#probably especially since i can relate to it so much

[bluemoonscape]

Countdown to Wiege

So holy shit! Wiege! In less than a week! On Valentine's Day! Funny enough I predicted that in the server a few months ago because "haha wouldn't it be funny if the hyuluka round was on vday" and lo and behold I had a correct prediction for once

As always, vivimeng are stars at foreshadowing, so the best way to suss out the type of story points we'll be hitting is to look at the more recent posts about Luka, Hyuna, and Wiege as a whole.

Three lyrics teasers (the only ones we've gotten since there were no lyrics in the actual video teaser):

After turning these over in my head for a few weeks, I've realized that I find these images in relation to Luka and Hyuna as really indicative of their characterization and motivations. Luka seems so heartless to the viewers, especially after Round 7, but what we've gotten from the teaser paints him as so emotional, sentimental even. It's clear he's having more than a few flashes to the past in his POV. Hyuna has had flashbacks too, cough Hyunwoo rock cough, but whenever she has them, she quickly panics and pushes them from her mind. She's always running from the past while Luka seems to hold onto it as the only thing he has left to live for - something that's already gone. Hyuna, on the other hand, is literally crawling on her hands and knees with a stump of a leg to escape her past. Everything she had to live for is gone, so she has to find something else to live for. She has to push on.

(The lighting and composition of these is also fun to think about. Luka's is so bright, detached and dreamlike and Hyuna's is dark, personal, nightmarish.)

There's the Hyuna comic. It goes into a lot of detail about her past - not necessarily her childhood, but it fills in the gaps from Alien Stage to where she is now in the rebellion and really highlights Isaac since it's from his perspective, additionally giving him more depth as a character with the existence of Jacob and the development of his relationship with Hyuna. We wouldn't be getting Isaac content if Isaac wasn't about to appear. In the video teaser released today, we also see a human hand holding a gun to Luka's head that matches Isaac's skin tone:

So Isaac and Dewey, crashing the party? It's more likely than you'd think.

We have this ALNST Friday gem:

Interesting that it's titled "Disgust" especially since Luka parades around with such a sense of superiority when he performs. But it's just that. A performance. He's disgusted by these failed versions of himself. He's made to be this "angel" but deep down he's revolted, by himself, by what he's made to be, to do. So much of his fascination and infatuation with Hyuna comes from how different they are from each other. He sees in her something that could never grow in something as inhospitable as him. Hope.

In the childhood reflections of each Anakt group, Luka is the only one of any group whose face is scribbled out.

This could easily be from Hyuna's perspective, but it's equally likely and I think perhaps more probable that it's Luka's. He doesn't want to remember himself. He doesn't want to remember the things he did (hence the extension of the scribbles over Hyunwoo's face, leaving Hyuna's face as the only clear one). Hyuluka's relationship is often described as so different from Mizisua and Ivantill, but it really isn't. In all of these images, one thing is obvious: The perfect memories within are all being desperately, painstakingly preserved, protected and hidden from the world. Even as the darkness closes in around Mizi and Sua, Sua keeps Mizi in their safe bubble for as long as she can, protecting her joy, her innocence. Till creates a fishbowl around himself and Ivan - they're isolated, but they're isolated together, alone together. Till keeps their memories safe inside where even he can't touch them, the pain of doing so too great.

And Luka preserves Hyuna's face and fruitlessly tries to rewrite the past by erasing himself from it.

Hyuna and Luka's relationship hasn't had the chance to be fleshed out yet, but now we're here, and if those screencaps from the teaser of Luka flushing and teary-eyed like a child as he looks at Hyuna are anything to go by, it can't be said anymore that she's just a fascination for him. He loved her. He loves her still even after the pain he's caused her, and she's caused him by abandoning their round, their moment in eternity together.

Every other kid had their special person. Mizi and Sua had each other. Ivan had Till, and Till had Ivan and Mizi. Hyuna and Hyunwoo had each other.

But Luka is inhospitable. He is no one's happy memory. He just haunts, and every failed version of himself haunts him.

Will he make a choice like Ivan and Sua did this round? He could throw his life away to cement his place in Hyuna's life. Or he could let her die to "save" her. Either way, he's preserving his perfect image of her - my savior, beautiful lady. I can't see an ending where they both live, personally, though nothing is impossible.

And finally, the morse code at the end:

A-L-I-V-E.

(breathing into a paper bag) which could mean nothing (it definitely doesn't) but I've been team Mizi's friends come back wrong to haunt her since day 1 let it be known

Till has a lot of green flags for having lived through his round altogether. And Sua, mark my words, is coming back for Mizisua round 2 to bring things full circle.

(Could we please have Ivan back too for the holy trinity vivimeng please I'll owe you my life)

So to sum it up:

Isaac and Dewey come for their girl with firepower.

Luka POV all the way; we're probably finding out how Hyunwoo really died and getting a more sympathetic Luka.

Luka is not giving Hyuna up without something.

Someone or someones is not dead and it will be revealed on Friday.

And on that note, we could be getting a teaser for Sua's probable return at the end based on Mizi's capture and apparent absence from the Hyuluka rematch.

Will be releasing my round bingo card soon!

[waynes-multiverse]

Right??! I love some Shaw drama 😂

And honestly, if you do get the books, get the eBook version and use the search for what you want to find because they're looong lol (unless you really want to read them and Colter's current case 😅). I mostly used them for research, but I got really hooked on some parts then 😂 I did read the third in its entirety. I'm really curious where the show is going because in the books, their mom is a lot nicer and less sus loll ➡️ But if you ever wanna know something specific, ask away 😉

Ahh so him wanting to solve his father's murder is what drove him to distance himself from his wife and kids, in order to help him reconcile with Colter. It does make sense, even if it is heartbreaking.

My headcanon was that Russell naturally would have some childhood trauma and would've probably realized more what was going on than his younger siblings (sorta like Dean lol). But my thought was that having kids would probably trigger some subconscious fears, and due to the paranoia he experiences through his job, he seems like someone who would've worried a lot he'd become like his father, so reconnecting with his siblings was a way to close those old wounds and finally move on. No idea if that makes sense, but here we are 😂

Solving the murder was more a means to end for him because he assumed Colter wouldn't believe him without evidence. But you can tell Russell is still a bit in denial about some things and clearly thinks it's better to just leave it be. Luckily, reader and Colter won't let him lol

I was literally just wondering about how he views his mom in all of this. She literally let Colter believe Russell had something to do with Ashton's fall, and then basically told him to get gone. What kind of mother does that? She seems very suss in all of this.

Like I said above, I'm extremely curious what the show is doing because they give us these crumbs that don't match the books 👀

LMAO. I don't know who Manny is, but I already love him! 😂

Manny is the best and sweetest character in all of this. He jumped straight from the prequel to say hi 😂

LOL God, Russell isn't good at this, is he? It's tough to say which one of the Shaw boys got more childhood related trauma affecting their ability to communicate, let alone be emotionally available. 😭

Oh, he really isn't 😆 And I do think Russell is more socially awkward but craves company/family, whereas Colter is smoother talking to people but prefers to be alone lol

Oh my God, Russ… I wasn't expecting you to take it there, but it's an understandable consequence of his PSTD, especially for him as a soldier. It also explains why she picked up Lewis and left him to pull himself together.

I thought a long time about it, but I figured he would at least have some mild PTSD, and (in this story lol) it amplified the childhood trauma. I figured that would make sense for him. And reader packing the kids and leaving was supposed to mirror his childhood and own mother a little. I think in the end, Russell even admired her (and loved her more) for leaving because she put the kids first, and he probably wished his mother had done the same 🥲💔

Ooh again with those lies of omission...

Oh, it never stops with him 😂

But I'm glad Colter and Russell are getting just as much of an honest heart-to-heart as Russ and the reader did. 💜

Aww, glad you enjoyed that! I so wanted to give them a real and honest conversation since the show still hasn't really done that. *sighs* hooray for fanfics! 😂🩵

The Exit Strategy – Part 4

Summary: Russell is ready to hang it all up and retire, open up a brewery, and enjoy the rest of his civilian life. However, there’s one important thing missing before he can take the big plunge. Luckily, he knows just the right person to help him find it.

Pairing: Russell Shaw x Female!Reader

Warnings: 18+, language, fluff, some angst & feels, family secrets, spy stuff, a bit of spiciness

Word Count: 6.5k

A/N: Welcome back, friends! We're diving a bit into Shaw family secrets this week – fully Wayne's version, though. While I did read the books, there's no major spoilers**, so don't you worry. I just played with an idea here 🤓 I also won't be fully diving into the Shaw family life, but some things are heavily hinted to be... fishy here 👀 Enjoy & let me know what you think! 🤍

**There's a small part where Russell tells Colter about their parents. It's mentioned in the books that their mother was a psychiatrist. I took that and ran with it 🤷‍♀️

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Part 4: This Is Not an Exit

“You’ve been walking down memory lane a lot tonight,” you teased with a nudge of his ribs, still tightly cuddled in his warm embrace in the freezing basement.

“Haven’t you?”

“No, I have,” you admitted with a melancholic sigh. “Maybe we should stop dwelling on the past so much. Think more about the future…”

Russell scoffed a small chuckle. “Dory said something similar not that long ago. Actually the reason why I came here.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah,” he sighed, his fingers absently drawing circles on your arm. “I think it’s time we retire, sweetheart. I mean, after everything we’ve been through, I think we deserve to, right? You know, sometimes I wake up in the morning, and I’m surprised we’re even still here, considering how many war zones we’ve been in.”

“Well, you know what they say – beware the old soldier because he’s old for a reason,” you said with a smile.

“Yeah, think I might be getting a little too old…” Russell chucked lightly, running a hand through his long hair. “So? What d’you think? One last hurrah, and then we hang this up? I was thinking maybe we could open up a brewery, you know? A family place. Bet the kids would love it.”

“Sounds nice,” you said with a yearning smile. You wanted all of that and more. “I’d love to retire with you.”

“But?”

You laughed slightly at his anticipating look. “But I don’t think you can yet.”

His eyebrows drew together till they met above the bridge of his freckled nose. “What d’you mean? I just told you I’m ready.”

“You say you are, but you aren’t,” you replied like the annoying Cheshire Cat from Alice in Wonderland. “Have you solved the murder yet?”

Russell licked his lips, which was his telltale sign that you caught him there. After all, you knew him better than anyone in this world – knowing when he needed to be pushed and shoved was part of it.

“No, but I don’t need to anymore. Look, the only reason I wanted to solve it was because I thought I had to prove my innocence to Colter. And well, turns out I didn’t. He believed me anyways, so…”

“That wasn’t the only reason,” you reminded him with a scrutinizing look.

“Maybe, but like I said – Dory thinks we should keep all this bullshit in the past, and after the last three years, I’m starting to agree with her,” Russell said, dragging a hand over his face.

“Look, if that’s what you want–”

“It’s what I want,” he assured you and placed a hand on your thigh, gently squeezing it. “Having my little brother and sister back is enough. I don’t need more. Nothing good ever comes from being greedy.”

You nodded in understanding, clearing your throat. “Still, in the name of our deal to always be honest, I kinda have to confess something.”

Rising from your seat, you dusted off your awful, flowery skirt and wandered to the wall safe once more, retrieving a thick folder from it. You took your place next to Russell again, his questioning eyes meeting yours as you handed him your research.

“When you didn’t come back after a year or so, I started looking into it as well. Might have done a full deep-dive,” you admitted with a bite of your lip.

Russell shot you a chiding look, shaking his head, but most of all, he was worried. “I told you to leave it alone. You don’t know what sorta people we’re dealing with here, but we do know they’re dangerous.”

“I know. I just wanted to help. Figured I could speed it along. I do have more access than you,” you countered softly. “I’m sorry, okay? But I was careful. I promise.”

“Good,” he said and looked at you, interlacing your fingers with his. “‘Cause the last thing I want is losing you over this bullshit, too.”

Nodding, you squeezed his hand in reassurance. “There’s something you should know, though.” He raised his brow anew – you’d always been full of surprises. Life certainly had never been boring. “Someone accessed the files after me.”

“Who?”

“I don’t know. Definitely had a higher clearance than me, though,” you replied.

Russell threw his arms up, and you could see he was getting more upset again. “See? This is what I’m talking about! The whole point of us separating was to keep you and the kids away from it. Otherwise, we could’ve just stayed together, and I could’ve joined Horizon anyways.”

“I know that, too,” you said remorsefully. “But don’t worry. I wasn’t followed, and no one ever came after me. I made sure of it. It’s been two years now. They probably figured it was nothing after I didn’t reach out to you straight away.”

“Still… I don’t want you involved, alright?”

“What about Colter? Doesn’t he want to know? He doesn’t strike me as someone who just lets things go,” you noted observantly.

Russell clicked his tongue – a sign of defeat. “He isn’t, but he’s not gonna find anything either. I mean, the only reason I know is because you were so relentless and kept digging.”

“You haven’t told him what we found out?”

Russell licked his lips and admitted quietly, “No. I don’t think it does anyone any good to keep looking into this.”

Leaning forward and hugging your knees, your head bobbed pensively. “I thought you guys talked about what happened?”

“We did. Kinda… It’s complicated,” he stated, swallowing. “Dory was easy, you know? I guess she never really believed it… But it took a while till Colter even picked up the phone, let alone answered a goddamn text message. Had to get a little annoying.”

You smirked. “Well, you’re good at that. That’s how you won me over.”

“By being persistent?”

“Exactly. Like a tardigrade.” You grinned. “I mean, you kind of are doing it now again, too.”

He chuckled quietly. “Yeah, guess so.”

“Is that why you haven’t told him about me and the kids? Because you’re not sure about him yet?”

“Partially, yeah,” he admitted. “I guess I wanted to protect you. And maybe myself a little, too… Not sure I’m ready for those two worlds to meet yet, you know? I mean, you and the kids are the best things that ever happened to me, and when I look at Colter or Dory, I’m sometimes reminded of the worst things in my life.”

“What about your mother?”

Russell let out an exhaustive sigh that was half amused. “Geez, you haven’t changed a bit. You still ask the most uncomfortable questions possible.”

You laughed a little. “Gathering intelligence in uncomfortable ways is kind of my job, Shaw.”

“Yup, and no one’s better at it than you, sweetheart,” Russell quipped.

“So I’m guessing it’s a no on Mommie Dearest?”

Russell licked his lips, shaking his head. “I don’t wanna see her. Mostly because I don’t even know what to fucking say anymore,” he said. “I don’t want her to meet the kids either.”

“It’s okay,” you assured him and took his hand in yours. “It’s your choice, Russ. We go at your pace, alright?”

“Thank you.” Russell brought your intertwined hands to his lips, kissing the back of your hand before he looked at you deeply, a smile dancing across his plump lips. “I love you.”

You mirrored his smile, your heart fluttering like a wild butterfly in your chest. “I love you, too.”

“I’ll tell them – Dory and Colter. I want this to work,” he promised. “Just… after we finish this. I want him to have a clear head. I prefer not to get him killed, you know?”

“I get it. I thought the same thing when I first met you, too,” you joked, patting his chest. “But you brought him into this. It’s kinda on you.”

Russell scratched his bearded chin. “Yeah, but I didn’t exactly know what I’d bring him into.”

“Didn’t you, though?”

Amused, Russell bobbed his head. “Yeah, maybe I did,” he acknowledged. “You know, when Manny called me–”

Your eyes widened. “Manny called you?”

Russell blinked at you, brow creased in confusion. “Yeah, why?”

“That motherfucker…”

Furiously, you stomped to the desk and grabbed the radio. “Drone-5. This is Queen Bee-1. Report to Hive.”

The static of the radio cracked almost instantly, as if the idiot had been waiting all night for this call. “Yo, Queen Bee-1. How’s my boy?” Manny’s laugh echoed through the basement.

Russell’s glowing cheeks reached his eyes when he heard his friend’s voice. He’d known the guy almost as long as Doug.

“You’re the one who fucking told him?!” you yelled into the radio, almost crushing the device in your hand.

“To be fair, I told him not to engage with tango,” Manny sheepishly replied.

“Ha-ha, funny. Fuck you,” you huffed and tossed Russ the walkie-talkie. He caught it with one hand.

His boyish grin widened as he pushed the button. “You know, Drone-5, you could’ve told me you were actually working this thing.”

“Aw, you know I can’t do that. But I guess congrats on crashing another operation. You’re Worker Bee-3 now. Old habits die hard, huh?” Manny chuckled.

“Yeah, I guess…” Russell replied with a lighthearted chuckle, but his teeth tugged pensively at his lips.

“Great to have you back, brother. Hope this works out for you. See you on the other side, man. Oh, and could you move like three feet to the left and turn the washer off? We can barely hear and see you guys, and Drone-2 just ran out to grab popco–”

“No, absolutely not. Out,” you snapped as you grabbed the radio from Russ. He laughed as you put it furiously back on the desk. You knew what you had signed up for, but you still deserved some privacy. Annoyed, you took off your cross necklace – another bug – and settled down beside him again.

“What did he say when he called you?”

“Nothing much, really. Just told me your coordinates and that you like to pick up your mail at three o’clock at the local post office,” Russell replied.

You shook your head, smiling. “Well, he always loved you, so…” You started to chew on your lower lip, the anxiety in your belly returning. For the sake of your mind and heart, you had to make sure Russell was fully back, and this wasn’t just a fluke. “You know, I worry sometimes that if you don’t face this thing with your family, you’ll always feel this way. I mean, after Lewis was born–”

“I know.” Russell nodded, swallowing thickly. He saw the worry shimmering in your eyes, and it cracked his heart a little. “I know I kinda lost it there. Took me by surprise, too. Trust me. Figured I had dealt with all that shit already, you know? But I guess seeing you with him and feeling all that love myself, I just-… I don’t know. I don’t know how she could do it… Ashton was one thing, but she just stood by. And I don’t even know what the hell she was up to while he took us out into those woods…” He shook his head as if to rattle the answer out of his brain. “And then when we found out you were pregnant again… I mean, I’d barely held it together with Lewis. Everything just became a blur. I couldn’t think straight anymore, and I worried all the time I’d be like them…”

“I tried to help,” you said softly.

“I know you did. Guess this was just something I had to figure out on my own,” he replied with a beat shrug.

“How’s your vision now? Still blurry?”

“Clearer than ever.” A smile flickered alive on his lips, green eyes boring into yours as he leaned in and kissed you slowly like he meant every word. Blowing a raspberry, he then turned his attention to the file in his lap. “So, what am I gonna find in there?”

“Honestly, nothing we haven’t already puzzled together,” you replied, teeth gnawing on your bottom lip. “But I found a couple of names associated with your parents. Thought maybe you could look at them and see if you recognize the person you saw in the woods.”

“I already know where this is going…”

“Russ, please, just–”

Russell interrupted you, placing a soothing palm on your thigh that curbed your enthusiasm. “I’ll think about it, alright?”

Satisfied, you raised two placating hands. “All I was asking…”

“How was the lasagna?”

After four hours in the basement, you and Russell quietly treaded up the stairs a few minutes after midnight, finding Colter in the kitchen, eating leftovers out of the ceramic form in the warm glow of the stove light. Tom, on the other hand, had passed out on the couch, only the blue flickers of the TV and the soft noises of a peaceful nature documentary filling the silence of the dark living room.

“Excellent,” Colter stated, swallowing down a mouthful of lasagna before speaking. “I told Tom he should be a chef in a restaurant or something.”

Russell’s brow knitted in doubt. “Really? Lemme try.”

“You just ate two entire bags of junk. You can’t still be hungry,” you argued with a giggle, shaking your head.

“It’s lasagna,” Russell said simply, grabbed a fork from the drawer, and dove right in.

That man would eat anything. You’d seen him do it, too. He didn’t even go hungry when he was lost in a desert.

“Wow, that is good,” Russell announced his judgement with a full mouth. “Maybe we should hire Tom for the brewery, huh?”

“I’m guessing this means you two talked?” Colter asked with a carefully arched brow.

“Hmm. I don’t know,” Russell mused in jest. “What d’you say, sweetheart? You taking me back?”

You rolled your eyes at his antics. “Guess I have to. God knows returning you is impossible.”

Russell laughed and slung an arm around your waist, pulling you closer. He kissed your temple.

But then you noticed Colter’s smile falter, his brows creasing in question. “Is your hair different?”

“Shit!”

Wide-eyed, you bolted back down the creaking stairs to the basement, hearing Russell’s laughter fill the kitchen.

“Was she wearing a wig? And her eyes too, right?” Puzzled, Colter tried to piece it all together. He had already figured by your extensive vocabulary of swear words that you might be a better match for his older brother than he had initially surmised.

“Yup, all fake, man,” Russell confirmed and smirked. “Still think she’s not my type yet?”

“No, I can see it now,” Colter admitted, chuckling. “So, you guys are good?”

“Yeah, I think so.” Russell nodded and shoved his hands into the pockets of his jacket, swallowing.

Colter’s smile widened, filling the older Shaw’s stomach with more guilt. “That’s great. Happy for you, man. Guess that means you’re retiring now, huh?”

Russell scratched the back of his neck. “Uh, we’ll see. Always depends on what the wife decides, you know?”

Yup, he sprinkled that important bit of information into a joke. Then, he watched his little brother take a stumped step back, brow furrowing and unfurrowing and then furrowing again.

“Wha-, wife?”

Russell produced a popping sound with his lips like the noise of a bottle when the cork was pulled. Welp, this bottle was surely open now.

“Yup, got married in Thailand in 2011,” he added another helpful tidbit of information, but Colter’s jaw dislodged all the same.

“Alright, got this all figured out,” you said, sauntering back into the kitchen with a pastel pink towel wrapped around your head and a matching bathrobe. You’d just grabbed them from the dryer, the fluffy material still cozily warm. It was the best option, considering you didn’t want to mess around with your wig as well after popping the lenses back in had already cost you most of your patience. In your little bubble of bliss, you hadn’t instantly noticed the brothers staring at you. But once you did, your brows morphed into a frown. “What’s going on?”

“You two are married?” Colter asked, a pointed finger flicking from Russell to you.

You threw your arms up, looking at your husband. “I was gone for five minutes! What happened to telling him after the operation?”

Russell offered you a sheepish shrug. “Well, this old soldier’s getting weak too, apparently.”

“He said it like a joke…” Colter mumbled, still in the middle of processing this new revelation. His older, estranged-but-now-less-strange brother had a wife. A family. Friends. And he knew none of it. What else was there? Kids?

“Yeah, he does that...” You shot your husband a scolding sideways look. “Should I leave you two alone for this?” you then offered, hoping the answer was a goddamn yes.

“Why would you? You’re family, right?” Colter retorted with a dry smile and a sharp look.

You pursed your lips. While you could see some similarities between the brothers, you took note of one big difference: Russell wasn’t as sarcastic and sharp-tongued. Probably because Russell had always been more concerned with what he should, would, or could share with people in an overthinking loop, while his younger brother seemed obviously free of that burden.

“Don’t take it out on her,” Russell stepped in gently, which really was a warning. “She didn’t know about any of this. Kinda pushed her into it.”

“Seems to be your style,” Colter scoffed.

“Can’t work for the CIA without going through a baptism of fire, little brother,” Russell said simply, giving an unapologetic shrug of his shoulders.

“Why would you not tell me?” Colter stared at him, his look a mix of reproach and agitation.

“Look, you weren’t exactly welcoming during our first meeting,” Russell argued with a bit of bark in his deep voice, although confrontation was probably not the best approach. But why should he always have to take the blame for everything? He’d already done that for more than two decades.

“That was months ago,” Colter countered, scowling. “I’d like to think I’ve come around since then… Coulda told me after we saved Doug.”

Russell let out a small sigh of defeat, rolling his eyes back slightly. He rubbed the bridge of his nose. “No, yeah, you’re right. I’m sorry, man, alright?” he apologized earnestly.

With a questioning brow, you carefully nudged your husband’s arm. “What happened to Doug? Is he alright?”

“Yeah, uh, he went to work for Horizon with me. I’ll tell you later, okay?” Russell replied, his voice a lot quieter as if sharing a secret, and if Horizon was involved he probably was.

“Is Tracy okay?”

“She’s fine. Little shook up. You should probably give her a call. Smooth things out,” Russell told you.

Tracy thought you worked in marketing at some company for the government. Whenever you, Russell, and Doug were stuck on a mission, the boys made you call her to “smooth things out” – aka reassuring her everything was certainly fine with her husband and he wasn't in any danger at all. They’d once made you call her from a Black Hawk. The noise had been fun to explain away – you’d told her you were picking up a client from a helicopter pad.

Colter chewed on the insides of his cheeks. “So she knows Doug, too?”

Russell nodded. “Yeah, me and Doug were mostly Delta, but SAD liked to borrow us from time to time. We ran in her team for quite a while. She was actually the one who recruited me.”

At his little wink your way, you smiled. He’d come along way from the sweet boy you had once teased like a special-forces-trained kindergartner.

“Listen, things were obviously a little complicated between me and her the last few years,” Russell (under)stated. “But I’ve brought you here for a reason, okay? Figured it’s time you meet your sister-in-law.”

Eyes drifting from you to Russell, Colter pursed his lips – a tell he shared with his brother.

“Are you mad? I can’t tell.” Frowning, Russell tilted his head.

“No,” you absentmindedly replied for Colter, who gave you a curious look but steered his attention back to Russell.

“No,” the younger Shaw repeated your assumption. “I mean, not more than I was before, you know?”

Russell’s creases only deepened. “No, I don’t know.”

“He means he’s indifferent about knowing or not knowing we’re married because he’s already pissed about not knowing about my existence in general,” you explained.

“Ah. Your nerd is showing, sweetheart,” Russell teased you with a smile that made your heart melt.

“Dory would like her,” Colter commented like the thought had just popped into his head – something else he didn’t share with his brother.

You’d always wondered about the youngest Shaw of the three. Russell could never tell you much about Dory. His memory had been one of a smart and feisty nine-year-old, not a young woman and physics professor.

Thumbing at you, Russell cocked a brow at his brother. “Is she right, though?”

“Spot on, actually.” Colter’s tongue poked his cheek, his gaze flickering with a hint of astonishment and new-found respect for you. “And I guess I’m not really mad either way. Just… surprising, you know? I should’ve asked. That’s on me.”

Russell seemed more than a little baffled to hear this, considering he had to pause to find an appropriate response. “No, uh, we’re good. I could’ve just told you, anyways.”

“Yeah, no, that’s alright.” Colter swallowed, sending his older brother a smile of forgiveness. “Honestly, I was glad to hear you weren’t alone all this time, so…”

Russell’s Adam’s apple bobbed as he pushed down the lump in his throat. With a nod, he averted his green eyes to the kitchen floor. “Thanks, man. Appreciate it.”

“Aw, aren’t you guys adorable,” you teased.

Colter wanted to retort something dry-witted, but Russell held up a warning finger. “Ah – wait for it… Trust me. She’s not done.”

“You girls need tissues or a tampon, maybe?”

“Oh, Dory would definitely like her,” Colter repeated his earlier statement with an amused grin.

Russell, on the other hand, shot you a pointed look, but that had barely ever stopped you before. “Okay, you can lay down. You don’t have to give him the initiation. No hazing my little brother,” he ordered you sternly, and you stifled a snort. “And no one better kidnaps him tonight and puts a bag over his head, alright? I don’t wanna pick him up beaten and bloody from some warehouse tomorrow morning.”

“Hm, what?” Colter’s brow furrowed. For the first time, you could see slight panic spread in his pupils.

Who was hazing who now?

You rolled your eyes in feigned annoyance. “Fine, we’ll leave him alone,” you acted your capitulation.

The younger Shaw blinked at you. “Thank you?”

“Should we at least tell him about the other thing while we’re at it?” you asked Russell with a suggestive look.

Thoughtfully, he paused for a beat, then clicked his tongue. “No, I got it from here. It’s getting late. We’ve been here long enough,” he decided. “This is less becoming a friendly ‘welcome-to -the-neighborhood’ dinner and more starting to look like an orgy to the neighbors. Especially since you’ve put on the robe.”

“It just came from the dryer. Look, it’s so soft and warm,” you argued, pouting, your palms caressing the fluffy material on your arms.

“Uh-huh.”

The little bob of his Adam’s apple made you grin slyly. The way his jaw ticked and his pupils widened with a primal hunger, you could tell he wanted to tear that robe right off of you. The thought caused a shudder to run down your spine.

“What, uh, other thing do you have to tell me?” Colter asked and smiled expectantly, tapping his fingers on the the counter.

Russell, however, grabbed his arm and dragged his curious little brother toward the exit. “I’ll tell you in the car,” he said and thumbed to the front door behind his shoulder. “Wait outside. Gimme five minutes, alright?”

Wordlessly, Colter nodded without argument, gave you a quick goodbye-wave of his hand, and strolled leisurely back to his car as if he knew exactly what his older brother intended to do.

As expected, Russell impatiently conquered your lips, roughly pressing you against the foyer’s wall, your arms draping around his neck.

“What’s the bedroom situation in this place?” he asked between kisses.

“First floor, west side, third window from the right. I’ll leave it unlatched,” you replied, smiling against his lips. “Tom’s always sleeping on the couch. Part of our cover is going to marriage counseling with Pastor Jeff, which happens to work out great for us.”

You exhaled a shuddered breath when one of his hands wandered past the robe and splayed warm against your ribcage, just underneath your breast. His thumb fought an itch to get closer.

“Wouldn’t do that, baby,” you murmured into his ear with an amused smirk. “That boner’s not gonna go away in five minutes.”

“Mmm, I know,” he groaned and dropped his head between your boobs, lips pressing a chaste kiss to your collarbone. If he continued on with this, your arousal would surely streak down your bare thighs soon. Luckily, he had mercy on the both of you. “I’ll talk to him and then come back, okay?”

You nodded with a smile. He kissed your lips, then your forehead, and then disappeared through the door with the same cometary velocity he had entered your vision.

And all you could do was hope you’d see him one more time in your life.

“So?”

4.3 seconds after Colter killed the engine of his pickup in a spot a block away to the west side of your house – as per Russell’s very specific instruction – he stared scrutinizingly at his older brother.

Impatience was also a family trait – one even their father had despised.

“Look, uhm, there’s no easy way to break the news…”

“Is this about you having two kids?”

When Russell’s eyes met Colter’s, he didn’t recognize any anger, hurt or resentment in them – just pure slyness. At least that was good news. His little brother was just going to be annoying about this whole thing.

“Yeah, remember those five minutes you left me alone in the car? I called Bobby. Had him check some things out for me. Wasn’t easy to find. I’ll give you that…”

As expected, Colter was going to be a smartass about it. He figured it out on his own. He won the game.

“Hmm.” Russell pursed his lips, nodding. “You do know the CIA is on your guy’s ass now, right? Shouldn’t have done it in their perimeter, man. Manny’s probably all over this by now…”

Then his brow knit as if the thought of his old friend had provoked an idea, his head tilting with narrowed eyes at the air vents on the dashboard. How long had that car been parked outside and out of sight again?

Like a game of Operation, Russell then used thumb and pointer finger as his tweezers to retrieve a tiny bug – the spy kind.

“Gotcha,” Russell muttered, smirking. He then held the bug close to the speakers of the radio before turning up the volume to its highest setting – only for a second. He switched the radio off, rolled down the window, and threw the unwanted listening device onto the pavement. “That should teach ‘em a lesson…”

Colter cocked an incredulous brow at his brother. “They bugged my car?”

“Oh, trust me, they bug anything they can get their greedy little hands on,” Russell retorted. “Would probably check for a tracker underneath, too.”

“Great, thanks,” Colter huffed wryly.

“Hey, you wanted in. That’s what they do,” Russell reminded him, shrugging, but there was a smile of amusement on his lips.

Colter only bobbed his head. “So, you and her? You guys are good now? Just like that? Seemed… easy. Sorta…”

Russell chuckled lightly, brushing a hand through his beard. He knew his relationship with you was unconventional, but it had always worked for you and him.

“Me and Y/N have a deal, you know? It’s not all black and white. I mean, we became aware a long time ago that the two of us operate in a lot of gray zones. But, uh, we always know we can rely on each other, you know? Doesn’t matter if we’ve been separated by time or space,” Russell explained to the best of his abilities.

“So what happened?” Colter prompted with the same amount of confusion. “Why did you guys split up? I saw on the birth certificate your daughter was only two years old. I mean, did you-… did you even know?”

Russell inhaled deeply, nodding. “I knew she was pregnant. When she told me back then, I-…” He paused, licking his lips. It wasn’t something he had ever talked about with anyone before – not even you. “Well, shortly after that, I had a breakdown and I-… I almost hurt her.” He choked on the words, fighting the sting in his eyes.

He’d tried so hard to forget, wasn’t even sure he had ever really apologized for it to you because he so badly didn’t want it to exist that he’d tried to wish it out of literal existence, and hence, never really blamed you for leaving like you did. He understood. In fact, he had even wished you’d leave. He had convinced himself you’d be better off without him – something he still believed to be true – but he also knew he wasn’t better off without you.

He’d been lost and alone. And maybe, he was being selfish by crashing back into your life now. Or Dory’s. And Colter’s.

“I mean, nothing ever really bad happened. It’s just-… That night I came scarily close,” Russell confessed, swallowing thickly. He still hated himself for that night and everything that followed. “It’s like a switch flipped, you know? I couldn’t do anything against it… And Lewis saw parts of it, and I was already impatient with him and short with her the weeks before, so I just left that night and disappeared for two months. Volunteered for some mission. Figured it was best for everybody.”

It’s better off if he never comes back…

Russell licked his chapped lips. The next part was the hardest.

“When I got back, she told me she got a job offer in another country, and that she would be taking it and taking Lewis with her. She wanted me to use the time to… I don’t know… solve this, I guess.” He let out a humorless scoff at the painful memory.

Russell hadn’t seen it at first, maybe because he hadn’t wanted to, his anger and pain blurring the truth. After his son had been born, Russell knew you could see him struggling, so you started digging deeper into his family and what really happened. And when you’d found something – Horizon – you’d told him you could infiltrate. Naturally, Russell had passed a hard no – it had been a five-hour long fight, but he'd emerged victoriously by the end. So, you’d told him he should do it, but he didn’t want to leave you, and he didn’t want to endanger and jeopardize his family.

He’d told he was fine, but he wasn’t. It kept gnawing on him – and gnawing and gnawing and gnawing… till you eventually pulled the plug and ended his suffering.

“I was exhausted, so I told her we’d talk about it in the morning. When I woke up, they were gone. Didn’t even notice she’d already packed.”

Colter was silent for a beat. “Was it PTSD or something?”

“Or somethin’,” replied Russell.

“But you’re good now?” Colter checked with a warily raised brow.

“Guess so…”

Truthfully, Russell didn’t know if he was or wasn’t. He’d tried hard to figure out what it was exactly that had set him off that night and fix it, but he didn’t know if that feeling would ever disappear for good. He just knew he had never felt that way again since then. But could he guarantee it would never come back?

He didn’t know.

“Look, all I know is, seeing you and Dory again helped, so…” Russell twitched his shoulders and sighed. He didn’t know what else to say, how to explain it better, but Colter seemed to understand anyway, reading between the lines.

Russell worried he’d be like their father.

“I think I get it.” The younger Shaw nodded and licked his lips. “You know, you’re not crazy like Dad was, Russ. I mean, don’t get me wrong, you’re crazy in your own way, but I wouldn’t worry about the other stuff.”

“Well, thanks,” Russell said, not convinced but appreciative of the vote of confidence. “Makes at least one of us…”

“I-, uh, I noticed their names,” Colter then said and clarified, “Lewis and Amelia. Like explorers. Like us.”

“Ah.” Russell smacked his lips and brushed it off, “Wasn’t really my idea. I told Y/N that story once. Guess she took a liking to it..”

“Are you, you know, gonna tell Mom?”

Russell was almost surprised by the question. The brothers had barely talked about their mother since they’d reconnected. Considering Colter had never brought her up again after their first meeting, Russell figured there was a reason for that – and he thought he probably knew the reason, too.

Russell scoffed a chuckle and looked at his little brother with an almost incredulous look. “I think you can guess the answer to that one,” he replied and figured it said enough. “Did you tell her I came back?”

Colter pursed his lips, and Russell took it as a sign of admission. So his mother knew. Great…

“Sorta,” Colter admitted hesitantly.

“What d’she say?” Russell almost smiled out of amusement. He already knew the answer, but his brother still seemed reluctant. “C’mon, you can tell me. I’m not gonna be butthurt after twenty years…”

“She told me to ignore you,” Colter finally confessed, but the words left a bitter taste in his mouth. They had ever since his mother said them, but even more so now that he knew his brother – and parts of the truth.

“Hmm,” Russell hummed with tight lips and ground his jaw.

Granted, the confession stung more than Russell would ever be willing to admit. The tiny, naive part inside of him had constructed a hopeless fantasy of his mother having a sudden change of heart over the last two decades and happily welcoming her firstborn back. Apparently, not a thing had changed, though, and he cursed himself for feeling disheartened.

“But I actually haven’t talked to her in a while now,” Colter added with a small shrug, tapping his fingers on the steering wheel.

“Huh, really?”

“Yeah, uh, and when I did, I didn’t exactly tell her I didn’t take her advice, you know? So…”

“Why not?” Russell’s brow furrowed a little more as he analyzed each word, simultaneously realizing why he had been so reluctant to share his life with Colter before – his subconscious had been afraid his alienated little brother would report back to the mothership.

Colter’s lips pursed. “Because I disagree.”

“Ah.”

Colter chewed on his lower lip. “Look, I know you and Dory wanna keep all of this in the past and play family – and trust me, I want that too,” he assured, but his heart was beating fast in his chest. “But I need to know, man. I need to know why she lied about this for twenty years and, you know, did all of this,” he insisted, and yet, Russell could tell he wasn’t done. He might have broken the dam. “She did it to you. I mean, aren’t you mad?”

“Of course I’m mad,” the older Shaw admitted, but there was no fire behind his words.

“Then why are you so calm?”

Amused, Russell chuckled, shrugging. “Probably ‘cause I’ve been dealing with this a lot longer than you, little brother.”

“So, what are we gonna do now?”

“We ain’t gonna do anything,” Russell clarified, his voice stern. He’d die to protect his family, you and the kids, and do anything in his power to keep you out of it, but Colter was a grown-up – a free agent. If he didn’t want to listen, Russell couldn’t force him. “Look, you wanna find out, you go find out. And if you do find something and need help, you call. But I can’t be involved in this,” he explained, his firm expression morphing into something more vulnerable and sincere. “And frankly, I don’t care that much. You, me, Dory, Y/N, the kids – that’s all that matters, trust me. You’re not gonna feel better or more… whole after finding those answers.”

“How do you know? Do you know what really happened?” Colter instantly asked, and Russell knew in that moment, it’d be hopeless. His brother wouldn’t stop till he found it – forever restless.

“No, I told you. I don’t,” Russell repeated, and while he didn’t know everything, he omitted that he knew something.

“What about Y/N?”

Russell froze at the bare mention of your name, his protective instincts kicking in. “Leave her out of this,” he all but snarled.

But Colter didn’t think about stopping. “Did you ever ask her? I mean, she’s CIA. She could probably find out something, right?”

“Yeah, I asked her once, alright? Was a long time ago,” Russell admitted, sighing. The intended lie would stick better if there was some truth to it – you had taught him that.

“C’mon, Russ… And?” Colter impatiently threw his arms up, brow raising higher and higher as he waited for an answer.

“She never found anything,” Russell said with a nonchalant shrug of his shoulders.

This time, it wasn’t just an omission. It was a blatant lie.

“I think whatever Dad was involved in – or both of ‘em – was just some activist shit. I don’t think the government cares.” Lie. “We both know he had a mental thing. Paranoid, probably schizophrenic… I mean, Mom used to pump him full of meds sometimes when he got too out of hand.” Truth. He then stole a glance at his little brother and saw the confusion shimmering on his face. Russell scoffed. “You didn’t know that, did you?”

Quietly, Colter shook his head.

“Well, you were a kid,” Russell said and hoped it would curb the blow slightly, although he knew better than that. “He always took something as far back as I can remember. She used to prepare his pills every evening after you and Dory went to bed. But when we moved to the cabin, he started refusing to take them. Said they made him ‘not clear-headed enough.’ Kinda ironic,” he shared and snorted. “When it got too bad, though, she’d still crush ‘em into his food.”

Colter took everything in with a nod but didn’t say anything more.

“You good over there?” Russell checked after a full minute had passed.

“Yeah,” Colter said and even tried to form a reassuring smile before the attempt failed. Instead, he swallowed. “Just a lot, you know? I didn’t know. I mean, I had some idea, but not-… not that.”

“Yeah, I figured,” Russell said, his voice almost a whisper in the silence of the night. “Like I said, you were a kid…”

When Russell finally left the car to sneak back to you, his shoulders felt a little lighter and his heart a little calmer. He might just float through that unlatched window tonight.

The bad news was, though, he might not be able to retire just yet.

Part 5: This Is a Start

Honestly, I should've called this chapter "Heart-to-Heart Part II" 😂 I'll see you for the finale next week, but as you know, it's not the end for them – only just the beginning 😉

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[syvellsworld]

Gerrit about his time at school, mobbing and his best period in life. From the Q&A he did on Twitch on February 6th 2025.

German original / transcript:

Q: Wie war deine Schulzeit und welcher Abschnitt im Leben war bisher dein bester?

G: Meine Schulzeit war offen und ehrlich gesagt scheisse. Ich habe Schule einfach von Tag eins bis zum letzen Tag mit all den Umwegen die ich genommen habe mit ganz wenigen Ausnahmen überhaupt nicht genossen. Ich habe dieses Konzept einfach nie verstanden und habe es nie gemocht. Ich hatte mich nie sonderlich wohl unter Mitschülern gefühlt, ich hatte auch ganz ganz große Mobbing Probleme irgendwann in der Pubertät, also ich in der Rolle des Mobbingopfers und Lehrer, die das nicht ernst genommen haben. Ich weiß das ist auch immer noch ein Thema heutzutage, offensichtlich wird das nicht richtig in den Griff gekriegt, dass etwas gegen Mobbing unternommen wird, dass Lehrer das ernst nehmen. Vielleicht schon ein bißchen ernster als noch vor 20 Jahren als es bei mir alles der Fall war, aber es war auf jeden Fall damals ganz ganz große Scheisse und ich hatte immer ein bißchen das Problem, und das habe ich auch immer noch, dass ich mich nicht für etwas begeistere oder Leistung in etwas erbringen kann, wofür ich mich nicht wirklich 100% interessiere und ich Bock drauf habe. Und das einzige worauf ich immer Bock hatte war Musik, aber selbst da waren meine Noten grauenhaft schlecht, aber vor allem weil der Musikunterricht relativ wenig mit Musik zu tun hatte zum Teil, das war schon ein bißchen weird.

Aber davon ganz abgesehen, dieses ganze Allgemeinwissen und Algebra und Gedichte interpretieren in Deutsch und was immer, da hatte ich sowas von keinen Bock drauf und musste es aber machen. Und wenn ich etwas machen *muss*, musste und wie gesagt, das gleiche Problem habe ich immer noch: wenn ich etwas machen *muss* bin ich schon mal, nehme ich schon mal so eine Antihaltung ein, unter dem Motto: "Unter diesen Umständen komnen wir nicht ins Geschäft." Das heißt das schlägt sich in der Schulzeit, in der man nun mal Dinge machen muss, gehört nun mal leider dazu, schlägt sich natürlich negativ nieder und dementsprechend habe ich meine Schulzeit nie sonderlich genossen und ich denke mal dass viele meiner Lehrer mich auch nicht sonderlich genossen haben oder nicht verstanden haben, warum bei mir nichts zu holen ist, obwohl ich doch vielleicht nicht der unintelligenteste Mensch bin aber einfach, keine Ahnung, kein sehr leistungsorientierter Mensch bin, das steht nun mal zum krassen Kontrast was Schule darstellt. Das ist natürlich ein Leistungskonzept und unsere Gesellschaft hat ein Leistungskonzept und gerade in der Schulzeit, wie gesagt, war das etwas, vorauf ich überhaupt nicht konnte und was sich in Noten niedergeschlagen hat, sich in meiner Lust zu Schule zu gehen niedergeschlagen hat, die Zeit meines Lebens gering bis gar nicht vorhanden war und bin ich froh das hinter mir zu haben und zum Beispiel mein Studium, mein Tontechnik Studium, was ich vorhin erwähnt hatte an der SAE, dass ich das auch hinter mich gebracht habe, weil auch das ist ja in gewisser Weise eine Schulsituation. Das war natürlich etwas angenehmer als eine allgemeinbildende Schule, aber es war trotzdem eine Lernsituation. Ich habe danach gesagt, ich möchte nie wieder auf irgendeiner Schulbank sitzen, nie wieder in einer Lehrsituation sein, ich habe da keinen Bock mehr drauf. Ich hatte noch nie Bock drauf und ich möchte es auch nie mehr machen. Das heißt also dieses "Ach, vielleicht in meinen Dreissigern noch mal studieren" wenn ich Zeit und Bock habe, warum nicht... bleib mir weg, nee, also...

Also ja, meine Schulzeit: ungeil. Und ich möchte es auch nicht Schullaufbahn nennen, ich möchte es eher Schulhürdenlauf nennen, weil auch gewisse Ehrenrunden, die ich gedreht habe und vom Gymnasium auf die Realschule runtergestuft, weil ich irgendwann einfach gar nichts mehr geschissen gekriegt habe und dann irgendwann, mit einem ganz schön schlechten, fast nicht bestanden Mittlere Reife oder erweiterten Realschulabschluss dann wieder zurück auf die Oberstufe ans Gymnasium und geguckt, naja, vielleicht schaffe ich es ja doch mit dem Abi, habe dann nach der elften dann abgebrochen. Nach der elften war ich eigentlich in der dreizehnten, weil ich zum Zeitpunkt schon zwei Schuljahre wiederholt hatte, ich habe quasi dreizehn Jahre Schule gemacht, obwohl ich nach der elften abgebrochen habe, kein Abi und auch meine mittlere Reife ist unfassbar schlecht, weil ich weder Bock hatte noch mich in Prüfungssituationen wohlgefühlt habe. Prüfungsangst kam dann hinzu und hat mir alles versaut und ja: ist nicht meins, war nie meins und ich bin froh, dass ich das hinter mir habe.

Dementsprechend, daran schließt sich direkt der zweite Teil der Frage an "Welcher Abschnitt im Leben war bisher dein bester". Defintiv alles, was nach der Schule kam. Oder, um es genauer zu sagen, alles was nach dem Studium kam, also alles seitdem, also, ich will jetzt nicht auf die Tränendrüse drücken und nicht alles irgendwie, also ich will nicht sagen, dass ich alles auf diese eine Karte setze, aber alles, seitdem mich Chris damals gefragt hat, ob ich nicht zufälligerweise in seine Band eintreten möchte. Alles, was danach kam und bis heute anhält ist für mich der beste Abschnitt in meinem Leben und das darf auch gerne noch so weitergehen. Alles davor: notwendiges Übel, sagen wir mal so. Und bevor das hier zu traurig und zu düster wird, schaue ich mal, was wir noch für Fragen haben.

English translation:

Q: What was your time at school like and what was your best period in life so far?

G: My time at school was, to be honest, crap. From day one to day one, with all the detours I took, I simply didn't enjoy school at all, with very few exceptions. I just never understood the concept and never liked it. I never felt particularly comfortable with my classmates, I also had major bullying problems at some point during puberty, when I was the victim of bullying and teachers didn't take it seriously. I know that's still an issue today, it's obvious that it's not really being tackled, that something is being done about bullying, that teachers aren't taking it seriously. Maybe a bit more serious than 20 years ago when all of that was the case for me, but it was definitely really, really bad back then and I always had a bit of a problem, and I still have it, that I can't get excited about something or perform well in something that I'm not 100% interested in and don't feel like doing. And the only thing I was always interested in was music, but even then my grades were awful, but mainly because the music lessons had relatively little to do with music, that was a bit weird.

But apart from that, all this general knowledge and algebra and interpreting poems in German and whatever, I just didn't feel like doing it and yet I had to do it. And when I *have to* do something, had to do it, and as I said, I still have the same problem: when I *have to* do something, I take an anti-attitude, under the motto: "We can't do business under these circumstances." That means that it has a negative impact on school time, where you have to do things, unfortunately that's part of it, and of course it has a negative impact and as a result I never particularly enjoyed my time at school and I think that many of my teachers didn't particularly enjoy me either or didn't understand why there was nothing to be gained from me, even though I'm perhaps not the least intelligent person but I'm just, I don't know, not a very achievement-oriented person, which is in stark contrast to what school is all about. That is of course a performance concept and our society has a performance concept and especially during my school days, as I said, that was something I was absolutely not good at and that was reflected in my grades, reflected in my desire to go to school, that time in my life was little to non-existent and I am glad to have that behind me and, for example, my studies, my sound engineering studies, which I mentioned earlier at the SAE, that I have also got that behind me because that is also a school situation in a certain way. It was of course a bit more pleasant than a general education school, but it was still a learning situation. Afterwards I said that I never want to sit on a school bench again, never want to be in a teaching situation again, I don't feel like it anymore. I have never felt like it and I never want to do it again. So that means this "Oh, maybe I'll study again in my thirties" if I have the time and the desire, why not... stay away from me, no, well...

So yes, my school days: not great. And I don't want to call it a school career, I would rather call it a school hurdle race, because I also did certain laps of honour and was downgraded from grammar school to secondary school because at some point I just couldn't get anything done anymore and then at some point, with a really bad, almost failed intermediate school leaving certificate or extended secondary school leaving certificate, I went back to the upper school at grammar school and thought, well, maybe I'll manage to get my A-levels after all, and then I dropped out after the eleventh grade. After the eleventh grade I was actually in the thirteenth because I had already repeated two school years at that point, I basically did thirteen years of school, even though I dropped out after the eleventh grade, no A-levels and my intermediate school leaving certificate is also incredibly bad because I didn't feel like it and didn't feel comfortable in exam situations. Test anxiety then came along and ruined everything for me and yes: it's not my thing, it was never my thing and I'm glad that I've got that behind me.

Accordingly, the second part of the question follows directly on from this: "What period of your life has been your best so far?" Definitely everything that came after school. Or, to be more precise, everything that came after university, so everything since then, well, I don't want to pull the wool over your eyes and not everything, I don't want to say that I'm putting everything on this one card, but everything since Chris asked me if I wanted to join his band. Everything that came after that and continues to this day is the best part of my life for me and I hope it continues like that. Everything before that: a necessary evil, let's put it that way. And before this gets too sad and too dark, I'll see what other questions we have.

[triglycercule]

horror is so BLESSED he's the only one out of the murder time trio that has actual good people trying to influence his story 💔💔 dust and killer were both driven to INSANITY because of the choices of their respective humans but horror??? every time without FAIL the polls for horrortale's plotline have always ended in a good place for aliza (either by bettering her relationships/reputation or for her to just. not DIE)

horrortale's potential alternate timelines my beLOVEd🙏🙏 they're SO lucky that we're being kind and benevolent hehe (≧ω≦) now where are the aus based off the possible different outcomes that could've happened in horrortale HUH???? (like how aliza couldve killed toriel or chosen horror's puzzle or gone with undyne to the core........)

[puppppppppy]

who up seeing their disorder in a fictional character but feel like its not their place to put a name on it

[pixie77x2001]

Here are my answers :D

Giacomo: Giacomo isn’t only my favorite character but also my comfort character Giacomo has helped me mentally when I was having a difficult time of my life due to personal reasons (won’t explain it btw) but if I could speak to Giacomo personally like ever I would thank him for making my days a lot brighter when I was going through a lot and since 2023 back in November I started simping for him since he makes me so happy

Giacomo: (yes again lol) I liked him the first time I saw him and I know his first battle with him is quick but I always enjoyed seeing him and pretty much the same reason why I favorite him as my favorite team star member

Teal Mask DLC: i honestly enjoyed the area and the music too I find it very relaxing yet fun to play and do on there and also got to meet Kieran for the first time and yes my all time favorite character from the DLC

Drayton: I would say Drayton not only he immediately became my all time favorite elite four member but also straight up hilarious and I love his lay back vibe and honestly I don’t see him as a “Jerk” to me he’s just a chill guy after all

Here’s my opinion on the area zero crew: (note: don’t hate on me for my humble opinion) (Penny: I really love her character a lot and I honestly see my younger self in her and yet she reminds me so much of myself probably the most relatable character I relate to my favorite poke girl by far) (Nemona: I do like her character too I especially love her love for Pokémon battles and especially her bubbly personality not my most favorite character but I like her better then other characters) (Arven: I’m not crazy about Arven I do like him quite funny and all but one thing that makes me angry that he literally spams the “rock polish” a while I’m doing all the heavy work like it always makes me so angry I know defensive is good but it can’t completely save you but other then that I do like him not enough to be a love or be a favorite though)

Here’s my opinion on the sibling relationship between Kieran & Carmine: honestly I prefer Kieran over Carmine because not only she treats him horribly and was horrible to him in general but make us lie to Kieran! I won’t ever forgive Carmine for that and no one can make me like her like at all

Here’s my opinion on the BB league members: I find them a fun yet relatable friend group and I love each and every one of them sm

Slither Wing: my god what a cutie I love how fluffy it is and it’s probably my all time favorite and I may use it sometime whenever I replay the game :O

Revavroom: I would say Revavroom not only it’s a cool Pokémon and it’s both my favorite steel and poison type it honestly has the best shiny form I ever seen like a GOLDEN CAR like come on! You can’t tell me that isn’t one of the most prettiest shinys ever and true story I also lost a shiny Revavroom that disappeared before I could get to it I was is upset and still am :’/

Starfall Street: I love the story behind team star and the quest itself not only because I get to see my two favorites Giacomo and Atticus But the story of team star had my attention the most in the game i love coming up with theories about them as for team star’s bullies…whoever they were I’m not forgiving them especially when they hurt my boi Giacomo (may do a post of my theories on team star’s bullies in the future) was such a emotional yet heart warming story and overall probably the most relatable back story because I was bullied as well back in school so if I knew Team star’s sooner I could give them a call lol

Here are my thoughts: I do hope to see a sequel because not only I wanna see who team star bullies were since there off screen characters at the moment but to see flashbacks that we didn’t get to see like see team star’s bullies from there view and figure out where they been all that time after leaving the academy and also see what team star from is up too but like I said I will make a future post on my theory on them soon so stay tuned for that)

Please don’t hate on my opinion on the things I listed

Pokemon Scarvio themed reblog/tag game!

-- ❤️: Favorite character?

-- ⭐️: Favorite Team Star member?

-- 0️⃣: Favorite DLC character?

-- 💥: Favorite Gym leader/Elite four?

-- 📝: Opinion on each of the Zero Crew? (Arven, Penny, Nemona)

-- 🌲: Opinion on the Kitakami siblings?

-- 🫐: Opinion on the BB league members?

-- ⏱️: Favorite Paradox Pokemon?

-- 💛: Favorite Paldean Pokemon?

-- 📖: Favorite storyline? (Ex: Mochi mayhem, Starfall street)

-- 🗣️: Anything you want to say about Scarvio? (Infodump, a rant, or just other thoughts)

Feel free to infodump alongside your answers! Anyone is allowed to reblog :3

[teamfortresstwo]

In a life swap AU rather than just a role swap I think it would be sooo fucked up if Patroclus swapped with Theseus and Achilles with Asterius

[cuteniarose]

Each time I think I’ve finally become normal about This Fucking Family my brain comes up with shit like “Hey have you noticed how much Liba looks like young Sunat?” and now I want to throw up

[rawliverandgoronspice]

ohhh I managed to convince my potato laptop that it was indeed capable of running clip studio paint let's fucking goooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[lususnatura]

🎤 🎤 🎤

a song that i associate with my muse meme!

AHH, hey, ramone!! thank you for sending in this prompt :D since you sent in three of the mic's, i shall now be treating you to three songs that make me think of blamore when i hear them / that i associate with it. an explanation of why i chose them will be in the tags <3

hozier - who we are.

icehouse - crazy.

depeche mode - personal jesus.

[subaru-meteorlight]

.

[arolesbianism]

Every second of every day I remind myself that I'm going to need to learn to draw gore and body horror and every second of everyday I simply keep imagining it instead of drawing it because I don't even wanna try finding usable refs for the shit I wanna pull off (it also doesn't help that searching up refs for skinless human anatomy is. Annoying to do if you wanna draw someone who isn't made of muscle and nothing else)

[mathmusicreading]

Blog(ger) Shift

I am, so weird and bad about original posting and about reblogging and about saving things on Tumblr and that's why my blog has been mostly inactive or the lurking consumer type. But I don't want my fears about putting myself out there, being seen and known, articulating myself well vs. having been told my whole life I'm too wordy and opinionated vs. not managing to articulate myself well enough to justify being verbose and passionate, etc. to continue to control me so much.

So for my new specific-interest sideblog that I'm not locking, I hope it being themed will help me with making more original posts and reblogging, and I'm publicizing that here to push myself and also welcome interaction.

RIP to my other public specific-interest sideblog and the fandom sideblog I took over for someone that I didn't take further and to my private sideblogs that were meant to make me reblog and save and say stuff because they would be personal and just for me. I still would like to make those happen and reblogging and posting things that matter to me here, and oh my heart for the content ideas I haven't been working on, but they're pipedreams with how I'm (not) managing my life and I keep kicking those cans down the road.

To the person who I developed a real relationship with as a beta but who by now I probably count as having disappeared on with how long it's been and my not coming back to explicitly say I still can't help and don't know when I can, I am so sorry. I'm being a coward languishing in hoping I can tell you soon that I can get back into beta-ing for you and talking, but that's turned into me not talking to you because I'm waiting to be able to say something positive. Hopefully my vaguing here can help push me into talking to you, or at least this is here for you to read if you happen to see it; and I want you to know you absolutely can talk to me, can call me out, and if you're so gracious as to still want to be friends with me and just chat despite my dropping being your beta, I'm here for you and still want to be your friend even if I don't know if I'll have the spoons to be a good one and I know my saying that preemptively isn't apology or justification enough.

Honest assessment, I'm going to curse and say my living situation and work have both become even more of a shitshow, and with those things in mind I can't begin to imagine handling a real project until basically literally a year from now.

Which segues back into the main topic of this post. My goal isn't to have my new sideblog be like an active mainblog nor to abandon this blog—people interested in that blog can and should still interact with me here given how primary vs. secondary blogs on Tumblr work, and in terms of using that blog to help make me be a better Tumblr user, I think I should make certain original posts here and reblog them there as opposed to them being original there. With my mental-emotional and time resources, I want that blog to be "active" for a given definition of active, but really I think I should see my objective as "clear out tabs and likes and photos and lists and notes and drafts, etc. from the last four months" by saving stuff there, as opposed to my goal being the original posts I want to make there, and actually my long-term goal should be to use that momentum to do the same for older digital and physical storage that hasn't been lost or stolen. In my failure to be an interesting person, do I at least manage to be fascinating as a basket-case? Ha. But, also, as expressed above the Read More, the exercise of my danmei/Chinese sideblog is supposed to be a foray into me allowing myself to be an interesting person.

[geebeeskoos]

Jimmy was so, so wrong about Anya throughout the game it makes me furious. He was wrong about her in basically everything, but it's especially aggravating how he dismisses basically everything she has been doing as a nurse.

I wouldn't be the first to say that the fact that she kept Curly alive for fricking five months or so is just insane. And the fact that Anya managed to stabilize him more or less with what limited resources that the crew had is just as impressive. Curly's condition was probably much worse when the crash first happened. Hell, he was definitely dying considering the injuries he got. Yet Anya saved his life! You know, actually, if Pony Express' nursing crash courses are bad, then what Anya managed to do is even more impressive than it already is.

Yes, she failed to get into a proper medical school, but we really don't know the details. Is it her anxiety and other mental health problems that compromise her? Is it the competitiveness of the field? Are the entry exams are even more brutal in the future than they are now? In any case, Anya still doesn't give up, she found a nice source of income considering the situation. Her job gives her the money to not die of starvation and keep trying to get into a medical school AND is related to the field she wants to work in! She's getting plenty of hands on experience that can help her to get what she wants!

So Anya's doing great. And Jimmy, what a surprise, is a stupid petty hater. He's just projecting big time when he talks lowly of people around him, just remember how he sounded at the birthday party scene. Since he's miserable, he must drug everyone down. He's completely blind to the fact that if anyone's a worthless loser who can't achieve anything in life on this ship, it's him.

[screams-of-the-damned84]

(flops on stage) i now present to you my very silly swap au,,,

essentially jasper is now the co-leader of the society who was bitten by a werewolf and is trying to hide it, jekyll is the uni student who got kicked out due to his experiments and then picked up off the streets, etc. jasper and rachel can’t communicate and jekyll and lanyon are living the world’s weirdest horror romcom you’ve ever seen. more info under cut hehe (feat. bad explanations and doodles)

in simpler terms, jekyll and lanyon swap narrative positions (?? is that the right term) with jasper and rachel respectively. (lanyons and rachels swap doesn’t technically work as well as Jekyll’s and jaspers does but shhhhh). Frankenstein becomes the mad scientist that attacks the society and moreau becomes jaspers idol.

longer explanation but WARNING!! it is 3am when i am typing this and i am terrible at explaining. it may be slightly incomprehensible.

so like jasper and rachel founded the society after jasper publishes his research and gets semi famous. two years before current events jasper is out on a research venture and gets bitten by a werewolf. he doesn’t want to scare rachel or the lodgers so he keeps it a secret (to his own detriment). flash forward to now and jasper gets a call to investigate a “creature” terrorizing the streets of london only to find hyde.

before jasper can process the dumpster man he is looking at hyde transforms back into jekyll. jekyll explains that while trying to prove his theory of spiritual alchemy at his university he may or may not have split his own soul. and got kicked out. and is now living on the streets.

jasper, not really knowing what else to do and kinda relating to the poor guy, takes him back to the society. he introduces his co-leader rachel, who pretty much keeps this entire thing up and running. (rachel and jekyll still become friends but she especially takes to hyde. that little brother shaped hole in her heart is still very much present!) then theres the lodgers (idk how they all swap) and then there’s lanyon, a university student at the society because it was mandatory for one of his courses. he is not enjoying it and would very much rather be breaking boy’s hearts back at school. lucky for him tho, there’s jekyll!

this goes about as well as you would expect. lanyon then spends the rest of his stay at the society trying to understand (and woo) the conundrum that is jekyll and hyde. it’s very fluffy and they learn to communicate like jasper and rachel in canon (yippee!)

unfortunately for jasper and rachel, they have been playing the “just friends” game for the last decade. im having a bit of trouble trying to flesh out swap rachel so i don’t really know if she’s in a lavender marriage like canon lanyon is or is estranged/divorced or just single but whatever the case is she likes jasper but thinks he just sees her as a friend while jasper is madly in love with her and is too scared to tell her. this problem has only worsened since jasper got bitten. everyone else tho is aware of how they feel about each other and are stuck witnessing their tortuously long slow burn.

(hyde and lanyon at some point probably come up with a scheme to try and get them to confess. it goes horribly wrong.)

so yeah. this au has been floating around in my head ever since i read the comic for the first time. it mainly came to be because of how well jasper and jekyll parallel each other and because i wanted to draw stupid fluff and older jasper lol.

if anyone has any ideas/questions/etc TELL ME!!!!! this is just a rough idea if you have a better concept go for it awhdvgevd

[viperwhispered]

Notes on Jamil's speech patterns

I was supposed to just pick out some examples of typical Jamil lines. How he speaks, the vocabulary he uses, things like that. Something I could easily refer to when writing to get the tone right.

But then it kinda blew up, oop – because it’s hard to talk about how a character speaks without also dipping into why they say whatever they say.

Plus then I wanted to get examples of Jamil in different moods, and could not resist some poignant things that were more related to his character or backstory rather than strictly the speech patterns themselves, so… It expanded a bit.

Anyways. Some things I noticed he tends to do:

Sighs (more than I realized)

Snarks

Tch (though could be a more general twst writing choice too)

Stutters when he’s flustered / embarrassed / caught of guard (what a cutie)

Goes ahem like an old man when he’s trying to get back on track in those off-kilter moments

Kinda formal with his manner of speech and choice of words (especially in servant mode) (I always worry I exaggerate this but he sure does do that)

But there’s still some animatedness with the way he emphasises words, for example

(so long-suffering and ready to bark out directions to Kalim oh boy - the way the directness just comes through when he loses it)

sugarcoating his opinions if he doesn’t feel like he can say them plainly (tyrant becomes rigorous, etc.)

sarcasm, sometimes with a side of deadpan, sometimes with a smirk

“Good grief” (another thing I didn't realize was that much of a catchphrase)

Very mild on the level of insults & swears honestly, (I mean, "drat"?) but I imagine this is more of a result of the game's rating (I guess for in-game reasons we can say he's been very conditioned by his upbringing)

I put the screenshots that seemed telling, and some related notes, on to a google sheet. That way one can filter and order it in various ways.

The sheet is probably best viewed on a computer or another larger screen, the screenshots might make it a bit difficult to navigate on mobile.

I did go in with the assumption that Jamil might speak differently pre-overblot (when the servant mask is firmly in place) and post-overblot (at least those occasions where he allows himself to be more honest). Like, there’s the sycophantic (as Leona calls it) flatterer, versus when Jamil’s honestly voicing his own thoughts. Which also shows in how I chose to categorize the screenshots.

Of course events are a bit wibbly wobbly in relation to the main story so can’t be placed in the timeline in the same way, but there are still those occasions where it seems you can tell the difference between the servant mask and a Jamil who’s not saying things just for the sake of appearances.

So, to explain the logic of the sheet:

First column has a screenshot of something Jamil says. The second two columns give the source.

The column for whether or not this happened before or after the overblot is only really used for main story things, since event stories are kinda murky timeline-wise.

Next is whether Jamil seems to be putting on the servant mask or speaking more honestly. This is where get more to interpretation territory, and I’ve not applied it to every screenshot (either because that didn’t seem like the relevant part for that line, or because I couldn’t tell).

The last column of the sheet is where we get most to my personal interpretations. So of course you might read these lines differently than I do, and that’s completely fine, these are simply the aspects that seemed poignant to me. Some notes are simply pointing out specific word choices or style of speech, others delve more into character analysis side of things.

Totally fine if you want to copy this file or modify it to your own needs. All I ask is that you don’t pass off anything I wrote as your own thoughts.

Order of lines is based purely on the order the pics were in my screenshots folder, so guess this is also an insight on the order I played things in, lol.

Tagging some jamil peeps in case y'all find this useful:

@crystallizsch @diodellet @moonyasnow @twstgo @lex752

@majestickitty @viperbunnies