#poor boy going through a rollercoaster internally

[lokiina]

1 - 2 -<3>

Will: V...? V: ...hmn... Will: Ah shit V... it's getting worse isn't it? V: Every day.... Will: Can you stand? V: Will... I... I don't think I've got much time left... Will: Hey it's okay. What ever happens, I'll be here. I'm not going anywhere.

[beomgyuslilracha]

the ceo's son ✧.* [ pt. 9 ]

⊹ pairing: choi soobin x f! reader

⊹ genre: strangers to friends to lovers

⊹ warnings: uhhh angst if you squint?? but i make up for it with fluff

⊹ wc: 5.4k

summary: you've been an intern at c company for roughly over four months now - directly under the ceo as his assistant. everything was going perfectly: you were saving up money to attend uni next year, and you knew that you were under the ceo's good graces to receive a great recommendation when the time came! in fact, he took a liking to you so much that he'd often joke that he wanted to set you up with his son. at least ... you thought it was a joke.

before continuing on to the 2nd floor, you excitedly pointed out the game factory area full of a multitude of arcade games that you thought would be fun for you and soobin to try. although, soobin had suggested that you wait to play any games until you reached the game village on the 3rd floor.

which is where the miscalculation soon comes into play.

at game village, he knew there were prize machines that he wanted to be able to win you a cute plushie from.

he didn't admit this to you, though, are you kidding?

instead he opted for the 'they have better games' excuse, which he honestly wasn't even sure if they did. he was especially glad you didn't question him further about it, since all he remembered was the prize machines.

he needed to win you a prize, and he was willing to lie to do that.

after quickly riding the french revolution rollercoaster on the 2nd floor, where you practically squeezed the blood out of soobin's hand from exhilaration and slight fear, you both then made your way to the 3rd floor for the arcade.

seeing as neither of you were all that interested in the jungle adventure ride, you ended up making a beeline straight for the game village.

that was up until soobin managed to catch sight of who was inside, causing him to freeze in his tracks.

they should've just stayed on the first floor.

"actually, why don't we give jungle adventure a chance anyway?" he suddenly suggested, confusing you from his quick change of mind.

"but i thought you said-"

"yeah, but it might be better than we remembered," soobin interrupted you, not wanting to give you a chance to speak and risk being caught.

"soobin hyung!!"

damn it.

although soobin had attempted to keep walking away, you whipped your head around to spot soobin's group of friends from yesterday all watching the two of you from inside the game village.

"aren't those your friends?" you questioned him, confused once again as he had tried to keep softly tugging at your hand to walk away with him.

unfortunately for him, the two of you couldn't get away fast enough before all four idiots came running up to greet you both.

"hi, you must be y/n, right?" kai was the first to speak, smiling down at you as he finally got to see you face-to-face.

you could only nod, suddenly feeling incredibly shy and tiny, seeing as there were now five men towering over you at once and reminding you of just how small you were.

"how funny, we didn't expect to see you here," yeonjun lied, poking soobin's shoulder playfully and causing the poor boy to grow even more upset.

"yeah, of all days, i didn't think any of you would be here either," soobin forced himself to play along, though practically speaking through clenched teeth as he glared at all of them.

he only hoped that they would catch the hint and leave, but, of course, they pretended not to.

"kai really wanted to come," taehyun explained with an amused smile, finding the situation rather funny.

believe it or not, there wasn't any secret intentions or malicious planning behind it - neither of them actually expected to run into either of you in such a niche place out of the entire park.

a happy coincidence!

at least, a happy coincidence for four of them.. not so much for a certain someone.

"hi, i'm beomgyu! soobin hyung told us so much about you," beomgyu introduced himself to you, commenting in a teasing tone. he didn't even suppress his laughter when soobin shot him a glare in return.

"hopefully all good things?" you said in more of a questioning tone, now glancing up at the embarrassed boy beside you.

this time, it was your turn to squeeze his hand gently. you weren't sure if he was upset with his friends suddenly crowding you both, which he was, but you hoped to silently let him know that you weren't bothered.

in fact, you couldn't help but to think it was rather nice to meet them in a more public setting rather than awkwardly back at the dorm.

"trust us, he goes on and on and on about how great you are," yeonjun reassured you, now being the one to laugh as he watched both yours and soobin's cheeks turn a matching shade of pink.

"we should probably leave them alone now," taehyun nudged yeonjun, being the only one out of the four to finally catch on to soobin's telepathic screaming for them to go away.

not that he actually heard it, but soobin thought for a split second that he might have.

"unless you want to join us, y/n?" kai interjected, perking up at his own suggestion.

truth be told, you really did want to join them. you wanted to jump at the opportunity to get to know them more and have a blast playing games with them as well. although, you knew that if you were to look at soobin, one look would convince you to say no and go on your way somewhere else.

against your better judgement, you chose not to look at soobin just this once.

"i'd love to join you!" you told the cute blonde, growing even more giddy as each one of their faces lit up and cheered after that.

as they all ran back into the arcade, fighting over which game you should play first, you took your time to hold both of soobin's hands in your own.

"come on, it'll only be for a little while, okay?"

soobin's cute pout shifted into a small smile after a minute, nodding his head slowly and allowing you to pull him along to the arcade room.

even though they set his plans back a bit, he supposed the experience wasn't all that bad. soobin got to watch all four of his friends warm up to you quickly, and it was enough to make him happy all over again.

he was especially glad that you weren't entirely turned off by them all - mostly beomgyu - screaming in your ear.

it wasn't exactly ideal for you, of course, but you didn't mind as much as you expected. instead, it felt rather nice to know that they felt comfortable enough to be themselves around you, despite having just met for the first time.

well, sort of for the first time.

in any case, seeing how easy it was for them to be themselves, you also found yourself warming up to them more and more by the second.

instead of flinching slightly every time they yelled in excitement, you found yourself laughing or jumping excitedly beside them. they were such a joy to be around and you couldn't believe soobin never introduced all of you sooner.

however, watching you now, soobin remembered exactly why he held back introducing you all to one another sooner. because now he was struggling way too much for your attention.

it was all fine and dandy at first, such as when the six of you agreed to play a few rounds of air hockey against one another.

it even surprised you to watch soobin transition from the sweet, shy boy you once knew to the sudden screaming one as he played a match against beomgyu.

of course, compared to the yells at the other end of the table, soobin was still remaining relatively mild.

the competition above all had you sweating for soobin's sake, but the screaming and excitement had you laughing like crazy. you felt as light as air, feeling nothing but genuine joy bubbling up inside of you the longer that you spent with them.

soobin was even letting out the cutest little laughs and screams that your heart almost couldn't take it.

for every sudden urge you got to risk it all and kiss him, you found yourself biting harshly at the edge of your thumb to push every thought away. you merely blamed it on the adrenaline, getting far too excited with the group beside you.

after an exhilarating tie breaker, soobin ended up winning the final round against beomgyu.

this then opened for an adorable game between you and kai.

neither of you wanted to play too roughly for the other, so it consisted of many cute giggles and tiny taps of the puck towards each other's side.

while yeonjun and beomgyu groaned for the game to hurry up, taehyun and soobin were both smiling at the adorableness between you both.

soobin more than taehyun, obviously, seeing as he gazed over at you like you were the most precious being on the planet. with every giggle that escaped your lips, he had to bite into his cheek in order to fight off every urge that wanted to race forward and kiss you.

he needed to get you to magic island quickly.

when the timer ran out, with an adorable score of 1 - 1, this was when soobin failed to beat the rest of the boys from earning your attention. regardless of how many times he had tried to call your name, it seemed like they all had something to tell you at the exact same time.

"aww, y/nie, let's try to win matching plushies!" kai cooed, making you giddy at the sudden use of a nickname, lightly grabbing your wrist and leading you to the machine that held the cutest pokémon plushies inside.

soobin's eyes widened in panic, spotting yet another flaw in his plan.

"ahh, kai, why don't we try a different machine first?" soobin had tried to suggest, looking around for any other game that they hadn't tried yet.

"no, hold on, y/nie and i want these snorlax plushies!" kai giggled beside you, both of your shoulders now rubbing together as your eyes focused intently on the game inside.

yeonjun, beomgyu, and taehyun weren't particularly interested in the prize machines, so they opted for a new round of air hockey to determine a champion between the three of them.

"y/n-"

soobin was quickly interrupted by yours and kai's cheerful squealing as the first snorlax was instantaneously won and dropped into the prize box.

kai rushed to pull the plush out of the machine, squeezing onto it tightly and squealing with you happily at how cute and soft it was.

"here, y/n, do you want-" kai trailed off on his sentence, having finally caught sight of soobin's death glare directed at him from behind you. "actually, uhh, i want to keep this one."

"that's alright, i can try to win one for myself!" you shrugged simply, not bothered at all. he did work hard to win the plush, so it wouldn't have been fair for you to accept it anyway.

"here, let me try," soobin finally found his chance to step in, his hand covering yours on the machine and sending sparks coursing up your arm.

your face warmed at the contact, and you failed to suppress the smile that overtook your face. "okay!" you agreed excitedly, swooning at the mere idea of soobin winning a plushie all for you.

at least, that was the plan, anyway.

quickly running threw 5 thousand won without even thinking, soobin still managed to fail time and time again to win the plush that you wanted. his head bonked against the machine glass, his frustrated focus being no help no matter how hard he tried.

"soobin, it's okay, i don't need it," you had tried to tell him, tugging lightly at his sleeve to try and earn his attention away from the machine.

soobin said nothing, mindlessly feeding another 500 won into the machine for just one more attempt.

why was it so hard??

he just wanted to win you a cute plush to see your precious smile. he just wanted you to think of him every time you hugged and looked at it. he just wanted to give you a cute memory where he won you a toy - so why was it so hard?!

just as you were trying to convince soobin to give up and that it was okay, beomgyu came hopping over to suddenly gain your attention again. apparently yeonjun and taehyun gave up playing against him, so he begged for you to play at least one round.

you would learn in a second that the other two gave up due to beomgyu being a horrific menace and a huge cheater.

it was funny, though, so you didn't mind.

once you were distracted, kai finally shoved a defeated soobin away from the machine and took over. in a matter of seconds, he won another plush.

with soobin gaping in absolute shock, unable to believe it, kai merely patted his friend's back and walked away - wordlessly allowing soobin to take all the credit.

even though he knew it wasn't the same, soobin was way too tired to try again. on top of that, he wasn't looking forward to wasting more money on that hell machine. he figured he would try some other day to win one for you fairly, but he was all too willing to take anything he could get for now.

thank you, sweet sweet kai!

grabbing the snorlax from the machine, soobin shyly made his way over to where you were still playing, with the plush now in hand.

at least it would still make you think of him, even if you didn't know that he wasn't actually the one that won it for you.

you were still midgame with beomgyu, giggling happily as you watched him practically use his entire body to cover his side of the goal. trying to keep things 'fair', you used your free arm to cover your side, now just having a game of hitting the puck and forth with no end in sight.

although, the second you caught the briefest glance of soobin finally standing beside you, you stopped everything to gasp in excitement — allowing beomgyu to take immediate advantage and score on you without hesitation.

"oh my gosh, no way! you finally won and i missed it??" you exclaimed, happily accepting the plush that he was now shyly handing over to you - making him look all the more adorable. despite how happy you were, though, you found yourself still pouting rather sadly. "i guess i'm just your bad luck charm."

"what? no!" soobin quickly denied, cupping your cute face in his large hands and tilting your head to look up at him. "you're my absolute favorite charm."

kiss me, kiss me, kiss me.

kiss her, kiss her, kiss her.

despite you both sharing the exact same thoughts and staring at each other with the same adoration in your eyes, you both ended up clearing your throats and quickly pulling away after beomgyu called for soobin to leave you alone and let you finish the game with him.

you lost miserably after that, not being able to focus at all with just the thought of soobin's lips putting you in a daze.

as desperately as he wanted to, soobin was far too afraid to rush things with you. he thought maybe the moment could have potentially been perfect, but he wasn't keen on the idea of his friends being around when it finally happened.

eventually, seeing as the time was getting later and later and you both still had the 4th floor to get through, soobin finally asked you privately if you were ready to move on without the others.

"oh yeah, let me just say bye to everyone first!" you told him with a smile.

which then lead to the second and a half miscalculation of the night.

the half miscalculation being the absolute failure that occurred at the prize machine a short while ago.

in which you were merely meant to say goodbye, suddenly beomgyu brought up the absolutely wonderful idea of joining you two as a group.

you didn't want to be rude and refuse, so you looked to soobin to see what he would prefer. obviously, he hated the idea and told them all to stay there and let you two move on alone.

apparently none of them got the hint - even though it was more of an outright protest than a hint, but they still didn't listen either way.

much to soobin's reluctance and dismay, the four nuisances ended up accompanying you both for the remainder of the 3rd and 4th floors anyway.

hell, they even convinced you to join them again on the 1st floor to repeat some of the rides together.

to make matters worse, beomgyu and kai found themselves naturally attaching to you so easily the more time you spent together. you were able to match beomgyu's hyper behavior and excitement for practically everything, as well as double the cuteness when paired with huening any time either of you did anything.

had it not been for the sake of you, soobin would have beaten them both for ruining everything for him.

in fact, he almost did whenever they both made it a habit to take what should have been his place beside you during the rides. it first happened during the pharaoh's fury ride back on the 4th floor, where you all split into groups of three for the front and back row.

he was forced to watch the three of you laugh and squeal in excitement altogether right in front of him, while yeonjun and taehyun mainly teased at his misery for the entirety of the ride.

soobin's thankfulness to kai from earlier quickly faded into that of anger, knowing full well that the boy hated rollercoasters yet still agreed to join - apparently just as long as he got to sit beside you.

meanwhile, you, on the other hand, were so surprised at how easily you got along with soobin's friends! all of them were so sweet and so funny, you couldn't help but to feel genuinely happy that you could blend well with them.

to your delight, you were ecstatic that they all seemed to really like you too!

they were all practically competing to gain your attention, even going as far as playing rock, paper, scissors to see who got to sit next to you during each ride — though the game never mattered, since beomgyu and kai would whine dramatically until they got to be the ones to sit with you.

on top of it all, soobin was pretty sure you forgot entirely who he was by this point.

not that you did, not one bit, but he was too busy sulking to understand.

you were simply trying to make sure that his friends genuinely liked you, hoping to get along well with them so that you could spend more time with soobin in the future. you thought that if they enjoyed your company now, maybe they'd convince soobin to invite you along to more things so that you could spend more time together with him.

you didn't mean to ignore him, truly. you merely thought that he'd be happy to see you and his friends getting along well with each other.

and he was, don't get him wrong at all, but that didn't mean he wanted you to spend more time with them instead of him.

unfortunately, soobin was on the verge of giving up.

after all that planning they did earlier, he couldn't believe his friends came along and ruined everything. they completely stole you away from him, and it didn't even dawn on any of them that the park would close soon without him ever having confessed to you.

luckily, there was still one person that kept their poor friend in mind.

taking one glance behind them to practically see a storm cloud hovering over soobin's gloomy head, taehyun then leaned over and whispered something in kai's ear.

after glancing back as well, kai tapped slyly on beomgyu's shoulder on the other side of you in order to silently signal him as well to look behind them. this followed with the same reaction from beomgyu to yeonjun, getting him to notice the poor boy trailing behind the five of you.

one by one, all four of them finally got the hint.

when you all had reached the 2nd floor on the way to ride the french revolution again, they conveniently stopped in front of the magic island entrance, where beomgyu let out the fakest and most dramatic yawn possible.

"woah, i'm getting tired," beomgyu acted loudly, going as far as rubbing his eyes like he were some sleepy cartoon character.

yeonjun rolled his eyes behind the boy, unable to believe anyone would buy his act.

but you did.

"oh no, should we stop here?" you asked him, hugging tightly to your snorlax plush to keep yourself from being sad. you were enjoying having fun with them, you didn't want it to end so soon.

"no, no, don't worry about us!" taehyun quickly cut in, smiling sweetly at you. "you and soobin hyung can go on ahead and we'll probably just head back to rest."

soobin finally perked up for the first time in the past hour, realizing now what was happening in front of him.

turning your head in time to spot how cute and eager soobin appeared to be from the idea, you giggled and happily agreed.

the boys all gave you gentle hugs goodbye, sent secret winks and thumbs up to soobin, then went on their merry way to secretly enjoy the lower levels of lotte world instead of going home.

you would find this out much later, though, after the four of them had to practically beg and convince soobin to let you hang out with them again - only under the promise that they would not steal you away like last time.

"your friends are a lot of fun," you told soobin, offering your hand cutely so that he could hold it.

he didn't waste a single second to interlock his fingers with yours, practically melting at the realization of how much he missed being with you. despite having been just a few steps away from him the whole time, it had felt like the two of you were still so far from each other.

now here you were again, your hands together, and walking side by side as you made your way across the long bridge leading to magic island.

"i'll be sure to tell them you thought they were all annoying," soobin teased, laughing adorably when you started to whine and protest for him not to lie.

when soobin had asked what you'd like to do first, you began looking through the guide map that you had picked up from the information desk on the way in.

you gulped nervously, though, as you read over every attraction. they all seemed to be a little too thrilling for your taste.

the gyro drop, the gyro swing, the bungee drop - anything they could possibly think of to make you nervous and sick to your stomach at the thought. you wondered if soobin would be up to the idea of going to the fantasy dream attraction just to look at a bunch of cute animals instead.

"actually," soobin spoke up through your silent worries, having glanced quickly at the time on his phone. "what if we, uh ... what if we, um, go on- on the moonboat?"

oh God, he was so nervous. his stomach was twisting in knots and he was starting to feel the slightest bit lightheaded just from trying to articulate what he was going to say.

did he stutter? did he even ask you right?

honestly, he was pretty sure he blacked out while trying to get the question out, so he seriously couldn't remember.

the brief second it took for you to answer felt like hours to him. "oh, yeah, that'd be so cute!" you cheered, purely happy at the idea of avoiding all the other scary rides that you were way too nervous to suggest.

as you first walked past the bungee drop and swing tree, soobin's stomach first felt like an entire nest of butterflies were fluttering around trying to look for an escape. once you reached the comet express and the dock was now in plain sight, the butterflies suddenly felt like a swarm of bees buzzing around and stinging every surface.

was it too late to suggest something else?

would it be okay to prolong the ride just a little bit longer?

he glanced over at you, taking in your cute smile and the little hums you would make as you mimicked the music you heard nearby.

he didn't want to wait anymore. he wanted you to be his. he wanted to sweep you off your feet and call you his girlfriend so absolutely no one else in the world could.

meanwhile, you were delighted in your own way. with soobin in his own little world, you were simply looking forward to sharing such a cute moment on the moonboat with him.

you couldn't help but to think it was a rather romantic suggestion, especially now that it was night time and all the boats were shining beautiful colors on the lake. you doubted it was his intention, but it still made your heart flutter at the thought nonetheless.

reaching the dock where the moon and ufo boats were waiting, you only had to wait just a few minutes before reaching the front, where soobin paid for the 20 minute ride and allowed the worker to escort you in ahead of him.

this was it.

everything soobin had planned has finally led him to the end of the night moment.

wanting to see your precious smile from excitement, he let you take full control of the boat settings to do whatever you pleased. after tucking snorlax in between the two of you in the seat, you then set the color of the boat to a beautiful shade of purple and used the arrow keys to start leading you around on the lake.

soobin's heart was swooning at the sound of your excited giggles, melting at every little thing you did and said while he connected his phone to play music for the two of you.

would it be too obvious to play a romantic song?

maybe too corny?

the second soobin noticed the song appear from his playlist, his heart flipped. it was all too perfect. the words, the voice, the melody, the meaning.

now playing: strawberry moon by IU

taking a deep breath, soobin locked his phone and put it away, now focusing his entire attention solely on you.

"it's so beautiful," you sighed happily, staring at all the other boats around you and the gorgeous lights shining from the park itself.

soobin agreed, but only because he was looking at you when he did. no other sight mattered to him. nothing else came close to how beautiful you were, with your eyes sparkling from all the different lights being reflected off of them.

"thank you for bringing me today, binnie! i had a lot of fun," you told him, finally looking over to meet his eyes.

the second you did, your breath hitched and your heart flipped entirely. he wasn't looking at you the same way he normally did, with his cute semi circle eyes and flashing dimples. no, this time was much more ... serious?

serious, but in a good way. at least, it felt like a good way. his gaze on you was soft, it practically made you melt into the seat. his small smile was so fond and gentle, for lack of a better word. almost like he was looking at something he deeply cared about.

but ... he was looking at you?

he was looking at you as if you had handpicked all the stars in the sky - the same stars now reflecting back to you in his eyes.

"y/n, can i tell you something?" his voice was low and calm, but it caused your heart to pound harder and louder in your chest. the music and noise from the park quickly became a muffled background, and all you could hear was the pounding of your own heart directly in your ears.

"yes, of course," you finally managed to say, though rather breathless.

without breaking eye contact, you felt his hand slowly trail along yours to intertwine them together once again. it felt as if he ignited a fire that started in your fingertips and traveled throughout the rest of your body.

time stood still. everything went quiet. all that either of you could hear was each other's breaths and the faint whisper of IU singing around you.

"y/n, i want you to know that i ... i really ...," soobin's words trailed off, his adoring gaze shifting from one of your eyes to the other as he soaked in just how beautiful you looked staring up at him.

meanwhile, your heart practically stopped beating. you couldn't even be sure if you were still breathing. every part of you was waiting.

you knew exactly what he was going to say, but you desperately needed to hear the words for yourself. you desperately needed to hear him confirm that everything you've ever felt for him was reciprocated and not just in your head.

"i really like you," soobin practically whispered, his following breath shaking from nerves.

there it is.

the words you never expected to ignite a show of fireworks in your heart, sparking every nerve to heat every inch of your body twice as much as before.

it was unbelievable how you never knew just how badly you needed to hear something until the words came out of his mouth.

"soobin," you spoke his name so softly, still at a lost for breath. "i really like you too."

though both your confessions were rather simple, it was enough. for you two, it was fitting. simple and easy, but meaning absolutely everything to one another.

soobin's free hand softly traced the shape of your cheek, allowing him to feel just how warm your face was to the touch as it turned a pretty light shade of pink.

his touch, though light, sent electricity running through the entirety of your face. you could only find yourself craving more.

with his fingers now tucked under your chin and his thumb lightly grazing your bottom lip, soobin's eyes flickered from your eyes, to your lips, and back again.

he was suddenly much closer to you now, though his lips still felt like they were miles away. your hearts were pounding in sync, and you could tell that he was still feeling just as nervous as you were.

"can i kiss you?"

"yes, please."

once the words escaped your lips and both your eyes fluttered shut, you half expected for soobin to roughly crash his lips against yours without any hesitation.

but that wasn't soobin.

instead, you were surprised.

his lips delicately brushed against yours before softly pressing closer. it started off as a precious little peck before his lips naturally parted, tilted his head, and deepened his kiss with you. it was slow, electrifying, and absolutely perfect.

it was so ... soobin.

your free hand instinctively reached out to grab the edge of his coat, yearning to pull him even closer to you. happily obliging, soobin's hand moved from under your chin to cradle your cheek and deepen his affection for you even further.

your lips practically fit together like a puzzle piece. connecting and moving together in sync, driving each other into a state of breathless euphoria.

soobin's forehead softly rested against yours as you both pulled away to finally catch your breath. simultaneously letting out small exhales of laughter, neither of you were able to think of any other way to express the absolute bliss you felt in that moment.

you had attempted to sit back, but soobin cutely shook his head and grinned as he leaned forward to follow you. "one more time," he whispered, earning cute giggles from you as he pecked tiny kisses all over your cheek before planting another kiss on your lips.

he had been waiting far too long for this moment, so he was planning to enjoy every second.

you didn't mind one bit. you wrapped both arms around his neck to keep him close, deepening the kiss with him even more than before.

when you first started working at c company, you had thought his father was absolutely crazy for suggesting something so bold as to set you up with the youngest member of his own family.

now here you were, just short of two months later, your lips slow dancing together with the ceo's son.

previous | masterlist | epilogue

a/n: (warning: long) (pls at least skip to the highlighted part for brief info!)

okay, can i just say ... the ceo's son was originally supposed to be a oneshot. when i first wrote it, i had absolutely NO idea that anyone would enjoy it as it was - much less encourage me to turn it into a 9 PART SERIES. i'm seriously... i have no words. i appreciate EVERY single one of you that liked, replied, reblogged, and sent multiple asks complimenting me for something i truly started on a whim. i appreciate all of you more than you could possibly understand. all the comments and tags had ME giggling and on the verge of CRYING. i seriously got so emotional with all of your sweet words and support, which gave me all the courage i needed to continue writing and posting as soon as i could <33

i truly hope you all have thoroughly enjoyed this little series, and i genuinely wish i could have dragged it on for longer - but i didn't want to risk burning myself out trying to come up with more ideas. (i do have a little idea of a bonus part, but i'm going to wait on that for now).

but alas, the ceo's son has reached its end 🥹 soobin and y/n finally came together as they were meant to be, with only a few hiccups along the way. i'm gonna miss these two kids, they were so dumb and adorable, i seriously loved writing them together. BUT, the good news is, i already have a TON more ideas i want to work on for other members (hehe peek the masterlist for a preview of what's on the way) and i really really hope that you all will continue to stay tuned and support me 🫶

AHH I KNOW I WROTE SO MUCH, BUT PLS IF YOU SKIP EVERYTHING ELSE, PAY ATTENTION HERE REALLY QUICK:

i want to create a permanent taglist for anyone who would be genuinely interested in what i come up with next - so for anyone already tagged here and anyone else that isn't, pls pls let me know if you would be interested in being a part of it !!!

okokok i'll shut up now, but omg thank you for everyone who read all of this - i appreciate YOU even more. much much much love <333

~

taglist:

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[feliciadraws]

*SPOILERS FOR FINAL FANTASY XIV*

Ahhhh shoot, my recap of the Another Turn In The Coil is looooooong overdue (I've been busy with art projects and stuff, plus it was my birthday on the 13th hehe, also Another Turn in the Coil was an emotional rollercoaster for me and I was frickin REELING afterwards so...yeah), but since I'm a big chunk into Through the Maelstrom I might as well since I don't want anyone to miss a huge chunk of one of my favourite parts of the story so far so here we go! Patch 2.2 - Another Turn in the Coil (recap) So, having found where big boi Bahamut was entombed beneath Carteneau Flats and regenerating, the Warrior of Light headed back to the Waking Sands to report to Urianger, bringing with us news of not just big boi Bahamut being alive but also, seemingly, the legendary grandfather of Alphinaud and Alisaie, Louisoix, who until now was thought to have perished in the Calamity while sealing Bahamut away. Urianger passed along his findings to the Sons of Saint Coinach, who put forward a theory regarding Bahamut and how the big boi is connected to not just Dalamud but the Allagan Crystal Tower too; it turns out Dalamud was designed to gather the sun's energy like a giant solar battery, which would then be channeled into the Crystal Tower, using Bahamut as a living conduit within the moon itself, serving as its 'living core' as Urianger put it. Alisaie also put forward some unsettling findings of her own, stating that the things keeping Bahamut bound were known as "interment hulks," each one designated "Ragnarok-class," which thus renders my initial thought that it was some kind of giant Allagan spacecraft moot. And here's where it gets creepy; these interment hulks, which Alisaie mention act as binding coils, are not only meant to hold Bahamut but to FEED him AND keep him in some state between alive and dead, AND that somehow, since Bahamut is technically a primal but isn't worshipped by anyone like the other primals we've seen in the game, the Allagans who designed the coils have managed to simulate the power of PRAYER to keep the big boi from losing his solid form and turning back into aether mush. All of which is actually pretty terrifying. So, it came down to deactivating the coils and destroying whatever is keeping Bahamut bound, but amid the main objective, poor Alisaie found herself fighting an internal battle of her own, grappling with the notion that her beloved grandfather Louisoix might still be alive after all this time.

Not gonna lie, this was already getting off to a heartbreaking start, and it only gets worse from here.

So, on the trail of the binding coils, the WoL was sent to the Twelveswood, following word from Gridania that a fragment of the moon Dalamud had been discovered. But before long, we were joined unexpectedly by Alphinaud, who mentioned Urianger had informed him of the upcoming expedition into the fragment, but also spoke of Alisaie's admiration of their grandfather and of her own personal struggle in making Eorzea's salvation 'her own personal crusade' , voicing his concerns that her emotional involvement would turn the quest to save Eorzea into what would effectively be a wild goose chase. Interestingly enough, before departing, Alphinaud requested that we don't tell Alisaie that he was there or make a big thing of it.

MAN horsestandingonbeachmeme.jpg

Journeying into the Black Shroud, with Alisaie in tow this time, it was found to be full of corrupted aether crystals, which became visible when they previously weren't due to aetheric disturbances, which made for a very funky exploration experience.

A funky exploration experience, and more heartache for Alisaie...

Further exploration of the area and finally making our way in to the fragment itself took us into an Allagan structure, and a meetup with a figure who Alisaie recognised from the past, another figure who was thought to have perished around the time of the Calamity;

According to Alisaie, this figure was none other than the Garlean Imperial Legatus who spearheaded the Meteor project, Nael van Darnus, but yet there was some confusion; this Nael claimed to be a different one who had perished in the prelude to the Calamity, speaking like a fricked up religious zealot who worshipped and served Bahamut, saying that he was given the name Nael by Bahamut, before t-posing and diving backwards into oblivion in the most gratuitously extra way possible.

And things got crazier from there; after a few intense battles with some freaky-deeky chimera creatures which may or may not have been created by the Allagans, another trip further down into the depths of the fragment opened out into this whole other space that shouldn't have even been down there, as if we passed through some kind of portal.

A portal that seemingly led to the past, to the prelude to the Calamity itself, as Dalamud was crashing down to the earth, where we were once again met by Nael van Darnus, who chided Alisaie and the WoL, claiming that we had 'violated Bahamut's sanctuary' and that he was going to make this our grave. But just as Nael was about to charge up some kind of energy attack, Alisaie stopped him just in time and, using her own magic (GO ALISAIE!) knocked the mask right off of Nael's face and...

It turns out this Nael van Darnus is actually a woman, and not only that, but Bahamut used his own power to channel the last of the essence of the previous Nael and use it to possess this woman, making her a vessel for Nael so he/she could continue serving Bahamut...or something (from here I'm gonna be using she/her to describe the current Nael for clarity).

After channelling the essence of Bahamut himself, Nael transformed into a huge woman/Bahamut hybrid demon lady thing, and a battle ensued, with the Calamity seemingly raging in the background. With Nael herself defeated, a series of increasingly odd occurrences happened;

For starters, it turns out the whole battle took place in a huge augmented reality simulation type room, with the Calamity being a mere simulation that dissipated after Nael's defeat.

After that, Nael, or rather, the woman Bahamut was using as a vessel for Nael's aetheric essence, appeared to be still alive, albeit greatly weakened.

What's more is that Nael appeared to express remorse for her actions, speaking as though she were free from Bahamut's control, which very much confounded Alisaie, who I guess had only her prior knowledge of how the tempering of primals works and how there's no cure for being tempered, but then she reasoned that big boi Bahamut had merely 'relinquished his claim.' Hmmm... Nael continued, this time warning Alisaie of the despair that lies ahead on the path she currently walks, but before Alisaie could get any answers, mainly concerning liberating her grandfather Louisoix...

THIS HAPPENED. I gotta admit this broke my heart because I actually felt sorry for her in this moment, and she seemed genuinely guilty for what she had done and what became of her.

A mysterious, ominous voice called out from the shadows, maybe the voice of the one who just impaled poor Nael with that magical energy spear thing...at first I thought it may have been an Ascian, but then Alisaie said she recognised the voice, but didn't think he would say such cruel words...Louisoix? And things just got crazier and crazier from here, and infinitely more tragic.

On to the deactivation of the coils, which seemed to go relatively well, although big boi Bahamut seemed to regenerate much quicker than Alisaie had initially hoped. But just as she had successfully shut down one of the coils, thus slowing Bahamut's regeneration and bringing us one step closer to turning him back into aether mush, out from the darkness stepped none other than Louisoix himself.

But what should have been joy for poor Alisaie turned into nothing but anguish and heartbreak, as he seemed to have turned EVIL and was actively working to RESTORE Bahamut, hitting her with a magic blast and knocking her prone. Just as he was about to blast her again, the WoL stepped in front of her, shielding her from Louisoix's magic, but Alisaie noticed something particularly harrowing...

The light glowing in Louisoix's eyes...Alisaie saw the same light with Nael, saying to her that Louisoix himself had been possessed and was now under Bahamut's control, which just dug that old knife further and further into Alisaie's ever increasingly broken heart, but far from wallowing in her grief, Alisaie swore she would take down Bahamut for doing this...

My heart breaks for her... In the aftermath, back at the Waking Sands, while it did become clearer, the whole truth, as divulged by Urianger, was somehow just as harrowing; he described the true nature of this fake Louisoix we had encountered, in that it was nothing more than what he called an 'aetherial shadow', basically an aether clone created by Bahamut to serve him, using the image of Louisoix, who really had died when he attempted to call on the power of the Twelve to seal away Bahamut during the battle of Cartenau, which to be quite freaking honest is even more heartbreaking. Following on from that, Urianger then went further into the case of Nael van Darnus; it turns out the original Nael van Darnus, who was in fact a guy after all (the Nael we saw was merely a vessel for his essence), sought to bring about Eorzea's destruction, using the lesser moon Dalamud as a weapon. The noble house the OG Nael belonged to were also 'safeguarding' knowledge regarding ancient Allag, and turned to alternate means of communicating with Dalamud, which resulted in both Bahamut inside being awoken AND Nael's soul being enslaved by the elder primal. And after the original Nael's death, Bahamut transferred his essence into the woman we knew as the current Nael van Darnus we met when exploring the fragment. But little did anyone know, that Alphinaud, perhaps concerned for Alisaie's welfare, was eavesdropping on the whole conversation before skulking away. -

Man...that was...intense. And I'll admit I was an emotional wreck after finishing Another Turn in The Coil. Like as if it wasn't bad enough that big boi Bahamut had killed Louisoix, but was then using his image as an aether puppet to serve him, tormenting poor Alisaie. Poor, poor Alisaie...man my heart was breaking for her the whole time, and even Urianger was greatly affected by the whole thing, even suggesting that Alisaie take some time out from exploring the coils. Gosh, I hope Alisaie and even Alphinaud get at least some closure in later parts, or some resolution, especially Alisaie, like my heart was breaking for her this whole time, and even now as I'm typing this I'm feeling heartbroken for her all over again. She just wanted to see her grampa again, only to be met with that...it just makes my heart hurt and I want to give her a hug...😭

Well, following on from this, I should be posting a recap of my progress so far of Through the Maelstrom!

[pulisicsgirl]

Can’t believe we’re already at the end!!!!! These 7 weeks have absolutely FLOWN by!!!!!!!

Of course Mase was gonna be at the pizza party 🙈🙈 My heart hurts that they still don’t know anything about what happened on the trip 🥺 LIke even though things ended so poorly she’s being so careful of holding up her end of the bargain and not telling anyone well except for Dec 🙈

The tip jar 🥺 And his initials being in a little heart?!?!?!?! My heart can’t take any more of this

This Kenny girl can absolutely get lost 😒 And what is Ben playing at trying to set them up?? Can’t he see that Y/N is the only girl for Masey 🙄😂

I still hate how cold and stuff things are between them. Like her almost holding her breathing, waiting for him to kiss her cheek, too, only to be let down 🥺 It’s such a stark contrast to how affectionate he was before

“I’ve just has a lot on” is the lamest excuse, Mason, do betterrrrrrrrrr 🙈

I know he didn’t mean anything at all by it but Ben saying “I’m sure we can find you someone” after offering a specific partner to Mason was so hurtful 🥺 Like just almost further singling her out even though he didn’t mean it that way

The back-and-forth is still gonna make me crazy 🙈 You can’t just walk out the way you did in Portugal and still be all “Are we okay?” !!!!!!!!!! I love Masey to death, but he is, after all, just a silly boy sometimes

Y/N is so much stronger than me, being able to just shove all of that aside however temporarily it may have been and put on such a brave face

The slice of pizza as a little peace offering made me tear up a bit 🥹 And that short moment where she touched his arm and you could tell he just internally freaked out over it

But Kenny taking her piece of pizza about set me into a rage 😡 I just hate that it ruined her whole evening, but honestly it would’ve ruined mine too

And of course Kenny caught her in the hallway before she could make it out 🙄 My jaw actually dropped when she basically said Y/N had been the second choice for the trip 🫢🫢 Poor baby has been put through too much emotional turmoil in this series 🥺

But the way that Mason seemed so confused by her shift in attitude toward him 🥺 Like I’m sure he was relieved that things seemed to be going back to normal but then the complete 180 when he shows up at her house was a bit of a shock

But I was so glad he called her out on the fact that she wasn’t actually ill, instead of dancing around the elephant in the room live they’ve been doing

I love a good confession where they shout it out in a moment of frustration and it almost seems like they didn’t even mean to say it 🤭🤭

The fact that he didn’t immediately say it back had me so nervous!!!!! But him immediately calling her Muffin again or the first time in like FOREVER!!!!!

And him realizing there was so much more to it than the pizza 🙈🙈 It was honestly sort of sweet that he insisted on showing her the text to prove that what Kenny had said as a lie, because he recognized that she really didn’t have any reason to take him at his word at this point

But him immediately getting all touchy with her again??? 🤭 And then FINALLY admitting his feelings too!!!!!!!!!

“What if I want you in the way” AND WHAT IF I JUST SIT HERE AND SOB, OKAY????

Him explaining why her being in the pool had bothered him so much 🥺 If he had just mustered up the courage to tell her what he was feeling that day, all this mess could have been avoided 🥺

“We’ll find a way, I’d do anything to make this work” Mason is THE only man 🥺🥺🥺

The last instagram post and my babies have finally found their way to each other 🥹🥹

Loz this series has been an absolutely incredible rollercoaster!!!!! I’m endlessly thankful for the fact that you shoes to share your talent with us!!!!!!! I don’t know what I’m supposed to do with my Wednesday afternoons now 🥺

Love you forever, my dear 🫶

Winter Sun - Chapter 7

Note - the last chapter 🥺 from the bottom of my heart thank you all so much for all your kind words on this series. It’s been overwhelming seeing how involved you guys are, the last chapter especially and I hope this makes up for it. Feedback would be appreciated as usual and until next time, let’s enjoy our babies 🥺🩷

Pairing - Mason Mount × Reader

Word count - 8k

Warnings - series will contain fluff, smut & angst

Masterlist

‘So I have a little favour to ask’ Carly sang down the phone to you and you couldn't deny the sound of her voice filled you with joy. You'd been home from Portugal for two weeks now and you’d missed being around her everyday. Your mood significantly dropping since you’d got back home but it wasn’t just the absence of your best friend in your life that was making you miserable.

Not a word had been exchanged between you and Mason since that night he left you in bed. Not a call or a text. Nothing. No sign of life from him at all and the longer it went on the more your heart broke.

‘Oh yeah, what’s up?’ You asked her, hoping it was nothing too much as you weren’t in the mood.

‘Welllll, Ben and I were hoping to host a little gathering at the weekend and I was hoping you’d come’ she asked sweetly but you could tell there was something else.

‘You know I will, so what’s the catch’

‘Fine’ she laughed. ‘We were hoping to make it a pizza making party, like do something a little different? Bens just got the new oven installed and wants to try it out’ she explained.

‘Let me guess, you want me to make the pizza dough?’

‘Well you are a professional baker’ she giggled. ‘Pleaseeee I’ll make sure I’ve got all your favourite toppings and I’ll get you a bottle of that fancy gin you like’

‘Oh yeah?’

‘I mean you’ll have to share it with me but of course’

‘It’s fine i’ll do it you’ laughed, thinking it would probably be a good idea to socialise again after keeping to yourself for a little while but there was a thought itching away in the back of your brain. ‘Hey, Carly. Who else is gonna be there?’

‘Oh the usuals, Dec, Lauren, Woody, Kayla’ she listed off and the omission of a certain someone’s name made you relax. ‘Bens also got a friend from home here and possibly a couple of the Chelsea boys might come. Oh and Mason too, he’s free that weekend’

‘Oh so quite a few then’ you breathed, your heart sinking as she finally listed his name off but you’d already agreed to go and couldn’t back out now no matter how much you wanted to.

You thought about it the whole afternoon though. It felt too soon to see him but you knew you’d have to get it over with eventually. It’s not like you didn’t want to talk to him, often finding yourself typing something out for him to message but you were too scared to hit send on anything as he was yet to make a move himself.

When you made it home, your concierge waved you over before handing you a parcel. You took it with a smile, the box being heavier than you first anticipated as it wasn’t overly big but you managed to get it upstairs and once you were in you tore into it. Unsure of what was inside until you’d taken all the bubble wrap off to reveal the hand decorated tip jar that Mason had painted for you. Your heart leaping at the memory of when he first showed you his design and you spent the next few minutes giving it a proper look over.

It was all still there, the pretty flowers and little cakes, the heart with gwens face in but what really made you melt was the detail on the bottom you missed. His initials, MM, in a little heart and you had to bite your bottom lip to hold your emotions in.

All you could think about was messaging him, just wanting to hear his voice but after how things were left you were still feeling unsure of yourself and if he’d want to talk so you resisted. Instead looking back at videos you’d taken of the pair of you on your week away, your favourite being the one from a pool day in the middle of the week where he was giving you a tutorial on how to dive into the pool. You could hear your voice over the speaker telling him there was no chance in hell you’d ever get in there and the sarcastic pout he gave you made you smile.

You managed to hold it together but as the days became closer to seeing him you could feel yourself freaking out. You decided to throw yourself into work and the night before you distracted yourself by making all the dough for the next day. Making way more than you needed to but it seemed to be your coping mechanism for the night so you didn’t think about looking back into his brown eyes again.

When you arrived at Bens the next night you were thankful that Woody and Kayla arrived at the same time and helped you carry everything inside and once in, you made the rounds and said hello to everyone. There were a few faces you didn’t recognise and when you were sat with Carly you watched a girl come from downstairs and lounge over the back of the sofa like it was her own.

You were constantly watching the door, waiting for a specific person to show and just like usual he turned up late so you were semi caught off guard.

You heard his voice before you turned to give him a once over and you hated the way your tummy sunk at the sight of him. The last time you’d seen him he was abandoning you in your bed as he made it clear you were nothing more than someone he wanted to fuck for the week. Now he was just Mason again and you weren’t sure you’d be able to differentiate between the two.

You couldn’t take your eyes off him though, watching him say hello to everyone before he got to the girl who’d come from upstairs and they both looked thrilled to see each other. Him wrapping his arms around her waist as she buried her face his neck and you had to turn away before you burst into tears.

Who was she? And why were they so cosy? You knew the pout on your face was visible and before you could stop yourself you were tugging on Carly’s arm.

‘Hey, Carly? who’s that girl?’

‘Who, Kenny?’ She asked but you could tell she wanted to roll her eyes a bit. ‘Ben invited her, they’re old friends and she’s here for the weekend’

‘Oh right… What’s she like?

‘She fine’ she shrugged but you knew there was more to the story. ‘I wish she wouldn’t lay all over the sofa like that though’ she laughed and even though it was in jest you knew she was serious. ‘I think Ben’s been trying to set her and Mason up for a while now but I’m not sure how well it’s working’ she told you and you felt your heart sink. You didn’t push her for anything else though and soon enough you felt a hand on your shoulder that was gone as soon as it came.

‘Ladies, how are we?’ Mason smirked, leaning over to give Carly a quick kiss on the cheek before looking down at you. ‘You alright?’

‘Good thanks, you?’ You asked, keeping still just in case he tried to kiss your cheek too but he didn’t move a muscle. Looking down at you with a blank expression and you hated not being able to read him.

‘Yeah not bad. It’s good to see you’

‘You too’ you whispered. Not sure how good it was to see him right now and his standoffishness was making your heart shatter.

Mason was about to say something else when the sound of his name being called across the room startled you both. Looking to see Kenny waving him over and he gave you a sympathetic smile before leaving you alone.

You couldn’t lie, his apparent coldness hurt and you had to turn away from Carly so as not to let it show how upset you were. The fact that he couldn’t even seem to touch you in some way for more than a second made you feel rubbish and you knew you’d be in for a long night which was only made worse by the fact Mason and Kenny seemed to know each other and Ben was trying to set them up. You felt him slipping through your fingers even more and you had to give yourself a mini pep talk to carry on.

Not wanting to be a party pooper you put on your brave face and went to sit with Kayla and Woody. Catching up with everything they’d been up to and reliving your favourite holiday moments before Dec, Lauren and a few others joined you. Dec giving you a sympathetic smile but you just shrugged your shoulders. Not wanting to speak about any of it.

You could see Mason out of the corner of your eye, standing with Kenny as they chatted just the two of them and you wondered why he never came to join you until Carly called you into the kitchen and they finally joined everyone else. Realising you must have been the reason he didn't want to sit with everyone and you felt your eyes sting.

You kept away from him on purpose after that, not wanting to keep him away from his friends so you stuck into helping Carly in the kitchen until she got hot and said she wanted to go and change. Leaving you on your own to finish up cutting the pizza toppings.

‘Sorry, y/n’ you suddenly heard behind you, the sound of Mason's voice making you jump but when you turned to face him, he was standing as far away from you as he could get. ‘Shit sorry, I didn’t mean to make you jump. I was just wondering if you could grab me a glass?’ He asked quietly. Head nodding to the cupboard above your head so with a quick nod you pulled one out and handed it to him.

Your fingers brushed, just for a second, but when you looked up he was looking down still. Unable to meet your eyes so you turned back around to continue chopping.

You heard him move, thinking he would be leaving but when you felt him next to you your heart gave a thud. Carrying on chopping as he faced inwards towards the kitchen but you were waiting for him to speak first.

‘Sorry we haven’t spoken much lately, I’ve just had a lot on’ he told you quietly and you knew it was the worst excuse in the world from him. The way he didn’t care enough to be honest with you made you feel sick and you had no idea how to respond

‘S’fine’ you shrugged, eyes down as you bit the inside of your cheek.

‘No it’s not. I know I just left and that wasn't cool’

‘Its fine’

‘Y/n-‘

‘Mase?’ Ben suddenly called, head popping into the kitchen and his eyes lit up at the sight of him. ‘Ahh there you are. We’re playing Pictionary and Kenny needs a partner. You coming?’

Mason didn’t respond, his eyes flashing down to you first but you just gave him a forced smile.

‘It’s fine, go’

‘Y/n-‘

‘Y/n, you wanna come join? I’m sure we can find you someone’ Ben interjected, cutting Mason off thankfully but you just shook your head.

‘No thanks, I’ve got some stuff to finish in here’ you told Ben before looking back up into Mason's soft eyes. An unreadable expression behind them but you knew you couldn’t look at him for too long. ‘Go on, I won’t get finished otherwise’

‘You sure?’ He asked but you just sent him a nod back. Looking back down to what you were chopping before you felt him sigh and push himself up to leave. The feel of his hand on your waist making you freeze as you felt him press a fleeting kiss to the crown of your head before walking out the door to leave you on your own. Your eyes filled up immediately but you blinked the tears away and took a deep breath in to steady yourself.

He was so confusing and truth be told, you couldn’t face watching Mason with her so you kept yourself out of the way on purpose. Making up jobs in the kitchen and setting everything out for everyone else so that when Carly came back everything was good to go and it was worth it to see the smile on her face.

You let everyone else make their pizzas first, helping Woody out a little bit as he seemed to have no idea what he was doing but you didn’t dare look in Masons direction as Kenny was half draped over him. Soon enough the kitchen was clearing as people took theirs out to the new pizza oven to be cooked and you felt like you were able to take a breath.

After everything that had happened tonight you weren’t very hungry but now everyone had left you could make yours in peace and you were almost done when you felt a presence beside you and you knew who it was immediately

‘You still going?’ Mason asked, taking a seat beside you as you popped the last of your toppings on

‘I’m almost done, I want it to be perfect’ you told him quietly ‘I take pizza very seriously’

‘Well yours looks way better than mine’ he huffed and you sent him a small smile. ‘Are we okay?’ He asked carefully, his voice small and scared almost and when you finally made eye contact with him you saw how sad he looked.

‘Why wouldn’t we be?’

‘You just seem… quiet’

‘Long day’ you shrugged, gulping back your emotions but before you could say anything else you heard people start to filter back inside. ‘Go on, yours is probably done. I’ll just cook mine and be in’

He didn’t reply, just stood up with a sigh as you were already making your way outside where now only Ben and Carly were. You told them you were fine to finish up if they wanted to go inside and you were left with just your thoughts.

You were being miserable and you knew you were and you knew you had to snap out of it. You were the one who caught feelings, clearly he hadn’t so this was a you issue and if you didn’t fix up you were risking ruining the whole friendship group.

Before any of this Mason was a friend and the friendship came first. There was no point dwelling on what had happened and the fact that nothing probably ever would again but you missed being civil with him more than anything so after a quick pep talk you told yourself you’d make an effort with him to be normal. You’d leave the past in the past and move on so you could have your friend back as that was the most important thing. Even if that meant watching him fawn over someone else.

These things don’t work out like you want them too sometimes and that’s okay. But your mood wasn’t and after the realisation hit you, you made sure you’d be cherpier when you went back inside.

You felt lighter as you made your way back in, stopping in the kitchen to cut your pizza up and as if by magic Mason appeared. Walking over to the fridge to grab a drink before standing opposite you.

‘I came to check up on your masterpiece’ he smiled sweetly but he seemed taken aback as you looked back at him with a bright smile.

‘Oh yeah? What do you think’ you asked, showing it to him proudly with a wide smile and your sudden change of demeanour had him looking at you bewildered but he soon mirrored your expression and smiled back at you widely.

‘I think, I probably should have asked you to make mine’ he laughed, eyes wide as he looked over your food and you figured this would be a good time to give him an olive branch and let him know everything was okay.

‘Here, why don’t you take this bit’ you told him, popping a slice on his plate and the rosy blush that took over his cheeks made you smile.

‘No I-I couldn’t’ he stuttered, looking at you like he was in shock but you nodded at him encouragingly.

‘Please? I’ll never finish it all. I want you to have some’ you told him, placing your hand on his arm and his eyes flashed to where you were touching him before looking at you with a soft smile.

‘Thank you’ he whispered but before anything else could be said, Carly was calling you over to sit with her.

‘I’m gonna go eat, but I’ll see you in a bit, yeah?’

‘Okay’ he breathed, a huge smile on his face as he looked at you and you hated the fact that all you wanted to do was kiss him but with one last smile you let him go and took your seat next to Carly.

You sat and listened to everyone talking, chipping in when you needed to but your eyes were on Mason and Kenny, hating the way she looked at him and even worse the way he was looking at her. You told yourself outside you’d have to get used to it but it was going to take more than one evening to do that.

You ignored it though until you couldn’t, watching them discuss the pizza on his plate before she picked up the slice you’d given him from yours and take a massive bite from it.

You were filled with rage instantly. That slice was meant for him, a peace offering of sorts to let him know that the pair of you would be okay and he’d just handed it over to his new play thing like it was nothing.

Your appetite was gone in an instant so you let Carly know you were quickly running to the loo so you could sort yourself out but memories of you and Mason getting physical on this very counter made your blood boil and you just wanted to go home.

Everywhere you looked you could see him and you knew you couldn’t stick around much longer.

Everyone had disbursed by the time you got back downstairs but you found Carly as quickly as you could so you could say goodbye before slipping out.

‘I don’t wanna cause a fuss, I’ll just go it’s fine’ you told her with a weak smile. ‘It’s been a long day and I just don’t feel great’

‘Oh no’ she pouted, pulling you into her body for a hug and you had to bite your lip so you didn’t cry. ‘You sure you’re alright?’

‘I’m fine. I’m just gonna head out before anyone sees. Just tell them I don’t feel good if anyone asks’ you told her and even though she was pouting at you tried not to let it bother you too much as you hated upsetting her and if you carried on seeing how sad she was you’d end up staying.

You’d almost made it out the door when a voice you didn’t recognise called your name and you turned to see Kenny smiling at you sweetly.

‘Hey, I don't believe we’ve met. I’m Kenny, you’re y/n right?’

‘Uh yeah, that’s me’

‘I thought so, I recognised you from everyone’s holiday pictures. I was so jealous but I’m so happy my spot wasn’t wasted’ she smiled but her words confused you.

‘What do you mean, your spot?’

‘Oh Mason didn't tell you?’ She asked, brows raising in shock like she couldn’t believe you didn’t know but you could tell she was about to take some satisfaction in filling you in. ‘I was meant to go with him originally but like a week before I had a really important job come up and I had to back out. I told Mason to find someone else to take and he mentioned you guys were friends. You know what Masons like he probably didn’t want to say anything and upset you’

Her words sliced through you, gaping holes left in your chest at the idea of being just an afterthought for Mason. Second choice, just like normal. You felt like you couldn’t take in a proper breath and you were hoping she didn’t notice how her words were tearing to pieces but even if she did you weren’t sure she would have cared. ‘Don’t worry though, he’s promised me a solo trip just the two of us soon to make up for it’ she laughed before her eyes were back on you. ‘You're leaving so soon?’

‘Yeah I’m not feeling great, I'm just gonna head home’ you said quietly, eyes on the floor so she couldn’t see the pain in them and you stuffed yourself into your coat so you could leave.

‘Oh okay, well hopefully see you around’ she told you sweetly but all you could do was nod before rushing out of the door.

You could barely focus as you drove home. Feeling even more used now that you knew you were his back up. Probably only sleeping with you as you were all he had to choose from and you felt even dirtier than before.

You’d really let yourself believe you meant a little something to him but you couldn’t stand thinking about him anymore. Even if you were only friends you thought he would have treated you with a bit more respect than this.

You were even more emotional when you finally got to the safety of your flat. Tears filling your eyes but you resisted the urge to let them escape. Jumping in the shower before changing into a comfy pair of pjs so you could get ready for bed and cry your little heart out but fate wasn’t on your side tonight.

You thought about ignoring the knock on your door, but it was late so you knew it wasn’t random. Opening up the door with a huff to reveal the last person you wanted to see and the sight of him raised your blood pressure.

‘Mason, what do you want?’ You asked with furrowed brows and you knew you looked pissed from the way he was looking back at you.

‘Charming’ he laughed, but you didn’t react. Watching his face drop a little bit but he carried on. ‘Carly said you weren’t feeling too well I was just coming to check on you’

‘There’s no need, I’m fine’ you told him bluntly but just like usual Mason was giving up without a fight.

‘Can I come in then?’

‘Where’s Kenny’ you questioned, eyebrow raised but he looked even more confused at this.

‘How should I know?’ He scoffed, looking at you like you’d lost your mind and you realised you couldn't send him away no matter how much you wanted to. Hoping he’d see you weren’t in the mood for visitors and leave but this was Mason you were talking about and as soon as you moved aside to let him in you wished you hadn’t of.

He walked through your flat, making his way to the living room where he perched himself on the arm of the sofa so he could face you as you stood far away from him in the doorway. Hands behind your back as he played with his in his lap, both in silence for a beat until he looked up at you with his big eyes and you nearly lost it.

‘Are you gonna tell me what’s really wrong? Cause you look fine’ he told you and you felt your anger rise up in your throat.

‘Oh and you’re the authority on who’s sick then are you? Sorry I didn't realise I had to meet your standards to pass. What do you want me to do, cough up a lung? Would you believe me then?’

‘What the hells gotten into you?’ He laughed, a look of disbelief on his face and you knew you had to tone it down a little bit.

‘Nothing’ you huffed, eyes on the floor so he couldn't read you but you saw him shuffle about uncomfortably.

‘Well it has. Look I know things have been a little weird since Portugal but I’m only here for a few days and I…’

‘And what?’

‘I miss you’ he whispered. You heart breaking at the sound of his voice but you knew you had to stay firm. ‘Things aren’t the same as they used to be. What happened to the contract? Friendship comes first and all that shit? You can barely look at me now’ he told you, unable to hide the hurt in his voice but you were too upset to let it affect you. ‘Last time we spoke at Ben's things seemed better and now you’ve gone all cold again’

‘I said already, I don’t feel well’

‘You don’t expect me to believe that’

‘Believe what you want’ you mumbled and the sigh that he let out almost broke your heart.

‘I hate all this, being off with each other and stuff. Why can’t we just go back to how it was?’

‘Cause I fucking like you, you idiot!’ you suddenly exploded, silencing him immediately as he stared at you in shock and you knew you needed to take it down a peg. ‘I like you’ you told him, your voice sounding vulnerable and small as your eyes fell to the floor. ‘I know about the contract and I remember the rules but I like you. And I’ve been trying to make it stop but I can’t and then you shared my pizza that I gave you with some random girl I’ve never seen before right in front of me’

‘It’s just pizza, Muffin’ he said quietly, trying to hide the smile on his face but you saw it clear as day. He hadn’t called you Muffin since the second to last day in Portugal, the sound making your knees weak and your eyes water but you were determined not to show him what he was doing to you.

‘It’s the principle’ you huffed shakily, wanting him to understand how insignificant he’d made you feel and by the way his eyes dropped you think he got the picture. ‘It hurt, Mase’

‘I didn’t mean to hurt you’ he told you softly, standing up to be closer to you and when he reached for your hand you let him take it. ‘That’s the last thing I’d want to do. Truth is I never actually gave it to her, she picked it up off my plate before I could say anything. I was actually pretty pissed cause I wanted to eat it, like I’d saved it till last on purpose and I knew I couldn’t ask you for another bit’ he laughed, trying to make you smile and you almost conceded. ‘There’s something else though, isn’t there’

‘What do you mean?’

‘It’s not just the pizza you’re upset about. Something else is wrong’ he stated and you froze.

What did he expect you to say?

You’d admitted you liked him and even though he hadn’t said it back he also hadn't shot you down. If anything he looked lighter from your confession and you figured you had nothing left to lose so you decided to be honest.

‘That girl.. the one who stole my pizza’

‘Kenny?’

‘Who is she?’ You whispered. Your voice sounding scared like you might not like the answer but from the way Mason was looking at you you felt yourself settling down.

‘A friend of Bens from back home. I didn’t meet her that long ago but he introduced us cause she lives in Manchester now’ he explained and you hated the fact she lived so close to him.

‘Oh, so you haven’t known her long?’

‘Not really. Why?’ He asked and even though it was petty you just shrugged your shoulders. ‘Hey come on. What happened?’ He asked, pulling you back towards the arm of the sofa and in between his legs so he could hold your waist but you kept your arms crossed in front of you. ‘Please tell me, Muffin. I can’t help if I don’t know’

‘When you told me you’d paid for my part of the holiday already and were waiting to convince me, were you telling the truth?’ You asked quietly, not wanting to look him in the eyes so you focused on his shoulder instead but you could see from the corner of your eye the confused look on his face.

‘Of course I was. Why? Did someone say something different?’

‘She told me that space was booked for her. That you’d invited her first but a job came up and she couldn’t go so that’s why you never asked me sooner cause it never really was for me. I was just back up but you didn’t want to upset me’

‘First of all, that’s bullshit. It was always meant for you and I’ve got the texts to prove it’ he told you, reaching for his phone to prove his point but you felt a little silly now.

‘Mase it’s fine-‘

‘No, I wanna show you. I don’t want you to think that when it wasn’t that at all’ he told you, his voice hard but you knew his frustrations weren’t aimed at you.

‘See, it was always for you’ he told you gently, your heart sinking at the fact you’d believed her so easily.

‘Why did she say that to me then?’

‘Cause she’s probably annoyed you ended up going’ he laughed. ‘Look, I’ll admit I took her out on a date a few weeks before I came down that weekend we… you know for the first time’ he explained. ‘Nothing special, just dinner and some drinks and she asked about any plans over the winter break and this came up. I think Ben must have mentioned it already and she told me she was up for it if your space was available and I said I’d let her know. Obviously it wasn’t and she got a bit jealous I guess and wanted to make you feel a bit shit about it’

‘Well mission accomplished’ you laughed, uncrossing your arms so you didn’t look so defensive but you were still a little uncomfortable so you just played with your fingers and he let out a gentle sigh.

‘Muffin, who are we trying to kid?’ He asked you softly, your eyes on his face immediately and the soft look on his face made your knees weak.

‘What do you mean?’

‘I mean, there’s clearly something here. Why are we trying so hard to fight it?’ He asked quietly and you felt your breath catch in the back of your throat. ‘Did you mean what you said earlier?’

‘Depends, what did I say?’ You laughed and he squeezed your hips softly.

‘When you said you liked me, did you mean it?’ He questioned, wanting an answer but you weren’t ready to speak so you just nodded, hoping that would be enough for him. ‘Well, I like you too. A lot in fact, more than I ever intended to. And I know it’s against the rules but fuck all that’ he laughed. ‘Why are we fighting so hard against what we want?’

‘I’m not sure’ you whispered, eyes finally meeting his and you smiled at him but his last words to you in Portugal were still ringing in your ears. ‘I guess after what you said on our last night away and how you were for that whole day, I just didn’t think you’d ever want anything more from me. You made me feel like crap, like you got what you wanted and you were done’

You watched the hurt flash over his features, reliving his words to you from that night and even though he hadn’t said a lot, he knew his words along with his actions had really upset you.

‘I didn’t say any of that stuff cause I believed it’ he sighed. ‘You don’t know how many times that night I came back to your door ready to knock it down and tell you how I was feeling. Why do you think I left that night like I was going out of my mind and I was crying like a baby’ he laughed but your heart broke at the sound of his confession. ‘I was so caught up in you and then reality hit that I probably can’t give you what you want. What you deserve’

‘What do you mean?’ You asked quietly, hands finally resting on his chest as you reached out to touch him and he smiled and pulled you in closer at the gesture.

‘You’re this big scary boss lady who’s got so much going for her, you know? Like you’ve got your whole little empire and that’s your world. I thought being with me would be too much for you or something. I’m so far away now and I can’t give you the time you deserve. Maybe I’m not making that much sense’

‘You’re really not’ you laughed, thinking he looked adorable when he rambled but you knew he wanted to carry on so you let him.

‘I’m so proud of you and everything you are and everything that you have. I guess I don’t want to get in the way of that’

‘What if I want you in the way?’ You asked and he looked up at you hopefully. Flashing you your favourite smile that you hadn’t seen in what felt like a lifetime and you had to really hold back to not kiss him. ‘Yes I’m busy and yes I have a lot of stuff to do but do you remember what you said to me on the stairs at Ben's house before we went away?’

‘I said a lot of stuff’ he winked, clearly reliving all the ways he’d tried to woo you on the stairs and you blushed as you remembered his words.

‘You did’ you laughed, nodding your head as you moved your hands to his shoulders. ‘But you said everyone’s got time, you just have to make it. And you Mason, I’d be more than willing to make time for you’

‘Yeah?’ he questioned with a laugh and you nodded reassuring him before his face fell. ‘I’m really sorry. I feel like I’ve acted like such a brat’

‘Did I do something?’ You whispered, wanting to get to the bottom of what really happened. ‘I feel like that last day it went all wrong. You just left without a word and didn’t even try to make it right’

‘I know, I was trying to run away I think. I knew I pushed it too far that night before and we broke all the rules but I was past the point of caring. All I wanted was to wake up next to you that morning, kiss you and tell you how I really felt. But you’d gone and then I saw you in the pool with Chilly and it drove me mad’

‘He was teaching me how to swim, Mase’

‘I know’ he laughed, looking like he realised how silly he sounded but you knew there was more to it. ‘But you told me you wouldn’t ever get in the pool for me and after we’d had the day before and it was so perfect, I could feel myself caring more than I knew I should. It fucking hurt that you didn’t ask me and I know it sounds stupid cause it is so I thought it was best to shut it down. I should of handled it differently though I’m sorry’

‘I’m sorry Mase, I didn’t even think. I never meant to make you feel like that’

‘I know you didn’t’ he smiled, pulling you in closer so that your bodies were flush against each other now. ‘There’s nothing to be sorry for I was just jealous’

‘Is that why you spoke to those girls that night?’

‘That looked worse than it was, but I get it didn’t look great so I’m sorry’ he whispered, looking at you with eyes full of guilt but you just nodded. ‘The guys were going in at me at the bar about you and asking why I hadn’t spoken to any other girls that week and then she practically crashed into me. She was as drunk as anything but she told me she was a fan so I spoke to her hoping the boys would leave me alone. She was falling all over me though and I could barely hear her so I tried to steady her and let her know I’d walk her back to her table but you with your incredible timing popped up at the worst possible moment’ he laughed. ‘But I walked her back and then her friends were asking me loads of questions about United so I just sat with them for a bit to get the others off my back but as soon as Dec told me you were out of it I left them’

‘I know’ you whispered, silently relieved that things weren’t as they seemed. ‘Thank you for looking after me’

‘You don’t have to thank me, all I care about is you being okay and I get it didn’t seem like that sometimes’ he sighed. ‘That whole day I knew it was gonna be my last with you and I was miserable. Didn’t wanna do anything or speak to anyone, like once I was over my strop that morning I just wanted to hold you cause I knew I wouldn’t be allowed to the next day. I was terrified of talking to you about anything cause I knew I’d get upset so I just didn’t and then when we went out I thought if I wasn’t around you then I could push it all down and move on and maybe by the time we saw each other again it’d be alright but as soon as I saw you earlier I knew I’d messed up. I don't think I can be just friends with you now Muffin, it’s not gonna work. Not when I know I want so much more from you’

‘Really?’ You breathed, your bottom lip wobbling as his worlds sunk in.

‘Promise. That holiday just proved to me I’d do absolutely anything for you and these last few weeks without you have been hell’ he confessed. ‘I’ve missed you. So much’ he whispered, kissing your cheek and you blushed at his words. ‘Missed holding you and kissing you and pretending that you’re mine. I’m fed up with pretending though like I’ve had enough of it’

‘Me too’ you laughed, thinking his stroppy expression was adorable but your smile made him smile too.

‘So we’re gonna do this then?’ He asked hopefully and you knew you couldn’t deny him.

‘I think so’ you nodded, holding him close as you squeezed each other tightly. ‘I have no idea how or anything but we can sort it out. I just know I want you’

‘We’ll find a way, I’d do anything to make this work’ he assured you and you couldn’t take it anymore. Leaning forward to finally kiss him like you’d wanted to for the longest time and he reciprocated straight away. Lightly brushing his lips against yours as the pair of you tried to not smile but it was too difficult. Giggling onto each other's lips before you pulled away and you just hoped you mirrored the joy that was so plainly written over Mason's face.

‘How I’ve gone that long without kissing you I’ll never know’ he told you, pressing another heavy kiss to your lips. ‘How about we start a Sugar Mumma franchise in Manchester?’ He teased, eyebrows wiggling to let you know he was only half joking but you quite liked the sound of it.

‘I mean I’m always looking for opportunities to expand’ you laughed, pulling back to look into his eyes and they were the happiest you’d seen him all evening and knowing it was because of you made you blush.

‘You gonna let me be your muffin man, then?’ He joked, referencing the fact he always asked if you had found your Mr. Muffin but little did he know he’d been your muffin man all along.

You quickly escaped from his arms so you could grab your phone, wanting to show him something he’d never seen before and when you returned he sat you down in his lap with his arms crossed over your front before he kissed your neck softly.

‘I wanna show you something’ you laughed, quickly opening up your messages to reveal to him the name you had him under in your contacts and you watched his face as the realisation hit him before he looked at you softly. ‘You’ve always been my muffin man’

‘How long has it been like that?’ He laughed, squeezing you a little tighter as he kissed your cheek but you didn’t have time to answer him as a notification from Dec came through and you were left confused.

‘What’s that supposed to mean?’ You questioned aloud. Looking up at Mason but you could tell from his shy face that he knew what was going on. ‘Mase?’

‘Well I realised pretty quickly you’d gone but I didn’t know what to do so I waited until Woody asked and when Carly said you didn’t feel well I knew something was off’ he shrugged. ‘You were fine before we ate so I went into another room to try and call you but Dec found me before I got a chance and when I told him what I was doing he gave me a bit of a talking to’ he gulped, his face going as red as you’d ever seen it and you weren’t sure if you wanted to hear anymore. ‘Don’t be upset with him but he told me about when you spoke after I’d left. I don't think he told me everything but I got the main parts and I felt like such a knob. He told me he’d bang our heads together if I didn’t come over and make things right so I left and I guess he thinks if we’ve worked it out then it’s all down to him’

‘Well he’s been suspicious from the start I guess’ you shrugged. ‘You know he told me he’d love for you to have someone like me? That I could be just what you need’

‘I mean he’s not wrong but when did he say that?’

‘Day of the boat trip, when we got back from dinner and you had a word with him. I think he only kept teasing cause he was trying to push us together’

‘Well he should have saved himself the bother, I’ve been yours for a while’ he winked and you felt yourself cuddle into him as you blushed.

‘Really?’

‘Of course, had me hooked since that first chocolate muffin’ he confessed. ‘I like you a lot and I didn’t want you to think I’m like what everyone else sees me as. I love having you in my life and I love having you as a friend but lately I couldn’t help but see you as more’ he told you truthfully. ‘And then you showed up at my birthday looking hot as hell like you’re enough to drive anyone insane’ he teased and his words made you giggle as you tried to hide your face in your hands.

‘I never thought you’d see me as more than a friend’ you laughed, holding him tighter as he peppered kisses to your cheek. ‘And I love being your friend but I’ve always had a soft spot for you’

‘We can still be friends’ he told you softly. Kissing your cheek gently before smiling down at you. ‘Well just be extra special friends who kiss and get to see each other naked’ he teased and you rolled your eyes playfully. ‘Plus now you're my girl you get a prime face time slot’

‘Are you ever serious?’ You laughed, turning in his arms so you could pull him into a hug and you shivered at the way he tucked himself into your neck.

‘I’m serious about you’ he whispered into your skin and you couldn’t contain your smile but you knew in the back of your mind this wouldn’t be as simple as you wanted it to be. ‘What’s wrong, muffin?’

You gave him a sad smile, your heart thumping at how he was able to read you so easily before shrugging lightly. ‘Just worrying’

‘Well don’t, there’s nothing to worry about’

‘Well there is. What’s everyone gonna say? I know Carly will be upset I kept this from her’

‘Wanna know a secret?’ He whispered, his voice sounding playful and you looked up at him in confusion. ‘I think she knows’

‘How? Did you say something?’

‘Of course not, but just like my best friend figured it out I think yours has too. Probably knew before we knew ourselves. Remember when we were at the airport and you made your big entrance?’ He teased, making you hide your face in embarrassment but he was quick to pull your hands apart. ‘She came over to speak to me, mainly just to say thank you for the surprise but she asked me if something was going on between us as she knew you always keep your cards close to your chest’

‘Well now I feel even worse’

‘You don’t have to, she knows you’ll tell her when you’re ready’ he reassured you. Kissing you softly before squeezing your hip. ‘Are you working tomorrow?’

‘Gave myself the day off’ you told him, shaking your head into his neck and you felt him squeeze you tighter.

‘Well I’m staying at Woodlands Park, treated myself to a suite but it’s a bit pointless on my own. Will you come and stay with me tonight?’

‘Really?’ You asked, excitement bubbling through you as you knew it was super fancy there and you’d always wanted to go but the fact you got to spend the night with Mason after so long was even more appealing. You pulled back to look at him, laughing as he gave your bum a cheeky pinch and he nodded at you shyly.

‘Of course, I don’t wanna go back there without you’ he whispered and you knew you didn’t want to leave him either. ‘I promise I’ll get you room service in the morning’ he laughed, trying to convince you further but you were already wanting to free yourself from his grip so you could grab your things.

‘Give me five minutes and I’ll be ready’ you laughed, reaching down so you could kiss him again quickly before sorting yourself out but he held you close to him so you couldn’t move. His face serious when you looked at him

‘Thank you, Muffin. I’ve honestly been miserable without you and I’m really glad we get to start again’ he told you truthfully. Your eyes stinging as you nodded back at him softly before he kissed your forehead. ‘We’ll do it the right way this time, yeah? No more secrets or ground rules or whatever else. We’ll just be honest with each other about our feelings and we’ll go from there okay?’

‘Okay’ you whispered, loving the way Mason made it sound so easy when you knew it probably wouldn’t be but you also knew there was no one else you wanted to try this hard with and when he lent forward to capture your lips again, you let him. Content being back in his arms and thankful you’d broken all your rules for him.

y/n

liked by masonmount, carlywlms_, declanrice and others

y/n My muffin man 🥹🩷

view comments

masonmount all this time I’ve been muffin without you 😘

y/n you’re lucky you’re cute 😩

declanrice I called it (congrats)

y/n 🙄 (thanks)

carlywlms_ so happy for you 🩷

y/n love you 🩷 calling you right now

carlywlms_ you better 😉

okaylaaa oh she’s hard launching 😏

y/n were starting as we mean to go on 😌

benchilwell okay I did not see this coming but I love it

carlywlms_ well you must be the only one who didn’t Jesus Ben where have you been?

y/n yeah Ben, get with it

laurenfryer_ so it really was a couples holiday after all 🥹

y/n we just felt a bit left out

masonmount yeah it’s nothing serious, she’ll be done with me in a week

y/n cute he thinks I’m gonna give him a week

woody_ can you two just get married already? You make me sick

masonmount as joyous as ever woody

nadds__ well I can’t say I didn’t see this coming but I’m so happy for you 🥹

y/n thank you 🩷 I’m concerned as to why everyone could see it but us

masonmount love is blind, muffin. And you need you eyes tested 🤪

lukeshaw23 finally we can go on double dates now you don’t know how long I’ve waited

y/n ooooo yes please 🤭

masonmount not luke asking you out on a date before I did

kaihavertz29 okay I’m so out of the loop, can’t believe my boyfriend has a girlfriend

y/n how did I not know my boyfriend has a boyfriend

masonmount miss you bro ☹️

Tagged: @footiehoemcfc @prideofpd @yoursselo @chelseachilly @willow-writer-ivy @katharinanadiaa @mmountseb @carlottawllms @saltyheartnightmare @masonmtxo @harvestmount @chillymountsjess @treblebluesblog @pulisicsgirl @bluesswift @feelinglikeineedlotsofnaps

[jjk-biased]

youtuber! jungkook x youtuber! reader

crack! social media au

genre: fluff, crack, some angst

chapter summary: after somehow placing 2nd overall on OGN's e-sports festival, jin fulfills his bet by taking you and your friends to lotte world for a hopefully stress-free and peaceful day.

words: 1.8k (cannot be read as standalone)

warnings: aside from cussing, none!

24. unsaid feelings

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The fireworks painted the dark sky with bright hues of red and blue. And while it could be the most beautiful view they've ever seen, Jungkook would beg to differ.

You were his prettiest view. The way your eyes would twinkle at each spark. How bright your smile would become as the glitters danced in the sky. The way your delicate hand encased in his would tighten at each exciting moment.

You were breathtaking.

Jungkook had long since ceased watching the show. He instead chose to observe your reactions to it with a dumb smile on his face. It was adorable. You were adorable.

Finally feeling his gaze on you, you found yourself turning red. Your eyes met his, then you two leaned closer.

and closer

and closer.

Until your lips were a few centimeters apart.

As the last and greatest firework exploded, you two ki—

“WAKE THE HELL UP YOU DORKS!!!”

for fucks’ sake.

Laughter rang throughout the living room as Jungkook fell from the couch. They all slept at Namjoon’s house once again after the e-sports festival had ended and it extended until today. Like how the first sleepover turned out, everyone fell asleep in the living room.

“Noisy much, Jin?” You grumble, also waking up from Jin’s morning call.

“If we wanna enjoy Lotte World and get there early, y’all shoulda been up and about.”

“IT’S ONLY 7 AM WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?!”

Hoseok, who somehow already had an immense amount of energy, cackled at you and Jungkook’s state. The others wordlessly began to wash their faces, some opted to help Jin with breakfast.

After a long time of preparing, the rambunctious group of friends finally went on their trip to Lotte World.

Unbeknownst to you and Jungkook, however, the little shits had planned something that you’re not sure whether to be thankful of or angry at.

Jungkook had finally admitted to everyone else, while you were fast asleep on the floor in between Namjoon and Hoseok, that he had been harboring a genuine liking towards you. He had gone to sleep not long after, and that was when Taehyung began to brew plans to give him a little push.

It’s been awhile since you’ve gone to any amusement park, so you had a child-like wonder painted on your face when everyone went in. It was absolutely adorable to say the least and even if Jungkook was unable to say it out loud, his dopey grin was enough.

You all thought it was a good idea to start the peaceful day with death disguised as rollercoasters. You’re sure you know who wanted everyone to die so early in the day, the terrified looks of all but one little shit told you more than you need to know.

“Do we really have to do what he says?” You grumble as Jungkook basks in his success.

“Might as well do it now when the line isn’t as long…” Yoongi trailed off, slowly losing the confidence he had stored in when he heard the shrieks of the people.

Luck might not be with you today when everyone scrambled to sit at the safest parts of the cart— which is everywhere but the first row. Moreover, the only person left to sit with you was none other than the idiot responsible for your demise that day.

“Hurry up pumpkin, you’re so slow!”

Whatever retort you wanted to throw was shoved in your throat when the staff secured your death seat.

“Aw is little pumpkin scared?”

“For the last time, jungleboy, I am nOT LI— FUCK THIS RIDE AAAAAH”

To say the least, your luck took a vacation and left you to suffer with Jungkook and the others.

Everyone decided to eat lunch after that traumatizing event. Namjoon and Jin were scouting for a place to eat, Hoseok and Yoongi decided to look for food choices, and that left you with the three youngest idiots of your idiot group to explore the rigged booths.

There was a shooting game where you just had to knock over the pyramid of cans to get the fluffiest alpaca ever. And while you’ve ingrained it in your mind that these games are scams, the child in you couldn’t resist wanting to win one because 1) alpaca soft 2) alpaca big.

Jungkook wasn’t an idiot— dear lord, someone tell him — or at least he could tell the meaning of your longing stare towards the cute alpaca plush.

With a sigh, he stopped you from doing one of the most dramatic “goodbyes” ever to an alpaca plush and tried for the game.

“Step right up, mister! Win anything in this booth for your girlfriend for the small price of ₩5,000!”

“Oh, w-we aren’t— he isn’t,” you pathetically denied. It seemed you were the only one who got embarrassed though because Jungkook didn’t deny anything.

He did it with so much ease that even the staff was left speechless at his show. Maybe it was the alpaca he gave you talking, but damn did butterflies erupt in your tummy. He looked so cool shooting the cans with so much focus. To think he spent money and did so just for you, you were sure your heart melted (and it wasn’t because of the heat!!)

You thought the funny feeling would die down after.

Boy were you wrong.

Time after time after time again, he never failed to make you feel giddy inside.

When the two of you were paired up for this horror house, he never made you feel embarrassed. He instead offered his arm to you, even going as far as wrapping said arm around you so you could find refuge in him when a particular bit scares you more. Poor boy was too flustered from the entire ordeal to even notice some of the scarers.

Then there was this time where he cheered out of glee when you won from one of the booths. (you two used Jin’s money though lmao) He had complimented you endlessly on how “great you were, pumpkin!”

Though he’d often tease you about your shorter stature, he lets you use him as a shade from the harsh sunlight. It was a small but nice gesture.

Everyone else retreated to the restrooms after thinking it was a good idea to drink a lot before going to the teacups ride. The look on their faces was a memory you’ll never forget.

You two sat on one of those benches nearby and began to talk about random things— ramens and gaming included. Jungkook received a text from Jimin saying that the lines were too long and they could roam around while waiting.

“How about we go to those souvenir shops? I wanna buy something now before it gets too crowded,” You suggested, pointing to the array of stores.

“I don’t mind that, let’s go!” He cheered, taking hold of your hand (you don’t know if he’s aware of that or not but it made you red).

The next hour was spent trying on dorky thingamajigs and whatnot. After trying on a pair of funny specs, you decided it was time to go back to checking out rides.

The sun had begun to set and pink hues scattered through the sky. It allowed for a more calm and serene mood to set in as you two walked, your arms linked, and roamed around the parks (as well as trying to ignore the bustling noise of happy kids and crying babies lmfao)

Ramen, that was the name of the alpaca Jungkook won for you, was safely tucked in his arms. You, on the other hand, were busy munching on the popcorn that Jungkook bought (it was supposed to be for himself but you had your ways)

You probably didn’t hear whatever was going around, too busy eating his popcorn to care, but Jungkook heard every murmur people threw your way. Admittedly, he wished that you two were actually a couple like the little kid said

He wasn’t sure how it began. You two started on a rather weird meeting— with you mocking his so-called fifth grader level skills in Overwatch to him replying rather pettily to win the argument. Somewhere down the line, you two actually had common friends and were forced to meet. That was the moment he was taken aback by you.

Well honestly, he was always taken aback.

You were witty; always had comebacks ready to deploy for every remark he had. You were skilled; not only a master at time management for balancing college life with your career, but also great at gaming. You were kind-hearted; though your verbal jabs were piercing, he knew you meant no harm.

You were too good for this world.

So when he had scared you, rather unintentionally, with a horror game, he regretted it so much. But to be honest, he was also thankful for that day. God knows he probably wouldn’t have had the chance to “restart” how he treated you if he hadn’t fucked up.

You probably didn’t notice how his teasing now focused more on the thought of you with him. While he isn’t the best at conveying romantic feelings, he was absolutely fluent in memes.

Thank god for memes.

But at some point, he does have to tell you what’s going on. He can’t stay in this weird space with you— somewhere between friends who fight and friends who flirt. With a shaky sigh, he decided today was the day.

As if the universe were with him, you then finally noticed his silence. It was heart-warming to see concern in your pretty face when you took note of the unusual quietness.

“Are you okay, kook?”

Like a goldfish out of water, he opened his mouth then closed it again.

Fuck, it was harder than he thought.

Thousands of thoughts went through his head. Will you take him seriously? Will you stop being friends? Will you hate him for the feelings he harbored?

Every negative thought disappeared at the sound of your amused laugh.

He reminds himself why he liked you so much and gathers little courage to speak out his mind.

This is it.

Oh my god, this is it.

“Y/N, I have something to tell you…” He trailed off, now facing her properly. (poor Ramen was being squeezed to death)

You became nervous. Did he notice my staring? Holy shit is he gonna tell me I’m weird?

“I think I li—”

“Y/N!”

Internally groaning at yet another interruption, Jungkook turned to whoever decided to call you out. It was a guy, definitely older than you. He turned to you, silently questioning if you knew the intruder, and was surprised to see none of your cheery aura.

You were livid.

“Daniel Y/L/N.”

a/n: tumblr decided to be a bitch and didn't save every edit i made so this took awhile. also, #danielisoverparty and oops, y'all thought Daniel was an ex lmao ig i made him sound too ex-y 🤡

taglist: @armymaknae @rjsmochii @chogiyeol-utopia @deolly @liitlefaiiery @patpus @br0ther-s @borednia @tyraparker @ancailinaerach @tae165 @cherrycolababie @nininek12 @atulipandarose @hannahdinse8 @hereforaus @amoreguk @thewariestofheads @parkmaeri @thia-aep @diorhobii @seungcheoluwu @mipetronella @callmesenpaix @jungshookmeup @yoongisabby @parkchaeyoung1997 @alpaca1612 @bangtan-serendipity @karissassirak @fullsunkook @salty-for-suga @cholychi @smolbeaniejimin @netflix-batman-sleep @snickerdoodleeee @faeriegukkie @kpop4mysoul @crazylittlemay @theneighborhoodfangirl

permanent taglist: @luvinseokjinnie @97faerie

[7wanderingpaws]

Simply, Yours. (5)

Pairing: Baekhyun x reader

Genre: family AU, hapkido teacher AU

Word count: 3.1K

Warnings: cursing

a/n: Finally I am updating this little story! I havent updated it in a long while for which I apologise, it wasnt my intention :( But there will be a slight twist in their “planned” pregnancy so... I cant wait to have a little fun 😁  I am always eager to hear your opinions.🙌 Stay safe!

MASTERLIST

PARTS: 1 . 2 . 3 . 4 . 5

This time, Baekhyun was the first one to be awake. Stirring a little bit around, he turned to his right side where your back was facing him, your hair splayed out on the pillow like a wild willow tree.

Scurrying a little closer, he brought his pillow to yours, his arm finding your sweet middle as he breathed in your fresh scent. He really liked moments like these, when the sun had yet to rise, the clock had yet to struck 6 and  you had yet to wake up, while he could just indulge in looking at you without being interrupted by anything or anyone.

Plus, the fact that few days had already passed since both you and him found out about your state did not mean he got used to the idea of suddenly three people occupying this bed. What a miracle, he thought. What a blessing.

Baekhyun carefully maneuvered himself out of the bed, his feet gently tapping on the wooden floor as he tiptoed to your side to turn off your alarm clock. He wanted to be the one to surprise you and wake you up with healthy breakfast in bed before both of you would have to head out to your work places.

Today he had a hapkido class with university students and as much as he loved the class, he just wanted to spend time with you.

He was just in the middle of pouring thick and rich pumpkin porridge into the last bowl when he heard you open the bedroom door.

“Baekhyun, what are you doing up so early?” you murmured, your voice low and heavy. “Sorry, it seems like I forgot to turn on the alarm clock. I would have done the breakfast myself,” you continued walking to his side to take the big pot out of his hand so that you could do it instead of him.

Baekhyun continued his job, not budging once at your prying hands. “Why are you up if your alarm clock didn't go off? I worked so hard this morning to turn off your alarm, and yet here you are beating the nature clock.”

“You turned off my alarm?” you asked, surprised.

“Of course I did!” exclaimed Baekhyun, as he put the pot back down on the stove and reached for the drawer to take out two spoons. “Now go back to bed, we have a breakfast to eat and you still owe me a face of surprise when I bring the food in,” he said, preoccupied with putting the bowls on the tray.

You held back the giggle that was threatening to spill at his antiques. “Alright, let me just pee real quick.”

By the time you were back, Baekhyun was bouncing on the bed, eagerly waiting for both of you to indulge in the hot porridge that was one of your favourites. You made sure to look completely taken aback when you sat down on the bed, giving him a loud peck on the cheek before making yourself comfortable. “You know this is the food we have after a hangover,” you murmured, taking a big spoonful and swallowing it in one.

“Oho, slow down, hungry cub. You will get a tummy ache if you eat so fast,” scolded Baekhyun gently, making you smile.

“Yes, chef.”

He gave you a wink. “And anyway. You love this porridge, might as well please your taste buds.”

You nodded, devouring a spoonful after another until you were done before him. And that rarely ever happened. “Done!”

he shook his head at you, trying to swallow the last bids of his porridge.

“Look at me! I rock today,” you laughed loudly when he pouted.

“It isn't fair,” he whined, putting down his spoon into now an empty bowl. “I am alone while you guys are two!”

Your laughter halted, melting into an endearing smile. Warmth spread through your insides. “I don't think its the matter yet,” you responded. “It has long way to grow for me to eat for two, you know?”

“No, it doesn't. It still counts.”

Rolling your eyes at him, you reached over the tray to mess up his bed hair. “Alright, whatever you say, mister. Still does not change the fact that I win for today, ha! And now, you better hurry, you need to be at the university in an hour!”

“First a kiss,” he demanded, crossing his arms on his chest.

Smiling, you pressed your lips to his warm ones, tasting the porridge. 

“Love you,” he murmured.

Once Baekhyun was out the door, you rushed to prepare for your work only to end up with your head in the toilet, throwing up all the porridge and more. 

____

You made it your absolute, utmost priority to keep your blessed state as far away from the workplace as possible. Not only was it all so fresh and new, but you also needed to wait till the first trimester was over to be 100% sure the pregnancy was safe and actually happening. Besides, you would lose your job immediately if your boss as much as whifs a baby around you. Thankfully, he was not the smartest man, as much as he insisted himself.

It only got proven when he called you into his office few days later, his meaty index finger pointing at the contract in front of him. It was a deal between yours and a Chinese company, but it was written in English. “I am sure there was a mistake on their side,” he mumbled, frustration slowly, but surely boiling in his facial features as he was gripping the piece of paper. He chuckled bitterly. “And they think I wouldnt find out? Just who do they think they are? I find out everything,” he seethed through gritted teeth as he suddenly snapped his eyes up at you, catching you off guard in the process.

You winced, taking a cautious step back, trying not to give too much attention to the meaning behind his words. “Sir, I believe this is correct,” you tried to explain gently, “the deal does not have any mistakes in English, we have already skimmed through it.”

He frowned. “But the calculations aren't correct. There should be one more zero.”

As calmly as you possibly could, you explained to him that he, indeed, bought much more than he actually thought. Making business was not always rainbows and unicorns, and today this fact seemed to dawn on your boss. “You were in a conference call last week,” you kept reminding him, “and because they offered you a good deal, you decided to buy more. Therefore you had to pay more, and we received less.”

He snatched the paper out of your small hands and gave you an ugly stare. “Whatever. I know my things,” he mumbled, turning his face back to the table.

“That is my job, sir.”

He whipped his head back at you again, but you only bowed at him politely, turning to walk out of his office when he started: “I still haven't scolded you for lying to me.”

Raising your head from your bow, you looked at him with worried eyes. “Lied to you, sir?”

He scoffed. “You lying about having a boyfriend was not the best move. Even if it is a white lie, I don't want any of it in my office. Nor in this company.”

You nodded, fully aware and guilty. You saw this coming sooner or later.

“And,” he started, giving you a side-look. “You plan on getting married?”

Holding back your breath, you knew you could reply to him truthfully. “No. Definitely not anytime soon anyway. As you know, it is a pricey matter.”

“Well, if you keep up the good work here, you might be able to save some money for such occasion,” he replied, his poker face giving you a slight unease. “Besides, I'm sure your handsome boyfriend would earn loads with that face of his.”

To that, you did not want to reply. Baekhyun, indeed, was a handsome man. This was a fact ever since you got to really know him back in the high school days, when he already graduated but still would sometimes visit your school for physical work around the building. The girls would be drooling and swooning in the big hallway windows during break, but he saved his handsome boyish smiles only for you,  always giving you a wink that would swoosh away the unwanted company of other girls.

When your boss realised he wouldn't get an answer from you, he ended the conversation on a very straight-forward note. “Whatever. Just don't get pregnant with him. Or anyone. No pregnancy in this company.”

-

It has been a few weeks later that the battle with the rollercoaster of your emotions had gone downward. There were still no direct signs of a small human being inside of you, but oh my goodness, were your hormones and emotions acting up. Tired of constantly puking your guts out on the morning, then rushing to work, dealing with the moody bastard of a boss, being either desperate for Baekhyun's touch or just plain hating his presence in the same room was driving you up the wall. 

Countless times you ended up bawling your eyes out in the bathroom in your work, or in the shower at home, because you didn't see a way out of this. Plus, the stress of accidentally revealing your pregnancy even to the ever-so-kind Sukyeong left you with a heavy soul. You needed to talk to someone of your age, you needed some help but your own independent self couldn't as much as think of such an option.

Another issue was scaring Baekhyun away from you and him leaving you alone in this mess that HE created… No, scratch that. Your slight change in weight made you feel so utterly unattractive that you were trying not to physically shudder whenever he complimented you about your looks. And the poor boy hadn't even a clue about your internal turmoil.

You sighed.

“You look freaking gorgeous, love.”

He said it again. And he meant it, he honestly did. You saw it in his eyes.

Being now almost past the first trimester, you and Baekhyun were both dressing up for your scheduled ultrasound at the doctor's. Although you were a bit nervous, you were thankful Baekhyun was always there throughout each check-up you had. And yet, here you were pissed at him, but you said nothing.

“Are you alright?” he asked you carefully, knowing how your mood could change within a nanosecond. He came closer to you as you were standing in front of the mirror you had in your tiny bedroom.

Swallowing harshly, you nodded, but did not look into his eyes. Ever so gently, through your tight dress, you saw a gentle baby bump. It could easily be covered up (and you did passionately cover it up for work) but it was there. Solid. A prove that it was real.

“Do we want to know the gender, honey?” asked Baekhyun gently, as he made another step closer to you and he let his hands hold your hips before his wide palms ever-so slowly slid over your stomach where he let them rest. Then his chin came resting on your shoulder as he turned his face to give you a gentle kiss to your neck.

You heart-rate picked up and it wasn't because of the high blood pressure you had been experiencing recently. “I don't know,” you whispered looking at him through the reflection in the mirror, “do we?”

This topic has been on your mind for the longest time. Do you want to be surprised? Or do you want to be prepared? Surely, in the nature of the village life, the answer would be an immediate: yes, we do want to know. Poor villagers always wanted certainty, and it was only understandable. But maybe this unpredictable city life of Seoul made you more adventurous. You might have not wanted to know.

He hummed, the vibrations in his chest sending electric shocks down your spine, causing you to squirm in his arms. He let out an amused laugh through his nose before he whispered into your ear: “So sensitive, my love.”

“You fucking tease,” you glowered, but leaned back into him.

He gasped softly and squeezed your body. “Now there, sweet cheeks, we do not swear with a baby inside of you.”

“Then stop teasing, love” you snapped back and he laughed now with an open mouth. “You know exactly what you are doing. You're sneaky.”

“Sure I am. You know me, hun. And now back to the point,” he emphasized, and you rolled your eyes but smiled anyways. “I don't mind if we get surprised. But if you want the gender to be revealed, I am supporting that as well.”

You nodded as you held his hands on your belly, letting your fingers caress the top of his knuckles. “Alright,” you said, nodding. “I think I will, ehm, see how I feel once we are there?”

He hummed in approval before he turned his head again, waiting for you to turn your face to see him. So you did. And then he gave you the sweetest smile of support before he leaned in and gave you a breathtaking kiss, ending it with a loud smack. “Shall we go then?”

-

Usually it was always an uncomfortable experience to sit in the waiting room of your doctor with other pregnant ladies. When you weren't pregnant, you felt so out of place, despite you having an active lovemaking life. That was why you were sitting there, right? Even at those times, Baekhyun was going with you, just because he wanted to be responsible and also to support you. He knew how much the village ladies didn't go for regular check-ups.

So now, sitting there with your tiny belly as your hands were intertwined with your boyfriend, it was a completely different feeling. You were still shy to as much as lie on that stupid chair, let alone spread your legs in front of a stranger - even though it was a woman and a doctor. But now it just felt right. You were eager. Excited. Happy. Curious. And Baekhyun felt your excitement as your knee was bouncing up and down. He was excited as well. The sparkle in his eyes was proving it.

Once finally inside, you both took a seat opposite your doctor, who gifted you with a kind smile as she also took a seat and skimmed through your papers. “The lovely couple I could never forget,” she noted, briefly looking at you and Baekhyun before diving back into your records. “And the unplanned baby. So!” she exclaimed, folding quickly the papers before she rested her laced hands down on the table. “Any abnormalities?” she looked at you, obviously expecting you to answer her questions.

Squeezing Baekhyun's hand under the table, you shrugged, not sure if what you were about to say was an abnormality. “Crazy mood swings. Emotions are a mess. Throwing up is still on, but thankfully not so often… And my boobs hurt,” you mumbled the last sentence, looking at your hand engulfed in Baekhyun's, a slight blush creeping up your cheeks. This time Baekhyun squeezed your hand, although you didn't notice the affectionate look he sent your way. You dared to look up when you heard the doctor laugh.

“Those are all completely normal signs. Is your blood pressure still acting up?” she asked and as she was waiting for your reply she turned in her chair and grabbed the little machine. “I will check it now.”

You nodded but Baekhyun answered for you. “She had a couple of dizzy moments, but it wasn't as severe.”

The doctor nodded and checked you up, writing down the final results. “It's normal today. But if it will get too high, you need to go to the hospital. You know that, right?”

Not the happiest with her advice, you nodded.

“Good,” she replied cheerfully. “Any questions before we start the ultrasound?”

You were just about to shake your head when your boyfriend cleared his throat, stopping you from doing the action. You gave him a wary look, and he squeezed your hand again when he spoke: “How is it with, eh, sex? As the baby is growing, we are not sure how far we can go or if we should even do it. And I wouldn't want to hurt my girlfriend or the baby...” he trailed off, his ears growing pink. You felt your heart swell with love for him as you smiled like a little high school student.

“Oh my god, please do have sex,” replied your doctor, her eyes worried as she gestured with her hand to you. “She might not be showing it, but the sexual frustration can get out of hand, to put it nicely,” she continued, her stance confident. “Paying attention to your pregnant lady is very important in every phase of pregnancy and it is completely safe. Of course, around the due date you might want to be more careful, however it does not necessarily affect the baby in any way, so there is no need to worry, Baekhyun. It is more than healthy,” she laughed loudly, making you and Baekhyun giggle in the meantime.

“Any more questions? No? Good! Then let's get to it,” she clapped her hands, swiftly getting up from her chair and walking to the bed where you lied down, now familiar with the process. Baekhyun was sitting on a chair just where your head was, and he ran his fingers through your hair, giving you a reassuring smile while you tried not wince at the cold gel touching your hot skin covering your stomach.

“So do we want to find out the gender?” she asked as she spread the gel evenly, now digging into your tummy while she was already looking at the screen.

You contemplated quickly but before you could answer the doctor cut through: “Or do you want to know how many babies you would have?” she asked, but her voice was light but a bit unfocused as she stared at the screen. 

Not seeing Baekhyun's frown, he asked: “What do you mean?”

It was silent for a little longer, your doctor going through the same trail on your belly again, probably to double check whatever she saw there. Letting out a tiny laugh, she turned to look at your puzzled looks. “Well, this is fantastic!” she exclaimed and for some strange reason you had a feeling this might not be the best news, nor the news you were expecting when you were coming there. So when she uttered the next words, you felt your world crumbling down on you, and this time you could be sure Baekhyun wasn't as confident either. “You are expecting triplets!”

[temporoom]

Kind of wanted to get this out of my mind quickly, so uhm... kind of a personal post? Semi-vent with heartfelt ending? Anyway. If you are uncomfortable with this feel free to just keep scrolling.

WARNING: Internalized homophobia, dubious consent (?)

One of the things that has been bothering me recently is my sexuality. It’ll probably seem weird to old followers because I never hid being bisexual, and most of stories reflect that (since I write all my characters bisexual unless mentioned otherwise). But recently, my certainty was doubted. And I’ve been thinking back to who I am attracted to.

Back in January, I got a boyfriend, with whom I broke up with a first time after a few weeks, before getting back together only a week after, and definitely broke up with him around a month ago. The reason for that was mostly because of the sudden and brutal realization that I might be just not attracted to men at all.

I luckily didn’t grew up in an environment that would make me ashame of whatever sexuality I might have, but my father always insisted on perpetuating lineage for some reasons, and since my father’s way of thinking corresponded to me more, it also stuck in my head in a way. And so, I always imagined my future with a man despite knowing I was attracted to girls, because I wanted to stay true to that principle (and also because I liked the idea of being married and having children). But that future was only seen as something that would suddenly happen, and I never actually imagined having a passionate relationship with anyone. In my head, I would be single and then married, without any of the in-between that normal couples would have. Romances described by others was nice to witness, and I enjoy it, but I never saw it for myself.

And then, I went from single to the social statue of being in a “couple”. Not only did I lost that statue of being single, but then I realized that I had to be with another human being. That realization was one of the reasons I broke up the first time. I wasn’t ready. But it was tense at home at the moment and I ended up being touch-starved and needing something outside of the safe environment I grew up in, and so I accepted going out with him again after he asked me while I was in a moment of weakness. (He is a very cool guy don’t worry)

The first time I was confused, because I never imagined anyone falling for me ever, and the first person who asked me to go out with them just happened to be head over heels for me (no one asked me out before, and no one ever fell in love with me before). So I thought that I might just needed to clarify our feelings, and put some effort in the relationship to make it work out this time. I was feeling bad for this poor guy who I was treating as a test subject for relationships, but I really needed to think about something else at that moment. And so I put the effort. I held his hands, I accepted physical contact, I acted sweet and all... 

And it felt like a performance. Which in a way I knew it was, because I knew I wasn’t in love like he was in love with me. 

I thought it was fine, and I could keep up like this. After all, he was everything I could ask for in a guy, and I should be happy. And so I put in the effort... And the relationship advanced quicker than I would have expected. 

As he was touching me, I suddenly felt like I was dissociating, I was seeing myself on the third person, controlling a character and not my own body. “I’ve seen it act like this, so I should do like this right?” before I realize it, it was starting to become too close to something too deep, and when I came back to my senses... I was terrified. I was terrified and scared. He kindly asked me if I wanted to stop, and I said yes. He hugged me for a while, and I waited, eyes open in the dark, for him to fall asleep so I could sneak out of bed. He noticed, and let me be, moving a way. I stayed there, eyes open in the dark, heart beating fast, but it was nothing romantic, just irrational fear. I ended falling asleep for a couple of hourse before waking up earlier than I ever did. I went to the bathroom with my clothes in my arms, dressing up there before he could my body again, and then I sat at the end of the bed on the ground, staring at the wall, feeling like I would cry.

I came to the same conclusion as before, doing someything with another human being was just plain terrifying. But something else came to me at that moment... the face of a girl I knew back in high school. This girl was a rollercoaster of emotion for me, she had a boyfriend but was flirty with anyone, and when she had noticed that she had an effect on me... She had taken full advantage on it. Grazing my arm in class with her nails, hugging me tight while pressing her entire body against mine, showing herself of to me in the changing room after gym class... She had drove me crazy. She was also the one who made me realize I could have sexual desire... What I didn’t had with my boyfriend at that moment.

I thought back to when she had allowed me to touch her stomach, how my body had felt like I was burning, the electricity coursing through it just from the contact of my hand with her skin... When it had been with my boyfriend... It had felt empty, and I had quickly went back to analyzing the forms of the body like an anatomy book. 

And sitting on the ground, staring at the wall, the dim light of the morning lightening up the room, I realized I liked girls. Only girls. 

I wasn’t sure at that moment, so I was still denying it in my head. “No I just can’t make it work out with him. It’s fine. Maybe I will find someone else, and I will have children, and everyone will be happy and... My brother can’t have children, my sister can’t either... If I can’t, if I can’t then I will be useless.” I ended up messaging a friend about it, because I needed to vent to someone, and she listened willingly, but agreed that she couldn’t really help me on that matter. And I knew that even with seeing a therapist, I was the only one who could know. 

Words from friends and family came back to my mind as days passed by “I imagined a future where we had families, and you were married to a beautiful woman.”, “You often talk about girls, but you don’t seem attracted to men.”...

“What do you prefer?” She had asked in the dark classroom, her eyelashes fluttering, her fingers tracing patterns on my arms, a sly smile on her pink lips. “Boys... or girls?”

“Both.” I replied quickly, my breath getting caught in my throat, I could feel the red burning on my cheeks. 

She hummed, as if she knew, as if she knew I wanted to reply “You.”

As if reading my mind, youtube started recommending me Tiktok compilations of lesbians Tiktok. It was stupid, but I needed answers, and so I clicked on the video.... and then another... and a third... It was enjoyable to watch, but nothing gave me a clear answer. It was always of girls confident in their sexuality, or who wanted to show off their relationship... It didn’t help me. And then one thing stood out between them all, a skit explaining how internalized homophobia worked on lesbians.

Attracted to fictional male character, but not real men.

Wants to date girls, but see themselves marrying a man. 

Reassured by being identified as bisexuals...

Some other stuff too. But those three stood out to me. And another on poped up, about a woman explaining how anxiety can make some girls confuse it for attraction due to the similar feeling of nervousness it gives. 

At that point, I knew I was a lesbian, and I had broken up with boyfriend for good this time. Yet, I couldn’t accept it.

“What scares you about being attracted to girls?” Asked my mother, a sorry look in her eyes, as if she was asking what she did wrong to make me feel that way.

As if I could cry at any moment, my emotions tried to fight with my reasons. “I don’t know.” It didn’t make sense, ther was nothing rational about fearing being attracted to women. 

I started dreaming of heterosexual relationships, dreams that I would live like nightmares, as if I was back with him, performing again, smiling like a good girlfriend and doing what people asked me to... One was sexual, it wasn’t consensual, but I couldn’t see his face, so I thought it was “fine”. If I couldn’t see the face it was fine. There was no logical reasons to be afraid. Maybe I was attracted to men after all? Maybe I could still not be a disappointment...

Why did it bothered me so much? It wasn’t that big of a deal. It’s just how society works, it wants you to find your little box to fit, and you have to act like it, where is your box? Where is the box you fit in? But I couldn’t fit in the box I wanted to, I couldn’t, neither as a bisexual person, or as a lesbian liked described in all the videos I’ve seen. 

I felt more uncomfortable each day. Being with a human was terrifying, being attracted to girls was terrifying...

This night I dreamt of kissing a girl. She wasn’t someone I had knew, and yet, her face was detailed, as if she had been real, and right before me at that very moment. We talked, and her voice was soft, and our lips touched, and my body was mine, not one fabricated by my mind, and she said it was beautiful. She smiled, and I felt... at peace. Like I could see a future with this girl I just met. Our hands touched, and I woke up alone. The memory of her lips still on me.

It was my first time dreaming of a girl like this, and it was nothing like any dreams I had before, it made me feel good, at peace, as if it was where I belonged, and where I was meant to belong all my life. 

“I like girls.” I thought, and then I smiled. “I like girls.”

And I couldn’t get why I was afraid before, because that feeling of love I had felt in my dream was amazing. It was more real than anything I had felt before. I wanted to cherish it. 

This morning I woke up, thinking that I like girls. That it was alright to just think that, hope for that, and hope for something else as well. And I felt at peace.

I’m sorry to my ex if you’re reading this, you did nothing wrong, you were the best guy anyone could ask for... I’m just gay. And it’s time for me to accept it once and for all. 

Oh and thank you to anyone who read it until the end. I’m sorry I had to vent here, but I felt like I had to write it somehwere. Thank you for being patient with me!

[jimlingss]

The Colour of Our Voices [1]

Chapter 1 - Chapter 1.5 OR Chapter 2

➜ Words: 3.3k

➜ Genres: 98% Fluff, 2% Angst, Slice of Life, Broadway!AU

➜ Summary: He wasn’t supposed to hear. He wasn't supposed to know. But the instant Jimin came into your life and pulled the curtains back, you couldn't hide backstage anymore. You were no longer merely a phantom of the opera.

➜ Notes: I’m so excited to finally share this series. I’m pretty satisfied with how it turned out, so get ready for a rollercoaster, y’all.

cr.

The moving truck wakes you.   It’s deafening. You can hear the slow ‘beep, beep, beep’ of the vehicle backing up. With one eye open, you grab your phone to check the time. It’s ten minutes before your alarm.

You begrudgingly rise, getting ready for the day and humming while you brush your teeth to warm up your throat. You change your clothes, then eat cereal in silence at your kitchen counter. Once you’re ready, you leave. But not two steps out your door are you clumsily tripping over a cardboard box.   You make sure not to scream too loudly in case you draw attention. So with a muffled sound and your ankle throbbing at how it was twisted, you stand again.    Someone’s moving in next door.   There are messy boxes littering the hall, the door wide open, and from what you can see inside, the living space is empty. But you don’t dwell, making your own way down the hall to the stairwell.   The timing is poor. By mere seconds, you miss the brunette boy sticking his head out the door with pouty lips and cute eyes, peeking down the hall to catch your retreating form.   You limp to the station and as your shitty luck would have it, the train becomes delayed while you’re squished in the middle cart that’s packed like sweaty sardines. It halts suddenly, everyone jolting and you flinch when someone stomps on your right foot by accident.   There’s no apology.    “Hey, watch it,” the man beside you grumbles and you’re pushed again, at least with your foot free this time and throbbing inside of your worn shoe.   “S-sorry.”   The delay makes you late by the time you arrive in Time Square. You run through the street, shouting more apologies as you dive through the busy crowds and tourist groups. Once you make it to New 42nd Street Studios, you sprint down the stairs to the basement of the building. You nearly trip and tumble downwards to your death, but you catch yourself on the sticky railing.   It’s three minutes past nine o’clock.   “You’re late.”   “I’m sorry.”   “Sorry doesn’t make you earlier.”   The director sighs and rolls his eyes. He turns away from you and claps his hands together, scanning the rest of the bustling crew. “Today’s the day folks! We have dress rehearsal and then the show begins at six sharp! It’s showtime! So let’s get moving. You there, intern, go get coffee. And try not to be late this time.”   “Y-yes, sir.”   Up the stairs you go again. It seems like you’re always running, whether it’s for this job or to this job. But you quickly remind yourself that it’s a privilege to be here. Years ago, you would’ve cried tears of happiness if you knew you’d be on the production team of Phantom of the Opera.   Of course, you would’ve assumed you were performing. But being an intern was good enough. Everyone had to start somewhere.   “Hi, can I get ten americanos, six iced and four hot, three chai tea lattes, four vanilla lattes, three espressos, seven cappuccinos, and a green tea?”   The barista runs the company card into the side of her screen and then her eyes flicker up at you. “Sorry, it keeps saying declined. Do you have another method of payment?”   “O-oh. Sorry about that.” You end up paying out of your own pocket for the drinks. There’s no point in telling the director the company card failed — he’ll find some excuse to pin the blame on you, and it’s a small problem not worth the trouble.   You run back while balancing the plastic bags and cup holders in your hands, trying not to spill any of them. Once arrived, you hand them out to the crew members, actors, and actresses.   “Intern! What’s this?!” The director approaches and sighs. You prepare yourself, already reading that expression on his face. “I said six hot and four iced americanos. You got the order wrong!”   You bow your head. “S-sorry, my apologies.”    “You and your apologies!” His teeth are gritted, face reddened in anger. “Apologies doesn’t make my americano hot does it?!”   “I can go get another one if you need—”   “Don’t waste my time more than you already have.” He waves you off, sighing, and you’re left to drown in the humiliation as the others around you snicker underneath their breaths.    You release the air held in your throat and you narrow your eyes sharply into his backside as he walks away from you. You hold your tongue, reminding yourself that being here is a privilege.   //   The curtains draw.   There’s bated breath held in the audience, a certain sense of anticipation that builds the suspense until everyone’s on the edge of their seats. The lair is shown, mist spiraling on the floor, candles all around. The phantom with his cloak and half-mask sits at the organ.   Christine is enchanted, walking closer towards him slowly like she’s been bewitched by a spell.   The actor recites his lines, and then the music begins.    “Night time sharpens, heightens each sensation.” It’s a baritone voice, rich and seductive, but still sweet. “Darkness wakes and stirs imagination. Silently the senses abandon their defenses.”    The violin strings pull as if echoing after the voice.   You hold the microphone to your lips, singing and pulling the notes from deep in your stomach. The mic has been moved down several pitches to match the baritone vocal range that you wouldn’t be able to reach on your own, but the tone is rich and believable to be of the actor’s.   After all, one of the biggest efforts the director made was to be able to pull this off.   “.....the darkness of the music of the night.” Your eyes are shut, headphones on and you press the left side closer down to your ear, drowning in the lovely instrumental. “Let your mind start a journey to a strange new world. Leave all thoughts of the world you knew before. Let your soul take you where you long to be.”   The note is belted out, streaming out from your lips like silk. And when it’s over, you grin. It’s thrilling, a kind of pride blooming inside your chest that’s rare for you to experience. Even if you’ve done it so many times, it never fails to bring you delight — you’re unable to believe that you actually did it.   Once the song is complete, there’s thunderous applause.   A smile spreads into your cheeks, one that’s infectious but no one sees when you’re hidden behind the curtain. And had you been standing on the stage in the spotlight, you might’ve noticed the brunette boy with pouty lips and cute eyes amidst the crowd.   He’s become enraptured by your voice. He’s enchanted, heart stuttering, speechless beyond words. This was the voice he was waiting for. This was it.   The show eventually comes to a close and everyone holds hands to bow to the audience. You peek out from backstage to watch the curtains being brought down.    “Good job everyone. Nice job crew. Taeyeon, beautiful job as Christine once again. You were lovely, darling. Your sound is like melted caramel.” The director continues with his praises, and the other girls playing more minor roles flock to Taeyeon’s side to also shower her with compliments. The whole gathering parade themselves into the dressing room, brushing right past you. “Oh, yes, there’s the star of our show! Kim Seokjin, you never cease to amaze me! Beautiful job as Phantom!”   “Of course.” Seokjin grins, charismatic and charming as always. “You shouldn’t expect any less of me. With a face like this, how could I ever fail?!”   There’s bellowing laughter that rings and pierces your eardrums. “You’re right!”   You wait as they come closer.   Your breath is held. Maybe today, you did a good enough job that he’ll acknowledge you—   But then the director walks past you like you’re a plant. Wallpaper. A backstage prop.   “I loved that emotion you expressed in the final piece. Almost moved me to tears.”   “I tried to do a different interpretation of it this time…” Their voices fade off and you sigh.   You’re envious. Kim Seokjin has a good face. He can act. He can dance. He has stage presence. He’s magnetizing and charming. But he just can’t sing. The man can’t hold a steady note for the life of him. You suspect he’s tone-deaf.    Understandably, the director couldn’t give up on his godly face, so you became his voice. A ghost singer.   It actually works out well. You don't have to be on stage in the spotlight where every single person can scrutinize you, but your voice can be heard. In a way, it’s like you’re performing. But you can still be comfortable. You just wish you were acknowledged. Even if it’s just a little.   You’re suddenly shocked out of your thoughts when one of the crew members hands you a stick, clearing his throat obnoxiously. “Start sweeping.”   You carry the broom and dustpan, beginning to brush away at the confetti that exploded, clearing the floor of dust and dirt. And you end up missing the boy who sneaks himself backstage, who looks around and slips into the shadows.   He walks down the corridor, luckily finding the dressing rooms and he follows the nameplates until he discovers the one that reads ‘Kim Seokjin’.   The boy knocks three times in rapid succession. He puts on his best smile and tries to push the wrinkles out of his suit jacket that’s too small and worn. The door opens. The laughter tapers off.   Jin’s makeup and fake burnt skin have been removed. What’s left is pure godlike genes, and he’s blinded by the older man’s handsomeness, having to resist the urge to shield his eyes.   “Who are you?”   “M-My name is Park Jimin. I’m a fan, I-I absolutely loved your voice on the show.”   “You want an autograph? Of course you do.”   “Who’s that?” the director calls out, lounging on the sofa and drinking a glass of red wine.   “A fan,” Seokjin turns his head to say, and then he grabs a piece of paper. He makes an enormous signature with permanent marker and several loops in his name. Once finished, he slaps it to Jimin’s chest before the younger can even breathe. “Thanks for your support.”   “Wait. Mr. Kim.” Jimin puts his foot between the door before he can shut it. The actor raises his brow and looks at him. “My dream is to be on Broadway. I know this is a lot to ask of you, but can you please mentor me?”   Jin stares at him and then frowns in annoyance. “Mentor you?”   Jimin quickly adds, “I promise I’ll try my best. I am willing to give up anything and learn and you seem to be the best of the best. I haven’t heard such a great baritone voice like yours in so long. Please accept me as your student.”   There’s an extended silence. “Sorry. I don’t accept students.”   “W-wait. Please!”   “Security!” Seokjin shouts outside the door. “Get him out of here!”   Jimin’s shell-shocked, unable to move when his feet are rooted in the ground. His bones have been frozen. The precious image of his idol that he’s created in his own mind for the past two hours has shattered. He’s left in utter shame and disappointment.   “Hey...you’re not allowed to be here!” One of the crew members suddenly points to him.   And then a hand plops down onto his shoulder, a grip firm and intimidating. Jimin looks up to find a stocky security guard, and he sighs. He drags his own legs, shoulders slumped, escorted out.   //   It takes an hour to help the crew clean up. You assist them in sweeping and putting away the props, all while waiting patiently with your eyes pinned on the entrance of the corridor. You dust your hands off, and you’re lucky with your timing.   The director is walking out with his bag slung over his shoulder, jacket over his arm, busy sipping on some warm tea.   “Director Kang!”   You stop right in front of him and he looks at you in boredom. “Why haven’t you gone home yet, intern?”   You’ve been cleaning up the entire time, but you don’t bother telling him in case he tells you that you’re too slow to complete tasks. You’re too preoccupied anyways, catching your breath. It’s the moment you’ve been waiting for. “D-Director. I know we’ve talked about this before, b-but I really hope you’ll reconsider the referral.”   He sighs, rolls his eyes, and continues walking. You follow beside him frantically while he pulls out his phone to message someone.    “I think I’ve been trying my hardest at this job and I've been putting in a lot of hours. I’ve thought about what you said and your advice and I feel like I’ve improved in my singing, s-so….please give me a referral to an agent.”   All you need is a referral. One measly call and you can be in touch with someone who could expand their hands and help you. You could finally make a break in the industry, make a debut on Broadway. It’s what you’ve been trying to achieve your entire life. It’s your dream. Your goal. The reason you left everything back and home and came all the way here.   But he’s not paying any attention to your desperate pleas.   “Director?”   He’s irritated — you can tell with the way he huffs out. It makes you flinch, but he at least stops. “Intern, don’t make me repeat myself. You need to focus on what you’re doing now. Frankly, you’re not even good at this insignificant job. How are you supposed to achieve big things?”   “B-But…”    “You can’t take big leaps when you can’t even take small steps yet. You’re not ready. Not yet. If I happen to notice that you’re finally putting in some real effort and some hard grind, then I’ll think about it again. But now’s just not the time.”   “I…” You’re at a loss, on the verge of sobbing.   “Now if you’re finished, I have a call to make.”   He presses his phone to his ear, a universal sign that he’s not continuing the conversation. You watch him get into his car, driving away, and you’re left there on the street in a cloud of his gas exhaust.

Jimin is at a loss.    He paces around in his empty apartment room with still taped boxes scattered everywhere. He doesn’t feel like unpacking and putting away his belongings. Not when his mind was stuck on something else.   He came all the way here to look for a mentor — having followed his community theater director’s instructions to work on his singing. But without a teacher he can’t make his big break.   “What am I going to do now?” he sighs.    Maybe he jumped the gun a little too soon. It was pretty intense of him to go to a show right on the day when he moved in when he probably should’ve gotten settled. But there’s no time to waste when time is of the essence! Maybe he could somehow convince Seokjin to take him as a student. He is pretty insistent and not one to give up just after a single rejection….   Jimin sits on his couch, the only piece of furniture intact in his home, and he folds his hands together. His brows are furrowed, in deep contemplation onto the next step. But then suddenly, he hears a voice.   “—your eyes and surrender to your darkest dreams.” It’s coming from the window. Sweet and melodic. Jimin’s captivated and stands on his feet, following the sound as if he was being gently tugged by a red string tied around his finger. “Purge your thoughts of the life you knew before.”   He steps out barefoot onto his chilly balcony. His eyes are fixed on the balcony beside him, the tiny flower beds that are wilting, the warm lights that pour out from inside the home, how the doors are slightly open to welcome a breeze. “Close your eyes, let your spirit start to soar!”   He hangs onto the note, relishes in how it stirs his very soul, and then rushes out. “And you'll live as you've never lived before....”   Jimin throws his front door open and then pounds onto the door next to his with his fist.   Three beats. One — two — three. And it opens.   He smiles. Then it falls. His line of sight comes a little lower than expected. He was anticipating a man singing, perhaps someone alike to Seokjin, lean and handsome. But instead, it’s a timid girl in pajamas — you.   “H-hello?” you squeak, nervous.   “H-Hi. I...I just….” He taps his ear, trying to explain himself. “I thought I heard…heard....never mind.” Jimin hitches his thumb over his shoulder and awkwardly tilts his body. “I just moved in.”   “Y-Yeah. I saw this morning.”   “So…it’s-uh-nice to meet you, I guess. I mean I don’t guess because it is great to meet you. I swear I’m not usually like this. What I mean is usually I’m not so direct. And, um, bad at speaking. We’ll be neighbors from now on. So I wanted to say hello, since usually, that’s the polite thing to do. Or at least what my mom tells me. She’s great. My mom. But right, I didn’t even tell you my name. My bad. I’m Park Jimin.”    He extends and opens his hand. Then he realizes it’s idiotic for him to shake hands with you. It wasn’t like this was some sort of business transaction. So Jimin lowers his arm….right when you’re opening your palm.    It’s a missed handshake, and he’s cringing so hard, he’s tempted to jump off the balcony. But instead, he musters up stiff laughter and raises his hand to shake yours. He muses how soft your skin is, but tries not to think about it too much in case that’s a weird thought. Which it is.   God, he’s usually not this nervous. It’s a fucking mess.   Yet, you still offer him a polite smile. “I’m Y/N.”   “Nice name. I mean all names are nice, but yours in particular. Not that I mean anything by it. Like it’s quite normal, but not normal in the sense that it’s overused. Not that overused names are a bad thing.” It’s terribly awkward. That blank stare you’re giving him doesn’t help with his perspiration either. Jimin tries to smile to show that he’s not a freak. But it might also be doing the opposite effect. “Well, I should get going now. Lots to unpack.”   “Okay.”   You’re about to close the door, and he steps away. But in the last second, Jimin spins around before you can seal yourself inside.    “Um, were you playing music?”   You’re silent and you blink at him owlishly. “Sorry, I’ll try to keep it down.”   Jimin nods. It’s not exactly what he meant — he wasn’t complaining. But he doesn’t linger to tell you so. He doesn’t want to make you feel tense and he feels like a creep enough. The last thing that Jimin wants is to be kicked out before he’s even fully settled in for being a complete weirdo.   Typically he’s not this socially inept. But he accepts that he’s made a horrible first impression and shuts the door.   Though as he leans on the smooth surface of it, he quirks his head to one side and his brows furrow. Strange. That voice sounded so familiar. And so tangible as if it were here and not a recording.   But he doesn’t dwell, going on about his night.   In the meanwhile, you try to sing quieter.

[hoodedsuns]

Neverending Story | Kim Seungmin

Genre: Fluff & Angst

Summary: You find yourself going back to the train station where all the memories of you loving him stayed, existing there as a neverending story.

Word Count: 2.1K

The heels of your worn out court shoes clicked rhythmically against the hard material of the railway platform, the sound bouncing off the walls in an echo, cutting through the comforting silence as you headed towards the very end of the station. Walking past the neon yellow coloured safety line, you allowed yourself to teeter against the edge of the platform, the heels of your feet occasionally leaving the floor as your toes pointed downwards towards the train tracks. 

You had always wondered what would happen if you ever fell down, what would happen if a train just so happened to arrive, what would happen if you had decided to finally end your mundane life. Huffing in exhaustion you pushed your random, unwarranted morbid thoughts to the very back of your mind, choosing instead to collapse unceremoniously onto one of the cold metal benches, wrinkling your nose at the rusty smell that it emitted. 

Slipping the straps of the tote bag off your aching shoulders, you stretched your arms upwards as far as you could, letting out a satisfied groan at the relief and pull that your muscles felt after sitting in the same position for the entire day. 

Taking a proper look at your surroundings, you took note of the lack of people present. In fact, you were practically the only person here save for the cleaner who was skiving off work, sitting on a bench like you were but with his phone in hand, eyes glued to the screen as he chuckled to himself occasionally. The peacefulness was something you greatly appreciated, especially after such a long and mentally exhausting day. 

While it would usually be very rare for a train station to be this empty considering the fact that this was typically considered the rush hour where everyone left work, the emptiness wasn’t uncommon around here since you lived in a rather small town accompanied by an understandably small population. 

No one ever visited this place except for the occasional runaway or adventurer, eager to find something special here only to be disappointed when they finally figure out that this place was as drab on the inside as it seems on the outside. So what were you, a resident, doing here instead of heading home? 

That was a question you asked yourself everyday.

You weren’t sure when it had started becoming a routine to visit this place everyday after work, your legs habitually bringing you here while you zone out for most of the walk. You were stuck in a dead end job, had no close friends, had no one to go home to ever since your grandparents passed away and you were honestly pretty numb to being alive. Without any aspirations and with your childhood dreams long forgotten, you were lost, unable to find a sense of purpose or direction in life. 

Perhaps that was why your legs always brought you back here, to this very train station where all the rose coloured memories of you loving him stayed despite how much time had passed since you last saw him. After all, it was where you had first met him and where you last saw him.  

“You had such a shy smile on your face when you were dared by your friends to talk to me.” Chuckling at the memory, you gave his head a gentle pat as he buried his red face into his hands, internally cursing you for once again bringing up the story of how the two of you came to be friends. 

“You were so embarrassed that you were stuttering and stumbling over your words but honestly, I couldn’t pay attention to anything you were saying. You looked so beautiful in the pouring sunlight that I completely blanked out.”

Seungmin. That was the name of the boy who had transferred to your local high school from a faraway land. The boy who had impacted your life in ways that you never even knew was possible, and the boy who had taken your heart with him as he left this suffocating town on this very day 6 years ago. 

In the beginning, it felt as though a wolf was slowly clawing away at your chest, starting off as a dull ache before slowly morphing into unimaginable pain. 

You felt a sharp stab in your heart whenever you would enter a classroom or the cafeteria, eyes darting around excitedly as you tried to spot his figure, only to remember that he was no longer here. It was especially hard having to walk home alone everyday when the journey was usually filled with laughter and light bantering. 

But even though he wasn’t with you physically, you could never truly run away from him. 

Even now, you would sometimes find yourself thinking of him, wondering how he looked like now or whether he was eating regularly. His soft voice would appear in your head no matter how much you tried to block it out, his face always popping up in your mind no matter how hard you tried to erase the memory of him and that breathtaking smile of his. Deep down however, you knew that you didn't truly want to forget the time you spent with him. 

You didn’t want to forget all the times he’s helped you out when you were in a pinch.

“No! Please Seungmin, I really can’t afford to fail math.” You clung on to the edge of his hoodie desperately, restricting him from walking any further away from where you sat. 

“Then pay attention when I’m explaining something, we only have a few weeks left before the test.” He grumbled, annoyed by the way your eyes kept wandering around the diner, focusing on everything but the study material that Seungmin was trying his best to dumb down for you. 

“I’m sorry minnie, I promise that I won’t get distracted again.” That wasn’t fair, you knew that he couldn’t bear to refuse you when you used that endearing nickname on him. 

He rolled his eyes, pretending to think about it for a moment before letting out a sigh of defeat and sitting back down onto his seat. “How about this. If we can finish these two chapters by tonight, I’ll treat you to some ice cream.” 

The way your face lit up only made Seungmin even more certain that you were definitely worth the money and time. 

You didn’t want to forget all the times the both of you messed around, enjoying your youths.

“Come on Seungmin it’ll be fine, you gotta live a little!” You teased playfully, dragging him by the arm to join the long line of people queueing for the biggest rollercoaster in the theme park, The JawBreaker. 

Seungmin wasn’t afraid of thrill rides and he definitely didn’t mind going on one, but he really wished that you would’ve at least let him grab a churro from one of the food carts to satiate his rumbling stomach. His whines were effectively shot down by you insisting that he shouldn’t consume anything before getting onto the ride in fear of him puking, a valid point that he couldn’t argue against. 

The line ended up moving way faster than he thought it would, much to his delight, and before he knew it, the pair of you were already at the front of the line. 

“Hey seungmin...maybe we shouldn’t ride this.” His gaze latched onto your terrified one, realising that you wanted to chicken out after seeing the ride up close. And as the great friend that he is, he used it as an opportunity to make fun of you. 

“You’ve gotta live a little.” He said, mimicking your voice and earning himself a pointed glare from you. “Unless you’re too afraid, then I guess that I’ll allow poor little you to exit the queue since I’m just that kind.” 

There was no way that you were going to leave the queue after he said all that, you’d rather force yourself to sit the ride than give him the satisfaction. You both ended up going back for a second round. 

But most importantly, you didn’t want to forget the way he made you feel. 

"Come here." Seungmin stood with his arms wide open, a clear invitation for a hug to which you accepted without hesitation, relishing in the way his warm arms wrapped themselves comfortingly around your trembling body. 

"Shh it's alright, I've got you." He whispered, stroking your hair and brushing away your endless tears with the gentlest touch. "Nothing can hurt you, not while I'm around to protect you." In that moment, you surrendered yourself completely to his embrace, choosing to believe in him with all your heart.

Blinking your eyes in surprise, you brought your thumb up to swipe at your wet cheeks. When had you started crying? Feeling a sudden rush of vulnerability, you wrapped your arms tightly around your body, hoping to mimic the absolute security you felt when you were in Seungmin's presence. But you should've known that it was a futile attempt. 

Now that you were thinking of it, that was where you had first realised that you were hopelessly in love with your bestfriend. He always held you as though you were the most precious thing in the world, and maybe you really were in his as he is in yours. 

And maybe, that was the problem. You didn’t have a safety net prepared to catch you when your world came crumbling down from his unexpected departure.

"You're leaving me?" You choked out, heart dropping into your stomach at Seungmin's sudden confession. He held both your hands tight in his, eyes trained onto your shoes as he purposefully avoided your eyes that were shining with hurt, knowing very well that they would crush his resolve and ultimately end up convincing him to stay. 

"I promise that I’ll return to you. If you call for me, I’ll find you no matter where you are.” Biting onto your bottom lip hard enough to draw blood, you flung yourself onto him in what could very well be your last hug with the boy. And you’d be damned if you didn’t savour it for all it was worth. 

“Know that I love you, farther than tomorrow and longer than eternity.”

You placed all your trust into his parting words and for a while, it was the only thing that kept you sane as you ventured into the terrifyingly unfamiliar yet expectedly underwhelming world of being an adult. But ultimately, the logical side of yourself won you over and you knew that you had to move on. 

And in a way, you did. You made new friends and had a few flings here and there, all of them ending with the disappointment and frustration of not being able to feel anything as strong as the connection you had felt with Seungmin. 

But even so, and against the better judgement of your pessimistic self who tried hard to suppress the faint glow in your heart, you knew that a part of you was still holding onto hope that he hadn't yet forgotten about you. That you still meant something more than just a blur of a person from his past. 

Hearing the telltale rumble of a train coming into the station, you kept your head down low, picking at the unravelled threads of your old tote bag in hopes that none of the alighting passengers would have to bear witness to your unsightly state. Judging from the faint footsteps that walked past you, it seemed as though only one or two people had gotten off the train which wasn't very surprising. 

The thing that was surprising however, was the set of footsteps that you could hear stop right in front of you for a moment before it continued, the sound getting closer, indicating that the owner of those footsteps was walking towards you. 

"Shh don't cry, it's okay. You're safe with me." The moment you heard his voice, accompanied by a pair of arms that wrapped themselves securely around your body, you couldn't help but let a broken sob escape through your quivering lips, tears gathering rapidly in your eyes. 

Clutching onto his shirt like a newborn baby unwilling to let go of their mother, you looked up at him through your blurry eyes, nostalgia filling up your entire being when you were met with that bright grin of his that brought light streaming back into your world. 

A flurry of emotions rushed through you as did a wave of questions. You wanted to scream, jump around, ask him how he had been, but all that you could get out was a relieved, "Your smile hasn’t changed one bit since I last saw it.”

"Neither has yours, my love."

[codylabs]

My Top 10 Ships

I’m not a very romantic sort of guy, I’m not real forgiving to departures from canon, I get easily annoyed at inconsistencies, and I don’t watch much television and movies, so in order for me to ship something, it has to be a GOOD ship. I default toward rejecting ships, so to impress ME, it must be built on logic, and evidence, it’s gotta be something I can suspend my disbelief far enough to accept. And it’s gotta have story behind it, something deep, some hefty emotional weight; if it doesn’t tickle this man’s cold reptilian heart with strong beats and excellent writing, it goes straight to the trash. I absoLUTELY will not stand for any of these weird little cute, pretty, pandering, trashy crack ships that everybody seems to be clumsily throwing characters into. Most ships are trash ships. They are not good ships.

You think your ship is good? You like your ship?

You ship it?

No you don’t.

Get out of here.

You will listen to me. I will tell you. Look at me. I’m the Captain now.

Here are the 10 good ships.

10. The Rocinante, The Expanse

A resoundingly excellent ship. Unlike most ships you see out there, this thing was actually designed with realistic space combat in mind. It’s got 6 computer-controlled gatling turrets covering every angle, it accelerates in whatever direction it’s pointing, its bridge is right in the center to put as much armor as possible between enemies and crew, overall a much better-designed vehicle than most everything you see about.

That being said, I didn’t have much connection to this ship. Its crew weren’t really interesting, the aesthetic was kinda bleak, and I basically stopped watching after the phazon showed up. And the Rocinante itself has pretty poor redundancy. Enemy bullets can literally just pass through it (as is realistic for a ship this size) so how about multiple main engines huh? Absolutely tragic oversight. And its interior looks too much like an Apple product. How are you supposed to work on it? Where are the wires and pipes??? The handholds?????

9. Ares IV M.A.V., The Martian

Almost more of a symbol than a ship. A symbol of freedom, of escape. A beautiful symbol. This is what Mark Watney spends the whole movie trying to reach, with an entire world backing him up, and an entire world trying to stop him. It’s the goal of the movie, and it just looks so beautiful when he finally reaches it and sees it sitting there in the middle of the desert, ass down, nose up; a tall, proud symbol. This ship has a special significance for me because the author of the original book really did his research on the scientific requirements and details of a Mars Ascent Vehicle, and it was actually inspired by the E.R.V. in another book, ‘A Case For Mars’, which I read when I was younger. “Makes its own methane-oxygen fuel on-site by using nuclear power to break down CO2 in the atmosphere and combining it with stored hydrogen, don’t you know.” I say as I adjust my spectacles and puff my pipe.

The M.A.V. in the movie does have a few issues, such as hallway and rooms running straight up through where the fuel tanks ought to be (instead of a lift/ladder on the exterior) and a rugged, industrial aesthetic that looks too heavy and cumbersome for a ship of its type. (And you’re seriously telling me he couldn’t have used the capsule’s RCS to literally bypass the movie’s entire climax? WHY NOT? The book never mentioned him having to drain the monopropellant!!!) But I’ll let that slide. Great movie.

8. Biggest Boy, The Greatship

(I don’t know the ship name so I had to make up a name. You know what, I think it’s actually just called the Greatship.)

So it’s a starship the size of Jupiter, empty, unmanned, perfectly mysterious, that comes gliding into the galaxy a couple million years into humanity’s future. Where did it come from? Who made it and how? Good questions. It’s powered by matter-antimatter annihilation reactions from within planet-sized internal tanks, and its engines use hydrogen and fusion exhaust as reaction mass, and its hull is made of hyperfiber, a super-strong fictional material with a 4-dimensional lattice structure, able to weather impacts by spreading them out over various dimensions where the impact occurred in a different place.

I hope that after the first few entries, you didn’t get the impression that I am somehow against futuristic, far-out, impossible technologies. Quite the opposite! I love me some hyperdrive and anti-gravity and A.I. and stuff. However! Ships must be well-designed for the technology available, and must take no creative liberties except those explicitly allowed by the difference in the setting. The laws of physics don’t disappear when the magic crystals come out, the magic crystals are merely a different tool to combat them. Engineering will always exist, should start with the tools and work outward, form follows function. Star Wars ships, for instance, are trash because they don’t mount their repulsorlift arrays consistently, they’re not aerodynamic, and their engines aren’t aligned around their center of masses.

So I like the Great Ship. Although the story is pretty far-fetched, and a lot of crazy, out-there scifi events transpire deep in the ship’s depths, the book always strictly kept its own rules in mind, and never broke those rules, no matter how outlandishly crazy things got. Thanks for comprehending something so incomprehensible, Robert Reed. You inspired me miles in my own work.

7. The Ghost, The Sea Wolf

The story may be fiction, but the Ghost was as real as ghosts can be.

Jack London did his research. No, not research, he LIVED this. The Ghost is a seal-hunting schooner much like one that he served aboard during his rollercoaster of a life, and he captured every detail of its operation, of its requirements, of its mechanics, and of the incredible toll it took on the people that lived such a life. The boat is made to feel as oppressive and claustrophobic as a prison, as if it were an extension of the monster that commanded it, directly in contrast to the expansive beauty of the sea around them. My goodness, what a beautiful book. What a moving, interesting, challenging book, with such a story! This book is one of the climaxes of fiction, and one of the inspirations for Shifting Sands, if I remember correctly. I would recommend this book to anybody. Beautiful.

6. Ferbnessa, Phineas and Ferb

Okay, so I hope we can all agree that Vanessa is nothing but bad news. But that being said, Ferb knows exactly the relationship he wants, and by golly, he goes for it. Most male characters would stutter or get nervous or lose confidence around their crush, especially if that crush is about a hundred miles out of their league or if they already had another boyfriend, but Ferb? No. Not my man Ferb. He’s slighly too much of a legend to fall for such childish pitfalls. He doesn’t posture, he doesn’t creep or flirt or try to sabotage the other men in her life, he doesn’t even speak a word, he just maintains his blank expression, cranks his own already-inhuman levels of confidence and competence up through the roof to borderline olympian levels, and continues being himself. These rare moments of Ferbly passion are some of the few open windows we get into the grandiose machinations of his mysterious mind, and he uses it to bring out the best in Vanessa as well. And in the future episode, set years down the line, wouldn’t you know it, they’re a pair.

All joking aside though, this whole ship is basically comedy. It’s a super small part of the show, it’s only in like 5 episodes, it’s a running gag, it’s hilarious. It’s great. And it fits right into the tone and the feel of the show, because P&F’s entire world really is a comedy about going for it and living your dreams. So this is just the best thing ever. It’s been about a decade since then, and I still burst out laughing at how much of a pristine picture of ideal masculinity Ferb is. Become like Ferb, boys, and you will become men.

Legendary.

Eat your heart out, Dipper.

3. Shunk, Voltron

(I don’t know the ship name so I had to make up a name)

Huge props to the voltron team for making a female alien character (even a romantic interest) with NO BOOBS. Do you have ANY idea how sick and tired I am of artists throwing a big ol’ pair of balonkadongs onto lobsters and snakes when almost everything in the real world besides folks and cows have either 0 or 8+ of them? Everything’s gotta be traditionally sexy and recognizably-feminine and GREAT now you just canonized all the porn! Disgusteg

but now look at Shay. She’s a rock person. She’s got silicon-based biology, she probably weighs 500 lbs and bleeds sand. She’s got enormous hands and weird knees and no nose and lumps everywhere, AND YET STILL the show plays all the tropes 100% straight with her being a fair young maiden and a sweet princess. And it works because Hunk is just this great guy who’s exactly as sweet and caring, and he’s not the most attractive of the Paladins either, so he probably lives his life looking past appearances. He doesn’t care that she’s an alien rock, he cares about her as a person, and she obviously worships him right back. Even though Shay is shown in season 1 and then never again until season 7, Hunk still avoids alternative romantic entanglements, citing ‘a rock I know’, and it just adds to his persona as this infinitely loyal teddy bear. I tip my hat to this, the single ship I know that’s 0% sexy and 100% wholesome.

And Hunk is the best Paladin. He’s just the greatest. I revere him. I salute him as he walks past. This man among men. Look at this guy. I don’t even care about any of the other ships in Voltron (I mean, the Castle of Lions is okay, but it’s outriggers are kinda spindly) but Hunk and Shay deserve each other.

4. Wendip, Gravity Falls

So Dipper’s 12/13, and Wendy’s 15. That’s a pretty giant age difference. Maybe you fans have fooled yourselves into thinking it’s not, but it is. She knows it. He knows it. His sister knows it. Your mom knows it. So halfway through the show, when he finally got around to confessing his feelings to her, she told him no. Sure they’re still friends, sure they like each other, and sure they have a lot of chemistry and they still have a movie night every Friday, but at the end of the day, he’s a smelly little midget who has to go back to California at the end of the Summer, and she’s a older girl with approximately zero romantic feelings for him. So the notion that it could work out is pretty obvious to everyone, and especially to him, pretty much hopeless. And he really did handle it all pretty poorly and immaturely too, he objectified her and stalked her and simped up a storm and sabotaged her boyfriend, so perhaps he deserved what he got. Perhaps it’s better this way.

And yet.

And yet Wendy never really got a happy ending in the show. And Dipper never got a conclusive romance either. So after everything, it’s easy to think about it how he thinks about it, by wondering how things could have been, if everything were just so slightly different, if she’d said yes or if they united again. She wishes she could be younger, he wishes he could be older. She’s more dominant, he’s more recessive. She has a lot of serious issues in her life, and could really seriously use a driven, heroic, intelligent friend to help her out, give her purpose, and steer her right. And Lord knows he could use somebody with street smarts and actual muscles to have his back now and again. They complement each other perfectly. They make up for each others’ weaknesses. They’re everything they ever wanted from another, and if you do the math, their children would be actual literal supersoldiers.

Or at least that’s the way a lot of people see it. There’s been immeasurable mountains of fanfiction and fanart from people who are just so sad that in a show full of happy endings and dreams coming true and old regrets being resolved and children growing up, that one ending would never be happy, one dream would never come to pass, one regret would stick with you forever, one child would never grow up. Maybe if you extrapolate out the story they’d end up together? Or maybe they’d find other, better partners? Maybe romance isn’t all that important in the grand scheme of things, and this is the best ending there could have been? Perhaps, perhaps not. But in any case, there’s a lot of very rich storytelling potential for the untold journey before them, and for the paths that could have been.

Stop drawing fetish art of Wendy, you insufferable heathen actual donkeys.

3. Kataang, Avatar: The Last Airbender

Now HERE’S a serious relationship. Not just a romantic ship, (though it is that,) not just some cutesy, funny thing or some ship-war fodder, (though it is cute and funny and did spawn a ship-war,) not just a matter of certainty and destiny, (though it is certain and was destined,) this is a real, TANGIBLE relationship, that these characters built together over a solid year of on-screen adventuring and fighting. They’ve helped each other through trauma, they’ve been there for each other in their darkest moments, they learned martial-arts together, they’ve fought back-to back against grown men, they’ve worked front-to-front sawing through steel girders, they’ve saved each other’s lives, he once ACTUALLY DIED and she brought him BACK. They end up respecting each other, and valuing each other in the intimate way that only true friends do.

And they’re shown working through all their imperfections and mistakes too. Aang sometimes oversteps boundaries and says stupid stuff because he’s a kid, and Katara sometimes scolds him and controls him because she’s motherly and orderly, they get jealous of each other, but none of those things drive them apart, and they deal with them, and they conquer them, and they keep a very legitimate and multi-faceted friendship going, and that’s the key to it all. The fact that this friendship becomes romance is just proof that it was a friendship of quality.

I think people tend to overlook or forget this ship because the last few episodes of the show found them in a pretty dark place, needing to deal with matters of life and death and justice in very different ways, and unlike all their other issues, we don’t really get to see them reconciling these differences before the story ends, which kind of leaves a sour taste between them. And Katara goes on a couple missions with Zuko around the same time, so now half of all people want Zutara, when in actuality, Zutara is a trash ship, which is a true science fact.

2. Serenity, Firefly

Only reason this ship isn’t #1 is because it isn’t constructed using a proper aerospace philosophy; it’s made of bulky machinery and steel beams and chunky plates, it looks more like an ocean vessel from the inside, and is WAY too big for its 6-12 person crew and light cargo capacity. Plus it doesn’t have any room for fuel and its got no wheels on its landing legs and no downward-facing windows and its reactor is just too dang SMOL and its engines are attached too flimsily. This all wouldn’t be too much of an issue if they were going for a far-future aesthetic, but if you’re trying to do something grounded and semi-contemporary, you need to lose some weight girl, I’m sorry.

But by gosh does it make up for it in heart. The entire inside of this ship was mapped out and made on set, with so many homely little decorations and touches to make every room feel like the person who inhabits it, sterile professional blue for the doc’s medbay, warm happy red for Kaylee’s engine room, all-serious-business-but-also-plastic-dinos for Wash’s cockpit... It hit me hard when this baby it crashed in the movie, and it felt almost real when River pretended to mind-meld with it. This ship has more soul in one buffer panel than most shows have in the entire cast, enough to make it seem like its own character, even in a show crowded with charming characters. I love this ship intimately, even if I would have built it differently.

1. Colonial Vessel 46.18′\, Gravity Falls

(I don’t know the ship name so I had to make up a name)

You didn’t think I’d leave out this one, did you? After all the fanfiction I’ve written? This is basically my ship at this point. Anyway, enough about me; the vessel beneath Crash Site Omega really is the quintessential alien ship; its perfectly cliche flying-saucer design taps into all the audience’s pre-existing fanciful notions and imaginings and disbelief-suspension, meanwhile its presentation isn’t cliche or fanciful in the slightest. 

There’s not much to say about it from a technical standpoint, besides personal musings: it would need anti-gravity to stay airborne without thrusters, it would need a FTL drive to cross the distances it did, its drones would need to be made of some kind of semi-liquid to move like they do... But these sort of out-of-the-box, never-before-seen, world-expanding brain-knocks are exactly what makes this ship special. It’s an alien ship, built with technology unknown to people, forged from materials that people don’t possess, and inhabited by beings we will never meet. For all we know, this ship could be perfectly sound from an engineering standpoint, and no engineer in the audience could claim to prove it otherwise, because unlike something like the T.A.R.D.I.S., they never try and fail to explain it away with science buzzwords or canonize its details or show off some fancy glowy reactor. This ancient husk is left as a yawning pit in reason, and that’s beautiful.

Moreover, this ship is an amazingly powerful narrative tool, and a mind-blowing surprise to drop in as a setpiece during the show’s final episodes. This ship embodies everything that made the show’s mysteries special: the evidence presented so early and so consistently, the creativity in creature design, action, and worldbuilding, the yawning depths of unknowable lore, and most of all the burning, unquenched desire to know more... The imprint this ship made in the cliffs over the town has been hanging over the characters’ heads the entire series, and its hull was below their feet from day one, so when they finally revealed it, and explored it, it felt invigorating. Rewarding. This ship, and the glorious feelings and thoughts it represents, have inspired to no end, and haven’t ended yet.

Honorable mentions:

Westley and Buttercup, The Princess Bride

Ooooh man I tell you what, it was really hard trimming this down to 10 for the list, and this one just barely didn’t make the cut, and that mainly because I have a sweet spot for animation and for warrior women, and this sweetness ain’t animated, and this damsel is as distressed as they get. And they don’t have a whole lot of chemistry? I don’t know how to measure that, but I feel like there was a lot of friendship stated that was never shown? Is it sacrilege to say that about True Love? I guess I’ve never exactly had True Love, so what do I know?

The entire plot centers around his devotion to her, and her love for him, and the lengths they go to for one another. He studies fencing and wrestling and wits and tactics for years on a pirate ship as he tried to return to her, and she refused the advances and the offers of an actual prince for as long as she could, even though she thought him dead, and was ready to kill herself when she knew him to be alive and not to be hers. And just such excellent action and characters and humor and story in the entire book surrounding it. Possibly an even better movie, somehow. Happy happy happy happy. They don’t make movies like this no more, why is that? Sad.

Endurance, Interstellar

Actually a pretty realistic design, all considering. They nailed the aesthetic, and the cinematography, and the feel.

It does lose points though, firstly because the shuttlecraft require a booster stage to make it into orbit when leaving Earth, but for the rest of the movie, whenever they’re landing on planets with similar gravity and atmosphere, they can just fly away like it’s no big deal, which is a big inconsistency, both with real life, and more importantly with itself. And how did an under-equipped and struggling space program put this thing in orbit in the first place, anyway? And why don’t their ships land on their asses like proper rockets? And why not tell the crew members the full plan before leaving? See, it’s little things like that, little inconsistencies made for the sake of fitting with story beats and simplifying it for the audience’s sake, that sours this ship for me. I don’t mind creative liberties, but actual plot holes? This thing has a few plot holes, and plot holes are absolutely yucky. So although most of this ship is very yummy, the yucky parts make it all yucky.

Yucky.

Plus its heavy cargo shuttles are about the least-aerodynamic things imaginable, and that’s also yucky, and there’s porcelain tiles in the stasis bay, like what?

Couldashouldawoulda been yummy.

The Hermes, The Martian

This ship. This friggin’ ship.

A beautiful ship. A well-conceived ship. A mathematically sound and engineered ship. It had so many many good ideas behind it. So much math went into calculating its thrust and orbital dynamics for this movie, so much work went into making it fit a contemporary space aesthetic, the panels, the heat sinks, the tanks, so much PRESENTATION I could KISS IT HMWA, but taken as a whole, engineering-wise, the whole ship falls flat on its face, because it just doesn’t fit together. It doesn’t make sense. Look at all those countless modules along its length. What do they do? They don’t do anything! It’s a quarter mile long, and it’s built for only 6 people? It’s meant to carry a lander? Where does the lander dock? Why are the useful airlocks so far off the center of gravity? Why does it have a cockpit? Why is the forward airlock so looooong? Why is the entire ship so loooooong? Why is the ring spinning so slowly? It’s not hard math to figure out how fast it needs to spin! You’re telling me you did ORBITAL DYNAMICS but not the SINGLE physics 101 equation needed to figure out how fast the ring needs to spin??

Btw, let’s talk about that rotating section in the middle! Think about the rotating section! That rotating section means that the front and the back of the ship aren’t actually connected! There’s just a pair of ring-shaped slip-slidey bearings bridging the ship’s middle, slip-slidey bearings that electricity, computer signals, and water and air pipes can’t cross. Why did they design it that way?? In the book the entire ship spun, which makes so much more sense! Why does it have solar panels when it has a reactor canonically capable of 40 times their output? Why are the fuel tanks so small? Why is it always facing prograde even when canonically burning retrograde? Why? WHY? BLRRRRGGGGGRGGGRGGG

In Conclusion, Ships Are Neat

[snarkwrites]

Title: ghosts of christmases past

Theme: holiday party

Fandom / Character(s):Juice Ortiz x OFC! Hazel Morrow.

Warnings: A little bit angsty/bittersweet here. This is kind of Juice and Hazel being stuck on the side of the road together and... internally reflecting on their last christmas together, alone and earlier at the MC. One in particular. Listen, if I’m never gonna write either version of this story, just enjoy these random ass little bits as they come to me, lmaooo. Love you guys.

FYI, the bit in italics is Haze having a bit of a flashback. This ties to the theme, I promise.. It’s theme adjacent...

I made the moodboard thing. Don’t steal or repost/claim as your own.

Word Count: uhh.. 300 to 700+, roughly.

My last intention was for this to... Turn angsty and bittersweet. But alas, here we are.. But don’t fret, it ends kinda.. somewhat happily.

Also, again.. I made the banner for this. Don’t steal or repost.

TAGGING:

@chasingeverybreakingwave @sassymox and @kyleoreillysknee are the only people on my Sons Of Anarchy taglist. If you’d like to be on there, dm my main or this blog or click that link belowa nd add yourself.

also gonna tag bb @champbucks and @12daysofchristmas

[ about my writing | masterlist | multifandom tag doc ]

“Sweetie, can you go with Juice into town? Your brother said that Tig and Chibs are sending him after some things for the party tonight and I need a few things too. I’d do it, but I’m kind of enjoying Grandma time with little bit and your nephews.”

My mom thought she was asking the harmless questions. Apparently, she’d completely forgotten how Juice and I can’t even be in the same room anymore without either a shouting match or awkward silence and heavy tension as the air around us filled to the brim with things that hadn’t been said. 

And all I could think was that this time a few years ago, before I left town, we were so happy. I thought he was it for me. I thought back then that by now, we’d be settled down. That maybe Juice would be working at Teller Morrow and I’d be teaching or something.

I swallowed hard and nodded. My mom wasn’t going to let me out of this and obviously, whatever she needed was important.

She handed me a list and some money. I tried to shove the money back at her, explaining that I’d pay, but she wouldn’t hear it. 

As I went to walk out the door, my mom called out to me. “Juice was a better man than Jase.”

I whirled around, gazing at my mother with my brow raised. “ If this is your way of saying you told me so, Mom… Trust me. Lesson learned.”

“No, I was just suggesting that maybe you use the time you’re out with Juice, you at least attempt to talk to him. I know things went wrong back then, but I also know that if you didn’t still feel something and feel it strongly, you wouldn’t spend so much time picking fights with the poor guy. He doesn’t really have anyone but the club, Hazelynn.”

I opened my mouth but I closed it. My mom had a point. And lately, any fool could see that Juice was really going through it.. He rarely talked to anyone, he was always so damn tense I thought he’d jump right out of his skin. If he did have to interact with me, he was even more tense. Standoffish, even, and that wasn’t like the man I’d known years before. That wasn’t the man I loved. Juice was more easy going and a bit of a joker. Not this tense and serious guy he’d apparently turned into as of late.

I was beyond worried about him. To a point where my own current situation was sort of taking a backseat. But any attempt I’d made to reconnect had been met with annoyance. Bitterness. And deep down, that cut me.

He was literally the one man I’d honestly never wanted to give up back then. But I had to at least try to follow my dreams. I had to at least try living a life free of the MC and it’s dangers and scary situations. I’d just needed a break.

“You know I’m right, Hazelynn. You look at him the way I used to look at Jax’s father. You never wanted to break it off back then. You’re home now. You’re safe. You deserve to be happy. And if Juice makes you happy, maybe you need to stop pushing that down and lean into it. Just a thought, sweetie.”

“Mom, I…”

“No buts. Go. I need everything on that list now, not four hours from now.”

I eyed my mom and after a second or two, I walked out of the kitchen and into the hallway, stopping to put on a light jacket. It wasn’t terribly cold, but I knew it would get cooler the later in the afternoon it got.  I made my way down the hall and into the guest room where I’d put down my little girl Serena earlier after she crashed for her daily nap. I leaned over and brushed my lips against her forehead. “Mommy will be back as soon as she can, okay? Until then, Gramma’s got you. Be sweet, little angel.” I muttered, walking to the door of the bedroom and shutting it quietly behind me so the boys didn’t run in and wake her up.

I’d just walked outside when Juice’s motorcycle as well as my brother’s and Opie’s came to a stop in front of my mother’s house. They were laughing and talking and as usual, the second Juice and I locked eyes, his jaw set and the smile was gone. There was only hurt and bitterness there.

Opie and Jax shared a look and quickly retreated to the inside of our mom’s house and I shuffled my feet, trying to figure out a way to ask if he’d give me a ride to town too. Even though I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that the last thing he wanted to do was have me riding behind him on his bike. Even something as simple as an accidental brushing of bodies lately seemed to make him overly annoyed.

And it hurt.

I knew I’d hurt him. I just wanted to make up for that. But so far, he wasn’t willing to let me.

“Are you going into town?” I asked the question tentatively. Juice stopped messing with the bike to look over at me and then he shrugged. “Maybe. Why?”

“My mom, uhh.. She needs some stuff from the grocery. I’d go in my car but it’s kind of sitting in Teller Morrow on a jack right now…” I gave a sheepish look and bit my lip, watching his facial expression as he seemed to take forever mulling it over.

“Fine. I’m leavin now though.”

“I’m all ready to go.” I answered, stepping a little closer. I stared up at him intently, noticing just how pronounced the deep circles seemed to be under his eyes. He clearly hadn’t been sleeping.

,, Oh Juice,” I thought to myself, ,, Why do I feel like there’s something wrong but you stubbornly refuse to reach out.”  

He eyed me and bit his lip. For a few seconds, I almost thought he was going to say something. He looked like he wanted to ask me something so badly that it literally almost came out, but he closed his mouth and cleared his throat, nodding to his motorcycle. “Hold on tight.”

I slipped onto the bike behind him, careful to hold on tight but leave distance. Last thing I wanted was for him to get annoyed because I was leaning against him a little.

The ride into town was quiet, only the sounds of the motor and the wind. I shivered a little, wishing I’d opted for a long sleeve beneath my thin jacket too. I’d forgotten just how chilly it got to ride a motorcycle, because I hadn’t done it in so long.

The lights of town were coming into view when things went downhill quick, fast and in a hurry.

The motorcycle got wobbly and Juice swore, pulling over on the side of the road, near one of the canyons. The wind picked up a bit and I hugged myself. Juice kicked at the motorcycle and dragged a hand over his head. A movement which I spent far too long staring at as my mind just kind of… Drifted.

To a Christmas a few years ago, back before everything went so horribly wrong between us.

XXX

“ Baby girl, wake up.”

The warmth of his breath against my ear had my eyes fluttering open and as soon as I saw the bright midmorning sun, I groaned. “Oh no. Mom is going to absolutely murder me.”

“We both crashed. Question, how dead do you think I’m about to be in Clay Morrow’s eyes, scale of ten?” Juice asked the question as he rushed around, grabbing my clothes for me so I could go and jump in the shower. My head was pounding. I knew the few drinks I had the night before at the MC Christmas party had been a very, very bad idea… Especially when you consider that of my entire family, I’m the one who never does things like this.

But last night had been magical. Cuddling in front of a bonfire with Juice, wrapped in a blanket. Stargazing as we sipped cocoa and later, whiskey… and we just kind of really talked about the future. Where we saw things going.

I didn’t have the heart to tell him that after I graduated in the spring, I was heading off to UCLA. And that I intended to put distance between myself and Charming for a while. I just.. I needed the break from the rollercoaster of crazy my life had always been. I needed time to process discovering that my father wasn’t the same man as Jax’s father, but Clay Morrow, a man that I really hadn’t ever bonded with. A man that I’d always seen as merely ‘dad’s replacement’. 

I didn’t want to ruin our time left together, so I hadn’t quite told him yet.

His arms wrapped around me from behind just as I went to step into the shower in his bathroom and he muttered quietly against the shell of my ear, “Want some help washing off, baby girl?”

I turned to face him, melting against him and biting my lip as I gave a soft laugh and giggled. “Your hands all over me? It’s only one of my biggest fantasies, baby.”

His mouth crashed against mine passionately, our tongues tangling, his hands all over me as he pulled me even closer somehow and mumbled into the deep and passionate kiss, “Love you so fuckin much baby girl. Can’t wait until we don’t have to deal with curfews and all this other shit. When it’s just you an’ me. Our own little family.”

I swallowed down the lump in my throat and smiled up at him, nodding even though I knew I wouldn’t be around for a while. But not having the heart to tell him…

XXX

“I asked you a question, Haze. You listenin to me?” Juice’s stern tone had my head snapping up and I bit my lip, surveying the blown tire. I finally managed to clear my mind from my memories enough to ask what he’d said and he grumbled, repeating himself.

He’d asked if I had any signal on my cell phone. I handed it over and he took it, unlocking it and promptly pausing.

And in that moment, I wanted to kick myself, because I forgot that I’d taken a photo of him with Serena asleep a few days ago at the MC when she got dropped off there to be watched by Jax and the guys until I finished my shift at the hospital. I’d come in to find her asleep on Juice’s chest, arms around his neck. She’d told me on the way home that she had three favorite uncles now… Apparently, she’d really bonded with Juice.

I told myself that I put the picture on my phone because my little girl was in it. But deep down I knew it was more or less because the two people I loved most in the world were in a photo together and I wanted it where I could see it every time I had a shitty day or a long double shift at the hospital.

He glanced at me, rubbing his hand over his head and held the phone back out in haste. “None. Same as mine. We’re either walkin or we’re standin here all night. Because I don’t exactly have a spare.”

“Shit… I.. I can walk up the road a little, see if maybe I can pick up service.” I offered, starting to walk away before Juice even had a chance to verbally answer. I’d gotten a few feet away from the motorcycle and Juice and I heard him running to catch up, stopping me.

“It’s getting dark. I’ll come with ya.”

“I figured you might want some space, I… you were getting annoyed.” I mumbled softly, staring up at him. His entire expression changed and he sighed quietly, shaking his head no, tilting my chin up when I decided it was better if I looked down and not directly at him.

Because I couldn’t take the pain in his eyes anymore. I also hated that I was the reason it was there to begin with.

Everything had gone so horribly wrong between us and it was all my fault. All because I’d been too afraid to do what I really wanted. Too young, too stupid, too filled with all these big plans. Plans that all went wrong and even if they did go alright, they always felt wrong. I’d never really felt like I was where I was supposed to be.

But since I’d come home?

I hadn’t felt like I was ever supposed to be anywhere else. Maybe I never should’ve left. Maybe then my daughter would have a good father and not some prick of a sperm donor who was already married and wanted no part of her, or of me.

“I wasn’t. It’s just hard bein around you… Knowin that I wasn’t enough.” Juice mumbled quietly and I gave a quiet gasp.

“Juice, you’ve always been more than I deserved.” I found the courage to actually hold his gaze, my brows knit in concern because his words weren’t like him… and somehow, I knew he meant them and that he felt them.

Had he always felt them?

“That’s not why I left…” I started, only to go silent. “I left because I had to know if there was more to life. I needed a break from the craziness and I had a lot on my mind. I was so in love with you that sometimes it scared me.” I trailed off completely, muttering the last part “I wish I never left every single day.” quietly enough that I thought maybe he wouldn’t hear it.

But he did hear it. And he tilted my chin again, leaning down a little, his mouth brushing against mine. “It’s also hard bein around you because I still love you, baby girl. I never stopped. I just thought you didn’t...”

“I didn’t what?” I asked, my mouth brushing up against his with each word that left it. His fingertips dug into my waist and I rubbed against him just a little, my breaths shaky and erratic. Everything coming at me so fast I didn’t have time to process. I waited on him to answer.

“That maybe you didn’t love me.” he finally answered, adding quickly, “I was scared back then too…” his hand caressed my cheeks and he stared into my eyes. The wind picked up and he wrapped his arms around me to try keeping me warm just a little.

“I still love you too.” I admitted it quietly, making him blink in shock when his eyes met mine. He swallowed hard and started to  tenderly move his hands up and down my sides, one hand stopping to caress my cheek all over again.

“First.. We get off the side of the fuckin road.. Then, baby girl… when we get back to the MC, we’re going to have a serious talk, okay?”

I gave a soft laugh and nodded. “Okay. That’s fair enough. Let’s go try to find a spot with some service, yeah?”

“Yeah, even though I don’t wanna let you go right now.”

“You have all night to dance with me and hold me.. Like that last Christmas party we went to back then.. I’ve missed us so much.” I pointed out, making him nod.

Nothing mattered but getting back to the MC. Because I had so much I wanted to say. So much I needed to do to make things right again. To show him that I loved him and I’d missed him every single day I was away. That I made a huge mistake back then and I was so sorry.

[antpernas]

1/23/21

This day was... whew boy. A trip.

So, we started off alright, we woke up at an OK time but didn’t end up getting ready to do stuff until after my parents had left for work. At that point, we decided to *get it on* which was SOOOO much fun. Douching together was hilarious, and a nice little throwback to when we first met. It was also nice to finally have sex with someone that I truly, deeply cared about again, and (MOST IMPORTANTLY) to have it be reciprocated. The fact that it was good sex was just a nice perk :) Definitely boosted my confidence with topping, since it had been so long!

After we finished up, we started getting ready to head north! Our first task was to test my kayak and see if it would hold up under our combined weights. The answer; barely! But barely would HAVE to do, since the beach I wanted to take him to was only accessible by boat or by kayak. We loaded my kayak, and this time I made sure that I actually grabbed the oars! Then, off we went!

Before we got to the park, we made a stop at Joseph’s market to get some lunch. Oh my GODDD how horrible a decision that was!! Scorpio was, yet again, overwhelmed with the many choices available to him. He ended up buying various quantities of different items, as opposed to doing the dinner combo like I had suggested, and spent just a bit too much money on food. But, GREAT food, so in my opinion it was worth it! Though, I’m sure his wallet didn’t feel the same.

Afterwards, we made a straight shot to the park, all the while making sure my kayak wasn’t slipping off my car to go tumbling into traffic like a large boulder the size of a small boulder. I think Scorpio ate a little bit while I was driving, and I, as always, took the opportunity to show him more music. This time, I showed him the soundtrack to the sequel of the game I tried to get us to play the night before, which we ended up dozing off while playing. Once we got there, I parked so I could eat my food, then we started getting ready to launch!

Getting into the kayak was the simple partl. The real challenge was getting across to the entrance. Poor Scorpio had to sit in the seat and row us across on this barely balanced kayak, otherwise the weight wasn’t properly distributed. I remember him asking me to hold him tighter while he rowed, which was just... UGH butterflies! It was in this moment that I started singing “Go the Distance,” sparking a new, very unique step in my intimacy with him. Singing seriously was something I had never done in front anyone, and especially not intentionally. I felt very vulnerable, but it was also kind of liberating. And he told me it helped, which made me feel even better. Soon enough, we made it across!

The walk to the beach was gorgeous, and we ended up sparking a discussion about Disney movies and Broadway musicals, which was a part of my memories I hadn’t brushed off in a LONG time. It was also interesting to hear about some of his experiences with them. As much as I love to talk, hearing him talk about his past or his life at any time he felt comfortable sharing it was so amazing. It was almost like it made him seem more real to me, like he wasn’t just this perfect, extraterrestrial angel that brought happiness everywhere he went, but in fact, a human! It was nice.

We ended up singing some more until we got to the beach, which was choppy as SHIT. I already knew from the clouds that it wouldn’t be a good day for snorkeling, but to say I had anticipated the water to be that bad would be a lie. We ended up making an attempt for a few minutes before we just decided to swim normally and then walk the beach and chat more. At some point, we turned around to start trying to get to the exit, but we couldn’t find it! We ended up passing it and hitting the north end of the beach/island, talking about musicals and stuff the entire way there. We found a pretty cool abandoned jetty/pier thing, though, which was SUPER cool. We decided to risk losing the daylight and walked along it while chatting some more.

We got a ways into the path before he stopped me for a second and said there was something he wanted to tell me.

Oh boy.

He didn’t even finish the sentence before I knew where this was going. And then he said it. “I just don’t think I like you that way... You’re like a bro to me.” Surprisingly, I took this pretty well at first! I didn’t cry, didn’t pout, and I think I handled it pretty well. But then we sort of finished the conversation that we were having and it went dead silent between us. And THAT’S when I started to feel it.

I don’t even think I can recount the absolute rollercoaster of emotions and thoughts I had while we started searching for the exit again. I tried my best to be as sweet and enthusiastic as I normally was with him, but I just wasn’t in the headspace to do it, I don’t think. And halfway through the walk back to the dock from the beach exit, I just started choking on my tears. I remember just being so very... conflicted? Angry? Sad? I just couldn’t even begin to piece it together. I was disgusted with myself for thinking I was mad at Scorpio simply because he didn’t feel the same way about me, and I felt stupid for even thinking to feel entitled to that from him in the first place, even though, up until that point, it had never occurred to me that I was! I still don’t even think I was; my mind was just trying to jump to an easy answer to the questions I had bouncing in my head, and blaming Scorpio seemed like the most simple solution, even though every part of me knew that’s not what I wanted to do.

I kept thinking about it, though, and once we were coming up on the entrance, I finally realized who I was REALLY angry at; myself. I was angry because I felt stupid for devoting so much of myself to someone who never felt the same way, for potentially making someone I cared about so much feel that they were obligated to show me that same affection back. Once I came upon this realization, the waterworks REALLY started coming down. But it was liberating to know that I wasn’t truly angry at Scorpio. Really, all I felt in my heart for him was, and is, love. And it was comforting to know that there was nothing more to this situation than that it just. Plain. Sucked. We can’t control who we get butterflies for, and it just so happened that Scorpio didn’t feel that way for me. And that’s okay!

(Sidebar, he chipped his toenail soon after he told me that, and joked that the universe was already putting him in his place. I have a thing to say about that later.)

And this is when I asked myself one very important question; what’s next? That’s what I got to mull on once we got to the kayak and I had to hold him while he rowed us across again, still in silence.

Loading the kayak was a bit of a chore, but we managed to do it and started heading on our way. As much as I tried to hold back my tears once we started going, it just wasn’t happening. This was especially true once I REALLY tried to choke them back to finish talking about the soundtrack to the game I was showing him. The floodgates were OPENED. But it was a relief.

We started chatting and I got what I wanted to say off my chest; that it was all okay. That I realized I’m just mad at myself, and that it’s not his fault that he doesn’t feel the same way for me (not that he needed my validation or anything). I thanked him for being honest and giving me the chance to see him again, as well as this closure, and I apologized for being distant while we were heading back to my car. He was reassuring through all of this, telling me that it was okay, and making sure I understood that he still wanted to be friends, as long as I wanted to be.

And this is when I sort of came upon an answer to that question. I realized a LOT in that hour~ long period after he told me what he needed to, but perhaps the most important takeaway for me is that I just want to be happy. All the other details about situations are semantics; if I love someone and it makes me happy to spend time with them, then I should do it! And if it doesn’t, then I won’t. It’s as simple as that. It doesn’t matter if we’re dating, if we’re friends, or whatever it may be; I didn’t even have concrete definitions for those anyway, so this thought process was the real answer to all my problems. Do what makes me happy. And Scorpio makes me happy. So even if he doesn’t love me the same way, if he wants to be friends, then I’m thankful he’s not just cutting me out of his life and I get to spend more time with him some day! I just need time to get over the heartbreak and adjust to our new relationship. A strong relationship at that.

The “thing” I had to say earlier was that I didn’t by any means want Scorpio to feel as though he deserved some kind of punishment just for breaking my heart. I can already imagine it sucks to hurt someone you care about, and the last thing I would ever want is to rub salt in his wounds. I may poke fun about it in the future when we see each other again, but I would never want to make him feel as though he needs to truly be ashamed or guilty for being honest with me. It’s sort of for this same reason that I don’t like saying he “broke my heart.” Even though he did, just saying it like that paints him as an antagonist, when really, he was just honest with me, and he still means the world to me. He made me realize I need better friends, JAJA!

But, yeah! That was my internal journey, and after that all that was left was to heal, mostly. On the way home, I gushed more about the soundtrack and we chatted about my background with music. He said he was always impressed with me and how I’d taught myself so much about music, and it made me feel all sheepish, but good! We stopped at my old middle school and took a walk around the park/trail right outside of it, and chatted a little bit more about me and my childhood. Once we finished there, we hopped back in the car and went home.

For the most part, home was alright! The only weird part was figuring out our new boundaries, and since everything was so fresh, I wasn’t sure where I wanted to set them. Of course, the ball was in my court, but I didn’t want to suddenly turn on a dime and act as if I didn’t like Scorpio at all, because that would never be the case! My second greatest regret of that trip was not cuddling him when we went to sleep that night.

EDIT: I LIED we tried to play Monument Valley before we went to sleep but we ended up dozing off. Also we talked about our views on relationships when we parked at Red Reef park.

[kotilae]

Hi, i really like your art and wanted to ask, what do you think about Stone Ocean's ending? I would be extremely grateful if you could take your time and answer me, because there's one very important topic about it that you might be interested in too. Kind Regatds

Finally getting around to answering this. It is early in the morning while I’m starting this and I’m still very tired even after coffee so bear with me (also thank you!! <3)

Gonna put this under a cut for spoiler reasons and I just know I’m gonna end up rambling

Okay. STONE OCEAN. In short, all I can say is W H E W. It was a rollercoaster of emotions from start to finish and I loved every second of it! Araki has such an amazing way of making characters & stories & interactions, and I get attached so, so easily (which of course leads to many tears but we’ll get into that).

There was a lot leading up to the ending that I remember yelling about to a few of my friends. Most notably I went to the person who got me into JoJo in the first place (a very good friend I’ve known for a very long time now. If ur reading this Eli I love u but also damn you)  and I just went hog through the whole finale arc to him. The abilities, the character struggles and desperation, how they held onto hope even though everything was hopeless... just, HOO. Good Stuff.

Pucci is a FANTASTIC villain. I loved him by design alone before I even fully got into the series, back when I was just starting to really sit down and watch part 1, then after reading Stone Ocean, I was given an actual CHARACTER to stick to that image and it only solidified my love for him. My most favored villains are the ones that see their own causes as right and just, even if they’re going about it the wrong way. It’s also one of the reasons why I adored Death Note so much, but that’s a whole other tangent that I already spent 3 hours ranting to my brother about a few nights ago. Anyway,

It was so incredible and so different to see the villain WINNING like that all the time, up until the very end. Most of the time when a villain is winning like that, something happens that knocks them down and causes the protags to prevail--but not this time, and that’s what really stuck with me about it. I already knew how it ended before I read the part because I Am Not Immune To Spoilers (aka a friend will mention something and I’ll lead myself down a rabbit hole of “I don’t need sleep, I need answers”) but seeing it in action was a whole different level of off-the-shits, as-Joseph-would-say “OH MY GOD!” Made In Heaven is such a cool ability and I was losing my MIND over that whole arc. Every time Pucci made a move, every time the gang made plans to stop him and inevitably failed, I just had to sit there and take it all in because it was AMAZING. Painful because I had to see all my favorites get wrecked, but amazing. And I feel so bad for Emporio, that poor boy ;_; Stuck in an endless cycle of repeating timelines, always slightly different but ending the same. And that just ties everything together at the beginning: why he was hiding in the first place, how he knew to warn Jolyne not to go in that room and speak with Jotaro. And he still has hope through all these which just DESTROYS me because even though he probably knows it’ll be the same, he still thinks “maybe we can stop it this time” and just oof.

And unrelated to the ending (kinda?) but alluding back to my self-spoiling, I also regrettably spoiled myself on the entire Heavy Weather arc. I would’ve loved to be surprised by that, but I had to read Weather Report’s wiki like the town fool I am. But still, that was another case of seeing it in action was way different than just reading about it. And I got HEAVILY attached to Weather. I don’t really often cry over fiction (regardless of me saying “there were many tears” about things all the time), but I made the mistake of putting on sad piano music while reading it and it got the waterworks going big-time. It was an Angel Beats situation all over again where I just had to sit in silent tears for 20 minutes before moving on.

But yeah, just, holy moly. I really hope we get an anime adaptation because I need to see Made In Heaven animated. (There’s actually a fan animation one of my friends sent in discord and I internally screamed about it for a good hour because it’s INCREDIBLE. Made by TheDashingDoctorK (who also made that one really good DOOM/Animal Crossing crossover animation. u know the one) and I’ll be rb’ing it after this since I just found it on here, but here’s the yt link for it: https://youtu.be/SAsM_nd1ULQ )

Part 6′s ending was outstanding and I loved it with every fiber of my being, including how sad it made me. And we might’ve lost everything in the end there, but we gained Steel Ball Run, which I’m currently about 1/3 of the way through and enjoying immensely.

[alsparaarchive]

𝑾𝒉𝒆𝒓𝒆 𝑰𝒕 𝑺𝒕𝒂𝒓𝒕𝒆𝒅 / Alex & Sid

Date: July 5, 2015 Location: Vancouver Rooftop Bar; The World Cup Celebration

Summary: The first time they ever met. 

Date Started: January 31, 2021 Date Completed: still in progress

Sidney He was still somewhere in the middle of getting the confetti that had somehow wedged itself into his right earlobe loose, when Gino had snuck in around him; two girls tucked underneath both his arms, and said something about a party? And, since Sid was still half-deafened by half-an-inch of coloured paper he was forced to lean back in and get the Russian to repeat himself. “Did you say a party?” It was confirmed with a nod and a grin that could’ve taken out the two women still standing beside his friend… “Okay… sure.” The brunette had been hesitant to say yes... First, this was Gino... the Russian had a history of getting the boys to go to parties with him only to find out that once they got there it was just a couple of girls, a couch, and a whole lot of trouble just waiting to happen. Second, his recent break-up with Kathy still felt… raw. Which he knew was why Gino and Kris had him in Vancouver right now watching the Women’s World Cup… distraction was key, right? Not something that either one of them had ever said directly to his face or anything, but the tickets that had presented themselves at exactly that time and to a sport he’d never really had an affinity for, definitely had. And yet… somehow… Gino had kept him from backing out… which was saying a lot of the Russian’s powers of persuasion and probably also a lot about why the Cold War had taken so damn long to come to an end. There was a long line out the restaurant door, but Gino said he had the gold ticket… which had Kris asking if he meant the golden ticket? Gino nodded—making Sidney laugh despite the fact he hated doing the line cut thing, but it wasn’t like they were taking up seats in the restaurant anyway. No, apparently there was some private thing happening on the roof top with their invitees tonight. The deal was, somehow Gino had scored himself an invite to the USA Women’s Soccer Team’s celebratory party via Twitter. Which of course had Sidney from the moment he’d found out till the moment he’d walked up the stairs and sighted a couple of the girls’ he’d seen on the big jumbo screen earlier, doubting. /Sorry Gino/. Suddenly, it was like most eyes in the room were on them as Sidney offered up a big of wave and Gino held out his arms and said USA, USA, USAAAAAA… and okay, it was bad. It was really bad, but at least the atmosphere had cracked, and the bouncers weren’t making any sort of headway towards them… still… Sidney couldn’t help but feel out of place as he walked over to the bar and asked for a drink… bumping shoulders with a girl as he did… “uh, sorry…” he stopped. He recognised her. You didn’t have to be a big soccer fan to recognise the face of Alex Morgan… “maybe I should be buying you a drink…” okay that had come out bad… he internally and externally cringed… “I mean for your big win today…”

Alex The aftermath of winning the World Cup was a bit of an emotional rollercoaster, not only for Alex but all her teammates it seemed and almost none of them were on the same ride all ebbing and flowing at different times. There was the high of winning sure but coming to terms with the fact that it was over and finally being able to breathe a sigh of relief after how emotionally and physically taxing the journey had been made for a very strange experience the forward couldn't have possibly prepared herself for. She didn't know what she wanted to do more, party or sleep — for days! "Oh no, baby horse, you're coming!" Her teammate, mentor, and current roommate insisted when Alex even so much as hinted at the idea. She knew she would ultimately end up going but damn was that bed calling her name. "Yeah, yeah," was all she replied with while giving the blonde a smirk Abby could only see through the younger girl's reflection in the mirror as she brushed out her damp hair after showering a little bit earlier to get all the beer and champagne from the celebration in the locker room out of her hair. One of Alex's favorite part about being on the USWNT was how completely badass all the women were and how they could go from being a sweaty mess on the pitch to looking like a million dollars at the drop of a hat. Everyone looked stunning, dressed to the nines as they rolled up to the five star Vancouver rooftop bar that promised to be the perfect backdrop to a crazy evening. She was only on her second French martini when she heard some ruckus going on by the entrance, a man's voice cheering them on but she barely paid it half a mind as she was too busy being amused by Kelley challenging one of the bartenders to a game of beer pong. Only she could somehow finesse her way into getting him to push two tables together and craft the perfect makeshift set up. The defender would go on and on about how she could take out all the guys at the frat parties she went to back in college and now was her time to shine to prove (mostly to herself) that she still had it. Alex only stayed because she somehow got roped into being Kelley's partner while Chaney paired with the bartender. She wanted a chill night, no competitions, but when faced with one there was no way she was going to back down, she WAS Alex Morgan after all. To no surprise they won the first round and in a desperate attempt to get out of playing the second she grabbed their teammate Sidney who just happened to be walking by. "You play, I need to pee," was her lame excuse but at least it worked. It was that time of night where everyone was still on their way to getting drunk so no one was too crazy yet but Alex knew the line would be crossed very soon and she was making bets in her mind on who would be the first to get there as she waited for the bartender from the bar at the other end of the place to make her drink. "Oh —" was her original reaction to being bumped, bringing her mind back from wherever it had managed to go off to. An eyebrow cocked at his words as she tried but failed to let the smirk take over her features. "How very generous of you to offer to pay for me at an open bar," the striker chuckled playfully. It took her a moment in the dim lighting but she finally recognized him and while it was a nice surprise she had no idea how he managed to get himself here, to this party of all places but she figured he was Canadian and must be a fan or something. Who was going to say no to letting Sidney Crosby in the door? He was probably even more of a big deal here then in the states so it made sense, at least in her mind. "Thank you, though... for the sentiment anyway." Her hand was soon occupied by her martini glass and she wasted no time in taking a sip. "So tell me, what's the great Sidney Crosby's poison of choice?"

Sidney For those who knew him, Sidney Crosby was a bit of an anomaly. Unlike most who’d come up through the usual college/junior league pipeline at such a young age to only later be spat out by either the league or themselves for ‘poor’ behaviour choices, the twenty-eight-year-old had remained tied to his past and the straight and narrow upbringing that had come along with it. A lot of journalists had it pinned down to growing up in Nova Scotia, where the population never quite teetered pass 30,000. Or even his father—who’d had his own history with the league. What they all eventually worked out though was Sidney just wasn’t what they’d expected him to be. Young, talented … sure… but the guy that was also going to give them all some sort of titillating headline… no. What Sidney was… was hockey. There wasn’t a moment on or off the ice he wasn’t thinking or breathing hockey. So, when he’d been forced into a bit of a set-up by a couple of friends and met Kathy… things had unexpectedly taken a turn for the young brunette. It was just… one minute there was a hockey and then there was… hockey and her and it had been a lot. His sister Taylor had told him ‘that’s love,’ which was pretty weird because he was almost certain it wasn’t love… at least not yet, but she’d always been a little weird. A comment that had earned him a hit by one of his mother’s handstitched patch work pillows… thanks Taylor. It had taken Sidney a whole year to work out that she was probably right. The words escaping him one night across the dinner table while the two had been picking olives out of a garden salad the two had just ordered with a family size pizza. His stomach had done something that someone less logical might’ve compared to a somersault when Kathy eyes had widened, and her hand had found his neck and pulled him towards her… and for a moment there Sidney had honestly thought that would be it. That would be everything he’d ever need in life, Kathy and hockey… but as the years started to go by and his friends, teammates and family started to expand their families, Sidney realised he wanted more. Kids had never really been a topic of discussion for the two… they’d been young and busy and maybe it was wrong to assume that Kathy would just want them whenever he did. First, she’d pointed out that they weren’t even married yet... which Sidney hadn’t quite got, because wasn’t that all implied with the question? That marriage was part of the package too. Which had really upset her, because after nearly nine years this was how he was going to propose. It was all down here from there and before Sidney even realised what had happened it was just hockey and no Kathy again. There had been a few attempts to make amends and even a couple of goes at trying again... but in the end it was over. All nine years of it. Which is a lot in numbers. One hundred and eight months, four hundred and sixty-nine weeks, three thousand and eighty-five days… it’s a lot and despite Geno and Kris’ best efforts to cheer him up, Sidney was still not-quite feeling it… At least until he found himself next to FIFA World Cup champion Alex Morgan and suddenly there was something to smile about, because right of course the bar was an open one tonight… despite it… Sidney leaned forward, getting the barkeeper’s attention and ordering whatever Alex appeared to be drinking tonight… his hand reaching into his pocket to pull out a twenty and slipping it into the ‘tip jar.’ A smile on his face as he let it fall out of his fingers… “drink bought…” Her question had him debating a little. He’d originally slid up ready to order ‘just’ a beer, but now that he was here and consciously aware that this was a celebration, he settled with a whiskey straight, “what did you have me pegged as? An Apple Martini kind of guy?” He knew a lot of shit got talked about him. He was emotional… passionate... which had its critics. Some of it got to him… most of it didn’t. “What’s got you so hooked on those…” Whatever she was drinking gave off a fruity aroma. Definitely not something he’d usually drink, but the night was a warm one and something about the whole thing was mildly tempting… though thinking about it, if Gino saw him drinking up some pink cocktail… he’d never live it down. He could hear the Russian’s loud laughs echoing across the patio, but where the giant’s exact location was amongst everyone else was still a mystery… besides Sidney wasn’t exactly thinking of leaving his spot at the bar anytime soon. Though, maybe he’d trapped Alex here with his lame gesture to ‘buy’ her drink and all these questions about fruit cocktails when where all she really wanted to be was out there with her teammates on the makeshift dance floor. “Hey, sorry… if you need to go…”

Alex The brunette tilted her head in gratitude with a smile once the second drink was on the bar in front of her and the twenty had fallen into the tip jar. She didn't really know how to take it but she figured just accepting it and not making a big deal was the best way to go. Alex sat there, taking another sip of her martini, silently berating the butterflies in her stomach that she hadn't felt if not since college then honestly, never. She was married, newly, freshly married, the instantaneous spark and magnetism to the man next to her was completely inappropriate and yet there she was taking a step closer to him, closing what seemed to be too big of a gap for two people engaged in conversation. She had never been one to stray from any relationship but especially not the one she was eight years deep and now fully committed to. The striker had gone through what felt like everything with Servando by her side; He saw her career grow from the very beginning of when she started to become a big deal in college. He spent countless nights helping her study before a big test or running drills before a big game. It was easy to do life with him, she enjoyed it, but even at their most passionate she never felt that SPARK everyone talked about and chalked it up to being nothing but superficial and fictional anyway. Love was about friendship, the kind of bond you didn't want to let go of, (right?) and Servando fulfilled those requirements to a T. Alex had her passion and it was soccer, in her mind that's really all she needed, finding that in a man had never been a priority. "Are you making fun of my martini?" she teased after he mocked being an apple martini kind of guy. "No... whiskey. You have yet to surprise me, Crosby." Even she could barely recognize the flirty tone in her voice, which caused yet another sip of her drink. Hopefully he'd just think she was eager to celebrate her win, not that she was someone who drank her alcohol a bit too fast. "Oh, these? My sister got me hooked on them a few years ago, they're great for when you're out and want to pace yourself but still have something delicious. I was tempted to stick to the champagne but I refuse to be the first one wasted and miss out on all the amusement of watching everyone else get there first." The soccer player laughed a little at her own words. Her eyes scanned the crowd for a moment before her green-blue hues were right back on him. "No, don't worry. You're actually saving me from a very grueling game of beer pong. Kel's over there trying to relive her glory days. I think your friend might've taken over the poor bartender's spot." This team was nothing if not a good time, she was sure he would discover that in no time. "Not your thing either? Or am I the one keeping you? Either way..." Alex sat her glass back down on the bar and carefully slid it over in his direction, "you're not getting away without trying it." Her head motioned to the drink waiting to see if he would take the bait.

Sidney He laughed at her accusation. His hand lifting up in apology as he took a sip from his glass, only lowering it once she’d pointed out just how unoriginal he was for his own drink of choice tonight. It was weird but he was slightly mad at himself now, for not going against the grain earlier and ordering one of whatever she was having. Somehow ‘surprising’ Alex Morgan seemed appealing right now. Which was weird because he’d only been standing there beside her for less than ten minutes and it seemed strange to care so much about something like that… He supposed it had been years since he’d slid up next to a pretty girl at a bar and allowed himself to look… and it wasn’t even like he was doing that, right? Right. It was just— he was at a party (somewhat uninvited) and he was being friendly. That’s what this was. “Sorry to disappoint…” his smile twitched up as he watched her start talking about the drink her fingers were currently wrapped around. He heard a few buzz words that would’ve allowed him to stitch together a proper reply if she’d expected it once she was finished, but really, he’d just been watching her talk and get excited about something like a drink and he couldn’t help but think it was all kind of cute really. Here was ‘the’ Alex Morgan the girl he’d just watched own it on the soccer pitch and here she also was rambling about some drink she’d come accustom to ordering… yeah, champagne has a way of getting you to do some pretty outrageous things too…” he thought about the first time he’d filled the Stanley cup with it and drunk more than he’d ever had in his life. That had been a night. His head getting cloudy just thinking about it—though maybe that was less about the champagne and more about the fact that Alex had just said that he, Sidney Crosby, was saving the USA superstar from some game of beer pong? He looked across to where she’d mentioned it was going on... seeing not just Gino, but Kris there and two teammates from Alex’s team on either side of them and the table… of course. The twenty-eight-year-old was about as interested in the commotion happening over there as he was in the weather back home in Nova Scotia… turning his attention back to Alex instead and smiling when she passed her drink along the bar towards him. It didn’t have to travel very far, somehow without even realising he’d been doing it, he’d closed a lot of the previous space that had once existed between them… “well since you’ve had a few drinks now… I know you’re not secretly moonlighting as a Philly fan with the goal to poison me tonight, so…” he scooped it up. The glass dwarfing in his hands as he did… “mmm…” he could’ve avoided the lipstick and drank from the other side, but instead he stuck his mouth on top and took his sip. The hit was instant. The fruity taste covering most of his tongue, but the hint of her lipstick was there too… “yeah, so that’s not too bad…” he lowered the glass, sliding it back over towards her, before doing the same with his own glass… “your turn.” The thing about whiskey if you got the expensive stuff the taste had different notes to it. Something Alex might not have realised and something he decided to add to convince her, “I’m sure you’ve tried whiskey, but this one… this one is really good…” The thing was, he was pretty sure he just wanted her to drink from his glass in order to leave that tell-tale sign of lipstick behind that went ahead and reminded him with every next sip he had coming his way that she’d been there… which was insane. He knew that. He wasn’t crazy. He just… didn’t care.

[aion-rsa]

Upcoming Movies in March 2021: Streaming, VOD, and Theaters

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2021 continues to be a rollercoaster for movie lovers everywhere, with a once promising Spring 2021 going much the same way as 2020 with delays, release date shifts, and growing apprehension. Still, even if the first few months of 2021 will look much like the last 12, there are reasons to smile. For starters, a new Walt Disney Animation Studios project, Raya and the Last Dragon, is about to premiere on Disney+; Eddie Murphy is finally reprising the role of Prince Akeem in Coming 2 America; and there is the chance to at last watch something called… the Snyder Cut?

Here’s what’s coming.

Moxie

March 3

Netflix kicks March off with Amy Poehler’s second feature film as director. Turning her camera lens to the anarchic battlefield of high school life, Poehler adapts Jennifer Mathieu’s novel of the same name about a young woman named Vivian (Hadley Robinson), who is fed up with the toxic masculinity and sexism at her school. So taking a page from her mother’s (Poehler) former hellraiser youth, Vivian starts an anonymous pamphlet-magazine with a punk rock aesthetic. She periodically distributes her musings around the school, mocking the double standards and perhaps calling out potential predators in their midst.

Clearly this is going to turn some heads.

Raya and the Last Dragon

March 5

Get ready for a “Disney princess movie” unlike any other. Raya and the Last Dragon is the latest effort from the fabled Walt Disney Animation Studios, and the first ever animated epic produced almost exclusively from home. The film follows Raya (Star Wars’ Kelly Marie Tran), the first Southeast Asian Disney Princess. But rest assured she’s also a unique heroine within the Disney canon. Lost without her family or home, this martial arts-trained daughter of a ninja chieftain travels through a fantasy wasteland until she meets Sisu (The Farewell’s Awkwafina), a chatty water dragon of legend.

Together they seek to save the desolated and polarized land of Kumandra. They also offer an old-fashioned adventure movie for all ages that lacks a single musical number–yet retains a familiar and welcome amount of heart.

Coming 2 America

March 5

It’s been more than 30 years since Coming to America, the amusing and very ‘80s Eddie Murphy comedy about an African prince out to find his princess in Queens, New York. In Coming 2 America, Murphy’s Akeem Joffer returns to Queens while still a prince, albeit finally with the crown in sight. With his father (James Earl Jones) on his deathbed, Akeem is commanded to seek out his long lost son Lavelle (Jermaine Fowler), who lives in New York City with no idea he’s descended from royalty.

Hence Akeem and trusted advisor Semmi (Arsenio Hall) return to their old stomping grounds to meet and retrieve Lavelle. But, really, it’s just an excuse to have Akeem back in modern NYC and to let Murphy and Hall run wild. Watch out for Wesley Snipes who appears as General Izzi, a warlord that seeks to take over Akeem’s beautiful land of Zamunda.

Chaos Walking

March 5

It’s actually happening: Doug Liman’s Chaos Walking is coming to theaters. Whether you want to go will be another matter though. The movie, which stars Spider-Man’s Tom Holland and Star Wars’ Daisy Ridley, originally finished production in 2017 with the aim to release in March 2019. But after poor test previews, the film was delayed until 2020 to make room for reshoots… and all of that was before COVID happened.

Now the film is finally walking its chaos to a theatrical release in the U.S., UK, and other markets. The film stars Ridley as the last girl in the world, literally. And she’s just been awakened to a bizarre dystopia where only boys like Holland’s Todd are left, and all their internal thoughts are verbalized by a visible force field around their heads. It’s going to be a long journey to salvation. 

The film is based on a YA novel and feels like a young adult adventure from the early 2010s. But the cast, which also includes Mads Mikkelsen, is winsome, and Liman has helmed good movies in the past with troubled productions, including The Bourne Identity and Mr. & Mrs. Smith…

Pixie

March 5 (Available in the UK Now)

As a film that by early UK reports is a whole lot of fun, Pixie is a throwback to gangster comedies of yore with a few welcome twists: The hero of the film is Pixie Hardy (Thorughbreds’ Olivia Cooke), a young criminal mastermind who attempts the ultimate heist as revenge for her mother’s death, and who then gets an armada of gun-wielding priests and nuns chasing her for the effort.

Now forced to rely on two outsiders (Ben Hardy and Daryl McCormack) in her small English village, Pixie is going to shoot her way to freedom, assuming the lethal, opera-loving Father Hector McGrath (Alec Baldwin) doesn’t put a bullet in her head first. Yeah, this could be a wild, fun ride.

Boss Level

March 5 (U.S. Only)

It’s often been remarked upon by many critics, including our own, that the time loop setup made famous by Groundhog Day has yet to produce a bad movie. Edge of Tomorrow, Happy Death Day, Source Code, The Endless, and last year’s Palm Springs (to name but a few) have all been at least pretty good. So director Joe Carnahan (The Grey, Smokin’ Aces) appears ready to push that observation to its breaking point with an action movie that positions itself as loopy fun.

Premiering on Hulu, Boss Level follows Frank Grillo as Roy Pulver, a mercenary in a time loop that begins with an assassination attempt on his life every morning and ends with a citywide explosion. In between he fights bad guys and tries to figure out how to break the loop and save his son. It’s a well-worn formula at this point, and judging by the trailer, Carnahan is leaning into the absurdity of it, along with relying on a talented cast which includes the underrated Grillo, Naomi Watts, Michelle Yeoh, Ken Jeong, and the ever controversial Mel Gibson. Will it work, or just be one day too many with this concept?

Cherry

March 12

Finally coming to streaming via Apple TV+, the Russo Brothers’ first post-Avengers movie seeks to be a Jesse James fantasy for our modern age. In the film, the Russos’ handpicked Spidey, Tom Holland, stars as Cherry, an Iraq War veteran with an addiction to opioids and a penchant for robbing banks. Highly stylized and the rare type of film we see these days—something original—hopefully Cherry is as sweet as its title.

Zack Snyder’s Justice League

March 18

It actually exists. Now. When thousands upon thousands of fans were peacefully flooding comic book convention centers, and not so peacefully taking to social media to let their frustrations be heard regarding “#TheSnyderCut,” no actual finished version of Justice League from director Zack Snyder existed; instead there was just a four-hour rough cut that was in black and white, and which existed without special effects, music, or most of that post-production sheen. But fan demand has willed this abandoned version of Justice League to emerge from the ether and take glorious form on HBO Max.

So this month, the version of Justice League that Snyder intended to make will at last drop at a gargantuan four-hour length. Will it really be the stuff fanboy dreams are made of? Or will it be a longer, more brooding variation on the film that disappointed millions more than three years ago? Whether you’re a disciple or skeptic of “the Snyder Cut” phenomenon, we suspect you’re curious about finally laying eyes on this sucker.

Godzilla vs. Kong

March 31 (March 26 in the UK)

If you’re a little fatigued on superheroes, might we suggest a giant monster smackdown? Just over a week after Batman and Superman have their rematch, Adam Wingard’s hotly anticipated Godzilla vs. Kong will also premiere on HBO Max, as well as in U.S. and UK cinemas. And in the Legendary Pictures event, the two most iconic giant monsters in movie history will have their first heavyweight bout since Toho’s more modest 1962 effort. Gone are the men in suits; in their place is the dazzling CGI that Legendary’s MonsterVerse has already deployed via Godzilla: King of the Monsters (2019) and Kong: Skull Island (2016).

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In the new film, Rebecca Hall plays a researcher who feels compelled to get the godlike King Kong off Skull Island for reasons that are not entirely clear. With similarly murky logic, Godzilla is provoked by this decision, and the traditionally benevolent kaiju is soon attacking Kong without warning. Clearly the big guys have beef. The film also stars Alexander Skarsgard, Eiza González, and a returning Millie Bobby Brown and Kyle Chandler. But come on, we’re here to “let them fight.”

The post Upcoming Movies in March 2021: Streaming, VOD, and Theaters appeared first on Den of Geek.

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[creativeashproductions]

The Surname // Grayson Dolan

Summary: Keeping your birth surname a secret to create a name for yourself it leads to meet a certain twin. Overtime you fall in love and it comes out who exactly your related to and it doesn’t change a thing. Well except that your brother doesn’t know about this new love.

Sneak Peak: “Absolutely one hundred percent about to shit my pants scared.”

Characters: Grayson Dolan x Reader, Ethan Dolan, One Direction and Zayn Malik

Words: 2233

Disclaimer: I do not own any gifs that may appear in this. I do however take ownership of the fake tweets and instagrams posts that may appear. Also the people portrayed in this are based on the people in real life but I don’t know them personally so how they act and talk have differ.

Warnings: Swearing, and complete and utter fluff.

Author: Caitsy

A/N: I used to be a huge fan of One Direction and this popped in my head. I may not be obsessive over them but I wanted to write this. Enjoy and request more fics from us please. Also Anamchara means soul friend in Ireland.

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Moving to LA was something you wouldn’t have thought where you were a kid but that was before your brother auditioned for the X Factor. It was an emotional rollercoaster as he shoved into a group and began an international hit. Six years younger than him you didn’t completely understand the fame.

You were eleven when he was given an amazing for yeses from the judges when your were sadly at school. You truly didn’t know how it was going to change your lives and when he called to let your know he was placed in a group you were further confused. They didn’t win The X Factor but Simon Cowell gave them a record deal.

As a member of the Payne family you did get approached by people about your brother which led to you being homeschooled. You began to use YouTube when you were thirteen before you truly gained popularity to the point that you couldn’t stay in England. You moved to LA while dropping the name last name Payne for your maternal grandmother’s maiden name.

“I have to know how did you get into YouTube?” Tamara asked on the TRL stage.

“It was an outlet when I was homeschooled. I was always seriously shy growing up and it helped with huge changes.”

“Well I have some YouTubers that would love to meet you.” Tamara said as twins walked on stage, “These are the Dolan Twins.”


“Hey.” Ethan said, “It’s nice to meet you.”

“You too.” You smiled back at them. Your attention turned back to Tamara who had that familiar expression wanting to know about your childhood, “I’m surprised my past hasn’t come up yet. It does make sense since I never talked about my family.”

“Are you opening up?” Tamara asked surprised.

“My birth name is Y/N Payne. I go by my grandmother’s maiden name to carve a name for myself.”


“Given the millions of followers I think you were successful.”

“I was eleven when my life changed. Liam Payne is my older brother and I’m the secret sibling he kept from the media due to my age even if some people did find out he was my brother but it didn’t get far.”

You could hear whispers of disbelief in the crowd given that there wasn’t a lot of information about you out there. You could understand it also.

“Did you ever meet the One Direction members?”



“Yeah. I’m pretty close to Niall the most. They’re pretty protective of me and Zayn’s always checking up on me. I’m sure I’ll be getting a call from them all later tonight.”

“Will they ever come back together?”



“My lips are sealed.” You joked before thanking them for bringing you onto set. Your eyes connected with the more quiet twin. He blushed moving his gaze somewhere else.

You spoke with Ethan a few times amid shocked expressions from him and his brother since you let them know your family. They complimented your thick accent before inviting you for some food.


“I can’t believe we’re talking to a One Direction family member.” Grayson admitted, “You got more cool.”

“Thank you.” You chuckled looking down to see your phone’s notifications going off.

You scanned the comments under his post seeing that Harry, Louis, Niall and Zayn commented on it before Twitter blew up by each member mentioning you. You were regretting the decision because you could be more open with your friends and family.

INSERT THE TWEETS

“Craziness is very much going to begin.” You mumbled looking up at the twins.

“Are you aware your followers have increased a shit ton?” Grayson asked showing you his phone to reveal the massive change in followers. You choked before checking all your social media to see the new change.

“My life just changed again.” You sighed leaning back with each boy in your eye. Grayson had your attention more than Ethan though. There was something about him.

“You aren’t fans of the boys are you?” You questioned.

“They have some good material.” Grayson shrugged. He was trying to not offend you. You chuckled agreeing with them.

“To be honest I never really bought any of their music. It was weird listening to my brother singing about love, sex and heartbreak.”

“Does Liam know that?” Grayson questioned, “Wait no! I have a better question! Did you ever have a crush on the other four?”



“Not really to be honest. When I first saw them I thought they were cute but nothing beyond that.” You shrugged, “They’re my big brothers and even if they aren’t together as much as before they’ll always be close.”

“Do you know any other celebrities?”



“No.” You shrugged, “I kept out of the limelight. The only other person that knew about me was Simon. He agreed to keep me away from it all. He’s a cool guy, pretty much like an uncle.”


“That’s really cool.” Ethan acknowledge digging into the food on his plate, “Do they know Nicki Minaj?”

“I don’t know.” You shrugged earning a disappointed sigh from him. You were amused he had a celebrity crush on her, “Who knows Ethan maybe when your legal she’ll date you.”

“She’s seventeen years older than me. There’s no way that would happen.” Ethan denied. You raised on eyebrow up before pushing your phone across the table.

“That’s my nephew Bear. His parents, my brother and Cheryl have a ten year age difference, and they love each other to bits.” You smugly said as they looked at the image, “I miss him.”

“Did Liam move back to England?”


“Yeah. He moved to Sussex to live with Cheryl and Bear. He comes to LA a lot for his job but I don’t see him often.”

Overtime you kept in contact with the twins enough you hung out as much as possible with them even staying in your New York house when they were there. Liam and you co-owned the home and since it was the first place you lived together you couldn’t get rid of it. You rented it out sometimes but not often.

As time went on you did develop a relationship with Grayson that you both decided to keep out of the public. Not even your brother knew yet but when the year and a half came along you decided to do something crazy. You moved into a nicely sized house with Grayson that included a guest house in the backyard where Ethan moved into.

“I don’t know about this.” Grayson mumbled nervously as the car pulled down to a large house.

“We spent Christmas Eve with your parents. It’s time we spent Christmas Day with my family.” You chuckled, “Are you terrified?”



“Absolutely one hundred percent about to shit my pants scared.” Grayson quickly agreed, “I’m meeting your parents who don’t know about me!”

“They know you idiot.” You snorted shaking your head as your driver, Liam’s request, placed your bags on the sidewalk, “And Liam.”

“What?”



“Liam’s here. He’s the only that doesn’t know you.” You stated as you walked up to the door. It was decorated with the wreath you made in primary school.

The door was flung open revealing your older brother with a large grin on his place before you picked you up and hugged you tight. You relaxed into your brothers arms relishing in the same cologne he had used since the beginning of his career.

“I missed you.” Liam sighed leaning back with a laugh. His laugh ceased when he looked at the boy standing in the entryway, “Who is this?”



“This is Grayson. My boyfriend.” You admitted as Liam ushered you both in to the family room. You made a beeline for Cheryl holding Bear, “Look at my little nephew! You’re so cute.”

“Hey.” Cheryl grinned hugging you, “Good to know you don’t have an American accent.”

“Where’s Grayson?” Your mom mom Karen asked stealing Bear from you. Right at the end Grayson awkwardly shuffled into the room with a whole bunch of anxiety shooting through his veins.

“Is this the boy?” Cheryl whispered to Ruth with a grin. Ruth nodded back while Liam glared at the poor boy.

“We should play a game of football.” Dad suggested getting up from the chair, “Grayson would you like to join?”



“Uh sure.”

“It’s the equivalent to soccer in your country.” You whispered to Grayson with a wink before he got more courage to head out.

“I’ll be right out.” Liam called to the retreating forms of your father, Grayson and Ruth’s husband Thomas, “Y/N, how long have you been dating Grayson?”



“A year and a half. We moved in together.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Liam inquired crouching in front of you in the chair, “I’m just a little upset I didn’t know.”



“You’ve been so stressed about your solo career and the time away from Bear that I thought it would be best not to say something until I knew it would last.” You admitted playing with your hands. Liam grabbed them squeezing them.

“He obviously makes you very happy.” Liam whispered, “Just know that nothing is more important than my family. You can always come to me about things. If you love him then I’ll get to know him.”



“I love you Liam.”

“Love you too dork.” Liam chuckled standing up to head out the door, “Just know that I’ll gladly spend time in jail if he hurts you.”

Over time the other One Direction members, including Zayn, found out about the relationship when it hit the news. They didn’t have time to meet him in person before the invitations were sent out and media blew up when all five men were spotted at the event.

You were chatting with your childhood best friend when you felt a tap on your shoulder. You turned to see Niall grinning at you.

“Congratulations Anamchara on your marriage.” Niall grinned as people mingled around the room. You grinned hearing the familiar nickname Niall had called you since you first hung out, “Where’s your husband?”



“Over there.” You chuckled pointing to Grayson conversing with Ethan.

“Er…which one?” Niall asked confused.

“The one on the left is Grayson.” Liam said stepping into the conversation, “Nice lad. Are you still upset with me for buying you that house?”



“Yes!” You exclaimed at your brother, “Why do I need a house in England?!”



“Grayson and you can use it when you visit and it’s big enough that if his family wants to come to England they have a place to stay.”

“We got married in England, isn’t that enough for you?” You whined halfheartedly as Cheryl stepped over with Bear stumbling over his feet.

“Hey Babe.” Grayson mumbled hugging you from behind, “Ethan’s demanding a dance from you in his own extra way.”

“Of course he is.” You chuckled as Ethan drew closer with a grin.

“Anamchara best not keep him waiting.” Niall chuckled as Ethan dragged you onto the dance floor for not even a minute before Harry cut in.

“Hey Gary, mind if I cut in?” Harry asked already gripping your hand.

“I’m Ethan!” Ethan groaned throwing his head back, “And my brother’s name is Grayson.”

“Sorry.” Harry lightly blushed, “I’m not good with names.”

Ethan mumbled something as he wandered off to join his parents and your parents talking to each other.

“Who knew it would be my wedding that brought the band together at the same time?” You joked.

“Zayn isn’t here.” Harry chuckled swaying to the music.

“He is.” You smiled as the former One Direction member walked in to the room with his sunglasses on and a sharp all black suit. He made a beeline to you with little heavy breathing.

“Shit. I’m sorry I’m late.” Zayn huffed leaning forward, “The fucking plane was delayed in Los Angeles then I couldn’t off so by the time I was here you were already on your way to the reception.”

“It’s okay.”



“Where’s the crazy guy?” Zayn joked shoving his glasses into his pocket. His eyes landed on Grayson’s approaching form.

“Crazy?” You asked confused.

“He’s crazy for marrying you.” Zayn teased before stepping towards Grayson, “Zayn Malik, honorary brother.”



“Grayson Dolan, husband.” Gray laughed slipping his arm around you waist as he got close with the people he hadn’t met before in the three years you had been dating.

There was alcohol at your wedding even if you were in England you made it clear that every young looking person be carded. Grayson was adamant that if anyone from the US was there that if they weren’t twenty one they weren’t allowed alcohol. You agreed with little resistance to your husband when he brought it up.

You were happy now especially with everyone you loved at your wedding. You knew shit would hit the fan when it was released you got married to Grayson. Your fans didn’t know when the wedding was going to take place because it was private and it would hit further when it got out that Zayn wasn’t there for the ceremony.

“Guess you have to change your social media usernames again.” Liam smiled standing next to you and Grayson.

“All I seem to do is change my surname.” You joked leaning against Grayson.

Fame sucked but without it you wouldn’t have four protective honorary brothers or a husband you loved an incredible amount.

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