#probably deleting this later if i remember to
Explore tagged Tumblr posts
Text
for the past few days i've only really been out of bed to eat and use the bathroom because i'm having a mental illness moment (active suicidal ideation; neither method i'd choose is available to me though). been smoking wayy too much as a result. most of my time is spent maladaptive daydreaming.
had a conversation with a guy i used to be friends with (and had a crush on) and i'm So So Clearly Still Down Bad. he was texting me and i would smile stupidly at the careful way he phrased his messages and the LENGTH !! a chatty cathy. but i need to meet up with him in person to unmix my feelings on the matter.
However. because of the mental illness moment i am Wary. i feel not really like myself & i'm struggling to differentiate between bpd and Normal emotions & i don't wanna do some dumb weird shit in regards to him and fuck it up and hurt him somehow !
it's a strange feeling to simultaneously desperately desire someone and desperately wish to die. like YES i wanna smash and YES i wanna cuddle but also YES the thought of any kind of future is impossible to me currently so it wouldn't really feel fair to drag you into it. idk. i hate trying to navigate this stupid dumbfuck brain
edit: okay i'm realizing that part of my mixed feelings is because i am terrified that if i'm too genuine with him he'll leave again. and i am like PLS god do not leave i do not have another friend near enough to me rn. which is a little hilarious because i am the one that got hurt in the first place so He should be the nervous one if he's interested in rekindling a friendship.. get on your hands and knees and beg boy. apologize harder or whatever. need to keep reminding myself of this i think.
#suicide tw#plus there's always the underlying “why would this guy even want to hang out/be friends/etc.”#cuz i got cataclysmic self esteem issues but also just realistically i am boring as a person rn and unappealing. no license no job#don't leave the house. just had to withdraw from classes. horrible mental state. questionable hygiene. bad diet bad exercise.#like i really really want a hug and some comfort but. eugh. there are so many ways things can go messy huh#in particular bc my white ass blushes bright red sooooo easily#and tmi but i already get like soaked and throbbing just thinking about his hands grabbing and caressing me#how tf am i supposed to act normal in person#i'm a rabid dog i need to be beaten to death with a stick#probably deleting this later if i remember to
0 notes
Text
One of my favorite things about the ASL Brothers is the fact that Ace was the one brought out the sake and proposed becoming brothers.
Not Luffy or Sabo but Ace.
Ace, who believes he is unlovable, Ace who believes that his blood is dirty, Ace who believes that he didn’t deserve to be born, Ace who thinks that his life is worthless, Ace who believes that his mere existence is a crime.
And yet Ace saw these two boys and approached them without apprehension or fear of rejection even though he was proposing something as irrevocable, something as bonding as brotherhood
#not to mention ace had these thoughts bc this is how the WORLD sees him#that world put these thoughts into his head and made him believe that#but sabo and luffy only see him. not gol d. or even portgas d. but just ace.#the way ace knew that they wanted this just as much as he did#like he is theirs and they are his and he knew that#i remember learning that ace proposed it and being *so surprised*#cause we had just seen that ace had no self worth and hated himself#but he knew that they accepted him and that they wanted him in their lives#and he decided to make it permanent#they are his family. they are his safe place. they love him unconditionally.#DO YOU GUYS GET WHAT IM TRYING TO SAY#goddd these brothers make me so ill#it’s 2am so if this doesn’t make sense that’s why#i am thinking so many thoughts#i’ll probably delete this later#portgas d. ace#asl brothers#one piece#concha speaks#asl rambles#concha posts
855 notes
·
View notes
Text
//suggestive images
Made these cuz uhm. Uhm. Im not sure actually. For funsies or something. Eroticisim of the machine or something idk im new here
God i am SO CRINGE but i am... Free?
#Ughhh do i tag this as nsfw. Everyone is clothed yet i feel like im treading such a FINE LINE#Okay if someone asks me to tag it like that i will...#Posting this im like 'oh my god what if ppl think im weird and i get killed for this'#Then i remember im on Tumblr. Ill be fine. I think#ALSO if u literally click on the read mroe and get mad at seeing. This. Then that's ur own fault ok. Or maybe i didn't actually give a clea#Enough warning idk#Ill probably delete this later if it flops 😭😭😭#ultrakill oc#gabriel ultrakill#V1sona#Oc: V5#oc x canon#Urghhhh this stuff looks so bad BUT WHATEVER#Look at my yaoi or whatever#art#artists on tumblr#artwork#digital art#digital illustration#digital drawing#ultrakill#digital doodle#my art#my ocs#oc art#// suggestive
77 notes
·
View notes
Text
(WIP) I'm drawing Midnight Crew + Snowman shenanigans for class!
#delete later#wip#These need some fixing up but I'm having so much fun with them!#Art school is out to get me but I really needed a fire under my ass to get out of the art rut so I'm not complaining!#You probably can't tell yet but the corpses are The Felt#I'm a fake fan because I can't remember how many are there or what their names are...#But shout out to Intermission fans for being the chillest most nicest Homestuck fans ever
33 notes
·
View notes
Text
I've always wanted to create a traditional hutong and finally started one!! makes me miss Beijing so bad
#ts4 wip#will delete#ahhh i loved wandering the hutongs#they probably changed a lot from my last time (2018)#i still remember that one street - full of shops and restaurants that was completely different 3 years later because they wanted it to look#'clean and orderly' ughhh :(
34 notes
·
View notes
Text
this is really random but I remember the time I drew a horror comic for my assignment and didn’t sleep for like… 2 days
I drew an old lady as a subject of horror and draw her in the creepiest positions i could think of at the time, and it was 2 am in the morning when i hear traditional javanese singing from outside my dorm, and a spitting image of what i drew is standing there in the hallway with her back facing me, but slowly turning her head towards me as she realized I was staring at her
#and then i just went… i am fucking delusional and i went to sleep#AKSHSKDHDFKFKFK#i haven’t sleep for 2 days straight i was probably hallucinating#pretty creepy memory for me though#idk why i randomly remember this#delete later
233 notes
·
View notes
Text
i keep forgetting that daniil dankovsky isnt canonically gay and transmasc.
#every time i remember that its not like a canon thing i get whiplash#rambles#will probably delete later#daniil pathologic i will love you forever#pathologic#мор утопия#даниил данковский#daniil dankovsky
27 notes
·
View notes
Text
Sorry I've been somewhat mia lately irl life is beating my ass and it's probably not gonna lighten up until November
To all who've sent me asks I've seen them I'll get to them don't worry it just might take me a while 😭
#any free time ive had has gone to sitting around doing nothing or hanging out with friends to get human interaction outside of work#ive just been kinda mentally drained#not art block just tired yknow#ive been working on writing my au tho#just here and there not a lot#i wanna finish it before the new year#so thats my current personal goal#cfa posts#probably delete later if i remember#probably wont
21 notes
·
View notes
Text
Dabihawks nation I'm looking for a fic please help 😭
I can't find it because I don't remember the complete plot I just remember this scene where hawks tells dabi something like "you become your mother when I'm angry and your father when you're angry" because dabi had these habits like Rei like fiddling with his hands when he was afraid? Does anyone recognize this?
This is so vague ajdhdj but this line has just been in my mind for the past week and I can't remember which fic it was from and it's driving me crazy I've searched like variation of this line but cant find it
#i know this is very vague i cant remember much else T_T#this is just a shot in the dark in case someone remembers#dabihawks#dabi#hawks#bnha#mha#dabihawks fics#tags for visibility#ill probably delete them later#my hero academia#mha fics#dabi x hawks#touya todoroki#keigo takami#hope.text
56 notes
·
View notes
Text
bored (jumpscare warning. face reveal utc.)
28 notes
·
View notes
Text
Was working on something before I forgot that I can't fucking draw.
Yeah this is what a grown-ass adult's art should look like, this is the quality expected of someone whose been drawing since they could grasp a pencil. This measly scribble is worth 2 days of effort using all my free time.
#I hate myself#not to blog post or anything but my life is so stressful and I think that if I was good at drawing and churning out drawings quickly and#beautifully on the daily/weekly..#If I was like the thousands of foreign 12 year old prodigies on instagram with perfect anatomy on a mere sketch#or the soul-sellers on pixiv uploading 200 fully colored drawings at once#all my problems would be solved.#Im so hateful and it's all towards myself. I'm so painfully envious of things I'll never have...#...like a cock or artistic skill. If I wasn't so scared of not existing (to the point where thinking about it makes me physically ill)#l would have ended my shit already. But here I am.#So take this stupid ugly fucking Shane I tried to draw at midnight after a 10 hour shift. You're here to see bellies-#-not me bitching and moaning. Matter of fact I'll probably delete this part later. Whatever.#What is my fucking problem??#Enjoy what little I'm able to give. All I want is to share my thoughts and ideas and concepts and I can barely even do that.#I think I am going to pass out typing this so uh#see you later when I regret this post and delete this part haha#If I even remember#self post#Drawing#tummy kink#stomach ache#bloated belly
29 notes
·
View notes
Text
Pavel on social media: i'm a daddy!!!!
his character on pit babe: *is a mama*
#i'm sorry but i think this is so funny hahahah#i just remembered his video saying the fans call him beautiful but that he's a daddy and then in the show 😂😂#pavel naret#babecharlie#charliebabe#pit babe#pit babe the series#i'll probably delete this later hahah it was just a rant#thoughts.
63 notes
·
View notes
Text
.~
#not a vent just a journal entry (feel free to scroll past; there is no snz here and this is also not that interesting)#realizing now that i never thought of myself as#someone whose absence would register to others in any other way than just neutral/detached recognition?#phrasing this really badly and i am truly going to delete this later bc it is embarrassing LOL#i think when i was young and posting all this fic into questionable places (the f*rum) i was like#(@ an unfinished work of mine) no way anyone could be bothered by these cliffhangers 👍 they can just imagine the ending#even though i would frequently be bothered by other people's cliffhangers. that exact same principle just wouldn't apply to me in my head#and when i did not respond to people i was like.. i'm sure i wasn't really an important part of their lives so they won't mind it#if i stepped away?#i never really entertained the concept of people missing me or looking forward to my responses 😭 i never thought of myself as someone worth#missing... so when i disappeared it was always with little to no sense of guilt. i think even now i struggle with#seeing myself as someone that inhabits like a tangible enough space in other people's lives that my absence would be felt#(and i don't mean that in a morbid way. and i do recognize that it's quite hypocritical)#on the flipside of things i frequently miss people and look forward to their responses. and sometimes i wonder like#do they all know? do they all know that i miss them because they somehow understand this aspect of human nature better than i do?#or are they in the dark like i am? are these things assumed or are they only known when they are said... 😭#i am a little bit of a coward so i am not saying anything (also because can you even say this kind of thing to someone??#i would probably die of embarrassment) but#how strange it is to have someone suddenly inhabit a space in your life that is substantial enough that#when they're gone you feel that space open up and you miss them#the few times in my life people have conveyed that sentiment to me i remember feeling puzzled that my presence could have that kind of#weight to them. i think my problem is that i purposefully do not read between the lines if the conclusion is something favorable towards me#because i don't want to bank on something good that might or might not be true 😭 anyways this is way too long already. if you read this#then good morning or goodnight
20 notes
·
View notes
Text
nicholas fish is my daily reminder that letters aren't everything and we lack a whole bunch of context and interactions. he had a lifelong friendship with hamilton we don't know much about due to lack of correspondence (fish might've burned them for privacy, especially since he and morris got their hands on ham's papers after his death, i believe).
but i think it must have been a steady and deep 30 yr long friendship: they were college frat bros together (debate club actually but i bet they acted like frat bros), members of the hearts of oak in the 1770s - and he was later involved in hamfamily matters, referenced at times in letters between ham and betsey. he was even the second for a potential duel between ham and nicholson in 1795.
and of course, his son born in 1808 was named hamilton fish.
unfortunately i find the name "hamilton fish" hilarious, moreso because hamilton fish named his son hamilton fish II, who named his son hamilton fish III, who named his son hamilton fish IV. somebody named hamilton fish IV was walking around on this earth up to 1996.
i just get all emotional when i think about how family names often reflect close loved ones. even if the names end up being ridiculous. hamilton lasting in the fish family names until the literal 1990s, laurens slipping into the hamilton family names.
also, for my hamilton musical enthusiasts: the cellist for the west end run of hamilton was chris fish, a direct discendant of nicholas fish!
#sometimes i get disappointed/frustrated by lack of correspondence but then i remember these were real people#and it was their choice to leave those letters for posterity or not#i mean i'd probably delete all my text messages today if i knew people would be reading them years later#alexander hamilton#nicholas fish#historical hamilton#amrev#hamilton#hamilton musical#musical hamilton
48 notes
·
View notes
Text
He saw a spider
523 notes
·
View notes
Text
my best advice for people who want to stand up for human rights: stop looking for enemies to fight and start looking for friends to talk with
not only does this center your focus on the people who are actually affected as opposed to your own moral self-righteousness, treating more people as potential friends opens you to at least hearing out various points of view, prevents dehumanization and radicalization against entire groups of people, and actually allows you to start working on long term solutions
#will probably delete later.#ughhhh#most if not all activism involves standing up to an authority and being loud and determined about it#this is not a criticism of that at all. if people won’t listen you must make them.#but don’t lose sight of what actually matters. please. remember that what we should actually want is peace for those affected#sorry. I hate my fucking school sometimes and a lot of the performative online shit#some people really do just wanna feel good about themselves#how about we help people first. how about we stop immediate violence first. how about we take it one step at a time after that#firmly yet open mindedly#is that too much to ask?#storyrambles
24 notes
·
View notes