#probably still somewhere on the ace spectrum but god knows where at this point

[mccoyquialisms]

really cool and exciting for me to have a relationship crisis triggering yet another sexuality crisis

[yeah-thats-probably-it]

I love seeing all the aro joy posts on my dash! 💚🤍🩶🖤 *waves her little aro flag*

I’m glad someone is enjoying them and I'm not just being annoying! It’s been a slightly disorienting past few days with an epiphany of this magnitude just happening so suddenly, but entirely in a positive way.

This is hands down my fastest turnaround from suspecting I might be something to wholeheartedly embracing that thing. I’ve had many a realization about myself in my day, and typically there’s an angst period where I have to contend with What Does This Mean For My Life, but this time I can’t hear any of that over the rush of a relief so intense it almost took me out at the knees, and the only thing I can think is “thank god, thank god, thank god.”

You have to understand (this ask got me on a self-reflective train of thought, sorry), my entire adult life has had this tinge of panic that I didn’t have enough relationship experience and this urgently needed to be fixed. Accepted wisdom seems to be that building a successful relationship usually requires both a lot of trial-and-error and a lot of prior experience, and all three of my past relationships combined add up to less than a year (this was a sign btw), so I thought that if I didn’t start finding people I was willing to date (and vice versa) soon, at some unknown time in the future I would reach the point where it’s “too late” to find a long-term romantic partner (which would be the worst thing ever). It was horrible, it made me feel sick.

It actually might not be entirely accurate to say I had an immediate turnaround between suspecting I was aro and completely accepting it. It depends on how you look at it. For quite some time I’d been saying that yeah, sure, I’m probably on the aro spectrum somewhere. Maybe I’m demi or grayromantic, I can admit that (what I thought were) crushes are an incredibly rare occurrence for me. I think I found those identities less threatening because what I thought they meant was that I was still destined/obligated to end up in a romantic relationship, it would just take longer to find a partner (I know that ISN’T what they mean, but there’s no accounting for irrational anxiety). The grip of amatonormativity was so strong that deep down I really believed my life couldn’t be complete without a romantic partner, no matter how much I would have protested to the contrary.

But then I joined the J&W fandom, which is so heavily aro and/or ace, and I don’t know. Maybe seeing so many people in one place who are contented to not be in romantic relationships shook something loose in the back of my mind. So now when the idea that I might be 100% completely aro hit me, I was prepared to entertain it. Plus being in such a friendly, cozy fandom like this has made me feel like I have friends and a community for the first time in a while, and that’s helped soothe a lot of the loneliness I used to think I needed a romantic relationship to fix. A little part of my mind started saying “but if you’re in a relationship, you will have less time to analyze media with pals,” which was an extremely compelling argument, and it was getting louder and louder.

I didn’t realize how much tension I was holding in my body over this. This anxiety was such a heavy thing, but it was so settled and deeply rooted that it felt like it belonged there, and I can’t believe it’s gone, just like that, in a day. It must’ve been barely a week ago that, with feelings of the deepest loathing and resentment, I was thinking that I would probably have to open the dating apps again. I thought those feelings were just anxiety about meeting new people and impatience with the whole dating process, and now I understand that I had habitually been choking down overwhelming distress and dread toward the idea of performing romance and now just like flipping a switch I don’t have to do that anymore??? Do you PROMISE? I could cry, and I have.

Anyway, this is to say that you guys really helped, so thank you. And thanks to everyone who replied to my original questioning post about this, I really appreciated your thoughts.

[pentanguine]

Python's 2023 in review

Enjoy me rambling and oversharing in typical long-winded fashion

I am so glad I stumbled into public librarianship. When I graduated I was still so sure I was going to work in an academic library, and it took fate intervening for me to realize that still probably wasn’t right for me. I love the public library combination of working with popular collections (the books actually circulate!?) and helping people with practical problems. It makes me feel useful, and like I’m part of the wider world

Unfortunately I am beset by imposter syndrome. I only graduated three months before I started the position, and I feel underqualified for what I know was a very competitive search. I am definitely the youngest person on my team, and I am so scared of disappointing people. It will be fine

Also unfortunately my commute is still way too long, but my god, I’m in control of it. All I have to do is get on the bus and stay on the bus til my stop. There’s no mucking around with a local shuttle service that can have a wait time of over an hour and has to be precisely timed while you also try to make a train connection…I just get on one bus. Wow. When the weather’s nicer and it’s lighter out, I’m going to try walking home to see if it’s faster

I dated one of my friends for nine months, and that was fun and weird. I really enjoyed just getting to express those feelings for once, but I didn’t like how much space he took up in my life. I’d set aside a night for myself and then he’d say “hey, want to call?” and I’d go “😍YES let me drop everything to hear your voice!”, which was very annoying. I desperately wanted more time to myself, but I was so infatuated I wanted to spend time with him more. I think I’d like to avoid that in the future.

I definitely did not experience Dating and Romance the way most people do, but it’s hard to tell if that’s because I’m somewhere on the ace spectrum, or because that’s just how I am as a person. I do feel like a lot of stuff was unintuitive to me, sort of like I was a robotic anthropology student experimenting with intimacy in order to gain a better understanding of the humans it’s been studying, but I also feel like that about many of types of human interaction, and “being attracted to him” was not where the disconnect was. Over the course of the relationship I kept up a strategy document outlining my goals and took 27 pages of notes, and that’s probably the most relevant fact about how my sexuality functions

I have started eating my burgers with all the toppings! This seems small and meaningless from the outside, but I used to eat every component of my food separately, because I Had To, and it feels really nice to just do things instead of holding myself apart so I can carefully avoid Bad Things which Are Not Right. It feels like relaxing into life like a warm bubble bath.

27 feels distinctly different from 26. Feels a lot like My Late 20s, which feels like Almost 30, which feels like an entirely different stage of life. My knee clicks louder and louder when I go up stairs, and my knee and elbow hurt when the weather changes. I hear my spine making noises a lot.

AAAGHHHH! I am trying to get top surgery this year and I don’t want to talk about it! But also that’s dumb because I want my friends to know about it! Also, reading other people’s reflections about top surgery has been so, so fucking helpful to me over the years, and it would be nice to add to that informal pool of knowledge by periodically sharing stuff. Unfortunately I am deathly allergic to talking about myself on the internet, so I don’t know if I can do it. But it’s a thing that’s happening! I am going to get a referral letter from my therapist, and then I can schedule consultations!

I have no idea what I’m doing with gender. At some point I seem to have stopped identifying as nonbinary, and while I like being called a man but I don’t think I am a man, except for the part where sometimes I wonder if I’m a trans man who just doesn’t want to go on T, except for the part where I feel like a [redacted] who wants to disguise themself as a man. Look, I just live here. 

I have reached a point where she/her pronouns make me uncomfortable, instead of just feeling factually incorrect

I’ve realized that I have as much facial hair as my ex did when he was 3 months on T. I was wildly, desperately jealous of that facial hair at the time. That’s super weird.

I realized I’m thinking of this holiday as a trip to visit my parents, and I can’t wait to get home afterwards. But where is home? All my family still lives in the South, and there is stuff I miss here. All the little things, like the sound of Southern accents all around me and the way all the stores have ceiling fans turned on in the middle of December, and also the stars, and the horizon, and magnolia trees everywhere. But my life is in The City, and I feel at home when I cross the bridge at night and see all the lights against the water. Home is my shitty little apartment with my 12x6 room and sloping floors and my linden tree outside the window.

In general, it’s been a great year for Large Life Things: I graduated with my masters! And I started a great full time job! And I asked out the guy I’d had a crush on for almost four years! And it ended, but not in disaster, and we’re still friends! And I have kicked the ball that will eventually start knocking over dominoes on the way to having top surgery! Exciting cool stuff!

[allofthebeanz]

@ds30below

Okay!

So, back when I was 19 - just starting college - my mother finds this 90s tv show she used to watch and tells me it's something I'd really like. Spoilers: I love it. We start watching Due South (seasons 1 and 2, my schedule changed later) before I go to class. It's a fun and relaxing show, I don't really become obsessed with it like I have now.

My nineteenth year is probably the most informative year in my life. At this point, I know that I'm not heterosexual. I'm pretty sure I'm somewhere on the ace spectrum, but still attracted to men. Maybe women? Who's to say. (We're not even gonna go into Gender because Baby Beanz knew fucking nothing)

Anyways, after I was scarred from watching Victoria Secret, the first half of season 2 is pretty nice. I'm having a grand old time watching Ray talking to an old girlfriend who became a nun, and knowing basic narrative structure, I recognize immediately that Fraser going 'oh, I have to step in somewhere, bye Ray' means the classic cross dressing episode's upon us.

Here we go. Fraser walks in with his heels and his dress and his wig, and I'm ready to see how they're gonna reveal the classic 'gag' (yuck). And then... oh. What. The. Fuck?

My mom's literally sitting next to me, unaware of her child having a full out sexuality crisis. I'm blushing like an idiot. I'm questioning everything I ever knew. Oh my god, he looks like Xena, that's why I think he's pretty, that's all. Oh, wait, fuck, I think Xena's pretty. Is that normal? Is that a straight girl thing? What what what

It suddenly dawns on me that I have never reacted to Fraser this way before. Women are throwing themselves at him, overcome with lust like he's some Greek god, and all I've been is 'he looks nice :)'. That's it. And here's Fraser doing hair flips and licking shoes and a Tragic Backstory and I'm in dire need of a swooning couch.

Fraser returns to presenting masculine and you know what? I still have some moments where I blush at him and he's not a woman. No other male character does this to me. I explore out in the wild. No man in real life has had this reaction. I'm more confused than ever.

I dwell on this for a few months until it finally hits me: I like women. I am attracted to women. When my friend's mom asked me if Ares on xwp was hot I just sort of went ???. Just the other day I asked my sister 'why are all girls so pretty but there's only like one in ten men that look nice :/'. Holy shit, I'm gay

Only... why do I still find Fraser attractive? He's a guy, right? Well, apparently the brain went: that character is nonbinary/genderqueer. This has been my headcanon since this episode. I look at a picture of Paul Gross, a man, and I get nothing. Is he pretty? Duh. Is he attractive to me? Nope. But Fraser is. Fraser, who honestly you could argue is agender or genderless or somewhere along those lines. Not a man.

Benton Fraser literally was my queer awakening. This is why this show will always hold a special place in my heart

For History Week, who wants to know the story of how Benton Fraser made me realize I wasn't attracted to men?

[gelatomesomeironqrow]

My attempt at a character study on Dream of the Endless.

(Potential spoilers for those currently or planning on reading the comics)

Now, I have not yet read the comics (but after the show. I am definitely reading it now) so this is purely based on what I've seen from the show and from what I've read off of the wiki page. Anyways. I relate so much to Dream. Like ya'll have no idea.

So let's start with the basics. Dream is older than most if not all Gods. He's lived through and seen so much, he's had brief but fleeting relationships knowing that they will one day end. He's a very passionate and devoted lover/partner to the point where he is possessive and reacts extremely poorly to when these relationships he knows are going to end, end.

I'll briefly mention his comic book lovers/wives/partners before I go on to those who made it into the Live Action adaptation.

Killala of the Glow, Nada, Calliope, Titania, Alianora and Thessaly.

Alianora in particular was given one of his jewels and her own section of the Dreaming from my understanding.

From what I've read, way way way in the beginning of time, Dream was apparently more open with his feelings than what we see in the show and comics. But due to his meddling sibling Desire, he shuts down and keeps his feelings to himself. This doesn't stop him from forming strong attachments to people that develop into relationships. Each of them ends poorly. Sometimes because of Dream, sometimes because of Desire or sometimes because of the passing of time.

Anyways, Dream doesn't talk about his past relationships, the two I know about are the show ones and even then, it's probably not everything. So let's talk about Nada and Calliope.

Now I read some stuff about Nada and Dream's past, and all I have to say is that Desire admitting that Nada was a mistake is huge. It shows they feel bad about it. Probably mostly because it's the relationship that really made Dream shut his emotions down (probably why Desire continues to try to "ruin" him. In their own way, they probably just want him to open back up. Maybe.) Anyways, the relationship was not meant to be. Nada was young and fell hard for Dream whereas Dream became possessive. Which is a huge red flag. Them being together caused a higher entity to burn Nada's city to the ground and Nada in her grief blamed herself and their relationship and off'ed herself. Dream tracked his spirit down. Demanded her to become his queen of the Dreaming and when she refused, he threw her in Hell. Dream does eventually launch a rescue mission but still, kind of a harsh punishment and probably the only time I don't like Dream.

Anyways, from what I've read and seen, it does not look like this relationship was a sexual one.

Moving on to the only relationship Dream has had sexual relations to, my personal favorite.

Calliope. The muse. Their relationship is tragic and probably the only one that ended somewhat amicably. From my understanding anyways. They were in love, had a child who died young, and ended their relationship because of their grief. It happens all the time, parents whose child dies before they do, they can't stay together any longer. But yet, Dream still harbors deep attachment to her, even if he denied her request to visit him in the Dreaming. He probably would have said yes had she wanted to see him but he isn't ready to process or accept their child's death even though it had been thousands of years.

Now, why did I delve into his relationships? And why did I say I relate to him so much?

Because I believe him to be Ace or Demisexual. He is somewhere on the spectrum. Like I am. I can see it in his every move and decisions.

Asexuality is the lack of sexual attraction to others, or low or absent interest in or desire for sexual activity. 

He is an anthropomorphic representation of a human. He has appeared as a cat. I don't think him incapable of have sex (clearly since he had a child), I just personally don't think he is interested in sexual relations. He has strong attachments. He can get obsessive and/or possessive. He loves with everything and when it ends he either punishes his lover/partner and/or goes into a depressive state of being.

Sure he's been married. But some asexuals have been in relationships, alot of them successful. Communication is key to any healthy relationship. The point of it is, none of his relationships lasted. Again for various reasons but the general gist is that there was no communication. He expected alot out of his partners and when they failed to meet his expectations he lost interest (never attachment or subsequent feelings related to those attachments) but he was no longer interested in the relationship itself.

As far as I know, he has no other children and hasn't engaged in any other sexual acts.

He finds people intriguing only when they talk about dreams and stories, like when he is on his date with Hob and listens in to Will Shakespeare talk about wanting to inspire people, otherwise he walks around moping all the time. He literally dresses in black at all times and wears eyeliner. Not a representation of Asexual people, just an observation.

Heck, I'm in a relationship with someone and I'm Asexual. (And currently struggling to keep said relationship because I can't bring myself to tell my boyfriend I'm not interested in him like that. But I digress.)

Okay. Moving away from his relationships and sexuality.

He interacts with very few people. He has little to no friends. (I have little to no friends) he probably thinks the few people he is on good terms are exhausting and not worth the time half the time (again. I'm guilty of that). If he isn't an antisocial OCD perfectionist, I don't know what that makes me.

He has a very clear idea of what his job is and performs it well. He gets upset when things don't go his way. He prefers to handle things alone because he's convinced himself no one will help him. He won't ask for help so most of the time no one even knows he needs help.

(The one time he asked for help. Desire literally just sent him his next lover and said good luck, bye.)

He is stubborn and so so so depressed. But despite all of that, he finds something to keep himself going, he draws inspiration from his life and the people who visit his Dreaming at night. It took one visit from his sister to get him to go and see Hob Gadling who he admits is his boyfriend.

Like look at this gif and tell me they aren't flirting.

Anyways. Dream of the Endless is a complicated being that no one may ever truly figure out. He's definitely the embodiment of a wet cat.

I love him. He is doing amazing.

I need a season 2. ASAP.

[bluejayblueskies]

philautia

n. a love based on deep connection to one’s well-being and built upon a love for one’s self; a centered wholeness

Words: 2.3k

Fandom: The Magnus Archives

Relationship: Sasha James & Tim Stoker & Martin Blackwood & Jonathan Sims, Past Tim Stoker/Sasha James, Minor Jonathan Sims/Martin Blackwood

Characters: Tim Stoker, Martin Blackwood, Jonathan Sims, Sasha James

Additional Tags: AU - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Fluff and Humor, Statement Fic (but not in the way you expect!), Aromantic and Asexual Characters, Implied/Referenced Homophobia (very minor), Implied/Referenced Arophobia (also very minor)

Summary:

SASHA

So, according to Tim, I’m supposed to be recording a statement on, quote, my “most swashbucklingest experience as an esteemed member of the LGBT community.” He left this recorder on my desk and stole my scone. Timothy Stoker, I will not forget that.

---

Statements of members of the archival staff at the Magnus Institute, London, regarding certain facets of their aspec identities. Statements compiled by Timothy Stoker on 10th June, 2016. For personal use only.

Ao3 link in reblogs

Or read below:

[CLICK]

 MARTIN

 —really don’t think this is necessary—

 TIM

 Aaaaand we’re recording!

 MARTIN

 (exasperated) Tim.

 TIM

 Oh, come on Martin, it’s more fun this way!

 [MARTIN MAKES A NOISE OF DISAGREEMENT]

 TIM

 You cannot look me in the eye and tell me that this doesn’t appeal to your, and I quote, “retro aesthetic.”

 MARTIN

 (reluctantly) It… might.

 TIM

 See! So it’s perfect!

 …

 [HE SIGHS]

 Obviously you don’t have to if you don’t want to, Martin. I just thought it might be nice—to have something to look back on when we’re all old and sick of each other, you know? Here, I can go first.

 MARTIN

 Tim, you don’t have to—

 TIM

 (overlapping, adopting the ‘Archivist’ voice) Statement of Timothy Stoker, regarding the first time he went to Pride with his brother, Danny. June 10th, 2016.

 (cheekily) Statement begins.

 TIM (STATEMENT)

 (in his normal voice) I realized I was into blokes too when I was 15, you know. Think it took me a while because of the whole ace thing, though that took me until I was in uni to really figure out. I was still fine with sex, you know, always enjoyed it when it came up, just… never really wanted it with anyone in particular. So I suppose I’d assumed for a while that the things I was feeling toward other guys weren’t romantic because I never had the sexual parts to go along with them. (with wry humor) Almost ruined a few relationships that way, actually.

 But I’m getting a bit off-topic. Can’t be one of those rambling statement givers Jon hates. God, I can see his face now, that thing he does with his nose—Martin, you know the one, the- the way it looks like he’s just smelled something really, really rank.

 MARTIN

 I thought you said you weren’t going to ramble.

 TIM

 Cheeky, cheeky. Okay, where was I. Right.

 TIM (STATEMENT)

 Mom and Dad weren’t real big on the whole bi thing, so the first time I got the chance to go to Pride was in uni. The first time I got the chance to go with Danny was after he turned 18 and got his first modeling gig. At least, I think he was already modeling back then. Point is, we were both out of the house, and Danny had been dying to go to Pride with me ever since I sent him pictures of me and Sasha eating an entire box of rainbow-colored donuts that first year. I’d figured out I was ace by then, but it had been pretty recent, so when we got there, I found one of the vendors selling those big flags you drape over your shoulders and got an ace one. Felt a bit weird having the ace flag instead of the bi one like the other years, but I had worn that pink, blue, and purple button-down Sasha got me for Christmas once, so overall, it felt all right.

 And Danny—god, he loved it. Pretty sure he ate his weight in fried food that day.

 [HE LAUGHS]

 Almost got the aro flag he’d borrowed from Sasha dirty, actually, when he—

 (quickly changes course) Ah, nothing! Sasha, if you’re listening to this, absolutely nothing happened to your flag, and I definitely did not have it laundered before I returned it to you.

 TIM

 Aaaaand that’s it! Statement ends, I guess.

 See—easy! (a bit more seriously) But really—you don’t have to record one if you don’t want to, Martin.

 MARTIN

 …

 No, I- I want to.

 TIM

 Are you sure? I don’t want you to do that thing where you just do something because you think someone else wants you to.

 MARTIN

 I do not—!

 …

 Okay, okay, fine. Point taken. But yeah, I- I’m sure.

 [RUSTLING AS THE TAPE RECORDER IS PASSED FROM TIM TO MARTIN]

 MARTIN

 (with an audible smile) Statement of, er, Martin Blackwood. Regarding… a crush. No, no, wait—god, that sounds so juvenile. Regarding himself, and a person who- er, someone whom he—

 [HE SIGHS]

 Fine. Regarding a crush. Statement given June 10th, 2016.

 Statement begins.

 MARTIN (STATEMENT)

 I’m always a little embarrassed to tell people that I’ve never dated anyone before? Okay, a- a lot embarrassed, actually. I try not to bring it up, but people will say things like, oh, you know how it is to shop for a partner or meeting her parents is definitely nerve-wracking—which is wrong on, er, two accounts, actually—and then I feel more awkward not telling them that I don’t know, actually, because I’ve never been in a relationship longer than a week or so. Then, they’ll get all sympathetic, like it’s some- some tragedy that I’m not involved with someone, and that’s worse, because then they’ll offer to set me up with people, or say that they don’t understand why I’m single because I’m a catch or whatever, and I have to give them some excuse about not interested at the moment.

 It’s not that, not really. Dates with strangers, they- they just never work out for me.

 I think I fall somewhere on the aromantic spectrum? I didn’t think about it much until Sasha mentioned it once over drinks—I think you were there, Tim, although you were (laughs) very drunk by that point. I told her I hadn’t had a crush on anyone since sixth form, and she threw around a bunch of terms. I- I honestly don’t really remember, it was kind of overwhelming and (laughs) I was also pretty drunk as well. But yeah, it… it sounds about right.

 (hesitantly, as if bracing himself for impact) So… this person. Who I, er. Recently, that is, who I…

 [HE CLEARS HIS THROAT]

 It’s really strange, that’s all. And a- a lot. I—heh—I don’t really know what to do about it.

 MARTIN

…

 Uh, statement ends? I guess? I, uh, don’t really have anything else to say. (jokingly) It’s not like there’s any, er, follow-up or whatever. (to Tim) Was- was that okay?

 TIM

 (audibly smiling) Yup! Most excellent, Marto. (more seriously) You felt okay, right?

 MARTIN

 (huh) Yeah. Yeah, I- I did. A bit nice, actually. (quickly) As- as long as this stays in the archives, though. It… it is staying in the archives, right?

 TIM

 Oh, definitely. Right next to the section on love potions, I think.

 MARTIN

 Tim!

 TIM

 (laughs) Yes, Martin, it’s staying in the archives. Pinkie promise. Just you, me, Sasha, and Jon. (in the tone of a man who knows a great secret and wants nothing more than to share it) Speaking of Jon—

 MARTIN

 (quickly) Uh, recording ends!

 TIM

 (undeterred) —is he the—?

 [CLICK]

.

 [CLICK]

 SASHA

 Right. So, according to Tim, I’m supposed to be recording a statement on, quote, my “most swashbucklingest experience as an esteemed member of the LGBT community.” He left this recorder on my desk and stole my scone. Timothy Stoker, I will not forget that. It was white chocolate raspberry, and I’m stealing the money it cost out of your wallet.

 …

 Anyway.

[SHE CLEARS HER THROAT]

 Statement of Sasha James, given 10th June 2016. Subject of statement is… hmm. Let’s say… (laughs) A brief relationship with one Timothy Stoker.

 Statement begins.

 SASHA (STATEMENT)

 Tim, I know you’re listening to this, and I just want to preface this by saying that yes, it was Italian that we had for dinner that night, not Greek. You’re thinking of a different friendship-turned-hookup-turned-awkward-aftermath-turned-friendship.

 [SHE LAUGHS QUIETLY]

 Anyway, I guess the best place to begin with this whole thing is by saying that I’ve known I was aro since I was 16 and that I’ve never been very good at talking about it. I’ve ended plenty of tried and failed relationships with the it’s-not-you-it’s-me talk because I didn’t know how to explain that I just… wasn’t interested in romance.

 I wanted to explain it to you beforehand, Tim, I really, really did. We’ve had this conversation, I know I know—I won’t rehash it over tape.

 [SHE SIGHS]

 But the important thing is that I like you so, so much, and—god, this is stupid—I guess maybe I thought that it wouldn’t matter with you? That you could like me romantically and I could like you platonically and it would be fine. Like I said, stupid, but you asked me out to that Italian place—yes, Italian, for god’s sake, I had the chicken parm and you had some sort of lasagna abomination—and I just… couldn’t say no. And it was nice, really. I had a lot of fun.

 And then we slept together. And… that was really nice. But then, the next morning, the… the guilt set in. Because I felt the same as I always had about you—which is to say that I loved you, just not in the same way you loved me—and I became convinced that I’d gone and ruined the whole thing.

 Ignoring you for a week was probably not the correct response. (quieter) Yeah, definitely not my finest moment. But I’d gotten it in my head that the moment I told you that I didn’t feel that way about you and that I would never feel that way about you—or about anyone—you’d hate me. And you don’t have to say that you’d never hate me—I know you wouldn’t. I think I knew it then, too. But fear is a powerful thing.

 …

 Anyway, you know how it all turned out. You finally dragged me out to coffee and I finally told you why I’d been avoiding you and it was really, really awkward for about a month after that and then it just… wasn’t anymore. (audibly smiling) And you’re still my best friend, Tim. Even if you did steal my scone.

 [THE SOUND OF PAPERS RUSTLING AND A CHAIR ROLLING BACKWARD]

 Recording ends.

 [CLICK]

 .

 [CLICK]

 ARCHIVIST

 Statement of Kyle Henning, regarding a strange mushroom he found growing in his garden. Original statement given April 15th, 2011. Audio recording by Jonathan Sims, Head Archivist of the Magnus Institute, London.

 Statement begi—

 [DOOR OPENS]

 TIM

 Hey boss! Got a moment?

 ARCHIVIST

 (irritated) Tim, please at least knock when the door to my office is closed. I was just about to record a statement.

 TIM

 (unbothered) So if you were about to, that means you’re not recording one right now, which means you do have a moment.

 ARCHIVIST

 (flatly) Shut the door on your way out, Tim.

 TIM

 (brightly) Right you are, boss! Juuuust going to leave this here on your desk. Bring it back whenever you’re done!

 [PAPERS RUSTLE AS SOMETHING IS PLACED ON THE DESK]

 ARCHIVIST

 (dryly) I’m fairly certain that I’m the one who assigns you tasks to complete, Tim.

 TIM

 That you do! I guess I better get back to them then. Have fun!

 ARCHIVIST

 (firmly) Tim—

 [DOOR CLOSES]

 [HE SIGHS]

 ARCHIVIST

 Right. Well, given that this recording is essentially useless now and I hadn’t even gotten to the statement, I may as well start over. (mutters under his breath) Bloody waste of tape and my time—

 [CLICK]

 .

 [CLICK]

 [PAPERS RUSTLE. FOR A MOMENT, THERE IS ONLY THE SOUND OF BREATHING. THEN, JON SIGHS.]

 ARCHIVIST

 Before I begin, I would like to make it very clear that this is not an appropriate use of working hours or the tape recorders, which should be used for statements that won’t record digitally as per Elias’s request.

 …

 That being said, I am… not entirely opposed to this project. So, I suppose…

 [HE CLEARS HIS THROAT]

 Statement of Jonathan Sims, Head Archivist of the Magnus Institute, London, regarding… regarding a black ring worn on the middle finger of his right hand. Statement recorded by subject, June 10th, 2016.

 Statement begins.

 ARCHIVIST (STATEMENT)

 I’ve often been told that I am not a very open person. I don’t necessarily intend to be closed-off, but I’ve also never found the need to disclose every aspect of my personal life to everyone I come into contact with. And yes, Tim—because I trust that you and you alone will be listening to this tape—that is a perfectly respectable way to live one’s life. Not everyone needs to know what I ate for breakfast that morning or who my favorite primary school teacher was.

 …

 I… will admit, though, that in certain circumstances, I… could probably stand to be more transparent regarding aspects of my personal life. Perhaps that’s why Georgie bought me the ring.

 It wasn’t a special occasion. She just brought it back from the shop one day, a few weeks after a… particularly illuminating conversation about certain sexual identities, and dropped it atop my copy of Wuthering Heights. Honestly, I had no idea what it was at first. I- (heh) I tried to make a joke about unorthodox proposals, but I- I don’t really think it landed. Georgie just looked at me and said that she’d seen it on one of the online forums, that it was called an ace ring, and that she thought I might like it. I think I was more surprised about the fact that the ring fit perfectly than at the fact that she’d bought me the ring in the first place.

 So I wore it. And it felt… nice. Understand, I don’t keep quiet about my romantic and sexual identities out of shame or embarrassment or indecision; I simply don’t feel the need to announce them at any given moment. So I’ve always been fond of small things—pins and stickers and such—that I can incorporate into my life, insignificant enough that they aren’t readily apparent to anyone but me, as they’re for me more than for anyone else. My ring is one such thing.

 [THERE IS A MOMENT OF SILENCE. MORE WORDS SIT IN THE AIR, WAITING. EVENTUALLY, HOWEVER, HE SIGHS, AND THE WORDS REMAIN UNSAID.]

 ARCHIVIST

 Statement ends.

 …

 Right.

 (with something that might be a smile) As for your other request, I do have a prior engagement with Georgie and Melanie this weekend. Though if you’re willing to accommodate two more, I’m sure they wouldn’t be opposed to coming along. Georgie’s always telling me that Pride is more fun when you’re with a group, after all.

 End recording.

 [CLICK]

[dreamii-yume]

(1/2) This one is pretty dark, lets take Crowley's incompetence to the logical conclusion, also the fact that despite what everybody says I think the player is meant to be a girl disguising as a boy. Beastmen (aka the Savannaclaw students) have a very keen sense of smell and despite reader's efforts, they find out shes in fact a female. Now leaving a sole female in a place filled with aggressive, horny dudes is never a good idea. This is where the angst/tragedy kicks in (continue in second ask)

Anonymous asked :

(3/3)-→ in a pool of her own blood, her skin laden with bruises and other unmentionable things. The ‘Claw students learnt about her secret and offered to leave her alone if she had sex with them, when she she refused they took her by force, but got carried away and she died in the process. What follows is complete chaos, students screaming in the halls, the dorm heads demanding the culprit to show themselves, Grim crying and screaming as other students enter the bathroom...

Since this scenario request wasn’t specified for any character, why not write for everyone? ƪ(˘⌣˘)ʃ For that reason alone, I’m going to title requests like these as “Imagine a dream with Yume” for easy distinction! (΄◉◞౪◟◉｀)

Also, was this request supposed to be split into three parts? I checked my inbox over and over again but I only received two though? Hm, weird.

♥︎♥︎♥︎♥︎♥︎

Such an unfortunate thing to happen to someone so loved...

♥︎♥︎♥︎♥︎♥︎

It hurts.

Everything hurts.

Your vision was getting clouded over, dark spots slowly appearing one by one as unfamiliar hands travelled everywhere in your bare body. Who they belong to, you didn’t know and you didn’t care, you wanted nothing more right now but to throw them off you. Tears cascaded down your cheeks, struggling as someone’s grip on your throat tightened, forcing broken sobs to escape you. You tried to claw your freedom out, you tried moving your legs but each of your limbs were being held against your will. Even with the ringing that was slowly pulsating through your ears, you could still hear their awful snarls and comments, cruel laughter echoed throughout the bathroom walls.

“Hey, dude! Aren’t you being too rough? Little girly’s turning a bit blue, don’t you think?”

“Nah, she’ll be fine! God, she just feels so good, I can’t help but to lose myself!”

Bruises had begun forming on your body, anywhere your skin could expose itself to. Your usually healthy skin tone was now dirtied by these disgusting purplish marks and wounds, some still had been bleeding for a concerning amount of time now. You gasped desperately as the lack of air was seriously becoming a big problem for you, but they wouldn’t know that. No matter how much you struggle, they didn’t care, they didn’t even notice how much you wanted to voice out your complaints, but just have no way to do so. Instead, their voices got louder, more excited as the pain in your bottom region increased.

You knew there were risks of attending an all-boys magical school as a cross-dressing girl. You knew that it wasn’t going to be easy, but where else can you go? It’s not like you wanted to be in Twisted Wonderland in the first place, you needed somewhere to stay. Besides, seeing your monster companion, Grimm getting so worked up after finally getting accepted, even as a half-student brought you unimaginable amount of joy. Until you could find a way to get back to your world, you’ll just stick around for as long as you can because you personally thought it was fun.

...Or at least, it was supposed to be fun even with all the risks.

But ending up at the mercy of a bunch of rowdy, good-for-nothing teenagers, coming from different dorms was definitely not a risk that you regretfully did not include to that list. They must be bored, to have taken the time to thoroughly confront you about exposing your true gender like this and using that secret against yours even though you were sure that you have been so careful all this time. The headmaster and Grimm were the only ones that know, probably the Dark Mirror as well, but you were careful enough that even Ace and Deuce who you spend so much time with have never even showed a single gaze of suspicion. You’ve met so much nice and kind individuals in this academy, even if some weren’t so obvious about it at first, that you forgot about the other side of the spectrum. This, you forgot about this, the dark side to every good side.

Night Raven College’s reputation would suffer if the word got out about it accepting a female without a single shred of magic within herself. Two automatically disqualified qualities from a prestigious school, that’s what Headmaster Crowley told you. You didn’t want to contribute to that, but you didn’t want to agree with what the men wanted from you. You may not be the most refined lady out there, but you have dignity like everyone else. Wanting to play with your body in exchange of your secret not getting out was definitely not a fair deal.

But it didn’t matter, it seemed.

Because before you knew it, they were all over you, dragging you one night in a bathroom unused when the moon is out. You were powerless, not just in terms of strength but in terms of magical proficiency, these were students who can pin you down with a single bat of their magical pens, you stood no chance. You screamed, you struggled, you cried, but it was all for naught, they got you where they wanted you. They took turns, filling you up in all your holes with no mercy, their hands fiddling with your flesh way too rough, biting you until you bleed, and even have the audacity to contaminate you with their disgusting seed. There was no love, no care, just brutality and vile, selfish thoughts they wanted to satisfy.

You just wanted them to get over with it already, to just leave you alone. It sickens you to wonder how these men could even walk again tomorrow, acting like nothing happened, acting like they hadn’t just ruined your life. You hated this, you wanted to go back to your dorm, to talk bedtime stories with Grimm. You wanted to walk to school again tomorrow with your fellow first years with a smile on your faces. You wanted to know more about your seniors and listen to their stories way back when they were still in their younger years.

You still wanted to do so much, much more in this unfamiliar world! But...

“Hey...Hey! Wait...! Stop! Fuck! She’s not breathing!”

...It seems like you were never going to live through those moments again.

Your lungs had given up on you, unable to pump any more oxygen to keep your heart pumping. You vision fades as the rest of your body shuts down, you stopped struggling and your limbs fall lifelessly. The hands on your throat loosened but it was far too late, the bone keeping your neck intact had been fractured from the sheer pressure. The panicked state of the perpetrators reflected themselves in your now hollow eyes, as they began to scramble, realizing what just happened. Funny, the rest of your body functions had given up, yet your hearing seemed to be the longest to stay up, at least enough to hear their voices, laced in fear.

“Idiot! I told you, you were being too rough! You straight up killed her!”

“H-How am I supposed to know that!? Don’t blame me! You were the one holding her down!”

“Aah...! W-What are we supposed to do...!?”

You would’ve had a sadistic satisfaction from the way they are acting, the regret building up in their minds. It serves them right but what was the point? Anyone could tell they were being regretful because they’re the ones who’s going to be in trouble, not because they regretted their actions towards you. In the end, they just blamed each other and went their own ways, teleporting without even bothering to fix your current state. Your major injuries were still fresh and bleeding without stop, they didn’t even try to at least clean that up? How rude.

An unfortunate ending isn’t it? No one would’ve expected a plot twist as gruesome as this one. This girl knew she was going to leave this world someday, this whole world of Twisted Wonderland. She doesn’t belong here and she certainly have people waiting for her in her own world. She knew that, she was a lot more aware than anyone after all. It’s just that this lone woman did not expect that she would be leaving both worlds at the same, the universe all throughout.

Ah...You just wished that this universe had given you more time, just enough to at least say goodbye to everyone first.

♥︎♥︎♥︎♥︎♥︎

Continue the...Sweetness???

This is just sad. Yume and my Darlings needs a hug. (´；Д；`)

[incorrect-hs-quotes]

oohohoho you just opened the deepest can of worms on the planet

-mod dave, who wrote a fucking ten mile essay

first off, addressing the second anon, no theyre all humans. h., half humans at least. cause yall know me i fucking love my humanstuck aus off my ASS

(that would be funny as hell though. a troll from space walking into a camp on earth going “I AM THE SON OF ONE OF YOUR EARTH GODS. BITCH” like... holy shit)

so first things first their parents. im gonna lay this out, the beta kids and trolls are all greek (EXCEPT sollux hes roman cause his parent has no greek equivalent), and all the alpha kids and trolls are those gods roman equivalents (,,EXCEPT dirk cause he kinda balances sollux being roman out). i havent figured out how thatd happen like 16+ times yet cause in the percy jackson books theres only ever been one instance of two siblings of the same godly descent being greek and roman respectively in HISTORY so like.. i guess th. i guess thats just not a problem in this au

anyway this gets really long so im gonna talk about the beta kids and trolls cause i havent elaborated on the alphas at all ((peep the tags if you wanna see their parents though))

johns the son of zeus, rose is the daughter of athena, dave is the son of apollo, and jade is the daughter of demeter. they were all raised in their respective states, all had to come to new york for various reasons. jades been there the longest, shes been there 9 years and shes been on a couple quests. her biggest accomplishment so far is how she protected the camp from this big vicious angry hellhound that got past the barrier. naturally the girls fluent in Dog Training, so she steps up and instead of trying to kill this thing, she reaches out and tames it as fast as she can. it ends up actually working, and ever since that day she, her cabin, and the camp have a whole bodyguard sleeping right outside the demeter cabin! hes her steed in battle and hes a Very Good Boy. and his name is becquerel

johns the newest kid at camp, he has no idea who he is or why the fuck his school got attacked or why in the hell those anemoi thuellai were so fixated on him or HOW in the hell he absorbed the lightning one threw at him and ended up fine,,, hes just a big mess right now. a big enough mess that when he got claimed by literally zeus, no one else was around, he shrugged it off as some basic magical happening, and he stayed in the hermes cabin far longer than he should have cause no one! fucking knew he got claimed! by zeus of all people! dumbass. he ends up figuring it out though. like an off-hand mention about how this “weird lightning thing appeared above my head a couple weeks ago, haha weird right?” once he figures it out he realizes “hey i might be able to fly” so he sneaks off into the woods to try it. he succeeds fairly quickly but god almighty everyones face the one day the dude just yote himself off a small cliff without warning,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

dave and rose are really tight, theyve been there roughly the same time length, and since their cabins are across from each other they just bother each other all the time. daves the resident Doctor even though he really doesnt look it cause hes got the apollo powers. apollo is the medicine god. so if you wound your stupid ass in battle daves in the ER room patching you up with his glowy hands. rose on the other hand is a very good strategist. shes one of the only athena kids ever recorded to actually have a power - telekinesis. she has no idea how she developed it, she thinks its from birth, but it freaks her out. shes training it though.

so the beta trolls, are also all human(ish). aradias hades kid. but i pulled a pjo trope on her based on one of my favorite characters (im not saying for spoilers, but if you recognize the situation, You Probably Know Who Its Based Off) and aradia died. her mom, the handmaid, had been pulling some Shady Ass Shit and ended up getting herself killed, but aradia tried saving her and ended up going down with her.

so handmaid gets sentenced to the fields of punishment in the underworld, and aradia gets sentenced to elysium, heroes paradise. shes like “no i want my mom to be okay” so they take that away from aradia and they put them both in the fields of asphodel, the neverending grey space for Not So Good But Not So Bad people. her mom becomes a shade (shadow spirit, no human resemblance), as all people do, but aradia. doesnt? and she gets dunked in the fucking river lethe and if you dont know what that does it erases your memory. so she just. comes out of the river like “hello? wgat tae fukc goin on??” but she still remembers one thing. there was an “a” in her name.

tavros is the son of hermes, hes just kinda taken on the role of backup counselor for when the actual cabin counselor is out. hes in a wheelchair, but he also has prosthetic legs for when he needs to actually stand up and fight. hes really good at it too. also catch him in winged converse cause he Owns Those and Uses Them To His Advantage. hes trying his best to keep focused on the camp, cause aradia was his childhood friend, he misses her a whole lot, she never got to camp in the first place. and to his knowledge, shes still dead.

sollux is a janus kid. thats a problem cause janus is roman, and this is a greek camp. he grew up with dave, he showed up with dave, hes been at camp as long as dave. but hes been unclaimed since he showed up so he thinks hes unwanted by whatever parent he has. he knows hes a demigod, he got through the camp barriers, so what the fuck is wrong with him? he also feels shitty cause hes shit at the greek lessons, he cant read a lick of it which literally every demigod without exception should be able to do, he cant name any gods- well, he can, but.. he gets their names mixed up. why does he keep calling poseidon “neptune”? and he has a much, much different way of natural fighting than other kids. they slice, he jabs. he wasnt taught to jab. 

karkat is an aphrodite kid with vitiligo, and to make matters worse, hes ace and on the aro spectrum. to make matters WORSE, the aphrodite kids are kinda notorious for being really shallow, really materialistic, and really mean. karkats been dubbed the “runt” of the cabin, he gets made fun of for his spots to the point where he uses make up and magic to conceal them. worst of all? hes the kid of the goddess of love, for fucks sake. being reminded that “loveless people shouldnt be able to stay in this cabin, mom must have made a mistake claiming you” is kind of.. a blow to the self esteem. long story short he hates aphrodite for claiming him, and would have rather stayed in the hermes cabin. but he eventually goes on this big quest thats vague as fuck right now but Its The Main Plot, he ends up proving to himself that hes worth something and that his siblings are wrong, and my FAVORITE LINE IN THE WHOLE THING i came up with is HIS when he deals a final blow to some big monster: “REMEMBER MY FACE THE NEXT TIME YOU REINCARNATE. MY NAME IS KARKAT VANTAS, I’M THE SON OF APHRODITE, AND LOOKS CAN KILL.”

nepeta isnt anywhere near developed as others are unfortunately, shes a daughter of ares and shes really really good at hand to hand combat. shes small but she leads groups of people in things ranging from camp volleyball games to actual literal wars. shes a tough little shit

kanaya isnt really developed either, i have yet to figure out most of her powers too actually, shes a daughter of iris, the rainbow goddess though. (blatant reference to both kanayas vampirism and. h. her. sh. es ga. gay) ONE THING SHE CAN DO THOUGH is iris message at will without water or drachmas so really shes just everyones go to cell phone and its fucking hilarious cause people just come into the cabin like “KANAYA I NEED TO TALK TO [X]” and shes like “You Better Fucking Pay Me I Am Not Your Personal Cell Phone”

terezi is the daughter of nemesis and she has this really peculiar power she hasnt really gotten the hang of yet. she has synesthesia, so while she cant see she can smell and taste the colors of her surroundings and its really helpful. sometimes though she gets messages from her mom. they dont even come as dreams half the time, they come as almost a different plane altogether. tez has the power to literally tip the scales, pretty much. and when she gets like that, she can see. shes not on earth though, shit on earth stops when shes like that. shes just kinda In Her Own Head, i guess? and in her head she holds the two scales in her hands. she is the arms of the scale. and depending on which one she lifts up, she can literally alter the fate of the battle or happening thats going on By Herself. once she chooses she just whooshes back to real life though and nothing has changed. the only downside? it takes a LOT of energy and cant be exploited for little things. her one thing on her bucket list is to tap into said powers while getting something from a vending machine so like three things will fall out but it hasnt happened yet and shes upset

vriskas a daughter of tyche, the luck goddess, come the fuck on you knew i was gonna, i havent really elaborated on her either and im upset about that. but hey now you get a break from all those fucking paragraphs

equius is a hephaestus kid, and he kinda stays in the background. hes a range fighter, he spends a lot of time in the forge, and even though its been a project looooong since forgotten, hes been excavating the tunnels under cabin nine for years. by himself. he has no idea where they lead, but dammit hes gonna find out where. he has no idea about a certain bunker in the woods though...

gamzees just there for a fucking laugh tbh hes a son of dionysus and i love that cause hes the god of wine and parties and insanity. usually gamzees just zoning out somewhere hes Not supposed to be, and hes not affected by the maenads FUCKED UP BULLSHIT that goes down the forest sometimes. also hes so fucking scared of tavroses wing shoes he tried them on once while he was high and JESUS CHRIST

eridan is the son of kymopoleia, a SUPER obscure goddess. lets just say dont fuck with eridan cause his mom is the goddess of violent sea storms,

and naturally, feferi is the daughter of poseidon. cause who the FUCK else would she be the daughter of. WHO. NAME ONE GOD

OH AND JUST CAUSE I FORGOT CALLIE AND CALIBORN ARE SATYRS IN THIS AU. CALLIE HAS PAN PIPES. and caliborn still has a gun

[eldritchsurveys]

1071.

Do you know anyone who can play the bagpipes? >> Not personally. There’s a busker who plays them at the farmer’s market sometimes, though.

Where would your dream wedding be? >> My actual wedding was held in New Orleans, which was perfect to me.

Are you comfortable with your body? >> Not entirely.

If you saw a ghost, would you be more scared or intrigued? >> Intrigued, I’d assume. It’s possible I’d be afraid, though. I don’t know anything about ghost appearances, so maybe they’re more frightening than I’d imagine.

Where do you go/want to go to college? >> ---

Which is better: soccer or American football? >> ---

When was the last time you had a peanut butter and jelly sandwich? >> I had a peanut butter sandwich last night, but I don’t remember the last time I had one with jelly on it.

Do you write poetry? >> Not usually.

Do you drink energy drinks? If so, what kind? >> No.

Do you believe in God/some kind of higher power? >> Something like that.

Which is the best color for a t-shirt: black, white or gray? >> Black. Grey is good too.

Is there anyone you just can't get off your mind lately? >> I mean, maybe.

Do you try to be a moral person? >> I mean, my morals are pretty easy to follow. I don’t really have to try that hard to not be a dick.

What's the hottest wing sauce you can handle? >> I don’t know how to judge that. It’s not like I know where every hot sauce I like places on the Scoville scale or anything.

Have you ever used the bathroom on a charter bus? >> Maybe? I don’t know.

Do you think people can be overweight and still attractive? >> -___-

Which do you prefer: old school rap or the stuff on the radio now? >> My preference for rap is all over the place, there’s no specific era that I prefer.

What is your opinion of Lady Gaga? >> I like some of her music.

Do you care about politics at all? >> Not to the extent most people do.

Has a best friend ever turned against you? >> ---

Is AC/DC one of your favorite bands of all time? >> No.

Do you feel a little thrill of excitement whenever Halloween is mentioned? >> No, I feel that way about Christmas.

Are you easily embarrassed? >> No.

Can you get a tan or do you just burn? >> I just get a little darker... since I’m already dark...

When you get a pint of Ben & Jerry's or Haagen-Dazs do you eat the whole thing in one sitting, or does it last a while? >> I don’t eat ice cream. I do eat gelato, but I definitely cannot eat a whole pint in one sitting. That sounds miserable to me.

Have you ever dreamed you could fly? >> No.

Have you ever gotten a text from someone and you have no idea how they got your number, or who they were? >> Yeah, that happened a lot in the first couple of years I had this number. I still have no idea why.

Do you care if people swear around you? >> No.

When you see two people of the same sex kissing, do you judge them? >> This kind of question never ceases to baffle me.

Do you like to light random things on fire just to watch them burn? >> No.

Do you have any medication you have to take every day? >> Not that I have to take every day, like for a disorder or anything. I take the Pill because I want to.

Do you have any illnesses or disorders with acronyms? (ADHD, OCD...) >> Yes.

Would you rather own a purebred dog, a designer dog (Yorkiepoo, Labradoodle, Puggle), or a mutt? >> Whatever caught my eye at the shelter/rescue.

Have you ever had chicken/pork/tofu/shrimp vindaloo? If so, isn't it YUMMY?? >> Probably.

Do you wear more costume jewelry or expensive jewelry? >> I mean, that’s two ends of a spectrum. The jewelry I wear is usually somewhere in the middle.

Are you jealous of people who seem effortlessly cool? >> I’m envious of people who seem comfortable with themselves, but I also know that it’s possible for me to be the same way with some work and time. And by “some” I mean “a pretty dedicated effort”.

When someone you have a crush on walks by, do your knees get weak? >> ---

Does that ever cause you to trip and/or fall? >> ---

Has anyone ever pointed out that your laugh was unusual? >> No.

Are you addicted to anything that's not considered an addictive substance? >> No.

Did you ever get stuck sitting alone or with the teacher on a field trip? >> ---

Do you know anyone who's been abused by a partner or spouse? >> Yes. Unfortunately, “of course” is the first thing that popped into my head, and the second thing was “... holy shit, that’s fucked up”. It should not be that fucking common.

How tough do you think gun control policies should be? >> Tough.

Have you ever donated blood? If not, why not? >> No. Because I’m chronically iron-deficient and therefore ineligible.

Are you proud of yourself? Why or why not? >> Sometimes I am, most of the time I’m not.

Do you ever wish you could be the opposite sex for a day? >> No.

Would you rather read fiction, history, or historical fiction? >> Any of the three, as long as the specific subject matter and writing style was interesting to me.

Have you ever been in a play or a musical? >> I was in a summer-theater production of Annie as a preteen.

What brand of deodorant do you use? >> Dove.

Do you have a laptop? If so, does the charger work well? I wish mine did :( >> Yeah, the charger works fine. I mean, you can just replace those if they stop working well...

[neveralarch]

ohhhh please do allez. star emoji

Allez is the fic that nearly fucking killed me, it was soooo frustrating. But successful in the end I think! Thank you for asking about it, apparently I desperately wanted to spill out the process behind writing it. Very long response under the cut, including a NSFW/adult excerpt from a previous version of the fic. If you have any questions about specific lines in the fic definitely lmk, bc I basically just yelled about writing here and very little about the actual plot or anything haha.

It's very weird for me to have a long fic or a series that I actually WANT to continue - usually I write a thing and then I'm done with it (and sometimes just done with the fandom altogether), which I know can be kind of frustrating to the readers who were hoping for more. But fencing fic is just like this WELL, I have all of this stuff from it I want to splash out on the pavement for people to look at, and it's been super fun to just invite those questions and prompts that people have and see if I can get anything out of the well for those.

Neery left a comment on Passe (the last main fic) that said in part "If you're taking prompts for this universe, I'd love to see more of Wheeljack's and Starscream's relationship, especially their first time (because you can't tell me Starscream wasn't a neurotic mess about it)." And I went YEAH and then hopped into chat with Dez ( @sauntervaguelydown ) and basically just banged out the whole plot while a) tipsy after a party and then b) the next morning in between refereeing at a fencing tournament. Which was probably a good set of states to be thinking about this fic.

At first I was thinking of this as a short five times fic, basically showing a set of sex failures followed by sex success, because I love bad sex becoming good sex in fic. But the more I thought about it the more serious it got, because it was so tangled up in my head with this idea of what 'good' sex actually is and who gets to decide if you're having good sex. This is a little TMI but I also became sexually active in the last couple years and I've been spending a lot of time trying to figure out what the difference between fantasy and physical desire is as a person who used to be and maybe still is on the ace spectrum somewhere. And (again) what the distinction is between 'good sex' and 'sex I want to have.' So the more I worked on this the more all of that started spilling onto the page.

I also felt a little uncertain about where I left Starscream and Wheeljack in the main fics. I think they can and will be happy, but the undercurrent in the series is that Starscream is still really hung up on Megatron while also recognizing how much Megatron fucked him over, while Wheeljack is furious at Megatron both for what he did to Starscream and for what he perceives Megatron to have done to fencing in general. Starscream's half of that undercurrent gets resolved in the main series, but Wheeljack's half doesn't and it felt like I needed to tackle that in Allez.

I figured this would be an easy fic to write even though I wanted it to be more serious because I knew exactly what the goals were and exactly what the plot was. And then I started writing it and walked straight into a wall. I wrote 2600 words from Starscream's pov, which was FUN but meant that Wheeljack was just... there. Hanging around and being a Good Boyfriend while Starscream panicked.

Starscream flashed a grin, trying to look like a confident mech-about-town who you could trust with your connectors. He could do this. It would be slow and soft and nice, everything you were supposed to do with your sweetspark. And it would feel amazing, because he liked Wheeljack and he wanted to be with him.

"Starscream?" Wheeljack was leaning back a little. "What's that look about?"

"Nothing." Starscream snapped his panel back, transforming his array so the plug was uppermost. "Just thinking about how much I want you."

Wheeljack's optics softened, and his panel opened. His own array transformed into the compatible configuration, plug below his socket. Frag, this was going to be good. Starscream wanted to shove Wheeljack down and slam their arrays together, or for Wheeljack to shove Starscream on his back and ride Starscream's plug until Starscream was begging for the reciprocal connection, desperate for charge.

But Starscream didn't do any of those things, because he was trying to do this right. Instead he leaned back and spread his legs, pulling Wheeljack in by his shoulder to rest between them. Wheeljack's optics were glistening as he eased forward, and they both gasped as their arrays met. The tips of their prongs breached their sockets, and that first tingle of charge was everything Starscream had wanted.

Wheeljack was careful, so careful as he pressed forward, micrometer by micrometer. The charge was a teasing tingle crawling from Starscream's array to the tips of his wings. Wheeljack leaned forward and kissed Starscream as they slipped a little closer together, and it was all perfectly dull.

No. Perfect, it was perfect. The charge wasn't supposed to come in rolling waves that nearly knocked you offline, and your partner wasn't supposed to wrestle you down to the berth while you tried to throw them off. This was the way good mechs fragged. Good mechs like Wheeljack, and like the mech Starscream was pretending to be.

"Starscream," murmured Wheeljack.

Starscream squeezed his optics shut and arched his back a little, forcing the connection deeper before he remembered that he was trying to let Wheeljack control the pace. Wheeljack's frame was hovering over Starscream's, not covering him. He was still modulating his charge to match the chaste little trickle Starscream was allowing through. His mask was still pressed against Starscream's lips. It was straight out of a romance holo.

It wasn't supposed to be boring.

"Starscream," said Wheeljack again. "Starscream, are you okay? I'm gonna disconnect."

"No!" Starscream tightened his grip on Wheeljack's shoulder.

"You're obviously not having a good time." Wheeljack pulled back, able to resist Starscream with his better leverage. "We don't have to connect, it's fine."

"It's not fine!" Starscream tried to tighten his socket to keep Wheeljack there, but Wheeljack's prongs were too thin and smooth for Starscream to catch. "I want to connect, I want to be with you."

"You are with me." Wheeljack laid a hand against Starscream's cheek and pulled their arrays apart. "You don't have to-"

"I hate you," hissed Starscream. "Why can't you just do it? Why can't you just show some bearings and let me worry about myself?"

You see? Fun to write but Wheeljack is just this thing for Starscream to react against.

I chatted with Dez about the problem and decided to rewrite the fic in Wheeljack pov so the exact source of Starscream's neuroticism would be more of a reveal and so I could get further into Wheeljack's head. I got a few hundred words into the new version and just COULD NOT do it, Wheeljack's voice felt all wrong, like I was writing Starscream again but putting Wheeljack's name on it. I talked to Dez about it AGAIN and finally hit on the idea of Wheeljack trying to feel his way through a relationship on trial and error (because Starscream is incapable of communicating) and the amazingly romantic gesture of flowcharts. After that I mostly had it. Until I hit the ending and slammed into ANOTHER wall and had to go back to Dez and be like. Please. Read this. Tell me how to be free.

Dez suggested Starscream and Wheeljack actually having A Conversation after they manage to have sex - basically that they had earned some emotional honesty after all that. This REALLY helped, and I managed to get it the rest of the way to the ending from here, although it took two more rewrites and a whole other ending scene. Total time from conception to post: about 6 weeks, which isn't that much except I felt like I was banging my head against it the entire time haha. And it took about five rewrites, which is two more than I usually do.

Thank god for Dez. I'm usually a pretty isolated writer? I ask for betas on big fics, but that's typically when I have a polished version or when 'm running up against a deadline. It's been really amazing to have someone to bounce fic ideas off of and to pass drafts back and forth with and just to complain when the struggle is getting especially real. I think I would've gotten really sick of this fic without Dez's help and enthusiasm. It probably wouldn't have gotten done at all. As it is, I'm really happy with how it all turned out :)

Some other little bits:

Allez means 'let's go' or 'go' and is also how you start each touch in a fencing bout if you're refereeing in the internation standard (ie French). English: on guard, ready, fence. French: en garde, pret, allez. It's also what French speakers will sometimes yell at a sabre fencer in between touches or while they're charging down the strip. I was thinking here that it's kind of fun to imagine Starscream and Wheeljack's friends shouting 'allez' at them, cheering them on but also hoping they'll get on with it already. Also, I kind of think of this fic as the beginning of a new set of fics - we're out of the main Megatron arc and into more slice of life stuff - so it felt appropriate as a new start to the bout.

When I originally conceived of the Attaque Composee series, I wanted it all to be T rated because I wanted it to be available to most readers and also if someone ever connects meatspace me with this series (a terrifying possibility) I don't really want the conversation to be 'hey I saw you wrote a robot fencing porn fic.' But I also REALLY wanted to write this story and I decided to just roll with it - it's easy to skip this one and read the rest of the series, and I've written plenty of other robot porn fics at this point.

Last thing: over nine fucking years ago I wrote a Scream of Shalka Doctor Who fic where the Master climbed over a table to yell at the Doctor, and my beta completely correctly pointed out that Shalka!Master isn't physically dramatic like that. I have a tendency toward overblown physical comedy and drama that I've had to rein in for years and it is SO RELAXING to be in a fandom where I can write Starscream standing on the berth, nearly falling over while shrieking at Wheeljack and everyone's reaction is 'yep. Yeah. He likes to be tall.'

Thank you for asking about this!!

[hollys-eve]

Holly-Eve Knights

@murderclubhq

NAME.

FULL NAME: Holly-Eve Knights PREFERRED NAME/NICKNAMES: Holly-Eve, Holly GENERALLY REFERRED TO AS: Holly, Sometimes her mother Maggie calls her Evie

APPEARANCE.

FACECLAIM: Abigail Cowen SEX: Female HEIGHT: 5′10 WEIGHT: 150 lbs. BUILD: Reedy, but hidden muscles from carrying the weight of the newspaper on her shoulders. HAIR: Red and naturally wavy. Is too lazy to straighten it so she’s just got long loose curls. Long, down to the small of her back. The kind of hair that when you roll down the windows actively attempts to suffocate you but she doesn’t want to cut it or pull it into a ponytail. So it’s either braided, in a bun, or down. Mostly down. HANDS: Delicate hands, but long fingers, like she should have been a piano player. Callouses on her fingers from years of playing by herself outside and going ghost hunting with her parents. SCARS: A small scar across her eyebrow. She doesn’t know how she got it, but her parents say it happened while she was living at one of the Florida orphanages. CLOTHES: Tennis shoes and converse, clothes that are comfortable, hoodies to sink into, and like 800 bracelets. If it’s oversized, she’ll wear it with no pants, or shorts that look like no pants. Lots hats and sunglasses. Bracelets and hair ties all the way up both of her arms. A few of them were made by her parents, a few are ones she has collected from various little shops. Likes loose and comfortable button ups during the summer. If the situation does not force her to wear shoes, she is not wearing them. OTHER FEATURES: Wouldn’t call them uncommon but she’s covered in freckles. Plus she has a birthmark on her back called a stork bite.

SPEECH.

ACCENT: Barely there Southern/Carolina, only noticeable in certain words. LANGUAGE: English, some latin from books that her parents having laying around, but not fluent. More so can pick up certain words. ARTICULATION: Being a journalist she is extremely articulate and good at explaining her points.  EDUCATION: Prefers direct language, but is at least vaguely aware of internet culture and uses memes. When texting refuses to use things like “u” or “ur” and will correct other people’s grammar and spelling. Has two extremely educated parents and it shows in her speech. LAUGHTER: Does not laugh often, mostly because she’s never had a reason to laugh, and is cautious of people. Her laugh is almost silent. BREATHING: Sighs. So much. All the time. When frustrated, confused, unsure of what to do with her breath she just lets it out in a sigh.

MANNERISMS.

FACE: Has very expressive facial features and an absolutely terrible poker face. Unfortunately blessed with Resting Bitch Face. HANDS: Does not usually talk with her hands, keeps them close by her unless she is really trying to make a point.  EMOTIONAL OUTBURSTS: Tends to be a bit emotionally reserved unless under extreme circumstances. Sleep deprivation makes her more likely to snip at people, and alcohol makes her extremely honest and affectionate. As a baseline she’s very good at hiding complex emotions. HABITS: Crackles her joints. Specifically her knuckles and her back. POSTURE: Posture depends on the mood. The more tired she gets, the less she holds her posture upright. PERSONAL SPACE: Has a very important personal space bubble, and likes to give people their space. Only breaks it when it feels appropriate. She isn’t used to having people in her space but if she trusts the person she doesn’t hate it.

HEALTH:

DIET: Both her parents like to try to eat extraordinarily healthy. They grow plants on their balcony. But they free range eat with no set meals so often Holly will either forget to eat or she will eat at Marie’s. Eats the leftover pastries at All Ground Up. SLEEP: Has not been sleeping well lately at all. Even before the nightmares started up she didn’t sleep very well, but now it’s gotten worse. The usual is 2 hours of sleep a night if she is lucky. EXERCISE: Spends most of her life slumped over the table typing but walks around on her feet during work. Is carrying Edwina around considered exercise? Because if so, she lifts. ACTIVITY: When she becomes dedicated to something she will exhaust herself doing it. CLEANLINESS: Showers every other day, keeps herself well groomed, and likes to have her life organized and put together. Most of the things in her desk are filed to a particular order even if that order makes no sense to anyone else. ODOR: Always kind of smells like essential oils because that’s what her house smells like. Specifically peppermint. MEDICINAL DRUGS: Attempted to take melatonin to help the sleep and nightmares but it is not doing much. ADDICTIONS: Caffeine ILLNESS: Insomnia, Night Terrors, Anxiety. Allergic to roses and some other flowers. INJURIES: The scar on her eyebrow hurts occasionally, but not much.

PERSONAL.

INTROVERT/EXTROVERT?: Introvert. She doesn’t mind having a voice in being in charge of the room, but she values her quiet independent time. She needs it to recharge. OPTIMIST/PESSIMIST: Realist, practical, assumes what’s going to happen is the most likely scenario that is going to happen and tries to look at it that way. GENDER: Female. Gender identity matches sex. SEXUALITY: ??? Possible Demisexual or somewhere on the ace spectrum. Holly views her sexuality as a bunch of question marks. It’s difficult for her to develop attraction for someone simply because she’s has a difficult time letting her guard down. ROMANTIC: Biromantic. See above in reference to difficulty letting her guard down enough to let people in. Would not mind a little bit of romance but much prefer something quiet, genuine, doesn’t even need to be public. There has to be wit and intelligence there. MEMORY: Has a memory like a steal trap. If she focuses on something she’s able to remember it relatively well. PLANNING: Probably plans too much about everything. There has to be a good throughout plan or she doesn’t want to follow through with anything. Extremely organized. INTUITION: Likes to think of herself as a sleuth when it comes to mysteries but can be rather ignorant when the truth does not meet her expectations. PROBLEM SOLVING: Loves puzzles and mysteries and uncovering the truth. Can become too focused on a problem when she thinks there is one to be solved. GOALS: To get out of Normal. Holly wants to find a way to leave this place and escape to a situation where no one knows who she is and she has the chance of starting over. Another goal would be to find a place where she feels like she fits in. INSECURITIES: Insecure about a lot, despite how much she hides. She’s always felt incredibly lonely her entire life, alienated, so she’s insecure about her place, especially amongst the murder club. Her writing (the poetry, not her journalism) she is insecure about as well because it is something that matters to her. ACHIEVEMENTS: Her newspaper. Every issues fills her with pride even if not everyone respects what they read. Won a lot of science fairs as a middle and grade schooler because of her parents. ANXIETY: So, so much. Her night terrors/dreams, the relationship she has with her parents, opening up and feeling human connection. SELF-HELP: Has seen a doctor for nightmares but the melatonin is not helping. COMFORTS: Warm blankets, fires, hot tea or hot coffee. Feeling warm and safe. And her stuffed dog Max which she tends to keep hidden from most people out of embarrassment. BAD HABITS: Drinking all the energy drinks and coffee she can, chewing on her pencils, erasures, and pens. PHILOSOPHY: Atheist, but understands the importance of religion in providing comfort to people, however she doesn’t think there is any proof of the existence of a God. TRIGGERS: Tight spaces. Neither of her parents ever explained why, but being in claustrophobic environments can cause her to panic. It likely has something to do with trauma she experienced growing up in the orphanages before she was adopted. She also can’t be crowded by too many things or people.

THE PAST.

PARENTS/GUARDIANS: Has no idea who her birth mother is, or where she was from, other than the fact that she was a young mother who felt she would be unable to raise a child appropriately. She was adopted by Maggie and Lizzie and taken to Normal when she was 3 years old. Holly loves both of her parents immensely and is fiercely protective of them, but ever since she became more skeptical of their beliefs their relationship has been somewhat strained. They are free range parents and there has never been much structure or rules in their household. In a lot of ways she raised herself. Lizzie is stricter than Maggie is but they both still don’t set rules like curfew. LIFE EVENTS: Once gave Norman Normal a love poem in Middle School and he read it in front of all of his friends. She was mortified and hasn’t really had a “crush” on anyone since then, at least not one she’s acknowledged. Growing up and having no friends also shaped her life because she doesn’t really know how to interact with people she wants to be affectionate towards. She also vividly remembers going hunting for ghosts in an old abandoned house with her parents. Maggie gave her the flashlight and told her to count how many times she saw flickers of light, because those were ghosts saying hello. WORST DAY OF THEIR LIFE: The day she realized the nightmares weren’t going away. They make her sick and scared and on edge, so nervous she sometimes lashes out. Realizing that there was no way to cure these and they would be happening for a long time to come crushed her. BEST DAY OF THEIR LIFE: The day the murder club showed up and started getting in her hair. Her first memory of walking into Marie’s with her moms and them telling her she could have whatever she wanted. She wasn’t used to that so she got three milkshakes and didn’t even finish one of them, got carried home and tucked into a bed that was hers and fell asleep around a brand new stuffed animal (Max). LOOKING BACK: Holly isn’t sure she would want to do anything different, because she feels like nothing in her life has ever been in her control. She didn’t get to choose to be given up at birth, or who she was adopted by. She feels like she’s never been in charge of her life.

RELATIONSHIPS.

FAMILY: Holly’s only family she knows are her moms. They are not particularly close with either of their parents. Maggie’s parents are both dead and Lizzie has a strained relationship she doesn’t discuss after they attempted to put her in conversion therapy growing up. She loves her moms, and they love her, but the more skeptic Holly has become the more strained that relationship is. More and more there’s a disconnect from them. They’ve always been a bit absentee. When she turned 13 they could finally leave her alone at home for extended ghost hunting weekend trips. FRIENDSHIPS: Growing up, with a name like Holly-Eve Knights, it’s not hard to imagine why she wouldn’t have friends. Most people labeled her the same as they did her parents and wrote her off as someone to be ignored or bullied. She has a hard time making connections but when she does they are ride or die. Holly is affectionate with her friends, albeit awkward as she fumbles her way through proper etiquette. She knows her parents probably hugged her way too much growing up so she has to fight that primal urge to hug a friend even if it makes her just as uncomfortable as it makes them. FRIENDS IN NEED: Holly’s new to this friend thing and she’s trying her best to figure out what’s the proper way to do anything. She offers her friend brute honesty regarding the situation and then offers for the two of them to figure it out together. Possibly with color coordinated highlighters. NEEDING A FRIEND: Tries to deal with her problems on her own because she isn’t used to relying on other people. She won’t outright reject other people’s help but she is very cautious in accepting of it unless she trusts the person explicitly. ANNOYANCES: She’s always been a bit too quick on her feet or to go on the offensive when it comes to retorts, but lately she’s been getting snippier and cattier than even she is comfortable with because of her exhaustion. ROMANCE: Relationship-curious would be a good word for it. She’s open to the idea of being in a relationship but it also scares her after the last brush with romantic affection left her humiliated. Supportive, but honest, would always make sure the person feels like they are wanted, heard, and acknowledged. However, has absolutely no idea how to woo anyone and is terrified to try. ADVERSARIES: Despite having a general distrust of other humans, you have to put in a lot of work for Holly to waste the energy into hating you. You would have to do something pretty heinous. ENEMIES: Anything to hurt her parents or her friends. Be a ghost and make her realize all her fears are a reality. STRANGERS: Respectful and quiet. Very reserved around strangers unless they say or do something she finds to be moderately offensive. FUN STUFF: Watching all the movies she never got to watch growing up, staying up for hours talking, would love a slumber party but would never vocalize that out loud DATING: Nothing too over the top. Flowers aren’t appreciated (she’s allergic to roses) and there’s no need for overt affections. She wants someone she can have an intellectual conversation with or go and watch a b-rated horror movie to make fun of the bad acting.

BEST FRIEND: TBD  WORST ENEMY: The entire state of Florida

INTERACTIONS.

MINGLING: Is incredibly inept at making new friends and being around people as a general. Does not know what small talk is or is too aggressive in using it. COMFORT LEVELS: Feels okay talking to new people if there is a reason for it. She can socialize in class or work settings, even enjoys some of the people at the coffee shop she works at, but she’s almost always on edge around people. PHYSICAL: Is occasionally affectionate and even likes touch from other people under the right circumstances. Was comforted with physical affection growing up. GROUPS: As comfortable in a group as she is in any social situation. Awkwardly accepting of this. OPENNESS: Takes an incredibly long time to open up to someone about the aspects of her life she deems to be more relevant than others. GENEROSITY: Is incredibly generous to the best of her ability. She likes buying her friends food, bringing them drinks, and seeing them smile. JEALOUSY: Jealousy is a strange emotion and one she is not usually prepared to handle. Most of the time growing up she felt jealous about people who lived relatively normal lives, not having to go on ghost hunts with her parents or man the crystal and oil shop they have downstairs and pretend like everything was haunted just to get people to buy. She’s jealous of people who are good at making connections and opening themselves up. TEMPER: There are certain buttons you can press that are an immediate flare, but otherwise she tends to be pretty level headed if not unnecessarily sarcastic. EMPATHY: Awkwardly empathetic. Holly understands people emotions but has a difficult time knowing what to do with that empathy and how to place it properly. AFFECTION: Gentle things. Occasional gifts without thought, gentle touches, generally making that person feel important and needed. Once she opens up Holly is an incredibly kind person, it just takes some time for her to open up. Like a cherry pit to a cherry blossom if you will. DISTASTE: Arguments, biting words, purposefully hitting places that she knows are inappropriate. ETIQUETTE: Her borderline hippie parents didn’t teach her much about etiquette so she has no idea what spoon goes where. If she’s not wearing sneakers she just doesn’t wear shoes, even if the situation likely calls for shoes. RESPONSIBILITY: Doesn’t like being wrong, but is willing to admit when she was the one who made the mistake. Will make others take ownership for their contribution in the mistake as well. SELF ESTEEM: Has incredibly low self-esteem but does her best to mask it. Being so socially and emotionally isolated she always lingered onto the feeling that the must be something wrong with her. CONFIDENCE: As much as she hates to admit it, Holly still cares what people think about her. HONESTY: Brutally and perhaps inappropriately honest sometimes. LEADER OR FOLLOWER: Leader. Has a difficult time taking orders. Would do well in a second in command position, but she’s the editor of the newspaper so she’s used to being in charge. PRAISE: Is incredibly awkward when it comes to accepting compliments. Does not know what to do with the compliment and might assume there is an ulterior motive to it. FAILURES: Probably a lot. The unwavering skepticism, a barbed tongue, the lack of filter as a general. She also loves to be right which can rub people the wrong way. CRITICISM: Takes criticism okay. Open to growing as a person but does initially find it difficult to swallow. INSULTS: Quick to bite back with something equally as insulting and then regret it a few hours down the road. EMBARRASSMENT: Fluttered, not embarrassed. There are very few things that can make Holly feel like she is embarrassed but once you unlock them she’s about as red as her hair. FLIRTING: Does not know how to flirt. Does not know if someone was flirting with her. ATTENTION SPAN: Used to have an easy time concentrating but with the nightmares it’s been harder and harder lately. SITUATIONS: Depends on the context of the social situation if she’s good at it or not. In tense situations often is able to keep a level head but if someone is asking if their outfit looks good Holly might implode.

LIFE.

DUTY: Runs the newspaper, works at All Ground Up, and whenever her parents are out of town is obligated to help run their shop as well.  TECH: Decent at modern day technology, mostly out of necessity though, since neither of her parents own a computer. POLITICS: Incredibly strong convictions when it comes to human rights and people. Please don’t read her article from election season. or maybe do if you’re into some light masochism. COMBAT SKILLS: Probably very scrappy in a fight. Has never had the reason to fight but is very fast on her feet when it comes to running. HOME: Her room is more organized than the entire household she lives in. The little space is full of bins that she has carefully labeled in her own head. DAILY LIFE: Lately has felt very out of her depth. The nightmares are starting to consume her entire entity and purpose and it’s starting to frighten her. INDEPENDENCE: Very independent thanks to incredibly flaky (albeit well meaning) moms. COOKING: Is better with drinks than cooking, but being a barista gives her certain talents. Good at following recipes and a quick learner, but it isn’t a passion. BUILDING: Absolutely cannot put shit together. Is hilariously bad at it but thinks  she would be great. CLEANING: There aren’t any chores in the Knights household, but she’s the one cleaning up most of the messes her parents make. Someone has to clean the pig’s blood up off the dining room floor. SHOPPING: Does not usually go shopping, but when she does she likes thrift store finds because they can be repurposed and used in a variety of different ways. DRIVING: Yes she can drive and her broken old as dirt minivans name is Velma. FINANCES: Both her mother’s are incredibly talented Doctors of differing sciences with a few books written each, however outside of that they don’t get much money coming their way. She lives comfortably enough, but doesn’t like to talk about her money and is uncomfortable taking it from her parents when she feels at any moment their ghost hunting business could go tits up. So she works to help pay for the things she wants. PETS: Was given a pet rosy boa named Lilith for a birthday one year. She loves her long danger noodle. TRAVELING: Would nothing more than to get out of Normal and go as far as the west coast. Has gone with her parents on a few crazy ghost hunts and visited “haunted” places. Fell in love with the West because of those visits. MEDICAL: Has become a frequent visitor of the doctor given her need for any form of sleep aid. ILLNESS: Night terrors and anxiety. Panic attacks when confronted with claustrophobia WORRIES: Everything keeps her awake at night. Literally. The demonic nightmares are the biggest part though. She worries that she is going crazy and doesn’t understand if there is something in her family that would make this happen, her biological family. She doesn’t know anything about them so she sits and worries a lot about how they might affect her one day. PEACE: Appreciates the silence immensely because that’s what she’s used to. PARTYING: Has never once in her entire life been to a party. HOBBIES: Enjoys writing poetry in her spare time, when she’s not writing papers. Occasionally volunteers at the animal shelter to pet the kitties and the doggies.

[lamujerarana]

Do you think that other being speculated to be on the ace spectrum, Reed would be romantically attracted to other genders than female?

Yes, definitely! I mean, in the first place, (I hope?) we all know about that canon alternate universe where Reed is married to Johnny instead of Sue. So there’s at least one universe where he is openly and canonically into men. Personally, I wish he’d married Ben instead and I resent the fact that there are no canon BenReed universes, because there should be. @androidavenger and I agree that it’s because Marvel is afraid of how powerful and convincing Ben and Reed’s love for each other would be. They’re practically married already in 616, so seeing them together as a romantic/sexual couple would probably feel pretty natural.

I personally think of Reed as being a sex-favorable/indifferent bi ace with a low libido (but pan or poly or any mspec label works for me). Like, if Sue wants to have sex, he’ll oblige and enjoy it, but he just rarely feels inclined to seek it out himself, and when he does, it’s more about the intimacy and romance and showing Sue that he loves her than anything else. (I wrote a longer post about Reed being coded as ace in canon, which you can find here.) He definitely experiences romantic attraction to some degree, though, since he canonically fell in love with Sue at first sight. But I could see him being somewhere on the aro spectrum because it’s not like he gets romantically attracted very frequently. Sue and maybe Alyssa would be the only two people he’s ever been romantically involved with in canon, which is…not a lot. I also think it explains why he’s so over-the-moon in love with Sue – he’s never really felt that way about anyone before or since. 

Personally, and I admit that I ship them pretty hard, I do think that Reed’s relationship with Ben is probably the one that has been framed as the queerest. I have a very hard time seeing his relationship with Ben as anything other than queer. But I do admit that the fact that Reed doesn’t seem to experience sexual attraction means that it’s a bit harder to find panels where he comments on Ben’s looks or gets flirty with him, although I can show you plenty of panels where Ben gets very fixated on Reed’s attractiveness and/or flirts very openly with him. 

But that doesn’t mean that there aren’t any panels where Reed expresses a deep and abiding love for Ben that is even framed in romantic terms and couched in romantic phrases. 

More beneath the cut!

I mean, he says this about Ben in Fantastic Four v1 #51:

“You know how I felt about Ben! He was more than just a friend!” has very clearly romantic connotations, as does the fact that he’s willing to die for Ben. And Ben echoes that sentiment – as well as Reed’s willingness to die for him – later on in Fantastic Four v1 #382:

There’s also just the fact that Ben, Reed, and Sue pretty much already act like they’re a thruple and always have, and if polyamory wasn’t so taboo, they probably would be. They make sense as a thruple, they balance out each other’s flaws perfectly and keep each other in check, they love each other deeply, and frankly, they just need each other. I’ve seen, for instance, people say that Sue’s the one who functions as a check on Reed, but that’s just not true. For one thing, Sue is pretty vicious and ruthless herself, thank you, MUCH more so than Reed, who tends to be gentler, kinder, and more forgiving than Sue. Sue and Reed 99% of the time make their plans together, and Ben is normally the one who functions as their conscience. See Authoritative Action for a perfect example of that. But what I’m getting at with this is that Reed and Sue very much need Ben. 

Even just in canon, Ben, Reed, and Sue are pretty committed life partners. They all live together and Ben and Reed have done so for the entirety of their adult lives, from 18 years of age to 40. They are also raising their kids together – kids that Reed and Sue canonically think of as being just as much Ben’s children as they are theirs:

Sue’s horror there stems from the fact that they ARE Ben’s kids, of course. He takes care of them just as frequently as Reed and Sue do. Sue is a CEO and philanthropist and Reed is a busy scientist – frankly, Ben takes over childrearing duties pretty damn often. Again, the three of them work well together as a thruple.

Ben even tells Sue at one point that he loves Reed almost as much as she does, and this while Reed and Sue were technically still on their honeymoon. From Fantastic Four v1 #44, which, you’ll notice was written all the way back in the 1960s:

But the most romantic BenReed story, in my opinion, is Hereafter. In the previous arc, Ben is murdered by Doom, and Reed spends a full hour frantically trying to bring him back to life. When he can’t, he completely falls apart. He shuts down, won’t talk to anyone, and throws himself into figuring out a way to get Ben back, because not even death is taking Ben away from him. When he does figure it out, he calls Sue and tells her that he can’t stand not having Ben by his side…so he’s going to Heaven to get him back. Reed literally can’t live without Ben. Johnny and Sue decide to join Reed on his mission, and when they get there, they pass through each one’s idea of Heaven. Sue’s is a nice, safe day with her kids, Johnny’s is camping with his parents, and Reed’s…Reed’s idea of Heaven is Ben’s face in the shape of a puzzle that he has to assemble. As though there is something about it that he’s trying to figure out, but hasn’t quite managed to yet (his romantic feelings for Ben, maybe?). This is from Fantastic Four v1 #510:

So, yes, Reed’s idea of Heaven is canonically Ben’s face. I think too that this is a great parallel – what Reed perceives as the mystery of Ben – to Reed’s rapturous love letter to Sue a few years later in Fraction’s run, in Fantastic Four v4 #4, where he calls her the mystery he’s never quite been able to figure out. 

His feelings for Ben and Sue seem awfully similar, don’t they?

Anyway, Hereafter climaxes with Reed having a meltdown because Ben announces that he doesn’t want to go back to his life and Reed blames himself for Ben’s death and just can’t handle the idea of life without Ben. Ben realizes at this point that the reason he hadn’t been able to get into Heaven is because he couldn’t bear to leave Reed, so he snaps Reed out of his meltdown by promising, over and over, that he’ll never leave Reed.

I swear to god, I have read romances that are less romantic than this scene. 

But also it makes sense that they care about each other this deeply. Ben and Reed are extraordinarily close and have been since they were college roommates. They’ve been inseparable since college. Once they graduated, they kinda just…kept living together the rest of their lives because they couldn’t stand being apart – in earlier canon, they joined the army together during WWII because they didn’t want to be separated after college. Ben’s said he loves Reed so much he’d die for him, Reed’s said the same about Ben. Ben, Reed, and Sue have gone on romantic island vacations together. Ben used to call Reed “lover boy” and “pretty boy” VERY regularly, and Reed never complained. He still occasionally calls Reed “baby,” and Reed acts like it’s totally normal for his supposedly platonic BFF to be calling him pet names. Ben also apparently is in the habit of wolf-whistling at Reed when he’s looking hot, and Reed doesn’t mind. Tweaking their relationship to make it explicitly romantic/sexual is just…not much of a stretch. Their love for each other is already intense, their relationship close and intimate, and I’d be lying if I said that Ben hasn’t pretty overtly flirted with Reed. He even once promised to kiss each of Reed’s fingers, which just. How is that even remotely straight, Marvel?

I could also write whole separate posts about the queerness of Reed’s relationships with Black Bolt, T’Challa, and Victor.

[hoodlessmads]

I’m Caught Up With Bloom Into You

Gosh, where do I even begin with this series?

I watched the first episode, and by the end, honestly, I thought it was going to be pretty dumb. Cute! But dumb. And I do love me some dumb cute precious romance.

But W O W that’s not what Yagakimi is. It successfully pulls of an excellent bait-and-switch on the reader/viewer not just once but twice--the first is at the end of the first episode (the part where I assumed it was going to be kind of cheesy and dumb), and the second around halfway through the anime series. The first one is basically the premise of the story, so it doesn’t really count as a bait-and-switch unless you go in blind like I did. But the second one takes all of the reader/viewer’s expectations up to that point and turns it on its head. And even beyond that scene, the entire series is chock full of moments that demolish your expectations for what direction the story is taking and who the characters are. Every single chapter I felt like I was being thrown for a loop, and learning something unexpected and new about the characters. Even up to the most recent damn chapter I feel like I have no idea what Nakatani-sensei is going to throw at us. And all of this is me making a point that this manga is DEEP.

I could talk at length about how gorgeous the anime is, how well-directed certain scenes are, how incredible the Japanese voice acting was (didn’t see the dub, but if anyone can carry Touko’s emotional range it’s the fabulous Luci Christian so I’m sure it’s decent), or how much I stan Michiru Ooshima. It was a great adaptation and I sincerely can’t wait for Season 2. But I’m not going to talk much about that. Instead I just need to talk about the story (the manga).

(spoilers up through Chapter 39)

You know what one of the many great things about Yagakimi is? In spite of the fact that it deals with same-gender relationships and queer issues, and while it does periodically address those issues, they’re actually not the primary focus of the characters or their struggles. From day one, Yuu is much less concerned about Touko being a girl than she is about her own inability to feel anything towards her (supposedly). And that’s not to say that those issues are ignored, like they are in some anime of this particular genre. The characters don’t live in a paradisiacal vacuum where being gay in Japan isn’t a problem and everyone around them is magically super accepting. Yuu’s sister is incredibly sweet and accepting (I love her), but her dad makes casual homophobic comments. Even after Touko initially confesses to Yuu, Yuu brushes it off as something she “probably doesn’t have to worry about” because they’re both girls, and it’s weird. Riko Hakazaki has to hide from her students, coworkers, and workplace, that she’s living with her girlfriend, because it could cause legitimate problems for her if they knew. During Sayaka’s first lesbian relationship, when she is still figuring herself out, her own girlfriend tells her that it’s “just a phase” and that she’s sorry that she “made her” that way. Even much later, when Yuu is conflicted about how she should confess her feelings to Touko, her sister Rei immediately assumes (understandably so) that she’s conflicted because of the whole gay thing. Rei starts worrying about how the family will react, if they will be accepting and supportive of her sister. Little does she know, being gay is the least of Yuu’s problems at that point.

But is being gay and the societal backlash that comes with it really that inconsequential to Yuu’s story? Yuu Koito struggles to develop romantic or sexual feelings for anyone. She exhibits clear signs of depression--intense apathy, emotional repression, struggles to find genuine joy in anything. A lot of people have posited even that she exhibits signs of sexual repression specifically. And this is one of the core conversations we can have about Yuu’s character. How much of her “inability to love” is because she is legitimately somewhere on the ace spectrum, perhaps demisexual (she develops feelings after getting to know someone, to put it simply)? And how much of it is her unconsciously repressing her own feelings (perhaps homosexual) for her entire life, resulting in a scenario where even she doesn’t know how to get them back? There isn’t a clear answer here. No one knows. Yuu doesn’t even know. And that’s the point!

The characters. Are so. Good. Yuu, Touko, and Sayaka are the obvious powerhouses here, all three of them multi-layered people that I can and will analyze at length. But Yagakimi doesn’t sleep on the minor characters either. Yuu and Touko don’t exist in a vacuum. From Yuu’s sister and her boyfriend to Maki, the juxtaposing aromantic and asexual friend and ally, to Yuu’s surprisingly likable best friends, to Hakozaki-sensei and her girlfriend Miyako, to even Dojima. Everyone matters. Everyone gets their own little storyline. I’m tempted to be reminded of Kimi ni Todoke and the brilliant way it handled its side characters here. Although Bloom Into You is much shorter than KnT, and therefore has a lot less time to develop those side characters and relationships, it still provides them with their own layers, their own problems, their own mini-spotlights. And it makes me care about every single one. Riko and Miyako’s cute ass and wholesome adult love story, Akari’s dumb doomed crush on basketball senpai, Koyomi’s dreams of becoming an author and her infatuation with a certain idol of hers, Maki’s experiences as a contented bystander. I adore and welcome it.

Let’s talk about Touko Nanami before this gets any longer than it needs to be. To be honest, I have a type when it comes to characters, and it’s the ones that are suicidal and hate themselves, probably because I relate to that stuff more than anything (though I also relate to Yuu’s apathetic brand of depression). This character. This character. One of the things I love most about her is how consistently the reader is lured into thinking they know her, and then consistently proven wrong. (I think we share this experience with Yuu.) It takes episodes, chapters, volumes to slowly chip away at the layers and layers of personality we’re given before we finally arrive at the truly heartbreaking core, which is a girl with a fractured identity and deep, deep self-loathing that defies all logic. And it’s because it defies all logic that it’s so scary. Because that kind of self-hatred doesn’t just go away. You can’t just fix it. It’s there to stay, and it’s not just your friendly neighborhood self-hatred--painful, but an otherwise harmless roommate. It’s actually dangerous, and it has the power to destroy Touko’s relationships with others and even destroy herself. (The scene in the anime where she stands in front of the railroad tracks and almost takes a step forward, thus nearly giving me a heart attack, comes to mind.) It defies logic, so there’s no logical way to beat it, either. And it’s not just the self-loathing that gets me and makes my heart hurt for her; it’s the loss of oneself, the lack of one’s identity as an individual. The loss of on’s own sense of self, especially at such a young and vulnerable age, is debilitating. Touko is really good at wearing that super serene smile, but when the chips are down, nothing is going to stand in the way of her and what essentially amounts to obliterating herself from existence. Not even Yuu. And then we come to her crippling fear of being loved by anyone, which is an aspect of self-hatred that probably doesn’t get enough acknowledgment. She hates herself to the point that the thought of someone loving her, which should make her happy, actually hurts. How fucked is that.

But I never gave Touko enough credit. To be honest, in chapter 34 when Yuu (finally) confesses, I was expecting her reaction to be really bad. Like, really bad. I was expecting a shitshow, a blowout of their relationship (temporarily of course). I was expecting basically what Yuu thinks that she got. And for that one page, I swear I felt my heart forcibly ripped from my chest. But then I read the next page and was surprised to see just how much she’s changed over the course of the series, how unexpectedly maturely she took the confession and examined her own feelings afterwards, how quickly (and once again, maturely) she deduced that she’d been making Yuu suffer. It makes me appreciate their relationship even more than I did before, and it makes me want to root for them. (Not that I wasn’t already.) The chapters just keep getting better and better from here on, I swear.

Sayaka deserves her own post, but the queen has her own novel series at least. Sayaka could SO EASILY have been that bitch. Nakatani could have created this rival love interest who treated Yuu like shit and was a possessive asshole and just stopped there. But instead, we got Sayaka, who ends up being one of the best and most well-developed characters. And in the many many times where I was calling Yuu and Touko “you dumb bitch,” Sayaka was there, the smartest and most honest of the three by far, which was refreshing. Her backstory is utterly heartbreaking, her love for Touko touching as hell, and her rise from the ashes, so to speak, is inspiring. Fuck that senpai. Sayaka isn’t even that mean to Yuu, on top of it all. I mean, she can be kind of snippy. And understandably so. But they actually end up surprisingly getting along? I am shook to my core. Sayaka’s growth is one of the greatest sights to behold in this series. Her friendship with Touko isn’t sidelined in favor of Touko’s relationship with Yuu--far from it. Sayaka provides her own unique support and sparks Touko’s development in a way that Yuu never could. Their friendship is crucial. By the time Sayaka FINALLY confesses, I was so god damn proud of her and her bravery, I swear I could have cried. While Yuu was busy being in practiced denial for 40 chapters, Sayaka was OUT THERE learning to be completely up front and honest with herself and others about her feelings. (Not to knock on Yuu, because she has her own arc to go through to get there.) That whole fucking scene where they’re both just sobbing about shit afterwards Got Me.

Ugh. It’s been an emotional few days. I’m really glad I decided to start watching that first episode, because this entire series has been a series of pleasant surprises. This is a good anime, ya’ll. It’s a good character study. It’s a good love story. It’s a good gay love story. It’s all of those things. You could literally talk forever about all the nuances of this story and characters and all the things that make it as good as it is. This long ass post just brushes the surface. For now, I’m anxiously (ANXIOUSLY) awaiting chapter 40. If you know, you know.

[sidncymiller]

ayyyyyy friends it’s ya boi back at it again with another caustic, indifferent fuck ( ive got a type sue me ) but this ones like... a little less (ง'̀-'́)ง  and a little more  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯  ya feel ??  anyway this is gonna be quick & dirty cause i dont have the bio done yet but theres some basic stats here if ur freaky like that. also she’s more into like.... people as a whole than mal is so ( as much as i love fighting everyone ) i’d love to make some connections w the charas he doesnt interact with or is a cock to !! lol ok i’ll catch y’all under the cut pce out

she’ll answer to sidney but prefers sid (or miller if you’re one of those)

demigirl, she/her pronouns and “girl” as a descriptor are fine, but for the love of god don’t call her a Woman it makes her skin crawl

pansexual but mostly a big tease who cant Seal the Deal, possibly on the ace spectrum somewhere or maybe she just watches too much porn who knows these days

as you may have inferred from her multitude of maybe-kinda-sorta labels she is a Child Of The Internet

bad case of blue and orange morality, thanks to being born and raised right here in sunny fictumterra!! she values privacy, loyalty and free will pretty high, human life and welfare pretty low, like a good fictumterran (fictumite?)

then again she does get pretty bummed out if someone new comes to town and she Digs them and then they get turned into a lamp or hot dog or whatever,,,, weak,,,,

uh she was into gymnastics as a kid and joined the cheer squad in hs just because it seemed like exactly the thing she Wouldnt do and she’s a big ‘ol contrarian

unfortunately!!! she went partially blind in her right eye when she was sixteen and her parents poisoned her and all that time spent practicing balance and spatial aawreness and shit went right out the fckn window THANKS MOM

ok backtracking a litte

her parents were members of a pro-gun, anti-government cult before she was born and got caught up in a teensy little federal building bombing and had to hightail it to FT when one of their compatriots ( fckn coward ) flipped on the group, under the advisement of their Supreme Leader

lets call him Shmavid Shmoresh

he told them to await further instructions, so they set up shop in FT and waited. since they were natural born sheeple, they acclimated to the way of life pretty quickly, and when sid was born she was brought up under the town’s value system, and now im repeating myself

ANYWAY they didn’t hear from the group until sixteen years later when Shmavid was about to be executed and announced that it was time for everyone to Ascend or whatever

so, good followers they were, they made their evening tea and laced it w rat poison and waited for the sweet chariot to swing low

unfortunately they fucked up on sid’s dosage and she survived, though, as mentioned, the poison did fuck with her cortical vision, as well as giving her an exceptionally sensitive stomach

basically she can’t eat too much or anything too rich or spicy bc her stomach linings all fucked, lots of broths and and rice and stuff, everything else comes back up, ya girl got v skinny and has mixed feelings bout that

uhhhh shes like constantly eating sugar tho, usually bubble gum, sometimes suckers or slushies. shes not supposed to but it doesnt make her puke and if she doesn’t see an immediate consequence she doesnt care ALSO she doesnt appreciate your oral fixation jokes i mean youre probably right but get some new material ok

also she still drives??? she refuses to accept that shes blind (ish, too blind to drive, ever heard of anton-babinski syndrome?) and regularly scratches or dents other peoples cars and leaves a note that says like ‘oops’ on their windshield or whatever, she loves driving you cant take it from her get fucked

her own car is a pinto thats so dinged up its basically round at this point

when her parents died there was some contention as to where she was gonna live when she got out of the hospital (not like anyone was gonna call state-run social services) so she ended up being temporarily placed in a pink flamingo room and is..... still there.....

at this point its her place she brought in her own bedding and taped pictures to the wall and installed like 40 locks on the door ok TRY to get her to leave

she works at food world to pay the (internet) bills, but her REAL job (as far as shes concerned) is running her blog ‘memoirs from murderville’ (she was a teen when she named it ok she KNOWS its dumb but she cant change it now cause fckn #branding. trust her, she hates it more than you do)

its essentially a diary that she writes under the name jim sheldon (an homage to the badass author alice sheldon, who wrote under the pseudonym james tiptree jr) about her life and daily experiences in FT with all the names and relevant details and such changed

it started as a stupid joke (and a way for her to disassociate!!! holla) when she was in high school, but then it got a shout-out on some true crime podcast, and then it was in some buzzfeed article, and shit spiraled out from there

everyone assumes its an elaborate piece of fiction and its lauded in certain communities for it’s ‘brutal authenticity’ and ‘delightfully irreverent narrator’ and ‘creative spin on unsolved crime’ and ‘disturbing satire of millennial detachment in the media age’

lol academics are so weird amirite

anyway because of her commitment to the blog she makes it a priority to get to know as many residents and visitors as she can, looking for the best content and recurring characters 

shes kind of a dick and definitely a shit head but she really, genuinely does care about people’s stories (even if she doesn’t care much about most people themselves)

is she a killer??? no. well, maybe. she could be persuaded, probably. for the experience. maybe she’d like it who knows not me

does she have a death wish??? no. well, maybe. a little bit. she certainly values a good story more than she does her own dumb mortality. if it comes down to boring or dead, she’d pick dead :)

ok this got a lot longer than i thought !!! soml !!! if you read all this stream of consciousness nonsense ur an angel thank you !!!

as far as connections and such i would LOVE unknowing subjects/recurring characters in her blog, knowing subjects of her blog who love the attention, friends??? (what a concept lol), OH someone who deeply disapproves of the blog and finds it trivializing??? dangerous??? idk whatever theres lots of reasons to hate it??? maybe they wanna take it down???, LONG TIME RESIDENTS WHOVE KNOWN HER SINCE SHE WAS A KID, maybe someone who took up a parental mantle after her parents fucked off to the great gig in the sky??, uh maybe an ex or ex-friend who was disconcerted by her constant need for action and danger and bailed OR the opposite, one who pushed her a little too far and she had to bail??

idk man the possibilities are endless hmu love yall

[spinnerprincess]

happy ace awareness week

i think you’re all probably aware that i’m ace by now, i mention it from time to time, but in case you’re not... heyyyyyy

you can find a lot of ace resources around, teaching you about asexuality, what it means, etc. i’ve been personally appreciating the hell out of lyd’s comics on the subject, the most recent of which is here.

this post isn’t for that. this post is for being aware of where i’m at regarding being ace. i would appreciate it if you read it.

hashtag lgbt/ace discourse ahead.

it’s been a weird year for me. a lot of good things have happened, and so have a lot of bad things. dealing with my asexuality has fallen into both categories. 

when i first encountered the term asexuality and adopted it for myself it was a very different time. i had made a friend who was ace. without going into detail, they were a little older than me, and were dealing with the aftereffects of a bad relationship where they felt harrassed and later assaulted by a partner. so i came into it with the full awareness that being ace could be rough and cause discrimination, etc. 

but honestly, in some ways, it was an easier time. back in 2011 asexuality felt less visible, but where it was visible, it was accepted pretty freely. some conversations around terms like “allosexual” began cropping up around them. i think i navigated them fairly well, and i learned a lot, and with everything i learned i grew surer that being ace was both a term that made me feel validated and comfortable, and the word that best defined my gender/sexuality experience. 

the worst thing i had to deal with was people who hated “aces prefer cake” jokes and the occasional “stop calling yourselves aces you’re not playing cards” which, meh, it’s just a cute shortening. i love it. didn’t stop then, won’t stop now. you couldn’t pay me to go back to a time when i thought sherlock was worth any attention (i at least didn’t fuckin ascribe to a lot of the shit like “oh he’s ace/aro and it excuses his bullshit” haha fuck off.). but. boy. sometimes i miss it.

this past year or two, it’s been shitty. first we had the tail end of the “queer” discourse. i understood some viewpoints coming out of that, but ultimately settled on feeling like it the people arguing to remove it from the lexicon were wrong. i think there’s some valid points to be made, but mostly found the whole argument tiresome. Let people call themselves what they want, and don’t use it for people you don’t know like it, or for the whole community. Done. 

and if I’m a little more hesitant to use it for myself, if i once described myself as queer freely and happily, and now do so nervously, backspacing it out of the text once or twice, that’s... something i hope to overcome.

but boy oh boy did that discourse just dovetail right into my personal hell. the kind of people who don’t want to see the community expanded, who want to stay on top and exclude people who aren’t being their kind of gay, immediately dug their claws into that argument about “queer” and didn’t stop.

i’ve endured months and months of ace discourse now and it’s... it’s been exhausting. i’m not even directly involved in it, but it’s still there. it’s constant. it’s insidious. 

what started as a counter argument of “queer is a great as a blanket word for people with complex identities, such as ace people” dove directly into “well, are ace people lgbt?” and didn’t stop. suddenly it was the topic of the season. early definitions said “yes” or “if they think they are.” more arguments. “well, heteroromantic aces aren’t lgbt,” became popular. i can see why. that kind of invisible distinction could play well into pretending you’re straight, after all - right? so went the discourse. ugh.

as that argument caught on, people with anti-ace agendas pushed it further. “so being ace alone doesn’t make you lgbt.” “kids can’t identify as ace, that’s sexualization.” “cishet aces just want to steal our resources.” 

i don’t want to go into all of these but. boy. some of them were presented logically, kindly. others devolved quickly into “aces are the worst and can die,” “ace people don’t belong full stop,” and even “lol look at me i’m a tumblrina i’m 13 years old asexual fictkin special snowflake” as the punchline of jokes that spread outside of this site. 

some ace people are assholes and of course stirred the pot more by being overtly bitter/turning things into oppression olympics type bickering over how aces have the worst, or whatever. some blogs people cited for examples of “terrible ace people co-opting lesbian stuff” or whatever else were literally from sockpuppet blogs making fun of ace people.

for a time, i even bought into some of it. i thought some of the early arguments, that heteroromantic aces shouldn’t be considered lgbt, might have valid points. but you know what? that’s bullshit. if you believe you belong, you should be welcomed with open arms. hetero aces experience some of the same shit i do. they probably also experience other shit. just because i don’t know what it is, or it’s different from mine, doesn’t mean it isn’t an alienating, and perhaps even queer, experience. their sexuality, as nuanced as it is, still sets them apart and they deserve support. we all do. 

it sucks to think that this shitty shitty discourse had me believing in a position that invalidated my own experience of aceness being the source of much of my queer experiences, for a while.

all this to say nothing of the invisible hate seeping towards aromantic people as well, lolololol. it’s not a big part of me the way being ace is but i’m probably somewhere on the aro spectrum and. great. thanks. i’m still so tired of split attraction model arguments. if it works for you, use it. if it works for other people, let them use it. is it so hard to believe that some people might experience things differently to you? or differently to how you would imagine? god.

my favorite part is when allo people started saying “allo is a slur!!!” when, get this: allosexual was pushed for and partially created by allo people who (rightly) didn’t want to be called “sexual,” like poc, and rape survivors. ace people adopted it into their language for their benefit, not for ours, lololololol

so. that’s the year i’ve been dealing with. i’ve had to unfollow a number of people i thought were otherwise cool over this. i haven’t gone a single month without finding someone i think is amazing, reading through their blog, and discovering with a sense of nausea that they would hate me. genuinely hate me. there’s no love there. someone who says “u shouldn’t follow me if you think ace people are lgbt lol” isn’t interested in hearing and believing my stories, my experiences, my life which is hard and queer and as deserving of support as anyone’s. they aren’t interested in treating me like a person. that’s... i mean, i think that counts as hate. yeah.

i still hesitate on the word aphobia, or, similarly, biphobia. i don’t know if it’s the right way to describe it, when the hatred you refer to comes from within a similar group of people with oppressed sexualities. i wouldn’t hesitate to say post from an allosexual person in favor of in corrective rape w/r/t ace people are aphobic. i wouldn’t hesitate to say a straight person who thinks bi people are disgusting is a biphobe.

but is that reality talking, or is it just me being unable to acknowledge that oppression is oppression, fear and hate are fear and hate, and discrimination towards aces, which i’ve spent the last two years being told isn’t real, despite experiencing it on a regular basis both in and out of community?

what’s the line between discrimination and oppression? if people’s everyday biases make it harder for ace people to live their lives, is there a point in determining that line?

i fuckin dunno. i’m so tired. i’ve spent a long year feeling like i’ve shrunk myself. i feel more comfortable lately talking about fictional ladies and my attraction to them, which isn’t sexual, and isn’t exactly romantic, but it’s... it’s something that exist. just recently i became comfortable feeling like i can use the term “wlw” for myself, which i fought myself for a long time on. being ace, being quietly non-binary were both things that felt like obstacles.

and the wlw community is just full of toxicity still. terfs have grown and drawn others to their ideologies, some of them using anti-ace tactics to do so, others using tried and true biphobic messaging and of course, who could forget the constant hammering of “trans women aren’t women” bullshit they like to pull. 

so that’s one triumph of the year. i’m nb, i’m wlw, i’m ace. i can say those three things and feel pretty comfortable in it. 

i just wish it didn’t also come at costs. i find it harder to express my ace life. i find it harder to feel positively about it. i don’t have the energy to deeply deal with ace headcanons lately. it feels like the online world is hyperaware of us now, if anything. everybody has an opinion. moreover, people feel entitled to an opinion, in a way they weren’t before. people feel like it can be their opinion that my ace experiences aren’t lgbt, or that my sexuality doesn’t exist or even harms theirs, or... i don’t know. what will be the next big reason asexuality is terrible/invalid/not lgbt?

if you bothered to read or hell just skimmed this long post... thank you.

thank you. 

i know i’ve been quiet about a lot of this. not all the time, but a lot of the time. i feel bad about that, a little? i want people to know what this looks like. knowing asexuality exists is so, so good. but knowing that ace people are facing right now, the movement of hatred that has swept across pockets of lgbt people in recent years, and having the awareness to try and combat it...

it would mean a lot to me, if it felt like more of that could exist.

[conchobarbarian]

here’s the deal, is I very frequently look at lists of symptoms, or “you might have/be [x] if [x]”, or “helpful tips for people with [x]” & think “wait shit that’s really relatable but I don’t have/I’m not [x]” & I feel guilty for like appropriating a conversation that’s not about me or whatever

but also a very prominent example of this is things about depression. since I joined tumblr in high school I’ve seen so much stuff about depression, & thought, “that sounds like me, but I’m not depressed,” & felt guilty for trying to make my own bullshit into something as serious as depression

but the thing is, looking back at like my freshman year of college? I was depressed. like, I was definitely depressed. I cried in the shower or cried myself to sleep at least like once a week, probably. I was constantly miserable, I felt totally isolated, I operated within a routine & it’s only that routine that really kept me operational. every time I was like “this sounds like me but it can’t be because I’m not depressed enough to have depression,” I was wrong

another example is my asexuality. I started wondering if I was ace a year or two before I finally concluded I was, because I second guessed myself so much, & felt like I was lying if I tried to claim any kind of label

I still have this problem, where anytime I see something & think “I really relate to this, could this apply to me” I immediately shut myself down because what fucking right do I have to insert myself into anyone else’s conversation, what right do I have to try to act like I understand how other people feel. just because I get anxious doesn’t mean I have anxiety, and how dare I act like my problems get a diagnosis. things can be relatable without being applicable.

& it doesn’t help that several things I do this with, if they do apply to me, manifest fairly mildly, or at least not with the textbook signs I know to look for. when I was depressed, I wasn’t suicidal*. I’m ace, but I’m not sex-repulsed. I think I have anxiety, but it’s fairly mild & in most cases doesn’t interfere with living my life, although it does mean powering through anxiety frequently (talk to me about reminding myself “green means go, red means stop” every time I drive). obviously, you don’t need to be suicidal to be depressed, sex-repulsed to be ace, or anything else like that, but it makes it a lot easier for me to write things off as me misdiagnosing/mislabeling myself

even knowing that I don’t need to be, I’m so afraid of trying to claim that I’m something I’m not. I’m afraid that people will be mad at me for trying to pretend I’m anything other than neurotypical & cisgender (you guys remember a year ago when I kept being like “I don’t really need anything in my life to change but also idk if I feel like a cis woman is supposed to” bc it turns out that that comes back every time I don’t have people to distract me for a few days). I’m afraid that I’m one of those (at least semi-mythical, if not completely made up) people who just claims to be mentally ill or queer** just for attention or to fit in or whatever bullshit. I tell myself that I’m being dumb, but that doesn’t stop me from second guessing myself & feeling guilty any time I try to fit a new label to myself

so anyway, the latest thing that I’ve got conflicting “this sounds like me”/”who am I to try to use this label” thoughts about is wondering if I fall somewhere on the autism spectrum. tumblr posts meant for people on the spectrum action or thought patterns that are intimately familiar to me. looking at this list of symptoms of aspergers in women, a not-insignificant percentage of them apply to me. but I can’t be on the spectrum, I keep telling myself, because I’ve always fit in just fine with the neurotypical crowd, & I don’t present the “typical” signs of autism (although there’s some issues around what gets presented as “typical” autism in media, etc). clearly, says my brain, I’m just looking for something to make me special, & I’m an asshole. & besides, adds my shithole brain, what’s the point of thinking about it, when I’ve functioned fine for 21 years without any diagnoses of any kind, & realistically I’m never going to even go to my parents & be like “hey I think this about me, I’d like to see if a doctor could confirm it”

but like. I thought that about my sexuality, too. for like three years I was like “I don’t know what my sexuality is, but who cares, it’s not like it interferes with my life anyway,” but then when I did let myself label myself as ace, I cried because it was such a surprising relief to finally have that, & it’s so gratifying to have that as a point of contact with other ace people. being able to label that part of my identity mattered so much more than I thought it would. I don’t know if I do fall on the autism spectrum, I don’t know if having that as a label would make me as happy as the ace label has. but god it would be nice if my fucking brain would let me even entertain the thought.

tl;dr my brain is an asshole that refuses to acknowledge that “high functioning [anything]” exists & is remarkably reluctant to even let me try diagnosing myself with anything

*although I’ve been informed that some things I tend to think of as just “fatalistic” might fall into this category lmao

**I mean, I definitely know I’m queer. the “am I making it up” thoughts are entirely based around thinking about gender, not my sexuality