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The 13th century Swedish peasant boy who's crashing on my couch keeps eating my leftover General Tso's. I always tell him he can order his own but he's all "oh no, just wonton soup is fine with me, it reminds me of winters at home by the fire" but when I open the fridge the next day, what do I see? Not my leftovers! I don't even think they had wontons in medieval Sweden.

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immediately showering and furiously washing the blood off my hands after stabbing someone, not because i feel any guilt or remorse for what i did but because i have sensory issues

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I would still use my turn signals in the Mad Max Wasteland. They'd call me "Signal" because I'd hit my blinker before ramming the enemy hot rods into the side of a desert ravine. I'd use my turn signal every time. They would respect me for this.

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why are you microwaving carbonated drinks that feels wrong.

IDK, most people hate it, but I'm also the person that purposely lets coke go flat because I like it better flat so me and carbonated drinks have a weird relationship.

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snort...

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that's probably my favourite joke in this so far

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The Green Knight

(Reblog for a larger sample size. You know the drill.)

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Putting a bloody lace handkerchief in my back pocket to indicate that I'm into Victorian tuberculosis roleplay.

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I find the fact that the closest mountain point on earth to the moon, the highest mountain and the tallest mountain are 3 different mountains to be a tiny bit disturbing

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little drummer boy: OI MISTAH I AIN'T GOT NO GIFT FOR THE BABY KING

mary, recovering from birth in a fucken stable: don't sweat it kid you're like ten or something

little drummer boy: I CAN PLAY ME DRUM FOR HIM, I CAN

mary: no, no, that's really not necessar--

little drummer boy: BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG

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I thought y'all would like to see some of the worst AI generated "Hannukah" products on Temu that I could find.

I like it. Shout out to that one monstera leaf, all alone in that vase. 5/10 hold it together for the hannam season monstera.

"There are not enough candles on the hannukah menorah" the Jews complain. That's OK, have....13! That's probably about right! 9/10 would have rated it less but then I read you can also use it for weddings AND birthdays, so special.

Shana tova! Oh, no, sorry. Rosh Hashana! Oh, no, not that either... uh, happy 60th anniversary? Congrats on your....blue apples. 10/10 extremely confusing and hurtful to the brain.

This is the best one. The way there is a Christmas tree, no hannukaniah, but MAYBE a basket full of Torah fondant scrolls and some gold coins? No notes. Chag sameach specluc! 11/10 specluc.

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pro lifer blocked me on twitter for asking this but if embryos have souls, and then they're aborted, exactly how sapient are they in the afterlife? Are they forever doomed to float around with no thoughts in their heads? Is it like just animal intelligence like a little happy goldfish? Do they still have an embryonic form? I've always seen an assumption that child souls are still in child form so I guess so. Do the other people in the afterlife keep abortions as little pets? Will they stay in a fishbowl or are they too stupid + intangible and float right out again?

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NEVER let men be masculine. hold the line soldiers

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Hi real quick does anyone have the cat gif that goes like this