#Sweet Baby James | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

theangrypokemaniac · 1 year

Text

Part One

In a sense, childhood never really stops.

Everything to come simply grows round and upon those foundations like the rings of tree, which means that all the thoughts and feelings you had then, even if no longer consciously 'there' on the surface, are all still inside, waiting.

And if you dig down far enough, they burst out like spirits from a haunted forest.

You'd best be sitting down for this one.

The thing to remember about Pokémon is that it was only supposed to last for one region, so its set up and early canon were written in the assumption of an imminent ending.

When that changed, it meant having to slowly prise apart the relationships already established, in order to give them more run time before a belated conclusion finally tied it all together.

If you look, there is a clear difference in tone between series one (which is, officially, from Pokémon — I Choose You! to The Breeding Centre Secret) and two (the rest of Kanto plus the Orange League).

Near enough all of the beloved and best-remembered Rocketshipping moments (Pokémon Shipwreck, Holy Matrimony! etc.) are confined to the first series, because that was intended to lead somewhere.

I actually can't think of any stand-out scenes from the latter half of Kanto. In fact, and perhaps tellingly, that's when the earliest Anti-Shipping elements crept in, as in Bad to the Bone, which is another rant in itself.

By series two, the writers knew Pokémon would last until at least Johto, and therefore tried to roll back the status of these romances to a more moderate level, so it felt less of a fait accompli done and dusted, and more of a work-in-progress with some way to go yet, i.e. still carrying enough mileage to get them over the finish line.

We know from Mewtwo Strikes Back and its deleted footage that characters were originally intended to age, move on with their lives and settle down, which is the right thing to do if you believe the grand finale is just around the corner.

And again, this was obviously how early Kanto saw the future unfolding, because it makes several references to the passage of time during Ash's travels.

(He tells Giselle, for example, that he's been a Trainer for 'about two months').

Even as late as The Battle of the Badge, Misty says it's been a year since they last visited Viridian City.

By the third film, suddenly now it's only a year since Ash and Pikachu met, but nevertheless, time was still ticking onwards, even if in a somewhat stretched condition.

Once we get to Hoenn, the idea of Pokémon as a product, dragged on and on forever, comes into play, where status quo is god and nothing can ever really progress, as doing so would push it closer to the end, thus leaving less room to manoeuvre in the following region.

Even if it does superficially 'develop' during the era, thereby giving the writers somewhere to go, it's simply cancelled out by re-booting it in the next generation, and thus they can do the same plots all over again.

I bet this is is why Kanto and Johto get lumped in together as 'the Original Series', even when Johto was specifically promoted as 'a whole new world', because that was the last point with any real semblance of continuity, when time actually mattered to the story.

Anyway, that's the prologue of why I hate this scene.

There is no 'Jessie episode' to the Indigo League.

We have one for James (Holy Matrimony!) and Meowth (Go West, Young Meowth), but I need to search round the era, picking out the fragments, in order to piece together the puzzle of her background.

And I will do that.

1. Met James at Pokémon Tech. Failed the entrance exam. (The School of Hard Knocks)

2. Got Ekans for her birthday. (Island of the Giant Pokémon)

3. Fears rollercoasters. (Island of the Giant Pokémon)

4. Despises women who sit around moping over a fella, 'cause she's got some bloody standards and don't take no nonsense from men. (The Ghost of Maiden's Peak)

You go, girl!

5. Spent years thinking Santa was a Jynx after one came down the chimney and stole her creepy Bruce Lee doll. (Holiday Hi-Jynx)

If that's a prized possession it doesn't say much for her childhood.

Or, rather, it says a lot.

6. Lived with her mother in a shack with no running water in the far north, and ate snow to survive. (Snow Way Out)

I know, I know it's not Ma Jess in the sub, but they chose to give her the exact same colour hair, when they could've picked any other shade, so it doesn't make sense otherwise, besides the rest.

7. Wants to be worshipped and waited upon 'like Cleopatra' by subservient pretty boys. (Pokémon Scent-sation)

8. Really has a thing for long-haired, effeminate lads, particularly with blue and purple hair. (The Punchy Pokémon)

9. Joined a bike gang with James and finally made friends there. (The Bridge Bike Gang)

10. Said bike gang came directly after running away with James from Pokémon Tech. (Holy Matrimony!)

11. Got nothing for Kids' Day, except 'baloney, and with one slice'. (The Purr-fect Hero)

I was never sure if 'baloney' meant cheap American meat (and meagre amounts of it at that) or was a deliberate play on words and actually indicated no filling at all.

12. Grew up poor and couldn't have Pokémon Dolls. (Princess Versus Princess)

13. Used to be friends with Cassidy. Hates her now because she's 'jealous'. (The Breeding Centre Secret)

James didn't recognise Cassidy here, which suggests Team Rocket separates boys and girls for training, where she and Jessie then met but fell out rapidly, so it can't have been that much of a friendship.

Then again, it takes very little for girls to resent one another.

14. Considers herself an actress for playing a worm in a school play. (Lights, Camera, Quack-tion!)

15. No friends before James. (Friend or Foe Alike)

This is before we even consider supplementary material about her mother, for all that it's never come up in the anime.

Picture the scene: Little T.A.P., having compiled this list, settles down to watch a new episode of the Orange League, and what happens?

...

Right, everyone dies now.

...

All the above, that I bothered to notice and value, because I'd invested in the programme, near enough every one of them is wiped out by this single bloody montage.

I paid attention, I listened to what they told me, I cared, and for what? To watch them set it alight once it's inconvenient?

They are, in effect, punishing the audience for loving what they want us to love in the first place.

One by one:

• Oh, so you did have friends as a kid then? (15 gone)

But only one foot.

• I bet you get a breeze something awful up them robes. (6 gone)

• Note the clear implication here that Jessie met this berk as a little girl and grew up with him, thus she had a stable, settled upbringing, so you can put all that stuff about her getting shunted about here, there and everywhere in various foster homes after Ma Jess snuffed it out of yer head right now. (CD gone)

You take yer filthy hands off her.

Mind you, I don't blame Jess keeping her eyes shut.

Gotta protect her soul from getting sucked into the black hole of oblivion in Darren's face.

Yeah, he looks like a Darren to me.

Fresh from smashing up the local offy before browsing the racks of Top Man for classy, clearly-not-chav clobber.

Q. What do you call Darren in a suit?

A. The defendant.

• That's some fancy gear yer got on there, Jess. I'll bet that cost a few bob. (11 and 12 gone)

• Not keen on pale, long-haired foppish youths devotedly waiting on you hand on foot, eh?

Oh no, she's always wanted 'em assertive, domineering, cropped, and Ronseal'd to the non-existent eyeballs. (7 and 8 gone)

• May I again state that this routine shows Jessie growing up with this tosser, from almost birth to her current age, with no indication they'd ever parted during that time, which neatly eliminates the history she had with James. (1, 9 and 10 gone)

Not only that, but since she's now apparently lived near Darren until the very minute she signed up for crime, having no reason to do so in this continuity, it's erased the Chansey school before it's even been bloody invented!

It can't be a case of mountain shack, went home, Jynx castle, went home, Chansey school, went home, Pokémon Tech., went home, bike gang, went home, Team Rocket, as what the hell was she going home to? Parents?

And why wouldn't James go with her?

DARREN!!!

Girls like her disgust me.

Always waiting around for her man as if she were his faithful pet.

She can't stand the thought of losing him.

She cries but I'd say: 'See ya later!'

There are plenty more fish in the sea. (4 gone)

That screenshot is this meme:

Out of the list of fifteen, there are five left, 'cause that scene just kept on whittling 'em down like Cassidy on a speed run.

And before anyone starts (because they always start), I'm gonna pre-empt the 'ackshully' treatment.

What they type:

Fufufufufu... Oh they don't say that in the sub, don't you know.

What they mean:

Well if you were a Deesunt Yoomun Been, like me, you'd pay no attention to that vulgar old dub.

Frightfully common.

Alright, alright, I'll take all the words out an' all. (2 and 14 gone) Happy now?

Since Pokémon is no longer set on Earth, that'll be no Christmas allowed either. (5 gone)

All I have left is that she hates Cassidy and rollercoasters, and I'm not even sure if that counts these days, considering how quickly she pushed James on to her supposed mortal enemy. (13 gone)

And there's bound to be an episode I've forgotten about cutting out the rollercoaster terror. (3 gone)

Probably in Kalos.

It's the sort of thing they'd do.

So that's it then. Jessie's past was already a mystery, but this one scene destroyed every important piece of information I'd gathered about her, and quite a few minor details to boot, which set the pattern to come.

Now this wasn't the first time Pokémon ticked me off. We are, after all, dealing with the Orange League.

Who's this twat? And where's Brock?

Bad to the Bone was a portent of doom, but I grudgingly put it aside because I enjoyed the full series.

At least Tracey joining only changed the present, and didn't piss all over the past, but here, when I already don't like the overall situation, watching something blatantly wrong is even more infuriating.

Oooooh, it's just one scene. Get over it.

Exactly. One bloody scene. A few needless seconds easily eaten up by any other content, but oh no, they simply HAD to rip up everything they'd already said, for nothing.

I almost think being a meaningless, throwaway scenario makes it worse, as it led to no plot point within the episode, no vital exchange building to a legendary story arc, nothing of any worth whatsoever, which might (MIGHT) justify the soiled beginnings; it exists only as filler for empty air, never hinted at before, and never referenced again.

It doesn't matter at all, but they did it anyway.

At times like this I realize the value of Zero Tolerance, because the moment you put up with any slight slip in standards, precisely because it is so slight, and you're told to 'be reasonable', you've already consented to a hundred other much worse things down the line, because it's always 'just a little bit more' and 'But you accepted that, so why not this?' dragging yer down the path of damnation.

They got rid of Brock, and replaced him with Tracey, but fans weren't 'avin it, and kicked off.

So Brock returned, and stayed for another three regions, writers waiting for two generations of fan to grow up and leave before they dared pension him off again, and Tracey's barely been seen since.

But this? No one ever said a word.

No one ever says anything, and that just handed 'em a licence to do whatever they wanted.

And what have we had since then?

(Training Daze)

What be this 'shared history' of which ye speak?

Why, all the very moral people know Jessie and James only met in Team Rocket, so it must be true.

Mmm-hmm.

Ever noticed how most of the Team Rocket episodes after this retcon are all about splitting 'em up?

Oh, I wonder why.

Yeah. It's as if there's no deep bond anymore.

How people got swindled into believing this was a prime Rocketshipping goldmine I'll never know.

You'll gladly trade away their entire youth spent side-by-side, all to have one bloody GIF of him falling on top of her?

Why is this a novelty? Weren't they always hugging and falling asleep beside one another before?

Why is it suddenly a big deal?

Oh yeah. The Darren Dilemma hints as much, but this is the one making it official:

Jessie and James didn't know each other from Adam before today.

God knows what they were up to since birth though, 'cause all the adventures explaining have been deleted.

You can't have The School of Hard Knocks, you can't have The Bridge Bike Gang, and best of all, you can't have Holy Matrimony!, as that references them both.

Bye-bye now!

So we've gone from them staying together from childhood, as a choice, irrelevant to joining the Mafia, to something founded on a business deal between work mates?

That's romantic, innit?

(Sweet Baby James)

Jessie, and ME?!

Together?!

A COUPLE??!!

Ewwwwww!!! Yer dirty bitch, Grandma. I'd rather DIE!!!

I wish the writers wouldn't keep sending us these cryptic messages.

Come on, say what you mean for a change.

Uh! She's so disgusting, kids! Don't ship him with her!

That's just cruel, that!

(Crossing Paths!)

Well whaddya know. Here's another vapid dickhead who totally ruined my life in an unspecified timeframe who I nevertheless forgot about til now.

Austin Allegro or whatever his name is.

Real tragic tho.

Not before or after Darren, apparently.

In-between.

Try and make both these Shameful Secret Pasts fit, and you end up with Jess taking a break from Darren mid-way to fanny about with a fellow gibbering non-entity, who inflicted Major Trauma Of Which We Do Not Speak by getting on a bus, but shrugging it off immediately and going back to Darren, who inflicted Major Trauma Of Which We Do Not Speak by donning Giant's flasher mac.

Ah. The classic triggers.

What's this, anyway? Nurse Joy: The Wonder Years?

No, no, no, no, no! It's Jessie! Jessie, Jessie, JESSIE!

Ooh, yes. I'd know that hair anywhere.

This was a Serious Moment, people!

Ah, you mean another Butterfree rip-off?

NO! It was a moth this time! That's a completely different animal!

(Noodles! Roamin' Off!)

Yeah, I'm gonna do this Contest schtick full-time, love.

No, you can't come with me.

I ain't even offering.

Look, just sod off back to Jessibelle will yer?

She'll have yer. Daft bitch.

Hey, it's Mondo!

NO! It's once more a never-before-mentioned Very Important Character!

Amazing how Chris made such a life-shattering impact on the pair but somehow never showed up in the episode covering their Team Rocket training.

Crazy.

(A Fork in the Road! A Parting of the Ways!)

I don't like yer. I never really liked yer.

There will never be anything between us, so yer can forget that.

I don't even respect yer as a friend, 'cause I am outta here at the first sniff of something better without so much as a goodbye.

Who's this creaking old duffer?

That's Jessie an' all.

????????

I will dump you for some beady-eyed pencil neck within five minutes of meeting him 'cause it's Very Definitely Troo Luv Bruh.

Yeah, I know. But I don't give a shit about all the years we spent together.

You were just the only crawling simp I could get at the time.

Come on, even our 'best bits' recap is crap. What does that tell yer?

I don't even care if all yer Pokémon get nicked and you end up alone. I ain't coming back.

...

Okay, I'm back now. He doesn't want me so I might as well.

But don't get too comfy, sunshine. I am NOT happy and I will chuck you at the next opportunity.

Genius continuity here where James has gone from vowing to die before he married Jessie to having a nervous breakdown when she legs it.

Ssh. The Next Opportunity is coming up.

(The Good, the Bad, and the Lucky!)

You'd be much better off with that bird I've loathed with all-consuming murderous hatred for the last two decades.

You know, after she's bullied, belittled and beaten us up relentlessly?

Aye, that's the one. Go on, lad, get stuck in.

I can't be taking you away from Paradise when you've bonded over that famous shared interest of yours.

Whittling.

End of Part One

3 notes · View notes