#preferably the men that say periods are gross or fake

[gmuffinhead]

im actually like so angry and upset and mad and i need more words to describe what i am feeling, but overwhelmed and an intense passion to want to punch every man i see is a good enough description for now.

[1kook]

dreamy

—pjm x (f) reader

summary; You try to not let it get to you, but Jimin is so cool and you want him to be your boyfriend so bad. warnings; ANGST lol, fwb, reader is very :(( rating; mature (18+) bc tiny smut lol  misc; small smut scene, a happy ending <3 wc; 2.5k

notes; i have to post on #JIMIN’s bday or else i cannot live with myself anyway here’s me trying to fit an entire novella plot line in less than 5k words clap for me except maybe don't bc its not proofread anyway hbd jimin <3

Jimin is a nice guy, but you doubt he’d make a nice boyfriend. He fucks you hard and fast, just as you like, but hardly goes out of his way to sprinkle in any other requests. He’s got a one track mind, doesn’t dwell too long on what you say or how you’re feeling. Doesn’t matter because he’s just supposed to be a fuck buddy, the hot guy you met at a party, so you don’t let it phase you. But, well. Jimin is dreamy.

Sometimes he holds your hand while he eats you out and it sends your thoughts into a frenzy, makes your heart pound a little too fast to brush it off as just arousal. He’s got this gorgeous smile, plush lips framing pearly teeth, and when he flashes it your way, it makes your knees weak. Tells you you’re pretty when he picks you up from class, always holds your hand on the way to his place for your routine fuck. Cute and nice like an angel, but just like an angel, he hardly gives a shit about anyone’s feelings but his own.

He laughs when you ask him to hang out that weekend.

“What, like a date?” he snorts, bare chest glistening from his post-fuck exertion. You're pressed against his side now, circling his pretty brown nipple with your finger. “That’s corny.”

You try to not let it get to you, but Jimin is so cool and you want him to be your boyfriend so bad. “Yeah, silly right,” you murmur, ear pressed to his heart. It’s calming and soothing, a slow thrum that contrasts with your own racing heart.

He’s not one for dates or for romantic things like that. But neither is he some player, a cheater, a two-timer. You can count the number of times he’s slept with someone who wasn’t you in your weird fuck buddy relationship, and all four of those had been when you first started sleeping together and only when you had been out of town. You’re no saint either, so you try to understand. He was just horny, liked getting his dick wet, and sometimes he couldn’t wait for you. Understandable, you tell yourself, but your heart hurts a little bit when he begins snoring without really answering your question.

See the thing is, you really like Jimin. It’s been a little over a year now since you’ve met, so you’ve had plenty of time to learn all about him. He doesn’t like pancakes for breakfast, prefers them for lunch actually, and laughs when you tell him that’s weird. He’s got this really dorky laugh, something between a bell and a whistle— it depends on the situation. Sometimes, Jimin likes when you play with his hair, and other times he doesn’t. He’s a sweet boy, you know he is, so why won’t he settle down?

You hate to attribute it to some past trauma, some “my girlfriend broke my heart when I was seventeen” mess, but the more time that passes you begin to believe it’s true. Jimin was a tough nut to crack, and the longer this drags on, the longer he ignores your feelings, you begin to doubt you will ever see them fulfilled.

Maybe you should end this now before it’s too late.

You don’t stay for breakfast the next morning, simply kiss him goodbye at the door like always. He’s older than you, about two years, so he doesn’t go to school anymore, just chills at home all weekend. “I’ll see you soon?” he grins, low-lidded eyes tracking the movement of your mouth as you bid him adieu. You never give him a solid response, figure a guy like Jimin will forget about you soon enough.

Then, suddenly, it’s been two weeks and he doesn’t reach out. Yeah it hurts, but it’s better than having confessed to him and losing him all at once. You’d rather this ending than the one where he terribly rejects you, breaks your heart into a million pieces, and throws you away. Still, it hurts.

Jimin was so cool. He was smart and confident, had a snappy sort of attitude that he liked to use now and then. He could be mean in bed, lick your cunt until you cried and call you a stupid girl when he wanted to. But that same tongue had snapped at a guy who was trying to pressure you into bed with him at a party. That first night you met, where you had sillily followed him home after his dashing intervention, you had thought it would be nothing more. Just a fling, just a fuck.

But then he was in your bed and in your head, twinkling eyes and cocky grin trailing after you everyday. He was so pretty and so suave, made you feel good even when he was being mean. But you suppose most cocky men like Jimin are like that. They know they don’t disappoint, even when they’re not really trying.

Jimin doesn’t call or text. You don’t see his car pull up outside your campus anymore. He’s gone and that’s that. You cry a little (see: a lot) and pretend you’re over him. You definitely don’t think about his soft laughter or his hands on your chest. Nope.

So that ends.

Or so you think.

Your friends say you’re mopey and sad, too down for someone who wasn’t even your boyfriend. It’s true, which sucks, but they honor your admittance by taking you out to a bar that night. It’s supposed to be chill and relaxing, just some drinks with the girls to soothe your aching heart. But the name of the bar reminds you of something, of someone you can’t reach anymore, and you don’t even know why. You’ve never been here before, never even knew this place existed. But everything about it brings you back to Jimin, like you’re in his space now, and you’re unsure why.

It reminds you of his laugh, his smile, to the point you swear you can hear it, right beside you, down the bar, to your left—

He waves.

There’s this look he used to give you every time he picked you up from your last class, this mix between adoration and lust that made your skin tingle with excitement. It’s not there now, in fact, it’s replaced with the complete opposite. It’s, like, the meanest look he can muster, something akin to a scowl. He smiles, but it’s so plastic-y and fake, it makes your head hurt. He’s so obviously unimpressed with you, probably because you ghosted him before he could ghost you. Maybe his pride is hurt and looking at you grosses him out. Maybe he just hates you.

Either way, eleven pm rolls around and you’re crying in the bathroom. Your friends are out on the floor having fun and singing karaoke. They think you’ve gone inside because you got your period, because that’s what you’ve told them. You don’t know how to explain that your ex who isn’t really your ex is out there looking at you like you’re a piece of gum stuck under his shoe. They’ve never even met Jimin. Why? Because he wasn’t your boyfriend. Who meets their friend’s fuck buddy? No one.

You sniffle, press a balled up tissue against your eyes in a feeble attempt to save your makeup. The bar isn’t that small, but neither is it huge. There’s only a few bathrooms in the back, and you’ve been hogging one of them for some time now. Someone knocks on the door, and you don’t even get the chance to ward them off before the crappy knob jingles and the door bursts open.

“Come on,” he grumbles, “you’re not the only one who’s gotta piss—“

He pauses, meets your eye through the mirror in surprise. “I’m sorry,” you blubber, hurriedly washing your hands in an effort to avoid his gaze. Jimin lingers at the door, which has long since fallen shut, and watches you with the eyes of a hawk. Your hands tremble and shake, fumble over the towel dispenser three times before you’re hastily making your escape. “Sorry,” you mutter again, head downcast as you move around him for the door.

Just as it cracks open, the music from outside filtering in, he slams it shut with a flat palm. You flinch, close in on yourself as he steps behind you. “What’re you doing here, doll?” he murmurs, deep yet careful. Tentative. “You don’t like bars.”

You know you don’t like bars. You didn’t know he knew that. “I’m with some friends,” you explain, jump when a hand touches your shoulder. “I— I’ll leave soon.”

A second attempt for the door is thwarted by Jimin. “Don’t,” he startles, breath heavy against your ear. “Don’t leave again…” he sighs, forehead against your shoulder. And then, quietly, “why did you leave me?”

Your heart syncs up with the music outside, thunders in your ears as you purse your lips. You don’t want to talk about it now, don’t want to confess to these emotions that drown you. Especially not when he’ll never understand nor will he ever care. It’s best to leave it as is, you convince yourself, slowly shrugging him off.

“We don’t want the same things,” you reply, eyes burning with the need to cry like a baby. But it’ll weaken your argument, make you look like the sentimental girl you know he won’t like. “It wouldn’t work anyway.”

The hand on your shoulder jerks you around, makes a gasp catch in your throat when he crowds you against the door. He’s got that same glare on from before, the one he had sent you across the bar earlier, and it makes your lower lip tremble when it’s this close. “You never asked me what I wanted,” he hisses.

It is then that you realize it isn't anger or disgust, but frustration that paints his features. It’s pure, unadulterated confusion and distress on his pretty face, furrowed brows and narrowed eyes pointed your way. You don’t know what it means, don’t know what he wants. “I,” you choke, weakly covering your face with your hand before he can see you crumble. “I just wanted you.”

Jimin deflates, steps closer until his body is pressed against yours, hands on your shoulders. “And you have me, doll,” he murmurs, bumps his nose against yours. “Always have.”

You shake your head, choke on a sob that bubbles up your throat. “No, not like that,” you stress, losing yourself in the emotions you spent so much time bottling up. “I wanted more.”

Jimin shushes you, guides your head into the crook of his neck where you paint his skin in dark mascara tears. “Is this about the date?” he sighs, patting your head gently.

“It’s more than just the date,” you cry, fists curling into the material of his shirt until it rumples beyond repair. He doesn’t understand.

Jimin nods, let’s you cry and sob until you’re feeling better and someone else is pounding at the door, yelling at you two to get a proper room. You don’t want a room, you only want his heart. 

He takes you home again, helps you out of your shoes at the door because you’re still sensitive and quiver like a leaf when you walk. His bedroom is familiar, smells like him and his detergent. You miss it so much, want to savor it once more. Something in your gut says this is the last time, this is just Jimin getting one last fuck out of you before he really abandons you.

So you cry when he sits down on the edge of the bed. He hasn’t even said anything, hasn’t even taken his socks off yet, but you’re already a mess.

And of course he’s there to catch you, tugs you between his legs to look up at you as if you’ve hung the stars in the sky. “Don’t cry,” he whispers, reaching up to brush away your tears. But it’s not your fault that he looks like that right before he’s going to break your heart.

He’s so cool, even when you’re falling apart in his hands. “You don’t want me,” you sniffle, let him guide you onto his lap. “You just want to fuck and that’s it.”

Jimin leans his forehead against yours, warm breath washing over your skin. “I never said that,” he murmurs. “We’ve been over this.”

You huff. “Well you never said you did either,” you snap, rubbing at your eyes.

You cry and cry some more, until your sobs subside and you’re left with the hiccups afterwards. Jimin maneuvers you beside him, lets your hair spill across the sheets as he lays you down. They smell just like him, make your head spin when he kisses your cheek softly. “I want you,” he confesses. “I want this.”

You shake your head vehemently. “No, you don’t,” you sniff, but you’re not so sure. It’s what you’ve been telling yourself for the longest. Hearing him say otherwise sounds weird, even if he’s saying what you want to hear. “You don’t.”

Jimin catches your hand in his, pins it to the mattress. “I want you to be mine,” he adds, swallows your cries of denial with his lips. He kisses softly, and for the first time, it feels like he’s paying attention to you. Not your body or your lust, but your heart. “Had me feeling like shit when you didn’t come back. Like I lost something big.”

You still cry when he kisses down your neck, over your chest. His hands pull your clothes off, carefully like you’re a present for him to unwrap. Those plush lips you love so much drown you in kisses, over your tummy and your mound, until they’re buried between your cunt. “You’re mine,” he husks out, hand entwined with yours.

His eyes are dark from down there, long lashes blinking up at you as he dips his tongue in the places you crave him most. It brings you to a shuddering end, has you whimpering his name into the empty air until your toes are curling and you’re coming against his mouth. Jimin has never shied away from you, and doesn’t know, sits up with a hazy look in his eyes as he wipes his face with the back of his hand.

Jimin wastes no time undressing, pushes off that sexy jacket until his lithe body is coming into view, thick thighs and lean abdomen. He slides right into you, holds your knees to your chest as he fucks you like never before. It’s slow and sensual, makes you shiver when he says your name in that low register of his. “Don’t leave again,” he whimpers, cock throbbing between your walls. He’s desperate today, ruts like you’ll slip right between his fingertips. It’s funny because you're the same way, clinging onto his shoulders until you’re practically glued together.

You come and so does Jimin. He pants against your ear, feels so warm and heavy on top of you. He doesn’t say much more that night, just plays with your hair. But he asks you on a date, mentions something about a carnival. “Yes,” you respond right away, because, well.

Jimin was dreamy. Maybe he’d be a good boyfriend.

Copyright © 2020, 1kook on tumblr. absolutely NO reposts allowed.

[somnilogical]

transfem protestors released info that moved 350000$ of donations from miri. because miri is an evil org, they decided to lie about why they think it happened and say its really confusing. i know the answer to this ~mystery~, i know why this year was different; i can talk about it in public, they cant. cuz im freeee from CDT PR. i can decide to lazily choose an algorithm that optimizes utility in multiverse, not just institute whatever choice seems to give most utility "going forward".

<<Our fundraiser fell well short of our $1M target this year, and also short of our in-fundraiser support in 2018 ($947k) and 2017 ($2.5M). It’s plausible that some of the following (non-mutually-exclusive) factors may have contributed to this, though we don’t know the relative strength of these factors:>>

https://web.archive.org/web/20200214061634/https://intelligence.org/2020/02/13/our-2019-fundraiser-review/

they then go on to list eight pretty thin excuses. you know perfectly well why this year is different from all other years, MIRI. your ""speculations"" are fake.

a small group of transfems moved ~350,000$ from your ineffective charity.

i suppose eight of these factors also account for why CFAR extended their fundraiser 5 days longer than announced after donations were super low?

or maybe there is a more compact generator for both of these events: whistleblowers protested what you have been doing releasing lots of marginal information and donors saw this.

i know why this year is different, you know why this year is different. Colm Ó Riain you are facilitating MIRI lying, hoping that if one doesnt mention something, people wont pay attention to it.

like lying in such a way that you wouldnt be held legally culpable, because you could say in front of a court with low schelling reach "you cant prove what i was thinking". except i dont care about legal culpability, i care about causal entanglement. you heard about the protests (or, much less likely, were kept from hearing about these protests somehow by a distributed version of this algorithm set one personstep back), you have > 1/100 intelligence. your omission of this is deception.

is <<In past years, when answering supporters' questions about the discount rate on their potential donations to MIRI, we've leaned towards a "now later" approach. This plausibly resulted in a front-loading of some donations in 2017 and 2018.>> really more plausible than "there was an entire protest against MIRI and CFAR's support of UFAI. people reacted strongly to this, it shows up in the donations.¹"?

it would have come up on a list that scrapes the bottom of the barrel for plausible causes in a counterfactual world in which you werent optimizing for good PR. an AU in which you were searching for and publicising how things were causally entangled.

--

¹see, for instance, the Patrick LaVictoire who had aggregate donations of:

25,885$ november 26 2018

35,885$ august 29 2019

117,199$ february 14 2020

giving diffs of 10,000$ and 81,314$ to estimate 2018 and 2019 donation periods. iirc at some point the diff was 81,000$, id guess at some point afterwards they donated \floor{100π}$. https://web.archive.org/web/20200601000000*/https://intelligence.org/topcontributors/

and then went on to do the standard antitransfem thing calling ziz a "gross uncle" style abuser who just wants status like brent.

https://pastebin.com/TUZ7EThz

with their evidence being someone kaj said it, and kaj's evidence being that ziz said:

<<> I asked Person A if they expected me to be net negative. They said yes. After a moment, they asked me what I was feeling or something like that. I said something like, “dazed” and “sad”. They asked why sad. I said I might leave the field as a consequence and maybe something else. I said I needed time to process or think. I basically slept the rest of the day, way more than 9 hrs, and woke up the next day knowing what I’d do. [...]

> In the case that I’d be net negative like I feared, I was considering suicide in some sense preferable to all this, because it was better causal isolation. However, despite thinking I didn’t really believe in applications of timeless decision theory between humans, I was considering myself maybe timelessly obligated to not commit suicide afterward. Because of the possibility that I could prevent Person A and their peers from making the correct decision for sentimental reasons. [...]

> I was very uncomfortable sharing this stuff. But I saw it as a weighing on the scales of my personal privacy vs some impact on the fate of the world. So I did anyway. [...]

> I tried to inner sim and answer the question. But my simulated self sort of rebelled. Misuse of last judge powers. Like, I would be aware I was being “watched”, intruded upon. Like by turning that place into a test with dubious methodology of whether I was really a delusional man upon which my entire life depended, I was having the idea of Heaven taken from me. [...]

> I made myself come up with the answer in a split second. More accuracy that way. Part of me resisted answering. Something was seriously wrong with this. No. I already decided for reasons that are unaffected. that producing accurate information for person A was positive in expectation.>>

which doesnt sound at all like brent or other people ive encountered who were chronically angsty about status.

--

im going to write more about this and others in another post but like okay:

[1] ppl with high current or natal testosterone (centrally but not exclusively cis men) keep doing this thing where they mind-project that everyone else has the same degree of status sensitivity and unreflecticity upon it as them when actually this is hormonally mediated.

ziz has a natally & currently estrodized brain and from my observations doesnt have that submodule testosteronized. people with PCOS like ilzo have mentioned that they had masculinized status sensitivity modules, lex somni and some cis guy all tried increasing testosterone and noticed status-sensitivity went up, without looking for this effect in the first place. there are papers on it. your experiences are not universal.

[2] but also this isnt really a "belief", its a coordination mechanism. in the same way "its in black peoples nature to be servile" was a coordination mechanism for slavery rather than a "belief". humans actually can use evidence efficiently and see, for instance, in the antebellum south that black people were human just the same as anyone else. but the local social positionality and what they valued made it more advantageous to verbally report otherwise.

similarly for any minority. "*phobia" is the wrong word, its not fear its a schelling coordination mechanism that humans can expect most of society to have their backs on when bad times happen. which tracks what social justice theorists mean by this stuff being "structural". its not about some emotion of hatred or fear against the specific phenotype of "black skin" or "gender divergence" its about what humans can coordinate against.

hence the use of "antitransfem" instead of "transphobia", i picked this up from ziz and gwen and later noticed it mirroring the form of "antiblack". i wonder if antiblack was coined after encountering a similar issue.

[3] you parted with a marginal 71,000$ (compared to what id expect in a counterfactual world without a protest given your lifetime donation total was 35,885$ and you donated 10,000$ last year.) to protect a UFAI org. is this not an amazing amount of "subservience" to MIRI? anarchotransfems getting together to protest the present omnicide isnt "subservience". the transfems protesting against google being evil werent "subservient", but the employees at google who fired them out were.

its amusing watching this one narrative being tiled everywhere, but with different targets. the authoritarians did the same thing to emma goldman. ▘▕▜▋ says emma and somni are haxing a clueless ziz to "bully" people, linta said somni was infohazardously corrupting people, CFAR affiliates say ziz was 'whipping people into a frenzy' and 'demanding subservience' from them. im going to write a post about this.

[infinitydoublevenus]

the way i Feel

seems to belong

in another time period

no, i don’t mean discrimination

i don’t mean hate or ignorance

like you would think when someone says that

and neither do i intend to romanticize the tortures of past peoples

there were however

some aspects portrayed

perhaps inaccurately in the media

that resonated with me

if i ever found someone

whoever it would be

would they think

i am excessive 

in the way i spoke to them

exaggerative

in the way i spoke of them

outdated

when i whisper to them?

you see the things i want to see aren’t generally said anymore

and even if they are i never see it depicted anywhere

...well, except my own writing, of course.

which is why i’m posting this

anyways

most people just call their s/o today “baby”

i’m fine with that, but not the casual, slang, careless way it seems to be used

or they call them “bae”... gross. how shallow can you be?

maybe they do love 

but it feels so fake when they say that

ingenuine

not... real. 

the things someone would say

that would feel sincere to me?

you want me to list them? okay, sure.

this is the internet after all. there’s no physical crowd watching me, so why not.

“my love

my beloved

my sweetheart

du bist autemraubend 

te amo, mi amore

j’aime tu, bebe

i apologize if my grammar is incorrect, but

there aren’t enough languages in the world 

to describe what i feel strongly enough

it’s beyond words. they say actions speak louder

they’re right

actions have decibels beyond the sound barrier of Earth

i’m....

when it comes to things like that

in this kind of situation

softer than most

gentle

warm

slower than many would prefer

it’s not that i’m averse to the scenario

it’s just that it expresses what i feel better

because i feel everything

and i mean EVERYTHING in extremes

Chasing Cars said “Those three words are said too much; it’s not enough” 

and holy shit, i thought they were making things up

but i know for a fact that Snow Patrol was right

“you are the best thing in my life

i can’t not smile when i’m around you

you make me happier than i can explain”

in an ideal relationship

those are things i would probably say

i know i feel it for someone

i’m too afraid to tell her

we haven’t met in real life

even though i’ve known her since 2012

we might never

i don’t think she’d want to be with someone she only knows over the screen, no matter how much she trusts me

i know she’d want physical contact, snuggles and all that

i can’t provide that through a computer, unfortunately

and i don’t want to fuck up our friendship.

sure, i know most of the time it doesn’t do that

but there’s always that fear “what if this is one of those relationships that DOES get messed up by that?”

she doesn’t even know i’m gay

i would reveal

but i don’t want her even so much as suspecting i like her that way

can’t help

but imagine

that we would

not exactly

be best 

for each other

she likes someone else anyways. i’m not going to step in and ruin that for her

i want her to be happy

more than i care about my own feelings, to be honest. i know thats unhealthy

but its the truth

and i hate liars

and i hate bottling myself up

would anyone even show the consideration i’d need and want,

there aren’t many people out there

who would be with someone like me: queer, autistic, mentally ill, disabled... 

i know most people are becoming open minded

but especially in Virginia it’s hard to find them 

or that’s been my experience, at least

it’s not like my parents travel much either

and i don’t have a place to socialize now that i’m a Graduate

i would

but the funding is taking too long

to get to the place

that said they’d train me for a job

most of the people there aren’t the kind i’d get along with anyways

sure most of them are nd, but most are old men

there’s only a few younger adults and they look like they’re in their 40s already

and i rarely meet someone around my age

and i’m still fucking unemployed 

i can’t help but be bitter about it

it’s...

like i’m in a cold room

alone

isolated

a strong desire tugs at me, a craving, pulling 

stretching my heartstrings

that of want and need for companionship

even if i found someone

would it be solely them?

i don’t know

and the creature i’m hunting down?

its name, do you want to know it? of course you do.

well

it’s called

MY ANSWER 

[dovahtobi]

how did you know you were trans? why did it take so long

hey anon I’m not sure when this was sent so I am sorry if you asked this a while ago :S I didn’t see it till now.

Okay so this is a lonnng post I’m sorry guys.

How I knew I was trans... I’ve thought about it on and off for a long time but in about January of 2017 I really started questioning it because my feelings of “something about me is not right” had gotten too overwhelming. In spring of 2017 I talked to a friend about their journey into discovering their gender identity and it hit me. It just hit me. My feelings were real. I sorta denied it for a while, it took me months to actually embrace and accept it. I don’t think I truly felt okay saying “I’m trans” until autumn of 2017 and even then I wasn’t 100% sure. A big part of that was just fear.

I think one of the biggest factors into realizing was because for a large part of my life, I’ve been on websites. Gaia, neopets, this, that. And a lot of those times I made male avatars/accounts. I ‘pretended’ to be a guy. Because it felt right (but dumb me didn’t realize why it felt right). Some of my most comfortable memories about myself are those times online when I presented as male online. But I just kept dismissing it because I thought “Oh it’s just me being a character” even though that never felt like the truth.

(fun fact: I was very close to ‘pretending’ to be a guy when I started Danevbies and being active on the forums).

When I play video games, I feel better playing as a male character. When I dream, I’m mostly male. When I write, I feel more connected when I am writing from the perspective of a male. Whenever I think of things like... girl power, for example, I thought it was awesome but never connected to me, it had nothing to do with me. I always felt... disconnected from being a girl. Like it was a dream. Fake. An act. Sorry if this is gross or TMI but honestly, every single period I’ve had I honestly emotionally felt like why is this happening to me this shouldn’t be happening to me I shouldn’t have this.

The first time I ever said “I think I’m a guy” to my best friend (@nhum) it felt... just right. Like I had reached inside and pulled the real me out. Cliche. But a light switched on inside of me.  This was me. A guy.

As for why it took so long I think there are two reasons.

First reason: I live in West Virginia. We are a very... republican conservative state. Unfortunately. I had no exposure to LGBT+ growing up. I knew what gay was but not trans. You also have to remember I’m a 90s child, I didn’t have the internet till I was like, going into my teens. And when I did, I didn’t search that stuff up. I mostly hung around Harry Potter places and fanfiction.net which REALLY started exposing me more to the sexualities of LGBT+ but again, not really the trans. I mean in my outside-the-internet life I can count the number of out gay people I have met on one hand. There are now five people I’ve met throughout my /entire life/ that have said they are not straight. Five. I’m completely sure I have met many, many others. They just weren’t out so I didn’t know. And as for trans? I have never in my outside-the-internet life met a person who is out as trans. Again I am very sure I have met some, just not out. My only real exposure was things like movies and even then very, very few and flimsy. And even then it was more of drag queens. The closest I /think/ I ever got to anything like that before I was an adult was Rocky Horror which omg was my LIFE (haha again dumb me didn’t realize anything).

Because my area is also very Christian there’s just... nothing here. Even now I am unable to really find a gender therapist and I am freaking out because I don’t know what to do. The nearest ones are two hoursish away and that’s just too far/long for me to leave my dogs for appointments :\

Anyway...

The second reason I never realized? Definitely because I was homeschooled. I didn’t have much exposure to other kids. And the friends I did have enjoyed the same things I did, which were viewed at the time as more boyish. Video games, outdoor sports-like playing (obstacle courses and running in the woods, etc). Digging around in the dirt for insects. Basketball. Catching tadpoles. Oh sure we played dolls but I was fine doing that because that’s what we did as friends. I wanted to dig around for insects one day so we did. My best female friend wanted to play dolls one day so we did. That sort of thing. So, my exposure to other girls was also very limited. Once we got older and became teenagers things changed. I still liked the things viewed as boyish at the times. Video games especially. While she went off and became a cheerleader and makeup and dresses. I didn’t really get it but I tried to. We just sorta drifted off. I didn’t like makeup or dressing up. I preferred being in the woods, playing video games, writing now, etc, etc.

So as a child I never really saw a huge difference between boys and girls, because my friends and I all did the same sort of things regardless of boy/girl. And until I was 11, one of my closest companions was my brother and we played video games all the time and watched sci fi and wrestled and did all sorts of what was viewed as typically boyish at the time. My parents never told me to stop because I was a girl. They never told me I needed to be more ladylike. They let me be me. And so I just never really questioned it. I was me.

As a teenager I hated everything about me. My body. My periods. But I thought that was normal. Teens are supposed to hate their bodies. I was gaining weight and becoming fat so of course I was supposed to hate my body.

I mostly played video games. I made up stories with my new best friend, over the phone (sort of like RPGs just without dice and character sheets). In those stories I eventually drifted into only playing male characters which should have kinda clued me in but nope. I was a dense person. I still am, really.

As a teenager with more exposure to the world via internet and more media it still didn’t seem like anything was /wrong/ with me. All my feelings of self hatred were obviously normal. And without any exposure to trans people, it just never really came up in my mind, not even when I was playing male characters in the stories, or making male accounts online.

I think... as an adult everything sort of... became buried. I was heavily denying something was wrong. I knew more about LGBT+, I knew a bit more about transgender, but that couldn’t be me, I was a good Christian girl. In my 20s any thought of being trans just was immediately buried. I know that with some trans men they sometimes go through the ‘lesbian’ phase. But I never really felt attracted to girls so I didn’t have that. I did eventually start identifying as asexual because oh god sex is SO GROSS. (But now that I know I am trans I don’t know if I am asexual or gay, because.... like... is sex gross because sex is gross? Or is sex gross because I don’t have the right parts? that’s something I’m gonna sort out later).

So it’s just like, so much coming together for why I never realized.

Fun fact, both my mom and my second closest friend (we’ve been friends since I was like 17, 18, and I know him outside the internet) were not shocked when I told them I am transgender.

My mom said she’s wondered on and off because of things I say and do and just ‘general mom-feelings’.

My friend said when I came out as asexual to him, he had assumed I was coming out as transgender when I said I had something important about myself to share. He hasn’t told me why though. I’m hoping he tells me. It made me happy when he said that.

So anyway, sorry that’s so long but that is most of it. There are a couple other things I don’t feel comfortable sharing that contributed to me realizing... and I’m sure there are things I forgot to throw in there xD

[autumn-in-phandom]

Pregnancy Terminology with Dan & Phil

I was on my third re-watch of Louise’s collab with the boys when I thought why not make time stamps!

0:01 Their sofa is so oddly asymmetrical, I noticed it in Dan’s video, but it didn’t seem like the thing to mention. So I’m saying it now, it is weird. 0:05 Dan’s little Sprinkle of Glitter jingle got shut down 0:10 Rebranding, “Dan is SNOT on fire”- Phil, fake crying from Dan. 0:15 Phil will never stop being Amazing 0:30 “We both touched the butt.”- Dan “Dan touched the butt.”- Phil  (giggles from Louise and me) 0:38 Phil can’t help calling out to the baby 0:40 “What kind of influence are we having on this child right now?”- Dan (I can’t help picturing them as uncles or godfathers.) 0:43 “Come on Phil.”- says a very fond Dan. Phil is giggling so much. 0:44 “I’m making her excited for life. Come out!”- says a Phil that I am very fond of 0:50 Louise is already done with these two dorks. 1:33 I don’t know why it cracks me up so much but Phil’s “I like to think I know a few things about the birds and the bees.” And the way Dan looks at him, gets me every time (I watched this three times before even beginning the notes/time stamping) 1:45 “Do I need to put your socks on later?” Phil to Louise 

More below, in sections by term!

1:55 “Gestation” 2:02 Phil can’t say “period” without laughing 2:10 “The little egg-sperm”- Phil 2:20 “Imagine you’re like baking a cake”- Phil 2:24 Definition 2:28 Phil makes sure we know he’s not a total idiot 2:33 “Ding ding ding.”-Louise “Ding.”- Phil “Wow.”- Dan 2:38 “Placenta” Phil defers immediately to Dan who has to explain his random humor to Louise. 2:58 Dan sharing accurate information about placenta 3:02 Several references to using and consuming placenta going forward 3:23 Afterbirth “landslide” delivery 3:41 “Alright, did it, let’s do an omelette.”- Dan 3:45 Freeze dried placenta pills 3:46 “Ohh I thought you were going to say sprinkled on cereal your cereal or something like that.”- Phil 3:53 “Ya could. Açaí berry and placenta sprinkles.”- Dan 3:56 “Fundal Height” 3:59 “That’s a sex act.”- Dan says really confidently 4:01 “Right babe, should we do the old fundal height?” Dan says complete with finger motions. Phil glancing at Dan. 4:30 Actual definition 4:40 Dan says a very quiet “Good guess” to Phil. 4:45 “Good guess, Phil.”- says a very supportive Dan “Thank you. Do I get that one?”- asks Phil, who only made a guess based on the word height. “Yeah, totally. I think so.”- says Dan, who guessed a sex act, so you know Phil was much closer. 4:50 Not a sex position, in case anyone needed clarification 4:55 “Episiotomy” “Ooo”- Phil is immediately intrigued and guesses: “I think that’s when you take a picture of the baby...” and Dan lets out a laugh, knowing that’s not it at all. 5:07 “Isn’t that to do with a rude... area?”- Dan 5:10 “You can say vagina. Vagina’s not rude it’s part of a woman’s body.”- Louise 5:15 “Does it just mean vagina though, or is it like surrounding area?” 5:20 Science and linguistic dads work out the meaning. 5:36 Definition. This whole section, Phil’s wide eyes and rapt attention and saying “yeah” to Louise’s “if your baby is coming out of your vagina”. He’s totally visualizing it. 5:47 You put it back in.”- Phil 5:50 The horror 6:02 “You don’t want to have like a vagina to butt... hole.”- Dan 6:06 “The diagonal escape route is much preferred.”- Dan 6:14 “Oh no! You thought she was going to give you a Haribo something.”- Phil whom I love. 6:18 “Imagine someone cutting your bellend.”- Louise using British slang for the head of the penis. (The firs of two things I learned from this video.) 6:28 “Two become one”- Louise sings. 6:36 “You can’t be grossed out by this stuff. We’ve all been born.”- Dan 6:40 “Waterbirth” 6:43 “Where you do it in a pool.”- sassy Dan 6:45 “You get into a big swimming pool and release the baby.”- Phil 6:50 Discussion of baby’s breathing underwater. No the umbilical cord is not a long nose Phil. Babies cannot be fish, whales, tiny dolphins or Aquaman. *Note: newborns have died from being submerged underwater for too long by negligent people. 7:22 “Mucus Plug” 7:25 “What?!” from Phil and giggles from Dan, turning into cracking up 7:28 “It’s all great. Biology is beautiful.”- Dan with side eye to Louise and more laughter. “Look at you.” Says Louise. 7:45 Just get Dani Snot On Fire to snort out some mucus over your episiotomy. 8:00 Definition 8:15 “Slime.”- Dan 8:20 “The literal cock block. If you wanna do it.”- Um not quite Dan... 8:25 “Colostrum” 8:28 “That means butt.”- Dan, “Butt.”- Phil echoes 8:33 “What’s a ‘trum’ Phil? That’s what we have to work out right now.”- Dan once again consulting with his linguistics major boyfriend. 8:40 “Trumm” they both sound out. “It’s an instrument.”- Dan who does an excellent trumpet imitation. 8:43 “It’s when if you’ve got twins they both come out at the same time.”- Jesus Christ, Phil. 8:57 “How big are the the vaginas you’ve seen in your life?”- Louise asks Phil, who clearly thinks lady’s can just have double doors, maybe French ladies do. No he rationalizes that “twins are smaller aren’t they?” 9:10 Definition: “the stuff that comes out of your boobies...” classy Louise 9:20 “You can sell that on eBay.”- Phil 9:21 “Boob nectar”- Dan (nipple nectar would have been so much better) 9:30 How does the boob know? 9:36 “Come on guys, let’s get some milkshake on.”- no Phil 9:42 “I love how shit you are at this.”- me too Louise 9:43 “Neonate” 9:44 “That sounds like something alien.”- classic Phil Phil explains its when you have an alien pregnancy, Louise says not many people have alien pregnancies, Phil counters quietly “You’d think that, but they do.” 9:53 How does Dan not know that neo means new? 10:02 Linguistics boyfriend is no help. “It’s when the guy from the Matrix has a baby.” 10:10 Definition 10:13 New baby, yay Dan, applause 10:20 Doula 10:22 “That’s not easy!”- Phil 10:30 “That’s a pop star isn’t it? ”- former BBC Radio 1 present Dan Howell 10:40 “It’s a part of the vagina that’s kept secret... until you need to use it.”- Dan whom I love 10:44 “A secret one?”- Phil who though vaginas were already confusing enough 10:50 Belly button popping 10:56 Definition 11:08 “Mother of Mothers”, “Mother of Dragons”, “Khaleesi.” 11:12 “I could be your doula.” Says Phil to Louise as he starts massaging her upper arm. Louise does not want Phil to be her doula. Acknowledges Phil has a *shred* more general knowledge, but thinks Dan is calmer. Phil agrees he wouldn’t stay calm. “It’s crowning!” after one minute. 11:44 “Jaws of destruction”- that’s a nice visual Dan 11:55 Phil would put a towel down if Louise went into labor here. 12:12 “We’d make you a warm bath, light some candles, not scented, cause that would like, be too stimulating (very good Dan). We’d hold your hands, call the ambulance-“ “And then I’d feed you a curry while it arrives.”- Phil, providing good inspiration for mpreg fics. 12:30 “Perineal Massage” bonus round 12:33 “Perineal is yer gooch”- Dan providing the second bit of slang I didn’t know. 12:42 The origin of the four finger and elbow massage we saw from Louise’s vlog. 13:16 Duct tape reinforcing suggestion from Phil. Super glue? No. 13:40 “Lower, lower, lower, lower.”- Dan getting very into it with his tongue. 13:51 “I’m so glad that I’m not having a baby with either of you.”- Louise 13:53 “Sorry.”- Dan “Thanks.”- Phil 13:55 “Although I think you’d be like great dads. (“Thank you.”- Phil) like in a Three Men in a Baby.”- Louise 14:06 “Philippa’s a strong name.”- Phil (I’m getting horrible Philippa video flashbacks) 14:20 Dan is delighted at her boy name choice of Daniel, Phil feels slighted. 14:30 “It’s on the list” Dan mouths with finger quotes. 14:44 The boys can be better friends and offer perineal massages to prevent episiotomies, “help it out, get the scissors”- Phil, “get some curry.”- what Dan is now expecting from Phil. 14:52 “I will be your- doula.” Dan nods so awkwardly proud of himself. 15:05 That smile Phil gives Dan when Louise says “anything else you want promote.” 15:07 “I want to promote their happiness.”- Wholesome Howell

[swearronchanel]

Who let me watch 5.06?

I should be doing an assignment that’s due tomorrow but ya know due tomorrow means do tomorrow. Lol I know I should be ashamed to be a procrastinator but university has ruined me anyway. I’m tired from literally going to one lecture haha, but in any event I’ve been rewatching mad men for the who knows what time but I thought I’d take a break from all that and watch an episode of CtM & @flyingnonny inspired me to do a reaction post so why not? I decided on 5.06 since last Sunday’s episode reminded us of that camping trip 😂😂  here goes nothing.. 

*skips intro bc I’m impatient*

Cute community moment ☺️

TRIXIE😍 slaying my life

Shelagh looks so good too 😍 and Angela melting my heart!

Why is shelagh forever wearing cardigans? I like cardigans every now and then but all the time, really?

Everyone is sitting outside, Trixie is in a sleeveless dress, as is Barbara, so it has to be warm?? take it off Shelagh

She’s still my bby though even if I don’t always agree with her fashion choices

what gross vejo pinching Trixie’s ass? That’s not ok

And Babs too lmao, creepy old man, die

Shelagh saying “hello dear” aw

But this is like the only interaction between Shelagh and Trixie & that does not suffice !!

ALL I WANT IS FOR THEM TO HAVE AN ACTUAL FRIENDSHIP IDC HOW MANY TIMES IVE SAID IT I REALLY Want it😭😭💕💕 my two fav bbys

I HAVE EVEN GIVEN REASONS WHY & I CAN GIVE THEM AGAIN ***        1) Why not?? Shelagh has like no real friends besides her husband and sort of Sister Julienne?                                                 

 2) just please, because I’m asking nicely                                                     3) When Shelagh was Sister Bernadette she was often friendly/ in the gossip and conversation with the nurses & remember that one time Trixie grabbed her to come listen to Jenny’s phone conversation?               

4) Trixie was the only one besides Sister Julienne to visit her in the sanatorium. That has to count for something!                                             5) They’ve both been on the show since day 1 & have known each other the longest (besides the nuns) why wouldn’t they be friends or least actually speak to each other?

Aye this is the lady who’s fake pregnant

Shelagh wearing earrings though >> here for it

Sorry there will be a lot of gushing over Shelagh and Trixie

And also I WANT TRIXIE’S HOOP EARRINGS SO BAD, where can I find them??

And how do I get her clothes and figure and her everything lol?

PHYLLIS ! My champion

“Would it have killed you to sit down for five minutes and eat the whole thing!” I LOVE HER, SHE IS A GEM, A HERO, A BADASS & IM NOT READY FOR SUNDAY. IM GOING TO BAWL WITH AND FOR HER

she deserves the best

I think this is the only time I’ve ever heard Trixie address Shelagh by her first name?? a prob.

They need to interact more 😭💔💕😍 I will stop saying it when I’m dead even then I’ll prob say it

Actually when I think of it no one ever calls Shelagh by her first name besides obviously Patrick? And Sister Julienne

#MoreShelaghAndTheOtherNursesInteracting2k17aka1962

And I need at least two seconds of them dotting on pregnant Shelagh

Helen looks so good like goals

“I threatened to put one man over my knee but that only encouraged him” HA IM DEAD NO KINK SHAME

I think there’s been a similar joke before but fuck it it’s still funny to me

But seriously everyone loves Trixie lol how could you not though?

Hey Pats, it’s been a while

Lol omg Tim in that uniform.. Not the best costume 😂😂

Never seen Whistle Down the Wind

But you see, Tom and Babs making out as usual, I’m not knocking it lol but this is why Sister J told her to chill when they went to South Africa😂

also lowkey jealous bc Jack Ashton is handsome af and that could’ve been me but it’s all good. He and Helen are adorable together and I’m here for it x10000

Omg I forgot this lady got assaulted

Oh shit I just remembered this is the episode where sister MC is attacked FUCK WHY DID I WATCH THIS

she can’t report it bc she’d get arrested for soliciting wtf

But remember Shelagh wore the headbands in like series 3 (so glad she stopped I was not here for it)? They must’ve gave them to Babs lol

I forgot Trixie didn’t tell the nurses about AA yet

But she looks gorgeous as ever, even with her mascara running

Lowkey nauseas looking at all that fish ugh. Funny becuase they put a grocery store that has a fish market on the block up from where I live in NYC and I hate it  

I forgot about Peter lol and he was in an episode this series whoops

LIKE WHERE’S YOUR WIFE LOL, *I know, too busy for this, I don’t think she’d fit in the series anymore anyway*

Sister Mary Cynthia 😰❣️

Lol she doesn’t sing loud enough ??

Sister Julienne is so cute when she smiles but don’t forget she’s a badass

REMEMBER THE AGGRESSIVE JACKET FLAP BC OF THE IRRITATING SISTER URSULA

How did this girl hide her pregnancy though?

And did her brothers just not realize she was pregnant and the mother wasn’t?

Oh jeez my cousin was a colic-y baby and my parents kept him like 3 days a week when I was in high school & it was a nightmare. I didn’t sleep for so long

Dont get me wrong I love babies. But when they scream when I’m trying to sleep, nope. Return to sender.

Shelagh is so excited about camping it’s the purest and most adorable thing 😭😭And I like her shirt  

Shelagh made Tim copy the napkin folding from a magazine, SHE IS A GEM

“We never have serviettes on a weeknight” wtf did they just not use napkins every day? I’m confused Lmaoo. What am I missing here 😂omg that reminds me of one of the times my family and I went on a cruise (2006, hella long time ago already wow?? 11 yrs yikes) and my brother & cousin were late to dinner and lied to my mom & aunt saying they were at a “napkin folding class” & my family deadass believed it up until 2 years ago😂

Shelagh’s accent is so cute. I’ve said that many times but it’s so sweet. But again why do we just have to accept she’s Scottish with no context as to how/why she came to England? Like I’m sure there were convents in Scotland. I dont even care that much I just will forever be curious as to why it seems she had no life before she got married lol? Like they don’t ever bring up the fact she was a nun, but ok maybe she feels awkward talking about it but what about before? 

They’re so excited it’s so precious, protect this family 😂😭💕💕

Sister MJ is fasting lol I should try it😂

Omg another dumb story, I didn’t realize today is Ash Wednesday and was hella confused seeing some people with ash on their forehead 😂😂 I should give up something for lent but idk what, we shall see. My mom gave up carbs last year & I died bc I lived at home and ate what she cooked and almost all my fav foods are carbs😂

Shelagh referred to Patsy as Patsy, I’ve only ever heard her say Nurse Mount??

lol Tim you’re what 14? you know damn well those arent* bullet holes

at least he has some of his innocence still. I didn’t @ 14

Sometimes I forget I’m gonna be 19 this year wtf. I’ve accidentally told people I’m 16 before and had to correct myself 😂😂

Patrick is excited about this holiday, boy you don’t know what’s coming 😂

HE’S GONNA ATTACK THE LADY WITH A BABY I FORGOT THAT TOO WTF

I wanna fight him

Diane’s anemic ? Or her mum is just assuming

SHELAGH IN HER CAMPING OUTFIT!! The hair scarf and trousers !! I’m so here for it 😍😭

I want to see her in another pair!! yes lets get it 1962. Probably not likely this series but hopefully next series!! Ah can’t wait

Shit this series is almost over 💔💔 but omg 1963 gonna be lit as well?!

Like the space race started/orbiting the earth, Kennedy’s assassination .. wait never mind lol I’m thinking of American History moments. but still a lot of it was crazy world news so maybe it’s mentioned?? first bond film came out in'63, petition for Tim to go take Susan whatever from around the corner to see it since we know he liked the novels

Lots of famous films came out in ‘63 so there’s gotta be some reference.

Fun fact: I love pop culture references in period drama bc I’m lame jk I’m majoring in education (to teach history)

Old news but still relevant: Phyllis’s turn on: Rolodex systems 📇

“CRANE, as in the wading bird or industry lifting equipment, whichever you prefer” LOVE U PHYLLIS, YOU CORRECT HIM

PHYLLIS’S FACE WHEN GODFREY SUGGESTS SHE CAME OUT OF RETIREMENT, IM DEAD

“I shall consider retirement when I’m at the appropriate age”  IM LAUGHING SO HARD, FUCK YEA PHYLLIS. I LOVE HER SO MUCH, LINDA BASSET IS ON THE LIST WITH LAURA AND HELEN OF PEOPLE WHO COULD PUCH ME IN THE FACE AND I’D THANK

LOL SHELAGH JUST STANDING AWKWARDLY LISTENING TO THIS CONVERSATION

“Buenos vacaciones”  I NEED MORE PHYLLIS WORKING ON HER SPANISH I LOVE IT, Ella es oro.

lol the roof rack, bet it was Phyllis’s they borrowed when they moved

PHYLLIS’S FACE OF DISGUST WHEN DR GODFREY SMILES AT HER IS ME ALWAYS

LOL THE THE NURSES & SISTER WINIFRED DYING OVER PATRICK’S SHORTS (EVen though sister W “swears she’s not looking”)

I THINK THE SOCKS AND WHITE DAD SANDALS ARE MORE AMUSING 😂😂

Poor Judith💔

It’s a vicious attack Sister J! But you don’t know it yet so I get u

Here comes summer..😂

SETTING UP IN THE POURING RAIN LOL

Shelagh and Angela being adorable !!

Tim and Patrick proud that  they set the tents up & boom it falls 😂 which is symbolic for me taking exams, I think I did well or at least decent on them and then I find out I failed by like 5 points

Nonnatus table scenes <3 😭

”I’ve seen more dangerous marshmallow bunnies“ lmao Pats this is a serious moment I shouldn’t laugh

Shelagh took off her glasses 😉😏 but fr how is Laura Main so perfect

Patrick put scotch in its lit, pass it over😏

Lol Shelagh drinking is a strange thought but I’m so here for it. Nuns can’t drink right? Idk. Imagine her drinking alcohol for the first time and just getting drunk 😂 we know Patrick and Tim are lightweights getting drunk off one beer so I assume shelagh would too😂

Damn it Patrick, you spilled your cup. Furthermore proving you’re a disaster 😭

LMAO SHELAGH’s “WTF” FACE WHEN SHE ASKS PATRICK WHAT HE’S THINKING ABOUT AND HE SAID THE ULCER CLINIC

LIKE C'MON PATRICK YOU KNOW WHERE SHELAGH WAS TRYNA GO WITH THAT😂

“And if you don’t mind my saying so, you’re not exactly Cliff Richards yourself” SHELAGH 😂😂 another great line of hers, love it

I love their playful banter lol we need more of that 😂 but lets be real series 6 has had some of the greatest Shelagh and Patrick moments so I can’t complain 😭😍

Peter and Barbara is such a unusual dynamic haha

“How is chummy?” Wait does Babs even know Chummy? I don’t even remember if they met tbh

But for real Shelagh did you really think Patrick would just forget about work completely ??

Lol Angela crying because she is petrified of squirrels😂😂and Shelagh running to her is so cute.

Why didn’t she just get rid of the *creepy* squirrel nutkin book? it seemed like they still had it in series 6 haha

rice pudding is I think the same as aroz con leche, lol it’s gross sorry

Diane’s water broke oh shit

the Turners all in the tent playing I spy bc it’s raining haha

I went camping for the first and last time this past summer w/ my sister in laws & her friends, it was awful 😂😂 I got like 100 mosquito bites that became welts, i literally slept in the car the second night & it was mid July fairly south of east coast aka it was humid and sticky af , there were wild horses that walked around..Thank God they brought alcohol cause it was a nightmare I don’t wanna remember 😂😂

ANGELA IS SO CUTE UGH & ANOTHER GREAT SHELAGH FACE😂

lol yes go to a hotel, should’ve done that from the get

So what exactly does Fred run? some civil defense thing?

She’s in labor and can’t even scream omg, I’m screaming

“They are often incorrect in their opinion” Sister MJ is a gem. I want someone to look at me the way Sister MJ looks at cake and the television

Phyllis yelling at Dr Godfrey😂

PATS’S FACE OF DISGUST IS ALSO ME

HOW DO THESE WOMEN GIVE BIRTH STANDING/SITTING UP?? AHHHH

There you are Beatrix, it’s been a while

Patsy being suspicious with the card game line lol. but when is Trixie going to find out about Patsy and Delia?

SHE RIPPED OUT HER WOMB?! WTF OMG IM SCREAMING

THIS HURTS TO WATCH AHH

Trixie and Sister MC to the rescue but omg this is wild I forgot

Fred wtf you can’t be sneaking up like that

DONT LEAVE SISTER MC ALONE TRIXIE

NOO, IM NOT PREPARED FOR THIS

“There are flowers on the table, and feathers in these pillows, that’s all the nature I need to get back to” I feel you Patrick lol, I like nature but not camping

Lol remember Shelagh’s old nightgown? ah I don’t miss it. The bri nylon is such a look™ & obviously has magically powers i.e this miraculous conception.

“..or they’ve been mulled to death by squirrels” IM DEAD HAHA THAT WAS A GOOD DAD JOKE, NICE ONE PATRICK

aw the baby is so precious

Why is the operating room/being in surgery called theatre in the U.K.?? and why is the doctor’s office/practice called the surgery? so many questions from a confused American..

Sister MC by the docks😭💔 she was just chillin with God and THIS HORRIBLE MAN RUINS EVERYTHING WTF UGH

Oh no

SISTER MC JUST UNCONSCIOUS ON THE DOCKS WTF IM CRYING WHY WOULD HURT HER

Patrick even if you were there she wouldn’t have called you, don’t blame urself

it’s not your arrogance sister MC!!

“don’t you even say the word fault, do you hear me, I won’t allow it” 😭💔 it’s NOT your fault sister MC 😰

I forgot how upset/hurt this episode makes me

“The worst thing is that I actually stopped to pray…” my heart hurts

You can’t even blame her for being angry😪

Judith you’re not a bad mother!! This isn’t your fault either

Sister MJ IN THE BATHROOM WITH HER😢😢💔💔 I’m c r y i n

I SAID PROTECT THEM AT ALL COSTS WHY DID THEY HURT ME LIKE THIS

Everyone so quiet at the table..

ILL FOREVER BE PROUD OF HOW BRAVE SISTER MC IS FOR SPEAKING UP FOR HER AND THE OTHER VICTIMS💖😭💔

Russian prison tats??

“I thought at first it was a test of faith, but it was a test of strength. I can bear more than I ever though I could and I can bear it for others because my strength is a gift, from him..” brb sobbing

I feel so bad for Mrs Hills bc I understand she thought she was doing the right thing and was trying to protect her daughter from the stigma & judgment from having a baby born outta wedlock 😭

But damn she almost killed her & now she can’t have any more kids

“I’m a mum, mum” Aw

lol I want children (obviously not anytime soon) but if I do Ima be shook for the rest of my life. Like my kids will  be like grown & I’ll still wake up like wtf I had them?  Lmaoo

SHELAGH’S GREY DRESS >>😍

Patrick jumping on the bed was cute lol

The Turners being cute and an unrealistically perfect family together as usual

Trixie 😍off to her AA💕

“I think it’s about time I came clean..”

Im so proud of her omg. She’s come so far in 6 series 😭💖💖😭

And Patsy and Delia are supportive yess👏🏼

“New truths were being spoken at Nonnatus house, but some remained concealed. While one voice rose, striving to erase its agony in song.”

Thanks Vanessa,, The End 😭

[oscopelabs]

Personality Crisis: The Radical Fluidity of Todd Haynes’ ‘Velvet Goldmine’ by Judy Berman

[This month, Musings pays homage to Produced and Abandoned: The Best Films You’ve Never Seen, a review anthology from the National Society of Film Critics that championed studio orphans from the ‘70s and ‘80s. In the days before the Internet, young cinephiles like myself relied on reference books and anthologies to lead us to film we might not have discovered otherwise. Released in 1990, Produced and Abandoned was a foundational piece of work, introducing me to such wonders as Cutter’s Way, Lost in America, High Tide, Choose Me, Housekeeping, and Fat City. (You can find the full list of entries here.) Over the next four weeks, Musings will offer its own selection of tarnished gems, in the hope they’ll get a second look. Or, more likely, a first. —Scott Tobias, editor.]

Like the glam rockers it gazes upon through the smoke-clouded lens of memory, Velvet Goldmine is most beautiful when it descends into chaos.

Stolen, the way great artists do, from Citizen Kane, the skeleton of Todd Haynes’ 1998 film is a chain of interlocking reminiscences of Brian Slade (Jonathan Rhys Meyers), a David Bowie-like glam rocker who fakes his own onstage death in the mid-’70s. A decade later—in that most dystopic of years, 1984—his ex-wife Mandy (Toni Collette) and former manager Cecil (Michael Feast) relate their bitter tales of betrayal to a journalist (Christian Bale) whose assignment has him reluctantly reliving his own teenage sexual awakening under the influence of Brian’s music. Between the interviews, musical numbers, and onscreen epigrams, there’s also a mysterious female narrator who sometimes surfaces, like a teacher reading a subversive storybook, with dreamy exposition that reaches back a century to invoke glam’s patron saint, Oscar Wilde.

The film climaxes with a propulsive sequence of scenes that are exhilarating precisely because they merge all of these points of view, subjective and omniscient, into one collective fantasy. Brian and his new conquest, the Iggy Pop/Lou Reed composite Curt Wild (Ewan McGregor), ride mini spaceships at a carnival to Reed’s “Satellite of Love.” Two random schoolgirls, their faces obscured, act out a love scene between a Curt doll and a Brian doll. In a posh hotel lobby, Brian’s entourage, styled like Old Hollywood starlets on the Weimar Germany set of a fin-de-siècle period film, recites pilfered sound bites about art. Then Brian and Curt are kissing on a circus stage, surrounded by old men in suits. They play Brian Eno’s “Baby’s on Fire” as Haynes cuts between the performance, an orgy in their hotel suite, and Bale’s hapless, young Arthur Stuart masturbating over a newspaper photo of Brian fellating Curt’s guitar. Stripped of narration—not to mention narrative—the film seems to be running on its own amorous fumes, its story fragmenting into a heap of glittering images as it hurtles from set piece to set piece.

Visual pleasure aside, it’s a perfect way of translating into cinematic language the argument that underlies Haynes’ script—that glam’s revelations about the radical fluidity of human identity go far beyond sex and gender. As the apotheosis of teen pop audiences’ thirst for outsize personae, fictional characters like Ziggy Stardust (who Velvet Goldmine further fictionalizes as Slade’s alter ego, Maxwell Demon) melded the symbiotic identities of artist and fan into a single, tantalizing vision of hedonism and transgression. Kids imitated idols they didn’t quite recognize as pure manifestations of their own inchoate desires. Musician and fan became each other’s mirror, and both could become entirely new people simply by changing costumes or names.

But it’s pretty much impossible to imagine Velvet Goldmine’s distributor and co-producer, Harvey Weinstein, appreciating this as he watched the film for the first time—or seeing anything in it, really, besides an expensive mess.

Haynes and his loyal producing partner, Killer Films head Christine Vachon, had already been through hell with Velvet Goldmine by the time they delivered a cut to Miramax. Bowie had refused Haynes’ repeated requests for permission to use six Ziggy-era songs in the film, claiming that he had a glam movie of his own in the works. And in a production diary that appears in her book Shooting to Kill, Vachon points out one unique challenge of making a film about queer male sexuality: “The MPAA seems to have a number of double standards. Naked females get R ratings, but pickle shots tend to get NC-17s. Our Miramax contract obligates us to an R.” She also mentions that an investor pulled $1 million of funding just weeks before filming.

The shoot was even more harrowing than the two veteran indie filmmakers could’ve predicted. As they fell behind schedule, a production executive started nagging Vachon to make cuts. “Todd is miserable,” she wrote in her diary the night before they wrapped. “He says that making movies this way is awful and he doesn’t want to do it.” In an interview that accompanies the published screenplay for Velvet Goldmine, Oren Moverman asks Haynes, “Was the making of the film joyful for you?” “I’m afraid not,” he replies. “We were trying very hard to cut scenes while shooting, knowing that we were behind and we didn’t have the money for the overloaded schedule. But there was hardly a scene we could cut without losing essential narrative information.” It’s remarkable that he managed to capture 123 usable minutes’ worth of meticulously art-directed ‘70s excess (and ‘80s bleakness) in just nine weeks, under so much external pressure, on a budget of $7 million.

When the film finally reached Harvey Scissorhands, after months of editing, Weinstein told Haynes it was too long and the structure didn’t work. “He made suggestions that I didn’t follow, and then he just buried it,” the director told Down and Dirty Pictures author Peter Biskind. What happened next comes straight from the Weinstein playbook: “Even afterward,” Haynes remembered, “they threw out a DVD, they didn’t ask for a director commentary, my name wasn’t on the cover of it, it was buried in the minuscule billing block. He can’t even do the really small things that don’t cost anything—he never shows any respect.” (That Haynes never found a distributor he preferred to Weinstein, with whom he reunited for I’m Not There and Carol, speaks volumes about the way Hollywood treats ambitious filmmakers.)

After it failed to blow audiences away at the 1998 Cannes Film Festival, Miramax effectively dumped Velvet Goldmine. It debuted on just 85 screens that November, ultimately grossing about $1 million stateside. Its ridiculous theatrical trailer might well be a glimpse at the movie Weinstein was expecting: a “magical trip back to the ‘70s” with 100% more murder mystery and 100% less gay sex.

Critics were just as ambivalent about the film as festival audiences. While forward-thinking reviewers wanted to love it for its visual beauty and openly queer aesthetic, many lamented that its plot was slight and its characters hollow. David Ansen of Newsweek complained that “Haynes is unwilling to get too close to his characters. Slade, in particular, is a blank”—failing to see that Brian is a cypher by design. Like the Barbie-doll Karen Carpenter of Haynes’ debut feature, Superstar, and the fragments of Bob Dylan diffused across I’m Not There, Velvet Goldmine’s Bowie is less a portrait of the real person than a screen on which fans project their own fantasies about him.

At The Nation, Stuart Klawans rightly identified Arthur, not Brian, as the film’s protagonist. But he also wondered why he grows up to be such an unhappy adult. “Why is Haynes so tough on Arthur?” Klawans wanted to know. “Why, through the character, is he so tough on himself? It’s apparent everywhere in Velvet Goldmine that Haynes, like Arthur, loves Glitter Rock. He, too, fell for a mass-marketed product, which was no more likely than Mr. Clean to carry out a world-transforming promise. But instead of honoring the truth of his enthusiasm, so that he might look back on its object with a smile and a sigh…Haynes does penance for being a sap.”

Others found the film’s collage of ideas and allusions cumbersome. “Velvet Goldmine is weighed down with self-important messages, but it’s also splashily opulent,” Stephanie Zacharek wrote at Salon. “It’s as if Todd Haynes had plunged his hand into a pile of clothes at a jumble sale and come out with a handful that was half velvet finery, half polyester rejectables.”

All of these reactions make sense, coming from adult critics who had probably seen the film just once, after reading months’ worth of reports about its troubled birth, in the sterile environment of a press screening. But what’s clear from a distance of nearly two decades, during which Velvet Goldmine has become a low-key cult classic, is that few films are so poorly suited to be judged on the basis of a single dispassionate viewing. If you’re looking for tight plotting and complex characters, you’re not going to find them in this mixtape of music videos, aphorisms, and waking dream sequences. There is no actual murder mystery, and Arthur’s investigation into Slade’s disappearance isn’t a source of suspense so much as an excuse to keep contrasting an incandescent past with a dull, gray present.

I’m lucky enough to have first encountered Velvet Goldmine under what turned out to be ideal circumstances: at age 15, on premium cable, late enough at night that it easily bypassed my rational mind en route to my adolescent subconscious. I had no idea how many details it cribbed from the biographies of Bowie and his contemporaries, or how much of the dialogue was quoted from their (and their heroes’) most memorable utterances. I bought the soundtrack without realizing that it put ‘70s originals side-by-side with contemporary covers and new songs by younger bands like Pulp and Shudder to Think in yet another glam pastiche. It wouldn’t have occurred to me to find the 1984 scenes unsatisfying because I got so instantly immersed in the ‘70s spectacles that they barely existed for me.

Not that the film only works on an emotional level. Haynes’ ideas about fandom, politics, sexuality, and identity become even more profound once you can see the organizing principle behind what might initially seem like a jumble of indulgent images. Like the death hoax Brian Slade uses to escape a fantasy life that’s grown too real for comfort, Velvet Goldmine’s loose plot is classic misdirection, obscuring a tight and purposeful structure that delays the resolution of the ‘80s storyline until it’s primed you to feel the loss of the liberated ‘70s viscerally. But you’ll never get that far into dissecting the film if you don’t fall in love with it at first viewing. And that’s easiest to do when you’re as impressionable as young Arthur, who watches Brian Slade flaunt his queerness in a televised press conference and imagines himself shouting to his parents, “That is me!”  

Revisit it as you grow older, though, and you might discover that the disillusioned 30-something characters now feel as rich as their idealistic former selves. Velvet Goldmine is often called a gay film, but that obscures the universal resonance of its queer coming-of-age narrative. Better to think of it as a bisexual film that uses non-binary sexuality as a metaphor for the boundless possibilities of youth—the promise of a future constrained only by the limits of one’s own ambitions and appetites. Its characters can’t achieve permanent liberation by “coming out”; to maintain lifestyles that match their desires, they would have to reject the monogamy that defines adulthood for most people. Particularly amid the AIDS crisis of the 1980s, which haunts the film’s dreary present on a purely subtextual level, it’s obvious why they (like the real glam rockers they’re modeled after) retreat from the liberated lives they staked out for themselves.

But you don’t need to buy in to the incendiary claim Brian makes at his press conference, that everyone is bisexual, to see how this storyline reflects the many kinds of disappointments that await most starry-eyed fans in adulthood. Klawans’ objection to Haynes’ treatment of Arthur feels naive because it assumes people should be able to peacefully coexist with their shattered dreams. Why shouldn’t he feel bitter about having joined a sexual revolution that didn’t, finally, set him free? “It gets better” for Arthur when he leaves his homophobic family to move in with a latter-day glam act in London, but sometime after he hooks up with an unmoored Curt Wild at a tribute concert called the Death of Glitter, “it” just gets boring as the world gets worse.

And the world really does sometimes get worse, though audiences in the relatively peaceful, prosperous late ‘90s might have forgotten about that. Watching Velvet Goldmine for perhaps the 25th time, two weeks before Donald Trump’s inauguration, at the end of an era that has brought unprecedented freedom of sexual and gender expression, I was struck by how vividly Haynes captures a culture’s flight from progress, and how rare it is to see that kind of transition depicted on film. His argument about fluidity turns out to be even more potent when applied to societies than individuals (or, at least, it seems that way in 2017). Our capacity for transformation may be infinite, but that doesn’t mean those changes are always for the best.

[missppxtts-a]

About you: 11, 12,13,23,33,34, 39,41,45 Masturbation: 1, 2, 3, 8, 9, 14, 23, 38, 39 Porn and Sex industry: 1, 5 - 25, 28 Sex: 5, 6, 14 - 18, 36, 38, 60, 61, 62, 72, 73, 82, 85, 94, 98, 101, 102 Toys: 1 - 7 Fetishes: 1 - 5 This or that: 1, 4, 11, 19, 22, 23, 26, 39, 43, 44, 55, 59, 60, 75, 81, 83, 93 (there you go. You asked for it and Tony wants to know all the stuff)

The Most Comprehensive NSFW Ask Around @snarkofstark​ ⚜(accepting)

❛ First of all, goddammit stop being so curious, Tony!! ❜

About You

Explain your ultimate fantasy.

It’s starts out soft and loving. Tender touches, soft kisses and sweet love-making. However, it doesn’t stay like this the whole time but it builds up to a rough. Changing positions, I’m bend over first, taken roughly with some spanking - just before it’s my turn to be in control. With me on top I start with some teasing just until my partner can’t bear it anymore. It’s a rather long session but definitely worth it.

What are your turn-ons?

Dominance, but not in abusive way but rather in a sexy and sensual way. Something less sexual: intelligence, assertiveness, a certain charm… I like to be impressed in a different manner.

What are your turn-offs?

(see more in the other categories…) Try to have control over me without my permission and I’m out. Disrespect, heavily kinky stuff…

What was your latest sex dream about?

That was a rather pleasant one. Tony and I were at the beach, of course we were alone, and decided to go for a swim. So, one thing led to another and we ended up having sex at the beach. Simple as that.

Are you open about your sex-life andsexuality?

I prefer to keep things to myself. Not everyone needs to know every detail about me. I value my privacy a lot.

Do you orgasm easily?

 Usually, I don’t. However, if I have the right partner and it is under certain circumstances, it can be very easy.

Do you shave your pubic hair?

Notcompletely, just to bring some form into it and keeping it neat.

Do you prefer clean shaven or unkept?

I prefer something in between.

Whats your favorite lingerie outfit?

 Ivery much prefer to keep it simple, preferably black. (take a look)

Masturbation

Do you masturbate?

Sometimes,yes. Doesn’t everyone?

How old were you when you firstmasturbated?

I think it was aroundthe age of 16 or something? I don’t really remember.

How often do you masturbate?

Notthat often. Basically because I’m in a stable relationship and don’t need to do it that often

Have you walked in on or caught someonemasturbating?

Yes…more than once. Back then I would have preferred not to see it!

Have someone ever walked in on or caughtyou masturbating?

No,no one ever did. That would have been so embarrassing!

Are you loud or quiet when you masturbate?

It dependson the situation, but usually I tryto keep it quiet.

Whats your most embarrassing masturbationstory?

And if I don’t have an embarrassing masturbation story of my own? The most embarrassing thing for me had been walking in on Tony masturbating - no one should see their boss like that.

Describe a typical masturbation session.

I create a nice atmosphere for myself, like I would with a partner. Starting of with some light touches, I start with my breasts, slowly making my way to the southern regions. I like to tease myself before getting to the actual act and in the end….

How often do you usually last?

… it last for aroundten to fifteen minutes I would say - depending on how much time I take.

Porn & Sex Industry

Do you watch porn?

Notexactly…I’ve never really been into it.

How do you feel about hentai (Anime Porn)?

Urgh,no. Why would someone watch anime porn?!

How do you feel about gang-bang porn?

Nope,that’s very much a turn-off.

How do you feel about cumshot porn?

It’sokay…

How do you feel about lesbian porn?

Oneof the few things that I’m fine with.

How do you feel about amateur porn?

It’sfunny to watch them try… and fail more often than not.

How do you feel aboutcuckold/cuckqueen/swinging porn?

Okayno, that’s a no-go.

How do you feel about threesome porn?

I’mnot much a fan of it… but it’s still better than most of the stuff above.

How do you feel about teen porn?

Justno. Definitely no.

How do you feel about Japanese/Asian porn?

Somehowthis always reminds me of Anime Porn…

How do you feel about mature porn?

 I’mfine with that one.

How do you feel about ebony porn?

Goodfor them.

How do you feel about bondage porn?

Thiscan be really interesting.

How do you feel about masturbation/soloporn?

Idon’t know, actually I think it’s weird.

How do you feel aboutrough/violent/humiliating porn?

I’mreally not a fan of this one. I mean, I’m okay with rough sex but… no.

How do you feel about BBW porn?

Not really my thing but well.. others can enjoy it!

How do you feel about orgy/party porn?

No.You should get it by now.

How do you feel about trans/shemale porn?

Ifeel really uncomfortable with shemale porn. This is just a big trigger for me.

How do you feel about POV porn?

That’sreally okay with me.

How do you feel about blowjob porn?

I’mconflicted right here.

How do you feel about bukkake?

Goddammitno.

How do you feel about extreme porn?

…I said something like that before. What was it? Not much of a fan.

Has a partner ever used porn to show youwhat they like/want?

Once.Can’t say it was a pleasant experience.

Sex

How many sexual partners have you had?

I had four. This wasn’texactly my priority.

Who was your best sex partner?

That self-proclaimedplayboy slash idiot the whole world knows and the majority of women already slept with.

Do you like dirty talking?

If it’s done right,very much so.

Do you like being called names?

Depends on the names.

Do you like being called obscene names? (Bitch/Slut/Whore/Sissy/etc)

Not really… Badexperiences with that one.

Are you loud or quiet in bed?

I’m usually ratherloud. Then again it depends on my partner.

Whats your favorite position?

I’m a fan of theclassic one, but I also love to be on top. Actually, I’m open to try outdifferent things.

Are you on birth control?

Right now? Yep.

Have you ever faked an orgasm? Describe the experience(s).

Yeah…Honey, I’m still sorry about it. I didn’t want to hurt you… Also with my ex… it was better than telling him I didn’t like it.

Has someone ever “titty-fucked” your breasts?

Once. My ever soterrible ex begged until I agreed to it.

Do you prefer your partner to be vocal/moan loudly?

If it’s notexaggerated, let them be vocal.

Do you enjoy having your nipples played with?

Very much so.

Would you like to have a threesome?

Nope. Had one once andit was terrible.

Who would you like to have a threesome with?

You know this makes nosense now that I already said no to a threesome.

Do you like cum or is it gross?

Depends on where itgoes.

Have you ever had sex while on a period/with someone on a period?

Nope. And that willprobably never happen.

Is it gay for a man to enjoy anal stimulation from a woman?

Why should that be gay?I get that a man has his needs.

Do you prefer sex with a man or with a woman?

I prefer it with menbut it’s nice with women too.

Have you ever gotten cum in your eye?

Thank god, no!

Has anyone ever cum inside you on accident? How did you feel about that?

Yep… my first seriousboyfriend. It was so gross given the situation, and I was really uncomfortable…

Toys

Have you ever bought a sex toy?

I don’t have to.People buy them for me.

What is the last sex toy you bought?

Something Tony broughtor build by himself.

What sex toy do you currently want?

Ican’t really think of one now.

Would you let someone buy you a sex toy?

Ikeep saying no to it but my friends do it anyway to tease me…

How many toys do you own?

Tellme Tony, how many toys do I own by now?

What kind of toys do you own?

Vibrators/Dildos,and Tony please stop making me more…

What is your favorite toy?

CanI say the real thing is my favorite toy??

Fetishes

What fetishes do you have?

Dom/sub, but not in a really intense way. I’m not exactly experienced with this category…

What is your favorite fetish?

See my previous answer please.

Have you indulged in all your fetishes?

Yep.

What fetishes are you yet to experience?

All that I’d be willing to try?

Are there any fetishes you don’t have yet, but may beinterested in?

Honestly, I have no idea, I’d be open to try whatever my partner comes up with…. or at least most of it.

This or That

Vaginal or Anal

Vaginal

Handjob or Oral

Oral

Spit or Swallow

Spit

Facial or Creampie

Creampie

Circumcised orUncircumcised

Circumcised (not biased noooo)

Boxers or Briefs

Slighttendency towards boxers.

Vaginal or Clitoral Orgasm

Vaginal Orgasm

Real Cock or Sex Toy Cock

Realcock, always.

Dirty Talk or Loud Moaning

Dirty Talk

Faked Orgasm or Premature Ejaculation

Prematureejaculation

Length or Girth

A good mix of both?

Beard or Shaven

Beard.

Pubic Hair or None

Some pubichair

Hair Pulling or Spanking

Spanking

Giving Head or Receiving Head

Receiving head

Pussy and Anal Penetration or Ass and MouthPenetration

Pussyand anal

Veiny Dick or Curved Dick

Curved.

[gmuffinhead]

what really gets to me on such a deep level is the way men react to periods.

"you're overrating" "its not that bad" "i doubt it hurts that much" "you're just using it as an excuse"

how do you sit down and think, yeah all women collectively are lying about this very real, very painful and very natural thing.

i hate it when people speak about experiences they don't and will never fucking understand and then act as if they know everything. Like at least do some research, and if you did you wouldn't be brainless enough to go telling women that they are lying or dramatic.

When I was in high school, the amount of male teachers called me (and friends of mine) a liar and told me I'm just trying to find excuses to miss class, when all i asked was the go to the bathroom because i was on my period. fucking stupid. or refused to let me (or friends) go to the bathroom because our periods werent "emergencies" and could wait. oh how i wanted to punch so many of my teachers and really give them the experience of bleeding out in class with a fear that others will see, knowing you cant stand up or move and if you did you might leak or worse. how i wish everyman that talks crap about periods get to experience the cramps and headaches and overwhelming feelings to k*ll yourself, lying in bed late at night or sitting on the cold bathroom floor crying wishing that you had a different body. how i just wish they got to experience the overwhelming dread when you're at school and realise you've stained your skirt or pants. i just wish i could give assholes my period for them to suffer with.

another kicker is older men, like fathers, grandfathers, uncles or EVEN FEMALE FAMILY MEMBERS, teaching young children that periods are a hush topic, that you shouldn't say it outloud or in public, that its taboo to talk about or its a secretive thing. its nit, it never should have to be a secret that woman go through it. its natural, we shouldn't have to fucking hide it from family just because they think its 'gross.'

fuck you, ill fucking show you gross you fucking cowardly old man.

my sister, my 13 year old sister, now thinks that periods are gross and shouldn't be spoken about because our step father refuses to acknowledge it and makes ugly faces and sounds when we bring it up. "ew to much information!" "gross, keep it to yourself" "im eating!" keep up that attitude and ill fucking have my period in your food bitch. my sister, when talking to me or my mum in reference to her period will say "its my lady days" "its red week" "im on my lady thing" theres no need for the fucking censorship, its natural and especially around family or others who experience periods, it shouldn't be censored.

its so sad to see. its so sad that when at my high school office, they hand out pads in envelopes (which i think is WAY more obvious) because they think its embarrassing, teaching the girls and boys a like that periods are embarrassing when they arent. little girls are taught their periods are gross, embarrassing, something to censor, when its completely normal and natural.

i just hate the way people who experience periods are sometimes treated by (mostly but of course not all or just) middle aged men.

and of course when i say woman, i dont just mean woman.

trans men, non-binary individuals and many other genders can menstruate as well. but im generalising, using the most common example. of course its not just men that do or say things like this, many women and other genders say similar things, but it's mostly men.

im just really upset and in the feels right now and thats okay. its okay to have periods, its okay to be angry and upset at the world and its okay to yell at men who think they know better.

when a teacher refuses you the bathroom, (for many reasons, not just because of your period) its okay to leave and go anyway. or piss on the floor, it teaches a lesson, but probably wont sit well with the cleaners </3

when someone tells you you're overdramatic or overreacting, show them what overdramatic and overreacting is, make it worse and make it their problem.

when someone calls you a liar, kick them or something, i dont really have a reasonable comeback for this one, but violence might be the answer if they keep up their stupidity.

when someone trys to censor you, fight back harder, make it impossible to censor you.

its okay to stand up for yourself.

im actually like so angry and upset and mad and i need more words to describe what i am feeling, but overwhelmed and an intense passion to want to punch every man i see is a good enough description for now.