#please this is just me being dramatic ignore it
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this may be a bit left field from what you were asking but i had this idea in my head for awhile of remus being told he couldn't have children because of the whole werewolf thing and reader gets pregnant and he instantly thinks he's been cheated on and it couldn't be his because of what he was told from a young age (his self esteem and insecurity that he isn't good enough etc. flaring up!! not that he truly believes she would but he's spiralling and it's the only explanation right????) and it takes lily and the marauders to knock some sense into him and realise he's been given a little miracle and a chance at having a family like he's always wanted!!! (i imagine being told he couldn't have children put the whole werewolf thing into perspective and meant he secretly yearned for it as it was another thing it had taken from him)
sorry this was long, if it's rubbish please ignore, it's why i've anonned!!!
poor angsty moony hahahaha. thanks for your request!
Remus Lupin x Black!reader who tells him she's pregnant, and he doesn't respond well [1.7k words]
CW: pregnancy, implied belief of cheating/adultery with a happy ending, background jilypad because I wanted to
“Wait, wait, wait.” James interrupted, holding his hands up from the table as Lily folded her lips over her teeth like she was working over time trying not to laugh. “Hang on. Are you telling me-”
“This is not funny, James.” Sirius hissed, glaring daggers at Remus though his hold on Harry in his arms was as soft as ever.
A giggle escaped Lily’s lips, though she was quick to slap a hand over her mouth when Sirius turned his burning gaze to her.
“You’re telling me” James continued “that your girlfriend-”
“My sister.” Sirius interrupted.
“- that you love-”
“More than life itself, right.” Remus continued.
“- told you she was pregnant, and you…” James trailed off, clearly waiting for someone else to jump in here.
“Came here?” Lily tried.
“Ran off like a sod?” Sirius muttered.
“Told her you…didn’t believe her?” James offered.
“It’s impossible!” Remus argued.
“Do you not fuck your girlfriend, Moons?” James drawled then, causing Sirius to moan very dramatically as he held his son against his face as if he couldn’t even look at Remus right now; Harry, for his part, found that hilarious and started pulling at his papa’s long hair.
“Sod off, James.” Remus groaned miserably as he ran his hands over his face. “It’s impossible, werewolves cannot procreate.”
It was Lily who asked “Says who?”
“Just… everyone.”
“Everyone?” James asked, his eyebrows rising over the frames of his glasses.
“Yes, James, everyone.” Remus hissed. “The…healers-”
“Would have told your parents they had ‘no idea what your future holds’.” Lily explained simply. “What lycanthrope have they studied to know if that’s true or not?”
“There has never been any cases of a werewolf successfully procreating, Lily.” Remus explained simply.
“So just because it’s never been bloody written down, you think it could never happen?” Sirius spat then, looking around Harry’s little body who still had a fistfull of his hair to level Remus with a look. “So, what? She’s lying? She’s making it up? She’s cheating on you?”
The room fell quiet as everyone, even Harry, turned to look at Remus as they waited for a response.
“Remus.” Lily breathed out in disbelief when he didn’t provide one.
“You didn’t…” James sighed.
“Remus fucking Lupin, I swear to Merlin if you-”
“What was I supposed to say!?” Remus exploded then. “I- it’s supposed to be impossible. Werewolves cannot or do not procreate, they cannot be parents, they-”
But his excuses sounded feeble, even to his own ears. Lily was right; no studies as such have ever been conducted on lycanthropes. Sirius was right; there was no evidence because it had just never been written down. James was right; Remus does fuck his girlfriend.
Remus had always assumed this was just one more thing that his lifelong curse had stolen from him; the ability to ever have a family of his own.
Although, there were a lot of things Remus’ lycanthropy was supposed to have taken from him, yet….
Yet, he had two parents who loved him unconditionally and did everything they could for him, even though there were no rule books or how-to guides on raising a werewolf child. Yet, he had been accepted to attend Hogwarts at age 11, even though he never expected to be able to attend school with his affliction. Yet, he met four boys on the train who turned out to be his roommates, who turned out to be his friends, who turned out to be his pack, even though they didn’t have to be. Yet, he found himself a precious love who loved him in return, even though you were raised to lift your nose at anyone who wasn’t a pureblood, even though you were raised to harbour disdain for creatures and beasts alike, even though you were a Black and he was a Lupin, even though you were a Slytherin and he was a Gryffindor, even though….even though.
Remus wasn’t supposed to have any of this, yet here he was. And he wasn’t supposed to ever have children of his own, yet…
“Oh Godric.” Remus breathed out as he sat back in his chair; both hands over his mouth in a silent gasp as he stared unseeingly past his three friends.
“You know Sunny loves you to the stars and back, Remus.” Sirius started earnestly. “And the fact that you think she could have ever betrayed you like that-”
“I didn’t.” Remus hissed. “I don’t.”
“I know, Rem.” Lily offered, even though Sirius didn’t seem all that convinced. “It’s just what you thought made the most sense at the time.”
But it really didn’t make sense at all. The thought would have absolutely never crossed his mind in a million years if he hadn’t been told his entire life that this was just impossible for him.
“Have you wanted kids, Rem?” James asked quietly then, and Remus’ eyes came back into focus as he looked at Harry.
Harry, who was the spitting image of James, who had Lily’s eyes, who had Sirius’ mischief. Who was loved beyond measure and loved his parents exactly as they were.
Did he want kids? He certainly liked kids. He loved Harry. He thinks he’d be a good dad… that is, if it weren’t for the lyca-
“I can see where your mind is going, Remus.” Lily interrupted his spiralling then. “We didn’t ask if you should be a dad - which is not even a question, by the way - we asked if you wanted to be.”
“Yes.” Remus whispered; the answer came so easily.
“Alright then.” Sirius declared, sitting Harry up as if they both meant business. “So let’s pretend - even for a sodding second - that Y/N did end up pregnant by some random imaginary bloke that doesn’t exist. This would mean that she apparently had many options, yet she came running to tell you. She’s pregnant, and she wants to do this with you.”
And if Remus didn’t feel like an arse before, he certainly felt like one now. He knows you would never do that to him, of course he does. But even if you had the choice of 100 other men to father your child - all of whom would be able to provide for you better, who wouldn’t risk the safety of your child every month, who wouldn’t risk passing that curse down to your child, who wouldn’t make their life harder by simply being the offspring of a werewolf - you wanted it to be him. You wanted Remus.
The good, the bad, and The Wolf - you wanted him all.
“I think you need to go talk to your girlfriend, Moons.” James offered with a hopeful smile, and Remus couldn’t agree more.
✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧
The flat was quiet when Remus stepped through the floo; the entire space seemed spotless, evidence of your anxious tidying taking over after Remus took off.
Remus tried to tamp down the guilt and shame working its way up his throat as he took off his shoes and jacket, placing them in their designated spots lest he disrupt the perfect kept house you’ve worked on all afternoon (and well into the evening, now that Remus could see that the sun was long gone from the sky).
He found you in the living room at the desk bent over a book and some papers, and Remus found himself smiling without his consent when he was brought back to late nights in the Hogwarts library; his grades profiting greatly simply because he wanted to find any excuse to be in your company. He’d find out later that you were doing the same.
You looked over at him expectantly, and Remus felt his heart splinter at the cautious, uncertain expression on your face. It was as though you were afraid of him, like you weren’t sure what he was about to do or say.
“Dove?” He ventured. “Can we talk?”
“That’s what I’d been trying to do, Remus.” You merely whispered, and Remus can’t remember the last time he’d ever heard you sound so small.
He made for you immediately, crouching down beside your chair so that he could look up at you. “I’m so sorry, baby, I-”
“And you accused me of whoring around and ran out on me.” You added, and the final fracture split Remus’ heart in two when he saw your eyes well with tears. “Remus, I would never-”
“I know dove, I know.” Remus insisted, reaching up to take your face in both of his, quickly wiping at the tears falling from your lower lashes. “I know you wouldn’t. I know that, I just- I didn’t think it was possible for me, I didn’t think I’d ever be able to have kids.”
You sucked in a shuddering breath and closed your eyes, clearly trying to will away the onslaught of emotions. Remus felt like scum of the earth.
“I never imagined I’d ever get a chance like this.” He whispered.
“Well,” you offered primly, and Remus could tell you were working hard to imbue a certain levity to your words, “I’m not sure that you should, now. Taking off on me like that.”
Remus knew you were joking, but he sighed at you as he pouted his lips. “M’so sorry, dove.”
“You should be.” You agreed, though you leaned forward to press your forehead against his.
The two of you sat in silence for some time; you evening out your breathing, and Remus drawing circles with his thumbs where they rested on your arms as his legs started to cramp.
“Are you really going to have my baby?” He whispered then; the weight of the words finally settling somewhere deep within his soul, though not unpleasantly.
“Well, yes, but I’m not going to do it on my own.” You responded, sitting up to look at Remus imploringly. “So what do you say, Lupin? Are you in or out?”
In, of course. All the way in; for as long as he lived, for as long as you wanted him, he was in. He was all in.
#marauders era#marauders au#marauders fanfiction#reader insert#self insert#remus lupin#remus lupin fic#remus lupin x reader#remus lupin x you#remus lupin fanfiction#remus lupin blurb#remus lupin drabble#remus lupin imagine#marauders#the marauders#hp marauders#remus lupin fluff#fem!reader#marauders as dads#pregnant!reader#pregnancy trope#pregnancy fic#black!sister#ellecdc fics#background jilypad
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You know what? I will not be be quiet.
youtube
^(just an example of what I am talking about) I wish I could live everyday not having to worry and not having to listen to the people I love panicking or just saying “Welp guess we are fucked”. But because so many people believed in this asshole and voted for him, I have to fear for the lives of people, REAL PEOPLE, some of whom not so long ago did not have any rights or freedoms as much as the average American. THIS IS NOT NEGOTIABLE, PEOPLE’S LIVES ARE AT STAKE. Not just their mortality but their basic right to happiness. THEIR RIGHT AS PEOPLE TO LIVE HOW THEY PLEASE IN THE PUBLIC EYE AND TO FEEL PROUD OF WHO THEY ARE.
I’ve heard people call other’s dramatic.
Those who think the reaction of minorities is dramatic do not know the fear of being deemed less important to the world. I don’t even fully know what that’s like and I don’t want to know. I don’t want anyone to know what it’s like for the world to turn their back on them. It’s a very real feeling that I wouldn’t wish on anyone! I WANT TO SEE THE PEOPLE I LOVE BEING HAPPY. I WANT TO SEE THE WORLD HAPPY. But that’s too much to ask, isn’t it?
I may not fully understand the struggles of every minority. I’ve been fortunate enough to have lived a childhood where discrimination against any part of me has been minimal.
I am a person who was born as female and identifies as female. I am a person of color. I am queer. I am neurodivergent. The majority of my peers and friends are minorities. And I care very deeply about all of them. I don’t hate many things in the world. I believe hate only fosters bitterness. But I will not hide the fact that I HATE seeing the people I care about, no matter how little I know them or how distant the relationship, hurting. I HATE knowing that I can’t immediately take their pain away and tell them not to worry.
Cause who am I to say you or the people around you shouldn’t worry? Who am I to promise it’ll be okay? Who am I to wish for a better world when it feels like the cards are constantly stacked against us.
Who is anyone to call someone else dramatic for fearing the future? When this is the world we live in.
I want to say my peace on the matter cause I feel it would be doing my loved ones a disservice to keep my voice left unheard. To bottle up your thoughts is the give in to the fear.
TELL THE WORLD HOW YOU FEEL. TELL THE WORLD AND SOMEONE WILL COME TO LISTEN. You are not dramatic for being scared. But do not suffer alone. There is always someone who will listen. Always someone who feels the same. Always someone who will appreciate knowing they aren’t alone and that you are with them.
And for those who don’t care or don’t believe this is a big deal, I will not beg. I will not ask. I will tell you to educate yourself and learn about reality we’ve been thrusted into. And if anything, how this affects you too. Cause otherwise there is nothing I can do for you and nothing I will do because there are others I know who appreciate and acknowledge what I have to say. There are others who will stand with me. There are people I want to stand with because they are people that believe and care about me and the millions of people who will be affected by the choices and ignorance of others.
I stand with open arms to those who need it. Who needs support. I will not say please stand with me. I will say I am here and I will stay here and be here no matter what and if you choose to stand with me, that’s your choice.
I will not beg for the freedom to exist and neither should you.
#important#educate yourself#before you assist in making lives worst#us politics#speaking my mind#rant#vent#dont give up#im here#im with you#Youtube
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Racing Hearts Pt. 5
Pairing: F1!Driver!JasonTodd x Reporter!Reader
A/N: sorry for the late late late update 😭 i was having so much problems with trying to enjoy this series again that I felt that if i rushed it it would ruin the series for not just me but a lot of people. Thank you for all the patience and i hope u enjoy this much needed chapter. ENJOY and flowers for all of u 😫💐 like if you’re comfortable and please tell me your thoughts as the story continues <3
Check out the Racing Hearts Masterlist!
Word Count: 1.9k (sorry but i’ll work my way up again 💪)
Jason finally had time to check his phone. He removed any miscellaneous notifications he forgot to silent before getting to the track this morning, but he was checking for a familiar name and icon.
It was like a little surge was invading his bones. He couldn’t help smiling at your conversations, it was like he was back to a teenager nervously trying to talk to a crush, but he didn’t have a lot of experience with those.
The times he rarely did have a fling, he kept it private, left it before it could be a scandal that he would be chewed out for.
But this.
This was new. He knew it was different when he was trying to get any attempt to still make sure you were fine with being with him.
What really made his stomach churn was when he couldn’t bring you to the airport to see him off. It felt wrong to leave your place without you behind him, leaving you to kiss only him goodbye, but not asking to follow him to the airport.
He tried to brush off the feeling the entire flight, but he couldn’t squish the thought that he wanted you here. That other than a quick romance, he could talk to you about his personal life, and he was fighting to throw you on the next plane so you could watch him race.
Maybe a dramatic kiss after he won would be nice. But, that was too cliché.
While deep in his thoughts, Roy tried to peak over Jason’s shoulder, trying to see what he was looking at, but it was not smart to try that on such a tall man. All he could manage to see was an open browser with plane flights.
“You tryna leave me here by myself?” Roy calmly asked, keeping his eyes down at the phone.
Jason frowned, not surprised at the nosey man.
“You get a little friend and now you want to leave me?” Roy feigned tears, placing his hands gently onto Jason’s shoulders. “If you must, then go! I can get us a championship. I can handle that for us.”
Jason sighed, closing his phone.
“Shouldn’t you be watching Lian? Why are you bothering me and what are you talking about?” He asked.
“Lian’s always with the crew, she’s more interested in the buttons than behind the wheel—don’t try to distract me, I’m not stupid, Jaybird. I knew you were a two timer.” Roy pointed an accusing finger into Jason’s face. “I saw that interview and I know that look in your eyes. I even commented on that video.”
“Uh, huh.” Jason ignored him and walked away, this time looking back at his phone to try to type, not reacting to Roy’s antics.
“I’m surprised your brothers haven’t bothered you about it. Dick’s gonna be jealous when I tell him you’re trying to get a flight back for love.” Roy aimlessly followed Jason, adjusting the cap on his head as he playfully wiggled his brows.
“That dickwad is probably too busy hiding behind a badge for that. He needs to find better things to do than bother me.” Jason stopped pacing, looking back at the red hair tail that can’t seem to get off him. “And you need to watch your daughter and also stop bothering me.”
“That’s what I’m here for.” Roy sung. “Just me and you on this track forever, plus Lian, never leaving each other while we embrace—with Lian, of course.” He opened his arms for a hug.
Jason gave Roy an impassive look, not bothered to even give him an expression.
Still with open arms and a smile on his face, Roy waited before a small voice shouted out.
“JayJay! JayJay!” Lian’s small shout catches Roy’s attention.
“My Lian!” Roy reached out to grab his daughter walking with one of the crew members, finally relieving them from their babysitting duty. “No Jaybird today, Lian, he’s trying to run away.” He cooed happily to his daughter as she laughed, large noise cancelling headphones were bouncing around her neck and a bright smile spread on her face as he booped her nose.
“I’m not—the flight isn’t for me.” Jason sighed, not willing to look at Roy fully in the eyes.
Roy’s eyes widened as he heard the admission. A small silence lingered.
Lian broke the pause by reaching out for Jason. She made small grabby hands before he immediately gave in to grab her underneath her arms, settling on his chest.
She whispered a small “JayJay” before laying her head down, exhausted from an hour of playing while Roy and Jason were busy racing in the practice sessions.
While Jason patted Lian’s back soothingly, Roy watched as the two most important people in his life were embracing. It brought a smile to his face.
“I’m happy for you, Jaybird.”
It was all that was said between the two as Lian closed her eyes, but Jason felt content. He was given support.
—
“I’m never afraid of the track, it’s the fastest you can ever be on the ground and I wanna be the best.” Jason spoke to the interviewer on your TV screen, the Australian sun surrounding his face.
“How important is this race for you?” The off-screen voice asked Jason.
“Every race is important. I’ve gotten RedBull multiple wins these past couple years and I want to add another one. I feel better than I’ve ever have.”
You sat on your couch, dinner in your lap, watching your partner on screen wave goodbye, giving one final dazzling smile while taking off to his car.
He looked like he was in his element, a kind of happiness that only sprouted in him from Formula 1. A kind of motivation used for racing.
“Welcome to another race of the Formula One World Championship. What a great weekend to continue a new season.” The introduction boomed from your TV, setting up the Sunday excitement, ready to end another race weekend.
Ding. Ding. Your phone notifications rung next to you as you took a bite of your dinner.
You: I told you to hold a peace sign to the camera, now you owe me dinner
(Handsome) Mr. Todd: *thumbs down your message*
You laugh at your phone screen.
You: Loser
(Handsome) Mr. Todd: *thumbs down your message*
You: Send me a picture of you in your gear
As you wait for the reply, your TV catches your attention. A driver you’ve never seen before now standing in front of the microphone.
“Todd? How is that guy a threat? He just hides behind the RedBull emblem, but he’s nothing but another racer.” The raspy voice sent a chill through you.
“Jason Todd is a back-to-back four-time World Champion, do you plan on breaking that streak?” The interviewer pressed on.
“Ha! Like that’s hard, did you see how he crashed his vehicle last year? Bet he wouldn’t want that happening again, huh?” The man’s voice twisted something in you.
Formula 1 did have it’s competitive moments, but how was someone like this rude man competing?
Ding.
(Handsome) Mr. Todd: please I am more than my body
Despite Jason’s words, a flattering picture of him came in. A good look at his hands and body in the RedBull uniform. Gosh, you missed him.
You saved the photo with a smile on your face. A new lock screen.
You: don’t injure that pretty face of yours <3
“Thank you for the interview, good luck on your race.” The interviewer finished up, stepping in front of the camera to replace the rude driver.
You glanced up to get one final look at the screen, watching the rude racer walk away, expecting him to get bombarded with another interviewer and a brand new set of cameras, but he walked in a different direction, away from the crowd.
You were confused at the racer breaking the long chain of interviews happening on race day.
At the very edge of the camera, you could see the racer joining another man, adorned in a suit, turning his head sideways, but you couldn’t recognize who that was.
You whipped out your laptop. Maybe you missed an upcoming rookie the last year or there must’ve been a change you missed in the racing industry.
Your mind buzzed remembering the blurry man putting his arm around the rookie racer before your ringtone shouted at you.
Life is a Highway started to play as Jason’s contact picture brightened on the screen, a nice side view picture of his smiling face when you took him out for dinner.
You quickly picked up.
“Hey Jay! How’s Australia?” You gleefully asked, contrasting glancing back and forth to the TV screen and your laptop before the camera changed to the racetrack, no longer seeing the mysterious men.
“It’s fun when Roy isn’t talking his ass off.” Jason’s voice faded as he yelled at Roy to back off from him. “I gotta race soon, but I just wanted to hear ya before I had to leave. God, I miss you.”
Your breath hitched hearing Jason be so direct. You tried to reason with yourself that it was from the adrenaline before the race, but it made you feel like you were floating off the couch.
“I miss you too. Maybe when you have a chance to get back here, we can go out to eat like we normally do.” You suggested, a little more brightness in your voice.
You watched the compilation of Jason’s previous races playing on the screen. You saw him zooming down the narrow lanes at horrifying speeds as you heard him softly speak to you through your phone.
“I wanna fly you out here before then. I mean, I’ll be down for Vegas, but that’s too long. I gotta get you down here next to me.” Jason’s voice smoothly went in and out of your ears.
Your felt yourself reddening at his delightful words to you.
“I’ll see what I can do about work leave, but maybe i’ll take a couple sick days?” You spoke to Jason, happiness surging through you. “I would really love to fly out there.”
A loud engine roared through your phone, cutting off Jason’s voice briefly.
“Shit, sorry about that, I gotta go. I lo—” Jason hesitated before he was about to end the call, following up by several louder engines revving, overshadowing his voice despite how close he was to the phone. “I, uh, I’ll call you later.”
“Stay safe, Jay.”
“Wouldn’t want it any other way.”
Beep.
The call clicked to end. No longer hearing the bustle around Jason as he was inching closer to his race.
Your heart beat rapidly in your ears as you continued to hold your phone in your hand despite the call ending moments ago.
You can’t assume.
There are numerous words that start with that sound. Maybe it was a mistake?
—
“What the fuck, Roy?” Jason yelled over Roy revving his engine multiple times. “I was almost done—will you stop—Roy!”
Roy lifted his foot, no longer making the obnoxious noise.
“Get your helmet on, we gotta go. If you win, then you can talk on the phone all ya want.” Roy was ready to pull onto the track. “Unless you want to stay on the phone and I can win this for us?”
Roy laughed as he sped off.
Jason sighed in disbelief as he walked back to get make sure the final checks on his car were done.
Roy was the only one who could compete with him on the track, so maybe his words weren’t just to instigate him.
He needed to focus because he wanted to see you and win while you were with him.
Jason put on his helmet, getting any last-minute safety precautions checked before he got the signal to drive out.
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Crying sobbing screaming, who wants to write the sex scenes in my fics for me
I'll pay in edits and eternal gratitude idk
#bah rambles#i literally worked with the seggs industry#aND YET I'M SO SELF CONSCIOUS#EATS DRYWALL#its the Catholic upbringing I'm SURE#please this is just me being dramatic ignore it#EATS CABLES
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can someone please banish this writer's block for me 😫
it's the worst i've had in such a long time and i've tried to be patient with it but it's been fucking weeks now. i want to write so much but whenever i try they just feel like words on a page. every evening i sit down and rearrange them a little here and there and add some new ones, but they all just feel empty and and shit and my brain feels totally devoid of the creative spark i need to make everything come to life.
i know in large part it's my perfectionism getting in the way, but i don't know how to break through it. i don't know how to feel connected to my writing again. i don't know how to shift this fear of not being good enough that surges up every time i pick up a pen.
it's something that's always been there - but usually it at least comes in waves, or my love of what i'm creating is big enough to muffle it. right now, it's all i can hear. my inspiration has been totally drowned out by it. and i hate it so, so much. the fact that i can't access the one thing that brings me the kind of solace and joy and escapism i can't get anywhere else and is so vital to my soul. that i am blocking myself from engaging in the one thing that makes me feel like me.
i just feel so stuck and so lost and i miss being in that creative headspace so much it’s like a physical pain. it feels like part of me is missing, and it terrifies me that i don't know how to get it back.
#rambling this out in the hopes it might help me shift something#please feel free to ignore#it's incredibly frustrating because i have been SO excited to write these next few chapters of four walls for literal months#and i do have a decent chunk of the next chapter done#and also bits written for later sections too#but i just. i can't get into the headspace#it all just feels so far away and whenever i try and write it's like i'm pushing it even further away#ughhhhhhhhhhhh#i hate this so much#(and don't even get me started on my original stuff or my bang fic 🫠)#also anyone who's reading this and feeling worried about four walls being updated#please don't be#it's 2am and i'm being dramatic#i'll find a way to make it all work again because i love that fic with my whole heart#i just don't know how to shift this right now and i needed somewhere to vent#if anyone has any words of wisdom or writer's block cures please share 🫶#writing stuff#lulu posts
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disordered eating but in a late diagnosed ADHD way where you used food to self medicate growing up and also regulate your emotions leading to a super duper unhealthy relationship with food and taking away your natural ability to read your bodies needs so you work hard to separate your emotions from food except you overcorrect and now you are unable to eat when there’s an emotion and also you tend to ignore your bodies needs cause it’s nice when you don’t feel like your whole life is controlled by every lil basic need you could feel except it’s an overcorrection and food no longer gives you pleasure and is just this huge thing that needs way too much effort and time that you hate a lot so you ignore your body when you can which gives you new health issues which makes food even less fun which puts you into this vicious cycle of food in fact being the enemy
#tw ed#i don’t have an ed but i do have slightly disorded eating habits and urgh#like I’ve been feeling so shitty and unfocused all day and i thought it was cause of lack of sleep and caffeine but tbh it’s really cause#I’ve been refusing to actually feed my body lately and it’s not on purpose but food just doesn’t give me joy and it’s blah#and also i have so much acid in my stomach at this point so i’d rather not eat cause at least then i cannot throw up things#and i do not have diarrhea#your body cannot expell what isn’t in your body#anyways please ignore me being dramatic i had a kebap and it was good and i had an apple today that made me happy
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I never feel right
I have too much energy
I'm exhausted
I eat too much
I want to eat more
I need to scream
I will die if I have to make any noise
I need to kick something
I need to be hugged and cradled and read little pointless affirmations
I need to feel right
I need to die
I need to stay alive long enough to finish school
I need to feel
Feeling is painful
I am a contradiction
I hate myself
I hate life
I don't want to be alive anymore
Please help
Somebody please rip the skin off my body
Somebody tell me it will be ok
Somebody cuddle me and keep me warm
Somebody burn me alive
I can't
Please help
#vent#tw death mention#tw sui ideation#somebody help#i can't do this anymore#please#tw eating issues#help#actually maybe ignore this#don't worry about me#i don't matter#i'll be fine#in the morning#I'm just being dramatic#I don't even have that many problems#goddammit#I'm such a whiny asshole#why any of you willingly interact with me i don't know#you're too kind#it's unfair
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#feeling a lot of feelings today#about tdp yes#and arc 3 and everything and idk im feeling kinda weird rn 😔#can’t really express what im actually feeling because im bad at that but i feel this really big weight on my chest bruuuuuuuu#maybe im overthinking this (i am) but especially seeing how some long running shows turned out i just#i have my concerns#please don’t give me httyd homecoming part two#im being very dramatic and im also nitpicking DEAR GOD ignore this stuff i just needed to write it out okay bye#alex talks#vent post#alex talks in tags
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or alternatively:
was trying to figure out a way to organically shorten mary margaret's name and give her a nickname that DOESN'T take literally forever to say and/or type and is also super affectionate for fanfic purposes. drew up a lot of blanks cause there's no way to combine her two names well since they both start with "mar-" unless it's mar mar which just sounds plain silly, so i thought why not cut off the "mar-" from each name since they're redundant and combine those halves instead?? well, you know what that gives you??
ry garet
or, when you pronounce that the way her name is pronounced
regret
like damn regina just HAD to let her vendetta show fkshfsdkh
(yes i know that meta wise she was actually named after the women that inspired the fairy tales of snow white but this is just an amusing and also completely nonsensical thought that i decided to share with the void for funsies. cue the x-files theme music)
#ignore the fact that no accent i know of actually pronounces regret with a long e vowel please and thank you#yeah i put regret in italics cause i'm a dramatic bitch what's it to you#i'm just being a silly goose#i think i've finally gone delulu#why does the factorised version of mary margaret's name have the same energy as wybie#idk what agenda this is but trust me i'm spreading it#please someone back me up on this#ouat#once upon a time#mary margaret blanchard#snow white#ouat theory#ouat headcanon#regina mills#the evil queen
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agggghhhhhhhhghghgh my love-hate relationship with writing character bios...
#it's SO MUCH. summarizing a character's life... UGGGHHHGH#i love it & i hate it. i want so badly to write this nice & detailed page but i'm also overwhelmed with how much there is to try & pack in#grabbing my brain and shaking it around like pleASE DON'T BACK OUT ON ME HERE#there's a whole timeline page too which i LOVE but again. summarizing events... the bane of my existence#why can't i just pluck all the thoughts out of my head & paste it onto the page huh??? why can't i do that????#why do i have to find the right words; put them all together in a legible sentence; and physically type it all out????#gnawing my stupid fingers off trying to get this carrd done brb#(i am literally just complaining & being dramatic; ignore me lmfao)#━━ ˟ ⊰ ✰ ooc ⋮ don't @ me.
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lol ignore this 🙃
i can't stop crying at work because everything in my life is going wrong and this stupid shit with my stupid cousin and family is upsetting me so much and it shouldn't be and i feel so fucking stupid for being bothered by this bc it's what i wanted!!! but no i'm wrong again and this time they're just all fully cutting me off and i'm working non fucking stop and still can't afford anything bc the world is going to absolute fucking shit and i'm just so sick of feeling like i can't do anything right ever and i've been feeling suicidal every fucking day for an entire fucking MONTH because of everything and my cousin was who i always reached out to when things got bad and i fucking can't because SHES NOT TALKING TO ME and i'm going to cry AGAIN FUCK
i'm so sick of this
i'm so sick of falling apart because of my family
i'm so sick of never being good enough
i'm so sick of feeling like this
i'm so fucking tired
#ignore this#i just need to cry about this#and i don't wanna worry my friends#so im gonna scream into the void#i know im just being dumb and dramatic im sorry#tw suicidal thoughts#please feel free to not read any of this and ignore me#i'm not going to do anything#i'm just#i'm so fucking tired#i haven't felt this consistently suicidal since high school#and im just. im so tired#im so fucking sick and tired of feeling this way#i just want a fucking break#i'm literally sobbing in the bathroom typing this up#why can't i catch a fuckimg break fuck#personal rambles#not important#not stargate
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I know it's because I'm single and bitter. But I swear to fucking god if my roommate and his boyfriend don't stop talking about the messages they get on Grindr I might fucking explode.
#genuinely I am becoming full of violence and vile hate. hate. let me tell you how much I've come to hate you since i began to live- /ref#seriously though SHUT THE FUCK UP!! PLEASE!!!! IM FUCKING BEGGING YOU#*shaking them violently while letting out a strangled scream*#if any of you suggest I just get on there/any dating apps as well you will be tossed into the pit of ire these fucking two are in btw.#i don't feel comfortable with or trust dating apps. and the messages they fucking talk about do not help with those feelings 😐#anyway I love having my boundaries and room rules completely ignored on the daily ✌️/s#it definitely does not make me want to kms!! /s#(im not going to do anything pls dont worry friends who follow me here I'm just being Dramatic. it does kinda make me feel like that though+#+genuinely. like i wish it didnt but most sources of inconvenience or discomfort make me feel like that these days.)#(psych appointment in august though!! [@ myself ->] Get Well Soon Bitch!)#txt
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.
#sry I need to vent more abt my tattoo pain bc I physically cannot do anything productive rn im completely and totally incapacitated#can’t read anything beyond short posts or texts. can’t eat or move at all#tried to sleep through it so it would at least Be Tomorrow so I can get medical help. but the jolts of pain make me like Jump#hence me being sent home from work early today like it’s not even that I was complaining I was just flinching involuntarily so much#and was unable to work or function at all. thank god I don’t work retail rn I remember the pain of tattoo infections in that context#it’s so Abrupt it feels like I’m being stabbed or repeatedly bitten#literally trying not to scream bc I have a roommate. but he almost certainly hears me crying and saying ouch#which sucks bc I barely know the guy lol he has no context. At least on my drive home I could scream as much as I needed#literally would go to the ER if I could afford it and that sounds so dramatic bc it is#it doesn’t feel like it can wait. genuinely don’t know how I’m gonna get through the night#I haven’t slept in like 60 hours and I doubt I will tonight. but it hurts too much to even tell if I’m tired#and I don’t have time for this!! I have so much I need to be doing. I hate that the only way I can have Time is to be Extra Disabled#in a way that leaves me completely unable to do the things I normally can fight through despite burnout#and I was just at health services yesterday asking them to do insurance paperwork that they couldn’t do#it’s embarrassing having to be like hey I was just there but can I come back#I have Another tattoo infection but I pinky promise I take such good care of them#and my artist is like the best of the best too. it’s like it doesn’t matter what either of us does to keep me safe#and I know if anyone responds to this it will be to tell me to stop getting tattoos#but that’s literally like telling me not to get top surgery if I’m immunocompromised n might have recovery complications#both are equally important gender affirming medical procedures to me I’m not joking#and I hate always having to justify this whilst in agonizing pain. I hate answering the same things every time bc still no one believes me#I say this as someone who lives every moment in baseline pain that would have your average person writhing on the floor and I ignore it#this is truly unbearable if I hadn’t been through it a million times I would think it was life threatening#just needed to get it out ig. bc it’s all I can physically do. until health services opens in 12 hours#PLEASE let them have availability tomorrow bc i have literally no option on weekends#this is just. so upsetting and embarrassing. I don’t have time or emotional capacity for this#personal#mine#vent post
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Happiness feels performative. I don’t remember what it’s supposed to feel like but I don’t think it’s this.
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Just blocked and reported a bunch of bots. Might have accidentally reported one or two real people sorry!!!!! Please make your blog have some personality i literally can't tell if you're real when you leave everything blank
#also. some of my latest art has insane ratios like 60 reblogs to 300 likes. i haven't had the energy to check if those likes are spam#mainly because either option is very discouraging. like. either 60% of my interactions are bots or people who don't care about my art#and like i know that's dramatic but. i just can't help feeling a little bitter about it#like. I'm trying to share my art here. I'm trying to convey my feelings. I'm trying to transmit a message and people are....#i don't know. i feel like even if i get a like they are using me. i don't care for nunbers. i want interaction. comments thoughts#not a like!!!#i don't want to seem entitled!!!! i really don't!!!! i completely get it when people don't like my stuff that's fine#but when i look at a post with 400 notes and see that i have 1 comment and three reblogs with actual thoughts on them#i treasure those comments like my life depends on it. but after posting so much and this being so constant. i can't help but feel bad.#I'd actually rather you ignore my art altogether. and like. i know other people do like likes. this is i guess very personal#God I'm rambling#random#delete later#if you disagree please don't tell me. i understand that other people view this differently. i don't want to attack anyone's opinion#I'm just frustrated
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anywy time to work out so i can be in pain tomorrow again <3
#i am in vague pain right now because i have such a weird response to these painkillers#it doesnt like. actively hurt anymore or i can like ignore it in a way but it isn't actually going away just kinda fading into the bg#but my wrist(s) still feel extremely weak in this extremely uncomfortable way :/#im pain free enough to do my baby mode exercises but like. yesterday i also barely did anything and got nuked for it after so :')#this body is a mystery. a murder mystery in which i am being actively killed goodnight#elia txts#i need to be dramatic abt it it SUCKS#please PLEASE let there be a reward for sticking to this routine. please let me recover i promise i will go on daily walks for the rest of#my life!!!!!!!!!!!!! just let me be able to draw again please :'(((
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