#quite proud of this despite its messiness since i was able to go straight from sketch to lineless

[hexadopamine]

happy 9th anniversary, undertale

[rosepetalmark]

can we kiss forever?

↬ Mark Lee x Reader ↬1.9k Words ↬ Genre: Pure Fluff / kinda smut?? (just two people making out and feeling each other up) ↬Warnings: None

“You’re making me nervous.” He giggles. His plump, round cheeks turning crimson red the moment he finished speaking. 

“I literally just kissed your neck,  Mark.”

“I know but like, we haven’t really done this before so it’s kinda weird.” He continues to laugh, this time curling himself up into a ball and situating his head in the crevice of your neck, wrapping his arm around your torso and holding you tight. 

Pouting your lips, you couldn’t help but stare in awe at how adorable he was being. You’ve only been officially dating for a month, and he wanted to take things slow, which was completely fine with you, as you wanted to make sure both you and Mark were ready for whatever future intimacy your relationship has to offer.

But despite the purity that came with your gradual exploration of one another, you were not sure on how to go about his laughter when it came to kissing. 

“So your first instinct is to laugh?” You question, running your fingers through his short black hair, a gesture you grew quite fond of once you two began dating. 

Looking up into your eyes, he removes himself from his tight hold from your body and gives you his signature Mark Lee stare, the one where he looks at you eyes wide and yearning for information. The rays of the setting sun hitting just in the right spot, prompting them to glimmer and appear even more soft and loving, your chest and cheeks growing warm at the angelic sight of him. 

“It’s not my fault your lips are ticklish! God, this is so embarrassing.” He whines, his face in his hands hiding his body even further into your side.

“Baby there’s nothing to be embarrassed about.” Pleading with him, you wanted him to know it was okay that he didn’t want to delve into this right now.

Mark told you straight from the beginning that the most he’s ever done is hold hands with a girl, and the occasional peck on the lips and cheek, but that was it. Intimacy and relationships were all new to him, so it would take a while for him to understand and process what was happening, along with what he likes and dislikes.

“I can’t even make out with my girlfriend without laughing! How is that nothing to be embarrassed about?” Sighing, he unwraps his arm from your waist, sitting upright on his bed, dropping his head and staring straight into his hands on his lap.

“It’s not that I don’t want this or I’m not ready, I uh- like don’t know how? I guess? Yeah, I’m just nervous and um I really like you and want to kiss you a lot, like a lot, but i guess i’m just scared I’m going to suck and you won’t want to kiss me or even be with me anymore.”

Making out and exploring each other’s bodies was supposed to be intimate and fun, and the fact that Mark was stressed about the entire situation made your heart shatter. You were with him because of his big heart and goofy personality, not because you thought he’d be amazing in bed down the line in your relationship. 

Placing a hand on his cheek, you couldn’t help but melt at how distraught he looks.

“Mark Lee, I have been friends with you since we were teenagers and even though we haven’t been dating long. there is nothing you could do that would drive me away at this point. I like you way too much to ever let you go.”

Which was true. You remember meeting Mark way back in high school, when he still had braces and stayed to himself, always reading a new comic or novel at lunch while your group of friends gossiped or made plans for the weekend. Despite being shy and hardly speaking to you the first year of knowing you, there was always something about him that intrigued you and made you get butterflies in your stomach whenever you saw him. 

“Besides.” You say, getting back up from your comfortable position to mirror Mark’s cross legged stature. “If you suck at kissing now it just means there’s room for more kissing so you can get better.” 

“Thank you.” He whispered, bringing his body towards yours and engulfing you in a tight hug, his head once again finding its way to perfectly fit in your neck.

Your bring it upon yourself to kiss Mark on his forehead, it being an action of yours that calms him down whenever his mind is operating at a speed beyond comprehension. 

You've discovered that cuddling into your side is his favourite place to be whenever you are together. Mark would always hold on to you tightly, while delicately placing his head above your collarbone, his soft breath fanning your neck always providing you with the slightest bit of comfort.

Reaching for his neck, you move your body to signal that you wanted him to look at you, to let him understand that no matter what, he will always be the boy that makes your heart flutter, no matter the circumstance. “I just want us to always be on the same page, no matter the concern. Okay?”

Nodding his head, you bring your face closer to his, examining his soft features and bouncing your gaze between his eyes and lips.

Noticing he was now doing the same, you took the opportunity to bring your lips to his, slowly pressing soft pecks to his before you started to kiss him slowly, making your mouth stay on his a few seconds longer each time after you pulled away.

Mark seemed to get the hang of it, being more forceful and messy with his kisses, not as hesitant as he was a few seconds prior.

He starts to lean more into your body, prompting you to lie on the bed with him situated in between your legs, one hand on your thigh, the other around your waist.

“Fuck this is so hot.” He whispers in between kisses, moving away from your lips and bringing kisses towards your cheeks.

“Is it uh okay if I go lower?”

“Anything you want Mark, I’m all yours.”

Slowly moving his lips down your face, he brings them towards your neck, peppering kisses along your collarbone, sucking slightly on the spot he delicately rests his head when cuddling, soft to the touch but aggressive enough to leave a mark for the next few days. You cant wait for the day when Mark gets bold enough to mark you up with different coloured hues and bites that cover your entire body. 

Licking the soft marks he just made upon your clavicle and neck, he makes his way up just below your ear, sucking on a sweet spot, causing a moan to escape your mouth. 

“God, are you sure you’ve never done this before?” You whine, tugging more roughly at his hair, wanting him to feel the pleasure you were receiving from his lips alone. 

Laughing lowly into your neck, he fans his hot breath above your ear, gently grazing it, feeling a smirk form on his lips. “I guess I’m a quick learner.”

Bringing your hands back to his face, pulling him back up to your lips, you start aggressively pressing kisses to his lips now, wanting to show some dominance and explore Mark further. 

Maneuvering out of his hold, you roll out from under his body, swinging your leg over his thighs, straddling his lap.

Now lying on top of him, you slowly grind down onto his crotch with each kiss you plant onto his lips, prompting a deep moan to emerge from his swollen mouth, vibrating onto yours. 

Smirking into his mouth, it made you proud that you could get Mark this riled up. It wasn’t every day where you two were able to have long, intimate moments with one another. 

His glossy eyes became fondly attached to yours, admiring the look of desire and compassion your face was exhibiting. 

Blushing, you mold your lips together again as one, slowly grazing his bottom lip with your tongue, letting him know that you want to explore his mouth a little bit differently that what you have been doing the past few minutes. 

Widening his eyes, Mark slightly moves his lips away from yours, worry washing over his face. “Um, is that normal?” 

“Is what normal?” You retort, scanning his face to see if there’s any hesitation in his eyes. 

“The tongue thing. You know, is that a normal thing to do when making out?”

Pouting, you couldn’t help but note how cute Mark was. This was all so new for him, and the simplest questions made you want to hug him and explore more of the physical sides of the relationship together. 

“Yes, baby. If you don’t like it we can just go back to regular kissing. I don’t want to pressure you in-”

“No-no.” He cuts off, placing his face right back in front of yours.  “I liked it, I just wasn’t sure what to do.”

“Just go with it, this isn’t some science. Whatever feels good just keep doing it. Follow your instincts, okay?”

He presses his lips back to yours, a little harsher this time and slower in pecking. Mark’s now the one to run his tongue along your bottom lip, mimicking what you just did to him before breaking out into concern. 

You open your mouth in the slightest, allowing his tongue to follow suit with yours. It was clearly evident that Mark wasn’t too familiar with this act kissing, but you didn’t care. You didn’t care that it was a bit too fast and that Mark kept moving his tongue all around your mouth rather than slowly maneuvering it against yours. 

You were both exploring one another and learning, becoming more vulnerable and attached and that is what is making the entire moment so special. 

Grabbing his hands, you slowly inch them towards your chest, eager to have him explore more of your body. Mark clearly took your hint, softly squeezing each breast in between the kisses he was placing on your swollen, plump lips. 

The soft moans escaping your mouth swiftly caught his attention, making it clear that you liked what he was doing. Correction, loved. Every kiss and grunt and touch coming from his body made you feel fireworks, and all of this is happening while you’re both clothed- you can’t even imagine how amazing it would feel the moment you both decided to go even further than this. 

Separating your mouths, you stare into Mark’s dilated pupils and can’t help but think about how much you really like this boy, and all the awkwardness and love that comes from him. 

“God, that was amazing.” Rubbing his nose against yours, bringing your faces as close to one another as they were a mere ten seconds ago. 

“You are amazing.” You retort, wrapping your arms around his torso as you continue to stare into his love shot eyes. “I could kiss you forever if I could.”

“Really?”

“Mhm.”

Hugging your waist tighter, you couldn’t help but feel the elevation in Mark’s heart race, beating exponentially faster than you’ve ever felt before. 

“I’d like that. I want to kiss you forever too.”

[lov3nerdstuff]

Voluptas Noctis Aeternae {Part 7.18}

*Severus Snape x OC*

Summary: It is the year 1983 when the ordinary life of Robin Mitchell takes a drastic turn: she is accepted into Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Despite the struggles of being a muggle-born in Slytherin, she soon discovers her passion for Potions, and even manages the impossible: gaining the favor of Severus Snape. Throughout the years, Robin finds that the not quite so ordinary Potions Professor goes from being a brooding stranger to being more than she had ever deemed possible. An ally, a mentor, a friend... and eventually, the person she loves the most. Through adventure, prophecies and the little struggles of daily life in a castle full of mysteries, Robin chooses a path for herself, an unlikely friendship blossoms into something more, and two people abandoned by the world can finally find a home.

General warnings: professor x student, blood, violence, trauma, neglectful families, bullying, cursing

Words: 4k

Read Part 1.1 here! All Parts can be found on the Masterlist!

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The way back to the castle was quick and they arrived just in time for dinner, but still made their ways into the great hall separately like they usually did. All the way, Robin couldn't help smiling to herself, not even as she sat down with her friends, who resided at the Slytherin table today. 

It took them two seconds to notice her unusually good mood and another to comment on it, but Robin just explained that she'd had a nice day in Hogsmeade and an enjoyable walk back. Jorien snorted in return, Cas frowned, and Simon did both at once, while Michael and Gideon simply didn't know Robin well enough to be aware of the fact that she hated shopping, and designated Hogsmeade days even more. Jorien was quick to explain that fact to them however, and Robin just shrugged it off with another smile. She did add then that she'd mostly enjoyed intimidating a shop owner to accept her terms of a bargain –she did not give details on either though– and her friends finally agreed that this already sounded a whole lot more like the Robin they knew.

Dinner was mostly amicable chatter and talk about tomorrow's tutoring then, as well as a ridiculously serious discussion between Jorien and Gideon about an incident they'd all heard of somehow –involving two sixth years, a dark hallway past curfew, some certain body parts and an enlargement charm– which resulted in second-hand embarrassment for Robin, Michael and Simon, and a giggling fit for Cas. Honestly, Jorien was all facts and no emotion sometimes, Cas just didn't possess a sense of shame, and Gideon obviously went to great lengths to win an argument, no matter how ridiculous it was. The other three just had to bear it out. Robin cringed at the mental images the discussion was giving her, but on the other hand she found it entertaining to see Jorien winning the argument with such an ease. It made her feel proud of the girl, if nothing else.

Finally when dinner was over and the group once again among the last to leave, the boys decided that they would tag along for tutoring in the morning, mainly for the sake of getting help with a charms and herbology assignment on Simon's and Michael's end respectively. Robin absolutely didn't mind going over some NEWT topics as well if they wanted her to, and while she immediately placed the disclaimer that she was only a year ahead and might not even be of any actual help to them at all, the five people in front of her simply laughed at that statement. Obviously neither of them believed her to be 'just a year ahead' for real, and while she felt very much flattered by their confidence in her, she also wasn't quite sure if she would actually be able to meet their ridiculously high expectations. Oh well… an issue for another day.

From there, the girls made their way down to the dungeons like every night, with Robin coming along for half of the way, and upon their usual question about her plans for the evening, she told them that Snape and her were in the process of experimenting with some new substances and she thus couldn't say when she would be returning to her dorm. A beautiful way to shape the truth, she thought, and the girls did as they ought to by shrugging it off as another ordinary night of her work. They did her the favour of taking her winter robes back to their room though, when Robin bid them goodnight and went ahead to let herself into the office.

"Don't get settled, we aren't staying." Snape said the moment she closed the door behind herself, and the smirk was back on her lips in no time, but it was dimmed down again when she saw the annoyed frown on his face that accompanied the statement.

"What's the matter? Change in whatever plans you made?"

"Indeed." He grumbled, picking up a stack of notebooks, and then ushered her straight back out into the hallway, where he followed before locking the door to the office. "Poppy is out of calming draught and pepperup potion, and she believes it to be of vital importance to stock up on both tonight. Idiotic, if they would ask me, but unfortunately no one ever does. So lab work it is."

Robin only groaned under her breath and rolled her eyes while her feet carried her towards the lab on autopilot already, with Snape following right behind her. So much for excitement… making both potions and having them ready for delivery would take hours! But it was their job after all. Actually, it was his job and she just couldn't be bothered to stop doing it together with him.

"I hope she at least knows that she owes you for making us do this on a bloody Saturday night." Robin sighed when she finally dropped her backpack in its usual corner in the lab, then pulled her wand out of her sleeve, put her hair up into a messy knot, and finally rolled up her sleeves all in the usual practiced movements. When her eyes lifted from her arms up to Snape however, to see why he wasn't answering, she found him still standing with his back to the closed door, observing her in rapt serenity. The sight sent a pleasant shiver down her spine, but she refused to let it distract her from the task at hand as she moved towards the tables to set up for the impending work. "If you just keep standing there like a pillar of salt we'll never get this done, you know… And I was actually kinda hoping we would get to continue with whatever plans you've made once we're done here."

"We certainly will." He finally replied as he snapped out of his freeze, lips curling into a not-smirk while he mirrored her actions and rolled up his sleeves as well. He had started doing that more often ever since summer, whenever they had practical work to do in the safe solitude of the lab, and Robin felt a certain pride in the knowledge that he was comfortable enough around her by now to do so. Now was no different, and she smiled to herself as she was about to get started.

"Which one would you like me to make?" She asked while he was still setting up next to her. "Any preference?"

"Your pick."

"Again? You're being suspiciously gracious today, and I'm not sure if I want to know why… I'm not dying again, am I?" She sent him a small smirk, but went straight on. "I'll do the calming draught then. Pepperup always makes me sneeze like crazy."

"I know. It is ironic, really."

"Very funny, yes, absolutely hilarious." She rolled her eyes exaggeratedly, but smiled nonetheless as she got started picking out the ingredients. For these kinds of potions, the infirmary's stock and all the ones taught in class, she had long passed the point of needing instructions at all.

The brewing was a running routine by now, and even if Robin had been hoping for a different pastime for tonight, she still found herself enjoying the work as always. It wasn't the most interesting thing to make standard type potions, admittedly, but just working in the lab together with Snape never failed to be a delight in its own right. Before long they were at the point of simply having to wait while the potions simmered quietly in their cauldrons, and while Robin went to write the labels, Snape started grading the notebooks he had brought. Occasionally he grumbled to himself about whatever idiotic thing some student had written in their essay this time, and Robin always found herself amused by his annoyance. There was little else to do than listening to his remarks after all, seeing as writing labels was a repetitive process she might as well have charmed her quill to do by itself. But then she would be left without anything to do at all, and that wouldn't be an improvement either. Thus she just dipped her quill into the inkwell once more with a silent sigh, when suddenly the comfortable calm of the lab was disturbed by a harsh and repeated knocking on the door. That almost never happened.

Robin jumped a little, but stayed sitting on her stool while Snape grumbled to himself again and went to snap at whoever was bothering them with tangible annoyance radiating off him in an invisible cloud. The very second Robin lifted her gaze from the labels to him however, by chance more than intentionally, something in her mind clicked together at the sight of him almost having reached the door. Without a second thought she dropped the quill and bolted, barely still barging in between Snape and the door before he could open it. Her momentum had her back crashing against the wood in a loud rattle, and she found herself once again standing chest to chest with him, trying to catch her breath as she looked up with wide eyes. His scowl had disappeared entirely, only to be replaced by genuinely shocked surprise. Bloody hell, his face was so close to her own… not even a breath away now. A second passed in silence, and her eyes flickered down to his lips ever so briefly, but she just couldn't help it. Her heart skipped a beat, adrenaline running through her veins like sweetest poison, and she finally remembered why she had brought herself into this situation in the first place.

He still looked like a deer in the headlights when Robin wrapped a reluctant hand around his forearm, then dropped her gaze down to the minimal space between them entirely as she carefully rolled his sleeves down again. It took him a few seconds to catch on to her gesture, but then he helped her by closing a few of the buttons at least before repeating the process on the other side himself at a much faster pace. The entire moment didn't last longer than a few seconds, even though it seemed to span enteritis in Robin's mind, and once the task was accomplished, Snape took a step backwards for Robin to move away from the door to allow him to open up at last.

Bloody hell… Robin's heart was still jumping out of her chest, and her insides had liquified entirely as she went to sit back down on her stool. That had been a very close call on two ends, and she took deep breaths to regain some composure at least while resting her forearms on the tabletop. The area where she had dropped the quill was covered in tiny black speckles, as were her forearms, but for some miraculous reason the labels had been spared at least. Good… things were good. Slowly her heartbeat calmed down to a normal pace again, and her brain started working like it ought to as well. When she finally was in a place of mind to pay attention to what was happening at the door, it was thrown shut already though, and Snape returned to his place next to her at the table in silence.

"What was that about?" She asked as calmly as she could, studying how the frown stayed on his face even as he was sitting down next to her again.

"Nothing of importance." He answered quickly, but then sighed as he seemed to think better of it. They were past the point of only sharing important things with each other… long past it, actually. "Pomona informed me that she would like to keep a small group of fifth years in the greenhouse after curfew tomorrow evening and I gave my approval."

"Ah." Robin replied under her breath, but didn't know what else to say on the issue and thus merely let her gaze drop to the labels again, without picking up the quill though. For a few seconds it was quiet, but she could tell by the tension surrounding them that he wanted to say something, and she would give him all the time he needed to do so. Pushing him never worked in her favour anyway, but giving him space usually did.

"Thank you. For keeping an eye on me." He finally started, in a calm tone now but still with a frown on his face. "Such carelessness on my part has never happened before, and it certainly will not be happening again."

"You were caught up in your thoughts, that happens to everyone at some point. It's not worth being upset over now. And of course I'm keeping an eye on you! It's what we always do, both of us. You know that." She returned a soft smile, reassuring and calm and affectionate in that way that was only reserved for him. "I'm just sorry I jumped at you like a maniac."

It took a few seconds, but then his frown loosened up slowly and the not-smirk returned to his lips. "I didn't mind that, actually."

Robin's smile turned into a smirk as well, and then she just had to laugh. "Of course you didn't… You're insufferable, you know?"

"That would be my line."

"Well, I'm stealing it now. We're both insufferable, that's just the way things are." She said with a nonchalant shrug, turning back to pick up her quill and write her labels with a lingering smirk now, and out of the corners of her eyes, she could see that the same expression was gracing his features as well, as he went to continue grading the essays.

They finished their work in the usual calm contentment, first the grading and the labels –while occasional mocking some dunderhead students– before finally bottling the finished potions. It was shortly before midnight when they were done at last, when the bottles were neatly boxed up to be delivered. They spontaneously decided that Robin would be the one to take them to the infirmary, while Snape wanted to clean up the lab and return the notebooks to the office. Moments later she was as good as gone, carefully balancing four smaller cardboard boxes in her arms as she quickly made her way through the dark castle and towards the hospital wing. Madam Pomfrey was delighted as always when Robin staggered through the heavy doors in an attempt not to drop everything, and whispered many thanks while helping her sort the boxes into the storage shelves. Robin took note of the fact that by now the entire stock had her handwriting on it indeed, and it probably had been that way for a while. She smiled at the realisation, not without a certain sense of pride, and after bidding the matron goodnight, she was leaving again already.

On her way back down to the dungeons though, Robin almost ran into Morgan, who obviously was assigned to patrol the castle tonight. She was just rounding a corner when he suddenly stood right in front of her, but he was luckily looking into the other direction, which gave her enough time to jump back around the corner and hide away in one of the darkest alcoves. Thank heaven or hell for her by now decent ability to move silently, which she had somehow made a habit of practicing ever since she started spending every night in the lab or the office. Over the years she had gotten quite good at it, not as good as Snape obviously, but good enough for Morgan to walk past her now without having noticed her presence. Thank God… Only once she couldn't hear his doorstep anymore, she finally dared to move out of her alcove and continue her way down to the dungeons almost in a run. She really wasn't up for another nightly encounter with Morgan, especially not if he was actually patrolling the castle tonight. She would just have to be careful, and keep an eye on her surroundings.

And yet, just when she hasted along the last hallway in the dungeons before finally being back at the office, she made the mistake of looking back over her shoulder when rounding the last corner and promptly ran into the familiar wall of black. It had been a while since that had last happened, and this time, instead of letting her tumble down to the floor in her immediate loss of balance, his arm was around her waist in an instant, keeping her upright and securely on her feet. At first Robin let out a startled yelp, but after the second it took her brain to register that she knew that arm around her as well as the scent that was overwhelming her senses now, she didn't even need to look at Snape for her body to relax already.

"Didn't we say we would meet at the office?" She finally asked, barely above a whisper but with a smile in relief and a scowl in feigned complaint nonetheless. His arm disappeared from around her, unfortunately, and he took a step backwards to inspect her with a curious frown.

"We did, but you were taking longer than expected, which usually means that either something or someone has happened to you. I merely wanted to see if you were alright." He said in a quiet tone, glancing down the dark hallway that stretched into blackness behind Robin.

"I'm good… but only barely." She sighed, and his eyes found hers again within a second. "I almost ran into Morgan, he's patrolling tonight. Had to hide for a while until he was gone."

"That would explain the delay. I take it then that he didn't see you?"

"No, he walked right past me. But knowing him, that might just have been part of his game. So I was somewhere between panicking and in a haste to get back here."

"Understandable. Let's see to it that we stay out of his way." He said, then the subtle not-smirk returned to his lips. "We still have plans for tonight after all, and I don't want him, or anyone else for that matter, to interrupt those yet again."

Robin's heart skipped a beat upon his words, and once again the anxiety was making way for suspense and excitement. But at the same time, the spark of amusement in his eyes made her smirk in return. "Since you refuse to tell me what we will be doing, you'll have to lead the way. If you don't wanna stand in the hallway all night, that is."

With an exaggerated eye rolling but the same not-smirk, he motioned for her to come along, stopping again a few more steps down the path to retrieve Robin's backpack from the office first, but much to her surprise they then continued on to make their way through the dark hallways until at last they arrived in front of his rooms. Her heart skipped yet another beat, and she tried not to grin like an idiot while he unlocked the door and then let her go in first. This was an interesting development of things… one she certainly didn't mind in the least. She'd been wondering ever since Thursday night when she would get to come back here, but she honestly hadn't expected that moment to arrive so soon. With the biggest smile on her face she dropped down on the sofa and watched him light up the fireplace before taking off his robes and coat and neatly folding both pieces over a chair. It left him in that linen shirt he had also been wearing on Thursday night when she'd come here unannounced, and when he went to roll up the sleeves of that now again, Robin couldn't help but watch in amazement. At some point that gesture had become ridiculously attractive, just like the whole act of him taking off the many layers of black, and she didn't know if it was the gesture itself that had her marvelling or the level of comfort it represented. Both, probably. Her heart was soaring either way.

"You sit there like you have been summoned to the headmaster's office." He finally said, in a taunting voice, while moving about in search of something. "You've never been shy in a space of mine before, so just get comfortable already, will you?"

"If you insist." She chuckled, and toed off her boots first before crossing her legs on the sofa, when suddenly an idea struck her that made her smirk again. Placing her bag in her lap, she first dug out the bottle of firewhisky and set it down next to her, then went to dig deeper. So deep, in fact, that she finally had to stick her head in too, to find what she was looking for. The sofa next to her dipped down, she heard glass rattling, and finally her hand touched what she was looking for. With a victorious smile, she pulled out one item after the other, and set them all down on the ground beneath her before finally surfacing out of the bag again and putting it aside. She was met with Snape's undoubtedly humoured and slightly defeated expression.

"Of course you have a record player in your bag… Why am I even surprised at this point." He sighed to himself, while Robin went to kneel down on the floor to set the whole thing up.

"You like Queen, don't you?" She grinned up at him, but picked out the according record anyway, without waiting for an answer. Half a minute later the music started floating around them at a moderate volume, even though Robin was rather sure that there were multiple silencing charms placed on the room. Still didn't mean it was necessary that they'd have to shout over the music to talk. Then she moved the entire setup to the nearest wall, thus out of the way, and finally sat down on the sofa again, with her legs crossed like before. "There, now you've got proof that I'm comfortable enough to seize the silence. Better now?"

"Indeed." He nodded, while handing Robin an empty glass. "Even though half of the school would likely consider it a sacrilege to play muggle music inside the castle."

"Oh come on, you can't honestly tell me that they wrote their music without the help of magic!" She grinned in return and traced the edges of the glass with her fingertips. "Besides, I don't remotely care about anyone's opinion on my taste in music. Well, actually I do care about your opinion on mostly everything… Do you mind muggle music?"

"No. I only mind bad music."

"See! Can't argue with good taste." Robin shrugged with a smirk. "Talking about taste, what's with the empty glass?"

"I thought we would continue our experiments from earlier today." The smirk was on his face in an instant, fully mirroring hers for once, even if with a touch more mischief to it. "I have a few more liquors I would like you to try. If by the end of it you still choose to go with firewhisky, I won't lose another word of complaint."

"Alright, sounds fair enough. But you gotta try them with me, yes?"

He held up his own glass while quirking an eyebrow at her in reply, then summoned the first bottle from one of the shelves. Robin couldn't help grinning to herself, then down at her glass. This was going to be a very interesting night, no matter what happened from here on, that much at least was for sure. And quite honestly, she already couldn't wait for whatever was to come.

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[yugirl-with-dragons]

Beyond the stars

This was in my notes for awhile and I hope you enjoy these two blushy dorks! 

…

“Yusei?.. Are you awake?” 

Her body still coursing  with quiet adrenaline, tense from a nightmare that haunts her tonight. Though it wasn’t a bad premonition, it just startled her. A crackle of the wood underneath the warm fire against the soft summer night filled in between their silence. 

“Hm?.. Aki what’s wrong?” 

“ I.. I can’t sleep. I just had a bad dream.” 

He didn’t quite catch it at first, since he was starting to feel sleep calling for him. Though when her words registered in his brain he quickly became concerned. Almost ready to wake up stardust from his slumber, waking a dragon without cause was a death sentence but a premonition was a good justification. 

“Did you have another premonition?” 

Sitting up, with her hair a bit messy she gave him a glance to his eyes. His eyes, they had a brunt force but allowed his softness to seep through them. 

“I.. no it’s..”

Trailing off, she turned away from him from a force of habit. Not being able to face him. She wasn’t confessing a crime or avoiding punishment when she hid information. Though in difference her face flushed a bit red and warm as if she had drank rum straight from a flask, suddenly nervous for punishment for speaking out of turn. As if she suddenly remembered rules she forgot before realizing that she was no longer bound to Divine’s guidance. 

So why do I feel all.. jittery and nervous when I look at him? I.. I can trust him.. can’t I? I mean, stardust is his companion after all..

Subconsciously, her fingertips tapping against the ground, huddling herself. Her restless hands made their way into her hair, fiddling with it to ground herself, to try to not appear anxious or show any fear. Trying to break her old habits of holding back information, as she was no longer bound to the rules and guidelines Divine had set for her.. before draining her magic.

Yusei waited with patience, seeing if she would elaborate on her own terms. 

Though the only words she could muster up were, 

“it was just a bad dream..”

Yusei let out a small breath of relief as his muscles relaxed, knowing that it may just be a bad dream, but not a nightmare that would potentially kill her or stardust in the real world. Even though she refused to make eye contact with him, he still kept his focus on her. To keep a protective watch over her while to maintain an ear out for nearby danger. 

“Do you want to talk about it?”

The wildlife of the night and stardust’s gentle snoring filled between their silence. Aki started debating in her head if she should say anything to Yusei about her dream. Normally if it wasn’t deemed as of ‘importance’, she kept it to herself. 

Why? If it doesn’t affect him or his companion.. Why would he want to know?  

It wasn’t a premonition, only a bad dream. Why would a knight like him want to care about a silly little nightmare? He’s got more important things to worry about, like saving the world from complete destruction than to listen to her ramblings!  After all, he wouldn’t want anything to do with her once all of this is over. It wouldn’t make sense for him to fuss over her because she had a minor bad dream!

The warm glow from his face, that signal of friendship and joy.. She was going to miss that. After all, she couldn’t live with him. She’s a witch, an outcast, she couldn’t live with a knight. She’d only endanger him despite saving him with the magic she used to once save him from death. In the few times they’ve stopped in town for supplies words of hate and accusations of her manipulating him were thrown at her. Of course no one would enforce their threats with Yusei at the helm, it was practically stupid to do so! She was definitely going to miss that feeling of safety if she ever had to return to town without him. Reminding herself that they can’t stay together forever, she has to be ready to separate when the time comes for them to part ways.  

He has to do his job, and I have to get my magic back. After this I can .. find elsewhere to stay.

She blinked out from her thoughts as if to shove him mentally out the door once again. 

“..I.. no its.. it’s okay, I’ll be fine.” 

Yusei could still feel a small pang of sadness, that she still couldn’t bring herself to place her faith in him. That he means that he will protect her at any cost even if he suffered for it.

Normally, he’d try to take guesses of what’s bothering his friends if they couldn’t give a direct answer. As sometimes it could help ease the stress on the other person on what it could’ve been about without directly stating the issue.

With her, he wasn’t going to take any sort of risk. He was only able to gain her trust by slowly helping her out of her shell in the big and little moments outside of normal society; forcing an answer out of her would undo any progress he’s made with her. Little by little, the rules that she had ingrained into her being started to fade the more time that had passed between them. Her hesitation still showed through however, as she always asked for permission; Whether it was for a minute task or even to speak, there was  still a disconnect showing that shouldn’t be there. A  part of her that still feared him because of her mentor’s teachings about the outside world. As there were sometimes where she had completely regressed back into her shell, though it’s only a very few times and primarily about her parents. Still, neither he or stardust pressed about it. Something in his gut told him that it’d be best if she were to bring it up to him when she felt ready for that conversation.

So he gave a small smile as she turned back to him. 

“Well.. whenever you feel ready to talk about your dream, you can always tell me or stardust about it. We’ll listen to you.” 

Her heart skipped a beat, as the door gave a gentle knock from the other side to call back to her. It was a similar conversation whenever she had a minor nightmare. Afterwards she allowed herself to drift back to earth and root herself into the soft dirt. Though tonight, she didn’t want to drift. She wanted to be rooted, but the clear skies twinkling down amongst the clearing let her drift to the stars instead. 

“Um.. I know this is weird to ask.. but.. could.. could we look at the stars?.. Together?” 

Yusei temporarily blocked out his sensing for danger; focusing on her words. A small touch of faith she started to place into him. 

 A faint flicker of hope starts to burn as a consistent but weak flame. 

Her face started to heat up as she started to backtrack her words, fearing punishment for breaking an unspoken rule she never learned about. Though his reply cut off her fears for a moment in exchange for one of peace. 

“ You don’t have to ask, Aki. We share the same sky and stars. ” 

He couldn’t help but grin from ear to ear, mixture of being proud and happy of the slow growth he’s seeing from their first meeting under the stars. From reservation to taking a few more steps to confidence to take her ex–mentor down to the realm waiting for him. Not hesitating, he sat himself up and patted to the soft earth next to him as a means for her to join him. 

Sitting up next to him she brushed the leaves and dirt that became entangled with her being, apologizing profusely. Yusei didn’t care, he may have been tried but goodness she was adorable when she became flustered. Though this realization forced his heart hammer in his chest, unsure how long he’d been admiring her for her strength and resilience against the odds of her mentor. 

The two of them could feel their hearts race against their minds as they slowly closed the space between them. Yusei, trying to fight the warmness riding in his cheeks and aki trying to fight the thoughts of being emotionally open with another person. Afraid that she might say something wrong? No no, that wasn’t quite it as the knots in her stomach were telling her.

She wasn’t going to lie, she was grateful for the knight and his companion taking her in after being left to die. Though lately she couldn’t help but feel more .. attached to him. Almost wanting to reach out to him before remembering that when she trusted someone, she nearly died. Though her heart kept screaming that he was different, that it wouldn’t wind up like last time. 

Though right now, she shoved her competing thoughts to gaze up to the twinkling of stars down to the earth. With him right by her side, getting comfortable, she gently grazed her hand over his before retracting away out of embarrassment. He felt a tug of disappointment pull at his heartstrings at her retraction. 

Soon enough the cackling fire filled in the stretched out silence. Though it didn’t last for long as she spoke up. 

“ Hey Yusei?..Do.. uhm, do you think that there’s life beyond the stars?“  

“ What do you mean Aki?” 

He turned to her briefly paying attention to her stumbling of uneasiness. It was clear that she didn’t ask too many questions on her own if they weren’t guided. Which internally made him furious on Aki’s behalf, seeing how she is barely functioning with a team that cares for her. He can only imagine any other manipulation she’s gone through disguised as ‘ love and guidance’. Though it goes against his moral code as a knight to take personal vengeance, he was going to make sure that Divine is permanently taken care of when their blades next meet.   

“ Well, after our time in this world has passed.. Do you think that.. This is gonna sound stupid but, um..”

She started to fiddle with her bangs and avoided his gaze again. It wasn’t that she didn’t like him, the purity of balance shone through the fiber of her being. A beacon of hope, once all of this was over they would part ways as if they’d never met and she’d be alone all over again. It was better for them if she didn’t get too attached to him.. right? 

He may be tired but he wasn’t going to rush her. She’s slowly reaching out to place faith within him in small pieces.  

Progress. 

“That our souls go beyond the stars to another world? One just as real as ours but.. different?” 

His gaze returned back to the stars with a smile on his face. She couldn’t ignore the twinkling of the nocturnal beauty and life that reflected back into the lakes of his eyes. The mirrors of hope that were his eyes. 

“ I can’t answer that.. But I won’t doubt that there’s something beyond this earth. Maybe our souls end up in a separate world as our final resting place.. Or  maybe our souls are reborn in another time and another place… Who knows? If that’s the case, then I’d want you, Stardust and my friends to be there with me.” 

Aki felt her heart race a marathon as her face started to flush a rose color in her cheeks trying to defend herself in justification. Turning to him and raising her hands to put up a wall of insecurity. 

“ Really? Why? I can see Stardust.. But me? I’m a witch! I manage to get myself into trouble and–”

Yusei, meeting Aki’s eyes, didn’t like interrupting others, but only had to do it when necessary; her anxieties were flaring up and he needed to give her a stable grounding of trust and foundation. Fully knowing that it was something she hasn’t had since Divine pulled the rug under her, from taking the ability she’s lived with since she was born. 

To tear down her wall of insecurity to give her an embrace of warmth and love she deserved. Knowing that her life wasn’t an easy one, that she needed a friend to call on without fearing being left behind to be burned at the stake of judgement. To let her know that she was no longer isolated and a sacrifice ready to be slaughtered in the screamings of fear, that she had someone to defend her in her time of need. 

“ Aki. You may be a witch, but that doesn’t define your heart. You have abilities beyond comprehension but that doesn’t mean that you’re exiled to a life of misery for being different..” 

I wish one day that you could see that your magic is a gift and not a curse.. 

She did let her head hit his shoulder as she let out a yawn. Yusei could feel his face light itself on fire as in his years as a knight he’s never dealt with maidens in this context. Yes many of them have flirted with him, but he wasn’t interested in them. Their claims for marriage felt more for association and lust rather than with love. 

With Aki? His heart would flutter with the monarch butterflies that would land in her hair and frame her face. Her smile gave a light of hope to him that he had the strength to curb the darkness rising in the evening skies. 

Her laughter? He doesn’t hear it often, when he does it’s a sound he keeps close into his soul. A sign of her shedding her past of pain and isolation to a new life filled with joy just waiting for her. What would happen to the two of them after this was all over? He wasn’t sure, but he hoped that she would open her heart to completely to him when all of this was over. 

“ I know.. but that’s how it is Yusei.” 

“ Maybe, we can’t change what we’re born with or our circumstances.. But it’s what we do with our life is what matters. ” 

Aki let out a tired yawn staring up at the stars, entranced by their sparkles of life. 

“ I suppose..” 

Yusei gave a nod as the two of them slouched back against Stardust. With her head against his shoulder, he let himself stay still as he had no intention of moving anytime soon. She changed the subject to point out the constellations sparkling down in the night sky, taking in the map of the night sky. Sharing a few small moments of hilarity that ensued, whether it calling out the wrong spell and trapping Divine in an entanglement of vines for a solid hour when she started training with him or when Yusei played revenge pranks back at Martha’s on some of the other children from a relatively stupid bet. Glints of happiness and laughter sparkling under the stars. 

Slowly as her eyes shuttered she left her body be engulfed in the warmth from the fire and encasing loosely her arms around her new pillow for the night. Yusei, a bit surprised that he now has a sleeping woman in his arms, did his best to be still, to not disturb Aki. Trying to figure out if he should move her off onto the ground or if he should just let her sleep on him for the night and figure out if he should just wake up earlier before the sun rose. 

He wasn’t sure when but as when she fell asleep, a smile grew on his face. She may not have put her faith in him completely, but she was starting to trust him. Though it didn’t stop him from whispering his thoughts to her as her magenta hair lit up with the warmth of the fire gave a soft glow to her. Wishing that she could see the goodness in herself, that she is a good person with or without her abilities.

“You have a good heart Aki.. I wish you could see that..” 

To show his trust, showing his faith in her, he let his left gently hold her side and held his sheathed sword tightly in his right side wedged between his arm. Ready to fight at the slightest movement.

He let his head swing back into the dragon’s side as his eyes started to close as he left out a soft snore with a little too much force from deadweighting.

Stardust, awoke a bit startled that something hit his left side ready to attack. Only to see his two human companions sleeping right on him. Stardust never understood human concepts of courting and the rules that go along with it, but he could at least see that the concept of love could change a human.. or two. 

Take your rest and enjoy this moment of peace..  you two deserve it.

---submitted by  @taytay4674788 ---

IT’S MY MEDIEVAL AU AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

thank you so much for this gift!!!!! I love how this one shot focuses on Aki feeling hesitant about trusting someone else again... Divine traumatized her enough to give her trust issues and it’s okay not feeling ready even if there are green flags basically everywhere about a specific person... 

“I wish one day that you could see that your magic is a gift and not a curse” big canon vibes !!! I love it *chef kiss*

The fact that they’re sitting there, stargazing together fills my heart with sparkles and little hearts. Thank u for the feels

[one-abuse-survivor]

hi, it's the milky way again

it's been a while since i've dropped something in your mailbox

i've now finished the school year and the grades and reports are coming in tomorrow or the day after. i'm kinda scared of them because i know they dropped a lot since last year but i'm pretty sure i passed most if not all of my courses so i think it'll be fine.

i started working a summer job a week ago and i'll be working the next week too. it's mostly because i need the money so i can replace my broken phone but also because we had to do some kind of job/workplace experience thing because of our school (that was voluntary though because of covid). the job pays really well so i might also get a new binder with the money since the one i have now is falling apart. on the other hand, working 8 hours a day for five days straight has really taken all of my energy and i can't listen to music while working which makes it a lot harder. the last week i've mostly been coming home in the evening, maybe eating something and going straight to bed.

(also i got my period last thursday and i hate hate hate it so much it makes everything so much worse even without the dysphoria it's just so messy and annoying to deal with)

a week ago i finally jumped over my shadow and talked to my mom but it was a huge disappointment. i'm pretty sure i couldn't get my point across in a way she'd understand and she kinda just admitted not being able to help after saying a bunch of things that really hurt. i removed myself from the situation by "going to bed" aka going to my room, locking my door and crying myself to sleep. i was just really pissed off and talking to her was kinda my last resort for when i realized i couldn't help myself anymore.

anyway, the day after that was monday (when i started working) and me, running on barely any sleep because the night before was a disaster, had to somehow survive work and i'm pretty sure i ignored or snapped at a lot of people that day which i feel kinda bad for.

on wednesday after work i talked to my mom again because i was pissed off and couldn't let it sit. she said the same kind of bs she had used on sunday and we got nowhere, since then i've probably been a lot less friendly to her but i'm just not ready to give up so much energy for her.

her favorite arguments we're things like "but others have it a lot worse" (which is a mindset i've worked on getting away from for quite a while) (also my mom was referring only to my grades with this but little does she know that the only reason why my grades aren't dropping that badly is because no matter how bad i got mentally, i yeeted stuff like self-care before school because school had always been structured and mostly clear while life in general was just. not.)

other arguments she used were "just get off your phone and set a timer for 45 minutes and concentrate on what you wanna get done" and "just pull yourself together, it's not that hard" (those were about me saying that i struggle with starting tasks and getting shit done)

lastly she also said that my expectations are just way too high and that if i didn't expect only the best from myself (this was about grades too) i wouldn't get so disappointed if i didn't get that great grade i was hoping for. and like, she's not wrong but if you've only ever been good at one thing in your entire life and you were really good at it, then you'd just expect nothing but the best from yourself because you know reaching that isn't impossible.

and she ended it with "what do you expect me to do?" and "i can't help you" and i realized later that i just should've said that she should help me get someone that *can* help me, like a therapist or something.

anyway, i'm proud of myself for finding a summer job and finally talking to my mom and not so proud of my grades and the fact that i can't seem to get the point across to my mom

thank you for creating this safe space for people like us, i wish you a happier time than the one i'm having :')

milky way here :|

got the reports and grades and stuff yesterday and i'm just :| about it. like, yea i know i'm still somewhere at the top of the class and that i'm more than one and a half grades better than some others in my class but i'm still upset about my grade in maths for example but my parents laughed/chuckled at me when i was upset and that really hurt

and afterwards my mom said something along the lines of "yes you're allowed to be stressed but because of your good grades you don't have the right to complain about being stressed" which is absolute bs and i still don't understand how having good grades disqualifies one from complaining and i'm sure as hell not gonna ask her

i just wanna scream in her face but i'm pretty sure she'd slap me if i did that

i'm almost done with my summer job and since monday noon i had the chance to work in a different part of the factory which is a lot less uncomfy to be in because it has AC and since it's not in the lab itself, i don't have to wear a hair net, an overall, steel-toed boots and rubber gloves.

today i set myself a few goals for the summer break and for the next school year and i really hope i can get through with those because it'd make future-me extremely happy

have a great great time :D

and PS: since tumblr has been eating a lot of notifs lately i missed a lot of your posts and i tried filtering by the milky way anon tag but only one post showed up. i'm not sure what's up with that tho

Hi again! Don’t worry, I got you. Here’s a link to all the asks you’ve sent up to this point: first, second, third. All of them are tagged, but the tumblr search engine isn’t exactly known for its accuracy. I use the tumblr original post finder site for this stuff, but I just realised by looking for your asks that the site takes capital letters into account, so the ones that were tagged with a capital M in Milky weren’t showing. They all do show now that I changed the M to lowercase. So I’ll have to try to be more consistent with that from now on 😅

On to your asks. First off, congrats on finishing your course! And I really hope you can replace your phone and your binder :D sorry about getting your period, though, that really sucks :(

I think the conversation with your mom that Sunday is the one discussed on the third ask I linked. I'm really sorry the same thing happened on Wednesday. It's not your fault you can't get across to her—she's the one who should be open to helping you and offering possible (actual) solutions to the problems you're bringing up to her, and not you who should spell out every single thing she can do to help you. You're not being unclear to her—she's being obtuse and refusing to listen.

You're not meant to know how to just "pull yourself together", and you're absolutely right that your grades not dropping all the way doesn't mean you're not struggling, and you still deserve help so you don't have to jeopardise your mental health for your grades. And while she's right you don't deserve to be so hard on yourself or to expect perfection from yourself, that's also something that you deserve professional help with. Again, you're not meant to know how to just turn off those emotions and thought processes.

*hugs* sorry your math grade wasn't as high as you'd hoped. It's okay to be upset and disappointed by that, and I'm so sorry they laughed at you. You do have every right to express your emotions, and you're not being unfair to anyone else for being unhappy with your own grades. I often feel the same! I get really good grades (as I think I've already said), and I also often feel disappointed when a grade isn't as high as I'd hoped. There's nothing wrong with feeling that way. I'm really glad you know what your mom says is bs, because it really is. It's no wonder you feel like screaming in her face—she sounds incredibly frustrating, exhausting and invalidating to deal with. You deserve so much better than this 😔

I'm so glad you're proud of yourself! I'm really proud of you too for everything you've accomplished despite her being so unhelpful and invalidating, and I really hope you're enjoying the rest of your summer holidays and you can reach your goals! And if the occasion arises and you do end up using the "you can help me find someone who can help me" line, I hope it goes better. But if not, again, please know this is an issue of her refusing to listen, and not of you being unclear about what you need.

Sending a huge virtual hug ❤️

[kyluxtrashpit]

2019 Fic Recap

So I’ve done this for the past few years and I started doing it at the end of 2019 but never managed to finish it. I think between TROS and IRL and then I got really, really sick, I just haven’t had the chance to do so. But fuck it, I decided to finish it anyway even though it’s now 3 months late lmao. So anyway, a recap of my 2019 fics

Total wordcount: 96 419 words. Which is less than last year, but still not too shabby. I wish I could’ve banged something out to get it over 100k but eh, it just didn’t happen. I definitely have enough wip words and whatnot to get me over that bump, though

Tough Love, 6572 words, posted Jan 17

So this was an experimental one. As you all know, I’m pretty hard on the sub!Kylo/dom!Hux train. But I had a conversation with a friend and it turned into one of those ‘okay, I don’t like x dynamic because of a, b, and c. But is it possible to write x without those and make it into something I like?’ and as it turns out, yes, yes it was. Thus this fic happened and here we are. I still really like it and I have a lot of Feelings on this dynamic vs the one I usually write, but that’s an essay in and of itself lmao. It got some great feedback too, which was cool

Take My Breath Away, 1230 words, posted Feb 7

Ah yes, this one, which was based off a throwaway KOTOR ability but was an excuse for me to write Kylo getting stuffed from both ends with some asphyxiation thrown in. And also extremely rough sex + softer aftercare is a weakness of mine haha, so I just had to do it

Fix You, 1994 words, posted Feb 10

So this was my first piece for Bad Things Happen Bingo, which is an event I’m still planning to finish at some point lmao, and that I’ve had a lot of fun with so far. This fic was another that I tried for a more ‘classic’ feel with, though it’s a lot softer. The uncomfortable intimacy. The ‘feelings are happening but we won’t talk about them’. The shaky trust. All of that good stuff. I had fun with it

Keep Your Enemies Closer, 1657 words, posted Feb 24

Another for BTHB! I just love when Hux wins, okay. And I think this was one of those time periods where Kylo was doing all the winning in fics and I just. Needed something different lmao. Emperor Hux remains one my all time fave ideas and it’s still a shame canon never gave it to us. But I have the power to make it happen, so I did. Plus Kylo in a shock collar is always fun >:)

Indulgence, 17 357 works, completed Apr 19, first posted Mar 28

So! This was a continuation to my experiment from above and really it was just an excuse for lots of smut and pampering lmao. Much as I had thought I had said everything I wanted to say with Tough Love, apparently I had not, and this monstrosity formed. There may be a third, more serious piece to finish off the series this year, but I haven’t decided yet. Although, I have to admit, I’m still surprised how poorly this fic did feedback-wise, especially compared to its predecessor and considering it’s the more popular dynamic these days. Tbh some of my best smut is in this fic imo, but ah well, sometimes people just don’t like things and I suppose I have to accept that, even if I’m really, really proud of that thing

(Okay and the rest are behind a cut for length)

Best Served Bloody, 2666 words, posted Apr 29

Another BTHB and, again, not much deeper to it. Beating up Brendol is always fun though lmao. And when I was writing this, I really wanted Hux to be the one to strike at his father. A lot of pieces have Kylo doing it, which is great, but I wanted to do something a little different. I wanted Hux to have the power to save himself. It was fun to write in that way, as a powerful revenge fantasy

The Best, 6450 words, posted May 12

Ah, now this was a fun one lmao. It was born of a horny crack idea but I can’t do real crack, so it ended up as crack treated seriously. And really, I just wanted an excuse to have Kylo sucking dick. A lot of dick. All the dicks he can find lmao. Slutty Kylo fic remains my favourite pwp, so I gotta contribute to the cause, you know. It was a delight to write, though challenging cause it kept turning me on LMAO. Totally worth it though. It was one of the most fun this year for sure

Be My Outlet, 1003 words, posted May 23

There’s not really much of a story behind this one haha. I was horny and I wanted some classic, Not Nice Hux and hatefucking, thus this exists. Plus I miss Kylo getting choked and it’s rare these days to see stuff quite this rough. I also have a bit of a somnophilia thing, which this sort of fits in to. And I’m always a fan of messy, masochist Kylo. So yeah. Idk it’s smut lmao what else could we want? It’s just a short little pwp, but I had a lot of fun with it and it was nice to revisit the classic kylux days

Safe Harbour, 1616 words, posted Jun 13

This one was for kyluxomegaverse week and it was very fun. A/b/o is one of those tropes where I really, really like a lot of it, but there’s also some stuff that’s much less my cup of tea. So I don’t write a lot of it, even though there are aspects of it that I adore. Which this one includes a lot of lmao. I think the nesting is fucking adorable and I wanted to write something soft, so here we are. Plus omega!Kylo is just delightful. Also looking back on it now, this one did really well? Holy shit, I had no idea it was that popular!

With Dignity, 4475 words, posted Jul 1

This was the last for BTHB that I managed last year (and I still intend to finish my card eventually, it’s just been a rough go so far this year lmao). I’m actually very proud of this one because this is the exact sort of angst I love to write. I didn’t intend for it to be as heavy as it ended up being, but when I started looking up the mechanics of force-feeding and reading about the experience of it, the plan changed drastically because holy fuck. I had never thought of it as that much of a torture before. I also enjoy with Hux like, making the reader feel bad for him while also actively reminding them he’s awful and getting that perfect cognitive dissonance. So this was a great excuse to do exactly that. And I love how tough he is even in such circumstances. Despite the heavy subject matter, I had a blast with this one

Greener Grass, 3389 words, posted Jul 14

This one was originally a twitter thread that really got away from me lmao, so I edited it and put it on ao3 because I really liked it. I’ve always liked self-cest as a concept and I thought it’d be interesting for Kylo to interact with a version of himself that made some different choices. One that was happier. And then we see Kylo through Ben’s eyes, see what the dark side has wrought for him. And then, of course, some smut to pull it all together lmao. It was a really fun character study and I had a grand time with it

Subliminal, 5719 words, posted Aug 23

This one! Okay so I’m pretty sure I sent in a couple of khk prompts over the years that were basically this, but no one ever wrote them so I finally did it. I’m honestly surprised hypno kink isn’t actually used more in kylux, considering Hux is canonically in charge of the brainwashing program. So much potential. So I had to write it. I also went down quite a few rabbit holes in researching this (with mixed success lmao) and learned a whole lot about hypno kink in the process. I may have even acquired it as a fetish lmao. But anyway, this one’s a bit darker and it’s fun to write those every once in a while. I think I pulled it off well too

Ashes Among the Stars, 36634 words, posted Dec 1

Ah and my big bang this year! I had a blast with this one although it was quite the challenge. My first fandom was gundam so when I saw this prompt I was very intrigued and ended up getting it. This fic had a lot more world-building than I usually do, which was the primary challenge as I basically had to take aspects from both franchises and sew them together into a new world of its own. I think I did that rather successfully tbh. The plot gave me trouble too but also gave me some of my best eureka moments haha. My partner was also wonderful and made the experience that much better. I know crossovers don’t tend to perform as well, so I was expecting that, though I do wish some more people had given it a chance since I wrote it specifically so that no prior knowledge was needed. But alas, I’m still incredibly proud of it. It’s also my second longest fic ever!

Filthy, 5657 words, posted Dec 9

And here it is, the gangbang fic I’ve always wanted to exist lmao. I had wanted to write this one for a long time, but I could never figure out how to end it, what circumstances would lead to the gangbang. Then a convo with friends gave me the idea and boom, I could finally write it. This fic is just straight up smut and I fucking love it lmao. There needs to be more Kylo gangbang fics tbh

What have I learned?

Last year wasn’t as successful for writing as I’d hoped, given that I wrote less in 2019 than I did in 2018. But also a lot of things happened to me last year. I got a new role at work. My dad had a heart attack (he’s okay though). I had a pretty rough time with my mental health. And then there was the lead up to TROS and the frankly unnecessary amount of stress that caused me. So there was a lot going on and working against me, which is a large part of why I didn’t manage to write as much as I’d hoped I would, and there’s a lot in my folder that I started but just wasn’t able to finish before the end of the year. I worried for a while I was losing interest, but looking back, no, it was definitely the IRL shit lmao. That said, I’m also extremely happy with all of the pieces I did finish, regardless of how well they did. I’m proud of them and I loved writing them, even when it was difficult

One of my goals from last year was to write more, which I didn’t manage, and to get better at answering comments, which I think I did well on for the most part up until post-TROS lmao. I also wanted to do the big bang again (and I was hoping for a reverse, which it was!) and I did. And I also wanted to have fun and keep my confidence with my writing, which I think I was the most successful at. I feel really good about everything I made and I really enjoyed writing them, even if I didn’t manage to finish everything

Goals for 2020?

I think part of the reason I didn’t finish this post in 2019 is because of my TROS breakdown and subsequent stresses associated with it. Because I wasn’t sure what I wanted or what I was going to do. Sometimes I wanted to give up and find a new fandom/ship, other times I was sure I was over it and going to just do whatever the fuck I wanted, and then there was every emotion in between

Now, though, I’m sure I’m going to keep writing here. I haven’t managed much this year yet, but I can feel it coming back to me. I have a post-TROS fic I managed to solve a major problem with the other day. I also have renben as a new ship to excite me. And I still have a lot of wips and BTHB and various others I desperately want to do. Right now, I feel good about my writing and my interest in it is back to normal, which is great. So this year? I’m not going to set a hard goal. I’d love to write more than last year and maybe I will, but it’s okay if I don’t. I’d love to do another big bang this year, but I’m not going to kick myself if I can’t handle it when that time comes. I’d love to finish BTHB, but if it stretches into another year, who cares? My only goal is to just keep writing and keep enjoying it. I want to have fun with it. I want to be happy with whatever pieces I do manage to put out. I want to set aside time to read more fics from others, if I can. And I think all of those will really help with my mental health, which is starting to recover right now, and that’s what’s most important of all

Also thank you all for your patience with me. I know I’ve not been responsive, here or on twitter or to comments, but I am trying my best. It’s been a rough go and I don’t like to whine too much in my fandom spaces. I don’t know when or even if I’ll get back to normal, but I’m trying, and that’s what matters. I love every one of you on here <3

[your-high-lady]

Realisation

Summary: This story is about Feyre. She has a couple of small dreams she wants to achieve but turns out it isn’t as easy as she imagined it would. Trust me, the story is better than the summary. Modern AU. Feysand.

Chapter 1  Chapter 2   Chapter 3   Chapter 4  Chapter 5   Chapter 6 Chapter 7

Chapter 8  Chapter 9   Chapter 10   Chapter 11  Chapter 12  Chapter 13  Chapter 14  Chapter 15  Chapter 16

Disclaimer: Everything belongs to Sarah J Mass.

Chapter 17: Love Is So Beautiful

Feyre's POV

Two weeks had passed since my sisters left for Dunedin. Rhys and I were driving home, finished with the errands we'd been running.

"So, Feyre," I looked up at him, surprised to hear a tremor of nervousness in his voice.

I frowned. "Yes?"

"I have a question."

"I figured," I said, wryly.

He gave me a shy, amused smile. "I was just wondering…did you want to come over for the weekend?"

My eyebrows raised. "Like, stay the night at your house?"

"Well, I was thinking the whole weekend, but if you only want to stay one night, that's fine, too." He said, glancing between the road and me. I just stared at him.

I'd been over plenty of times for studying or just hanging out, but I'd never stayed. Had never had the courage to. Until now. After months of just being smitten over Rhys and enjoying all my time with him and his friends, I felt confident that I was safe at his house.

But he was asking me to stay the night. Alone. In his house. The idea and was appealing and daunting at the same time. I hadn't ever imagined staying over at his house, but now the idea seemed so perfect.

"Where would I sleep?" I couldn't think anything better to stay.

"I would like to sleep together in my bed, but if you're not comfortable I could move into the lounge?" He said, and I couldn't help but love him a little more at that moment. He was always thinking about me.

When I didn't speak for a minute, just stared at him lips parted, he quietly said, "Feyre?"

I blinked. Took a deep breath. "I want to sleep in the same bed as you."

His head jerked around, eyes wide. "Really?" He asked, clearly astonished at my answer. I nodded. He smiled, wild and carefree, his perfectly white teeth shining. "Okay. You'll need clothes to sleep in and clothes for the next day. Obviously." His voice was animated. I was glad to see that a simple yes to sleep in his bed with him could make him so happy. If just sleeping together made him so happy, how happy would other things make him…? And then he suddenly said, breaking me out of my thoughts, "Oh and you'll also need something fancy. I have a thing planned for you." A cheeky smile was on his face. My eyes narrowed, wondering what this thing could be. "I don't suppose you'll tell me why?" He shook his head, grinning. The disappointment at his response was quickly replaced with love. If keeping this secret made him so happy, I wouldn't take it away from him. I would do everything in my power to keep that smile on his face. "How fancy?" I asked.

He smirked. "Date-night fancy."

A couple of days later, I found myself loading my bags into Rhys's. It was a beautiful Saturday morning and I made sure to shout a bye to Mor before hopping into his car. As we drove, he said, "So, I was planning to first drop off all your bags at my house before maybe hanging out around Shoreline Lake Park. Get lunch there, maybe for a walk on one the tracks?"

I nodded. "That's fine with me." Anything was fine if I could do it with him.

An hour later, I found myself having brunch in a cafe, looking out to the sea. Rhys sat across from me, and I was picking on a blueberry muffin which I had ordered to eat while I waited for the actual food. We talked the whole time until suddenly he went silent. I was cleaning up the last dregs of my muffins, trying to get every little bit, and as I looked up at him, I happened to have my index finger between my lips. He smirked, eyebrows lifting slightly and I yanked my finger out, blushing slightly. "What?" I snapped at him, embarrassed and wiping my hands with a napkin.

"Nothing, nothing." He said, chuckling. "You're just…" His pupils widened the smallest bit. "You're cute." My eyes narrowed. "I want to lick you. All of you." He finished. I just stared at him, biting my lip to stop myself from gaping and squeezing my legs a little. The cocky twist of his lips told me he noticed. Damn.

Thankfully our food arrived them, effectively shutting down any further comments.

The rest of the day went much like that. Rhys continued to tease me and I was able to get in a few jabs back at him too, making me very proud of myself. Around four in the evening, we headed back to his home in Palo Alto. Even now, after I'd already seen it latest five times, it stunned me.

His one-story home had a grand total of four bedrooms, two bathrooms, a kitchen, a lounge area and a "gaming" room, as he liked to call it. On the outside it had light brown bricks, a small staircase leading up to the front door, a brown garage door darker than the bricks and a grey roof. The front lawn was pretty, small shrubs lining around the edges, and it always seemed to be at its peek condition. I didn't know if he tended to it himself or someone did it for him. Inside was a small corridor lit by mini LED lights and an antique-looking round mirror hanging on the wall at the end. The first time here, he'd told me the mirror belonged to his mother, one her few prized possessions. He'd kept it there, not to remind himself of her death but the joy he often used to see in her face when she was looking at it, remembering her own parents.

A single door on the right led to the garage, and the left side opened up into the lounge area where all the guests sat. On the right was the kitchen and the dining table in front of it.

Another corridor at the back of the kitchen led into the bedrooms, bathrooms and the second lounge area which Rhys used to play x-box, watch tv and just hang out with his friends. The interior of his house also had the brown themes going on with white rolled into it.

I loved it. The first time I'd walked in, it had instantly felt like home. Warm and safe.

Today, we played some x-box, which he had taught me how to play the second time I came around, card games like Go Fish, Snap and Uno and then watched a Marvel movie. Around seven, I told Rhys I was going to take a shower and then unexpectedly, he told me to change into the fancy dress I'd brought with me, and not to come out into the kitchen until he told me I could. "Why though?" I questioned his strange instructions, but he just replied with, "It's time for your surprise."

In the bathroom, I quickly washed myself and my hair. While changing into my dress, I started smelling coffee coming through the door. It was a nice smell if a little strong. On my way out of the shower, I noticed the end of the corridor leading into the kitchen area looked like it was glowing red and orange as if the sun was setting right here in Rhys's house. I called out to him, taking a couple of unsure steps. "Wait! Stay where you are, don't move and close your eyes." He shouted back. I frowned but obliged, curious despite myself about where this was going.

A few seconds later, I heard him gasp and instinctively opened my eyes. There he was, standing at the end of the corridor, mouth slightly open in a silent gasp, eyes wide. When he kept staring at me, I nervously ran my hands up and down my dress, and said, "Do I look alright?"

I'd been groaning as I rummaged around my closet, occasionally throwing a piece of clothing over my shoulder. I was having difficulty finding something I was sure Rhys would like. It didn't take long for Mor to come in. "What are you groa—" She'd stopped, eyes wide open as she stood at the threshold, and looked at my room. It had gotten quite messy, what with all the clothing strewn around the room. I told her what I was looking for and she immediately dragged me to her own cupboard and found me a dress.

It was that dress I was wearing now. It was blue and white. The neck was deep, the straps coming to criss-cross across my back. Two slits ran up my legs up to just above my knees and there were another two cut-outs above my hips.

Mor had had to threaten to strangle me to get me to pack that into my bag.

I had eventually relented because I really did find the dress pretty and something told me Rhys would like it too.

And it seemed I was right.

Rhys was still staring at me so I said, "Rhys?" He blinked rapidly before bringing his eyes back up to mine. He stammered, "Fey-Feyre. You-you look very beautiful."

I smiled a little shyly, "Thanks." He shook his head like he was clearing his head, and approached me.

"Close your eyes." I did. "And don't open them." I nodded once. Flinching slightly when I felt an arm wrap itself around my waist and a warm calloused hand cover my eyes, he led me out to the kitchen. The smell of coffee got stronger and when I turned around the corner, he moved his hand down but kept his arm around my waist. I kept my eyes closed. It felt like I was looking straight at the sun with my eyes closed. It's so bright! I thought. And then he whispered in my ear to open my eyes.

My first reaction was an involuntary gasp. I couldn't help it. The blinds were closed, lights off. Everywhere candles of all shapes and sizes were lit. On the tables, couch armrests, beside the vases, next to a lamp, on the dining table, on the ground in the edges and around corners. Everywhere. Coming from the two biggest ones was the scent of coffee.

The dinner table was set for two: fancy plates, cutlery, glasses, all the jazz there. Small portions of different dishes were laid out. I noticed they were all my favourites: croissants, butter chicken, cheese pizza and my most beloved, cheeseburgers. In a large jug, he had some grape punch if the dark purple colour was any indication. I loved all these foods and especially the punch and burgers, but half of them, I'd never even told Rhys I liked them. So stupidly, all I said was, "How do you know I love butter chicken? Croissants? Never once have I told you that."

Though I couldn't see him, I knew he was smirking, eyebrows raised. "No thank you's, when did you do this, how did you do this? Straight up. How do I know you like butter chicken and croissants?" I blushed but said nothing. He sighed. "I asked your sisters. I've wanted to do something like this for a while now. Just didn't know when." My heart stuttered.

Two weeks. For two weeks, he had been planning this.

Two weeks.

"Why?" I whispered.

"Feyre?" He said.

"Why? Why did you do this?" I said in a louder, more clear voice.

He was silent for a couple of seconds before coming to stand in front of me. I slowly raised my chin and looked into his eyes. He smiled. "Why not? I love you." My heart stuttered. He'd never said that before. "I love you so much." He chuckled lightly, eyes wide as if he couldn't believe his won words." Sometimes I feel like I'll die from just how much I love you. I love you so much, it hurts. It's the least I could do." He looked down. I put my hands on his cheeks, cupping them, and kissed him.

"Thank you," I said, pulling away and leaning my forehead against his. "I want you to know…" I paused, hesitating a little. "I want you to know that I love you." His lower lip trembled and a tear trickled down his cheek. I wiped it away with gentle fingers as I said, "I want you to know that I am broken and healing, but every piece of my heart belongs to you. And I am honoured—honoured to be by your side." I wrapped a hand around his neck and brought his lips to mine. His hands came up to rest on my waist and we lost ourselves in each other for a few minutes before he pulled away and gasped, "Dinner's getting cold."

That night, I was the bathroom, getting ready for bed. I looked into the mirror and saw someone so different from who I'd been in January. It was like we were two different people. Then, my face had been gaunt and dark. My eyes were drawn and dark circles were prominent on my face. My lips curved downwards. I hadn't smiled in forever. I couldn't remember the last time I'd laughed. And now, it looked like my eyes were practically glowing. Everything was glowing. My eyes, my skin. Even the way I talked had changed since then. Before it had been boring, bland. Now, it was like I was basking in starlight. My voice sounded lilting and soft. My lips seemed to permanently turn upwards. The dark circles were no longer there. All the pimples and blemishes had disappeared.

But no, they hadn't. There was an acne scar right there, just peeking through my hairline and another one on my nostril. They were all there. And yet, I was beautiful. I felt beautiful. I knew I was beautiful and I owned it. In the mirror, I watched as a smile light up my face. I was beautiful and nobody could tell me anything different.

AN: Love yourself, guys.

[mintchocolateleaves]

Law Unto Themselves (3/??)

Summary: Kaito searches Pisco’s home for the aforementioned disc. Dark!AU where the good guys are the bad guys, and vice versa.

[Beginning]     [Previous Chapter] 

They say only sociopaths and stupid people want to live forever.

And Kuroba Kaito is not stupid.

He’d not been lying when he’d said he was looking for a gem. It’s not his fault that people don’t know about the legend of Pandora, don’t want to look into myths and fairy tales for some distortion of the truth, about gemstones that cry tears of immortality. Sometimes, when he cannot sleep, because he is too focused on tracking the gemstone down, Kaito wonders whether they’ll taste salty, like real tears.

He pockets his phone, thoughts of Kudo Shinichi lingering in his head. Every day he guesses, wonders what exactly Kaito’s motivations are. And ever day he is forced to repeat himself, to tell him he is looking for a jewel, and bite his tongue from snapping completely and asking why he doesn’t just read the files Snake and his cronies had submitted before their ‘untimely deaths’.

Kaito shakes the thought away, forces himself to remain straight-faced and professional, and reaches into his pocket for his lock picks. He keeps them in his car, hidden under the passenger seat – easily accessible but still an efficient hiding place. Sometimes the best hiding places are the simplest.

“Okay,” he says to himself, barely a whisper as he pulls out two picks. He’s going in through Pisco’s back door, and just from looking at the lock, it’s easy enough to know that there are at least four pins that he needs to unlock. He suppresses a sigh as he identifies the lock as a wafer lock.

Pulling the torsion wrench from his set, he pushes it into the bottom of the lock, ready to keep all of the pins in places when he unlocks them. He almost wishes that he’d gone around to the front door – it’s an older lock, an easier door to open, but there had been a CCTV camera watching over, and there’s a light shining outside the door, a motion sensor.

Sometimes, technology is frustrating, despite all of it’s practical uses. Or rather; it’s irritating when Kaito has to go out of his way to bypass it, simply to break into a house.

If it was a heist location – something a bit more challenging – then it’d be more fun. A little amusing, but not an inconvenience. Pushing pins up within the lock and shaking his head, Kaito realises that’s what this is: an inconvenience. He’d planned on making copies of the blueprints for the Tokyo Sky-tree tonight, but a phone call from Kudo had dragged him to the gun trade, and afterwards, involved sending him on some useless mission.

The door unlocks with a faint click, and Kaito pulls the handle down, shimmying in through the back door and across the threshold into the kitchen. It’s a cluttered space, with pans and plates left on the drying rack. Pisco enjoyed cooking then, odd, seeing as Kaito had imagined him being the type of man who ate meals over the sink, always busy.

A part of Kaito wants to put the dishes away, just because Pisco never will again. Instead, he leaves the kitchen behind, climbing the stairs for some resemblance of a study. He grabs a small torch from his pocket – the beam isn’t bright, but it’s enough to see more details inside the room. Next time, he thinks, he’ll actually bring some night-vision goggles so that he doesn’t need any light… They’ll fit in the glove compartment, he thinks, and as long as he makes sure Aoko doesn’t take the car for work…

“If I were an eighty-year-old dead guy,” Kaito whispers to himself, “where would I keep a hidden file?”

He’s kept it on a disc, which is always harder to find than a paper trail, but he’s pretty sure that given enough time, he’ll find it. Provided that no one comes calling on Pisco tonight, Kaito’s certain that he’ll find the disc in no time.

The study isn’t tidy. It’s organised chaos, with books spread across the floor, files piled up against the wall. There are pictures spreading the wall – many from murder scenes, some from crimes Kaito’s committed himself. He’s not sure whether to be uneasy about the interest into the shows he’s put on, or proud.

He chooses proud, because pride feels much better than nervousness.

Pulling his phone out, he turns his settings onto flash, capturing the wall on his screen. It’d be stupid not to take pictures, even if he’s here for something else. Kudo doesn’t raise his voice much, (not that Kaito really cares when he does, it’s almost laughable watching the usually controlled man become slightly irrational), but he definitely would if he realised Kaito came back with only half of the information.

And then, he decides to search. He searches the man’s laptop first – sometimes people’s sense of security leads them to leave things in the simplest of places, and sits in Pisco’s chair, skimming over files he’s saved just in case there are copies on his laptop. There aren’t.

There’s no disc either.

It’s not surprising. The clutter of the room is a pretty obvious indicator that Pisco had relied more on paper evidence. That’s why he’s got a board of evidence, is why he’s so messy – people who use computers wouldn’t have as many police files lying around.

Wait… Is it even legal to bring police files from a police station? What a bad man. And here Kaito had thought Pisco would have been on his high horse, trying to play morality – but isn’t he technically as bad as Kaito is? He’s broken the rules, and frankly, breaking one always leads to breaking more.

“I wonder…” Kaito mutters, reaching forward to check the desk drawers. “If Pisco ever killed anyone?”

The man had been a cop before retirement, and well… it’s very easy, Kaito finds, to pull the trigger when the urge grows too much to handle. And Pisco would have even been able to blame it on police work, turning murder into self-defence.

Sometimes, Kaito thinks that he’d make a brilliant police officer.

But all the paperwork… How all his detectives can deal with boring office work is bewildering. Or maybe it’s worrying? Someday, he’ll book them in for a psychiatric test, because they clearly need one.

“Not in here.” Kaito sighs after a second, jumps up from the desk and makes his way over to the bookshelf. He’s still using his phone as a torch, and skims over the titles of books trying to find anything that stands out. Most are books on criminal psychology and other things relating to police work. Boring things, truly, except maybe one of the… yes, there’s one that looks more interesting compared to the others.

A cook book.

There had been a few downstairs in the kitchen, but only one in the study – Kaito reaches forward and pulls it out. As he opens the book, flipping through the pages, a single disc drops from between the paper. It makes some sort of noise as it lands on the carpet – not quite a thud, but not a clatter either. It’s a muffled sound, and while it doesn’t ring, it certainly carries through the room.

Kaito scoops the disc up.

Since Kudo wants the files ASAP, he circles around Pisco’s desk, rebooting the computer and placing the disc into the drive. The machine whirs – old technology, seriously, who even uses computers when laptops are so much better? - and Kaito taps his foot against the carpet as he waits.

He checks his watch – 1 a.m.

It’s late. Aoko will be wondering where he is; there’s only so much blame he can put on marking student’s coursework and preparing magic tricks for weekend shows. Even with all of the business he has with Kudo and the organisation, he’s usually home earlier than this.

Unless… Kaito glances at his phone next, when the computer continues to load it’s main functions, the loading bar only halfway loaded. There are two texts, both from his girlfriend and Kaito opens Aoko’s messages with the same euphoria he imagines a drug addict feels during the initial high.

Will be home late, don’t wait up. Xx

Someone was late to the briefing AGAIN. If KID can show to his heists on time, our team should have the same courtesy. Hahaaha xx

Kaito sends a quick text back, saying he’d been distracted with work for tomorrow’s class, but that he hopes she’ll be back home soon. It’s a lie – of course it’s a lie, but it’s not like he needs to work on an excuse if Aoko’s not home either.

The computer lets out a little ring, a signal that it’s fully loaded, and Kaito leans forward, double clicking with the mouse onto my documents. Seconds pass, and Kaito drags the cursor over to 'External device’, and opens the disc.

It takes some time to load, and when it does, the computer flickers.

Insert Password. The disc says.

Kaito pauses, tries to think of any words that’ll lead to the disc unlocking itself. It doesn’t feel like he’s taking too long, but after a minute of thinking, the computer blinks off, the screen going black. Safety measures, Kaito’s almost impressed.

He glances around the room – no sign of a password, no carefully placed post-it notes or words sketched into the desk. And he certainly doesn’t know enough about coding to hack into the disc without a password…

Kaito leans back in Pisco’s chair, lets out a sigh. There’s only one place he can go to get the disc hacked into without the password, only one place he trusts enough to deal with something this… is it important? He isn’t sure.

He checks his watch again, only three minutes have passed. It’s not like can even make an excuse that everything is closed, and that they’ll be asleep. A short sigh forces Kaito to push himself forward, a groan forces its way onto his lips and he makes his way back downstairs to the back door.

His car is two blocks across, and Kaito runs his hand through his hair as he makes his way back. It unlocks with a click of his car keys, and for a moment, Kaito has to suppress a yawn as he throws himself forward. To think – he’s going to have to wake up for work in four hours, and his night isn’t even over yet.

Coffee isn’t something Kaito tends to dabble with, but somehow he knows he’s going to have to fix himself one tomorrow. He’s already trying to figure out the water to milk ratio for a perfect drink, deciding how many sugars he’s going to have to put in to make it edible.

“Fucking Kudo,” Kaito says, slamming the door beside him. He pushes his keys into the ignition, the engine roaring into life. “The things I do…”

He sends a quick message as he’s preparing to pull away, the pictures he’s taken, and confirms that he’s got a disc, and that he’s working on breaking through any security measures to get inside. Then, throwing his phone onto the passenger seat, Kaito signals left onto the road, and makes his way down town, to Shinjuku.

[Next Chapter]

[crispyninjadonut]

Hopelessly, Helplessly

Yo my peeps its detz dayyy in @kotlcpridemonth and my frien that made stuffs for kam and feefe wrote something for today and it is amazin and shes allowing me to share it with you all so here ya go my friens enjoy the angsttm

     Little teensy disclaimer from the author of this fic, I am using Neverseen as a strong reference and some of the events and dialogue are taken straight from the book. I don't own any of the series or characters or anything that relates slightly to Shannon Messenger's world besides the little plot that is my own. And I do a sort of book recounting but from Dex’s point of view, I'm sorry this is so long or if you don't like that I recounted Neverseen so much. I just had this brewing in my head for a while and got to writing it for Detz day. Anyway, hope you enjoy!

     The first time Dex met Fitz, when his innocent Level One eyes met the older Level Three's sparkling teal ones, he knew something was wrong. The way his heart sped up was unnatural, the way his hands got clammy an oddity for calm and collected Dex Dizznee, but he pretended all was fine. It didn't matter that the same tingling sensation filled his body whenever he was around the older male, Dex was sure that this was just jealousy, and acted accordingly. 

      He didn't know if Fitz actually knew he existed or not, but he liked to pretend he didn't so it gave the young boy yet another reason to 'resent' him. He finished Level One year without much incident, and over the summer, told himself that he didn't even remember the person called Fitz or Fotz or whatever, but the teal eyes and dark hair that lingered in his dreams suggested otherwise.      When Level Two year began, Dex found himself waving to the boy who's name he could not remember, (he had a notebook at home covered with his eyes and face, however) despite his mind's wishes. The tingling feeling was still there, but again, he ignored it. That was all, until Sophie Foster entered his life.      Finally, someone who liked Dex, who wanted to spend time with him, who wanted to be his friend. He threw himself headfirst into this relationship, wanting to get buried in the feelings of having a close friend and hoping that it would turn into attraction. It had to turn into attraction. So when Fitz turned out to be close to Sophie as well and their friendship developed too, Dex was the epitome of jealousy.      He knew he was being ridiculous, but he didn't know why, and he couldn't stop it. Everywhere he turned was the insufferable Wonderboy, talking to Sophie, being with Sophie, having intimate conversations with Sophie that Dex couldn't because he hadn't manifested as a Telepath, only a stupid Technopath. What was technology when Fitz was getting to talk to Sophie whenever they pleased? What was their encounters when Sophie and Fitz would spend time staring into each other's eyes like two star crossed lovers?      He sulked and moped around more and more, and began having nightmares. "Soon, everyone will forget about you." his mind taunted. "You don't matter to anyone, they're all going to leave you. What do you have that Sophie doesn't? You're worthless compared to her." The voices wouldn't stop and Dex stayed up night after night trying to brew a potion to quiet his mind. Nothing worked, nothing ever worked, not for long. "This is because Fitz is taking her away from me." Dex would growl to no one as he sat, alone, in his room. "This is because of him." There was truth to that statement, but not in the way Dex would've liked.      It was difficult. Dex felt like everything solid was being pulled out from under his feet and he didn't yet know how to fly. And when he did learn how, his fragile wings couldn't support his body of lead. He realized, eventually, after a long period of denial, "what the hell is wrong with me" thoughts, and days and nights alike filled with tears upon tears, that he didn't like Sophie, that he would probably never like Sophie, and instead he was head over heels for someone else in their unlikely group of friends.      The teal eyed, dark haired boy that seemed to be able to read his soul during the few times their eyes met for more than a second and had haunted his dreams since Level One. He was hopelessly, helplessly in love, and he knew it. But that didn't mean he was okay with it. No, he knew he didn't stand a chance. After all, he was inferior to everyone it seemed. So he buried those feelings away and instead focused on what was more important than meager feelings that would never be acted upon.      However, adventure after adventure, they all got closer over time. And it felt nice, because although Dex and Sophie were never quite as close as they were when they first met, he also had Biana, and Keefe on good days, and eventually, even Fitz (he still called him Wonderboy, though, it helped in some weird, unrealistic way). He felt better about himself, he felt useful, that was the important part.        And when Keefe wanted to dye Fitz's hair green, he didn't object, because he didn't want any suspicions and knew secretly that Fitz would still look good no matter what. It turned out Fitz wasn't even mad, so the small amount of worrying Dex had actually done proved to be for naught. (He was also right, Fitz did look good) And then, Dex was going to save Prentice, he was that important. He was proud, finally, completely proud of what he could do, and  was sure that despite all the danger, everything would turn out fine.      This didn't happen. They were caught, found out by the Councillors that wanted nothing but them subdued. His mind raced as the Arthropleura rained down from the ceiling, as the rest of the Collective and Biana, Della, and Keefe were brought in, and as Mr. Forkle yelled at them to leap away. Dex knew Sophie wouldn't. So he came up with a plan.        He readied his gadgets, and they were all going to make it out of this alive. But Fitz, beautiful, unknowing Fitz. He tried to be the hero. And it didn't work.      "No. No no no." Was the only thought Dex had as he watched the device explode and hurl Fitz backward, who crashed down on the antenna of a charging arthropleura. Dex screamed, but no sound came out, and he ran to stop the bleeding. He was barely aware of what was going on around him, all he could do was pray and pray and cry, but crying was for later.      Sophie came and dropped to the floor next to him a second later, but Dex was numb to everything but the cooling of Fitz's chest and the warmth of his sticky blood. "It was my fault," He mumbled, his entire brain overwhelmingly numb and coursing through a thousand thoughts at the same time.      He focused, he focused on whatever he could besides the thought of Fitz dying, he focused on saving him. Mr. Forkle's voice filled Dex's brain, quieting the lasts of the thoughts. "Mr. Forkle says to leap Fitz out of here." He whispered to Sophie much calmer than he actually felt. He felt like he was going to be sick, and the only reason his entire body wasn't trembling was because he had to be strong for Fitz.      Sophie seemed to nod her head, but Dex knew better. She wasn't going to leave everyone else. She was too brave, too caring for that. "I need to help him." He thought, staring at the beautiful pale face of the boy he so desperately loved. He set his jaw.      "I'll take care of him." He promised as he grabbed the limp form of Fitz and raised his escape crystal to the light and leaped away. In that single leap, Dex concentrated harder than he ever had on keeping Fitz together, he was not about to lose that boy. The cloaks they were wrapped in were supposed to protect them during the leap though the force field, but it was dangerous with Fitz bordering on or already falling into unconsciousness.      Finding Physic to heal Fitz was mostly a blur, but he slightly remembered a colorful mask, having a hard time believing this person could help, and screaming at first when she tried to pull him out of his arms. He quickly regained his composure and gave him away, reminding himself that she was his only hope. He tried to stay with them, but Physic shooed him away, warning that things were going to be messy and a little hard to watch, so he should stay out in the tree house.      He collapsed to the floor the minute he was alone, and everything was eerily quiet. He sobbed for a good ten minutes straight, before warily untangling himself and curling his legs into his chest and staring at the fire. He trembled, he could feel the guilt clouding his mind, and took whatever strength he had left not to completely break. A few tears still slipped down his cheeks, but he made no move to wipe them away.      When everyone appeared in the tree house, it was a welcome distraction, but he didn't move his head away from the fire. He just, couldn't. "Physic is treating Fitz right now." He told everyone.      "Can we see him?" Sophie asked. He shook his head slowly, turning his eyes to hers, not caring about his red rimmed eyes or tear stained cheeks.      "She said I should stay out here because it was going to get messy." She looked back at him in distress. He didn't say anything else, there was a huge knot in his throat that he couldn't swallow down.      Dex didn't listen too hard, but people cleared out of the room quickly, Della and Mr. Forkle to see Fitz, the rest of the collective off to their lives. Keefe and Biana paced back and forth anxiously, but Sophie eventually came to sit next to him.      "Hey. You okay?" She asked him, worry laced in her voice. Dex wiped his runny nose and a stray tear from his cheek.      "My invention caused all of this." He managed to croak out, the knot still stuck in his throat. His eyes brimmed with tears, but none fell over.      "No, that was the Council," Sophie corrected. "They set the trap. And Fitz's injury really was an accident." Dex shook his head again.      "Still, if I h-hadn't rushed to attack-"      "You were trying to help," Sophie told him. "No one blames you for that."      "I know my brother won't," Biana promised, chiming in to help Sophie help Dex. Dex wasn't convinced.      "So what's Physic like?" Keefe asked, sitting next to Sophie. "Did it seem like she knew what she was doing?" Dex took the slight distraction, and tried to keep the guilt at bay.      "I don't know," He mumbled. "Normally I'd think someone wearing a sparkly mask and calling themselves Physic was crazy. But it's the Black Swan, so..." He trailed off, looking at his arms and burying his face in them. He didn't have the strength to continue. He wondered if the pain he was feeling matched Fitz's.      "She better be as good as Elwin." Sophie sighed. Dex silently agreed.      "If she's not, we'll sneak into the Lost Cities and kidnap him," Keefe promised, nudging her arm. "Don't worry too much, Foster. Fitz didn't look half as bad as you did during your last few brushes with death, and you're still with us-" Whatever else Keefe was saying was lost on Dex's ears. All he could think about was Fitz dying. It sounded so surreal, and way too possible. And now that he thought about it, hadn't Mr. Forkle and Della been away for a long time? Was something wrong? His mind cut back into his surroundings and his head shot up when he heard Mr. Forkle's voice.      "I agree," He said, striding into the room. Dex didn't know what he was agreeing with, but he didn't look like he just saw a corpse, so that had to be a good sign. "Physic has things stabilized if you would like to see Mr. Vacker." Dex stood up so quickly he almost fell over. He trembled all the way to Fitz's rooms, and he thought he might start crying again.      When he walked in the room, his body froze. His mind took in his shirtless chest, the black spiderweb of veins, and Della beside him, pressing a silver compress against his forehead, but he could hardly breath. "I killed Wonderboy," He whispered, the lump returning to this throat.        "I looks worse than it is," Physic promised, adjusting her mask. "I've already sealed the wound," she added. "And I have the damaged tissue repairing. Now we just need to get the venom out of his system." As she fished through a golden trunk, Dex was able to breath a little more, he didn't sound like he was going to die.      "This will make for a pretty awful day," Physic warned as she emptied a vial of dried leaves into her palm. "But I'm guessing that's probably true already. Now, which one of you can help me?" Before Dex could even think about raising his hand to try to repay Fitz for almost killing him, Keefe had already volunteered Sophie and Dex watched unfocused as she helped create some elixirs and a pulpy leafy mush that was rubbed into Fitz's pale skin. When they were finished, every single part of the black spiderweb was covered.      "That will draw the venom out of his skin," she explained as she wrapped his chest with a roll of silver silk. "And this"-she poured a vial of thick yellow sludge under his tongue-"will get it out of his system. It will make him vomit. A lot." She turned a silver handkerchief into a bag big enough to hold a bowling ball. "Keep this sealed tight when he's done. I need an uncontaminated sample." Dex shuttered, the thought of it repulsive, but welcomed anything that would help Fitz. When he heard Biana ask if Physic was leaving, Dex snapped out of another one of his dazes.

    “Only briefly.” She replied. “I need to run to the apothecary to pick up one more supply to make sure none of this leaves a scar.”

    “Are you going to Slurps and Burps?” Dex asked, willing to do anything and everything to be even a little bit of help. “My dad will get us anything you need. I could even go with you to make sure.” He needed to make sure Fitz would be alright.

    “You're sweet to offer,” Physic told him, “but that would ruin my incognito thing.” Whatever else she said was drowned out by his embarrassment. He knew no one else cared, but at the moment he felt more like a burden than anything helpful or useful.

     “Someone needs to stay here with Fitz and make sure he doesn't choke on his own vomit.” Of course Dex would be staying, there was no question. He didn't even have to raise his hand. After warning them that Fitz looked ready for “Retching round number one,” Physic left, and shortly after Sophie, Keefe, and Mr. Forkle did too. That left Dex with Biana, Della, and the barely conscious form of Fitz.

    After a while Keefe came back in to check on his friend, but couldn't stay for long. Dex had to admit, watching Fitz barf was gross and hard enough, every time the black gunk sprayed out of his mouth, it felt like his insides were tearing up, but Biana would barf too, and then Della would lose it, what with everything happening. But he stayed, he stayed for hour upon hour because he just couldn't leave.

    More than once he wanted to reach out and grab Fitz’s hand, but he was regaining consciousness and color in his cheeks, and that would've been a weird thing to do when he wasn't his family. Instead, he comforted Biana, and talked when he felt he should. Only when he felt he should.

     After a while, Physic came back holding a palm-sized white jar and rubbed its contents into Fitz’s skin, effectively erasing the last of the spiderweb veins that decorated his chest. After an hour of dry heaving, and fifteen other medicines, Fitz was declared “cured.”

     “You're not healed,” she warned. “You're going to need another week of recovery for that. And you'll need to drink a vile tea every morning.”

     “Did you say ‘vile,?” Della asked.

     “Oh yeah-it's nasty stuff. But so is getting impaled by a giant bug. Steep one hollowthistle into a cup of boiling water and make him down the whole thing in one gulp. Try not to throw it up,” She told Fitz. “And no getting out of this bed except for essential things.” He was getting better, he was getting better, and that was what Dex focused on.

     “Fitz will look worse before he gets better. Just know that's part of the process. I promise he'll be his old self by the seventh cup.”

     “Can't I just down all seven cups right now?” Fitz asked.

     “Not unless you want your insides to liquefy.”

     “Am I the only one who thinks that would be kind of cool?” Keefe asked, and yes, he most certainly was the only one who thought that. Hearing him talk about it only made Dex get more queasy. He snapped out of it when Sophie told them that one of Mr. Forkel’s identities was Sir Astin, which surprised him, but he wasn't that impressed. It felt like they were only chipping the top of the iceberg. He listened to Della tell a story until Fitz yelped.

     Immediately, Dex’s entire body tensed, and he whipped his head around from where he was standing to make sure nothing else bad had happened to Fitz. “Sorry,” the older boy mumbled, “I was just trying to sit up.

     “Vertical is not your friend yet,” Physic told him. “Make horizontal your buddy for the next seven days.” Fitz sighed, but winced from the sigh.

     “Can I at least practice Telepathy?”

     “You might be up to it in a few days,” she told him. “But I doubt it. You need to rest. You came pretty close to dying.” Dex went pale.

     “I knew it,” He mumbled to himself from the corner. He knew it. “Can I...um...talk to you for a sec?” He asked Fitz, praying for him to say yes, but then remembered they should probably not have any others around. “Alone?” He added, nervously.

     “Uh...sure,” Fitz said slowly, and Dex felt his knees go a little weak. This was happening.

     “Come on,” Della said, herding everyone out. “Physic should check us too”

     “Thank you,” he thought silently, but Keefe wasn't having it.

     “But we're going to stand close enough so we can eavesdrop, right?” He asked. Dex was about to say something rude but Fitz flung a pillow and smacked Keefe in the head-and then yelped, clutching his shoulder, before he had the chance.

     “Don't make me restrain you!” Physic warned. “And don't you dare fling that pillow back!” she told Keefe. Finally everyone left the room, and Dex avoided everyone’s gazes, and then it was just them.

     “What's up?” Fitz asked him slowly, and Dex didn't know what to say. Well, obviously he had a thousand things to say, but that lump was forming in his throat again and the tears were brimming again and Fitz looked more concerned than he should have considering he was the one who almost died and Dex was the one who almost killed him.

     “I-I'm sorry,” Dex said, blubbering a little and he sniffled before rubbing his nose and wiping his eyes.

     “Dex…”

     “I'm sorry for today. You almost got killed! All because of me…” Fitz looked very confused, very concerned, and very sad, but before he could respond, Dex went on.

     “And I'm sorry for always acting like I hated you, I didn't, I couldn't, not really, but it was the easiest thing to do.” They were both silent for a moment, save for Dex’s few sniffles.

     “Why?” Fitz asked after a moment, and Dex’s face fell. His heart seized up and his hands grew clammy but he knew he had to tell him the truth. He deserved it.

     “Because...because you took Sophie away from me, it felt. She was the first person who cared but you were there, always one step ahead it seemed, keeping me from the only best friend I'd ever had. And you're so perfect, everything about you from your perfect eyes and hair and face and lips-” His breath caught in his throat. He didn't mean for that last word to escape, but he couldn't stop his emotions after they were finally able to spill out after a year (at least) of repression. Fitz noticed, he definitely noticed, but he pretended he didn't.

     “Go on,” He urged, he somehow knew Dex wasn't done. Dex took a deep breath before continuing.

     “How could I compete with you? But that wasn't the problem was it?” He said with a sad smile. “I wasn't jealous of you, I was jealous of Sophie, because she filled a spot in your life it seemed I didn't even know I wanted to fill until a few months ago. But you know what the worst part is?” He asked Fitz, his eyes glimmering and heart pounding.

     “What?” Fitz asked so quietly it was almost like just another one of his breaths. He was captivated by this small strawberry blonde boy with periwinkle eyes and dimples that one could get lost in.

     “You ignored me. You ignored me and it hurt so so bad, it was like everyone else was better than the bad match who wasn't popular and couldn't-” his last words were cut off by a choked up Fitz.

     “Stop! Please stop.” He said, tears welling up a little. Dex tensed. He made him cry. Well, sort of.

     “I-I'm sorry, I shouldn't have-”

     “No! No, you should have. I didn't mean to make you feel like that. I never ever meant to, I didn't know. I just thought that you wanted nothing to do with me.” Fitz told him, motioning for Dex to walk closer to him. Dex did what was motioned and sat gently on the bed, minding Fitz’s fragile body.

    “Well, I didn't exactly do a good job of making you think otherwise, did I?” He asked sadly, and Fitz shook his head, but he smiled a little. He grabbed one of Dex’s hands and Dex could hardly breathe. He could hardly think. What was going on?

     “No, you didn't.” He said with a slight laugh, but it was a sort of hollow one, there was no joy. “Is there...anything else?” Fitz asked, because he knew there was something Dex wasn't telling him and he thought he knew what it was, but he wanted to hear it from Dex’s own mouth. Dex stared at their intertwined fingers, and took a deep breath.

     “Actually...actually there is. I, um,” he cleared his throat, “Fitz Vacker, since I had met you I-I-” Fitz smiled at him his dazzling, heart-stopping smile and right then and there Dex knew if he died in the next few moments he would die happy. “I fell hopelessly and helplessly in love with you, and I didn't know what to do.” His heart was pounding so loud he could hear it in his ears, but with the confession out, everything stopped. The room was so silent Dex felt like his ears were going to pop. But he was happy. It was like admitting it to Fitz helped him come to terms with it. Maybe, one day, he would even get over it.

     “Dex Dizznee,” Fitz’s deep voice bounced around Dex’s head, hitting every corner of his brain and rendering him incapable of speech. “From the moment I saw your dimpled smile, and periwinkle eyes, I fell hopelessly and helplessly in love with you, and I didn't know what to do.” His lips were right next to Dex’s ear, he had pulled him down so their faces were only inches apart.

     Dex didn't know what to think. This couldn't be happening, Fitz Vacker couldn't possibly like him back, it was too far-fetched, too impossible, yet here he was, face now mere centimeters from the boy that clogged his brain. He stared into Fitz’s eyes, unsure of what to do, not wanting to overstep any boundaries, and Fitz seemed to notice, because he was the one who closed the gap between them and captured Dex’s lips with his own.

     It was the best thing Dex had ever experienced, it was hotter than the sun, hotter than anything, but burned so so right. It consumed him, warmth spread throughout his body like a fire consuming a forest, and it felt like sparks were coming off their skin. It ended suddenly, too soon, much too soon, but he opened his eyes nevertheless and looked at Fitz, breathless.

     “You didn't have to do that,” Dex said when he could find his voice, still panting slightly. Fitz laughed, just a little, and reached up to Dex’s face.

     “But I wanted to,” he whispered, and pulled the smaller boy in for a hug that wasn't as warm as their kiss but felt nearly as good.

     And if Dex had to come up with an excuse and had to put on a little show that deserved an oscar when Sophie followed him to his room, that was okay, (though he didn't lie about being her best friend) because she didn't notice his slightly red lips. And if Fitz had to blame his breathlessness on the pain when Keefe came to check on him, that was perfectly fine, because Keefe didn't notice his red face and slightly tousled hair. And if they both felt immense relief when Keefe found Fitz’s stuffed dragon that he didn't really miss because he was too busy recounting their conversation, well, neither of them were complaining, and used the time to think about each other in the light of the lingering moments of the fantasy world their kiss had left behind.

 (I'm really sorry. Dex is my precious cinnamon roll and I love him more than anything but I didn't know what to do besides angst cause that is the only thing that boy is made up of. But I'm not sorry for that kiss, Detz was my number one ship since their first encounter and lord knows we don't have enough Detz kisses in this community)(Also if you made it through this entire thing plus 100 friend and happiness points to you)

[alexsunmners]

Shot At the Night VI

Alex Summers x Reader, Chapter 6/6

A/N: It’s finally mcfucking finished holy shit. Thanks for sticking with me through my months of procrastination, and I hope you enjoyed it. Please please please give me some feedback bc it’s my lifeblood and I need it to survive. 

Part I / Part II / Part III / Part IV / Part V / ao3

Tags: @kurtwxgners @put-in-writing @shayara @raypclmer @emmcfrxst @karazorelsgf @rax-writes @frostypalmer @vodkaauntwithwings @jubillee  @stovehairington @condorlana @fantasticallycaitlin @a-girl-who-loves-disney @scorletwitch @cheylovesmotox @littlemissvicki @one-secondof-thevamps @brooke-supernatural16 @icepeters-book-trash @bookchic20 @fandomiteen @captain-ducks-swim-in-the-pond @notsofastmaximoff

You try to go back to sleep. You really do try. After the apartment door swings closed, you just sit on the edge of Alex’s bed, frozen in place. The past three months play on repeat in your mind, flitting through as if on fast forward and you’re not seeing the time filtering past as a whole, you’re seeing the individual moments. The ones where you let yourself buy into the façade of dating a little too deeply. You’re holding his hand in a supermarket aisle and calling him babe. Kissing him on the couch and telling yourself that it’s for practice. That you don’t feel anything but platonic affection for him. He’s introducing himself to your friends as your boyfriend with his arm around your waist.

You can feel tears working their way down your cheeks, but you’re barely aware of them, still lost in your memories. Skip forwards another two weeks and you’re sharing a bed. Your mental recap freezes on the moment you woke up beside him, and your heart actually lurches at the remembrance of his drowsy blue eyes and messy hair and the sleepy smile he gave you. The tears are coming faster now, and as you reach up to wipe them from your face, you can’t help but feel fucking ridiculous. How did you ever let yourself think that he wanted you too? How did you ever let this whole absurd charade get this far?

The mental play through of your pseudo relationship is still going. You’re getting drinks with Angel and she’s telling you Alex makes you happy. How whatever is between the two of you is serious. Alex is sitting on the couch with you again, only this time he looks like he might fall apart and all you want to do is hold him. Something stutters in your mind and then you’re kissing him, and for two seconds it’s perfect and then he pulls away and it’s your turn to fall apart. The memories evaporate and you feel like you’re suffocating because the sheets you’re sitting on are still warm and they smell like him and you’re suddenly so aware of just how head over goddamn heels you’ve managed to fall for him.

Somehow you manage to stumble out and back to your room, collapsing on your bed, curled in on yourself as you remember the panicked expression in his eyes as he pushed you away. It’s normal for rejection to sting, but this feels like your heart has been ripped out and you’re so aware of exactly what kind of cliché you’re living right now but you don’t care that this closely resembles a scene from any generic rom com one might care to name because it hurts too fucking much.

Alex still isn’t back when you wake up. Despite your best efforts to the contrary, you must have somehow managed to slip into a fitful sleep because you open your eyes to weak early morning light filtering through your blinds. You listen carefully to the sounds in the apartment, not sure whether you’re hoping to hear someone else there or not. Regardless of what you were hoping for, the apartment is resoundingly empty, and something in your chest crumples a little at the emptiness echoing back at you. Eventually you drag yourself up from your pillows and into the kitchen to make coffee, wishing it were at least past noon so you could indulge in something a little stronger and more likely to make you feel better without feeling like the tragic second choice from a shitty romance novel. The coffee does help, though.

The hours in the day wear on, and Alex still doesn’t come back to the apartment. You make lunch and then don’t do much more than toy with it on your plate. You sit on the couch and turn the tv on but don’t watch it. The clock is ticking faintly in the background and you hate how acutely aware you are of the noise the second hand makes as it works its way around the face. It’s late afternoon when you hear the lock click and the door swing quietly open. The careful footsteps pause behind where you’re sitting on the couch and then move on after a moment, shuffling towards his bedroom. It’s agony, but you’re too proud to bring up the previous night if he isn’t going to do it first.

Afternoon slowly turns to evening and then to night. You’re exhausted but there’s something that’s a uniquely painful mix of adrenaline and indignant, self-righteous fury buzzing in your veins and you know sleep is a long way off, so you flick aimlessly through Netflix and try to find something to distract you. You hear Alex’s door open as he comes out to get himself some dinner, and again, he pauses behind where you’re sitting on the couch, resolutely ignoring his presence. He walks to the kitchen and then pauses again before turning around, walking back to stand behind you. The tension builds and builds between the two of you as he just watches you ignore him, and then he sighs heavily.

“Are we just not gonna talk about last night, then?” His voice is quiet but it sends a shiver down your spine and you still don’t turn around because you don’t know if you can manage looking at him right now.

“What’s there to talk about?” you ask steadily, as unconcerned as you can manage to make it sound. Alex sighs and you hear footsteps again as he makes his way round to the side of the couch, but you resolutely keep your gaze trained on the tv, though nothing is playing. “You had a nightmare, I calmed-tried to calm you down, you needed air so you left.”

You can see Alex’s hands clench into fists in your peripheral vision as he says “You know exactly what I mean. Don’t play dumb. It doesn’t suit you.” There’s a low note of anger in his voice and it’s enough to push you into motion, turning to look at him for the first time since last night. He looks like shit. There are circles under his eyes and it wouldn’t take much convincing to make you believe he hasn’t slept since he woke up at two am. His hair is a mess and his hands are shaking a little and his eyes are intense with an emotion you can’t quite name. “You kissed me.”

“You ran away from me,” you snap at him, your hands balling in the too long sleeves of your sweater as you glare at him furiously, trying to keep the tears pricking at the back of your eyes at bay. “I think that makes your feelings on the matter abundantly clear, thanks Alex. I don’t see what there is to talk about.”

“I didn’t run away,” he starts, but you cut him off, scoffing and swiping angrily at your eyes, having failed to keep the tears from falling.

“Sure fucking felt like running away to me,” you spit bitterly. “It’s okay. I get it. You don’t have feelings for me. It’s fine. I understand. I won’t try and get you taken off as my security or whatever, I’m not that kind of asshole, you won’t-”

“I don’t have feelings for you?” Alex’s gaze has the low intensity of someone losing their control over their emotions and it makes you freeze up, eyes locked on him. “You think that’s why-(Y/N), I have nothing but feelings for you. Shit, every fucking day for the past month has been like-I left because you are entirely too much for me to be able to think straight around you.” Your breath catches in your throat and you feel like your heart might pound out of your chest as he keeps going. “I left last night-yeah, it probably seemed like running away and yeah you’re right to be angry, just-” he takes a small, hesitant step towards you, one hand going to brace on the back of the couch as his eyes burn into yours. “Did you kiss me because you were trying to make me feel better, or was it something more because I have to know.”

It seems fucking miraculous that you manage to make your voice work at all, but somehow you manage to whisper “It was more. I kissed you because I have feelings for you, not-” you break off for a second, momentarily lost for words. “I fucking care about you, Alex. A lot.”

You’re both utterly still for a moment, just staring at one another, both deeply aware of the immense emotional volatility in the room. Then Alex takes an agonizingly slow step around the couch towards you. And then another. You swear you can hear the roaring of your heart as he sinks down onto the couch in front of you, tentatively reaching out to just barely brush his fingertips over the skin of your jaw. Your eyes reflexively slip shut as he hesitantly cradles your cheek in his hand, close enough for you to feel his breath on your face.

“Say it again,” he whispers hoarsely. “Please.”

Your hands are shaking and your eyes are still closed and your voice is scarcely audible as you breathe “I care about you.”

For one long, painful moment, he doesn’t react. And then, slowly and softly and so, so carefully, Alex leans forwards to press his lips to yours. It’s the barest brush of pressure but it sends a wave of relief and affection surging through you so strongly that if you weren’t sitting, it might have buckled your knees. His hand is still cupping your cheek, and you blindly reach one of your hands out to curl round his bicep, feeling his warmth and stability under your touch as he kisses you gently. It’s like flying and freefall and drowning all at once and you don’t think, just lose yourself in the feeling of his lips against yours. This is so monumentally different to the dry, quick kisses you’ve shared in front of friends, and worlds away from the momentary bliss of the night before. Kissing Alex now is something real and tangible and utterly addictive.

He pulls back a moment later, his forehead leaning against yours, his eyes closed and you’re pretty sure you’d be happy to stay in this moment forever. “I care about you,” he murmurs, a small smile tugging at his lips, and you give in to your impulse and just wrap yourself around him, shifting closer till you’re pressed up against him and your arms are around his shoulders as you bury your face against the crook of his neck, breathing him in. A second later he wraps his arms around your waist, one hand stroking idly up and down along your spine as he holds you close, the two of you content to just exist inside your little bubble of this perfect moment for as long as the rest of the world will let you.

“So, where does that put us?” you mumble against his skin, still not relinquishing your grip on him. You can feel him shrug languidly as his palm continues to rub slowly over your back.

“Wherever we want to be, I guess,” he says quietly. “I-what I feel for you is-it’s stronger than anything I’ve had before,” he continues almost reluctantly.

You nod, your face still tucked against the crook of his neck, and you can feel the tension drop from his shoulders as you murmur a soft “me too.”

“Maybe it’s-I dunno, maybe it’s love or whatever, or maybe it’s not. We might get married or this could blow up in a week, but whatever it is we have-it’s special. And I want to figure it out. Together,” Alex finishes, still stroking lightly along the curve of your back. You pull up from his neck to look at him properly, a small, utterly smitten smile tugging at your lips as you study his open, affectionate expression.

“I’d like that,” you whisper, and the answering smile he gives you is brilliant and dizzying and it feels like home.

[junker-town]

Panthers need to get swagger back after humbling season

Carolina’s Super Bowl hangover was a particularly rough one, but there are plenty of reasons to believe the team can rebound.

If 2015 was a wild party for the Carolina Panthers, then 2016 was the messy hangover. One year after riding Cam Newton’s MVP performance to a 15-1 record and Super Bowl appearance, the Panthers crashed and burned, finishing with a 6-10 record and dead last in the NFC South.

It was a harsh reality check for a team that once took the league by storm with its fun-loving, dabbing ways. Injuries and questionable offseason moves (such as taking Josh Norman off the franchise tag) exposed a flawed roster thin on depth. Newton in particular was banged up all year and couldn’t carry the team on his back like he did in previous years. The defense also didn’t play up to its usual standards and now has to adjust without coordinator Sean McDermott, who left to take a head coaching job in Buffalo.

Despite three straight division titles before last season, the team is facing more uncertainty than usual heading into Ron Rivera’s seventh year. With the Atlanta Falcons cemented as contenders, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers on the rise, and the New Orleans Saints always lurking as a threat, Carolina is at real risk of being the odd man out in the NFC South.

Cam Newton needs help, for real this time

At his best, Newton is one of the most uniquely talented quarterbacks in the NFL. His combination of size, strength, running ability, and arm power makes him hard to game plan for. In years past, the Panthers have been able to get away with less-than-stellar weapons and let Newton carry the offense by himself.

That might not be the case anymore. Last year, a makeshift offensive line betrayed Newton, who absorbed 36 sacks and once again played through a variety of injuries, missing one game with a concussion. Of course, Newton isn’t totally blameless for his poor season — he set a career low with a 52.9 completion percentage, threw just 19 touchdowns to 14 interceptions, averaged only 6.4 yards per attempt, and had a 75.8 QB Rating. He also wasn’t the running threat he usually is, rushing for a career-low 359 yards.

Now 28 years old, Newton has taken a lot of punishment over the years and sat out most of the offseason while recovering from shoulder surgery. While he should be healthy in plenty of time for the season, the Panthers need to make a serious effort protecting him and surrounding him with quality weapons, or else risk his body breaking down for good.

For his part, Newton seems to have learned some lessons from last year’s struggles.

"The thing I have to realize is my job is not necessarily to always be the playmaker," he said, via Panthers.com. "I have to give other people opportunities to make plays. That's the hardest thing about maturation, especially for me.”

Fortunately, the Panthers are finally taking real steps to upgrade the skill positions.

Offense is both younger and more versatile

The Panthers used the No. 8 overall pick on Christian McCaffrey, a do-everything running back who rewrote the record books at Stanford, setting the NCAA’s single-season record with 3,864 yards from scrimmage in 2015. He’s a perfect complement in the backfield to Jonathan Stewart, who turned 30 in March and hasn’t played a full 16-game season since 2011. McCaffrey also gives offensive coordinator Mike Shula a ton of playcalling options with his ability to play receiver and return kickoffs and punts.

In addition to McCaffrey, the Panthers added Curtis Samuel in the second round to give the receiver corps some much-needed speed, and potentially replace Ted Ginn Jr. as the primary deep threat. The current plan is for Samuel to play in the slot position, but he also has ball-carrying skills and, like, McCaffrey, could end up lining up all over the field to create defensive mismatches.

Carolina also returns reliable tight end Greg Olsen, fourth-year receiver Kelvin Benjamin, and Devin Funchess. Returning from a torn ACL that erased his 2015 season, Benjamin didn’t look quite like his rookie-year self, managing 63 catches for 941 yards and seven touchdowns with a poor 53.4 catch percentage. He also drew attention for his weight in the offseason, but those concerns should be mostly blown over if Benjamin shows up to training camp in shape. Now two years removed from the injury, Benjamin should be much closer to full health, which will only help Newton in the long run.

Funchess has been a disappointment as a 2015 second-rounder, but the converted tight end remains an impressive athlete and it’s possible he can flip the switch in his third season.

How much did the offensive line really improve?

Carolina’s line was gutted by injuries last year. Michael Oher lasted just three games before a career-threatening concussion, and center Ryan Kalil got shut down by a shoulder injury after eight games, forcing the team to shuffle around players to positions they weren’t familiar in. The result was a line that Pro Football Focus ranked 17th, noting that fill-in left tackle Mike Remmers “was simply out of his depth.”

Oher is still out with concussion symptoms, and it's looking increasingly unlikely he'll be a factor next season. To that end, the Panthers drafted second-round tackle Taylor Moton, who's expected to make an immediate contribution despite making the jump from Western Michigan to the pros.

"Taylor's not a redshirt guy," GM Dave Gettleman told the team's official website. "He's talented, he's big, he's strong, he's powerful, he's a good enough athlete to play right tackle, and he's smart enough to go inside."

The Panthers also addressed tackle with their biggest free agent addition of the offseason, signing Matt Kalil to a five-year deal with $31 million in guaranteed money. Kalil is currently penciled in to man the blind side, but it's questionable how much of an upgrade he really is. Kalil was a huge liability on the Minnesota Vikings' line in recent years and missed most of 2016 with hip surgery. It's a risky investment for a player who hasn't shown much since his 2012 rookie season.

Defense fell short of expectations

This wasn't quite the same stingy defense we're used to seeing from Rivera's Panthers teams, finishing 21st in yards allowed and 26th in points allowed. They were still strong in certain areas, racking up 47 sacks (second-most in the league) and ranking 10th in DVOA.

The front seven was largely as good as ever, even after defensive captain Luke Kuechly missed seven games with a scary concussion. Kawann Short delivered another excellent season and got the marquee contract he’s been seeking, signing a five-year, $80 million extension after briefly getting the franchise tag. Mario Addison also got a nice payday after putting up 9.5 sacks last year.

The Panthers even brought in longtime fan favorite Julius Peppers, back with the team that originally drafted him in 2002. The 37-year-old is an oldie but a goodie, recording 7.5 sacks with the Green Bay Packers last year. He’s no longer an every-snap guy, but Peppers can still play and it’s good to see him back in a Panthers uniform.

It's the secondary that was a big problem all year. Carolina placed the franchise tag on shutdown cornerback Josh Norman, only to rescind it after long-term contract talks went nowhere. Norman signed with Washington and his absence left a big hole in the secondary, one the Panthers attempted to fill by drafting James Bradberry in the second round and Daryl Worley in the third. Results were mixed, at best. Despite some bright moments, the unit as a whole was 29th in passing yards allowed and got routinely burned on big plays.

It seems that the team is counting on development from its young secondary players. The Panthers didn’t make many big offseason moves to upgrade this unit, aside from drafting cornerbac Corn Elder in the fifth round and signing veteran Captain Munnerlyn, making his return to Charlotte after three years with the Minnesota Vikings.

This defense has some promising young pieces, but also showed its age in a lot of areas. Besides Peppers, Charles Johnson is 30, Thomas Davis is 34, Kurt Coleman turns 30 in July, and Mike Adams is 36. While the Panthers are doing an admirable job turning over its defensive core, there is still some work to be done.

How far can this year’s team go?

There is a lot to like about this team, on paper. If Newton returns to form, McCaffrey brings life to the run game, and Kuechly manages to avoid concerning head injuries, the Panthers could easily bounce back and become contenders once again.

But those are all big ifs, and in an NFC South that’s become cutthroat in recent years, the Panthers don’t have any margin for error.

2016 was a letdown in many ways. The Panthers suffered bad luck, lost their mojo, and overall just looked like they wanted the season to be over around November. But as a proud, emotionally charged group of players, it’d be hard to bet against them getting their swagger back. The NFL is more fun when Cam Newton is having fun, so here’s hoping they can get back on the saddle, get better results in the win-loss column, and dab on fools once again.