#powerade is my life support

[growandrecover]

My doctor told me that I have 1-5 years to live if I don’t recover from my ED. But I’m still scared to recover. Any suggestions on how I can start?

Hey, anon.

Let me start off by saying how sorry I am. I can't imagine how scary that must be. I'm rooting for you, and I truly hope you can recover and live a long, happy, and fulfilling life. I have faith in you, and the entire recovery community has your back. You can do this.

If you're able, I'd find a therapist or try to get into a treatment facility. You can certainly do things on your own, but the best option (if it's available to you) would be professional help. Treatment takes a while to get into, so if that's something you're able to afford, you should start doing research and look into that now. I know it's scary, but it'll save your life.

If those things aren't possible for you, don't worry, you can still get better.

First of all, you're going to need support. That can be anyone (who doesn't have the same perception of food that you do- no Ana buddies), and if you don't have anyone, I can help you if you'd like. Someone who can sit with you while you eat, either on the phone or physically, to both distract and encourage you to make sure you're eating. If you're having trouble, this person could redirect you or simply just listen.

The most effective start for me was challenging my fear foods. I've mentioned this one specific thing before, but it was the very beginning of me getting better. My therapist asked me if I could try to eat a few M&M's since I love sweet foods. I was completely opposed, but my mom had me start with 4. That seemed impossible, and I was terrified. How could I eat them? Didn't she know what they would do to me? But I remembered how much I missed my favorite foods, and facing your fears is one of the best ways to overcome them. I'm not going to lie, even though it was 4 M&M's, I was upset about it afterwards. This will likely be difficult for you, but keep in mind that there are millions of people who have been in your shoes and will continue to be in your shoes. They have recovered, and so can you.

I'd also recommend adding more food to whatever meals you're eating. If you're not eating three meals a day, suddenly jumping to that might be hard for you to maintain. If you eat one or two, maybe add a food group to whatever it is you've prepared. I'm assuming that you've probably cut out at least one food group, and if that's correct, try adding the least scary thing. So for example, if you don't eat fats, you could add cheese, nuts, avocados or whatever you feel like. If those are fear foods for you, maybe just eat more of your fear foods if you can. Eventually you can add another meal to your day, and another, until you're eating like most people.

Some people in my treatment group had to drink Ensure. It was an easy way to add calories to their daily intake without eating any extra. That might work better for you.

Just a heads up: Your body may not react well to this. I got stomach aches every time I ate, and had frequent headaches as well. There's also something called Refeeding Syndrome. I'd advise you to look into this before doing anything, as it's deadly. A big perk of having professional help would be them keeping an eye out for this. If you can't get professional help, you should talk to your doctor about it and how you can avoid it.

If you're someone who overexercises, uses (or abuses) laxatives, purges, or engages in similar activities, you need to cut down on that as much as you can bear. Maybe instead of exercising for your regular amount of time, you could reduce it to that amount of time a few times a week or just a little bit (I'm talking like 30 minutes or less) each day if you can't do the first one. If you use or abuse laxatives, tell your doctor immediately. I'm neither a psychological or medical expert, so I don't want to give you advice that could hurt you. The only thing I can say with certainty is to drink some Powerade or Gatorade (they have them in zero cals if you're afraid to drink stuff with cals) to replenish the electrolytes you're losing. I don't know that much about purging via vomiting, but try to limit how many times a day you do it.

If you're on any kind of pro-ed social media, get off of it asap. Watching shows or movies (or even reading books) that encourage them should be put on hold as well. If you have any pro-ed friends or family members, I'm not going to tell you to cut them off, but you need to set boundaries about what you talk about with them. If they don't understand that, then maybe you should reconsider the amount of time you spend with them. I'm not trying to be mean, I just know how difficult it is to have people in your life encouraging something that's horrible for you.

I really hope at least some of this was useful to you, anon. If you need to talk or have more questions feel free to send me a message or another ask.

What you're about to do is scary, and it's okay to be scared. But you're stronger than your ed and you can recover from it. I have the utmost faith in you. I wish you the best of luck, and I'm sending you so much love ♡

[dlxxv-vetted-donations]

My friend Tawfik is supporting these campaigns (he did not vet them) despite going through incredible hardships in his own life. Thank you!!!

The info for @/3bdulra7manosama is a bit outdated and I will update it on my end sometime this week

Here's Tawfik's campaign (vet link), which is on hold promotion-wise for a bit as he requests a deadline extension from his university!

Random tags | I'd appreciate a share/donate | msg me here or at dlxxv-vetted-donations2 (if this blog's msgs are closed) for removal from tag list

@ringneckedpheasant @stxrddst @timogsilangan @macrotiis @aners

@kallistoi @shadow-von-vamp @wandaslesbian @chipistrate @werehoghog

@papenathys @wizardpotions @powerade @mustbemyexit @officialspec

Urgent

I will be supporting these campaigns this week.

These campaigns were selected based on their vetted campaign and lack of donations.

• @3bdulra7manosama : Needs €3,100 by to pay tuition. Current progress: €2,627 / €3,100 vetted

• @ahmadwaleed555 : Needs USD $3,500 for tent and winter supplies. Current progress: $205 / $3,500 vetted

• @abdallahblog0 : Help Abdallah Mousa and His Family Escape Genocide. Current Progress: $2,935 / $30K vetted

Over the next 5 days please support these campaigns I believe are in dire need of help and are not getting enough promotion.

[lucy-in-the-house]

☆~Oc info sheet~☆

So I decided to get off my lazy @ss and post this :b

^^^sketch of my oc(tails and ears not included)doing one of her favorite passtimes, free-run parkour in search of a wall to graffiti^^^

☆*Full name*☆

Lucy Jeanette Eileen Giroud

☆*Nicknames*☆

Lu

"The fox"

☆*Sign*☆

Scorpio

☆*Birthday*☆

16/11

☆*Age*☆

17 (physically)

☆*Status*☆

Alive

☆*Race*☆

Half human/half demon

☆*Ethnicity*☆

French-American-British

☆*Gender*☆

Pineapple. Just kidding, Female

☆*Height*☆

1m62

☆*Weight*☆

50kg

☆*Blood type*☆

HH, also known as 'Bombay Blood'

☆*Eye color*☆

Hazel

☆*Hair color*☆

Orange/Red

☆*Occupation*☆

2nd year highschool student, or in France: Terminale student. And the personal bodyguard of the heir to a worldwide criminal organization.

☆*Relatives*☆

-Eliott Giroud (older brother).

-Lisana Teatly (Lily for short, childhood friend).

-Thomas Carlson (childhood friend)

☆*Hobbies*☆

Drawing, 'performing arts' (dancing, singing, theatre,...), playing video games, watching anime and listening to Kpop.

☆*Favorite food*☆

Chocolate and any soft, and not sour, candy.

☆*Favorite drink*☆

Powerade

Bubble tea

Iron bru (for the meme)

☆*For dem shipzzzz*☆

I like to ship her with Laito :3

/(0^0)/

☆*Quotes*☆

"Crazy is such an ugly word. I prefer... mentally unstable."

"I ain't no fox!"

"You vamps are literally oversized mosquitos"

"*Irish accent* you wanna go mate? You wanna fight? I'll bash ye 'ead in! I swear on meh mom I'll destroy ya!"

"Well imma just skiddadle the heck outta here"

"Hon Hon Hon I am very française!"

"GO GET DESTROYED!"

"*T pose* I'm the meme Lord and punmaster. Fear my powerrrrr..."

"If you're feeling suicidal you came to the right place! Cuz I'm gonna f*****g kill myself as well"

"BTS are true Gods. No need for Jesus when I got these sunshines."

☆*Clothes*☆

She will usually wear a red or purple hoodie with black shorts (sometimes jeans) with pink thigh highs and white shoes. She always has three hairclips to hold up the right part of her fringe. She has a pair of red glasses but doesn't wear them often because she forgets. She is very pale (mostly because of her unbalanced health) and is a bit chubby, she's a bit too busty for her age (but seriously doesn't give a damn).

☆*Personality*☆

She's a really laid back and bubbly girl, who has a bad case of swearing, and talking about morbid subjects with problem. She a good person, though she might be psycopathic. However, she's absolutely horrible at socializing, as a child she never had the chance to, so she has difficulty opening up to others, or speaking to people she isn't familiar with. Apart from that, she can get very sassy and sarcastic with a pinch of salt. She gets easily triggered like say sh&t about her fam and she'll diss yo @ss. She's also a 'daredevil', and will never say no to a challenge. She a kind soul with a pinch of spicyness and MEMES.

And although she's a weirdo, she a good and respectful student.

And I almost forgot, she a Kpop fan and an otaku (not a weaboo) so her social life is n o n e x i s t a n t.

☆*History*☆

(Note: her history is long, but if you read it all you'll get a cookie🍰🍩🍰🍪🍪🍪🍪)

Lucy was born in an average family. She grew up in france, though she was born in america. Her life at home was pretty normal, though she didn't get along very well with her father or siblings, but Lucy was pretty close to her mother who was like a best friend to her. At school however, she was constantly bullied, both mentally and physically. The reasons were one because she was the only child with red hair in her school (and they thought she had some contamination), and because she didn't fit in any social groups.

She grew up thinking she was a freak of nature and a disgrace, cursed to be alone, that love was something she'd ever experience and learned that the only way to be left alone was by being creepy and/or violent.

However, she managed to make friends with two people, and she made her mind to protect them no matter what. The bullying went on for 10 years. Her parents tried taking her to therapists, doctors, psycologist, but not one could fix her broken mind. So the only option they had left was to send her away to her Uncle and Cousin, after that day, she never saw her biological family again. (Except for her brother)

Her cousin Caitlin (who is now dead) was like an older sister, and was nice to her. She soon found out that her family came down from generations of monster hunters, her uncle was one, and so was her cousin, her cousin taught her how to fight, and the weakness of practically every monster that she could remember. But her cousin's intentions behind educating her on this topic was to find herself a replacement, to kill a demon she had summoned a few years back. Caitlin had sacrificed her soul to a demon to obtain the weapon needed, which she gave to Lucy.

After her cousin dissapeared, she went back to her hometown and reunited with her friends. She spent the next year hunting the demon her cousin was aiming for, but little did she know that the demon was also looking for her. When they finally encountered, it was a hard battle. Lucy won, but barely alive, having a big scar going across her torso. But before the demon died, it infuses its soul into Lucy's body, giving Lucy it's powers and cursing her with immortality. After that fight, she went back to her friends. They traveled down to the South of France and settled there, trying to live 'normal' lives... Until one day, she received orders from [...] to live with the sakamakis.

☆*Relationships*☆

-Eliott: they almost never interact, although they are family. They only speak when it comes to business or important matters.

-Lily: they are very close, Lily is one of the only two people who know Lucy inside out. Lucy has sworn to protect Lily even if it would cost her life. They love to hangout together and cry over fandoms.

-Thomas: same as Lily, except he's like a mom, always taking care of Lucy, even when she says she doesn't need help, they both share a love for kpop and anime. Lucy's emotional bond with Thomas is stronger than anyone else she's close to, even Lily.

☆*Abilities*☆

As Lucy is half demon, she gained most of the abilities of the demon who infused itself into her, who was a shadow demon:

-increased strength and hearing

-teleportation

-she can sorta float

-the shadow realm: by jumping into a shadow (a person's shadow, object's shadow, any shadow at all) she can enter an dimension called "the shadow realm", a place only shadow demon may access

-a little thing I like to call Katherine: Katherine was the 'name' of the demon Lucy fought with, this ability activities when she deadly mad or under too much stress or pressure that she just snaps and goes psycho. She has strange black tentacles (like a kagune from Tokyo ghoul). She will attack anything around her. Only Thomas and Lily can control her under this form.

Lucy has been fighting since as long as she can remember, so she is very skilled in the domaine.

Although she might not have all the abilities of the demon, she's still more powerful than a demon, as the fact she has emotions (which demons don't) has a great impact on her powers.

Lucy can't die from age ot sickness. But she candie from bloodloss and getting wounded, as she heals only slightly faster than a human.

☆*other info*☆

1-Lucy was the second eldest of her biological family.

2-she enherited half of her father's company (the other half her older brother) and her family's mansion.

3-she an absolute virgin :/ *le sad music*

4-She's left handed, therefore her capacity at cutting meat is non-exigent (true story, left handed people struggle more at cutting meat, and I'm talking out of experience because I am left handed)

5-she speaks fluent English and French (Those were the two languages she spoke throughout her childhood), she also learned German, Japanese and is trying to learn Korean. She's also fluent in Shakespearean and in both English and Australian slang.

6-in the south of France, she goes to a highly reputed international campus.

7-lucy doesn't like physical contact whatsoever, except for Thomas and Lily, and she can just about tolerate Laito but She gets really flushed and embarrassed. She gets uncomfortable when people touch her hair, shoulders, lower back and thighs, if someone does touch her there she'll flinch and try to pry them off.

8-she only wears clothes that fully cover her body because she's a very self aware person and she's covered in scars because of her sh&tty childhood.

[willhammersla]

Day 2 -

We provided our first saliva samples for COVID testing today. I tell you, it is actually quite the effort to produce enough, without bubbles, to reach the little black line!

This is also our last day before official training begins at the filed of play. Out at AOMI park, one of the many Olympic venues!

It’s amazing how quickly you settle into village life, sharing a room with a fellow coach, albeit from another sport (BMX in this case!), to strolling down to the enormous food hall, to booking time at the gym, team eskies filled with ice vests and Powerade slushies, and evenings watching sport on multiple giant TV’s in the outside lounge.

The roars from our fellow Aus athletes erupting as we win another medal! It is quite surreal to be a part of this team. The immense level of complex support, like ice baths in the basement, to world record holding athletes, sipping their morning coffee, partially obscured by their Australian mask.

The other thing, is the enormity of the village itself. We are in a 14 story apartment bloc, 11 of which are taken up by team AUS at AUS HQ (see my tiktok for a very speedy run through). You can look out my balcony window and see the US team rooms, across the road, Japan, next door Great Britain.

Tomorrow will be a big day, with training starting at 5pm local time and running through to 9pm, the general feelings however seem to be that of relief, Ocea and Tom ready to do what they came here to do. Decked out in the green and gold, the same green and gold that it’s been since the first Australian competed in the Olympics (we had a short history lesson today, 1896 Edwin Flack, Tennis player and runner…. ). The same green and gold our swimmers wear, runners, divers, hockey players…….. and now sport climbers. What a time to be alive!

[madisonhentosh]

A Day In The Life Of An Endicott Student-Athlete

Ever wonder what it’s like to be a student athlete at Endicott College? I caught up with Catherine Miles, a member of the women’s ice hockey team, this past week to get a glimpse into her busy schedule.

Miles is a 20 year old Sophomore on the Beverly campus hailing from Northfield, Vermont, home also to Norwich University. Although the town of Northfield and its people are considered her family, Miles has found, and been welcomed into, a new family on the Endicott campus.

The Northfield Pharmacy is the only pharmacy in town. It is in the center of the downtown area which only consists of a handful of stores adding to the homey feel of Northfield.

With hopes of being a physicians assistant when she graduates, Miles is currently studying Exercise Science. A popular major among athletes, she finds herself in classes surrounded by other athletes from various sports teams.

Miles checks her class Canvas page prior to the start of class.

After waking up and preparing herself for the day, a typical Wednesday morning involves Miles walking from Stoneridge Hall all the way to the Arts Center, or better known as the VPAC. From 9:00-9:50a.m. she sits attentively in a class labeled philosophy and sport. As the clock strikes ten to the hour, the rose gold Mac laptop gets placed back in her backpack and she prepares to walk back to her dorm as her next class begins.

Being a college student during a pandemic means hybrid learning, and today, Miles’ 10 o'clock class, exercise physiology, happened to be occurring on Zoom. She did admit that, “keeping up with when, where, and what days you are actually in the classroom seems to be the hardest part of hybrid learning.”

Welcome to Zoom University! Miles completes her last two classes of the day in the comfort of her own room.

The academic day comes to an end with sport and exercise nutrition from 11:00-11:50a.m., also on Zoom. But, with the academic day coming to an end, the athletics part of the day is just beginning.

All teams on campus participate in strength and conditioning with Coach Dustin. The women’s hockey team mostly all lift on Monday and Wednesday mid morning to afternoon. Miles was placed in the 12:30pm lift group with a few other members of the team along with a couple members of the women’s lacrosse team.

The Endicott facilities are second to none. It is a rare occasion to see this gym empty of athletes and their hardworking, get-better, attitudes.

Due to the pandemic, regulations and precautions allow for 10 people in a lift group at a time, so team lifts are off the table. Team lifts were always a good way to build team chemistry and build a positive atmosphere as your teammates attempted max weights on exercises such as back squats, hang cleans, and bench presses. Miles stated that, “[a]s long as everyone does what they need to do in the weight room, time usually spent together at lift can be made up in other ways.”

As lift concludes, Miles now finally has the time to eat lunch. When asked about Callahan or the new market in the Wax, she responded with a smile, “I think the new options in the Wax could be one of the better things to happen on campus.”

The Callahan Dining Hall is usually the most popular choice for meals on campus. Other options include Einstein’s, the Lodge, and the new market located within the Wax Academic Center.

With the academics and lift now complete, Miles now has some two hours of down time as practice starts at 3:40p.m.

We happened to catch Miles on a good day, well good day to be a reporter, as the women’s ice hockey team happened to be having their team media day. As the team picked time slots to go and take pictures, Miles picked the 2:00 slot, and we can understand why with her busy day leading up to this point.

Photographer David Le, who runs all of the media days for the athletic teams, was at the Raymond J. Bourque Ice Arena on campus from 11:00-3:00p.m. snapping shots of the 35 members of the team. Miles got herself dolled up and headed over to the rink for both her headshot and on ice posed photos. She completes her temperature check and CoVerified check at the door and gets cleared to enter.

Miles awaits practice as media day concludes. The pre-game practice fuel of choice is a handful of Baked Lays chips with an Honest iced tea.

Now that the fun and games of media day had wrapped up, it was time for business as the team is preparing for their two upcoming games against Nichols College. “Practice is valued just as much as games this year because in reality, there is no guarantee our games will go as planned this weekend”, Miles added. COVID has made athletes everywhere value their sport even more than usual because one positive test can impact the whole, shortened season.

Quarantine took away the opportunity to step on the ice everyday. It took away the opportunity for fans to hear the ringing of the post, blades cutting into the ice, and the cheers of temmarts when a goal was scored. Miles added, “... having hockey taken away made me realize how big of a blessing hockey has been for me in my life. Each time I step on the ice now it’s a breath of fresh air, an escape from the outside chaos of the world.”

Ever since a young age playing for the Northfield Stars, Miles fell in love with the game of hockey unaware of how big of a role it would play in her later years.

Miles, a center, is a tenacious, hard-working player that might go unnoticed. Today’s practice at the Raymond J. Bourque Arena was defensive and neutral zone focused featuring a lot of regrouping and down low coverage. Being put in the center position of recent, Miles can be seen on the ice asking questions not only to the coach, but to upperclassmen who excel in the same position. Having played defense before and having experience, Miles understands the importance of staying low and supporting the puck on the breakout, which she is applauded for on many occasions by Coach McPhee.

As a freshman, Miles only logged minutes in 2 out of the 26 games played. But now, as a sophomore, she has 3 points in the past 3 games with a +4 rating, scoring her first goal in the Nichols series.

Miles (#28) looks to angle a Suffolk defender through transition.

“Every year is a tryout and an opportunity to prove yourself, and to others, that you deserve a spot on the lineup”, she explained. With 35 members on the team, practice is high-tempo and competitive as Coach McPhee looks to reward the hardest workers. Miles’ offseason efforts in the gym and on the ice, training with ELEV 802 in Vermont has seemed to pay off this year. There is always something to work on and when asked what that was, she quickly responded, “faceoffs, no doubt”, with a laugh.

5:10p.m.: Practice is wrapped up and Miles heads for the shower.

Following a shower, Miles, along with her teammates, head to the Callahan Dining Hall. On the menu tonight was a grilled chicken taco bowl, roasted vegetables, and of course, the Miles classic, a blue Powerade. “There’s just something about a blue Powerade from the Callahan. It’s almost like a Sprite from McDonald’s”, she discussed.

Surrounded by teammates, Miles finishes her meal at the Callahan before getting ready to head to work.

Although you may be expecting a typical end of the night with homework and Netflix in bed, our star of the show had other plans.

From 6:30-10:00p.m. Miles can be found working at the Post Center checking people into the gym, cleaning gym equipment, and monitoring open rec. Here she can work on homework, which she usually gets most of it done, watch Netflix, and today she even got the chance to watch her boyfriend play in his season opener soccer game for Elmira College.

7:05p.m.: Miles watches the Elmira men’s soccer game as she awaits the next gym cleaning.

At this point in the day, rest is much needed. Miles can go to bed knowing that she successfully made it through another day as a student-athlete on the Endicott campus.

As the clock strikes 11:00p.m., Miles finally hits the sheets and prepares to do the same thing the following day.

“I wouldn't want it any other way”, Miles concluded.

[enigmasalad]

I want to reblog with my experience cause seeing these things horrify me and I am so grateful with the way my mother has handled stuff with medical stuff.

So a bit of Info, I have a rare autoimmune disorder called hyper IGE, aka Jobs syndrome. Growing up Hyper IGE didn’t have a lot of studies and info until my mid to late teens. So basically age 2-16 my mother was told I was going to not live to thirty. However we found out in my mid to late teens that I have the kind that you don’t die early. So for a big chunk of my life my mom was told one of her kids was gonna be gone before thirty, so you’d think she’d be intense when it came to medical stuff.

She wasn’t unless it was defending me or getting me the help she needed.

With hyper IGE comes skin issues, including insanely thick skin that’s seen as “scarred skin” despite it not being scars. When I get blood work I have to have an ultrasound on my veins because 9/10 medical professionals can’t find a vein. I’m usually stuck 4 to 5 times before people give up or find something.

When I was 2 (I don’t remember any of this btw I was 2 for goodness sake), a pediatric nurse at a hospital where I was getting lab work done was angry and she squeezed my face and shouted at me while trying to stick me. My mom lost it and went mama bear and got me out of there while telling the other doctors and medical professionals what happened.

My mom after that had always been supportive whenever I felt discomfort with bloodwork and needles and after four sticks she always let me call it quits and we try again another time, or until the doctors got something to numb it.

She also was always supportive whenever I got vaccines and medicine via injection. She would hold my hand whenever I wanted it or she would try to distract me and sometimes made me laugh cause I was a weirdo who had to watch the doctors put it in me.

One time in third grade I got really bad strep and we went to the doctors as a last ditch effort before I would have to be admitted to a hospital. I wasn’t eating, drinking or sleeping so my mom was willing to try whatever. The only thing they could do (and it worked) was give me an injection. I, being a child and the sickest I’ve ever been (traditional sick that is), was throwing a massive fit as a sick kid could throw. I was refusing the injection . My mom explained that I could take this one injection and get some orange Powerade and start to feel better, or I’d be in the hospital getting a lot of injectable medicine (don’t know how medically accurate that is) and have an IV (which I had trauma from and still do from an allergic reaction to eggs in kindergarten) in my arm. I decided to take the injection and of course I got better.

I still hate injections and blood work, but because of my family’s patience with me and this, I am at least able to get it somewhat done.

Patience and explanation does wonders. Trust me. Kids brains are small and still developing but they aren’t stupid. If they see the logic behind something in their own kid way, most times they stand behind it. Or at the very least voice when they’re uncomfortable and why it makes them uncomfortable.

It’s not worth it to traumatize a child or not respect their bodily autonomy over.

Also on topic of Consent: whenever somebody says "Kids should have bodily autonomy!" some guy always is like "You are too unrealistic. What will you do when a kid is seeing the doctor and doesn't want to get a shot? Would you just let them refuse the shot?"

Yeah I probably would. You're straight up asking the wrong person if you want the nice normal answer here. Doctors and nurses forcibly doing (relatively routine) things to my body against my protests when I was a small kid fucked me up so bad that as an adult anything medical related is a huge trigger for me, I've had persistent intrusive thoughts and recurring nightmares about medical procedures, and I can't have even the most basic tests and health checks done on top of it.

I hate talking about it because I can't get comfortable calling it "trauma" and I don't have any other words that are useful, but it's made my life so much harder and really scary since if I start having a weird symptom, there's nothing I can move myself to do about it.

I figured out a loophole where going to a pharmacy instead of a doctor's office for vaccines reduces some of the stress, but I was still in stress and misery for days before I went to get my tetanus shot. The repulsion is so intense it feels like I literally don't have control over myself, it feels like I can't make appointments or plans about such things out of my own free will, and so every year I have guilt guilt guilt guilt guilt about how I should get the flu shot, and it does nothing but ineffectually hurt me.

Vaccines save lives and all that, but when it comes right down to it, I don't think it's actually a net benefit to public health to give any percentage of kids lifelong psychological scars so deep and painful they're almost completely barred from accessing health care as adults.

I know I'm not the only one, far from it.

[ficsandcatsandficsandcats]

Road Trip : Punk!AU

Fandom: The Witcher Pairing: Punk!Jaskier x Reader, Punk!Geralt x Punk!Yennefer Word Count: 2,589 Rating: T Taglist: @heroics-and-heartbreak​ @whatevermonkey​ @mynamesoundslikesherlock​ @magic-multicolored-miracle​ a/n: Here we gooooo! Part one is complete and we are on the road! Part two will be coming by @heroics-and-heartbreak at their leisure. Enjoy!

Part I – Coming Out of My Cage

Aevryn hung up the phone, closed out of Twitter, Instagram, Snapchat, and Facebook, took a deep breath and then walked into the little diner.

“It’s done,” she announced. The little ragtag group she addressed sat slumped in the booth. Yennefer and Geralt exchanged shrugs of resignation, Win gave Aevryn an encouraging smile, and you rubbed comforting circles into Jaskier’s back. He was clearly the most upset of all of you which was hard because he also set the tone for the rest of the group 75% of the time.

“Did Andrzej say when the bus would be fixed?” Geralt asked.

“They’re going to have to do some extensive work,” she said, voice falling into her most professional, clear tone as she repeated the words she’d recited to all of the venues you’d have to miss, “They said it could be as long as two weeks but they’re hoping to get it done in one.”

Jaskier slumped further, the pendant clunking against the linoleum tabletop.

“So we’re stuck here til then?” Yennefer asked.

“Not necessarily,” Aevryn said, taking her seat next to Win who placed a hand on her thigh and patted it comfortingly, “We just won’t be able to get to those places in time to perform. But they’ve agreed to refund the tickets or offer replacements for when we do them on the way back down the countryside.”

Win looked at you and could see the wheels turning in your eyes, sensing that you had a plan even before you lifted your gaze to hers and gave her that eureka smile you got when you had a scathingly brilliant idea.

“So we don’t stay here,” you said. Jaskier raised his head to look at you, skeptical but intrigued. “We do a road trip.”

“A road trip?” Geralt echoed.

“Yeah! We get a beat up van or something and we hit the road and when the tour bus is fixed it can meet up with us wherever we’re at!” you exclaimed, looking around the table for support.

“I’m in, that sounds fun as hell!” Win piped up, sharing a smile with their best friend who beamed at them and then looked over at Aevryn who was running the numbers.

“We could do that,” she said, “If we made sure we stayed in contact with Andrzej.”

“What do you think babe?” you asked Jaskier who had started to sit up a bit more, his sky blue eyes slowly clearing.

“It has been a long time since we were able to spend time together without working,” he said, turning to look at his bandmates. Yennefer nodded but you could see that Geralt’s furrowed brows were not convinced.

“Hmm,” Geralt began, a bad sign, “I don’t know, Jaskier. It may be safer for us to stick close by.”

“That isn’t very punk rock of you, Geralt,” Yennefer said coolly, sipping her coffee nonchalantly as though she couldn’t feel Geralt’s glowering stare shooting daggers in her direction.

“Road trip it is then,” Geralt snapped, “I’ll get the van.”

-----

“It’s perfect!” Jaskier cried, arms out wide as though he was preparing to hug the vehicle Geralt had driven back to them a suspiciously short while later. It was a vintage Volkswagen bus in a tawny brown and white. The front seats had wooden beads strapped to them and Geralt leaned with his arm around the wheel, shooting Yennefer a challenging look.

“What do you think, Yen? Isn’t she beautiful?” Jaskier asked excitedly, totally oblivious to the tension between Geralt. Well, oblivious or just desensitized after years of it going on at low levels around him.

“It’s a beast,” she said in a tone that wasn’t quite critical but also wasn’t clearly praising. It was also uncertain whether she spoke about the bus or the man she stared at as she answered who gave her a rueful smirk in response.

“This is what we should be doing these tours in,” Jaskier insisted, pulling you with him to jump inside and claim a seat. The car smelled like stale smoke and the seats crunched beneath you with a plastic covering that you knew was going to stick to your thighs after sitting on it for too long. It was perfect.

“We’ll see how you feel after sleeping in it for a week,” Yennefer said, taking the front passenger seat promptly.

“Hey nobody got a chance to call shotgun,” Win protested, though only jokingly as she and Aevryn had plans for the backseat anyway. Yennefer looked at her through the tops of her sunglasses.

“Guess you’ll have to draw quicker next time,” she said in a voice that sounded cold but a smile that was warm as she leaned back against the seat, the dark hair tangling in the wooden beads. The bus roared to life and they set off down the road, getting about as far as the exit for the highway before Jaskier announced that it was actually illegal to have a road trip without snacks and Geralt stopped by a gas station so they could get some supplies. The little bell above the door dinged a welcome and the man behind the counter gave you the barest glance and nod as you walked in. You split up to cover different corners of the convenience store, a couple of baskets between you to pile in things as you went.

“Ok I think we have all the food groups,” you said before long, looking down in the basket that held a large bag of sour gummy worms, a tub of red vines, two bags of chips (doritos and harvest cheddar sun chips), a couple of king size Hershey bars, three cans of pringles, and a multipack of pop tarts.

“This has actual food in it,” Yennefer said, casually chucking in a bag of trail mix that she knew you all would just pick the m&ms out to eat.

“Drinks?” Geralt asked, heading to the cooler with the rest of you hurrying in his wake.

“Waters,” Yennefer said, giving you all a look that said it was happening whether you liked it or not and she grabbed a few big bottles of Smartwater. Geralt rolled his eyes and threw some Arrowhead in the basket.

“Obviously Redbull,” Aevryn said, pulling open the door only to have Jaskier stall her hand with his.

“I think you mean Monster,” he corrected. She cocked an eyebrow at him and pulled a face.

“Don’t do this, Jaskier. Not here. Not in public,” she said warningly.

“I’m a Nos girl myself,” you piped up. Both Aevryn and Jaskier turned to give you twin disgusted faces but your plan had worked, giving them a common enemy to keep the fighting to a minimum.

“Just pick one,” Geralt said, suppressing a heavy sigh.

“Yes, one,” Yennefer emphasized, “We’re not buying six different kinds of energy drink.”

“You got two different kinds of water!” Aevryn challenged. Yennefer shot Geralt a look but he just smiled at her irritation which only made her more frustrated.

“Obviously it’s gotta be Rockstar. I mean, come on,” Win said, shaking her head like you were all insane. Yennefer and Geralt gave her a baleful look while Jaskier laughed.

“That’s pretty good. The joke, not he drink, which tastes like piss. Sorry Win,” Jaskier said. She stuck her tongue out at him and you smacked his chest, chastising him for being rude. He pouted at you and gave you puppy dog eyes and you planted a kiss on his cheek.

“Alright,” Geralt said, pushing past the lot of you. He reached into the cooler and pulled out roughly three of every energy drink, only taking care to pull out exactly five Mango Ginger Zevias which pulled a small smile to Yennefer’s lips though she made sure to keep it hidden until he’d passed her and headed up to the counter. He took a brief turn and then wove back into view with a 12 pack of cheap beer.

“Now it’s a road trip,” Jaskier said, pulling you in to give you a kiss on the cheek.

“Hey,” Win said, pilling Aevryn’s hand into theirs, distracting her momentarily from the phone she was squinting at with a furrowed brow.

“Yeah! Sorry! Just saw something,” she said, forcing up a smile though Win could tell something was wrong.

“Win, please tell Jask that I’m right and Powerade is better than Gatorade!” you called from the front of store to which Geralt barked something about not sitting through this again. Win shook her head and ran up to the front, preparing their argument for the great Powerade vs. Gatorade debate of 2020.

“Hey,” Yennefer said, walking over to Aevryn as soon as Win left, “What did he do?”

“What makes you think – ok, yeah, it is,” Aevryn said, sighing heavily and handing Yennefer her phone. Yennefer saw it was a DM for Aevryn’s personal twitter:

@valdomarxofficial: heard the concerts were canceled. everything ok?

Yennefer considered the phone for a moment. Aevryn bit her lip and watched Yennefer’s face, looking for something. Disappointment or anger or something tangible to respond to. Her friend just gave the phone the same impassive look she gave most things and then she deleted the DM before handing the phone back to Aevryn.

“I’d block him but you could just undo it,” she said pointedly. She looked towards the front where Win was posing for a selfie with you and then looked back to Aevryn. “Does she know?”

“Yes,” Aevryn said, ‘I mean, there isn’t much too know, honestly! But she knows I have an ex and that it’s…. complicated.”

“It’s really not that complicated, Aev,” Yennefer said. Before she could continue Geralt whistled from the front, pulling Yennefer’s attention towards him to shoot him a scathing glare that made him grin.

“Let’s do, this fucking chocolate’s already melting.”

Aevryn hurried past Yennefer to catch up to Win who took her hand and Yennefer followed suit, tucking the rest of the conversation away for later.

-----

The world passed by in a blur of steel that bled into trees. Jaskier propped his converse-clad feet on the window despite Geralt’s protests and rested his head in your lap to rest while you craned to face Win, joining her and Aevryn in singing along to music from their phone. Yennefer sipped her Zevia and rested her face against the open window, the wind and sun caressing her face and sending her dark locks flowing behind her. You noticed Geralt glancing at her, his eyes following the sun’s progress across her features as though he were imagining that he was offering her with that tender caress, that soft warmth. He saw your looking at him and though you quickly looked away he kept his eyes firmly on the road after, not noticing when Yennefer peeked an eye open to offer her own subtle scrutiny.

It was a fairly peaceful ride all things considered, until Mr. Brightside came on and everyone was forced to scream-sing along (another law according to Jaskier). They had just about reached the chorus when the song cut out, the whole bus pausing with their breath held.

“What happened?”

“It’s lost connection,” Jaskier explained. They finished the song acapella but it wasn’t the same and evrery one was a bit glum until Geralt pulled through McDonald’s. He’d spent enough time with his bandmates, and with people in general, to know that there was very little nuggets couldn’t improve. He rebelliously got a cheeseburger and ordered Yennefer a filet-o-fish but the rest got to share a massive pile of nuggets.

“You ok?” Win asked Aevryn, noticing how she kept picking up her phone and putting it back down again.

“Yeah it’s just… I’m used to always checking things, you know? For work,” she explained, ignoring the look Yennefer sent her in the rearview mirror.

“It’s a vacation for you too, Aev. You gotta loosen up a little,” Jaskier protested. She rolled her eyes and turned to face him.

“Hard to do that when you’re out there accepting every bloody birthday invitation and prom proposal,” she argued. His eyes widened and his mouth formed a little ‘O’ of surprise and indignation.

“What is the point of being a famous musician if we don’t do all the things we wish our favorite bands had done for us?” he asked. Geralt sighed heavily and Yennefer instinctively reached out and patted his thigh, knowing this was a fight they’d heard a thousand times before. Geralt stiffened slightly, looking down at the hand that rested on his thigh, but she didn’t pull away when he did. She offered him a small smile and she could see he wanted to return it but turned back to the road. Only when he shifted in his seat did she remove her hand, putting it back in her lap and looking out into the sunset as it bathed the land around them in gorgeous oranges and fuchsias that were muted by her warring emotions.

As evening crept into night and the signal didn’t come back Jaskier found a map tucked into the front seat pocket. It was old and yellowed but the land was the same and he handed it to Yennefer.

“I don’t need a map,” Geralt grumbled.

“Geralt don’t be stupid, you’re not even from America,” Yennefer replied.

“Roach and I know where we’re going,” he mumbled.

“Sorry – did you name the van?” Jaskier asked, his eyes lighting up with amusement that only doubled when he saw Geralt glare bashfully, not realizing he’d been overheard.

“Maybe,” he grunted.

“Oh that’s adorable! But why Roach?” Jaskier asked, crinkling his nose up.

“Because I found a dead roach in it and the dealer knocked off another hundred for it,” Geralt answered simply. Jaskier paled and then it was Geralt’s turn to be amused as he stifled a yawn.

“At the next exit you need to pull over so we can switch drivers,” Yennefer said.

“Nobody else is driving Roach,” Geralt answered, not caring who overheard his name for the van now that the secret was out. Part of Geralt’s allure was that once he said or did something he committed to it so hard it became not only acceptable, but cool. Yennefer remained unimpressed.

“How are you going to drive all night?” she argued. He slid one hand to the cup holder and lifted the half-empty can of a dangerous looking energy drink called Power Horse, gesturing it at her before taking a pull off of it. Yennefer rolled her eyes and folded the map back up.

“Fine,” she said, “But if you get us wrapped around a tree or worse, stuck in some field in the middle of nowhere, I get to decide the punishment.”

“Well you know how I like to be punished,” he said, fixing her with a smile that would have been charming on someone else but was devastating on him. Her face remained impassive but when she rolled her head back to face the window you could see the reflection of her smile in it as she settled in to rest. Aevryn leaned against the side of the van and Win lay against her, pulling the blanket they’d found tucked under the set against them. You and Jaskier cuddled together, this time your head resting in his lap so he could stroke your hair and hum a song for you until you fell fast asleep to the sound of his voice and the steady rumble of the van winding its ways through the countryside.

[popculturebuffet]

Jake Reviews Stuff: Close Enough: Logans Run’d and Room Parents

IT’S FINALLY HERE, PERFORMING FOR YOU. Seriously I have waited 3 years for this. And while yes thanks to a combination of a french animation festival and HBO’s own oopsie doodle I was able to watch 3 episodes already, and review them, it dosen’t make this any less sweet.  The fandom can finally come togehter as a whole and enjoy the hell out of the series. And doubling my excitment is the fact that HBO Max dropped 15 episodes! 14 episodes bundled into half hours and one extra long episode that seems to feature one of the greatest musicans and comedians of all-time, a man who needs no introduction but hell if i’m not giving him one. WEIRD, AL, YANKOVIC!

I could not be more excited if I tried. And yes that’s with full awarness my pre-amphibia and owl house workload just became at LEAST 4 times what I expected and this may be all there is. Having to review 12 episodes still means getting to WATCH 12 episodes of a show I truly adore. It’s an easy trade off. So with that out of the way, we can dig into close enough’s second two episodes and see if the show can keep the momentum from the first pair! Door’s open, let’s do this! The full review and spoilers under the cut. 

Logans Run’d   With Candace having her first sleepover Josh and Emily (Who apparently aren’t on good enough terms with their parents to have them watch her something I hope they explore later in the series), have their first Candace free evening and spend it as you’d expect for a 35 year old couple: Pelvic thrusting to turn down to what while doing general errrands then planning to have a nice night in of tea and the great british baking show, which continues this show’s hard to get used to trend of using actual brand names.  The two invite Bridgette to join them which she scoffs at saying the pair, and Alex who is not only delighted to join them but is in an old timey sleeping costume with listening horn which, no joke, is his profile picture on the show’s website, which feels perfect honestly and I love everything about that. 

The three soon realize to their horror through flashback that they indeed are old (Hilariously alex’s is literally just his introduction in this episode), and beg Bridgette to take them along to a club, Logan’s Run’d. What follows is the three of them getting hard core drunk all the way to 9PM while  Bridgette flirts with a younger guy and youtube sensation and who looks like the earth 3 version of hank venture.. until it turns out he’s actually a toddler wearing some sort of robot suit because of course.  Things go south however both as our heroes realize their running out of steam.. and as another 30 something is made VIP>.. which in this club is being murdered to death by a giant fan. With blood which I”m sure JG was giddy to do first chance it was approriate given he did 8 years of a show on a children’s network and children’s networks hate blood as much as they hate actually letting shows mention the concept of death directly by name.  Naturally the four of them want to book it out of there: While Bridgette , if she wasn’t lying about her age to the toddler, isn’t in the danger zone, she still just hit on a toddler and is naturally afraid of going to prison, but get stopped by the bar guy. Alex, in a supremeley sad yet badass moment, pulls out his blockbuster card and prepares to sacrifice himself for his friend’s sake: Partly because he cares about them and candace and partly because he’s worried he has nothing left to live for now he’s old, something I myself worry about going into my 30′s next year. Josh (Emily takes a second to join in) rushes to save his best bud and the two reassure Alex he has a future, a future of not having to get new music, of having nights of just relaxing and watching tv and getting pepper in your beard for , as Alex puts it “That george clooney look” Bridgette was the last one and guards her friends from being murdered for obvious reasons before breaking the fan.  Our heroes are saved, alex and me honestly as all of that sounds really appealing to be honest and I live 2/3 of it already, are convinced that growing old is pretty sweet. Oh and the owner turns out to be an old guy, as Alex realizes when he refrences logans run and is murdered by the crowd. Our heroes enjoy pancakes, Bridgette still finds the guy cute which.. no no bridgette just no, and Alex muses about them having seen a man die.  Final Thoughts: A decent episode.. while not as good as 100% no stress day ahead of it or the previous episode, i’ts a simple episode with good gags, an utterly great character moment for Alex which shows that despite his weirdo exterior he’s a damn good guy and he has something to live for. Also the toddler subplot was stupid and kinda creepy. A decent gag filled episode withs ome great ones and some really good animation. Also the opening is utterly iconic, easily one of the shows best jokes so far and probably in total and still works despite the use of turn down for what being slightly dated, but it works because it’s just really damn funny. Not the series best thus far but it’s still okay if a standard episode is this enjoyable. 

Room Parents: Now this is the good shit. It’s parent meeting time at Candace’s school with Me Daughter Teacher having one last announcment while Josh is about to pass out from having to hold in 3 powerades... dude should’ve gone for gatorade.. it still goes through you it just tastes objectivley better. Anyways me Daughter Teacher locks the room for the announcment because he needs a room parent and things quickly turn to purge as everyone is either fleeing or trying to murder each other to avoid it. While i’m not a parent, I can at leat understand not wanting to give time to do this when your schedule is likely already a hellscape. Josh (Who wonders if they got a purge going, got a good laugh out of me. ), being basically what if Mr. Peanutbutter had an illigitmate son he dind’t know about, and i’m still not convinced he’s not his dad until the show proves otherwise, happily volunteers to Emily’s horror.  Josh however.. is entirely game. He even makes a dad joke calling it a “Fun Raiser” to emily’s annoyance. It’s a nice show of just HOW opposite the two are: Emily being more stressed, as 100% stress day proved/will prove given it’s after this episode even though i’ve already seen it but it’s set later but...

The point is she’s a ball of stress while he’s a ball of enthusasim just like his dad, who i’m now just.. 100% convinced is his dad and dosen’t know it. Prove me wrong. Anyways Josh meets Nikki another parent whose own son is ominously framed in shadow because of course something weird about her who offers to pitch in.. and is also transparently intrested in josh.  The next day Josh and nikki talk on the phone and Bridgette and Alex instantly pick up that she’s into him and that josh is the kind of guy every girl wants, with Bridgette sighting the look when he inhales mustard and Alex, being the objectivley best, citing his thin papery jack of clubs body type. I’m now 100% convinced they all had a foursome at some point before the divorce which Emily tries not to think about and Emily isn’t convinced.. until Josh, in another great gag, says Nikki said “wash your balls, so random”.  Emily, now panicked, enlists Pearle who gladly volunteers her spy van, because Pearle is also objectivity the best, to go spy on alex in a montage set to heart’s crazy on you were we get our image for this episode which is a great gag.. especailly Emily mouthing “Wait afterwords’ and it being followed by them going to the sex hotel.. which is actually the essex hotel.. which is for affairs as it’s sign says. It’s hard not to just list gags for this show because it’s damn good but i’ll try.  Emily then confronts Josh that night (doing the dramatic light turning on thing by holding the lamp another great gag), and Josh explains no he’s not cheating on her because he’s a pure boy, and he aquises to her, also finally realizing Nikki’s been transparently trying to seduce him.  Naturally their attempt to uncoroomparenther before the Fundraiser goes pear shaped as it turns out Nikki is a con artist who pulls what professionals call a josh , scam a stressed parent, tie him up or kill him and then steal the fundraiser money for a school, for a living (She has another one cooking at the moment) and leaves them. Emily orders a knife via a delivery service, while a waiting Pearle wonders where they are.. which raises a lot of questions. WHy pearle is there is easy, she’s supporting Candace and her friends/tennants. That part is easy. Why she brought Randy, who at least at this point is objectively useless and why Alex and BRidgette AREN’T there I can’t explain. Maybe mecha pope garfield rose from the grave. Maybe Bridgette’s fucking that clown again. Maybe Alex has more garifled theroies to bust out. Actually those last two answer my question for me.. I mean someome’s gotta reveal Garfield was a founding member of the Justice Society of America. 

Our heroes arrive however to Foil Nikki , who thent ries to escape on a children’s train.. which being a children’s train Josh and Emily just hop on and in a hilarious bit slowly remove the kids before ending up with Candace, who says “daddy’s girlfriend is getting away”. Jessica DiCiccio is a delight as Candace and her delivery is impecable here. However Nikki switches tracks and cranks up the speed. Thankfully while Emily and Candace fall off the train pearle and Randy, who I STILL don’t know why he’s in this episode he has no lines and does nothing, catch them, leaving it to Josh to fix his mess. After a breif fight and a nut shot Josh sucesfully swaps the money for Nikki’s fake son/dummy who she chokes bart style before both explodes when they hit a thermometor factory.  Our heroes win, the fundraiser is a sucess and the teachers have elected Josh room parent for life (”That can’t be legally binding” “IT’S LEGALLY BINDING!”)  Final Thoughts: A great , really damn funny episode with a great premise. While Emily being worried Josh would cheat seems weird given he’s a nice enough guy, it’s sometimes understandable to be panicky about that sort of thing and her worry is warnated given one party is trying to seduce her husband, josh is just too stupid to realize, which makes for a lot of great gags. It’s a really tighly done episode that like the above is more pure comedy and just hilarious, but has even better jokes and a much better executed premise to work with. And no weird toddler things. So overally a slam dunk.  I have more close enough reviews coming today, obviously though i’d rather watch the rest before reviewing them, but while I do you can shoot me an ask to talk more close enough, and in more serious matters... One of my best friend’s cat’s cancer has come back and being out of work and just having moved into a new appartment, he needs help paying for it. You can find the go fund me here.  And as always until we meet again, later days. 

[tyrustrash]

Exhale

Ander grabs his lunch tray from the end of the cafeteria line and stands to the side. He looks around the room. He could sit at his usual table, where Guzman and Polo are sitting at, but still stands and looks. Seeing the entire cafeteria for the first time made his hands shake. People are walking to tables as if it’s programmed in their minds that that table is where they are supposed to be at. He notices all the different cliques: nerds, druggies, soccer players, and all the other groups compromised of kids who were friends since forever. That’s the group he had made with Guzman and Polo. And it’s the group that he’s currently contemplating going to. Guzman notices Ander standing and waves to him, wanting him to come sit with them. Ander gulps. Fear hitting him harder by the second. He knows he shouldn’t be afraid of his friends, but his day so far has been a wreck. He woke up late and missed his first class, he practically failed his pop quiz, and Omar cancelled their date for that night. Although all that was bad, none of that is why he’s afraid right now. The worst thing today, and possibly ever, happened just before lunch. Ander was at his locker getting stuff for his later classes. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Guzman walking with Lu. Lu was on her phone, like always, and she was showing Guzman a video of what Ander could only identify as two guys playing Gay Chicken. Basically it’s a game where two straight guys go for a kiss and whichever one pulls away first is the gay chicken. Ander thought it was a weird game since he wondered why would straight guys even do that. Possibly because if they refused it was proving they were gay? Or they were ‘straighter’ if they participated and didn’t pull back? The more Ander thought about it, the more confused he got. Straight boys are confusing. Anyway, as Guzman was watching the video, Lu asked him if he would ever participate. That comment made Ander listen closely. Guzman chuckled weirdly and shook his head. “Nah. Not my thing.” “What isn’t?” Lu asked as she clicked a different video. This time a different take on the game where the guys touch each other instead of kissing. “You trying to hide something?” Guzman pushes her phone away from him. “I’m not into dudes.” “You don’t have to be. It’s just a game.” Lu said as she grinned. She stepped in front of him, stopping them from moving any further. She rubs her hand across his shoulder. “Come on. I think it’ll be so hot to see you try that. The thought of it is already turning me on.” “Listen,” Guzman states with the coldest and most stern voice Ander has ever heard him use. Ander managed to see his face too, and it’s so serious that it makes Ander worry about what he’s about to say. “I will never do that. Ever. You understand me? I’m not gay, bi, or whatever the fuck else. And games are supposed to be fun, and that’s not fun for me. I don’t want to think about that. It’s weird.” Guzman moved past Lu and walked towards his class. Ander closed his locker and sprinted to the bathroom. He locked himself in one of the stalls and cried until it was time for his next class. Now Ander is still standing in the cafeteria with his tray of chicken parmesan, not knowing where he should sit. At this point he doesn’t see any empty seats. Guzman waves again, smiling. That damn smile is so charming and makes him look adorable, but it could also be the smile of a person who hates Ander’s kind. Another gulp happens before Ander starts slowly moving. He keeps looking around in hope of finding somewhere else to sit. Wasting more time by avoiding the table, Guzman got a little impatient and got up to help walk Ander over. He grabs Ander’s shoulder and push him to the chair across from his own. Ander could only stare blankly at Guzman as he sits back down. “What’s up with you?” Guzman asks him. “What were you doing standing there?” Ander couldn’t say the real reason, well, without the extra fear of losing one of his only friends. He picks at his chicken, mumbling. Polo raises an eyebrow and nudges his arm. Ander looks at him, then at Guzman. “Just life, you know. The usual. Thinking about grades and love issues.” Guzman lets out a faint laugh. “Don’t worry about shit like that. Grades are that important unless you’re a teacher’s favorite since the stupid curve that determines your grade before you take tests. And don’t stress about love, you’ll find the right girl eventually. Just keep trying. Maybe use one of those apps to relieve some stress, if you know what I mean.” Ander drops his fork on the tray. He looks down, trying to hold in the tears. Why does straight have to be the default? Why do people automatically assume that you’re attracted to the opposite sex? No one ever assumes that he’s gay, only straight as if heterosexuality is the only possible choice. Ander balls up his hand into a fist and hits his leg. All he wants is to tell the truth but is scared. He just holds in his breath and doesn’t say anything. He looks up at Guzman as he eats. Guzman takes a bite of his turkey sandwich and then takes a sip of his Powerade. All the while the movement is causing his silver chain with the cross on it to shake and bounce on his chest. Ander has noticed that cross from time to time and has never thought anything of it. He knows Guzman is Christian, but he has never really talked about it or mentioned anything he was against because of his religion. Now Ander might be thinking there was one thing he was against. Wiping off some mayonnaise from his lips, Guzman looks Ander in his eyes. “Bro, what’s wrong?” Polo nods slightly. Finally being able to say something. “You’re worrying us.” Ander looks between the two, his teeth clattering because of how nervous he is. He attempts to open his mouth to say something, but fails to find the words. Instead, he shoves the rest of his food into his mouths and leaves the table. He manages to swallow everything just as he turns the corner and exit the cafeteria. He barely walks far before he feels a grip around his wrist. He stops and turns around, seeing Guzman behind him. Guzman lets go, but looks even more concerned than before. Ander wanted to leave, but his feet prevented him. The only thing moving were tears from Ander’s eyes. “What’s going on?” Guzman asks him. His voice is stern, yet concerned and caring at the same time. His eyes show that this is the most important moment in the world. “And don’t say nothing. I know you, and something is bothering you.” Ander cries harder when he takes another look at the cross necklace. He looks to his left and sees a row of lockers and decides to punch it relentlessly. Guzman immediately stops him by grabbing his hand. “The hell, man!” “I hate myself!” Hearing that, Guzman grew even more worried. He had never seen Ander act like this, not even when he was almost failing every class and might have had to repeat a year. Guzman is near panicking because he doesn’t know what’s going on. “Just talk to me.” “You’ll hate me.” Ander tells him in between sobs. Tears keep coming and snot was running. Normally he would be scared to show this type of emotion in front of his friends, but he didn’t care. He thought that his friendship isn’t going to last any longer. Why would it even stay. Guzman has certain believes and they probably disagree with him. Guzman breathes deep and rests his hand on Ander’s shoulder. He looks him in the eyes and says, “Never. You’ll always be my friend. No matter what, I can handle it.” Ander manages to calm down a little, but still is freaking out internally. Sure, he’s supportive now, but in a few minutes everything will change. He’ll never want to be friends again once he knows the truth. His face will soon feel the pain is hand is feeling once Guzman finds out. “I’m, I-“ Ander stutters. He doesn’t want to finish, but there’s no going back now. “I’m gay.” Silence. Neither one is able to talk. The longer the silence continues, the more Ander grows worried. The more Ander’s fears are piling up. He wants to continue hitting the lockers, but Guzman is still holding his hands. Guzman gives a small nod and sighs. “You’re gay?” Ander nods. “Why haven’t you told me yet?” Guzman’s voice sounds like he’s hurt. “I thought I was your best friend.” Ander is in complete shock. He wasn’t expecting this type of response. He was expecting a more violent and slur filled hate speech from him. “What? You’re not mad?” “I’m mad that you didn’t tell me sooner. I’m mad that you would think I would me mad.” “You’re a Christian.” “So.” Guzman says while sighing. He rubs his hand through his blond hair. He shakes his head in disbelieve at what Ander said. “I’m a Christian, not an asshole.” “What?” “Yeah, I have beliefs. And they are to accept people for who they are and not discriminate, to be a good person, and to not judge others. You really think I’m one of those homophobic jerks?” Ander cries harder. He doesn’t want to be around Guzman because of him making himself look so stupid. “I’m so sorry. I thought because of your religion, you wouldn’t like me and wouldn’t want to be friends anymore.” “That is the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard. I don’t care that you like guys.” “What about earlier. When Lu showed you those videos.” “I didn’t say what I said because of homophobia. I didn’t mean for it to come out like that. Just before that I was told that I couldn’t get out of a dinner party my parents set up and I was pissed. I let my emotions get the best of me.” “God, I’m so stupid.” Ander continues to cry. Guzman pulls him in for a hug, letting Ander place his head on his shoulder. Guzman pats his back, comforting him. “No, you’re not. You’re my friend, forever and always. I love you, Ander. You’re my best friend.” For the first time today, Ander calms down, no longer crying. The feeling of being this close to Guzman and having his arms wrapped around him feels so soft and comfortable. He also feels like the biggest idiot for ever thinking Guzman would ever hate him. “Hey, Ander.” Guzman says. Ander muffles a response wince his head is still in Guzman’s shoulder. “How about you come over to my house over school and stay the night. We can have an old-fashioned bro night. You can tell me more about who you are, and about any boys you like.” Ander smiles for the first time today. He feels so free from any restraint. He actually has an ally in his life that is completely supportive. At last, he can exhale and let go of all his stress and worries.

[chasholidays]

bellarke but clarke and murphy have a weird understanding slash ride or die friendship that they don’t admit to

according to my notes, this also coincidentally fulfills @pepperf’s prompt for Bellamy in makeup, so although tumblr will not let me tag you I hope you see this anyway

Before Clarke and Murphy became friends, Clarke didn’t really think Murphy had friends. He was the kid who sat in the back of every class and made sarcastic comments and never seemed to really interact with anyone else. If someone had told Clarke that he just ceased to exist when he exited her line of sight, she would have believed them. He certainly never seemed to do anything with a lasting impact.

And then, he shows up at the first GSA meeting of tenth grade.

As someone who joined thinking she was on the “straight” side of the alliance, Clarke does get that not everyone who joins the GSA is gay, but she has trouble imagining Murphy just showing up to be a supportive ally. Even if he is somewhere on the LGBT+ spectrum, Clarke is still kind of shocked he’s showing up. She didn’t think Murphy participated in groups of any kind.

Not that he really participates in GSA either. He introduces himself only as “Murphy” every time they go around the circle for names/orientations, and then he sits in the back and cracks quiet jokes when the opportunity arises. It’s like having another class with him, except that no one is forcing him to be there. This is what he chooses to do with his time.

“It’s weird, right?” she asks Finn. He doesn’t belong to the GSA, but she gives him the updates.

Finn shrugs. “I guess. Why do you care what Murphy does?”

“I just don’t get it.”

“You don’t have to understand everything, princess,” he teases, and Clarke just rolls her eyes. Obviously she doesn’t have to understand, but she still wants to.

Sign-ups for the group trip to Pride happen in May, and Murphy is behind her in line, so he’s there when Taylor asks, “You’re coming, Clarke?”

“Why wouldn’t I be?”

“Pride is for LGBT members, not allies.”

“I’m bi, remember?” It’s still new, saying it out loud, a word that tastes clunky in her mouth, but it feels right. After she and Finn break up, she’d like to date a girl. That’s an experience she wants to have.

“Oh, well, still,” says Taylor, like that’s somehow all he needs to say.

Clarke’s eyebrows shoot up. “Still what?”

“Well, you’re with Finn. I feel like it doesn’t look good for straight-passing people to be in the group.”

Clarke’s jaw drops, and she’s glad it’s anger that floods her veins and not humiliation. Taylor’s never been her favorite person, but even from him, this is a lot.

Defenses crowd her mind, but so do the inevitable counterarguments. She’s had this debate with herself so many times, if she can really be bi if she’s never kissed a girl, how she can know, how she can consider herself a part of the community when she’s dating a guy. She got through all of those things for herself, but if Taylor doesn’t think she’s bi enough for Pride, she doesn’t have any better argument than “I think I am.”

Unexpectedly, Murphy pipes up. “Hey, dipshit, she’s bi, that means she can go to Pride. What’s the holdup?”

“And whybare you going, Murphy?” Taylor shoots back. “I still don’t know why you’re here in the first place.”

“You don’t get to vet people’s sexual orientations,” Clarke says. “We all heard Pride isn’t for allies, so anyone signing up is queer. Like me.”

“I’m asexual,” Murphy says. “Is that good enough for you? I’m genuinely curious,” he adds. “If you think bi girls with boyfriends don’t belong, I’m guessing you’re not real big on letters that don’t even make the main acronym.”

Taylor’s jaw works. “Obviously, if you think you should come, I can’t stop you, I just think you should consider that it’s not entirely appropriate for–”

“You know what? Fine. I’m not coming with you.” Clarke grabs a sharpie from the bucket on the desk, crossing her name out so hard it’s probably going to bleed through to the table. “But I’ll see you there. Because I belong there.”

She’s out of the classroom before she realizes Murphy followed her.

“If I stayed there I was just going to have to talk to Taylor,” he says, with a small shrug. “Didn’t seem worth it.”

Clarke smiles with half her mouth. “Yeah, I guess not. You want a ride to Pride?”

“If you’re driving, yeah.”

And just like that, they’re friends.

*

Junior year, motivated primarily by spite and a mutual dislike of Taylor, Clarke and Murphy start a Queer Student Union, open to everyone who identifies as queer. To Clarke’s surprise, Murphy not only cares about LGBT issues, he’s actually shockingly informed about them. He identifies as biromantic asexual, although he admits the biromantic part feels a lot more theoretical than the asexual part, mostly because he has yet to meet anyone he likes enough he wants to be romantic with them. But he’s theoretically open to it. He’s done a lot of reading on not only sexuality stuff, but feminism and general activism, mostly because he seems interested in it. Academically, he’s not the greatest, but he’s intellectually curious, likes learning when he’s engaged.

When Finn cheats on her a few months later, he eggs Finn’s car, which is one of those things that Clarke would never approve of and would have told him not to do if he asked, but since he didn’t and she had no idea until several days after it happened, she doesn’t have to even pretend to not be happy.

It feels like the kind of relationship that might not survive college, but they both end up in Boston. Clarke’s at Harvard because she’s that over-achieving legacy kid, and Murphy goes to UMass because Clarke pointed out he could actually get a BA in Women’s, Gender, and Sexuality Studies while still avoiding the classes he hates, which is his ideal learning environment.

It turns out he’s a good litmus test for her pretentious Harvard friends, less because he’s a good judge of character and more because it’s useful to see how other people react to him. Clarke doesn’t really care if they like Murphy–Murphy doesn’t care about being liked much–but how and why they dislike him and how they deal with it tends to give her some good insight into whether or not they’re worth befriending. She and Lexa break up in part because Murphy and Lexa never figure out how to coexist, while Murphy and Niylah’s weird friendship is part of why Clarke starts hooking up with her.

“He’s like all the parts of you that you want to pretend you don’t have,” Niylah observes one night, and Clarke frowns.

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“You’re supposed to be–The perfect princess. Rich, straight A’s, top of your class at Harvard. And then there’s Murphy, your excuse for not liking people. The scapegoat for all your worst instincts.”

“You have a very weird idea of what makes good pillow talk,” Clarke teases.

“I just think it’s interesting. Have you ever heard the term morality pet?”

“No, psych major.”

Niylah doesn’t bother responding to that. “It’s a concept in fiction. You’ve got a bad character you need to humanize, so they have a morality pet, the sympathetic character that they actually treat well, the one who’s there to make you think the villain isn’t all bad. Murphy’s your immorality pet. He’s the asshole you like because part of you is an asshole too.”

“I can’t believe this is what you think about right after sex.”

Niylah grins, rolls over for a kiss. “I just think it’s an interesting dynamic. The two of you simultaneously make each other better and worse people.”

“That sounds about right,” Clarke agrees, and tugs her closer, ending the talking for a while.

She and Niylah never get quite to being in a relationship, so when they graduate, they don’t break up so much as move apart. Niylah goes back to California, and Clarke stays in Boston in a cheap two-bedroom apartment with Murphy.

Sometimes, she thinks about what her ninth-grade self would think about her life: openly and comfortably bisexual, working in a museum instead of going to med school, living with John Murphy. Even her post-college self has trouble believing it’s real. But it’s good.

After six months of largely successful cohabitation when Murphy comes home late on a Saturday night with a giant bottle of flavored vodka and says, “We need to get drunk.”

Clarke never needs to be asked to drink shitty liquor twice. “Okay.”

Murphy roots around the fridge, frowning when all he finds is Coke and green powerade. “I thought we had lemonade.”

“Nope.”

“Well, this is going to taste shitty with the mixers we’ve got,” he says, frowning at the vodka, which is apparently raspberry flavored.

Clarke grabs the Coke. “If we drink the first one fast enough we won’t taste the second one.”

“Cheers to that,” says Murphy, and pours one generous slosh of booze into his world’s okayest sister mug and another into Clarke’s novelty Pikachu glass.

They’re adults.

After a glass and a half of raspberry-Coke vodka, Clarke asks, “Why are we getting drunk?”

“You need a reason?”

“I don’t, but it was your idea. What happened?”

Murphy makes a face, then drains his drink. “I think I’ve got a crush on a girl.”

It shouldn’t be unthinkable; romantic interest has always been a theoretical possibility for Murphy. He’s always said he could like someone, but Clarke sort of assumed he wouldn’t. It was just hard to imagine what Murphy with a crush would look like, and even harder to imagine Murphy’s type. What does he even like, in a person?

She wants to ask about a thousand questions, but she knows better. Murphy would just shut down. So instead she grabs the vodka, pours him more, and tops it off with what’s left of the Coke. “What girl?”

“She works at the pawn shop.”

John Murphy is probably the only person she knows who, in 2018, not only goes to a pawn shop, but goes to a pawn shop regularly enough to have developed feelings for someone who works there. It’s just so painfully Murphy.

“Is she just being polite to you because you’re a customer?”

He snorts. “She’s not polite to me. She’s an asshole. I keep trying to bring in stuff to sell and she tells me to get better shit.”

“That sounds about right, yeah.”

“So what do I do?”

“Can you just ask her if she wants to get a drink sometime?”

He pulls a face. “Pass.”

“Can you figure out a way to see her outside of the pawn shop without actually asking her?”

“I think she’s in a band.”

“So you got me drunk to agree to go to your crush’s concert with you? I’d do that anyway.”

“Isn’t that weird? Like–going to her concert?”

“How do you know she has a band?”

“She told me.”

“And the concert?”

“There’s a flyer by the register.”

“Did she ever mention it?”

“I asked her what it was and she said it was her band and they were decent.”

“So that seems like a pretty normal way to express interest in someone. You can just say you were curious or bored or whatever.”

“And you’re coming?”

“I’m coming.”

“Cool.” He groans and flops onto his back. “This already sucks.”

Clarke pats his shoulder. “You get used to it.”

*

Murphy’s crush’s name is Emori and she plays drums in a band called “Jose Chung’s ‘From Outer Space,’” which seems like a lot of name for one band, but Murphy tells her it’s an X-Files reference, so at least it makes some sense. There are four of them, two other women on bass and guitar, and the lead singer, a guy with messy black hair and sharp black eyeliner who looks too pretty to be a real person. He’s got a decent voice too, deep and kind of rough, an unvarnished kind of sound that Clarke feels down to her toes.

“Do you know any of the other ones?” she asks Murphy.

“Nope,” he says. “She was right, though, they’re not bad.”

“They aren’t.” She pulls her attention away from the lead singer to focus on Emori, taking her in. She’s cute, with a big face tattoo that must have hurt like hell to get, and long brown hair pulled away from her face by a red bandanna. She’s wearing a black tank top that leaves her shoulders bare, showing off more ink that clearly continues under the fabric.

She’s not who she would have pictured for Murphy, but she also doesn’t know who she would have pictured. She’s always thought Murphy’s type was more about personality than appearance.

Jose Chung’s “From Outer Space” are the first of three no-name local bands in the set, and Murphy, being the disaster that he is, wants to just leaveas soon they’re off the stage. But Clarke sees the lead singer making his way to the bar, so she makes a quick decision.

“I’m going to go make friends with the rest of the band,” she says. “If you want to run away, you can go, but you’re own your own.”

She doesn’t give him a chance to respond, but she hears some spluttered protests that let her know he is following her, and bites back on her smile. It’s definitely a little bit selfish, but only a little; Murphy did ask for her help. Sort of.

There’s just enough free space next to the singer for Clarke to wedge herself in, and the guy glances over, mildly curious, but doesn’t say anything. She checks around for Murphy, finds he’s hanging back, and leans in to murmur, “Sorry, I’m trying to force my friend to flirt with your drummer.”

The guy’s eyebrows go up. This close, he’s even prettier, tan skin dotted with freckles, a small scar placed perfectly to bring attention to his lips, the eyeliner the icing on the cake. “I’m not sure how this is helping your friend flirt with my drummer,” he replies, just as low.

“If I’m here, he can’t talk to me.”

“My drummer eats guys alive.”

“I think he’s into that. That seems to be his type.”

“Huh.”

Clarke flags down the bartender and orders a beer. “You guys are really good,” she offers.

“Thanks.”

Okay, so, he’s hot, but aloof, and a little too full of himself, if Clarke is honest. The band is really good, but they’re playing a small venue in Cambridge. They’re not big enough that he should be above talking to people, so it’s probably just a personality trait.

“What’s your friend’s name?” he asks, not looking at her.

“Murphy.”

“He probably doesn’t have a chance.”

Clarke shrugs. “I’ll be proud of him if he just gives it a try.”

“Low standards, huh?” says the guy.

“He doesn’t get out much.”

“So, how long do I have to stay here for this?”

Clarke blinks. “Sorry?”

“You’re hitting on me. How long do I have to stay?”

“I didn’t know you were in a big hurry to be gone. I assumed you were at the bar because you wanted a drink. But I can go hit on someone else. Is your bass player into women?”

That perks him up, because he’s apparently the kind of asshole who thinks girl-on-girl is hot. “Possibly, but she’s got a boyfriend right now. Sorry.”

Clarke cracks her neck as an excuse to look around. Murphy is talking to Emori and she’s smiling, which means Clarke’s work here is done and she can leave the surly asshole alone. It’s always a shame when a hot boy in eyeliner lets her down, but she’ll live. “Oh well. Murphy’s set, so you should have a good rest of the night.”

He looks a little surprised. “Oh, uh, yeah. You too.”

Clarke raises her glass in salute and slides away from him, moving down the bar to a less crowded spot. She doesn’t let herself look back to see if he’s watching her, but she does let herself hope.

It would serve him right.

*

Unfortunately, but not surprisingly, Murphy doesn’t come up with a better way to flirt with Emori than going to her shows, which means that Clarke is also going to her shows, to be a supportive friend, and getting to know Emori and by extension the rest of the band.

Emori, at least, she likes. She’s quick and funny and takes no shit, which is perfect for Murphy, and despite what the surly singer said, she does seem kind of fond of him. It’s hard to get a great read on her, but she keeps coming to talk to Murphy, and Clarke doesn’t think she’s the type to talk to people unless she actually wants to. Their whole relationship seems to be based on talking shit, but that’s got to be Murphy’s type.

Raven and Echo–the bass and guitar players, respectively–are cool too, easy for Clarke to hang out with while Murphy’s busy with Emori. She likes them all, really. It’s not a hardship.

Except that there’s Bellamy, too.

She does want to like Bellamy, but she can’t get over thinking he’s just kind of an asshole. He’s never really as aloof as he was that first night again, seems to warm up once he’s realized that Emori doesn’t seem to be planning to kick Murphy’s ass, but he’s still kind of cold. And part of her can’t help feeling like she should get over it, that it’s unfair of her to hold a grudge for one night, but she just can’t figure out how to get along with Bellamy.

She does try, but from what she can tell, he doesn’t. She asks him about the band and he deflects, talking about how they’re not really that good, it’s just a hobby. She asks what his real job is and he makes a face, says it’s boring. It’s not as if every conversation is like that, but she always feels like he’s not that interested in the conversation, like he’s waiting for her to just stop talking to him.

“So stop talking to him,” Murphy says, with a shrug. “Who cares?”

“Do you like him?”

“I guess. It’s not like I’m making him a friendship bracelet or anything. Does it matter?”

“You’re my barometer, remember?”

His eyebrows shoot up. “You want to date Bellamy?”

“No!” she says, but it’s too late. Murphy’s running with it.

“I guess he’s probably kind of hot? Not my type, but makes sense for you. And you’re pissed because he’s not interested.”

“I don’t know why you’re acting like this is news.” It seems like a safer tactic than arguing. “I told you I tried to flirt with him the first day, it obviously didn’t work.”

“Yeah, but you’re still pissed,” he says. “So you’re still into him.”

“I want him to be into me.” If she can’t tell Murphy these things, what good is he? “I don’t get why he’s not.”

“Okay, but if you’re not into him, who cares? He doesn’t like you, you don’t like him, no harm, no foul, right? Way better than the alternative.”

“I didn’t do anything wrong. He should like me. At least as a person.”

“I think he’d be good for you.”

That actually does surprise her; she’s not sure he’s ever offered an unsolicited opinion on whether or not she should date someone.

“You do?”

“Yeah, probably. He’s a pretty decent guy and we have fun hanging out. Doesn’t take my shit and gives as good as he gets.”

“But he’s not into me, so I don’t know why we’re having this conversation.”

“Because you wanted to talk about him. You started it.”

“I was complaining.”

“You complain about him a lot.” Murphy groans. “Look, like him, don’t like him, I don’t give a shit. But if you don’t like him, stop caring what he thinks, stop talking to him, and let it go.”

It’s exactly what she should be doing; she flops onto his stomach with a groan of her own. “I hate you she says.”

“Yeah, I know.”

*

“So, I owe you an apology.”

It’s a week after her conversation with Murphy and Clarke has admitted, at least privately, that she still wants to make out with Bellamy and still might kind of like Bellamy, despite all logic and reason.

And now he’s smiling at her, nervous and casual in a t-shirt and glasses at Raven’s game night, and she has no idea what’s happening.

“You do?”

“It’s stupid.”

“Why don’t you just tell me what you’re talking about and we can go from there? Because I’m kind of lost.”

He clears his throat. “So, uh–I didn’t know Murphy’s name was John.”

“And you’re apologizing to me for that?”

“The first night we met you said your friend was flirting with Emori, and I knew she liked this customer of hers named John, so I thought you were distracting me so some asshole she didn’t like could slobber all over her. So I was annoyed.”

“And you only just realized Murphy was her customer crush?” she asks, stuck between amusement and disbelief. “It’s been months!”

“I know! I thought he just got lucky and she liked him, but then she said John was coming tonight and I said I hadn’t met him and the rest of the band made fun of me for like an hour.”

“It kind of sounds like you deserved it.”

He ducks his head, smiling sheepishly, and Clarke smiles too. “Anyway, I feel like–I never knew how to explain without telling you I thought Emori was into someone else. And I still kind of thought you were a dick for trying to distract me with your feminine wiles.”

“I was joking!”

He laughs. “Yeah, uh–anyway. Sorry?”

“You don’t really have to apologize for that,” she says. “It’s not like you were–you’re pretty polite mostly. I thought you had a bad night. And didn’t like me much.”

“Yeah. But I want us to do better, so–can we start over?”

It’s strange, because part of Clarke feels like they never actually started. Like this is actually going to be their first try.

Which makes it easy. “Yeah, I’d like that.”

It should fix all her problems, or at least all the problems she’s admitting she has, but less than two weeks later she slams a bag into the island and says, “I bought vanilla vodka and orange juice and I want it to taste like a creamsicle.”

“Won’t work but okay,” says Murphy. “What did Bellamy do?”

“Who says it’s about Bellamy?”

“Can we skip the bullshit and you just tell me?”

Clarke considers. “Drink first.”

They make it through the first round and then Clarke says, “He likes me now.”

“And you hate him?”

“No, I still want to make out with him.” She sighs. “You were right, I’m totally into him, and now we’re getting along, and everything sucks. He’s really cute.”

Murphy takes another drink of his vanilla screwdriver. “So ask him to make out. At least you’re not trying to tell him you’re into him but not into sex and you’ve never actually dated anyone before. Why are you complaining?”

“Have you figured out a way to mention you’re ace yet?” she asks.

“Nope. It doesn’t really come up in conversation. No one’s like, how much does everyone love sex? They just assume the answer is a lot and don’t bother asking.”

“Sorry.”

“It’s fine. Keep complaining about your thing, that helps.”

She flops onto her back. “He’s just so pretty.”

Murphy pats her leg. “Yeah, that sucks.”

*

Murphy’s problem seems easier to solve than hers, especially in early May. Clarke gives it a week and then, when they’re out drinking with the whole band, asks, “Oh, is anyone going to Pride? Do you guys need a ride?”

“You’re going to Pride?” Echo asks.

“She’s bi,” Bellamy says, even though Clarke’s never told him that. “Or pan?” he adds, glancing at her for approval.

“I usually go with bi, but as long as it covers no gender preference I’m good.”

“I’m biromantic asexual,” says Murphy. Clarke didn’t warn him, but he’s pretty quick with this stuff.

“We always go to Pride because that’s how we got to be friends. Some asshole in our high-school GSA told us neither of us belonged there because we weren’t queer enough.”

“Jesus Christ,” says Bellamy. “Well, I could use a ride.”

Clarke will admit to startling, just a little. She didn’t really think anyone in the band was queer, had just wanted to give Murphy an excuse to share his sexuality. It was always possible she’d get a taker, but it hasn’t seemed likely.

But Bellamy wants to join them. If he’s gay, that kind of sucks, at least for her. But he’s bi or trans–into women at all and queer, basically–he might be her dream guy.

“I know it’s shitty to ask why people want to go to Pride, but I still want to know,” Murphy says.

“Also bi,” says Bellamy, so, yeah. Clarke wants to marry him. “I’ve never actually been to Boston Pride, though. I don’t like going alone.”

“Then you should definitely come with us,” says Clarke, and he gives her one of his melting smiles.

“Thanks.”

“Can I come along as a supportive outsider who would happily make out with a girl if the opportunity presented itself?” Emori asks.

“Definitely,” says Murphy. “Just don’t talk about ally pride or whatever and we’re good. And kiss a girl if you can, I hear it’s cool.”

Echo’s interested to learn that he’s never kissed a girl, and she and Emori and Raven get drawn into that conversation, leaving Clarke and Bellamy off on their own.

“So, that first day we met,” she says.

Bellamy cocks his head. “What about it?”

“I asked if anyone else in the band liked girls and you kind of–” She shrugs. “I thought you were one of those guys who thinks girls kissing is hot and for your benefit. But you were excited I was queer.”

He laughs. “Shit, I didn’t know you noticed. But yeah, I always like meeting more bisexuals. I was rethinking you.”

“Where did you end up?”

“What do you mean?”

She smiles. “You rethought me, so–what did you end up thinking of me?”

He bites the corner of his mouth, glances over at his band mates. They’re not paying attention that Clarke can tell, but she knows Murphy still has part of his focus on the two of them. The rest of the band probably does too. That’s the kind of group dynamic they have going.

Bellamy must be thinking the same thing. “You want to get another round?” he asks.

“Maybe at another bar.”

He laughs again, this bright, pleased laugh, at odds with his rock-star makeup. “Yeah, that sounds right.”

Outside, he says, “I thought I should have picked you up when I had the chance. I was kicking myself for–I’m still kicking myself for not flirting back.”

Her own smile creeps up, starting small but never stopping growing. “You still could.”

“We could just get a drink at my place.”

“I’d love to.”

*

“How much do you think Taylor Macdonald would hate us going on a double date to Pride with our straight-passing partners?” Clarke asks.

Bellamy pauses in his application of glitter to Murphy. Apparently he’s as good as makeup as he is because he taught his sister how to do hers, which works out really well. Clarke sucks at makeup; it’s nice that they have complementary skill sets.

“Straight passing?” he asks, dubious.

“His words.”

“Dick.”

Murphy grins. “I figure if I’m pissing off Taylor Macdonald, I’m doing something right. I hope every time I’m happy, he feels like someone walked over his grave.”

Clarke offers her hand and he high-fives her; Emori smiles. “I’m starting to see why the two of you are such good friends. It didn’t quite add up before.”

“Spite and stubbornness,” says Clarke.

“Our main motivations in life.”

“Exactly,” says Emori. “It makes perfect sense.”

“I wouldn’t go that far,” Bellamy teases, but Clarke just smiles.

“Whatever. We’ve got it all figured out.”

[planets-and-prose]

Self Care Tips!

So there’s a trend of like. So many of the new writers I’m following (and the writers I already follow) are mentioning that they have anxiety/depression/are in some other way neurodivergent. So! Here is a thing that I’m compiling as an ADHD/Anxiety-having/Depression-having/PTSD-having college student, of things that have worked for ME.

*Of course you are not me! These things may not work for you, but hopefully they give you ideas or help a little. <3*

Also these ideas are absolutely NOT a substitute for seeing a therapist. If you are able that should be a first line of defense! Many colleges have free or low cost mental health services, high schools have counselors that can often direct you to mental health services, and if neither of those apply I am happy to attempt to direct you to resources and do some research for you!

A 24/7 crisis text line can be found here: https://www.crisistextline.org/ if you are too anxious to call someone.

Let’s start out with a few affirmations!

You are amazing.

Yes. YOU.

Even if you are not doing what you think your best is right now, you are doing amazingly!

You have accomplished something today. I don’t care even if it’s just getting out of bed or waking up. That stuff is HARD. Every time you get out of bed and face your mental illness, you are accomplishing something. And that is pretty amazing!

This is not eternal. Things will get better. Yes, they might suck right now, but things are not going to be this bad forever!

You are not a burden. Text a friend, a loved one, or me if you feel lost! I can definitely do my best to help.

You are loved! It might not feel that way but someone on this earth cares about you. I promise.

Strategies for when you know things are gonna get rough

(this can include life things, like exam season, visiting unsupportive family, the anniversary of a death, etc. It can also include things like hormones! I am an AFAB person who gets periods, so there are certain weeks that I know my mental health is gonna be very hecked up.)

First we’re gonna figure out ways to attend to your basic heckin needs.

WATER. Keep some sort of fluid by your bed (water, juice, an electrolyte thing like powerade. Something low in sugar is good but literally anything works. If it hydrates you it’s fine)

FOOD.

If you have the energy to prep some meals, do that thing! (Trust me, grabbing a Tupperware out of the fridge is so much easier and less overwhelming than making a Meal)

Some of my personal versatile college-kid favorites are overnight oats, fried rice, quesadillas, pasta of any kind, etc.

I am vegetarian and am able to make all of the above vegan as well, so ask if you’re curious!

If you have the energy to go to the store, pick up some things that require very little preparation that you can munch on.

Ten’s favorites include Goldfish, fruit snacks, granola bars, cheese sticks, rolls, etc

If neither of these apply, take some time to identify a few things you can eat in a pinch!

Don’t worry about “Cohesive Meals”.  If you can grab some deli meat/cheese/carrots/crackers/anything of the sort, then that’s food.

SELF

Make a list of five things that make you happy/relaxed/feel Marginally Less Bad, and find ways to make a few of those happen.

Ex. Reach out to a friend and say you’re having a hard time, gather supplies for a craft you like, gather some writing ideas, make a happy playlist, etc!

Make a time during the bad times that you are going to attend to One Activity That Is Relaxing.

For me, Sundays at 7ish is nail art time. I take that time to do my nails, which is a comfort activity for me. I don’t schedule things then, because that is My Time. My Time is a priority then. But it doesn’t even have to take a couple hours, just like “for 30 minutes here I will sketch” or something like that will work!

OTHER

Set reminders to do things like take meds/drink water/take a walk/etc!

Build as much of a support system as you can beforehand basically! Set yourself up for success in as many little ways as you can.

OK, It Is The Bad Time.

OK, time for some more affirmations.

This is a bad TIME, not bad forever. Even if this hit you suddenly it WILL get better!

You can do this!

You are not alone! You are not a burden! Reach out if you can!

You’ve got this!

Now we’re gonna go back to the other things we talked about before!

BASIC THINGS: Things are rough! You are not going to be able to do everything you are doing at your best. If you broke your leg you wouldn’t be trying to walk to work/school/around the house the same way you normally would. You’d accommodate. Do the same thing with your mental health.

Make a list of small things that you feel like you might be able to do. If things are feeling too overwhelming, think even smaller!

Suggestions: Shower, brush teeth, take a short walk, get out of bed and walk around the room, put one dish in the sink, get a drink of water, stretch (even just in bed), text a friend, change into another pair of pajamas

Celebrate when you do these things! Maybe even write down each one you accomplish.

If you are in school, reach out to professors if you can. Many of them will understand and be VERY accommodating.

Reach out to a friend if you can! Good friends will be willing to help, even in little ways!

Something is always better than nothing. This is gonna be a theme but doing one thing, ANY thing, is an accomplishment!

WATER: Keep a glass of water/water bottle by your bed, or any other liquid. Don’t beat yourself up if you can only drink a little. Something is better than nothing. Every sip is one sip more than you probably wanted to take. Every sip is one more sip of hydration.

FOOD: This is one of the hardest ones for me because I have disordered eating habits. For me it’s an accomplishment if I don’t eat, so this is always the first thing that I neglect. So!

Again, think of easy things!

ANYTHING you eat is better than nothing. I don’t care if your breakfast was a handful of Goldfish. I don’t care if you skipped lunch and had a Pop Tart for dinner. You Ate Something and that is more than your mental health wanted you to. ANYTHING you eat is better than eating nothing. Your body will thank you, I promise.

Try to eat at least something at designated meal times. Again, literally anything. Sometimes you’ll find that food doesn’t feel good and that’s okay! But sometimes you’ll find that food is helping you feel better, and that can make a WORLD of difference.

SELF: This one can be tricky. Depression and anxiety can make doing things you love really, really hard and that sucks a LOT! So here’s a few little strategies that hopefully will help!

Think of nostalgic, comforting things. I have comfort songs, Youtube channels, etc that I go back to when I’m not feeling well. Keep that on lock!

Don’t force yourself to do something you don’t want to! If your happy thing isn’t appealing, don’t force it!

Try a couple different things! For me, when I was in my roughest patch of the year, I didn’t want to knit, write, read, do any of my comfort things. It was awful. But for some weird reason, drawing helped break through the depression a little. I am not an artist and usually stress a LOT when drawing, but for some strange reason, it was what I needed. Happiness lives in weird places.

A few closing things!

When you find something that works, NOTE IT. It can be a part of your toolbox for bad mental health times.

Seriously, there’s a lot of places where initial therapy consultations are low cost or free. Those can be a WORLD of help.

Reach out! I know I keep repeating it but it can make a world of difference!

You can get through this!

I know you can!

You’re braver than you think you are, you’re stronger than you can ever know! You might not feel like it, but you can do this!

Reach out to me if you need anything. I can hopefully direct you somewhere to help you. <3

[donzysguidetofreedom]

A little introduction

So, I’ve gained a ton of followers in 2018 and wanted to chat for a minute with you all.

First of all, thank you for following me. Checking in and seeing all your new posts and stuff is amazing and makes my day.

So, I’m Donna and I’m 28 years old.

Growing up I was very active in karate, training 5+ days a week. I could run 3 miles in 22 minutes flat after a cardio workout. I was at my peak at 12 years old (haha just kidding). Don’t get me wrong though, I was always a chunky kid.  Just athletic too. At 14 I got severe pancreatitis and was hospitalized for 3 weeks. They found a huge cyst on my ovary during this time as well and removed it. I spent months recovering (over the holidays no less). Afterward, I went back to karate but definitely was not working as hard.

Over the next 8 years my weight shot up to 291 pounds. I went through phases of working out and eating healthy-ish, but my relationship with food was (is?) atrocious. I binged regularly. I ate whatever I wanted whenever I wanted. I tried crash diets that just forced me to binge even harder when I failed. During this time I went to college, dropped out of college, moved to Florida for an internship at Walt Disney World, and ended up staying (and screwing my finances in the process).

In 2013 I moved back to New York to get my shit together. I started going to the doctor regularly again. I didn’t have insurance that covered much in Florida so I just avoided it. I was diagnosed with Type II Diabetes.

I jumped on a meal replacement diet through Ideal Protein and dropped 40 pounds the summer of 2014. I was doing GREAT. Didn’t hurt that I was living with my grandparents and my grammy cooked and packed my meals for me. Boy, what a simpler time.

During this weight loss, I started getting sick. My stomach was off constantly, and I didn’t know what was wrong. I went to the doctor and they ran some tests and initially blamed the diabetes. Blamed my sugar levels, that I was eating wrong/medicating wrong and it was causing this severe pain and many bowel movements daily (TMI sorry <3). They gave me so many antibiotics and other meds, and finally referred me to a GI doc. At my first appt he recommended a probiotic, and I was feeling mostly better. Because I’m slightly irresponsible, I didn’t go back for follow ups and everything seemed fine! However, I didn’t get back on the Ideal Protein diet and gained some weight back.

I started a new job and moved into my own apartment. I met the man of my dreams (spoiler alert, he’s the one I’m marrying in April). We started a life together and it was lovely.

May 2015 my brother died in a motorcycle accident a block away from his home two weeks before his 21st birthday. It understandably crushed me, and I went numb for a very long time. I kept busy. My fiancee and I took over his house and two pitbulls. I thought I was ok. I was really just avoiding my feelings.

Then I got sick again. I went to my primary care physician and was told it was my diabetes again. I did their tests, and was put on more antibiotics. I got sicker and sicker. I went to the ER twice because my fiancee was so worried about me. Both times I was told I had colitis, and needed to follow up with my primary care doctor. For six months I ate maybe one meal a day, and other than that had ginger ale, ritz crackers, and powerade. I was nauseous and exhausted 24/7. I finally called the GI they had sent me to years before and asked for an appointment. They got me in the same day when I explained my symptoms. I was so tired at this point that I took a nap in the exam room while waiting for the Nurse Practitioner to see me. It wasn’t an extended wait or anything. She wanted a colonoscopy and said we’d get it scheduled. She brought me to the nurse that handles the scheduling. That nurse scheduled me in for three weeks from then. I was devastated but it was their soonest appointment. Halfway home I received a call from the doctor saying he needed me in sooner than that and had me go in three days later for the procedure.

My boss during all of this was not pleased. She was not supportive. Basically, I was screwing her. It didn’t matter that I constantly was light headed. I was nauseous and in the bathroom all day at work anyways. She expected me to work to what she thought appropriate levels. She didn’t care at all. Just like she didn’t care when my brother died, but that’s a whole different story.

When I woke up from the colonoscopy heavily medicated I was told they needed to send me to the hospital. That I had Ulcerative colitis and it was severely flamed up. I spent the next week in the hospital on a liquid diet and was told to relax. I met a ton of doctors and learned a lot in that time.

They got me on some meds, and over the next six months I had to change up my meds until we found a good fit. I was finally feeling better.

I started a new job. I joined Crossfit. I quit Crossfit because I would push too hard and throw myself into a flare up after two weeks or so and be out of commission for a month. I joined the YMCA and gained a love for Zumba. I swam, a lot.

I went to Disney on the trip my brother and I had been planning. I got engaged on this trip to the love of my life.

I grew, I jumped on and off the diet bandwagon. I remained a pretty consistent weight of 260 pounds.

We planned a wedding for Summer 2018. I started therapy for my feelings around my brothers passing. I realized how severe my anxiety had become in the past two years. I’m still working on this. For the sake of my mental health and our wallets we cancelled our wedding plans and planned a weekend in Vegas with some family instead for April. Best decision I’ve made since saying yes to @sidekicksrstars2.

In 2017 I found so many wonderful fitblrs. I started posting regularly (on fatgirlsguidetofreedom). I eventually made this blog and started joining challenges (I even hosted one but it fell apart, I’ll do another one at some point). I made so many friends. I disappeared sometimes but thats ok. I always come back folks.

Which all leads me to here. This is my story. And its continuing at 100 miles per hour. These days I’m not on a strict diet, but I try and make more healthy choices than unhealthy. I try to start my mornings with a mix of coffee and muscle milk. I try and have a salad every day. I try and avoid fast food (ok the first Chick Fil A came to my town a month ago so thats not going very well). My weight has been sticking around 250 pounds. I won my first DietBet last month (woooohoo!) and I’m currently in two so gotta lose 10 pounds. I’m also in a StepBet with my wonderful cousin and best friend and it’s motivated me to move so much more than I was. There’s no cheating with it, you get your steps or you don’t. Thats it.

I am happy.  I am in love. I am getting married next month.

I have a long way to go but I’m proud of where I came from.

@fatmaninalittlesuit you inspired me to make this long post, so I definitely want to tag you but won’t blame you if you don’t read the whole thing, haha.

Thank you to the following people who I’ve interacted with and have really made the past year in the fitnerd community amazing. Even if we don’t chat, know that I love your posts and they make me so happy! If I forgot anyone, please don’t be offended, it’s not intentional!

@apologizetothetree

@evolutionofacosfitter

@im-healthyish

@time2shapeup

@nibsthefitmermaid

@janetlouise93

@mr-rubberlegz

@chocolate-and-peanutbutter

@wanderingbrave

@lizzieslifestyle

@liberatingdreamvoid

@legsgofasterplease

@msbeautifulketo

@fitchris25

@thebarefootemma

@plussizeadventure

I love you all, and I love all of my followers so much. If you read this whole thing, BLESS  YOU. Also, drop me a line sometime. I’m always game for new friends.

[thevagabondvantage]

Have faith. I take these words with me on my way up to the high dive. I feel the floor beneath me change from gentle concrete to strict metal. The smell of chlorine fades as I climb. Higher and higher, my toes curl with uneasiness if I look down. I’ve done this before, and I will certainly do it again.

Be in the moment. Twenty-five metres above the surface; nothing can bother me now. The things I found funny just moments below aren’t funny anymore. All the noise melts away. The real world looks so far away from such heights - a distance I’ve grown to love. My shoulders push back with deep urgency. My body knows what to do, I just have to let it. 

Trust in what you know. The key to a great dive is mental preparation and physical relaxation. Despite my need for absolute control, I have to let go and just let it happen. I straighten my back. Is it always this stiff right before a plunge? Hopes high and head forward, I relax my ankles, bend my knees, and let gravity decide.

-----

Everything strikes into pure silence the minute I make contact with the water. My favorite place in the world is twenty-five metres below the surface. For just a moment, I am at complete peace with all existence. The water doesn’t judge me or give me disapproving expressions. Anxiety and expectation are a world away; the only pressure I can sense is water pressure.

Air; you’ve never truly breathed until you’ve taken your first breath after a dive. Maybe the water knocks the air out of my lungs, or maybe I routinely expel it all just before impact. Regardless, the replenishment is better than sex! Or so I’ve been told…

Back on the land of concrete and opinions, I’m greeted by a towel and some Powerade. There’s still water trapped in my left ear, which is a telltale sign of a great dive. I tilt my head and let the excess water drain. I tossle the towel through my hair and let it hang from my shoulders. Two sips of Powerade later, I’ve caught my breath and feel like a new man. 

“Daniel Rogers,” a voice booms from behind me. “You’re something, kid. You know that?” Coach Jennings cusps his overly-dominant hand over my shoulder. “To think that the scrawny, hyperactive ten year old I met eight years ago would turn out to be my best diver…” His smile shared every bit of his pride. Jennings is a great coach! He took me under his wing back when I could barely finish a fifty yard freestyle and has been a second father to me. He and his wife, Alison, don’t have any kids of their own, so they make it a habit to “adopt” his swimmers and her tennis players.

“Last meet of the year! How do you feel?” We’d found a seat near the scoring room. I made an “I’m gonna barf” face in response, we both chuckled. Coach liked to give me post-practice/pre-meet pep talks, and - today - I needed it. “You’re gonna kill it, Rogers! And who knows? Some recruiters may be in the stands tonight,” he assured me . I’d already been scouted by four different universities, but none were the right fit quite yet.

“You’re keeping something from me, and I don’t like it,” I teased back. Coach grinned with smug satisfaction. 

“What would you do if I told you Notre Dame was coming tonight?” Holy shit.

“For me?!”

“And for Diaz! But mainly for you.” I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. “Well, what do you think?” I had a lot of thoughts, but nothing that needed to be said aloud.

“I think I need a shower.” I grabbed my Powerade and headed for the locker room.

Steam encircles the shower room, censoring anything and everything from the the naked eye. The benches were lined with discarded Speedos - I followed suit. I learned a long time ago that it’s only weird if you make it weird. I don’t have a horrible body. I could use less here and a little more there, but who couldn’t? As far as hardware is concerned, I may not have the most impressive tool, but it certainly gets the job done. The guys who make a spectacle of their equipment usually don’t last more than a season for one reason or another.

After showering and changing, the guys make small talk - ranging anywhere from one recent encounter with a pair of breasts to another encounter with a different pair of breasts. Sometimes we talk about baseball or panic over what the AP Biology assignment was the night before, but it always seems to make its way back to the female anatomy. I never have much to share, but am always down to listen to their “woes of hoes”.

Garrett, Nate, and I take turns playing “soccer mom” in our makeshift carpool - a tradition we started the minute we were allowed to drive. Today, I host us in my grandfather’s truck.

“Notre Dame?!” Nate exclaims.

“Notre Dame, man!” I hit back.

“Notre Damn, son!” Garrett is the worst. “Of course - this can only happen to you. You’re the luckiest guy I know. You turn down UCLA without any good reason and Notre Dame comes running after you. Like I said, Notre Damn... If I’d done that, I’d be stuck at community college for the rest of my life.” Garrett was rushing to copy the last few problems from our math homework.

“Aren’t you nervous?” Nate always asks the right question at the most inconvenient time. It was a damn gift, if you ask me. 

“Not really,” I lied. Truth be told, my stomach had been doing somersaults since Jennings dropped the bomb. I wish he hadn’t told me, but had no control over that, and it was starting to really freak me out.

“Well, I’d be a wreck if Notre Dame wanted to see me stick the landing,” Nate laughed. “Just make sure you remember us mediocres when you go Olympian!” I roll my eyes as we pull into the parking lot. I look at the clock - 8:00 on the dot. I can make or break all of my potential in just ten hours. Try to have that ringing through your mind during a history test - I don’t recommend it.

-----

“On deck - Varsity Men’s High Dive - Rogers, Lyle, and Denton!” Coach’s yell somehow cuts through the sound of a million parents and spectators. Two more events and we’re on. I’ve made it this far, and nothing can hold me back. I look out to the stands to scout for some familiar faces, that always calms me down. 

The first person I see is Becca, one of my exes, which has the reverse effect. She gave me a look so cold it could freeze the equator. I shrug it off and keep searching. I make eye contact with a cute blonde. She smiles and waves excitedly, which catches me by surprise. I start to wave back, but quickly realize she wasn’t waving at me in the first place. Chris Denton, standing a couple of feet to my left, waves back at her, smiling like a dog. I hope and pray it’s one of his sisters. Last, I finally see my mom. She came prepared with a camera and foam finger. Embarrassing as she may be, I can never accuse her of being anything other than supportive. 

I wish the scout from Notre Dame would have had a huge sign behind him so I could find him. Or at least a Notre Dame hat! Not knowing was so nerve-racking. There were a lot of people I didn’t recognize, so he could be anybody. For all I know, he could actually be a she! 

Garrett and Nate, my next-biggest fans, are on the benches a few yards away. Garrett does a weird dance to make me laugh while Nate gives me a reassuring smile. They’d both won their individual events, so it was up to me to bring the final crown of glory - the high dive. As another set of divers make their way up the steps, my stomach knots.

Coach Jennings must have smelled my insecurity. He cusps his hand over my shoulder in his signature fashion.

“Last swim meet of the season. How you feeling, son?” I wish he hadn’t have called me son.  Any other nickname would have been better. “Shit-brain” would have been easier to hear! I look up at him, fear flaring from my blue eyes. He catches the drift. “Remember, boy, history is written by the victors. You’re the best diver this team has seen. No judge, critic, or university can ever tell you otherwise!” He looks me in the eye, like a father to his son, and delivers a message I will never forgot. “Have faith, be in the moment, and trust in what know.”

The last set of divers emerge from the water. Time has caught up, and it’s time to face reality. My heart races as I try to find my center. I feel as if I were a surgeon with an awfully unsteady hand - one wrong move and I end a life. Whether I like it or not, it’s time; do, or dive.

-----

Have faith. I take these words with me on my way up to the high dive. I feel the floor beneath me change from gentle concrete to strict metal. The smell of chlorine fades as I climb. Higher and higher, my toes curl with uneasiness if I look down. I’ve done this before, and I will certainly do it again.

Be in the moment. Twenty-five metres above the surface; nothing can bother me now. The things I found funny just moments below aren’t funny anymore. All the noise melts away. The real world looks so far away from such heights - a distance I’ve grown to love. My shoulders push back with deep urgency. My body knows what to do, I just have to let it. 

Trust in what you know. The key to a great dive is mental preparation and physical relaxation. Despite my need for absolute control, I have to let go and just let it happen. I straighten my back. Is it always this stiff right before a plunge? Hopes high and head forward, I relax my ankles, bend my knees, and let gravity decide.

[mytherapistthinksiamfunny]

I am Christmas Shopping in September during a global pandemic.

What does that mean? 

It means that life goes on and we have to plan ahead. People are dying, and those of us that remain will need a little shallow shiny thing during winter. 

And those of us that remain will need something that helps us remember 

that we remain.

Personally, I have made it clear to my spouse that I want and expect many gifts, many items wrapped in shiny and aesthetically pleasing paper. I want a combination of specifically specific items from specific stores/sites in specific shades/sizes/palettes/editions S P E C I F I C! 

I also want random items that he chooses in any variety of quality/thoughtfulness/expense 

Whatever it takes to make the moment last. The glorious moment of joy in opening a gift that someone has chosen just for you

I love doing that for people I care about. I bond with people by making them feel seen or letting them know that I find them intriguing and would like to know them better.

This year especially, I need to do this for the people I love and that matter to me. And I need to receive it or something like it from the people that care for me and/or have put up with my declining mental health and decent into madness

I see it as a form of self care and staying grounded through my relationships with others. Because if I succumb to my self-indulgent self-hatred I will end before this sentence does.

So...

Since I am still strong enough to fight for my life...

I have decided that I will shop for my life.

I know it sounds shallow. Or..  R E P U B L I C A N...

But I have come to the realization that it really is the thought that counts for me.

I truly love the knowledge that someone took time out of their day to think of me and wonder if something would bring a smile to my face.

Because people are dying and we remain. 

And if all we do is survive to December 25th, or whenever you celebrate the end of year holy days 

mine are Friendxmas the weekend before Christmas, December 12th, Christmas Day movies and Chinese food, New Year’s Day music shopping and movie-binge-watching with friends 

and the anxiety-inducing panic of rushing through the last few pages of a book so I can count it on my reading challenge and then I can briefly forget the exhaustion of not enjoying my book long enough to ambitiously add 2 titles to my New Years Resolution Reading Challenge

So.

I am shopping. During a global pandemic.

Because my brother has made it through the better (haha) part of 2019 and all of 2020 without a drop of alcohol. He has faced his demons and punched them in the mommy issues

And last year when he told me he was in rehab and had been clean for 3 months and counting

I was so proud of him for fighting his way through the cycle of abuse and depression

I’ve been there too.

It’s not the same. His demons attack him externally. Mine attack me internally

It’s not a competition. And it’s not for me to judge him. Or his fight. It’s for me to support him in any way he needs me to.

Recently, it has meant that I selfishly used him to solve my financial troubles by having him take on my beloved Stella Roland, her room and board, his weekend warrior excursions, her resourcefulness and street savvy. I’ll explain later.

But my point was that I promised my brother a trip to Disneyland if he managed to stay sober for 6 months.

Just before his 6 months were complete...

The pandemic hit the news cycle

and everything shut down

It is very important to me that my little brother understand that he has done something amazing in a time when it could have broken him. And that he is so important to me that I was living in fear that I would hear from someone somewhere that he passed in some bizarre way. Or an all-too-expected one

And I need him to know that if anything were to happen to him, I would be destroyed

So I will do that. Let him know that he has done something amazing and that he means the world to me.

Because that is what my promise of Disneyland was all along. Not a bribe, but a promise of celebration. 

We cannot control everything.

Sometimes plans change. Sometimes they have to

But that doesn’t mean we give up hope.

Because hope is the most dangerous thing in the world. 

Those who have it will never give up

And those who lose it have nothing left to lose

So...

That long post was to seek shopping advice.

If you were a recovering young man trying to get his life back on track and looking towards family for comfort but your mother’s a batman villain, your father’s a recovering fuckboi, your sister’s daddy issues require their own well-lit corner of the family closet, your brother-in-law has knowingly and willingly joined this psychotic traveling circus by marrying your sister after learning that she was related to Pennywise the Dancing Clown, and you have not seen your young daughter in many years possibly triggering the childhood trauma you experienced as a child when your mother kicked your father out on his drunk ass for trading in the family vehicle to the gang across the street for copious amounts of cocaine 

Should I get him the ReMastered Taylor Swift Box Set and ridiculously over-glittered “13″ foam finger that will inevitably be released closer to Thanksgiving/Black Friday? 

I mean, it’s a prediction but you know Ms. Swift got something up them Cardigan sleeves. I bet the foam hand covering will be split into a heart-hand shape where one hand is holding up the middle finger to denote the “1″ and the other hand is holding up 3 fingers to denote how many album masters she owns while fulfilling the contractual agreement that releases her from BMLG and cuts into Tricycle Brawny’s profits

Or should I get him The Shining and Doctor Sleep by Dr. Stephen King, PhD?

You know, the feel-good story of a child who witnessed his father’s decent into madness and turn violent toward his family in an isolated hotel that haunts the nightmares of anyone remotely familiar with the story clear into the second chapter of the sequel that sees him grow into a man that has followed his deadbeat dad’s path to the bottom of a bottle through the mountains of cocaine it takes to help forget his past and reaches bottom when he remembers that he has a supernatural gift that can help save the next generation from falling victim to the same cycle of self-destruction and self-inflicted pain as penance for past sins or minor transgressions. 

Or is that too on the nose?

So far, I’ve gotten him 

A small Batman that he could stick to the dash in his car

A golden Batmobile Hot Wheels

Two Lion King puzzles

One Lion King set of stickers

A bag of All Pink Starburst

Convinced him to celebrate his Sobriety Birthday

Decided to gift him items 1-6 as his Sobriety Birthday Gift

Volunteered to get him an Oreo Ice Cream Cake and pop blue Powerade bottles in his honor. i should also pick up a pumpkin pie and orange sodas and Doritos

Or should I get him The Haunting of Hill House?

Gift-giving is hard.

I think I’ll get him a Czechoslovakian Football.

Or this

https://www.uncommongoods.com/product/playful-sports-mugs#255120000000

[familyxbonds-blog]

Odds for Will, evens for Dan!

random questions for character building (and fun)

{ ivy } : this is going to be fun !! 

1. go to karaoke song?

Ooooh, Will ADORES karaoke, this is the best question!! I think his fav song for karaoke is one of the classics, like I will survive or Everybody because he’s a nerd who loves boy bands (he’ll probably end up try to do all the voice at once, too, because William Garrick Keller isn’t a quitter). 

2. a song that describes them?

I think for Dan I’m gonna go with Show You by Shawn Mendes because a) he loves Shawn Mendes, and b) since he’s the youger brother, he always get this sense of helplessness that he’s unable to do much for his family? So this is probably like his power song to feel better. I think he’s adorable tbh. 

3. are they good at sports?

Will, like every other generation three Keller, is a baseball junkie. He played it for most of his high school and college years, in a small league with some of his friends; he could’ve gone pro (or at least Wesley says he could) but he decided it just wasn’t for him. Nevertheless, he’s actually a great batter, and a fantastic pitcher. 

4. do they have a favorite movie?

Dan’s favorite ever is Atlantis, The Lost Empire. He used to watch it all the time as a kid because Milo reminds him of Seth. He feels some sort of comfort by watching it. It’s also an amazing movie that he feels is underappreciated. (Part of it might also do with the fact that he wants to have scientific adventures like those one day, my cute nerd.) 

5. three things in their fridge?

Ugh, Will and Wes are the worst at stocking up their fridge. They both forget to eat sometimes and when there’s nothing they’ll just be too tired to go outside and never go get anything. They’re both a disaster so they’ll probably only have like some really old ham for sandwiches they never made, expired milk, and one really old Powerade. 

6. three recently watched on netflix?

Dan spends so little time on Netflix, so all the times he gets to actually watch it is when Seth is home for the holidays or weekends. They watch anything Star Trek (and I mean everything; they’re starting Discovery right now), Young Justice now that it’s on Netflix, and Trollhunters. 

7. celebrity crush?

William is in love with Gina Rodríguez, I’m sorry, that’s just how things are. 

8. are they close to their family?

Dan loves every single Keller. I probably say this all the time, but after the third generation was born, they kinda stuck to each other like leeches. They all come from a really broken family, where trust was shattered and a lot of drama went down. While most of the young ones never got to live the situation in Keller Manor when things were ugly, they still know most of the stories from the older generations. They know the things that were done, and they’re aware of the kind of people they come from. Because of this, everyone is so closely knit together, especially in recent years when a certain family was found to exist (you know, Grayson’s family). Dan lost his dad, almost lost his brother, and knows all the stories. He loves everyone in his family and would probably go through pretty extreme extents to protect them. 

9. best thing in their life?

BY THIS POINT, THIS IS REPETITIVE, BUT KELLERS LOVE KELLERS. William will (hah) forever be thankful for having been born last to a family of such loving people. I think, form everyone, he’s the most thankful for Wesley, since they get so well along. That’s not to say that he doesn’t love Graham and Gabriel (because he does) but he feels a lot closer to Wes than he ever will to the other two. The age gap is pretty big for him, but he still is very happy to have his family so close to him. 

(He was very excited when he found out he had more nephews and nieces!! He was less excited when he met Lucas and Lucas would not stop annoying him about his age!!!) 

10. greatest regret?

He was 13 at the time, but he will always regret not being there when Seth tried to take his own life. He’s thankful for Uncle Sebastian coming in to save the day, but Seth is Dan’s very best friend, and he will forever regret not being there while Seth was hurting so much. Seth has been there for him through it all, even in his darkest days, and thanks to him coming out and being himself was never hard, and he’s just so guilty that he couldn’t give that to his brother. 

11. biggest lie?

“Yes, Graham, we just had dinner.” Honestly, Will needs to start taking care of his diet a little bit more because one day he will faint on the job and Graham will be there to stare down at him. He’ll feel like he’s five years old again after getting his white shirt all dirty aND THAT’S WHEN HE’LL START EATING WELL, OKAY? 

12. biggest flaw?

I don’t particularly think being too-trusting is a flaw, but I’ve been told that it is, and I have seen first-hand the kind of trouble that it can get you into. Daniel trusts everyone too much, kinda like his Uncle Robin. Seth’s the one who has gone through a lot of bad stuff, and he tried his best to keep Dan away from that, so the boy is actually pretty naive and soft-hearted. 

13. best accomplishment?

I think for Will his biggest accomplishment is actually passing his probation period before he became a cop, and then making it to detective as fast as he did was actually a feat on itself, too. Some people side-eye him and say it was because he had an older brother already in the force, but Will did actually work for it--he was just transferred to Robbery from Vice because he wanted to have his brother’s back. 

14. greatest fear(s)?

Disappointing his mother or brother. Dan loves his immediate family very much, and the thought of making them unhappy or upset with him is actually pretty awful for him. 

15. what is their vice? (wrath, greed, pride, lust, gluttony, sloth, envy)

For Will, this one is really easy, since I have this thing written down for him since he started appearing in my head. Wrath. He has anger management issues. He’s trying to fix them, and tries to never let it get in his way during work, but it’s something very real for him and for his brothers. He’s not violent, mostly, but Will can shout, okay? And like, he’ll have his normal spurts when people call him cute, but it’s nothing compared to when he is really, really angry. 

16. what would their hogwarts house be?

Dan is a Ravenclaw!! He’s a very curious and inquisitive young man!

17. did they graduate high school? if so did they attend college?

Yes, and no. William got his high school diploma and immediately went for police academy. He was a little scared at first because Wesley and Graham have an undergrad, but Gabriel didn’t get one and he’s doing just fine. Granted, Gabriel is a model, but he was still very supportive when Will said he didn’t want to go to college. 

18. when was their first real relationship? how’d it go?

Dan hasn’t had his first real relationship. He’s very shy and tends to not speak up very much, so while he’s had had crushes everywhere, he still hasn’t told anyone about his feelings, which results in him never getting a relationship. 

19. have they ever broken someones heart? has someone broken theirs?

William has gone through a couple of relationships, but he’s never been in too deep to hurt someone or to have someone hurt him. It makes him kinda sad that he has never gotten that kind of love tbh. 

20. have they ever been married? are they married?

DANIEL IS A CHILD, OKAY? 

21. do they have children? have they before?

Will hasn’t had any kids, but Duke is his light and entire life. He tries to talk to him at least once a week on the phone or through a videocall--he’s a helicopter uncle like that tbh. Since he’s too close to the fourth generation Keller’s age he gets along really well with Seth and Lucas just disrrespects him all the time because of it. Dan and Eliza are teenagers, so he struggles to understand them (even though he was one til like seven years ago), but he also loves them very much. 

(And yes, he loves Lucas, but Lucas is an asshole.) 

22. do they want children?

Dan definitely wants children once he’s done with med-school!! 

23. opinion on pets? cats or dogs?

Will has wanted to get a kitty adopted since Wes and he moved in together, but Wes says that the poor kitty will always be alone because of their work schedule, so Wes won’t let him. 

(He’s gonna get one.) 

24. opinion on horror films?

Dan doesn’t hate them, but he doesn’t like them either unless they have a really very interesting plot. His brother is very criticizing of movie plots, and it’s a habit that he passed down to Daniel, so now he’s always scrutinizing the movies he watches. 

25. do they have allergies?

Nope! Which is good because Will is an idiot and could get himself killed. 

26. do they have a certain aesthetic or style?

If you mean like clothes he wears a lot of flannels in several different styles. He’s a flannel bab. If you’re talking like what you could find in his aesthetic board, he’ll probably have a lot of books, journal spreads (a habit he picked up before Seth), and the likes. 

27. do they have tattoos or piercings?

Will doesn’t! He’ll never admit it but he’s scared of needles and sharp objects. 

28. do they have any distinctive features or marks?

Dan kept the freckles! Seth and he were both very freckle-y when they were born (and so was Selena when she was younger) but he was the only one of the two who kept them. 

29. do they enjoy coffee or tea? hot or iced? 

Will cannot escape the clichés. He loves both, tbh, and as an Englishman and a police officer, that’s kind of stressful for him. He loves them iced, however. 

30. are they religious or spiritual?

I think Dan is way too much into science to pay much attention to religion or spirituality. He is very curious by nature, so he likes to investigate things that are around him--like he’ll listen to his classmates or friends and look up the things that they talk about, and some of those things happen to be religion. He’s not sure what he believes in, since it’s never been a huge part of his life, but he’s interested in learning!

31. are they a morning person or night person?

Will is definitely a morning person! He doesn’t like staying up too late and he’s way too chipper in the mornings when Wesley just wants to die. It’s great. Mornings are fantastic in their apartments. 

32. if they could have any superpower what would it be?

The ability to heal! Dan wants to be a doctor someday, he still doesn’t know where he is really headed to, but he knows that the health sector is very interesting. 

33. who is their ride or die friend?

I mean, Wesley and he are literally partners in the force, so I think that might just be it. But if anyone’s interested in giving William a ride or die friend, I’m game! 

[mindofalexurrss]

October 20th, 2019

I started this blog today. Kinda as a compromise to myself for ditching out on therapy. I need somewhere to vent. To say all the things that no one wants to hear, the things I don’t even want to say.

I left work today 4 hours early because I was crawling out of my skin. My eyes continually started to water and as the day went on depression shrouded me like a literal dark cloud. I went home, binge watched some tv in my underwear, and waited for Shawn to get home.

Shawn is my live in boyfriend of almost 2 years. He is the most supportive person in my life. When he got home, he brought me Powerade and silly Halloween socks. The little things matter. Later in the evening he bought me three Harry Potter pins that I’m in love with!

Now, laying on the couch with bedtime less than an hour away, I can do nothing but dread the day ahead of me, and the one after that, and the one after that. I’m so drained. So tired. So emotional. Hopefully these next two days will be easier than today was. 🤞🏼