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sunsetsover · 5 years ago

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I'd love to hear more of your thoughts on Ben having BPD

ok WHEW you just opened a fucking can of worms this about to be the longest post i’ve ever made i hope you have your seatbelt on

let me just preface this by saying nearly everything i talk abt in this post will be based off of my personal experiences w bpd. some people experience it differently, some people might not agree w some of the things i say, but i can only talk abt my own pov. therefore, this just my own personal opinions on ben having bpd. so yh lmao

and disclaimer!! i’m not a doctor!! don’t take anything i say in this post as diagnostic criteria! i’m not an expert or mental health professional!! when it comes to your own mental health or the mental health of ppl in your life, do not consider me a source to reference like ‘oh well lauren sunsetsover said xyz’ like pls just don’t do that. do your own research. and most importantly consult a doctor!!!!!! i am not one!!!!!!!!!

also there are very few sources in this post bc most of this is just shit i’ve absorbed over the years from doctors and doing my own research lmao

now that’s out of the way let’s go! (this became part character study, part informational masterpost on bpd. also it got really fuckin long, hence the read more, so be warned lmao)

warning for potentially triggering content (abuse/mentions of suicide and self harm - nothin too bad but i do touch on ben’s behaviour and history, and this is a p serious mental health issue we’re talking abt here so! take care of yourselves!!)

ok so! some things to keep in mind before we even get to ben:

i believe (at least in the uk) borderline personality disorder is considered to be an outdated name, and one that essentially isn’t appropriate or fit for purpose anymore, so in my experience, a lot of the time now it’s referred to as eupd (emotionally unstable personality disorder) in medical settings. which is way more apt name imo, and tells you more abt what bpd actually is (but i still call it bpd bc it’s easier and ppl know what that is lmao). so like. emotionally unstable personality disorder. i bet that conjures up a way more vivid idea in ur head than borderline personality disorder does.

no one 100% knows what causes bpd, though it’s thought to be a combination of genetic and environmental factors, like most things. but the general consensus is that bpd develops when something (usually traumatic, but not always in an extreme sense. ppl w bpd have often been victims of some type of abuse in their childhood, but that’s not necessarily always the case) happens in your childhood that impacts the development of your personality. kind of a bizarre metaphor but hopefully it will help u understand: u know how in finding nemo, the egg nemo was in got damaged by the shark? and even tho the damage looked minor, it actually meant that one of his fins was permanently damaged - it was malformed, it didn’t grow right, he couldn’t use it properly? well imagine the fin = the personality; that’s what happens to a person w bpd’s personality. smth happens to us in our childhood that permanently damages our personality, and so it doesn’t grow and develop properly as the rest of us does, making it less functional than an average person’s. u can imagine how that can lead to all sorts of problem (we’ll get to them later)

but bc it’s a mental disorder that affects the personality, you can’t be diagnosed w bpd until you’re 18, when your personality is basically developed fully (i believe it can be diagnosed slightly younger, but those are rare and extreme cases). however, symptoms can start to present themselves earlier, as ur personality begins to develop and mature. (mine started presenting in my early teens)

bpd doesn’t really go away, and treatment with medication generally isn’t effective for long periods of time. however symptoms can be treated with continued therapy, and symptoms sometimes can start to ease as you get older!!

bpd also gets misdiagnosed a lot bc a lot of the symptoms are similar to that of other mental health problems. the biggest one it gets misdiagnosed as seems to be bipolar disorder, which i get tbh. i’ve always considered bpd very similar to bipolar, just like… quicker cycles. there are even memes about it. also bpd has a tendency to coexist w other mental health issues, which makes it harder to recognise and diagnose.

so now lets look at this from a diagnostic perspective

in order to be diagnosed w bpd you basically have to deemed, by a medical professional, to be meet certain criteria, and to have been meeting these certain criteria for a significant amount of time. there are some variations to this criteria, and proposed subtypes and basically different flavours of borderlines but i’m not even gonna go there. i’m just gonna talk abt what i’m most familiar w and how i think that applies to ben.

i’m copying and pasting the diagnostic criteria part from here bc as far as i’m aware this is the criteria doctors use for diagnosis. there are 9 different ‘indicators’/’criteria’, and you have to display or meet at least 5 of them in order to be considered for a bpd diagnosis:

1. Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment

this is one of, if not the biggest part of bpd. that trauma i mentioned earlier? often stems from or is related to abandonment, or perceived abandonment, in childhood, be it physical or emotional. for example, a child that’s being abused by one parent might feel abandoned by the other parent if they don’t do anything about it, even if the second parent has no idea the abuse is going on. sound familiar? a similar thing happened to ben, with stella. phil not doing anything about the abuse ben was facing at the hands of stella - even though he didn’t know it was happening, even though phil did do something once he found out - was an abandonment to ben. and that’s just the tip of the abandonment iceberg for ben - kathy faking her death and leaving him was an abandonment (even when he thought she was actually dead), phil’s own abuse was an abandonment, as was his reaction when ben came out, and so on. and abandonment like that skews your thinking so you believe that everyone is going to abandon you, sooner or later, that they must be abandoning you for a reason, you must be a terrible person, you must be unworthy of people’s effort/time/love etc etc.

even when paul died, that was an abandonment to ben! like logically we know - and ben probably knows too - that paul didn’t want to die, he didn’t want to leave ben, he didn’t deliberately leave ben. but that doesn’t matter. mental illness is illogical, bpd is illogical, esp when it comes to abandonment. e.g. my therapist had to cancel a few of our appointments once bc she was ill, and it felt like an abandonment. like it was personal somehow, like she wasn’t coming into work bc of me, bc i was too much work, too hard to handle. ofc that wasn’t true, but that’s how it felt. it’s illogical. so ofc my solution was to just not go to my appointments even when she came back, bc like what other response is there lmao. it’s just that everything a person does feels personal, like it’s because of/about you, even when it isn’t. even when it has nothing to do w you. that’s probably why ben can come across at selfish at times, like he’s making everything about him. because it is all about him, in his mind. everything is because of him, is his doing, his fault etc. his way of thinking is skewed into thinking like that, bc shit keeps happening to him and ppl keep leaving him, so it must be his fault.

and!! ‘frantic efforts’ isn’t necessarily what u think it is!! it can be desperate begging ‘i’ll do anything to keep you in my life’ type actions, but it just as equally can be lashing out and abandoning someone in order to prevent them from abandoning u first - a ‘get them before they get me’ mentality (the whole scene where phil was in the hospital comes to mind - the ‘why doesn’t he love me back?’ was the more desperate part of him, tho it wasn’t necessarily an ‘effort’ per se, but then him trying to kill his dad basically in order to have the abandonment be at least on his own terms? that’s lashing out, and def qualifies as a ‘frantic effort’ lmao). and how often do we see that in ben? lashing out at jay in the hospital because he knew he was mad at him, and he’d rather hurt jay physically before he could hurt him emotionally? ben trying to support callum and showing him kindness, only to turn around and threaten to out him when he finds out callum asked stuart to sort him out? everything that happened w his dad, trying to fuck him over before his dad can get there first, trying to get rid of keanu so he can’t be abandoned in favour of him (although that didn’t really work, but it rarely does work the way u want it to lmao). and the biggest one to me, though probably one that people have already forgotten, is him breaking up w that guy he was seeing in newcastle even tho they were into each other bc he ‘had to, otherwise [he] would have ruined his life’. even tho we don’t really get details, that says it all to me. it’s v much a pattern that’s present in ben.

2. A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by extremes between idealization and devaluation (also known as “splitting”)

i feel like this one doesn’t need much explaining lmao

here is a definition of splitting from here (which is a very good article on splitting imo if u wanna read more abt it): ‘Splitting is a term used in psychiatry to describe the inability to hold opposing thoughts, feelings, or beliefs. Some might say that a person who splits sees the world in terms of black or white, all or nothing. It’s a distorted way of thinking in which the positive or negative attributes of a person or event are neither weighed nor cohesive.’

a little explanation of it from me: ppl w bpd can sometimes have very simplistic, all or nothing views on things. and splitting is basically when ur opinion on something or someone changes very quickly (sometimes instantly), often to an extreme (e.g. going from loving and idolizing someone, to absolutely fucking hating them, or from having a neutral opinion on something to suddenly becoming extremely angry abt it) sometimes without even having an identifiable trigger. it links into black and white thinking, which u may have heard of before - u either love someone and they can do no wrong, or u hate them and they disgust you. either something is amazing or it’s terrible. there is no grey area, no in between. it goes back into the whole ‘not being able to regulate ur emotions properly’ thing lmao there’s rarely nuances to our emotions or feelings, we’re all or nothing a lot of the time. so splitting is when ur opinion rapidly changes to one of these extremes. sometimes u can even go back and forth, splitting over and over on the same person/thing which is super fun.

ben splits on his dad all the time. all the fucking time. he doesn’t care about phil at all and wants to ruin him, then he wants phil’s approval and to be welcomed back into the family fold and the business. then ben hates him and wants him dead, then 5 minutes later he wants his love, wants to be a good son again. that’s splitting. u can also see it w jay, too, but no where near as extreme as w his dad. and i’ve seen it a couple of times w callum too, but again, it’s way more subtle. u probably wouldn’t notice it if u weren’t looking for it, whereas w phil it’s obvious.

but like i don’t need to explain ‘unstable and intense interpersonal relationships’, do i? just look at the relationships w phil, w jay, w lola, w callum, even w paul - they were unstable back when they first got together, and were arguably kind of intense too. (he settled a bit w paul, but his death/perceived abandonment fucked him up a lot beyond the expected ways). he’s always arguing w the ppl he loves. he tried to get poor billy killed, and yet since then he’s had no problem w him!! none of his relationships - apart from maybe his mum and ian (i don’t include lexi bc she’s a child) - are stable. and i would definitely describe his relationships as intense lmao

3. Identity disturbance: Markedly or persistently unstable self-image or sense of self

u can see this most - as most things - in his relationship w his dad. he fluctuates between seeming to know his worth (and demanding other people know it too), knowing he deserves his dad’s love and approval (why else would he be so mad abt the fact hes not getting it, if not bc he knows he’s worthy of it? if he didn’t think so, he wouldn’t be so angry abt not getting it - he’d be accepting/understanding, wouldn’t he?) and being desperate to do anything to get his dad’s love/approval, even things that are below him, turning into a child, begging to know why his dad doesn’t love him, why he’s never been enough. that scene where phil had found out abt ben trying to frame keanu and leaving him for dead is the epitome of this. u can see ben fluctuate between a hurt, traumatized little boy, begging his dad for some answers, some explanation as to why he’s not enough, begging him not to start drinking again, and a man who is angry, angry at his dad, angry at himself for crumbling like this, bc he should be stronger than this. u see him change multiple times in that one single scene. go watch it again. you’ll see it too.

some more examples: his absolute certainty that he is better and more qualified than the likes of shirley and keanu for working with his dad, and then being like ‘my dad was right, i’m good for no one’ - they don’t line up. does he have self esteem and know his worth or not? also his entire relationship w callum is an example of this - all those changes in his attitude towards cal and their situation? he often treats callum like they’re equals who understand each other, yet sometimes it seems like he thinks he’s superior to callum (e.g. the scene outside the cafe), and others he behaves (keyword) as though he thinks he’s not good enough for callum (why else would he just take all that shit from whitney and not say anything in retaliation? why, if not because he deems it more important that callum has an easier time of it than he does; that he regards cal’s comfort more important than his own? and why would he do that, if he held himself in such high regards? i mean he certainly acts like it sometimes, so why not then?)

also like……. who is ben? is he the bastard who cares about no one but himself, who’s always causing trouble not only for himself but for the people he cares about? is he the guy who just completely folds when people he knows hurtle abuse at him, accepting it lying down, who thinks he’s no good for anyone? the guy who goes out all night and drinks himself silly and purposefully gets himself into fights? the guy who shows callum so much empathy even tho it brings him nothing but pain, who loves jay unconditionally, who tried so hard to help bobby when he came back from prison? which one is he? which one does he want to be? does he even know?

(and you could argue that people are just multi-dimensional, but there’s just such a vast gap between these different facets of ben’s character and he can flip through them so fast it’s jarring, which is why i think it’s more like he straight up doesn’t have a consistent sense of self. which is a big part of bpd)

4. Impulsive behavior in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating)

again, does this need explaining?

doing illegal shit, excessively drinking, becoming unnecessarily violent, fucking up his relationships, just generally doing reckless things regardless of the consequences - this has always been a part of ben’s character.

(his constant hook ups could be another one, but the jury’s still out on that one. if anything it’s less the sex that worries me and more the flippant attitude he has when meeting up w ppl - they could be anyone and do all sorts, at the end of the day)

it became most obvious recently around the anniversary of paul’s death - drinking himself sick, gambling all his money away, deliberately starting fights. but even before that and since then it’s been there.

it’s basically just a way to self sabotage.

i feel like this one isn’t a consistent part of ben’s behaviour like the others are, but it is undeniably there, so.

5. Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-harming behavior

although ben (to my knowledge) hasn’t displayed any suicidal behaviour, he has at times spoken in ways that could kind of sway that way. (i’m no good for anyone, i’m not worth it, why do you care etc)

also self harming!!! just because he doesn’t hurt himself in a direct way doesn’t mean he doesn’t deliberately put himself in situations where he’ll get hurt, and that is self harm!! letting stuart beat him at pride was self harm!! picking that fight w those homophobes at e20 was self harm!!! drinking to excess is a form of self harm!!! putting himself in harm’s way, even if he doesn’t get hurt, is self harm!!!! just bc he might not be self harming in the traditional sense doesn’t mean he’s not hurting himself!!! this one has been on my mind for so long!!!! oh my god!!!!! he absolutely has a pattern of self harming/self destructive behaviours, and just a general disregard for his own safety and well being!!!! the fact that it doesn’t worry more ppl in his life is so upsetting to me!!!!!!

6. Emotional instability in reaction to day-to-day events (e.g., intense episodic sadness, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days)

aka the biggest part of bpd: pt 2

i feel like this definition doesn’t really do justice to this aspect of bpd. this is basically you literally having no control of your emotions. ‘day-to-day events’ have fuck all to do with it half the time. u could be sitting there minding ur business and all of a sudden you wanna smash up the entire room, for seemingly no reason. one time i was crying - like uncontrollably sobbing, a complete mess - and had been for maybe half an hour? and then all of a sudden, literally mid sob, it stopped. like it just stopped. i was done, i wasn’t sad anymore. i went from inconsolably crying to perfectly fine in a split second. can you even imagine that? it’s fucking crazy. that’s what having bpd is like. it’s like mood swings x1000 (that’s why i describe it like bipolar on a smaller scale - their mood swings last days/weeks/months, ours last minutes/hours, sometimes days but not often). you can be fine, then all of a sudden you’re not. or you can be not fine, and then all of a sudden you are. you can be ecstatic, then all of a sudden all the joy gets sucked out of ur body n u wanna die. then 5 mins later ur fine again. u can cycle thru every single human emotion in the space of a few hours with no warning whatsoever. u can go from feeling so many emotions u don’t know which one to focus on to feeling none at all. it’s exhausting. so yes ‘day-to-day events’ (this can be as minor as the way someone speaks to you, or not enjoying ur food as much as u thought u would, and it can make u terrifyingly sad or spark uncontrollable rage in u) can trigger it, but it’s like… at least that’s kind of justifiable. most of the time u just cannot regulate, control or predict ur emotions whatsoever. and often the emotions u do feel are not appropriate for the situation at hand lmao

on top of that, ppl w bpd have massive problems processing their emotions. while most ppl have the capacity to identify what they’re feeling and why, ppl w bpd often can’t. and bc they can’t identify it properly, they don’t know how to process it. that’s why emotions and feelings are so often black and white - we might develop the ability to recognise Big Emotions, like love and hate, happiness and sadness etc, but we can’t figure out the smaller, nuanced emotions. it becomes or, not and.

this is also why our emotions feel so big and all encompassing!! we can’t ignore our emotions!! they are our focus in a lot of ways. when ur sad, it feels like the world is ending, every single time. when ur happy, ur euphoric and nothing else matters, and so on. every emotion has the volume turned up to 100. that’s why our emotions sometimes come out in extreme or unhealthy ways - our emotions often feel so big we have such a hard time handling them. so we go to drastic lengths, whatever they may be, to cope.

(also bc most ppl w bpd are victims of abuse, we’re often hyperaware of other people’s moods, which can impact ours. someone can be annoyed for some innocuous, innocent reason, and yet bc we can sense it, we become scared or defensive and may lash out.)

and ben… little old ben, have u ever seen him have a rational reaction to anything in his life? how often have we seen him have an appropriate response to smth? my dad is shit, so i have to destroy him. failing that, i have to kill him. oh, my brother isn’t gonna let kill him? time to punch him in the face. my daughter ate all my cereal? it’s Overreaction Time. (this one in particular is Very Me like yes lexi is a child and he was unfair but my 7 year old cousin once drank all my j2os and i almost had a breakdown so i Get It) i’m feeling like shit? time to antagonise these homophobes until they beat me in the middle of the street. i sleep with this man once? time to get overly involved. he shows me a little bit of love and kindness? time to develop feelings for him despite him insisting he’s straight, the fact that he’s with a woman and i have been harassed and beaten by his homophobic family multiple times. but it isn’t going the way i wanted it to? time to impulsively hit him for not knowing what he wants, then immediately regret it.

and like. he went from crying his eyes out in his dad’s kitchen to threatening kat slater within the span of what, 10 minutes? he went from trying to kill his dad, to falling tf apart w jay, to trying to manipulate his dad - who had just woken up from a coma - for his own gain again, in the span of maybe an hour. if that doesn’t say rapid cycling, inconsistent emotions idk what does.

like idk enough about the old bens to say if this is a consistent characteristic of his or not (although based on the fact he killed a woman bc he was angry w his dad, i’d say it’s fairly safe to assume lmao) but ever since he came back his reactions and emotions have been pretty much never once been rational, stable or consistent.

(and like i wanna say i am saying all of this from the perspective of the bad days. so if you’re thinking ‘well, ben isn’t like that all the time’ ur right. neither am i. some days i’m fine, some days it’s not that bad, sometimes i can cope. but i still have bpd, even on those days. and imo, so does ben.)

7. Chronic feelings of emptiness

this is one i don’t really see in ben. we maybe see moments of emptiness, but certainly not enough to call it ‘chronic’.

also a lot of the moments we do see emptiness in ben, i feel like it’s forced emptiness, more for his own benefit or for the benefit of others rather than actual genuine emptiness. it’s not that he’s not feeling anything, it’s that what he is feeling he’s not showing. that’s very different from actually feeling empty.

8. Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights)

this! is! such! a! massive! part! of! having! bpd! and it’s a part that no one ever fucking talks about either!!!

and again, does this one need explaining?

ben is anger. he’s a ball of it, and he has been for a very, very long time. he’s angry at his dad, at the world, at himself. for all sorts of reasons, both complex and simple. if i sat here and tried to get into all of it this post would be twice as long as it already is. and i don’t think i really need to, anyway. it’s not as if any of us need to dig very deep to see it, is it?

‘frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights’ like i really don’t need to elaborate do i? bc what does ben do when he’s angry? his temper flairs up, he gets physical, lashes out, makes threats.

and he’s so often angry in response to emotional pain, which is the saddest (and for me, most relatable) part. just look at paul’s anniversary, how angry he was just in general, to everyone - even his mum, who is like the only exception to his anger since he’s been back - when he was just hurting and sad. how angry he got when he found out keanu had replaced him in phil’s will, when really he was just hurt. he gets angry and violent so people don’t see him as weak bc he’s hurting. he has been conditioned to get angry instead of getting sad. it’s not healthy at all.

there is so much more but i feel like it’s unnecessary for me to get into it. bc u know. ben’s not exactly subtle in his anger is he lmao

9. Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms

this is the only other one that i don’t see in ben at all, and it’s one that i don’t really experience myself either so i don’t even have any insight to offer lmao

so!! more or less 7/9!! that’s a passing grade for diagnosis!!! welcome to the club, mr mitchell!!!!

all of this, of course, has been purely from a medical, diagnostic standpoint (w some of my personal experiences sprinkled in lmao). there’s so much more to say from like a ‘living w bpd day to day’ standpoint but like, this post is already way too fuckin long so i’m just gonna hit on a few that i feel are important in regards to ben, and ones i have’t spoken abt yet

most ppl w bpd have a ‘fp’ or ‘favourite person’ (tho it can be multiple people), which sounds nice but it’s kind of a really complicated and difficult thing tbqh. here’s the best definition i could find: ‘When someone with BPD uses the term “favorite person” to describe someone else, they are typically insinuating that this is a person they cannot survive without. For BPD sufferers, the favorite person is the person who is a source of emotional support and dependence. This individual has the ability to truly impact the BPD sufferer’s day in either a positive or negative manner. The favorite person to someone with BPD holds a critical role in their lives by holding the power to ‘make or break’ the successful navigation of daily tasks and struggles.’ it’s a difficult thing to explain/understand (so please feel free to google ‘favourite person bpd’ to get a better understanding), and is not always as dramatic as it sounds, but it’s like… even if they aren’t a source of ‘emotion support’, ur mental wellbeing can hang on this person’s every move. (which is not healthy, i know, but it’s just a thing that happens w bpd!) and phil is absolutely ben’s fp. ben hates phil, and yet is still so desperate to be in his good graces, in his life no matter what that costs him… and ben’s self esteem, his actions, his moods are so dependant on phil. it just?? makes so much sense to me. i realize it may not make much sense to someone who doesn’t have any understanding of what a fp is, but like if u do, i’m sure u see what i see.

i think maybe jay was another fp of ben for a while in the past. i don’t think he is as much since ben has come back, but in the past?? maybe. like less in the ‘my happiness is dependant on u’ way and more in like a ‘i’m very very attached to u and need u in my life and would maybe go crazy if anything or anyone got in the way of that’ way.

and i think callum might be sneaking into territory now too tbqh. it would explain why callum’s actions and words have such an impact on ben’s moods despite not much really happening between them. and like i wanna say: someone becoming ur fp is not a choice. it just happens. it’s not like ben is going ‘oh im going to get overly attached to u just for a laugh’, no. this would be completely out of his control. and when it happens, it fucking SUCKS. so if that is what’s happening, it’s going to have a massive impact on ben - and it seems like it already is.

and like taking the whole fp thing out of it (bc i know it’s complicated and hard to grasp) bpd would explain why ben seems to be so attached to callum even tho very little has actually happened between them!!! like bpd will have u falling in love w someone who just shows you basic human kindness and decency, and i mean that very literally!!! bc like i said when you have bpd, you struggle to navigate and handle basic emotions, so all the nuances of romance and love? jesus christ. it goes back into black and white thinking - i either love this person or i hate this person, there is no in between. so callum, showing ben kindness? showing him support with what’s going on w louise and what happened w phil? not hating him and thinking he’s despicable and evil and all those things people say about him? and ben, having bpd? he probably wouldn’t be able to comprehend that maybe cal’s just being friendly, esp not after they slept together. so ofc he would latch tf on to that. i would latch tf on to that. his behaviour towards callum just seems very on brand for having bpd to me, genuinely.

and !! all those things whitney said the other night !! people complained about him not arguing back, but like… she’s almost saying what ben wants to hear, when it comes to callum. bc i touched on it before but like the thing is when, you have bpd ur thought process is like ‘i care about this person, they are good, i don’t deserve them, i am bad, i am going to ruin them, i’m probably manipulating them into spending time with me and caring about me, but i can’t let them go, i need them, i bet they don’t even like me, i don’t deserve them, i don’t want them to get hurt, i don’t want to hurt them, i am going to hurt them, in the end.’ (and eventually it spirals into ‘actually they’re probably going to hurt me first bc everyone always does so let me completely destroy this relationship so it’s unrecoverable and hurt them now so they can’t hurt me later’ but that’s another story) and whitney more or less confirms that for him!!! in essence, what she says to him is ‘you’re bad, he didn’t want anything to do with you but you manipulated him into it. you don’t deserve him, you’ve hurt him, you’ve hurt me, how could you do this?’ so like… ofc he’s not gonna argue w her. he’s already had a shit day, all of the fight is gone from him, and he agrees w her!! i’m sure he was thinking that he deserved what whit was throwing at him - not necessarily for what he’d done to her, but because he is Bad and callum is Good and he needs to stay away from him, otherwise he’ll ruin him. bc that’s just what bpd brain tells u, even when u’ve got no basis to believe it. (unless ur splitting or experiencing a big emotional high, but again, that’s a different story)

and that kind of makes sense as to why he’d go to the wedding. going back to the anger instead of sadness thing - he’s hurting, so he’s going to get angry and vengeful. he has been hurt, so now he is going to hurt in return. esp considering both callum and whitney have seen him in such a vulnerable state. it’s probably a pride thing, too.

also just to expand a little more on the ‘unstable sense of self’ thing - ppl w bpd (and also victims of abuse, but sometimes that particular venn diagram is a circle) tend to change the personality based on who they’re with. which is what most people do, yes, but i mean the Extreme version. it’s a trauma response thing - u’ll reflect parts of a person’s personality back at them, or even take bits from personalities of ppl u know they like in the hopes that they’ll like u more like that, as opposed to ur real personality (if u even know what that is). and sometimes those parts stick (esp when you idolize the person u stole them from/they’re your fp), and it’s like u all of a sudden realize ur entire personality is built of parts of other ppls personalities that you’ve stolen. so it makes sense to me that ben seems to have so many differing personalities/sides to his personality, bc he’s learned which parts to show to who, and in what situations - in response to his abuse as a kid, if nothing else.

(and before anyone can even go there: that is not an act of manipulation. it’s a trauma response. it’s something that happens without us consciously having any say in it, as a way of self-preservation. it’s like if i make myself likeable and appealing to u, you’re less likely to hurt me, physically or emotionally. and yes ben has a habit of manipulation, but this is not a part of it. none of ben’s manipulation is directly bc of his hypothetical bpd, it’s bc that’s just who he is. i don’t ever want to see the two equated, or see anyone say any shit like ‘ben must have bpd bc he’s manipulative’, ever.)

just for the hell of it, here are some spicy bpd memes, bc that’s how we communicate on the internet. (here are two in particular seem quite relevant to ben rn lmao + bonus one for phil!!)

so! there we are!!! i’m sure there’s some important stuff i overlooked and that this is not what u expected when u sent me this question, but there are so many misconceptions and stigmas out there surrounding bpd that i wouldn’t have felt right half assing it. and i hope, if nothing else, u learned something abt bpd that u didn’t know before :-)

if u read this far ur a trooper lmao but if anyone has any questions, be they abt ben having bpd or bpd in general please feel free to ask!! i’ll do my best to answer them to the best of my ability 💖💖

#ben mitchell #ballum #eastenders #petty as hell but it was really bugging me that this wasnt showing up in tags so i'm posting it again lmao #sorry if u already liked/replied to it :-(#bpd #anon #question

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wolgrahas · 6 years ago

Text

yooo ⚡

ok guys... mmMmMmmMmm i think i'm back? (even if this site sucks more than ever) if you don't remember me; i'm rami, if you don't remember my name i'm the bitch who is a slut for morrigan, solas and illidan, at least that's what i'm most famous for sbvGHHAFAHSH so... i'm gonna tell u what have happened to me for all this time i haven't been here (if u care ofc):

- i started drawing again ✌ (after years of drawing oNCE every six or four months lol)

- i found a high school for adults which have the last two years specialized in arts (which is pretty cool), tho i'm planning going the next year 👌

- i think i'm bisexual (well i've always thought that but when i created this blog i had a sexuality crisis that made me think that i was straight, i cannot promise that it won't happen again tho)

- hOLY SHIT DRAGON AGE FOOOOUR BITCHESSSSS 💗💞😰

- i found out that i have ADD bc my brain doesn't get enough oxygen bc i breath with my mouth and as i told you some time ago; i have a crooked nose so i didn't have any choice lol. so if i'm tHIS SMART with this shitty amount of oxygen... m8 i'm surely i'm fUCKING GIFTED agafshagAGSGHS (it's a joke, but the part of "my brain doesn't get enough oxygen" is tru tho lol)

- i'm taking new medication and i'm completely a nEW PERSON: i talk a LOT more (like... i'm pRETTY extrovert when i'm with my family 💞), i make lots of jokes, i'm overally happier. and i've been looking at myself lately and... i finally see that i'm not tHAT ugly?? even i got new stretch marks on my hips, ass and breasts and i just think they're pretty cute??? it's like...i'm finally ME. (also, but not less importantly, i was always bitter that i didn't indentify with gemini [my actual sign] and i always identified as a taurus, but now i'm more gemini than ever [so pls run the fuck away when u see me agaghssjdg]).

- i got a new haircut and dyed my hair red ✌💕 (the color is almost gone tho 😞)❗❗ face reveal❗❗

- and i've been thinking A LOT about my past, and i've never told you this before but... i was sexually abused when i was child (tho i have mild amnesia), i haven't talked about this with my psychologist yet, but i vaguely gave hints, like: i told her that i cannot have physical contact with men. and thinking about this, my trauma explains a lot of things (my fear for men, my repulse when men touch me [or anyone touches me], my phobia for sex and my sex-repulsion attitude, my sexual drawings when i was a lil child, and worst of all: my hatred towards my own mother and my bad mental stabilty through all my life, also i had awful nightmares when i was a lil kid [but they didn't have anything in common with my abuse, they were just about monsters who wanted to kill me or that i couldn't find my mother no matter how many times i asked people and i was in the middle of a big city, alone (those are the ones i remember), it felt weird that all kids were having happy dreams and i was the only one who always had to suffer when going to sleep :/, but i got used it, even now i still have nightmares]), i have mild amnesia about it, but i can for sure tell you that something happened that (awful) day. and.. i don't want to tell my family, bc it will make them suffer. besides i think i have a part of my mind that constantly tells me that i made everything up and that i am just an attention whore?? one of the things that made me think that i'm making everything up was when i was in the php center and i told this to the therapists, and they didn't give a shit lmao, even the other patients told me if i was confused or if it was from a movie which affected me (the answer is: no, i remember perfectly how i felt just before and after the abuse, i don't remember what happened IN the abuse but something happened [also i don't want to give descriptions bc it will probably affect people who follow me]), the therapists never asked me about it again so... lol. but idk, i just fear that when i have my ""first time"" the memories will come up and... the trauma will be completely open?? bc this happened to a lot of people when they had sex for the first time and they didn't even remember much about their abuse before??? idk guys, i'm just... confused...

yes i took these photos in my bathroom lmao

(abuse tw)

sorry for the drama :,( but i needed to get it out of my chest, being open on tumblr is ten times easier for me bc... idk guys, i think you won't judge me; you are like a big family of strangers who will believe me and give me your (kind) opinions and even help me by talking about your experiences... so.. i missed u guys sm 💗💞😘😭🌟💕💙

#rami.txt #i've been opening the tumblr app lately and i was like: 'i hate this site but i also forgot how much i still love it'#so... here i am :)

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thestudyfeels · 7 years ago

Photo

hello there!! have you been doing well, angel? if not, this is a gentle but firm reminder to get your shit together. but hey, why shouldn't you be proud of yourself? you have conquered so many years of your life and - no don't you dare try to be modest, every single tiny achievement matters. + I'm here to tell you that failing is NORMAL. everyone fails at one thing or another but succeed at another. And if you feel that you aren't successful at anything, then darling you haven't tried hard enough. alright alright, before I begin ranting out of the topic, let's get started.

note: this is a part of the get your shit together masterposts. To view the other articles in this category and to view the topics in this that I'll be covering in future, go here.

avoiding negative feelings

the biggest reason why I don't have that many negative thoughts (note that I said "many" and not all. I too have bad days once in a while) now because I realized that I, and only I, am completely on my side. I'm there for me at all times, throughout my life. And doesn't it sound stupid to be against the only player on my team?

once i realized that, it become so much easier to work at par with myself and to love myself. I became more patient with myself, started embracing my flaws and loving the person that I was. sounds pretty cringy? that's only because we don't talk about these things and we feel they aren't worth talking about. However if you really want to conquer life, loving yourself is the most important layer in this many layered cheesecake and yes, i like food.

cheat code: so how do avoid negative feelings? the answer lies in realizing your worth and capabilities and being on the same team as your own self.

dealing with negative feelings

now we come to the part when you are having negative feelings. Everyone has bad days and negative feelings but you can deal with 'em in a better way than feeling low and wasting your entire day. and here's way number one -

figure out what triggered you. when I have a bad day I sit down and list down what exactly provocated the bad day. these were my reasons -

someone said I was being annoying

I didn't get much done that day

I felt gross and untidy

then, find solutions to those problems.

hey, everyone don't have to like you. you are proud of yourself and that's enough.

Make a list. Do those things. I don't care if you're tired, do those things. If you don't do them, you'll feel guilty and that's never fun.

god, just go take a shower again. (taylor, you stink.)

as you see, the problems were really petty and solutions are pretty simple. but remember that these problems aren't negligible. this method works bc once you figure out solutions to them, you figure out a method how to fight them so that the same problems to affect you again. Now I know that when I feel gross I need to take a shower and not roam around like a stinky animal. See what I mean?

lastly, realize that these things are not worth you losing control of yourself and walking around like a dead zombie #rip.

sometimes I have negative feelings because I feel under confident or not sure about something. when this happens, which leads me to way number two - I have a convo with myself.

ok mate, why do you feel down? um I don't feel sure about this presentation. what if I screw this up? what if the teacher is like this is so shit?? what if I never get to eat donuts again???

seriously? well, I can assure you that donuts aren't going extinct. as for this interview, listen child. you have prepared for this shit, you can do it. doN'T freak out and don't think you can't ace this. you can, trust me.

talking to myself not only helps calm me down but also gives me a sense of purpose. That I have promised myself to ace this and I cannot let myself down.

loving yourself

understanding why

why should you love yourself?

bc you yourself crave the feeling to be loved. isn't being in love simply magical? Well, so is being in love with yourself. it is even more magical tbh. this is bc you are with yourself 24/7 and when you start loving yourself you become much more aware of yourself and you have able to work much better since you are able to identify your flaws and strengths. Remember when you used to bitch about that girl on whom every guy had a crush and you none? (same fam #LongLiveTheHobos) Turns out that someone does have a huge crush on you. Love yourself, your brain craves for you.

take yourself out on dates

raise your hand if you think dates are great. I agree. They are even better when you go out to a restaurant bc like food is great. it is super important that you take your own self out of dates and not only bc you are hungry but bc a conqueror (yAS THOSE ARE MY PEOPLE) knows the value of taking time off for himself. These are not simply slogging through the weekend and binge watching Netflix, mind you. That's a huge waste of time, froind. A conqueror makes a date official. cheat code: remember that your dates have to be memorable and most importantly, well earned. Here's a checklist to make your dates more special.

positive energy, check.

more smiles and hugs, check.

a happy mindset, check.

and how about a list of things that you can do for yourself?

the turn a bad day around challenge

here's the first challenge of the get your shit together series! I introduced this bc readers said that the topics on here were easy to say but harder to carry out.I do agree with that but hey, I never said that getting your shit together would be easy. by completing the challenges you can implement the ideas I'm trying to propagate here and also get a feel of having that particular area under your control.

task one: when you are having a bad day, sit down. list down the reasons why it was a bad day and why are you feel down. it can be as simple as not getting enough sleep and feeling grumpy.

task two: list down the solutions that you can use to overcome those problems.

task three: remind yourself that these petty problems cannot cost you your valuable time and that you are a badass bitch and you can handle everything.

task four: make a to-do list. I know you haven't done no shit today so now is the time to shine. don't put like a thousand things on the list tho lmao. three - four would do enough for the moment.

task five: do those things. seriously, do them.

task six: (and this is the nicest one) treat yo'self!! you have literally turned around a bad day and done so much shit! you have successfully conquered this day, a day which would have been spent lamenting and getting nothing done. maybe go treat yourself to some delicious pumpkin pie from a bakery (share with me pls); you really do deserve it!! I'm so proud of you :^)

and that's it, it's a wrap! if you have any questions/suggestions regarding anything I said up there (or maybe you just wanna talk about food), feel free to send in a message! my other masterposts are here and to request a masterpost, leave your question in my ask box!

I hope you all are well, stay safe and conquer life, you amaze conqueror :")

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critical--veins · 7 years ago

Note

Answer all of those horrible questions 🙌🏼

Damn if u say so!

01: Do you have a good relationship with your parents?

yes! I luv my parents v much they’re so supportive of me :’)

02: Who did you last say “I love you” to?

my parents! lol

03: Do you regret anything?

I regret agreeing to answer all these :) :)

04: Are you insecure?

BOY AM I

05: What is your relationship status?

lonely wit a big fat heart!

06: How do you want to die?

soon?

07: What did you last eat?

I’m eating a veggie burger now & it’s tasty, idk what its made of but it’s tasty

08: Played any sports?

I did competitive cheerleading in high school :-)

09: Do you bite your nails?

no !

10: When was your last physical fight?

I physically fight myself everyday, she’s a fucking bitch

11: Do you like someone?

u see.. I have an underlying crush on a boy I can’t have... that I repress,,, so for the sake of this uhhh nope def not in luv with anyone ,,

12: Have you ever stayed up 48 hours?

no, but now I’m intrigued? should I??? am I missing out?

13: Do you hate anyone at the moment?

lucy

14: Do you miss someone?

yes I miss my best friend & my family sooooo much going to school far away is rlly hard sometimes :///

15: Have any pets?

I HAVE THREE CATS, ANGEL MEEKO AND FINN & THEY’RE WONDERFUL

16: How exactly are you feeling at the moment?

ok real talk,, really good! I met with my adviser to schedule my fall classes & we had such a good talk, she told me I was so organized & it was a lovely conversation, she’s so sweet I luv her. also I took two fucking exams today & I don’t think I flopped on any of those, then I just spent an hour in lab lookin at fish so I’ve had a rlly good productive day & that’s rare bc usually I’m just Sad :)

17: Ever made out in the bathroom?

NO SOUNDS HOT THO

18: Are you scared of spiders?

if they sneak up on me yes! otherwise they’re not the worst! kinda cute!

19: Would you go back in time if you were given the chance?

fuck noooooo I’ve grown so much these past two years or so & I still am tbh, don’t wanna relive all that shit lol

20: Where was the last place you snogged someone?

if by snog u mean kissed.. uhhhh chili’s parking lot ahahasdkalk

21: What are your plans for this weekend?

I’m going on a day trip to boston on saturday to go to the aquarium?? never been to boston so that’s exciting & aquariums are so fuckin cute.. then sunday I’m going to a hardcore show w my friend for a band called boundaries & I luv those guys :)

22: Do you want to have kids? How many?

YEAH PROBABLY LIKE 2

23: Do you have piercings? How many?

just my lobes but I want my noseeee so bad

24: What is/are/were your best subject(s)?

I’m a slut for science

25: Do you miss anyone from your past?

I miss some friends sometimes

26: What are you craving right now?

fuck man so much affection, I’ve been single for a long ass time now,,, gotta cuddle myself :/ :/

27: Have you ever broken someone’s heart?

yeah it wasn’t all that tho, not a good time lol

28: Have you ever been cheated on?

no!

29: Have you made a boyfriend/girlfriend cry?

idk

30: What’s irritating you right now?

college has been really fucking intense & I wanna go home, plus there’s a boy making my life one big shit plate but it’s been this way for like a year so Ii’m fiene :)

31: Does somebody love you?

I hope lol

32: What is your favourite color?

GREEN :)

33: Do you have trust issues?

I’m kind of a fool actually & I trust too easily so if anyone wants to hmu & tell me how to distance myself without missing him that’d be gr8 lol. .

34: Who/what was your last dream about?

damn this is bouta fuckin expose me! I dreamed about the boy from q33 & q30 bc he has broken my brain! it was a nice dream tho, my dreams are the only time it’s nice hahahahahasdoiflksdjfl

35: Who was the last person you cried in front of?

I don’t often cry in front of ppl but I think the last time I did was in front of my parents bc they were helping me pay for school. they give me so much I felt really bad but so thankful at the same time & just had a fucking meltdown lol, college is expensive it’s real fucked

36: Do you give out second chances too easily?

IF I HAD TO SUM UP MY PERSONALITY IT WOULD BE “gives out second chances too easily” LOL

37: Is it easier to forgive or forget?

forgetttt

38: Is this year the best year of your life?

god I fuckin hope not

39: How old were you when you had your first kiss?

I was 16 I was rlly old, bc ulgy & introverted

40: Have you ever walked outside completely naked?

no but again, should I ?

51: Favourite food?

mac & cheese will forever be the most superior food & u can’t change my mind

52: Do you believe everything happens for a reason?

absolutely not lol

53: What is the last thing you did before you went to bed last night?

uhhhh I was listening to balance & composure, and la dispute & staring at the wall bc that’s all I do

54: Is cheating ever okay?

I’m gonna say no but if it DOES happen, pls don’t stay with that person, break up with them, be honest, just don’t continue on like nothing happened bc if you’re cheating you obv don’t care enough about the person to be able to have a real healthy & sustainable relationship.

55: Are you mean?

I never fucking talk

56: How many people have you fist fought?

zero (see above answer)

57: Do you believe in true love?

I believe the human brain is weird as fuck & if you wanna believe in true love you can have it, but the other person has to be on the same page u kno what I mean?? is true love real? no. but is anything real? also no.

58: Favourite weather?

I’m a summer hoe til I die! gimme sunshine & fucking HEAT

59: Do you like the snow?

I do loveeeeeeeeee the snow tho it’s so pretty, I just love being outdoors & I get cold easily so summer is my shit.

60: Do you wanna get married?

I WANNA GET MARRIED RIGHT FUCKING NOW

61: Is it cute when a boy/girl calls you baby?

it’s the best

62: What makes you happy?

music, art, nature, my friends & family

63: Would you change your name?

I like the name lucy! I just wish whenever I tell ppl my name’s lucy they didn’t respond by telling me about a dog they knew named lucy (it happens almost every time lmalkdfj)

64: Would it be hard to kiss the last person you kissed?

all I think about is kissing the last person I kissed, it’d be the best thing lol

65: Your best friend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do?

idk man, I’d be like “thank u”

66: Do you have a friend of the opposite sex who you can act your complete self around?

yes!

67: Who was the last person of the opposite sex you talked to?

the fucking boy I’ve been complaining about for every question lmao

68: Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with?

probably my friend emily! we always get deep it’s gr8

69: Do you believe in soulmates?

I do not at all actually

70: Is there anyone you would die for?

DIE FOR MY FRIENDS YO

thank u for tha ask sorry if my answers suck :)

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angeliaxy · 5 years ago

Text

twenty things about me

Thank you ROO, for the tag. THIS IS VERY FUN~

Under read more bcs well. LOOONG xD

1. what is your favorite cartoon character?

OKAY. let’s just choose otome hubbies bcs I dont have anything else (with the exception of 2 FF boys idk if they’re ‘cartoon’ or not lol). I’ll just choose the ones who affected me the most or this will get super long xD

- Vlad Honestly, I never fell THIS deep with otome guy UNTIL THIS GUY (and well Mitsuhide but let’s talk about him later). Everything about him is calling my soul. His appearance, his aesthetic (FLOWERS!!) Then, I went to Comte’s JP route and learning a lot more about his motivation, his personality.. ohmygod, I love everything about him??!! especially his /bad/ side!! and now.. I found MY OTOME SOULMATE, even I have to wait for years. I WILL WAIT and I will write a lot about youuuuu~

- Mitsuhide Ikesen So, I’ve been Mitsuhide hoe since many many years ago, due to his history. THEN this Mitsuhide knocked every other Mitsuhide(s) out there and, omg just how layered he is and exactly someone who I would fall in love with?? He just sneaked his way to my heart since I saw him, well I downloaded Ikesen basically FOR HIM lol. LISTEN, I did all his route choices with +4 +4 results until the end. Perfect score, without hints/anything. I was both shook bcs it never happened before and ‘I DO LOVE HIM SO MUCH’. Another OTOME SOULMATE (ssshh I can have several ok~)

- Zen Mysme He helped me going through my worst depression years ago. My life felt so damn empty and I picked Mysme to play, then Zen. ZEN!! His overflowing love got me SOBBING everyday, like I cried in 90% of his chats/calls, and even until now. I can never get over him. I wrote random fics about him that time but I have disagreement with some of mysme aspects, so yeah, it was mostly fix-it fics *winks at Reira ehehehe* LOL.

-Jumin Mysme THIS ONE. I KNEW I WOULD FALL FOR HIM SINCE I PICKED MYSME. (thank God Zen was the common route or I won’t play him bcs I would go straight for Jumin and stayed with him lol). And yet he still swept me off of my feet when I played his route. But unlike Zen, & the opposite actually, I feel like JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. Again, there were.. fix-it fics I wrote about him with my MC, just because. LOOOL.

-Victor Just.. Be mine, pretty pleaseeeeeeee? He’s my type 101% and he can call me dummy etc I would still love him xD While Jumin wrecked my heart but this CEO made me.. yearn. (and thirst. but let’s not get too far lol) I love his power, his strength and determination, his demeanor. BUT I just want his heart among everything else?? aaaaaaa.

-Theo This one oMG, he snuck on me so damn hard. He’s also someone I def would fall in love with. I just.. *sighs longingly* His devotion is what I adore the most. the LOYALTY, the whole bad guy vibe, but mostly. HIS BIG, BIG, SOFT HEART.

-Nobunaga I AM WEAK FOR HIM, I just love this devil king in both otome versions~ I’m always side-eyeing when people talked bad about these two versions of him. But then I think they just don’t understand him. still side-eyeing so hard, though~

-Comte Another ‘JUUUUST LET ME LOVE YOU’ case. I went to his JP route for Vlad but I slipped, fell for him too lol. Not usually my type, but he’s definitely the gentleman type I would want to wed (and bed??) LMAO ssshhh.

The rest are, well, obvious enough. Basically the ones who I write, I loooove them~

2. if you could be fluent in another language, which one would you choose?

Japanese. (and more English lol just to make writing easier)

3. what kind of food do you like the most?

SPICY FOOD. JAPANESE FOOD. and instant noodle haha. But I love sushi, abura soba, salmon, the moooost~

4. what is your favorite holiday memory?

I have a lot, I think? But going overseas!! Disneyland!! And I definitely love every visit I’ve done to Singapore. Never been to JP though *cries*

5. if you could live anywhere in the world, where would it be?

JAPAN. and maybe Singapore. that’s it.

6. what is the worst job you’ve ever had?

My only and also current job. It’s just something I will never get used to because it’s the opposite of my artsy soul. So, RIP. Suffering forever.

That time I did part-time for a private gaming server. that HURT bcs I fell for the one I worked with and let’s just say he was not available. I had to get out and disappeared from him lol. (still miss him sometimes.. sobs)

7. if you could meet anyone in history, who would it be?

Ehhhh. None. Not too interested in this. (Except if you count Mitsuhide, maybe? I want to know him looool)

8. if you could change one thing in your past, what would it be?

that I shouldn’t fall in love too easily? I had.. a lot of heartbreaking moments. AND I trusted people too easily back then, got used and back-stabbed too many times. so yeah.. kinda regretted that bcs it scarred me greatly

9. what is something that few people know about you?

That I write. Only 2 of my friends knew, and I won’t tell anyone else. This is my world, my safe haven.

I’m shy at first, but can be shameless after you get to know me HAHHAHA

10. if you had to evacuate your home, what would you take with you?

MY DOG. MY LAPTOP. lol, that’s it. OHHH WAIT. MY BJD DOLL, Charlotte!!! MUST SAVE HER.

11. you only get 3 words to describe yourself, what are they?

romantic, empathetic, and.. resilient I guess? my brain is currently tired lol

12. if you could jump into a pool of something, what would it be?

MONEY. LOOOL. nah, kidding. Not too interested in money. A POOL OF FLOWEEEEEEEEEEERS (just no thorns/poisonous flowers ok.) xD

13. if you could stop time for 1 hour, what would you do?

Write? idk, 1 hour is too short to do anything meaningful.

14. if you have a love potion that will make anyone love you back, who would it be?

MY 3D BIAS. PLS???? Any of them is ok, but that means I gotta deal with idol life... (sigh)

15. if your life was a movie, what would it be called?

Endless Sorrow. Yep~ (also one of my wip title xD)

16. if you have a time machine, would you go back in time or visit the future?

Why not both? HAHAHA but prob future. I’m just curious??

17. if you could be anyone in a movie, who would it be?

?? Ehm.. I have no idea tbh. I BLANKED.

18. if you can choose your couple’s name, what name would you choose?

idk? I need to find my soulmate and ask him first LMAOOOO

19. Where would you go for your dream holiday?

JAPAN PLS. T_T idk if I can ever go there.

20. would you rather live in a large urban city, a small town or in the countryside? Why?

Large urban city with PROPER & SAFE PUBLIC TRANSPORTATION, bcs LORD it’s so annoying here, where we need CARS to go around. It’s so limiting and ugh. And I love city too much to choose the other choices xD

#ange info #tag game

0 notes

chickenkooks · 8 years ago

Note

oh my god i just read two rotten apples and holy fuck their relationship is so terrible i feel so bad for her goddamn idk why i feel so hurt but pls make jungkook suffer

anonymous asked:

yo… ik everyone will disagree wit me but the relationship in tra is just way too toxic like why do i feel like shit when even if im just the reader. im so fucking mad why is jungkook such an asshole n why is the oc so easy UDHDHJD

anonymous asked:

it fucks with my mind how horrible jk is to the oc in tra i didnt do anything productive today bc i felt like shit LMAO

drabble #3

COUNT → 3.519

GENRE → smut | crack

PAIRING → jungkook | reader

LINKS → 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 4.5 | COMING SOON

note → i didn’t have this in mind with the current story line of two rotten apples, which you can read the first part here. so kinda consider this drabble just like. i dont even know. i have no idea. i think as the story goes on. ill link the drabbles for where i think they are in the story. the other two happen later on so they wont be linked yet until more parts are released!!!!!!! anyway i wrote this in a state of anger and perspiration!!!!!!!!!!! if u dont like my characters. or dont like the story. u could just. consider this: close out of my blog and never come back. no one was forcing u to read this. so i didnt appreciate these msgs. i understand u were venting but u didnt even say anything positive about the story so how could u expect me to respond positively??? anyways g’nite

The skin of Elise’s knuckles lightened as her fists clenched on the kitchen counter. She’d been dicing onions for a breakfast omelette but Kale’s noises from upstairs were distracting her as they drifted to her ears from the vent above her head. The kitchen was directly below their shared bedroom, so she could hear every single sound he made, even the bed creaking under his weight.

Washing her hands quickly, she grabbed a nearby towel to dry them off before heading towards the long, twisting marble staircase leading to the upstairs hallway, following the grunts and groans of her beloved husband.

As she peered into the bedroom, she gasped at the sight before her. Kale was lounging on the mattress, a rose placed between his succulent lips and a single cut from one of the thorns garnishing his lower lip. He probably should’ve cut all the thorns off before placing it in his mouth but he was never the smart one. His chest glistened under the light of the full moon, even though just a few seconds ago, Elise was making a breakfast omelette and typically those are made in the morning. She just didn’t have a good concept of time and made breakfast omelettes at night and steaks at eight o’clock in the morning.

“Hello, beautiful,” Kale said seductively, waggling his eyebrows.

“What was all this noise up here?” Elise asked, looking around the bedroom.

Nothing seemed to be out of the ordinary, except for the fact that her husband was half-naked on their bed with a bleeding lip.

“I was just thinking about you, so naturally those sounds fell from my plump pillows. I’m talking about my lips, by the way. Those sounds fell from my lips.”

She nodded, licking her eyebrow. “And what were you thinking about?”

“Your beautiful blonde hair, your gorgeous blue eyes, your—”

“I have black hair, Kale,” she corrected him, crossing her arms.

“And I have green skin.”

Suddenly, the atmosphere in the room changed. Instead of Elise being incredibly hesitant as to her vegetable’s—I mean, husband’s—intentions, she found her clothes flying off and out the window. She wondered for a fleeting moment why the window was open in the first place because they lived in a mansion that was two million stories tall and they agreed when they moved in never to open a window because that’s how the previous owner died. As she thought about him, she wondered if he was watching them right now because he liked to haunt the place, making doors randomly open—except it wasn’t randomly because he would have doors fly open only when they were about to open them, so really it was more of a convenience rather than an inconvenience.

Elise sauntered towards her green husband, naked from head to toes to make things easier for when he wanted to disrobe her—because she would be naked and he wouldn’t have to disrobe her at all. As she reached for him, she forgot he had sensitive skin because he was originally some kale in the vegetable drawer, so when she grabbed his arm, it snapped in half. Kale screamed in agony.

“I’m so sorry!” Elise apologized, sobbing uncontrollably.

Kale—

“All right,” Jungkook said, closing the book with a slam. “What the fuck is this?”

He turned the book over to read the reviews and the synopsis then, glancing over at you reading over his shoulder as multiple vegetables were referenced in the author’s summary of the plot. Jungkook cleared his throat and sighed.

“’Have you ever wondered what it’s like to fall in love with a vegetable? Elise has, and that’s what she wishes for one dark and gloomy night. She finds that all the vegetables in her vegetable drawer are suddenly hot men wanting to woo her! Suddenly, she’s a vegetarian but she’s also still a virgin. Who will she choose? The delectable head of lettuce? The brussel sprout with abs of steel? Or maybe she’ll go for the quiet type—the piece of kale with a soft heart—’”

Jungkook had to stop there, his lips twitching as he tried with all his might not to burst out in a fit of laughter at that offensive synopsis.

“Okay,” he said simply, snorting. “What the fuck—”

You laughed with him, scooting to the edge of the bed to snatch the book out of his hands. “I know, but are you really telling me you’d be able to see this and not buy it? It’s about fucking vegetables with penises. Vegetable porn.”

“I swear… the books you read sometimes…” he trailed off.

Your bedroom grew quiet then, the only sounds you heard coming from downstairs as both your parents went head to head in a game of monopoly.

“They’re going to be up all night playing, aren’t they?” you asked.

“Until someone ends up crying,” he said. “Probably my mom.”

You tapped your fingers against your bare thighs, glancing around your room aimlessly. Jungkook then fell against your mattress with a sigh and closed his eyes. After a few seconds of silence, he cracked open one eye and just watched you stare straight ahead, your posture stiff as a board.

He grabbed the back of your blouse then, tugging until you fell flat on your back beside him. You scoffed at that but smiled nonetheless, closing your eyes to the feel of his bicep tensing under your head. The two of you had been getting along lately for some reason and you didn’t know what changed exactly.

Although, maybe it was because you were official fuck buddies now.

His other hand reached for you, turning you on your side and slipping beneath your shirt to cup one of your breasts. To his surprise, you weren’t wearing a bra, so he flicked at one of your hardening nipples in appreciation. Jungkook stared into your eyes as he pulled and tweaked at your breasts, gripping them easily with one hand. You closed your eyes, exhaling shakily, one of your hands finding his underneath your shirt and holding it there for a moment.

Then, he suddenly sat up, pulling his arm from under your head and his hand from grasping your breasts. You sighed, falling onto your back again as you looked up at him as he leant over to grab the book he threw to the floor.

When his parents first came over, monopoly game in hand, Jungkook had immediately bounded for your room, only to see you curled into a ball on your bed reading. He’d made fun of you for at least five minutes once he saw the cover but then he volunteered to read it aloud from where you left off.

And there was one particular scene that caught his eye.

He flipped to that exact page, somehow remembering the page number, and then set it down beside you facedown as he stood up to shut your door.

Jungkook walked back over to your bed after he peered down the hallway, listening to the sounds of your parents boisterous laughter and the booming folk music playing from the stereo downstairs, and grabbed the book. Laying beside you once again, he began to read again in his dramatic reading voice.

Kale was in the kitchen when she jogged down the steps, intending to make a smoothie for brunch—or dinner because she didn’t have a concept of time. Sweat dripped from his brow, from his defined collarbones, even down his abdominal muscles, and this made Elise especially turned on down there.

“Why can’t she just fucking say she has a soaked pussy?” Jungkook randomly asked, placing the book down as he looked over at you smiling.

“A lot of erotica authors are married and haven’t had sex since their first child was born,” you explained. “They don’t really like to make the detail graphic.”

“That’s dumb,” he said, then brought the book back to his face to read again.

Without uttering a single syllable, Elise bounded over to him and found a perfect seat in his lap, immediately feeling him grow hard just by her sitting on him.

“You’re so sexy when you’re sweaty, Kale,” she whispered in his ear.

He chuckled darkly. “You’re so sexy when you’re on top of me like this.”

Jungkook slammed the book closed once again and tossed it somewhere behind him, hearing a crash but not really paying much attention. He looked over at you as he wiggled his eyebrows comically and you snorted.

“You look so sexy when you’re laying on a bed,” he whispered.

You turned on your side then and tucked both of your hands beneath your cheek pressed into the mattress. “You look so sexy reading erotica.”

“We should roleplay,” Jungkook suggested, grabbing onto your waist.

You didn’t answer, just arched one of your eyebrows in question.

“I’m Kale,” he began, smirking, “and you’re Elise.”

“And what scene would we be reenacting?”

His smirk widened. “The kitchen scene.”

Without hearing your response, he shot up and then moved to the floor, raising his hips as he undid his belt buckle and slid his jeans down his legs before kicking them off into one corner of your room. With you still lying on the bed, Jungkook hit one of your legs hanging off the edge of the king-sized bed gently.

“Come on,” he called up to you. “I’ll pull you off the bed if I have to.”

Rolling your eyes, you sat up and pulled at your shirt, then stood up to slide your shorts and white underwear past your hips, landing in a pile with Jungkook’s jeans. Slowly, you joined him on the floor, beside him.

“Now what?” you asked.

“Get me ready.”

You were eager—so eager that you completely forgot about grabbing a condom out of your bedside table’s drawer. That thought flew from your mind as soon as he pulled himself out of his boxers, your mouth watering at the sight of him. Reaching forward, you wrapped one of your hands around him and felt him pulsating from under your hand, his skin hot to the touch. You glanced up at him, just as you leant over him and enveloped him in your mouth, closing your eyes at the taste. He wasn’t rock solid when you touched him but you could feel him growing in size and rigidity the further you pulled him into your mouth.

“Ah,” he moaned out, head falling against the edge of your bed. “That’s it.”

Wincing, he hit the back of your throat and you swallowed, causing him to shudder. You patted his thigh and he took that as his signal to start fucking your mouth. As you relaxed your jaw, he started a slow pace as he raised his hips with each thrust into your mouth, moaning softly to himself at the feeling.

Jungkook grabbed the back of your head then and forced you even further down his cock until your nose brushed against the skin of his pelvis.

Moaning around him, he sped up his thrusts. He knew he was already hard enough for you, so he had to physically stop himself from cumming in your mouth as he tugged on your hair to pull you off of him. A string of saliva connected your mouth to his hard cock until you wiped at your mouth.

He relaxed his head against the bed then, panting as he tried to catch his breath, swallowing thickly. You sat against your heels as you waited patiently, feeling yourself drench the back of your calves just at the sight of his neck. Cracking open his eyes, he caught you staring and he smirked to himself.

Jungkook tackled you to the floor then, hovering over you for a moment before he smashed his lips against yours. His hard cock easily slipped between your lips, ghosting over your pussy and you moaned at both the taste of his lips and the feeling of him rubbing against you. You knew you were dripping at this point and were more than ready for him to fuck you, but then that fleeting thought of condom came back. And as his lips slanted over yours, licking at the seam of your lips before sliding inside your mouth, you said that when your lips parted.

“C-Condom,” you managed to say, pulling yourself backwards weakly on the carpet of your bedroom floor as he continued to kiss you roughly.

With each time you slid away from him and towards your bedside table, he crawled after you, pausing you in your journey to kiss you again each time.

Your head slammed into the table then after a few minutes struggle, Jungkook having moved down to your neck to kiss and suck your skin until it was marked in blotches of purple and red. Blindly, you felt behind you for the top drawer, reaching for the handle and pulled on it with all your strength. It slid open and you frantically searched around for the box of condoms, your fingertips touching various cards and hair ties, before finding what you were looking for.

The box fell to the floor, packets of condoms spilling out of it and you tilted your neck back as you tried to grab hold of one of them. Jungkook raised his head to see what you were doing and then helped you, his hand grazing over yours as he grasped one of the condoms and pulled himself off of you to put it on.

You pushed yourself up on your elbows to watch him, struggling to open it with fumbling fingers, then he easily slid the thin latex over his pulsating length.

Without wasting another second, he gripped himself and thrusted into you, grabbing onto your hip once he was filling you to the brim. With your heads nearby a vent, you could still hear your parents screaming at each other as your father apparently lost one of his best properties and stormed out of the room for a smoke presumably. Their laughter flittered up through the vent then but you weren’t really listening to them, just to the sound of Jungkook’s grunts.

Your head slammed into the bedside table as he started a fast pace inside of you, then noticed and quickly pulled you up until you were sitting in his lap.

“Ride me,” he commanded, head resting against the side of the mattress.

You nodded, situating your legs on both sides of him before you hovered your drenched pussy over him. Slowly, you sank down on him and moaned loudly as the head of his cock pushed deep inside of you. His hands came to rest on your hips then, urging you to hurry up. Not listening to him, Jungkook grew impatient and decided to shove you down on him and you gasped out at the feeling of him inside you again—scalding hot. You rocked your hips back and forth, placing your hands on his shoulder then as you raised them back up.

When you slammed back down on him again, your breasts bounced and you couldn’t keep your eyes open. Jungkook was in the same state as he couldn’t even move his head off the edge of the mattress, nonchalantly thrusting up into you each time you came back down on him. You weren’t even roleplaying at this point, just following your lustful urges as you both chased your orgasms.

“I fucking love it when you ride me,” he groaned out huskily, eyes still closed.

Without even opening his eyes, his hands reached around you to grasp at your ass, kneading it for a moment before manipulating how hard you came down on him each time. You cried out, nails digging into the skin of his shoulders and he groaned at the pain. At one particularly loud moan of yours, one of his hands went to cover your mouth. You opened your eyes to look at him and seemed to understand the fact that you were feet away from the vent and if your parents found you two fucking in your bedroom, you would probably get in trouble.

They wanted the two of you together but probably not in that way.

“Go faster,” he told you, lifting your hips so you could slam down on him harder.

You did as he said and soon your breasts began to ache just from how hard they were bouncing with each time you sank down on him.

“Fuck yes,” he moaned, jaw dropping. “Faster, baby. Faster.”

Soon, Jungkook was doing almost all of the work, his hands surely leaving an indent on your skin with how hard he was gripping your hips. Then suddenly, he gripped them so hard that you simply hovered over his cock, only the head still inside of you. Opening his eyes, he stared at you just as he began to fuck into you from below, gritting his teeth as he pounded into you powerfully. You let go of your grip on his shoulders to place your palms flat on the carpet, arching your back and tilting your head backwards as you focused on the sensation.

“Jungkook!” you cried out, your parents on the floor beneath you forgotten.

You clenched around him, your orgasm looming closer, and he grunted. Soon, he wasn’t able to thrust up into you as fast as before and simply flung you to the floor so you were laying on your back. Jungkook situated himself on top of you again and then thrusted inside once more, the new position causing him to reach that much further inside of you. He grabbed one of your legs, spreading your legs as wide as he could as he continued to hammer you into your floor.

He wondered for a moment if they could hear the thuds from above and the occasional squeaking of the floorboards beneath you, but didn’t really care.

His thumb found your clit just as he lowered himself so he could kiss you, tongue sweeping past your lips until you parted them. You moaned into his mouth as soon as he deepened the kiss, legs wrapping around his waist.

His chest jostled forward as his thrusts grew more precise and more rough, and then your head lolled against the carpeted flooring, not even able to do anything but let him have his way with you. You were so fucking close. His thrusts then grew sloppy and his thumb continued to circle your clit.

“Are you almost there?” he breathed out.

Instead of answering him, you just nodded frantically.

“I want to hear you,” he said, fucking into you harder. “Are—you—almost—there—?”

“Yes!” you cried out almost immediately. “I’m so close, Jungkook. Fuck me faster—harder.”

He straightened his back then, disconnecting your lips, and angled your leg so it was perched on his shoulder. He grunted as he concentrated on making you cum all around him, determined to get you there first or you’d scream his ear off. With the combination of the tip of his cock brushing against your g-spot and his thumb pressing down on your clit, you came and clenched around him.

A few more thrusts later, he came as well, spurting his cum into the condom.

He rolled off of you and the two of you breathed heavily, your parents eerily quiet from the vent. And then you heard the tell-tale signs of someone coming up the stairs.

“Go into the bathroom and turn the shower on,” you hissed at him. “I’ll hide under the bed since your fat ass wouldn’t fit.”

Jungkook glared at you but listened to you nonetheless, quickly sitting up and dashing into your bathroom, locking the door behind him as the shower turned on. Your phone buzzed just as you heard your parents’ footsteps down the hall and you grabbed it from your bed before slipping past the bed skirt to hide.

Turning down the brightness, you looked to see who texted you.

JUNGKOOK [18:08:25]: Rate today’s performance out of 10

You shook your head but leant forward on your elbows to respond.

YOU [18:08:55]: i think a solid eight is in order

JUNGKOOK [18:09:29]: That’s an improvement from yesterday’s 6

JUNGKOOK [18:10:02]: Care to share your grading criteria?

Smirking, you lifted up the bed skirt to glance at the bathroom door, seeing his bare feet from underneath it and the light on, then you replied:

YOU [18:10:44]: i actually came this time

As your phone buzzed a few seconds later, you heard your parents knock on the door. Jungkook always had to fuck you in places that could get you caught.

But you realized you would rather have him than some happily ever after, no matter how unhealthy the relationship was for you. It was your body, after all. It was just harmless fucking and it was comforting knowing he would never have feelings for you of any kind. Your bodies just clicked together and that’s all you wanted. And besides, Jungkook wasn’t the only toxic one in this relationship.

You were just as bad for him as he was for you.

And you supposed that made you easy.

#jungkook smut #jungkook imagines #jungkook scenarios #jungkook fanfic #bts smut #bts imagines #bts scenarios #bts fanfic #jungkook x reader #jungkook x you #bts x reader #bts x you #I WASNT GONNA REPLY BUT #if this story just made u feel like shit #then please just dont read it??????#no one was forcing u to #and these messages werent positive at ALL #i need positive encouragement to feel motivated for this story #and i was so close last night to just going on hiatus #because i just was so uninspired to write ANYTHING #but thankfully i woke up just as angry #but im petty #like please understand that he needs to be a dick???#what kinda story would this be if he wasnt #a boring one #and their relationship really isnt THAT bad #thats what bothered me #compared to other jungkook stories on this site #this could be much worse #anyways goodbye i already blocked u so

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pllsetskyonice · 8 years ago

Text

@yuriplisetsky is a size queen

Otabek Altin/Yuri Plisetsky

2,900 words

“What are you talking about?”

“Your Twitter? Your thread that spends about ten tweets waxing poetry about the size of my dick? Everyone’s talking about it, the fans are going crazy, I had Victor ringing me up half an hour ago to ask if it was true and if I really had deflowered Russia’s Fairy like that, and I just – what the hell were you thinking, Yuri?”

In which Yuri gets drunk and Tweets some things he probably shouldn't have.

AO3 link

So @94mercy made this post that headcanoned that Yuri gets drunk one night and talks about the size of Otabek’s dick on social media, and I immediately knew I had to write it. Otherwise known as me just wanting to join in with all the hung!Otabek content that’s been coming out of this fandom in recent weeks.

(Also tagging @daddybek because that’s where this all started back in February)

They’ve been dating for a few months when it happens.

Yuri goes round to Mila’s for a few drinks after practice one day, and they steadily make their way through a bottle of vodka, laughing and talking about their respective partners. The music is loud and Yuri feels all loose and giggly as he reaches for his phone, taking selfies and documenting their escapades on Snapchat. He’s never been this drunk before, so drunk he’s not even sure what order his memories from the last few hours go in, so drunk that he can barely stand, so drunk that the room is spinning.

He sits down and opens Twitter, starting to type. He doesn’t even think about what he’s Tweeting, just starts a thread and keeps on going until he gets it all off his chest. Mila is grabbing at his hands and pulling him up so they can dance together again, and Yuri’s phone lies on the couch, forgotten.

So he doesn’t see what he’s done until morning.

It’s the sound of his phone vibrating loudly on the bedside table that wakes him up. He’s in Mila’s spare bedroom, a small sized room with what feels like the most uncomfortable bed he’s ever slept on, but it evidently didn’t bother him at whatever time he collapsed onto last night. At least he made it into bed, he supposes. That’s an achievement, even if he’s still wearing yesterday’s clothes.

He grabs at his phone, squinting at the screen. It reads 6 AM, and is somehow fully charged, even though he has doesn’t remember plugging it in last night. It’s far too early. Yuri wants nothing more at this particular moment in time than to roll over and go back to sleep to avoid dealing with this hangover from hell, but it’s Otabek that’s calling him, so he supposes that he’d better answer.

“Hello?” he says, his voice sounding all croaky as he unplugs his phone and rolls back onto his back. There’s light streaming in through a gap in the curtains, and Yuri would get up and close them properly, but they’re too far away to deal with right now. Instead, he opts for the easier option: pulling his blankets over his head.

“Yuri, what the fuck?” Otabek asks on the other end of the line. Even in this still half drunk, hungover state, Yuri can tell that this is Not Good. “What were you thinking?”

“What are you talking about?” Yuri replies. He wonders if it’s about his and Mila’s Snapchat stories, but from what he can remember there’s nothing too outrageous on them, just some really bad singing in questionable English to pop songs neither of them like.

Yuri fumbles with his phone, opening Twitter with his phone call with Otabek still active in the background. He doesn’t even need to go onto his profile to see it, it’s all over his timeline. “Oh, shit,” he swears as he scrolls through the Tweets. “I don’t even remember posting any of this. I was so drunk, Beka. So drunk. I’m sorry.”