#pyro soldier and engie join in for fun though

[spark-circuit]

struck by prophetic visions etc. you understand.

[evil8keta]

Mercs with a reader (PLATONIC)

who’s personality is kinda like invader zim? Not exactly like him, but just has that loud, crazy, demeanor?

HELL YEA! I LOVE CRAZY PPL

mercs with a loud and energetic reader

SCOUT

- i'm gonna be honest, scout was probably scared of you at first lol. he thought you're actually insane, but i think over time he would kinda grow a liking for you? so congratulations, you're now his prank buddy. actually, you're pretty much his buddy for any and all stupid shit that scout wants to do

SOLDIER

- oh he LOVES you!! i mean you're kinda like a mini version of him, so from the moment he saw you he pretends he's your dad or something. you two often yell at eachother and soldier is very proud of you and loves your enthusiasm, he thinks you're a fighter. this man does a lot of stupid and dangerous shit with you and hypes you up 24/7. you two are a powerful duo

PYRO

- now, pyro can be a bit immature, but i don't think the're the type to be very loud and eccentric like you. because of this pyro was also probably a bit scared of you at first (having pyro scared of someone is quite an accomplishment might i add). but over time pyro will most likely get used to you. i mean it's not like you're an evil threat or something you're just loud and off the walls lol. you two do get up to a lot of silly shenanigans together

HEAVY

- ughhh...so loud. heavy doesn't like very loud people, but he will tolerate you. eventually he kinda grows a soft spot for you, idk why. maybe he just likes weird crazy people like that (looks at medic). anyway, heavy actually really enjoys having you around despite your high energy. unfortunately for you, he can be a killjoy. he will often talk you out of new fun things that you wanna try if he finds them too dangerous. or he straight up just man handles you and throws you over his shoulder to make sure you dont do anything stupid. anyway he loves you, you're like a little chihuahua to him

DEMOMAN

- oh you two are very similar so i think you'll get along very well. i'm talking buddies in crime, constantly getting up to weird and crazy plans that may or may not result in a few broken limbs or mental trauma (not for you two, but for those watching you). you both literally share one braincell. also he kinda views you as his younger sibling

ENGINEER

- for someone as laidback as engie, he surprisingly doesn't mind people with high energy. he actually thinks you're pretty silly and enjoys watching you do crazy shit cause it's kind of charming to him?? he's just happy to see you have fun. the only thing that he's a bit scared of is letting you in his workshop... like yeah, he trusts you! just.. maybe not THAT much..

MEDIC

- omg he loooves your high energy. you guys can be unhinged together all the time, he definitely hypes you up. however, sometimes he needs his calm moments so he can focus on his work. don't take it personally but he might lock you out his lab so you don't disturb him. but other than that you can bet he pulls you into a lot of crazy shit, even sharing all his strange medical plans and findings with you

SPY

- TOO LOUD TOO LOUD! sorry buddy spy will avoid you like the plague. he does think you're fun to watch but only from a distance. he's got enough maniacs on the team already y'know? it's not that he dislikes you but whenever you try to engage with him he acts irritated and just tries to escape you. get his ass

SNIPER

- same with spy, too loud. you know sniper, he's a quiet guy who keeps to himself and overall prefers silence. he does think you're cool and funny though and even joins in on your crazy shenanigans from time to time. as long as you don't yell his ear off he will definitely like you

[inky-here]

tf2 mercs playing beat saber because i love the game

Scout: songs with less than 3.50 notes per second bore him, but he doesn't do that good with pattern changes, so he usually plays sped up songs on Hard, occasionally some Expert ones. he has crazy stamina and can play these fast songs until the headset's battery runs low. very competitive.

Soldier: he always puts his everything into every note, which is extremely tiring, so he usually plays Normal difficulty songs, one or two on Hard every once in a while. he finds it pretty fun, and when the others compete, he usually joins in. when he's tipsy, he'll sing along with the music.

Pyro: (let's pretend a headset can fit over their mask for a minute) they're just there for the vibes, and they love the funky colours and backgrounds of the maps. they don't even need to play the songs, Engie often downloads them modded maps that just focus on the surroundings and it's enough for them. they also enjoy watching others play.

Demo: he's dogshit at the game when he happens to be sobered up, and the drunker he is the better he gets, but the less energy he has for it. one evening he can beat three Expert+ levels in a row and pass out on the couch, other evening he'll play songs on Hard for the entire evening. he's down for a friendly competition.

Heavy: it's not his idea of fun, but he won't walk out when others play, he's content to just sit nearby and watch the casting from the headsets, he'll play a few levels on Normal just for the fun of joining in, but he won't play unless someone asks him to, nor will he play it on his own in his free time. not competitive at all.

Engie: he's crazy good at the game, pretty much the only person in base who can keep up with Scout's preferred song speeds and difficulties. he'll compete with him too, he's not hell-bent on winning but he's not gonna go easy on him. mostly plays Expert and Expert+.

Medic: Medic is the opposite of Scout - he does really well with different patterns, but has trouble keeping up if it's too fast. will SS rank most maps on Hard and slower maps on Expert. does try a slowed down Expert or Expert+ level every once in a while. not very competitive when it comes to this, but when others compete and he has the time for it, he'll join in, and he will laugh at whoever he happens to beat.

Sniper: Sniper is a very casual player, he plays songs on Hard difficulty with the occasional Normal or Expert. he's super stiff when playing, but when he has a drink or two he loosens up. he'll also join a friendly competition if it goes on, but he can't play for too long because the lights hurt his eyes.

Spy: Spy will say this is beneath him and not join the others when they're playing, but truth be told, he tried it once, got his fancy shirt sweaty, failed the level and hasn't wanted to try it again since. when others play, he might hover nearby and point out how goofy they look to the outside world though.

[jamisonwritestf2trash]

Tf2 beach day

TF2 Mercs At The Beach!

————————————————————

Thanks for the ask, Anon! I hope you like this, I love writing these guys in normal everyday situations. Buckle up for a long one!

————————————————————

Okay, so firstly, I can't tell whether it would be funny or deeply terrifying to see a group of nine grown men pull up at the beach. But for the sake of this it's going to be funny.

————————————————————

So one day, all these clowns pile into a van and drive down the road to the nearest beach. And once they get there, it's a mess. Much like when they went to the amusement park (haha old fic plug in >:D), everyone's running in different directions and doing different things.

Engie, Pyro, and Soldier are off finding a place in the sand to start building sandcastles.

Scout is the only one who's running to the water immediately.

Demo and Sniper are on their way to a silent and shady part of the beach to sleep for a bit.

Spy, Heavy, and Medic are setting up towels and umbrellas on the beach.

————————————————————

Even though everyone wants to do different things, Engie asks the others to come join them and do a sandcastle contest!

Demo is actually really good at building sandcastles and building something simple, decorated with some rocks.

Engie, of course, wins the contest. He manages to build a castle with a fully functional draw bridge, a moat, and even tiny little sand people.

Heavy doesn't follow the idea of making a sandcastle at all. He starts making sand food.

Medic comes in third place, which he may or may not be a little bitter about. But others are quick to remind him he made a sculpture of a bird and not a castle. He still thinks his was best.

Scout and Pyro ended up teaming with each other to build the biggest sandcastle out of everyone. It's very messy, and half of it is falling apart (Scouts half), but they both had fun building it and don't really care about the contest by the end.

Sniper acts like he doesn't care. He rolls his eyes and huffs something about this being stupid. Builds a really beautiful sandcastle with sea glass and sand dollars. Like insanely good. He gets second!

Spy doesn't care. He hates the feeling of wet sand and hates the idea of getting dirty and wet. Doesn't participate.

The soldier is making an American flag sculpture in the sand. The stars are made out of the prettiest rocks he could find. He uses drift wood for the red stripes and leaves the sand plain for the white stripes. It's beautiful!

————————————————————

It's time for these guys to go swimming!

Demo and Sniper are good swimmers but are insanely nervous about the currents and wildlife. So they tend to stay in clear and hip deep water.

Engie, Heavy, and Pyro stay near each other near the tide pools! Looking around at all the small animals, Pyro loves looking for hermit crabs. Engie gets so freaked out when he turns around for a minute and looks back to see Pyro with a starfish stuck to their mask. Heavy is also content with just looking at all the cute little creatures that are living in the water.

Medic, Soldier, Scout, and Spy are all in an insane cluster fuck right now. Medic is trying to lifeguard, Soldier can't swim and is drowning in about two inches of water, Scout pushed Spy into the water, and now Spy is trying to drown Scout. Medic finally just pulls all of them out of the water yelling various threats of their organs being removed and swapped with various other things being thrown out as he walks them back to the beach. They seemed to behave a lot better with each other after that.

————————————————————

Due to the swimming fiasco, the team decide to relax on the beach and do some other activities.

Demo, Heavy, and Pyro strike up a bonfire and start to tell stories to each other.

Medic is reading a book he brought and is watching over the others. He is eventually persuaded to play beach volleyball with the other.

After they convince Medic, Engie, Sniper, and Scout start playing a couple of rounds of volleyball. (Medic and Engie v Sniper and Scout) Medic and Engie sweep.

After Scout gets tired of losing, he finds Soldier and asks if he wants to play Frisbee, and they entertain themselves with that for an hour or two.

Spy ends up falling asleep on the beach away from the sight of others (or so he thought, he woke up buried in the sand an hour later, all thanks to Scout).

————————————————————

Eventually, everyone shows up at the bonfire that Demo, Heavy, and Pyro set up. Solider finds a public grill and starts grilling up hotdogs, hamburgers, and steaks. Medic is begging everyone to at least drink one water. Everyone starts talking about various things, and they all enjoy the last of the night until they all pile into the car and head home.

————————————————————

Can you tell I don't go to the beach much 😭

I hope you like this. It felt like this took me years to write, but it was worth it!

I'm praying this isn't ass. New fics are coming soon as I start getting fall themed ideas >:)

[rayclubs]

Mahlzeit,

ok since I´m a firm believer that every merc is a perfect combination of smart and stupid, I feel comfortable saying that everyone is wrong about engineer.

like no he isn´t the only one who would be capacle of realising the benefits of a union. he´s very much unable to see it because he definetely gets too tunnelvisioned as soon as his work is involved and everything not directly linked to his tasks is unnecessary.

Malzheit!

Okay, real, but do you want a TF2 political affiliations post? Because that's how you get a TF2 political affiliations post.

Scout:

The most susceptible to propaganda after maybe Soldier.

Cares about celebrities way too much and therefore is unable to recognize the utmost necessity of taxing the rich.

Probably believes in the American Dream or something.

Would not start a labor union but would join one because while dumb as a baseball, he at least understands that his ma worked really hard to support him and his gajillion brothers growing up, and that's kinda unfair and all that. Or something.

Soldier:

Can be convinced to do anything. Seems to have political affiliations, what with his anti-communist shtick, but really it's just whatever. If you sit him down and explain the actual communist ideas and how what he's actually against is dictatorship, he'll listen to you. Might take some time, but he will.

Would not start a union but would assassinate the president.

Pyro:

Mmmph?

I don't even know. Anarcho-transhumanism.

*lights self on fire and fights the cops*

Engie:

Okay I have THOUGHTS

He is a bit of a utilitarian, I think. What with him solving practical problems and all.

Graduated into the upper middle class and can't see past that because his mind is 99% the digits of Pi and all that.

Hasn't voted once in his life.

Probably actually has some misguided beliefs about labor exploitation due to being American. Like Pauling, has one vacation a year and leaves his phone on in case someone needs to reach him in an urgent work matter.

People bring up his hand as if it were the result of an OSHA violation, but like. No. He did that. He did done cut it off himself. It doesn't count.

Everything he builds is an OSHA violation.

Heavy:

Was a pioneer. You know, that Soviet thing? Kinda like an American boy scout, but with more propaganda. He got better though.

He'd be a bit wary of unions but I think he's educated enough to recognize the difference. It's just a subconscious bias, is all.

He wouldn't start a union because, while educated, he's not diplomatic. Much like Engineer "I'll break you in half" TF2, he's more used to killing the authorities than to legally opposing them.

Also his father was a revolutionary. And died for it. So yeah. Maybe he wouldn't be quite so eager to follow in his footsteps.

Demo:

I actually don't know much about labor unions in Scotland but I think Demo would be a union man.

Like. His father killed the queen for a nickel. I think the man knows enough about oppression and workers' rights to be angry about that.

Explode the rich.

"But Demo, you are rich!" - "Aye..." *killbinds*

Medic:

Already in a union.

Not politically aligned but LOVES shoplifting.

Sniper:

Individualism on main.

Would not start a union because he hasn't talked to a human being in seventeen years.

You ask him if he wants to start a union and he stares into the void for five minutes before quietly asking "...like ants?"

Can't sign up because he can't write. Why do you think he calls his parents instead of writing letters?

Actually scratch that. Can only write upside down.

Spy:

Supports whatever suits his interests.

A corporate until the labor union is strong enough, then switches sides and becomes an avid proletarian.

Also individualism on main and that's why he and Sniper get along.

Nothing like avoiding your best friend.

I don't even know. None of them would start a union actually. Medic would do it for fun. Demo would do it as a dare. Soldier would do it by accident.

[clevernameideaidk]

Fuck it, I’m rating the mercs by how good of a dnd player they are

Scout: 2/10, he shows up late and acts like the main character. He does his own thing and constantly forgets the rules. He brings snacks though.

Soldier: 3/10, he is the definition of lawful stupid and gets way to invested. He loves combat but is upset when he looses.

Pyro: 5/10, he is full of whimsy and joy. He would love the game, but tends to set too many places on fire.

Demo: 8/10, he is an experienced player. Gets into roleplay and is fun in combat. He arrives late and drunk though, so points off for that.

Heavy: 5/10, he doesn’t play, but will join if invited. Generally a good player if a bit quiet.

Engie: 7/10, likes playing but is more into the mechanics. He will try to do some ridiculous things by what the rules allow, so he’s fun but watch out.

Medic: 4/10, will go murderhobo and have a fun time doing so. Don’t invite him unless you want your npcs experimented on.

Sniper: 5/10, he doesn’t engage in roleplay but will join if necessary. A god at combat.

Spy: 6/10, would not play unless made to, but he would enjoy roleplaying. Not interested in combat at all

Pauling: 10/10 the dungeon master

[burgersnacksformax]

Tf2 hcs for taking care of a little

Notes:

might be a little ooc cause im p new to tf2

"Little" as in being age regressed, or age dreaming, or something along those lines :]

THIS IS STRICTLY SFW ! if ur into ddlg or smth similar, DNI with this post please !

Cw for alcohol mention

Scout

Not BAD but acts like the irresponsible yet supportive older sibling. He'd encourage you to break rules with him and share his junk food with you. But he'll make sure you dont get hurt, and he'll keep you safe. Probably wouldn't join you for activities like colouring or something, but you'd just body double. He'd also be happy to go out and play sports with you, like baseball or something. And if you dont play, he'll show you how, complimenting your shots and encouraging you to do your best.

Soldier

Honestly probably acts like a clumsy dad. He'd try and take care of you but you'd be giggling left and right at how silly he is. He's a mess in the kitchen so you'd have to supervise him when getting snacks. He'd want you to follow along with him on jogs and stuff, and he'd always have the energy to play sports or tag or something with you. Prepare to do your best, he won't go easy just because you're little, but he'll still make sure to compliment you for your hard work afterwards.

Pyro

Best friend ! Would draw with you and colour with you, watch all your favourite cartoons with you and even show you their favourites as well. They would play with toys with you too, and even play pretend ! They might not be taking care of you, but they're your beloved play buddy, and if you get in trouble then you get in trouble together.

Demoman

Probably would make a great caregiver. He'd be willing to try whatever silly thing you want to do, and would be really supportive for things you wanna try and things you've accomplished. If it bothers you, he'd try not to drink in front of you, but ngl you'd still probably smell a little alchohol. He likes looking after you but you would absolutely be able to convince him to let you sleep late just by acting cute. He probably wouldn't be able to cook much for you, but would cut up fruits for you and share them.

Heavy

Top 10 dads in your area. Homecooked meals just for you, he'd always listen intently to what you have to say, and make sure you're in good health and hygiene. He tries to show you that he cares for you through actions, making sure you're getting food and water and are entertained, he'd even tuck you into bed and read bedtime stories for you if you'd like. He also likes telling you about fun moments between him and the mercs, as well as other experiences he's had.

Engie

Cool big brother energy tbh. He'd involve you in his projects and tell you all about them, and say that you're the only one who gets to know about these trade secrets. He sometimes lets you put some parts together if he's making something, or let you put in the final piece. He's really sweet and encouraging as a caregiver, and he enjoys body doubling. But if you pull out a lego set, you both would be hunched over the manual and pieces trying to figure it out together (you usually end up making something that was completely unrelated to what was on the box, but it turns out really cool so it doesn't matter). He tends to pat you on the back after a job well done.

Sniper

Talks quite nonchalantly and goes with whatever you're doing. You can tell him a silly story abt idk the loch ness monster, and he'll nod along in understanding, commenting something like "an elusive bugger, aint she ?" Probably doesnt participate in whatever activities you're doing, but as long as youre not noisy he'd be fine looking after you. He's helpless at cooking though so can easily convince him to order McDonald's or something.

Medic

He lets you play and goof around with his birds as long as you're gentle, but apart from that he wouldn't really know what to do. Probably can't really talk about anything little-friendly, but will make sure you don't go and get yourself hurt. Unless you're fine with him treating you like a test subject, he would rather you spend time with Heavy since he'd do a better job taking care of you.

Spy

He'd be good at taking care of you - really good - but probably can't see things at your level. If you want him to cook something for you or carry you or something, he'd do it, even giving you smiles and chatting with you, but only if you initiate it. It's nothing personal, he's just not entirely sure how to talk to kids, but he's still willing to try.

[presidentbungus]

scout grew up in a restaurant household--his mom worked five shifts around town at every diner worthy of its cherry pie, and all of his brothers grew up to join her as dishwashers and frycooks, and even when it was around time for a lot of them to leave most of them didn't. he started violating child labor laws in front of greasy frybaskets when he was nine and didn't stop until he got himself in one too many fights and landed himself at mann co. he can't really construct much of that gourmet bullshit you see in the papers, but he can make a mean cheeseburger and home fries just from the cheapest shit he could find at the local supermarket, and that's all you need, right? it makes him feel kinda warm and fuzzy to watch the team fight over his hashbrowns and pancakes in the humid mornings before a big fight.

in all things soldier values grim efficiency above all else, no matter the cost, and that kind of extends to his cooking and eating habits. after all, nothing quite says the american dream like mostly-potable water, canned peas, and ground beef out of a military-ration tin, stewed over a campfire in somebody's helmet. his cooking's always edible, but it's simple and rarely particularly enjoyable. (that said, he's fond of making himself a plain baked potato alongside a warm medium-well steak, but that's only for very, very special occasions.)

pyro likes to cause fires on purpose, even if he sets out not to, so he's not really trusted around open flames. in a controlled space, like an oven, she reveals herself to be at least semi-competent with cupcakes and casseroles. a master at "just eyeballing it". like most things in life, they enjoy cookies the most when they're just a little singed at the edges.

demo specializes in cold, slimy fish, unidentifiable piles of gray slop, and pale, poorly-spiced imitations of curry. he's not british, he knows his way around a spice bottle, but the secret to this one is that his palette is just absolutely abhorrent and it's a bad idea to trust him in front of a pan with any sort of white meat. an experimental kind of guy in the worst situations possible. there's a lot you can do to fuck up a cheesecake, and he can tell you that from personal experience. in the rare occasion he's in the mood to follow a recipe, his technique is good and the product is passable, but it's a rare occasion for a reason.

heavy grew up cooking with his mother, and for his sisters, and knows how to make a little go a long way. he can turn a bag of potatoes and a pack of shitty beef into a stew that'll keep you full for weeks. it's not glamorous, but it doesn't need to be. the only person who ever really makes enough for everyone. finds peace in cooking; finds more peace in watching his friends tear into it like rabid dogs

engie knows enough to theoretically survive on his own--like, he can boil water, he can fry meat, he can follow the directions on the back of a box of instant biscuits, but his expertise ends about there (you know--his mama was a great cook, and he went to college at 12 and never got the chance to help with dinner before that). that said, he's resourceful with the limited amount of knowledge he has, and somehow has managed to dupe everyone into thinking he's a great cook, anyway. uses the fact that nobody on the team really knows what barbecue is to his advantage, and just turns a bottle of barbecue sauce over on a pile of premade smoked ribs at team gatherings, with some out-of-the-box mashed potatoes on the side, sprinkled with store-bought bacon bits. the team is none the wiser.

medic does cooking a lot like he does surgery--constantly, with no fucking idea what he's doing--though unlike surgery, he doesn't have some strange, lucky, innate talent for it. for him, making dinner is a long line of experiments, and most of the time, most of them fail. it's the journey, you know, not the destination, mostly because tipping a full spoon of nutmeg into your soup is more fun than actually eating it. the real abominations against god actually aren't the shambling cyborg-corpses moaning in eternal suffering in the basement, or the rats with human fingers instead of tails also moaning in eternal suffering in the basement; it's the greenish, oozing, possibly sentient dish of beef stroganoff he so valiantly attempted last Satuday. go figure.

sniper hunts her own food, by which i mean she spit-roasts lizards and desert mice over unnecessary campfires at every conceivable opportunity. she's actually pretty good at campfire cooking, and can make the most disgusting meal proposition you've ever heard look and taste at least okay, which is how everyone on the team has eaten at least one lizard, tree branch, or shoe in their lives. when unable or unwilling to cook outside (though the latter is notably rare), she knows her way around an oven enough to make herself shitty spaghetti and buttered noodles (and she'll crack an egg on just about everything to make herself feel like a better cook). she would probably microwave tinfoil.

despite branding himself as something of a foodie, extensive survival training has ensured that spy is capable of choking down just about anything and that really comes across in his cooking habits. spy fancies himself something of a gourmet chef; in practice, about all this means is he routinely orders a handful of disgusting-looking things online, arranges them into something that looks appropriately fancy (read: inedible to the "low-class palette", or in other words the average human), and then serve it and turn up his nose when everyone starts coughing and throwing up and complaining about holes being seared through the lining of their stomach. after all, it's not his fault that the noxious apes on this team don't understand high-class cuisine. (that said, when not putting on an obnoxious front, spy is good at fashioning meals out of very limited resources that will at the very least keep you alive. it'll still taste awful, but it'll taste marginally better than the base ingredients and it will keep you full. still would not recommend it.)

heavy, scout, (and then the quality plunges quite a lot from here), soldier, engie, pyro, sniper, (and it just gets worse), demo, spy, medic. best to worst, in my humble opinion. though I don't think I'd trust anyone under scout in front of a stove.

How would you rank the mercs on their cooking ability, from best to worst? Who’s the team chef and who will be shot on sight if they’re seen entering the kitchen?

Is someone who might seem terrible at cooking at first glance, actually inexplicably amazing?? The opposite??

[anonymous-astronaut]

The Mercs vs An Escape Room

Scout:

He starts out having a pretty good time, sort of tinkering around with puzzles and poking at things. But then the reality hits and he realizes he can’t understand any of this shit out for the life of him. Once he figures out that he’s hopeless, it’s all over. His level of calm goes from 0 to 100 real quick, and pretty soon he’s screaming “oh gawd we’re never gonna make it out of here alive” and shit. He loses all logical sense and just starts clawing at the walls and like a trapped cat while the others actually solve the puzzles. 3/10, someone give him a paper bag to breathe into

Soldier:

Doesn’t understand why no one will let him break the door down if they’re all so keen to “escape” the goddamn room. He thinks puzzles are for babies, but he also thinks they are far too complicated and confusing if anyone tries to explain them to him. When he isn’t allowed to break out by force, he tries to help find clues by pointing at things he notices. Everything he suggests is either completely unrelated or makes absolutely zero sense. 1/10, he is no help whatsoever

Pyro:

They think it’s really cool, and they love searching around for buttons to press or levers to pull. They definitely want there to be trapdoors or swiveling fireplaces rather than puzzles and clues, and are the most likely to be disappointed if it isn’t up to their high expectations. If it isn’t as fantastical as they hope, they will still have fun as long as one of the others asks them to join in on deciphering a mystery together. They love working as a team, and try to get everyone involved. 7/10

Engie:

Oh, this whole experience just brings out a youthfulness in him that the others don’t get to see very often. He is practically giddy over putting all the puzzle pieces together, this is exactly the kind of thing his brain loves to do. He knows not everyone understands stuff like this, but he wants them to have as good of a time as he is so he tries to explain his thinking process in a fun and involving way. 9/10, he’s like the dad on the field trip who’s having more fun than the kids

Heavy:

As much as he hates to admit it, he’s kind of with Soldier on this one. He can absolutely refrain from causing property damage, but… there are definitely easier ways to “escape” this room. Heavy just lets other people do the puzzles, but occasionally he will point out something if he sees a clue while watching from afar. If someone actively tries to get him engaged, he’s interested enough to take the bait, but otherwise he’ll more or less be an observer. 5/10

Demo:

He feels like he’s out of his league around the more scientific mercs, and he doesn’t have a lot of confidence when it comes to brainy stuff. He is way better at it than he gives himself credit for though, and ends up getting in his own way more than anything else. Demo acts as a sort of mediator, making sure no one breaks anything and trying to find ways to involve others who are also less confident. 8/10, definitely the kind of guy I’d want to go with

Medic:

He takes a very methodical approach, which isn’t exactly a bad thing but he kinda forgets that, in the end, it’s supposed to be fun. He isn’t super great a working with other people and he wants to figure it all out himself, so he can be kinda frustrating and stuck up. Plus, he gets all butthurt about it if he’s wrong about something. But as long as he doesn’t get too wrapped up in it, he doesn’t have a terrible time. 6/10

Sniper:

He is very hands-on, and he just starts pokin around at stuff. While everyone is arguing about what key leads where or whatever, Sniper is off yanking on books to check for hidden levers and trying to see if he can yank the picture frames off the walls. He doesn’t bother trying to puzzle anything out, he just grabs onto random stuff. There is absolutely no reason to this man, if he was in there alone he would literally never get out. 6/10, he isn’t helping but extra points because he’s fun to watch

Spy:

Ohohoh he is not passing up this opportunity to show off. This is something he is actually pretty good at, and he wants everyone to know about it. Sure he pretends to be bored and unbothered by it all, but his ego will be deeply wounded if someone else gets to an answer before he does. He’s stuck in a weird spot of not wanting to come across as too interested, but also desperate to figure it all out first and have people to pay attention to him. He is so annoying the whole time, and the worst part is he keeps being right about stuff so the others can’t just ignore him. 7/10, he’s good at it and that makes me angry

[flamethemedicmain]

The Mercs in the pool!

It's really hot down here guys

Scout:

An excuse to show off his awesome giant sexy muscles? He'll take it. Can barely swim, so he'll lay on the side of the pool and pretend he's being cool. If there's a water fight he will happily jump in though.

Soldier:

American flag swim shorts and the largest cannonballs you've ever seen. Surprisingly stealthy underwater too, will sneak up on you and yell in your ear or push your head under.

Pyro:

Not a fan of being in water. They'll lounge on a Balloonicorn floatie sitting outside of the pool to join in, or splash their legs around in the shallow end. Enjoys being splashed.

Demo:

Has always been a fan of water. Can keep his eye open underwater, and is a real graceful swimmer. Wins all the breath holding competitions.

Heavy:

Never learnt to swim, but he isn't too upset. He prefers watching over the others anyway. They are his little ducklings.

Engie:

On life guard duty, which is actually just stopping them from drowning each other duty. Has the gunslinger in a protective waterproof bag, but it is still effective at wrangling the others.

Medic:

Tells you fun facts about the different diseases that can spread in pools while seeing how long he can hold Soldier's head underwater before he falls unconscious. Can't see very well without his glasses, everything's just blobs, but that never stops scientific progress!

Sniper:

Big fan of watersports, and is pretty natural in the water. Some odd New Zealand genes I'd imagine. Floats with his eyes just above the waterline like a croc.

Spy:

No way he's going near that pit with his expensive suit. Hates getting wet and will murder anyone who splashes him, much like a cat.

[meettheprivate]

How the Mercs Handle Power Outages [TF2 x SO]

Because my buddy in Texas won’t stop gripping to me about their current situation, and I’ve been having power outages nonstop up here in Canada too.

Scout: He doesn’t care how late it is, or how pitch black it is outside, he’ll suggest playing some catch. When no one agrees to play with him, including his S/O, he turns to the evil idea of trying to scare his teammates and you are his partner in crime! The mercs aren’t scared, just annoyed. But at least you get to cuddle with Scout after to make him feel better?

Soldier: Well, this is the perfect time to train your eyes into night vision mode! Soldier will take you throughout the base and test your skills of not knocking into things. Soldier likely will be the first to hurt himself, but at least you can help take care of him in the med bay with his bleeding forehead.

Pyro: Pffft. It’s the perfect excuse for a campfire – but not in the base!! Pyro doesn’t understand why a campfire can’t happen in the dining space, even after Engineer explains it to him fairly cohesively. You guide Pyro outside to the crisp night air (or snowy) and find the perfect place to host a campfire. Roasting marshmallows/empty cans. Pyro doesn’t eat any of it though, so let him have his fun with his cans.

Demoman: Any excuse to drink is a good one. Demo will toss you a bottle of scrumpy and you two will just wine. No dine because the powers out sorry. After a few you’ll both be cuddly piles of mush in each other’s arms. So nothing really changed for Demo when the powers out.

Heavy: Find a candle or flashlight, crack open your favourite book, and get ready for some one-on-one reading time with your big bear. No sense letting this beautiful atmosphere go to waste. You two will be under the covers as he reads to you in Russian, or you read to him in your native tongue.

Engineer: Unfortunately, someone needs to check on the breaker and fuse box to make sure nothing gets fried – but as his S/O you accompany Engie down to the basement to see how things are looking. You get to hold the flashlight as he inspects the situation. After acknowledging that there is nothing you can do but wait, he decides to be cheeky and thank you for your help by yanking the flashlight and having you chase him for it. Safely away from the fuse box, of course. Once you both make it back upstairs it’s time for some guitar in the dark.

Medic: With it being so dark, the chances of someone hurting themselves is surprisingly high, especially Soldier, so Medic needs to be prepared to stop what he is doing at any point to heal his team. While waiting for the enviable though, you and Medic will spend some time just chatting about life. He will talk about all his latest discoveries, and you’ll find it so cute when he lights up while taking about some criminals over-sized liver.

Sniper: If it is snowing, he’ll stay isolated in his van and demand you join him for a nap and cuddles. If it’s not snowing, he will take you on top of the camper van to stargaze. Sure, you can do this with the power on, but there’s something magical about doing it when there’s limited things to do otherwise.

Spy: You two will lounge in his smoking room, drinking some top-notch wine under candlelight. Might as well make it a romantic night, non? Perhaps if you’re good, he’ll teach you some French words with his tongue.

[angelwheat]

TF2

★·.·´¯`·.·★ X ★·.·´¯`·.·★

Mercs and their S/O, Down Time

What are their favourite things to do with their s/o in their down time?

★·.·´¯`·.·★ X ★·.·´¯`·.·★

Scout

He often ask you to play baseball with him, if it’s not raining. You’ll see him light up if you agree to play with him.

Before he grew closer to you, Scout would draw a lot, or read his comics. If he’s willing to, he will read some of his comics to you.

He might suggest going out for a walk, depending what mood he’s in.

Soldier

This man will not rest, though that was before he met you.

He suggests you train with him, which can be quite fun.

Maybe Soldier will watch TV with you on ceasefire days, though very rarely. You might just have to drag him from the training room.

Pyro

He likes to draw or colour in one of his books, and he always asks you to join him.

Pyro tends to burn things a lot, so heading outside with him to throw things into an open fire isn’t uncommon.

Cloud-gazing happens often. Pyro will even bring along some bubbles too.

Demoman

His idea of down-time is to get drunk more so than usual. He asks you if you’d like to have a drink with him, but won’t push it if you decline the offer.

He will cuddle with you a lot. There’s no escaping him when he’s got you in his arms.

Lots of sleeping together. Nothing sexual though.

Heavy

He will ask if you would like to read with him. If not, Heavy will gladly read to you.

He suggests cooking. Whether it be cooking dinner for the entire team or just something simple.

He plays with your hair a lot. He knows how to do simple styles, as he used to style his sisters hair back in Russia.

Engineer

He rarely rests. You’ll need to coax him out of his workshop.

Engie is another that likes to cook. He will ask you if you’d like to help him prepare a meal.

He plays his guitar in his free time. He will play you a song, or if you play an instrument yourself, he will ask if you’d like to duet with him.

Medic

He is another that will coop himself up in the lab, but he will let you accompany him, and will allow you to play with his doves.

Medic likes to play his violin, and just like Engie, he will either offer to play for you, or if you play an instrument yourself, will ask to duet with him.

He claims he is a busy man. He doesn’t like to take breaks from his experiments.

Sniper

He likes to go out for a drive. No destination needed. Just driving and watching things go by. He always asks you to go with him.

Late at night he likes to stargaze with you on the roof of his camper.

Or if it’s to cold to sit atop the van, Sniper will cuddle you while lying in his rather cramped living space.

Spy

He loves having you join him in his smoking room, simply reading together.

Dancing together, usually after a few glasses of wine.

He loves walking through the town with you, and he will most likely treat you to something you want.

[jamisonwritestf2trash]

Salutations! Yesterday, I had the fortune to enjoy the rain for a while and jump into some puddles, it was fun hoohoo. When I went home, I realized that it could be a good writing prompt for my mutual —you!—, so...

What would the mercs do if they saw a puddle of water?

TF2 Mercs Reactions To Finding A Puddle After It Rains!

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THIS IS SO CUTE!

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I'm glad you enjoyed the rain and the puddles! Also, the fact that people do things and then think of me is just so ugh I love it 😭

Mutual appreciation comment! Love you and your posts. I also love the fact that we both love the same silly old German man 💖

Also I'm totally not putting off my actual work I should be doing to do multiple headcanon lists. Nope, not me. (Also also this is a great alternative to crying over the fact that I lost my keys for a second time)!

BUT ENOUGH VENTING LETS GET TO THIS PROMT!

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Demo- I'd like to think he'd be down for splashing around and having a good time, but this is Demo we're talking about so.... he definitely slipped, cracked his head, and passed out. Once he wakes up though he tries again and has a good time.

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Engie- Not really a fan of jumping in puddles, more of a fan of watching the water ripple and move when you walk through them. If no ones around he might even find a couple of rocks and drop them to see what the water does.

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Heavy- Unless the puddle is like really big, I don't really see him jumping in one. HOWEVER. Likes the noises that water makes when you walk through it. He thinks the small splashing noises are cute!

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Medic- I know he's an old man. I know this, I understand this, I've accepted this. Doesn't change the fact that he is, in fact, a little German boy who has, on more than one occasion, said "Yippee!' upon seeing something he was really excited about. This man would jump in a puddle no hesitation, and he'd have fun too, sure he'd look insane to any rational passerby, but he doesn't care. What do you expect from a man this silly? ALSO, if Archimedes is with him, he'll also splash in the puddle for fun, Silly man has a silly bird, who would have guessed?

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Scout- "Why would I jump in a puddle, only like little kids and babies do that." The second no one else is around this man is splashing around in a puddle. He's hyper aware of what's going on around him though, lest he be caught having fun. Because having fun is super lame and embarrassing right guys?

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Sniper- Another case of pretending they don't want to do that but would actually have fun if they did. He's not really used to doing "childish." things as an adult. But maybe if he saw another merc doing it, he could be persuaded to join in.

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Spy- He wouldn't. He just wouldn't. He's the kind of dude who would lay something down to walk over a puddle. He physically cringes if he has to step in a puddle. He's just a baby about it.

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Soldier- HE'D HAVE SO MUCH FUN! The only merc who could possibly have more fun is Pyro, but we'll get to them in a minute. Will jump in a puddle, no hesitation. Splashes around and has a good time, and he genuinely enjoys the little things in life!

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Pyro- Has the most fun out of everyone! He loves it when it rains, ironically enough. They definitely have paper boats they put in the puddles and little rubber ducks in the deeper ones. Will stay outside for hours after it rains. They love it so much, they get so happy. They even have white polkadot rainboots.

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Ahhhh! This was so fun. Thank you for requesting this. I hope you like it 💖

[tf2-hellhole]

Do you have any Parent!Merc headcanons? (Honestly, all of your content clears my skin and waters my crops)

Awww I’m glad you like my blog!! I kinda based this off of my merc retirement headcanons btw

Scout:

When his first kid is born/adopted, he’s really nervous. He doesn’t know if he can be a good parent for his kid, and the idea of letting his child down the way his father let him down terrifies him. It takes a lot of comforting from his S/O to make that anxiety go away.

Whenever the baby cries in the middle of the night, he always gets up to go to them, every time. He’ll fix whatever is upsetting and will just sit with them until they go back to sleep, silently and lovingly watching over them before going back to cuddle his S/O if they woke up too.

He’s the friend-dad type. The kinda guy who runs around the house playing tag with his kids and eventually breaks something by bumping into a table.

He will absolutely teach every single one of his kids to play baseball. They have broken seven windows while practicing, some of them the neighbors’ windows.

He will show up to PTA meetings, and he WILL throw tons of shade at the asshole soccer mom

Soldier:

Soldier is so unbelievably excited when the child is brought home. Finally, he’s a dad!

Will unironically tell his baby to stop being lazy and to get up and help around the house.

He’s a little strict but he’s actually an excellent parent. His S/O was actually a little worried about how he would be with the kids but he spends a lot of time with them and they have a great relationship

He’s that parent who shows up to every band concert/sports game/whatever and screams encouragement from the crowd. He has been kicked out of several events.

He’s always encouraging his children to put in lots of effort and work towards achieving their dreams. He’d like his kids to join the military, but he surprisingly doesn’t complain if they don’t

Pyro:

Pyro is excellent with babies and children, though they can’t care for them. Like, he can play with and entertain a baby and is very careful with one, but he doesn’t know how to properly feed, bathe, or clothe it. That part of raising the child is more up to their S/O.

Somehow, they can get the baby to go to sleep very easily

They’re always wanting to go on fun adventures with their S/O and kids on the weekends. They all travel all over and it’s really fun.

Annual Disneyland trips are mandatory

Overall, Pyro is the fun parent and they have an excellent relationship with their kids. But the dynamic is more like the S/O raising a few normal kids and one larger kid that has a job.

Has a very cute nickname for each kid, each one related to some kind of candy or small animal. Only their S/O and kids know about it, since they always wear their mask in public.

Demo:

Demo absolutely panics when he learns that his S/O is pregnant/wants to adopt. He wants kids but he’s really convinced that he can’t raise a child, and he’s scared that his S/O will leave him over this. He literally has a panic attack and needs to be comforted by his S/O.

His S/O acknowledges that he’s not perfect, but they know that if he really wants kids, he can put in the effort to change for the better. With their encouragement, he goes into rehab and after several attempts he manages to quit drinking.

But this also results in Demo’s family distancing him more over the fact that he knows what his parent’s methods of raising him did to him and doesn’t want that for his kid. After this, the only person who will still talk to him is his mother, but he couldn’t care less.

He’s a surprisingly responsible father, but he’s still very playful with his S/O and children.

He’s very physically affectionate. He always gives his little children lots of cuddles and tickles and playful kisses to make them laugh. Once they’re grown, he always hugs his daughter(s) when he sees them and gives his son(s) the handshake-bro-hug because he’s the cool dad

Heavy:

While his S/O are trying to find children to adopt, he falls for all the kids who have been through the most. He wants to give them the future they’ve been denied by the circumstances of their life. He will demand to adopt any Russian immigrant children if they find any

He hates how he intimidates the children with his size when they’re first brought home. There are a few nights he can’t sleep because of how horrible he feels about it, and even fewer where he has to be comforted by his S/O the whole night.

He finally gets his children to trust him with reading. If they’re little kids, he’ll read to them all the time. If they’re older, he’ll buy them books of their favorite genre and will probably try reading it himself so he can discuss it with them. It totally works.

He’s a very, very good listener. His kids will often go to him for advice, even once they’re adults. He’ll listen attentively and he won’t say a word until they’re finished speaking, then he’ll give his thoughts. It’s almost like therapy.

Engie:

Engie is a family man, through and through. He’s always dreamed of having a family and he’s so excited that he’s finally made it!

He’s always giving his kids tons of encouragement, and he is always reminding them of the value of hard work and lots of effort.

Once his kids are old enough, he has them help him around his ranch and teaches them to ride horses.

He loves to take his family to all sorts of fun places on weekends and vacations. His personal favorite place to take them is the rodeo, of course.

He barbecues and grills stuff all the time. It’s one of his favorite things to do, and will definitely teach his kids how to do it. His kids are always excited for the weekend because that’s usually when he has the time to grill, and some of his kids will pout if he doesn’t have the time to do it.

He loves telling people about his kids. He’s so proud of all of their accomplishments and loves them all dearly.

Medic:

He’s actually kind of distant from his child for the first few years of having them in his life. It causes some tension between him and his S/O. But after a while, he sees that this is what his parents were like to him. He remembered how little they cared for him, and how much that hurt him. So he makes an effort to bond with his child, and over a long while they eventually become very close.

His child will absolutely also have an interest in the human body, and will often join their father in the lab, even if Medic’s S/O thinks it’s not safe for them. Most of their bonding is over their shared interest

He lowkey spoils his kid, but he’s very good about not taking it so far that they become a brat. He doesn’t want his kid to be like he was when he was young.

He loves traveling with his family, and he’ll take them all over the globe. He encourages his child to learn a language other than German and his S/O’s language and to study in another country for a while. He absolutely wants them to get a higher education. He doesn’t understand if his child chooses not to, but he still supports them.

Sniper:

He misses his S/O and kid(s) so much when he’s out working for several days, but he has to get money to support them. He has a bunch of pictures he keeps in his camper for when he misses them or feels lonely.

When he calls to see how his family is doing, he always has to talk to his kid(s) and ask them how their day was, and how school was.

He loves to take his kid(s) out into the wild and teach them about plants and animals and all sorts of things about nature. By the time they’re 18 they’re practically an expert on the ecosystem of where they live.

He definitely teaches his kid(s) to use a bow or gun once they’re older, even if his S/O tells him it’s unsafe. It’ll be he and the child’s little secret.

He’s a surprisingly playful and affectionate parent, and is always getting up to all sorts of shenanigans with them.

He has a bunch of silly nicknames for them, most of them animal names. He probably started jokingly calling his S/O his ‘roo and his kid(s) his joey(s), but it eventually sticks.

Spy:

Like Medic, he’s a little cold to the child for the first few months after they’re adopted, but he sees how much this hurts and worries his S/O, so that’s when he starts making an effort to bond with them. It’s pretty awkward at first but he eventually becomes close with them. He does this by taking the child wherever they’d like to go and basically getting them whatever they want.

Spy sometimes cries quietly during the night with his partner there to comfort him. He never thought he’d have a family of his own, and he doesn’t know what he did to deserve his S/O or his child.

He will absolutely make sure his child knows how to defend themselves. He’s still paranoid that his enemies will find his family someday despite how good he is about keeping his connection to them secret, so he teaches them to fight with no weapons and with some small melee weapons.

If his child is homeschooled, (they probably will be) he teaches as many lessons as he can. He’s kind of an asshole teacher at first but after receiving some pointers from his S/O, he becomes a very patient and gentle teacher.

[supercasey]

TF2 RED Headcanons by an idiot that can’t pay attention well enough to read the comics

Back on my bullshit, because I apparently can’t shut up tonight. This is gonna be a big, possibly in-cohesive mess, and will probably have more focus on Scout, Pyro, Sniper, and Spy since they’re my favs, but I still felt like writing down all my dumb headcanons/ideas regarding everyone’s favorite mercenaries (at the moment at least; I might make another post like this later on, hopefully after I’ve read the comics)! Sorry if any of these seem OOC, I’m just goofin’! (Putting this under a readmore because WOW this got LONG)

Every Sunday afternoon, Scout, Pyro, and eventually Sniper when he tells everyone that he's a trans guy, hold a makeshift “Trans Buddy Club” meeting, which mostly consists of Scout mindlessly rambling about drama on base, Pyro nodding along, and Sniper occasionally adding his two cents/spilling tea as well.

Scout can speak fluent French, on account of his mom making sure to teach it to him so he could have more of a connection to his dad, but no one found out until a little after Spy told Scout he was his dad. It wasn’t long after this that Scout revealed that this entire time, he’s known every single thing that Spy's ever said to him in French, but he didn't say anything because he thought it would be funny to keep the ruse going (also because he really liked being praised in secret). Cue Spy freaking tf out because oh no, now his kid knows that he's secretly a huge softie for not only his son, but his whole team.

Sometimes Spy and Scout talk shit in French right there in front of the team, but no one has any fucking idea what they’re saying and to be honest it’s pissing Soldier off the most, much to the father and son duo’s amusement.

Pyro secretly has a little black rabbit named Lucifer (Lucy for short) in their bedroom, which they only take out to get some fresh air and hop around very early in the morning, before anyone else is awake. The only people who know are Medic, Spy, and surprisingly enough Soldier, whose raccoons became friends with Lucy.

Sniper has a goldfish in his RV, but it died three months after he joined the team; he has no idea though because Miss Pauling replaces it every time one passes away, so now Sniper is convinced he has the world’s oldest goldfish.

Scout and Soldier both really want a dog, but they're not allowed to have one on-base. :(

((Heavy plans on sneaking a dog in next Christmas and no one can stop him. It’s gonna be a Border Collie named Bandit, and it gets the most attached to Scout and Heavy.))

Demo is no longer allowed to make mixed drinks for parties; the last time he did, he got everyone so shitfaced that they had to cancel work for three days in a row in order to recover from it.

Continuing off of that: drunk headcanons.

Demoman: Unassuming drunk. Acts like he usually does, unless he’s gotten particularly shitfaced for a party/event, in which case he’ll be slurring so bad that no one can understand him anymore.

Pyro: Giggly drunk. Is just laughing the whole fucking night at nothing in particular, which scares anyone who’s still sober. If they’re too far gone, they’ll start mumbling something that sounds like it’s in Spanish.

Spy: Party drunk. An absolute fucking mess, he’s trying to impress everyone and keep their attention on him, which usually leads to him standing on tables and dancing until he falls and passes out.

Sniper: Sleepy drunk. Out like a fucking light at the slighest bit of alcohol. If he wakes up and keeps drinking though, he’ll just be slurring like Demo, only with a lot more anger in his voice. Let him sleep, or he’ll fucking stab you to death.

Scout: Clumsy drunk. Bumps into anything and everything; eventually has to be given a sippy cup for his alcohol because he dropped three glasses in a row. Talks even faster than usual, until he accidentally fucking pukes on someone.

Soldier: Calm drunk. Instead of getting loud and aggressive like most would think/fear, he’s just… chillin'. Just watches the shitshow as it happens, not even laughing when people get hurt/fall down. Kinda terrifying if we’re being honest here.

Engineer: Depressed drunk. His depression goes through the roof if he has too much, so he doesn't drink more than a few beers if he can help it. If he does accidentally drink too much, he'll be sobbing his eyes out in no time flat.

Heavy: Cuddly drunk. It’s very, very hard to get him drunk, since he’s really good at holding his liquor, but if you do, he’s gonna be hugging and carrying everyone he can get his hands on; you can expect him to have Medic and/or Pyro on his lap once he’s drunk enough.

Medic: Angry drunk. He wants to start fights with fucking everyone, all his rage coming out once he’s had a few too many; god help anyone who tries to stop him. Luckily for all involved, Heavy is more than capable of holding him still until he tires himself out.

BONUS Miss Pauling: Dumbass drunk. With too many bottles in her, she’s gonna be the one shouting and encouraging Spy to act reckless, while also encouraging Engie to drink more because quitting is for losers. Will pass out within an hour or so of downing her first drink.

BONUS The Administrator: Stereotypical drunk. Slurring, stumbling, she’s got the whole nine yards, but she’ll be damned before she let’s anyone see her that messed up. Secretly sips wine at work.

Okay, back to my rambling.

My personal headcanon names and ages for Scout’s older brothers, going from oldest to youngest: Grant 34, Timothy 32, Jacob 31, Arthur 31, Patrick 30, Malcolm 27, Curtis 26, and Jeremy (Scout) 23.

((Also, I’mma go off on my headcanon personalities for them, which are based off of how I’ve tried portraying them in my "Jeremy" fic.))

Grant - 34 years old - Bisexual - Occupation: Veteran/Construction worker - Personality: the oldest of the bunch, he takes it upon himself to keep his little brothers in line/help Ma out as much as he can. Enlisted in the Air Force after he graduated high school, and still takes a lot of pride in his veteran status after serving overseas three separate times. The family peacemaker.

Timothy - 32 years old - Homosexual - Occuptaion: Cartoonist - Personality: the gentlest of his brothers, he often gets roped into helping Grant keep the pack from running too wild. Bit of a softie; loves his husband and loves his job. Closest relationship is with Scout. Doesn’t approve of Scout being a merc but is too scared to say so. The family heart.

Jacob - 31 years old - Heterosexual - Occupation: Freelance guitarist - Personality: the firstborn of the only set of twins, Jacob is a lot more abrasive and instigating than his twin brother. Can’t grow a beard for shit, which pisses him off. Doesn’t get along well with Timmy, despite them both being talented and devoted artists. The family sword.

Arthur - 31 years old - Pansexual - Occupation: Carpenter - Personality: the second born of the only set of twins, Arthur is far more outgoing and nonchalant than his twin brother. Has a beard and loves it more than life. Secretly has a boyfriend, but is too nervous to come out. Gets along better with Jacob after they’ve become adults. The family shield.

Patrick - 30 years old - Heterosexual - Occupation: Hairdresser - Personality: probably the least social of all of the brothers, he prefers staying out of sight and out of mind tbh. Used to practice cutting everyone’s hair when they were kids. Doesn’t talk to his brothers that much, mostly due to being busy/forgetting to call more. The family shadow.

Malcolm - 27 years old - Heteromantic Asexual - Occupation: Wrestler - Personality: the most aggressive and physically competitive of his brothers, there’s nothing he won’t do to win a fight, save for using weapons/lethal force. Hard to get along with, but he still loves his brothers to bits, and was overprotective of Scout when they were younger. The family instigator.

Curtis - 26 years old - Heterosexual - Occupation: Bartender - Personality: was a total fucking mama’s boy growing up, and constantly got in trouble with his brothers for tattling on them. Still argues with Scout every time they see each other. Wants to make Ma proud, but it’s hard for him to keep a job for very long. The family drifter.

Jeremy - 23 years old - Transmale Pansexual - Occupation: Mercenary - Personality: (This is mostly for how he was as a kid) was constantly following his brothers around (especially Malcolm) in hopes of getting in on the fun. Was always treated as the family baby, so everyone was a bit scared to wrestle/fight with him for fear of getting him hurt. Very close to Timmy and Ma. The family runt.

No one on RED team can fucking drive well, save for MAYBE Sniper, but even he hates doing it. Spy gets so goddamn mad within two seconds of driving, Pyro can't stop swerving, Scout drives like a 16 year old who hasn't realized their own mortality yet, Medic jumps at every little inconsistency on the road, Heavy shouts at other drivers for being too slow/fast, Demo's depth perception is shit, Engie drives like a 90 year old grandmother, and Soldier is fine except he will literally shoot at other drivers for tailgating him/cutting him off.

The whole team has designated “Team Bonding Days” thanks to Miss Pauling, which involves playing board games, card games, and video games (in a slightly more modernized AU) together… this, of course, goes badly sometimes. The worst incident they ever had was a bad game of Monopoly that almost ended Heavy and Medic's friendship.

Uno is forever banned from Team Bonding Days. No explanation is needed.

Off the battlefield and in the base, Miss Pauling had the team set up a chore wheel, which is only occasionally followed. Engie is the most dedicated to following it, while Demo and Sniper try everything in their power to avoid cleaning the base.

Spy sometimes disguises himself as other teammates in order to get out of doing his chores, which has led to a lot of shouting matches that ended in Spy being forced to admit it was his fault.

Spy's favorite teammates to disguise himself as are Engie and Scout. He likes being Engie because he gets to be more affectionate with people without being found out, and he can act as Scout incredibly easily due to knowing him so well (tbh he's so good at masquerading as Scout that it's scary).

For Halloween, everyone put their names in Soldier's hat, then proceeded to pull out other teammates’ names to dress up as for their Halloween party. I dunno exactly who would be who, except that Scout traded around to get Spy, steals one of Spy's suits, and just goes around the party bonking people with a plastic baguette he bought online and speaking in a purposefully bad accent.

Spy: Mon fils, you can speak perfect French and you fucking know it. Please stop making a fool of ton père.

Scout: Hohoho, wee wee, I am a fucking frog that gets pegged by baguettes, hoho!

((Spy is this fucking close to committing filicide.))

Everyone can actually cook pretty well, but only very specific things for each merc: Demo can mix and blend drinks (not just alcoholic ones) like it's nothing, Pyro and Heavy like baking, Medic can barbecue anything, Scout knows how to make a lot of shit from scratch (thanks, Ma), Spy and Engie can grill like the true dads they are, Soldier will deep fry every piece of food he eats, and Sniper makes the best soups and stews imaginable.

In order of least to most messy bedrooms: Spy, Heavy, Engie, Sniper, Pyro, Demoman, Medic, Scout, and Soldier. You'd think Scout's would be the worst, but Soldier's room looks like a literal fucking war-zone.

Even when they're not working but get injured in some way (namely from shenanigans/horseplay), people will straight up kill themselves in order to respawn without the injury. The pettiest thing anyone ever respawned off-duty for was Medic suiciding over a tiny ass paper cut.

Demoman is scarily competent at the weirdest of times. For instance, Engie was once trying to figure out how to fix an issue on one of his turrets, only for Demo to stumble over, completely shitfaced, and point out the problem as well as the solution, before passing out under Engie's worktable. Demo doesn't remember this at all.

The first time Engie swore in front of the team in excess (due to dropping a hammer on his foot while he was tinkering), everyone was absolutely horrified because they had only ever heard him say “fiddlesticks” and the like.

Medic's room may not be the messiest, but goddamn is his office a fucking bomb waiting to go off 90% of the time. No one but Medic can find anything in the mess, which is just fine by him.

Heavy likes to sing (mostly just to Sasha) when he's cleaning her in the locker room. The others try to be within hearing range when he does this, because holy fuck, Heavy is a very good singer! He mostly just sings soft songs/lullabies, so his singing is sometimes used by the team insomniacs to help them get some much needed rest.

Okay, another group one. The mercs during shopping trips together:

Demoman: Sneaks a shit ton of alcohol into the cart when no one's looking. Starts complaining if he has to be at the store for too long; will try and sneak away to go home at least once during the trip. Accidentally bumps into a display case and makes a huge fucking mess.

Pyro: Sits obediently in the cart the whole time, occasionally nabbing candy and stuffed animals off of nearby shelves. Will puppy-dog eyes their way into getting everything they grabbed, no matter how much it is.

Spy: Somehow managed to steal an employee uniform and he pretends to work at the store the whole trip; the other mercs keep accidentally falling for it and asking for his help. This all goes to shit when a Karen starts shouting at him over something he didn't do, and he straight up slaps her.

Sniper: King of forgetting wtf was on the list and just grabs shit on the grounds of “Doc said we needed milk, right?” and other such excuses. Knows where everything is despite never having come here before.

Scout: “Gimme the list, I can get everythin' in, like, ten minutes!” Wants to speedrun grocery shopping due to years of shopping with his mom and brothers. Will run loose if left unsupervised and accidentally bust ass on some spilled milk.

Soldier: The one who spilled the milk that Scout busts his ass on. Insists he knows where he's going, but doesn't. Gets into a fistfight with a soccer mom while everyone's waiting to check out; the soccer mom won.

Engineer: Has a full, printed list of everything the team needs, which is organized by aisle number. Is the one who gives into Pyro's begging. Team Dad; keeps an eye on everyone and stops the soccer mom from murdering Soldier.

Heavy: Pushes the cart the entire time. Spends way too money on stuff in the protein shake aisle. At one point runs the cart down the aisle and let's go because Pyro wanted him to, and it ends up crashing into Demo.

Medic: Argues with the pharmacists at the pharmacy counter. Got lost with Soldier until they found Scout unconscious, so he had to perform CPR in the dairy aisle and a fucking paramedic criticized him the whole time; the paramedic hasn't been seen since.

BONUS Miss Pauling: Tries to more or less chaperone this shitshow of a shopping trip. Starts out cheerful and happy, ends up threatening to put child leashes on every last one of these dumbasses.

After Spy taught him how to dance in Expiration Date, Scout goes to him occasionally for advice, such as how to change a tire, how to cook certain things, how tf to do laundry, etc. Spy secretly loves that Scout does this, and tries to help him as much as he can.

Everyone on the team has called Engie “Dad” at least once, even Spy and Medic. No one comments on it.

Medic has been known to go on hour long tirades about anti-vaxxers, with Engie sometimes joining in.

Heavy buys Pyro stuffed animals during his trips to visit his family, which has started a tradition of everyone buying Pyro stuffed animals/toys when they go somewhere without them. Pyro's room is starting to look like a preschooler’s dream bedroom.

Scout calls his mom every other Friday, and he’ll occasionally let his teammates talk to her. Soldier always goes on and on about how good a soldier Scout has been (Scout cries like a baby), Medic tells her about Scout’s latest injuries (Scout damn near chokes him over it), Sniper is just glad to talk to a mom who won’t scold him for the whole phone call, Pyro hums music while Scout’s Ma sings the lyrics for them, Heavy talks about living in huge families with her, Demo asks her how she’s doing and if he can help her out at all, Engie is polite and also praises Scout, and Spy just tells her he’ll call her later before hanging up (Scout punches him for being rude to his mama).

Spy calls Scout's mom on the Fridays that Scout doesn't, mostly to check on her and sometimes to get into some, uh, “steamy” conversations over the phone. Sniper overheard a conversation between them once and now he can't look Scout or Spy in the eyes anymore.

And that's all I've got for right now! I hope you all liked my stupid headcanons!

[mangleschmidt]

DRV3 Boys playing TF2 Headcanons

(First made long before the F2P mute and bot crisis but I added the bot crisis)

Me and my bro made up many scenarios AND cosmetics for the class (my brother mostly help me with the idea)

I originally have the terminologies explained like market gardening, friendly and such but cut it because it’s getting too long. If you want the terminologies, you can tell me. Btw, I’m not an imagines blog, just doing this one for fun.

Kaito Momota

Main: Soldier

Thrilled to play this game, saying that's very manly and it's one of the coolest games yet

He, along with Kaede (and to an extend, Chiaki), are the ones who introduced the game to the class

Was a scout main at first and likes the scout unironically

A terrible tryhard warpig soldier

Saw a rocket jumping soldier at a High-tower map and wanted to imitate that, almost like he's blasting to space

Watch this guy try to market garden someone and then get fucking rekt by a Medic of all classes

He just dies, a lot, which is frustrating and his team gets mad at him

Kaito gets better at it fortunately, but it's a painfully slow process

You'll be lucky if he decides to go back to Scout in a round lmao

Rages in chat or voice but is the best cheerleader you can have in your team, he never actually shits on you for being shit on the game

There's that one time where Kaito got the Rocket Jumper from a drop, fired it at an enemy, got angry how it didn't worked, realized it doesn't do damage and embarrassed himself

Gets a bit pissy when no one is doing the objective so he avoids the maps Hightower and 2fort most of the time

Capture the flag and payload races mostly pisses him off for the same reason (tho he would go to Hightower for the sick rocket jumps)

So he doesn't like friendlies (but he may or may not, you know, do the conga, rock paper scissors, mannrobics, kazotsky kick-)

Anything that looks cool and manly cosmetics, but mostly you'll see him decked with space cosmetics

Bonus: Avoids Full Moon and Scream Fortress, is obviously afraid but he gives Alien Invasion a shot when it comes up, loves it. Also like Doomsday

Rantaro Amami

Main: Engineer

Everyone seems to be like it so why not give it a shot?

He got invested and also found the trading system

Rantaro usually plays engineer but is willing to change classes if the team needs a class

Is at least good at every other class

Rarely does turtling or battle engie but enjoys doing it with the other engies for laughs, and is very good at battle engie

Some people confused him with Uncle Dane

Hc that Rantaro looks up to Uncle Dane

Imagine Rantaro and Uncle Dane having a collab, that would be sick as fuck

Casual and competitive but more casual, often plays in community servers

That type of person who voice chats

Rantaro is one of the ones who would help his classmates play, along with Kaito. Imagine him like in a server with Kaito and Gonta, helping Gonta how to play and Avocado and Space boy act as a translator while Bug boy plays cutely

Doesn't mind friendlies, he chills with them a lot and he is easily well liked by the community

Some even suggested him to make a tf2 youtube channel

Has an unusual hat, making him look like a pro, has a lot of medic girlfriends because of this

One of the two reasons why the whole class have a wide array of cosmetics

Gonta Gokuhara

Main: Medic

At first he doesn't like how violent the game is

But since this violence is just for fun and in game and no one is actually getting hurt and dead so he's at least convinced

Still wants to play passively so Gonta goes with Medic, healing and helping his team seems to be a fitting choice!

The game is not too complex so he learns easily... i-in a way

Best boy learns fast, he should be fine

He's definitely that type of Medic who would go to someone when they press the E key and whoever is near him

Doesn't know where to look most of the time, gets lost easily to big maps like the control points

Gonta still has a firm grasp on what to do, like if he noticed that someone is in low health, he'll heal them immediately without needing the 'e', build up uber, spy check the patient, and never heal spies when they're disguised

Can't aim for shit, though he supposedly gets better at it with the crusader's crossbow

He sometimes would accidentally forget to pop when it's necessary and then die

"Danke!" Says that a lot

He doesn't play a lot despite having fun, he's an outdoor type of guy

Absolutely LOVES friendlies and just loves it when someone just stops, does the conga taunt and everyone follows, creating a conga line (until someone kills them all but it's all in good fun!) He loves silly servers

Is honestly surprised that there’s even such thing as silly servers and friendlies, thought it’s all blood and gore (he sometimes switch to pyro vision googles to avoid gore)

Sometimes plays as Heavy for the protecting part and the friendly Hoovy part for this reason

Anything fancy for the cosmetics, especially for hats the Gentleman's Gabsy or the Vintage Tyrolean (a good cosmetic for a good gentleman!)

Has a lot of cosmetics like Rantaro and trades them with the class

Bonus: Isn't fond of Banana Bay and the Second Banana... because banana

Kokichi Ouma

Main: None (most played: Scout)

Bold of you to assumed he never played this game before

... or is it a lie?

Needless to say he likes it for the cartoony and chaotic vibe of the game

Switches between the 9 classes, even if there's 5 spies he'll be the 6th one

He'd be that Medic who would leave the others to die, Scout that steals sandwiches from Heavy that's meant for the dying Medic and so forth

He might as well pretend to be a sniper bot

Chaos incarnate

This is the fucker who spams E and X+5 (Place the dispenser)

Also taunts in every kill

When he's on a losing team, he would try to bind kill right before the time is up or taunt kill in humiliation, sometimes works

Actually really good at the game, he's one of the very few people who picked up very quickly

Though he fooled Gonta once as a disguised enemy spy. He got rekt when they both noticed the achievement

Also dominated someone so badly that they immediately rage quit, another achievement

Another "you'll be lucky if he plays seriously" which is rare

Is definitely on a 30+ killstreak

People would sometimes thought he’s a squeaker (a kid who rages in voice chat) so he just fucks around with them and then just pulls a no u card

Neutral opinion on friendlies though he gets bored when no one is doing the objective or any action happening so he burns them all and watches them get mad in the chat

Obnoxious combos of cosmetics that you can easily recognize that purple neon Scunt from afar even if he's under an alias

Korekiyo Shinguuji

Main: Spy/Sniper

Not interested at first but is interested when others play and hovers over their shoulders to watch

While watching Gonta and Kiibo playing with the friendlies, he got interested

You don't see that in a lot of fps games

Korekiyo looks like an edgy sniper/spy main who just watches the chaos enveloping from the distance and getting headshots/backstabs out of nowhere

He's very calm and collective despite the crazy amount of chaos and all the deafening sounds of the vc

It's amusing to him, he even find the Administrator interesting and would sometimes go into many modes to hear her voice tone changes and a lot of behaviors of many players too

He even noticed the voice lines of the mercs and got invested in the lore of Team Fortress 2

Korekiyo still does his job in the game but can sometimes be interpreted as him in afk, almost got him kicked

Though he does get kicked for the being good at sniper, people getting butt hurt and called him a hacker

Also an amazing spy checker

Is interested about friendlies, he would come up to them close and observe them and he plays along with the taunts

He got really interested to see this "culture", like how most of the players collectively decides to play silly, serious or both, resulting him trying out almost every game mode and map there is

Unironically loves 2fort, Hightower, Suijin and Degroot Keep

Often joins community servers and silly servers but will do casual/pub servers whenever he feels like it

Something that resembles him irl, he looks edgy with the mask tbh

Other than that, his cosmetics changes depending on what mood or observation he wants to do

Ryoma Hoshi

Main: None (most played: Demoman)

Convinced by Kaito into playing

Not that much actually

Mediocre at best, he’s just doing his own thing

Definitely would stick around even if there’s one person in the server

Imagine getting killed by a Medic as a Demoknight in a melee fight with a shit weapon Do No Harm, couldn’t be me... or Ryoma

Likely plays Passtime

He will never admit it but he finds the ragdolls in the game funny

Also unironically likes the Scout

Demoknight tf2

God, imagine Ryoma has demonknight speed, combine it with his own speed and Solarlight skills, he’d be infinitely flying across all maps and go beyond the skybox

Ryoma too strong pls nerf

Doesn't play it often, not really his thing

Doesn’t mind friendlies, honestly surprised that there’s even such thing as one

Doesn't customize himself, though he likes the animal cosmetics

I apologize to the Ryoma fans out there for this being short

Shuichi Saihara

Main: None (most played: Spy)

Also doesn't see the appeal, but convinced by Kaito into playing

When he played the game for the first time, every time he dies, he switch to a class just to test them out

It’s too much for him, please hold him

Probably fell off a cliff several times-

Imagine the sheer amount of panic he feels when playing any class, especially Medic since Medic is a death magnet

Rockets, explosives, bullets, fire, blood and ragdolls everywhere! ... oh hey why is that guy just crouching with a melee?

He gets the hang of it over time

One of the best spy checker there is as well, not only as Pyro, though he feels sorry for the new spies (or newbies in general) so he tries to teach them the best way he can

The server kicked him for using hacks to find spies but for him, it’s obvious???

He usually plays the class whatever the team needs at the moment

Hard reads are strong in this one

Sushi likes the friendlies, chills with them a lot :>

Doesn’t customized himself, Kaito’s the one who helped him with it

K1-B0

Main: None (most played: Heavy)

Tries it out

It's ok I guess

He also doesn't have a main because he'll try to accommodate in which class is needed

If the whole team is like a full house of cards (in a 4 snipers, 5 engies type of way, you get the idea), he'll mostly go for the Medic since he knows it's vital for a team to have a Medic

There's rarely any Medics or Heavies in the start of the round, are they an endangered species??

He might start an event or something dedicating to the two classes

It never goes well despite Keebo's efforts in those, let's be honest

Though sometimes the team has like three Medics, the poor boy is confused

He's actually doing alright with all the class

The bot problem, oh god the bot problem

So there's that one time where the Myg0t bot joined, the enemy team said in the chat about kicking the bot

Well... obviously this made Keebo upset, as he thought they were referring to him

The server thought Keebo was trolling when he said something about him being a robot and saying that they're being robophobic... and sending them to court-

By some kind of miracle, the server liked Keebo because of this so he wasn't kicked out but he's incredibly salty throughout the match

"The server is robophobic" "Keebo, they were referring to the aimbots, they weren't robophobic" "... What Aimbots?"

His classmates were able to explain with videos and experiences, and also told him about several other types of bots that ruins the fun, which made Keebo embarrassed for having the wrong assumption

Though he still gets offended whenever it happens-

Like Kaito, he also doesn't like friendlies, insisting that that it's not how really play the game, though is guilty in pre-game conga lines, mannrobics and kazotski taunts, he likes the mannrobics

Bonus: Does NOT like the bot deco and is conflicted with the Mann vs Machine game mode