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jedisupernova · 4 months ago

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reuniting with seong gihun

notes minors dni contains fem aged up reader (same age is gihun), always written with plus size reader in mind as i am myself but truly anyone can read, takes place in the midst of his pursuit of finding the salesman, ANGST (self deprecation, selfishness, mentions of hardships, death, failed relationships, suppressed emotions, mentions of infertility, includes arguments; this does not have a happy ending), dynamic between reader and gihun is childhood friends who reconnect in later adulthood, some made up lore to build said dynamic, mentions of nightmares, violence, smoking, sickness, slow burn maybe? i'm trying something new, and smut (mutual masturbation) after trusting someone for the first time in a long time mends part of his soul, but for how long, and at what cost?

requested? no, this is an original idea! i can't be normal about anything and how underrated he is in his own show is diabolical. anyway this one is long. please request something if you'd like or stop by the ask box or dms to say hello! i love a man with big brown eyes whose real good at looking sad. enjoy!

you always looked forward to every other saturday because it meant you had the day off. you took this time to sleep in before heading to nearby markets for your weekly grocery run. it was right after lunch time that you were perusing coriander so fresh you could still see water droplets on its leaves. just before you were to ask the older woman who ran the stand for the price, a familiar face swept past your peripheral vision.

you looked over your shoulder, seeing a man dressed in an unzipped jacket and talking rather quickly into his phone. he looked around the street corner like he was lost, a passing car letting you hear only fragments of what he was saying: "—station? which one?" you were about to return to your business when he faced in the direction of your gaze entirely. you hadn't seen that face in years . . .

he hung up the call, now typing with fervour. without thinking, you started walking: "gihun? seong gihun?" your voice was soft, approaching him with an air of caution you couldn't explain. he looked up, face tense with something beyond stress. "yes?" "it's me." you said your name. "we—we went to grade school together? my ... my parents owned a shop just down the street from your mother's." why did every syllable feel more embarrassing than the last, and why did your voice get quieter with every word? you were certain that you were looking at the gihun you grew up with—who could forget those distinctly emotive brown eyes, or those ears that stuck out and were made fodder for incessant teasing from your classmates? but gihun's expression didn't move an inch, his eyebrows knitted together in the slightest of confusion. but it was merely momentary, because when you were uttering apologies, his eyes widened with belated realization. "yes," he thought aloud, his tone was still oddly serious. "i taught you how to tie your shoes."

your expression blossomed into utter elation, lips separated in shock. he so casually swept the dust off of a shelf of memories you forgot even existed, making you mentally regress to that afternoon during p.e. who knows how many years ago. "y-yes!" you nodded. "i wore velcro shoes until i was eleven!" another memory came to the forefront: "we used to trade cassettes during lunch! we argued so much over the british ones. who was it again? david bowie and—" "—duran duran." said gihun. "duran duran!" you repeated, beaming. "oh my ... when was the last time i listened to them." you pondered aloud.

warmth crept onto your cheeks, a smile tugging at the corners of your mouth: "i remember you and sangwoo styling your hair like theirs." a breath left his lips, chest tightening, his eyes betraying him as they quivered in abrupt grief. "you wore so much hair gel it blinded me in study hall. i wonder where sangwoo is now. i haven't heard much since he graduated from snu. are you still friends today?"

your question was objectively harmless. there was absolutely no way for you to have the faintest clue of the atrocities gihun's been forced to witness; the painful guilt he carries; the nightmares that carve the abysses underneath his eyes; the debilitating anxiety that fills his head with endless noise even in the eerie quiet of his deserted motel. he nods, forcing a tight, small grin. "we did stay friends." he says bravely, his eyes looking more familiar than ever.

the genuine smile you give in return was added to his self-anointed list of reasons why, at the end of his life, he would not die a peaceful death. it was another thing he would laboriously mewl over in the afterlife, looking up at the rest of the world, shackled to the deepest, darkest pits of eternal regret.

"that's good to hear." you say. "how're you doing, hm? you've cleaned up well from when we were in our twenties." you quipped playfully. through the scattered shells of his soul littered throughout his body, his innocent self was still somewhere in there, because he subconsciously looked for an out to ease his internal tension, letting out a chuckle at your remark. those vibrations in his chest felt foreign after these past two years, but that murky remnant of his past self welcomed the change, no matter how minute it was. "i've been better." he responded.

"yeah?" you asked. "if it makes you feel better, i'm glad i ran late today. because i got to see an old friend after a long time." gihun glanced at either of your hands—no ring. "have you met anyone?" he asked. you nodded, understanding what he meant. "i did." you say. "he left me when the doctor told us i couldn't carry." your eyes widened, unsure of why you were suddenly so honest. "i don't know why i just—" "i'm so sorry." gihun cut you off. his hardened expression turned shocked, even appalled. you recouped, wanting to look past this: "it's okay." you shake your head, metaphorically dodging the memories of your marriage counselor telling you to not 'to deny your own personal wounds as it'll seep into the companionship.' "it was a long time ago, gihun. how about you? did you meet someone?" he nodded, sympathy glistening across his retinas. "we separated shortly after our daughter was born."

"seong gihun, a father?" you grinned. "anything's possible." the ringing of his phone diverted both his and yours attention away. "i'm sorry for keeping you. you looked like you were in the middle of something—" "no, no. it's fine," gihun shook his head. "here, give me your number. i'll call you." he didn't know why he did it. he failed to stop himself declining the phone call from the loan shark he hired to head the search for the salesman, let alone handing you his phone to type your number in. was the impulsiveness of his past self also crystallized, emerging at this very moment? his discreet vow to blend into the shadows seemed to have crumbled in these past five minutes, giving in to his complex feelings: your sweet demeanor made him feel like a normal human being, and he wanted more of it. for the first time in a long time, seeing someone from his past didn't end in complete anguish. or perhaps it was the gleam of sadness that washed over your eyes as you spoke of your ex-husband, inflating his subconscious savior complex. even so, after you exchanged polite goodbyes, walking off in different directions, he mentally kicked himself for compromising your safety concurrent with unabashed intention of calling you that very evening. through any stage of his life, through the gambling and the scheming, it seemed selfishness remained his kryptonite.

for you, it was a hell of a lot to take in. at some point, it felt as if a prank was being played on you. it was one thing to offer sincere condolences for his late mother, or be sorry that his daughter lived so far away. but ... children's games that ended in murder? masked guards with triangles, circles, and squares hiding their faces? a handsome, well-groomed man that tenderized his face over a game of ddakji, in the middle of a train station? sure, you would miss a lot of someone's life after not seeing them for nearly three decades. but ... but this? it was properly outlandish. crazy, even. but over that hushed dinner, sat in a corner booth, the scent of sizzling samgyeopsal on the grill increasingly nauseating, it was too detailed to be a lie. he pleaded nonverbally for you to believe him—through the desperate glossiness of his eyes. you affirmed your belief in the same wordless manner, visibly nodding. you almost threw up when he handed you a business card, the three aforementioned shapes on one side, a random assortment of numbers on the back.

gihun brought you to his motel that same night, barren and lifeless besides white noise of the warm-toned, aged ambient lighting on the first floor and the tinkering of various ceiling fans with rusted hinges. you took in the six monitors mounted on the wall in front of his bed, equipped with live block-to-block security camera footage of his immediate surroundings, the metro transit map tabbed meticulously, and the calendar with past dates crossed out in thick red marker, pages of months previous mixed with takeout containers lodged in the corner trash bin. you quietly followed him upstairs, seeing his hidden stash of weaponry as he explained his recruitment of underground crime groups he's known since his gambling days. you didn't utter a word, not even when you lastly saw the mountain of cash stacked on a random bed in a random room. it stared at you as you did it—blankly.

he broke the silence. "this is where i've been these last three years." he said. he turned to look at you. "i ... i understand that it's a lot." his voice grew quieter. he swallowed, feeling shame brewing in his chest. "i just—i just felt like telling you. i don't know why. i understand if you don't want to know me—" "—i want to help." you said. his eyes widened. "what?" "i want to help you, gihun." you looked at him. he was bewildered. he shook his head, dumbfounded. "no, i think you misunderstood—" "—i did?" you cut him off. "you brought me here because i believe your story, didn't you? what did you expect then, exactly? for me to take my conviction away, like you say those masked soldiers did to those people who didn't stand still enough, or broke their dalgona? you tell me all of these crazy stories, your pain is so visceral that it makes me nauseous with guilt, and you want me to walk away? huh? what is it, then? what did you want!?" you hadn't anticipated your voice to rise, but were yelling by the end, your irritation stuffing the room.

he took your verbal berating silently, avoiding eye contact and shoulders lowering. "i don't ..." his voice trailed. "i don't want you to get hurt." "you gave up the right to protect me when you gave the impression sangwoo was still alive." you spoke firmly, voice now leveled. a breath of defeat slipped through his teeth. "you should've never called me." you said. "you should've done what everyone does: offer to get lunch to be polite, but never actually do anything. you shouldn't've called. i shouldn't've answered. i shouldn't've have shown up tonight, and i should've walked away the moment you started talking. you've given me no choice but to stay."

the silence was deafening. he looked up upon hearing the skid of your shoes against the floor, coming face to face with your softened expression. it was strangely disarming, feeling goosebumps travel up his spine."you were rid of me for thirty years. it's only right we make up for lost time." you said. his gaze didn't falter. it was his turn to affirm his belief of your wordless plea. he nodded, "okay."

you stopped by the motel in the early morning before work, listening to him comb through whatever new strategy he was going to run by his men that day ("what do you think? does this sound efficient?") and in exchange for making you miss your train, he drove you to work before parking at his usual spot. his guilt of bringing you into all of this felt stronger some days than others, showing in your not hearing from him for a couple days at a time. until you squashed that like a bug, dialing him in the middle of your lunch break: "... hello?" "why haven't you called me?" "i ... i've been busy." "you don't have time for a one minute phone call? thirty seconds?" "no, no. that's not what i meant—" "—i'm coming to the motel tonight."

and like clockwork, at nine pm, you showed up on the security camera. his phone vibrated: I am outside. when he unlocked the door, you walked past him without uttering a word, b-lining to his room. he did not immediately follow, purposefully hovering at the entrance after locking it back up securely. he walked with a lowered head, peering into the doorway some moments later. he was taken aback by the sight of you unloading your tote bag, nose tickled with the scent of freshly brewed stew, steaming rice, and side dishes. "i've brought tupperware. you're not eating takeout anymore." you don't look at him, hanging your bag on the back of a chair after fishing out utensils, sitting down with a small huff.

you looked at him. "are you not joining me?" gihun walked into the room, but fell short of sitting down at the table. "how long ... how long have you been cooking?" he felt stupid for asking the question, but the gesture left his mind blank. he felt atomically undeserving. "i got off work early." you responded curtly, plating your food. gihun didn't say anything, making you look up at him again. "it's going to get cold, gihun." your softened tone gave you what you wanted, watching him sit down across from you with muted satisfaction. you ate together in silence, nothing but the gentle clattering of plates and a quiet "thank you" when passing dishes rivaling the white noise of the air conditioning.

"from now on," you started, bringing your bowl to your lips, finishing off the last of your serving of stew. "you will update me everyday. i will bring food for us. if you forget about me, i will haunt you in the afterlife." "understood." he muttered, avoiding eye contact, pretending to look for a piece of meat in his stew, ignoring the one showing itself plainly on the left side of his bowl. his bottom lip quivered; he tightened his mouth. his arms started feeling weak; he inhaled sharply through his nose, tapping his foot under the table. but then a ragged breath rattled out of his diaphragm, his shoulders shuddered, and his vision went blurry; he was a goner. he sobbed into his hand. it sounded a lot like a coughing fit, so you initially thought the food hadn't gone down smoothly. but his defeated, muffled mewls into his palm and sunken shoulders said otherwise, sending you to your feet.

gihun instinctually turned towards the feeling of your hand on his shoulder, crying into your stomach. his hands pulled at your jacket, making you stumble, but you caught yourself. "f-forgive me, please. i won't be able to live with myself. i haven't been able live with myself for a long time." you looked down at the top of his head, unsure of what to do. you brushed his hair back with your fingers—not sure if it was crossing a boundary, but it felt wrong to just stand there—he only cried harder, arms wrapping around your waist, holding you so tightly as if you were a lifeline. "you—you make me feel normal." he said, breathing in short gasps. "after all the sins i've committed, you've—you've shown me atonement is possible." he lifts his head, eyes reddened, cheeks wet. the imagery of the moment was almost religious; if you listened closely, a distant artist began hammering at a marble slab. "b-but i'm not deserving of mercy." he shook his head, his hands coming together, visibly pleading. "leave me. i've hurt too many people. i can't hurt you next."

you wiped his tears. "you already hurt me when you didn't call." you said. "you already hurt me when you pretended sangwoo was alive and well." you reminded gihun, his head sinking in shame. your hand traced his jaw, lifting his head to look up at you. "you don't get to hurt me again by acting like you're alone in this." your voice faltered to a whisper. gihun's fingers ghosted over your wrist. "listen to me—" "—no, you listen to me." you cleared your throat. "we met that saturday for a reason. you let me in tonight for a reason. we're sharing a meal for a reason. stop lying to yourself." you said. "i can handle myself. i've been through a lot. i don't know how many sins you've committed, but even the devil gets a second chance. you should know, you've looked down the barrel of his gun."

gihun tsked. "save your prayers, gihun. just let me have the peace of knowing i'm helping a friend." he sucked in a shaky breath, sinking his face into his hands. "what have i done?" he whispered. "no one deserves to be alone as long as we both have." you retort. silence fills the room, making way for the words to settle into his psyche. goosebumps arise along his spine at the return of your fingers brushing his hair back. you take a step forward, his forehead brushing against the same place he wept on seconds before. "the least i could do is stay," you spoke quietly as if someone would overhear, even if you two were alone. "even if it's for a little while." as embarrassing and hypocritical as it felt to him, gihun gradually wrapped his arms around your waist. his touch hovered, however, only for you to pull him in, letting him know it was okay.

he got the message. his eyes closed, a long breath escaping his lips. you would've missed what he said if you weren't listening closely: "please do." he said, voice low, tone weakened. "please stay the night. there's—there's a room close to mine. down the hall." "i will." you assure without hesitation."what're friends for, hm?" you grinned. gihun let go. "i'll go—" he cleared his throat, voice gravely. "i'll go wash my face." he gestured to the bathroom behind you, rising from his seat. you returned to yours, "when you come back, have more food. you look sunken in." "i will." he muttered.

gihun closed the sliding door, inhaling through his nostrils, wiping a rogue tear with his knuckles. before he turned on the water, he looked over his shoulder, peering through the translucent palm tree imprint adorning the bathroom door. he caught a glimpse of you re-plating his food, leaned over the table, carefully pouring more stew; a hefty pile of rice on his plate; the side dishes pushed towards his seat. his bottom lip quivered, quickly looking away and tugging the right knob, the faucet pouring. the water ran and ran, but his eyes were stuck on his reflection in the mirror. he felt nauseated by the sight of his glossy eyes, deepened frown lines, and pathetic expression: worthless, contradictory, complacent.

seeing himself felt revolting. not even a mother could love this face after all i've done. he thought to himself. how would he know? he found his mother lifeless on the floor when he came home, eternally impairing her with the gripping chokehold of disappointment routinely tightened by her deadbeat son throughout the last years of her life. what would she think of her son now, a secluded loner who lives off of blood money, whom watched his best friend die right before his eyes, hired criminals to do his bidding to further involve himself in a fight that feels too big, and on top of all that has looped in an innocent woman into all of this? and for what, comfort? a semblance of peace? gihun splashed his face haphazardly, drying off with a towel hastily. he turned the faucet off, staring at himself again: "own the consequence." he whispered to himself. "it's all your fault."

you stayed at the motel even if it was against your better judgment, such as having work earlier than usual. gihun stirred awake at the rustling outside of his closed and locked door, reaching over and squinting at his phone screen: 5:37 AM. his senses clouded by exhaustion, he didn't realize just how quickly he recognized your footsteps, climbing out of bed without a second thought. his voice startled you, even if it was quiet: "what're you doing up so early?" he asked. "you don't have work for almost three hours." "i go in earlier today," you weren't sure why you were whispering anymore. "and i forgot something at home. i'm sorry for waking you up, gihun. go back to bed." he left the doorway, coming back with his jacket and shoes on, keys in his pocket. "let's go. i'll take you home, then to work." "no!" you protested, shaking your head and waving your hand. "i've caused enough trouble waking you up." "i'm already here," he said, taking your purse and carrying it in his right hand, his left gently ushering you alongside him. "let's go. you'll be late."

you shared cigarettes after dinner, the emptied tupperware long forgotten on the small table some feet away. you blew the smoke out the window, watching it disappear into the night. the click of gihun's lighter caught your attention, gaze lingering whilst he inhaled. you smirked to yourself: "i kicked this habit right before i started trying for a family." you said, bringing the cigarette between your lips. "i guess you're as bad an influence you say to be." you quipped, exhaling. "high school gihun would ask if he looked cool doing it." he muttered, holding his between his lips, putting the lighter back in his pocket. "he would. and i'd tell him he does." you affirmed with a nod, flicking ash into the tray lining the windowsill. "he would also ask for you to not tell his mom, even though he stole those cigarettes from her shop. then, two days later, he'd ask you for one." you chuckled, leaning towards the window and blowing. gihun shook his head, "what an annoying kid." "funny." you corrected him. "you were funny. aware, but also clueless. caring, too."

"i was shameless." he murmured lowly, blowing his smoke. you tsked un-approvingly, "stop being so brooding. now that's annoying." he looked at you as if you detested his entire family lineage, eyes widened in an expression fit for schoolyard bickering. "i'm not being annoying, i'm being real! hey—" he said, pointing his cigarette at you. "you're the one being annoying, just going against whatever i say! you've been doing this so much lately! on wednesday, when i offered to buy dinner because you've been working so late these days, and you said to me 'hey gihun, i have fifteen more years until i'm eligible for elderly welfare. i can cook just fine.' you could've just said either yes or no!" he waved his hand to accentuate his point, continuing: "and last week when you told me five times to stop wearing the same three shirts on rotation, and i told you i have more than that but there's no need because i sit in a car all day, and you said 'you're more dedicated to an outfit than the president is to the oath of office.' where do you even get this stuff?" he questioned, bewildered, pointing his cig to his temple. you nearly drew blood from your lip from attempting to contain your laughter. "and i wasn't stealing from my mom when i was that young! at least be honest about that." hearing him accentuate his vowels in the midst of his frustrated rant—a habit he's seemingly had his entire life—made your face feel warmer than before, a wide smile appearing whilst laughter finally rang out of you; you'd unpack the former later.

"okay, okay." you nodded, your free hand coming to rest on his arm as a way of both giving in and telling him to calm down. "was it my mom you stole from, then?" you joked, unable to hold your laughter at the look on his face. "you can tell me, gihun. i'm sure the statute of limitations is up by now for theft." "you're impossible." he muttered, shaking his head, bringing his cigarette to his lips. "hey. hey," you said, arm traveling up to his bicep, "i'm just kidding. i know you didn't steal." he stayed silent until he couldn't. "jungbae used to take his father's cigarettes. that's what i smoked." "okay, okay. i believe you, no need to be emotional." you said that on purpose, an upside down grin molding your face at his expression, suppressed laughter clouding your lungs. "how am i emotional for just telling the truth! hey, you can't just lay the bait and expect me not to take it!" "are you really this unable to take a joke?" you questioned. "wow, gihun. you take our role as elders more seriously than anyone our age." you remarked with faux indignity, hiding your grin behind your hand, inhaling. "impossible." he muttered to himself, turning away from you to face the window. your hand fell to your side, glancing at his cigarette between his lips before gazing out the window yourself.

silence washed over the room. after a few minutes, you put out your cigarette in the ash tray. you cleared your throat, crossing your arms over your chest. "i know it's hard, but lighten up." you began. "we just had a good meal. our shit will pass smoothly in the morning." gihun turned his head, looking at you with those routinely emotive brown eyes, too capacious for his own good, gaping at you. you thought you knew what he was going to say, but he scoffed, looking back out the window, a hint of a chuckle leaving his diaphragm, a ghost of a smile on his face. "poop jokes? at our age?" he shook his head, inhaling. upon his exhale, he struck gold: "you're so full of shit." both of you turned to each other with widened eyes, an open smile of surprise on your face: "a pun!" you called out, pointing at his chest. "you just said a pun!" "i'm not inept." he said. "of course not." you agreed. "just stubborn." you grinned, hearing him scoff.

"you may not be the seong gihun i remember entirely," you said, watching him extinguish his cigarette. "but you're certainly a seong gihun that'll be hard to forget." your words weigh unexpectedly heavily, suddenly bringing up the inevitable next step when gihun confronts the salesman. it's long been established as you two have talked about it before, albeit more hesitantly these days, even if it didn't start that way. in the beginning, it was treated with zero sugarcoating; basic fact; common sense—he's going back in there and no one can stop him. however, over these last few months, it's not as if the end goal has changed, but its honest, unforgiving nature has become increasingly visceral. it lingers in the air like an unwanted draft, but you're scared shitless to get up to close the window, fearing something bad might happen if you leave your bed. it was overtly irrational, a perfect concoction of contradiction and avoidance; even at your big age. it made you feel sixteen again, narrowly evading your crush in the busy school corridor, but stealing every possible glance during your shared class. wait . . . hold on . . . did you just use the word . . .

"i don't plan on forgetting you." gihun cut your inner monologue off. you were taken aback. his gaze is unrelenting, even if his eyes give away his own surprise at his words. your mouth moved, but no sound followed. your mind was completely and utterly blank. gihun felt it too, considering you always had something to say at any given time. that's how you made your way back into his life; upended his routine; granted him a better sleeping schedule; made a technicolor life seem possible again; filled his aura with something other than regret and disdain. his life felt—even if it was only momentary—not like it was unfolding to the beat of a ticking metronome, but in peaceful silence, like now. there was no room for hurtful memories, intrusively incessant conflicting feelings born out of his festering trauma, or the hefty responsibility to avenge those lost that he attributes to his own faults. there was room for only you. you.

gihun turned away, flustered. he suddenly wished he never put his cigarette out, yearning for the scent of nicotine to distract him from the discomfort he felt now—a feeling he was sure you shared, too. "i'm sorry." he muttered, so quiet it nearly blended in with the noise of the air conditioning kicking in. you stepped forward, locking your arm with his. he turned his head, glancing at you when you laid your temple against his bicep. he feels one of your hands gingerly rub his arm, saying something neither of you had the guts to verbally. his posture was stiff, unsure of what to do, but he didn't think for an iota of a second to step away or nudge you off. he felt something inside him begin to thaw, or maybe it slowly had been this entire time. "tonight is the first time i've heard you laugh since we met again." you spoke. your tone was so hushed it made gihun feel as if you were the last two people on all of earth. you two stood in silence, looking out the same window; listening to the distant cares drive by; the meow of a stray cat; the air conditioning shutting off. too afraid to move his gaze—and frightened by how hot his face felt—gihun slowly pulled his hand out of his pocket, slipping it into yours. it took him a moment to mount the courage to intertwine your fingers, and another to lay his temple against the top of your head.

something shifted after that night. how could it not? your apartment collected dust with how you practically lived at the motel, other than to cook. gihun awoke before you did on days you had work earlier, intentionally setting this alarm no matter the time he fell asleep the night before. you stayed in his car a little longer than usual when he dropped you off, really pushing that five minute grace period you have to clock in on time, even if those extra few minutes were spent in flustered silence or repeatedly glancing at how close your hands were on the center console. every time you felt your phone vibrate in your pocket, you hoped it was him; elated if it was indeed his name in your messages, and an eye roll if it was an email or the news. gihun found himself sitting up in his seat when your text came through midday (Going on lunch in 15 min), uncomfortably tugging at the collar of his shirt. he cleared his throat when you sent your usual follow up (Free now), staring at the call button next to your contact name. what am i going to say? he thought to himself, only to realize how ridiculous he sounded. gihun pressed the button hastily, bringing the phone to his ear with an irritated huff. since when did i become sixteen again?

on the evenings where you're running late for dinner, gihun is in your room at the motel, tidying it. he didn't want to face the fact that he lingered in your space because it was precisely that: yours—or in more truthful words, he just really missed you. it was where your energy remained a constant, even through the poorly-lit space and stuffy air. it felt irrational to miss someone he would see in a matter of hours, but he could not help it. he distracted himself with fixing the folded corner of the thin duvet; smoothening a stubborn wrinkle on a pillow case; replacing a faulty lightbulb; cracking the window open just enough if it was particularly humid that day. if you still hadn't arrived afterward, gihun sat on the edge of your finely made bed, waiting idly. he sped down the hall upon reading I'm outside, hushing your flurry of apologies with a gentle "it's okay. i only just came home, too."

gihun was no stranger to nightmares. he had them often, tossing and turning in bed, waking up in a cold sweat or with a prolonged headache that followed him into the day. over time, he got better at lulling himself back to sleep, harnessing the mantra of it's not real as best he could. but one night . . . it was too tangible, tactile, even. filled with villains of his past, ghosts of mistakes, ominous reminders of the uncertain future. he knew he was in a dream, but his subconscious was at war with his conscious efforts to wake up—throwing him in a very frightening limbo. he awoke with a sharp gasp, his body riddled with sweat and coughing abhorrently, throat heinously dry. this was the most severe dream he's had in a while. gihun tried to ground himself by whatever means his mangled mind could think of: steadying his breath, feeling the fraying blanket with his fingertips, trying to remember that mantra ... but his senses felt electrified, the visceral fear of the nightmare still fresh.

his eyes shot open when he heard a knock at his door. he stilled, unsure whether he'd imagined it. some of his rationale had returned, but not entirely, because when there was another knock, he quickly got out of bed, grabbing the gun on his nightside table. that dream really must have done a number on him, because he didn't look at his monitors and moved based on assumption—halting upon hearing "gihun?" your voice laced with concern yet gentle, ear pressed against the door. you knocked again. "gihun? are you awake?" you asked. "is everything okay in there?" his shoulders sunk in relief. have i lost my mind? he thought to himself. he put the gun back, momentarily deferring his disgust over his rash actions, cracking open the door.

he swallowed, hiding his grimace at his still aching throat with a quick swipe of his forehead. "good evening." he said rather monotone, trying to mask as light-spirited but executing it meekly. "i'm okay. i had a bad dream." "i heard you—" you gestured down the hall. "i heard you from my room, gihun. you sounded like you were in pain. i was worried that, that—" "—i'm fine." he nodded, trying to assure you. before you rebutted, he asked "what time is it?" whilst rubbing his eyes. "two in the morning." you answered hurriedly. "look, gihun. you're drenched in sweat and you're breathing so hard. i know this wasn't some ordinary dream." you say. "was it ... was it about them? the men in masks, the games?" gihun's hesitant pause was your answer. "i'm okay." he said again. "i'm sorry for waking you up. go back to bed." you tsked. "still so stubborn, even when he's sleepy." you eyed him, seeing his glistening face. "okay," you gave in. "i'm down the hall if you need me." a pause. "you're not alone in this." you reminded him, walking away and returning to your room. his gaze lingered in your general direction for a moment before closing his door.

he tried to fall asleep, but found himself stuck, only able to stare at the ceiling. gihun's mind ran a million miles an hour, feeling short of breath if he focused on that for more than ten seconds. he looked at his phone for the fifth time in three minutes: 2:47 AM. sleep felt nowhere in sight. his sweat had mostly subsided, heartbeat leveled, but his mind remained riddled. if he closed his eyes, they would open right back up. your proposition played in his head like a broken record, but like anyone his age, his pride stood in the way. it's not only that he didn't want to seem weak or have an insecure grip on self-sufficiency, but also seeking comfort still felt foreign to him. it was another symptom of circumstance, both of the past three years and the last four months. gihun felt undeserving, foolish for pursuing such a thing when he's so close to throwing himself back into a world running on nothing but adrenaline and fear.

gihun laid on his left side with a stern huff, closing his eyes, trying so desperately to feel that lilting tug of sleep, even if he had to pretend. he did all of this to protect you and himself. to protect the inevitable, to crystallize his oath of taking down those bastards once and for all. but when he looked at his phone, seeing it was now 3:16 AM, he suddenly felt thirty-five again: coming home horrendously late after another taxing day at the factory, muscles weak and his will even more so. his wife wasn't home, having been at her relative's house the past few days after an argument they had. he laid atop the bed the best his sore muscles allowed; he hadn't enough strength to shower or even feed himself. he got up less than four hours later, freshening up as best he could in an eerily silent house, ignoring the grumble of his stomach as he boarded the public bus.

it was one of his loneliest moments. he didn't know why he thought of that specifically, considering the divorce, custody battle, and moving back in with his mother was a different low point entirely. his eyes opened to the darkness. the silence felt similar, the shame even more so . . . gihun got up, taking his pillow and blanket with him. he knocked twice, pressing his ear against the door, only for it to creak open. it must have been left open. he stepped inside, closing and locking it behind him. the layout of your room was the same as his, so he had no problem navigating the dark room. he quickly laid his pillow on the floor next to your bed, closing his eyes after unfolding his blanket. you were awake, overhearing his shuffling into the room. "gihun?" he gasped: "you scared me." he whispered back, hand on his chest. "why are you on the floor?" you asked. silence lingered. "i wasn't—i wasn't sure if it would be okay." "get on the bed, gihun." unbeknownst to him, you were awake for the past hour and some change waiting; having moved purposefully to lay on one side of the bed.

your face felt warm, eyes squeezing shut and nestling into your pillow when you felt the weight of the bed dip behind you. even though your backs faced each other, you thanked the universe that no lights were on in the room. gihun laid as far on his side of the bed as he could; not enough to warrant worry that he would fall off, but enough to thwart his fastening heartbeat he felt come increasingly close to his throat. or so he thought, because he stuttered with his next words: "you—you left your door open. don't ... don't do that. someone might come in." a beat. "you did." was all you said. barely ten minutes later, both of you succumbed to the white nose of the air vent, gihun's quiet snores and your steady breaths filling the room.

a week later, you walked into your apartment, setting bags of fresh groceries down on the kitchen counter. you heard your text tone go off in the midst of searching your cabinets for the usual pots and pans you used to cook—a piercing rattle reverberating through the immediate space when you dropped a small pot onto the stove, reading the text from gihun: 1 do not come. you stared at the text in horror, inner monologue clustered and borderline indecipherable—did he find him? how? when—yesterday it was another dead end—and lunch was smooth, too—how could have things changed so quickly? where is he—do not come? is he at there, at the motel? he sent this seven minutes—did he confront him there? how did he even find him there? how did he even— how did he even get inside? your eyes flickered back to the 1—a code you two established the night you took your wordless oath to help him in his endeavor ("it's quick to type. the 'one' we're looking for, the 'one' chance we have.") gihun sent the other three words to deter your stubbornness under the glimmer of the neon pink motel sign he didn't turn on himself, further punctuating the sentiment of imminent danger.

"how ... how long do i wait for?" you whispered to yourself. you paced back and forth, gnawing at whatever skin was left on your lips, moving to your nails after they felt raw. you didn't process your stomach rumbling more time went by; another hour passing on the clock, nor did you pay mind to how your loafers continuously pinched the back of your ankles, too occupied to remember to take them off. your phone rang close to midnight. gihun hadn't realized how quickly you picked up his call: "gihun!? what happened? is everything okay? are you okay?" "i'm safe." he said. "i am okay." he let out a breath, hearing yours on your side of the line. he began to explain: "we found him an hour after lunch. we tailed and tried to corner him, but he was too quick. one of my men are dead, and he used to other to find me at the motel." "n-no." you said weakly, shaking your head, horrified. "he was in my room." gihun continued. "he challenged me to a game of russian roulette. i won. he's dead."

you hadn't the faintest clue what that game was. but that did not matter. "d-dead? just—just like that?" your voice was quiet, eyes glossy. "after searching for these three years, he's gone just like that?" these people were so fucking odd. no matter how many times you reeled over the details, anecdotes, of whatever you learned, their ominous nature left you with an uneasy stomach; an urge to look over your shoulder at any given moment. it was consuming you these last six months. you couldn't imagine how it's been for him for the past few years. gihun nodded, despite you not being able to see. "yes." he affirmed. "he gave me what i needed. there's a card with a date and address for a halloween party, i think, since i searched it up and saw its a club. that's where the leader of the games will be. we've started planning what we're going to do—" "—that's—that's two weeks from now." you thought aloud. "yes." said gihun, nodding again. here came the part of the conversation he'd been avoiding: "i need you to ... i need you to stay at your apartment. just for tonight." you were deeply offended. "what? are you crazy?" you retorted, furrowing your eyebrows. "absolutely not. you listen to me, i'm coming—" "—no, listen to me." he cut you off. "it's a mess at the motel. i can't—" he huffed, shoulders sinking a little. "i can't do that to you."

you understood what he meant. "okay." you sounded hurt, but agreeable. you leaned on the kitchen counter, elbow rustling against the grocery bags. "okay." you repeated, running your hand over your face, clearing your throat afterward. you realized this wasn't gihun acting as if he was alone in his endeavor, but asking nonverbally for your belief in him. "i'll stay here. i trust you." "thank you." he responded in a whisper, overcome by a hefty wave of relief. "just for tonight. i promise." he specified once again. "i know." you said. a moment of silence washes over before gihun speaks. "i'll take you to work tomorrow." he said gently. "do you go in at nine?" "seven." you correct. you look over your shoulder, seeing it was nearing one in the morning on the oven clock. "i didn't realize how late it was. i haven't even showered yet." "me neither." he responded, glancing at the time on his car's dashboard. "i'll be at your building at half six. is that okay?" you nodded, despite his not being able to see. "yes, that's okay."

silence washed over the call. "thank you for trusting me." he said. "thank you for trusting me too. goodnight, gihun." "goodnight." he quickly hung up the call, tossing his phone onto the empty passenger's seat. a shaky breath left his lips as his eyes watered, fingers harshly rubbing his closed eyelids. "fuck." he muttered under his breath. when his vision cleared, he turned his head, looking out his car window to your apartment building. he stared and stared, eyes flittering up and down the various floors, trying to spot yours with any hint; a lamp turned off, a curtain closed, anything. some part of him wanted to stay in his spot until he was to pick you up, and another irrationally hoped you'd walk out of the building, like a lovesick teenager who's lost all reason. but eventually, gihun's hand reached for the gear, putting the car in drive, gradually pushing down on the peddle.

those two weeks were a stilled, prolonged goodbye. your face and muscles felt heavy as if you were already in mourning, but your brain remained defiant. he's too stubborn to let those people kill him. you told yourself, pouring creamer into your coffee at work. he's not stupid enough to die. the later half of october rolled out. with each passing day, you slowly lost the strength to cross out the dates on the calendar in his room. gihun would be a fool to not see the growing cynicism that deepened your eye bags, the perpetual frown on your face during dinner, or the avoidance of eye contact. you woke up too easily these days, gihun often hearing your shower head long before your alarm went off. he wasn't sure if you even set an alarm anymore, but it was enough to deduce you weren't getting much sleep. what was once a witty back-and-forth when reviewing the day's plans for his recruits, became a subdued, one-sided conversation where you looked at the whiteboard with an unreadable expression, offering a monotone "sounds good" in the end. as halloween drew closer, your midday texts lessened. gihun reached out—Are you going on lunch soon?—only to come to terms with his hurt upon reading your response: Busy day. I'll see you at dinner. your eyes watered, bottom lip quivering when he texted back: Okay. No problem. you clicked your phone off, turning it face down. you pushed away your half-eaten lunch, losing your appetite. a ragged breath left your diaphragm, tears threatening to leave your waterline. no one else was in the break room, so the consequences of suppressing your emotions thankfully beared no audience. but you felt exposed nonetheless, confronted by the fact that you couldn't bear to lose gihun, but you had no choice.

the motel was eerily silent the night before halloween. the plan was concrete, reviewed ad nauseam over the last couple of weeks. dinner had wrapped a few hours prior, the tupperware packed away in your tote bag hanging on the back of a lounge chair in your room. you didn't dare look at gihun. in fact, your eyes stayed down the entire time, speaking minimally other than to ask to pass a side dish, or offer him more rice. your quivering lips were hidden well behind your utensils, or taking a drink of water. gihun was just as quiet. not passive, but quiet. he didn't muster the courage to say anything. he might not be the most gifted in expressing his emotions, but he was aware enough to read the room and know it wasn't the best time to bring up the inevitable. he knew he couldn't leave you alone. he couldn't, not without saying something.

so there he was, some time past eleven pm, knocking on your door frame. "are you awake?" he asked gently, even if your nightside lamps were on, apparent that you weren't asleep. you peeked over your shoulder. "yes." you answered, returning your temple to your pillow. gihun walked into the room, back facing you as he sat on the edge of your bed. he had enough gall to keep you in his peripheral vision, but fell short of looking at you directly. "what did i tell you about leaving your door open, hm?" he asked, trying to sound sharp, but succumbing to tenderness. "anyone can walk in." "you aren't just anyone, gihun." you said oh so delicately, enough to have him turn his head completely, eyebrows turned up sympathetically. you saw his eyes on you in your periphery, but avoided his gaze, keeping yours on your palm running back and forth along a small spot of the thin duvet.

"i—" gihun reached into his pocket. "i made you a key for the motel." he leaned over to his right, setting it down on your nightside table. "if you ever need anything," he glanced in your direction, the strength to look at you fleeting. "take as much as you want. you know where the room is." you didn't say a word. your palm stilled. his gaze fell to the duvet, too, his hand gliding across the wrinkles. "like i said before," his voice was low. "i don't plan on forgetting you—" "—gihun, stop." you interrupted. "i don't have the strength for this."

silence. he tries again: "i'll come back." he spoke warily. "i'm going to come back." "please." your voice fell to a whisper. "i can't take it." your chin hovered above your chest from the length you went to avoid his eyes. you felt fragile as porcelain, every single utterance of this conversation chipping away at you without remorse. gihun doesn't try again, internally frustrated with how easily he felt defeated. silence wins again, but not for long. he continues tracing the duvet's wrinkles, inching towards to your hand with every swipe. his hand comes closer and closer, until he slows. you watched his fingers gradually hold yours. gihun doesn't apply pressure, but he stays there. he keeps them in his grip when he moves to lay on his side, facing you. "at least look at me." he whispered, pleading. "i can't." you sounded so defeated. his eyes glistened, gripping your fingers properly now. "i can't regret my decision now. not when i'm so close." his eyes shined under the warm-toned light of your lamp. "don't make me regret my decision. please."

your head rose, meeting his eyes. he looked his most familiar: a deep somberness etched in the crevices of his face, his eyes perhaps the most poetic of all. they looked so soft, so gentle; as if a look of malice could never come close to tainting them. he could try his damn hardest, feel the most visceral of anger, but he could never look truly dissatisfied, forever unable to mask his true desire for comfort. for love. a small grin tugged at gihun's lips. "there you are. i missed you." he was barely audible, almost as if he mouthed the words. without thinking, he moved his head onto the pillow, not realising how close you two were until it was too late. it was like a strange instinct, the way he leaned in. he couldn't stop himself; not when the quietest of gasps escaped between your teeth, or his heart thumping so harshly his chest felt it was going to burst, or when his lips hovered admittedly awkwardly above yours. the kiss was light, almost nonexistent, until gihun leaned forward a little more. the tip of his nose brushed past yours, bringing his lips against yours wholly. his nose lightly dipped into your cheek when he kissed you again. before you could show any semblance of reciprocity, gihun abruptly pulled away.

"i'm sorry." he said. "i shouldn't have ... i shouldn't have done that. i'm sorry—" "—it's okay." you shook your head, panicking slightly. you slipped your fingers out of his grip, using them to make him look at you. "come here." you say. he follows, molding his lips with yours once again. the kiss was one of fervor; relocating misplaced frustration into that of palpable yearning; two souls who came together by chance after decades past; an atomic understanding of each other's pain, yet accepting you'll never truly know what's its like to live the other's life; a long-awaited embrace of the unknown, succumbing to the desire—no, the need to be loved.

gihun's lips felt soft, contrasting with his stubble rubbing against your chin and upper lip. it made you pull him closer, his head tilting to the side to deepen the kiss, eyebrows turning upward at the sound of your muffled whimper. your hand left his face, taking his hand and laying his palm atop your clothed breast. he took the hint, kneading it with just the right amount of firmness, but not without moaning lowly into your mouth. his pointer and middle fingers pulled the collar of your sweater down, breaking the kiss mind-numbingly slowly before trailing down to your neck, past your double chin, settling on the faint stretch marks adorning your shoulder. your eyes fluttered closed at the sensation, an encouraging hand in his hair as your chest nearly collided with his, back arched in bliss.

you brought yourself back down to earth, hand reaching past his chest, undoing his belt. you scrambled to undo the button and zipper, escaping into his briefs. gihun let out a guttural moan into your warm skin, embarrassingly (to him) hard in your hand, breathing hard through your slow strokes. "h—h-ha ... h—ngh!" he tried to contain himself by peppering kisses onto your skin, but ended up bucking his hips up into your soft palm. you fastened your pace, fingers wrapped securely around his girthy cock, his precum wetting your hand. gihun shuddered, mouth agape and face burrowed into your clothed chest, fingers limp on your shoulder. you bit your bottom lip as you continued your ministrations, thighs rubbing together for any sort of friction. a whimper rattled out of his diaphragm when you began pumping only his tip. "i'm g-gonna pass out!" he whined. he gasped sharply when he felt something stir in his abdomen. "n-no, no—w-wait!" he suddenly moved, laying his head next to yours on the pillow. "w-wait! s-stop! i'm—" his body reacted before he did. gihun's nose brushed against your cheek, his mewls and grunts making your eyebrows knit together in a fit of awe and sexual drive you hadn't felt in years. hot spurts of cum coated his briefs and your inner wrist. you gradually came to a halt, overhearing his labored breathing.

you leaned in, softly reconnecting your lips. even in his clouded haze, gihun kissed back with intent. his hand found the hem of your pants, leaning closer to you, your free hand holding his cheek, deepening the kiss. you turned your head towards the ceiling with a sharp inhale, effectively breaking the kiss, however, when his fingers dipped between your folds. goosebumps arose on your arms underneath your sleeves, a soft hiss brewing between your teeth. "your hand is cold." you whispered. his nose pushed against your cheek, lips pressing chaste kisses onto your supple skin. "i'm sorry." he said. "i can ... i can stop." "no, it's okay. it's okay." you say breathily, closing your thighs around his wrist. gihun's jaw dropped at the sight."it'll warm up. just—just keep going." you tell him. "fuck!" his voice fought so hard to stay quiet, coming out hoarse.

your eyes were closed, eyebrows furrowed. it was only every few swirls of his finger did a small gasp leave your slightly swollen lips, feeling him come closer to your clit than before. gihun was so fucking close to where you needed him to be, but not quite there. his unintentional teasing concocted the subtle yet apparent slosh of your wetness as your puffy lips encased his middle finger. you arched your back a little, hoping it would slip him into place, but to no avail. you reached for his head, fingers slipping into his hair. "gihun," you swallowed, mouth dry. "a little h-higher." "where? here?" his cock was hardening in your hand again, blurring his logic, trailing kisses up to your temple in his misunderstanding. "your hand, gihun. your f-finger." "right, right." he quickly realized. "i'm sorry."

the pad of his middle finger inched higher. the light of heaven was now in your sight. you opened your legs to allow just enough room for his wrist to fulfill your next request: "a l-little deeper, gihun. a little—f-fuck!" your gasp echoed off the walls. your hand left his hair, coming to cover your mouth, eyes barely open to look down at his hand in your pants. your wetness was blatant, the sticky sound making his cock stiffen and your vision blur. "g-gihun!" you whimpered, feeling him rubbing unrelentingly your sweet bundle of nerves. every swipe tightened the muscles of your inner thighs, toes curling in your socks. "k-keep going! keep going!" you pleaded helplessly, voice stuck at a whisper.

gihun pressed his forehead against your temple, eyes cast below with no intent of looking away. "f-fuck." he muttered under his breath, mouth agape at how he worked you. his mind became mush, marveling over your warmth and intoxicating softness. "please." he muttered to himself, squeezing his eyes shut at the thought of how you would feel wrapped around him. his shame made him feel juvenile, embarrassed by how his thoughts were as sexually erratic when he was 21 to his now 51, but not enough to stop him from grinding his cock into your loosened grip. "p-please," he whispered to himself. "god almighty—hngh!"

you began pumping him again, your other hand going back into his hair, turning your head and kissing his lips. it was one of newfound hunger; quick yet deep; quiet but stuttered through moans and hushed whimpers. suddenly, a knot formed in your abdomen, threatening to unravel. you broke the kiss. "i'm close." your tone was so vulnerable, like you would trust him with the world. gihun opened his eyes, taking in how beautiful you looked under the lamplight, the sheerest coat of sweat glimmering off your skin. "are—ngh!—a-are you?" you asked. he felt your breath brush against his cheeks, his forehead atop yours, nodding. "y-yes. we can finish together. c'mon." he kissed your cheek and your temple. "o-okay," you said breathily, head turning towards the ceiling, feeling his lips rest against your skin. "i trust you."

before gihun could register it, you unraveled. your moans were so delicate, so gentle, descending into shudders rattling out of your chest; back arching, eyebrows turned upward in ecstasy. "i—i!" you whimpered, the feeling of his finger continuously circling your clit through your unimaginable orgasm making your sinuses loosen, tears prickling even in your tightly shut eyes. "yes! yes! y-yes!" you chanted like a prayer, pumping him whilst you rode out your high. gihun was an incoherent mess through his second orgasm, his sweaty forehead sticking to your cheek, spilling onto your wrist in finality. he felt depleted of all energy, dizzy for those first few moments whilst you laid beside each other in your respective post-orgasmic hazes, your joint-labored breathing outdoing the room's air conditioning unit.

his hand slowly pulled out of your pants, yours slipping from his briefs when he turned to lay on his back. gihun's eyes closed, lulling his heartbeat with every deep breath he took. even though your body had stilled—eyes closed, tongue running over your dried lips; trying to bring yourself back down—something stirred inside of you. your body had its release, but your heartbeat fastened for a reason you did not want to acknowledge. in fact, there could not have been a worse time than now. you hastily wiped the tear that had fallen during your orgasm, your face contorting into a near sob, almost giving in to the reality that you convinced yourself you've long accepted. but you loathed it so much, so viscerally that your temples vibrated with anger; resentment; vitriol, even. all those missed phone calls, lying texts, quiet dinners, avoidant conversations . . . now here you were, suffering the consequences the night before he's set to leave.

am i really going to cry after an orgasm? really? you thought to yourself. you knew it wasn't the truth, but you were internally fighting tooth and nail to not yield to the suffocating devastation consuming your lungs like smoke at the moment; breath stuttering through your nostrils, chest convulsing whilst you held back the tears. but then, you felt his hand ghost past yours when he fixed his posture in bed. all hell broke loose.

gihun's eyes widened when he heard you cry. his hand did not hesitate to ride up your arm; a firm, yet gentle tug at your shoulder in an attempt for your attention. "hey," he spoke softly. "what happened? is everything okay?" you cried even harder, bringing your hand to your mouth. gihun's knuckles wiped what he could reach, turning on his side to face you. his big brown eyes looked to you with the same devastation your body was currently expelling. "was it something i did?" he whispered tragically. he was afraid he overstepped a boundary tonight, the intensity of it all hitting you suddenly. but that couldn't be farther from the truth. if only you could stop crying to tell him.

you turned to look at him, pawing weakly at his chest to somehow ground yourself enough to speak. the attempt proved to be worthless, the warmth of your tears lulling you into a state of incoherence. gihun's hands came up, holding either side of your face. "what is it?" his voice was low, laced with concern and perpetual shame. "what happened, hm? you can tell me." he encouraged, fingers wiping your fresh tears, palm softly encasing your cheek afterward. "i can't stand to see you like this. please, tell me."

"i-i'm so sorry i've been so distant!" you exclaimed, your tears added an unintended tone of urgency. you looked into his eyes, shaking your head. "i'm so sorry i've b-been so mean!" "no—" gihun dismissed gently, pulling you into his chest. he wrapped his arms around you; one hand smoothening your hair, the other holding onto your hip. "it's okay. you have nothing to apologize for." he meant every word. gihun never once questioned why you acted the way you did. he's anticipated this from the moment he asked for your number that early afternoon several months ago. out of all the unpredictable variables that have unfairly cast themselves into the trajectory of his life, he could always count on his selfishness to rear its ugly face in the end. whether it be debt, addiction, or hurting the ones he loved—he bears the consequence. but some part of this makes it feel worth it, as murky as it is. "it's okay. it's okay." he hushed your cries. gihun kissed your temple tenderly. "there is nothing to be forgiven." he told you when your tears subsided, holding onto you even tighter. "you haven't done anything wrong."

after a while, you slowly sat up. gihun too, albeit cautiously, watching you wipe underneath your eyes with the back of your hand. you let out a long breath, lifting your head to meet his gaze. "i've always been such an ugly crier." you muttered. gihun exhaled through his nose, grinning. "i can never predict what's going to come out of your mouth next. no matter how hard i try." you grew flustered, an upside down grin tugging at your lips. "you missed thirty years of my life." you said. "of course you'd be a little lost."

gihun couldn't help but let out a small chuckle. comfortable silence washed over the room. your palm began to swipe back and forth on the duvet again, but your eyes were on him. avoidance wasn't in the realm of possibility anymore. it hurt, but you felt ready. "you can't die, gihun." you spoke, voice quiet, as if volume would shatter the sanctity of your oath. you looked at him as if you were the only two beings on the entire earth. "i have more food to make." his gaze did not waver. "i won't." he responded, equally gentle. "i have more to eat."

two days later, you unlocked the door, stepping into your apartment. you kicked your shoes off without a moment's hesitation, setting your purse down on the kitchen counter. the rustle of the plastic bag in your hand almost overshadowed the vibration in your pocket. fishing your phone out, you rolled your eyes at the work email notification. something regarding an ongoing project, or an upcoming meeting—you could have cared less. "it's nine fucking pm. are they this incompetent?" you muttered as you walked to the living room, clicking your phone off and setting it down on the coffee table.

the plastic bag, surprisingly, was not filled with fresh vegetables and your other go-to ingredients, but takeout. you untied the knot, opening the styrofoam containers filled with freshly-cooked fried chicken and tteokbokki, respectively. "shit," you said to yourself, getting up from the couch and scurrying to the fridge, bringing back a can of sprite to accompany the meal. you ignored the cabinet housing your tupperware, not even permitting your oven, which stored your pots and pans, in your peripheral vision. for now, and for your sanity, they were dead to you.

you ate your meal in silence. the crunch of the chicken, chewiness of the rice cake, and the fizzing of your soda kept you company. your phone lit up with emails, the news, reminders to pay bills, your paycheck hitting your bank account; you didn't waver. you did what you vowed to do for the next days, weeks, or maybe the next thirty years: waiting. for something. anything.

honey's taglist! ૮ ˶ᵔ ᵕ ᵔ˶ ა: @gongyoosgf @infinetlyforgotten

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airborneice · 3 months ago

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soo throwing out my pmd au designs for the trio, and also their levels and movesets bc I put way too much thought into this already and I’m gonna yap about all of it under the cut :>

so for why I chose the pokemon I did…David and Hilda’s pokemon were really quick to figure out for me - teddiursa is already orange and literally the son boy pokemon so it was a perfect match imo, and shinx picks up 3/4 of Hilda’s colour palette without even trying. plus the electric type has a reputation for being a bit feisty and impulsive so that fits Hilda p well I think

Frida gave me way more trouble finding a suitable match but I think I’m finally happy w making her an espeon. I think her being a psychic type is a good analogue for magic so it ticks that box, and espeon picks up the purple in frida’s s3 design (her white patches are also meant to relate to her s3 look :> ). alsoo it’s not super obvious here but her inner ears and gem are blue so she can still match both hilda and david’s colour palettes like god intended 😌 OH and also a bit of Frida’s clothing/decor in the show is cat-themed, so I figured if she likes cats so much she can be one. as a treat 😌

so in this AU Hilda takes the place of the player character, so she’s the one randomly waking up in the pokemon world with amnesia and the vague recollection of being human before whereas David and Frida are just regular pokemon (something something parallel to Hilda moving to the city and having no idea how anything works vs David and Frida already having it figured out etc)

at the start, Frida is already evolved and a bit higher level than the others. I was thinking of that drive to overachieve & live up to expectations that she has at the start of the show, and how in a pokemon au evolving a little early would probably be a point of pride for her (and her parents). david and hilda on the other hand don’t have much expertise battling yet (Hilda is literally fresh into being a pokemon so doesn’t have battles figured out and David is actively scared of them) so they’re low-level and their movesets are basic, though I tried to tailor them to their personalities a little bit. I wanted to make Frida’s moveset more tactical and thought-out since she’s the one planning and strategising to keep the team on track. (a moment of silence for her hanging on to Baton Pass when she’s in a team with two pokemon who are too scared/inexperienced in battle to be any help at all…) plus she has the odd TM bc I figure if her parents had such high hopes for her, they’d try to make sure she had a good start and got the best moves money could buy. at the point where Hilda comes in, Frida and David both want to become explorers but for their own reasons can’t quite work up the nerve to make it happen yet..we’ll get to that in the next post :>

#i think we can all see who the target audience for this au is #me. It’s just me #i love having an excuse to be insane abt pokemon on main #i uh. have not drawn a lot lately #all my energy rn is going into surviving at my new job lmao #so I’ve been taking a break from drawing and it’s been kinda nice!#i wanted to post what I already had tho and I’ll keep chipping away at it #it might be a while tho #Hilda netflix #pokemon #hilda the series #pokemon mystery dungeon #pmd #pokemon au #art tag

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ducktoonsfanart · 1 month ago

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Donald Duck and Goofy with their kids at the Powerline concert - Daisy, Peg and Pete with their kids also at the Powerline concert - Boys and men - Women and girls - Happy 30th anniversary A Goofy Movie! - Goof Troop, A Goofy Movie and Quack Pack crossover - Quack Pack AU - Goofyverse, Dogverse and Duckverse - My style

On April 7, 1995, director Kevin Lim and writers Jymm Magon and animation studios from France and Australia, namely Walt Disney Pictures and Walt Disney Television Animation, released a film that definitely changed Goofy's career, which is A Goofy Movie. And this year marks the 30th anniversary of that movie! That film focused specifically on the relationship between father and son, namely Goofy and Max, as well as Max's relationships with his friends (Pete Junior and Bobby Zimmeruski) and a girl named Roxanne. I liked that film a lot and it is one of my favorite animated films and it was well made, although there were certain mistakes. It certainly deserved special attention. Bill Farmer and Jason Marsden played the two most important characters very well.

On this occasion, I drew two drawings (since not everyone would fit in one) related to A Goofy Movie, so I made them as crossovers of two really underrated series that I really love, and that was the crossover of Quack Pack and Goof Troop together at the Powerline concert in Los Angeles. By the way, that Powerline was an imitation of a 1990s pop star and was played by Tevin Campbell and was inspired by Michael Jackson, David Bowie, Prince and Bobby Brown and remained for their famous hits such as "Stand Out" and "Eye to Eye". I love both, but I liked "Eye to Eye" more, so I did a redraw of the dance of that song as Goof Troop and Quack Pack sing it and dance it. One drawing is with male characters and boys, and the other drawing is with female characters and girls, plus Pete. I always thought that Donald Duck Movie was supposed to be like A Goofy Movie, so I added Donald's family with Goofy and Pete's family. Both the kids are teenagers, while Pistol is more like a preteen, but she's also entering her teens (I found inspiration in some drawings where Pistol is a teenager, but I did it my way). The first drawing features Max Goof, Huey, Dewey and Louie Duck plus Phooey Duck (Quack Pack version and as Quack Pack AU), Pete Junior (P.J.), Goofy Goof, Donald Duck, Bobby Zimmeruski and of course Powerline. The second drawing features Daisy's nieces April, May and June Duck (my Quack Pack version, my style), Pistol Pete, Daisy Duck, Peg Pete, Roxanne Rover (Max's girlfriend), Roxanne's friend Stacey, a backup dancer lady who was with Powerline and of course Peg-Leg Pete, or Peter Pete. Sorry for some mistakes, especially with the background, although I made them look like the concert lights were pointing at them. And I added Peg and Pistol because they were definitely missing from that movie. I hope you like this, as well as the anniversary of A Goofy Movie.

I hope you like these drawings, these characters, these versions of me and these ideas of mine and feel free to like and reblog this as much as possible to support my work, just don't copy these same ideas and versions of these characters without mentioning me. Thanks! Also happy 100th birthday to Pete and happy 30th anniversary to A Goofy Movie and happy birthday to Donald's nephews and Daisy's nieces and happy birthday to me (which was on April 5th). So I did a special for my birthday too! :D Happy 30th anniversary to A Goofy Movie!

Also music for this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pd-WUEE4PzY https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EsNS5gnUTj4

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hotchs-big-hands · 1 year ago

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Ada my love you know that boyfriend ‘test’ of handing them your purse/handbag/bag when you go to the bathroom to see how they hold it? Yeah I need your take on our BAU men x that trend pls. Would they hold your purse?

AAAAAAAAA HELLO MY LOVE ROME ITS SO NICE TO SEE YOU IN THE ASKBOX 🥰🥰🥰🥨💖🥨💖🥨💖🥨💖🥨💖🥨💖🥨💖🥨💖🥨💖🥨💖🥨💖

gosh I LOVE this trend thing, it's cute. I'll ummmm do smth I've never done before and do some hcs for more than just ayayron, as requested 😳😳😳😳😳 gahdayum

What the different BAU men would do if asked to hold your bag/purse for you when you go the bathroom.

GN!reader|sfw

Aaron Hotchner

Okay so this man is like. The biggest gentleman ever of course. So when you approach him during a team night out with your bag he takes it without hesitation to your question.

"Of course, it's safe with me."

He is very protective of it, gripping onto it to his chest with one arm and hand whilst the other holds onto his drink as he sips periodically. He doesn't pay any mind when the others eye him curiously, and when you return he smiles slightly and holds out your bag to you.

"Here you go. Don't hesitate to ask me again as well, sweetheart."

He has to admit, he adores the delighted grin you offer in return when you thank him for holding your bag. And he's able to drown out the chuckles of the other members of the team because he's certain he probably looks like a lovesick puppy.

Derek Morgan

Derek raises his brow with a teasing grin as you ask him to hold your bag for you.

"Mind if I take a lil peek?" He jokes, chuckling when you babble at him not to look, panic flashing in your eyes. "Relax, sweets. I'm not gonna look."

Holds it under his muscular arm and stares down anyone who gives him a funny look. He's shameless, plus he's happy you trust him to take care of your stuff.

You return momentarily and look relieved to see him holding it protectively. He smiles and holds it out to you when you're close enough.

"There you go, sweets. Don't worry, I didn't look inside." He winks at you and you lightly shove him, pouting playfully. He loves teasing you.

Spencer Reid

Man's shook when you ask him of all people to hold your bag for a moment.

"Me? I-I mean of course I'll hold it!" He hates that his voice cracked but you don't seem to mind though, smiling sweetly and thanking him before you turn away and disappear to find the restroom.

He is holding onto the bag straps so tightly that his knuckles are turning white. No-one is getting hold of this bag, if it's the last thing he'll ever be sure of. Derek saunters over with a grin and chuckles as he points out how tight his grip is. But even as he feels heat rush to his cheeks, he dutifully holds on tight to your bag.

Your return makes him smile with relief, but he holds on tight to the bag even as you now come to stand face-to-face with him. You hold your hand out and ask for your bag back and he flushes. "R-right yeah, here!" He said quickly and holds the bag out, grip still strong until you take hold of it.

You giggle softly and thank him, and he grins awkwardly as he watches you turn away and head off elsewhere. It's only when he feels Derek's hand lightly land on his shoulder that he refocuses and embarrassment floods his senses. Hopefully, he'll be more confident in himself next time you ask him to hold your bag.

David Rossi

When you timidly approach Dave at the table he's seated at with Aaron and hold out your bag to him, he raises a brow at you when you ask him to hold your bag for you for a moment.

"Hm? You want me to take care of it for you? Of course, tesoro."

He places it on the table in front of him, not without smoothing his hands over the surface slightly because well, he is fond of you after all. Aaron huffs out a quiet snort, raising his brow with a grin at him. Dave shakes his head and waves him off.

You're quick to return with a shy smile, thanking him sweetly for keeping an eye on your bag. He picks up the bag and holds it out to you, making sure you've secured it before he drops his arm. "Anytime, tesoro. I'll look after it for you."

He winks at you and delights in your flustered movements, meeting his eye and as Aaron stands and gives him a pointed look, Dave pulls out a chair next to him and invites you to join him for the evening.

Lmao this was probably shit but I'm not too confident writing for other characters 😭😭 I hope people enjoyed tho regardless KSSKSK

#aaron hotchner x reader #derek morgan x reader #spencer reid x reader #david rossi x reader #a's writing #beloved rome 🥨💖#criminal minds imagine #criminal minds fanfiction

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onakomiyaki · 1 year ago

Text

WHAT IS THIS | dr3 x brabham!reader | lh44 x brabham!reader (platonic) - smau

summary : you got into dating rumor with lewis hamilton after your sudden appearance in bahrain gp 2021. and your friend is not happy at all.

fc : emily ratajkowski, pinterest.

a/n : this is part of 'just a silly crush' universe, so i suggest you to read it first <3 and also this is just a small break (i lost the chapter 3 and 4 on my draft brb crying)

y/nbrabham.official

Liked by f1, lewishamilton, tommyhilfinger, and 1,786,901 others

y/nbrabham.official alright i take back what i said about cars go vroom-vroom. y'all cool, i guess.

big thanks to @ mercedesamgf1 and @ tommyhilfiger for inviting me!

View all comments

30 March 2021

user1 HELLO?!? F1 AND Y/N?!?!? WHAT DID I MISS?!?! WHEN WAS THIS?!

user2 she decided to wake up and choose chaos, because what the hell??!

lewishamilton Glad you came, Y/N! Come again next race? 😊

y/nbrabham okay hamilton, now you're pushing it too far 🙄

lewishamilton Well, at least I tried.😮‍💨

user3 HELLO?!?!? WHAT IS GOING ON

mercedesamgf1 Our best paddock girl! 🥰

y/nbrabham.official admin stop making me blush! 😳😳

user4 there's no daniel in the likes, what's going on?

user1 someone said that daniel is unfollowing her because she attend bahrain gp as lewis plus one, while he'd been trying to invite her since his debut race and she refuse to come.

user2 she's actually look sad and guilty when daniel refuse to look at her and avoided her at the whole race :(

user7 she doesn't deserve the spotlight :\ she only there because she is brand ambassador for tommy hilfiger. what did she knows about f1 anyway.

user5 GIRL SHE'S LITERALLY THE DAUGHTER OF DAVID BRABHAM?!?!

user4 blud is talking f1 knowledge to one of the brabham is crazy

mclaren maybe you can go to ours next race? 👀

redbullracing she will come to ours next, sorry.🫢

mercedesamgf1 BACK OFF I SAID 🤺🤺

user9 NAHHH THE ADMINS ARE ON IT AGAIN

y/nbrabham.official maybe... 🤔

user9 Y/N ?!?!?

danielricciardo posted a story!

lewishamilton

Liked by f1, y/nbrabham.official, maxverstappen, and 347,970 others

lewishamilton We out ✌🏾

Thanks for the photos and for supporting me, dear friend! @ y/nbrabham.official

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30 March 2021

y/nbrabham.official i look like that one kid in meme... the one who smile at the burning house... what is this lewis... 🤨

lewishamilton You look fine, Y/N stop worrying so much! 😩

y/nbrabham.official i am a model, of course i worry about my image 😤😤

user6 DEAR FRIEND??!? WHAT DOES THIS MEAN?!?

lewishamilton She is my beloved friend! (I got rejected)

y/nbrabhams.official we are friends! (plz ignore lewis)

user44 HE GOT WHAT BY WHO?!?

user1 only y/n could reject THE lewis hamilton.

user10 i mean it is y/n, she can reject me, spit on me, call me names and i would still thank her

user12 @.user10 okay grandma, lets get you back to bed.

mercedesamgf1 looking' fresh 🔥🔥

user9 MAX I SEE YOU

user3 it is probably daniel stalking with max's phone

maxverstappen I have no comment on that.

user33 MAX?!?!?!?

user2 BOY BFR RIGHT NOW

user4 WHAT DID YOU KNOW MAX VERSTAPPEN

landonorris 😶

user5 LANDO NORRIS?!

user11 ohh so this is what daniel story meant.. (im delulu)

user14 wait you might be onto something since daniel unfollow y/n.. (let me join you)

user23 OKAY BED TIME FOR YOU TWO, CHOP CHOP

"lew, daniel unfollowed me on insta. what should i do?" you said, voice panicking through the call.

"calm down, y/n. i'll try and talk to him." lewis, voice groggy, said.

it was almost 4 a.m in imola, and lewis had just finish reading a book. meanwhile it was 1 p.m for you in australia, and he is kind enough to listen to your sudden panic call. daniel had unfollowed you and you just notice that because you are opening your twitter after a week away from it.

the whole bahrain gp literally flooded your timeline so you just opted to stay off the twitter. which proven not so wise because now you're left with few chapters behind.

first, daniel unfollowed you. which of course understandable regarding the situation you're in. but daniel hasn't give you a chance to even apologize because that man is ignoring your messages and call and he of course won't read your dm

second, you just notice most of the grid is following you. other than few friend that you know about a.k.a daniel's friends, lance stroll, valterri bottas, and even zak brown decided to joining the bandwagon. and you know it won't be long until your next grand prix invitation.

"he is angry, y/n. that is understandable. and also why didn't you tell me sooner about your whole anti f1 agenda? i can prevent this disaster happen, you know that."

"yeah i know, i should've at least talk to you... but tommy really want me to go! he personally talk to me lew, how can i say no to him?"

"okay, fair. by the way, we've been friend for how long now? 3 years?"

"around that, yes. why?"

"and how long you've been friend with daniel?"

"umm, 19 years 20? i can't remember"

"yeah that outta do it. anyways i'll try talking to him okay? he avoided me too, maybe i'll ask max verstappen to help. i better go to sleep now, its like almost 5 a.m and my body is screaming."

"okay, you do that. i'm gonna go with my lunch... thanks lew."

"anytime, y/n."

anna watch as you return to your table with a suspicious look on her face. she never see you this restless or this nervous after your 'beef' with elsa hosk back in 2017. anna had her suspicion that it is about bahrain and she knew that it is partially her fault as well, but who knows?

"who was it?" anna asked, sipping her virgin mojito.

"lewis hamilton." you simply said, taking of your sunny as you open the menu.

"ohh, you finally agreeing on that second date?"

"what? no! he trying to help me to talk to daniel again."

"oh right, daniel."

"he didn't block me, but he definitely ignore me." you said, voice dejected.

anna wave her hand, calling the waitress to finally take your orders. you frown at her as the waitress approach both of you.

"i didn't order yet." you said.

"you've been ordering the same thing in this restaurant for almost 10 years, y/n. trust me i know what you want."

so you pout your mouth, rolling your eyes as you let anna order for you. she's not wrong that's why you let her be. this restaurant is one of if not the only restaurant that you always go to whenever you visit perth. you went here first time ever with daniel, back when you are 16. this restaurant just open then and you are excited to let daniel drive you around after finally getting his driver license.

"have you tried calling max? he is daniel closest friend on track right?" anna suggest, looking at you silently.

"should i?"

"try it."

and so you did. you open your phone, hovering at the contact name as you hesitate to press the call button. i mean it is 5 a.m at imola anyway, he won't pick up. right?

"hello?"

"uhh, hi max. this is y/n brabham. sorry for bothering you this early."

"ah don't worry i already woke up an hour ago. what can i help you?

"its about daniel."

"oh, yeah. bahrain?"

"yeah, he is mad at me. he won't answer his phone, unfollowed me on everywhere, and just avoiding me."

"he is mad at you, that's for sure. but he won't be mad at you forever. trust me, i know."

anna watch you in silence and you just looked away from her, staring at the ocean. you know anna is being nosy, but you let her anyway.

"i want to apologize to him... but how?"

"well, i have an idea. you have place in monaco right?"

"yeah, i do have house in monaco. why?"

"okay, here's the plan."

next masterlist

#daniel ricciardo #daniel ricciardo imagine #daniel ricciardo x reader #dr3 x reader #f1 fanfic #f1 fic #f1 imagine #f1 x reader #lewis hamilton #lewis hamilton x reader #smau #f1 smau

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anothermansjeans · 1 year ago

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I need to know what the rest of the bau thought of youtuber Reader when they first met them 😭

ah yes, i love a good bau reaction!! this takes place very early in their relationship 🫶

cw: fluff! mention of drinks, karaoke, MEETING THE TEAM!!

wc: 840

youtuber!reader masterlist

“We really don't have to go.”

You let out a loud laugh as you turned around, clasping a dainty necklace around your neck. “You're kidding, right?”

“I don't want you to feel pressured into meeting everyone. Especially because they'll crack jokes about us– mostly me– and I don't want it to be uncomfortable.” He sat on your bed, wringing his finger together as he spoke.

Once the necklace was secured, you walked towards him and placed your hands on his cheeks, feeling his hands automatically shift up towards your hips. “You could never make me feel pressured, Spence. You do the opposite! I feel so comfortable with you, I don't think meeting new people will kill me.” He let out a breathy laugh and squeezed your hips, prompting you to continue. “Plus, I've already met Penelope. I’m assuming that if your team is as half as caring as she is we’ll get along fine.”

“And the whole “joking about us” thing? You don't care?”

Brushing his hair back, you gave him a playful smile. “What do you think my comment section does to me whenever I bring up my ‘big-brained boyfriend’? I don't give a shit what someone has to say as long as we’re happy. Okay?”

“Okay.”

“Okay,” you smiled and placed a peck on his lips. “Now let’s get moving. I’ve heard the bar we’re going to has karaoke and I don't think I’m being my authentic self if I don't embarrass both of us with a terrible duet!”

Standing up and grabbing his jacket and your hand, Spencer let out a rushed, “we are not singing” as the two of you walked out of your apartment.

The two of you did end up singing. Multiple times!

When you first got to the bar, everyone was sitting at a high top waving over once they saw Spencer. Turns out, Penelope already shared a few of your videos with the group prior to your arrival and Emily and JJ were obsessed with you, David Rossi didn't understand the lifestyle (but showed his support), Aaron expressed how happy he was for Spencer and yourself, and Derek was a bit apprehensive– but for good reasons!

After everyone got acquainted, Derek made sure to pull Spencer to the side. “Are you sure you're up for her lifestyle?”

His question didn't come as a surprise to Spencer. It was actually a topic frequently talked about between the two of you, because you're always worried he’ll realize this isn't what he wants. But it is. He wants you. The lifestyle just comes with it. “Yeah, Morgan, I’m sure.” The face he made told Spencer he wasn't buying it. “I know it's soon but… I would do anything for her. It’s not rational and usually I would think these things through but–”

“I get it.” Derek’s words caused Spencer to look at him like a deer in headlights.

“You do?”

“Yeah, man. She seems great so far, I was just worried about. I’m happy for you.” Tilting his head over towards the group Derek, said his next words with a genuine smile, “let’s get back over there before the ladies eat her alive with their questions.”

The two men walked back over to the table as JJ was finishing up her question. “So these magazine companies ask you to do interviews for them on the red carpets?” you let out a small hum, prompting her to ask another question. “Wouldn’t it be easier to live in L.A or New York?”

At her question, you looked over at Spencer sitting back down beside you, and gave a smile before turning back to everyone. “Maybe… I was thinking about it earlier in the year but… things changed in my life and I think I have too much here I can't part with.” A coo of awes filled the table, which caused your cheeks to turn a shade of red. Feeling a hand on your knee, you looked over to Spencer and saw him smiling.

“That was sweet.”

“Mhmm.”

Spencer lifted an eyebrow, squeezing your knee as his words left his mouth, “you're embarrassed now?”

“...just a little…” looking up at him through your lashes, you could see his smile shift to a playful one. “Karaoke might help,” you added, watching as he rolled his eyes.

“And let me guess, me singing with you would help even more?”

“You really are a genius!” The two of you shared smiles, in your own little bubble completely oblivious of the awestruck team around you. “Come on! One song? Please?”

And he couldn't say no to you. So yes, you did end up singing. After a silly duet with just the two of you, Penelope joined in, and then a couple more members had to do a song as well. Multiple songs were sung, drinks shared, and memories made. If the team wasn't so transparent about taking a liken to you, Spencer would've sworn up and down that they loved you… almost as much as he realized he loved you.

youtuber!reader taglist: @im-a-ghost666 @lyd14k4y @happiestcat @hauntedtv13 @obi-wansgirl

let me know if you would like to be added or removed!!

#LOVE THEMMMM!!!#spencer reid #spencer reid x reader #dr spencer reid #dr spencer reid x reader #spencer reid x fem!reader #criminal minds #youtuber!reader

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godsfavouritedog · 5 days ago

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heyyy!!! can you make trans-intersex tips????

TRANSINTERSEX TIPS!

from a cisintersex person, I got you anon! hope these help :) for the sake of ease I'll split it into two sections, depending on what you're transitioning from.

SECT. 1 — FROM FEMALE

01 :

despite the idea that "androgyny usually means no makeup", makeup is actually really useful!

use makeup to make your face more androgynous. darken your eyebrows gently, sharpen your cheekbones, contour your nose.

generally, I'd advise from accentuating any "gender specific" traits like facial hair, as the goal of transitioning to intersex is usually to be more androgynous looking.

02 :

body hair! grow out your arm and leg hair, happy trails on females are also way more common than people think.

minoxidil can help this! make sure to follow the correct dosage.

03 :

keeping your hair long actually doesn't impact it as much as you'd think! brush your hair away from your face, maybe mess it up a bit. you can actually look really androgynous with long hair!

that being said, a lot of people opt to put it back into manbuns or short ponytails too.

04 :

hit the gym! having a more masculine physique might help with making you more ambiguous, plus it may boost your testosterone! a big thing of intersexuality is having unusual or equal hormone balances, so try to boost your testosterone!

working out certain areas can also reduce fat around hips and chest to give a more general shape. that being said, so do binders!

05 :

wear big, boxy clothes. I find men's cropped hoodies and mid rise jeans to create this effect the best! these generally create a more boxy appearance.

you may also just find it euphoric to have contrasting parts of your appearance. e.g masculine body, feminine face, masculine hair, feminine voice.

06 :

try to speak with a lower cadence. you know how your voice comes from your chest more when you hum? try to recreate that when you speak - this way, you don't actually have to have that deep of a voice to sound more masculine or ambiguous!

trans voice coaches help a TON.

SECT 2 — FROM MALE

01 :

grow out your hair god I beg. it's really down to personal choice, but I really do think long hair looks gorgeous on everyone.

layer it too! this can give a slightly more fem or messy look to it, generally more ambiguous.

02 :

you might want to shave body hair, though it really does depend on personal preference. some transintersex folk find it euphoric to have the biology of one sex but the stereotypical appearance of another (e.g females with lots of body hair and rough skin, males with no body hair and soft skin.) this is really down to preference though, and don't let anyone force you!

03 :

mascara is rreaaalll pretty... and it actually doesn't make you look too feminine! long lashes have been associated with masculinity in the past.

04 :

if you want a more female / fem figure to have more ambiguity, corsets do a fantastic job! please do be careful and follow the correct guidance though :p

clothes also play a huge part! you might like paring different stereotypically gendered clothes together. I find taking inspiration from 90s figures like Prince and David Bowie to help a lot!

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dalliancekay · 11 months ago

Text

I'm just gonna write out what I think cos if someone sends me this again for the 113th time, I'm gonna snap. Look...

TL;DR - Heaven is good and Heaven should/could be good are two different things - Aziraphale is not an idiot; whether he still believes God is good/neutral/whatever and just the management bad or not is up in the air, we can't know unless we ask him, but it's definitely not so simple as - he needs to see it's bad, like Crowley did, end of story - The Ineffables HAVE NOWHERE TO GO. There isn't a secret third option where they can leave for and be happy if only Aziraphale opened his eyes - it's what the story is about - Crowley left Heaven for an even worse place. It would make zero sense for Aziraphale to follow his journey. Crowley is not free and doesn't have all the answers - I bet it has never occurred to either of them the whole System can be ever changed (we don't even know if it can be. The System is bigger than the UNIVERSE) - But I think that's what they'll do in S3

Interviews (months!) before a premiere of something are tricky. You gotta be careful and VAGUE with what you say and what you want people to expect. Mostly creators focus on the themes in the first, maybe second episodes or so, trying not to give away much. Just the bare bones, what is already expected anyway. After all, they want you to watch it and go: "Ahhhh...." It was the same in S2 as well. (David describing in interviews how unmoored Crowley was in S2, how kind of disappointed etc and Michael how Az is also a bit disconcerted by not having a job, something big to belong to). But that's a description of - how we find the Ineffables in ep1, rather than describing the whole of Season 2 or their entire mindset. And there was a book first before the series and you must admit Aziraphale and Crowley are a bit different in the series than they are in the book. So caution was needed. PLUS their story has evolved again. It doesn't now end in the Ritz (I know it never really did for Neil and Terry who clearly wanted them to deal with the whole system somehow). The husbands have more trouble ahead. More details were added. We got more of their story, their journeys. Crowley doesn't change and is just waiting for Aziraphale to catch up with him - it's not much of a story, don't you think? Aziraphale is a naïve goody two shoes angel who has to realise Heaven is bad - is just so simple it's laughable.

And I'm sorry but Aziraphale has not lived a guarded life. He has lived a life of fear and anxiety with bosses who underestimate, belittle and laugh at him and think he's soft and rather pointless. Does anyone know what the question was that's answered?

Yeah, Aziraphale changes in S1 but they both do. Crowley throws out - we should do something. This whole Armageddon thing, I don't like it. He is so much a questioner of everything, isn't he. Why does it have to be this way. Makes no sense, what if... And generally, he doesn't have much to lose. If Hell wins, well, he knows what it's like. If Heaven wins, well, it'd be marginally better? Just about? If he survives to see it? Still sucks balls tho. So yes, David is right that Crowley NEEDS Aziraphale to see things his way and quickly. Cos EARTH.

Aziraphale knows the Earth came with a manual and an expiry date. He even told this so Angel!Crowley aeons ago.

So Aziraphale's journey (is not stopping believing Heaven is good and truth and light) is believing that he has choices. That he can change things. That the Plan might be Ineffable but it doesn't have to follow what he was told it must follow.

Crowley says, look, let's try, what do we have to lose. You like Earth as much as I do. And he gets Aziraphale to agree, they hatch a plan.

We watch Crowley come to love and trust Aziraphale through the ages after all he has been through. We watch Aziraphale to guard their little existence and carefully push at boundaries of what he thinks he can get away with. He wonders at what things are really like. What do they mean.

Their journey, is towards each other.

I don't know how they will smash the System before they fall into a tight embrace and never let go, but I know they will. Even if they have no idea yet that that is even possible. How could they.

And if I see one more post about how Aziraphale was backsliding and choosing his ‘faith’ over Crowley in the Final 15, I will set the internet on fire.

I can never decide if Heaven and Hell are more like mafia or like a dictatorship. Maybe a mix of both. Just cos they couldn't be killed, they were left alone for a bit. Didn't last long though, did it. They needed to be separated so they don't stop another go at destroying the little Universe project God started. I guess the Archangels are quite fed up with it.

Remember. Aziraphale and Crowley have nowhere to go. They never had. The best they could do was keep their little places on Earth. For themselves. For each other. Until they couldn't.

If you thought Aziraphale won't take the chance to have a tiny glimmer of an opportunity to destroy the fucking system in whatever way he can come up with (instead of what, being downmoted, having his memory erased too?), than you don't get him at all. Did he want to stay? You heard him say it. Was he allowed to? (No, really Metatron, nice chat but do fuck off for real now, I have a date with my demon). If you think Metatron wouldn't be back with a punishment for helping Gabriel than I don't know what to tell you.

ALSO Why do people keep bringing this back to justify their vague (or not so vague) dislike of Az (but, but Neil said "I think Aziraphale needs to learn") cos they think Az betrayed Crowley by leaving or something. The angel is just so stubborn. And he just won't listen to Crowley... right? /s You can see Aziraphale's struggles - he is a part of something he disagrees with and has no way out (Hell is not a way out btw) and tries to live in his existence in the little bubble with Crowley while being extremely careful not to have it burst. Until it inevitably does. Just as he always knew it would. But okay, if you want to have Good Omens be about a demon who figured everything out and is now waiting for his fluffy little angel to catch up and apologise to him (a million times) for being stupid so they can finally ride into the sunset, have at it.

#good omens #aziraphale #crowley #ineffable husbands #aziracrow #good omens 2 #aziraphale my beloved #good omens thoughts #neil gaiman #kaypost

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willalove75 · 4 months ago

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Alcina's New Maid Pt. 26 Lady Dimitrescu x Reader

Summary: he party has officially begun! Filled with laughter, love, fun and a little angst! Also Alexi may or may not have been inspired by David from Schitts Creek

Warnings: 18+ minors DNI.

Tags: Some fluff, a little angst and things start to heat up at the end!

Notes: Part 26! WOAH! TWO CHAPTERS IN ONE DAY?! Hell yeah! I did a poll here since I pretty much wrote these last two chapters together as one and broke them up and the winning vote on the poll was to post them together so here we are! Also I forgot to say in my last chapter - Happy New Year everyone!!

Click here for the rest of the series

Gif source

Alcina leads you into the ballroom and you are taken back by its beauty. This room is normally stunning as it is, but with all of the decorations it’s even moreso. The music rings throughout the room and all of the guests are mingling and dancing. Bela, Cassandra and Daniela are dancing off to the side along with Angie while the rest of the Lords, and Mother Miranda, are all seated at one of the tables. Villagers approach the table and bow, giving thanks to their Holy Mother and showing their respect to the Lords. From what you can see, Miranda seems uninterested in the villagers approaching her as her eyes continue to scan the crowd. A shiver runs down your spine and you turn your attention away from her and follow Alcina further into the room. Servants weave in and out of the crowd with trays of appetizers and more champagne.

One server walks up to you with a tray of some of your favorite appetizers and you happily take a couple, exchanging the food with your now empty champagne glass. Almost immediately another server approaches with more champagne and both you and Alcina take a glass.

“To a marvelous night, and to you, draga mea.” She says.

“And to you for putting together such a beautiful party. Thank you, Alci. Everything is so beautiful.”

“Anything for you, iubirea mea.”

The two of you clink your glasses and take a sip of the champagne. A few girls you knew from school sheepishly approach you and wish you a happy birthday. Alcina proudly rests her hand around your waist as you introduce them and engage in some small talk.

As your conversation winds down, so does the music and you hear Zina’s voice over the intercom.

“Will everyone please take their seats? Your main course is going to be served momentarily.”

Everyone shuffles to their seats and Alcina directs you to a long table parallel to the dancefloor. In the center is a large chair for Alcina and two chairs on either side for you and the girls.

Taking the seat to her right, Cassandra sits next to you and Bela takes the chair to Alcina’s left with Daniela next to her. It was a little surprising to see the girls walk to their seats and not swarm. Now that you think of it, you haven’t seen them swarm at all since the party started. Leaning over to Cassandra, you whisper to her.

“Is there a reason you guys aren’t swarming?”

“Mother doesn’t like us to do that in public, especially during formal events. She says it's ‘unbecoming.’ Plus, I don’t think she wants the whole village to know we can. It’s one of those things that most people can’t confirm or deny, if that makes sense. And it keeps us safer if they don’t know.”

“Oh, gotcha. That makes sense.”

Out of the corner of your eye you see one of the doors open and you see Alexi and the stablehand sneak in. You catch his gaze and raise an eyebrow at him and the stablehand. He shoots you a wink and blows you a kiss and you roll your eyes at him. Alcina grumbles beside you and you look over to see her looking at Alexi too. Giving her a little nudge with your elbow, you give her a knowing look and she playfully rolls her eyes at you before a hush falls over the room.

Alcina stands from her chair and the girls clink their silverware against their glasses to signal a toast.

“Ladies, gentlemen, and honored guests, we gather together this evening to celebrate a truly special occasion. We gather here tonight to celebrate a remarkable person whose presence has enriched our lives the moment she stepped foot into Castle Dimitrescu.” Alcina turns towards you. “Y/N, your kindness, warmth, and unwavering presence have touched each of us in House Dimitrescu in such profound ways. Tonight, we raise our glasses to you. May this year bring you endless joy, happiness and love. Because of you, this castle feels more like a home than it has in many, many years. I hope this year and every year following you know how truly cherished you are. Te iubesc cu tot ce am și cu tot ce sunt, draga mea. Happy birthday.”

(I love you with everything I have and with everything I am, my darling).

The guests applaud Alcina’s toast as they clink their glasses together and Alcina clinks hers against yours.

“Te iubesc, draga mea.” She whispers before sipping from her drink.

“I love you too, Alci.” You respond before sipping yours.

Alcina reclaims her seat and looks over at Zina, who is waiting for the cue to begin serving dinner, and gives her a nod.

The doors open and dozens of servers come out in near perfect lines and disperse throughout the room. Plates with cloches are placed in front of you and each server goes down the line, perfectly rehearsed, removing the cloches revealing one of the most beautiful meals you’ve ever seen.

Everyone begins to eat and you actually freeze in place when you look around to see Cassandra and Daniela eating like civilized people. At nearly every meal they make a mess, use their hands (or other objects, like daggers) and end up covered in blood and food. Bela is the only one that consistently eats like a “normal” person. But both Cassandra and Daniela are using forks and knives and taking bites from their silverware instead of shoveling the food in their mouths. Of course their steaks are raw and bloody, but the lack of mess is distracting you from your own meal.

Cassandra struggles to cut into a piece and begins to growl in frustration. Alcina hears her and clears her throat, staring at Cassandra out of the corner of her eye. Cassandra looks over at her mother before letting out a huff and relaxing her shoulders. Alcina is poised as always, with perfect posture, she eats her meal as if she’s been trained to do this her entire life. Which honestly, she probably was. Even though it’s been decades since such an event was held, the training that she went through throughout her entire childhood for these formal events will forever be ingrained in her.

The meal was absolutely delicious, which was not a surprise to you given how talented the chefs are, and you were so full that you were worried the seam on your dress might pop.

Light chatter fills the room as the guests finish their meals and the room grows louder when the music picks back up, inviting the guests back to the dancefloor.

“Come on! Let's dance!” Daniela says as she grabs your hand.

“Ugh, Dani, I’m so full!” You whine.

“Less complaining! More dancing!”

Daniela pulls you away from the table and you pout at Alcina, who just smiles and winks at you, having zero intentions on helping out get out of Daniela’s grasp. Bela, Cassandra, and Angie follow you to the dancefloor and you all dance to the upbeat music. The drinks flow as you dance and the moment your glass is empty, a new, full glass appears in your hand. You’ve lost count of how many drinks you’ve had but from the nice buzz you have going you can tell you’ve had a few. A few friends and acquaintances from the village bounce around the dancefloor and you manage to laugh and dance with most of the people you had on your guest list. At one point the kids find you on the dancefloor and you get to dance with them as well. As soon as you see your uncle staring daggers at you and the kids you send them back off to their parents, doing your best to avoid any more conflicts with your aunt and uncle for the night. Alexi finds you soon after and twirls you around a few times before you have to cling to him to get him to stop before you get too dizzy and fall over.

The music slows and some people leave the dance floor while others pair off into couples. Alexi extends his hand and bows and you laugh while taking his hand, accepting his dance. Bela and Cassandra dance together and Dani dances with Angie.

Alexi leads the dance and the two of you sway to the music. It feels so good to be back with your best friend. Guilt eats at you knowing that you neglected him for the last few months, but the way he smiles down at you eases you.

“So, how was helping the stablehand?” You ask.

A light blush dusts his cheeks and he clears his throat.

“It was, uh, fine. Tons of horses, but nothing we couldn’t handle.”

“Oh, so you’re suddenly a ‘we’?”

“No! That’s not what I - I didn’t mean -” He stutters.

“I’m just joking!” You say with a laugh. “Don’t worry, I won’t tell anyone about your new crush.” You tease.

“I do not -”

“Don’t even give me that. The moment you laid eyes on him everyone else around you disappeared. I’m not surprised though, he’s very cute and absolutely your type.”

Alexi rolls his eyes and they land on the stablehand once more. He bites his lip as his eyes roam over him.

“He is really cute, isn’t he?”

“Very.”

The stablehand catches Alexi staring at him and smiles back but Alexi panics and his gaze shoots back to you and you laugh at his flustered state.

“Don’t laugh! Plus, don’t think I forgot that you owe me a ton of answers.” He says as he spins you.

“I haven’t forgotten, don’t worry.” You say as you spin back into his arms.

As your twirl ends the hair draped over your shoulder falls to your back, exposing the scar on your neck to Alexi. His gaze wanders down to it and he stops, his eyes growing wide.

“What the - oh my god what the hell happened?” He asks with concern in his voice.

Alexi goes to brush his fingers over your scar and you quickly cover it up again with your hair.

“It’s nothing.”

“That is not nothing. What the hell happened? Who did that to you?” Looking around the room, you try to come up with an answer but Alexi knows you better. “Oh my god,” he says, dropping his voice. “She did that to you, didn’t she?”

“Alexi, it’s not - it’s not what you think.” You say as you start dancing again to keep from gaining unwanted attention from the guests.

“What did she do to you? Are you actually safe here?”

“It wasn’t her fault, please, I need you to trust me, to believe me. It wasn’t her fault.”

“How? How can it not possibly be her fault if she’s the one who did that to you?”

“I can’t explain it right now, but please, I need you to believe me. I’ll tell you everything I can later, I promise. But I am safe here. I am safe with her.” Your voice drops to a whisper. “I love her.”

“Please tell me this isn’t some Stockholm syndrome shit. Because right now, that's what it looks and sounds like.”

“I know it looks and sounds bad. I get it, I do. But that’s not it. I love her so much. Like real, actual love. Not some ‘she kidnapped me and I’ve fallen in love with my captor’ fairytale shit. I’m safe with her, it’s other people that are the problem.”

“Like who?”

“I can’t tell you right now, I want to but I really, really can’t. I promise when things wind down you and I will find someplace quiet and talk.”

“Are you sure you’re okay here?”

“I am, I promise.”

“Okay. But I still want answers.”

“And you’ll get them, I promise.”

The song comes to an end and a second slow song begins. Alcina walks up behind Alexi and taps him on the shoulder. He turns around and Alcina extends her hand to you.

“May I interrupt and have this dance?”

“Of course.” Alexi says with a nervous bow as he places your hand in hers.

Alcina nods her head at him and Alexi shoots you a concerned look before disappearing into the crowd.

“Is everything alright?” Alcina asks after catching a glimpse of the look he shot you.

“Yeah, it’s fine. He saw my scar and freaked out a little, but I promised I’d talk to him later.”

Alcina’s look softens and her gaze travels down to your neck where your hair covers your scar. You can see the guilt in her eyes and you take her hand, placing a kiss across her gloved knuckles. Her eyes meet yours once more and you give her a reassuring smile. She smiles back at you and tucks a stray hair behind your ear.

“May I have this dance, M’lady?”

“You may, draga mea.”

The height difference between you and Alcina makes dancing incredibly difficult and awkward so Alcina leans down to whisper in your ear.

“May I lift you, draga?”

“You may.”

Wrapping an arm around your waist, Alcina lifts you to her height and you have to fight the instinctive urge to wrap your legs around her. She holds you comfortably against her and takes your other hand in hers as she leads the dance. Even though your legs are dangling in the air, it doesn’t feel nearly as ridiculous as you thought it might and you’re still able to sway your body along with hers.

With her forehead pressed against your temple, Alcina whispers in your ear “you look so beautiful tonight, draga. Every time I look at you I feel the need to pinch myself so I know that you are real and not just a figment of my imagination. I know I have said this thousands of times, but I will continue to say it until my very last breath. I am so blessed to have you in my life. As much as you are mine, I am yours. My heart, my soul, everything I am, belongs to you, my love. I love you endlessly. Tu ești luna mea, stelele mele, întregul meu cer de noapte. Însemni mai mult pentru mine decât lumea. Te iubesc.”

(You are my moon, my stars, my entire night sky. You mean more to me than the world. I love you.).

Your heart flutters in your chest and you press yourself into Alcina more, nuzzling into her neck.

“Thank you for putting together such a beautiful night, Alci. I know I didn’t really want a party, but I’ve had so much fun tonight. Thank you so much for doing all of this. You look so beautiful. When I first did my entrance, the first person I saw was Miranda and I was so scared, but I felt you looking at me and the second my eyes met yours, everything and everyone else disappeared. It was just you, and I felt so happy, so safe knowing you were there waiting for me. You’re my protector, my love, my whole heart. If I’m your moon, stars and night sky then you are my sun, my clouds, my beautiful blue sky. I love you Alcina, with all that I have.”

“My darling girl.” Alcina whispers.

Pulling back, you look into her eyes and see the glassiness in them and you’re sure she sees the glassiness in your eyes too. A smile graces her features and you mirror the action. As you look around you see Alexi dancing with the stablehand. Nodding your head, Alcina looks in the direction and sees the two men. She huffs out a laugh and you look at her giving her a “see? Nothing to worry about” look. In response, she rolls her eyes at you and you both laugh as you nuzzle your noses together. As the music ends Alcina presses a kiss to your knuckles and lowers you to the ground.

Dessert is served shortly after and thankfully, the entire crowd doesn’t sing “Happy Birthday.” You’re pretty sure you would pass out if they all did.

The party starts to wind down a bit, some guests leave soon after dessert, your aunt, uncle, and cousins included. As the crowd thins you take the opportunity to grab a bottle of wine and find Alexi.

You’re able to catch him on his way back from the bathroom and you take him by the hand and lead him out of the ballroom, down one of the halls. Finding an outcove that once held a statue, you and Alexi settle yourselves on the ground facing each other as you pass the wine bottle back and forth.

“Holy shit this is good wine.” Alexi says as he takes a swig from the bottle.

“It is world renowned!” You say with a giggle. “She does run a legitimate business, you know.” You reply, taking the bottle back and drinking from it.

“Part of me is actually surprised by that. I always assumed it was a cover.”

“Cover for what?”

“Oh, come on, you know. You knew the rumors that surrounded this place before you got here.”

“Yeah, you’re right.” You say, taking a sip and passing it back.

“So your uncle really just sold you?”

“Pretty much.” You say as you recall the day you first met Alcina. It’s so crazy to you how terrified you were then and where you are now. It almost feels like you’re recalling a memory from someone else. In a way, you are. So much has changed since that day, you’ve changed so much since that day.

“God, he’s such an asshole.” Alexi says as you finish the story.

“Yeah. And he was just as pleasant today.”

“Seriously?”

“Yeah, he basically called me a whore and said it’s a good thing my parents were dead because being with Alcina would have killed them.” You say, playing with the hem of your dress.

“Are you fucking kidding me? He seriously said that to you?”

“Yup.”

“I could kill that asshole.”

“I think Alcina may be in line before you on that one.” You say with a half-hearted chuckle.

“Speaking of, you owe me a ton of answers.”

“I know I do. What do you want to know?”

“Literally everything?”

“I can’t tell you everything.”

“And why the hell not?”

“Because I can’t, there’s some things that are kept secret because it keeps them safe. And honestly, I don’t even know everything. But I’ll tell you as much as I can.”

Alexi rolls his eyes as he takes the bottle from you and drinks.

“Fine.”

You could tell he wasn’t super happy with the fact that you weren’t going to tell him everything so you decided to play a game. For every question you would answer, he would drink. For every question you didn’t answer, you drink. The idea of turning it into a game definitely piqued his interest and he happily agreed. He was also hoping that you would end up drinking enough to spill a few juicy secrets.

The game started out innocently enough, Alexi asked you about how you and Alcina got together, what working at the castle was like. He asks you about your first kiss with Alcina and you tell him how she teased you for a few weeks before finally kissing you. The next question he asked was what your first time in bed together was like and a blush dusts your cheeks.

“Well, it was actually the same night as the kiss.” You say, looking away from him.

“Wait.” He says, pausing as he brings the bottle to his lips. “You kissed her for the first time and let her fuck you for the first time in the same night?”

“Yeah. In my defense she was being a huge tease for weeks! She could have kissed me long before that but she’s like that sometimes.”

“Slut.” He gasps before taking a sip and passing it back to you.

“Shut up.”

“You love me.”

“That I do.” You reply with a laugh.

The wine starts to hit Alexi faster since you’re answering more of his questions than he anticipated and he leans forward.

“So, are the rumors true?”

“Which ones?”

“That she hires virgins and then kills them and drinks their blood. Because virgin blood is better - or something like that.”

You think for a second before responding with a half-honest response. “Not true.”

“Okay, and what’s the real answer?”

“Ugh. Fine. It’s not entirely true. Happy?”

“Then what does she do?”

“She told me ‘virgin blood’ isn’t a real thing.”

“But she kills maids and drinks their blood?”

“Um -”

“OH MY GOD.” He shouts.

“Shut up!” You say as you smack his arm.

In the ballroom, Alcina is saying goodbye to some of the guests when Karl comes up to her.

“Enjoy the party, Gigantor?”

She rolls her eyes at him and crosses her arms.

“I did enjoy myself this evening. I would ask you the same, but solely based on how much of my alcohol you drank, I very well know the answer.”

Karl laughs and the noise grates on Alcina’s nerves.

“I gotta admit, you do know how to throw one hell of a party, even if the formal shit was stuffy.”

“What do you need, Heisenberg?”

“I wanted to wish the birthday girl a happy birthday before I left but I can’t seem to find her anywhere. I thought maybe you already locked her up in your room for the night. With that gown she’s wearing, I’m surprised the two of you made it this far into the night. Unless you two snuck off earlier and -”

“Enough.” Alcina hisses. “I do not know where she is. But she should be seeing her guests out, so I suppose I should go find her.”

“Not like it’ll take you long. You can sniff her out like a bloodhound.”

“Goodnight, Heisenberg.” She says through her teeth before turning away to look for you.

Alcina exits the ballroom and listens for you. Within a few seconds she’s able to hear your voice and a male’s voice. She follows the sound and silently makes her way through the halls of the castle. When your voice gets closer, she recognizes the other voice as Alexi’s. As she nearly reaches the outcove, Alcina hears Alexi ask you if the rumors are real and she freezes. She hears you say “not true” and lets out a breath of relief. The relief she feels doesn’t last long when she hears Alexi call you out on not being entirely truthful and decides to hide in the shadows nearby to listen to the rest of the conversation.

“This is one of those questions that I don’t know the entire answer to, at least I haven’t witnessed it myself.” You say.

Alcina notices the slight uptick in your heartbeat, which means you’re only telling a half-truth, but she lets you continue and keeps her presence hidden.

“But she does drink blood?”

“Yes.”

“Is she a vampire?”

“No.”

“Then why the fuck does she drink blood?”

“I don’t know if I can answer that.” You say, finally taking a sip from the bottle.

“Okay. Have you seen her kill anyone?”

“Uh-”

“Oh my god, you have. Haven’t you?”

“Once.”

“Y/n! She’s a murderer!”

“It’s not what you think!”

“I think she enjoys killing people because she’s a psychopath.”

Alcina clenches her jaw as her anger rises.

“She’s not! And the only time I saw it was because the girl she killed literally almost killed me.”

“Hold the phone, what the fuck?”

“There was this maid, she had worked here for a few years and was Alcina’s handmaiden but Alcina replaced her with me when I got here. She was pissed, like really, really pissed and tried to hurt me a few times. Alcina punished her, gave her warnings, but she didn’t stop. She hurt me a few times and then the final straw was when she pushed me down the stairs. I got really, really hurt. I broke my arm, cracked my head open, it was bad. Alcina saw me at the bottom of the stairs right after it happened and the girl kicked me in the stomach. The maid went to kick me again and well, Alcina stopped her.”

“By killing her?”

“She wasn’t going to stop attacking me. She made it clear that she wanted me dead.” You say with a pleading in your voice for Alexi to understand the gravity of the situation.

“Why kill her? Why not just fire her?”

“I don’t know, probably because she would be dangerous to Alcina and her daughters if she was fired. She knew too much, she was too much of a liability I guess.”

“How many times did she hurt you before?”

“Twice. The first time she cut me with a knife and the second, she tripped me in the dining hall and I hit my head on one of the benches.” You move your hair away to reveal the barely-noticeable scar the accident left. “And she stood over me with a knife and was definitely going to stab me if Alcina didn’t stop her.”

“Holy shit. She really wanted you dead that bad?”

“Yes. She was an actual psychopath. Alcina isn’t.”

“Okay, you haven’t convinced me that she isn’t a bloodthirsty killer, but I guess I get it.” Alexi says as he drinks from the bottle again. “So why is she so gigantic?”

Alcina clenches her jaw at Alexi’s question but stays hidden.

“That ties into why she drinks blood, actually.”

“Come on, can you give me anything?”

You finish taking a sip and take a moment to think.

“Okay, what I can tell you is that she became a Lord because Mother Miranda used her powers from the Black God and gave her and the other Lords a -” You pause to think of the right way to explain it. “Let's call it a gift.”

“And that gift made her nine feet tall and drink blood?”

“Basically.”

“Why aren’t the other Lords that big? Do they drink blood too?”

“They each got different gifts, more or less. And no, at least I don’t think so. The gift affected each one differently. Alcina drinks blood because before she was given it, she was really sick with some kind of blood disease and the gift combined with that created this need for blood and for some reason made her really tall. Why that happened I have no idea.”

“What happens if she doesn’t drink it?”

“I honestly don’t know.”

“Can she control her bloodlust? Or does she lose control?”

Without realizing it, your fingers go to the scar on your neck.

“She can control it.”

Alcina knows you're lying and she closes her eyes, drawing in a deep breath, she tries to ground herself from the shame bubbling up inside her.

“Holy shit.” Alexi says. “You’re lying. She can’t control herself, can she? Is that what happened? She lost control and did that to you?” He says, gesturing to the scar on your neck. His anger and fear starts to show in his voice and you try to calm him.

“No, that’s not - that’s not what happened. It wasn’t her fault!”

“How can you even say that? She did that to you, didn’t she?”

Staring into your lap, you take a breath before answering.

“Yes. She did.”

Alcina clenches and unclenches her fists at her sides. She can feel her shame bubbling into anger and she tries her best to keep herself grounded.

“Then what? It was an accident? She promised that she’d never do it again? You know what that sounds like, don’t you?”

“I know how it sounds!” You yell, startling Alexi. “I know. This is one of those things where I don’t know if I can tell you the whole story.”

“You better tell me everything you can or I’m dragging you out of this castle.”

Alcina growls low in her throat and is about to make herself known until she hears you begin to speak again.

“It’s hard to explain without putting them in danger. But Alexi, it wasn’t her fault. She didn’t lose control on her own. She was pushed past her breaking point. Never for a moment did she ever want to hurt me.” You say as your eyes begin to fill with tears. “Alcina loves me. I know you have a hard time believing it, but she does. I’ve seen a side of her that I don’t know if she’s ever shown anyone else. Yes, she’s this tall, imposing, intimidating, scary woman to some people. But I don’t see that when I look at her. When I look at her, I see the woman who cradled me every time I was hurt. The flirt who teased me for weeks before taking me to bed. The one who knows me better than I know myself some days. Yes, she’s hurt me. More than just physically. But she’s beaten herself up so many times and has gone above and beyond to make it up to me. When I look at her, I see the woman who lets me see the most vulnerable parts of herself. After I got this scar, she took care of me. She sobbed over me for hours. Alexi, she hated herself for what she did. She still hasn’t forgiven herself.”

“Have you forgiven her?”

“Yes.”

“Why did she get pushed past her breaking point? You make it sound like someone else did it.”

“Because someone else did.”

“Who? Was it the person that’s a problem you wouldn’t tell me about earlier?”

“Yes.”

“You need to tell me who.”

You look down at your lap. This is one of those questions you’re not sure if you’re putting Alexi, yourself, or anyone else in danger by answering truthfully. But you also know that your best friend will never trust you again if you don’t tell him. Taking a deep inhale, you exhale the answer in a quiet breath.

“Mother Miranda.”

Alcina clenches her jaw. She was not happy that you told Alexi that Mother Miranda was the cause of the events that day. It’s her gut-instinct to protect Mother Miranda’s image, to praise her and pledge loyalty to her, always. This gut instinct was something that never quite sat right with Alcina deep down, but until you came along she was able to shove those feelings aside so effortlessly she forgot they once existed. Now, it stares her in the face every day. Even though she’s not able to completely admit it to herself, each interaction with the Holy Mother is worse and worse. For now, she lets your conversation continue as the war inside of her rages on.

The silence that followed was not something you were expecting from Alexi, so you raise your eyes to see him staring at you wide-eyed and in shock.

“Are you serious?”

“Yes.”

“What did she do?”

“I can’t tell you. But please, trust me. Do not underestimate her. She is powerful, insanely powerful and I don’t know if anything could really ever stop her. But Alexi, you can’t tell anyone that she is dangerous. If she finds out that you are going against her she will have you killed or worse. I can’t lose you. So please, just keep doing what you’ve been doing. Go to the weekly mass, say the prayers, don’t make yourself a target, please.”

“I won’t. I promise.” He says as he takes a sip from the bottle and hands it back to you.

“Thank you.”

“So you really love her?”

Alcina’s ears perk up, the internal battle being set aside once again for now.

“Yes. I love her so much.”

“You think you’ll marry her?”

“I honestly don’t know. I have no idea how that would work, or if we would even be able to. But even if we didn’t, I would be happy spending the rest of my life with her in any way I could.”

Laying her hand over her heart, Alcina smiles at your response. She wants nothing more than to spend the rest of your mortal life with you. It fills her with such warmth and happiness knowing that you feel the same way.

“Will you ever get the gift?”

“Oh god no.”

“Why not?”

“Well, Mother Miranda is the one who gives them and first, she doesn’t like me nearly enough for me to become a Lord or something. Secondly, it doesn’t always work.”

“What do you mean?”

“Sometimes people are given the ‘gift’ and bad things happen. They die, or worse.”

“What’s worse?”

“Something worse than death.”

“The only thing that’s worse than death would be becoming a lycan and -” Alexi stops and his jaw drops. “Oh my god. Is that what’s been happening to the villagers that become lycans? She does that to them?”

“I can’t tell you.” You say, but the look you give him lets him know the truth. He goes to speak and you cut him off. “Alexi none of this can ever be repeated. Okay?”

“Alright, I promise, I won’t tell anyone.” He says, taking a sip of the bottle.

At this point, the two of you are just passing the bottle back and forth. The game you started out playing has long been abandoned.

“I can’t believe you really love her.” Alexi says.

“I know, I never expected it, but I do. I really, really do.”

Alexi goes to speak but is interrupted by the bells ringing, signaling the new hour. Alcina takes this as the perfect opportunity to make her presence known. The sound of her heels on the marble floors reaches the two of you and you both freeze. When she stands in front of the alcove, you and Alexi stare up at her like a pair of kids who were caught doing something they shouldn’t. Your cheeks burn with the slight embarrassment of being caught and Alexi looks terrified.

“Well, well. What do we have here?” She asks as she eyes the two of you.

“H-hey.” You say with a sheepish smile. “Nothing, we were just catching up.”

“Mhm. Catching up with a bottle of my wine?” Alcina asks as she grabs the bottle and inspects the label. Noticing it’s one of her better wines, she rolls her eyes and shakes her head at you. “As if Heisenberg hasn’t gone through enough of my good wine and liquor tonight. Where did you even get this from?”

“I’ll tell you but you promise you won’t get mad?”

Rolling her eyes at you, she reluctantly agrees. “Yes, I will not get mad.”

“I took it from a servant who was about to start passing out wine.”

“What a bad girl you are, draga.” Alcina says with a hint of teasing in her tone. Your heartbeat picks up when she calls you ‘bad girl’ and she smirks when she hears it. “Some of your guests are leaving and are requesting your presence.”

“Oh okay.” You say, shooting Alexi an apologetic look.

As you go to stand you stumble. The moment you stand up the wine decides to hit you all at once. Alcina moves to grab you and keep you steady with a firm grasp around your waist. Holding onto her arm for dear life, you can’t help but giggle.

“I think I might be a little too drunk to say goodbye right now.” You say as your giggling fit continues.

“Yes, it does seem that way.” Alcina says with a smile.

Alexi goes to stand and you offer him your hand. He’s a little wobbly when he stands, but still more stable than you are. Alcina gives him a look to leave and once he’s steady on his feet, he clears his throat.

“I should probably head back down to the party.”

“Okay.” You say with a smile.

Alexi gives you a hug before he leaves but Alcina’s hand stays firm at your side.

“So,” You begin to say, turning towards Alcina. “How much of that conversation did you hear?”

“Enough.”

“Are you mad at me?”

“No, draga. I am not.”

“Well that’s go-”

Alcina lifts you in her arms and pins you against the wall. Before you know it, her lips crash into yours and she kisses you fiercely. Your head spins, and not from the wine, and you moan into her mouth.

Once you need to breathe, Alcina pulls away but stays close enough so her nose nuzzles against yours.

“You look so incredibly beautiful tonight, draga. I’ve been waiting to do this since the moment I laid eyes on you.”

Before you can even respond, her lips are on yours again and her tongue is parting your lips, dancing with yours. One of her hands rests on the back of your head and you wrap your arms around her neck.

Her lips leave yours again and Alcina keeps you close.

“I love you so much, iubirea mea. I will never let any harm come to you ever again.” She begins to kiss down your jaw. “I will never let anyone hurt you. No one will ever harm you again.”

“I’m guessing you heard -”

“Yes.” She breaths, her hot breath ghosting across your flush skin. “You are mine.” Alcina’s kisses travel down your neck. “Mine. Mine and no one else’s. No one will ever lay a hand on you again.”

Arching your neck to give her more access, the dizziness from the wine evaporates into love and lust for the woman pressed against you.

“I’m yours, Alcina. Only yours. Forever.”

A growl rips through Alcina’s throat and she holds you tighter, even more possessively. Her purring grows louder and you can tell that your words are stirring up a lot of feelings in both Alcina and her dragon.

“Mine.” She growls.

“Yours.”

Pulling back from your skin, Alcina’s eyes are a bright golden yellow. They capture your attention, unable to look away from the molten gold in her irises. Alcina begins to pull you away from the wall and you notice she takes off in the opposite direction of the ballroom.

“But the guests -”

“To hell with them.” She growls low. “I am taking you to bed. Right this instant before I rip that beautiful dress off of your body in this hallway.” Your cheeks redden more, and not from the alcohol. “Unless you would prefer for me to take you right here.”

“N-no.” You stutter, caught off guard by her statement. “The bedroom sounds lovely.”

Alcina raises an eyebrow at you and smirks. Her golden eyes are swirling with love, lust, and a pure desire, a nearly animalistic need to be close to you in every way possible. The look in her eye stirs up a heat in your belly and you cling to her tighter, eager with anticipation as the two of you reach her chamber doors.

#willalove75 #lady dimitrescu #alcina dimitrescu #lady dimitrescu x reader #re8 alcina #re8 lady dimitrescu #re8 fanfiction #re8 village #re8 #resident evil

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passionwillow · 6 months ago

Text

Be Mine - David “Deacon” Kay

I had too much fun with this and it was way longer than I expected. 😭 I hope the sweet anon who requested this enjoys!

Summary: You’re a babysitter for David “Deacon” Kay’s kids, and Deacon decided he wants you to be more than that.

Warnings: Smut. 18+! Age gap, reader is mid-late twenties and Deacon is 47. Race inclusive and plus sized reader inclusive.

You hugged the crying child to your chest and gently rocked her, the dim light from the little girls princess lamp filling the bright pink bedroom.

Victoria clung to your blue hoodie and sniffled quietly, and you kissed the top of her head before laying her back down, pulling her pink comforter over her and smiling softly. "Did the bad dream go away, honey?"

The little girl looked up at you and nodded, and you smiled as you gave her one of her teddy bears and kissed her head. "Now remember. As long you as you have Mr. Teddy there, nothing can hurt you. I won't let the monsters get you either."

Victoria looked up at you with wide eyes and nodded seriously, and you had to try and hide your grin as she clung tighter to the bear. You leaned down and kissed her forehead before getting up, turning back to the door way to leave and smiling when you saw Deacon standing there. You hadn't even heard him come home.

You'd been babysitting for David Kay for almost 10 months now. You were best friends with Jim Street and after quiting your last job, needed something to tide you over.

Annie had left Deac and the kids unexpectedly around that time, and he was reeling from hurt and confusion, and had 4 kids now he had to try and care for on his own. Street introduced the two of you and you were happy to help him. The pay was generous, the kids were all sweethearts, and it didn't hurt that he was gorgeous.

Old enough to be your father? Sure. But it didn't hurt to look. Not to mention he was always nice to you. He'd have you stay for dinner with him and the kids, and he always lended a helping hand when something broke at your house, or you just needed someone to confide in about your own struggles. Two parents with poor health was hard on you, and he always lended a shoulder to lean on.

You walked over to him and smiled in greeting, looking back over your shoulder to where Victoria was already fast asleep, burrowed under her pink blanket. Deacon gazed at his daughter with so much affection it warmed your heard, gently taking your arm and guiding you out of the bedroom, quietly closing the door.

"She have a bad dream again?" His voice was quiet as he led you down the hallway, making his way down the stairs and heading for the kitchen. You followed his long stride and nodded, speaking more freely once you guys were away from the kids doors.

"Yeah, it's the same one every time. A man in this closet." You sat down at the island in the middle of the kitchen, watching Deacon grab two beers from the fridge before sitting next to you, handing you one as he smiled. "You handled it pretty well. Even I can't get her calmed down that quick." You took the beer with a quiet thank you and sipped it, smiling at his words and shrugging.

"I remember what it was like, being a kid and being scared. I think it's more she just wants someone with her. Doesn't like being in there alone." Deacon rested his elbows on the countertop and listened, his brown eyes on you as he nodded. "Well you do a great job. Not just her- all of the kids. They've been a lot happier since you came around."

You felt a blush warm your cheeks as you smiled, ducking your head and picking a string off your black leggings, shrugging. "I just treat them like I would my own. I love them, a lot. They're the sweetest kids, and you're a pretty alright boss." You looked back up at him and grinned, and you were surprised to see Deacon actually grin in return.

He bumped his shoulder into yours, and you laughed lightly before sipping your beer, turning to face him on the stool and holding the beer in your lap. "I mean it, you know. These kids are amazing, and I love being here with them. I know you worry about how much time it takes from me, but.. I don't really have anything else I'd rather be doing."

Deacon kept his eyes on yours as he listened to your words, turning to face you and bumping his knees into yours, his face softening as he smiled and nodded to your words. "I can tell how much you love them. I see it every time you interact with them. And it means a lot that they.. Have someone to look up to you like you. They love you a lot too, you know."

Deacons words warmed your heart and you couldn't stop the grin that spread over your face, looking down at the bottle in your lap. 'I'm happy to hear that."

Deacon watched you with a smile and hesitated, a conflict happening in his head you weren’t even aware of. He leaned forward and rested his hand on your knee, the touch soft as his thumb stroked gently over your leg. “The kids aren’t the only ones happy you’re here. I am too.”

Your skin heated at his touch and you hoped he couldn’t hear how fast your heart was beating now. You glanced at his hand on your leg, his strong hands surprisingly gentle and Christ, why were his hands even attractive?

You lifted your gaze to his and blushed, eyes unable to leave his brown ones as you smiled, his expression one of sincere gratitude and.. Something else you couldn’t make out.

The two of you stayed like this for a moment, his hand on your knee and your eyes locked together, Deacon trying to judge your expression and if you were even interested in him, like he was you.

You bit your lip instinctively and Deacons gaze dropped your mouth, his beer abandoned on the counter as he leaned in ever so slightly, his eyes holding a million questions as he looked at you, your stomach doing flips.

A thrill ran through you as you realized what he was looking for, some sort of sign that you wanted him to close that gap, were praying for it. You couldn’t help but lean in as well, and Deacon took the signal, closing the gap and pressing his lips into yours.

His hand left your knee as both came up to cradle your face, surprisingly gently and soft, giving you the opportunity to pull back if you wanted to.

No chance in hell of that.

His scruff scratched at your mouth as you kissed back happily, somewhat eager, your hands holding his wrists as his lips moved softly with yours. You almost didn’t notice him move off the stool, his knee gently nudging your legs apart so he could stand between them, towering over you now as he pulled back.

You followed his lips before finally sitting back, your eyes bright and cheeks pink as you looked up at him, his own eyes shining as he studied your expression, relaxing when he found no sign of regret. “That wasn’t.. very professional of me, was it?”

You couldn’t help but grin at his words, biting back a laugh as you squeezed his wrists, his hands still holding your face. “Maybe not, but.. I enjoyed it.” He matched your grin and leaned back in, kissing you with more enthusiasm as his hands moved. One hand slid into your hair, holding the back of your head as the other moved to your waist, anchoring you to him as he kissed you with so much affection it made your heart skip.

Your lips molded to his with enthusiasm, moving your hands to his chest and gently grabbing at his shirt as he guided you to stand, shifting you until he had you pressed up against the counter.

His toned body pressed into yours, his hips pinning you to the counter as you moaned slightly into his mouth. His tongue flicked over your bottom lip, asking permission to taste you.

You opened up willing to him, tongue brushing his and moaning faintly as he pressed harder into you, his hips grinding into yours. You pushed back eagerly and hummed at the friction, Deacon pulling back to kiss and bite at your neck, breathing quick as he ground harder into you. Your core tingled and you clenched around nothing, your wetness already starting to soak your panties.

"Shit-.. Y/N, babygirl." Your eyes slid closed as you melted into him, biting back a moan as his teeth dug into the pulse point of your neck, your voice soft and trembling. "David.. Deac. Please." He pulled back and looked down at you, eyes dark and full of lust, licking his lips. "Are you sure?"

You nodded quickly and tugged at his shirt, Deac smiling at your approval and taking your hand, leading you back through the living room and up the stairs. You tried not to be obvious as you stared at the bulge in his pants, your core tingling as you followed up the stairs to his bedroom.

He tugged you into his room and nudged the door closed with his boot, pulling you back in and pressing his lips to yours in a heated kiss. His hands slipped under your hoodie as he moved blindly to the bed, pulling back enough to pull off your top.

He let out a throaty groan as he eyed your chest, nothing underneath your hoodie but you black bra. His eyes found yours in the dim room and he gently pushed you down on the bed, pulling off his own shirt before crawling over you, covering your body with his own. His lips latched back onto your neck and you knew you'd have a hickey by the morning. Or multiple.

You wrapped your arms around him and slid a hand into his silver locks, tugging slightly as you moaned at his bites, hips bucking to grind into his. "De-.. Please, I need you." You felt his smile against your neck and looked up at him as he pulled back, sitting up between your legs and grabbing the waistband of you legs, tugging them down and off in one smooth motion. He eyed your black panties and hooked a finger in the waistband, tugging gently and letting it snap back against your skin.

You jumped slightly at the sting and matched his grin, lifting your hips so he could pull them down. He tossed them comically over his shoulder and eyed your glistening core, cursing softly under his breath. "Fuck, baby.. You look so fucking good."

You blushed and sat up, pressing soft kisses to his chest as you undid his belt buckle, tugging at the leather and mumbling. "Wanna feel you." He ran his hand through your hair and tugged gently as you nipped at his skin, his breathing picking up as he mumbled. "All yours, baby."

You tugged his belt loose and popped the button, looking up into his eyes as you pushed his jeans and briefs down, freeing his cock. Deacon bit his lip and tightened his grip in your hair, a soft groan slipping past his lips as you gently grabbed his cock and stroked it slowly.

Deacons eyes closed as his hips thrust slightly into your fist, swearing softly before gently pushing you back on the bed, getting up and pushing his jeans and briefs off the rest of the way. "I can't wait."

You laid back against the pillows and grinned as you watched him, eagerly wrapping your legs around his waist as he crawled back over you. The tip of his cock nudged your entrance as he kissed over your chest, hand slipping under you and unclasping your bra, tugging it off and throwing it blindly behind him.

You arched up into his mouth with a soft whine, Deacon smiling against your skin and looking back up at you, voice tinged with need. "Are you sure you want this?" His concern sent a wave of affection over you, and you nodded quickly as he smiled and pressed his lips to yours, cock easing into you.

The stretch from his cock sent a jolt of pain and pleasure up your spine, and you moaned against his lips. He nipped at your bottom lip and pulled back, eyes on yours as he cursed. "Jesus, you're so fucking tight."

Your cheeks heated at his words, and your legs tightened around his hips as he eased further into you, your wetness soaking his shaft. You moaned loudly and Deacon pressed his lips to yours, silencing you as he pushed further, the delicious burn causing your back to arch.

"Shh, baby.. Just a little more." You whimpered at his words and dug your nails into his back, clawing as he fit into you with a throaty moan, his forehead on your shoulder. Both of you panted as he stilled, giving you time to adjust to his size. His eyes found yours in the dim room and he nudged your cheek with his nose, voice low. “You’re so fucking beautiful.”

You blushed at his words and kissed along his stubbled jaw, nipping and mumbling. “Baby- move. Please.” He smiled at your request and eased out of you, pushing back in with a grunt and beginning to thrust slow and steady.

You tightened your legs around his hips and whimpered, both of you now tangled up in his bed. His hips met yours with a soft smack and your panting breaths and moans mixed in the air, both of you trying to keep quiet for the kids sleeping in the house.

It wasn’t long before both of you were coming undone, your walls fluttering around his cock as you bit down on his shoulder, cumming with a muffled moan.

Deacon kept his pace steady, thrusting through your orgasm as his own approached, groaning deeply as his nails dug into your hip. “Fuck, baby.. Where do you..” His question hung in the air and you whimpered at the overstimulation, thighs trembling and toes curling.

“In me. C-Cum inside me.” His gaze darkened and he thrust into you deeper and harder, slamming in suddenly and cumming undone with a moan. You moaned weakly at the feel of him filling you, eyes rolling back as his forehead fell to your shoulder.

You both went slump into the bed, Deacon slipping out before laying beside you and closing his eyes, arm over his forehead. You caught your breath and looking over at him, Deacon already gazing at you with caution. Like you might have regretted it.

You smiled reassuringly and rolling over, snuggling into his side and kissing his cheek. “I hope this means I’m getting a promotion.” You grinned teasingly and stroked his cheek, and Deacon laughed, kissing your forehead. “You definitely did.”

#swat #swat cbs #swat x reader #deacon kay smut #deacon kay x reader #deacon kay #dominique luca

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