#problem is last time I played I had some really aggressive intrusive thoughts about the lyrics and in turn

[helladventurers]

I also should look into trying to beat devil survivor after strange journey 👀 now that I have a ton of content I can watch to while I play and I can ignore the main battle music

[otterbagel]

The Reunion (Part 1) Simon x Reader

Reader makes a rash decision, one that has long lasting consequences.

(Notes: There are two parts to this! Next part should be out next week. I'll probably start spacing out my posts after this so I don't get burnt out like last time. Also, didn't get to edit this one as much as I should've; the whole thing ended up pretty long and would take a long time everytime I tried to edit it. Can't believe it took me this long to finish one about Simon!!!)

"Hey, this is quite the unusual find, you gotta admit."

   Your eyebrow raised without hesitation, your eyes looking down to check your shoes. "Not really," you remarked softly, eyes going back up to meet the object of the discussion: a PL600 android.

   The salesman, who had uncomfortably started hounding you for the sale after you had curiously drifted towards the humanoid, was gesturing towards it flippantly with a toothy grin. "At this price?! Tell me, no, tell me where you found one this cheap— in this good a condition?"

   Your mouth automatically frowned. The arms were covered by a dark undershirt that made most of the skin unseeable— any damage not on the face and hands wouldn't be factored into the buying purchase. You had a feeling this clothing choice was intentional.

   "Just three hundred bucks!" The seller's round face turned into your line of sight. You quickly looked away out of discomfort.

   Your eyes landed onto the android's clear blue ones. You hadn't looked very closely at any androids before, despite walking amongst them nearly every day. Did they all look this lifelike? 

   Maybe you were looking way too into it. 

   You swallowed, aggressively fumbling for your wallet with a grunt of annoyance. "Okay, fine. Three hundred."

   With a pleased noise, the seller took off with your card, waving it in the air between two of his fingers. 

   You crossed your arms beside the android, who didn't seem to take any notice of what had just transpired. 

…

   Reality had begun to hit you like a truck on the way home.

   By the time you opened the door to your tiny house, you realized just how big of a rash decision you had just made.

   The android stood behind you quietly and without complaint as you released the door handle, letting the door softly bang against the wall. You stared dumbly into your own house, coat hanging limply from one of your dangling arms as you searched your brain for a solution. 

   You frowned, shaking your head rapidly. "I have no room for this."

   "Excuse me—"

   You jumped at the android's sudden intrusion into your own self reprimand, a small noise of fright escaping you before you could even begin to think of holding it back.

   "—would you like me to get started?"

   "Uh, yeah yeah yeah, uh… do whatever you want," you waved it off awkwardly, holding a hand to your chest as you attempted to catch your breath. You hurried inside, embarrassed of the whole situation. 

   You sat down on the couch as the android closed the door and walked past you and into the kitchen.

   Without turning it on, you stared at the TV as your fingertips rubbed against your face in nervousness.

   That had been such an impulse buy. You couldn't believe you had done that.

   The faucet turned on for a moment. You think you had put a cup in there, but there wasn't much else to clean.

   It seemed to be working properly. The guy who sold it was certainly odd and abrasive, but all in all it was a pretty good deal. Usually they were more than twice as much; newer models so expensive that the thought of you owning one was impossible. Even if it had some cosmetic damages, that was a small issue compared to its functionality.

   Trying to ignore the strange new entity in the house, you flipped on the TV. It was the news.

   There was some story about a recent fire that had decimated a small apartment building on the outskirts of Detroit. The police said it likely had something to do with Red Ice, although most evidence would probably be destroyed.

   The android had finished whatever it was doing in the kitchen and had quietly begun watching the TV from the archway. 

   You looked at it as it parted its lips in preparation to speak. "Are you a fan of the news?"

   "Sort of," you chuckled, looking back to the screen. "I work at a newstation— not this one, but I like checking it out from time to time."

   The android nodded, continuing to watch the screen as it held its hands politely behind its back.

   You looked it over, getting that feeling of nervousness again. "W-what's your name?" You blurted out quietly and without any grace.

   It blinked at you, the LED spinning blue for a second. "My previous owners named me Simon. Would you like to change my name?"

   You shook your head to yourself. "Do you like your name?"

   It squinted at you in confusion before returning to its natural, composed look. "It's good," it responded.

   Although you tried to maintain a jovial body language, you weren't doing a good job. "Great! Si… Simon is a great name," you chirped out awkwardly.

   "Thank you," Simon replied, giving a small head bow.

   You turned your head away from it as you felt your face grow warm with embarrassment. 

   What on Earth was happening to you?

   

…

   You had been having a strange dream about work when you heard someone calling your name.

   "...huh…?" you called out groggily.

   Your name again. "...I think you're going to be late for work at this rate…"

   Your eyes fluttered open. Simon was fiddling with his hands as he held them in front of his chest, eyes moving between you and the clock beside the bed.

   It said 8:32.

   The comforter was flung nearly off the bed as you jumped up in a panic. "Oh geez, yeah I'm gonna be late…" Random clothes filled your arms that you grabbed from your drawers as you prepared to go to work. "Thanks for waking me."

   Simon quietly made his way over to you as you tried finding a pair of socks. "I didn't hear you walking around this morning," he said with a chuckle. "And where you stayed up later than usual last night… I figured…"

   A laugh escaped you as you headed off towards the bathroom to get ready.

   He had been living here… maybe three months? It had seemed like a much longer time than that. In that amount of time, things had definitely changed between you two.

   Despite it being his intended purpose, it felt strange to have someone doing all your housework for you. It became an odd ritual pretty quickly: once you got home, you would work on chores together. Not that there were many— that was one of the perks of having a small house— but it just made you feel better about the whole thing.

   The whole process was a bit cathartic for you; away from the hustle and bustle of the busy, stressful life at the newstation and into a warm, domestic one.

   You hurried to the front door to slip on your shoes, Simon leaving his spot on the couch to see you off. 

   "I think I'll make it on time," you joked as you looked up at him. "Thanks again."

   "No problem…" he responded quietly, struggling to retain eye contact with you.

   As you rose to your feet, he gave you a brief hug. Your face immediately began to burn bright red.

   "Have… have a good day at work…" he stuttered out before walking in quick strides to the kitchen.

   You were still frozen in place by the time he exited your vision. "Y-you too…" you blurted out before fumbling out the door, realizing your linguistic blunder before you had even closed the door.

   As you headed down the street, you let your hands touch your heated face. 

…

   You had nearly run home out of excitement.

   It had been such a small thing, but the prospects of your future career had your mind going nuts.

   After fumbling to get the key in the door and tossing it open, you slung your coat off your arms in a fluid motion. "Simon! Simon! You won't believe it!"

   He was sitting on the couch— like he usually had been over the past year— engaged in some overly dramatic show you weren't particularly fond of. His eyes were wide at your sudden entrance. "Yes?"

   You let the door make its way closed before you kicked it shut behind you, holding your arms out. "They said they liked my article!"

   Simon stared for a moment before his LED flashed in excitement. "THE article?" He sat up on the edge of his seat, smiling at you as he was filled with a wave of positive energy.

   "Yeah!" You nodded. "Not to get you too excited, but they're showing it to some of the higher ups, but it looks like I might get my own schedule slot soon!"

   "Oh wow!" He exclaimed, rising to his feet and taking you into his arms to lift you up for a split second. "I knew it would happen! I'm so proud!"

   You erupted into a fit of giggles as he held you, almost enjoying his praise as much as your own success. "Thanks Simon, I couldn't have done it without you."

   He released you, letting his hands rest against your sides. "That's not true," he responded quietly, his face red as he looked to the side.

   With a warm smile, you nodded to him. "Yes," you drawed out for effect. "You even came up with the idea. And, not to mention, the moral support."

   He stepped back a little, crossing his arms as he attempted to hide his expression of happiness. "You're too kind."

   The TV played in the silence, Simon fiddling with the edge of one of his sleeves as he pulled it down.

   Your mind raced as you looked at his hand, debating on bringing it up right now when the mood was so light.

   "They mentioned… uh... increasing my pay," you began, watching his expression for any hint of distress. "I thought that maybe… we could finally… you know… get that fixed…"

   His hands trailed along his sleeve as he nodded to himself, seemingly lost in thought. "Yeah," he responded. "That would be nice… but it would be so expensive… are you sure?"

   It had taken a few weeks to first see it, and even longer for you to see the full extent of the damage, but your initial thoughts had been correct. The long sleeves had been put on him for a reason, and it had seemed as though it had gradually become a personal choice as well.

   His forearms and biceps had a lot of physical damage, certainly from his previous owners. 

   Luckily, it had been almost purely cosmetic. Aside from a few light dents and scratches to his actual body, it was just a matter of getting the covering fixed. As of now, the white sheen of his android body was always visible underneath his sleeves.

   You wrung your hands together out of nervousness. "I just know how you said that you wanted it fixed," you took in a sharp inhale. "It won't be a problem to actually do, I've already been saving for a while…"

   He smiled, rushing in to hug you again. You, a bit caught off guard this time, was frozen in place.

   "I'd like to put the past behind me," he said as you finally came to and hugged him back, albeit still in a bit of a shock. "I think this is the first step."

   As you embraced, you couldn't help but feel a pang of excitement and anxiety.

[wisherbysharlight]

WHAT IF... SANDERS SIDES BUT MAKE IT A TROPEY TEEN BEACH AU

Endgame!LAMP. Dukeceit, Remile

Just 2k stream of consciousness words from a plunny that grew legs TW for v slight underage drinking, one joking mention of violence, and a non-specific discussion of intrusive thoughts

-Janus has just moved there because his parents wanted to start a new "adventure" and he is a Stereotypical Teenager. Very "ugh MOM I wanna go back to my FRIENDS for my LAST SUMMER BEFORE COLLEGE"(most of his friends suck. He should not spend time with them. He does not know this)

His Parents buy him a surfboard and tell him to try it out as a way to get him to Shut Up

Hes a Skater Boy(cue music) so he picks it up super fast from like,,, youtube videos

 -He gets told to Get a Job if he wants to like, keep buying surf gear?

All the local kids work at like one restaurant/yacht club type place right on the beach

Janus gets hired as a host

 -Logan is a beach badge checker, Patton, Roman, and Remus are beachfront restaurant waiters but Roman just Really Wants To Surf, Emile and Virgil are Lifeguards, and Remy is a bartender

 -Janus is Very Good At Customer Service because Fake Smiles

Patton recognizes this Immediately

He shows him the Rage Closet which is a tiny room with an arm chair that locks from the inside where you can punch a pillow on your break when it gets to be Too Much

-Janus is Attached now and there is no getting rid of him

Patton Fully Endorses this and introduces him to the rest of the group

Janus Knows Immediately that LAMP is In Love but says nothing because he aint no snitch

-Remus surfs, but he also always wear a thong while doing it

Roman wears a full wetsuit and somehow still gets Board Rash. Remus is somehow immune and it infuriates him

 -Janus, not knowing that the twins live right on the beach cuz they are RichTM: Hey Ree I kinda wanna learn how to surf would you be able to teach me 

Remus, who religiously watches Janus surf every morning, but is absolutely willing to play this game: Yeah absolutely

Patton, later: “lets rinse off at the twins they’re right here” Janus: theyre.... What?!

 -Meanwhile, elsewhere, Virgil and Roman are double teaming Logan to drag him into the water with them cuz he’s pouting about losing a debate with their manager about how he didn’t really be mean to the dudebro who wanted to get his buddies onto the beach without paying, he was just enforcing the rules. And if the dude was so offended by Logan’s Very Accurate Dragging that he complained to management then, well, that’s his problem not Logan’s

 -Logan is never without a book. Ever. And its always a different book. Janus is starting to think he owns a library

One day he is just... reading a Physics textbook. Not taking notes or anything. Just reading. 

Roman is Very Very Alarmed by this because he is Gay and Math is Scary

"Roman I'm also gay that is not a determining factor"

"Yeah but you can't drive"

"...fair"

 -the first time janus has a shift with the twins, he cant stop staring, not just because hes like,,, super attracted to Remus but also because they are like Chaos Incarnate and yet somehow get the most tips??? He doesn't understand???

It's just cuz they are both Huge Flirts and Flatterers and the patrons dont care that they're not-so-subtly beating the shit out of each other right there on the dining floor because theyre just so charming

 -one of the bartenders gets aggressively snapped at by a customer and called "sweetheart" and before Janus can even begin to react Remy is there, sunglasses off, fire in his eyes, telling them to settle their bill and get the fuck out

Janus, used to City Restaurants- "Wont you get in trouble with the owner?!"

Remy, who knows Nothing Else But This- "What?? Not likely I only did it cuz Thomathy wasnt here to do it himself"

 -the restaurant is closed Monday and Tuesday so that is the Pseudo Weekend for the staff where everyone hangs out at the beach

Emile and Virgil take Tuesdays off but still work Monday’s cuz they feel better being the one watching over their friends

 -Roman, staring at Virgil on the lifeguard stand: ugh he’s so pretty I almost wish I was drowning just so he could give me cpr 

Janus: you wanna potentially get your ribs broken just for lip contact? 

Remy, staring at Emile on the lifeguard stand: listen, if that’s what it takes, I’ll take it

Remus, immediately going up to the lifeguard stand because he has 0 impulse control: hey my brother and cousin want you to break their ribs 

Virgil and Emile: excuse me?????

 -Patton will literally spend hours in the water. Logan physically drags him out to put sunscreen on him every two hours to the minute. Patton does not admit that he purposely "forgets" just so Logan will do so

Logan is Dark and has never used sunscreen ever but Patton is so pale and he just gets so concerned about him. Patton thinks its adorable

He has pages of research on proper spf determination.

Roman and Remus use spf 15 just on their faces and have never once burned in their lives

Logan wants to submit them for scientific study because that shouldnt be possible

Virgil calls Logan out on the fact that he also should be wearing sunscreen and Logan like... blue screens he cant believe in all his research he missed that

 -Patton is like... a ridiculously strong swimmer. Virgil still has a heart attack every time he goes for laps when there is the slightest hint of an undertow

Patton Knows This so he tries to stay in Virgil's sight line for the most part if there is an undertow. Or just dives over the waves again and again.

His nickname is Ariel. He thinks its just cuz of the swimming and the fact hes a red head. LAP all separately also tack on that its the swimming, the red hair, and the hnng pretty 10/10 would follow out to sea ala Prince Eric

 -first beach bonfire Janus goes to Remy is Fully In Emile's Lap like... half an hour in

he has had like maybe a sip of a beer

Remus says he still claims this is because he is a Clingy Drunk

no one will call him on it, least of all Emile

 -there is truth or dare. Roman may or may not skinny dip you have no proof

 -Logan gets infuriated that he cannot roast a marshmallow properly

Patton does it perfectly every single time but its ok cuz he shares and Logan eats it right from his fingers and Roman and Virgil are just in the background Trying and Failing not to be the Most Jealous

Patton thinks theyre upset they didn't get marshmallows and makes some for them too and there is lots of Significant Eye Contact involved

Janus is going to spontaneously combust if they don't get their shit together

 -Janus is out walking on the beach one night on a full moon cuz he cant sleep with everything so quiet around here when he sees a bright green patch out in the water and goes ...wait

he calls out to Remus and he comes into shore and is like "waves are perfect at night you should join me" so janus goes back and gets his board and they surf and chat for like the entire night

Janus finds out Remus couldn't sleep cuz intrusive thoughts were keeping him awake

Janus listens and doesn't judge, just lets Remus talk it out

They go back to shore and fall asleep on the sand next to each other like mid sentence still talking, now about whatever creative business idea Remus had, and get woken up by Logan's morning rounds like "come on guys you know you're not allowed to sleep out here" but they dont care theyre both just *blushing emoji*

-Logan Always Has A Notebook right? And a regular book he reads. And everyone assumes they are like Notions and Observations, but no, it’s actually blank paper and he uses it to sketch and then one day he leaves it behind and someone either Virgil or Patton finds it and flips through it and it’s all sketches of them and Roman and they’re like??? Actually really good? Anyway that’s how they find out Logan is actually minoring in art even though he’s majoring in something Very STEM 

And he never told his best friends because like almost all his pre college art is Them and he doesn’t want to be caught having Feelings and by the time it gets to college it’s been too long and he can’t tell them now 

Roman takes one of the sketches of him surfing and makes it his profile picture on All Social Media He Has and Logan is so flustered he nearly breaks his damn phone

Patton is so offended he didn’t get invited to Logan’s first showcase that he doesn’t talk to him for like two whole hours 

Virgil quietly asks if there is any art of all four of them, finds out there is, and makes a print and keeps it on his bedside table

 -They are all Pining Outwardly Now and its Worse

 -Remus : you have known them since pre-k please ask them out I beg of you 

Roman: You just dont get it 

Remus: I asked Janus out after 4 weeks what is your problem

 Emile: Virgil, I love you, you are my Partner in Anti-Drowning but you are so stupid 

Virgil: What???? All I said is that you and Remy are really cute and I'd love to be in a relationship like that 

Emile: I am not a violent person, Virgil, but I have the strong urge to smack you

 Patton, in the Rage Closet: They're all just so hOT and ReSPEctFUL 

Janus, waiting for his turn, trying to act like he cant hear him: I Am Looking Elsewhere

 Logan: I just don't understand why they were more upset that I didn't tell them than that I'd been making art of them for years?? Shouldn't that second part be worse??

Remy, who has been partial to Every Single One Of AMP Waxing Poetic About Logan: Yeah, no idea /s

 -the twins get into a surfing competition as a pair and everyone goes to see them and support them

Thomas airs the competition on every tv in the restaurant cuz he’s Proud of his Bois

They WIN cuz they are Creative and Talented and came up with all sorts of crazy tricks while they were fucking around in the water but it earns them Major Bonus Points for originality

 -Roman does the run off the podium and into Love’s arms trope with just like... whoever’s closest lets go Patton because he is a Waif and forced himself up front so he can see

The other two are Devastated because well shit but then Roman pushes through the crowd, still holding Patton’s hand, and gives them this smile and is like “remember in like second grade when we said we’d do everything together and made a pact on this beach”

Analogical: uhhhhhh yeah

Roman: holding you both to it. No take backs. This counts. Now kiss me, dammit, we WON and they DO MANY TIMES AND ITS REAL CUTE

 -Meanwhile dukeceit have Mysteriously Disappeared and No One wants to be the ones to go find them. They show back up, eventually. Janus has a branch in his hair and remus' hair is sticking straight up and when he opens his mouth roman glares at him and tells him in no uncertain terms that they do not want to know

 AnYWaY these are my children and I will gladly answer any questions about them. I left out Janus Backstory and Creativitwins Angst and Many Individual LAMP Scenes and Remile/Dukeceit getting together and Epilogue but can absolutely provide such things on request

[tosikoarts]

SFW Alphabet | Tsukishima Hajime

Here he comes, my favorite boy. You can check tosikowrites tag for more. Warning: there’s a lot under the cut.

A = Affection (How affectionate are they? How do they show affection?)

Showing affection is something Tsukishima forgot how to do. It is almost foreign to him after what happened with Igogusa, after years of war and service under the leadership of Tsurumi. He knows exactly how easily happiness can be acquired and how easily it can be taken away, by unknown forces and by someone close to him.

An obvious sign of interest would be gratuitous help that Tsukishima offers to the person. When everything falls out of hand, he is right there to catch. Tsukishima does little errands in between taking care of Koito’s whims and bigger ones he saves for later to look at them closer. He genuinely enjoys helping them and seeing how grateful smile lights up their face.

Another one would be small gestures like walking them home after dark or bringing unpretentious little thingies that made Tsukishima think of them. If he goes to the market and notices their favorite candy, he will surely buy it. At times, it gets more serious. For example, if they wanted nice new shoes, Tsukishima will save money up from his sergeant's salary to afford the best pair in the shop.

Letters. So many letters. A soldier's life presents a gift in the form of partings, and in order to somehow compensate frequent  goodbyes and innumerable kilometers between them, Tsukishima puts his heart and soul into letters. They may not be that frequent, and he keeps crossing out words that seem too sweet, but it is the very intimate way to maintain the precious bond.

B = Best friend (What would they be like as a best friend? How would the friendship start?)

Local mom-friend that takes care of you when you are suffering the worst hangover and saves your ass from last night’s consequences. Tsukishima puts all the effort to shield his best friend from problems, and if they are inevitable, he has a clear plan of actions how to fix unfixable and repair unrepairable.

Responsibility is another of his distinctive features. When it comes to school or work, he is second to none: Tsukishima is up to help with difficult tasks or take on the role of mentor. He is amazingly good teacher, albeit strict at times, that has the ability to explain the most confusing concepts better than that Indian guy on YouTube.

Is it worth mentioning that he is a devoted friend? It doesn’t matter what happened between him and his friend in the past, Tsukishima always comes back to them. No distance, no time, no other people are able to make him turn around and leave a friend to the mercy of fate.

Probably the friend you think you know well but suddenly it turns out he has more dark secrets than the most deranged madlad from your fried group. Also, you can’t judge him. Only accept. You know if Tsukishima had to do somthing, he had his reasons you are not allowed to question.

C = Cuddles (Do they like to cuddle? How would they cuddle?)

Yeah, of course, but he hasn’t cuddled anyone in years (young whining Koito that craves reassurance and family warmth doesn’t count) so it may be awkward. It is very likely that he will simply move over, apologize, and wait for the next time when he is more comfortable with all of love dumped on him. Tsukishima doesn’t care about positions and will adapt to the partner’s desires whether they want to spoon him or be kept on his lap. Cuddles are combined with back rubs, massages, head pats, even hair brushing and braiding if they are not afraid of tangles.

D = Domestic (Do they want to settle down? How are they at cooking and cleaning?)

Both wants to and is afraid of settling down by himself, left alone with his loved one. Over the years spent in the army, he lost the sense of life’s fullness, and now Tsukishima drifts freely without a specific direction. Military is where he belongs to, it gives him purpose and reason to exist, and as time passed, he forgot how to live outside the barracks. Gentle persuasion would be the best option to assure Tsukishima in his ability of living normal life. Maybe, owning a small house overlooking rocky shore and sparkling ocean isn’t a bad idea, he just isn’t ready to accept it. Both great in cooking and cleaning, prefers to do the latter.

E = Ending (If they had to break up with their partner, how would they do it?)

He is visibly uncomfortable when confronted about working late and postponing previously such long-awaited dates. Tsukishima is lost for words since he can find none that could describe how sorry he is. Inner guilt forced him to defer this moment until the last minute: breaking-up right before another trip (the further the better) will make it impossible to crawl back to them when loneliness overtakes him again. Overthinks a lot. Nevertheless, Tsukishima finally speaks out in an even calm voice, as if he is reporting to his superiors, apologizes, and bows low. So low that chances of meeting their surprised gaze drop to zero. He quickly retreats without giving them the opportunity to say anything in return. Drinks more than usual during the trip, makes Koito nervous with unfriendly passive-aggressive aura he carries for weeks.

F = Fiance(e) (How do they feel about commitment? How quick would they want to get married?)

This is the part where Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up starts playing because this is the man who fits all of the chorus lines perfectly. Tsukishima grows attached to the loved one fast and after this he is physically unable to think romantically of anyone else. Igogusa’s memory is another proof of his deep, borderline painful commitment. One year or year and a half is enough time for Tsukishima to start looking at municipal government office with certain interest. He takes marriage very seriously though, he dates for it, not for entertainment.

G = Gentle (How gentle are they, both physically and emotionally?)

He is what a soldier is trained to be (so not so gentle in physical plane) but you don’t have to dig deep to see Tsukishima’s hidden soft core. In everyday life, he's an absolute sweetheart. All he really wants in a relationship is to love and be loved, that’s all. Tsukishima doesn't even have a lurking desire, intrusive thoughts of messing with the feelings unlike some individuals. Soft, soft, soft, and he doesn’t deny it.

H = Hugs (Do they like hugs? How often do they do it? What are their hugs like?)

It feels like a child’s hug: tight and unhesitant, with his hands wrapped around person’s waist and face buried in their neck. Light blush covers Tsukishima’s cheeks and he can’t stop smiling. If his partner is smaller than he is, Tsukishima will pick them up, and if they are taller he will try to hug them as if to almost hide in their arms. Picking him up will result in embarrassed exclamations but Tsukishima actually enjoys their attention.

I = I love you (How fast do they say the L-word?)

One year is the limit. Less time than 6 months feels a little bit rushed to him and more than one year seems like an unnecessary delay. Tsukishima is expectedly sincere in his confession; he doesn’t hold back and wriggle because of how confident he is in his feelings. It is not a long rehearsed monologue but a stream of consciousness, full of confessions how he likes their shining eyes, how their clumsiness makes his day a little brighter, how their whole character amazes him from day to day. The only thing that can possibly overwhelm Tsukishima is the overthinking of their possible negative reaction. One of his biggest fears is to appear too persistent with the confession and scare them away so he puts a lot of thought in choosing the right time and the right place.

J = Jealousy (How jealous do they get? What do they do when they’re jealous?)

Obviously expects his partner to reject any cheeky suitor since he understands that their natural beauty is hard to resist. If they choose to accept stranger’s attentions, Tsukishima feels insulted and betrayed. Trust is a key factor in the relationship so such irresponsible attitude towards the loyalty huts him deeply and rises suspicion of oncoming break-up. Also, being in limbo and asking himself whether they want to be with him or not takes a toll on Tsukishima’s psyche. He becomes more withdrawn and taciturn and spends more time busy at work with trying to distract himself from intrusive thoughts.

If his partner decides to go around and flirt, Tsukishima will be overtaken with anger. He is furious. The glass in his hand sonorously cracks under the pressure while he watches them ungodly teasing unsuspecting men. He doesn’t start a fight or scream at his loved one and keeps everything inside. It is enough for him to witness such behavior two times to leave them without long explanations and quarrels.

K = Kisses (What are their kisses like? Where do they like to kiss you? Where do they like to be kissed?)

A bit inept and greedy. Tsukishima tends to defer the kiss until his partner is ready to nicely ask him for one but after that he is completely in for a ride. The last time he kissed anyone is unknown-how-many-years-ago so it is natural for Tsukishima to be a little bit sloppy and eager. Lip kisses are golden classic and fits his character perfectly. It takes a good push to shift things in more intimate direction though. The most efficient way to do it is to play on Tsukishima's weaknesses: the back of his neck as well as earlobes and straight line down the spine. A few gentle touches and hardened composed soldier melts down like an ice on the sun.

L = Little ones (How are they around children?)

If you want to calm down a crying baby just give it to Tsukishima. It seems like kids feel sympathy when looking at his tired face and try to cause little trouble so as not to disappoint him even more. Smart children clearly amuse him, and Tsukishima strongly encourages their desire for knowledge, their curiosity and ambitions. Every now and then sudden thoughts about starting his own family pop up in his head but Tsukishima is kind of indecisive. Right now he is not ready to take on such responsibility, but in the future, dream of starting a big family could become a reality.

M = Morning (How are mornings spent with them?)

It is impossible to catch Tsukishima in the morning during work week and it still isn’t that easy on the weekend. Insomnia keeps him up at nights so his day can start a long before his partner opens their eyes. On such nights, he goes for a lonely walk around the block and, on his return, prepares a light breakfast for two. There are also rare moments when Tsukishima falls asleep right before first sunbeam reaches earth. Those are the days when he sleeps in and refuses to get up from the bed, trapping his loved one in tight cuddle. Nuzzling into their neck, Tsukishima mutters that he needs five more minutes and he will definitely let go but five minutes turn into half of hour, then hour, and he never fulfills the promise.

N = Night (How are nights spent with them?)

A great lover of a quiet pastime he is, Tsukishima likes to spend evenings playing intellectual games like shogi and reading whatever comes to hand. One of his favorite activities is resting his head on the partner’s knees and listening to them reading aloud haikus or other classic Japanese works. On warm summer nights, Tsukishima likes to go to the river or lake for skinny dipping since most onsens are separated by gender. Even if there is one that is not, he would still prefer more secluded place where there is no reason to worry about onlookers. If his partner wants to something more active and social, they will have to choose something not too overwhelming. Small friend gatherings are okay but huge parties drain the rest of the life from him.

O = Open (When would they start revealing things about themselves? Do they say everything all at once or wait a while to reveal things slowly?)

Here is the thing: to pull personal information out of Tsukishima you have to know what to ask. You can’t say “Tell me how you got into army” and expect a little frank story, no. It would take a whole “It seems you and Lieutenant Tsurumi share some story” or something even more shifty to make him open up about this topic. It doesn’t mean that he is trying to hide something on purpose, but it definitely means he never had anyone to trust. Any claims that he is too secretive offend Tsukishima too.

P = Patience (How easily angered are they?)

Utter unshakable calmness in the middle of 7th Division craziness, either way because he has seen too much shit already or because he has no active neurons to react to it (insomnia, your know?). As a person who puts up with brain-juice leaking leader, spoiled naive brat in the dawn of youthful maximalism, mentally unstable fan boy, and mutilated lack-all on the verge of breakdown, he won’t even pay attention to small inconveniences. In quarrels, Tsukishima always appeals to rationality and perfectly avoids any escalation of the conflict. You have to ruin his life for him to snap, and when he does, someone’s neck will snap too.

Q = Quizzes (How much would they remember about you? Do they remember every little detail you mention in passing, or do they kind of forget everything?)

Pays attention to them whenever around but forgets most of the stuff easily. Tsukishima only remembers one or two specific details that he can use practically in the future, like what their allergies are or what they want for the birthday. For the rest he has a small personal page in the notebook where he writes down little things that definitely will not stay in his memory for a long time. His writing comes in the code of abbreviations and numbers to make sure nobody pries into his personal life.

R = Remember (What is their favorite moment in your relationship?)

Used to be the one responsible in the group, he would probably remember moments where he was the one that had to be cared for. For once Tsukishima came down with a high fever and unbearable weakness, and it was a moment when his loved one jumped into merciless care-mode. He was put into bed with three pillows, teacup waiting for him on the nightstand, and even the most determined statements that he needed to finish some things have been met with indisputable refusal. They spun around him bringing medicine, food, and water whole day so Tsukishima couldn’t stop blaming himself for the helplessness. At the same time, his feelings of gratitude and love intensified with every thoughtful gesture so by the end of unfortunate leave Tsukishima almost regretted returning to his usual hectic life.

S = Security (How protective are they? How would they protect you? How would they like to be protected?)

Previous experiences with both romantic relationship and role of sergeant-nanny taught Tsukishima one thing: danger is always there, even if it is not visible to the naked eye. A passerby can hide a loaded gun under his clothes, so there is not point to talk about hired killers, invisible diseases, natural disasters etc. Based on the above it is natural for Tsukishima be on the alert. He wants to know where his partner is going and with whom, warns them about his gut feeling if he has one, and, of course, intervenes at the sight of real danger without any second thought. Like this man would give up his life for a person who deserves it. Not at any point in time, Tsukishima expects his partner to protect him but if it happens, he will be extremely mad at them and himself too.

T = Try (How much effort would they put into dates, anniversaries, gifts, everyday tasks?)

Tsukishima has a low social battery for the most of the time so he has to manage energy according to importance of the affairs. There is always a little bit more saved for his loved one, but you can’t really tell that he puts all of the effort into relationship. If work affairs did not suck the remnants of happiness from him, Tsukishima may stop and get a nice box of sweets or fruits. For special dates like their Birthday or anniversary, he saves money for a worthwhile present: for a female lover he would probably go for a beautiful silk tenga obi with celebratory motives or handmade jewelry box, and for male lover he would choose chopsticks with personalized engraving or exquisite lacquerware. Performs household chores well, although sometimes he has to be reminded about their existence.

U = Ugly (What would be some bad habits of theirs?)

Although Tsukishima is a stronghold of common sense, - he always keeps everything to himself, puts on a poker face, - once person gets on his nerves, they will see the worst side of him. Thanks to the famous reliability, Tsukishima learns where person’s weak spots are fast and he can easily hit them where it hurts with bold spiteful words.

Puts work over relationships. Setting to serve the homeland faithfully and unquestioningly rooted deep in his mind and now it is impossible to re-educate this shabby sergeant. Even in serious relationship, Tsukishima remembers about his duty as a soldier and as a son of Japan so he takes a lot of additional paperwork home.

As someone who used to be ordered around, Tsukishima still needs a guidance in the relationship. It takes a lot of thinking and weighing the pros and cons for him to make a decision but the partner’s opinion will be crucial nevertheless. In critical situations, he is perfectly oriented, but in a steady life? Not so much.

V = Vanity (How concerned are they with their looks?)

Cares enough to wash, dry, and iron his own uniform and brush up muddy toecaps of own boots. Tsukishima tries to blend in with surrounding, not to pop up, so he keeps his style in muted neutral colors (that applies to both clothes and shoes) and prefers strict uniform to anything else. In his view, moderation is the sister of style so the only thing that can make him pull off fancy apparel would be direct order from the First Lieutenant Tsurumi. Indifferent to how people perceive his physical appearance as well.

W = Whole (Would they feel incomplete without you?)

If his partner decides it is a time to part the ways, he acts maturely, thanks them for the great moments that they shared and everything they achieved together. Even though Tsukishima is hurting, he keeps bitter reproaches to himself, knowing that lashing out won’t do anything good. It is not his style anyway. Few weeks need to pass by before the hurricane of emotions settles down and their image ceases to be associated with a romantic relationship. Instead, Tsukishima faces them again with a proposal to start everything from scratch. Leave everything behind and become friends. Just friends. No hard feelings. Honestly, being close to them is everything he asks for. If they decline, Tsukishima won’t bother them again, but if they agree, he won’t ever leave their side.

Their death is a punch to the gut. It is like Igogusa’s disappearing all over again, but more painful, more deliberate, more distinct. To say that he is heartbroken is to say nothing at all: division soldiers notice how gloomy their sergeant has become, they feel uneasy under his sharp look. It feels like one wrong word and he will snap. Now Tsukishima’s nihilism turns into total indifference to existence: he puts himself in danger just to see how long he can last.

X = Xtra (A random headcanon for them.)

Another one who has a great singing voice. He never ever sings in barracks or anywhere near his comrades but Tsukishima’s voice is charming: he has a sweet soothing bass-baritone that sounds the best in lullabies or ballads. Even though his partner may never hear a proper serenade, they may catch him quietly singing to their child instead of reading old fairytales.

Y = Yuck (What are some things they wouldn’t like, either in general or in a partner?)

Tsukishima can tolerate A LOT and turns blind eye to person’s bad habits for the sake of avoiding unnecessary stress. Therefore, there isn’t much that irritates him and even less that can drive him on the walls.

Grubbiness is one of the habits that Tsukishima cannot ignore. Clothes scattered around the room, unwashed dishes, and heaps of unnecessary junk get on his nerves but he keeps composure and never complains.

Loud noises, including chewing, smacking, munching, are annoying too but Koito’s constant monkey screeching desensitized him to the degree when Tsukishima takes a deep breath, prays to gods not to go apeshit, and goes on with his day.

Oh, he also hates summer. Hot temperatures force Tsukishima to soak in the bath three times more often than in winter or any other season.

Z = Zzz (What is a sleep habit of theirs?)

Those bags under his eyes are Gucci Yoshida. Well, okay, Yoshida was established a little bit later but this is not so important. Tsukishima suffers from insomnia for who knows how long, and no doctor can help him. On sleepless nights, he just sits by the window and reads in the faint candlelight, still cherishing the hope of falling asleep in the morning. After moving in with his loved one, nothing really changed beside Tsukishima changing his habitual reading spot from armchair by the window to a more secluded place in another room. He doesn’t want to wake them up by accident.

In general, Tsukishima sleeps around 3-5 hours per day with occasional awakenings during the night. His sleep is shallow and filled with disturbing dreams in which shapeless shadows haunt him, driving him south of Mukden, where many of the Japanese brethren found eternal peace.

[dukeofonions]

Deceit’s Somewhat Acceptance Arc (And Why It Feels Off)

So I was gonna do the video game post first, but then I remembered I’d started this one before I left for the weekend and decided to finish it. As a result, it’s kinda messy and my thoughts are all over the place, I had to delete and rewrite is several times, but I think I managed to get my overall thoughts there. 

As always, this is just my opinion. You are free to agree, disagree, or feel completely indifferent towards a random person who spends their free time dissecting fictional characters. 

We all good? Let’s go then. 

I won’t lie, Deceit was the best part of this video. I didn’t think he’d be included as much as he was. Originally, I thought he’d be content to lurk in the shadows and let Thomas deal with the repercussions of not heeding him in the first place and leave him to sort through the mess himself without his help. Possibly having a cameo in the end, foreshadowing some major event that’s soon to take place, but I was completely wrong and he got the best freaking entrance and completely owned the episode. 

It was great, seeing him take on his role of self preservation and defend Thomas, who was being harmed unknowingly by Patton with how far he was taking things. He encouraged Thomas to start taking better care of his mental health, was given a seat at the table, and even showed they could trust him by revealing his name: Janus

It was wonderful, beautiful, and I have a lot of issues with this. 

Let me explain, on its own, the whole scene building up to Deceit revealing his name, and the following aftermath, is perfect. 

What feels off to me is Janus himself, he feels like a completely different character compared to the Deceit we met in Can Lying Be Good? and saw in action during Selfishness vs Selflessness 

To start, let’s briefly go over Deceit’s character throughout the first 5 episodes we see him in before we get to POF. 

In his debut, Can Lying Be Good? He spends a majority of the episode disguised as Patton. Pushing Thomas to lie to his friend in order to spare their feelings and to avoid the possibility of Thomas being hurt. He’s shown to enjoy the distress the others are going through as the situation becomes more and more uncomfortable, and even gets close to being aggressive when Thomas decides he needs to be honest in this situation. Once it becomes clear Thomas won’t listen to him as Patton, he drops his act and reveals himself. 

Immediately, we are given the impression that this is not someone we can trust. From the music, to Deceit’s entire demeanor, even the Sides’ reactions to him are enough to enforce that idea, as well as Deceit’s reactions to them. 

With Logan, he immediately silences him, growling almost as if he’s annoyed and has had to do this before. He doesn’t really pay Logan any mind after his reveal and ignores him for the most part and Logan is more than eager to expose him for what he is. 

Roman states that he “Hates this guy and his creepy snake face” while adding that he’s “Very kind” which Deceit responds to by giving him a false compliment. Showing right away that this has also happened before with these two (Logan is about to comment on the exchange but decides not to bother)

Virgil clearly has some deep rooted animosity towards Deceit. With the glare he shoots him and the two immediately throw insults at each other which comes back to play in almost all of their interactions. 

We don’t really get much in terms of what Deceit’s character is really like with this first episode. We know he can be a threatening presence, but also has a bit of a goofier, dorky side to him as well. At this point, we’re not sure what his goals are or what his relationships with the other Sides are like (It’s obvious they all don’t like him) but for a while, this was all we got. 

His next appearance was a brief cameo in Logic vs Passoin where he showed up after Logan exclaimed “I won’t have you lying to yourself!” Where he gave an evil chuckle, flipped Thomas off, then sank out without a word. This still didn’t give us much in regards to Deceit’s character, other than enforcing the fact that he didn’t like Thomas and showing that he had a bit of a mischievous side as well. It did, however, show that Thomas was easily distressed by him and wasn’t entirely on board with having Deceit for a Side yet.

 After that, he disappears for 2 episodes before showing up during the end card of Embarrassing Phases, which is one of my favorite scenes in the series, and one that now causes a bit of problems which I will get back to later. Just note that this scene once again reinforces these things about Deceit: He is a threat, he can’t be trusted, he still has a bit of a goofy side, and on top of that his rivalry with Virgil is expanded upon and the idea that these two have a history is put up front and center. 

Then finally, we get our first official episode that takes all we’ve learned about Deceit and amplifies them in Selfishness vs Selflessness. What we get is a character that can be cool and charismatic, but can also be silly. It’s still unclear what his overall goal is, and he delights in being proved right and winning against the others. 

An interesting thing to note here is that all of the interactions Deceit has with the other Sides in CLBG Come back into play here. 

He ignores Logan and keeps his input limited, he uses flattery on Roman to sway him to his side, and of course him and Virgil still have their rivalry, revealing more and more just how much Virgil hates Deceit. We also finally get to see his relationship with Patton, and see that he seems to hold almost the same amount of animosity towards Deceit as Virgil does. Thomas himself isn’t as frightened by him anymore, and is willing to hear him out, but he still doesn’t trust him. 

Throughout the “trial” Deceit openly mocks the others, discredits them, and when he “wins” he rubs that victory in Thomas’ face and is shown laughing and celebrating while the others are at the lowest they’ve been. Things then take a turn when Roman decides to sentence Thomas to go to the wedding and give up the callback, which clearly distresses Deceit to the point where he nearly has a breakdown due to the others not being able to comprehend what he’s trying to say. Which is basically, selfishness isn’t always a bad thing, which he articulates a lot better in POF, but we’ll get back to that. 

He leaves the episode shortly after Logan shows up, but not before delivering this rather ominous line: “It’s clear you all don’t want to listen to reason (while the embodiment of Thomas’ logic and reasoning is standing right next to him) but hear this: I’ll always be a part of you. I’m not going anywhere, and there are smarter ways to get people to do what you want anyway.” 

Does that sound like a threat to anyone else? Or is it just me? Keep in mind at this point, everyone is still very much against Deceit, and he clearly is about to change tactics when it comes to dealing with them and getting what he wants. Another important thing to note is that this is the last time Thomas sees and deals with Deceit directly before we get to POF.

I should probably bring up Dealing With Intrusive Thoughts because while Deceit isn’t in the episode, he is mentioned a couple of times by Remus, who implies that it was Deceit himself who’s responsible for sending Remus out to antagonize the others. While this can’t be confirmed, Remus claims that Deceit said “You’re wanting to be more honest and be direct dealing with your issues, no longer will you deceive yourself about the ugliness within you.” 

(Admit it, you all sang that and added the little “Neat!” at the end. If you don’t, I’ll know you’re lying.) 

This shows that Deceit is switching things up and making good on his “promise” that he made at the end of SVS by forcing Thomas to accept yet another part of him that he doesn’t like. One that, by comparison, is much worse than anything Deceit could bring to the table. 

His next actual appearance is another cameo in Are There Healthy Distractions? where all he does is take his hat back from Roman and berates him for it. The only significant thing to happen here is Virgil’s reaction to seeing him, which again, I’ll get back to in a moment. 

This was the last time we saw Deceit for awhile, we were then subjected to a long drought between episodes as people waited to see the aftermath of the wedding that was the main conflict of SVS. Keep in mind again that so far, Deceit has remained relatively the same mysterious, slightly villainous character that we’ve seen throughout his 5 appearances thus far in the series. 

So you can see why some people would be shocked when he suddenly does a complete 180 and is going about promoting mental health while acting silly around Thomas and befriending Patton, the Side he went head to head with during his last main appearance, and is now being offered a seat at the table while showing genuine concern for Thomas and aiming to protect him, which goes to show that he cared all along.

Right?

Uh, yeah, I’m not buying it. 

Well let me clarify, do I think Janus is evil? No. Is it impossible for him to actually care about Thomas? Of course not. 

And do I think it’s possible for him to change from his villainous persona to a more friendly one? Absolutely. 

The problem here is that it doesn’t feel earned. We’ve only had one full episode with Janus before this, and even in the brief appearances we got his character remained consistent throughout them all. It’s almost like there’s a piece of this puzzle missing, and I have a theory as to where it is. 

In short, Janus has not been fully accepted yet. Thomas trusts him, and even Patton does now, but does Roman? Don’t make me laugh. 

Logan? He was once again removed from the discussion by Janus, which is a running theme with these two, so I doubt he’d be quick to accept someone who continuously silences him unless it benefits him. 

And the biggest factor of them all, Virgil. 

He hates Janus, every interaction these two have had is filled with insults, glares, and Virgil becoming more aggressive than he’s ever been towards anyone in the series. 

Just look at him in ATHD, when Janus shows up hardly anyone pays him any mind. Heck, Remus has continuously popped up throughout the episode and no one has batted an eye, not even Virgil. But as soon as Janus shows up he goes feral, hissing at him while Janus pays him no mind. 

What is going on here? 

It’s glaringly obvious that something has happened between these two, something that won’t be easily swept under the rug when it comes up. 

For one thing, just compare Virgil’s relationship with Janus to his relationship with Remus. We see at the beginning of DWIT that, of course, Virgil is hostile towards Remus and hates him, while being distressed by him. The two know each other and seem to have a bit of a history of their own. 

What’s the difference between Remus and Janus? 

Well, Virgil gets over his fear of Remus in just one episode. By the time it ends, he isn’t bothered by Remus anymore and tells him as such. Remus even seems to be kind of fond of him as well. And when Remus appears again in ATHD, Virgil doesn’t acknowledge his presence at all. Yet when Janus shows up just to retrieve his hat from Roman, he goes into fight mode and probably would have attacked if he’d stayed for even a minute longer. 

And if you need further proof, look no further than the end card of Embarrassing Phases and Janus’ parting words to Virgil: “Just be sure to keep up that personal growth Virgil. Who knows? Maybe soon you could be rid of us all.” 

Again, does that not sound like a threat to anyone else? And why would he say that to Virgil? Is he implying that Virgil is trying to escape from them? Actually get rid of them? There’s so much that this could mean in regards to Janus’ character and what his motivations are, but then POF comes around and suddenly this doesn’t line up with his character at all. 

Don’t tell me you could look at Janus at the end of this episode and say that this is the same guy. He’s gone from leaving an episode with a threat: “You’ve seen the last of me” “You could be rid of us all” “There are smarter ways to get people to do what you want anyway” 

To this: “Take some time for yourself, Thomas.” 

As well as rejoicing in being told he was right and advising Thomas to stop overthinking everything since, as we’ve now seen, it does not help him in the slightest. 

So… What are we missing? What the heck is going on? 

Well, I said it before and I’ll say it again: Janus hasn’t been fully accepted yet. 

Really, only one Side out of the four main Sides has accepted Janus. This Side just happens to be Patton, Thomas’ morality, and the one thing that stood in the way of Janus getting his voice heard. Because as long as Thomas viewed lying as wrong, he’d never listen to him. 

Now that he’s proven that isn’t the case, and that he can help, Patton (and therefore Thomas) no longer sees him as evil. 

But again, Roman, Logan, and Virgil have yet to do so. We know how Roman and Virgil feel about Janus, but we have yet to get Logan’s clear view on him since every time Janus has shown up, he’s been left out of the conversation. Though it’s safe to assume he’d be somewhat bitter about that. 

The main thing is that something has been set up between Virgil and Janus. Something happened to make them enemies and that can’t be ignored, and I believe this will be addressed soon. 

Because if it isn’t, and Janus is accepted immediately by Virgil, then all this would just be explained through bad writing. Which, again, I don’t believe the team is incompetent by any means. However, I do think that this all happened way too fast. 

Let’s look at Virgil for a moment, we got plenty of time to know him throughout season one. We got to see him in more of a villain role, and saw him gradually become closer with the group. We saw hints of him wanting to get along with the others and be a part of them, but ultimately, decided for himself that he was doing more harm than good and so, ducked out. 

We had 12 episodes to get to know Virgil before Accepting Anxiety came out. 12 episodes as opposed to Janus’ 5, two of which were nothing more than brief cameos and one his introduction where he was only truly himself for the ending. 

Really, Janus only had 3 episodes where it was relevant to the plot, and only 1 of those was a full episode, which was immediately followed by him being accepted and acting more like a good guy who just has a bit of a chaotic streak in him as opposed to the mysterious, charismatic Side who works in the background. 

Now, the way I see, there are two ways to justify this sudden change. The first is what I said before, that Janus hasn’t been fully accepted yet and needs to be accepted by Roman, Virgil, and Logan first before this can be achieved. 

And the other thing, which I hate to consider as a possibility, would be that Janus is putting on an act. 

Think about it, Janus realized at the end of SVS that his methods were not working. So he changes his approach, ditching the villain and becoming a hero. He literally appears at the end during a boss battle and puts himself into the role of a protector, defending Thomas from Patton’s harmful behavior. He acts more silly, loosening up, showing genuine care for Thomas. 

Then the biggest red flag, his name reveal. 

As I watched the scene I couldn’t help but find it oddly reminiscent of Virgil’s own name reveal. From the build up, to the delivery, it all felt strangely familiar, almost as if it’d been rehearsed. Manufactured to get the exact reaction from the others (in this case Thomas and Patton) that he wanted. 

Virgil revealing his name was a sign that he trusted the others, and I believe Janus knew this and thus, used it to his advantage. 

And guess what? It worked like a charm. Thomas and Patton immediately began trusting him, Patton even went to him for advice after Roman left. Could you see Patton doing that at the end of SVS? I certainly couldn’t. 

Now I’m not saying this is actually what happened. For all I know, Janus was being completely sincere when he shared his name, and it really was a personal moment. The only reason I have such a hard time accepting it as genuine is because, as I keep saying, none of it matches up with how Janus was before POF. 

Until this point, his character has been consistent and stayed pretty much the same, but now he’s completely changed. And I know it’s normal for characters to grow and change as a story progresses, but again, it just happened way too fast for this character in particular. 

This isn’t helped by the fandom’s complete 180 in regards to Janus. Before this episode, it was still pretty common for him to be seen in a mostly negative light. People outright hated this character, and attacked people who liked him. Then Remus came and wasn’t shown nearly as much hate or negativity as Janus was. Now all of a sudden Janus is a “Good uwu boi” and everyone loves him. I haven’t seen one person doubt Janus’ change of heart. Which is surprising because given the fandom’s treatment of him in the past, I’m surprised this hasn’t been more common. 

But then I remembered that another Side is currently being thrown into a negative light, which is Roman. He’s been thrown under the bus after his recent actions at the end of POF, all while Janus is now being held up on a golden pedestal. 

Honestly, I’m debating ending this post right here because this next part delves way too much into conspiracy territory, but since this would be kind of an awkward ending I’ll go ahead and just throw the idea out there anyway. 

So, it’s been established that the Sides are aware that what they’re doing is being viewed by an audience. Roman, Logan, and Patton have all addressed the audience directly before. Virgil has given direct glances into the camera, and of course Thomas greets the audience in every episode and closes each one out with a message at the end of every one. 

In Crofters: The Musical Roman outright addresses the fact that Logan has become more popular than him. Implying that somehow, he has access to that information. So if Roman does, then why wouldn’t Janus?

Why wouldn’t Janus be aware of Roman’s insecurities? Why wouldn’t he use this to his advantage and spend the entirety of SVS boosting his ego since he knew that’s what he wanted? 

What if Janus, being aware of the audience and how they view the Sides, knew that all he needed for his plan to succeed was not only to convince Thomas that he could be trusted, but the audience. He knows that they don’t like him, so what does he do? He puts himself into a much more positive light, while Roman is put into a position where he’s made out to be the bad guy?

And if this was the case, then it worked. A majority of the fandom now loves Janus while Roman is being left behind. He’s the perfect scapegoat, a distraction from the real plans Janus has in store. 

But that idea is so far out there and paints Janus as more of an actual villain when really, I don’t think he is at all. 

What’s most likely is that we’re going to learn what happened between him and Virgil, and then watch as Thomas and the others rethink their decision to trust him. 

I don’t think Janus is evil, this series is constantly pushing the message that everything isn’t all black and white. Janus, like everyone else, just wants what’s best for Thomas but has a different way of achieving that goal. 

My hope is that the writers are aware of this and have a plan for Janus’ character to develop more. Because if that isn’t the case and Janus remains a “good guy” from here on out then all of Janus’ previous appearances would be rendered meaningless. 

He’d might as well be a completely different character at that point, because the Deceit that I (and many others) became invested in and loved since his first appearance would be gone. Replaced with a softer, less complex, less engaging “uwu soft boi” that now seems to be the fandom favorite. 

Which makes me curious, if Janus is revealed to be lying to some degree, and was tricking Patton and Thomas, would everyone go back to hating him again? Would they give him a chance to explain himself and grow, or would they go right back to seeing him as nothing more than the evil villain they believed they were introduced to back in CLBG

Okay, that’s pretty much all I’ve got on this topic. It’s kinda messy by my standards and I’m sure I repeated myself a lot. So you are more than welcome to critique my points and debate them with your own. Just to clarify, I still love Janus. And I stand by the fact that he was the best part of this new episode. I just hope that this isn’t all the development he gets and that he continues to have his ups and downs. 

And come on, how could they possibly pass up the opportunity to do the “Liar revealed” trope with the literal embodiment of Deceit? 

[okay-what-if-rumir]

What if, after the curse was broken, the kings regained their human form, but whenever they got mean they turned into plants?

The Two Princes Discord likes to refer to the old kings as “The Bastard Kings” WBK = Western Bastard King, EBK = Eastern Bastard King.

 Like a time-out

I feel like they'd just constantly be plants

I wonder if Rupert would carry his plant-dad around hoping to rehabilitate him

Rupert's always so optimistic

And all his life he's been imagining his dad as this great guy - I don't think he would give up on that so easily

They'd meet a new person, Rupert holds up a potted daffodil: "This is my dad, he's not always a plant but generally he is because he doesn't know how to be nice yet, but we're working on it."

He points to a potted daisy: "And that's Amir's dad, we're running into the same problem with him, but Amir and Atossa don't seem as keen on trying to help him so I've taken it upon myself to help him too. This is part of his rehabilitation, they've gotta be nice to new people. Say hi, dads!"

The plants start shaking their leaves and a muffled grumbling seems to echo from them.

Rupert, grinning: that's so much better guys! You're going to be back to having fingers and toes again in no time!

Yes!

They sit in a preschool classroom where the kids are learning to share and play nicely with each other

Rupert goes back to his and Amir's chambers one night all mopey and Amir asks what's wrong and Rupert mutters something about how WBK got turned into a plant again after telling one of the girls that he didn't like her pigtails and making her cry, and then EBK also got turned into one because he was laughing

And they had been doing so well!

Sure, WBK's compliments had been passive aggressive at best, but he was trying!

And sure, EBK would just add the word "don't" to all his sentences like "I don't want to strangle you right now" when you could tell he really did want to.

But there was PROGRESS there!

Rupert's so proud that they're attempting at all

Rupert constantly has to try to keep Lavinia from planting WBK in some random spot in the woods

Atossa just keeps EBK in a closet for like a week until Rupert finds out.

Rupert can't find them one day and he's like Moooooms?

And they look all guilty and are hiding garden trowels behind their backs.

Amir, trying to be a good husband, walks up the hall behind them with two plants clutched by their stems, dropping dirt everywhere with roots kicking all over the place and the plants making vaguely threatening noises and just shoves the two plants roughly into some pots while he himself is grumbling about how they're more trouble than they're worth.

He knows it's Rupert's pet project and wants to be supportive

Rupert's off to the side berating their mothers for not helping them progress

Talking about leading by example

But at the same time he's not too upset with them because he knew they weren't treated the best by their husbands.

Yah no. He's like I get it, but maybe just leave them alone?

Also, they're obviously super opposed to the boys' relationship, and they mostly just see Rupert but not the two of them together, but then some days they both come into the preschool class to read to the kids and they an see how in love they are with each other.

At first they're totally in denial, but slowly grow to accept it.

Their grumbling on that topic gets to be less and less

They never admit that they accept it

They still grumble occasionally but usually something along the lines of "he shouldn't have gotten you flowers, those are useless, he should've gotten you a sword then you could learn to defend yourself!"

I love that. That honestly makes me smile so big

And you can't tell me that they didn't spend 18 years together as a single tree and not become begrudging best friends.

OMG YES

They're super sarcastic and snarky with each other, but they know each other so well.

They're constantly seen together when in human form and they're always grumbling but they're both insanely proud of their sons even if they won't say it out loud and it's one of the few things they can agree on.

Love that.

They always get turned back into plants together when one does something mean and poof! And then the other delights in the first's distress - poof!

Then the one who got turned into a plant first laughs at the second.

And cue more sarcastic bickering.

One of the knights will find them in the middle of the hallway as plants just laughing at each other and then sigh before picking them up and depositing them with Rupert who takes them back to the preschool class.

EBK starts to really see how kind Rupert is, he says something about it to WBK in a rare moment of sincerity.

WBK grumbles that he should be strong and tough instead.

But for the kindness, EBK poofs back into a human while plant!WBK sits there and stews

But then like an hour later (EBK has long since walked off) WBK silently turns back into a human (because he realized he was grateful for Rupert's kindness as well)

Yes

Of course it doesn't last and they're back in their pots by the end of the day. But it was REAL progress!

Rupert tries to figure out what made them go back to human but neither of them want to admit it.

They just blush and change the subject.

I love the idea of them just randomly turning into plants because they had a mean thought or something. (Like a real mean thought - not an intrusive one)

Like, it just appears super random to the people around, but everyone is used to it by now.

"Where'd that plant come from?" "oh, it's just one of the former kings. Don't worry about it, it happens all the time."

Everyone just pulls pots from their sleeves and scoops them up.

It's become common for everyone to carry around flower pots all the time

The first time Rupert has the plants, he's carrying around the kings in plant form and reprimanding them and everyone is super confused and they think Rupert has lost it, but eventually they don't even give him a second glance when it happens.

People turning to do a double take and running into each other, progresses to everyone carrying flower pots and knowing how to talk them through different breathing exercises.

Sometimes the queens will just carry them around by their stems and it's the equivalent of carrying an animal by its scruff and it's utterly humiliating for them.

They get all uppity about their petals being ruffled

They constantly have competitions over who makes the prettier plant.

They get super angry as plants and just start shaking and some of their petals/leaves fall off.

They're like "Oh no! look what you made me do!" But getting mad at the other one just makes it worse

So then they're like "Okay, deep breaths… what did Rupert say? In through the nose two three four, out through the mouth two three four." Then the other's like making fun of them for trying to calm themselves down, but one of his leaves turns yellow and he's hyperventilating.

The queens stopped taking them to the compost heap or putting them in the closet. But now they'll go plant them in a flower bed with a bunch of the same type of flowers so it's hard to find them.

They spend a whole two days there once and they get some good meditation time in.

Rupert spend at least an hour trying to find them because Lavinia won't tell him where she planted them because "they'll turn human again eventually"

Omg. WBK walks in after being missing for a few days and just wordlessly hugs Rupert

Omg yes. And Rupert is confused but hugs back anyway.

Lavinia's all like "I told you." but she's actually softened by the display.

Rupert: Okay Dad, think of something nice to say to Dad. EBK: I'm not your father! Rupert: Oh honey, you were at the wedding. I don't know what else to tell you, but I'm your son now. WBK. You're no son of mine either! Rupert: sigh Dad, do we really need to go over this again? Now, there's lots of other ways to go about this, but in your case: when two people love each other very much, and one of those people happens to have a uterus, and the other… Both Bastard Kings: NOOOO! Not again! Wait! Uh, your leaves are looking very nice today! Very green! Please make him stop!

Did someone say "bastard plants on roller skates?"

(art by @spoopdeedoop​)

Porridge you sneaky sneak!

He found them sitting in the hallway and sent them off on an adventure.

Porridge what have you done!

(art by @oftheflamingheart​)

WBK: I bet my mulch I go farther than you! EBK: You’re on!

@cloudcover23​ @fwufferson​ @nyx-dragon​ @spoopdeedoop​ @oftheflamingheart​

[kiruuuuu]

Thank you for both your kind words as well as that wonderful mental image, anon 💝 :) I’m hella excited you enjoy this ship as well, so I hope you like reading about Blackbeard slowly going mad! (Rating T, BB sure loves rambling, ~4.8 words) - this contains references to underage sex!

.

Goyo is slowly but surely driving him insane.

The man is a fucking enigma. He might as well wear a question mark as his face because it’d tell Blackbeard just as much about his current mood or thoughts or expectations or hopes or fears as his actual face does (though he’s glad Goyo’s face is his actual face, seeing as it’s quite nice to look at, which isn’t to imply he’d like Goyo any less if he had no face, but it’d make kissing him a lot more complicated).

When he met him, Blackbeard thought him to be one of those quiet, cool guys who are just good at their job, and when they’re not at their job, they phase from existence because their job is all they are. Which is fine with Blackbeard. Some of his colleagues are like that: when anyone asks them about their hobbies, they’re hard pressed to come up with a reply since work isn’t a hobby, and neither is preparing for work.

But the moment Goyo first opened his mouth, Blackbeard realised his first impression couldn’t have been more wrong, because he sounds calm and sophisticated and confident and it instantly throws him off kilter. No, this isn’t some genius, this is one of those dudes who can’t take a joke, who think themselves better than everybody else, who react to things they deem profane not with honest opinions but rather thinly-veiled condescension, and they’re the worst. They’re the ones with whom Blackbeard has never gotten along, seeing as he was never sure whether they kept him around to secretly make fun of him, or out of misplaced pity, or to become more popular, or because they’re too awkward to be openly rude.

They’re the ones he can’t read. They never laugh along. They quietly sit next to him until someone calls on them and then they effortlessly trump him with whatever they have to say.

He justified his own actions with the excuse of ‘at least I’m being sincere’ for the longest time. He doesn’t like them, and so he shows it, meaning everyone knows where they’re at. After he’s declared his dislike, some kind of arrangement is made, and they never have to speak to each other again (only he had trouble keeping away because it is kinda gratifying to watch them squirm in discomfort) – and clearly, it’s better than putting up a front made up of false niceties and fake smiles which doesn’t hold up for a second longer as soon as they’re not in the same room anymore.

These days, he’s come to a different conclusion. They simply worried him.

Some of them bested him in various disciplines, causing him to push himself harder because he didn’t want to be left behind and because he can’t let someone he doesn’t like overtake him. Their indifference towards him left him insecure since he’s a people pleaser at heart, wants to be loved and admired by everybody and simply had absolutely no fucking clue how he could get them to like him. And he always thought this sentiment was universal: everyone wants to be popular, don’t they? All humans want to be liked. Only these specific people’s very existence threatened this world view. They didn’t want to be liked by everybody. So what did it mean that they got to the same place as Blackbeard, when he obeyed all the rules and played all the games? Conventions exist for a reason, and shouldn’t be ignored like that.

So yes. Goyo was one of those.

Except he wasn’t. Thermite found him hilarious. Pulse developed a sudden interest in Goyo’s field of expertise. Ash invited him out for drinks. Valkyrie appreciated his earnest nature (and really, what the hell?). The only one with whom Goyo pointedly didn’t interact was Blackbeard.

And they kept going on about how friendly he was, and how well he fit in, and Blackbeard didn’t understand. Stared hard at this mystery of a man and just didn’t understand. Goyo wasn’t stand-offish. He obeyed some rules and played most games, just not Blackbeard's favourite ones, and neither did he let him provoke him, which deprived Blackbeard of the satisfaction of making him uncomfortable as well. What the fuck was he supposed to do with that?

But there was another problem. He’s gay.

It’s a can of worms he’d prefer not to open – if his mind was a house, then he’d shoved all of… that down the stairs into the basement, never to be seen again, collecting dust and sitting untouched. (It’s only recently that he’s begun clearing some of it out, airing it, finding use for it in the living room or somewhere else.) And whenever he learnt that anyone in his vague vicinity was gay, the door slammed open and something yelled at him really loudly the two words which would haunt him for a few weeks:

WHAT IF.

Dumb. Useless.

Disruptive, even, it’s not like he’d do anything, it’s not like the guy would do anything, it’s unlikely to be a topic between them, and still he wonders what it’d be like to kiss whoever was unfortunate enough to haunt Blackbeard for a while. This happens with everyone. Intrusive thoughts he can’t for the life of him control. They do fade the longer he knows the person, fortunately, but in the beginning, whenever the name is mentioned, his brain flashes him a question à la what would it feel like to hug him. Never has he acted on it, nor has he confessed this to anyone, which… likely made it worse, alright, now he knows it, but as a terrified navy officer, his main concern wasn’t whether he might regret neglecting that unwanted basement in his head later in life.

He made a point of never joking about it. Not he himself, at least. Not about this. If anyone ever noticed, they didn’t mention it to him.

In any case, there was the fact that Goyo was there and not going to go away any time soon, and he was gay, and really handsome. The tingly kind of handsome. The car crash kind, making it impossible to look away, with his stupid beard and the weird, sexual way he sits, and how he twirls his pens around without even realising. His smile is…

Blackbeard didn’t want to label him with anything past handsome, not pretty or attractive or (god forbid) hot, because it fell too well in line with the WHAT IF still regularly being screamed at him, despite the weeks they’ve spent as acquaintances already, and for some reason, this time, it doesn’t go away.

With other colleagues, it vanished very quickly, but Goyo? Goyo starts appearing in his dreams. Just once or twice, really, nothing compromising, a few words exchanged or a laugh (and he’s seen him laugh in Valkyrie’s presence, and dear fucking lord), but it has an uncomfortable side effect.

His brain convinces him he has some kind of claim on him. Nothing insane, not like he thinks Goyo owes him anything, and yet… He knows Goyo is single, so he should appreciate any offer he gets, and Blackbeard is certain Goyo would prefer if they got along better anyway, and besides, Blackbeard is a catch, right? He’s good-looking, funny, skilled, forthright, adventurous – nothing to scoff at. Surely it’s enough to warrant a try.

And when he’s instantly shot down, he realises that he can’t read this man at all.

.

Unfortunately for both of them, it’s a recurring theme in their interactions. Even after a while, even after Blackbeard has noticed Goyo’s lips thinning when he disapproves of something, or that his ‘yeah it’s fine’ is sometimes nothing more than a passive-aggressive ‘I’d prefer something else’, even then he doesn’t know the source of it. Because Goyo just doesn’t fucking talk to him.

The basics are there.

Not only that, the basics are great and Blackbeard is fully aware of it: both of them are putting effort into their relationship. He once heard it’s the single most important aspect of anything meant to last, and his prior relationships seem to support this claim – and hands down, both of them are committed to this. There’s not a single day without any type of contact, whether it’s texting, a short call, or meeting up, Goyo keeps track of what he likes to eat and cooks accordingly, Blackbeard brings small gifts, they pay each other compliments which are heartfelt and earnest, and they compromise on how they spend their time together. They’re comfortable around each other. He looks forward to seeing him every day that he does.

And there’s the whole… other stuff. All of which leaves Blackbeard flustered whenever he even thinks about it, and he’ll say this much: Goyo is infinitely more passionate than he would’ve expected. Generous, too. And really, really good.

That said, this is where the ‘but’ comes in (and no, he’s not referring to the fun part anymore).

Goyo can’t fucking communicate. It’s driving Blackbeard up the walls. He’s totally incapable of putting his emotions into words, which makes no sense at all. Once they started dating and Goyo opened up more, the complaints began, and honestly? Blackbeard was delighted. Because Goyo didn’t just nag, he pointed out aspects which bothered him in a constructive way and either suggested a solution or appreciated it when Blackbeard corrected it himself – or he was satisfied with a compromise. Maybe not always satisfied, there are still unresolved issues like him being inept to show up on time, ever, and insisting he’s in the right, but even then he doesn’t make a big fuss over it. Banter, yes. Some teasing. Remarks delivered with a grin. Tongue-in-cheek comments. Blackbeard does exactly the same, so he respects it.

In the past, it’s happened a few times that his current girlfriend was unhappy about something but didn’t mention it, not really, not to the point where Blackbeard would’ve realised it to be as serious as it turned out to be. Instead, her dissatisfaction grew and grew, in one instance accompanied by contempt, and eventually came an outburst he couldn’t have prevented if he tried, seeing as he knew nothing about it. Having a partner this vocal about problems is refreshing.

But there are certain topics Goyo doesn’t mention. Or moments where he simply clams up. It’s impossible to tell when it’ll happen or why, but now and then Goyo gets utterly lost in his own thoughts (or at least that’s what Blackbeard thinks is happening), and then he either loses the thread of their conversation entirely, or takes forever to reply. Blackbeard gets incredibly antsy whenever he receives no reaction, so his boyfriend doing it to him is twice as bad. He’s aware Goyo lives inside his head a lot of the time, sure, and as a result, almost everything he says is well thought through and genuine (at least the non-sarcastic bits), but for him, it’s difficult to deal with nonetheless. He often panics during those pauses and wonders whether he’s done something wrong and Goyo is currently trying to work out how to break it to him.

And when it comes to Goyo’s feelings, he’s a lost cause. Blackbeard doesn’t doubt for a second that Goyo spends a good portion of his time analysing himself and introspecting, it’s just… he doesn’t seem to be very good at it.

That, or he also has a basement full of dusty, forgotten, pushed-away objects.

Goyo thinks himself ‘sociable enough’. It’s how he himself expressed it. Blackbeard begs to differ, and strongly so: Goyo hardly ever seeks out other people, regularly turns down invitations as well and is awfully quiet in groups, not to mention he takes forever to warm up to people (and there’s the not-so-small matter about his lack of punctuality too). Blackbeard finds his behaviour quite rude a lot of the time and is pretty sure the others only give Goyo the benefit of the doubt to be nice.

He says of himself that he’s not very demanding, only to keep demanding things of Blackbeard. More touching. More housework. Less gym time. No shaving. More spontaneity (and he seems to overlook the obvious irony in telling someone to be spontaneous).

This is another thing: he keeps disrupting Blackbeard's daily schedule without feeling a shred of guilt over it. Calling at inopportune times, trying to keep him in bed in the morning, suddenly wanting to eat lunch a specific place, changing plans they made weeks ago a few minutes before leaving. It’s like he’s testing Blackbeard's patience and adaptability.

And the worst thing of all is simultaneously also the best thing: Blackbeard really, really, really likes him.

If he were a dog, his tail wouldn’t stop wagging for a second in Goyo’s presence. His brain fills with exclamation marks any time he sees him. Any compliments Goyo has ever paid him play on repeat, his smile is the last image Blackbeard sees before he goes to sleep, and he’s the first person he texts whenever anything happens. He has no idea what caused Goyo’s change of heart, what made him give Blackbeard a chance, but he’s endlessly grateful it happened. The fluttering in his stomach still hasn’t stopped when they’re spending quality time together, and his heart thumps twice as fast whenever they kiss. It’s the worst crush of his life and he doesn’t even know how it developed.

When he wants to be, Goyo is exceedingly witty, charming, supportive, empathetic, patient, loving, trusting. They’ve had a long conversation about sexuality which corrected some of the preconceptions Blackbeard still held, and at no point did he feel patronised, alienated, or uncomfortable. It’s probably what keeps them together: the knowledge they respect and trust each other. Goyo knows he’d never knowingly hurt his feelings, and he believes the same of Goyo. Jealousy is no topic between them, and boundaries are regularly drawn, re-drawn, negotiated, accepted. (Though not nearly as often as Blackbeard would’ve liked. He’s aware Goyo can feel suffocated sometimes and would prefer them to talk it out properly, but it’s one of the topics Goyo usually deflects.)

.

With how communicative Blackbeard is, he’s suffered from the lack of outside feedback on their relationship. Asking for advice is out of the question as no one else knows he’s dating anyone, and not being able to gush about the way Goyo sometimes wraps himself around him when they’re watching something on his bed kills him a little inside. He wants to share it all, the good and the bad, seeks reassurance on everything he’s doing and desires normality. A state where he can throw in ‘oh yes, my boyfriend mentioned it the other day’ without earning any kind of odd reaction. A world where the others ask him about how Goyo is doing, and whether they’ve been to this restaurant yet, and so on.

He knows that he himself is the only obstacle in this, but his track record in Rainbow hasn’t been the best and he’s worried the girls will call him out on hitting on them with no intention of starting a relationship. Which wouldn’t actually be far off the mark, unfortunately. Valkyrie is his best bet since they’re thick as thieves, but she’s been side-eyeing him for a while already and he’s pretty sure she suspects something. He hates when she can go ‘I told you so’ and be right about it.

Regardless, he’s going to explode if he can’t talk about Goyo to someone soon, and Vigil will certainly not want to hear about how ticklish his Mexican colleague is.

.

“Meghan, I need to tell you something”, he blurts out, startling his best friend and nearly causing her to drop her beer. They’re on Buck’s balcony, holding on to cans as if they were their lifeline to what little bit of their sanity is left after everyone heard Maverick suggest bodyshots earlier (only half jokingly), and then Castle murdered everyone by showing off photos of his newly adopted puppy. Even Blackbeard was squealing like a little girl. He really should look into adopting a dog himself. He wonders whether Goyo likes dogs.

“Don’t tell me you want to join Sanaa on her odyssey”, Valkyrie interrupts his thoughts, looking worried. “They’re all trying to deter her for a reason, we don’t need you encouraging -”

“What are you talking about?”, he interrupts her, aghast, and once her words have sunk in, he repeats: “No, really, what are you talking about? That sounds amazing. I wanna be a part of it. Where is she going?”

“Craig.”

Odd. Goyo sounds almost the same whenever he’s displeased. Blackbeard should text him about the dog later. “Yes. Where was I?”

“You made a vague threat.”

He blinks at her for a moment, mind blank. Goyo has said before that alcohol causes his brain to misfire, and he’s beginning to believe it. “Oh. Yes. Meghan, I’m dating someone. And don’t be smug, okay? I can’t deal with smug right now.”

Valkyrie’s lips twitch in amusement. “Would you like supportive? That’s great! I’m so happy for you! I hope it’s going wonderful, you really deserve it!”

“You’re the worst”, he informs her, prompting a laugh.

“It’s been a while already, hasn’t it?” He nods. He supposes it’s obvious to anyone who knows him well enough, and Valkyrie certainly does. After all, he can’t stop smiling on some days and must look like a lunatic. Maybe he should send a nice text first so Goyo knows he thought of him. “I figured. How is it going and why is it César?”

He chokes on his beer. She doesn’t even have the grace to look guilty while he’s busy coughing his lungs out, and when he makes an inquisitive sound, she even smirks. It was bad enough to learn that Smoke and Mute found out about their relationship (and he’s still not entirely sure about whether they found out on their own or Goyo helped a bit), and now it turns out Valkyrie knew all along?

“Don’t worry, no one else knows. But neither of you were very subtle about it to me. You kept asking about him, he kept asking about you… plus you’ve been really nice to him recently.”

Oh. He asked about Blackbeard? This is relevant information. He opens his mouth to inquire some more, but Valkyrie adds casually: “And he at least is openly gay. Very open. Remember how he mentioned his male ex-fiancé on the first day? He really didn’t allow for any ambiguity.”

And hold up. Blackbeard's brain struggles to process what it just heard. Wait.

Wait what.

.

There are two cans cooking on the stove.

Blackbeard is failing to grasp reality right now. He dumbly stares at the two unlabelled metal cans sitting in boiling water and doesn’t understand what’s happening. He doesn’t understand much of what’s going on at the moment anyway, and he’s fairly sure it’s not just the alcohol’s fault. The water bubbles happily around the objects, and time and space are collapsing around him.

“Hey, Bee”, comes a familiar voice from behind him and he’s embraced in a tight hug, lips planting themselves on his shoulder a few times before he’s released again. “You’re back early.”

“Jack’s apartment flooded. A few went with him to help, but Meghan dropped me off here. The hell are you making? Tin-flavoured soup?”

Goyo laughs and though the sound would normally flood him with endorphins, right now he just eyes the other man with a frown. “No, it’s dulce de leche.”

Blackbeard tries and fails to put the delicious caramel-like substance in any relation to what’s happening before him, though he does file something away for later perusal: he should ask Goyo to speak more Spanish around him. He might be onto something there. “How?”

“Sweetened condensed milk. When you boil it long enough, it turns into gooey ambrosia. You mentioned how you were looking for new ideas for ice cream – swirl this into anything and blow everyone’s minds.”

Oh. That does sound delicious, and the fact that Goyo is staying up late to do him a favour is also heartwarming, but the question burning on Blackbeard's tongue will not sit idly for a second longer. He asks: “Why did you never tell me of your ex-fiancé?”

Goyo, checking out the timer next to the pot, responds with another question without lifting his gaze: “Oh. Which one?”

He can’t be serious. Blackbeard waits, fully expecting him to be joking, but he seems genuinely surprised at Blackbeard's dumbstruck expression when he finally does look up. “I’ve had a turbulent past involving a few poor decisions”, he admits and something tells Blackbeard there’s a good possibility this is a massive understatement. “Is that a problem?”

Is it? He’s not entirely sure. The fact that he had to hear about it from Valkyrie might be one, and then there’s his crumbling impression of Goyo as someone largely sensible. He comes across as well-mannered, composed, logical – though Blackbeard has noticed most of these waver over time. The deeper he dives, the more of the iceberg he sees. “You just… seemed like someone who has his life together”, he says weakly. Goyo has friends and family who care about him, is comfortable in his own skin, good at his job.

His words are mulled over for a while with pursed lips, until Goyo decides: “I suppose I do. Except for my love life.”

“You did say at one point that all relationships you had were long, meaningful and deep. So I figured…”

“My relationships were mostly great, yes. Anything that doesn’t fall into that category, well”, and Goyo makes an uncertain hand gesture which, once again, fills Blackbeard with a sense of foreboding dread as it screams understatement. “I did start out by paying a guy to fuck me.”

Blackbeard has no clue how to react, and so he chooses to stare at his boyfriend in horror.

“Yeah. Life was tough where I grew up. This super hot straight dude caught wind of me being a reliable source of cigarettes and asked me about it. I convinced him to fuck me for smokes – which I was buying with my allowance money, I think.”

“Allowance”, Blackbeard echoes stupidly. “Wait, how old were you?”

“I think fifteen, why does it matter, Bee?”

“How old was the dude?!”

“Early twenties? Thinking about it, he really should’ve handled his finances better.”

Blackbeard is in shock. “So… he took advantage of you. Lightly said.” Very lightly.

To his utter disbelief, Goyo simply frowns and shakes his head. “What? No. It was my idea. I had to talk him into it.”

“Yeah but – you were a minor. He was an adult, he shouldn’t have -”

“Did you miss the part where he not only sold his body for some cigs but also let a teenager get the better of him? What about that makes it seem like he’d fell any reasonable decisions in his life?”

“Did you report him? Did he get arrested?” He can’t wrap his head around why Goyo seems so calm talking about this.

“Huh? Not for sleeping with me, no. He was a thieving piece of shit though, so he did end up in jail.”

“Stop defending him, do you really think he did nothing wrong?”

Goyo eyes him curiously. “Do you think that he did?”

And of course. Of course he does, it’s not just personal opinion with this kind of shit, it’s a fact that an adult exploited Goyo and how does he not see it? How can he view it any other way? Blackbeard has trouble putting his outrage in words, so he attempts a different angle: “Are you saying you’d be alright with someone else who’s twenty sleeping with a teenager who’s -”

“Don’t be ridiculous. Generally, of course not. But we’re talking about me here. I know what happened. I can assess it from my point of view.”

“But you were too young -”

“You don’t get to rewrite my past”, Goyo interrupts him sharply and so Blackbeard shuts up, dissatisfied. Next to them, the kitchen timer erupts into frantic beeping, prompting Goyo to turn the heat off, pluck the cans out of the pot with a pair of tongs and put them on a wire rack to cool.

Meanwhile, Blackbeard tries to decide whether all this changes how he sees the man before him. He’s not sure.

“Laws are in place for a reason and I’d be the first one to tell any teenager not to do what I did”, Goyo continues, directed at the slightly steaming metal. “But what I did happened and it was what I really wanted at the time. We do stupid things when we’re young. You don’t get to judge me for it. Only I can, and I’m not.”

It’s hard to relate. Blackbeard wouldn’t say he grew up sheltered, but certainly privileged, and though there’s plenty of stuff he did which he’d advise against, there’s none he’d defend like this. Except Goyo might be explaining instead of defending. He refuses to condemn while still being aware of the shady circumstances.

“Look, Bee, no one got hurt. Quite the opposite. Let’s leave it at that and go to bed, hm?” Goyo kisses him briefly before exiting the kitchen, already pulling his shirt over his head and exposing his toned back in the process. The sight awakens a strong urge to touch, but not in a sexual way – Blackbeard is filled with a comfortable sense of belonging instead. He knows what Goyo’s smooth skin feels like and that he’s free to caress it as much as he wants. It’s one of his favourite perks of any relationship: being allowed to show physical affection.

A little lost and still dazed from their previous topic, he trails after his lover and watches Goyo strip down to his underwear in the bedroom. “I wasn’t planning on going to sleep immediately”, he says, knowing full well he’ll climb in after Goyo regardless.

“We don’t have to sleep.”

Blackbeard stares at him blankly, thoughts continuously trying to process their conversation.

“I’ll read a bit and you can text some people. You told Meghan about us, didn’t you? She sent me a single message an hour ago which just said good luck.”

It seems this would be all Goyo has to say on the matter of his sexual past for now, and Blackbeard belatedly realises that he avoided mentioning his ex-fiancé (ex-fiancés??) entirely, so he should prepare for a similar talk in the near future. It’s become a habit of theirs which he genuinely doesn’t like – they address a topic, argue, and then drop it without a satisfying conclusion, without being on the same page. Most of the time, it ends up merely postponing the issue as it inevitably comes up again, though he does suppose there’s some merit in being able to think it through on his own before tackling it again. Both of them can be quite stubborn, and a break to sort their thoughts (and in Blackbeard's case, engage some outside advice) is beneficial.

So maybe it’s not so bad to not ruin the night with something they’ll ultimately refuse to agree on, and instead cuddle in bed.

Goyo becomes a temporary magnet in these instances, impossible to pry off, and Blackbeard has no choice but to hold him tight and bask in his body heat. Not like he’d want anything other than exactly this.

“Was it scary?”, Goyo mutters into his hair while stroking his back. They’ll separate soon and wind down in their own way before sleeping, but right now they just enjoy each other’s presence.

“She already knew I’m bi. She likes you and I trust her. Why would it be scary?”

“Still. It’s fine if it was.”

Blackbeard is silent for a minute. “A bit”, he admits and feels Goyo’s lips stretch into a smile.

“I’m glad it seemed to have gone well. And I’m proud of you.”

And this, this is why Blackbeard basically fawns over this bastard all day in his head. His heart throbs and he pulls Goyo even closer, relieved that the prior revelations apparently don’t make a difference between them. Goyo is right, the past can’t be changed, but neither does it need to dictate the present. “It did go well, she said you’d be good for me on the way here. She also mentioned you asking about me.”

Goyo chuckles. “You know, the first thing I ever asked about you was whether you’ve got a wife.”

And it’s a relief to hear that not only Blackbeard used to be terrible at reading him.

[stachmousworld]

‘Til the end of the line

Pairing: Bucky Barnes/Steve Rogers; Stuckony (Steve x Tony x Bucky); Bucky Barnes/Tony Stark

Tags/Trigger warnings: Suicidal ideation, suicide attempts, depression, self harm, heartbreak, mental abuse

Words: 7940

Summary: Steve is in love with Bucky and he is in love with Tony. Bucky is in love with Tony and he is in love with Steve. Tony is secretely in love with Steve and totally in love with Bucky.The problem? Tony is still affected by what happened in Siberia and will do everything to punish Steve and Steve will let him, because it's his only chance to be with Tony.In the darkest time, only one of them will find peace and love.

It was Steve’s idea. He noticed how Bucky looked so torn between Tony and he, so Steve had told him he could have them both, if Tony was on board of course. Plus, Steve already had feelings for Tony so it hadn’t been a hard decision to make.

Only…Tony didn’t really talk to Steve, other than some greetings outside of the field and some orders or responses when they were fighting against a villain. But it hasn’t always been like that, Steve reminded himself. They were doing better than after Siberia. Back then, Tony wouldn’t even look at Steve. He would leave the room whenever Steve entered and he’d stay cold, only relaxing and joking with the others when Steve wasn’t around. If it wasn’t the silent treatment, he would throw acerbic remarks at him every time he saw him.

Steve, who hadn’t wanted the team to be impacted more than it was, had decided to avoid any communal areas and let them rekindle without him. He could always talk privately with each of them outside the Tower or when Tony was in the workshop. It wasn’t ideal but it was the best decision so far.

Sam hadn’t liked it at all. He had noticed the way Steve was acting around the Tower, looking everywhere before entering the room and even then, every time the elevator doors would open, he’d tense until he was sure Tony wasn’t here.

So how come his feelings never died? He had asked Sam, defeated.

Sam didn’t have any answer. It could be his guilt mixed with loneliness and a fear of disappointing. Steve would do anything for his team, and everything for Tony…to make it right. That’s why he’d accept this treatment. He needed Tony’s forgiveness to move on, which for Sam, wasn’t healthy. And perhaps it wasn’t…but now Bucky was half in love with Tony, where was his place?

To be honest, it was selfishness which pushed him to tell Bucky it was okay to date both of them. Steve strongly believed that what was between Bucky and he would never die. There was an indescribable bond between them. It has always been them together against the world and it would always be. Steve didn’t see his life without Bucky. Not anymore. The last time he thought he’d lost Bucky for good Steve has spiraled out of control and crashed the plane in Antarctica. Most would assume he didn’t have the choice, but Steve knew…he knew deep down that it’d be better dead than alive without Bucky.

Now the situation between Tony and Steve was a little better. Tony would look at him and stay in the same room, but he’d never engage any discussion or talk longer than a few minutes with Steve.

If at first Steve had been hurt and maybe surprised by Tony’s unusual coldness, he was now used to it. it didn’t mean that it didn’t hurt less. Although Tony wasn’t talking to him anymore, Steve feelings kept growing. And seeing Bucky with Tony only made it difficult for him to stay passive and wait until Tony came to him. Because that’s what the genius said. He needed time, but he’ll come eventually around, for Bucky’s sake.

Sure, it was not a heartwarming declaration of love, but Steve took it the same and his hope kept growing. Bucky told him that Tony was slowly opening himself to him and talking more about Steve, that Tony needed more time, he was undecisive because of what happened in the bunker. So Steve for once in a long time had to stay put and not do anything rash.

To make their “relationship” work, Tony had been the one to offer a planning for the week. There were days where Tony and Bucky would be together and other days where it was Steve and Bucky’s turn. Steve had frowned. He had tried to come up with the best way to talk his mind without sounding condescending or aggressive. The only words he had been able to say were. “And what about us?”

Tony has chuckled humorlessly. “There is no us Cap…” Bucky had let out tired groan and whispered Tony’s name. To which the other brunette had rolled his eyes. “At least not for now.” He had grunted.

Steve had been half-satisfied. Tony had not sound particularly happy but maybe…maybe if Steve proved him that he was good, that he also deserve his love, maybe Tony would soften.

It still hadn’t happened.

After a few weeks, then a few months, Tony still didn’t seem interested in Steve at all. Despite everything Bucky told him, Steve didn’t see a positive change. As if once Tony had Bucky, he discarded Steve for good.

And if he was being honest, Bucky didn’t really seem to care much. Steve shook his head and tried to keep intrusive thoughts out of his mind. Bucky and Steve were together till the end of the line. It was their first promise.

And Bucky has never broken his promises before.

They were going “steady”. Bucky and Tony went on dates on Saturdays, Fridays and Wednesdays and Steve had the other days. He had been fine with this. At first. He hadn’t wanted to fight Tony, nor hurt Bucky who seemed overjoy, so he let all of his insecurities flow away.

It shouldn’t have been a long-term plan. It was supposed to help Tony and Steve build something. Or that was what Bucky and Tony told him. It’d be momentary they said. Be patient, Tony is only afraid to be open again, but he loves you, Bucky reassured him.

And Steve believed both of them. Why wouldn’t he?

The main problem he had with this planning was that Bucky was always exhausted after Tony’s date and would turn down everything Steve offered. Bucky would sleep most of the day and would whine whenever Steve offered to go outside.

Steve didn’t once show his hurt. He couldn’t force Bucky to go outside and whatever grudges or else he held against Tony melt as soon as he reasoned himself. He couldn’t be mad at Tony. If Steve hadn’t tried to incapacitate him in the bunker and lied about his parents, Tony would have talked to him and maybe be with him. He could only blame himself. And it wasn’t fair to vent to Bucky who would have had to stay impartial between his two lovers.

So, Steve was stuck. Sure, he could talk about it to Sam, but his friend already gave him his advice. Steve had to stop this simulacre of relationship and move out of the Tower. Contrary to him, Sam didn’t believe that Tony was that innocent, and he has warned Steve to stay on his guard. Steve hadn’t asked for more. He knew…he understood the implication. He understood all the blanks in their conversation.

It was clear as crystal and yet Steve didn’t acknowledge any of it.

When it was Steve’s days, he would cuddle with Bucky and take care of him during the day. They’d never really go out, unless Tony was out of the city. And even then, Bucky would comment each activity and compare it to what they’d done with Tony.

The new restaurant Steve wanted to eat at? Bucky and Tony already went there, and Tony had rented the entire building.

The science expo? Tony had seats and tickets since his company donated and created most of them.

Museums? They had visited multiple new museums and had the privilege to talk to the artists. They even were invited to premiers.

Steve painted Bucky? One of the painters Tony and Bucky met asked Bucky if he could paint him. Tony later bought the painting an absurd amount of money.

A gift? Maybe a jewel? Tony bought a watch, a ring, necklace and various jewels to Bucky.

A walk in the park? Tony flew Bucky to South-Africa for a Safari.

Steve has stopped asking for outdoors activities and tried to innovate instead. They’d play games, Steve would paint Bucky when he was napping, and they’d eat something Steve had prepared. Simple days like that were precious to Steve. Even if deep down he wished to go outside with at least one of his boyfriends and kiss him. There again, he couldn’t. Not anymore.

Since Tony and Bucky had been photographed holding hands and kissing, the entire world knew that they were together. Steve, at the time, hadn’t understood what it truly meant for him. For all of them.

And Tony, for the first time, had talked to Steve. He had explained how now it was better if Steve and Bucky didn’t hold hands or kiss outside because the press would have a field day.

Bucky had looked annoyed. Steve remembered Bucky arguing with Tony, while he had still been staring at the pictures, more precisely the title.

The couple Winterion engaged?!

The picture was a zoom of their intertwined hands. A gorgeous and intricate ring shone on Bucky’s finger.

“Engaged?” Steve had asked dumbly, while massaging the middle of his chest trying to help uncoil the pressure.

They both had stopped talking.

“No, Stevie. It’s only a ring Tony bought me,” Bucky had explained softly. He had grabbed Steve’s hand and kissed his knuckles. “I would – we would never do that to you, punk.”

The nickname had hurt him more than the picture. Why was it that Tony was ‘sweetheart’, ‘baby’ and Steve was still ‘punk’? He had shaken his head trying to get these thoughts out.

“Well…” Tony had started, somewhat sheepish.

“Don’t start Tony,” Bucky had warned.

“I’m just saying. I told you it wasn’t a simple gift. To be honest, it’s a promise ring…for when you’ll be ready to…”

Steve had stood up and walked out of the room. Bucky had grabbed him by the elbow making him stop. He had turned around and stared into Bucky’s worried eyes. He didn’t remember what came to his mind but the feeling never left. He had enough of all of this. Of being pushed around and used. Bucky had tried to say something and Steve for once hadn’t helped him. He hadn’t smile, nor relaxed his stance. No. He had stood still and waited like they had been conditioning to do.

Suddenly, Bucky had looked behind him toward Tony, who had still been standing there, shoulders hunched and teary eyes. Steve had noticed how Bucky longed to go at his side. The lack of assertiveness or doubt in Bucky’s mind had flared his anger and cemented his resolves. Officially done, Steve had huffed, yanked his arm free and left the room.

This time Bucky hadn’t tried to stop him.

Steve was trying his best. He did everything they asked and even then, he felt like losing. Like they were playing a game he didn’t know the rules. When he thought about the past few months, a few things had pained him, but nothing like the pictures or the lack of touch between Bucky and him.

Steve and Bucky didn’t do more than kiss. The first few times Steve has tried to go further, Bucky had pushed him away and told him to go slower. He wasn’t ready for more, which Steve understood. Bucky didn’t like being touched on the scar on his left shoulder and nothing under the pants.

Even some kisses left him, reeling back and tensed, which Steve also understood, with the whole torture and Hydra touching him and using him. Steve was gentle. He never went further than a few kisses and would cool off in the shower. He never wanted Bucky to feel uneased around him. He’d reassure him telling him that they had the rest of their lives to discover each other’s body, that he could and would wait.

But maybe, Steve had been too naïve. Maybe, Bucky had only been disgusting by his touch; because it seemed that he accepted Tony’s touch, kisses and dick quite well.

He found out the truth by mistake. He had been looking around for a way to surprise Bucky with the help of Friday. Unsure of what to do and scared that Bucky was already coming to their room, he had asked Friday to show a live recording of Bucky.

On the screen, Bucky was getting fucked by Tony. They were kissing like Steve wish they’d do, they were touching each other and fucking each other like Steve wished they’d do.

The surprise long forgotten Steve’s mind racked all his memories. All the times spent with Bucky. All the reasons he gave. All the time he told him that Tony and he didn’t go as far as a few kisses. All of that…lies?

Even then, Steve had forgiven and moved on. Maybe if Bucky didn’t like his touches it was because of…Steve’s brain hadn’t been able to provide an answer. There had been no reason for all of Bucky’s lies. And if Bucky had lied about that, how could Steve be sure he had told the truth about the rest, about Tony being “ready” to forgive him, about Tony’s “feelings” for Steve.

But Steve ended up forgiving them and moved on. He had pushed what he’d seen in the back of his mind and locked this door.

Bucky would never lie to him if there wasn’t a good reason.

A few weeks passed with Steve pretending to be okay. He pretended to eat. He pretended to be happy when he smiled. He pretended to go for a run when all he did was running to the roof, overriding Friday and sitting on the edge. He pretended that intrusive thoughts didn’t get a hold onto him. He pretended to still be alive when all he felt was death.

But he kept pretending and he did it mighty good. Or Bucky didn’t care anymore, an insidious thought retorted.

Then Tony was on a business trip and they were all alone. If Bucky had been blind when Tony was present in the Tower, it hadn’t taken long for him to notice how silent Steve were.

And Steve noticed his presence, lurking behind whenever he was in the communal room. He noticed how cautious he was around him, not really knowing what to do and what to say, but he tried. Weirdly, the thought didn’t bring any particular positive feelings. He felt numb.

A few days passed, with Bucky staying near Steve and observing until Steve had to go out. There was an exposition and a few of his paintings would be exposed. He had already asked Bucky who had declined because it was Tony’s day. So Steve hadn’t pushed the matter and since Tony was still out of town he didn’t ask Bucky again.

That night, he took a shower, combed his beard and wore the expensive suit Nat’ chose for him. As he passed by the living room where Bucky was talking in hush with Tony, Steve grabbed his moto keys and jacket.

“Steve? Where are you going?” Bucky asked, surprised and poorly concealed concern.

Steve played with his key. “I have an exposition. My paintings are going to be exposed tonight.”

“What?” Tony and Bucky exclaimed at the same time.

“You didn’t tell me you finished any of your paintings,” Bucky said.

Steve kept walking.

“Do you even care?” He whispered loud enough for Bucky heard.

“What did he say?” Tony’s voice reverberated in the room.

“Nothing, baby.” Steve expected the pain to come. Nothing. He kept walking.

“Do you want me to join you?” Bucky said behind him, he was running toward him, with his phone and Tony still on.

Steve entered the elevator and turned around. “It’s Tony’s day, isn’t? Enjoy your night together.”

The door closed on Bucky’s crestfallen face. “Steve…” He whispered, sadly.

The night went perfectly and to his surprise he met wonderful people who invited him to the restaurant. They spent the entire time talking about Arts, whether it was writing, painting, singing, any form of arts. Steve for once in a few months let a genuine smile bloom on his face.

And when they left the restaurant and he walked back to the Tower, the advice of Sam to find his own place to live grew on him. His own place. Just for him.

That night he didn’t go to bed with Bucky, who was already asleep. Steve slept on the couch instead, dreaming of a near future where he’d be free.

But it wasn’t for now.

During the remaining of the days without Tony, Bucky had been perfect. Really. He had offered multiple outdoor activities, they went to the restaurant, he asked questions about Steve’s hobbies and he seemed genuinely concerned by his wellbeing. Steve had tried to stay emotionless by this change of emotion and he did succeed until Tony called him.

He had thought of a prank at first, but he still jumped on his phone, excitation running through his body.

“Hello, Steve?” Tony asked, calmly.

“Ton-Tony?”

“Yeah, how are you?” Tony asked with ease, as if they called each other every day.

“As good as one can be. And you? Are you taking care of yourself? I know when you are on a business trip you tend to be as unaware of your basics needs.”

Silence. Steve cursed. Too much information, too soon. God, I’ve fucked up…he groaned inwardly.

“Whoa I didn’t know you honestly cared,” Tony chuckled, albeit serious.

“I know I haven’t been the best above toward you, Tony. I know I hurt you and I…” He choked up. “I’m sorry. It won’t probably change anything, but I do love you.”

Tony stayed silence for a while, enough for Steve to think he was gone.

“Cap’…” He started slowly.

“You don’t have to reply. I know you don’t love me like that and it’s okay. Your pain is valid,” Steve cut him off quickly.

Tony breath grew quicker. Steve glanced at the phone ready to ask if he was okay.

“Cap’…I love you too,” Tony pronounced quickly before hanging up.

For a long time, Steve would doubt he heard him correctly. It all felt too surreal and in total opposition with Tony’s usual behavior. Steve’s mind filled the blanks and what-if and shutdown his instincts and Sam’s voice. Now he knew Tony was almost closed enough, he could hold on a little bit longer. The words said in a hurry were a balm to Steve’s battered heart.

And so, he stopped pretending. He smiled more freely, he stopped going on the roof, he stopped avoiding guns and knives, he stopped avoiding Bucky and let himself felt loved.

Tony came back a Thursday. On Steve and Bucky’s day. Steve had prepared with the help of Thor the roof to look like an ethereal Asgardian room. Thor had brought back a few beautiful objects filled with Magic which would change create a dome over their head and project Asgard’s night sky. Steve had prepared the food Bucky loved and even the few songs they used to play in their apartment back in the 40’s. Everything was perfect.

Steve stood excited and nervous next to Thor, who embrace him with one arm.

“Well Steven, James will be more than pleased. You have outdone yourself.”

Steve blushed and hid his face in Thor’s chest. “If it wasn’t for you, I’d be doing a boring dinner…”

“A boring dinner?” Thor asked confused. “How could a dinner with you be boring?”

“Well…Tony is rich, and Bucky can do whatever he wants because Tony will offer him all he desires. And there is me…it doesn’t leave me a lot of options, you see?”

“I do not understand, Steve. You are one of the fiercest warriors and most compassionate person I know. Even a simple Midgardian dinner with you would make anyone happy.”

Steve chuckled humorlessly. “I wish it was like that, Thor. I wish…”

Thor tightened his embrace one more time before leading Steve to the elevator.

“Go, Steven. There are many things in that head of yours and none of them should be present to tarnish this gorgeous night. We shall see each other in the morning and I hope to see you with a real smile on your face.”

Thor pushed Steve in the elevator before he could reply. The door closed on Thor smiling.

Steve paced in the elevator, wiping his hands on his pants. God…it wasn’t the first time he’d been on a date, but it was truly the first time he’d outdone himself.

This time Bucky will like it. This time I won’t fuck up, he repeated as a mantra.

The door opened on the…penthouse. He was about to correct Friday and tell she missed one floor when she saw Bucky and Tony, dressed in suits. They looked as surprised as he.

“Bucky? Tony? Where are you going?” He asked, uncertain. Had he missed something? Wasn’t it Thursday? Oh no…

“Tony had some late tickets for an exposition which stops tonight, so I accepted,” Bucky said, rolling his eyes fondly at Tony, who stuck his tongue out.

“But we are on Thursday, right? Is it not supposed to be our day?” Steve asked, voice small. He gnawed his lower lip under the stress.

“Yeah, I know, but it’s the last day, Stevie. And since we mostly stay at home for our days, I thought…”

Steve didn’t listen to the rest. He nodded and told him he understood. He wished them a good evening and went back to the roof, unaware of the unconcealed worry in Bucky’s eyes, who was easily distracted by Tony’s kisses.

Steve walked on the roof, gathering all the cutlery, plates, magical object and placed them inside. He tidied his room and the apartment. He lit out all the candles and opened the windows to air everything. Then he went back to the roof. His mind was totally blank. There were no thoughts, no questioning. For once he knew where to go and why. But this time there wasn’t a plane to pilot and Bucky was alive.

Steve stepped on the edge and looked below him, dazed. Through his blurry eyes the kaleidoscope of colors made his stomach churn and his head turn. He wobbled and fell.

Bucky and Tony sat at their table. Bucky let his eyes roam outside. The view was breath taking. After going to the science exposition, Tony had surprised Bucky with a fancy restaurant. But not only. They were the only one there. The restaurant, a 5-star because Tony couldn’t spend way less for their dates, was at the top of a giant building and they were on the closed rooftop, where the city laid bare under their eyes. Bucky had almost awed like a child and ran to see get closer to the windows. Tony had watched him with an amused smile. He hadn’t made his usual jokes, which made Bucky’s heat beat faster.

It was rare for Tony to stay so contemplative and to know it was he, who subjugate him, made Bucky’s heart soared.

Tony raised a hand beckoning Bucky to join him to the table. As he was sitting down, Tony pulled him closer to him and kissed him. A soft and slow kiss that left both of them breathless.

“Could it be more perfect?” Bucky whispered eyes half closed.

Tony leaned forward and captured his lips for a tender kiss. He didn’t go any faster than for the first one and Bucky appreciated all the same. He loved when Tony was brutal, deviant but a soft and lovely Tony was as addictive.

“If you continue, I will have you as dinner,” Bucky murmured.

Tony chuckled and let him go, not without pressing a last time his lips on his.

“Let’s eat, then.”

The conversation went as smooth as it could go. They talked about mundane things, deep personal subject as they ate and played footsie under the table. Everything went so well. Too well.

Tony had been talking about the exposition when Bucky’s mind picked up onto something. It had been at the back of his mind since they left the Tower and was only confirmed when they arrived in the expo.

“Tony, why today?” Bucky asked abruptly. Tony closed his mouth and raised an eyebrow.

“Why today?” Tony repeated slowly.

“The expo started today. But you told me that it was the last day.”

“Oh.” Something unpleasant woke up in Bucky’s chest. Steve’s heartbroken face was stuck in his mind. Bucky blinked the image away. “Well, I lied,” he laughed it off.

Bucky barely smiled.

Till the end of the line

Tony stopped laughing and caressed with his thumb Bucky’s hand.

“Does that really disturb you?” He asked, concerned.

“It was not our day, Tony. You were the one who decided the planning. I don’t know…it worked pretty fine…” Tony huffed sarcastically.

“Worked pretty fine? Rogers and I can’t stay in the same room.”

“You.”

“What?”

“You can’t stay in the same room as Steve, but he had no problems otherwise.”

Tony leaned back, crossing his arms on his chest.

“Do we have to talk about that, right now? It’s our night.”

“Technically no,” Bucky retorted, an eyebrow raised. He didn’t know what came into him, but he wouldn’t let that go. Most of the time, Tony could charm his way out of these conversations but not now. Bucky pushed down his own guilt.

“We are doing that right now then. What’s the problem with Rogers?”

Bucky raised his eyes to the sky. “That! You call him Rogers but a few weeks ago you told him that you loved him. What’s all this twists and turns?”

Tony’s eyebrows were furrowed, his eyes were slowly darkening under the anger. “Because you told me to.”

“I what?” Bucky exclaimed, officially irate. “I never asked you to lie to him about your feelings. What kind of game are you playing?”

Tony grabbed his drink and bottomed up. “Who said I was lying to him?” He replied shakily. There again, the fleeting emotion appeared in his whiskey orbs.

Bucky was floored. “So, you love him.”

A small blush appeared on his face. “What if?”

Bucky blinked owlishly. “You spend the entire year giving the silent treatment to Steve, you can’t even look at him in the eyes more than a few seconds and you love him.”

Tony gritted his teeth. He wiped his cheeks and sniffed. “You don’t understand…” He muttered. “A part of me loves Steve and wants to trust him but the other part…the one scared and angry at him is…I can’t let go of the anger. And every time I see him, I wanted him to pay. Why did I have to suffer in the goddamn bunker, through the Accords alone…I wanted him to pay because he broke my heart. I thought we were getting somewhere…” He poured some wine in his glass. “and boom you appeared…”

Bucky swallowed with difficulty. “So what am I? Your prize? You know that Steve and me we are a package deal and you make me fall in love with you, you isolate Steve and what? What is your big finale?”

Tony almost dropped his glass as he grabbed Bucky’s hand in his. “You were never a prize. Never.” Kiss. “Never.” Kiss. “I simply fell in love with you. I never thought of using…”

“Don’t lie,” Bucky interrupted.

Tony’s eyes widen and guilt finally appeared in his eyes.

“You used me maybe unconsciously, but you did and all of that to hurt Steve.”

Tony shook his head in disbelieved. “So, did you.”

Bucky froze. Tony turned his hand palms up and kissed the tender skin. “Since the beginning you complained about Steve. His boring dates, his overbearing attention, his burdening love…So don’t put the blame on me. We both share it. Don’t forget that you’ve been the one forcing me not telling Steve that we wanted to be monogamous. If it was me, we’d be married.” He caressed the ring on Bucky’s finger. “When I proposed, you said yes, Bucky. And then you lied to Steve again. And to me.”

Tony gulped his drink and stood up. He took of his own ring and place it in Bucky’s palm.

“If you really want this…prove it to me.”

Tony left the rooftop, leaving Bucky to his thoughts. Tears trickled in his eyes, he toyed with the ring and kissed it.

What was he doing? He closed his eyes and prayed. He should be running after Tony and confess his love. He should…he should…but why when he opened his eyes, he secretly wished to see a blond head. Why sometimes when Tony kissed him and touched him, Bucky imagined it was Steve’s hands were also on him.

He groaned and hit his head on the table. He brought it on himself. Every time…every time Steve kissed him…Bucky bit his lip to contain his scream. When Steve kissed him, Bucky felt ablaze. He’d lose himself in his kisses and touches, then he’d be struck by fear. If Steve went further…if they made love…Bucky wasn’t sure how he’d survive. For every kiss from Steve, Bucky washed them off with 10 kisses from Tony.

And yet his heart wanted the blond man more than he’d trust himself.

Steve woke up in his bed. In his underwear. He stayed still for a while. Eyes on the ceiling he counted to a hundred and back to one.

I’m alive, he thought. He flexed his toes and clenched his fingers. I’m alive, he repeated, in disbelief. How?

He rolled on his side and straight out of bed. Besides his hunger he didn’t fell changed. Had he dreamed last night? The failed dinner, Bucky and Tony…he closed his eyes and took a shuddery breath.

“Friday? Who brought be in bed?”

“Thor, Captain.”

“Why?” He whispered to no one in particular.

“You deserve to live, Captain. You deserve to be happy.”

Friday’s voice, although she was an AI, was full of warmth. Steve looked down, blinking away his tears.

“I certainly don’t feel like that.”

“You will, in time.”

“I will.” He repeated in awe at those simple words. Maybe he would, but he needed help. He’d have to call Sam and see someone else. Someone who could help him get better, because he wasn’t good…the need to call for his mom intensified. He swallowed his cry for help and went to the bathroom.

Someone knocked on his door.

Steve wiped his tears and told the person to come in.

It was Bucky. He looked like hell. He had bags under his eyes and his skin was a greyish colour. Steve opened his mouth to ask if anything was okay when Bucky talked.

“It’s over Steve,” he simply said. “Us. It’s over. I’m sorry I should have told you that a few months ago but Tony and I we are engaged and we – I want a monogamous relationship.”

Steve nodded. He opened again his mouth but closed it, not finding enough in himself to argue or retort anything. He wanted to cry, to scream at Bucky, at Tony and…

“Are you happy with Tony?” The words tumbled out of his mouth.

Bucky looked surprised at the question. “Yes,” he replied.

“I guess it’s the end of the line,” Steve said, staring at Bucky’s eyes.

“We can still be friend, Stevie. It doesn’t have to end like that,” Bucky answered, desperate.

“So, I guess it’s the end of the line,” Steve repeated to himself, as he entered the bathroom.

“Stevie,” Bucky begged, arm stretched in front of him.

Steve never looked back.

If he’d stay, he’d see how Bucky was trembling.

If he’d stay, he’d see how realization dawned upon Bucky. It was over. Steve was not with him anymore. Bucky finally got what he wanted. He was free. He was free…He slowly made his way out of the room under the shock. Before he was out, he grabbed one of Steve’s hoodie and brought it to his nose.

“What have I done?” he whispered to the empty room.

Bucky came back to his room silently. He never noticed Tony who was pacing in the penthouse. When the elevators doors opened, the smaller brunettes ran to him.

“Babe?” He asked, uncertain. “What happened?”

Tony led an unresponsive Bucky to their bedroom. He laid him down on the bed, finally noticing the hoodie in his arms. He didn’t try to pry it out of his grip and swallowed all of his questions. He needed to focus on the most important. Bucky. Bucky who was scaring the hell out of him.

“What happened, baby?”

“I did it,” Bucky whispered, eyes unfocused.

“What did you do?”

“I told Steve I wanted a monogamous relationship with you.” Bucky closed his eyes. “I told his I wanted to break up.”

Tony froze. “And how did Steve react? Did he hurt you?” The lack of response from Bucky angered Tony, who took his silence for a yes. Tony tried to leave the bed, but Bucky’s metal arm pulled him back on him.

“He didn’t do anything. And now it’s Steve, huh?”

Tony blushed and tried to change subject. “What do you mean he didn’t do anything. I don’t see righteous Rogers not reacting.”

Bucky chuckled miserably. “You never knew him them. I know you hate him, but don’t forget that without him the world would be under Hydra. He may be a pain in the ass, but you have to admit you missed it. The banter, the argument, the intellectual battles between both of them. With Steve you had at least someone who didn’t care about anything but your brain. He didn’t care about your money or status and would ground you. That’s why, after you told us to come live in the Tower, you fought him so much and it angered you that he never answered to any of your insults anymore.”

Tony looked at Bucky side profile mouth agape. Bucky turned his head toward him and smiled sadly.

“I may not be as smart as you, Doll, but I’m not stupid.”

Tony dropped his gaze and took a deep breath. “He really didn’t react?” He asked, seriously. Long was gone his act. He was tired to battle his feelings. He was exhausted to be always thinking of Steve, of this dichotomy in his head, this war between his love and anger. Because no, he didn’t hate Steve. Tony simply didn’t understand why…why it felt so painful to be in love with Steve. He had been so warped up in his hurt, not letting go because he was afraid of losing ground and losing himself.

So yes, he hadn’t understood how Steve after leaving him looked so good and would act so righteously, while Tony was drowning. Steve never answered any of his barbs, he never tried to make any kind of interaction with Tony…and yes it angered him.

He had been so furious. Why was Steve the one who got out with any wounds and Tony the one left with a jagged heart. Why?

And then, Tony started messing around with Bucky. It has never been to hurt Steve or getting at him. Not at first…and then…and then Bucky came one day telling him that Steve agreed for a polyamorous relationship. If at first Tony had been on board, he soon realized that it wasn’t enough. He wanted it all. He wanted what Steve had offered. An equal relationship between all of them.

So, he created a plan, which, back then, seemed to be the best plan. The main goal was to push Steve to act or react. Tony had wanted Steve to be like he was before, when he used to force Tony to talk and open up. In his mind, they’d argue for a long and Steve would say something that made Tony crumple and open up. They’d both reveal their feelings and make out.

He knew his plan’s flaws. Well, he had learned quick enough that Steve was as stubborn as he. He respected Tony’s boundaries, never retorted to his insults, never complained when he offered a ridiculous planning for their dates. Well, he did reply but not like Tony would have wanted.

Steve’s small, uncertain voice had left him speechless. The man, who never backed down without a fight, had seemed so vulnerable and defeated. The angry beast inside Tony’s chest had jumped on this occasion and he’d responded carelessly. He’d thought Steve would be angry, and would react like he normally did by shutting Tony up.

The light in Steve’s blue eyes had dimmed at Tony’s answer and Bucky had to intervene, unaware that Tony was already about to apologies, and so he pretended that Bucky had been the one forcing him to soften his answer. While all he’d wanted was to kneel at Steve’s feet, grab his hands and ask him to forgive him, that he forgave him for everything anyway.

Now thinking about it, Tony realized he was wrong. Steve also has changed since Siberia. And maybe it was what scared Tony the most. Steve was totally different, and Tony didn’t understand how much.

Who was he now? What made him tick or laugh?

That’s partly why Tony made sure to go on business trip so often. He needed Bucky to be with Steve, to reassure both of them that Steve was somewhat the same they used to know. And yes, Tony knew it was fucked-up. He was the one hurting him and at the same time he wanted to keep him near, which explained the last part of plan B. And even that plan didn’t work, as Bucky was still with him and not Steve.

He repressed a hysterical laugh and gripped Bucky’s left hand where his ring shone.

“Why did you do that?” Tony asked abruptly.

“What?”

“Why did you choose me?”

Bucky tilted his head toward Tony and eyed his face.

“What?”

“I thought you’d choose Steve, honestly. You weren’t supposed to choose me.”

“The fuck you mean I wasn’t supposed to choose you?” Bucky asked sitting against the headboard.

“I mean. I pushed Steve away and hurt him you know it. I thought you’d realize how Steve is better than me and stay with me.”

Bucky stared at him eyes wide. “Doll, what the fuck are you talking about?”

“I had this plan.” Tony licked his lips, before spilling the truth out.

Bucky stayed calm and silent during the entire explanation and stared at the hoodie in his hand.

“I knew it,” Bucky admitted after Tony finished.

“You what?” He spluttered.

“I heard you talking about your stupid plan a year ago, Tony. You were so exhausted that you probably didn’t remember me, but I was there. I knew all along.”

Tony let go of Bucky’s hand. “And you let me do it?” He asked, dismayed.

“I…I…I.” Bucky dropped his head into his hands and groaned. “I don’t know. It felt good to be loved. It felt good to be the center of attention of two people, so yeah, I played along, thinking that you’d come around or Steve. And the more we went and the least I felt right about my decision. I kept lying and lying to Steve, pushing him away and he stayed. Everything I didn’t want to do with him, he put it on Hydra and my PTSD and I never tried to tell him otherwise. Like you said, I’m as guilty as you.”

Tony’s laugh made them both jump. The laughter rooted in hysteria and despair froze Bucky. It took a few minutes for Tony to calm down and even then, tears ran down his cheeks. Bucky automatically went to his face and wiped them.

“We are so fucked up,” Tony whispered, voice rasped. “So fucked up.”

Bucky only nodded.

“You didn’t tell me what Steve said,” Tony suddenly said.

Bucky sighed. “I guess, it’s the end of the line.”

Tony’s heart constrict. Fear flowed in his veins. The way Steve had acted yesterday…and what he told Bucky…Tony needed to be sure.

“Fri show me what Steve did yesterday.”

The AI, surprisingly silent, turned the TV on.

“Why…” Bucky stopped when they saw Steve preparing the rooftop with Thor.

Tony’s grip on Bucky’s hand accented. The more they watched and the more dreadful they felt.

The discussion with Thor at the end didn’t help. Tony tried to say something, to pause the recording and take a breather…his breath - or was it Bucky’s - grew quick. His hands – or Bucky’s – were sweaty. His vision tunneled and nothing mattered but the words that rang in his ears.

The incertitude of Steve, his fears, his surprise and doubt seeing Bucky and Tony, the way his eyes were blank and the smile on his face was fake, the way he held himself to still and didn’t answer when they wished him goodnight.

They both thought the video would stop there.

They watched silently Steve tidy the rooftop like a robot. There was a certain lack of life or presence in each of his movement, like he wasn’t mentally there.

Then Steve went surprising back to the empty rooftop.

“What is he doing, there is nothing left on the roof? Right?” Bucky asked with an underlying terror.

“Yes. Maybe he wants to make sure…”

Steve stepped up on edge and let himself fall.

Their heart, Bucky and Tony, stopped. They both surged out of the bed ready to catch him. Tony unconsciously activated his suit and was ready to fly out and was only stopped when Thor appeared on the screen, holding Steve’s limp body.

Only then Tony relaxed. Only then he realized that Steve was alive, and that Bucky had already talked to him a little earlier. The suit still on he let himself fall on the floor, in a loud thump. He rolled on his back, his breathing erratic.

Steve…Steve attempted suicide. Steve tried to kill himself. Steve tried to kill himself and it was their fault.

The suit disappeared around him and he was left raw. His entire lungs hurt every time he breathed. he tried to keep his eyes open and found a blurry face next to him. He raised his hand and the figure disappear as his hand passed through. The blurry face came back this time closer. Tony swallowed with difficulty and tried to call him. “St…e…ve”.

The face got closer, so close Tony could guess the blue piercing eyes watching him, worried. Tear ran down his temples as he tried again to say his name.

‘Steve’ got him to a sitting position and talked him through his attack. His voice, so familiar yet so different appeased Tony. “It’s been so long, Steve...” Tony admitted, delirious. “I’m so sorry.”

“It’s okay, Tones.” The voice answered, sad.

‘Steve’ pressed a kiss on the crown of his head and rocked gently the smaller brunette in his arms. They stayed in the same position for a couple of minutes.

“Sorry to interrupt, Boss, but Captain Rogers’ vitals are critic.”

Steve? But who was…?

Tony and ‘Steve’ stood up. Bucky avoided his eyes and grabbed his hands.

“I’m sorry, Bucky.”

Bucky glanced at him, offering a wistful smile. “I know, Doll.”

They made their way pretty quickly to Steve’s room. Friday led them to the bathroom. The door was off its hinges and there was blood steps all the way to the veranda, but all they noticed was the blood. They ran inside the bathroom and gasped. Bucky kneel next to the bloody tub. It was still half full of blood, but Steve wasn’t there. Bucky made sure of it. He dove his hands into the vital liquids search the entire bathtub. Tony stopped breathing as Bucky’s full arm got swallowed by the blood.

“Please…please…please…” He repeated under his breath.

Bucky took his hand out and shook his head. He slumped onto the bathtub and sat still. Tony took a big breath and fell onto his knees. Moved by the adrenaline and despair he crawled to Bucky and kissed him. Bucky lurched forward and deepened the kiss.

Fury. Sorrow. Anguish.

Their kiss turned angry. Bucky bit violently Tony until he bled, and Tony pulled his hair until Bucky groaned in pain.

Both of them chased physical pain to lessen the actual agony in their heart.

Both of them stopped at the same time.

“I’m sorry,” they both pronounced simultaneously.

Bucky pressed his forehead against Tony.

“It’s over,” they both declared simultaneously in a whisper.

Each of them took off their ring and let them sink in the bloody bathtub.

Epilogue

Thor was the one who found Steve’s bloody body. He had been the one to take him to Asgard where his mom and her servants nursed him back to health. He had been the one who made the choice for Steve to sacrifice his body filled with serum and revert to his smaller body, but no longer sick. Frigga had made sure to grant him the strength of the Aesir.

Steve may not live as long as Thor but he’ll live a long and healthy life.

They stayed long after he regained consciousness. Although his body was stronger than ever his mind was scattered. He saw a mind healer on Asgard who helped him get through. Thor made sure Steve would discover every day his world and the many other planets. He’d enjoy seeing bewilderment shine in Steve’s blue eyes whenever they travelled in the countryside or even inside the castle. Steve would capture with his brain every detail, that he’ll transcript on the finest canvas in Asgard.

Soon enough, Freya found out about his hobby and ordered some of his most ethereal paintings of their world.

Thor stayed by his side at each step. He listened to his cries, to his screams. He stayed by his side when he cried or hid terrified that Bucky or Tony would find him, barging in and taking away. Steve would whisper his darkest secrets, every time they wandered at night in the gardens. He’d talk about suicide, how he came to the conclusion that a life without Bucky wasn’t a life, how Tony had become his solace, and how they played with his heart, left hanging on the verge of sanity.

Thor never replied. Instead he offered a shoulder to cry, arms to wrap around his small frame when it was too much. Thor never showed any emotion but empathy. His heart was open to Steve. Always.

As they walked again through the garden, the moon grazing Steve’s blond hair like a crown, Thor’s heart fluttered. Steve, unconscious to all of his internal commotion, grabbed his hand and led him closer to the waterfall. Then, he let go of his hand and untied the long silk robe he was wearing, which fell on the floor silently.

Thor’s eyes took in every single detail of Steve naked body. But what struck him the most was his smile. A blinding smile.

“A smile so blinding…I’m jealous of whatever or whoever was your muse.”

Steve let out a laugh, head thrown back, revealing the white column of his neck.

“There is only one person with me tonight.”

Thor lips stretched into a fond smile. He watched peacefully as Steve’s pale body entered the deep water and untied his robe before jumping in the water, splashing Steve, who laughed louder.

Fin

[dragabloodvist]

The Darkcup Chronicles: How to train your prize - 3

Summary:

Hiccup shows his dark side.

Notes:

This Hiccup is twisted and cruel... I love him.

___

The next time Astrid woke up, she felt significantly better and more awake than the last time. She was still a little dizzy, but she had no problems sitting up and taking a long look around her as she tried to remember where she was. 

It came to her slowly. This was Hiccup’s hut, his bed. She was naked and hurting, inside of her, between her legs and in her lower body. Horrible images came to her mind, explaining why she was hurting in those places. Images of Hiccup above her, forcing her to do and accept things she hadn’t wanted. But no, that couldn’t be true, could it? Hiccup would never do something like that!

Would he? 

Astrid shook her head in disbelief, half-certain that she’d only had a weird dream. Hiccup loved her. He’d made that clear on many occasions, had told her so, had even asked her to become his wife. He wouldn’t rape her, right? 

But the longer she sat there thinking about it, the clearer the images in her head became and the more evidence she discovered on her body. Like the sore skin around her wrists and ankles where she’d been bound. Bruises on her thighs and waist, one clearly hand-shaped. The dried remains of a sticky white liquid around her slit. 

Oh, Gods! Had all that really happened? A quiet sob left her mouth before she could hold it back. She didn’t want to make any noises and draw attention to herself, not until she knew what was happening. She wasn’t bound anymore which was at least something, but it also didn’t quite fit to what she remembered. The same was true for her clothes. She might be naked, but her leggings, tunic, and skirt lay neatly folded on a small stool nearby. And even though she was alone up here, she could hear Hiccup downstairs, rummaging about and - was he humming to himself? None of this made any sense. 

Astrid decided that staying up here and pondering wouldn’t do her any good. She needed answers and she wouldn’t get them by panicking. Careful not to make any traitorous noises, she put her clothes back on and then made her way downstairs. Toothless was lying around in a corner but she more focused on Hiccup where he worked in his little kitchen. She watched him silently, not wanting to draw his attention just yet as he appeared to prepare some food in two bowls, for him and for herself. And she didn't miss how he mixed some to her unknown power into only one of the bowls, the one he placed where she would be sitting. And from one moment to the other, she realised something.

"You've drugged me!" 

The words were out of her mouth before she could hold them back, the truth behind them suddenly clear as crystal. Why her memories had been so fuzzy and why she recalled how her body had wanted him to touch her, even as her mind had disagreed. He'd even said he'd do it after their return from Berk. She’d just thought that he’d been joking.

Hiccup's eyes snapped up to her but if he felt guilty or any form of remorse he didn't show it. Instead, there was only surprise on his face, maybe even a small smile. "You're awake already? I was just about to come and wake you up. Dinner's ready, even though it still might be a little hot."

He indicated for her to sit down, but Astrid wouldn't fall into that trap, not again. "You've drugged me!" she repeated, waving at the food. "You've drugged me and then raped me! HOW COULD YOU DO THAT!?"

Astrid had expected for him to deny the accusation, to stammer some apologies or even to get angry as he objected, but none of that happened. Instead, he stayed eerily calm.

"You're right, I put something in your food last night. But only to make things easier. And I didn't rape you. You enjoyed it just as much as I did, don’t even try to deny it. Besides, you're mine now, remember? Mine to do with as I please."

Astrid could do little but stare at him in bafflement. "You can't be serious! If this is some sick joke, then it's not funny, Hiccup. What makes you think you can use me as… as your sex slave?"

Hiccup's eyes tightened. "Because you agreed to it," he said in a harsh voice. "You signed the contract as did your parents. You accepted the price my father paid for you, gladly even. You're mine now, Astrid. MINE! The sooner you accept that the easier things will be for you. I don't want to hurt you but I will if you make me."

"You want to hurt me?" Astrid shrieked. If the situation wasn't so weird, she would have laughed. "As if you could! And I never agreed to something like this! I-I thought you loved me. I agreed to marry you, to spend our future together, our lives connected by that love. But this? This is insane! You are insane! And if you truly think I’m going to play along with this madness then you’re more stupid than I thought."

Hiccup was glaring at her with a clearly angry expression now, slowly coming closer. He held something in his hand, some kind of flask, but she couldn't tell what it was. "Don't do this, Astrid. Don't fight against me. You can only lose." His voice was calm but trembling with underlying anger.

"Oh yeah? Do you think I just let you use me like that? No way, Hiccup!" And with that, she left.

Or… had meant to leave.

Hiccup made a quick gesture, snapping his fingers, and she flinched as suddenly Toothless blocked her way out. He wasn’t relaxed and sleepy anymore but in a clearly aggressive posture, growling at her. Normally, she’d say that there was no way one of their dragons would harm anyone of them in earnest, but right now, she wasn’t so sure anymore. She’d been wrong about Hiccup, too.

“That’s right,” came Hiccup’s voice from behind her. “He won’t let you leave. This is your last warning, Astrid. Don’t fight me.”

She whirled around, fighting the lingering dizziness in her head, and crouched into a combat stance. “If you think I’ll just give in like that then-”

She broke off, gasping when she was hit by something damp. Hiccup held the flask from before in her direction, engulfing her in a damp cloud of bluish mist that made it impossible for her to move. Her eyes widened as realisation hit her, but there was nothing she could do anymore, no way to fight or to resist.

There was actual sadness in Hiccup’s eyes as he came toward her after placing the flask onto a sideboard. “Originally, I didn’t intend to use Flightmare mist on you. I know how you feel about it with how it is connected to your family’s shame. But you didn’t leave me any choice. This is your fault, Astrid. Yours alone!” 

Without a warning, he slapped her in the face, hard, with the back of his hand. Her head snapped to the side and she gasped out a small cry, but there was nothing she could do to ward him off. Her eyes were filled with tears of anger and pain, her lip stinging from where it had split at his blow. She wanted to whirl around and attack him in return. He was no match for her, after all. But the Flightmare mist kept her paralysed, helpless and vulnerable to whatever Hiccup wanted to do to her now. 

“This is all your fault!” he snarled again as he grabbed her, one hand in her hair and the other on her shoulder. He pushed her down onto the ground until she knelt before him, holding her head so she had no choice but to look at him. “Do you understand me? None of this needed to happen. But I won’t allow you to disobey me, not ever. If you do, I have to punish you. Until you know your place. Got it?”

He didn’t wait for an answer which wouldn’t have come anyway. Instead, he got back up on his feet and loosened his belt for his pants to be pushed down and for his manhood to spring forward. Astrid felt a panic rise inside her, having an idea of what was on his mind. So far, him violating her had been kind of pleasurable, that much she had to admit. But with Hiccup being this angry, things would be different this time. 

She wished she could say something, just do anything to ward him off, fight or argue or even plead. But her body wouldn’t react as she wanted it to. She could only watch and endure in horror as he forced her jaw open and pushed his pulsing cock into her mouth. It made her gag as he hit the back of her mouth, those reflexes still very much in order, but it didn’t do her any good. If anything, it seemed to annoy Hiccup even further. Snarling, he pulled out, changed the angle of her head, and thrust right back in, this time going much deeper down her throat.

Astrid momentarily lost all sense for her surroundings, lost in her rising panic and the pain his intrusion caused her. She wanted to scream at how much it hurt when Hiccup pushed his entire cock down her throat, surely tearing something inside her. But all her body did was gagging and choking at the uncomfortable invasion and clenching around the hard meat in an attempt to push it out. Her eyes went up to Hiccup’s pleading and filled with tears. Why was he doing this to her? How was he even capable of such violence? It hurt! But if she’d hoped to find some form of compassion in his expression, she got disappointed. 

“Mmmm, you look lovely like this,” he sneered, pushing in deep and holding her in place, her nose pressed into his pubic hair and unable to breathe with her throat filled by his cock. “I can’t wait until you’re properly trained and will do this on your own. But we have time, don’t we? All the time in the world.” He rocked his hips forward, making her shriek. “I just hope you’ll learn your lesson now. For your sake.” 

Those were the last words he spoke before he thankfully pulled her head back and let her breathe. If didn’t last long though and before she’d even gulped down a third lungful of air, his thick cock was back inside her. And if she’d thought that first deep thrust had been bad, she was about to learn a whole new level of agony. Hiccup’s hands were firmly around her head, tugging painfully at her hair as he fucked her throat without mercy. In and out he pushed, his groans evidence of how much pleasure he received from her body without paying any heed to how she felt. His speed and force only grew, leaving her twitching around him as she choked almost constantly. Tears ran down her face freely, mingling with the spit on her chin, but she couldn’t care less about that. 

The longer he fucked her mouth, the harder it became to breathe. Deeper and deeper he pushed, holding her in place to let her choking muscles massage even more pleasure into him. Before long, Astrid became frantic. In addition to the pain and humiliation she felt, her head became even fuzzier and black spots appeared before her eyes. She needed to breathe! But there was still nothing she could do, couldn’t move a muscle to push him away and couldn’t gasp out some noise to make him stop either. She was entirely at his mercy, and if he planned to kill her by suffocation, then there was nothing stopping him. Maybe, that would even be the preferable option as it meant all this would end soon. 

Astrid closed her eyes and gave up any useless struggles. She felt too weak to do anything anyway, and that wasn’t even with taking her paralysed muscles into account. She was at Hiccup’s mercy, and if he wanted to kill her… then he would.

Her last thought before she lost consciousness was how it was possible that she’d misjudged him so badly.

_________________________________

Anger fueled Hiccup’s every motion as he plowed into Astrid’s mouth without any restraints. How could she do this to him? She was supposed to be his now, to follow his lead and to do whatever he told her to do. He’d known that she would resist and that he would need the aphrodisiacs to make her compliant. But he’d hoped that giving her enough pleasure would be all the convincing she needed. After how she hadn’t really fought him this morning, he’d thought that she’d understood, had even removed all restraints. He didn’t want to hurt her but now, he had no choice. If she insisted on resisting him… then he had to punish her!

And it wasn’t as if he didn’t enjoy this punishment, either. Freia, her mouth around his long and thick length felt amazing, and the sight of her so utterly helpless made it even better. Here she was, Astrid of House Hofferson, best warrior Berk had, on her knees and being forced to take his cock without resistance. It sent a thrill down his back and made him grip her hair even harder, made him push down her throat with even more force. He was her master now, and what better way was there to make her understand? 

And Gods did it ever feel good! So hot and tight, her wet throat clenching around him over and over again. On and on he fucked her face, groaning and swearing as the familiar tightness started to build in his balls. 

It took him a little while before he noticed that she wasn’t reaction anymore, though. Earlier, she’d made all those lovely noises of pain and resistance, but now, she was entirely still quiet, like nothing but a puppet in his hands. 

She’d fallen unconscious!

With an angry snarl, Hiccup pushed her off his cock and watched as her limp body fell to the ground as if it was nothing but dead weight. The Flightmare mist was apparently already losing its effect on her, or her stiff muscles would have kept her upright at least to some degree. But he wouldn’t let her get away just like that, wouldn’t let her retreat into unconsciousness. Not after how much she’d hurt him by defying him. 

With a few rough motions, he picked her up and off the floor. When she still didn’t react, he slapped her in the face, satisfied when that woke her up again. Astrid’s eyes, usually so beautiful with her inner strength and confidence, sprang open in shock, dizziness and fear clouding the blue. And Hiccup found that this expression didn’t do anything to dampen their beauty. By the Gods, he loved her so much. If only she hadn’t fought against him!

“You’re not getting away that easily,” he snarled into her ear, delighting at the low whimper that escaped her. Yeah, that was right. She should fear his retribution. Maybe it would keep her from disobeying him again. 

As good as fucking her mouth had felt, Hiccup didn’t entirely trust himself not to drive her into unconsciousness again. So he pushed her over to one of his work tables, brushed the few tools lying around there away, and practically threw her face-first onto the hard surface. She yelped and struggled but her weak attempts wouldn’t help her. Hiccup grabbed her wrists and pushed her down with one hand on her back, holding her in place as he pulled her leggings and skirt down to reveal her lovely ass and her swollen cunt. It was a fantastic sight, one he intended to admire many more times, but today he didn’t have the patience for that. 

Holding her hips in place, the other hand still pushing her upper body and arms down onto the table, he didn’t hesitate to get his cock into position at her slit and push in without much preamble. Astrid cried out in pain and even though Hiccup hissed at her dry tightness too, he didn’t pause. Yes, it hurt, but it didn’t hurt him as much as it hurt her. And right now, he wanted her to hurt! He wanted her to learn her lesson, to never disobey him again! 

He fucked her at a bruising pace, thrilled by her weak squirming against his hold and her noises of protest, the screams, crying, sobbing, and whimpering. Yes, she was his, his, and she had no option but to accept her fate. 

It surprised him how much punishing her like this turned him on. So far, he’d only pictured her willingly or sometimes even eagerly doing his bidding. But taking the choice entirely away from her… yeah, he rather liked that, too. 

When another sob tore itself from her abused throat, it even was almost enough to tip him over the edge already. But no matter how much he enjoyed this, he also knew that the key in bending her to his will was in giving her pleasure in return. So he forced himself to hold back and to make this last until her body started to feel pleasure from his cock inside her, too. It became obvious when she stopped struggling against his hold and instead squirmed to meet his thrusts and when her cries turned into wanton moans instead. There still were enough aphrodisiacs in her system to make her body a slave to the pleasure he could give her, after all. 

But this was still a punishment, his rage from earlier still burning hot. So he fucked her even harder, mingling her pleasure with fresh pain. It was liberating to put his anger into his every thrust, the slapping of skin on skin and her pleas for him to stop like sweet honey. Finally, he was fully in charge and his soul sang at that fact. She was his, his, his!

When he felt that she was getting closer to her climax, Hiccup stopped holding back. Before she could reach her end, he came, buried balls-deep in her hot body and pumping his entire load deep into her caverns, his fingers digging into her hips so tightly that they surely would leave bruises. He groaned as intense pleasure sparked up his spine and exploded in his head, making him shudder and curse unashamedly. This was quite possibly the best orgasm he’d ever had. When he was done, he slumped forward, resting his body on top of hers on the table, and enjoyed the sensation of her still around him, occasionally clenching, wanting, needing more, and her needy little noises that told him a part of her was still hoping for those last stimulations to make her cum as well. Well, she would have to go without that now. 

When the pleasure ebbed off though, he felt that his anger apparently had left with it. What remained was the dull ache her rejection and disobedience had left behind in his heart. Snuggling close against her back beneath him, he leaned more heavily onto her, his nose in her hair to deeply inhale her scent. 

"Don't do this to me," he mumbled pleadingly. "Don't fight me. Don't you think you've hurt me enough with all those years of rejection? I've loved you for so long that I've earned you love in return by now, haven't I? Please don't hurt me even more by resisting me now, Astrid. Please!"

But she didn't answer and when he finally pushed himself up and off her, he found that she'd fallen unconscious again. He pulled out of her, spotting quite some blood on his cock, mingled with his cum, and when he turned Astrid's limb body around, he saw blood on her face too, from a split lip but also from her used throat. There even were marks on her thighs from where he'd pressed her against the table, not bloody but close to it. 

With a sigh and something of a grimace, Hiccup picked her unmoving body up and carried her back up to his bed. He hadn't wanted to injure her, but she hadn't left him any other choice, had she? Disobedience required punishment!

He spent some time on tending to her injuries, like putting a healing salve on her lip and feeding her a spoonful of honey to ease the soreness in her throat. There was little he could do about the tears she'd received inside her vagina, but those would heal soon enough on their own. And until then, they would remind her of what awaited her if she resisted him again. 

Because even though he'd enjoyed punishing her in some way, he still hoped that she'd learned her lesson now. 

___

Notes:

I wonder if Astrid has really learned her lesson already. And what else Hiccup might have up his sleeve for her.

[buoyantsaturn]

Stupid (1/1)

summary: Anyway, he looked young and had an undercut and pale skin that didn’t do much to hide the bags under his eyes and - Will only noticed this after quite a bit of staring, admittedly - tons of tiny freckles. They were usually hidden by long sleeves or when his bangs occasionally brushed across his cheeks, but Will knew they were there. He was pretty, so pretty, honestly, and Will knew that he couldn’t be single, nobody that pretty was ever single, so of course when Will saw Blond Superman handing Pretty Boy a coffee and sitting down across from him, Will knew he didn’t have a chance.

word count: 3073

read it on ao3

There was this coffee shop a few blocks off campus that offered Will a handful of dollars (plus tips, if they were given) to play his guitar and sing every so often. Will - super thankful for the money, don’t get him wrong - honestly thought he was terrible at anything musical. There had to have been someone else that had an ounce more talent than Will, but it wasn’t like he was going to turn this down, especially when the “job” came with one free coffee a day. He needed those coffees to survive until he got into med school.

His friends also worked there, that was something else.

Ooh, and that one boy that came into the shop a few times a week.

He looked young enough that he might’ve gone to the high school across town, but Will had seen him around campus, too, and he was pretty sure they lived in the same dorm building? Maybe not.

Anyway, he looked young and had an undercut and pale skin that didn’t do much to hide the bags under his eyes and - Will only noticed this after quite a bit of staring, admittedly - tons of tiny freckles. They were usually hidden by long sleeves or when his bangs occasionally brushed across his cheeks, but Will knew they were there. He was pretty, so pretty, honestly, and Will knew that he couldn’t be single, nobody that pretty was ever single, so of course when Will saw Blond Superman handing Pretty Boy a coffee and sitting down across from him, Will knew he didn’t have a chance.

So he played some covers of some songs every couple of days at the coffee shop and Pretty Boy was always there, too, and Blond Superman was with him about ninety percent of the time. Will figured that the other ten was just when he was buying another drink or going to the bathroom or something.

Even so, after Will finished his set one night (it looked like he got at least twenty dollars in tips, very nice), he packed up his things and was about to leave when he saw Pretty Boy sitting alone at his usual table. It took Will a second, but he didn’t remember seeing Superman there with him at all that night, so he cautiously moved toward the table.

He greeted Pretty Boy, a simple, Hi, I’m Will, but somehow seemed to have still startled Pretty Boy, who looked up at him with wide eyes. Pretty Boy said his name was Nico. Nico. Pretty name to match the pretty face, Will thought, and Nico offered him the empty seat across the table.

They talked for a short while - about Will’s music, about the coffee shop, school - and Will found out that Nico was an english major at Will’s college, and yes, they did live in the same dorm building.

Will also discovered that Superman’s name was Jason, and not only was he Nico’s boyfriend (Will never actually asked if he was, but he was too afraid of the answer to do so, and thus continued assuming), they were also roommates. Great. Will now had a negative fifteen percent chance of ever dating Nico, ever.

They probably would’ve stayed longer, but the shop was closing up, and Nico was told to leave, while Will was told to clean up the “stage area.”

When Nico was gone and the sign on the door was flipped to closed, Will was immediately attacked by Lou Ellen, the night time barista on Tuesdays and Thursdays, in the form of intrusive questions.

Most of these questions were along the lines of: “What’s he like?” “What’d you talk about?” “Did you ask him out?” “Why not?” and the last one before Will was allowed to leave: “You like him, though, right?”

Will couldn’t keep a tiny smile off his face, a smile that Lou thought looked a little bit sad. “Yeah, I think I do.”

Nico, safely returned to his and Jason’s dorm, immediately walked from the door to the couch, landing face first in the cushions without any regard to whoever was in the room, or the fact that he hadn’t taken off his shoes or jacket.

When he groaned (awfully loudly, considering his mouth was shoved against fabric and cushion stuffing), questions rose from the people around him; people that didn’t live there, he might add.

“What’s up, Neeks?” Piper asked from somewhere in the room. Nico hadn’t seen where he was before he flopped down on the couch.

He moved his mouth just far enough away from the cushion to be understood when he said, “He’s nice.”

“Who’s nice?” asked Jason, the only other actual resident of the dorm.

“Why did he have to be nice?” Nico complained, ignoring his roommate’s question completely. “Why couldn’t he have been a douche? Why can’t he act like Leo? Then I wouldn’t have any problem ignoring his existence.”

“Bro!” came an indignant cry from the direction of the kitchen. If it had been anyone else (except maybe Percy) Nico probably would have apologized, but this was Leo, and he was probably taking their food again.

“Who’s nice?” Jason and Piper said together.

“Will! The coffee shop guitar guy,” Nico told him, aggressively flipping himself onto his back. “He’s smart, too, apparently. He’s pre-med. God, he’s going to be the hottest, nicest doctor in the world. He’s going to cure cancer by singing to people.”

“I’ve heard him, man,” Leo said, voice sounding much closer now, but Nico still couldn’t see him. “He’s not that great, average at best.” He squaked when Nico threw a pillow in his direction. “Bro, watch the food!”

Will wanted to talk to Nico again the next time he was at the coffee shop, but unlike the last time, Jason was there with him, and Will felt like he would’ve been intruding if he went over. So instead, he played his set and he thanked the audience and moved his things into the break room at the back of the shop.

He caught Nico’s eye, not that he’d meant to, but Nico smiled at him over Jason’s shoulder, and Will couldn’t help but smile back and wave a little bit.

(Lou had watched the exchange, and knew Will well enough at this point in their friendship to know that while Will’s smile looked a little tired to the outsider eye, she could tell there was quite a bit of sadness in it.)

(For just about the next month, actually, Lou was watching the same exchange over and over again. Whenever Nico was alone, Will would stay and talk with him, but the next night, each next night, Jason would be back, and Lou could see just how emotionally drained Will really was.)

(The manager of the shop had to talk to Will after a particularly mellow set one night about how if Will was wearing himself too thin between classes and homework and playing almost every night, that they could - and would - find someone else. Will had promised to fix up his sets and said he’d be taking his free drinks right before he went on from now on, and that seemed to appease the manager enough. Now, instead of being slow, tired, sad Will when he was onstage, he was suddenly almost angsty, and his songs were turning passive aggressive.)

Lou had taken matters into her own hands. The next time Jason came up to buy drinks for himself and Nico, Lou started up a conversation.

“So, Jason,” she began casually as she started on his drink, “you’re in here almost every night it seems.”

“Yeah, uh, my roommate really likes the music,” Jason answered.

“Roommate, huh?” Lou repeated. “Just that, nothing more?” She waggled her eyebrows at him as she handed him one of the drinks he’d ordered - just to make sure he got her gist.

Jason laughed a little bit, maybe just a tad uncomfortable talking to a complete stranger about this. “No, no, he’s uh, he’s got a thing for the singer,” Jason told her, tipping his head in the direction of the stage.

“Really?” Lou exclaimed, handing over the other drink - a hot chocolate for Nico. “Well, I happen to know for a fact that Will has a bit of a thing for your friend, as well. And hey, since you’re not stuck behind a counter for the rest of the night, maybe you can do something about that, huh?” With that, Lou turned to the next customer in line, leaving Jason to awkwardly shuffle for a second before returning to his table.

Looked like he was going to need to call in reinforcements.

“If you weren’t so stupid, I could have loved you,” Will sang as he strummed his guitar, tapping his foot to keep the beat as best he could. It took a lot of energy to focus on the song and not start scanning the audience for Nico - and Jason, most likely.

“Tell me what is his name now? What is his name, I’m excited to hear the news. Tell me what is his name now? And what does it say about you?”

Will messed up his strumming for a second, but thought that he’d probably recovered fast enough that nobody noticed. Will made the mistake of looking up again, just as Jason handed Nico a drink and sat down across from him. He watched - somehow managing to keep singing and strumming without fault - as Jason pulled out his phone. Nico was watching Will closely, and Will starting singing directly to him (as if he’d been singing to anyone else for the last month).

“If you made me a coffee, I could have loved you. And I’d make you hot chocolate, and anything you wanted.”

Will’s eyes dropped back to the frets, maintaining focus as his voice pitched to falsetto. “We’d adopt, we’d have dogs. I have all the things he’s got.”

“So let’s stop,” he froze, pausing for a couple of beats and keeping his eyes downcast. “Pretend, that there’ll be a happy end. Let’s not be friends, for sure.”

“We’d adopt, we’d have dogs, I have all the things he’s got. But I’m not.”

He stopped strumming, his foot ceased its tapping, and kept his eyes trained on the ground in front of him. He didn’t realized, until after a took a few breaths, how angry he felt, and only kicked himself out of his frozen state when he remembered that he was still sitting in front of an audience (who, mostly, weren’t even paying attention to him, honestly). He mumbled his usual thank you into the mic, and packed up his things before rushing, faster than usual to the break room in the back of the shop.

He didn’t look toward Nico for the usual sad-smile-and-pathetic-wave. (Which meant he missed Piper’s arrival. Which meant he missed the fact that Jason was very much in a relationship with this girl and not Nico. Which meant that he missed Nico’s usual bright smile and then unusual vaguely hurt and confused stare as his eyes followed Will and stayed on the firmly shut door that separated them.)

(When Will didn’t come out for another ten minutes, Nico stood abruptly from the table and went to the tip jar sitting by the cash register. He grabbed a napkin and borrowed a pen from Lou and scribbled out a note. He fished out his wallet and took whatever money he could find - a twenty dollar bill - and crumpled it around the note to make sure the two stayed together. He put the two in the jar, left the pen on the counter, went back to the table to grab his jacket, and was gone before Jason or Piper could react.)

Will hadn’t come out of the break room until the shop was closed and everyone besides Lou was gone. He helped clean up, and as Lou counted the register, Will took his tip jar to the closest table to count his earnings for the night.

There were a lot of ones, a lot of coins, the usual, though he was surprised to see a crumpled up twenty lying in the bottom amongst the coins. He started to flatten out the bill, only to notice a note folded up inside.

Will took out the note, smoothing out the creases and reading the unfamiliar writing.

“Will,” it started. “Are you upset? Did I do something wrong? Please talk to me so I can know what I did to make you look so angry. - Nico”

“Shit,” Will breathed, slamming the heels of his palms into his eyes.

“What’s wrong?” Lou asked, still mostly focused on the register.

“He thinks I’m mad at him,” Will moaned. “Lou, he probably thinks I hate him, what do I do?”

Lou’s head snapped up from the money before her. “What, you mean Nico? What do you mean? I thought he gave you his number! I mean, he looked kind of upset, but I thought that was just because he was sick of waiting for you to make a move!”

“He thinks he did something wrong.” Will couldn’t breathe. He felt like his ribs were broken. “How do I fix this?”

“He didn’t leave you a number?” Lou asked. “You live close, right? Do you know which room is his?”

“Even if I did,” Will started, “he lives with Jason.”

Suddenly, Lou was there with a calming hand on Will’s shoulder. “Will, hun, you know they’re not dating, right?”

“Of course they are, Lou, they’ve lived together since freshman year, Jason’s always with him, Nico talks about him all the time.”

“So, you didn’t see Jason’s girlfriend here earlier, then?”

“What?” Will’s head snapped up from his hands.

“Jason’s girlfriend. I think I heard that her name’s Piper?” Lou told him. “Very pretty. Very tan. Her eyes were like kaleidoscopes.”

“Lou,” Will started, but Lou snapped, “What, you’re the only one here allowed to be super gay?”

“That’s not what I’m saying,” Will argued. “I’m saying, how could you not tell me sooner?”

“That I’m hella gay? C’mon, you knew that.”

“Not that!” Will shouted. “How could you not tell me earlier that Jason had a girlfriend?”

“What, I’m just supposed to shout across the room that Pretty Boy and Superman weren’t dating? I found out in the middle of your set, idiot, otherwise I would’ve told you sooner.”

Will sighed, head dropping back into his hands. “I’m sorry, Lou. But what am I supposed to do now? He probably hates me.”

Lou read over the note still sitting on the table. “Well, if he wants to talk to you about it, then I think he probably doesn’t hate you.”

“But how do I find him? What do I say?”

“Ask your RA if they know where he lives. Start there. Apologize, confess your love, hope he doesn’t turn you down.”

Will whined into his hands.

“C’mon, loser, I gotta close up and you gotta study for that test tomorrow.”

Turned out, Will didn’t need to find his RA to track down Nico. He was sitting outside Will’s dorm when he came around the corner.

Nico jumped to his feet as soon as he saw Will. “What did I do?”

“How did you know where I live?” Will asked instead of answering.

“Will, what did I do to make you mad at me?” Nico pleaded, and Will didn’t know how much more of this he would be able to take.

“Come inside,” he said instead.

They sat on the couch, as far away from each other as possible.

“What do you want from me?” Will asked, and cringed at his own words.

“What do I-- What do you mean?” Nico seemed like he was getting angry. “I want to know what I did.”

“Two weeks ago,” Will tried again. “What did you want from me two weeks ago? Or yesterday, even, what did you get out of talking to me?”

Nico hesitated. “I don’t understand. Was it not clear that I liked you, Will? Did you not get that I wanted to get to know you?”

Will nodded, eyes on the empty space between them. “Wanted to. Do you still want to?”

“If I didn’t, then why would I be here? I have class in the morning, you know,” Nico said. “I don’t have to be here, trying to figure this-- Whatever this is, out. I could just go home--”

“To Jason, yeah,” Will said, and the second the words were out of his mouth, Will put his head in his hands. “I’m sorry, Nico, I’m so sorry. I’m an idiot. I thought, since he was always there with you, I thought you and Jason were together. I thought that all those times you talked to me, you were just being nice, making friends, whatever. God, you have no idea, Nico. I’ve liked you for so long. Sometimes, I couldn’t keep my eyes off you when I was playing, and you made me mess up so many times because I was looking at you and not the guitar. You’ve never done anything wrong, and you should never think that, and I’m so sorry that you did.”

Everything was silent for a moment, and Will didn’t think he was breathing. He would’ve heard it if he was, right?

“The first night, Jason dragged me there because I wouldn’t leave the apartment unless it was for class,” Nico said quietly. “And I saw you, and then it was me dragging Jason out so often. Eventually he started ditching me because his girlfriend was getting jealous. He never thought to just invite her, too. I guess he should’ve. But... She was there tonight, didn’t you see her? Or, no, you wouldn’t have, because you wouldn’t even look in my direction.”

“I’m so sorry,” Will whispered. Nico’s words were like a punch to the gut and a slap in the face at the same time. “Please, is there any way that you can forgive me? For all of this?”

Will finally pulled his hands away when he heard Nico hum in thought. Nico’s head was tipped against the back of the couch, eyes glancing somewhere off to the side, unfocused, and he had the faintest smile on his lips.

“I’ve been buying Jason coffee for a month now,” Nico said. “I think I’d let somebody else buy me coffee for a change.”

buy me a coffee

[ellanainthetardis]

A much needed discussion in the Snow’s aftermarth today! I hope you like it! Please, let me know!

[ff] or [ao3]

Chapter 37 : The Worst Word

The roof was the same and yet something felt off.

Everything felt off, really.

He had lasted five minutes in the penthouse, time enough to check that the bar cart was still liquor free. The familiarity of the place felt displaced. The same but different. Difficult to explain, impossible to apprehend and fucking terrifying.

His heart was still missing a beat now and then before racing to catch up, consequence of Snow’s visit. It might have been easier if Peeta hadn’t remained locked in his room. Maybe. He wasn’t sure. Being confronted to the boy and his failed broken promise didn’t do anything for him but knowing the boy was in pain because of him…

His train of thoughts came to a stop when the door opened and he looked up from where he was sitting with his back against the low wall. Effie’s face was a blank mask of content happiness that he knew better than to believe, he looked away before she could make eye contact, fighting against a new wave of shame.

Snow might as well have cut his balls and made him eat them in front of her.

Fucking bruised pride.

It should have been the last of his worries but going head to head with the President had made him annoyingly clear-headed.

“How are you?” she asked, glancing over the wall at the Capitol beneath. He didn’t know how he felt about the surrounding noises of cars engines, horns, people talking, walking, breathing… On one hand, it was an aggression. On the other, it drowned his thoughts and that wasn’t a bad thing.

“Peachy.” he muttered, bumping his head against the wall once, as if to better convince himself.

“Haymitch.” she rebuked. A reminder that they were alone and he didn’t need to pretend, he figured.

He closed his eyes, forcing a fake levity to his voice. “Like I was tossed in a locked room with a bunch of friends I was forced to murder?”

It fell flat. So flat.

He swallowed hard, not looking when she lowered herself to the ground next to him in a puff of pink fabric. He felt her hand on his arm, light, and he made a conscious effort not to flinch or shrug it off. He felt wary of people violating his personal space. He felt… On edge. And he wanted a weapon, his weapon but the thought of asking for the knife that had killed Chaff…

He let out a small sigh. “You know, sweetheart, I can’t believe you didn’t make sure the bar would be stocked. Expected better of you.”

It wasn’t exactly a joke, more of a warning. He wasn’t remaining sober. Not if he could help it.

She snorted, a touch bitter but not quite surprised. “I need you sharp a little while longer.”

“I guess.” he sighed again. He felt her wriggle next to him and he opened his eyes to see her pull out a battered cigarette packet and a lighter from very well hidden pockets. The lighter wasn’t the silver one Finnick had gifted her with but a cheap plastic white one branded with the logo of a popular club downtown. He didn’t ask why the change. He could guess. He snatched a cigarette from the packet without waiting to be offered. If he couldn’t drink, he would take what he could get. “How many of those did you smoke while I was gone?”

She let out a chuckle and lit his cigarette before doing the same for the one she had wedged between her red painted lips. She took a drag and blew out the smoke slowly before giving him a small shrug. “Enough that we can stop pretending it is simply stress-smoking, I suppose.” She waved the lighter dismissively. “I will quit again. Eventually.”

He breathed in the smell of cigarette, letting it invade everything. It was better than imagining coal dust or remembering pure outdoor air. The city might be just what he needed after all. Polluted air that nobody would have accused of being fresh… No risk of confusing his surroundings for an arena.

He stared at the red glow of the cigarette as it consumed itself between his quivering fingers.

“How’s the boy doing?” he asked after a few minutes.

She took her sweet time answering that, debating what to say and what to keep silent to spare his feelings.

“Right now, he is upset.” she said slowly. “He had not realized… He never thought you would not want to go back to Twelve. I do not think he truly thought about the… nature of the arena.”

“Did you?” he retorted. It surprised him a little that she seemed to have grasped the problem before he had even voiced it. But, then again, it wasn’t her first rodeo either.

“As soon as they unveiled it.” she confessed, taking a nervous drag. Her fingers weren’t that steady either. “I heard through the grapevine this particular arena was a last minute decision. It was in the work somewhere, of course, it takes years to build them as you know, but… They had another one in mind for the Quell until a few months ago. Perhaps there were some malfunctions…”

“Sure.” he scoffed. “Malfunctions.” Or the possibility that Heavensbee had babbled about it to the rebels – or to some victors. “Sent a clear message though, yeah?”

“Rather, yes. For those of us who knew how to read between the lines, at least. And I suppose the Districts saw it clearly for what it was too.” she admitted. “This Quell was a hit. The ratings have never been higher.”

“Awesome.” he deadpanned, flicking ashes away. “I’m guessing I wasn’t the popular choice, though.”

“You would be mistaken, then.” she countered carefully. “Cashmere was the clear favorite on the betting boards but… After Katniss… People were rooting for you.”

It made it worse somehow.

“How much do they want a piece of our asses?” Those were important questions, he told himself. Those were the questions he would need the answers to if he wanted to play the game. The red glow of the cigarette was coming dangerously close to his skin but he brought it to his lips anyway, not quite sure if he wanted to get burned or if he was desperate for the reassuring pattern smoking involved: bring it to his mouth, breathe in, take it away, breathe out, flick ash, repeat. No room for intrusive memories.

Effie crushed the bud of her own cigarette against the ground and then tossed it away. “For now, Peeta is safe because of Katniss but I would advise on sending him back to Twelve as soon as possible. He is grieving, we can use that excuse.”

He nodded once to show his approbation of this plan. Sending the boy away would solve more than one problem. He wouldn’t have to face his failure every day for starter. “And us?”

They had been lucky the previous year because anyone with common sense had put two and two together, had realized it equaled poisonous berries and hadn’t really tried to grab anyone from the winning team. They wouldn’t be that lucky this time around, he suspected. Effie would be the escort of the season and he was the current victor. They were both attractive enough. The conclusion wasn’t a leap.

“I won’t be an escort much longer. I can navigate through that.” she hummed. “You… Well, victors your age are usually solicited for the whole package. They want the pretence of a romance not just sex… If we came out… It would go a long way into removing both of us from the playing field.”

Her voice was tentative. It wasn’t difficult to understand why. He had never reacted well to any mention of their relationship before the morning of the Quell’s Reaping, before he had thought… She was wary and she had reasons to be, he figured.

“We need to go public.” he stated, crushing the bud of his cigarette under his boot. “Snow’s counting on it now.”

She frowned. “I fail to see…”

“Oh, come on, Princess.” he scowled. “A victor and an escort falling in love? It shows the Districts you’re not all that bad, that there’s good there… Why do you think he was so ready to let me stay?” Besides the fact it was smarter to keep Haymitch close where he could watch him. He shook his head. “Never mind me being in love with an escort. I fucking won two Quells. I’m the fucking Districts' champion.”

All that talk of being in love made something flash on her face, something like awe and longing, but it was gone under a well crafted mask of blankness before he could try to analyze it.

“He was very clear about our marriage being…” she argued.

“Yeah, let’s never talk about what happened earlier ever again, okay?” he cut her off, getting to his feet with less grace than he would have liked. He paced the length of the roof, wrapping his good arm around his aching chest. “Marriage is something else. It’s too much. It sets a precedent he doesn’t want. I don’t have the same rights you do. I’m a victor, yeah, but legally that’s still a far shot from a Capitol citizen. Being together is one thing… Good for country unity… Advertising us as equal… Totally another, Princess.”

He paced back and forth. From the edge of the roof to the door. Again and again, finding some comfort in the repetitive pattern. Wasn’t that the first sign of insanity or something?

“It is more than I ever expected.” she whispered.

He kept on pacing, licking his lips.

It was more than he had ever expected too. They had gone from the best they could get being a few weeks a year to the possibility of a life together.

He thought it was a trap, a life insurance.

Because once he got that life, they would have to pry it away from his cold dead hands.

“You can still back out.” he offered.

He couldn’t do any of it alone, that much was clear to him, but he wouldn’t condemn her to share his prison. She could come willingly or…

“Are you moving in with me or are you staying in the penthouse?” she asked, as if she hadn’t heard him at all. “Nobody said you had to stay in the penthouse and if we do come out as a couple, there is no reason to expect you wouldn’t live with me. Brutus was renting a flat when he spent months in the city… It isn’t unprecedented for a victor not to reside at the Center. We should be living together, I think. We have been sleeping together for so long… I am ready for the next step. Aren’t you?”

She sounded so serious, it stopped his frantic pacing. He stood there, one arm around his chest, the other hanging limply by his side, watching the small crease between her eyebrows that meant she was deep in thought.

“My apartment is big enough, I suppose… Although perhaps we should look for something a little roomier in time. There are darling houses on the market near Main Square…” she hummed. “My father might even own a few, who knows… He is always buying and selling properties… I shall ask. And…”

“Snow threatened to kill you and you want to go house hunting?” he spat, cutting her off. She looked up at him, startled by the words.

“I thought we just agreed to never talk about it again?” she winced. She fished another cigarette and lit it, betraying just how unsettled on the issue she really was.

Haymitch’s hands were shaking badly and he bundled the one she could see in a fist.

“He wants to kill you. Because of me.” he growled. “Because I…”

His voice trailed off.

“Because you love me.” she supplied calmly. The only tell of nervousness was her trembling fingers when she brought the cigarette to her lips. “It had nothing to do with what happened before the Quell, you realize. Everyone in the business knows we are lovers. It was only a matter of time… It is as much my fault as yours.”

“He was going to kill you…” he said again and it sounded almost pleading. He didn’t know what he was begging her for. Common sense? For her to run and not look back because he would end up getting her murdered and it was more than he could bear? “He was going to…”

“You stopped him.” she said softly.

His cheeks flushed crimson with embarrassment and he turned away from her, walked straight to the wall and rested his elbows on the edge, wondering what it would be like to fall down, to… He closed his eyes. Not like it was even a possibility with the force field in place…

The mix of tobacco and perfume reached his nose before he felt her presence at his back. He flinched when she placed her hand on his shoulder and he wondered if that instinctive reaction would ever stop, tried to remember when it had stopped last time…

“You do not want to talk about earlier because you thought it was weak, that you were weak…” she whispered and he bodily shuddered in mortification. Give him a good lashing on a public square every day rather than this. At least he could still somehow get out of it with his dignity intact, with… She pressed herself against his back, not hard enough that he felt trapped, just enough that he could feel her warmth… “I thought I never saw you stronger.” He scoffed at that but she didn’t let herself be distracted. “What you did… What he made you do… It was meant to be humiliating and I understand why you feel that way, I do… But Haymitch… How can I find it anything but strong when you accepted it for me? When you went through that for me?”

He took a few deep breaths, doubting he would ever see it that way.

“Seems like I do a lot of stupid shit for you.” he muttered.

And that wasn’t him. He wasn’t the fool who did stuff out of love. He wasn’t the hero in those romance stories she liked so much who ended up defying the odds just so he could get the hot smut scene at the end of the book. He wasn’t the guy who risked it all for the girl. Was he?

“I really wanted Katniss to win.” he said just to hear it out loud, just to remind them that this hadn’t been the plan and that no part of them, none at all, should be happy at the perspective of being granted a life together. It wasn’t right.

“We all did, darling.” she promised. She leaned a little more against him, seeking comfort maybe. “We couldn’t do anything… When it happened… We knew what Johanna was planning and we couldn’t do anything… There was some money left and Peeta kept telling me we should send something, find a way to warn you, but I knew… I knew it would be too late. I knew by the time we contacted the Gamemakers and requested a parachute… I knew we had lost. It was one of those times, you know?”

“Yeah.” he sighed.

After a few Games… There were patterns. Victors with a sound brain and a few of the escorts eventually became experts in the art of predicting what would happen in which time frame. And, he figured, everyone who had been involved in the Games for long enough knew those moments when they came: the moment of clarity when you realized that, as a mentor, as someone sitting outside the arena, you were powerless to help the tribute about to meet his death on the screen. And there was nothing but grim acceptance in those moments because there was nothing else to do but watch and admit that you had lost.

“Johanna pushed the tree, it went down, Katniss screamed, you tried to step aside…” she whispered. “It is all so clear in my mind… I couldn’t watch the live feed, I could only stare at your monitor, at your heartbeat, at…” She took a deep breath. “You didn’t die and my heart soared and then… Then I realized Peeta had gone white, I realized Katniss’ monitor had shut down…” She shook her head. “I didn’t even reach for him. I couldn’t. You attacked Johanna and…”

“And I beat her to death?” he finished, feeling sick to the stomach at the memories her words were bringing back. He didn’t want to face those memories. He didn’t want to think about… He glanced down at his right hand, not surprised to see a fist but surprised that it was free of blood. Not even a scratch on his knuckles. The doctors had seen to that.

Effie sneaked an arm around his waist, buried her face between his shoulder blades. “I have never been as grateful to Chaff as I was when he came for you. I… I feel so sorry for all I said to him, about him, all those years…”

“Chaff was an idiot.” he snapped, pain and anger mixing in his voice. He wanted to shrug her off and storm out, away, but he was rooted to the spot. It was a curious paradox: the need to be alone to lick his wounds battling with the desperate craving he felt for her. He bowed, letting his shoulders slouch under the weight of it all. “He rigged it, you know. He let me win. Idiot. Fucking idiot…” He shook his head, unable to keep the edge off his voice, unable to bear it even as her arm tightened around him as if to anchor him. “What did he do it for? He had a sister, people… Why would he go and…”

His voice broke and he left that sentence unfinished.

It was a long time before she ventured a guess, sounding far too knowing for someone who had never seen eye to eye with his best friend. “He knew he was dying.”

“Bullshit.” he snarled. “All he had to do was win. They’d have fixed him. The fuck did he have to go and make me win for?”

She was very careful when she spoke next. “Has it occurred to you… What Katniss was to you, what Finnick was to Mags… Has it occurred to you that you were that to Chaff?”

“Don’t be stupid.” he sneered.

“Am I being stupid?” she hummed. “He was your mentor, wasn’t he? Perhaps not officially but… You told me enough times that you felt you owed him. He was very protective of you… Why, I lost count of all the lectures he gave me.”

“Lectures?” he frowned.

“He thought I would break your heart.” she sighed. “Either by ending up dead or by leaving you. I never wanted to listen.”

He snorted because he could perfectly imagine it. Chaff trying to threaten her into being sensible…

“Never did either.” he admitted, covering her hand with his. And he couldn’t say he regretted it. Not really. He rubbed his face with his free hand. “I’m tired.”

“You should rest, take a nap.” she suggested gently. “Mr Harwyn and Maya are coming to dinner tonight. It will be nice to have the whole team together before the Crowning, won’t it?”

“Almost the whole team.” he corrected absent-mindedly.

“Yes.” she lamented. “Almost.”

Almost was the worst word that ever was, he decided.

[the-next-miss-american-trash]

Um I don't really know what I need right now, other than to vent and to get out of this situation, but im feeling really vulnerable right now? Let's just call this the summary of my week. Put under a read more because it's lengthy

Tw for some heavy stuff, like sui ideation.

My life is on mobile- which is a sentence that in and of itself is a sign of internet addiction but moving on- and as some of my friends know I had my phones taken away from me. On christmas night, I was enjoying a game with my friends when I'm told that my family that they want to start unwrapping presents. I ask them to give me moment- as I don't like leaving my friends without giving a proper goodbye. However, my mother comes in demanding I get off, but I'm almost done so I tell her to wait. In her hissyfit she goes to turn off the WiFi in which I have to rush to get off. It's too late tho, so I stare at my screen, defeated.

*In my lifetime, as a form of "punishment", my mother would take my phone or turn off the wifi, even if I was in the middle of doing something. An unjust punishment. This would happen in the darkest parts of my life, and is literally a trigger of mine.

I immediately shut down- a trauma response from all the abuse I received (which they would argue to hell and back that it isn't)- and refuse to go out to participate. She shrugs it off and leaves. I break down, all my negative emotions and intrusive thoughts now let free. To add salt to the wound, they loudly proclaim how it's a shame I don't want to participate- as if I want to spend any fucking time with those bitches. So to get away from it, I hop out the window and go sit on a chair outside. It takes a while until someone finally takes notice, and even longer until someone comes out- that someone being my bitch of a mother. I absolutely despise her, and refuse to talk to her, so she takes the phone I'm playing on and goes back in. In trying to calm down, I try to vent what's happening using my other phone, and decide to go inside because it's cold as shit outside. But then in comes the bitch again and decides that i cant have that one either and takes it.

I absolutely lose it. Literally lose it. This is the beginning of my mental breakdown. My whole life is on that phone: my only connection to friends, where i draw, my entertainment, my comfort, my outlet for these bad feelings and emotions. I'm screaming, I'm crying, I'm begging not to take my friends away, the only people who care for me. But she's a bitch, and who would give their toy back to a baby having a tantrum. My older sister comes in and tries to calm me down- which works at first- but she's going on and on about how she's a "loving" mother who "cares", that she's only trying to "help". But I literally harbor so much hate for her that it doesn't help for shit.

*My mother is cause for a lot of my trauma, as is my father but in a different way. This is specifically on her right now, as she continues the abusive childish behavior and has never once apologized or actually been "sorry".

My older sister continues, "consoling" me by telling me I should open up to them and give them a chance but the anger just builds inside of me because who would ever in their right mind speak with their abusers. They're literally the type of parents to deflect that they're abusive, that "at least they haven't thrown me out of the house"- WHICH MY MOTHER HAS DONE BEFORE. She beat me and dragged me out to the car to take me to a homeless shelter before having "a change of heart" where she never apologized and I DID. For NO fucking reason. So I break down some more because THEN she- exactly as my mother was saying- kept trying to demean my online friends, saying they aren't real and aren't affectionate and "can't help me the way they do" because they "didn't raise me" and OTHER BULLSHIT LIKE THAT. And because I hate my family so much, my friends are my life, and so I was pissed to all hell. No one devalues my friends. Some other shit was said that is already blocked from my memory, but then my sister just gets pissed off too and adds to my bad thoughts, agreeing to all the self deprecating shit I'm telling myself and I break down again, telling her to leave. Which like a bitch she doesn't so I have to escape to the bathroom until she did leave.

So I’m back at rock bottom, all my efforts to be emotionally and mentally healthy down the gutter. In a last ditch effort, I try to collect myself and explain that I’m not ready to talk to them, but that I needed my phone so I could at least talk to someone. I get refused over and over and I break down again, having lost my will to live. I’m desperate to kill myself, the only thing stopping me is my love for my friends and s.o. So instead? I try to run away. I grab what little I owned- an id, mask, a gift- and leave. With a passive aggressive joke from my dad to add salt to the wound. There’s no hesitation in walking off the property and heading down the street, and I’m kept warm by the cloak my friend gave me. I’m trying to think about where to go that would be safe, tears sobbing. But 20 minutes out, fear overcomes me and I fucking turn back around, knowing full well I’m coming back to an abusive, toxic household and that I have to live with until I do something about it. Which I’ve been trying to.

Since forever ago I’ve been trying to force myself to get a job, but my crippling social anxiety and a self esteem deeper than the dead keep me from doing so. I’m practically worthless. I’m a parasite to my own family- their words. I’m too scared to accept help because it’s instilled in me that “if I don’t want to save myself, who could”, and “I have to do things myself because I’m a fucking adult now”. I just can’t do it. I’ve never been able to do it. Same with school; my depression is also tied in with school and I had dropped my classes in college before I even got the chance to overcome my depression. I thought I had been doing fine but I’m not. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Like I know I’ve resolved none of my problems, but even when I am stable, I still can’t bring myself to do things that everybody else can. And now I’m being driven mad because I have to get online in secret, check in in secret. I can’t actively socialize, I can’t express myself, I can’t do any of my hobbies. I miss my friends. I miss feeling okay. I’m scared, because I just feel like a zombie, forbidding myself to emote or else I’ll fall deeper into the hole and actually kill myself. I’m sorry. But you all deserve so much better than me and what I can give.

[logh-icebergs]

Episode 8: Cold Cybernetic Eyes

Summer 796/487. The Empire reels in the aftermath of Yang’s successful takeover of Iserlohn, opening up opportunities for Reinhard. The sinister Oberstein, having escaped from Iserlohn by the skin of his teeth, makes a proposal to Reinhard. Despite Kircheis’s trepidations, Reinhard accepts, and trades favors with the Kaiser: Instead of occupying one of three newly empty seats at the head of government (abandoned for reasons of dishonor following Iserlohn’s defeat), all Reinhard wants is for Oberstein to be pardoned for his desertion, freeing him up to be Reinhard’s new staff officer. Finally, Kircheis has a flashback that’s so romantic he surely would rather we had stayed out of his head for once. Sorry for the intrusion, Kircheis!

Oberstein

Oberstein is the most fun to have at parties.

In her episode 7 post, Rebecca introduced us to Oberstein’s cold pragmatism as it applies to matters of war. In episode 8, we learn how this aspect of Oberstein’s personality (to the extent that he has one) reacts when exposed to something that can’t be reasoned with: love.

Oberstein, it turns out, has goals. Having grown up with a congenital disability in a society founded on violently ableist principles—as Oberstein explains, the first kaiser of the Goldenbaum Empire would have had him killed at birth—he has a perfectly rational desire for treasonous revenge on a large scale. I’m serious: I’ve made it pretty clear that I can’t stand Oberstein, but his ambitions are noble. Problems arise, however, when he starts going after those noble ambitions, because Oberstein is seemingly only capable of acting in the most Machiavellian way imaginable, at all times.

But I’m getting ahead of myself. Following his desertion from Iserlohn, Oberstein arrives in Reinhard’s office and asks to speak to him alone. When Reinhard counters that they already are alone, despite Kircheis’s presence, Oberstein doesn’t let the matter drop. This leads to the following telling exchange:

Of course Reinhard and Kircheis aren’t equals in military rank, so Reinhard is talking about something different here. Or, he’s talking around it—but in a way where he knows Oberstein knows exactly what it is he’s talking around.

This has always struck me as being reminiscent of “spousal privilege”—Reinhard is telling Oberstein that he keeps nothing from Kircheis, and will not agree to keep anything from him. Also, Bratty Reinhard is my fav.

A quick and only sort of relevant note on Reinhard’s language here: Like the conversation between Rubinsky and his aide in episode 5, Reinhard uses ambiguity here as a cloak that works both in-universe and on a meta level, directed at the viewer. He never says “Kircheis and I are romantic partners”—that would be unacceptable in the homophobic Goldenbaum Empire (we learn later that gay people were another demographic “cleansed” by the founding Kaiser), and would prevent LoGH itself from continuing to “pass” as heteronormative.

But the frank, almost confrontational way Reinhard acknowledges the subject (“Don’t you know that?”) and his aggressively casual body language suggest that he’s just on the edge of saying it explicitly, and knows he’s taking a risk by riding that line. He also knows he’s powerful enough to take this kind of risk—albeit in a carefully measured way. This whole conversation is an amazing Gay Power Play and I love it.

Anyway, back to Oberstein, who absolutely does not understand why Reinhard would ever unfairly privilege one person over another in the workplace:

Oberstein does not experience a full range of emotion—it’s part of what makes him such a good strategist, because he can easily see the most efficient path to whatever outcome will result in fewer lives lost. His vision isn’t clouded by complicated factors like emotional attachment or personal bias. He sees people as numbers: More talented people (and here “talented” is defined as someone who is instrumental for Oberstein’s Most Efficient Path) are worth more, but generally speaking one person is just as valuable as another. 100 people dead is worse than 1 person dead, with exceptions made only, again, for talent that can be put to utilitarian use.

And, as I’ll be saying a lot, Oberstein is kind of right, strictly in an amoral sense. But most of us, like Reinhard, don’t think that way. We all have people who mean more to us than what Oberstein would decide they’re “worth.” And this is why Reinhard’s relationship with Kircheis—in and out of the workplace—completely baffles Oberstein.

And make no mistake: Oberstein is totally right that Reinhard plays favorites with Kircheis. Of course he does! They’re boyfriends!

When it comes to Kircheis, Reinhard doesn’t act rationally. Sure, we know that Kircheis is incredibly talented, but his talent isn’t why Reinhard keeps him at his side and prioritizes him over his many other more-accomplished admirals. Reinhard does this because he loves him. Along with that love comes implicit trust—Reinhard knows there’s literally nothing Oberstein could tell him that he would feel unable to share with Kircheis—and a desire to be close. Like Kircheis’s decision to follow Reinhard into the military, Reinhard could give any number of well-reasoned arguments for why he grants Kircheis special privileges, if he felt like it. (And he doesn’t ever feel like it.) But the real reason Reinhard does this is because he wants to. It can’t be explained with logic, which means Oberstein can’t explain it. And that really gets under his skin.

Reinhard and Kircheis

Kircheis is not happy about Reinhard’s decision to hire Oberstein. He is not happy AT ALL.

This gif breaks my heart but I can’t stop watching it; please send help.

It makes sense: In many regards, Kircheis and Oberstein are opposites. Oberstein doesn’t understand the concept of one person being of particular, sentimental value; Kircheis has built his entire life around devotion to one person, for sentimental reasons. Oberstein believes that ends can always justify the means; Kircheis feels guilt over every death that results from his actions, however indirectly. That said, Kircheis’s moral compass is far from entirely steady: Reinhard’s well-being and continued success matter more to him than almost anything else—Kircheis kills for Reinhard on the battlefield, and has been nonjudgmentally covering for his more morally questionable decisions since childhood. Oberstein, who would never make exceptions like that, might as well be a different species.

But Reinhard needs Oberstein, or he thinks he does, partly because Kircheis could never orchestrate the sorts of devious plans that come naturally to Oberstein—and that Reinhard is convinced will be necessary in order to conquer the universe.

I’d bet money that what Reinhard stops himself from saying here is something to the effect of “I need someone who’s willing to do things you would/could never do.”

And regardless of Reinhard’s intentions, he has clearly driven a wedge between himself and Kircheis. It’s frustrating to watch because, given Kircheis’s moral relativity, he would probably come around on Reinhard’s reasoning if given the chance. But just like he sees Annerose as more powerful than she actually is, Reinhard sees Kircheis as softer than he actually is. I think Reinhard’s instinct here is to protect Kircheis from the darker side of the task they’ve set for themselves, and also, of course, to hide an aspect of himself that he worries Kircheis would find distasteful, or disappointing.

This last bit is especially sad, because as should be obvious by now, Kircheis doesn’t love Reinhard despite his flaws: He just loves Reinhard. If only Reinhard had more faith in that fact.

Poor Reinhard.

Kircheis leaves Reinhard alone with his excellent wine and almost fails to stomach a perfunctory salute in Oberstein’s direction as Oberstein quite literally replaces him in Reinhard’s office. If Kircheis feels jealousy here (another irrational emotion!), and the framing of this scene certainly suggests that he does, it’s because Oberstein is obviously fulfilling some need of Reinhard’s that Kircheis is unable to, at least to Reinhard’s mind. My guess, however, is that Kircheis’s predominant feeling here is simply one of foreboding: Reinhard cutting himself off from Kircheis even a little is a new thing for them (see the “spousal privilege” moment above), and Kircheis, as I’ve covered at length, really fucking HATES OBERSTEIN.

No, the relationship between Reinhard and Oberstein never becomes romantic, so please put that cursed thought out of your mind before I do it for you.

And with that, we’re back in another of Kircheis’s flashbacks, this time with a generous helping of lube smeared directly on the camera, courtesy of the DVD remasters. Thanks for that, remasterers, really...

The Teen Years

This flashback is basically just one scene, but it’s incredibly dense, and incredibly gay. Let’s dive in.

On their way back from a visit to Annerose, a 15/16-year-old Reinhard and Kircheis run into a rapist (of noble birth) threatening a young woman (a commoner) in a back alley. Reinhard attempts to bash the rapist’s head in before Kircheis can grab his hand and drag him a safe distance away from the scene where, like before, they tumble down a hill together.

One thing to keep an eye on (ha) throughout this flashback is Kircheis’s gaze. In my episode 4 post, I talked about how drawn Kircheis is to Reinhard, and that’s on full display here.

Reinhard and Kircheis proceed to have a conversation that is ostensibly about corruption in the Goldenbaum Empire—specifically, in an echo of Oberstein’s purported reasons for wanting to overthrow the Empire five-ish years later, Reinhard’s hatred of the fact that some people are valued more highly than others just because of how they were born. But, like so much in LoGH, there’s a lot more going on here than the surface-level reading.

I love Reinhard’s open, vulnerable expression here. It’s something we almost never see, but when we do, it’s always directed at Kircheis.

For the duration of this scene, all of Reinhard and Kircheis’s movements and facial expressions are unambiguously romantic. So is the cinematography and, frankly, so are most of the words. In fact, if you want to try a fun exercise, go through and mentally replace every mention of overthrowing the Empire with “I’m gay.” Literally nothing else has to change for it to make sense—up to and including Reinhard’s frustration with imperial narrow-mindedness.

Here the camera, which has been claustrophobically tight on Reinhard and Kircheis’s faces, zooms out momentarily to show us how close they’re sitting to one another, and how unnecessary that is in such an open space.

Reinhard and Kircheis are sitting practically on top of each other, leaning their faces in close, and talking in hushed and urgent tones about subjects that have been forbidden by the society in which they live. Reinhard is talking explicitly about the fact that he wants to transgress against these societal constraints; Kircheis is terrified of getting caught having this conversation, but never disagrees with Reinhard, only leans in further, excited. This is such a classic “coming out” scene it’s almost cliché.

This shot of Reinhard and Kircheis leaning in for what is almost a kiss still takes my breath away every time I see it. Kircheis doesn’t even bother to close his mouth, the poor thing.

But even though this flashback is practically screaming its queer subtext into a megaphone, it’s still a bit more complicated than some of the other scenes we’ve excavated for hidden nuance, because the surface reading isn’t incorrect, it’s just incomplete. Reinhard, after all, really does want to overthrow the Empire; that’s not just code for “I’m gay.” The intimate body language and double-entendres don’t invalidate a superficial interpretation of the scene, they just build on it.

In a way, we’re watching two conversations: one literal, about overthrowing the Empire; and one metaphorical, about Reinhard’s sexuality and—more obliquely—Kircheis’s as well. It’s a very economical use of airtime.

It’s also worth noting a key difference between this scene and its earlier parallel in episode 4, which has to do with someone whose name hasn’t come up in a while: Annerose. Actually, it’s the fact that her name hasn’t come up in a while that differentiates this scene from the other one. When Reinhard originally invited Kircheis to come with him to military school, he said it was to gain enough power to rescue Annerose, and Kircheis thought about Annerose’s request to him before he agreed to go. Now, five or so years later, despite literally just having come from a visit to Annerose in her place of captivity, neither boy brings her up even once during what is basically an evolution of the same conversation.

At 15 or 16, Kircheis is a lot more sure of himself and his desires than he was at 10. There’s no question in his mind, at least, about why and for whom he is continuing to follow Reinhard. He still does a mental check-in with himself before taking Reinhard’s offered hand, but the only voice he listens to this time is his own.

Even without the knowledge that eventually this stance is used to signify romance between at least one other (hetero) couple in LoGH, this cross-body handhold only just barely passes as straight.

So, given the physical intimacy and emotional vulnerability and double-entendres pervasive throughout this flashback, what actually happened that night, in addition to a conversation about treason? My read is that Reinhard and Kircheis consummated their relationship in some way that was a lot less symbolic than what we saw. Every detail of this flashback is conveying to us that we're seeing the night of their first kiss, and this is LoGH, so trust those details. They kissed (at least).

That he’s actually remembering their first kiss explains the moment above, when Kircheis comes out of his reverie and uses unapologetically romantic language that is mirrored, unsubtly, in the cinematography.

And so we return to a less blissful present, where Reinhard and Kircheis, five years later, are still looking up at the stars, but not together.

Stray Tidbits

I have no idea why this random-ass scene is so beautiful, but I’m not complaining.

Worldbuilding note: At the beginning of episode 8, we actually get some straightforward backstory about the origins of the Empire and the Alliance. So here's some exciting new information: The first year in the Alliance's calendar was in our 2801. That means *does some calculations* episode 8 takes place in 3597, apparently. Damn!

[grizzlefur]

WWEm - Too Much Shit For One Man to Kick

In which Emma’s heart grows three sizes.

Broadcast date: Monday 4/Tuesday 5 September 2017

Now that I've torn myself away from the combination of Destiny 2 and trying to fix my phone, it's time for MONDAY AFTERNOON RAW!: The Nacreous Gem Around The Intrusive Sand Of Roman Reigns Trying To Cut A Promo

trialling a new slogan

daniel's uncle's idea

apparently owning the building means you can give production advice

price of free offices, i guess

anyway, i'm like 70% sure he doesn't read these, so i can say whatever

but yes, the actual show

the bright orange blur in this tumbnail suggests we may be hearing from one mr cena

straight in on a recap video of the contract signing from last week

only presumably without cena kicking a hole in the fourth wall like the fucking shockmaster

also they've edited it to remove roman forgetting how to english

some damn good promos, though

i'm just loving all the shots of kurt in the background gawking like oh god what have i wrought

oh, apparently this is labour day

you'll pardon me for not exactly giving a shit

and we're in omaha

and here's the cena himself

here to cene all over us

oh, apparently we're just kicking straight into a match

and booker's back

i never thought i'd be glad to hear that slurred bullshit

and here comes jason jordan and his dodgy synth music

here to fight cena for unspecified reasons

oh, so we can play the clip of cena debuting against kurt 15 years ago

back when he was ruthlessly aggressive

who doesn't love cross-generational parallels

omaha is super behind cena, possibly for his music containing actual instruments and vocal tracks recorded at the same time

jason goes straight into the amateur mat game, which is not exactly cena's forte

lots of lingering hugs

i think booker just managed to get jason and cena mixed up, but let's be real, i wasn't listening

my mind just levels out everything booker says into a kind of mealy blur

but hey, that's better than the unignorable shittiness of the jerry

(my favourite kundera book)

cena gets a comeback phase, including whipping jason so hard he also faceplanted himself into the mat

that seems poorly thought out

tries to deploy his five moves, jason manages to counter out my backflipping out of a suplex and dropkicking him

fuck you, cruiserweight division

jason takes a five knuckle shuffle, then counters an aa into an indescribably weird rollup

takes an stf for ages, then reverses into a crossface/chinlock thing

cena says fuck you, i'm john cena, stands up out of it and goes for another aa

jj counters out into a beautiful rolling double nothern lights suplex

straps come down, jj unleashes his true power level

and immediately eats an aa for the pin

way to disprove roman's argument that cena buries young talent

oh hye, speaking of

-slips into pre-emptive coma-

and  he's got a mic

fantastic

roman's like why the fuck did that take you 20 minutes that guy's been on the show for like a month

roman really needs to work out what point he's making

so yeah, argument today is that cena's not as great as he thinks he is

and is a lion

fake-ass little bitch

"Roman, I'd say I'm happy to see you, but...I'm disgusted by your whole face."

cena is all out of shits to give

like stop trying to use your brain, it's not your thing

cena immediately addresses roman's inconsistent point

and that his fly is open

which roman turns into lol cos i'm the big dog

ew

men

and cena counters with a balls joke, and roman with a gay joke

fuck's sake, guys

there's a bar, at least make a cursory effort to get over it

cena takes it to roman for having everything handed to him, like damn dude i fucking hate the miz but at least he works for his shots

this is all true

cena's mostly just exasperated

like damn dude, get a clue

so roman's like hey if you want to beat me up let's do that

roman, stop being smug

or just, yknow, go away

cena does not beat him up, so roman's like hey fuck you dude and walks off

that worked, i guess

but later, we apparently have braun/show in a cage

so we can play the gif of those two crushing the ring

also later jeff hardy has an ic title match

but now, enjoy this advert for total bellas

or don't, very much up to you

but now, here come the not-shield

entering to dean's intro

they're gonna be on announce for slater and rhyno vs the kkb

seth and dean should totally rebrand as the sword

god, i love that they've managed to get a dragon ball reference into their entrance

dean's like welp, that's a great entrance,can't take that away from them

confirmation that we've got their title rematch at no mercy

dean goes off on a tangent about jurassic park and getting your face eaten by velociraptors

seth starts giggling

send for the man

corey asks if seth and dean are getting on as a team, dean's like eh, i've had five years to punch this guy in the face, i'm kind of over it by now

back in the ring, heath slater is getting the fuck kicked out of him

but then, that's what he does

inevitable hot tag so rhyno can get some offence in

and then eat a brogue for the pin

dean starts talking smack on the bar, then he's like well we're the bar now hey we should steal their name

dean talks like he fights

cesaro and sheamus do their fusion dance in the ring, and i'm like 90% sure their fusion would be goro from mortal kombat

although more the plasticine fantasticine version from the film, tbh

that's science right there

toasty

cut back to the announce team, where seth and dean have evaporated

and they talk to book about the hurricane

briefly

but now, renee interviews the hardyz

matt breaks in with a semi-broken accent

crowd goes mental

and jeff's like yuuuup gonna win this or get myself killed with the FIRE THAT BURNS WITHIN ME

man can preach

so that's next, i think?

after this ad for randy/shinsuke on smackdown

insert comment about what competition means

and here comes the match

starting with the hardyz

jeff's wearing a connor's cure tabard over all his other clothes, and seriously, i think the man has a problem

it also makes it very hard for him to rock out to their music

cole makes a reference to them wanting to delete paediatric cancer

well played

and enter the miztourage

maryse has a new vest/pvc leggings/sparkly knee boots combo, and as ever, i want it

also perilously close to real human clothes

apparently it's just over 10 years since jeff had the ic belt

bell rings, jeff goes straight for a rollup because fuck wrestling

miz cowers against the ropes like please mr hardy don't beat me

and uses it to throw jeff out to his cronies

a scheme

who would have thought

back in the ring, jeff just punches the hell out of miz's oh-so-punchable face

whisper in the wind for a nearfall

it's taken this long for jeff to jump off something, he must be taking it seriously

sets up for a swanton, bo distracts the ref so curtis can pull jeff off the turnbuckle

sparks a brawl outside the ring, ref is just like fuck this noise all three of you can fuck off

matt is deeply offended like how could you do this to me i was defending my brother's honour

miz counters out of jeff's crotch leg drop, which is good to see, because it is such a trivially easy move to counter

this match is actually p good

it's been like 60% reversals

maryse is still at ringside, which can't possibly be foreshadowing anything

ooh, she's gone with acid-green nails as well

maryse is just my style icon

(as if you didn't know)

miz pulls jeff off the apron, then collapses against the barricade in fornt of a small child in a cena shirt who's like um what

miz gets a figure four one, jeff just goes to counter by punching miz in the face

makes sense when you think about it

eventually gets to the ropes

then hits miz with a stunner, nearfall when miz gets the rope

live by the rope break...

miz crawls out of the ring while the ref shouts at jeff, then immediately eats a baseball slide

and then poetry in motion off the steps

kind of feeling sorry for miz atm

he's bumping like a demon

maryse pulls her husband out fo the way of a swanton, leaving jeff to fuck himself upon the mat

goes for a twist of fate, miz counters into a finale for the pin

damn good match, solid finish

but now, women do things

or so i am assuming by this recap package of banks/bliss

oh yeahb, and nia's inevitable betrayal

announcement: sasha has her rematch at no mercy

and now nia accosts kurt backstage

she's not impressed that she doesn't get a title shot

and emma interrupts to talk about her twitter analytics

she also wants a title shot

nia's just like fuck off or i will actually break you

kurt holds them apart, and hatches a plan

nia/emma v sasha/alexa tonight

if the undercarders win, he'll make the title match a four-way

foreboding shot of the cage, insistent mentions of the ring being reinforced

and have some more recap videos of brig showman fucking the ring

never noticed how hard the ref bumps to the outside when it happens

caught it now, of course, because they've replayed the clip from SEVEN HUNDRED AND THIRTEEN FUCKING ANGLES

but now it's time for cruiserweights to not get an intro

dar, nese and gulak already in the ring

and cedric and gran metalik get to enter with enzo, because seriously, nobody's getting a fucking intro

except enzo, who's brought a mic as usual

enzo tries to spin cheating to win matches as some kind of god-given right because it gets you wins

babyface?

despreately hypes 205 like please watch my show

he introduces cedric and metalik in the shittiest way possible

i spoke too soon, his smacktalk introductions for the other three are even worse

match kicks off with cedric/tony doing the cruiserweightiest wrestling ever

and enzo tags himself in to ruin everything

drew tags in to kick a non-trivial amount of shit out of enzo

not all of it, of course

the man contains too much shit for one man to kick

the heel team start doing rolling tags to take turns fucking up enzo's shit

and then they all just cruiserweight over everything and i can no longer narrate

stereo topes from cedric and metalik, during which enzo tags himself in because he's a twat

and then sticks a thumb in drew's eye to get his stupidly-named finish for the pin

the alleged faces celebrate as drew's outside with his friends like aaaaaaaaaaa i am blind

end segment

and now alexa collars sasha in the locker room to bitch about their opponents tonight

alexa has a cancer shirt too because she's a face by default tonight

this conversation quickly turns into a huge row

that match'll go well

up next, finn bálor wears a shirt

boo

and an advert for the myc, which continues to be great

and here comes everyone's favourite irish possible serial killer

-does the arms-

goes 'this is bálor club' like he's introducing his new talk show

waxes lyrical on his previous titles and how bray wyatt's a dick

finn has chosen his fate

or possibly faith?

this just in, he has an irish accent

calls bray out, immediate wyatt cut

and now we're in the void with bray

talking about learning to hunt as a kid

and the day he decided to stop using a bow and just kill things with his bare hands

i think we could have all filled in that backstory, tbh

taunts finn for only being able to beat him using the demon as his weapon, rather than doing it with his own power and will

and obliquely challenges him for no mercy

finn starts shouting back at him, which is a rarity for these segments

bray calls finn a rabbit, wyatt cut, end thing

so yeah, bray v human!finn for no mercy, presumably

oh hey, more ads for smackdown and total bellas

and now it's women's tag time

cole claims total bellas stars alexa bliss, corey's like um dude that's just a lie

she is here though

this much is true

oh my god i had forgotten how fucking angry i was about emma's new music

although that said, i think it's changed again

it's still not as good as her proper music, but better than last week

cfo$ are clearly going through a weird phase atm

corey is critiquing emma's hashtag efficiency

someone had to

the basic theme if this match thus far is 'tagging yourself in for giggles'

my inner bitch is loving the reluctant passive-aggressive teamwork in this match

(also my outer bitch)

(aka me)

as the smaller woman in the team, emma is performing her proper function of getting fucked on relentlessly

this rule does not apply to alexa, because her rage gives her virtual height

she's like one of those tiny dogs that will FUCKING HAVE YOU

emma finally gets a tag to nia, alexa gets a chance to vent at her

and get creamed

eats a big-ass samoan drop, sasha breaks up the pin after a moment of internal conflict

gets the tag, shining wizard for a nearfall

emma blind tags, nia leg drops sasha, emma gets the pin

i'll be honest, i was not expecting that

four-way should be good, though

emma celebrates extravagantly in the middle of the ring, nia's like um

and samoan drops her

nia will also fucking have you

back to the ambiguous backstage room, where renee has acquired a braun

asks what he's thinking before his first cage match

he's like really what the fuck was kurt thinking, this match might hurt me before my title match at no mercy but will definitely hurt company property

the man does a surprisingly good promo

but up next, seth and dean are back

their walk backstage is briefly interrupted  by elias thrashing out a new song

long beat as they just kind of stand there like what's up with this guy, then shrug and carry on, dean playing along on the air

but next, they fight the good brothers

after these ads for every show we make

back from ads, sheamus and cesaro are in the ring arguing with gallows and anderson for some reason

who am i kidding, you don't need a reason to bitch on those guys

seth and dean still using dean's intro

like, if you're going to just use one, seth's is way better

BURRRRRN IT DOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWN

ref eventually manages to usher the kkb out of the ring, match can commence

sheamus and cesaro seem to have settled on just sarcastically applauding from ringside

someone needs to get them popcorn

this match is a little formulaic, but damn do i love how in sync seth and dean still are as a team

seth/dean v jordan/gable v gargano/ciampa v dawson/wilder

give them a whole show, best tag match possible

as opposed to this particular long-ass superplex setup that didn't even work

dean counters a chokeslam into a dropkick, which is p cool

seth gets the hot tag, commences to jump off every goddamn rope before braun and show fuck them up

dean tries to join in, does a shitty suicide dive

seth hits a lovely top-rope frankensteiner on anderson, the kkb try to interfere, seth gets the pin anyway because they're just that good

and then the good brothers take sheamus and cesaro out while they're distracted

they take a long moment to consider their options, then go back to the ring to fuck up anderson and gallows

and now here's the connor's cure video basically the same as last year, because history and cancer haven't changed much

and they've got the wwe makeup department in to give kids superstar redesigns

that's kind of sweet

and steph giving them all hype ring announcements is cute

dammit, i've fallen for a cute ill kids advert

and they brought alexa, miz, and finn

which seems like a super weird collection

to inspire these kids with cancer, we've brought our resident bitch, a self-important asshole, and a guy who draws power from being possessed by a demon

perfect sense

but up next, main event time

but first, cruiserweight recap vt?

because now we see enzo and his mates in the locker room being annoying

cue sarcastic clapping from neville

and news that those three have all qualified for a five-way elimination match for a title shot at no mercy

neville sows dissesnsion with a few ominous geordie words

closeups of techs reinforcing the ring

and now charly interviews the ref from the ring explosion match, of all people

oh, apparently the ring's double reinforced

not just reinforced

fancy

he's like welp this match is gonna be carnage i'm just going to focus on dodging

and now renee gives big show a hype chat

gah, i'd forgotten his new hairlessness

come on show, give us a YOUUUUU DID THISSSSS TOOO MEEEEEEEEEE

Shockingly, Giant Baby Show says Braun ain’t shit

the dramatic climax of the promo is just show telling us his own nickname

you know how i said braun could promo surprisingly well?

well...not that

seriously guys, how many ads do we need for total bellas?

it's back

we know

ad for 205, in which we learn that the other two slots in the 5-way are kendrick and nese, for no adequately established reason

wait, has anyone seen kurt and show at the same time?

feels like we might have a dr angle and mr show thing going on

corey just referred to braun as "the steam-breathing monster"

um

i have no clue what to say to that

is he coal-powered?

bell rings, braun kicks show in the face

ha

and starts bodychecking him into the cage

weirdly, it goes wrong on the fourth one

show counters with a magic fist, doesn't climb the cage for some reason, cut to ads

cut back and nothing at all has happened

ecept show is now taking his turn to throw his opponent into the cage walls

show starts climbing, braun follows

weird scale going on, since they can both stand on the top rope and touch the top of the cage

show gets crotched really hard

guys, stop doing that spot

it is not good for you

show sets up on the top rope, everyone goes wtf

and does an elbow drop for the first time in like two decades

doesn't connect properly, but still a good moment

goes for the pin, braun kicks out at two because fuck you i'm braun strowman

show crawls for the door, braun walks over, grabs it, and hits show in the face with it

then braun tries to walk over show to get the door himself, and show does eexactly the same thing back to him

see, that was just dumb

braun kind of wanders into a chokeslam, then counters into a ddt for a nearfall

few spots later, show manages to land the chokeslam, braun kicks out because see the above re: fuck you

show goes for a magic fist, braun counters into a powerslam, show counters out and throws braun into the wall

show goes for the climb, followed by braun

gets his chest over the top before braun drags him back down because NOT FINISHED WITH YOU

i have never seen big show on the top rope this much before

braun gets a superplex in, the double reinforcement does its job

still a hell of a crash

and running powerslam for the pin

okay, i'm not usually one for large man punch fights, but that was actually really good

braun looms ominously over his fallen foe, then somehow acquires a mic

calls out brock to see big show's corpse as an object lesson

long ominous beat, then tells big show it's time to go to pasture, picks him up, and powerslams him through one wall of the cage

crowd goes wild

next time they should maybe think about also double reinforcing the cage

show lies on the broken cage wall going aaaa i'm dying, braun stalks off and roars, end show

in all senses

right, well, i've got some bad news

the horizontal line's off in Marbella this week, so we're gonna have to roll straight on

-checks the list of test slogans again-

MONDAY AFTERNOON SMACKDOWN!: Takes Hotter Than Your Dad.

i swear, the things i do so we can have somewhere to record this show that's only occasionally filled with vengeful woodland animals

so yes, the raccoon incident aside, let's watch mackdown

or indeed smackdown

mackdown is the wrestling dating sim i am now going to have to make

opening on a weirdly-saturated recap package of the orton/nakamura situation

the worst holmes story

and yes, the best thing about smackdown today

i'd had it spoiled, but still

JBL IS FUCKING GONE

he's off to do charity work, so we get the double whammy of disadvantaged kids getting support and me not having to listen to his voice

and they've replaced him with corey, making pretty much the ideal announce panel

Tom: "Did you miss me, Graves?" Corey: "Yes!" Tom: "I...am surprised!"

i live for these two talking shit

so yes, orton/nakamura tonight for a title shot at hiac

and here's randy, standing in three-quarter profile in a dimly lit corridor

yknow, like people do

and giving a speech about how he' gonna fuck shinsuke up

cut to shinsuke shadow boxing in the locker room

tells us about how he's gonna fuck randy up, i mostly get distracted by his left shoulder, which i hadn't noticed before

it's kind of fucked

i'm guessing that's a dislocation that healed weird

cut to the ring, and ellsworth announces his bae

only to be interrupted by...kevin?

he's decided he's going to be guest referee for carmella's match with nattie

begins trying to intimidate the ref into taking his shirt off

here's shane

who may have opinions on this fuckery

takes a moment for a cheap pop before getting into professional mode

he's just like kevin

dude

sort your shit out

long tense faceoff

shane's like maybe take responsibility for all these failures which are in all ways your fault

kevin's like fuck you i don't even want to be on this show

shane's like well yeah, cos this isn't the bullshit show where we just give people belts

kevin calls shane out on him needlessly inserting himself into eveything on the show

mentions his dad, gets an ooooooh, mentions his kids, shane immediately gets in his face like fuck you

kevin spins the helicopter crash into this, says his family would all be better off if he'd died there

mentions his kids again, shane explodes on him

well, he did warn him

trips getting out of the ring, killing the moment a bit

throws kevin over the announce table and just absolutely goes to town on him

security pull them apart, bryan turns up to be like the fuck are you doing dude that's an employee

and give the most disapproving dad look you've ever seen

and...cut to an ad for total bellas

way to maintain the mood, guys

and recaps of what happened thirty seconds ago

in which they've edited out shane tripping

ha

backstage, kevin staggers through the room supported by three officials

bryan comes out to apologise

kevin promises to sue shane, wwe, and the entire mcmahon family

bryan's like wow, that seems wildly disproportionate

kevin's like fine, i'll go press assault charges insteads

cut back to announce, corey and byron are both like well he totally deserved that

but yes, now we actually have that carmella/nattie match

recap from last week reminds me precisely how fucking awful carmella's singlet was

thankfully, she's back to normal gear today

provided you count bright orange leggings with leopard-print piping as normal

announce team start spinning next week's 'Sin City Smackdown'

carmella gets her face punched off, retreats to her ellsworth

pan out to naomi watching the match with a look of deep concentration as carmella does a long-ass guillotine choke

nattie powerslams her out, gets a comeback

carmella superkicks nattie, gets a nearfall, ellsworth gives the ref the briefcase

carmella's like wtf no i'm not cashing in give my that back, throws it at ellsworth, and gets rolled up for the pin

ellsworth comes back into the ring to apologise profusely

carmella starts being all magnanimous, then opens up on him

including using the same line twice

calls him a 'genetic defect'

and asks how he's still employed at wwe

really, the question we were all asking

"You are a charity case, and your mother should have given you away at birth!"

wow

harsh

and officially dumps him

takes her case, struts off

leaving james in the ring and the depths of despair

backstage, here's shane looking conflicted

up next, dolph ziggler re-debuts

i have no clue how this is going to go

expect everything

after these ads for the myc and no mercy

and tom giving us a talk about paediatric cancer

roll the video again

refer to my comments above

well, that gave me plenty of time to curate my itunes library

fringe benefits

and here's the dolph

looking...exactly the same

he's got a mic

presumably to tell the fans to go fuck themselves

yup

railing at the fans for not appreciating the greatest performer in the company

and they'd prefer some dumb gimmick

lights go back down, and here he is again

doing cena's entrance

all credit to the crowd for the DOLPH ZIGGLER SUUUUUUUCKS singalong

dolph's like hey, did that not work? i'll try another

lights go down again, and now he's...who had land of hope and glory?

-research break-

yeah, thought it was him

dude, if you're gonna do a macho man entrance, you could at least have the shades

gives up on it, shouts at the crows for not doing the usual nostalgia pop

sends his valet away

and now he promises to have exactly what the crowd want and deserve

and...now he's naomi

the fuck is this

does the knee slide, then gives up

all gimmicks are defeated by ennui

and now he's back to railing against the idea of gimmicks, because anyone can do them

says he, after clearly showing that not everyone can dance like naomi

tells the fans they make him sick, stomps off backstage

so that happened?

up next, sami zayn v aiden english

because this is 2014 nxt, apparently

aiden gets about one line into his aria before sami's music interrupts him

oh yeah, this is the rematch from last week when kevin fucked on everything

and aiden gets a rollup out of nowhere

that lasted about 90 seconds

the bookers have some sort of problem with sami

and aiden's got his mic back

so he can give us some more singing

swiftly tailing off as sami chases him out of the room

let's have yet another recap of shane brutalising an employee

pan out to bryan rewatching it

only to get interrupted by the new day

here to lift his spirits

oh, and here are the usos

to do the opposite

announcing the stipulation for next week

street fight

which seems ill-advised when you're fighting a team of three

bryan gets a call, ushers the new day out

someone bryan calls 'sir' (so vince) wants him to do something in the ring

i know what, because i have a dreadful habit of going on twitter and getting spoilers, but i'll maintain the mystery for now

bryan disagrees, is shut down

and he's going to do............IT right now

(couldn't resist)

and here he is in the arena

gets in the ring, calls shane to come too

he doesn't

finally, here he comes

with nary a HERE COME THE MONEYYYYYYY

not sure i've ever seen either of these this sombre

bryan's like remember last year when the miz was pushing me every week and i made the bold choice to NOT FUCKING ATTACK HIM?

bottom line, you can't assault our employees

fair policy

shane's like yeah sorry but when people talk about my family i go crazy

bryan's just i don't give a single shit you've endangered this entire show because we both know kevin's a vindictive bastard who'll take us for everything

shane offers to go and reconcile with kevin

bryan's like no, i talked to your dad, you're suspended indefinitely

and leaves

shane's left in the ring like welp

why would you leave him there if he was suspended?

eh, wrestling logic

many crowd chants later, shane slumps off

gets a lot of thank you chants for a man who's just been suspended for attacking an employee

and now renee is in the blue curtain room to interview jinder

in an ugly-ass houndstooth suit

asks which guy he'd rather fight, he doesn't give a shit

claims he represents asia better than shinsuke ever could, despite shinsuke actually being from fucking asia

does the promo again in punjabi to speak to 3% of the great nation of india

back in the arena, aj's on announce

to talk about paediatric cancer

(i feel like i'll be writing that phrase a lot in the next few weeks)

and here's baron

sidebar fact: "Won the Money In The Bank ladder match earlier this year"

guys, maybe stop reminding people of that

recap vt of styles/dillinger last week

and of baron being a tool

i feel like i might need to specify that more

and here's tye

and they haven't synced his music with his new tron, so the sexy number voice says 10 when the video's on about 6

kind of love the KO'S A BITCH sign in the crowd

works on many levels

baron slides out of the ring to face off with aj, so tye just jumps out and fucks him up against the barricade

solid advice: maybe keep an eye on the other guy in the match

cut to ads, come back to a really slick spot of baron lariating tye's head off

tye tries to set up for the tye breaker, is thwarted by his opponent being large and heavy

and baron continues to stop having the match he's actually having so he can shout at aj

and i love the complete lack of shit aj gives

baron scores a cheap shot to tye's throat, angering aj, and end of days for the pin

actually a pretty good match

you forget that tye's got a lot of skill in the ring

aj is shocked at baron's lack of honour

because he doesn't watch the show, i guess

up next, "a special look at bobby roode"

ok, whoever edited it to go directly from saying that to a total bellas advert needs firing

backstage, aj congratulates tye on his fight and says next week, the us open challenge will only be open to him

dude

that's not an open challenge

that's just a challenge

and now for a bobby roode video package

enhanced by corey being on this show now so he can run hype for him

and now we're backstage with ellsworth pleading for carmella to forgive him

and being like yes i'm subhuman and i don't deserve anything please take me back

this is not healthy

carmella says from now on, they're doing things her way

gives him a huge kiss, then slaps his face off

flounces off, leaving ellsworth to be like the actual fuck is my life

but now we have a main event

here comes the very finest in flailing japanese men

and adverts for all our other shows

and also a fucking snaaaaaaake

loving the contrast of entrances

incredibly theatrical alien dance vs walking slowly down the ramp

cut over to jinder and the singhs in his skybox

tom mispronounces kinshasa even before the bell rings

this is why we got corey on here

whoever you are trying to get your MAGA sign to constantly show up on hardcam, kindly fuck off

randy does a massive hotshot, aided by shinsuke being an extremely floppy man when he wants to be

randy goes for his draping ddt out to the floor, shinsuke reverse out because that would be dangerous as fuck if he hit it

throws shinsuke into the announce desk, corey's like this is the worst first day ever

shinsuke just decides to get a comeback spot like oh hey maybe i should just kick him in the face a bunch

superplex to shinsuke, and the setup only took a small percentage of my life this time

lovely spot as shinsuke's reeling on his knees then just leans back into doing his cmoooooooon

goes for a kinshasa, randy counters into a snap powerslam

into a draping ddt, because you know randy's spots

strikes up the snake, which is still weird when your whole thing is hitting it out of nowhere

goes for an rko, shinsuke counters into an armbar then transitions to a triangle

that was fucking lovely

randy powers out, shinsuke counters an rko into a backstabber

see, this is how you preserve finishers

and kinshasa for the pin

oh, sorry corey

KINSHAAAAAASSSSSSSAAAAAAAAAAA

(totally why corey's here)

well thank fuck for that, i'm not sure i could have taken another orton/mahal rematch without taking up amateur tattooing or something

backstage, bryan tells kevin they're done

kevin's like fuck that, imma run the show next week

and bryan drops the bomb that vince'll be there next week to sort shit out

great

ah well

and brief cut back to shinsuke partying so we have something to end on

and thus we finish the week's shows

by which i do of course mean last week's shows

one day i'll actually get my shit together and be punctuahahahahaaaa sorry i couldn't get through that

[Don’t forget to follow Emma on Twitter, where she’s @Waruce]

[howlofwinter]

Why I left the band

1) Issues with IRL meetups and schedule. This was before lockdown mind you throughout 2019. X basically couldn't reliably leave his house for practise, nor guarantee gigs even in our town. We turned down a gig that was in the next town which at the time me and Y hated. Meanwhile Y was technically living in a different city (something he did without consulting us) and while he was in town for three days a week he wasn’t a “free agent” who could do sessions whenever. He could normally only do one evening session. It just seemed very impractical to be a band that couldn’t meet to write, rehearse etc. At the same time X and Y were both adamant that it was totally fine and it still could work. While I felt there was a big disconnect between what they said that wanted to be as a band and their actual ability to meetup. Our last gig I had to basically beg for more rehearsal time because I’d barely played through the song with the band all the way through with all my parts written. There was also this idea that we could be “an internet band” where meeting was more of an additional activity, rather than a primary way of exchanging ideas. I really hated this idea. I can see it working for some, especially electronic acts etc. But we weren’t good at working in our own time and this was something before 2019 that we had highlighted a lot. Additionally my mac was pretty slow and we’d all need the same plugins for it work smoothly and I was confident that my mac wouldn’t keep up. Much of making music together is being in the room and exchanging ideas on the fly. Trying things again but in different ways. Change the chord scheme, change the dynamics, change the bassline etc. This new method only allows us to use recorded ideas. I was very close to leaving in 2019 because of this schedule issue. I even wrote an angsty email to our acting manager about it. They just didn’t seem to want to be in it anymore in terms of dedicating time. 2) It became too metal. And creative differences. I wrote about 10 tracks that just was never used. At a certain point when your input is rebuffed and denied - it stops feeling like a band you are equally a part of. X and Y wrote songs that we didn’t work on too, and so this wasn’t unique, but I felt like I didn't have anything to offer that they were really interested in. Even stuff I was proud of and very happy with, they didn't want to appropriate it or rework it etc. While some of the finished tracks weren’t really my style to begin with I still wanted to work on other people’s ideas. I felt like this wasn’t returned to me. It was less about them rejecting a certain amount of my ideas, and more that I felt like I wasn’t really of use to the creative process. Why would I want to stay in a band where my output isn’t valued. 3) Intrusive thoughts. I found it difficult hearing about Y’s girlfriend (Z) all the time and I was having intrusive thoughts related to that whole saga. We would be in session talking about this and that and my brain would be elsewhere. I had desires to lash out verbally at Y all the time and answer questions sarcastically  turning unrelated questions back on to Y about the Z saga. So yeah this really tipped the scales from being unsure about whether it was the right band - to knowing that it wasn’t for me anymore. I told X about this and how I didn’t want to do this anymore and he basically encouraged me to quit now rather than later as it would be easier for them. And so that was that - I left. I still feel awkward with Y now, and I feel like our friendship was strained too far because of what he did. Time and distance seemed like the only thing that would repair things. I’d already given it a year and things weren’t getting better so I don’t regret leaving when I did. 4) Those are the primary reasons. Here are some additional things that were bothersome but weren’t direct reasons I left - more observations/concerns. I just want to write them to get them out of my system. i - Money. I didn’t have money to actually invest in studio time. While X was very kind to offer to pay it for me, it would probably cause issues later down the line. Studio time is vital, as is money to tour. I didn’t have that money so I didn’t see how I could stay. ii - Ability. We started writing a couple of tracks that I couldn’t play, and much like my other band that I left, rather than simplifying it - I was just expected to get better. I learnt one of them but the other one I never got.  iii - Fashion. We had lots of discussions where X would try and show things he wanted me to wear on stage. I felt like I was being told to pretend to be someone I’m not and I really didn’t like the ideas and style he was interested in. Skinny jeans and black tshirts. I felt like it was quite generic and boring. Our acting manager gave other ideas like “be aggressive, bold, memorable” which I could understand a lot more. Regardless there were lots of gigs we did where I didn’t like what other members wore. I think we had clear differences in what stage wear is and what the aesthetic we wanted to have. iv - No replacement member. We never replaced our original guitarist. We didn’t really want to in a creative sense, but it limited what we could actually perform. Compositions needed to work within 4 tracks (guitar/drums/bass/vocals) or they were essentially a waste of time. When we did want to find a replacement it proved too difficult. We had three suitable candidates and none could sing. v - Direction. When we identified our scheduling issues in 2019, my idea was to take gigging off the table and to simply write an album of ideas that we were happy with. However once we finished working on our two new ideas, immediately there was desire to record it. X argued that it would avoid us fading into obscurity. And while I saw the logic behind it, if we knew we couldn’t gig, why were we investing into a product that couldn’t be sold. Spotify is great, but it doesn’t actually pay anything (at least in our case). This was a huge investment and I wasn’t that hot on the songs in question so I had two strong motives to disagree. But to make matters worst I really disliked the sound of the producer we decided to get into contact with - but I had no alternative option. When I heard a work in progress bounce of the song they’d worked on with the producer - I felt like it was so removed from the band I once was in, despite working on said song only a few months ago. This was positive to me because it showed that leaving was the right thing to do and that even if I had stayed that I wouldn’t be happy with our newest song/product/investment. vi - Gigs with bad pay. I will make a separate post about this because it really was infuriating. Selling out a gig as the headliners, and making £60 just felt like a robbery. Most venues took either ALL the money from tickets and drinks, or they gave you £1 or £2 per ticket while keeping the remainder. If you bring 60 people to a gig, and they all buy 3 drinks, you’ve made that venue (roughly) £900 on drinks. Assuming they make £5 per ticket thats another £300 (£1200 total). Of course that's not direct profit and I don’t claim to understand the finances of venues. But when you’re the reason that people left their home to come to the venue - why do we get £60 for 60 tickets and you get £1200. And that was a best case scenario. Most venues didn’t pay us anything. Some would offer us fuel money at most. But what could we do. We needed to perform and none of us knew how to negotiate better deals. But it did feel awful to do everything right and to put on a good show for a bunch of people and have nothing to show for it. vii - Y’s poor communication and poor planning. This was something that we did address from time to time but still was annoying. There were a couple of times where he left the country entirely and only told us about it once he’d left. One event that made me quite angry was when we spent a few hundred pounds on a video which required us to perform to a metronome. We knew this before we booked it. Our acting manager additionally reminded us. The video editor told us about it. On the day he didn’t use it because he thought it was more important to have an MP3 play off his phone for our intro - than use a metronome for the video. Yet he never thought of mentioning this to us and we didn’t know until the video editor told us. The video isn’t great, and I attribute that entirely to the lack of metronome. I wouldn’t care that much if it was a free video, but it cost us a lot of money and it was essentially a huge waste of both the money and the opportunity. There was also just the way we’d start a session, get things rolling and he’d suddenly go and cook dinner. Sometimes this was only 10 minutes and it wasn’t a big deal. Other times he would cook stuff from scratch. When he had Z round he would spend time speaking to her every time we walked past the room. It wasn’t uncommon for our sessions to have 30 minutes cut out of them where he was eating. I have no problem with having a break but at moments it felt like he was wasting my time and it wasn’t something he was committed to. Another thing is while Y is a fantastic musician, it was very obvious when he hadn’t been practising at all because his tempos would be incredibly sloppy. There was only so many times I could bring this up without being rude so at some point I just stopped. viii - No photographer. We asked so many different people to take photos of us. We even payed one of them. They almost never came out good. This made our achievements go largely undocumented. To me it was always really clear that our image of being a band is more important than actually doing the ground work - but again we never fixed the issue. There are little to no images of us even playing in our home town. As far as our facebook page is concerned we hardly did any gigs ix - Time required per song. It became very obvious from an early point that we were slow at writing songs. We were together for about 5 years or so, and in that time we gigged maybe 12 songs. Before almost every gig we’d talk about how it was ridiculous and how we should write more and stop being fussy. But actually putting that into practise never happened and it became increasingly obvious that our creative process was hurting our own momentum. While I think we were all happy with the work we did together, you can only do the same gig so many times. This was made even worse by point 2. There was plenty of ideas to work on. But instead people would write new ideas, that were very often deemed unfitting for us as a group. So on one hand we have a large amount of raw creative output and potential songs, but on the other hand we have very few finished ideas or even ideas deemed worthy to complete and as time went on this was a theme of the band. In reflection I just wish people worked on other people’s ideas more rather than writing it off without even trying to rearrange it. x- Style and writing method change. I did mention this with the second point but just to go into more detail. The project started as a progressive rock act. Our goal was to write interesting rock music with meaningful lyrics. We would work on songs by improvising entirely, or working on chord schemes and ideas would slowly evolve over time. We would add our own parts/layers individually and it was very fluid with sections being added and tweaked over time. But conversely this meant songs were somewhat up in the air for a while and it was hard to judge the merits of a project - meaning time could be invested into a project for no pay out. At a certain point X decided that it would be better if we brought more finished ideas to sessions and then allowed the band to appropriate them and I agreed. But in hindsight I think it was stupid to commit to this being the only viable way. While it was easy for people to play along to other people’s ideas and make a song in the process, it was slightly different when the bulk of song is done and you are required to learn their parts. or re work their parts, or rework their song. X would bring songs in their entirety and I guess it was often hard to see them as something I wanted to invest time into adapting to our own tastes. Even on the ideas that made it - usually sections got boycotted and new ones had to be created. So the writing process moved out of the rehearsal room where we each commit our own parts - into DAWs and people coming up with their own songs - only for us to delete most of that song and write new parts and sections. So did it save time? I doubt it. While there were tracks where this method worked out well, I know our former member felt like they couldn’t contribute with this writing style and I suppose I agree somewhat. The entire point of being in a band is to collaborate. I hate to think about how much time was spent collectively - working on entire songs on our own, just for the rest of the band to veto the project. In terms of batting averages, Im certain that even X had more projects that were discarded by the band than they were used. An interesting question is would these ideas have been veto’d if they were brought to the band without being “finished” by solo members. On a similar note to this is X’s prevalence in creative control. Generally I enjoyed working with X and I have no hard feelings towards him. But something that our departed member mentioned (W for now) is that the the longer X was in the band the more more control X had, the more control X had the more things turned away from making prog rock, and more into metal. And thus, W and to a certain extend myself felt alienated and that our ideas weren’t fitting with the bands image. But really it was X’s image of the band that we weren’t fitting. While we were happy to go along with his ideas, he often didn’t return the favour.  To some degree I think everyone should be able to say that they don’t like a song, and to be able to veto an idea if they really don’t like it or see its merits. But by the end of my time in the band we had so many veto’d ideas that it was ridiculous Something Y suggested was that we stop veto’ing ideas on work on songs we don’t really like that much so that we have content. To diversify the band’s style. But again X didn’t want to actually do this. I think ultimately X wanted something different out of the band than I did (and that W did). While I don’t mind doing some more metal esque songs, there has to be balance. And overall there really wasn’t. Now that I’m outside of the band, I can see that very clearly. Looking in iTunes I have the bounces where I spent time working on my own ideas that weren’t used. There was about four ideas that I worked on with Y that we liked and we wanted to use but ultimately they were shelved because they weren’t metal. And what makes this even more frustrating is that we even cited that we needed more variety in our songs in terms of mood and atmosphere. That a good set can’t all be aggressive. That actually downtime, and calmer tracks would make the more aggressive tracks stand out and be more effective. But this was never achieved. Unfortunately I do think X is largely to blame for that. If I give you a song and you don’t like that song, how can I change that song so that you do like it. Really that work has to come from you.

[buzzdixonwriter]

Instinct / Intuition / Intelligence

I’ve mentioned before how I became involved in sci-fi fandom in the late 1960s.

By the early 1970s I was reading and occasionally contributing to a number of fanzines including the legendary Dick Geis’ The Alien Critic. 

Recently, thanks to Jim Harris (a.k.a. the Sci-Fi Bookworm), I’ve been able to find many of Geis’ classic back issues available for free download on the Internet Archive.

I’m taking no small delight in re-reading those issues and rediscovering some of the really insightful and perceptive writing Geis both contributed and encouraged from others.

In May of 1974 Geis published Alexei & Cory Panshin’s excellent essay “Reading Heinlein Subjectively:  An Analysis”, an absolute must-read for anyone interested in science fiction in general and / or Robert A. Heinlein in particular.

Divided in three parts, the Panshins used the first and third parts to examine Heinlein’s early work in contrast to his later books, in particular to see if Heinlein was indeed the “rational fiction” writer he claimed to be or if there was inconsistency to his worldview.

I’ll let you read their conclusion on your own; what I’m here for is the middle part of the essay, a long and well thought out piece on how people grow and think, and the philosophical implications of same.

I’m posting some excerpts here because it really is thought provoking, and it not only sets the groundwork for their analysis of Heinlein’s political philosophy, but shines some pretty bright lights on what’s going on around us today.

. . .

“We are possessing three means of knowledge about the universe and ourselves within the universe.

“These means are instinct, intuition, and intelligence.

“Intelligence is the ability to learn new details about the universe.  In simpler animals, intelligence is altogether missing.  In more complex animals, intelligence is a highly limited quality.  It is, of course, our more highly developed intelligence that seems to distinguish humanity from other animals.

“However, not only human intelligence, but the very capacity for intelligence is not developed at birth.  The new-born human infant must rely for his knowledge on instinct and intuition.

“In contrast to intelligence, these older and more established means--the legacy of man’s long evolutionary history--are fully developed at birth, as they are in lesser animals.

“Instinct is a form of knowledge that is built-in to living beings.  The goal of instinct is self-preservation--the maintenance of the integrity of the individual being against the corrosive and homogenizing effects of entropy.

“To instinct, the individual--the Self--is primary.  To instinct, the Other--the rest of the universe--is secondary to the Self.

“Instinct is selfish and divisive.  It promotes the good of the individual, or, at most wide-ranging, the species, at the cost of all else that exists.

“But instinct is necessary to the survival of individuals and species…

“Intuition, the other and more basic form of in-born knowledge, offsets the selfishness and special interest of instinct.

“To instinct, the individual is primary, and the universe secondary.  By contrast, intuition is knowledge that informs us that the universe as a whole is primary, and that individual beings within the universe are secondary.

“Intuition yields a sense of the underlying unity and harmony of the universe.” 

. . .

“Intuition informs us that divisiveness is not al there is to existence.  It tells us that Self and Other are in the same fundamental sense One. 

“The condition that embraces an apparently discrete Self and Other, and links them as One, human beings call ‘love’.

“The human infant, of course, knows nothing of abstract theorization.  He has no memories, no developed sensory perceptions, none of the complex symbolic vocabulary that adult human beings traffic in.  He has no objectivity.  Necessarily, he must take everything that happens to him personally.

“The thought of the infant is immediate and subjective.  All that exists is sentience, like himself.  Sentience interacts with him in dramatic personal terms -- as it were, story…

“The infant, of course, is the Self.  At the outset, the rest of the universe is the Other--a single sentient being like the Self.

“Everything that occurs to the infant is taken to be motivated.  That is, the Other is taken to have its own self-preserving motivations that cause it to act either benignly or hostilely to the Self.

“However, beyond any specific behavior of the Other, the infant has the intuitive conviction that Self and Other are linked by love…

“A human baby can only lie in utter helplessness.  It cannot cling.  It cannot run.  It cannot even hold its head up to take its mother’s nipple.  The most it can do is cry in hope and fear.

“Like other animals, the human infant has instincts which urge it to preserve and protect itself.  They make constant suggestion to the infant.

“But the infant is helpless to act on those instincts.  When these instincts are not responded to, they signal louder.  And louder.  This is a process of feedback.

“The signals of instinct become so overwhelming that the fainter and less immediate underlying signals of intuition are blotted out.

“When contact with intuition is lost, so is the awareness of loving and being loved.

“At times when instinct overwhelms intuition, the infant is confronted by a crueler, lonelier subjective environment.  The infant personifies this loveless environment as another character in its mental playlet.  This character is the Demonic.

“The infant Self assumes that the Demonic has willed the disappearance of the Other--that which can be loved.  The Demonic is taken to be an unnatural monster of pure evilness which has intruded itself from outside the universe of Oneness perceived through intuition.

“The Demonic is the outside--that which is excluded from the bond of love that united Self and Other.  In its pain, the Demonic has sought to destroy the love of Self and Other and isolate the infant Self in its own condition of permanent lovelessness.

“The one recourse available to the infant is to repress its awareness, to block out the now-unendurable signals of instinct.  In story terms, this is taken as the casting-down  of the Demonic into the Pit.

“But the infant does not merely block out the Demonic.  The infant is not able to repress selectively.  It cannot merely block out the over-amplified signals that it takes to be evil, hostiles, intrusive, and loveless, it also blocks the more moderate stimuli it takes as proceeding from the good, protective and loving Other.

“The infant Self must conclude that the Demonic has been brought under control--but only after the Demonic had successfully driven away the Other.  The infant must at all cost continue to repress the Demonic lest it break free from the Pit and destroy the Self as well.

“At this point, both intuition and instinct are crippled as means of knowledge.  The infant comes to rely on his own developing intelligence.” 

. . .

”We bargain and game-play our way through the universe of multiplicity.

“There are, of course, problems inherent in game-playing.  There are situations where we don’t know the rules, or where different sets of rules conflict.

“However, the universe of multiplicity is distinctly less trying than the previous universe of instinct and intuition.” 

. . .

“…we may fear the Demonic as a still-present menace lurking just beyond perception to snatch us up if we lose our grip on the factual universe--that is, if we try to evade the rules.

“This fear is the source of irrational behavior which alters and interferes with logical rational self-interest.

“As children, if our family relationships suggest it, we may perceive our mother as the Other, and our father as the Demonic who tore us away from the nurturing breast.

“We may be warned by our parents that if we are not ‘good’ the Bogey-man will get us.  We may bully or be bullied--that is, we may interact, with irrational aggressiveness of irrational timidity, with what we take to be symbols of the Demonic.

“The Nazi perception of the Jews as the Demonic--the cause of the Fall that was Germany’s defeat in World War I--most certainly caused them to act against their rational self-interest.” 

. . .

“We try to decide for ourselves in the course of endless bull sessions and in private rumination what is real and what is not.

“We have two major problems to settle.

“One is the problem of society.  Are the rules and games of society mere accident or are they necessary?  Are they creations of the human mind, subject to doubt and change, or are they real and absolute?

“The other is the problem of evil.  Is evil a fact of existence or is it a mere seeming?

“Both of these problems are the inheritance of our instincts.  It is instinct that informs us of the Demonic.  And it is instinct that first sets us to bargaining and game-playing to maximize ourself-interest.

“The question for the adolescent is whether or not there is a basis in the world of multiplicity--a factual basis--for our conviction that evil and society have essential existence.

“The adolescent may decide to believe in one or both or neither.

“Those who decide that both evil and society are real are conservatives.

“Those who believe in society, but not evil, are liberals.

“Those who believe in evil, but not society, we may call nihilists.

“And those who believe in neither evil nor society we may call anarchists.

“These last two terms in particular are not perfect, but have a certain historical association with the subjective positions we are describing.” 

. . .

“The first quantum leap we are called upon to make is the leap from childhood to adulthood.

“From the child’s point of view, this jump looks impossible.  And in fact it is--for a child.

“To complete the jump successfully, the child must reject his former limited self, stake his life on a new identity, and remake himself on a larger scale.” 

-- Alexi & Cory Panshin “Reading Heinlein Subjectively:  An Analysis” The Alien Critic #9, May 1974

 © Alexi & Cory Panshin

 I also recommend their remarkably perceptive book on Robert A. Heinlein, Heinlein In Dimension, which they graciously offer for free perusal online, as well as their website and Facebook page.