#plus this is for specifically plural stuff but we have people following this and i want to subject them to the Horrors

[d33pwaterabyss]

I'll/We'll probably infodump about stuff on the main blog them reblog here methinks

~leon

[plxnetn1ne]

since everyone in this fandom and their mum seem to be giving their piece about the ‘update’ coming to Hogwarts Legacy on the 6th, i figured id give my piece even if no one has asked

ive been seeing a lot of posts and replies about how “we should just take what we get and be grateful” and “the devs are working hard, do you know how hard game development is?”

im very aware of how difficult game development can be and how mentally taxing it is. i dont doubt that they’ve been through the mill.

the update is trash. its that simple. we’re allowed to feel upset about it, and for people saying that its not fair to be upset — it is fair. we shouldnt have to expect the bare minimum from a game that sold 22 million copies and reached nearly 2 billion dollars in revenue, a game that had 14 nominations for awards and 3 wins.

we were told we were getting a summer update alongside the Haunted Hogsmeade quest — the quest they promised to release to PC and Xbox in march when the game celebrated one year of release. they said, and i quote;

“As we near the one-year anniversary of Hogwarts Legacy, we wanted to let our community know that the Hogwarts Legacy PlayStation-exclusive content will be available on other platforms later this summer, along with additional updates and features for the game. Stay tuned in the coming months for more details on what’s coming to Hogwarts Legacy this year.” copy and pasted straight from Hogwarts Legacy’s official twitter page. along with additional updates and features to the game.

yes — i know, thats a very vague statement. it could have been taken in any way, but typically when additional updates and features — plural — is put into a sentence, you assume that there will be more than one new feature. it wasnt wrong for the community to assume that there was more than a few new additions coming to the game.

okay, we got photo mode — thats great for console players, but it isnt new for us PC players. im happy for my console buddies that finally get to bring their mc to life in the way ive been able to. im looking forward to seeing the uptick in photos upon the updates release. PC and Xbox got the new haunted hogsmeade quest, and thats great, considering the release of it was delayed by 3 months, but atleast we’re getting it. but basically. PS5 was fucked in the process, because everything minus photo mode is stuff they already had, and honestly, thats not fair. and double honest — thats not an update. thats the release of exclusive content plus a new addition.

for several months a summer update was hyped up, and the result was…. ps5 getting fucked, a photo mode that im going to bet my ass on will be buggy as all hell, and some cosmetics. so no — i wont be grateful. especially when we keep getting promised things and then getting fucked by a hot iron in the process. because i havent forgotten the documentary that was supposed to come out, and i still remember during September when they hyped up a digital surprise for Back to Hogwarts day and it ended up being 30 percent off on a game most of us already had, only for the game to go on sale for half off the following Nov/Dec for the holiday sales.

since the release of the game, modders have been basically picking up the slack by working their asses off to create bug fixes, better cosmetic options, enhanced schedules, companions, and so much more to keep the community somewhat entertained. this as well as the file miners that are constantly digging things up that we were robbed of, like the relationship list for companions, gaunt manor, other house specific quests, more quests concerning Isadora, on and on. on top of this, ive seen first hand how much of the outer parts of the map was developed only to be cut out. i spent a solid hour and a half today using free cam to fly around the outskirts of the map — buildings, caves, entire areas laid out for towns or poacher camps, all thrown out on top of all of the discarded quests and content.

and while im at it — ill be one of the few to say it, but Hogwarts Legacies storyline was not well thought out, or at the very least it wasnt very well portrayed. there were hundreds of questions we were left with upon beating the game. where did Anne go? what happened to the keepers after the final battle? why wasnt Isadora in her portrait? what were the keepers hiding? did inhaling the magic actually make a difference or was it just for shock value? how much of Isadora’s story did we miss? how was the undercroft tied in with Isadora when it was apparently a Gaunt secret? what even really was the undercroft?

yes, i know — “well arent they making a second one?” and yeah, im pretty sure they are, and maybe thats why we’ve gotten nothing more than a pile of bricks in the last year and a half. but, they should probably finish the first game before starting on a second.

this doesnt mean i dont love Hogwarts Legacy. i love the people ive met, the stories ive read, and i love capturing the screenshots i take from that game. the entire situation is just frustrating to no end.

[xiathiau-myshif]

A being of many forms, many hearthomes, and many names

Full intro below cut

Hi, we're Xiathiau (you can call us Xia or Catharsis) and we're 16. (NSFW blogs that follow us will be blocked)

We are queer, nonbinary, polykin, and fictionkin/fictionflicker. We're also british, posic, and plural.

We use many names, Xiathiau/Xia being just one, but the main ones on this blog. Others include Equinox, Eclipse, and Catharsis, plus we use a different name for each of our kintypes to distinguish between them. Each kintype name is in the description of their respective side blogs.

We're autistic, and our special interests are hypnosis (SFW!!) and space, specifically black holes.

Little note: We are neither antiship nor proship. To be honest, we'd probably lean more towards proship than antiship. As far as this sort of "topic" goes, we go by a "don't like, don't read" rule, and we are of course against anybody getting harassed for fictional scenarios. Proshippers are safe to interact with our blog, as long as they (and everyone else, by extension) are respectful and kind.

Pronouns:

Any pronouns other than he or she are fine, but below are some we like to use

Xe/xem/xyr, ae/aer/aers, it/its, star/stars, fae/faer.

Our blog doesn't really have a theme, but we tend to post alterhuman related stuff

Non-kin related sideblogs

Sideblog for our Original Work ao3 story: @the-city-edge

If you want to confess your autism-related sins: @unhingedautisticconfessions

For a plural-focused blog, head over to @the-ribombee-collective

Fandom blogs:

For a xenogender/system term coining blog that we run with a friend, go to @blurry-coining

Original music sideblog (very new): @eribon-equulei

@every-story-needs-a-monster Illuminae Files blog

@in-the-valley-of-the-wind Nausicaä of the Valley of the Wind blog

Type list and kin-related sideblogs:

Theriotypes: melanoid axolotl ( @goth-silly-guy ) 💜, ragdoll cat ( @cotton-candy-fur ) 💚, and melanistic red fox ( @fuzzy-fox-kid ) 💚

Kintypes: vampire ( @red-roses-and-fangs ) 💙, sea dragon ( @mariana-creature ) 🤍, angel ( @alien-seraph ) 🤍, haunted doll ( @haunted-aerie ) 💜, nephelae ( @dreams-of-a-nephelae ) 💚

Fictionkin: Ribombee (Pokémon, @i-am-a-ribombee ) 🤍

Fictionflicker: AIDAN (The Illuminae Files, no side blog) 💜 (strong 💙 when active)

Our shifts are confusing, we rarely shift and it's usually phantom shifts

Key:

🤍 Main, strongly felt

💙 Strongly felt

💚 Medium strength

💜 Weakly felt

DNI:

Exclusionists of (almost) any kind, e.g. lgb without the t folks. We strongly believe ace/aro people belong in the LGBTQ community

Homophobes, transphobes, racists, misogynists, ableists, paedos/MAPs, Nazis etc. Basically generally terrible people.

Dream stans

Therian/otherkin/fictionkin/otherlink antis

Neopronoun / xenogender antis

Anti endogenic / non-disordered/traumagenic systems

Anti good-faith contradictory identities, e.g. lesboys, turigirls, he/him lesbians

Radqueers / TransID

Zionists and antisemites

Anti physical therian

Anti self diagnosis

Spam likers/rebloggers are completely welcome, as well as asks, whether you want to show us pictures of an animal or a landscape, anything like that.

Our hobbies include video gaming, reading, and music composing. We like cats and snakes

Tag system:

#xia irl - irl posts

#xia kin stuff - otherkin posts

#xia's hoard - reblogs

#xia's random posts - just random things

#shutterbug xia - pictures we took

#xia's autistic moments - new hyperfixations we develop

#xia replies - replies to asks

#eri's plurality - plural posts

This might be updated if we remember something we missed, or the info becomes outdated.

Thanks for stopping by :3

[coppercanary]

I posted 13,581 times in 2022

That's 2,001 more posts than 2021!

14 posts created (0%)

13,567 posts reblogged (100%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@holsten-from-hasa

@abyssopelagiccs

@theminecraftbee

@binomist

@bdoubleowo

I tagged 1,456 of my posts in 2022

#grian - 218 posts

#fave - 207 posts

#gtwscar - 113 posts

#etho - 101 posts

#save - 96 posts

#bdubs - 96 posts

#hermitcraft - 85 posts

#import.txt - 77 posts

#mumbo - 67 posts

#empires - 63 posts

Longest Tag: 140 characters

#also if skizz was in dlsmp and he didn't get impulse as his soulmate im sorry but that'll be a crime. they share hearts all the time already

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

Hi! List five things that make you happy, then put this in the askbox of the last ten people who reblogged something from you! Spread the happiness and positivity

(creature... That's a funky creature in your icon)

hi! :D

(yeeee the baba is such a creature . an Animal. i love them so much)

things that make me happy hmmm ,, reading (particularly fanfics tbh fjdjdh), my frens (looking @ the dynamos and chaos server here love you guys <3), i really love warm blankets, hot chocolate, and having little quiet moments to myself where i can just relax and breathe . is nice :3

2 notes - Posted May 24, 2022

#4

our dog oscar had a minor surgery this morning , luckily now he is home safe and well, if very sleepy. he has to wear the Cone of Shame But Soft tm and can’t walk around much but he’s been napping since i got home anyways <3

2 notes - Posted April 5, 2022

#3

heyo finally gonna make a pinned. after over 20k posts . yay?

we're the aviary (system), collectively we go by plural they/them

on our blog you’ll find mostly mcyt content - hermitcraft and third/last life mostly - plus anything else we think is worth reblogging, ie shitposts

asks and dms are always open we'll do our best to reply

we try not to engage in discourse, please don’t come to us with the intention of harassment, either aimed at us or any other group adding onto the above we post and reblog shipping content . we'll tag it if asked to however if you're heavily against that this probably isn't the place for you

we love seeing like / rb spam!!! feel free to do it to your content it makes us very happy to see

don’t have a specific dni / byf or whatever just don’t be creepy ok? ok cool. aviary out (some more misc info below cut)

alter info (just the ones you'll see around most often):

canary, host, they/them or ae/aer - main one running this blog, mostly it's me you'll see doing stuff grian, c!grian fictive, he/him or xe/xem - i think the c things are weird im just grian but not in mc anymore there are more of us but they can make their own intros if and when they want

tagging system is as follows: [name]talks - we say random shit [name]answers - answering stuff people throw at our inbox [name]draws - art tag [name] refers to the person responsible for the post

3 notes - Posted May 2, 2022

#2

baba

babababababbabababbaabbababababababababab

3 notes - Posted April 15, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

discovering that there is no fandom for the wildings + the hundred names of darkness on tumblr is making me sad . pleas eplease please why do my favourite cat books not get enough appreciation ): they’re better than waca i prommy

if anyone has read them and wants to talk hmu

4 notes - Posted April 13, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

[beauty-grace-outer-space]

you mentioned something a little while back about trauma anniversaries? would you be comfortable explaining what it means and what its about?

Sure thing. 

So.. trauma anniversaries are complicated, and vary from person to person, but the general idea is that when one experiences a traumatic event (or events, plural, centered around a specific time period), the brain/body stores that information and (as with other PTSD reactions) sometimes has an uncontrollable and unpredictable response to it. 

“Many trauma survivors experience challenging “anniversary reactions,”  which are defined as ‘unique set[s] of unsettling feelings, thoughts or memories that occur on the anniversary of a significant experience.’ When a survivor finds themselves in the midst of a trauma anniversary, they often are forced to re-live feelings from the traumatic event, causing symptoms like increased anxiety, depression, trouble sleeping, loss of appetite, nightmares, and irritable outbursts.”

Our bodies hold on to trauma in an effort to protect us, but sometimes those signals get mixed and bad feelings get tied to a time period, which is not particularly useful in most cases. 

This time of year makes me a bit wonky in general, with the changing of the seasons and the temperature drop, but October is also an anniversary for an event that changed my life and dramatically impacted my mental health... and I didn’t realize that it was affecting me until I was already deep in it this go round. 

I hate talking about it like this, because of the age old dichotomy of “it wasn’t that bad” and “it was bad enough and it’s affecting me”. I’m still working on accepting this stuff without falling into the mental trap that I’m “whining about nothing” and that “other people have it worse”. They do. Someone always does. But that doesn’t mean that the stuff that’s happened to me isn’t bad. 

I don’t know how much information you’re looking for, or if you’re asking about my experience specifically, but I’m still a bit off so what the hell. 

I already have issues with fall and the beginning of the school year for various reasons that I won’t go into. So this time of year is always tricky. But...

For those who don’t already know, five years and fifteen days ago, I called my grandmother and she told me she was going to kill herself. I was the only one home, I had just turned 23 years old two weeks beforehand, she had told me she was having a hard time affording some things, and I had offered to make her an appointment with a therapist and with a new primary care physician and to pay for it all so she could keep taking her medication. 

I called to ask her what day might work for an appointment so I could take the time off work, pick her up, take her to lunch, and then drive her to the appointment, and she told me she was going to kill herself. She told me she had been saving up her pills, and that’s why she hadn’t been taking them. She told me she had discussed it with my grandfather, and that he knew and was ok with it, and they were going through their belongings so there would be “less for him to deal with” once she was gone and that she was “surprised I hadn’t caught on sooner”. 

I kept her on the phone, kept her talking on my cell, and grabbed the home phone to start calling anyone I could think of. My mom, my dad, my aunt (with whom I had only reconciled five days before-- big misunderstanding, but still a lot), my mom’s cousin... no one would answer. 

By the time my mom got home, I had been on the phone with my grandmother for over an hour, mid panic attack, and I was hyperventilating so hard I couldn’t see and I couldn’t stand. Your limbs go all tingly when you don’t retain enough carbon dioxide, and I remember trying to walk to her and collapsing. I gasped out an explanation, my mom took the reins, and we were able to get in touch with my aunt and get the necessary medical professionals on hand to give my grandmother a psychiatric evaluation and put her on a 72 hour hold. 

We were at the hospital until nearly 4 in the morning before a nurse told us that they legally couldn’t release my grandmother because the doctor had mandated a three day safety hold, and that we should go home and get some rest. By the time we made it home, there was a message on our answering machine that a county examiner had released her and there was nothing more they could do. 

I found out later, much later, that she had never stopped taking her meds. She’d never said a word to my grandfather. She had no intention of killing herself. She wanted a reaction from me, and she got one. She called my cousins and told them I was a liar. She called family members who have never even met me and told them how awful I am, and that I make things up for attention.

I waited a little over a week to call her. I recorded the call, so that I’d have proof if I needed it. It’s still on my harddrive somewhere. Two plus hours of her calling me a liar, telling me that conversation never happened, telling me that she’s ashamed of me, that she hopes no one in their right mind ever loves me because I’m a monster, that she pities my friends and anyone who has the misfortune of knowing me because I’ll stab them in the back too as soon as I want some attention. The list goes on and on. 

That continued for a while. Whether or not it’s true, when someone you love tells you things over and over again, you can’t help but wonder. 

I started having dreams that she was hitting me, and that people were letting her do it. I started having dreams that I was in a loving, committed relationship but came home one day to a seething partner who had just gotten off the phone with her and realized I was a worthless liar, and of them, too, turning abusive. I started having dreams that I was alone at the bottom of a deep, dark hole, and no one could hear me or try to get me out. 

She decided one day that we were going to pretend nothing had ever happened, and I was forced to play along. All the while she’d still call and say awful things to me, then show up at family gathering like nothing was wrong. She’d say one thing to me, another to my family, and call me a liar to my face and behind my back. She kept telling friends and family that I was being abusive and manipulative to her. 

It hit the point that I truly, genuinely couldn’t remember what she had said in that initial call, and I worried I had made it all up. Gaslighting at it’s finest. 

It’s taken years to realize it, but every interaction I had with her following that date has been either abuse or manipulation. She spent months and months refusing to speak to me unless it was to tell me how horrible I am, then like flipping a switch one day I came home and there was a gift on my front porch from her. She’d ease up for a while, then suddenly be awful again. My entire life, she had always been the epitome of a perfect grandma... she’d take me on outings, buy me little gifts, bake with me at the holidays, sing songs with the grandkids, loved playing with us, we’d talk for hours on the phone, they came to dinner frequently. And now... it’s like a veil has been lifted and she’s unrecognizable.

I tried to maintain a relationship with her. She screamed at everyone at Easter a few years back that her silverware was more important to her than a relationship with me. I kept trying. She told a lawyer that my mom and I had “stolen her medical records” and were “forcing her to have medical procedures against her will”. I kept trying. She threatened to send a police officer to our house, accusing me of stealing. I kept trying. 

And finally, last fall, I called to wish her a happy birthday, she began a tangent, and I realized I was so tired. I asked her outright if she wanted a relationship with me. She told me she couldn’t be bothered to think about it. I haven’t spoken to her since. 

That one phone call cost me so, so much. I lost my relationship with my grandmother and my grandfather, by extension. Other family members have questioned if I’m lying to them, or if I made things up. I’ve questioned if I made things up. 

In the midst of all of this, my father also completely shifted and I don’t know why. He started picking fights with me, almost constantly. If I tried to change the subject, I was too stupid to have a discussion. If I stayed silent, I clearly knew I was wrong. If I said anything in reply, I was lying. He throws things, when he’s mad. He kicks things. He used to punch walls. My mom has since said to me that if she had any idea that he would turn into this person, she wouldn’t have married him. Sometimes he’s great, sometimes he’s awful. I never know which version I’ll be dealing with. 

I’ve spent nearly five straight years in therapy trying to deal with this. My original goal was not to hate my grandmother, or my father. It had to adapt to not hating myself because of what they said to me. 

So October is hard. Because October is when my mind and body unconsciously remember things changing. Relationships I’d always counted on turned abusive. Nothing I said or did was safe. It’s dangerous. 

I blew past the actual anniversary just feeling sort of... jittery. I’ve spent a few weeks feeling withdrawn and anxious and not knowing why. I had a noticeable uptick in old thought patterns and intrusive thoughts about self worth, self harm, etc. 

Whether or not it’s logical, whether or not it makes sense... my self preservation has locked onto this time of year as unsafe, and it falls into old patterns in an attempt at protection. Old patterns include anxiety, difficulty eating regularly, issues with self worth, withdrawing from others, emotions very close to the surface, and a few other things. 

And that’s where I’m at. 

I’m ok, and I’ll be ok. I’ve got some experience dealing with this under my belt now, and I still see my therapist regularly. I’m talking to her next week. At the moment, I’m just trying to take care of me however it makes sense, and not doing anything dangerous or dumb. 

So... that’s what I mean by trauma anniversary. 

[spnfanficpond]

April 2019 Pond LiveChat Recap

We had a great time chatting with @deanscarlett today! Thank you so much, Scar, for joining us!!

We had a bunch of non-native English-speakers in the room today, and we all discussed the challenges of writing in a language that is not your first. A rundown of the chat, as well as general Pond news, is below the cut!

People attending: @deanscarlett @katehuntington @emilyshurley @focusonspn @mrswhozeewhatsis 

Q: What is everyone’s first language?

Scar: Spanish Kate: Dutch Emily: Hindi Sol: Spanish

Q: You all are so fluent, did you grow up speaking English?

Scar: My mom sent me to learn English when I was 6 or 7. I’m almost 41 lol Emily: I did, grand dad is a retired professor of English so like almost the second language kinda thing Kate: My mom grew up on Australia and she thought it was important for me to learn English from a very early age. 

Q: What do you guys think is the hardest part of English?

Emily: Grammar. I can speak fluently, but for me, it’s grammar and punctuation. Speaking is easier because I grew up talking to my dad in English on occasions. Scar: The listening and pronunciation part. Grammar comes easy to me because of the way it was taught to me. Spanish has waaaay too many verb tenses that makes English a joke in that sense. Kate: I personally sometimes struggle when I wanna use a Dutch way of saying things. I translate too literally.

We then discussed how even English is very different depending on what country you’re from. US vs. UK vs. Australian, for example. The same words mean different hings, different countries have different words. Sometimes, the differences can seem like it’s a whole different language.

Q: Is there anything about English that constantly trips you up, even though you know better?

Kate: Times. I mean, tenses. Scar: I got it, tenses in Spanish are called “tiempos”, which in EN is “times” 😀 For me, phrasal verbs, certain rules when it comes to prepositions. Those are my bane. Emily: Tenses. I mess those up a lot. Michelle: Well, it’s not like there’s not 2983625 tenses or anything. Native speakers screw them up, too. Apparently, we’re all REALLY invested in knowing exactly when things happened!

Q: Which brings up a side thought. I know that language informs thought. Like, some languages have no words for things, or special words for things. How often do you run into that?

Kate: A lot. I’ve looked so long for a translation to the word ‘gezellig’. It doesn’t exist. Scar. Yup. We don’t have a word for toes, for example. Kate & Michelle: Toes? How can you not have a word for toes??? Scar: Yup, it’s “fingers of the foot/feet”. There isn’t a word for it. Emily: Same. Michelle: I was thinking about those cultures that don't have words for stealing because they believe everything belongs to everyone, and here Scar is telling me the South Americans don't have toes!

Emily then turned us onto a discussion about how English steals from other languages.

Emily: Speaking of word stealing "jungle" is a Hindi word. Michelle: Oh, English is a great thief. English steals from EVERYONE indiscriminately. Kate: Oh now I wanna know what they stole from the Dutch. Emily: *cough* colonialism *cough* Kate: We were just as bad. England owned half and the Dutch the other half. Scar: Spanish stole terms, too, but they evolved in time. Emily: Jungle is straight up Hindi word with same meaning. The only English words we use in Hindi are for the things British introduced to India. Even then we came up with word for them eventually. Michelle: Quick Google search for English words with Dutch origin: Coleslaw (from the Dutch word meaning cabbage salad), boss (from baas, which means master), stove (from the Dutch word for heated room), and booze (from a Dutch word "busen" meaning to drink in excess). Kate: Koolsla! Haha! Of course we inspired a word for alcohol. Busen is old old Dutch, though. Stoven is a Dutch word for cooking. But what the English speakers call a stove, we call a gasfornuis, now. Language is weird, man.

Q: One of the facets of English that I don't know if other languages do, is how it constantly changes. I took a history of the English language course in college, and if you read Old English, like Chaucer's Canterbury Tales was originally written in, it's a completely different language. For example, the verb to starve, came from a word steorfan (not the correct spelling), which simply meant to die. Over the centuries, the meaning changed to die specifically from hunger.

Emily: Most languages evolve with time.  Scar: Latin American Spanish and Spaniard Spanish have different tenses for 2nd person plural. Even a different pronoun.

Q: Someone once told me that English is more malleable than other languages. What do you think of that?

Scar: It’s true. Spanish is hard to evolve.You cannot transform a word in a verb as easily as with EN. Emily: I’ll speak for Hindi. It’s a constantly evolving language that’s super malleable.

Q: When you look for a beta, do you look for someone who speaks your first language, or just for a native English speaker? If you don't look for someone who speaks your language, do you think finding a beta who did would make things easier or harder?

Scar: Always a native speaker. For one, not many Spanish speakers around, and 2nd, they are bound to make the same mistakes I do. Emily: It’s hard finding Indian betas, so mostly they are native English speakers. Kate: I look for a native English speaker in a beta, at least one of them (I usually get my stories checked by 2 or 3 betas). Scar: Though I notice that EN speakers tend to not notice stuff like they’re/there/their and the like. I don’t have issues with those when I write, but I notice it a lot in other writers (native EN) who were betaed by other native EN, and you see tons of those mistakes.

Q: Is there anything that has tripped up your betas in the past, or anything that you wish betas would focus on more often?

Kate: Repeating a certain word. I use a certain verb or emotion too much. Synonym would be better, not everyone picks up on that Scar: I tend to go a little too happy with passive voice. I usually do 10 reads before giving it to the beta. Usually they find wrong prepositions.  Emily: For me, it's common English saying and day to day slang. A beta once said my dialogue sounds formal. Michelle: I can understand the formal thing. One ESL writer I beta for never uses contractions. Emily: That's because I learnt the "proper" way of speaking English in school. Scar: That’s another issue, too. I was taught the posh English, so when I went to England last year, it was hard af to understand the cockney English. Emily:  Then there is the whole cultural divide situation. For example, I have a really difficult time writing anything remotely NSFW because sex and PDA are kinda taboo in India. Any advice? Michelle: Only write what you're comfortable writing. If you REALLY feel that your story needs something you don't feel comfortable writing, then collaborate with someone. Scar: Don’t force yourself to write something you are not comfortable with. Because in some cases, you don’t enjoy it and in the end that shows in the writing. Emily: It isn't that I'm not comfortable, I don't have an issue I just have no idea what I'm doing. Michelle: Whenever you're writing something that you don't know much about, find someone who writes that or knows about that, and work with them. For example, @manawhaat is my weapons expert. When I wrote a fic about Dean and the First Blade, comparing it to his other weapons, I practically had her on speed dial. I wrote what I was thinking, and asked her if any of it sounded plausible, and she corrected what I had wrong, and gave suggestions for things I didn't know about. Another suggestions is to read TONS of other fics that have what you want to write. Kate: But if you wanna learn, read and practice, though. You don’t even have to publish it.  Emily: That makes sense but I'm to scared to reach out to people. I follow some people who are really amazing, but when they post stuff like, “No, I won't read your fics unless I offer myself,” I get scared thinking I'm bothering others as well. Michelle: That’s when the Pond’s Beta list comes in handy! Sol: I'm too scared to bother someone for beta my work. Michelle: That’s what the list is there for. These are people who want to beta read. If they’re busy, they’ll tell you. But they want to be on the list and welcome people asking them.

We ended with some advice on picking a beta, and complaints about Tumblr eating asks. REMINDER: IF YOU SEND AN ASK TO THE POND AND DON’T GET A RESPONSE IN TWO DAYS, SEND A MESSAGE TO ONE OF OUR ADMINS!!

Great talk, guys! Can’t wait for next month!!

General Pond Updates and Reminders

Angel Fish Award nominations are accepted all month long! No need to wait to tell us how much you liked a fellow Fish’s work!  IF YOU HAVE SENT IN A NOMINATION, BUT HAVE NOT RECEIVED A PRIVATE MESSAGE CONFIRMING WE RECEIVED IT, WE DIDN’T GET IT. Be sure to use Submit instead of Ask!

Don’t forget to submit your stories to be posted to the blog! When your stories are on the blog, then they are easier to nominate for Angel Fish Awards!

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[flower-boy-roxanne]

hey!

im dirk! this is my personal intro post & it includes triggers specific to me, so PLEASE PLEASE tag your own posts with cws for my content triggs if you follow me!!! with that in mind, read the entire thing, please <3

( system dni & info located on our art blog )

about

full name is dirk roxanne strider, as a quick explanation for my url :3

i use she/they pronouns and identify as demimale! my headspace body is intersex

ABSOLUTELY NO REFERRING TO ME BY HE/HIM I WILL SCREAM

i age-slide! about 15-25

i also age-regress, typically as a response to stress and/or trauma but it can also be a result of excess affection, babying/patronizing me (which i actually dont mind much but if you do it just to make me regress we’re gonna have a problem bud), etc.

i go by dirkie when im age-regressed!! if you see me posting during those times please refer to me by that name and try to be extra nice. if i was stress-/trauma-triggered into regression i may be very emotionally sensitive. i prefer to be talked to like a little kid/baby too and i may talk very childishly (unnecessary word pluralizing, wrong verb tenses, w’s in place of l’s and r’s, easily excited, etc.)

i pet-regress into a cat mindset due to a very particular situation in the past. i will absolutely not discuss it here and im not afraid to get an aggressive/violent protector up to roast your ass if you repeatedly pester me about it. like seriously dude you dont actually wanna know anyways

NEITHER OF THESE ARE S-XUAL THINGS FOR THE LOVE OF G O D . we dont support “““s-xual””” agere because that isnt and shouldnt be a thing its fucking disgusting please let me regress without ppl thinking its s-x roleplay in peace—ITS NOT I AM IN THE LITERAL FUCKING MINDSET OF A LITERAL FUCKING CHILD. thank you <3

i have severe exotrauma. all my posts discussing it will be tagged #dirk talks trauma, feel free to block it. i also try to appropriately cw/tw tag them (i use the term tw only but its just because including both drains my spoons)

that said, dont! ask me! about! my trauma! directly! I WILL TALK ABOUT IT WHEN I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT!!!

not only is our body autistic but i was autistic in my canon!! just a fun fact :3

i try to avoid using :) emoticons and prefer :D, :3, and the like. idk ive just had a fair share of experiences where its used in a (jokingly, usually!!) creepy/threatening context so it doesnt read well to me

please dont dm me without asking!!! ive got some of the worst anxiety & paranoia in this system, plus ive got a small bit of trauma relating to unsolicited dms

asks are always okay though :3!! so long as youre not bein a dickhead ya know? anon is off tho for comfort n trauma reasons, sorry about that

(if you want me to answer your ask privately just tell me!! i might accidentally be a fuckin idiot n post it publicly tho, just a fair warning)

i somewhat suspect myself of ocd, but i havent had the spoons to do enough research for confirmation

I AM VERY BAD AT READING TONE. please tag things /j, /lh, /s, etc. so i know you arent genuinely trying to be a dick to me

(may be added to)

my tags

#dirk.txt — regular text post

#dirk.png — art/edit post

#dirk.jpg — shitpost, memes, otherwise non-artistic images

#dirk.mp3 — original song lyrics, voice recordings

#dirk.pdf — creative writing post, infodumps, ideas

#dirk.gif / #dirk.mp4 — gifs, videos

#dirk talks trauma — discussion of my exotrauma, including vents

#dirk updates — quick notices about the blog, my personal life, or anything that may have impact on blog interaction (that of myself or other users)

#little flower — the post was made while i was age-regressed

#catnip flowers — the post was made while i was pet-regressed

(may be added to)

blacklist

(catchall cw tag is #flower boy dont look! i feel like dirk dont look might be an already used tag for some people hgsfcjj :'))

ANYTHING relevant to inc-st, p-dophilia, r-pe, ab-se, or isolation (tags: #incest, #incest mention, #pedophilia, #pedophilia mention, #rape, #rape mention, #abuse, #abuse mention, #isolation, #isolation mention)

the word “selfcest”

using he/him pronouns for me and/or implying that im a fem gender for using she/her

not exactly a trigger but i might act weird or cautious around alpha dave fictives & kins, nothing personal (technically) just trauma

making jokes about abandonment or death without joke tagging (though it still makes me VERY uncomfortable & anxious!!!)

discussion about breakups and/or exes in terms of a romantic/s-xual relationship (tags: #breakup, #breakup mention, #exes, #exes mention)

treating me like an object or subhuman, joking or not. just dont

using particularly harsh insults for me even as a joke—ie dumbfuck, wh-re, shitbag. im ok w being called a dumbass n bitch n stuff but only in a joking context!! if you want to know any other boundaries on that just shoot me an ask my dude. also dont call me slurs :(

the idea that fiction doesnt affect reality (points at myself then at my str-d-rc-st exotrauma. bitch)

i know its legit a part of my url but PLEASE dont call me roxanne unless we’re close!! it makes me uncomfy when strangers/acquaintances use my mid name for me :(

implying or stating that im guilttripping. my spirals, emotional outbursts, etc are almost always trauma responses. saying im guilttripping in itself when im actually in severe emotional distress is a trigger to my trauma with our exes. i have very little power over my spirals and often struggle in dealing with situations that are newer to me, emotionally and otherwise. i am not guilttripping, im acting on a trauma response.

if you put words into my mouth or twist what i say i guarantee you furorem will judoflip you. we have trauma with being lied about and intentionally misinterpreted too, thanks.

(may be added to)

thanks for reading!! have a fuckin fantastic day, yall

[oocneoblog]

Receipts

[[A lot of the vagueposts are missing, simply because I never thought it would have to come to this. By this point, I’m not even looking for an apology. It’s too late for that. Make of these receipts what you will, but hopefully you’ll understand why the tag has become such an unsafe place to me and my moirail.]]

[18/06/2015 20:04:15] *** ყøŘıck 👻 would like to add you on Skype

Hi, I'd like to connect with you on Skype. ***

[18/06/2015 20:04:23] *** Ted has shared contact details with 💎 yaakov. ***

[25/06/2015 20:43:36] ყøŘıck 👻: teddy bear what are your pronouns

i was using they for you but idw do that if you actually use something else srr

[25/06/2015 20:44:08] Ted: usually I go with "they" but sometimes I go with "ey" to avoid confusion with plurals

---

[06/09/2015 00:56:08] yorick ☁: hey can you. not namedrop shelby on my post, shelby has sent me messages picking on me when i have breakdowns and calls me "aggressive" and i have her blocked and i wanted to keep the post vague.

[06/09/2015 00:57:01] Ted: Ah, okay. I didn't realise you had her blocked now. She vented to me about vagueblogging in the past is all.

[06/09/2015 00:58:59] yorick ☁: yeah she and her group of friends have been really hurtful to me and idk

[06/09/2015 00:59:13] Ted: what group of friends?

[06/09/2015 01:01:13] yorick ☁: asheton, tiff, and idk if she's friends with meow but meow was really not great to me

[06/09/2015 01:02:16] Ted: yeah, I understand

[06/09/2015 01:02:45] Ted: haven't seen her interact with those people lately but I respect you and i'll try not to mention her around you

[06/09/2015 01:10:22] Ted: i think that might have come out badly, I've been having to write a lot of complicated thoughts down today and it's tired me out

[06/09/2015 01:10:40] Ted: but, like, i understand

[06/09/2015 01:18:40] yorick ☁: yeah its ok

[21/11/2015 00:23:03] 🌴 yorick: HAPPY BIRTHD 🎂

[21/11/2015 00:23:52] Ted: Yay! Thank you!!!

---

01/02/2016

devotedslothminion: who was it?

nosh-o-matic: idk if im comfortable saying because you're friends with them and idrw you telling them what i said

nosh-o-matic: idk you can probably deduce who i'm talking about but person in question reblogs from this blog (screenshots bcs i have that blog blocked) http://kumbricprince.tumblr.com/post/131251859912/since-they-have-me-blocked-heres-the-nonsense and other radfems who are anti-trans & anti-sex worker, plus the lovely post they just reblogged about menstruation specifically refers to a law found in the torah and afaik they're not jewish

devotedslothminion: ah, i'm working on the terf thing btw

like, i don't want to say why but there's some stuff you don't know about that's kind of basically making her afraid of everything right now

it wasn't clear to me that it was talking about the torah

devotedslothminion: i just want to say, just because someone reblogs a specific thing they relate to from a person, doesn't mean they share all the views of that person

devotedslothminion: i mean that in a reassuring way, btw

nosh-o-matic: i don't believe sympathizing with violent transmisogynists is okay especially if what they're sympathizing with is specifically anti-jew? like i don't need to know what's going on in her personal life but having personal reasons to nod her head in agreement with people who think transness is a cult and jewish traditions are disgusting doesn't make me comfortable with it

devotedslothminion: it's not anti-religious to criticise sexism in religious practices. like, i say this as someone who identifies as religious. sometimes you're just following someone because you're curious about their viewpoint and what made them that way.

and, like, you don't need to force yourself to feel comfortable with someone if you don't want to

devotedslothminion: a lot of our viewpoints on a group are based on our sole experience of that group, which may or may not be indicative of the whole

idk, i'm probably just stressing you out. i'm sorry.

nosh-o-matic: jews are a marginalized group so i will never believe it's okay for nonjews to criticize the torah? this isn't about religion as a whole... it's about judaism and i am v stressed out that someone i used to talk to on the daily is putting antisemitic stuff on my dash

devotedslothminion: like, i personally don't see how it was antisemitic but because i'm not jewish i take your word for it

like, idk what specified it as an attack against the torah specifically as opposed to christian tradition

because i'm not jewish

nosh-o-matic: the tenakh & torah (the old testament) are first and foremost jewish because christians appropriated the entire tenakh from us despite saying in the new testament that the old testament is obsolete. everything in the "old testament" is the tenakh and it's jewish

if that makes sense

devotedslothminion: the first christians were also jewish though? like, it was their culture and there's stories in there that were important to them, especially for context. (also, i've never been told that the old testament was obsolete, and i've seen a lot of christians quoting it)

devotedslothminion: paul the apostle was hesitant about sharing christianity with non-jews at first, so i don't know if it's right to call it appropriation when it was willingly shared and spread

nosh-o-matic: the first christians were EX jews who put their faith in a messiah that jews don't believe in plus modern christians are not descendents of ancient christians or jews in any way so i don't see what this has to do with me not wanting non-jews to criticize the torah

devotedslothminion: and yet god spoke to them

nosh-o-matic: i'm sorry but whst youre saying sounds like 'christians and christian-raised atheists can't be antisemitic because 2000 years ago the first christians were ex-jewish converts'

devotedslothminion: no, i'm not saying that

what you're saying sounds like non-jews who convert to judaism cannot identify as jews because they are not descended from ancient jews

nosh-o-matic: that's literally not what i'm saying, all jewish converts regardless of race/ethnicity are just as jewish as ethnic jews. i'm saying that ethnic jews who convert to christianity are not an authority on judaism, which literally doesn't matter anyway because this conversation sprung up because gabby reblogged something antisemitic despite not being ethnically or religiously jewish

nosh-o-matic: you kept saying "ill take your word for it because i'm not jewish" yet you're telling me what i should be okay with based on the writings in the new testament that aren't even a part of my faith

devotedslothminion: no i'm not, i don't see how you're taking that from what i'm saying

nosh-o-matic: can we move this to skype

devotedslothminion: if you want

---

[02/01/2016 19:06:11] 🌴 yorick: so the reason i'm getting this

"you kept saying "ill take your word for it because i'm not jewish" yet you're telling me what i should be okay with based on the writings in the new testament that aren't even a part of my faith"

is because you're telling me that based on the origins of christianity, written by ex-jews, in a book that isn't part of my faith, i shouldn't call christians using jewish texts as part of their faith appropriative because it was part of the culture of the first christians because they were ethnically jewish

and like, yeah, it was part of THEIR culture, but modern christians have no direct ties with ancient ones - modern christians are not jewish. (jewish converts ARE jewish because despite their not being of jewish ethnicity, they're spiritually jewish and are welcomed into the culture after going through the steps for conversion)

christianity as it exists is the belief that the laws of the torah (the mosaic law found in leviticus etc) are outdated and no longer meant to be observed because of jesus (who i do not believe in because i am jewish) being sacrificed for everyone's sins

it is anti-semitic for a christian/ex-christian to criticize the laws of the torah because christians believe those laws are obsolete

those laws are not christian, they're jewish

does that make sense

[02/01/2016 19:07:39] Ted: okay, I see your point, but I disagree that believing in jesus as the messiah made the early Christians non-Jewish.

[02/01/2016 19:09:27] Ted: they would have still identified as jews because they believed that it was a fulfilment of god's previous promises, citing prophecies in jewish scripture. the old testament is needed to give a full picture of Christianity, as without it, the new testament would have no context. do you see my point?

[02/01/2016 19:12:34] 🌴 yorick: that doesn't change the fact that the torah is jewish and jewish ONLY

this entire conversation sprung up because christians and christian-raised atheists believe it's okay to criticize JEWISH practices as long as they wrongly call them christian

[02/01/2016 19:24:27 | Edited 19:24:23] Ted: (I'm typing something up on my laptop but in the meantime I need to go eat something bc ny body's telling me it's low on sugar)

[02/01/2016 19:25:01] 🌴 yorick: aight

[02/01/2016 21:05:50] Ted: a lot of modern day Christians also follow those practices, which I think is what you were referring to with the appropriation comment earlier? (this is my understanding after having thought on it and what you've said since)

in a lot of places, said Christians appropriating ancient jewish laws/practices have undue influence on the power structures of society, and use these appropriated laws/customs to marginalise people they feel they can get away with stomping on. a criticism of the torah in that respect is supposed to reflect on that inappropriate deployment of those customs by the power-hungry, and on the nature of sexism in society as it currently is.

because many of us live in so-called Christian countries, criticising the power structure inherently involves criticising those laws that are falsely used to justify subjugation of the oppressed.

[02/01/2016 21:10:15] 🌴 yorick: there are plenty of people who are actually jewish who are already criticizing sexism in the torah so why is it necessary for goys to get involved you keep telling me what's okay to be upset with and what's not but i'm actually jewish and this upsets me

[02/01/2016 21:10:54] Ted: i'm not saying it's not okay to be upset. i'm sorry. I was just trying to make you feel better.

[02/01/2016 21:13:45] 🌴 yorick: i genuinely appreciate you trying to make me feel better but im also just not really comfrted by being goysplained to about the origins of christianity ykno

[02/01/2016 21:14:42] Ted: i was trying to explain the place people are coming from since you seemed upset and confused

[02/01/2016 21:14:56] Ted: i'm sorry if i misread the situation

[02/01/2016 21:16:14] Ted: the people making those posts don't necessarily think anything against Judaism was all i was trying to explain, and i hoped that might be of some comfort

[02/01/2016 21:22:15] 🌴 yorick: that's the problem though, that christians are the ones everyone automatically thinks of when they read the torah even though the torah is completely indisputably jewish and NOT christian

like that video where a bunch of non-muslim goys disguised a bible as a qu'ran and read from the OLD testament to prove that "christianity is violent"

that was antisemitic

the tanakh isn't christian, it is jewish and i'm uncomfortable with goys unloading criticism onto jewish texts when jews are a marginalized group and face the highest percentage of religious hate crime (62.4% of all religious hate crime in the US alone is anti-semitic hate crime)

and they will always get away with it too because they can use the same excuse "the old testament is actuslly christian"

[02/01/2016 21:23:35] Ted: i think in this case it was more that people had been quoted those verses to justify their suffering and so are lashing out against that, but i do see your point

[02/01/2016 21:25:28] Ted: like, there's going to have to be a balance at some point and idk what to say, but you're right that the root problem is appropriation

[02/01/2016 21:25:45] Ted: sorry that i made you have to explain all of that

---

[03/01/2016 03:57:02] Ted: Okay so gabby saw that vaguepost and now she's suicidal again great.

[03/01/2016 03:58:59] 🌴 yorick: i'm to blame for reacting when someone triggers me??? i also specifically told you i didn't want you to tell her when i was talking to you earlier so thanks for that

[03/01/2016 04:01:00] Ted: You didn't say that at all to my memory. You can choose to react by talking to someone you trust about it instead of making someone terrified they're going to have their name dragged through the dirt over something that ultimately wasn't their fault.

[03/01/2016 04:03:06] 🌴 yorick: my very first message to you was "idk if im comfortable saying because you're friends with them and idrw you telling them what i said"

how am i supposed to talk to someone i trust about ANYTHI G WHEN LITERALLY ALL OF YOU TALK SHIT ABOUT ME TO EACH OTHER BEHIND MY BACK? WHENEVER I HAVE ANY KIND OF EMOTIONAL REACTION EVERYONE GOES OFF AND WHISPERS ABOUT ME WITH THEIR CLIQUES

[03/01/2016 04:05:29] Ted: Sometimes it's hard being yelled at even if you know it's probably not that they hate you. Sometimes you need emotional support. Also, I didn't say anything that you'd said about her, only vaguely mentioned the subject matter being about appropriation of Judaism by christians.

[03/01/2016 04:09:04] 🌴 yorick: why doesn't everyone just fucking leave me alone everyon expects me to have pristine reactions to everything and then when i don't people hate me whenni didn't do ANYTHING EXCEPT DEFEND MYSELF

[03/01/2016 04:10:59] Ted: No one was attacking you this time. Vagueposts can be catastrophic when read by the wrong person, which is why I generally respond to them. I don't hate you, yorick.

[03/01/2016 04:13:21] 🌴 yorick: really because NOBODY GIVES A SHIT WHEN I SELF HARM BUT THEN WHEN I'M TRIGGERED BY SOMEONE I THOUGHT WAS MY FRIEND HSVING VIEWSS THAT LET ME KNOW THEY HATE ME IT'S MY FAULT THAT THEY'RE SUICIDAL AND I'M GARBAGE WHEN I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING

[03/01/2016 04:17:11] 🌴 yorick: I DIDN'T ASK TO BE GUILT TRIPPED ABOUT BEING UPSET ABJOUT SOMETHING THAT SHE WOULDN'T HAVE EVER SEEN IF YOU HADN'T SAID ANYTHING TO HER BUT HERE WE ARE FINE IT'S ALL MY FAULT AND I'M THE ONE WHO'S GUILTY LIKE ALWAYS

[03/01/2016 04:18:01] Ted: Why do you think she wouldn't have seen it?

[03/01/2016 04:18:41] 🌴 yorick: I BLOCKED HER & WHY WOULD SHE HAVE BEEN ON MY BLOG????

[03/01/2016 04:19:38] Ted: The only reason it was gabby I vented to is because literally everyone else is too busy ignoring me.

[03/01/2016 04:22:07] 🌴 yorick: leave me aloneyou don't care about me whatsoever you didnt listen when i told you not to tell gabhy what i was telling YOU ONLY and you didn't care about any of what i was saying either you only talked to me so you could spill everything to gabby and tell her HEY YORICK HATES YOU!!!

[03/01/2016 04:24:20] Ted: No, that's not true. I don't understand internet acronyms all that well and I was low on blood sugar at the time so my reading comprehension was shot.

[03/01/2016 04:26:44] 🌴 yorick: well whatevwr either way its literally all my fault i made gabby feel vad with my disgusting trans sex worker jew self and i should kms because yoa and ga bby would be so much happier and then you can tslk aboit me all you want

[03/01/2016 04:27:12] Ted: No, that's not true either.

[03/01/2016 04:29:12] Ted: I'm sorry that I don't talk to you all that often when it's not about social justice topics and things, but I do respect you, and I do like you. That's why I try to help.

[03/01/2016 04:31:32] Ted: Evidently I'm not that good at helping you feel better. Maybe it would be better if we just stopped talking, but... I do like you and I want you to be happy and feel safe.

[03/01/2016 04:33:25] 🌴 yorick: Ted - Today 10:57 PM

> Okay so gabby saw that vaguepost and now she's suicidal again great.

well thanks a bunvh this really helped me feel better when i already self harmed yesterday because i was sick with worry that one of my other friends hated me because i told her i love her and now SHE SAID SHE'S TALKING TO GABBY TOO SO SHE REALLY HATES ME NOW THANKS THANKS THANKS THANKS THANKS

[03/01/2016 04:36:52] Ted: Can you just... Not vaguepost about people I'm friends with? That would solve a lot, actually.

[03/01/2016 04:39:57] Ted: If you could talk to someone not involved instead, that would be better because it wouldn't put unnecessary tension on people trying to balance both friendships.

[03/01/2016 04:44:38] Ted: I try to help everyone, and sometimes that means pointing out destructive behavioural patterns. That's what my psychologists have done for me in the past and a lot of my friends have found it helpful.

[03/01/2016 04:47:25] 🌴 yorick: fine next time i find out someone who i thought i was friends with literally hates trans people jews and sex workers i'll just keep my damn mouth shut since everything isMY FAULT and im an asshole for having narcissistic perrsonslity disorder and no empathy and now i know that you can't keep a secret when i literally deal every day with people hating me because im trans and jewish and fuck off with pretending you care about me whatsoever you're just being nice because you want me to say yes sir!!! and delete all the posts about gabby so fuckign fine you get your wish

[03/01/2016 04:49:09] Ted: Gabby doesn't hate trans people, she's scared of a certain someone who isn't you and was bad to her. I talk about my transition that I'm going through all the time with her.

[03/01/2016 04:49:24] Ted: And I doubt she hates Jewish people either.

[03/01/2016 04:55:42] 🌴 yorick: mom abused me my entire childhood but that doesn't mean i get to announce to the world that i hate women and FUCK OFF WITH CALLING ME DESTRUCTIVE AND CRAZY LEAVE ME ALONE

[03/01/2016 04:56:13] Ted: I didn't call you destructive or crazy.

[03/01/2016 04:57:20] Ted: Sometimes we develop coping mechanisms that may or may not be harmful to ourselves and others in the end.

[03/01/2016 08:03:38] *** Ted blocked 💎 yaakov ***

---

[03/01/2016 04:53:46] Clare 🐻: Hey Ted can I talk to you

[03/01/2016 04:54:03] Ted: Yeah.

[03/01/2016 04:55:00] Ted: I know yorick thinks everyone hates them and I'm sorry for causing all of this. I'm trying to make it up but idk.

[03/01/2016 04:56:38] Clare 🐻: Right now I think they're most upset about you apparently saying they're destructive and should see a therapist?

[03/01/2016 04:57:53] Ted: "I try to help everyone, and sometimes that means pointing out destructive behavioural patterns. That's what my psychologists have done for me in the past and a lot of my friends have found it helpful."

[03/01/2016 04:58:55] Ted: A lot of this has been basically me talking calmly trying to explain that I'm not trying to attack them with words.

[03/01/2016 04:59:16] Ted: And that nobody else is tbh.

[03/01/2016 05:02:03] Clare 🐻: What do you mean by calmly

[03/01/2016 05:02:24] Clare 🐻: Like just no yelling, or being super zen

[03/01/2016 05:03:00] Ted: The first bit was emotional, the next not so much.

[03/01/2016 05:03:50] Ted: I am feeling pretty Zen right now but that's probably because I'm tired out from the meltdown I had earlier.

[03/01/2016 05:04:12] Ted: Insomnia yaaaay

[03/01/2016 05:06:15] Ted: I'm such a piece of shit friend, no wait. I know that's not true. I'm a great friend but sometimes I make catastrophic mistakes and it leads to situations like this where I have to argue about things that may exist or may not, but if they do then only pathetically.

[03/01/2016 05:09:49] Clare 🐻: Things that may exist or may not?

[03/01/2016 05:10:17] Ted: Gabby's supposed transphobia or antisemitism

[03/01/2016 05:11:03] Ted: Like, there's no way she's a threat. She cares too much and I'm too on the ball.

[03/01/2016 05:11:52] Clare 🐻: So you mean like, if she is antisemetic or transphobic, it's to such a low degree that it doesn't matter?

[03/01/2016 05:14:44] Ted: Pretty much. Like, I talk about being trans all the time. I'm going for transition and gabby is supportive. And I'm pretty sure she's not antisemitic, just anti-abrahamic maybe but it's for valid reasons. We've talked about theology and she knows that a few verses aren't indicative of a whole religion and its followers because she knows me as an example of a christian and I've talked about christians I know.

[03/01/2016 05:16:59 | Edited 05:16:58] Ted: Like, not that it doesn't matter but that it doesn't automatically affect how she views someone who belongs to those groups.

[03/01/2016 05:29:26] Clare 🐻: Well I understand where you're coming from but I worry that it's dangerous to ignore low degrees of prejudice--as I understand it gabby's only instance of transphobia is her radfem leanings, but in itself that's still enough to make a lot of trans people really uncomfortable really fast.

Obviously it's at the discretion of every individual, and I don't mean to imply gabby isn't a good friend to you--just that however you perceive her views it's clear that Yorick doesn't share that perception, and feels unsafe talking to her

however you feel about Yorick and their beliefs (from what I understand there was a respectful disagreement earlier?) i think you really hurt their feelings with the destructive behavior/therapy stuff, even if that wasn't your intent--they feel like you're saying they're destructive, or like they're not worth listening to, I think

[03/01/2016 05:31:15] Ted: And I have since explained that that was not what I was saying. I have been challenging gabby on her terf leanings consistently since they came to light, something I have also said to yorick.

[03/01/2016 05:34:05] Clare 🐻: Could you tell me what you were saying or trying to say

I'm getting a lot of third person info ;;

[03/01/2016 05:36:07] Ted: I don't have access to tumblr im at the moment.

[03/01/2016 05:36:40] Ted: I also can't copy more than one message at a time from skype.

[03/01/2016 05:37:13] Clare 🐻: Oh I just meant could you like. Paraphrase

[03/01/2016 05:38:34] Ted: Like as far as I can remember I said "I'm working on the terf thing" and what yorick's been accusing gabby of is that she outright hates trans people and jews

[03/01/2016 05:42:14] Ted: I've never seen her reblog anything overtly terf or antisemitic. (yorick and I disagreed on the antisemitism inherent in this one post, which is what started the argument basically because I didn't understand what they were getting at. I do now understand what they were getting at but I feel like it was more just antisemitic by association than overtly antisemitic as they were portraying)

[03/01/2016 05:43:14] Clare 🐻: So like, antisemetic via anti-Abrahamic religion

[03/01/2016 05:43:20] Ted: A lot of my beef with yorick is about their skewed portrayal of people's views, which wouldn't be a problem if they weren't so public about it.

[03/01/2016 05:43:22] Ted: Yeah.

[03/01/2016 05:43:30] Ted: Exactly.

[03/01/2016 05:43:41] Clare 🐻: So public about it?

[03/01/2016 05:44:28 | Edited 05:46:23] Ted: Vagueposting publicly. Gabby felt like she was being called out for views she doesnt have and that's why she deleted and started contemplating suicide.

[03/01/2016 05:45:37 | Edited 05:46:44] Ted: I should have used better judgement in that case but i really did not know that this would happen because of one vent.

[03/01/2016 05:48:16] Ted: Yorick expects me to have perfect judgment and automatically know 100% their current status with all known friends.

[03/01/2016 05:49:01] Ted: And if I make a mistake well obviously I hate them and agree with every single one of their enemies.

[03/01/2016 05:51:48] Clare 🐻: Mm, and I think yorick feels like you were blaming them for making gabby suicidal when you talked earlier?

My perspective is like

the whole point of vagueblogging is that it doesn't call the person out

I think with Yorick it's less about making mistakes and more about owning up to them and trying to better, which is their big beef with gabby--like as I understand it Yorick doesn't see you as an enemy, but as a friend, which is why what they interpreted you as having said hurt them as much as it did. Like you still care about them, right?

[03/01/2016 05:53:44] Ted: Yeah, of course. But vagueposting is inherently risky and can often feel manipulative if it's obvious who it's about.

[03/01/2016 05:55:09] Ted: When you're being yelled at it's hard not to feel attacked. And when I get yelled at I go into my self-preservation mode to stop me from going back into that spiral of depression, psychosos and anxiety.

[03/01/2016 05:55:56] Ted: And that involves instantly dismissing any criticism until I'm in a state where I can think clearly.

[03/01/2016 05:57:31] Ted: I would never vaguepost to a community about a member of that community - especially a friend. I've always seen more harm than good come from a vaguepost.

[03/01/2016 06:02:42] Clare 🐻: Idk I think there's a certain merit in vagueblogging, as a way to blow off steam without Starting Shit--like this was all on yoricks main right? So not even in the community

That being said I get what you mean about the dynamic that emerges when it's obvious who's being talked about--but nobody is guiltless of that in this case

[03/01/2016 06:03:14] Ted: Actually it was on their neoblog - I don't follow their main.

[03/01/2016 06:03:41] Clare 🐻: Oh whoops. Scratch that then

[03/01/2016 06:05:04] Ted: They've vagueposted before about a friend of mine in terms that made their identity clearly obvious to anyone in the neotag who had been paying attention to their dashboards lately.

[03/01/2016 06:07:09] Ted: On their neoblog.

[03/01/2016 06:08:45] Ted: And you know what set off my argument with archiie - a vaguepost.

[03/01/2016 06:10:18] Ted: In those cases all it does is serve to turn the person who was vagueposted about into the aggressor, whether they were or not to begin with.

[03/01/2016 06:14:18] Clare 🐻: What would you recommend instead though?

[03/01/2016 06:14:41] Ted: Venting to an uninvolved party.

[03/01/2016 06:15:46] Ted: Which can help to clear your head and give you perspective, as well as confirmation when required.

[03/01/2016 06:22:36] Clare 🐻: What if there isn't an uninvolved party

[03/01/2016 06:23:56] Ted: Then you just gotta bite the bullet and talk to someone who is involved. Vagueposting when everyone is involved is a recipe for disaster.

[03/01/2016 06:30:54] Clare 🐻: I agree with the vagueblogging part but not the talking to someone involved part, like you were venting to gabby earlier right? And it turned into this clusterfuck of a situation. Would you not vagueblog about it if you could go back in time?

[03/01/2016 06:32:00] Ted: Idk, I needed to vent to someone. I didn't tell her about the vaguepost because i knew that would upset her.

[03/01/2016 06:32:29] Ted: I was going towards a meltdown. I need to vent when that is the case.

[03/01/2016 06:33:42] Ted: It was partly also so she didn't think I was ignoring her, because she's been on a dangerous self-loathing streak lately.

[03/01/2016 06:37:18] Clare 🐻: Yeah I can understand that

Idk I just think vagueblogging or even like, making a Facebook status are a lot less liable to cause trouble, but that's just based on my experiences, & where I think Yorick was at earlier

[03/01/2016 06:39:55] Ted: My sister's ex girlfriend once vagueposted about her on facebook and some of my sister's friends liked it because they didn't have context, but my sister saw it and basically had a mental breakdown over it.

[03/01/2016 06:41:19] Ted: Had I not been there to jump in as defender, it would have lead to another suicide attempt.

[03/01/2016 06:43:24] Ted: There's a difference between vagueblogging to vent and vagueblogging to manipulate. With the latter, people do it so they know that their mutual friends don't hate them for their falling out with the other person, which can be very helpful to know but can be seriously damaging to the other person.

[03/01/2016 06:43:53] Ted: I'm not calling yorick manipulative btw.

[03/01/2016 06:44:08] Ted: I'm talking about a normal human reaction here.

[03/01/2016 06:44:11] Clare 🐻: Ah good I was just about to ask

[03/01/2016 06:47:46] Clare 🐻: to me yoricks initial vagueblogging was just venting

If they wanted support or agreement it would be a lot easier to vague about it in a group chat

& yeah it got progressively more overt but they were basically blogging at each other at that point

[03/01/2016 06:48:30] Ted: Gabby's post wasn't in response to yorick's.

[03/01/2016 06:48:41] Ted: That was also my mistake.

[03/01/2016 06:49:53] Ted: Yorick told me they'd unfollowed her, so I figured, like, since it wasn't common knowledge, that particular disagreement... You know?

[03/01/2016 06:50:28] Ted: Also i didn't see what went down on tumblr after I posted my fic.

[03/01/2016 06:51:21] Ted: She needed to vent.

[03/01/2016 06:51:37] Ted: Man I'm such a hypocrite.

[03/01/2016 06:52:00] Ted: I didn't know that yorick would be checking her blog either.

[03/01/2016 06:52:21] Ted: They told me they'd unfollowed, so I assumed that was it.

[03/01/2016 06:52:43] Ted: Gabby's been afraid of yorick for quite a while.

[03/01/2016 06:53:43] Ted: I shouldn't have mentioned them at all. But can you see why I don't want to tell yorick my reasoning in what mistake I made?

[03/01/2016 06:54:21] Ted: To tell them that gabby was afraid of them would cause very bad things.

[03/01/2016 06:55:26] Ted: I'm usually so good at the mediation thing, giving people space to vent.

[03/01/2016 06:56:18] Ted: It's when I'm yelled at for trying to explain a different point of view that I just close up and end up needing to vent myself, which makes me part of the problem.

[03/01/2016 06:56:49] Ted: I forgot the circles of crisis, support inwards dump outwards.

[03/01/2016 06:57:10] Ted: I guess I didn't have anyone else to dump onto at the time.

[03/01/2016 06:58:41] Ted: Everything's shit now.

[03/01/2016 06:59:13] Ted: It's my stupid fault for caring.

[03/01/2016 07:08:37] Ted: No it's not. Idk. Caring is useful. I feel numb. On the one hand I know I'm entitled to be upset by this but on the other my cbt kicks in and tells me I don't have to be upset so I just... I just...

[03/01/2016 07:32:43] Clare 🐻: Hey now. I don't think it's anybody's fault. You couldn't have foreseen this, and it's better to vent than keep it all inside.

Everybody involved is really upset and you're all blaming yourselves but the only thing anybody can do now is apologize, try to learn, and most importantly tend to individual mental health

[03/01/2016 07:33:12] Ted: Hard to do that when someone is vaguely accusing you of being an anti-Semite in their tags.

[03/01/2016 07:33:56] Ted: Tend to individual mental health, I mean.

[03/01/2016 07:38:59] Clare 🐻: Fair point

But it's hard for Yorick to tend their mental health when they perceive antisemitism, too

Idk since I'm catholic I'm inclined to err on the side of shutting up as fast as possible, bc I know shit all about Judaism outside of Passover

Imo it's a lot less stressful to do research than talk to ppl, but I'm an awkward little hermit. So

[03/01/2016 07:39:27] Ted: they are giving the impression (and actually stated to me) that when they call someone an anti-Semite they mean that they hate all jews

[03/01/2016 07:40:09] Ted: oh and now they've changed their skype name to "destructive behaviour"

[03/01/2016 07:40:29] Ted: I cannot

[03/01/2016 07:40:31] Ted: i can't

[03/01/2016 07:40:33] Ted: i

[03/01/2016 07:44:45] Ted: i just want it to stop

[03/01/2016 07:45:15] Ted: everything feels like a stab in the heart

[03/01/2016 07:45:42] Ted: i was going to be okay but now i'm not okay at all

[03/01/2016 07:46:27] Ted: i know they're not doing it to hurt me but

[03/01/2016 07:46:31] Ted: i can't deal with this

[03/01/2016 07:46:56] Ted: i can't do anything i can't block them they'll take it personally

[03/01/2016 07:49:27] Ted: this is primary 2 all over again i can't deal with this

[03/01/2016 08:01:09] Clare 🐻: They're doing it to stab themself in the heart tbqh

They worry a lot about their behavior

[03/01/2016 08:01:14] Clare 🐻: Here you know what

[03/01/2016 08:01:25] Clare 🐻: I'm formally asking you to block them

[03/01/2016 08:03:12] Clare 🐻: I'll let them know I asked, they won't take it personally, and you both take a break to sort through everything individually

[03/01/2016 08:04:29] Ted: i like yorick

[03/01/2016 08:04:41] Ted: how will i know when to unblock them

[03/01/2016 08:06:15] Clare 🐻: I don't know tbh

I'm hoping a sign presents itself

[03/01/2016 08:06:53] Ted: they still think of me as an anti-Semite and probably a transphobe too

[03/01/2016 08:11:20] Clare 🐻: Well I know they don't think you're a transphobe, and idrk what you guys talked about re: religion so I can't comment on the antisemitism but I think mostly they're upset because they think you see them as like a destructive lunatic

Like you're both more conscious of how you think the other person sees you than how you see the other person, if that makes sense

[03/01/2016 08:12:27] Ted: Filed under HOW CAN I CHILL WHEN Y'ALL ARE ANTISEMITES HUH,not neo

[03/01/2016 08:13:57] Ted: and if their standards for gabby and their standards for me are the same, they think i am an anti-Semite and transphobe because i defended someone they see as a terf and an antisemite

[03/01/2016 08:14:43] Ted: i was about to go copy something they said to me in the skype chat but i forgot i blocked them

[03/01/2016 08:17:15] Ted: and i cannot say anything about how they made me feel because they are easily upset and already think that i hate them

[03/01/2016 08:18:05] Ted: idk, i'm going round in circles

---

---

[03/01/2016 15:21:05] Clare 🐻: How are the circles going

[03/01/2016 15:21:49] Ted: I'm talking to yorick again, so it's turned into more of a wiggly line now.

[03/01/2016 15:22:23] Clare 🐻: What's going on w that

[03/01/2016 15:23:35] Ted: From what I gather, they made a possibly half-hearted attempt at suicide and are now freaking out that everyone's going to call them a baby for not following through.

[03/01/2016 15:23:58] Ted: They think that me and gabby and Shelby all hate them because they have npd.

[03/01/2016 15:24:57] Ted: When, even if I did hate them, it wouldn't be for having a mental illness, it would be from their effectively running gabby from the community.

[03/01/2016 15:26:08] Ted: And maybe for yelling at me when I was trying to help, idk. But I can see when someone's having a breakdown while talking to me and I'm more lenient on them usually.

[03/01/2016 15:26:18] Ted: Idk if that makes sense?

[03/01/2016 15:29:55] Ted: I'm not very good with open questions

[03/01/2016 15:43:35] Clare 🐻: To be fair though vagueblogging is hardly running someone from the community

Like Yorick takes things really personally, that's probably the biggest npd thing they do, so to complain about something in what they interpreted as a safe space, and then have all this shit happen, like...

I dunno man, yorick feels like shit and it does seem like a lot of people are shutting the door on them because of their pd, you know? Not you necessarily, idrk what's up with you two, but... People shut them out for stuff that they hate about themselves. You know?

[03/01/2016 15:48:31] Ted: That doesn't make their behaviour any less hurtful though. I feel like I am going to have to step back from my friendship with them because I really cannot deal with being yelled at while I'm having a meltdown and I'm sure they're the same. I don't want to make them feel like I'm yelling at them every time we have a disagreement.

[03/01/2016 15:56:42] Ted: We're just going to keep hurting each other unless something changes.

[03/01/2016 16:00:02] Clare 🐻: I can understand that. & like I get that it's hurtful to be told you're antisemetic or whatever else but I just want you to recognize they aren't saying that to hurt you or to get their way, they're just trying to communicate how deeply antisemitism (real or perceived) from a friend hurts them

And really, I do understand where you're coming from, I just don't think friend-dumping them is the answer here

[03/01/2016 16:00:59] Ted: Do you know why I even asked yorick who they were vagueposting about? Because I thought "wow, that sounds like a really awful person" and I wanted to know who it was so I could avoid them.

[03/01/2016 16:02:07] Clare 🐻: So what does that mean for you and gabby?

[03/01/2016 16:03:19] Ted: That I had to help yorick understand that gabby wasn't being a threat.

[03/01/2016 16:04:06] Ted: That interpretation of the post is what she would have expected everyone to have, which is why she deleted her tumblr and wanted to kill herself.

[03/01/2016 16:05:12] Ted: That's why I wanted to try and help yorick reroute their coping mechanisms into something that isn't going to lose them friends.

[03/01/2016 16:05:57] Ted: It's a destructive feedback loop, which is what I was trying to get at.

[03/01/2016 16:06:29] Ted: Vagueposting about someone in the community is a great way to get people to start taking sides.

[03/01/2016 16:07:44] Ted: And unfortunately for yorick, I'm taking sides with gabby.

[03/01/2016 16:10:21] Clare 🐻: So you did basically tell yorick they were destructive and needed therapy

[03/01/2016 16:10:22] Clare 🐻: ?

[03/01/2016 16:10:59] Ted: I already gave you the quote earlier.

[03/01/2016 16:11:26 | Edited 16:11:16] Clare 🐻: Yeah I just didn't read it that way initially so I'm. Confused

[03/01/2016 16:13:20] Ted: I basically told them I was trying to challenge and help with what I saw as destructive behavioural/thought patterns, which was what psychologists have done for me and what I have done for my other friends in the past. They took it the wrong way, it seems.

[03/01/2016 16:14:57] Ted: There's a difference between what I was saying and what they perceived me as saying, and that seems to be a consistent problem with yorick. I cant operate as a friend under these conditions because i have a natural urge to comfort.

[03/01/2016 16:20:47] Clare 🐻: Well yeah, but they spend a shit ton of time worrying that they're destructive so it's not exactly comforting to have a friend tell them they're overreacting and they're gonna drive people away

Like that shit hurts, you know

I get that you were just trying to help, which is awesome, but. Idk if you don't know how someone feels about their illness then suggesting ways to 'fix' it might not be a great idea

[03/01/2016 16:21:32] Ted: Well if they want to drive me away then so be it.

[03/01/2016 16:22:14] Clare 🐻: Dude.

[03/01/2016 16:22:21] Ted: I have to be honest with people. It's how I'm programmed. I cannot be friends with yorick if it means denying my own feelings.

[03/01/2016 16:22:45] Ted: Idk, I know they don't want to but that seems to be your argument.

[03/01/2016 16:23:24] Ted: That I shouldn't try to comfort a friend who's feeling like everyone's out to get them when they're not.

[03/01/2016 16:23:41] Clare 🐻: That's not my argument at all.

[03/01/2016 16:24:09] Ted: So tell me, how do i explain to yprick that we're not all out to get them without implying that they're overreacting.

[03/01/2016 16:25:29] Clare 🐻: I'm saying you shouldn't tell a friend how to feel about being triggered, much less tell them that their being upset is driving people off

[03/01/2016 16:25:51] Ted: I didn't even say that, explicitly.

[03/01/2016 16:26:18] Clare 🐻: Then what were you saying

[03/01/2016 16:26:37] Ted: So what should I do when yorick starts driving people off? Nothing?

[03/01/2016 16:27:02] Ted: It's not their being upset, it's the way they channel those emotions.

[03/01/2016 16:27:18] Clare 🐻: Yeah, nothing

[03/01/2016 16:27:34] Ted: Then I cannot be friends with yorick.

[03/01/2016 16:27:56] Ted: If that is what they need, then I cannot be the friend they need.

[03/01/2016 16:30:02] Ted: Friends don't ask friends for something they can't provide, and yorick's and my needs are incompatible.

[03/01/2016 16:31:27] Clare 🐻: You can't backseat drive peoples' lives, though

Like if yorick makes mistakes it's not your job as their friend to point it out and tell them how to fix it. That's some helicopter parent shit right there

[03/01/2016 16:32:17] Ted: I only ever try to offer comfort and advice. It's when people YELL AT ME for it that I cannot be their friend.

[03/01/2016 16:32:54] Ted: I offered comfort because they sounded distressed.

[03/01/2016 16:33:32] Ted: My friendship with gabby, for instance, does not include yelling at someone who's trying to help.

[03/01/2016 16:35:07] Clare 🐻: I respect the motive of trying to help but I just can't see how that advice could be interpreted as anything but criticism

[03/01/2016 16:35:54] Ted: You didn't see the whole conversation, and I am unable to provide a transcript

[03/01/2016 16:36:41 | Edited 16:36:31] Ted: What I tried to say was "gabby doesn't mean those things" but yorick took it as "you're overreacting and I hate you"

[03/01/2016 16:37:31] Ted: But hey, I should be used to people getting the wrong impression from my words, I'm fucking autistic.

[03/01/2016 16:38:32] Ted: No one ever cares if there's something going on outside of what they've been told of me. No allistic ever gets the wrong impression of my actions therefore the allistic is to be believed over me.

[03/01/2016 16:39:26 | Edited 16:48:05] Ted: I'm not saying this is what's happening in your case it just happens too fucking often and I'm sick of always being the misunderstood victim who only tried to help.

[03/01/2016 16:40:26] Ted: But hey, usually helping does work so I can see when I might be better off leaving someone who would be better helped by a friendship with someone else.

[03/01/2016 16:42:31 | Edited 16:43:21] Ted: Something my psychologist helped me to see is that emotional reactions to someone's behaviour is to be expected. People yorick hurts by their coping mechanisms have as much right to be hurt as they did in the first place.

[03/01/2016 16:43:21] Ted: Just like I don't fault yorick for being hurt by my "criticism"

[03/01/2016 16:44:54] Ted: Or by gabby's reblogs

[03/01/2016 16:54:08] Clare 🐻: It seems like you do tbh like that's the whole reason you're friend dumping them, no?

I don't mean to imply that people can't be hurt by yorick. I worry more that people dismiss yoricks opinions when they're hurt

Idk what's happened to you in the past because of your autism but it sounds like people misinterpreted a lot of stuff, and you know what? That sucks. That's fucking awful, and I'm sorry you had to go through that. But people do that to yorick, too. It's not fair that either of you should be discredited or ignored for how your brains work.

[03/01/2016 16:55:27] Ted: How my brain works and how yorick's brain works are not compatible for a healthy friendship.

[03/01/2016 16:56:02] Ted: We're too similar but too different.

[03/01/2016 16:57:50] Ted: I feel like I am not allowed to have an opinion around yorick that differs even slightly from their own. A big part of my friendships involves discussing and debating each others points of view.

[03/01/2016 16:58:44] Ted: I feel like I cant express myself in case it hurts them, yet feeling safe to express myself is a need.

[03/01/2016 16:59:59] Ted: Do you see why I feel we are incompatible as friends?

[03/01/2016 17:23:37] Clare 🐻: I think so but it kind of seems like it's because of their npd which you said earlier it wasn't so now idk

[03/01/2016 17:25:07] Ted: I said I didn't hate them for their npd, but their needs as a person with npd and my needs as a person with autism make us incompatible.

---

[03/01/2016 19:16:16] Clare 🐻: Yorick wanted me to ask if you could unblock them for a minute? I think they want to apologize

[03/01/2016 19:16:51] Ted: I don't know how to do that from my phone :(

[03/01/2016 19:59:50] Clare 🐻: Apparently you add them then click on their profile? I think there's a toggle or something idrk

[03/01/2016 20:03:54] Ted: What's their username?

[03/01/2016 20:04:45] Ted: Like, I'm not going to lie to them. I don't really know if this is a good idea.

[03/01/2016 20:05:09] Clare 🐻: [[removed]] I think

[03/01/2016 20:05:43] Clare 🐻: Idt you're gonna have to lie to them like really I think they just wanna say sorry

[03/01/2016 20:06:19] Ted: I'll give them that opportunity.

---

[03/01/2016 20:07:02] Ted: I unblocked you.

[03/01/2016 20:21:53] 🌴 yorick: clare said you were mad at me because i was yelling at you and i tried to apologize last night but you had already blocked me so im sorry i yelled at you

---

[03/01/2016 20:30:01] Ted: idk what to say that won't hurt them or be a lie

[03/01/2016 20:31:51] Ted: honestly this whole argument has drained me. it's been going on for more than 24 hours and I've only had 3 hours sleep because of it.

[03/01/2016 20:32:18] Ted: i'm not in a good place to judge what is and is not a harsh thing to say

[03/01/2016 20:32:48] Ted: can you give my love to yorick and let them know that i'm not ignoring them out of spite?

[03/01/2016 20:37:08] Clare 🐻: Yeah, of course

[03/01/2016 20:37:24] Ted: thank you

---

[04/01/2016 14:00:08] Ted: What's important to you in a friend?

[04/01/2016 15:28:45] 🌴 yorick: they care about me and love me and are honest and i can trust them with my secrets

[04/01/2016 15:30:50] Ted: I accidentally say or do things that end up offending people or hurt them. You've seen me do it before and it's going to keep happening. It's not something I can change about myself.

[04/01/2016 15:33:49] 🌴 yorick: everyone hurts people and being a good friend isn't about never hurting or offending your friends, it's about how you rectify the situation after you know you've hurt or offend someone

[04/01/2016 15:37:03] Ted: I need to feel free to express myself honestly, I need a friend who knows that when I am harsh, it is not because I want to hurt them. When someone takes what I say the wrong way, it's very triggering for me. It reminds me of all the people who have gotten the wrong end of the stick and punished me for it without letting me explain.

[04/01/2016 15:44:13] 🌴 yorick: i can understand not wanting to be punished when you didn't do anything wrong

because how do you think i feel when you tell me in more words that you don't want to be friends anymore immediately after a suicide attempt

how do you think i felt when i tried to apologize for it and you willfully didn't acknowledge my apology even to say "hey can we talk about this later" and instead told clare that you weren't going to speak to me

how do you think i felt when all day yesterday i was crying and couldn't eat or drink anything and not understanding why i was being punished for trying to kms and the only reason i was able to sleep last night without trying again is because clare talked me down

[04/01/2016 15:45:39] Ted: I explained to Clare why I couldn't talk to you and asked her to pass on my feelings. I could not talk to you at that time.

[04/01/2016 15:46:51] Ted: When I try to explain things when tired or emotional, that is when I am more likely to hurt someone with my words. I knew you were already hurt, and I didn't want to hurt you any more.

[04/01/2016 15:48:27] 🌴 yorick: you hurt me by ignoring me

[04/01/2016 15:49:14] Ted: I asked her to tell you that I wasn't doing it to hurt you.

[04/01/2016 15:50:40] Ted: Please stop expecting me to know what to say. I will hurt you. Please let me go so that I can stop hurting you. I'm not a good friend for you, yorick.

[04/01/2016 15:54:46] 🌴 yorick: i don't CARE if you hurt me

friends hurt each other

i care that you won't apologize for hurting me even though it wasn't your intention to

even though you didn't mean to, you still hurt me and instead of trying to rectify it you're doing the opposite and making up excuse after excuse for why you were justified in everything you did and now you're going to cut me out of your life for something that could be made okay if you just said you're sorry

[04/01/2016 15:57:30] Ted: Clare told me it's better that I say nothing than say something that might hurt you. The hurting you was unintentional, but I need to express myself. This is why i say our needs are not compatible. I am not sorry for what I said when I was trying to calm you down.

[04/01/2016 15:59:01] Ted: Irl it's a constant that I am portrayed as an aggressor simply for having an emotional reaction. Yet it is unhealthy for me to repress my emotions.

[04/01/2016 16:00:36] Ted: I'm sorry that I hurt you yorick, really I am, but it's not something I can change.

[04/01/2016 16:01:17] 🌴 yorick: clare isn't me

why are you taking clare's words about what i want over mine

i would rather fix things than toss a friendship aside

i forgive you and i still want to be friends

[04/01/2016 16:02:20] 🌴 yorick: i already said i don't care if you say something that hurts me

all that matters is that i know afterwards that you still care about me

[04/01/2016 16:04:34] Ted: I don't like hurting my friends, but it's clear that the way I try to help when somebody else hurts you only hurts you more.

[04/01/2016 16:09:05] 🌴 yorick: cutting me out of your life over some small shit that escalated is going to hurt me worlds more than anything you could ever say to me

friends abandoning me is my worst fear and it happens so often

at thisbpoint it's your call but i thought i should tell you that i don't blame you for being emotional

so

yeah

[04/01/2016 16:10:31] Ted: Do you know why the content of the vaguepost hurt Gabby so much?

[04/01/2016 16:11:05] 🌴 yorick: no

[04/01/2016 16:12:06] Ted: Because she thought that everyone who knew it was about her would turn on her because they would think she was evil and selfish.

[04/01/2016 16:14:40] 🌴 yorick: then i'm sorry for personally hurting gabby

that was an emotional reaction on my part at seeing someone i had been friends with sympathizes with views that are dangerous to me, being a jewish trans person, but i didn't mean to hurt her personally and im sorry

[04/01/2016 16:17:18] Ted: That is understandable, and I forgive you. I just want to let you know that the reason I asked who it was about was because I saw it and thought "wow, that sounds like a horrible person" and I wanted to know who it was so I could avoid them.

[04/01/2016 16:21:45] 🌴 yorick: do you and gabby know why i reacted so badly to what she said

gender essentialism is transphobic violence, and lumping jews in with christians ("monotheists") and painting us as a misogynistic oppressor religion is antisemitic violence and the latter is a tactic frequently used by white supremacists

i am still sorry for hurting her but i think it's important that you know i didn't pull this conflict out of my ass and that this stuff really hurt me too

[04/01/2016 16:22:17] Ted: I know, and I'm sorry.

[04/01/2016 16:22:40] Ted: Should I pass on your apology to gabby?

[04/01/2016 16:23:33] 🌴 yorick: yea

[04/01/2016 16:23:43] 🌴 yorick: can me and you be friends again

[04/01/2016 16:23:53] Ted: Yes.

[04/01/2016 16:24:50] 🌴 yorick: do you really really mean it

[04/01/2016 16:26:13] Ted: I do. Thank you for explaining things to me.

[04/01/2016 16:27:27] 🌴 yorick: do you wanna virtually hug it out

[04/01/2016 16:27:52] Ted: okay *hugs*

[04/01/2016 16:32:20] 🌴 yorick: the new year has been full of fighting so far so i'm reverting back to using the hebrew calendar

the new year 5777 doesn't start until october so i have plenty of time to start being nice

[04/01/2016 16:34:21] Ted: Well you've already made a start by patching things up with me.

[04/01/2016 16:36:59] 🌴 yorick: so are we really foreally friends i need assurance

[04/01/2016 16:37:45] Ted: Yes. :)

[04/01/2016 16:38:51] 🌴 yorick: prove it by telling me i have cute neopets

[04/01/2016 16:40:01] Ted: Send me a link so I can be genuine.

[04/01/2016 16:44:20] 🌴 yorick: http://www.neopets.com/userlookup.phtml?user=supsujums look at my children

[04/01/2016 16:44:55] 🌴 yorick: fun sloth fact i traded a uc sloth halloween moehog for katfink

[04/01/2016 16:45:43] Ted: Wow, those are really cute!

[04/01/2016 16:53:36] 🌴 yorick: they like you too

[04/01/2016 16:53:54] Ted: Awwww!

---

[04/01/2016 15:48:17 | Removed 16:31:17] Ted: This message has been removed.

[04/01/2016 16:31:29] Ted: Nevermind, it's okay, we sorted it out.

[04/01/2016 21:37:07] Clare 🐻: Sorted what out?

[04/01/2016 21:37:36] Ted: The conflict.

[04/01/2016 21:49:28] Clare 🐻: Which conflict

[04/01/2016 21:50:33] Ted: The conflict me and yorick were having.

[04/01/2016 21:51:01] Ted: The one you were helping me make sense of the other night.

[04/01/2016 21:51:21] Clare 🐻: Ahhhh okay

[04/01/2016 21:51:50] Clare 🐻: So what did yall work out?

[04/01/2016 21:52:07] Ted: We're friends again.

[04/01/2016 21:52:57] Clare 🐻: Sweet!! Is everything okay?

[04/01/2016 21:54:17] Ted: So far, yeah. I mean gabby's still angry and will be for a very long time, but yorick understands why now.

[04/01/2016 21:56:08] Clare 🐻: Hmm alright

You and Yorick are cool though ?

[04/01/2016 21:57:49] Ted: Pretty much. They apologised and I apologised. I'm still shaken but I have perspective now.

[04/01/2016 22:03:41] Clare 🐻: Perspective?

[04/01/2016 22:05:25] Ted: Like, of what was going on and stuff. How yorick feels about me. Etc.

[04/01/2016 22:08:46] Clare 🐻: Ahh okay

---

[07/03/2016 02:11:34] Gabby "痛い" C.: (( i honestly don't feel welcome or safe in the neopets community ))

[07/03/2016 02:11:46] Gabby "痛い" C.: (( my own special interest fuckin hates me ))

[07/03/2016 04:26:00] Gabby "痛い" C.: (( if i was enough i wouldn't be like this!!!! i wouldn't have been sexually assaulted several times by my ex!!!! i wouldn't have been bullied and harassed throughout my entire school career!!!! ))

[08/03/2016 04:24:03] Gabby "痛い" C.: (( at this point i'm almost ready to outright write a suicide note on tumblr and start planning my funeral ))

[08/03/2016 04:25:40] Gabby "痛い" C.: (( but then there's the issue of quickly, efficiently, and painlessly dying. that's a doozy i haven't solved yet ))

[08/03/2016 04:29:38] Gabby "痛い" C.: (( the only reason i'm even thinking about staying alive is sheer obligation (example: you, my cats at home, etc) ))

---

[07/03/2016 00:58:41] Ted: weird request: can you reassure me that I didn't just alienate myself from the whole chat?

[07/03/2016 00:59:28] bean 📻: i don't think you alienated urself, nobody is really online rn and i didn't even see what happened ;;

[07/03/2016 01:00:21] Ted: just everyone suddenly stopped talking after I shared my link, and it wasn't on topic and just idk, I guess i'm still anxious from what happened the last time I was in a neotag group chat

[07/03/2016 01:01:00] bean 📻: don't sweat it, the chat gets really quiet up until the next neogames

the radio silence in there is totally normal and not because of ur link

[07/03/2016 01:01:17] Ted: thank you

---

[13/03/2016 04:16:35] bean 📻: Heyo, I just wanted to message you to let you know that a few people in the chat felt a little uncomfortable with the use of 'cr*zy

[13/03/2016 04:16:41] Ted: oh

[13/03/2016 04:16:46] Ted: but

[13/03/2016 04:17:04] Ted: what do I call him then?

[13/03/2016 04:17:43] bean 📻: well in the neogames I call him Dr Sloth Wannabe, but shorten it to DSW whenever something happens related to him

you can call him w/e you want, it's just that a few people felt a little uncomfortable w/ the slur

[13/03/2016 04:19:09] Ted: i

[13/03/2016 04:19:54] Ted: I would rather explain to them personally where the name comes from to be perfectly honest

[13/03/2016 04:21:59] bean 📻: I don't want to name any names because I don't want to tarnish your experience in chat, but a few of the people who spoke up told me that they've had that slur leveled against them and it makes them really uncomfortable to see someone else call their own OC by that

[13/03/2016 04:22:08] Ted: do these pesopl even know that I have a history wof sphychosis

[13/03/2016 04:22:50] Ted: that si t nknow gine well what it's like to bee  ac vifctim eof stignma

[13/03/2016 04:23:09] Ted: thisf inns't the first time

[13/03/2016 04:24:04] Ted: he is not some stereotype

[13/03/2016 04:24:14] Ted: his name is not a joke

[13/03/2016 04:24:40] Ted: it is so so important

[13/03/2016 04:25:18] Ted: and no bone wants to let sme expalina

[13/03/2016 04:26:19] Ted: therny nhthink i'm sar horrinle unfeeling s=person with too much privilege they think i'm enuteroytpical don't they the y think I don't know twhaat it's like to have horrible foivces telling me the rworld will be tbetter off when i'm edad

[13/03/2016 04:33:35] Ted: I had a very very bad time

[13/03/2016 04:35:22 | Edited 04:37:14] Ted: please either let me explain to them personally or idek just tell them to come to me when they have a problem with my character

[13/03/2016 04:38:43] Ted: i don't mind people coming eto me when they have a problem twith something im' doing

---

[13/03/2016 04:41:55] Ted: please say somethign

[13/03/2016 04:43:54] Ted: i really really do not like people talk ing behind hmy hback i harte it i whate ict

[13/03/2016 04:45:56] bean 📻: i'm sorry, I was imputing people into the games and I forgot to check skype

[13/03/2016 04:46:33] Ted: why sdo people stalk about nme beghin gd my back

[13/03/2016 04:46:53] Ted: instead of letting m e explain

[13/03/2016 04:46:58] Ted: they jumpe to conclusions

[13/03/2016 04:47:07] Ted: it walwasy happens

[13/03/2016 04:47:09] bean 📻: They came to me specifically because I'm the mod of the chat, and I'm the only one in there who has everyone added

[13/03/2016 04:47:47] bean 📻: I'm sorry that this has upset you, but they didn't have you added and didn't feel right just adding you to message you to stop using a word

[13/03/2016 04:48:43] Ted: can you tell htem that i have a history of psuchosis and have had crazy levelled at me also and that's hwy he is called crazy because I KNOW twhat stigma does

[13/03/2016 04:48:51] Ted: it's about stigma

[13/03/2016 04:48:58] Ted: the character is about wstigma

[13/03/2016 04:49:25] bean 📻: The people who've contacted me also deal with psychosis and it triggers them to see the word

[13/03/2016 04:50:35] Ted: i don't wknos what to do i can't scentsor myself whern ti comes to this he's too important to em

[13/03/2016 04:51:21] Ted: shoufl oi leace

[13/03/2016 04:51:35] bean 📻: No, you don't have to leave

[13/03/2016 04:52:06] Ted: no non ehas theat words likested in thiee spreadshrett

[13/03/2016 04:52:31] Ted: i c ouln'ts

[13/03/2016 04:52:47] Ted: you said it was a fww peorpl

[13/03/2016 04:53:14] Ted: now tyou're saying it's one peorpsn

[13/03/2016 04:54:37] Ted: moeaybe i read wont i'm sorry

[13/03/2016 04:54:39] bean 📻: It's not one person, one person out of the group told me that the word triggers them

[13/03/2016 04:55:16] Ted: whty is gevenyone wtalk ing boaut me

[13/03/2016 04:55:28] Ted: i have timnble

[13/03/2016 04:55:31] Ted: tubmbel

[13/03/2016 04:55:33] Ted: tumblr

[13/03/2016 04:56:33] Ted: ij have ensxplained beforea

==================================================

Record Number     : 151868

Action Type       : Chat Message

Action Time       : 13/03/2016 03:56:47

End Time          :

User Name         : [[removed]]

Display Name      : Ted

Duration          :

Chat Message      : i didn&apos;t want to intentionally trigger anyone and i am sorry

ChatID            : 19:45d8153bf4b24e7fb467915c835773bb@thread.skype

Filename          :

==================================================

==================================================

Record Number     : 151869

Action Type       : Chat Message

Action Time       : 13/03/2016 03:57:08

End Time          :

User Name         : [[removed]]

Display Name      : bean 📻

Duration          :

Chat Message      : don&apos;t sweat it ted, let&apos;s enjoy the games for tonight

ChatID            : 19:45d8153bf4b24e7fb467915c835773bb@thread.skype

Filename          :

==================================================

[13/03/2016 04:58:13] Ted: i can't enjoy myself right now i'm too skaekthen but tyou enhjoy

[13/03/2016 04:58:33] Ted: somebody sent me an asccusatyo anon while you were vgone

[13/03/2016 05:00:17] bean 📻: I'm sorry that people are sending you anons

[13/03/2016 05:00:44] Ted: it wasn about something differnte but it shook me

---

[13/03/2016 05:27:27] Ted: i'm sorry i get upset more easily when i'm tired i shouldn't stay up so late i'm sorry

[13/03/2016 05:27:59] bean 📻: it's okay, don't sweat it

---

[18/03/2016 09:43:53] Ted: Look, idk why you think it's okay to give yaakov a free pass to inflict whatever hurt they might while venting, then tell someone with autism that they're manipulative and controlling for doing the exact same thing (only in that instance I was trying to reach out, to help. Yaakov was doing no such thing.)

[18/03/2016 10:00:29] Ted: Autism limits the ways you can express yourself. It affects the way you perceive the world. It makes it hard to automatically understand how your words are going to affect other people. Does any of this sound familiar?

[18/03/2016 10:03:44] Ted: It was my mistake getting involved in the first place. I should have just left it, but yaakov sounded so upset, and the person in the vaguepost sounded like an awful human being. I had no idea it was gabby until they told me. And I naïvely assumed that if yaakov was vagueposting about someone, they must have them blocked and therefore won't see their posts. I was dead wrong.

[18/03/2016 10:06:02] Ted: I've since managed to see yaakov's vagueposting for what it was intended to be, but that doesn't stop it from hurting people. Gabby would have found out about it at some point, and her reaction would have been the same. I am glad I was online, bc I fear if i wasn't she would have seriously attempted to take her own life.

[18/03/2016 10:07:03] Ted: And yeah, I was angry, but instead of gossiping about yaakov behind their back, I went to them with the issue.

[18/03/2016 10:08:40] Ted: This is what I would want under the circumstances. It's what I thought anyone with a neurodivergency would want. My timing was bad and I seriously regret some of the decisions I made that night.

[18/03/2016 10:11:12] Ted: People like me and gabby, we can't handle being talked about behind our backs because we have a chronic history of "getting it wrong". We often don't know if we've hurt someone until they tell us to our face, and yaakov having confided in me about being unable to predict or imagine other people's emotions, I assumed they would be the same.

[18/03/2016 10:12:12] Ted: The rule is do not vaguepost about someone in front of their friends, and especially do not vaguepost about someone where they might see it.

[18/03/2016 10:13:39] Ted: However I didn't get to explain this to yaakov bc they were too busy accusing me of wanting them dead, of conspiring with gabby to laugh about them and make them want to die. Of being a bloody antisemite.

[18/03/2016 10:14:53] Ted: (sure I'm a bit out of touch, but I did hear their point, and I looked it up to find somebody explaining it in a way I understood)

[18/03/2016 10:17:44] Ted: I know from my own conversations with yaakov that our issues are very similar. It just seems to be the way we are programmed to deal with them that seems different, and that is why my reaction after the argument was "clearly our needs are incompatible"

[18/03/2016 10:18:15] Ted: That view was only reinforced by them taking that the wrong way

[18/03/2016 10:21:21] Ted: And now you're acting like it's gabby's fault for being upset that yaakov was seemingly spreading shit about her?

[18/03/2016 10:22:59] Ted: I was the one that made yaakov suicidal that night, yaakov was the one that made gabby suicidal that night, and you were the one that made me feel disrespected as a person (and yeah, if I'd been in a worse place and hadn't had cbt on my side, I would have considered suicide)

[18/03/2016 10:25:26] Ted: The question remains, how did you feel? Because from what I've seen you feel it's your burden to make sure everyone feels okay. And when someone is dumping a great negative feeling on you, that can suck you in, tire you, make you unable to see the emotions of the other person involved.

---

[3/17/2016 11:30:14 PM] Gabby "痛い" C.: like am i stressing you out by talking to you

[3/17/2016 11:41:09 PM] Clare 🐻: I mean. A little

It's less about stress & more about being.  uncomfortable

[3/17/2016 11:41:44 PM] Gabby "痛い" C.: how so

[3/17/2016 11:47:16 PM] Clare 🐻: Well there's the radfem stuff but mostly i just feel weird after all that stuff Ted said to yorick?

[3/17/2016 11:48:00 PM] Gabby "痛い" C.: like i can't necessarily control what ted has to say

[3/17/2016 11:58:09 PM] Clare 🐻: Well the stuff you said to yorick, too

[3/17/2016 11:58:23 PM] Gabby "痛い" C.: which stuff

[12:07:59 AM] Gabby "痛い" C.: if this is about the monotheist comment again, i know i already explained this to you

but like i literally didn't know at the time for sure they were jewish and was trying to continge for that

[12:10:38 AM] Clare 🐻: Did you think he was like. Lying about being Jewish

[12:11:15 AM] Gabby "痛い" C.: like they had me softblocked for. a while

i was literally out of the loop

[12:15:10 AM] Clare 🐻: Ahh

Why the monotheism comment then

[12:15:48 AM] Gabby "痛い" C.: i was tipped off to that one post about "how all neopagans are neonazis"

[12:16:21 AM] Gabby "痛い" C.: bc like ted and yorick were in something before and i wanted to see what the fuss was about

[12:16:47 AM] Gabby "痛い" C.: >not realizing that yorick had _soft_blocked me at the time

[12:21:36 AM] Gabby "痛い" C.: >that post i vagued about wasn't even the one ted and yorick were arguing about in the first place

[12:26:05 AM] Gabby "痛い" C.: let's just get this argument done

[12:30:22 AM] Clare 🐻: I still don't understand why the monotheism comment

[12:31:15 AM] Gabby "痛い" C.: like it was literally a blanket statement because i didn't know if they were jewish or like, one of those pro-israel christians or what

like i said, i was literally out of the loop

[12:31:37 AM] Gabby "痛い" C.: i didn't know they had mentioned they were jewish like anywhere?????

[12:34:02 AM] Gabby "痛い" C.: i didn't even find out until you and ted told me

[12:34:09 AM] Gabby "痛い" C.: after i deleted

[12:37:10 AM] Gabby "痛い" C.: i'm not sure what kind of answer you're expecting

[12:42:22 AM] Clare 🐻: I think more I'm confused about why make a monotheism comment in general

[12:43:37 AM] Gabby "痛い" C.: the original comment they were vaguing about that i was vaguing back about was religion related so????

it made sense to me at the time

[12:47:58 AM] Gabby "痛い" C.: of course i'm so out of the damn loop it doesn't matter

[12:53:10 AM] Gabby "痛い" C.: that's all i've got to say that isn't going to go in a loop

[12:54:51 AM] Gabby "痛い" C.: because that's what i've got to say about the situation

[12:58:37 AM] Gabby "痛い" C.: literally the only reason i know jack shit about anyone from the tag anymore is bc ted mentions that sort of thing from the time to time

[1:03:53 AM | Edited 1:03:49 AM] Gabby "痛い" C.: then again, ted's literally the only person i've been in regular contact with from the tag in quite some time

[1:17:53 AM] Clare 🐻: Idrk what defines the Loop but. In the case of Yorick being Jewish that's not really privileged information

[1:18:40 AM] Clare 🐻: & it feels like an unfair way to retaliate you know

[1:19:26 AM] Gabby "痛い" C.: like there was no signs that

i picked up on

[1:19:46 AM] Gabby "痛い" C.: like nothing was obvious???

[1:20:21 AM] Gabby "痛い" C.: i was trying to be inclusive but sufficiently vague at the same time

[1:21:05 AM] Gabby "痛い" C.: trying to toe the line between a reblog with why they're mistaken and respecting the don't reblog tag

[1:25:50 AM] Clare 🐻: If nothing was obvious then why blog abt his religion like. I understand turning it around but either you did or didn't know he was Jewish & blogging about monotheists seems pretty. Direct

[1:28:23 AM] Gabby "痛い" C.: like it was literally just a guess. like. the post they made was clearly attack on something i'm interested in, stating it like it was the whole truth. i was clapping back presuming they were one of the big three (christian was originally what i was going for)

[1:28:55 AM] Gabby "痛い" C.: the original post was about religion

[1:43:30 AM] Clare 🐻: See but that's the trouble. You can't lump Christianity in with Judaism and Islam. Like. Two of those are persecuted and murdered and discriminated against by the third.

Like if all the neopagans Yorick has dealt with had been neonazis maybe talking shit about Judaism isn't a great way to break the stereotype

[1:44:29 AM] Gabby "痛い" C.: like no one takes me fuckin seriously anyways and tbh i didn't even expect them to see that vague

[1:47:25 AM] Clare 🐻: But he did see it, and he took it seriously. Feeling like people don't take you seriously isn't license to say whatever

[1:48:07 AM] Gabby "痛い" C.: well, you know, vagueblogging in general isn't exactly good practice either

[1:49:30 AM] Clare 🐻: I guess?? I think it has its uses. Venting, etc

[1:49:45 AM] Gabby "痛い" C.: and like i was angry triggered at the time

[1:52:08 AM] Clare 🐻: Still not a great reason to shit talk judaism though ?

[1:53:11 AM] Gabby "痛い" C.: well i deleted and i'm deleting again so that way they'll never have to worry about someone who is clearly such a massive piece of shit

[2:03:14 AM] Clare 🐻: I don't think he knows you came back in the first place tbh so that's not gonna. do much

I'm not really sure where you're getting massive piece of shit from but if that's how you feel about this then like. Deleting isn't the answer? That's not gonna make anything right u know, you've gotta try to understand and stop talking shit about minorities

[2:03:56 AM] Gabby "痛い" C.: like i'm the massive piece of shit

[2:04:08 AM] Gabby "痛い" C.: i know i'm the horrible person

[2:04:20 AM] Gabby "痛い" C.: i know i'm a waste of space

[2:04:48 AM] Gabby "痛い" C.: i know i should just kill myself already, so that way someone less fortunate than i can live

[2:05:48 AM] Gabby "痛い" C.: and this feeling has been here long before this incident happened

[2:08:01 AM] Gabby "痛い" C.: i know my anger is useless and worth nothing

[2:09:53 AM] Gabby "痛い" C.: i've fucking known i've been the whole reason all this shit went down

[2:10:03 AM] Gabby "痛い" C.: even tho it wasn't even what i intended

[2:11:44 AM] Gabby "痛い" C.: and i know i told ted not to tell yorick off for me leaving

[2:11:51 AM] Gabby "痛い" C.: but ey did anyways

[2:18:07 AM] Clare 🐻: Well like you said you can't necessarily control what Ted says

Like just. Baby steps. Not using monotheism as an umbrella term when generalizing. Acknowledging transwomen. That kind of thing

[2:19:04 AM] Gabby "痛い" C.: i never stopped acknoweldging transwomen tho??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????///

[2:19:52 AM] Clare 🐻: Oh typo my bad

I meant acknowledging them as women

[2:20:40 AM] Gabby "痛い" C.: i don't have the energy to argue rn

[2:21:43 AM] Clare 🐻: Okay

[2:22:14 AM] Gabby "痛い" C.: this... was excrutiating

[2:26:01 AM] Gabby "痛い" C.: i've gained little i didn't already know, except why you weren't replying to anything i had to send you recently

[2:26:10 AM] Gabby "痛い" C.: thanks

[2:29:30 AM] Clare 🐻: Uh

You're welcome?

I kind of feel like you're saying you just disregarded all the stuff I tried to tell you & im not really sure what to do with that

[2:29:49 AM] Gabby "痛い" C.: no i didn't disregard everything you said

[2:29:57 AM] Gabby "痛い" C.: i just already knew it

[2:30:13 AM] Clare 🐻: I'm confused

[2:30:31 AM] Gabby "痛い" C.: like idk how to put it in words rn

[2:30:39 AM] Gabby "痛い" C.: but like idk

[2:36:19 AM] Clare 🐻: Okay well sorry this was excruciating

[2:36:41 AM] Gabby "痛い" C.: like you don't have to be apologizing for that

[2:38:41 AM] Gabby "痛い" C.: honestly i feel like you're attributing an overly rational mindset to me, completely glossing over the fact that i was feeling

[2:40:47 AM] Clare 🐻: Just now?

[2:41:08 AM] Gabby "痛い" C.: like in the most recent argument

[2:41:30 AM] Gabby "痛い" C.: like i was so fucking upset at the time

[2:42:03 AM] Gabby "痛い" C.: like at the time of the original vague

[2:42:14 AM] Gabby "痛い" C.: and you act like i was totally cool and calm and collected

[2:51:50 AM] Clare 🐻: I don't really think that so I'm sorry if I gave that impression

[2:51:59 AM] Gabby "痛い" C.: ok

[2:52:24 AM] Gabby "痛い" C.: (sorry if i seem bitchy i'm really tired and not quite sober rn)

[2:53:30 AM] Clare 🐻: Nah you don't seem bitchy

Maybe we should just pick this up another time

[2:54:04 AM] Gabby "痛い" C.: i want this to be resolved now so that way i'll know if we'll ever talk to each other ever again or if i should just never return to the tag ever again

[3:01:37 AM] Clare 🐻: I mean I think we will as long as there's not any more trouble

[3:02:01 AM] Gabby "痛い" C.: i'm skeptical tbh but okay

[3:14:19 AM] Gabby "痛い" C.: there. i deleted, i'm never coming back to the tag ever again.

[3:26:40 AM] Gabby "痛い" C.: everyone else deserves a safe space

but i deserve to be fucking lynched

[3:26:45 AM] Gabby "痛い" C.: good night

[3:29:31 AM] Clare 🐻: Nobody's gonna lynch you & if you want to make a safe space you don't have to leave, you just have to respect people

[3:34:30 AM] Gabby "痛い" C.: i respect people and guess what? they don't respect me back

[3:34:59 AM] Gabby "痛い" C.: it's been that way all my damn life

[3:57:48 AM] Clare 🐻: That sucks, ngl

It's a shitty thing to be disrespected your whole life & it's one thing to snap back at them but it's another to go after other marginalized ppl

This ain't the food chain & you gotta vent steam upwards or you'll get mold

---

[19/03/2016 00:57:59] Clare 🐻: okay I'm gonna break this down by points bc that's a lot of information to process

1. I don't give Yaakov free passes to inflict hurt. like I'm sorry if you were hurt by their venting but I'm not going to go all tonepolice and "not all Christians" on something I, a catholic, am not in a position to understand

2. autism is not stereotypically associated with being manipulative and controlling, so i'm not sure why you bring it up in this context unless it's as an excuse not to be called out for anything?

3. I understand that you were trying to reach out and help but there is no context in which it is appropriate to tell someone the things you told Yaakov that night. like regardless of your intentions, saying to someone that they're destructive and driving people away isn't helping. it's not an intervention; it's you messaging someone who's already upset and telling them bluntly that you think they're a bad person. you can't compare that to yorick vagueblogging about antisemitism.

4. i'm not sure if you're saying that I called you manipulative/controlling or that Yaakov did so idk what to say to that

5. I understand that you have autism, and to some degree, i understand how it affects your expression and perception

6. if you thought it was awful when it was vagueblogging, what changed when the mask was lifted, so to speak? what about the context affected your reaction?

7. You weren't wrong. Yorick did have her blocked, and if she hadn't gone to his blog directly, she wouldn't have seen his posts, even as reblogs. unless you mean you were wrong about how blocking works, in which case nvm

8. gabby would not have found out, nor would she have known that it was directed at her. i'm glad you were online to keep her safe, and help her to not hurt herself, but the only reason she became aware of yorick's reaction to her post is because you brought it to her attention. I don't mean to blame you or cast aspersions but the only reason she was reading yorick's blog is because you decided to vent to her. yaakov didn't message her directly for a reason--because he also knew how she would react. he didn't want to to provoke a reaction. he just wanted to vent his feelings about antisemitic posts like the ones gabby was reblogging

9. you say that like going to yaakov with the issue was the right decision. and like you weren't "gossiping" with gabby at the same time

10. if you want people to approach you under those same circumstances, you need to become more approachable, and respond to criticism without immediate denials

11. you can't have it both ways. either you want people to tell you "to your face" when you've hurt them, or yorick was being unruly and horrible for telling you your advice about 'destructive behavior' was mean and unsolicited

12.  I can understand that it was an honest mistake, thinking that that's what yaakov would want under the circumstances, but he's not neurotypical either. empathy might be tricky but like. just take a minute to imagine you have a chronic history of worrying you were doing X, and then someone you were opening up to told you "you do X all the time and you need to get that looked at". like what if yorick had said to you about "getting it wrong" what you said to them about "destructive behavior"? how would that have made you feel?

13. That's not a rule anyone agreed to. Maybe not vagueblogging about people where they might see it, but again, the only way Gabby was going to see that was if she was on yorick's blog directly

14. once again, yorick is neurodivergent too--and you certainly weren't giving him reason to believe you wanted him alive. i'm not going to speak on his behalf regarding his brain stuff but, friend dumping someone immediately after they try to kill themselves isn't exactly a "hey, glad you're not dead"

15. not being jewish myself, I can't really speak to the anti-Semitism, but in the same way that "not all men" isn't usually a feminist slogan, "not all Christians" doesn't bode well u know

16. Similarly, not sharing your or Yaakov's disorders I don't really want to speculate about how they affect y'all but I just don't understand how "our needs are incompatible" is indicative of any kind of attempt at respect or inquiry

17. Vagueblogging isn't "spreading shit". It's venting. You spread it, man. Not yorick.

18. It is in no way Gabby's fault that she's upset, and I don't fault her for having feelings or a negative reaction to all the shit that went down. If I fault her for anything, it's the way she chose to retaliate, and we've talked about that, and I think I've made my stance clear.

18. So you're guilty, yaakov is guilty, i'm guilty--what about gabby? she's not blameless in this situation, ted. none of us are. it's one thing to accuse me of giving yakko a free pass, but you can't turn around and do that for gabby at the same time. yorick didn't start this. yorick vagueblogged about a very antisemitic post of Gabby's. gabby started all of this.

19. I'm sorry if I made you feel disrespected as a person--that was never my intention, and if you can be more specific I'll apologize more specifically and try my damnedest not to do it again. Looking at the logs, I honestly don't know where I went wrong so I would appreciate whatever insight you could provide

20. How did I feel? Do you really want to know? I'm exhausted. Making sure people feel okay isn't a burden, it's my responsibility as a member of this community, and no matter how tiring it is I will always try to keep this a safe space. Yes, I may be a little overly empathetic, but the emotions of one person don't cloud my judgment, nor my perception of other people's feelings. I understand how you and Gabby felt, even if I don't understand why, and I understand how yorick felt. That was one of the shittiest nights of my damn life. I'm depressed and neurodivergent and chronically ill. I have so little energy, and so few spoons, and i'm so easily stressed that I basically huck it all out the window first thing in the morning. waking up to find an elaborately choreographed parade of bullshit is not my idea of a good time.

I was so scared, and so worried, and so angry

i'm so tired of this

[19/03/2016 13:47:38] Ted: 1. I wasn't hurt by their venting. What I was hurt by were their accusations, which left me confused and scared.

2. You accused me of trying to backseat drive people's lives. That is where I am taking manipulative and controlling from.

3. I didn't mean to imply that Yaakov was a bad person. Sometimes good people hurt other people by accident, and it was the wrong time for me to try and confront them about the way they were handling things. I've already apologised for this, and I was under the impression that me and Yaakov were friends again.

4. See point 2.

5. The reason I said “sound familiar?” was because it overlaps with Yaakov's description of NPD, and correlates with the times you have said “but you can't think of them negatively for that, they have NPD” when you are faulting both me and Gabby for having the same difficulties.

6. When speaking to someone face to face, you have the ability to reason and negotiate. You have opened a dialogue privately with that person and are not airing the dirty laundry, so to speak. When I saw how upset Yaakov was, and when they brought up points about my own behaviour, my tone changed. This is an example of why talking to people is better than vaguing, in my opinion.

7. I was under the impression that Yaakov had only soft-blocked her, but I'm probably getting my dates muddled up about the implementation of the new block system, so I'm sorry about that.

8. She would have found out eventually that Yaakov was vagueposting about her. It wasn't the first vaguepost, and the only reason I vented to her (she had no idea it was anything to do with her, tbf) was because she's the only person who makes an effort to regularly talk to me. (Okay, there's one more person now but we're still not that close that I'd be comfortable venting about someone.)

9. I wasn't gossiping. When I have an argument with a friend and need to vent to another friend, I generally keep the more harmful content out of it. I tried in this case to give the impression that it had nothing at all to do with anything to do with Gabby, but of course that backfired. I was not gossiping with Gabby about the content of my argument with Yaakov.

10. There's a difference between a denial and an explanation. If people come to me with accusations that I feel are false or misleading, of course my response is going to be more of a “sorry I hurt you, but I think you're misreading the situation” tack. I've had anons come to me in the past saying they're uncomfortable about something I've said, and I've immediately apologised and deleted or modified the post as necessary. There was another time when a mutual of mine said something very mean to me on anon, and after they explained to me (again on anon) what had caused it to happen, I forgave them. (I had to spend a good deal of time comforting them after that, but overall, confronting the anon directly had a much better effect on everyone's emotions after the fact than just getting upset and/or vaguing about it would have done.)

11. I never said that Yaakov was being unruly and horrible for telling me my advice wasn't wanted. Neither of us were in a place to accept perceived criticism or accusations that night, and we since apologised to each other - Yaakov for yelling at me and me for hurting Yaakov.

12. I didn't say they were neurotypical. In fact, my whole reasoning for approaching Yaakov in the way I did was that they are not neurotypical. When I am in a situation of worrying that I'm doing X, it helps me to be told “actually, you are doing X and here are possible ways you can minimise that effect. Thoughts?” I don't want to be in the dark, worrying about how my actions affect others, especially when the CBT I was given was all about not overworrying and letting people come to you if they have a problem.

13. If Yaakov had Gabby blocked, why were they seeing her posts and reblogs? Were they on Gabby's blog? If so, why is it inconceivable that Gabby would also be looking at Yaakov's blog. Yaakov had interacted with Gabby before in a way that made her feel bullied, and if Yaakov's reasoning for looking at Gabby's blog was that she was intimidating, I feel like this point is only going to go round in circles.

14. So I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't. At the time, I thought I was being responsible by recognising that we would only end up hurting each other if I tried to be a good friend (which was a flawed response, as we have already discussed, and my timing was super bad). My reasoning was that by trying to comfort Yaakov earlier in the day, I had upset them more. By trying to explain how their actions were affecting others, I drove them to try and commit suicide. When I know that I'm hurting someone and I don't know how to stop, I remove myself from the situation so that I won't keep hurting them and can maybe gain some perspective on what went wrong.

15. I never used “not all Christians”, and that was never my argument. I don't understand what led you to that conclusion.

16. You seemed to be asking that I don't get involved when a friend hurts a friend. Yaakov also seemed to be telling me that I shouldn't have let them know that they'd hurt Gabby. This was where “our needs are incompatible” came from.

17. Very antisemitic? Do you even know what the post said? It was something along the lines of “the holy men declared our monthly bleeding unclean”, which could have been a reference to any number of current events. I didn't flag it as antisemitic until Yaakov pointed it out, and Gabby certainly had no idea of any antisemitic intent of the post. It was a reblog, not her own.

18. (1) This is the same thing that bothered me about Yaakov. If by “chose to retaliate” you mean the vaguepost she made in response, that was my fault. If you mean by deleting her blog, that's not going to be solved by making her think she won't be listened to.

18. (2) My beef with you is you aren't even trying to ascertain what we said or think before you jump to your own conclusions. My reason for contacting you is because, from what Gabby said, it seemed you were blaming your hesitancy to speak with her (which imo is totally valid bc you're so close with Yaakov) on what I had said to Yaakov. (In other words implying that you don't want to speak with her because she's friends with me.) From what I understand, you think that Gabby doesn't believe that trans women are women, when she does. There was a time when she wanted to believe the TERF lie, but that was before I found out that her then-girlfriend was a manipulative rapist and encouraged her to end it. I've been giving her support ever since, countering any views that border on transphobia in a way she can understand, without yelling at her or accusing her of wanting people to die.

19. You didn't ask me to clarify what my views were before believing what somebody else had said about me. That's what made me feel de-personified. Like you were talking at me or telling me off instead of trying to resolve my feelings (which I think is what you were trying to do, and is what I perceived that at the time).

20. I don't know what you mean by “an elaborately choreographed parade of bullshit”, so if you could elaborate on that I would be thankful. I'm sorry if this was a bad time. I can only ever time things based on my own spoons, but I understand if you want to wait to respond. I know I do a lot of the time. It lets me calm down and process everything, try out different contexts for interpretation, and collect my thoughts, as well as wait for a time when I am able to express myself coherently.

[19/03/2016 13:47:52] Ted: 20. (cont.) I know how it feels to care about everyone and for it to seem like no one else does. However, asking what is wrong and trying to soothe their fears is more effective than telling someone “I can't see your reasoning as valid”. I made mistakes with Yaakov, and I apologised for them. If Yaakov is still upset about what I said, please let them come to me at a time of their choosing, when their spoons allow. As long as they realise that I don't hate them, that I care about their feelings, then I am happy with our friendship as it is.

---

[20/03/2016 11:34:49] Ted: Okay, scratch all of that, I didn't realise they were so scared of me. I'm gonna send one final apology and then leave you guys alone for good. I'm sorry for all the hurt that I've caused.

---

---

--

[21/03/2016 21:50:24] [[removed]]: hey can we please talk for a sec because i'm under the impression that you've been stalking my friend's blog. if not, i apologize for the unnecessary confrontation, but if you are indeed doing this, please stop.

[21/03/2016 21:51:57] Ted: I don't mean to stalk I'm just so worried about them bc I upset them really bad and I'm stupid and I don't know that I'm hurting anyone until it's too late

[21/03/2016 21:52:29] [[removed]]: they don't want you viewing their blog. they are not comfortable with you doing that.

[21/03/2016 21:53:10] [[removed]]: you cannot reconcile everything that goes wrong. please just leave them be.

[21/03/2016 21:53:56] Ted: Did they message me back? I can't access tumblr right now

[21/03/2016 21:54:59] [[removed]]: they have vented to me that they are extremely uncomfortable with whoever it is from scotland who's viewing their blog.

[21/03/2016 21:55:27] [[removed]]: the best thing you can do is step back and leave them alone.

[21/03/2016 21:55:35] Ted: I will

[21/03/2016 21:55:52] [[removed]]: as in, don't view their blog. don't do it repeatedly, don't do it occasionally. leave them alone.

[21/03/2016 21:55:58] Ted: Yeah

[21/03/2016 21:56:42] Ted: I understand what it's like to feel harassed. I'm very sorry and I will definitely leave them alone now

[21/03/2016 21:56:55] [[removed]]: please do so. thank you.

[21/03/2016 21:57:20] Ted: Thank you for telling me

---

[21/03/2016 21:58:19] Clare 🐻: Look you need to leave him alone. Like stay off his blog entirely.  What are you looking for

[21/03/2016 21:59:17] Ted: I was trying to check on them. [[removed]] already told me. I'm sorry for everything

[21/03/2016 22:00:46] Ted: If there was one last view there it's because I was making sure my phone wouldn't automatically stick me back on that page again

[21/03/2016 22:04:07] Clare 🐻: What were you checking on

[21/03/2016 22:05:08] Ted: To see if my apology had upset them I suppose

[21/03/2016 22:05:35] Ted: I'm on my phone rn so I can't access my inbox

[21/03/2016 22:09:30] Clare 🐻: Ah well. He's not upset but idt he's going to respond, he doesn't know what you're expecting him to say

[21/03/2016 22:10:15] Ted: Whether or not they want me to delete the art they gave me

[21/03/2016 22:11:07] Ted: And also "please just leave me alone" if that's what they wish

[21/03/2016 22:14:23] Ted: I really honestly cannot tell how someone is feeling unless I have some form of feedback, which is why I was checking their blog. I'm sorry.

[21/03/2016 22:17:16] Clare 🐻: You don't have to delete the art, he already drew it so it doesn't really matter

& yes he wants you to leave him alone, he's scared and uncomfortable

[21/03/2016 22:17:34] Ted: Ok

[21/03/2016 22:17:56] Ted: Thank you for telling me to my face

[21/03/2016 22:18:03] Ted: Goodbye

---

---

05/02/2016

oocneoblog: Hi, this probably seems like weird timing. I told myself to wait until I wasn't so upset and paranoid and thinking everything was a conspiracy. But I guess my brain won't let me do that any more than it's done, so... I guess... can you tell me why I was removed from the neogames skype group?

oocneoblog: I just kind of... need to know in words... I'm sorry.

mojavescript: Hi there, you were removed from the group because several people were made to feel unsafe, including Yaakov/Yorick. Although it may not affect you, others were feeling extremely uncomfortable about the slurs you were using. It's been months now, so I'm not entirely sure why you're bringing this up.

oocneoblog: Did Yaakov tell you what happened?

oocneoblog: (also i did stop using the word "crazy" after you told me about it. I wasn't meaning to have a go at you or anything here. I'm bringing it up because of sticky/intrusive thoughts that won't leave me alone.)

oocneoblog: (like, i didn't even know yaakov was upset. i had to find out from a vaguepost that one of my mutuals reblogged. i felt shitty about the whole thing and i still feel like i was misrepresented. but i did cause hurt but i didn't know about it and i just. i never know where i am with people. i wish they'd just talk to me.)

mojavescript: Yaakov did tell me what happened, and they felt uncomfortable with you checking up on their blog after the whole incident went down. Yakko also asked you to stop talking about them to other people. I'm sorry that you're having intrusive thoughts, but things have settled down on our end of the matter.

oocneoblog: I just don't know what to do anymore. I need to talk to someone about it but I can't talk to anyone.

My psychologist is on maternity leave as well.

And has been since before the incident.

Did Yaakov tell you what went down before? Did Clare tell you why I sent that big long spiel?

mojavescript: I'm not on a psychologist, and I don't know if I can help you. Which spiel??

oocneoblog: The one that made Yaakov upset. That I sent to Clare and assumed she'd be wise enough not to show to Yaakov, since it was a private conversation about my feelings.

mojavescript: I have no idea what you're talking about, can you elaborate??

oocneoblog: I don't know I don't know I don't know what I'm allowed to say and what I'm not I'm sorry I'm sorry

I thought Yaakov told you and that was why you removed me

oocneoblog: Oh no no no I've said too much you didn't know oh no no please i didn't mean to i just want the reminders to stop but i can't do that without talking but i don't want to spread all that shit among people that didn't know because that's shit spreading and i don't want to do that i don't want to alienate anyone

mojavescript: Yakko told me that they were uncomfortable with the slur usage, that's it. That's why I removed you. I thought that's what you were talking about.

oocneoblog: No

I hadn't even done that after you said why would that be the problem i didn't use it again

oocneoblog: i don't see how i can explain without going into things that happened months ago but suffice to say clare said something about a previous argument i had with yaakov about a friend of mine and that's why i sent what i sent, because she said she couldn't understand

she kept saying she couldn't understand why i'd said what i said that time so i tried to explain

oocneoblog: but she showed it to yaakov and i didn't know until i saw that vaguepost

and then you removed me the very next day

oocneoblog: nobody understands that i need to be told if i'm doing something wrong

if i'm upsetting them i need to know because i don't do that intentionally

i'm not an allistic i can't pick up on these things i can't always know if something i'm about to say is going to hurt someone

mojavescript: Can I ask Clare what happened so I can get a better idea of what went down?

oocneoblog: I don't know. I don't know what I'm allowed to do. I promised to leave them alone but that was before these thoughts started trailing me everywhere

mojavescript: Are you still following them? If you are, maybe it's in your best interest to unfollow them?

oocneoblog: I'm not following either of them

Haven't for a long time

mojavescript: Okay. I'm gonna talk to Clare.

oocneoblog: i was already uncomfortable around her because of things she'd said to me before

mojavescript: What things?

oocneoblog: patronising things, when i was upset, things like "i get that empathy is difficult but just try putting yourself into someone else's shoes" when i'm not allistic, my brain works differently so what's good for me isn't what's good for an allistic

but when i tried to explain that i got talked over and accused of trying to friend-dump yaakov post suicide attempt

oocneoblog: did you tell yaakov i was talking about them

mojavescript: From Clare: "okay so I mentioned to a mutual friend of ours that I was uncomfortable w ted, & I guess the friend in turn mentioned this to ted, bc I woke up to 15 messages about why yorick sucks and I let them get away with everything

So this is in relation to what went down, I think.

oocneoblog: she said to mutual friend she was uncomfortable talking to said friend because of things that i said

and she repeatedly said "i can't understand how anyone would ever think those things are okay to say to someone"

oocneoblog: so i tried to explain how i had felt and why

that is what i sent here

*her

it was never meant to be a list of reasons yaakov sucks

mojavescript: I don't know exactly how to help you, since I'm so removed from the situation, in addition to the fact that I have no idea what was said between you, Yaakov, or Clare. I understand that you're hurting, but I don't know what to do to help you. I'm sorry.

oocneoblog: did you tell yaakov

mojavescript: No, but Clare might've??

oocneoblog: she must have

mojavescript: Again, I have no idea what's going on so I don't know how I can help.

oocneoblog: it's out of your hands now

oocneoblog: i'm sorry

mojavescript: ???

oocneoblog: yaakov is saying things to me on skype

(assuming you're looking for context)

oocneoblog: so yaakov admitted it had nothing to do with slur usage and everything to do with our argument

i don't know how to feel anymore

i guess i feel vulnerable

idk

oocneoblog: they said "have a nice day" and i don't think i ever can after this

idk idk idk i'm sorry it's not your fault i shouldn't have brought it up i'm awful i shouldn't have said anything

oocneoblog: but they have this big support group they can tell anything to and everyone will believe them

mojavescript: Listen, Ted, you're right, you shouldn't've brought this up to me. The situation has been resolved, and bringing it up will only make it start back up again. Even if you haven't made peace with this, others have, and you'll have to find peace your own way that doesn't involve dredging up drama that's been resolved.

oocneoblog: I didn't mean to dredge anything up I'm so sorry.

I'm sorry I put you through this stress I really am.

I'm sorry.

---

[02/05/2016 23:04:22] 🍏 yaakov: ted idk what your deal is but i would appreciate if you would stop bringing up the situation from months ago, again and again, to people who were not even involved

i already asked you to stop talking about me to other people and everything was fine but now you've brought it up again, just like you brought it up to clare before

i don't know what you want but you ssid you'd leave me alone

messaging my friends and forcing them to be trapped in the crossfire of a situation that could have been over months ago is not leaving me alone

i don't talk about you or mention you to my friends until you bring it up again, so i'm not sure why you're so insistent on talking about me with people.

just let the situation die. it's already resolved. thanks

[02/05/2016 23:05:51] Ted: it's not though

[02/05/2016 23:05:57] Ted: I got no closure

[02/05/2016 23:06:04] Ted: i only got isolation

[02/05/2016 23:06:14] Ted: and now i have intrusive thoughts

[02/05/2016 23:06:26] Ted: who even told you i was talking about you

[02/05/2016 23:06:34] Ted: i wasn't talking about you, i was talking about me

[02/05/2016 23:08:04] Ted: i have literally no one to talk to about how traumatised i feel

[02/05/2016 23:13:04] 🍏 yaakov: you are 4 years older than i am and stalked my blog and sent 35 messages of shit talk about me to my partner when she said she felt uncomfortable talking to gabby because of what you said to me. you told me to seek therapy for my "destructive behavior"

im not isolating you. i distanced myself to keep myself safe from abuse.

[02/05/2016 23:13:19] Ted: i did not

[02/05/2016 23:13:22] Ted: i never said that

[02/05/2016 23:14:20] Ted: I try to help everyone, and sometimes that means pointing out destructive behavioural patterns. That's what my psychologists have done for me in the past and a lot of my friends have found it helpful.

[02/05/2016 23:14:27] Ted: how is that telling you to seek therapy

[02/05/2016 23:14:58] Ted: i was worried about you because of the vagueposting and i know how hurtful it can feel to see a vaguepost

[02/05/2016 23:15:16] Ted: what i sent to clare was supposed to be an explanation of my emotions

[02/05/2016 23:15:34] Ted: i really do not understand why she sent it to you

[02/05/2016 23:15:43] Ted: she must have known it would upset you

[02/05/2016 23:16:51] 🍏 yaakov: probably the same reason you told gabby what i posted in the first place that started all this!

or maybe not

i still don't know why you did that

[02/05/2016 23:17:00] Ted: i didn't tell her what you posted

[02/05/2016 23:17:20] Ted: or that you posted about her

[02/05/2016 23:19:44] 🍏 yaakov: ok. i don't really care either way because

a. it was months ago

b. i said i want to be left alone

i only sent you a message because you brought it up again and here we are, with you talking about it again, not leaving me alone

[02/05/2016 23:20:11] Ted: you used to care

[02/05/2016 23:20:19] 🍏 yaakov: [2:43:53 AM] Ted: Look, idk why you think it's okay to give yaakov a free pass to inflict whatever hurt they might while venting, then tell someone with autism that they're manipulative and controlling for doing the exact same thing (only in that instance I was trying to reach out, to help. Yaakov was doing no such thing.)

i don't after this

[02/05/2016 23:21:33] Ted: clare told gabby she was uncomfortable talking to gabby because of things that i had supposedly said to you

[02/05/2016 23:22:21] Ted: why did you ask bean to remove me from the group chat

[02/05/2016 23:23:03] 🍏 yaakov: i don't feel safe around you after everything that happened

hence the request to leave me alone

[02/05/2016 23:23:18] Ted: why did you ask bean to remove me from the chat

[02/05/2016 23:23:29] Ted: it was a neogames chat

[02/05/2016 23:25:25] 🍏 yaakov: 🍏 yaakov - Today 6:23 PM

> i don't feel safe around you after everything that happened

doesn't matter what the chat was about, i didn't want you in there. you were removed after you sent clare that 20-point list of reasons i'm a horrible person, and i told bean i don't feel safe around you

[02/05/2016 23:25:45] Ted: bean was under the impression it was because i had used a certain word

[02/05/2016 23:26:28] 🍏 yaakov: it didn't have anything to do with that, though she might have read it that way

[02/05/2016 23:26:35] Ted: it was never meant to be a list of reasons you were a horrible person

[02/05/2016 23:26:51] Ted: i was just trying to explain how i felt

[02/05/2016 23:27:25] Ted: why did you see fit to isolate me from the first group chat i'd attempted in months

[02/05/2016 23:28:05] 🍏 yaakov: why did you see fit to tell me you didn't want to be friends an hour after i attempted suicide?

[02/05/2016 23:28:45] 🍏 yaakov: do you need anything else because i'd like this conversation to end

you make me feel unsafe

that is the answer to any future question you might have

[02/05/2016 23:29:23] Ted: because i knew that the communication difficulties that led to it would happen again, and lo and behold they did. i did want to be friends with you. but i didn't want to hurt you again, and i didn't want you to hurt me again. friends don't say things that make friends attempt suicide.

[02/05/2016 23:29:54] 🍏 yaakov: Ted - Today 6:29 PM

> friends don't say things that make friends attempt suicide.

exactly

[02/05/2016 23:29:59] 🍏 yaakov: have a nice day ted

[02/05/2016 23:30:23] Ted: so you're agreeing with me now after guilt tripping me into staying friends with you when i knew it was a bad idea???????

[02/05/2016 23:30:46] Ted: do you even know how i felt

[02/05/2016 23:31:04] Ted: i can never get anything right

[02/05/2016 23:31:12] 🍏 yaakov: go to hell, i had just attempted suicide

i almost died and i wasn't with my wits

i said have a nice day ted

[02/05/2016 23:31:20] Ted: fuck you

[03/05/2016 00:04:32] *** Ted blocked Loops [[removed]] DELETING SKYPE ***

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[03/05/2016 00:04:55] *** Ted blocked Clare 🐻 ***

[04/05/2016 23:21:10] Ted: i'm sorry. I know I tend to go on and on about things, especially when I don't fully understand what's going on. i'm sorry to make you feel like I was putting you in a stressful position, and i'm sorry I put you in a stressful position. I really don't know how not to be like this. I have trouble letting things go if I feel the issues were unresolved, and that's what put us in this mess. like, I don't necessarily want forgiveness. I don't think I want things to go back to the way they were. I just want some kind of resolution that puts everything to rest, not just a cold truce like has happened before.

[04/05/2016 23:21:49 | Edited 23:22:53] Ted: like, I still don't understand why I was removed from the chat. but that's specifically because bean told me not to worry after i'd apologised. it's not your problem.

[04/05/2016 23:25:12] Clare 🐻: It's not that you have to stop being this way, it's just that it's better to communicate directly, I guess? I have a hard time letting things go too, so I feel you there. What kind of a resolution are you looking for, ideally?

& I haven't really talked to Bean about it but my understanding was it was because of Cr*zy & people being uncomfortable with that? I could be wrong idk

[04/05/2016 23:25:41 | Edited 23:24:52] Ted: i guess i'll have to talk that over with bean then.

[04/05/2016 23:29:06] Ted: idk, one that ties up loose ends i suppose. from what gabby relayed to me, i'm satisfied that you understand where i was coming from and why it hurt me so badly. do you understand that i wasn't trying to turn anyone against Yaakov?

[04/05/2016 23:30:30] Ted: (shit, that wasn't supposed to sound sanctimonious. i'm sorry.)

[04/05/2016 23:31:56] Clare 🐻: I understand that you weren't trying to like, talk people into thinking he's evil or anything

to me it's more like... the way you were describing the situation was Bound To make people feel uncomfortable, I guess

[04/05/2016 23:32:30] Ted: i was trying to be as objective as possible. idk what else i could have done.

[04/05/2016 23:33:21] Ted: idk, i guess i was trying to be fair

[04/05/2016 23:34:32] Clare 🐻: yeah, I get that, I just felt like it was a misrepresentation of yorick's actions

[04/05/2016 23:34:49] Clare 🐻: it made me feel like you don't understand

[04/05/2016 23:35:23] Ted: i'm not going to understand all of it

[04/05/2016 23:36:03] Ted: i'm not jewish, I've not lived Yaakov's life, i don't know anything other than what they've been comfortable confiding with me

[04/05/2016 23:36:33] Clare 🐻: ah well I don't mean that you need to like. live his life or anything

[04/05/2016 23:36:52] Clare 🐻: just that it made me feel like you hadn't listened to us when we talked about it

[04/05/2016 23:37:07] Ted: i felt like neither of you had listened to me

[04/05/2016 23:38:28] Ted: like, i don't want to go into all that mess again, i just want you to know that i too felt i'd been dealt with unjustly

[04/05/2016 23:39:17] Ted: and that some of the things you were accusing me of were things that i hadn't done but you or Yaakov had, if you understand

[04/05/2016 23:40:38] Clare 🐻: I don't understand

[04/05/2016 23:40:41] Clare 🐻: which things

[04/05/2016 23:43:02] Ted: misrepresentation, accusations, trying to turn people against them. that sort of thing

[04/05/2016 23:44:58] Ted: (the trying to turn people against them thing... i'm not accusing them of doing anything like that on purpose but what with the timing of my expulsion from the group... i kinda thought they'd told bean (and potentially the whole group) the same exaggerated things they'd said in their vagueposts about me)

[04/05/2016 23:46:13] Ted: (and what with [[removed]] saying Yaakov was very uncomfortable with whomever it was from Scotland viewing their blog)

[04/05/2016 23:47:05] Ted: (like, i didn't feel safe. that's all i'm trying to say here i guess.)

[04/05/2016 23:53:39] Clare 🐻: Okay well. Misrepresentation is different from misinterpretation imo like. I still don't fully understand what you were going for, no matter how much you explain it. If I don't get it, I'm sorry, but I wouldn't ever deliberately skew things.

Idk I think we're both guilty of accusations--you accused both me and yakko of some serious shit, you know?

And I can say with 100% honesty neither I nor Yorick has ever tried to turn someone against you. You were expelled from the group because people were uncomfortable with the slur usage, & your explanations thereof. Yakko may have mentioned to Bean that he was uncomfortable w that; I honestly don't know.

[04/05/2016 23:56:44] Ted: from what i could gather, Yaakov told bean they were uncomfortable with me and bean assumed it was because of the slur. i don't know why she removed me as a contact but like i say i'd have to take it up with her. i'm not blaming anyone i just want to get to the bottom of it.

[04/05/2016 23:57:26] Ted: (could you clarify what i accused you of?)

[04/05/2016 23:59:55] Clare 🐻: well, you accused me of being patronizing and making you hypothetically suicidal

& you called yakko a bully, and destructive, and a whole bunch of shit that i'm not gonna list

[05/05/2016 00:00:10] Ted: i didn't call Yaakov a bully

[05/05/2016 00:00:40] Ted: there is a big difference between "i feel bullied" and "i'm being bullied"

[05/05/2016 00:00:40] Clare 🐻: okay, well, who were you calling a bully

[05/05/2016 00:00:56] Clare 🐻: I don't understand

[05/05/2016 00:01:00 | Edited 00:01:39] Ted: i said i felt bullied, regardless of whether Yaakov was a bully or not

[05/05/2016 00:01:21] Ted: i was being honest that it was my emotional response and not anything objective

[05/05/2016 00:02:12] Ted: tbh i kinda felt like you'd kind of ganged up on me, but we already sorted out that that wasn't the case now

[05/05/2016 00:04:01] Ted: by the way, i don't think making mistakes makes you a bad person

[05/05/2016 00:04:20] Ted: i don't think unintentionally upsetting people makes you a bad person

[05/05/2016 00:04:39] Ted: i don't even think lashing out at someone you feel is hurting you makes you a bad person

[05/05/2016 00:05:34] Clare 🐻: i don't know what to say to that. neither do i, i guess? it's how you deal with your mistakes that determines your character

[05/05/2016 00:06:18] Ted: i know i tried to learn from mine

---

[05/05/2016 00:08:12] Clare 🐻: i don't know what kind of resolution you're looking for, or what peace i can offer you

[05/05/2016 00:08:47] Clare 🐻: you were kicked from the chat because multiple people were uncomfortable with the slur usage & the way you addressed it

[05/05/2016 00:08:49] Clare 🐻: that's all i know

[05/05/2016 00:09:06] Ted: i apologised and never used the slur in the chat again

[05/05/2016 00:09:36] Clare 🐻: yes, but you continued to use it outside the chat

[05/05/2016 00:09:51] Clare 🐻: & your posts justifying it made people uncomfortable

[05/05/2016 00:10:16] Ted: have you ever had a psychotic breakdown

[05/05/2016 00:10:36] Clare 🐻: i don't feel comfortable answering that question

[05/05/2016 00:10:48] Ted: look, my usage of it is a response to stigma, not any attempt to perpetuate stigma

[05/05/2016 00:11:06] Clare 🐻: I understand that

[05/05/2016 00:11:16] Clare 🐻: and I understood where you were coming from

[05/05/2016 00:11:25] Clare 🐻: but people were still uncomfortable

[05/05/2016 00:11:33] Ted: and it being implied otherwise, behind my back, is what was so triggering to me that i had to reblog those posts justifying it

[05/05/2016 00:12:03] Ted: as i said before it's very hard to make amends with someone when you don't know who to make amends to

[05/05/2016 00:12:13] Ted: i'm sorry. i thought you were blaming me again.

[05/05/2016 00:12:17] Ted: i'm sorry.

[05/05/2016 00:13:34] Clare 🐻: I understand needing to know who was interpreting things that way, but I don't think even bean knows all of them. She got multiple messages, some on anon--and I don't think that anyone thought you were using the name Crazy to uphold the stigma. It's just the fact that it was a slur.

[05/05/2016 00:13:50] Clare 🐻: & they didn't find your justifications to be Reason Enough to use a slur.

[05/05/2016 00:14:07] Ted: i'm just sick of having to explain this time and time again and for people to not understand the context of why. i shouldn't have to bring up my history of mental health woes to justify it. it's not a universally agreed-upon slur within the mental health community.

[05/05/2016 00:15:10] Ted: i didn't hear of its designation as a slur until a couple of years after i joined tumblr, by which point even if i wanted to change it i couldn't

[05/05/2016 00:16:25] Ted: on top of the fact that i didn't name him that, he named himself that. and i didn't see a problem with it at the time so i went along with it.

[05/05/2016 00:18:35] Clare 🐻: Slurs don't need to universal to hurt people. In the same way that it's uncool to have a character named like, Queer, it's going to upset enough members of the community that it's representative of that there are other things to do. Other names to give.

[05/05/2016 00:18:59] Clare 🐻: Nobody sat down and said "wow ted is super ableist" it was just. "this is a slur and it makes me uncomfortable"

[05/05/2016 00:19:55] Ted: it felt like that was what they were saying

[05/05/2016 00:20:17] Clare 🐻: i can understand why it would

[05/05/2016 00:20:31] Clare 🐻: but no one said that. i don't think anyone even thought it

[05/05/2016 00:20:42] Ted: then why didn't they come to me

[05/05/2016 00:21:14] Clare 🐻: I think some people did, didn't they? You got messages about it

[05/05/2016 00:21:20] Ted: i didn't

[05/05/2016 00:21:22] Ted: at all

[05/05/2016 00:21:29] Ted: only from bean

[05/05/2016 00:22:16] Ted: i had to hear from bean that a group of people found it "disturbing that anyone would call their oc that"

[05/05/2016 00:22:32] Ted: a group of people i wanted so badly to call my friends

[05/05/2016 00:27:18] Clare 🐻: I don't know why no one messaged you. They may not have been comfortable approaching you, or maybe they just didn't know your url.

I don't know who among the chat had/voiced objections. I think it was good that you apologized in the chat but outside of the chat your actions didn't really reflect that, you know? It seemed like you were justifying its continued usage, not apologizing for the past.

[05/05/2016 00:28:31] Ted: i apologised for its use outside of my blog, where only people who are comfortable with it would follow me anyway

[05/05/2016 00:29:20] Clare 🐻: Okay

[05/05/2016 00:29:28] Clare 🐻: Like I said, I don't know who objected, so

[05/05/2016 00:29:35] Clare 🐻: I can't do anything with that information

[05/05/2016 00:29:37] Ted: yeah

[05/05/2016 00:29:46] Ted: like, idk

[05/05/2016 00:30:12] Ted: it did me good to get that out in the open and cleared up with you

[05/05/2016 00:30:31] Ted: thank you

[05/05/2016 00:30:45] Clare 🐻: Yeah, no problem, I'm glad I could help

[05/05/2016 00:30:51] Clare 🐻: I wish I could do more

[05/05/2016 00:31:21] Ted: even just that is a massive relief

[05/05/2016 00:32:09] Clare 🐻: what is? talking it out?

[05/05/2016 00:32:33] Ted: yeah, and knowing that you understand

[05/05/2016 00:33:35] Ted: i thought you didn't before, and that you held a beef with me for intentions i never had

[05/05/2016 00:34:21] Clare 🐻: Oh, yeah, definitely

it's a huge relief to actually Discuss Things

[05/05/2016 00:34:32] Ted: yes. i'm sorry i was so scared before.

[05/05/2016 00:35:13] Clare 🐻: i'm sorry i made you feel like you had to be

[05/05/2016 00:36:34] Ted: do you think i'm allowed to interact with Yaakov's posts or should i still avoid doing that

[05/05/2016 00:36:59] Clare 🐻: i'd still avoid it if i were you

[05/05/2016 00:37:07] Ted: okay, good to know

[05/05/2016 00:37:10] Clare 🐻: he's upset and scared himself

[05/05/2016 00:37:27] Ted: yeah

[05/05/2016 00:37:58] Ted: i wish there was something i could do about that but if leaving them alone is the best option then so be it

[05/05/2016 00:38:22] Ted: at least i don't have to be scared anymore. thank you clare

[05/05/2016 00:39:42] Clare 🐻: for real, no problem. thanks for talking to me about it

---

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06/28/2016 [[To Azzy. He never responded.]]

oocneoblog: could you tell me what you mean by what i've done before

i don't want to have a go at you i just want to know so i can think about it and hopefully modify my behaviour

07/12/2016

oocneoblog: please tell me it's been bugging me and i don't have the context to figure out which incident(s) you were talking about

---

[29/06/2016 04:39:20] Ted: What should I do now

[29/06/2016 04:41:58] Ted: I saw that post at a bad time when I was already triggered by something else

[29/06/2016 04:42:09] Ted: I really don't know what to do

[29/06/2016 06:20:10] Clare 🐻: I don't know there's anything you can do, really

just like, apologize sincerely, explain if you feel like you gotta but don't make excuses, wrap 'er on up

[29/06/2016 06:20:17] Clare 🐻: at least that's what i'd do

[29/06/2016 10:36:13] Ted: I already apologised tough. I apologised as soon as I saw yaakov's response and I realised I'd fucked up

[29/06/2016 10:37:04] Ted: Apologising again would just be saying the same things and I'd look like I was dragging it out

[29/06/2016 10:40:45] Ted: Honestly though, this is probably going to keep happening. I'm super paranoid and anyone I talk to who isn't friends with yaakov only makes my paranoia worse. I'm not sure if anyone realised how traumatic the first two incidents were for me. Instead of support and a chance to heal I get more anxiety, paranoia, sleepless nights and palpitations. I don't know what's wrong with me

[29/06/2016 10:57:13] Ted: Sticky thoughts. That's what's wrong with me. That's why I can't just leave a situation unresolved and forget about it forever.

[29/06/2016 11:00:51] Ted: I need to talk to the people involved and sort it out or else seek help from someone else to sort it for me. But it's clear none of you guys ever want to talk to me about what happened because it gave me negative feelings about yaakov. I can't tell who likes me and who is uncomfortable around me unless something happens. I just walk straight into it and then it looks like I'm doing it on purpose.

[29/06/2016 11:02:39] Ted: So I don't say anything but then it just builds up and builds up and something innocuous ends up triggering a complete system shutdown. I don't know how to stop this from happening.

[29/06/2016 22:42:39] Ted: maybe I was in the wrong for not wanting to vent to or reveal things to people who already disliked yaakov

[29/06/2016 22:47:38] Ted: idk it's just so complicated and I never know the right thing to do, balancing my needs with my desire not to be a burden on other people (would be easier if I even knew what my needs were half the time, but that only ever seems to come out when i'm too emotional to think clearly about my impact on other people. and that's a harmful trend. I know that. I just don't know what to do about it)

[29/06/2016 23:06:23] Clare 🐻: I don't really know what to say, then

If talking to people who don't like yakko makes you more paranoid, then I guess--don't do that?

The people who do like yakko... I guess I can only speak for me, but I don't want to talk about it because it was upsetting as hell, not because it made you not like yakko

We can talk about it if you want but I dont have much to say tbqh

If you need more support re: the first two incidents then I'm sorry, but I can't give it to you

[29/06/2016 23:10:12] Ted: it wasn't just that it made me more paranoid, also that I felt it would be wrong of me to give them more cause to dislike Yaakov, I guess. idk, i'm all muddled about it. but i'll stick to people who dislike Yaakov then. they're probably in a better place to give me support. i'm sorry about all this.

[29/06/2016 23:32:30] Clare 🐻: I know I can't like, magically change your opinion, and maybe I shouldn't even try to but like

Yorick is a good person, I know you guys have some issues & you're probably right when you say yall are incompatible but

I don't think doubling down is the right thing to do here

You should do whatever you think is best, like get the support you need, but don't just dislike yakko because it's easier, you know

[29/06/2016 23:33:21] Ted: it just felt a lot of the time like I was being punished for saying I was hurt

[29/06/2016 23:36:33] Clare 🐻: How do you mean

[29/06/2016 23:40:41] Ted: like, do you remember when I left that first group chat?

[29/06/2016 23:41:16] Ted: idk, that's probably not a true example

[29/06/2016 23:42:07] Ted: I just... whenever I told anyone I was upset, Yaakov would end up thinking I was attacking them

[29/06/2016 23:46:30] Ted: i mean fair enough in this instance i was definitely lashing out, but it's never felt like anyone was taking my emotional state into account when judging my actions

[29/06/2016 23:47:01] Ted: (that was true of the first group chat, the second misunderstanding, and everything since)

[30/06/2016 00:14:00] Clare 🐻: I get why you'd feel like that but I don't think it was necessarily... Relevant?

Not to say your emotional state doesn't matter but just that it doesn't automatically excuse the stuff you did, you feel me

Like you can't do this with impunity you know? It's not a get out of responsibility free card. People can take your feelings into account and still disagree with your actions

Without touching on past situations like, this time you haven't apologized to Yorick or explained the situation to your followers beyond "I fucked up," which has led to yakko getting a whole mess of anon hate

And like yeah, you were upset, I get that. If I had been in your situation & under the impressions you were under, I woulda been much the same, especially if it seemed like nobody was considering my feelings on the matter. But it's just not a matter of people looking at you and saying objectively like, "wow let's judge ted's actions," there are other factors at play that are going to affect their priorities in addressing the situation

[30/06/2016 00:15:09] Ted: "ok sorry sorry tou should have told mei fucked up i fucked up i fucked up i’m sorry"

[30/06/2016 00:15:22] Ted: and i didn't know about the anon hate

[30/06/2016 00:15:26] Ted: that's harsh

[30/06/2016 00:17:57] Ted: man, nothing's coming out right anymore. it's just... you've told me before i think that i have to forgive Yaakov for things they do when they're emotional, so it feels unfair. i don't know. i'm probably missing the point. the "other factors in play" are the things i have trouble processing so that's why i get so scared and confused when people are having a go at me

[30/06/2016 00:18:10] Ted: idk idk

[30/06/2016 00:18:22] Ted: i'm sorry

[30/06/2016 00:19:09] Ted: anon hate is horrible and detestable and people shouldn't do it, and i'm sorry i caused this mess. what do you want me to tell my followers?

[30/06/2016 00:20:26] Ted: the main thing i'm having trouble with is why Yaakov pretended to like dr. sloth, and if people i was talking to knew that

[30/06/2016 00:20:56] Ted: there are so many things i wish i could take back

[30/06/2016 00:21:26] Ted: things that were really fucked up in the new context but not in the context i knew at the time

[30/06/2016 00:24:39] Clare 🐻: You don't have to forgive Yorick for anything, you should never feel pressured to forgive someone

I wasn't really aware of yakko's opinions re: sloth so I don't know if anyone else was

I'm assuming yakko pretended to like them so as not to hurt your feelings but tbh we haven't talked about it so I honestly don't know

I know Yorick would want to talk to you if it meant yall could get some resolution, maybe you should ask about it?

[30/06/2016 00:25:14] Ted: i think i'm too traumatised to do that

[30/06/2016 00:27:15] Ted: and the amount of people who have told me to leave Yaakov alone, if it went bad again, they would yell at me and tell me to leave tumblr, or something

[30/06/2016 00:27:45] Ted: i can't risk it going wrong again i just can't

[30/06/2016 00:29:30] Ted: if you weren't aware of Yaakov's opinions about sloth and you knew that we had had a fight and you saw them suddenly change from headcanoning sloth from trans to saying they don't like sloth and therefore sloth is cis... what did you think? what would you think? what would anyone else who was following Yaakov think?

[30/06/2016 00:31:28] Clare 🐻: Well again I can only speak for me but my immediate instinct was "Yorick doesn't like that shade of green" which tbqh doesn't make a lot of sense

[30/06/2016 00:32:27] Clare 🐻: I really don't think yakko would react like that, like. I don't have the answers to all your questions you know? Yorick isn't gonna run you out of town for trying to get closure

[30/06/2016 00:32:54] Ted: i don't mean Yaakov, i mean the people who reblogged after them

[30/06/2016 00:33:02] Ted: and whoever it was sent me those anons

[30/06/2016 00:33:07] Ted: the mean ones

[30/06/2016 00:33:11] Ted: or one

[30/06/2016 00:33:18] Ted: i can't remember if it was one or two

[30/06/2016 00:34:50] Clare 🐻: Oh, oh

[30/06/2016 00:34:52] Clare 🐻: I see

[30/06/2016 00:35:18] Clare 🐻: God I don't know what fucking possesses people to send mean anons

[30/06/2016 00:35:29] Clare 🐻: Like fight people to their face

[30/06/2016 00:35:34] Ted: exactly

[30/06/2016 00:36:06] Ted: (sometimes it's mania, but that's not what you were going for)

[30/06/2016 00:36:53] Ted: what was it you wanted me to say to my followers?

[30/06/2016 00:36:58] Clare 🐻: Sometimes what's mania

[30/06/2016 00:37:25] Ted: what possesses people to send mean anons

[30/06/2016 00:37:39] Clare 🐻: Oh idk

If it were me I'd just be like "just a misunderstanding sorry folks" or smnthn I dunno

[30/06/2016 00:37:54] Clare 🐻: Ahhh

[30/06/2016 00:38:02] Clare 🐻: Yeah true

[30/06/2016 00:39:33] Ted: tbh, i think most of the anons Yaakov gets are probably from the same few people who look for reasons  to hurt them

[30/06/2016 00:39:47] Clare 🐻: I think so too

[30/06/2016 00:40:13] Clare 🐻: I know a few are from that Bradford kid, who doesn't seem to know they're blocked

[30/06/2016 01:26:26] Ted: idk, i still feel like i'm being perceived as a genuinely nasty person. i mean that's probably wrong. it's the only thing i can get from people's reactions, and after this point there's probably nothing i could do that would salvage that. i don't know if they realise i made a mistake, or how obvious it looked at the time. idk. i'm sorry. i should leave you alone. i'm sorry.

---

[30/06/2016 07:46:16] Clare 🐻: shit sorry I didn't see this

I really don't think anyone thinks of you as being nasty, tbh like

it's never been like "either yakko's evil or ted is" you know

sometimes shit just happens but it's how we deal w it that reflects on us

[30/06/2016 10:17:31] Ted: No one ever listens to my explanations though. I know because the next time it comes up they just say the thing they originally said I had done even after I explained and it makes me feel so villainised because then I have to explain myself all over again and it's upsetting and it's triggering and it reminds me that I'll never be accepted by allistic authority figures when they think I've done something wrong

[30/06/2016 10:28:29] Clare 🐻: I dunno I mean. maybe they listen and they just didn't understand, or they thought things would be different the second time around? you don't need to give people explanations unless they ask for them

[30/06/2016 10:29:47] Ted: people not understanding what I mean is a common thing and I don't know what else to do because often i'm literally saying exactly what I mean and they still don't get it

[30/06/2016 10:34:23] Clare 🐻: i don't know either

[30/06/2016 10:35:36] Ted: that's why it really gets to me when people don't think i'm being honest because what else can I do other than find someone to advocate for me? but then that puts pressure on them as well

[30/06/2016 10:37:43] Clare 🐻: do people think you're being dishonest?

[30/06/2016 10:38:34] Ted: they think i'm not telling the whole truth, or that i'm fudging the facts in my favour on the whole, because that's what they expect people to do even when they're being "honest"

[30/06/2016 10:41:43] Ted: and sometimes yeah, they do think i'm being dishonest, or manipulative, or that I haven't bothered to look at anything from a different perspective

[30/06/2016 10:43:47] Clare 🐻: hmm

[30/06/2016 10:43:49] Clare 🐻: i see

[30/06/2016 10:54:12] Ted: like, bean for instance. i don't know what to do about bean. i don't know how she feels about me at all, but i still feel like i was treated unfairly (though i can understand potential reasons) and that means if i talk to her about it she's going to end up feeling attacked. and if i say i'm not meaning to have a go at her or blame her or anything, that's not going to give any reassurance and she's still going to be hurt but i don't know what else to do. if i keep it to myself i'll just keep being hurt by it. but i want to know if i'm wrong because if i'm being distant for no reason that also is not good.

[30/06/2016 10:54:24] Ted: i don't know, everything's a muddle

[30/06/2016 10:56:21] Clare 🐻: you feel like you were treated unfairly by bean, or by other ppl & bean disagreed

[30/06/2016 10:58:39] Ted: she told me not to worry about a certain issue then removed me for supposedly that same issue when there hadn't been an incident since

[30/06/2016 10:58:44] Ted: i don't see how that's fair

[30/06/2016 10:59:33] Ted: she didn't even tell me why she removed me, she removed me as a contact as well, asriel blocked me, so what did the evidence suggest?

[30/06/2016 11:00:20] Clare 🐻: ahhh

[30/06/2016 11:00:27] Clare 🐻: yeah i feel you

[30/06/2016 11:01:08] Clare 🐻: idk maybe she should've talked to you about it but i know there were several people who approached her

[30/06/2016 11:01:21] Clare 🐻: idk about any incident but we're talking about Crazy, right?

[30/06/2016 11:01:26] Ted: yeah

[30/06/2016 11:02:03] Ted: i was told not to mention his name in the chat, and i apologised for mentioning his name in the chat, and then i never said his name in the chat again

[30/06/2016 11:02:23] Ted: and i was told not to worry about it

[30/06/2016 11:02:57] Ted: i feel like i was cut out of the discussion

[30/06/2016 11:03:59 | Edited 11:02:42] Ted: and if it's because of things i said on my blog, i was triggered and fragile and trying to reassure myself that everything would be okay and that i wasn't a horrible person for having a character response to ableism and stigma

[30/06/2016 11:06:01] Ted: do you understand?

[30/06/2016 11:06:23] Clare 🐻: i do

[30/06/2016 11:07:02] Clare 🐻: i don't really know what to tell you, though

i wasn't involved in that stuff while it was going on & i haven't talked to the other people involved about it

[30/06/2016 11:07:18] Clare 🐻: but i get what you're saying

[30/06/2016 11:07:45] Clare 🐻: & why you feel it was unfair

[30/06/2016 11:08:11] Ted: and i still don't know whether approaching bean about it would be the right thing to do

[30/06/2016 11:09:03] Ted: because i don't think she understands how it made me feel, and if i try to explain then she'll feel like i'm trying to guilt trip her

[30/06/2016 11:10:18] Ted: or that i'm trying to make her feel bad about it

[30/06/2016 11:10:36] Ted: or that i think it was all her fault

[30/06/2016 11:11:32] Ted: when i know that she was under pressure, and that she wasn't part of anyone conspiring against me

[30/06/2016 11:13:12] Clare 🐻: as far as i know she understands, i know she felt bad about it but she was trying to do what was best for the chat?

[30/06/2016 11:14:22] Ted: i had no indication of her understanding. she just kept telling me it was my fault.

[30/06/2016 11:15:06] Clare 🐻: she said that?

[30/06/2016 11:15:48] Ted: i'll look. it's what i felt like she was saying but i probably misinterpreted

[30/06/2016 11:17:14] Clare 🐻: okay well in the mean time I've gotta hit the sack so i guess let me know

[30/06/2016 11:17:41] Ted: "The situation has been resolved, and bringing it up will only make it start back up again. Even if you haven't made peace with this, others have, and you'll have to find peace your own way that doesn't involve dredging up drama that's been resolved."

[30/06/2016 11:22:30] Ted: ok that was the last message but this is the first message "Hi there, you were removed from the group because several people were made to feel unsafe, including Yaakov/Yorick. Although it may not affect you, others were feeling extremely uncomfortable about the slurs you were using. It's been months now, so I'm not entirely sure why you're bringing this up." when i'd said in my first message that i tried to wait until i was less paranoid but i was having intrusive and sticky thoughts and that's why i was contacting her about it

[30/06/2016 11:25:10] Ted: ok i hope you sleep well

[30/06/2016 13:04:59] Ted: "Yakko also asked you to stop talking about them to other people." there was that as well

[30/06/2016 13:08:14] Ted: I can see how it would have looked like I was trying to turn their friends against them but really the only reason I chose to talk to people who were friendly with Yaakov and not people who weren't was because I didn't want someone who would automatically take my side.

[30/06/2016 13:09:50] Ted: i know that's stupid and selfish of me, and i see that now, but nobody believes me that i really was just trying desperately not to cause more trouble for them, because i know that Yaakov gets a lot of hate

[02/07/2016 23:53:31 | Edited 23:51:57] Ted: (oh btw i was thinking about the whole evidence thing and I now understand exactly why yaakov reacted the way they did back when gabby was reblogging from terfs, so... thanks for letting me have this conversation I guess. It's opened my eyes)

[03/07/2016 02:03:27] Clare 🐻: it's not stupid or selfish to look for other opinions, it's not automatically a bad thing

the situation w yorick was more about respecting yakko's feelings than any wrongdoing, you know?

[03/07/2016 02:04:43] Ted: No it was stupid and selfish bc I didn't stop to think that maybe the people I was trying to talk to had been traumatised by the situation as well

[03/07/2016 02:05:10] Ted: And wouldn't take kindly to me opening old wounds

[03/07/2016 02:07:01] Ted: I just don't understand what I was supposed to do. I tried to do the right thing, but it ended up being wrong and people thought I was doing it on purpose because it's obvious to them but never to me

[03/07/2016 02:10:02] Ted: And I knew that yaakov was prone to exaggeration, especially when they're upset, so it was pretty much impossible for me to tell if their saying that they never wanted their name to pass my lips again was a reasonable request or not

[03/07/2016 02:13:23] Ted: (do you want the whole conversation with bean? Bc that would make it clear why I thought she was telling me that yaakov lied to her in order to have me removed from the group)

[03/07/2016 02:15:49] Clare 🐻: yeah actually if you think it'd help that'd be cool o:

[03/07/2016 02:21:58] Ted: do you have openoffice? if not I can save it as a word document

[03/07/2016 02:22:49] Clare 🐻: I don't unfortunately

[03/07/2016 02:23:01] Ted: ok

[03/07/2016 02:23:16] Ted: (just trying to make sure it won't carry my name on it)

[03/07/2016 02:27:18] Ted: (some of it wasn't chronologically accurate, and i'm sorry for that)

[03/07/2016 02:40:53] Ted: (i'm also sorry for the stuff I said about you)

[03/07/2016 02:44:09] Ted: (I should have read through it properly again before I sent it so I could warn you)

[03/07/2016 02:44:50] Clare 🐻: heh it's cool

[03/07/2016 02:46:01] Clare 🐻: so to be clear: you thought yorick told bean that the slur usage was uncool in order to have you removed, vs the other stuff that was going down

[03/07/2016 02:46:03] Clare 🐻: ?

[03/07/2016 02:46:12] Ted: yes

[03/07/2016 02:47:07] Clare 🐻: what do you think now

[03/07/2016 02:47:59] Ted: i asked Yaakov at the time when they contacted me over skype and they said all they said was that they felt uncomfortable and bean's interpretation was bean's interpretation

[03/07/2016 02:48:12] Ted: which i took to be true

[03/07/2016 02:50:16] Clare 🐻: yeah that makes sense

[03/07/2016 02:50:39] Clare 🐻: I honestly don't remember who knew what when at this point

[03/07/2016 02:52:18] Ted: and that gave me the impression that bean just doesn't want to associate with me bc i'm a bad person who uses slurs

[03/07/2016 02:54:39] Clare 🐻: bean's interpretation did?

[03/07/2016 02:56:28] Ted: the fact that she didn't tell me why she was removing me from the group, the fact that she removed me as a contact, and the fact that she didn't interact with me whatsoever after that conversation

[03/07/2016 02:58:00] Clare 🐻: ahh

[03/07/2016 03:03:13] Ted: like i know that's probably not the real truth but i have no way of verifying it myself without risking another incident

[03/07/2016 03:06:04] Clare 🐻: yeah I don't think that's the whole truth but I don't really have any way to verify it :/

[03/07/2016 03:08:42] Ted: at this point it's probably too late for me to seek closure on the group chat thing anyway

[03/07/2016 03:09:34] Ted: I've likely just reinforced the views of anyone who thought i was toxic and didn't belong

[03/07/2016 03:11:59] Clare 🐻: i never heard anybody express either of those sentiments

[03/07/2016 03:12:58] Ted: the fact that no one who was uncomfortable with me saying crazy actually came to me kind of suggests that's the case

[03/07/2016 03:15:11] Ted: "Dude why are you getting your underwear in a wad over someone not liking a character you like. This isn’t the first time you’ve done something like this and you need to chill out; at this rate I wouldn’t blame them for not liking you." i asked what he was referring to and didn't get a response

[03/07/2016 03:16:41] Ted: i'd have to unblock the others to see their responses again but, like, they were all pretty much the same

[03/07/2016 03:16:52] Clare 🐻: who was this?

[03/07/2016 03:16:57] Ted: that was asriel

[03/07/2016 03:21:31] Ted: he didn't give enough context for me to know what he was talking about

[03/07/2016 03:23:47] Ted: there's several possibilities but the only one that fits exactly is the skeith hate one, which doesn't make sense because it was about fatphobia and classism?

[03/07/2016 03:25:06] Ted: and i got stuck on r/tumblrinaction for it???

[03/07/2016 03:26:59] Ted: if it was about the mettaton headcanon discrepancy i wasn't angry at all i was just confused and kind of scared because he sounded very upset and i didn't understand

[03/07/2016 03:34:40] Ted: and i was made to feel like the worst kind of transphobe for misunderstanding an ambiguous quote in the game

[03/07/2016 04:09:02] Ted: idk i shouldn't have said that i'm sorry

[03/07/2016 04:10:36] Clare 🐻: when did this happen

[03/07/2016 04:10:54] Ted: in the neogames chat, shortly before i was removed

[03/07/2016 13:33:50] Ted: I was actually in the process of drawing azzy as part of a neogames picture when I got removed and blocked. But there was no point finishing it after that so I abandoned it

[03/07/2016 13:36:06] Ted: I don't know what relevance it has to the conversation other than it being another reminder of what a fuckup I am

[04/07/2016 12:21:06] Ted: ok I think i'm going to try apologising to Yaakov over skype

[04/07/2016 12:22:07] Ted: it's really not fair what they put themself through because of me and I want them to know that

[04/07/2016 12:23:39] Ted: it'll take me a while to type something up, and i'm still very anxious, but it's the only right course of action I can see

[05/07/2016 01:25:21] Clare 🐻: well hey if there's anything I can do to help just let me know ! I know yakko was willing to talk stuff out so this could be good for you guys

[05/07/2016 01:27:35] Ted: Thanks. I sent them a thing earlier. The convo isn't showing up on my mobile though, so I don't know if that'll change if they try to send something back.

[05/07/2016 01:38:04] Clare 🐻: are you guys contacts? idt yorick can get messages from ppl they aren't contacts w so you might have to add each other & resend it

[05/07/2016 01:40:13] Ted: Ah, right. Thanks for the tip! I'll do that tomorrow once I'm free

[05/07/2016 01:41:11] Clare 🐻: finger pistols

good luck!! it's really cool that you're doing this (:

---

[04/07/2016 13:26:26] Ted: I read over the first fight we had on here, and wow, I was really a dick. I can't believe I was so up myself. wow, I mean really. that's just... I totally don't blame you or clare for being uncomfortable with me after that because that was seriously out of line. but yeah, anyway, the reason I was reading that anyway is because I wanted to get things straight before I apologised. because I now know exactly why you were behaving the way you did with the gabby situation, why you assumed that they hated you, why you didn't want to confront them about it, because how were you to know what was going on in their head at the time? you had no way of knowing they were following the terfs as a form of self-harm. you had know way of knowing the only reason they were doing that was because of abuse. and I acted so self-righteous about it. man.

you also couldn't have known that it was bean that mentioned you first in the conversation we had about the neogames group. I wasn't talking about you on purpose, I only wanted to know why i'd been removed. when she mentioned you, I did ask for more details, and she implied she knew everything. it was only then that I mentioned the "list" i'd sent to clare (I don't really have any excuse for that other than trying to protect gabby from what had been my fault in the first place), and bean had no idea what I was talking about. I tried to backtrack and told her I shouldn't have said anything, but it was too late and she asked clare for context. from your perspective it must have seemed like I was trying to turn everyone against you. first it had been clare, and when clare proved fruitless I moved onto bean. I understand how it looked, and I don't blame you for reacting the way you did. from what bean had told me, and from circumstances that surrounded the "list" incident, I took that as confirmation you had been turning people against me. I'm not saying this to excuse myself, but you deserve an explanation. i'm really sorry I had a go at you for that. it wasn't your fault.

and just, I've been looking back at so many things in the new context and i'm thinking what the fuck did I put you through? there are so many things I wish I could take back. I know what it feels like to be pressured into sexual discussions you're uncomfortable with and i'm so sorry I did that to you. you've always shown me such great consideration and compassion and what have I given you in return? i'm sorry I didn't realise earlier how the age difference could be factoring in another sort of pressure. I feel that same pressure to please younger people rather than older people for some reason. I don't know why.

I look back on it all, how I thought this whole time that the problem was that you and your friends didn't understand, and I see that the problem was that I didn't understand. I can see why you might have felt you needed to lie to me about dr. sloth. you didn't need to spare my feelings on that one, but I don't blame you for thinking you needed to. in truth, the character is very important to me. I won't go into why right now because that's not what this is about. but basically, i'm okay with people having a difference of opinion. it's okay to not like something I like, even if it's something I really love. I get upset over character bashing but that's different. i'm used to people not sharing my special interests. the reason I got upset with the headcanon post was the context I interpreted it as still being in. I didn't stop to think about other possibilities as to why you would be feeling that way, and for that I am sorry. I shouldn't have accused you of trying to hurt me. from what i'm aware you've never tried to hurt me, and in fact you've gone to great lengths in the past to avoid hurting me. i'm sorry that you put yourself through that. and i'm sorry that I ever made you feel like you had to pretend.

and above all, i'm sorry for being scared of you. i'm sorry I felt like I couldn't express myself for fear of judgement. and i'm sorry that I didn't understand your side. I understand now, and I understand that I was in the wrong. tbh i'm still scared, but I feel like talking it out honestly with each other is the only way either of us is going to find closure.

[06/07/2016 18:37:35] *** Ted would like to add you on Skype ***

[06/07/2016 18:49:37] *** Loops [[removed]] has shared contact details with Ted. ***

[06/07/2016 18:51:41] 🔫: yo

[06/07/2016 18:52:04] 🔫: your message from monday sent just now so you don't have to resend it

[06/07/2016 18:52:15] Ted: cool, thanks for letting me know

[06/07/2016 18:56:15] 🔫: anyway thank you for talking to me and i forgive you

im sorry how mean i was in that last fight we had, (not the sloth thing, the one before it) i never would have told anyone but i felt bad about screaming at you afterwards

and i'm sorry about the sloth thing too, i really didn't intend for you to see it or for anyone to reblog that from me, it was meant as a reply to the op and not a dig at you, i winced as soon as i saw that you @ me because i knew what it was about

so can we be cool again

we don't have to be buddies but i don't want us to keep blacklisting each other because that's clearly not working out so great huh

[06/07/2016 18:58:37] Ted: ball of anxiety right now so I can't really talk but I wanna send you hugs, is that ok?

[06/07/2016 18:59:36] 🔫: yeah

[06/07/2016 18:59:42] 🔫: you can answer whenever

[06/07/2016 18:59:51] Ted: [hugs]

[06/07/2016 19:00:18] 🔫: (my reply was kind of short too because i didn't know what to do bcs clare's offline)

[10/07/2016 11:15:59] Ted: Don't feel like you have to forgive me in order to stop the drama. There's no ambiguity anymore about why you were acting the way you did, and I know you feel as bad about it as I do. Likewise, take your own time in responding. I want to make sure that we both understand each other and can go forward feeling like we don't have to hide, so please if you have any questions do ask. I'm more than willing to answer (tho it just might take a bit bc of irl stresses and stuff)

---

[16/07/2016 17:02:09] Ted: Could you maybe ask bean if it's ok if I talk to her about why I was removed from the neogames chat again?

[16/07/2016 17:02:35] Ted: (also I keep meaning to say sorry for not wishing you a happy birthday)

[16/07/2016 17:03:23] Ted: (I was still unsure at the time and I didn't want to make you feel awkward)

[17/07/2016 01:38:37] Clare 🐻: She says "yeah totally!"

And thanks! I get that heheh. Birthdays aren't really a big deal to me tbh

---

[17/07/2016 19:31:48] *** Ted would like to add you on Skype ***

[17/07/2016 19:35:59] *** add me on discorp bean#8272 has shared contact details with Ted. ***

[17/07/2016 22:34:35] Ted: hi, i'm gonna have to postpone until tomorrow. really not in a good place mentally right now

[17/07/2016 22:45:36] Ted: (rl stuff)

[18/07/2016 23:19:43] Ted: are you online? (sorry, skype's acting a bit weirdly)

[19/07/2016 22:19:14] gravy fucking sucks and you cant tell me otherwise: sorry for the late reply ;v; I was out all day yesterday, but i'm free now!!

---

[30/07/2016 11:48:24] Ted: Man, sorry for going all quiet on you. My family's been going through a really rough time so they've had to take priority and I haven't been getting to the things I was already in the middle of and it's all been really stressful

[30/07/2016 11:50:42] Ted: Anyway, it'll probably be really difficult to find a time when we're both online, so I wanted to know if you're okay with receiving messages while you're offline?

[30/07/2016 18:51:33] kong, from the series "King Of Apes", available only on Netflix™: i'm okay w/ that!!

[31/07/2016 09:22:26] Ted: So... I guess I'm basically wondering again why everything happened the way it did with the neogames chat, and... I guess I felt hard done by when you told me not to worry and then removed me for the same reason without telling me anything had changed

[31/07/2016 09:29:19] Ted: I did view you as a friend, but I have no idea if you feel the same way so I guess I'm asking that as well. I know I'm liable to making that mistake because I've made it in the past more than once. It's ok if you don't see me as a friend. I know you don't hate me and I know you were under a lot of pressure when the games were going on.

[31/07/2016 09:31:49] Ted: Sorry for being so much trouble

[03/08/2016 17:56:22] Ted: Man, I'm sorry. All I really meant to ask you was why I was removed from the group, since the first conversation kind of got derailed when we started talking about yaakov and when Clare got involved and stuff. I know you weren't really trying to hurt me. I've never thought that.

[03/08/2016 19:51:17] kong, from the series "King Of Apes", available only on Netflix™: aaa, i am so sorry, my message never sent. basically the only reason why you were removed from the group was because Barbie and Yakko were uncomfortable with you being in the group

[03/08/2016 19:53:48] Ted: Barbie? That's very surprising, but ok. Why didn't you tell me?

[03/08/2016 19:55:13] kong, from the series "King Of Apes", available only on Netflix™: At the time, I was very blinded by the situation. Everyone was talking to me at once, you and yakko and Barbie and the neogames chat. Everything was firing off at once. At the same time I wanted to protect the identities of barb and yakko because I didn't want to ruin your relationships with them

[03/08/2016 19:55:41] kong, from the series "King Of Apes", available only on Netflix™: In hindsight, I should've been flat out with you, and I apologize for being so vague and causing you so much stress

[03/08/2016 19:57:31] Ted: I wish people had just talked to me in the first place

[03/08/2016 19:58:43] kong, from the series "King Of Apes", available only on Netflix™: I think they didn't talk to you because they were afraid of hurting your feelings further. They both figured that silence was better than confrontation at the time

[03/08/2016 20:00:45] Ted: I felt like everyone had rejected me

[03/08/2016 20:03:04] Ted: Sorry, I know that's not your fault. I'm still all messed up and stuff irl isn't helping

[03/08/2016 20:03:53] Ted: I'm just still very confused

[03/08/2016 20:03:56] kong, from the series "King Of Apes", available only on Netflix™: Yeah, you deserved to hear what actually caused me kicking you out, so don't worry too hard abt contacting me out of the blue

[03/08/2016 20:06:34] Ted: It's just... Kicking me out was supposed to hurt my feelings less than talking things through and telling me what was wrong?

[03/08/2016 20:08:29] Ted: I really don't understand why that was the solution you all came to

[03/08/2016 20:09:56] kong, from the series "King Of Apes", available only on Netflix™: It wasn't my call ultimately. They all wanted to kick you out, but I was trepidatious, but because I was the only admin I was the only one who could kick. I was going through some tough times during this whole thing, so after being warn down I just. Did it

[03/08/2016 20:13:11] Ted: Like, I know why Yaakov wanted me removed

[03/08/2016 20:13:43] Ted: I really don't understand. I apologised.

[03/08/2016 20:14:49] kong, from the series "King Of Apes", available only on Netflix™: Sometimes people are just. Deeply affected by what others do, and no matter the amount of apologies it won't really bring things back to where it once was

[03/08/2016 20:15:14] Ted: Then they should have talked to me

[03/08/2016 20:15:35] Ted: I understand trauma. I've been there so many times

[03/08/2016 20:15:39] kong, from the series "King Of Apes", available only on Netflix™: Talking to you brought back a lot of bad memories/feelings

[03/08/2016 20:15:50] kong, from the series "King Of Apes", available only on Netflix™: After the incident at hand, that is

[03/08/2016 20:16:22] Ted: Did anyone even think about how it would feel for me?

[03/08/2016 20:17:00] kong, from the series "King Of Apes", available only on Netflix™: That's why Clare and I stepped in as a middleman so to speak, so that way you could feel closure and they could relax

[03/08/2016 20:17:23 | Edited 20:16:59] Ted: When are you meaning?

[03/08/2016 20:18:12] kong, from the series "King Of Apes", available only on Netflix™: Like. Right afterwords, Clare started talking to you, and because of irl stuff I wasn't able to help her out consistently until just recently

[03/08/2016 20:18:28] Ted: After what?

[03/08/2016 20:18:45] kong, from the series "King Of Apes", available only on Netflix™: After you got kicked/tried to reach out to yakko

[03/08/2016 20:19:16] Ted: She didn't keep talking to me

[03/08/2016 20:19:29] Ted: She didn't even talk about the group stuff

[03/08/2016 20:20:44] Ted: She just told me "you need to leave yakko alone"

[03/08/2016 20:21:16] kong, from the series "King Of Apes", available only on Netflix™: I think in hindsight we were both too emotionally invested to do the job we set out to do

[03/08/2016 20:22:02] Ted: I thought you didn't want to hear from me bc you'd removed me as a contact

[03/08/2016 20:23:22] kong, from the series "King Of Apes", available only on Netflix™: I removed you as a contact because I was emotionally fired up after some irl junk and it wasn't right on my behalf

[03/08/2016 20:26:36] Ted: I still have no idea who hates me and who doesn't, and who never wants to hear from me again

[03/08/2016 20:26:55] Ted: I have no idea who I can trust, who I can even talk to

[03/08/2016 20:27:24] kong, from the series "King Of Apes", available only on Netflix™: Yakko will not want to hear from you again, possibly same with Clare and Barb

[03/08/2016 20:28:14 | Edited 20:28:26] Ted: Wait, yaakov and I went through some stuff lately, is this after that? And don't worry, I think Clare and I are cool again

[03/08/2016 20:29:23] kong, from the series "King Of Apes", available only on Netflix™: I don't know abt anything you and yakko went through lately, I'm just speaking from after I removed you

[03/08/2016 20:29:35] Ted: Ah, ok

[03/08/2016 20:30:13] Ted: Well, yaakov and I basically apologised to each other after that last public misunderstanding

[03/08/2016 20:46:11] kong, from the series "King Of Apes", available only on Netflix™: Alright well, even so, just let them mellow out for a while

[03/08/2016 20:53:05] Ted: Have they said something? I don't really know what's going on right now

[03/08/2016 20:55:47] kong, from the series "King Of Apes", available only on Netflix™: I asked them what was up and they said that they were still healing, give them some time

[03/08/2016 20:56:30] Ted: As in right now?

[03/08/2016 20:56:45] kong, from the series "King Of Apes", available only on Netflix™: Yes

[03/08/2016 20:57:04] Ted: Ok, cool. That's good to know

[03/08/2016 21:10:49] Ted: I get the impression asriel hates me, though I'm not quite sure why

[03/08/2016 21:17:32] Ted: (Also, I don't think it's fair that the group manipulated you like that)

[03/08/2016 21:21:50] Ted: (something smells really fishy about them trying to spare my feelings by pressuring you to remove me)

[04/08/2016 01:37:22] Ted: Hang on, I think barbie and I interacted in a friendly way even after the group chat stuff. Are you still in contact with him? Could you maybe ask if I can talk to him about this? I really don't want to cause anymore upset but I feel like talking it out is the only way I'll be able to put these feelings to rest

[04/08/2016 13:09:31] Ted: And like, I know it might seem like I'm upset, but I really am so grateful to know you don't hate me for everything that went down. It's taken a lot of worry off my mind to know that we're okay

[04/08/2016 13:15:49] Ted: With everything else that's going on right now, I needed that

[06/08/2016 14:04:04] Ted: Bean?

[11/08/2016 19:07:39] Ted: Are you ok?

[14/08/2016 18:14:43] Ted: Please respond

[17/08/2016 10:10:44] Ted: Bean please

---

[18/07/2016 23:09:40] Ted: hi

[18/07/2016 23:11:56] Ted: (ah, sorry, thought you were online)

do you know if Yaakov would still be up for talking things through with gabby?

[18/07/2016 23:46:57] Clare 🐻: I am sorry! Just now getting up lol

& yeah yakko would def still be down, do you know gabby's Skype name?

[18/07/2016 23:47:32] Ted: yeah, but they're not really keen on using skype

[18/07/2016 23:49:49] Ted: they're still very much on edge about the whole thing and would prefer a simpler platform

[18/07/2016 23:51:33] Clare 🐻: Oh okay! That's fair, what platform would work best?

[18/07/2016 23:55:25] Ted: i'm just discussing that with them right now

[19/07/2016 00:01:07] Clare 🐻: righteous, keep me posted c:

[19/07/2016 00:07:44] Ted: ok is Yaakov online right now?

[19/07/2016 00:09:01] Clare 🐻: yep!

[19/07/2016 00:10:07] Ted: cool, would you be up for a group chat type thing? basically so you and me can know what's happening and support yakko/gabby respectively

[19/07/2016 00:12:48] Ted: (if so, there's a link here: https://chatstep.com/#not_tinychat and the password is "bruh")

[19/07/2016 00:13:14] Clare 🐻: yeah i'm down, should I let yakko know?

[19/07/2016 00:13:21] Ted: yes, definitely

[19/07/2016 00:14:27] Ted: (ok seems you have to go in through the homepage since it's passworded)

[19/07/2016 00:19:12] Clare 🐻: yorick isn't really up for a group chat right off the bat, it'd be okay after but yakko doesn't want spectators

[19/07/2016 00:19:25] Ted: ok, i'll let gabby know

[19/07/2016 00:21:00] Ted: ah, Gabby's not really comfortable one-on-one

[19/07/2016 00:22:04] Ted: (I think Gabby's scared in case one or the other starts yelling and it breaks down)

[19/07/2016 00:24:26] Clare 🐻: hhm yeah that makes sense

[19/07/2016 00:24:28] Clare 🐻: well shit

[19/07/2016 00:24:29] Clare 🐻: now what

[19/07/2016 00:24:33] Ted: idk

[19/07/2016 00:32:59] Ted: gabby really doesn't feel safe talking to Yaakov one on one in case they (gabby), uh, I don't really want to repeat the wording but suffice to say they feel they can't trust themself to keep it civil if you and me aren't there

[19/07/2016 00:35:41] Clare 🐻: would it be easier if we like, passed along messages or something? yorick feels really strongly about not being spectated

[19/07/2016 00:37:18] Ted: so would that be like Yaakov says something to you, I relay it to gabby, gabby responds, I pass the response to you and you give it to Yaakov?

[19/07/2016 00:37:44] Clare 🐻: yeah I guess

[19/07/2016 00:37:53] Clare 🐻: i'd have to run it by yakko first though hang on

[19/07/2016 00:38:35] Ted: gabby says that would be ok

[19/07/2016 00:40:55] Clare 🐻: yakko's okay with it too

[19/07/2016 00:41:10] Clare 🐻: finger pistols

we're in business

[19/07/2016 00:41:13] Ted: cool!

[19/07/2016 00:48:04] Ted: alright, so ted keeps telling me to talk things out with you

[19/07/2016 00:57:25] Clare 🐻: im not ok with my words being passed through 4 different people and i don't see the point when i don't feel like i have anything to say to gabby and gabby doesn't want to because she's been told that she has to talk to me

[19/07/2016 00:57:40] Clare 🐻: okay we might not be in business

[19/07/2016 00:57:50] Ted: aw ok :(

[19/07/2016 00:58:48] Ted: if you wanna pass on that I wasn't telling gabby that they had to, just that it would probably help them if they did

[19/07/2016 00:59:53] Ted: this isn't going to be easy to deal with

[19/07/2016 01:00:02] Ted: oh man

[19/07/2016 01:01:00] Clare 🐻: yeah I don't know where to go from here

[19/07/2016 01:01:22] Ted: it took ages for them to work up even enough courage for this

[19/07/2016 01:01:38] Ted: if it goes wrong now... idk... this is really bad...

[19/07/2016 01:01:56] Clare 🐻: well it doesn't seem to be going wrong so much as not going anywhere

[19/07/2016 01:02:26] Clare 🐻: so gabby doesn't want to talk to yorick because they're worried they'll get mad? or upset?

[19/07/2016 01:02:36] Ted: yeah

[19/07/2016 01:03:08] Clare 🐻: hm

[19/07/2016 01:03:19] Ted: i run the risk of being a massive asshole and it becoming a huge fight

[19/07/2016 01:03:28] Ted: were their words

[19/07/2016 01:05:56] Ted: i haven't passed on yet that Yaakov doesn't want to talk

[19/07/2016 01:06:54] Clare 🐻: it's not that yakko doesn't want to talk, still definitely down to talk

[19/07/2016 01:07:15] Clare 🐻: I think it would just be preferable if things were a little more private

[19/07/2016 01:07:26] Ted: but they said they didn't have anything to say to gabby?

[19/07/2016 01:08:24] Clare 🐻: yeah yorick doesn't have anything to say but if gabby does then yorick's open to hearing it

[19/07/2016 01:08:29] Clare 🐻: answering questions, talking it out

[19/07/2016 01:08:32] Clare 🐻: that kinda stuff

[19/07/2016 01:08:49] Ted: ah, ok, i'll relay that then?

[19/07/2016 01:09:12] Ted: would Yaakov be ok if it was like an actual question or something?

[19/07/2016 01:09:42] Clare 🐻: how do you mean? o:

[19/07/2016 01:10:09 | Edited 01:10:09] Ted: like, if gabby gave a question to me to pass to you to forward to yaakov

[19/07/2016 01:13:44] Clare 🐻: i dunno i think it would depend on the question

[19/07/2016 01:13:51] Clare 🐻: do they have one in mind?

[19/07/2016 01:13:58] Ted: i don't think so

[19/07/2016 01:14:24] Ted: like, they're kind of in the same boat, where they need something to go off of

[19/07/2016 01:15:15] Clare 🐻: i feel you

[19/07/2016 01:15:43] Clare 🐻: i dunno i think it would be okay but i don't wanna like, assume

[19/07/2016 01:20:18] Ted: Gabby's not gonna budge any further, unfortunately

[19/07/2016 01:20:56] Clare 🐻: yeah neither is yorick \:

[19/07/2016 01:21:39] Clare 🐻: if gabby has a question or anything to say i can pass it along but idt yorickk's gonna wanna respond so publicly

[19/07/2016 01:22:04] Ted: oh dear, i really thought this was gonna work

[19/07/2016 01:22:23] Clare 🐻: me too

[19/07/2016 01:22:25] Clare 🐻: this sucks

[19/07/2016 01:22:32] Ted: since Yaakov trusts you, gabby trusts me, we trust each other

[19/07/2016 01:22:44] Ted: yeah, i have a really bad feeling about this

[19/07/2016 01:24:46] Ted: can you give me confirmation that Yaakov genuinely really does want to talk things through with gabby, just privately is all?

[19/07/2016 01:24:56] Ted: (and like, not just a grudging ok)

[19/07/2016 01:26:21] Clare 🐻: yeah when i told yakko there wasn't any like, hesitation or grumbling

[19/07/2016 01:26:30] Clare 🐻: just "sure what's her skype name"

[19/07/2016 01:27:09] Ted: and it isn't just a case of honouring a request?

[19/07/2016 01:30:08] Clare 🐻: what do you mean

[19/07/2016 01:31:37] Ted: like, is it "sure" as in "i was hoping we would get a chance" or "sure" as in "i have nothing against it"?

[19/07/2016 01:32:13] Ted: (Gabby's asking if it being just me would help but i can't see that it would)

[19/07/2016 01:32:54] Clare 🐻: probably the latter, but all things considered that's about the best we could hope for i think

[19/07/2016 01:33:15] Clare 🐻: just you like yorick talking to you?

[19/07/2016 01:34:04] Ted: i think it means just me as the only "spectator" or the sole mediator or whatever terminology you want to use

[19/07/2016 01:35:03] Ted: might be best just to drop the whole thing if it was a case of the latter

[19/07/2016 01:35:23] Ted: unless Yaakov really knows what they're getting into

[19/07/2016 01:37:06] Clare 🐻: yeah idt yorick would go for that

[19/07/2016 01:37:25] Clare 🐻: i know yakko is open to talking but if gabby doesn't have anything they want to say then

[19/07/2016 01:37:29] Clare 🐻: sshrug emoji

[19/07/2016 01:38:46] Ted: then the whole thing is off. i am absolutely not going to talk to them one-on-onewell that's that then :(

[19/07/2016 01:39:09] Clare 🐻: oof. alright

[19/07/2016 01:39:23] Ted:  they can tell you when they're ready to talk to me, with a mediator

[19/07/2016 01:40:06] Ted: so, yeah, that's their position on it. :\

[19/07/2016 01:40:10] Ted: sorry about all this

[19/07/2016 01:40:59] Ted: ("you" as in me)

[19/07/2016 01:41:22] Clare 🐻: yeah i got that

[19/07/2016 01:41:33] Clare 🐻: i'm sorry too, i was really hoping this would work out

[19/07/2016 01:42:10] Clare 🐻: yorick isn't going to approach gabby without anything to say, so idt this is ever going to go down

[19/07/2016 01:42:19] Ted: yeah :(

[19/07/2016 01:43:05] Ted: the trauma's still fresh in Gabby's mind and has been since the whole incident went down, thanks to the whole sticky thoughts thing

[19/07/2016 01:45:30] Clare 🐻: is that why you wanted them to talk to yakko? resolution or reconciliation or w/e?

[19/07/2016 01:45:37] Ted: yeah

[19/07/2016 01:46:51] Clare 🐻: damn

[19/07/2016 01:46:53] Clare 🐻: this sucks

[19/07/2016 01:47:09] Ted: it does

[19/07/2016 01:47:56] Ted: i'll keep trying to do the best i can, but there's only so much i can really reassure them about

[19/07/2016 01:49:01] Clare 🐻: yeah i feel you

[19/07/2016 01:49:12] Clare 🐻: make sure they know i'm always down to talk

[19/07/2016 01:49:23] Ted: ok, i'll pass that on

[19/07/2016 01:49:31] Ted: thanks

---

[21/07/2016 10:37:52] Ted: *Please don't feel

[21/07/2016 10:38:41] Ted: That was the word I was missing. I knew I was missing a word

[21/07/2016 18:23:59] 🔫: im getting kinda uncomfortable with this situation because i keep getting pressured to respond every few days because it keeps getting re-brought up when im trying to relax irl because of medical stuff and i don't really want to say anything right now

[21/07/2016 18:46:36] Ted: That's fine. I did say take your time. I didn't mean anything by this, it was just a puzzle that had been bothering me for a while.

[21/07/2016 19:42:59] Ted: Tbh my rl's a nightmare rn and I haven't even been on tumblr the past few days.

---

[30/08/2016 12:12:46] Ted: Did you stop talking to me because of something I said or is it because of something completely unrelated that you don't want to talk about? Please, I need to know if I said something that upset you.

[03/09/2016 02:53:30] the rumor come out: does bean is gay?: sorry, it wasn't because of anything you said. I've just been trying to hyper focus in on college, so I've pretty much muted everyone on here except for a few irl friends

[03/09/2016 02:53:43] the rumor come out: does bean is gay?: ive been bad at checking in when I get notifications, so that probably didn't help either

[03/09/2016 12:32:43] Ted: That makes sense. Thank you for getting back to me

---

[20/08/2016 19:02:01] 🍳 yolkie: yo

[20/08/2016 19:02:27] 🍳 yolkie: this is probably weird to message you right now

[20/08/2016 19:03:03] 🍳 yolkie: but something really wild is going on irl and it's making all my internet fights seem so. petty

[20/08/2016 19:03:18] 🍳 yolkie: so anyway i'm sorry and you're a cool person

[20/08/2016 19:04:05] 🍳 yolkie: i got kicked out of my home last night and in the morning i'm most likely going to fly 2500 miles across the country to live with clare's mom

[20/08/2016 19:05:09] 🍳 yolkie: and if i get abducted or something on the way and die i don't want any grudges or reasons for my soul to haunt anyone's neopets or whatever

[20/08/2016 19:26:32] Ted: Thank you for messaging me. I hope everything goes well for you on your journey and I hope you get there safely.

[20/08/2016 19:31:08] Ted: Things have only been getting worse and worse in my rl, so I know the feeling of wanting to get things wrapped up in case something happens.

[20/08/2016 19:31:26] Ted: I'm sorry you got kicked out.

[20/08/2016 22:03:02] Ted: Good luck

---

---

[07/12/2016 01:27:56] ᴸᵒᵒᵖˢ: hey

can you please not namedrop me on your blog

im going through a lot right now; therapy, new medication, endometriosis & infertility, clare dumping me, recent homelessness, and abuse from my family and the reason i left tumblr is because my family was stalking me. please i really don't need this and im asking you, as a favor, please don't talk about me

[07/12/2016 01:33:12] Ted: i've also been going through a lot right now, but hey, I censored the post so your family won't be able to stalk you through me (although I don't know how they would be able to but fair enough you know better about that than I do)

[07/12/2016 01:34:31] ᴸᵒᵒᵖˢ: thanks

[07/12/2016 01:35:30] Ted: i'm just sick of people treating me like a cinnamon roll when they don't know what i did

[07/12/2016 01:36:20] Ted: and other people not wanting to touch me bc of my "secret"

[07/12/2016 01:38:11] ᴸᵒᵒᵖˢ: i have way bigger problems now so dont even worry about it. its in the past and i have to focus on the things that are actively killing me right now and i don't like this kind of thing being dug up again when i'm in a different chapter of my life now

[07/12/2016 01:39:40] Ted: I can't move on from it when my friends are constantly reblogging from someone who asked me not to interact with them over what happened with you and who hasn't blocked me for some reason, and bc Gabby's still suffering and it's still my fault

[07/12/2016 01:49:24] ᴸᵒᵒᵖˢ: this is going to sound harsh but i promise i mean it in the best possible way.. feeling sorry for yourself isn't going to help gabby. idk the full extent of gabby's problems but it sounds like they're a lot bigger than you and me and are something she needs outside help with, but that's entirely up to her.

be there for her, be a rock for her to lean on instead of making her feel worse about how she is by saying it's all your fault. it's so fucking difficult to be strong for other people when your own life is in shambles, but relationships with other people are always difficult, that's just how it is and it sucks but it's not going to change. focus on helping gabby by building yourself up for her instead of tearing yourself down when she needs you to lean on

[07/12/2016 01:50:57] Ted: ok

[07/12/2016 01:51:49] Ted: btw, Gabby's a "they"

[07/12/2016 01:52:02] Ted: thanks though. I needed that.

[07/12/2016 01:54:46] ᴸᵒᵒᵖˢ: no prob. hope it works out

[07/12/2016 01:54:53] Ted: thank you

---

12/17/2016

oocneoblog: hi, i realise we haven't talked since the thing, and i'm sorry about that. anyway, i think gabby would really appreciate hearing from you. they've been feeling really down about themselves lately and i think unresolved feelings over people they used to talk to are part of it.

12/17/2016

clarenecessities: oh dang okay, what's the best way to get a hold of 'em?

12/17/2016

oocneoblog: probably skype. they don't have im open to people they're not following

thank you so much

12/18/2016

clarenecessities: yeah no worries dude, anything i can do i'm down for

i think they may have removed me on skype though, is there some other way to hit them up

oocneoblog: gabby says you're still a contact

clarenecessities: whhat's their skype name

oocneoblog: [removed]

clarenecessities: oh whoops i was looking in the wrong section

---

03/01/2017 [[To Barbie, who appears to have left for good by this point.]]

oocneoblog: Hi, I'm not sure how often you come on here anymore or if you'll even see this but I really need to talk to you about what happened in the neogames chat. I've been putting it off for a while because I didn't know if you'd even want to hear from me but... I always appreciated our friendship and it makes me so sad to think that I ever hurt you.

[yellowfeaverpainting]

religious influence

Religious influence in utah

Is the religious influence a good thing? I have lived in Utah my whole life and was once a member of the predominant religion in Utah, The church of Jesus christ of latter day saints. I was raised in this religion and so were many of my friends. I remember not being able to play with my friends on Sundays, and always being at church every sunday. When I got a little older I wasn't allowed to drink coffee or dress a certain way. I was told specific guidelines to follow on dates. I was terrified to screw up or question anything. I remember when i would question the guidelines i was told to follow I would immediately get accusing looks, like I was doing something wrong. I never had a problem with these rules until they started to control who I was becoming. I wondered if this dominant influence in my life was really for the betterment of my life or was it just another social trap, another mold that my community was trying to stuff me into. I eventually left the religion when I began to wonder if this religious influence was really a good thing.

Religious influence has touched all over the world from establishing states and countries such as Utah or Israel. Religion also has an influence in politics. Some politicians let their religious views dictate what law should or shouldn't be made. Some countries run on the views of their predominant religion. Religious influence also stretches all the way back to prehistoric humans and how they lived and explained the world around them. Religion became a means of survival for some. Whole countries depend on religion to govern them and the people within. Religion starts wars and slaughters. It also influences us from a sociological standpoint and how we can or can not act around our social circles, but religion will also offer support and hope in people's time of need. Some religions send out volunteers in times of crisis or even just to volunteer at a local soup kitchen. Religious influence is more predominant in people's lives than they realize.

In 1847, Brigham Young led a company of Mormon pioneers into the Salt Lake Valley and said, “This is the place.” From that day on the area that would eventually become where the state of Utah was established. Young at the time was also the leader of the LDS religion. He had led that company of pioneers across the west in search of freedom from religious persecution. After being run out of other states the pioneers decided to look for and create their own settlement, which would eventually become modern day Utah. 

 At the time of the pioneer's arrival into the Salt Lake valley, the LDS religion had been established for around 25 years and was still establishing rules and guidelines for its members. Some of those rules included avoiding tobacco and alcohol use, as well as avoiding coffee and tea. Some beliefs continue to this day while others (i.e. plural marriage) were abandoned as they were a source of contention with the federal government. As these rules and beliefs were developed and established it begs the question, why? Why not allow the consumption of coffee or tea? Tobacco and alcohol use is understandable given the health risks associated with their use but, coffee? It doesn't have the same health risks that smoking tobacco does nor does it come with the social taboo that plural marriage has. Plus, it wasn’t until the religion had been established for years that these specific rules came about. 

Most rules within religion have been constant such as avoiding sexual relations outside of marriage or avoiding tobacco and alcohol while others have changed with the times such as allowing African American’s to hold the priesthood. These rules influence and dictate how the members are to make decisions and, in some ways, dictate how they live their lives. But is this type of extreme influence good in a person's life. Does it not take away their independence, their individuality, and their agency? All qualities the church encourages but sometimes appears to do its best to influence. 

Last year the lds church sent an email out to the members of its church urging them to vote no to the law legalizing medical marijuana. The Deseret new writes and explains the reasoning behind the church's decision. The question is though would this email be a breach of separation between church and state. No matter the reasoning behind the email it is blatantly telling its members how to vote. “As a member of the coalition, we urge voters of Utah to vote NO on Proposition 2, and join us in a call to state elected officials to promptly work with medical experts, patients, and community leaders to find a solution that will work for all Utahns, without the harmful effects that will come to pass if Proposition 2 becomes law”(Deseret News 2018). The quote I chose is taken directly from an email the lds sent to its members. It is a specific example of separation between church and state. The separation between church and state is the jurisprudential concept for defining political distance in the relationship between religious organizations and the nation state. Religions shouldn't tell people how to vote or what to vote for and politicians should not base their views or how the country should be run on their own personal religious values. Separation between church and state is a way to create balance between everyone's own personal views and morals.

The Scopes Monkey Trials is another example of separation between church and state. In which a teacher was arrested for teaching about evolution in a school in tennessee. Tennessee in 1925 passed a law which prohibits the teaching of darwinism in schools. It was the first law in the United states that banned the teaching of evolution. There are currently 14 states in the United States that use tax dollars to teach creationism within public schools. “The Butler bill, which had been passed in March 1925, made it a misdemeanor punishable by fine to “teach any theory that denies the story of the Divine Creation of man as taught in the Bible, and to teach instead that man has descended from a lower order of animals.” (History.com Editors 2010). I wanted to use the scopes monkey trials as another historical example of religious influence and separation between church and state but the interesting twist about the scopes monkey trials is that the case was lost. The teacher who was convicted had to pay a fee in the end for breaking the law but the verdict was overturned due to a technicality. Even though the verdict was guilty the court recognized the scopes monkey trials raised the public's awareness of teaching theology and/or modoer science in public schools. The trail raises the distinct divide between urban and rural american life in the 1920’s. The scopes monkey trials is used as an emblem on the creationist v. elelutionist controversy.

In the 13th century the puritan church were slaughtering people on the premise that they were witches. The puritain church encouraged its members to condon their neighbors as witches. It was a moment where fear controlled a religion and anything they deemed different or going against their ways was evil and immoral and therefore put to death. The Salem witch trials are an example of religious influence and fear working together to slaughter innocent people. Some people at this time were so brainwashed into thinking that any little thing out of place was because of magic, anything they couldn’t explain through religion or the bible was therefore witchcraft and evil. “Puritan lifestyle was influenced heavily by the church and Christian beliefs. Church was the cornerstone of the mainly Puritan society of the 17th century.”(Blumberg 2007).  Puritan laws were extremely rigid and the members of society were expected to follow a strict moral code. Due to this fact, anything that was believed to go against this code was considered a sin and deserved to be punished. The Puritans also believed strongly in the wrath of God and did everything they could to prevent themselves from receiving it. This is why the witch scare was taken so seriously and the accused were punished harshly. The first women to be accused as witches were those who strayed from the Puritan lifestyle and were considered to be social outcasts. Religion can influence a mass group of people for the worse is what this quote and the entire Salem witch trials show. It's a religious group of people who teach to be different is a sin. The puritan s were scared of God’s wrath and had to quel anything they deemed evil and sin immediately or else god would punish them. They used their religious influence to keep people in line and to accuse neighbors, friends, even family. It is an historical example of fear and religious influence coming together to create the perfect storm to slaughter the falsely accused people.

Every major religion has some kind of crusade. Some kind of purification time period in which a religion tries to purge any other religion. Such is the case in the 13 century when the christian faith lead cursades to take back their holy lands such as jerusalem from other major religions such as muslim or jedaism through war and violence. In modern day Iran the christine population has dropped from 1.5 million to less than 120,000 because of the religious persecution in the middle east. “Throughout the remainder of the 13th century, a variety of Crusades aimed not so much to topple Muslim forces in the Holy Land but to combat any and all of those seen as enemies of the Christian faith. The Crusaders slaughtered hundreds of men, women, and children in their victorious entrance into Jerusalem.”(History.com Editors 2010) I used the crusades as an ancient example to show that religious influence is not a new concept. Religious influence has been around as long as religion has. The crusade are specifically a christion example of a extreme way of converting people to their religion. There are religions that still do this today, it has never gone away.

Why do people need religion in the first place? Why has religion always played a part in influencing people's decisions throughout history. There are as many different theories regarding why humans developed religion as there are religions. There is no definite answer, however. One theory is that religion is to enhance self-control. Another theory would be that religion was created to enhance a sense of cooperation. Another theory being explored by psychologists suggests the religion may be a byproduct of trying to find order in chaos. Humans anthropomorphized their environment to believe the world around them was created for their use; to answer the questions they have about the world around them. The american Psychology Association article entitled A reason to believe talks about the history of how religion was first developed by prehistoric humans. It goes on to explain how religion was first developed as a way to explain the natural phenomenons around them. Before science was able to explain the word around ancient civilizations used legends and stories, those legends and stories were their religion. These stories influenced how they saw the world around them. They created the wrath of gods to explain natural phenomenons. The world influenced their beliefs. They needed to understand the world around them and created religion to compensate for a lack of understanding. “Most researchers don’t believe that the cognitive tendencies that bias us toward religious belief evolved specifically for thinking about religion. Rather, they likely served other adaptive purposes. For example, because people are quick to believe that someone or something is behind even the most benign experiences, they may perceive the sound of the wind rustling leaves as a potential predator. In evolutionary terms it was probably better for us to mistakenly assume that the wind was a lion than to ignore the rustling and risk death.”(Azar 2010). This quote is used to show that there are also physiological reasons for religious influence. That before technology and we had the brain comprehension to understand the world around us, before we had complex thinking religious influence was there even before religion had a name. Religion was a sort of prehistoric thinking that kept us moving and aware of the world around us, it kept us alive before we had the understanding to do it ourselves.

Psychology Today writes an article entitled why do people believe in God. The article talks about how people use religion as a safety net in their everyday lives. How undeveloped countries have a higher religious rate than developed countries. This is because people use God and religion as a safety blanket for their cruel world. They believe in a higher power that will keep them or their family safe. The article talks about how affordable health care can also play a role in the religious rates because the United State has a high religious rate but the article argues that this is because we don’t have affordable health care. We don’t have that assurance that our government will come to our rescue when we are sick or injured so the idea of a higher power that will always be there for us looks more appealing. “There are societal factors that influence the degree of religious belief within societies. As a general rule, religious belief is considerably lower in developed countries compared with the underdeveloped world. The United States, with its high standard of living and high religiosity, is the glaring exception. However, as Mercier and his colleagues point out, Japan and Western European have universal health care and extensive social safety nets, as opposed to the U.S. The Japanese and the Europeans know their governments will come to their aid in their hour of need. But the laissez-faire attitudes of American society make people’s futures less certain and the belief in a benevolent God more attractive.” (Ludden 2018). This quote is to reflex that not only does religion influence the world but outside forces also influence a religion. People turn to God when the world has turned against them so it makes sense that underdeveloped countries have higher religious rates. It's the same when a dying atheist suddenly turns toward religion in his last moments, to have some sort of safety net. Religion is the escape, the light at the end of the tunnel for those who have nothing. Religion gives hope and peace, it brings people comfort in times or anxiety but if you're not worrying about where your next meal will come or if you have a safe place to sleep tonight or how you’ll get clean water then you don’t see God's guiding light as a necessity in your life.

Religion can promote people to be more aware of how others in their community view them. But it also leads to judging your neighbors and the way they live their life. It promotes a sense of community but also a sense of keeping up with the joneses. People have to make themselves look better than their neighbors. They convince themselves that the way they are living their life is more moral than another because they are living in a religious community that encourages this train of thought. This article by the Association for Psychological Science explains how religion influences  a person's self control. How growing up in a religion can influence how a person views themselves in a community. “It’s not entirely clear what cognitive mechanism is at work in religion’s influence on self-control. One possibility is that religion makes people mindful of an ever watchful God, and thus encourages more self-monitoring. Or religious priming may activate concerns of supernatural punishment. A more secular explanation is that religious priming makes people more concerned about their reputation in the community, leading to more careful self-monitoring.”(Ludden 2018). The quote I have chosen shows how religion influences how people act in their social groups. It is another example of how religion can have physiological effects on people. It influences how they see themselves, how they see their neighbors and how they act around their neighbors. Religion influences how people act the same way we would train a pet, through punishment and reward. You do something good and moral, you follow the rules we set for you, you go to Heaven, Nirvana, Paradise, Moksha, you get blessed. If you're bad and break the rules you go to Hell, Hades, Samsara, you get punished. It is the same idea of when people use cautionary tales to scare young children into following the rules and being good.

While religious influence can definitely have a negative effect on the masses it can also have a positive effect as well. The article by the heritage foundation talks about all of the positive things religion does for a person and community. Religion can influence people to become better by not smoking or drinking. It can encourage people to reach out and help those in need. It promotes the necessity of family and also gives young children a support system in case they can’t go to family. Religious influence has negative effects and positive effects just like anything else. Considerable evidence indicates that religious involvement reduces "such problems as sexual permissiveness, teen pregnancy, suicide, drug abuse, alcoholism, and to some extent deviant and delinquent acts, and increases self esteem, family cohesiveness and general well being. Some religious influences have a modest impact whereas another portion seem like the mental equivalent of nuclear energy. More generally, social scientists are discovering the continuing power of religion to protect the family from the forces that would tear it down." (Fagan). This quote is to show the positive effect religion can have on one's life. It can give people hope and provide a strong moral compass for people. It gives young children strong morals to grow up with and a support system they can go to outside of their parents. Religion can provide good life advice and hope to those living in troubling times. It helps people from dark physiological places and even out of dangerous situations. It offers support and love to those with nowhere else to turn.

Gretchen Ely is a proffessor and assosiate dean at the university of buffalo writes an artical about the abortion policies in other contries and what those countries predominant religion is. She writes about how strict laws are purposly put into effect to create it harder for a person to afford an abortion. She talks about how such laws and acts are advocated specifically by christian politicians in the United states. “Title X funds have never been used to pay for abortion services. But by eliminating funding for facilities that offer abortions in addition to other reproductive services, the Trump administration rule may leave millions of low-income Planned Parenthood patients without family planning care. The new rule is part of an old American effort, promoted by Christian activists and lawmakers, to make legal abortions as difficult as possible to obtain”(Ely 2020). The quote i have choosen supports my reasearch because it gives an example of how religouse influence can affect reproductive health, specifically abortion and how abortion can be a nessecity to women all over the world but due to some out dated laws influenced by certian belifs abortion are hard to get in certian areas of the world. 

Huffpost published an article entitled A Detrimental Influence: The Effect Religion has on Laws. The article goes on to explain the influence religion has on laws. It gives example such as how same-sex marrige used to be illegal in some states. It talks about certain forms of contraception are illegal because the predominant religion has placed a large importance on procreation. Not to long ago same-sex marrige was illegale until suprime court ruled against it. The laws against same-sex amrrige where all completly based on religion and personal befeifs. In no way was it causing any harm to anyone and yet it was still illegal. “Religion should remain what it truly is — a voluntary belief, not science and not law. One of the main issues in the world today is the fact that to some people, religion and the Bible or the Torah or the Qur’an is science and the law. This belief has, and still is, causing fatal problems throughout the world. In many places, forms of contraception are illegal. Even if these women are extremely impoverished, and cannot feed themselves (let alone a child), and have a large chance of dying due to unsafe birth conditions, they have no choice but to have the baby. Even more controversial is the issue of abortion. 52 of the world’s 196 countries only allow abortions to save the mother’s life. That is 26 percent of the world. This prevents family planning worldwide and can be extremely detrimental to a woman’s mental and physical health.”(Veselka 2012). The quote i chose from the huffpost article is important because it explains why religion should not be in lawmaking. It gives examples of how religion can influence people's personal lives by changing laws such as who they can or can not marry. Religion in many ways is a person's opinion. While it is important to have an opinion they shouldn’t be the determining factor in law making. If you decide to create a law based purely on your opinion you force everyone to follow something they don’t agree with. You're forcing your opinion on other people. Religion Is good to give people a moral compass. Don’t steal, don’t murder, don’t lie, all good advice from a moral stand point.

Religious influence has touched all across history, from ancient Greeks writing stories of gods on mountains to modern day religious persecution and wars. Religion has had influence in law making and reproductive health policies. Religion gives people a safety net and a place to fall back on in times of crisis. But religious influence has also caused great harm to others in extreme cases when fear and hate controls a religion. It helped ancient people explain the world around them and this does this for others today. People don’t realize how much religion influences everything around them and sometimes for the worse. In some cases religious influence does not belong in society, when it causes fear and hate, when it tries to control its members. But there is no denying that without religion the society and world we live in would be a much different place.

[mikhalsarah]

Ill-omened Things

“Fine weapons are, nonetheless, ill-omened things.” -Tao Te Ching

I saw the Tree of Life shooting coming. Not specifically, of course. Generally.

 I said more than a decade ago that bad things were coming and I take no pleasure in being right. I said, over and again, as I watched the Jewish community wooed and courted by this and that purveyor of polite racism (be it Fox News, the Tories, or some little Evangelical church around the corner) that we were naive to think that just because we rubbed elbows with these people that we’d be spared from what they would set loose in the world. 

Why did the Jewish community keep it up? Your guess is ultimately as good as mine.... these were the sorts of bigots and nutjobs we wouldn’t have been caught dead with normally...but my guess is that waving an Israeli flag enthusiastically covereth a multitude of sins. We didn’t like them...oh, we didn’t like them, but for a long time we smiled and shock hands and nodded politely, as directed by the powers that be in the Jewish Community, who adored them. Those powers saw in our new philosemitic friends a weapon. A weapon in the fight to promote the nation of Israel, for the good of Jews everywhere. 

I saw an ill omen.

In some ways it was understandable. This is the way that the Jewish community has coped for nearly two millenia: Cozy up to power for protection even if it means making a deal with the devil and losing your soul. In the short-term this has worked well, but the long view of history betrays the truth...we get used by the powerful, who ultimately betray us to the mobs whose resentment we have incurred by standing by as the powerful exploit them. When they rise up in outrage the powerful will hand us over on a silver platter or simply flee to safety, leaving us behind. We took a whole new route in North America: For the first time we started making common cause with other groups who were oppressed and fighting to change the system. Realistically, it probably was the first time we were able to.

“In the 1950s, Jewish leaders, from rabbis to intellectuals to the heads of prominent institutions, argued that Jews would be only as accepted as the least-accepted people in America.” 

We had choices, and as the decades passed we chose to be....hypocritical, for one. To be right-wing in Israel where we were a powerful but resented majority and left-wing in North America where we were a tiny minority. And the world began to notice that we did not practice what we preached. Those on the Left began to criticise Israel (and increasingly, on the fringes, Jews), and those on the Right....well, some of them wanted to “support us” (for the dubious reasons of needing us for their Armageddon) and others wanted to emulate us and be rid of us in one fell sweep. After all, we had our own country now. Why should we get a country of our own, just for the Jews, and still get to hang about their countries giving them sanctimonious lectures on pluralism and tolerance? (Whilst also just having way too much influence, in their opinions)

We also chose to be at each other’s throats. We, too, divided into camps of Left and Right, particularly from the 80s onward, when acceptance opened the doors of country clubs and gated communities and we started receiving callers from Team Moral Majority. I suspect some Jews on both sides of the divide forgot there was ever a time it was otherwise. And it goes without saying that we divided religiously, which is not at all new under the sun, or that the political divides often went hand in hand with the religious divides. Often, but by no means always.

I must admit a certain admiration for the organizers of Jewish life. It was no mean feat to keep the rank and file Jews united for the better part of four decades....selling left-wing Jews on Israel being a modern civilization with feminism, gay rights, beaches, and nightclubs... and selling right-wing Jews on Israel as a bastion of strength and security amongst the Muslim hordes....all while selling religious Jews on the chance of living to see the Messiah via the Flowering of the Redemption. I’m not anti-Israel, nor am I pro-Israel. The early Zionists aspired for Israel to be a country like any other, and like any other country it is complex and often contradictory. There was a little of something to sell everyone on. Any good salesperson is part stage magician. It’s important to keep an audience’s eyes on what you want them to see and away from what will ruin the show....and the organized Jewish community has certainly excelled at misdirection where Israel is concerned. It was bound to unravel eventually, but kudos where due. Getting Jews to do anything en masse is like herding cats, and they kept us all on the same page for nearly half a century...so willing to support Israel that we eventually got into bed with the very sorts of people who had spent two millenia driving us out of Israel and nearly every other country we’d lived in.

Am I blaming the victims in Pittsburgh or intimating that they deserved it in any fashion for supporting Israel, as I’m sure the many groups meeting in the Tree of Life synagogue did? Absolutely not...I believe this, or something like it, would have happened regardless. Even leaving aside that Jews are overwhelmingly liberal and were always bound to catch flak for it in the event of a rightward lurch, Jews are a tiny proportion of the population and our votes and voices hardly carry the day in any direction. The Evangelicals would have used Israel  for their own devices with or without us...that’s the wondrous thing about Christian Zionism, no actual Jews required. For most of history Christianity considered itself the New Israel so in our absence the Jews 2.0 would, sooner or later, simply have set out to reconquer the Holy Land themselves...as they have tried to do so many times before. Some Jews continue to harbour a sneaking suspicion that they might one day revert to form and try again.

But we might have slowed the descent into madness down, just a little. And we didn’t have to give it our blessing and allow our name to be used to justify it. It was just easier to go on not looking at what was happening with Israel...either in Israel itself or with her supporters abroad. Diaspora Jews could remain critical of the countries they remained married to, yet continue to carry a torch for Israel... a beautiful ideal untouched by the harsh reality of living with her everyday and seeing her skivvies hanging over the shower bar. 

"One thing that I think was made stark this week is that there are many Jews who have liked many of Trump's policies on Israel, but I hope this week that American Jews have woken up to the price of that bargain: They have traded policies that they like for the values that have sustained the Jewish people – and frankly, this country –  forever: Welcoming the stranger; dignity for all human beings; equality under the law; respect for dissent; love of truth. These are the things we are losing under this president – and no policy is worth that price." -Bari Weiss

 Ultimately I’m discussing the WAY in which Israel was supported, not the fact of it....unquestioningly, uncritically and surpassing all other values in importance. As if it were one of the Ten Commandments themselves. With a willingness to turn a blind eye to what was oozing out from the underbelly of the Right in exchange for “support”...an ooze which which didn’t stay among the Gentiles. The things I heard said around the kiddush table sometimes, chiefly about Muslims but not limited to them, sometimes chilled me to the bone (and keep in mind this is a liberal synagogue that I attended at the time). Discussion about nuking entire nations to rid us of a few jihadis hiding in the hills, abuse towards recent immigrants, you name it. The increasingly impolite racism of our new friends was creeping in, putting its feet up and making itself quite at home. 

The Jewish leadership was so enamoured of its new weapons, so dazzled, that the ill omens gathering on the horizon were simply not on the radar. Like so many fearful people given a gun, some felt suddenly invincible...which tends to  bring a reckless disregard for reality as its plus-one. What? Our new friends turn on us? Blasphemy! To be fair the Pittsburgh shooter is neither evangelical, nor is he a fan of Trump...mainly because Trump is “surrounded by kikes” (his words, not mine) and is “not enough of an asshole” (Bill Maher’s words, not mine)....so he can’t really be called a fair-weather friend but some of the stuff written by alleged Evangelicals in the wake of Trump has been only marginally better. (Following is a screenshot from the comments section of a major Jewish site, most of which have more regular commentators who are Christians than Jews these days)

 It’s more that our so-called friends have no real control over the rabid dogs at their feet, but also don’t want to put them down. Sort of a, “It’s sad when they maul our friends, but they might be useful later so we don’t want to be hasty.”, thing. We might need shock troops for the war against a caravan of Mexican converts to Islam, or something.  So in the wake of this, they will shed a few tears, make a few heartfelt (but suitably vague) condemnations about hatred and violence “on both sides” and wait for it to all blow over. But they won’t really DO anything.

They won’t, for example, make any attempt at gun control. Instead they will litter the comments of major news websites with advice to Jews on the need to be armed, vigilant and vehemently opposed to the idea of the synagogue as a gun-free space. The average age of Jews shot in this attack was 73. Exactly how many septegenarians do these people know who could get the drop on someone who surprised them with an assault rifle? 

As if we need weapons in the hands of untrained civilians, who are as likely to shoot each other as the assailant, assuming they can even reach their gun before the bullets start flying and haven’t dropped it on the floor from their hands shaking in panic. And like we need guns in the hands of most Jews...I’ve seen Jews attempt to assemble a tool-free Sukkah kit and put a pole through the stained glass window of the Sanctuary in the process. I wouldn’t give most of my fellow Jews power tools, much less ballistic weaponry. Jews who grew up in the age of the First-person Shooter might be an exception to that, but most of them have been recently bar-mitzvahed and won’t be seen or heard from until marriage or the bris of their first born sons, whichever comes first. You want Jews who can defend themselves?.. teach them krav maga. And shut the doors before services start. If nothing else people will be forced to show up in time to avoid a collision with the Torah procession. (If I begin to sound glib here I’m not. Sarcasm and dark humour are my coping mechanisms)

Which is the gist of the problem. People don’t care about the Torah procession, or the Torah itself, anymore. Israel has long eclipsed Torah as the central value of modern Jewish communal life. Not to say we have no other values, but Israel trumps every one...even tikkun olam, which is hardly enough to base a religion on either, though not for lack of trying. Israel is, at least, a Torah value of a sort, since it has saved lives and continues to have potential to do so, and Torah does allow us to set aside most laws to save a life....most laws, but not all.  As one Rabbi so wryly put it, “I could get up on the bimah and say that God doesn’t exist and no one would bat an eye, but if I criticized Israel all hell would break loose”. (I paraphrase here as I seem to have lost the link to that quote but that’s the gist of it). You always know what’s really important to people by paying attention to what will piss them off most if you attack it.

The Hasids I studied with would say that this alone is the reason for the uptick in antisemitism and violence...we have lost our way and the gentiles are being sent to remind us that we don’t belong in their country clubs in the first place. I can’t speak to the divine incitation of the gentiles to violence, but we certainly have forgotten a lot. I went to my city’s vigil for Tree of Life and spent much of it shaking my head in disbelief. The presiding Rabbi recited “All the world is a very narrow bridge, the essential thing is to have no fear at all” which he then attributed to Rabbi Nahman of Bratzlov. Aside from being a very cynical and paranoid quotation, it doesn’t belong to R. Nahman at all. It belongs to a popular  musician, Rabbi Baruch Chait, who took the liberty of paraphrasing the Bratzlover Rebbe for a song he performed for soldiers during the Yom Kippur War. The depressing sentiment of the whole world being a dangerous and insecure place being meant to inspire the soldiers, I can only assume. Ofra Haza’s vocals notwithstanding, it certainly never inspired me.

 Despite R. Nahman’s frequent bouts of depression and struggles with his faith, I assure you, no such depressing phrase crossed his actual lips...what he said was more along the lines of “When a person must cross a very narrow bridge the essential thing is not to frighten yourself at all”. Sage advice: don’t recklessly forget the danger, yet don’t dwell on it until you are too paralyzed to put one foot in front of the other. But we cannot distinguish one Rav from another, and so we take the advice of the lesser thinking it from the greater. That and we seem to perversely delight in scaring ourselves half to death.

Not that a better grasp of Who’s Who in Rabbinical History necessarily helps. Many of the Orthodox are in a state of profound denial about either the dangers of the Right, or the ability and willingness of God to bail them out....something God neglected to do during the Holocaust, when the frei who ran to the treifah medinah were saved while pious rabbis were burned alongside their yeshivas. I suspect they, too, have spent too much time around Evangelicals and have picked up their belief in a god who always pulls off a win for the home team. Jews spend three weeks a year mourning a Temple that got destroyed twice, the rebuilding of which we’ve been awaiting for all of a two millenia exile that God still hasn’t bailed us out of. You’d think we’d know better. 

And Israel is no help. Liberal Jews in America, like secular Jews in Israel, don’t breed. At least, they rarely breed and seldom with other Jews. It is rather inevitable that they will diminish in numbers, in enthusiasm, or both. So Israel spends much of its time courting the growing number of very enthusiastic Evangelical Gentiles and ignoring any groups of Jews with an average of four children or fewer. As with the aforementioned comments sections of Jewish sites, it leads to a bizarre state of affairs in which Christians now have more say, and sway, regarding Israel than the Jews whose eternal homeland it supposedly is. I await with trepidation the day when Israel finally decides that it should just amend the Law of Return accordingly.

Despite knowing that they explicity want to christianize the Jews, their numbers and political clout are just too tempting to pass up; Israel and the establishment Zionists are now utterly dependant on them. There is a sort of delusional belief that this strain of philosemitic Christianity and its cheerleading will continue on forever when, truthfully, it might not last another generation. Neither millenial Evangelicals nor non-White/European ones are all that fussed, and even some older White Evangelicals are suffering from “End-times Fatigue” or starting to ask how American Evangelicals have been able to turn their backs on fellow Christians in Israel for so long now. Jews are not the only ones who have carved an idol out of a country, it seems. 

To my relief only one speaker was crass enough to play the Israel card at the vigil, and it didn’t go over well. Though undoubtedly well-intentioned, it really did come across a bit like capitalizing on someone’s disaster to score points. I think the phrase is, “Too soon”. The only speaker to get riotous applause was the Rabbi who simply told the crowd more or less the same thing as R. Nahman, “We must not let fear stop us!” before he sang a Leonard Cohen song to end the vigil. Two nice ladies walking home in front of me wondered who this Leonard Cohen was. “He must be another Rabbi” they decided.

In the words of the immortal R. Cohen, “Reality is one of the possibilities I cannot afford to ignore”. And the reality is we are standing before a very narrow bridge that we have no choice but to cross.

[geeksperhour]

via Screaming Frog

A few months ago I posted an article that outlined some of the tools & techniques we use at Screaming Frog for coming up with content ideas. Within that post I touched upon several websites that are worth visiting when you’re in need of inspiration, and I wanted to expand on that aspect of ideation by hearing from several experts in the content marketing field.

If you work in content, it’s a good idea to build up a bank of sites, newsletters and Twitter accounts that you find insightful and check them on a daily basis. Not only does it help inspire you, it highlights topics and forms of content that are currently working well, which you can then use to inform your strategy.

A full list of all the sources mentioned below can be found at the bottom of the post.

Hannah Smith

Head of Outreach – Verve Search | @hannah_bo_banna

I recommend BrainPickings.org to just about everyone I meet. It’s run by Maria Popova, who writes extensively about the creative process. It’s an absolute delight, plus as she’s been writing since 2006 there’s an extensive archive to explore, plus she sends out a weekly newsletter.

Austin Kleon is a writer who draws. He authored Steal Like an Artist, the book which finally helped me figure out my own creative process. He also sends out a weekly newsletter which I’d recommend subscribing to.

Matt Muir is an excellent human who shares a bunch of interesting stuff on twitter, plus he curates the wonderful Imperica newsletter, Web Curios which you should subscribe to – it’ll brighten up your Friday, I promise.

Newsletters aside, there are a few sites I like to browse for inspiration:

This Is Colossal

Fast Company

The Guardian’s Art & Design section

Dangerous Minds

Some of our favourite examples from Hannah’s list are:

Lovely Photo Manipulations Utilizing Stock Photography

The NSA’s newly declassified propaganda posters are wild

Nigerian women’s elaborate hairstyles – in pictures

Red Devils, Black Bats & Angry Cats: The Wacky Art of Vintage Fireworks Packaging

Danny Ashton

Founder and CEO – NeoMam Studios | @dannyashton

/r/dataisbeautiful

FlowingData

FiveThirtyEight

I have also been checking out Data USA to what data might be around the topic we are looking at.

Right now I am really loving using both Ahrefs and Buzzsumo to pull out relevant high performing content to get the creative juices flowing.

The evergreen score on Buzzsumo is great for filtering out time-sensitive news stories.

I also like to do keyword searches on the AskReddit subreddit, it’s great at identifying the top questions for a niche.

Some of our favourite examples from Danny’s list are:

Who kissed whom in The Office (US)

A Day in the Life of Americans

Gun Deaths in America

Mark Johnstone

Creative Content Consultant – MarkJohnstone.co | @epicgraphic

NYTimes Graphics on Twitter plus they do an annual roundup of their best visual storytelling.

Washington Post do the same (Twitter and roundup).

BloomBerg are also doing great stuff these days.

My absolute favourite is VisualisingData’s roundups. I also like to keep an eye on Pudding.cool, and /internetisbeautiful and /dataisbeautiful.

The IIB Awards is probably the best curation at the moment.

Plus I always pay attention to what David McCandless is doing on his own site, Information is Beautiful.

In truth, a lot of things cross my path from following Volodymyr Kupriyanov. VK (as he’s known) was my colleague at Distilled, data analyst/journalist/visualisation expert, and an awesome resource if anyone needs any research or data wizardry on their projects. He’s freelance these days :)

I used to follow ChartPorn & iLoveCharts back in the day, but they seem a little less active these days. Still worth checking out the back catalogue if you haven’t already (might take you a while!).

If anyone wants to learn more about visualising data, they should read Tufte’s book and all of the Fell in Love with Data blog (I’ve read it page to page 3 times!). And follow VisualisingData (again!).

And FlowingData is also a good place for inspiring content.

I also tend to see what other agencies are doing – at awards ceremonies or in conference presentations.

The Webby’s also show lots of very cool content – maybe something to aim for one day! :)

Some of our favourite examples from Mark’s list are:

What Music Do Americans Love the Most? 50 Detailed Fan Maps

What #eclipse2017 looked like across the country

All the Buildings in Manhattan

Seven Things to Know About Climate Change

Stacey MacNaught

Freelance SEO Consultant – StaceyMacNaught.co.uk | @staceycav

I’m a big fan of data driven content, so I like to keep an eye on Gov.uk Statistics for newly released data sets. I also like the Yougov blog as they publish regular data findings there and it’s always interesting to see what stories are then picked up further and to unpick what makes them interesting and newsworthy. You can also learn tonnes from following people who regularly create content you love. The guys at Verve Search spring to mind as immediately obvious ones. Follow them all!

But some of the very best inspiration for me comes from sitting in a room with a couple of other freelancers talking about what we’re seeing in the press and throwing ideas around over a coffee. You can’t beat people to sound off.

Some of our favourite examples from Stacey’s list are:

Car driving test data by test centre

YouGov’s Beer Map of Britain

Ryan Sammy

Creative Strategy – Frac.tl | @ryansammy Finding endless inspiration for high-quality content ideas can be challenging. Most people assume ideation (“idea generation”) is a well that can dry up — especially when you’re stuck brainstorming campaign ideas for a boring vertical. At Fractl, we collectively curate a database of inspiration that our Creative Strategists (“project managers”) use to discover new visualization tactics and generate engaging ideas. If you’re feeling stuck, here’s a quick list of our favorite sites for content inspiration:

Kaggle – a goldmine of free datasets waiting to be turned into campaigns! I use Kaggle to get an idea of how people are taking and manipulating existing datasets. Oftentimes, Kaggle helps inspire an correlating idea, or it gives you a new way to examine a dataset you didn’t even consider.I also pay attention to the forks in projects and the competitions.

Data.world – a social media community that is a cross of Github and Kaggle, where users and organizations share their data and projects. Here, you can search keywords related to your client, or follow a specific topics like technology. I personally set up alerts on new projects and popular shares for the vertical(s) we work with the most frequently.

Tableau Gallery – get inspiration from a community of data analysts and content creators! Discover new ways to visualize data based on what catches your eye, and check out what projects people are already creating in your vertical.

Flowing Data – a site dedicated to curating the cutting edge of data visualization. Pro tip: Bookmark tags from specific publishers you’re hoping to land press from (ex. New York Times) to explore the types of data stories and visualizations that these writers are interested in covering.

Curated Content Emails – There are dozens of email lists you can subscribe to for content inspiration. Two of my favorites are Data Is Plural (archives) and Numlock news (archives), both of which curate popular stories that focus on data analysis. These email blasts are a great way to see how a wide variety of publishers are covering data stories.

Github – Saved Github searches like “visualizations” or “scrapers” are an easy way to get inspired by scrapes other data analysts are doing, and they can expose you to new data scraping techniques others are using. The most important aspect of successful content creation is your ability to distill complex data into a format that will quickly resonate with a broad range of readers. These tools will get you started on your mission to create shareable content for your business!

Some of our favourite examples from Ryan’s list are:

Street network orientation in major cities

All the results from FIFA World Cups

Bangalore’s Bus Routes

Shannon McGuirk

Head of PR & Content – Aira | @shannonmcguirk_

Here’s a few sites that the team and I regularly visit:

TeleGraphs (this is great for trending data)

Creative Bloq

Futurism

Infographicsly

Daily Infographic

Entrepreneur Infographics

BBC Infographics

PR Examples (this is great for seeing how PR agencies are leveraging online assets)

Matador Network Infographics

The Guardian Datablog

A few Reddit threads:

/r/datasets

/r/mapporn

/r/infographics

And Twitter profiles:

Telegraph_Data

Ashley_J_Kirk

Ollie

DataDhrumil

Some of our favourite examples from Shannon’s list are:

How Pep Guardiola’s Manchester City broke the Premier League record

Habitable Planets – Could we make them?

Most popular girl name by state from 1960-2012

Three rebrands stores for the thing in Russia

Rebecca Brown

Head of Content – Builtvisible | @rebeccagraceb

Our team find inspiration in a number of places, and like to take in information in a number of ways.

One of our senior consultants told me she listens to the Stuff You Should Know podcast from howstuffworks.com. That podcast is really interesting because it just covers so much, and you get loads of niche information you wouldn’t find anywhere else!

Our design team obviously look for more visual sources of inspiration, and regularly look at look at Muzli, Dribbble and Behance for design. When it comes to web design, one of our visual designers recommends Awwwards.

We also all share news stories and interesting campaigns constantly, which helps give us loads of relevant inspiration for reactive ideas. In every niche we work on we share weekly news updates, but aside from that we have a huge culture of sharing which really helps inspire everyone. We use a tool called raindrop to collate visual inspiration for all teams.

Some of our favourite examples from Rebecca’s list are:

Narwhals: Unicorns of the Sea

99 design inspiration accounts to follow on Instagram

The History of Connection

Emojis: A New Language?

Sources of Inspiration Mentioned

Subreddits

DataIsBeautiful

AskReddit

InternetIsBeautiful

Datasets

MapPorn

Infographics

Data Driven

Flowing Data

FiveThirtyEight

Telegraph Data

The Guardian Data

Visualising Data

Pudding.cool

Information Is Beautiful

Fell in Love with Data

Tableau Gallery

Datasets

Data USA

Data.world

YouGov

News

The Guardian Art & Design

Bloomberg Graphics

Entrepreneur Infographics

BBC.com Infographics

Awards & Galleries

Information is Beautiful Awards

Webby Awards

Awwwards

Visual.ly

Infographicsly

Dribbble

Behance

Twitter Accounts

Matt_Muir – Chief Writer at Imperica

NYTGraphics – The New York Times Graphics Department

V_kupriyanov – Freelance researcher and data analyst

Telegraph_Data – The home of TeleGraphs – a hub of data journalism from The Telegraph

Ashley_J_Kirk – Senior data journalist at The Telegraph

Ollie – Senior writer fivethirtyeight

DataDhrumil – Database Journalist

Blogs

Creative Bloq

The Inspiration Grid

Shutterstock Blog

Canva Blog

Best Infographics

Bored Panda

Futurism

Daily Infographics

PR Examples

Matador Network

Muz.li

Dangerous Minds

Fast Company

This Is Colossal

Chart Porn

I Love Charts

Podcasts

StuffYouShouldKnow

Newsletters

Brainpickings

Austin Kleon

Data is Plural

Numlock

Web Curios

Tools

Ahrefs

Buzzsumo

Books

The Visual Display of Quantitative Information

Misc

Pinterest

Github Search – visualization

Github Search – scrapers

[aridara]

Capitalism 001

So, since I’d been in a discussion about capitalism, I figured that having one longpost about it might simplify debate a lot, since I can just link to this post and point to the part that contains the explanation.

Bear in mind that I’m not a sociology or economics expert/professor, so it’ll be VERY basic.

1) Money = value = human work

So, in the beginnings of civilizations, populations hunted/foraged/grew/whatever themselves the goods they needed. Or at least tried to, because thing is, sometimes you just don’t have access to thing B that you needed. So, a simple solution was barter: give to another person thing A; and in exchange, get thing B (that has the same value*) from that person. Example:

(A) quantity of grapes   —>   (B) quantity of goat milk

The “value” of a certain quantity of a good, in this case, is the amount of work needed to produce that certain quantity of a good. It also covers the expenses of mantaining - and eventually replace - all the instruments and tools you made that good. For example: the work needed to get a goat, feed it, raise it, milk it, help it have baby goats (replacement), and eventually kill it, take the meat, and the skin; that work is the combined value of every drop of milk, piece of meat, and piece of skin you can get from that goat.

Now, the above barter is not as simple as it seems. For starters, you must obviously have something you can trade - which means that it has to be something that you don’t need (or is a surplus that you wouldn’t use otherwise). The second problem is that the other person must be in the same position: in this case, they have to be willing to trade goat milk. The third problem is that the other person must also be willing to trade in exchange for the thing you’re offering (grapes). This whole exchange is quite specific.

Then “money” (from sea shells to round pieces of metal) was introduced as a “common denominator” you can turn any kind of goods into, and that can be turned into any kind of goods. Example:

(A) grapes   —->   (X) money   —>   (B) goat milk

This makes the situation much more simple. Now I, the grape-haver who needs goat milk, do not have to find someone with goat milk who is willing to exchange said milk for grapes; I have to find someone who needs grapes, sell my grapes to them in exchange for money, and then go find someone who sells goat milk and buy their milk with my money. Much easier.

2) Proto-Capitalism, aka how “money” can become “more money”

Now, in the previously explained economic system, the following is also true:

(X) money   —>   (A) grapes   —>   (X) money

It’s also perfectly useless, because I end with the exact amount of money I previously had, right where I started. But I could also do this:

(X) money   —>   (A) grapes   >>[my work]>>   (B) wine   —>   (X + P) money

I’ve bought a good (material) that costs X, and I’ve put more work into it to turn into a product, whose value is the value of the materials used AND of the extra work I’ve put into it. The value of the extra work that I have done is turned into the profit I get after selling it; my work increased the value of the good (from grapes to wine). If I wanted to do things properly, I could add in consideration the tools I use to make my products:

(X) money   —>   materials + tools   >>[my work]>>   finished product   —>   (X + P) money

Let’s make an example:

50.030$   –> –>   50.000$ worth of wood, nails and otherm materials (enough for 5.000 chairs) + a 30$ hammer that will allow me to build 5.000 chairs >> >>[my work]>> >> 5.000 chairs   –> –> 70.030$ (50.300$ of costs + 20.000$ of profit).

The monetary cost of making 5.000 chairs equals the monetary value (which in turn equals the amount of human work necessary to make those things)  of everything that went in the construction of those 5.000 chairs - both the materials and the tools (including manteinance, repairs, and eventually substitution when they irremedably break). The final value of the finished product is equal to the monetary cost above, PLUS the amount of human work necessary to turn those materials into the finished product.

Note that in both cases, money is at the beginning of the chain. This is capitalism, or at least a prototypical version of it: the money is the basis, and it’s used to create a product that is then sold to make more money than what I started with, aka make a profit. The stuff I produce and how it will be used is secondary; what matters is that I sell it. Compare that to the previous economic systems, where I started and ended with a material good, and where my objective was to get something I needed.

3) Capitalism proper, aka “How we put money above material stuff (and everything and everyone else)”

Here’s the thing: human work is, by itself, a kind of good. It can be sold, it can be bought. And it increases the value of anything it’s used on. Therefore, I can essentially buy (well, rent) the working capacity of some people to do this:

(X) money   —>   (grapes) + (machinery) + (workers)   >>[the work of the workers on the grapes]>>   (wine)   —> (X + P) money

Question: where profit P comes from? Well, we know that the value of the wine is equal to:

The costs of the grapes;

The costs of buying, mantaining, and eventually replacing the eventual tools and machinery;

The work that the workers (employees) have put to turn the grapes into wine.

But what about what I’ve actually paid?

The costs of the grapes;

The costs of buying, mantaining, and eventually replacing the eventual tools and machinery;

The costs of buying, mantaining, and eventually replacing my employees.

THAT is a big point. Because here’s the simple truth: the amount of money I pay my employees is ALWAYS less than the amount of extra value (profit or surplus value) said employees produce for me. Sometimes, the difference is in the order of the thousands of times.

Which leads to the following point:

4) Capitalism has two classes in conflict between each other

Societies tend to have social classes with different levels of power, roles and interests. Ancient Romans had patricians (rulers), equites (rich, were required to provide soldiers), regular citizens, proletarii (poor citizens), and slaves; the Middle Age had royals, nobility, peasants, and serfs.

In a capitalistic society, all social groups can be ultimately brought back to two classes: bourgeoisie and proletarians.

The bourgeoisie (collective term; bourgeois are the individuals of said class, both singular and plural) has property over the “means of production” - aka mostly industries. Inside the company they manage, they own: > The company; > The company’s money; > The materials they bought with said money; > The machines and tools (bought with the aforementioned money) used to work said materials; > The working capacities of their employees (rented with the aforementioned money); > The finished products; > All the profits resulting from selling said products.

The proletarians do NOT have the property of any mean of production, with the sole exception of their own ability to work; this means that, in order to survive, they have to rent said ability to someone else. Inside the company they work in, they own: > The salary they earn by renting their working ability. > That’s it.

These two classes have radically different objectives. The bourgeois wants to make as much profit as possible, in order to trump over the other bourgeois. This can be done in various ways: for example, by reducing the costs of salaries, or reducing the wastes by employing more efficient technology, etc. The proletarian wants to get the most money out of an hour of their work.

As you can see, the two classes have opposite objectives, and also different  weapons. The bourgeois has the money the proletarian needs to survive. They can fight for putting proletarians in a situation where they are either paid less for their work, or get fired. The proletarian, however, has the ability to create profit for their bourgeois - and if that ability is denied (strike), the bourgeois may be at a serious disadvantage towards other bourgeois. After all, a proletarian might be able to work for someone else.

(Note: in reality, things are more complicated, since each class tends to have different layers and groups. For example, “little bourgeois” like the owner of little artisans businesses both have a mean of production (their craft), but they have to actually do human work to produce profit. But, in general terms, the classes are the two above.)

5) Captalism always ends up creating the above conflict

Industries (for ex. industrialized farms), being much more efficient than small manual producers (farmers), end up driving the latter out of business.

This forces the aforementioned manual producers to migrate towards the cities and seek work, becoming employed (proletarians) by those same industries.

Industrialized work requires more instruction than manual work, which means that the institutions will tend to promote the instruction of the masses in order to get the required amount of specialized workers.

More education also means more tools to examine your own situation. Proletarians acquire a knowledge of the capitalistic system, in particular in reagrd to its own situation (class consciousness).

Proletarians understand that their main weapon towards their employers is the strike: they refuse to work, denying their employers any profit they would’ve otherwise have made. They can use this as leverage to get better pay/working conditions. Of course, the bourgeois - whose main aim is getting the maximum profit - might respond with mass firings, asking for laws to their own protection, etc. to get said maximum profit.

6) Imperialism: capitalism’s ultimate form

In very simple terms, imperialism is essentially capitalism after having spread enough to influence the entire world. It is characterized by five specific signs:

1) Production and capitals have concentrated enough to create monopolies that can decisively influence the economic world by themselves. Crack open an history book: in England, at the beginnings of the industrial revolution, a lot of businesses bloomed, each roughly equal. But today, we’ve got a relatively limited number of businesses (multinationals) capable of influencing the entire planet. This is because, again, the ultimate goal of the capitalistic system is profit, aka capital/money. Which means that businesses will strive to get more profit and more capital, and for constant growth to win over the other businesses of the same field.

2) Bank capital and industrial capital fuse into financial capital. You can see by yourself that, nowadays, industries and banks “play with each other” through loans, investments and stock exchange. Combined with (1) above, that means that we not only have an oligarchy of big industrial powers (factories, businesses); but we have an oligarchy of financial powers - and yes, that also includes States - that can influence our lives more and more.

3) Exporting capitals has more importance than exporting goods. You can see this when industries go invest in other countries to get new industries and low-cost manpower. Incidentally, this also gives them a weapon towards proletarians in already-industrialized countries: “Either you accept these new, worse conditions; or I’ll bring my business elsewhere where people are grateful they can get few money”. (This also explains why any workers’ movement should be international: because all workers are united in the struggle against their masters.)

4) The appearance of international monopolistic organizations that fight over the global market. (Again: this also includes States.)

5) The greatest capitalist powers divide the world among themselves. One egregious example: the Yalta Conference.

Keep in mind that “Imperialism” was first defined by John A. Hobson in 1902, and that the definition was specified by Vladimir Lenin in 1916 - more than a century ago now.

7) The contradictions and crisis of capitalism

You know famines, right? Something happens, your farms/fields/forests etc. don’t produce enough food to satisfy the needs of the population, said population starves. This is a kind of crisis caused by the lack of certain resources. Nowadays, there’s 7 billions people on this planet, and 1 bil. are below the starving line. Yet, the world produces enough food to a satisfying and fulfilling breakfast, lunch, snack and dinner to 12 bil. of people. How come there’s people starving when there’s so much food?! The answer: those people don’t have the money. Capitalism doesn’t care about the needs of people; it cares about money. It rewards the people and methods that make the most money - which includes doing stuff like throwing away unsold food to keep the prices high. Which, if you think about it while putting the needs of the people first and profit second, is utterly abherrant.

But I want to point out to another thing. Remember the famines I spoke about? Ideally, those are all but relegated in the past. Capitalism - specifically, the industrial development promoted by capitalism - has brought us to a point where it should be almost impossible to not produce enough stuff to satisfy the global needs. In short: crisis caused by underproduction aren’t a thing anymore. What ARE a thing in this age, are crisis caused by overproduction. Look:

Bourgeois continously race against each other to make the most profit.

Which means that they fight with each other to get the biggest market share possible, aka sell the greatest amount of stuff.

The capacity of the market is finite. Even with all my good will, I can’t afford to have 7 different cars at the same time. Hell, I don’t even know what I’d do with 7 cars - I’d use one, two at most.

A possible solution to [2] is to find new untapped markets. But even with globalization expanding the markets to the entire world, this solution cannot be sustained long-term, as even those markets will eventually get filled.

When the market is saturated, many bourgeois find themselves unable to sell their stuff, and go bankrupt as a result.

Taking the local and statal economy with them. Remember: due to Imperialism (see previous section), the majority of the world’s capitals tend to be concentrated in the hands of a minority of bourgeois.

Over production crisis are inevitable in a capitalistic system, because they are caused by the bourgeoise’s tendency to always seek to increase profit - and this tendency is one of the literal basis of capitalism itself.

Another interesting contradiction is that, while bourgeois increase the industrialization of a country (developing more efficient machineries/strategies/means of production is a good way to increase your profits, after all), they also tend to increase the education levels of a country. After all, when your production requires more complex stuff to do, you’ll need more specialized workers to do that stuff, right? And that education requires money, because now families have to sustain children who study unstead of working. Which mean that wages rise - despite the bourgeoise’s best efforts to keep them as down as possible.* Not only that, but education leads those students and workers to educate themselves  - which means that they can learn stuff like how capitalism works, and how an effective method to get worker rights is for workers to go on a strike, denying their employers of the profit they (the workers) would’ve produced. So, manufacturers decide to export their factories in pre- or early-capitalism countries, where proletarians are less organized, weaker, and work for less money. Only for the cycle to start anew.

(*: And if wages go down enough, families cannot afford to send their children to higher-level schools, that comes to bite bourgeois in the ass later, since now they lack the specialized workers they need. Cue yet another crisis.)

Bottom line: crisis in capitalism aren’t a bug, an error that would’ve been avoided if we all followed exactly the rules of capitalism. They’re features. They’re literally built in capitalism itself - and thus, cannot be avoided as long as capitalism exists.

8) War is the continuation of peaceful economic competition

Long story short: capitalism is a system where the main goal is the continuous increase of profit - which is done both by reducing the costs, and by making the production and sale system more efficient. Problem is, each bourgeois is surrounded by many, MANY other bourgeois. And remember what I’ve said about Imperialism - that now we have capitalistic superpowers that are inextricably linked to the States they reside in? That means that now we have a situation where multiple capitalistic countries are at a competition with each other. Not only that, but countries tend to develop at different “speeds” than each other. Just look at China in recent times - it recently went (and is still going) under an industrial revolution and growing like The Shit. Which means that now that China is getting more powerful, they want a bigger slice of the giant cake that is the global market.

Of course, all the other capitalistic powers disagree, because they want to stay in power and have the biggest share of profits. Which means that they all compete each other, through peaceful means… or, if necessary, through war. And there are no “human values” or “empathy” or “pacifism” that can stop this. Because remember: the basis of capitalism is not making sure that the needs of all human beings are satisfied, and that therefore we can all live in harmony and peace.

The basis of capitalism is profit. At all costs. Including destroying opponent’s means of production, if that’s more convenient than peaceful options. And yes, “means of production” includes human workers. Think I’m joking? Just look at human history from the 20th century onwards. That’s when Imperialism truly took hold on a good chunk of the planet, and that’s when wars became bloodier and with more civilians killed than soldiers. Fucking dwell on that.

[yellowfeaverpainting]

religious influence

Religious influence in utah

Is the religious influence within utah a good thing? I have lived in Utah my whole life and was once a member of the predominant religion in Utah, The church of Jesus christ of latter day saints. I was raised in this religion and so were many of my friends. I remember not being able to play with my friends on Sundays, and always being at church every sunday. When I got a little older I wasn't allowed to drink coffee or dress a certain way. I was told specific guidelines to follow on dates. I was terrified to screw up or question anything. I remember when i would question the guidelines i was told to follow I would immediately get accusing looks, like I was doing something wrong, like I wasn't supposed to be asking questions. I never had a problem with these rules until they started to control who I was becoming. I wondered if this dominant influence in my life was really for the betterment of my life or was it just another social trap, another mold that my community was trying to stuff me into. I eventually left the religion when I began to wonder if this religious influence was really a good thing.

In 1847, Brigham Young led a company of Mormon pioneers into the Salt Lake Valley and said, “This is the place.” From that day on the area that would eventually become the state of Utah was established. Young at the time was also the leader of the LDS religion and had led that company of pioneers across the west in search of freedom from religious persecution. After being run out of other states the pioneers decided to look for and create their own settlement, which would eventually become modern day Utah. 

At the time of the pioneer arrival into the Salt Lake valley, the LDS religion had been established for around 25 years and was still establishing rules and guidelines for its members. Some of those rules included avoiding tobacco and alcohol use as well as avoiding coffee and tea. Some beliefs continue to this day while others (i.e. plural marriage) were abandoned as they were a source of contention with the federal government. As these rules and beliefs were developed and established it begs the question, why? Why not allow the consumption of coffee or tea? Tobacco and alcohol use is understandable given the health risks associated with their use but, coffee? It doesn't have the same health risks that smoking tobacco does nor does it come with the social taboo that plural marriage has. Plus, it wasn’t until the religion had been established for years that these specific rules came about. 

Most rules within the LDS religion have been constant such as avoiding sexual relations outside of marriage or avoiding tobacco and alcohol while others have changed with the times such as allowing African American’s to hold the priesthood. These rules influence and dictate how the members are to make decisions and, in some ways, dictate how they live their lives. But is this type of extreme influence good in a person's life. Does it not take away their independence, their individuality, and their agency? All qualities the church encourages but sometimes appears to do its best to influence. 

Why do people need religion in the first place? Why has religion always played a part in influencing people's decisions throughout history. There are as many different theories regarding why humans developed religion as there are religions. There is no definite answer, however. One theory is that religion is to enhance self-control. Another theory would be that religion was created to enhance a sense of cooperation. Another theory being explored by psychologists suggests the religion may be a byproduct of trying to find order in chaos. Humans anthropomorphized their environment to believe the world around them was created for their use; to answer the questions they have about the world around them. 

Religion has always had a hand in defining people's opinions. Religion is a moral compass that points its members in what is believed to be the right direction. The LDS religion specifically gives guidelines for its members to follow such what they can and cannot drink, wear, or say. The belief that one should not partake of tobacco or alcohol has already been discussed but another one of those guidelines is to “not partake of drugs”. In 2018 Utah was in the process of passing a law that legalized the medical use of marijuana. Many people were thrilled about the law as it would bring much needed relief to those diagnosed with seizures, PTSD, cancer and other medical issues. Soon after this law was proposed, the LDS church sent out an email to its members to vote no on Proposition 2. The church did go on to explain in their email that the reason they didn’t support the proposition was because it would open the door for more recreational use in the future. Even though this appeared to be a valid concern, the question must 

be asked was it necessarily appropriate for the church to address the issue before the vote had taken place. They were attempting to influence their members to vote a certain way that coincided with the church's viewpoint. 

Back in 2013, Utah legalized same-sex marriage. The LDS church has consistently made their views known time and time again. They believe marriage should be between a man and a woman and the members are encouraged to follow this rule. However, while the church opposes to same sex marriage and homosexuality, they still welcome everyone with open arms. The problem is that these conflicting views, create a state of tension not only outside the church with the LGBTQ community but also within the church among its members some of whom are part of the LGBTQ community. On the one hand, the church advocates acceptance and Christ-like love toward all people while at the same time these members are being told that their way of life is wrong or who they choose to love is wrong. It promotes its members within the church to disapprove of other’s choices. 

In 2015 the Church came out with a statement that that children of same-sex couples could not be baptized members of their church until the age of 18 for fear of creating tension within the home. Once again, an example of a religion making choices for you and you are given the choice to follow them or leave. Recently the church has had to rescind this policy because of the outcry it caused. In many ways it was a hypocritical statement. The church prides itself on being open to everyone but then creates a policy that specifically excludes a certain group of people. 

Overall, it has to be up to the individual to determine if the influence of religion in his or her life is worth the price that comes from said influence. Is it ok to have one religion have so much influence on a state’s or even a nation’s policies? Regardless of whether that religion espouses Christianity, Islam, Buddhism, or Judaism, is it worth the sacrifice of certain individual freedoms in order to remain in the majority? The framers of the constitution believed that there should be a separation of church and state. In other words, the state or nation should not allow one religion to dominate and effectively become a state sponsored religion. All religions should be accepted as long as they do not infringe on the rights of others. But therein lies the irony. In order to be accepted by one religion, the rights of other religions, by definition, must be infringed upon. Perhaps it would be better to not have any religion and simply worship as individuals, at least until the professed acceptance and tolerance espoused by most religions are, in fact, put into practice on a regular basis. Again, it must be up to the individual to determine what is acceptable, but as a society we must decide how much influence religion has in our government and the policies it mandates.