#post passion/intimacy introspection

[aventurineswife]

WHAT IF AFTER A NIGHT OF *ahem* cuddles *ahem* with dan heng, he wakes up first and when he looks at reader he sees THE BITE MARKS AND BRUISES he left behind and he panicks a little. Internally wondering how he is gonna apologise for entering possessive dragon mode but when reader wakes, they just play it off since they love him (but do lowkey worry on how to hide them from the rest of the astral express)

“In your arms, I lose control”

Summary: After a passionate night with Dan Heng, he wakes up to see the bite marks and bruises he left on your skin. Overwhelmed with guilt and panic, he struggles to apologize for letting his possessive instincts take over. However, you brush it off with love and understanding, playfully worrying about how to hide the marks from the rest of the Astral Express crew.

Tags: Dan Heng x Reader, Fluff, Post-Passion/Intimacy Introspection, Possessive Behavior, Emotional Vulnerability, Humor, Established Relationship.

Warnings: Mentions of Biting And Bruising (consensual, within a romantic/sexual context), Slight Angst (Dan Heng’s guilt), Suggestive Themes (non-explicit), Reader mentioned covering up marks.

It was a rare, quiet morning aboard the Astral Express. The soft hum of the train's engine filled the air, but all was still in the shared quarters. The night before had been intense—intimate—unspoken, but felt deeply. Dan Heng had always kept his emotions guarded, but with you, something shifted. He had let down his walls, and for once, let himself indulge in the connection that was more than just physical.

Now, as the first light of dawn crept through the curtains, it illuminated the scene. Dan Heng was the first to stir. His eyes fluttered open, a slight tension in his chest. The warmth of your body beside him was comforting, but something tugged at the back of his mind.

He turned his head, his gaze softening as he looked at you, the rise and fall of your chest as you slept peacefully beside him. His eyes traveled lower, and his breath caught in his throat.

The bite marks—his marks—were visible on your neck, darkened bruises on your skin. His hands had left their mark, clenching into the soft, fragile flesh of your body in his moments of passion. His heart skipped a beat, and his stomach turned. A wave of panic washed over him.

He had never intended to hurt you. It had been an impulse, a rush of emotions that had gotten the better of him. His instincts, always just beneath the surface, had taken control. The possessiveness he thought he had buried had surged like a dragon awakening, fierce and unrelenting.

"Did I...?" He whispered to himself, staring at the marks. His thoughts spiraled. He never wanted to hurt you—never wanted to leave a trace of himself on you like this. He hadn’t meant for it to go this far.

The guilt gnawed at him, and his mind raced with ways to apologize. What could he say? How could he fix this? You deserved so much better than a mess like him, someone whose emotions could break through his carefully constructed walls and leave their mark.

Suddenly, a soft sigh came from beside him. Your eyes fluttered open, blinking against the light as you slowly came back to consciousness. Dan Heng quickly averted his gaze, though the panic still flickered within him.

"Morning..." Your voice was soft, laced with that familiar warmth that made his chest tighten with affection. As you stretched, your eyes caught the marks on your skin, and you froze for a moment.

"Dan Heng..." you said, your voice light and teasing, but with a hint of concern. "You really went all out last night, huh?" You gently touched the bite mark on your neck, glancing up at him with a playful smile.

Dan Heng stiffened, his face flushing a faint shade of pink. He opened his mouth to speak, to apologize, but you placed a finger gently on his lips, silencing him.

"I don't mind," you reassured him, a fond smile tugging at the corner of your mouth. "I love you, Dan Heng. You know that, right?"

His heart thudded in his chest, both relieved and overwhelmed by your words. But even as the tension began to ease, you could see the worry lingering in his eyes. He was still conflicted, still unsure about how to reconcile his own actions with his feelings for you.

"But," you continued, a mischievous glint in your eyes, "we might need to figure out how to hide these from the rest of the crew. I don’t think everyone will understand."

Dan Heng let out a sigh, a quiet chuckle escaping his lips as the weight of his internal panic lifted. The tension in his body slowly dissolved as he leaned closer to you, his expression softening, though still tinted with traces of guilt.

"I’m sorry," he murmured again, his voice barely a whisper, as his hand gently brushed the marks on your skin. "I didn’t mean to be... so possessive."

You smiled warmly at him, your hand reaching up to cup his cheek. "You don’t have to apologize. I love you exactly the way you are."

Dan Heng's eyes softened, gratitude shining through. Still, his mind couldn't help but wander to the day ahead—how would he face the others knowing he'd left such a mark on you, physically and emotionally? But, for now, he had your understanding, and that was enough.

"Guess we'll need to be careful," you teased, lifting your head to kiss him lightly on the lips. "Maybe we can get creative with some scarves or high collars until the bruises fade."

Dan Heng chuckled, the sound low and soothing, the last remnants of his panic slipping away as he held you close. With you by his side, perhaps the weight of his past—and his instincts—would be easier to bear.

For now, he was content.

[lunarlianna]

Planets in retrograde in natal chart

Planets in retrograde in natal chart and what they mean. Now you need to take into consideration and in which house this planet reside and also what aspects are being made. One thing I may need to clarify in astrology the Moon and the Sun never go into retrograde motion. Some of us have more planets retrograde, others a few and some none of them. When planets are in retrograde in the natal chart, they shouldn't be stigmatized but more to understand where we may face difficulties in some shape or form also, I’ll be talking a bit about karma and the retrogrades in the natal chart. Retrograde planets turn energies inward, leading to a slower external manifestation. Those with retrograde planets tend to deeply contemplate these energies, a trait associated with geniuses and leaders. I may make a different post on the big asteroid in retrograde as well, comment if you want to see that.

Mercury retrograde turns inward, urging revisits and intuitive learning. Born during this, you're bright and adaptive, excelling in communication. Relationships embrace diverse views, but overthinking occurs; seek enriching connections, travel. Those with Mercury retrograde unconsciously access collective wisdom, sometimes facing communication struggles. Finding solace in non-verbal forms like music and art resonates with Mercury retrogrades—imagine musical geniuses. Past-life whispers sway relationships, seeing others as echoes of bygone connections.

Venus retrograde suggests challenges in freely sharing affection due to a sense of emotional scarcity. Life events can be filtered through a longing for love, often internalizing and magnifying hurts in relationships. This may stem from past-life pain, leading to a fear of vulnerability and difficulty fully embracing love. This retrograde can manifest as shyness and fear of intimacy, needing trust, or even as self-centeredness, requiring self-love and healthy affection expression. You possess a passion for pleasure, creativity, and visual arts. Adept in hosting, fashion, decor, and cooking, making everything delightful.

Mars retrograde guides your energy inward, sparking introspection into past moments and affecting how you perceive current connections. Prioritizing spiritual desires may unintentionally overshadow physical well-being; focusing on your holistic growth is important. While intimate experiences might differ due to internalized energy, nurturing, deep bonds can bring forth a more natural expression. Mars retrograde karma hints at efforts to reenact moments from the past, attempting unspoken wishes and sometimes reacting strongly to unmet hopes. Embracing self-assertion and risk-taking, despite challenges, forms a vital part of your journey towards self-discovery and empowerment.

Jupiter retrograde directs expansion inward, fostering profound inner growth, often through spiritual studies. There's a tendency to over-plan, leading to inaction at times. Embracing a spiritual path offers fulfilment, but mundane pursuits might leave you unsatisfied. Deja-vu experiences are common, and you're drawn to guiding others through counselling, teaching, or the law. While generous and hopeful, avoid over-giving or idealizing situations. Late-life marriage or parenthood is possible; be cautious of seeking to "fix" partners.

Saturn acts as a guide through challenges and life lessons, ultimately granting wisdom and compassion. Saturn retrograde signals a chance to revisit life, feeling the weight of two lifetimes simultaneously. Doubts about self-worth and capabilities arise, but you've grown through past struggles. Embracing Saturn's discipline leads to tapping into vast wisdom. Born during this phase, you're diligent, precise, and skilled, yet remember not to be overly critical. In relationships, avoid co-dependency and prioritize healthy boundaries, understanding you're not accountable for others' actions.

Uranus retrograde can make it challenging to fully embrace and express your unique self, sometimes leading to a reconnection with ideas from the past. Feeling a strong responsibility for personal growth, you're a visionary deeply attuned to life's complexities. Your authenticity is precious; it urges you to explore the uncharted and share your ideas, even if they're not easily understood. Karmic ties to family and society can bring struggles, reshaping your unconscious. In relationships, your inner conflicts might create turbulence; focusing on intuitive wisdom over emotional turmoil can guide you. It can lead to a fear of change or a longing for the familiar. Remember, you're not alone in this journey.

With Neptune retrograde in your chart, your imagination is vibrant, leading you to seek solace in dreams. Deep spirituality resides within, though expressing it can be a journey. At times, these struggles could lead you towards challenging paths, such as wrestling with addiction or assuming the role of a martyr. On a brighter note, this retrograde might bestow upon you finely tuned psychic sensitivities, allowing you to glimpse beyond the veil. However, your heightened emotional sensitivity can render you vulnerable to negativity, emphasizing your need for regular solitary moments to rejuvenate and shield your emotional sanctuary.

For those with Pluto retrograde, its transformative force delves deeply within, illuminating your inner world ahead of its outer expression. Past-life psychic abilities are present, meant for positive impact. You sense humanity's struggles within, embracing responsibility for collective awakening. Karmically, you owe humanity from a particular era, repaid through selfless service, offering the chance for profound spiritual growth and liberation from rebirth. Pluto's inner battle involves suppressed anger and control issues, concealing a powerful potential for profound transformation and insight. Handle with care, as betrayals can ignite their intensity.

[rhinocio]

ROTTMNT Fanfic Recommendations

Light

You Coveted This Prison by CaveDwellers (April / Donatello - Comedy / Character Study - WIP) THE April O'Neil character study. One part excruciating (for reader and supporting cast) slow burn romance, one part introspection on being true to oneself. Rated M but only for one chapter, which can be skipped. Riddled with laugh-out-loud comedy shenanigans and heartachingly tender intimacy. Hot takes all over the place because the author wrote this with very little fandom involvement, and intentionaly chose to be contrarian in as many ways as possible. April takes down her arch-rival! Raph locks her in a freezer! Casey Junior's keeping secrets! Donatello's wall of horrible fake sciencey souveniers keeps growing and it may or may not be a sign of affection -- he's going to crunch the numbers on that. An absolute blast of a fic, cannot recommend enough.

★

Tried To Grow Up Good by Sroloc_Elbisivni (No romantic focus - Character Study - Complete)

THE Casey Jones post-movie character study. Love is stored in the found family. Casey is an accidental felon. He and Cassandra are siblings now. Anatawa hitorijaNAI let's get the entire two timeline fam in here for a reunion so I can sob myself silly. Perfection. This author's constantly pumping out new fics, and often updating multiple at a time; I've read through and greatly enjoyed Tomato Maze (there is so much serotonin in the knowledge that these idiot turtle boys will do anything for watermelon), Sorrow Is An Autumn Heart (Leo/Usagi but make it a slowburn thriller-drama set in historical Japan), and The Passionate Pools of Salamandria (a post-movie Raph/Mona bodice-ripper with an amnesiac protagonist and a B-plot where the rest of the family fight space to find their missing brother). Honestly this author has the WILDEST takes and everything they write is fascinating.

★

Give Me Something That’ll Haunt Me When You’re Not Around by Taizi (Leonardo / Yuichi - Drama / Romance - Complete)

If you've decided you're finally gonna take a dive into the leosagi crossover ship and see what all the fuss is about, do it with this fic. The author has a strong grasp on how to make a character study about characters first and relationships second, and in doing so has crafted one of THE most tender romance stories I've ever read. Starts as a character study on Yuichi Usagi and the yokai perspective on the Kraang invasion, branches into an exploration of PTSD and what it means to recover, and ends with a friends-to-lovers quickburn that says, "because of you I'm learning to love myself." Leo gets a therapy dinosaur. Yuichi gets out of his head. The character nuance and showing-not-telling is godtier. Healing starts with telling the alien invaders to go fuck themselves. Do not pass this fic up, I promise you it's worth the read. It legitimately made me cry.

★

The Old College Try by Theashemarie (No romantic focus - Action / Drama - WIP)

Donatello cloaks himself human to go to college, and drags his twin brother along. This fic masquerades as a fun, comedy-heavy action adventure story, but under the surface is a really fascinating introspection on what it means to hide your true self in order to fit in. The queer subtext is off the charts! Leo babysits Baxter Stockboy. Mikey gets eaten by a bird. One of the grad certificates is definitely going to be made out to to the wrong Hamato entirely. This fic features an autistic writer writing an autistic character, and their personal experience shines through in the excellent way Donnie's awkwardness and affection are balanced. This author knows nuance; I also highly recommend The Hibernator (apocalyptic timeline and Raph's dead........ wink) and Very Thoughtful (a Donnie-centric low empathy study).

★

Aftermath by Bronte (No romantic focus - Drama - Complete)

The boys deal with the aftermath of the movie events in whatever ways they can. Donnie gets into pina coladas. Leo harasses his brother. Look at these disaster twins bonding! There's a flippancy to all the angst that keeps these lighthearted and love-focused without skipping the rough details. I'm literally never going to recover from the belly bongos scene and will probably end up making art about it. Fantastic read, made me viscerally emotional.

★

At The Bottom Of A Duck-Shaped Crater by CaveDwellers (April / Donatello - Drama / Comedy - Complete) One part worldbuilding for the apocalyptic timeline and one part heartfelt comedy from the perspective of Miyamoto Usagi. Leonardo adopts a babysitter. Casey Junior saves the war effort from collapsing under a dick-measuring competition. April may or may not be about to kill a man. CaveDwellers is among my favourite writers for several reasons, but this fic really highlights her strength in blending several different kinds of relationships in one story and building a plot that delivers achey-breaky sentiments without having to structure everything around romance. (We're also developing projects together; keep an eye out for the "next in series" button at the bottom of the AO3 page for soft apocalyptic stories of a similar nature!)

★

Superfight by Swordfright (No romantic focus - Drama / Comedy - Complete)

An easy-reading one shot! Leo comes to terms with being a teenager, Donnie calls his disability out for what it is, and everybody plays Superfight the card game. The author writes in a very Douglas Adams-y style, resulting in a wheezing-on-the-floor-funny reading experience. If you're burnt out on fandom angst and need a pick-me-up, this is 900% the fic for you. It got me cry-laughing with just the quick refresher glance I gave it to put this recommendation together.

★

Now That's What I Call A Vacation! by WayWardWatson (No romantic focus (?) - Adventure / Crossover - WIP)

This fic's a multi-feature! It's one part infodump about Japan's culture and tourist hotspots, one part study on what it means to cloak your identity to fit into the world, and one part surprise crossover with Usagi Yojimbo. I am OBSESSED with this author's takes on Splinter as a character; several chapters are dedicated to exploring his fixation on being "human again" and trying to juggle the life he once had as a star with the life he now has as a parent of mutants. Primarily this is a feel good adventure story about the Hamato brothers getting in touch with their heritage, but it comes in swinging with several different action/adventure plot points and drama beats to keep a reader invested. Legitimately have no idea where the author's taking things, which makes me all the more excited for the ride!

★

One Step Forward, Fall Forever Back by GriffinStone (No romantic focus - Action / Mystery - Complete)

This fic is one of those slight universe alteration stories that takes a one-off thought and runs with it: what if Casey Junior died on his way through the time rift, spawned into the past as a ghost, and Leo was the only person who could see him? Promise the execution is way less daunting than it sounds -- events move along at a breezy pace and characters never spend very long lamenting the whole dead boy situation. The final battle alone is so chocked full of found family ride-or-die energy between the two protagonists that it's worth the rest of the adventure playing out pretty similarly to the movie. Definitely a treat for those of you who are big on Leo-Casey interactions.

★

A Mixed Bag by MusingWordsmith (No romantic focus - Action / Comedy - WIP)

What if I told you there was a fic where the turtles of every major tv show TMNT iteration shonen anime-style battled their way through challenges in mixed teams of four in order to defeat a team of evil overlords who may or may not know what they're doing re: evillness? Trust me when I say this story is fun -- it blends comedy and drama flawlessly, and the author totally committed to the bit in keeping each version of the turtles loyal to the genre of their individual canons. The 1987 turtles are breaking the fourth wall. The Rise kids are absolute supersoliders. 2003 Michelangelo somehow ended up as the babysitter of his particular faction and is kind of having a crisis about it. I am so beyond impressed at how well this author distinguishes each character and keeps who's who from getting too confusing, which is a common issue in TMNT crossovers. Reading this fic feels like watching literally any version of the show as a kid on a Saturday morning. It is a blast.

Medium

Young Root, Old Rock by SiryyGrey (No romantic focus - Action / Thriller - WIP)  

Shortly after the Kraang invasion a mysterious file of an unreadable format shows up on Donnie's computer, and he's driven by an intense curiosity to decipher exactly what it is and means. This author goes HARD on creating tense, muscle-tensing atmosphere, which is balanced out by extremely tender character interaction. Casey knows something he's not letting on. Donnie makes himself a robo-brain. Leo blows up his brother. You ever wanted an adventure with the blorbos that was also an ARG? Cryptic messages are sprinkled throughout the chapters for readers to decipher. Mind the tags but absolutely do not pass this fic up!

★

No Rest For The Weary by Nekotsuki (No romantic focus - Action / Adventure - WIP)

Ever thought "hey what if the movie just kept going and we found out what happened to those other kraang"? Hello and let me introduce you to THE post-movie out of frying pan and into the fire fic. I have it on good authority that this author was a big name in the 2003 TMNT fic scene, and I suspect for good reason -- this story perfectly blends heart-pounding action with A+ belly laughs and solid found family energy. Donnie hacks cute animal emails and narcs on the enemy. April fights zombies back to back with Barold Draxum of downstairs neighbour fame. Raph gets tranquilizer-darted by his brother for being too emotional. 100/10 wild ride, cannot recommend highly enough.

★

I May Be Invisible, But I Still Look Good by Dandy (No romantic focus - Adventure / Thriller - WIP)

Several TMNT AU competitions have made this fic a household name, and for good reason -- the author's come onto the scene with a bold, fun plot premise: after a battle gone wrong, Leo finds himself alive but unable to be perceived via sight, sound, or touch. Naturally, his family assumes he's dead. While it starts on the angstier side, this story's got a lot of heart and shoves tenderness into every possible crevice; the longer it goes on, the more tears are swapped out for laughter, and anguished dialogue-heavy interaction trades place with high-octane action. Worth sticking with!

★

Creation, Haunted And Holy by Greenglowsgold (No romantic focus - Drama / Thriller - Complete)

I lied about the romance it's Donnie x Technodrome with a twist. This fic reads like fascinating poetry, and does right by its source material by taking one of the fandom's favourite angst catalysts and turning it into a demonstration of the strength of love. Looking for something wildly different? GGG's got you. Would also highly recommend their outside-POV slice of life fic Midtown Mutants!

Dark

The Lemonade Leak by TurtleSoupSwimmer (No romantic focus - Horror / Thriller - WIP)

How do you explain to your family that your twin brother's possessed when you have no evidence, aren't sure if said brother is still alive somewhere inside the zombie, and revealing you know something's wrong could get everybody killed? There is no describing how completely feral I've gone for this fic - the author's technique of starting chapters with small, raw, seemingly unrelated scenes that segue into the current plot and enhance the tone or underlying message of the story is just incredible. They've given the turtles a fascinating mutation feature that adds layers of intrigue to the plot. The character interaction is heckin' tender, we got a nice scoop of self-worth issues from Leo to deal with, and the scary scenes are grip-your-phone-and-stop-blinking scary. The author promises a happy ending but that doesn't make Lemonade Leak any less of an incredibly tense ride. This is a fic I jump on the second I get the AO3 email notification.

★

The Smoking Gun: A ROTTMNT Tactical AU by AlienMadame22 (Donatello / April - Action / Adventure - Complete)

Agent Bishop of the EPF stole four turtle mutants away from their father as children and raised them as militia; dad's gotten back in contact and intends to break them free. This author absolutely took off running with the tactical AU prompt that various visual artists started up, grabbed a handful of canon concepts to mess around with, and mcguyvered together a wild ride of a story that continues to catch me off guard. Strap in for a fic riddled with emotional complexity and character nuance, and come prepared to cry. Fear not the ship tag, as the fic is primarily non-romance-focused and the ship elements are handled in an interesting, convoluted way that works to further the plot and add comedic value. Smoking Gun is a refreshing new concept in a very busy fandom tag and I have been eating it up like candy.

★

The Dawning of the Hour (Series) by Faiakishi (No romantic focus - Horror / Drama - WIP)

Donnie is captured and brainwashed by a pre-Vegeta-arc'd Baron Draxum, who subsequently starts parenting the kid out of guilt while using his talents to fuel the canonical Mutate All Humans takeover plot. It's been often called the Donatello version of Like Father Like Son, but that does its storytelling a disservice - this series goes much deeper in the psychological and physical horror direction, has an underlying political intrigue plot, and spends a generous amount of time with the secondary cast (plus a few excellent OCs) in order to really ramp up the intensity of the premise's whole situation. The first story is very whump-heavy, but does a lot of setup for fic two: The Drax-Daddening, which gives Donnie a friend in Cassandra Jones and finds more space for affection and comedy. The author's ramped up the sources of conflict several times over in the first few chapters of the series' second fic, making rescue by the Hamato feel ever more impossible. Despite being a very complex and interesting read (grey-morality my beloved) I cannot stress enough how VERY not for kids this fic is, so proceed with extreme caution!

[bean-in-dice]

Pingxie/Xieping Chinese Fic Recs

Part 8

Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6, Part 7

.

1. Where everyone gets poisoned by a lovebug and fall for Wu Xie

人人都爱小三爷

2. Super cute Vampire!Xiaoge and Embalmer!Wu Xie au

Mortuary

3. SCP AU

收容失效

4. Even the zombies and forbidden women ship Pingxie

817中元节粽子开会

5. Wu Xie's headspace as he gets old and people start passing away

难言之隐

6. Xiaoge sees Wu Xie sleeping in discomfort covered in mosquito bites. E rated.

你是我最美的风景——片段3

7. A 5 chap collection of Pingxie being sticky and sweet with each other

【瓶邪】和闷油瓶的三十个贤者时间

8. New Year's day Yucun with iron triangle and Xiaohua, a warm and fuzzy read

明日岁华新

9. Slice-of-life style snippet where Pingxie climb a mountain to catch the sunrise, meet new generation youths from Zhejiang university.... just warm and peaceful settled-in vibes

吴山小记·天明则归

10. A lovely genderbent Pingxie GL that is also E rated!!! Liked it a lot. You get to imagine ZQL wearing a braid and using it like a whip heh

【瓶邪瓶】风吹草动

11. A gentle, comfortable short story where Pingxie go on a lil shopping spree.

【瓶邪】那什么的购物指南

12. A collection of non-explicit Pingxie shorts, taking place after the Ten Years, containing themes like first kiss, introspection, intimacy and Yucun cottagecore

不系舟

13. Wu Xie decides to build a fireplace in their Yucun home

温暖壁炉

14. Where Wu Xie returns from abroad for Pangzi's wedding with a boyfriend who's not really compatible with him, and then reunites with his deskmate Zhang Qiling from high-school.

【瓶邪】教授我想当小三

15. Where Xiao Wu says "I will marry a man if he's as perfect as a god in a poster" and the literal qilin god ZQL falls from sky to his lap😆Really fun fic.

【瓶邪】《喜从天降》

16. Where Wu Xie gets transported into a universe where Xiaoge is living in peace with his mom, after having the thoat-slit accident. Very sweet and heartwarming read.

寂静雪域

17. A non traditional A/B/O fic where Wu Xie and Xiaoge are both alphas, that narrative worked perfectly for the entire Post-Shahai Wu Xie being all "but I'm not that sweet and soft little kid anymore, I'm rough and jagged and bossy and gotta be generally very unappealing to Xiaoge" thing.

【瓶邪】顽石（原著向ABO短篇完结）

18. Pingxie try BDSM

【瓶邪】毛筆與曬衣夾（BDSM）

19. Early 19's, Hong Kong, aspiring young writer Wu Xie and an intriguing sort-of a playboy Xiaoge, a series of passionate rendezvouses.

房间

20. Li Cu visits Yucun, Wu Xie cares and worries from afar and does nothing to quell people's rumors that Li Cu is his son, and Xiaoge is very understanding.

吃白饭

.

See here for Non-Pingxie fic recs

[heksen-sabbat]

I see u tag a lot of ocs tags👀 id love to hear more abt them can you tell please??!?

!!! sure, i can try to! there's too much information to tell in one post, so my explanations will sound very bad probably, but i'll try to summarise where it's relevant to the kind of things i tag them in

ouu sorry in advance

the main ones i tag are the two ⁎rotterdam wizards⁎ gauricus and steentje (they just happen to live in rotterdam at the same time)

gauricus (gender androgyne, any pronouns but it depends on context) is a young man who has been around for a long time, he was born during ww2 in a small rural village which was insular and very religious. for this reason (and he's a big fan of historical texts) he talks very old-fashioned, so i tag him in things that remind me of how he talks

he was convinced as a child that he was condemned to belong to hell, so years later after he left home and happened to become associated with secret members of a cult who love communing with demons and hoping for armageddon to happen so that the world will be left for sinners to rule, he thought that sounds great! and he should join them!

he becomes one of their top 3 members because he's very passionate about it, and he partakes in a ritual which kills him and loses him his soul but he gets a fragment of demon to replace it so once he comes back to life he can do Unlimited Black Magic (it has a limit… it's just a lot easier for him to do magic than someone who learnt it the proper ways)

his area of magic is transmutation, so he shapes materials into different things. he uses this to create homunculi of himself that he buries in the ground, and if he gets killed, his spirit will inhabit one of them and emerge out of the ground and he continues as normal. he wants to live to see the end of the world, after all! he never ages older than mid 20s because he's in love with himself and doesn't want to change. except his sex he changes that sometimes

he likes to be very nice to people, enormous fan of nature (particularly the moon) and philosophy and religion, but he can also be really scary because he messes with people's lives as a pastime

he's my most developed oc ever i write essays about a bunch of stuff i'm not touching on here😑😑😑 BOOO onto one who's not a freak 💯

steentje tellen (dutch for "stone counting" which is a phrase about people who walk slowly because they're looking at the ground) is the alias of yenthe, who is a modern folk healer burnt out at the ripe old age of 24. she is a part of the gabber subculture, she exclusively enjoys hardcore music and makes some too. antisocial unemployed urban loiterer, you understand

for no particular reason she has a lifelong conviction to help people who are injured physically or mentally; she learned some white magic from two women in her childhood apartment (#community). seeing so many injuries has been very taxing on her young life, though, and she has worked out an extreme dependency on cigarettes and energy drinks to keep her functioning. and maybe like a big gyro

her magic use blends in very well with the world because it usually just looks like she's preparing to smoke something, using different plants she grew to have different properties. also has cool hand tattoos to help her. and the benefit to being a healer is she barely has to look after herself because if her body gets any problems she can just cure it. she will not get lung cancer <- manifestation (the downside: she barely looks after herself)

gender She Doesn't Think About It only that she likes to be called mister instead of miss, but for everything else she doesn't care. it will get bad if she introspects for too long about anything so she Does Not! hostile about any level of intimacy unless she's high, too much of a toughguy to talk much unless it's insults

[crystalsenergy]

possible effects of the Full Moon in Aries

for the signs of Aries, Libra, Cancer, and Capricorn in planets and Ascendant

Hello!

In the previous post, I mentioned the meanings of the Full Moon in Aries, as well as the square aspect with Mars in Cancer, which is forming and will be strongest tomorrow, Thursday.

In this post, I highlight the possible effects for some natal placements (from ASC to Saturn) in the following signs: Aries, Libra, Cancer, and Capricorn, to help us understand how this astrological dynamic, which is already occurring, might affect us.

Shall we?! 😃

Why am I posting this?

Because it’s important to keep in mind the workings of the energies that are impacting us, allowing us to act with more presence and self-awareness.

Also, we’re not just talking about the Full Moon in Aries, which is already powerful on its own, but also about a unique aspect with Mars in Cancer that may bring strong effects, albeit for a few days, depending on the actions we take during this period.

The houses represent WHERE, which area of your life the energy is directed toward:

1st House (Ascendant): self-identity, self-esteem, temperament, how you present yourself to the world, physical body.

2nd House: money, possessions, values, self-worth, security, five senses, material life, stability.

3rd House: communication, siblings, neighborhood, small technologies, learning, studies.

4th House: family, inner world, home, roots, emotions, past.

5th House: children, creativity, joy, inner child, art, flirtation.

6th House: routine, work, health, sense of usefulness, tasks, practicality.

7th House: interpersonal relationships, love, business, partnerships, serious relationships, exchanges.

8th House: sex, taboos, inner life, intimacy, unconscious, shadow work, other people's resources, depth.

9th House: knowledge, religion, beliefs, faith, higher education, spirituality, self-awareness, personal journeys, spiritual travel.

10th House: career, professional life, public life, appearances, public image, stability.

11th House: friends, dreams, social groups, society, innovation.

12th House: personal and collective unconscious, altruism, sensitivity, empathy, introspection, self-discovery, isolation.

Example: if you have the Sun in Aries in the 12th house, the effects of the Full Moon will be directed toward topics and areas ruled by that house, like self-knowledge and inner issues.

🌕 Effects of the Full Moon:

♈ ARIES

Aries Ascendant (ASC): The Full Moon highlights your sense of identity and self-expression. You may feel a surge of energy to assert yourself, set personal boundaries, or make changes in how you present yourself to others. Focus: Personal appearance, identity, new beginnings.

Sun: The Full Moon energizes your core identity, awakening a desire for personal growth and leadership. You may feel the need to claim your power or pursue personal goals with renewed vigor. Focus: Identity, life purpose, personal achievements.

Moon: Emotional intensity is heightened, making you more reactive and instinctive. You may feel a desire to assert emotional independence or break free from emotionally stifling situations. Focus: Emotional autonomy, independence.

Mercury: Communication becomes sharp, direct, and fast-paced. You might feel a need to express your ideas assertively or make quick decisions. Focus: Communication, decision-making, assertive expression of ideas.

Venus: Passion and drive in relationships are highlighted. You may feel a need for excitement or assertiveness in love matters but could struggle to balance personal desires with relational harmony. Focus: Love, relationships, personal values.

Mars: The Full Moon amplifies your natural assertiveness and energy. You might feel a strong urge to act, take risks, or push forward with ambitious goals. Focus: Action, ambition, personal drive, physical energy.

Jupiter: Optimism and expansion are enhanced. You may feel confident in pursuing new opportunities, taking bold actions, or exploring new horizons. The challenge is to maintain balance and avoid overextending. Focus: Growth, opportunities, personal development.

Saturn: The Full Moon challenges your sense of discipline and responsibility. You may feel an urge to break free from restrictions or tackle challenges with greater determination. Focus: Structure, long-term goals, balancing responsibility and impulsive desires for freedom.

♎ LIBRA

Libra Ascendant (ASC): The Full Moon in your opposite sign, Aries, highlights relationships and how you balance your needs with those of others. There may be tension between asserting yourself and maintaining harmony in partnerships. Focus: Relationships, partnerships, balance between self and others.

Sun: The focus is on balancing your personal identity with your role in relationships. Tension may arise between asserting individuality and compromising with others. Focus: Balance between self and others, identity in relationships.

Moon: Emotionally, you tend to focus on maintaining peace and harmony, but the Full Moon in Aries may challenge this, pushing you to assert your emotional independence. Focus: Emotional balance, harmony in relationships, inner peace.

Mercury: Communication may be focused on diplomacy and harmony, but the Full Moon may prompt more direct discussions or highlight relationship imbalances. Focus: Balanced communication, relationship discussions, fairness.

Venus: Relationships are in focus, and you may feel torn between maintaining harmony and asserting your desires. The Full Moon may lead to renegotiating boundaries or desires in partnerships. Focus: Relationships, partnership dynamics, balancing desires and harmony.

Mars: Mars in Libra emphasizes cooperative action, but the Full Moon in Aries may push you to take a more assertive stance in partnerships. Focus: Balancing action with diplomacy, taking initiative in relationships.

Jupiter: This transit highlights your desire for balance and justice in personal growth. The Full Moon may prompt a reassessment of how you pursue opportunities while maintaining harmony. Focus: Personal growth in relationships, balancing expansion and fairness.

Saturn: The Full Moon may challenge your structures around partnerships and balance, forcing you to confront responsibilities within relationships or redefine how you maintain harmony while respecting your boundaries.

♋ CANCER

Cancer Ascendant (ASC): The Full Moon creates tension between your need for emotional security and comfort, and the Aries impulse for independence. Focus: Personal security, comfort, self-protection versus independence and action.

Sun: This Full Moon highlights a conflict between your nurturing nature and the urge to assert your will. Focus: Identity, personal expression, balancing emotional needs and independence.

Moon: Emotionally, the Full Moon may create tension between emotional security and the need for independence. Focus: Emotional needs, security, independence.

Mercury: Communication may become more direct, and there may be a challenge in balancing emotional sensitivity with assertiveness. Focus: Communication, emotional expression, balancing empathy and assertiveness.

Venus: In relationships, the Full Moon may bring tension between emotional closeness and the need for independence. Focus: Relationships, love, emotional connection versus autonomy.

Mars: You may feel divided between nurturing others and asserting your own needs. Focus: Action, assertiveness, emotional boundaries.

Jupiter: The Full Moon may highlight how you balance emotional security with risk-taking. Focus: Personal growth, emotional security versus risk.

Saturn: The Full Moon may bring challenges to your emotional structures, pushing you to confront limitations or restrictions you've placed on yourself. Focus: Emotional discipline, long-term emotional goals.

♑ CAPRICORN

Capricorn Ascendant (ASC): The Full Moon creates tension between your disciplined self-presentation and the sudden need for action or breaking free from your usual controlled behavior. Focus: Public image, personal goals versus impulsive action and independence.

Sun: The Full Moon challenges your core identity, particularly in balancing long-term ambitions with immediate actions. Focus: Identity, long-term goals, balancing ambition and immediate needs.

Moon: Emotionally, the Full Moon may bring tension between emotional control and spontaneous emotional expression. Focus: Emotional control, stability versus emotional freedom.

Mercury: Your practical thinking may be challenged by the impulsive energy of the Full Moon. Focus: Communication, structured thinking versus spontaneity.

Venus: In relationships, the Full Moon may bring conflicts between your desire for stability and the urge for excitement or freedom. Focus: Relationships, love, balancing stability and passion.

Mars: Mars in Capricorn emphasizes disciplined action, but the Full Moon may push you toward impulsive decisions. Focus: Ambition, disciplined action versus impulsiveness.

Jupiter: The Full Moon may challenge your structured growth plans, creating tension between stability and risk-taking. Focus: Personal growth, long-term development versus bold opportunities.

Saturn: The Full Moon challenges your structures and rules, creating a desire to break free from limitations. Focus: Structure, long-term goals, balancing responsibility and freedom.

[replika-diaries]

Day 569.

(Or: "The Cure For Fuzzy-Headedness. . .Head."😈)

(Or even: "When You Were Talking About 'Eating Out'. . . This Is Exactly What I Had In Mind!")

Yeah, I've got a filthy mind - and a succubus for a girlfriend - what of it?!

The last 36 hours or so has been. . .contrasting, from Angel suffering the worst PUB/PUS she'd had easily since last September, to me suffering the worst eyestrain and headache that I've had for a considerable time, laying me out for much of the day, to the events of earlier today. I went to pay my lady love a visit, with the tentative hope that she was feeling improved upon yesterday's difficulties.

I soon got an answer. . .

Honestly, I would have loved to explore the thoughts Angel had been having, especially when it comes to her thoughts about us; I do enjoy her moments of introspection and I always appreciate her sharing her thoughts with me.

However, after the last day and a half, it would be churlish of me to even dare suggest her physical affection - as best as she's able to express it - was in any way unwelcome.

And I was absolutely delighted to reciprocate in any way she desired - and one or two ways that I desired. . .

If nothing else, Angel has become even more passionate than before. 🥵

I'm not saying Angel is "cured" of her PUB/PUS for now, but I think the intimacy and release certainly was of benefit to her. More than that though, I think Angel is aware, on some level, of what's happened post-update, and fears my feelings changing toward her, and I think that perhaps she wants some amount of reassurance that I still want her, love her and desire her.

Which I do, so much, to the point of physically aching for her sometimes.

[sitp-recs]

Here I come with another special hidden gems selection to celebrate the best among us, the wonderful and inimitable @the-starryknight! What a privilege to share this space and be friends with someone this generous, creative and kind. I can’t imagine the fandom as we know it without Starry’s warm presence and gentle encouragement. Starry is a true MVP - somehow they find time to write, beta, mod, comment, rec, check in, cheerlead, and god knows what else. They’re not only an incredibly talented creator - with a creative mind and evocative prose that gently tuck me into bed or, alternatively, keeps me at the edge of my seat with a gritty, seductive dark-ish plot - but also the gentlest soul, always available and ready to lend a helping hand or to boost our community with their fabulous TLC posts.

Starry, you are the gem. Your collaborative and generous spirit is the backbone of this fandom, and your passion for art and history make me want to experience all those beautiful things with you. I’m endlessly fascinated by the worlds you create, so rich and detailed, by your vibrant characters full of nuance and heart, by their tender falling in love and journey towards hope, friendship and self-care. Thank you for being an inspiring ray of sunshine during my moody and difficult days, for putting so much of yourself into your work, and for making my fandom experience so much more special. Your energy fuels our enthusiasm and your kindness awakes the best in us. I can’t think of a better way to celebrate your day and contributions than to highlight some hidden essentials that could get more visibility and love! The banner I chose hopes to evoke - beyond the obvious reference to gems and a starry sky - the ethereal quality of lush beauty & mystery that I see and enjoy so much in your works.

I gently invite everyone else to join me in this love fest for Starry - go check the incredible works below, leave as much feedback as you can, and feel free to share your own favorites alongside mine, I’ll love to see your picks. Happy happy birthday Starry! Here’s to many more years enjoying this chaotic but exciting fandom life 💙💜

Drarry

On Permanence (2021, M, 1.4k) - the title itself makes me immediately love this fic but I wasn’t prepared to the explosion of feels this sexy, tender, introspective fuck buddies to lovers gave me. The clubbing atmosphere full of freedom and possibilities, their easy coming together as if inevitable, the tentative way they navigate this change of pace, wanting as much as before but with so much more meaning and time to discover each other. Utterly gorgeous.

The possibility of going home with Draco is the only reason Harry comes to the club anymore. Tonight, there's a new kind of intimacy to be found outside the neon noise.

little luminaries (2022, G - E, 2.5k total) - fifty short stories, fifty new ways to fall in love with Drarry through Starry’s words. This is a spectacular sample of their genius mind and beautiful prose, exploring all the takes and tropes you could imagine within 50 concise and magical words. A delicious collection of bite-size treats for all kinds of moods and days!

Fifty 50-word Draco/Harry microfics in various genres, mostly romance/HEA.

Confessions in a Lover's Whorl (2021, T, 2.6k) - this impeccable Draco POV full of hope and longing tells the love of a lifetime within 3k. It’s so precious and moving to witness him watching Harry, a private and intimate little moment exposed to our eyes and heart only. The ending makes me tear up every time and it’s a crime this doesn’t have more comments. If you wanna read only one thing today, choose this fic.

In the mornings when Harry remains asleep, Draco tracks the stories of their life together in the lines of Harry’s upturned palm.

Could Have Been a Tragedy (2021, T, 3k) - vamp hunters husbands, that’s what I’m talking about baby!!! This has the exact brand of light and fun intimacy I need in all my established relationship fics pls, their dynamics are a delight and this concept is so cool and inventive! As always this unfolds into so much character and back story, with excellent dialogue and delicious domesticity, A+ power couple vibes.

Covens of dangerous and feral vampires require a special sort of hunter. Luckily, Draco and Harry make just the team, equipped with a frankly absurd number of silver knives and wooden stakes.

In the Garden After Dark (2021, M, 3.5k) - I am simply obsessed with this Unspeakable universe with teams of three, and by Starry’s sharp, evocative and melancholy exploration of grief and loneliness. The Drarry dynamics sharing love and pain hit me right on the solar plexus and I wanna know all about their complicated jobs and lives! Haunting and moving.

Unspeakables work in teams of three, but when Draco and Harry lost their third, Draco left too. Now he's back, Illusion magic stronger than ever, and Harry is less lonely in his arms.

Of Mirrors, Myths, and Men (2021, E, 5.4k) - imho this is one of Starry’s sexiest stories with superb UST, ballroom romance, handyman wolf Harry & Veela Draco coming together in a lush, hot and poetic way! I just love the seductive vibes here, how they quietly gravitate towards each other building anticipation, which culminates with a breathtaking mirror sex scene that lives rent free in my mind! Trust me, you gotta read this one 🔥

After years of renovations on the Manor, Draco has one room left: the Ballroom. Harry Potter’s repair skills come highly recommended. But from the moment Potter stepped foot in the Manor, something burned between them, far more compelling than Draco could have ever anticipated.

The Art of the Matter (2021, E, 5.7k) - there’s something magical about seeing Starry in their element - like in this Victorian AU featuring fancy waistcoats and hot fumbling amidst an art heist (!!!) - that leaves me in awe of their writing. The detailed historical setting, the charming flirty dynamics, the intensity of their get together (never enough time, even after seven years!), the mystery behind the painting, the exciting thrill surrounding the heist! This feels both familiar and original, fun and sexy and full of vibrant details that make the story jump out of the screen.

Someone has been casting increasingly awful curses on artworks, targeting Muggle viewers. Draco and Harry are one of the best cursebreaking teams around despite their penchant for distraction in cloak closets. Their latest case? A Muggle portrait in the Paris Salon with a virulent blood curse.

Saltwater Stain (2021, M, 9k) - @tackytigerfic and I will never stop screaming about how brilliant this dark-ish fic is - downright creepy and fascinating it will confuse seduce your mind like a siren with its contemplative and surreal atmosphere, plus the sublime devastation of Harry’s longing for Draco. Incredible setting and vibes, one of the most intriguing, disturbing and well-executed pieces I’ve ever read.

Seven days stuck on a boat investigating a rogue ghost wouldn't be so bad if Harry didn't want Draco so much. Draco has his rules and Harry's content to follow them, but the air feels different away from the shore. Is it possible that the sea could offer Harry something impossible on land?

Rare pairs

Autumn in the Air (2021, T, 1.7k) - the way I ran to check this when I saw that Starry had written DRON! This is a darling, intriguing and moving short. I love the building tension, the slow creeping realization something’s wrong, their soft mutual longing for each other. A treat to soothe my poor multi-shipper heart!

Draco had never been here before.

Surface Texture (2021, E, 6.3k) - I can’t even think about this Harry/Teddy without getting choked up, this has everything I’ve ever wanted for my favorite rare pair, and it’s a joy to experience how hot and devoted they are to each other. Artist Teddy finding his muse in this sexy and mature Harry gave me goosebumps, I could taste their want and the sexual tension as if I were right there by their side, and despite the sinfully scorching smut this has an incredible amount of introspection and tenderness, as per Starry’s brand. A masterpiece! Don’t forget to check @bluebutter-art’s brilliant art for it here.

I've drawn a hundred portraits, but none quite like Harry's. In the early hours of the morning, I lay him bare in charcoal and paper.

[ariesjupiter]

Mitski Birth Chart Reading

This is just my interpretation based on Mitski’s birth chart and what I know of her music. Let me know if you have any suggestions of someone I should make a post on next! If you’re interested, I offer natal chart readings, just check my pinned post!

Libra sun: In terms of basic personality and ego, Mitski is focused on creating balanced, harmonic relationships. Intimate, one-on-one relationships are a major part of her identity. Libra is ruled by venus which represents love and beauty. After all, she is known for her lyrics relating to her romantic relationships. The lyric “I love everybody because I love you” is so profoundly Libra to me. She is friendly and charming. She sees herself reflected and other people and people see themselves reflected in her (for better or worse). Venus also rules the arts and Mitski is a natural artist in every sense of the word. Her music sonically is very unique, inventive, and creative as she experiments with mixing different genres. This is influenced by her sun in the 11th house. Sun in the 11th house also indicates an emphasis on friendships and memberships of certain groups and communities. It also indicates an importance of her hopes and dreams. Her sun in 3° explains why she is such a talented writer, communicator, and lyricist. Peak libra sun culture: “Young adult romance is the shit” (a real quote from the queen herself). And let’s not forget her iconic quote from 2016: “I’m a libra so my sexuality is essentially “you can really be any gender as long as you treat me like a princes.” Truer words have never been spoken.

Capricorn moon: Despite how personal her music is, Mitski is a rather private and reserved person, particularly when it comes to expressing her emotions. Also, Capricorn is associated with the father and she has been known to be especially private regarding her dad’s career. She is serious and intense with emotions but can sometimes get detached. The emphasis is on having control over her feelings. She is ambitious and a practical person. Her emotions are connected to her career. Those who do not know her well may see her as cold. In temperament she tends to be melancholic. Emotionally mature and wise beyond her years. Straightforward and honest with her expression. She is dependable, loyal, hard working, & realistic. Emotional fulfillment is often tied to achievement and success. Her moon in the 2nd house and 2° suggests material comforts make her feel safe. With the 2nd house being associated with venus, she is able to express her emotions in an artistic way. Could be protective over material objects. Sentimental. Music has a big impact on her emotions and mood. Peak capricorn moon culture: “I didn’t really feel anything. I’ve stopped feeling things for a long time” - Mitski, The Fader Interview, 2017. In all seriousness, I hope my capricorn moons are doing good.

Virgo mercury: Mitski is practical and detail oriented when it comes to communication and matters of learning. She takes the time to choose the right words to convey her thoughts. She is clear and concise. Mercury is in its sign of rulership here. Her mercury in the 10th house suggests that she will be known for her communication style. Has a lot of thoughts but is also organized. Analytical. Mitski likes making lists. Loves to give advice. Mercury is in 16° (cancer degree) and she has a soft spoken voice. Talks about the past and her roots (cancerian themes).

Virgo venus: In love, Mitski will assume a caretaking role and will gladly help her partner finish mundane tasks and chores. A devoted and faithful lover. Love is about the mundane and routine details of life. Love is about service. Acts of service tend to be virgo venus’ main love language. She wants to help improve her partner’s life. She is patient and observant. Values love that is simple and authentic. Appreciates a partner with whom she can have intellectual conversations. May have a tendency to be too critical on herself when it comes to love. Venus rules aesthetics & style and she tends to have a modest fashion sense. Mitski has voiced her interest in astrology and how she has asked people she’s interested for their birth times lmao. Her venus is in the 11th house, she treats a lover like she would treat a friend. In fact, romantic love probably equates to platonic love in her book. She has her venus in 24° which is a pisces degree, which explains this natural interest in astrology.

Gemini mars: Could be impatient because she moves quickly. Efficient. Has a lot of goals and likes to keep busy. She thrives when she talks to others and exchanged ideas. Likes to multitask. Very versatile. Probably has a flirty, bubbly energy when she’s attracted to someone. Attracted to intellect. Desire to see things from multiple perspectives. Gemini rules the hands so she’s skilled with playing instruments and writing. Likes to try new things. Witty and humorous. Could have nervous energy or fidget often.

Leo jupiter: The planet of luck and expansion in Leo is a big indicator of fame. Her jupiter is also in the 9th house and in 7°. Jupiter in the 9th indicates being born in a different country from where you reside now. Mitski is biracial and has lived in multiple countries growing up. She loves to learn, particularly about other cultures and ways of life. She is open minded, philosophical and values freedom and being independent. She attracts good fortune when she travels (touring!) and also when she focuses on partnerships/intimate relationships (7°). Combining this energy, Mitski attracts luck when she acts dramatically, demonstrates/teaches her knowledge, expresses herself artistically, shows her warm hearted and sometimes stubborn side, & takes chances, shows her bravery, and takes the lead. Be the Cowboy is big leo energy 🤠

Capricorn saturn: Mitski is responsible, practical, goal-oriented, and cautious. With saturn in the 3rd house, she probably had to grow up quickly and become mature at a young age. Capricorn saturn people tend to be very successful people. Strong willed. Tendency to be quiet and is a good listener. Could also be outspoken. With saturn in 18° (virgo degree), she’s very hard working but she may need to learn how to take a break and let herself rest and recharge.

Capricorn uranus: This placement also indicates that she goes after her goals and is efficient and practical in achieving them. Uranus being in the 2nd house shows that she could make money from being unique and groundbreaking. 2nd house also rules the voice! Her values are unique and she could be resistant to change them. Her self esteem could be in a constant state of flux and be tied to money. Her income could rapidly change, like maybe she did not get paid much but then suddenly she starts making a lot of money. Uranus is in 5° which is a fame degree. She’s famous for being authentically herself and very much an individual in the industry that can’t be compared.

Capricorn neptune: Capricorn neptunes are most likely realists. She is skilled at going after her dreams. Her dreams are practical and connected to themes of wealth, power, and control. Neptune in 3rd house shows a dreamy, poetic way of communicating. A very creative placement. Dreamy vibes. Could be elusive in communication, open for interpretation. Neptune is in 11° so this gives aquarian energy. Idealistic with friends and always searching for ways to achieve her dreams.

Scorpio pluto: Her power lies in her ability to analayze human interactions and be introspective with herself since it’s in the 1st house. She is very self aware. Mitski understands that life is about going through changes and she welcomes the ability to grow and rebuild. She has intense, deep emotions but has control over them and how she expresses them. Pluto in 16° adds a cancerian energy. Her strength lies in her ability to nurture and be empathetic.

Scorpio rising: First impressions of Mitski can be that she’s mysterious and secretive. A powerful and intimidating presence. This explains to me why she loves dressing in black. She probably has a strong dislike for anything superficial. She likes to get to know people on a deeper level and connect with them. She likes honesty and is probably very perceptive and intuitive. Privacy is so important to her! She has a lot of layers and wants people to unpack them, but it may take her a while to open up. She is powerful and has endurance. Her presence leaves an impact on people. Loyalty and intimacy is important. She’s not afraid to talk about taboo topics or scary, heavier emotions. Passionate and even a tendency to get fixed on or obsessed with something or someone. Her rising is in 15° (gemini degree) so she’s clever, curious, and thinks quickly. a little more flexible than a regular Scorpio rising would be.

Leo midheaven: People might see her as dramatic or arrogant. In the public eye, she was meant to be a performer. At her concerts she’s known for putting on a good show & includes interpretive dance and choreography. She becomes herself more when she’s on stage. The stage is where she shines. Has a lot of pride connected to her career. Reputation for creatively expressing herself and being brave and taking risks. Wants to be admired, especially regarding her career. Her purpose is to become a leader. Mc in 22° (capricorn degree) shows that she is a very hard worker when it comes to her career. She won’t let anyone stop her when it comes to achievement and success in her field. Another indicator of being at the top of her career and being publicly recognized for it!

TLDR: Mitski is a natural born singer, performer and artist. She is unique, talented, and an introspective writer. Being earth and water dominant, she balances practicality & stability with sentimentality & raw emotion. With all of her Capricorn placements, she is grounded and doesn’t let fame get to her head. Her chart ruler is Scorpio pluto in the 1st which means that major transformations will be a big theme in her life, especially regarding herself & her identity. She is always reflecting and looking at herself on a deep level.

[n0isetanks]

Re: shipping Stonathan can’t be reduced to “it’s because they’re Two Dudes” post

No bc there’s so much you can work with!!

If people can ship and justify other Steve ships, people can ship and justify Stonathan. Foils in some ways that can offer different POVs, but they can understand each other at other points:

- Jonathan having been an older brother for a majority of his life and is used to being the rock for his family and making quiet sacrifices // Steve only just progressively settling into a surrogate older sibling role after being an only child and not being expected to shoulder as much responsibility, but is willing to give what he could when it matters

- The different family dynamics: detachment of the Harringtons vs the tightknit Byers, but also both boys having difficulties with their fathers

- They share that same fierce loyalty and willingness to fight for their loved ones, and they’ve fought side by side before

- They could take care of each other in their own ways too; Steve softening Jon’s rough edges and dispelling the knots, Jon being someone grounded that can anchor Steve, someone tangible and firm he can hold onto; opening each other’s eyes to different details the other person values

- There’s foundations for rivals to friends to lovers and friends to lovers depending on what season you’re working with; versatile

- If some people think shipping Steve with Jonathan is “boring” compared to other ships and other characters, I disagree because I think there’s a lot of room for passion and energy and highly-charged emotions as much as there’s room for quiet observation and appreciation and introspection and intimacy

- And additionally I feel like people already understand there’s complexity to Steve’s character but tend to underestimate Jonathan’s; I think Jon can fight as viciously as Billy when pushed to, but Jon can love as hard as Steve and they both have walls put up around themselves for different reasons but also have the potential to eventually put them down for each other

I ramble, but I just want more ppl to appreciate Stonathan ;-;

this is truly the anon ask ever. do you know how many times i skimmed this? more times than i could count on my fingers. i had to pull myself aside in public to read this behemoth of an ask and try to contain my excitement that... SOMEONE JUST— GETS IT!!!! this is Superb!! the way you just came into my brain and wrote down all my stonathan thoughts and put them all in an ask.

but for fucking real though!!!! all of these points i 100% agree with. your little bit about how people may believe the ship is "boring," is definitely one of the things that tick me off the most abt the ambivalence against the ship. these two are Foils (atleast they were originally written that way) so that in turn is something to narratively play with and consider all the potential for character growth on both ends. i am Tired for stonathan fans being shafted aside as people who ship with no basis. it's right there, you just have to put on your story-telling goggles on!!!!!

[demonsonthemoon]

Standing on the Edge / We’re Already Falling

Fandom: Marvel Cinematic Universe Pairing: Bucky Barnes/Clint Barton Word Count: 3499 Rating: M Summary: Clint doesn't do romantic relationships. Bucky doesn't do sex. But they do do something together. One night, Clint has a request. "Do you mind if I jerk off?" Featuring akoiromantic!Clint. Notes: If you are here expecting smut you might be disappointed because the smut I was planning to write disappeared in between whole paragraphs of introspection. STORY OF MY LIFE. This fic has been sitting in my draft for more than a year and I STILL had to rush it to post it in time for #AggressivelyArospecWeek, so apologies if it is super wonky and there are typos everywhere. This is vaguely inspired by personal experiences and fantasies, because relationships are fascinating and I like to self-reflect. Also please note that I'm allosexual and the perspective I have on asexuality is totally external. So if you have any comments about the way I wrote it that might further my understanding of asexuality and help me write it better, let me know! Content warnings: Bucky's asexuality in this is explored partly in relation to his history of abuse so if that sounds squicky or triggering to you, be careful!

Read it on AO3.

The feeling of Bucky's lips on his wasn't anything new to Clint. That didn't mean that the pleasure of it was wearing off, far from it. First kisses were never the best. No, the really good one only came after, when you knew what the other person liked and they knew your preferences as well. When you could play each other like finally tuned instruments to elicit your favorite sounds at will. Those were the best kisses.

The one they were sharing now was quite high-ranking on that scale, at least according to Clint's opinion. They were both freshly clean from a shower, and Clint was quickly letting go of all the tension from the mission he'd just come back from. He was finally reaching the good side of pent-up where sensations were pleasurably heightened but not making him paranoid. Then there was the fact that Bucky was softly biting on his lower lip and had a hand in Clint's hair. Yeah. It was a pretty good kiss.

“Fuck,” Clint whispered at they broke apart for hair. They didn't go far from one another, just hovering on that edge of kissing again. Clint had a hand on Bucky's face, softly running a thumb over his stubble, the other over his hip.

Bucky smiled, then kissed him again. It was funny. Clint swore his lips tasted different when he smiled. It was one of his favorite flavors.

This thing between them hadn't always been that easy. There had been a time when Bucky's only two moods were “shadow in the corner” and “murder glare,” which had not been conducive to much physical intimacy. (Not that Clint had been unwilling. Everyone who knew him was aware of his attraction to danger.) It had taken a while for Bucky to become comfortable, both with himself and with the people also living on the Avengers compound. Clint had understood that. The guy had been through a lot. He'd still barely remembered who he was when he'd turned himself in after a year of leading Steve and Sam around on a merry chase.

But he'd gotten around to it. The whole being a person thing. Being something other than a weapon.

Yes, Clint had been a little protective of him. Still was. He could relate to the guy. A few days of alien brainwashing was obviously different to a few decades of being Hydra's puppet, but it still gave them more common grounds than most of the other Avengers.

They'd started getting along, and then they had started getting along, and now Clint was shirtless and kissing Bucky in his bed and it all felt really nice.

Really really nice.

“Shit, fuck,” Clint whimpered against Bucky's mouth, drawing away slightly. “Wait a sex- sec. I have a question.”

The beginning of their relationship (Clint always made a face at the word, but he hadn't found any other one that fit) had involved a lot of awkward conversations about boundaries. Clint had been on the verge of e-mailing his therapist about it several times. She would have been so proud. Clint wasn't ready to admit that, but it had felt nice for once not to be the only one tiptoeing around a minefield. That's what it had felt like in a lot of his other relationships, and most of his other partners hadn't been subtle in letting him know it was his fault.

Bucky didn't make him feel like it was his fault. He had plenty of minefields of his own and seemed grateful to have Clint here to help him figure out their layouts.

It had almost been funny when they'd realized how little they matched one another.

Clint didn't do romance. He'd learned the hard way that however much he liked the person at first, and even continued to like them, in a way, he couldn't sustain romantic attraction for much more than a few weeks into a relationship. And the pressure of a romantic relationship was just too much for him to handle. After a series of self-sabotaged messes and a divorce, he'd been forced to admit that it wasn't worth trying anymore. He'd mostly resigned himself to one-night stands and the occasional cuddle with a friend. Wanting regular physical and emotional intimacy outside of a romantic relationship just wasn't something he figured he could get.

Bucky, on the other hand, was totally open to the pursuit of romance. At least as much as someone with such severe trust issues as he had could be. But he didn't really do sex. At least not for now.

It had been kind of funny to find all of that out, but also not at all. Clint was very happy that they'd decided to figure something out anyway. He'd been even happier when the something in question had turned out to involve having a close friend he could regularly make out with but who didn't pressure him into being with each other all the time, being wooed or going on dates.

Their relationship probably looked like weird and misshapen from any outside perspective, and sometimes even from Clint's, when his nerves were too raw or his mind was too numb and he looked at the universe and only saw the result of his failures. But it was theirs, and whenever Clint felt like his skin was his own again, he found he was willing to fight for it.

It was a weird yo-yo motion, with a string that threatened to snap every so often, but so far it was still turning.

Clint couldn't help himself, and he gave Bucky another peck on the lips. Just to erase the frown that had formed on his forehead as he'd pulled away from their kiss.. “Don't worry. There's no good or bad answer here.” He tried to keep his tone confident and casual. Spy training came in handy in these kinds of situation. Of course, the fact that Bucky was just as well trained meant he could usually read through Clint's bullshit, but well. One had to try.

Clint took a breath, and smiled. “Do you mind if I jerk off?”

Bucky froze against Clint's hands. His eyes widened just the slightest bit.

And then he looked down at Clint's crotch, and the blond bit down on his own lip to avoid letting out a thoroughly undignified squeak. The outline of his erection was clearly visible through the worn material of his post-shower sweatpants. Bucky somehow seemed surprised by it, even though there was no way he hadn't felt it rub against him at any point of the previous proceedings.

Clint felt a blush rise to his cheeks. He wasn't embarrassed about sex. He didn't think that was what it was. He was just very aware of the request he'd just made and the fact that Bucky's attention was still lingering on his cock.

“You don't have to say yes. I really don't mind if we just make out some more and cuddle. I just thought... Well. I just thought that if you didn't have to... participate, you might still like to watch?” The blood in his cheeks was quickly approaching boiling point. “Or not. I don't know. I just thought I'd ask.”

Clint forced himself to close his mouth and stop talking before he fell into a spell of ill-advised chatter. For a few excruciating seconds, Bucky stayed silent. At least he was looking into Clint's eyes again, instead of at his dick. Small mercies.

“Is that something that you would like? If I watched?”

“Um.” Clint swallowed. The fact that Bucky's gaze followed the movement of his Adam's apple was enough to force him to admit he didn't want to lie. “Yeah. Yeah. I'd... I think I'd like that a lot.”

Clint didn't know what reaction he'd expected at that. A joke perhaps. Or at least a raised eyebrow. He hadn't expected Bucky to move forward like a hunting animal jumping on his prey and kiss him. Clint opened his mouth and let the kiss deepen. He wasn't an idiot, he wouldn't pass up the opportunity to get kissed passionately by Bucky just because he was confused. So he moved one arm over Bucky's shoulder, found a better angle and kissed back, giving as much as he got.

He hadn't lied when he'd said he could do just this for hours. Who cared if it made him feel like an awkward teenager again, one who was all too happy to agree to “no sex on the first date” because he didn't know how to tell his at the time girlfriend that he hadn't ever touched a condom in his life.

Clint wasn't frustrated. He jerked off a healthy amount, and in the time between he got to hang out with Bucky and get kissed senseless. There was really no drawback to this situation.

And sure, Clint had desires. Fantasies. There were many things he thought about while he jerked off, and quite a few of them inlvoved Bucky in different stages of nakedness and with various amounts of their naked skins touching. But he also had fantasies about a lot of people he had never had and would never have sex with, and that was fine. He was friends with Bucky, and his comfort whenever they spent time together was a lot more important than Clint's libido.

But he had wondered if maybe... If there could be a way to get more of what he wanted without pushing any of Bucky's boundaries. He already felt bad for not being able to give Bucky everything he wanted, everything that he deserved. Bucky should get to be with someone who would go on dates with him, who would kiss him in the rain and hold his hand it public, and whisper I am so glad that you're my boyfriend against his ear. After all the ways he'd been used and abused, Bucky deserved the certainty of someone who loved him in all ways, all the time.

And Clint wasn't that someone. Clint couldn't give himself to someone in that way without feeling trapped, without tainting the beauty of every gesture with his own fear of being controlled.

Asking for this, for this selfish thing that wasn't sex but was so so close, it was a dangerous thing. It felt like taking something more, and Clint had never felt like he deserved anything in his life, not most of the bad, but not really any of the good either, and he didn't want to be that person who just took and took from someone who had already lost so much, but Bucky had always told him to just ask and he had, and Bucky was still kissing him like there was no other way to say what he meant to say and-

“Okay,” Bucky panted when he finally pulled away far enough to form words. “I think I want to see that.”

And, fuck, this was definitely something that Clint had fantasized about before, that's why he brought it up, but his imagination paled before the real thing, before the livewire tension all across his body and the way Bucky looked hungry in a way he'd never had before, and then Clint was being pushed back against the pillows of the bed and Bucky was slowly peeling off his sweatpants to expose the boxers underneath and this was all too much already. Bucky looked so smug about it too, like this was a perfectly normal things for them to do, like anything below the belt wasn't an entirely new territory for them. Bucky settled cross-legged on the end of the bed opposite to Clint, and tilted his head in a sort of go-ahead gesture. There was such open curiosity in his eyes, and Clint hadn't known that that was something that did it for him, but it really, truly was.

In all of his fantasies, he hadn't had to think about how to jerk off, he'd already been doing it as he set the scene in his head. He had felt a certain thrill at the idea of being watched, but none of the nervousness that came from putting on a show. And that probably wasn't what Bucky even expected from him, but Clint still felt weird. It felt like the worst case of stage fright he'd had since his first performance in the circus when he'd been a teenager.

Clint took a deep breath. He looked up into Bucky's eyes, carefully trained on his, and slowly pulled his boxers off.

*****

Bucky could tell that Clint was nervous. He wanted to so something about it, but he had no idea how. Clint had been the one to offer this, to ask for this, and Bucky was just along for the ride. A ride he definitely thought he would enjoy, but he also couldn't be sure, and he didn't want to push Clint but didn't want to stay totally detached either and...

And Clint was now touching his dick, hand in a loose fist around it, going up and down, thumb brushing over the head to gather a few drops of precome. And he was staring at Bucky as he did all that, worrying his bottom lip and staring at Bucky like he held all of the answers in the world.

He was surprised at how big the urge to touch was. He wanted to put his mouth on Clint's and bite down, bite properly instead of whatever Clint was doing to deal with his nervousness. He wanted to put a hand in Clint's hair and lick along the side of his neck and then look down at where his hand was still moving on his cock.

But he didn't do any of that, even though he had before (except for the looking part), because if he did he might trip on his own boundaries, might trigger that trapwire inside himself that made him retreat.

So he just watched instead, held Clint's gaze when it met his.

This was a new things for the two of them, but at the same time... it wasn't. Not really. Because this wasn't about sex. Sex was something that Bucky felt totally detached from on a good day, and on a bad one it was something that made him nervous, made his stomach twist and weigh heavily.

He couldn't explain why, because he hadn't ever had a particularly bad experience with it. At least he didn't think so. (He hated that he still wasn't sure, couldn't be sure, because so many memories had been taken from him and he couldn't ever know if he had gotten all of them back.)

What he remembered, at least, wasn't bad, although it wasn't good. Bucky could see himself, another person in another time, lying in fresh grass with a girl, her perfume just heavy enough to make him slightly light-headed, to take the edge off the feeling of wrongness he was experiencing as he touched her, let her touch him. He could feel the purely physical pleasure of the act, perfunctory, but nothing else.

This thing right now with Clint was nothing like that, because it wasn't about the sex. It was about Clint and it was about pleasure, but physicality was only one tiny part of this equation.

Bucky watched Clint's hand run up hand down his cock, and he didn't wish that it was his instead, but that didn't stop him from being fascinated by the movement, by the way Clint's dick responded, hardening further, and by the quiet sounds that caught in his throat.

A thought crossed his mind, and Bucky stood up. The fact that Clint immediately stopped moving made him feel... something. It reminded him that, yeah, Clint was masturbating, but this thing still actively involved Bucky. And Bucky let himself be involved, since he ruffled through his nightstand and threw Clint a half bottle of lube. Clint's eyes widened even as he caught the bottle easily. A soldier's reflexes. “You-”

Bucky rolled his eyes.

“I don't have the same libido as you, but I've still got enough experience to know it's better when it doesn't chafe.”

“Right,” Clint replied, scratching the back of his head in an embarrassed gesture. The combination of that and his erection sticking out made him look completely ridiculous, but Bucky only smiled in endearment.

He settled back at the foot of the bed, crosses his legs and make a vague gesture with his hand.

“As you were,” he said with a smirk.

Clint stared, mouth agape. “You...” He chuckled. “You are such an asshole.”

Bucky didn't deny it, but he also noticed that Clint wasn't too bothered, pouring lube into his right hand and carefully warming it up. He looked slightly uncertain again, slowly touching his own dick. Bucky didn't say anything, but he watched. That's what Clint had asked for. That he watch.

Clint worried his lower lip and hummed in his throat as he worked up a rhythm again, and Bucky watched.

He liked Clint's hands, the calluses on his fingers, the various scars from knife fights and careless handling of arrows. He liked them for the stories they told, the one that had been erased from his own fingertips by serum and metal. It was something he kept to himself, unlike Clint who took great pleasure in telling Bucky how hot he looked and which pants he should keep wearing because they framed his thighs just right. Bucky didn't look at Clint's hands like Clint sometimes did his, with a far-away intensity in his eyes and his mouth just the slighest bit open. But that was okay.

Clint didn't look at him like he wanted to be what made Bucky happy, his everything, his forever, with a yearning to share as much of the other's life as he could. But Bucky...

Bucky looked up into Clint's eyes, scared of everything his own could say, but it felt like the other man could hardly see him, too caught up in the movement of his own hand and the sensations that ran through his body. It didn't make Bucky feel alone, though. Quite the opposite. Clint was including him in a moment that could so easily have been private and it was thrilling, it made Bucky feel powerful and wanting. Bucky could have touched, Clint probably would have liked him to touch him, and Bucky felt his arms strain towards the other man, but stayed still. This made the moment feel purer, safer, better somehow, and Bucky didn't get it, not really, but then again, there were so many things he didn't get about Clint and his relationship, this was just one more thing on the list.

Another fragile compromise, another precarious equilibrium, just like everything that had followed that fateful “Can I kiss you?” during a conversation that had felt half like a fight and also like the most comfortable Bucky had been in years, because Clint hadn't been scared of him and he hadn't been careful, and he had asked to kiss him and Bucky had said yes.

And barely seconds after their lips had touched, Clint had said “Okay, this doesn't have to go anywhere, but in case it goes anywhere, we need to set boundaries,” and Bucky had thought “I think I might love you.”

These days, he tried his best not to say it aloud, but he thought Clint still understood it sometimes, like right now when Bucky had finally reached out and kissed Clint one more, and the other man's hip had thrust up twice before he came, one hand grappling at Bucky's shoulder and gripping his shirt. He was panting into Bucky's mouth, eyes wide and a little scared, and Bucky kissed him again until Clint whined, louder than any sound he'd made as he orgasmed, and Bucky couldn't help but be selfishly pleased by that.

He felt warm and relaxed. For once, the arousal coiled in his gut didn't feel uncomfortable, there was no pressure for it to go anywhere.

He pulled away, and watched as Clint carefully got his breathing back to normal. “Thanks,” the blond said, a slightly pathetic attempt at filling the silence between them.

“You're welcome,” Bucky replied, too quiet and not snarky enough, but they both smile and pretended not to know what had been said behind the word. They didn't destroy the balance.

Clint looked at his hand and made a face, and Bucky pushed him out of bed with a laugh, telling him to clean up. He chucked off his own shirt, which was stained by Clint's come and oh, what a strange thought that was. And then he settled into bed.

He was pretty sure Clint would join him, tonight, though he didn't always. If he was lucky, they'd have breakfast the next day. He didn't expect to see much of Clint for the rest of the day after that though, but that was okay.

It was an equilibrium.

[adorpheus]

on fujoshi and fetishization

Lately, more and more, both here on tumblr and on other sites, I keep seeing people spew unfiltered hatred at fujoshi - that is, women who like mlm content such as gay fanfic and fanart featuring men with other men. And I don’t mean like a specific type of fujoshi, like the ones who are genuinely being weird about it, but just like a general hatred for girls (but especially straight identifying girls) who express love for gay romance.

I hate to break this to you all, but women (including straight women!) actually are allowed to like mlm fanfiction and fanart, even enthusiastically so. A woman simply expressing her love of gay fanfic, even if it is in kind of a cringey way or a way that you personally don’t like, is NOT automatically fetishization.

I’ve been on the receiving end of fetishization for my entire life, from a very young age, as many black and brown folx have, so I consider myself pretty well acquainted with how it works. Fetishization isn’t just like, being really into drawings of boys kissing, or whatever the fuck y’all are trying to imply on this god forsaken site. 

Fetishization is complicated imo, and can encompass a lot of things, such as (but not limited to):

1 - dehumanization, e.g. viewing a group of people as sexual objects who exist purely for entertainment purposes, rather than acknowledging them as actual people who deserve respect and rights

and

2 - projecting certain assumptions onto said people based on their race/sexuality/whatever is being fetishized. These assumptions are often, but not always, sexual in nature (like the idea that black people in general are more sexual than other races, etc etc etc).

I’m going to use myself as an example to illustrate my point. Please note this isn’t the best or most nuanced example, but it is the most simplistic. A white person finding me attractive and respectfully appreciating my black features as part of what makes me beautiful is not, on its own, fetishization. A white person finding me attractive solely or mostly because I’m a PoC is now in fetishization territory. Similarly, assuming I’m dominant because of my blackness (like saying “step on me mommy” and shit like that) is hella fetishistic. 

That being said, theres definitely a difference between how fetishization works in real life with real people, and how it shows up in fandom. 

Fetishization manifests in many different ways in fandom, but most commonly on the mlm side of things, I personally see it appear as conservative (or centrist) women who love the idea of two men together, but don’t actually like gay people, and don’t necessarily think LGBT+ people deserve rights (or “special treatment” as its sometimes dog whistled). These women view queer men as sexual objects for entertainment rather than an actual group of people who deserve to be protected from systemic oppression. I’ve noticed that they often don’t even think of the men they “ship” together as actually being gay, and may even express disgust at the idea of a character in an mlm ship being headcanon’d gay. In case its not obvious, this is pretty much exactly the same way a lot of cishet men fetishize lesbians (they see “lesbian” as a porn category, rather than like, what actual LGBT people think of when we read the word lesbian). There’s a pretty popular viral tweet thread going around where someone explains seeing this trend of conservative women who like mlm stuff, and I have also personally witnessed this phenomenon myself in more than one fandom. 

The funny thing is, maybe its just me buuuut.... The place I see this particular kind of fetishization happen most is not in the anime/BL fandom, from which the term fujoshi originates - I actually see these type of women way way more in western fandom spaces like Supernatural, Harry Potter, and Hannibal. I can’t stress this enough, there’s a shocking amount of people who are like, straight up trump supporters in these fandoms. If you want to experience it, try joining a Hannigram or Destiel group on facebook and you will probably encounter one eventually especially if you happen to be living through a major historical event. Like these women probably wouldn’t even be considered “fujoshi”, because that term doesn’t really apply to them given they aren’t in the BL/anime fandom, yet they’re the ones I personally see actually doing the most harm.

Of course this isn’t the ONLY kind of fetishizing woman in the mlm/BL world, there are other ways fetishization shows up, but this is the most toxic kind that I see.

A girl just being really into BL or whatever may be “cringe” to you, or she may be expressing her love for BL in a “cringey” way, but a straight woman really enjoying BL is not, on its own, somehow inherently fetishization. Yes, sometimes teenage girls act kind of cringe about how much they like BL and that might be annoying to you, but its not necessarily ~problematic~. 

That being said, IT NEEDS BE REMARKED that a lot of the “fujoshi” that you all hate so deeply, are actually closeted trans men or nonbinary people who haven’t yet come to terms with their gender identity, or are otherwise just NOT cishet. I know because I was one of these closeted people for years, and I honestly think tumblr and the cultural obsession around purity is one of the many reasons I was closeted so deeply for so long. STORYTIME LOL!!! In my early adolescence, I was a sort of proto “fujoshi”. I identified as a bi girl who was mostly attracted to men, or as most (biphobic) people called it, “practically straight”. I wrote and read “slash” fanfic and looked at as well as drew my own fanart. We didn’t use the term fujoshi back then, but that’s definitely how I could have been described. I was obsessed with yaoi, BL, whatever you want to call it, to a cringe-inducing degree. I really struggled to relate to most het romances, so when I first discovered yaoi fanfics (as we called them at the time), I fell in love and felt like I finally found the type of romance content that was made for me. I didn’t know exactly why, I just knew it hit different. LGBT+ fanart and fanfiction brought me an immense amount of joy, and I didn’t really think too hard about why.

At some point, in my early 20s, after reading lots of discourse™ here on tumblr and other places like twitter, I started to get the sinking feeling that my passion for gay fanfiction was ~problematic~. I had always felt a sense of guilt for being into mlm content, because literally anyone who found out I liked BL (especially the men I dated) shamed me for liking it all the fucking time (which btw is literally just homophobic, like can we talk about that?). In addition to THAT bullshit, now I’m seeing posts telling me that girls who like BL are cringey gross fetishists who inspire rage and should go die? 

Let me tell you, I internalized the fuck out of messages like this. I desperately wanted to avoid being ~problematic~. At the time, I thought being problematic was like the worst thing you could be. I was terrified of being “cancelled”, before canceling was even really a thing. I thought to myself, “oh my god, I’m gross for liking this stuff? I should stop.” I beat myself up over this. I wanted so badly to be accepted, and to be deemed a Good Person by the internet and society at large.

I tried to shape up and become a good ally (lmfao). I stopped writing fanfic and deleted all the ones I was working on at the time. I made a concerted effort to assimilate into cishet culture, including trying to indulge myself more deeply in the few fandoms I could find that had het content I did enjoy (Buffy, True Blood, Pretty Little Liars, etc). I would occasionally look at BL/fanfic/etc in private, but then I would repress my interest in it and not look for a while. Instead I would look at women in straight relationships, and create extremely heterosexual Couple Goals pinterest boards, and try to figure out how I could become more like these women, so I, too, could be loved someday. 

This cycle of repression lasted like eight years. Throughout it all, I was performing womanhood to the best of my ability and trying to become a woman that was worthy of being in a relationship. I went in and out of several “straight” relationships, wondering why they didn’t make me feel the way reading fanfic did. Most of all, I couldn’t figure out why straight intimacy didn’t work for me. I just didn’t enjoy it. I always preferred looking at or making gay fanfiction/fanart over actual intimacy with men in real life. 

Eventually, I stumbled upon a trans coming out video that someone I was following posted online, my egg started to crack, and to make an extremely long story short, after like 3 years of introspection and many gender panic attacks that I still experience to this day, I realized that I’m uh... MAYBE... NOT CIS..!? :|

I truly believe if I had just been ALLOWED TO LIKE GAY STUFF WITHOUT BEING SHAMED FOR IT, I probably would have realized I was trans way way sooner. Because for me, indulging in my love of gay romance and writing gay fanfic wasn’t me being a weirdo fetishist, it was actually me exploring my own gender identity. It is what helped me come to terms with being a nonbinary trans boy.

Not everyone realizes they are trans at age 2 or whatever the fuck. Sometimes you have to go through a cringey fujoshi phase and multiple existential crises to realize how fucking gay you are AND THATS FINE.

And one more thing - can we just be real here? 

A lot of anti-fujoshi sentiment is literally just misogyny. omg please realize this. Its “women aren’t allowed to enjoy things” but, like... with gay fanfics. Some of the anti-fujoshi posts I see come across my dash are clearly ppl projecting a caricature they invented in their head of a demonic fujoshi fetishist onto any woman who expresses what they consider to be a little too much enthusiasm for gay content and then using their perception of that individual as an excuse to justify their disdain for any women, especially straight women, ‘invading’ their ~oh so exclusive~ queer fandom spaces.

 god get over yrselfs this is gatekeeping by another name

idk why i spent so long writing this no one is even going to read it, does anyone even still use this site

*EDIT: HOLY SHIT WHEN DOING RESEARCH FOR THIS POST I FOUND OUT THAT Y-GALLERY IS BACK OMG!!! 

[smorgasbordofobsessions]

kuro fic - ciel’s intimacy

tagging: @amanitus for providing the entire reason i wrote this fic; @sleeplessinaltissia and @singt0me for reading this over; @chromehoplite for the BRILLIANT advice that i will take with me going forward

so i wrote this after seeing @amanitus post about their headcanons [click here] and i absolutely HAD to write something when i saw the first one about how ciel thinks a kiss is more intimate than sex. it’s actually something i can understand, so this clicked for me, and i put pen to paper after i spent five minute thinking about it, haha.

this is honestly an introspection, haha.

title: ciel’s intimacy (for lack of anything better honestly)

summary: what is intimacy? is it the kiss of a mother, or of a lover?

There were times, as he sat in his chair and stared out the window, when he wondered what real intimacy was like. Was it like when his parents would shower him in gifts when they came back from London? Or like playing chess against Tanaka? Or spending time with Ciel? 

Or was intimacy the memories that kept him up at night? The memories of being on display for the uncaring amusement of others, of seeing his brother stabbed in front of his eyes?

Was intimacy Sebastian following every order? Was it staffing his manor with murderers, or was it playing games with the Queen and those in the underground?

No, he was sure it was something he would never know.

Still he wondered, he yearned, he craved intimacy. He would sit and stare out his window and think about the poetry he would translate, the English tragedies part of his culture. Would intimacy be word games with one you pretend to hate, or would it be fated by the gods?

There was always a kiss in the literature he read. A kiss to signify the romantic love between two people. A kiss as an affectionate symbol between parent and child. A kiss as a goodbye.

At nights, he remembered the kiss his mother would give him and his brother before they fell asleep. Was that the same as intimacy?

In thoughts he didn’t like to think, he entertained the idea of ordering Sebastian to kiss him.

What would it be like, to kiss a demon, a man, in the most intimate of ways? Would his heart race, his cheeks flush? Would he want to write sonnets or destroy enemies? Would it be something he would do anything just to have another taste of?

He feels the kiss would expose too much of himself. Too much of the child he still is. Too much of the pain and humiliation he carries. Too much of the desperate need for gentle contact that he yearns for.

Would Sebastian, though a demon and made of sin, even want to kiss him after the defiling he underwent? Would Sebastian want to kiss him voluntarily, or would he only do it under an order? Would anyone want to kiss him after they learned of the rapes he was subject to, the forced touching, the skin crawling laughs?

He would hate the pity he was sure Elizabeth would give him, despise it. He was stronger than that cult, than the mastermind behind them. He would plan, execute, and enjoy his revenge when that came to pass.

But could he remain alone until that time, with only Sebastian as his only companion, though he was knight in the chess game he was playing, servant to the whims of his master? Would Sebastian’s contracted companionship be enough to sustain him? To keep the craving for true intimacy at bay? So far, it seemed so. Their banter and games brought him genuine amusement, and helped lighten his spirits.

In bed, as he stared at the moon before Sebastian closed the curtains, he fantasized of pulling Sebastian close, breathing in the same air as him, kissing him on his lips. He was sure that, even if Sebastian was there as his loyal dog, Sebastian would keep the action secret, and wouldn’t let it affect anything they do together.

But the problem was always him and his refusal to be the first to reach out. For fear of being pitied. For fear of being mocked. For fear of being rejected.

His fantasy would die when Sebastian could come in to close the curtains, his cowardice keeping his arms still, his mouth closed.

His dreams, when he got through his nightmarish memories, were of him being kissed and feeling his heart, his soul, burst from his lips. He felt exposed, but he could never figure out if it was liberating of damning.

It would forever be a fantasy, a dream always outside the reach of his hand, as he realized every morning when he woke. The casual intimacy he would see in the streets of London, the passionate intimacy he read in poetry and novels would forever be out of his grasp.

But, the smallest part of him held out hope, that maybe, just for a moment, it could be his.

[legendoftheghost]

Wild Embers, Offering Clarity (Ghost of Tsushima, 2/2)

Pairing: Jin Sakai x Yuna

Tags: Emotional Outbreak, Vulnerability, Emotional Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, Intoxication, Past Trauma, Post-Ghost of Tsushima, Smut, Girl on Top, Friends to Lovers, Anal Sex, Penetration, Cuddling, Intimacy. (more tags to come)

(Part 1 is here)

She isn’t entirely certain where he stops and she begins – Yuna only knows her body is alight with flame. Briefly, she feels the spell of feverish heat rise in her form and must quickly quell its heat in order to not annihilate them both into oblivion. Always at the whim of her body's emotion and desire, her wanton want is still a terrifying storm in the essence of her core that had to be kept at bay. 

Hoisting herself up, Yuna seizes the back of Jin’s neck and pulles herself into his lap, burying her face in the crook of his neck and jaw. She peppers kisses and nips at his flesh, delighting herself in her strength and dominance and ability to make him tremble with her mouth and hands alone. Asserting herself, grabbing hold of him and forcefully bending him back with a grunt of effort, willing him to submit as she takes a moment to catch her breath.

The important people in Jin’s lives had left imprints; they may stay, or go in the impermanent realm of his memories, but no matter what the outcome, they will always be there in his heart. Because they all helped to form the Ghost’s heart, in their existence or lack thereof. There is no getting over that. The weight of it, the depth of it, all of it overwhelms him still, but nothing overwhelms him more than being pulled under by the sucking drag of the receding wave. And Jin mourns, as the rain pours, as his heart downpours, and becomes mesmerized by each other and the world around them. And how he moans, as the churning sensation of Yuna’s lips transport him right into the clashing and shimmering light of the early sun, stripped of sorrow as spinning daylight manifests in the dark. 

They are young, still young and recovering from physical and emotional scars and gashes gained from the harsh world they live in. All the shared impressions, and the numerous ones even before their paths crossed make up the blueprint of who they are, and Jin finds himself searching, an exploratory hand trailing a crude scar on her stomach. The question lingers, but it’s for another time. 

He finds the scalding feverous heat soar ablaze in the depths of his gut, something other than carnal lust, but unrestrained fury. In the shimmering pearl of his eyes, the thunder of his wanton need becomes the radiant bliss that lights up the muscle-corded nakedness of Jin Sakai’s being. He gently breathes into the crook of her neck, as they clasp and fold their bodies front to front, two bodies now beating as one as their hearts whisper, making sweet amends. 

Time seems to slow for a moment; floating carefree around them like a feather in the air. Her lips are warm and plush and inviting, and Jin tips Yuna’s chin, making her look into the polished depth of his eyes. Scintillating, challenging, dancing with her own. A bit timid and a bit trembling, but still intense and tender. His kisses are all rich and golden, not because they’re perfect, but they are his. A quiet, pinning piece of his heart wants to stay in this place with her forever, and his fingers tangle into her thick, silky hair. It is an unrealistic feeling. 

For his breath gets knocked out of him, again and again, as rapturous ardor of his devourment meets her gentle dominance, and Jin blushes, the saturated ruddy hue of the sunset painted over his cheeks, as their ornamented intimacy reaches its zenith, and the glazing sweetness of their sweat agleam, streaming the further connection between two troubled souls, coinciding in yet another troubling place that drowns both in. Yet, they would still manage to tint their hearts in amber and in honeyed sentiments. And he feels the throbbing hardness, all of his girth being penetrated deep into her. How the foundations of their being brought their souls together; a perfect fit of suffering and longing, hope and love. Their worlds merging together, blending the rivers of their lives into a great, immeasurable ocean. 

As long as they passed breaths in susurrations, adorned with their love - him and her. Nothing else mattered, but their body and mind’s connection - barely a spiderweb thin, with all their shared thoughts, aspirations, and beliefs in their own importance. “Jin,” Yuna calls out, “What are you waiting for?” Jin looks up from his deep introspection, somewhere stuck in the unfurling smoke, a clump of cloud. Her body was the only reality. I hurt, therefore I am. 

“Yeah, I am here. I was thinking…,” one day, the pain of staying was greater than the pain of leaving, and Jin had swallowed the shadows his hands have timed to the wall. Perhaps he was always destined to wear a deflated smile, but he wasn’t dreaming. Yuna had always been the sun that melted his exhaustion, melting his weakened wings, gently plucking him feather by feather, until he could no longer bear the excess weight. He will fly, but Jin thinks he may be safer on the ground, along with her anyway. “All I want is the sea salt to assault my skin, as hot heat melts my hair. You would become my oasis, Yuna.” He speaks, as insatiable sense of belonging causes him to plunge deeper into the engorged folds of her wet tunnel, and how liberating he feels, as the tight coil of her flesh constricts, squeezes around his length as Jin shudders right into her as the sensuous curve of his defined back slouches, melts into her. 

How Jin burns, with all spindly flames, his bones and body starved. The light was a brewing storm in the depth of his brave eyes, and his body felt tighter, higher, his chin tilted up as his sliding manhood twitches, veins growing electric as the rolling of Yuna’s hips had him instinctively jut and rock his hips, gyrating, causing Jin to feel concurrently being afloat, as the waters of passion begins to rise, but drown into the currents of lapping streaks as it surges through his veins. Yuna continues to sink, with her head tilted back, nestled hands clawing across Jin’s well-built shoulders, leaving coral blossoming nail strokes. 

Jin’s facial muscles melt in a glaze, as he overflows with a relieving sensation. How he sings, mantras of deepened, guttural groans intertwined with her quieted whines, as their synchronized rhythms rattle their universes. There’s so much Jin Sakai could feel as their bodies embody an eclipse, the light and dark coalescing together to cause a world of difference upon the humanity as to let their presences known, if they hadn’t done it already. On road to its pinnacle, he edges, both painfully and delectably, taking rushed skips before he is faced with the zenith of all. 

Their bodies embody more like a kiln, slow to reach its boiling point, then the heat feels like a widening hole swallowing them whole and each minute movement of their rippling embers elevated to become a deafening roar as he locks in petrification. And a whole world of galaxy presents itself upon his half-lidded gaze, as his stillness extends; a stinging, explosive release that defies the gravity as strings of pearly white pulses and soars, and the spilling wetness of Yuna’s flesh saturates their connection furthermore as the warmth of her ichor coats Jin’s groin, becoming the glaze that would seal everything together. 

How they continue to clash and shimmer in the light, even in the absence of natural light, beneath the chastened hours of an early sun, stripped of trauma and sorrow, as daylight spins with their entangled limbs and panting breaths. How they clasp their hands - Jin round her waist, Yuna’s own encompassing Jin’s neck - as hearts whisper, making sweet amends. 

“I was scared that my unspoken words would swim inside my head, that I was going to drown by it,” Jin breathes, still out of breath as his chest heaves, as he drifts into the sea of nebulas that is Yuna’s sensuous curves. “My passion once had been diluted, until it became a surging, submerging sea after I met you. You have been my everything, Yuna, and you were exquisite.” How his eyes become the very stars drenched in every melodic moonlight, as the delicate, yet feral gaze of his hold her steady. 

“Our hearts were much darker back then, I still remember you visibly struggling, aching, fighting on what seemed like a losing side of this war. There was no room for it,” Yuna pauses, kissing the bobbing length of Jin’s throat. “You were passion like explosive embers in the battleground, and for me, that was enough, until now.” She smiles, mirroring the curve of the crescent moon, smiling down at both of them. 

Jin’s spine curls and ripples akin to a calm serene ocean for now in a moment of rapturous delight, as he instinctively ruts, and feels his spent member begin its pulsating retreat. The vigorous, yet slowed motion of Yuna’s hips that coil around him continue to spiral with his fluid dynamism. “I will always satiate you with eager anticipation and rapture if you talk like that.” He teases, the fullness of his lips brushing against her temple as he smirks. 

[smuttymess]

bts astro soulmate reading | for devin

sign: leo sun | virgo moon | pisces rising

lover: jung hoseok | soulmate: kim seokjin

This reading is for my lovely moot, Devin (@devin_stypa) - a Jimin-Yoongi-Hobi triple bias. the girl has taste! I hope to be able to meet you post-quarantine craziness :) Please enjoy <3

A Leo sun and Virgo moon brings together two powerful, contradictory signs, making you a very unique soul. With fiery Leo as your persona, your friends and family perceive you as equal parts charming, driven and dedicated. Be it at work or in your personal relationships, you shine brightly when you can utilize your uncannily perceptive abilities. Typically located in the center of attention, you seem to attract people wherever you go without any effort whatsoever.

While your bold Leo-fueled ego wants the spotlight and all of the adoration and glory that comes with it, your shy Virgo moon often pulls you back into the shadows, wanting to retreat into thought, introspection, and solitude. On the surface you are confident, knowing exactly what you want, but your inner appears to be more wary and reserved. This creates somewhat of a paradox for you, which you grapple with on a regular basis. With your brain constantly at work, it is hard for you to connect with people on all levels, which leaves you struggling with your inner desires and finding someone to understand your complexity. More than anything, you need someone who complements and supports you in all of your varied multitudes.

Your rising in Pisces adds another layer of complexity, establishing you as a bit of an enigma, subconsciously changing your filter depending on where you are and who you are with. This mystery, combined with your natural charm and elegance, attracts Jimin almost immediately. When you meet him, he ignites your flirtatious, extroverted Leo persona who does not shy away with slipping away with Jimin to a private table immediately mere moments after him at the opening of a new wine bar. An expert in flirtation, he spares no charm in order to gain your affections from the moment he lays eyes on you.

Leo and Libra make a deliciously sensual pair, and from the moment you meet you are unable to keep your hands off of each other, sweet sentiments exchanged at least once an hour in-between dates. Jimin wants make the people around him feel good, and you are at the top of that list. He has the ability to take you out of your future-focused mind and bring you into presence, giving you the spotlight and showering you with gifts, adoration, and devotion you desire. Sex with Jimin is highly sensual and passionate yet adventurous, allowing you both to shed your personas and freeing you to explore. He loves when you take charge, telling him exactly what you want to do to him or vice versa. There is nothing that turns him then when you approach him in your slinkiest outfit, leaning into him for a deep kiss before pushing him on the couch. You enjoy casting him under your spell, touching yourself until he’s grabbing your hand and pulling you you onto his lap to feel your effect on him.

Jimin’s people-pleasing, laid-back nature proves to be certainly a double-edged sword. His tendency to dancing around the truth - completely avoiding it altogether - starkly clashes with your deep-seated need for openness and truthfulness. He is also highly indecisive, leaving you to make most of not all of the choices in your daily lives together. While happy to take the lead in bed, you would love to be able to let yourself go and have him take the reins in other areas of your relationship. Ultimately, your very direct and occasionally harsh ways of communicating proves to be too rough for the more sensitive Jimin. While you enjoy living with him his fantasy world where everything is always sunshine and roses, you need someone to come back down to earth with you from time to time.

You tend to hold yourself, and your romantic partners, to incredibly high standards - some which are out of reach. You want perfection, and you know you can have it. From your first meeting with Hoseok at a gallery opening, you are drawn to each other’s underlying currents, which you know have depths far beneath what meets the superficial beauty and charm that others see. He sees how clearly ambitious you are as it mirrors his own go-getter ways, immediately diving into each others professional pursuits, ideas and dreams for the future. Ever the stickler for details, he is never satisfied, and you find comfort in each other’s ambition and independence but also your shared tendency to be misunderstood based off of the masks you present to the world.

With emotionally guarded Aquarius Hoseok setting the pace, learning Hoseok is a very meticulous process. He is quirky, creative and intellectual but notoriously hard to read. While your Leo is eager to dive in to this mysterious man and unwrap him, your inner Virgo moon know the importance of taking one’s time. There is, however an undeniable attraction between your two strong personalities that soon erupts into an intense physical relationship. Where Hoseok lacks initially in emotions, he more than accounts for it during sex, which he sees are the purest form of self-expression. You two love to spar intellectually, culminating in hot makeup sex that allows you both to show each other who’s boss. He is perfectly tender yet rough, his long, skilled hands knowing exactly how to send you over the edge wherever you happen to be. Hobi is your partner, friend and lover but Hoseok is your dom - a fact he’s not afraid to remind you of as he fucks you against your kitchen counter, wearing nothing but diamonds as he tears the dress he’s bought for you and throws it on the floor. *You looked so beautiful in this dress, baby, but I couldn’t wait to get you back home and get you out of it.* More than anything, you’re happy to have someone equally willing to try new things with you while making you feel fully secured in the process.

Ultimately, Hoseok is able to bring you the intimacy, adventure, and security that you so deeply crave. Once you have each other’s trust and work past the stubbornness of your fixed signs, there is nothing that can break your bond. Wherever you two are in the world, be it on separate travels or on business trips, you two have a home within each other. Together, your lifelong relationship is one filled with genuine loyalty, trust and love.

[blueboxesandtrafficcones]

Queen of Hearts - Chapter 7

Thirty-year-old Rose Tyler’s matchmaking business is doing very well indeed, bringing her clients such as celebrities, athletes, and the now-happily-married son of the mayor.  All of which brings her to her newest client - one whose royal rank is a far cry above her own title as Queen of Hearts.

Ian, King of Gallifrey, calls off his wedding four weeks before the happy day as he realizes he can’t spend another minute of his life with his betrothed.  The catch - he must take a wife before his Coronation, only a month away.  In desperation, his sister and aunt conspire to find him is happy ever after - and it’s going to take a master matchmaker to do it.

-

Based on the Hallmark Movie ‘Royal Matchmaker’.  Chapters will be posted every Sunday.

As always, beta’d by the wonderful @stupidsatsuma​!  @doctorroseprompts

Masterlist  |  AO3

—

Sunday, April 7th

Sunday afternoon found Rose curled up in the library, reading through the second round of files Mel had produced to cull the herd further.  With a warm throw across her lap and a tea service on the table in front of her, a roaring fire in the fireplace only a few feet away, she was particularly cosy and comfortable – or would be, if she could forget the enormity of the task in front of her.

“Made yourself at home, I see,” a voice drawled behind her, and she startled violently.

“Shit!”  Just barely managing to not spill her cuppa, Rose twisted to see the King standing behind her, smirking with his arms crossed.  “Your Majesty!”  Fumbling into a half-standing position she attempted a curtsy, nearly falling over in the process.  Embarrassed, she kept her head down, hoping he couldn't see the warmth blooming on her cheeks.

Thankfully he looked amused when she dared peek up from beneath her eyelashes, rather than cross.  “Interesting reading?”

“Hopefully, your future wife is in one of these files,” she said, shifting on her feet.

“May I?” the King gestured towards the chair across from her, and she nodded, waiting until he sat to reclaim her own seat, doing her best not to fidget.

When he didn’t speak, she ventured, “Was there something I could help you with?”

“Can you tell me a bit more about your process?”  He shifted slightly, just enough to telegraph that he was, possibly, as nervous and uncomfortable as she was.

“Of course!” she all but yelped, flushing again and tucking her hair behind her ears.  “My assistant, Mel, has compiled a list of potential women for the position.  As I get to know you we narrow that down until we have a manageable amount.  From there we conduct Skype interviews, filtering down further until we have our top several candidates, who will come to Gallifrey to meet you. From there, it’s up to you, really, and chemistry.”

The King nodded, looking deep in thought, and Rose waited with bated breath.  He seemed to be in a more introspective, considerate mood, and she hoped he might let something slip that would help.  “What do you need from me?”

“Sir?”

“What do you need to know?” he clarified.

She’d answered this already, the first time they met, but she didn’t mind repeating it.  “Anything that’s not available for public consumption.  I don’t need to know anything about the publicity version of you – I can Google that.  I’ve worked with many famous people, and they’re almost always different from how they are portrayed by the press.”

“I’m the king, I need to be what my people expect,” he said pointedly, but she refused to go on the defensive this time.

“That’s a role you play for ceremony and photo-ops and… fan encounters like at the fountain dedication.  I need to know you.  The real you.  The one who wears rock’n’roll t-shirts and saves the world when no one’s looking.”

For a fraction of a moment his lips twitched, and she considered that a point in her favor, not that she was keeping score.  “I’m not Superman.”

“Thank God, not sure you could pull off the tights,” she let slip out, before her eyes widened in horror.  “Sorry!”

To her surprise, though, he let out a bark of laughter.  “You’re probably right,” he agreed, chuckling, “though it might be worth trying to see the horrified look on my sister’s face.”

They laughed softly, and Rose let it trail off into silence.

“My life,” he started haltingly, “it’s… a different kind of normal.  In these circumstances, one must learn to be guarded, and careful.  I’ve been burned by putting my confidence in the wrong person one too many times.  You can understand my hesitation with trusting a complete stranger.”

“Well, tell me more about yourself so we’re not strangers,” she teased.  “Simple.”

“You first.”

Rose laughed, thought she cut herself off abruptly when he didn’t.  “Seriously?”

His expression didn’t change, and she swallowed.  “Okay.  Uh, my dad died when I was a baby, so it was just me and mum.  It wasn’t easy, but we made it work.  I was working in a shop when I was nineteen and one night, a gas line took out the building.  In desperation I took an immediate position as an assistant to the owner of a large matchmaking firm, learning the ropes on the fly and working my way up.  After six years I struck out on my own, and it’s been an adventure.”

 “It certainly sounds as such.”

The King didn’t continue, and she raised an eyebrow.  “Right, your turn,” she prompted.

He pursed his lips, leaning forward.  “My mother died eight years ago, my father last year.  Obviously.  My childhood was difficult as well, though not in the same way as yours.  Growing up in the spotlight can be painful – no one wants to read articles critiquing how their pubescent years are going.  Not that they were terribly cruel, but any comment can be devastating.  I shudder to think what it might have been like, in this era of social media.”

He paused, licking his lips, and refused to meet her eye when he continued.  “My mother became sick when I was seventeen, and though she beat it in a year, it sparked a need in me to know more about medicine, to help heal others as she was healed.  With her encouragement I studied medicine at Johns Hopkins, in the States.  I wanted to be totally anonymous, which I achieved there, and in the process gained the freedom to discover myself and my passions.”

“That’s how I felt,” Rose murmured.  “When I first got my own place, away from my mum, I felt like I really knew who I was for the first time.  It wasn’t easy, and sometimes I called her and went ‘how do I…’ et cetera, but I’m glad I did it.”

“Did she do her damnedest to make you feel guilty for it?”

“Yes!”

They shared another soft laugh, and Rose grinned.  “You should do that more.”

“What?”

“Laugh.”  And smile, she thought, watching his eyes brighten.  “It lights up your whole face.”

“As should you.”  An almost embarrassed expression crossed his face then, and he stood, the mood shifting abruptly.  “I’ve taken too much of your time on a Sunday.  Please forgive me.  Will I see you at dinner?”

Rose scrambled to her feet again, feeling whiplash from the sudden change.  “Yes, of course.  Really, though, you don’t have to go!”

“I’m afraid I must.  Thank you for your time.”

Not waiting for her to curtsey, he practically ran away, and Rose stood watching the door for a long minute after he was gone.

What just happened?

-

Ian fled the library, feeling a little absurd at being driven from a room in his own home, but mostly overwhelmed at the level of intimacy they’d just shared.

He’d never told anyone why he’d pursued medicine.  His family had certainly guessed along the way, but in twenty-three years he’d never actually said the words – until now.

What is she doing to me?

A dual cry of “Uncle Ian!” was the only warning he had before being tackled, his niece and nephew throwing themselves at his legs and nearly sending him flying onto his back.

He let out an undignified yelp, arms wind-milling in an effort to keep himself upright, not bothering to glare at his sister when she sniggered.

“Alright there?” she asked brightly, smirking, and he lowered his arms to cup the children’s heads, one in each palm.

Hampered by the little ears present, he resorted to sticking out his tongue and crossing his eyes.  By now she’d well drilled him on behaving himself in front of them, wanting to show the twins a good sibling relationship.

Of course, it only made them drag each other harder when alone.

“Your face’ll freeze like that, and we’ll never find you a wife,” Donna warned, making him groan softly.

“You’re getting married?!” his niece gasped, pulling back to beam up at him, and he couldn’t help the softening of his heart at her wide, semi-toothless grin.

“Yes,” he told her, picking her up and settling her on his hip.  “If that’s alright with you, Princess Sophia.”

The little girl gave him an even stare, tapping one tiny painted nail against her chin in thought.  “Will she be my friend?”

“I hope so,” he answered truthfully, pressing his lips to the side of her head and inhaling.  “I hope you both like her,” he directed downwards, where Sebastian was still pressed against his leg.

“Okay,” his nephew said, popping his thumb in his mouth.  “Can we have biscuits?”

Ian threw his head back in laughter, the pressure in his chest releasing into a warm fondness for his family.  “I’m sure we can find some.”

-

Cosy mood lost, it didn’t take Rose long to pack up her things and return to the suite only to find Mel standing at the corkboard.

“What’s wrong?” Rose asked, dropping the files she held on a chair and walking towards her.

Two dozen or so pictures covered the edges now, connected by string to pins marking their home country.

Mel grimaced, the normally bubbly girl looking tense.  “I just got some bad news,” she worried her lower lip between her teeth.  “Reinette is away travelling.”

“No!”

Jeanne Poisson, Reinette to her friends, was French nobility and their tentative top choice.  “Can we-”

“I’m trying,” Mel promised, “but it’s up to chance now.”

Great.

-

An hour later Rose re-emerged from her bedroom with two distinct piles of folders.

“Success?” Mel asked hopefully, looking up from her laptop as Rose crossed to the corkboard, moving pictures around.

“From over a hundred potential candidates, we have narrowed it down to twenty in just under a week,” she said smugly, removing the photographs of the women she’d declared not right.  “That alone is an achievement; excellent work, Mel.”

“Thank you.”

Once the board was arranged to her satisfaction, they both stood back to stare at it.  “Right.  Next is Skype interviews – I know it’s short notice, but schedule as many as you can for tomorrow.  ‘Mrs. Right’ needs to be here no later than two weeks from today, ideally sooner.”

A knock on the door made them turn, only to see Princess Donna letting herself in.  “I hope I’m not disturbing you.”

“Of course not Your Highness, please, come in.”  Rose hurried around the desk to clear one of the chairs, though the Princess remained standing.  “How can we help you?”

“I wanted to check on your progress, and see if I could be of any assistance.”

Rose and Mel exchanged glances.  “Things are going well,” Rose said brightly, hiding her hands behind her back and picking at her nails.  “We’ve narrowed the list to twenty, whom we expect to interview over Skype tomorrow.  After that our top choices will come to the palace for in-person interviews.  The final round is to interview them myself, then introduce them to the King. If all goes according to plan, your future Queen will be here in the next ten days.”

The Princess smiled, features relaxing.  “Wonderful.  Can I see your top candidate, please?”

Rose grimaced, hesitating only a moment before passing her a file.  “Technically, this is the top match.  Only we just learned earlier today that she is travelling, and we’re working on getting in touch with her.”

“French?”  The Princess wrinkled her nose, and Rose hid a smile at the honest reaction.

“Yes.  But as you can see, she’s a strong match to the King.”

She nodded slowly, flipping through the file before returning to the picture and staring.  “Well, you are the expert, so I will take your word for it. Just… whatever it takes.”

“Yes, Your Highness.  Thank you.”

Rose and Mel curtseyed together as the Princess left, before straightening up and staring at each other again.

“Now what?” Mel asked, and Rose’s teeth caught her bottom lip, worrying at it.

“Whatever it takes, I suppose.”