#poetryreblogs

[devinetheory-2]

In this place

I can close my eyes 

and still see her face...

In a daze as I attempt 

to conceal this pain.

Because honestly nobody

Deserves to feel this way.

 I tried to love all of her still 

and it was still in vain

Don't want to let go

But you probably already know

That It's so hard 

to heal this way.

And I hate how I can feel it all

And how they'll swear 

That they're here....

...and I can see them and hear them

But they're not real at all.

Now Im a mess tho

Because I refused to let go

Whispers echo

Down smoke & mirrored halls...

But I can still feel them

Cupid shot an arrow

And it killed him

Nothing left of the well

I pull tears from

There can be no love 

When fears involved...

How bitter sweet 

The nostalgia is appealing

But All of these memories

lead me to loss...

Dumbed down and numb now

And I can feel it all

In this dark place

My memory holds the heartbreak

In glass jars

Runnin from my past hard

Prevents any attempt 

For me to heal at all....

Savage lack of compassion

And a tragic falls...

Wouldn't break the habit

She had to have it all....

Couldn't bring the passion back

So now the magics gone

And its the saddest song...

Stuck in the past

attempted to drag

all her past wrongs

From past wars

and never took her mask off...

and I've got the worst luck with love

They're all in love with the feeling

So I feel like I've already lost...

I should know best

Nothing is real

And you can't steal 

what has a cost....

In order to grow

I had to fall...

You never knew the me

That had it all

You and me

could have had it all...

- Devine Theory

[vlovelovette]

Did you know? Subscribing to The Lovette Journals, an informal digital commonplace journal centering the musings of life, art, experience and culture of a 20 something transsexual will earn you a black lipstick stamp right on that forehead?

Best Candidates: Transmascs, Queers, F@gs, sexual & political conversation havers, poets who get panic attacks daily, artists who are blood-pressure-concerning angry…. The works.

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[wordbinge]

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Poetryreblogs

[inkandpins]

I Always Lose the Tape

or the tongue– that tiny lip sticks shut every time I need it.

Outside, I see you throwing a football, there and back, there and back, and I wonder if the game will ever end. If I turn away to focus on this damned tape, will the ball touch the ground? Will I miss it?

Somewhere someone is deciding how to say goodbye to me. Whether they’ll hug me with both arms or just stand with that non-committal see-you-soon. Someone’s dropped the ball without me looking. Someone will stop by and lean back in my chair, asking you about your day. Someone’s always finishing their cup of tea before it’s been left too long to cool. 

It’s hard to pack for the rest of your life. A lot can go wrong if you’re left too long to think, if you’ve slept through the days, dream-finger- tips searching for that tiny lip, the okay to peel away.

I entomb my precious objects in layers sealed with the promise that they won’t splinter in the disruption– I would feel so sinful to unwrap shards. but the trees go on waving their twisted shuffling hands.

N.Y. A quiet patch of grass amongst the chaos, 10.12.22

[sparkandashes]

I wonder if you could easily forget me or is it that I was never the one in your memory?

@sparkandashes via tumblr

[eternalscarsworld]

" There will be less problems in our life if we start to understand other's .....

-Nightingale

[espressoandsnow]

Let’s get spoopy 👻

Beware, dead end.

It’s All Hallow’s Eve and all hell has broke loose. There’s a lump in my throat and a neck in my noose.

The lone-star shines sharp through the mist. An owl hoot-howls as I firm-form a fist.

The wind whispers spooky-sweet nothings through holey hedge-rows.

The low rumbling of a train comes, and comes,      and comes             and goes.

The church-bell chimes,                  eleven times.

- God knows I hope to see the witching hour,   but I’ve seen a ghost tonight and this path I walk leads nowhere.

[devinetheory-2]

I'm sorry I'm not sorry

I couldn't just be

Their stress-free

deprivation box.

Shameless thoughts

I've faded off

Because my chaos threatens

to break their safety locks.

And I'm taking off

Ignoring the fake

Aim take the safety off

And I haven't found an answer

To the pain yet

Exhausted

Writing rain checks

To the process

of my brain health

Try to get Enlightenment

Life is just

an insane train wreck

And I don't know how

to fight the shit

So I sit back

with a 6 pack

And use the fire inside

That keeps me alive

To light my spliff

Which chain reacts

to ignite my gift

Wondering how much longer

I can live life like this

And I can't help but wanna be more

But I am armed c4

On the ledge

on the 17th floor

Looking down at her ghost

Is it me or does it seem

That she needs more

Worrying about me

Has never been

About me before

Lost within her dream

Somehow took a detour

I am not peace...or

Release or

The power of belief

But I tried to believe

I could be yours.

The forth horse cometh

I can see more

They want to feed me war

180 degrees

I am diseased

To thee core

I am not a king

And you're right

I couldn't agree more

I have my point of view

and I've seen yours

honestly I'm probably

in a little bit of danger

considering my level of anger

And the fact that

I don't even want to be

A - ny - more

I try to be grateful

for my days because

I don't have many more

As shes on stage strumming

my pain with her fingers

As she sings her sirens song

I bring her the detonator

Depression threatening

to arrest me later

Then she calls

And seconds later

it's like she's my respirator

I can feel her angels breath

Head on my chest

The after position

that I love the best

But only when I'm

on my best behavior

The Way she moves

provokes my protective nature

Get aggressive

and you'll be a memory

just seconds later

With no evidence

for the investigator

And no one on earth

Will get to save ya

Then I awaken from the dream

Floating impossibly

The cost is cheap

These thoughts are deep

Come get lost in me

And there are different variations

behind each door

you are a star

and I am of the Earth

and the Moon seems

too high a dream

for me to reach for

But we have pain

and I feel like I love in vain

if I don't bleed yours

I'm not insane

I just bleed more

I feel everything

Intensely

Can't keep up with the beat

Im tired

But too wired to sleep

Defeat

- DT

[devinetheory-2]

My life is a bad movie

I walk a thin line on an incline

As I attempt to not let

my sadness consume me...

Bad little Doobie bob

Always after the loot

And even tho she's gone

Her words still move me....

Missing those days

when she would pursue me

And no I'm not the only one

I knew it

But still, I let her lie to me....

Blowing up jaw locked listening

to Friction and spice groove me

Still the only one I let get away

Feeling like Im ready to die

And this is the day

I miss the way

My fingertips would

Get to trace

Lines down her skin

and sparks would arc

And the light

Would hit her face

God damn I miss your mystic ways

Witchy woman intrigued

By the pain I carry

Because she read me from afar

And I made her crystal break

Lines down my glass I can't get too straight

Everything's broken now

and I cant fix it

Wishin this life

wasnt just a lie i been livin

Peace, a gift you can't give away

Scars on my heart

Match the lines down my wrist today

From missed attempts

But she loves me and I'm convinced of it

....

Devine Theory

[devinetheory-2]

The writing below is from a dear friend

I was victimized by

her riteous heaven dipped

feared respected and revered pen.

Her wand is dark magic

Heavily guarded

tragic semi automatic

emphatic charismatic distraction

She keeps coming back like elastic

I can't help but feel that

the attraction

Between our souls

and our hearts is like magnets.

All you needed was one pen

And I was caught in your dragnet

An addict that won't break the habit

I cant help it

As passion had a chemical reaction

With tragedy

and gave birth to bat shit...

And I loved with everything I had

Back then....

Thank you for being you

Unapologetically savage

And tragicly empathic

Intergalactic rabbit

And I think I'm not afraid

As I am intoxicated by her magic...

And collapse in orgasmic

fantastic compassion

Animalistic

Tender madness

I'll eat you alive

In cannibalistic fashion...

But it always ends

in poetic madness.

As all things do

That are dangerous,

fast and attractive

As I fall into her dream

Wondering what it all means

I fade into the blackness...

- Devine Theory 👆 😁

rayven-interrupted 👇

Nov 10, 2023

He writes me, so indicatively

Perfectly capturing all my tragedies

His pen is the beauty of my insanity

🖤

................................................................................................

She's watched me

descend from calamity

I can't pretend

Im not treading water anymore

Lust, lack of trust

Thick like sand

I've lost the entire world

When it was just in my hands....

I will not survive my own gravity...

And it always comes back to me

I pay for the weight of my mistakes

With these tragedies...

The hitman...

And every bullet fired is actually

Iron blasphemy

Sent from the mouth of God

With unforgiving accuracy

Ceasar watching the ones I loved

With everything in this now

Empty cavity take their justified

Stab at me

Its my own fault

As I dozed off

I chose wrong

And now my soul owes cost

my spirit begins to atrophy...

Standing at the gates of heaven

Hoping they'll have me

And God isn't mad at me

Because somewhere along

this dark and lonely road

Where you have been traveling

With your back to me

I was kinda getting used

to being someone you loved

But changed your act

And threw a toaster

in the bath with me....

(Shocking....)

And within this insantiy

we've lost our humanity

As the demons birthed

of my darkness pull at me

Grabbing me dragging me

Armed with matches and

Cans of gasoline

She tells me that she loves me

Narcissistic vanity

I try to escape its inevitable grasp

But death just rolls her eyes

And laughs at me...

While I'm chased into never

forever by my past

this fight is so old

Her essence now is so cold

And there is no limit to its savagry...

See, I've never felt like I've belonged

To this world of fake magic dreams

Where the REAL ones will die

Leaving holes inside

And their flesh just rots

for the maggots to eat.

And yeah.... She lied,

miserable little harlot star

She'd burn me down

Leaving nothing but scarlet scars

Now ive lost myself again

in this starlit dark

until I would feel like

the wrong one died

Tearing my heart apart

Just saying that

Made trauma that I cant repress

Now I beg for death

Nothing but salty tears

And anguish left

The danger is in the anger

Because I can't release

I might bury my grief

Deep into some strangers chest.

Dont look into my soul

Thats where my flames are kept

Fueled by her games

until my brain resets

Stained by the charred remains

Of regrets and her angry threats

I write about it

And pretend

some of the pain just left...

Don't judge me

This world has made me insane

my Guardian Angels have to be drained

And insanely stressed

Thinking

I should maybe rest

But I keep up the fight

Like my line

cant be pressed

But today

i just remain depressed

A prisoner....

Chained to my regret.

Dont judge me...

I played my best

- Devine Theory

[sparkandashes]

Lovely collab with the amazing @fragments-of-my-mind :)

Loving You

I wish it was as easy as it seems,

Because dear, how do I give myself the love I deserve,

When I do not find myself deserving enough,

All I know is, I’m worthless.

It is never easy my dear,

Because the love you need is only the love you can provide,

For no one else can be worthy enough of your love,

Other than yourself, first and foremost.

My heart has no love left for myself,

I feel as if I’m already too empty to give myself anything now, for all the love I had,

Or I still have,

none of it is for me.

How can a heart love another when it doesn’t love the self,

Look a little deeper, look a little harder,

There is still love within you my dear,

Immense love, which resides for you and you alone.

When I peep into my heart,

All I find is a river of love that flows just for him,

Maybe all the love I had for myself started belonging to someone long before I could impart some of it to me.

Your heart is so much more than meets the eye,

With its hidden corridors and chambers, let’s go and find the love that you need,

For the love you had for him might still exist, but it can not over power the love,

The love that still exists within you, for you.

But I don’t feel like loving myself,

I’m fine being unloved and unwanted,

Because now I’ve agreed that I’m useless and worthless, no longer to anyone, anything I do mean.

You may not feel like loving a beautiful self that’s yours,

But it’s an obligation upon me to find the love that has always existed within you,

Not for me, but for yourself, for you’re worth so much more than you think,

In finding the love for yourself, have I fallen in love with you.

Maybe people here,

who exist in my life,

They’ve made it all the more difficult for me to give myself the love I deserve,

For no longer I seem beautiful to my own eyes.

Perhaps they have taken away the love from within you,

That they really shouldn’t have,

To make you lose your beauty, but that’s why I am here,

To rekindle the love within you, for you alone.

- Ashes and Fragments

A beautiful collab with the wonderful @sparkandashes =’)

[inkandpins]

Mornings and Nights

I've learned to fill the in-between, the "meantime," I spend it serious, head buried with the busyness of someone running away from the dark, always chasing the sun around the oceans--- never to rest if I am to remain midday.

Do we run faster towards things we love or away from that which we fear? I'm not sure what I'm striving for, only the thought that I could lose everything pursues me, I have a few hours' headstart. I am running behind.

The light hours are shorter now, 7:30 it rises-- 4:30 it sets. In the blue shadows, I allow myself to smile, to cry. When the day starts I am always surprised at the previously unknown capacities of the heart. When it comes to you, there are no limitations.

It is just these mornings and nights I permit myself now. N.Y. At the close of the year, 12.21

[inkandpins]

Red-eye

I’ve misplaced the words to describe the ache in my chest. Like weak lungs, my breath racks me when I read your messages. Do you remember? “We’ll make it through this, I promise.”

The lights are off and I’m crying in my seat. It’s not your fault or mine. Which of us didn’t keep our promises?

The next day, I greet you with a closed-lipped smile, swallowing down the desperation. I can’t tell if hiding myself from you is in your favor or mine. Even distracted, I am so heartbroken. The empty sand goes on for miles and miles— I see you on the horizon. The brimming sky fills me with joy, I see you in the stars. I'm hurtling through the sky, a speck of debris gaining speed and heat, emanating bright light. What lovers are looking up at me feeling blessed? Do you know we call meteors "falling stars" and that they can assume different colors?

Before they hit the ground, they burn. I hate making decisions about us without you. What decisions are you making without me?

I write you consistently. I count the hours. I lack the words.

N.Y. Flight back to New York, Thanksgiving

[inkandpins]

how can a city be ours? A place with almost 8.5 million residents-- people that really live there, travel back and forth from work each day, spend hard-earned money on number-bloated rent, who sit in the parks, have a cafe or bar or restaurant that's considered their "spot..."

And yet, after a handful of days spent in your sunlight-- because it was brought with you to that city, packed in an overflowing suitcase you precariously left in front of the door-- the one I tripped over, stubbing my toe-- after a handful of days exploring the streets together, that time you showed me around like a native and shared your daydreams with me so that they'd invade my head and become mine--

After I was here and you were there for so long... and you became one of the residents-- the ones who truly belong. When I returned, I couldn't find the corner store you showed me. Perhaps it closed because of covid-- perhaps it closed because we stopped going. It was no longer our "spot" and the store recoiled from our traitorous behavior.

So now that city is yours. When I return, I step gingerly through the cars and the streets in anticipation-- in apprehension of being caught trespassing in a place I do not belong, and never have.

N.Y.

New york city, 7. 2021

[inkandpins]

different people

all my dreams are patchworks of different people-- his eyes, your cheek

strange hands grasp my slender ankle lifting me into the air. my head spins

and I stare at the spot in the corner of my room, where you always sat watching me 

twirling with my arms above my head to the music. I focus on that space,

my eyes fall on it again  and again.

[sparkandashes]

Make someone happy, make them a part of you, make yourself a part of them and then suddenly leave them, leave them to breathe while all they feel is dead, absolute dead from within, for the voids people like you leave would never ever fill. And people like us are cursed perhaps to be used by everyone who don't care much about the ones who mean nothing to them, anymore. No free time now, so no communication. Great!

@sparkandashes via tumblr