#proceed to look in the mirror questioning why i can’t write like that 100% of the time

[thedeerman]

sometimes i read what i write and go ‘eh, could use a lil work’ and then other times i read what i write and go ‘DAMN if it wasn’t me having to write it i’d read the SHIT outta this’

[thiskingdomwillendure]

Body & Soul

A/N: Uhhh, hi!! I've been writing since I was little, but I've never done something quite like this before, nor have I ever posted anything like this online.

Anyway! This is an Orochimaru x transmasc-nonbinary!Reader fic for @crybaby-writings, based on their post here . I hope this is okay, and I'm sorry it took me so long to post it!! Please note that Orochimaru is non-binary, so they/them pronouns are used. ****TW: descriptions of gender dysphoria, self-mutilation (maybe?), chest binding, binding too much, panic attack, allusions to human experimentation.... I think that's it, but please let me know if I need to add more!****** ~ Body & Soul, 1290 words You had been standing in front of the mirror for nearly an hour already. A deep frown was etched across your face as you stared at your body, more than displeased by what you saw.

Nothing matched. Everything was wrong. A wave of heat crashed over you. No, no, no, no, no. Your breathing came in gasps. Wrong, everything was wrong, you were wrong, your life was wrong. I can’t breathe. No, no, no, no, no, no – I can’t breathe – Your vision was tunneling; the black at the edges was creeping closer and closer to the center – you were dizzy, and hot and cold at the same time – you wanted to run, but there was nowhere to go, and you were rooted to the spot anyway. With a choked sob, you crashed to your knees on the floor. I am going to pass out. Or die. Your breathing was faster and much harder than necessary. You squeezed your eyes shut tight and wrapped the towel tighter around yourself. Your pulse was increasing rapidly – you were choking now –

Something cool moved under your hands. Your e/c eyes snapped open and you were face to face with a white snake, whose tongue was flicking over the tears that stained your face.

“Hi,” you croaked.

The snake blinked.

You cleared your throat. “Sorry. I’m fine.”

The snake reared and looked at you as if to say, you’re kidding, right?

You sighed and stroked the snake, who had draped themselves over your abdomen. “Did they send you?”

The snake hissed and nudged your chin with its head.

“Figures. They always know.” Your small smile was fond as you thought of your spouse. “Where are they?”

The snake merely stared at you.

“Lab. Right. Where else would they be?” You got up off the floor and patted the snake’s head as its lower body slid off you. “Thanks again.”

The snake blinked and slithered away.

You got dressed, opting to wear one of your spouse’s shirts (it nearly reached your knees, but you didn’t much care at this point) and an old, holey pair of pants. Comfort was what you were seeking, and you’d be damned if anyone bothered you about it.

As you walked through the long corridors of the hideout, you wondered what your spouse was working on now. They hadn’t spent much time with you over the past few weeks; you knew that they were training the Uchiha boy, but you hadn’t expected that the training would take up all of their time. The Uchiha had arrived about a year ago. His attitude made you want to slap the taste out of his mouth. However, you refrained from getting involved. You knew full well why your spouse had marked the boy, and you weren’t about to get in their way – especially since the Uchiha would ensure that you would have them with you for years to come.

You walked into the lab silently. Kabuto was looking into a microscope. Your spouse was leaning over a faceless corpse with their back to you. Neither of them looked up, but you knew that your spouse sensed your presence when their shoulders seemed to relax.

“Hello, dear.” Their voice soothed your nerves.

“Hi….” You came up behind them and rested your cheek on their back.

Their shoulders stiffened momentarily – they were working, after all – but they relaxed again a few seconds later. “What is troubling you?”

“Just….” You weren’t sure what to say. My dysphoria is so bad that I want to cut the fat bags off my chest myself. I can’t stand my hips and want to cut those off, too. While I’m at it, I’d also like to go ahead and hack off the roundness of my jaw to make it more masculine. You closed your eyes and gripped their shirt tightly.

“Kabuto, get out.” Orochimaru’s tone left no room for argument.

“Yes, Orochimaru-sama.” You heard Kabuto’s footsteps, heard the door open and close, and then there was silence.

Orochimaru backed away from the slab, prompting you to let go and move away. They disposed of their gloves, washed their hands, and then finally turned to face you.

You smiled a little. “Hi.”

“Come here.”

You walked over and immediately wrapped your arms around them, settling your head against their chest. You could hear their heartbeat, and it stopped the anxiety that was building again in its tracks.

Their arms came around you. “What is troubling you, my dear?”

“The usual,” you muttered. “It’s just… really bad today. For some reason. I don’t know why. I saw my reflection when I got out of the shower and I just….” Your voice stopped working.

Orochimaru gently tilted your head up. Your eyes met, gold against y/e/c, and they placed a cool hand against your cheek. “Growing it out?” they asked softly, referring to the y/h/c hair that was lining your jaws and upper lip.

“Yeah,” you sighed. “It’s about the only thing that helps right now.”

Their thumb stroked your cheek. “Ribs aching?”

“Yes.” Your tone was bitter. “I’ll have to stop binding completely soon, I think.” You closed your eyes. “That’s going to be awful.”

Orochimaru was quiet. Their other hand came up and was lightly tracing your ribs. When you flinched, they settled their hand on your hip and brushed their lips across your forehead. “I… am sorry that I haven’t spent much time with you lately.”

“It’s all right, I know you’re busy.” You frowned and looked up at them. They weren’t the type to offer apologies. “Orochi—”

“I have been working on something for you.” They were watching your expression carefully. “Your dysphoria has been getting worse and worse. I cannot stand by and watch you suffer any longer.”

You blinked. “Okay…?”

“When you married me, y/n….” They had a faraway look in their eyes. “I—”

“—Orochi, you don’t have to say—”

“Hush,” they said, placing a finger to your lips.

You fell silent.

“I cannot… will not… sit and watch as my spouse is destroyed by a body that does not match their soul.” Their left hand took yours, their thumb brushing over the simple band on your fourth finger. “It is my job to care for you.”

“You do,” you blurted but they arched an eyebrow and you immediately closed your mouth again.

“You are not hearing me,” Orochimaru said quietly. “I can help you. I have been working day and night in order to do so.”

You stared at them for a moment and then your gaze cut to the faceless body on the table. Not only was their no face…but there were no features at all. No hair, no marks – nothing. The body was essentially a blank canvass….

Your mind raced and put two and two together very quickly.

“That’s my body,” you whispered.

“Yes.” Orochimaru’s hand tightened around yours. “It is yours, should you want it.”

You had so many questions, but you trusted your spouse – mind, body, and soul, you trusted them and loved them – and so you looked up at them, stood on your toes, and kissed them soundly. When you parted for air, Orochimaru’s forehead was leaning against yours, his hands at your waist.

“Would you like to proceed?”

“Yes, please,” you whispered.

The corners of their mouth tilted up into a small smile.

“I love you,” you told them.

“Oh, my dear. If only you knew.” They kissed your forehead and then slid out of your arms and went to the door.

“I think I do know,” you said as you watched them.

They flashed you a toothy grin over their shoulder and then wrenched the door open. “Kabuto!” they snapped. “Get the equipment… it’s time.” ~ I 100% believe that Orochimaru would only show their soft side with their significant other (and even then, it would take a lot of time and patience to get to that point).

A/N: So uhhh... yeah. That's that. Uh, if you want more let me know? I guess I'll take requests? Idk wtf I'm doing honestly please be kind haha

[youralternantpersonality]

Please Take Me

Please Take Me

 Request: Yes by anon. Embry Call x Reader: Hi! Could I please have a request where Embry saves the reader’s life, and in doing so imprints on them?

 A/n: It’s been a minute since I wrote something. So, thank you to whoever requested this! I hope it is what you wanted, and I hope you like it. This request helped me remember what I miss and enjoyed the most about writing. So, double thank you, my love!

Enjoy!

***

You know how they say, always pay attention to your surroundings. Especially at night. And if you're a female (even though it does happen to males too). Yeah, well, guess who decided to not pay attention exiting the grocery store after my shift. My boss, Lenny, asked if he could walk me to my car and I refused. One, because he’s kind of creepy—he’s nice, but he just looks at you like he’s shocked at something. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him blink at least 3 times in a conversation I had with him. But secondly, I was exhausted.

I had 3 Karen’s and their husband Bob come into the store to complain about the quality of the meat, the long lines, or just because I had an “attitude.” And of course, I had to kick out at least an additional 4 people for not wearing a mask.

“It’s my right as an individual to not wear one.” Yeah, Dick and Barbra, it’s also my right to kick your ass.

“We have the right to not serve you, so go put on a mask or don’t come back. I simply don’t care.” I turn to the phone to make an announcement. “Security, please come to the front. We have a D.A.A.M.” D.A.A.M—Dumb Ass Anti-Maskers. But yeah, my day, like most days, was just peachy.

I always park my car on the side of the parking lot. Right next to the exit way and within eyesight of the security footage. I was halfway there where suddenly, I was pushed to the ground. I looked around and saw no one or thing around. So, I calmly got up, and I can feel the hair on the back of my neck stand up. I sprint to my car and unlock it. As I get in, I take a breather and turn on my car. I look in my rearview mirror, and I see dark red eyes looking back at me. Neither one of us moved. You know how you’re in so much shocked as something that if you look away, you’ll be afraid you’ll never see it again or you question if you ever saw it.

Yeah, that’s what is happening now. Neither of us blinked, moved, or exhaled. It wasn’t until a creepy smile formed on its face that I reacted. Before I could scream or move towards the door, they had their hand wrapped around my mouth.

“Drive, and don’t do anything stupid little one.” I nod my head and slowly drive off back towards my home near La Push but just beyond Forks' line. I slowly drive to buy myself some time to find an escape. But apparently, he already knew what I was thinking.

“Don’t even think about it, my little rabbit. Take a left up here.” I follow his orders, and he leads me to a wooded area. I park my car close to the street, and we get out and head towards the woods. I’m not sure how far we’ve gotten, but I know as I look around, all I see is darkness, tall trees, and I can’t hear the passing cars on the main road.

“Let’s play a game, shall we?” he says, squeezing my arm, whispering into my ear. I look up at him, and he smiles and chuckles.

“Don’t worry, my little rabbit, we’re just going to play a nice game of ‘Hound and the Heir.’ You know that child game. Do you know or remember how to play?” he says, circling me. I nod my head, yes, tears coming down my face, not excited for what’s going to happen next.

“Good! How about I be generous and let my little heir go first. Ready…” I know I’m not going to make it.

“Set…” I say a quick prayer.

“GO!” I take off. Not sure where I’m going, not sure what direction I’m heading. All I know is, it’s better than where I was before. In the meantime, I scream and cry for help.

“HELP! SOMEONE HELP ME!” I scream into the night—to no one. I hear the demon’s laugh around me. I don’t know where but I try to push myself more to get out of here. It wasn’t until I felt a pair of hands push me into a tree as I was jumping over its root. I slam my right shoulder and scream in pain. The bastard grabs me, lifts me up effortlessly, and tosses me to the ground, landing on the same shoulder. This time, I heard a pop.

Like the Hound he is, he creeps up to me, and just as he is close, he lifts his head and looks behind me, and backs away. I look behind me and see giant wolves breaking through the trees, growling.

“Son of a bitch…” he says and takes off. They all go after him, except for the silver-white wolf. She stays behind and looks at me. She waits until a big black, dark brown and a dark silver wolf comes back. Three other figures come out as men. What the fuck is happening?

“Don’t worry, you’re okay. We’re going to take you back to our place and get you cleaned up.” Says the smaller one with the babyface. I just want to pinch his cheeks.

“Like hell you are! Who the fuck are you guys?! What the fuck just happened? I just got kidnapped, and all of a sudden, I’m supposed to be okay and just allow a set of random strangers to take me again?” What kind of backward hell is this?

“We promise, we’re not going to hurt you.” Says the leaner one, I turn to him to say a snarky remark, but it gets caught in my throat. Hot fucking damn… “Be cool bitch, be cool…wait…”

“There's 4 wolves and 3 shirtless guys. What combination of that says ‘safe’ to you?” I ask him. Instead of giving me an answer, he just stares at me. I look at the others as they're looking at him. The babyface one and another one that resembles a chipmunk starts laughing, and the wolves look irritated or unbothered. Regardless, I move to get up but end up falling.

“FUCK! SON OF A BITCH! My ankle!” I say, staying on the ground, trying to cradle my shoulder while trying to not put pressure on my right ankle. It seemed that’s when Mr. Fuck Me woke from his daydream and came over to me.

“Here, let’s get you to Emily’s house.” then proceeds to effortlessly lift me up as if I am a feather.

“Holy shit, you're strong…don’t fucking drop me.” He smiles down at me and laughs,

“I promise I won't.” He turns to everyone, “We’ll see you guys there. Yes, Leah, stay behind.” He says, talking to the white wolf.

“Great, I’m stuck with a psycho who talks to animals… What is this? The Wild Thornberry’s?” I look around. He smiles,

“Naw, let’s just say you’re life is about to get interesting, cutie.” He says, then smiles and winks at me. Um, sir…please fuck me.

~~~

“And that’s it,” Embry says nervously.

“That’s it?” I asked, questioning as if what he told me was enough to not have a billion questions.

“Yep.” I shake my head.

“How does it work? Does it hurt?” he smiled,

“Yeah, at first it did, but it gets better over time. You should see us when we first phase. You know how when a baby deer or giraffe is born, they can barely stand, and they wobble all over the place. That’s what happens to us. Only we’re over six feet with big heads.”

“Speak for yourself. Paul's head is the biggest.” Jared says, interrupting us. We were at Sam and Emily’s house, and it had been a month since the terrible day in the woods. Embry brought me back here with Leah to get cleaned up. Ever since, he never left my side…not that I was complaining. It was just weird; I never had or even actually wanted someone to be around like he is. Hell, I can barely stand to be around my own family.

“Anyways, you’re giving me a ride one of these days.”

“Not while you’re hurt…” Embry said in a monotonous stern voice…Zaddy. Let me stop…

“Fair enough. Now, is there anything else I should know before I ask questions? I would prefer to have all the information out now; that way, we can move forward.” Everyone—Jared, Sam, Emily, and Embry—becomes quiet.

“And, that’s my cue. I’m going to see how long it takes to annoy Kim before she kicks me out of her house. Good luck!” Jared says, grabbing 3 cookies and a biscuit before running out the door. Sam and Emily give words of encouragement to Embry and leave.

“Embry…what’s going on?” I said, looking at him. He clears his throat.

“Well, there is one other thing. Just to let you know, it’s completely voluntary. You don’t have to do anything if you don’t want to. You are 100% in control between us. Okay?” he says nervously. I look at him suspiciously. I nod my head for him to continue. “Well, there's this thing called imprinting. You know…you know how after a while, you couldn’t figure out why but you felt like you wanted to be around me—for us to be close to one another?”

“More like need, but sure, continue.” He shakes his head and smiles.

“Well, there's a reason behind that. You know what mating is, right?” I nod my head.

“Like eagles when they mate for life. Right?”

“Yeah! Exactly! Well, that’s what happened that night in the woods. When I looked at you like a deer looking at headlights. I, uh, I imprinted on you.” He says nervously. I start feeling conflicted. On the one hand, I'm glad like a mother fucker that I get to have Embry in my life, but on the other, would he have wanted me without imprinting?

“I know what you’re thinking, and honestly, I actually already did like you.” He smiles as I looked at him, confused. “Last year, at the beach. You were walking back to your car while I was walking with Quil and Jake towards the water. We kind of passed each other. I don’t think you noticed me, but I saw you and thought you were the most amazing person I’ve seen. After that, I may have tried to go to the beach as often as possible to see you, but I never did. It wasn’t until the day in the woods that I saw you again. so my initial reaction was both happy because I finally found you again and because I found you.” He says, holding my hand. I started to tear up and smile.

“That’s the weirdest thing you’ve ever said to me.” I laugh and reach in to hug him without hurting my shoulder and ankle.

“I’m glad. So, it’s up to you, Y/n. Whatever you want us to be, I’ll be that and there for you always.” I smile and place my left and on his cheek.

“I want you to always be in my life Embry call.” I smile back at him. He grabs my wrist and kisses it and rubs circles on the back of my hand. We eventually start closing the distance between us.

“May I kiss you?” he asked quietly. I nod my head, and he smiles. “I’m going to need verbal consent, love.” I laugh at him,

“Yes. Yes, you may kiss me, please.” And he does. It was gentle, and it felt like home. Then it really felt like home when we heard whistling, hooting, and other unnecessary noises coming outside of the sliding door. We turned to look, only to see Jared, Paul, Jake, and Quil being stupid. I hit my face in Embry’s shoulder as he gave them the finger.

Who would’ve thought that my life would go from boring to adventurous all because of a vampire? I could honestly say I would have it any other way…like for real, I would have instead met Embry at the beach, but at least I can say I have met the love of my life.

  *Masters List is in the description bar*

[if-the-crown-fits-translate-it]

Discord pt 103

[Date: 25/03, 12:17 AM GMT - 25/03, 3:41 AM GMT]  

[CW for drug mention, descriptions of violence, torture mention, suffocation mention]

[Page appears in chat and begins a game of “Smile Charades” by telling the server to draw their attention to their Spotify playlist called “The Court?”, which consists of the following songs: “Break My Mind” by Dagames, “I’m the Bad Guy” by Caleb Hyles, “Echo” by Crusher-P, “Break the Rules” by Charlie XCX, “Discord” by The Living Tombstone, “The Fine Print” by The Stupendium, “I Can’t Decide” by Scissor Sisters, “Wolf in Sheep’s Clothing” by Set it Off, “Entropy” by Awkward Marina, “Happy Pills” by Weathers, “The Pitiful Children” by Eric William Morris, and “Monster” by KIRA. The server then proceeds to guess what Page could be trying to imply by this choice of songs. The following conversation ensures:]

jayyyyyyyy: “oh, happy pills is such a good song! kinda makes me sad in a way tho, ykno? its so upbeat but its basically about taking drugs so youre not truly yourself, ykno?”

Page 👑: “....

:)”

Jack the Observer 👁: “:)”

jayyyyyyyy: “huh, kinda makes me wonder if those plants are the result of drugs? or maybe theyre not, i might be looking at this the wrong way,”

Page 👑: “....”

jayyyyyyyy: “ah, either way its fine! just me wondering out loud, ykno? :]”

Page 👑: “:)”

jayyyyyyyy: “wow, what a unique and interesting message! thank you for the playlist, page, its really eye opening and neat to listen to :]”

Page 👑: “:)”

jayyyyyyyy: “wow, what a fun song about partying and breaking the rules! ,i sure hope, none of ,the court does that!, :]”

Page 👑: “:)”

jayyyyyyyy: “ooo i cant decide is a good one, a classic, especially for those in uh. *looks at writing smudged on wrist* ...the my little pony fandom...”

Page 👑: “....”

jayyyyyyyy: “its so cool! love how the singer has conflicting feelings about their attachment to the one theyre torturing, how they ultimately have to decide whether they want to be good and spare their life, or if they want to continue with the torture”

Page 👑: “:)”

[After a few minutes, the server wonders why Page is being so quiet and only responding in “:)”]

jayyyyyyyy: “nono, its okay, its like a yes or no thing

quiet for no, a smile for yes

is that right, page?”

Page 👑: “:)”

jayyyyyyyy: “pog! alright”

jayyyyyyyy: “okay, so still gotta find what youre picking up from this

are you not a big fan of concerts either?”

Page 👑: “....”

jayyyyyyyy: “oh, you like em?”

Page 👑: “:)

....”

jayyyyyyyy: “okay, you do like concerts! something else too tho”

[After a few minutes of conversation among the server members asking Page whether he liked concerts, or if being with the Court was like being in a concert, or if he wanted to continue the conversation in the direction of the topic of concerts, or if he wanted to talk about other topics, all of which were met with a resounding silence from Page-]

[jayyyyyyyy: “music?”]

Page 👑: “:)”

donti (e) (child): “music! alright

want to narrow the topic some more, page?”

Page 👑: “:)”

donti (e) (child): “so im assuming this is about your playlist?”

Page 👑: “:)”

donti (e) (child): “do you want us to focus on... lyrics?”

Page 👑: “:)”

donti (e) (child): “so like the tone?”

jayyyyyyyy: “well i think we already get the vibe, ykno”

donti (e) (child): “or the feel of all the songs together?”

Page 👑: “:)....”

donti (e) (child): “is there a common thread were supposed to be seeing?

Page 👑: “:)

[After some deliberation, it turned out that the common thread wasn’t about the laurels or drugs, but was about specific songs.]

jayyyyyyyy: “alright! so youre focusing on uhhh

break my mind

im the bad guy

echo

discord 50/50

wolf in sheeps clothing

entropy 50/50

happy pills 50/50

and monster”

Page 👑: “:)”

[jayyyyyyyy: “does "im the bad guy" apply to crown here?”]

Page 👑: “:)....”

jayyyyyyyy: “aight

is crown one of the common demoninators here?”

Page 👑: “:)....”

jayyyyyyyy: “aight

uhhh

im the bad guy is about.. fuck, i half remember half dont

if i remember correctly, the villain is explaining that whatever evils theyve faced before, shes much more powerful than them, and doesnt need their assistance because shes fine on her own

but

im guessing page is more focusing on. Uh”

Page 👑: “:)”

jayyyyyyyy: “oh! okay

okay, i got it

hm.. echo is about.. well, its kinda hard to say

let me look at the lyrics again

actually, this song is a perfect way to sum up the courts situation

"the echo in the mirror"

like.. youre fighting yourself? youre trapped in yourself, fighting yourself to be free”

Page 👑: “:)”

jayyyyyyyy: “pog! alright

so uhh

so far we have uhh

being stuck and fighting yourself is something im seeing rn

and the other one.. i think its better if i dont say it

am i right on the fighting yourself theme tho?”

Page 👑: “:)”

Ethza: “someone that's not crown??

"someone else"”

Page 👑: “:)”

Ethza: “OKAY

didnt expect that

so who

not crown

themselves?”

Page 👑: “:).....”

Ethza: “hm

eachother?”

donti (e) (child): “are,,, are the people who wear the crowns... pulling at the strings of their body??”

Page 👑: “....”

Ethza: “Hm”

jayyyyyyyy: “okay so

im assuming its crown and the court?”

Ethza: “but its not crown

its someone else”

Page 👑: “:)”

jayyyyyyyy: “hmm”

Ethza: “that was my first guess

so

someone else”

jayyyyyyyy: “okay! okay

and probably obvious but youre being controlled by your court version?”

Ethza: “but something else is controlling you”

Page 👑: “:)”

Ethza: “is it your court self?

the laurels?

something else?

feel free to respond to those separately”

jayyyyyyyy: “what, pray tell, the fuck are the laurels”

Page 👑: “:)”

[Ethza: “the laurels?”]

Page 👑: “....”

[Ethza: “something else?”]

Page 👑: “....:)”

jayyyyyyyy: “alright

hmmmm okay so

court selves are controlling the og selves, and crown is manipulating the court”

Ethza: “the court selves....aren't what they seem?”

Page 👑: “:)”

Ethza: “i was really hoping that wouldn't be right”

jayyyyyyyy: “well i dont think the court selves are evil”

Ethza: “i don't know if we'd call them good”

jayyyyyyyy: “theyre being manipulated, ykno? and theyre.. kinda stuck in an unwinable situation

well yea but like

either they let their alternate selves be free and they literally suffocate, or they let themselves be free and their alternate selves suffocate

and a while, youd want fresh air, no matter how good of a person you are”

[Ethza: “i don't know if we'd call them good”]

Page 👑: “:)”

jayyyyyyyy: “alright so theyre not good

obv im still suspicious that a lot of it is bc of circumstances but still evil”

Ethza: “...hey page”

Page 👑: “:)”

Ethza: “are they something we know?”

Page 👑: “....:)”

jayyyyyyyy: “i really cant think of anything else tho

dreamons maybe?”

Page 👑: “:)

:)

:)

:)

:)

:)”

jayyyyyyyy: “uhhh

OH SHIT”

Page 👑: “:)”

jayyyyyyyy: “OH FUCK

OH FUCK

OH FUCK ITS DREAMONS”

Page 👑: “:)

:)

:)

:)”

donti (e) (child): “is that a smile or a yes ??”

Page 👑: “:)

:)

:)”

jayyyyyyyy: “ITS A YES

OH MY GOD ITS DREAMONS OH FUCK”

donti (e) (child): “UH!!”

jayyyyyyyy: “OKAY

FUCK

okay

ok im. calming down”

Knight 👑: “Fetch likes this song :)” 

[DAYWALKER! by Machine Gun Kelly ft. Corpse] 

Knight 👑: “It should be obvious as to why :)”

jayyyyyyyy: “WAIT NO BUT I HAVE OTHER QUESTIONS

okay page!!

is that "thing" thats more powerful than crown the dreamons?”

Knight 👑: “Page is not in service at this time. Please check the number or try your call again. :)”

jayyyyyyyy: “oh fuck off

GOD

you mother FUCKERS

donti (e) (child): “AH IS PAGE OK”

Knight 👑: “:)”

donti (e) (child): “uhhhhhh buddy you ok”

Knight (he/they): “I see somebody talking with a mouth thats full of teeth i want to break :)”

jayyyyyyyy: “thats dumb as FUCK”

donti (e) (child): “well thats probably me time to scram :D”

jayyyyyyyy: “page did not say a single thing this entire time”

Knight 👑: “Then i'm not talking about him. :)”

jayyyyyyyy: “..neither did max”

Knight 👑: “I'm on borrowed time can't shake it :) blackout when i'm ragin'. :)”

jayyyyyyyy: “yea

again with that fuckin corpse song

hold on

huh

okay so im assuming this is just. 100% knight rn

bc you definitely did something to page

and the song daywalker is ab letting someone in on a secret and blaming them when the secret gets out

actually this song. lines up with uh

that scene”

Knight 👑: “:)”

jayyyyyyyy: “the. ykno, the murder

unless im wrong but

seems. violent”

Knight 👑: “I prayed to god and went to sleep with bloody hands :)”

jayyyyyyyy: “damn! okay

uhhh fuck

okay knight can you like. post all the lyrics youre focusing on rn?? tryna get across???”

Knight 👑: “Punch that motherfucker in the face 

you hated what he said, right? 

beat his ass, leave him at the stoplight

i know you wanted change, but nobody's around

so, kick him again while he's on the ground”

jayyyyyyyy: “thank you!”

Big G (they/them): “Uhh”

jayyyyyyyy: “....oh god i just said thank you im going SOFT

"i know you wanted change but nobodys around" is really catching my eye

"you hated what he said right" hmm”

Knight 👑: “If a pussy wanna say shit, then i'll fuckin' stomp his face in

nah, not getting better, can't change it, i left blood all on the pavement 

i'm on borrowed time, can't shake it, blackout when i'm ragin',

me and all these pills be on a fuckin' first name basis,”

jayyyyyyyy: “im kinda throwing a shot here, but is the "you hated what he said right" part about the dreamons hating what i said?”

Knight 👑: “I never said it was about page :) in fact, i told you i wasn't talking about him :)”

[angrylizardjacket]

Yaaasss!!! Jelous Ben was si cuteee and we love a supportive mother, her mom is fantastic and a savage. I hace a question, how did you come up with reader's character in x-men?? I legit googled it as I thought it was a real character, so welk done.

i love her mum so fuckin much, dude, she’s supportive but can still be embarrassing at times. i wrote her, not like my actual mum, but like my dad now that i think about it. dude literally told me over the phone that he’d physically fight people for shittalking me (not just in general, there’s more context, but the point still stands). idk i think it’s disingenuous to not let parental characters have certain flaws, like they’re allowed to be overprotective and spiteful, as well as caring and supportive. i love her too.

oH SHIT DUDE LEMME TALK ABT MY GIRL CASSIDY TEMPLE I LOVE HER SO FUCKING MUCH AND I”VE PUT SO MUCH THOUGHT INTO HER THAT THIS WILL HAVE A READ MORE

so cassidy’s powers are actually based off of an xmen oc i’ve already written 70k about, Aoibheal Cassidy, younger sister of Banshee, Sean Cassidy, and Cassidy Temple’s name is a reference to her, since originally I was going to essentially have Y/N playing Aoibheal (because it’s my fic and i can include an homage to my xmen oc as a treat). the powers themselves are based loosely on Multiple Man from X-Men: The Last Stand, except Cassidy’s clones can’t live a life of their own like his can. In the xmen fic, aoibheal starts off with having unlimited clones, and they can explode because i thought it was neat tbh.

From the original fic, Molotov Heart, chapter 3, rubatosis:

[Context; humans experimenting on mutants between X-Men First Class and X-Men Days Of Future Past have caught Sean and Aoibheal and they experiment on them even though Aoibheal’s powers have not manifested (she is approximately 13) and they kill her brother in front of her]:

Stunned into silence, she can feel something white-hot building inside of her, all the rage and fear and pain becoming almost tangible.

She mutates.

Copies of Aoibheal, clones, appear around them, filling up the space between the now screaming and bewildered 'doctors'. Aoibheal herself doesn't seem to notice the clones, bawling her eyes out, an action the clones themselves are mirroring, and she thinks of nothing but freedom and escape, focusing on the white-hot feeling inside of her until it overwhelmed her. With the force of a bunker-buster bomb, the clones began to combust, began to explode, first a few, and then all at once. Killing the human personel who had kept her hostage, the blast reduced the warehouse to mere cinders, freed Aoibheal and left her clothing in tatters, but she was alive damn it.

The reason Cassidy has a limited number is because i needed a way to have her powered up as a horseman, like a distinct power up, rather than just something unseen like heightened reflexes and strength. 

I would like to point out also, that it’s not stated, but Cassidy’s explosions (NOT AOIBHEAL’s) are never to do with heat, they’re always about force. the explosions themselves are never hot, never have anything to do with fire or anything like that, she builds up force inside of the clones, and lets it tear her apart from the inside out as a wave that destroys the things it comes into contact with.

The scream was originally hereditary, like Banshee, it developed as her secondary mutation.

From the Marvel Wiki:

The Secondary Mutation (or "Second Mutation") is a phenomenon in which an existing mutant undergoes another mutation, gaining additional powers, such as healing, or a change in appearance.

Secondary mutation is noted as the appearance of new powers, or an increase in existing powers.

It was stated by Beast that the secondary mutations usually occurred in the twenties of the subjects, and generally appeared in time of great stress.

From the original fic, chapter 8, nodus tollens:

The appearance of the secondary mutation:

The world falls apart in a blur of movement. The gun goes off just after Raven jumps and makes a break for the window, the bullet curves as she crashes through the glass, following her on the way down. Tackling Erik earns Hank a mean right hook to the jaw, but Aoibheal’s there, looking at Trask like a dear in the headlights, memories whipping through her head like a hurricane - the sick fuck looks pleased to see her – her mouth falls open and she screams. She and the clone scream in tandem, their voices supersonic as the surrounding people clutched their ears for dear life; struggling to keep a hold of the feeling in her chest that caused her to explode, the clone detonates like a firework, scorching the wallpaper while Trask is stumbling to the door. There’s blood leaking from his ears but Aoibheal can’t move, can only scream and relive the memory of her brother’s murder over and over again.

Hank discussing it:

"I've never seen a secondary mutation so vastly different!" No longer blue or furry, [Hank’s] smile is excited as he looks over at her. Sharing the cockpit feels almost familiar by now, with Aoibheal curled up in the passenger seat nursing a glass of water. "It makes sense though, your original mutation – the explosions – would be an extension of your temperature immunity, but your secondary mutation is hereditary."

Cassidy’s scream, however, unlike Banshee’s, only effects things with ears, not inanimate objects like glass. Of course she could learn the right pitch to get glass to shatter like an opera singer, but generally speaking, her scream only effects things that can hear. 

OKAY LETS TALK ABT THE STUFF I FABRICATED FOR THE FIC

oh GOD I WANT TO TALK ABOUT HER RELATIONSHIP WITH MAGNETO

not as in romantic, as in he is literally her character’s main inspiration in the films. i’m literally making a fake trailer right now that’s intercut with moments from his DOFP speech that was broadcast to the whole of america.

i love dofp (possibly to my detriment) but i always thought it was weird that no-one was ever like.... magneto has a point. BECAUSE HE HAS A POINT. he’s speaking directly to disenfranchised and SCARED mutants across the nation, and yet everyone’s heralding Mystique as the new face of mutant kind. YES she made a point, but like.... did no-one vibe with magneto when he promised the destruction of mankind? i would. anyways.

so i thought it would be interesting for this character, Cassidy, to have this hero-worship of Magneto, taking his words to heart like scripture, ultimately making her a foil for Phoenix, Xavier’s protege. 

it’s why i specifically included this:

“You should be,” you hissed, putting your all into the words as you spoke them, and you hear Ben inhale sharply beside you, “we shall inherit the Earth.”

“What follows is a struggle as Cassidy and the figure – revealed to be her clone – proceed to kill the man. When they’re finished, and the man’s dead on the ground, Cassidy straightens her outfit, and we hear –“ as the director reads, Michael begins to slowly clap, “a slow clap, and it’s revealed that Apocalypse, as well as Storm, Angel, and Magneto, had all witnessed the event.”

“We are the future, we are the ones who shall inherit the Earth,” Michael reads as he stops clapping.

“Magneto,” you breathe reverentially, and when you look to him, you and Michael share a sharp smile.

which is a direct quote from magneto’s speech in Days of Future Past:

You built these weapons to destroy us. Why? Because you are afraid of our gifts. Because we are different. Humanity has always feared that which is different. Well, I'm here to tell you, to tell the world, you're right to fear us. We are the future. We are the ones who will inherit this earth, and anyone who stands in our way will suffer the same fate as these men you see before you. Today was meant to be a display of your power. Instead I give you a glimpse of the devastation my race can unleash upon yours. Let this be a warning to the world. And to my mutant brothers and sisters out there, I say this; no more hiding, no more suffering. You have lived in the shadows in shame and fear for too long. Come out, join me. Fight together in the brotherhood of our kind. A new tomorrow, that starts today.

which ALSO is what turns her into the next big villain for the franchise, because she sees Magneto, the man she kind of thinks of like a god, turn on and help kill Apocalypse, the man who claimed to be an actual god, and side with the people who, ultimately, don’t want to destroy the human race like she does, and also killed the man she loved. she takes Magneto’s ideologies and turns them up to 11. he fucks off to create a mutant paradise away from prying eyes and is happy, she won’t be happy until all humans are punished.

it’s why, in the beginning, she and raven can’t still work together, because raven wants to rescue mutants, but not at the expense of unnecessary human lives, and cassidy sees all humans as complicit in the torture, and therefore deserving of punishment. 

she has deemed herself judge, jury, and executioner of human kind, and they have all been found guilty.

i’m so excited to see if i get around to writing some of the next film because i really want to explore the dichotomy of Xavier’s ‘no-one is ever really gone/there’s always hope’ and magneto’s ‘you were right to be afraid of us, we are the ones who shall inherit the earth’. Everyone has given up on Cassidy in one way or another, whether it be by betrayal or death, and so when she finds this symbiote who literally becomes a part of her, makes her stronger, and is happy to kill people with little regard for who they are, she’ll take it. 

EDIT: here’s the first 26 seconds of the fake trailer (Y/N here is played by Jurnee Smollett, aka Black Canary from Birds of Prey)

ANGEL & RIOT

i wanted y/n to kiss ben hardy that’s literally it. 

actually no that’s not it 100%, i think it’s super amusing in a kind of bleak way that he got fridged for her, like his death, both in the “””comics””” (as in the comic universe for the fics) and in the film, causes her to seek out a force that would help bring him back to life. in the “””comics””” she originally seeks out a mutant, but when the mutant who can bring people back refuses to help her, she’s told of experiments at The Life Foundation, who are working on engineering the next step in human evolution, and she’s thinking that they’re experimenting on mutants again, like trask, and goes in guns blazing, but instead finds symbiotes. she bonds with a symbiote, thus becoming Riot Control, and the symbiote initially promises her all these things, including being able to find a way to ressurect angel, but eventually (in the “””comics”””) the power he gives her overtakes her need to ressurect her love, and riot ends up using her to try and build a ship to bring more symbiotes to take over earth.

IN THE FILM

okay OKAY okay OKAY so she’s looking for a way to ressurect angel at first, but riot’s in her ear while he’s seeing all her memories, and is convincing her to get revenge on the people who are responsible for his death (nightcrawler, jean, and Magneto specifically) so its not that the xmen are just in the plot by happenstance there’s like actual beef, love it. 

I also love that Cassidy’s powers are handicapped when she’s got Riot, since her scream would injure or even possibly kill him. Yes i specifically paired her with a symbiote for that reason, which is also the reason why her clone explosions aren’t heat based. 

but anyway, can i spoil the ending? i wanna spoil the ending;

so there’s this big showdown between riot control and the xmen, and jean confronts cassidy, trying to talk her down like ‘what would angel think if he saw you? What you’ve become?’ and Cassidy’s furious, thinking that jean’s trying to guilt her, like, angel would be so ashamed

“Keep his name out of your fucking mouth, you have no idea what he’d think-”

“He’d be terrified of you.” And it’s so fucking like, cruel and cold coming from Jean.

“Shut up.”

“You have become a monster; you have maimed your idol-” [we cut to a shot of magneto looking all fucked up and bloody, watching with anger in his eyes] “and you have left Angel for dead. If you’d really cared about him, you would have already gotten him back. Instead, you come for revenge against the people who could have helped you -”

or something like that, and riot control has a whole breakdown, lashing out, snarling that no-one could help her, and when they tried, they ended up dead (angel, apocalypse) and she starts losing control, and her voice starts to distort in and out of riot’s, making it clear he’s taking control of her completely. 

there’s this big, final fight, which culminates with jean grabbing cassidy’s face and trying to burn riot out of her.

“No-one is beyond help.” And Jean’s like, got tears in her eyes, desperate to save this girl who’s caused so much pain, but who sees herself as so wretched and beyond help, and we see the symbiote burning away and screaming, but also the physical signs of cassidy’s mutation as like, peeling away in embers, like the black scales around her eyes, and the way her whole eyes are seen as black is now clearing away, and she takes both of Jean’s hands and forces her to keep holding on, to keep looking in her natural fucking eyes for the first and last time as she burns out too.

“You can’t save everyone.” and then Cassidy’s just ash in the wind.

also this ending, in a meta-sense, makes sense, because after this Disney buys Fox and there’s no more this-universe X-Men films, so they had to do a self-contained story, there couldn’t be things left super unresolved.

OR maybe she’s fine, maybe she gets saved and riot burns out of her (spoilers, he fucks off and doesn’t die, hence, Venom (2018); it takes him about 20 years to recuperate) i haven’t decided.

[darlinvandijk]

Jealousy

Concept: A request about being best friends with Ruel, but there being more than just platonic feelings, along with a nice touch of jealousy from our favorite soft giant (also whoever stole the acne jumper, you’re a prick), dm me and whatnot for a request and I’ll be happy to make it for you! Also this is really long, sorry about that but I just really loved the idea of it all and couldn’t stop writing. Hope you enjoy :)

“What’re the plans for today?” Ruel asks as soon as I jump into his car and he heads to the mall, since I told him I needed to buy a new outfit for today, and wanted him to accompany me.

“We’ll talk when we get to the mall, I wanna listen to the new song you promised to show me” I whine grabbing onto his arm while he looks over at me and laughs. He rolls his eyes as he grabs his phone and hits play on an untitled track. I grip his hand the whole time the track plays, before grabbing his phone to replay it.

“I take it you like the song?” He asks with a chuckle as I literally whip my head around to face him. Is this boy crazy? Of course I love the song.

“Are you kidding me? As long as you made it, I’m gonna love it. Actually scratch that, as long as you feature on anything, I’m automatically going to love it” I yell at him incredulously, he should know by now that I’m his #1 supporter, and that’ll never change.

“I was just messing with you, I already know how you’re a diehard crazy obsessive fan, I even saw you smelling my hoodie the other day” he says with a straight face, turning to watch me as he finally parks at the mall. I stare at him for a moment before finally realizing what he said and smacking him on the back of the head.

“Does this look like face to face bitch? You’re actually the one obsessed with me so get it right” I sassily reply, before hopping out of the car and making my way to the entrance. I hear footsteps behind me, before his arm is then slung over my shoulder, pulling me into his side.

“You’re right, I am obsessed with you bubs, but you already knew that.” He mumbles pressing a kiss to the side of my head, causing my face to heat up. I immediately drag him into the store I want to go to, so that he doesn’t see the blush spreading across my face. We’re friends, nothing more than that. Or at least to him that’s what we are.

I start trying on clothes once I get a decent pile, listening to rule sitting outside the stall on a bench, cursing at the angry birds level he can’t beat. I look myself up and down in the mirror, deciding that this was probably the best outfit I was going to find. It’s a kind of caramel colored plaid two-piece skirt and top set, something I’ve been trying to get for awhile.

“So what do we think? Is she cute? Is she bad bitch material? Or is she ugly and needs to be banished from the pile?” I say as soon as I step out of the stall. Ruel stays quiet as he looks me over and examines the outfit. I start to fidget nervously as he still remains silent.

“What do you need the outfit for? You still haven’t told me.” he states while looking me straight in the eyes.

“Luke is coming to visit and wanted to hangout tonight, probably just gonna eat at that one diner where I can take insta pics” I tell him before urging him to tell me if the outfit is good.

“We always eat at that diner together, that’s our spot.” Ruel deadpans. I stare at him blankly, wondering what his deal is. Like I’ve taken so many girl friends there before and he’s literally never cared.

“Ruel we’re just eating there so I can take some pics for my feed, especially since your fans keep telling me to post again” I say laughing to try and lighten the mood. His facial expression doesn’t even shift as he stares blankly at me.

“Okay but I also always take your insta pictures, I can take these ones too. He probably won’t even be able to take good pictures.” Ruel snaps back. I stare at him incredulously since he’s getting hyped up over nothing for no apparent reason when he was just fine minutes ago.

“He’s taking one set of pictures for me, literally coco takes pics of me all the time and I post them, yet you never cared then?” I question him trying to see what his actual problem is. He scoffs and turns his head away from me. I then walk so I’m standing right in front of him, grabbing his face to turn it back towards me.

“I just don’t get why you have to take him to our spot, buy a new outfit for him, and let him take pictures of you.” He moodily responds, moving out of my way and standing up to stand near the exit of the dressing rooms. I stare at him with a hurt look, because he’s never had this attitude towards me before.

“Look the outfit is great and you look pretty, can we go now?” He states before I can even reply to his previous statement, walking back into the main area of the store. I go back into the dressing room and put on my regular clothes before putting the set back onto the hanger.

I walk back into the store and see Ruel standing there, watching me as I walk back to the area I got the set from and hang it back up, getting ready to leave the store. As I walk to the exit, I hear him sigh and walk the opposite way. I watch him grab the set, before exchanging the skirt for a different size. He then walks to the cashier where he proceeds to pay for the set.

“Ruel what are you doing? I didn’t buy it for a reason, you wasted your money.” I snap at him, tired of the attitude he’s giving me, when all I wanted to do was hangout with my best friend.

“You looked good in it, so I bought it. The skirt was a little too big, so I know that this size will fit you better. You also want it for you insta posts, so I got it so you could wear it tonight.” He mumbles before grabbing my hand and pulling me towards the shoe store.

I watch him as he walks over to one of the clerks and tells him a couple things, before the clerk heads into the back, coming back out moments later with a shoe box. Ruel opens the box and nods his head before handing it back and asking him to ring it up for him. I jog over to him before he can pay for them, wondering what the hell he’s impulsively buying this time.

“Nothing important, so don’t worry about it. Wanna go start the car for me while I pay?” He asks while tossing me the keys. I stare at him for a moment before leaving the store and heading to the car. As I sit in the car, I think about how weird he’s acting. He’s literally throwing a fit over nothing and then thinks buying me my outfit is going to solve everything.

“Uhm here. These are for you, because none of your shoes will go with the outfit, and these will. You can’t have a complete outfit without shoes to match.” He mutters putting the box on my lap, before pulling out of the mall parking lot. I open the box to see a pair of plain white nike air forces, turning to stare at him because he shouldn’t be spending all this money on me.

“Ruel you didn’t have to do that. You literally have spent over a $100 on me today, that’s too much, you also probably don’t even know my size so they might not fit.” I state while trying to put the shoes in the backseat, so he can return them later.

“You’re my best friend, I’ll do anything to make you happy, and I know having this outfit for the pics and future occasions will make you happy. I also know all your sizes by heart so they’re gonna fit.” He says while pulling into my driveway. He gets out of the car and heads into my house before I can even reply to him.

I go inside and change, putting on the outfit he got me, before turning around to face him, as he sits on my bed waiting for me to finish. I give him a little twirl, waiting for his reaction to how I look.

“You look beautiful, but you didn’t need a new outfit for that, you always look beautiful.” He mumbles looking at the floor. I walk to go and sit next to him. I slowly reach my hand out and watch as he puts his hand in mine, intertwining our finger together, and putting them on his lap.

“Can you tell me what’s wrong.. I don’t like when you’re angry with me.” I softly say looking over to him. A brief look of frustration appears on his face before turning to a look of nervousness.

“I just feel like you’re trying to replace me with him. I know you’re not, but it’s just not a good feeling. I don’t like when you rely on other people for things like that, even if they aren’t things to be considered a big deal, I just want you to rely on me and need me. I just don’t like feeling like I’m not needed.” He whispers looking away from me and at our entwined hands.

“I always need you, you know that. He’s just helping me out and hanging with me for the day, since he’s only going to be visiting for a week. I’m not replacing you, don’t think I could ever replace you even if I wanted too.” I say trying to get him to see my point of view about it all. He sighs and runs his hand through his hair roughly.

“No, you don’t get it.” He snaps moving away from me and towards my door. I jump up and grab his wrist pulling him back towards me so that he can’t leave.

“Then tell me Ruel! I can’t help you and fix this if you don’t tell me what the issue is! Like why don’t you like Luke? He hasn’t done anything wrong” I snap back, tired of the back and forth of this conversation.

“I don’t like the fact that you’re relying on another guy and trying to impress another guy, that isn’t me, okay? That’s it, I’m fucking jealous of him. I want you to want me the same way I want you. Can I fucking leave now?” He snaps before angrily walking towards me door.

“You’re an idiot oh my god” I say while laughing and sitting on my bed, watching as he whips around to face me with a pissed off look on his face.

“That’s literally what you’re going to say to me after all that? You’re just going to laugh and make me feel worse?” He hisses with a cold look on his face.

“You’re so dramatic Ruel. First of all, Luke has a girlfriend, who he’s very in love with. Second of all, there’s nothing to be jealous of. You’re my best friend and I lov-“ I say getting ready to confess my feelings before the stupid giant interrupts me.

“How do you not get it?! I’m literally trying to tell you I’m in love with you, I don’t want to be your fucking best friend anymore” He impatiently yells, while throwing his arms around in the air, signifying how frustrated he is.

“Can you shut up you tall bitch and let me explain? As I was saying, I love you and don’t want anyone else. I just never thought you had feelings for me too.” I state with a roll of my eyes before I get up and wrap my arms around his neck.

He immediately leans down and presses his lips against mine, in a soft but passionate kiss, putting all his feelings into it. He leans back and softly rests his forehead against mine before giving me a small grin.

“Are you done crying about everything now?” I sassily say while raising an eyebrow at him. He throws his head back laughing before pulling me on top of him on my bed.

“Yeah, I’m sorry about my attitude today. I just felt like I was losing you to another guy, and that’s something I never want to happen. But now that we’re on this topic of us, does this mean you’re my girlfriend now?” He questions with a smirk as I roll my eyes and nod my head yes.

He grins at my reply before flipping us over and placing kisses all over my face and neck. I lay there laughing while he continues his attack against my skin. He finally stops and just lays on top of me with his head resting against my chest, while he intertwines our hands together, with my other hand running through his hair.

“I love you. I’ve always loved you and I always will. I love you with all I’ve got, I hope you know that.” He mumbles against chest, while I softly smile at the beautiful boy laying on me.

“I know, I love you too. Just try to not jump to conclusions and freak out on me next time bubs because I might just have to tell Coco and get her to smack some sense into you” I say laughing while he rolls his eyes at me.

Let’s just say, he definitely didn’t have a problem with me hanging out with Luke today anymore. He might be the most dramatic boy I know, but you don’t choose who you fall in love with. Even if I could, I wouldn’t choose anyone else.

[toomanystoriessolittletime]

The thrill of it all (4/9)

Summary: Rose and Tom have been together for 7 years when he breaks up with her. She has no idea why. Tom regrets it almost immediately but still moves on. Until he realized what a huge mistake he has made.

Pairing: Tom Hiddleston / OFC

Warnings: angst

can also be found on AO3

Masterlist

On December 12th of that year Tom woke up late. He’d been out having dinner with both his sisters and it got rather late. He had his first appointment today and he didn’t want to be late. It was 9 am and he had to get ready. Grabbing his phone, he went to the bathroom to have a quick shower before.

While waiting for the water to boil in the kitchen a little later, he finally checked his phone which had numerous notifications but the one on the top made him hold his breath.

 “Congratulations on your Golden Globe nomination. You truly deserve it. Rose”

It had been 3 weeks since he had sent her a text message. And she hadn’t responded. He couldn’t blame her. If she had left him the way he left her he wouldn’t want to talk to him either. Still. He couldn’t stop the little smile that made it’s way to his face.

On Christmas day Tom found himself in the house he grew up in, surrounded by his whole family. Still he couldn’t enjoy it as much as he would have.

“You know you could just call her.” His mother sat down next to him.

“I know.”

“Then why aren’t you doing it?”

“I want to talk to her in person. I don’t even know where to start to apologize.” He admitted.

“Oh Thomas.” Diana hugged her son.

“I know you will find a way. But you should hurry before you’re too late.”

“Dad. Oh my god don’t.” Rose put her arm over her eyes, trying to hide from the world. Yet laughing.

“Why?” Her father chuckled.

“Because it’s embarrassing.”

“It’s not. All of us had to start somewhere.” Ryan said, trying to keep a straight face.

“But you didn’t start with a rhyme of how much you loved banana ice-cream, didn’t you?” She asked.

“Nope.” He laughed and Rose joined. It was the day after Christmas. She had planned to go to London for the holidays, but her father surprised her in New York just on the day she was supposed to fly out to the UK.

Every concern she had regarding this Christmas where washed away as soon as she saw her father.

Okay. James probably also had to be a reason.

After going out with him a couple of times, they had decided to just date. As it turned out James was a music producer and even worked with some of the same artists as Rose. He couldn’t believe she was the one who wrote the latest Number 1 song of the billboard top 100. He was complementing her so much, and she had been blushing so hard in that moment, that she just kissed him just to shut him up. That was on her last day in New York 2 weeks ago.

You could imagine Rose’s surprise when she opened Ryan’s door this morning back in San Francisco as the doorbell ringed and found James standing there.

“We have a mutual friend here who invited me. I hope that’s okay.” He had said

“I’m going to kill Ryan.” Rose had answered, shaking her head.

“Okay…  I can just leave again?” James had suggested slowly.

“No. No. You stay. Hey.” Rose had to stretch to hug him.

“Merry Christmas.” James had whispered and kissed her lightly.

And that’s how she found herself on the couch, James arm around her shoulders, while her father was telling embarrassing childhood stories about herself.

“Can we stop now with the stories about me and focus on something else?” Rose asked.

“Yes. Let’s focus on James who has been nominated for a golden globe.” Ryan suggested and Rose shot him a dangerous look.

“It’s nothing.” James took a sip from his whiskey.

“Oh please. You probably will win the Oscar also. The music and movie are brilliant.” Andrea chipped in.

“Which movie?” Rose’s father asked.

“La La Land.” SheI answered and her father looked impressed at James.

“Well. Congratulations. I saw it back in London on screen and loved it. I even bought the soundtrack on itunes.”

“Thank you so much.” James smiled at Rose’s father.

“You know I still don’t have someone to accompany to the Golden Globes.” It was way past midnight and Rose was laying with her back on James’ chest outside on the balcony under a big blanket.

“You don’t?”

“Nope. Haven’t found the right person to ask.”

Rose nodded.

“You know where I’m going with this conversation, don’t you?” James leaned down, close to Rose’s ear.

“I know.” Rose whispered and turned around so she was facing him.

“I can’t go with you and I’m going to tell you exactly why.”

“I’m listening.”

“Well first, we only know each other for 7 weeks. You don’t take your…” I was searching for the right word. “Girlfriend?” he suggested. I smiled at him.

“Was that a question? Because it sounded like that.”

“Do I have to ask you to be my girlfriend like we are in the second grade?”

“Who has girlfriends in the second grade?” Rose asked surprised.

“I don’t know.” James laughed and put his arms around Rose to lay her down on his chest. Sure they only knew each other for a short time but he was pretty sure he loved her.

“So…” She started again after a while. “You don’t take your girlfriend for 7 weeks on a red carpet of one of the biggest award ceremonies on the planet.

“I would.” James interrupted her.

Rose laughed and punched him lightly on his chest.

“Let me finish, won’t you?” She kissed his chest through his shirt.

“Okay maybe YOU take your girlfriend of 7 weeks on the red carpet. But…” She kneeled between his legs on the lounger.

“But maybe I don’t want to go because there is a high chance I will run into my Ex that I don’t want to take.” Rose confessed.

“The one who ghosted you?” He asked. She nodded.

“I know I don’t talk about it very much. He really did hurt me and I’m not sure what I’ll do if I see him. So I rather would let it happen anywhere but on a red carpet.”

“Understandable. Why would he be there?” James asked interested. He really knew nothing about this mysterious guy who broke her heart. More than once he imagined having a talk with him, to ask him what on earth was wrong with him to let a woman like Rose go.

“He is nominated as best leading actor in a mini series. You actually told me you loved the series when we talked about the globe nominations.”

“Your Ex is Tom Hiddleston?” James asked rather surprised.

“He is. We had been together for 7 years when he broke up with me.” A sad smile came to her face. James sat up and hugged her tightly. He knew that she was hurt badly. He was also pretty certain that she still loved him. And with this new information about how long they had been together, he needed time to process.

“It’s okay. Maybe you can join me on the after party? I can ask who is on the guest list, so you don’t run into him?” He asked. Rose looked at him and smiled, before she leant forward and kissed him. Giving him the answer he wanted to hear.

Rose wanted to send him something. Hell. She wanted to hug him and tell him how proud she was. And she wanted to punch him for his poorly chosen words. She could see that he was nervous.

“You should call him.” Ryan said.

“I can’t.” She watched as he stumbled over his words, while accepting his first Golden Globe for his role in “The night manager”.

“Then write him. Or write something.” He kissed her forehead and left.

She looked at herself in the mirror. The now red hair was curly around her head. The green floor long dress she chose fitted perfectly and the shoes made her at least 3 inches taller.

The applause on TV brought her back and she saw Tom waving to the crowd before he left the stage. Her phone already in her hand she went through her contacts.

“Oh my God please tell me it wasn’t that bad.” Were the first words she heard after the call connected.

She laughed. “Well it wasn’t that good either.”

“I really hate you, Stevens.”

“I love you too, Luke. How is he?” Rose had been in contact with Luke constantly in the last months. In the past years he had become a close friend.

“He’s doing interviews right now. I gave him a tequila after he came back from stage.”

“Like a good Publicist would do.”

“Are we still on for tomorrow?” He asked.

“I’ll pick you up around noon. I will call you before I’m on my way.”

“Good.”, she heard Tom asking who’s on the phone. Her stomach clenched hearing his voice so close.

“That’s Tom. I have to go.”

“Tell him congratulations.”

“I will. See you Rose.”

“You look absolutely beautiful.” James told her as soon as she exited the car.

“Why thank you Mr. Golden Globe winner.” She kissed him.

“Congratulations.” She kissed him again.

“Thank you. Should we go in?”

“We should.” Rose took his hand and smiled at him.

What she didn’t know was that only 2 cars away Tom had spotted her and had a hard time controlling his expression, when he saw the woman he loved was kissing another man.

She hadn’t expected for the meeting with Luke on the next day to be so awkward.

Usually they had no problems talking to each other. They had been friends from the beginning of Rose and Tom dating. But both of them where not sure how to proceed this friendship, now that Tom was out of the picture.

“Long night?” Luke asked as they were seated and looking through the menu.

“I actually haven’t slept at all. I was on a after show party of the golden globes.”

“I know. Tom saw you.”

Rose looked at Luke over the menu.

“He did?”

Luke nodded. “He was supposed to be at the same party but left as soon as he saw you with James Miller. He was quite upset.”

“And that should concern me?” Rose put the menu down and raised her eyebrows at Luke.

Luke became uneasy.

“No. Yes. God, this is awkward. I don’t want to be put in the middle of all this.”

“There is no middle, Luke.”

“He wants to make things right, you know?”

Rose leant back in her chair, shaking her head rolling her eyes.

“Then he should have made more of a effort instead of a text message. How would you feel if Laura left you without any real explanation, because we both know Taylor wasn’t the real reason. He waited too long. I have James now. And he’s perfect. I really want to try with him.”

“Do you love him?” Luke asked.

“I always will. But I don’t think I can get over the way he treated me.”

“I was talking about James.” Luke said after a while. Rose looked at him breathing in deep.

“I like him.” Rose answered. “You can’t love somebody after 2 months.” As soon as these words left her mouth and saw the look Luke gave her she, suddenly exhausted, rubbed the bridge of her nose.

 “Jesus Benedict. We won’t be late. Who goes to watch a Shakespeare piece in the middle of the week?”

 “Excuse you. Don’t underestimate the Shakespeare loving population of London.”

 “Ugh.” Rose rolled her eyes and followed her friend. She and Benedict Cumberbatch had been childhood neighbours. Sure he was 10 years older than her but he had been her brothers friend. After he died he tried to be the big brother for Rose, David would have been.

 Benedict had made it his purpose to take her to the theatre once a month. If he was available. His career really was starting to take off. That’s how she found herself sitting in the first row at the Donmar Warehouse about to see Shakespeare’s “Othello”.

 “Do you think Ewan McGregor somewhere suddenly during this piece will stop and wholeheartedly sing the Elephant love song medley from the Moulin rouge movie? Because if that happens it might be worth leaving my flat the day before Christmas.” Rose had asked Benedict quietly before the lights went out.

 Benedict had chuckled and whispered. “What am I going to do with you?”

2 hours later she joined in the standing ovation. She never liked Shakespeare. But if everything would have been performed like that, she would reconsider. When Ben told her Ewan McGregor would be in that play, she was sure she could survive 2 hours, subtle looking at him without actually paying real attention to the theatre. She hadn’t put in consideration the curly haired Gentleman that would also be there.

 “So. How upset are you that there was no singing?” Ben asked, when the applause had slowed.

 “Surprisingly I rather liked it.” Rose answered honestly.

 “Oh?”

 “This was the first time I really followed the story, so Congratulations Cumberbatch.” Rose looked at him. The cast came out for their final bow and she looked on stage again and swore she saw the Curly haired Man winking at her.

   They were standing outside 30 minutes later, waiting for one of Benedict’s friends to have a drink with.

 “I really want to go home Ben.” Rose whined for the third time.

 “It’s Friday and it’s not even 11 pm. How old are you?”

 “Right now I feel too old to even argue with you.”

 “I’m taking you home on our way to the pub, all right?” Ben put his arm around her shoulder.

 “Thank you. Adoptive brother.”

 “Oh Tom. There you are.” Benedict suddenly took his arm away from Rose’s shoulder to greet the man who just stepped out with a hug.

 “Glad you could make it. I hope you liked it?” As soon as she heard that voice, she knew that she so would go to the pub with Ben and his friend that night.

 “Loved it. Rose here even liked it, and she is a though crowd.” Benedict stepped away from him and made a gesture to where Rose was standing.

 “Though crowd? Why is that?” Tom looked at here interested.

 “Oh she hates Shakespeare.” Ben provided and Rose could nothing but laugh at the shocked expression on Tom’s face.

 “How… Why…” Where the only words that left his mouth while him and Ben where making their way over to Rose.

 “I guess I just never really understood the fascination. Ben here tried very hard to make me like him. And the only piece I really ever liked way Henry V.”

 “So there is hope.” Tom was now standing in front of Rose with a hopeful look on his face. So Rose was the name of the woman he had spotted first as he stepped on stage only a couple of hours ago. She was even more beautiful as she was standing right in front of him now.

 “There is always hope, Tom…” She held her hand out for him to shake his.

 “Thomas Hiddleston. But friends can call me Tom” He took her hand to shake it.

 “And you are?”

 “Rose Amelia Stevens. Nice to meet you Tom.”

   When he brought her home that night, because Ben had left them by themselves after getting no word in, they were surprised to find out they lived only 5 minutes apart.

 She was standing in her door, searching for the keys in her purse in the early morning hours of Christmas day. The sun about to come out. They had talked for 6 hours before the pub closed and they made their way home through Regents Park.

 “So…” Rose finally had found her keys.

 “So…” He repeated, smiling.

 “We can agree that not everybody has to like Shakespeare?” Rose asked.

 “We could do that.” He answered thoughtfully. “Or I could pursue you as long as possible with the outcome of you loving Shakespeare as much as I do.”

 “I don’t think Shakespeare even loved himself as much as you love him, Tom.” She laughed. He joined.

 “You might be right but I would like to try.”

 “And how would you do that?”

 “We could start by going to the theatre together?”

 “I already do that, if I you remember.”

 “Well yes but you haven’t been to the theatre with me.” He grinned.

 “True.” Rose smiled.

 Tom grabbed her hand and kissed the inside of her wrist.

 “Merry Christmas Rose.” He had smiled.

 “Merry Christmas, Tom.” She had smiled back and watched him leave her, going down the street.

 As soon as she entered her apartment, still smiling like a lunatic her phone beeped, signalling a new message.

  > She’s beautiful, and therefore to be wooed; She is woman, and therefore to be won. Henry VI Part 1 - Act 5, Scene 2 >

Right in that moment she had fallen in love with Tom. After meeting him only a couple hours earlier.

She looked at Luke. She had to leave.

“I can’t. I really want to. But I can’t.” Rose stood and put a hand on her friends shoulder.

“I have to find out if I can grow to love James.”

“But that’s not fair to either one of you.”

“I know. But sometimes you have to put yourself first. Like Tom did.” And with these word she left Luke alone at the Restaurant and made her way home.

>> Chapter 5

[xoruffitup]

Burn This First Preview: 3/15 Show Report

OKAY it’s 3 AM and I’m writing this on my phone so the format might be weird, but I have SO MANY thoughts and feels from tonight I’ve got to let the tidal wave out!! 

First off - Yes, he looked gorgeous at stage door and he was so kind trying to sign for everyone he could! (The line was longggg.) I GOT HIS AUTOGRAPH AND THANKED HIM FOR SUCH A MOVING PERFORMANCE AND HE SAID “OH THANK YOU VERY MUCH” AND LOOKED UP AT ME WITH HIS GORGEOUS EYES AND GORGEOUS FACE AND THERE IS A PIC OF THIS MOMENT THAT WILL FOREVER LIVE IN MY HEART:

This is my new OTP, folks: Adam/The back of my head!

I attempted to ask for a pic but was hesitant and security had already half pulled him away so he was like “I don’t know if I’ll have time” sounding so nervous about getting to the whole line. BABY <333

Aksjsknsm I can’t believe I was this close to him - It hasn’t fully set in and omg I better just keep writing before it does set in and I lose my shit completely!

Play Highlights! (This list is Plot-Spoiler free.)

Alas, sadly there is not that much nakedness. He takes his pants off in Act 1 but has underwear and a long shirt on. The BEST is when he comes on wearing one of Keri/Anna’s kimono-style purple silk robes in Act 2 - I nearly DIED and cannot believe I saw that with my own eyes!! When he first steps onstage the robe’s open and he’s only wearing underwear so you get a nice chest glimpse, but then he sadly ties it. (Then proceeds to hilariously struggle with getting one of his arms through the complicated sleeves.) Oh, and did I mention the robe was paired with knee-high socks?

Adam is HYSTERICAL. He doesn’t come on stage for about the first twenty minutes, but when he did, it took all of 5 minutes for the audience to be in the palm of his hand, laughing at every other word he said. His delivery of all of Pale’s curse-laden, barely-logical rants and complaints is just masterful in comedic timing and effect. He’s a literal hurricane when he enters the show, flooding the stage with this frenetic, chaotic energy so intense he’s practically vibrating. He keeps everything at break neck pace, through 0-100 highs and lows where he’s bitching about parking one second, then animal-wail crying the next.

His character’s not likeable. Really, this is a testament and praise to Adam’s acting. After his first couple minutes on stage, there were stretches when I literally forgot it was him. When I was so taken in and then repulsed by this character in turns, his acting prowess overcame even my instinct to love him and everything he does on sight. I’m about to get deeper into the weeds on his character in the next section, but suffice it to say Adam’s performance is stellar and completely, convincingly transformative.

How heated does it get? The only intimate scene that happens in front of the audience includes some slow kissing, a bit down Keri/Anna’s neck, and wandering hands. The rest is implied off stage.

The play is set in the 80s, so while Keri looks KILLER in every single outfit, Adam’s suits are all big and baggy as was the style then and they’re not exactly flattering. His costume look is just a bit weird, not nearly as smolderingly hot as how they styled him in the promo pics. But even with that said.... The scene where they’re both close on the couch, talking softly before kissing happens? I would have still gone for him too. ;_;

The rest of this report is going to dive into and attempt to untangle some of the deeper elements and themes of the play. Stop reading here if you’re avoiding spoilers!

To my perspective, this wasn’t really a play about a smoldering, ill-advised love affair. Yes, that’s the main event, but this play is about so much more.

Anna and Pale are star-crossed lovers. No, not in the Disney or destined interpretation - I mean the proper, tragic meaning. Whatever is between them should not exist. Whatever is between them threatens and harms them both. Whatever is between them is not long for this world, and doesn’t belong in it.

But why doesn’t it belong? Sure, there are the technical, superficial reasons: Anna has a boyfriend; Pale is married with kids (though technically separated); They are polar opposite people - Sharing no visible common interests and with temperaments that couldn’t be more opposite.

What is the one thing stronger than all of that, which first brings them together? Their grief; Their shared (yet deeply personal and divergently different) senses of grief; The solace and understanding they can only find for that grief with each other. The loss they’ve both experienced is life-changing, and has no place to fit into or even exist at all in their normal lives.

And so, they hurtle into an affair that also has no place existing in their normal lives. By the end of the play, they both assert “I don’t want this.” To a certain degree, it’s the truth. It’s unlikely either of them would have willfully chosen to pursue the other, had they met under different circumstances. They would likely never have opened or even tapped at the floodgates of their attraction, unless they had both gravitated towards this dark, abnormal part of life outside the realm of everyday lives, jobs, rational behavior, and decisions.

To me, this play was really about confronting that abnormal, primal, and sometimes unfathomable level of being that exists below the everyday. Pale has a memorable remark about all the little lies people live with and show to the world each day. Sometimes - when it is cut open and its value or sense thrown into question by some great tragedy such as a loss like this - you lose touch with that everyday life and the person you think you are within that everyday world. It becomes painfully juxtaposed and shrunk tiny, in the face of something all-encompassing and all-powerful, like grief. It becomes exposed as paper thin; Everything within it questionable and perhaps useless.

There is something of the profound in an emotion like grief. When it’s shared with someone, it’s no wonder that that also unlocks some profound connection. Anna and Pale don’t like each other as people, and they certainly take no enjoyment in the grief that brought them together. Yet, the relationship that blooms from it contains a compulsion and truth neither of them can deny. Even though they “don’t want this” (the rational, everyday side of their minds talking), they both admit they’ve never felt anything like it before, and they keep finding themselves drawn together. They don’t want to want each other - It’s painful and frightening for both of them, and yet their attraction wraps them both just as completely as their grief.

Anna’s boyfriend Burton is the epitome of the everyday. He earns a lot of money, he’s a well-dressed gentleman. He’s a writer, and fancies he can capture and portray the entire spectrum of human emotion. Even “great love,” as he fumblingly attempts to describe towards the play’s beginning. Yet all his talk is vapid and empty; As is his relationship with Anna. Theirs is one of the everyday, rational variety. It belongs with the small lies we live with and put on and speak and perform each day - To keep our lives square and tidy and comprehensible.

Then - There’s the chaotic, unpredictable, bordering violent being of Pale. He is every sincere, larger-than-life emotion and base instinct most people tamp down and deny voice to. He represents the terrible, uncontrollable, threatening Truth of everyday masks, dark desires, and empty identities of performativity.

Their attraction is not something Anna can bear to look in the face. She throws Pale out and ends the relationship because that deeper truth of true emotion unlocked by her grief cannot coexist with her reality. Her ability to continue dancing, to continue the everyday life she’s trying so hard to believe in and trust the purpose of - It cannot contain Pale. He represents and unlocks profound, unknown feeling that casts the waking world as a shadow.

And yet for all that discomfort, she has an artistic breakthrough after the affair with Pale. She is inspired to finally choreograph Robbie’s final send-off piece. And with Anna, Pale unlocked a part of himself that was calm, gentle, and soothed - A version of himself totally incongruous with his own reality and the identity he wears. Both of them are changed through their journey together through the Profound. It is a deeply uncomfortable, destabilizing place that neither of them wish to remain in. And yet its power is undeniable; Its impact unforgettable. The very experience of it is something they seek comfort for and can only find from each other.

Is it better to tell little lies each day so the world will make sense? So you can understand exactly who’s looking back at you in the mirror, and the quotidian will shade your perception of the invisible and unfathomable depths of human experience? So everything will remain neat and in control?

Or - Does it give meaning to abandon control? To surrender to grief and undesired passion, for the sake of a reality that is uncompromisingly, viscerally, heartbreakingly genuine? The harsh, infinite light all the rest of life seems to be constructed to blot from our eyes?

I really hope that as more people see the play, people will start posting their interpretations as well! I would love some good analysis dialogues! In the meantime, I will now slide right back into flaily, trash fangirl mode.... Thank you for reading all this, if you got this far! Go see this marvelous, haunting play if you’re able!!

All the love to my fangirl besties!!! @reylonly Thanks for making it an amazing night! :’)))

[ferociousqueak]

A Review of the Year – Writing Meme 2018

I’ve been really terrible at answering memes I’ve been tagged in these last few weeks. Sorry about that everyone! But it’s a new year, and both @mordinette and @ripley95things tagged me for the thing a couple days ago so let’s get things started right :D

Total number of completed stories:

If you count all the one shots from Desstober (when I wrote a one shot for Dess most days), about 19. Considering the longfics I still have in the works, I’m clinging to that number to remind myself that I can actually finish the things I start.

Total word count:

I’m gonna go with words posted because the words written are kinda scattered and hard to count, so: 45,869. Oof. Probably my least productive year in a while, but that’s fine. Can’t change it now. That just leaves more words for me to write in 2019 :D

Fandoms written in:

Pretty exclusively Mass Effect, but @pagerunner and I are still kicking around a crossover for the shows Lucifer and Leverage.

Looking back, did you expect to write more fic than you thought you would this year, less, or about what you’d expected?

I definitely started 2018 with grander aspirations, but circumstances converged on me so that I had next to no Me Time for about, oh, nine months. (Not for the reason that length of time usually implies, but the real reason is headdeskingly similar *sigh*)

What’s your own favorite story of the year?

This question is so haaaarrrrd! Because I like a lot of things I wrote for different reasons. I like You shouldn’t have come here because it’s kind of the first moment Dess starts to grow up. I like All’s Fair because it’s finally letting my OTP ship sail. I like I know you do because it’s such a great brother-sister moment between Dess and Hadrian. I like You should have seen it because it was kind of a sweet moment and much-needed support between Dess and Alli. I like Light in the Dark because I don’t write nearly enough Vetra even though I love her with my whole heart. I CAN’T CHOOSE AND YOU CAN’T MAKE ME.

Did you take any writing risks this year?

Not especially. Well kind of. Not in technique or structure or anything. I’ve held the Hannah/Dess ship pretty close to my chest for a while now, but even though I’ve intended them to be endgame since pretty early in writing Hawks and Doves, I’ve written them almost exclusively platonically with a lot of subtext hinting at more romantic feelings. But in All’s Fair, they finally, finally, FINALLY kissed! I considered that kiss, and this ship, a bit of a risk because I’m working with one canon character who’s basically an OC and another OC, so there’s next to nothing in the games that hints at their story. It’s a whole new ship, specific to my universe, and it’s friends-to-lovers on top of it. I took a risk in hoping I’d written their relationship well enough to this point that anyone reading the story would either 1) at least be able to see the natural evolution of their relationship, or more ideally 2) actively want them to get together. So far, the response to them getting together has been overwhelmingly positive, so I feel like this risk paid off :D

Do you have any fanfic or profit goals for the new year?

YES! I wanna finish All’s Fair (or the gala fic, as I’ve been calling it) because then the whole Hannah/Dess ship will be solidified and I’ll finally be able to get on with things in Family Resemblance without that little turn of events hanging out there. And I know I’ve only got the first chapter posted, but there’s a whole lot more I’ve written. I just started posting it in November and then the holidays started happening so :/ Right now, I’m a couple hundred words away from having the next three or four chapters done :D

Best/most popular story of the year?

I’m not exactly sure how to measure this one, but I’m gonna say the first chapter of All’s Fair takes the cake because it’s a completely new ship that wasn’t in the games, and it’s had a pretty positive reception. And for just one chapter of OC shipping (and so far the only thing that’s happened is one kiss), it has about 100 hits, which is pretty good for me!

Story of mine most underappreciated by the universe, in my opinion:

I don’t quite like the implication behind claiming something is “underappreciated” because I’m always thrilled for any appreciation, but one story I think didn’t quite get the platform I would’ve like for it was Light in the Dark. It’s a good story, but the fandom for Mass Effect: Andromeda petered out a bit when BioWare said they were putting the franchise on ice. What can you do :/

Most fun story to write:

I had an absolute ball writing all those one shots for Dess in October, so I’ll take them together and say Between the Letters was the most fun :D

Story with the single sexiest moment:

I don’t usually write sexy things, so the kiss in All’s Fair is definitely the sexiest thing I wrote last year. Maybe People like you have no imagination is up there too, but it didn’t have the same emotion behind it.

Most sweet story:

I think Light in the Dark also gets this one. It’s a formative moment between Vetra and Sid as they’re trying to make it on their own, and despite the challenges, they can still take a moment to be sisters.

Story that shifted my own perceptions of the characters:

Justification, the chapter of Family Resemblance I posted last year, made me consider other aspects of my OC Bethany Greenwood. Before that chapter, she’d started to fade into the background, but after Justification, I have more plans for her :D

Most unintentionally telling story:

In 2018? Hm… I’m drawing a blank. If I’ve written anything that’s telling, it’s probably more obvious to others than it is to me :P

Hardest story to write:

FAMILY RESEMBLANCE OMG

Write an alphabet fic, I said!

It’ll be fun I, said!

Let’s make it a political intrigue crossed with a family saga spanning 30-ish years! And change perspectives every chapter! No big deal!

*cries about it*

Biggest disappointment:

That I didn’t write more :/ But I’m trying not to be disappointed about that. You can’t drive by looking in the rearview mirror. I might not have written as much as I wanted last year, but I have plenty to write this year :D

Biggest surprise:

That so many people are so enthusiastically on-board with Hannah/Dess :D My heart is so full that so many readers were rooting for them!

Number of fic chapters written in 2018:

One *cries about it*

Number of chaptered fics completed in 2018:

I think I need to call my lawyer…

Relationships:

Mostly Hannah/Dess, but there was also a little Dess/Adrian that was fun (if a little sad) to write! I also wrote a little bit about Dess/Cassia and their . . . interesting relationship. I consider Cassia aromantic and Dess demiromantic, so neither one of them considers their sexual relationship something that would ever last once it stopped being fun. They are friends, though, and Cassia does care about Dess being happy, so she’s actually very happy to learn about Dess and Hannah finally making romantic overtures :P

Proudest achievements:

Honestly, that I was able to write anything at all. I was especially happy about fleshing out some of Dess’s background and character (especially the parts that don’t include Hannah) because I feel like she’s more than just a love interest now. And the fact that I wrote 18 one-shots for her in one month surprised even me! I wanna do that again, but with Sana this time :D

Writing goals for 2019:

Finish writing All’s Fair. This is at the top of my list because I really can’t proceed with Family Resemblance until All’s Fair is done. Thankfully, it’s not supposed to be that long, maybe 40k words at most and I’m already sitting at about 20k.

Continue writing Family Resemblance. The next chapter is K (Kismet) and it’s mostly finished but still needs some pretty heavy editing—and it’s gonna have a special appearance by Adrian Nyx :D Then L (Liminal) still needs Alli’s half, but it’s gonna loop Bethany Greenwood into the story more tightly in Michael’s half, which is already done. Then M (Mindoir) still needs to be written, and I’ve been putting it off because it’s gonna be so hard on everyone :( Then N (Nexus) has Alli’s half done and about half of the second part, which will be from a perspective that’s neither Hannah’s nor Michael’s :D Really if I can work Alli through the rest of her pre-Alliance life (O, for Opportunity) this year, I’ll consider it a win.

Write a month of one-shots for Sana. It was a lot of fun when I did it for Dess, and I have a lot I want to write about for Sana in the same way! And for anyone wondering, yes. There will indeed be at least a brief glimpse at baby!Sana :D

Who knows? I might even post a little smut ;)

I think I’m also gonna start keeping closer track of my word counts this year. I’m not gonna set myself a word count goal, but I think it would be informative to know when I’m most and least productive and figure out why. Let’s say every first of the month I’ll tally the words from the previous month and break it down from there. Yay spreadsheets :D

Now for tagging! How about @pagerunner, @servantofclio, @black-rose4, @tarysande, and @thievinghippo. Only if you want to and if no one’s tagged you already, of course!

[bangtannoon]

When Will It Come?

Words: 2849

Genre: Romance

Pairings: taehyung x reader

 AN: HEY!!!! IM BACK!!!!!! I’m sorry I've been so active and on and off, school has taken a lot out of me. I've started college and transitioning has been hard. Since the crew is back together after a long time apart, it’s given me the motivation to start writing again since I felt so good writing and getting my emotions out. So I  hope you enjoy this, I was. originally gonna post it for Taehyung birthday but I'm too excited and I have something else planned so STAY TUNED!!!! okay, now I sleep because its 2am and I've writing this since 11:30 because I napped today and messed up my sleeping schedule.

“Tae we’re gonna be late, hurry up!” You say as you put your earrings on in the bathroom mirror. “Have you seen my shirt?” Taehyun says running into the bathroom with no shirt or shoes. You look away from the mirror only to notice how fit and tone he had gotten. “Have you been working out honey?” You say trying to hold back a smile. “Yeah, a little here and there gotta stay fit for my girl.” He says winking at you as he walks towards you wrapping his arms around your waist holding you tight. He leans his head down and places small kisses all over your shoulder and neck. You could stay there for hours, but you both had dinner reservations at the new restaurant that opened downtown at 8:30 pm/ and it was 7:56 pm. “Love, you need your clothes on, we’re gonna be late.” You say turning around to face him. He leans down and places a small kiss on your lips before heading back to your shared room only to tear it up looking for his shirt. “Where the hell is it?! I swear I wore it the other day.” He says starting to get angry. You look around and spot it hanging off of the ceiling fan from it being thrown in the air during the tornado that is Taehyung. “Tae…” You say to get his attention. He looks up at you, and you point towards the ceiling as his eyes follow your direction. He lets out a sigh of relief and grabs the shirt, dusting some dust off of it, and throwing it over his head. “What would I do without you?” He says. “You’d be running down the street with no clothes on that’s what you’d be doing.” You both stand there laughing. Taehyung and you had been together for five years and today was your 5th year anniversary. Every anniversary you’d had hoped for that moment every girl describes when their significant other gets down on one knee and pops the big question. And every year you're disappointed that it wasn’t going to happen. You’d finally become the idea he was going to propose to you. I mean you’re already married, until today. Every year the both of you would plan a small celebration such as going to a hike or taking a mini road trip to a nearby city. Tonight was different, Taehyung had made a restaurant at the fanciest place in town that had just opened up. You both got in your best clothes and took the time getting ready for each other which you hadn’t done since your first few dates together and it felt nice. It feels good to be getting ready for a special night with the love of your life. You were absolute, 100% positive that tonight was the night. “Are you ready?” Taehyung said as he peeked his head into the bathroom covering his eyes. “Why are you covering your eyes?” “Because I wanna make sure you're ready so I don’t spoil the surprise of how gorgeous you look.” You smile wide and throw on your lipstick and pack your bag with your essentials and turn towards Taehyung adjusting your dress and hair. “Okay, ready,” You say. Taehyung uncovers his eyes and opens them only for his mouth to drop to the floor. “Oh my gosh, you’re so gorgeous holy hell.” He says walking towards you with his hand out. You take his hand as he spins you around seeing every side of you. “Why thank you love, you’re not too shabby yourself, give me a runway walk.” You say. Taehyung turns around and proceeds to give his best runway walk towards you pausing for a second in the end to kiss you before turning back around to strut down the runway that is your bath mat on the floor. You both stand there laughing for a few seconds before heading out of the house.

four years earlier “Taehyung, what are you doing,” You say watching as he is walking back and forth in your kitchen. “I’m waiting for the food to be ready, I’m scared to take it out early, I don't want us to die.” He says. You laugh at his adorableness. “Cake isn't going to kill us.” You say in between small laughs. Taehyung looks at you and turns back towards the oven peeking one more time before finally deciding to take it out. You turn back towards the tv to find something entertaining to watch on Netflix before hearing a crash come from the kitchen. “Taehyung what happened?!” You scream jumping up from your seat to run to the kitchen only to find Taehyung surrounded by cake batter all over the floor and all over him. “What happened?” You ask again. “I didn't have a good grip on the pan, and it burned me, and I dropped it, and it went everywhere. Oh and also, the cake wasn’t done, if forgot to turn the oven on.” He says embarrassed that he ruined your anniversary cake and your kitchen floor. You fall to your knees and join him on the floor. You start laughing at him. “What’s funny,” He says. “There’s cake batter hanging off of your nose.” You say laughing so hard you can’t breathe. “Oh really, have you not heard of cake batter on your nose, it’s the new fashion.” He says getting up and walking out of the kitchen only to come back in and strike a pose. He starts singing classic runway music to himself as he struts his way in and out of the kitchen.

“Mr. Kim Taehyung,” Tae tells the man at the front of the restaurant. “Yes, we have your table ready, follow me.” You latch onto Tae’s arm as your follow the man to your table for the night. It was placed in the back of the restaurant near a small window overlooking the beautiful scenery. “Is this good for you?” The man asks. “It’s perfect.” You respond with a smile widens. “Any champagne for the couple?” “Yes, please,” Tae responds. The man nods and walks away. “This place is sure to fancy,” Tae responds looking at you making sure you’re okay with it. “It is, sometimes you gotta just be boujee for a night.” You say making both of you laugh. The night was filled with great food and great laughter. You slowly started to fall back more in love with Taehyung and felt all the butterflies just as you did years ago. But, as the food was being consumed and the champagne being toasted, it started getting closer to dessert, and that’s when most men pop the question. Your heart began to race, your legs began to shake, and you had trouble breathing. What if you weren’t ready for this? What if you’re making the worst decision of your life? What will happen when we have kids? These thoughts run through your mind causing so much anxiety to rise. But as you look at Tae, all those feelings go away, and you’re back under a little spell you like to call Love.

five years earlier

“Hi, I’m Taehyung.” He said reaching out his hand. This boy, this beautiful boy is talking to you. What do you do? Do you run? Do you speak to it? He’s too handsome for you even to open your mouth. You realize you’d been standing there too long, so you grab his hand hard and shake it, for a long time. “And… what’s your name?” He says after a few minutes of silence. “Oh, sorry, my name’s….uh…..uh….Y/N.” You finally respond. Butterflies start filling your stomach as he smiles at you. “Y/N, that’s a beautiful name for a beautiful girl.” He says. You swear your face turned so red that you could be Violet Beauregarde’s sister. The butterflies started growing and fluttering more as you looked more into this boy’s eyes. You were falling hard in love with him, and you don’t even know his last name. “Thank you.” You finally say. “Well, I hope to see you around. Here, let me give you my number in case you need anything.” He says as he reaches in his back pocket and grabs a piece of paper from his wallet and reaches to you causing your heart to beat out of your chest as he grabs the pen behind your ear. He writes down his number and puts it in a pile of folders you were carrying back to your desk. “I’ll see you around.” He says winking at you before walking towards the elevator. You swore, if you weren’t in public, you’d be on the floor trying to comprehend what just happened.

“Thank you.” You say as the waiter brings out your dessert. Taehyung immediately grabs his spoon and digs for the ice cream stuffing his face. “Love, we’re in public.” You tell him. He looks at you with his face stuffed in ice cream surprise. He looks around as he swallows and sits up straight adjusting his tie. “Yes, I am an adult man who pays his taxes and does his laundry.” He says to himself. You laugh at him as he takes your hand. Oh no, the time has come. Your stomach turns in knots and twists as you look into his eyes. He reaches behind him, and you almost lose it. Tears were filling up in your eyes getting ready for everyone around you to pull out their phone, so you become the next viral video. You close your eyes and slowly open them only to see Taehyung holding out a long box, not a tiny square one. You look at him with a questionable look. “Happy anniversary honey.” He says smiling at you. Still confused you grab the box out of his hand. “Okay, maybe they ran out of normal ring boxes and had to improvise with this.” You think to yourself as your brace yourself. You slowly open the box. Your heart beats as fast as it could ever go. You open it fully to reveal not a ring, but a necklace. A small pearl necklace. Not even a diamond one, a pearl one. You look at Taehyung disappointed but still smiling. “Do you like it?” He says. You look down at it. You look down at five years you’ve given to this man in front of you, five years of fights, five years of laughter, five years of waiting to be his wife. It looks like you’re going to be waiting another five years before the dream comes true, You look up at Taehyung and smile. “I love it.” You both lean in towards each other over the table and kiss each other.

You finally get home from not your engagement night. You walk in the door and take off your coat and shoes immediately. You make your way towards the bathroom not saying a word to Taehyung the entire rest of dinner or the ride home. You walk into the bathroom and reach for your makeup remover wiping the mask on your face and changing your hair from long curls to a messy shirt bun. You take off your dress only to put back on the pajamas you had on earlier and drag yourself back into the living room to see Taehyung changed out of his clothes too sitting on the couch scrolling through the TV. Now you know for sure, it's not happening tonight. You sit down next to him and place your legs over his. Taehyung turns the Tv off and turns his body to face yours while massaging your feet. “What’s wrong?” He asks.” “What? Nothing’s wrong.” You respond, you weren’t going to tell your boyfriend you were upset he didn't propose, that would just put so much pressure on him. “Something’s wrong, you didn't’ say anything after your gift, and you didn’t say anything on the ride home. Did you not like it?” He asks. You sit up and grab his hands. “No, I did love it,” which wasn't a lie, you did love the necklace, “it just wasn’t what I was expecting.” “What were you expecting?” He asks. “Idk…” You say getting up and walking towards the kitchen to get some water. “You do know; I know you know.” He says following you. “I thought you were going to propose okay?!” You say finally getting angry. “Why are you yelling?” He responds with a louder tone than yours. “Because I’ve waited more than five years for this and every year I think you’re going to pop the damn question and you never do and I don't know what to do anymore. My mother keeps calling me asking when we’re getting married. All my friends are married. I just want to experience that moment, and every year I set myself up for it, and I ultimately get disappointed.” You say frozen in the kitchen. As is Taehyung, his face turned from confused to shocked. “I…” He says. “No, it’s okay. I know you don’t want to, it’s okay.” You say walking away towards the back door opening up to allow the cold, brisk air to hit your exposed skin as you make your way outside into the garden.”

three years earlier “Tae!” You yell at the top of your lungs. He comes running around the corner frantic. “What?! Are you dying?!” He yells back. “What is this?” You say holding out another girl's underwear you found under the bed. Your heart broken into a million pieces, tears already streaming out of your eyes. “Y/N…” He says catching his breath and calming down. He starts walking towards you but you back away from him. “What. Is. this.” You say louder with every word. He doesn’t respond. “Are you cheating on me?” You say out loud causing more tears to flow out. Your shaking from the heartbreak filling your body. “It was one night.” He says. “And you think that helps any.” You scream at him throwing the underwear at him. You look into his eyes and you don’t see the man you fell in love with that one day in the hallway of your office, but you see a scared little boy who made a huge mistake. “I’m sorry.” He says. “Sorry doesn’t fix anything; I'm done.” You say walking past him, but he grabs your arm. “Y/N, you’re not walking out, after all, we’ve been through,” Taehyung says gripping your arm. “I need a minute Taehyung.” You say looking at him. “You never say my full name.” He says as tears start to form in his eyes. You look at him and begin to break down. You rip your arm out of his grip and run downstairs into the garden.

After a few minutes of sitting outside in the cold with your thoughts, you see the light come from your peripheral. You look behind you and see one side of the garden light up with fairy lights, and then the other part, and the other part until the entire garden was a magical wonderland. You looked around confusedly wondering when you even put these lights out here and if they had ever been turned on. Finally, you catch sight of Taehyung walking towards you with a big blanket. He sits down next to you and wraps it around you. “I don’t need it.” You say pushing him away from you. “Yes, you do.” He says as he moves your arm out of the way and paces the blanket on you. Warmth encircles your body, and you are content with life. “I’m sorry I made you feel that way all those years. I do want to marry you; there’s no other woman I want to spend the rest of days and nights with him. I want to have mini runway walks with you until we’re 87 years old and can’t even walk. I want to feel butterflies every time I look at you smile because your smile is what keeps me going throughout hard days at work. I want to be with you after every fight we have to be your shoulder to cry on and to be someone to just sit there with you as you collect your thoughts. I want to be there for it all and hopefully, one day is there for our child. I want to be with you Y/F/N.” He says as he bends down in front of you and pulls out a small box from behind him. You cover your mouth and start to cry. It’s finally happening. “I was gonna save this for later but I think right now is the best time to ask this. Y/N, will you marry me?” He asks. “OF COURSE!” You yell at the top of your lungs as you launch towards him causing the both of you to fall back into the flower bed. You were finally going to be his wife and bear his child and spend every waking moment with him. And you couldn’t be happier.

[malachitelibrary]

Astral FAQ

These are Frequently Asked Questions I get about astral. Please check this guide before asking me questions concerning astralling! This will be updated regularly, as I receive more questions.

What is the astral?

Note that this is MY definition: I consider the astral to be absolutely everything; our plane of existence, spirits’ planes of existence, pop culture realms, etc. The astral is everywhere and everything.

How does astral travel work?

When you travel, a small portion of your consciousness leaves your body.

This consciousness manifests as its own body on the astral, or it could “awaken” in an astral body you already have. In travel, you do not see/hear/feel/think as clearly as you do during projection, simply because only a portion of your consciousness has left your body.

What is astral travel versus astral projection versus OBE?

Note, again, these are MY definitions:

In astral travel, a PORTION of your consciousness leaves your body and is able to explore other realms.

In Astral Projection, nearly your entire consciousness leaves your body. Astral projection is much harder to achieve than travel. This is the “gold standard” of astral travel, where you see/hear/feel/think with complete or almost complete clarity.

In an OBE, Out-of-Body-Experience, your consciousness FULLY leave your body. As of right now, I do not believe this is possible without a near-death experience, or actual death.

What are some ways to astral travel?

Meditate.

Guided meditations

Trance

Have a spirit you know and trust “pull” you into the astral.

(Visualization) Imagine a door. Imagine/focus on what is on the other side of the door. Walk through it.

(Visualization) Imagine an X (pool, mirror, etc). Imagine/focus on what is on the other side of X. Walk through it.

Lucid Dreaming

“Splitting”: Imagine a copy of yourself hovering above you. Notice your consciousness in your own body, then “jump” your consciousness into that copy of yourself floating above you. Proceed to go where you want.  

What are some ways to astral project?

Just….keep practicing astral travel, maybe try new methods. I highly recommend reading Astral Dynamics by Robert Bruce, I have literally NEVER EVER found a more comprehensive, extremely informative, and yet still beginner-friendly and not overly complex guide to astral travel/projection.

Differentiating “true astral” from imagination?

True Astral:

will always have external interactions that are not in your own head; entities talking/living their own lives whether your imagination/consciousness directs them to or not. Entities moving independently of your will.

Spirits (good or bad) being able to follow you back home, to your physical body and interact with you there

Unexpected/Unpredictable occurrences happen

You get injured and it may hurt your astral body and maybe feel it a little physically too. Injury damages your magical abilities/astral abilities

Your astral body can die and you won’t be able to access “true astral” until you regenerate.

You can meet other humans consciously. As in, you can text your friend and meetup on the astral together, and talk about it IRL afterwards. 

Imagination:

You are in full control of everything.

What you expect to happen, will happen

Entities are like puppets or dolls; they don’t move around unless you imagine them doing so, and if/when they interact with you, it’s things you expected them to say

You will not tire, or will tire extremely slowly.

You die/get extremely hurt and nothing happens. You can regenerate at will/heal whenever and wherever you want.

You talk to your friend, then you talk to them later IRL and they have no idea what you talked about. 

Why do people always imagine common fantasy stuff when astralling? Don't you think astral and what happens there is just your imagination and happens in your head? I mean strangely all the people who talk about astral experiences describe common fantasy stuff. I'd say if astral was real it would contain a lot of stuff people can't even imagine, and yet everyone describes dragons, elfs, etc, that which their mind already knows, nothing out of ordinary. Isn't this suspicious?

One reason people generally imagine common fantasy is stuff is because that’s what most people care about, and thus go to. It’s hard to care about a species that humanity has never even encountered before, isn’t it? Also, how can you visit the realm of something you have never even heard of/can’t imagine before? Astral travel needs knowledge of where you will go to, so it’s pretty hard (and probably super dangerous) to just say “take me somewhere beyond my imagination.”

There’s also the problem of perception: during astralling, the mind usually replaces things you don’t know with things you do know of, to use less energy while astralling. While you can force your brain to show “the truth”, the more the thing you are trying to look at is beyond your imagination, the more energy and effort it will take to see “the truth”.

How do you do astral laundry?

Note: Not limited to this list.

Have a companion you’re comfortable with seeing you nude do your laundry for you.

Astral travel two feet away from your earth self, take your astral clothes off, put them in your washer/dryer (with your astral self or earth self), physically run the washer/dryer (you can wash other clothes with it). Take your clothes out, travel again and put your clothes back on.

Destroy your clothes and remake clean ones.

How do past lives affect current astral shenanigans?

You might appear as one of your past life forms/bodies. Spirits from your past lives could also attempt to find you on the astral (whether malicious or friendly, so always be cautious).

How to meet spirits on the astral?

Tl;dr:

1. Be able to astral and able to distinguish between astralling/imagination.

2. Go somewhere with spirits.

How to safely meet spirits on the astral?

There is no 100% guarantee of safety when astralling.

Some suggestions are:

Have spirit guides/guardians/protective companions take you somewhere safe

Actually know where you are going and who you want to meet

How do you keep possibly malicious spirits/entities/beings from following you back home?

This is what wards in your living space/where you are when you astral are for. Wards can fuddle your energy signature from being found by spirits you don’t want to find you.

Make sure you “come back” correctly; that you walked back through your imagined door, imagined yourself falling back into your physical body, whatever.

Do a centering exercise, which will help you “pull back in” trace amounts of energy you left where you went when astralling. Do make sure your wards are up first, to make sure nothing follows the “pull” back to your physical body. If you don’t know what centering is/how to do it, check the “energy work” section of my FAQ/my energy work FAQ post.

Manners/social etiquette/social skills in the astral?

Obviously those will vary a LOT based on where you go. I literally can’t write a comprehensive guide as the astral is home to a limitless number of cultures.

But some things to keep in mind are:

Don’t fight every single thing you see ever. Don’t try and provoke fights with every single thing ever. Retribution is a thing and the majority of spirits have the advantage when fighting in the astral.

Just because something looks scary doesn’t mean it’s out to get you.

Observe the culture, maybe talk with some of the nicer (and not trickster) locals who can tell you the Do’s and Don’ts of their culture.

Heeeeeeey people keep talking about different places in the astral and are they alternate locations all on the same plane or are there alternate astral planes with alternate inhabitants?

There are alternate astral planes with their own inhabitants, and alternate locations on the same plane.

Example of the former: We are on earth. Heaven exists on its own plane of the universe.

Example of the latter: We are on Earth. An alternate location on our plane of existence would be Venus.

Is it possible for entities/other people to drag you into the astral (forcefully or not)?

Absolutely, both people and entities can bring you to the astral. And they can do it forcefully or consensually (consensually obviously takes a lot less energy). 

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This will be updated every once in a while. Again, please check this FAQ before you ask me any questions concerning this, please ^-^

[autumnleavescoffeedreams]

Long List of GrayLu Headcanons

I got this little OTP headcanon/survey thing from a variety of places - some from Tumblr, some from Pinterest - so I can’t properly credit one person for this.

Anyway, I was suffering from major GrayLu feels so I decided to write some random GrayLu headcanons via survey. It’s a long post so I added a “keep reading” link. Enjoy!

Who asks weird questions in the middle of the night and who hits them in the face with a pillow?

Lucy, being a writer, has an overactive imagination; so it comes as no surprise to Gray when she wakes him up in the middle of the night asking him how turtles procreate. Gray will give her an answer - sarcastically, of course - and proceed to smack her upside the head with his pillow.

Who worries about what they’ll look like when they get older?

You would think it would be Lucy, but actually Gray frets about it the most. He can already see his features reflecting his father’s more and more with each passing day and, although he’s never told her, Lucy knows that seeing his father in the mirror every day brings back painful memories for him. Sometimes, when Gray is getting ready in the morning looking into the mirror, Lucy will pop out from behind him, wrap her arms around him, and give him little pecks all over his shoulders while murmuring how much she loves him.

Who hogs the blanket?

Lucy for sure. Gray never gets cold so he doesn’t mind when she starts gathering all the blankets on her side of the bed, although he will give her a hard time about it. But Gray doesn’t really mind; it just gives him another excuse to cuddle up next to her at night.

Who is more likely to cry over a sad book or movie?

Both of them can get emotional, but Gray hides it better. If they’re watching a sad movie, Gray will play it off by drawing Lucy to him in an embrace to make her feel better. However, he’s also comforting himself by doing this. Lucy knows but never says anything.

Who talks smack while playing video games?

When it comes to Gray and Lucy, they can both throw down the insults. Lucy will start right off the bat, goading Gray while kicking his ass. It usually takes Gray a couple of losses to get riled up but once he does, he doesn’t stop until he’s won.

Who would enter both of them in to a talent show?

Lucy, definitely! She would do it just to mess with Gray, who would be totally annoyed at first. However, his competitive nature would get the best of him and he would pour his heart and soul into the act so they could win. Sometimes he winds up being more enthusiastic than Lucy.

Who would accidentally set the kitchen on fire while cooking?

Both Lucy and Gray are actually really good cooks... separately. When they try to cook together, they get so caught up in cracking jokes and being goofy that they forget they are cooking until the smoke detector goes off. Then they both panic. “CRAP, WE BURNED THE RICE AND NOW THE STOVE’S ON FIRE!” “PUT IT OUT, GRAY!” “HOW?!” “ARE YOU AN ICE MAGE OR NOT?”

Who would throw the other into the pool?

Gray would never dare to throw Lucy into a pool (he’s too afraid of her retribution). Lucy can’t throw Gray anywhere so instead, when she’s feeling cheekier than usual, she will full-on body tackle her unsuspecting lover into the pool screaming something random like “GET DOWN MR. PRESIDENT”.

Who shops for groceries?

Both of them enjoy shopping for groceries together, mostly because they spend their time making terrible puns with various foods. “Hey Gray, if you were a fruit, you’d be a fine-apple.” “Luce, these eggs look.... eggcellent.” After about an hour-and-a-half of ‘shopping’, they realize they still only have two items in their cart.

Who kills the spiders?

Lucy hates creepy-crawlies so she always makes Gray kill them. Gray once asked her if she’d rather him just toss them outside instead of killing them but she refused. When he asked her why, she replied that she was afraid the bug would go gather his friends and then launch an invasion on their home as retribution. “And you say I’m weird,” Gray had muttered.

Who is the morning/night person?

Lucy is ready to go first thing in the morning but can still be fairly active at night. Gray is a night owl through and through; he loathes having to wake up early. The only thing that can get him out of bed in the morning is the smell of Lucy’s cooking.

Who proposes?

Although Lucy likes being independent, she is also a hopeless romantic and had always dreamed of being proposed to. This suited Gray just fine because he wanted to be the one to ask Lucy anyways. With Loke’s help, Gray took Lucy to the Celestial Spirit World and popped the question while Lyra played a beautiful melody. Lucy was moved to tears and leapt into Gray’s arms excitedly saying, “Yes! Yes! Yes!”

Which one cuts the others’ hair?

Cancer usually cuts both Gray’s and Lucy’s hair. However, there was one time when the two decided to let each other cut the other’s hair.... which ended in total disaster. Gray had a Bozo the Clown look going on while each section of Lucy’s hair was completely different lengths. Needless to say, Cancer had to fix their hair and the two of them vowed never to become each other’s hair stylist again.

Which one makes coffee for the other every morning?

Lucy, being the morning person, will usually make the coffee. However, when Lucy is sick or it’s a special occasion (like her birthday) Gray will force himself to get out of bed before her and make the first pot so she can rest.

Which one likes their music on full volume?

Lucy prefers to keep her music quieter, as she usually listens to music when she writes for inspiration. Gray loves his music and prefers blasting it as loudly as he can, sometimes purposefully invoking Lucy’s wrath just to mess with her.

Which one is ticklish?

Lucy is the most ticklish; you could tickle any part of her body and she would laugh. Gray didn’t seem ticklish at all until one day, Lucy accidentally found his weak spot. It’s the bottom of his feet.

Which one sings and which one plays the music?

Both of them sing together, with Lucy singing melody while Gray sings harmony and plays the guitar. One of their favorite songs to sing together is “20 Years” by The Civil Wars.

Which one says “no” right after the other takes a deep breath?

Usually when Lucy takes a deep breath while they’re on a job, she’s about to launch into a ridiculously hair-brained scheme that she believes is 100% foolproof when it isn’t (remember Galuna Island, folks). Since Gray is the only one she’ll listen to, he’s the one who immediately answers “NO” before she can explain.

Who is a fussy eater and who will eat food even if they dropped it on the floor?

Lucy is more of a picky eater than Gray... but then again, Gray will eat anything. He’s not as obsessed with food as Natsu is but he does love Lucy’s cooking. If any bit of food Lucy cooks falls on the floor, Gray will not hesitate to eat it. After Lucy questioned why he would do that, Gray replied nonchalantly “Tastes no different, really” to which Lucy rolled her eyes and said sarcastically “Gee, thanks for the compliment”.

Who has an adorable sneeze & who sneezes so aggressively they pull a muscle?

Much to his dismay, and Lucy’s enjoyment, Gray has a ridiculously cute sneeze. Lucy’s, though, sounds like an sonic boom. She sneezes so hard her muscles jerk reflexively, sometimes accidentally slapping Gray in the process. Her sneeze is so powerful, she’ll occasionally knock herself on her ass. Gray thinks it’s hysterical.

Who has better puppy dog eyes?

Gray has cute puppy dog eyes, but Lucy’s are way better... and she knows it, too. That’s how she manages to get Gray to try things he normally wouldn’t do (like the talent show). She thinks that Gray isn’t on to her little trick but he totally knows; it’s just another one of her quirks he loves.

Who uses their words to fight & who uses their fists?

Gray, as he’s gotten older, prefers to settles fights through verbal exchange; he’ll only fight with his fists if he’s sparring with Natsu. Lucy uses her legs, even when she’s 80 years old.

Who says “I love you” first?

Juvia was constantly making declarations of love to Gray so when Lucy discovered that she had fallen for the ice mage, she decided to wait and let Gray be the first one to say it. Gray took his sweet old time, however, and Lucy thought that she might just have to initiate. Then, one night while they were on a date, Lucy made an adorable laugh that caused Gray to accidentally blurt out, “I love you!” Lucy was shocked for a moment, then gave Gray a quick peck on the lips and said cheekily, “Geez, what took you so long?”

Who makes the puns/shitty references?

They are both equally as guilty when it comes to this; however, Gray makes more puns while Lucy makes the shitty references.

(Fun Fact: Gray’s favorite meme is “Lemme smash” while Lucy’s is Kermit sipping the tea)

Who has the most scars?

It’s actually a tie. One night, Gray and Lucy were trying to compare scars to see who “won” by having the most. When they realized they both had the same amount, the competition escalated to Lucy saying, “Yeah, well I saw myself die!” and then Gray retaliated with, “I did die!” They both paused for a moment then laughed for an hour at how ridiculous they sounded.

On a side note, Gray is proud of his scars as they show everything he’s been through... but he hates seeing Lucy’s scars because it reminds him of everything she’s been through.

Who has the most nightmares?

Lucy’s nightmares are darker and scarier (comes from having an overactive imagination) but they’re not frequent like Gray’s. He's always had them but ever since he started dating Lucy, those awful memories of seeing her battered and broken at the Grand Magic Games or getting severely burned by END’s book will come back to haunt him. They both will wake up from their nightmares, panting and/or weeping, and the other always wakes up to comfort them with soothing words such as “Don’t worry, I’m here” and “We’re safe”.

Who screams during horror movies?

Lucy will freak out and scream at the little suspenseful moments when nothing truly scary happens, making her snuggle into Gray. He will wrap his arm around her and say something like, “Come on, Luce, it’s not real.” Of course, as soon as the real monster shows up, he joins Lucy in cowering behind the blanket. They have yet to make it through a Conjuring movie...

Who is a dog/cat person?

Gray is a dog person. Lucy is a Plue person :)

Who pushes the door when it says “pull”?

Lucy will accidentally push on a door and get frustrated right away. With a snicker, Gray will point out the “PULL” sign on the doorway. Lucy will give a huff and Gray will laugh... and then proceed to do the exact same thing Lucy did.

Who uses all the toilet paper without replacing it & who is left stranded on the toilet?

Gray never remembers to replace the toilet paper when he’s done with it. He’ll be sitting in the living room when he hears Lucy shriek from the bathroom, “DAMMIT GRAY HOW MANY TIMES HAVE WE HAD THIS DISCUSSION?”

Who always forgets to remove their headphones before they stand up?

Gray, every time. Lucy will be making dinner in the kitchen when she hears a loud crashing sound coming from upstairs, followed by Gray’s voice uttering a chain of profanities. With a smirk, Lucy will call out,“Headphones?” to which Gray replies “... Yes” in a sulky tone .

[cutefruitundies]

I Get Paid to Have Pelvic Exams So Yours Will Be Better

By Alithea Howes Originally printed on Rewire.News

My pelvic exam proceeds as normal. Well, sort of. I use a small mirror to watch the doctor’s hands as she examines me. I give her the speculum and squirt it with lube I brought from home. When she finishes, I thank her and smile. Then I get ready for the next one.

“How was that?” The instructor proctoring her test asks me.

“Pretty good,” I say. “She needs to put more posterior pressure on the speculum when she opens it. That’ll be a bit more comfortable for the patient.”

I go to the OB-GYN like it’s my job—because it is.

As a gynecological teaching associate (GTA), my job is to teach medical students, registered nurses, and sexual assault nurse examiners (who collect evidence and care for survivors) how to conduct breast and pelvic exams in the most comfortable and empowering way possible. I act as the patient, but also a teacher, so a student can practice and get feedback in real time.

I heard about this job at a storytelling show. Most of the GTAs I work with have some medical training, mostly as doulas. I had no medical background, but I wasn’t afraid of public speaking or being naked in front of strangers, so I decided to look into it. I took a month-long training course that consisted of learning the techniques ourselves and a script about the best ways to interact with and educate patients. Soon I was on the road, teaching students all over New Jersey and New York.

A class usually has three to five students. I talk through each procedure, then the students practice on me. If it’s a more complicated or sensitive procedure, like any part of the pelvic component, I talk them through it as they go, watching their progress in a hand mirror. The students watch each other practice the exam so they can see and hear the instructions as each student goes through it. The visual and aural repetition, combined with the actual practice, helps the student retain the knowledge.

Sometimes a school will have GTAs come back a month or so later and act as patients to test the students on what they’ve learned. In those sessions, we save our feedback for after the exam, only stopping the students if they’re about to hurt us.

The teacher writes down my comments on the test, and we wait for the next student to be ready.

“I wish we’d had you guys back when I was a student,” he says to make small talk.

“Yeah, it’s still not as common a program as I’d like,” I admit. A 2016 survey of almost 100 medical schools found that more than 70 percent of those institutions used GTAs to teach pelvic or breast exams. “I don’t know how you would teach this without a GTA.”

“Usually we just practice on patients who are unconscious after surgery.” He says it so casually. Like it’s not the creepiest thing I have ever heard. I wonder how often this happens. There is not good data on this practice, but some medical schools have stopped doing exams on people who aren’t awake or without specific prior consent.

When I manage to speak again, I ask, “Do they get the patient’s consent for that?!”

“I’m sure it’s in the paperwork somewhere,” he says, shrugging. Never before have I been so compelled to read the fine print.

It’s not clear why GTA programs aren’t used in every school. But one reason is likely cost: Hiring someone and paying them per student is certainly more expensive than the alternatives. An anesthetized patient costs nothing. Some schools encourage their female students to let their peers practice on them, again at no cost to the school. But performing exams on unconscious patients or asking students to volunteer their bodies is ethically questionable.

Some medical schools take other approaches. Cadavers are useful for a large number of lessons across different medical specialities, so many schools use dead bodies. The practice of using corpses for teaching future doctors goes back to the earliest days of medicine. That demand once fueled the rise of “resurrection men,” who robbed graves for bodies (often those of poor or marginalized people) during the 19th century.

Today, latex models are also an option. In theory, a latex model is a one-time expense—a good investment. But in practice, the models are not as elastic as an actual vagina and tend to break if you insert a speculum correctly. So the student either breaks the model (incurring more costs) or learns to insert a speculum in a way that is painful for an actual person. So if you’re wondering why your gynecologist keeps hurting you, it may be because they’ve never heard someone say “ouch” before. Or they’ve never had someone tell them that this exam isn’t painful if done correctly.

There’s also a stigma around paying women for doing work with their bodies. Some people have argued that GTAs are sex workers (in previous times, sex workers were used to teach exams) and therefore should not be hired by medical institutions. Sex work can mean a lot of things, but the barebones definition of sex work is making money by actively working to turn someone on. I’m in a hospital gown under fluorescent lights. I usually don’t even brush my hair or wear makeup. I’m using clinical terms. If someone is getting turned on, it’s through no fault of mine. And even if you want to ignore my experience and say that this is sex work, what does that say about using unpaid students or unconscious patients?

Becoming a GTA has taught me a lot about my body. I learned that when I’m having sex and it feels like I’m getting hit in the belly, my partner is hitting my cervix and I should probably change positions if I want that to stop. I’ve learned where my urethra is and that I don’t want anything to come into contact with it.

But what matters to me more is the information I can give my students. I’ve taught countless women—medical professionals themselves—what Kegel muscles are and why you need to exercise them regularly. No one has admitted to this, but I’m quite sure I’ve shown a great many people where a clitoris is and how to find it. (Hint: Just push back the clitoral hood. It’s that easy.)

Most importantly, I’ve reminded my students that their patients are human, have feelings and histories, and want to know what’s going on with their body. Too many times, I’ve been to a doctor and had them judge my life choices or make me feel bad for being sick. Or they’ve written me a prescription without telling me what was wrong with me or how I could prevent it from happening again.

When I teach my students, I tell them how to talk to their patients. I tell them what words to avoid so that they don’t accidentally make their patients uncomfortable (for example, no one wants to hear “spread your legs” in this context.) I tell them how to educate their patients about their bodies so they can know what everything looks and feels like when it’s healthy and better identify problems when they arise.

And your health-care providers need this instruction. In many cases, practicing with a GTA is the first time they’ve done this procedure with a live patient. Medical students—often nervous, overworked, and exhausted—sometimes pass out during a GTA session.

Luckily, the only student to faint during my “exam” was uninjured; she just needed to sit down for a while and have some water. After the class, she stayed behind to thank me for the work I was doing.

“I had a really bad experience when I was a teenager,” she explained.

“That’s why I had to leave the room. I don’t know what the doctor did wrong, but it hurt so much, I’ve never been back. I know it’s important for my health,” she said. Her voice trailed off in shame. This was a future doctor who was afraid to go to the doctor.

“Well, would you like to take home a speculum?” I offered, grabbing my bag of disposables. “That way, you can practice it at home when you’re comfortable. And maybe that can take some of the fear away.”

“I can’t.” Her voice faltered, but she forced the words out. “I’ve never …  touched myself. Down there. I was so worried I would hurt myself like the doctor did.”

I was horrified into silence for a moment. One moment of negligence, something her doctor probably didn’t even remember, had affected this woman so negatively that she was afraid to touch her own body. I finally managed to say, “During an exam, most discomfort comes from making contact with the urethra, so make sure to avoid that.”

“I wasn’t here when you showed us where everything is.” She seemed scared, but asked, “Could you show me?”

I got back on the table. I showed her where she could find the clitoris, urethra, and the entrance to the vagina. I told her that the urethra is sensitive to pressure and probably the source of the pain she felt during her exam. I suggested she give herself some time with a hand mirror to get to know her body.

I will never forget the relief she showed just seeing and understanding actual female anatomy. Moments like that are the main reason that I do my job. Though students are learning, they’re usually very attentive and want to follow instructions to the letter. The work is physically demanding, but not as much as you may think. I only average about two classes a week, and having a job that helps people is worth a little soreness to me. As part-time jobs go, that’s pretty great.

I teach hundreds of medical professionals a year, and that helps the countless people they will see in their careers. The students I’ve met in my years of work have been so kind. They are so concerned with hurting me, so afraid of doing something wrong. I can’t imagine how nerve-racking it would be to try to perform a pelvic exam on an actual patient, having only seen a video of how to do it or only practiced on a disembodied latex vagina. My students are all so grateful for the opportunity to learn from me and to practice on an actual person. And I am incredibly grateful to have the opportunity to teach them.

I hope that someday every university will realize that it needs a GTA program. And that if you’re going to learn about the human body, it’s often best to learn on an actual human body. Preferably one that’s alive.

Original article:

https://rewire.news/article/2017/08/21/get-paid-pelvic-exams/

[cryptoga-blog]

2018's Large Dilemma: Can Bitcoin Forks Provide Price?

http://www.cryptoga.com/news/2018s-large-dilemma-can-bitcoin-forks-provide-price/

2018's Large Dilemma: Can Bitcoin Forks Provide Price?

Elly Zhang is a London-centered world advertising skilled who prospects Asia growth initiatives for bitcoin and ether wallet startup Blockchain.

The following write-up is an exceptional contribution to CoinDesk’s 2017 in Evaluate.

This 12 months has been pivotal for electronic property like bitcoin and ether, ensuing in unprecedented price tag boosts, funds expenditure and typical awareness.

But despite these successes, just one of the essential properties of all cryptocurrencies – their decentralized mother nature – has been less than attack in 2017.

With this in head, it is truly worth remembering that a main value proposition of blockchains is that there is no just one central intermediary or business that controls them. Rather, these protocols are utilized to empower the community to come to a consensus on the validity of transactions and info.

Bitcoin was the 1st electronic payment system to purpose with out a central repository, and the principle (relatively novel in 2009) is now commonly approved and getting to be extra ubiquitous. But the world’s 1st blockchain has developed considering the fact that its humble beginnings, and today there are variations on the authentic – most notably, bitcoin hard cash and bitcoin gold.

Forks have grow to be so common just one may possibly get in touch with the design an initial fork presenting (IFO).

Not just bitcoin gold and bitcoin hard cash, but more bitcoin variations initiated by Chinese firms these as “tremendous bitcoin,” “bitcoin diamond” and “bitcoin god” are on the way.

And though all might be obtaining a sector, it is truly worth inquiring the concern, are these networks providing on the promise of the technology? And must shoppers care?

Framing the concern

An argument can be manufactured that the a few cryptocurrency networks are all unique in how properly they encapsulate the vision of bitcoin as a decentralized community.

But it is truly worth noting, way too, that decentralization is commonly attained by sector economics.

When pondering about this, I’m reminded of the typical concern questioned by Soviet leader Mikhail Gorbachev in 1988:

“I haven’t found a single bread queue. Be sure to get me to fulfill the individual in cost of giving bread to London. I ought to learn his magic formula.”

In reality, there was no just one in cost for giving bread to the city of London, that’s why there were being no queues.

Although bitcoin was the 1st so-named “decentralized” products constructed on blockchain technology, there are arguments inside of the community as to no matter if it constitutes authentic “decentralization.”

There are those who argue that the ability and impact of the mining field results in the community getting extra centralized than most people today envisioned. To guidance this place of view, it is important to revisit Satoshi Nakamoto’s e mail about the authentic structure of bitcoin.

He writes:

“Extensive right before the community will get everywhere in the vicinity of as substantial as that, it would be safe for customers to use Simplified Payment Verification (portion 8) to test for double spending, which only requires obtaining the chain of block headers, or about 12 KB for every day. Only people today making an attempt to develop new cash would want to run community nodes. At 1st, most customers would run community nodes, but as the community grows beyond a selected place, it would be left extra and extra to professionals with server farms of specialised components. A server farm would only want to have just one node on the community and the rest of the LAN connects with that just one node.

The bandwidth may possibly not be as prohibitive as you consider. A normal transaction would be about 400 bytes (ECC is nicely compact). Every single transaction has to be broadcast twice, so allows say 1KB for every transaction. Visa processed 37 billion transactions in FY2008, or an ordinary of 100 million transactions for every day.

That numerous transactions would get 100GB of bandwidth, or the size of 12 DVD or 2 High definition high-quality movies, or about $18 truly worth of bandwidth at latest costs. If the community were being to get that large, it would get numerous many years, and by then, sending 2 High definition movies above the Web would most likely not appear to be like a large offer.”

This e mail helps make distinct that Satoshi Nakamoto predicted that managing community nodes would grow to be the duty of a few mining pools or “professionals” rather than individual customers.

What’s a lot less distinct is what he would have manufactured of the results of his program.

The bitcoin hard cash challenge

So significantly, it appears to be Satoshi’s authentic scaling proposal actually boosts the ability mining pools have in deciding the foreseeable future of the community.

We saw an case in point of that firsthand when China’s builders and miners tried out to come up with a new option to perceived community congestion – forking off to develop bitcoin hard cash.

Bitcoin hard cash is in essence a blockchain asset produced applying a software package implementation named Bitcoin ABC. The software package excluded a relatively controversial code alter named SegWit and has a block size of 8 MB, up from 1 MB on bitcoin. The new rules produced a new community.

Now, there is even now some ongoing disagreement amongst the community as to no matter if bitcoin hard cash constitutes a challenging fork of bitcoin or must be considered a different “altcoin,” but we are going to help save that for one more time.

Related for this conversation is the reality that 70% of bitcoin’s mining ability belongs to China’s miners, and the reality is that these entities can very easily be a part of forces. Bitcoin Funds, I think, is a prime case in point of that.

Thanks to the guidance of BTC.com, BTC.Top rated, ViaBTC, AntPool (all of which have immediate or doubtful connections to Bitmain), it can be argued that bitcoin hard cash turned a centralized industrial products controlled by China’s miners.

Weak inbound links in bitcoin gold

With the expanding price tag of bitcoin hard cash as a backdrop, some others adopted the design.

A different fork of bitcoin took spot this slide, bitcoin gold, which sought to incorporate technology utilized by other cryptocurrenices built to block elements that led to extra centralized mining.

Much less is recognised about bitcoin gold, but according to its site:

“Bitcoin gold decentralizes mining by adopting a PoW algorithm, Equihash, which can not be run a lot quicker on the specialty gear utilized for bitcoin mining (ASIC miners). This provides ordinary customers a good possibility to mine with ubiquitous GPUs.”

Endeavours are underway by now to create FPGA chip miner for zcash, even though, and with development here, it may possibly only be a issue of time right before they develop an ASIC chip. If that’s the circumstance, then mining may possibly yet again shift absent from customers back to traditional mining pools.

To this likelihood, we may possibly request, what was the place of the fork to commence with?

One particular possible motive: considering the fact that original coin choices (ICOs) are banned by the Chinese authorities, there is an hunger by Chinese-centered crypto firms to develop new enterprise products.

Open issues

Moving into 2018, I think it is important that we remedy key issues about this development.

These contain no matter if forks of bitcoin may possibly actually be weaker in delivering shoppers with decentralization, whether prospective buyers want access to those properties or if “decentralization” is simply just a buzzword and advertising ploy for all cryptocurrencies.

In the long run, time will notify no matter if bitcoin, bitcoin hard cash, or bitcoin gold results in being the most common, but the great thing about an open sector is that customers get to determine what has the best value or utility.

If the teams behind the scenes can’t offer extra value than rivals, then their asset will struggle to endure.

That stated, I you should not assume to at any time see comprehensive consensus across any of these crypto property. As costs proceed to rise, I suspect extra exterior powers, no matter if they are authorities, institutional or inside of the bitcoin community, to attempt and exert their impact and ability.

When the time arrives, we might be thankful that we took the time to recognize how to satisfy Satoshi’s vision in the way he required it to be, if not just how he envisioned it to be done.

Disagree? CoinDesk is looking for submissions to its 2017 in Evaluate series. E mail information@coindesk.com to pitch your idea and make your sights listened to.

Disclosure: CoinDesk is a subsidiary of Electronic Currency Team, which has an ownership stake in Blockchain. 

Extravagant cutlery impression by using Shutterstock

The leader in blockchain information, CoinDesk strives to offer an open system for dialogue and discussion on all points blockchain by encouraging contributed posts. As these, the thoughts expressed in this write-up are the author’s personal and do not always mirror the view of CoinDesk.

For extra specifics on how you can post an view or analysis write-up, view our Editorial Collaboration Tutorial or e mail information@coindesk.com.