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theangrypokemaniac · 1 year ago

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Part One

In a sense, childhood never really stops.

Everything to come simply grows round and upon those foundations like the rings of tree, which means that all the thoughts and feelings you had then, even if no longer consciously 'there' on the surface, are all still inside, waiting.

And if you dig down far enough, they burst out like spirits from a haunted forest.

You'd best be sitting down for this one.

The thing to remember about Pokémon is that it was only supposed to last for one region, so its set up and early canon were written in the assumption of an imminent ending.

When that changed, it meant having to slowly prise apart the relationships already established, in order to give them more run time before a belated conclusion finally tied it all together.

If you look, there is a clear difference in tone between series one (which is, officially, from Pokémon — I Choose You! to The Breeding Centre Secret) and two (the rest of Kanto plus the Orange League).

Near enough all of the beloved and best-remembered Rocketshipping moments (Pokémon Shipwreck, Holy Matrimony! etc.) are confined to the first series, because that was intended to lead somewhere.

I actually can't think of any stand-out scenes from the latter half of Kanto. In fact, and perhaps tellingly, that's when the earliest Anti-Shipping elements crept in, as in Bad to the Bone, which is another rant in itself.

By series two, the writers knew Pokémon would last until at least Johto, and therefore tried to roll back the status of these romances to a more moderate level, so it felt less of a fait accompli done and dusted, and more of a work-in-progress with some way to go yet, i.e. still carrying enough mileage to get them over the finish line.

We know from Mewtwo Strikes Back and its deleted footage that characters were originally intended to age, move on with their lives and settle down, which is the right thing to do if you believe the grand finale is just around the corner.

And again, this was obviously how early Kanto saw the future unfolding, because it makes several references to the passage of time during Ash's travels.

(He tells Giselle, for example, that he's been a Trainer for 'about two months').

Even as late as The Battle of the Badge, Misty says it's been a year since they last visited Viridian City.

By the third film, suddenly now it's only a year since Ash and Pikachu met, but nevertheless, time was still ticking onwards, even if in a somewhat stretched condition.

Once we get to Hoenn, the idea of Pokémon as a product, dragged on and on forever, comes into play, where status quo is god and nothing can ever really progress, as doing so would push it closer to the end, thus leaving less room to manoeuvre in the following region.

Even if it does superficially 'develop' during the era, thereby giving the writers somewhere to go, it's simply cancelled out by re-booting it in the next generation, and thus they can do the same plots all over again.

I bet this is is why Kanto and Johto get lumped in together as 'the Original Series', even when Johto was specifically promoted as 'a whole new world', because that was the last point with any real semblance of continuity, when time actually mattered to the story.

Anyway, that's the prologue of why I hate this scene.

There is no 'Jessie episode' to the Indigo League.

We have one for James (Holy Matrimony!) and Meowth (Go West, Young Meowth), but I need to search round the era, picking out the fragments, in order to piece together the puzzle of her background.

And I will do that.

1. Met James at Pokémon Tech. Failed the entrance exam. (The School of Hard Knocks)

2. Got Ekans for her birthday. (Island of the Giant Pokémon)

3. Fears rollercoasters. (Island of the Giant Pokémon)

4. Despises women who sit around moping over a fella, 'cause she's got some bloody standards and don't take no nonsense from men. (The Ghost of Maiden's Peak)

You go, girl!

5. Spent years thinking Santa was a Jynx after one came down the chimney and stole her creepy Bruce Lee doll. (Holiday Hi-Jynx)

If that's a prized possession it doesn't say much for her childhood.

Or, rather, it says a lot.

6. Lived with her mother in a shack with no running water in the far north, and ate snow to survive. (Snow Way Out)

I know, I know it's not Ma Jess in the sub, but they chose to give her the exact same colour hair, when they could've picked any other shade, so it doesn't make sense otherwise, besides the rest.

7. Wants to be worshipped and waited upon 'like Cleopatra' by subservient pretty boys. (Pokémon Scent-sation)

8. Really has a thing for long-haired, effeminate lads, particularly with blue and purple hair. (The Punchy Pokémon)

9. Joined a bike gang with James and finally made friends there. (The Bridge Bike Gang)

10. Said bike gang came directly after running away with James from Pokémon Tech. (Holy Matrimony!)

11. Got nothing for Kids' Day, except 'baloney, and with one slice'. (The Purr-fect Hero)

I was never sure if 'baloney' meant cheap American meat (and meagre amounts of it at that) or was a deliberate play on words and actually indicated no filling at all.

12. Grew up poor and couldn't have Pokémon Dolls. (Princess Versus Princess)

13. Used to be friends with Cassidy. Hates her now because she's 'jealous'. (The Breeding Centre Secret)

James didn't recognise Cassidy here, which suggests Team Rocket separates boys and girls for training, where she and Jessie then met but fell out rapidly, so it can't have been that much of a friendship.

Then again, it takes very little for girls to resent one another.

14. Considers herself an actress for playing a worm in a school play. (Lights, Camera, Quack-tion!)

15. No friends before James. (Friend or Foe Alike)

This is before we even consider supplementary material about her mother, for all that it's never come up in the anime.

Picture the scene: Little T.A.P., having compiled this list, settles down to watch a new episode of the Orange League, and what happens?

...

Right, everyone dies now.

...

All the above, that I bothered to notice and value, because I'd invested in the programme, near enough every one of them is wiped out by this single bloody montage.

I paid attention, I listened to what they told me, I cared, and for what? To watch them set it alight once it's inconvenient?

They are, in effect, punishing the audience for loving what they want us to love in the first place.

One by one:

• Oh, so you did have friends as a kid then? (15 gone)

But only one foot.

• I bet you get a breeze something awful up them robes. (6 gone)

• Note the clear implication here that Jessie met this berk as a little girl and grew up with him, thus she had a stable, settled upbringing, so you can put all that stuff about her getting shunted about here, there and everywhere in various foster homes after Ma Jess snuffed it out of yer head right now. (CD gone)

You take yer filthy hands off her.

Mind you, I don't blame Jess keeping her eyes shut.

Gotta protect her soul from getting sucked into the black hole of oblivion in Darren's face.

Yeah, he looks like a Darren to me.

Fresh from smashing up the local offy before browsing the racks of Top Man for classy, clearly-not-chav clobber.

Q. What do you call Darren in a suit?

A. The defendant.

• That's some fancy gear yer got on there, Jess. I'll bet that cost a few bob. (11 and 12 gone)

• Not keen on pale, long-haired foppish youths devotedly waiting on you hand on foot, eh?

Oh no, she's always wanted 'em assertive, domineering, cropped, and Ronseal'd to the non-existent eyeballs. (7 and 8 gone)

• May I again state that this routine shows Jessie growing up with this tosser, from almost birth to her current age, with no indication they'd ever parted during that time, which neatly eliminates the history she had with James. (1, 9 and 10 gone)

Not only that, but since she's now apparently lived near Darren until the very minute she signed up for crime, having no reason to do so in this continuity, it's erased the Chansey school before it's even been bloody invented!

It can't be a case of mountain shack, went home, Jynx castle, went home, Chansey school, went home, Pokémon Tech., went home, bike gang, went home, Team Rocket, as what the hell was she going home to? Parents?

And why wouldn't James go with her?

DARREN!!!

Girls like her disgust me.

Always waiting around for her man as if she were his faithful pet.

She can't stand the thought of losing him.

She cries but I'd say: 'See ya later!'

There are plenty more fish in the sea. (4 gone)

That screenshot is this meme:

Out of the list of fifteen, there are five left, 'cause that scene just kept on whittling 'em down like Cassidy on a speed run.

And before anyone starts (because they always start), I'm gonna pre-empt the 'ackshully' treatment.

What they type:

Fufufufufu... Oh they don't say that in the sub, don't you know.

What they mean:

Well if you were a Deesunt Yoomun Been, like me, you'd pay no attention to that vulgar old dub.

Frightfully common.

Alright, alright, I'll take all the words out an' all. (2 and 14 gone) Happy now?

Since Pokémon is no longer set on Earth, that'll be no Christmas allowed either. (5 gone)

All I have left is that she hates Cassidy and rollercoasters, and I'm not even sure if that counts these days, considering how quickly she pushed James on to her supposed mortal enemy. (13 gone)

And there's bound to be an episode I've forgotten about cutting out the rollercoaster terror. (3 gone)

Probably in Kalos.

It's the sort of thing they'd do.

So that's it then. Jessie's past was already a mystery, but this one scene destroyed every important piece of information I'd gathered about her, and quite a few minor details to boot, which set the pattern to come.

Now this wasn't the first time Pokémon ticked me off. We are, after all, dealing with the Orange League.

Who's this twat? And where's Brock?

Bad to the Bone was a portent of doom, but I grudgingly put it aside because I enjoyed the full series.

At least Tracey joining only changed the present, and didn't piss all over the past, but here, when I already don't like the overall situation, watching something blatantly wrong is even more infuriating.

Oooooh, it's just one scene. Get over it.

Exactly. One bloody scene. A few needless seconds easily eaten up by any other content, but oh no, they simply HAD to rip up everything they'd already said, for nothing.

I almost think being a meaningless, throwaway scenario makes it worse, as it led to no plot point within the episode, no vital exchange building to a legendary story arc, nothing of any worth whatsoever, which might (MIGHT) justify the soiled beginnings; it exists only as filler for empty air, never hinted at before, and never referenced again.

It doesn't matter at all, but they did it anyway.

At times like this I realize the value of Zero Tolerance, because the moment you put up with any slight slip in standards, precisely because it is so slight, and you're told to 'be reasonable', you've already consented to a hundred other much worse things down the line, because it's always 'just a little bit more' and 'But you accepted that, so why not this?' dragging yer down the path of damnation.

They got rid of Brock, and replaced him with Tracey, but fans weren't 'avin it, and kicked off.

So Brock returned, and stayed for another three regions, writers waiting for two generations of fan to grow up and leave before they dared pension him off again, and Tracey's barely been seen since.

But this? No one ever said a word.

No one ever says anything, and that just handed 'em a licence to do whatever they wanted.

And what have we had since then?

(Training Daze)

What be this 'shared history' of which ye speak?

Why, all the very moral people know Jessie and James only met in Team Rocket, so it must be true.

Mmm-hmm.

Ever noticed how most of the Team Rocket episodes after this retcon are all about splitting 'em up?

Oh, I wonder why.

Yeah. It's as if there's no deep bond anymore.

How people got swindled into believing this was a prime Rocketshipping goldmine I'll never know.

You'll gladly trade away their entire youth spent side-by-side, all to have one bloody GIF of him falling on top of her?

Why is this a novelty? Weren't they always hugging and falling asleep beside one another before?

Why is it suddenly a big deal?

Oh yeah. The Darren Dilemma hints as much, but this is the one making it official:

Jessie and James didn't know each other from Adam before today.

God knows what they were up to since birth though, 'cause all the adventures explaining have been deleted.

You can't have The School of Hard Knocks, you can't have The Bridge Bike Gang, and best of all, you can't have Holy Matrimony!, as that references them both.

Bye-bye now!

So we've gone from them staying together from childhood, as a choice, irrelevant to joining the Mafia, to something founded on a business deal between work mates?

That's romantic, innit?

(Sweet Baby James)

Jessie, and ME?!

Together?!

A COUPLE??!!

Ewwwwww!!! Yer dirty bitch, Grandma. I'd rather DIE!!!

I wish the writers wouldn't keep sending us these cryptic messages.

Come on, say what you mean for a change.

Uh! She's so disgusting, kids! Don't ship him with her!

That's just cruel, that!

(Crossing Paths!)

Well whaddya know. Here's another vapid dickhead who totally ruined my life in an unspecified timeframe who I nevertheless forgot about til now.

Austin Allegro or whatever his name is.

Real tragic tho.

Not before or after Darren, apparently.

In-between.

Try and make both these Shameful Secret Pasts fit, and you end up with Jess taking a break from Darren mid-way to fanny about with a fellow gibbering non-entity, who inflicted Major Trauma Of Which We Do Not Speak by getting on a bus, but shrugging it off immediately and going back to Darren, who inflicted Major Trauma Of Which We Do Not Speak by donning Giant's flasher mac.

Ah. The classic triggers.

What's this, anyway? Nurse Joy: The Wonder Years?

No, no, no, no, no! It's Jessie! Jessie, Jessie, JESSIE!

Ooh, yes. I'd know that hair anywhere.

This was a Serious Moment, people!

Ah, you mean another Butterfree rip-off?

NO! It was a moth this time! That's a completely different animal!

(Noodles! Roamin' Off!)

Yeah, I'm gonna do this Contest schtick full-time, love.

No, you can't come with me.

I ain't even offering.

Look, just sod off back to Jessibelle will yer?

She'll have yer. Daft bitch.

Hey, it's Mondo!

NO! It's once more a never-before-mentioned Very Important Character!

Amazing how Chris made such a life-shattering impact on the pair but somehow never showed up in the episode covering their Team Rocket training.

Crazy.

(A Fork in the Road! A Parting of the Ways!)

I don't like yer. I never really liked yer.

There will never be anything between us, so yer can forget that.

I don't even respect yer as a friend, 'cause I am outta here at the first sniff of something better without so much as a goodbye.

Who's this creaking old duffer?

That's Jessie an' all.

????????

I will dump you for some beady-eyed pencil neck within five minutes of meeting him 'cause it's Very Definitely Troo Luv Bruh.

Yeah, I know. But I don't give a shit about all the years we spent together.

You were just the only crawling simp I could get at the time.

Come on, even our 'best bits' recap is crap. What does that tell yer?

I don't even care if all yer Pokémon get nicked and you end up alone. I ain't coming back.

...

Okay, I'm back now. He doesn't want me so I might as well.

But don't get too comfy, sunshine. I am NOT happy and I will chuck you at the next opportunity.

Genius continuity here where James has gone from vowing to die before he married Jessie to having a nervous breakdown when she legs it.

Ssh. The Next Opportunity is coming up.

(The Good, the Bad, and the Lucky!)

You'd be much better off with that bird I've loathed with all-consuming murderous hatred for the last two decades.

You know, after she's bullied, belittled and beaten us up relentlessly?

Aye, that's the one. Go on, lad, get stuck in.

I can't be taking you away from Paradise when you've bonded over that famous shared interest of yours.

Whittling.

End of Part One

3 notes · View notes

phoenixofthestars · 21 days ago

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I tried to gently tell that you were misusing a term in a manner that many would interpret as offensive, including the person you described with that term, and instead of taking the correction with grace, you responded first by being dismissive and then by lashing out.

The actress you described as "plus size" has said explicitly, "DO NOT CALL ME PLUS SIZE." She is below average in size. Calling her plus size is offensive both to her, and to people who are *actually* plus sized, who are being told that a woman who 1) does not look like them and 2) does not experience the severe, dehumanizing marginalizations they experience for being plus sized, is "good plus-size representation."

It really boils down to this: you called an a person something she specifically told people not to call her, and then threw a tantrum at me for gently informing you, "Hey, you really shouldn't be calling her that."

"I'm autistic and Canadian and this justifies me throwing around politically charged terms without learning what they mean or caring who they offend. How dare you tell me I'm wrong! No one should be allowed to tell me I'm wrong ever!"

Do you see how you sound? Do you hear yourself?

You act like I was somehow bullying you. All I did was point out that you made a mistake, and give you the information you need to not make the same mistake in the future.

And instead of going, "Oh, oops. Didn't realize I was using that word wrong," like a reasonable person, your reponse was, "I'm not learning that shit! Fuck you! I don't care who I offend!"

Learn some emotional maturity.

Jesus Christ, hello. I know she’s not plus size. I was wrong. You assumed I was in America, when in fact I’ve never even crossed the border. That’s all I’m miffed ahout. I’m no longer referring to Nicola as plus-size. My brain has weird-ass definitions of things like plus-size because my mom has always been plus-size, and they looked about the same to me. That’s why I mentioned the autism. It was never intended to be an excuse for making a mistake; it was intended to be a reason: “My brain is weird and I made a mistake because of it and I accept that.”

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thelastofuspcdownload · 1 year ago

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homemade-ghosts · 2 years ago

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Your Top 5 dasey moments :)))

First off, I’m really sorry if this ask is old, I haven’t been active on here in months. Secondly, how dare you. Top 5 Dasey moments per season I could do, maybe even top 5 episodes – but top 5 moments of the whole series? That is just cruel and unusual punishment…but since you asked with smiley faces, I’ll do my best. Also, it’s hard enough to pick moments without having to rank them, so I’m just going to list them in the order they happen in the series and, for the sake of my sanity, the movie doesn’t count here (I realize that’s kind of a cop out, but I feel like it’s somewhat fair since I made a whole post relating to Vacation with Derek way back when).

Okay, now that I’m done being dramatic, on with the list!

“I like the sweaty look, chick’s dig it.” (1.04)

This is a small, “blink and you’ll miss it”-type flashback in an episode I don’t particularly like (it goes too hard on reinforcing binary gender roles — but hey, it was the mid-2000s and so did 99% of the other shows on TV at the time). Let me set the scene for you: Derek walks in as Casey is finishing her laundry, he’s visibly sweaty (having just finished playing basketball outside). He takes a towel, wipes his face and then purposefully shoves it in Casey’s face. When she’s (understandably) grossed out by this, Derek arches his shoulders toward Casey, as if he’s leaning in, to tell her, “I like the sweaty look, chick’s dig it.” She disagrees. Which is why, when Emily knocks on the door a second later, Derek opens it, puts on his best flirty smile and Emily, being Emily, is immediately lovestruck. Point proven. The real kicker here, at least for me, is the fact that not only does Derek give Casey an even more flirty smirk than he gave Emily, the girl he was actively trying to flirt with, immediately after proving his point,* but then he pinches Casey’s cheek. Like, takes the hand he’d just raked through his hair, reaches out and pinches her cheek as he leans towards her (again) and says her name in an almost babyish voice, before leaving.

* (aforementioned flirty smirk, for reference lol)

The point of this scene, I’m sure, was just to establish that Casey thinks Derek is gross and he only touched her face because he knew she’d be disgusted by the fact that his hand was all sweaty. What I saw, however, was Derek noticing that Casey wasn’t looking at him while we was doing his best “See? She thinks I’m hot. Change your mind yet?” smirk in her direction. So he gets in her face and touches her cheek, this way she has no choice but to pay attention to him. Their relationship is built on competition, after all and, for Derek, having Casey know that he’s won is more important than the actual act of winning itself. He can make as many jokes as he wants about how Casey ignoring him or not talking to him would be a dream come true, but in reality, he craves her attention and he’ll always go out of his way to get it. Plus, it’s another example of Derek “I don’t do PDA” Venturi making an effort to touch Casey when he doesn’t have to or need to. Typically, that means an arm over Casey’s shoulder or a hand on her back, this time he went for something a little less conventional.

2. “What’s more interesting is why Amy’s dating you…” (3.23)

Oh, how I love this episode, let me count the ways (not really though, I could write a whole post on this ep alone, but this one is going to be long enough as it is). Casey’s in her room, practicing her routine for the next round of cheerleading tryouts, when she spins around to see Derek…standing in her doorway, just watching her dance. This is obviously intended to be a funny jump scare moment, nothing more — but all I could think was: how long had he been watching her? And isn’t it interesting how he went out of his way to laugh at her routine during the last round of tryouts (even though her routine was obviously good) when he was in a room full of other people, but now that no one else is around he’s content with just watching her dance? No smart remarks, no quips about how ridiculous she looks. They’re alone now, and for a moment, he lets the facade drop. He allows himself to be impressed, to notice how talented Casey is. A kind of silent admiration.

What I really love though, is what comes next. Casey reminds him that, if he doesn’t want her to practice, he should take it up with his girlfriend. When he feigns confusion, Casey brings up Amy, the cheer captain who has it out for Casey because she thinks Casey “stole” Max from her and who also happens to be currently dating Derek. First, Casey suggests that Derek’s only dating Amy to annoy her. Interesting how Casey’s first thought when Derek gets a new girlfriend is that it must have something to do with her — they’re very invested in each other’s dating lives (for some reason…) and, in all fairness, Derek does have a history of dating girls solely because he knew it would piss Casey off (Emily, circa season 1). Then, after Derek tries to convince Casey that his reason for dating Amy has nothing to do with her (he does the exact opposite by saying that he’s going out with her because “cheerleader” is on his “list” of types of girls he wants to date…then, half a second later, he emphasizes the fact that Casey’s a cheerleader, too) Casey claims Amy is only dating him to “torment” her. And, I’m sorry, but why exactly is it torture to see Amy, someone the show goes out of its way to tell us is actually very similar to Casey, dating Derek? I mean, sure, Derek tells her a few embarrassing stories about Casey, but none of them are that bad and Amy never once comes over to the house — so really, all Casey has to deal with is seeing Amy and Derek together at school. Why would it bother Casey so much? Unless, of course, it was another reminder that Derek could date someone like her, but he could never date her.

3. “So guess what? Things are about to get ugly.” “Bring it.” (4.04)

This is probably my favorite episode of the series and this moment, in particular, is a fun callback/parallel to the pilot. In the first episode, George and Nora force Casey and Derek to stay in the basement until they can decide, between the two of them, who should get the basement as their new bedroom. Immediately after their respective families leave the basement, Casey and Derek move from opposite sides of the room to circle one another. It’s supposed to give off a kind of “enemies preparing for battle” “I’m not backing down, I’ll get what I want” kind of vibe, but they don’t break eye contact and there’s tension where there should be actual dislike/hatred. In “March Break” Casey and Derek have not been forced into the same space. This time, they chose to be at home, alone, with each other while Nora, George and the kids go to Quebec (at least I think it was Quebec?) and when they do that same “circling each other” move, this time, they’re both smiling and leaning in as they move around one another. Casey tries her best to squint her eyes and appear tough, but you can see she’s smiling, Derek, meanwhile, doesn’t even try to hide his smirk. They can feign hatred for as long as they want, but ultimately they both know this is fun. Their relationship is a game. Who’s going to win and do they even care as long as they’re competing against each other?

Also, I just love the way they lean in because it makes me feel like I’m in the middle of an enemies-to-lovers romcom, sitting there with my popcorn like, “when are they going to kiss already??”

4. “Don’t cry on the upholstery.” (4.16)

I’ve heard people say that Truman is like the Derek that Casey can actually have and I see where they’re coming from — if Derek had no charisma, heart or charm. I hated him long before this episode, but this is his point of no return: where he kisses Casey’s cousin, in front of everyone, at a party he knows Casey is at. When Casey gets a front row seat to the kiss and asks Derek if they can go home, he doesn’t question it. He puts his hands on her shoulders and steers her away from the crowd to make sure that she’s okay. The second he finds out why she’s crying, he’s rightfully pissed and tells Truman, “no one should treat Casey that way” and that Truman should apologize to her and then never speak to her again. All of these are pretty shining moments for Derek, but my favorite one is right before they leave the party. Derek tells Vicky he’ll drop her off before he takes Casey home and then, very earnestly, he looks at Casey and jokes, “don’t cry on the upholstery.” He’s not making fun of her or trying to minimize what she’s going through, he could see how hurt she was and he just wanted her to smile, to soften the blow, if only for a minute. And Casey does, she smiles, genuinely, for the first time since they got to that stupid party. Derek returns her smile with one of his own. Just before the scene ends, as the 3 of them turn to leave the party, in another small gesture of comfort, you can see Derek with his hand gingerly on Casey’s back.

5. I knew it was coming, you knew it was coming: “Same difference.” “Yeah, you’re right.” (4.18)

Is it really a list of “top 5 Dasey moments” if it doesn’t include the last scene (excluding the movie)? I don’t think so. I’m not sure there’s much I can say about it that hasn’t already been said, since this is the moment that people usually point to when they ask, “why do these two have so much chemistry??” even if they’ve never seen the show. There are two things I want to note before I get into the part of this scene with those iconic lines, however. 1. Derek is looking at the university catalog, picking out courses and joking about how he and Casey could live in the same dorm next year, which means, somewhere between finding out he and Casey were going to the same university and this scene, Derek had decided to call off his gap year in Europe and go straight to university with Casey. I just think that’s...interesting. 2. It’s hilarious that the show made such an effort to shoehorn poorly-written love interests for both of them (Emily for Derek, Truman for Casey) to go to prom with at the last minute (probably, in part, so they didn’t go to prom together for the second time) only to completely drop them in this final scene. Derek and Casey both talk to each other about the kinds of people they’re going to date when they get to university, making it clear that they both broke up with their significant others not long after graduation.

Okay, now onto That™ moment. I think everyone understands what the writers’ intention behind this scene was: for Casey and Derek to finally see each other as family, which is exactly why it’s so funny that, with the help of some great acting from Michael and Ashley, it comes off as the exact opposite of that. Derek was all smilies, joking about the different ways he and Casey were going to spend time together: saying he was just going to take all the same classes as her so he could steal her notes, that they were going to be best friends so she could introduce him to her sorority sisters — but the fun was over as soon as Casey says, “you’re the most annoying brother.”

Of course Derek was kidding about the specifics, but there was also some part of him that maybe liked being able to imagine a life outside of this house, where they could spend time together without this label hanging over their heads. Tell people they were old friends from the same town and just…see what happens — but Casey, level-headed as ever, brought Derek back down to reality. Derek’s smile fades, replaced by something uncharacteristically serious when he corrects with, “step brother.” putting a heavy emphasis on that first syllable. When the camera pans back to Casey, she hesitates and her mouth screws up for just a second, trying to think of the right words before she settles on, “same difference.” Derek concedes, “Yeah, you’re right.” but it’s the way he says it, low and slow with a kind of sadness in his eyes. We see Casey’s reaction and she’s smiling, but there’s more to it. Her smile is tight and her eyes are kind of glassy, like she might cry. They look at each other for way too long, there’s an understanding there. It’s bittersweet. They know they’re closer than they’ve ever been and as close as they’ll ever get to be.

(Thank you for sending this ask and giving me a chance to be incredibly overdramatic about a sitcom ship from the mid-2000s, It was fun!)

#also apologize if theres any lingering typos #and run-on sentences #asks #dasey #life with derek #derek x casey #filmmakerdreamst

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severus-snape-apreciation-blog · 3 years ago

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Severus Snape Headcannons for his birthday, some sad some happy ( with a big of Percy thrown in)

- before Tobias found out about magic he was a caring father,

- The first birthday cake he got was from the Evans family on his 11th birthday

- Severus and the other heads of houses and sometimes Albus will make bets on students, which career path they will take. Who they will date or marry. Has Severus cheated? Yes

- He smokes. He used to a lot when he was younger. Started at 16, cut back when he became a teacher and it started more when he became headmaster, ( don’t smoke it’s bad for you)

- His hair is greasy cause he was never properly taught how to take care of himself so never knew how

- Can ride a motorcycle

- Can paint, not often. He’s a busy man

- His ideal job would have been running his own shop

- if Albus just took what Sirius did seriously ( no pun intended ) he never would have been a death eater

- He has invented so many spells and potions that he never published due to the war and Albus telling him not to. Harry and Percy got them published in his honour and all money made went to help children in need

- Harry helped start a program with the ministry to help children in bad homes. Ie Tom Riddle, Severus Snape, and Himself. He named it the Severus Foundation. People were hesitant till he went on a rant that if somebody just gave a shit about Tom he wouldn’t have done what he did, it’s basically finding foster homes for these magical kids in the magical world, and a place like a orphanage for the ones not taken in by a family. They are treated super well and taken care of. Mostly school age kids who only spend 2 months there a year, Draco donated the manor to be used for the foundation

- He didn’t mind teaching the older students. Cause 6th and 7th years chose to be in that class and actually tried

- He has nightmares, about James and Sirius and his time as a death eater and his dad

- He HAS called Lilys Mom Mom before. First few times super embarrassed and then she started demanding it

- Lilys dad took awhile to like him but he eventually did and has only been called Dad once by Severus but it means the world to him

- They wished Lily Married Severus instead of James especially when James ruined Petunias wedding with magic

- Petunia invited Severus to the wedding but he couldn’t make it. Did send a wedding gift tho

- Momma Evans has “accidentally” called James Severus. On more then one occasion

- Severus wouldn’t have married Lily anyways he only saw her as a friend

- Eileen was killed in a car crash cause Tobias got drunk, he was hurt bad. Severus didn’t find out till months later when he got back from 6th year

- Petunia when describing James and Lily to Harry would say things Tobias and Eileen has done cause they were the worst people she knew

- Tobias was sentenced to life in jail cause he hit another in the process and all 3 died, two parents and their teen daughter

- Severus only visited once. Did not end well. Ended with Severus screaming he’s a monster and he hope he dies

- Tobias was killed in jail. He made some vague references that he should have beat Severus more and some of the other prisoners realized he’s a child abuser. He didn’t last a year into his life sentence

- Severus hated himself for mourning his dad when he found out 2 years later ( it’s a trauma thing)

- When Mr. and Mrs. Evans died Lily was in hiding and couldn’t go to the funeral. Petunia and Severus ( plus Vernon) did. They were almost friendly that day. Sad the last time they saw each other cause Petunia was living on Privet drive by then

- Petunia cried where no one can see her when she found out Severus had died, cause while he annoyed her. He was like a brother to her

- She has one photo of Lily and Severus in her house, it’s not framed or up. But in her bed side drawer

- Severus is allergic to Garlic. This did not help the vampire rumours

- His first three years of teaching sucked cause he went to school with some of his students and he had no confidence. It’s why he’s so aggressive. When he started out no one listened

- He’s ambidextrous

- He can speak almost ten languages fluently by his passing

- Luna painted his head masters portrait

- Draco was not his godson but he always tried to look out for him

- He was friendly with Regulus. They never used the word friends. This still pissed Sirius off

- Can and will Fall asleep in weird areas,

- Never thought he would live past the war so didn’t bother planing for it

- Does own a game boy

- Has re written the entire curriculum for Potions and Defense, Each year with its own book. Was perfected but never published. Harry and Minerva got them published. They are now standard use and has incredible pass rates in and out of Hogwarts

- While he and Albus were close a huge part of him couldn’t forgive him for letting Sirius off Scott free

- Doesnt like poetry. Doesn’t understand why ( okay I’m projecting with this one F poetry)

- Queens/ Freddie fan

- Has kept track of students that he thought would do well, has even sponsored a few who needed financial help in getting their potions mastery

- Luna was the weirdest student he’s ever taught. And his favourite,

- He has only had 4 favourite students, Luna, Percy, Fred, and George

- Luna always had a interesting take on potions and why certain ingredients did what they did, and would hand in potions that looked the wrong colour but did exactly what they were supposed to

- Fred and George would experiment with theirs. They didn’t care about the task but changing how the potion worked. And they would make one experiment and one normal one just so they could get that passing grad into Newt classes, they each got a owl in Potions,

- Percy would do what he did and fix the potions in his text books, he would brew without permission in a unused classroom Severus found him once and gave him permission to use a spot in the lab. Cause while he did break a rule he was one of the most serious students about Potions. He saw himself in Percy. A outcast. Treated poorly by his family and constantly bullied by his siblings. Percy was the most promising and engaging student he ever had. He offered to sponsor him and even said he could be his teacher for his potions mastery. Percy was over the moon. Till he tried to bring it up to his mom over Easter holidays and she started crying and guilting him into backtracking. He cried when he turned down Severus offer

- Severus comforted him and told him he could do what he feels best but that the offer is always open to him even if it’s years down the line

- He had a low key hate for Molly and Arthur cause Arthur never even realized Percy didn’t want to join the ministry

- Also when they stopped talking to Percy, he knew Percy didn’t leave cause he believed the Ministry but that he left cause his family without even his side declared him a traitor

- When Minerva went to clean out his rooms everything was packed and labeled. He knew he was gonna die

- In his Will, his chess set went to Minerva. Along with a few non potions books

- To Harry surprisingly he left a box full of pictures or stuff from Lily, he wrote about the kind of person she was. Truly was. Cause everyone always talked about James and Barely Lily. In the box was a big stack of pictures, a plushies seal, a few hair ties she gave Severus, and a few other nick nacks

- Most surprisingly he left everything else to Percy. His house, money and potions stuff ( like there was a lot of potions stuff and Severus wanted to make sure it ended up with someone who would not throw it out) everything. He left him a letter telling him to pursue his dreams cause if he only ever tries to make others happy he himself will never be

- Percy moved into the house, renovated it as it was falling apart, he started his potions mastery while working at the Ministry after the war. He kept the place from falling apart. They were scared when he quit to pursue potions. His mom tried to talk him out of it but he didn’t listen. He travelled and learned a lot. He opened his own potions business when he was 30. He named it Snapes.

- Severus was like a father to him and he hopes he made him proud

- It was Percy who brought attention to the books and unpublished works, they sold the potions through his shop,

- Him and Percy are Autistic with Potions as their Special interest

- A lot of places got named after him. The Snape Foundations. Snapes potions. A wing in The hospital. 1/5 new potions buildings anywhere in Europe was called Snape

- He never cared for fame or fortune. Just potions and spell making

- He would have been so proud of Percy for all he’s accomplished and who he’s become

- He doesn’t regret dying. He has a lot of regrets but dying to help another is not one

Hope y’all liked these head cannons!!

#severus snape #harry potter #severus #albus dumbledore #Percy Weasley #minerva mcgonagall #Fred #George #Luna love good #Tobias #elieen #Evans Lily #headcannons #he was also a virgin

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bitsandbobsofwriting · 3 years ago

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5 times Merlin noticed Arthur’s odd reactions to things,

+1 time he could start on the road to helping.

TW: Graphic descriptions of child abuse, claustrophobia, panic attacks/flashbacks/disassociating.

Merlin notices things. He always has done, ever since he was a child. Maybe it was the magic, maybe it was the ingrained fear of being snuck up on (as a Bastard child, as a citizen of Essetir, and as someone with magic) or maybe it was just some odd, innate skill. It doesn’t really matter: Merlin is observant, he has keen eyes, which is why he notices Arthur’s sudden change in disposition.

It was a normal afternoon, Arthur and Merlin had just gotten back from the first hunt of the spring and were filling The King in on how it had gone. Well... Arthur was, Merlin was just sort of stood there.

The servant was annoyed that Arthur had dragged him along, both to the hunt and to the meeting, but The Prince had been so excited (not that he showed it too much) at the prospect of telling his father how well everything went, he conceded easily. It was rare that Arthur got his father’s approval; Merlin had only been serving him for a few months, so maybe it was stupid of him to want to see Arthur happy, but oh well. He may be a prat, but he meant well and he loved his people, he deserved a little happiness occasionally.

Uther was in fact proud, and Merlin had better luck than Arthur at holding his grin in, though that changed quickly.

Arthur was looking out of the window and making casual comments on when he planned on going out next, and Uther, stepping quietly without even realising it, manages to move to the space just behind him without Arthur noticing. He claps a firm, but proud hand on Arthur’s shoulder, and if Merlin hadn’t known that Arthur would deny it later, he would accuse him of jumping a foot in the air. He turns around quickly, eyes wide and barely focusing as Uther gives his son another congratulations, as well as a terse “Make sure you keep it up.”

The sudden tightness in Arthur’s shoulders and his clear discomfort at having Uther so close do not go unnoticed by Merlin and he frowns, making a split second decision that could very well get him put in the stocks:

“Sorry to interrupt, My Lords, but The Prince mentioned wanting to join the evening patrol. Sir Leon and his partner will be leaving shortly.”

Uther whips his head around disapprovingly, and his anger at Merlin for interrupting whatever it was he was about to say translates to a tightened grip on Arthur’s shoulder. The Prince flinches slightly, but carefully steps away from The King, speaking before he can order the servant punished:

“Right you are, Merlin. If you’re happy for me to take my leave, father?”

Uther looks back to his son, confused, but approving of Arthur’s sudden eagerness to join extra patrols:

“Very well. I expect you to keep up the hard work, Arthur, I shall be disappointed if you start slacking again.”

Arthur nods and bows, but doesn’t say anything, his jittery demeanour getting worse with The King’s vaguely threatening tone. He walks stiffly from the room, and Merlin follows with a confused frown, making sure to keep his distance and step loudly on the stone floor; apparently Arthur was feeling jumpy today.

Arthur, still in his armour, leads them down to the courtyard where Sir Leon and another knight were indeed preparing to leave. The Prince doesn’t say anything to Merlin, simply nods in his direction before joining the others, and Merlin thinks he must have done the right thing if Arthur wasn’t shouting at him for giving him extra work that he hadn’t intended to do.

He stores this new, odd information in his mind for future reference, reminding himself to stay away from The Prince’s back and warn him of anyone approaching.

The next thing Merlin notices doesn’t come from a specific incident, more from a series of odd happenings over time.

When Arthur had been released from the dungeons after Merlin’s miraculous survival from being poisoned, he was a mess. At the time, Merlin had smugly suggested that it was because Arthur was worried about him; his hair was similar to a bird’s nest, as if The Prince had been running his hands through it and pulling it on a near constant basis, and the shirt he was wearing frankly stunk of sweat.

Arthur had rolled his eyes at that and slunk off to sulk in his chambers—once Gaius had assured him Merlin would be fine—and the young servant had taken that as confirmation.

The first time Merlin actually witnesses Arthur’s quick, shallow breath and wide panicked eyes, they’re rushing through the narrow servant corridors. The Prince’s grip on his sword looks uncomfortably tight and the sweat on his brow seems a little odd: they weren’t running that fast. Merlin figures that Arthur is just stressed out from trying to catch the sneaky arsehole assassin who was trying to do in as many councilmen as he could before getting away.

Which is an understandable thing to be stressed about.

Merlin only takes actual note of it when, after the assassin had gotten away, The King had demanded Arthur retrace his footsteps back through the castle to see if the criminal had dropped anything or hidden anywhere. Arthur practically freezes up at that, his wide eyes and pale skin making Merlin frown in confusion, only for his frown to deepen when Arthur stutters through his suggestion of having another knight lead the internal search whilst Arthur heads out into the city.

The relief on Arthur’s face when Uther agrees is, though brief and immediately hidden, immense.

Merlin thinks back on the state Arthur had been in after he’d quested for Merlin’s cure. Perhaps... perhaps Arthur had been such a mess because he had spent a night in the dungeons, and not because he had been worried about Merlin.

As much as Arthur might like to think Merlin’s an idiot, the servant makes quick connections, pieces things together easily, like a children’s puzzle. At least when it comes to Arthur.

The servant is also reminded of the way Arthur insists that Merlin leave a few candles lit in the evening. At first, Merlin thought it was because Arthur was sneaking out of bed to get more paperwork done (Uther may rarely see it, but Arthur works ridiculously hard), but he checked the paperwork one morning and nothing had been added or altered. Then he though that it was maybe so Arthur could see any attackers coming in the night, because he was paranoid like that, but the candles always burnt out after a couple hours anyway, so it wasn’t like they were lasting through the night.

Merlin figures he was probably just reading into things too much (plus, he knows that accusing Arthur of being afraid of the dark or tight spaces would get him nothing but a slap up the head and, depending on The Prince’s mood, a visit to the stocks), though Arthur refusing to stay in Merlin’s tiny bedroom for any longer than necessary, and insisting on multiple torches being lit whenever they ventured into caves, forces Merlin to reconsider.

It was after one such adventure in one such cave that Merlin took advantage of the castle’s funds being available to him, and heads down to the market to buy some larger candles (and if he cast a spell to make them last longer... well... no one needed to know). Arthur gives him an odd look when he walks into The Prince’s chambers that evening and begins setting up and lighting them without acknowledgement; Merlin answers his questioning hum without looking at him:

“I know you like to be able to see just in case attackers make it into your chambers: these ones should last all the way until the morning. I set up a standing order with a merchant in the lower town.”

Arthur frowns confusedly, knowing that no one had managed to sneak into his chambers in months; it was definitely odd that Merlin had suddenly decided that this was a good idea. Still, Merlin doesn’t look back at him as he casually moves around the room, lighting the new candles and hoping that Arthur wouldn’t notice him leaving the curtains open by about an inch. He notices, though he doesn’t mention it in his response:

“Hmm. It seems you’re finally putting that brain of yours to use, Merlin.”

Merlin finally turns to look at him, glaring half-heartedly as he sarcastically laughs. Arthur just grins at him, glancing at the strip of moonlight on the floor for only a moment before climbing into his bed, muttering for Merlin to go ahead and get an early night.

From then on, Merlin packs extra torches in his pack when they go adventuring, and if he has room, a candle, in case they end up in an inn. If Arthur notices any of that, or the fact that Merlin always opens the window whenever they’re in the tiny Physician’s chambers for more than five minutes and always keeps him company on the now-rare nights Uther is angry enough to lock Arthur in the dungeons... well... neither of them point it out.

The next odd reaction doesn’t happen until years later.

Of course Merlin keeps noticing Arthur’s aversion to surprise touch (especially from knights and his father) and general dislike of the dark/closed spaces, but dealing with it and adjusting to make things easier just sort of becomes part of their routine, without either of them really realising.

Arthur has been King for a few weeks when it happens. It's warm, too warm for armour, so the roundtable knights are practicing their hand to hand instead of using swords and shields. Arthur usually sits out for these lessons, teaching and observing from the side-lines as opposed to taking part in spars. Merlin had always thought it was odd, but the one and only time he had brought it up, years ago, Arthur had forced him to join in on the lessons. He had a lot of bruises that day.

But today was not a usual day apparently; Arthur joined in. He seemed reluctant at first, like he was unsure if he actually wanted to, but his first weeks as King had been going well and he’d had a successful meeting with some of his Lords the previous day, so he’s in a good mood. He finally caves when Lancelot offers to spar with him; there was something about the gentle man that just makes everyone in his vicinity feel a little more at ease.

The sun was shining, but heavy rain the previous week means the grass was bright and soft; all in all, it was a lovely day, but Merlin’s focus was still on Arthur and the way he and Lance dance around each other. All the knights were holding their strength back a little, the purpose of sparring is rarely to go all out, but practicing form and technique and footwork is always a good idea.

Arthur falls into the rhythm of the spar, dodging and side-stepping and blocking with ease, neither he nor Lance were eager to speed things up in the heat. He was moving automatically, running on instincts and just a little bit of adrenaline, which is probably why he freezes up when confronted with something so terrifyingly familiar.

A glint of sunlight off something metallic caches his eye, and his gaze moves away from the fight for barely a split-second, but when he looks back all he can see is shortly cropped brown hair, a bright red tunic, and a fist swinging for his face.

Lancelot yelps when Arthur doesn’t block like he had expected him to, and Merlin is sprinting over before The King’s head has even finished rocking to the side. The other knights go to crowd closer, worried for their leader, but Merlin waves them off harshly and they keep their distance, trusting him. Lancelot looks horrified, but dutifully steps back as Merlin puts one hand on Arthur’s shoulder and uses the other to tilt his chin from side to side.

Merlin’s frown deepens when Arthur just lets himself be manhandled. Even in his worst injuries he was reluctant to let people check him over; Merlin quickly notices his wide eyes staring vacantly and the breathing that was far deeper than it really should be. He tries to get The King to look at him as he speaks lowly, so the others can’t hear him:

“Arthur? You with me?”

Arthur gulps, blinking rapidly and meeting his gaze, though Merlin can tell that he still isn’t really seeing:

“I... I’m sorry, I... I didn’t mean... I wasn’t...”

Merlin can only just hear Arthur’s whispers, and he’s grateful for the fact that the others definitely can’t hear them. He moves the hand on Arthur’s shoulder down to grip the other man’s hand and squeezes, and uses the other to shield his eyes from the sun as he mutters:

“Arthur, it’s Merlin, you’re out on the training field with members of the Roundtable, it’s late Spring, and you were crowned King three weeks ago. Arthur?”

It’s only then that Arthur’s eyes come into focus.

Merlin has never been grateful to have the bones in his hands almost break, and he doubts he’ll ever be grateful for it again. Merlin’s squeezes back, digging his nails in just a little as a subtle “please don’t break my hand”. Arthur loosens his grip and Merlin raises his eyebrow slightly in question; the blonde groans slightly and lifts a shaking hand to rub his eyes:

“What happened?”

Merlin glances at the huddle of knights behind him and gives them a reassuring smile before he looks back to Arthur, speaking so everyone can hear:

“You took quite the well placed hit from Lance, got a mild concussion and lost yourself for a minute. You’ll probably be fine by this evening, but I want to get you in the shade just in case, ok?”

Arthur seems surprised at the explanation, but nods wordlessly, letting Merlin guide him up towards the castle without a fuss. That just worries Merlin more, and he speeds up slightly as he yells over his shoulder:

“Leon’s in charge!”

Leon just chuckles, knowing that Merlin wouldn’t be paying them the slightest bit of attention if Arthur was even close to being seriously injured, but Gwaine just tilts his head and frowns:

“I love the guy but since when does Merlin decide who’s in charge? If he had said Elyan was in charge would we have just... gone with it?”

Leon shoves him playfully and tells him to get back to work, giving Lancelot a comforting pat on the shoulder as they all look away from the servant-King duo.

Merlin doesn’t take Arthur to the physician’s chambers, but goes to The King’s bedchamber instead; Arthur wasn’t actually concussed, but his mind had been elsewhere for a moment, so much so that he hadn’t recognised Merlin and spoke to him as if he were someone else. He sits The King down on the edge of the bed and kneels in front of him, hands on his knees as he frowns:

“Arthur? Still with me, or gone again?”

Arthur takes in a sharp breath, making eye contact with Merlin again as he straightens his back and answers confidently, his voice wavering only slightly:

“Yeah, yes, I’m with you. Sorry, lost in thought. I don’t feel concussed, are you sure?”

Merlin nods and stands up, leaving Arthur on the bed as he moves to open the window and get him a goblet of water:

“Hmm, I lied, I don’t think you are either, you weren’t hit that hard to be honest, but you weren’t really... with it, thought it best to get you away from the others.-”

He turns around the see Arthur tense and angry-looking, though Merlin gets the distinct impression that it’s not aimed at him:

“-You probably just got dazed by the hit, that and you’re overtired, you’ve been staying up late the last few nights. Drink this, maybe have a nap, or at least stay out of the sunlight for a few hours, you’ll definitely be getting a headache at some point soon and I don’t want you to make it worse.”

He hands over the goblet of water, holding it slightly out of Arthur’s reach so the other man has to stand for it. He manages to stand on his own two feet with no issue, and the shaking in his hands is lesser than it was before, though not gone entirely, so Merlin makes a mental list of all the chores that he could finish here, in Arthur’s presence. The King drinks the water absent-mindedly, leaving the goblet on the side table as he mutters:

“Overtired... yeah, probably.”

He wanders towards his desk, collapsing in the seat and staring half-heartedly at the paperwork spread all over the place. Merlin relaxes slightly, deciding that maybe there was a reason Arthur never joined in on hand-to-hand.

Merlin wasn’t fond of Arthur’s current visitor, Lord Algere, but he was pleased to note that Arthur didn’t seem all that fond of him either. He was an old supporter of Uther’s, which meant the occasional snide remark about how Uther would’ve handled certain situations differently, followed by deferential admissions of being “a close friend and advisor to the former King.”.

He was just friendly and kiss-ass enough that he couldn’t be kicked from court, that Arthur still had to be polite to him, but he rubbed pretty much everyone up the wrong way and Merlin couldn’t wait until he left to go back to his estate, thankfully situated on the furthest edge of the Kingdom.

It's the day before he’s due to leave when he says it:

“You remind me of your father a great deal, you know, you’re very similar.”

Arthur freezes up at the so-called compliment, but recovers quickly, giving the Lord a tight smile before excusing himself so he wouldn’t be late for the city border patrol he was undertaking. Normally Merlin didn’t go with him on these patrols, he’d only be gone for a couple hours at most and he was joined by a partner; it gave Merlin time to finish up some chores, but the servant felt the need to be there today.

The King is silent the entire time, which is unusual considering he's riding alongside Sir Leon today, and those two always have something official to talk about. He doesn’t even spare Merlin an annoyed glance when the servant drops his bag and has to dismount to pick it up, only halts and waits for him to catch up again. Though he's sure The King had relaxed slightly at the beginning of the patrol, when Merlin mentioned that he fancied tagging along, and if Merlin weren’t so worried he’d be immensely proud at his apparent ability to put Arthur at ease.

Leon gives Merlin a worried grimace as they ride back into the citadel, but Merlin shakes his head and smiles, his meaning of “I’ll deal with it, I’m sure he’s fine” obvious in the action. The two of them have gotten quite good at silently communicating over the years, God forbid Arthur find out that they were trying to look after him.

They made the journey up to Arthur’s chambers in continued silence, though Merlin really starts to really worry when Arthur just wanders over to the window and stares down into the courtyard. He only does that when he’s feeling particularly pensive. Merlin lays out the work he knows Arthur had wanted to get done this afternoon and perches on the edge of the desk, facing Arthur’s back with his arms crossed:

“Arthur, you alright? You’ve been quiet.”

Arthur nods, but doesn’t turn away from the window, staying silent. Merlin purses his lips, but it doesn’t take him long to figure out what he thinks might be wrong. He moves across the room and sits himself down at the dining table, casually starting on the polishing he had left there earlier as he speaks, trying to keep his tone as neutral and absent-minded as possible:

“I’ve no clue what Algere was talking about earlier, he either knows nothing about you, or didn’t know your father nearly as much as he says he did.”

Arthur finally turns from the window, fixing a curious frown on Merlin, who forces himself to keep his gaze down:

“What makes you say that?”

Merlin still doesn’t look up, but knows that he’s on the right track. Arthur has been able to admit, especially recently with his changing opinions on magic, that his father was not a good man, though he still struggles to admit that he wasn’t a good father:

“Well, from what I’ve seen, you look way more like your mother than you do Uther, and you don’t act like him at all, you haven’t picked up on any of his mannerisms or anything.-”

The servant finally looks up at Arthur, his words true but his nonchalance false as he continues with a confused frown:

“-To be honest, I’ve always thought you act more like an odd mix of Leon and Morgana. You’ve definitely got Leon’s sense of chivalry and respect and his knightly traits, but your... how do I say... fiery attitude when it comes to your sense of right and wrong, that’s definitely Morgana. Uther was quick to anger, you’ve got fairly good control of your anger nowadays. Uther was set in his ways and refused to change no matter the consequences, you bend traditions all the time, improve things in ways that Uther would never have dreamed of doing.-”

The servant shrugs and looks back down to his polishing:

“-I just don’t see the similarities, and I certainly know you better than Algere. I’ve a feeling I knew Uther better than Algere as well.”

Arthur hums non-committedly, but sits down at his desk instead of turning back to the window. Merlin feels the tension leave his shoulders, but doesn’t relax fully when he notices Arthur staring at his folded hands instead of working. Apparently it had only partially worked:

“Arthur?”

He doesn’t look up, just shuffles slightly in his eat as he lowly answers:

“Do you think I might... turn out like him? In the end? People say he was kind and gentle when he was young. If... if I ever have children...”

The question goes unasked, but the fear in his voice is palpable, and Merlin has to stop himself from sprinting from the room to burn every painting of Uther he can find. Instead, he puts the armour down on the table softly and stands, making sure to step loudly and clear his throat as he leans against the edge of Arthur’s desk again:

“Arthur, you’re a wonderful King, a wonderful knight, a wonderful man, and I guarantee that one day you’ll be a wonderful father. Don’t stress, you’ve out done your father in every other aspect of your life, I’m sure you’ll continue to do so.”

Arthur looks up at Merlin with a slight frown on his face, though it’s more thoughtful than anything. Merlin holds his gaze with a soft smile for a few moments, content to wait for Arthur to give him some sort of cue; Arthur just rolls his eyes and shoves him from the table, picking up a quill and finally beginning to actually work:

“Try not to insult the former King too much in one sitting, Merlin. And that armour won’t polish itself.”

Merlin just laughs quietly and moves back to the table, understanding and accepting that that was probably the best he was going to get. He makes a mental note to mention Arthur’s similarities to Leon next time the three of them are together; Arthur will be relieved, though he won’t show it, and Leon will be flattered beyond words.

He dares not do it with Morgana. Both of them would be secretly be pleased, though they’d kick up one hell of a fuss trying to deny it.

Thankfully, the two of them are in Arthur’s chambers when it happens.

Merlin’s not entirely sure he could use the “concussion” excuse like he did last time, not with the length of time it lasted.

It’s late, the curtains are drawn—with the traditional inch wide gap allowing a strip of moonlight to fall across the floor and over Arthur’s bed—and Arthur’s special candles have been lit. He’d been made aware of the spell Merlin had cast on them a few months ago, and though he was annoyed that Merlin had put himself at such risk, he hadn’t asked him to remove the spell, which the servant took as a good sign (both that Arthur wasn’t too mad about the magic, and that it had been a good idea).

The King sits at his desk, doing his normal pile of evening paperwork and trying to fit in as much as he can before Merlin snatches it away and manhandles him into bed, Merlin who is generally pottering around the room tidying. Arthur thinks of it more as just... moving the mess around, but he let’s him be; Merlin’s quiet company is much appreciated, especially with all the difficulties Arthur is having with repealing the ban on magic.

The King lets out a deep sigh, sitting back in his chair and tiredly rubbing his eyes. Merlin notices, because of course he does, and wanders over, a concerned frown on his face as he sits in the chair opposite him:

“You alright? Hit a snag?”

Arthur hums but shakes his head, opening his eyes but staying slumped in his seat; Merlin makes plans to get him to bed at some point in the next half candle mark at least:

“Hmm. No, just tired. This whole thing is draining, I wish I could just force them to see sense.”

Merlin knew that the them Arthur speaks of is the council. Currently, The King has about half of them on side, not including Leon, Morgana, and Gaius, but they need a majority by a significant margin before they can move forward, and Arthur refuses to act in any way that isn’t democratic.

Merlin nods, smiling softly at his lap as Arthur closes his eyes again:

“This is what it means to be King, Arthur,-”

At first, Merlin doesn’t notice the way Arthur’s eyes fly open, nor the way he slowly sits up straight, nor the way his shoulders tighten and his skin grows pale and his eyes go vacant.

“-but I think you’re doing great, don’t be too hard on... Arthur? Are you alright?”

Merlin frowns when he finally looks up to see The King sitting ramrod straight and staring into the middle distance, his breathing ragged and his blue eyes glassy and unseeing. He stands slowly, moving around to Arthur’s side to crouch there and wave a hand in front of his face.

He doesn’t react.

Merlin shakes his shoulder slightly, hesitating only momentarily before touching him, but even then, Arthur doesn’t respond. The servant gulps, glancing over his shoulder at the door to make sure it was locked before touching a hand to Arthur’s forehead and muttering a spell; he normally uses this spell to wake up unconscious people, but it has no effect on The King other than sending a slight shiver through his body.

Merlin calls his name a few times, but it expectedly has no effect. He tries to test Arthur’s pain awareness by pinching the underside of his arm, and whilst he flinches away slightly, he doesn’t come to, still stares blankly at the opposite wall. Merlin thinks of calling for the guards and asking for Gaius, but somehow he doesn’t think the elderly physician will be able to help; there was no magic at play here, and he certainly hadn’t been poisoned. In all honestly he just looked a little zoned out, like the time Merlin had lied about the concussion, except it was clearly lasting longer this time.

Merlin frowns but tries his best to keep the panic at bay, it had only been a few minutes now, but other than breathing Arthur hadn’t moved an inch.

The servant takes a deep, relaxing breath, or at least what he hoped would be a relaxing breath. It’s not. He uses magic to slide Arthur’s chair away from the desk slightly, and moves into the space it leaves, shuffling all of the paperwork away and leaning on the edge. Once again, he puts one hand on Arthur’s shoulder, and takes his hand with the other, squeezing slightly.

He waits.

After another ten minutes or so, Arthur’s breathing gets slightly more frantic, and he begins squeezing Merlin’s hand back. Merlin moves closer, crouching in between Arthur’s legs and shaking his shoulder again, but he stops when Arthur begins muttering:

“Didn’t... I... I’m sorry. Not my.... didn’t... didn’t mean to... sorry... disappointment...”

Merlin’s frown deepens at the barely audible whispers, especially when he notices the tears gathering in Arthur’s eyes. He shakes his shoulder again and forces himself to speak, just about managing to keep the waiver from his voice:

“Arthur, there’s no one else here, it’s just you and me, it’s just us, just Arthur and Merlin. It’s the evening in late Autumn, it’s almost time for bed, you sparred with Percival this morning and had a long, annoying council meeting this afternoon. You’re sat at your desk in your chambers with me, no one else.”

Arthur’s eyes come into focus, slowly at first and then all at once. He blinks and stands suddenly, almost tipping his chair backwards in his haste as he reaches a hand to his sword-less hip. Merlin moves back quickly, grimacing as he bumps harshly into the desk. Arthur’s gaze whips around the room desperately, as if searching for a danger that he was certain was there, before his eyes finally land on Merlin. The servant holds his hands out placatingly, not relaxing even as Arthur takes a deep breath and seems to calm down.

The King slumps back in his seat, rubbing the tears from his eyes with shaking hands; Merlin crouches down again, but doesn’t dare touch him, not quite yet:

“Arthur?”

His head whips up, but he relaxes again when he sees Merlin sat in front of him:

“Yes, sorry, I... must of dozed off or something.”

Merlin frowns, but nods one, speaking slowly, his tone low and even:

“Hmm. Must’ve, you looked like you were having a nightmare or something so I woke you. Time for bed, I think.”

For once, Arthur actually agrees with him, not bothering to argue like normal as he stands on shaking legs and heads to where Merlin has neatly laid his sleeping clothes on the bed. Merlin’s concerned gaze follows him, but he doesn’t move too far from the desk, deciding that he and Gaius definitely need to have a chat about... whatever the hell that was.

Half a candle mark later, Arthur is quietly wishing his manservant a good night and dismissing him. He was obviously distracted, Merlin normally can’t be frowning for more than thirty seconds before The King is hounding him about what’s wrong, but thirty minutes pass with not a question from Arthur, and Merlin makes his way to the Physician’s Chambers hoping that Gaius is still awake.

Thankfully, the elderly physician is still pottering around, tidying away various bits and pieces and generally preparing the room for a new day tomorrow. He immediately notices Merlin’s peculiar mood and gestures for the younger man to sit opposite him at the table:

“What’s bothering you, my boy?”

Merlin sits slowly, biting his lip and trying to decide just how honest to be:

“What does it mean if someone... zones out, completely, for extended periods of time?”

Gaius raises an eyebrow:

“I’m going to need a little more than that, Merlin.”

Merlin huffs but nods, shuffling in his seat slightly but responding:

“I was with someone earlier today. We were just chatting whilst we worked and suddenly they just... weren’t there anymore. Stiff, eyes glazed over, ragged breathing. They responded slightly to pain but it didn’t snap them out of it and they just... sat there, utterly blankly, for about twenty minutes. Eventually they started muttering to themselves, but it didn’t make any sense, then they... woke up, I guess, and thought they had fallen asleep. They definitely weren’t asleep, but they weren’t... I don’t know, conscious?”

Gaius frowns but nods, clutching his hands tightly on the table as he explains, his voice grave:

“Hmm. Sounds like an extended disassociation episode. I gather that I’m not to be told who this was?-”

Merlin shakes his head slightly, and though he looks slightly annoyed, Gaius nods and continues:

“-This happens mostly to people who experience something extremely traumatic, though it also happens in victims of extended abuse, especially if the abuse was in childhood, the younger the victim, the worse the reaction. Occasionally it can happen randomly, though it’s mostly triggered by something in their surrounding environment.”

Merlin’s frown deepens, and Gaius would easily hazard a guess at saying he looks angry. He doesn’t point it out though, just waits for his ward to continue:

“What can trigger it? And what other symptoms will child abuse victims display?”

Gaius takes another deep breath, but slowly responds:

“Anything can be a trigger really, something they see or smell or hear, something someone else does or says.-”

(”This is what it means to be King, Arthur,-” pops into Merlin’s head.)

“-As for other symptoms, aversion to touch, occasionally fear of being alone, OR fear of being in another’s presence. Some experience trouble with regulating strong emotions, difficulty in regulating long term relationships, platonic or otherwise, trouble with self-esteem. It varies from person to person, there is no strict list of obvious signs. Might I ask... why?”

Merlin shakes his head and stands, moving towards his bedroom with clenched hands and tight shoulders. Just before he shuts the door behind him, he turns to look at Gaius over his shoulder, brow furrowed and voice low:

“What... what was Uther like? When Arthur was a child?”

Gaius closes his eyes briefly, letting out a weary sigh and trying his best to hold in his grief:

“Strict, extremely difficult to please. He never... he never hit Arthur, not in public anyway, though it wouldn’t surprise me if he was violent privately. As a child, The Prince was terrified of the dark, and the dungeons. I got the impression that Uther forced him down there on more than one occasion. Arthur is... the one your concerned about?”

Gaius knows the answer, but it doesn’t stop the tears from welling in his eyes when Merlin wordlessly nods before shutting the door behind him.

+1)

A few weeks have passed since Merlin had figured it all out.

He didn’t dare bring it up to Arthur, and shuts the conversation down any time Gaius mentions it. The conversation is for Arthur, and Arthur only, and Merlin wasn’t going to force it.

Besides, they’ve been extremely busy with the transitions; The Kingdom was going from anti-magic to pro-magic, and Merlin was going from servant to a member of court. Arthur had tried to force nobility onto him as well as his position as Court Sorcerer, but Merlin had put his foot down at that, insisting that he wouldn’t become some stuck up wealthy arsehole, not even if his life was on the line.

Gwaine, Elyan, Percival, Gwen, and Morgana had grinned at that, Arthur and Lancelot rolled their eyes, Mordred continued to insist on calling him “My Lord” anyway, and Leon had looked marginally affronted as he mumbled something along the lines of “I’m a Lord you know, technically.”.

They aren’t lucky this time around, and it all comes to an explosive head in a quiet, though still habited corridor in the middle of the afternoon.

Afterwards, Merlin absent-mindedly considers the fact that they could’ve been in the courtyard or the throne room or somewhere equally busy, and thanks the Gods for just this little bit of luck; only two servants, one guard, and the... the noble and his son were in the corridor at the time.

Arthur and Merlin are making their way to the council room, preparing themselves for a busy meeting: it was the first since magic was officially legalised, and the first that Merlin (and Gwen, though that was another matter entirely) would officially be sitting in on. Though, in all honesty, pretty much the whole Kingdom knew that Merlin had been advising Arthur privately for years.

Merlin frowns and Arthur stiffens slightly as they spot the noble gripping his young son’s collar and aggressively whispering at him. The boy can’t be more than ten summers old, but the tears in his eyes display his utter terror clearly enough; no child should ever have to be that scared, especially not of their parents. Merlin resigns himself to just magicking the pig’s trousers down when no one was looking his way, but barely a second after he makes that decision the man raises his hand, and slaps the boy across the face.

Everyone in the corridor freezes as the boy cries out, and the noble doesn’t seem to notice the way the guard looks frantically between him and The King, waiting for instruction, or the way the servants and Merlin were staring, horrified. Arthur breaks out of his shocked stupor first, striding towards him with his fist already raised and his eyes blazing:

“How fucking DARE you?!”

His knuckles make violent contact with the man’s mouth, and the spray of blood from a busted lip and loosened teeth is what spurs Merlin into action. He runs forward, scooping the distraught boy up in his arms and quickly handing him over to one of the servants:

“Take him to Gaius, swear that you will not utter a word of this to anyone bar the Court Physician?”

His eyes flash golden as the servants’ both nod, and they rush off in the direction of the Physician’s chambers. Merlin, satisfied that they will be unable to break their promise, turns next to the guard, momentarily ignoring the way Arthur has shoved the bleeding noble against the stone wall:

“Fetch the Lady Morgana and Guinevere and tell them to go to Gaius and the boy, stay with them, swear that you will inform no one bar those three what has happened?”

The guard nods, understanding the magic implicitly as Merlin’s eyes flash gold again. He spares The King and his deserving victim one last glance before running towards Morgana’s chambers.

Merlin turns, finally, to Arthur, almost-but-not-quite recoiling at the tears on his cheeks as he lands another punch to the noble’s jaw. His face is black and blue at this point, and Merlin pulls Arthur back just as he raises his fist again; he thrashes in his grip, but quickly sags as his breathing deepens. The noble falls to the floor, unconscious in all likelihood, and Merlin clicks his fingers, banishing him to the dungeons with nothing but a shower of golden sparks.

Arthur breathes deeply, leaning all of his weight on Merlin as he clamps his un-bruised hand over his mouth, his wide eyes staring intensely at where the boy had been stood moments before. He doesn’t respond to Merlin’s calls, and with another flash of gold, they disappear, reappearing in Arthur’s bed chamber.

Merlin shoots Mordred a quick message over their mental link as he lowers Arthur to the floor, leaning him against the edge of the bed and moving around to be crouched in front of him. The King’s breathing has gotten dangerously deep and dangerously fast, the tears streaming down his face as his hands clench and unclench around nothing. Merlin quickly intertwines their fingers in an effort to stop Arthur hurting himself, but that just freaks the other man out even more as he desperately scrambles to get away from the contact.

Merlin lets go and moves back, eyes wide and desperate as he watches Arthur bring his knees up to his chest, burying his head in his arms and rocking slightly. His cries are muffled, but Merlin can still hear the heart wrenching sound; the Warlock takes a moment to breath before he stealthily moves around the room, lighting candles, locking the door, and shutting the curtains (bar an inch), before moving back to sit beside Arthur, a foot or so of space between them.

After a few minutes of no change, Merlin starts humming. He can’t remember any of the words, but it’s an old lullaby his mum used to sing when he couldn’t sleep, when he was scared of his own magic and his own friends and every shadow that moved in the dark. Arthur’s breathing slows, though he still hiccups occasionally, and Merlin rests his hand on the stone floor between them: an offer, not a demand.

Arthur doesn’t take it, instead shuffling over to lean his head on Merlin’s shoulder. Merlin freezes, not daring to put his arm around the other man as he continues to hum; he must’ve circled back and restarted the same song six, seven, eight times before Arthur nuzzles in further and sniffs before muttering:

“You’ve a good voice, Merlin.”

Merlin huffs a gentle laugh, leaning his head on top of Arthur’s softly as he quietly replies:

“Runs in the family, my mother used to sing to me, though I don’t really know any other tunes I’m afraid.”

Arthur nods, but doesn’t reply, turning into Merlin’s chest slightly as the Warlock hesitatingly wraps his arms around the other man; he stops being so hesitant when he notices Arthur’s eagerness. Merlin pulls him close, sighing but letting Arthur settle in before he says anything. In the back of his mind, he’s aware of the pain shooting up his spine at being sat on the stone floor for so long, but he decides he doesn’t really care, if this is what Arthur needs.

After a few more minutes, he rubs his cheek into Arthur’s soft hair and speaks, his voice gentle and loving:

“Feeling better?”

Arthur stiffens slightly, but quickly relaxes, nodding into Merlin’s chest and mumbling:

“The boy?”

Merlin smiles at Arthur’s worry:

“Safe. He’s with Gaius, Morgana, and Gwen, under protective guard.”

Arthur nods again, tightening his hold on Merlin’s tunic:

“And his... father?”

“Bloodied up and locked in the dungeons, far away from his son. Mordred let the guards know that he is not to leave under any circumstances, told the council that the meeting had been postponed until further notice, and then went to relieve the guard in the Physician’s chambers.”

The King relaxes, and so does Merlin, though only slightly, he knows that this is where that terrifying conversation has opportunity to rear it’s ugly head:

“Arthur, are we going to talk about this?-”

He rushes to carry on when Arthur’s breath hitches and his hands pull on Merlin’s tunic slightly:

“-You can say no, Arthur. I swear, I will never, ever ask, not if you don’t want me to.”

Arthur doesn’t relax, but he shakes his head, gulping before replying, his voice thick:

“No, it’s fine, I should probably... talk about it, right? Morgana is always on my arse about being less repressed or whatever.-”

Merlin nods, but doesn’t say anything, stroking his fingers through Arthur’s hair rhythmically. Arthur lets out a deep breath, humming contentedly at the gesture and leaning even more into it:

“-My father was... difficult to please. His default was anger, no matter what, and it was... rare, for him to be anything but furious. He never... not in public, and never left marks where anyone could see.-”

Merlin struggles against the urge to hit someone (preferably Uther, though unfortunately he was dead. He supposes Uther’s old supporters would do in a pinch), but he makes do with taking a deep breath:

“-When he was especially furious he would lock me in a storage closet, or the dungeons. He... he would order that all the lights be put out, and all the windows covered, so I couldn’t see. Merlin I couldn’t see anything. I still... I can’t stand the dark, but I’m guess you figured that out?-”

Merlin knows that he’s referring to the candles and the perpetually open curtains and nods, humming in agreement:

“-How pathetic is that? A grown man, a King, afraid of the dark.”

Merlin tightens his grip on Arthur and shakes his head:

“It’s not pathetic, Arthur. It’s an automatic response, a defence mechanism that your brain puts in place to try and protect you from being re-traumatised. To this day, I’m terrified of fire, even though I have no reason to be anymore, even though it can’t hurt me as a Dragon Lord.”

Arthur gulps, but relaxes slightly, though his voice is quiet, almost ashamed as he continues:

“I can’t look at Lancelot’s turned back, I struggle to spar with him as well. He... he doesn’t even look anything like my father, he just... he always wears red and has the same hair as my father when he was younger and they’re the same height. Sometimes I feel like I’m a child again, everything around me just disappears and I’m back in that dungeon, or my father is stood over me screaming. How am I meant to be a good King when I’m scared of my own shadow?”

Merlin sighs, staying silent for a few minutes as he attempts to put an answer together in his mind. Arthur sniffles again, and Merlin is suddenly made aware of the wet patch where Arthur’s head rests on his tunic:

“I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, as many times as you want: you are a wonderful King. You’ve delivered a Golden Age upon this Kingdom, your friends love you, your people adore you. You’ve never just been a good King, Arthur, you’ve been the best this Kingdom, and this world, has ever seen.”

Arthur loosens his grip again but huffs a quiet laugh against Merlin’s chest, which the Warlock definitely counts as a win:

“Kiss-ass.”

Merlin laughs this time, though he doesn’t stop carding his fingers through Arthur’s hair:

“Nah, when have you ever known me to kiss ass? I speak only the truth, My Lord.”

They both fall silent again, and Arthur pulls away from Merlin’s chest. Merlin drops his arms immediately, not wanting to make the other man uncomfortable, but Arthur just takes one of his hands and goes back to sitting by his side, his head resting on Merlin’s shoulder. The silence is long, but comfortable, and it’s dark outside by the time Arthur speaks again:

“Merlin?-”

The Warlock doesn’t make a sound, but squeezes Arthur’s hand in acknowledgement:

“-I thanked you for all the big stuff: saving my life, and saving the Kingdom, and all that. But I never thanked you for the small stuff. The candles and the endless support and the excuses.”

Merlin frowns slightly in confusion, not that Arthur can see:

“Excuses?”

“You didn’t think I didn’t notice, did you? You started years and years ago. You always seemed to notice when being with... with my father, or the knights, or anyone really, was getting too much, you always had some excuse ready. Sometimes you outright lied, even if it would get you in trouble, just to get me away from people. I don’t know how you knew... no one else ever realised. Saying I had paperwork when I didn’t, or a patrol when I wasn’t scheduled for one, or a concussion just to give me some privacy. Thank you.”

Merlin smiles slightly, squeezing Arthur’s hand again:

“You were too busy looking after everyone else, someone had to look after you. I’m grateful it was me, Arthur, I-”

He pauses and sits up slightly straighter, though it doesn’t jostle Arthur too much. He lifts his head anyway, staring at Merlin in concern with tired eyes:

“Merlin?”

Merlin looks to him suddenly, but smiles:

“Hmm, sorry, just Mordred. Updating me on the kid and asking if you’re alright.-”

Arthur’s cheeks flush slightly, but Merlin’s smile grows as he shakes his head:

“-Don’t worry, no one knows about... this, just that you went berserk when you saw a Noble beating his kid, and punched his teeth out.”

Arthur relaxes and nods, humming thoughtfully as he looks to the floor. He stands up, wobbling only slightly after being curled up in the same position on a cold stone floor for several hours, and Merlin follows him confusedly:

“Do... do you want to go check in on them? The kid’s been asking after you apparently, wants to thank you.-”

Arthur looks conflicted, almost as if he were worrying that he wouldn’t actually be welcomed, so Merlin puts a hand on his shoulder and smiles, waiting until Arthur looks at him before continuing:

“-We can leave it until morning, if you like, but you saved that boy, Arthur, there’s nothing to worry about.”

Arthur nods, but doesn’t move until Merlin wipes his face clean with his sleeve and smooths out his clothes. If he uses a little magic to make the two of them more presentable, then neither of them mention it as they walk purposefully to the door.

Merlin looks to Arthur stood next to him, his hand hovering over the door handle:

“Ready?”

Arthur smiles at him, taking his hand and squeezing it, but not dropping it as he opens the door and steps into the corridor:

“Ready.”

THE END!!!

As angsty as it was, I really enjoyed writing that😅. I couldn’t help myself though, I had to give it a happy ending :D

I hope y’all enjoy reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it!! I love y’all!!

My Ko-Fi, which is where I post sneak peeks of upcoming works, check it out and consider donating!!

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alovelyburn · 2 years ago

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Rambles about the Golden Age Part 11

I really can’t believe I’m taking this long to do these. Anyway, let’s see if we can get through the end of Deluxe Volume 3

Rambles about the Golden Age Part 11

1. So, maybe this is a good place to talk about Guts’ journey and whether or not it was a bad idea. Because I usually see people refer to it either as, well, a shitty idea that results from a misunderstanding and ruined everything OR as a great thing he did and had every right to do and he just wants to break out on his own and be The Man.

And I think my perspective on this is a bit more mixed. Because yes it did arise from a misunderstanding and I do think it’s obvious that he isn’t confident that he wants to leave anyway - he wants to win Griffith over, he’s confident in that, but he’s already wondering if he’s doing the wrong thing even before the next morning. Plus, of course, he does eventually realize too late that the Hawks were the place he should have been the whole time after all.

But like, when he comes back he seems so happy. He’s found himself - he’s at peace with a lot of the things that had filled him with doubt and anxiety for all those years. And I think about how... Guts here is only 18 years old. This is the first thing he’s done as a healthier person and an adult - when he was wandering as a teenager he was a walking wound basically. And Griffith, as much as Guts loves and admires him, is an extremely overbearing presence - he’s one of those people who walks into a room and all the energy in the room just coalesces around him. My point being that Guts probably did need that time to come to a peace with himself and figure out who he is and what he wants.

...but at the same time, the way he left was quite cruel, wasn’t it? Not intentionally, of course - he didn’t think it was that big a deal, because he didnt realize how much Griffith loved and needed him. And as i said last time, it doesn’t make sense to tell the guy you’re trying to impress that what you’re doing is meant to impress him, because that’s not impressive. Even so, if you turn that perspective around and look at it from Griffith’s side, it was sudden, unexplained, confusing and heartwrenching - not to mention it ended up triggering Griffith’s problems as well, so....

Long story short, to quote @zombiesgohome, “he had to leave to even begin to understand why he shouldn’t have left.” Because as long as he never tried being away from them, he always would have wondered - is this where I belong? Is this the answer I was looking for? And if things hadn’t gone off the rails, I honestly do think he would have ended up back there anyway. Because even though he does initially intend to leave again, all it takes is a short time with them and the Raiders gathering around him calling him Captain for him to realize that he shouldn’t have gone.

The big PROBLEM was his doing so without giving Griffith a heads up or any kind of explanation, thus leading to Griffith thinking the man he loves thinks he’s disgusting and can’t stand to be around him.

And I’m not trying to criticize really, Guts is full of issues himself and I do think he genuinely thought Griffith just liked his strength and thus felt like it wasn’t such a big deal if he left, especially with the war over. But, its best to be careful with the affections of the rare white hawk, for they are not as sturdy as they look and are, in fact, fragile under the skin, and designed to break.

2. In the Deluxe version, the translation is altered to “that half of yours determined to rule,” which is still sort of a convoluted phrasing but I do think its clearer. It’s also very obviously calling Griffith half of Guts. Which, I mean. I mean.

This scene is great though because, in retrospect, Skull Knight here is literally just saying “I think you’re the next me.” And it does make me wonder about the specifics of his relationship with Void. I wonder about that a lot, actually, because the nature of the sacrifice suggests they had some kind of closeness - a relative? A friend? But that would be odd because if the theory that Void is the sage in the tower is correct then Void was, you know, locked in a tower and not paling around with Gaiseric. I DONT KNOW.

3. And now onto the self-destructive sex.

So I’ve seen a couple of theories about the reason Griffith does this - I mean obviously it’s because Guts left, but what exactly is he trying to accomplish here? I feel like most people think he was doubling down on the dream because Guts took off, and that makes sense - Griffith’s relationship with sex is obviously quite unhealthy and he does tend to commodify his own... appeal, his beauty, his charm, people’s desire to be near him or be with him. It’s a thing he does, even though it clearly messes with his head. His entire relationship with Charlotte is exactly that. He has maneuvered her into falling in love with him, but of course he doesn’t really love her - it’s unclear how much he even likes her, but he needs her to achieve his goals. Obviously.

But seeing this as being wholly about him burying himself in his dream never really sat right with me, because it doesn’t seem to suit his actual behavior in the scene. And while I do think there is a “she’s the path to the castle” aspect to it, because... that’s what she is to him... I personally think....

...I think he had a need to be wanted in that moment, and needed to be with someone who loves him and doesn’t find him disgusting or dirty... and who wasn’t associated with the things that were hurting him at that time. This is one reason that he went after Charlotte, who is disconnected from all the Hawk drama, instead of someone like Casca.

The thing is, the things she’s saying - I missed you, I was so afraid you’d die on the battlefield, frightening and sad things keep happening and I feel so alone - and the implication that what she wants and needs to alleviate these painful things is him... it’s what he needs to hear, but its also something he identifies with. Fear and isolation and the need for a person who isn’t there to hold all that back - something that comes up again in the scene with the King in the torture dungeon. Griffith never talks about his feelings, at least not directly, but Miura often had other people talk about theirs in a way that implies where Griffith’s head is as well -- and if you look at what he says to Charlotte... “take all the sad and frightening things and cast them into the fire” - that’s what he’s doing, himself. He’s burying his pain and fear and loneliness and notably...

This moment, when his eyes go Hawk Stare?

It’s echoed later in the infamous and often debated scene where he tries to hit on Casca... which was also right after he heard her expressing loneliness and despair.

Long story short, I think Griffith uses sex as a coping mechanism, and that’s a big part of what he’s doing here. Moreover, while he does these things because he needs the validation and affection himself, and thus could be said to be using them -- he’s also letting them use him, or at least trying to. Because in both cases, the sadness, fear and loneliness they feel is also what he’s feeling. And this makes sense to me because using people and simultaneously letting himself be used by people is absolutely his M.O. And now here he is, just after being rejected by the only person he truly loves, climbing in the window of someone who adores him and telling her to free herself from her pain, sadness and fear through sex - throw it in the fire - which is exactly what he’s doing, himself.

Now, that said, there’s obviously some other stuff going on there, as well. Charlotte isn’t just some girl that he’s burying his sorrows in, she’s the living embodiment of the thing he’s been chasing his whole life. She’s the thing that, by accepting him, can justify everything he’s ever done, all his cruelty and dirtiness and all his lost friends and enemies...

Which makes it all the more interesting that according to Charlotte herself, Griffith straight up ghosted her after Doldrey. Which... does kind of imply that his attention was wandering away from the dream - You’re the only one who made me forget my dream and all that. So of course it’s also about reestablishing that relationship so that he can still chase the thing he wanted before he wanted Guts... because that’s the only desire he can still reach.

And I do find it notable that the self-harm imagery is evoked again both during and after the sex - because the first time this came up, Griffith had just prostituted himself for money and power. Which does kind of say something about how he views his relationship with Charlotte.

Now, much has been said about Griffith literally thinking about Guts while in mid-coitus with Charlotte - I really think that’s... kind of an obvious message. It’s really explicit in the OVAs where he hears Guts’ voice echoing in his head and every time we get a flashback to Guts, his excitement/responses audibly increase/quicken. So, you know, that is what it is.

Another thing is - Griffith keeps going back to that moment where Guts told him not to worry about being cruel, just like Guts keeps going back to the moment when Griffith asked him about it. It seemed like such a small thing at the time, but that moment lives on in Griffith’s mind as the man he loves approving of/condemning him to the pursuit of his ambitions at any cost. And it lives on in Guts’ mind as the moment when Griffith tried to reach out, and he didn’t understand it, and ended up turning him away.

Finally, on the question of whether this is a rape scene, please stop. Of course it isn’t a rape scene; if I'm being honest the only reasons I can think of to claim that it is are 1. because the person saying it is being disingenuous and just wants to find a reason to say Griffith was evil as a human or 2. Because they’re judging a 25+ year old Japanese comic by 2022 Western standards. I do appreciate greatly that the OVA altered the scene to make her consent clear... but I just wish.. people would keep context in mind before popping off. it’s a decades old story written for a target audience in a culture that to this day doesn’t mind the bodice ripper tropes as much as, say, America does. So I’m begging everyone to keep it in perspective.

Randomly, there are as I’ve said a bunch of minor edits to phrasing in the Deluxe books. In this case, the second line is changed to “is common blood beyond redemption?” which I think makes more sense in context - essentially “I have been arguing in your favor this whole time against people who claimed commoners should never be allowed to rise, and yet here we are; was I wrong the whole time?”

And then we reach the King scene which...

Here’s what I think, I think we should all just assume everything the King says about himself and Charlotte, or that Griffith says about the King and Charlotte, aside from extremely specific things like “she doesn't understand what it means to be a princess”... is meant to be a clue to Griffith’s mental state. I’m not getting into the equivalency between Griffith’s desire for a man and the King’s desire for his literal daughter because I think the point isn't about moral equivalence so much as it’s about emotional equivalence. Feelings that are untouchable for various reasons, that they hide in themselves and can’t even quite look at until they’re forced to the surface by loss. I also think this scene is incredbly important for unpacking Griffith’s personality and how his character “works.”

So that’s a pretty direct description of Griffith’s internal logic. It even uses the same phrasing - tens of thousands of corpses and all that - the idea that he is trapped into this role as the King, which he is good at but which wears him down - :"I cannot cease being king, there’s no way I can stop.” Griffith’s thoughts about the dream - if there’s one thing he owes to the dead, it’s to keep going, keep winning - the same logic used on him in the Eclipse when his guilt hits and he chases it off by deciding that if he stops it makes all those deaths and sacrifices pointless, so all he can do is keep going - there’s no way he can stop.

Even if it means living in a “blood-stained, meaningless world without value, where people’s lives are lost like insects” or...

-- as if they lives weren’t worth a single piece of silver, for example.

In this world where they are trapped in this role that confines them and breaks them down there is one thing - one person - who keeps the cold away. A single ray of hope that is warmth, and now they’ve lost it.

And this line - you’d rather have her, or no, don’t you want her to have you? I struggled with this line a bit because it seemed to be a distinction without a difference. But when I recently rewatched the OVA that line was translated as “or maybe you were patiently waiting for her to come to you,” which made the difference snap into place. Essentially it’s less that they (the king/griffith) wanted to pursue their object of desire (charlotte/guts) than that they wanted that person to come to them - to see them and want them.

And it’s interesting because if you follow the metaphor/analog logic that seems to imply that Griffith was sort of waiting and hoping. I don’t know how literal that is, I imagine it’s more of a revelation he’s starting to arrive at than something he was conscious of at the time he was doing it. But it is an interesting point.

But this is perhaps the most pointed moment of all - and a parallel Miura specifically draws attention to at the end of the chapter. But for now just think about the statements

- the great king... once renowned with majesty throughout the land is actually nothing more than a lonely, miserable [...] man who can’t find any reason to live beyond [the one he loves].

-”You’ve lived on by resigning yourself to the monster you envision but you’ve by no means tried to harness that monster. While you were born to the sword called the throne and held it, it was nothing more than a burden to you.”

That thing you hate but can never disengage from so you’ve just accepted it, resigned yourself to it, much like someone suffering from sunk cost fallacies when determining their life course might do. Interesting that he refers to the throne as a sword, too.

“You’ve done nothing more than not fail. How worthless.”

They have each come to this point through a series of victories, never having to face or deal with failure. And now here they are, and none of that means anything anymore.

That this is meant to be a Griffith parallel gets flagged twice. First:

The King’s tirade about how Griffith can’t possibly understand carrying people’s lives on his shoulders which, okay then. Followed by...

Griffith’s silent stare.

The thing is we know very well that he of course does understand that, because understanding that is how he ended up doing half the things he’s done. It’s having the lives of his men on his shoulders that made him go to Gennon, and that made him keep going largely out of a feeling of debt to the ones he couldn’t save. And then...

When Griffith refers to his own situation with the same word he used to sum up the King’s own fate. Because it’s Griffith his meaning can be a bit ambiguous but I basically take this line to be there first and foremost to tell the reader that all of that was meant to allude to Griffith’s internal logic and feelings as well... but also it’s him reiterating that everything he’s done and accomplished is worthless... and he ended up wasting all those lives and all that effort after all.

Now I’m not going to show images of Charlotte being assaulted by her father, the King, but I will say this much: Charlotte is one of the very few women in Berserk who is able to successfully fend off her own attacker without relying on someone to save her. Yes, she calls for Griffith but he obviously can’t do anything, and she still manages to protect herself. I’ll always have a bit of fondness for her based on that.

Also the King is a whole dickhead for killing (or trying to kill) all the innocent Hawks just because he was mad at Griffith.

Tha’ts it for now.

#berserk #berserk meta #rambles about berserk #mostly about griffith's mental breakdown this time

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sundayswiththeilluminati · 3 years ago

Note

I LOVE your meta on how essek was the perfect asset and want to ask the follow-up question in your tags: how do you think it went down? The agreement between Essek and the Assembly? And I think the fandom was convinced Essek would be disposed of after the peace talks — how do you see his future if there was no intervention by the Mighty Nein in 97?

ruvi-muffin asked:

What are your specific thoughts abt how ludinus recruited essek??👀👀 oh Person who knows a surprising amount of spy stuff 🙏🙏🙏👀👀👀

Anonymous asked:

PLEASE share your specific thoughts about how Essek was recruited, I'm so intrigued!

Anonymous asked:

Hello yes i am very interested in these very specific thoughts about how Essek got recruited? All these things about how actual intelligence works/uses their assets/how that ties to Essek and the M9 is really interesting :D

Thank you all so much for asking me the specific question I wanted someone to ask. I had to write and rewrite this post a half-dozen times because I kept going off on tangents about other Cold War spy stories so trust me there’s plenty more where this came from.

For reference, my original post on what made Essek an ideal recruitment target and why the M9 were the ideal counter to it.

First off, this is all based on real-world intelligence ops and is only as relevant to the campaign as Matt Mercer cares to make it. Having said that *slams notebook on table* BUCKLE UP, KIDDOS.

There are two ways Essek may have been recruited: he approached the Assembly or the Assembly approached him. I think the Assembly approached him. Not to be too hard on the guy, but Essek said it himself: he’s kind of a coward. I can’t see him mustering up the nerve to take that first step. Plus his espionage seems to have focused specifically on the beacons rather than dunamancy as a whole; that sounds like the Assembly to me. The beacons specifically offer the prospect of immortality and the Cerberus mages are arrogant enough to assume they can figure out dunamancy themselves if they have a beacon in hand. There’s no way the Assembly haven’t been trying to beg, borrow, or steal those beacons for centuries. Essek may not have even been their first try - just the first that worked.

Chronologically, Essek would have popped up on either the Assembly or the Augen Trust’s radar quite early as I assume they keep tabs on all powerful Dynasty mages. As they followed his career, the Assembly would have ID’d Essek as a perfect target for recruitment as a spy, and then further for ego-based recruitment. Recruitment for espionage is a slow process - even slower in a fantasy world where some races reasonably expect to live 500+ years. Many intelligence agencies will do a sort of light meet-and-greet just to start a file on various people who might years later be of interest. The Assembly would have cultivated Essek as an intelligence asset with the same degree of time and care - and using some of the same methods - that Trent used to turn the Blumenthal trio into assassins.

If they followed a modern playbook, they would have made contact with Essek anywhere from 2 to 10 years before the theft - nothing underhanded. A Cerberus mage approaches him at a negotiation or conference and strikes up a conversation. Then it’s increasing “chance” encounters to get Essek familiar with the handler, play the “we’re both mages, really we’re on the same side” angle to earn enough sympathy & trust to start talking regularly. Once the channel’s open, the handler and asset meet and/or talk routinely while the handler assesses the target’s motives, weaknesses, and the possibility that they’re a double agent.

Espionage proper then starts with small favors, acts Essek can rationalize as victimless or even helpful to the Dynasty. In this stage the handler is getting the asset comfortable with engaging in espionage. They reward the asset for what feels like minimal moral trespass. For Essek that would have been praising his research, encouraging avenues of investigation they knew the Dynasty had shut down. Having meetings with Ludinus plays right into the ego trip - the Head of the Assembly himself is taking the time to meet with him! The Assembly gets how important this work is! That keeps Essek isolated from Dynasty members who might convince him to take a step back and builds loyalty to the Assembly over the Dynasty.

Once an asset settles in, espionage becomes easier. Routines get established. Moral hurdles have been overcome. Now the asks get bigger and the rewards get sparser. The handler will suggest larger acts just to get the asset thinking about them, since the more they consider “just hypothetically” how to pull it off, the more likely it is they’ll do it. This is where the idea of stealing the beacons would get introduced (though of course it’s been the goal all along.) I’ll bet the Assembly hinted at all the study that could be done if they could just get to the beacons in person, constantly bemoaning the lack of access. By now Essek sees the Assembly as colleagues in arcane pursuits, kindred minds, unlike the boring, stuffy old mages of the Dynasty. Of course he could outwit the Dynasty’s security and get the beacons to the Assembly - he’s a prodigy, a genius, everyone says so. And it’s not like he was stealing all of them. The consecuted would be fine. Everyone would be fine.

None of this is intended to absolve Essek of personal responsibility. But it provides a context for his actions, and for why he might regret them so much even though he apparently did them willingly. Asset handlers are very, very good at drawing someone willing to commit minor transgressions into far greater crimes. Look at how Trent shaped Caleb, Astrid, and Eadwulf. He didn’t order them to execute their own parents on day one. He spent years coaxing, tempting, and coercing them into darker and darker crimes, letting them rationalize their own actions at each step, preying on the same vulnerabilities as Essek: isolation (separating the three from other students, telling them their work was secret), ambition (the promise of great arcane power, of shaping the Empire’s destiny), and ego (”we were going to keep the empire safe,” telling them they were gifted, they were chosen).

So how do IRL spies rationalize their actions? Those who spy for reasons of conscience or ideology have done the rationalizing ahead of time, but everyone else has to get there somehow. Some who spy for revenge tell themselves it’s what their superiors deserve, while others tell themselves everyone’s doing it. Some just need a lie to get started (most commonly about who they’re spying for), while others have to keep up the charade all along. Let’s look at a few cases similar to Essek’s that demonstrate just how slippery the slope can be.

Aldrich Ames, a long-term CIA officer slash double agent for the KGB, got suckered in by thinking he could control the situation and wasn’t really hurting anyone. Ames had chronic financial trouble related to excessive drinking & his wife’s lavish lifestyle and in 1985 came up with a plan: he would essentially con the KGB by selling them a minor amount of classified info that he deemed “virtually worthless.” In April he set up the exchange and the KGB paid him $50,000, enough to satisfy his immediate debts. But after actually doing it Ames said he felt he’d now crossed a line he couldn’t step back from, and continued to sell information to the Soviets. By the time he was caught he had, by his own admission, compromised “virtually all Soviet agents of the CIA.”

While some assets just need a lie to get started, others require a delicate dance of self-delusion. Col. George Trofimoff was an Army officer who ran the center where would-be Soviet defectors were assessed & questioned. Trofimoff, a Russian émigré at a young age, was chronically in debt. In 1969 he renewed his acquaintance with his stepbrother back in Russia, now a bishop in the Russian Orthodox Church, and began to pass secrets in return for money - but he and his stepbrother never framed the transactions as such. Trofimoff described their meetings as, “very informal. ... First, it was just a conversation between the two of us. He would ask my opinion on this and that--then, he would maybe ask me, 'Well, what does your unit think about it?' Or, 'What does the American government think about it?’” His compensation was similarly informal: “I said I needed money. ... And he says, 'I tell you what, I'll loan it to you.' So he gave me, I think, 5,000 marks and then, it wasn't enough, because I needed more. ... Then he says, 'Well, you know, I'll tell you what. You don't owe me any money. And if you need some more, I can give you some more. Don't worry about it. You're going to have to have a few things, this and that.' And this is how it started.” Trofimoff could pretend to himself that he wasn’t really spying - just having a chat with his stepbrother - and wasn’t really getting paid for it - just borrowing a little money.

This got longer than I intended it to be and there’s still plenty to talk about, so I’ll save the rest for a second post. Next time: what happens long-term to espionage assets? And what happens if an asset regrets their actions and/or attempts to cut off contact with their handlers?

(This accidentally turned into a series on Essek & IRL espionage: Parts 1, 2, 3, 4)

#Critical Role #Essek Thelyss #tradecraft #mostly Cold-War-related tradecraft TBH #hot boi got ROLLED by the Assembly though #sounds like he didn't even get paid!#I do wonder at stealing TWO beacons though #why two? what was wrong with one?#maybe Essek was just showing off at that point #it's been a long pandemic

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