#preferably the men that say periods are gross or fake

[gmuffinhead]

im actually like so angry and upset and mad and i need more words to describe what i am feeling, but overwhelmed and an intense passion to want to punch every man i see is a good enough description for now.

[1kook]

dreamy

—pjm x (f) reader

summary; You try to not let it get to you, but Jimin is so cool and you want him to be your boyfriend so bad. warnings; ANGST lol, fwb, reader is very :(( rating; mature (18+) bc tiny smut lol  misc; small smut scene, a happy ending <3 wc; 2.5k

notes; i have to post on #JIMIN’s bday or else i cannot live with myself anyway here’s me trying to fit an entire novella plot line in less than 5k words clap for me except maybe don't bc its not proofread anyway hbd jimin <3

Jimin is a nice guy, but you doubt he’d make a nice boyfriend. He fucks you hard and fast, just as you like, but hardly goes out of his way to sprinkle in any other requests. He’s got a one track mind, doesn’t dwell too long on what you say or how you’re feeling. Doesn’t matter because he’s just supposed to be a fuck buddy, the hot guy you met at a party, so you don’t let it phase you. But, well. Jimin is dreamy.

Sometimes he holds your hand while he eats you out and it sends your thoughts into a frenzy, makes your heart pound a little too fast to brush it off as just arousal. He’s got this gorgeous smile, plush lips framing pearly teeth, and when he flashes it your way, it makes your knees weak. Tells you you’re pretty when he picks you up from class, always holds your hand on the way to his place for your routine fuck. Cute and nice like an angel, but just like an angel, he hardly gives a shit about anyone’s feelings but his own.

He laughs when you ask him to hang out that weekend.

“What, like a date?��� he snorts, bare chest glistening from his post-fuck exertion. You're pressed against his side now, circling his pretty brown nipple with your finger. “That’s corny.”

You try to not let it get to you, but Jimin is so cool and you want him to be your boyfriend so bad. “Yeah, silly right,” you murmur, ear pressed to his heart. It’s calming and soothing, a slow thrum that contrasts with your own racing heart.

He’s not one for dates or for romantic things like that. But neither is he some player, a cheater, a two-timer. You can count the number of times he’s slept with someone who wasn’t you in your weird fuck buddy relationship, and all four of those had been when you first started sleeping together and only when you had been out of town. You’re no saint either, so you try to understand. He was just horny, liked getting his dick wet, and sometimes he couldn’t wait for you. Understandable, you tell yourself, but your heart hurts a little bit when he begins snoring without really answering your question.

See the thing is, you really like Jimin. It’s been a little over a year now since you’ve met, so you’ve had plenty of time to learn all about him. He doesn’t like pancakes for breakfast, prefers them for lunch actually, and laughs when you tell him that’s weird. He’s got this really dorky laugh, something between a bell and a whistle— it depends on the situation. Sometimes, Jimin likes when you play with his hair, and other times he doesn’t. He’s a sweet boy, you know he is, so why won’t he settle down?

You hate to attribute it to some past trauma, some “my girlfriend broke my heart when I was seventeen” mess, but the more time that passes you begin to believe it’s true. Jimin was a tough nut to crack, and the longer this drags on, the longer he ignores your feelings, you begin to doubt you will ever see them fulfilled.

Maybe you should end this now before it’s too late.

You don’t stay for breakfast the next morning, simply kiss him goodbye at the door like always. He’s older than you, about two years, so he doesn’t go to school anymore, just chills at home all weekend. “I’ll see you soon?” he grins, low-lidded eyes tracking the movement of your mouth as you bid him adieu. You never give him a solid response, figure a guy like Jimin will forget about you soon enough.

Then, suddenly, it’s been two weeks and he doesn’t reach out. Yeah it hurts, but it’s better than having confessed to him and losing him all at once. You’d rather this ending than the one where he terribly rejects you, breaks your heart into a million pieces, and throws you away. Still, it hurts.

Jimin was so cool. He was smart and confident, had a snappy sort of attitude that he liked to use now and then. He could be mean in bed, lick your cunt until you cried and call you a stupid girl when he wanted to. But that same tongue had snapped at a guy who was trying to pressure you into bed with him at a party. That first night you met, where you had sillily followed him home after his dashing intervention, you had thought it would be nothing more. Just a fling, just a fuck.

But then he was in your bed and in your head, twinkling eyes and cocky grin trailing after you everyday. He was so pretty and so suave, made you feel good even when he was being mean. But you suppose most cocky men like Jimin are like that. They know they don’t disappoint, even when they’re not really trying.

Jimin doesn’t call or text. You don’t see his car pull up outside your campus anymore. He’s gone and that’s that. You cry a little (see: a lot) and pretend you’re over him. You definitely don’t think about his soft laughter or his hands on your chest. Nope.

So that ends.

Or so you think.

Your friends say you’re mopey and sad, too down for someone who wasn’t even your boyfriend. It’s true, which sucks, but they honor your admittance by taking you out to a bar that night. It’s supposed to be chill and relaxing, just some drinks with the girls to soothe your aching heart. But the name of the bar reminds you of something, of someone you can’t reach anymore, and you don’t even know why. You’ve never been here before, never even knew this place existed. But everything about it brings you back to Jimin, like you’re in his space now, and you’re unsure why.

It reminds you of his laugh, his smile, to the point you swear you can hear it, right beside you, down the bar, to your left—

He waves.

There’s this look he used to give you every time he picked you up from your last class, this mix between adoration and lust that made your skin tingle with excitement. It’s not there now, in fact, it’s replaced with the complete opposite. It’s, like, the meanest look he can muster, something akin to a scowl. He smiles, but it’s so plastic-y and fake, it makes your head hurt. He’s so obviously unimpressed with you, probably because you ghosted him before he could ghost you. Maybe his pride is hurt and looking at you grosses him out. Maybe he just hates you.

Either way, eleven pm rolls around and you’re crying in the bathroom. Your friends are out on the floor having fun and singing karaoke. They think you’ve gone inside because you got your period, because that’s what you’ve told them. You don’t know how to explain that your ex who isn’t really your ex is out there looking at you like you’re a piece of gum stuck under his shoe. They’ve never even met Jimin. Why? Because he wasn’t your boyfriend. Who meets their friend’s fuck buddy? No one.

You sniffle, press a balled up tissue against your eyes in a feeble attempt to save your makeup. The bar isn’t that small, but neither is it huge. There’s only a few bathrooms in the back, and you’ve been hogging one of them for some time now. Someone knocks on the door, and you don’t even get the chance to ward them off before the crappy knob jingles and the door bursts open.

“Come on,” he grumbles, “you’re not the only one who’s gotta piss—“

He pauses, meets your eye through the mirror in surprise. “I’m sorry,” you blubber, hurriedly washing your hands in an effort to avoid his gaze. Jimin lingers at the door, which has long since fallen shut, and watches you with the eyes of a hawk. Your hands tremble and shake, fumble over the towel dispenser three times before you’re hastily making your escape. “Sorry,” you mutter again, head downcast as you move around him for the door.

Just as it cracks open, the music from outside filtering in, he slams it shut with a flat palm. You flinch, close in on yourself as he steps behind you. “What’re you doing here, doll?” he murmurs, deep yet careful. Tentative. “You don’t like bars.”

You know you don’t like bars. You didn’t know he knew that. “I’m with some friends,” you explain, jump when a hand touches your shoulder. “I— I’ll leave soon.”

A second attempt for the door is thwarted by Jimin. “Don’t,” he startles, breath heavy against your ear. “Don’t leave again…” he sighs, forehead against your shoulder. And then, quietly, “why did you leave me?”

Your heart syncs up with the music outside, thunders in your ears as you purse your lips. You don’t want to talk about it now, don’t want to confess to these emotions that drown you. Especially not when he’ll never understand nor will he ever care. It’s best to leave it as is, you convince yourself, slowly shrugging him off.

“We don’t want the same things,” you reply, eyes burning with the need to cry like a baby. But it’ll weaken your argument, make you look like the sentimental girl you know he won’t like. “It wouldn’t work anyway.”

The hand on your shoulder jerks you around, makes a gasp catch in your throat when he crowds you against the door. He’s got that same glare on from before, the one he had sent you across the bar earlier, and it makes your lower lip tremble when it’s this close. “You never asked me what I wanted,” he hisses.

It is then that you realize it isn't anger or disgust, but frustration that paints his features. It’s pure, unadulterated confusion and distress on his pretty face, furrowed brows and narrowed eyes pointed your way. You don’t know what it means, don’t know what he wants. “I,” you choke, weakly covering your face with your hand before he can see you crumble. “I just wanted you.”

Jimin deflates, steps closer until his body is pressed against yours, hands on your shoulders. “And you have me, doll,” he murmurs, bumps his nose against yours. “Always have.”

You shake your head, choke on a sob that bubbles up your throat. “No, not like that,” you stress, losing yourself in the emotions you spent so much time bottling up. “I wanted more.”

Jimin shushes you, guides your head into the crook of his neck where you paint his skin in dark mascara tears. “Is this about the date?” he sighs, patting your head gently.

“It’s more than just the date,” you cry, fists curling into the material of his shirt until it rumples beyond repair. He doesn’t understand.

Jimin nods, let’s you cry and sob until you’re feeling better and someone else is pounding at the door, yelling at you two to get a proper room. You don’t want a room, you only want his heart. 

He takes you home again, helps you out of your shoes at the door because you’re still sensitive and quiver like a leaf when you walk. His bedroom is familiar, smells like him and his detergent. You miss it so much, want to savor it once more. Something in your gut says this is the last time, this is just Jimin getting one last fuck out of you before he really abandons you.

So you cry when he sits down on the edge of the bed. He hasn’t even said anything, hasn’t even taken his socks off yet, but you’re already a mess.

And of course he’s there to catch you, tugs you between his legs to look up at you as if you’ve hung the stars in the sky. “Don’t cry,” he whispers, reaching up to brush away your tears. But it’s not your fault that he looks like that right before he’s going to break your heart.

He’s so cool, even when you’re falling apart in his hands. “You don’t want me,” you sniffle, let him guide you onto his lap. “You just want to fuck and that’s it.”

Jimin leans his forehead against yours, warm breath washing over your skin. “I never said that,” he murmurs. “We’ve been over this.”

You huff. “Well you never said you did either,” you snap, rubbing at your eyes.

You cry and cry some more, until your sobs subside and you’re left with the hiccups afterwards. Jimin maneuvers you beside him, lets your hair spill across the sheets as he lays you down. They smell just like him, make your head spin when he kisses your cheek softly. “I want you,” he confesses. “I want this.”

You shake your head vehemently. “No, you don’t,” you sniff, but you’re not so sure. It’s what you’ve been telling yourself for the longest. Hearing him say otherwise sounds weird, even if he’s saying what you want to hear. “You don’t.”

Jimin catches your hand in his, pins it to the mattress. “I want you to be mine,” he adds, swallows your cries of denial with his lips. He kisses softly, and for the first time, it feels like he’s paying attention to you. Not your body or your lust, but your heart. “Had me feeling like shit when you didn’t come back. Like I lost something big.”

You still cry when he kisses down your neck, over your chest. His hands pull your clothes off, carefully like you’re a present for him to unwrap. Those plush lips you love so much drown you in kisses, over your tummy and your mound, until they’re buried between your cunt. “You’re mine,” he husks out, hand entwined with yours.

His eyes are dark from down there, long lashes blinking up at you as he dips his tongue in the places you crave him most. It brings you to a shuddering end, has you whimpering his name into the empty air until your toes are curling and you’re coming against his mouth. Jimin has never shied away from you, and doesn’t know, sits up with a hazy look in his eyes as he wipes his face with the back of his hand.

Jimin wastes no time undressing, pushes off that sexy jacket until his lithe body is coming into view, thick thighs and lean abdomen. He slides right into you, holds your knees to your chest as he fucks you like never before. It’s slow and sensual, makes you shiver when he says your name in that low register of his. “Don’t leave again,” he whimpers, cock throbbing between your walls. He’s desperate today, ruts like you’ll slip right between his fingertips. It’s funny because you're the same way, clinging onto his shoulders until you’re practically glued together.

You come and so does Jimin. He pants against your ear, feels so warm and heavy on top of you. He doesn’t say much more that night, just plays with your hair. But he asks you on a date, mentions something about a carnival. “Yes,” you respond right away, because, well.

Jimin was dreamy. Maybe he’d be a good boyfriend.

Copyright © 2020, 1kook on tumblr. absolutely NO reposts allowed.

[somnilogical]

transfem protestors released info that moved 350000$ of donations from miri. because miri is an evil org, they decided to lie about why they think it happened and say its really confusing. i know the answer to this ~mystery~, i know why this year was different; i can talk about it in public, they cant. cuz im freeee from CDT PR. i can decide to lazily choose an algorithm that optimizes utility in multiverse, not just institute whatever choice seems to give most utility "going forward".

<<Our fundraiser fell well short of our $1M target this year, and also short of our in-fundraiser support in 2018 ($947k) and 2017 ($2.5M). It’s plausible that some of the following (non-mutually-exclusive) factors may have contributed to this, though we don’t know the relative strength of these factors:>>

https://web.archive.org/web/20200214061634/https://intelligence.org/2020/02/13/our-2019-fundraiser-review/

they then go on to list eight pretty thin excuses. you know perfectly well why this year is different from all other years, MIRI. your ""speculations"" are fake.

a small group of transfems moved ~350,000$ from your ineffective charity.

i suppose eight of these factors also account for why CFAR extended their fundraiser 5 days longer than announced after donations were super low?

or maybe there is a more compact generator for both of these events: whistleblowers protested what you have been doing releasing lots of marginal information and donors saw this.

i know why this year is different, you know why this year is different. Colm Ó Riain you are facilitating MIRI lying, hoping that if one doesnt mention something, people wont pay attention to it.

like lying in such a way that you wouldnt be held legally culpable, because you could say in front of a court with low schelling reach "you cant prove what i was thinking". except i dont care about legal culpability, i care about causal entanglement. you heard about the protests (or, much less likely, were kept from hearing about these protests somehow by a distributed version of this algorithm set one personstep back), you have > 1/100 intelligence. your omission of this is deception.

is <<In past years, when answering supporters' questions about the discount rate on their potential donations to MIRI, we've leaned towards a "now later" approach. This plausibly resulted in a front-loading of some donations in 2017 and 2018.>> really more plausible than "there was an entire protest against MIRI and CFAR's support of UFAI. people reacted strongly to this, it shows up in the donations.¹"?

it would have come up on a list that scrapes the bottom of the barrel for plausible causes in a counterfactual world in which you werent optimizing for good PR. an AU in which you were searching for and publicising how things were causally entangled.

--

¹see, for instance, the Patrick LaVictoire who had aggregate donations of:

25,885$ november 26 2018

35,885$ august 29 2019

117,199$ february 14 2020

giving diffs of 10,000$ and 81,314$ to estimate 2018 and 2019 donation periods. iirc at some point the diff was 81,000$, id guess at some point afterwards they donated \floor{100π}$. https://web.archive.org/web/20200601000000*/https://intelligence.org/topcontributors/

and then went on to do the standard antitransfem thing calling ziz a "gross uncle" style abuser who just wants status like brent.

https://pastebin.com/TUZ7EThz

with their evidence being someone kaj said it, and kaj's evidence being that ziz said:

<<> I asked Person A if they expected me to be net negative. They said yes. After a moment, they asked me what I was feeling or something like that. I said something like, “dazed” and “sad”. They asked why sad. I said I might leave the field as a consequence and maybe something else. I said I needed time to process or think. I basically slept the rest of the day, way more than 9 hrs, and woke up the next day knowing what I’d do. [...]

> In the case that I’d be net negative like I feared, I was considering suicide in some sense preferable to all this, because it was better causal isolation. However, despite thinking I didn’t really believe in applications of timeless decision theory between humans, I was considering myself maybe timelessly obligated to not commit suicide afterward. Because of the possibility that I could prevent Person A and their peers from making the correct decision for sentimental reasons. [...]

> I was very uncomfortable sharing this stuff. But I saw it as a weighing on the scales of my personal privacy vs some impact on the fate of the world. So I did anyway. [...]

> I tried to inner sim and answer the question. But my simulated self sort of rebelled. Misuse of last judge powers. Like, I would be aware I was being “watched”, intruded upon. Like by turning that place into a test with dubious methodology of whether I was really a delusional man upon which my entire life depended, I was having the idea of Heaven taken from me. [...]

> I made myself come up with the answer in a split second. More accuracy that way. Part of me resisted answering. Something was seriously wrong with this. No. I already decided for reasons that are unaffected. that producing accurate information for person A was positive in expectation.>>

which doesnt sound at all like brent or other people ive encountered who were chronically angsty about status.

--

im going to write more about this and others in another post but like okay:

[1] ppl with high current or natal testosterone (centrally but not exclusively cis men) keep doing this thing where they mind-project that everyone else has the same degree of status sensitivity and unreflecticity upon it as them when actually this is hormonally mediated.

ziz has a natally & currently estrodized brain and from my observations doesnt have that submodule testosteronized. people with PCOS like ilzo have mentioned that they had masculinized status sensitivity modules, lex somni and some cis guy all tried increasing testosterone and noticed status-sensitivity went up, without looking for this effect in the first place. there are papers on it. your experiences are not universal.

[2] but also this isnt really a "belief", its a coordination mechanism. in the same way "its in black peoples nature to be servile" was a coordination mechanism for slavery rather than a "belief". humans actually can use evidence efficiently and see, for instance, in the antebellum south that black people were human just the same as anyone else. but the local social positionality and what they valued made it more advantageous to verbally report otherwise.

similarly for any minority. "*phobia" is the wrong word, its not fear its a schelling coordination mechanism that humans can expect most of society to have their backs on when bad times happen. which tracks what social justice theorists mean by this stuff being "structural". its not about some emotion of hatred or fear against the specific phenotype of "black skin" or "gender divergence" its about what humans can coordinate against.

hence the use of "antitransfem" instead of "transphobia", i picked this up from ziz and gwen and later noticed it mirroring the form of "antiblack". i wonder if antiblack was coined after encountering a similar issue.

[3] you parted with a marginal 71,000$ (compared to what id expect in a counterfactual world without a protest given your lifetime donation total was 35,885$ and you donated 10,000$ last year.) to protect a UFAI org. is this not an amazing amount of "subservience" to MIRI? anarchotransfems getting together to protest the present omnicide isnt "subservience". the transfems protesting against google being evil werent "subservient", but the employees at google who fired them out were.

its amusing watching this one narrative being tiled everywhere, but with different targets. the authoritarians did the same thing to emma goldman. ▘▕▜▋ says emma and somni are haxing a clueless ziz to "bully" people, linta said somni was infohazardously corrupting people, CFAR affiliates say ziz was 'whipping people into a frenzy' and 'demanding subservience' from them. im going to write a post about this.

[supersleepygoat]

Glass Houses: Part Two

Pairing: Sam x Sister!Reader, MOC!Dean x Sister!Reader, Styne Family

Summary: After you left the bunker, you take on a few case. You get some experience under you belt but let overconfidence lead you into a dangerous situation that would be better left for your brothers. Set in Dark Dynasty (10.21).

Word Count: 6,042

Warning: Angst. Violence. Mention of Character Death. TW: Mentions of Rape. Nonconsensual Blood Play. Nonconsensual Knife Play. (No Explicit Smut)

Part One

Masterlist

You had just gotten off the phone with your boyfriend, Nathan. You had left the bunker and pulled off to the side of the road. You needed to talk to him. Talking to him always puts you at ease. But as soon as you hang up the phone, that ease morphs into dread.

You curse yourself for being unable to let him go. It is selfish and you know it. He will always be in danger as long as he is in your life. But you love him. In a different world, you know without a doubt he would be your end game. He would be the one to save you. He would give you the apple pie life you know you should want. But that’s not who you are. You will never be the girl who could walk away from her family to start a new one.

No matter how your brothers make you feel about yourself, Nate always grounds you. He tells you how special and capable he thinks you are. And for a moment, you believe him. So, in a perfect world, he would be who you are driving to right now. But, instead you are headed out of town and seeking out danger. You are a Winchester. There is no apple pie life waiting for you. Everyone knows how the game really ends for a Winchester.

As much as it killed you, you had to lie to Nate. You had to tell him your brothers took you out of town and you’d be gone for a while. You know you have to end it with him when you get back. But you don’t have the strength to burn that bridge right now. That bridge holds a view of hope, so you’re not ready to watch it burn quite yet.

Besides, Nate deserves for you to explain yourself in person. But if you show up now with this bruise on your cheek, he’ll only go on a testosterone induced rampage. He has always hated the fact your brothers push you aside. He hates that they treat you like a second-class Winchester. So, if you tell him things have escalated to a physical level, he’ll only see red. He won’t listen to a word you say. And, you need him to hear you. He needs to understand that he will always be the best thing that ever happened to you.

But, your destiny is to pursue the family business. Whether your brothers like it or not, for you there is no getting out of this life. You want to fight alongside your brothers. It’s what you’ve always wanted. So, it’s not safe for Nate to be attached to you or this life. You need to let him go before he ends up like Jessica or Lisa. He deserves better than the danger that comes with being with you. He deserves better than you.

You started small. You left your brothers only three weeks ago but you already have two solo cases under your belt.

The first was a simple salt and burn. Unfortunately, the ghost’s human body had been cremated. But, it wasn’t hard to figure out that the jilted lover’s spirit was tied to her wedding ring. Her unfaithful husband still wore it on a chain around his neck. Little did he know, he was carrying around a beacon for pain. You burnt the tarnish silver symbol and moved on.  

The second case was a step up. Your first demon. You didn’t have the demon knife or an angel blade so you had to rely on an good old-fashioned exorcism to get rid of the thing. It worked out because you were able to save the meat suit, or Shannon as she preferred to be called. She was shaken up but grateful you were able to spare her.

After you prove your point and you return home to your brothers, you may have a talk with them. You will remind them that they tend to forget that the meat suits are really people. They use the demon knife and angel blade as if the quick solution is the only solution. But there is another way. Maybe they could learn something from their useless baby sister after all.

You are running on a string of highs. Are you getting a bit cocky? Perhaps, but you feel as though you are finally doing something useful with your life. You are no longer waiting at home for your brothers to get back from a hunt. You are no longer living vicariously through their stories of heroism. You are the one who is living now. You are the one making a difference.

You know what you’re doing is dangerous. If you had a clear mind, you would realize your luck is bound to wear out eventually. But you are misguided by the illusion that Winchesters always come out on top. You are starting to feel untouchable. If your brothers were here, they would be able to teach you that arrogance is a leading cause of death among hunters. But, they aren’t here. That is lesson you will have to learn for yourself.

One more. You decided one more hunt will do the trick. If you can close three cases all on your own, your brothers will have no choice. They will have to acknowledge that you are a capable hunter. You have enjoyed being on your own but it’s gotten a little lonely.

The whole reason you wanted to start hunting was so you could spend more time with your brothers. You want them to include you in their lives. You don’t want to hunt just for the sake of hunting. This little trial period of solo hunts is merely a means to an end. The end goal will always be to be accepted by your brothers. You are doing this so you can fight with them, not against them.

You may want their love and approval, but that doesn’t mean you’re not still pissed at them, especially Dean. But like any other set of siblings, your best revenge will be to make them feel like shit for ever doubting you. You can’t wait to stroll back into the bunker and throw Baby’s keys back at Dean. He’ll see you were responsible enough to take good care of his favourite girl. There’s not a scratch on her. Then, you’ll tell them every gory detail of your hunts. They’ll realize just how much of a badass you are.

They’ll be mad, Dean may even kick your ass again. But they’ll be proud of you, they have to be.  But if they are still unwilling to acknowledge you, then at the very least you have proven to yourself that you are a legitimate hunter. You will just continue going at it alone until they let you in. You won’t give up.

For your last case, you found something a little odd. It’s not a classic monster like a ghost or a vampire. But rather, it is something that is just too gross to not be your kind of case. You going to prove that you can handle even the weird cases.

So, you’re headed to Omaha, Nebraska. A woman was reported to have her throat slit and her eyes gouged out. Not to mention, the guy who done it jumped out of a third story window and ran away without so much as a limp. Definitely your kind of weird.

Your best guess is that he may be another Doc Benton. Sam and Dean told you all about that creep. Plus, you read about someone like him in your dad’s journal. These types of monsters were once human. But they harvest the organs of young and healthy people to remain immortal. You assume that’s why he only took the victim’s eyes. Luckily, John’s journal told you that if you burn them alive, they will stay dead.

You were in a nearby town when you caught the case. It didn’t take long to drive to the scene. By the time you and Baby pulled up to the office building, the victim’s body was still inside. The janitor who found the girl and saw the killer’s great escape wasn’t very helpful. He was too shaken up to tell you anything more than what you heard over the police radio.

The building manager shows you security footage of the man’s three-story jump. Either than the fact he walked away without even a scratch, there was nothing out of the ordinary about the man. He looked human. But you know looks can be deceiving in this line of work. At least now you know his face. You know who you are looking for.

The manager gives you all the information he has on his murderous renter. You know it is all probably fake names and bogus addresses, but you have to start somewhere.

“More FBI?” The building’s landlord asks Sam and Dean as they each flash their badge.

“What do you mean more?” Dean asks with slight irritation. He hates when the real feds intrude on their cases. They always get territorial over their jurisdiction. Dean doesn’t have the patience right now to get into a pissing contest. He has a job to do and prefers to do it without interference.

“Yeah, an Agent Hart was here yesterday. That girl looked like she was barely out of diapers. You guys are recruiting them young now, aren’t ya?” The man asks.

Sam and Dean share a knowing look. Sam’s eyes widen as Dean’s narrows. You always used to babble about what fake FBI names you would use. Agent Hart was always at the top of your list. The brothers lost count of how many times you made them watch Miss Congeniality. So, they would know that name anywhere.

“Is this her?” Dean asks while showing the man a picture of you on his phone. The picture is of you sitting on Dean’s lap while you force him to smile for the camera.

“Yep. That’s her,” The land lord confirms. “You two close? Luck man,” he gives Dean a coy smile.

Dean does not return that slimy smirk. Instead, he clenches his jaw and holds himself back from punching the man. He hates the idea of anyone sexualizing his baby sister. You’re better than that.

Sam reads Dean’s reaction and steps between the two men. “Did she leave a phone number for you to reach her?” Sam asks with hope in his voice.

“Uh, yeah” the man says while he searches his wallet for your card. When he goes to hand it to Sam, Dean reaches over and snatches it away. Dean is about to leave the room when the man interrupts him. “Don’t you want to see what I showed her?” He asks reminding the agents why they were there in the first place.

The brothers crowd around the man’s tablet. He plays the security footage of the perp’s miraculous escape.

“Wait, freeze there. Zoom in,” Sam directs. The footage clearly shows the man is sporting a distinctive tattoo on his right forearm.  

“Same ink as the Styne’s,” Dean says what both brothers are thinking.

In a panic, Sam pulls Dean away from the other man’s earshot. “Dean, if this is the Stynes, and Y/N is working this case, then she doesn’t know what she’s walking into. She left the bunker before Charlie called us about the Book of the Damned! She doesn’t know anything about what the Stynes are capable of or how hard they are to kill!” Sam informs his brother.

Dean’s teeth grind together. Before Sam can blink, Dean’s fist collides with the nearest piece of drywall. He shakes his now bloodied knuckles. “Son of a bitch!”

Sam looks back at the horrified landlord. “You can send the bill for repairs to head office,” Sam says with a sheepish smile. He hurries his brother out of the room before Dean snaps again.

Dean pushes his brother’s guiding hand off of him. “We need to find her, Sammy! Now!” Dean barks.  

Over the past few weeks, Dean’s sole focus has been on finding you. However, Sam has split his attention between finding you and trying to find a way to remove Dean’s mark. But now, his missions have collided. Now more than ever, both brothers are feeling the urgency. You have no idea what you have gotten yourself into.

Dean and Sam get into the crappy car they have been forced to use since your departure. Dean slams the door shut behind him. “How could she be so stupid? I raised her better than this. She knows better than to…” Dean is too infuriated to finish his train of thought. You’re going to get yourself killed trying to prove a point to your brothers. The fear inside of Dean is morphing into uncontrollable anger. “I am going to kill all those Frankenstein sons of bitches if they so much as lay a finger one her!” Dean grips the wheel and peels out of the parking lot.

“Agent Hart,” you greet into the receiver of your phone. You love pretending to be professional.

“Y/N?” You hear Sam’s soft voice and your stomach drops.

“S-Sam?”

You hear shuffling on the other end of the phone. The next voice you hear makes you heart stop. You thought you were over it. You told yourself you that what Dean said and did to you was driven by the mark. That wasn’t your brother. You thought you were over it. But even hearing his hardened voice makes fearful tears pool in your eyes. Your bruises have long since healed but all the sudden you can feel your cheek sting again right where he hit you.

“Where the fuck are you?” Dean growls at you. Your eyes widen. You knew he would be mad that your left. You knew he would be pissed about you taking Baby. But, you thought his rage would have eased in the three weeks he has had to cool down. “You know what, it doesn’t matter,” Dean stops you before you can respond. “Get your ass back to the bunker, now! You have no idea what you’re dealing with, kid!”

Your anger rises to match Dean’s. He still refuses to acknowledge you. He still insists on treating you like a child. Apparently, you still have something to prove. You’ll take care of this weirdo all on your own. Then, you’ll rub it in his condescending face.

“I know exactly what I’m dealing with! A freak who has been harvesting people’s organs so he can live longer. I even know his name, Eldon Styne. Plus, I know where to find him,” you inform your brothers. You’re proud of all the information you have been able to dig up in such a short time. This guy left more a paper trail than you were expecting. He’s kind of sloppy.

“No, Y/N! Don’t you dare! It’s more than that! That ‘freak’ and his family aren’t something you can take on alone! These aren’t amateurs you’re dealing with, Y/N. So, they can’t be taken down by an amateur!”

In Dean’s misguided mind, he thinks he actually doing a good job in convincing you to back down. But, all he is doing is riling you up. Before, you had something to prove. Now, you feel like closing this case out of spite.

“I can do this! I may be new at this but I’m not an idiot. I am careful and I am capable. Back off, Dean!” You bite at your brother before hanging up on him. As if beating you down wasn’t enough. He always has to pour salt into your wounds by making you feel inferior.

You turn your phone off and pull out the battery. You have a long drive a head of you. You don’t need your phone ringing incessantly. Nor do you need your brothers tracking you down through GPS. You pull the map out of Baby’s glove compartment and find your route to Shreveport, Louisiana.

“Here’s how you redeem yourself. First, clean up your mess in Omaha. Next, you will track down these Winchesters who murdered your brother Jacob and who may now have in their possession the Book of the Damned” Monroe Styne instructs his son.

“It will be done,” Eldon responds with fearful obedience. He knows his father is not one to make idle threats. If he fails to deliver again, he will lose his position as heir and will become the family lab rat.

Eldon and his goons leave his father office on a mission.

Just then, you pull up to the cute yellow house. The mouldings scream southern charm. But the two armed men guarding the front door, tells you that you are exactly where you need to be. You did a little research on the Styne family. Their history isn’t as developed as you first assumed it would be. They seemed to have popped up in the 1800s out of nowhere and have been causing trouble ever since. If you had access to the bunkers library, you may have been able to learn more. But for now, all you need to know is that they kill people to harvest their body parts. Which means they fall under your jurisdiction.

You sneak around to the back porch and slip into the house through the kitchen. You are armed to the teeth. But so far no one has gotten in your way.

The further you slip into the house, the faster your heart starts to race. You see a group of men discussing something in the hall in front of you. To stay hidden, you slip into what you think is an empty room.  

You close the door behind you. You jump out of your skin when you hear a throat clear from across the room. You raise your gun and point it in the direction of the sound.

The man looking down your barrel doesn’t seem phased in the least.

“And who might you be?” Monroe asks you with a curious smile. His southern drawl would be charming if he didn’t look like evil incarnate.

“I’m the girl who’s going to kill you,” you inform him. You try to match his threatening persona but can’t help but feel like you’re failing miserably.

Monroe laughs a genuine laugh. He gets out of his seat. “Drink?” He raises a pitcher of sweet tea in your direction.

You narrow your eyes at him in confusion. You’re not in the mood for small talk. So, you pull your trigger you land a shot straight in his heart. He doesn’t fall. He barely even flinches. 

The gun shot didn’t kill him. But, it did alert the house to your presence. Within minutes, the door is kicked open and all the men from the hall barge into the room. Every shot you land hits their mark dead on but these men do not fall. It is as if the bullets barley leaves a sting.

It doesn’t take long for you to be surrounded. Your gun is kicked out of your hand and you are stripped of all your weapons, except they never find the knife in your boot. You are pushed onto your knees as your own gun is pointed at your head. You recognize the man holding you down as the man from the video, Eldon.

“Shall we try this one more time, girly? Who are you?” the grey-haired man asks you again.

You debate your options. Sassing him will only get you killed faster. So, you decide to try a little honesty. “Y/N Winchester. And I’m guessing you’re the patriarch of this little band of killers. You must be so proud,” you feign a smile up at the man. You told yourself you weren’t going to sass the man with a gun to your head but you just couldn’t help yourself.

“I have my moments. But tell me darling’, Winchester? Any relation to Sam and Dean?” the older man asks you.

You shift on your knees. “Y-You know my brothers?” You hate how shaky your voice comes out. But you’re starting to realize Dean may have been right. He may have warned you about this family for reason. You thought he was just being an asshole who thought you couldn’t handle any situation. But you’re starting to understand he was referring to this specific situation as being above your paygrade.

“They killed my eldest boy,” all charm is gone from Monroe’s voice. He steps forward so he is towering over your kneeling and helpless form. His lips fall into a hard line. He contemplates what to do with you. You can see his wheels turning against your favour. He is no doubt imagining the most painful way to kill you or which parts of you to harvest. That thought makes a shiver run down your spine.

“Daddy, the girl may be useful.” Eldon interrupts his father when he sees the murderous glint in his eyes. “If she really is their sister, I think they’d be willing to make a trade. We give them her and they give us the book. Those Winchesters seem just stupid enough to think it would be a fair trade.” Eldon offers a solution.

Monroe considers his options for a moment. “No,” he states with finality. “We do not barter with animals. That is beneath us. We will get the book back on our own terms. They stole from us and we shall not negotiate.”

“Then what are we to do with this one?” Eldon nudges you with his knee and you stumble off balance.

“She is a Winchester. You know as well as I do the power of Winchester blood. The Winchester lineage is a lot like ours in many ways, special.”

“So, what do you want to do, bleed her out?” Eldon asks slightly confused.

Now you think is a good time to clarify a few things. “I am only their half-sister! I don’t have any of that special sauce you are talking about. I’m just a-” a firm back handed slap across your cheek cuts you off.

“Don’t be stupid, boy. Think bigger. She may only be a half breed Winchester but she is still a Winchester. And Winchester blood will mix well with our own. It will add a certain potency to our linage. Strengthen the family tree so to speak. I’ll tell you what, we’ll make a deal. Cousin Eli seems to think you are incapable of handling your assignment on your own,” Monroe addresses his son. “prove him wrong. Kill that little redheaded who stole my book and I’ll give you the girl as a reward. She can be yours.”

“To do what with, exactly?” There is a glint of hope in Eldon voice that makes you shudder. But Eldon needs to clarify his father’s meaning before he lets his hopes run wild.

“You expect me to spell it out for you! You are my son and heir! That means you too will need an heir one day. Breed your new bitch. I don’t care how it happens. Marry her or simply lock her up in the basement and breed her when she’s at peak fertility. Like I said, I don’t care. But, you will mix our bloodlines.”

“Yes, Daddy!” Eldon beams with excitement. He reaches down to pick your stupefied body off the ground but Monroe slaps the back of his head to stop him.

“What the hell you doing, son?” Monroe shouts. “I said she is you reward for you fulfilling your duties! You have already disappointed me today. You have not earned your reward yet. You don’t get her until the job is done. And, if you fail… she will go to the man who can follow orders.” Monroe’s eye travels from his son over to his nephew Eli. A little familial completion is guaranteed to get the job done, especially since the incentive to succeed is so sweet. “You boys better get going. But leave her with me.” Monroe turns his attention to you. “We have some things to discuss. She will be well prepped in her expectations for your return.”

You are pulled off the ground. The feeling of someone touching you pulls you out of your shocked state. You fight against their manhandling with all the strength you have. But they drag you along like your violent efforts mean nothing. You are knocked around like a ragdoll. You can’t help but feel the same way you did at the bunker. Dean kept knocking you down so easily. You should have listened to him when he told you that you weren’t ready, you weren’t strong enough. Now, your overconfidence in your own abilities has condemned you to a nightmare.

Eldon tries to strap you to a wooden chair but your limbs refuse to comply. You scratch at his face and make his job as difficult as possible.

“Control your broodmare! If you cannot handle her now, how can I trust you to handle the breeding process?” Monroe shouts at his son.

Your eyes widen in fear but a full fisted punch to your temple knocks the fear out of you. Your mind goes hazy and your muscles go limp just long enough for Eldon to tie you down. You are brought back to reality when he leans in and kisses your temple. He puts his lips right over where his fist just landed. “I promise not to mark up your face anymore after this. It was just this once. But don’t think that the rest of you isn’t fair game,” he smiles against your skin. You pull on your restraints as tears pool in our eyes.

“Enough! Get to work. She’ll be waiting here for your successful return. Do not come back without that redhead’s blood on your sword,” Monroe threatens his son one last time.

Eldon nods and leaves the room without another word.

The throbbing in your head is dulled by the disgust bubbling within you. “If you know my brothers, then you know they will kill you. They’ll find out I’m here one way or another. Then, you are all dead!” You spit your venom at the patriarch. You hate the idea that you are relying on your brothers to save you. You want to save yourself. But right now, that isn’t an option. You only hope you didn’t cover your tracks as well as you thought you did and Sam and Dean find you before it’s too late.

“Time for a history lesson, girly.” Monroe says ignoring your every threat. “By the time school is out of session, you will understand the full power of my family… excuse my rudeness, our family.” He offers you a wicked smile. “We have been funding destruction for centuries. We cannot be taken down by the likes of your brothers. So, you may as well settle in. You are one of us now, sweetheart.”

“I will never be a part of your twisted family! You can take your egomaniacal self-indulgence and shove it up your-” a firm hand closes over your throat and blocks your words from coming out.

“This is a goddamn privilege! Baring Styne children is a gift. You will be grateful or will not like what happens next!” The pure rage in his eyes is more threatening than his words.

The forceful hold over your throat is causing your vison to blacken. Monroe loosens his grip and stands up straight. He walks back over to his desk and takes a seat. All he does is stare at you while he waits for you to choke the air back into your lungs.

“You finished? We have a lot of ground to cover.” Monroe says as he leans forward in his chair and interlocks his fingers.

After your family history lesson, you were left to sit alone in Monroe’s office. He didn’t seem to have an issue leaving you alone. He says he trusts his new daughter to behave then left. It feels like you have been sitting here for days on end. Although the agonizing cuckoo clock on the wall tells you it has only been a few of hours. You struggle against your restraints to reach the knife still in your boot but the ropes are too tight. You have to wait until someone comes to untie you.

The hours tick by but no one comes for you. No one comes to feed you or let you go to the bathroom. Exhaustion takes you over and you drift to sleep. You don’t know how long you were out for but you are awoken to the study door bursting open. You jolt awake and try to ready yourself for a fight, but then you remember you are strapped to a chair.

To your surprise, it isn’t Monroe but rather Eldon who comes through the door. He drops his bloodied knife onto his father’s desk. He turns to you with a triumphant smile. “I held up my end of the bargain. Father says I can play for a while before I go find your brothers. He says it is important to reward small victories. It prompts motivation for further success.”

He takes a step toward you. “Touch me and I will rip your lungs out!” you threaten the man using Dean’s best line.

Eldon clenches his jaw before crossing the room and punching you in the stomach. If you weren’t restrained you would have doubled over in pain. He is a man of his word, you have to give him that. He didn’t touch your face.

“I thought Father taught you your place here, bitch? You don’t get a say in what happens to you. Your body is mine and your womb belong to our family now. Get in line or I’ll have to put you there,” Eldon threatens you. “I earned you. I am entitled to my reward,” he says as if you are bartering over gold stickers and not your body.

“You didn’t earn shit! Your father is not in charge of when I spread my legs! You can go fuck yourself but leave me out of it!” You spit at the man in front of you.

“You got a mouth on you, girl. No wonder your brothers sent you into the lion’s den all on your own. They were probably itching to get rid of you and that smart lip. I am probably doing them a service taking you off their hands and putting that tongue to better use.”

Before you can correct him, Eldon lunges forward and claims your mouth in bruising kiss. You struggle against your restraints and try to jerk your head away. But a firm hand grasps your hair and holds you in place. You bite his intruding tongue but that earns you another punch to the stomach.

Eldon pushes away from you and walks back over to his father’s desk. He picks up his bloodied and discarded knife before coming back over to you.

“Do you know whose blood this is?” He asks you as he crouches down to your eye level.

You shake your head because your swollen lips are too afraid to part.

“I believe you know her. Apparently, she is a family friend of you Winchesters.” Eldon licks some of the blood off his knife and your cringe with disgust. “Charlene… Caroline…” Eldon struggles to remember her name.

“C-Charlie?” you squeak with utter dread.

Eldon’s wicked smile of affirmation is his only response. You heart drops into your stomach as violent tears stream down your cheeks. You had no idea Charlie was the redhead they were talking about earlier. Why didn’t you make that connection? Why didn’t you kill them when you had the chance? Now, Charlie is dead because you couldn’t handle them on your own. She is dead because of you.

Your head is hung low but Eldon hooks his finger under your chin. Your watering eyes meet his empty ones. He licks his blade again. Then, he kisses you again. You can taste Charlie’s blood on his tongue and you sob into his mouth.

He cuts you free of your restraints and throws you over his shoulder. You kick against him and let out a string of curses as he carries up the stairs to his bedroom. He locks the door behind him then throws you onto his bed.

“Strip,” to him it is such a simple demand.

You start by taking off your boot. The second it is off your foot you reach inside the lining and pull out your knife. You swipe it across his face and leave a nasty gash. He doesn’t even wince.

There is no pain in his eyes, only rage. He grasps your wrists and bends it back until the bone snaps and you let go of your little knife. You whimper in pain but he pays you no mind. He picks up your knife and pushes you onto your back. He hovers in over you and holds the knife to your throat.

“Kiss it better,” he orders you. When you refuse to move he presses the knife into your skin until it draws blood. You debate whether you should let him kill you, it would be better than being his bitch. But, you know he won’t let you off that easy.

You lean forward and kiss his cheek, right above the bloody cut you left there. That simple act causes bile to rise in your throat. 

“I’m sure you can do better than that. Let me show you how it’s done,” Eldon says as he takes the knife and cuts along your collarbone. A line of blood appears and you bite back your cries of pain. He lowers his mouth onto you wound. He sucks and kisses the cut until there is no more blood dripping down your chest. “Just like that,” he says when he’s finished. “Your turn!” he leans his cheek closer to you. 

You refuse to reciprocate.

He clenches his jaw. “Fine then. I guess I’ll just have to keep going until you get the memo.” He rips open your shirt and starts cutting into the skin along your chest and stomach. You writhe in pain as it is a never-ending pattern of cutting and sucking. He holds you down with his inhuman strength and forces you to endure his confusing torture. The knife hurts but his lips heal.

His trail ends at the hem of your jeans. But soon he takes them off you and cuts your panties off you too. You have been naked in front of a man before but you have never felt so exposed. He keeps your legs spread as he places the cold blade against your core.

“Please don’t,” you beg him through the tears. You are starting to realize just how bad he could make this.

“Shh, baby girl.” He crawls back up your body. “I would never cut you there… unless you asked me nicely. No, I plan on ruining your pretty little pussy in a different way.” He smiles at you and you hear him unbuckle his slacks.

You kick, punch, scream, and beg. But you are no match for him. You have a broken wrist and mere human strength. He will have his way, whether you like it or not.

He takes you. You try to close your eyes and pretend it is Nate splitting you open but Eldon forces you keep your eyes open. He wants you to watch as he lays his claim. He owns you now and each brutal thrust seals the deal. You push Nate out of your mind.

Soon the Styne’s seed will paint your walls. You stopped fighting him. You figure this is your punishment for being unable to prevent Charlie’s death. You deserve all the pain, violation, and humiliation.

At some point during the night, you stopped wishing your brothers would find you. You don’t want them to see how quickly you broke, how quickly you crumbled under Eldon’s forceful hand. You don’t want them to see how weak you are.

You don’t want them to say I told you so.

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[infinitydoublevenus]

the way i Feel

seems to belong

in another time period

no, i don’t mean discrimination

i don’t mean hate or ignorance

like you would think when someone says that

and neither do i intend to romanticize the tortures of past peoples

there were however

some aspects portrayed

perhaps inaccurately in the media

that resonated with me

if i ever found someone

whoever it would be

would they think

i am excessive 

in the way i spoke to them

exaggerative

in the way i spoke of them

outdated

when i whisper to them?

you see the things i want to see aren’t generally said anymore

and even if they are i never see it depicted anywhere

...well, except my own writing, of course.

which is why i’m posting this

anyways

most people just call their s/o today “baby”

i’m fine with that, but not the casual, slang, careless way it seems to be used

or they call them “bae”... gross. how shallow can you be?

maybe they do love 

but it feels so fake when they say that

ingenuine

not... real. 

the things someone would say

that would feel sincere to me?

you want me to list them? okay, sure.

this is the internet after all. there’s no physical crowd watching me, so why not.

“my love

my beloved

my sweetheart

du bist autemraubend 

te amo, mi amore

j’aime tu, bebe

i apologize if my grammar is incorrect, but

there aren’t enough languages in the world 

to describe what i feel strongly enough

it’s beyond words. they say actions speak louder

they’re right

actions have decibels beyond the sound barrier of Earth

i’m....

when it comes to things like that

in this kind of situation

softer than most

gentle

warm

slower than many would prefer

it’s not that i’m averse to the scenario

it’s just that it expresses what i feel better

because i feel everything

and i mean EVERYTHING in extremes

Chasing Cars said “Those three words are said too much; it’s not enough” 

and holy shit, i thought they were making things up

but i know for a fact that Snow Patrol was right

“you are the best thing in my life

i can’t not smile when i’m around you

you make me happier than i can explain”

in an ideal relationship

those are things i would probably say

i know i feel it for someone

i’m too afraid to tell her

we haven’t met in real life

even though i’ve known her since 2012

we might never

i don’t think she’d want to be with someone she only knows over the screen, no matter how much she trusts me

i know she’d want physical contact, snuggles and all that

i can’t provide that through a computer, unfortunately

and i don’t want to fuck up our friendship.

sure, i know most of the time it doesn’t do that

but there’s always that fear “what if this is one of those relationships that DOES get messed up by that?”

she doesn’t even know i’m gay

i would reveal

but i don’t want her even so much as suspecting i like her that way

can’t help

but imagine

that we would

not exactly

be best 

for each other

she likes someone else anyways. i’m not going to step in and ruin that for her

i want her to be happy

more than i care about my own feelings, to be honest. i know thats unhealthy

but its the truth

and i hate liars

and i hate bottling myself up

would anyone even show the consideration i’d need and want,

there aren’t many people out there

who would be with someone like me: queer, autistic, mentally ill, disabled... 

i know most people are becoming open minded

but especially in Virginia it’s hard to find them 

or that’s been my experience, at least

it’s not like my parents travel much either

and i don’t have a place to socialize now that i’m a Graduate

i would

but the funding is taking too long

to get to the place

that said they’d train me for a job

most of the people there aren’t the kind i’d get along with anyways

sure most of them are nd, but most are old men

there’s only a few younger adults and they look like they’re in their 40s already

and i rarely meet someone around my age

and i’m still fucking unemployed 

i can’t help but be bitter about it

it’s...

like i’m in a cold room

alone

isolated

a strong desire tugs at me, a craving, pulling 

stretching my heartstrings

that of want and need for companionship

even if i found someone

would it be solely them?

i don’t know

and the creature i’m hunting down?

its name, do you want to know it? of course you do.

well

it’s called

MY ANSWER 

[6ad6ro]

let's talk about this idea of incels for a sec. i'm gonna do my best to not make a single insulting remark here. and i'm oversimplifying gender and sexuality like crazy since incels tend to be cis men. so anyways incels are ppl (men) who wanna have sex, but believe women just won't let them, right? they feel somehow their personalities make them incompatible with girls. okay.

most ppl? just view that rejection as a period of loneliness rather than defining themselves by it. when you grow up, you realise that most ppl want romantic partners. or at least an emotionally comparable variant. it's rly not hard to meet ppl. you just get out there. be nice n considerate. honest. accept things don't always work out and realise it's not the world against you. you just keep looking. meet people and let things happen naturally.

TLDR: incels are just toxic, extremist versions of the guys who used to bring up "friendzoning", and fz was never real. girls don't actually have an easier time dating than guys. it isn't women doing this to you, but rather the fault of patriarchy and the dudes in charge. you can change! just stop with this silliness because it's making things way worse for you!

i'm not particularly attractive, especially now that i'm older. i don't have a lot of money. i'm rly not interesting. i have a ton of personality baggage and flaws. hell, i'm agoraphobic and sorta like a western hikikomori. it's rly hard for me to meet people even online. and yet, when i DO get out there? i wind up in relationships or flings or flirty friendships. bc that's just how it works.

you have to meet ppl and develop a relationship to have... the physical parts of a relationship. life isn't porn. or harem anime. people have brains and feelings. and everybody has preferences. that person who you think is perfect for you? maybe they just weren't looking for someone like you. it isn't cruel of them to have their own opinions.

i mean honestly i don't think a single one of you incels would fuck just anybody. you guys have preferences too. are you sure if you didn’t open your eyes a bit wider that you couldn’t find someone? bc there are tons and tons of lonely ppl out there! the majority of ppl, actually. it's insane how many ppl are out there, right at this moment, who wish they had a sexual partner. go find them! be willing to have broader preferences! stop looking for someone who is "perfect" and look for someone who you can just be happy with!

okay so fine you say "well i'm ugly from societies standards". but... then why are you going after people who follow society's standards. as someone who constantly feels outcast in your life, shouldn’t that experience SHOW you that popular societal opinions are mostly frivolous? standards of beauty are fake? so if someone rejects you purely on that front (and this is a stretch bc everyone has valid personal pref), why isn't that a GOOD thing to you!? you aren't wasting your time on someone who harshly judges you based on unimportant things! you're filtering incompatible ppl out that way! it's all very natural.

okay lastly... i'm gonna bring up a part that could make me look bad. but i wanna be rly honest here. so women? do seem like they have an easier time meeting men. SEEM is the key word here, bc they actually don't. not really.

but girls who are willing to severely fall into the gender roles that patriarchal society forces upon them? yeah. they do. as long as they're fairly "attractive". and willing to spend a ton of time TRYING to be attractive. ESP if they're a bit aggressive themselves. thanks to awful patriarchy, typical gender roles have men chasing women like predators after prey. i won't get into ALL the extensive, rapey issues that involves bc that isn't my point here.

tho i mean how is that any different than a guy doing similar role stuff like "working out/making money/acting cool"?? if you really wanna meet the kinds of girls who fall into typical gender roles, you gotta do the same thing? i don't think this will make ppl happy... but if you wanna play games with ppl, you gotta play within the same dumb rules!

but back to my point, girls that let themselves be chased easily find themselves with guys more often. bc in patriarchy typically the guy has to initiate. girls like that are being reactive. so from a naive male perspective, it can look like "they get any guy they want". no. they're just saying yes to the guys they like of whatever pool of guys who are going after them. if they aren't chasing guys directly, how can they be directly rejected out of the gate?

let's look at it this way: a guy chases after 20 girls he kinda likes over a few years. 5 respond positively back. it prob seems like he only has 25% success w women and is usually failing, right? whereas a girl gets hit on by 20 guys over the same period, but says yes to 5 of them. so she's getting an "100% success rate" there, since she only wanted that 5. she wasn't chasing anyone. to guys it looks like they WORK for women, but women just win the lottery with guys? no. absolutely wrong. that is objectively incorrect.

you aren't incorporating all the guys they rly want. or how often they just "go with it". how often do you hear stories of girls wanting a guy and winding up w their friend instead? girls actually typically play within a pool of disappointment rather than chasing ideals. it's not literally disappointment tho? it's just being realistic. they play with the cards they're dealt.

there are TONS of girls who don't wanna spend so much of their lives playing that game tho. who DON'T wanna live within the confines of being a trophy. or if they aren't naturally lucky enough to be "pretty" by default, who aren't willing to spend 75% of their day compensating for that. those girls? aren't surrounded by guys. often single. often lonely until they get older and find someone they're mutually compatible with. bc that's another thing most guys don't see?

the only girls "worth" going after are the "appealing/easy" prey. or "white whales" where they just hope they'll get lucky. men aren't aggressively going after the chubby girl who wears reg clothes and doesn't actively try to look "sexy". they aren't drawn to girls who aren't giving them that playful "come get me" attitude. to them, they see that girl as "just a friend". or a " last resort". or "maybe a lesbian". it's fucking gross.

you might be like "well i know girls like that who have TONS of sex so"... have you seen the levels of desperation stereotypically "unattractive" girls like that have to stoop too? let me tell you, i meet these girl's bf and they're often total scumbags. they're scraping the bottom if the barrel. are you sure these girls haven't stooped to total desperation due to so many years of being overlooked when they acted normally? or ask yourself, were they ever TRULY "unattractive/unappealing" in the first place? u sure you don't just have weird standards??

btw can i point out? the tradeoff? the utter lack of power and choice girls have in this system? girls have to be born pretty and actively attractive with a sexy personality at all times. guys just need to have a moderate amount of money and be occasionally considerate. girls have to be sex objects whereas guys can be just people. bald, fat, somewhat unattractive guys are seen as normal but if a girl looked like that? she'd be perceived as a monster.

as a male working within gender roles you have the freedom to go after as many girls as you want without issue or disrespect. nobody is gonna call you a "slut" for trying to meet many girls. the list goes on and on. why are you mad at girls when you were "born winning"? you are more likely to live a happier life being alone than a girl would constantly being with someone. you should be grateful you aren't them... not mad at them.

but anyways... all this stuff? is super gross. weird toxic shit. it makes sense you would be lonely and angry when you don't wanna play by these rules. or change yourself to be more "appealing". but... why are you getting mad at girls?!?!? why blame women?? shouldn't you be mad at the source? patriarchy. society. gender roles. capitalism. look at who's running the show. bc it isn't the women you're mad at. or "the sjws". it's men in power.

you're seeing your lawn die in the summer sun and getting mad at the grass for daring to dry out. so you go out and stomp on the lawn. instead of using that anger and that energy to water it or give it shade. what are you thinking!? use that "logic" you guys are so proud of and actually try and solve the issue instead of throwing a moral temper tantrum. you talk about girls "bein so overly emotional" but what the heck do you think you're doing here right now?? stop trying to find an easy cheat solution and FIX the problem!

nobody should resort to violence about this stuff, but if you WERE gonna get violent, why isn't it at the people who structured your sexual prison? rather than the girls you wanna convince to fuck you? do you really want a world where girls fuck you out of fear? bc that's rape. would YOU be happy being raped? don't wish for an even rapier world. don't be so stupid and naive. rapey patriarchy is the cause of all your issues to begin with. this is the exact opposite if what you want.

honestly this incel thing just seems like an extremist offshot of the old "friend zone" argument. very similar to how gamergate warped into literal alt-right nazis. it's gross and absurd and you depressed, confused guys are being manipulated. you aren't thinking. please seek therapy or a wider perspective? if you hate feeling lonely and ashamed, why would you wear that shame like a badge of honor? just stop. spread happiness instead and you'll start to receive it back. you can change! it's that simple! it's okay!!!

[dovahtobi]

how did you know you were trans? why did it take so long

hey anon I’m not sure when this was sent so I am sorry if you asked this a while ago :S I didn’t see it till now.

Okay so this is a lonnng post I’m sorry guys.

How I knew I was trans... I’ve thought about it on and off for a long time but in about January of 2017 I really started questioning it because my feelings of “something about me is not right” had gotten too overwhelming. In spring of 2017 I talked to a friend about their journey into discovering their gender identity and it hit me. It just hit me. My feelings were real. I sorta denied it for a while, it took me months to actually embrace and accept it. I don’t think I truly felt okay saying “I’m trans” until autumn of 2017 and even then I wasn’t 100% sure. A big part of that was just fear.

I think one of the biggest factors into realizing was because for a large part of my life, I’ve been on websites. Gaia, neopets, this, that. And a lot of those times I made male avatars/accounts. I ‘pretended’ to be a guy. Because it felt right (but dumb me didn’t realize why it felt right). Some of my most comfortable memories about myself are those times online when I presented as male online. But I just kept dismissing it because I thought “Oh it’s just me being a character” even though that never felt like the truth.

(fun fact: I was very close to ‘pretending’ to be a guy when I started Danevbies and being active on the forums).

When I play video games, I feel better playing as a male character. When I dream, I’m mostly male. When I write, I feel more connected when I am writing from the perspective of a male. Whenever I think of things like... girl power, for example, I thought it was awesome but never connected to me, it had nothing to do with me. I always felt... disconnected from being a girl. Like it was a dream. Fake. An act. Sorry if this is gross or TMI but honestly, every single period I’ve had I honestly emotionally felt like why is this happening to me this shouldn’t be happening to me I shouldn’t have this.

The first time I ever said “I think I’m a guy” to my best friend (@nhum) it felt... just right. Like I had reached inside and pulled the real me out. Cliche. But a light switched on inside of me.  This was me. A guy.

As for why it took so long I think there are two reasons.

First reason: I live in West Virginia. We are a very... republican conservative state. Unfortunately. I had no exposure to LGBT+ growing up. I knew what gay was but not trans. You also have to remember I’m a 90s child, I didn’t have the internet till I was like, going into my teens. And when I did, I didn’t search that stuff up. I mostly hung around Harry Potter places and fanfiction.net which REALLY started exposing me more to the sexualities of LGBT+ but again, not really the trans. I mean in my outside-the-internet life I can count the number of out gay people I have met on one hand. There are now five people I’ve met throughout my /entire life/ that have said they are not straight. Five. I’m completely sure I have met many, many others. They just weren’t out so I didn’t know. And as for trans? I have never in my outside-the-internet life met a person who is out as trans. Again I am very sure I have met some, just not out. My only real exposure was things like movies and even then very, very few and flimsy. And even then it was more of drag queens. The closest I /think/ I ever got to anything like that before I was an adult was Rocky Horror which omg was my LIFE (haha again dumb me didn’t realize anything).

Because my area is also very Christian there’s just... nothing here. Even now I am unable to really find a gender therapist and I am freaking out because I don’t know what to do. The nearest ones are two hoursish away and that’s just too far/long for me to leave my dogs for appointments :\

Anyway...

The second reason I never realized? Definitely because I was homeschooled. I didn’t have much exposure to other kids. And the friends I did have enjoyed the same things I did, which were viewed at the time as more boyish. Video games, outdoor sports-like playing (obstacle courses and running in the woods, etc). Digging around in the dirt for insects. Basketball. Catching tadpoles. Oh sure we played dolls but I was fine doing that because that’s what we did as friends. I wanted to dig around for insects one day so we did. My best female friend wanted to play dolls one day so we did. That sort of thing. So, my exposure to other girls was also very limited. Once we got older and became teenagers things changed. I still liked the things viewed as boyish at the times. Video games especially. While she went off and became a cheerleader and makeup and dresses. I didn’t really get it but I tried to. We just sorta drifted off. I didn’t like makeup or dressing up. I preferred being in the woods, playing video games, writing now, etc, etc.

So as a child I never really saw a huge difference between boys and girls, because my friends and I all did the same sort of things regardless of boy/girl. And until I was 11, one of my closest companions was my brother and we played video games all the time and watched sci fi and wrestled and did all sorts of what was viewed as typically boyish at the time. My parents never told me to stop because I was a girl. They never told me I needed to be more ladylike. They let me be me. And so I just never really questioned it. I was me.

As a teenager I hated everything about me. My body. My periods. But I thought that was normal. Teens are supposed to hate their bodies. I was gaining weight and becoming fat so of course I was supposed to hate my body.

I mostly played video games. I made up stories with my new best friend, over the phone (sort of like RPGs just without dice and character sheets). In those stories I eventually drifted into only playing male characters which should have kinda clued me in but nope. I was a dense person. I still am, really.

As a teenager with more exposure to the world via internet and more media it still didn’t seem like anything was /wrong/ with me. All my feelings of self hatred were obviously normal. And without any exposure to trans people, it just never really came up in my mind, not even when I was playing male characters in the stories, or making male accounts online.

I think... as an adult everything sort of... became buried. I was heavily denying something was wrong. I knew more about LGBT+, I knew a bit more about transgender, but that couldn’t be me, I was a good Christian girl. In my 20s any thought of being trans just was immediately buried. I know that with some trans men they sometimes go through the ‘lesbian’ phase. But I never really felt attracted to girls so I didn’t have that. I did eventually start identifying as asexual because oh god sex is SO GROSS. (But now that I know I am trans I don’t know if I am asexual or gay, because.... like... is sex gross because sex is gross? Or is sex gross because I don’t have the right parts? that’s something I’m gonna sort out later).

So it’s just like, so much coming together for why I never realized.

Fun fact, both my mom and my second closest friend (we’ve been friends since I was like 17, 18, and I know him outside the internet) were not shocked when I told them I am transgender.

My mom said she’s wondered on and off because of things I say and do and just ‘general mom-feelings’.

My friend said when I came out as asexual to him, he had assumed I was coming out as transgender when I said I had something important about myself to share. He hasn’t told me why though. I’m hoping he tells me. It made me happy when he said that.

So anyway, sorry that’s so long but that is most of it. There are a couple other things I don’t feel comfortable sharing that contributed to me realizing... and I’m sure there are things I forgot to throw in there xD

[autumn-in-phandom]

Pregnancy Terminology with Dan & Phil

I was on my third re-watch of Louise’s collab with the boys when I thought why not make time stamps!

0:01 Their sofa is so oddly asymmetrical, I noticed it in Dan’s video, but it didn’t seem like the thing to mention. So I’m saying it now, it is weird. 0:05 Dan’s little Sprinkle of Glitter jingle got shut down 0:10 Rebranding, “Dan is SNOT on fire”- Phil, fake crying from Dan. 0:15 Phil will never stop being Amazing 0:30 “We both touched the butt.”- Dan “Dan touched the butt.”- Phil  (giggles from Louise and me) 0:38 Phil can’t help calling out to the baby 0:40 “What kind of influence are we having on this child right now?”- Dan (I can’t help picturing them as uncles or godfathers.) 0:43 “Come on Phil.”- says a very fond Dan. Phil is giggling so much. 0:44 “I’m making her excited for life. Come out!”- says a Phil that I am very fond of 0:50 Louise is already done with these two dorks. 1:33 I don’t know why it cracks me up so much but Phil’s “I like to think I know a few things about the birds and the bees.” And the way Dan looks at him, gets me every time (I watched this three times before even beginning the notes/time stamping) 1:45 “Do I need to put your socks on later?” Phil to Louise 

More below, in sections by term!

1:55 “Gestation” 2:02 Phil can’t say “period” without laughing 2:10 “The little egg-sperm”- Phil 2:20 “Imagine you’re like baking a cake”- Phil 2:24 Definition 2:28 Phil makes sure we know he’s not a total idiot 2:33 “Ding ding ding.”-Louise “Ding.”- Phil “Wow.”- Dan 2:38 “Placenta” Phil defers immediately to Dan who has to explain his random humor to Louise. 2:58 Dan sharing accurate information about placenta 3:02 Several references to using and consuming placenta going forward 3:23 Afterbirth “landslide” delivery 3:41 “Alright, did it, let’s do an omelette.”- Dan 3:45 Freeze dried placenta pills 3:46 “Ohh I thought you were going to say sprinkled on cereal your cereal or something like that.”- Phil 3:53 “Ya could. Açaí berry and placenta sprinkles.”- Dan 3:56 “Fundal Height” 3:59 “That’s a sex act.”- Dan says really confidently 4:01 “Right babe, should we do the old fundal height?” Dan says complete with finger motions. Phil glancing at Dan. 4:30 Actual definition 4:40 Dan says a very quiet “Good guess” to Phil. 4:45 “Good guess, Phil.”- says a very supportive Dan “Thank you. Do I get that one?”- asks Phil, who only made a guess based on the word height. “Yeah, totally. I think so.”- says Dan, who guessed a sex act, so you know Phil was much closer. 4:50 Not a sex position, in case anyone needed clarification 4:55 “Episiotomy” “Ooo”- Phil is immediately intrigued and guesses: “I think that’s when you take a picture of the baby...” and Dan lets out a laugh, knowing that’s not it at all. 5:07 “Isn’t that to do with a rude... area?”- Dan 5:10 “You can say vagina. Vagina’s not rude it’s part of a woman’s body.”- Louise 5:15 “Does it just mean vagina though, or is it like surrounding area?” 5:20 Science and linguistic dads work out the meaning. 5:36 Definition. This whole section, Phil’s wide eyes and rapt attention and saying “yeah” to Louise’s “if your baby is coming out of your vagina”. He’s totally visualizing it. 5:47 You put it back in.”- Phil 5:50 The horror 6:02 “You don’t want to have like a vagina to butt... hole.”- Dan 6:06 “The diagonal escape route is much preferred.”- Dan 6:14 “Oh no! You thought she was going to give you a Haribo something.”- Phil whom I love. 6:18 “Imagine someone cutting your bellend.”- Louise using British slang for the head of the penis. (The firs of two things I learned from this video.) 6:28 “Two become one”- Louise sings. 6:36 “You can’t be grossed out by this stuff. We’ve all been born.”- Dan 6:40 “Waterbirth” 6:43 “Where you do it in a pool.”- sassy Dan 6:45 “You get into a big swimming pool and release the baby.”- Phil 6:50 Discussion of baby’s breathing underwater. No the umbilical cord is not a long nose Phil. Babies cannot be fish, whales, tiny dolphins or Aquaman. *Note: newborns have died from being submerged underwater for too long by negligent people. 7:22 “Mucus Plug” 7:25 “What?!” from Phil and giggles from Dan, turning into cracking up 7:28 “It’s all great. Biology is beautiful.”- Dan with side eye to Louise and more laughter. “Look at you.” Says Louise. 7:45 Just get Dani Snot On Fire to snort out some mucus over your episiotomy. 8:00 Definition 8:15 “Slime.”- Dan 8:20 “The literal cock block. If you wanna do it.”- Um not quite Dan... 8:25 “Colostrum” 8:28 “That means butt.”- Dan, “Butt.”- Phil echoes 8:33 “What’s a ‘trum’ Phil? That’s what we have to work out right now.”- Dan once again consulting with his linguistics major boyfriend. 8:40 “Trumm” they both sound out. “It’s an instrument.”- Dan who does an excellent trumpet imitation. 8:43 “It’s when if you’ve got twins they both come out at the same time.”- Jesus Christ, Phil. 8:57 “How big are the the vaginas you’ve seen in your life?”- Louise asks Phil, who clearly thinks lady’s can just have double doors, maybe French ladies do. No he rationalizes that “twins are smaller aren’t they?” 9:10 Definition: “the stuff that comes out of your boobies...” classy Louise 9:20 “You can sell that on eBay.”- Phil 9:21 “Boob nectar”- Dan (nipple nectar would have been so much better) 9:30 How does the boob know? 9:36 “Come on guys, let’s get some milkshake on.”- no Phil 9:42 “I love how shit you are at this.”- me too Louise 9:43 “Neonate” 9:44 “That sounds like something alien.”- classic Phil Phil explains its when you have an alien pregnancy, Louise says not many people have alien pregnancies, Phil counters quietly “You’d think that, but they do.” 9:53 How does Dan not know that neo means new? 10:02 Linguistics boyfriend is no help. “It’s when the guy from the Matrix has a baby.” 10:10 Definition 10:13 New baby, yay Dan, applause 10:20 Doula 10:22 “That’s not easy!”- Phil 10:30 “That’s a pop star isn’t it? ”- former BBC Radio 1 present Dan Howell 10:40 “It’s a part of the vagina that’s kept secret... until you need to use it.”- Dan whom I love 10:44 “A secret one?”- Phil who though vaginas were already confusing enough 10:50 Belly button popping 10:56 Definition 11:08 “Mother of Mothers”, “Mother of Dragons”, “Khaleesi.” 11:12 “I could be your doula.” Says Phil to Louise as he starts massaging her upper arm. Louise does not want Phil to be her doula. Acknowledges Phil has a *shred* more general knowledge, but thinks Dan is calmer. Phil agrees he wouldn’t stay calm. “It’s crowning!” after one minute. 11:44 “Jaws of destruction”- that’s a nice visual Dan 11:55 Phil would put a towel down if Louise went into labor here. 12:12 “We’d make you a warm bath, light some candles, not scented, cause that would like, be too stimulating (very good Dan). We’d hold your hands, call the ambulance-“ “And then I’d feed you a curry while it arrives.”- Phil, providing good inspiration for mpreg fics. 12:30 “Perineal Massage” bonus round 12:33 “Perineal is yer gooch”- Dan providing the second bit of slang I didn’t know. 12:42 The origin of the four finger and elbow massage we saw from Louise’s vlog. 13:16 Duct tape reinforcing suggestion from Phil. Super glue? No. 13:40 “Lower, lower, lower, lower.”- Dan getting very into it with his tongue. 13:51 “I’m so glad that I’m not having a baby with either of you.”- Louise 13:53 “Sorry.”- Dan “Thanks.”- Phil 13:55 “Although I think you’d be like great dads. (“Thank you.”- Phil) like in a Three Men in a Baby.”- Louise 14:06 “Philippa’s a strong name.”- Phil (I’m getting horrible Philippa video flashbacks) 14:20 Dan is delighted at her boy name choice of Daniel, Phil feels slighted. 14:30 “It’s on the list” Dan mouths with finger quotes. 14:44 The boys can be better friends and offer perineal massages to prevent episiotomies, “help it out, get the scissors”- Phil, “get some curry.”- what Dan is now expecting from Phil. 14:52 “I will be your- doula.” Dan nods so awkwardly proud of himself. 15:05 That smile Phil gives Dan when Louise says “anything else you want promote.” 15:07 “I want to promote their happiness.”- Wholesome Howell

[directorscutandsomeotherstuff]

The Battle at Hu Lao Gate

(Welcome to Director’s Cut, the segment where we beat up peasants in the hundreds and then beat up hundreds more. Today, let’s go back to classic literature.)

(Romance of the Three Kingdoms is one of China’s most well-known works of literature, alongside such things as “Journey to the West” and [author’s note: look up another work of classic Chinese literature before publishing this post. Preferably an obscure one that wasn’t turned into an anime or video game, so I look super smart and cool.] It’s a mythologized account of the Three Kingdoms period of Chinese history, written fully a millennium after the fact, that blends together historical fact, artistic license, and the sort of Confucian and Legalistic philosophical discussions that, even today, captures the interest of those people whose eyes wouldn’t immediately glaze over at having to read an eight hundred thousand word long book.)

(Clearly, for those with such a scholarly mindset, it’s only fitting to think that people might try and use the medium of fanfiction to render their personal interpretation of the lofty concepts of Chinese philosophy and... oh, wait, what? You’re saying that’s not what false-colors, the author of this work, was trying to do? You’re saying they just played Dynasty Warriors a bunch and decided to make a fanfic of the video game, and just dropped it in the category for the work of 14th century literature? Yeah, that sounds about right. Let’s dig in, yeah?)

THE BATTLE AT HU LAO GATE Disclaimer: No, I didn't think up or make the "Dynasty Warriors" series, the video game company Koei did, well they didn't really think it up, all the battles in the game really happen back in early AD time in China, they just made it into a video game, and a great one at that. (That wasn’t a run on sentence. That was a thousand li somersaulting sentence.) Author's notes: The Battle at Hu Lao Gate really did happen. I think, but not at all like this. Like the character Xiahou Dun. who was a real person.I think, he probably wasn't even in the Battle at Hu Lao Gate, and in this story he dies which isn't true, he died way latter. (Significantly latter. What little I could find in five minutes of searching says he probably died decades latter.) There are also a couple other characters that probably weren't in this battle, but I am positive that the character Lu Bu was. (Again, what little I could find in a quick search seems to suggest the battle of Hulao Gate didn’t even happen. It may be mentioned in the book, and it’s certainly in the game, but whenever I do a search, half the results say it’s fake, and the other half link me to Dynasty Warriors)  Also Dong Zhuo's army didn't win that battle Cao Cao's alliance did. Also if you don't have the game, just to help you out, there are 3 armies the "Wei", "Wu" and "Shu". This battle only involves the Wei. Winter, 191 AD a few years after The Yellow Turban Rebellion where Xiahou Dun defeated the magical Zhang Jiao, the trader Dong Zhuo has gained too much power over the land in China; (using the power of sensible trade deals and commodity management. Also, he was a traitor. A traitor!)  Coa Coa (the Wei supreme general) has formed an alliance against him. The battle to over-throw Dong Zhuo begins now. Xiahou Dun (a Wei general), wheeling his enormous Kirin Sword, is preparing his troops for battle. (His troops exchange glances, wondering who should be the first to tell Xiahou Dun that, if he needs to cart his sword around in a wheelbarrow, it’s probably too heavy for him to use properly.) Dong Zhuo's troops have already taken control of the gate and are camped south of it in his castle. The first wave of Wei troops are fighting at the gate, while Xiahou Dun cuts his way through to the back entrance. (His troops also resent being sent to battle while they’re still preparing for it. Xiahou Dun was the worst general in China.) Blow after blow Dong Zhuo's troops drop to the group until none are standing. Stabbing the last one blocking his path from the top of the gate through the heart, he steps on to the gate to only be faced with five bowmen, which he cuts down easily. (Luckily for Xiahou Dun’s men, Dong Zhou’s troops were trained from day one to do absolutely nothing to defend themselves, when soldiers attacked.) "We will jump down and attack them.", he yelled to his bodyguards. And with a swoop they leaps from the gate wall to the ground gracefully. (And then they landed, falling to the cold ground in a mass of broken legs and cracked skulls. Xiahou Dun spared himself by landing on one of his bodyguards.) Dong Zhuo's troops were everywhere, but he was much stronger then them, and he slashed through each one decapitating some and just leaving gapping cuts in others. The few generals that were there put up some fight for him, but still were no match. (It was truly the most exciting battle ever, with one side being categorically superior and not even feeling a hint of adversity.) And after the last one was cut down the gates were pried open and revealed yet another massive riot of Dong Zhuo troops.  Far off Dian Wei has started the battle with Lu Bu, one of the greatest warriors in China who favored his Lunar Spear and was crushing Dian Wei's troops with it. (”Damn,” said Dian Wei. “I’ve fought many warriors in China who favored his Lunar Spear and was crushing my troops with it, but this Lu Bu guy is, without a doubt, one of the greatest warriors in China who ever favored a specific weapon and is currently using it to crush my troops.”) It seemed no one was a match for Lu Bu, also the most feared warrior in China. He had already wiped out the two Wei generals camped south of the Hu Lao Gate near the castle and all the troops with them. (They didn’t even get a shot in. It’s almost like they just sort of stood there like idiots and let Lu Bu kill them, just so he could rack up a kill counter.) He was not far from the Wei Base in the north and not far from where Xiahou Dun was fighting. The enemy has been defeated near the Hu Lao Gate; bodies lie scattered and bloody all over the ground. Xiahou Dun has gotten word of Lu Bu, and orders not to go after him, but to go to the castle and defeat Dong Zhuo. He refuses. "No! I must destroy Lu Bu. There will be time for Dong Zhuo latter.", Xiahou Dun says. "But general, our lord has ordered us to attack the castle, we must.", says the messenger. Cutting him off, "If I don't kill Lu Bu now he will destroy us in the next battle", says Xiahou Dun.

(”No, we’ll be fine,” the messenger tried to reassure. “He’s only killing unnamed generals and soldiers. We crate those guys in by the gross, specifically for named characters to cut down. It’s a tradition, here in China.”) Xiahou rides off on a stolen enemy horse. He is headed toward the gate in the north were Dian Wei is. Lu Bu is there and has destroyed most of Dian Wei's troops and has severally injured Dian Wei. (”Damn,” said Dian Wei. “I’m not just singly injured. Or even like, couply injured. I’m like... severally injured.”) As Xiahou Dun arrives Dian Wei is retreating toward him battered and bloody. He says to Xiahou Dun in an almost dead voice: "Don't fight him, he is to powerful, he will kill you, run away! NOW!" Dian Wei falls to the ground and is carried away by his few remaining guards. Xiahoiu Dun approaches Lu Bu who is unhurt despite his battle with Dian Wei and the other generals. He is riding his horse Red Hare, the fastest horse in the land that only listens to him. (”Damn,” said Xiahou Dun, picking up where the brave Dian Wei had left off. “I’ve seen a lot of horses that only listen to Lu Bu, but that one has to be the fastest horse in China that only listens to Lu Bu.”) They begin to speak. "I have come to fight you, I hear you are a good general", says Xiahou Dun. "You pitiful fool, I will destroy you and the rest of your army.", says Lu Bu. "After I take your head I will then take Dong Zhuo's.", Xiahou Dun Says. "Well you are going to have to fight for it.", Lu Bu says as he slashes at Xiahou Dun Knocking him off his horse. With a flip in mid air Xiahou Dun is back on his feet and tries to cut at Lu Bu on his horse but he flips of at that same moment and the fight begins. Xiahou strikes first with a combination of five hits, all blocked, and then he charges up for a powerful swipe that should have sent Lu Bu Flying but only knocked him off balance. (Trust me on this. It defied the laws of physics, this exchange.) Lu Bu comes back with a few hit that are blocked by Xiahou Dun's mighty sword, (actually, it was mostly by the wheelbarrow it was being held in, but Xiahou gets testy when you bring that up.) but the last one sends him to the ground. This gives Lu Bu a chance to charge up and strike his Lunar Spear in to the ground creating a small earthquake sending Xiahou Dun back to his knees. (From the ground? Did it knock him back up, and then drop him down to his knees?) The battle goes on like this for hours, (really stupidly.) hit after hit from each other only a few actually doing any damage. Until finally Xiahou Dun cannot go on, his attacks are only getting weaker and Lu Bu seems to only be pushing harder and harder. (Part of it might have been that unlike Xiahou Dun, Lu Bu actually thought to come to battle with a weapon he could actually carry.) Then with a mighty swoop Lu Bu trips the unsteady Xiahou Dun up into the air and strikes him down to his knees with the end of his spear. "No, I cannot go on.", says Xiahou Dun, "I am to weak, my lord Cao Cao, please forgive me" "You should have listen to Dian Wei and ran away.", says Lu Bu, "Now you will die" Lu Bu sunk his Lunar Spear into the center of Xiahou Dun's head, killing him instantly and leaving him limp in a pool of his own blood. Lu Bu rides away on Red Hare to The Hu Lao Gate where more of Dong Zhuo's troops accompany him. They destroy the Wei army in one great blow. (It was truly an epic battle, where nobody bothered to fight after the only competent soldier on the Wei side was killed. It was like knocking down scarecrows.) Lu Bu goes on to fight many more battles leading his own armies and defeating many great generals. He is eventually killed in battle, his armies destroyed and forever remembered as one of the greatest and feared warriors in China (who ever favored the Lunar Spear, had a horse named Red Hare who only listened to him, and who ever crushed Dian Wei’s troops. If you didn’t compare him using such ludicrously specific descriptors, however, he was actually kind of a shit fighter.).

[swearronchanel]

Who let me watch 5.06?

I should be doing an assignment that’s due tomorrow but ya know due tomorrow means do tomorrow. Lol I know I should be ashamed to be a procrastinator but university has ruined me anyway. I’m tired from literally going to one lecture haha, but in any event I’ve been rewatching mad men for the who knows what time but I thought I’d take a break from all that and watch an episode of CtM & @flyingnonny inspired me to do a reaction post so why not? I decided on 5.06 since last Sunday’s episode reminded us of that camping trip 😂😂  here goes nothing.. 

*skips intro bc I’m impatient*

Cute community moment ☺️

TRIXIE😍 slaying my life

Shelagh looks so good too 😍 and Angela melting my heart!

Why is shelagh forever wearing cardigans? I like cardigans every now and then but all the time, really?

Everyone is sitting outside, Trixie is in a sleeveless dress, as is Barbara, so it has to be warm?? take it off Shelagh

She’s still my bby though even if I don’t always agree with her fashion choices

what gross vejo pinching Trixie’s ass? That’s not ok

And Babs too lmao, creepy old man, die

Shelagh saying “hello dear” aw

But this is like the only interaction between Shelagh and Trixie & that does not suffice !!

ALL I WANT IS FOR THEM TO HAVE AN ACTUAL FRIENDSHIP IDC HOW MANY TIMES IVE SAID IT I REALLY Want it😭😭💕💕 my two fav bbys

I HAVE EVEN GIVEN REASONS WHY & I CAN GIVE THEM AGAIN ***        1) Why not?? Shelagh has like no real friends besides her husband and sort of Sister Julienne?                                                 

 2) just please, because I’m asking nicely                                                     3) When Shelagh was Sister Bernadette she was often friendly/ in the gossip and conversation with the nurses & remember that one time Trixie grabbed her to come listen to Jenny’s phone conversation?               

4) Trixie was the only one besides Sister Julienne to visit her in the sanatorium. That has to count for something!                                             5) They’ve both been on the show since day 1 & have known each other the longest (besides the nuns) why wouldn’t they be friends or least actually speak to each other?

Aye this is the lady who’s fake pregnant

Shelagh wearing earrings though >> here for it

Sorry there will be a lot of gushing over Shelagh and Trixie

And also I WANT TRIXIE’S HOOP EARRINGS SO BAD, where can I find them??

And how do I get her clothes and figure and her everything lol?

PHYLLIS ! My champion

“Would it have killed you to sit down for five minutes and eat the whole thing!” I LOVE HER, SHE IS A GEM, A HERO, A BADASS & IM NOT READY FOR SUNDAY. IM GOING TO BAWL WITH AND FOR HER

she deserves the best

I think this is the only time I’ve ever heard Trixie address Shelagh by her first name?? a prob.

They need to interact more 😭💔💕😍 I will stop saying it when I’m dead even then I’ll prob say it

Actually when I think of it no one ever calls Shelagh by her first name besides obviously Patrick? And Sister Julienne

#MoreShelaghAndTheOtherNursesInteracting2k17aka1962

And I need at least two seconds of them dotting on pregnant Shelagh

Helen looks so good like goals

“I threatened to put one man over my knee but that only encouraged him” HA IM DEAD NO KINK SHAME

I think there’s been a similar joke before but fuck it it’s still funny to me

But seriously everyone loves Trixie lol how could you not though?

Hey Pats, it’s been a while

Lol omg Tim in that uniform.. Not the best costume 😂😂

Never seen Whistle Down the Wind

But you see, Tom and Babs making out as usual, I’m not knocking it lol but this is why Sister J told her to chill when they went to South Africa😂

also lowkey jealous bc Jack Ashton is handsome af and that could’ve been me but it’s all good. He and Helen are adorable together and I’m here for it x10000

Omg I forgot this lady got assaulted

Oh shit I just remembered this is the episode where sister MC is attacked FUCK WHY DID I WATCH THIS

she can’t report it bc she’d get arrested for soliciting wtf

But remember Shelagh wore the headbands in like series 3 (so glad she stopped I was not here for it)? They must’ve gave them to Babs lol

I forgot Trixie didn’t tell the nurses about AA yet

But she looks gorgeous as ever, even with her mascara running

Lowkey nauseas looking at all that fish ugh. Funny becuase they put a grocery store that has a fish market on the block up from where I live in NYC and I hate it  

I forgot about Peter lol and he was in an episode this series whoops

LIKE WHERE’S YOUR WIFE LOL, *I know, too busy for this, I don’t think she’d fit in the series anymore anyway*

Sister Mary Cynthia 😰❣️

Lol she doesn’t sing loud enough ??

Sister Julienne is so cute when she smiles but don’t forget she’s a badass

REMEMBER THE AGGRESSIVE JACKET FLAP BC OF THE IRRITATING SISTER URSULA

How did this girl hide her pregnancy though?

And did her brothers just not realize she was pregnant and the mother wasn’t?

Oh jeez my cousin was a colic-y baby and my parents kept him like 3 days a week when I was in high school & it was a nightmare. I didn’t sleep for so long

Dont get me wrong I love babies. But when they scream when I’m trying to sleep, nope. Return to sender.

Shelagh is so excited about camping it’s the purest and most adorable thing 😭😭And I like her shirt  

Shelagh made Tim copy the napkin folding from a magazine, SHE IS A GEM

“We never have serviettes on a weeknight” wtf did they just not use napkins every day? I’m confused Lmaoo. What am I missing here 😂omg that reminds me of one of the times my family and I went on a cruise (2006, hella long time ago already wow?? 11 yrs yikes) and my brother & cousin were late to dinner and lied to my mom & aunt saying they were at a “napkin folding class” & my family deadass believed it up until 2 years ago😂

Shelagh’s accent is so cute. I’ve said that many times but it’s so sweet. But again why do we just have to accept she’s Scottish with no context as to how/why she came to England? Like I’m sure there were convents in Scotland. I dont even care that much I just will forever be curious as to why it seems she had no life before she got married lol? Like they don’t ever bring up the fact she was a nun, but ok maybe she feels awkward talking about it but what about before? 

They’re so excited it’s so precious, protect this family 😂😭💕💕

Sister MJ is fasting lol I should try it😂

Omg another dumb story, I didn’t realize today is Ash Wednesday and was hella confused seeing some people with ash on their forehead 😂😂 I should give up something for lent but idk what, we shall see. My mom gave up carbs last year & I died bc I lived at home and ate what she cooked and almost all my fav foods are carbs😂

Shelagh referred to Patsy as Patsy, I’ve only ever heard her say Nurse Mount??

lol Tim you’re what 14? you know damn well those arent* bullet holes

at least he has some of his innocence still. I didn’t @ 14

Sometimes I forget I’m gonna be 19 this year wtf. I’ve accidentally told people I’m 16 before and had to correct myself 😂😂

Patrick is excited about this holiday, boy you don’t know what’s coming 😂

HE’S GONNA ATTACK THE LADY WITH A BABY I FORGOT THAT TOO WTF

I wanna fight him

Diane’s anemic ? Or her mum is just assuming

SHELAGH IN HER CAMPING OUTFIT!! The hair scarf and trousers !! I’m so here for it 😍😭

I want to see her in another pair!! yes lets get it 1962. Probably not likely this series but hopefully next series!! Ah can’t wait

Shit this series is almost over 💔💔 but omg 1963 gonna be lit as well?!

Like the space race started/orbiting the earth, Kennedy’s assassination .. wait never mind lol I’m thinking of American History moments. but still a lot of it was crazy world news so maybe it’s mentioned?? first bond film came out in'63, petition for Tim to go take Susan whatever from around the corner to see it since we know he liked the novels

Lots of famous films came out in ‘63 so there’s gotta be some reference.

Fun fact: I love pop culture references in period drama bc I’m lame jk I’m majoring in education (to teach history)

Old news but still relevant: Phyllis’s turn on: Rolodex systems 📇

“CRANE, as in the wading bird or industry lifting equipment, whichever you prefer” LOVE U PHYLLIS, YOU CORRECT HIM

PHYLLIS’S FACE WHEN GODFREY SUGGESTS SHE CAME OUT OF RETIREMENT, IM DEAD

“I shall consider retirement when I’m at the appropriate age”  IM LAUGHING SO HARD, FUCK YEA PHYLLIS. I LOVE HER SO MUCH, LINDA BASSET IS ON THE LIST WITH LAURA AND HELEN OF PEOPLE WHO COULD PUCH ME IN THE FACE AND I’D THANK

LOL SHELAGH JUST STANDING AWKWARDLY LISTENING TO THIS CONVERSATION

“Buenos vacaciones”  I NEED MORE PHYLLIS WORKING ON HER SPANISH I LOVE IT, Ella es oro.

lol the roof rack, bet it was Phyllis’s they borrowed when they moved

PHYLLIS’S FACE OF DISGUST WHEN DR GODFREY SMILES AT HER IS ME ALWAYS

LOL THE THE NURSES & SISTER WINIFRED DYING OVER PATRICK’S SHORTS (EVen though sister W “swears she’s not looking”)

I THINK THE SOCKS AND WHITE DAD SANDALS ARE MORE AMUSING 😂😂

Poor Judith💔

It’s a vicious attack Sister J! But you don’t know it yet so I get u

Here comes summer..😂

SETTING UP IN THE POURING RAIN LOL

Shelagh and Angela being adorable !!

Tim and Patrick proud that  they set the tents up & boom it falls 😂 which is symbolic for me taking exams, I think I did well or at least decent on them and then I find out I failed by like 5 points

Nonnatus table scenes <3 😭

”I’ve seen more dangerous marshmallow bunnies“ lmao Pats this is a serious moment I shouldn’t laugh

Shelagh took off her glasses 😉😏 but fr how is Laura Main so perfect

Patrick put scotch in its lit, pass it over😏

Lol Shelagh drinking is a strange thought but I’m so here for it. Nuns can’t drink right? Idk. Imagine her drinking alcohol for the first time and just getting drunk 😂 we know Patrick and Tim are lightweights getting drunk off one beer so I assume shelagh would too😂

Damn it Patrick, you spilled your cup. Furthermore proving you’re a disaster 😭

LMAO SHELAGH’s “WTF” FACE WHEN SHE ASKS PATRICK WHAT HE’S THINKING ABOUT AND HE SAID THE ULCER CLINIC

LIKE C'MON PATRICK YOU KNOW WHERE SHELAGH WAS TRYNA GO WITH THAT😂

“And if you don’t mind my saying so, you’re not exactly Cliff Richards yourself” SHELAGH 😂😂 another great line of hers, love it

I love their playful banter lol we need more of that 😂 but lets be real series 6 has had some of the greatest Shelagh and Patrick moments so I can’t complain 😭😍

Peter and Barbara is such a unusual dynamic haha

“How is chummy?” Wait does Babs even know Chummy? I don’t even remember if they met tbh

But for real Shelagh did you really think Patrick would just forget about work completely ??

Lol Angela crying because she is petrified of squirrels😂😂and Shelagh running to her is so cute.

Why didn’t she just get rid of the *creepy* squirrel nutkin book? it seemed like they still had it in series 6 haha

rice pudding is I think the same as aroz con leche, lol it’s gross sorry

Diane’s water broke oh shit

the Turners all in the tent playing I spy bc it’s raining haha

I went camping for the first and last time this past summer w/ my sister in laws & her friends, it was awful 😂😂 I got like 100 mosquito bites that became welts, i literally slept in the car the second night & it was mid July fairly south of east coast aka it was humid and sticky af , there were wild horses that walked around..Thank God they brought alcohol cause it was a nightmare I don’t wanna remember 😂😂

ANGELA IS SO CUTE UGH & ANOTHER GREAT SHELAGH FACE😂

lol yes go to a hotel, should’ve done that from the get

So what exactly does Fred run? some civil defense thing?

She’s in labor and can’t even scream omg, I’m screaming

“They are often incorrect in their opinion” Sister MJ is a gem. I want someone to look at me the way Sister MJ looks at cake and the television

Phyllis yelling at Dr Godfrey😂

PATS’S FACE OF DISGUST IS ALSO ME

HOW DO THESE WOMEN GIVE BIRTH STANDING/SITTING UP?? AHHHH

There you are Beatrix, it’s been a while

Patsy being suspicious with the card game line lol. but when is Trixie going to find out about Patsy and Delia?

SHE RIPPED OUT HER WOMB?! WTF OMG IM SCREAMING

THIS HURTS TO WATCH AHH

Trixie and Sister MC to the rescue but omg this is wild I forgot

Fred wtf you can’t be sneaking up like that

DONT LEAVE SISTER MC ALONE TRIXIE

NOO, IM NOT PREPARED FOR THIS

“There are flowers on the table, and feathers in these pillows, that’s all the nature I need to get back to” I feel you Patrick lol, I like nature but not camping

Lol remember Shelagh’s old nightgown? ah I don’t miss it. The bri nylon is such a look™ & obviously has magically powers i.e this miraculous conception.

“..or they’ve been mulled to death by squirrels” IM DEAD HAHA THAT WAS A GOOD DAD JOKE, NICE ONE PATRICK

aw the baby is so precious

Why is the operating room/being in surgery called theatre in the U.K.?? and why is the doctor’s office/practice called the surgery? so many questions from a confused American..

Sister MC by the docks😭💔 she was just chillin with God and THIS HORRIBLE MAN RUINS EVERYTHING WTF UGH

Oh no

SISTER MC JUST UNCONSCIOUS ON THE DOCKS WTF IM CRYING WHY WOULD HURT HER

Patrick even if you were there she wouldn’t have called you, don’t blame urself

it’s not your arrogance sister MC!!

“don’t you even say the word fault, do you hear me, I won’t allow it” 😭💔 it’s NOT your fault sister MC 😰

I forgot how upset/hurt this episode makes me

“The worst thing is that I actually stopped to pray…” my heart hurts

You can’t even blame her for being angry😪

Judith you’re not a bad mother!! This isn’t your fault either

Sister MJ IN THE BATHROOM WITH HER😢😢💔💔 I’m c r y i n

I SAID PROTECT THEM AT ALL COSTS WHY DID THEY HURT ME LIKE THIS

Everyone so quiet at the table..

ILL FOREVER BE PROUD OF HOW BRAVE SISTER MC IS FOR SPEAKING UP FOR HER AND THE OTHER VICTIMS💖😭💔

Russian prison tats??

“I thought at first it was a test of faith, but it was a test of strength. I can bear more than I ever though I could and I can bear it for others because my strength is a gift, from him..” brb sobbing

I feel so bad for Mrs Hills bc I understand she thought she was doing the right thing and was trying to protect her daughter from the stigma & judgment from having a baby born outta wedlock 😭

But damn she almost killed her & now she can’t have any more kids

“I’m a mum, mum” Aw

lol I want children (obviously not anytime soon) but if I do Ima be shook for the rest of my life. Like my kids will  be like grown & I’ll still wake up like wtf I had them?  Lmaoo

SHELAGH’S GREY DRESS >>😍

Patrick jumping on the bed was cute lol

The Turners being cute and an unrealistically perfect family together as usual

Trixie 😍off to her AA💕

“I think it’s about time I came clean..”

Im so proud of her omg. She’s come so far in 6 series 😭💖💖😭

And Patsy and Delia are supportive yess👏🏼

“New truths were being spoken at Nonnatus house, but some remained concealed. While one voice rose, striving to erase its agony in song.”

Thanks Vanessa,, The End 😭

[oscopelabs]

Personality Crisis: The Radical Fluidity of Todd Haynes’ ‘Velvet Goldmine’ by Judy Berman

[This month, Musings pays homage to Produced and Abandoned: The Best Films You’ve Never Seen, a review anthology from the National Society of Film Critics that championed studio orphans from the ‘70s and ‘80s. In the days before the Internet, young cinephiles like myself relied on reference books and anthologies to lead us to film we might not have discovered otherwise. Released in 1990, Produced and Abandoned was a foundational piece of work, introducing me to such wonders as Cutter’s Way, Lost in America, High Tide, Choose Me, Housekeeping, and Fat City. (You can find the full list of entries here.) Over the next four weeks, Musings will offer its own selection of tarnished gems, in the hope they’ll get a second look. Or, more likely, a first. —Scott Tobias, editor.]

Like the glam rockers it gazes upon through the smoke-clouded lens of memory, Velvet Goldmine is most beautiful when it descends into chaos.

Stolen, the way great artists do, from Citizen Kane, the skeleton of Todd Haynes’ 1998 film is a chain of interlocking reminiscences of Brian Slade (Jonathan Rhys Meyers), a David Bowie-like glam rocker who fakes his own onstage death in the mid-’70s. A decade later—in that most dystopic of years, 1984—his ex-wife Mandy (Toni Collette) and former manager Cecil (Michael Feast) relate their bitter tales of betrayal to a journalist (Christian Bale) whose assignment has him reluctantly reliving his own teenage sexual awakening under the influence of Brian’s music. Between the interviews, musical numbers, and onscreen epigrams, there’s also a mysterious female narrator who sometimes surfaces, like a teacher reading a subversive storybook, with dreamy exposition that reaches back a century to invoke glam’s patron saint, Oscar Wilde.

The film climaxes with a propulsive sequence of scenes that are exhilarating precisely because they merge all of these points of view, subjective and omniscient, into one collective fantasy. Brian and his new conquest, the Iggy Pop/Lou Reed composite Curt Wild (Ewan McGregor), ride mini spaceships at a carnival to Reed’s “Satellite of Love.” Two random schoolgirls, their faces obscured, act out a love scene between a Curt doll and a Brian doll. In a posh hotel lobby, Brian’s entourage, styled like Old Hollywood starlets on the Weimar Germany set of a fin-de-siècle period film, recites pilfered sound bites about art. Then Brian and Curt are kissing on a circus stage, surrounded by old men in suits. They play Brian Eno’s “Baby’s on Fire” as Haynes cuts between the performance, an orgy in their hotel suite, and Bale’s hapless, young Arthur Stuart masturbating over a newspaper photo of Brian fellating Curt’s guitar. Stripped of narration—not to mention narrative—the film seems to be running on its own amorous fumes, its story fragmenting into a heap of glittering images as it hurtles from set piece to set piece.

Visual pleasure aside, it’s a perfect way of translating into cinematic language the argument that underlies Haynes’ script—that glam’s revelations about the radical fluidity of human identity go far beyond sex and gender. As the apotheosis of teen pop audiences’ thirst for outsize personae, fictional characters like Ziggy Stardust (who Velvet Goldmine further fictionalizes as Slade’s alter ego, Maxwell Demon) melded the symbiotic identities of artist and fan into a single, tantalizing vision of hedonism and transgression. Kids imitated idols they didn’t quite recognize as pure manifestations of their own inchoate desires. Musician and fan became each other’s mirror, and both could become entirely new people simply by changing costumes or names.

But it’s pretty much impossible to imagine Velvet Goldmine’s distributor and co-producer, Harvey Weinstein, appreciating this as he watched the film for the first time—or seeing anything in it, really, besides an expensive mess.

Haynes and his loyal producing partner, Killer Films head Christine Vachon, had already been through hell with Velvet Goldmine by the time they delivered a cut to Miramax. Bowie had refused Haynes’ repeated requests for permission to use six Ziggy-era songs in the film, claiming that he had a glam movie of his own in the works. And in a production diary that appears in her book Shooting to Kill, Vachon points out one unique challenge of making a film about queer male sexuality: “The MPAA seems to have a number of double standards. Naked females get R ratings, but pickle shots tend to get NC-17s. Our Miramax contract obligates us to an R.” She also mentions that an investor pulled $1 million of funding just weeks before filming.

The shoot was even more harrowing than the two veteran indie filmmakers could’ve predicted. As they fell behind schedule, a production executive started nagging Vachon to make cuts. “Todd is miserable,” she wrote in her diary the night before they wrapped. “He says that making movies this way is awful and he doesn’t want to do it.” In an interview that accompanies the published screenplay for Velvet Goldmine, Oren Moverman asks Haynes, “Was the making of the film joyful for you?” “I’m afraid not,” he replies. “We were trying very hard to cut scenes while shooting, knowing that we were behind and we didn’t have the money for the overloaded schedule. But there was hardly a scene we could cut without losing essential narrative information.” It’s remarkable that he managed to capture 123 usable minutes’ worth of meticulously art-directed ‘70s excess (and ‘80s bleakness) in just nine weeks, under so much external pressure, on a budget of $7 million.

When the film finally reached Harvey Scissorhands, after months of editing, Weinstein told Haynes it was too long and the structure didn’t work. “He made suggestions that I didn’t follow, and then he just buried it,” the director told Down and Dirty Pictures author Peter Biskind. What happened next comes straight from the Weinstein playbook: “Even afterward,” Haynes remembered, “they threw out a DVD, they didn’t ask for a director commentary, my name wasn’t on the cover of it, it was buried in the minuscule billing block. He can’t even do the really small things that don’t cost anything—he never shows any respect.” (That Haynes never found a distributor he preferred to Weinstein, with whom he reunited for I’m Not There and Carol, speaks volumes about the way Hollywood treats ambitious filmmakers.)

After it failed to blow audiences away at the 1998 Cannes Film Festival, Miramax effectively dumped Velvet Goldmine. It debuted on just 85 screens that November, ultimately grossing about $1 million stateside. Its ridiculous theatrical trailer might well be a glimpse at the movie Weinstein was expecting: a “magical trip back to the ‘70s” with 100% more murder mystery and 100% less gay sex.

Critics were just as ambivalent about the film as festival audiences. While forward-thinking reviewers wanted to love it for its visual beauty and openly queer aesthetic, many lamented that its plot was slight and its characters hollow. David Ansen of Newsweek complained that “Haynes is unwilling to get too close to his characters. Slade, in particular, is a blank”—failing to see that Brian is a cypher by design. Like the Barbie-doll Karen Carpenter of Haynes’ debut feature, Superstar, and the fragments of Bob Dylan diffused across I’m Not There, Velvet Goldmine’s Bowie is less a portrait of the real person than a screen on which fans project their own fantasies about him.

At The Nation, Stuart Klawans rightly identified Arthur, not Brian, as the film’s protagonist. But he also wondered why he grows up to be such an unhappy adult. “Why is Haynes so tough on Arthur?” Klawans wanted to know. “Why, through the character, is he so tough on himself? It’s apparent everywhere in Velvet Goldmine that Haynes, like Arthur, loves Glitter Rock. He, too, fell for a mass-marketed product, which was no more likely than Mr. Clean to carry out a world-transforming promise. But instead of honoring the truth of his enthusiasm, so that he might look back on its object with a smile and a sigh…Haynes does penance for being a sap.”

Others found the film’s collage of ideas and allusions cumbersome. “Velvet Goldmine is weighed down with self-important messages, but it’s also splashily opulent,” Stephanie Zacharek wrote at Salon. “It’s as if Todd Haynes had plunged his hand into a pile of clothes at a jumble sale and come out with a handful that was half velvet finery, half polyester rejectables.”

All of these reactions make sense, coming from adult critics who had probably seen the film just once, after reading months’ worth of reports about its troubled birth, in the sterile environment of a press screening. But what’s clear from a distance of nearly two decades, during which Velvet Goldmine has become a low-key cult classic, is that few films are so poorly suited to be judged on the basis of a single dispassionate viewing. If you’re looking for tight plotting and complex characters, you’re not going to find them in this mixtape of music videos, aphorisms, and waking dream sequences. There is no actual murder mystery, and Arthur’s investigation into Slade’s disappearance isn’t a source of suspense so much as an excuse to keep contrasting an incandescent past with a dull, gray present.

I’m lucky enough to have first encountered Velvet Goldmine under what turned out to be ideal circumstances: at age 15, on premium cable, late enough at night that it easily bypassed my rational mind en route to my adolescent subconscious. I had no idea how many details it cribbed from the biographies of Bowie and his contemporaries, or how much of the dialogue was quoted from their (and their heroes’) most memorable utterances. I bought the soundtrack without realizing that it put ‘70s originals side-by-side with contemporary covers and new songs by younger bands like Pulp and Shudder to Think in yet another glam pastiche. It wouldn’t have occurred to me to find the 1984 scenes unsatisfying because I got so instantly immersed in the ‘70s spectacles that they barely existed for me.

Not that the film only works on an emotional level. Haynes’ ideas about fandom, politics, sexuality, and identity become even more profound once you can see the organizing principle behind what might initially seem like a jumble of indulgent images. Like the death hoax Brian Slade uses to escape a fantasy life that’s grown too real for comfort, Velvet Goldmine’s loose plot is classic misdirection, obscuring a tight and purposeful structure that delays the resolution of the ‘80s storyline until it’s primed you to feel the loss of the liberated ‘70s viscerally. But you’ll never get that far into dissecting the film if you don’t fall in love with it at first viewing. And that’s easiest to do when you’re as impressionable as young Arthur, who watches Brian Slade flaunt his queerness in a televised press conference and imagines himself shouting to his parents, “That is me!”  

Revisit it as you grow older, though, and you might discover that the disillusioned 30-something characters now feel as rich as their idealistic former selves. Velvet Goldmine is often called a gay film, but that obscures the universal resonance of its queer coming-of-age narrative. Better to think of it as a bisexual film that uses non-binary sexuality as a metaphor for the boundless possibilities of youth—the promise of a future constrained only by the limits of one’s own ambitions and appetites. Its characters can’t achieve permanent liberation by “coming out”; to maintain lifestyles that match their desires, they would have to reject the monogamy that defines adulthood for most people. Particularly amid the AIDS crisis of the 1980s, which haunts the film’s dreary present on a purely subtextual level, it’s obvious why they (like the real glam rockers they’re modeled after) retreat from the liberated lives they staked out for themselves.

But you don’t need to buy in to the incendiary claim Brian makes at his press conference, that everyone is bisexual, to see how this storyline reflects the many kinds of disappointments that await most starry-eyed fans in adulthood. Klawans’ objection to Haynes’ treatment of Arthur feels naive because it assumes people should be able to peacefully coexist with their shattered dreams. Why shouldn’t he feel bitter about having joined a sexual revolution that didn’t, finally, set him free? “It gets better” for Arthur when he leaves his homophobic family to move in with a latter-day glam act in London, but sometime after he hooks up with an unmoored Curt Wild at a tribute concert called the Death of Glitter, “it” just gets boring as the world gets worse.

And the world really does sometimes get worse, though audiences in the relatively peaceful, prosperous late ‘90s might have forgotten about that. Watching Velvet Goldmine for perhaps the 25th time, two weeks before Donald Trump’s inauguration, at the end of an era that has brought unprecedented freedom of sexual and gender expression, I was struck by how vividly Haynes captures a culture’s flight from progress, and how rare it is to see that kind of transition depicted on film. His argument about fluidity turns out to be even more potent when applied to societies than individuals (or, at least, it seems that way in 2017). Our capacity for transformation may be infinite, but that doesn’t mean those changes are always for the best.

[missppxtts-a]

About you: 11, 12,13,23,33,34, 39,41,45 Masturbation: 1, 2, 3, 8, 9, 14, 23, 38, 39 Porn and Sex industry: 1, 5 - 25, 28 Sex: 5, 6, 14 - 18, 36, 38, 60, 61, 62, 72, 73, 82, 85, 94, 98, 101, 102 Toys: 1 - 7 Fetishes: 1 - 5 This or that: 1, 4, 11, 19, 22, 23, 26, 39, 43, 44, 55, 59, 60, 75, 81, 83, 93 (there you go. You asked for it and Tony wants to know all the stuff)

The Most Comprehensive NSFW Ask Around @snarkofstark​ ⚜(accepting)

❛ First of all, goddammit stop being so curious, Tony!! ❜

About You

Explain your ultimate fantasy.

It’s starts out soft and loving. Tender touches, soft kisses and sweet love-making. However, it doesn’t stay like this the whole time but it builds up to a rough. Changing positions, I’m bend over first, taken roughly with some spanking - just before it’s my turn to be in control. With me on top I start with some teasing just until my partner can’t bear it anymore. It’s a rather long session but definitely worth it.

What are your turn-ons?

Dominance, but not in abusive way but rather in a sexy and sensual way. Something less sexual: intelligence, assertiveness, a certain charm… I like to be impressed in a different manner.

What are your turn-offs?

(see more in the other categories…) Try to have control over me without my permission and I’m out. Disrespect, heavily kinky stuff…

What was your latest sex dream about?

That was a rather pleasant one. Tony and I were at the beach, of course we were alone, and decided to go for a swim. So, one thing led to another and we ended up having sex at the beach. Simple as that.

Are you open about your sex-life andsexuality?

I prefer to keep things to myself. Not everyone needs to know every detail about me. I value my privacy a lot.

Do you orgasm easily?

 Usually, I don’t. However, if I have the right partner and it is under certain circumstances, it can be very easy.

Do you shave your pubic hair?

Notcompletely, just to bring some form into it and keeping it neat.

Do you prefer clean shaven or unkept?

I prefer something in between.

Whats your favorite lingerie outfit?

 Ivery much prefer to keep it simple, preferably black. (take a look)

Masturbation

Do you masturbate?

Sometimes,yes. Doesn’t everyone?

How old were you when you firstmasturbated?

I think it was aroundthe age of 16 or something? I don’t really remember.

How often do you masturbate?

Notthat often. Basically because I’m in a stable relationship and don’t need to do it that often

Have you walked in on or caught someonemasturbating?

Yes…more than once. Back then I would have preferred not to see it!

Have someone ever walked in on or caughtyou masturbating?

No,no one ever did. That would have been so embarrassing!

Are you loud or quiet when you masturbate?

It dependson the situation, but usually I tryto keep it quiet.

Whats your most embarrassing masturbationstory?

And if I don’t have an embarrassing masturbation story of my own? The most embarrassing thing for me had been walking in on Tony masturbating - no one should see their boss like that.

Describe a typical masturbation session.

I create a nice atmosphere for myself, like I would with a partner. Starting of with some light touches, I start with my breasts, slowly making my way to the southern regions. I like to tease myself before getting to the actual act and in the end….

How often do you usually last?

… it last for aroundten to fifteen minutes I would say - depending on how much time I take.

Porn & Sex Industry

Do you watch porn?

Notexactly…I’ve never really been into it.

How do you feel about hentai (Anime Porn)?

Urgh,no. Why would someone watch anime porn?!

How do you feel about gang-bang porn?

Nope,that’s very much a turn-off.

How do you feel about cumshot porn?

It’sokay…

How do you feel about lesbian porn?

Oneof the few things that I’m fine with.

How do you feel about amateur porn?

It’sfunny to watch them try… and fail more often than not.

How do you feel aboutcuckold/cuckqueen/swinging porn?

Okayno, that’s a no-go.

How do you feel about threesome porn?

I’mnot much a fan of it… but it’s still better than most of the stuff above.

How do you feel about teen porn?

Justno. Definitely no.

How do you feel about Japanese/Asian porn?

Somehowthis always reminds me of Anime Porn…

How do you feel about mature porn?

 I’mfine with that one.

How do you feel about ebony porn?

Goodfor them.

How do you feel about bondage porn?

Thiscan be really interesting.

How do you feel about masturbation/soloporn?

Idon’t know, actually I think it’s weird.

How do you feel aboutrough/violent/humiliating porn?

I’mreally not a fan of this one. I mean, I’m okay with rough sex but… no.

How do you feel about BBW porn?

Not really my thing but well.. others can enjoy it!

How do you feel about orgy/party porn?

No.You should get it by now.

How do you feel about trans/shemale porn?

Ifeel really uncomfortable with shemale porn. This is just a big trigger for me.

How do you feel about POV porn?

That’sreally okay with me.

How do you feel about blowjob porn?

I’mconflicted right here.

How do you feel about bukkake?

Goddammitno.

How do you feel about extreme porn?

…I said something like that before. What was it? Not much of a fan.

Has a partner ever used porn to show youwhat they like/want?

Once.Can’t say it was a pleasant experience.

Sex

How many sexual partners have you had?

I had four. This wasn’texactly my priority.

Who was your best sex partner?

That self-proclaimedplayboy slash idiot the whole world knows and the majority of women already slept with.

Do you like dirty talking?

If it’s done right,very much so.

Do you like being called names?

Depends on the names.

Do you like being called obscene names? (Bitch/Slut/Whore/Sissy/etc)

Not really… Badexperiences with that one.

Are you loud or quiet in bed?

I’m usually ratherloud. Then again it depends on my partner.

Whats your favorite position?

I’m a fan of theclassic one, but I also love to be on top. Actually, I’m open to try outdifferent things.

Are you on birth control?

Right now? Yep.

Have you ever faked an orgasm? Describe the experience(s).

Yeah…Honey, I’m still sorry about it. I didn’t want to hurt you… Also with my ex… it was better than telling him I didn’t like it.

Has someone ever “titty-fucked” your breasts?

Once. My ever soterrible ex begged until I agreed to it.

Do you prefer your partner to be vocal/moan loudly?

If it’s notexaggerated, let them be vocal.

Do you enjoy having your nipples played with?

Very much so.

Would you like to have a threesome?

Nope. Had one once andit was terrible.

Who would you like to have a threesome with?

You know this makes nosense now that I already said no to a threesome.

Do you like cum or is it gross?

Depends on where itgoes.

Have you ever had sex while on a period/with someone on a period?

Nope. And that willprobably never happen.

Is it gay for a man to enjoy anal stimulation from a woman?

Why should that be gay?I get that a man has his needs.

Do you prefer sex with a man or with a woman?

I prefer it with menbut it’s nice with women too.

Have you ever gotten cum in your eye?

Thank god, no!

Has anyone ever cum inside you on accident? How did you feel about that?

Yep… my first seriousboyfriend. It was so gross given the situation, and I was really uncomfortable…

Toys

Have you ever bought a sex toy?

I don’t have to.People buy them for me.

What is the last sex toy you bought?

Something Tony broughtor build by himself.

What sex toy do you currently want?

Ican’t really think of one now.

Would you let someone buy you a sex toy?

Ikeep saying no to it but my friends do it anyway to tease me…

How many toys do you own?

Tellme Tony, how many toys do I own by now?

What kind of toys do you own?

Vibrators/Dildos,and Tony please stop making me more…

What is your favorite toy?

CanI say the real thing is my favorite toy??

Fetishes

What fetishes do you have?

Dom/sub, but not in a really intense way. I’m not exactly experienced with this category…

What is your favorite fetish?

See my previous answer please.

Have you indulged in all your fetishes?

Yep.

What fetishes are you yet to experience?

All that I’d be willing to try?

Are there any fetishes you don’t have yet, but may beinterested in?

Honestly, I have no idea, I’d be open to try whatever my partner comes up with…. or at least most of it.

This or That

Vaginal or Anal

Vaginal

Handjob or Oral

Oral

Spit or Swallow

Spit

Facial or Creampie

Creampie

Circumcised orUncircumcised

Circumcised (not biased noooo)

Boxers or Briefs

Slighttendency towards boxers.

Vaginal or Clitoral Orgasm

Vaginal Orgasm

Real Cock or Sex Toy Cock

Realcock, always.

Dirty Talk or Loud Moaning

Dirty Talk

Faked Orgasm or Premature Ejaculation

Prematureejaculation

Length or Girth

A good mix of both?

Beard or Shaven

Beard.

Pubic Hair or None

Some pubichair

Hair Pulling or Spanking

Spanking

Giving Head or Receiving Head

Receiving head

Pussy and Anal Penetration or Ass and MouthPenetration

Pussyand anal

Veiny Dick or Curved Dick

Curved.

[eccxntrix-blog1]

All sex questions

⌠  ☆  ⌡—  ✍ : @abxavterno [ Miyavi ] , we’re all pretty odd                  

                       Meme | Accepting

Sex

Are you a virgin? No.How old were you when you lost your virginity? …16If you haven’t, when would you like to? Not virgin Explain your first time in detail. Oh. It was very painful. I was young and I didn’t know what I was doing, but at that time I thought it was the right thing to do. My boyfriend was brash and he didn’t really care about how I felt, he didn’t even prep me. Not a good first first experience and I regret it.How many sexual partners have you had? 5Who was your best sex partner? Not saying because it’ll only boost his already large ego.Did you tell someone after you lost your virginity? Who? No, I wanted to tell my mom but I didn’t want to disappoint her.Do you give oral sex? Yes, and I love it.Have you received oral sex? Yes.Do you prefer to give or receive oral sex? Both.Have you had anal sex? How was your first experience? Yes, I’m gay.Do you have any friends you would hookup with? Yes.Have you wanted to have sex with someone, but couldn’t? Why couldn’t you?Yes and it’s because he was in a relationship. Do you like dirty talking? Yes, it’s fun to me.Do you like being called names? Yes, all kinds of names.Do you like being called obscene names? (Bitch/Slut/Whore/Sissy/etc) Love it! Are you loud or quiet in bed? I’m a screamer.Whats your favorite position? I have a lot.Have you ever invented a position? No, but that sounds fun. Whats the strangest position you’ve tried? I haven’t been put in any weird positions before.Have you ever been caught or walked in on while fucking? Unfortunately, yes..When is the last time you had sex? Describe the experience(s). Not too long ago, I had a late night visitor, When is the last time you received oral? Describe the experience(s). I don’t remember. When is the last time you gave oral? Describe the experience(s). I called a friend over and I gave him head out of the kindness of my heart. But, he was kind enough to come over so late, so of course I got my knees and swallowed his kids. When is the last time you had anal sex? Describe the experience(s). Someones bound to get fucked when you call them over at three in the morning, and that someone was me. His stroke game made me forget why I was sad in the first place. A+ Which celebrities would you want to have sex with? Not really into celebrities Any fictional characters you want to hookup with? Nope.Have you ever had shower sex? How was it? Yes, it’s slippery and fun. What is your favorite position(s)? Spread eagle, reverse cowgirl, missionary, spooning, prone bone, double the pleasure, various types of doggie style. Where is the strangest or wildest place you’ve had sex/oral? Wildest place was the backseat of a car. I’m open to experimenting though. Have you ever broken up with someone because they couldn’t satisfy you? No, sex doesn’t equal love. Have you used anything to improve sexual performance? (Penis Extenders/Tingling Lube/Cock Rings) I love cock rings!Whats your most embarrassing sexual experience? I don’t think I have one.Whats your funniest sex experience? I once gave a grown man a revised version of a bedtime story because he couldn’t….then I suck his dick and he was able to go to sleep after that. It’s funny now that I think about it.Have you ever had any performance issues? What were they? I was in a situation where I wasn’t aroused at all.Are you on birth control? Yes, it last a life time because I don’t have a uterus.Do you use condoms? Yes, safety first.Have you ever faked an orgasm? Describe the experience(s). No.Can other people get you off? Yes they can.Is there only one way you can cum? (i.e. Clitoral Stimulation Only/Anal Only/Toy/Specific Position) I don’t have a specific way, I just cum.Have you ever been rejected? Have you ever rejected someone? I’m always the one being rejected.Have you ever been stopped mid-sex? Describe the experience(s). I haven’t and I hope it never happens.Have you ever had sex outdoors? Describe the experience(s). No, but I’d like to try.Have you ever had sex in public? Describe the experience(s). No, but it’s a fantasy of mine. The thrill of being caught makes my knees weak.Have you ever had sex in front of others? Describe the experience(s). No, also a fantasy though.Have you ever had sex in a car? Describe the experience(s). Yes! I was drunk and we didn’t have any lube, but I didn’t care honestly. I came without touching myself and I also got choked a little that night. Good times, very fun experience.Have you ever given or received road head? Describe the experience(s). No, but I really want to do this. Unfortunately, the time I thought about doing it someone  ( you know who you are ) wasn’t in the car. Have you ever had sex/oral/manual sex in a movie theater? Describe the experience(s). No, I wouldn’t mind trying this though. Have you ever had sex in a fitting room? Describe the experience(s).  Nope.Have you ever had sex in a plane? Describe the experience(s). I would love join the mile high club.Have you ever had sex at work? Describe the experience(s). No, that’s unsanitary. Explain your best sex experience in detail. Umm..I had started crying in the middle of the act ( it wasn’t his fault ) but instead of ignoring my tears like I expected him to do- he actually slowed down, pulled out and held me in his arms. I cried a lot that night, but I’m glad he was there with me. We finished though, but he was more attentive and careful the second time around. I know what you’re thinking and yes this is my best sexual experience. I’m a giant baby and I like to be coddled, sue me.Which non-genital parts of your body do you like being touched or stimulated? My ass and nipplesDo you ever take pictures or videos when you have sex? Explain the experience(s). I haven’t taken any pics or videos while having sex, but i do have a of photos and videos of me masturbating.Have you ever given a strip tease to a partner? Yes I have.Have you ever given a lap dance to a partner? Yes.Have you ever received a strip tease from a partner? Nope.Have you ever received a lap dance from a partner? Nope.Have you ever “titty-fucked” before? I’m gay, and I’m not attracted to big boys.Has someone ever “titty-fucked” your breasts? I have pectorals, and I’m gay. Do you prefer your partner to be vocal/moan loudly? I don’t prefer it, but Its hot if my partner is just as vocal as I am.Do you enjoy having your nipples played with? YES, especially now that I got them pierced. They’re so sensitive now, so nipple play is a must. I can come just by have my nipples sucked and nibbled on. Huge turn on!Do you ever role-play? I haven’t had an opportunity to do it yet. What situations or themes have you role-played? I’ll name some I’d like to do. Uhh…some classic themes like schoolgirl, doctor and nurse, maid, girl scouts. Oh- I really want to try a prison theme one day. There’s so many I want to try actually.What would you like to role-play? Yes, in a heartbeat.Do you role play with costumes? I already have customs.Do prefer lingerie in the bedroom? I have lingerie, but I prefer to wear it everytime I’m intimate with someone. I usually don’t tell my partners about this kink until I’m really comfortable with them.Do you enjoy rough sex? Love it!What would you like to improve about your sex life? I would like to learn more about myself. There’s a lot of things I haven’t tried, and there’s no telling what I might end up liking. I just need someone who’s willing to practice with me, I can’t just do those things with anyone.Have you ever gone into public with hickeys? Did you know they were there? Yes and I didn’t know it was there. Asshole.Have you ever had a threesome? Describe the experience. I guess you can call it a threesome. I was having sex with my boyfriend and his best friend walked in on us. Although I didn’t want that bitch to join, my boyfriend ended up letting him join anyways.Would you like to have a threesome? No.Who would you like to have a threesome with? No oneWould your partner be okay with a threesome? I hope not.Would you like to be with two men at the same time? No, one is enough.Would you like to be with two girls at the same time? I must have died and went to hell if that ever happens.Would you like to be with more than two girls at the same time? No -_-Would you like to be with more than two guys at the same time? No, I don’t like sharing.Have you ever been double penetrated? Describe the experience(s). Yes, not describing it.Have you ever had every hole filled or been involved with filling each hole? Describe the experience(s). Yes, still not describing it.Have you ever tried ’69’? Explain the experience. I haven’t tried it yet.Do you like cum or is it gross? Love it!Have you ever tasted cum? Do you like it? Of course and it’s sweet like nectar.Where is your favorite place to cum or receive cum? In my mouth, on my face, or in my ass. You gotta be my boyfriend if you want to cum in this ass though.Have you ever had sex while on a period/with someone on a period? Nope. Still gay.Do you listen to music while you have sex? What kind? Sometimes and I put the iPod on shuffle.Have you ever used a buttplug while having sex? I used a buttplug while masturbating. Have you used any form of sex furniture? What kind? Nope.Have you ever brought toys into the bedroom with a partner? What kind? Describe the experience(s). One time, and we used a glass dildo. Do you eat ass? I haven’t had a partner who wanted me to do it, but I’d gladly do it if they wanted me to.Do you like to have your ass eaten? YasssssHave you ever anally fingered your partner? No, but I would.Do you like prostate play? Yes. Is it gay for a man to enjoy anal stimulation from a woman? Anal sex does not equally homosexuality. Have you ever experienced a prostate orgasm? Yes, very blissful experience.Have you ever double penetrated/been double penetrated with the assistance of a toy? That would be the only time I’d consider doing DP.Have you ever experimented with the same sex? Describe the experience(s). Yes, I’m a homosexual man. All my partners have been men.Do you prefer sex with a man or with a woman? Men, I’m gay. I swear I’ve said that like a hundred times already.Have you ever had sex with another couple(s) monogamously? (Not touching the other couple(s)) NoHave you ever watched another couple have sex? NoHave you ever gotten cum in your eye? Yes, good times.Has anyone ever cum inside you on accident? How did you feel about that? No ones cumin inside me unless their my boyfriend.  Have you ever cum inside someone on accident? How did they respond? No, I’m a bottom bitch. Even if I was topping, I wouldn’t be cumin in no one. Pull out game strong!Have you ever cum in your pants? Describe the experience(s). Yes, I get off on giving my partner head. If their moaning then I’m cumming…in my pants. Have you ever sexted? Yes!!!!Do you like to play with balls/have your balls played with? Yes :) Are hand jobs boring or are they underrated? Underrated.Describe your average orgasm. I don’t know how to describe it. It’s a serene feeling to me, and I get extremely sensitive afterwards.Describe your average cumshot. I spurt a decent amount of cum along my tummy, or I’m defiling the sheets. Whats the quickest you’ve ever been brought to orgasm? eight minutes. Gotta love foreplayWhats the quickest you’ve ever brought someone else to orgasm? five minutes How long are you usually able to last? My stamina is kinda high so I tend to last a while long.What’s the most times you’ve had sex (or sexual contact with a partner) in a day? Two times.Whats your longest sex session? An hour.

Note: Why are you interested in my sex life?

[gmuffinhead]

what really gets to me on such a deep level is the way men react to periods.

"you're overrating" "its not that bad" "i doubt it hurts that much" "you're just using it as an excuse"

how do you sit down and think, yeah all women collectively are lying about this very real, very painful and very natural thing.

i hate it when people speak about experiences they don't and will never fucking understand and then act as if they know everything. Like at least do some research, and if you did you wouldn't be brainless enough to go telling women that they are lying or dramatic.

When I was in high school, the amount of male teachers called me (and friends of mine) a liar and told me I'm just trying to find excuses to miss class, when all i asked was the go to the bathroom because i was on my period. fucking stupid. or refused to let me (or friends) go to the bathroom because our periods werent "emergencies" and could wait. oh how i wanted to punch so many of my teachers and really give them the experience of bleeding out in class with a fear that others will see, knowing you cant stand up or move and if you did you might leak or worse. how i wish everyman that talks crap about periods get to experience the cramps and headaches and overwhelming feelings to k*ll yourself, lying in bed late at night or sitting on the cold bathroom floor crying wishing that you had a different body. how i just wish they got to experience the overwhelming dread when you're at school and realise you've stained your skirt or pants. i just wish i could give assholes my period for them to suffer with.

another kicker is older men, like fathers, grandfathers, uncles or EVEN FEMALE FAMILY MEMBERS, teaching young children that periods are a hush topic, that you shouldn't say it outloud or in public, that its taboo to talk about or its a secretive thing. its nit, it never should have to be a secret that woman go through it. its natural, we shouldn't have to fucking hide it from family just because they think its 'gross.'

fuck you, ill fucking show you gross you fucking cowardly old man.

my sister, my 13 year old sister, now thinks that periods are gross and shouldn't be spoken about because our step father refuses to acknowledge it and makes ugly faces and sounds when we bring it up. "ew to much information!" "gross, keep it to yourself" "im eating!" keep up that attitude and ill fucking have my period in your food bitch. my sister, when talking to me or my mum in reference to her period will say "its my lady days" "its red week" "im on my lady thing" theres no need for the fucking censorship, its natural and especially around family or others who experience periods, it shouldn't be censored.

its so sad to see. its so sad that when at my high school office, they hand out pads in envelopes (which i think is WAY more obvious) because they think its embarrassing, teaching the girls and boys a like that periods are embarrassing when they arent. little girls are taught their periods are gross, embarrassing, something to censor, when its completely normal and natural.

i just hate the way people who experience periods are sometimes treated by (mostly but of course not all or just) middle aged men.

and of course when i say woman, i dont just mean woman.

trans men, non-binary individuals and many other genders can menstruate as well. but im generalising, using the most common example. of course its not just men that do or say things like this, many women and other genders say similar things, but it's mostly men.

im just really upset and in the feels right now and thats okay. its okay to have periods, its okay to be angry and upset at the world and its okay to yell at men who think they know better.

when a teacher refuses you the bathroom, (for many reasons, not just because of your period) its okay to leave and go anyway. or piss on the floor, it teaches a lesson, but probably wont sit well with the cleaners </3

when someone tells you you're overdramatic or overreacting, show them what overdramatic and overreacting is, make it worse and make it their problem.

when someone calls you a liar, kick them or something, i dont really have a reasonable comeback for this one, but violence might be the answer if they keep up their stupidity.

when someone trys to censor you, fight back harder, make it impossible to censor you.

its okay to stand up for yourself.

im actually like so angry and upset and mad and i need more words to describe what i am feeling, but overwhelmed and an intense passion to want to punch every man i see is a good enough description for now.