#predatory minds

[predatoryminds]

AUTHOR'S NOTE: ⚠ ⚠ ⚠ ⚠ ⚠ ⚠ ⚠ ⚠ PROCEED WITH CAUTION!!!! THIS HAS HEAVY THEMES AND INTENSE GORE AND THOROUGHLY DISTURBING SCENES, AND POTENTIALLY TRIGGERING TOPICS!!!! THIS SERIES WAS STARTED BY ME WHEN IN 2010, AND I HAVE BEEN WORKING ON IT SINCE THEN, SO, WELL, PLEASE BE NICE TvT. ALSO, PLEASE READ WITH A CAREFUL AND OPEN MIND EACH CHARACTER HAS A VERY SPECIFIC BACKGROUND, AND A GOOD MAJORITY OF THEIR PAST AND CURRENT LIFESTYLE ATTRIBUTES TO THE STORY AND IS ACTUALLY VERY IMPORTANT. MOST OF THEM HAVE A REASON FOR THEIR PARTICULAR LIVES, SO KEEP THAT IN MIND WHILE READING⚠ ⚠ ⚠ ⚠ ⚠ ⚠ ⚠ ⚠ ⚠ ⚠

Prologue

I knew we were running out of time. Oh, I'm sorry, I meant me, not we. I was all alone, wasn't I...

I struggled against the leather that bound my skin to this ungodly stone table, rubbing it red. It all made it real, too real.

What made me be here? 

Why in god's name did I agree to this again?!

Spitting out a thick crimson wad of spit, a spluttering wheeze of a cough erupted from deep within my chest and I cursed out at the gods. 

If they were listening, which is the way I acted, they'd have turned a blind eye at such a foolish child.

'You entered the arena of the men who wish to play god, willingly, might I add,' A rather shady looking god appeared in my mind as the hallucinogens' had been administered an hour prior. 'You might as well have chosen death, kid'

The drugs had burned so bad, but I guess it was better than feeling what they were going to do to me.

I was hot with shame, fear, and pain. Why was I chosen, what would I pose to them?

But this is the result of my own greed, isn’t it, I thought, spitting out a curse, body jerking upward with the sharp pain in my ribs and spine. This is why I didn’t trust people, why would I do this to myself?

Had I gone crazy, stupid, delirious?

God, I should have listened to him... he was right all along, and now he's gone too...

My head was killing me with a throbbing headache, at this point, I'd give anything for some anesthetics.

I knew I could die here, the other children's corpses told me that and the pungent smell of fear and blood. I wanted to gag, shuddering frequently. Despite my discomfort, I didn't speak anymore than to howl a foul word or two when the pain was unbearable.

I would watch and wait the best I could. What else could I do, really?

I mean, I was strapped down to a table, literally. I had, under my own free will, signed the papers. Even if I hadn't, A) Who would believe me that the famous, world renowned, Arrowsmith, would do this behind closed doors, and B) I was a street rat, how the heck could I afford a lawyer to stab the man who cut me?

I had nothing to lose (since I gave up on the value of my life) and yet all that I had to gain conflicted me.

Was the money really worth it?

Even if I desperately needed it, all the crap I had to endure throughout this ordeal was horrible. 

Terrible. 

Inhumane.

With each passing second, I wondered if I was really alive.

Maybe this was hell? Maybe I had already died, and this was the punishment I had to endure for the many sins and grievances I had caused.

My pills stared at me on the silver tray, the white was tainted with splatters of crimson. 

What I was fed was insanity in the form of powder collected into small round disks.

The flavors were like acid, yet my body craved the searing pain. Shivers washed over me with each spasm that lurched me.

How many had I had to twist my mind to the point I believed in something I usually laughed at? I hadn’t prayed in years, but I was beginning to utter the words to an old hymn I learnt as a child.

To a passerby, it would have sounded like I’d lost my mind. I couldn’t form much more than babbling nonsense and sharp wheezy noises, like the notes a cat would shriek.

No, hell would be a vacation compared to this, it’s the drugs talking, I lifted my head up, letting the growing weight fall back with a sharp thud. It was stupid, but it let me think a little straighter with drugs clouding my mind.

The shooting pain and growing headache let me think a little clearer than before.

I needed my wits about me, my only two assets I could use in this situation really were my wits and sanity. It was all I had left. Speedy short breaths followed for the pain, yet my eyes focused a little better.

Wait, but I don't want to see this room, I groaned in my mind, lacking the strength to argue with myself. I couldn’t muster a self motivating speech, nor did I really want to.

The way our bodies were torn apart and put back together, how they treated us like ragdolls made me enraged. Yet, I couldn't do a thing, I had agreed to this…

Rolling my head to the side, I blinked slow, chest heaving. 

I was tired, yet I had to remain strong, in mind if not body, I couldn't give up. Mental determination was my best trait! I lived on the streets, I could survive some freaky experiment, right?

Focusing hazy eyes, my gaze met the table a couple feet away from my own.

The boy on the table to my left was either unconscious or dead.

I hadn't seen his chest move, it seemed as if he hadn't breathed at all for the last 30 minutes. Well, it felt like that long, it was hard to read the clock with my brain clouded. I assumed that he was dead, not that it concerned me, all I needed was to make sure I was going to leave alive and be paid for my efforts.

Turning my head back, I stared at the ceiling, looking for the cracks to focus my mind. I lay there, pondering over my life choices, over what I felt and what I had seen in my short time on this earth. Had I made the most of life?

No.

I was an ant in this world, nothing I said or did mattered, society just wanted to squish me, grind me in the dust, and leave me to rot. The only remanint would be my burned, mud ridden skeleton, because that's what society did to you. The man burned you, scorned you, forced you to work until you were nothing but brittle bones left in the earth, hidden from the world to be forgotten. No one cared, that was clear as day to me.

Fair enough, I guess, I mean, what am I? Just a thief, a lost boy on the streets to be betrayed and disregarded. If I had enough strength left, I would have laughed, yet the tightening feeling in my scarred chest seared, burning a gaping hole in my lungs. The most I could muster was a hoarse chuckle.

Would I be missed?

Wait, do I even have anyone to miss me? Green eyes relaxed, hoping the next drug would stop the throbbing in my veins that felt like bursting.

Would Damian miss me?

I shook my head, letting out a sigh as I tried to relax and ignore the pain. He left, so probably not, especially after what I did, tearing us apart....

Maybe they’ll put me out of my misery now, I mean what else do I have to live for?

I chuckled to myself with closed eyes. My death would be covered up more than likely, it was humorous to me. I had fantasied regularly about my demise, I would have preferred to die in a more comfortable place, sure, but I guess it could have been worse, I could be rotting on a spike, bleeding, and discontent.

Well, not that they did that in real life anymore, this wasn't the 18th century.

Beggars can't be choosers, I huffed, licking my chapped lips, though it was a futile effort since my whole mouth felt rather lacking in the fluid department.

Was this my punishment for my disregard of the law?

I let out even, deep breaths, in and out. The longer I was here, the more I felt at peace.

I was almost falling asleep when a loud shriek burst out, I almost had a heart attack.

If I wasn't restrained to the table, I probably would have fallen over in shock.

The boy on the table next to me, drenched in his own blood, began to thrash about, screaming in some language I couldn't comprehend as I stared at the sight, ears ringing.

It took a few minutes, but his shrieking was soon joined by the chorus of footsteps thrumming against the thick tiles as a hoard of people in hazmat suits poured in.

They surrounded the dripping boy, blood and sweat mixing as his eyes darted around the room, pupils blown wide. The saliva running down his face, and ruffled jett black hair made him look rather feral, like a wild animal.

I could read the fear, confusion, and pain in his unique blue orbs and twisted expression. I was mesmerized, never having seen such a beautiful, nor unique color in a person's eyes before. He felt what I was feeling, only escalated, he was trapped in the same cage as I, only he was suffering more. It made me wonder when my turn would come as I shrunk back into the table.

I was too tired to wonder how he was still alive, neck cracking and aching at the strain as I watched.

Then, what I assumed to be some forms of scientists, poked and prodded at him in excitement, chattering away in yet another language I didn't understand.

The boy cast me a fearful and outraged glance, spitting at the closest scientist.

I was promised money, I was promised that this would help me. That I would feel better after this, but were they going to do that to me?

I needed this money, I needed a better chance at life. Heck, I needed a new life, one where I would be born into a proper family, one that loved and kept me. Where I could have at least one proper meal a day, maybe a dog to run around in the backyard with.

I wasn’t asking for much!

This was, as they had said, ‘The opportunity of a lifetime!’

Opportunity my ass! What sort of messed up lifetime do they have, because I was frightened of dying here and now on this table!

I squirmed, biting my lip in frustration at the strain on my body and the chafing burn on my skin.

The group turned my way as they pulled an inoculate mask over the boy, who fought the best he could until he was knocked out.

In their hands were shiny scalping knives, goggles glowing in the dark room.

I glared, hissing out a threat, a curse, spitting out a mixture of blood and spit.

They approached slowly, murmuring in fast succession.

And I prayed.

Goodbye, don’t remember me.

" ‘re’s no ‘n left, ‘nyway."

******************

********

***

*

Blood splattered around each and every surface. My heart and chest thumped rapidly, the beginnings of smoke streamed about and sirens rung through my ears, bouncing about my ribcage all the way down my legs.

Where was I?

What happened?

My eyes couldn't focus, everything was too much. I was too overwhelmed.

Burning paper and crunching black wood fell all around me, and a single figure stood.

It was a boy, he couldn't be much older than I.

I couldn't make out his features, I was too weak to focus.

He stood amongst the chaos, turned away from me.

Despite the roaring flames a few steps away from him, he shivered.

Hugging himself, rough, cold wind lashed his skin, shaking the leaf boy.

Then he fell.

The smoke, the breeze, the sirens, it all hurt my head. Nothing was making sense, it was all out of order, and it made a hot trail down my cheek.

The salt tears stung, yet they wouldn’t stop.

Breathing became too difficult, and my head throbbed to the point I couldn't take it anymore. I was tired, in pain, dazed and confused.

But I wasn’t scared.

The last thing I saw was the gleam of a pair of thin rectangle glasses perched upon a sharp face.

*

**

****

******

Blinking, the boy sat up, whipping his head about, he searched for smoke, for flames, for anything.

It was so real, He thought, gripping his bed sheets. Too real...

Chapter one - Dull office makes for dumb days!

I watched shapes fly by in a blur outside the car window, music blocking out everyone and everything. My headphones sat tight over my ears, tangled in amongst my wavy length. As irritating as it was, I put up with it.

Every movement I made, a hair would get caught and I’d feel a sharp tug at my scalp, but I just ignored it.

I could feel Father’s gaze turn back to me every few minutes, dark blue eyes trying to figure me out, wanting to know what I was thinking, what I was feeling.

Subtly, I pushed my round glasses up and kept quiet, not going to feel obliged to respond to these desperate attempts of futile bonding, it wasn’t worth the hassle.

It never was.

Just focus on something else, anything else. That was what I told myself, and that was what I would stick with.

Mother, on the other hand, was too occupied with the road ahead to bother with an attempt at conversation.

I was thankful for this, if they both had been on my case, then I would have been doomed.

As sweet and innocent as she seemed, the woman was pretty damn persuasive.

Keep on acting as if I don't know, The thought left a bitter taste in my mouth. Should I be offended you think I'm so stupid, or be 'grateful' since we haven't had the 'Divorce' talk yet...

Pretending everything was alright was stressful for all parties involved, besides, as a government official's child, appearances obviously had to be kept up.

Scrolling through my phone, I smiled at the pictures from the party I had DJ'd the other night, not that anyone knew it was me under the helmet.

I could feel fathers gaze continuously turn back to me every few seconds. He wasn't subtle, bluntness and making things clear was both his biggest strength, and yet also his biggest flaw. I kept quiet, focusing on my phone, on the music, on something else, anything else. But either way, I was drawn back to my awkward and hurtful reality.

When green orbs met blue, Father turned away, bearing the same burden known as awkwardness. That was one of the few things we had in common. We both were rather uncomfortable people. Father looked out his window, thoughts wrinkling his face almost to the point of a scowl. Huffing, he placed his hand turned over next-to mother's.

It was a desperate attempt to appear calm and 'happy'. Mother let out a humm of surprise, but then smiled, enterwining her fingers with his.

She pulled off a cheerful and eager look better than my dear old dad did, yet there was always some sort of telltale sign I could find in the image.

This time, gazing just beyond her seat, I could see her hand on the wheel slightly grip. I didn't like feeling anger, and frustration, but the more they delayed telling me that they wanted to split up, the more I wanted to throw things, throw a tantrum, cry, scream. Anything to show them how it affected everyone in our house.

They might not think it, but for me, they both were easy to read. It was so obvious to tell the mood they were in. The little habits they had, like Mother tended to clean when she was stressed, and Father baked when he was anxious and needed to relax, and he brushed his hair back alot when he overthinks. That's probably why his hair was so greasy.

Stop trying so hard, Rolling my eyes, I chewed the inside of my cheek to at least try to calm down my stomach. I know you're forcing it...

My parents were obsessed with public image, or rather to seem together. They weren't even close to being the happy family people thought we were. They argued, threatened divorce and worse, as if I'd turned deaf, like I couldn't hear them. It happened almost everyday, and made the atmosphere so incredibly uncomfortable.

It was painful to watch, even just hearing it put a strain on my already fragile heart. But, I'm used to this, they've been doing this for almost two years now. I kind of felt guilty, like it was my fault. I mean, why else would they stay together if they hate eachother so much, if not to take care of me?

They must feel guilty, so it's to the point they go through a whole grin and bear it routine.

Well, it's that, or they did it for their job.

I mean, if someone can't keep their marriage together, how could they hold such an important government jobs?

After driving for what felt like hours, we finally entered the cage of a forest, making our way to what I called ' The safe hold.'

The New Hampshire Divisional Covert Facility, or, if you’re lazy, the N.H.D.C.F.

It was really out the way of any people, off the grid, deep within the thick dense forest to a far off clearing. I had wondered many times how my parents even had landed this job, but I never asked.

I never expected a reply.

I had no clue what they actually did in their 'very important job's' but whatever it was, it was extremely top secret, or something like that.

After a excruciatingly long bumpy drive through the rather unstable road, I tried to suppress the strange chill coursing through my body, and the feeling my heart had taken a trip to my throat. Unease washed over me, and I had the strangest feeling something was wrong.

Oh so very wrong.

Pulling my red and black flannel shirt closer to my body, I focused on my breathing as we pulled up to the gate.

It's ok, Bridget, everything is fine, I reassured myself, wondering what this sense of dread was. It's probably just the atmosphere in the car!

Perking up, I watched the road ahead, pausing my music. I had been here before, but it wasn't too often I came with my family to the facility. Usually I would be at school, or when they traveled overseas, I'd go with them (Which happened a lot). They did tend to work most weekends, not that they complained, if anything, they both were rather passionate about their jobs. But on weekends, I'd stay home, so I couldn't understand why today was different.

The only conclusion that my already strained mind could comprehend was that it must be 'the day'.

The day they finally talk to me, and tell me 'We are getting a divorce'.

My thoughts only could line up to that, maybe it was because I constantly was preparing myself for the conversation. I mean we'd be in a professional environment, I'd have to be just that, professional. No way could I have a tantrum, or cry out here.

But then and again, whenever I came here, they'd send me to another room to wait while they did work. And today was going to be a special day, since I wouldn't be alone. Some of our international representatives would be visiting with some of their kids, so I'd have them for company.

Oooh, they want to socialize me, and that way by being around others, I still can't cry! Very clever, I narrowed my eyes, swallowing a whimper as I felt tears pricking my eyes. My overthinking was getting the better of me.

I didn't notice we had pulled up to the front security box as I buised myself with wiping away tears, hiding my look of despair.

Don't cry, don't cry, don't cry, just breathe, I repeated the mantra, avoiding the obvious gaze of a curious old man sitting in his booth.

"Afternoon, Henry"

"Afternoon, Ma'am, Sir"

Something about the crickity old man always set me off into a spiral of bad vibes. He made me rather uncomfortable, and he always stared so intently at me, like he was expecting something.

As we pulled up to the car park, I could just feel the sentence coming as I slipped out of the car hastily.

"You--"

"Need to stay in the room, follow the rules, etc. etc, we've been through this, I got it," I muttered curtly, abnormally harshly. Despite my tone not being appreciated, Father nodded.

"Let's go, team!" Mother cheered, almost skipping as we walked into the building. The overpowering smell of Kleenex  stung my nose as I scrunched up my face. As always, the N.H.D.C.F was impossibly ugly. Mismatched colors, and dieing plants. It was rather warm as well, and it blasted you in the face when you entered the building. It was never appreciated and the heat carried all sorts of smells that made you feel delirious.

I hated it, I mean, how could anyone work in such an environment?!

The Michaels trio were uniform, falling into the usual line.

Mother in the lead, head high, chest puffed out as she walked with a cheery confidence. People tended to double take when they saw her in the facility. She had soft youthful features, and a childish quality to her. She was full of life and playful, yet set and determined, always fixated on the task ahead. She had persistence on her side, and could get anything accomplished if she tried.

Father followed precisely 4 steps behind her, standing up straight, shoulders taught, gaze clouded with a diligent seriousness and a whole universe worth of crunching numbers flowing from his mind. Almost everything the tall man did was meticulously planned out, he was set in his ways, and had a no nonsense attitude.

And then there was me, meekly taking the rear of the line, lagging almost 12 steps behind, spine curved reflexively forward, nose glued to my phone as I tugged my headphones around my neck.

I was a teenager, was what most would think, but it was actually a form of coping with the stress of meeting expectations. If I engaged or looked like I wanted to interact with others, I'd have to be all 'Adult-y'. I hated that, and the staff members of this place always asked the most awkward questions.

Quickly pressing a tight hug to my mother and a mild bow to my father, we headed off our separate ways.

When I was finally alone, I let out a groan at the scenery around me.

The halls stunk of a mixture of unsavory air fresheners, markers and cleaning products and the colors were so dull and bland.

My sneakers squeaked relentlessly on the sticky marble floors.

"I guess this is the place where all creativity comes to die" I murmured to myself, mildly amused. I always had some form of witty criticism about this place. It wouldn't be the same without a snarky remark about how utterly dead and ugly this place was.

The dull grey and blues made me want to be sick, being the visually driven person I was.

"If only they'd let me fix this place up" Breathing a sigh, I chuckled to myself, flicking through a few of my Pinterest boards, ideas flowing through my mind.

It made me miss my room.

Shutting off my phone, I stopped in front of a door. It muffled cries of anguish and mockery, despite being 'Sound-proof'.

An familier and rather high pitched 'SHUT-UP!' could be heard, electing a grimace and the tightening of my shoulders as I prepared for a head-ache.

Flinching at the impact of cold steel in my palm, I pulled the door open wide.

Warmth and sunlight hit me in waves of jubilation, and my world exploded with color.

Red velvet furniture, couches, purples, black and white walls, colored glass panes.

Everything looked and felt so inviting, I was in awe.

This place had looked so distasteful and honestly kind of tacky the last time I had been here, they must have done some serious renovations since then.

The first thing you saw when you walked in was a huge, clear window spanning from the floor to the roof that had to be at least 3 meters long and 4 meters tall.

We were on the 5th floor, so you had a beautiful view of the forest-scape and a far away lake, all set up with a rosy sun shining in the background.

A boy sunken in a giant purple bean bag sat by his lonesome in front of the window, facing away from me. Shifting from foot to foot nervously, I noticed he was reading a thick book on Quantum Mechanics and Physics.

Despite soaking up the rays, he wore very formal, and layered clothing.

Long black trench coat, high waisted triple button jeans, a tucked in white button up, and a setesdalsgenser lay seated beside him.

His pale skin gave off the illusion that he was glowing in the sun.

Shifting my gaze, I turned to an argumentative pair, the girl in which being the voice I heard before.

Without a door muffling her, she made me want to cover my ears, her voice echoing across the room and into the depths of the hall.

She was a petite girl, thin, with almost a doll-like regal quality to her, though she was shorter by several inches.

She had a childish quality to her, and yet a mature look as she clenched her fists, poking her tongue at her counterpart, who leant against the kitchen counter, grinning lazily, "Am I bothering you, Mulan?~"

I hesitated, edging forward, then backwards.

What should I do?

"Could you two please act more civilized, in case you hadn't noticed, there is someone at the door"

The beanbag boy's voice was sharp, yet dancing with the notes of a usually gentle foreign tone. His please was laced with poison, and he acted as if his 'civilized' mannerisms were met by aliens. To him, he was talking to the unruly wildlife and the seemingly illiterate. Or at least that was what I read in the glint in his eyes.

"The door?" The girl repeated with a naïve innocence radiating as she tilted her head.

"You know, that piece of wood with metal sticking out of it that you had to open to get in this very room" Bean Bag-boy muttered sarcastically.

A chuckle on the couch alerted me to the figure lounging on the red velvet couch.

"Easy now, she is just distracted by her 'best friend' "

A gorgeous tan figure lounging on the couch piped up, stifling a yawn. He had a genuine smile written all over him and a relaxed, calm manner.

In the sun, his eyes glowed, beconing me forward. Taking a few more hesitant steps, I edged closer into the room.

Beanbag boy scoffed quietly, dark blue eyes flicking back to me briefly, yet he never turned around, muttering a string of incoherent sentences into his book.

"..." Swallowing, I looked to the ground for comfort, feeling a tad unwelcome.

"Sorry about him, he's a little intense " The boy on the couch ran his fingers sleepily through his hair, standing up good mannerdly.

I didn't even have a chance to respond as I was tackled in a hug, "BRIDGETTTTTTT"

Glaring, Beanbag boy had somehow gotten up without our realization, and kicked the door shut, electing a yelp out of me and my petite friend.

He stalked back to his seat, muttering something along the lines of, 'Raised in a barn, I swear'

"H-Heya Jai--"

The smaller girl nuzzled into my shoulder affectionately, giggling like a mad woman. Long, gorgeous brown- black hair loosely tied back with thin red, blue and black silk ribbons rubbed against my skin, frizzing up from the casual display of affection.

Bound in tight, yet beautiful traditional Chinese clothing, her posture was rather tense and unnaturally straight.

"You know 'Her Highness'?" The Russian with whom she had previously been arguing with loomed over us, curiously bright. Mainly it was because of his large build, but I couldn't help but shrink down. It was hard to describe the feeling, but he at the same time, was and wasn't intimidating.

"She's my best friend!"

"Heyyyy, I thought I was your best friend"

"In your dreams!"

"You dream about me?~"

"Shut up!"

"Very persuasive argument"

"I said shut up"

"Wow, your vocabulary of insults is just  soo fascinating, isn't it, so extensive, so broad" Beanbag boy piped up sarcastically. He wanted to start something.

Maybe it was his only source of entertainment.

"Extens-wat? What does that even mean?!"

Jai lee turned back to beanbag-boy, starting a mini argument over his words. I was admittedly surprised the stoic (and stuck up) boy indulged her nonsense. He must have been incredibly bored.

"You must be the illustrious Dimitri Ivanov, i've heard so much about you" My words felt awkward, and I could only guess how anti-social I was coming across as.

"That I am, I cannot however say I am aware of who you are, дорогой друг (dear friend)"

He was tall, with a thick Russian accent, yet he had a rather soft voice. Set amongst pale skin was the most eye-catching deep-set blue orbs, with the most unique shade of blue I'd ever seen in a person's eyes.

They were dark and light at the same time, purple dancing in between a thin line of grey and a dash of green.

It was strangely hypnotic.

"I--"

Cut off by a loud hiss, sounding scarily like a pair of feral cats, my head whipped around, eyes blown wide in surprise. Covering my ears, Dimitri leant against a counter, amused, "They should call her, 'Your Loudness' rather than highness"

"Oh shut up" Jai lee rolled her eyes moodily, fists clenched.

She stalked away from Beanbag boy, clearly through with whatever he had said to her.

The said boy grimaced, gritting his teeth in an ill tempered manner.

"I'm Bridget Michaels" I tried again, introducing myself nervously.

"Lovino Ricci '' The Italian on the couch smiled lightly.

Lovino was nice. Well, he seemed nice. There was a certain genuinity to him. Then and again, I couldn't judge a book by its cover.

Or could I? I mean, I was assuming the best in him, so this was the exception, wasn't it?

"You already know i'm Jai lee, and this is Dimitri, aka the most annoying man in the world" Jai lee's words were basically rushed and incomprehensible due to the fact she was acting like a child high on caffeine, bouncing about and babbling nonsense.

Glancing over my shoulder, I gazed at the boy on the beanbag.

"Oi, introduce yourself!" Jai lee snapped at him. "Stop being rude, jerk!"

Could have sworn I saw a vein protruding from his temple, and he tried to ignore us by holding his book up higher.

Jai lee won't let this go....

"I won't stop nagging you, what's your name, what's your name, what's your name--"

"ANDERS BORJA" Anders slammed shut his book, looked over his shoulder and literally threw his book in her direction. I barely had time to react as Dimitri became a blur, snatching the book up before it hit the floor.

"You know this book is important to you, what have we said about throwing your belongings when 'Her Highness' is being annoying?" Dimitri purred, sounding like an adult talking to a small child.

Anders rolled his eyes, muttering under his breath, moodily he slowly took his heavy book off the Russian.

Sitting down at the table, Jai lee and Lovino joined me.

***********************************************************************************************************************************

"What subjects do you like in school?" Lovino asked curiously, glancing up briefly from his drawing.

"...Math(?)" I sounded more like a question rather than an answer, but I was substantially more relaxed than when I first arrived. Green eyes smiled at me, clearly pleased with my answer, yet I knew no matter what I would have said, he would have smiled.

In the few hours I had known him, I could tell he was a kind soul who cared about those around him, no matter who you were.

"Yessss!" Jai lee cheered, throwing her hands up in the air, knocking pencils to the tiled floor with an echoing clatter.

Lovino rested an elbow idly on the table, delicately shading his drawing while continuing the conversation, "I love math as well, i'm not very good at many other subjects admittedly"

"Really?!"

The moment it came out of my mouth, I immediately slapped a hand to my mouth, "I'MSORRYTHATWASRUDEOFME--"

Light, musical laughter sounded from his mouth, and in the corner of my eye I saw a sickly dark blue glare.

"It's ok, I never really spent much time in school anyway, I was usually out at photoshoot's, so I tended to miss a lot of school," Lovino shrugged. "I tried to fit some studying in between, but the work never really clicked with me because I was mostly self taught, and I rarely had time for a  tutor... my parents never really pressured me to do better either, so learning was kind of hard for me... only math, Italian and english stuck"

I had learnt that Lovino had become a young model in his pre-teen years, and was rather well known in Italy for some of his work. Made sense based on his looks and style.

"Math was fun for me, it always made sense, well, actually no, a lot of questions were weird... like the sentences they'd be written in" Jai lee piped picking up the pencils from the floor.

"You mean the context that'd be given~" Dimitri singsonged.

"Ah yes, math, the only time where people buy inconspicuous amounts of sh*t and NOONE thinks to ask why. One of the many mysteries in life" Anders rolled his eyes with biting sarcasm. He lay bored in the sun, book skewed on the floor on top of his neatly folded jacket.

Jai lee poked her tongue out at him, to which he responded with a lazy raised middle finger without opening his eyes.

Another half hour passed and everyone was growing bored. Many topics had been issued and the conversation was beginning to drown out. General chatter and questions about each other had been asked. It was interesting to find that everyone in the room knew at least one person in the room in some way.

I knew Jai lee, Jai lee knew Dimitri, Dimitri knew Anders, and Anders knew Lovino.

It felt a little coincidental, but then and again, with the line of work out parents were in, I shrugged the thought away. Dimitri had long since abandoned his strange looking phone, a very D.I.Y looking piece of technology that rested for an eternity in his hand as he typed away with speedy thumbs, walking circles around the table whilst he chatted eagerly with the recipient.

Lovino was drawing picture after picture, it seemed he had a real artistic talent, and Jai lee...

Well, Jai lee had taken to rolling around the floor since she was bored of raiding the pantry, and Anders had threatened to break her hand if she poked him again.

She offered me to join her, to which I politely declined the princesses offer.

Yes, she was my best friend, however 'rolling about the floor was best suited for the professionals', as Dimitri had stated. It was, however, nice to be in the same room with my best friend. It wasn't too often we got to meet in person, due to the whole 'living in different countries' thing.

Scrunched up bundles of paper that littered the floor all ended up in Dimitri's hands eventually and would make a swift course to the back of Anders head.

The Norwegian refused to acknowledge the constant cycle, but it was clear he was getting irritated if his growling meant anything.

"You're really good at art" I complimented, to which I earned a stunning smile.

"Thank you, I spend alot of my time drawing, so I appreciate the compliment"

"Yeah, actually Lovino here designed my tattoo" Dimitri pulled down the corner of his shirt's neckline, revealing a black bird mid-flight with a blue flower in its beak. Underneath the tail feathers lay four stars.

A blush covered my olive skin at the amount of flesh he was showing, shoulders tucking into my body.

Chuckling, Dimitri let the fabric run backup to its original position.

"I got it a few years ago, to commemorate my mother's... passing"

My heart twinged, Jai lee looked away, and Lovino dipped his head in respect, whispering a small prayer.

Gazing at the inside of his right forearm, I noticed another tattoo.

"What's that one?" I asked, Jai lee rolling over to us from her spot on the floor, clutching his arm curiously to inspect the black markings up his arm.

"血で血を洗う。(Washing blood with blood), a Japanese proverb" Dimitri translated.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Jai lee asked confused, running a dainty finger along the markings. "I don't remember this one

"I got it recently, it's to do with family, I would explain it, but it will just go over your head" Dimitri pat her head, ruffling her hair. "Family is the most important thing in the world to me"

Jai lee, though irritated she was being undermined, sat back, mentally trying to work out what it meant.

How can you wash blood with blood?

You could practically see the confusion written all over her face. Humming, Dimitri swiftly made a paper plane, setting its course for the back of Anders head.

True to his aim, it hit its mark.

It was like setting off a bomb.

Or, at least that's what I visualized with that short temper of his.

"That's it," He stood up, shoved his book in his bag and made his way to the door. "F*ck you, f*ck this place, f*ck--"

He cut himself off to curse some more in his language, teeth grit, fists clenched.

He seemed rather unsettled, like something was bothering him outside of the room.

The whole time we were here, he kept glancing back at the door with a dark gaze. It wasn't irritation, but like he was expecting something bad to happen.

The anticipation had him on edge, his nerves were getting to him.

"W-wait, we aren't supposed to leave the r--" I shrunk back at his seething glare, letting out an involuntary squeak of distress. Shrinking down, I shifted closer to Lovino and Jai lee, swallowing nervously.

"Oi! You don't talk to my best friend like that!" Jai lee's words were thrown over everyones head as the pale boy scoffed, silencing any words from his mouth with a look Lovino sent his way.

"Hm..." Dimitri leant against his knuckle, a thoughtful smile lighting up his features, along with an inquisitive, knowing likeness in his eyes.

"Bridget has a point, Anders, we aren't supposed to leave the room, what if we get caught?" Lovino stood up, placing a hand lightly on his friend's shoulder. The next words to come out of his mouth were much more quiet, and felt rather personal. "Look, don't get me wrong, I know what you think about them..."

"After all we researched, I need physical proof, Lovi" Anders whispered back, eyes meeting Dimitri.

The Russian blinked slowly, giving nothing away except a flicker of agreement.

"I wanna explore too!!!" Jai lee jumped about cheerfully.

Turning to me, Lovino sighed, "It seems we are two to two...."

Biting my inner cheek, I felt the soft plush flesh slide between my teeth. It was to calm my racing nerves. I didn't want to disappoint my father, but why did I have the feeling something more was going on?

Something didn't feel right.

Ever since we entered the forest, I could feel something was off. The atmosphere, my instincts screaming to run, and that weird pulsing feeling in my throat.

All that topped off by Anders behaviour unsettled me, I felt like something bigger was going on.

Am I missing something? I wondered anxiously.

Lovino and I communicated with our eyes, gazes turning from doubt, to concern to something that said, 'I need to tell you something...'

"Umm, Bridget, there's something--"

Turning away, we came to the realization that we were the only ones in the room.

"Come on," Rubbing his temples, Lovino sighed, used to Anders' stubborn nature. "Looks like it's up to us to keep them in check...."

[againstthegrainphoto]

I’m gonna say one thing and one thing only.

YOU are not the judge and/or the jury.

It is not for you to decide his innocence or guilt. It is not for you to decide if his response is acceptable or not.

What is yours to decide is how you react to this. Deciding to be a key board warrior and a literal bully and sending death threats and trying to get him fired from his job and spreading hate is the incorrect decision. That makes you the super shitty person here.

[starrylayle]

coming on here to quickly rant abt remadora. Okk yess I know ‘another wolfstar shipper shitting on remadora’ here me out okay!!! Just for a sec!! I read the Harry Potter books for the first time back in 2017 and remadora was my shit. Remus was my second favourite male character and tonks was my second fave female character. (Harry and cho were my first faves — yes I self inserted into Harry and had the biggest crush on cho — yes I cried when they broke up — shut up we all had our embarrassing phases!!)

Anyways back to remadora, I just thought they were so cute together, even tho it felt a little random. But one thing that I remember that really pissed me off was the ship name. I never understood why it was ‘remadora’ and not ‘ronks’. Tonks hated being called Dora!! I remember ranting abt this on my Wattpad acc (yes I know SHHHH) when I was reviewing all the Hp ships.

I don’t ship it anymore (obviously lol) and looking back, I think my issue with the ship name is lowkey symbolic for my key problem with remadora — it basically removes everything that made her interesting in the first place and reduced her to just Another Woman Character in the series. When she got with Remus, she became more mellow, more feminine, more complacent — which are fine traits btw — but that’s not tonks!! Now as I’m older, and re-reading the series, I see a lot of subtext for a gender non-conforming and possibly genderqueer person forced into a heterosexual relationship simply becoz jo didn’t want ppl thinking Remus was gay and coz she had this weird thing abt all ‘good’ women being mothers.

Which brings me to tonk’s pregnancy — I wouldn’t mind a storyline for tonks having a child — I just hate how jkr had to fit it into this whole nuclear family model and get her and Remus to get married. I feel like a more compelling, or at least consistent characterisation would have tonks having a one night stand with Remus after they were both mourning their cousin/uncle/lover’s death. Shit happens sometimes. And it would be interesting to see Tonks and Remus grapple with this and what it means for their child.

Another head cannon I saw on tik tok was that Tonks had a threesome with Fleur and Bill and since polyamory wasn’t socially acceptable she asked Remus to be the stand in legal father — and ofc Remus would say yes coz he’s Remus!! This hc sounded wild to me at first but they all gave me queer vibes and it just makes me happy so now this is the headcanon I stick with lol.

Anyways not every woman has to have a husband and 2-3 kids to be a good person jkr!! Families are complex! Women are complex! And Tonks deserves better imo.

P.s. if you ship remadora that’s completely okay!! This is just my opinion!! I’ve seen remadora shippers who don’t water down tonk’s character/subtextual queerness — I just hate how jkr depicted the ship in canon.

[our-lesboy-experience]

it's upsetting to see people online against your identity who are queer, themselves. I'm mostly desensitized to it because I'm trans lol, but I do still experience frustration towards the people so hellbent on ripping apart the queer community with their intolerance. Just pick up a book, listen to other people about their experiences for ONCE in your life, people. 'Oh it's just fetishistic cis men' when a huge chunk of us are multigender, or nonbinary, or anything but cis and/or binary men. And yes, there are binary men who are lesboys who deserve just as much respect and I'm tired of accepting this idea that if you're a binary man you cannot be a lesbian, cis or otherwise. It's absurd to pretend that sexuality is a box with correct and incorrect ways of being, because that's what cishet homophobes believe too. It's no better to be anti lesboy than homophobic.

I know, when we're placed in a world that seems so man centered, and you're pressured to be into men as a woman when you're not, you can feel insulted by lesbian men and stuff like that. But once you learn that queer people being queer differently than you aren't trying to hurt you, you'll thank yourself for it. Once I stopped believing in some made up rules, my rollercoaster of an identity isn't so confusing or stressful anymore. We can view gender AND sexuality like this, and that's where a good chunk of progressives fall flat. Because when the average person thinks of 'lesbian' they think of women attracted to women exclusively, with hardly any room for gender fuckery or malleable attraction... and the 'nonman x nonman' definition isn't much better. It's still rigid with its allowances.

It's time to leave boxes behind as a community. That's why when I'm elected as president-

sirenium is going to be participating in the election this november. make sure to vote lesboy no matter who

[frooogscream]

oh my god you can not still be framing Cons inappropriate and to be frank suspicious behaviour as him being "relatable" and "quirky about fan art". I also don’t see why you are calling it queer fanart, trying again to rephrase it into something positive he is supporting, when in reality it is simply porn. Porn that children that watch a family show like Our Flag could be seeing on his account!

He has shown clearly who he is in that livestream, showing his fucking bulge to fans! I don’t care if it was just for a few seconds! I don’t care if it was just for a sketch! It is still predatory as hell!

Ok I’m not gonna go through all the BS and why it is BS that reproduces homophobic fearmongering and sexualises queer bodies (esp. comparing it to Rhys and Taika doing the same and coming to the conclusion that them doing it was harmless but the queer man doing so is a "danger to the children" or whatever) again, you can look back to the things I posted when that was fresh if you care to know my stance on this.

Here have a meme instead, I saved yesterday just for occasions like this:

(And to be clear, I’m using 'queer person doing something weird' loosely. I actually think being supportive of queer -yes depicting a character as trans or in homosexual relationships is queer art, don’t know what about that you didn’t get- and kinky fanart though more rare and refreshing is not a "weird"/surprising thing for a queer actor to do. And doing a comedy bit in underwear is not particularly "weird" or uncommon in entertainment ether.)

[gynandromorph]

i don't get why people prioritize making sure scammers never get any money over actually helping people or even just. exhibiting basic empathy. damn, you fucked over a homeless woman but hey at least a hypothetical scammer didn't get your $5 bill. just in case.

[the-holy-ghosted]

how do you think things started. Did Bridgens or Peglar make the first move? Was it before or after John began tutoring him?

Brought up in the book, actually! He taught Peglar how to read while they were on their Beagle voyage and when they came home, he sought Bridgens out again for more lessons. At some point after finding him again, Peglar made the first move on him.

From chapter 28, the first of a handful of Peglar POV chapters. Despite the book being... the way it is, I do like how it does these two. If you were to read any part of it, read chapters 28 and 50. My suggestion to you heehee

[comphetkoncass]

roy harper fans: sorry in advance for the fic im editing and posting today! if you read rhato it's pretty hard to view him in a positive light. and i want to talk about rhato.

premise:

dick grayson finds out that roy dated kory. you know -- when she had trauma induced amnesia, had isolated herself from anyone who remembered and cared about her, and was behaving erratically.

dick grayson punches roy harper right in his fucking nose.

[zekekaiju]

Memo 78: Regarding human psyche

Recorded by Galactic representative pharoadosh of the echelonions

As some of you are doubtless aware, many species feel very uncomfortable around cosmic defender 349728, particularly members of the intergalactic community who utilize telepathic communication or sub telepathic scanning. All of you report bursts of emotion from seemingly no source that do not match the situation and/or body language presented by cosmic defender 349728. This is normal and not any cause for alarm. Humans have at least 3 psyches, emotional, logical and the subconscious. The subconscious runs information through simple thought processes and cross references those against similar situations and then will present a subset of that information to the conscious mind whenever it feels like it. It may only pick out this relevant data point weeks later in an entirely different situation. The emotional mind may react very oddly to the situation picking out something particularly amusing or sad or some other emotional response but the logical mind suppresses the outward reaction. Hence the inappropriate burst of emotion coming from nowhere.

Some of you have noted a sustained period of emotion that doesn't match cosmic defender 349728's outward reaction. Humans frequently have to adapt to situations that they find unpleasant but must pretend that they enjoy. They learn at a young age to modify their body language to present different social cues while internally they feel differently. Please ignore these situations as acknowledging them will only make the problem worse.

A few of you have noted long periods of time when cosmic defender 349728 just stops thinking. These periods can even occur during prolonged activity that should require some level of consciousness. We don't know how or why he does this. He might legitimately be dead during those periods, I simply don't know and neither does he. Yes I am aware that this is a completely terrifying fact and no I don't know of anyway to make it less scary.

Sometimes the human, while fully conscious, will engage in elaborate mental scenarios. He generally only does this if there is nothing else to occupy his attention. Sometimes those scenarios are unusually violent. This isn't any cause for alarm these are merely mental exercises. Cosmic defender 349728 grew up on a super-toxic death world and his species has a natural inclination towards violence as part of their predatory biology. He is a hyper aware predatory species, with extremely developed visualisation and mapping skills designed to help him track his prey. In absence of of external stimulus his predatory brain will self stimulate. Presumably this is done to prevent his violent tendencies from making him attack his packmates.

A final word of caution, there are aspects of the human mind that humans themselves maybe unaware of so venture in at your own peril.

[multi-lefaiye]

haha wow!! what a good post about misogyny and transphobia!! you're not about to recreate bioessentialism and slap a trans-friendly coat of paint on it though, right??? proving you have not actually deconstructed those ideas in your brain and still believe radfem-style gender essentialism... right??

[predatoryminds]

What is Predatory Minds? 

Well, Predatory Minds is one of the few book series I have been working on, and it is my longest running series. I’ve been working on this series for over Eight years, and it is my most important series out of all of the books i’ve been writing. Predatory Minds is a mixed first person P.O.V series covering the adventures of a few unfortunate teenagers who have been unknowingly experimented on by the famous company which is basically this world’s Amazon,  who has been working (and buying) it’s way into the central intelligence and governments of the world, Arrowsmith.  Bridget Michaels is struggling with her parent’s inevitable divorce, no matter how hard (or not) they try to hide it from her. Secret DJ, otherwise she does moderately ok in school, keeps more to herself, and struggles with acceptance and self-esteem.  In other words, yes, she is your stereotypical main character. With both her parents working for the United State’s government, they decide to take Bridget with them to the secret office in New Hampshire (where they live) after giving some lame excuses why she can’t stay home, initiating a tense car ride.  This alone is uncharacteristic, since this office is top secret, and very few know of this location. So, Bridget expects this is probably where she will be getting the talk.  Well, turns out it’s not the talk she was expecting....  She meet’s a few other unique individuals, all of which belong to families with some form of government ties.   Her best (and only real) friend, Jai lee Yang the Third of the Yang Dynasty, (AKA: the Future empress of The People’s Republic of China and Kazakhstan.) a childish and pouty, yet loveable chatter mouth with Daddy issues, and a distaste for the marriage her father keeps trying to set up for her.  Lovino Lacino Ricci, a small-time gorgeous Italian model with a heart of gold that puts everyone ahead of himself, and feels rather objectified by his rather questionable family ties. He is also the voice of reason for the group, and the only one who really can tolerate his fiery best friend, Anders.  Anders Borja, the sharp tongued snarky, short tempered genius, and traumatized jerk of the group. A conspirest, and the only one seemingly with knowledge of a certain event that they all supposedly were a part of and the first to voice his mistrust towards Arrowsmith.  And last, but not least, the fan favorite, Dimitri Udalyat’ Ivanov. A mysterious, impossible to read psychopath with calm, and suave mannerisms. Everything he says is meticulously planned, and he is always smiling. He is the Cheshire cat waiting to strike. And, the so-called 'best-friend' of Jai lee (Who denies it at all costs).  What's even stranger, is the fact the four teens of a similar age are brought together, rather than being kept in their separate accommodation after the long flight from their home countries.  As each interaction reveals secret after secret, Anders suspicions are spoken aloud by a set of rash decisions, and a set of codes entangling these teenagers' fates.  What exactly are these black numbers branded onto their skin, what do they mean? And what actually happened all those years ago when it all started?  So, with that description, I hope you look forward to the series, and feel free to ask any questions! Some early art and well concept designs of some characters might eventually be released and teaser chapters will be posted on the official Tumblr. With Predatory Minds, there will be the main series, and after the final issue is dropped, I have been working on many mini series and spin offs of the main characters and side characters highlighting aftermath events, backstory’s pre-dating the main series, and snippet’s from other characters during different events the main few were not a part of.  The series, despite involving abilities, is focused on being as realistic as possible in many aspects, and I am trying my best, so I honestly do hope you enjoy it!!! Honestly, this series is my love, and the characters my babies. I really do hope you enjoy this. However, this series will have rather grotesque scenes, and a fair amount of gore. I do not condone the use of violence in real life, and this entire series is fictional!!! Please don't try to reenact any of this in real life if it is not legal, or something a functioning member of society would do. And, no, please do not think that the actions of my characters reflect my personal beliefs or opinions. THIS IS FICTION.

[osmiabee]

what the bally fuck is this "very demure very mindful" shit popping up everywhere. can we all PLEASE go back to slutting it up and farting max volume?!? I hate it here.

[theladyinwhite13]

.

[furiousgoldfish]

Abusers will sometimes go and ask you invasive questions so inappropriate and out of this world you'll be too shocked to process what information is even being asked of you right now, and in what context. They'll pretend they're your friends or confidantes and ask you intimate questions about your relationship, they'll ask you what you do in the shower, they'll ask you what you think about and if you fantasize about being violated or hurt, they'll shamelessly tell you that they know what you're thinking in your most private thoughts and try to provoke you to admit it, or even worse, take your denial of it for admission.

If you don't volunteer your personal information to someone, they have no right whatsoever to ask for it. Asking for someone's private thoughts, asking about their intimate relationship, sexual life, private fantasies or secret thoughts, intimate body functions or acts you do when you're unclothed, that is invasive, creepy, inappropriate and unwelcome in anyone's life. Especially if it comes from a parent, relative or a guardian!

But when you're asked such things, you don't register right away how otherworldly and insane it is that this is happening, you realize that they're asking you to 'pretend you're buddy buddy and share this info casually' and you're forced to either give in or be appalled and openly shocked and disgusted to which you know they will react badly and try to shame you further. If someone is asking private info like this, you have every right to ask them 'Do you think this is a normal thing to ask? Who are you to ask me this? Why would you need this information of me? I am under no obligation to answer this to you.' and sometimes even that isn't possible because the abusers get aggressive if they don't get what they want.

Someone asking you shocking, intrusive, private and intimate questions about yourself is a red flag and you're allowed to consider that person a creep, predator and a dangerous individual to yourself. They have no right to ask. You are under no obligation to answer.

[bubblegum-blackwood]

Homoeroticism in Carmilla:

- Laura about Carmilla: "[Her face] was pretty, even beautiful"

- Laura about Carmilla: "Her smile had softened. Whatever I had fancied strange in it, was gone, and it and her dimpling cheeks were delightfully pretty and intelligent."

- Laura about Carmilla: "I took her hand as I spoke. I was a little shy, as lonely people are, but the situation made me eloquent, and even bold. She pressed my hand, she laid hers upon it, and her eyes glowed, as, looking hastily into mine, she smiled again, and blushed. She answered my welcome very prettily."

- Carmilla to Laura: "I saw you - most assuredly you - as I see you now; a beautiful young lady, with golden hair and large blue eyes, and lips - your lips - you as you are here. Your looks won me; I climbed on the bed and put my arms about you, and I think we both fell asleep."

- Laura about Carmilla: "She sighed, and her fine dark eyes gazed passionately on me. Now the truth is, I felt rather unaccountably towards the beautiful stranger. I did feel, as she said, 'drawn towards her', but there was also something of repulsion. In this ambiguous feeling, however, the sense of attraction immensely prevailed. She interested and won me; she was so beautiful and so indescribably engaging."

- Laura about Carmilla: "She held me close in her pretty arms for a moment and whispered in my ear, 'Good night, darling, it is very hard to part with you, but good night; tomorrow, but not early, I shall see you again.' She sank back on the pillow with a sigh, and her fine eyes followed me with a fond and melancholy gaze, and she murmured again, 'Good night, dear friend.' Young people like, and even love, on impulse. I was flattered by the evident, though as yet undeserved, fondness she showed me. I liked the confidence with which she at once received me. She was determined that we should be very near friends. Next day came and we met again. I was delighted with my companion; that is to say, in many respects. Her looks lost nothing in daylight - she was certainly the most beautiful creature I had ever seen, and the unpleasant remembrance of the face presented in my early dream, had lost the effect of the first unexpected recognition."

- Laura about Carmilla: "She was slender, and wonderfully graceful. Except that her movements were languid - very languid - indeed, there was nothing in her appearance to indicate an invalid. Her complexion was rich and brilliant; her features were small and beautifully formed; her eyes large, dark, and lustrous; her hair was quite wonderful, I never saw hair so magnificently thick and long when it was down about her shoulders; I have often placed my hands under it, and laughed with wonder at its weight. It was exquisitely fine and soft, and in colour a rich, very dark brown, with something of gold. I loved to let it down, tumbling with its own weight, as, in her room, she lay back in her chair talking in her sweet low voice, I used to fold and braid it, and spread it out and play with it."

- Laura about Carmilla: "But no matter what my tactics, utter failure was invariably the result. Reproaches and caresses were all lost upon her. But I must add this, that her evasion was conducted with so pretty a melancholy and deprecation, with so many, and even passionate declarations of her liking for me, and trust in my honour, and with so many promises that I should at last know all, that I could not find it in my heart long to be offended with her. She used to place her pretty arms about my neck, draw me to her, and laying her cheek to mine, murmur with her lips near my ear, 'Dearest, your little heart is wounded; think me not cruel because I obey the irresistible law of my strength and weakness; if your dear heart is wounded, my wild heart bleeds with yours. In the rapture of my enormous humiliation I live in your warm life, and you shall die - die, sweetly die - into mine. I cannot help it; as I draw near to you, you, in your turn, will draw near to others, and learn the rapture of the cruelty, which yet is love; so, for a while, seek to know no more of me and mine, but trust me with all your loving spirit.' And when she had spoken such a rhapsody, she would press me more closely in her trembling embrace, and her lips in soft kisses gently glow upon my cheek."

- Laura about Carmilla: "In these mysterious moods I did not like her. I experienced a strange tumultuous excitement that was pleasurable, ever and anon, mingled with a vague sense of fear and disgust. I had no distinct thoughts about her while such scenes lasted, but I was conscious of a love growing into adoration, and also of abhorrence. This I know is a paradox, but I can make no other attempt to explain the feeling."

- Laura about Carmilla: "Sometimes after an hour of apathy, my strange and beautiful companion would take my hand and hold it with a fond pressure, renewed again and again; blushing softly, gazing in my face with languid and burning eyes, and breathing so fast that her dress rose and fell with the tumultuous respiration. It was like the ardour of a lover; it embarrassed me; it was hateful and yet overpowering; and with gloating eyes she drew me to her, and her hot lips travelled along my cheek in kisses; and she would whisper, almost in sobs, 'You are mine, you shall be mine, you and I are one forever.' Then she had thrown herself back in her chair, with her small hands over her eyes, leaving me trembling."

- Carmilla to Laura: "Sit down here, beside me; sit close; hold my hand; press it hard - hard - harder."

- Laura about Carmilla: "She looked languidly in my eyes, and passed her arm round my waist lovingly, and led me out of the room."

- "She rose, and each with her arm about the other's waist, we walked out upon the pavement. In silence, slowly we walked down to the drawbridge, where the beautiful landscape opened before us. 'And so you were thinking of the night I came here?' she almost whispered. 'Are you glad I came?' 'Delighted, dear Carmilla,' I answered. 'And you asked for the picture you think like me, to hang in your room,' she murmured with a sigh, as she drew her arm closer about my waist, and let her pretty head sink upon my shoulder. 'How romantic you are, Carmilla,' I said. 'Whenever you tell me your story, it will be made up chiefly of some one great romance.' She kissed me silently. 'I am sure, Carmilla, you have been in love; that there is, at this moment, an affair of the heart going on.' 'I have been in love with no one, and never shall,' she whispered, 'unless it should be with you.' How beautiful she looked in the moonlight! Shy and strange was the look with which she quickly hid her face in my neck and hair, with tumultuous sighs, that seemed almost to sob, and pressed in mine a hand that trembled. Her soft cheek was glowing against mine. 'Darling, darling,' she murmured, 'I live in you; and you would die for me, I love you so.'"

- Carmilla to Laura: "You do not know how dear you are to me, or you could not think any confidence too great to look for. But I am under vows, no nun half so awfully, and I dare not tell my story yet, even to you. The time is very near when you shall know everything. You will think me cruel, very selfish, but love is always selfish; the more ardent the more selfish. How jealous I am you cannot know. You must come with me, loving me, to death; or else hate me and still come with me and hating me  through death and after. There is no such word as indifference in my apathetic nature."

- Laura: "Carmilla became more devoted to me than ever, and her strange paroxysms of languid adoration more frequent. She used to gloat on me with increasing ardour the more my strength and spirits waned."

- Laura about Carmilla: "She beckoned me to her with her pretty finger, in silence. Her face expressed extreme fear. I ran to her in an ecstasy of joy; I kissed and embraced her again and again.”

- General Spielsdorf about Carmilla: "In the meantime the young lady, whom her mother called by the odd name of Millarca, when she once or twice addressed her, had, with the same ease and grace, got into conversation with my ward. She introduced herself by saying that her mother was a very old acquaintance of mine. She spoke of the agreeable audacity which a mask rendered practicable; she talked like a friend; she admired her dress and insinuated very prettily her admiration of her beauty. She amused her with laughing criticisms upon the people who crowded the ballroom, and laughed at my poor child's fun. She was very witty and lively when she pleased, and after a time they had grown very good friends, and the young stranger lowered her mask, displaying a remarkably beautiful face. I had never seen it before, neither had my dear child. But though it was new to us, the features were so engaging, as well as lovely, that it was impossible not to feel the attraction powerfully. My poor girl did so. I never saw anyone more taken with another at first sight, unless, indeed, it was the stranger herself, who seemed quite to have lost her heart to her."

[tortademaracuya]

I feel so selfconscious lately and im starting to get so, disgusted with myself. I know this is part of my internal mental issues with being a lesbian and fear of appearing predatory to others but Im truly feeling so disgusted by my art I want to disappear.