#please rb & comment! it means the absolute world

[fanficcrow]

Catch Me

tasm peter x reader

Ok so, this one isssss technicalllyyyy dual pov, but there’s a lot more of your pov.

a/n: I found a prompt generator :3 As always, no use of y/n! also basically co-written by @petalpaw4 bc of the amount of ideas they’ve given me 💀

Warnings: Nothing really, just fluff! maybe light weirdo!peter bc he pretends he’s never met the reader before :3

please rb and comment if you like the story! your words are what help me write <3

Your POV

It all started at the gas station near your apartment.

You just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. You swear this stuff always happens to you, it’s like you’re a bad luck charm.

The thief’s angry yells jar you out of your state of self reflection. “I swear to god you old hag, if you don’t give me all the money in the register, I'm gonna shoot this bitch!” Suddenly he swings his gun, and now you’re staring right down the barrel.

Your heart stops, more than anything hoping for a hero to show up and save you. Is this really how I��m going to die? You think. That’s really shitty. You had just started college, haven’t even had a chance to really see the world, and now it’s all over? Fuck, this blows.

The woman at the register nearly trips over herself in her rush to get the money out of the register when suddenly, the bell on the door jingles. The thief whips his head around to see who’s there, but before he can even blink his gun shoots out of his hand.

“Woah dude, you gotta be more careful with things like this!” He said, gently tossing the gun up as he shot a web at it, sticking it to the wall. The man’s grip on you slackens, and you shove off of him before stumbling straight into Spider-man.

He catches you deftly with one arm, sending your heart racing. “Did no one ever teach you how to treat a girl? His eyes momentarily darken and you feel a shiver go through you. Apparently some things can make the notorious comedians get serious.

He glances over at you before letting go of your waist. “I’ll take care of this guy for you.” He winks…. or as close as he can get to with that mask on, which doesn’t really have the same effect.

Spider-man had the man wrapped in webs and hanging from the ceiling in a matter of moments. Really, the robber couldn’t have put up less of a fight. It’s like he gave up as soon as spiderman started walking towards him.

“I hope you don’t mind hanging out.” Spider-man said brightly with a small giggle. “Get it, get it; cause I-“ He cut off, noticing the thief’s heated glare.

He sucks in a breath. “Geez, tough crowd, huh.” He says before turning to you.

It was like fireworks. As soon as he locked eyes with you, you were sure you were in love.

“Are you alright?” He asked.

“I- uhm, I ah.” You fumble. Shit, why aren’t words coming out???! You clear your throat. “Yep, I’m just dandy!” You wince at the crack in your voice.

Spider-man laughs again and you cover your face, burning with shame.

“Well, I’m glad you’re alright, I hate seeing pretty girls cry.” He winks at you…. again.

Pretty???? Spider-man thinks I’m pretty????? You’re absolutely sure you’re about to implode when you hear him clear his throat.

“Well, I, um- I have to go! Lots of world-saving to do, friendly neighborhood Spider-Man stuff- you know how it is.” He gives you a quick smile and runs out the door, swinging away before you can even choke out a reply.

Peter’s POV

His heart beats wildly as he swings off into the night. Who would’ve thought that he’d run into her while he was out superheroing?? Just his luck that he would look good in front of the cute barista while he was in a mask. He groans. Just great.

——1 week later——

Your POV

The campus map rustles in your hands as you smooth out the creases. Ever since that run in at the gas station you’ve been more jittery, moving to a new city is stressful enough without running into danger.

Although….. danger might mean seeing him again. You think back on the robbery and how quickly Spider-Man handled the situation. It’s odd, but as soon as spider-man showed up you weren’t scared. Almost like he radiated a calming energy that affected all the people around him.

You put a pause on your daydreaming and actually try to find the class you’re supposed to get to. It’s the first day of college and you only have 2 lectures to get to, but it’s gonna take you a while to find them…

As you walk the map obscures most of your vision, so you don’t notice the boy walking down the sidewalk towards you.

Peter’s POV

Peter walks with his head down, loud music blasting in his ears. Like most of his free time, currently his head is full of plans to ask the cute barista out. He’s thinking through the ending of another fantastical plan when suddenly a girl runs into him, dropping her map.

It flutters away on a chill autumn gust and the girl curses loudly. He turns back to her, apologizing profusely, when he realizes the girl he’s been fantasizing about is standing right in front of him.

“I- I am so sorry…. oh my god..” He curses quietly to himself. “Is there any way I can pay you back?”

She looks at him, and he can’t explain it, but it seems like something briefly flickers along her expression. “It’s fine, the map wasn’t much help anyways.” She chuckles self-deprecatingly and his heart twists. “But…..” She looks up at him. “If you could show me where to find Anthropology 101 I wouldn’t mind.” She tucks a loose strand of hair behind her ear.

Peter’s heart leaps. “I have that class!!” He says excitedly. “I could walk you there, since we’re going the same direction anyways.” He looks on eagerly waiting for her response.

Your POV

Your irritation fades as the boy talks, stumbling through his words. He’s so nervous it’s almost funny. “Yeah, sure.” You say. His eyes light up as you nod. “Lead the way!” You gesture vaguely around. “Otherwise we’ll be walking in circles all day.” You chuckle self-deprecatingly.

He nods and starts walking, but before he turns he calls out. “Oh, I’m Peter by the way.”

[zukkaart]

I have an ideeaaaa

So I’m gonna make an Ao3 series each based on a Stick Season song, BUT to make sure they’re not just the same thing over and over, each one is going to have a different main plot device. AND I’m gonna let the people pick the ship!

So first come first served. Lmk what AtLA ship you want to see for what song! See below for songs and plots (links to the lyrics are provided)

Northern Attitude: four nations, four languages

Stick Season: I’ve been hiking all day and I’m absolutely NOT lost but uhhh could I maybe stay at your campsite?

All my love: PLEASE pretend to be my bf/gf this weirdo won’t leave me alone

She Calls Me Back: Soulmates have matching tattoos

Come Over: no I mean it you can’t come over my family is insane

New Perspective: A is deaf, B is CODA

Everywhere, Everything: Flower shop owner / tattoo artist

Orange Juice: I was dragged to this party and I hate everyone here

Strawberry Wine: first date

Growing Sideways: A is burning the candle at both ends, B has to talk them off the ledge of a mental breakdown

Halloween: haunting/being haunted

Homesick: what it says on the tin, A is homesick

Still: The first words your soulmate says to you are tattooed on your body

The View Between Villages: adult A gets snapped back into their S1 self via spirit world shenanigans

Your Needs, My Needs: love at first sight

Dial Drunk: A gets arrested, B has to bail them out

Paul Revere: I just moved to a new town, my apartment fell through. Help?

No Complaints: Amnesia

Call Your Mom: my family is more screwed up than yours, prove me wrong

You’re Gonna Go Far: At exactly midnight on new years following your 16th birthday, you get 5 minutes in your soulmates body

Please rb/comment so i can get as many ships as possible! Thank you!

[transsexualcoriolanus]

I want to read more Shakespeare and would appreciate your recommendations! I especially love tragedies and also when there's Gay Things/gender fuckery. So far I have read 3 plays, all for school: Romeo & Juliet (I thought it was fun, interpreting it from a humorous lens rather than a tragic one), A Midsummer Night's Dream (found this one boring), and Hamlet (LOOOOVE, I'm so obsessed, Hamlet made me insane)

oooh okay - i'm not sure how many recommendations you want but these are the main ones i think you'd probably like based on that criteria -

Richard II - this is probably the main one i'd recommend, because if you love hamlet you will almost certainly love richard ii. it's tragic, it's gay, the protagonist is a absolute wet cat of a man with great monologues. as it's a history, researching the real richard ii can be fun to compare the two, but that's not at all necessary to enjoy it. here's a production of it that i haven't actually seen yet, but tumblr is obsessed with, with david tennant as richard

Coriolanus - i mean. i couldn't not recommend coriolanus. it's one of the less popular tragedies and i can see why, but trust me it's amazing. it's really interesting about gender, masculinity and performance, and it's also one of the gayest things shakespeare ever wrote. like richard ii, it's about a guy whose identity completely revolves around a role he was forced into from birth, and the consequences of that, which is really interesting and makes the two plays interesting to compare. there are five good filmed productions of coriolanus in my pinned post

Macbeth - i'm recommending this one mainly for the gender fuckery angle - it presents gender in a really interesting way, especially through lady macbeth. it's also just a great play, and surprisingly very funny. here's a really good production of it with christopher eccleston as macbeth

Twelfth Night - this is known as The gay gender fuckery play for a reason. a shipwrecked woman disguises herself as a man, falls in love with her boss, who is in love with another woman, who falls in love with the protaginist thinking she is a man, with hilarious consequences. meanwhile the protagonist's brother gets up to some gay shit in the background. here's a production of it

As You Like It - similar to twelfth night, less popular but in my opinion better. another "woman disguises herself as a man and gets up to awkward romantic shenanigans" play. has the "all the world's a stage" speech. both this and twelfth night have huge potential for queer/trans interpretations, and i saw a production of this at the globe last year that went hard with that interpretation. i don't actually know any recorded productions of this, so if anyone has any that they'd recommend please rb/comment them

i hope this was helpful!

[lowlights]

I think you are very very kind and sweet and warm. Your page is one of my go-to comfort tumblrs. We’re not mutuals or anything, I’m just a loyal follower 💛, but sometimes I’ll reblog a piece of your lovely lovely writing with a tiny comment and you’ll re-reblog with a response and it makes my day 🥰

You have the best vibes and your presence on here is so warming ☺️🥰💜

Hi love <3 This was the nicest thing?? Ever?? I am glad that I RB'd your support, and please know that I'm very bad at it bc a lot of times I lack the spoons- but I see every RB and comment and I appreciate the hell out of them.

Feel free to say hi sometime! Thank you for supporting my work, it means the absolute world.

Tell me what you think about me on anon

[sparkedblaze]

Hi friends

I’m doing this for science, so please bear with me.

Full context below the cut, rb for sample size, etc etc.

So, the conversation itself stemmed from the ‘man vs bear’ question.

When I tell you I have been obsessed with it, I mean it without hyperbole.

For anyone who hasn’t seen it, the prompt was essentially this:

You’re alone in the woods. On your way, would you rather encounter a random man or a random bear?

There is no further context, and it hasn’t surprised me how many AFAB (assigned female at birth) people chose the bear. However, what has absolutely astounded me is the amount of men that are upset by it.

From what I’ve seen, if someone says ‘I would choose the bear over a man for xyz reasons’, most men seem to take that as ‘I am choosing a bear over you specifically.’ Which, of course, isn’t exactly the case, as that isn’t the question. They then go on to rant about statistics, and how often women interact with men on a daily basis (not acknowledging the fact that most of these are in public spaces, in crowds, or around cameras, but for the sake of this post I digress).

All that to say, I’ve become enraptured with what people have to say on the matter.

I asked my coworkers the other day about it, and one of them made some offhand comment about how men had become so oppressed since the debate started.

I asked him what he meant, and he said something along the lines of

“If I want to talk to a girl in a bar, I can’t look at her body, buy her a drink, or compliment her without having some charge thrown at me.”

I didn’t say anything more about it because I was at work, and can’t risk losing my job right now, but the statement baffled me.

Having to respect a person’s boundaries equates to being oppressed? I think the fuck not??

This coworker is (unless something has changed in the last eight hours) a cishet, white, Christian man living in the Deep South. Which wouldn’t usually be important, except for the fact that he is in the least oppressed group of people in… probably the entire world?

I dunno y’all

Thoughts?

[luciuscodedswedeboy]

wasn’t gonna respond to comments/rbs on here since it’s usually pointless but I want to try and clarify for my followers what exactly I meant since it seems several people misunderstood this post entirely and as an autist one of my worst nightmares is being misunderstood so here goes — trying to explain again, hopefully with more clarity this time.

this post was about me using fandom references to say that I don’t want to harm people unintentionally because I’m being selfish or ignorant of their needs, wants, and personhood. This post is NOT about wanting to intentionally be a cunt to people at any time I feel like it and excusing that behaviour or thinking it’s okay (that’s Calico Jack, folks).

What I was trying to say (apparently inarticulately) was that *in the event that I’m being a cunt to someone* I want it be because I’m choosing to be a cunt on purpose, with my eyes wide open, in a situation where I know what I’m doing and why I’m doing it. Like I will choose to be a cunt to TERFs and Nazis all fucking day long & be very intentional about it.

What I *don’t* want is to be acting without regard for other people or their feelings and leaving a trail of hurt people in my wake, only to discover that hurt in hindsight when someone brings it to my attention because I was being *that* oblivious to their wants/needs/feelings/personhood.

Tbh my main issue with Stede is that I see a lot of the things I don’t like about myself in him, especially when I was in my teens/twenties and often oblivious to others’ feelings and/or not paying attention to how my actions were impacting others. So since I’ve been working on owning and recognising that over the past decade (which, ironically, is part of why I chose to respond to this post) it’s made me realise what a huuuuge journey Stede has ahead of him because working on recognising and considering other people’s emotions/needs before acting requires a lot of self-work, reflection, and practice.

Basically, I’m saying I don’t want to continue being the way that I have been over the course of my life and would prefer to only be rude to people when I intend to be.

Now, you may or may not agree with me that Izzy was aware of his actions & potential impacts on others (which doesn’t mean he was a psychic that could see every possible outcome or anything; just that he knew he was being rude & knows that people can and will respond to that rudeness) but whether you disagree with that HC or not is really not the point of this post, though I can see how people who view Izzy in a negative light could see this as someone condoning all of his actions/motivations IRL or something, but that’s absolutely not what’s happening here.

TL;DR this post is about me wanting to be aware of my actions and their impacts on others rather than acting carelessly, which is a bit ironic bc I seem to have worded things not quite carefully enough & now I need to clarify.

as always, if anyone ever has questions about something I’ve posted or wants more clarification, please please please let me know. My DMs, comments, and RBs are totally open for people being like “hey this kinda sounds like this, is that what you meant?” And yes I know it’s a big ask for internet strangers to try and clarify someone’s intentions/meaning prior to jumping on their posts (especially with all the exhausting daily battles those of us in marginalised groups face and how on guard we have to be just to survive/protect ourselves) but tbh we’re never gonna have a kinder world without doing exactly that because, just like Stede, sometimes people say something carelessly and they aren’t fully aware of how it could sound to others.

Bottom line: Just like Stede, I can and do communicate things ineffectively sometimes, but I also am and always will be working on it.

a lot of Izzy haters are like “if you like Izzy then you’re just as bad as he is!” and obviously that’s not how enjoying fiction works but for the sake of argument let’s say that it does work like that. Tbh I’d much rather be a cunt in the way that Izzy is than be a cunt in the way that Stede is. like I’d much rather be fully aware of my actions and the impacts they‘re having on other people than be carelessly careening thru life chasing my own desires while causing untold problems and harm to others without a single thought for their emotional wellbeing as long as I’m having a good time all while claiming to care about others. like? if I’m gonna be a cunt either way? I’d much rather be an honest self-aware one

[painless-innit-colourful]

Not Romantic, I Swear

Recently, someone asked Tommy on an alt stream if he was okay with aromantic headcanons of his characters, and he said yes. That was pretty cool, since I was already most of the way through this fic. I present The c!Tommy aro fic, or; TommyInnit doesn’t get romance, but at least he’s got Tubbo. Or so he thought. (TW for a lot of internalised arophobia.)

TommyInnit just doesn’t get it.

‘Don’t worry,’ they’d always say. ‘When you’re a bit older, when the hormones start kicking in, that’s when you’ll understand.’ Okay, so he’s too much of a kid to get it. Where has he heard that before. He’d shrug and continue with his chaos, secure in the knowledge that one day, the whole world would make sense.

Well, he’s sixteen, the hormones have certainly had their opportunity, and nope! He still doesn’t get it.

What the f’ck is romance?

It doesn’t exactly weigh on his mind, but there are peaceful days like this when it whirls around in his thoughts and won’t leave him alone. He watches couples walk the streets of their great nation, marvelling at wildflowers growing in the sunny spots between the redwood trees, and knows he’s not like them. They laugh at each other’s stupid jokes, they hold hands constantly, they pick delicate flowers for each other, and they are in love. Tommy tried those things once or twice, in an attempt to trick his dumb heart into feeling something, by presenting Tubbo - who else - with a little bouquet, and laughing extra hard at his jokes, and holding his hand (something not unusual for them) as they hung out. Tubbo seemed charmed and smiled wider; that’s beside the point. The point is: Tommy felt nothing. Nothing new, at least. He loves his best friend, and by his side, he feels warmer than a sunny August day. 

But there’s no great fluttering in his chest, no earth-shattering revelation about one’s existence: it’s just… missing. Okay, so maybe he’s the wrong person. Maybe he’s just not attracted to men, and while it’s uncommon to be straight, it does happen. So he tries it with a girl… Yeah... No. Not only is that also a monumental failure in the feelings department, but he also earns a trip into the L’ake for his troubles. Note to self: work on flirting etiquette.

After getting thoroughly laughed at - thanks Jack - he finds himself sitting outside the Camarvan, letting his coat and boots dry on the side of the van while he sits and smoulders in his soggy clothing. “Heard you went for a swim, Big Man.” Tommy startles violently as Tubbo suddenly ‘rounds the van to sit swiftly beside him. “F’ck off.” He says with no venom. “Hold these.” Tommy sticks his hands out as Tubbo places a hot dog into each one, then shrugs off his coat and takes one back. “Oh, eat, by the way.” “No way, the Gregs have the place up and running again?” “Uh huh, though our good friend Niki Nihachu brings new competition.” They laugh in tandem.  “Any drugs in this one?” Tommy asks. “You wanna look around at the nation you’re in?” “Too shay.”

The comfortable quiet they lapse into as they eat their hto dogs is broken only by something with too many legs crawling up Tubbo’s leg and Tommy frantically batting it away before it can make the jump to his. They end up sharing personal space and also a packet of sherbet, and everything is fine and perfect until yet another happy couple goes walking along the other side of the lake, and Tommy wants to chuck stones at them for reminding him of the sprawling reason why he’s still sopping wet. He refrains.

“Tubbo?” “Yeah?” “You ever fallen in love?” Tubbo blinks, caught off guard by Tommy’s question.  “I mean, if we’re talking seriously… Why are you asking?” He leans in close enough that Tommy can smell the onions on his breath, and he ducks away from Tubbo’s growing grin. “Haven’t found the girl, have you?” “Ohhh, no- nononononono-” He says, and then has to repeat as Tubbo keeps getting closer, ‘cause ew, onion breath. “I just-” He repositions Tubbo at a safe distance, and the older boy laughs. “I was wondering, if you- if you got it, y’know?” “Got what?” “Like, the whole- y’know-” He mimes swooning and then fans himself like he’s the protagonist of a romance novel. Tubbo giggles. “I’m so in love I’d die for you! Y’know?” “Okay, yeah, on the same page,” He chuckles. “Uh, so, I guess my answer is no? I’ve had crushes before, but you don’t have to worry about me going all Romeo and Juliet.” “Oh thank Prime.”

“I wonder what it’s like though,” Tommy says once their latest round of giggling has subsided. “The falling-head-over-heels for someone.” He doesn’t mention he doesn’t even know what it’s like to like someone in that way. Let’s not worry anyone. “Well, I mean, the way people talk about other people like they’re their entire world… Maybe? Maybe it’s like that? That just sounds like obsession though.” “You’re my entire world Tubbo.” “That’s not true: you’d go to war for Henry and Harold. And your discs.” Tommy gives him a dry look. Two pieces of old shellac, and the cows at his summer house. Tubbo doesn’t seem to notice him though. “Maybe we should ask someone who knows- Wilbur maybe.” 

They lock eyes for a solid ten seconds, expressions falling further into something akin to disgust. “If I ever have to listen to that man talk about Sally again, I’m stabbing several people and then sawing my own ears off.”  Tubbo snorts. “Oh come on, it’s not that bad, and he did really love her.” “I think you’re missing the point, that being: are we SURE Sally was an actual person?” Tubbo cracks up, while Tommy maintains his facial expression of desperation. “Like- There’s-” Tubbo’s face threatens to undo him, but no, he’s holding ‘till the end of this dumb charade that comes up at least once a month. “There’s no definitive proof she wasn’t a- wasn’t- STOP I’M SO CLOSE- That she wasn’t a fish-”

Onlookers that day describe the vice president and secretary of state rolling about with laughter, but I suppose you had to be there.

Tommy does ask Wilbur though, on one different quiet evening, inside the van and looking out through the windshield at their glorious nation. He’d forgotten about it until then, when he spotted a picture of that briefly joyous family unit on the dashboard, the part of the photo supposedly depicting Fundy’s mother ruined by water damage, the colours bleeding into each other.

“You want to know what it’s like to fall in love?” Wilbur looks down on him through his glasses as he pushes them back up his nose. His reply is indignant, “Are you feeling alright?” “What d’you mean?” That earns him an affectionate ruffle of the hair.  “Falling in love… I suppose- Well, it’s personal to everyone, you know?” There’s a twinkle in his eyes as he speaks, and his voice is soft and full of fondness. “For me… It’s inescapable. I knew I loved Sally because I knew I couldn't not love her. I thought about her at all hours of the day: sometimes I still do.” He smiles at Tommy, who holds back a scowl or something equally immature. “Her smile, the sound of her laugh, the way the wind coloured the spaces between her and everything else when she danced. She had a sharp mind and a heart full of so much light and love… Someone like that can put a man six feet under, you know?” “No… I don’t.” Wilbur laughs with a single breath, squeezing Tommy’s shoulder.  “One day, Toms, one day you’ll meet the one that knocks you off your feet.” “The one that renders me helpless?” Wilbur sigh-laughs. “Yes.” His gaze goes far away again. “You’ll find the one that renders you helpless, and you’ll wonder how you could ever live without them.”

Tommy puts his arm around Wilbur’s middle and lets his pseudo-brother lean on him as they watch the sky blur the limit between orange and blue. Because he knows. He may not know romantic love, but he understands the loss.

When you get older.

One day you’ll understand.

Tommy grows. What’s the difference between a dandelion and the boy with the blonde hair? Dandelions are great for medicinal purposes. Tommy can’t seem to stop to heal. Yet, somehow, despite the trampling of his leaves and his many uprootings, he is stubbornly unable to be exterminated. He wrestles through the concrete raining down on his head, and he remains, bright and defiant and hard to ignore. The cracks still show, the pieces still come apart sometimes and the colours are muted, but he’s still here. And it’s one more ordinary day in Snowchester that it comes back to him, for the first time in many, many months. 

Y’see, he’s been a bit preoccupied lately, what with- Oh what was it… One election, two exiles, at least five wars, approximately four betrayals, two near-funerals, one suicide attempt and a burnt down L’Mantree. But he’s lying on the guest bed in Snowchester, upside-down and hanging over the edge playing a copy of Pokemon Sword that he found buried in his enderchest, when he happens to glance up, through the door to the kitchen. Tubbo and Ranboo are standing at the stove - one of them is cooking, and the other is reaching over to cup the other's face in his hands and kiss him as the song playing from the radio on the windowsill calls for it. Tommy wrinkles his nose and goes back to fighting Marnie’s Morpeko, but the thought won’t leave him now. 'At least Tubbo’s like me' was a thought that used to comfort Tommy like a warm blanket wrapped around his shoulders, but it seems everyone’s favourite enderboy messed that up for him too. He snickers to himself as he wins the battle. Ohhh Ranboo.

He assumed it’s another after product of… well, everything. He’s emotionally traumatised (thanks Puffy): he’s been depressed and suicidal and literally dead and he’s anxious and he can’t take too much damage before he freaks out - why not? He survived everything, but when somethings break, they don’t mend like they did before. He never got old enough to know what it’s like to love like an adult. His special someone probably died in a crater.

But then he remembers couples, and he remembers walks at dusk, and laughing much too hard at terrible jokes and holding hands, and sharing sherbet in the sunshine, and giving flowers, and he finds that he’s abandoned his Switch on the bed, and he’s leaning on the doorframe with the drawstrings of his hoodie wrapped around his fingers, watching his friends do this thing they call ‘romantic domesticity’, and watching them with a bittersweet smile, because he knows deep down he’ll never get it, he’ll never have this.

He’s aromantic, isn’t he?

He didn’t want to think about it before. Couldn’t think about it. He’d been researching identities and sexualities on another one of those crazily ordinary nights after he’d had this long conversation with Eret; his interest had been piqued, you could say. He’d torn through wiki pages, video essays and tumblr blogs at 3am, learning rabidly about everything from m-spec sexualities to mogai identities, to polyamory and different extremities of the a-spec. Bits of it flew over his head. He went down several bizarre gender rabbit holes, all of them with pretty flags. And finally, he read up on aromanticism. The words seemed to reach off his phone screen, taking his hand in theirs and saying ‘It’s not just you! We promise it’s okay!’, to which he abruptly shut off his phone, turned over and went to sleep, blaming it all on the sleep deprivation. It stayed with him though, hovering over his shoulder like an unwelcome raincloud, threatening to break and soak him to the skin and even deeper.

Yet it had held off, until now. The rain pattered against the floorboards, running down his cheeks and dripping from his chin. He didn’t get romance. He didn’t feel it. It didn’t work. He felt, oh god did he feel so strongly for others. For Tubbo, for Ranboo and Michael, Wilbur and Techno and Puffy and Henry and L’Manberg and yes, the discs. But. But it wasn’t enough. It wasn’t the right kind.

With a rhythmic clapping of synthetic drums, the song on the radio changes. Tubbo exclaims: “Tune!” and shuffles his feet around as much as his post at the stove allows. Ranboo rolls his eyes with a laugh, “You say that about every other song.” The song soon becomes recognisable as Whitney Houston’s ‘I Wanna Dance With Somebody (Who Loves Me)’, and Tommy can’t tell exactly what it is (the title of the song or the sentiment or the best friend dancing with his husband or the thoughts whirring around in his mind like a hurricane - or a combination of them all) but he needs to get out of this house. Now.

“Tommy, you good?” Ranboo’s voice chases him as he darts through the kitchen to the door. “Yeah, just- Just need some air.” They’re too quiet behind him, much too suspicious, but he hopes the song will keep them occupied. The chilly open air welcomes him outside, and he pulls his hoodie tighter around him by the drawstrings. He summons his shield and sword from his inventory at the slightest sound behind him, eternally razor-sharp instincts snapping at the shuffle in the snow, blocking the shot from the stray that rounds the building. The arrow thuds into his shield, sticking as he advances on the skeleton and delivers two swift strikes that destroy the body of the monster. The bleach-white bones clatter to the ground, and he waits in the silence for something else to take a crack at the unkillable kid. The silence stretches on, and he exhales, his breath a swirling white cloud in the air.

So. Him. Aromantic. He puts his sword away and yanks the arrow out of his shield, shouldering it while he holds the arrow in his free hand. It’s heavy, roughly made and, if he’s going to be all dramatic about it, so much more than an arrow. He places the sharp end against his chest, right where his heart is. It beats, it loves. It’s not enough. Not enough to be wanted. Not enough to be someone else’s number one, not- not anymore. That’s what scares him. That’s the thorn that’s been scratching his side since he found out, that’s the part of him he hates. He glances back through the window to the kitchen, where Ranboo is spinning Tubbo to the tinnily echoing Whitney song, and the grins on their faces are wide and endless and for each other, and only each other, and goddammit, he’s jealous. He is. He’s jealous and insecure and steeped in self-loathing and he wishes he were more, but he isn’t. He sits down hard on a log by a burnt-out campfire, flicking the projectile around in his hand. Cupid’s arrow missed his heart, struck a lung and tore him apart. Put that on top of the… well, everything else, and what does he have to work with?

That’s the terrifying notion. He will never be another person’s number one, no matter what he does; he’s never been good at pretending to be what he’s not. Each person has their other half, someone to kiss and cuddle and spend a life with. Heck, it doesn’t even have to be one person: polyamory dictates you can be devoted to as many people as you like, and he’s seen it before, little groups of people holding hands and switching dance partners between them and looking person to person with hopeless romantic eyes and stop, stop, stop, stop. He doesn’t want to think about it. He’s going to be alone forever, because it doesn’t matter how many partners you can want to have, he doesn’t fit that requirement at all. He doesn’t want to, in all honesty. He’s just petrified of being alone. Which he will be, so stop crying about it.

Tubbo has Ranboo now, and a child, and a home all without him, and it happened while he was trapped in the prison with Dream, or maybe even while he was dead and floating through the endless void on the other side, forgotten and moved on from, a mere remnant of the past. It stings.

He buries his face in his hands and melts the snow by his feet with some more of that raincloud. Far away, in other life, but perhaps also here, the click of a door closing gently rings out in the still night air. Footsteps in snow, soft crunches draw closer, and the first thing the approaching boy does when he reaches Tommy is drape a shawl around his shoulders. “You’ll catch your death out here like that.” Tubbo’s usual matter o’ fact tone hasn’t caught on yet, and he pauses for a moment in the ensuing silence. “Oh. Sorry. I really need to stop- or start thinking, actually, when I talk.”

The quiet settles around them like the freshly fallen snow coming to rest gently on Tommy’s head and shoulders, melting and seeping into his clothes. Tubbo leans over and brushes it away, one of his hands coming to rest on Tommy’s shoulders as he wiggles inside the shawl until they are close enough to be one being, wrapped up in a scarf against the elements. Together, they are alone in the light emanating from the house, the only two things alive in the world. Tubbo settles his head on Tommy’s shoulder, totally at ease, and Tommy’s heart flutters. He feels compelled to talk about it. Y’know, it. What better chance is he going to get?

“It’s been a while since it’s been just the two of us,” Tommy tries to keep the tears out of his voice as much as possible, unconsciously reaching a hand across their laps to find Tubbo’s. Tubbo hums his agreement, “Sorry ‘bout that.” He smiles up at Tommy with a slight tilt of his head. “But, well, y’know.” “Yeah, um, about that…” He swallows hard. “I… Well, you know how, um- There’s this thing-” The words, eternally doomed to get stuck in his throat, are in severe danger of choking him up, so ABORT MISSION. New tactic:

“Can I be a b’tch for a minute?” Tubbo snorts. “Uh, sure?” “I don’t like your husband.” Without looking, Tommy hears and feels Tubbo’s scowl. “Wait, wait a minute, I promise I’m going somewhere with this.” “If you accuse my husband of arson and/or thievery, I’m dismissing you from this courtroom.” “No, I - hah, good one - No, I promise this has a point.” He clears his throat. “I don’t like… Not him, I mean- I don’t not like Ranboo, he’s a lovely guy and I’m sure he makes you very happy- I mean, I know he does, I was literally there, you two are borderline obnoxious and- off-topic, where was I- Oh yeah- So I don’t not like Ranboo, but, well, the problem is I don’t know if you like him more than me- which isn’t a problem, really you can like whoever you want the most, I just get a bit- bit lonely is all, and I wanted to know if you still like me? A lot? Like back in the day?”

Tubbo sits back, blinks at him twice, rubs his eyes and stares at the ground with enough bewilderment to melt ice. “What?” “I- I’m aromantic.” A second passes. “Ohhhhh.”

“Yeah, um- I was wondering, and please don’t- don’t say like, what you don’t mean to make me feel better, because I want to-” “You remember when we died in the war,” Tommy stops dead in his tracks, looking down at Tubbo and trying to convince him with one look to Stop Right There. Tubbo meets his gaze, and something about it conveys Tommy’s earlier message: ‘I promise there’s a point to this’.

“When Eret betrayed us and got us all killed-” Tubbo's face drops into a sadness that could be painted on. “-I felt… like nothing. I mean, I’d spent hours upon hours, grinding and smithing and preparing with them, and they still had us all killed, like none of it mattered. But you-” The shawl falls partially away from his shoulders as Tubbo reaches up and takes Tommy’s face in his hands. “When we woke in the camarvan, the first thing you did was- was look for me. We’d all died, and the first thing you did was grab a hold of me and make sure I was alright.” He smiles, softly and genuinely, and something about it makes Tommy feel warm even without the shawl. Tubbo leans closer, dropping his voice to an uncertain whisper in Tommy’s ear, sharing words only ever meant to be heard by the two of them. “After I- I exiled you, and you still put yourself in the line of fire for me, and we lost L’Manberg, and everything... You invited me to stay in your house. And you held my hand when I was sad, and you didn’t stop holding my hand for days. Our friendship was never about playing heroes or always being perfect at being there or sacrificing it all or- whatever. ” 

He pulls Tommy in for an easy embrace, and Tommy doesn’t think about how effortlessly they fit together. “But you looked for me first when I needed it most. You forgave me for my worst mistakes. I didn’t forget that. I’m sorry I’ve been a little bit- not distant but, further away lately. Tunnel-visioned. But I still love you. I love Ranboo because he’s my husband. I love Michael, my son. And I love you, because you’re my boy. Always have been, always will be. Don’t worry about it.”

Tommyinnit doesn’t cry very often. He’s a reputation to uphold, and he’s got to pretend something’s normal. He can tear up every now and again (more often lately than ever before), but he doesn’t really cry. But as two boys sit wrapped up in each other's arms, the clouds blow away, taking the snow with them. The sky is awash with stars, and one of them smells like onions, and for the first time in a long time, Tommy doesn’t feel like he’s going to be alone forever. And he starts bawling. 

Broken sobs echo tinnily across the frozen town, bouncing between buildings and rocketing off ice sheets and across the sea. The frigid air burns his throat as he gulps down bigger and bigger breaths to try and stop the waterworks. “Hey,” Tubbo’s hands shift, and temporarily it only serves to make Tommy cry harder: he wanted that moment, however awkward, to last forever. He sits back and pulls a sleeve over one of his hands, reaching up to wipe away some of Tommy’s tears with a few gentle swipes. 

"Things will be different. But you'll always be my best, dearest friend," He cups Tommy's cheek and leans their foreheads together. "And I'll always be yours if you'll have me." Tommy's breathy laugh is wet with tears and full of all the affection he's been saving since the beginning of time. Oh. That's what love is, isn't it? "Of course." And then, "You're my entire world, Tubbo."

Tubbo's eyes mist up. "You get all sappy when you're sad," The boy in green jumps to his feet, wrapping the shawl firmly around Tommy's shoulders and using it to pull him along. "My whole world's my family-" And he pauses, tilting his head to the side like he does when he's about to say something cheesy. "Come be a part of it."

And Tubbo's smile matures into a good-natured laugh, and Tommy's heart could fly right out of his chest. And the wind colours the space between them, quickly closing, and Tommy doesn't know who says it first, but he knows two things.

The first one is that he's going to be alright. He's not going to be alone. "I love you," can be platonic and still have someone's world caving in. It happened to him.

And the second one is that compulsive amatonormativity in society convinces people that they have to pair off with some other person to be a whole individual and live a happy life. That’s not true. He believes it’s not true. Because a happy family can be the de-facto leader of the commune, his enderman husband, their pigman child and the kid in the red and white shirt that wears his heart so firmly on his sleeve he’s surprised no one figured it out earlier. Oh well.

"I love you, Tubbs."

---

Taglist: @nixavia @zrenia @spaceheatertrash @waitblues @kinda-late-but-here-though @icyisweird @boomybelovd @rozugold and for the people who came running when I said aro c!Tommy: @ineedblue @storm-jay @prinxe-with-no-crown @o0o0o0o0o0o 

[h0tchner]

Any Age, Any Day, Anywhere (Part 1) - aaron hotchner x fem!reader

pairing: aaron hotchner x fem!reader

summary: WRITTEN FOR AN ANON REQUEST: "ok hi so u already wrote a jealous reader and was wondering whats your take on jealous hotch? i mostly see him in fics as possessive and yeah being the leader type i would think he could also be possessive but i also think that he would just be sad like ya know he doubts himself as we saw in some episodes and i think he would need assurance and a lot of convincing that u only love him but if you’ve given that to him then thats the time he would be possessive and god i would love to imagine a possessive and feral aaron hotchner"

word count: 3.5k

includes: kissing, so much freaking adorable fluff, talk of body insecurities, insecure!hotch, protective!hotch, wifey reader, super brief mentions of pregnancy, alcohol, confrontation with a drunk asshole (derek & hotch are all over it tho dw), party at papa rossi's!, smut to come in next chapter...

rating: 18+ (technically there is no smut in this part, but there are adult themes such as drinking, kissing, etc.).

a/n: HELLO BESTIES! This is part one of a two-part fic! The next part will be pure filth, so keep your eyes peeled for some feral hotch content... ALSO! PLS (!!!!!!!!!!!) interact if you liked this, rb, comment, like and/or send me a request if you have ideas for future fics! i love y’all! - rivka💞

“Aaron! Can you come here for a sec?” you call out to your husband from the bathroom, muttering curses under your breath as you try (and fail) for the third time to zip up the back of your black cocktail dress.

“Sure, I just need a minute,” he replies from the bedroom closet, securing the last opalescent button on the arm of his white dress shirt. He looks at himself in the closet mirror, zeroing in at the bags under his eyes and the sprinkling of grey in his stubble. He looks… tired. Tired and old. And he hates it.

Even though Aaron is only in his late-40s, he has lived lifetimes; years of working as Unit Chief of the BAU will do that to a man. Every horror he’s seen and every person he’s lost has weighed on his body and mind. In the past few months, amidst work changes and a new baby, he’s been exhausted and in fear that he’s letting himself go. Of course, being the stoic man that he is, he’s done his absolute best to hide these feelings from you. Tonight, however, he doesn’t know if he can. It’ll be your first night out together as a couple since welcoming baby girl Hotchner to the family four months ago. With no pressing family or work distractions, he just knows that you’ll be able to sense his apprehensions. It’s only a matter of when.

Taking in a breath, he turns a little to the side, frowning at his profile. Aaron winces a little at his “dad bod,” but quickly recovers from the discomfort, milliseconds after it flashes across his face.

“Aaron Hotchner get your handsome butt in here and help me zip my dress! We’re gonna be late,” you exclaim, trying one last time to reach the zipper before giving up and crossing your arms in defeat. You lean back lightly against the countertop facing the door, letting the fabric slip off your shoulders, and wait for your husband to rescue you from the hell that is this dress.

At the sound of your voice, Aaron snaps out of his trance. He shakes his head lightly, as if to physically erase the intrusive thoughts, and clears his throat. Grabbing his suit jacket off the hanger, he flicks off the closet light and closes the door behind him.

Languidly, he meanders from the closet toward the bathroom. He drags his feet a little longer than he normally would, still feeling off and a little bit shy about his appearance.

“Aaron,” you sing, “I’m waiting for –,” your jaw drops mid-sentence when Aaron appears in the doorway.

“Oh fuck,” you breathe out before you can stop yourself, eyes widening at the sight of the gorgeous man in front of you.

“What’s wrong?” He asks, crossing over to you, searching your face for any ounce of reprieve.

“Nothing, nothing’s wrong,” you’re quick to reply, standing from your leaning position to meet him, holding out your hands.

He takes them in his own, cocking his head slightly, his soft hazel eyes boring into yours.

You shift forward, moving up on your toes to peck his soft pink lips.

He sighs into the kiss, feeling the warmth of your lips against his own. It feels so good that it almost makes him forget about how he is feeling… almost. But the dark thoughts come back, and he pulls away from you a bit, reluctantly.

Aaron clears his throat.

“You called me?” He questions, but it sounds more like a fact.

“Yeah,” you give his hands a squeeze. “I needed you to zip up my dress, but now,” you lean in again, “I kinda want you to rip it off me.” You offer him a sultry smirk, moving your hands up to rest on his broad chest. He moves his hands to settle on your hips.

You lick your lips and let your eyes rake over his body, taking in every ounce of his sexy frame. The way his crisp, white dress shirt hugs his solid body makes you go weak in the knees. His strong, toned legs in those black dress pants? Yes please. His soft black hair and salt and pepper stubble on his face are practically begging to be touched. He looks good. Damn good.

“You look…” you pause, tapping a finger lightly against his pectoral, searching for the right word, “…delicious.”

Aaron blushes lightly at your ogling, offering you a sad smile as he squeezes his eyes shut out of embarrassment.

You sense the falter in his demeanor, knowing that there’s something else nagging at him far beyond his usual flustering when you vocalize your attraction to him.

“Honey,” you implore, looping your hands around his neck to bring his forehead down to touch yours. “What’s going on in that big, beautiful brain of yours?”

“It’s nothing,” he mutters, swallowing, rubbing soft circles into your sides.

“It’s something,” you counter, carding a hand through his hair at the nape of his neck. You scratch lightly at his scalp, waiting for him to speak. You’ve learned that the best thing to do when Aaron gets in a mood is to give him some time to gather his thoughts. Keeping him close, physically, is a way to show him some comfort without pressuring him to speak. It encourages him, without words, that your arms are a safe place.

“I don’t…” he starts, and then stops himself. His dark eyebrows furrow and his mouth presses into a thin line.

“Mhm?” you question, fingers still tangled in his thick, black locks.

He pulls his forehead away from yours and locks eyes with you. You let your hands be still now, a silent gesture to show him that you’re listening.

He takes in a breath.

“I don’t look the way I used to,” he says quietly, shifting his eyes away from yours.

“What do you mean,” you urge him to continue.

“I mean, I don’t look like I did five years ago. Two years ago. Four months ago. I mean, I was practically a different man when we first met. I was younger, fitter…” he trails off, visibly upset.

“Yes, Aaron, you were,” you agree, keeping your tone temperate.

His eyes snap to yours, confused. It’s clear that was not what he was expecting you to say.

“You were a different man,” you continue gently, resuming your pacifying touch in his hair, “and I was a different woman.”

Aaron lets out a huff.

“Do you love me any less now than you did five years ago?” You ask him.

“Of course not,” he’s quick to answer.

“Why is that?” You prod.

“You’re gorgeous, inside and out. You’re funny, smart, loving…” he begins, but you interrupt him before he can go on.

“And,” you butt in, “if I were to go completely grey, gain thirty pounds, and only wear a potato sack to work every day would you love me any less?”

Aaron huffs again, but this time he’s fighting a smile. He’s starting to catch on. You watch as a spark of levity returns to his eyes. He holds you a little tighter.

“No. There’s nothing you could do or say to make me love you any less,” he grumbles in annoyance, but his upturned lip and matching eyebrow tell a different story.

“Ditto, baby,” you smile up at him. “I love you at any age, any day, anywhere, and there is nothing in the world that can make me change my mind.”

He dips down then, capturing you in a kiss, grinning against your lips.

You giggle as Aaron works his way down your jawline and neck, gasping as he kisses the soft skin at the junction of your neck and shoulder, thick fingers gripping the sides of your hips. He moves his lips back up to your earlobe, nipping at it lightly as you let out another soft gasp.

“You always know the right thing to say,” he whispers into your ear, pressing another kiss right underneath it.

“Aaron, I know I said I wanted you to take this dress off me,” you say breathlessly as Aaron nips at your shoulder again, “but Rossi will kill us if we don’t show up tonight. Plus, I really want the chance to show off my super sexy FBI husband. It’s been far too long.”

He lets out a low groan into your skin and gives your hips a squeeze, nuzzling his head into your neck.

“Yeah,” he mumbles, “you’re right.”

“Aren’t I always,” you snort, eliciting a chuckle from your husband as you turn around in his arms to let him zip you up.

He takes his time, letting his fingers brush lightly over your spine as he draws the zipper over your back. When he’s done and the clasp is latched, he kisses one shoulder lightly, and then the other.

“Thank you,” you whisper, leaning back against his warm body.

“No, honey,” he kisses the top of your head, “thank you.”

_____________________________________________________________

By the time you and Aaron arrive at Rossi’s mansion, the party is already in full swing. Judging by the number of cars in the makeshift parking lot on his spacious front lawn, there must be at least fifty, maybe even a hundred people here.

Despite the bustle of the evening, it doesn’t take long for you two to find Emily, Penelope, and Derek in the living room, drinks in hand, snacking on some very expensive looking food.

“Hey, look! It’s the Hotchners!” Emily cheers, teetering on the arm of the leather couch, wine glass in hand.

“Hello beautiful BAU power-couple!” Penelope chimes in from the seat next to her, cuddled up into Derek’s side.

You laugh and let go of Aaron’s hand, walking over to greet your friends.

“Hey hot stuff, look at you, look at you!” Derek chimes in, eyeing you up and down before standing to shake Aaron’s hand.

“Oh, please,” you roll your eyes at him as you give Emily a big hug.

“And you don’t look bad yourself, boss man!” Derek adds.

You shoot your husband an ‘I told you so’ look over your shoulder, before untangling your arms from Emily and giving Penelope an equally enthusiastic squeeze.

“It’s good to see you all,” Aaron smiles lightly, all dimples in the low light. He steps in to give Emily and Penelope soft hugs.

“Let’s go get you a drink,” Derek says to Aaron, clapping him on the back.

“White?” Aaron looks to you, even though he already knows the answer.

“Yes please,” you respond, “thank you.”

“Be back soon,” he smiles easily, kissing your cheek, making your heart ache.

Aaron and Derek turn and exit the room together.

Penelope drunkenly pats the seat next to her, and you plop down on the couch.

“We’ve missed you like this!” Emily exclaims, gesturing between the three of you and around the room. “I can’t believe we’ve had to wait nine whole months plusanother four just to have a drink with our best friend again.”

You laugh at her, tilting your head back lightly. “Well, you guys got a beautiful little niece out of it, doesn’t that make up for all the wild girl’s nights I missed?”

Emily sighs, dramatically, “I guess so,” she jests.

“Oh, for sure.” Penelope adds. “You look freaking gorgeous, by the way. I mean, I would have never guessed you were creating a tiny human in that body only a few months ago!”

You blush lightly at her words, “You flatter me far too much, Pen. I owe this,” you gesture down at your figure, “all to Spanx!”

“Amen!” Emily toasts. You raise an imaginary glass to theirs and pretend to clink, taking a swig of invisible liquid.

“Are J.J. and Will here?” You ask them after they’ve had a few more sips of their wine.

“Yeah, yeah,” Emily nods, “they’re around somewhere.”

You take a moment and look around the room, taking in all the sights and the sounds of the party. You see some faces you recognize from around the bureau, but others you don’t. Just as you’re about to turn back to your friends, someone catches your eye. One face stands out from the crowd: he’s a young, suave-looking man in a sharp navy suit. Sandy hair perfectly gelled, shiny brown loafers, and bright blue eyes looking right at you. In another life you would have been exhilarated by his attention, apparent charm, and good looks, but now? Now, you’re married to the love of your life with an amazing stepson and a wonderful baby girl. His wolfish gaze means absolutely nothing to you. You simply flash him a curt smile and turn back to Emily and Penelope without a second thought.

You and your friends resume your chatter, waiting for the men to return with more drinks... only they don’t. Perhaps its “new mother anxiety” talking, but the longer your husband is gone, the more you start to grow concerned. A few more minutes pass of antics, laughter, and catching up until the nagging voice in the back of your head turns into an all-out scream. All you know is that you’re suddenly feeling very overwhelmed need to be with Aaron. So, you announce to your friends that you’re going to hunt down Derek and your husband.

You stand from the couch and smooth out the skirt of your dress with the promise to be back in a few minutes.

You walk out of the living room and into the grand foyer, following the same route as Aaron had earlier. Your black kitten heels click on the marble flooring, the skirt of your dress swishing lightly as you walk with purpose towards the kitchen. You’re so concentrated on reaching your destination that you don’t realize the man who had been watching you in the living room was now hot at your heels, following you through the house. It’s only when a hand reaches out and jerks your arm backward that you stop, startled, just past the grand staircase, turning face to face with him.

“You’re not an easy woman to get alone,” he smirks, reeking of alcohol, still gripping your arm, tight. Up close he is decidedly not as handsome as the low light of the living room made him seem. In fact, he seems… creepy. Really, really, really, creepy.

“Can I help you?” You blink at him, pulling your arm out of his vice grip.

“You sure can, baby,” he steps closer to you, voice oozing with sleaze. You gag at the liquor on his breath.

Moving away, you scowl at him, crossing your arms across your chest.

“What’s say you and I head upstairs for a little while? I’m dying to get my hands on your body.” He jerks his head toward the staircase, reaching out to grab your arm again.

You’re fuming at this point, ready give him a piece of your mind when a stern voice beats you to it.

“Excuse me, what do you think you’re doing?” Aaron articulates, approaching you both with Derek not far behind.

You breathe a sigh of relief as your husband glares at the drunken man vengefully, coming to stand by your side. Aaron pulls you into him, roughly, hand tight around your waist. The anger radiating off your husband is equally terrifying and HOT.

“Take a walk, man,” Derek adds in, coming to stand next to the drunken asshole. The man looks from you, to Aaron, then over to Derek, and finally back at you.

“Whatever,” the man grumbles, putting his hands up, “she’s not worth it anyway. Not pretty enough for the hassle. I just thought she looked like an easy lay.”

“That’s enough,” Aaron snaps, seething. “Leave now, before I make you,” your husband growls. He angles his body forward so you’re slightly behind him. A shiver passes through you at his fierce protectiveness.

“Fine, I’m going to get another drink,” the man utters.

“No,” Aaron interjects, “the party. Leave the party or I’ll have you removed.”

“What’s your problem?” The creepy man retorts, this time, more confrontationally.

“My problem?” Aaron says, angrily. You feel his entire body tense at the accusation.

“Hotch,” Derek warns, “I’ll take care of it. You guys go enjoy yourselves. Forget about him.”

“Come on, Aaron,” you tug on his suit jacket lightly, eyes pleading… but Aaron doesn’t budge from his spot. He only holds you tighter as he continues to stare down the man as Derek ushers him away and towards the front door. He doesn’t falter until they are out of sight.

“Aaron?” You repeat.

He looks down at you, finally, blinking away the fury until all that’s left is an all-consuming love. He releases you from his protective hold, and you face him.

“I’m okay,” you assure him in earnest, letting out a shaky breath.

“Honey, I’m so sorry,” he breathes, bringing his hands up to cup your face.

“Aaron, it’s okay, really,” you bite your lip, shifting your eyes away from his.

“You’re so beautiful,” Aaron kisses your forehead, and then the top of your head. “So, so beautiful, and I’m so sorry.”

“Aaron, can we just go home?” You ask.

“Sure,” he kisses your head one last time before weaving his fingers between yours and guiding you gently toward the back exit.

_____________________________________________________________

The car ride home is quiet. The only sounds are the occasional click of the turn signal, and the hum of the wheels on the road. Aaron is still upset, and so are you, but you’re also… something else. Something you can’t quite put your finger on. You feel guilty for ruining the evening, guilty that you FEEL guilty for something you had no control over, hungry, tired, and… horny? Oh, and guilty for feeling horny.

It isn’t helping that one of Aaron’s hands is planted firmly on your thigh. He lifts it only to adjust the air conditioning or to scratch his nose, but otherwise it remains on you the whole way home. When he pulls into the driveway of your shared house, and shuts the car off, he still doesn’t move it.

“Honey?” You turn your head to look at him. His eyes are closed. You take in the strong features of his profile, noting the prominence of his nose and the way his eyelashes rest on his high cheekbones.

“I almost punched him.” Aaron whispers, opening his eyes to look over at you sheepishly.

“You what,” you exhale, mouth slightly agape.

“That guy,” he continues, bringing his left hand up to pinch his nose. “I almost punched him for saying that about you.”

You snort, amused by his confession.

Your husband lets out a short laugh, squeezing your thigh as he does.

“I would’ve liked to see that.” You’re grinning now and so is he.

He flashes his eyes at you and laughs again, this time less anxiously. You join him, feeling the tension dissipate with every passing moment.

“My big, bad FBI man decking a barely-legal drunk dickhead for making a move on his wife? Where can I get my tickets?” You joke.

As you say the words “his wife,” Aaron’s breath hitches in his throat. His hand on your thigh presses down instinctively. Neither of his reactions go unnoticed.

You lay a hand over his where it rests on your leg.

“You know, Aaron,” you begin.

He looks over at you, jaw tight, but this time it isn’t from anger.

“This is the first time we’ve had the house all to ourselves in months,” you pull his hand off you and bring it up to your lips. You press a kiss to his palm, and then to his wrist.

“This… is true,” he breathes out, studying you, taking you in.

“So, I’m just wondering:” you grin, linking your fingers with his, “are you going to carry your wife into our house, Aaron? Or do I have to walk myself?”

[zosonils-art]

Rating: General Audiences

Archive Warning: No Archive Warnings Apply

Category: Gen

Relationship: Ferb Fletcher & Phineas Flynn

Characters: Ferb Fletcher, Phineas Flynn, Perry the Platypus (Phineas and Ferb), Linda Flynn-Fletcher

Additional Tags: Autistic Ferb, Autistic Phineas, autistic phineas is more implied and could also be taken as adhd but he has both anyway so, Autistic Meltdown, Autism, Sensory Overload, Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Illustrations, Canon Continuation, Fix-It of Sorts, i think????? i don't frequent this goddamn website i don't know, Brotherly Love, Crying, some of the crying is me

Summary: A stressful day pushes Ferb past his breaking point, and Phineas feels that he has a responsibility to set things right. Takes place immediately after Ready For The Bettys. Was supposed to be a simple continuation fic but got wildly out of hand. Ph*n*rb shippers fuck off this isn't for you.

---

as you’ve probably figured out if you’re following my main, i recently wrote my first fic since i was about 13! it’s available on ao3 at the link above, but you can also read it on tumblr by clicking the readmore on this post! i put a lot of effort into this and it took a lot of courage to post, so feedback is greatly appreciated!

"Mom! Guess what Ferb did!"

Phineas bursts into the kitchen energetically, still buzzing with adrenaline from the day's adventure. Ferb follows a step or two behind. Linda turns her attention from the freshly baked pie in her hands to her sons, although Phineas is too beside himself with excitement to consider whether or not she's paying attention. "He made a secret tunnel, and a spy headquarters, and a villain's lair, and a hover jet shaped like Perry- tell her, Ferb!"

Ferb doesn't match Phineas' enthusiasm. In fact, at the moment, he's sick to death of it. He prepares to launch into the explanation he's been trying all day to give. "Actually, I-"

"Wait a second," Linda interrupts, eyeing the boys with suspicion. "Why are you two soaking wet?"

The interruption is just too much for Ferb. He doesn't even process the question, just lets out a harsh shout of frustration. Phineas recoils - Ferb almost never shouts. "I give UP!" Ferb yells, his voice shaking on the last syllable, and before either of his surprised family members can respond, he turns around and storms off, his destination betrayed by the distinct clunking rhythm of stairs being stomped on too hard and the sound of a door slamming upstairs.

For a moment, the kitchen is silent. Linda recovers before Phineas does, her eyes narrowing in disapproval. "Young man, that is not how we talk to each other in this house!" she calls, setting the pie tin and her oven mitts down on the kitchen counter and following Ferb's path to his room. Before she can make it to the doorway, though, her progress is halted.

"Mom, wait!" Phineas pleads. He's finally caught onto what's been going on all day, and although he's still only half processed it, he knows he doesn't want Ferb to be in trouble for it. He frantically tugs on Linda's arm to draw her attention. Once he's sure that she's stopped, he withdraws his hand (he's still wet, after all, he doesn't want to make her uncomfortable), but sidesteps around her to put his tiny body firmly between her and the doorway to the living room. "Mom, please don't be mad at Ferb, it- it's not his fault! I'm sure he didn't mean anything by it, he's just..." Phineas' voice trails off briefly, but he forces it back into action, complete with the most serious expression he can manage. "If you're gonna be mad at either of us, it should be me, okay?"

At first, Linda returns Phineas' gaze with suspicion, then her face softens with realisation. She crouches down to her son's eye level, placing a hand on his shoulder. "Phineas, did something else happen today?" she asks, the anger gone from her voice.

Phineas hesitates, dropping eye contact again. He's almost certain about the cause of Ferb's outburst, and he can't help but mentally beat himself up for it to a degree. "Well, Ferb's been trying to tell me something all day, but he kept getting interrupted by our spy mission, and I guess it must have been really frustrating because he hates being interrupted but I didn't realise and-" he pauses to breathe, and shudders as he inhales as if on the verge of tears - "and I should have asked at some point but I just kept getting distracted and I didn't even realise how upset it was making him but-"

"Phineas," Linda says gently, and he gladly accepts the invitation to cut his rambling short. His breathing is shaky, but he doesn't cry just yet, even though his emotional state has nosedived in barely a minute. After giving him a moment to snap back into focus, Linda continues. "Phineas, honey, it sounds like this has just been a misunderstanding. On my end, too," she adds, regretting having snapped at Ferb earlier. Phineas nods with a nondescript mumble of agreement. Although he still obviously isn't looking, Linda gives him a reassuring smile anyway, accompanied by a gentle squeeze of his shoulder. "Thank you for telling the truth, sweetheart," she praises him.

"Mmh," Phineas mumbles, tugging at his shirt collar. He tends to fiddle with his shirt when he's nervous or overexcited. It doesn't hold a candle to bouncing his leg or flapping his hands, as far as stimming goes, but it's a lot easier to do while someone is touching you. "I just should've realised what was up earlier, then he probably wouldn't have freaked out..."

He finally glances up again, and the look his mom is giving him tells him that he should drop the argument, so he stops. Linda ruffles his hair affectionately, leaning forward to reach all the way behind Phineas' oddly-shaped head, and flinches at the unpleasant reminder of how waterlogged he still is. She stands up, flicking her hand dry. "I'm sure he knows you didn't mean to hurt his feelings," she reassures Phineas. "Why don't you dry yourself off and then go talk to him? Which reminds me," Linda motions towards the puddles tracked all over the kitchen floor, "why are you two so wet?"

"Oh, we fell in Isabella's pool," Phineas answers matter-of-factly. He isn't quite back to his usual blindingly sunny disposition, but the panicky tremble in his voice has at least disappeared.

Linda smiles, resisting the urge to roll her eyes. "Well, that I believe," she says. She'd tactfully decided not to comment on whatever that secret spy headquarters spiel was that Phineas had been getting worked up over, but she suspects his latest imaginary game took the boys to Isabella's backyard and ended up having some real-life consequences. "Oh, hi, Perry," she adds, as the platypus in question waddles into the kitchen.

Perry responds with his familiar chatter. Phineas leans down to pet Perry on the head. "At least you've had a stress-free day, huh," he says, then leaves for the bathroom. Perry stares at him blankly.

---

Ferb is having a meltdown.

He knows what this is, of course. He reads every textbook and blog post on the subject he can find, just in case it helps him make some more sense of himself. If he misses one, Phineas will no doubt have found and memorised it himself for the same reason, and will gladly rattle off anything new. Knowing why there's a raging storm beating at the inside of his head, however, is entirely different from quelling it. By the time he reaches his bedroom, he's trembling so violently that he can barely stand. He stumbles to his bed, pushing his hands down into the mattress to keep himself on his feet.

It's like feeling every feeling from every second of the day all in the same moment, and it hurts. So much is happening in his head that he can't even isolate a single thought, let alone process what it means. Is he angry? That'd make sense, sure, but his mental state isn't exactly conducive to deductive reasoning at the moment. Is he sad? Scared? Something else entirely?? He can't tell what emotion or mixture thereof it is, only that it's hurting his head, and he wants to get it out but he doesn't know how. He's struggling to breathe now, his arms shaking with the effort of keeping his body supported, and as he draws in a desperate shuddering breath Ferb feels something wet in his eye and then on his face, and he remembers that his entire body is wet and he hates it. It's cold, and his hair is sticking to his face and uncomfortably close to his eyes, and his clothes cling to his body oppressively and he wants to tear them off and stop feeling everything. Instead of doing that, he forces himself to breathe in again and looks around the room frantically, hoping to find something other than absolutely everything to concentrate on.

His eyes land on Phineas' bed, and although his vision is blurring as the panicky tears pour down his face, he recognises the shape instantly. Is he mad at Phineas? Should he be? He should be, right? If Phineas had just stopped to listen to him for once, he wouldn't be here with the world ending inside his brain. Another violent wave of emotion sends a shock through his whole body, and Ferb is still in no state to identify it, but he gets the message. He doesn't want to be angry. Not at Phineas. In fact, he doesn't want to feel anything he's feeling at the moment. Not the turbulent assault of everything inside his head, not the hammering rhythm of his heart trying to beat its way out of his chest, not every tiny thing that touches his skin or the light from outside that still feels blinding through the curtains or the muffled sounds of conversation downstairs that he doesn't have room in his brain to translate into anything but more noise.

Sensory overload is another term Ferb knows, and it's another one that doesn't really help to know in the moment. The feeling of anxiety that's been growing in his chest since that morning finally becomes too much for his body to handle, and he collapses on his bed, weakly gripping the blanket for support. Burying his face in his covers blocks out most of the sunlight, at least, but it doesn't significantly improve his mood. He shivers, partly from cold thanks to still being uncomfortably wet, partly from the sobs making his whole body convulse. (When did those start? He doesn't remember.) He uses the last of his physical strength to pull himself fully onto his bed and curl into himself, trying desperately to calm himself down.

...

It's not working. Why isn't it working?? It's as if every effort to steady his breathing just makes him cry harder, every attempt at a calming thought being shattered into a thousand anxious ones by the merciless torrent of everything whirling around in his mind. Ferb is suddenly hyper-aware of how empty the room around him is, and it makes him feel helpless. It's the first feeling he's managed to connect a name to with absolute certainty this whole time, and it's terrifying.

If he was making any noise before in his attempts to control his breathing, he's stopped now. No sound escapes him as he lies in place, too preoccupied with the overwhelming barrage of thoughts in his brain to move. More than anything, Ferb wants his brain to just shut off. Everything in his mind blends into a horrible white noise that won't stop, threatening to drown him in static.

Through the raging mental cyclone, he just barely hears the knock at the door.

Phineas waits a moment before entering his room. He wants to make sure Ferb has time to process that he's here. A few seconds pass, then he opens the door slowly so that it doesn't make any sound. A stab of guilt hits him when he sees Ferb curled up on his bed, visibly distressed. He's facing the opposite wall, but the way he shudders as he breathes makes it obvious that he's crying. Phineas feels his heart sink. He'd really hoped it wouldn't be this bad.

"Hey," he says softly. Ferb grips himself tighter. Just a minute ago, Phineas would have been the last person he wanted to see, but now his desperation for comfort outweighs any lingering hints of animosity. He doesn't object to his brother's presence, so Phineas gently closes the door and walks over to his side of the room. He sits on the bed, watching Ferb to see if he reacts negatively to the shift in weight distribution, and tenses up slightly at how damp the blanket is. Of course, Ferb wouldn't have stopped to dry off on his way up here. A closer look confirms that while a lot of the water on his body has run off and soaked into his bed, Ferb is still almost as wet as he was when he arrived home. Phineas frowns - that can't be comfortable, and it's probably making him feel even worse. "Are you okay?" he asks.

Ferb curls into himself even more instead of asking. The question is so frustratingly rhetorical that he almost reconsiders the possibility of being angry, but the idea still scares him, so the feeling passes. Fortunately, Phineas understands the unspoken 'obviously not' with no further input, and continues to talk. "I'm really sorry about today," he begins. "I know you don't like being interrupted, and I should've realised that it was making you feel bad but I just wasn't paying enough attention and- and I'm sorry, because it's kinda my fault you got so upset," he apologises, not realising that he's holding back tears until he stops to breathe. He wills himself not to cry. He's here to try and make Ferb feel better, not guilt him into forgiveness.

It takes a second or two for Ferb to process what Phineas is saying. It's a struggle to drag the words through the confusing whirlwind of everything still rampaging through his head. Eventually, after a great deal of mental effort, he shakes his head in response. Perhaps he was angry before, he still can't tell, but he definitely isn't now. He can't manage anything beyond the simple gesture, but it's not the first time he's been utterly uncommunicative, so Phineas understands the meaning as well as he needs to: it's not your fault.

"Th-thanks," he stutters, although Ferb's acceptance does little to settle the crushing feeling of responsibility. "Next time you can speak I'll let you tell me whatever it is you needed to, okay? I promise." He smiles a little. "No more secret agent business to interrupt you."

The last sentence sure prompts a reaction from Ferb - he rolls over so that his face is entirely buried in the blanket and makes a frustrated noise without opening his mouth, his body shaking with some mixture of anger and physical strain. Phineas inhales sharply and recoils, no more prepared for an audible outburst from Ferb than the first time. "Hey, what's wrong?" he asks, already speed-testing possible answers in his head. "Did you not have fun today? Of- of course you didn't, that's why you're upset, but I thought you did a great job on the spy mission! It was really cool." He's trying to be reassuring, but Ferb just shakes harder, seemingly becoming more aggravated rather than less.

Phineas tilts his head in confusion. "Ferb? Ferb, it's okay, I-I'm sorry. Did... did it not go the way you planned?" he guesses, searching increasingly frantically for any change in Ferb's body language. "Hmm... oh, were you not finished building it yet?" He thinks back to Ferb's numerous attempts at speaking to him throughout the day, hoping that he'll find some clue that makes everything fall into place - and something clicks in his brain. He deflates a little at how painfully obvious the realisation seems in retrospect, with a soft "Oh." Sighing at his own ignorance, he directs his voice to Ferb again as he says, "You didn't actually build all that, did you?"

Ferb sits up slowly and turns to Phineas with his signature deadpan glare, the silent, biting sarcasm undermined significantly by the tears still falling from his eyes. Phineas hums concernedly. "Is that what you were trying to tell me?" he asks. Ferb gets partway through rolling his eyes before giving up and returning to the fetal position.

Phineas sighs sadly. He hates seeing his brother cry. There's nothing he wants to do more than pull him into the tightest hug he can manage, but he knows Ferb won't appreciate being touched in this state, so he opts to fiddle with his shirt again to keep his hands busy. "Who do you think did build that stuff?" he asks. Ferb doesn't care. On any other day, a secret spy lair being hidden under his house would be cause for immeasurable excitement, but after the day's events he's thoroughly sick of thinking about the subject. Phineas picks up on Ferb's antipathy towards the question and, sensing that it might be a sore topic for some time, decides not to bring it up again for a while. He'll satisfy his curiosity sometime when it doesn't come at the expense of Ferb's comfort.

An uncomfortable silence falls over the boys. It's broken when Ferb suddenly sniffles loud enough to make Phineas jump, sits up again, and halfheartedly tries to wipe the tears from his face. "Oh geez, hold on," Phineas says, leaning over to rummage through his short pockets. He eventually pulls out a wad of tissues, somehow unaffected by the earlier impromptu dive into Isabella's pool. He offers them with a gentle "here you go" to Ferb, who takes a few silently and scrubs at his eyes.

While he still doesn't feel good by any stretch of the definition, Ferb at least doesn't feel completely awful anymore. What was once a violent hurricane in his mind has receded enough that he can focus on the world around him without breaking down, at least for the time being, and he's left feeling just drained. He balls up his handful of tissues and tosses them at the bin under his desk. The ball makes it to Phineas' leg before unceremoniously bouncing to a stop. Phineas picks it up and throws it the rest of the way to the trash, standing up to do so.

Rather than sit down again, he kneels down and pulls out one of the drawers conveniently built into the bed. Ferb watches inquisitively, still too out of it to immediately catch onto what's happening. Phineas rummages a little before finally pulling out a pair of pyjamas, suggesting, "You should dry off and change your clothes." He pauses to think. "Can you make it downstairs to the bathroom by yourself?" he asks. At any other time, it would be a silly question, but Ferb is always exhausted after a meltdown. The visible effort it's taking him just to stay upright isn't lost on Phineas. Ferb ponders the question, then gives a tentative nod. He's definitely shaky, but he really wants to change into something dry.

"Great!" Phineas smiles encouragingly. "Should I bring the usual stuff to the living room? Your bed's probably not gonna feel comfortable until it dries out." Ferb glances down at the unmistakable damp silhouette of where he had been lying earlier and nods again, more confidently. He slowly gets to his feet, first pushing against his bed for support, then grasping the hand Phineas offers him. He lets go once he's certain he's regained his balance, and only then does Phineas hand him his pyjamas. "I'll come meet you downstairs, okay?" Phineas says. Then, pulling at the bottom of his shirt, which is still a bit soggy despite his best efforts to towel it off, he adds, "I should probably change into something dry as well."

---

Ferb rubs his eyes as he comes out of the bathroom, his drenched clothes swapped out for his much more comfortable pyjamas. He's stopped crying, it seems, but he's still feeling sensitive enough that the light from outside bothers him. He's relieved to discover that it's much darker in the living room - Phineas must have been here already. The curtains are drawn so that the lamp on the end table is the only light source in the room, softly illuminating its surroundings with a pleasant warm glow. He doesn't have the energy to analyse the entire room, even in these far more bearable conditions, but his attention is drawn to his favourite weighted blanket folded neatly on the couch. He sits down and drags the blanket over him, struggling a bit with the weight, but relaxing once he feels its reassuring pressure on his legs.

It's as he's settling into his position on the couch that Phineas enters with an "Oh, there you are, Ferb!". Perry is firmly but comfortably wedged under one of his arms, like a fuzzy teal football or loaf of bread, and seems altogether unbothered by his position. Ferb gasps quietly at the sight of Perry, his eyes brightening momentarily, and reaches out for him with various soft noises of urgency. Phineas wastes no time in setting Perry down next to Ferb, and the platypus reacts with a gentle, almost soothing chatter. Ferb instinctively mimicks the sound under his breath, and Perry responds with a nearly identical noise. Ferb echoes it again, slightly louder this time, and his face lights up with a weak smile, the first one he's managed all day.

Taking this as a sign of progress, Phineas sighs with relief as he sits on the sofa. He makes sure to maintain a respectful distance from Ferb, who's running a hand through Perry's fur as they echo the same low growling noise back at each other. (It pains Phineas not to join in, but he senses the two have gotten themselves into a groove that would be rude to interrupt.) Ferb's smile fades almost as soon as it appears, but he seems much more relaxed after the change in clothes and scenery. His hair is sticking up in every direction from being towelled dry, and Phineas stifles a laugh at how silly it looks. The back-and-forth chattering eventually dies down, and it's only then that Phineas continues. "Mom's gonna make you some tea, and she says if you aren't feeling better by dinner you can eat in here if you want," he says. Ferb turns to him and raises a thumbs-up briefly before returning his hand and focus to Perry.

Phineas quietly watches his brother for a moment before speaking again. "Do you want me to stay?" he asks. Exactly how sociable Ferb is while he's coming out of a meltdown varies. He almost invariably needs some time on his own to mentally reset, but sometimes it helps if someone he trusts is there to reassure him for a while first. In Phineas' experience, asking is always the best way to tell.

Ferb hesitates for a second, then surprises both of them with his answer, which is to turn and collapse into Phineas' lap with one arm hooked over his legs in a sort of pseudo-hug. Phineas tenses up, not sure how to react. He cautiously puts an arm around Ferb, in a comforting gesture that doesn't fully subject him to the overwhelming sensory experience of a true hug. Ferb doesn't fight it, just repositions himself so that he's lying down with Phineas as a makeshift pillow and sinks further into the gentle embrace. Phineas laughs softly. "Okay, I guess you do."

This is nice, Ferb thinks. Definitely an improvement over violently sobbing alone in his room. Perry must be feeling relaxed too, because he climbs onto Ferb's stomach, circles a few times, lets out one more chatter, then flops down and goes to sleep, purring gently. Phineas giggles at the platypus' behaviour, and Ferb's shoulders shake in silent laughter - his blanket absorbs enough of the sensation that it just tickles. Watching Perry doze off reminds him that he's still exhausted, despite the positive change in environment, and his attempt to stifle a yawn fails. He's still on high alert, and he knows he won't be sleeping for longer than a few minutes until the emotional clutter completely drains from his mind. With that said, both the blanket and Perry weighing down on him make for a pretty cosy combination, and he finds himself fighting to keep his eyes open. Maybe just a moment of rest will be good for him.

Before he knows it, his eyes are closed, and he's powerless to prevent himself from drifting off. Phineas accepts his new career as a pillow without comment, simply adjusting his right hand so that both his arms are positioned protectively around his brother. Being trapped in place for the time being doesn't worry him. Ferb won't mind being stirred awake when their mom arrives with his tea, and until then Phineas can easily occupy himself with thoughts of what to do tomorrow. Besides, he can subject himself to a few minutes of quiet if that's what Ferb needs. What kind of a brother would he be if he couldn't, right?

Ferb half-consciously brings a hand to Phineas' wrist, as if it'll float off if he isn't holding on. He can feel his brain shutting down, and he welcomes the change. The last thing he's aware of before his consciousness finally leaves him in peace for a moment is the sound of Phineas' voice, promising him, "You're gonna be okay."

[thinkingisadangerouspastime]

I just want to say, before I say anything, I'm not accusing you of saying this and I understand that you feel how you feel. I'm just asking this in a very general way and was wondering your thoughts. Why is it so verboten to think Zuko might have had a slight crush on Katara? There seems to be a rush to not just deny it but to treat it like it's some sort of horrible thing to even suggest it and I'm not sure why that is?

Katara is presented as a beautiful, lively girl who is a powerful bender. Why wouldn’t Zuko be a little starry eyed over that? It doesn’t mean she likes him back. Idk, I’m not exactly sure where my point is, except that being shouted down for just advancing the idea that maybe Zuko had the hots for Katara is a little frustrating? I’m not saying he was wacking off in his bunk thinking about her or expected to get some while they were hunting Yon Rha.

Also, unrequited crushes happen in ATLA-verse? Toph/Sokka anyone? Why does that never get screeched on but saying “Hey, Zuko loved Mai but he was probably looking at Katara and thinking ‘noice!’ a couple of times” the worst thing in the world? Is it the Water Tribe/Fire Nation thing? I mean, if it’s that, I wish people would just say that and stop screaming at people for their headcanons and whatnot. [theend]

Lol do not worry anon I know this isn’t an accusation!! Not only have I myself never perpetuated this rhetoric, but I don’t think I’ve really heard it before! Maybe once or twice?? I might just keep to chill parts of fandom, lmao, and that’s why I’m not very familiar with it. But I’ll do my best to theorize what may spark conflict based on the info you provided me!

(I’ve talked very briefly here about Zuko having/not having a crush on Katara before, if you were wondering.)

My main guess is that it’s not the headcanon itself that makes people frustrated, but how some shippers probably treat the HEADcanon as canon-canon (not an issue exclusive to Zvtara, btw; all big fanon ships have this problem - Zvkka, anyone? lmao). I don’t think there’s anything inherently wrong with headcanoning that Zuko had a crush on Katara! But in that same vein, there’s nothing inherently wrong with others acknowledging that the headcanon has no basis in canon either, if that makes sense. And headcanons don’t need canon basis! Headcanons are fanon! That’s why they’re so much fun! I ship Kuzaang like there’s no tomorrow, but I can also acknowledge that there wasn’t anything in canon that demonstrated Aang having a crush on Kuzon. Kuzaang is strictly fanon, and I love that about the pairing! It means I have incredible free reign, hehe.

But yeah. I don’t think it has anything to do with their different nations! Like I said - it’s probably solely an issue of some shippers (and undoubtedly just a loud minority) treating the headcanon as canon.

I don’t think saying “Hey, Zuko loved Mai but he was probably looking at Katara and thinking ‘noice!’ a couple of times” is the worst thing in the world, lmao. I do want to make a distinction here, though; this example you provide is actually an example of aesthetic attraction, which is not the same as a crush (crushes are indicative of romantic attraction)! So saying/headcanoning that Zuko thought Katara was pretty (as anyone with a brain would say, let’s be real) does not actually equate to him having a crush on her.

But back to the crush headcanon. I mentioned that I (personally!) don’t think it has canon basis. I will admit that I am not alloromantic, so crushes in themselves are a little confusing to me (I mean,, people just randomly like someone?? based on their appearance?? without even knowing them?? hell nah), but even disregarding that, I don’t think it would make much sense within canon for Zuko to have had a crush on Katara.

Again, disclaimer: there’s nothing wrong with the headcanon! Fanon is meant to contradict canon! To expand canon! To rewrite canon! Fanon is transformative. That’s the entire purpose of fanon. Go wild with that headcanon!! Make art!! Produce fics!! Support content creators!! Hell yeah!!

So what do I mean when I say that I personally feel there’s no canon basis for Zuko having a crush on Katara? Well, for one, he joined the Gaang in episode 12 of Book 3. That’s episode 52 of 61 overall. So in everything prior to that, Zuko not only has no idea who Katara is but he is also neck-deep in imperialistic rhetoric (you know, racism, superiority complexes, all that jazz. not fun for anyone non-FN). No possible crush there. In “The Western Air Temple” episode itself, Katara (understandably) threatens Zuko. She means what she says, and I think Zuko recognizes that. A crush there wouldn’t make sense - they’ve only properly met this second time and Katara (understandably) hates Zuko’s guts for what he’s done to the Gaang and to her personally.

Episode 53 is “The Firebending Masters” - Zuko’s too hung up on his firebending not working to think about anything else (Katara obviously still does not trust him yet, either, meaning Zuko is pretty much on edge around her. again, she threatened him, and Zuko no doubt took her threat seriously).

54 and 55 are “The Boiling Rock” episodes; not only are these Maiko-heavy but also in general… I mean, Katara’s not really in them. At least not from Zuko’s POV. So nothing implies a crush there. And then after those episodes, it’s worth considering that Zuko probably thinks Mai is dead. That he left her, the girl he loves, to die at Azula’s hands. We know Zuko tends to hold guilt to his chest, so concluding he blamed himself for Mai’s “death” is not illogical. Why would he all of sudden switch his sights to Katara, even if it was just a simple crush? While he’s grieving? That doesn’t track to me.

And then, of course, “The Southern Raiders.” This episode has been talked about to death, so I’ll keep it brief, lmao. I will draw attention to only one line, spoken by Zuko:

This isn’t fair! Everyone else seems to trust me now! What is it with you?

As we all know, TSR was not a flattering episode for Zuko. He was a racist asshole to Aang and - as aforementioned - acted as if he was entitled to Katara’s trust. Obviously, Zuko grows through the episode, and we see by the end that he respects Aang’s wisdom and respects Katara’s decision to walk away from Yon Rha (which is awesome!! I adore this brief but incredibly crucial arc of his!!). But my point is that nothing demonstrates romantic interest from Zuko to Katara. If anything, his initial motives are pretty damn selfish (i.e. demanding her to trust him because he feels like he “deserves” it already).

Emphasis on “initial” motives, of course. Obviously he grows more sincere!! (Tis the point of the episode for Zuko.)

So they end TSR on new, peaceful terms. Personally, I don’t think their relationship would be magically sunshine and roses after that (Zuko did some fucked up shit to the Gaang, lmao), but I do think things are getting better between them! Still, there is nothing indicative of a canon crush.

Next episode, in EIP, they scoot away from each other at the possibility of being together, yk? That doesn’t mean they hate each other’s guts, lmfao, but EIP is meant to depict imperialist Fire Nation propaganda - who wouldn’t be uncomfortable with that? Like, the entire Gaang is demeaned in that play. There’s nothing romantic about it. It’s a similar situation later with June - this is a lady that doesn’t know anything remotely personal about Zuko or Katara. Of course they’d react in a horrified and flustered manner when this - for all intents and purposes - total stranger suggests that they’re together! That’s creepy as hell! Definitely not indicative of a crush, lmao. And considering that the Gaang never teases Zuko about having a crush on Katara (compared to how I think Toph teases Katara about Haru?), i.e. the people who know them the best, there’s no reason for the audience to think anything is going on between them.

For other references, here are a few addressing EIP, June, etc.

And after all that… Well, now we’re in the finale. What time is there for romance? There’s a reason the canon couples don’t reunite until after the war is won! (Minus Sukka, I guess, but they’re not professing their love on the battlefield, per se, lmao.) Zuko chooses Katara to go with him because she’s a powerful waterbender and the only person who’s been able to handle Azula in the past (besides Aang, arguably, who’s obviously occupied with Ozai), not because he “likes” her in a romantic sense.

All of this is to say that to me, Zuko having a crush on Katara is strictly fanon. Which is awesome! Fanon is fantastic, and I actually really like these types of headcanons (like, Teo having a crush on Aang? GOOD SHIT). Some people are just jerks about it. That said, I can still understand why people might get frustrated by those who preach this headcanon as if it’s pulled straight from the text itself. I absolutely think it’s ridiculous to harass others over a headcanon (which unfortunately you see on both sides of the ship war), but in that same vein - of course it’s frustrating when those loud few act like their fanon is canon and proceed to shove it down others’ throats, lmao. It’s an imperfect situation, basically.

TL;DR - The headcanon in itself is great, and no one should be getting freaking harassed over it. But it is strictly fanon, so when some shippers treat it like canon, that’s understandably going to frustrate the rest of the fandom. Headcanons are a double-edged sword, lmao.

So that’s my personal theory as to why people get pressed over this headcanon. If anyone else has a different idea, please feel free to rb/comment with it!

[yamagucji]

a series of thank you’s i’ve been meaning to give for a while now. please note i couldn’t get everyone bc im smol brained and im forgetful :(( also its vedy long so i added a readmore link but if it’s okay then i can remove it!

i would’ve preferred to go to your inboxes/dm’s but im scared t🤢umblrs going to glitch on me if i do it again a ha ha

@doublemoons

i remember you sent in my first ever request and i was SO happy like🥺 my account had no visibility on week 1 but then you somehow found my blog and since then you’ve been supporting me. i love the aesthetic of your blog and i always look forward to your rb’s because they so cute and insightful !! ik we haven’t talked much but i definitely perceive u as a gentle person here’s 1k hearts for you and you only <3

@insanityqueen

please i was *intense squealing* and *happy noises* when you said you wanted to be mutuals :’) im definitely uhhh way too immature for u but you still stick with all the caps and !!! i send you😭 you’re such an interesting, talented person. day 1 you got me HOOKED with your art and im gonna say this again,, i have never seen skin look soo s o f t painted. im really grateful for your company and all your cats and the hinata art you made me🥺 i am not still thirsting over it i swear and then you sent me pieces of your writing and i def expected hc’s but then BOOM🧍‍♀️ im so amazed by your writing. also you are vv pretty i hope you know that

@zephyrria

matching heart memes matching heart memes😾 i don’t talk to you as much but our main form of communication is literally exchanging heart memes w/o a word,,, if that isn’t true love idk what is :// anyway i love our little convos so much it always brightens my day! and omg lets not forget when you made me a drabble back😳 like wha- HUH !! i was so touched i rlly went boom boom woosh bc no ones ever written me one back and i!! that yamaguchi gives me so much comfort. you give me sm comfort, thank you bub <3

@beanst0ck

hehe my first tumblr crush😼 as soon as i deactivated my reading account to my a writing blog i was like “ok bean is on my top to-follow list” like i thought you were so cool and i was vv shy to interact with you🥺 and YOU STILL ARE COOL!! your works are really amazing and i am vv much still in love w my matchup w suga :’)

@killuababie

HHHH GRR BORK BORK I LUB U B NEVER GONNA STOP LOVING YOU BHH💓✨ bro,,,, when we switched over to insta it was WILD like— our sense of humor? matched. immaculate. please i love seeing all the memes u send me it makes my day so much like u don’t understand😭 and our convos really go chaos sometimes gkfjdj i love it. u need to pull up and play among us w me sometime 😡

@bewwybun

m-my first spouse🥺 even tho it was a joke the first time and i said sike fkdjdjdj but you still accepted my dino chimken nuggie ring hehe <3 bub your are literally the CUTEST HHHHH LIKE,,, cuteness overload !!! i love talking to you sm and our little exchange of heart memes make the butterflies in my tummy go ✨

@mei-writes

may🥺 imy bub i hope you’re doing well and taking good care of yourself. still very grateful for that time you pulled through to check which of my links weren’t working. and there’s a LOT. like the fact that you took time out of your day for me still baffles me. anyway im lomve you ik we don’t talk as much but you’re still a valued moot to me. im offering u free headpats hehe

@kozsma

hi maria👉👈 you’re so wonderful and rlly amazing w your smaus. absolutely smitten over our chaotic conversations fkfjd we haven’t talked in a while but if you see this just know that i’m here for you <3 take some self care okay? hope you’re doing good bub

@tsukkeisimp

dalia, you wondering being💞 please what did i do to deserve your love >;( we don’t talk much but we have exchanged heart memes before and you’re always out here supporting me whenever you can and like!! tysm bub. i hope you’re feeling better from the last time we interacted, and please do take good care of yourself!

@satorispup

can’t believe you made a reputation of having a piss kink. what power. what energy >>> anyway it’s fun seeing your chaotic energy on my feed/tl. sometimes i won’t even look at the user and say yeah💔 that’s hero alright gkfjdj also you’re so cute what the heck😡😡

@tobiokvgs

[ insert 100 hearts ] this for u bub. im still going crazy over your tsukki lipbalm piece like i was so FLUSTERED you really did that huh😭 you’re so nice and sweet, ty for giving me headbonks as well im really glad to get them😌 hope you have an amazing day bub, and take care!!

@bunnyuuji

cutecutecutest bean ever🥺 you have such wonderful works and im truly in love with your writing😌 also you’re so SWEET WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE U GKFJDJ literally you weren’t obligated to stop by my ask and check in but u did >:(

@yanderepunkin

hehe ik we haven’t interacted in such a long time but im including you!! bc i appreciate you!! i know you’ve supported me a lot especially when i just started this blog and im really thankful for it. also uhhh im still not over accidentally turning off anon when i was- yeah😿 i wish you all the love in the world, and please do take gentle care of yourself 💓

@ahkaahshi

frannn👁👁🤲 yes im gonna start with how big brained you are. your passion for textiles and improving the environment is vv cool to me. and then there’s the fact you write these hq characters so well. yes i am absolutely still living for your character analysis. i am thriving off of them!! here’s me manifesting kita and/or sakusa to show up in your dreams hehe

@sachirou-senpai

i hope you dont mind me sending u stuff every now and then! anyway im in awe of your writing and art skills. you brought a realistic yamaguchi and i ascended😳 i genuinely think you’re such a cool person but also please take breaks!! ik it’s such an overused phrase but i genuinely mean it. i care u <3

@kenmakodzu

you’re so sweet and you do really be sending me back some heart memes😳 i go BOOM BOOM yaya that’s more to my collection;) also you and your hq anon interactions go WILD omg it really does make my day more interesting whenever i see them😂 also i do be seeing some of ur chaotic energy on my dash and i am HERE for it

@tsukkisbean

hemlo clara🥺 d-do you remember me gkdjshsjs i think its been a while since we interacted. you’re so sweet and AHH lmao did u know we were in a poly with wiss😔💔 yeah❤️ n e way i hope you’ve been alright these past few weeks, and if not, please get some break!

@atsunflower

miya twin supremacy😡 can’t believe you made me swerve over to osamu’s lane because of your amazing writing. how could you. the mf audacity. i rlly do fell in love with that piece do so THAMK U and that also goes for the support you’ve given me💗

@lespaghetti

ozzy👁👁🤝 ngl our conversations have been top tier im glad i got to uhmm,,, get some of these *thoughts* out of my head. you’re such a sweet little bean!!! that art/sketch you did with the purple (?) themed uniforms was really cute. im glad to have u as my moot and *cough* my vip reader *cough*

@sleepykarabou

our heart meme streak was strong until school happened😔 but i really enjoy them tho!! it’s very calming talking to you (fun, but also vv calming idk that’s how i feel) loving the brainrots we give each other of our favs from time to time :’) also omg OSRRY im barely active in the server please spare me😿 im lomve u

@nerdybreadcollaborative

gee!! AHHHH KGFJJD GRRR u sweet bean oh my goodness. where do i start- ??? i’ve already gushed so much abt your writing but here we go again; i love your writing so much and your attention to the little details is so great. they flow so well and i hope u get more visibility bc it’s what u deserve!! also please take care of yourself and don’t work too much u nerdy bean

@nishinoya-is-baby

ely my plant kinnie, my spouse (?) and also the blog that i dump my h word thots on😭❤️ ahhh im lomve you, you’re amazing. from your writing, to your makeup skills, and your room, the talent really ✨jumped out✨thank you for supporting me so much, i genuinely appreciate it. i hope we can stay moots despite me being busy gkfjdj anyway take care bbie don’t work too much okay?

@art0saurus

TATE😤 the amount of hq brainrot you’ve fed me is astronomical. idk how you keep coming up with such good ideas but im all for them!! i love your writing so much and the plots are so *chefs kiss* (yes im still gushing over mermaid!bokuto). thank you so much for sending some bits of positivity into my life, im really grateful for it :’)

@dorkyhaikyu

EL!😼 you sweet bean. wish i could bombard ur asks but school is saying no </3 you’re such a sweet mutual and your writing is absolutely amazing. still kinda hurt over that angst u made💔 but anyway i loved it sm. also please wear safer shoes next time on big events so u dont get any more BLISTERS kgjdjdh jkjk

@chickenwingspiker

nashnashnash🥺👉👈 wth you’re so cute and even cuter with the little emoticons u put in my asks. i really appreciate you taking time out of your day to check in on me. i think your works are really heckin cool, im still very into that sock agenda one and the akaashi fic AHH i love them sm. i hope that u have better experiences with online learning and i really wish you all the best on ur art journey <3

@miyastrology

did u forget abt our walk to the strawberry field😿 jkjk heyyy atlas!! im lomve your theme and your writing. i have the urge to say you’re as sweet as strawberry bc im unoriginal like that💔 let’s just pretend i put something kute :’( n e way u are vv cute, make sure to take care of yourself ok!!

@derpeedoo

your rb’s and comments on ppl works... i just... my heart is full. im complete. i go absolute doki doki for you. you’re such a genuine person and you give people so much love❤️ here’s an unlimited supply of my love to you bc you deserve it. ty for all the cute questions btw🥺

🕊 anon - still wondering if ur one of my already-moots or not😳 but anyway dove anon i have a lot to say,,, like how ?? do u go “ok let’s check in on aaron today hehe” like am i interesting??😭 i feel kinda bad ngl you really don’t have to talk to me. but nevertheless im really appreciate of all the support you’ve given me. i genuinely think you’re a cool person and you do all these fun stuff like photography which is amazing. here’s the biggest THANK YOU i could ever give <3 ps. your art is CUTE and AMAZING @bee-kins

@simping-for-tendou

do i??? spam your feed??😭 you’re always liking my posts and i feel so sorry for spamming but also vv appreciate of all the interaction i’ve had with you!! im very glad i got to ask you qotd and stuff because i got to know that you like plants as well!! thank you for sharing plant facts with me, it really made my day. i genuinely think you’re such an awesome and big brained person for knowing all those facts🥺👉👈

@wissaaltje

ngl i was very intimated by you bc of all your angst and really good works which is probably why i never reached out to you sooner😿 ur my uhhh third spouse <3 but anyway your CHAOTIC ENERGY is thru the roof i love that sm and your writing is so mf beautiful i wish more people got to see it😡 i will gib you flower soup and muddy pie to make you feel better ;) jkjk but you’re very amazing and i hope you know that!

@smolbludandelions

hehe you’re in here😼 thank you ???? for supporting me even tho you’re not obligated??? like wh- i- bub🥺🤲 you have all my heart and i rlly rlyy want to stop by your inbox and give you heart memes but me why >;( i hope you have the most amazing day(s) of your life because you deserve it SO much.

@tadashi-simp

FINALLY someone i can simp over yamaguchi with😭 ik we haven’t talked much but AH i love the conversations we’ve had so far and all that insight you gave me about the new wanda film (truly a blessing bc i was so genuinely confused gkfjdj).

@oikaw-ugh

just. JOLLIBEE. can’t believe one of our first interactions was u sending me chain mail smfh i cannot believe you😭 anyway po i appreciate you so much na kaka tawa ako sa mga msgs mo and all the good vibes u radiate. mag bisaya unta ko nimi pero baka mag nosebleed ako😿 im losing my native languages it’s not even funny anymore but when i got to talk to u in my mother tongue, i felt a bit more at home. thank you bub <3

@makemealive

hihi👉👈 idrk what we first talked about, i think it was spending vacation in the galapagos islands??😭 riding turtles??? what a great way to start our friendship :’) i rlly think you’re cool and i just,,,, admire u from afar- yeah. sorry this message is too chaotic but anyway u might not have a green thumb but look at you growing potatoes accidentally😌 anyway i think you’re cool i just haven’t said it before because im s Hy

@lostsealscreams

seal, bub, i genuinely care about you. you’re such a sweet person. i know we haven’t interacted much but im looking forward to more conversations with you!! please find little fun things to do... maybe do some self appropriation if you can, bc you deserve it. maybe even treat yourself... or any self care tasks that make you feel better. i care about you a lot, im just an ask/dm away if you wanna talk about anything at all💕💞✨

@hqgardenia - jkjk this is my spam account idk why i put this here but here probably bc im dumb as fuck

[weaselbeaselpants]

I have a lot to say and not enough time to say it. It hurts, but ya’ll know what this is about so if you want my full fandom retrospective opinion thing guys, here.

I’ve been following Vivienne’s art and career since I found her on dA in 2009. I’ve basically grown up with her and have a wide range of opinions up and down her collective work. I must stress that I do not know her as a person and no matter how critical I get in my personal time if I somehow met her in real life or converse with her online again (like, back in the day we went back and forth. She was pretty nice to me), I’d be humble and congratulate her for her success.

Critique does not, EVER equate to attacking people.

But

the reason I don’t call myself a VivziePopVivzmind-fan is the exact same as to why I don’t like the proud use of ‘anti’. Let me try and explain -

The vast majority of Viv fans are just that: fans. Viv’s one of their favorite artists and they’re happy for her and obviously defensive when some mouth breather pops into their fan discussion calling her and all of them trash. Quite a lot of the Hazbin fans I know in my circle of friends are all pretty accepting and agree on the problematic notions and implications of her work.

HOWEVER, there’s a vocal minority in the VivziePop fandom that were and still are toxic. Their specific interest in Viv back in the day was toxic...and now that she’s moved on into a successful career I doubt they’ve gone away, considering the things I’ve heard. These people - they’d flood Viv’s comments sections and stuff with messages like they were talking to her when they weren’t and they’d unironically call her a god in a way that feels like gaslighting, ex: “I’ll NEVER be as good as you Viv! My art is just sooooo unpopular oh god you are incredible no one will ever like you as much as meeeee”. It made me uncomfortable. It made me not want to be around her because these people took Viv’s role in their lives so seriously and their demand for her attention...it struck a nerve.

These same fans have been around long enough to see actual shitlords - the likes of Kiwifarms and tapatalk wikis - come in and actually harass Viv. Viv’s been sent revenge porn by sick freaks who think they’re funny and believe she deserves it. No. In my non-name fan bystander opinion, Viv’s got some shit to work on, but no one deserves raperevenge porn. EVER. It was genuinely bad and yes Viv and her base have every reason to NOT TRUST these communities. Unfortunately, when these incidents happened, these particular fans took it upon themselves to gatekeep the fandom and act like Viv’s unofficial guard against any kind of decenting opinion of her, all without her say so.

((to the critics who will be all “but Viv or Faust said THIS to their fans-”, like I said, Viv’s far from perfect but regardless of how much she prolly wanted people to side with her I’m gonna guess that she didn’t want people sending transphobic death threats to DollCreep. Again, and this is coming from a bystander here, I have a feeling Viv knows about some of the toxicity but doesn’t know how/want to address it - which is a conversation all it’s own.))

This particular breed of VivziePop “fan” holds so much toxicity in her fandom(s). They aren’t the only cause, but they’re there. They feel entitled to her attention and her approval. They creep me out. Having spoken to other much-less critical admitted fans of Viv around me, these fans appear to creep everyone else out and put the rest of the fandom on edge. They’re gatekeepers. They’re creeps. Like the bronies and SU fans of yestertodayyears, they know harassment exists and that people have crossed the line - so they think any means is necessary to prevent that is automatically good. I could pile together all the incidents and folks who’ve had bad runs ins with this aftershock of Viv-obsession, but I do have a life of my own and this post is already stupid long so I’ll just list out the biggest examples and provide receipts when asked.

Critical blogs have gotten RAPE and death threats because they don’t like Viv’s art. HonestZoophobiaCriticisms, a blog I interracted with back in the day, def got one. Now Viv’s opinion of crit-blogs is that they’re “bad takes” but I can assure you she doesn’t want that shit being said on her behalf.

I’ve seen young artists get blacklisted from sites and forums cause they so much as post a redesign. Viv and co get told through the grapevine that someone’s making hatespeech and so preemptively block said person (prolly cause they’re in the middle of WORKING and can’t deal right now) only to find out after the fact that no, it was just a kid drawing their version of her characters. There’s serious miscommunication issues within the fandom about who’s ‘good’ or ‘bad’ and once you get the actual staff involved in this game of telephone you’re begging for trouble. The problem acknowledged, however, it’s souly from the “Viv never did anything wrong camp”. No word is said about how ugly the fandom is under the surface it’s all one type of person’s fault and not complicated’. Blah

I’ve only ever had ONE obsessive ‘fan’ who’d stalk me, mock me, and then redraw my art just to get attention from me. That shit fucked with my head. As a follower hundreds of miles away from Viv who’s agreed/disagreed with her through the years - I absolutely believe her when she says she hates ‘creeps’ and that she doesn’t want anyone in her fandom spreading hate on her behalf. It’s the one thing about her I’m POSITIVELY sure of. Whether she believes that said underlying harassment exists and/or is even a problem within her fandoms is anyone’s guess. That’s not what I’m here for. I’m here to write stupid blog entries like this, talk about fandoms and media and how they and the real world affect one another, and rb fan art I like. I’m cautiously optimistic fan with a side of salt.

Mixed opinions and critique within a fandom CAN and SHOULD exist. Hazbin Hotel has been greenlit by a studio! It has a product line of merchandise you buy. Helluva Boss is getting eight more episodes this coming year (yeeee:3yeeee). Two of Viv’s properties are now products. Nothing is immune from critique. And in critique you will find a lot of people who are not ‘nice’. Critique or analysis doesn’t have to be nice. There will be, in Viv’s words’ ‘bad takes’ on her writing. Maybe they will be actual CinemaSins-styled bad takes or maybe Viv is just mad that people don’t love and feel inspired by her characters the way she wants them to - it’s a fact she’s going to have to get used to.

((TBH, I’m pretty sure she’s already realized that criticism of all types need to exist. It’s just that, again, her and the SpindleHorse staff are kind of overwhelmed by all matter of takes and opinions coming their way they kinda can’t deal weeding out the fair ones from the assholes, so she lumps them all together.))

Shitposters, ironic fans, unironic fans, critical fans, just critics of Hazbin and Helluva CAN and WILL exist. They should exist and not feel threatened by the megafandom. There are people out there who are one step further and rightfully bothered by Hazbin/Helluva’s use of incorrect symbols, portrayal of certain topics, and the response by creators. These people have strong opinions and are actually disgusted by Viv. They deserve to exist too and should not be vilified because, like me, they’re commentary doesn’t consist of anything personal towards the people at Spindlehorse or the fans of her works. They can rant, they can be professional, they can be petty and they can be fair. But they will exist. You have to deal with it.

I am an ADD/OCD ridden autistic woman with serious anxiety issues who has no one to talk to half the time and so only HAS my fandom to communicate with. But that’s just it - it’s a fandom. A community. You have to learn to not think souly of yourself and of others in a community. A fandom doesn’t exist just for you or any one person. You have the right to be angry and defend or be offended. And it’s in the spirit of that that I ask, prrraaaaaay even, that I please

NOT BE CALLED AN “ANTI-ANTI” for not liking the moniker?!

I DON’T TO BE AN “ANTI”. Not ironically, not unironically. ‘Anti’ should be for politics and shit like pedophiles, necrophiles, nazis, serial killer stans, Trump, racists, antisemites, terfs, animal abusers, rapists, and antivaxxers. Anti should only come into critical media analysis when these ethical issues follow suit IN TO fandom discussion. ((EX: Anime and MLP proudly waving their cp and non-con into the public eye; Hazbin appropriating cultural symbols which are not satanic; Basically anything that concerns John K or Butch Hartman.))

If your DNI list unironically consists of the entirety of one fandom:  CONGLATURATIONS! You have done the exact same thing these particular creepy Viv fans have done: monopolize the conversation. And yes, people I’m referring to, IT’S STILL A PROBLEM EVEN IF YOU’RE FIGHTING RACISM/SEXISM/HOMOTRANSPHOBIA.

There are hundreds of Vivziefans who ARE more critical, accepting of faults, interested in discussion and especially rewrite and redesign stuff who would LOVE to engage with you and give you a follow. There’s hundreds of people who no doubt agree with you!

But the thing I’ve seen these very proud AntiHazbinVivzieHelluvaWhatever blogs do is lash out at fans for continuing to like Viv and consume Viv’s art in a healthy way. What the actual fuck is your problem?

I get it. Say a crazy Hazbin fan gets on your case for even SUGGESTING Viv could be homophobic ((”SHE’SBIANDWORKSWITHGAYPPLblahablahblah”)). They get in your face, make some callouts, try to rile up support against you, leave disgusting harassment throughout your social media? Absolutely ban worthy. After that it’s perfectly understandable why you don’t want to engage with anything HHHBZPVivzierelated because you’re so fucking tired of being labeled an abuser or “just jealous” for having an opinion on a show you don’t like. I’m with you!

But,

A fan agrees that something in the canon is bad or that Viv did something they don’t like?

A fan likes your silly shitpost meme?

A fan asks if they can like Hazbin and follow you at the same time? 

A fan does fan art of something you don’t like?

If your response to any of these ^^^ things is to get LOUD and accusatory, Vivsplain them about how they’re an absolutely awful person to ever question YOUR opinion, or just block them without a second thought? You’re a petty, vendictive shit and you also need to learn to let things go. I’m sorry but you do. As I already said, Viv’s work is a brand at this point, not just the work of a singular person. As such, there are gonna be mixed opinions and you can’t judge every single one of these people by what they like. You’re a shitty critic with a shitty attitude and yes that will demean the value of what you’re saying. This is bad because, if you’re trying to point out how Angel Dust’s abuse IS handled terribly; gay rep in Viv’s work is weak and terrible; the show appropriates closed practices; the fandom makes excuses for predatory artists and creepy behavior and individuals who have sketchy pasts - I’M WITH YOU. WE NEED TO BE TALKING ABOUT THIS SHIT. JUST BECAUSE THESE ARE ADULT CARTOONS SET IN HELL MEANS THERE SHOULD BE ANYTHING CLOSE TO 2013 PONY-TUMBLR. <<<---- this shit is as important to me as it is to you and I really don’t like being called an abuser or apologist for saying “hey maybe blowing up at ppl for the shows they like ISN’T the way to go about this”. 

But I have, just like the good old days of 2015 Zoophobia of yore, been blocked because I admit to being tired of ‘Anti’ being equated to ‘critical’. Same with hater.

Critical DOES NOT = Anti+Hater. I’m fucking tired of people saying it does and I’m tired of people taking up the term as some weird form of fandom reappropriation. It’s stupid.

Tl;dr: Once upon a time, I was in a budding fandom for something I liked made by an indie artist I watched on dA. I wanted to be a bigger fan than I was already, but was told by toxic people within said fandom that I couldn’t be part of it for reasons they’d made up in their head about my ‘motives’ against Viv. My admiration for Viv or what I liked about Zoophobia didn’t matter because I thought the story was really rushed and people weren’t being truthful with how they really felt about it - ergo, I HAD TO GO. 

Flash forward 8 years later- My opinion of Viv’s body of work has changed but I still find myself in love with her style and some of her characters. I want to be on a forum or service that gives a healthy look at the problems there are with this series and fandom...and I’m met repeatedly by petty bs where people are again at each other’s throats. And yes, I do think it’s causing more harm than good especially when you insist there’s a “x person shouldn’t be trusted” mentality when fighting actual fucking racist, xenophobic, predatory bullshit.

[seance]

2020 content creator tag

RULES: answer the questions and then tag 10+ other creators to answer the questions! 

finally got around to do this, terribly late i know and i’m sorry but i swear i wasn’t ignoring all the incredibly talented people who tagged me! thank you so so much for thinking of me guys ♡ probably lost some @ in the process cause my notifs are a mess. @goinesjennifer @juliesmolina @faeryglass @almondchestnut @olisgifs @andyoudoctor @yenvengerberg @iridescentides @juliesmolinas 

first creation and most recent creation of 2020: god, i already said this but giffing really became my #1 coping mechanism this year so i have a LOT of stuff just from this year. the first one is this THE WITCHER INTRO CARDS gifset and the most recent is actually my julie’s gifset from yesterday but i’m not satisfied with it so! i’m gonna say this KLAUS AND FIVE PARALLELS gifset instead.

one of your favorite creations from 2020: oof, this is super difficult because i get attached to most of my creations, even if they don’t come out as i initially hoped. i’ll go with this five gifset BIRDS HOVER THE TRAMPLED FIELD just because it’s a perfect example of a rare occurrence aka when both my inspiration and my vision and my skills align and i manage to create something exactly how i first imagined it. and also because i think there’s not better fitting poem for this man.

a creation you’re really proud of: i have a few but maybe this ODE TO NUMBER FIVE gifset just because i had a very specific vibe i wanted to give off and i think i managed alright with the colors, texture and design choices! and then i can’t not mention this YOU WERE ALWAYS GOLD TO ME gifset just because i literally poured all my heart into it. this song and these people mean so so much to me.

a new style you tried this year and a gifset that uses it: my style really evolved at the speed of light starting july and i still can’t believe the things i learned once i just let myself try. i keep having new ideas and trying really hard not to dismiss them and see if they work out, telling myself it’s okay if they don’t! i think this ALLISON HARGREEVES gifset basically has it all: the blending, the font work, the shape play. or even this JATP + BODIES OF WATER type of style, complex blending such as this one WILLEX SUPERSTAR is slowly becoming my trademark and i’m not mad about it, i love playing around with fonts like i did in this ALEXREGGIE gifset even if i know it gets really crowded and hard to read sometimes, or even with lines and block of colors like i did here JATP BORN FOR THIS, i finally got back to play around with textures JATP SCRAPBOOK and even JATP DISCOGRAPHY i also tried my hand at creating entire new “atmospheres” playing with specific visual choices like i did in the HARGREEVES AS PARANORMAL INVESTIGATORS set.

your favorite coloring: okay you guys know coloring is easily my favorite thing to do in the world and i’m usually pretty proud of every outcome because i remember how difficult it was for me, for years i thought i would never learn but i still did it, all by myself just keeping trying like a madwoman lmao basically all my the umbrella academy gifset are my pride and joy because did you see that show? how shitty the lighting is? gifmakers need a miracle every single time. so i’m gonna list a few that i still look at fondly ♥

THE SEVEN HARBINGERS OF THE APOCALYPSE

WILLIE AND CALEB 

YOU CAN SET YOURSELF FREE (HARGREEVES)

SEASON ONE FAVORITE EPISODE

ALWAYS GOLD TO ME

THE OLD GUARD + RICHARD SIKEN

a creation that took you forever: basically everything i do ahah just because one way or another i always get stuck on something for hours at end be it the fonts or the colors or the scene choices. but i’d say this STRONGER + HAGREEVES SIBLINGS gifset just because my inspiration went off and i decided i wanted to try a bunch of different techniques all at once and my brain didn’t let me rest until i did it all. to think it all started with just that “everyone will know me by a different name” line, oh my god.

your creation from 2020 that received the most notes: this VANYA + HER SIBLINGS LOVE gifset with 15.406 notes that i kinda hate because what’s up with that font? and the ugly coloring?! totally gonna remake this one because they deserve far better.

a creation you think deserved more notes: oh my god deep down i want to be selfish and say so many because that number never really match the effort i  put in most of my gifs but i’ve also learned not to get too bitter about that, few people rb it, even fewer people comment on it but those people are worth more than anyone else. if i had to chose i’d say either the ALWAYS GOLD TO ME set just because it means so much to me, this ALEXREGGIE set that was so fun to make and i love how the colors and the font work came out, this VANYA + EMPATHY set, and this SWEETIE LITTLE JEAN one.

a creation with a favorite scene/quote: i rarely do actual, canonical quotes and i never use just one scene gsjds- so i’ll go with this DIEGO + LOVE FOR HIS FAMILY one even if i don’t like the font and again ALEX&REGGIE being themselves.

a new fandom you joined and a creation you made for it: considering i was already the umbrella academy and the witcher obsessed i’d say the old guard (YOU KNOW ME WELL) and julie and the phantoms (FAVORITE FRIENDSHIP)

a creation you made that breaks your heart: oh, if you know me even one bit you also know i thrive on angsty feelings, they’re usually my main inspiration not gonna lie so choosing is not that simple! again, this KLAUS AND FIVE parallels gifset because of the sheer tragedy of their lives, this SWEETIE LITTLE JEAN five gifset, this KLAUS HARGREEVES one and this I WANNA BE NUMB AGAIN, this DEAR FORGIVENESS, YOUR BOOKER because this man is a walking tragedy (and this PIECES OF ME DIE ALL THE TIME too for good measure) and then this HARGREEVES SIBS + DAUGHTER gifset.

a ‘simple’ creation that you really love: i have brainworms and once i’ve learned how to do something i never manage to come back to the things i did before so i’ve rarely made “simpler” things lately. maybe this JATP + TIMES OF DAY still qualify.

a creation that was inspired by another one (add both your creation and the one that inspired it!): this FAVORITE JATP CHARACTERS with the circle text inspired by this gifset by the loml @evakant // this JATP ROLES with the triangles technique inspired by this work of art by @anya-chalotra and this WARRIOR JULIE set with the text layout inspired by a lovely gifset that now seems to be deleted :(

a favorite creation created by someone else: i love everything my mutuals make but there are some people who really pushed me to always learn more and their gifs are still my absolute favorite thing to date. for example: this THE OLD GUARD TAROTS set by @milkovivhs // this incredible HARGREEVES SIBLINGS one by @yenvengerberg // this GERALT OF RIVIA masterpiece by @anya-chalotra // this CROWLEY set by the queen of colors herself @meliorn

some of your favorite content creators from the year: really too many to count, my mutuals inspire me every single day, the keep my creativity alive and seeing their creations on my dash is always such a treat! so, all the above for sure and then: i‘m stupidly proud of @sunsetscurving i saw her grow into the giffing process with such speed and such vision, everything she does is so pretty, but all my mutuals are incredibly talented. they don’t do anything half-assed, everything they do perfectly mirrors their efforts! @captainheroism @emeraldphantoms @nora-reid @amandaseyfried @rockyblue @juliesmolina @juliesmolinas @lettersdeeplyworn @jakeperalta @kennyortegas @merceralexs @alexreggieluke @calebcovington @andyoudoctor @almondchestnut @iridescentides @number5theboy @evakant

 and for good measure, another a couple more creations of yours that you love: excluding all the above i’ll go with

JATP FAVORITE QUOTE  

HARGREEVES AS GREEK DEITIES 

YOU ARE HERE TO RISK YOUR HEART

THE JATP GEMSTONE SERIES x / x

SOBRIETY IS OVERRATED

AMOR C’HA NULLO AMATO

IF MEMORIES COULD BLEED

this took me so long that everyone else already did it before me so i don’t think i can tag anyone, if you’re reading this and feel like doing it please feel free!

[birlcholtz]

fic prompt idea: nurseydex football/soccer au. [lowkey] rivals to friends to lovers.

i can’t tell if you meant one of them plays football and one of them plays soccer or if u were just trying to cover ur bases regardless of what i call that sport?? i’m gonna assume the latter but i don’t know shit about soccer so if anyone who does wants to rb and add more accurate stuff PLEASE DO lol.

and im also throwing this out into the world as a prompt for a legit fic since im doing more of a bullet point thing-- if u want to fic this then hell yeah do it and tag me!!

things i learned while doing some google searches for this post: there are ELEVEN players per team on the field at once??? what the FUCK

okay so they’re on the soccer team. after about 3 minutes of research i’ve decided they’re both fullbacks, and as nursey and dex do, they hate each other pretty much as soon as they open their mouths. and they are both extremely irritated by how well they work together (side note: do soccer players get grouped up in the same way that hockey players do? like on SMH nursey and dex are a d-man pair. does that exist in soccer?)

and their raging dislike for each other obviously turns into a competitive streak when they’re playing. or at team hangouts. or at parties. or doing literally anything. (chowder: are u aware that whenever u do something mildly impressive u immediately look at him to make sure he noticed / nursey or dex: IT’S SO HE KNOWS I’M BETTER / chowder: sure)

this means that they absolutely do DUMB SHIT together all the time. ‘i can eat this froyo faster than you’ ‘that’s not fair you got yours first you had more time’ ‘oh really and you’re just gonna give up??’ ‘fuck you no i’m not watch how fast i can eat this *immediate brain freeze*’

and somehow this turns into.... kind of enjoying each other’s company? the antagonism becomes less antagonistic and a lot friendlier and they both start to figure out where the bounds are (dex learns not to dare nursey to do things if he’s drunk because he WILL do them and dex WILL have to take him to student health. similarly, nursey learns dex has no sense of physical safety when it comes to temperatures. he WILL pull a ‘it’s not that cold’ at literally any time even if he’s turning blue.)

at one point dex is definitely like hey nursey maybe if you wore cleats all the time you wouldn’t fall on your ass so much and nursey’s ‘fuck you’ is MUCH less heated than it would have been in their first semester

and for about six months, they’re great friends and chowder is delighted that he no longer has to deal with nursey and dex’s bullshit about each other

then, obviously, they fall for each other and chowder has to deal with their bullshit again sorry dude

so guess what happens? they never really *stopped* doing dumb shit together but now there’s a definite undercurrent of ‘IMPRESS’ happening and a lot less daring each other to do dumb shit that might actually like,, turn out badly? mostly it’s just ‘shit that will make you look stupid and then you’ll do it and you’ll definitely look stupid but it’ll be endearing and i’ll feel all gross and tender and regret it’

and at one point they win a game and nursey basically tackle hugs dex who promptly falls on his ass and literally the FIRST thing dex says is ‘huh i guess i was wrong about cleats keeping you from falling’ and nursey is seriously repressing all of the ‘falling for you’ comments he COULD be making so he’s like ‘well technically you were the one who fell’ and then something in dex’s face changes and he’s like ‘yeah i did’ and it’s probably a little more tender/fond than he intended and nursey internally is like hey what the FUCK was that

they’re definitely lying on the ground in the middle of the field right now. nursey is literally lying on top of dex face to face. it’s extremely gay

(chowder: oh my fucking god)

and of course nursey gets up and holds a hand out to dex to help him up and dex DEFINITELY yanks him onto the ground again and they’re both laughing and roughhousing and the ENTIRE REST OF THE TEAM IS LIKE wow. wow do they. do they realize. do they know what’s happening right now

(they figure it out eventually)

[pumpkinpaix]

Hello! and PSA

*waves* hi everyone! so uh, I’ve kind of had a bit of a surge in followers recently, and I thought I would make a bit of a PSA/intro post with a bit more targeted info than my about page.

anyways, I’m cyan! statistically speaking, you are probably here for one of the following reasons:

my fic

my meta

my gifs

my translation

all of the above

this is pretty much an mdzs blog on main these days, but I also rb a lot of other misc things because I have never been good at keeping my interests separate. it’s also my personal blog, so expect some of that? i am very all or nothing ahaha. my opinions change very quickly as I process new information, so like, something I said last week or yesterday might be different now! I’ve seen several people going through some of my older posts, and I’m just like oh dear, I said a lot of things six months ago that I no longer vibe with. /o\ please keep that in mind as you go diving in my blog!

i don’t have a BYF or DNI policy, but I reserve the right to block anyone for any reason because this is a personal blog first and foremost, and I do need to be better about setting my boundaries and curating my own online space! on that same token, you are free to follow, unfollow, block, whatever, even if we’re mutuals. <3

you’re free to come talk to me in my inbox or dms, but please be aware that there’s a very high chance I will never get back to you /o\ it isn’t personal!! I am just very mentally ill and have many difficulties with keeping up social interactions or talking to people.

in the interest of trying to be more open about myself, my brain, and what that means for me in an online/fandom space, I’m gonna do a boatload of mental health talk under the cut (or, if you’re looking at this on my blog proper or somewhere where the cut doesn’t display, it starts right after this paragraph), including mentions of self-harm/thoughts of specific self-harm etc, just so you are warned! I’ve been thinking recently that it’s good to try and take steps towards being more open about my issues, both for my own sake and others’. It’s long, because one of the fun things about my mental illness is that I am hyperverbal ahahaha (if that... wasn’t already obvious orz)

so if you’ve read pfmmpd, you can kind of get a sense of what I’m working with. a lot of how i wrote lwj was drawn directly from shit happening in my own brain, but like? dial that up from the specific issues that lwj had in that fic and apply it unilaterally across the board to almost anything you can think of.

I hesitate to describe my OCD as debilitating, but only because my specific cocktail of compulsions and anxieties and triggers push me to be hyperachieving and hyperfunctional. I consider myself pretty fortunate (?) in that regard. on paper, you could never tell how absolutely batshit my internal landscape is! which is very good for me practically in that I can hold down a job, keep scholarships, graduate with honors, have good prospects for my future, hold onto relationships (usually yikes) etc. but the fact of the matter is, I’m like. oh boy.

to give you a peek, here’s a non-exhaustive list of things that have triggered me to varying degrees of severity within the last like, week or so:

my dog

a chinese folk song

my mother reading a chinese haiku to me written by a young gay man

a chinese reader of my fic lovingly and gently giving me a history lesson on china and on mdzs while praising me

stepping on a piece of snow that didn’t collapse in the precise way i expected it to

writing meta

reading meta

ruminating on my triggers (honestly, I played myself)

seeing a twitter thread going around tumblr with decent information but the OP is someone who was exceedingly cruel to a good friend of mine

visiting my grandmother’s grave

deciding to visit my grandmother’s grave

discussing the concept of cuddling my partner whom i love and have been with for four years

self-harming (truly the height of irony, being triggered into self-harm and then getting triggered by the result of the self-harm hahahahahaha)

dropping off a package

trying to explain queer-coding to my parents

talking about stressors in my life related to covid19

having a very pleasant conversation with a person i admire

editing my translation

the fact that the “close” button on my accessibility sidebar on the translation website is the wrong color

choosing between eating all the shiitake mushrooms in my soup and purposefully giving myself a bad reaction or throwing one out and wasting food

thinking about playing a fun game with my partner and a mutual friend

my mom asking me to take a photo of some tea for her

my mom asking my opinion on a photo she was photoshopping

animal crossing

writing this fucking post HAHAHAHA

like!! it goes on!! endlessly! obviously, these triggers are not simply “bad” things. the chinese folk song and the haiku were both really beautiful and i love them! but I did spend a good amount of time curled up on my floor in the dark sobbing as i played the song on repeat. the haiku was one of the last straws that ended up with me screaming and crying and hurting myself. the snow??? like wtf the snow thing. I stepped on the snow and it felt wrong and my brain just started screaming SMASH YOUR KNEECAP. ???? (I didn’t, for the record, and I would never.) I love my partner very much! I love my friends very much, and my mother, and my grandmother etc. my triggers are infinite, unpredictable, and bizarre.

I’m saying all of this because I want to be clear that MDZS/CQL fandom specifically triggers me on a daily basis, sometimes very very badly. this is just a fact! it is no one’s fault! I have decided it is worth it for me to stay anyways. it is impossible for me to request people tag for certain things because I myself have no idea what my triggers are until I encounter them. It’s like a fun mystery boss encounter! sometimes it’s low level and i’m well-equipped to handle it. other times it’s a one-hit KO. We just don’t know! there are lots of very cool content creators in this fandom that I can’t follow because it would make my dash that much more high stakes. the original source canon material triggers me! all the events leading up to Lotus Cove massacre? I was shaking at work for three hours after consuming it for the first time.

Meta specifically is something I know a lot of people like me for, but it’s 100% the most triggering activity I participate in for this fandom. like, that suibian meta post I wrote that’s currently going around? Probably took me four or five hours of concentrated effort to write because I was compulsively panicking and rewriting and editing and panicking more and qualifying and editing and qualifying some more and then debating whether I should post it or not and then fighting with myself about my wording and then immediately regretting it and then every time someone commented on it (regardless of positive or negative!) my anxiety spiked. I started a reply to a response on that post and had to stop after a few minutes because I was already starting to trigger myself over it.

this is actually a pretty good outcome when it comes to meta! I recognized that I was hurting myself before I got any further, and I only spent like, five hours on it! it was good exposure therapy for me! the bad outcome is. well. bad, as you might imagine lmao.

I like writing meta. I like talking to people about it too! I like participating in fandom, I like writing, I like translating, I like all of these things. they’re just also really hard for me! there’s a couple meta requests sitting in my inbox right now that I want to get to, but it might take me like. a long time because of. you know! *gestures* Everything takes me a long time. that first chapter of the translation took me literally five months from beginning the project to posting a final edited version. It’s just over 1k words. D8

I try really hard to be chill and kind in public and I largely think I succeed on the kind part (I hope!). If you thought I had even an ounce of chill before this, perhaps I have disabused of that notion entirely now lmao. I’m not saying this for pity, but like? just so we all know what we’re dealing with here. I don’t want anyone to get hurt when I don’t engage with them or feel snubbed if I never reply to them. and also like, hey, if someone relates it’s like hooray, high fave, solidarity! we’re not alone in this world! or maybe this will help someone understand OCD a little better! I don’t know. I hope this post is a positive thing. BUT! I’ve spent three hours on it already, and i’m definitely starting to compulsively spiral, so instead of going back and editing it over and over, I’m just going to post it. thank you everyone for your understanding! I hope you enjoy your time on my blog! (*´▽`*)

[holidaywithahobbyist]

Haha this chapter is hella late but let's not talk about that lol.

Please rb and/or comment if you enjoy! It absolutely means the world to me,, ty all for reading!!