#posting abt how stressed they are or something and seems like they need to talk

[har-rison-s]

whatever you need | coryo snow x fem!reader

a/n: don't mind me, just eating pomelo and writing smut. i daydream about this piece every and all work day i have rn, it's pretty unhinged bcs i'm working as a gift wrapper for the holiday season and just staring ahead thinking of.... things. i'm technically an atheist, but i would need forgiveness for those thoughts. ANYWAY JEEZ. this took me like four days, help. i'm so insecure abt my smut writing, tho so ooohhh god am i actually dreading posting this. i'll just publish and run away from tumblr for a week. happy reading

talk to me about coryo here

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word count: 7.2k (sawrry)

themes: smut

warnings / disclaimers: smut, unprotected p in v, brief mutual masturbation, cum eating (SCREAMING), fingering, crying, ENJOY jsdfjhsadsd

gif credit goes to owner <3

something strange was happening in the arena. something was being done to the camera feeds that were supposed to livestream every second of what was happening in it. only because something seemed to have gone wrong in the games y/n was stuck to the television screen in her living room slash lounge. her parents were called into urgent work in district three a few hours ago, so it was only her and some of the maids in the house. they kept to themselves, though, and were probably asleep in their quarters at the mansion’s far-end wing. except for the main housekeeper, who was adamantly guarding the entrance of the house, in case anyone came by.

her parents were counting on someone coming by - with the way she was recently behaving at school and with the rebel bombs, they were real worried about her well-being. she was always alone at home, because there was no one to bring home. except the dean, but he came by himself and only to serve his usual scolding and threats about y/n’s rebellious nature and behaviour at school. her parents hadn’t felt such worry for their daughter as they felt now since the war days. 

what soothed her mother’s worried heart and mind was the presence of the maids and the housekeeper. y/n appreciated their staying around and liked hearing noises made by someone else in the mansion, even if it was only a far-away creak of floorboards or a door closing. but she didn’t need anything from them, ever, she’d been very independent since her early childhood, and maids seemed like such an excess right now, an even backwards concept for y/n. her family employing them, unable to live without them, made her feel like the rich princess everyone deemed her being. 

y/n had felt fine being home alone until the feed from the arena turned strange. darker, blacker, and the audio seemed warped or otherwise manipulated. she’d caught sight of a familiar figure entering the arena – who was that? how did he get inside? who can tell... – and then the feed changed. there was nothing much she could see, but her eyes had been glued to the screen of her television for the past half hour, anyway. all the while she was straining her eyes to try to see who it was, and at some point that figure was joined by another by Sejanus’ tribute Marcus’ bruised and wounded body, and then the feed darkened nearly completely. 

she sat in her sofa in an embryo pose, blanket over her stressed form, covering her back and the bare feet and legs that the knitted bedtime jumper couldn’t. she realized the gamemakers or the Capitol were trying to hide something, nothing else could explain the feed changing and audio going wobbly and earning static in the process. 

the bell ringing at the front door startled her so bad that y/n gasped and jerked in her position on the sofa. her head whipped in its direction and she watched two figures entering her family’s mansion from the far end of the hallway. she could already tell who the two were, but she remained sat on the sofa, her legs unmoving out of anxiety. she shut off the television and just watched them walk towards her through the unlit hallway, arms wrapping around her knees underneath her beloved blanket.

“ms y/l/n, a mister Snow is here, for you,” the housekeeper announced as she and Coriolanus entered the living room, Coriolanus stumbling into the room more than walking into it. he looked like he was falling to pieces. his breath was heavy, hair and academy uniform in disarray, face just... bewildered. y/n nodded at her housekeeper, extended her arms towards Coryo like a child reaching for its favourite toy and sniffled quietly.

“thank you, Nora,” she told the housekeeper, “please leave us. you can go to bed, i won’t need anything else for the night.” she said in a hushed voice and the housekeeper nodded, knowing to listen to the child of her employers. y/n hated giving anyone orders, much less this spectacular lady, but she did want to be alone with Coryo. and by the look of him, she could tell he couldn’t be around anyone else but her. he was a man of privacy, after all.

as soon as Nora shut the door behind her and left for the maids’ quarters, Coryo accepted the plea in y/n’s extended arms and stumbled over to her on the sofa. “i—i’m sorry,” he said the first words out of breath, in a voice so broken and frail that y/n’s lips twitched downwards and she felt the need to cry, “i didn’t know where else to go, i couldn’t... i couldn’t f-face anyone else...” as he sat down before y/n’s bare feet peeking out from the blanket, she noticed in the poor lighting of the room that his clothes were dirty. there were cuts in his shirt, dirt, gravel, sand... blood. 

“what happened?” her voice wouldn’t go any louder than a whisper, and her lips were turning into a pout as she looked Coryo over, her meek hands reaching out for him but unsure whether she should touch him or not. he could fall apart like the frailest glass, it seemed, if anything touched him right now. his face was bruised. there were small cuts on his cheek, blood on his chin. she noticed how they had already been taken care of.

Coryo still took heavy breaths, but finally he felt like his vision was real and not fooling him, and he took in his surroundings. the dim lighting in the posh room, y/n’s bare feet touching his red academy pant leg, her legs pulled up to her chest under a cute throw-blanket in the pastel colour of chocolate milk, her small hands reaching out to him, unsure, unsteady. he lifted his head to look at her, and the expression on her face made his heart lurch in his chest. her glassy eyes – no doubt matching his –, the pout on her lips, her rosy cheeks, eyebrows scrunched in worry and confusion. he could never decline that face. “dr Gaul sent me inside the arena to get Sejanus out,” he finally said, and he spoke in a whisper tone that could only be meant for secrets, “but the tributes heard us... i’m not sure i should even be telling you about this at all,” he admitted.

y/n shook her head. “your secret’s safe with me,” she assured with a gentle nod.

“yes, but dr Gaul—” Coryo began, but she interrupted him in the voice of a faint whisper. 

“i know how terrifying she is,” y/n persisted, “she won’t know that i know.” she said even quieter and looked, really looked, into Coryo’s eyes, and nodded gently again at him. he searched her eyes for a few seconds, weighing the risk of her knowing this, trying to decide if he should tell her more or just cut short here. but really. she’s a loose end and she knows it. it’s not like dr Gaul was in high thoughts of y/n or deemed her more valuable than any other student, and her nature played a big part in that opinion of the young girl. how would she know that y/n found out about this night in the arena? she wouldn’t. it would never come up in conversation. y/n wasn’t part of this.

“the tributes heard us,” Coryo started to say as he sat closer to y/n, his body turned to face her, and almost loomed over her. he’s always been much taller than her, and sometimes that played a part in their dynamic. he took her hands in his above her bent knees and the blanket. he licked his lips and y/n searched his eyes, his... stoic blue eyes. there was a change in them, “they came after us and i...” he shook his head, “i didn’t want to hurt him,” Coryo’s voice broke and his head dropped onto y/n’s covered knees. 

she heard a sob from him, and it shook her entire form, making her gasp quietly. she’d never seen him cry before. the night on the rooftop, in the garden, she knew he was close to it, but she knew he’d never let his pride down so much that he’d let anyone see him cry. and Coryo didn’t feel so good about crying now, about opening himself up to her like this, he felt disgusted with himself. but he also couldn’t stop. and he couldn’t hide everything from her, after all. 

y/n shuffled around until her legs were tucked under herself and she moved closer to Coryo, taking his scarred cheeks between her small hands and lifting his face up so he would see her. she knew she made him nervous usually, but she calculated that that effect flipped around on itself when he was in this state, or one similar to this. breaking apart. feeling vulnerable. beaten down. she looked into his eyes and he back into hers, not really having any other choice. she had this compelling power over him, even if he didn’t want to admit it, and he didn’t want to hide from her. not really.

his breathing slowed down as he just looked into her wondering beautiful orbs, full of so much determination, courage and kindness. she was almost smiling at him, even though she wanted to cry, too, and her eyes were glassy with produced tears, but she wanted to appear strong for him. because right now he really needed a strong anchor to hold onto, he was the one in need of support. y/n took that role mainly in their friendship-relationship, especially at school, when she got herself in trouble, or at home, when her parents were giving her an earful about her irresponsibility and all the jazz they usually gave her an earful about.

last time Coryo and y/n saw each other, she realized he had the ability to ground her. and now she realized she had the ability to ground him, because by looking into his eyes she could see his emotions and mood changing by the second. and all because she’s holding him, and he’s looking into her eyes. he didn’t need much more than that. 

and yet maybe he did. he didn’t know which part of him had the urge, but all of him acted on it by ducking forward and kissing her on the lips. he could taste the sweat she had made on her lips out of stress, and the blueberry tartlet she must have had as a late snack not too long ago. and his hands couldn’t keep away anymore, either, they were taking hold of her face like hers was holding his cheeks between them. y/n would have gasped at his sudden action if she had any air to breathe, and she sighed heavily when he did give her a split second of air after fiery kisses to her delicious lips. 

he kept his eyes on her as he pulled his academy blazer off and threw it to the ground beside the couch, then came back closer to her, one hand on her cheek and the other pulling the adorable blanket off her legs. y/n placed a palm on that hand of his, which made Coryo furrow his eyebrows and look at her with puzzled eyes. didn’t she want this, too? she gulped, eyes averted from his shyly. “i’d rather we talked about it, Coryo,” she admitted and looked back at him carefully, eyes so un-knowing and yet more clever than most people’s. Coryo tilted his head slightly at her words. 

his hands took the bull by its horns, pulling the blanket fully away and welcoming the night air of the mansion upon y/n’s bare legs, making her gasp again. Coryo used the moment of surprise to his advantage and pushed her down on the sofa, sneaking in between her legs like the slippery mastermind he was, and he slid a hand under her knitted jumper, raising goose-bumps in his wake across her stomach and waist. y/n hated that she felt aroused, meaning she felt exactly how he wanted her to, was right where he wanted her, but she couldn’t exactly pull away. she hated being at someone’s mercy, but.... it was Coryo.

she surprised him when he found she wasn’t wearing a bra under her jumper, nothing was standing between his greedy hands and her naked breasts now, though her not wearing a bra at home wasn’t exactly a surprise. it’s just that his inexperienced self was shocked to find a part of her naked, and right there, at his disposal. watching her face, he placed his palm over one of her breasts and ran his thumb over her nipple, which hardened immediately under his touch. and her face, oh, the expression on it was to die for. eyes softly shut, eyebrows gently spasming as she was feeling something very new to her, her teeth biting her lower lip, cheeks turning more red and no doubt burning up. Coryo placed a kiss on her bare stomach, just above the elastic of her underwear, and watched her still as she whimpered for the first time. her thighs fidgeted around him, feet unsurely digging into the soft cushions of her couch—she really didn’t know what to do with herself and these sensations she was experiencing. 

“i’d rather we didn’t,” he said to her finally, though his actions were more than enough of a response to what she said, but she hardly heard him now. there was a gentle static in her ears, and heat all over her writhing form. her pure, supple, untouched form. all for him to touch, to explore. Coryo took his shirt off in a hurry, as if y/n might disappear if he had his hands off her for a second longer, and returned to her half-naked body a hungrier man. hands raking the insides of her thighs, he kissed her again, hot lips making their conversation just moments ago seem like the far past, making her almost forget it happened. y/n could hardly feel her legs, though she knew this was just the beginning, and she wrapped her arms around Coryo’s frame and held onto him as he moved his slender torso against her chest. she could feel the bones of his hips jutting against her own, his growing crotch pressing against her panty-covered soaking cunt, teasing her, making her pant heavily and whimper like a kitten. 

having her like this satiated the hunger that rose from the deep hole he’d created inside himself, gnawing at him like a big black hole with eager, starving claws. every stroke of his hips against hers beat the monster down but dangled the bait in front of it at the same time, leaving him in quite the paradox. this was more than enough, yet Coryo knew he could go further with y/n, further than enough, and that she’d let him. everything in him wanted to, and he couldn’t stop himself. adrenaline was pumping blood from his heart into his veins, she was available and the only one who could help with the hole growing inside him. 

but y/n couldn’t go further without another word spoken. he was avoiding her question, he was avoiding the whole last hour of this night. “Coryo,” she whispered softly as his lips kissed at her neck, tongue sweeping over a particularly bruised-with-kisses spot on her sculpture-like skin, he was an animal let loose. and his affections almost made her forget what she wanted to ask, and she thought maybe she doesn’t really want to know. but y/n sighed, trying to clear her mind, “tell me what happened,” she plead in a quiet voice and it made Coryo raise his head and look into her eyes again. 

he framed the side of her face with only a hand, his thumb on her chin and the rest of his palm splayed across her burning cheek. he loved seeing the look of lust and confusion on her face, in her eyes most of all. the pads of his fingertips softly pushed into her skin. “no,” he remained stubborn, and y/n would have been surprised to have him do otherwise. she gulped softly, hoping he wouldn’t feel it, but no, he felt every motion any part of her made now. his mind came up with a new idea as he slid a hand of his across her stomach, making a wave across her supple body, and then he reached her underwear. he knew, like everyone else did sort of matter-of-factly, that women were to be touched there. he knew it was the spot in her with which he could get her full attention. and he also knew he’d have to fabricate having experience in this field for y/n. he didn’t want her to think him inexperienced, which he was exactly, or least of all that he’s experimenting with her—which was also what he was doing. so he improvised by cupping her warmest place in the body, and he felt an immediate reaction. her thighs fidgeted around his waist again and her stomach lurched. her eyes shut, but he wanted to see them, “open your eyes,” Coryo urged her, and y/n had to force herself to comply, her beautiful eyes looking into his again. they held eye contact as he ran his middle finger in a straight line between her clothed folds, and he watched as her face contorted, caused by the new strange and pleasant feelings. she felt like warm honey on his fingers, “right now all i need is to feel you,” he told her and did the same motion with his finger again, only this time slower, making it pleasurably agonizing for her, coaxing quiet whimpers from her lips, “and this tells me you need it, too.” 

god, she hated that he was right. at first it was want, she wanted him to stay over, to touch her, to feel her, to do things to her that no one else had ever before. now, she felt so desperate for it that she felt she could explode if she didn’t get what seemed to be promised to her. the want grew to need. she wanted to shake her head, wanted to push him off—that would really be characteristic to her. but instead she brought herself to really look into his eyes and nod in response. Coryo’s lips almost made a smile or a grin, almost, she caught the ghost of it in the corner of his lips before he kissed her again. “alright, Coryo,” she whispered against his lips, “but if you don’t touch me properly right now, i willkick you out of my home.” she said surely, admitting to her desperation without shame and in turn – with pride, and now Coryo grinned. her feistiness was one of the things he liked about her, and it coming out in this setting was more than he could have asked for. in a weird way it got him going. 

y/n placed both of her hands on the sides of his face and kept him close to her as he reached his hand into her underwear, breaching into unexplored territory. she was all the warmer for him, and soaking wet. he hummed, their lips nearly touching, but not completely. it was torture for him. he wanted to devour her lips, her whole face, her whole existence. her lips were like the food of life for him, the sounds she made music to his ears and air in his lungs. “you’re just perfect for me,” he confessed to her in a shudder and y/n smiled lightly. his fingers ran through her naked warm folds, just testing the waters, until they found the opening between them, where the wetness and warmth were seeping from. Coryo would have dropped his head onto her shoulder if her hands weren’t holding it up right, but he just felt like he lost his damn mind at how incredible her walls felt around his fingers, and he could collapse right there on top of her. 

“Coryo,” she sang his nickname in a beautiful moan when two fingers prodded inside her, beating any expectations she had about this beforehand. they were long and thick, touching every inch of her, it felt like, and reaching just far enough. she was barely holding onto him, and her body was reacting to his touches immediately. hips moving, back arching, thighs squeezing his body between them, breaths shuddering. 

“no one’s done this to you before, have they?” Coryo asked, but he hardly needed an answer. by the way she was reacting, he could tell that she’d never felt like this before. y/n shaking her head at his question was merely the last dot on the confirmation, yet it still made him more aroused. knowing he was the first one to do this to her, with her. he grazed her upper wall with his finger pads, being careful not to let his nails scrape her, and it brought a moan from her that he’d never heard anyone make. guttural, coming from the very depths of her lungs, her vocal cords, from her very core. it made him shudder. he repeated the motion, slower one time, then faster the next, all the while watching her reaction. he loved seeing her eyes shut, her cheeks become redder, her lips parting, stretching, pushing breaths and whimpers out from between them. Coryo felt one of her hands sliding up into his hair, and he groaned. her hips bucked and she grabbed onto his perfect curls between her fingers when he reached farther inside her with his two fingers, and it made them both moan into each other’s mouths, y/n letting his lips rest over hers. he’d reached that great point inside her, feeling her hot and spongy against his digits. it’s almost like she was sucking him in. “you’re so good for me,” Coryo told her and y/n whimpered at the praise. 

“more, please,” she begged with no shame and Coryo obliged, picking up the pace of his fingers and massaging over her folds with his thumb all the while. when he accidentally grazed over her clit, y/n made a high-pitched moan of the utmost sensitivity, and he knew he’d done the right thing. and by accident, no less. he was on the winning team, “Coryo,” she cried with her eyes shut and he noticed a tear on her cheek, kissing over it immediately. next his lips were on hers again, lapping at her tongue with his own like the starving man he was, knowing nothing of tomorrow or the next hour, just so engulfed in her that he knew nothing else. she was the perfect getaway.

he could feel her body behaving in a different way, thighs trembling around him, walls squeezing his hand in, hands nearly powerless, chest shuddering. she wasn’t far off her release, he guessed. with another press to the sensitive bundle of nerves that made her cry, Coryo once again watched her reaction in amazement. but he didn’t want to feel her release like this, he needed them both different. Coryo pulled his fingers away, once again making y/n cry out, this time in the most desperation she could manage, and she looked up at him with pleading, tearful eyes. he offered her a gentle smile and moved down her body, dragging her underwear with him. down her legs and away, the light pink garment went, and y/n bit her plump lip in anticipation as she watched him. 

Coryo tucked her underwear into the trousers of his academy uniform that he was still wearing and returned to her body, laying kisses across her thighs on his way up to her. y/n squirmed under and around him, mewled, muttering his name in a mewl here and there, relishing in the feeling of his lips on her untouched skin and his hands roaming all over her body, under her jumper, over it, trying to cover every inch of her. she hated that he had stopped touching her right when she was closest to that one sacred edge she wanted so badly to reach, he was teasing her, taunting her, testing her waters. it was clear to her that he had never done this to another girl before. Coryo was just like her, and yet he’d put up a different façade. 

he dug his fingers into the flesh of her naked hips, which made y/n throw her head back into the sofa cushions, baring her delicious-looking neck to Coryo. he used that to his advantage, licking and kissing at the skin of her neck which he had already bruised marked with his lips just moments ago, he was devouring her with a hunger only she could really satiate, and yet he couldn’t get enough of her. his growing crotch pressed against her bare cunt, and y/n gasped at the feeling. eyebrows scrunched, cheeks and lips red and puffy, she looked up at Coryo again, and he returned the gesture. he took one of her hands in his and guided it down to between them, where he was growing harder and in size, it seemed, watching her face all the while and taking notice of her biting down on her lower lip in anticipation. Coryo made her feel him through his trousers, and he couldn’t hide the effect her touch had on him - shuddering throughout his whole body, eyelids fluttering, he was barely able to utter the next words, but he did so in a quiet voice. “feel what you do to me?” 

y/n nodded with lustful eyes, hungry like the wolf for the boy above her. her boldness came back and with it y/n unzipped Coryo’s custom-made trousers and reached into his boxers to really feel him. he had girth and he was solid, she could feel that all with her hand on him. she was making him a panting mess, giving his length a sure stroke, Coryo’s head falling into the crook of her neck and him moaning, though she knew the piece of his pride that died for him to do that. he hardly let anyone see his inner world, his true feelings, so for him to be this vulnerable with her took a great deal of courage. “do i make you... feel like this often?” y/n asked quietly, and Coryo nodded with a whimper as her finger flicked over his tip, pink and sensitive. y/n wrapped her fingers around his shaft and stroked up and down, slowly, looking at his face all the while, wishing she could see his beautiful eyes now, see the emotions swimming around in the blue of them.

Coryo fisted the pillow right beside her, heavy breaths leaving his parted lips, “yes, yes, yes, god, yes,” he chanted in her ear as the pace of her strokes grew faster, and y/n could feel each breaths in his lungs against her own, his chest rising and hitting against her so intensely. she’d made him crumble beneath her so quickly, it surprised her, “i need you, y/n, i need to feel you,” Coryo confessed and managed the strength to raise his head and look at her again. he was too afraid to utter the phrase i need to be inside you, feeling just too shy all of a sudden to say that. the look on his face was pure desperation, he looked like he could start crying the next moment, and y/n’s heart lurched in her chest at seeing that. seeing and recognising that she could make him as desperate as he’d made her. that she could make him small, “no one’s ever made me feel like this before,” he confessed more, breaking his own façade down, and y/n smiled at him sheepishly. she knew, of course, that what he said was true. she knew everything about him.

“you have me,” she assured him and brought him out of the confine of his boxers, making Coryo breathe in relief. he had felt so restricted in his own clothes, “but god, Coryo, will you fit? you feel too big in my hand,” y/n said shyly and bit down on her lip again, a habit that Coryo had noticed her having for quite a while now, and he looked down between them two. y/n knew her comment went straight to his growing ego, but she just couldn’t resist teasing him a little. and when he caught onto it, he looked at her again, with a smile on his lips this time. she grinned wide and giggled before she took his face in her hands and kissed his lips, as if it was her first time doing so. simple, loving, affectionate. 

suddenly she fully took in the look of his naked torso, his amazingly sculpted shoulders and arms, his pearly chest... the sight of him was so breath-taking and delicious that she nearly forgot all her other surroundings. Coryo, though the look her eyes were giving him flattered him so, took the bull by its horns again and pushed the very tip of his hard length through her folds, where her warm opening welcomed him. y/n felt a strain while Coryo felt the beginning of a true release, but he noticed her awkward expression, felt her hold on his face falter, and he paused his movements to just check in. 

“alright?” he asked quietly, as he couldn’t tell what to do next by her face, “too big for you?” he teased and it made them both smile, then erupt into mad giggles in unison. y/n would never have expected Coryo to have humour in a moment like this, but she was relieved that he did, and god did it make the whole thing easier. she wasn’t worried, wasn’t anxious anymore, wasn’t feeling insecure about any aspect of herself anymore. except the thing she’d heard that happened to most women on their first time – the bleeding, the pain, his reaction to it. those were the few things she wanted to avoid happening. but if Coryo was his sweetheart-self, then she had no bad reaction to worry about. she was glad he was the person she was doing it for the first time with, she’d really lucked out.

“just a little,” she finally answered after their giggle fit while holding each other in their arms, “try going deeper,” she urged in a hushed voice, and Coryo complied, adjusting his hips forward, slowly, not to accidentally hurt her more. he couldn’t deny how incredible this felt, how incredible she felt around him, her walls sucking him right in so tightly, “ohmygodohmygod,” y/n pushed the words out in a quick breath, feeling a burn and stretch inside of her at the size of him. she didn’t have anyone to compare Coryo to, and no one else had been inside her before, but he felt big enough. 

Coryo appreciated her arm on his back, her nails digging half-moons into his pearly skin, and her other hand splayed across his cheek, thumb almost digging a hole in his cheek. “you feel so perfect around me,” Coryo praised against her parted lips, and y/n could only look at him with strain and tears in her eyes as he inched himself further and further inside, her face changing by every inch, it seemed, until he had bottomed out with a groan and she’d only felt a momentary sting of pain. and the worst part was over—what a miracle it was that it had been so quick for her, she’d expected otherwise. Coryo could see the immediate relaxation on her features, and he smiled. 

he kissed away her fallen tears, but more kept falling from her eyes and y/n could only explain them as being happy tears, though she scolded herself for being so emotional in a meaningful moment like this. but maybe it was just right. Coryo smiled at her and she could see his orbs being glossy, too, and she was glad. it was no wonder, really, taking how shaken he was when he came into her home and sat down on her couch beside her. he was still in turmoil, but that didn’t matter now. he had her. 

“can i try... moving? you feel alright?” he asked her in a whisper. this slow thrust inside her had already felt like heaven, he couldn’t wait to repeat it over and over and over. 

y/n nodded, “yeah, go ahead,” she said and Coryo complied. she took in the feeling of him pulling out gently, slowly... teasingly. he was grinning, she saw, and she shook her head in disbelief as a beautiful smile adorned her features. and then he thrust inside her again, stuffing her walls with his great length, making her back arch and moans that she’s never made before escape her lips. he could hardly concentrate, but he didn’t want to miss all the different facial expressions she would make, the look in her eyes, while he made love to her now. he made himself keep his eyes open as he began to move rhythmically now. 

y/n’s legs wrapped around his waist, engulfing him in her more and more, and each of his thrusts earned him a squeak from her from the movements. god, he just adored her beyond measure. she was everything he needed now, and later, and forever. Coryo kissed her neck, licked at it, as he had before, and it only made her moan more, each moan in its own unique high or low pitch, and dig her fingers into whichever part of his skin she was holding. Coryo adored her touches, they turned him on, and he wanted her hands on him always, they were a lifeline. his hands gripped her waist, her sweater bunched just above them, only covering her arms and her breasts, though barely even those from how much Coryo was moving her.

“you're doing so good for me,” he breathed into her ear, and the praise only spurred her on. she clenched around him, and it made Coryo break his focus completely, his head dropping onto y/n’s chest, where he breathed hot air onto her skin, “i’m sorry, i think i’m close,” he confessed, and y/n raised his face with her hands, looking at him with puzzlement across her face. 

“me too, it’s okay,” she assured him and then took one of his hands in hers and lead it down to where their bodies met. she laid his palm over the bulge that had formed in her lower stomach from him. the sight and feel of it made Coryo groan, getting him all the more closer to his release. 

“fuck, that’s amazing,” he said into her neck, and y/n nodded.

“you’re so big, Coryo,” she complimented him again and felt his dick twitch inside her at the words, “made a bump in me,” she put it into words and it made the boy nearly lose his mind. then she guided his hand just a little lower and pressed his hand onto her clit, where he recalled was her most vulnerable point, “come on, touch me. we’ll do it together,” she urged him on in the sweetest of angel voices and Coryo didn’t need to think twice before complying. he loved her ordering him around a little, it was much needed tonight especially. 

he pressed his thumb against her clit as his hips had nearly reached their fastest pace, and watched as her face twisted in pleasure. eyes shutting, lips spasming, closing, opening, teeth biting, voice singing out to him. “oh, Coryo,” she called his name and he felt it go straight to his heart. there wasn’t much more that he needed in order to come now, and he prided in himself for lasting so long at all, all the while feeling a little ashamed about it. he wanted this to last longer. but since he could tell she was coming, too, his thumb drawing harsh circles on her clit to bring it on, he revelled in them both finishing at once. 

“fuuuck, y/n, i love you,” he whimpered into her ear as he spilled himself inside her tightly-squeezing walls while y/n all but chanted his nickname like a mantra. her hands almost drew blood on his back from how tightly she held onto him, and she shuddered around him at the feeling of her own release coating his entire length. her thighs trembled and she panted heavy breaths against his neck. she’d almost missed his quiet confession, she’d actually heard it amidst their joined euphoria, but she had thought it a hallucination. 

but that assumption dissipated as she came to and looked up at Coryo, whose eyes were worriedly, with tears streaming from them, looking down at her. she quickly moved her hands to his cheeks and tried to sit up in their awkward position. best she could do was position herself higher on her pillow against the sofa’s armrest, and she gulped. “you love me?” she echoed in the smallest of voices, searching his eyes. they were worried, fearful. what if he’d said the wrong thing? what if she felt different about him, different than what he felt about her? what if he’d said it too soon? what if he’d just ruined all this with her? 

but he did love her. he was sure of it. so he nodded, his curls bouncing with the confirming movement. y/n ran her hand over them and smiled wide at him. 

“you love me,” she said again, surely this time, in a happy tone of voice. as if she’d discovered the best, most well-wishing secret in the whole world. and perhaps that’s what it was. her favourite secret about Coryo was that she knew he loved her, “i love you, too,” y/n told him before he could assume otherwise, and kissed his trembling lips. Coryo felt on top of the world. he had said the right thing, he’d played his cards right, he’d told her how he felt. of course, his actions spoke volumes, but hearing him say it in words meant the world to y/n. 

“thank god, you had me worried there for a bit,��� Coryo half-joked between their kisses, and it made her laugh. she pulled back from his lips and admired the boy above her. forehead glistening from sweat in the dim lighting, curls messily falling over his beautiful face, his pearly chest rising and falling with each heavy breath he took. 

“who would i be without a little suspense, huh?” she asked and smiled at him again. she could see complete love and devotion in his eyes, two things she’d seen on his face only partly or half-meant before, and only towards herself. Coryo used the moment of silence to pull out of her and stuff himself back into his trousers. sitting against the sofa cushions to do it, he glanced at her cunt and saw it leaking with his white substance. y/n looked at him with sultry eyes and her teeth biting her lower lip, arms crossed over her chest, and she spread her legs just a little further to tease him with a wider look, “like what you see?” she asked quietly.

he just gave her eyes of total surrender, he was waving the white flag for giving up and he took a deep breath. y/n giggled as Coryo shook his head in disbelief and lowered his face down to her center, once again giving her anticipation. “you look so pretty,” he complimented and ran a finger through her folds, making her shudder as more of the snow-white liquid pooled out and coated her cunt, “pretty with me dripping out of you,” Coryo sneaked a glance up at her and saw the clear-as-day lust in her eyes. feeling that animalistic urge take over him again, he brought out his tongue and lapped up each drop coming out of her. y/n felt sensitive, sore, and Coryo was giving her a mix of both pleasure and pain as he drank at her. she had him right where she wanted him. the question was – would he stay there? 

his tongue prodded at her entrance just a tad, heightening her sensitivity, and he moaned against her folds at her shudder under him, giving her folds a kiss over once he was done. he wanted to leave most of his spill inside her, only having lapped up and gulped down what was excess. sitting up before her, between her legs, Coryo licked his lips and leaned over her form. y/n pulled him in for a kiss, and could taste something salty and something sweet all at once on his lips and tongue. it was both of them. 

“will you please stay?” y/n asked her in her small voice again, looking into Coryo’s eyes. she hoped to not find any resistance or decline, and her hopes were fulfilled. “please,” she plead more as he teased her with his silence. he nodded, and it made her smile wider than ever. he would stay over, like he promised her he would someday. it meant he didn't view her only as a secret anymore. maybe they could even go to Heavensbee hall tomorrow together, maybe hand in hand... “why did you say sorry? about being close?” she reminded him of the few moments before their euphorias. Coryo bent his head low for a moment. 

“just felt embarrassed,” he answered, “about not lasting long. i just... i just wanted this to last longer for you,” he told her and managed to look at her again. y/n made a comforting face and stroked the side of his face. she understood. 

“yeah, but it’s okay,” she assured him, “there will be other times,” she pointed out and laid a kiss to his cheek, “it was your first time, so please don’t worry your beautiful head over it.” Coryo managed a ghost of a smile just for y/n to kiss him and make his smile more life-like. “you did good, Coryo.” those words of praise went straight to his dick again, and he blushed. she had made him blush. y/n giggled. 

“you did great, too,” Coryo told her and kissed her hair, “thank you. i never would have wanted to do this with anyone else but you,” he confessed as they held tight eye contact. y/n’s heart surged at his words. 

“me too. i’m glad it was you,” she said and it made Coryo smile with shut lips, “now, can i get my underwear back?” she’d made a joke again, and Coryo felt like playing along further. 

“no, i’m keeping it,” he said in a hushed voice, shaking his head and y/n made a playful pout. she’d want to make him think he could keep it and that she’d steal it back later, but she couldn’t. Coryo having her underwear in the pocket of his academy trousers made her feel somehow proud. a piece of her with him wherever he goes. and if he went home and stashed them somewhere in his wardrobe cabinet, that would be fine, too. she loved knowing her underwear was a token for him. 

she only said, “alright,” and took his hand in hers, “let’s go shower and then to bed. you’ve exhausted me.” she admitted and Coryo took it as a compliment. he wanted this treacherous-turned-great day to end, too, and she was the cherry on top of it all. he wouldn’t have gone home tonight for anything. 

permanent tag-list: @gabiatthedisco​​​​​​ @v0idbella​​​​​​ @works-of-fanfiction​​​​​​ @ur-gunna-h8-ths​​​​​​ @betweenloveandfire​ @but-legendsneverdie​​​​​​ @deardeacy​​​​​​ @thewinchesterchronicles​ @mavieesttriste16​​​​​​ @intrrverted​​​​​​ @the-freak-cassie-131​​​​​​​​​​​​​ ​​​ @xoxobabydolls​ @corallyink​ @rottenstyx​ @allcheesemelts @dangelnleif

let me know if you want to be tagged in the future !!!

[yonpote]

as someone who wasnt here at the time (was a fan from about 2011-2013) what exactly defines the "softlaunch era" pre-coming out that i hear you and others refer to?

you've come to the right place cuz this is the era when i truly became a Phannie... "gay softlaunch" is generally considered 2017-18, but to be more specific it was october 31, 2016-june 13, 2019!

before they came out this was also referred to as "post-baking universe" referencing the halloween 2016 monster pops video that had an (at the time) abnormal amount of raunchy humor and just general derangedness. nothing like it is today, but that point felt very significant and dan even brought it up in liveshows like yeah idk what happened there and when phil called a peach an ass in a gaming video dan said "we live in a post-baking universe" (i believe fans coined the term tho).

people have also called it the "glass closet era" which is a divisive name for a lot of people cuz "glass closet" can be seen as kind of a mean term and it implies like, stereotyping or speculating or the "we been knew" behavior dan had talked about in BIG. which i understand that feeling, but i don't think that's what was happening, because the way i see it was queer flagging. ways they could show a little bit who they really were without saying it just yet. they weren't Out out, but they were just like. openly talking about attraction to men and finding men hot and not calling it a Man Crush or anything. dan would bring up queerness more often in liveshows, which hes mentioned queer artists and stuff before but now it was also making jokes about like.. being in a gas leak man porn fantasy in his first livestream of 2017 LMAO. phil would make a lot more innuendos, which hes always done, but now he wasnt pretending like he didnt know what he was saying. dan started wearing a single hoop earring on his right ear. this is an old school form of queer flagging, in The Olden Days (im too lazy to look up when but like my 70-something year old history teacher knew about this) if a man had an earring on his left ear, he's straight, and if he had one on his right, he's gay. that one's pretty subtle if you don't know much about queer history and there were Great Debates over whether or not we should take it to mean he is gay, but personally i saw it as like. he was letting us know without needing to say the G word out loud just yet!

i think a really important part of this era was even outside of directly discussing queerness, they were both trying to become more authentic online and figuring out how to do that without compromising their own privacy. dan stopped straightening his hair and rebranded and opened up about his mental health. phil's authenticity journey seemed a bit slower and wasn't as overt or seemingly drastic as dan's was, but it was happening! he changed up his hair!!! which yes its kinda silly to talk abt dnp's hair but the emo fringe was Their Brand. phil in particular said that, the emo fringe was a comfort place but he was feeling like he was trapped in having it forever because it was Who He Was, so it was a huge deal for him! he opened up a little bit about his physical health, both of them were a bit more honest about all the stress and anxiety they were dealing with (the mukbang is a pretty good video where they talk about that and an interesting one to watch in retrospect) and their whole 2018 tour was themed around whether they should Give The People What They Want or do what they wanted to do.

god i talk too much ANYWAY then dan disappeared in 2019 and phil was manning the helm for a good five and a half months and then the Big Gay hit! the Hard Launch Era if you will :) and now i would say 2023-present is the Unhinged Era so i have no clue what the hell their next move is gonna be...

[musicalmoritz]

hi hi mutual :D

I’m not a huge aoinene shopper (although I do ship it) but! I wanted to ask for your Aoinene hc’s since I have labeled you as the Aoinene expert in my head and I saw you reblog that post we reblogged about the ship hc’s and such!!

convince me into the aoinene lore…. /hj -Bunny

Hiiiiiii mutual!! First of all I’ve said this before but I love being known as the Aoinene Expert™️, so happy that’s my reputation lol

Headcanons are my specialty so I’m glad you asked this!! I will gladly convince you into the Aoinene lore/hj. They’ve been rotting away my brain all day so I’m gonna take this opportunity to ramble abt them and explain how I see the ship

• So as far as canon goes I wouldn’t change either of the canon pairings for them, shipping for me sort of exists in a multiversal vacuum where I can imagine alternatives for who the characters end up with and how they end up with those ppl via fan content

• I do, however, love the idea of them having mutual crushes on each other in canon. I think Nene plays hers off as just admiring Aoi but deep down she feels the same way abt her that she does Teru and Fuji (or maybe a little bit more serious since they’re best friends). And while I think Akane is Aoi’s ultimate soulmate in canon I can see her having feelings for Nene as well, though I think they’d start to fade once Nene began to pull away from her

• As for fanon tho…

• In my head there’s an alternate universe where these two end up together after everything. This usually involves lesbian Aoi bcuz I do adore that headcanon in anything that’s not the actual manga. I like to think they both developed mutual crushes on each other in middle school and Aoi was very internally angsty and aware of her’s whereas Nene was very repressed abt her feelings for girls in general

• They totally have sleepovers every week, on Fridays specifically. They do typical things like watching movies and painting each other’s nails but they’re teenage girls so they’d also probably try to summon demons. And since this is tbhk they’d probably succeed a few times (now I need an au where Nene summons Bloody Mary instead of Hanako)

• Since it’s Aoinene ofc there’s gotta be a moment when Aoi finally opens up to Nene about everything, but I don’t think that would come without difficulty. Lots of avoiding each other and being super distant bcuz neither of them want to be the first to bring it up, then maybe a dramatic fight or two before they come back together on calmer terms and have a long conversation at one of their sleepovers about everything. Whether platonic or romantic that's usually how I envision their resolution

• I think it would also have to come after Aoi's taken some time to work through her mental health problems, she's made progress but she still has a long way to go and that stuff isn't easy to talk about, especially when she knows Nene's view of her will change

• I don't think Nene ever intends to hurt Aoi though, she's more-so negligent and a bit self-centered. And she seems to know something is off with Aoi never talking abt herself but she can't take that further step into understanding WHY she acts the way that she does

• To be honest I see Nene as stressing a lot when she realizes something's going on because she doesn't want to lose their friendship, and I do think she would embrace the real Aoi with open arms if she ever were to meet her

• Then I think they'd have some struggles of adjusting to their new dynamic and figuring out how they work with Aoi being herself + Aoi would instinctively try to pull away a bit, but I think they'd find a way to make it work

• They would constantly be going on dates, wanting to try new places together. They've probably tried every cafe in their town, I could also see them being the type of couple to have each other's orders memorized

• A lot of fics tend to pull them away from their canon love interests in one way or another but not me, Hanako and Akane automatically become wingmen. Those girls are a mess and they need all the advice they can get, even if their makeshift relationship counsellors are far from qualified

• They match their outfits whenever they go out, and they're also 100% the type to do matching Halloween costumes

• Nene has a houseplant in her room that's a gift from Aoi

• Nene calls Aoi every time she has to run errands but doesn't want to do it alone. They end up at the pet store a lot

• Their moms are both convinced they're secretly dating and place bets on when they'll announce it

• They both get easily flustered around each other when they first start dating but in different ways; Nene is a very loud and dramatic type of flustered, very shoujo protagonist core. And Aoi is more the quiet, tsundere genre of flustered

• In the future I picture Nene as a successful writer and Aoi as a flower shop owner and they have a house by the beach. And a hamster, of course

• I also choose to believe they were girlfriends in the Ghost Hotel au before Aoi passed, then they got reunited when Nene arrived at the hotel

• Nene cries very easily and Aoi is a good fake-crier

• Aoi is a little spoon, pass it on

That's all I can think of rn, tysm for your ask! I am going to continue brainrotting over Aoinene for the foreseeable future lmao

[dandyshucks]

realizing i wanted to ask - how did u first fall in love w/ guzma (irl) ? :o (@dmclr)

ougghh (/happy) Clara you always ask such good questions omg 🫶

umm... okay so. i should give a general "abuse CW" label i guess fjfkdl but I'll keep it vague and to a minimum of mention! also putting it below the cut because I RAMBLED SO MUCH, SORRY IN ADVANCE

tumblr kind of went crazy for the guy when the anime finally introduced him in 2019 (it took SO long to get to him, over 100 episodes in the su/mo arc 😭) and at first i didnt think much of him rly, but then somehow eventually (a few months later) i found out through osmosis that he's got trauma going on and my ears kind of perked up a bit LOL

(underwater just to set it apart from the rest of the post so it doesnt blend in and get confusing fndkdl) screenshot of the post i rbed where i first mentioned liking him fdsjkl

around the same time, i was having some realizations about my own experiences with childhood and family etc, and there was some other stuff going on in my life (also. the plague started so uh. that too.) that was just kind of culminating in like. A Lot of stress and fear and stuff. so seeing this character who has experienced somewhat similar things was ... comforting in a way? shared experience or something, idk. plus I've always been a sucker for misfit archetype characters, especially if they make a little family out of other misfits :')

another big part of the intrigue (because my crushes always start with a sort of 👀 phase fdsjkl, I have to think somebody is interesting in some way and want to find out More about them, and then feelings develop from there) for me was just the fact that he was Angry. like... the way I've personally learned to deal w abuse has been to always be meek and fawn. so seeing someone who went in the opposite direction, to become angry and strong and defiant instead, was SO fascinating to me and I was very curious to learn more about him.

so I looked into him more, loved what i found, related to him a bit, accidentally by some random occurrence stumbled upon some bf audios of him somehow??, wished he were real so we could hang out, thought about how I'd act around him and started to feel a little flustered about it ... it's all downhill from there once u reach that point smh 😔😔 (/silly)

for a long time i didn't really fully step into s.elfship territory w him - i dabbled a little but he wasnt The Focus™ in my brain yet. also we (as a system) have had a host change since then, so there was a previous juno that was not Me (even though we kept the same main name between us two parts), and they didn't like the guy as much as Current Me does djfkdl - theres also some ... relatively significant personality differences between the two versions of Juno, so I think Juno2.0 (me) meshes with him a lot better now than Juno1.0 did in 2020/2021

and then last year, i found and joined the s.elfship community and um. I absolutely did not mean for him to become The Main Guy and never would've guessed he would be, but... well,, we dont always plan things i suppose, feelings just happen 😭

anyways. it maybe seems kind of messed up but his ~tragic backstory~ is what drew me in initially bc it helped me feel less alone and scared when i was Going Through some pretty major shit lol. and then after that, i just kind of took the character base that pkmn had in place and ran with it to build on it and sort of make my own version of him that I could be friends with and eventually fell in love with ^^;;

TL;DR it was a mix of timing, similar history of abuse, intrigue bc of our opposite reactions to the abuse, and um... the way he is like,, strong and builds a safe place for other young ppl who feel unsafe or not accepted in general society fdsjkl

i get embarrassed talking abt it bc ppl seem to really hate it when abuse victims are weak in any way and need help, but ... i do really like that he is strong in some ways and would be able to give me a sort of safe place to let my guard down and receive help and care (as shown by the way he provides a safe place for the grunts, all the misfits and outcasts of Alola) ^^;;;; honestly kind of a Big part of it for me (and for pretty much all my s.elfship dynamics) is that he is able to protect me and care for me, because I have not like. experienced that ever. at least not properly. when your parents are the ones being abusive, you not only do not experience protection and care but you're also being actively hurt in some way by the people who are supposed to keep you safe. so to be freely given care and safety is kind of crazyyyy to me LOL, that is something i like a lot about him :')

OKAY RAMBLE OVER. i really tried to keep this as short as i could but,, brevity is not a strength of mine (esp when it comes to him) LOL. THANK YOU for the question !!! its fun to look back at how it all happened tbh :]

[totallynoteggos]

lol hey this is just a vent post abt my life rn I don’t really expect any on u to read this

Tw if you do read this: talk of Anxiety, ppl not understanding neurological limitations, talk of vauge self exit and SH (its very minor) overall vent post shit

Sorry u have to see me in such a shifty mental state but I need to get this off my chest before I resort to violence

Once again, not KND stuff this is a Vent Post

I’m not neurotypical by any means I'm on some spectrum but all we know so far is that I have OCD and Anxiety. Also I'm going into the 9th grade which that In of itself is a stressful situation but in the last four years I've never stayed in the same school so seeing the same people is hella new to me. I have this really bad habit of going no contact with people after the school year is over because I usually never see them again. My mom can't seem to understand that there are simply things I can't do because of the anxiety & OCD (and I'm not using this as a reason to act out or defy her) abt 2 weeks ago we went to get food, now usually I order my food to make sure I get what I like and not have a mixup. And pls notice this was after a week long “vacation” that ended up being stressful and draining. But anyways there was a mixup and I ended up with a burger with all toppings instead of plain, which caused me to panic because I was hungry and stressed before already. And instead of trying to accommodate she stood firm in her beliefs that I need to get over it and just eat the damn burger. And I heavily insisted on not eating it and eating the fries instead. After a argument (and at the instance of my grandma) she bought me another burger and while in line I told her outright that there are some things that I physically can't do or else they send me into a panic. She that said that she “gets that” but I don't have to act out In front of my grandma which she idolized. And now like I said with the whole start of school she's saying “it wont be your best years if you don't let it be your best years” but I don't think she understands that I don't know how to do that. I've moved around a lot and I've been made fun of a lot due to my interests, hobbies and simply just to be the clown. Most of the people I befriend end up getting annoyed or just keep me around until I say something that doesn't make me the dumb and “quirky” one. And like I said I suck at keeping contact and now everyone still has their old friend groups and mine just see me as a joke or weirdo now. Its stressing me out so much and its only been two days, hell yesterday I would have thrown up from the stress but because I was so stressed I didn't eat shit so I didn't throw up. School stresses me out so much it's unimaginable, its the people, the sounds, the halls, the fact that people won't leave you alone, someone always talking or screaming, just please shut the fuck up so I can learn and be out of here. And god its so fucking hard not feeling what everyone else around you feels. My moms getting upset at me for not wanting to go on the busses when I have gone on one and it left 20 fucking minutes from my house cus the lady was screaming and I got scared as was about to cry. And now she wants me to try again with kids I don't fucking know who some how don't know personal space or manners. And back to the emotions things, why the fuck don't I feel the same as them, god I feel so fucking robotic compared to my mother and everybody else but they also make me feel like a god damned mutt. On one hand they think it's weird that I don't want to talk or to Interact but somehow don't realize that it's their fault I don't want to, and on the other hand whenever I'm upset or angry and actually show it its MY fault. Because apparently since I'm the youngest of my family im supposed to have the personality of pinkie pie and I have no problems. And because I'm quiet, friendly or just shy and I'm supposed to control my emotions because I'm a “young lady”. I've tried talking to my mom about home school because my school has that as a option but she says that I can't hide when she's been doing that too. Sometimes I feel like she cares more for the happiness of those she wants to impress rather than that of her family. But god if all of life feels like this then count me out cus its too much to be alive right now. I think ima take a shot or three of night quill and hopefully sleep until ITs to late to go to school

Goodnight

[keplercryptids]

i often refer my friends to your blog when they need help with alt text and have some questions abt it so i figured youre someone good to ask about it :")

when i look up resources on google it always tells me to keep its as breif as possible and a couple sentences max and when i look on tumblr everyone seems to guide people into writing way more wordy alt text and im just kinda confused on what to do 🫠 i often feel like my descriptions on my art are too long and would be annoying to listen to with a screen reader

something else thats been bugging me to hell and back too and ties into the what articles say vs what tumblr says is how to write alt text for images with a lot of information, if i were to post like a doodle sheet or anything else with several different drawings in one image should i describe every single one of them or just write something like "several doodles of character doing different things"?

i understand alt text and image description are two different concepts, guides on google guide me more towards alt text and guides on tumblr guide me towards image descriptions i feel like i should find a balance but i dont know where that balance would be TT

hi!

alt text and image descriptions are not necessarily distinct things: alt text = image descriptions that show up in the alt text of an image, to be automatically read aloud by screen readers. alt text is often brief, but i think the way a lot of articles talk about alt text is to appeal to a certain audience - businesses and web developers, etc - and so the stress on brevity makes sense. you don't want to bog people down in a lot of detail if you're trying to sell them stuff, etc.

IMO, describing art is different. i don't think blind and low vision folks should be universally excluded from detailed descriptions of art. that's kind of a massive bummer to think about, actually.

and that's not to say that image descriptions shouldn't be brief. it depends. i always hesitate to give hard and fast rules for descriptions, because 1. blind and low vision folks have individual preferences just like everybody else, and 2. CONTEXT is the most important thing when it comes to image descriptions. rules on what should always be included in a description sometimes fall flat because the context is what matters most.

you should strive for a certain amount of brevity while making sure you include the proper context. by that i mean, for example, sometimes the colors in a piece are there to invoke a certain mood, and so you can sum up the mood of a piece (cheerful, cold, dark, dreamy etc) without listing every color. sometimes the poses of a doodle sheet are relevant, contextually, to whatever the image/post is about, and sometimes they're not.

image descriptions are a judgment call, and there isn't (and can't be!) one universally "correct" way to write them. just do your best and focus on what is contextually important, without getting bogged down in excess irrelevant detail, and you'll probably be in a good spot.

[gyarucoded]

gimme a sec i need to talk about this !!

so i saw a long ass reblog under an anti-sylki blog that started off as something like "actually loki & sylvie has good romance chemistry meanwhile loki & mobius doesn't have any romance chemistry at all"🤓– and in this moment i went "alright best frien i'm not reading all that" then went to block instead of arguing.

didn't try reading that bullshit of a post further either just to anger myself, i know better.

i especially didn't wanna argue cuz i think that was a child..??? (assuming from the miracoulus ladybug theme cuz no adult in their right mind enjoys that trash) but if i'm wrong that just makes it worse tbh, like grown ass ppl who srsly think toxic relationships should be the example of peak romance needs their brain to be studied fr.

i usually try to be respectful for others' opinion but i genuinely can't see where this opinion comes from.

makes no goddam sense to me.

maybe it's cuz i can't view things through a heterosexual lens, maybe not.

who knows?

but...(i won't make this abt lokius but focusing more on the "loki & sylvie" part) this made me wonder like...

what do sylkie shippers even post about?

no i won't check it out myself to spare myself from the headache but do they go "omg today episode's syIkie crumbs was so lovely dovely 🥺" and the crumbs in question is them disagreeing on almost everything and sylvie wanting to avoid loki as much as she can & constantly seeming to be angry at him.

sure, in s1 they did have a couple of cutesy romantic moments like being under blankets despite of them being supposedly immune to cold or the literal kiss but, it truly doesn't take a huge analyzation to realize that this "relationship" became one sided, even in that one little moment when they had to hold hands, sylvie immidiately goes "don't overthink it" like omgggsfg💀😭 and it's also clear that loki eventually got the hint, in ep3 he doesn't try to be with her anymore or gets emotional with her, he silently gave up.

not to mention loki avoiding to mention the kiss, when appearantly the two has nothing to hide? 😕

i don't know where this is gonna be heading off but if they randomly switch up after all this character & dynamic development then i have no hope for marvel's writing team cuz that would basically create a plot hole.

like aside from the psuedo-incest, that used to bother me in season 1 era but now i am concerned more about how this "ship" overall has no appeal, yet some of these ppl genuinely thinks it can work healthily between them and that ppl who are against it are just "petty that their gay ship isn't canon" when there's MORE to this.

in season 2 there's absolutely *nothing* happening with them that would make us, the audience, root for them to be together as a couple like i'm sry.

so yeah you can say i'm doing too much and too crazy over a fictional tv show (yes i know that babes i have full self awareness) but i literally cannot stress enough about how unhealthy it is to think that this is how a good romantic chemistry works.

based on a syIkie shipper's views: we could technically say that me + that one co-worker of mine who we always have disagreements on political stuff with & dislikes me for no reason is my "lover"... since we wanna pretend this is how love works 😀😀 no?

[cl0wntwn]

I HAVE BEEN INSPIRED TO TALK ABOUT MY CATHAL INTERP

ok hi wow i'm posting something that isn't what i usually do but i want to share because. idk i'm autistic abt cathal and my personal interp could be taken as a mischaracterization(?) of the character so i want to ramble. it's a mix of projections, my interpretations of things cathal says/does, and headcanons. this is just gonna be a glorified bulletpoint list with little to no organization im so sorry. this obviously be inspired by this post cause i love it so much i'm rotating it in my mind please go check it out. this whole ramble was supposed to go into the tags of that post but i think i can organize it better in a text post. i can also share it easier. but please go read that post if u haven't :D

first things first, cathal is depressed.

ain't that a shocker? he's been depressed for a while, but it never really got to "i don't want to do anything ever" until he was hired at C.O.G.S. inc., and even then it's not really the main reason. it does make it hard for him to do things that he's asked of. he's not incapable of doing things though, unless he's like. super unmotivated or sad.

cathal is a papa's boy.

he loves his dad. ever since he was a kid, he's loved his dad. he appreciates the patience he has with him, he appreciates that his dad is willing to take hit for him not doing his work, his dad is first and foremost in his mind. his dad comes before his own wellbeing. which goes into my next point well...

seeing his dad being destroyed every day hurts cathal bad.

it is the main reason he hates working at C.O.G.S. inc.. yeah, the work sucks, it leaves him drained most of the time (which i will hit later), but the fact that he has to watch his own father basically fall to his death every day makes it all so much worse. not to mention he has a clear view of it from his office.

how does cathal cope with this stuff?

by distracting himself. and not doing his work at all. the work he has to do already drains him and what little energy his depression gives him, but i don't think seeing your dad dying every day helps with motivation. he distracts himself by watching tv and ignoring what he needs to do.

this is not to say that he is unaware of the work he has to do, he knows all the work he puts off piles up on him. but piles of work doesn't seem like the most easy thing to do... so he just keeps putting it off and putting it off, and his dad lets him get away with it by making excuses for him. it stresses him out, which makes him not want to do it more, and the cycle continues...

also believe it or not, cathal actually thinks about the future and is very stressed about it.

he knows that when his dad either retires or... can't work anymore, cathal's going to be the new department lead. and because he has literally no experience working where he is now. he's scared he's gonna get thrown into work he doesn't know how to do or doesn't want to do.

so why did cathal apply at C.O.G.S. inc. in the first place?

short answer, he wanted to make his dad proud and didn't process the gravity of applying to C.O.G.S. inc.. he didn't think it would take so much effort and energy to work a full time job. but now that he's been in it for a while, he's afraid to quit. he doesn't want to upset his dad or make the lack of work he's done worse by throwing it on others.

aaaand that's all i can think of. if i can think of anything else i'll edit this post and reblog it or smth. thank u for reading <3

[thewickerking]

sorry for the essay in your asks I’m just studying child development/psych and I Have Thoughts

nonono ur so fine! i enjoy conversing abt it :] im a psych major so were in similar boats! i keep being disappointed in my fellow students ways of talking about children, especially in childhood development focused classes, and there was a particular instance i will never forget of describing a a case study of a young child who was being violent to others, and the first and only question another student asked being "is this disorder often found in serial killers? cause this sounds like what ive heard abt serial killers" and my jaw fucking dropped. I was wearing a mask so no one really noticed but MY first reaction to the case study was "hey a lot of these behaviors were present in MY BROTHER and while he's doing a lot better i wonder if there's anything i can learn from this study that might help him" and we didn't get even close to that. i didn't need psych classes to be appalled at the way adults think of and treat children, but it was certainly not fun. these things are also deeply personal to me because of my own violent behavior as a child due to an amount of trauma that would easily quadruple the length of this post. luckily for me, my mother had similar experiences and reactions to them, and was able to meet me where I was at and found outlets for energy and stress even before she knew about all of the things that were happening to me. getting into martial arts (and later therapy) was not a cure all but was incredibly effective in stopping me from attacking other children and feel more capable of expressing what i was feeling. I was still a kid so its not like i became perfect lmao but it helped a lot. my mom didn't have the same treatment and to this day will get comments about people who knew her as a child that are "just glad she's not a serial killer" and it very much affects her to this day. i know friends who have been told BY TEACHERS that they seem like they could be a serial killer when they grow up. my uncle, who died by suicide, was the son of a serial killer and his family refused to raise or help him because they were afraid he'd "turn out like his father" of whom he never met due to being born in prison. in turn he was extremely abused by the foster care system and relied on intensely unhealthy coping mechanisms and struggled to raise his children and died as their sole provider and leaving them behind. My brother has also displayed violent behavior and made violent threats to other people and struggled with a lot of things because of that. people frequently express they're glad he's not in prison. i may have clung to specifically the serial killer comments a bit longer than necessary because of personal association, but while it's something i study, it's also deeply close to home, and i know how awful long terms affects can be. while that context is not necessary to know why i care so heavily about this, it does make insensitive off hand comments from my alleged peers cut deep.

SORRY this got tangenty and heavy and complaining abt psych majors is not targeted towards u anon lol its just exhausting to have been around unforgiving teachers and adults and seeing its negative affects on me, my family, and my friends, and then seeing similar mindsets in my generation that claims to want to be better than our predecessors. psych is genuinely interesting to me, and due to my early intervention and good luck with therapists, ive seen what benefits people can glean from experiences with the psychiatric field. unfortunately, ive also seen countless ways its failed countless people, and being able to see the start of harmful thinking in my peers makes it incredibly difficult to be optimistic and also pisses me off lmao. as much as this is my choice of career and it matters to me, there are extremely harmful ideas that make up the foundation of modern (and obviously past) psych and seeing people take this at face value makes me spectacularly miserable. 🫠🫠 but its very nice (and refreshing) to talk to other ppl abt these topics from a shared pov that kids aren't evil. Which sounds so much simpler and more common than it actually is 😮‍💨

[chaosnightmare]

i was talking abt amv stuff but pls make a full list, am curious now

okay. favorite shadow moments. be warned that on top of being a kinnie in general i just really really like shadow so. this list is a little on the obnoxiously long side. this probably isn't everything ever but it's everything i could think of

Sonic Adventure 2

when eggman released him and he somehow just knew (likely due to being raised by his grandfather) that his best bet was to go fantastical and promise to grant him a wish for releasing him like some sort of fucked up little genie

in the story recaps shadow recounts the hot shot battle as him destroying it "like a toy" in one of the best line deliveries any VA for shadow has ever given. kirk thornton wishes he could sound that malicous

when he's standing on the bridge and the sirens trigger him in the first time we see his PTSD in action and it's genuinely really good. i've mentioned this before but shadow is written shockingly well as a character with post traumatic stress disorder. i especially like that his most common trigger (outside of the general presence of children) is related to the environment of the event rather than something like screaming or gunshots, they could have done that and it would have been fine but he's so much more realistic due to them avoiding that cliche. anyways

when shadow and sonic meet, shadow says "there's no time for games", essentially confirming that the minute or so beforehand was entirely shadow fucking around and having fun messing with sonic. that was playing, he was playing just then

i like when amy mistakes him for sonic and he just stands there like he has no idea how to respond to nonagressive physical contact. because he probably doesn't

i love how he's always standing ABOVE sonic when they interact. little cunt

david humphrey's delivery of "so let's get this show on the ROAD!!"

more recap stuff, when he's going after tails he sounds genuinely unsettled by pumpkin hill. which makes sense because this is likely his first time seeing much of the outside world but it's funny

"IIII DON'T THINK SO."

when he says that fulfilling marias wish is the "only thing that matters to me now" in a resigned tone that makes him sound almost like he wished he had something else to feel or live for but ultimately felt as if everything he could have ever thought of as a reason to keep existing was left behind on the ARK 50 years ago. this is one of the reasons i think shadow benefited from losing his memories

his he cries. his crying. let it out

this is going to sound convoluted but hear me out: supporting me has some lyrics that i think are really important to shadow as a character and many of them illustrate the idea that shadow was planning on dying in the fight to save earth the entire time. why do i like that? i do not know. i like tragedy

the lyrics in shadows music are ALL really wonderful and indicative of his mental state throughout the game. i think my personal favorite is "I'm shivering with cold, I struggle against despair" there's just something about that that feels so tangible and sad for him

Sonic Heroes

opening cutscene where rouge finds him and he awakens and we just get this shot of his eyes as they open and we hear this low electronic groan and shiro maekawa just knows how to compose a scene so that it's as cool as possible

also we learn so much about shadows nature (vs the nurture of gerald we saw in sa2) from this scene alone wherein less than a second after waking with no memory of anything at all about anything he saw someone in danger and instantly sprung into action to help

NOBODY but me seems to have noticed this but when rouge confronts the chaotix for no reason shadow nods his head (and shakes it) in agreement with her even though he has no idea why these people need to be fought or who they even are. again we learn so much more about who shadow is at the actual core of his personality in heroes

"is that so? well then, it'll be a date to DIEEEE for"

i LOVE how solid shadows sense of identity is like people mistake his anxiety over not having his memories for having no idea who he is at his core but at every turn he reaffirms that he IS shadow the hedgehog no matter WHAT the truth about him is and that will always be an absolute. and we see that in heroes too

when you get a bad rank he shouts "what's WRONG with me????"

Sonic Battle

chaos nightmare attack. named my blog after it. very pretty sprite and the "HAH!!" sound i love also

"there's no need to repeat past tragedies! nobody else ever needs to go through the things that i have!"

right after this fight rouge smacks him upside the head and drags him off for getting into a fight with tails and before he's rested no less

"DIDN'T EVEN BREAK A SWEAT!"

i love that he just passes the hell out clean out from exhaustion after very little exertion he is just like me fr

he thanks rouge and calls her his ally. i miss when he was allowed to have his best friends

i like when he begs to know why he was given a soul

Shadow the Hedgehog

the ENTIRE i am all of me opening

the part of that one promotional "interview" where he says he likes to skateboard and hang out with his friends

i'm sorry i know its cheesy but calling something nearly impossible and then saying "i'll take those odds" is so cool to me. YEAAAA

he winces as he's having a trauma flashback in the opening cutscene...

it's very minor but when black doom is trying to get shadows attention after disobeying him and he mentions the professor it takes shadow like 4 whole seconds to process it and react

i do also like that he describes his own name as haunting him

USES IT/ITS PRONOUNS IN SELF-REFERENCE

shadow has a lot of parallels with metal sonic in this game, as if the events of heroes really had an impact on him. the lyrical parallels between i am all of me and what i'm made of are the most obvious, but my attention is also drawn to shadow in some routes choosing to begin an android uprising, almost as if he's following metal's example.

i love when the professor is giving his speech to shadow and shadow looks on in amazement and the shot is so wonderful and it really shows off just how gorgeous the shth/heroes models were

shadow really really cares about maria even when he genuinely cannot remember anything about her. he knows he's glad that she's safe when he helps her. he knows he would have traded his life for hers even when he can't remember who she was to him. the feelings he has still remain etched into his mind even when their subjects have faded and been erased, it's part of why he was so stressed about his memory loss in the first place, it's part of what made it so easy for black doom to manipulate him

i like griffiths evil laughter it's very nice

i LOVEEE the cutscene where he destroys the comet. love it love it love it fr

Sonic 06:

we so rarely see chaos control used to stop time (we usually only see it used for teleportation, the other way you can utilize the ability) and its so delightful to see him use it like this just to step behind silver and kick him clean in the back of the head. he didnt even need to do that he was just showing off

duude when mephiles is trying to get shadow on his side and starts telling him that he has every right to want justice and punishment for humanity and shadow refuses because he's heard it all and felt it all before and is now completely over it....

i like how shadow's attachment to omega is explored a bit here what with how deeply hurt he is to realize that omega is the one who captures him and how hesitant he is to leave him behind when he sees him in the future deactivated

he's actually really helpful in this game all around but i think it's nice that he jumps in to save sonic from silver literally just to do him a solid. we don't really get to see sonic and shadow help eachother out very often anymore

also he saves rouge instead of pursuing the scepter

Sonic Chronicles

his whole character motivation at first is just that he thinks his friend omega might be hurt and missing somewhere and he's scared for him and when they find omega broken down and damaged eggman insults him and shadow acts like he's going to rip the doctors limbs off for it

also when they reactivate omega and he tells the story of what happened to him shadow is soooooo fucking angry he loves his friend so much. i love shadow in this game sorry we never get to see him so nice and cool anymore god. losing my mind sorry

if you argue with shadow and assume he's evil and out to betray you he literally gets offended like "of COURSE we're on the same team, why would i want to see the world destroyed??"

Sonic Colors

i just think its a little cute that he was worried about sonic and tails

Archie

the entire shadow fall arc but specifically the scene where eclipse is trying to convert him. like the entire thing is just a great shadow moment

watching him cry as he has to leave maria again god god god god god

also when he comes out of that issue and defines himself as being born in the name of love

still the entire shadow fall arc

Sonic X

i love the entire scene of him chasing down cosmo and tails its like a horror movie. shadow loves to be in horror movie put him in the scary hallway

his reaction to molly's death is so real and devastating again i just like tragedy

really all of sonic x is better in its original japanese than the 4kidz english dub but the english script line "don't talk to ME about what's fair! not after what happened here!" is one of my favorite shadow lines ever

Sonic Prime

THEY'RE AIR SHOES.

i like how you can see shadow progressively becoming less patient with sonic as he tries to communicate with him across realities. we went from "its all broken! i'm lost in the void, you have to keep moving!" to "KEEP GOING!!!!! DO NOT STOP." its so funny he's so right for how pissed he is in this show

Misc

i like how he rarely ever sits down. i just think thats a fascinating character detail. even in boom he outright says he'd rather stand. what is his problem

i love it when he fixes his quills like hair. gayass

there aren't a whole lot of parts of the twitter takeovers that i really really like for any of the characters but especially not shadow. however when he lists all of the things he thinks are wrong about sonic but follows up by saying that he DOESN'T hate him it really helps illustrate how shadow thinks

there's a part in the books i think is really funny where shadow loses a device he needs to rescue sonic so badly that he couldn't find it anywhere and he's just like. Great

i loveeee that he's raising a chao that's so wonderful. and he loves it so much

he actually kicks people in the head very consistently it's one of his most common attacks

[smolselfshippingaxcycat]

Oh, okay! Let me toss the question back at you--how about you and Netzach? How'd you two meet and what kicked off your relationship?

Only if you feel like sharing, of course!! /gen

~ librarian-lover 📖

ofc ofc!! thamk fur the ask @librarian-lover! /gen sorry i took so long two answer :'3 and sorry abt how long the answer is, too! /lh

i dont have a whole story planned out yet (beclaws chronic illness is a meanie) nor a name fur my s/i, just vaguely put twogether bits and pieces here and therer, but im hapy two share my ideas!! ill put them under the cut so that the post isnt 5 meters long /lhj

Local Idiot™ somehow manages two get hired at L Corp /lh

they start out in the welfare depawrtment, as one of the furst mempurrs

they dont dislike being there, but being that deep underground offsets their agoraphobia a bit- not enough two cause them panic, but it definitely makes it so that their mental corruption levels rise quicker

so they sign up two transfur two the safety team instead (beclaws control team is "too yellow" and info team is too menacing and safety sounds. not scary and ok maybe they just enjoy how green the halls are there if they cant have bloo)

they happen two bump intwo netzach on one of their furst few days there and they introduce themselves two each other

and while my s/i's attempting two make small talk (and mostly failing), theyre kinda like.. "huh, something abt him seems kinda sad.... oh, people have said that about me a lot! and im purretty touch starved, maybe he needs a hug...? wait, but it'd be weird two hug someone yew just met, right?? maybe i can be his furriend or something thatd be supurr awesome and nyaice-"

they're having All the Thoughts™.... they just cannot stop Thinking™ /lh

so they're trying two come up with excuses two talk two him day after day- while noticing his alcohol and enkaphalin usage, which... kinda worries them. they've definitely been stressed enough themself two the point where they've wanted two turn two drugs... was this a similar case??

efurry time they try two go up and talk two him, though, their voice just... won't come out.

so they have the idea of writing a letter instead! maybe thatd be easier..

theyre very nervous, and constantly state how "its not a crush or anything, i just wanna be furriends and get two know each other meowre!" followed by something like "oh but no purressure if yew dont want i mean i just want yew two know im feeling this way is all!" beclaws they're not quite sure if 'friend-crush' or 'squish' is an ok term two use, beclaws feelings are confusing. the way their brain automatically thinks of the worst case scenarios also makes it so that the letter starts off with something like... "if yew're reading this im purrobly dead or i dropped this on the floor somewhere"

they put said letter in an envelope and seal it with a white heart sticker that they color in the queerplatonic flag colors and write netzach's name on the back.

and they go "ok tomeowrrow im delivering this!"

tomeowrrow comes. they fold the letter intwo their pocket....

and they dont have the guts two deliver it-

"ok ill just carry this around in my pockets while working. in case i die or something.."

they still make attempts here and there two try and deliver the letter two no avail

other agents in the safety depawrtment have obviously taken notice of this and occasionally tease them about having a (supposed) crush on the sephirah of the safety team- meowre in a teasing playful way than anything else

but these teasing interactions turn out two be a bit of a blessing- the whole safety team kinda grows closer twogether with these mischievous lil interactions and hangouts (my s/i included ofc- im just keeping it vague beclaws i wanna make it so that others can bwoop their nuggets intwo this kinda scenario if they wanna ehehe)

uhh i dont have meowch else past this point but like.

theyre sneaking around during netzach's meltdown (although they very definitely shouldnt be, they want two be of help somehow- think of a scenario similar two how the sephirah meltdowns play out in teequeue's playthrough on the lp archive?)

afterwards, they meownage two listen in on bits and snippets of the manager's talk with netzach after his meltdown

that kind of... intensifies their feelings twowards him! like "whoa thats so cool of him actually two keep mewving furward even when life is so scary... i wish i could be like that"

so it becomes not only "i wanna be his furriend" but "i think... i really look up two him."

followed by "and also... its confusing but i wanna give him platonic kisses. does that make sense?? are- are platonic kisses a thing??"

ofc theyre just kinda talking two themself in their head trying two figure out "its not romantic but i think i wanna kiss him?? but! thats purrobably weird ill just say its a squish and try two deliver that letter..."

they. still dont meownage two deliver that letter even after the fall of L Corp

but thankfully, they get another chance two in the Library!

there, they actually manage two work up the nerve two talk two netzach, learning furrom their past mistake of just letting the oppurrtunity slip by- and they do it on their furst day, too!

they actually get along quite well and are p relaxed with each other!

my s/i doesnt drink (just beclaws they think there are better tasting and smelling things out there) and they encourage netzach two purractice some moderation beclaws they just worry like that a lot

often times after receptions, they nap snuggled next two each other (meowch two the delight of my touch starved s/i)

the qpr really only "started officially" after my s/i was explaining two another assistant librarian that "even tho i wanna kiss him it isnt romantic but i cant explain why it just doesnt feel romantic"

but they were explaining loud enough fur like. efurryone on the floor of art two hear beclaws. "what is volume control im neurodivergent also stop making me so flustered /lh"

netz has (purrobably?) nefur heard of anything like that befur, but is willing two give it a shot

so theres always kisses on the cheek or forehead pre-reception and purrobably meowre kisses and closerer snuggles post-reception. sometimes occasionally kisses on the lips, lots of hand holding or havin an arm around the other or little ways of showing physical affection (ᶦ ʳᵉᵃˡˡʸ ˡᶦᵏᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᶜ ᵗʰᵃᵗ ⁿᵉᵗᶻᵃᶜʰ ᶦˢ ˢᵘᵖᵘʳʳ ᵖʰʸˢᶦᶜᵃˡˡʸ ᵃᶠᶠᵉᶜᵗᶦᵒⁿᵃᵗᵉ) tl;dr: local idiot joins lobcorp, tries and fails two befurriend netz, meownages two actually gain the nerve two talk two him during the events of ruina and talks a little too loudly but it turns out two be ok beclaws qpr

[captainaikus]

Uh hi. I've never done something like this before but all I wanted to do is that I wanted to tell you how incredible your works are. It's amazing and tbh it makes me inspired to try make works of my own which probably won't go well since I lack the courage and motivation. I'm sorry for what happened to you earlier with that person being so quick to assume but overall I just hope you're all cooled down from what happened earlier. That's all, I just came here to tell you that. I hope you're doing okay and healthy both physically and mentally/emotionally? . Also as a reminder, pls remember to stay hydrated and eat at least something don't starve ahaha. Uh yeah anyways hope you for the best. 💕💗

-Anon 💙 (uh I've never done this before so pls don't uh mention my mistakes if there's any. I didn't reread this—)

Hi hi pretty! ٩꒰｡•◡•｡꒱۶

Tags : talks abt depression, mentions of coping mechanisms, and basically the reason why i started writing here

Thank you so much for reading my works! You have no idea how much it means to me to know that i inspired someone to write; even if my image isn't looking the best rn- but that's one of the faces of being a writer of any kind.

As for the writing part. So, I've been on tumblr for over four years, reading for the first three and posting things in the past one. The first post i made was a post regarding a Bakugou work and it was nsfw. I was really scared cause it was the first time i had done something so bold and i lacked the courage for it but i really wanted to get my work out there. and cause i was determined to, i decided that i was gonna do it. it wasn't the best back then cause i had no sense of a writing style- and now that i think about it my writing style was cringe. i have the mind to take those works down, but that is a sign of how much i worked to get here. from barely making a 100 likes, i made 200, crossed 300 and so on and have a lot of followers as well.

but for me it was never about the likes or followers i got, it was all about what i wanted to do and there is a whole list of that - some of them being that i wanted to make something self indulgent (yes i still read my tears, your comfort esp aiku's part before sleeping on bad days and i'm making more works) or could be because i wanted to get an opinion out here as a way of expressing myself; but most of all it was creating content for you guys. Cause i know a lot of people comfort on tumblr. and when i wasn't doing so well in my later teen years, i took to tumblr to comfort cause it was healthy coping mechanism - and reading things here had always made my day. and i wanted to do that for someone.

I know that the first move always seems scary, there will be trips and stumbles along the way, there will be times when you feel sad about not getting likes or the drop in followers or have a rivaling author/ writer, times when you have your idea stolen- as it has happened with me before. but that shouldn't stop you; now my writing is purely for the purpose of self satisfaction and the itch of writing an idea that can make someone's day.

That's my motivation and rather than forcing an idea, it is best to let it come to you naturally and taking your time with it. Enjoy writing the fic and it really shows in your work. don't sweat the details, that comes with the more you practice. and if you need advice or writing tips come over to my side blog or ask away here. I'd be happy to help! (๑•͈ᴗ•͈)

As for how i'm doing? kinda sleepy. Happens when i'm emotionally stressed out or having my blood boil from something someone said. As for the anon, i got one sentence : jumped to conclusions too early and even tried to interrogate me And since i wasn't having any of it, cause i don't have to prove myself to anyone, i deleted it - like this person doesn't even know me and were quick to assume things abt me; and decided to sleep over the fic and move onto the next best thing - making more fics and enjoying it cause i am not gonna let someone behind an anon affect me ꒰✿ˊᗜˋ ꒱ ‹3

I had a sub sandwich with water and listened to ice cream by heiakim to cheer myself up ૮ ෆ ´ ˕ ` ෆ ა

i know this thing isn't permanent and it shall pass- but thanks for dropping in! Do you want an anon in case you want to come back an just rant or talk? whatever you want really ʕ•́ᴥ•̀ʔっ♡

[paulmccartneymybeloved]

another post abt my personal life sorry :/

had a reallyyy heated argument with my sister earlier. worst once since we were kids. this environment is awful

what basically happened was she asked me to do something and when I didn't quite do it how she wanted she stormed off and shouted at and insulted me and I retaliated and it escalated. she's a moody teenager with a short fuse and I don't really ever wanna be around her, my parents assure me that she's just a moody teenager and I hope they're right because if how easily annoyed she gets now is just a part of who she is I cannot continue to have her in my life long term. I simply cannot

I was a moody teenager. I get it. but by the time I was her age I knew better and actively worked on how irritable I was because i knew that at that age, being that moody wasn't acceptable anymore. I was awful as a teen, looking back I feel awful for anyone who I flipped out on for no reason other than I was a moody teenager

I feel my parents constantly excuse her behaviour with "that's just the way she is!", that is not how it's going to work in the real world. we have been so patient with her and we have tried so hard to understand that she's a teenager and she's hormonal but it's genuinely starting to get to a point where she's unbearable to be around and we don't ever wanna be around her

when her and I get on it's so good and we can talk for hours and it's lovely. but all it takes is me not even realising I've done something to annoy her and she's shouting at me and insulting me, if this was any relationship other than brother and sister - I would not put up with it I would have cut her off a long time ago because it's draining knowing someone like that, I feel like im walking on eggshells constantly. I often don't eat my evening meal til late so I don't have to be near her

it's something I really hope she grows out of because it's a horrible trait that she has. I am not proud of how I acted earlier, I still have some things to work on even though I am not as easily irritable/susceptible to anger as I was when I was younger. I have come a long way from when I was younger but I still have some work to do. she doesn't even acknowledge how horrible she can be

when relaying the situation to my mother she manipulated the story to make it seem like it was all my fault, seemingly because she doesn't wanna feel like she did anything wrong. she said I started shouting at and insulting her, when I didn't. I keep my head down and mouth shut when here because I'm so fed up of conflict that I dont speak unless spoken to, so I couldn't have possibly started it

I feel like im constantly walking on eggshells

I feel like im constantly walking on a tightrope that's about to snap

everyone in this household is someone who gets angry quite quickly, im the only one working on it. I have before now, especially in my teen years, said and done things that I'm really not proud of. I grew up in a house where my parents would (and still do) fly off the handle at a moments notice and you are a product of your own environment, so as soon as I realised that that's why I felt anger in the way that I did, I started working on it

this environment is so toxic and I'm miserable about it. I've tried to explain to my mother that if we all talked about things instead of all just getting infathomably angry and getting at eachothers throats then we'd create a better environment but she's like 'that's the way it is unfortunately', it doesn't have to be!!!! trying not 2 cry as I type this but I'm just so tired and fed up and generally upset about everything

I can't sleep cos of stress. I'm drinking alcohol every day. I wake up everyday and remember what my life is atm and get a sinking feeling in my chest. I just. I know there are others who have it harder and at least I have a roof over my head and food to eat and like I should be thankful for that but I just. ugh. I need to get out of this environment

[troglobite]

lol when we’re talking abt her life falling apart and being stressed out and messy beyond belief, it’s replies within minutes or an hour

when she’s talking to someone other than me (without telling me or letting me know she might be late) then it’s not bothering to say anything until 20 mins too late and i’ve already been sleep deprived and miserable bc she couldn’t be fucked to warn me

when she’s doing fine but she knows that i had a rough day or night, she doesn’t check in for 4 days, and i have to msg first

she finally replies to me several hours later and is like “oh i’m doing great! how about you? :)”

before i can even reply says “lol said i’m doing great then had a sad girl moment”

i reply

she says “no updates”

finally asks me something specific

so i reply w an actual answer

hours later, no response 🙃

~i’m beginning to see a pattern forming~

the thing is, though, that i think she just has always felt like she can’t go to anyone w her problems lest she be a burden to them, or maybe she’s embarrassed by the feelings, is afraid of having genuine support and needs met bc she was in a like 5+ year relationship where she wasn’t getting all of that sort of thing

and then here i am offering it

she latches on

but then just.........

seems to fall back into what we had kept up before

barely interacting but every year or so catching up on video chat together for several hours

she kept, during our EXTREMELY LONG text/dm conversations abt her situation, trying to deflect by asking me abt myself, or latching onto ANYTHING i said that might reveal ~emotional vulnerability~

but she wasn’t genuinely interested, she was deflecting--performatively. bc she was insecure abt talking abt her issues so much.

and tbh under normal circumstances--and even now, honestly--i don’t think she talked “too much.” i think everything that was happening was urgent and traumatizing, and if no one else was available to help, then i was happy to be there. especially bc i could see the exact horrifying mistakes she was about to make. and i could see ways of helping her avoid them without Telling her what to do.

so i was happy to help. and it did help. and she took control of everything, for the most part. she seems to be doing okay now, even though some things went sideways. i think she’s probably still hiding things from me but fuck that, it’s not my fucking job to pry this information out of you to help keep you from wrecking your life, take some fucking responsibility and maybe start to internalize everything we talked abt. 

anyway the problem wasn’t how much we talked abt it

it’s that...

i have once again (in 16 years of being her friend lol). become the one you run to when things are bad. but not the one you offer legitimate support for bc my problems make everyone uncomfortable.

mine can’t be solved with simple advice or a positive attitude.

they’re not even that bad. 

but no one likes sitting w me in the “that fucking sucks” zone. they’re so fucking bad at it.

all she wants to do is suggest it’s not as bad as it could be, or interact w me as though i’m HER and selling myself short bc of self-esteem issues. (surprise, i know what i’m good at--that’s not the problem) [ETA: as an example, in middle school, she was the type of person to insist that i “wasn’t fat” bc she felt it was an insult. i managed to shut that down by point out it was an Objective Fact, and now she just ignores it but still obsessively talks abt her own fitness sometimes & rags on herself for eating too many carbs. another example, she recently sent me a job posting in france where she is bc it made her think of me, and i was like oh that’s nice! unfortunately i wouldn’t be qualified for it anyway, not sure i’d want it either. &she went ON AND ON AND ON trying to “reassure” me that i’d be a great fit! &i was like--...no, i literally mean i don’t have the experience they’re asking for, &it’s not really my bag, anyway. bc she wouldn’t listen to me when i was explaining the difference btwn writing/running my own personal ttrpg campaign, &fucking WRITING AN ENTIRE VIDEO GAME’S STORY. or when i was talking abt my mom when she had covid & how she hid things from me, it was “well i don’t have both sides of the story” WHAT BOTH SIDES?! YOU ARE MY FRIEND AND I AM UPSET. COMFORT ME! instead she just talked abt long covid, which i immediately ignored. like ??!!?]

she doesn’t know how to listen to and have compassion for me and reflect back to me that she hears that it sucks and she’s sorry, she hopes things change for the better--or even what might help is shittalking people/things/ideas that make me feel bad. 

she can’t do that.

honestly v few ppl do. 

and i mean, like, there’s more. you’d hope that after 16 years she’d know me well enough to...idk. engage properly. but whatever here we are. 

anyway the point is i’ve never really understood “fairweather friends” bc it’s not quite accurate.

it’s not that things have to be going well for me or the relationship for them to show up.

things have to be going badly for them and then they’ll come to me for help.

and then the rest of the time it’s like who gives a shit how it’s going for me, let’s have light conversation and talk casually. 

i’m just sort of not doing great bc this is reminding me a lot of my childhood and i’d rather not think abt my childhood at all.

unfortunately that means i probably should and like, listen, my therapist knows, a bunch of weird shit has brought up my childhood in a way i Feel Conflicted About so we’re probably going to talk abt it.

i’m just thinking out loud bc over the last couple weeks, she would reply to me almost instantaneously around this time of day. but now that it’s just me talking abt myself? she hasn’t even read my response. lol i don’t even need that much support (that she can offer) rn...lol

anyway alas whatever i’ve been having extreme spikes in anxiety the last couple days and am having one rn so i had to take another anti-anxiety thing and a benadryl bc idk if it’s genuine anxiety or if it’s MCAS acting up bc of the change in weather

and of course i can’t take the medication i was SUPPOSED to be on to treat MCAS bc the fucking thing instead made my brain so fucking fried that i had a 102F fever for a fucking day and a half lolololol

anyway //sigh

[colliecan]

idk how to articulate it but when i think about it, the way the concept of being triggered applies to substance abuse is weird. i think bc it presupposes that any consumption of drugs, by u or by others, is bad. def not to say i want more alc ads. when triggered is used to refer to things that actually stringer stressful emotions in their own right are things that u use drugs dangerously(?) to cope, i think that makes sense, but talking about just seeing drugs being a trigger it doesn’t feel like the same phenomenon? like. peer pressure, direct or indirect, can def encourage someone to use, but i think calling the actual contact with drugs a trigger undermines that it seems the only way u’d use that peer pressure to use drugs dangerously(?) to cope is if u already got things u rly need to cope with. i feel like it teaches people that it’s the recognizing pain and the act of soothing themselves which are the bad parts of drug use. speaking for myself, when i was in aa and didn’t even wanna look at alc, it felt like i was teaching myself to be paranoid about doing something unhealthy if i even looked at alc the wrong way. and i spent a lot of nights holing myself as much as i could to wait til it was 2am so i knew i couldn’t get anything to drink, but like the point is my efforts were put into avoiding alc rather than seeking alternative coping mechanisms. i feel like aa indirectly addresses this by saying to call ppl every day or esp when ur struggling, but it’s framed as ‘so u don’t get the idea to drink’ as opposed to directly promoting it as a healthier coping mechanism. bc it rly helps ur mental health to talk to people instead of be alone with ur thoughts, who’da thunk. but i didn’t understand that then and prob still couldn’t apply that now bc i’m too anxious to get groceries much less have a convo with essentially still a stranger in the middle of a breakdown. basically harm reduction and explicitly relying on others to help cope in healthier ways >>>>>>> focusing on maintaining a Pure Sobriety at the cost of ur mental health. the thing that’s prob a big part of why u use so much in the first place. also i feel kinda weird describing how addicts use drugs as Dangerous, bc for a lot of people it’s just health risk that might not’ve caught up with them yet, so that feels like slapping cigs out of people’s hands telling them they’re dangerous. or maybe it’s something that does work for coping and isn’t destructive to ur health but it still makes u unproductive/ not safe to be productive (like bc u don’t wanna risk driving to work high or ur job involves heavy machinery or something) enough that u struggle financially, in that case it seems that the consequences of Addiction are completely social in origin and don’t have to exist like that, like at that point ur asking someone to feel worse by giving up their main coping method just so they don’t become homeless. idk what search terms i’d use to look up stuff talking abt... idek what the theme between these are, ‘an analysis of the concept of addiction at a societal/systemic level’?? idk but i want to know so i can read more and not have to post weird posts about not knowing thing that i wanna think about

[superchat]

how do I make friends on here?

writing this after i wrote everything else: i think a big part of it is familiarity. i think the best chances of making friends are with blogs that recognize you and that you recognize well too. (if youre following someone and, like their content theyll see that tbh)

i would say dont be afraid to be vocal in the tags when you reblog things. i think a lot of people really like seeing their mutuals/followers thoughts/comments/reactions in their notifs, or at least i do. and im sure others appreciate it too. theyll notice you. if youre following any blogs you like, and think the person behind them are nice or someone youd like to know, you can always just send them an ask saying you like their stuff and appreciate their content. just being open and honest about those kinds of things really makes a difference and helps kind of break the ice with people. if youre too shy, you can always just send an anon. they wont know its from YOU but it might help you feel more comfortable reaching out in the future. im a big fan of that cuz im shy (but talkative lmao) and dont always do well in conversations but i like sending anons to ppl i like (srry if this is tangential)

theres been a few times where a mutual or someone i follow will reblog something im interested in too and ive sent an ask like "luaras theme in SH2 is so good, i love her character so much" so just like, reaching out based on common interests is always good

uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh idk abt DMing.......the most comfortable ive been with DMing people is when they have questions. someone will be like "what song is this" or "wheres that post abt THING" or something. and me being the, tunnel vision person i am, and liking to be helpful, ive gone out of my way to find those things and i feel okay to like, send it to them in their DMs like "heres the thing!" OH, one thing ive done in the past is like. ive seen a post that i thought another blog would like, or it was something that really reminded me of them and ive been like "hey i hope this isnt weird feel free to ignore but i saw this thing and thought youd like it"

big important thing imo is like, many people care, and if youre long time mutuals, chances are they recognize your blog and appreciate you. there are also many people who are just, not interested in socializing too. its important to not like, take any of that personal. if you do talk to someone, and after a few conversations, things fizzle out, or if they dont reply much. dont take it personal. online friendships can be very hit or miss. if i ever reach out to someone i always start it with like "are you okay chatting?" or "i hope dming you doesnt make you uncomfortable, if it does we dont have to talk!" or something, and after that, if theyre down to talk. ill say what i wanted to talk about