#please someone relate to this and assure me I’m not crazy

[mtmlabrys]

I don’t experience delusions but I know this addition isnt exactly gonna find the masses so I’ll add some specific things that I’ve been told I do well by a friend who experiences Psychosis. In terms of an external delusion, one that doesn’t necessarily affect the person’s perception of themselves but rather their perception of the outside world, and the specific case I helped work through (an outside entity that had malicious intent) here’s what worked:

One, assure them that they’ll be okay, even if they don’t believe you, it’s the same as helping someone through a depressive episode or any distress in this aspect; if you are confident, that’s something they might be able to latch onto. Keep your confidence, don’t panic, don’t yell.

Two, ask them questions. this one is very tricky and obviously cant always apply if they cant or wont communicate. If it’s hard for them to speak or communicate in any way, make the questions yes or no “one for yes two for no” questions. I always included 3 and 4 for “i don’t know at all” and “maybe” but be wary of overwhelming. Avoid asking about the delusion if possible, I often asked where it was, and like previous posts mentioned, would look and say “I don’t see anything there okay?” but I can’t necessarily recommend that as surefire. Avoid glancing at where it is, avoid looking like you’re like, watching it to make sure.

Do ask, if they can communicate, if they want space or comfort. A hug and a hold against the chest to keep them looking away can do a lot, but you can imagine the potential claustrophobia. Their response likely deeply depends on your relationship with the person, and assure them that if they do need a hug you are there, but do NOT be offended if a close friend literally thinking you’re both about to be sucked into hell doesn’t want a hug to comfort them right this second.

Also ask what you can do. This goes for all distressful outbreaks- “do you need to talk about it or do you need to be distracted” goes a long way. If they need to be distracted, ask if they need you to talk or if they need a conversation (4/5 times they need a ramble to latch onto in my experience). please be careful not to talk about sad or existential things, you know? Conversations with / stories about mutual friends, and projects you’re working on both work for rambling. Opt for real world things they can relate to the real world.

Three, like previously mentioned, don’t invalidate the fear, don’t validate the illusion. State plainly what is happening in your experiences: “I don’t see any monster around in the room. The fan is on, but I don’t hear any major sounds besides that.” Tell them when something intense does happen, “I heard that door open too, it was probably my mom.” Notice how any time I’m talking about the delusion or anything that they might think is part of the delusion, I’m talking about my experiences. We likely both agree that the fan is running so I’m less careful about my language with that, but I use that to contrast the things I don’t hear, not the things that aren’t happening. It’s not about telling them they’re wrong, it’s about inviting them to think they might be.

Do tell them that it’s okay to be scared. Let them know that even though they are safe, you understand what’s wrong. Make them feel understood as best you can, and then say, “I’m not currently experiencing any of the scary things you described, but I know that you are scared, and that is very much a real feeling, and I want to help you feel less scared no matter what the reason is. The danger isn’t real, but your fear is. that’s okay.” They’re still human. Depending on the nature of the delusion and their personality, they might be thinking “They think I’m crazy and I’m being a burden by making them deal with me.” if you know the person well enough to know they might feel that way, assure them of the opposite.

Hopefully this goes without saying but if you’re not careful it’s such an easy and potentially major slip up that i have to say: DONT BRING UP NEW THINGS IF THEY ARENT HAPPENING. This is hard because you can’t always know, but DO be wary of the fact that your assurance can lead to new confusion. If they haven’t said anything about the walls, DONT assure them that the walls aren’t made of slime. Don’t tell them that something bad isnt happening if they didn’t say it was happening. The way to do this is to ask “is there anything happening with (general statement don’t be too specific: the environment around you, noises, you or them)” and if the answer is no, you say “okay, good, that’s what my experience is too.”

Remember that the “make sure they dont think you hate them” advice only applies if you know the person well enough to know. Don’t tell them they’re not crazy or that you’re not mad if they don’t bring it up, because they might go “holy shit i AM crazy and i AM a burden, that’s not even a fear i considered before.” and if your words arent enough to console that fear immediately as it happens, then you’ve got a new problem. again, you could ask if you’re unsure, “are you worried that this is causing some kind of problem for me? (again, be general)” and if they answer no say “good, thats absolutely right, i want to be here helping you” and if they answer yes say “everything is perfectly okay with me, can you tell me what you’re worried about?”

if you’re using the yes no system, avoiding topics that might be stressful while also bringing up “is this what youre worried about” can be hard. use your best judgement. This can be the trickiest part. You will miss things out of fear of making it worse, and you will ask questions where the answer is no. It’s alright. Everything’s gonna be alright.

Four, be with them all the way. Don’t leave their side, don’t go to interact with the delusion and say “see? nothing.”, don’t go to get water, don’t leave them alone. I’m not talking about experiences with violent behavior, and I don’t have any authority to speak on that, but in terms of fear or just intensity: stay with your friend. Be something real to latch onto.

Additionally, you can prevent some distress in your day to day with a friend who experiences psychosis. One, ask them (when they’re not in an episode) what’s helpful, at least most of the time. What are some good assumptions to make? I suggest asking about comfort vs space, their most common delusions, if asking “is it this one? is it this one?” will make it worse, and of course if there’s anything else that they know helps.

Two, (please ask them if they’d appreciate this first) something I always do is point out things they might attribute to delusion but are in fact real. This helps with the “low level hallucinations constantly” aspect. Weird bump while driving? “Yep, that bump did actually happen. “Weird sound? “Yes, I heard that too, you’re good.” It helps them (again, if they say it does) feel safer with you and just generally a little more secure, and also helps to separate delusion from reality- the whole point of the thing is that they can’t always be present enough to identify their delusions.

Especially when episodes are caused by stress (idk how common this is?) one strange thing that makes them go “wait, am i going crazy?” can be the start of a rough time. Their relatively high level of awareness of the possibility that things might not be real could be exactly what makes them overthink, especially in paranoid cases. Letting them know that it’s all good can snap them back a little bit. I have no idea of this feedback loop commonly actually causes episodes but it can certainly be stressful. Either way, it’s nice to be known.

This was so much greater in scope than I had planned anyways, so I’ll just go further. I remind my friends who don’t experience psychosis that the people who do are often left ostracized and unhelped. I’m talking to you, disabled woman. I’m talking to you, queer autist. I’m talking to everyone who has experienced any hardship whatsoever. Do you like to feel unaccepted because of things beyond your control? Do you like to feel demonized for the way you are? What makes someone else less worthy of love than you? If they are degenerate and crazy, what are you in 10, 5, 2 years?

Think about someone who goes to their friends or family or teachers and says “please help me i’m scared” and gets back, sometimes literally, sometimes implied, “what the fuck is wrong with you?” If you get nothing else from all this: Please be kind to your friends. Please be kind to strangers. Please help people as best as you can. Please accept those who are unaccepted, no matter if they are less or more unaccepted than you. Please, above all else, be understanding. Unconditionally, be understanding. Please.

Not to undercut an emotional ending, but I am morally obliged to say that this is MY experience on what HAPPENED to work when helping someone ELSE with an issue SPECIFIC to them, and that I also was working with some other prior knowledge of the person. Everything i said here is a ‘maybe’, including the things i said apply to every situation- I do believe they apply to most breakdowns, but not every person. I don’t know how much any of this applies to other types of delusions or other intensities or other specific people. If people who experience psychosis reply to this and say “no this shit is unilaterally wrong” listen to them! If you experience delusions and haven’t been treated this way and think it will help, i implore you to show/explain this to your loved ones. You are loved and worthy of respect and good treatment. Also please do correct me if I used words interchangeably that I shouldn’t have, made a nuanced error or a vast one, made any false equivalences, or just said the wrong words etc. Thank you so much if you read this. Please be understanding of those around you. Unconditionally. Please. I love you.

No doctor will ever get my respect like the woman in the ER who checked me for claws and fangs because I told her I was turning into a werewolf and could feel it and let me know gently that she couldn't find any but that didnt make it feel any less real, like THATS how you do it, other doctors who just flat out told me I was wrong take notes

[stabbyfoxandrew]

Okay installment three—hopefully I think I’m correct on the number—commence!

I love that the landmarks transform during the tournament, that’s a cool detail (and of course they contain items that are useful in murdering your competitors. Of course)

All these families suck don’t they. Innes and Briony only have each other, Alistair’s situation speaks for itself (seriously fuck then), Isobel didn’t matter to hers until they could use her, Gavin has essentially been written off as a failure to his since the day he was born.

Innes doesn’t even want it she’s terrified! ‘And so, in the shadow of her family’s Landmark, I chosen, unwanted, Briony Thorburn vowed that this ending would somehow be caused by her’ —love this yes Briony!!

Isobel going over in her head ‘the more each of those faces felt like someone else’s sister or brother, daughter or son’ is fucking me up. Isobel’s father is textbook manipulation and I just feel so bad for her right now. Isobel making the Reaper’s Embrace…ugh…I hope she’s okay…oh fuck she can’t use magic isobel Isobel ISOBEL!!!!

‘Good luck’ sounding like ‘goodbye’ oh I love that. ‘There was no point in arguing about the morality of the curse. It was what it was, and Gavin wasn’t going to feel guilty about wanting to survive it’ —oh Gavin yes. This is a curse, saying don’t do it! isn’t going to stop it from happening. And Gavin, I assure, Alistair has a very good reason for getting dead drunk right before the tournament (I am still absolutely not okay). Gavin self-mutilation…just because you can refill spells with your life force doesn’t mean you should. Just saying.

Fuck fuck fuck HENDRY. ‘The Lowe boy. No longer one of them’ oh it isn’t plural anymore this is so painful right now.

Even Gavin’s family was somewhere else while he was getting called up. Oh Finley does fencing! (sorry I know that’s somewhat off topic just can’t help it <3 ). Alistair’s list of accomplishments being the people he’s related to by blood but not including HENDRY perhaps the only one who matters fucks me up.

Oh this is so interesting. Thank you again for listening / recommending / existing <33 (I feel like one of those days I’m going to forget to put it on anon and my brains gonna roll one of those really low quality reveals that happens in spy movies. Like haha, it me! Rips the sunglasses off and squints because the sun’s too bright for me to see)

—💖💖

yeah! i thought that was really cool too! at first i somehow thought the tournament grounds were like... Off Limits or something. but they're just Places! like they exist all the time and transform when needed. also omg yeah the relics! those are cool as fuck!

YES all the seven families are Horrid! hate them. TWT

i knowwww ahhhh briony.

and ISOBEL. bitch TELL SOMEONE that you're fucked up?! please??? no? okay yeah walk into the crazy murder game with no magic powers SMART! TWT

ahhh gavin just eyeing Alistair (he does that a lot)

THE lowe boy, that inflicted harm upon me as well TWT

gavin's family just 'oh we already have his burial plot paid off what does it matter' :((((( i hate them. also yeah! that's cool. but poor alistair. but honestly, if they'd mentioned hendry's name... it would've hurt as well. TWT

!!!! <3<3<3<3 of course my dear! i'm glad you're enjoying it! can't wait for you to get to the Tournament! <333

[georgi-girl]

Babble: Track 16

I believe the world is burning to the ground

Oh well, I guess, we're gonna find out

Let's see how far we've come!

I believe the world is coming to an end

Oh well, I guess, we're gonna pretend

Let's see us far we've come!

@@@@

Rest assured, there’s a perfectly reasonable explanation.

You just don’t know the lengths us we old timers go through for a little quality time with our family.

You two are like the mystery twins.

I don’t know how a lemon so sour can be related to a peach so sweet.

The future is in the past. Onward Aoshima!

I like these guys.

I guess we’re both freaks.

Man, revenge is underrated that felt awesome.

Everything is different now.

Why is it that whenever you’re around there’s always ghosts and monsters or whatever?

I dare say you would’ve defeated me, if it wasn’t for your sibling bickering.

I ate a man alive tonight.

We put the "fun" in "No Refunds".

My voice may not be perfect, but it’s mine and I wouldn’t change it for anything.

Don’t you know what it’s like to fall for someone, even though you know in your heart that it’ll probably never work out, but you’d do anything for that person?

@You had me at shut up old man.

Why don’t you just leave me alone?!

BROS BEFORE DINOS!

You leave our uncle’s brain alone you isosceles monster!

Every victory you had was because of this book.

Without it I can’t help you or Stan, or anyone.

Kids listen: This town is crazy, so you need to be careful. I don’t know what I would do with myself if you got hurt on my watch.

I have more fun with you than like practically anyone else. And if you ever stopped being my friend, I would like throw myself into the bottomless pit.

What did you say you little trolls? I will sue you! I will sue you and I will own you!

Who would sacrifice everything they worked for just for their dumb sibling?

... Dipper would.

Please let my friends go! I’ll do anything you want I promise!

Welp, I learned nothing from all this.

Have you met my family!?

Maybe I messed up in the past, but that I’ve seen what happened I can begin to put myself together again.

I’ve been being ridiculous this whole time. Whoever my dad was, he can take a hike. I know who my family is now. And it’s you dudes.

I just needed to move on… I’m happy? Weird right?

Our family name is broken! And I’m going to fix it!

Do you really think I’m a bad guy?

You give me my house back, you give me my name back…

As far as I’m concerned, they’re the only family I have left.

In my time I’ve made many powerful enemies. But I trust you with this secret.

Do I really want “Cooked Grifter” written on my tombstone?

It’s time we stopped trying to be so “perfect” and be who we really are.

Confidence can buy you a lot. But at the end of the day, pickup artists tend to get our heads bitten off.

Can you honestly tell me you never felt like you were meant for something more?

You’ll still have your brother with you through thick and thin. Not everyone can say that you know?

Being a hero means… This summer, I’ve seen some amazing things… you need to make up and team up… So close… The best you can do is strive to be someone worthy of loving. Will you tell her what I did?

Let my body be… When you told me… I don’t know what’s… Time to pop your…

 Wait…   I’ve been… Even in… So, I was… Serves that… Don’t you see… If we band together… Holy… Quit the… You’re… I’ve made some… You’re looking at… Thanks for these… Fine I’ll… After all I’ve… If you didn’t… Well maybe… Those weird… I won’t… This was... I just want… Oh no you… What are you… Now’s our… Just so we’re… It looks even… I’m so… I think I’m… No more… I knew I... You must… I’ve tried… Yes yes… Wow… Don’t turn this… Shut up… This is… The rest of… Dang it... Come on… I’ve… I’ll…

@@@@

The last thing they all individually remembered was four big vines coming out of Bill's symbol, briefly making a big green X before branching out and grabbing them and pulling them to the center.

Next thing they knew, they were waking up in a big crater, all fused together, with that wheel branded on their chest. The town was mostly restored to normal. The people... not so much.

"Who are you?"

"I'm... Dipper Pines. No I'm not I'm Mabel Pines. No I'm not I'm Wendy Corderoy. No I'm not, I'm Gideon Gleeful. No I'm not that either, I'm... I'm... I'm going to be sick."

@@@@

One step made an earthquake. One touch mutated their pets.

On August 31, they walked into the woods and kept walking.

"Are you okay?"

they didn't look up.

"Does it matter?"

Something tapped their head. They finally looked up and there, standing on a rock, was an eight-inch pink woman with platinum blond hair and a tail. "Do you mind if I sit here?" she asked.

“What are you?”

“I’m tired is what I am. But the word you’re looking for is Troll.”

“Troll? Like live under a bridge, asks people riddles, turns to stone in the sunlight troll?”

“That’s not how it actually works, but yeah.”

They laughed at the randomness of it all. “Of course! Why not? Gnomes are perverts, unicorns are frauds, angels are hipsters, it totally tracks that troll would be… like you."

"What's wrong with me?" the woman asked offended.

… “Now that I think about it, nothing we guess.” They took a closer look at her. She had full glossy lips, smokey eyes, and wore a two-piece lilac-colored jumpsuit that showed off her midriff. A heart-shaped stone shone in her navel, and her tufted tail had a tambourine hung on it like jewelry.

"We guess, I guess, I... You probably want a different place to relax." They said, still unsure of how to present to others.

The pink troll woman squinted at them, asking "Seriously, are you okay? I haven't met many humans yet, but you seem a bit... off."

"It's... a long story." They admitted.

"Well, luck you. I love long stories." She sat cross-lgged on the rock and stuck her tiny doll hand out. "I'm Rose."

They smiled. "I don't really know who I am anymore but," they shook her hand with their extra finger. "call me Zodiac."

[memorylang]

To Mongolia at Last | #59 | October 2022

I wanted to mark this week’s International Volunteer Day with a key milestone on this blog—my return to Peace Corps service. Chronologically, my last blog story before evacuation was #28. 31 tales later (the same number as the new Peace Corps Mongolia cohort), I resume my Peace Corps Mongolia stories with this #59. 

Before landing back in Mongolia, I was visiting among North America’s most famous places, New York City. From there this time, I’d head back to Nevada. To my surprise, I would even meet someone there from Mongolia. I would help her learn more about my country while we spectated American football. Then I partook in a special walk before heading back to Vegas for packing and friend farewells before departure.

All the while, my ability to return to Mongolia hinged on a negative COVID-19 test. So I did my best to stay cautious around those with whom I met. I’d take the test in Vegas. Passing, I could return at last to Peace Corps Mongolia.

New York Arts

I pick up from rainy Wednesday, Oct. 5, 2O22, the day two months ago when I intended to fulfill a bucket list item that I hadn’t realized till this year that I could fulfill. Such was to to see a musical on Broadway. Both a long-time friend Evan in Reno and a recent friend I met on the death-defying decent from Grinnell Glacier in Glacier National Park this summer assured me I could do this for cheap. This day I go try it. 

For $49 I see my first show on Broadway. It stars Hugh Jackman in “The Music Man.” This was one of two shows (the other being “SIX”) that my friend Evan recommended. Stil I had just seen in Jamaica Plain one evening during the preceeding week that Hugh Jackman agreed to play Wolverine in “Deadpool 3,” I feel even more amazed. For from the moment Jackman proudly reveals himself with a sly grin at the first number’s end, our crowd goes crazy. Hugh’s hilarious, sings, dances and performs superbly. He seems to me among the greatest showmen. 

Opposite Jackman performs an unfamiliar star Sutton Foster, who dazzles, brilliantly. I’m amazed by how comically she emotes. Her numbers, “Goodnight, My Someone” and “My White Knight” pierce me. Her mere expression during the Act I finale captures so many feelings of conflict. She plays a delightfully stoic yet playful person. From grumpily messing around during “Marian, the Librarian” to the way she kicks her leg when exiting after Jackson’s character learns the truth, moments like these introduce me to the cheer of world-class performing arts. 

I remember too that complimentary Katy Perry concert to which I invited a friend on Ash Wednesday this year. Though that vibe was awfully different, showmanship was huge. America’s filled with such talent. 

Hugh Jackman Himself

After curtains close, I see texts from my Reno friend Evan to get him a signed Playbill and to head to the stage doors. I tug a Playbill from a stack then seek directions as to which way to go to find those stage doors. I find my way back out into the wet outdoors easily enough.

To my amazement, Hugh Jackman himself stands with a moderate crowd around, separated from him by only short metal fences. He’s in a casual hoddy and greets people with a calm, warm smile. Before long, he waves his goodbye and ducks back into the cast room. A few other cast members come ‘round back, too, where they greet folks. I’m pleased by how personable the main men are. 

The crowd thins after someone from backstage explains that Foster won’t emerge because of how the humidity will affect her hair. I linger a bit anyway and meet performance-goers who were from the Vegas valley like me! Apparently they’re even related to someone who worked backstage on costumes. Since people aren’t signing Playbills because of the pandemic, I sign Evan’s. 

I pass by the Winter Garden Theater’s raving “Music Man” reviews as I head forth understanding now the praise.

New York Bagel, Fordham and Central Park

My next morning in New York, my friend with whom I’m staying Christina takes me to wander neighboring Bronxville. Here I'm treated to the quintessential New York breakfast of the big bagel, flavorful cream cheese and characteristic coffee. I taste wonderful flavors involving raisins and hazelnuts. Then I hop aboard the train for my penultimate time into town. 

This time my destination is Fordham University. I find my way from the subway to the school’s gate. Like at Harvard, I secure a nice visitor pass online to get in. Inside, on campus, I love its beautiful buildings and grounds. I stop by centers of my interests and get to know staff, too. The worship spaces stun me. Jesuits are awesome. 

After Fordham, I head to Central Park. Walking the paths between the trees reminds me of parks in Seattle and Shanghai. I find a scenic, low stone wall beside the Met and sit upon it to finish my coffee and cream cheese bagel from this morning. I feel surprised by the variety of languages I hear from people in passing. 

Metropolitan Museum of Art

Then I enter the Metropolitan Museum of Art. I beeline for a Byzantine exhibit as soon as I’m in. I hadn’t even considered a Christian Egypt till seeing these artefacts. Medieval and Renaissance Church works further astound me when I see statues depicting familiar Saints, statues produced centuries ago, around when those very believers walked this earth. I’m baffled that the Met even tore out parts of their wall to get certain pieces inside. 

I hustle through the Met’s Asian areas after their exhibits on the ancient Greeks, Romans and Egyptians. I can’t possibly see everything. I recall my priest in Reno even having said the same. I feel nonetheless amazed by what I do see. Most impressive in those final chambers are authentic European paintings, from such artists as Van Gogh, Matisse, Caspar David Freidrich, Turner and more. I actually never get to “Washington Crossing the Delaware.” I peeked through amazing American sections such as the Tiffany windows, though. I figure when I’m next in New York, I better see Washington’s famous painting, first thing. 

New York Finale

After the Met, I walk to the nearby Jesuit parish for Mass. It too is gorgeous. After Mass, I linger outside a little, trying to route myself back north to Tuckahoe. My phone’s about to die, though. Meanwhile, people begin to gather for an event. I remember having seen a pamphlet about this event while exploring the parish where I attended the lunch hour Mass near New York University. 

I wind up going downstairs to the event hall with two people I meet outside the church. The guest speaker is a Muslim woman from Columbia University (a school I wanted to visit, which was unfortunately too far for me). A young man accompanies her inside. I mention briefly what brought me to NYC, and he asks me about my story. As I begin to charge my phone, we sit and talk for a while. He is very interested in my Catholic discernment, though Muslim. I'm fascinated by his experiences of God. I feel as though back in Southeast Asia. 

After our conversation, I continue my journey north. I reunite with Christina and her family for my Last Supper. We celebrate it at a taco place about which they’d raved for days. We're served by friends of Christina's son, which makes the visit extra fun. I even try a kind of street corn (elotes) deliciously flavored with so many things I wasn't expecting! When I get back to the house with the family, I finish my last thank-you card, for them. 

The next morning I celebrate Mass at St. Joseph's across from the train station before bidding my last thanks and farewell to Christina. 

Journey Back to the West

I disembark the Manhattan train one last time in Grand Central. The train upon which I ride drops me off conveniently nearby. This time, though, I wait in the terminal’s wide, tile lobby, searching for someone. Before long, we spot each other, waving excitedly. 

I reunite with one more fellow evacuated Returned Peace Corps Mongolia Volunteer, Monique, M30. She and I hadn't been very close when we were in Mongolia. Still, she had so kindly handwritten and mailed supportive cards of encouragement to me and our cohortmates the month after we evacuated. I especially liked the little leaf shape upon which she wrote mine. To speak with her now in Grand Central feels like getting to know her more fully. 

She treats me to a tasty sandwich, an iced coffee and a huge one of those iconic black-and-white cookies I’d recently heard about. I feel so fancy to get to eat in Grand Central like this. It's bittersweet and exciting too to be heading back west, ahead of my next Peace Corps adventure. But I must test COVID-19 negative on Monday to be in the clear. We hope all is well. 

As I pass from the New York transit system to JFK Airport, I recall clearly when I first came through New York for my Knight of Columbus conferences. I share with the friend with whom I attended one how I'd returned to NYC. Flying out of JFK also reminds me too of how JFK was the airport from which my Peace Corps cohort flew in 2OI9 to Mongolia via Turkey and Kyrgyzstan. JFK felt different, given my experience at his presidential library and museum the previous week. 

While aboard my flight back west, I finish my thank-you letter to the Jesuits who housed me at Boston College. I have a layover in Los Angeles, too, since my itinerary had changed due to flight nationwide cancelations. When I come through LAX, this time, though it feels too familiar. I recall having flown through this airport recently. I remember: I went through here this spring to return to Asia, en route to Malaysia, my first time overseas since the 2O2O evacuation. 

Reno and Mongolia

I disembark my last flight and step outside the airport, from which my Bostonian friend Jim whisks me to my alma mater, the University of Nevada, Reno. Mentors Joe and Mike await me. We attend the university president's tailgate (more like a pumped up outdoor party). I consider taking a photo with the president then remember I already had this summer as a senior counselor at Nevada Boys' State 2O22. 

I learn from my mentor Mike while recounting my time on Broadway that to be able to see performers’ faces is a luxury. My seat was so good that I could see just about everybody’s even slightest expressions! Now I could see why folks would pay hundreds of dollars for such a seat. 

Studet atheletes, cheerleaders and the band show off for us for the tailgate’s end. Organizers acknowledge a woman I recognized on the Board of Regents. I stride across the venue to her. I thank her personally for the help she gave me, in clothes she shared when I first prepared for service before graduating. We chat about family. I acknowledge that clothes I wear now were gifts from my Mongol host family and from my coworkers. I share gratefully that this next week I would return to Mongolia. 

At the college football game, I meet Aisulu, an English teacher who's Kazakh and teaches at a Mongol school in Bayan-Ulgii, the westernmost province of Mongolia. Aisulu is on her Fulbright. She had met the Honors College staff with whom I served, who referred her to me. I teach her about American football, which intrigues me me. Up until that night I hadn't appreciated the sport much, except in a select few childhood moments. Our central seats in this stadium probably help, though. Here, we’re right beside the center line. Seeing Aisulu feels like a final step on my path back to Mongolia. 

After the Wolf Pack loses, following their attempts to ice the kicker, I ride with Joe, Mike and Aisulu north to where Dad and Tita had parked. My folks decided to see the game too, evidently. I then ride with them back to Golden Valley, where I flop to sleep on the familiar couch that had since moved to another room of the house after the move-in of Ben, future Worthy Brother-in-law. 

Lake Reunions

Saturday morning I head for my second October to the memorial walk of my mentor, the late Ryan Lipparelli, in Sand Harbor at Tahoe. I ride with Tina, one of the new scholarship recipients. Tina also picks up Anna, a Czech friend, who wanted to catch up with me on another nature walk since my summer trip to her nation. Along the ride to Tahoe, we connect through stories. 

At Tahoe, our group also meets up with Rachel and her boyfriend Robb. I'm glad during the event to get to know Robb better, for he and I had only crossed paths a few times last academic year. As I find out when we chat, turns out he and I had experienced similar phases of limbo between receiving assignments to serve. 

I see another person at the walk, too. My eyes touch hers a few times at Sand Harbor. When she greets me at brunch after, I recognize at once she's Mackenzie, my classmate from the Honors College. We hadn't seen each other since May 2OI9 graduation, two weeks before I left for Mongolia. She's pleasant and kind, a scholarship recipient too. Coincidentally, she and another honors classmate Mackenzie both when to law school. 

Fellow Catholics, Christians

This coming Monday would be Columbus Day. So that Saturday night, I and my Chinese Catholic friend Joseph head with Bostonian Jim to a party at Immaculate Conception with local Knights of Columbus. I find hilarious a comment one makes after Joseph's introduction of studying cognitive brain science, “You won't find any of those here!"

The next morning I sleep in, given heavy sleep deprivation. When I arise mid-morning, there’s one more person I need to see. Grand Knight Tim gives me a ride to where our fellow Worthy Brother Evan has lived, from which Evan would be about to move. Evan is paraplegic, so he can’t often leave home to see us, hence why we visit him. I deliver to Evan the signed Playbill, which he accepts, with a gracious grin. We reminisce about his time in this house. I recall visiting here as an undergrad and praying with him throughout the pandemic. We see again there Evan's friend Malcolm, who’s also served around the world. 

Vegas

I take for Peace Corps my COVID-19 test Monday morning in Reno then mail it before my flight takes off. My results travel Tuesday to Quest Diagnostics while I’m getting my bearings back in Vegas. Wednesday morning before I’m out of bed I have an email. 

My test results came back negative. I report the news to Peace Corps. I receive that afternoon my medical clearance. At last, I’m cleared for take-off. In under two days, I’m to leave for service. 

Where I Learned

I give an invited talk at my high school alma mater A-TECH that same afternoon I’m cleared. I visit with teachers I missed back when I came back around with a friend during its open house the month before, in September. I drive home after the visit. 

As soon as I arrive, I notice I have a text from our diocese’s vocations director. I’d forgotten about our meeting. I call him, hear he had things to give me, and I decide to drive back to see him at a Starbucks on MLK near A-TECH. The site reminds me of a Chick-Fil-A meeting I had with a Dominican Brother not long before. The director and I share a good conversation. He gives me discernment literature for my trip overseas. 

Last Goodbyes

Wednesday evening, I'm greeted for farewells by friends Jess, Jared, Victor and Sean. With Jess I reminisce about NYC. With Jared and Victor, we remember the U.S. national parks we’d seen. I look forward to Sean's and Vivian’s wedding. I enjoy the company of these folks. Though I'm only slated to be away for a year, I realize much will change while I'm away. I won’t be around for so many things. But such is life. 

I spend Thursday morning packing both the corner room in which I've been staying amid the pandemic as well as my luggage I’m taking to Mongolia. Thursday afternoon are calls with the Honors College Community Advisory Board's executive committee followed by my last stateside call with the Springtide Ambassador Program. 

That night is my Last Supper with Dad and Tita, who take me to an Applebee's after Papa picks up Tita from Harry Reid International. I taste a happy hour white peach sangria and enjoy what I expect to be my last big American burger for a while. The sangria's size reminds me of a belated 24th birthday celebration dinner with Mickey in Reno 2O2I. The fact that it's a sangria also reminds me of my Peace Corps sitemates with whom I served in Erdenet. I recall an October 2OI9 get-together with Japanese JICA and another that November too with Korean KOICA. 

Last Steps

I pull an all-nighter packing Thursday into Friday. Throughout the night, I sip an energy drink I received in March 2O22 before I'd left again for Asia. Remembering what I brought then helps me discern now what to leave and what to take. I'm permitted two checked bags of up to 50 lbs. each as well as a carry-on and a personal item. Instead of a smaller suitcase that I took last time to Mongolia, I decide my second checked bag will be the hiking backpack I received from a Knight of Columbus for mission. I also decide, considering my trip across the U.S., to take after all my silver backpack, which was gifted by Mom in 2OI7 for my China trip before she passed. 

Friday morning, I see Dad and Tita off as they head to their appointments. I forgo morning Mass to keep packing. My friend of recent months Mason arrives Friday morning to retrieve me. He helps me with my last packing and luggage weighing, too. My luggage comes overweight, so I need to set aside many books I would have loved to bring. 

From the fridge, I draw my Last Supper’s leftovers and from a bag my remaining candy from Czechia, and we go. During the drive, I notice the completed Allegiant Stadium and remember how it wasn’t finished when I first left for the Peace Corps. I also see the New York, New York casino and feel as though I can’t see its exterior the same way after having been to NYC. The property feels too bizarre to replicate remnants of the American metropolis. As I disembark for Alaska Airlines in Terminal 3, I offer Mason much of my remaining Czech candy in thanks. 

Last Battle 

"You have three minutes," says the attendant when I approach to check in my bags. 

We weigh my bags, which she assures me are well underweight. I relate over text my relief both to Mason and to family then go through security. I’m really to fly. 

Aboard the plane, I find “Frozen II” in the film selection. I promised myself I’d only see it again when I was on my way back to Mongolia. (I even saw behind the scenes amid the pandemic.) I watch "Frozen II" for my flight. It's the first and only time I see it after having seen it aboard my final flight during the evacuation. This time, the character Anna moves me instead of Elsa. Anna’s commitment causes me to tear up this time. 

I pick up this story when I land, and staging begins. New characters emerge at once. Everything after this begins the Peace Corps Mongolia blog back in full force. 

You can read more from me here at DanielLang.me :)

[lostlitany]

Hello Tumblr,

Spooky Season is rolling in and I already see the internet getting ready for the winter months with all their seasonal depression memes. So I’ve got a question, who else is backwards?

For me personally, the Summer months are grueling. They’re hot, bright, long, annoying, and I just generally dislike them, and that’s okay. I’ve been like this ever since I hit puberty and developed Photophobia- which is a hyper light sensitivity caused by my pupils deciding to not do their job properly and constantly allowing too much light in. This lead to constant migraines, and even nausea before I knew what was going on and could take steps to protect my eyes. Over this past summer, I realized I was much more prone to mood swings and general crankiness when it was hotter out. My best friend will attest I was a nightmare to deal with at the end of June and beginning of July after we had spent a weekend out in the sun.

With the crisp fall air rolling in, the sun going down earlier, and the leaves changing color, I’ve felt a lot calmer. It’s like, instead of getting depressed in the winter, I get overstimulated in the summer, and I’m only just now getting a chance to breathe. I’ve actually enjoyed my hobbies instead of thinking they were a waste of time. I’m taking my time with my art instead of rushing to get it done to move on to the next project. I’ve been able to focus better on my goals and am finally sitting down to make a YouTube channel I’ve always dreamed of having. I’m eating healthier again instead of skipping some meals and overeating others. And just in general I’ve felt good. I’ve even started like- actually liking my reflection despite the dysphoria issues. Another friend of mine was so happy to get a fit check from me yesterday and noted that I hadn’t sent one since the end of April.

Last year at school, one of my friends told me they were struggling with seasonal depression, and I looked into it a bit to see how I could help them. And in my research I stumbled across reverse seasonal depression. More common in warmer places, reverse seasonal depression can be summed up as like… manic hormone changes from too much melatonin and sunlight and not enough sleep. This is the direct contrast of winter seasonal depression caused by lack of sunlight and energy. It’s a lot more rare than the typical winter seasonal depression, and people barely know it exists. People who have it oftentimes don’t associate their changing mood with the summer and assume it’s just a really bad flare up of anxiety or normal depression. [source]

So I spent the summer keeping track of my moods and making note of any particularly bad days. Once again, I find myself self-diagnosing a problem. Maybe it’s dumb to treat mental conditions like identity labels, but in my current situation, it’s most likely I won’t see any type of mental health professional for another decade, and diagnosing myself helps me process why I feel the way I do, even if it may be technically wrong. That being said, I’m diagnosing me with reverse seasonal depression, and I just wanted to see if anyone else experienced something similar.

This one goes out to the seasonally depressed. To the people who dread the coming winter months and the emptiness and fatigue that may hold them back as they drag themselves through. And also to the newly refreshed who are finally getting the chance to take time to breathe again, who no longer work themselves into the ground with all the extra energy coursing through them due to the summer months

Tl;dr - for all my adhd friends and those who just don’t wanna read this block of text

Seasonal depression exists for both the winter and the summer months! Good luck to those suffering from winter depression. And if you suffer through summer depression, know that you’re rare, but not alone, cause same!

[odinsblog]

Hi, I've only started truly following American politics in the last 5 or 6 years, thanks to the orange turd, and I keep wondering: was the Republican Party always *like that*? This unreasonable and just outright brazen in their contempt for the common people? Was there a time when it was just right-leaning instead of lunatic? I'm European, so I can't really relate either way, but it boggles me how a party this insane could gather so many followers.

A couple of things here that you need to understand in order to understand today’s Republican Party. First and foremost, they have always been the party of white supremacy. At first, it was a more casual, covert, plausibly deniable kind of racism. But ever gradually, over time it has become a party of outright, “masks off,” in-your-face, racists. Which brings me to my second point: at every step in the devolution of the Republican Party, the next step has always been foreseeable. From Ronald Reagan to Donald Trump, and from Newt Gingrich to Mitch McConnell, Republicans have gotten incrementally and progressively worse, and much more overtly racist. Which is why I always call bullshit! whenever someone says, “The GOP they knew was never like this before.” Republicans have always been that bad, and the current racist Republican de jour couldn’t have existed without the previous racist Republican de jour who paved the way for them. It’s a completely predictable devolution.

The GOP is a party of white supremacy, misogyny, Islamophobia, ableism, antisemitism, homophobia, and more. It’s like a one-stop-shopping mart for everything wrong in America.

And it’s almost a certainty that whoever comes after McConnell and Trump will be even worse.

Ofc, I would be remiss if I didn’t at least mention the re-alignment of the Democratic Party and the Republican Party (please see this link).

I suppose you could argue that when Black people made a mass exodus from the GOP back in the 1960s (because of Civil Rights), that that was probably when conservatives truly began their slide into the abject racism and lunacy we so clearly see today. And sure, if your only comparison is the GOP, then the Democrats might appear to be better, but they are not without their share of very significant problems either (for example). When we force the choice to be “better than Trump” or “better than Republicans,” we are setting ourselves up for failure. Anybody is better than Trump or Republicans, that sole, low bar qualifier does not mean that they are worthy or up to the job of governance.

Anyway, after all of that, Idk if I’m the very best person to ask here on tumblrdotcom. Sometimes my political hot takes are either too wide, but not deep enough, or too deep, but not broad enough. I encourage you to research this more if you want a more technical answer, perhaps from someone who studies politics far more than I do. As a Black man living in Amerikkka, I admit that sometimes (most of the time, actually ) it’s not all just academic to me. It’s deeply personal because the impacts on my life are very real.

The older I get, the more I feel like the craziness here is not only worldwide, but also (loosely?) coordinated. So finally, anon, I don’t want you to think that Europe is in any way exempt from the racism and lunacy that you’re observing here. It isn’t. If you don’t see it where you live, look more closely. I assure you, it’s there too.

[yesimwriting]

hi, i love all your work! could i please request headcanons for what it'd be like to go from being enemies to lovers with nikolai lantsov.

thank you:)

A/N maybe i moved this up on my request lists bc i woke up today and went 'nikolai lantsov'

--

- i'm being a little liberal with cannon bc my mind first went to 'princess! reader who hates nikolai bc they're competitive and then they have to team up together to try to get their parents to break up their arranged marriage but fall in love in the process (this might be a little undetailed but i'm thinking of writing a full fic or mini-series with this plotline so let me know if you'd be interested!! i could see a smutty ending to that fic but idk,, lmk what you thing ig lol)

- Ok so first off enemies to lovers with the loml nikolai lantsov would be SO GOOD bc he's so dramatic and obviously attractive so even though you hate him you know he's hot,, there's never a dramatic realization that he's attractive bc it's just a fact

- butttt you'd rather give up any claim you have to your family's throne than feed his already gigantic ego

- okk but lets get to the beginning of your enemies to lovers relationship

- so basically every summer your parents go and stay with Nikolai's family at this super fancy vacation home bc your parents are both royalty and your kingdoms have a very healthy relationship

- just bc it's the summer season doesn't mean it's summer vacation,, so as children for about a month you two share a tutor,, and when i tell you that created a rivalry so fast i mean it

- you're not the eldest princess and you're always trying to be the best for your parents approval, nikolai just wanted to impress the really smart girl who had a pretty laugh (poor nikolai lol,, he had no way of knowing how important being the best in school no matter what was to your self esteem)

- maybe if you two could communicate you’d like each other a little better at this point but it starts when you’re pretty young and by the time you’re like 13 it’s a solidified dynamic (and 13 year olds are the MEANEST and most insecure people in the world so that’s when your relationship turns to full enemies)

- now that you’re 13 you have more princess-y requirements, especially over the summer. So when you see that Nikolai gets to practice with swords and gets more free time while you have to practice setting tables you hate him more than ever. 

- Nikolai senses that you’re extra hostile but he has no idea why,, he tries asking once but he makes a joke about how ‘maybe you’re jealous bc youre no longer the center of my attention’ and even though he’s just trying to ease the tension you feel like he’s making fun of you

- so that’s when things get aggressive, but at that point summer is almost over so it’s whatever

- next summer comes and you’re still SO MAD at him,, so when you get to the estate you’re like ‘i’m not even talking to him idc how quiet these next three months are’ 

- and you get there all determined to hate him,, but once you get there and see him something in you cracks bc he had the audacity to spend the last year going through puberty AND LIKE HE’S ALWAYS BEEN CUTE BUT THIS IS SOMETHING ELSE 

- so youre mentally panicking bc how do you even talk to someone that looks like that now???? but then you remember that you didnt even want to talk him so in a panic youre like ‘maybe i can avoid him and he’ll just assume it’s bc i hate him bc i do,, who cares if he’s unbelievably hot now’ 

- nikolai doesn’t assume anything, he just gets to the estate and is like ‘why hasn’t she insulted me yet?? is she suddenly too good to give me attention?’ so during the lessons that you still share he gets an idea

- he decides to one-up you in everything bc that’s always gotten a reaction out of you 

- it works,, every time he corrects you or steals an answer from you, you’re ready to snap but then you look at him and take in his stupidly perfect face and  you just shut up 

- nikolai thinks it’s not working so he just tries harder

- by the end of week one you can’t take it anymore so when the tutor leaves at the end of lessons you snap, you tell him off for how often he’d repeat what you said and change a few words and get all the praise from the tutor

- on the inside he’s like ‘took long enough’ but the more you rant he’s like ‘is she okay???’ he’d be more concerned if you weren’t threatening his pride and at this point he’s still annoyed bc if you were that annoyed you should have just talked to him instead of ignoring him for a week

- he’s thinking that just bc you got really pretty over the last year doesn’t make you too good to yell at him on the daily

- the worst thing anyone can do to nikolai is ignore him LMAO (lowkey relatable)

- so he starts arguing with you and you’re so upset that you forget about how aggressively attractive he is 

- and you two are alone in this room and the more you argue the closer you two get

- the climax of the argument is when neither of you are yelling, you’re just so mad you’re beyond raising your voice and once you’re both at that point it goes like this: 

“Nikolai Lantsov, you are the most insufferable person I’ve ever met” 

“Well then, Darling, you should look in a mirror.” 

“You are so entitled, so ridiculously self obsessed that it ruins your attractiveness.” 

“...” he literally just like blinks twice. “You think I’m attractive?” 

“Uh? No--i didn’t say that at all, maybe if you didn’t have the language comprehension of a child you’d understa--” he just reaches forward, grabs the collar of your dress, and kisses you. 

- it’s your first kiss so you have no idea what you’re doing and it’s with some one you CANT STAND and you’re so mad bc you had expectations for your first kiss and he’s taken that from you--but the thing is,, 

- he’s good at it. Like really good at it. Like so good it makes you curious about what he does the nine months of the year he’s not stuck here with you bc there’s no way he hasn’t had practice. 

- but you’re also extremely confused and nervous and aware of how stupid you’re being (and a little hormonal bc being 14 isn’t easy) and then he places his hand on your cheek and that snaps some sense of reality into you bc it’s one thing to enjoy the kiss but another thing entirely to want him to escalate it

- so you place one hand on his chest and push him off of you slightly. He takes the hint, pulls away enough to look at you and then you two just stare at each other 

- your hand is still on his chest and you have absolutely no idea what comes next, but you find yourself looking at his lips

- since you haven’t slapped him or pulled away more than a few inches he thinks maybe things are okay so he leans forward slightly and kisses you again. 

- you reciprocate a little too fast, the kiss lasts two seconds before thinking about how insane you’re being so you push away entirely. 

- He lets you go,, and in the most awkward display ever you’re like ‘uh I need to go,, i can’t be late to ball preparation lessons’ and you leave that room faster than you’ve ever left a room in your entire life. 

- the next day you consider pretending to be sick to avoid him but that would only give him more power over the situation so you go,, and he’s just sitting there calmly

- youre on edge the entire day but he never even jokes about it

- a part of you is a tiny bit annoyed bc who kisses you and then pretends it never happened? but overall, you’re relieved 

- the days pass and it never comes up but now whenever you two argue you think of how quickly kissing him both shut him up and got rid of your tension 

- the summer goes by quickly, your usual dynamic has returned and you wonder if he even remembers kissing you. twice. in a row. 

- the next couple of years are normal,, even when you two no longer take lessons together you still dont like him. He’s just so assured and he takes such joy in bothering you. 

- and then one summer your parents sit you down and they’re like ‘we need to plan the future alliance of our kingdom’ 

- you’re a little confused bc you’re rarely allowed to sit in on these things bc you’re a girl and you’re basically meant to just be a royal’s bride--and then you realize why you’re there. 

- you start protesting before your father can finish announcing your engagement 

- the parents were smart bc they announced it at the end of summer so you two couldn’t drive them crazy or conspire

- the first thing you do when you get back to your castle is write to him for the first time ever 

- your letter is basically ‘pls tell me you’re doing something’ 

- the two of you talk until you come up with the plan to get your parents to break up your engagement 

- your parents dont really care about your feelings and they expect the two of you to argue with them,, but they care about the kingdoms

- so you two decide that if you act like youre so in love that you let your duties slip the engagement will end,, especially if you two are in love in a toxic way 

- so the next summer you two make sure to flirt and act like youre totally obsessed with each other and skip lessons together and just are constantly together and acting like you’re on a honeymoon

- your parents are like ?? since when 

- at one point you flirt with a random guard just so Nikolai can have a ‘jealous outburst’ while your families are strolling through the garden 

- ngl jealous nikolai had you ready to RISK IT ALL,, you were ready to drop the plan and marry him on the spot 

- he notices bc he notices everything about you and when your family walks away he gives you a quick kiss and youre stunned,, much to his delight 

- your desire to break up your engagement takes a slight backseat in your mind bc you decide to set off on a secret goal to make him flustered

- it doesn’t take much, your dresses get a little more risky, your comments get a little more suggestive

- the only problem?? he seems to have his own personal goal and it’s to make you even more flustered than he is

- soon the two of you are lost in layers of pretend and competition

- when your parents are finally thinking about delaying the engagement and keeping you two away from each other until you calm down a little (i feel bad for them,, an entire summer of being surrounded by the ULTIMATE sexual tension) 

- you’re sad and you don’t know why bc this is what you wanted, but then Nikolai stands up and says that you two planned for this and he has the letters to prove it (he was ready to drop the receipts LMAO) and youre like ??what are you doing?

- and he says he’d rather marry you then never see you again bc now all he wants is to get know you bc he has no idea how he wasted so much time arguing with you 

- and you just meltttt but your in front of your entire family and his as well so you just sit there for a minute and then you tell him you feel the same way 

- but the summer’s over

- you kiss him before leaving and he says you’ll have to visit bc he can’t go an entire year without seeing your ‘pretty face’ 

- you promise to visit him soon

- your at home for exactly a day and a half before getting an invitation to visit him 

- you laugh bc the only way that letter could get to you that fast is if he mailed it before you even left 

- you say yes obviously,, and spend some time having a really cute fall-dating vibes together until you figure out how you really feel 

- and you feel like he makes your heart STOP and that’s why you hated him,, bc you didn’t like being vulnerable 

[1ddiscourseoftheday]

Wed 2 June ‘21

Louis sent a message to a fan looking for a hello after a major surgery-- “Get well soon mate. Sending you loads of love x”- and added that he hopes ALL of us are doing alright; I never doubted it Louis! Niall got a little more specific with his really lovely message today- “HAPPY PRIDE MONTH, BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE. It’s your life, LOVE who you want to LOVE,” he tweeted! THANKS GUYS.

Liam though, Liam was all over today! He checked in on his way to play golf, on his way back from playing golf (with videographer Conor!), posted comments on discord, joined a new chat platform (Telegram; 5 minutes into Telegram and chill Liam was like OKAY it looks like we may need some moderators for this app lol YOU THINK?), he did a whole 25 min live, AND checked in even later to say he’d just had a shower and was about to play a new video game! New news of the day-- he is going to host a Veeps show showcasing new artists in July!! NEAT! His post about how his team forgot to turn off notifications on the phone they set it all up on for him on is really funny, YIKES; “this used to be an iphone now it’s just a bell” he joked, with video of the phone frantically chiming nonstop (“the power of you guys still blows my mind to this day”.) Also he said that he was very busy getting ready for June 15. Why, you ask, what is on June 15? UH? IDK?? He has so many things coming up? But that’s the NFT I think, which I KNOW a lot of people are mostly not that excited about but I will say that while I don’t care about the technology, I am excited to see Liam’s artwork he’s working on for it (which hopefully the purchaser will share with us), and Liam is truly so excited about the platform, he’s really trying to talk us into it. More on that in a sec...

But let’s get to the other parts of Liam’s live first. He has that new song coming, about which he said “it’s one that I’ve written the most on so far actually, as a single, I’m excited to say my own stuff for once a little”, love that. He’s still coughing but says he’s tested repeatedly and it isn’t COVID, and that he’s gone vegetarian recently, and he says the chat channels were inspired by seeing people using the veeps chat rooms even after the show ended, not wanting to leave. And he talks about 1D- about the notifs mishap he said “back in the band we used to wait for people we didn’t like to leave their notifications on and then we would like- oh make sure you follow this person on twitter! And then their phone would break for days- if someone did something that annoyed you.” HAHAHA where’s my masterpost of people who annoyed them 1D told us to follow, PLEASE? And also “it’s hard sometimes you’re watching people stories from afar that you used to know so well and that can be difficult… we’ve all felt this at different times me and the boys… it’s almost like missing a very dear friend a lot of the time but everyone’s so busy… I’d love to get us all in a room somewhere sometime” aww. But also he said he talked to Harry recently, “really a lovely call, he has a sixth sense for if I'm struggling or if one of us is in trouble, I spoke to him and it was a really lovely catch up. I have a lot of love for the man, he's really, really great"; well I wish Liam wasn’t stuggling but that’s lovely. And Louis too! "I spoke to Louis, I wanna say yesterday. We speak a lot, there's just a lot of laughing about random crap," he said, plus some Louis memories- “I can just hear his laugh in the back of my mind. We once broke into one of the stadiums in America and got chased by a woman… on one of those cop type things, a mall cop thing, and that was quite crazy. He also left me on my own while I was being arrested nearly by a French policemen that I had to push over… which that still scares me to this day. [laughing] That’s what friends are for! I helped him over the fence to get in somewhere, he left me with the policeman, who didn’t have a clue who I was and tried to arrest me even though I was just trying to go into my hotel.” UMM sorry I can’t hear anything past LIAM PUSHED OVER A COP?? Go ahead, make a list of ‘1D members most likely to fight a cop’ and if Liam isn’t DEAD LAST you’re just wrong and yet HERE WE ARE!! WHAT A DAY.

But alas rather than fighting cops now Liam is partnering with an entrepreneur (which I have had to type so many times in the last two days thanks to Liam that I guess I know how to spell it now they just keep SAYING it SO MUCH). Steve Bartlett said “the secret” is out, he recorded a podcast with Liam yesterday-- I’d call secret a bit strong, we had actually got that mate, but okay; he called Liam an entrepreneur and said “yesterday I recorded one of the most powerful, honest, REAL conversations on my podcast to date” and “if you love Liam you’ll love this.” I can absolutely guarantee you that is not true, I love Liam and already hate everything about this collab, but his wording does make me think we’ll get a bit of Liam’s trademark emotional spillage which I suppose I might appreciate despite this self help CEO guy being there too. Liam does have one thing to say that could sway me in this guy’s favor though- “he has the cutest dog ever” apparently! Anyway I may as well get used to him he’s suddenly everywhere-- Liam also patched him into his live to try yet again to convince us that NFTs are good by awkwardly relating it to “fans of boybands” by saying you know this could eliminate like fake tickets and such… Sure Steve sure but anyway he also says of Liam, “the guy you see on camera is the exact same guy off camera”.

Harry and Olivia were seen together in London (well, a grainy ass video of their backs was seen anyway), walking, with some people who look to be her parents and Harry’s PA (so romantic! Not at all work related!) I was initially skeptical of the claim that it was her parents since this fandom is obsessed with saying everyone is so and so’s parents (we’ll NEVER top the time the fandom was sure Harry was seen having lunch with Eleanor’s father though) but it actually seems like maybe it was. More for Harry to add to his collection, that man truly loves an extended family! I mean the whole thing is sketchy as hell, from the assurance that that’s DEFINITELY actually Olivia in the grainy video, FOR SURE, to the confirmation that that’s her mom with them which came when a blank insta page produced a random old picture of her mom in the same skirt, but like is it them, sure I imagine so, and people making sure we get the story anytime they’re together isn’t exactly new. In other news, Dave Meyers, director of the Adore You music video, says he originally pitched the Eroda story idea (“I have this idea, of you love- liking a fish”) to Katy Perry and the Black Eyed Peas, ASJKJASKL CAN YOU IMAGINE?

[joestarwhore]

NSFW Yandere Josuke (18+) x Female reader

his little darling managed to escape her obsessive and derange boyfriend house while he was gone.

She trys to get help and does but the good samaritan is Jotaro who leads her back to Josuke thinking she was over reacting.

Josuke angry she escape he takes her back home and has idea to keep her safe and home by finally putting a ring on her

Like The Ocean Finds The Shore (NSFW 18+)

Authors Note: 18+ ONLY. if you’re a minor please find another blog, this writings and scripts are not written for your audience. thank you bb!

You didn’t know what made it worse. The tears in your eyes? Or maybe it was the pouring rain in the pitch black night; never the less, you were barely able to make out where you were, much less which direction you were going. The muscles in your body screamed for relief, the gashes angrily stinging against the rain, pushing you to run far, far away from the house that became your personal Hell.

Anywhere was better than being with him.

Your legs burned as you pushed yourself down the hill, gaining as much distance as you could away from Josuke. You couldn’t help to think of the events that led to this; gaining a stand from Keijo, meeting Koichi in odd circumstances, all the tiny little interactions that led to you accidentally tripping over a brick. Right into Josuke’s unmoving backside.

The thunder was incredibly deafening, lighting up the city of Morioh below you. You didn’t know if Josuke had discovered your absence yet, but you knew you had to be far away from him when he did. You knew it was just a matter of time.

Suddenly the grass became concrete, and concrete became asphalt. Relief flooded through you as you realized that you had finally made it into city limits. You looked around for any sign of safety you could take, your sights finally landing on the Grand Morioh Hotel.

‘Oh my god, Jotaro!’ You started sprinting towards the doors, bypassing any on looker or someone saying any comment to you, all you cared about was finding the receptionist and finding Jotaro. You ran down the hall to the Plaza, seeing the nice attendant lady who always seemed to be the one working for the desk. As soon as she saw you approach, her smile went from one of welcome to a grimace of worry. “Oh my word sweetie, are you okay?? Do you need any help??”

You leaned on the desk for a second to catch your breath. “Actually.. yes there is something.. you could do..”, you took a deep breath, “can you tell me what room Jotaro Kujo is in? We’re related & we have a family member in the hospital and it’s imperative that I fill him in on what’s going on.” Not the best lie you’ve ever told but at this point, you couldn’t afford to be precise. The desk attendant nodded with assured hums, “Yes honey of course, give me just one second.”

You breathed in relief. Thank God. Josuke definitely knew by now that you were gone, & would absolutely be searching for you. Finding Jotaro gave you a little hope for safety but even still; Josuke was relentless.

“Okay darlin, 8th floor, 6th suite, it’ll be the one at the very end!!” Relief swept over you as you quickly expressed your thanks, sprinting up the stairs towards your destination. ‘This is utterly insane’ you thought to yourself; you were running from your deranged boyfriend to his nephew that’s a decade older than he is. Your clothes were torn, wet, your skin was bruised and bleeding out, a state of being you weren’t familiar with.

The raw emotion you felt as you reach Jotaro’s door can only be described as a broken hallelujah. You banged on his door as hard as you can, not stopping until Jotaros towering frame swung the door open.

“(Y/N)? What are you doing here?” His stone cold expression seemed to always be unwavering, but at the sight of you his eyes betrayed him. “What the hell happened to you?” You tried to speak, but no words came out, simply emotion ridden gasps between sobs. Jotaro took your arm and led you in, showing you to a seat by the fireplace & brought you a hot mug of coffee. You gave him a grateful look as you took the cup, Jotaro taking the seat in front of you with a first aid kit. “What happened to you?? Is this from an enemy stand user?”

You couldn’t help but give a lifeless giggle. Certainly felt like it, didn’t it?

Jotaro let you sit in silence for a second while he cleaned the wounds gracing your arms & face, carefully watching your facial expression for any sign of emotion, anything to hint at what might be going on. You didn’t even know where to start in explaining it, or even a way to explain how this happened.

Jotaro took your chin in his hand and turned your face towards his. “(Y/N), who did this to you?” The concern in his eyes made you feel the most cared about you’ve been in months. If you could tell anyone, it’d be Jotaro.. right?”

“It.. it’s Josuke.. When we started dating he was so good to me, he was charming & caring, he’d take time out of his day to spend time with me & would make sure i felt his love; but his actions just.. escalated. He was everywhere. He would text me throughout the day about what i was doing, saying certain comments about my outfits or what stores i was in, he ALWAYS knew.” Jotaro listened intently as he wrapped your forearm in gauze, giving you a nod it was okay to keep proceeding with what you were saying. “All of a sudden one day my land lord calls me to let me know that I was being evicted out of nowhere and i had 24 hours to leave. The same day, Josuke signed the deed to his Mom’s house & told me I could live with him. I just thought it was a crazy coincidence, I didn’t think Josuke would actually ever get me evicted. Then i found my land lords phone number in his pocket book. When I asked him about it he pretended like he didn’t know, and when i kept asking he..” The memory of him holding you against the wall, his knee putting pressure onto your slit, made you visibly cringe. The way he touched you.. it was so possessive, so needy, his eyes portraying one visible message. ‘I own you.’

Jotaro closed the first aid kit & put it under the seat he was at, a pack of pills in his hand. Jotaro silently put the two pills in your hand & got you a glass of water. “I’m sorry you’re going through this & I’m sorry you’ve been hurt so badly. The pills are a sleeping pill & a pain relief supplement, take those and you can sleep in my bed. I’ll handle everything in the morning.” You looked at the two white pills in your hand & threw them to the back of your throat, quickly chasing them with the glass of water he gave you. Jotaro gave you a pair of pajama pants and a t shirt, and helped you lay in the bed. “Goodnight, (Y/N). I’ll see you in the morning.”

You don’t remember anything past that.

__________________________________

When you woke in the morning, you were blinded by direct sunlight. You squinted your eyes as tight as you could, noticing that you were being held up my two arms that were walking at a brisk pace. Gently adjusting your eyes to open, you looked up to see Jotaro, a determined glare in his eyes.

“J..Jotaro where are we?” you whispered the best you could manage. Jotaro gave you a glance down before returning his eyes to the path.

“I called Josuke.”, Your heart drops into your stomach. He wouldn’t.. he couldn’t.. “He says you lost your apartment because your anti psychotics put you out of a job, & he had your landlords number to pay your moving out fees for you.”

You shook your head in disbelief, “No, no no no Jotaro that’s a lie, i’m not on anti-psychotics, I don’t have any sort of med like that, he’s fucking lying to you!!”

Jotaro gave you an expectant look. “That’s the other thing Josuke said. You’ve been flushing them down the drain instead of taking them like you’re supposed to. Josuke only wants to take care of you, (Y/N). There’s nothing to fear of him.”

“JOTARO, I HAVE NEVER TAKEN THOSE PILLS IN MY LIFE AND YOU FUCKING KNOW”- You saw a giant purple hand come over your face and cover your mouth, restraining you from saying anymore. “I’m sorry (Y/N), but this is what’s best for you.”

You heard a door in the distance open, and Jotaro looking up and locking eyes with someone. The voice you heard next made your spine freeze, and dread pierce your soul.

“Jotaro!! Thank you SO much for bringing (Y/N) back!!”

No.. Not again..

“Not a problem Josuke, i’d rather have assurance of (Y/N)‘s safety myself then just send her back here on a bus.”

You slowly looked over, finally catching sight of your boyfriend. His tall, muscular form loomed dangerously in the door way of his house, his pompadour reminding you of so many events, so many violations of your body..

God its sick that it was making you wet.

Jotaro set you on your feet in front of josuke, letting Star Platinums hand uncover your mouth.

You couldn’t look at him.

Josukes hand ran through your hair, “(Y/N) is all okay now that she’s here with me.” He put his other hand under your chin, lifting to meet you eye to eye. It was everything you remembered. Lust, anger, relief, and above all else: obsession.

Jotaro and Josuke bid their farewells. Hands on your hips steered you into the living room, Josuke gently closing the door behind you. You could feel his eyes bore into the back of your skull, your mind erratic with anxiety. God, what’s he gonna do??

“Y’know, you didnt have to run away. You didn’t have to leave me. You didn’t have to be SO FUCKING UNGRATEFUL.” Josuke threw a chair at the wall in front of you, the force of it making you fall backwards onto your back. You gasped as your back collided with the floor, seeing Josukes towering frame turning towards you. He kneels down straddling you, the obsession of his eyes terrifying as he wrapped his long fingers around your throat. Adrenaline went straight between your legs.

“I do everything for you, (Y/N). I house you. I feed you. I FUCKING TAKE CARE OF YOU.” Josuke ripped apart your shirt, shoving his knee on your hot slit, making you gasp in surprise. Josukes delicate features possess a hunger that you remember all too well. “I also make you feel good don’t i??” He removed one of his hands from your throat to attack your nipple with, making you arch your back & moan. Josuke bit his lip in ecstasy as he shoved his middle finger down your slit, swirling it around in your hot heat. Josukes mouth rested against your temple as you gasped in pleasure, sickly wanting him to just take you then & there.

Josuke slowed down his finger, gently massaging your clit at a comfortable pace. “I’m sorry if it was because you felt unloved. If that’s the case, I really promise to be better. Because you can’t leave me, (Y/N). You’re mine, my little princess, my sweet baby girl,” His fingers started to assault you again. You heard a zipper get tugged town, and Josukes hips sweetly grind against yours. “My little fucking slut.”

You started to panic as you felt the tip of his rock hard cock press against your heat, your adrenaline skyrocketing. He’s delirious. “JoJo honey please, d-dont make me do this i’m so fucking sc-“

Josukes hand slapped your cheek, making you yelp in pain, quickly resulting in your moth being covered once again. “No, you don’t get a say. You were a bad girl, baby. And bad girls-“

Your scream was strained as he bottomed out his 8 inch cock inside you. “-they get punished.”

Josuke rammed inside of you, yourself being pummeled into the floor as he chanted “Mine, mine, mine, -FUCK-, MINE!!” His dick assaults your G-Spot as you felt an orgasm start to build in your stomach.

“Are you gonna cum baby? Does my little fuckinf slut want to cum??” Josuke slapped your clit. “TELL ME WHO OWNS YOU.”

Pleasure overruled the mine on this one. “It’s you baby! It’s always been you and it always will, I promise I’ll never leave you again just-“ you squealed as you felt your build up about to break. “PLEASE LET ME CUM JOSUKE PLEASE!!”

“Uggh FUCK, cum on my fucking cock (Y/N) show me who OWNS you.” Josukes duet of lust and rage amplified as you exploded all over him, your moans and screams sounding like siren calls to himself. Josuke rutted into you, filling you to the brim with himself. He laid himself by you, wrapping his arms around your overstimulated frame. You laid there for a couple of minutes trying to catch your breath, your heart rate soaring. You could hear Josukes soft giggles beside you as you felt a hand caress your cheek. You looked him into his eyes, seeing the unconditional love and obsession. The never ending love and obsession.

Josuke sweetly kisses your cheek, holding you in his arms as he gently picks up your left hand. You felt a cold circle of metal grace your ring finger, slipping on perfectly. Fear gripped your heart as you realized what it was.

“My pretty baby.. my gorgeous doll,” Josuke rolled ontop of you and held your face in his hands. “This will make sure we’re always together. You & me, husband and wife!! My perfect, beautiful, fuckable wife..”

Tears started to slide down your face.

So, this was defeat.

“(Y/N) (Y/L/N), will you be my wife?”

You looked at the alabaster ceiling. This wasn’t possible for you. This couldn’t be happening. But you knew it was.

“Yes.. Josuke. I’ll marry you.”

Josuke gleamed as he smothered you with kisses and sweet nothings, giving you gentle touches as his lips grazed over your ears to say the only thing that comes out of his mouth: poison.

“I’ll always find you, baby doll.”

“Like the ocean meets the shore- I will always find you.”

——————————-

I REALLY HOPE YOU LIKE IT & KEEP REQUESTING ALL YALL WANT!! TYSM!! 🤍🌿✨🌸👄🍌🌩

[xoxo-teddybear]

Oh, The Lies You Tell - Bakugou Katsuki - pt. 1

Bakugou x f!reader

Warnings: angst, trauma, abuse, betrayal, fluff, slice of life, smut, cursing, manipulation, possible spoilers, physical harm, 18+

BAKUGOU’S MASTERLIST

Ep. Warnings: cursing, mentions of abuse and manipulation, slice of life(ish), manga spoilers!!

A/N: Ok so this is just what I daydream about, and since ima tv addict, I’m involving some “Avatar: The Last Airbender” related things, but a little different. This is more of an introduction to our character but I hope you enjoy!

Pt.1 Pt.2 Pt.3 Pt.4 Pt.5 Pt.6 Pt.7 Pt.8 Pt.9

Summary: It’s Y/N’s first day at UA.....as a “former” villain

“Y/N L/N. She’s a new transfer student. Treat her with your respect and do your best to take care of her.” The tired teacher spoke.

“.......Hey. Please treat me well.” The intimidating girl said as she bowed in respect.

Now if you were to see Y/N on the streets as a stranger, you wouldn’t even think she would have this threatening aura. The class agreed. She’s gorgeous. From a far, you would think she’s a sweetheart, But the girl had a cold, calm stare in her E/C eyes. There was actually no way to describe it. It was just chilling to the bone.

Not only that, but it was clear you were a little rebel. Mainly because of the way you decided to change up your uniform. Your sleeves were torn off to make your button up top some sort of tight fitted turtle neck with a tie that was complimenting your busty figure. Especially since it was tightly tucked into your skirt, pressing against your torso instead of loosely sitting in there like the other girls. You also added a small dark brown belt to cover where your skirt and top meet. Your waist gave the perfect show of how curvaceous you truly were. Your thighs were deliciously thick and your ass must’ve been a perfect peach, considering it caused your skirt to seem a little too small for you. Instead of the typical shoes and knee high socks, you opted for thigh high dark brown leather boots that folded at the top to match your belt. No heel though, of course. Gotta keep it casual. You finished off your rebellious look with a pair of black leather fingerless gloves. Do you look like trouble? Yup. Do you look hot as hell though? You bet.

“You may be seated next to Katsuki Bakugou.” Your new teacher spoke. Before anybody else could give an indication of who this “Bakugou” boy was, an electric blonde spoke up.

“Be careful with that one pretty lady, he’s our resident hot head.” The boy spoke while the entire class giggled.

“Shut it dunce face.” Your eyes shifted from one blonde to another. This time with a spiky head of ash blonde hair and piercing red eyes. As you walk towards your new seat, you made eye contact with the spiky blonde, you saw the look on his face. Just like everyone else, a face of fear and shock, except this time the person didn’t know who you were.

Bakugou could definitely say upon first glance, you were definitely something fierce. It threw him off just how powerful your presence was. He quickly turned away as you took your seat.

As class began, everyone had their eyes on Y/N. Some admiring her beauty, others wary of her aura, and some too nervous to mention their newfound fear of her. In the middle of Mr. Aizawa’s boring lecture, a scratch at the door could be heard.

‘A scratch?’ Everyone thought. But Y/N knew exactly who it was.

When Mr. Aizawa went to open the door, in came what appears to be a wolf-dog. Mr. Aizawa seemed to casually accept it and just expected you to explain. He was too tired to deal with this crazy shit.

“Oh..there you are Rumor. Took you long enough to find this place.” The creature, also somehow intimidating, simply just huffed at the girl and layed down next to her seat in between her and Bakugou.

“L/N, please explain to the class why Rumor is here. They clearly seem to be confused.” Y/N looked around the room to see her new classmates staring at her and her furry friend.

“*sigh* he’s my animal companion.” You simply stated. Apparently it didn’t satisfy your peers because a freckled, green haired boy spoke up.

“Animal companion? Like a service dog?” The timid boy asked. You secretly rolled your eyes at the fact you’ll have to answer this question again. That is until Bakugou spoke.

“You damn nerd, if he was a service dog, she woulda said that now, don’t ‘cha think?” ‘Dunce face and a damn nerd huh? Wonder what new nickname this hedgehog will give me.’ Your little quip made you give the smallest smile with a quiet laugh to yourself

What you didnt realize was that during your little moment, Bakugou was watching you the entire time. He fought the blush that was threatening to rise and successfully won. ‘The hell?’ Bakugou thought. Since when did he blush?

“He’s right. Rumor isn’t my service dog, he’s my animal companion. And no, not my pet. He’s more like a close friend. My best friend if anything. He’s also not a dog either, he’s a changeling.” You explained hoping someone else knew what a changeling was. Thankfully, the “damn nerd” did.

“Changeling? I thought they were just a myth.” He said. “What the heck is a changeling, Deku?” You turned and saw it was a girl with a round face and pink cheeks. ‘Deku? How rude’ you thought to yourself.

“Changelings were rumored to be magical like beasts who could take the form of any animal they chose. Those forms could be as real as eagles and bears or as mythical as dragons and unicorns. They could also change the size of their form too. Am I right, L/N?” Deku asked you.

“You’re completely right, Deku.” The green haired boy blushed at his nickname on your tongue. “Rumor can be any creature I command. His wolf-dog form is his casual form though. It’s the form he took at birth I guess.”

“You guess?” Bakugou asked.

“Yes, I guess. I didn’t have Rumor since he was born. I found him while I was on a walk in the forest. We just clicked, and he followed me home. That’s when I discovered his powers and what he was, and seeing that changelings were only rumored to have existed, I thought it would’ve been a fitting name. We’ve been together ever since, and not only does he work as a friend, he’s a fighter too. He’s like a partner to me which is exactly why principle Nezu allowed him to attend UA with me. I guess you could say he’s part of my...uhm..quirk” You thoroughly explained. You couldn’t help it. You loved talking about Rumor. He was your best friend and definitely one of a kind.

Rumor looked up at you and barked. You turned to pet him on the head and gave him a little smile. Something that didn’t go unnoticed by the resident hot head, which once again caused him to fight back a blush. ‘The fuck is going on with me today?’ The blonde thought to himself. Finally satisfied with the answers, the class picked up where they left off and continued to learn about quirks which didn’t seem all that useful to you since....you don’t have one.

——————————————————————————

Later

“Remember, we will all be meeting at gym gamma tomorrow morning, so don’t bother coming to the classroom. Just meet up there with any comfortable gym wear.” Mr. Aizawa said at the end of the day.

“Yes sir!” The class all said. “L/N stay behind, I need to speak to you and Rumor.” The tired teacher said with a yawn.

“Yes sir.” You calmly replied.

As the class gathered their things to leave, some came up to speak to you. First it was Deku and the round faced girl.

“Welcome to UA L/N. My name is Izuku Midoriya!” Deku said.

“Oh my apologies. I thought I heard that your name was Deku.” You said so nonchalantly with your sweet voice.

“Well it’s just a nickname that started up with Kacchan.” The boy was now blushing in slight embarrassment while rubbing the back of his head.

“Kacchan? I’m sorry, I don’t know who that is.” You said.

“Oh right! My bad, Kacchan is Bakugou. It’s a name I gave him during our childhood.” He stated.

“Seems a little mean.” You chuckled

“Yeah but he’s always been like that.” The boy smiled with a small laugh.

“I think I can tell. He must be really nice to Deku and Dunce face.”

You both shared a laugh at your little sarcastic poke at the explosive blonde that the girl was feeling a little left out.

“Anyways, I’m Ochako Uraraka! I was really hoping I could talk to you more but Deku over here can’t seem to keep his mouth shut.” the girl slightly teased.

“Meh. No worries. We’re gonna be stuck together for the next few years. We have plenty of time to get to know each other.” You so kindly spoke as you gathered your stuff.

“Totally! We can-“ Uraraka was cut off by a very handsome two toned boy with a scar. He definitely reminded you of some you knew. You watched as he came up to speak to Midoriya.

“Hey, Midoriya. Did you want to...” you tuned out his conversation. You simply just stared at him in awe. No doubt about it. He was definitely Dabi’s brother. But he was a whole lot more handsome.

The boy caught onto your staring and introduced himself.

“Hello L/N, my name is Shoto Todoroki. You may know me from my father, Endeavor, but I assure you, I’m nothing like him. In fact it’s safe to say I hate him.” He stated ever so calmly. ‘Wow. So blunt. And I guess hating Endeavor runs in the family’

“Hey it’s fine. I get it, daddy issues.” You nervously laughed but this seemed to strike an interest in Todoroki as he seem to have wanted to continue bashing both of your fathers until he was interrupted by Bakugou.

“You’re in my way Icy-hot.” ‘Jeez, another nickname?’ You thought.

“Then move to another side.” Todoroki quickly came back with.

This caused you to now openly give a quiet laugh, you could already tell what kind of relationship those two have. During your small laugh, Bakugou once again caught himself staring, except this time, he was caught. And it was by you.

You both made eye contact once again. As he stared into your E/C colored eyes, and you stared into his rubied gems, you both grew a slight blush on your cheeks and the 3 standing next to you both took notice.

“Hey..” you sweetly said.

“..........hey.” He replied and quickly looked away embarrassed. That peaceful little moment made your heart stir. Something that hasn’t happened in a long time. If felt calming, loving, happy...and weird and confusing. Thankfully, Dunce face came up to flip the switch.

“Wow Kacchaaannn,” the electric blonde said wiggling his brows. “Never seen you blush like that. You got a little crush on the new gir-“

“SHUT UP SPARK PLUG!” Bakugou exclaimed as he quickly made his way out of the classroom.

“Hey why you gotta be so mean all the time man!” Dunce face cried out.

“I SAID SHUT UP” Bakugou screamed from down the hall. ‘Well he certainly is interesting.....and cute’

“Ah jeez, whatever,” the blonde sighed before you seemed to have caught his attention.

“Well hey there pretty lady,” he started “I’m Denki Kaminari and you are one gorgeous girl. And you definitely got a rockin’ bod-“ he was cut off by our scary teacher.

“That’s enough Kaminari, I need to speak to L/N. Now all of you, out.” He commanded.

They all took their leave thinking about how cool and kind you were. Oh how wrong they were. The little act you put up sure was convincible. Hell, the only thing you genuinely meant was that Todoroki and Bakugou were cute and the blush that came up whenever Bakugou stared at you. You still couldn’t explain it but you brushed it off.

When all were gone, you mentally took notes of their names and possible quirks.

Izuku Midoriya. Alias: Damn Nerd and Deku. Quirk: unknown.

Ochako Uraraka. Alias: unknown. Quirk: unknown.

Shoto Todoroki. Alias: Icy-hot. Quirk: possibly related to cold and heat

Denki Kaminari. Alias: Dunce Face and Spark Plug. Quirk: possibly related to electricity

Katsuki Bakugou. Alias: Kacchan. Quirk: unknown

“L/N.” Your teacher snapped you out of your quick thought and got you focused.

“You seemed to be very comfortable with telling them about Rumor.” Mr. Aizawa said with an eyebrow raised.

“Well he is my best friend. I could go on and on about Rumor for hours if people didn’t stop me. And you can’t lie, he is pretty interesting. Especially his fighting style. You would know all about that, wouldn’t you....Eraser Head?” You said with a sinister smile.

You were well aware that Aizawa knew Rumor’s capabilities very well. You were also aware he knew much about yours too. I mean, you both have fought each other before. And one of you almost didn’t make it out alive. Hint hint, it wasn’t you.

“You are to address me as Aizawa Sensei or Mr. Aizawa, Titania.” He sternly said.

“Ouch, the villain name? I thought the past was the past. There’s a good inside me, dont you remember? You were the one who said it after all. You were even the one who recommended an S-Class villain like me should join UA.” You snidely replied.

*flashback*

As you fought against the skilled pro, you could tell he was getting weaker and weaker by the second. You used your air bending to push him back, crushing him into the wall, and keep him far away. Before you could send Rumor in to finish the job, a hand on your shoulder stopped you.

“Kurogiri? What are you doing here?” You stopped fighting and quickly turned to your superior in a fearful and shaky manner. Although you were much stronger than him and could easily take him down, you knew better. Your mind had already been so manipulated into thinking you were the weakest villain in the league, when it reality, you were strong enough to take down Shigaraki in a snap...but you didn’t need to know that.

Eraser Head, too tired and beaten to even pick himself up off the ground watched the interaction from the distance.

“You were told to collect intel, not fight a pro.” The black fog stated.

“Well yes, but he tried to stop me an-“ he silenced you with a smack to the face. Kurogiri was a respectful man...in ways...but he was just following orders on how to treat Y/N.

“If he tried to stop you, you run away.” He said, matter of factly.

“But he-“ once again, he cut you off but this time with a louder voice.

“But nothing! You were to gather intel and report back to base. Not fight. If you got into trouble, you are to run away, and use your bending and Rumor as assistance.” He stated.

“Yes sir. I’m sorry sir.” You said with your head bowed down in dishonor.

Aizawa could already tell from afar how controlled you were. In past fights, he’s noticed how you were so quick to succumb to any villain in the league, and you were always so willing to go back to them no matter how many times you could’ve ran away on your own. It was like they had something you needed, or more so it was them that you needed. For survival, perhaps?

“Did you even gather the information we needed?” Kurogiri asked.

Your silence gave him all the answers he needed. With a disappointing glare he reached for you, when you flinched at just the slighted movement, Aizawa knew something was wrong. Yes you were a villain, but it was clear you were also a manipulated child. So he acted quick, and attacked Kurogiri, knocking him out, and grabbed you. Before you both took off, you threw one of your earrings at kurorgiri’s unconscious body, knowing he’ll know what to do once he sees it. As he ran with you, he took notice of the animal behind him that followed you. When he finally landed on a cliff hanging over the city, he placed you down to sit on the grass and looked at you before speaking.

“I can see it. All of it. They’re controlling you aren’t they?” The pro-hero spoke.

“Excuse me? Nobody is controlling anybody! I choose to follow orders!” You yelled as Rumor came up to you.

“What is that thing?” Aizawa asked.

“He’s my friend and you won’t harm him!” You said while grabbing onto Rumor.

The pro took note of that word you used. Friend. Villains don’t have friends, they don’t have anybody but goons and partners in crime. Literally. You were definitely different compared to these other villains.

“I have no intentions on harming you or your friend.” The pro spoke.

“So what do you want with me.”

“....Simple. I want you to go to school, live in the dorm rooms, eat good food, train more to become better as a person and fighter, and make more friends. I see a good in you Titania, you deserve a good life. Not one controlled by villains where you do their bidding for what? Survival?” Aizawa said as he crossed his arms while looking at you.

You were in shock. He was able to figure you out. Well, he figured out why you were with the league. Survival. But it doesn’t matter, you were so brainwashed that you were convinced anyone outside the league wanted to kill you...at least that’s what the LOV told you.

“I don’t want to go to school, I want to go back home to the league.” You said while looking down and holding onto your furry friend.

“Home? UA could give you a better home.”

You looked up in shocked at his words. He wanted you to attend school at UA? You know that place. That’s the one place where the league has been so invested in ever since All Might joined the staff there. Suddenly, an idea came into thought. You knew exactly how you were gonna get into the league’s good graces and out of the cold shadow.

“UA?....That’s where you want me to go? How the hell am I supposed to get in there? I’m a known villain genius.” You sarcastically said.

“A villain hidden behind a full face mask. People don’t know your true identity, and did you ever think that maybe the league wants it that way?” He said

“Are you saying you know who I truly am?” You questioned him.

“No, but that doesn’t matter right now. If you want to go to UA, I can help you. I’m a teacher there and I can put in a good word for you. Sure it will take a lot of convincing but I’m willing to do it. Using UA as a reformatory program for you could be benefitting you in more ways than one. So if going to UA is what you really want, I’m more than happy to help you Titania.”

You couldn’t believe it. Your heart was so excited. You were finally going to get away from this horrible life of crime and killing. Away from the abuse and blood. Away from the league. But your brain was telling you to deny it all. You were safer with the league, everyone is out to get you, and you will die without the villains help. But a bark broke you out of thought.

You turned to your side to see what seems to be a smile on Rumor’s face. He was wagging his tail and sticking his tongue out while giving you puppy dog eyes. It appears he knew what was going on and he seemed excited. For your best friend, the world. So you gave in...happily.

“Y/N.” You said while getting up off the ground.

“Huh?” The pro spoke.

“My name is Y/N L/N, and I’d be happy to join UA.” You said with a smile and tears of joy filling you eyes. Rumor happily barked at the pro as well.

“Well alright then,” the pro said sticking out his hand for you to shake, “Y/N L/N, welcome to UA.”

As you shook his hand your smile held a thousand words. Happiness, excitement, villainy, and sin. Sure you were going to benefit yourself, but you were also going to benefit the league.

*Present Time*

“I was hoping I’d get more respect from you considering I was the one who got you into UA,” Aizawa tiredly said while turning his head towards the ceiling and crossing his arms. “But I guess that mischief and attitude just comes with the deal.”

“Correct.” You simply said.

“So are you willing to tell them what your “quirk” is? You seemed so open about Rumor, I thought your powers would be the same.” Aizawa pressed on.

“Not sure yet. I only just met the students. They seem nice.” You said while looking at your now very interesting shoes.

“They’re a crazy bunch, but they’re incredible friends. They could be great friends to you too Y/N.” You looked back up at him with hope, but quickly remembered why you were there in the first place.

The teacher took noticed of this and continued. “Either way, they’ll have to see what you got tomorrow. In gym gamma we’ll be doing some sparring including our quirks, so you’ll have to show them all that you can do.” He said.

He saw how that made you nervous. Not because you were scared to speak about or show your abilities, but because you knew you would be hit with thousands of questions. Oh how annoyed you must be.

“Understood.” You said to him as if you were a soldier. He won’t get used to that. He’ll have to make sure you know it’s ok to speak to people as..well people, and not like everyone is your superior.

“Good,” he began to walk to his yellow sleeping bag to pick it up, “now head to the front of the school. I left an escort for you to help guide you to your dorm room. That person will also be a guide in all things UA for you so be nice. You’ll be stuck with them for awhile. That is all, you can go now.”

As you and Rumor made your way to the front, you had so many questions going on in your mind. Should you make new friends or keep them at a distance? Should you completely drop the league and join UA? Should you blow your cover and expose why your truly there? What to do, what to do.

When you made it to the front, you finally saw your escort, and you couldn’t help but give a little smirk.

“Hey..”

A/N: If y’all wanna see the clothes that inspired Y/N’s uniform, check this out!!!

A/N: Damn guys, I know I’ve only just started writing but this is kinda the story I imagine in my mind at night. So I thought it would be fun to give it to reality. So here’s my first FanFic😅 hopefully it doesn’t turn out too terrible, but I promise to work on my skills and improve. Also, if you need a reference to what Y/N’s uniform looks like, search up “Akame from Akame Ga Kill.” That’s the look that heavily inspired Y/N’s new uniform. And if you’re confused on what the boots look like, search up “Lucy Heartfilia thigh high boots,” bc those are the EXACT boots I imagine on Y/N except in a darker brunette color to match the belt. Once again, NOT spell checked so my apologies for any mistakes. I hope you enjoyed pt. 1! And if this goes well, tell me if you’d like a pt. 2! I love to hear feedback! Thx <3

[sylvies-chen]

Test Runs

Summary: Matt agrees to help Sylvie babysit a 5-month-old Brian Cruz for the night to help Chloe and Joe out, and gets a glimpse at a life with Sylvie he thought he could only ever dream of.

Words: ~5.5K

Warnings: None?? It’s just pure baby fever and heart eyes and canon-compliant established Brettsey

Tagging: @fighterkimburgess Cíara, this one’s for you. I hope you enjoy your much anticipated gift— and some very long, plot-less tooth rotting fluff :)

A/N: I don't know what this is and I'm pretty sure I zoned out while writing this so let me know what you think of this because this is the least edited thing I've ever written lol

“Please don’t be mad at me.”

Matt’s in the locker room at the end of a tiringly long shift when he hears Sylvie’s voice coming from behind him.

Their shift has been filled with an endless amount of intense calls. House fires, a harrowing ambo call according to Sylvie, car crashes galore. He’s more than ready to go home and enjoy his next few days off. He and Sylvie had even agreed to make tonight a date night, staying in with a bottle of wine and watching a movie (or, in their case, not watching a movie). It makes him even happier to be done with this shift. Just a regular, normal, peaceful night.

That’s what it’s supposed to be, at least. Only he hears his girlfriend’s voice and, instead of its usual soothing effect on him, is filled with something tense and nervous. He turns around and lo and behold, Sylvie’s standing in front of him with a perpetual wince.

“Why would I be mad at you?”

“I may or may not have told Joe and Chloe I’d babysit Brian for them tonight,” she explains nervously, her palms stretched out flat against each other. “Which means I’m going to have to take a raincheck on that date night we’d planned.”

Matt instantly finds it hilarious that she’d been so worried to tell him about it. “Sylvie, it’s fine,” he assures her. “Date night can be any night, we’ll just postpone it for another day.”

“Really? You’re not bummed out?” “I’m extremely bummed out,” he corrects her, his hands flying to her arms and rubbing circles on them gently with his thumbs. “But I’m not mad. I just wanted to spend time with you after a long shift, that’s all.”

“I know,” she sighs. “I’m sorry. Joe just kept going on and on about how he and Chloe haven’t had a minute to themselves since the baby was born and I just remember thinking how, if that were you and I, it’d make me really sad not getting to have a night off with you.”

Matt swears his heart melts right then and there. Sylvie’s compassion is pretty much endless but when she mixes it with that adorably longing look in her eye, and with words like that? Yeah, Matt’s a total goner.

Things between him and Sylvie have been going so great. They’re going on six months and not a single day goes by where he doesn’t feel like the happiest guy in the world. He knows tonight is one of their only nights off between shifts and he’d prefer not to have to share her quite yet during those nights but Joe and Chloe are their friends, Sylvie was right to offer them a kind gesture.

So an idea forms.

Matt’s always been good with kids, he’ll never complain at getting the chance to look after one. Especially not when it’s with the woman he loves. Besides, he sort of loves the idea of spending the night watching Sylvie gush over Brian Cruz. She was sort of adorable with Amelia, he can only assume it will be the same with Brian.

So much for a normal, peaceful night. (Although frankly, Matt thinks normal is overrated.)

“What if I came with you?”

“What?”

“Yeah,” he nods. “What if I looked after him with you? I’m sure Joe and Chloe wouldn’t mind, I’d be more than willing to give you an extra set of hands.”

She gives him a puzzled, slightly skeptical look. “So you mean to tell me,” she starts, “that you want to spend one of your few nights off in between shifts babysitting a screaming, crying, spitting five-month-old baby, just… because I am?”

“That’s sort of the idea, yeah,” he chuckles. “I’m good with kids, I can handle a little spit-up. Besides, I’ll take any time I can get with you.”

Ok. So maybe that was a little cheesy. It still rings true nonetheless. Spending time with her in any capacity is good enough for him-- and he has a feeling this will be a lot of fun.

She seems to think the same thing too, and smiles sweetly at him. “How did I get so lucky?”

“You just are,” he shrugs amusedly and leans in to kiss her soundly, sinking into it for a minute before he realizes he shouldn’t get carried away when they’re in the locker room. He’ll save the PDA for Stella and Severide. When he pulls away, she moves to pick up her bag and shut her locker, the two of them ready to leave. “So I’ll pick you up then? What time did they want you there?”

“5:00. But I should warn you,” Sylvie warns teasingly with a pointed index finger. “I will be singing a lot of Wiggles songs. It will not be sexy.”

He lets out a chuckle from deep in his chest and Sylvie returns the laugh as she heads out of the locker room and to her car. Even when she’s gone, Matt can still feel himself smiling like an idiot.

Like he said: Sylvie Brett makes him feel like the happiest guy in the world.

“Hey. You’re in a good mood.” Matt’s about to get his own bag and leave when he turns around to see Severide coming into the locker room.

“Yeah, well, I’m on babysitting duty tonight,” he explains. “With Sylvie. Joe and Chloe needed some time off so she volunteered and I thought I’d tag along.”

“Uh-oh,” Kelly teases. “I sense a little baby fever coming on.”

“What? No, Sylvie’s not baby-crazy, it’s not like that.”

“I’m not talking about her,” Severide explains. “I’m talking about you.”

“Me?”

“Yeah, you. You’re a sucker for kids, man. You’ve wanted them for as long as I’ve known you. You’re going to have that little pipe dream back in your head by the end of the night, I’m telling you,” he warns, a shit-eating grin on his face.

“I’ll be fine,” Matt grumbles in response. “I think I can handle one night of babysitting. Besides, we’re just helping Cruz. Kids are something for down the line. Way down the line.”

“So you have thought about it,” Kelly replies victoriously, raising a single, cocky eyebrow.

“What about you and Kidd, huh?” Matt knows deflecting won’t work forever, but he’s not ready to admit to himself that he has thought about it, nevermind Severide. So switching the subject back onto his best friend seems like the safe option. “You’re the ones who are married now. You two haven’t thought about having kids?”

Kelly bites his tongue, blushes slightly. It’s a rare occurrence for him, but one reserved uniquely for all matters related to Stella. “Maybe,” Severide shrugs. “But we’re not talking about me, we’re talking about you.” Matt huffs, picking up his bag and shutting his own locker. “I can handle myself. I was just giving you a heads up in case you wondered why I wasn’t at the loft. I’ll be fine, I promise.”

Matt heads out after that making a beeline for his truck before anyone else can question him about this.

Severide doesn’t know what he’s talking about. He and Sylvie are enjoying their time together right now, taking things at their own pace. Matt’s not about to ruin that for some fantasy he had that’s slowly dissipated. After all, what’s the point in wanting kids if you don’t have someone you want to have them with? After Gabby, he’d given up on that until what was once a pipe dream became something completely irrelevant and blurry in the back of his mind. Besides, six months of dating is a little soon to be thinking about that. There’s about a million steps they have to go through first, a million milestones before kids would be in the question. So yeah. He and Sylvie are not in any rush. For now, Matt is perfectly happy to be able to wake up to her for as many mornings as he can. Just him and her. That’s always going to be enough for him, no matter what. His small fantasies are a thing of the past.

At least, that’s what he tells himself as he drives home to the loft and gets ready to pick Sylvie up. He repeats it over and over until eventually, it doesn’t feel like a lie anymore.

********

When Sylvie hops into his truck, she’s wearing jeans and an old graphic t-shirt. She figures it’s best to wear something she won’t mind dirtying a little. She explains this to Matt when they’re in his truck and he nods thoughtfully at her smart thinking. He even leans over to kiss her on the cheek while waiting for one of the traffic lights to turn red. Only then does it truly register in Sylvie’s head about what they’re doing tonight.

They’re really, truly, spending an entire night together with their friend’s adorable baby.

She really hadn’t expected Matt to offer his help tonight. She doesn’t need the help-- Sylvie knows her way around a five-month-old, after all-- but he’d offered it anyway which somehow makes it even sweeter. Joe and Chloe had been more than okay with it. There’s no one more decent and reliable than Matt Casey, after all. Together, Brian Cruz is guaranteed to spend the whole night being showered with love. She’s sure of that, so she’d obviously been thrilled to have him tag along for babysitting. Until the weight of it all sinks in, that is.

Things between them have been going so great. It’d taken them longer than she’d hoped to sort out their feelings but it’d made the release all the more satisfying. They’re here now, together. And even though they’re only six months into this relationship, she knows that she’s never backing out. This is it; for both of them. It adds an extra layer to her happiness, knowing that everything she does with him will be her last firsts. It’s wonderful and beautiful in all the best ways. They’re still fairly early on in their relationship though. She doesn’t have an exact plan for the future-- it’s the only thing she can’t plan out thoroughly, unfortunately-- but she knows six months is still fresh in the grand scheme of things. And whereas she thinks a kid or two might be nice, it’s still too early to have a conversation that’s that detailed with him. Up until now, she’d been perfectly fine avoiding that talk. Now though, it’s going to be the big, plus elephant in the room. They’re getting a glimpse at what it would be like to have a kid together. It seems silly, but she’s almost scared to let her mind wander.

She goes over it in her head quietly in the car. It’s not a big deal, she reminds herself. They’ll just look after Brian, have some fun, and put him to bed at a reasonable hour. And most importantly, under no circumstances will daydreaming about their future be allowed. Ever.

They reach Joe and Chloe’s house and Matt takes her hands as they reach the front door. She’s been quiet the rest of the car ride, ever since he kissed her on the cheek. She’d gotten so preoccupied reminding herself not to get ahead of herself tonight that it’d picked up his attention, but she gives his hand a gentle squeeze as they wait for Joe and Chloe to answer the door and he smiles, thinking nothing of her quiet mood.

“Hey,” Joe greets them when the front door finally opens. His face is beaming, and it really dawns on Sylvie how excited he must be for tonight. He and Chloe haven’t been out of the house for weeks, never spending more than five minutes alone without baby Brian Cruz. “Come on in.”

Sylvie flashes a friendly smile and lets go of Matt’s hand to step inside, looking around the place. Chloe’s putting her earrings on in the mirror, preparing the finishing touches of her date night outfit. Which, in Sylvie’s opinion, is gorgeous. Saying her friend looks amazing is almost an understatement. “Don’t you look fancy,” Sylvie teases from behind Chloe. “Sylvie! We’re so glad you two were able to make it,” Chloe cheers, leaning in to give Sylvie a tender hug and then doing the same for Matt. “Thank you so much for this. We owe you one.” “Don’t worry about it,” she hears Matt speak. “I think we’re both just happy to lend a helping hand, right?”

He looks to Sylvie with raised eyebrows, and she nods in agreement. “Yes, we really are. You two seriously deserve some time off.”

“You’re right about that,” Joe nods. “I thought being a firefighter would mess with my sleep schedule but it’s nothing compared to this kid.”

“Where is Brian anyway?” She asks.

“He’s in his crib right now, hang on,” Chloe tells her, stepping into the room next to them and pulling Brian out of his crib. The little boy sits perfectly against his mother’s chest, his feet dangling slightly. He’s wearing a onesie too, the light blue fabric covered with little robots. It’s quite possibly the cutest thing Sylvie’s ever seen and she has to fight back the urge to coo at him.

“Say hi to Auntie Sylvie and Uncle Matt, sweet cheeks!” Chloe coos to her son, grabbing his tiny hand and waving it at Sylvie and Matt for him. He can’t talk yet but he flashes a smile at them and it melts Sylvie’s heart. Man. Tonight is going to be amazing and yet so tough to get through. “So there’s fresh formula in the fridge but we just fed him so he should be fine for the night. His toys are all laid out on the floor if he needs tummy time and we normally put him to bed at 7:00. If there’s anything you guys need or any questions, just call us. We’re bringing our phones with us and the number for the pediatrician is on the counter just in case,” Joe explains to them.

“Got it,” Sylvie nods.

“Ok,” Chloe nods to herself, handing Brian over to Sylvie. The small boy fits just as nicely against Sylvie’s chest but he tries to turn his head as soon as she holds him, urgently looking for his mom. Chloe stands back, staring at Brian nervously. “I gotta go now, buddy. I’ll see you later.”

“It’s harder than you expected, isn’t it?” Sylvie asks her, already well aware of the answer. Leaving your kid with a sitter is tough, she imagines, especially when it’s your first kid.

“Yes,” Chloe admits, slightly pained. “I know it’s only a few hours but we’re going to miss him.”

“We’ll take good care of him, we promise,” Matt assures them, already moving closer to Sylvie to see Brian and let his tiny hand wrap around his thumb. “Thanks again you guys,” Joe nods appreciatively.

“Of course, anytime. Now go on, have fun, you crazy kids,” Sylvie teases.

“Alright, bye!” Chloe keeps waving until their front door is fully shut, leaving Matt and Sylvie in total silence.

Matt glances at Sylvie up and down, taking in the sight of her with baby Brian, and something in his eye lights up. It sends a warm tingling down Sylvie’s spine, but he just nods at her. “He really is a cute baby.”

“I know,” she raves instantly. “Look at how small his little hands are!”

“You’re just so tiny, aren’t you, little buddy?” Matt talks to Brian, wiggling his hand.

Brian giggles, his arms wiggling amusedly at Matt’s gesture. He looks over at the front door though, waits expectantly for Chloe and Joe to come back in. A few seconds pass where Matt and Sylvie watch as Brian stares at the door. It’s almost as if everything that happens next happens in slow motion. They watch as his face turns back to Sylvie, his twinkling eyes turning sad as his face sours. The wail comes next, matched with flailing arms as Sylvie feels his body shaking in her arms.

He’s not hungry, Joe said he and Chloe just fed him. And he can’t be tired since they haven’t done anything with him yet. So really, he just misses his parents. It’s not all that abnormal for a kid his age but it still hurts Sylvie’s heart, watching this little guy wail in her arms.

“Oh no,” she blurts out, slightly panicked. “Shh, it’s okay! We’re right here. I know you miss your mommy and daddy but they’ll be back soon, I promise.”

He continues to wail, sticking his hand out and wiggling to try and get to the front door. “Who am I kidding, you don’t understand what that means,” she mumbles under her breath, beginning to bounce him.

His wailing isn’t as shrill after the bouncing starts but he’s still crying at a volume comparable to 61’s sirens. She tries her best to calm him down but it seems unsuccessful. Dammit. Sylvie and Matt aren’t five minutes into this night and Brian’s already crying.

The reminder that Matt’s there is enough to snap her out of it. Only she turns to where he was not five seconds ago and he’s gone. “Matt?”

“I’m in here, just a second,” he calls from the family room. Sylvie moves down the hallway away from the entrance to find him. When she does, he’s hovering over a small, wooden chest and rifling through it. Brian’s still crying as she pats his back and offers soothing hushes.

“I think we just broke Cruz and Chloe’s baby,” Sylvie tries teasing, her face still making a worried wince. “Shh, it’s okay Brian. You’re okay, it’s okay.” Matt grabs something out of the chest, moving to close the space between him, Sylvie and Brian. “Here,” he tells her, revealing the little, plush blue and green robot in his hand. “I figured a toy might distract him.”

“Right, good idea,” she nods, turning to meet baby Brian’s eye again as he grabs a fistful of her hair. “Uncle Matt has some of your toys, you want to play with them?”

Sylvie turns him so he can see Matt, who extends the soft plush robot and wiggles it playfully.

“I bet you like that one, huh? He even matches your pyjamas,” Matt points out.

Brian instantly becomes mesmerized with the toy, his eyes sparkling as they follow it’s trail as it moves in the air. His cheeks are still glossy with tears but he sticks out a hand to clumsily grab at the toy. The shift from upset beyond consolation to pure fascination with something so simple as a toy robot is enough to astound Sylvie-- and, admittedly, send relief washing through her body.

As soon as her shoulders relax, she feels Brian relax in her arms too. He even smiles as she wipes his cheeks clean of the tears, pointing towards the toy and cooing incoherently. Matt keeps wiggling the toy and bobbing his head along with the toy, eventually handing it to Brian and letting him play with it on his own. He squishes the robot’s rectangular head, then mimics Matt’s movements with it and moves it around in the air. Sylvie watches in happy surprise. She’s about to move her head to send a bewildered yet appreciative look at Matt but when her eyes look up, he’s already looking at her. There’s a slight twinkle in his eye, similar to the one Brian had when he saw the robot. It’s nothing but pure wonder, and her heart skips a beat.

Up until now, she’d been trying to keep herself from getting ahead of herself. Apart from the logical reasons of it being really early and soon on in their relationship, Sylvie also just doesn’t want to freak him out with baby fever. But he’s staring at her as she coddles Brian, a smile dancing over his face, and it seems pointless.

Maybe she’s not the only one picturing them doing this with a kid of their own.

Maybe, he’s just as much of a daydreamer as she is.

********

Matt’s not trying to give himself away too much. He swears he isn’t.

But damn. If Sylvie with this little Cruz baby isn’t the most adorable thing he’s ever seen, he doesn’t know what is. It’s been an hour since they arrived at the Cruz residence. An hour since they’d walked in and immediately had to deal with a screaming, crying baby Brian. Thankfully, they mellow out pretty quickly after that. Matt and Sylvie pull out as many toys as they can and try to distract him. His tears dissipate as they play around, keeping the young child preoccupied.

Sylvie, as promised, even starts dancing and singing Wiggles songs. Matt started out singing and dancing with her but Brian had tried crawling away while they were both up so he’s now sitting next to Brian, who’s on his stomach on his mat in the family room propping himself up to watch the show as Sylvie keeps dancing and singing.

“The Big Red Car rolls along the street

And to all the people that we meet, we like to say hello

Say hello! To the people that we meet!”

Sylvie sings, spins around, and does comically dramatic gestures as Matt claps along with Brian, making a few sound effects himself to help out with the number. The songs are too catchy not to sing along, so he does. That just seems to make the baby giggle even more, and he tries crawling over closer towards Sylvie.

She finishes the song and does small but amusing jazz hands, practically out of breath. “That was exhausting,” she exhales heavily. “How’s that for entertainment, little guy?”

He coos and waves his arms around in the air, trying to cheer for her. Matt chuckles and claps along himself, keeping an expectant eye on Brian.

The baby keeps wagging his arms though, and when they realize he’s asking for an encore Sylvie leans over with her hands on her knees in exhaustion. “You want more of this?” She addresses Brian, not expecting a response. “We’ve been at this for nearly an hour, I’m getting more of a workout from this than from Foster’s infamous spin classes. How is he not more exhausted?”

“Different sleep schedule, I guess,” Matt shrugs. “Don’t worry, you can tap out and I’ll take over.”

“More romantic words have never been spoken,” she replies teasingly with a relieved groan. She wipes at her brow and moves to find space on the mat but instead of the encore, Brian turns to her.

“Oh,” Matt says. “Looks like he doesn’t want more singing and dancing after all.”

The young boy starts reaching for Sylvie’s hair, grasping at the blonde strands that fall just above her shoulders. He manages to find a fistful but Sylvie pulls him in closer so he can grab her hair without yanking it. “I think he likes you,” Matt points out with a grin. “Good, my plan is working,” she teases, resting her head ever so lightly on Brian’s head. “I’m hoping to work my way up to his favourite aunt by the time he’s two. I’m going to be your favourite, aren’t I, little man?”

Brian coos in her lap, smiling wide at Sylvie. But he looks over at Matt and reaches out from Sylvie’s hold to grab at Matt’s hand too. Matt’s heart melts.

“He seems to like you too,” Sylvie adds.

“Yeah, I’ve never met a baby with so much trust in people,” Matt replies. “And so many robot toys too. What’s up with that?” He gestures at the spread of robot toys they arranged in a row on Brian’s mat.

“I think Joe was hoping he’d get him interested in tech stuff like Otis was,” Sylvie explains, a wistful sigh falling over her. Matt gets serious too-- not a day goes by where he doesn’t think of their dear, fallen friend. Thinking of where Brian Cruz gets his name from is always a sharp reminder of Otis, and this new piece of information doesn’t make it any better.

Matt throws Sylvie a sympathetic look, which is returned. There’s nothing much to say to that, nothing but to let there be a gentle and solemn moment of silence as Brian wiggles in Sylvie’s criss-crossed legs on the floor.

The silence is broken when he crawls out of Sylvie’s lap, slowly finding his way to Matt. Somehow, some way, he can sense Matt’s heavy heart and reaches to grab his hand. Brian doesn’t try to lift it, just puts one hand around Matt’s thumb and one around his pinky. He looks up at Matt, his eyes twinkling energetically.

“I bet your mom and dad tell you all sorts of stories about Uncle Otis, don’t they?” Matt asks as he lifts Brian into the air. He giggles, waving his arms and toes in his little onesie. Matt knows the kid can’t talk yet but he takes that as a yes. When Matt brings him back down from the air, he presses a kiss to the kid’s forehead and pulls back with the small smack of his lips. It makes Brian laugh even more.

Man. He really is a cute kid. Maybe Severide was right, maybe Matt’s already feeling that little pipe dream of his coming back. Because he’s sitting there with this tiny little kid in his arms, having the time of his life as Sylvie watches them amusedly, and it feels like he’s getting a glimpse at their future. The idea of a family, one with someone he loves as much as Sylvie, feels so right. It’s enough to send a warm and electric feeling throughout his body.

“This is fun,” Matt admits to her, meeting her eye with a hesitant but hopeful gaze.

Sylvie pulls her lip in between her teeth, fighting a smile. “Yeah, it is,” she nods. “It’s nice, I’m glad you offered to tag along. It’s like a little test run.”

“Test run?” Her eyes widen slightly and her cheeks heat up ever so slightly, to the point where Matt thinks he imagined it for a second. “I-- I mean, for babysitting,” she backtracks, shaking her head. “You know, if Joe and Chloe decide somewhere down the line that they need more nights out.”

Matt’s heart skips a beat.

Sylvie’s a terrible liar. She knows it, he knows it, all of 51 knows it. He can tell when she’s fibbing. She gets all flustered, fumbles her words just like she is now. Only now, he can see right through it and it excites him beyond comparison. He can see it in her eyes: she’s been thinking about kids just as much as he has.

“Right,” Matt chuckles lightly, going along with it. “For babysitting.”

She knows he can see right through him and sucks in a sharp breath. She looks more hesitant than he does now. “I don’t know, a kid or two might be nice somewhere down the line,” she admits nervously. “Right?”

“It would,” he replies softly with a smile. “I’d be lying if I said I haven’t thought about it once or twice tonight.”

“Really?” When Matt nods, she smiles and her shoulders relax.

“Well Severide said I should probably keep that to myself but I don’t care.”

“I don’t want you to keep it to yourself,” she tells him firmly but kindly. “You, Matt Casey, are always allowed to share what you see in our future with me. Okay?”

“Okay,” he nods happily. “I guess this test run isn’t so bad then, is it? If we’re on the same page about things.”

“No, it isn’t.” Her eyes light up and it’s all the confirmation Matt needs that he’s not alone in his baby fever. Their eyes stay fixed on each other, a soft and exciting tension washing over them.

The moment, however, is interrupted by Brian. He’s still in Matt’s arms but Matt suddenly hears what is probably the quietest, cutest yawn he’s ever heard come from Brian’s mouth.

“It’s getting late,” Sylvie realizes.

“Yeah, his bedtime was…” Matt checks the clock and his eyebrows immediately shoot up. “Twenty minutes ago?”

Sylvie looks at the baby in Matt’s arms, surprised. “You really had a lot of energy tonight, didn’t you? You were dancing past your bedtime, little buddy!” “Well I don’t blame him, your performance was very entertaining,” Matt muses. “Maybe a little too good,” she realizes with a giggle. “Come on, let's put him in the crib.”

“Aw come on,” Matt pleads. “Just a few more minutes? I don’t think he wants to move.”

“You are a bad influence, Matt Casey.” Sylvie shakes her head amusedly. She soaks in the sight though and can’t resist. Brian is draped over Matt's chest, his head now resting on his shoulder as his eyes flutter tiredly. Matt’s hand covers the little boy’s entire back, rubbing circles on it gently as he stabilizes the boy. Sylvie bites her lip for the second time that night and Matt knows she’s going to concede. “He does seem to be comfortable there though,” she counters reluctantly.

“Very comfortable,” he corrects her. What can he say? He just wants to sit in this little fantasy of his for a little longer. He so rarely lets himself hope like this that it feels almost necessary to extend this for as long as possible. Besides, Brian Cruz is adorable, it’d be crazy if he didn’t think of a kid of his own-- at least a little-- while he’s here. “I, however, am not.”

“Well here, come up to the couch. That’ll be more comfortable for the both of you,” she tells him, her voice now hushed and soothing so as to calm Brian down and not interrupt his process of slowly falling asleep.

Matt carefully gets up and shifts onto the couch, Brian still in his arms. He leans back and lets Brian sprawl out against his chest. The boy is light, no more than 15 pounds, but it’s still enough to put a light pressure on Matt’s chest.

He doesn’t mind. In fact, it’s the opposite. He loves it.

Sylvie stands up too, clearing the toys off the floor as Matt watches Brian’s breathing, the rise and fall of the small boy’s chest against his. It’s weirdly soothing and he soon feels his breathing match Brian’s, his eyes fighting to stay open. The singing and dancing and playing around really took the energy out of both of them.

When she’s done, she looks down at the two fatigued boys, smiling gently at the sight before curling up next to Matt on the couch. She holds Brian’s hand with her index and her thumb, and runs a soft hand over his head, before Matt’s arm wraps around her shoulder and she tucks her head in the nape of his neck.

“That’s better,” Matt beams, a tired smile on his face. He moves to press a kiss to Sylvie’s forehead.

“Much better,” she agrees quietly. “But we shouldn’t stay like this forever. He’ll need to go to his crib soon.”

“We’ll put him there soon,” he tells her. “Just five more minutes, babe…”

********

Wake up.

She feels those words ring through her body like an alarm. It sends the lights in her brain slowly turning back on as she eases into consciousness.

The first thing she sees, just barely and surrounded by a tired blur in her vision, is Matt. Brian’s still on his chest, both of them sleeping soundly. She smiles to herself, noting how peaceful her boyfriend looks in this position. Everything feels so warm. She’s cuddled up next to him, he’s lying with the baby. It all seems so picture perfect. She revels in it, if only for a moment.

She looks up and realizes it’s been twenty minutes since they’d fallen asleep— and Matt had promised only five. For a minute, she considers waking him up and telling him to bring Brian to his crib. She decides against it though, choosing instead to cuddle back into him and relax.

Joe and Chloe are going to be back any minute now. But she’ll be damned if she doesn’t soak every minute of this moment in. Before they’d figured things out and gotten together, Sylvie had scarcely allowed herself to feel things for him, nevermind daydream about the life they could have. But she looks at them, sees how truly good and comfortable Matt is with Brian, and can’t stop now. It’s addicting, dreaming about her future with Matt Casey. She intends to chase that feeling like it’s her only fix, especially since now she knows he’s thought about it too. Her dreams are his; theirs.

To Sylvie, that makes for a pretty good test run.

She falls back into Matt’s embrace, the three of them dozing off. They don’t wake up again until Joe and Chloe come back.

It’s the first night Brian Cruz gets a full night’s worth of sleep.

[nomsugayoongi]

Off My Face. - Part 2

Pairing: Jungkook X Female OC (nameless)

Tags: FLOOOOOOOOFFFFF. Slight angst but mainly just sappy, ridiculous fluff. ("She" is SO into him) And smooching. Think of this as the warm up before the straight up filth starts. :p

She walked outside in silence with Namjoon close beside her. He'd realised quickly that this wasn't a light-hearted situation to poke fun at. She looked troubled and it worried him. He stayed quiet, following her to the very bottom of the garden. She wanted to get as far away from the house as possible due to her irrational but overwhelming fear of someone overhearing. She settled on a picnic bench among some trees at the very end of the garden. Namjoon sat on the table itself with his feet on the bench. "What's going on?" He questioned. She sighed with exasperation. "God, I don't even know. It's so stupid." She groaned. She felt like a complete tool. "Ok, I'm just going to ask you something. Did you sleep with Jungkook?" Namjoon asked.

She frowned, shaking her head emphatically even though the very suggestion made her stomach clench. "But something happened between you right? Last night maybe." He wasn't exactly sure what it was but he was definitely sensing a shift in their relationship. She continued to shake her head. "No, nothing happened. Literally nothing. But..." She broke off and shrugged. "But...you want it to. You like him." He finished. She nodded. "I don't get it Namjoon. He's Jungkook. I've known him ages. I've never even slightly looked at him like that but...last night. God, when he walked in it was like the light dimmed around everything else. He changed right? While I was gone. Something happened to him. Something must have. He's...so different." She muttered. Namjoon smiled slightly and shook his head. "Not really. He's made a couple of changes to his appearance I guess but...that's just Jungkook becoming more fully who he is." He mused. She glanced at him with a slight smile. Namjoon could always be counted upon to speak pure sense. "But then why the sudden attraction? If he is the same guy I left 3 months ago, how come I can't look at him now without my insides going nuts? They didn't before I left. My insides did nothing. Now it's like my heart is trying to physically beat itself out of me so it can get closer to him. It's dumb. I literally can't handle how...sexy he is. He's like this whole new person to me. He's the damn maknae. He's the baby. Unthreatening, sweet little Jungkook. Now he walks into a room and it's like a pheromone bomb explodes in my face and there is not a fucking thing i can do to keep my hormones in check. He walks in, I check out. Full mental shutdown for anything that isn't related to him. I'm like...possessed of something. Can't see, can't hear, can't think anything else. Just him. And my head is taking me on this fully realised, sense-surround journey of me and him. Thoughts of him...in ways I didn't even know I COULD think about him." She shook her head, the floodgates opening and everything she was thinking and feeling just spilling out. "This cant be happening Joon. It just can't. I can't feel this way about him." Namjoon smiled, "Why not? He's not seeing anyone. You know that. Maybe you should talk to him. Tell him what's going on" he suggested. She shook her head rapidly. "Ohhhh no. Nope. No way. Can't. What the hell would I say? Oh Jungkook, I Lost my damn mind in England and now you're crazy hot. Wanna make out?" Namjoon laughed heartily. "Maybe don't word it that way. But you know you can talk to him. He's Jungkook. He'd get it. And maybe it would help you to feel not so crazy. You can't keep this to yourself." He said. She shrugged. "Have to. I can't tell him Namjoon. I don't even understand it. And hey, it could be just like....a fleeting thing. Quick infatuation cause i've missed you guys." She mused, not actually believing it at all. And apparently Namjoon didn't either. "Well... Are you having these feelings about any of the rest of us?" He questioned. "No." She replied. "Exactly. I don't think it's just cause you've been away. I think you've realised that home wasn't what you thought it was. Going back to England showed you how much has changed and now you're back here where you belong, your eyes are opened to other things that might not be what you thought they were. Like Jungkook." He offered. She hummed thoughtfully. It did sound plausable. But the part of her that didn't want to engage in this messiness threw up defences. "But why him? He's Jungkook. I'd get it if it was Jin or you or..Shugs even. But he's the baby. He's the least threatening of all of you. Except maybe Jimin and that's only because he's actually made of rainbows." She joked. Namjoon smiled and shook his head. "But he isn't. I think this is why you feel like he's changed. Jungkook isn't a kid anymore. We've all joked about the Maknae. But he stopped being the baby years ago. He's grown. He's an adult. The changes... The tattoos and piercings and hair. He doesn't want people to see him as a kid anymore. You thought he

was safe because he fit into a nice little box of being the baby. Now he's challenging that. And it's not just how he looks. He's more...in control of himself. He's putting out hard that he's grown. You're just...picking it up!" Namjoon explained. She huffed, dropping her head between her hands. "Well he needs to quit it. Things were simpler when he wasn't threatening. His new sexiness is offensive to me. I feel attacked." Namjoon laughed and she raised her head, smiling slightly. She knew she sounded childish. "I really think you need to talk to him." Namjoon suggested. She sighed, shaking her head again. "I can't. It's too messy. And he'd feel weird about it and it'd make it awkward and I don't want that. It'll pass. This time next week we'll be laughing about this conversation." He could hear the hopeful tone in her voice but wasn't convinced. convinced In all honesty, Namjoon thought she'd be great for Jungkook. He needed someone to balance him out. He was too hard on himself. Overly critical about everything he did, from starving himself before video shoots to completely breaking down if he made the smallest mistake. He needed someone to bolster him. To show him how he actually was. Not what his critical mind told him he was. It was a running joke that Jungkook was good at everything but Namjoon didn't like where it seemed to be going. He worried for his youngest brother. He felt that her affections could be exactly the thing Jungkook needed to calm him down. To show him that he didn't need to try so hard. He was enough. He needed someone to adore him for exactly who he was. And she was perfect. And Jungkook was perfect for her too. He could ground her. Show her that even though this wasn't where she was born, it was where she belonged. Show her that she wasn't an outsider. He could anchor her. Give her the confidence she was so desperately lacking. They would be so perfect together. But he could tell by her expression that this wasn't a conversation that she was willing to hear right now so he kept it to himself. "So what now?" He questioned. She shrugged, looking defeated. "Dunno. Just wait for it to pass I guess. Namjoon, please don't say anything to the others." She asked, looking suddenly panicked. He smiled, jumping off the picnic table and pulling her into a hug. "Of course not. But if you need to talk about it..." She nodded against his shoulder, suddenly overwhelming thankful to have such amazing people in her life. "Thank you Namjoon. I don't know what I'd do without you." She whispered. He laughed, tightening his hold on her. "You never have to find out" he said comfortingly. ----------------------------------------------------------- Weeks passed. Her feelings didn't. If anything, they were getting stronger by the day. Being around him was painful. Being away from him was worse. She was convinced that she acted differently when he was around. She felt more distracted but Namjoon assured her it wasn't noticable to anyone else. Her cover was still in tact even though she was sure that every interaction with Jungkook turned her into a spazz. They'd planned a movie night. She was going to cook for the boys, something she loved to do then they were all going to crash out in the lounge and binge watch films. After a day of shopping for food and prepping, she was ready for a relaxing night. It was extraordinary how much food those 7 guys could put away. Even after overestimating and cooking what she thought was way too much, they still managed to finish everything. She picked at her food. Cooking always made her lose her appetite and honestly she was just tired. She wanted to collapse on the sofa and zone out for a while with the comforting noise of her favourite people around her. As the meal finished, she began to gather up the plates and clear away. It could have waited until the following day but she thought she might as well do it then while she still had a scrap of energy left. With a tower of plates and bowls balancing precariously on her arm, she teetered into the kitchen and started loading the

dishwasher. She'd have to go back out for glasses and serving dishes. She smiled to herself, listening to the rabble coming from the guys as they moved into the lounge and fought over who got what seat. She heard the kitchen door open behind her and figured it'd be Namjoon or Yoongi. Generally If she was doing something, they helped. She turned and saw Jungkook wandering into the kitchen with a stack of serving dishes. He was balancing them on one arm while eating the remains of the top dish. "How are you still eating?" She chuckled, shaking her head. He smiled sheepishly with a shrug. "I can't waste good food." He replied with his mouth still full. She rolled her eyes, having a moment to enjoy the warm feeling that filled her tummy when he looked happy. "You didn't eat much. Are you ok?" He asked, the concern he expressed marred slightly by the giant amount of noodles he was trying to stuff in his mouth. "Yeah I'm good. I'm just not hungry. I'm always starving when I start cooking and by the time I've made it, I don't want it." She explained with a smile. He dumped the dishes on the counter next to her pile and turned to her, leaning against the worktop. "Are you sure you're ok? I feel like I haven't seen you in ages" he said softly. Her heart fluttered as she turned to face him. There was a moment of silence where she contemplated her answer. A tiny part of her was telling her to tell him how she felt about him. The vast majority of her was screaming to keep quiet. She nodded, wrapping her arms around herself. "Yeah...I'm ok. Tired I guess. And a little cold. Maybe I'm getting sick." She shrugged. He nodded slowly, the expression on his face was difficult to read but it made her stomach churn nervously. She turned to the dishwasher, distracting herself from his gaze by stacking the plates. "Leave that. We'll clean later." He said. She felt his hand on her back and almost jumped out of her skin. She straightened up and steadied herself. He'd taken off his white hoodie and was holding it out to her. "You said you're cold." He offered. A wave of affection surged through her as she looked at him. His soft brown eyes studying her carefully. She tilted her head to the side, taking in how beautiful he was. Not just in looks but In general. "Jagi" she whispered, barely audibly. The endearment left her lips without her even noticing. His eyes widened slightly for a second then a shy smile tugged at his lips. He pushed his hoodie into her hands. She took it, pulling it over her head, the smell of him enveloping her. As she straightened the hood and pulled out the yellow drawstrings, he stepped closer, untucking her hair from underneath the hoodie. He straightened her hair then paused, catching a loose strand from her forehead and pushing it away from her eyes, tucking it carefully behind her ear. "Sit with me?" He asked. She looked up at him, her heart hammering as she nodded. "Mmm hmm" She followed Jungkook into the lounge feeling slightly dazed. Maybe it was the lack of food. Maybe it was the brief interaction she'd just had with him. Maybe it was a combination of both but she felt...different. Her tummy was squirming but in a good way. She felt...warm. Her interactions with him were usually tinged with nervousness or fear. Would she slip up? Would she say or do something that gave her away? But at that moment she just felt peaceful. She just wanted to be with him. Wherever it was or whatever they were doing, it didn't matter. The guys were already sprawled over the sofas and Yoongi was arguing with Jin over what film to watch first. Jungkook picked the corner of the largest sofa, nudging Namjoon further over so there was space for her. She didn't miss the knowing smile Namjoon flashed her as he relented what was arguably the comfiest spot on the sofa. Jungkook sat, patting the space beside him which she took happily. He threw an arm around her shoulders, pulling her into his side. The arguement about which film to watch ended, the lights were turned off and silence fell as the movie began to play. She wasn't paying any

attention to the film whatsoever even though she was technically looking at it. She was too lost in her thoughts to actually notice what was happening. She'd watched films and cuddled with the guys numerous times. Jungkook included. But she felt so different. She could see him out of the corner of her eye. His face illuminated by the screen. She could seem him gasp at a cool part or laugh at a funny part. She felt every movement when he stretched or wriggled. His arm moved from round her shoulders and rested between them as he slumped further down on the sofa. She watched his hand gradually move closer to her leg. She moved her hand closer to his, using her little finger to trace the letters tattooed on his knuckles. She saw his face break into a smile and he straightened out his fingers, making it easier. She traced each letter slowly, then the crosses between, then the BTS logo. He chuckled softly and she glanced at him. "Tickles" he mouthed. She grinned, stopping her tracing. "Sorry" she mouthed back. He shook his head. "Nice" he muttered. He turned his hand over so it was palm up and she smiled, turning her attention back to his hand to trace the lines across his palm. He sighed quietly, resting his head against the back of the sofa and closing his eyes. He liked the attention. He needed it. He'd been feeling pretty down on himself over the past couple of weeks. He'd noticed that she'd been avoiding him and it bothered him. He couldn't figure out what he'd done wrong and though he felt the constant need to apologise to her for it, he didn't know what he was apologising for so instead he just kept quiet. His hyungs did their best to boost his mood but their affection and attention didn't affect him the same way hers did. They were his family. They loved him so it made it easier to take their encouragements with a grain of salt. But she had no reason to pretend. If she was giving him her attention, it was because she wanted to. And he craved her attention more than he wanted to admit. He knew that to her he was just the maknae but sometimes it was nice to just feel like himself. He focused on the feeling of her fingers gliding softly along his hand, moving up his wrist. It tickled pleasantly. He wanted more. He wanted everyone to go away so that he could have her full attention for a while. The delicate stroking of his arm stopped and he felt movement beside him. He opened his eyes as she was getting up. "Leaving?" He asked, unable to hide his slight frown. She smiled and shook her head. "Bathroom" she whispered. " Back in a minute" She needed a breather. A second away to collect herself. She was falling into this a little too much. Being in such close proximity to Jungkook. Neither one of them actually paying attention to the movie. He looked so peaceful and content as she'd been playing with his hand. She noticed every time he'd smiled or sighed happily, every twitch of his fingers when she ran over an extra ticklish bit. She wondered if he'd noticed that she'd traced the heart on his hand more than any of his other tattoos. She studied herself in the bathroom mirror. His hoodie was too big on her and she grinned as she wrapped the yellow drawstrings around her fingers. She took a deep breath, tried to calm the butterflies in her stomach and headed back. The way she felt in that moment, 2 minutes was too long to be away from him. He greeted her with a smile as she crept back into the room and took her place beside him once again. "Okay? He whispered. She smiled and nodded. She snuggled back into the big cushions and turned her attention to the film. She wanted to keep touching him but didn't know if the moment was ruined. He closed his eyes again, also wondering if her attentions were finished. He felt her shuffle beside him but didn't open his eyes. He was kind of disappointed really. Or at least, he had been for the first few minutes. Then he felt her fingers in his hair, pushing through until she touched the skin on the back of his neck. The pleasent tickle returned with the smooth, feather like glide of her

fingers. He shivered slightly, leaning into her touch. His eyes fluttered and he let his head lol forward. She traced swirly patterns from the nape of his neck, down, pushing her fingers under the collar of his t shirt to stroke the top of his back. She'd tickle up and down his neck then under his collar and along to his shoulder then back. He was almost purring. Her light touch felt so good. He was angry that his hyungs were in the room. Had they been alone he would have just laid on his front, whipped off his shirt and left her have it it. He wanted more. He wanted to feel the soft glide of her fingers all over his skin. As she pushed her fingers up through his hair another blissful shiver traveled down his spine. All thought fell from his head as a he lost himself in her delicate stokes. Slightly more pressure against the back of his head then soft again as she wrapped his hair round her fingers. He wasn't sure how long it'd been going on for but it didn't feel like long enough when she stopped. His eyes felt heavy but he forced them open, looking at her quizzically. "What?" He asked, noticing the slight bashful expression on her face. "I need to stop" she whispered. He frowned, "Why?" She sighed, exasperated. "I need a drink" she mumbled, getting up and heading for the kitchen. He sat for a minute, puzzled, then headed after her. He found her in the kitchen leaning against the opened fridge door. "What's the matter?" He asked, closing the kitchen door behind him to drown out the movie sound blaring from the next room. She huffed and shrugged keep her back to him. "I just...need a drink. And to stop petting you like a dog" she muttered. He laughed, placing a hand on her shoulder. "I don't mind" he replied. "Well I mind" she snapped back. He frowned, dropping his hand. "Oh....ok. Sorry." He mumbled. She turned to look at him, a bashful kind of hurt look on his face like she was angry at him. Her heart ached. "No...Jungkook, I mind because...." She took a deep breath, hating the look on his face, "...because I don't want to stop. I want to stoke you and pet you and make you feel good. But I can't because the more you enjoy it, the more I want to kiss you." She blurted. He looked at her wide eyed. Her face burned, her heart thudding wildly. Well damn. She'd said it now. "Jungkook...I'm sorry. I have been having such a shitty time being around you. Since I got back from England, you're all I can think about. I am so fucking into you it's not even funny. And I want to be close to you and do things that make you feel good cause there is NOTHING nicer than seeing you happy but it's just all tangled up in this shit i'm feeling and I don't know if I can keep them separate and I'm so scared of making you feel awkward or uncomfortable so....it's better if I just...go!" She sighed. Jungkook didn't seem phased. He nodded as though he understood then took a step towards her. "Kiss me?" he said softly. She nodded, rubbing her face. "Yes, I wanna kiss you" she replied. He took another step, a smile tugging at his lips. "No I'm not asking if you want to. I'm..." He sighed, "...I'm telling you to do it." Now it was her turn to look surprised. She frowned, looking at the smirk playing round his mouth. "Huh?" She barked. He took another step, closing the gap between them, he reached for her hands, pulling her to him. "Come here....and kiss me." His voice was lower and breathy. His brown eyes flashed as he leaned in, shaking his hair off his face. "Show me what you're feeling" he whispered. She almost wilted. His eyes closed heavily, his nose touched hers, their was a sharp inhale of breath from her, her grip on his hands tightening then her lips brushed his so lightly. Her heart was beating so fast she could hear the blood pounding in her ears. Her legs didn't feel like they could take her weight. His mouth opened, she could taste his breath. She wasn't sure if he was teasing her or they were teasing each other, either way, there was a delicious moment where the promise of the kiss hung in the air between them, then it ended, her lips

caught his, her hands sliding up his arms and winding round his shoulders. It didn't feel like a tentative first kiss. It was supercharged. All force and heavy breathing. It was like he could feel how much she wanted him and he fed off it. His hands tangled in her hair, holding her head steady as he took possession of her mouth, his tongue explored, he nibbled her bottom lip, she moaned against his lips, fingers curling against his shoulders. He could feel the slight nip of her nails through his shirt and it only served to make him kiss harder. He was rapidly losing control of himself. He felt greedy. He could feel the waves of desire radiating off her. The air was thick with lust. She wanted him. And he wanted her to want him. But not here. Not like this. He hated it but he eased up, letting go of the handfuls of her hair, trying to steer this back to somewhere manageable. He kissed her softer, running his fingers down her cheek, feeling her grip on his shoulders relax. He diverted the attention from her mouth, kissing sweetly along her collarbone then up her neck. A slight, mischevious nibble of her earlobe made her breath catch but he grinned, running his fingers through her hair. "Naekkeo!" he whispered.

[prettypinklass]

What happens when the Barbara Fan Club is bothering Barbara: Featuring the Knights of Favonius and my team

Jean

If she catches Albert bothering Barbara it will be the most passive aggressive you will ever seen the acting grand Master.

"Excuse me, but Sister Barbara and I are on official business. Please do not interrupt us."

Barbara will squeak and then nod in agreement.

If it's one of the creepier fans who try to get a little handsy, things get a little more violen.

She will straight up knock out a person if they try to get handsy with her or Barbara, and sometimes Barbara will have to stop her from doing more.

Essentially, it's common knowledge that if Barbara and Jean are together, don't bother them.

Kaeya

"Excuse me, but Sister Barbara and I are busy. Whatever it is that you require, I'm sure that the church will be more then capable of assisting you."

Not as passive aggressive as Jean, but the air tends to become just a little bit cooler if he thinks someone is bothering her.

If the personnel question tries to get handsy, they may find themselves with cold feet. Literally.

And yes, Kaeya will leave them there until someone comes to help them, or until the ice melts on its own.

Lisa

It's almost as bad as having an overdue book.

She's very sweet and condescending when telling people to leave Barbara alone. She's also very quick to remind them that Barbara is VERY busy as the deaconess, and that if they really care about her, it would be best to leave her alone.

"Tsk tsk, Sister Barbara is so very busy as the deaconess. If you need healing, then I suggest you just head to the church. I'm certain if you really care about her, then you'll be more then happy to let us finish our official business, right?"

Anyone who gets handsy falls victim to her "shock first, question later" policy.

Lisa has gotten into trouble more then once with Jean for her shocking, but for reasons unknown, if the reason for her shocking was related to Barbara, she tends to get off without more then a slap on the wrist.

The knights are sworn to secrecy on this, but Jean 100% approves of shocking people who get handsy with Barbara. Some think it's a bit harsh, but Lisa is more then happy to oblige.

Barbara doesn't like it though, and though she would be more then happy to heal them, Lisa always sends them to the church before she can.

Amber

If Amber is out with Barbara, its unlikely they'll run into obsessive fans. Most of their work is done outside of the city, clearing out hilichurl camps or collecting herbs together.

If somehow, they DO run into an obsessive fan, Amber may or may not "accidentally" mistake them for a hilichurl. Or perhaps miss her shot and hit them in the rump instead.

Never with a flaming arrow, she isn't THAT mean, but there's no harm in scaring them off right?

If they don't leave after that, she'll get Barbara to hide and go talk to them.

"Citizen of Mondstadt! What are you doing out here in the wilderness? It's dangerous!"

"Outrider Amber? Do you know where-"

"If you're friend is missing, then rest assured that I will find them! But I have to ask you to please return to the city, and not to stray off the path. It's too dangerous out here."

That's the end of their conversation, always. If they don't leave, Amber will make them.

Klee

Klee LOVES hanging out with Auntie Barbara. But Uncle Kaeya and Master Jean warned her about people who may try to get too close.

If an obsessive fan is bothering them, Klee will tell them that they're on official business, and they don't have time to chat!

"Sorry sir! Auntie Barbara and I are on official duty for the Knights of Favonius, so we don't have time to play! But if you still want too later, we can play together when we're done!"

Klee doesn't understand what Lisa means by "getting handsy" and has made mistakes before, but through trial and error (and some reflection time in solitary confinement), knows how to tell if Barbara is uncomfortable with the way someone is touching her.

If such a thing ever happens, Klee will grab her hand and pull her away, throwing a small little present at the fan who never learned the meaning of consent.

Said present is usually a bomb, followed by Klee and Barbara high tailing it out of there before the knights arrive so Klee doesn't get in trouble.

Jean knows it's Klee's fault, but Barbara always tells her what happened. She'll always pretend she doesn't know what happen. This has sparked a rumor that there's a crazy bomber in Mondstadt.

It's just Klee. She's the crazy bomber.

Rosaria

Barbara is never truly alone anywhere near town. If she looks to be alone, beware of sister Rosaria, who may or may not be in the shadows.

Rosaria and Barbara don't get along all the time, but Rosaria would never let anyone harass a fellow sister of the church.

She'll stay out of it if it's just harmless chatter. Most of the time, it's just fans trying to get an autograph.

On the occasion that someone wants more though, they won't get a chance

If someone tries to touch her, gets too close, or even looks at Barbara in the wrong way, Sister Rosaria will be standing behind them within an instant.

"Watch where you put your hands/gaze. Harassing a sister of the church is punishable by death."

Thats a lie, but it usually does the trick.

For my team...

Xinyan

Barbara loves hanging out with Xinyan. It's refreshing to see a different style of music, and they've even talked about doing shows together.

The traveler briefed Xinyan on Barbara's situation in Mondstadt though, and if you asked her, it's the farthest thing from rock'n roll.

Xinyan isn't a fan of her scary face. Her upturned eyebrows and naturally narrowed eyes, paired with her punk rock aesthetic make her menacing, and she hates it.

But she isn't afraid to make use of it if anyone is bothering her and Barbara, especially when they're talking music.

A glance is usually enough to scare them off, but anyone who gets too close may get a little more then they bargained for.

"Hey, pal," Xinyan will grab their wrist before they can do anything, "Don'tcha know it's rude to interrupt a conversation? Sister Barbara and I are busy. If you need something from the church, why don't you go to the cathedral?"

Xinyan isn't familiar with a lot of Mondstadt's customs, but she's damn well sure that touching without warning or consent isn't one of them.

Most fans won't approach if she's around though. Her scary face isn't a feature she's happy with, but at least it keeps the creeps away.

Venti

The wind always gets stronger if you're bothering Barbara and the tone deaf bard is around.

It's a strange phenomenon, but nobody really pays much attention to it.

If Venti catches you bothering his dear devoted sister of the church, he will intervene.

"Ah, Sister Barbara! There you are! I composed a new melody, and was hoping I could have the honor of you singing with me!"

Barbara knows this isn't true, but she knows he's trying to help and frankly, she doesn't want to deal with obsessive fans. So she goes along with it.

"Oh, Venti! Of course, I'd be happy to help."

Of course, if you're near the fountain, the wind may just blow you into the water instead.

And anyone who tries to get handsy gets blown into it no matter where they are.

Needless to say, Lord Barbatos doesn't approve of people harassing the deaconess of his church.

Ganyu

Ganyu isn't familiar with Mondstadt's customs or traditions, and nor are Mondstadt's people familiar with the creatures known as Adepti, much less a half Adeptus.

Though Ganyu makes it a habit to avoid entering the church, in favor of her faith to Rex Lapis and her contract, she's more then happy to assist the knights with whatever they need.

She was asked to accompany Barbara out of town once by Jean.

"You mean... Sister Barbara of the church?"

"Yes. If you aren't comfortable with it, you don't have to, but..."

"It would be no trouble at all Master Jean, but... may I ask why the deaconess needs someone to accompany her?"

Jean's expression became disgruntled, but she explained the situation. Needless to say Ganyu wasn't happy with it.

Though she has a habit of bringing her clipboard and papers when she's out with Barbara, she's quite good at getting people to leave them alone.

"Barbara-sama-"

"Sister Barbara, could you look at this for a moment? I understand the church and the knights share the authority in Mondstadt, so I was hoping you could help me plan some trade routes between the Dawn Winery and Liyue..." she'll get in the way of any fans who try to bother them, and get work done at the same time. Really, it's almost impressive.

If they persist, she'll click her tongue and turn to frown at them

"Excuse me, but I'm afraid Sister Barbara and I are quite busy. Relationships between Liyue and Mondstadt have grown rocky as of late due to the recent passing of our archon. It is of the utmost importance that we stabilize our relationship as countries and ensure that Mondstadtians and Liyese continue to be capable of freely passing our border without fear of the other."

That usually gets them to leave. Anyone who tries anything more will face Ganyu's ability of abruptly stopping a conversation and leaving, this time with Barbara in tow.

[biaswreckingfics]

No Limits: Part 12

Author: biaswreckingfics

Genre: Mafia AU - Warnings? Everything that goes on in a mafia au

Word Count: 2.4k

Previous Chapter

Sehun's POV

He stared blankly at the water as he tried not to let his nervous thoughts consume him. The sound of the waves crashing onto the shore, and the slight breeze that rustled his jacket, helped calm his racing heart while he waited for EXO to show up.

He did everything he could to make sure that he wasn't followed, especially since he didn't know who or how many members of EXO would be meeting up with him today. Jaesuk helped give him a cover story, telling Minho that he needed a shipment picked up from some boat that was coming in this afternoon. Sehun didn't ask questions when Jaesuk told him about his idea. Instead, he gratefully accepted Jae's help, and luckily for both of them, Minho believed the made-up scenario.

Sehun had truly lucked out when the Baem paired him up with Jaesuk. They just so happened to stick him with the one member that was ready to bring them their downfall. To say Sehun was shocked when he found out was an understatement, but it turns out, confronting Jaesuk that day was one of the best things Sehun had ever done.

"What else do you know?"

"What else do you?" Jaesuk asks him cautiously.

Sehun was nervous, but he had already made the first move, so he might as well dive in headfirst.

"I know I'm not a Baem member..." Jaesuk lets out a hum of acknowledgment but otherwise stays silent. "...And I know I'm a member of EXO."

At the mention of EXO, Jaesuk quickly scans their surroundings. He checks to see if anyone was within earshot before looking back at Sehun. "Took you long enough."

Sehun freezes at his words. Surely he had heard him wrong. There was no way Jaesuk was waiting for him to realize he was a part of EXO, right?

"What?" Sehun asks the other man with bewilderment.

"I was beginning to wonder if you were ever going to figure it out."

Sehun stares at Jaesuk dumbfoundedly. What the heck was happening right now? Why was Jaesuk so willingly discussing this with him? Why was he waiting for him to realize the truth about who he was?

"Are your memories back?" Jaesuk curiously asks. When Sehun shakes his head no, Jae's brows furrow. "How did you figure it out then?"

Sehun debated if it was smart to tell him. He still didn't know what the man's intentions were, but Sehun mostly trusted Jaesuk. Maybe that was stupid of him, but his gut told him it was the right thing to do.

Sehun thought about it for another moment before deciding. He was going to tell him, but he was going to leave you out of it. EXO was one thing, but the Baem still wanted you for leverage.

"I found a way to get into contact with them... I think I'll leave it at that for now, though."

Jaesuk studies his face before nodding. "Smart. There are not many people you can trust around here."

"Are you going to tell them I know?" Sehun cautiously asks, not even realizing he was holding his breath.

"No." He responds, surprising Sehun for the third time tonight. "You know... I actually like you, Sehun. You're kind of cold, but that's to be expected... If this were a different world, I think the two of us would've caused a lot of trouble together."

Sehun's mouth drops open at the compliment, and he quickly shuts it. Mafia men weren't supposed to be emotional or sentimental. At least, they weren't supposed to show it.

"Now what?"

Jaesuk grins mischievously at him. "Now, I'm going to help you get the fuck out of here."

Sehun hears movement behind him, drawing him back into the present. When he turns, he's met with four figures. You and three men who looked like they were seeing a ghost. Which, if Sehun thought about it, they kind of were.

Sehun nervously swallows before taking the first step toward you.

Y/N's POV

You immediately notice the shocked silence around you as Sehun cautiously approaches the group. The younger man offers you a small smile while his eyes dart around the other group members. Once he's within five feet of you, he stops.

You glance at the men around you, taking in Chanyeol's frozen state while you do. Jongdae's eyes curiously look Sehun up and down, while Junmyeon takes a step toward Sehun before stopping himself. If you had to guess, your brother wanted to see if the man in front of him was truly there, or if his eyes were playing tricks on him.

Finally, Junmyeon breaks the silence with a sad voice. "I'd hug you right now, Sehun, but I don't think you know who I am."

Sehun takes in the leader's words, and you can see him trying to carefully choose his. Gently, he says, "I know who you are... I just don't remember who you are to me..."

"So, it's true," Jongdae breathes. "Your memory is gone."

Sehun nods in thought. "Mostly. I'm remembering little things here and there, obviously," looking pointedly around at the location he had chosen, "but the majority of it is gone."

"How did you end up with the Baem... and what made you contact us?" Your brother asks. He tried to sound curious, but you wondered if this was his way of testing Sehun to see where his loyalties lie.

Sehun launches into his story of waking up at the warehouse and the Baem finding him there and claiming he was one of their own. He told the group how he felt wrong while he was with them and like he wasn't supposed to be there. How he felt connected to EXO and when he overheard the Baem's plan of killing him once he got his memories back. Sehun spilled everything like he hadn't had anyone to talk to in months.

You couldn't imagine how terrified he had been. How scary it would be to wake up in a wrecked warehouse and not being able to remember who you were or how you even got there. Then spending time with a mafia group when you know their plan is to off you the second they find you useless. Although, you could relate to the last one a little, considering you had no idea what EXO's intentions were when you came to them.

"Well, I'm relieved you are alive and okay... We all are." Jongdae slowly says while he fidgets with the zipper on his jacket. It was clear he didn't like being away from his surveillance equipment for too long and wanted to go back to the vehicle. "Now that I've seen you with my own eyes. I've got to get back and make sure everything is still okay."

As Jongdae walks away, Junmyeon immediately starts telling Sehun that they're going to take him back to EXO. That it was time for Sehun to come home with them, but you aren't surprised when the younger man quickly refuses the idea. He had refused you when you tried to get him to come home the day you saw him too.

"Why?” Junmyeon asks in bewilderment, making Sehun shrug.

"This may sound crazy, but... I feel like there's something I still need to do. I don't know what, but it's the same feeling that I got when I knew I had to contact you. Also, I want to take the Baem down for good."

You run Sehun's words through your mind and try to figure out what it would be that Sehun felt like he had to do. Sehun was no fan of the Baem, especially after they killed his cousin, but what could he do from within Baem territory that he couldn't do from EXO's compound?

"Well, that's something we all want," your brother assures him. "That information you gave us has been incredibly useful. We've already got the plan forming, and, let's just say, it'll be over soon... Especially if we can get a little help from the inside."

You had stayed back while the boys spoke with Sehun since this was their first time seeing him in months, and you already had. Now that they were speaking about the plan against the Baem, you felt like it was time to join the conversation.

"Sehun... Have you seen the leaders at all? Two of them were able to escape the first time we attacked... We need to find them before we can put the plan into motion."

Sehun pauses at your words and looks back at you with wide eyes. "That's it. That's what I need to do."

You and Junmyeon share a look, wondering if you were helping Sehun remember something.

"I'll find the leaders who escaped while I still have a chance, and then I'll come back to EXO."

Junmyeon looks like he wants to object before he sighs and lets it go. "Don't do anything that's going to put yourself into danger."

"I have someone inside who can help me. Don't worry."

You try to hide the shock you feel at his words, but it was too difficult, and you knew it was written all over your face. How could Sehun willingly work with your enemy? "A Baem member?"

"I trust him," Sehun nods, looking back and forth between you and your brother and taking in your reactions. "So, please trust me."

Junmyeon must've been feeling the same way you were, but he was having a little more difficulty attempting to hide it than you were. The man looked like he was having an aneurism. "You're... okay... okay..."

You quickly bring your hand up to rub your brother's back and calm him down at the thought of Sehun trusting a Baem member. "If you have someone you can trust... Good. Use them."

The slight breeze pushes your hair into your face, and you flip it back with the shake of your head. That's when you realize you had forgotten Chanyeol was even there. The tall man still stood next to you but was a complete frozen statue. You take in his shaken appearance and ghostly pale face before Sehun interrupts your observation.

"I'm sorry for... strangling... you," he awkwardly tells you.

You look back at him, startled that he would randomly say that, and wave him off with an "it's fine" before your brother can step in and say anything about it. Instead, you bring your focus back to Chanyeol. Now was his time to talk to Sehun, and he was either in shock or frozen in terror.

You look back at Sehun to see that his focus had also finally fallen on the statue of a man. All your mind could do was wonder if Sehun knew they were cousins or if he knew how close they were.

Noticing the silence, Chanyeol blinks a couple times before looking between the three of you. When he realizes he's the object of everyone's attention, his eyes widen and snap toward you in panic. He opens his mouth a couple times like he wants to say something, but nothing comes out. His eyes darting between you and Sehun in the process.

Sehun clearly notices the awkwardness of the other man and in a quiet voice, asks, "Are we close?"

That was all it took for Chanyeol to lose it. Tears immediately begin freefalling down his face, while his legs give out on him, and he drops down to the sand.

The moment causes both you and Junmyeon to freeze, while Sehun looks wildly between the three of you. He quickly mumbles out an apology to the man now losing it at his feet, shock taking over his features at the situation. You take a step toward Chanyeol, but he quickly shakes his head once he sees the movement, so you stay still.

"You're cousins. Well... more like brothers," Junmyeon tells Sehun. "The two of you have been through a lot together. More than most."

Sehun slowly nods as confusion and sadness battle for dominance on his face. How horrible it must be to watch someone who deeply cared for you crumble into pieces because you had no idea who they were? Sehun sways a little on his feet like he was trying to decide if he should comfort this stranger or if that would make it worse. His phone suddenly rings, distracting all of you and even quieting Chanyeol down.

Sehun quickly pulls his phone out and turns away from the scene while Junmyeon takes the opportunity to go over to Chanyeol and help him up. When he attempts to grab his arms and bring him to his feet, Chanyeol pushes him off, making Junmyeon stumble in the sand. Your brother sighs and quickly gives up, knowing he'll get nowhere.

Chanyeol tries to hide a couple sniffles as he stands up from his kneeling position, but they were still audible. Sehun hangs up his phone, but you knew he had seen the entire dilemma between Chanyeol and Junmyeon from his peripheral vision. He furrows his eyebrows, telling you he took in the information but didn't know how to process it.

"I need to go..." He pauses before pointing between the two men. "But whatever is happening between the two of you, you need to work it out and get it to-fucking-gether. We all need to be on the same page when we take the Baem down, or else we go down with them."

Sehun turns and walks away, leaving those as his parting words. You stifle a laugh once you realize the youngest just basically told the leader and his cousin to stop acting like children. You look between the two men and see the sheepish and guilty looks on their faces. Sehun may not remember anything, but he certainly still had his "sassy, don't care" attitude.

Chanyeol lets out a small laugh in disbelief while he watches Sehun walk away. A small smile grows on Junmyeon's face when he hears Chanyeol's laughter, even though the younger man had just pushed him off when he was trying to help. The next words that came out of Chanyeol's mouth had relief flowing through you too.

"That was such a Sehun thing to say."

Tagging: @knjkitten​​ @kpopserene​​ @multifandombxxch​​ @tashaxvamp​​ @kpop---scenarios​​ @bhyunni​​ @chanyeolismybaby​​ @flaming-laboob​​ @taetaeeyong​​ @lilbitoflyssa​​ @misstressporkchoppp​​ @hoseok-wang​​ @spiltkpop​​ @isha454 @depuis2mille​​ @marovekian1​​ @ladylynae​ @abby8451 @lynniev​​ @insta1010​​ @sawadabegum @avxngxrrogxrs​​ @equesasprokishi @imstuckinafictionaluniverse​​ @layisanangel​​ @mongryong-the-corgi​ @overthelamebowz​​ @lizbether01​ @thatanonymousgirl-as14​​ @nothingbutadeadesceane​​ @kim-ji-hyeons-world​​ @suhappysuho​​ @futuremrspcy​​ @lovebuginlove​​ @skylions-den​​ @precious-seungwooya​ @softysuho​ @kuppyjiminie​ @blushinyouth​ @bat-shark-repellant​ @vickylamore​ @heartshapedenchiladas​ @cardtak​ @tanithrea​ @wooya1224​ @multifanstuff​ @hyuniebaby​ @sehunnies-hunnie96​ @endzii23​ @kkpoptrashhh​ @mayzerofour @ries-universe

[bkfics]

VI.

[Back to your pov]

After seeing Ryota off you go back home as a sigh leaves your mouth remembering what he mouthed towards you.

‘Okāsan, are we going to ‘pa and ‘ma.?’ Kisara asks you referring to their grandparents.

You let out another sigh as you recall your conversation on the phone with Sakusa a few days ago, saying that you were gonna take the kids to your parents in Tokyo ‘cuz they miss them.

— Flashback —

‘What can I do for you, Sakusa-san?’ You asked him.

‘San? I, hmm.. can we talk about this in person?’

‘Sure. I’m free tomorrow morning, is that okay?’

‘Well.. I’m in Tokyo right now.. I don’t know when i’ll be coming back to Osaka.. but I really need to talk to you about it.’

Not knowing what to say, you stayed silent and he did too.

‘Aish, whatever. I’m just gonna ask you now-‘ he broke the awkward silent and you could hear his anxiousness and frustration by the tone of his voice.

You started being uneasy about this phone call, but you’re not the type of person to not help people when they need some, maybe he had something important to tell you, so you cut him off.

‘Is it important?’ You asked him while he was taking deep breathes.

‘Yes.’ He says as he continues his deep breathes.

‘Look, I’m coming to Tokyo in three days, I’m taking the kids to my parents, however i’ll be staying for a day, maybe we can meet then.’

‘A-alright! That’s perfect! I’ll see you then, thank you!’ He said with a relief tone.

— End of flashback —

You’re now checking if you’ve packed everything the twins need for the next 3 weeks.

‘Okāsan, why can’t you stay with us in Tokyo?’ Kazuhiko asks while he’s pulling down the edge of your t-shirt.

‘I already took a lot of time away from work honey. If i take more time, i’ll get fired. So, promise to behave and have a lot of fun even if Okāsan isn’t there, okay?’

He nods and starts sulking as he walks off to Kisara.  

‘Are you guys ready?’ Let’s go.’ You say taking their hands and making your way to take the Shinkansen in the station.

After a few minutes the train set off, the kids are already sleeping. You start looking out the window and can’t help thinking about what Sakusa wanted to talk about.

‘Is it really that important he needs to tell me in person?’ ‘Maybe he wants to apologize properly when he broke up with me.’ ‘What if he’s getting married and wants to invite me?’ ‘I don’t really think that i’m ready to see him settle down.’ ‘Should i just call him back to tell him that i can’t meet him?’ You start murmuring without noticing that Kisara is awake and calling you.

‘Okāsan, who are you talking to?’

‘Huh? No one baby, do you need something?’ You ask her after snapping out from your thoughts.

‘I want to do sport like nii-chan.’ She tells you after getting on your lap.

‘That’s great honey, do you also want to play baske-‘

‘No..’ she cuts you off with a sad tone.

‘What’s wrong honey?’ You cup her cheeks and make her look at you.

‘I know Otōsan and nii-chan play basketball-‘

She starts looking away from you and you wait for her to finish what she wants to say.

‘I like basketball.. but then i saw that cool Ojīsan in black uniform last time.. the way he looks at the ball and smiles at it.. i want to play volleyball, Okāsan.’ She looks at you determined and her eyes start watering.

‘It’s good that you know what you want to do, did you think that i’d be against it?’

She nods.

‘No baby, i’d never force you to do something you don’t want, we’ll look for a cool volleyball club later, okay?’

She nods a lot with a big smile stamped on her face and she hugs you.

A few minutes later, you arrive in Tokyo and you find your parents at the exit of the station and the kids start running towards them.

‘MAAA, PAAA!!’ They shout as they get picked up by them.

You smile at the sight of your happy family.

‘Welcome back home, my princess.’ Your dad hugs you.

‘Dad, I can’t breathe. I-I’m not a kid anymore, please.’ You tell him as he tightens his hug.

‘But you’ll always be a kid for us.’ Your mom denies your statement as she joins your family hug.

‘Let’s go home and play before lunch, i know you’re full of energy.’ She tells the kids with a smile.

‘Actually, i have to meet someone, so go head before me, i’ll see you at home.’

‘Someone? Wait.. Is it “him”?’ Your father intuitively asks you and you nod avoiding his gaze.

‘We actually met him a few days ago, he passed by, i know you guys have a lot to talk about.’ Your mom joins the conversation.

‘What did he do there..?’ You ask puzzled about his actions.

‘He went to the tre-‘ She’s about to tell everything, but she stops herself mid sentence.

‘Nothing! He just passed to greet us. Just go, before you get late at your meeting, don’t make him wait.’ You look at her suspiciously.

Sus. F*cking sus.

After saying bye, you walk towards the taxis and get on one. You tell the driver the address of your meeting place with Sakusa. The taxi passes a few blocks and you arrive at the destination, after getting off the taxi you realize that the café in front of you is the same place where you had some dates with him. After thanking and paying the driver, you make your way inside only to find him already seated in the usual same spot waving at you.

You freeze on your feet, almost having a panic attack, but you encourage yourself not to be nervous and starts walking again towards him. ‘It’s gonna be okay.’ You assure yourself.

‘Good morning, Sakusa-san.’ You greet him with a smile and confidently as you sit.

‘Good morning too, thanks for coming.’

There’s an awkward silence that’s slowly becoming tension that could be cut with a knife.

‘So’ You start to talk to break the silence.

‘Let’s- I’m sorry, go ahead-’ He says at the same time.

‘No no, it’s fine. I also cut you off, I’m sorry.’

He starts giggling that becomes a laugh. That laugh, you never knew how you missed it and without noticing it, you’re laughing along with him.

‘Kiyoomi.’ He says after laughing and you look at him confused.

‘Call me Kiyoomi again, Y/N.’

You start feeling shy, so you just nod as you avoid his gaze.

‘Let’s order something first, okay?’ Again, you just nod at him and take the menu from the waiter.

As your orders have been taken, he starts talking to you again.

‘It’s been so long since we came to this café, do you still remember?’

‘Yeah.. how could I forget about it? This is exactly the place that you covered my face with facemasks before coming in, so that the-‘

‘The other boys wouldn’t look at your face, hahaha’ You start blushing as he laughs and looks into your eyes.

‘You also took my jacket so that-‘ he starts.

‘The girls knew you were already with someone.’ This time you’re the one that finished his sentence and your face turned red as a tomato.

‘Hmm. So, how have you been?’ He asks turning away his face so that you can’t see him blush.

‘I’ve been very busy, but I’m living a happy life. So, you actually became a pro, like as you said back then. That’s nice!’ You tell him with an honest smile.

‘Yeah.. and.. you actually became a mother..’ He says looking straight in your eyes, with a feint sadness in it, but mostly a serious stare.

‘Yeah..’

Just as he’s about to say something, the waiter comes with your orders, you both thank him and start eating. You just keep eating, not even trying to look at him and you can feel that he’s watching you while he eats his pie.

He might not have notice it at first but he’s smart enough to put 2+2 together, by your reaction he probably guessed correctly that he’s related to the twins, but he still wants to hear it from you.

After finishing your coffees, your hand starts trembling and he immediately notices it, so he puts his hand on yours.

‘Hey, it’s okay.. let’s go in a quieter place, alright? Let’s go the park near the bus stop.’

Feeling his touch again makes you really calm, so you decide in your mind ‘It’s time to tell him.’, he needs to know the truth, he can be mad or disappointed but he has the rights to know and it’ll be up to him to believe you or not. You stand up from your seat and start following him after paying the bill.

After a few minutes of walking, you’re now at the park and you both sit on a bench under a cherry blossom.

‘A-actually, I have something to tell you.’ You say without losing time.

‘Me too, but you go first.’

‘Well, it’d be rude of me. You’re the one that invited me to talk. So, you should go first.’ You tell him with a feint smile.

‘It’s a question, actually. I need you to be honest.’

You nod and look at him, you suddenly feel a little breeze.

‘Am I the twins’ father?’ He asks with no hesitation and straight to the point.

Your eyes widened after hearing him, you can’t even utter a single word. ‘How did he come up a with a question like that?’ you ask yourself.

‘Why didn’t you tell me?’

‘I.. it’s because..’ You look down on the ground and after a few seconds you finally look into his eyes.

‘You didn’t want someone to hold you back, right?’

He’s now the one that stays silent, not being able to utter a word, so you continue.

‘You’d probably think of me as crazy girlfriend if I told you back then, that I was only inventing excuses only to make you stay with me.’

‘I still deserve to know that, they’re my kids.’ He gets up and starts raising his voice a little.

‘For four years I didn’t know their existence, I could’ve been there for them! For you! But you hid them from me! How selfish of you!’

‘Selfish? Me? Who’s the one that broke up with someone just to pursue their career after promising that they’ll be together no matter what happened? It ain’t me. Also, what would’ve happen if told you then? You already decided to break up with me, but knowing about the twins, it would’ve been a responsibility for you. You’d probably just stay because of them, because you’re the father. If that had been the case, then yes. I’d be selfish as much as I want. I don’t want someone to stay because of a responsibility that they can’t take back, I wanted you to stay for me and them, but you choose your career, right? Well, since you’re living your dream, congratulations.’ You also stand up as your blood starts rushing to your head and your eyes starts watering.

‘If you don’t want to be held back, just go and pretend that you never knew about it. I raised them for four years and still can raise them even if i’m alone.’ Your make up is getting messy as your tears keep falling, but you’re serious about raising them alone if he doesn’t want anything to do with you three.

‘I would’ve stayed because I still loved you! I know it was a stupid idea, but the more I stayed with you, the more I get distracted during matches and practices. I was a jerk. I regretted it and still regret it. But! After what happened at the match, I still care about you, it was right there that I knew that I want you back! Now I want to meet and know the twins too.. so please. Can we start all over again and become a family? I know it’s gonna be hard for the kids to understand.. but.. don’t you feel anything for me?’ He tells you as he kneels down in front of you.

‘Feel anything for you? The moment I saw you after four long years, I still had butterflies in my stomach, you baka.’ You say in your head.

‘I don’t know about that yet. You can start being there for the kids, I’m not sure If they’ll see you as their father.. give me some time to think about.. us two.’ You tell him as you drag him to stand up.

‘I understand.. can I see them right now?’ He asks after wiping some tears from his eyes.

You nod and think that it’s also time for the twins to know who their real father is, you hope that they at least acknowledge that he’s their real dad.

You know you love Kiyoomi. You still love him. But not as much as before.. you try to love him more like you used to.. but there’s a feeling that it pains your heart when you try your hardest to give your entire being to him.. you’re getting confused ideas about why you can’t fully commit to it. Ahh, It’s Ryota. Yep, now you remember what he mouthed to you at the airport and what you heard him say that night. For him, you and the kids are his home.

masterpost | V. | VII.

FACTS: 

The one that inspired Kazuhiko to play basketball was Ryota. 

The night that Ryota confessed his feelings while you were sleeping, you were actually awake and you also cried. 

@rrroadkill @samwise-though @lola2001 @velociraptorenthusiast @mjade1321 @farmertoshi @kurosiee @googiembul @hohoshiumi @floralkawa @miwtze @crapimahuman @setsukobb

if your name have “—” it’s because i can’t seem to tag you. i’m sorry! :((

[yutahoes]

Mono no Aware

(Part Four)

Intro - One - Two - Three - Four

Mono No Aware, ‘the pathos of things’, a melancholic appreciation of the transiency of existence. That fleeting moment when you realized that something you love is bound to  disappear. Like life.

pairing : grim reaper! Yuta Nakamoto x female doctor! Reader

chapter word count : 1k words

chapter genre : angst 

chapter warning : mention of death, mention of blood, cursing

author’s note: I’m sorry for some medical inconsistencies. The medical practices are just something that I just researched in the internet or watched in snippets of medical dramas. Special thanks to @mel-yjh​ for answering my medical related questions. 

The moment Y/N entered the hospital doors, she immediately tied her hair in a ponytail. Doyoung is waiting for her with a clipboard at hand. "Sorry. I know it's your day off but the patient doesn't want a male surgeon." He said while walking to the elevators. "And all the other female surgeons are unavailable at the moment." 

"What happened? Is she scared of guys?" 

Doyoung nodded. "A trauma in guys. She was sexually assaulted. We didn't know so the head doctor gave her to me." He explained that made her nod. "It's an easy surgery. You'll do well." 

And that's the assurance she needed right now. 

Once the elevator doors opened, a female nurse was running to them. "Doc. Doc. The patient…" Y/N had to look at Doyoung before running to the emergency room. 

The machine was already beeping signaling that her vitals are unstable. The whirring sound of suction can be heard, she's losing a lot of blood already. This is bad. They should have waited before doing a surgery. Doyoung was right, it is a simple surgery at first but the risks now are really bad. She needed to do something. 

She cannot let this patient die in her hands once again. 

Y/N isn't that smart, that was Doyoung. But she listens attentively in class and even does her best to learn about things that aren't taught to them. She thinks that was the attribute that convinced the head doctor to accept her in this hospital. 

She did her best to save the patient. Desperate to not add blood on her hands. "Doc, the vitals are already stable." She breathed hard in relief. 

She's safe. She's fine. You did it, Y/N. She kept saying to herself. The assurance she badly needed right now.

The patient is fine but the frightened feeling didn't leave her. She's so scared that something bad will happen. What if another complication happens? What if the surgery isn't as successful as she thought it was? What if she dies in her hands again? 

A chilling breeze passed her, sending goosebumps along her body. What is this she's feeling right now? When she looked up from the floor, she saw a man standing at the doors of the emergency room. The guy at the coffee shop. Ambulance guy. But wait, no one is allowed to enter this room. 

"What are you doing here? Only medical…"

"You can see me?" There was confusion both in his voice and expression. She nodded at the question. "You can really see me?" He asked once again then glanced at the watch on his wrist. 

His actions were odd. Why does he keep saying that? He's human. Of course, she can see him. "Doc." One of the nurses from the surgery called. "I thought you're leaving." She said that made her nod, staring at the man who was just looking at the two of them. "What are you looking at?" 

She can't see him? 

Y/N shook her head. "I'm leaving. Thank you for today. Great job." 

Is she crazy? She's seeing things that others cannot see? 

"Follow me." The man said. This is bad. She might be really crazy. But why is she even following him? 

Even if they were passing a lot of people, no one seemed to notice him. Whereas, some of them gave her a greeting or a smile. 

Is he really invisible? Is she the only one who can see him? 

And why are they suddenly on the rooftop? All alone? "Can you really see me?" 

"Can you stop asking that question?" She whispered. "What are you? Are you a ghost?" The man shook his head. "Maybe a figment of my imagination? Am I crazy?" 

"You're not." 

"You're scaring me." 

"I'm not here for you." Not here for her? What does he mean? He's here for someone else? Why? "Ahn Minjoo." He mumbled while staring at his watch. "Her pin is gone." 

Ahn Minjoo? Her patient earlier? "She's safe. She finished surgery." 

"You saved her?" Y/N nodded that made the guy sigh. "She's supposed to die." 

What the hell is this guy saying? Anger was bubbling inside her. "There are some complications but she's safe now. She won't die." How dare he say that her patient will die? "Ahjussi, who the hell are you?"

He shook his head. "Nevermind." He whispered then turned his back to her. "There's no soul to claim anyways." A soul to claim? What exactly is this guy? 

She still has a lot of questions. And before he could leave, Y/N held his wrist to stop him. A strong wind blew when their skin touched and she felt her head throbbed that instant. 

Her skin felt warm yet so cold. She could smell the faint scent of blood and hear metals scratching against each other, her vision blurred as a person held her in his arms. "Please save yourself," she whispered as her vision turned black. 

"Y/N," Doyoung called when she opened her eyes. "Are you alright?" She nodded, sitting up from the bed. 

She knew this place, even coming here a lot of times before. But why is she in a hospital room? "What happened?" 

The male doctor felt her forehead with the back of his hand. "You passed out outside the emergency room, Ms. Jang found you." She passed out? Outside the emergency room? "You didn't tell me you're sick. You have a high fever yet you have done surgery. That's amazing Y/N." 

"Is she safe?" 

Doyoung nodded. "She's fine. She's in recovery now."

She nodded. "I'm glad she's fine."

"Take some rest. You can call the nurses if you want anything." She giggled at that, arguing that she's not a patient. "You're not. But I don't want death to come to you, Y/N. So take care of yourself." Doyoung closed the lights and gently closed the door that left her alone. 

She felt a sharp pain in her head as a silhouette of a guy's back flashed on her mind. 

Death. 

In the form of a man. 

Five

Next chapter will be longer, I promise. I’ve only written until chapter six, I think. And so far, the story is becoming really frustrating (I’m so bad in slow burn stories 😣) Feedbacks are highly welcomed. Please do tell me what you think although the story isn’t even progressing well. 😂 

taglist : @readers-posts @ailoveyuta @aiforyuu @ytzvivi @mel-yjh @shiningstar-byulxx @cosmiclatte28 @kyuwoyo​ (please send me a dm, a comment, or an ask if you want to be tagged)