#poemsillneversend

[poemsillneversend]

One morning, I disappear just so you miss me but you sleep in and don’t notice I’m missing. I cut through cracked asphalt and take dead end sidewalks to nowhere.

I don’t feel welcome in our own home but I bring the spare key because I know you’d lock me out by habit even if I asked.

When I walk up our old street alone, there’s a strange man stumbling near me and I miss the safety of your hand when you’d pull me away from danger, or maybe it was just traffic.

But I know I’ve got to choose to be safe or free.

I walk through busy parking lots just to pray to dead gods for a witness. I’d go to the cafe and sit but I left my wallet in my car that you drove to work. I’d wait at the bus stop but the bench looked sticky.

I beeline to the gym since I can get in for free. I drank too much while I wondered around aimlessly anyways.

While I’m working out my years of anger and knots in my shoulder, I think about self defense class sign up sheets. My limbs grow tired and when I feel the machine creak in my bones, I know it’s time to leave.

So I take the scenic route around the block with shaky legs but then I get anxious and I cut behind the 7/11 parking lot with slow steps up the hill.

It starts to sprinkle so I saunter back home and the driveway is slick. I slide past the wildflowers in the neighbors yard. You’d call them weeds by the garbage.

I see your broke down truck and my car are still parked out front and I know you’re still home because there’s no other way you could go.

I walk in the door that I left unlocked and you’re still in bed with her. You’re hours late for work now

How many alarm clocks do you need?

I hide on the back porch and hope I don’t have to talk to you, but you find me anyway just to scrutinize my logic and you’re just upset I didn’t wake you up today.

I can’t believe how easy I give in to your hypocrisy. You say “what were you thinking?” But you’ve been the inconsiderate one for years.

I’ve long cooled down but writing this in the morning chill sounds better than saying good morning to your girlfriend.

But the wind kicks up as my battery nears death and I’ve got goosebumps and a need for distraction. And then you text me you’re proud of me but I don’t know what for.

You say later you don’t blame me but the damage is already done. I’m almost impressed when all in the same breath you compliment my body and refuse to even know my mind.

You say I’ve inspired you but it feels like you’re trying to compete and I’m too tired for racing anymore because I only ever win when you feel like letting me.

I find the charger at my last percent and I toss and turn until I cry to sleep.

[starspeckedsys]

here’s our snack plate of mutuals

@cocoathekoala: Spicy candy

@liquidpaperfoundation: Multi-flavored hummus

@ink-correctdanganquotes: Assorted cheeses

@boo-bookeys: Two different flavors of chips

@poemsillneversend: Berries

@bennyyrabbit: Gummies

[rickie-the-storyteller]

And even more people:

@arcadecarpetgay, @olivescales3, @isabellebissonrouthier, @stellarosamarys, @srjacksin, @purplehandshumanfeelings, @fire-but-ashes-too, @writingwithfolklore, @averyauthorship, @aziz-reads, @svnflowermoon, @jessicagailwrites, @mister-writes, @poemsillneversend, @theeccentricraven,

@snooeycatwrites, @yathermscientific, @amateur-air-guitarist, @amostdelectablescribbler, @mihsanart, @blue-moon-poet,

2023 is coming to an end so this is my annual I love my online friends so fucking much you wouldn't believe me if I told you post.

[poemsillneversend]

I just might leave

What do you do when your worst fears come true? When I can’t even be blue because it reminds me of you?

I repaint myself each of your new favorite colors and you barely remember mine of all time.

I ask you for help and you gave me a caffeine addiction. If I don’t sit still I won’t think about how tired I am.

Will you ever let me just rest? Or do I have to leave?

I might just leave.

You toss and turn while I’m motion sick until you doze off into some somber slumber

And when I wake in the night full of pain and panic, pulling my punches so you won’t wake to my manic

And you even said you wished I had someone else to share my favorite things with

And I start to get how it must of felt in “tolerate it” by Taylor Swift

And I don’t believe it when you say you’ll be just fine without me

I gave you everything you ever needed and you always wanted more. You loved my presents at first then grew bored of them in weeks.

Are you always on your phone because you’re bored of me?

How long would it take you to care if I just leave?

I might just leave.

I fixed your stupid truck and I’m always a good fuck

But you never wanna make love to me

You bought a king size bed so you wouldn’t have to touch me anymore and now when I come to bed you’re still asleep right in the middle and I try not to touch you at all

You blame my lack of touch but never noticed how hard I tried. Only I know why I tense up under your greedy hand.

You call me selfish and act surprised when I cried.

Is it any wonder that I just might leave?

I just might leave

And I’m always there on your lonely nights

And saving you the last bite

Are we holding on too tight?

Thought you were my white knight

Standing under your great height

We never really even fight

Conversation so polite

You say it feels so right

But you never hold me too tight

And you never read but I still write

I wish you’d be alright

I’m thinking I just might leave

I just might leave

I lent you lunch money and I lent you my credit card. I always covered your share of rent because I gave you my heart.

You took my money and you took my time, but you’d choose anything else over your future wife.

The bells have stopped ringing. Maybe the music just died. Or maybe our time stands still while you figure out your life.

When will you grow up? Are we out of time? Am I just not worthy to call you only mine?

Do you know how I feel? Can you read my mind? Could you see it when the light died just from looking at my eyes?

I’m running out of questions. We’re running out of time. I wonder if our family and friends will be surprised when I leave.

I might just leave.

[poemsillneversend]

Nevada

I remember the day I heard you were leaving and I remember that grandma was sad

I remember you promised to come home for Christmas

But then you left for Nevada and never came back.

And other than that I can’t fill in the gaps.

Maybe it was just a lifetime ago and I was just too young to know anything

Or maybe my mind tried so hard to forget everything about you.

But I still remember your eyes and hands and mouth. You were all bitter breath and snarky snicker and dirty fingernails.

You got caught in some suburb outside of Vegas in the spring of 2008

and you called my daddy and begged him for bail but after that we never spoke your name again.

So you’ll always be stuck out there in Nevada but 20 years later only my memories are coming back.

So when I looked you up now and I read the article about your crimes

At first I was confused because I didn’t recognize your mugshot doesn’t look much like my memory except for your beady eyes

And I’m not surprised none of those girls could bear to testify

After you left them so traumatized and fighting for their lives.

I know it’s not my fault you became a monster but I can’t help feeling like we somehow share the blame.

Maybe if I’d been able to speak about it then, maybe if the rest of our family actually listened to me, maybe you would’ve been put behind bars before you got the chance to hurt any one else. Maybe I could’ve saved all those girls in Nevada.

When I knew you I knew you as my family. Dutiful father and son and brother and uncle and grand-baby. And your daughter always said that when I got bigger she’d even teach me how to make music. But we never got the chance.

And I can’t always trust my own memories but I think it was you that used to tease me about my little boyfriends when I started preschool. And you’d remind me that I was so special.

My hand is so small compared to yours and your skins dry and calloused while mines still soft

You lead me down the hallway and I’m not sure why I’m so scared of stairwells.

I might have only been 5 but my vivid memories of that place still haunt me now

For so long I had pushed them down so hard I almost forgot you even existed

The rest of our family pretends you never did or maybe it’s just that they wish you were dead.

I certainly hope you rot somewhere forever.

According to google, a life sentence isn’t always a promise

So I guess to be safe I’ll stay away from Nevada