#quote i liked from my existentialism homework

[arguablysomaya]

"…for it is not what happens to me that makes me great, but what I do,"

-Søren Kierkegaard, Fear and Trembling

[a-littlebitof-nonsense]

“… if the whole complex lives of many people go on unconsciously, then such lives are as if they had never been.”

~Leo Tolstoy’s Diary, entry date March 1, 1897 (excerpt found in Victor Shklovsky’s ‘Art as Technique’ (1917))

“If no one in the entire world cared about you, did you really exist at all?”

~Cassandra Clare, Clockwork Angel, 2010

[scorpioracha]

Dating Jisung

Hey guys!! I’m so sorry for the wait on sungie, College has been beating my ass💀 but it is almost sungie day so I have a special surprise for y’all then as a repayment for my month long ✨hiatus✨🥲 yktv likes,reblogs,comments and cute lil tags make my heart happy. I hope you enjoy!!

-where do I begin with this boy? When it comes to dating Jisung first and foremost you are never alone. He’s always with you in some way,shape or form, whether physically in the room,on the phone or in tiny little notes around the house.

-Like many of the boys it’s giving very much so friends to lovers. But the line where you went from friends to lovers is honestly quite blurred. Y’all don’t even have an anniversary 💀

-But he’s not one for big spectacles or holidays anyways. It makes him anxious and he’d rather show his appreciation for you in other ways—he’s a quality time kind of guy.

-take them tiddies out cause he tryna see ‘em am to the pm double d ‘em and he need ‘em😫

-Jisung loves him some tiddies. He loves big tiddies,small tiddies,saggy tiddies,perky tiddies,etc. He does not discriminate, if he can get his hands or his mouth on them he’s a happy man.

-the type to just stick his hands up your shirt when you’re alone. Those are no longer just your tiddies, but with the amount of pretty bras he buys you, he’s definitely pulling his weight.

-I can not stress how the line between platonic and romantic simply had not existed between the two of you in years

-Whatever boundaries may have existed between the two of you absolutely melted into particles and floated into the stratosphere

-they say not to get too comfortable in your relationship too early but you guys have always been extremely comfy with each other. Very much so taking a shit in the bathroom while you’re in the shower

-Late night cuddles on the couch watching whatever anime catches your his eye. He has a bad habit of quoting dialogue and spoiling the plot

“And then because Itadori is like this sporty ass dude he-“

“Sung. I will end you.”

-Since sungie is apart of the introvert line a lot of your dates are just chilling at home or going to secluded areas to sit and talk.

-The park at night, the beach early in the morning, his s t u d i o

-half the time you’re with Jisung you’re in the studio with him. You’ve got your own little desk in there to do homework and he keeps a pillow and blanket—plus stuffed animals that he will deny are his—for you in case you come in sleepy

-the best to be around when you’re anxious or overwhelmed. He doesn’t mind sitting in silence with you just so you have another soul there.

-Your university is roughly in the same area as the company building—you guys planned it that way back when you were long distance👉🏾👈🏾—so he gets into the habit of meeting you after class. Usually at a little cafe or something so he can get all the tea about your day

-Jisung is a bit of a nerd. He’s the boyfriend who genuinely enjoys helping you with your homework. One of his love languages is acts of service his other one is being nosey cause wtf are you learning he tryna see somethin real quick🤨

-Late night conversations that only slightly border on existential and leave the both of you too freaked to sleep. Those nights end in the tv being turned on to whatever lighthearted shit is on at 2am

-He can be a cuddle bug when he wants to be. Sometimes he wants his space but other times he is latched to your back as you’re getting ready for class in the morning.

-but like any other member, when there’s Jisung, there’s seven other men you didn’t sign up for

-the amount of times you have woken up with another member *cough cough Felix-* in bed with y’all💀

“Good morning y/n, morning sung🥰☺️” headass😒

-In a similar vain congrats! You’ve just been added to the Maknae line. Enjoy your stay because there is no way out-

-Honestly Chan and Minho are so stressed they wouldn’t even notice another person in the dorms💀

Chan: Hi Felix,hi Jeongin,hi Y/n, hi Jis-Y/N???!

NSFW

-Needy.

-That is one of the only words I could use to describe sex with Jisung. Rushed half kisses, bruises from holding each other too tight, panties ripped at the seams, ✨the works✨

-my strictly dom Jisung besties, this is not the place for you to be. This baby is a switch with a HEAVY sub lean. He wants to be taken care of and cooed at and babied *cough cough mommy kink cough cough*

-But he is surprisingly not one of our pillow princes. No no no, we’ve got another service top right here. He’s the type to rail you into next week while you yank at a leash around his neck.

-He wants to fuck you until you’re seeing stars and then have you deny him of his pleasure over and over and over again until he’s pussy drunk and crying.

-If you’re both subby? Prepare for neither of you to have the brain cell in that current moment. Aftercare items will be laid out before hand and you guys will honestly just go at it until you both pass out.

-Jisung is so fucking intuitive but also the dumb of ass. He’s not going to know you want to sub for him if you don’t tell him. There’s no dropping hints, no shy subtle blah blah blah—you literally have to sit him down and spell it out clear as day. That’s when the puzzle pieces start clicking for him and he becomes the most smug motherfucker known to man.

-This boy may have a sub lean but he’s got a degradation kink that goes both ways. He’s going to have his cock shoved down your throat and chastise you for choking on it. All the while you’re sitting there like ???!

-The duality of this man.

-He wants you fucked out and drooling for him until the only things you can verbalize are please and thank you.

-But domming is vulnerable for him the same way subbing is for a lot of people. It means he trusts you. It doesn’t come naturally to him so he trusts that you’ll let him know if he’s doing good for you or pushing your limits or anything of that sort. It makes his heart all squishy and shit and usually comes to him while he’s rearranging your guts.

-Even when he’s domming he can never be collected for long. He can’t fucking edge you.

-He just can’t.

-He doesn’t have the patience,he’s weak for your puppy dog eyes and he can’t stand denying you anything. He’s an overstimulation kind of guy.

-not really an honorifics or titles kind of man, much more prefers to hear you scream his name.

[themadearl]

~Master Post~

[Updated 5/4/2023]

A compilation of all the short writing posts I have done. Does not include incorrect quotes. Currently, the only fandom I write in is twisted wonderland.

[General]

Asks or writing where Yuu doesn’t have romantic feelings to anyone. Usually includes a wide cast of characters unless specified.

~ Protect Yuu Club (Yandere! au) ~

Heartslabyul Edition + Extra

Savanaclaw Edition  + Extra

Octavinelle Edition  + Extra

~                       .❈.                         ~

Yuu has a sleepover

RSA tries to woo Yuu

Yuu kisses Adeuce for BFF day

Archery club leader! Yuu

Yuu suffers from period pain

Valentines day

Reaction of twst bois receiving valentines chocolate

School trip to the beach [Part 1]

Kissing maniac! Yuu

Vigilante! Yuu

Beans day against RSA

Overprotective dads! NRC staff

Yuu goes to RSA to deliver valentine chocolates and gets kidnapped

NRC and RSA has a joint cultural ball

Yuu is challenged to a swordfight and she wins

Twst bois react to model student Yuu cursing

Yuu plays the piano (Jamil)

RSA tries to kidnap Yuu

Yuu is poor af and has no personal items

Yuu loses her voice and can’t talk

Yuu thinks she has gained weight and twst bois react

Yuu skipped grades and is younger than everyone Part 1

Yuu skipped grades and is younger than everyone Part 2]

Extremely wholesome and heartwarming Yuu

Foodie Yuu Part 1

Foodie Yuu & Lilia’s cooking Part 2

Foodie Yuu & during a bad mood Part 3

Foodie Yuu & the reason why she enjoys Lilia’s cooking Part 4

The dangers of beastman and merpeople

Yuu gets turned into a mermaid Part 1

Yuu gets pricked by a needle on a spinning wheel and needs true love’s kiss

Yuu attends Vargas Camping Event

Yuu gets wings and is not having fun

Roller Skating Waitress! Yuu

Yuu becomes Cinderella in a weird fever dream

A Dragon’s Hoarding Habits (Malleus)

Yuu gets isekai’d and cries

Fem!Yuu gets turned into Male!Yuu via potion

[Romance]

~  Noble Lady Yulean AU  ~

Description

Riddle Rosehearts

~                  .♔.                   ~

Soulmate AU (Floyd, Jade) Part 1

Soulmate AU (Floyd, Jade) Part 2

Soulmate AU (Malleus)

What it’s like to attract the attention of an eel (Floyd)

Protect Yuu Club ver + dorm leaders react to accidentally being kissed (Riddle, Leona, Azul)

Idia & Yuu dancing to merry go round of life from howl’s moving castle

Idia helps Yuu with homework

Malleus gives Yuu nicknames

Yuu wakes up in the future married to Floyd Part 1 + Extra

Yuu gets bothered by an overzealous admirer

Relationship dynamics: proud x shy (Floyd)

Yuu goes on a date with Deuce, chaos ensues

Yuu does a dumb bet and uses pick up lines on Leona

Responses of various twst boys to “I want a baby”

“Stop leaving dead bodies in my kitchen.” (Floyd)

“My blood on you is the perfect makeup.” (Floyd)

Love at one sight (Trey)

Twisted Wonderland with Affection Bars (Yandere) + Ending Snippet

Reactions of twst boys from responses after saying “I love you”

[Headcannons]

Yuu with a good voice

Yandere headcannons (Deuce, Floyd, Jade)

Yandere headcannons (Vil, Idia)

Angsty headcannons if Yuu decides to stay (Azul, Malleus, Jamil, Idia)

[Crossovers]

~Genshin Impact~

Yuu as a god of divination Part 1

Yuu as a god of divination Part 2

[Misc]

Mostly asks that I answered which aren’t quite as long but were entertaining. Asks are usually under the tag of this & this.

Yuu sings love songs & twst boys react

RSA and the ghost bride

Dorm leaders answering to Yuu who asks to borrow them for an hour

Vice dorm leaders (and non actual vice leaders) answering to Yuu who asks to borrow them for an hour 

Yuu and Adeuce fights over a couch + Jack shows up

Beans day part 2 where the twst bois fight over Yuu

[Chatroom] Yuu goes through existential dread

When is Yuu’s birthday?

Yuu asks Azul to dispose a body

Yuu on her off-days

[chaeryybomb]

BRUTAL

pairings: female reader x best friend!jungwon

summary: they told you that these were the golden years, but to you "golden" was a rusting metal spray painted yellow. the story of a seventeen year old trying to survive high school when all you do is try your best. but your best friend jungwon makes it worth the while. 

genre: high school au, friends to lovers, fluff, tiny bits of angst if you squint, attempt at humour

featuring: jang wonyoung, kim sunoo & nishimura riki 

word count: 4.5k 

warnings: reader having a existential crisis most of the time, strong language, mentions of insecurity

the sour series masterlist

You slumped forward the moment the bell rang, letting your head hit the table. You could care less if a bruise would form on your forehead, you had much bigger things to worry about. Your teacher left the class wordlessly as the class was busy doing their own thing. And by that, everyone was buried nose deep in studying. You lifted your head to see the different books of the same topic scattered on your desk, a yellow highlighter balancing on the edge of your table.

Reaching over to grab the highlighter, you turned your head over to the side to look at your desk mate. Wonyoung sat there looking straight out from a k-drama, with her hair flowing down her back perfectly and her slender nimble fingers moving as she continuously wrote in her notebook. She was smart too, fluent in English and Korean, great at maths and science. And on top of that she was kind and friendly, everyone loved her. You did too, you had the honour of calling her your best friend. But sometimes you felt insecure around her, everything she did looked flawless and there you were just trying your best.

"Ack!" You yelped as you sat up straight, holding your forehead. Wonyoung rolled her eyes at you with a small smile on her lips, she had flicked your forehead to get you out of your thoughts.

Without taking her eyes off the textbook, she tapped your own workbook with her pen. Silently telling you to stop procrastinating. You pouted at her and looked at the clock, 10 minutes before lunch. Maybe a walk to the girl's bathroom would do you some good.

"I'm gonna go to the bathroom," you whispered to Wonyoung. She nodded and smiled at you before you walked out.

As you strolled towards the girl's bathroom, you passed by the bulletin board outside your class. A bright blue poster stood out with the words "ENJOY YOUR YOUTH" in white. Scoffing at the message, you continued on your way.

"I'm seventeen now, where's my fucking teenage dream?" You muttered to yourself. You were tired of waiting for your life to end up like a coming of age movie. Everyone told you that these were the golden years and you should enjoy your youth, but you swear to god if you hear another one of those cheesy sayings, you might just cry on the spot.

Reaching over to open the stall door, you halt in your actions when you heard familiar voices talking.

"I'm so worried for finals, my parents are gonna kill me if I fail English again," a girl complained. You hear the sound of tap water running. "How are you so calm during this time, Mirae?'

"What's the use of studying hard anyways," the second girl, Mirae, said. "We all know the top spots are gonna be taken by Jang Wonyoung and Yang Jungwon, I just study enough to pass."

The other girl snorted at her reply. "Imagine if those two got together, the power couple of the year," she suddenly said.

"Poor Y/N then, she's gonna be over shadowed by them."

"As if she already isn't. I almost forgot they were a trio until you mentioned Y/N," the girl laughed.

"What can I say? They're out of her league," Mirae joined in with her laughter.

The two voices faded away as you heard the door closed. Finally pushing the door open, you looked at your reflection. Your eyebrows knitted in annoyance and your face was morphed in a scowl. You washed your hands aggressively and poked the inside of your cheek. What bugged you was that they were right. You were the black sheep between Wonyoung and Jungwon. Both of them were smart and amazing, and you're just…you.

You love your best friends, you truly do. But you were constantly compared to them and you hated it. Everyone wanted them, you watched as guys tripped over to confess to Wonyoung and girls squealing when Jungwon smiled at them. The two of them always reassured you that you weren't beneath them but you were sick of their sympathy. You're so caught up in the news of who likes you and who hates them. You just wished people liked you more.

Storming out of the bathroom, someone accidentally ran into you and caused you to fell onto your butt. The student immediately stood up and scurried off, not bothering to even a mutter an apology. All I did was try my best and this is the thanks I get, you thought bitterly.

They said that these were the golden years, but you wished you could just disappear. God, it's brutal out here.

"Y/N, wait up!" Jungwon called after you.

You stopped in your tracks as you watched Jungwon waved goodbye to some students before jogging towards you.

"You heading to cram school today?" He asked you as the both of you fell into the same walking rhythm.

You shook your head, clasping your hands behind. "I moved it to Thursday instead, Wonyoung said I had to many things on Tuesday," you told him. Originally, you would be heading to the library to study before heading over to the cram school. But Wonyoung took one look at your schedule and decided that you did not had enough breaks, so she managed to convince you to take the Thursday slot instead. Thursdays are one of the days where you would not go to the library.

Jungwon seemed to be disappointed to find out that you had switched slots. Maybe he should changed slots too, but does he have any empty spots open for Thursday though? He'd have to check later. Instead, he coughed and stuffed his hands into his pockets.

"Do you wanna come over later? The new Demon Slayer movie is out," he offered, hoping that you'd accept.

Unfortunately, you once again shook your head. "Sorry Jungwon, I'd want to cram even more later. Finals are really creeping in and I can't afford to waste any time," you told him with a sad smile. As much as you would like to ditch the books and watch Demon Slayer, the glaring C on your last history paper was telling you otherwise.

You stopped walking when you had reached your doorstep. "Thanks for walking me home, Jungwon. See you tomorrow!" and with that you disappeared behind the door.

Jungwon waved goodbye as he watched the door closed. The smile on his face dropped and his shoulder sagged. Jungwon you idiot, of course she would want to study, he scolded himself. With disappointment on his face, he trudged home with a heavy heart.

"Change of plans, guys," he announced as he swung the front door open, unfazed by the fact that Riki and Sunoo were lounging on his coach. He accepted the fact that Sunoo had somehow gotten the keys to his house (suspecting that his mother probably gave it to him due to favouritism or maybe Riki had sneakily made a copy).

Riki's head poked out from the couch. "She rejected you, didn't she," the younger boy said with a smirk.

Jungwon's face ears turned red as he glared at the boy. "No she did not!" He immediately told him. "She rejected the offer to watch the movie, that's different!"

"That's basically rejection, hyung," Riki laughed.

The other boy just glared at him. "Shut up!" he sputtered out before hiking up the stairs.

Sunoo gave Riki a look, to which the Japanese boy just shrugged his shoulders innocently.

Jungwon walked out from the shower, a towel around his neck with one hand running through his damp hair. Sunoo and Riki had left earlier, finally giving him some peace and quiet. His phone screen was flashing from his study table, initiating that someone was spamming him (quite aggressively) with text message. With a raised eyebrow, he picked up his phone

[7:09 pm] wonyoung: JUNGWON

[7:09 pm] wonyoung: JUNGWON

[7:09 pm] wonyoung: JUNGWON

[7:10 pm] wonyoung: WHY DID Y/N JUST MESSAGED ME ABOUT HOMEWORK

[7:10 pm] wonyoung: ISNT SHE WITH YOU

[7:11 pm] wonyoung: I THOUGHT YOU SAID U WERE GONNA WATCH A MOVIE

[7:11 pm] wonyoung: DEMON HUNTER OR SMTG

[7:12 pm] wonyoung: WHY IS SHE ASKING ME FOR HW

[7:12 pm] wonyoung: DID U CHICKEN OUT???

[7:13 pm] wonyoung: omg u chickened out didnt u

[7:14 pm] jungwon: jfc wonyoung

[7:15 pm] jungwon: and no i did not chicken out okay

[7:15 pm] jungwon: she declined

[7:16 pm] jungwon: she said she had to study ;-;

[7:17 pm] wonyoung: omg u suck

[7:17 pm] wonyoung: i told u the movie idea was dumb

[7:18 pm] wonyoung: but do u ever listen to me

[7:18 pm] wonyoung: no

[7:19 pm] wonyoung: and now u suffer the consequences

[7:20 pm] jungwon: yea yea i get it im dumb

[7:20 pm] jungwon: now what's ur solution the great jang wonyoung

[7:21 pm] wonyoung: i am so glad u asked :)

[7:21 pm] jungwon: oh no

[7:21 pm] wonyoung: stfu im giving u a better idea

[7:22 pm] wonyoung: a n y w a y s

[7:22 pm] wonyoung: my ynradar is going off and she's s a d

[7:23 pm] jungwon: how would u know

[7:23 pm] jungwon: she seemed fine today

[7:23 pm] wonyoung: stfu jungwon its best friend things u wont understand

[7:24 pm] jungwon: i-

[7:25 pm] wonyoung: and as her future bf u SHOULD start to train ur ynradar

[7:25 pm] wonyoung: anw its exam season stoopid

[7:26 pm] wonyoung: and its when those kids start to talk abt how the both of us are gonna get top scores

[7:26 pm] wonyoung: and they talk down on y/n while doing so

[7:26 pm] wonyoung: assholes

[7:27 pm] wonyoung: so i propose to u

[7:27 pm] wonyoung: a ✨ study date ✨

[7:28 pm] jungwon: i

[7:29 pm] jungwon: that's

[7:29 pm] jungwon: actually not a bad idea

[7:30 pm] wonyoung: obv i came up with it

[7:31 pm] jungwon: can u not

[7:31 pm] wonyoung: anw a study date

[7:32 pm] wonyoung: she's struggling in maths

[7:33 pm] wonyoung: specifically taxes because she said and i quote

[7:34 pm] wonyoung: "why do we have to do taxes when we pay people to do it for us"

[7:34 pm] wonyoung: so pls help her and try to cheer her up

[7:35 pm] wonyoung: and confess coward

[7:36 pm] jungwon: i make no promises for the last one

[7:36 pm] wonyoung: aFTER EVERYTHING I JUST SAID

[7:37 pm] jungwon: what if she rejects me wonyoung

[7:38 pm] wonyoung: WE'VE HAD THIS CONVERSATION A LOT OF TIMES JUNGWON

[7:38 pm] wonyoung: SHE LIKES U BUT SHES TOO DUMB TO REALISE

[7:39 pm] jungwon: sigh

[7:40 pm] jungwon: fine i'll try thanks wonyoung

[7:41 pm] wonyoung: np i expect y'all to be a couple by next monday <3

[7:41 pm] jungwon: i-

Sighing for the nth time of the night, Jungwon sat on his bed. He allowed the towel to slipped off his shoulders as his thumb hovered over your chat icon. Truth be told, he always thought his crush on you was unrequited love. You never showed any signs of returning of feelings so he thought he would just ignore the feeling until it was gone.

But oh boy was he wrong, because he didn't knew that he would be spending his high school years by your side. And now you occupy his mind 24/7. Wonyoung could literally tell that he was in love with you, but somehow you never caught on. He allowed Sunoo and Riki to convince him to do the whole "movie date idea", but that failed. So Wonyoung's suggestion was his only option left.

He typed out the message, ready to send it out. If only he could just press the button. Come on Yang Jungwon, you can do this. Just press the damn button Jungwon. Suddenly his phone pinged loudly, scaring the lights out of the poor boy as he yelped and his phone landed with a thud on the ground. He peered over his bed, as if his phone was a ticking bomb.

Oh, it was a message from you.

[8:01 pm] y/n: hey do u know where wonyoung is

[8:01 pm] y/n: she isn't answering my texts

Oh no. He realised that your chat was open, the two ticks indicated that he had (unintentionally) read the message. He couldn't just leave you on read. That's just evil. Scrambling to get his phone, he immediately typed a reply to cover for the other girl.

[8:02 pm] jungwon: sorry i don't :/

[8:02 pm] jungwon: what do u need her for

[8:03 pm] y/n: mf was supposed to teach me a maths question but she left me on rEAD

This was his chance! It was the perfect opportunity for him to score a date with you. Okay, breathe in breath out Jungwon. Don't mess it up and just ask her, he mentally prepared himself.

[8:04 pm] jungwon: oh i could help you if you want

[8:04 pm] jungwon: yk with finals coming up and everything, i can help you study

[8:05 pm] jungwon: if you want of course

[8:05 pm] y/n: omg srsly??

[8:06 pm] jungwon: pls help me study my braincells are literally dying

[8:07 pm] jungwon: jdsjkda okay how about this saturday at your place?

[8:08 pm] y/n: yeah sure

[8:08 pm] jungwon: cool its a date then!

You blinked at Jungwon's message. A date? Wait, did Yang Jungwon just indirectly asked you out? Nah, nah. You were overthinking it. Yes, definitely overthinking. Don't kid yourself, why would Jungwon ask you out on a date? Jungwon is just a friend, you tried to convince yourself.

Keyword: tried.

If he really was just a friend, then why did it felt like butterflies were in your stomach when he said "it was a date"? Then why did you frowned when those girls said that Wonyoung and Jungwon would make a good couple?

Oh god, do you have feelings for your best friend?

Saturday came faster than you would have liked it to. Ever since that last chat with Jungwon, it gave you the sudden realisation that you did in fact had feelings for your best friend. You tried so hard to avoid him in school because you don't want the butterflies back in your stomach. It was basically confirming the fact that you like him. Well, avoiding him also confirmed the fact but you choose to be in denial about it.

You didn't tell Wonyoung about your study date but lately she's been sending you outfit ideas on Pinterest. Specifically, date outftis. And whenever you tried to ask her a question about school, she brushed you off with a random excuse. So it left you no choice but to save those questions for Jungwon.

Speaking of Jungwon, he had texted you 10 minutes ago that he was on the way. You were standing in the middle of your room with your hands on your hips. Both of your parents were out for the day, which left you alone at home. You had taken out the low table to be used later and it was currently in front of you. Colourful workbooks were neatly stacked on top of it.

You did a 360 turn around your room. Was it messy? You cleaned it this morning when you woke up. Did you had any clothes out? No, doesn't look like it. For some reason, you were a nervous wreck. You blamed Jungwon. He just had to call this a date, didn't he.

Should you change? Maybe you should finally look through all those pins Wonyoung sent. Wait, no, why would you have to change into something nice. Jungwon was here to help you study, just that.

Yeah, a study date, your mind emphasised on the word.

The sound of the doorbell pulled you out from your thoughts. You immediately went to open the door. Yang Jungwon stood there on the other side, with his signature smile. Had he always resembled a sheep? He just looked so fluffy.

"Hey!" You greeted him with a smile, internally wincing at your way-too-enthusiastic voice.

But Jungwon didn't seem to mind it. "Hey!" he greeted back.

You moved to the side to let him in. "Thank you for having me," he said as he bowed then proceeded to remove his shoes.

"Uh, do you want anything? Water?" You asked him.

He shook his head.

"Ah, cool. Let's head to my room," you started to walk back to your room.

"Where are your parents?" He asked.

"Out," you simply replied.

That was when it dawned upon you, that your parents were not home. Leaving you and Jungwon, alone. Together. In your room. Alone. With the boy you potentially have a crush on.

"Y/N?" Jungwon tapped on your shoulder. You had stopped walking when you were suddenly washed over by your thoughts. Snapping out of it, you sent him a small smile before opening the room to your door.

The both of you shuffled into your bedroom, you sat down in front of the low table while Jungwon settled down next to you. He moved to take out his books then turned to you. "How about we do some studying and if you have any questions, you can ask me okay?" He said.

You nodded and flipped your own workbook open, immediately starting to work on the first question. Jungwon copied your action and a comfortable silence engulfed the both of you. As the time passed, you found yourself stuck on a certain maths question.

You slightly turned your head to the side to look at Jungwon. He was concentrated at doing his work, you felt a sense of deja vu while looking at him. He resembled Wonyoung when she was studying. At the thought of Wonyoung, you suddenly thought of what those girls said at the bathroom.

They would make a good couple, wouldn't they, you thought. The power couple of the year.

The butterflies in your stomach faded away into an uncomfortable feeling. Just the idea of them getting together already made you sick. You bit the inside of your cheek, you really did had feelings for him. And now it scared you because what if he doesn't feel the same. You made a mental note to consult with Wonyoung later, at least you hope that you'll allow yourself to tell her.

Jungwon must've noticed you staring and gently tapped your head with his pencil. A contrast to when Wonyoung painfully flicked your forehead.

"What's wrong? Are you stuck on a question?" He asked.

You leaned back a bit at the sudden action. You were so deep in your insecurities that you had totally forgotten about the literal problem sitting in front of you. Yet you couldn't even bother to ask him so you just shook your head. "I'm gonna get something to drink," you said instead.

Jungwon watched as you stood up, then decided to follow you as well. "I'll come along."

The boy joined you in the kitchen, perched on one of the island stools as you grabbed a can of soda from the fridge. He studied your movement as you worked around the kitchen. Your features were neutral, you weren't smiling nor frowning. But he could tell that your shoulders were tensed. Wonyoung was right, you did seem down. And he cursed himself for not noticing earlier.

"You okay?" His question made you stopped in a mid-pour stance, the can of soda was tilted but not enough for the contents to be poured out.

You brushed his question off and poured the drink into the cup. "Yeah," you hummed.

Unconvinced by your answer, he pried more. "You know you shouldn't care about what they say, right?"

You furrowed your eyebrows at him, pretending like you didn't understand where he was coming from.

"You're not below us, you know that right?"

You couldn't help but scoffed at his words. Jungwon's lips tugged downwards "I'm being serious here, Y/N," his tone was stern. "You shouldn't listen to what they say. You're more than just-"

The sound of the can being slammed down shuts him up. Your fingers tightened around the can as you looked at him. You didn't had the energy to hear him preach the same old "Don't Listen To Them" speech. You don't need his pity.

"I don't want to hear it, Yang Jungwon," you said through gritted teeth. Not sparing him another glance, you threw the empty can into the trash as you grabbed your glass.

As you walked past Jungwon, he suddenly reached out and held onto your forearm. "Y/N," he said softly. "Please tell me what's wrong."

You sighed and slowly turn around to face him, placing the glass back on the counter. You took in a deep breath before you opened your mouth. "I feel like I'm not enough," you finally said. "Everything I do just doesn't seem enough. All I'm doing is my best but it's just crushing my ego because everyone is telling me that you're better than me."

"I feel like no one wants me and I hate the way I'm perceived. It's always poor Y/N this and poor Y/N that's because everyone just sees me as your shadow and I fucking hate it. I only have two real friends," you gestured wildly. "And lately I'm a nervous wreck cause I keep comparing myself to the two of you. I'm not cool and I'm not smart, and I can't even parallel park!" You threw your hands up in frustration, the feelings you kept inside were pouring out like a waterfall.

Jungwon just stood there as he listened tentatively to every word. He didn't knew that you felt this way, bottling up all your emotions like that.

"And I'm so tired of people telling me to enjoy my youth and that these are the golden years. I might just fucking cry if I hear those words again," you finished ranting. It felt good, it felt like a weight on your heart has been lifted. Then you remembered that you just dumped all of it on Jungwon.

You opened your mouth to apologise to him but he surprised you by pulling him into his arms. At first you were standing stiffly at the sudden contact, but it took a millisecond for you to melt in his embrace. His arms were gently around your back and you returned the hug by wrapping your arms around his torso. The two of you stay in that position for awhile, relishing in each other's embrace. You definitely needed this hug.

Tightening your hold on Jungwon, you realised how important he was to you. He was your best friend and he was always there for you. It was stupid of you to compare yourself to him, when all he did was tried his best for you. The taller boy chuckled when he felt you rubbed your face into his shoulder, he involuntarily released a contented sigh. You felt one of his hands stroked your hair, it felt comforting. That action itself was enough for the butterflies to slowly settled back in you.

After a while, both of you finally (unwillingly) released each other. He pushed a strand of hair behind your ears and said, "You're wrong by the way." Which made you tilt your head in genuine confusion.

"You are cool and you are smart. You're like the coolest person I know. And no one thinks of you as our shadow, you don't hear it but I've always hear the juniors praising you for helping them and how enthusiastic you are," the way he delivered his words was filled with pure awe for you.

"And who cares if you can't parallel park. You didn't hear it from but Jay hyung failed his drivers test three times just because he couldn't parallel park," and that got a laugh out from you. Jungwon smiled proudly that he managed to make you laugh. "And you're wrong when you said no one wants you. I want you."

You blinked once, twice and thrice. He wanted you? "You're just saying that cause you're my best friend," you replied.

"No," he firmly said. "I like you, Y/N."

(Jungwon doesn't know where he got this sudden surge of confidence, but the mood was the perfect time for him to confess. It was a one time chance and he had to take it.)

You chuckled. "I like you too, Jungwon. We are friends aren't we?"

"No, Y/N. I like you. More than friends."

"Oh." Oh.

"Yeah," he scratched the back of neck awkwardly. Oh no, did you not feel the same way?

While you on the other hand, were malfunctioning on the inside. Your best friend just confessed to you and you were frozen on the spot. Why couldn't he had done it over text instead. If he had done it over text, then you could've left the message unread and you could've spammed Wonyoung for help. But the thing is that it wasn't over text and you couldn't just tell him to wait here while you panicked to Wonyoung in your bathroom.

Yang Jungwon likes you. And you like him too, right? Because if you didn't, your cheeks won't be heating up right now and your heart would have not be beating rapidly like it was going to break your rib cage any second. If you didn't like him, there would have never been butterflies in your stomach. Yeah. You like Yang Jungwon, you like him a lot.

"Me too," you whispered, it was soft but it was enough for him to pick it up. Jungwon eyes snapped to you, doe eyed filled with hope. "I like you, too," you said, this time louder. And you made sure you looked him in the eye when you confessed.

You watched as Jungwon's mouth morphed into a big grin. He let out a sigh of relief and dropped to his knees, surprising you. "Jungwon!" you squeaked, bending down to help him.

"I'm fine! I'm fine," he assured you as he stood up with your help. The grin on his face was still there. "It's just that … you like me," he breathed out. "You like me back, wow. I-I can't believe it."

Your face was definitely burning with embarrassment. You punched him lightly on the shoulder, turning away to hide your face. "Believe it, you dork. I like you, okay!" Somehow his grin was able to grew wider at your words, Gently, he took your hand in his.

"How about we stop this study date, and I'll take you out on real date?"

© chaeryybomb 2021

a/n: thank you so much for reading this <3

[racebox-of-higgars]

Newsies as things my friends have said:

Race: I’m just going to sit here and watch you lubricate your throat... that could have been worded so much better  -  Jack: We’re here, we’re queer, we’re filled with existential? 

Race: Gay? 

- 

Davey: What are your thoughts on homeostasis? 

Jack: Close enough to homo, it’ll do 

-

Race: Do you ever want to cover your entire body in pastel orange highlighter? 

Albert: Every waking moment 

Race: Good ‘cus I’ve done half of it already 

Davey: That’s just your hand? 

Race: My hand is fat

- 

Spot: Sigrid, what are you doing in my DMs? Sigrid, go away. Sigrid, I’ll have you know that I am certified in shanking. Oh nevermind he just wanted my German homework 

- 

Spot: Archie, I swear to god if you do that again I will gaslight you. Archie you were literally born behind a shed. Your mother didn’t love you and neither do I

(to note, Archie is their cat) 

- 

Albert: I’ll shove apples up your ass as a surprise for the furries later 

-

Elmer: Now the ratchelor is in my search history and I hate it 

Race: It’s beautiful, appreciate it 

Elmer: No, die 

Race: You die 

Elmer: I will bitch 

-

Crutchie: So Jack bought ice cream for everyone, and he told me to buy some plastic spoons so we could eat it

Crutchie: But they didn’t have spoons 

Crutchie: So I did what any sensible person would do 

Crutchie: I bought forks 

Crutchie, sobbing: So now I have 48 plastic forks in my bag with nothing to do with them

- 

Pulitzer: You six piece McDisappointment

-

Race: Crispy isn’t good for deep throating! 

-

Race: I have a feeling Jesus doesn’t like me 

- 

Spot: *kills Race in among us*

Race: Fuck you I want a divorce

Spot: We’re not even married? 

Race: Exactly, we’re divorced

- 

Race: I taught my friends how to twerk on a year 6 sleepover once. I think that was my gay awakening 

- 

Davey: Someone brought mouldy flowers to Ed Sheeran’s nan’s funeral and he wrote a song about it and people cry to it 

- 

Jack: Can we go back to the good old days where we executed the monarchy 

Finch: Prince Phillip would be screwed 

Race: Have you seen the fucker? He’s been dead for years 

Albert, whispering: But Meg definitely pegs Harry 

- 

Race: *writes a fanfiction based on the the Lisa Frank Brand Berry Scented Body Wash Post where Stephen Strange and Tony Stark fuck in the shower then Peter Parker uses the body wash and it kills him and posts it on quotev*

- 

Davey: Take care of yourself 

Romeo: No, I’m gonna go reread Theories Of Conflict and cry

- 

Albert: I just remembered that I’ve swam in your piss before and I’m pretty sure I have some kind of disease from it 

-

Race: *loudly quoting the My Immortal fanfic while everybody else screams at him to shut up*

[beigejournals]

a beautifully foolish endeavor

so i made the mistake of turning off the iCloud for my notes, now the few (well, it was pretty long) notes on the first two chapters was erased from my laptop. that’s great! so i’m going straight to tumblr. hoping that this website won’t ruin it for me. 

MAYA

we love conspiracy theorists. haha! they say that aquarius are built like that, i don’t feel that for me but here we are enjoying this book. 

“Real dreams seemed so chaotic and unstructured.” lol you tell me. beigejournals.tumblr.com/tagged/beigedreams is a mess!

ok back with US geography i know so little about. 

mom, potato rudeness.

lol, dads.

we love how black people/ families try to be strong especially in the environment that they are in. 

“another rich kid with an art school degree and no direction” oof.

“because i will never not be completely horrified by myself losing control” SAME. 

ANDY

same andy skampt lol, if dogs are not good then i don’t know what to do with my life anymore

OH I THOUGHT WHEN U OPEN THE DOOR, APRIL IS GONNA BE THERE!!!!! GRRR. 

we love a recap even on the third chapter. 

Mach 3? not March 3? is Mach 3 a place?

what a nice way to say no to guns

i’m now thinking what Carl was a symbol for in the first book. to me, during college, it really just felt like something tied to religion, maybe something like Jesus. but it’s been a while since i last read the book so idk. 

i don’t remember who Miranda and Robin are! BUT WTF i didn’t expect the book to start this way. 

hah! that’s funny “This one’s for my patient and loving wife, Katherine” HAHA

what an interesting book. can i survive this book. HAHAHA

WTF IS THIS BOOK

IS ANDY JOHN GREEN CHAR

THIS BOOK IS A WEIRD STALKER

it’s weird how it changes from “you” to “the man”

the book definitely feels like a choose on your own adventure

“the words definitely felt like april” she speaks like that?

it is interesting to see the perspective of massive phenomena thru the eyes of those left behind! 

is every book or show sponsored by subway? i need to know

“out of transaction mode” nice.

when he said “I made a mental note that maybe that would be a good topic for a video” i was like same. yes. nice quote AHAHA

who fucking gets a book out of the trash?

damn, reddit.

MIRANDA

okay. now we’re remeeting miranda. i’m guessing she had something to do with media??? did she have an affair with april because i do not remember but i somehow do?

lol miranda is me, for some reason, i have to put ALL my thoughts out there

ok they did hook up. 

oh. Robin was the media person. Miranda was the smarty pants, i guess? wow. nice words beige. 

peter petrawicki sounds familiar... is he the guy april was against?

yes he is. 

August 5? what was Mach 3 then. 

“what’s the harm in attacking someone who’s dead?” the Filipino in me jumped. i could never!

also Hank’s constant thoughts on fame is evident not only on this book, but the first one as well. 

when miranda stopped reading the article, i felt that. i didn’t want to read it too but i have no choice.

that dog talk bullshit. HAHAHA. i know it’s really a nice point of view but it’s just coming from an article about a guy who sounds so pompous. 

is it weird that i didn’t get goosebumps. was the goosebumps cringe? because i would have accepted that. 

this service, i’ve heard a lot about this in true crime, haha!

what’s the service, siz!

I ASPIRE TO BE MIRANDA. i don’t even know what’s happening yet but she a detective. is it.... real time shit? or virtual reality x 100? putting everyone in the dream state?

ANDY

was the Miranda chapter there to make me think that Peter was behind the book? coz i think it’s either April or Carl(s).

is it just a coincidence but the moment Andy said he needed to poop, i felt the same. 

i’m now thinking if i were given the book would have i done the same? would i follow the rules? especially because of the Miranda chapter messing with my mind yk

why does bex always mention andy’s name! that’s weird becky!

ugh i forgot what becky looked like, i didn’t think she was going to be that important. now i have to go back and look at her description. 

early twenties, asian but with dark skin and an accent, is she me? HAHAHAHA. British? huh hahaha. so it’s not me then.

“and cute.” NICE. 

she told me about her brothers and i TOLD HER ABOUT MY EXISTENTIAL DREAD 

$100,000 of stock in IGRI!! IT IS PETER ISN’T IT? or if it isn’t him, it’s the service.  

oof Senator William Casey

MAYA

"having a parent who is always a little bit disappointed in you isn’t ever going to be healthy. The question is whether it is an unhealthy weight that I have to struggle with or an unhealthy fuel that can actually propel me. It’s been both of those things in my life, and right now, it was fuel.” hopefully i can say that in my life. 

oooh, go Maya! we love investigations. i just remembered how fun this book was with all of its mystery. 

“The internet in South Jersey was spotty. Some days customers’ internet would be unusably slow, other days it would be back to normal, and the next day there would be no connection at all. This had been going on long enough that it was news, and that news had been picked up by the Som as another example of something weird going on near Philly.” -change the places to “the Philippines” and it would still be the same

i’m getting sleepy and as much as i want to put every single thought, i think i’ll just come back when there is something i need to say because this book was supposed to be for fun and now it feels like another homework. 

[reflectionsforalostsoul]

One

I don’t know what to say. What do you say when you feel like the world is ending? There are a million ways that life feels over. The pandemic. Climate change. Pollution. Lack of resources. Misinformation. Lack of values. Lack of morals. The list could stretch on. 

I am not a scientist. I am just someone who started their existential crisis a few years ago, who now suspects that many others are caught up in their own crisis as well. How did I get there? That isn’t something I am ready to talk about, but I can tell you that I think it started for me the way it would start for most people. I lost my faith in humanity. 

I had always been an optimist. Someone who always had hope for the future. I saw the good in people, but then again, don’t we all at some point? Yet life experience slowly erodes that youthful naivety that some of us are naturally imbibed with, and perhaps it was only a matter of time before that slipped away. It was like I had been stumbling around for years in some kind of haze that I can only liken to drug induced euphoria. And then they pulled out the rug and I was on my ass sober. 

My perception grew sharper, and I tried to tune things out the way I had before but found myself unable to. I was noticing the people around me in ways I never had before. 

Social media made me sick as I scrolled through my feed. Everyone carefully wording the things they shared to cast them in a positive light. The desperation for attention… Sharing countless memes to let the world know, Yeah, I’m funny. I’m a catch. You should know this. Everyone needs to make it known that they say what’s on their mind, consequences be damned. I mean, maybe they are blocking dear old Grandma from their stories, but everyone else is going to know exactly why you have a problem. 

Maybe I am explaining it wrong. Let me just tell you exactly what I think.

People complain about the pandemic’s effect on mental health. Everyone feels cut off. Disconnected. But I’ve been feeling that way all along. I think people have been unaware of the great disconnection we are all experiencing and are just now realizing when confronted with social distancing alone we are all feeling. 

Maybe it is just me. Maybe it is just my age. My Mother told me one day I would have a family and disappear into it. She said when you have kids that slowly life becomes more about them than anything else, and friendships fall by the wayside. This was told to me when I asked her why her friends didn’t visit anymore. I didn’t believe her. I was just a child and there was nothing more important to me than my friendships. The thought that my best friends wouldn’t always be a part of my life was ludicrous.  I vowed to prove her wrong. That would not be my life. 

My Mother had a funny way of doing that. I always knew she was an intelligent woman, but there were so many pearls like this that she shared with me throughout my childhood that would make me react in disbelief. So many times she was right, and now it’s too late to say it to her… But let me digress.

That’s not my life, you might say. My friends still come around. They still call. We have a great relationship! I am happy for you then. But I am not talking to you. I am talking to those people who are curating their online profiles with a fine tooth comb in an attempt to get recognition. Bad self esteem is easier to handle when you get positive reacts to a selfie. Anxieties about parenthood are easier to handle when you share an inspirational quote about how you need your children more than they need you. Your marriage isn’t so toxic when people are fawning over pictures of your special anniversary dinner together and saying things like, “You guys are so lucky,” or, “Look how happy they are!” Maybe things aren’t as bad as you think they are. Everyone else sees how happy you two are together. As a matter of fact, people constantly say how happy your entire family looks. Maybe you are focusing on the negative too much. You’ve gotta work on that. You have to be less negative. So, you share some more inspirational bullshit to your friends and family online. You take lots of selfies and caption them that you are loving your life or that you are #blessed. 

It makes you feel a bit better. The tightness in your chest lessens a bit when your friends and family hit that like button. They wish they had your life. You are lucky. You are grateful. 

I feel bad for the children though.

They will never experience what life was like before. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Every old person says this. Things were better in my day. It is almost a cliche. Unfortunately most people tend to view the past through a nostalgia filter. My Mom didn’t do that. She constantly told my siblings and I how lucky we were to be around for such a wonderful period of human history. She marveled at video games and happily played them with us. She was jealous of us getting to experience what she called the Golden Era of Disney. She made sure we appreciated the time we were alive in. I am aware of my children’s luckiness too. They have a world of information at their fingertips. Pictures and videos can happen at the touch of a phone screen ready to preserve all those precious memories. That’s nice. It really is. I would have died for a video camera in my childhood. Plus, they are living through meme culture. Such hilarity. So many funny vloggers. So many silly trends… What a time to be alive!

My kids do not ride the school bus though. They are considered car riders. The week they are with me I drop them off at school and the week they spend with their Dad his Mother drops them off. My kids get sad about this sometimes. The thought of riding the bus with their friends seemed like an adventure. They had heard funny stories from friends and even from their family. They wanted to experience it. So, I made it happen. 

Those young bright eyes were wide with excitement as they waited for the school bus. They had had to get up way earlier that morning since a bus route takes much longer than me driving them directly, but they didn’t mind. They were hopeful. Their morning held so many possibilities. Their joy at the novelty of it all made my chest swell with happiness. It lessened my nervousness about it. Yes, bus rides could be fun, but there is always potential for harassment or bullying. That morning I pushed my anxiety aside and focused on the moment, tried to live in it with them. We laughed as we said goodbye that morning. I could feel the excitement. For a moment I was transported back to my own childhood and that flood of adrenaline on the first day of school. I couldn’t wait for them to come home and tell me all about it. 

That afternoon I picked them up from school. There wasn’t enough time for them to ride in the afternoon, not with homework and dinner prep. So, I waited in the car rider line at the school drumming my fingers on the steering wheel in anticipation. I kind of expected happy little hops towards my car when they came out the door, but when I saw them it was a bit more reserved. They looked sleepy and ready to put their long day behind them. I was kind of surprised, but it happens like that sometimes. School can be exhausting. 

Immediately they relaxed when getting in the car, sinking down with exhaustion. I turned on the music and we drove. They said they were tired from getting up so early. I had forgotten about that. So, I asked the question I had been waiting all day to ask, “Well?”

They both gave me a shrug. I was confused. I expected to hear stories of them chatting with friends. Not the disinterested attitude they were displaying. It took the whole ride home to figure it out. Apparently they didn’t do much talking with their friends because everyone has a cell phone nowadays and there were sixty little faces glued to their phone screens the entire time. My children were feeling disappointment but also jealousy. They wanted phones too and didn’t understand why they weren’t allowed to have one yet. This wasn’t how I had expected the day to go. I sensed opportunity in that moment. Those pearls of wisdom my Mother gave me in my childhood? I was determined to do the same. Our car rides were where we had our most serious conversations because there are no distractions to the kids. It is one of the only times I have their undivided attention, so I spoke. 

“Babies? I am really sorry for how the bus ride turned out. It wasn’t what you were expecting, and I know that you’re feeling frustrated, but this just shows why you don’t need a phone yet. You’ve just seen it yourselves.” My son looked angry at my words. He has been asking for a phone for several years and I sometimes wonder if he feels embarrassment at not having one like all of his other friends. I continued before I could be interrupted and lose my train of thought. 

“My childhood has lots of happy memories. When I am sad sometimes I think back to other happy times in my life and it helps me to get through the day. I have so many memories with friends and family that I treasure-”

“But if I had a phone I could record those memories,” my daughter interrupted angrily from the back seat. 

“You are missing my point, let me finish,” I admonished her. “Lots of people are missing out on good times and fun because of their phones. You all don’t see it that way but it’s the truth. People get addicted to their phones, and not just children. Adults are addicted too. They miss out on everything happening around them. When I go to visit Grandma I always feel frustrated because she isn’t paying any attention to me, her face is buried in her phone. Apps that you would use are MADE to be addictive. There are studies about this. You get a rush of dopamine, your happiness chemical, when you get things like reacts from your friends. People are becoming so dependent on it that they are creating any true happiness in their lives. They are slaves to their phones. It isn’t just social media, phone games are made the same way. They pay people big bucks to manufacture games in a way that leaves you coming back for more, over and over. It is how they make money. People pay to speed up the reward systems in these games, and it is like being manipulated.”

“I wouldn’t get addicted,” my son muttered angrily beside me. 

“That’s what everyone thinks, but it happens slowly. You know how we do family dinner? Do you ever see me on my phone?”

“No,” they replied in unison. 

“Exactly. I think it is the pinnacle of rude behavior to sit down to dinner and ignore everyone around you because you are playing on your phone. That isn’t how you create good memories. When you have a bad time you think back on the good times, right?”

“Yeah,” replied my son.

“And those good times involve your friends and family, right?”

“Yeah.”

“When you are going through something hard you are going to look back on times where you felt joy, or when you shared laughs with your friends over something funny that happened. You will never think back to hours spent on a video game, especially a phone game.”

“But I have had fun playing online with my friends! You’re wrong,” my son quickly pointed out. 

“Yes, I can see some good memories happening in those instances, but for the most part you are playing alone. Those good times are few and far between. You might have had a laugh over something happening on the game, but how long will you hold that memory dear?”

What I should have said before we arrived home, and maybe it didn’t occur to me to say at the time, I love looking back on experiences with people where we had deep conversations. Where we were discussing important things. Where our young minds were filled with the wonder of infinite possibilities. Do I hear my children having conversations like that? I do not. There is hardly any depth. Before you say that this is me being old and being disconnected from the youth, let me say that I am not the only one who had deep conversations with their friends in childhood. You cannot say that you never pondered the meaning of life and what your role in it was. 

Are children not having as many of these conversations because we are not teaching them that skill? Or are they more guarded because there are so many more ways to experience bullying these days? Do they feel unsafe to open up? I know that I am making mistakes as a parent myself. My son told me that he wanted to be a famous youtuber one day, and I couldn’t stop myself from showing that I was unimpressed with his aspiration. I asked my son why he no longer wanted to be a writer and said matter of factly that it was a terrible idea. I shut a door between us before it had even fully opened. I didn’t mean to, and have apologized, but I know that I will never get it back. How can he open up to me when I disregarded something so important to him? I didn’t mean to do it, and I regret it. 

It wasn’t just the job itself though, it was my motherly instincts. 

My children have not had to deal with online abuse yet. They have never been bullied in that way. They simply cannot fathom how nasty people can be when cloaked in anonymity. How many online influencers have killed themselves in the past year? Several that I have read about. 

Eventually my son did ask why I had a problem with it, and I finally got to explain a little. I mentioned the nastiness of online comments, the suicides, and the depression that these people struggle with. My son assured me that he could just ignore nasty comments. I’m not so sure. 

My son is definitely funny. He talks to himself while playing video games frequently and I can hear him from the other room. I am constantly chuckling at his antics and sound effects. Do I think people could appreciate his videos? Definitely. I love his commentary. Do I think people will be jerks to him anyway? Yep. That’s what people do. It is their outlet for their hate and rage in life. People take it out on others online, because when you act like a jerk online there are rarely any lasting consequences. Maybe a temporary ban or mute, but then these online bullies very often have multiple accounts so that they can continue their bad behavior unimpeded. 

I try to reflect on my motives often. I find myself wondering about others motives all of the time, so I try to scrutinize myself in the same way. Because another big problem that I notice in life is that people are not searching for introspection and very often do not understand their own motivations. People lie to themselves constantly, and if there is one thing I am sure of it is this, if you cannot trust yourself, how can you trust anybody?

Am I being a terrible parent at this moment? I definitely feel I screwed up in my response to his aspiration that he shared with me. Is this me being overprotective and stopping him from pursuing his passions? How much damage have I done by my initial response? I want my child to feel he can talk to me, and I just made a common parent blunder. Every generation of children feels that parents just don’t understand. I want to do better. 

Fame is fleeting and leaves you under the microscope of public scrutiny. I would never want that for myself, and cannot imagine my son dealing with those pressures. Way too much importance is placed upon external validation. Yes, it’s nice to have but I think it is much better to validate yourself. Don’t get me wrong, my Mother validated me constantly. She made me feel so intelligent, so witty, and so wise. I think she was the greatest for this, but it is necessary to validate one’s self as well. When you are dependent entirely on other people’s praise and all of your self worth comes from the attention of others you are destroying your own resilience. Sure, people preach self love constantly these days, but I don’t see it working too well in most cases. People are bashed for being prideful, or maybe they were prideful about the wrong things. Why are you so focused on loving yourself at any weight? Don’t you know that skinny shaming is a thing? Don’t you know that your outside is irrelevant? What matters is on the inside! Insert eyeroll. These aren’t my thoughts, but just an example. Everyone has an opinion and the internet gives them a place to share it. There will always be someone who is critical of your view. Preach self love all you want, but it is still so hard to come by. 

Have I helped equip my children with resilience or self love? They seem to struggle with it. Have I praised them enough? Do I feel that they are mentally strong? Not as strong as I would like, but I fear the ways they could attain mental strength. I have experienced a lot of rough times in my life. I have overcome adversity. I have been at the bottom and drug myself back to the top. Is that the only way to build mental strength or resilience? Through pain? Everyone struggles in life. Will my children’s struggles help them to grow to be strong people or will it leave them a broken person constantly questioning their own validity? 

No one knows the future. How do we know that our methods are right? We can only proceed based on our own life experiences and knowledge. It is so terrifying not to know what the future holds. What seemingly inconsequential things did you say or do that will reverberate through your child’s life and affect them in ways you cannot begin to imagine? Hindsight is easy. Staring into the unknown future is much harder. It is incredibly difficult to face. Every single person is capable of causing untold amounts of ripples that expand into society and spread throughout the word. 

Do you ever think about your own ripples? 

Some people are aware of it and try to send out good ones. They try to pay it forward whenever conceivable. Maybe they pay for the person behind them’s meal in line at a drive through restaurant. Maybe they bring donuts for their coworkers. Maybe they stop and help people alongside the road who need help changing a tire. There is plenty of good still in this world. It isn’t all bad. But are we as a society focusing enough on the bad ripples? The bad energy we are sending out into the world?

So few seem to care these days. Humanity as a whole is selfish. It isn’t your fault, that is our nature. It is how we survive. But deep down how many times have you made an exception for yourself because you are special, you are you? The pandemic has really opened my eyes to people’s inherent selfishness. How dare you try to inconvenience me by requiring me to wear a face mask? I don’t care that it is mandated, and that you are simply doing your job, I am going to harass and abuse you! You may not be in support of wearing a mask on a personal level, but I don’t care about that. I am not going to live my life in fear like all of you sheeple. So, be prepared, I will hit you. I will spit on you. I will shoot you. Seems dramatic, right? But this has happened over and over again in this past year. 

I want to ask where is the humanity, but I am beginning to fear that this IS humanity. 

So often I struggle with wondering, is humanity worth saving? If this is the end-times do we deserve another chance? What makes us redeemable? The only answer that I can come up with is love. We are redeemable because of love. Maybe you have a better answer than me. Love is the only thing that I can come up with at this moment, and even that is hard to hold on to. I feel myself spiral and losing faith in humanity on a daily basis almost, and I have to make a conscious effort to remember the good things. Those loving moments that we are capable of. 

The animals that we rescue. The children that we pray for. The couples who still love each other after many trials or years. The art inspired by it, or the music. Love is a universal feeling. It can unite us, though we face the ever present danger of hate dividing us. I am so past hating stuff. I can tell you that I intensely dislike our former president, but do I wish his death like I have seen others do? I do not. I think we have a world full of damaged people searching for meaning, and there is no manual. We are all trying our best and are making decisions based on our own life experiences. What is right to you is wrong to someone else. It doesn’t mean anyone is wrong. It is just perspective. There is no other way to view it that I am aware of. We all have different perspectives, our own personal narratives of events. That is just what humanity does. We are not a collective consciousness. So many people try to make things black and white, when really there are nothing but varying shades of grey. Had I lived your life and been through the things you have been through I might feel very differently. This is just my opinion on the matter, based upon my own life experiences. I don’t hate you for feeling differently than me. I just get sad sometimes that we struggle to find common ground. I want us to succeed. I want humanity to persevere. 

How do I explain everything that is on my mind lately without making you feel it is endless rambling? I know this started with a list of things that make it feel like the world is ending, and I could go on forever. Do I drone on and on, or should I find some semblance of structure? I do not mean to be a bore, but there is so much to address. Is this a diary? Is this to my children? I am unsure. Maybe it is just for me. Maybe I just need to find the words that can make a difference. I don’t know about you but for quite a while now I haven’t been able to shake the feeling that time is running out and there is something I must do. I hope that by trying to organize my thoughts I can figure out what it is. 

[nadziejastar]

How do you think the experiments would have impacted Lea? Obviously he wasn't as traumatized as Isa, but no one gets kidnapped and used as a lab rat and comes out unscathed

Roxas: Saïx called her “broken.”

Axel: Hmm… Well, if it cheers you up, I’m probably a lot more broken than her.

Ooh, I love this question. I get to use one of my favorite Axel quotes. Yeah, I definitely agree with you. He’d still be very messed up even if he hadn’t lost his heart. He has a LOT of anger and pain underneath the surface. He lost everything in his life. I’m really disappointed that we never got to see his entire backstory. He’s such an interesting character. I wanted to see how he went form an innocent frisbee playing kid to a remorseless assassin. What did he think the Organization was after when they kidnapped him? Did he think they stole his heart as part of the experiment? I wanted to know how he felt about having his heart stolen and then being asked to build KH to try and get it back…by the people who stole it. That must have been confusing. And did he know how the apprentices lost their hearts, too?

I think that he and Saix plotted to take over the Organization for revenge as well for as their freedom. In the novel, this is what is going through Axel’s mind when he first convinces the Riku Replica to join him.

Given the right memories, the Replica could mimic the powers of the original. Which meant that if he were implanted with somebody else’s memories, he would, hypothetically, gain other powers. Somebody’s—or maybe even a Nobody’s. He had one particular Nobody in mind. All the members of the Organization were still influenced by the memories of their human lives.

This sounds like a subplot that never materialized. I wonder who the Nobody was. Braig or Xemnas? It wasn’t Zexion, because Axel says he’s as good a place to start as any. He was testing the Replica on Zexion. I’m not exactly sure what experiments were done to Axel, but I would guess they are the reason why he can control fire. And there were a lot of Emblem Heartless being manufactured in that basement.

He probably was forced to fight at the very least, as I suspect Isa was. The black cloaks are meant to prevent someone from getting swallowed by darkness. Lea and Isa were wearing them when they were recompleted. This indicates they had things done to them that risked them getting swallowed by darkness.

The Heartless appear in groups, and are multiplying rapidly. I’ve provided them both living and nonliving samples. They’ve responded only to the living. They seem to multiply after absorbing something from the living creatures. Their prey vanishes without a trace.

Not only is he traumatized because of what he personally experienced, but probably also from witnessing what happened to others as well.

Yeah, I know. Our plans. That part won’t change.

This is what Axel is thinking in the novel when talking to Saix. Even though they weren’t really getting along at that point, he said that their plans wont change. He wasn’t doing it for just for Saix. He wanted to take over the Organization as much as Saix did. He only becomes less motivated when he starts growing a heart and enters an existential crisis.

Hearing his old name, Axel glanced up at Saix watching him intently. He remembered being human. Memories surged inside him, crowding the space in his chest. For Nobodies, memory had all the weight of a heart.

I remember. I won’t forget.

I think he’s talking about both his memories of Isa, and his memories of the experiments that took everything away from him. His normal life, his heart, his best friend’s personality, his ability to experience happiness and love. He has a really dark and twisted side to his personality. Which I love. It makes total sense. I think the upside-down tear marks were something he came up with himself. Not Saix. Gang members get the tear-shaped tattoos as a permanent reminder that they’ve killed someone or they’ve had a friend killed and they want revenge. And Axel’s are upside-down. As an assassin, the message being sent is, “Ain’t no tears being shed for you, bitch”. But deep down…I think there are.

“The dirty work doesn’t bother me”, Axel went on. “You just make for the top.”

There was nothing false in that, and he looked at Saix in the eye as he said it.

Since the heart is the seat of your emotions and interpersonal relationships, I think that Axel and Saix probably got along decently during their time in the Organization. They were both single-mindedly focused on revenge. They were less like close friends and more like gang brothers. Loyal, but not close. Axel didn’t have an intimate relationship with Saix. They didn’t have fun together, or laugh. And this didn’t seem to bother Axel too much until he met Roxas.

Zexion had never trusted Axel one bit. In fact, he had never trusted anyone besides the original members of the Organization–those he had once known in the laboratory. But he found two especially untrustworthy: Saix, who had somehow wormed his way into Lord Xemnas’s confidence, and his close acquaintance Axel.

Zexion was just a kid when everything happened. I doubt he had anything to do with the experiments personally.He didn’t seem to have any clue who Axel and Saix were in the novel. Nor did he know Saix was Xehanort’d. He trusted them the least out of anyone, because he could tell how much they hated the apprentices. So if this is how much pleasure he took in eliminating Zexion, I can only wonder what he was imagining doing to Xemnas or Braig.

His title, Flurry of Dancing Flames, is a reference to a dance the god Shiva performed that almost caused the end of the universe because he was so angry after his wife killed herself.  Another weapon, Ifrit, is a death spirit drawn to the life-force or blood of a murdered victim seeking revenge on the murderer. He might not have known the whole story on Isa, but as soon as they woke up after turning into Nobodies, he obviously would have noticed that he had a giant scar on his face. I’m sure he was beyond pissed when he saw that. I wish I could see how furious he’d be if he knew the entire truth.

Sora: What are you— What ARE you people?!

Axel: Hm… Don’t know. I wonder about that myself.

I really wonder how he would have acted around Even in DDD. I think they kept him and Dilan away from Lea for a reason. He absolutely revels in Vexen’s death. To Axel, Vexen is a symbol of all that was taken away from him. In the novels, he feels kinda bad destroying Dusks because they are fellow Nobodies. Yet he never, ever shows remorse for taking out Vexen or Zexion. He detests the Organization. But at the same time, he recognizes that he isn’t naturally like this. That he’s warped. Broken. This isn’t the person he wanted to be. He’s changed into someone else because of everything he’s been through. He remembers being different. I think that’s why he never really hates Saix, either. He assumes he’s just warped, like he is.

Axel: Most kids spend summer vacation just goofing off with their friends. They save the homework till the end and then help each other finish it.

Roxas: That sounds fun, I guess.

Axel: Yeah. I hadn’t really thought about it much since becoming a Nobody. So how’d you spend the day?

Axel: Hey, I’m not about to tell you ALL my dark secrets. Got it memorized? I bet you keep a thing or two from me.

Axel admits he hadn’t thought of his normal life too much since becoming a Nobody. He’s had other things on his mind, obviously. He jokes about having dark secrets after sleeping the entire day away. I think the experiments are another reason why he says that memories are just baggage that have never done him any good.

He won’t allow anyone to get too close to him. He never really confides in anyone. Ever. Not even Roxas. He keeps an emotional distance with everyone at all times. Even when Axel says dark things, like he’ll never get to experience love, Roxas doesn’t pick up on anything wrong or ask him about it. He is too naive to tell that he’s got lots of baggage. Not his fault, but it is what it is. Not that Axel would want to talk about it anyways, but still… he always puts on a smile to hide his pain. Always. Even his closest friends had no idea how much he was suffering. And he wouldn’t have it any other way.

Even after he begins to grow a heart, he still kidnaps Kairi. He even does the iconic hand reach of darkness. He feels bad about this later, but he’s so lonely and miserable at that point, he doesn’t care about morality. Morals didn’t exist in the Organization. You didn’t survive that way. In the novel, Axel and Kairi have this exchange which I absolutely loved.

Kairi looked up at him. “Aren’t you…a bad guy?”

“I’m not,” Axel replied, completely serious. “But not really a good guy, either.”

“This doggy likes you, though,” she pointed out.

Axel dropped his gaze, and indeed, Pluto was right there with his tail whipping back and forth.

“Just because dogs like someone doesn’t mean they’re a good person, y’know. Got it memorized?”

I swear, Pluto LOVES Axel in the novels. I almost think they must have met before or something. I also love it because Axel’s main weapon, Eternal Flames, is actually shaped like the symbol for Aleister Crowley’s Chaos magic.

Chaos is neither good nor evil, but both and neither at once. It cannot be controlled; not even by itself. It promotes freedom of choice, thought, and action above all else, even if this leads the world into a primal state of vice and survival of the fittest. Chaos refuses any limitations placed on it. I love how his weapons are so different from Saix’s. Ironically Saix’s are named after benevolent female goddesses and such. Axel’s are the ones who are much darker. You’ve got the lance of Mars, the Roman god of war.

Then there’s the Fuma Shuriken with the Recusant’s Sigil right in the middle. This is the Mystery Gear weapon that’s supposed to represent his true personality. A recusant is someone who refuses to submit to authority. If anyone is a recusant, it is Axel. He’d wear that “X” proudly. Fuma Shuriken was a weapon said to be wielded by the leader of the Fuma clan. The Fuma Clan were a group of outlaw ninjas, especially skilled at night raids and other sorts of sneaky surprise attacks. They were extremely strong, extremely deadly, and had a reputation for pretty much having no morals whatsoever. They would slash enemies in the back, set entire villages on fire, and resort to all sorts of violent and non-violent trickery. They were also said to be experts at the use of fire and smoke – including the smoke-shield practice. In a folk legend, the leader is often depicted as an inhuman figure: a supposedly part-oni, monstrous giant with inverted eyes.

I loved how awkward his conversation with Ienzo was in DDD when he is looking for Isa. It’s even funnier when you hear that scene in Japanese because he sounded so impatient, like, “yeah yeah, shut up already with your long explanations, no one cares. Where’s Isa so I can leave this shithole already?” I’m so mad we didn’t get to see him confront the apprentices. I wanted to see him get mad. Something similar to when Roxas smashed up all of the computers. THAT level of rage. He needed to heal from his past, too. And the first step would be to face it head on and be angry.

I don’t think Axel truly got to heal from his pain in the story, either. He and Isa needed to heal each other. Axel immediately went to being perfectly okay after DDD. But I definitely don’t think he would be. He still needed closure. He needed to get angry at Saix to truly grieve the loss of Isa. And he needed to get angry at Xion when she tried to destroy herself. For himself. To acknowledge his own pain that he always minimizes or tries to hide. It felt like the writers forgot all about Axel’s pain and darkness in KH3.

Goofy: Gawrsh, Lea sure hurried back to Radiant Garden

At the end of DDD, after he saw that Isa had become a vessel, Goofy says Lea hurried back to Radiant Garden. I was so sure that he was going to confront the apprentices and finally learn what happened with Isa. He saw how vessels are made after rescuing Sora. He knew they were made by breaking the person’s soul and having Xehanort’s heart forcibly put into them. He knew Saix had yellow eyes and pointy ears. God, it blew my mind that he never seemed to suspect that Isa might have had the same thing done to him. Never in a million years was I expecting to learn in KH3 that Lea and Isa were “apprentices” all along, and Isa just chose to stay with them because he wanted to get stronger. Um, yeah right.

The longer you know someone, the less you need to speak in clear terms. Everything gets across with a wink and a nudge, a little reading between the lines…When it comes to what befell our late comrades at Castle Oblivion, ambiguity suits me just fine. But the Keyblade master and Roxas come out and say every little thing that comes to mind. Maybe that’s human, or maybe they’re just special.

But in addition to anger, I think he forgot what it felt like to have positive feelings at all. That’s why Roxas was so important to him. He made him remember what being whole felt like. And he also looked like Ventus, so he brought back all sorts of memories from when he was young. There was a time, long ago, when he was just like Roxas.

Talking to Roxas and Xion always brings back memories of my human life, back when I was a kid. It’s a weird sensation. I ought to be able to share all this with Saïx, but I just don’t feel like it anymore. It’s strange, but I’m content with just missing what’s gone. I’m not the one who changed. You did.

From this you can tell that he didn’t always mind talking to Saix. But after spending time with Roxas and Xion, he starts to grow a heart, and then he remembers how genuine friendship felt. He’s sick of living like this. Like a criminal. He wants to eat ice cream and laugh about stupid stuff…And he starts missing Isa. And he can’t stand to be around Saix anymore, since hes nothing like Isa. The chasm between past and present is just too great. 

What were you really after, Lea? We joined the Organization at the same time, and formulated our plan. At this point, it’s just an idle fantasy. Everything changed. You, and me.

Saix says that Axel has changed. He used to be a lot more cold and brutal. Saix says he’s changed as well. I think it’s because he has Isa’s memories, so he can remember what Isa was like. And even he knows that he isn’t like Isa. I thought that was interesting. That he had that level of self-awareness. It must have been confusing to him, too. How different he used to be.

Roxas doesn’t trust me after the whole Xion incident, but I can’t tell him the truth yet. So I keep lying. It’s no big deal when you’re a Nobody. There’s no guilt, no feeling at all. So why does it still sting, just a little, when I lie to him? All my dealings with Roxas give me this bizarre illusion of humanity.

Axel isn’t used to feeling guilt when he lies. He forgot what that felt like, so it surprises him when he feels it. But he can’t imagine it’s anything more than an illusion…

“You know, I’ve been thinking about something Naminé said. Roxas, are you really sure that you don’t have a heart? Is it possible that we ALL have one? You, me, her… Or is that just wishful thinking?”

…Just wishful thinking. It’s too scary to hope for anything more.

Riku Replica was just a tool, but I can’t just use Xion. No, I was wrong to have just used Riku Replica in the first place. How is a man-made puppet any less worthy than a Nobody that was never meant to exist at all? They’re both ambiguous. Tenuous at best.

Even when he does start to feel emotion again, he is confronted with overwhelming despair. He doesn’t even view himself as human. When he’s revived in DDD, he says hes “human again”. As a Nobody he sees himself as sub-human. On the same level as a Replica. When he disappears, he tells Roxas they’ll meet again in the next life. But he really didn’t believe he had one. I don’t think this outlook is just the result of losing his heart. I think it all started with losing his faith in humanity after the experiments were done to him. He sees Roxas as pure and innocent; something he no longer is. To Axel, Roxas is more worthy of humanity than he is. Honestly, he gets even more cynical after he starts to grow a heart again. That’s when he can feel the brunt of his trauma with full force, unlike before.

He had never apologized to anyone before. Or thanked anyone, either. Without a heart, there was never any need. If he had no heart, did it mean anything to say he was lonely, or sorry, or grateful? The words couldn’t be heartfelt, when there was no heart to feel them. But even that word, painful—what could it possibly mean for someone with no heart?

This whole passage from the novel shows how he views himself. He’s ashamed of himself. He knows it’s abnormal to lack emotion. Humans aren’t supposed to be like that. He’s broken. He invalidates his own feelings because he thinks he’s not worthy of having them in his condition.

Axel stretched his neck and munched on his ice cream.

“You know, I don’t mind disappearing.”

Namine’s breath caught.

Riku stared at him.

“Roxas is gone. When we bring Kairi here, Namine will be gone, too. Same for me,” he said, as if he were discussing the weather, and then punctuated his comment with another bite of sea-salt ice cream.

“We don’t disappear…We’re only reborn,” Namine murmured, perhaps to herself.

“I‘m not like you and Roxas,” Axel said flatly, his hand holding his ice pop stick in midair.

“But—But you…” She looked down, clenching her fists.

“It’s because I don’t have a heart,” Axel went on. “I don’t want to disappear, but I’m not upset or sad about it.”

Namine tried to say something and failed.

Nobodies aren’t supposed to exist. Nobodies don’t have hearts, so they can’t feel anything.

I really love how much extra characterization the novels give. Despite all evidence to the contrary, he says he can’t feel anything. Or ironically, maybe he just wishes he didn’t. Maybe he forgot that having a heart can make you feel more profound pain, just as it can make you feel fulfilled. And he mistakes that emptiness for heartlessness.

Then someone else spoke behind him. ”I’ve been waiting for you Axel.”

“Yeah, I figured you’d show up.” His smirk turned nastier as he turned to see Saix. He didn’t take his eyes off the other man as he spoke to the girl in the cage. “Listen, Kairi! Trust me. I’m going to get you out!”

Behind him the portal closed.

“What are you saying…? Vile traitor! The great Claymore took shape at Saix’s back. Axel didn’t waste a second grabbing his chakrams. But his body was reluctant somehow.

I don’t want to disappear…But still, it wouldn’t be so bad if I did. Not here.

What does he even have left? Roxas forgot about him and disappeared. Isa forgot about him a long time ago (he thinks). And now he’s trying to kill him. If he wants to live, he might have to try and kill Isa now. He said he wanted to find hope—the hope that Sora and Riku have. But now? He thinks it wouldn’t be so bad to disappear. He puts on a “nasty smirk” when Saix comes. Just like when he disappeared with Sora, he still put on a smile to hide his pain. Like, wow. That is SO sad. It’s why I the LOVE the fact that his Keyblade is Phoenix-themed. The glorious rebirth from the ashes of death. Both for him and Isa. Yeah, I think the experiments had a devastating effect on Lea that the story didn’t provide any closure to at all. 

[akatdeity]

RULES

On the Muses -

    Hidan is a priest with extremist tendencies. You will often find him with some sort of weapon in his body as a part of ritual self-mutilation. Body horror, existentialism, and general violence is to be expected, and will be tagged accordingly.

    Hidan is mostly friendly and contemplative, but easily slips into teasing that can be cruel. He isn’t looking for relationships that aren’t between him and the Big Guy Down There. Please be patient with him. Don’t force anything. If you want him to be gentle or soft, please DM to plot out something with the mun.

  The only holy thing this blog recognizes is Jashin, so please - no god modding.

   †   .   †   .   †

    Jashin is a god of life and death. He can often be found among the suffering, judging souls and setting them right. Psychological horror, existentialism, and general creepiness is to be expected, and will be tagged accordingly.

    Jashin is calculating, and stares at men as if they are cogs in the grand scheme of his perfect universe. To him, everything has a balance, and so pain and pleasure are two sides of the same coin. He favors very few. Please be patient with him. Don’t force anything. If you want him to be gentle or soft, please DM to plot out something with the mun.

Being a god, he will occasionally intervene in the lives of mortals. Mun will contact you ahead of time as needed. Note that Jashin will not intervene on Hidan’s behalf: his follower will reap what he sows.

   †   .   †   .   †

On the Mun -

Basic Info: Mun has no pronoun preference. Use whatever you like. 

Shipping: Mun is open to almost all pairings where characters have chemistry. 

Hidan/Konan: 🚫

Noncon and domestic abuse: 🚫

NSFW: Mun is 21+. Will write 18+ ships with 21+ RP partners. 

Interactions -

Unless otherwise discussed, Mun usually answers queries assuming that the relationship between characters is that of canon. Muses will interact and ship with everyone, so long as they are compatible! Friendships, rivalry and hateships are also sought after. 

     Style: Paragraph/Prose, usually present-tense.      Length: Match quality not word count.       Asks: 

Put IC dialogue in quotes.

Indicate applicable verses, muse(s) and/or characters. 

If not specified, Mun will choose whatever is inspiring.

    Mutual RP Blogs: ❤️     Non-Mutual RPers: ❤️     Non-RP Blogs: ❤️     Likes & Reblogs: ❤️

All likes are good likes.

Ask before reblogging an RP thread.

Anyone can reblog posts in which Mun is OP. 

    OCs, Alts, Rare and Crossover Characters: ❤️

Please DM a VERY detailed bio prior to interacting. 

   Over-Projection & Kins: 🚫    Callouts/Vagueposts: 🚫

  †   .   †   .   †

FAQS:

    Who are you?

I go by “Akat” on my roleplay Tumblrs, @akatdollie, @akatdeity, and @slcklecell.

If you know my fandom main do not mention it to others, please.

    Are you affiliated with Akatzombie?

No. Akatzombie—though my friend—is run by another wonderfully talented mun.

    Why didn’t you follow me back?

First, this is a side blog. I may have followed you back from my main, “akatsings”. You do not have to follow that blog for me to interact with yours.

Second, I don’t automatically follow back. If I do, I may unfollow at will—nothing against you, I just aim to keep my dash focused for my muses.

Third, if you don’t see that in your follower list, don’t worry! I still answer casual asks (ooc and easy interactions) from anyone, both rp and non-rp blogs.

    How selective are you in general?

I will not respond in detailed prose to any rare, crossover, or OC character without an easy to find biography/intro. I am not researching your muse. That is not fun—it’s homework.

OOC and headcanon asks are fine, though.

I will not answer shipping, violent, or sexual asks for anyone but my mutuals. Even then I only answer what inspires me.

The reason for this is that my muses tend to respond aggressively to unsolicited advances, and I don’t always feel comfortable answering in character.

I won’t thread for anyone but long-term friends or those who respect and understand the dynamics of my characters.

I reserve the right to determine who does and does not meet the above qualifications.

    How selective are you in shipping?

It usually takes me two to three sentences of a reasonable argument/AU to ship something, but I won’t do all the work to make it “happen.”

Further: Just because I generally ship something, doesn’t mean that I will automatically ship my muse with yours. Different muns have different portrayals and different writing styles for the same muses; sometimes these portrayals click. Other times they don’t.

    What if my character doesn’t meet yours in canon?

That’s fine! Just ask or dm me with how you want them to interact (friends? Rivals? Comrades? Etc), plus a scenario where they do meet, and I will tell you how my muse will react in that situation, and then we’ll move on from there.

    What if I want to make an AU for our muses?

Same as above! Give me an idea and we’ll talk about it.

I generally have a lot of open-ended verses that I adapt to fit other people’s muses and ideas. You are free to propose a variation on them, or another verse entirely. However, I won’t be doing all the work in order to get our characters to meet, interact and like/dislike each other—that’s unfair, and too much work on one mun.

If you’re having trouble, start with— “I really think it’s cool if X and Y character—“ etc. Or how you think our characters would work together.

    What if I accidentally break a rule of yours?

If you’re a mutual, I will take a screenshot of the rule and kindly remind you to abide by them. If you’re a stranger, I will automatically soft block or block, depending on how badly the rule was broken and how uncomfortable I feel.

I don’t make these rules to be mean, but to save the time and energy of us all. So if these rules are disregarded, then we will have to cut our losses. I will unfollow when I feel like someone has not read my rule page, and not be inclined to interact.

If you’re unsure if you have broken a rule, please politely ask. I don’t bite really.

    How do I interact with you more?

Send! 👏 More! 👏 Asks!

OOC, or IC, I promise to return the favor.

     Can I have your discord ID?

Nope! This is reserved for long-term friends and mutuals that respect my characters.

If you are one of these people, do not give out my ID without asking, please.

  †   .   †   .   †

Thank you for reading my rules! Mun will extend the same courtesy to you, and will be reading your blog information prior to following or interacting.

   †   .   †   .   †

    Note: Mun works eight to six job Monday through Friday, in addition to running several sideblogs, so replies may be slow. Feel free to poke them if you haven’t heard from them in a while.

About   †   Verses   †   Rules (here)

[linaofthemyscira]

identity asks 16. if you’d grown up in a different environment, do you think you’d have turned out the same? 21. do you love easily. 22. list the top five things you spend the most time doing, in order. 23. how often would you want to see your family every year? 28. on a scale from 1 to 10, how hard is it for someone to get under your skin? 30. pick one of your favorite quotes. 25. could you live as a hermit?

16. if you’d grown up in a different environment, do you think you’d have turned out the same? 

No, I really think my environment is part of the way I am today.

21. do you love easily. 

no, because I have slight trust issues which prevent me from loving easily. 

22. list the top five things you spend the most time doing, in order. 

sleeping, watching netflix, on my phone, doing homework, having existential crises

23. how often would you want to see your family every year? 

I mean I’ve lived with my family my whole life so If I could see them a little less that’s great

28. on a scale from 1 to 10, how hard is it for someone to get under your skin?

it depends on the topic, but in general 6 or 7 

25. could you live as a hermit?

no lol as much as i’m an antisocial nugget sometimes, I still like to see this planet we call earth sometimes

30. pick one of your favorite quotes. 

“Have courage and be kind, for where there is kindness there is goodness and where is goodness there is magic.”

idk where this came from BUT HEY it’s always nice to get asks

[msinha-galaxy]

Motherhood of 16 years.

Amazing years-They just went by swiftly. When I look back to her turning 16; each moment of her being is just divine; A God’s angel gifted to me. She gave a meaning to my life; living my life and my childhood once again through her eyes. Her first cry; her first word; to her first test; to her first sadness; to her first friend all are truly special moments. I wish I could again live them each day.

0 years in the tummy: Kicking mummy dearest with all her might.. for every month making her mumma cry in pain almost bed ridden- Mamma feeding herself Rasgullas and pomegranates and all nutritious food for healthy good looking baby.

I will be helluva of a girl Mamma ! Watch out for me...Navratre comes; full blown pregnant mumma dreams of Durga and Laxmi. Is there a cute little Meri Durga in my tummy?.. mumma is dreaming of little princesses clad in white lehngas running around laughing and giggling around the house with sounds of lil girls wearing Payals. Yes it is the sign of my princess arriving my Durga my Laxmi my Sarswati arriving..

Two days post Dusshera she is Born Eshita Vani !! aka Laxmi Sarswati...

0-1 year : was the most quietest time; beautiful angel always looking towards her mummy with blue eyes. Lil angel beautiful; pink as a rose; doe eyed - mumma’s heart out of her body..

1-2 years: Loathed the Crèche. Howled her lungs out as she had to leave Mumma’s arms. Always looking for mummy’s bosom for breastfeed - the moment mummy is in sight. She knows no one except mummy and mummy’s arms. She cried and cried when she went through a mundan. Mummy’s heart wept to see her that sad.

Calls her father Daadda; doting father; who just lets her do everything- right to Painting the Ghar ka wall with Crayons to not wearing anything only undies...

Comes Mausi the villain - gets the little Esha wean off breast milk - mummy’s heart bled watching Lil Esha lick salt and mirchi. Cried all night missing her comfort - mumma’s Duddhoo. Mausi is practical and loving will sleep with Esha for next 7 days...

2-4 years: Now found new love in grandparents; Aaka; and Mausi. She is fast; supermodel always infront of mirror; changing clothes every 30 mins. Cat walked her way every where.

Mummy made a really bad hairlook to school yet told her teacher my mummy says I am beautiful and look like a princess.

Pride of a lioness cub; lovely as a doe; yet feisty in 2 feet of her being.

Her Aaka is the greatest; her first friend; she ruled him with her demands and he reciprocated with all his love to his Eshu.

Meri laado ki mehndi every weekend courtesy Naana!!

4-6 years: Blackmailed her mummy to buy clothes with her little tantrums in the mall. You should now know her as my little Paris Hilton - color coded top to bottom with mini satchel; sunglasses; shoes and dress. She is my Tyra Banks and Naomi Campbell walking out of Lilliput Kid’s Store.

Enrique Iglesias croaking for her always since kid...A 5 years old Esha singing along I'm not in love it's just a fase that I'm going through i 'm always looking for something new 🎶🎵🎶🎵

Her Daadda disappears... Esha is a l’il sad each day as it goes yet each day a lot more happier with her new life with Naana; Naani and Mummy enfolds with new adventure infront of her... Her Naana becomes her strong fort around her. Her Aaka becomes her bro her friend her mausa No he is only Aaka....

Naani’s little brat was scolded- Little Esha packed her Barbie stroller and said I am leaving the house... couldnot help but turned back from the front door oh she doesn’t know where to go!

Homework with mummy never ! Mummy and home are supposed to be fun... PTM teacher pointed out she doesn’t do homework... Hello aren’t you supposed to teach her... she is supposed to spend time with Mumma and simply have fun.. school changed their rules...

Esha watches her Mausi’s tummy grow with doted eyes who is in there; will be taking her space.

Esha is 5 years and her sister arrives Anika.... She see her come to this world...her mausi shouting to top of her voice.. Amazed to witness the birth of her baby sister

They grow...4 and 9 uff.. what rivalry they share... right from Dresses to Doremon toys-Nothing to share with each other - every minute of love and play broken by a bout of fight and heartbreaks.

Esha growing with Naana and Naani and mummy.. Esha a little sad a little happy as new life stores lots of adventure and new world.

6-10 years: Comes Naani the SuperMom- life mein Twist... Naani brought Esha back to two T-shirts’ and two jeans. Finally hindi lessons and writing at age of 6..

Naani made Esha Raani excel in class. Every year Golden Star award! My Paris Hilton became Super achiever. Every year strived to do better than before...

My Golu molu angel had best of time with her Naana ... Naana loved his piece of heart... Her every wish is a command for him...

Yuvaan her lil brother comes to the world.., Lil Esha all overwhelmed looking at her small bro - dances in celebration in Mumbai along with Anika. She is taking care of her Mausi.. as she is happy for Yuvaan..

10 years-12 years Golu Molu Esha is a bunny toothed. Anjali Ekka is a soul sister; growing friendship see no bound.

My friends are her friends.. Her first pasta at Bristol with Abhishek uncle; Abhishek Uncle became the Pasta Uncle... every weekend she said innocently Aaj pasta uncle ke paas jaa rahe hai Kya ?

Sprite her favorite drink- Naana has smuggled Sprite at home come what may..

She is in love with her Maths teacher Richa Ma’am- she made her fall in love with maths for life...o Richa Maam married why O Richa Maam pregnant ohNo...

13 years - finally teenager Smita mausi - comes with a lot of teen wisdom n a lot of checklist for Lil Esha to accomplish. Her first kindle arrives with Smita mausi. Her love with books grows from here.

Arpita mausi nicknamed Eshita “Rockstar” - shares same interests - mimeing and singing. Hearing Arpita mausi sing- Esha finds her new interest of singing.

13 years : Watches Beti Bachao Andolan asks why it is important... and her existential question where is her dadda.. on talking with him for 3 days she says - mamma I am proud of you .you made the right decision.

Esha I am proud of you... you are my lil hero who inspires me to be the best version of me every day. To smile come what May ...

14-15 years - Mausi and Aaka are the guradian angels. Mausi keeping hawk eye on Esha’s progress.

Gets herself braces. the unbearable pain of braces for the entire year but the future to have better teeth than bunny teeth.

Anika’s Didi is growing; she is the big sister now.. Still sharing rivalry not for Doremon but for “she said- I said” “don’t disturb me”and wet eyes....wahi roothna wahi manaana... Esha Didi is teenager and Anika a small girl still... want to spend more time with Esha Didi. Esha Didi make pasta for me- says Anika

15 to 16 years: Anika’s Didi is motivating Anika to be focused and determined to excel.

Best gift for life embracing Nam myoho renge kyo.. she chants for great boards result and she aces it. Hurrah!

Not to forget Vampire Diaries Netflix Binge watching.. in love with Sherlock Holmes and Suits..My Lil Paris Hilton is now Hermione Jean Granger ( aka Harry Potter fame).

Her favorite actor is some... very difficult spelling ... Ian Somerhalder

Poor Esha - boards over yeah!! blends with lockdown - no respite...

Reading books and more books - her favorite book Becoming Michelle Obama.

My little Paris Hilton is growing taller to read taller books and quotes Michelle Obama on and off to her mummy...“I hope to be exactly like my own mother though not so at all like her at all...,

Hurraaahhh the dreaded Class 10th boards Lil Esha now competitive ; burning Night oil day and night Yesss she aced it she aced it... Aaka sends Gulab Jamun just as Results downloaded...

Nana panicking; Naani trying varied devices to download the result.. bingo SMS arrives the Ace result...Aaka Mausi joins in a dance jig in the evening...

Studying during the day and karoaking with her new mike in the night.. striving for perfection to every song she sings ... not sharing with anyone.. Nah ! It’s not perfect enough to be shared ...

Challenged by her mummy to dance like AlayaF- yeah she does accept the challenge and yet again had fun making her new video jig..

Hazel & Yashica besties forever ! Making new friends; deepening bonds of friendships.....all friends’ late night Zoom calls and socials - the joy; the laughter.. my lil Paris Hilton is now a debating Teenager - bubbling with loads of aspirations and dreams.

To many more trips to Zara, Mango and H&Ms with you...May you always dress the best and look like an angel from heaven as beautiful as my lil Eshu..

Your eyes sparkle with many dreams with focused goals - shhh don’t say it out...

Happy birthday My l’il Paris Hilton you deserve the best in life... look forward to you leaping ahead in life - I would keep looking from here... Cheers to many good days and also to some not so good days - All of universe will manifest to make you stronger and better human being each day as it goes.

Expect the best out of yourself; you deserve extraordinary hence first shape up to be extraordinary. Have a big heart for everyone. Be compassionate And courage to make your dreams come true.. live life to the fullest yet strive for excellence in everything you do..Dream big and live life like a Disney princess!

Your Proud Mother of 16 years

[spacefires]

IB Survival Guide: PART ONE

As someone who’s been through the IB program and finished with horrible mental and physical health, here are some tips and tricks so that you guys don’t end up like me :)

Disclaimer: subject specific tips vary for SL/HL students, go to the bottom of the post to see what HLs and SLs I took

IAS

Please please start your IAs early! Split it out across multiple days! Honestly each section takes around 30 minutes for IAs

GET ALL YOUR THOUGHTS ON THAT PAPER AS SOON AS POSSIBLE FOR ANY IA.

Even if it’s the worst rough copy in the history of the planet, get all your words on there, THEN start editing, formatting, and adding pictures. Trust me, this is much less stressful and your final copy will probably be much cleaner

Science IAs- START YOUR EXPERIMENTS EARLY get as many trials as you can in!

Be sure to talk to your teachers about ideas for your papers beforehand!

Geography/English/French IAs- start early for these too. If you’re like me and you have “oh shit” moments when you suddenly get really good ideas half way through your work and have to restart, starting early for these is a good idea. Especially for geo, writing the IA is relatively easy, spreading it out over 4-5 days works well.

Peer editing is always a good idea, people may catch things you didn’t

EEs

CHOOSE A TOPIC YOU LIKE- Interest plays a big part in how well you do, choosing a topic I was interested in made me not mind spending so much time on my EE

Choosing a topic you don’t like may increase your chance of leaving it to the last minute

START YOUR EEs EARLY and have at least 3 drafts. I split mine up over the course of 4 months, and came out with an A on my Geography EE.

Like the IAs, do one section a day, for example, start with introduction, then methodology, etc. etc.

DO NOT LEAVE YOUR EE TO THE LAST MINUTE PLEASE

I highly suggest doing a geo EE because even if you don’t have results you’re okay, you just have to explain why there was no correlation

Geo EE protips: have lots of pretty handdrawn maps, you can have an ok data analysis and still get a good grade, have good methodology, 

discuss your EE with your supervisor often, make sure you udnerstand what you’re studying

EXAMS

Oh boy this is the scariest part of IB for any student

REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW as much as you can!

Study each subject for at least 5 days!

DO AS MANY PRACTICE EXAMS AS YOU CAN

Seriously, doing practice exams helps you get used to IB’s way of asking you things and you have an idea of what to expect

Do the practice exams guys

Just do them

If your school has mock exams, study really hard for them so you get an idea of how you need to study for the actual examsLook back on mistakes you’ve made on tests/mocks

While studying, focus on your weak points, but don’t ignore your strong points-- forgetting things is easy

SLEEP EARLY DURING EXAM WEEK 

Being refreshed and ready to go is important because youll be able to focus better and your brain will work better-- I did this and it was good

If you’re allowed to take snacks into the exam, take snacks into the exam (but not loud snacks, gummies and stuff)

take water into the exam but don’t drink a lot of water-- pee breaks are a waste of time

if you need to pee during an exam try to hold it in

just try to avoid having to pee

ENGLISH/FRENCH EXAMS:

You can study for your English Lit and French A lang lit exams in like a day if you’re not too keen on getting above a 5. Be familiar with the material

Memorize 5-7 important quotes-- preferable really short ones

Even if it’s not mandatory to memorize quotes, sticking quotes in is an asset

Spend 10-20 minutes planning your essay out, get your ideas down on a paper before writing your essay

Remember: quality over quantity, even if you have lots written down, it’s your ideas that get you most of the marks

Use highlighters, highlight important words, quotes, etc in the passages you’re given

annotate your passages

Have a colour coding system for your passages when you highlight, each colour should be an important point, but have 3-4 main important points, so 3-4 colours (this helps with planning as well)

If your prompt is like, discuss 2 OR MORE something something, discuss only 2, it’s easier, and you waste less time planning/writing, and you can have more ideas

SCIENCE/MATH EXAMS:

Practice problems are good, on top of practice exams

Understand the material!!!!!!!!!!! Memorization is not understanding!!! IB asks a lot of questions that require application

If you suck at calculus, try to understand it better and don’t be like me and assume there isn’t going to be a lot of it.

Seriously study the calculus @all you SL students

Study the calculus

GEO EXAMS

Yeah for this you need to memorize really well, see how well you know the material by going out on walks pointing at things and seeing how you can relate it to what you’ve earned

Study from multiple sources for geo, sometimes there are details that are missed

Memorize lots of case studies and stats!!!!!!!

memorize graphs and maps too, drawing them to support your points in your answers shows how well you understand the material

STUDYING

REVIEW OH MY GOD REVIEW E V E R Y T H I N G as much as possible throughout the year!!!!!!

Tips to force yourself to review:

Take shitty notes in class

This way you have to retake good notes-- wow you’re going over material that was previously taught!

Make cheatsheets! Even if you don’t use them during tests, cheatsheets are a great way to have all your material on one page and ohmygod look at you you’re reviewing your notes again to condense them!

Flash cards work too

Find a way to enjoy writing notes--  for me, I like using fancy pens and highlighters, that way I looked forward to doing it

Find a study environment you like! A cafe, the library, the park, even a different part of the house

Changing your study environment can also help you focus-- a change of scenery helps sometimes and you won’t get bored!

Talk to yourself

Seriously just explain concepts to yourself talk to yourself hearing yourself say it makes the info sink in better

Make really weird mnemonics idk it worked for me

Group studying can help for courses that need discussion in order to better understand concepts-- Geo, English and French

Explaining things to people also helps

Do your homework kids-- even if your teacher doesn’t check it, always find time to do your homework

Do things based on a level of priority

example: I have a test and a big project worth lts of marks due tomorrow (I would focus on the project, but still study for the test enough to have a good grasp of the material)

I know tests don’t count for IB but this is what your teacher bases your predicteds off of, so study hard for them kids. It is also a method of review

Most teachers understand how students can get extremely stressed out with the amount of work we get, if you need an extension for a non-IB related thing, you should be able to ~politely~ ask them

Time management is key, set up schedules for yourself

If you’re studying something you hate, go hard at it for a limited amount of time, then go and study for something you like, or take a brain break

TAKE BREAKS MAN

seriously taking breaks while studying is good

Use apps like forest to keep you focused

reward systems are good too, I do it with chocolate (one piece everytime I finish a chapter)

TOK

 lol good luck

The essay and the presentation are tough-- but you can do it.

The nice thing about TOK is it’s mostly a thought dump, so dump your thoughts before organizing them into an essay

Discuss TOK things with your friends a lot-- you’ll understand better, trust me, you’ll also get good ideas for presentations and stuff!

Get an interesting topic for your TOK presentation ok

discussion is the best advice I can give you guys

TOK is a special course

be prepared to get very angry because all your thoughts will contradict each other

existential crises are fun

That should be about it for Part 1 really, this is mainly academics based, I might add to this as time goes on.

If you have questions!!!! I took Chem HL, Bio HL, Geo HL, English Lit SL, French A Lang Lit SL, and Math SL, and did my EE in Geo. I’m happy to help any young ones out :))

Good Luck all you IB Students! You guys are brave, you can do it :)

[lewigm-blog]

A Year In...

Published February 23rd, 2020 

After Jesus was born in Bethlehem in Judea, during the time of King Herod, Magi from the east came to Jerusalem and asked, “Where is the one who has been born king of the Jews? We saw his star when it rose and have come to worship him.”

When King Herod heard this he was disturbed, and all Jerusalem with him. When he had called together all the people’s chief priests and teachers of the law, he asked them where the Messiah was to be born. “In Bethlehem in Judea,” they replied, “for this is what the prophet has written: “But you, Bethlehem, in the land of Judah, are by no means least among the rulers of Judah; for out of you will come a ruler who will shepherd my people Israel.” Then Herod called the Magi secretly and found out from them the exact time the star had appeared. He sent them to Bethlehem and said, “Go and search carefully for the child. As soon as you find him, report to me, so that I too may go and worship him.”                             - Matthew 2

Sometimes I feel that I can relate to the Pharaoh with his fears and anxieties regarding the newborn Jesus. I don’t know about everyone else, but I find the knowledge and awareness of Christ’s existence to be both terrifying and comforting. I know that there are plenty of things that I have done or thought that need forgiveness. His presence alone is enough to make me feel guilt and even shame. While I understand that we are constantly being forgiven because of His sacrifice, it doesn’t make owning up to those errors and flaws any easier. In fact, this makes me more resistant to the call to conversion and change at times.

“But the Lord hardened Pharaoh’ s heart and he would not listen to Moses and Aaron, just as the Lord had said to Moses.”                                                                                                               - Exodus 9:12

As strange as it sounds, I have found myself feeling less vulnerable one year into the JV-Peru experience than when I first arrived. I’m not directly saying that God has hardened my heart since coming to this land, as was the case with the Pharaoh during the time of Moses and the Exodus, but that I now find myself growing empathetic and sorry for this figure. I would like to imagine that, like most leaders, the pharaoh wanted the best for his people and that his intense desire and love for that mission was misguided and perverted slowly, little by little, without him even realizing the harm he was causing his people. By the time he realized how far it had gone, it was too late, but I suppose that this was the way it was supposed to play out for him. Perhaps this is an overly optimistic perspective on the Pharaoh, but who can know for sure?

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Nostalgic Swimming

During this Christmas season, I find myself in a similar boat as the pharaoh, or rather without a boat in the Red Sea. The transition of new and old volunteers ebbing and flowing through Andahuaylillas have begun to stir and blow away the dust from the corners of my heart that were dormant and unexplored for quite some time. I have also been thinking about what it means to prepare our hearts as a stable for Jesus. We recently had a Christmas reflection and prayer regarding this “preparation” this past Sunday, so this wasn’t a casual thought from me for those wondering.

It is currently 2:18AM on Christmas Eve and, after spending a full year as a volunteer, I have woken up with a desire to write about the preparation process of my own stable! I hope that I can somewhat describe my mini experience of metanoia or “change of heart.” At least, this is what I hope to experience regarding my frame of thinking, feeling and being for this next year.

Although this re-connection with myself and my emotions is difficult to describe, I can compare it to the feeling one has with the rediscovery of a childhood toy, film, or favorite song that makes one go “OOOOOOOHHHH MAN!! THIS IS MY ____”. It is this feeling that reunites us with old memories of tender love and nostalgia, but along with this can come traumatic emotions of fear and anxiety. Both are equally helpful to revisit from time to time as they are a part of the human experience, but this current visit has moved me, especially after being away from what was familiar for over a year now.

My current emotions are of sadness and frustration regarding the ways in which I have not yet fully immersed myself into my JV experience. These emotions have brought me back to my time in Nicaragua, and to the initial shock and awe experienced with those who were there. I remember this particularly with the children. Their ceaseless outpouring of love and affection seem to be more apparent during that time than with my daily encounters today with students in Andahuaylillas.

I wonder why I felt that these old feelings weren’t being translated or carried over into this new experience. How have I grown calloused to the injustices that I see on the street with alcoholism, violence, and child neglect? Why was simple living a seemingly achievable and reasonable concept then, when I rarely uphold that value consistently today? Where has my prayer life gone? Why do I find that community has not been helpful for engaging in this sort of discourse and keeping each other accountable? All these thoughts, or more aptly, these accusations hit harder and harder the more I reflected.

Then I began to think about my trip to Guatemala as a peer facilitator. I remembered feeling anger and frustration throughout that experience. I felt that I had failed my group because I did not meet them where they were. I was challenged by how the group wasn’t taking advantage of the experience, or at least to my liking. It was at this point, perhaps in the fogginess of the early Christmas Eve morning, in which I came to the realization that I was pushing some too hard.

I wanted to take people deeper into something they might not have been ready for. I hoped to push them somewhere in between awkwardness and un-comfortability, a hard tone to hit in any intercultural experience. I wanted others to move beyond the “lighter discomforts” of food, language, and culture shock so that they could move into questions and reflections on privilege, social inequality and access to resources among other things. I mean, what did they expect would happen? Everyone chose to be here, they chose to fundraise, and attend several of my country prep meetings to prepare! Weren’t we all expected to be open and dive into the experience? Well, the short answer is no, they were not!

Father Boyle mentions this sort of “measuring up” in Tattoos on the Heart: The Power of Boundless Compassion. He speaks about this limiting way of putting God in a box and the way that we often restrict ourselves and each other. In a lot of ways I believe that I was also disregarding and boxing people in rather than letting them surprise me with who they were and what they had to say.

I distinctly remember feeling dissatisfied by how the group talked about their experience and, without realizing it, dismissed their reflections. I thought about how they weren’t offering much on the trips. Their reflections never seemed to move beyond ��surface level” discomforts (whatever that meant). Anything that wasn’t helpful to me was tossed aside, dismissed like many of the motivational posts seen on social media.

“In this place of which you say it is a waste… there will be heard again the voice of mirth and the voice of gladness,,. The voices of those who sing,”

  - Jeremiah 33: 9-11 (quoted from Father Greg Boyle’s Tattoos on the Heart)

Although personally what the group shared didn’t always seem profound or groundbreaking, it was for them! In their own way, they were attempting to grasp this new reality and were greatly affected by it. I too was experiencing great change by what I was experiencing in both Nicaragua and Guatemala, but it was just different. While I may have appreciated and invited moments of existential crisis and feelings of ineptitude and solidarity, they were out finding the joy in the lives of the children in other ways. Where I thought I had found waste, they found their fruit and enjoyed sharing their struggles and laughter together.

We all came from various backgrounds with different skills and interests. I was able to lean in a because I was familiar with their language and some of the cultural norms. They were doing their best to live (for some survive) with the constant rice and beans, the quick paced gab that is Central American Spanish, and the ways in which animals on the street were treated among other things. This newfound sense of community is what brought them closer and allowed for them to be there for one another.

One of the main factors that led to my own decision to become a volunteer internationally were the volunteers at the sites in Nicaragua. They received us warmly and openly. They helped guide our group closely and allowed us to grow deeper by listening to our needs individually and presenting both challenging and beautiful opportunities to connect with the culture, people and life in the community. In Nicaragua, Lucia and the three German volunteers saw the need for my friend Kyle Hill and I to participate more with the boys at the site, since they couldn’t connect as males with the boys. My way in was through sports and language which allowed me to relate to the boys and get them to open up. Similarly, in Guatemala, I connected with the workers through soccer as well. For others in my group, it was through afterschool homework help, dance and playing tag, something that I wasn’t necessarily apt or predisposed to.

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Rediscovering the “Why”

Ultimately these experiences were all things that I wanted to live out for my own. This is what I would be saying yes to when I was applying to the JVC program, but it was also one of the first things that I would forget after a few weeks of “adjustment” and observation in Peru. As time passed on, so did my patience and I had let my heart grow harsher and unwelcoming to those around me. It became a cold place that said “No!” adamantly to Jesus and his family many times over. It wasn’t obvious to me at first, but I found this to be the case after my first year with my JV community.

I wanted to dive deeper into the tumultuous waters of intense conversation and challenge with others but didn’t realize that in this exploration and desire to have others follow, I failed to show the kindness and love that I was shown as I became a stronger swimmer, so to speak. My desire and methods to “invite others” into the deep were intense and not always pastoral or even kind. It was actually traumatic for some! I had failed to recognize the gifts in others, the variety of ways in which others swam whether that be through the breaststroke, butterfly, doggy paddle, and their various distances! All should have been appreciated in their own way and I wish I had the trust in my group (and community) described in Teilhard de Chardin, S.J.’s prayer “Patient Trust.”

Why was I seeking to bring people deeper into the world by “offering” a challenge, when it should have been the other way around? This “new” and foreign world was already doing enough of that! It was others who were offering me the challenge of meeting them where they were, to walk with them at their pace to grow. In retrospect, it was ridiculous to think that I would serve as the impetus for their change. At the time however, I thought my intentions were pure and ideal for them to lean into the experience. And to be fair, my ideas and wishes for others were good willed and honest at first, but slowly I grew to feel “above others” as may have been the case with the pharaoh.

A recent conversation with a friend from one of my retreat experiences had me reflecting on my role as a volunteer and participant in these experiences. I have always appreciated ways in which retreats helped me to become more empathetic and active listener, but I felt that I wasn’t getting much out of it at a certain point. After 10 retreat experiences it can become a challenge to be… well, challenged (I would finish college with 15 total retreats)! My friend and I talked about how now that we are beyond the “freshman” perspective of retreats and were now in more of a grad student-facilitator mindset. Our roles shifted from being sharers, to listeners, being guided principally by the one sharing. That isn’t to say that our roles are now to be valued more or placed on a pedestal, but that based on our experiences we now prefer this new role as it is helping us grow. I may have already been through the wonderful experiences of Search, Kairos, and other retreat experiences, but I experience and view them now very differently.

This conversation helped me realize that the same thing is now happening to me in the international context. Although I had been on other immersion experiences, this was something completely different. My heart was becoming hardened and calloused after “training” and forming myself within the Ignatian tradition during my time at Scranton. While I have grown more aware of different techniques to engage with others, I have also failed to adapt to the new situations and began to lose myself in the international context. I shouldn’t be too hard on myself given that this is the first time I live outside of my home with 3 “Woo” girls away from friends and family (Click here for the reference).

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End of the first year…

With all that said, I should probably describe some of the moments that I have experienced so that it might make more sense! The first moment comes from a fellow Cadis born Spanish volunteer who lived with us, Pablo Lobato. I was initially excited by the idea of having a male volunteer that was to stay with us for two years. However, once work started it became difficult to enjoy his company for a number of reasons. Having the same responsibilities at Fe y Alegria grew to be cumbersome with the amount of time we were spending with each other and when it came to organizing lesson plans that may not happen. Our states of mind and emotions influenced each other heavily. As you may remember from the previous newsletter, the challenge at Fe y Alegria was that there wasn’t a great deal of organization at the school and had I lost much interest and passion in the work. The same was true for Pablo. The situation affected Pablo so much that he was burnt out after a few months. It would lead to him ending his volunteer experience a year early.

Curiously enough, once Pablo made the decision to leave, things seemed to improve for him. He still had a few months to go and made the best of it. He joked around with folks from Fe y Alegria more and at his other worksite in Urcos. His openness and sense of humor brought him closer to those at work and even with others at the parish. He would often be out spending time with folks outside of our home and he really began to enjoy Andahuaylillas, even with its Oh Peru moments. Once December hit, the love and sadness expressed by everyone he knew was quite moving and made me think about how I would feel if I were leaving that year.

I realized that my own approach to developing relationships was perhaps a bit too cold. A few months in, I remembered pushing away a few of the local parish workers after having made plans to play soccer. I was angry because they had stood me up for over an hour on three separate occasions. So I (regretfully) called them out and told them that I wouldn’t go to anything they invited me to because it probably wouldn’t end up happening or would go on too late. In the moment, I thought that it would make clear that I don’t really abide by the “Peruvian Hour,” when it really only alienated me more than I already was as a gringo. My stable was becoming unwelcoming and standoffish, and its love, conditional. It is important to note that Peruvians and Latin Americans have an interesting concept of time. Time is a social construct where 30 minutes can mean an hour or two. This all seems to be universally understood amongst Peruvians, but it continues to frustrate me to this day.

A master of this concept and someone who helps me manage my struggle with punctuality is one of my closer friends in Andahuaylillas, Amilkar or Micky for short. He helps out at the parish and our mutual love for FC Barcelona has us meeting at least once a week to watch the game or play soccer at the Maracana turf field. We also play guitar at mass together whenever either of us can. Aside from that, we don’t spend too much of our time together discussing our personal lives. Since I play mostly on Sundays in the Temple, Micky is a part of the Saturday crew which included Pablo on the cajon or sound box. When the pastoral team at the parish and Pablo and I from Fe y Alegria had to come together to organize the kids’ First Communion I saw what the dynamics were like with Pablo and Micky.

They were constantly bagging on each other and Pablo seemed to be a much livelier person than I’d ever seen him. They would share in each other’s qualms about the lack of organization on both fronts and take joy in staying late after mass to chat about life. It was refreshing to see Pablo in this light. Once we had finished coordinating the First Communion, which took place on December 8th, we had a plethora of despedidas or going away parties. Given that 4 volunteers were leaving Mountain house, there were no shortage of cakes, meals and tears. It was quite a beautiful thing to witness and it all came to a culmination when we celebrated our final misa together.

El Estadio de Maracana de Andahuaylillas. Quite arguably, my favorite turf field with a view of the Coriorco Mountain

The Weekend Crew

So happy to have finished with Primera Comunion. It was a tough and beautiful year indeed

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Final Misa

With it being Christmas time, a number of masses had already been “booked” by other groups leaving me without a clear role at mass. It was nice to not have to play and to participate in a different way. I was able to immerse myself more fully and reconnected with my old self that wasn’t being brought out. All my motions had purpose, the readings were clear, and I felt connected with the church. Ever since I began to lead the chorus on Sundays, I have been focusing more on playing the songs well instead of listening to what the songs were saying and what the readings were for the day. I used to always find solace and a “lighter” sense of myself when at mass. When our inchoate chorus sung without confidence early on, I began to lose this magical feeling at mass.

I think my failure to pray and reflect WITH God instead of just going through the motions was affecting me greatly. Once this responsibility was lifted temporarily, I enjoyed mass once more. This is, of course, all in retrospect and doesn’t include the misas at home, which were also scarce due to Padre Gonzalo’s limited availability. I don’t know if any of you reading this have had a similar experience at mass, but I am looking for ways to stay intentional and focused during mass (so please share!). It’s challenging when playing for a folks who should believe that all voices singing to God are beautiful. This is not always the case though!

As per usual, the initial impetus comes from the Misa that was celebrated this past week. It was our last misa with a majority of the house, whom we had spent the past year or so with but also the first Misa experience for the new volunteers. It wasn’t so much the scripture readings that affected me, but the fact that this was the last misa we would celebrate as Mountain House 2019! Even with all the frustration that I had experienced the past year, there was a lot of joy and fun too. It all hit me at once when Pablo admitted that he would miss us all dearly and alluded to his regret in his decision to leave. It was a touching moment that was only made worse by my slowing down of the ofertorio song Tomad Señor y Recibid (which is Saint Ignatius’ Suscipe Prayer).

The question now is “What now?” This, like all reflections, means nothing if these “airy “topics and subjects are not made incarnado or made flesh/incarnate. St. Ignatius does ask us to be contemplatives in action after all! After a long pattern of closing up my heart and stable from others, I have begun re-open up shop. It’ll take time, but I hope that with the arrival of the new community we can start fresh and find our rhythm early on! Can’t wait to MAGA it up for 2020! Here’s to Making Andahuaylillas Great Again!

Google Photos Link: https://photos.app.goo.gl/3hbgZLo3USHxDDU57

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“Heaven only knows”

As a random or connected note, these thoughts and reflections come at a time when I realized that many of the songs that I had once cherished and appreciated as a child, mostly from my beloved first CD “album” Now That What I Call Music 19, released in 2005. I was thinking about John Legend’s Heaven and when I went to search for it in my files, there was no trace of it anywhere! I went to search for Ordinary and could not find that or several other songs from that time period. I was most upset to find that all things Coldplay were absent. Speed of Sound really helped kickstart my passion and love for music during my VH1 viewing days.

I mention this because music was what really helped me capture the moment in a sort of time capsule. It inspired and reaffirmed me during difficult lulls and times of change and transition. It is a categorized portal into my life, especially the ways in which I organize my own music.

Exhibit A: 2017 was certainly a coming of age year for me…I don’t know what every hashtag means, but some things definitely stand out for me.

           I hope that this rediscovery of old music will also motivate me to begin the new year with some chispa and passion. Perhaps this new year and community can be an opportunity for me to take advantage of what Peru has to offer. I wish for more openness with the Oh Peru moments, less judgement and heart hardening moment and enough discipline to actually read and write often. So I bid 2019 farewell with a few lyrics from John Legend’s Heaven. Cheers to second chances and to this next year!  

So will you come back to me?

Make this night the best night It's time for second chance Turn the beat up on repeat, and we can start to dance…

Heaven only knows

Our final Tiny Airport (Desk) Concert was pretty awesome

They are definitely smarter, taller and more hilarious a year later. I miss them so much!

[hearteyeslikeafooligan]

I rotated and adjusted the lighting on that quote from the bottom left, to find what article it was referring to, since it’s the cover page of a newspaper section.  

It reads:

Ta-Nehisi Coates: “It was as if I’d spent all my years jiggling the key in the wrong lock.”

The editor who put that quote on the cover page seems to have misquoted the article though, because the actual quote from the article is, “It was as if I had spent my years jiggling a key into the wrong lock.” 

Married with a young child, he possessed intellectual curiosity and the gift of a wordsmith. He produced an essay about Bill Cosby that caught attention and led to a relationship with the Atlantic magazine, where he is now a national correspondent. His ascent coincided with Obama’s and a new world of possibilities. “It was as if I had spent my years jiggling a key into the wrong lock. The lock was changed. The doors swung open, and we did not know how to act.”

https://www.theguardian.com/books/2017/oct/08/ta-nehisi-coates-our-story-is-a-tragedy-but-doesnt-depress-me-we-were-eight-years-in-power-interview

Below is a cut and paste of the article in case you can’t access that link.

Ta-Nehisi Coates The Observer

Ta-Nehisi Coates: the laureate of black lives Coates’s eloquent polemics on the black experience in America brought him fame and the admiration of Barack Obama. Here he talks about the rise of white supremacy – and why Trump was a logical conclusion

Ta-Nehisi Coates is short on sleep. He did five interviews yesterday to promote his new book, We Were Eight Years in Power: An American Tragedy. Today there was another at 7am, then surgery “to get a little thing removed” from his neck. As his tall frame appears in the doorway of an office at his New York publisher, a bandage is visible above the collar of his blue suit jacket.

Coates is friendly but fatigued and yawns several times during the course of our conversation. Some questions animate him and he digs deep with evident passion; others elicit a brief “I don’t know”. The interview doesn’t always flow. But even on an off-day, Coates, 42, is more compelling than almost any other public voice about the state we’re in. The New York Times described him as “the pre-eminent black public intellectual of his generation”. The novelist Toni Morrison compared him to James Baldwin. He emerged as the equivalent of poet laureate during Barack Obama’s presidency, chronicling the spirit of the age. If anything, the advent of Trump has pushed his stock higher. Coates admits it is “tremendously irritating” to be in constant demand by the media, as if he is sole spokesman for African American affairs.

But he does have much to say about Trump and the divided states of America. His book is a collection of eight essays he published during Obama’s eight years in office plus new material, including an epilogue entitled “The First White President”, in which he contends that Trump’s ability to tap the ancient well of racism was not incidental but fundamental to his election win. Many people have called Trump a racist or white supremacist, but Coates has the rare ability to express it in clear prose that combines historical scholarship with personal experience of being black in today’s America.

Halifu Osumare, director of African American and African Studies at the University of California, says: “Ta-Nehisi Coates has done his homework, including much self-reflection. He clearly knows his literary forerunners – [Richard] Wright, Baldwin and Morrison, yet he speaks as a 21st-century writer. He eloquently conflates the personal, political and the existential, while telling it like it is.”

Certainly, in contrast with other commentators, Coates has no qualms about stating that the White House is occupied by a white supremacist (a term he does not apply to other Republicans, such as George HW Bush or George W Bush). He lays out evidence that Trump, despite his upbringing in liberal New York, has a long history of racial discrimination. There was the 1973 federal lawsuit against him and his father for alleged bias against black people seeking to rent at Trump housing developments in New York. Trump took out ads in four daily newspapers calling for the reintroduction of the death penalty in 1989 after five African American and Latino teenagers were accused of assaulting and raping a white woman in Central Park. Even after the five were cleared by DNA evidence, he continued to insist: “They admitted they were guilty.”

He was once quoted as saying: “Black guys counting my money! I hate it. The only kind of people I want counting my money are short guys that wear yarmulkes every day.” More recently, Trump was a leading proponent of the “birther” movement, pushing the conspiracy theory that Obama was not born in the US and therefore an illegitimate president. While running for president, he said that a judge of Mexican heritage would be unfair to him in a court case because he was a “hater” and a “Mexican”. In one interview, Trump refused to condemn the Ku Klux Klan (he subsequently blamed a faulty earpiece).

In his epilogue, Coates writes: “To Trump, whiteness is neither notional nor symbolic, but the very core of his power. In this, Trump is not singular. But whereas his forebears carried whiteness like an ancestral talisman, Trump cracked the glowing amulet open, releasing its eldritch energies.”

Since then, there has been a white supremacist march in Charlottesville, Virginia, in which a civil rights protester was killed, prompting Trump’s comment that there were “very fine people on both sides”. Today, Coates adds the president’s visit to hurricane-hit Puerto Rico to Trump’s charge sheet: “Just yesterday, he goes to a part of the United States that’s been devastated by a natural disaster and throws toilet paper out to the crowd like they’re peasants or something. There are people in this country who will not be happy until Donald Trump is literally executing a lynching before they’ll use that term [white supremacist]. I’m not going to play around; let’s call things what they are.”

Last month Trump was at it again, condemning American football players who “take the knee” during the national anthem to make a statement against racial injustice. Throwing red meat to his base at a rally in Alabama, he called on team owners to fire them and to say: “Get that son of a bitch off the field right now.” The protest was started last year by Colin Kaepernick of San Francisco 49ers. Coates reflects: “Kaepernick’s protest has been very successful. I really appreciate the fact that he’s been giving away money to organisations; he pledged to give away a million dollars and he’s been doing it.”

But Trump used his familiar tactics to divert and distract, kicking up bitter divisions around the anthem, the military, how much sportsmen earn, the meaning of patriotism and, of course, himself. Amid the media storm, it was easy to forget what the original protest was about. “The police brutality element has been lost, but I think that is a danger that all protests face,” Coates says. “At some point, you’re always co-opted, successful protests especially. It happened in the civil rights movement. People forget that the 1963 march [on Washington] was for jobs: that somehow got lost, and it became this warm, fuzzy thing [now best known for Martin Luther King’s “I have a dream” speech].”

The notion that all these issues would be resolved by Obama was always fanciful. Even so, Coates was swept up in the euphoria with millions of others in 2008 when the US elected its first black president. Had the nation – whose founding fathers were slave owners, and where today African Americans are incarcerated at more than five times the rate of whites – truly changed? Coates admits he took his eye off the ball. The racial backlash was coming.

“The symbolic power of Barack Obama’s presidency – that whiteness was no longer strong enough to prevent peons taking up residence in the castle – assaulted the most deeply rooted notions of white supremacy and instilled fear in its adherents and beneficiaries,” he writes. “And it was that fear that gave the symbols Donald Trump deployed – the symbols of racism – enough potency to make him president, and thus put him in position to injure the world.”

Trump did not come out of nowhere; he was the logical conclusion of years of racial dog whistles from the Republican party, which has sought to suppress the black vote through spurious claims of cracking down on fraud. Coates recounts: “Throughout his eight years in office, Barack Obama endured a campaign of illegitimacy waged either by pluralities or majorities of the Republican party. Donald Trump rooted his candidacy in that campaign. It’s fairly obvious.

“His first real foray out again as a political candidate was into birthism [Trump began questioning Obama’s birthplace in TV interviews in 2011], and a lot of people dismissed birthism as just something cranks do and we don’t have to deal with. That was a huge mistake: it underrated the long tradition of denying black people their citizenship and basic rights. That was what this was piggybacking off of, so it’s not a mistake that he started there and then became president at all.”

Coates does not make the claim that all 63 million people who voted for Trump are white supremacists; but they were, he points out, willing to hand the government over to one. It was an astonishingly reckless act. Coates’s book is a wake-up call to white America, a holding to account. “So this question, is everyone who voted for Trump a racist? This misses the point. Did everyone in Nazi Germany believe all the stereotypes about Jews? Of course not. It’s beside the point.

“When France deported its Jews, did everyone in France believe all this stuff? No, but that’s beside the point. Looking the other way has consequences and you might not be a racist or a white supremacist or a bigot, but if you voted for Trump, you looked the other way, you said it’s fine to have that in the White House, and a substantial number of Americans felt that way. That’s a statement.”

Coates also takes issue with the media’s obsession with the white working class as a bloc that turned its back on Democrats and defected to Trump. His book challenges politicians and journalists who make earnest defences of Trump-voting communities as “good people” not motivated by bigotry. Countless articles and books such as Hillbilly Elegy by JD Vance, a memoir about growing up in the white underclass, have been studied as key to understanding the despair of small towns left behind by globalisation. Are they missing the point? Is class secondary to race?

“It’s not like most working-class people voted for Donald Trump; they did not,” Coates says. “Most white working-class people voted for Donald Trump and the through line that you find is whiteness, not class and not gender. It’s not like he only got men; he got a majority of white women too. So if you look at categories of white people you find Trump being dominant among them, in part because of the appeal he made, but also in part because the Republican party has effectively become in this country the party of white people.

“What’s happening is the white working class is being used as a kind of signpost tool… There is some effort not just to absolve white working people, but to absolve whiteness because here’s the deal: ‘Oh, it’s fine that white working-class people and white poor people voted for Donald Trump because over the past 30 years they’ve had unmet expectations. And it’s also fine that rich white people voted for Donald Trump because of tax cuts.’ Come on: everybody gets off the hook.”

And yet many senators, including Bernie Sanders, whom Coates supported in the Democratic primary, Al Franken and Elizabeth Warren have argued that a generation of economic stagnation is real, fuelling anger that led some voters to throw a grenade at the Washington establishment. Middle- and working-class parents are frustrated that their children will not have the same opportunities they did. Trump’s defeated opponent Hillary Clinton writes in her new memoir: “After studying the French Revolution, De Tocqueville wrote that revolts tend to start not in places where conditions are worst, but in places where expectations are most unmet.”

To that, Coates responds: “Those expectations are built on being white. People say that as though it’s indivisible from the idea of race. You want to talk about unmet expectations? Black folks have been dealing with that since we got here, so the notion that, ‘My child isn’t going to have it as good as me, so that therefore gives me the right to vote for someone who conducts diplomacy with a rogue nuclear state via Twitter’ – that don’t work. Bottom line is, a significant number of people in this country have tolerance for bigotry. No one, I don’t think, can act like they didn’t know. You know I think [Trump’s racist] comments were well reported and America just decided it was OK.”

When white voters make bad decisions, Coates argues, excuses are made; when black voters do it, they get the blame. Coates recalls how the election of Marion Barry as mayor of the District of Columbia [later to be caught on camera smoking crack cocaine] prompted articles suggesting people in the district should lose the right to vote. “So there’s all this kind of rope that’s given, all these excuses allowed when you’re white in this country. But if black people acted that civically irresponsibly, that rope would not be awarded.

“Like you take the opioid crisis and all of the compassion that’s doled out in the rhetoric? Where was that during the crack epidemic in the 1980s? I remember it well. I was in a city where that was going on. Where was all that compassion? Black people aren’t worthy of that. That’s a story that can be created for white people because they’re white, but we don’t get that sort of compassion.”

Democrats are said to be torn between an emphasis on economic justice that aims to win back Trump voters and an emphasis on racial justice that will energise its liberal base. Asked about the future direction of the party, Coates is hesitant: “I don’t know. I shouldn’t answer that.” But after a pause, he weighs in: “Here’s one thing. I don’t think they can get away from talking about race because of the way things are aligned. You’ve got to get to a state like South Carolina or Georgia: these states have large numbers of black and brown voters.”

Coates grew up in Baltimore, where Francis Scott Key wrote The Star Spangled Banner and the first residential racial segregation law in any US city was enacted. More recently, it was famous for David Simon’s crime drama The Wire. “I had very little interaction with white people as a kid,” Coates recalls. “I think about what my world looked like as a child, a place that felt fearful, violent, then I’d put on the TV and I’d see that that was not the country at least as it advertised itself. That struck me and I always wanted to know why, what was the difference, why was my house not like Family Ties? That motivated a great deal of my work from the time I was young.”

His father, Paul Coates, was a Vietnam war veteran, Black Panther and voracious collector of books about the history of black struggle. Paul Coates had seven children by four women and was an intellectually inspiring father who also administered beatings. Coates has described him with affection as “a practising fascist, mandating books and banning religion”. The religion ban worked – Coates is an atheist – and so did the books, eventually. In February 2007, Coates, then 31, had just lost his third job in seven years and was trying to stay off welfare. He writes: “I’d felt like a failure all my life – stumbling out of middle school, kicked out of high school, dropping out of college... ‘College dropout’ means something different when you’re black. College is often thought of as the line between the power to secure yourself and your family, and the power of someone else securing you in a prison or grave.”

Married with a young child, he possessed intellectual curiosity and the gift of a wordsmith. He produced an essay about Bill Cosby that caught attention and led to a relationship with the Atlantic magazine, where he is now a national correspondent. His ascent coincided with Obama’s and a new world of possibilities. “It was as if I had spent my years jiggling a key into the wrong lock. The lock was changed. The doors swung open, and we did not know how to act.”

Coates made a splash with a 2014 article for the Atlantic arguing that the US should pay African Americans reparations for slavery. Then, a year later, came Between the World and Me, a rumination on black life and white supremacy, addressed to his teenage son in a letter form that evoked Baldwin’s The Fire Next Time. It argued that the “destruction of black bodies” is not simply a recurring theme of American history but its central premise. It won the National Book Award in nonfiction, sold 1.5m copies around the world and has been translated into 19 languages.

As his star rose, Coates was invited to the White House. He got to spend time with Obama, whose fundamental optimism in America had convinced him that Trump could not win. He says: “He was tremendously intelligent, one of the smartest people I’d ever talked to, and he was smart in many ways. I met him a few times: one was with a bunch of journalists and he had the ability to address each journalist in their specific area in a very learned way. I thought he was brilliant.”

He reckons “in the main” Obama lived up to the impossibly high expectations of his presidency. “He had an incredible tightrope to walk and it’s difficult, man. You’re the first black president and you’ve got to represent a community, then speak to a larger country at the same time. If he was more radical he wouldn’t have been president. That’s what I’ve come around to: who he was was what the country wanted at that time. He can’t be me; not that he should want to be. But it’s a very different calling.”

Indeed, Coates sees himself as a writer – including of a comic-book series starring superhero the Black Panther – rather than an activist or potential politician. “That’s what I’m supposed to be doing because it’s what calls to me and it’s what I’m good at, what I excel at. I don’t really excel at this other stuff. I’m not a person who’s going to say whatever I have to say to get a coalition together, which is what you have to do in politics. I’m a writer.”

Towards the end of the interview, the questions become longer and Coates’s answers become shorter. He is probably relieved when it’s over, though he is too polite to say so.

Later he is busy tweeting links to articles about gun violence, nuclear war and earthquakes, jokingly chiding their authors for offering no hope. It is a charge with which he is all too familiar. “Our story is a tragedy,” he writes in We Were Eight Years in Power. “I know it sounds odd, but that belief does not depress me. It focuses me. After all, I am an atheist and thus do not believe anything, even a strongly held belief, is destiny... The worst really is possible. My aim is never to be caught, as the rappers say, acting like it can’t happen. And my ambition is to write both in defiance of tragedy and in blindness of its possibility, to keep screaming into the waves – just as my ancestors did.”

• We Were Eight Years in Power by Ta-Nehisi Coates is published by Hamish Hamilton (£16.99). To order a copy for £14.44 go to guardianbookshop.com or call 0330 333 6846. Free UK p&p over £10, online orders only. Phone orders min p&p of £1.99

[absurdistocchiolism]

random questions meme

  Rules: Answer the questions written by the person who tagged you and write 11 of your own.

Got tagged by @theticklishpear

1. If you could learn all the careers you ever wanted to be in a single year, what would you study?

My brain is all over the place! Physics of all kinds for a start. Astrophysics, quantum physics... also, marine biology, oceanography... astronomy for sure! Linguistics as something on the side too. Paleontology, holy hell, dinosaurs, gimme!!!

Ahem...like I said, all over the place.

2. Tomorrow’s the last day of the universe. You have 24 hours to do anything you want, no limits. What will you be doing in the last seconds of our universe’s existence?

In the morning I would want to just hop in a plane and just fly all over, even above the cloudline,  getting one last long look at the world.  Then at night, get as high into orbit as possible in said plane with an oxygen tank and throw myself out so I can finally get an unobstructed view of the Milky Way in all its splendor. It would be my last chance to look at it. Might as well go out just at the moment that it all goes.

3. First ever film you remember watching in a movie theater?

I cannot actually recall this in a movie theater. My earliest movie memory is of going to an outdoor drive-in with my family (mom, dad, brother) to see Jurassic Park. Its also my happiest memory, of the hour or two before the movie started, I would wander around the giant parking and the surrounding fields, looking for lost things in the sand/dirt/grass, eating treats I would otherwise never eat, and family troubles being (seemingly) far away....AND THEN BEING BLOWN AWAY BY THE SPECIAL EFFECTS OF THE MOVIE HOLY SHIT.

4. Have you ever met a celebrity/role model/king or queen and who was it?

Nah,but I did  get within a mile of the Dalai Lama once. There once was a group of Vietnamese immigrants who ended up buying an old boarding house near my own home (in the woods, the middle of nowhere!) and renovated it into a Buddhist temple. Maybe a year afterwards, the head monk, named Bon Dhat, came to see me at my house (we had met before, he was very friendly!) all excited and so happy because they had been blessed at their place of meditation with a visit from the Dalai Lama himself! I had never seen him so happy, and he was about the most cheerful person I had ever met.

So that’s how, while I was doing math homework and being more than a little miserable, I missed a visit from the Dalai Lama on my dirt-road street in rural Canada within a mile of myself. Oh well!

5. What do you do when you’re bored?

Read something, either a book or from the internet (usually Wikipedia). Play with my dog, write (bad, and very personal) poetry, try to write one of my stories, clean the house...eat...take a walk with my dog...ask myself existential questions...y’know, normal stuff...

6. What type of food would you sell if you opened a restaurant?

Ha, probably BBQ meals, literally from the grill because I’m good at it, with a specialty ‘dessert’ of thick bacon strips on-a-stick, with a variety of flavouring options for it. I might also try to find a way to replicate the taste of toast on an open fire camping-style. That has a unique flavor I just never get anywhere else. Maybe a camping-themed place? with everything cooked on an open fire! wooo!!

7. What year has been the best of your life and why?

I can’t pinpoint a year, mostly because my sense of time is just whack. But also because I haven’t really had a ‘good year’ ever since puberty, when the depression settled in along with the wild teenage hormones. So anytime before that, when I was free in the woods and pre-pubescent, was good I suppose.

8. How do you react when you see an animal pass by while walking down the street?

I always need to resist the urge to interact with any animal. But it also depends on the animal sometimes. Skunks? MUST SHOW DEFERENCE. Racoons?, Hey buddy, you want something to eat? Ravens? Those I always feel the need to ‘talk’ to. They are smart enough to have weird interactions with, and I love weird. So I chat up corvids in general. I miss the woods, when they were everywhere. Now the sight of any single one is a treat.

9. How would you survive the Hunger Games?

Uuuuuuuhhh, would I be able to kill children? Probably not. So my chances would be slim.

10. Would you rather live up to age 20 having lived the success of all your wildest dreams or live up to age 90 having lived simply a beautiful ordinary life?

‘Success’ is not an end goal for me, but living until 90 sounds daunting. Maybe if I could find a way to live in relatively good health for the duration of it without becoming a burden, I think I could make it worthwhile. But man, watching my elder relatives wither away, some to things like Alzheimer's, has not exactly given me great expectations for my own old age.

11. What’s something you’ve always wanted to do but never have because of fear?

SKYDIVING. ACTUALLY DATE SOMEONE. TAKE A TRIP ON MY OWN. Touch a medusa (animal), those scare me because of ONE nightmare I had. But they’re beautiful, and I would like to face my fear of them at least once.

Okay, here’s my questions!

1. If you could invent a word in any language, what would it be and what would it mean? Noun, adjective or verb? Go wild!

2. Your ideal home, location , size, yard?, number of rooms, how many levels? Dream!

3. Your favorite quote/line from a book or movie or poem, and why? What does it make you feel?

4. You just inherited a billion dollars from an obscure and distant relative. Quick, what do you do with it?

5. What’s your motto, if you can think of one?

6.Oh shit! You can shapeshift! What’s the first thing you turn into?

7. You have an intergalactic ticket to go anywhere in the universe, where do you want to go?

8. What would you tell your younger self to get them encouraged to keep going on?

9. Wow, you are suddenly immortal and invulnerable to any harm! What’s the first thing you want to do and what would you spend eternity doing?

10. What was your strangest dream?

11. Funniest joke/story/pun you’ve ever heard?

I’ll tag @dragonhearted-clevergirl @theloveworthlivingfor @veliseraptor @rogueoftimeywimeystuff and @theticklishpear , if any of these questions appeal to you, feel free to answer them! as always , thanks for thinking of me!