#poasting for the sake of poasting

[compacflt]

Watched Marriage Story today, for the very first time, and had a lotta thoughts about EDTS Ice and Mav, especially their divorce-era. Wondered whether they would’ve genuinely gotten a divorce, if they’d somehow been married at that point. Charlie kinda reminded me of Ice: the benign belief in his own intellectual superiority, the self-pity, the willful blindness towards the reality of his relationship, the selfishness—not in the sense that Ice wasn’t kind or warm or loving, but in the sense that he really needed things to go his way (for them to not talk about anything). Of course Mav was no Nicole, he definitely shared his half of the blame, but I could totally imagine the two of ‘em having a huge fight that devolved into: “I can’t believe I have to know you … forever!” ‘Cause they kinda did: being in the Navy, moving around in the same circles, sharing an estranged kid they were both hoping to make-up with…

ok so part one of this ask not having seen marriage story: yeah i am 100% sure if they’d codified their relationship in words they would’ve broken up. like forever. letting all that anger simmer instead of boiling over is sometimes a blessing in disguise—if you say you’re together, you’re together. if you say you’re over, you’re over. no take-backsies on something like that. whereas if you don’t talk about any of it, the boundaries are a lot less definite. a blessing in disguise. i did (for mental torture purposes, and also for a prompt fill i [sorry to whomever sent it in] didnt hate myself enough to write) brainstorm that Bad Ending—if, say, Mav HAD been reckless and decisive and told ice “get the fuck out of my house obviously this isn’t gonna work you betrayed my trust & bailed on me at the second lowest moment of my life & conspired with a dying woman who is in love with you to ruin our son’s life in the exact same way MY life was once ruined and you blame me for turning you gay but you were already gay to begin with and You Fucking Killed My Best Friend And We Never Talk About It so fuck you we’re done” and went no-contact and threw ices shit out into the street and never went back to the hangar and changed all the locks and his phone number etc. and… say ice is like decimated for a few years straight, like numbingly and crushingly depressed, & then he meets not-his-sister-sarah and tells her the truth (that now he can realize with the benefit of hindsight & grief & loss—funny how loss always makes everything real clear all of a sudden): that he was in a long term relationship with a man with whom he was raising a child & with whom he was probably in love, and she marries him anyway, and obviously she’s not maverick and she doesn’t make him as happy as he did and she knows that but at least she stops him from being actively su*cidal and at least they can be open about their relationship in public and maybe they have a kid or two, and maybe he completely shifts his strategy and relocates to Virginia and moves his AOR to the atlantic instead of the pacific so he can get as far away from San Diego and maverick and home as possible, and maybe it works, and maybe there are some days he doesn’t even think about maverick or Bradley or goose, and when people mention the 1990s he grimaces and tries to forget, and he’s not ashamed of it so much as he is hurt by the memory of his own carelessness, and maybe he cries often and very very quietly, and maybe he gets his life back on track and before he knows it he has four stars on the opposite coast from the one he’d originally planned, and of course he’s not happy, but he’s never happy, so whatever.

Until. some event he can’t get out of. A mutual friend’s change of command ceremony or retirement ceremony or funeral. first thing he sees (like always) is captain Mitchell shining in his dress blues (like always). they avoid each other all evening, why bother trying? until someone forces them together, “weren’t you two at TOPGUN together? didn’t you guys kill all those soviets together?” and on and on, yes, we were, this is very very uncomfortable, until eventually they’re alone, and maverick asks, “can i buy you a drink sir?” but he’s staring at ice’s left hand and staring and staring, and it’s been over a decade but still ice doesn’t know how to say no to him, so they leave this joint and get a drink somewhere else, and maverick says, “how long have you been married,” and ice says, “eight years next march,” and you can see maverick doing the math in his head 2016-8=2008 okay, “what’s her name,” “sarah,” maverick laughs but feels bad for laughing, ice says, “we have a couple kids,” maverick stops laughing. “shit,” maverick says. ice says, “it was very difficult for me for a very long time;” maverick says, “what did you tell her;” ice says, “the truth;” maverick waits a second to respond and then says, “and what was the truth?” ice tells him the truth which is “well that i was in a long-term relationship with another man and we were raising a kid together and most likely we were in love with each other but it didn’t work out.” maverick takes a long time to respond to that and is blinking a lot and if you put your ear to his chest you’d hear that he is struggling to breathe. he says “and she married you anyway.” “she did.” he says “and You married Her anyway.” “i did.” Ice pauses then says “it was very difficult for me for a very long time.” he pauses some more and drinks and watches disinterestedly as maverick blinks and blinks. then ice says “so uh are you…?” maverick says “ive had a couple… a couple flings… nothing. nothing like.” and ice understands. maverick says, “why didn’t you tell me?” “tell you what?” “that you. that you and i were. that you felt that way about me.” ice says, “i did. i tried. i left you voicemails & sent you postcards & tried for half a decade to get in touch with the kid. did you not get my—did you not get my voicemails or my letters?” maverick blinks and blinks and says “i did get them but i didn’t open them;” ice says “well that’s that then.” and drinks. maverick says “how long after me did you meet her;” ice says “a couple years, i was deployed for O.I.F.” maverick says, “yeah, me too.” and he almost starts crying. he says “ice I’m sorry but you’re telling me ive completely wasted the last decade of my life and i don’t know what to do. do you love her? does she make you happy?” ice says “yes” and “yes.” maverick says “does she make you as happy as you were with me?” ice doesn’t care enough anymore to be dishonest and says “no. Of course not. but she made life easier when it was very difficult for me for a very long time.” maverick says, “run away with me. fuck it. let’s try again. let’s start over. no one else understands. come on. you and me. we always come back to each other. let’s try again.” and it is very very tempting. One of those watershed moments when life goes crystal clear and you can see through it. but only for a moment. ice is so tired and too old for that kind of adventure anymore. he says, i have kids, and i have a wife, and i have the navy and my four stars to think of, and i— he can be honest about this: “i want to. you know i do.” he pauses. doesn’t think he wants maverick to touch him. that can’t possibly end well and historically has not ended well. flinches away when maverick reaches out. he says “but i can’t.” maverick says, “i miss you more than anything. i want—even still!—i—please…I can’t…” another pause. ice says, “Let me get the bill, Mav.” so ice pays mavericks tab and they go their separate ways.

and maverick goes out to the desert to fly the sr-72 darkstar and pushes it beyond its limits on purpose and he doesn’t intend to survive but it’s his stupid too-good instincts that have him popping the cockpit escape pod ejection handle, and he lives by accident, like always, and destroys several billion taxpayer dollars in an instant, and without admiral Kazansky on his six backing him up admiral Cain has everything he needs to dishonorably discharge captain mitchell from the navy, so after 33 years of service to his country and 3 air to air kills maverick is unceremoniously dishonorably discharged and they kick him out without a second thought, and the Dagger special mission command goes to someone else and Bradley gets team leader and probably fails and probably dies, and atlantic fleet commander Tom Kazansky is offered the promotion to chief of naval operations and takes it, and doesn’t live long enough to meet his grandchildren, and that’s about all i have to say about that.

Now im going to go watch marriage story to answer this ask educatedly so hold on.

ok coming back the next day post marriage story and yeah you’re right i think it would look like that

[kradeelav]

i imagine hospital chairs are infinitely uncomfortable to sleep in no matter the world

[forever-a-lake-effect-kid]

do you guys ever just wake up with a scene fully formed in your head and then have to scramble to write it down immediately before it vanishes? well you'll never guess what happened to me this morning. merry early hanukkah to me i guess

this is inspired by the book i've been reading on puritans and their effect on new england culture. eventually it's gonna get into other early english settlers and their cultures and then i'll go insane about that probably but for now i've been thinking a lot about the Implications of this for very early days mass and maine and well. this is the result. particularly i think i was influenced by this quote

"New Englanders gave thanks to their Calvinist God for cold baked beans and stale brown bread, while lobsters abounded in the waters of Massachusetts Bay and succulent gamebirds orbited slowly overhead."

late 1690s, massachusetts bay.

Maine sits by the water and waits. They have a little fire going on the rocky shore next to them, a bucket they borrowed and filled with ocean water hung over it, and now all they have to do is sit and wait.

"MAINE!"

Maine inhales the smell of boiling lobster and sighs. Just a couple more minutes. The lobster he pulled out of the shallows was a little small, but that's okay. So is he. Lobsters don't usually live this shallow, and they definitely usually pinch if you just pick them up, but he's Maine, after all. The bay provides for him. He thanked the lobster, put it in the pot, and now all he needs to do is wait a couple more minutes and then he can finally have some decent food.

"Maine, I don't know what it is you think you're doing, but you need to stop it right now—"

Maine glances up at Massachusetts. "'m making lobster."

"You will not— get that thing out of —" Massachusetts stops short in front of Maine, scowling intensely. "What— why—"

Maine looks back and forth between their guardian and the lobster. On the one hand, they're really hungry, and this was supposed to be their lobster. On the other hand, maybe if Massachusetts tries some of it, he'll see how good it is and won't get mad at them.

"…You can have some if you want," they finally say, with distinct reluctance.

Massachusetts shudders. "Absolutely not."

"Suit yourself," Maine says with a shrug. The lobster is nice and red— just about done. He glances around for something to take it out of the pot with, sees nothing, and tips the pot over instead.

Massachusetts goes to snatch the steaming lobster away and recoils immediately, clutching their hand. Maine tries not to laugh.

"Insolent, little…" Massachusetts mutters several other insulting things under their breath and dips their burnt hand in the ocean to cool it off. "I don't understand. Why are you always doing this?"

"Making lobster?" Maine says innocently.

"No, and you know that's not what I meant," Massachusetts says. "I mean– running off. Disobeying me. Last week it was oysters, the week before some kind of berry that could have been poisonous for all you knew, now this?"

"'M hungry," Maine mutters.

"Are you not grateful for the food we have?"

"Yes," Maine says hastily, knowing by now that if the word grateful comes up it means he'd better agree. "I mean, of course I'm grateful. But I really like lobster, and it's right here."

"Food is not meant to be enjoyed," Massachusetts says. "It is meant to be sustenance. Anything more is—"

"It's ready!" Maine says, sensing A Lecture coming on. He breaks off a claw—it's still a little hot, but it's fine—and waves it at Massachusetts. "Here."

They watch Massachusetts' expression waver, stuck between the denial he was just preaching and the hunger Maine knows he must be feeling for a good minute or so, before he finally gives in and takes the claw. Maine smiles.

"How do you, uh…" Massachusetts turns it over in his hand.

Maine rolls his eyes and demonstrates. For a good fifteen minutes, they're both quiet, absorbed in the joys of lobster (well, Maine's absorbed in the joys of lobster. He doesn't know what Massachusetts thinks, and doesn't really care.)

Once it's all gone, Maine sighs in both contentment and resignation and starts to stand up. They wobble slightly as the feeling comes back into their legs, and Massachusetts reaches out to steady them, and Maine instinctively takes the opportunity to kind of accidentally-on-purpose lean on him. Massachusetts doesn't even push them off immediately, which Maine takes as a good sign. Maybe the lobster did help.

"Please don't be too mad, Mass," Maine says, muffled from having their face hidden in Mass's shoulder. They know they're too big for this by now, (and even when they were very small, Mass never seemed to want to be close to them), but there is something undeniably comforting about it. And if they can't see Massachusetts's face, they can't see him being disappointed in them. "After all—" they're struck by a sudden burst of inspiration— "—you didn't tell me not to."

Maine doesn't need to see Mass to know they're frowning. "Maine, you know you're not supposed to run off without telling me where you're going."

That is true. Maine slumps.

"…That said, I will grant it does show remarkable self-sufficiency and ingenuity," Mass says. "Especially for one of your age."

"I'm not that young!" Maine says indignantly. "I'm, like…" They pause, trying to sort through their fuzzy memories. "…seventy or something!"

"That's still young by our standards," Mass says, but they sound more amused than scolding.

Maine huffs and puts their head back down on Mass's shoulder. The texture of wool is comforting against their face, and the effect of lobster after weeks of just eating bread and baked beans is making them unexpectedly sleepy, and they're warm and content and not being punished right now for once, and the only reason they don't fall asleep is because they want to savor this as long as they can.

"We do have to go back to Boston," Mass says.

"Just a little bit longer," Maine says, and Massachusetts, remarkably, complies.

[caruliaa2]

the thing abt twisted is everything they do with alladin is soo so bad . but everything else is so good. i think idk

[radrush]

the boudin near my work changed the way they do the eggs in their breakfast burritos and now they're not as good :/

[problemnyatic]

Yeah I know that post is vaguing me. I have a nuanced and multifaceted viewpoint on this issue that I simplify for the sake of making poasts that will actually make it out there. Also it's funny to be the devil that appears when spoken of. Hi bitch heard you were talking shit about me, mind if i join?

[hollis-exe]

i have been absent from poasting because i have decided to torture myself by hhand painting a bunch of shit in maya. for complete transparency sake: and truly you must understand: this is an assignment for a lighting class. not a texturing class.

[demonzoro]

3, 10, 22

3. Describe the creative process of writing a chapter/fic

portentous vision of a very specific scene in the middle of the day -> i rush to jot it down -> months pass -> finally dig it up again and maybe do a quick and dirty outline -> agonise over a hook -> kick my ass into putting words down even if they're ugly -> pass it to my friends for encouragement and feedback -> more ugly words but it's getting better -> repeat last 3 steps until finished -> sense-check and try not to second-guess myself -> poast that thang

10: Cltr+F "blinks" on your WIP & copy paste the first sentence/paragraph that comes up

Nanami blinks, and looks at the travel mug and paper bag sitting on his desk. The pleasant smell of cinnamon and sugar hangs in the air. "…Popular new bakery?"

my fic for the nng bang event!

22. Are there certain types of writing you won’t do? (style, pov, genre, tropes, etc)

i don't do first or second-person POV. i dislike angst without catharsis/whump for whump's sake. sci-fi and action is very difficult for me to write. i'm game for pretty much any trope, but i have to feel like the character still reads authentically i.e. character over trope.

[evilgumby]

christ sake i’ll just poast

[sukimas]

i've basically evolved, in terms of discourse, into an "i just want to grill for gods sake" type of guy. i can do things to help others sure but i don't care about what i do or don't do on the internet. i do things which are actively helpful in the moment and enjoy Poasting about the things i like. you can probably see this in my about- i don't really follow politics bloggers, even if i reblog from people who post about politics sometimes. what use does it serve? i just want to grill. do you guys want my favorite pesto sauce recipe.

[hetaari]

one of my favorite hetalia writers (you lol) is into vocaloid too?????? Bruh???? Do you have any bedroom or fashion headcanons for the cryptons???

ough this is long overdue I'm so sorry,,,,, I don't want this to get too long so I'll post fashion headcanons here and make bedroom headcanons a separate poast

Miku

huge fan of floral print

she has lots of those cute brightly colored sundresses

so obviously spring/summer is where she peaks clothing wise

she wears skirts and tights even when it’s cold out but she does have her limits. If it’s seriously painfully cold and she has no choice but to be outside she will absolutely abandon being fashionable for the sake of not freezing to death

that being said. she does frequently make the mistake of underestimating how cold it gets. "it cant be that cold," she says, clueless. and every time, she suffers the consequences

Occasionally borrows stuff from Luka

Rin

like Miku, she also peaks during spring/summer fashion wise

shes more of a shorts person, though. shorts and graphic tees

her skirts generally tend to be on the shorter side

lots of tank tops and camisoles

Also she’s got quite a bit of pastel colors in her wardrobe

but tbh she 'borrows' (50/50 chance of her having asked) stuff from Miku

she doesn't suffer as much in the cold as Miku does, even though she wears short skirts and tights in cold weather as well (better tolerance for the cold, really)

Len

slightly better at dressing for cold/mild weather tbh

thats not to say that his warm weather wardrobe is bad or anything, its just a bit plain bc he doesn’t care that much, specifically in summer when he’s focused more on not boiling to death

He’s pretty much at his best in fall and mid-late spring

He does more light colors when it’s warm and more dark colors when it’s cold

He has a lot of hoodies, jackets, and cardigans

he unironically wears cargo shorts/pants; a tactical advantage over bags, he says

once late fall/winter hits. ooh boy you best believe he's gonna be 'stealing' Kaito's sweaters constantly (bigger = more warmth is the logic he’s going by)

Luka

Her sense of style is a bit more on the modest side tbh

She doesn’t go for anything overly flashy

Her wardrobe's got a lot of muted colors in general, though she does also have brightly colored things like sundresses and stuff

yes she wears skirts when its cold but she generally wears long skirts anyway so it's not too weird

she generally avoids things with hoods unless she's desperate

she has a lot of. long flowy clothing. skirts, dresses, cardigans, you name it

also a lot of linen stuff and sunhats

and she only wears trench coats or peacoats, she doesn't like zippers very much

Meiko

World's biggest crop top stan

Also a fan of denim (but like, nothing outrageous)

plenty of tube tops

i think she'd have a collection of sunglasses

she doesn't tolerate cold too well, so when its winter, she'd be wearing one of them big ass coats with the fur on the hood

and maybe some timbs or something. she's a real boots gal

a lot of reds, oranges, yellows, and browns

like len, she also steals kaito's sweaters

unlike len, though, she usually asks for them and returns them without a fuss

Kaito

Ngl he kinda dresses like someone's father when the weather is warm

button ups, khakis, polo shirts, the works

hell, he's even worn cargo shorts. and hes got watches. that's just how Dad he gets

he doesn't do socks and sandals, at least

once it gets cold, that's when he really starts dressing

lots of blues, black, white and gray

Constant victim of his sweaters getting stolen, namely by Len and occasionally Meiko (at least Meiko just gives them back, Len pesters him to say 'fuck' before returning them)

also once warmer weather hits he takes a bit of time to get used to having his neck exposed; he just feels really weird without his scarf or something at least partially obscuring his neck, especially when he's in public

[erstwhilesparrow]

i do keep trying to Make Quick Poast about mohwee+owen outsiders and it just will not cohere due to how i am trying to condense like six months worth of thinking about them into a handful of paragraphs. so instead i will make Longer Poast. come with me on this journey.

let's... start at the beginning? the thing that Gets Me about early mohwee+owen is that mohwee is constantly pushing for going into the maze, damn the risks, trying to argue that they should just be looking out for themselves in there, and he is not clocking at all that people like owen and graecie are trying to stop him because you can't just make people who are worried about you not worry about you. mohwee disappears briefly during a run and when they get back to the clearing, owen punches him once. says, later, "i don't have it in me to punch him again." he doesn't want mohwee hurt, at his hands or any others'! and, like, to be clear, i don't think that owen's concern here is specific. i bet he'd be Like This about anyone who ran off into the maze without warning; he cares about mohwee because he's decided it's his job to care about the people of the clearing, and mohwee is a person from this clearing.

but it's not terribly long before owen starts to just... resign himself to mohwee being like this? one of the first times they find levers in the maze, mohwee tosses owen a bow and arrows he had on him, and while the others protest, owen says, "let him do it. clearly he has a death sentence [sic]." a few times, mohwee runs out of sight and instead of trying to call him back, owen chases him and asks, "what did / do you see?" even this early on, they are testing each other, learning to work together.

another thing owen says about mohwee from this time period i'm normal about:

What's the point of the objective if you die in the process? What about me?

i think hearing it in context makes it reasonably clear owen's "what about me" is mostly referring to how if mohwee runs off, that also directly risks the lives of people with him because something could happen to them and mohwee wouldn't know / be able to help. but it sure is something. asking mohwee to think of who he's leaving behind. asking mohwee to think about him. another interaction in this space:

Owen: I almost died there because of you. Mohwee: ...I didn't ask you to go in. Owen: Yeah, but that's the point! You're my friend! I turned and went in with only a minute left!

and later:

I care about you a lot, Mohwee, I just--

all this, before mohwee even disappears into the maze for his months of absence! but of course he does disappear, and owen's really normal about that too. during mohwee's disappearance, owen talks about how he doesn't trust mohwee, how he's never going to let mohwee take anyone else into the maze again, and on one hand, yeah, he is saying these things, but on the other, he is speaking in the present tense about a person that the other outsiders have been consistently arguing about: is mohwee alive? is he dead? shouldn't we just give him up for dead and move on? owen tells graecie that mohwee might still be alive, but like. i don't think he's helping her cling to that hope just for her sake.

anyway. owen declares to himself, "My job is to protect people. To the best of my abilities." adds, later, "All I remember about myself is that I was raised to protect people." mohwee's lever on the sign-out wall stays flicked down. owen stays in the maze overnight to look for mohwee, says he would do anything to get them one step closer to finding him, and he doesn't notice that he's doing the exact same thing as mohwee. saying he's happy to risk himself and then not registering at all that risking himself does in fact risk more than just him, for various reasons which include how you hurt other people by getting hurt yourself. there is no escaping the bonds you have made with these people!! neither of them recognize this in themselves, but it is the very thing that keeps them bound to each other!!

and then mohwee's back. he staggers into the firelight battered and bloody and screaming at them for leaving him to die. ("How did you survive?" someone asks. / "Should I tell you?" Mohwee snaps. "I don't think you deserve to know.") he and oeca walk away to talk, and owen chases after them, asking if they need space, if they need owen to hold the others back. it's just... it's an interesting move, yknow? owen, who has spent so much time up to now arguing and disagreeing with mohwee, trying to corral him, now going, i'm on your side, i'll give you what you're asking for.

(total sidebar: it breaks my heart that owen says (paraphrased), "so do you want us to leave you alone?" and mohwee doesn't say yes.)

(second sidebar: it's not even like the arguing is a strike against the idea of owen caring about mohwee, really. they can't help caring about each other. they wouldn't keep going back, to the maze, to the clearing meetings, to the arguing, if they really really didn't care. they keep saying they're done, they won't go back, and then they do, every time.)

it's at the point that i start thinking about... what owen-as-gatekeeper might look like to mohwee. the promises owen keeps making: he's going to protect everyone, he'll turn back and drag you out of the maze by force if he has to, he'll hunt you down in there no matter what it takes. i think about mohwee's time in the maze, his blatant terror of the monsters inside, his insistence that the outsiders cannot mess with the maze because it will kill them. owen, compared to the implacable and unknowable mechanisms of the maze, must seem pretty straightforward. even the things he gets angry about are more or less predictable. if mohwee were to go into the maze again, owen would come after him.

i think about owen in this time period, as it becomes increasingly evident that he was not joking about how fundamentally violence is part of him, is in his bones so deep even wiping his memories doesn't take it away. he is profoundly committed to what he thinks is right. he's gone from [couldn't bring himself to punch mohwee more than once] to [willing to bring ori down to a single heart] for the sake of 'protecting' everyone. he'll beg at the gates, he'll do real physical harm to 'keep people safe'. i think also about how he comes up the elevator and one of the first things he does is make and collect weapons. he says "i need to help protect people" and he builds an arena where he says he'll teach people to fight. he is forever talking about how he used to be a soldier. he doesn't really seem to know how to care for people except through violence. i think about him threatening to hunt mohwee down.

at one point during owen's gatekeeper arc, mohwee threatens to run past owen into the maze, and then backs off laughing and claiming it was a joke when owen punches him for it. but do you think he thought about it? do you think during this arc mohwee ever looks at owen, all his threats, all his dedication, and discovers that there is a comfort to knowing exactly what you'd be hunted by?

anyway. i'm also thinking about how after that initial do you want me to hold them back with mohwee and oeca, owen... kind of keeps acting as intermediary between them and the rest of the clearing members? mohwee and oeca build up a barricade, and later, mohwee, angry and hurt, says, "i'm tearing [the barricade] down; they don't deserve this," while owen follows him and tries to talk him down. owen as the connecting line between mohwee and the rest of the outsiders, owen as the one who turns and calls to ask what mohwee saw, as the one who chases after to ask for mohwee's opinions.

there might be something here as well to the notion that the people owen treats as on-level with him are often people he's been antagonistic with (e.g. ori, mohwee -- he is not doing the Careful And Gentle routine with them the way he does even with oeca), and some of it is definitely that he's treating them seriously because he's treating them as potential threats he'll have to confront at some point, but i do like the idea that owen's protection and care is a little indiscriminate at this point, but you have to fight for his respect. i think at any rate it is fair to say there's Something Different about how these two relate to each other. and i think that Something Different doesn't not have an effect. i think it is a really interesting element of mohwee's character that when he comes back from the maze, it's obvious enough that he's hurt and upset, but instead of focusing on himself, he really quickly gets caught up in shouting at the other clearing members for ostracizing oeca. and then when squidney comes back, she says she's forgiven them for leaving her behind, but mohwee doesn't. mohwee continues getting angry on her behalf, arguing that rasbi shouldn't get to escape blame for abandoning her, and it's about his own abandonment, but it is also about that thing none of them seem to fully grasp, that they can't avoid caring about each other, and they will express that care badly, in ways clearly inflected by their own trauma, but they will care. he and owen have something in common here. look out for your people. be ready to do something drastic on their behalf.

(tangentially related: found in my notes a bullet point about mohwee yelling, "i'm not processing! i'm getting to work!" around the building of the barricade. man. ;-; )

after the second gate into clearing A opens, mohwee comes up to owen and asks him, "spikes?" just the one word, but they have grown to know and trust each other enough that it works. they can rely on each other to be concerned about the maze, to want to figure it out and help everyone get out. this is after owen has renounced being a leader, but mohwee still checks with him before taking action, still seeks out owen specifically to talk to. some exchanges from this period that make me want to bite something:

Owen: There wasn't any point [in me being leader]. Mohwee: What do you mean there wasn't any point? There's always a point. You taught me that.

and

Mohwee: You sound really sad. Are you good? Owen, laughing: No, no, I'm fine!

and

Owen: People would lose their nut if I went in there-- Wait, why do I care? Mohwee: Yeah, why do you care? What if we just went in and no one knew?

and i don't have direct quotes for this last one, but mohwee and owen sit down to talk about how they think the new maze entrance should be investigated, and owen jumps immediately to mohwee as someone he would be want to have on his team when they go. ("What a team, huh?" / "Yep, look at us go!")

there's a point during the prison arc where mohwee comes running to owen to tell him that no one's watching over apo, checks with him that owen knows and that this is okay. it was at this point i messaged my friend, "mohwee REPEATEDLY AND DEMONSTRABLY ONLY TRUSTING OWEN. owen did you train your own guard dog. what happened." and mohwee doesn't actually have owen's dogged (ha) loyalty like that, but there's something here, maybe. about their lives intertwining in this really particular way. about seeing each other, about trusting each other and also wanting to push each other farther. owen tells mohwee, "I see why you didn't want to be leader." says not being leader means you can do whatever you want. owen tells mohwee he'll make sure to drag mohwee back to the clearing if he's downed in the maze but doesn't expect the same from mohwee. mohwee promises he'd do the same.

and specifically the thing here is mohwee seems to like pushing at owen's limits, trying to see if he'll go back on his own beliefs. there's the back-and-forth they are constantly having in early outsiders about who should go into the maze and when, but there's also owen talking about how it's always mohwee who doubts owen's memories of being a soldier, who's willing to ask well are you SURE you were a soldier? and when they go into the new maze section together, mohwee takes such a plain pleasure in seeing owen break his own rules. they joke about the little barricade that's been built in front of the second gate. they laugh about what they find scattered around the maze, about mohwee nearly plummeting off a sharp drop but catching the vines just in time. they dare each other to make jumps, they're excited and playful and having fun. mohwee says:

Owen? I like this side of you. Just do what you want.

there's a dynamic here that's almost like... i want to unravel you, i want to break you down into the you i'd rather you be, but i also know you as you are and knowing you means knowing how and when to push you right up against your limits. if you want me pinned you will have to fight for it the whole way. mohwee running for the gate knowing full well owen will see and stop him. owen saying he sees why mohwee doesn't care for leadership, then turning back to the leader role anyway.

(another sidebar: there's a few instances around this time period where owen's in the maze alone and he'll notice something -- a tree, or scallions -- and connect it back to mohwee. he describes the big landmark tree he stumbles across as "mohwee's tree.")

the next big incident is the finding and attack(s) of the griever den. mohwee runs ahead basically immediately and owen says to the other party members, "yeah, he has a tendency to do that." later, when they find the den seems to be empty, owen climbs up some vines to look around and mohwee comes up after him. there is the following again, the knowing each other again. on their way back, owen overhears mohwee talking to himself:

Mohwee: Actually, that might be something I have to do alone. [to Owen] I want to go back there. How much time left before night? Owen, stopping dead in his tracks: That doesn't sound like a good idea. Mohwee: Of course it's not a good idea.

transcribing it like this does not really capture how they are quick with each other, paying attention and never quite willing to bend. and also, later:

Mohwee: What if I just went? Owen: Please don't. Mohwee: What if I-- What if I just pulled a day one? Owen: Day One Mohwee? [sighing as he steps away to talk to himself] I can't let him go in there alone! He'll die in there!

then, after a flashback to his time as a soldier, owen goes to find mohwee:

Owen: Let's go. [Some confusion, during which Mohwee says something like "Right now?"] Owen: You said! You made out like you wanted it to be now. Mohwee: No, I'm just surprised, I'm just surprised that you even wanna go. Okay, fine. Owen: I can't let you go in by yourself. Mohwee: Okay, no no no no no. We are not going so you can protect me. We are going so you can help me. Owen: I-- I'll help you. Mohwee: And because you want to go for yourself.

owen follows mohwee. mohwee follows owen. mohwee wants owen selfish, owen wants mohwee safe. it's circling each other, it's chasing each other, it's knowing each other as only hunter and hunted can. do you see what i'm saying?

(sidebar: later in the maze, they also have:

Mohwee: All right, Owen, task at hand, okay? Owen: Mhm. [then, to himself, muted prox chat] I'm not doing this for me. I'm doing this for Mohwee, even if he says he doesn't want that to happen.

there is a... truth to what they want from each other, i think. owen admits much later that he was selfish, not wanting to sacrifice his life and so being grateful that others did. under many of mohwee's clashes with owen, the undercurrent of fear and hurt: mohwee wants out of here, mohwee wants to never have to worry about the maze again. it's not that mohwee throws himself into this for glory, it's that he wants to be done, he wants to be safe.)

before they actually try again, mohwee gathers their little assault party for a speech. he talks about how his entire time in the glade has lead up to this moment, to helping everyone get out. he says, "We can do this. Magic knows why we're in here. If something happens, others can carry it on for us." this is their only chance, he says. they can't back down when they do this. he tells owen, as they close in on the griever den, "we got this. we got this." (this is mostly not that relevant. i probably should have put it in a sidebar. but hey, you read this far and i'm really sad about this one.)

and then it... fails. mohwee's confidence was misplaced, squidney's dead, they trudge back to the clearing and from owen's pov, you can just hear mohwee murmur to himself, "I was so confident..."

before owen disappears into his house for his Terrible No-Good Very Bad Coma, he talks to mohwee again:

Owen: I just-- I gotta go take some rest, okay? Mohwee: What's wrong with you? Owen: [...] It's been a lot to take in. Mohwee: Are you angry? [...] Owen: No, no, not at all, not at all. Mohwee: It'd be understandable. I kind of dragged you into it. Owen: No, no-- I went in there... to help. And-and-and at least we learned something, eh? Mohwee: You look pale. Owen: I'm fine, I'm just in a bit of shock. Mohwee: Okay. Owen: 'Kay, I'm gonna rest, I'll talk to you later? Mohwee: Okay. Bye-bye.

writing it out like this doesn't really convey how... neutral mohwee sounds for this whole exchange. even the "what's wrong with you" comes across... not quite emotionless, but like he's trying not to inject too much emotion into it. like he really genuinely wants owen to answer the question, and like he's braced for owen to be mad but too proud to admit it. i think... he hasn't quite figured out how to admit it. but he is concerned, and paying attention, and trying to take the next right step.

isn't it so sad that the next big thing i have to talk about is mohwee dying? i have fewer notes for this section because at that point i was mostly just along for the ride, but it makes me want to chew drywall that mohwee's last words to the outsiders are take care of each other. the thing is, even if his impulses at the start of all this were entirely selfish, even if he really wasn't thinking about the people who would put themselves in danger for him, even by the time he was back, before they knew about the second clearing, he was saying he'd change for graecie and ori. he cared about his people even if he never said it directly. the barricades he put up with oeca, the arguing for people not to fuck with the maze, the insistence on remembering who had ostracized oeca or abandoned squidney. in those last moments in the dark maze when owen is trapped in that corner with kyle, mohwee comes back. he specifically says he came back to look for owen. he wanted to learn the maze, wanted to kill the griever, wanted to do the work to get them all out. he cared so much. the last thing he said to them was take care of each other.

i think about how after this, owen is going to have his Turn and mohwee will be dead and have no idea about it. owen is going to lie to and trap and murder the other outsiders and die a miserable death alone under the clearing and mohwee won't ever know about it. mohwee knew owen as a lot of things but he'll never know owen as this. mohwee dies knowing owen as the one who taught him that trying to do right by others is the only thing you really can do.

i have spent a lot of this post highlighting that point; i'm sure you get it by now. but i think part of the crucial thing here is despite this, they both still die in the maze, mohwee and owen. they don't get out alive. they never even say that they might know each other in ways unique to the two of them, much less that they love each other, whatever that flavour of love is. there is something here about finding a specific, terrible, beautiful, fleeting understanding in one another, and having that understanding shape you. i said to a friend at one point while writing outsiders fic that i can write romance in the maze so easily because i know that for certain people in a certain type of world, desire is terrifying. and in outsiders it works especially because loving people you cannot control, who will risk their own lives because they love you just as much back, loving people who are so constantly on the precipice of death and knowing it, is terrifying. and they still do it. they cannot help themselves. to say it out loud means knowing you'll die for them and they'll die for you and so you can't say it except indirectly, approached sideways or in the heat of the moment, and even then it will never be enough. mohwee and owen were neither of them the only person in the other's life. they died alone, separate, and there are pieces of them that their counterpart will never find out about. but their lives did intersect. they changed each other. the actions they took mattered to one another. however bleakly it ends, it matters that it happened.

[fuckmaster-unlimited]

i might need to take a break from using tumblr for a couple of days for the sake of school but that’s so harddddd i love poasting

[gutta-percha]

fuck SAKE tumblr stop putting me at the top of the dash 40% of the time when i like a poast. annoying!

[danielradosa]

Just trying to make a poast

Making post for the sake of testing and working around with my own theme.

blessed

[robinabobin]

made this hammer v quick before work tryin to get in the habit of doing a daily sketch and poasting it for the sake of having a record of my progress in blender