#pretty little burden
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Idea | Previous Part
tw: future dom-sub relationship, sexually explicit content, pet names, age gap (early twenties - late thirties)
The moment your eyes connected, you felt the typical blush rise onto your cheeks. The blush that always seemed to come when Mister Riley was nearby. He smiled down at you, the lower half of his face hidden behind a surgical mask, as always, but the crinkle around his eyes betrayed him.
With a quiet mumble of your name and a hand on your lower back, he ushered you forward, until you stood at the other end of the counter, where you had to wait for your drink. Meanwhile, his hand didn’t move, only pulling you against him whenever other people got too close. You tried to tell yourself that this, his behavior, his…almost possessiveness, meant nothing. He was just being nice and polite as always. Just keeping you safe, even if there was no threat nearby.
When you finally received your drink, Mister Riley led you back to your table - you didn’t question how he knew where you were sitting. “How are you doing, love?” Mister Riley got comfortable, taking off his black wool coat and hanging it over the back of the chair next to his, before resting his elbows on the table and leaning forward. You on the other hand shifted nervously. All the hope that your little crush had faded in the last few years was gone.
The way he was looking at you sent your heart into a frenzy, beating as if you were running a marathon, when you were just sitting across from him in a cafe. Not even four years of not seeing him could stop the effect he had on you.
When he suddenly raised an eyebrow, you realized you never answered his question. “Oh, uhm…I’m good. A bit stressed, but that’s it.” You tried to smile but weren’t sure if it reached your eyes. By the look he gave you, you could tell that it didn’t. “What about you, sir?” He chuckled, the low sound reverberating in your heart. “How many times do I have to tell you to just call me Simon, huh?” Your face flushed again and you wished you could see his grin through his mask. A stammered answer fell from your lips, but he interrupted you, the joyful expression replaced by a frown.
“What’s stressing you, little one?” The look in his eyes was intense, as if he was ready to kill whatever dared to stress you and the nickname didn’t help the butterflies in your stomach. This means nothing. He’s not interested, goddamnit! Your eyes found a weird carved-in spot on the table in front of you. It was suddenly very interesting. “Oh, you know…just college.” You dared to glance up, just to see his frown deepen, clearly not believing a word you were saying. Suddenly, that one weird, carved spot on the table became incredibly interesting. As you were lightly tracing it with the tip of your right index finger, he reached across the table and gently tilted your head to look up at him. “What’s really going on?” A heavy sigh left your lips before everything just spilled out of you.
How your father just disappeared and stopped sending you the money you needed for the apartment and everything else. How you had to move into the worst part of town ever and how you’ve been looking for a job ever since. You tried to hide just how desperate you were, he didn’t have to know that you had a fantastic ten pounds left in your account right now. And you had already tapped into your savings. Sadly you needed your father’s permission to tap into the fund he had sat up for you.
Mister Ril- Simon listened quietly, concern evident on his face as you jumped from one issue to the next. And when you were done, he pulled out his wallet. Your eyes widened immediately and you started to shake your head as he held out what looked like a credit card. “No, no. Mister Riley, no, I can’t accept that, I-”, before you could continue your protests, his fingers closed around your chin again and held your mouth shut. “You’re going to be a good girl, take this card and say thank you, okay? And call me Simon.”
Heat immediately rushed to your core, the gravely tone doing something to you, as you swallowed the lump that formed in your throat. With the tight grip on you, you couldn’t move your head too much, but it was just enough for a slight nod. A grin formed under that mask again and he let go, pulling his hand back, but not without letting his fingers linger slightly. “Good girl.”
You swallowed again, noticing how his eyes immediately jumped to your throat. In the moment you weren’t sure if you imagined them turning darker for just a moment before he looked back into your eyes. The two of you held the eye contact for a few moments, before you broke it, once again looking down at that one spot. He cleared his throat, the awkwardness in the air disappearing when he started talking again.
“I want you to use that card for whatever you need, okay? You’re in college, I want you to concentrate on your studies, you hear me? And if you need more, just say the word.” You nodded again, already knowing that you’d continue with your job hunt as soon as he left. And that you would definitely not be using that card for, like, anything. As much as you appreciated him wanting to help, you knew that you could do it on your own.
“Also, about that apartment-” He was interrupted by the sound of heels clicking against the floor of the cafe. Both of you looked up as a gorgeous woman, similar age to his, walked up, smiling, and placed a hand on his shoulder. “Are you almost done, dear? We still have that meeting with-”, she glanced at you and quickly corrected herself. “-that meeting we have to get to.” Your eyes immediately focused on the sparkling ring on her finger. It was beautiful, even if a little too sparkly for you. Simon looked up at her and smiled. “Of course, dear. I’ll be right out. Tell Johnny to keep the engine on.” The woman nodded and smiled one more time at you before she left.
She seemed kind, but the jealousy that bubbled in your veins wanted you to hate her. From what you had just witnessed, you doubted you could. “I’m sorry, but she’s right, I have to go. Give me your phone.” Too stunned to do anything but comply, you unlocked it and handed it to him. He quickly put something - his number you assumed - and rung himself, before handing it back. He stood up and put on his coat, looking at you one more time. “Ring me if you ever need something, okay? And be a good girl and do as you’re told.” He leaned over, grasping your chin one last time and making you look at him. You weakly nodded, your mind still hung up on the gorgeous wife of his.
His eyes narrowed, but after a second of hesitation, he too nodded, before pressing a gentle kiss against your cheek, through his mask. “Be good.” And with those words, he pulled back, turned around, and left the cafe, while you just sat there, staring at the door he walked through and thinking to yourself ‘the fuck was that’.
Next Part
A/N: Really enjoyed writing this part. I hope you like it!
@alilstressyandlotdepressy @brickwall035 @trampondemand @inarabee @blinca @rileys3dworld @msjaeger @oreojenni @starlightmoon2020 @piconico17 @l1lpip @originalsoulcollector
#ghost#ghost x reader#simon ghost riley#ghost cod#ghost fanfiction#simon ghost riley x reader#simon ghost riley fanfiction#ghost simon riley#simon riley#simon riley x reader#simon ghost x reader#simon riley x you#cod#cod fanfiction#cod x reader#mafia!simon riley#mafia!simon riley x reader#mafia!141#pretty little burden
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I'm reading A Lonely Place of Dying and Alfred latching immediately onto Tim is NASTY work. Tim shows up and is like "I never aimed to be Robin! I mean I did karate my whole life to emulate Robin and just so happen to have sought you out and grabbed this costume in my size out from that case and really you should be calling me Robin just for now and let me come with you as Robin but I never dreamed it would specifically be ME being Robin. You have a lovely house and home btw :) Now go back to being 10." And Dick's understandably like "No I am a grown man now who are you" and Bruce is not here for this one, but later on is like "You aren't Robin, you're some kid dressed up like my dead son." But Alfred?
IMMEDIATELY Alfred is implying Dick was trying to subtly ask Tim to be Robin (simply not true in in NTT 61, when the implication is made, although he changes his mind in Batman 442) and that Bruce should be grateful for this young man's profound bravery and immense natural skill and maybe show him a few pointers or something idk we'll see :) Like let's be clear, the idea that Tim didn't want to be Robin is simply not part of this story outside of like two lines of dialogue where he's like "oh I didn't consider it could be me!" after which he immediately goes "Wow so you ARE gonna let me be Robin right?" the second he sees the opportunity. The guy essentially makes himself Robin once Dick makes it clear he isn't gonna be. Dick tells Tim nobody should be at first (until he changes his mind) but is ignored because Tim doesn't get why and goes with what he understands, his own stance.
I'm of the opinion that the whole "Tim understands that being Robin is an arduous task full of suffering from the start and chooses to bravely yet sadly martyr himself for the cause" thing I see sometimes is strongly disproven, at least in the beginning of his Robin career, by his "Batman NEEDS a Robin (to love and care for and to watch out for him in return :) )" line of reasoning, his subsequent willingness for Anybody to be Robin whether or not it was him (unless he was consciously okay with other children suffering for his benefit which I find really hard to believe,) and his active glee at anything involving being Robin and persistent smiling pursuit of Doing So against Batman's strong disapproval, because he hasn't officially said no (he did several times, but you can't blame a kid for being excited.) Like, I think he said he never dreamed of being Robin just because having a kid come in begging to replace Batman's dead son because it was a personal aspiration would be extraordinarily rude and arrogant and they wanted people to like this one. He was NOT in any way adverse they just couldn't make him THAT presumptuous, and he is by nature of what he's doing already moderately so.
But say it was true, that Tim was actively opposed to being Robin? Alfred would be pushing this shit HARD onto this thirteen year old kid like what the fuck bro. And "From what Master Richard said, he follows your orders." is HEINOUS but let's not get into that.
#of all the robins so far Bruce has foisted Robin on Tim is by far the least Foisted#“Even if he's right I dont want another Robin” vs “He doesn't want me but he hasn't told me no yet :)”#“You can't kill batman or nightwing!” “Or Robin?? :D”#bro is literally “And Bumblebee!”#tim says he never wanted it for himself but he actively seeks out being Robin so I think that's like “oh i never imagined”#^I've finished reading through and other dialogue directly confirms this#“yeah it hasn't occurred to be that I could ever be Robin but yk just in case-ies I've been actively preparing to be Robin half my life”#I considered the “being robin is a burden” angle to that line but if that IS what he's saying#it would be pretty fucked up that he'd be okay with anyone being Robin him or not. Like he doesn't come into this AIMING to be Robin#because he's never thought about it#and he clearly has no sense of why Dick is saying no so I can't fully buy into that#I guess the best answer rlly is him being like “oh little old me being robin? :o well gosh golly im doing that now”#i mean the actual best answer is “whoops fuck actually people want Robin back in the story egg on our face with that one”#but yk. in universe#“if they think they can kill Robin with no repercussions who will they hunt down next!”#I mean. They can do that. It becomes a major issue that they can in fact do that with no repercussions. They would be right because its tru#In his first story Tim is ALREADY hyping up the cops as an impregnable force. This is subtle Chuck Dixon foreshadowing#tim drake#batman#dc comics#alfred pennyworth
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sometimes people will say “going dark” and then what they’re actually talking about is just people no longer presenting a carefully constructed version of their emotions and experiences.
like. emotional turmoil is not the same as darkness. laudna in this Fictional Universe that has tangibly different stakes wrt to death and killing than our own, is at best like . morally neutral for what she just did like. man has been secretly trying to kill you, and then just tried to do so again, killing him back is a fair choice. and even if i was someone who is excited by delilah’s inability to escape from the narrative, this shit isn’t about delilah. laudna made a choice. if delilah is back or whatever it’s a choice that laudna made because something in that grants her more control than her existing conditions did. this isn’t some Delilah Takes Over, it’s Laudna Expressly Makes The Choice To Call Forth Something within Herself to remedy the lack of control that’s been thrust upon her. if y’all want to Continue to limit Laudna’s agency (as the cr fandom is so, so want to do when a female character makes a choice that isn’t Good according to some weird system of virtue ethics) go ahead.
likewise with orym. little guy is not “going dark” because he has finally made direct action about his emotional turmoil in dealing with a situation which has similarly left him without control and has also placed him in a position where his stalwart conviction towards protecting and honouring those he loves and has lost alike is constantly met with other people he cares for going well.. what if they had a point/we are killing other peoples loved ones/etc. which like . yeah that might be frustrating and in fact might lead him to go, actually, i can’t afford to try and maintain some abject morality where I carry a locket that will literally only provide guilt. orym is completely committed to his beliefs, the locket and what it represents has never been a limit to what he will do, only a reminder of the consequences of what he might cause in those actions. but they Are at war and orym has a billion things on his plate. he can put down the locket. especially when bor’dor is the explicit manifestation of that locket’s symbolism. the subtext rapidly became the text and orym doesn’t need a reminder. it’s there in the fact that team issylra is walking away with two friends, not three.
these are character who have at every turn denied their own emotions in various forms while still being acutely aware of what they deny, whether that awareness was/is fully realized or not. many of laudna’s early convos with ashton show us that there is some awareness to the lighthearted spooky goth girl and how that persona fades when she thinks too much about what has led her and maintained that reality. likewise the entirety of orym’s story thus far is defined by his grief in a very literal sense, it Has extended from that grief to also the commitment he had to the purpose of figuring out the assassination attempt on keyleth but as we have seen, that purpose has fallen apart. paired with the quasi-reopening of his grief that was getting to see will again only to have to turn away, i don’t think there’s a lack of awareness in orym of how much he hurts. but between his actions and 4SD, that hurt tends to get buried under guilt or Responsibility.
and now, finally, both of them have admitted to that Not in the safety of small introspection or one-on-one conversations but with actions that they cannot shy away from or deny. laudna killed bor’dor and orym encouraged her to. and it Is a complex situation but truly I don’t really think it’s a “going dark” one. because they’re not giving into some overhanging Darkness of Morality™, they’re admitting that they are hurt and have long been hurting.
or, y’know, tldr for those who continue to deny laudna and orym agency or fully villainise them for whatever weird reasons . you could listen to laudna and ashton’s conversation that pretty much lays it out explicitly. laudna claims she’s weak for having chosen to kill bor’dor. ashton denies that and affirms instead that, no, she’s hurt.
#critical role#cr spoilers#laudna#orym#team issylra#maybe it’s because a lot of these people r also the people who have no literacy wrt religious and philosophical complexity#that Screams bad experience that hasn’t been reckoned with but. the Big part of healing is that. a lot of the time#especially with Trauma. the mess is gonna come before the pretty little bow does#like noah fence but . this is The Most interesting laudna and orym have been to me this far and it’s not because they’re Darker#it’s because they’re being more true to themselves#maybe this is nitpicky I Don’t Care#me watching c1 as vex admits that she still feels like a burden and Heavily considers being treeified for sondor. ‘is this vex Going Dark?’#as an imogen Lover . let’s be real and admit the only Genuine going dark risk is her at this point in the campaign#because like. i truly don’t see anyone else making the Choice to do absolutely fucked up selfish things#and imogen considers doing that shit like . once every two eps At Least (affectionate but eyes wide about it)#anyway. reunion will be very interesting with an orym and laudna who are shedding pieces of what maintains their like Group Role#bells hells#critical role spoilers#cr3#cr campaign 3#bell’s hells#my posts
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A poll for other Tarn lovers because I keep thinking about it and am curious
I would've put an option for Tarn being ugly but I'm worried people who don't even like Tarn would pick that just as a meme answer to make fun of him so sorry.
Also yes I know we've seen his face in the comics but I'm asking for personal headcanons independent of how the characters are drawn (which can vary depending on the artist/style) in canon.
Mainly asking because in a lot of art I see of maskless Tarn (drawn by people I know or just random artists online), it seems like a lot of the time Tarn is drawn with a rather beautiful/bishie face and now I'm just curious if people specifically see Tarn as having a prettyboy face or if it's just some sort of art style thing/coincidence.
#mtmte#mtmte tarn#idw tarn#idw transformers#squiggposting#i didn't think about it much but i think i personally lean towards pretty boy face#esp since i picked up the personal headcanon/joke that tarn is the shockop child. and shockwave is very beautiful and tarn got those looks#also like idk i think it's weirdly kind of fitting?? speaking mostly from a human perspective but tarn's body/overall vibes#are like incredibly hyper masculine. it's part of the tough badass vibes he has going on superficially#but if he has a beautiful bishie face under the mask it's like. a subversion. or like two diff types of masculinity being repped at once#that and bishie is associated with youthfulness and even tho tarn isn't young in terms of age#i think bc of his mentoring/grooming by megatron i see him as like a pseudo son of him in a way#so tarn having that youthful beauty/bishonen kind of face reflects that#kinda goes with the theme that under the mask of toughness tarn is just a lost little boy#and i figure a youthful/pretty face reflects that sort of naivete and black and white worldview tarn is burdened with
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Jack Marsh (2005), Friendship Otherwise - Toward a Levinasian Description of Personal Friendship
#saw carnation lily lily rose by john singer seargent irl today. it was basically at my doorstep all along idk why i never went to see it#it was placed at a corner in the gallery. me and my friend sat down and sketched the paintings of beautiful naked people quite badly. paper#provided by tate britain. she told me about how she couldnt look her boyfriend in the face after a harrowing film about war. when i say the#interview was informal i mean the person who was supposed to be my boss told me let me get you a cider and then he said after#50 years of life he knows people are inherently good and it only takes a little bit of kindness to save this world. he said he tricked#his wife into keeping the baby and then he said he quit his job at a US bank to help people find meaning and in it#he would have liked to find meaning. instead he started climbing with his friends. he said he chews his cigarettes because its a habit from#when he had to hide things from people. the entire time i felt uncomfortable and incredibly enlightened. this is my friends mentor. she has#his pattern of pauses and expletive and penchant for ends-justify-means attitude. i do think im not very clever#but maybe one day i will love you enough to make up for it. i wrote code i dont understand staring at the final error i thought about how#we both thought of how when we're too old to remember the voices of our friends we would like to stand in the pathway of the LHC beam pipe#cut it open and eat light in the freezing cold vacuum (kills you long before radiation will) the invisible puncture wound unfolding dna#back to the start larger than you ever were. you go to heaven once youve been to hell. my friend is in my bed#practicing calculations of eigenvectors by hand and she is uninterested in a visual proof you are uninterested in incompetence#we catch a train this is your kind of burden you tragic hero wincing at that word you only do this because you have to. im the only one#who can. i am a coward in this for the fucking poetry. the visual proofs. the pretty numbers. an architect who was horrible at maths wanted#to be a philosopher and accidentally ended up neck in deep in 70th Error On Visual Studio Code i want to kiss your eyes before we say#goodbye we both know there is no love in the way there should be. I still have your dress in my wardrobe. i hope you make art.#you think im alright head-wise i think you fucking hate me i think ill never be so clever you want me to tell you my idea?#if you wanted more of this world i would have liked to kiss you harder. we cant both be like this. im sorry i cant be with you the whole wa#the love is gone if you have to ask it. his breath catches his eyes feel stiff it is -1.9 kelvin he is near the beam pipe i miss holding#his hand i miss her singing voice i miss his hair and i found the antonym of pain thank you for carrying me home.
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EDOLISSE AND VARRICK
These Hands, If Not Gods by Natalie Diaz | Still from When A Man Loves (1927) | Snippet from Richard Siken's "Crush" | Still from Lodger (???) | Poem from Margaret Atwood's "You are Happy"
#a lot of references to religion though that's probably mostly on Edolisse's part#I imagine Edolisse and Varrick's attraction to each other is a little superficial in the beginning#she's clearly a very pretty twenty something and Varrick doesn't want to hold her back#Rabbitt themselves said that Varrick is worried about getting involved with the LDB due to not wanting to burden them#On Edolisse's end she's only really hung up on her past relationships#Her late husband and the nature of his death is still a fresh wound that takes a long time to heal#So they really start to relate to each other when they talk about their pasts and their previous partners#Both their previous partners had been killed and they both sort of blame themselves for it#Though most of Edolisse's partners have died so she's terrified something will take Varrick away from her too#It takes awhile but she starts to see his strength#both physical and mental strength#she starts to get comfortable with the idea of being with him then falls hopelessly in love with him#While they don't have an extremely long life ahead of them (Varrick is an older man after all) Edolisse is determined to make it last#web weaving#The credits to the other quotes are in the images themselves and I am LAZY#WickVeil#Edolisse Wickham#Varrick Veil#tes v skyrim#tesblr#At this point I feel a little bad for clogging up the Varrick's tag with my bullshit :(((#I JUST THINK OF THEM A LOT OKAY?
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Despite how much I suffered making my last isat au Aris sprite redraw, I decided to do it again and once again went through hell doing it. There’s like a billion mistakes in this (such as her having the wrong arm rip) but at the end of the day I’m still happy with how it turned out :]
#keese draws#oc#oc art#eternal gales#isat#in stars and time#sorry for main tagging feel free to excecute me if you want or whatever#grips sink cringe is dead cringe is dead cringe is dead#anyways this is a very fuzzy and vague au as I don’t rly feel comfortable going off too hard with this one#this is pretty much entirely because I know I’d have to fuck around with the worldbuilding a decent amount and I don’t rly wanna do that#Isat’s worldbuilding is one of my favorite parts of isat so I don’t wanna fuck it up yknow?#I might do some other sprite redraws once I stop thinking too hard abt aris and tali#for context tali is the king aka complicated design that makes me wanna cry especially since I made it worse by changing her imagery#instead of having tears as a thing she has like. fracturing if that makes sense?#it’s supposed to be a nod to her ‘cracked’ eye in canon#she also has threads coming from her limbs instead of long hair for similar reasons#also she doesn’t have straight hair so yknow#but yeah for additional context aris and tali are half sisters and they make me go insane#in this au the idea would be that when their grandparents divorced when the two were little tali and their grandma left the island#aris wouldn’t leave until five or so years later when she was around 12#at which point the island disappeared and all that#the two have mostly completely forgotten about eachother but there still is familiarity between them#tali isn’t any less of a piece of shit than the king in this au tho#aris for a brief moment almost remembers who tali is during act 3 but she dies before she can fully grasp it#which almost hurts more to her despite not even knowing what she was trying to recall#during act 5 her inner sadness fight is against the hazy image of a very young tali 👍#just tiny 5 year old tali using the voices of the others to scream at aris that she’s been nothing but a burden to them all#and that she’s done nothing but hurt them in her selfish attempts to fix a problem that she refuses to admit she caused#and that time and time again she’s lied that she’s doing her best to protect them and that she’s failed all of them#it’s a mix of current guilt and her hazy but longstanding guilt towards tali
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Shi Long Lang insisting all of his agents identify themselves as "1" during team countoffs, and Manfred von Karma setting his bank PIN to #1 have the same and yet opposite energies.
#shi long lang#manfred von karma#ace attorney#ace attorney investigations#mvk thinking he is the BEST and every little thing about him must reflect that vs.#lang thinking all his coworkers are the best and wanting them to see it in themselves#both of them setting personal security; practicality and common sense by the wayside in the process#they're both just silly little guys burdened by glorious competency in most respects#and yet an utter lack in others#shame we never got to see them interact but then again miles would've had such whiplash from it#they both expect better from him and he expects better from them#i also feel like lang might be a bit nicer to miles after encountering mvk#like he'd meet him and be like "oh so THAT's where Pretty Boy gets it from' and have the most apt lang zi proverb to summarize things
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man. oberon saying "i'm sorry i couldn't get rid of those proper human history bastards for you, titania" after he's already conflated guda with titania. what does it all mean.
#thinking about how many servants genuinely consider killing guda to end their burden ..#thinking about how he put everyone on the nautilus to sleep and lied saying he'd killed them...#thinking about how the other starholder in the lostbelt is trudging on miserably#and that we become a star that oberon gazes up at. just like castoria is her own star#man ... it's true that pruning lostbelts is pretty miserable. but would we really be happier in a void with no audience.#isn't that for us to decide. and in the end you're just sorry you couldn't give us something better than what we have.#that all you're good for is this bottomless destruction. that without stories you have absolutely nothing left#(because you're nothing but a story) so removing PHH's audience just means you have nothing to give us#when maybe if you were a little more substantial you'd have something to offer as an alternative really worth considering#WELL that's my interpretation anyway. i may have overcooked. and also maybe he just wants us dead and is talking about regular titania#popgo
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Being abled sounds so nice tbh
#abby doesnt shut up#I wrote a disabled woman character for a script in class and one of my classmates-#-gave very sweet feedback but asked why the mc feels like a burden and if a traumatic event left her disabled#like she didn’t get it even though why my mc feels like a burden is talked about pretty directly#and it just reminded me how little others understand the reality of disability#no hate to my classmate I really like her…it just got me thinking that’s all
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Busy week, but still so much to cry about.
#fanfic#fanfiction#nonsense#making shit up#saturdaycryingclub#stranger things#steddie#archive of our own#burdens of influence#pretty boy Steve Harrington#rockstar eddie munson#let’s just let them destroy each other#interview with the vampire#what’s a little blood between friends#the god of the woods#surely the woods are safe#nothing bad ever happens there#certainly no one ever goes missing#sometimes you just need a hug#or to smash#or both#maybe at the same time#just as a little treat
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it sounds so obvious now, but im pretty sure my physical problems rn can all be traced back to the fact that my brain and body has been in a constant hypervigilance and cortisol overload for 3 months straight. the dizziness, the blackouts, the acne, the constant nausea, the giant eyebags and sudden crows feet ?? Like yeah, no shit thats what happens when ur every waking hour is the equivalent of that camille preaker crying gif
#i know the fact that i faint every couple of days and go a little blind sometimes should be priority here#but it REALLY pisses me off how much and how quickly this (?) stress is aging me#id still like to look good even if i feel like shit. sorry#the worst thing is that im doing everything in my power to do all the right things#but since i dont actually KNOW why having sex affected me in such a weird way. I cant really take the proper steps to get over it#like.. i can treat the symptoms best i can but as far as the root of it all. i have no idea whats actually wrong or how to fix it#in some senses it seems pretty cut and dry- i cant remember my childhood. i was neglected. i have a bunch of issues#i have sex for the first time. i stop functioning. i go into a depressive episode. i cant sleep.eat.be around people#i feel paralyzed by fear at the most random of times and have to hide in a small space to feel safe again. i cry so much i pop an eye vesse#like CLEARLY something is wrong. and just in an objective sense it sounds like something bad happened a long time ago associated with sex#however ! life is more complicated than that and i think its unhelpful to make assumptions (yes im aware i might also be in denial lol)#i already know i have trauma so its not weird for me to exhibit trauma responses. and maybe that was triggered bc i wasnt ready to have sex#it doesnt have to have a sinister explanation. it might just be as simple as me not vibing with the guy and regretting it later#idk. obviously my reaction to it is violently out of proportion. but i might just be a sensitive person !#does that sound silly or reasonable? reading it back i still kinda wonder if its just the denial speaking but idk!#i really really wish i just knew what was wrong so that i could actually start to move on#i know im bumming u guys out talking about it but i cant exactly talk to my family and im trying to not unload everything onto my friends :#bc as supportive and wonderful as they are i can tell they feel bad and have no idea what to say#which is fair enough bc its a really weird situation! so i dont want to burden them more than what i have to for my own sanity#tw#?#diary entries
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I will cradle him and his evil.
Nicci Harris, His Pretty Little Queen
#nicci harris#his pretty little queen#his pretty little burden#cosa nostra#boys of the district#quotes
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local man forced to think about their father: one dead, countless injured.
#eliot posts#i just got a gift in the mail from him#he almost always gave us gifts on valentines day#it's like. he was sweet sometimes yknow?#but he's also the same man who shoved me against a wall and threatened to stab me in a fit of drunken rage that one time#he used to put me on his shoulders to pick fruit from the tall branches to bake pies with#he also used to mock me til i was near tears for his own amusement#he'd stay in my bed with me when i was little and gave myself nightmares from watching too many of those cryptid documentaries#but also he stunk of booze and once was so drunk he pissed himself in my bed and i had to scrub myself off before going to kindergarten#it's. easier to deal with my feelings about my mother in some ways#she was just. pretty consistently awful.#sometimes the *ways* in which she was awful varied (i think she's who i inherited the bipolar from)#like would it be violent controlling manic or distant avoidant depressed? it was a surprise#but i could kinda count on the fact that like yeah whatever she sees me as a burden no matter what. whatever.#but with my dad... oof. much more complicated.#abuse mention
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started Thinking TM about miraculous ladybug again. I can feel it. the desire to hyperfixate on this show is looming over me
#from the writer's den#void talks#maybe!!! just to stave off the waiting for s6!!#I'll do more redesigns#or honestly#I keep meaning to do like#an au with attwdc#bc the thought of it is REALLY tempting to me#and I could probably do it pretty easily (though ml's cast is MUCH bigger than attwdc's)#but just like#thinking about who would suit each miraculous ...#like the EASY answer is that life & death should have the ladybug + black cat miraculouses respectively#but that's not INTERESTING.#the FAR more intriguing thing is to have it be karyn and diana respectively instead#since diana already has the whole parental expectations and burdens thing paralleling adrien#and karyn much like marinette cannot shut her mouth to save her life#and gets Obsessive and Spiteful#obviously triste gets to have the butterfly miraculous. no brainer. emotional manipulation king.#he even has a little dead spouse angst in him#and I think logically then delta could have the peacock as mayura#or maybe zeta?#and then have delta take the role of the previous guardian -- which I think is more interesting than having it be life/death#-- and has the benefit that death could be a miraculous holder (which one... idk)#or or or or or#triste has the fox miraculous#going in his lila era#actually no strike that#I think the best option is probably death has the black cat -- karyn gets the turtle -- diana has the ladybug -- life has the fox#with the idea being that diana is a good pick for ''guarding'' the ladybug miraculous but also has the training for it#while karyn's job is to Keep Her Own Ass Safe. hence shield.
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i wish anxiety didnt just make it seem like everythings dying why am i vibing right now actually
#the key: the suns actually out today so im just hyper LMAO#but last week it was just all doom and gloom and my little breakdown#and i was lowkey kinda worried about today bc the course director meetings on thursday is exactly why i always get anxious#BUT I DID OKAAAAAY !!!! 🥳🥳#also not having to worry about 'oh god everyone hates me im being such a huge burden i should go run off forever' is such a nice thing#just living life :)#that + assurance from friend made me go :3 hehehe my friend likes me#i might be stupid lmao#snow speaks#the sunrise was pretty today ^7^ its just stinkin cold
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