#ps. replies will be going into queue

[unpunishble]

have sooo much to catch up on but for now i offer ...

[callme-holly]

hey! i love your johnny cade fics <3 if you’re still taking requests and you like the idea could you write one where reader is part of the group but is sneaking around with johnny, keeping their new relationship from the gang, but there’s really cute secret smiles/touches/hand holding 🥹 and then maybe one of them is just like, you two really are not subtle, we know about it (i feel like this would be dally😅) thank you 🫶🏼 ps sorry if too specific

𝐇𝐨𝐥𝐝 𝐌𝐲 𝐇𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐢𝐧 𝐒𝐞𝐜𝐫𝐞𝐭 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐊𝐢𝐬𝐬 𝐌𝐞 𝐖𝐡𝐞𝐧 𝐍𝐨 𝐎𝐧𝐞’𝐬 𝐋𝐨𝐨𝐤𝐢𝐧𝐠 [𝐭𝐡𝐫𝐞𝐞 𝐭𝐢𝐦𝐞𝐬 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐠𝐚𝐧𝐠 𝐚𝐥𝐦𝐨𝐬𝐭 𝐟𝐨𝐮𝐧𝐝 𝐨𝐮𝐭 𝐚𝐛𝐨𝐮𝐭 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐣𝐨𝐡𝐧𝐧𝐲 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐨𝐧𝐞 𝐭𝐢𝐦𝐞 𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐲 𝐝𝐢𝐝]

𝐚𝐮𝐭𝐡𝐨𝐫'𝐬 𝐧𝐨𝐭𝐞 - I'm so sorry for how long this took me to write I had a huge drama exam and things were crazy but I'm back now!! This was super fun to write so I hope ya'll enjoy this and, as always, my asks are still open for requests!!

𝐰𝐨𝐫𝐝 𝐜𝐨𝐮𝐧𝐭 - 2.5k words

𝐰𝐚𝐫𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬 - mild swearing !!

0.1 - ‘hey, was that Johnny?’

It’s early evening by the time the gang reach The Nightly Double, with the sun sinking low over the horizon and casting long shadows onto the sidewalk. It’s the first time in a while they've all been able to do something together, something outside of work, or school, or fighting, and most are glad for it. So glad in fact that they hardly noticed they’re two members short.

—

“You want me to get you somethin’?” Johnny mumbles, squeezing your hand gently as you both wander past the concession stand, searching for some seats tucked a little further back and away from prying eyes. 

You hum and glance over to the stand. The line for snacks and drinks isn’t too long; there are only a few people waiting ahead, but you have no doubt that it will be much longer a little later on when the cars of socs start to roll in. 

“Sure, if you don’t mind…” You murmur, turning your attention back to Johnny as he leads you  through the small crowd of people, pausing once you both reach the end of the queue. He shoots you a soft, crooked grin before dropping his head a little to press a quick kiss to your lips. 

“What’d you want?” He asks after he pulls back, and you can’t help but smile warmly, leaning a little into his side as you get closer to the counter. 

“Just a pepsi will do me.” You reply lightly, and he gives a short nod, reaching into his pocket to scrape together enough cash for the drink. 

Noticing this, you frown just a bit, and grab at his forearm to try and stop him. 

“Johnny, I didn't think you meant you'd pay–”

He turns those beautiful, dark eyes back to yours and shakes his head, giving a small shrug. “It's no big deal.” 

“But–” 

“No, really,” He insists quietly as you both reach the counter. “I’ve got it.” 

There’s really no arguing with him, and so, with one last lingering look, you release his arm and watch with a sigh as he orders your drinks and slides the change across the counter. You purse your lips for a moment, leaning forward to rest your head on his shoulder.

“You didn’t have to do that. I’ve got the money, you know.” 

Johnny only hums in response, pressing a quick kiss to your hair. “It’s fine. I wanted to.” 

He hands you your pepsi, taking your hand in his as you both turn, about to return to your hunt for seats once more, when you notice an all-too-familiar group of greasers standing in line. 

You frown briefly before glancing up at Johnny, who follows your gaze, his eyes widening. 

“Shit…” He’s quick to drop your hand, turning so that his back is to the gang. You follow suit, tucking yourself into Johnny’s side as you both try to blend in with the passing wave of teens around you.

The two of you keep your heads down, keeping your pace as even as possible as you move past the group of boys, their laughter ringing out as they make small jabs at each other. They seem so caught up in whatever is going on around them that you and Johnny manage to slip away without being noticed. Or, at least, you think you do.

—

“Hey, Ponyboy, what the hell are you lookin’ at?” 

Two-bit slams a hand down on the boy’s shoulder, effectively drawing his attention away from the passing crowd and back to the rowdiness of the gang. By now, they have all stopped with their teasing, their eyes not-so-subtly scanning the swarms of people around them.  

Pony shakes his head, scuffing the toe of his shoe into the ground and shrugging. “Ain’t nothin’... Just thought I saw Johnny.” 

Dallas snorts. “Johnny?” He laughs a little incredulously. “The kid swore he ain't comin' out tonight. Said he was busy, man.”

“Well, maybe he lied.” 

Steve raises a brow. “Why would he lie? If he wanted to catch a movie, he would've tagged along with us.” 

Pony’s face twists, and he glances back once more before shaking his head. “Nah, you're right. Guess I'm just seeing stuff, huh?”

Darry places a hand on his shoulder and squeezes. “It’s all that smoke gettin' to your head.” He teases, and the boy rolls his eyes, shrugging off his brother. 

“Whatever.”

0.2 - ‘you guys are here alone?’  

The diner is packed full; groups of teens are huddled around tables and scattered throughout various booths, most either talking amongst themselves or causing nothing but trouble. 

You and Johnny are tucked away in a booth you had claimed at the very back, the two of you hunched over the tabletop, a plate of fries and two milkshakes sitting between you. Your hands are entwined, and Johnny’s thumb is stroking absently over your knuckles as he watches you talk. His dark eyes shine with nothing but affection, and he can't help but lean in to press a quick kiss to your lips. 

You pause, a small smile tugging at the corners of your lips as you meet his eyes again. 

“What was that for?” 

Johnny shrugs, growing sheepish, as he takes a sip of his milkshake. 

“Just because.” He mumbles softly, looking away again; however, as he does so, he catches sight of something, or rather someone, out the window. “Uh oh…” 

You turn to follow his gaze and sigh inwardly as you see Soda and Steve coming through the doors to the diner, both boys sporting their DX uniforms as they scan the crowds for an empty table. You and Johnny sink low in your seats, doing your best to hide behind your discarded menus, but it's too late. 

“Johnnycake! Y/n!” Soda calls out with a grin and a wave, sauntering up to you and Johnny’s booth, Steve hot on his heels. They both sit themselves down, Steve stealing a couple of fries and shovelling them into his mouth as he does so, before shooting you a bright grin.

“Fancy seeing ya’ll here, huh?” He comments, reaching out to take a sip from your milkshake too, scowling as you slap his hand away. 

“Get your own shake.” You snap irritably, crossing your arms over your chest. 

“Don’t you like the company we bring?” Soda grins good-naturedly, and Johnny meets your gaze across the table, offering a small apologetic smile. 

You let out a long breath, feeling annoyance and a little exasperation course through your veins, but you knew better than to send the two greasers on their way. It will only raise suspicion, and that’s the last thing you need right now. You and Johnny are keeping your relationship a secret for a reason, and knowing Steve and his big mouth, you can bet half the town would know by morning. 

You’re broken from your thoughts when Soda leans forward, resting one elbow atop the table, propping up his chin with his free hand.

“Say, where's Dallas? Ain't he with you?”

Johnny shakes his head. “Nah, he’s still sleepin’ off a hangover.”

Soda blinks and then frowns. He tilts his head. “Two-bit?” 

“He ain’t here either.” Johnny replies simply, glancing at you again just as Steve pipes up.

“So, what, you’re both here alone?” 

The question catches you off guard, and you find yourself flushing a little beneath their scrutiny. 

What are they getting at? 

“Well, yeah.” 

Soda and Steve stare at you for a moment, their gazes moving towards Johnny before returning to you once more. They share a knowing glance, and for one fleeting moment, you're afraid they've caught on—that they've finally put two and two together and realised exactly what has been going on between you and Johnny. But then, after another brief moment passes, both boys just shrug, and Steve goes to take another handful of fries, the conversation seemingly forgotten.

You meet Johnny's gaze from across the table once more, offering him a small smile as you both reach for your milkshakes, your fingers brushing lightly. 

Looks like you'll have to wait a little longer for some time alone. 

0.3 -  unwanted company… again

You and Johnny wander aimlessly, your arms linked loosely together as you both pass slowly through the streets. 

It’s quiet out and relatively deserted, only the occasional car trundling past in the opposite direction, headlights flickering against the pair of you as it goes. You cast a sidelong glance at Johnny as he continues to lead the way, his steps leisurely and relaxed. 

There's a light flush to his cheeks from the excessive summer air, his dark bangs falling in front of his eyes and sticking to his forehead. You want nothing more than to stop, to push back the strands, and you just can’t help yourself as you pause and tug him back, your lips brushing softly against his cheek. 

His eyes widen at your action, shooting you a shy smile as your fingers card through his hair, tucking it behind his ears as best you can.

“That's better,” you concede after a moment, pulling back to admire your handy work and smiling fondly when one stray strand falls back into his eyes.  

“Much better,” Johnny nods, linking your fingers together and leading you on once more. “C’mon, we got places to be.” 

That, of course, is a lie. You two aren't doing anything except wasting time, trying to make up for all the moments lost since the incident at the diner. The two of you have managed to avoid any questions from the gang, keeping your interactions limited to quick kisses when nobody is looking and soft smiles from across the room. That is, until today, of course.

Your fingers lace in a loose hold with Johnny’s, your hand fitting neatly into his, as the two of you walk along in silence. It had been tough getting away from the others, even if it was only for a few minutes, and it seemed that, no matter where you went, someone was always there to interrupt the two of you. You'd tried to sneak away to get some privacy, but each time you did, at least one of the guys seemed determined to tag along.

But this time you were lucky. It seemed as though you had managed to get away without anyone finding out and, for once, it was just you and Johnny. 

Or so you thought… 

“Hey!”  Someone shouts from behind you and, almost instinctively, you and Johnny jump apart, trying not to let your panic show as you turn around to see not only Two-bit, but Ponyboy too, running across the street to meet you guys. Johnny’s face drops and you let out a huff as Two slings an arm over your shoulders, a wide grin plastered on his face.

"Say, Y/N, whatcha doing hanging out with someone like Johnnycake, huh?” He teases, causing the boy’s cheeks to flush  red.

“Shut up…” He mutters softly, stuffing his hands in his pockets as Pony comes to stand beside him. “What do ya’ll want?” 

Two-bit cocks his brow, a devious smirk spreading across his lips. “Aw, c'mon, is our presence really that unappealing to you?”

Johnny narrows his eyes at his friend, glancing back at you to gauge your reaction. You shrug helplessly, unable to hide your slightly annoyed expression, as the two greasers begin to walk alongside you. 

Another date crashed spectacularly before it had even started… again… and another close call. 

0.4 - a ‘not-so-secret’ secret 

The gang is all gathered in the living room of the Curtis House, scattered about in various states of entertainment, talking amongst one another or watching whatever is playing on the TV. You're perched on the arm of the couch, trying your best to listen to whatever it is the pony is telling you; however, your gaze keeps occasionally drifting to the front door as you wait anxiously for Johnny to show up. 

It's almost seven thirty now, and already a million different thoughts are racing through your mind, ranging from ‘what if’s’ to 'maybe...', but eventually, your curiosity wins out and you can't help but ask.

“Where’s Johnny?” 

Pony pauses mid-story, turning slightly to look at you before casting you a confused glance.

“Huh?”

“I mean…” You wrack your brain for something else to say, a faint blush dusted across your cheeks and making your skin feel clammy. “He hasn't shown up yet, and normally he's one of the first to arrive. I just wondered where he was.” 

There's a small silence, and Ponyboy shrugs, glancing at the door himself, and then back at you. “Dunno. Maybe he couldn't make it. You know how tough things are for him.” 

You sigh softly, biting your bottom lip. A sudden fear grows within you as your mind fills with images of Johnny in various states of hurt or distress. You know, if he wasn't going to come tonight, he would have called at least to let you know. His absence doesn’t bode well. 

“Yeah,” You say quietly, shaking your head as you try to dispel the unpleasant thoughts, glancing around briefly as you realise that everyone has gone quiet at your mention of Johnny. “Yeah, maybe.” 

Pony nods, giving you a reassuring smile, and slowly everyone goes back to their previous tasks, but, despite yourself, the anxiety remains in the pit of your stomach. You keep glancing towards the hallway every few seconds, your heart beating rapidly in your chest and your palms beginning to sweat slightly. 

Your breath hitches at the sound of the screen door opening, your attention snapping to the doorway to find Johnny, his hair dishevelled and clothes rumpled, but otherwise appearing fine. He meets your gaze, and, in a flash, you are up, rushing to greet him. 

The gang all share knowing looks, exchanging amused glances between one another.

Things are really starting to add up… 

“Say, how come I didn’t get no greetin’ like that?” Two-bit feigns offence, placing his hand over his heart as you and Johnny part awkwardly. 

“Well,” You start, clearing your throat, before glancing at Johnny once more. “Um…” You trail off, realising that there's only one way to go with this.

So, taking a deep, steady breath, you step forward and grasp Johnny's hand in your own, squeezing tightly. He returns the gesture with equal intensity, his thumb caressing your knuckles gently.

“We're dating…”  You mumble, barely loud enough for anybody else to hear, although you could swear that the entire group freezes for a beat.

A beat that seems to last forever.

And then:

“We know.”

You turn to look at Dallas, who is lounging across the couch, his legs stretched out before him, a cigarette held loosely between his lips as he regards you calmly and nonchalantly.

“What do you mean you knew?” Johnny asks incredulously. The greaser waves his hand dismissively. 

“Ya’ll aren’t as subtle as you think.” He grins lazily, “Besides, I figured it was bound to happen sooner or later.”

You roll your eyes at Dallas, and instead of voicing a reply, you pull Johnny closer by the hand and lean up for a kiss, ignoring the cheers and shouts that erupt from around you.

𝐚𝐬𝐤𝐬 𝐚𝐫𝐞 𝐜𝐮𝐫𝐫𝐞𝐧𝐭𝐥𝐲 𝐨𝐩𝐞𝐧 𝐟𝐨𝐫 𝐫𝐞𝐪𝐮𝐞𝐬𝐭𝐬!!

[reiderwriter]

Hey lovely! Hope you’re doing good! I was listening to bad idea right? By Olivia Rodrigo and thought it would be a good idea for a Spencer fic, was thinking something something with a little angst, smut and possibly a fluffy ending! ♥️

Ps love your writing 🖤

A/N: Most relatable song released this year, if we're being totally honest with ourselves, right 💀 I hope you enjoy this!

Warnings: (Munch Spencer Truthers, I'm throwing yourself another bone here), Oral (f receiving), fingering, masturbation (male), slight hand job at the end, penetrative sex, cum play, etc. Minors DNI 18+

Your fling with Spencer Reid from the BAU ended abruptly when he fell off the face of the earth.

You weren't sure how someone who had described himself as technophobic had managed to perfect the art of ghosting someone, but boy had he, and you were still a little bit angry about it.

Even angrier when you saw him plastered over the local news out on a case, explaining to the people how fake tips to the FBI hindered cases more than helped them.

You were angry because he looked so good. His hair was shorter, displaying his all too pretty features prominently, and pissing you off to no end as you still felt your heart beat out of your chest until he'd disappeared into a crime scene again.

You brushed it off and berated yourself until the text came.

It wasn't much, just a quick hello, but you waited for a few minutes anyway to see if he'd say anything else.

When he didn't, you grew frustrated and text him a response.

“Who is this?”

It was petty, but four months of radio silence deserved less, in all honesty.

You weren't expecting the phone to vibrate out of your hand as you waited for a response, but it lit up with his call and you scrambled to wait enough time to pick it up.

“Hello.”

“Hi. It's Spencer. Spencer Reid. Doctor Spencer Reid, from the Behavioural Analysis Unit, this is Y/N right?”

“Yes, Spencer, it's me. My number didn't change after four months.”

“Okay, that was deserved.”

“Why are you calling Spencer?”

“Because I'm a burnt out child prodigy who didn't cure schizophrenia by age 25 and my friends missed my birthday. And because I really wanted to see you.”

The line went quiet as you contemplated what the hell you would say to that.

“It would be stupid to ask if you remembered my address, right?”

“Y/N, I remember what you taste like, and I'll never forget it.”

“Good. I'm locking the door in half an hour.” You didn't give him time to respond before exiting the call and running to your bathroom.

Maybe it wasn't the best idea entertaining a fling from months ago on a whim at 7pm on a Wednesday evening, but you had nothing else to be doing with your time.

It wasn't illegal for people to reconnect, and you were not going to mention this to any close or mutual friends of yours, so one conversation (or whatever this was) probably wouldn't have any consequences anyway.

Caution blown to the wind, you replaced your work clothes with a comfortable dress, fixed your hair and poured a glass of wine and waited.

As if on queue, 27 minutes later, Spencer was at your door. Or more accurately in your house.

Your threat to lock the doors had obviously spurred him on, and you heard the door handle twist as he stepped into the space.

“Spencer. How lovely, to what do I owe the honor?”

The adrenaline of making sure the door was unlocked had obviously worn off for him, as you saw him shift awkwardly in the doorway of your living room, sat comfortably on your couch, your skirt just riding high enough to distract.

“I was thinking. Well, I suppose the correct term would be overthinking. Emily had to snap me out of it, because I was kicking myself and doubting myself and worrying so much that we almost lost the unsub…”

“What I’m trying to say is I’ve regretted not doing too many things to think coming to beg you to kiss me again is a bad idea. It’s not a bad idea, right?”

“That depends, Spencer.” You replied, setting your glass of wine down and standing up. You took a wobbly step towards him, eager to blame your hesitancy on the wine rather than the things his gaze, his words and his simple presence was doing to your body.

“On if you only want a kiss.” Your hand gingerly slipped up his chest until it was hooked into his hair, exploring the shorter locks as he grabbed you by the waist.

“Or if you aren't satisfied with just that.”

“I can't seem to come up with an answer. Perhaps you should kiss me and it'll jog my memory.”

You finally cracked a smile, and saw his face instantly bloom into ot as well.

“Nu-uh Spencer. I think you have to take that chance this time.”

He hesitated only a second before his hands were cradling your face, tipping your chin up to him as he bent to kiss you. You immediately responded, letting your hands grab fistfuls of his shirt as you pulled each other closer.

It sent you off balance, but you let yourself follow the motion of you tipping backwards, letting him catch you as you began moving in the direction of your bed.

“Not a bad idea,” he mumbled between deep kisses, letting loose a stray moan when your hands trailed down to his belt and below. “Definitely not a bad idea.”

Somehow in the clash of lips and hands, you managed to make it back to your bed, his hands already managing to find themselves under your dress as his lips diverted your attention.

“Four months, Spencer.” You growled the words into his mouth as your tongues battled for dominance. “Four months without this. I thought I'd go insane.”

You felt him smile as he lifted you, and grinned too as you wrapped your legs around him just as he began climbing onto the bed, softly lowering you down until he was on top of you.

His tongue travelled down your neck, making his way back up towards your ear.

“I did go a bit insane, you know?”

His hands flipped up your skirt as he ground his dick against your crotch, pushing it up further until the bottoms of your breasts were peaking out of the scraps of material as well.

“Let me make it up to you?” It was phrased like a question he didn't care about the answer to, as he pushed off of you and completely rid your body of the material that was hindering it completely.

“That's better.” You swore you heard a sigh of contentment as he held your thighs apart and lowered his head, one kiss at a time, to your neglected pussy.

He hooked a ginger under your panties, and pushed them off to the side, but he'd never been the most patient, and he'd already spread your legs. He'd just work around the impediment, you knew.

And he did, starting with a casual flick of the tongue as he looked up at you from his place at your cunt, smiling at you as he began to feast.

You'd never thought of yourself as a pillow princess before Spencer, enjoying giving love as much as receiving but he gave you the perfect royal treatment, and enjoying it so much it was impossible to deny.

After getting so spoiled, it was a wonder that you even knew how to adapt to life without him, nothing compared to the care and attention he showed you in bed.

Your thoughts blended together as he pressed a finger into you, already sneaked with his spit and your wetness, collected from between his lips and your soaked cunt. His pace was steady, repetitive, and driving you fucking insane.

Never a demanding lover, before you would have simply let him enjoy his time between your legs, enjoying just how much he enjoyed it himself as he lapped up all of your juices.

But four months clean from your addiction to Spencer Reid and you were snapping.

Your hands gripped at his hair, pressing his face further into your cunt than he'd been before, enjoying the muffled moans and the sound of his tongue generously lapping up all you had to offer.

You started humping his mouth, holding his head still as you used him as a tool to get yourself off, finally cumming on his mouth with a shudder and an unfiltered moan.

It would've been embarrassing if it wa anyone else, just how loud you'd been for your ex-boyfriend.

“You taste the same.” He said, wiping the remainders of your cum from his lips as he stroked himself, having loosed his cock from his pants sometime between you moaning like a wanton whore and using his face as a sex toy.

A single glance at him over you pleasuring himself was enough to get you ready for round two.

He had sat up on his knees, head and torso tilted slightly back to give you a better view of his cock being pumped hard and fast.

“Spencer Reid, don't you dare make yourself cum.” You thought the words were joking, light even but even you were shocked by the sheer lust dripping from your throat.

Wrapping your legs around him again, you pulled yourself up into his lap, holding yourself still as you quickly unfastened each of his shirt buttons, pushing it away and chucking it so far that he wouldn't be able to use it to cover up anything else.

It took you a minute more to properly situate yourself, but soon you were sinking down onto his cock and allowing the stretch to rule your mind and movements for a minute.

You gently started riding him, letting each gasp and moan reach your ears and spur you on, not holding back on your side either, telling him just how good it felt to have him in you raw once again.

Your stamina wasn't great though especially after having had one powerful orgasm already, and your movements soon became sloppy.

He kissed you softly on the lips, and you let go of the tension in your body as he pushed you onto your back, made sure you were comfortable, and started beating his cock into you with such a force that you were sure the bed was going to break.

It was this intensity that you craved, this complete change from his insistence on putting you first so to speak, and then using you as a human sexton when it suited him, allowing his cock to push you to your limits and beyond.

It wasn't like you could protest anyway, mouth hanging limply open in a scream of pleasure as sparks shot up your spine.

Entertaining Spencer Reid was never a bad idea. You decided then and there that if he left you again for whatever reason, you'd hunt him to the ends of the earth and beg for another chance at this feeling of pleasure.

You came again, of course, not sure if it was his cock or his exploring hands that was tethering you to the moment as you died a little death.

His own orgasm wasn't far behind your own, but he'd always been a bit messy. You weren't surprised when he gave a small panicked moan, pulling out at the last second as his cum spurted out. You helped him ride it out, wrapping a hand around him to stroke him until his dick was drained, the contents sprayed across your chest and breasts, a single drop even making it to the side of your mouth, but that was quickly lapped up.

His aftercare was almost as good as his foreplay, as he took pains to wash you diligently, even as all you wished to do was sleep well into the night directly after feeling his hot cum pour onto you.

He'd gathered a wash cloth, fresh set of pyjamas and an extra blanket to cocoon you both in before you could even lift a finger, and climbed into bed before you could even think of asking if he was staying the night.

With the satisfaction of multiple orgasms finally catching you, you fell asleep in his arms, a grin plastered on your lips, his hands possessively surrounding you.

Needless to say, when you woke in the morning, he was still there.

[windslar]

sorry if I can't reply to messages in my inbox right now. I have mentioned in the past that I work a very busy, very stressful job, 12 hour days four times a week. I have stretches of days off and that's usually when I can play, edit, and build my queue. obviously, I don't expect people to know this but I just thought I'd throw it out there since I was getting anon questions with similar asks and its making me think it's coming from the same person. and me being me, I don't want you to think I'm ignoring you. so yeah, pls be patient with me especially if it's a question that's going to require me to open my game or PS. thanks!

[poisonedspider]

Oof, y'all gonna hate me for two reasons. One, even though I'm not remotely tired, I am going to bed. I've never understood the whole "it's too hot to focus on writing" until this very second. I am melting, my laptop in my lap is too hot, and I just want to starfish and die.

I'm also going to start putting threads in the queue. I hate doing that because I always have a strong fear of something posting a week or so later and people having lost interest, but. Y'all too fast for me! I push out a reply and have one back within ten minutes. I currently have, uh........176 drafts and 49 inbox things. So until I get caught up to a degree that isn't overwhelming, queue it is!

Which PS, I don't mind being overwhelmed. I love threads. I want all of them. Don't think you can't send me things because of that. I just feel bad when I'm so slow and behind sooooo.

[thekidsare-not-alright]

Nurse anon here again, (just taking a quick break!) and I wanted to say thank you not only for your incredibly wonderful reply, but your personal note as well. <3 Wow, that helps SO much and I seriously appreciate all the effort you went to in order to put such a reply together! Also, please don't apologize because honestly, that was way better than I could have ever hoped for. Not everyone is willing to go into such detail (which would have been totally fine too, I would have been happy with literally any info) but I do thank you for that from the bottom of FOB-loving heart. I'm a 'novella' kinda person myself when it comes to providing info, so I appreciate that so much in return. <3 Ps - just a note to all you beautiful fans out there from someone who has seen her fair share of preventable concert-related emergencies: These summer temps are scary. So for anyone attending a show - any show, FOB or otherwise - stay hydrated, wear light, comfy clothing, eat something, bring drinks/snacks if you plan to queue up, wear sunscreen, protect your eyes, wear comfy shoes, never sacrifice fashion for comfort (it's absolutely not worth it), be kind to each other, take care of each other, and most importantly ... Sing until your lungs give out. 💜 xx

Thanks 😁! Twas fun

Listen to the nurse, folks! Hydrate or diedrate!

JHDSFhdfskj this was the first fob related hospital pic I found so here you go

[junebugjo]

Going to start adding others art to my queue to keep this account more active and to share with you all some of my fave artists. They will all be tagged #others art

I’ll also reblog some historical art with #art history

If you want to see my art specifically its always tagged #junebugjo art

thanks! hope you enjoy

PS if the account @aahsoka replies to you, that’s me, just my main blog because I cannot switch to this one for replies, as far as I know.

[culturalcompasswarwick]

The British Basics™

There are certain unspoken rules that are expected of the general public in the UK. Many of these rules are deemed as stereotypical—and you'll see more of them in our later blogs—but they make up an important part of our cultural identity. Just as there may be certain well known do’s and don’ts in the community you are from, Britain (and the University of Warwick, in turn), have them too. You'll see that these examples are a mix of manners and etiquette, though after all the talk from the post above, I'm sure you'll be sick of being polite soon enough.

So, here’s a lovely little list of some British basics in politeness:

Saying please and thank you: Using the words ‘please’ and ‘thank you’ are considered a universal expectation of all people here, especially when you are interacting with someone who is providing you a service; even though they are obligated to serve you, anyone taking on the role of a ‘servicer’ still has the right to being treated politely and with respect (page 36-37). Here are a few common examples: * Bus-drivers: Saying thank you to the bus driver as you get off the bus is a common and polite thing to do. You might hear some passengers call out 'cheers drive!' depending on which region of Britain you're in at the time, but it's best not to replicate this. People may think of your repetition (especially if you try to put on a British accent) as mockery, and you might be faced with some anger or confusion! * Ordering food/drink: it is polite and customary to start your order with “Please could I have…” or “May I have […], please?” and to thank the server once your food/drink is delivered. Even though it's their job, it's always nice to treat others with kindness, especially since they're also serving plenty of other people other than you! Minding your Ps and Qs here can go a long way. * People who open doors for you: These people are doing a service for you even though they’re not really obligated! And if you are in the position of being a door-opener, it’s always nice to be thanked for doing something for others, so try and do the same for those who do it for you! Just try not to spend all your time opening doors for people, most of all if you're in a rush to get to class yourself! Opening the door for the person behind you is polite enough, and the politeness carries over.

Queuing: Queuing is the British’s most obvious example of informal social order (page 1180). It’s how we keep our public spaces organised and to make sure everyone gets their turn when shopping, waiting for the bus, lining up for an appointment, waiting to enter a classroom, and many more scenarios! As such, the “rules of the waiting line” and waiting your turn is an honoured system that lots of British people take quite seriously. Line jumping or queue hopping (ignoring the queue and walking to the front or a part of the queue that is already established) is frowned upon by the British population, so try not to do it if you can (page 1182)!  If you're saving a spot for your friend, that's different (just so long as you aren't cutting into the line to THEN save a spot for your friend in the queue) as you are still holding a space in the queue and maintaining the rules of waiting your turn, so don't worry too much. But if you're queueing for food in the Library Café, or lining up to pay for your lunch at Rootes, be prepared to be standing there a WHILE...

Oversharing: “How are you?” is a question that is typically used as a greeting (page 218) rather than a genuine check-in on someone’s well being. When asked “how are you?” or “you alright?” by someone, it’s appropriate to reply with something along the lines of  “I’m good, thank you” or “I’m okay, how are you?” in order to continue the conversation. In British culture, it's customary not to share too much of your personal life with people you do not know well; talks about personal state (especially negative personal state) are reserved for friends, family, or people you consider close. When you get to know people a bit better, you can start being a little more honest about how you actually feel. When you’re conversing with strangers, though, (to save you from weird looks) avoid complaining about your landlord, your course, your lecturers, your classmates… you get the gist. Don't fret, though! This post gives you some helpful tips on conversation starts, if you're stuck.

Saying sorry: Sorry that I didn’t mention this earlier! British people are stereotypically known for saying sorry for everything, but the word ‘sorry’ can mean much more than just an apology! In this post, we expand on the word ‘sorry’ and how it is used in many ways in British culture. It’s a little confusing at first, but with practice, you’ll get the hang of it. 

Punctuality: Generally, it is considered polite and respectful to arrive at an event on time (and in most cases, a few minutes early). Some people even hold the belief that ‘if you’re on time, you’re late!’. British people value their time and don’t like having to wait, and this carries over to lectures, seminars, meetings and other social events. In this post, we talk a bit more on what is expected of you at university if you’re late to an event, or know you won’t be able to attend it.

It’s a good idea to keep these in mind during your study time at Warwick, otherwise you may get some angry glares or disapproving looks! There isn’t anything ‘wrong’ with the way in which you know how to be polite and follow etiquette, it just may be the case that cultural values and norms here in Britain differ from the ones you may be accustomed to. If all else fails and you are still unsure about what to do on campus, asking friends, other students or staff to clarify for you is totally okay and usually helps to clear up any confusion. 

Now go forth, in a timely manner, and be sorry, orderly and reserved about your personal life! (only half joking, there)

[misha-moose-dean-burger-lover]

where have you been?? are things ok

i've been around-ish? it's kinda been a hectic couple of days, that's all. but yep, things are fine! how are you?

[jellycatstuffies]

Autism Service Dog For Victor

This has nothing to do with Jellycats so feel free to not read: Now that I am starting university next week and never reached my goal to start the process of getting my own autism service dog I want to bring this back.

Some of you may remember my campaign to eventually be able to pay for my future service dog. I had planned to have the dog at least in training by the time I started university again, but as no charities or other support groups replied to my requests for help and I was and still am in financial trouble because of my parents not supporting me, I am forced to start school without a service dog. (this is complicated by the fact that one of my fellow students who I will have to see a lot actually has a service dog (albeit not an autism service dog) which is bittersweet and, quite honestly, heartbreaking for me)

Below is the link to my Go-Fund-Me campaign. All the money I receive through my Ko-fi will also go towards this goal.

Please consider donating or sharing on here and anywhere else you might think useful!

Thank you so much.

- Victor

PS: Due to starting university next week I may be less active on here but the queue will run as always!

[antoniosvivaldi]

may i ask how you did the lettering ( ??? like how they moved ) on post/130337744739/you-were-r-e-d-and-you-liked-me-cause-i-was-b

Hi Menal! Apologies for the late reply & thank you so much for asking. I used Adobe After Effects to create the text layers for the gifs from this set. 

In this tutorial, I’ll show you how I’ve integrated After Effects / Photoshop workflow to implement animated text in my gifs:

Prepare your gif

Animate your text layer

Add animated text to your gif

What you need & need to know:

Softwares: Photoshop and After Effects 

Difficulty: Advanced; Knowledge in giffing & using video timeline interface features assumed.

Key concepts: Video timeline (PS & AE) / Keyframes (AE) / Animation Presets (AE)

Supplementary files: tutorial resources

Tutorial under the cut. Like/reblog if you find this useful.

1) Photoshop: Prepare your gif

Capture your gif using the usual way. Details on how I’ve personally prepare to prepare my gifs can be found in the first section of this post.

To quickly convert your gif to Video Timeline interface, import “gif prep.atn” to your Photoshop and play “convert to timeline” (highlighted in red in the screenshot)

This is what my gif looks like in the Video Timline interface.

Then I coloured my gif using various adjustment layers. 

Because using many adjustment layers / groups causes import issues in After Effects (which we’ll use later on), I flatten the coloured gif back into frames. This can be done by playing “flatten” from my action (highlighted in green below).

Playing the flattening action takes you back to the Animation Frame interface. Make sure all frames are set to the same frame delay and convert the coloured gif back to the Video Timeline interface by playing “convert to timeline” from my action (highlighted in red).

Back in the Video Timeline interface, add some text layer onto your gif & make sure that it’s the same length as your gif.

And voila! You’ve prepared your gif. This will be the file that you import to After Effects. 

2) After Effects: Animate your text layer

The gist here is to use After Effects to animate the text layer that you’ve just added. 

Open After Effects and Import (Ctrl/Cmmd + I) the gif composition file that you’ve just prepared. 

This is the Import settings that I use.

The gif composition that I’ve imported is now displayed in After Effect’s Project panel. Double click on your composition (highlighted in green) to preview the composition.

This is what the After Effects interface looks like. If you are new to After Effects, I recommend watching this video (it summarises the common terminologies you’ll come acros in the software).

Before you animate the text layer (highlighted in red), you need to convert this to an editable text on After Effects. Right click on your text layer and select “Convert to Editable Text”.

Go to Window > Effects & Presets to open up the panel. For this tutorial I went to *Animation Presets > Text > Organic. The preset that I’ve used for the gif is titled Hummingbird.

Drag the preset onto your text layer

Select your text layer and press U to display the keyframes. You’ll see something like this in the timeline.

N.B. If you’re new to After Effects, this post provides basic workflow tricks / shortcuts and read Adobe’s official guide for more info about keyframes. 

Now comes the fun part: modifying the keyframes and play around with different animation properties until you’re happy with the animation.

For this tutorial gif, I just altered the duration of the start / end keyframes.

Then to add the fade out transition (seen in the final frames the sample gif), I press “T” and add Opacity keyframes (by clicking the timer button)

Jump forward by a few more frames and change the opacity value to 0%. This will automatically create another opacity keyframe.

To add motion blur, just enable Motion blur in your composition & apply it to the Editable Text. (both highlighted in red below)

Once you’re satisfied with the animation, hide everything but the text layer. 

Go to File > Export > Add to Render Queue, to render you video. You’ll be directed to the “Render Queue” panel. 

Highlighted in red: click to change export setings

Highlighted in green: click to change save destination

Highlited in yellow: click to render video

To attain transparent background in the video (that only contains the animated text), change the Export Setting to “RGB + Alpha”. Press Ok, and render the video.

3) Photoshop: Add your animated text layer to your final gif

Your animated text is the video file that you’ve just rendered on After Effects. The basic idea is to add this video into your gif composition.

On Photoshop, open the gif composition file that you’ve originally prepared (before you animated your text layer).

Go to your folder, drag the animated text you’ve made on After Effects to the top layer of your composition, then press Enter. 

Make sure their times are lined up!

Resize your composition to Tumblr dimensions & sharpen your base gif, if you haven’t already done it earlier on. Afterwards, export your gif to web (make sure your gif size is within 10MB).

And voila! Here’s the final exported gif with the animated text effect :D

If you need assistance or have any questions related to this tutorial, feel free to send me an ask!

[jacqueswriteblrlibrary]

Hello Writeblr! Updated!*

This is a blog with both reblogged Writing Advice, & reblogged Writing from Writeblrs!

I want to create a library of writeblrs where we can all connect and find eachother so we can make more mutuals in genres that we enjoy !

Add me to your taglists / DM me links

I will only reblog if they include somewhere:

Your WIP TITLE

Your GENRES (so I can tag it!)

For easy access, I will tag:

WIP: (your WIP name)

(genres)

(tropes if available)

(your url)

Here is what I will reblog / add to queue

WIP Intros

Character Introductions

Snippets of your work

Note: If your post is liked by @jacquessayshello, it has been added to this account's queue

But I need some things from you guys!

Follow me so that my reblogged writing does not fall on an empty audience! You can also stay for the reblogged writing advice! I will have a good mixture of both!

Engage! Look for the genre tags I use! (For example, search fantasy and you'll find all the fantasy writeblrs I've reblogged!)

Be the support you want others to give you! You'll get it back and make friends, and form a community!

.

If you are on the hunt for mutuals / writeblrs that work in your genres... This is how I recommend navigating this blog:

go to my search bar.

search the genre you want (for example #fantasy)

scroll through the work you find (you will see WIP intros, and snippets)

if you find a writeblr that catches your eye. Their URL will be tagged. I recommend you do the following:

(1) search their url here to find more information.

Or, skip to (2) go to their writeblr! Check out their work! Make a friend!

Everyone here is eager to make more mutuals!

.

Note: here is a writeblr blog directory that already exists

.

Thank you, and I look forward to further engagement from all of you guys, Jacques (:

Ps.

My main is @jacquessayshello, so there might be replies from that account 🙌

If you want to support me and my writing, my writeblr is @bloodlessheirbyjacques !

[kobithedragon]

Yet another essay about tumblr (originally intended to be sent as an ask to @cyle but I decided to just post it here instead).

ps: I have a #tumblr tag for more meta-commentary (although if you scroll far down enough there's a very long and annoying essay I wrote that nobody really needs to read)

I did a meta-commentary tumblr meme thing for u and the team I hope u like it ʕ•ᴥ•ʔ

There's good n bad of both sides of course, I just had this idea for a meme because there's a clear dichotomy between the different social platforms in our current day and age due to the ageing of the internet, and this'll only get more interesting as the internet ages further. Tumblr seems to be at somewhat of a fork in the road after Yahoo thought they were Facebook and bought x trendy social platform(s) to stay relevant after years of decline. However, unlike Facebook with Instagram, over the years Yahoo failed to adapt the once trendy flickr & tumblr to new trends such as the switch to smartphones (Instagram is a smartphone app before anything else) or the rise of video-based content (IGTV and now reels) and the ever increasing lean on social features rather than blogging features (Instagram's story replies leading to direct conversation rather than more forum-like reblogging to a thread).

Anyway, I'm glad Yahoo left tumblr virtually untouched besides a few tweaks and oversights that shrunk the traffic. A huge userbase at the cost of being like Instagram? Heck, ban whatever you like, but don't close the api. Tumblr is tumblr because I can thoroughly explore without an algorithm (thanks via chain!), I can reshare permanently (thanks reblogs!) and consistently and not sporadically (thanks queue!) to a publicly viewable and paginated archive without breaking any sort of links to the communities I shared from (thanks the via chain again!), I can do all this on whichever 3rd party software I choose with whichever features I want, aaaand I can annoy people in the dashboard by writing huge essays without a read more section. And we can all make a ridiculously long reblog chain together. At least to me, that's what tumblr is. Freedom to explore and express. No matter how tight the guidelines become due to everyone's least favourite fruit, who also claims to be the arbiter of the direct word of God (perhaps you've seen the post floating around where Apple disallows incorrect interpretations of religious scripture even though scholars have been arguing over what it all really means for quite some time now), the core mechanics of the tumblr platform allow for so much expression and diversity to be aggregated by everyone.

While tumblr isn't quite as "specialised" as flickr or "underground" like are.na, it has way more of an identity than Facebook. There's no such thing as a "Facebook user" because everyone is a Facebook user. It's the same with Instagram, and even Pinterest. Everyone uses them because they appeal to everyone. And that's fine of course, because tumblr also wants to appeal to a diverse community. But they don't have their unique charm like tumblr does. Lesser known platforms have a charm. Platforms with niche features that don't exist just for user engagement and profit but instead for the sake of a higher purpose. Older platforms have a charm. Those that are both unknown/declining and relics have survived because they weren't shut down when they stopped being profitable or easy to run like Google+ was for example. They keep going because they're precious and important to their userbase. Tumblr doesn't wake up every morning because it's easy, it does it because it must! You guys have been through a ridiculous amount but you're still going strong. Alternatives need to exist. And they were made because the internet is exciting, not because the internet is profitable. To quote Porcupine Tree's "The Sound of Muzak":

Hear the sound of music

Drifting in the aisles

Elevator Prozac

Stretching on for miles

The music of the future

Will not entertain

It's only meant to repress

And neutralize your brain

Soul gets squeezed out

Edges get blunt

Demographic

Gives what you want

One of the wonders of the world is going down

It's going down I know

It's one of the blunders of the world that no-one cares

No-one cares enough

Now the sound of music

Comes in silver pills

Engineered to suit you

Building cheaper thrills

The music of rebellion

Makes you want to rage

But it's made by millionaires

Who are nearly twice your age

One of the wonders of the world is going down

It's going down I know

It's one of the blunders of the world that no-one cares

No-one cares enough

If we replace "music" with "social media" we get a profoundly accurate description of our current situation - predicted back in 2002 while Geocities was still cool. But I know that whatever tumblr does, whether it adds stories or reels ("takes"?) or whatever the next big thing is, or even if it invents something completely different, it'll still be tumblr. It's a tough world out there with all these social media giants swallowing up the userbases of their still living ancestors and their exciting alternatives. I have a lot of respect to you guys for keeping this ship afloat. I hope you can break even someday. I wish you the best:)

Ps: this is really very long, so you don't have to worry about posting it or anything. It started off as "hey there's an idea for a meme" and sorta just became "oh man. I got so carried away and here I am 4 hours later re reading this for the 50th time". Also I'm too lazy to rewrite the meme now but I kinda want to reword some stuff like "aggressive monetisation" in regards to Instagram and Facebook just means like the whole privacy Ad scandal, which of course tumblr has nothing to do with, and then there's paying for features that have been taken away which is at the opposite end of the spectrum but I guess can also be interpreted as "aggressive monetisation" right? I mean are.na has no commercialisation whatsoever, it's tiny and probably covers it's tiny server costs thanks to subscribers and investors and flickr has a tonne of photos it needs to store (well, less now unfortunately but it's still probably an insane amount, all that internet history) and it's overt about how much money it's losing but then there's the 100 year thing which seems cool, I just hope enough people are subbed to Flickr pro and they're getting enough revenue from those ads💔. Anyway so tumblr has done neither of these things yet, it's not advertiser friendly and it's not paywalling any features that should really be free (are.na isn't usable with a 200 post (aka block) limit. It really isn't. 4 days later and I'm 200 blocks in - not making any new connections. It's very unhealthy for the platform to restrict it's core feature and stunt the growth of archives. It's actually very heartbreaking because there would be so many more connections, so many more channels, so much more to explore. There should never be a limit on that stuff in my opinion, especially on are.na)..Yes there's a store now and the shopping cart skeleton dude (actually seeing that is what inspired me to do this in the first place, it was just interesting and cute) which is something are.na would probably never do but I'm not sure if it can be compared to the Facebook marketplace but I have no idea where any of this is headed but I'm excited because where does tumblr fit in the social media dichotomy as we accelerate into a rapidly changing future of the internet? Only time will tell. Truly fascinating platform.

[i-like-sparkly-things]

Beautiful?

A Halstead!Sister

'But they don't know. They don't know what it's like to be you. They didn't know what it was like to wake up everyday, to a body you never asked for.

A body nobody wanted.'

Warnings : eating disorder, body insecurities, body dismorphia

Requested : Yup, by anon , 'could u do a fic where she has an eating disorder? and doesn’t tell jay but then one day she passes out at school and has to tell him?'

Word count : 1.7k

Note : this took too long I don't know why 😭but yall Guess who's thankful that yall bear with my English ? me. :) and ps this is my first request!! And yall please please know that all of you are so freaking beautiful and worth fighting for. Know that you are loved and it is never, ever weak to ask for help.

**************************

The constant pain and sleepless nights were paying off. Your eyes sparkled when you saw your new numbers. It was working.

You took your diary, crossing out breakfast on the to do list after eating a banana.

This was going to be simple. check what you eat, check your weight and repeat . You knew that if you tried really hard, you would be the one in control.

Control. That's all you wanted. Such an easy, yet painful thing.

You looked to the mirror, as your hands hovered over your ribs sticking to the skin . You'd never felt so beautiful in your life. But your eyes roamed down to your thighs. The flesh of your legs were touching. It wasn't enough.

It was never enough.

'' Y/n , come on ! Move your ass! I need to get to work!! '' Jay shouted for you, from downstairs.

'' Shut uppp I'm comingg'', you yelled back.

Ever since your mom had died, dad always kept to himself leading you to stay with your brothers. It had become a routine. Jay  would drop you off at school and Annie's mom would give you a ride home.

Lucky for you , Jay was constantly busy with cases. He hadn't noticed your new diet or the mood swings.

**************************

Your teacher had started the lesson. And slowly you sensed something wrong. Your head was pounding. God why is she so blurry? You look to Anne sitting next to you and she's Blurry too. You felt your body giving up to the swaying ground.

'' y/n!! '' Annie shreiked as your limp body crashed to the floor.

****************************

'' Chuckles!? '' Trudy called out,climbing the stairs to intelligence. "Do I look like a cocktail waitress to you? Where have you been??"

"Morning to you too, sarge" Jay sighed. "and its detective"

" Well , Detective , Y/n fainted at school and wanted you to pick her up"

"What ?" he asked shocked, aldready beginning to pick up his jacket.

"Sarge" he said, looking to Voight for approval, although he would leave nonetheless. "Go."

*****************************

"Mr. Halstead" the school nurse addressed him, as he entered the clinic.

"Call me jay. Y/n, are you okay? what the hell happened?" he asked you worried.

You had never fainted before and apart from the flu every couple of years, you had a clean bill of health, as far as he knew.

"Jay, I promise I'm fine. Just got a little dizzy, that's all" you answered knowing how overprotective he can get. Now all you could hope for was that he would let this slide.

"I tried getting some food in her but she told me she was fine" the nurse explained to Jay.

God No. the the salad she offered you had so many calories.  you had made too much progress nothing was going to stop you especially a simple fainting episode. It was a minor setback but you were sure you could continue your weight loss diet.

" What, WHY? " he questioned, but just  as you were thinking of a better reply " You know what, I'm gonna take her home." he interrupted your thoughts as he spoke to the nurse.

" Only if you are sure, you're good"

" I am Jay. One hundred percent." you replied, happy to skip the rest of the school day.

It's not like you've been paying attention any ways. You'd zone out a lot during class and  your constant hunger and cramps didn't help either. But you drowned these feelings away with small sips of water and occasional slices of cucumbers.

You Craved the Emptiness. the feeling of being lighter. The feeling of being....... perfect. It was intoxicating.

Taking your school bag, Jay wrapped a study arm around your shoulders , guiding you through the school corridors and towards his truck.

"God, I can't wait to go to bed", You said climbing the truck and fastening your seat belt.

"Yeah right. I'm taking you to med" he stated. "WHAT? Jay, what the hell ? I told you, I'm fine!!"

You knew Will was working and didn't want either of your brothers to know about your new diet or how much weight you had lost. It was too late to quit. The disgusting image in the mirror was slowly getting better..... getting thinner, prettier.

"You've never fainted before Y/n, and I promise I'll get Will to run the exams and do all the tests" he assured you.

****************************

"Y/n, I thought I told you I never wanted to see you here again.", Maggie greeted, pointing a finger at you.

"Awwww  but I missed you", you pouted, " No don't do that. your brother's waiting in treatment room 3 so you better get going." she instructed and you dropped your school bag near the nurses station.

You and Jay enter the room, to a very worried Will. "Y/n, what happened?" he asked , gesturing you to sit on the bed.

"did you hit your head when you fell? Did you fall in the bathroom or something like that?", he continued, not giving you time to answer.

"what did the nurses say? are you stressed about school?" " Will-", you interrupted his rambling " I'm fine, just..... got a little dizzy."

You watched , as he took his pen light to your eyes. "Ah! Will, stop!!" You said, trying and failing to refrain him.

"You know, it'll be easier if you stop squirming" Jay commented with a smug smile. "Your not going anywhere"

"Shut up" you groaned.

You need to get out of here. What if they gave you food. What if they found out you were hungry all the time. They'd never stop making fun of you. They'd tell you that you were overreacting and that all this was so unnecessary.

But they didn't know. They didn't know what it was like to be you. They didn't have floppy arms or fleshy thighs. They didn't know what it was like to wake up everyday, to a body you never asked for. A body nobody wanted.

******************************

"Jay" Will called out, seeing him outside your room. It had been a couple of hours since you were bought in.

Will had ordered some tests, being the ass he was.

Wonderful. You just hoped that all the tests would be normal and you could get the hell out of there.

"yeah man? just needed to text Hailey, Why, what's wrong?" Jay asked, studying the worried expression on his brother's face

"It's Y/n. "

***************************

You were fiddling with the hem of your t-shirt when your brother's walked in, staring at you, as if you were a ghost.

"Y/n," Jay croaked out his voice laced with dread, "how long?"

No. No. No. This can't be happening. God, you knew that they were going to hate you forever.

"what the are you talking about?" you needed to try to get them to back away."Is something wrong?"

They were standing on either side of your bed. Jay came closer and sat down on your right the beside your knees, eyes never leaving yours.

"Your tests-" Will started, "They came back showing you have severe deficiencies. That your body is struggling to survive. That it's not getting enough food." he broke away from your gaze.

"We um-" Jay, as if almost on queue, continued."We looked through your school bag and found your diary. "

You sucked in a sharp breath and shook your head. No. He knew. They knew.

All your calorie counts, the amount of calories you can have in a day, your research on diets, workouts, to do lists, hell, even your Period Tracker was written down. (although you barely had it anymore)

That book was the reason you were finally becoming happy with yourself. Your body.

'I'm sorry', you mouthed "I'm so, so sorry" This was it. Your voice hitched, as tears flowed down your cheeks. "I was finally happy"

In an instant, your brothers were by your side.

Jay engulfed you into his chest, your words circling his mind. 'Finally?' God, you lived together! You were his sister! His baby sister! How could he have let this happen to you? How could he not have noticed that you were drowning? That you were starving yourself. What kind of brother was he?

Will rubbed your back, until your sobs became quieter. He was a doctor. A damn doctor! God knows how long this has been going on, but at the end of the day.... he failed. He failed to be there,..... when you needed him.

"Y/n, you don't have to do this. You're beautiful Y/n. You really are. And I'm sorry that anyone else has convinced in otherwise" Jay breathed out, hoping you heard him, in his embrace.

"It felt good, Jay" your voice was muffled by his shirt, but to your brothers, your voice was loud and clear.

"Did it?" You turned to Will, "Did the hunger feel good?" his heart broke saying the words out loud.

'Yes', you wanted to answer. Of course it felt good. You were getting so many compliments from your friends at school. Boys started acknowledging you now.

It was like you finally existed. You felt...... worthy.

But with all the strength you could muster up, you couldn't get the words out. Because there was always one voice that told you to quit. The voice you'd been drowning out for so long. The voice that told you, that you were in fact, beautiful.

Your mother's.

"No" you said, realizing that Will had tears in his eyes as well.

But you couldn't find a hint of shame in them, no matter how much you searched. Instead, you were met with the immense worry and guilt of your brother.

"We can help, Y/n" Will said, as he took your hand in his, "We will help and we'll be there every step of the way."

"Every step" Jay assured and you turned to him. "All you need to do, is let us in"

You weren't prepared for this. You had no idea what to say.

You didn't want to feel tired all the time, always craving for food. But the idea of going back - back to all that shame - that's what scared you.

"Y/n," Will spoke up, seeing as you were struggling to answer, "I promise you, we are going to make you feel better...... and we'll fight those thoughts of yours together."

You took a shaky breath.

Thoughts.

Your thoughts.

You had let them consume you for a long time now. Too long. maybe..... Maybe the right voice to follow, was your mothers'. "okay-" you sobbed, "okay", and once again you found yourself in Jay's arms.

You, clinging to him like your life depended on it and him holding you tight, because it did. His hand rested on your head, tangled with your hair.

Will saw a tear make its way down his brothers cheek, something he hasn't witnessed often.

Your brothers sat silently, listening to you cry. Taking in the conversation, only having a glimpse of the pain you were in.

You had a long, long road ahead but as you sat in your brother arms, you felt a sense of peace, comfort maybe.

******************************

Masterlist

[akindplace]

Also I can't reply messages because besides not sleeping for two days and being very dizzy from the migraines I am also heavily medicated and it is making me extra dizzy and sleepy. I am having a hard time typing, reading, walking and remembering things right now. So I know my replies would probably be full of typos or make absolutely no sense. Please don't think I don't care.

I will try to answer when my brain is less foggy.

This post itself took a long time to write because I am so embarrassed of typos. And English is not my first language so misspelling happens easier. I want to write replies that make sense... and so far I went to the kitchen 3 times but forgot what I was going to get there.

And then I remembered, I wasn't supposed to be in the kitchen, but I was supposed to go on a small closet we have to get a pillowcase. lol I believe this explains how tired I am.

Lots of love, and thank you so much for your cute messages wishing me well! ♥️♥️♥️

Liv.

PS.: Queue is on. Everything being posted from now on is the queue doing its thing.

[demeter1111]

I’m going to share a little something with all of you. Some days I am here all day long. I have multiple chronic illnesses and I have had two organ transplants. I always have a queue and drafts just in case I can’t be here. Lately I’ve been here a lot because I am sick again. I have flare ups and some days are good - some not so good. I have had some complications from the transplants. This is my escape. I try not to post anything political or much about chronic illness. I can do that on Twitter. I may start another blog for chronic illness. I am unsure yet if I’ll be able to until I get better. If I don’t answer messages or reply to you it’s most likely because I’m not here. I also don’t always have the energy to hold a conversation, but I will always do my best. I want to thank you all for bringing me peace, art, music, poetry, movies, laughs. etc. and for your kindness. I appreciate you all. I feel like I know some of you in some way even if we’ve never spoken. It’s what I like about being here. Thank you. Stay well and safe. Peace to all of you. 💜🕊✨

PS- When I’m here all day, I can’t possibly post everything I want. I think it would be too much. I am glad they’ve increased the queue so I don’t lose everything in drafts anymore. 😅