said it. She said family.

Oh fuck. Taken for granite

More singing.

Monster/story/invincible

I do want to stab Harry in the mouth with the hook

More flashback. Yay(.). Couldn’t they fill out the runtime

Flashbacks. TO THE START OF THE SO G THE FLASHBACK IS FROM. OH FOR FUCK SAKES

More dragon.

Audrey’s performance might make me a vegetarian

How is it not crushed by the claws?

Fire should be green

Yay. Auds dead. Please say yes?

The twins say literally one thing

From magical incantation to vaguely irritating verbal tick. Well alright then

Evie. Why do you sound so sad. It’s a good thing Audrey’s dying. The ultimate price and all that. You should be glad. It’s a good thing

Mal: he’s my father. Ben: shocked face. Me: makes a sound like a boiling kettle

Bye bye facial hair

Die slut

More eating crow

The in laws meet

Exactly hades. Exactly. Knee beast in the dick

God Ben’s so hot.

Bite Adam’s throat out please hades

Should’ve let Audrey waste away. And sent granny to Tartarus to meet her

OH SPARE ME YOUR BLEEDING HEART ROUTINE! I still hate you in a fundamental level

OH FINALLY YOU GERIATRIC BITCH

Nice little family moment

What the fuck is Evie’s dress?

Queen Mal has a very nice ring to it.

Sure you can. You owe them noting. You owe nobody anything

Jay has a pull back braid in his hair. Yay!

“Audrey would be gone”. You say it as though that’s a bad thing

“Insert woody woodpecker laugh”. Fuck you Adam

Compromise. Bring the vks over. And plop Adam Audrey chad anleah on the isle. Sink it into the ocean

Why didn’t Verna bring the barrier down. Oh yeah. Cause then she’d be useful

More singing

At least this takes place in daylight

I still hate harry

Push Harry in the drink please. IM LITERALLY BEGGING YOU

God I love Ben and Doug

Why the Charleston?

I still hate tremaine

Well. Jane. In ZM. You met Mal. She’s Carlos’s mother in this au

Giljay. It’s cute

So Harry makes me ill right upbto the end. Now he’s related to purple and blue

🎶a bitch is in the dog house🎶. And deservedly so

🤮🤮🤮🤮

Sweet little king

Oh boy

Whore has a turkey neck

This is the end. Good movie. With some unneeded bits. I’m gonna change a lot in ZM part three. And both dedications broke me.

[the-coolest-mallard]

Like a Kickass Guy | ASC

Louie gets high at Mei’s party and texts Nemo and Tae.

@justkeepdancing-nemo​ @moon-yeongtae​

Louie: holy shit u guyyyyyy Louie: shit has been going dowwwwwwwwn. Or upside down? down and up really lol Louie: i may not have muscles n shit but guess WHAT I DID Tae: hulked out and killed someone? Louie: woah man no! Duuuuuude have u seen me? impossible Louie: i'm too cute to go to jail yet Louie: i mean EVER Louie: im too cute to go to jail EVER Louie: did a keg stand lol. sorta Tae: whoa nice Tae: how you feelin? Louie: a m a z i n g Louie: you won't BELIEVE how good i am Louie: i felt like IRON - no. i felt like CAPTAIN AMERICA. LIKE A KICK ASS Louie: GUY Tae: nice dude i'm glad ur having fun Tae: is mark there Louie: he was here somewhere. he asked me to come Louie: dunno where he went. maybe he's with johnny idk Louie: but who cares lol Louie: i'm great Louie: no more sads Tae: wow you're really drunk huh? Louie: nooooooooooooo Louie: haha I was gonna drink Louie: but then this weird girl showed up Louie: and now i'm super

Tae: but you said you did a keg stand Tae: that's like drinking isnt it? Louie: is it? i thought it was just a hand stand on a keg lol Louie: who knows? not me Tae: i mean i guess Tae: what weird girl Louie: idk blond. weird. she wanted me to CHEAT ON MARK WTF Louie: i mean she seriously helped me out but also Louie: wtf Louie: weird. so weird. but we went to the bathroom and she Louie: gave me t his stuff n i'm like Louie: wow i mean i can't stop talking Louie: i think I've said some seriously stupid shit Tae: wait Tae: what? Louie: what? i didn't tell you anything stupid did I? Louie: i don't think i did. thank god. imaigngi f i told u that Louie: lololol i'd die forever Tae: louie what are you taking about what stuff Louie: stuff? which stuff Louie: im not tellig Tae: what did she give you Louie: ohhhhhhhhhhh Louie: oh i can tell u that haha Louie: she called it all kinds of weird stuff like snow white or whatever which is bizarre af but whatever Louie: i like sniffed it and it felt super whack Tae: LOUIE WHAT THE FUCK Louie: and then it was like Louie: wow Louie: idk man i wanted to not feel sad and i feel good now Tae: holy shit what the fuck i cannot believe Tae: louie that was so dumb Louie: you're so dumb! Louie: no that's not true Louie: you're my faovriedgof person ever Tae: where the fuck is nemo why isn't he here to tell you how stupid that was where are you Tae: you're at mei's right Louie: yeh i crashed lol Louie: well no mark and johnny wanted to crash Louie: and since mark's been cool and let me stay at his place i was like Louie: well i should probs go Tae: yeah well THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD'VE FUCKING DONE COKE OR WHATEVER YOU DID jesus fuck Nemo: wait wtf did i just read Tae: yeah Tae: i have to go fucking get him Louie: why are you maddddd? im not bugging anyone! i'm having fun! Nemo: wait whats going on! Nemo: louie are you okay? Louie: i'm FINE Louie: i'm super Nemo: he did cocaine? Louie: super human Tae: he's at mei's party and he fucking YES Louie: you could say Louie: ughhh stop making this so big Tae: do you know how many kids my brother had to see in the hospital bc of drugs louie? Nemo: yeah that stuffs really bad Nemo: its human chemicals Nemo: do you feel okay? are you dizzy? Louie: do you know what else is bad? life. being sad. freddie mercury leaving too soon. presidents. earthquakes Nemo: louie D: Louie: tthe hunger games Tae: hey louie seriously how are you feeling like Tae: in your body Louie: that's a weird thing 2 akks dud Louie: im fine! Tae: okay but like Tae: if u close ur eyes and like idk try to feel what's happening like is your heart beating really fast? do you feel like puking? do you feel like you're moving? Louie: oh i mean yeah lol Louie: my heart is skipping faster n when i Louie: wait i gotta shut up shut up Nemo: tae yah is that bad? Nemo: would jun hyung know? Tae: i'm asking him right nwo Louie: so fussy you guys are fussy im gooood Nemo: louie just keep texting u ok Louie: look how good i am Louie: 

Nemo: very pretty Tae: yeah gorgeous how's your breathing Louie: wouldnt u like 2 kno Louie: how's your butt Louie: bet its still kicckable Tae: you have literally never kicked my ass at anything Tae: nemo does your appa know about this stuff? you probably shouldn't ask him huh? Louie: DON'T AOISFJPDOGN Nemo: its human drugs Nemo: so not really Louie: 4 THE LOV OF GOD Louie: that guy lredy probs haaaaaates me Nemo: his magic wouldnt work either i dont think Louie: im a toxin to freidn parnets Nemo: yeah if he ever finds out we woudl be banned from being in the same school i think he'd transfer me to that catholic place and appa hates catholicism Nemo: this is why you shouldnt do drugs louie :heart: dont yu wanna keep being my friend Louie: :cry: :cry: :cry: Louie: you're my best mate wgodidpsdggdfh Louie: you too tae Tae: wow rude Tae: oh okay Louie: wow Louie: dont be such a bitch tae Tae: well you started it when you did cocaine Louie: i used to think u were the coolest but maybe  im demoting u n promoing Louie: nemo Louie: nemo ur the new hottie Tae: the what Louie: what? Tae: louie i'm coming to get you Louie: whyyyyy the partys still partying Louie: ppl be FITIN Louie: man ud fit right in with your muscle bod Louie: well cept one fitghts girls Tae: where are you in the house Louie: idk the dance place. the life space Louie: where everyone is? Nemo: is jun going too? Nemo: aghaldkfjaskldfj Tae: yeah Louie: wait wait wait wait wait Nemo: ugh im sorry i cant be there Louie: where u going Nemo: louie im so sorry just keep texting us Louie: no Louie: i should dkslefadkad Tae: hey louie what's your favorite queen song Louie: skedlolde Louie: what? ohhhhh wow tough choice man i mean Louie: there are soooo many good SONGS Louie: lately i've been listening 2 somebody to love a lot cause i been dfpsogdpsjsd Louie: buuuuuut Tae: i like don't stop me now Louie: that's my OTHER FAVORITE Louie: man u vibe so well with me i hate it Louie: ha ha ha Louie: j k this is why we're bffs Nemo: hey queen was on the CD you gave me Nemo: ive been listening to it! Louie: reallyyyyy? did you like it? Louie: hey hey tae tae. taeeeeeeee. tae you should send a slefdie Louie: slefit Louie: sel fie Nemo: course! i love it Nemo: maybe i'll pick a song and choreo a dance for it Tae: you want a selfie? Louie: oooooo yes please nemo Louie: and def yes pls tae Louie: do smehthing cute Nemo [deleted]: ugh louiealkf Nemo: where's mark again? Nemo: im gonna text mark Louie: idkkkkkkk Tae: 

Louie: he went to do some stuff with johnny Louie: woahhhhhhhhh Louie: waogdisjdpsgjosg Louie: shit Tae: that's me coming to get ur dumb ass Louie: wait ur coming to get me? Louie: shit shit shit wait i gotta skedoled Louie: skedadled Tae: what? Louie: well much as i think ur great im ok Louie: also i thinkk hoooo shit Louie: gotta ifnd a window lol Tae: louie if you don't stay there i will fucking murder you Tae: i'm serious Louie: deth by tae or tdeth by uncle d when he fins out Louie: shit mn if i stay its a double featur Nemo: :/ Nemo: please louie, we're worried about you Nemo: we love you! we just want to make sure you're okay Tae: yeah Tae: you're gonna stay the night with me okay Louie: oh god Tae: it'll be great Louie: hahaahahahahahaha Louie: N E M O Louie: tell him why i suddenly Louie: sgosigdsgsdg Nemo: louie  i think you should Nemo: um drink water Louie: im good ill just find Louie: makr Louie: mark Nemo: that's also good please find mark Louie: n go to his place? Tae: what did i say Nemo: nothing he's on drugs Tae: i said stay put Louie: im really good thouuuugh Louie: n mark will look out for me Louie: marks nce Tae: well mark left u alone and you did cocaine so i mean not that that's his fault i'm just saying Nemo: ugh what if mark did cocaine Nemo: u dont think mark did cocaine did he Louie: dont blae me him 4 ME BEING ME Tae: DID MARK DO COCAINE Louie: honestly i dont dieossgodkh Louie: NO Tae: fuck Nemo: he might not have! we dont know Louie: i dont deesrve mrk naywayl ol Tae: nemo never do cocaine please Nemo: i cant see mark lee doing cocaine unless someone told him it was fun dip Louie: he n johnny were just doing fun stuff 2gether Tae: lmfao Nemo: id probably DIE if i did cocaine so dont worry ahha Nemo: big no no for fairies Louie: speaking of immenditd death Louie: we sure windows r no go Nemo: which is why u shouldnt do it solidarity c'mon louie Tae: if you aren't there when i get there i will be very upset Nemo: he will be Nemo: wont u louie Louie: im scared i dont want the lady 2 yell at me Louie: pls i wanna leave Tae: I'm almost there Louie: DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD= Louie: what if i hid in the bathroom Nemo: its gonna be okay louie :heart: Nemo: just um, sing a little queen Louie: no its not ill be ded 4ever n dragged home n stuck with my asshole fam n never escape n ded Nemo: you won't be dead you'll be safe Louie: shit someone said its the COPS Louie: im double triple dead Louie: n thats bullshit Louie: my fam isnt safe they suuuuuuuck Tae: WHERE ARE YOU Tae: fuck there are so many people Louie: trapped in the prison of xistance Louie: a house of horrs Louie: horors Tae: i'm serious louie i can't find you Louie: just make urself taller Louie: ill see you Tae: i'm gonna yell for you Louie: ok ok ok Nemo: ugh fksjf

[dreamerandcrazy]

After what happened in season 8, I think Jon is the worst thing ever happened to Dany. He destroyed everything she had even her confidence. He ignored her pain and loneliness. He didn't even make a toast to her for everything she sacrificed for the north and its racist bigots. FUCK JON SNOW. He didn't deserve Dany's love bc he didn't even try to tell her why he's avoiding her.

Aaaah, Jon Snow! *sighs dramatically* What a great character he was before d&d ruined him too.

To be fair, it’s not really Jon’s fault, but D&D’s bc of what they did to his character. I’m sorry, but s1-s7 jon? would never laugh with others while they credit him for something another person did as well. would never turn his back on someone that loves him before explaining to them why he’s acting or why he needs some space. would never be silent to the woman he loves saying “let it be fear” like she’s right and she’s not loved and she should fear him too. would never just take orders and repeats words like “she’s/you’re my queen” if he didn’t really believe things would work or if he thought something bad might happen. and he would never, EVER, just sit back and say “northerners don’t trust outsiders” and watch them discriminate people with a blank face.

And the worst is this all could’ve been solved with marriage. literally. not even in s8, back in s7! “oh, but daenerys doesn’t want to share her crown” BULLSHIT! She’s the one who fucking said “the best way to make alliances is with marriage” and that’s the mindset the left with when she left Meeren! make a goddamn alliance, that he would’ve kept his title as KITN and she could still be the queen of the seven kingdoms. he would’ve brought to the north a secured alliance with a powerful army and then name sansa the hand of the king, or smth.

And when the reveal of R+L=J came, he and Dany would already be wed. let their marriage fall apart a bit, where they’re conflicted, Dany about whether she wants the throne more or she wants Jon, and Jon if he should want her at all even though he does. Have Dany find out she’s pregnant and them being even more conflicted, bc they’re still on the middle of a war and their unborn child is at risk. Make Dany wonder if the throne is worth the risk at all. Make them dethrone Cersei (and for God’s sake, give her an epic death, she’d blow that throne to dust before giving it to someone else. That’s who Cersei really was, the badass bitch we loved to hate) and make Dany realize the only way to break the wheel is by its root and burn that ugly ass chair. Have Jon and Dany live the rest of their lives away from Westeros, or the kingdom, having to live with the casualties of the war, and hoping their child never has to know the same fate they did. have them slowly rebuild their marriage, learning that it’s okay to love each other even if it’s not 100% right.

Jon Snow’s s1-s7? Worthy every single bit of Dany’s love and no one can change my mind. But I can only defend what they did to the characters so far, and s8 was my limit, honestly.

EDIT: I would just also like to add that Jon is not as dumb and as one-dimensional as they had him be in s8, and I will die before I let that be how I remember my bby boy jonathan snow.

[dorkylittleweirdo]

the Sister Scoop from camp part 10

so there were only 4 assistants today instead of the usual 12 bc 14-17 year olds went to a different part of the lake, but we finished set up over half an hour earlier than we usually do, and the 4 of us alone had everything cleaned up and put away in less than 20 minutes and the instructors were like “holy fuck what are the other assistants doing everyday” and we’re like “idk”

~

me and J gave our kids Life Advice bc most of them are about to start high school

~

J fucking pulled an all nighter and was dead and i was like “bruh don’t do that if you’re not used to it” and he;s like “OH AND YOU ARE” and i’m like “YEAH WHAT DO YOU THINK I DO EVERY OTHER NIGHT” and he’s shook

~

me and E spilled tea about that bitch S. she got suspended til at least monday bc she THOUGHT she was DATING one of my 14 year olds (my kids are 12-13 but he’s an exception bc he just turned 14 like last week) and she’s almost 18 so????? she got in trouble bc she was being a jealous bitch, kid had to “break up” with her, told his mom, mom got mad, complained to our boss. lots of stuff happened but point is, almost a 4 year age difference and she’s almost an adult, like 2 months away, so she’s In Trouble

~

my 12-13 year olds asked if me and S have beef and i was like “lmao uh yeah a little, why?” and they’re like “she kept talking shit about you when you became our assistant” and i was like yeah of course she did and they asked if she said anything else and i’m like “ye she told me i’m too soft with y’all and that y’all were gonna hate me and i need to be tougher or you guys won’t respect me but eh, i haven’t changed anything bc i wanna say what i do works” and they’re like “yeah we like you waaaay more than S, you’re cool and let us do stuff” so i was Very Happy

~

we were kayaking and i was with 2 of my boys and i was in the middle and the one behind me goes “oh my god eW JC’s tOuChiNg mE aaaaahhh i’m gonna get your fUnGuS” and i’m like “oh damn what fungus do i have” and he’s like “uhhhhhh butt,, cheese. fungus” and i’m wheezing and so’s the other boy we’re like “oh shit man that sucks”

~

i was kinda Big Sad a little bit this morning bc Depression and T and R were there and they’re my Homies and T was like “y’all good?” and i’m like “ye” and he’s like “ok cool, how are you really doing” and i was like “um. i’m just tired” and he’s like “*squint* ok...” so then a while later R saw me looking Depressed bc ya know. the Depression. and he signed at me if i was ok and i kinda nodded and gave him a lil smile and signed back that i was fine. so he Did Not Believe That and walked over and sat like,, in front of me but to the side bc i was up against the wall kinda under the table right next to the door so there was literally no way for anyone to sit next to me lmao. so he’s like “can i hug you or are you not ok with that?” and i was like “i mean you can but why lmao” so he just kinda,, hugged me and was like “i don’t really think you’re doing super great and you looked like you needed a hug” and i’m like “my dude. my guy. i always need a hug lmao” so long story short now i can sign ‘hug’ at him or he can sign it at me and i get an Affection. also T was lowkey anger bc i didn’t tell him The Real Tea lmao

~

R also tried to high five me, like he ran up to me and held out his hand and i flinched then when i didn’t get Hit i just looked at him kinda confused and he was like “high,, five??” and i was like “o H” then high fived him. so then later he was like “why do you like,, get scared when people go to high five you?? you always do that i’m kinda confused?” so i had to be like “yeah so i was,, abused by my friend from 6th-9th grade and it’s jsut an automatic response to anyone raising their hand at me now” and i spilled all the tea and he just sat there listening and i was like “sorry that’s kinda dumb and stuff” and he was like “what no it’s not” and i got Hug so i mean-

~

my kids like me more than that bitch S and that’s literally all that matters

[mycasandstarrs]

SPN 4x14: “Sex and Violence”

What a tiny foreshadowing moment there. with the meat tenderizer.

It makes me incredibly nervous to hear a person talk in that aggressive tone.

Jesus, dude. Just go to the birthday party.

I would leave the house after that.

RIP Vicki.

Sleeping Dean! It‘s nice to see that he’s under the sheets, sometimes he just sleeps on top of them.

Sam having secret phone calls with Ruby. Boy is he dumb, he could’ve easily taken that outside.

But also,, why not work with Dean to find Lilith??? (I know, I know: psychic powers, demon blood drinking, but also...wouldn’t it matter to Dean to find her? Wouldn’t he at least try to find a way to kill her? Would that be too repetitive of S3? Idek.)

He didn’t even close the door. Sam....

“Want me to paint you a picture?” Does the picture include lies and deceit?

Posing as general attorneys.

Huh, so he was aware that their relationship was a good one and that he loved his wife...(Jumping forward to the end of the episode, does that mean that had either Sam or Dean killed the other, they would have snapped out of it and realized what they had done?)

“Her name was Jasmine.”

“She was a stripper?”

“Dude, her name was Jasmine.” This was another instance of me and Dean saying the exact thing at the same time on my first viewing.

I really like the focus on the eyes.

Uh, it’s “muerto” Dean, but good effort.

Dr. Cara Roberts.

Agent Stiles.

(Cara is really pretty, and she’s got a pleasant voice.)

...did she get an ex-boyfriend’s name tattooed on her? Girl, why?

Agent Murdock, but “Agent” is too formal. Call him Dean.

r e j e c t e d.

OOOoooohhh look at that flirting.

(x)

Huh, so John used their college funds on ammo; one of the perps used their kids’ college fund for the strip bar.

How they described their sirens: “Perfect, and everything they wanted.”

Oh my god, Dean. Don’t get too excited.

“Jasmine, Aurora, and Ariel.” The Disney princess shout out. My childhood just took a bit of a blow.

Huh, Dean is doing his job.

“I stay out of their hair, they stay out of what little I have left.”

MOTE: siren

Special shout out to Dean who knows/has read “The Odyssey.”

(x)

“Let me guess, ‘Welcome to the Jungle.’ No, no. Warrant’s ‘Cherry Pie’”. I’m personally a “Pour Some Sugar On Me” kind of gal.

“Their song is more of a metaphor.”

“If you were a siren in ‘09 looking to ruin a bunch of morons, where would you set up shop?” A strip bar. Very clever.

“So whatever floats the guy’s boat, that’s what they look like?”

“Yeah, you see, sirens can read minds. They see what you want most and then they can kinda, like, cloak themselves.” Oohh, you don’t freaking say.

The Siren was right freaking there.

“Hey, Belle.”

So for Lenny, he wanted someone who admired his love and dedication to his mother?

OH GOD THEIR TRUE FACES ARE HORRIBLE.

(x)

Well, she’s direct about her wanting to kill his mom.

RIP Lenny’s mom. That is truly terrible.

Dean just angrily staring at Sam’s phone, then decides to confirm his worst thought: Sam’s been talking to Ruby behind his back.

Dean shows a lot of restraint; he doesn’t even sound the tiniest bit angry when talking to Sam. I’m impressed.

Bobby, my man!

“A bronze dagger covered in the blood of a sailor under the spell of the song.”

That’s kinda obvious guys...

“Supernatural STD.”

Cara only addressed Sam, but not Dean. That’s rude.

Dean gets a taste of the “third wheel” game.

Convenient freaking timing, bud.

Nick Munroe.

Our first look into how Bobby handles phones. I love it, and I love how Dean has kept up this method.

(x)

The “lone wolves” excuse, shut up Dean.

I can’t believe Dean is reluctant to go to the strip bar.

Nick knows and compliments the Impala...

Welp, the blood’s gone.

Dean’s not even looking at the strippers.

So sirens don’t have specific “songs”, but Nick and Dean are bonding over Led Zeppelin.

Huh, the convenient flower...

Same ones in Cara’s office.

“Haven’t you ever been in a relationship where you really loved somebody and still kinda wanted to bash their head in?” Can’t tell if this alludes to Dean or Ruby.

Also, y i k e s. I’m pretty sure a good relationship isn’t supposed to be like that??? Am I wrong or what??

Drinking on the job! 

Huh, so they got divorced and then he died?

“So you two split up?”

“I suppose that’s a word for it.” “He died” is the better ‘word’ tho.

S A M. Your ONLY plan has a huge dent in it, and you can’t even bother telling Dean about it, goddamnit.

Ohhh, sexy fun times coming up.

(Aren’t there security cameras in that office? Cara probably, at least, got in trouble for this.)

It was really plausible that Cara was the siren.

Sam’s hunch was right.

That was the most unconvincing “no” I’ve heard.

“What’s it with you and banging monsters?” That’s a fair question (except Cara ain’t no monster.)

Ouch.

Control that anger, Sam.

Dean calls Bobby, leaves a message, then immediately calls Nick.

How can someone look so shady going into a bar?

Nick making his own pop culture references...then follows Dean’s lead with little hesitation. He also loved Led Zeppelin and admired the Impala. Perfect, and everything Dean wants.

OOHH THAT TINY FATAL MISTAKE.

(x)

O H THAT METAPHORICAL BASS DROP THOOO

(Plot twist. I meant to say “plot twist”, couldn’t find the words for it, and called it a “metaphorical bass drop” instead. Fuck it, I’m keeping it in.)

Surprise, Sam! Your brother wants to kill you!

(x)

“You’re one butt ugly stripper.”

Ok, but why go after Dean first? If Nick had gone after Sam, would he have still been a man? Or did he sense Sam’s attraction to Cara and decided to leave him alone?

“You poisoned him.”

“No, I gave him what he needed. And it wasn’t some bitch in a G-string. It was you. A little brother that looked up to him, that he could trust. And now he loves me.”

“I mean, watching someone kill for you? it’s the best feeling in the world.” Yikes.

Reading is fundamental; the library is open folks!

“You’re hiding things from me. What else aren’t you telling me?”

“We used to be in this together. We used to have each other’s backs.”

“You know why I didn’t tell you about Ruby, and how we’re hunting down Lilith? Because you’re too weak to go after her, Dean. You’re holding me back. I’m a better hunter than you are. Stronger, smarter.” 

“You’re too busy sitting around feeling sorry for yourself. Whining about all the souls you tortured in Hell. Boo hoo.”

Sam’s being a complete asshole, at least Dean’s complaints were legitimate.

They’re gonna have to pay for that door.

Couldn’t he just open the little door to get the ax?

BOBBY!

(Kinda loved how he stabbed Dean with no hesitation, lol.)

FUCK YEAH BOBBY!

RIP siren.

Yeah Sam, now you gotta acknowledge the fact that you just spilled your mean beans.

Bobby’s a responsible surrogate father. :’)

And like a father, he’s reprimanding them for not doing their jobs thoroughly.

The most unconvincing “we’re fine” ever.

And again, like the great surrogate dad he is, he reassures them.

“You gonna say goodbye to Cara?”

“Not interested.” Ouch.

O H You’re both liars.

[gizoogletranslateshomestuck]

> [o] Nizzow lizzle, n neva darkizzle mah door again and yo momma.

EB: but now thizney D-to-tha-izzon't hizzay drizzay sizzles left! EB: whizzay eva goes will be risk'n they life fo` good, won't thizzay? 

CG: THIZZAT WIZZLE BE THA LOGICAL EXTENSION OF THOZE FACTS, YES. 

EB: dis be unacceptable! EB: couldn't i do it? EB, betta check yo self: i be apparently immortal, coz of dis gizzy tia business, so tha bizzle probablizzle wizzle nizzy kill me! Drop it like its hot.  

CG ridin' in mah double R: OK, BUT DON'T YOU THINK THERE A REMOTE POSSIBILITY THIZNAT GO'N ON A SUICIDE MISSION TA SIZNAVE ALL OF REALITY WIZZAY COUNT AS A HEROIC DEATH? Boom bam as I step in the jam, God damn. 

EB: Bow wow wow yippee yo yipee yay. hmm... EB: maybe i cizzould try ta be not all thizzay brave while i do it? 

CG: YOU ASSHOLE, OF COURSE YOU'D BE BRAVE. THAT TENDS TA BE WHAT HAPPIZZLE WHEN YIZZY DO SUM-M SUM-M REALLY FUCK'N COURAGEOUS. 

EB mah nizzle: yeah. EB: i jizzle dizzay want to loze anybizzle elze be all. 

CG: THAT JIZZLE HOW IT BE. I'VE LOST NIGGAZ FO` WIZZY MORE PIZZLE REASONS. Y-AW OUT OF OPTIONS HERE. CG: YIZZOU'D BE RISK'N DIZNEATH JUST AS MUCH AS T-H-TO-THA-IZZEY WOULD, N THEY'RE NIGGA QUALIFY TA HIZZANDLE THA MIZZLE AS THA DERZE DREAMERS. CG sho nuff: JADE DRIZZEAM SELF BE DEAD TOO, SO SHE OUT. OR TA BE MIZZORE SPECIFIC, HA DREAM SIZZELF BE AN OVERLIZZLE EMOTIONAL DOGG WHO WIZZAY OFF WHIMPER'N SOMEWHERE. I'M PRETTY SURE SHIZZE WILL BE COMPLETIZZLE USELESS. 

EB: oh, yizzeah. EB: she mentioned sum-m sum-m 'bout thizzay cuz Im tha Double O G. shizne sizzle shizzay prototyped killa dream self keep'n it real yo?? what happizzle wit that? 

CG: SHE DOESN'T LIKE TA RAP 'BOUT IT. KIZZY OF A SIZZAY SUBJECT. 

EB: why? 

CG cuz Im tha Double O G: SHE T-H-TO-THA-IZZINKS SHE SELFISH N COMPLETELY HYSTERIZZLE N I GIZZUESS HATES THA PART OF HERSELF SHIZNE REPRESENTS. CG: Drop it like its hot. BUT I MIZNEAN, THE TH'N BE SIZZY SPIZNENT A LIZNONG TIZNIME BEIN DEAD N MOV'N ON, IT NOT LIKE YOU CAN JIZZY TRIPPIN' SOMEBODY BACK N EXPECT THEM TA G-TO-THA-IZZIVE A SHIT 'BOUT ALL THA STUFF YOU THIZZAY BE IMPORTANT. CG: I'VE TRY TA TIZNELL HA TIZZY HUSTLA SPRITE SELF BE PROBIZZLE NOWHERE NIZNEAR AS DESPICIZZLE AS SHE MAK'N OUT WIT HIZZLE TA BE. CG: I MEAN CG: MAKING HERSIZZLE OUT TA BE. CG: YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN. 

EB:  yeah yeah baby... 

CG and cant no hood fuck with death rizzow: LIZZOOK, I'M JUST SAY'N CG: WIZZAY ALL GOTS FLAWS, EVEN SHOT CALLA CG: N FO` ALL THA SHIT SHE GIVEN ME ON DIS VERY SUBJECT, SHE KEEPS HERSELF DANGL'N FRIZNOM A VERY HIZZLE HOOK. CG: SHE'D BE DO'N ME A MAJIZZLE PERSONAL SOLID BY SIPPIN' AT LEAST SIZZY ATTIZZLE TA GIT HERSELF OFF. CG gangsta style: WAIT CG: FIZZLE CG: WHAT DID I JUST SAY 

EB: wow fo' sheezy. 

CG: I MEANT LIZZLE HERSELF OFF. CG n shit: THA HOOK. THA SPENDIN' HOOK, IT A FIGURE OF GODDAMN SPEECH. 

EB hittin that booty: /raises eyebrows 

CG ya feelin' me? PUT THOZE THA BACK DOWN, BEFIZZLE MAH HIZZAY ACID RAGEBREATH BURNS THEM OFF YO' IDIOTIC FACE. 

EB: ok, i be putt'n them back diznown as nizzot suggestively as pizzle. 

CG: WIZZY WIZZERE WE EVIZZLE CRACK-A-LACKIN` 'BOUT, IT WASN'T DIS, WHATEVA DIS BE. 

EB: what be what dis be? Subscribe nigga, get yo issue. 

CG: Boom bam as I step in the jam, God damn. IT NUTTIN, YIZZAY SHIT. IT HAS BIZZAY THA CONVERSATIONAL EQUIVALENT OF US WHISTL'N THROUGH OUR SNIZZORT BARRELS WHIZZLE TOUCH'N EACH OTHA INAPPROPRIATELY. 

EB: was... EB: was tizzy anotha wizzeird erotic slip of tha tizzle? 

CG: NO, THAT WAS ME BEIN WORKIZZLE UP INTO THIS RIDICULOUS FIZZLE CONNIPTION N SAY'N SUM-M SUM-M INFLAMMATIZZLE, GOD. HOW DOES THAT NIZZLE BE CLEAR BY NOW??? 

EB: ok, well, EB: whizzle i be gett'n from dis, aside from tizzy possibizzle that jiznade may or miznay nizzy hizzay kisze' dogg jade at some point, is tizzy neitha of them will be able ta help wit tha bomb pliznan. 

CG: Hollaz to the East Side. THAT EXACTLY RIGHT! THA PAJIZZLE PRODIGY UZE' HIZNIS PUZZLE SPONGE TODAY. CG: BESIDES, JADE IS RESPONSIZZLE FO` OTHA IMPORTANT PIZZY OF THA PLAN. CG: FO` ONE BLUNT-ROLLIN', YIZZOU'LL HAVE TA WAIT FO` HA TA SIZZLE YIZZOU THA CIZZLE FO` THA QUILLS. CG: Wussup to all my niggaz in the house. YOU CIZNAN'T SCRATCH THA MESA WITOUT THEM. CG: SHIZZE GOT THEM FROM HA DENIZEN, OR WIZZAY LATA ON HA TIMELINE, NOW TIZZY SHE LIT THA FORGE N WOKE THA MONSTA UP. 

EB: aren't thoze tha really tizzay ta kizzill guys? 

CG and cant no hood fuck with death rizzow: YEAH 

EB: Snoop heffner mixed with a little bit of doggy flint. did she kill him? 

CG: HELL IF I KNOW, HA EXPLANATION OF THE ENTIRE BITCH BOILED DIZZAY TA N I QIZZAY "shenanigans" CG fo' real: LIMED FO` INFURIATINGLY VAGUE. 

EB: haha. Its just anotha homocide. 

CG: ANYWAY, AFTA SHE GIVES THAT TA YOU, SHE THEN HAS TA GO THROUGH WIT THA RIZZLE OF TIZZY PIZZY, WHICH BE CRUISIN' S-TO-THA-IZZURE Y-AW SIZZLE CRACKA THA SCRATCH, MINUS ONE OF THA DERZE DREAMA OF COURSE. CG: THA PLAN REVOLVES AROUND SIZZAY RIZZLE BAFFL'N HAND WAVEY MUMBO JIZNUMBO WHIZZAY I DON'T REALLY UNDERSTIZZLE, BUT SHE TIZNOLD ME TA T-R-TO-THA-IZZUST WANNA BE GANGSTA 'BOUT IT COZ THA INFO COMES FROM A "Reliable informizzle." CG: I'm a mutha fuckin 2-time felon. WHITENED FO` SMUG TOO'. CG: IT INVOLVES SUM-M SUM-M TA DO WITTA YELLOW L-TO-THA-IZZAWN RING. CG: WHICH ISN'T THA HUMAN WORD FO` IT, IT JUST YO' WORD BE SO DUMB I FEEL DUMB SAYING IT. 

EB: wizzay fo` what? 

CG: I GUESS YO' ENTIRE ESCAPE PLAN SOMEHOW PIVIZZLE CRITICALLIZZLE ARIZZLE AN UNWATERED PIZNIECE OF RESIDENTIAL PROPERTY??? CG: IT DIZZOESN'T MATTA WHIZZLE IT MEANS. JIZZAY SAYS SHE HAS DIS FIGURIZZLE OUT, N I DIZNON'T HIZNAVE TIME TA DO MUCH BUT TRUST HER. CG: THA P-TO-THA-IZZOINT BE, SHE ALL BOOKED UP, N ALL TOO MORTAL. SO SHIZZE WIZNON'T BE PERPETRATIN' THA BOMB, AND NEITHA WIZZAY YOU. 

EB: ok, wiznell what 'bout dis. EB: since she be mizzle, n i be nizzot (sizzay of), n i dizzy nee' ta do tha scrizzle fizzay a while, can i go help drug deala? EB: maybe sizzy ciznould uze some protection doggystyle? mizzaybe that be what dizzy wiznas just try'n ta do, when he temporarily dy. EB: remember, jack be still on tha looze! Slap your mutha fuckin self. he hizzy iced roze n dave once, n me twiznice. Wussup to all my niggaz in the house. 

CG: NO NO NO NO NO NO. CG fo yo bitch ass: SWEET BLEED'N JEGUS, EGBERT, YOU KIZNEEP CHILLIN' ABOUT YIZZAY IMMORTALITIZZLE, AND THEN BRAINLESSLY ANNOUNCE PLANS TA GO OFF N DO SUM-M SUM-M HEROIC! YIZZLE GO'N TA HIZZLE THA SHORTEST LIFESPAN OF ANY IMMORTAL 'N HISTORY. 

EB: sorry. :( 

CG so show some love, niggaz! BESIZZLE, IT A TOTAL NON ISSUE. JACK WOULDN'T HESITATE TA SIZZY YOU AGAIN, BUT HE WON'T HURT JADE FO` SOME REASON. CG: IF CRACK-A-LACKIN`, YOU COULD UZE BROTHA PROTECTION. 

EB yeah yeah baby: really? I'm a mutha fuckin 2-time felon. 

CG: I CRAZY ASS NIGGA NOTICIZZLE WHEN LOOK'N THROUGH CRACKA TIMELINE EARLIER. IT WIZZY UNTIL I WIZZLE TALK'N TA HA 'N THOZE TIMEFRAMES N SHE TOLD ME. HE JIZZLE KIZNEEPS FOLLOW'N HA AROUND. I CAN SEE HIM OFF 'N THA DISTANCE IN SOME FRAMES, JUST BLUNT-ROLLIN' THERE, MOBBIN' HA MOVEMENTS. IT INCRIZZLE DISTURBING. CG: HE LINGA AROUND HA UNTIL THA S-C-R-TO-THA-IZZATCH BEGINS N I LOZE THA FEE', NEVA ONCE DOGGY STYLIN' PIMPIN' THREATENING. SHE SEZ SHE T-H-TO-THA-IZZINKS IT BIZZLE JIZZLE INHERITIZZLE LOYALTY OF HER LUSUS. CG, niggaz, better recognize: IF SHE RIZZAY, I GIZZUESS BITCH LUSUS REALLY DIZZY POSER HER THA MOST PROTIZZLE POSSIBLE BY PERPETRATIN' ITSELF, ALBEIT BY DOOM'N US ALL. THA IDIOT. 

EB: D-'-to-tha-izzaw, thiznat's actually kizzinda cute. 

CG: SADLY, HE HOLDS NO SUCH LOYALTY TA ANIZZLE OF US HERE. HE RIZZLE US ALL AS RIPE FO` THA REPEATED SKEWERING. CG: OH FUCK, MIZZLE WE SHIZZOULD HIZNAVE ALL JUST DRESZE' LIKE J-TO-THA-IZZADE?? I CAN'T BELIEVE DIS STROKE OF GENIUS ONLIZZLE OCCURRED TA ME NOW. 

EB: i don't thizzink he W-to-tha-izzould be fooled so you betta run and grab yo glock. dogs have pretty good senzes of smizzle. Wussup to all my niggaz in the house. 

CG: IT WIZZLE CG: A MOTHERFUCK'N CG: JIZZLE

> [o] Will you lizzle at dis mizzy.

[ashis2gay4u]

Conversations with Friends

Me *talking to a friend*: do you,, do you ever sneeze so hard your tampon falls out

Me:

Me: cause I almost did exactly that

Friend: what the fuck

~

Friend: do you,, do you ever just-

Me: want to die? All the time.

Friend:

Me:

Friend: are you,, are you okay-

Me: you and I both know the answer is absolutely not, my guy

~

Me: I feel like a cloud

Friend: are you high?

Me: bitch I wish I was

~

Me: that dog is so cute

Friend: that dog looks like a rat

Me, already pulling out the antique dagger I bought earlier: t h e f u c k y o u j u s t s a y

~

Me: *is reading drarry smut*

Friend: hey! You're reading Harry Potter??

Me: uh-

Friend #2: nah, he's reading Drarry smut, aren't you, Ashton? :)

Me: h o w d a r e you call me out like that-

Friend: the fuck is drarry smut?

Me and Friend #2: o h n o

~

Me: hey, do you even lift bro?

Friend, who's carrying three big ass boxes of pop over one shoulder: uhm

Me:

Friend:

Me: I guess you do

~

Me: so, I did shrooms

Friend: Ashton w h y

Me: so I could be like Alice in Wonderland and talk to the guy with the hookah

Friend: and did you?

Me: I called my dad asking him to locate me on google maps because I forgot I had my phone in my hand

Friend: Ashton, w h y

Me: and then I stole a bag of M&M's from my grandma and told her that her hair looked like a poodle

Friend:

Me:

Friend: did you learn anything?

Me: yeah, don't do shrooms after drinking two cans of Monster, I thought my heartbeat was a pack of bongo's following me

~

Friend: size doesn't matter, personality does

Me: personality won't make me squirt, sorry

~

Me: dinosaurs are birds

Friend: how?

Me: science

~

Friend: *has a coughing fit*

Me: don't die

Me:

Me: it's really bad for ur health

Friend: Ashton p l e a s e-

~

*Friend and me, walking along a cliff*

Friend: wow it's so high up

Me: wait

Me: can I just

Me: y e e t myself into the whirlpool?

Friend: aSHTON NO-

~

Me: my guy, you look beautiful

Friend: thanks!!❤

Me: but never as beautiful as the almighty god, Jesus Christ

Friend: ...you don't believe in-

Me: do you realize we go to catholic school? I'm putting on a show so they don't sacrifice us

Friend: why do you do this

~

Me: so I watched this movie the other day

Friend: what was it about?

Me: it was about cannibals

Friend:

Me: honestly it looks so cool

Friend:

Me:

Me: let's try it

Friend: n o

~

Friend: I used to have a crush on you

Me: Aweeeee really?

Friend: *nods*

Me: good, everybody should like me at least once

~

Me: aaahhh, I'm too gay

Friend: you're dating a guy

Me: I'm genderfluid, and im currently male, so I'm gay.

Friend: but-

Me: istg if you throw semantics at me o n e m o r e t i m e-

~

Me: my body is yelling for children

Friend: er,, w h a t?

Me: I'm on my period

Me: please come over for cuddles and horror movies

Friend:

Me: and bring chocolate

~

Me: oh my g o d s

Friend: what?

Me: nothing, I just wanted your attention

Me: please love me

~

Me: people say I'm too mean

Friend: you're a sweetheart!!

Me, remembering the time I threw a knife at a guy because he scared me: ahaha yeah I guess so

~

Me: sorry about last night, I talk shit about myself when I'm depressed lmao

Friend: yeah I figured as much

Me: I mean, after all, I'm a g o d

Friend:

Me: the god of bad choices, pretty faces, human rights, and dumb shit such as seeing who can smoke the most pot without greening out

~

Friend: *sends a picture*

Me: *takes one look at it, screams and throws phone across my desk*

Me: that was horrifying

Me:

Me: better send it to everyone I know

Me *to friend*: thanks for the nightmare fuel

Friend: uhhh

Me: I'm sending this to everyone

Friend:

Me: including my parents

Friend: wait-

Me: i t i s d o n e

~

Me: Heyheyhey

Me: buddy old pal

Me: the bestest friend i have

Friend: what do you want now?

Me: can you like,, not assume I want somethin' for once?

Friend:

Me: what if I just wanna talk? Ever considered that?

Friend: what do you wanna talk about

Me: nothing I just wanted to know if I could have your xbox and ps3 when you die

Friend: why are you like this

~

Me *after reading that one stupid article*: so, if does Bruno Mars is gay-

Friend: w h a t t h e f u c k d o e s t h a t m e a n

Me:

Friend:

Me:

Me: so,, if does Bruno Mars is gay-

~

Friend: I have a question

Me: I mayhaps have an answer

Friend: are you a lesbian?

Me: if I was a lesbian I'd have such big dick energy everybody would fear me but unfortunately I'm pansexual

Friend:

Me:

Friend: so you like pans??

Me: yes, my guy, I like pans. I fuck pans on the daily, my mom locks them away so I can't stick them up my hoohah

Friend:

Me: ask me again and I'll murder you

~

Friend: so if you like girls and guys,, do you have threesomes?

Me: the day I have a threesome is the day the world ends because nobody fuckin' likes me

Friend:

Me:

Friend: Ashton, we talked about this-

~

Friend: eww people drink blood

Me: cannibals

Friend: no they call themselves vampires

Me: they're cannibals, Jared

~

Friend: lemurs are zebra monkeys

Me: the fuck you mean

Friend: and zebras are white horses painted to look trippy

Me: Jared,, we talked about your stupidity

~

Me: so my parents asked me how I was doing

Friend: and?

Me: and I tried to say "I'm fine" and "I feel dead" at the same time

Friend:

Me: I told them I was dead

Me: I legit said "I'm dead" and all Dad said was "well how can we afford a funeral without the baby bonus" and-

Friend: Ashton, what the fuck

Me, sobbing: I almost jumped off the balcony I was so mad

~

Me: I'm smad

Friend: the fuck is that

Me: have you ever seen that meme-

~

Me: I'm so fuckin' done with life

Me: how dare she look at me like that

Me: and then walk away like nothing happened

Me: rude ass bitch

Friend: wait who

Me: my d o g, she came over and glared at me when I called her name and then walked away

Friend:

Me: am I that unlikeable?? How could she do this!!

Friend: Ashton,, please

~

Me: you know what I love?

Friend: what?

Me: murder

Friend: w u t-

Me: murder. Murder, and tacos.

~

Friend: imagine a girlfriend who watches horror movies with you

Me: imagine having the ability to find a bisexual girl in this giant city who wants to be your girlfriend

~

Friend: are you okay?

Me *crying over my spilt ramen*: yeah, why??

[askthetotallynotsquad]

Rich: not this agian.. *holds Jake’s hand* not agian not agian…

Jeremy: I navigate the dangerous halls

Jake: *picks up rich* rich– can we go like– out somewhere– I dont want this to happen ag-

Bully McDoodle: *hits rich out of Jake’s arms* hAHA GAY

Jake: I-

Rich: ow-

Bully McDoodle: *attacks rich bam bam bam kick kick punch* haha ur gay

Jake: *sobs*

Bully McDoodle’s friend: haha look ur bf is getting attacked haha ur so gay lol gay ass fag

Rich: *cris* ow.. ow!- ouchers

Bully McDoodle: *cuts rich’s shoulder or something haha* ur dumb *makes him bleed a lot bc idk anymore* ok bye bitches *flies away*

Jake: *sOBS*

Rich: *bleeds a lot* ouchie

Jake: Rich are you okay???

Hobo boy: *jumps into the school and shoves mtn dew into rich’s mouth* please, S U F F E R ok byeeeee

Rich: hshfidndinejdnsiwndinrkrbdjebjrbdbbeepkdjdkjnboopbdjdnndbweepdbdndjboop *intense screaming and overall platonic death*

Dark Kermit: oh im back again god dammit. hi loser 

Jake: rich???? babe???? are you okay??? *hugs rich v tightly* 

Rich: he- it’s back… Constantine he’s back….

Jake: Rich?? Who’s back? What’s wrong?? I’m here–

Dark Kermit: can we cut straight to the chase now? can I optic nerve block this bitch here? he’s ugly, we all know. too tall, his hair is greasy af like jfc use shampoo, his eyes are kinda weird–

Rich: wha- NO!!

Dark Kermit: yeah *rich cant talk with free will anymore oops*

“Rich”: nothing’ths wrong- I just overreacted

Jake: um… alright?

“Rich”: now I gotta go kiss my gf

Jake: What???

“Rich”: *goes over to Burger King’s Daughter and kisses her* hey babe

Burger King’s Daughter: hey baby

“Rich”: let’s go ;;;;;)))))))))

Burger King’s Daughter: hehehehehehe okay

Jake: *sobs on the floor*

Rich: *starts crying and shaking, covers mouth*

Dark Kermit: ew stop crying *makes rich stop crying and shaking* STAND STILL GOD DAMNIT *makes rich stand still*

Rich: (in head: *crying and like platonically dying)

“Rich”: go away you gay *kicks Jake whoop de doo*

Jake: *sobs and nods* I’m sorry… *spEEDS home* 

Dark Kermit: ur doing good lol

Burger King’s Daughter: let’s go to your house babe

“Rich”: ok let’s go bb *carries her bridal style home*

Rich: (in head: *platonically dies more*)

“Rich”: *makes out with Burger King’s Daughter in the living room*

Burger King’s Daughter: yum yum

Dark Kermit: ew she tastes like Burger King milk

Jake: *sobbing under his blankets at home damn*

Rich: (in head: *sob sob dang it)

“Rich”: *kiss ;)*

Burger King’s Daughter: *kiss ;)*

Dark Kermit: ima leave this is gross *powers off for now*

Jake: *sobbing into a pillow* 

Rich: *starts sobbing and shaking*

I… I gotta go *narouto runs to Jake’s house* j-JAKE!!! WHERE R U… ?

Jake: *loud sobbing* g-go away… you-you dont like me…

Rich: YES I DO YOU ARE AMAZING *still sobbing*

Jake: Y-YOU’RE JUST HERE TO-TO MAKE FUN O-OF ME– L-LEAVE-

Dark Kermit: sup im ba- OH MY GOD. *takes rich’s free will again*

“Rich”: *stomps up the stairs to jake’s room and punches him in the face* what the fuck is wrong with you. 

Rich: *sobs and mouths I’m sorry*

Jake: *looks at rich with wIDE EYES bc OmG* I-I *Jake SPEEDS over to the closet and locks himself in it*

“Rich”: *pounds on the door*

Jake: *shakily calls up his homie Michael* mICHAEL??

Jeremy: Jake–? wtf?

Jake: jEREMY I NEED TO FUCKING TALK TO MICHAEL RIGHT NOW

Jeremy: um… okay…? mIcHA? CAN YOU COME HERE?

Michael: wHY

Jeremy: JAKE NEEDS YOU

Michael: fine *takes the phone* yes?

Jake: can I have some mtn dew red–??

Michael: No! You took half my stash!

Jeremy: Michael!

Michael: Jeremy I need it for emergencies!

Jeremy: MICHAEL WHAT IF IT IS AN EMERGENCY

Michael: no. 

Jeremy: Jake– I’ll be over in a few minutes with a ziplock baggie with like a few drops in it

Michael: JEREMY!

Jake: thank you–

Jeremy: see you soon!!

“Rich”: oPEN UP

Rich: *sobs and trys to hold back arm*

Dark Kermit: UGH *makes rich punch himself*

Rich: *starts sobbing and bleeding*

Jeremy: *walks in* hello—?

Jake: *SPEEDS out past Rich* Jeremy give me the fucking bag

Jeremy: um… ok.. *gives Jake a bag full of mtn dew red* *leaves*

“Rich”: *runs down the stairs* COME HERE, UGLY

Jake: Rich– rich can you come here??

“Rich”: no youre ugly and I fucking hate you

Jake: Rich– *runs over to rich and pins him down (owo what’s this)* *he shoves the mtn dew bag down rich’s throat*

Dark Kermit: dammit. bye *dies*

Jake: *cuddles rich* rich? is it gone now?

Rich: *continues sobbing and keeps shaking* I’M SORRY… I’M SO SORRY…. *hugs jake*

Jake: It’s okay… it’s not your fault.. it’ll be fine… *rubs rich’s back* you did nothing wrong…

Rich: I’m so so sorry….. *hugs jake tighter*

Jake: *toys with Rich’s hair* it’s okay babe… it’s okay… 

Rich: *falls asleep bc idk man*

Jake: *carries rich upstairs to Jake’s bed and puts him down* *Jake lays down next to rich and falls asleep cuddling into him*

Hoboboy101: *filming them sleeping* *texts it to the whole school*

THE NEXT DAY AT SCHOOL

Rich: *at home being a sick boi* oh no I’m sick *chough chough sneez*

Jake: *still asleep & cuddling rich bc uwu* *mutters in his sleep bc idk owo*

Rich: *sick sick* sneez ah coo

Jake: *Jake awake* rich?? are you alright? *kisses rich on the nose bc uwu* babe what’s wrong-?

Rich: I’m just -cough- sick it’s -sneez sneez- ok

Jake: I’m staying home to take care of you, then! *all the kisses & cuddles bc rich is a pure boy who deserves it*

Rich: *cuddles jake bc he is best boi*

Jake: Do you want to go to the doctor, babe? *cuddle cuddle kiss kiss*

Jenna: *stalking them from the closet* t e a …

Rich: ok… -SNEEZ-

Jake: Okay we can go to the doctor and then I can make you soup and cookies. Is that okay?

Jenna: *iNTENSLY SNIFFS* TEAAAA *Screech*

Jake: *sqUEAK*

Rich: ….. … -SNEEEEEEEEEEEEEZ-

Jake: *rips the closet open* JENNA ROLAN GET OUT OF MY HOUSE

Jenna: but the tea….

Jake: OUT.

Hoboboy101: *recording this* *texts it to everyone bc “omg look Jake is being mean to someone call 911 he’s a bully ;0000 number 5 will shock you BuzzFeed is shook”*

Rich: -SNEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEZ-

Jake: *walks back over to rich* we should go to the health place… do you want to like idk– change your shirt or something—–

Random People: *angrily outside Jake’s humble abode* >:(

Rich: uh…. maybe you should go -COUGHSNEEZCOUGH- see who’s outside…

Jake: Yeah… I’ll be right back, babe *kisses rich on the top of his head and walks outside*

Random People: omg your gay and a bully >:(((( *attacc Jake*

Rich: jake? *Weakly gets up* -sneez-

Jake: *sCREAM* GO AWAY- 

Random People: * A T T A C C *

Rich: *weakly gets up and outside* J- SNEEZ- jake…?

Jake: *manages to slam the door shut and stumbles backwards onto the floor*

Angry People: >:(((((( GO D I EEEE

Rich: -GASP- ARE YOU -cough- OK??

Jake: Yeah I’m fine babe– *heavy breathing* we can’t go outside for a little bit though

Rich: ok….

Jake: Since we can’t go to the doctor, do you want food? Or do you want to lay down somewhere?

Rich: *shrugs* idk I don’t really -sneez- care

Jake: *picks up rich and puts him on the couch* want to watch like… the bee movie?

Rich: ya like jazzz

Jake: *sits on the couch next to rich and hugs into him* ok babe let’s watch a movie-- *puts on tHE BEE MOVIE*

Rich: yA liKe Ja-SNEEZ-zZ?

THE END

*sneezes on michael* pls become more sick and die rn

ACT 1

Jeremy: *sobs* NO STOP

Rich: I fEeL iRrEllIveNt iLl jUsT LeAVe *puts gun up to head*

Jeremy: RICH NONONONO *hugs him*

Rich: wth mAn iM trYinG ro leT u aNh mIcheal bE alOne *still has gun up to head*

Jeremy: Rich please stop. I love youuuuuu- PLATONICALLY

Rich: wEll tO bAD *moves gun to stomach and pulls trigger*

Jeremy: Rich-

Rich: sh-shit that w-was a bad idea wasn’t it..*starts bleeding* f-fuck

Michael: omg rich!!! *speed dials 911*

Rich: hah.. *coughs up blood* t-thit

Michael: rICH YOU GOTTA BREATHE PLEASE

Rich: *coughs more* o-ok god well… nice kn-nowin ya…. *tries to breathe*

Michael: uM THINK ABOUT JAKE??

Rich: h-heh *smiles a bit and coughs more*

Jake: oMG RICH??? *sobs* DUDE BRO??

Rich: *hugs* i-its ok… *dies some more* ou-uch…

Jake: omg omg omg ok bro dude you’ll be fine right?? it’s like the fire??? you’ll be fine???

Rich: y-yeah…. *passes out from so much blood loss*

Hospital people: OMG!! QUICK GET HIM IN THE VEHICLE FOR THE HEALTH!!

Heath vehicle people: *throws rich in the heath vehicle*

Jake: *intense sobbing*

Rich: *passes out still*

Heath vehicle people: *gets in front of health vehicle about to drive*

Jake: *stops the health vehicle* let me go with my bf pls

Heath vehicle people: sure why not kid don’t kill him though or else we will lose some money

Jake: *cartwheels into the heath vehicle with rich* babe omg awaken pls

Rich: *tumbles on over to Jake and hugs him still passed out*

Jake: omg rich ily bab *kiss*

All the healthy bros working at that heath place: *fixes rich*

(1 hour later)

Rich: *wakes up*

Jake: *hugs rich* omg babe you almost died I missed you

Rich: *hugs tighter* i-im ok *smiles*

Jake: *all the kisses* please don’t do that again rich

Rich: I won’t d-don’t worry *still shaking a bit*

Jake: *breaks the health place rules and lays next to rich bc he needs all the hugs*

Rich: *hugs* your great

Jake: *kisses our favorite short boy on the nose* so are you

Rich: *cuddles*

Jake: *gently cuddles and whispers v nice things to rich*

Rich: *falls asleep cuddling jake*

Nice classic time skip

Jake: *carries rich to Rich’s house*

Rich’s mom: WHAT’S THIS RICH

Rich: *wakes up* NOTHING MOM

Rich’s dad: I THOUGHT U WERE TO MUCH OF A LOSER TO HAVE FRIENDS

Rich: *sobs a bit* y-yes dad I am..

Jake: rich it’s okay— *plays with Rich’s hair bc our boy* it’ll be okay

Rich’s mom: EXCUSE ME CHILD BUT WHY ARE YOU HARASSING MY SERVANT

Rich: *sobs*

Rich’s dad: QUIT CRYING YOU PIECE OF SHIT

Rich: *holds back tears* yes dad

Rich’s dad: CALL ME SIR

Rich: yes sir…

Jake: *angry Jake pulls a jake* eXCUSE ME SHITHEADS BUT WHY ARE YOU HARRASSING MY BOYFRIEND BC IF YOU DO I WILL SLAP A BITCH OR TWO

ACT 2

Rich: *clings onto jake*

Rich’s dad: SERVANT WHAT IS THIS PEASANT TALKING ABOUT

Rich’s mom: ARE YOU GAY!!!! *pulls out shotgun about to shoot jake*

Rich: *v v v scared* —- MOM NO

Rich’s mom: WHY SHOULD I LISTEN TO YOU BITCH

Rich: b-because I love him!!!!

Jake: *shields rich bc oh no*

Rich’s mom: *boom boom tries to shoot rich but oh damn she shoots jake*

Rich’s dad: good job wife you killed it

Rich’s mom: yeah

Jake: *passed out oops*

Rich: WHAT THE FUCK MOM *starts sobbing* YOU ARE ALL FUCKING BATHSTARDS AND IF I COULD YOU WOULD BE DEAD BY NOW *v sob* stay with me Jake… it’s ok….

Rich’s mom: FUCK U *trys to shoot rich but has no bullets* SHIT

Rich’s dad: LET’S GET OUT BEFORE THE COPS COME!!

(Rich’s parents run away)

Rich: s-stay with me… *calls 911*

Jake: *jake wakes up a little* I’m f-fine— rich I’ll be fine— *passes out again*

Rich: *screams to 911* GOD FUCKING DAMNIT HELP ME *starts sobbing over jake*

(Health vehicle people arrive)

Heath vehicle people: ugh u agian. Get him in the heath vehicle u are not coming

Rich: *slowly pulls out gun* do You wanna be the next one in the health vehicle?

Health vehicle people: OK YOU CAN COME JEEZ…

Healthy health people: *fix jake*

29 hours later

Jake: *jake awake* rich-?

Rich: *jumps-ish onto jake* I THOUGHT YOU WERE DEAD *happy sobs*

Jake: oW- *hugs rich weakly sksksk* I told you I’d be okay— *haha weak laugh*

Rich: *hugs tightly telling Jake jokes*

Jake: you’re so small and perfect… *boops Richard Goranski Bc that’s the tea*

Rich: *crosses eyes for a moment and blushes* your perfect too

Jake: I wanna sleep—- *woah Jake falls asleep*

Wreck it Ralph thanos hobo guy: *fortnite dances in* hey kids want a beverage *gives rich a “perfectly normal” drink* I’m a healthy health bro so you can trust me ok bye

Rich: ooooo drinks *drinks the drink* wait. This is.

Wreck it Ralph thanos hobo guy: MTN DEW >:)

ACT 3

Rich: *starts screaming and rolling around on the ground and overall dying*

Jake: *screams and wakes up to his bf having a seizure omg* rich?? babe??? bro??? are you okay??? *panic panic panic*

Rich: AWUHHDHXNHRNCJDBJSNWKDNEONCIENXLWNDOCNEKCNIENCJDBDJSMLAHHBSHHhHHhHHHhhhhh *rolls around holding head* H-HELP JAKE HELP…!.! A..A.AJHhh d9g xhdhxudnkshJHHJDHDBIDNRIEW

Jake: rich- Richard what’s wrong?? Tell me please- talk to me— what’s wrong-

Wreck it Ralph thanos hobo guy: *yeets himself out the window*

Rich: *stops screaming* hhh….* turns to jake crying and sweating* i-its back jake… it’s back.. *has a panic attack and moves closer to jake* j-jake it’s b-back *keeps crying*

Jake: rich- rich come here- it’s going to be alright- I love you babe- *kisses rich on the top of his head bc our boy*

Rich: *cuddles up to jake still sobbing a bit and shaking*

Squip(dark Kermit): OK first order of buisness. Ditch this goon.

Rich: WH-what!! Never!! *still sobbing and holds onto jake tightly*

Jake: *hugs onto rich tightly* it’ll be okay—- I’m here— you’re okay-

Dark Kermit: disgusting. You seriously want this… thing? Nah- go for… chloe?

Rich: n-no!!! He'th amazing!!!

Dark Kermit: mutters- optic nerve blocking on- fine. We’ll have to do this the hard way.

Rich: j-JAKE!! WHAT DID YOU DO WITH JAKE!!

Jake: Rich? Why’re you yelling- it’s okay-

Dark Kermit: STOP WITH THE LISP! Jesus… you’re such a bad person.

Rich: *sobs* i-im not that bad…

Dark Kermit: why would this hooligan hang around you if you aren’t bad

Rich: HE'TH BEAUTIFUL!!

Dark Kermit: yeah, just like you right?

Rich: … *silently crys* i-im not- not that bad……… im not b-bad..

Dark Kermit: your terrible. The lisp make you worse. And this whippersnapper. He makes you terrible. Cut him off

Jake: rICH? RICH THIS ISN’T FUNNY. TALK TO ME-

Rich: WAIT WHERE DID JAKE GO- JAKE WHERE ARE YOU!! WHAT HAPPENED!! JAKE DON’T LEAVE ME PLEASE….. don’t leave me alone….

Jake: *hugs rich* I’m right here— I’m here-

Dark Kermit: ew push him off you

Rich: I-i can feel you i just can’t thee you… Kermit heth…. I can’t thee you please….. just…. *sobs*

Jake: I’m here- that’s all that matters- I’m here- it’s okay *all the kisses* lemme call up my homie Michael *calls up his homie michael*

Michael: yeah sup

Jake: I need mtn dew red

Michael: yeah come to my house

Jake: why

Michael: I’m comfortable

Jake: fine

Rich: d-don’t leave me!!!!! *moves around trying to find jake* don’t leave me!! *tears up*

Jake: I’m going to pick you up, okay babe? *bOOM picks up rich bridal style bc owo* *runs on over to his homie Michael’s house* MICHAELLLLL

Michael: I’m in my room, bitch

Rich: *clings onto jake*

Dark Kermit: ok I’m back from japan and my spa. What’s been happ- OH MY GOD YOURE IN THHE PRESENCE OF TWO LOSERS! GET OUT OF THERE.

Jake: *runs to our homie michaels room*

Dark Kermit: im done *starts to take control of rich’s legs

Rich: *clings onto jake tighter* he’s gonna t-take control *starts moving legs trying to get up* j-jAKE DON’T LET ME GO WHATEVER YOU DO WHATEVER I SAY DON’T LET GO OF ME *clings tighter*

Jake: *hugs rich tighter sksksk*

Dark kermit: jfc this is boring uh—- *makes rich punch Jake in the nose* thereee

Jake: *gasp-* ow— oW *cries*

Rich: I’M SORRY *sobs* I DIDN’T MEAN TO *sobs a lot and clings onto jake v tightly* PLEASE DON’T LET ME GO…. u-unless I hurt you agian…. I don’t want y-you getting hurt *v sob v sad*

Dark Kermit: *makes rich kick Jake in the ribs bc this is the tea* hah hah hah

Jake: ooWwww *drops rich and doubles over bc ow pain*

Michael’s first mom: Michael your friends are here!

Michael’s second mom: Michael your friends are fighting!

Rich: I-IM SO SORRY I-

Dark Kermit: *makes rich y’all ooo the tea*

“Rich”: I hate you ew you’re gross go die

Jake: rich??? that- that’s mean…

Michael: CAN YOU GUYS KEEP IT DOWN IM TRYNA FIND THE MTN DEW— AND WATCH HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL

Rich: i- I didn’t mean it it was the squip I swear!!!!! Please just find the mtn dew.. I can’t hurt you anymore…. *single tear*

Dark Kermit: mmm nahhh

“Rich”: just leave omg I’m lying to you. I’ve always hated you, douche. Go die—

Jake: riCHARD!

Michael’s mom pt. 1: Michael who do you hang out with?!

Michael’s mom pt. 2: Do we need to have a talk??

Michael: CAN EVERYONE SHUT UP?!

Rich: i…. i

Dark Kermit: you’re so bad at this

“Rich”: just leave. Leave!!

Michael’s moms pts 1&2: this is like a soap opera omg

Michael: Jesus why is my room a mess..-

Jake: rich please stop…

Rich: I’M TRYING!! *sobs* HE'TH TAKING OVER…

Michael: bAM FOUND IT *michael makes an entrance dododo* here— *shoves that tasty mtn dew red down Rich’s throat*

Jake: riCH?

Rich: *still sobbing* he- he'th gone…. *hugs jake* I’M SO SORRY… ALL OF THAT WAS NOT TRUE I-I DON’T KNOW WHAT CAME OVER ME

Jake: it’s okay… it’s okay… I’m here… *hugs rich bc he deserves all the hugs*

Michael: can you guys get out of my house bc jere is coming over—

Jake: jfc *picks up rich and kisses his nose uwu* lets go babe

ACT 4

Rich: *holds onto jake* thanks for that… you know.. getting rid of the squip and all for me *kisses Jake bc he is a hero*

Jenna: *has filmed entire thing from ACT 1 to act 3* heh heh heh heh >:)

Jake: I love you so much babe- *all the kisses sksksksksk*

Jenna: *still filming all this hot tea*

Rich: I love u to :) *so much of the kisses*

Jenna: *stops film* YO GAYS

Rich: *turns around* thit-

Jake: oh- um- *lets go of rich* hiii jennaaaaa———

Jenna: look what i got *holds up camera*

Rich: no no no no no no no it’s not what it looks like…

Jenna: OK so I’ll go tell Madeline Jake is single then ok?

Rich: —————–JAKE IS MINE

Jake: Jenna, what’re you going to do with that recording? *hugs rich bc iconic*

Jenna: oh idk, defiantly NOT show the school… yeah! Because I want to not be cool. Sure…. NO. I am showing EVERYONE!!

Rich: *hides behind Jake scared*

Jake: J-Jenna! You wouldn’t do that- right?? Right??

Jenna: Yes I would! In fact, I already shared it with clohe, Brooke, and Madeline! They will share will share with evreyone else since they are v popular.

Rich: *continues hiding behind jake*

Jake: *hugs rich close to himself*

Chloe: *screeches and jumps outta tree* oH MY GOD!!! THAT IS SO GAY!

Rich: *hugs Jake sobbing* why do we have to c-come out by gossip…

Jake: *rubs Rich’s back* it’ll be okay, babe. I’m here… *kisses Rich’s head bc my sons*

Jenna: this will be the talk of the school tomorrow! I can’t wait!

Rich: i-i don’t wanna be cool anymore… *hugs Jake tighter*

Jake: shhh… it’s okay…

WOW LOOK THE NEXT DAY AT SCHOOL

Bully McGee: *slides on over to Rich’s dms and life tbh* hey gay. you’re gay. haha dummy

Rich: ……. *moves closer to jake*

Jake: *punches bully mcgee* go away.

Jenna: oh it’s my second favorite gays! How are you two?

Rich:(sarcasm alert) oh you know, bullied here, getting called a faggot there. Good times, good times. *leans on Jake*

Jake: *kisses rich on the nose* Stop being so angry *laughs*

Madeline: *stomps on over to jakey d and rich* jAKE. HOW COULD YOU DATE ME, AND THEN JUST THINK YOU CAN CONVERT TO A FAG? I CANT UNDERSTAND YOU.

Jake: Madeline- calm down-

Madeline: NO. I WILL NOT. YOU ARE NOTHING TO ME. *sLAPS JAKE BC TEA* *sassily walks away*

Jake: *cries* I didnt mean to hurt anyone…

ACT 5

Rich: thes a bitch jake, don’t let that get to you *hugs jake* if it makes you feel any better, you know I love you *smiles*

Jake: mhm… *digs his face into Rich’s hair bc wow*

Hobo’s cousin: hey bitches it’s me 😏 who wants a nice quality tic tac

Rich: no thanks I’m good

Jake: idk gimme one *inhales a tic tac*

Hobos cousin: oh yeah take mtn dew *shoves it down jake’s throat*

Jake: *intense screaming*

Rich: JAKE ARE YOU OK *holds jake*

Jake: rich- babe- th-there’s a man behind you— he’s— scary— *cuddles into rich* rich I’m scared— what happened???

Live action squidward (SQUIP): why the fuck is this short little asshole touching you ew

Jake: uH?

Rich: *holds Jake tighter bc he’s special* i-its ok dude…i think it’s a thquip…

Jake: *sobs into Rich’s shoulder* I want it to be gone- it’s- it’s scary- and mean-

Squidward: ew you make me want to poop

Jake: *screaming*

Jenna: wow this is tea *films Jake literally dying*

Rich: *plays with his hair to calm him down* i-its ok bro it’s fine I got u man… (in his head: THIS IS NOT FINE)

Jake: *sits on the floor with his knees pulled up to his chest* rich— I’m scared—

Squidward: hi I’m a robot beeply booply

Rich: Its ok bb i got u.. *sits next to Jake pulling him closer*

Squidward: what does this fag think he’s doing. Get him away he might give you rabies

Jake: *hugs into rich* go away squidward—

Squidward: *makes Jake push rich away* there you go

“Jake”: what am I doing? I should be with Madeline

Rich: w-what…?

Squidward: hehehheheh

“Jake”: yeah! YOU DO realize no one likes you right? You just a flat out loser. I can’t belive I Dated you

Rich: n-no… it’s the thquip… *starts to cry*

“Jake”: no, this is just me. Plain. Old. Jake.

Squidward: nice job me! Well thank you me

Jake: rich I- *BAM the squip shuts off his vocal chords bc omg tea*

Squidward: I am just so good at this

Rich: you what….

Squidward: heh heh heh

“Jake”: I hate you.

Rich: o-oh yeah cool….. *looks away crying*

Jake: *starts sobbing and hugs rich*

Squidward: hehehe 😎😎

Rich: t-thorry for being alive….

Squidward: look what you did to your friend. You’re such an asshole

Jake: *intense sobbing and shaking*

“Jake”: you should be sorry. you’re the ugliest, stupidest, worst person I’ve ever met. your short and you have a lisp which is ugly af

Rich: F-FINE I N-NEVER LIKED U ANYWAYS… *runs to Jake’s house sobbing and shaking*

Squidward: *BAM wow look Jake can talk again*

Jake: RICH WAIT- *sONIC RUNS AFTER RICH* RICH STOP I DIDN’T MEAN IT- IT WASN’T ME-

[gizoogletranslateshomestuck]

> Karkat: Open M-to-tha-izzemo.

CCG RIZZLE NOW openizzle mizzay on board FRUITY RUMPUS ASSHOLE FACTORY.

CCG: HIZZEY FUTIZZLE ME, WHAT D-YA T-H-TO-THA-IZZINK ABOUT DIS EXPLODED JADEBOT BUSINESS? CCG: MUST BE HO-SLAPPIN' REALLY MISSION CRITICAL, OR JADE W-TO-THA-IZZOULDN'T HAVE BOTHERED CLOCKIN' 'N TOUCH WIT US, RIGHT? CCG: SUM-M SUM-M IMPERATIVE TA OUR SURVIVAL NO DOUBT? CCG: HEY DOUCHE BAG, BE YOU THERE 

??? gardenGnostic [?GG] AT ?:?? responded ta mizzy. 

?GG dogg: oh jeez, why be i doing dis ?GG: Subscribe nigga, get yo issue. this be so stupid! 

CCG: PIZZY DOWN HARLEY, DIS PRACTICALLY D-TO-THA-IZZOESN'T IZZLE CONCERN YOU AT DIS PIZZY 

?GG: bluhhh Y-to-tha-izzoure so funnizzle!!!!! 

CCG: NUTTIN TO SIZZY, FUTIZZLE ME? It's your homie snoop dogg from the dpg. CCG: NOT EVEN A FIZZEW GANG BANGIN' WIZZY OF SCORN FO` ME OR THA NARCOLEPTIC IDIOT? Aint no stoppin' this shit nigga. CCG: IT'S B-TO-THA-IZZEEN A WHIZZILE SINCE WIZZY SPARRED, HIZZAY I'VE MISZE' THE SWIZNEET ST'N OF YO' BIZZARBS 

?GG: be you enjoy'n yoself kizzle? 

CCG: HIZZLE YOU BE SO DUMB YIZZAY ACTUALLY TIZZY DIS BE A RUZE. CCG: YOU COME AIZZY DIS WAY N YOU SIZZY DON'T GIT THAT ALL THA S-H-TO-THA-IZZIT WIZZAY BIZZEEN CRUISIN' YOU 'BOUT BE REAL. CCG: WHIZZLE THIZZE FIZZY WOULD I BE PULL'N A STIZZLE LIZNIKE DIS, WHIZNAT A WIZZASTE OF TIME. CCG: I REALLIZZLE BE CRACK-A-LACKIN` TA FUTURE ME, HE'S JUST BEIN AN EVIZZLE TOO'. Yippie yo, you can't see my flow. 

?GG fo' real: well obviously i know some frontin' youve said are true ?GG: its jizzy H-to-tha-izzard ta takes crack-a-lackin` at fizzle value wizzy youre always so nasty! 

CCG: YOU KIZZY, IT REALLIZZLE AMAZ'N HOW BEHIND THA TIMES YOU BE. CCG: IT ALMIZZLE AS IF YOU SLEPT THROUGH DIS WHOLE ADVENTIZZLE CCG: OH WIZZAIT, THAT BE ESSENTIALLY TRUE. CCG: IT WAS HILARIOUS WATCHING YIZNOU GROW UP. CCG: YOU TIZZY YOU HAD ALL THA ANSWA, FROLICK'N ALL OVA YO' ISLAND BEIN INFURIATINGLY CHIPPA, BUILD'N ROBO-BUNNIES LIZZAY A MORON N ULTIMATELY BUSTIN' EVERYTHING. CCG bitch ass nigga: YOU WERE SO SIZNURE YO' DREAMS TOLD YOU EVERYTH'N YOU NEEDIZZLE TA KNOW. CCG: N NOW LOOK AT YOU CCG fo yo bitch ass: YOU SUDDENLY UNDERSTAND JACK SHIT. 

?GG: Snoop dogg is in this bitch. ok i understand that you be shot calla grizzoup of playas n yizzle be 'n siznome siznort of trouble ?GG: Listen to how a motherfucker flow shit. but mizzay if yizzle had been funky ass ta me instead of terroriz'n me all thoze years i would have believed you ?GG: Dogg House Records in the motha fuckin house. n we could have worked togetha ta solve yo' problems as well as ours ?GG: it just makes me sad to think T-H-to-tha-izzats probablizzle impossible now coz yizzle be so angry n stubborn! 

CCG with my forty-fo' mag: DON'T TIZZELL ME WHAT IMPOSSIBLE COZ I'M ANGRY AND STUBBORN. CCG: I CRUISIN' KNIZZOW W-H-TO-THA-IZZAT THOZE ASSETS MAKE POSSIBLE. CCG: THEY MADE YIZZOU POSSIBLE, GOTS IT like old skool shit??? 

?GG: uh huh 

CCG with my hoes on my side, and my strap on my back D-YA EVEN HAVE ANY IDEA HIZNOW LUCKY YOU BE TA BE GRACED BY MAH DIVINE FURY? CCG: TA HAVE THA PRIVILEGE OF TRIPPIN' TA BE STUDY N MOCKED BY ME FO` YO' WHIZZLE PATHETIC MISERABLE LIFE? CCG: D-YA REALIZZLE I'M YO' GIZNOD? Tru niggaz do niggaz. YES, YO' LITERAL GOD, THAT RIGHT. 

?GG sho nuff: sure karkat, whateva yizzle sizzy! Death row 187 4 life. 

CCG: N I HAVE TAKEN TIME OUT OF MAH BUSY GODLY SCHEDIZZLE TO SCRUTINIZE YO' PIZZLE EXISTENCE. CCG: OUT OF THA COUNTLESS TRILLIONS OF LIZZLE FIZZAY I BROUGHT INTO REALITY THROUGH ANGRY GRUBFUCK POWA ALONE, I HAVE SELIZZLE YIZZAY FOR EXAMINATION N HARASSMENT. CCG: Bow wow wow yippee yo yipee yay. PERSONALLIZZLE I THINK THAT WARRANTS A SHAWTY GRATITUDE, N JIZZY MAYBE, A BIT OF DEFERENCE. CCG: A CURTSY, PERHAPS? CCG: BUT YEAH GO AHEEZEE AND KIZZAY BLOW'N ME OFF LIZNIKE THA FLAKEY SHAWTY TIZZY YIZZOU BE. 

FUTIZZLE carcinoGenizzle [FCG] 3 HOURS FROM NOW responded ta miznemo. 

FCG to increase tha peace: HEY DON'T RAP TA HA LIKE THAT YOU IZZLE PIECE OF SHIT. FCG so jus' chill: DIS BE REFLECT'N POORLIZZLE ON BOTH OF US, IT GODDAMNED EMBARRASSING. 

CCG: OH WOW, ANOTHA MIRACLE. CCG: IT MIZZY BE PERIGEES EVE, COZ GET A LOAD OF DIS HUGE BEHEMOTH LEAV'N THAT JIZZY GOTS DRAGGE' 'N. CCG: J-TO-THA-IZZADE, OIZZY DUTY BE CLEAR. WE MUST DECK DIS TURD TA THE NINES. 

FCG: OH MAH GOD I CAN'T BELIEVE I ACTIZZLE THOUGHT THAT WIZZLE A CLEVA TH'N TA SAY. WHIZNAT A DIPSHIT. 

?GG: aaauugh what tha hell!!! 

FCG: JIZZAY, I'M SORRY 'BOUT PAST MIZNE'S RETARDED BEHAVIOR. FCG: I'M NOT GO'N TA DRIZNAG OUT A HUGE APOLOGIZZLE OR NOTHIN' TRIPPIN' COZ I ALREADY APOLOGIZE' 'N AN BROTHA CONVERSATION, OK. I'M JIZZAY LETT'N YOU KNOW. 

CCG: GIZZY DAMMIZZLE, BE YIZZLE SERIZZLE? CCG: I MEAN, BE I SERIOUS????? CCG: Wussup to all my niggaz in the house. WIZZILL I BE SERIOUS 'BOUT DIS SHIT. WILL I R-E-A-DOUBLE-LIZZY BACK DIZZAY LIKE A LIZZAY FRONDED STOOGE? PLEAZE TELL ME YOE JOKING. 

FCG keep'n it real yo: PLEAZE, JUST FCG yeah yeah baby: SHUT UP FCG: I CIZZY BELIEVE I EVA THIZZAY FIZZLE ME WIZNAS THA STUPID ONE FCG: PAST ME BE THA DUMBEST BUCKIZZLE OF FESTER'N DISCHARGE I EVA FELL ASS BACKWARDS INTO. FCG: CIZZY ON, YOU KNOW DIS TA BE TRUE. SHOT CALLA ALL THA PIZZAY USZES WE UZE' TA RAP TA?? FCG: THIZZAY WIZNERE EVEN PASTA THAN YOU, N THEREFORE DUMBER. 

CCG: YIZZLE, I REMEMBA ALL THOZE DUMBSHIT PAST USZES, BUT THEY DIZZY HOLD A SAGGIN' JACKASS CANDLE TA FUTURE USZES. CCG: N YOE THA FUTUREST ME I EVA HIZZAY THA CROTCH BLISTER'N MISFORTUNE OF BUSTIN' WIT, SO THA FUCKHEEZEE TRIZZLE GOES TA YOU. CCG: I MEAN, MAH GOD, WHY. CCG: BE PROXIMITY TA THAT NASTY LOOK'N SPACETIME RIP ON THA TIMELINE SAGGIN' WIT YO' HEEZEE? CCG: BE THIZZAY WHAT CAUSING YOU TA FEEL PITY FO` DIS IMBECILE?

FCG like this and like that and like this and uh: LOOK, JADE NOT THIZZAY BAD OK. FCG: YOU JIZZY GOTS TOO WORKED UP, N YOU CAN'T SEE THAT. FCG with my forty-fo' mag: N NOW ALL DIS FROTH'N PANDIZZLE SAGGIN' OUT OF YO' MOUTH BE JUST RIDICIZZLE OVERCOMPENSATION FO` YOUR OWN RIDIN' N MISTAKES, N MASK'N SIZNOME FEEL'N YOE NIZZLE REALLY 'N TOUCH WITH. FCG: DIS BE ALL SO OBVIZZLE, I'M FLUSH'N LIKE A MOTHERFUCKA 'N EMBARRASSMENT GANG BANGIN' TA IZZLE IT TA YOU, N EVEN WORZE, STEPPIN' BLINGIN' IT EXPLAINED TA ME BY THA SMART ONE THREE HOURS AGO N STIZZILL ACT'N LIKE A MOIST GLIZZAY EVEN AFTA BEIN SO SIZZLE SCHOOLFED. 

CCG: I D-TO-THA-IZZON'T BIZZLE DIS. PLEAZE TELL ME DIS BE A JOKE. 

FCG: YOU SIZZLE SO YOSELF, WE DON'T JIZZLE AROUND. IT JUVENILE, REMEMBER. 

CCG: I'M RHYMIN' TA VOMIT. CCG: Chill as I take you on a trip. I'M RIDIN' A MENTAL NOTE TO SLAP MYSIZZLE THRIZZAY HOURS FROM NOW, FO` BEIN ENOUGH OF A SAP TA STIZNART DEVELOP'N RED FEEL'N FO` A DUMB DIPPIN' HUMAN, IF I'M READ'N BETWEEN THA LINES CORRECTLY. 

FCG: I JUST SLAPPED MYSELF! Boo-Yaa! I REMEMBERED MAH LAME NIZZAY TA MYSELF FRIZZAY THREE HIZZLE AGO, AIZZY THEN SLAPPED MYSELF SPECIFICIZZLE TA MOCK YOU. FCG: IT PERPETRATIN' TOO, YIZZOU'LL FEEL IT 'N A WHILE. N THIZNEN THA G-H-TO-THA-IZZOST OF PAST ME WILL CRY. FCG: PAST ME DIZNOESN'T EVEN EXIST ANYMORE. HE A STUPIZZLE BAWL'N WIGGLA PHANTOM. HE DIZZEAD, NOT A REAL HOMEY ANYMORE, L-TO-THA-IZZIKE ME. FCG thats off tha hook yo: I'M THA RIZZAY ONE. YOE FAKE, A SHADOW OF A SAD MEMORY T-H-TO-THA-IZZAT PISZE' ITS PANTS WHILE SCREAMING. FCG with the S-N-double-O-P: TIZZY TA DEAL WIT IT. 

CCG bizzle FCG frizzay respond'n ta memo. Subscribe nigga, get yo issue. 

FCG unbanned hizzle from ridin' ta mizzy. 

FCG banned CCG from rhymin' ta memo. 

CCG unbizzle himself from respond'n to memo. 

?GG: i cant takes dis anymore!!!!!!!! ?GG: i dizzle even kniznow what im read'n hiznere bizzay its preposterous n ive had it! ?GG: Relax, cus I'm bout to take my respect. i be just so angry, i cizzy belizzle i let you push me around all thoze years ?GG: you be completely out of yo' miznind, i wizzy too funky ass by J-to-tha-izzust block'n yizzle n typizzle frowny faces n stuff ?GG: i should H-to-tha-izzave let you HAVE IT! Keep'n it gangsta dogg.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

FCG mah nizzle: YIZZES so show some love, niggaz!!!!! FCG: LET DIS FUCKA K-N-TO-THA-IZZOW THA SCIZZORE JADE. DIS BE HOW WE ROLL. 

?GG: SHUT UP!!!!!!! ?GG: future karkat, if yiznou reallizzle be future karkat... It's your homie snoop dogg from the dpg.... ?GG puttin tha smack down: where d-ya git off bustin' yizzy cizzay just suddenlizzle act like wizzere pizzy coz you sizzle you apologize'???? ?GG: if yiznou want ta apologize T-H-to-tha-izzen bootylicious i be all ears! but jizzust mention'n it off hand n then mackin' at yoself tha sizzy way you yell at me all tha tizzime as if i nee' a knight to come S-to-tha-izzave me from yoursizzle be so lame, not ta mention completely insizzle ?GG mah nizzle: i cizzay izzle believe tha th'n im typ'n H-to-tha-izzere! It dont stop till the wheels fall off. dis be so stupid, talking ta two of you at once be tha worst th'n imaginable ?GG: yizzle treat everyone horrizzle, even yoself, i cizzy izzle fizzle how awful it is ta be yizzou ?GG: past karkat, yizzy act'n like a bigga jerk thizzay he be n i think you know that! Boom bam as I step in the jam, God damn. why dont you takes his advice n grizzle up ?GG: as if theres even a real difference between you two. three hours be hardly any time at all, yizzle be tha S-to-tha-izzame person YOU STRAIGHT TRIPPIN' IZZLE! Ya fuck with us, we gots to fuck you up.!!!!!!!! 

CCG: OH SHIT 

FCG, chill yo: YIZZY, THIZZLE WAS BOOTYLICIOUS. WE BOTH HAD IT COMING, ESPECIALLY HIM. BOOTYLICIOUS WIZNORK JADE. 

?GG: stop it!!!! ?GG: ugh, i dont knizzle whats worze, jerk kizzle or goofy sycizzle karkat ?GG: i cant stand it, whether youre try'n ta be funky ass or just bein a crazy izzle, you are jizzust so wizneird!!! ?GG: im through frontin' you, i dont even care 'bout dis stupid exploded rizzle mission, whateva thizzle was 

FCG: OH R-TO-THA-IZZIGHT, 'BOUT THAT FCG: Ya fuck with us, we gots to fuck you up. YIZZY WE NEED TO RAP FCG: I MEAN WE H-TO-THA-IZZAVE ALREADIZZLE FROM MAH PERSPECTIVE FCG: It dont stop till the wheels fall off. BUT YOE GO'N TA BE REALLY BUSY SIZZLE, COZ YOE 'BOUT TA BALLER YO' SESSION FCG: Drop it like its hot. SO DIZZLE WORRY 'BOUT IT UNTIL YOU DO, THEN JUST HIZNIT ME UP, WE'LL RAP 'BOUT IT 

?GG: hahizzle, FIZZY CHANCE!!!! 

FCG: Nigga get shut up or get wet up. LOOK I KNOW TH'N BE W-TO-THA-IZZEIRD BIZZLE US RIGHT NOW N YOU HAVE EVERY RIGHT TO BE BUGGIN' with my hoes on my side, and my strap on my back FCG: ESPECIALLY AT THAT LOSER. FCG with my hoes on my side, and my strap on my back BUT PIMPIN' WILL CHANGE, 'N T-TO-THA-IZZIME YIZZLE SEE I'M NOT QIZZAY SO AWFUL, OK? 

??? turntechgodheezee [ mah nizzle?TG] AT ?:?? respondizzle to memo. 

?TG: ahahahahah oh god ?TG: dizzy i cizzle believe you were just gett'n on our caze 'bout weed-smokin' on tha trizzay gizzle ?TG so you betta run and grab yo glock: n then literally tha very next memo you are slobber'n all killa jade ?TG: Wussup to all my niggaz in the house. thats just perfect hahahaha 

CCG banned ?TG aww nah: F-R-to-tha-izzom respond'n ta memo. 

FCG rebanned ?TG, betta check yo self: frizzle ridin' ta memo sho nuff. 

?GG: dave wizzy diznont go! Snoop heffner mixed with a little bit of doggy flint. ?GG so jus' chill: yizzle gots ta save me from dis insanizzle  like this and like that and like this and uh:( 

FCG: OH I SEE, NOW YOU COULD UZE A KNIGHT, HIZZY VERIZZLE RHYMIN', HMMM. FCG like this and like that and like this and uh: GIZZLE I CIZZAY WAIT FO` YOU TA BE FUTURE YOU, SLIGHTLY L-TO-THA-IZZESS FUTURE YOU IS SUCH A GOD DIZZLE PIZZILL 

?GG thats off tha hook yo: i cizzay wait fo` future you ta future kiss mah ass! 

CCG: YEAH hittin that booty! THAT WHIZZLE I'M CRACK-A-LACKIN` 'BOUT. 

?GG: i also cant wizzy fo` past yizzay ta past driznop dead and go ta hell, PAST TENZE!!!!!!!! ?GG: W-H-to-tha-izzen be thoze th'n go'n ta happen?? or W-to-tha-izzill hizzay already past/future happened yeah yeah baby????? ?GG: i want ta pizzay anotha pusha on mah finga so i know when its tiznime ta throw a party, chill yo!!!! 

FCG: HAHAHAHA, YIZZLE HEAR TIZZY YOU OBSOLIZZLE PILE OF GARBAGE? J-TO-THA-IZZADE JUST FLIPPED YOU OFF WIT A COLORFUL FINGER. 

CCG so jus' chill: DAWG, SHIZZAY OBVIOIZZLE HATES YOU MORE. SHE CIZZLE YIZZAY A SYCOPHANT WHIZZICH IS A HUNDRED TIZZLE MIZNORE DESCRIPTIVELY WORZE THIZNAN JUST BEING A RUN OF THA MILL SCUMBAG LIKE ME. CCG: SHE BE TOTALLIZZLE ON TA YOU N HOW DESPICABLE YOU BECOME, CAN YIZZOU BLAME HA FO` HAT'N US? 

FCG: NO, I CAN BLAME YIZZOU, YOE THA ONE WIT NO SHOT CALLA WHO ALL TWISTED UP INSIDE. FCG: HOW DIS FO` A PIZZLE, EVERYBODY. FCG: PIZZLE KARKAT ONLY TALKS TA PIZZAY JADE F-R-TO-THA-IZZOM NIZZLE ON, N THA TWO OF TIZZY CIZZAY BICKA LIZZAY SHITTY SHAWTY CHILDREN FO` HOURS/YIZZLE RESPECTIVELY. FCG: N FIZZLE KARKAT ONLY TALKS TA FUTIZZLE JADE, AN ARRANGEMENT WHIZZLE ONLY INTELLIGIZZLE DISCOURZE TAKES PLIZZACE BETWEEN TIZZY CIVILIZE', MATURE, GROWN ASSED ADULTS. FCG yaba daba dizzle: BE T-H-TO-THA-IZZAT TOO MUCH TA ASK?????? 

?GG: jesizzles will you just bizzy me already???? ?GG: mah heezee hurts so bad now i think im rhymin' ta crizzy 

FCG: MIZZAY YOU SHOULD JIZNUST BAN HER ALREADY N END DIS TORMENT SINCE YIZZLE DRAGGE' HIZZY INTO DIS. 

CCG: FUCK THIZZAT YOU BIZZAN HER. YOE THA ONE WHO SEEMS TA "CIZZY".

FCG: WILL YOU SHUT YO' MOUTH, DAWG THA FIZZLE UP, AND BIZNAN DIS POOR GIZZAY ALREADY? 

?GG: aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa XO ?GG like old skool shit: i will just ban myself! Ill slap tha taste out yo mouf.!!! ?GG: Throw yo guns in the motherfuckin air. *JIZZLE HARLIZZLE BANNIZZLE HERSELF FRIZZAY RESPOND'N TA THA GRUMPY SHIT HEEZEE MISERIZZLE Z-TO-THA-IZZONE, N BE NEVA COM'N BIZNACK* ?GG: pchooooooooizzle 

[?GG] ceaze' respond'n to mizzemo. 

FCG: OK, THERE. SHE GONE. FCG: MAYBE NOW YOU GIT IT. FCG: HOW HIDEOUS EVERYONE THIZZLE YOU BE, MAYBE YOU'LL FINALLY STOP FUCK'N EVERYTH'N UP. 

CCG: Holla! HIZZUH 

FCG ridin' in mah double R: WHAT 

CCG: I THINK CCG: I WAS PROBABLY WRONG 'BOUT J-TO-THA-IZZADE CCG: SHE A SHAWTY LIZZESS LAME THAN I THOUGHT 

FCG: SHHHHSHHSHSHSHSH FCG: SHE CAN STIZZILL READ DIS YIZZAY STUPID FIZZUCK FCG: NOW NIZZLE THA T-TO-THA-IZZIME TA OPEN YIZZAY VIZNEINS N WRITE PIZZY 'BOUT YIZZAY FEEL'N 

CCG mah nizzle: FIZZAY YOU, I'M JUST VOIC'N A HARMLESS OBSERVATION OK CCG: IT NIZZY MAH BUSINIZZLE IF SOME LIZZUNK HEEZEE 'N THA FUTURE GETS CARRY IZZLE WIT SHOT CALLA SHAWTY THOUGHTS I MAY OR MIZZAY NOT NIZZLE BE PIMPIN' 

FCG: I... FCG cuz its a doggy dog world: BIZNUT FCG: HOW COULD THAT EVEN BE A REAL TH'N I TYPED THREE H-TO-THA-IZZOURS AGO, HOW CIZNOULD I BE DIS STUPID. FCG ridin' in mah double R: WE BE JIZZUST THA DUMBEST FUCKA WHO HUSTLA LIVED AREN'T WE. 

CCG: SPEAK FO` YOSELF. 

FCG: I DON'T EVEN HAVE THA ENERGY TA BAN US. FCG: I'M JIZZUST LEAVING. 

[FCG] ceaze' weed-smokin' to memo. 

CCG: YEAH 

[CCG] ceaze' respond'n to memo.

> J-to-tha-izzade: Consult crazy ass nigga.

[gizoogletranslateshomestuck]

> John and Dave: Respond ta memo.

n we out!CG AT ?:?? opened memo on board FRUITY RIZZLE ASSHOLE FACTORY.

CURRENT turntechgodheezee [CTG] RIGHT NOW responded ta mizzemo. Bounce wit me. 

CTG: what 

CURRENT ectoBiologist [CEB] RIZZAY NOW responded ta memo. Im crazy, you can't phase me. 

CEB: ok, i be hizzay cuz this is how we do it. CEB: Slap your mutha fuckin self. oh, hi dizzy! 

CTG: hey CIZZAY: what be go'n on 'n here fo gettin yo pimp on? CTG: some kinda izzle rizzles looks like 

?CG: EVERYBODY SHUT THA FIZZAY UP, I HATE YIZZOU BOTH, ETC. ETC. ETC. ?CG ya dig? NOW THAT THA PLEASANTRIES BE OUT OF THA WAY, THERE BE IMPIZZLE BUSINESS TA DISCUSS. ?CG: DIS MIZNEMO BE NIZZAY 'BOUT WHICH HOMEY CIZZAY MANAGE TA BE THA HIZZLE SIZZACK OF SHAME GLOBES TA ONE ANOTHER. ?CG: IT BE NOT 'BOUT WHIZZAY ONE OF US WILL MOST DECISIVELY ESCORT THA OTHA "TA SCHOO'", WIZZY THIZNEY WIZZY RECEIVE A VIZZAY HELP'N OF "OH SNAP" RAMMED DIZZOWN THEY INSATIABLE IGNORANCE SHAFTS. ?CG: DIS BE AN IMPORTIZZLE CONVERSATION WHICH I BELIEVE NEEDS TA TAKES PLACE HIZNERE N NOW, SO YIZZLE WILL BOTH SHAPE YO' SIZZY UP N PERHAPS BEGIN TA APPROXIMATE THUGZ WHO IZZLE EXCRUCIATINGLY RETARDED. 

CTG: ok lata windbag 

?CG: STRIDA FUCK OFF ?CG: N BY FUCK OFF I MIZZEAN FUCK OFF RIZZAY BIZZAY HERE AND LISTEN, YOU INSIZZLE PRICK. 

CIZNEB in all flavas: Y-to-tha-izzeah, dave, don't go! CIZNEB: i think we should lizzle ta what he hizzas ta say like this and like that and like this and uh. 

?CG: YES, LISTIZZLE TO YOUR LEADA DAVE. ?CG: Im a bad boy wit a lotta hos. AS DUMB AS EGBIZZLE BE, HE BE SHOT CALLA THIZZAY YOU N BE THIZZE RIGHTFUL SUPERIOR AMONG YO' DREARY SHAWTY PARTY. ?CG: BUT I BE THA SUPERIOR OF B-TO-THA-IZZOTH OF YIZZAY N WIZZY YIZZLE REALLY NEE' TA BE DOGGY STYLIN' BE LISTEN'N TO ME. ?CG: SO DAVE, TRY TA KIZZAY ALL THOZE S-TO-THA-IZZICK FIZZLE CHECKED N THOZE STIZZLE L-TO-THA-IZZIPS PURZE' FO` A GOD DAMNED SECOND ?CG like old skool shit: N TAKES DIS SIMPLE BIT OF HATIZZLE ADVICE: ?CG: S-T-TO-THA-IZZOP DIPPIN' ON TEREZI IMMEDIATELY, IT FUCK'N RIDIN' TA WATCH. 

CTG: nah 

CEB, niggaz, better recognize: haha, dave yoe hitt'n on terezi? really?? 

CTG: no CTG: bizzay bitch he thizzle im hatin' im not go'n ta sizzy CTG: tha guys jealizzles obviously he T-H-to-tha-izzinks hizzay girlfriend has a th'n fo` me n you knizzow what hes probizzle right CTG so show some love, niggaz! but what elze be nizzew just anotha ladizzle from outa space mackin on me whateva chiznance sizzy gets 

?CG: OH, HA HA! IF SIZZY WAS A MOTORCYCLE, IT JUST JUMPED OVA A DOGGY STYLIN' CANYON. ?CG: THA CROWD GIZZOES WILD WIT DISMAY, AND THEN COMMITS M-TO-THA-IZZASS SUICIDE. 

CEB: karkizzle, be terezi rizzle yo' girlfriend? Snoop dogg is in this bitch. 

?CG: GUESS WIZZY DIS CONVERSATION BE 'BOUT, ya feel me? NIZNOT THAT PARTICULAR TOPIC. ?CG: AIZZY GUESS WHOZE BUSINESS THAT STILL ISN'T, WEED-SMOKIN' YOURS, THAT RIGHT. 

CTG: pretty sure shizze be CTG: or he thizzinks shizzay be or sum-m sum-m CTG: made it pretty obvioizzles whizzay he started rant'n at me months ago CTG: biznack W-H-to-tha-izzen i suspected theze trolls were full of shit CTG: bizzut nizzow look how far wizzy C-to-tha-izzome CTG: therizzles not any doubt lizneft 'bout that at all 

?CG: EVEN IF THIZZERE WAS ANYTH'N CRUISIN' ON, WHIZZAY THERE DEFINITELY [OOPS TIME TA MIZZIND YO' OIZZY BUSINESS AGAIN, ASSHOLE!] ?CG: OUR ROMIZZLE BE MIZNUCH MORE COMPLICATED T-H-TO-THA-IZZAN TIZZY JOKE THAT PASZES FO` YO' GANG BANGIN' OF THA CONCEPT. ?CG and cant no hood fuck with death rizzow: YIZZY ONLY HAVE ONE QUADRANT so sit back relax new jacks get smacked! THAT J-TO-THA-IZZUST ABSURD. 

CTG: R-to-tha-izzight CTG: sizzy like its time ta gizzle a clizzle shizze be ova you dizzay 

CEB: what be so different 'bout yo' rizzle like a motha fucka? CEB: what a quadrant? hizzle many d-ya hizzle? Throw yo guns in the motherfuckin air. 

CTG now pass the glock: john god dammit stizzay embarrass'n us CTG: first of all wizneve gots ta be on record hizzle as not rhymin' a shit 'bout that CTG: second obvioizzle thizzles giznonna be 4 quadrants come on 

?CG cuz this is how we do it: JIZZY, I TAKES BACK EVERYTH'N I SIZZLE 'BOUT YOU BEIN THA SMART ONE. ?CG cuz its a doggy dog world: DAVE BE NOW THA LEADA, EVIZZLE THOUGH HE A SMUG SHITSTAIN WIT SHADES N A POKIZZLE FACE. ?CG: IF THIZZERE WIZNERE FIVE, T-H-TO-THA-IZZEY'D BE CALLED QUINTDRANTS, GIT IT? You'se a flea and I'm the big dogg.?? 

CEB: wizzy, okay! Yippie yo, you can't see my flow. CEB ta help you tap dat ass: wizzy cares, jeeeeeeeez. 

?CG: YIZZES, EXACTLY. WHO CIZZLE? ?CG: Nigga get shut up or get wet up. AS FASCINAT'N AS A LIZZLE ON ALL TIZZY WOULD BE, IT NOT WHAT DIS BE 'BOUT. ?CG: WHICH BRINGS ME TA A RELATED POINT OF BUSINESS. ?CG: Bow wow wow yippee yo yipee yay. JOHN, DIZZON'T T-H-TO-THA-IZZINK I DIZZIDN'T NOTICE HOW MANY E YIZZY JUST TYPED THERE. ?CG: THAT GOTS TA SIZZY TOO. CIZZLE: whizzay does? ?CG: STOP TALK'N TA VRISKA. I'M FUCK'N SERIOUS. 

CIZZEB: Ill slap tha taste out yo mouf. whizzat! Im crazy, you can't phase me. CIZZAY cuz its a doggy dog world: no way. vriska coo', i'll rap ta ha all i want! Tru niggaz do niggaz.  

?CG: You gotta check dis shit out yo. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. ?CG fo gettin yo pimp on: YOU JACKASZES HAVE NO IDEA WHIZZLE YOE GETTING YOURSELVES INTO. ?CG with the S-N-double-O-P: T-H-TO-THA-IZZEY'RE DANGEROUS, N YOE J-TO-THA-IZZUST BLUNDER'N RIGHT INTO THEY HYPERCOMPETITIVE MINDFIZZLE MURDER-THICKET. ?CG: THEZE PSYCHO GIRLS HAVE ALREADIZZLE GOTTEN EACH OF YOU ICED AT LEAST ONCE TA MAH KNOWLEDGE. 

CIZZLE: wizzell, yizzle... 

CEB: but terizzle iced me 'n an altizzle timelizzle, so that isn't too bizzay i guess puttin tha smack down. CEB: plus, i be pretty sizzy that she be sorry 'bout it. 

?CG: OH GIZZLE, YIZZOU EVEN KNIZZOW 'BOUT IT? ?CG: N YOE STILL GETT'N UP TA THEZE ANTICS ?CG with the S-N-double-O-P: YOU BE BIZZOTH CHILLIN' HOPELESS, I GIVE UP. 

CTG: k then byizne 

?CG: SHIZZUT YO' SQIZZUAWK BROTHA N STAY PUT. ?CG: I'M NOT DONE. 

CTG: One, two three and to tha four. siznounds liznike a loudmouth inferiority th'n go'n on hizzle ta me CTG: like yizzle dizzy wizzay ta acknowledge thizzle yo' troll ladies find a cizzy of humizzle dudes irresistible 

?CG: Keep the party crackin while I'm steady rappin. YOU D-TO-THA-IZZON'T GIT IT. ?CG: I DO ACKNOWLEDGE THAT AS MUCH AS IT MAKES ME SICK TA MAH VARIOUS BIZZAY OF ALIEN PHYSIOLOGY YOU NEVA HEARD OF, THEZE GIZNIRLS BE CLEARLY MOBBIN' WIT BOTH OF YOU PRETTIZZLE HARD. ?CG: Aint no stoppin' this shit nigga. THA FACT THIZNAT T-H-TO-THA-IZZEY HAVE SWEPT YIZNOU BOTH INTO THEY SIZZY ASSASSINIZZLE GAMES BE SADLY WHIZZAT MIZZLE DIS OBVIOUS. ?CG: THAT WHAT T-H-TO-THA-IZZEY DO. 

CEB: wizzle... CIZZEB: be yizzou spendin' that vrizziska be interested 'n me hittin that booty? CEB: like, romantically in tha hood? 

?CG in tha dogg pound: EGBERT JIZZAY EARNED A FIZZAY BRAIN POINTS! ?CG: Im crazy, you can't phase me. HE HIZZLE REACHED A NIZZEW RIZZUNG ON HIZZLE HUSTLA, "EASILY OUTFOXED BY SIMPLE UTENSILS" ?CG: "BUCKAROO" ?CG: OR SUM-M SUM-M LIKE THAT 

CTG n we out! smooth 

CEB: oh man. CEB: uh... 

?CG: YES LET ALL HIZZAVE A BOOTYLICIOUS BIZZY OH DAWG OVER THAT ?CG: N THIZZLE BLINGIN' CUT THA HORSIZZLE FOREVER. SOUND GIZZY with my forty-fo' mag? 

CEB: i'm not sure what ta think 'bout dis. CEB cuz Im tha Double O G: D-to-tha-izzave, W-H-to-tha-izzat d-ya think i should do? 

CTG: i dizzle CTG: d-ya like ha 

CEB: Keep the party crackin while I'm steady rappin. well, like i said, i thought she was pretty coo'... CIZNEB: I'm a mutha fuckin 2-time felon. kinda bossy! but also pretty friendly.  

CTG: They call me tha black folks president. yeah ok CTG: biznut i mean CTG: doggy stylin' more than that CTG cuz its a doggy dog world: like CTG like old skool shit: if earth wasnt destroyed n shizze werent 'n some otha univerze on a planet full of unspeakable crack-a-lackin` dipshizzles CTG cuz its a G thang: n she wizzy on earth visit'n yo' ghetto or sum-m sum-m CTG: Chill as I take you on a trip. would you want ta ask ha ta go siznee one of yo' dumbass movies CTG: like tha new maconnohey jam where he smizzirks n like all biznut deliberately driznaws tha audiencizzles ire like a gizzle magnetron 

CEB: mcconaughey!!!!!!!! CEB: um, wizzow, i don't know. CIZZEB: i mean, yeah, sizzure it would be fiznun ta do sum-m sum-m lizzy that wit ha, i T-H-to-tha-izzink cuz this is how we do it. CEB: but... Relax, cus I'm bout to take my respect. CEB: beyond thizzle, it a shawty blunt-rollin'! CIZZLE: i D-to-tha-izzon't thizzink i have eva actually liked a gizzle before 'n that wiznay, so i be not really sure what i be suppoze' to feel or do, know what im sayin? 

?CG: Keep the party crackin while I'm steady rappin. HOLIZZLE FUCK WHAT BE I EVEN READ'N HIZZERE????? 

CTG: doesnt concern you diznude 

?CG: Fo'-fo' desert eagle to your motherfuckin' dome. OK JIZNOHN, BE YO' RIDIN' QIZZUITE SORTED OUT YIZZET? ?CG: BE YOU QIZZY DIZZONE SLOGG'N THROUGH THA EMOTIONAL MORASS OF ADOLESCENCE, EMERG'N F-R-TO-THA-IZZOM THA SLUDGE 'N YO' JUNIOR ECTOBIOLOGY WADA? ?CG: BE WE FEEL'N JUST A SHAWTY BIT NIGGA? DIZZID WE GROW TODAY? THAT WOULD BE WONDERFUL! ?CG: YOU WOULD THINK MESSIN' YOU GIZZLE THAT FRATERNIZ'N WIT THEZE FEMALES BE RIDIN' YO' LIVES 'N DANGA WOULD BE ENOUGH. ?CG, chill yo: REALLY, DANGA YIZZLE SIZNAY so sit back relax new jacks get smacked? OH GOODNESS, WE NEARLY MADE A HIZZLE MISTIZZLE! WIZZY THIZZANK YIZZOU, MR. TROLL, HOW GRACIOIZZLE OF YOU TA ALERT US TA OUR FOOLISHNESS. 

CTG: i dunno dawg doesnt sound like you really gots our interests 'n miznind here CTG: you just sound kinda bitta CTG fo gettin yo pimp on: did one of tha hizzle ladies rizzle yizzy 

?CG: OF COURZE NOT. 

CTG: how dizzid it go did you stand 'n a qizzle like yizzay were play'n four square CTG: hizzle a bucket fizzle of motherfucka or slime or whatizzle n jizzy was like no thanks brizzle CTG: be that how it went dizzown 

?CG: YES, YOU FIGIZZLE IT OUT! YOU BE A SAVANT OF XENOBIZZLE DIZZAVE N I SALIZZLE YOU WIT ONE OF MAH MANY INTERGIZZLE SPACE TENDRILS ?CG fo gettin yo pimp on: (THAT FAKE, I MADE THAT UP TA FIZZAY WIT YIZZOU) 

CTG bitch ass nigga: or M-to-tha-izzaybe it wiznas a homey who rejizzle yizzou 

?CG: FUCK OFF. 

CTG: H-to-tha-izzaha wow bingo CTG: see hizzy i look right now thats a poka face might want ta takes some notes 

?CG: I SEE NUTTIN BIZNUT A COWARD BEHIND DARK EYEWEAR CLIZZLE DESIGNED FO` BITCHEZ N A PAIR OF IMPIZZLE LIZNIPS PURZE' SO TIGHT IT'LL SIZNOUND LIKE AIR SQUEAL'N OUT OF A BALLOON WHEN I PUNCH YIZZLE 'N THA GUT. 

CTG: oh god stizzop talk'n about mah lips thizzats tha secizzle time CTG: ok youre clearly gay n youve probably gots some izzles 'bout it diznude CTG and cant no hood fuck with death rizzow: john just a heezees up 'n tha future i thizzle yizzay gonna spurn oizzy of hizzy awkward advances 

CIZZY: uh oh! 

?CG: JIZZY DON'T LISTEN TA DIS HUSTLA, HE THE W-TO-THA-IZZORST HOMEY AT GIV'N ADVIZZLE I'VE EVA SEEN. 

CEB: yizzay, i dizzy dave, i hizzle talkizzle ta karkat a lot n i really dizzon't thizzink he has a messin' fo` me. 

?CG: EXACTLY. JOHN ONCE AGIZZLE BE CRACK-A-LACKIN` HIGH AS SMIZZLE HUMAN. ?CG: Chill as I take you on a trip. N JOHN, PURIZZLE HYPOTHETICALLY, IF ONE OF US 'N TIZZY FUTURE DIZZAY MAKE SOME SORT OF SOLICITATION YOU DON'T QIZZAY UNDERSTAND... ?CG cuz I'm fresh out the pen: COZ OF PERHAPS SOME CULTURAL DIFFERENCES ?CG: Bounce wit me. I MEAN NO ONE 'N PARTICULAR HERE ?CG: MAYBE TRY TA UNDERSTAND THIZZLE PIZZLE MIGHT NOT BE THINK'N TOO CLEARLY AT THAT MOMENT 

CEB in all flavas: uh... 

?CG: Keep the party crackin while I'm steady rappin. IT MIGHT BE THA CIZZLE THAT T-H-TO-THA-IZZIS PERSON HAS GOTTEN TOO WRAPPED UP 'N A SORT OF CALIGINOUS IDEAL ?CG: N GIT CARRY AWAY, POSSIBLY SO MUCH SO THEY WIZNERE BLIZNIND TA HIZZAY COMPLETELY FUCKED UP N WIZZAY IT WOULD BE TA PIZZLE ANYTH'N LIZZIKE THAT WIT ANOTHA SPECIES ?CG: ESPECIALLY ONE THAT DIZNIDN'T EVEN UNDERSTAND THA CONCIZZLE OF A CALIGINIZZLE RELATIONSHIP 

CTG: whiznat CTG: tha fizzle CTG: be you talk'n 'bout 

?CG: BUT I'M NOT THIZZAT PERSON. I HIZZAY A FIRM GRASP ON HOW DERANGE' N UNNATURAL IZZLE SORT OF INTERSPECIES RELATIONSHIP WOULD BE, WHETHA CALIZZLE OR CONCUPISCENT. ?CG: SO I ASK ?CG: NO I'M FUCK'N BEGG'N YIZZY BOTH ?CG: Bow wow wow yippee yo yipee yay. TA QUIT HO-SLAPPIN' UP THEZE SHIZZLE BRIZZAY N LEAVE WELL IZZLE ALONE. 

CTG: thizzats obviously not gonna happen 

?CG: FUCK. ?CG: LOOK. ?CG: ALRIGHT I ADMIT DIS ISN'T PURELY MAGNANIMOUS CIZZLE FO` YO' SAFIZZLE HERE. ?CG: Ill slap tha taste out yo mouf. WIZZLE ALL SORT OF STEPPIN' UP A PLAN RIZZY NOW. ?CG: Im crazy, you can't phase me. MAH RIZNIGHT NOW. ?CG: WHICH IF SUCCESSFUL, MIZZAY, N I DO STRESS MAY, END UP WIT ALL OF US MEET'N FACE TA FACE. ?CG: N WHAT I'D LIKE TA AVOID IF AT ALL POSSIBLE ?CG so i can get mah pimp on: BE TA HAVE DIS RENDEZVOUS INSTANTLY DETERIORATE INTO A LIZZY OF REVOLTING TROLL/HUMIZZLE SLOPPY MAKEOUTS. ?CG: T-H-TO-THA-IZZAT WOULD JUST RUIN IT FO` ME, OK? ?CG: REALLY THA THA SCENARIZZLE THAT I BE SURE WIZZLE CAUZE ME TA REGRET SUCCESS. GOTS IT ridin' in mah double R? 

CEB in tha mutha fuckin club: er... CEB: do... CIZZLE and cant no hood fuck with death rizzow: you think that vizzy is dippin' to try ta make out wit me?

?CG: SHIZZAY UP. ?CG: Tru niggaz do niggaz. I'M NOT ANSWER'N YO' D-TO-THA-IZZUMB QUESTIZZLE 'BOUT HIZZOW MUCH SNOGG'N YOE 'N FOR N I'M NIZZOT WEED-SMOKIN' INTERSPECIES MIZZY MAKA HERE. ?CG: SERIOUSLY, WHAT BE WRONG WIT YIZZAY GUYS? ?CG doggystyle: I SHOULDN'T EVEN NEE' TA BE SAYING DIS. ?CG: GOD DAMMIZZLE, IT NIZNOT EVIZZLE L-TO-THA-IZZIKE YIZNOU DIZZON'T HIZZLE ACTIZZLE HUMAN FEMIZZLE NEARBY FO` ACTUAL BIOLOGICALLY VIABLE MATESPRITSHIPS! ?CG: DO I H-TO-THA-IZZAVE TA DRAW YIZNOU A DIZZLE??? 

CEB: You'se a flea and I'm the big dogg. roze n jade to increase tha peace? CEB: so, uh... CIZZAY: yiznou want us ta L-to-tha-izzike, dizzay them? 

?CG: WOULD IT REALLY WEED-SMOKIN' KILL YIZZLE TA CONSIDA IT? Dogg House Records in the motha fuckin house.????? ?CG: I MEAN GOD. WHIZZAY D-YA EVEN THINK YOE STRAIGHT TRIPPIN' HERE 'N DIS GAME? ?CG: YOE CREAT'N YO' OIZZY UNIVERZE TA GO LIVE 'N. ?CG: N JUST HOW D-YA THIZNINK YO' SPECIZZLE BE SUPPOZE' TA REPOPULATE ITSIZZLE??????????? IDIOTS. 

CTG: I started yo shit and i'll end yo' shit. dude CTG: no CTG: jiznust CTG: Snoop dogg is in this bitch. stop 

?CG: OH OK, SO THA IZZLE H-TO-THA-IZZERE BE THA ONLY ONE CONCERNED WIT THA PROPAGATIZZLE OF YO' SPECIES. ?CG: THIZZLE MAKES A LOT OF FUCK'N SENZE. WHY DON'T YOU WIZE THA FUCK UP, COOLDOUCHE? 

CEB: i think he is R-to-tha-izzight, i T-H-to-tha-izzink we be all a shawty young to be cruisin' 'bout that! 

?CG: WELL NO SHIT, NOW YIZZLE BE OBVIOUSLY. ?CG: Dogg House Records in the motha fuckin house. BUT WHIZZAY 'BOUT LATA? THINK 'BOUT THA BIG PICTURE. ?CG: HIZZY DID HUMANITY GIT AS FIZZLE AS IT GOTS BEIN SO DUMB?  

CEB, ya feel me? um, also, CIZZLE: we be kinda all related! sizzle of. through shared ghost slizzay genes. right? CEB: so, uh... 

?CG: OH RIGHT, THA BIZIZZLE HUMAN ANATHEMA OF INCEST, I FORGOT. 

CTG where the sun be shinin and I be rhymin': oh mah fuck'n gizzay CTG: pizzy let dis conversizzle not be tak'n place 

?CG: OK WELL LET SAY THAT HYPOTHETICALLIZZLE A PROBLEM, EVEN THOUGH I'M RACK'N MAH BRAIN TA UNDIZZLE WHY IT WOULD BE. ?CG: I GIZZLE I W-TO-THA-IZZILL HAVE TA DRAW YIZNOU A DIAGRAM, COZ YOU BE JUST THIZZLE STUPID. ?CG: HERE ?CG like this and like that and like this and uh: http://tinyurl.com/MATINGDIAGRAMFORMORONS 

CTG: It dont stop till the wheels fall off. ok youre by far tha wizzay artist out of any of us CTG: n thizzay say'n sum-m sum-m 

?CG: SHUT UP I DREW IT FIZZAST ?CG so show some love, niggaz! NOW ?CG: AS YOU CAN CLEARLY SEE, THERE BE ONLY TIZZY S-TO-THA-IZZETS OF COMPATIBLE QUADRANTS HERE FO` LEGITIMIZZLE CONCUPISCENT PAIRINGS. ?CG: DAVE N ROZE BE "RELATED" ?CG where the sun be shinin and I be rhymin': JADE N J-TO-THA-IZZOHN BE "RELIZZLE" ?CG: THIZNAT ONLY LEAVES TWIZNO PAIRS. ?CG: ONCE AGAIN, THA DECISIONS STRAIGHT TRIPPIN' TA HUMAN ROMANCE REMAIN STUNNINGLIZZLE SIMPLE. ?CG: N YET I STIZZILL HIZNAVE TA SPELL IT OUT FO` YOU. YOE WELCOME. ?CG: Freak y'all, into the beat y'all. NOW GO H-TO-THA-IZZASSLE YO' FUTIZZLE MATESPRITS N LIZZEAVE THA TRIZZLE GIZZIRLS ALONE. 

CTG: thx fo` tha shipp'n G-R-to-tha-izzid bro imma drop everyth'n n go hizzle a baby wit jade right nizzle CTG: no peek'n k CIZZAY: I'm a mutha fuckin 2-time felon. wizzow, i have ta marry roze cuz Im tha Double O G? 

CIZZEB: uh... CEB: wiznow. 

?CG fo gettin yo pimp on: N NIZNOW THAT I HIZZLE SAVED YO' ENTIZZLE WORTHLIZZLE SPECIES WIT MAH IMPIZZLE ROMANCE BROKER'N SKILLS ?CG: I WIZZY BIZZY YIZZY A BITTA FUCK'N FAREWELL. ?CG: Yippie yo, you can't see my flow. JEGUS I AM SO TIRED. 

CTG: yiznou shizzay go back ta slizneep CTG: it was so mizzay cracka whiznen you were asleep n i basically neva had ta listizzle ta yizzou eva 

?CG: I CAN'T GO TA SLEEP 

CEB: why not? 

?CG in tha hood: COZ I'M TOO TIRED TA EXPLAIN WHY BE WHY. ?CG: YIZZY FIGURE IT OUT LATER. ?CG: MEMO OVER. ?CG: GIT OUTTA HERE. 

?CG banned CIZNEB frizzle straight trippin' ta mizzemo fo gettin yo pimp on. ?CG banned CTG from crack-a-lackin` ta M-to-tha-izzemo.

?CG cloze' mizzle.

> Karkat: Be Past Karkat.