#puts me in a better headspace
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5-htagonist · 7 months ago
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bro i remember being young and my grandma telling me if i dont learn to clean my room then i wont do it when im older. while there is some truth there what she did not account for was the audhd
#hated cleaning bc i didnt have proper places for stuff#my grandma would clean my room for me when she deemed it too bad which meant shoving everything out of sight and#throwing away what she thought was trash#now i can actually fucking designate places for my stuff where i can trust it will stay there and i desire to keep the place clean bc it#puts me in a better headspace#the demand avoidance though! the object permanance issues! the executive dysfunction!#now i can avoid all of those by 1. taking adderall LOL but also#putting things in plan sight#the only things that go in drawers are things that have specific or regular use#like i have drawers for my art supplies#clothes in drawers kitchen stuf fin cabinets etc#but stuff that can easily be forgotten i keep in plain sight#i keep a binder with all our important documents#its just much easier starting from scratch with a place and being able to actually learn to manage my self and posessions#plus adderall. ithonestly helps create new coping skills though likeim still adhd on it but i can regulate better which means forming#pathways and stuff#idk!#i love sharing a place with people who at least have a certain respect for my things#even if the roommate that isnt my husband doesnt have housekeeping sense god gave a goose (<- stole that one from my great grandma)#i mean good lord ive never seen anyone go so long without cleaning#Anything#At All. Ever.#like BRO MY HUSBAND AND I BOTH HAVE ISSUES WITH DEPRESSION AND EXECUTIVE FUNCTIONING AND IMPULSE MANAGEMENT#BUT WE DO NOT BUY DELIVERY ALMOST EVERYDAY THEN COME UP SHORT ON RENT!!!!!!#nor does our room emanate a Stink#nor do we habitually leave trash out without (also habitually) picking it up#like i get it yk? but in common areas dont leave your trash around Constant#i get a wrapper or box on the counter or whatev.. but you just do a pass through occasionaly where you pick your stuff up and throw it away#or at least get it in one place#idk how i got into this my roommate pisses me off. also the type of motherfucker to have opportunity stare him in the face and reject it
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iwritenarrativesandstuff · 1 year ago
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Trimax Thoughts Vol. 4 Pt. 3
Alright. Bit of a heavier one for tonight. I want to talk Vash's relation to his own feelings of anger and how these tie into his suicidal thoughts, because it's tragically fascinating and I still can't really make heads or tails out of it - specifically in that I don't think anyone is a reliable narrator in this situation so I'm left a little lost as to who to believe.
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(ID: A screenshot of four panels from Chapter 7 of Volume 4 of Trigun Maximum. A conversation between Hoppered and Vash takes place, in which Hoppered says "I bet you want to kill me too, right? Of course you do... You want to tear me limb from limb." A somewhat grainy image of Rem, smile visible but eyes hidden, is shown, before Vash replies, his eyes narrowed, "Yeah... I do..." End ID.)
Warning! I am going to be discussing Vash's no good, very bad mental health. It's nothing worse than what is obvious from a read of the manga but if you're not in the headspace for it, you might want to skip this one. I had a bit of trouble writing it, if I'm being honest.
Volume 4 basically solidified what had kept cropping up all throughout the manga - Vash is keeping himself going only through his goal of "settling the score" with Knives. On the next page, Vash says the following:
"That's why... you can go right ahead and kill me. But... before I give you that chance... before I let you bind me in chains, lock me up, and torture me to death... I will send Knives to hell!"
Yikes buddy. This has been a running bit of characterization all throughout the manga - Vash survives because he has to. He takes small moments of joy where he can, tries to smile even when he's not feeling it, looks on the bright side even when things seem hopeless, because that's the only way he can survive to do what he has to. <- There's nothing especially wrong with this. This is a coping mechanism and as far as his coping mechanisms go, it's not so bad at all. It's actually pretty good, all things considered.
Problem is, he also has to embody the ideal he strives for - that no one needs to die, that he will never kill. And herein lies the issue, because Vash already feels like a monster because of July. Any deviation from the peace loving pacifist image he tries so hard to maintain brings Vash's self-loathing to the surface.
Ex. Vash sees the moon his angel arm blew a hole in and goes from denying culpability for the destruction of July to hardly resisting and calling himself a murderer.
Ex. Vash expresses that he holds murderous sentiment towards Hoppered. He sees this as a justifiable reason for Hoppered to kill him.
Even the thought that he has or could still deviate from his promise made in Rem's memory causes him immense amounts of shame. Vash does not want to harm people. Is it out of love? Is it out of guilt? I think at this point, there's no separating them. Vash doesn't kill out of a mix of these two emotions that are so intertwined in his core they have become inextricable.
The thing is... Vash's driving emotion appears to actually be anger, specifically, anger against Knives. He wants to "settle the score", which is a pretty retributive mentality for someone trying to embody pacifism. In fact, that kind of motivation strongly clashes with that image in a way that imo cannot coexist. It's reasonable in his mind to take that stance against Knives, who is not one of the humans Rem died to save, but against humans, it's unacceptable. So, Vash represses his anger constantly.
A great example of this is watching the contrast between Vash fighting Leonof and Wolfwood fighting Ninelives. Wolfwood fights with his emotions on visceral display; he is loud and cocky and desperate and violent. Vash, on the flip side, is almost dangerously quiet and composed, to the point Wolfwood seems a bit disturbed by it - but it's all repression. He needs to stay focused, his motions are calculated to reduce harm even against the puppets, he's eerily silent and his facial expressions are controlled and muted for the most part; all methods that Vash uses to stay in control (<- this is important!).
Here's the thing. I don't know that I necessarily, fully believe that Vash wants to kill Hoppered. I don't know that I trust anyone's narration in this scene - first of all, Hoppered is mad projecting his animosity onto Vash because he needs to secure the image of Vash as unrepentant destroyer of July; if Vash isn't the demon he believes him to be, his quest for revenge was for nothing (well, sort of. Vash obviously did destroy the city, but the intent was not there - and the latter seems to be what Hoppered is banking his hatred on). Hoppered earlier accused Vash of enjoying the fight... which is pretty clearly not true, so that it was Hoppered who prompted Vash's admittance above is a little suspect. Second, we've seen what Vash looks like when actually violently angry.
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(ID: Two separate images screenshotted from the Trigun manga. The first shows Vash raising his gun at a recently reborn Knives, angrily shouting the other's name. The second shows Vash having jammed the barrel of his gun into Monev's eye, clearly close to pulling the trigger. End ID.)
To me, I see little indication in the build up to this of Vash legitimately wanting to kill Hoppered. He had no desire to kill Rai-Dei after all, and that was after he knew the GHG were targeting Home. Hoppered is probably the most sympathetic of the GHG. Vash is also in a self-destructive mindset in this scene, having just called himself a murderer after seeing the damage done to the moon again.
Is he agreeing with Hoppered's projection because he wants Hoppered to continue to hate him enough to punish him for the deaths of all those people? (The image of Rem then becomes symbolic of his having already failed to uphold her sacrifice.) Or should I be taking his words at face value and he really does want to kill Hoppered? (In this case, the image of Rem is out of guilt for voicing something aloud that goes against his image of her.) Is it possible that a combination of his self-loathing in this scene and fear of himself has him agreeing with Hoppered out of resignation that despite his best efforts, he is doomed to destroy? (Like in fifth moon's "we were no good from the start". The image of Rem is thus the image of someone genuinely good and kind to him, an image he feels he cannot embody no matter how hard he tries.)
I find it very ambiguous honestly. Any interpretation is compelling from a character sense. Perhaps they all hold merit to some degree.
Regardless of how you interpret the line though, Vash is obviously angry, and for good reason - Hoppered, Midvalley and Zazie have taken Meryl. He's also likely afraid for her too - dude did jump out a window for like no practical purpose whatsoever before Zazie even finished talking. Like that's really sweet buddy but you accomplished absolutely nothing of use lol. Anyways. The point is, even if Vash was angry enough to want to kill Hoppered (and it would be for this reason, since nothing else would really warrant that), then that still wouldn't make Vash secretly evil and awful - first off, having a thought does not mean you will actually act on it, and second, what's the thing we keep getting shown and told, again and again?
Anyone will pick up a gun when their loved ones are threatened.
It's very natural to feel animosity for a person who may have harmed someone we care about. In that sense, Vash is behaving very human.
However, there's an extra layer here that complicates things. Vash has never been shy about his anger, but I think there is a bit of a progression of Vash kind of... tamping down on it faster, reeling it back in a little sooner after an initial flare of rage. ...Ever since Fifth Moon, actually. We also know that he has a strict training regimen, he does not miss a target, even blindfolded - Vash clearly maintains strong control over himself, all to mitigate the potential damage he could cause.
But then there's his Plant abilities. The angel arm. Something destructive he clearly does not understand, and has little if any control over (never mind that control was literally wrenched away from him but whatever). I don't think it's a stretch to say Vash is terrified of losing control.
Any human can feel hatred and anger and potentially cause moderate amounts of harm and damage, but these are likely to be targeted and can be more easily contained. Vash feels hatred and anger and has the capacity to level a city and blow a hole in a celestial body in the blink of an eye, and there is nothing anyone can do about it. That must be terrifying.
Because, see, the no-killing thing is out of respect for Rem, but Vash also strongly wants to, needs to believe that non-violent solutions are possible, that people are good, that anyone can change. Vash, out of some combination of love and guilt, does not actually want to harm anyone, but Vash is also a living gun just under the surface of his iron self-control. And being reminded of that deeply fucks him up, to the point he believes he is a danger by nature, incapable of living up to the standard of kindness he wants to put into the world, so even just the thought of wanting to inflict harm on another is enough to send him spiraling - because what if that is the point he loses his control? "I should never have been born" indeed...
It's interesting to me that Vash should call Wolfwood out on his lack of hope in a future for the world, when he so clearly has little if any hope in a future for himself. He allots himself no place in the world. Maybe you should allow yourself to heal a little, buddy. You have some people pretty close by who, in spite of it all, like you quite a lot...
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tuituipupu · 6 months ago
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these instagram accounts i HIGHLY recommend to get first hand sources and videos of what is actually going down in Palestine with ENGLISH SUBTITLES: eye.on.palestine middleeasteye .
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astro-b-o-y-d · 15 days ago
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Definitely back in the 'Actually I'm a very good writer' mindset again after rereading some older stuff, both fic and RP alike. I'm telling you, my brain likes to lie to me and make me forget how talented I am!
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brown-little-robin · 8 months ago
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what is UP everyone I just finished my very first one-shot fic EVER!!
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some-mari-thoughts · 9 months ago
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What do you make of the idea of Blackspace kinda fusing with Hellmari after a post-good ending Omori gave her true life, therefore making her the entire realm by technicality? Omori would do that cuz he needs something to kinda fill the void that appeared when Sunny left and he's getting desperate after not finding anything in Headspace to do that...
(woooooooooo explaining my omori au lore-)
Truthfully this is so wildly different to my idea of headspace and omori and after-good ending that i cannot make anything of this! i think that's up to u to decide
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#they kinda have to coexist anyway in my head#yes they had a big ass fight abt things and sunny's headspace is kinda all crumpled once again and white space is emptier than ever#omori's still the inner 12 y o kid who is also the anxiety and escapism and so many things and he isn't going anywhere immediately#so they do have to work together and fill it w new things. make smth of it and make it comfortable again in a better way#idk we're not letting the nightmares fester#your story is yours though its just so different from mine that it feels like a string of words that i can't tie togetjher#in a way that makes sense at least#so here you know your story best#also pleas#if u wanna put smth that u made and make me see it please let it be related to me and my blog in my inbox#i WILL spit my hcs and story at u if u put unrelated things here#i don't have the responsibility to react to Your omori content that i did not sign up or ask to see!#that's almost your own post material. let me come across it in the tag when i want to see it#and if i don't it was not meant to be#its an honor to receive your omori art of mari btw if u do put it here. just make sure it's not a constant and rather an occasion#cannot publish your omocontent for you#sorry for the tag rant its offtopic from the post#i do get severe urge to ignore/delete asks that seem wholly unrelated to my blog or a fully cooked personal omori post#and not an ask to tumblr user some mari thoughts who makes art and posts hcs and shares some art sometimes#OMORI Sunny#OMORI character#Knife boi#Son boi#my doodles
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famewolf · 6 months ago
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feeling a little burnt out tbh so I think I'm going to just try and relax as much as humanly possible to avoid crashing and burning like I usually do this time of year lmao
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natalia-lafourcade · 8 months ago
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I made my dad check my Nahuatl homework and he told me that the verb prefixes in our Puebla Central variant are completely different from the prefixes in the Huasteca variant I'm learning. It's so frustrating because that means I have to learn two different verb conjugations and I feel like I'm not at a stage where I have the capacity to learn both. That and he told me that Nahuatl was easy and that if he could learn English at my age, I could learn this variant, but it just made me feel so much worse. He's absolutely right but I am nowhere near as linguistically gifted as he is. I was feeling horrible but I read the passage in the library book that has a profile on NYC Nahuatl speakers that also speak my variant and reading their words was so much more reassuring.... Hearing them talk about how isolated they feel being the only speakers of their language is single-handedly giving me the motivation to continue but mannnn I wish I had learned it earlier.
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queencvbra · 12 days ago
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I am. So so scared about that they're doing with Tory this season lol.
#⚡ ooc. ── ❝ 𝘖𝘩 𝘯𝘰 𝘪𝘵'𝘴 𝘔𝘢𝘳𝘪. ❞#the thing is I do like a good corruption arc but she has already made so much progress and EARNED her face turn yknow?#it took her three whole seasons of changing and wanting to be a better person to get there. *that* didn't come out of nowhere.#and it wasn't just an act of necessity to get rid of silver and kim that is tory being who she is instead of this front of forced toughness#my mixed feelings mostly come from how absolutely convoluted some things are around her return to kreese#like for one I will say they did pick the only circumstance in which I could see breaking her enough to go back (her mom d*ing)#that is literally the ONLY thing that could have worked and been believable for me to put her in that headspace#where she's so desperate just to make sense of the world again that she's susceptible to kreese's influence again#I don't have a problem with THAT aspect. I like how that was done in the vacuum of things and that part is what works for me.#what I don't like is everything happening *around* that situation and there being some glaring things that have to be overlooked#to make it happen exactly as it did#for starters it makes no fucking sense to me at all that no one went to physically check on Tory when she ghosted everyone#and then NOBODY checked on her after that fight when something was clearly wrong with her???? absolutely not.#the only explanation that would make sense for me is that she ran away and went where no one could find her#but the show didn't give us anything like that. they just skipped time so they could have her turn be more shocking.#and I hated that so so so much#also the other major plothole for me is tory willingly working with kim again#kim is to her what silver is to daniel so I don't think even under this extreme mental duress that she would go back#bc kim literally traumatized her#she would go back to kreese yeah. I could believe that. but there is no way she wants to be around kim *at all*#that would be like having daniel forgive silver and go back to him just because he teaches good karate#I have feelings and obvs I'm gonna wait and see how this plays out but I'm genuinely worried#especially after seeing some stuff in the trailers / released screencaps that have me concerned about where they're taking it#which I won't talk about in this post bc potential spoilers but uh. I definitely have strong feelings about a couple of things.
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Ask game: List 5 things that make you happy, then put this in the askbox for the last 10 people who liked or reblogged something from you! :)
Watching the Lord of the Rings behind-the-scenes stuff, particularly the little documentary chronicling the filming of The Return of the King. So much passion and talent and teamwork and joy was poured into those films!! It’s privilege enough to have the films themselves, but then also to have so many of the stories that came from the making of the films, and to know that so many bonds of camaraderie and friendship came out of it all.
I was especially sad a couple days ago and bought myself an electric kettle and some teas, and even though they haven’t arrived yet the thought of them is so cheering!
I have just started watching Doctor Who for the first time (starting with the black-and-white episodes from the sixties), and that theme song slaps.
There was a lady selling chicken tamales in the grocery store parking lot the last time my dad went shopping and he bought some and they’re so delicious!! I’m having another one for lunch today!
Doing a new workout series on my dad’s fancy exercise bike; this one was filmed in Utah and the scenery is so stunning and it’s challenging but I’m rising to the challenge and getting stronger!
Thank you for this, it was an excellent way to start my morning!
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jorvikzelda · 1 year ago
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Somehow despite fully optimal conditions having the worst day of my entire life
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gonguji · 6 months ago
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SNIFF SNIFF... I love my mutuals so much!
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araneapeixes · 8 months ago
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I AM SO SORRY I HAVEN'T BEEN ONLINE AND GIVING YOU THE LOVE AND PRAISE YOU DESERVE; PLEASE KEEP DRAWING. IT'S AMAZING!!!
AAAAH THANK YOUUUU ;____; it means so much really!!!! ;--;
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yuelun · 1 year ago
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I've been working on drafts/asks/a little meta post behind the scenes as to pick activity back up writing after my little 'holidays'— and I'm hoping to post some of it before sleeping tonight. Aside from that (I know Gui, shh, don't fret), if any of you get a follow from a little sideblog (very likely) linked to Seele from HSR, know that it's me.
... Same with Kafka in the future, possibly.
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serabellyms · 11 months ago
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💖
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isabelguerra · 2 years ago
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i dont have an actual name for it but depressed college au is probably one of my favorites. i dont really care for the adults in paranatural and thinking about how the activity club/others might grow up and continue their lives is so much more interesting to me
#i started reading this comic when i was 15? i think? and now im recently 23. i cant really say i relate or want to relate to 12 year olds an#y more. and yeah i prefer a lot more nuance and complexity when crafting+ reading stories#but when your protags are 12. well. yeah pass#pnats adults are fine but the kids are the ones i have any actual emotional interest or compulsion towards#so when i write something that might be less 'yippee whimsical wacky adventures' and the options are spender and zarei. again theyre fine bu#t i dont really care enough about spender and zarei#but i still want to write about adults you know. BEING 12 was hard enough you could not PAY me to go back into that headspace#honestly thats actually why most of wizard au takes place in their later school years#like you know those aged up mob psycho 100 aus. where mob is like a fireman and ritsu is an english major and theyre not exactly having epic#adventures anymore but theyre coming into themselves etc. god. thats the stuff 2 me#i used to hate aged up aus as a teenager bc i thought it was the author/artists excuse to put kids in weird situations. and idk considering#it was 2015. yeah fair. but i do think i get it now. teenage years are hard and theres a certain part of that hardness that i love. things#like growing up [from a 17yo perspective] and people you love going to college and trying to find yourself and dealing w friends and fear#for the future. THOSE are the kind of teen stories i like reading about. but when you start getting tired and mellowing out and things that#come with the end of college and grad school and growing up [from a 22yos perspective] is similar. but its more somber. youre older now#when the protagonists become people. thats what i like#wizard au is fun as a huge intense magical adventure project but depressed college au is just like. where i can project.#drinking an entire pack of mikes hard lemonade by myself and lying on the floor talking to friends about how im scared and pushing myself#towards a career that i love but dont know i can achieve. friends leaving. getting an apartment for the first time. and the second and#the third. that feels better when i can sit down and go 'okay. someday isabel will do this too. i might not understand. my friends might not#understand. nobody could understand and i could be alone. but max woke up with a hangover today and i know what that feels like' etc#idk just feels better. taking your favorite characters with you while you go through things. by which i mean#'taking my favorite characters and making them go through things'#you want them to be safe and happy and having fun. i want them to feel fear. we both know what we want from fiction and treasure each#depressed college au#dcau
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