#please somebody hug him

[beanghostprincess]

@lunaticus asked me to explain more about the relationship Sanji has with selflessness and why he thinks about self-sacrifice as a form of love and affection (thanks to Zeff, but that comes later). So I think it deserves its very own post!

So we all know Sanji has this thing for self-sacrifice (seen in Skypiea. Seen in Thriller Bark. Seen in WCI. Seen in Wano. Seen all the damn time because he always does this) and I think his parental figures play a big role in this (I mean Sora and Zeff, not Judge. Fuck you, Judge). Sanji uses self-sacrifice as a form of affection but also because he doesn't see his life as something valuable (now this is Judge's doing. Fuck you, Judge x2). Sanji's love language comes directly from both Sora and Zeff, and tbh I think Reiju too:

The first time he has any sort of connection to kindness and love is his mom. Sora literally sacrifices herself so Judge can't keep modifying her kids. She died for her kids. She died for Sanji. And she kept smiling and taking care of her little angel nevertheless because Sanji was her only joy. She ate stuff that was probably awful just because it made Sanji happy. It made him follow his dream. And he knew the food was bad but his mom ate it anyway, and that only made him want to keep working until his mom had a real, awesome meal. So Sora sacrifices her own life and her taste buds (RIP Sora's sense of taste) to make Sanji happy.

Then Reiju. It's not as obvious as the other two and it's not really self-sacrifice, but she does stay with an abusive family even though she could've tried to run away with Sanji. She saves him. Tells him to find better, kinder people out there. And she stays in hell because she sees herself as part of the family even if she isn't like them. The way Sanji speaks to her in WCI just makes it more obvious that even if she didn't sacrifice herself exactly (she doesn't see it as a sacrifice) she still has the same thinking as Sanji of: I deserve to be here. I belong here. But I'm gonna help Sanji run away because he doesn't deserve this. While Sanji thinks literally the same when it comes to leaving the crew behind.

And then, Zeff, who I think is the most influential one here. He cuts his own fucking leg to protect Sanji. For Sanji, a kid he barely knows, to survive. That obviously changes Sanji's life forever and he starts owing his life to Zeff (not owing, but, you know. He does at first and then it's more like the way a son feels about his dad giving up everything for him. It's just the way dads are, right?). It's the most selfless and self-sacrificing thing Sanji has ever witnessed. And it was to save him.

So of course, after all of this happens, Sanji sees self-sacrifice as a love language. The most important people in his life did this because they loved him. Of course he's gonna protect Usopp and Nami from Enel even if it means dying electrocuted. Of course he's gonna offer himself to feel Luffy's pain instead of letting Zoro do it. Of course he's gonna quit his new family to protect them from his bloodline. Of course he's gonna use the suit that makes him want to throw up to fight for Wano and of course he's gonna take his life so lightly, asking Zoro to kill him if he loses himself.

The main difference between these situations and what Sora/Zeff did, is that Sanji genuinely doesn't care about what happens to him. He doesn't see his own value and he doesn't care about dying as long as he gets to protect others. Because that's just the way love is for him. And we don't only see it in these dramatic moments, but in the way he treats people. In the way he cooks (such a selfless passion, wanting to serve others). And in the way he flirts with women (it looks exhausting, the way he's trying his best all the time to make them feel worshipped).

So, yeah, Sanji is selfless to an unhealthy extent because he sees self-sacrifice as a love language. And it could be, if it wasn't because it's his main way to prove his love. And it could be, if it wasn't because it ends up hurting him every damn time and he doesn't even care. So it ends up being dangerous.

I hope you liked my lil analysis on this! I think I could expand the idea a bit better but this is just the basics about it and Sanji's personality <33

[three-pines]

THREE PINES 1.02 whiteout

requested by freddiefredfive

[sailforvalinor]

Cal Kestis had an ancient dilapidated droid he pretty much just met say one (1) encouraging thing to him and he completely choked up and didn’t know what to do. Guys, he was about to cry. Oh good grief, this poor guy is not doing well

[more-than-a-ghosti]

scrunkly hobo mf appreciation hours part 2

because his faces are just too adorable

he's so fucking scrunkly i could just chew on him

he's somehow even scrunklier now :3

[wayward719]

At this point Jeys heart has been broken by every member of the bloodline😭 Jeys got that loyalty trait heavy🥺

[aleksanderscult]

Favorite Darkling quotes

I'm gonna write my favorite Darkling quotes 'cause a) I'm bored b) I love him and miss him so much.

Anyways I'm not gonna rate them cause every one of them is fucking iconic (as he is).

Let's get into this!

"Blue sky. Once more. Speak my name once more... Don't let me be alone."

These might be my most favorite quotes of his. His last words. 'Cause with his last breath he showed that he was only human after all. Cruel and damaged, yes. But still human.

There is no safe place. There is no haven. Not for us. There will be, he promised in the darkness, new words written upon his heart. I will make one.

I ADORE these lines. Less than 24 hours ago two Grisha tried to kill him (one of them a supposed friend) and what did he tried to do after that? Create a safe space for his kind in order for them not to go through what they went through. If he's the villain for this then I wish we had this kind of villain in our world.

‌"All men can be made fools."

OKAY OKAY LISTEN. I love this line for two reasons. Firstly, cause it's true. Every person can be made a fool. BUT! Secondly and most importantly, he hints to Mal and Alina (Alina actually cause Mal didn't know he was there) that he was made a fool too because of Alina. He fell in love with her and felt hope for the first time after centuries that this new person would be like him, live with him and spend eternities together. He would no longer be alone. And she seemed that she wanted him too as far as he could tell. And then what happened? She run off, found Mal and turned her back on him and their country. That mostly disappointed him, I think. In a large degree. And he must have thought what a fool he was to trust her and fall for her. Hence that amazing line.

Let me make a mark on this world before I leave it.

And boy did he not make it? Years after his death in R&R and people still talk about him. He made a mark not only on the world but on people too (no pun intended for Genya I swear. I love her😭). He made a huge impact and even antis have to admit that. Actually more than the actual protagonist but anyways *coughthe fact that the villain made bigger impact than the heroes in the storycough*

"Fight me as long as you're able. You will find I have far more practice with eternity."

You fucking iconic legend with your fucking iconic lines. And yes, I believe him. No matter how many decades Alina would fight him, he would be unmovable.

‌"It’s harder when you like them. You mourn them more."

That line is so true. The more you care, the more you get hurt. I'm sorry but a quality that people often overlook about the Darkling is his wisdom. I would sit and listen for hours to him talking about life, love, death and people. After so many centuries he's so knowledgeable.

Also, this line makes me wonder how many people he had loved, lost and mourned. Because obviously he talks from experience. *Sigh* I would die to read a book about his whole life before Alina.

He only wished that it wasn't winter. He wanted to turn his face to the sun and feel it warm him. He'd been a long time in the dark.

Yeah he's cruel and manipulative and the villain and blah, blah, blah. But again this line proves his humanity. He loves the sun (how much are you willing to bet people that his favourite season is Summer😏), he loves the sunlight, its warmth and light (another clue that Alina is his soulmate dc what anyone says). Our baby was resurrected and first things first he wanted his wife beside him and the sun to hit his face (priorities people🥹😍).

"Then I'd be alone too."

(*whispering*don't cry, don't cry, don't cry)

So. Heh. I may have a soft spot for fictional characters that suffer from loneliness. Probably because I have suffered from it too most of my life (🫠). I'm sorry but you can hate him all you want alright? No one can stop you. But people that don't feel an ounce of sympathy or pity for him and what he has gone through are just useless to talk to. Most of all he wants someone to make him company to this endless sea of eternity.

Deep blue like the True Sea. Red like the roofs of the Shu temples. The pure, buttery color of sunlight—not really yellow or gold, what would you call it? All the colors you couldn't see in the dark.

(fuck. lost control of my tears after all)

Baby shadow summoner can control the dark and its blackness and yet he loves all colors that are bright. But most of all the sunlight.

(DARKLINA STANS RISE)

Also, he made the Grisha keftas blue, red and purple because he loved these colors the most, change my mind *sip tea*

‌"Fine. Make me your villain."

Ah, yes. The cult classic one. Honestly, this line makes me feel bad for him. Cause he has tried the peaceful solution so many times (not with just Alina but generally). At this point he's like: "Fuck it. If I have to become a monster then so be it." They leave him no choice and furthermore he's obviously grown tired of trying diplomacy.

"I’ll be certain you hear it when I make her scream."

I froze the first time I read this line but now I laugh every time I do. Here he shows how petty he can be and how much shame he doesn't have (in your face Mal😚).

‌"My Alina. You cannot run from me."

OKAY LISTEN

I know it sounds creepy but "my Alina" and "I'll always find you" MY DARKLINA HEART GUYS

‌"I know what you thought, what you always thought of me. It's so much easier that way, isn't it?"

My strategic baby. But this line is also sad. Cause he knows how Alina views him and, even if he hides it well, deep down I bet it hurts him.

‌"You two have a bad habit of acting like fools and calling it heroic."

Isn't that the truth tho? Our boy spitting facts once again. Also this line can be applied to other characters from different fandoms as well.

‌"I seem to be a victim of my own wishes where you are concerned."

TRANSLATION: I TEND TO FORGET ABOUT THE WORLD-DOMINATION PLAN CAUSE I WANT TO BE WITH YOU, LIVE WITH YOU, LOVE YOU, MARRY YOU, HAVE 7 KIDS WITH YOU AND DRINK SOME TEA ON THE PORCH TOGETHER WHILE THE SUNLIGHT HITS US

TRANSLATION NO2: I GOT MY ASS KICKED CAUSE I WAS TOO BUSY THINKING THAT I WAS KISSING YOU AND WOULD FINALLY HAVE THAT WEDDING THAT I WAS PLANNING BABE

Is this line a kind of love confession or what? 🥺🙃

‌"We all have our secrets."

Mostly I love this line cause it just sounds cool. But after I read the book for a second time I realized that it could tie with the "Demon in the Woods" book. It's a nice little nod. If you get it, you get it😉.

‌Why did you go to her? Because with her he was human again.

A nice (though bittersweet) little way to end this post. 🥹

With Alina he felt human again. That part that was buried deep beneath him and rarely if not ever got out. Do you remember how she made him laugh with her honest remarks on "Shadow and Bone"? How his eyes closed and his breath stopped when she reached to stroke his cheek on R&R? How he broadly smiled when she laughed about how common his name was? That was Aleksander Morozova (especially that last part). The boy that grew up forcefully and was thrown to a cruel world too soon, too violently. They were these 400+ years that made him cruel. It was eternity that broke him. Loneliness and pain that made him withdraw. Until Alina came. And she could bring to the surface that buried, broken boy. And it felt good to him (although inconvenient too). She made him feel vulnerable. And when he was resurrected he seeked her out to feel that way again. Human.

*sigh*

Thanks for coming to my ted talk guys. 😔✌️

Feel free to write in the comments your own favorite quotes of him 😊❤️

[dr-gear]

[sdeprived]

Man... that 1st person pov of 49!kdj is NOT for the weak

- Sleep🌵

[gorytron]

sorry for dropping off of the face of the earth again!! all of my autism concentrated into one point in my cerebellum and it made me watch 5 seasons of south park in 3 days

[ala-baguette]

Just finished reading Knowing Where to Look, what a beautiful piece of fiction!! Congrats on finally finishing it, you must feel very accomplished :)

... and if you ever feel inspired to write a whole fic about Ben Harrows, the love of my life, nobody will try to stop you 😂

There is no surer form of flattery than someone telling me they love one of my OCs even one tiny iota as much as they love the canon characters. Thank you! While a whole fic about Ben Harrows is unlikely (tempting, but that would be a rather niche target audience), I have no doubt Ben will have a few cameos in future fics here and there. I love him too much to say a true goodbye to Ben. However...while not exactly a fic, what I can offer you now is an excerpt from my initial outline (circa 2009) containing the character analysis and (rather depressing) backstory I wrote for Ben. Definite KwtL spoilers, so if you have not read it, proceed at your own risk!

Ben, at first glance appears to be a highly open, out-going, fun-loving sort of individual who says what he thinks.  He is all goofy smiles and wit and charm and is loved by everyone who meets him.  The truth of the matter is, however, in certain areas, Ben is quite the reverse from what people think.  Early on, he discovered subconsciously or otherwise, that if he was loquacious and friendly, those around him received the impression that he had told them everything, and thus they did not bother to look deeper.  If he talked about the insignificant enough, they forgot to ask about the significant.  There are certain aspects of his life which he discusses with no one.  He is, in reality, extremely private when it comes to these things. This is a product of his upbringing and, of course, past trauma.

Ben, born ‘Brian O’Harrow’, was born in Belfast in 1972.  He is, in the technical definition of the word, Muggle-born, however, he was never ignorant of magic. 

Ben’s mother, Fiona, was the younger sister of a Muggle-born wizard, Eamon O’Callaghan.  Growing up, Fiona and Eamon were very close and Eamon was very protective of his little sister.  Fiona, therefore, heard all about the magical world and everything that happened at Hogwarts whenever her brother came home for the holidays. 

Fiona left her family home in Cork to attend university in Belfast when she was eighteen.  There she met Kevin O’Harrow.  They fell in love, married, and settled down together in Belfast and had Ben a few years later.  This was, unfortunately, just as the Troubles were gearing up.  Kevin was young, idealistic, and nationalistic—he was eager to be in the thick of things at this time, but Fiona was much more reticent and worried about her small family’s safety.  As the violence escaladed, she frequently suggested they move back to Cork, but Kevin was insistent they stay. 

Ben began displaying signs of magic at a young age, and Fiona immediately recognised it for what it was.  At Fiona’s urging, Eamon, who had no partner or children of his own, came to settle down in Belfast to be near his sister and to support Ben.  Fiona promoted a strong connection between her son and her brother; knowing Ben would eventually enter the wizarding world, she wanted him to have someone to go to with any problems that she knew she and Kevin would be ill equipped to help him with.

Meanwhile, the first war against Voldemort was underway.  Eamon, as a Muggle-born now had a target on his back.  He was very idealistic and considered himself to have less to lose than most; he took it upon himself to do everything in his power to waylay the Death Eaters, working largely independently, loath to put anyone else at risk.  Even so, Fiona found herself trapped between two very separate wars without really being a part of either.  She lived in constant fear for her family and especially Ben who straddled these two worlds, both of which were full of danger for him.

Heedless of his sister’s warning, Eamon continued his quiet rebellion.  When Ben was six years old, Eamon snuck into a Death Eater gathering place and stole some parchments detailing meeting times, locations, and certain members.  As he made his escape, however, he was seen and recognised by someone with whom he had gone to Hogwarts. 

The Death Eaters had recently acquired a new recruit, a young boy, only seventeen years old. They decided that it would be a good and relatively simple test to send the boy to kill Eamon and retrieve these documents.  Eamon, however, was not at home when the young Death Eater broke into his flat—something the Death Eater was quite relieved about, though he wouldn’t have admitted it.  He set about ransacking the place, searching everywhere he could think of for the papers, secretly hoping that he could find them quickly and return them to his colleagues before Eamon came home and that maybe they would forget about the whole killing part of the assignment.

Fiona, who had been passing nearby Eamon’s flat at the time with her son in tow, decided to stop in and say hello to her brother and see if he might be available to watch Ben while she did some shopping as a six-year-old really does slow down the process.  After going up the stairs to Eamon’s flat and letting herself in, she followed the sounds of rummaging coming from her brother’s study.  When the door opened, the young Death Eater, on high nerves, whipped around and let loose a Killing Curse without even looking to see who it was. 

When he saw what he had done, the young Death Eater was horrified.  He stood there and stared at the young woman he had just murdered in cold blood and her six-year-old son who was kneeling on the floor looking confused and in shock, still holding her hand.  It was the first person Regulus Black had ever killed and it was the first in a line of occurrences that would eventually turn him to give his life to destroy a horcrux.  Regulus ran from the house, determined to tell the Death Eaters that the parchment wasn’t in there.  Eamon later came home to find his sister dead on the floor and Ben still beside her, still holding her hand.

Kevin O’Harrow did his best to raise his son after that.  He loved Ben very much, but he was well beyond depressed after the death of his wife.  He was detached and no longer seemed to be able to muster the energy to show his son how much he cared, something he knew Ben needed to see.  After a few months, Kevin realised he couldn’t give his son what he needed, and he sent Ben to live with his Uncle Eamon.  Kevin, in turn, channelled his anger deeper into the Northern Ireland conflict, diving into the fight for his country’s independence.   

Eamon was also crushed by the death of the sister he had loved so much, most in particular because he was convinced it was his fault.  He took his responsibilities toward Ben very seriously, however.  He was determined to raise and love him like a son and to do everything in his power to make it up to his sister.  He immediately cut off his risky, anti-Death Eater life style, but quickly realised it was too late; he had already made a name for himself as being outspoken against Voldemort.  War ranging on both sides, he decided to take Ben away and go into hiding.  Eamon tried to convince Kevin to go with them, but Kevin insisted that “Ireland was the only thing left in my life that’s worth fighting for.”  These words Ben would carry with him for the rest of his life.

Eamon took Ben to England where a friend from school had offered him a safehouse.  Fearful of public perception of the Irish, he anglicized Ben’s name and taught him to speak with an English accent.  Eamon cared and loved Ben like his own son and did everything in his power to ensure he had a safe and happy childhood going forward.  Knowing the risks to Muggle-borns, Eamon even had forged documents drawn up to claim Ben was his biological son.  It was these documents that would later save Ben in the second war when the Death Eaters started their purge at the Ministry.

A year after going into hiding, Voldemort was defeated by the Boy Who Lived and the political climate began to calm, at least in the wizarding world, if not so much in the Muggle one.  Eamon and Ben emerged from hiding to discover that Kevin O’Harrow had died a few months previous in a car bomb explosion.  Reports from those who knew him suggested that he had been intentionally putting himself in danger for quite some time.

The years passed and Eamon did as he had promised and raised Ben as a son, supporting him through his years at Hogwarts and later through his Auror training.  A year and a half after Ben qualified as an Auror, Eamon O’Callaghan passed away unexpectedly from a heart attack.  Ben mourned him like he would a father, but was grateful that he had lived long enough to see what Ben had become.

At the time of this story, Ben is now twenty-six years old, only having qualified to be an Auror five years previous, not long before Tonks.  He has no political aspirations and is included in the initial meetings at Grimmauld Place merely as a body guard. He was chosen because Kingsley has worked with him in the past, trusts him, and quite simply, likes him. 

Since qualifying, Ben has been discretely using his connections as an Auror to discover the identity of the Death Eater who was responsible for the death of his mother.  The trauma-clouded memories of a six-year old boy, however, did not prove enough, and he never found out anything more about it.  Until the evening in the Black family home when he stumbled upon an old photograph of Regulus Black.  I want you to understand the turmoil in his mind at learning that the man he had spent the past twenty years hating had, in fact, reformed and given his life to help defeat Voldemort. 

Early on, I had a lot of questions about why he (and other characters) stayed at the Ministry even after it fell, and to that I will say this: While very idealistic, he is also practical.  Eamon was careful to teach him this, learning from his own mistakes. Ben is as influenced by his trauma in the first war as Gawain is, though in a different way.  Moreover, with Eamon gone, Ben has no family and, while many friends, none who would risk their lives for him if he were to get on the wrong side of the Death Eaters. That is not to say he didn’t find his own ways to fight back.  Remember Yaxley’s raining office in “Magic is Might” DH?  That was all him.

And, as a bonus, here's an AI generated image that very roughly looks like the Ben in my head, for those interested. Very roughly... this bloke is a little too classically handsome for my liking, but AI can only seem to manage handsome or deranged and nothing in between.

[klein-sodor-bahn]

Sad Gordon doodle

Poor big blue. Not only did his best friend go away, but then his found family had to split up as the railway closed down. Viktoria listens and offers words of comfort and a bit of silent company.

The 01s were the DRGs and later DR/DBs premier express engines. Viktoria ended up with the DR and got a massive rework. She has a lot of empathy for her fellow pacific.

[sad-emo-dip-dye]

When Dazai gets out of prison I need atsushi to run and jump to hug him like he did kunikida

[tending-the-hearth]

*pats bumblebee's hood so very very gently* this best boy can fit so much character death in him

[ibeewashere]

I would like. to pretty please have a chat. just a little silly little talk with whoever thought of everlight Brad so that I can just give them a quick little kiss. just a quick little smooch on the forehead. yk??

[ryker-writes]

The Journal

Jaxon Crowley's masterlist

"You are isolated like I am, but you intentionally push others away. And then you wander around in despair all during the night. Do you never notice this cycle?"

Jaxon hated Malleus and how right he was. He knew it was true. All he ever does is shove other people away from him. No one has ever given him a reason not to...but it's been a long time since he's even given anyone a chance.

The delinquent son of the headmage; that's what he's always been. Some people believed getting close to him would give them bonus points in Crowley's book. They thought they'd be able to get away with more if they were with him. Others believed that if they were his friend, no one would mess with them. They would use that friend status to do anything they wanted and thought Jaxon would protect them when trouble came.

All those years, all those people, and not a single one actually cared about him. Eventually, he gave up on the hope that anyone would ever care about him. No one would ever actually care about him, that's what Jaxon fully believed.

Even his own father didn't seem to care much about him. Then again, did he ever? Crowley had given up on him long ago. Time and time again, Jaxon had managed to prove that he was nothing but trouble. He had managed to prove that he wasn't worth the effort, and a lost cause.

But...then why was he saved?

When he overblotted Leona, Kalim, and even that Heastslabyul student were there to save him. Leona cared, but he's never even opened up to Leona about anything. And what reason did the other two even have to care about him? He just couldn't figure it out.

This was way too much for his tired brain to try and figure out. While the collar around his neck was gone, Leona was dead set on making sure Jaxon didn't use his magic on himself to keep him awake. Now he wandered the campus constantly tired and on the verge of falling asleep. He was out for his walk before trying to sleep when he ran into Malleus.

Savanaclaw was much quieter at night. Even on the way to his room, everything was calm and still. It was nice, but he didn't want to be left alone with his thoughts.

Unfortunately for him, the universe loves to throw things at him right when he doesn't want them. This time, it came in the form of a book sitting on the ground by his door. Ordinarily, he would've ignored it. But scrawled in messy handwriting across a paper on the top of it was his name.

Against his better judgement, he picked it up and took a look on the inside of the cover. Upon seeing who it belonged too, he rushed inside his room to read it. It was a name he hasn't seen or heard of in a long time.

'This journal belongs to: Sydney Crowley'

It's his mother's name. This was her journal. Jaxon could only guess that his father dropped this off, but he didn't really care about why right now. All he had to remember his mother by was his memories of her, but this was something physical. This belonged to her.

As soon as he got into his room, he took a seat on his bed and opened it up to start reading.

'It's been a while since I've written in a journal. My old one was even too full to continue writing in, so here I am with a completely new one. I suppose this is symbolism in a way. After all, this is a new chapter of my life so it's only fitting it fills a new book.

Our darling son was born a few weeks ago! It's quite exciting and everything went well in the hospital. Jaxon was born on January 26th at approximately 10:57 at night. Dire was freaking out the entire time. But he was super excited to meet Jaxon.

He wanted to hold Jaxon as soon as he came out, but the nurses let me see him first of course. I wish I could've got a photo of Dire's face when he held Jaxon for the first time. He looked so happy and he even started crying.

Jaxon already looks so much like his father. He's got those golden eyes and pale skin, and he even has the same face shape. The only things he seemed to get from me is the blue hair and round ears. Even as a baby he's already acting like his father; all dramatic and very clingy.

The other day he started crying just because Dire set him down. It was only for a second but Jaxon was so upset and Dire immediately picked him up again. Jaxon just loves his father so much already, it's rare to see them separated anymore. Jaxon doesn't even cry when I set him down.

I can't be upset though. Dire loves Jaxon so much and he's wanted a child of his own for so long that it's only natural they're so attached to each other. It's adorable to see them together all the time.'

Jaxon huffed after reading that passage. The idea that him and his father were close at one point was so foreign and strange to him. And to think that his father wanted a kid...boy he must've been pretty disappointed at what Jaxon turned out to be. Jaxon flipped the page and continued reading without another thought.

'I know it's been a while since I last wrote, but such is the life of a new mother. Things have become more busy since Jaxon was born. Between taking care of him and helping Dire with some things at NRC, I've been quite busy. I'll also admit that I forgot about writing here for a while.

Jaxon turned 2 years old today. He's learned some of his basic needs and even said his first word not too long ago. While he doesn't speak or use his voice often, he's quite adorable when he does.

I have a video on my phone of Dire putting Jaxon down only for Jaxon to start making grabby hands at him and want up. It was so adorable and then Jaxon was babbling before he said dada. Dire heard it of course and immediately picked him up again and started spinning the boy around. I watch that video again from time to time to see the moment and hear their laughter when I'm down.

He's also able to walk around now, and he loves to hold people's hands while walking. Sometimes we all take walks around NRC and show Jaxon around. The ghosts all love him too. Dire keeps showing Jaxon off every chance he gets saying "look how cute my son is!" and everyone goes along with it. Jaxon always has the biggest smile on his face too.

But I'll admit, I do miss all the time me and Dire had for ourselves. He spends a lot of time with Jaxon and I can understand that. But it's always either Jaxon or NRC that's occupying his time. I wish we could still go on dates or even just spending time alone at home. Is that selfish of me?'

Jaxon couldn't believe it. His father spending a lot of time with him? It didn't sound real. And to ignore his mother in the process, how awful of him. As if his father couldn't get worse in his mind. Jaxon huffed before skipping ahead a few pages.

'I didn't think I would enjoy being home on my own so much. Jaxon started kindergarten so he's been occupied there and Dire has been at NRC. Thanks to this, I've been getting more time to myself.

I've been loving my time alone a lot more than I originally thought I would. Jaxon isn't here to ask me a million things and I don't have to deal with Dire's antics. I feel bad for enjoying this alone time as much as I do. They're my family and I'm supposed to love spending time with them. But now I dread them coming home. What is wrong with me?

Even when they get home I find myself interacting with them differently. Dire has been trying to get Jaxon to complete homework as best he can. While Jaxon seems to have a harder time learning and understanding it, Dire keeps pushing that he understand it.

He's told me before that he dreams of Jaxon having a bright future. He wants him to be an ace student and do great academically, which I can understand, but he seems to get frustrated with how long it can take Jaxon to understand things. Jaxon even cried once, and Dire stopped his pushing immediately. He comforted Jaxon, and I think Jaxon learned that it was a way to stop pushing. Now whenever Jaxon gets frustrated with his schoolwork, he starts crying. I think Dire is getting tired of comforting him though, so I've stepped in from time to time so he would stop crying.

It only happens a few days a week, so I guess it's not too bad. Still, it's my job to step in when Jaxon gets too much for Dire to handle. Though I can't help but sigh in relief when Jaxon finally understands something. At least then I can enjoy the moment of peach and excitement that they both show.'

His mom...liked it better when he was gone? This passage didn't sound like his mom at all. He always knew her as a gentle and loving person who was always there for him. He spent more time with her than he did with his dad, but this is saying that she got tired of him and liked when he was away. The part about his father pushing him and getting frustrated was familiar to Jaxon, as well as his mother being the one to step in. Maybe he was just frustrating more as a little kid and she wanted to be around him more as he grew. With that though, he flipped ahead a few more pages.

'Jaxon has been spending more time with me lately. Since Dire keeps getting to tired to comfort him after getting frustrated with school, I think Jaxon isn't wanting to be around him as much. The schoolwork is most of the time he spends with Dire, so he must think his father is always frustrated with him.

He's still struggling quite a bit in school. Thankfully elementary isn't nearly as serious as high school or college, so grades don't quite matter for him yet. I do worry for how he'll do in the future especially since Dire has been so serious about him passing every class with amazing grades.

The other day the two even got into an argument. It was the first time I've ever heard Jaxon even yell at his father. Dire was shocked too, but insisted he was in the right and continued arguing. It ended with Jaxon running away in tears and I couldn't help but feel guilty for not stepping in. But what am I to do? Dire just wants him to be successful, but Jaxon is struggling.

At this rate, I'm not sure if Jaxon will ever be ready to take over at NRC. I know Jaxon really likes the school and he basically grew up there, but with the way things are going with Dire, I'm a bit worried. I've tried telling Dire about it, but he's very stubborn in his ways. Maybe things will get better with time. Maybe Jaxon will come to understand why Dire pushes him so hard.'

He doesn't even remember his first fight with his father, but here it was described. All the way back in elementary...it seems like such a long time ago. He's just been arguing with Crowley so long that it's natural to him now. He always knew his mom didn't know how to help though. Whenever they argued, she would stand on the side silently. If only Jaxon could go back and tell her that time wouldn't make things better at all. Jaxon sighed before flipping ahead again.

'I don't know what to do anymore. All they do is avoid each other and fight all the time. Dire wants Jaxon to be a supper smart straight A student who will eventually take over at NRC and be like him. Jaxon just wants to do his own thing and not have someone constantly pushing him to do better. It's gotten to the point where it just seems like Dire is disappointed in him all the time. I know he's not, he tells me so, but it's getting harder to tell if that's the truth.

I've tried talking to both of them, but Crowley won't give up on his dream for Jaxon, and Jaxon firmly believes his dad hates him and considers him a failure. I'm caught in the middle of two people who can't even get along for a little bit. All they do is push each others buttons. It's like even mentioning one to the other will cause immediate anger and defensiveness. This isn't how a family is supposed to be.

Others have told me that Jaxon is just in his rebellious phase since he's almost a teenager. But this has been going on since he was young, and if this is a rebellious phase, it started early and has been going on far longer than I would think.

I'm so lost and don't know what to do. How do I fix this? I know Dire loves his son and wants what's best for him but Jaxon can't see that. They're both going about it so wrong and I can't even get them in the same room together for five seconds without something happening. Can this family even be helped anymore?

I want to help them. I want them to get along, but I don't know how. Jaxon isn't even trying in school anymore. We send him there only for him to lash out at others and he even got into a fight with one student. I don't want him to feel like I'm disappointed in him, but I really wish he wouldn't fight. I'm just about the only one he gets along with anymore, so I can't be upset with him too.

I just feel so torn all the time. It's like I can't relax and there's constant strain. I hate feeling like this, but there isn't much I can do. I look at Dire now and it's hard to see the same man who would always be there whenever baby Jaxon needed anything. What happened to us?'

Before the pages had a small hint of happiness from his mom, but not this one. The writing feels so desperate and sad. His loving and happy mother, it was hard to imagine her so sad. Even the thought of her crying seemed to hurt Jaxon. At this point he didn't even know if he should blame his father or himself.

He flipped ahead again a few pages, only to find them blank. There was over half a notebook left but the pages were blank? That didn't make sense. Maybe she left before she could write those pages. Carefully, Jaxon flipped backwards to the last page with writing on it.

'This is going to be my last entry into this journal. I just can't take it here anymore. I can't live in this house like this anymore. This constant fighting, constant strain, it's too much.

I've already talked to Dire about it. He was upset of course, but could understand that we were no longer in love like we used to be. We weren't the same. I offered to take Jaxon with me, but he refused. I was quite surprised, but it was...kind of nice hearing that. Dire was more stubborn than ever saying that "You will not be taking my son from me. Do what you want wherever you go, but I'm not going to leave him."

It was like proof to me that Dire still cared about Jaxon. He wanted Jaxon to stay there with him. And to be honest, I'm happy about that. I think I may have become a mother sooner than I was ready. Having a child was something Dire wanted so badly, and I knew I could fulfill that. Yet here I am, wanting to get away from my own family.

I asked Dire to give this notebook to Jaxon someday so he can understand why I left. So assuming he did, I want to say hello to you my dear son.

I'm so sorry about everything. You must be so confused. I can't bring myself to face you before I leave. I'm a bit cowardly that way I know, but I don't even know how I would begin to explain everything to you.

The truth is that I'm selfish. If you've read any other parts of this journal, you could probably tell that I wasn't very happy with everything. I tried to hold on as long as I could, but it all got too much.

Than I went to the doctor, and found out that I'm sick. I don't have much time left either. As much as it pains me, I believe I should spend the time I have left in a way that makes me happy. I don't want to spend my last years alive in sadness and struggling to put a family back together.

I know I failed you as a mother. I can't apologize enough for that. I should've done something to help you and Dire. I should've stepped in, and should've tried to help sooner. I'm sorry for failing you.

But you should know that none of this is your fault. I may be leaving so I can be somewhere happy, but it's not because of you at all. Ever since the day you came into this world, I've loved you. I know you're capable of amazing things and I want you to be able to become whatever kind of person you want to be. It doesn't matter if it's the new headmage of NRC or even a househusband. As long as you're happy, that's all that matters.

I hope you can forgive me for leaving you like this. I know it's cowardly and selfish, and I'm sorry. I also hope that you and your dad will be able to get along soon. It's a bit naïve, but maybe me leaving can bring you two closer. He does care about you, even if it may not seem like it, and so do I.

There are so many things I wish I could've changed, but life had other plans. I hope that someday you can look at this journal and understand or at least look back on happier times in the earlier pages. I love you Jaxon.

-Sydney Crowley'

And just like that, everything Jaxon had believed and known had been flipped upside down. He'd be lying if he said it was easy to process.

His mother wrote this before leaving. That was over four years ago. By now there's a good chance whatever sickness she had took it's toll. He wanted to find her. He wanted to search for her and stay with her after Night Raven College...but she's gone. It's likely already too late. She's gone for good.

Jaxon couldn't control it. Quick tears had run down his face before falling down into his lap. Usually he would do anything he could to avoid crying, but right now, he didn't give a damn. And the tears rolled quickly, so there was no stopping them if he tried. He couldn't even control how his breathing started to get shaky and he wanted to just curl into himself. The scary and tough delinquent and son of the headmage was here, sobbing alone in his room.

He basically just found out that the only person he felt understood him and could accept him, was gone with no hope of ever coming back. He would never see her again, and all she knew before she died was the son who was rebellious and angry all the time. She knew the constant fighting between him and his father, and she wasn't happy with it. It wasn't just Crowley's fault, it was his too. Both of them were to blame for her leaving and being so unhappy. Sure, she said not to blame himself, but how could he not?

Why couldn't he just do what his dad wanted? Why couldn't he just listen? Why couldn't he get along with his dad? Why couldn't he be smart and understand things like everyone else? Why did he have to be so...so...gah! He can't even think of the word. He may as well be the stupidest guy in the school. He's just the violent delinquent that can't do anything right.

"No wonder your mom left you. No one would want a delinquent like you."

He hated that kid. He hates that condescending tone he spoke with. He hates how that kid was sort of right.

Suddenly his room felt suffocating to be in. He had to get out. He had to walk around. It felt like he was trapped in here with his thoughts and he hated it.

Jaxon frantically wiped his tears away before shoving the journal under his bed and walking out the door. He definitely won't be sleeping tonight.

[keepthyfaithandthylight]

A: “sorry I made fun of you and your silly girlfriend,”

P: “it’s okay, I will probably get rejected anyway,”

AKA I watched The Adventures of Buratino and found more favorite characters to latch onto.

Piéro was going through it that entire film and Arlequin was simply, well….