#please keep in mind this is my own experience and you might learn entirely different lessons

[dawnatdaybreak]

EDEN 4164616D Lyric... process??

hello :) I wrote the lyrics for EDEN 4164616D on MACHINA MORI and a few other people are doing little lyric analysis/writing process things and I was like hey! I could do that! if you have your own analysis of these lyrics that might differ from how I wrote them initially: do not let my "official" interpretation make yours any less valid! feel free to share your analysis before you read this (or after!) if you want, I like to see what people think of my writing! but the main thing is that whatever EDEN made you feel, my intended meaning should not take that away from you

there are a few things I might keep a little secret for now because I might still be working on some lore that will be revealed later ;) but I'll talk about the main writing process and ideas I wanted to convey with this song in and of itself and you can dig into the lore later once it's done!

Giving content warnings for: Biblical imagery, talk of mortality and death. Analysis is all below the cut!

First of all, the little disjointed "a-a-a-a-ah" at the start was an intentional idea from me! I wanted it to sound kind of like a startup sound or like Rei was initializing her vocals for the first time. The background "ah"s later on were entirely Dav-P's doing though I cant take any credit for those! I can suggest you give them a careful listen though :)

The entire song is written to be directly from the perspective of EDEN's Rei, and I had something of a narrative in mind for it. It's a story as much as it's a song, and I put a lot of parallels in some of the verses between each other that I had a lot of fun with. I love writing I love words I love music I love this song!! I really am so glad I got to write it.

undefined Adam electric amalgam sparks intertwine in this vessel of steel sculpted in your image what am I?

This first section doesn't have a whole lot to dig into, it's mostly setting up for something later on and giving the impression of EDEN's Rei at initialization and how she feels (or rather, doesn't.) The use of the phrases "this vessel" and "sculpted" in place of the more human terms she will use for herself later in the song is very intentional! "Undefined Adam" is a very early lead in to the biblical imagery I used occasionally throughout the song, and also sets up the very basic premise of how Rei views herself and the world she is being born into: she is to humanity as Adam is to God, a new being made in the image of man as man was made in the image of God.

I cannot be one of a kind show me everything I want to feel the wind on my face the sea against my skin if you'd call it that

This section is largely also here to establish Rei's feelings, but she has a few more of them to dig into now! She is capable of want and what she wants is to feel, even if her wanting that shows she already has the capacity for it. She has this desire to experience the things that humans wax poetic about, the sea breeze and the waves on your skin. "If you'd call it that" refers directly to the mention of skin- Rei is a machine made of metal, so it's hard to really say if skin is what the surface of her body should be called. She's humanizing herself to an extent here, but she's also backtracking, putting that distinct separation between her body and a human body even though her initial instinct is to call them the same.

hello world teach me how to fly make me feel alive I don't know what am I? trapped in endless time

Hello, world! I was honestly worried that line would be a bit of a low hanging fruit and everyone was going to use it, but I couldn't resist it. And I'm glad I did put it in after! I'm pretty pleased with the second use of it but that's getting a bit ahead of myself.

This section is largely about Rei "waking up" more, coming to terms a bit more with her feelings and circumstances. She wants to learn what it means to be a person, but not necessarily "human"- there's still a big divide between her and humanity that should become clearer as the song progresses. "Teach me how to fly" is largely metaphorical here, but there might be something fun that comes of that in the lore later if you want to stay tuned for it ;) "Trapped in endless time" refers to the immortality of machines. Rei does not think her time on Earth will ever end, and while she knows that separates her from humanity she isn't really sure what that makes her.

hollow and heartless emptiness I can't fix somehow I find you reflect in me oh make me in your image divine light

"Hollow and heartless, emptiness I can't fix" is meant to show how Rei views herself here as empty and lacking in a heart in both a literal and figurative sense. She views herself as incapable of doing anything about this because she lacks the power over herself that her creators have over her. "Somehow I find, you reflect in me" is in reference to a common trope I may have borrowed for this, in which an android/machine's creators won't treat them with any sort of kindness or love no matter how human their creation is meant to be. EDEN Rei's creators view her as a means to an end and nothing more- her heartlessness is reflected in them. "Make me in your image" and its variations will be a recurring phrase, once again intending to draw on the biblical imagery of humans being made in the image of God. "Divine light" further refers to this- Rei views humanity and all of its facets as divine and unreachable to her without outside intervention.

the way I see you I want to be seen too strip away my inhumanity oh make me in your image heart and mind

This entire section is meant to establish how Rei wants to be seen as a person and granted the respect humans have for each other. She is made so similar to a human, but she is still not owed the respect being human commands, so she wants to be more similar to her creators. There is still a separation between her and them, hence, "make me in your image, heart and mind".

I cannot forget how she cried the stars in her eyes I want to know how did she catch the divine? is her dream lost to time? should I make it mine?

This is yuri by the way. The "she" referred to here is largely a secret for now, but she is someone Rei fell in love with, and she is also a machine. "How did she catch the divine?" may imply that this other machine actually grasped the human emotions Rei has been chasing... but "is her dream lost to time?" implies there wasn't a happy ending to this story. The main takeaway from this for tying into the rest of the song is this: Rei has loved someone, and that someone is now out of her reach.

hello world or is this goodbye? did I do this right? I don’t know why am I running out of time?

Hello, world! I actually wrote this section before the other hello world section, and "hello world, or is this goodbye?" is probably one of my favourite sets of lines I wrote for this song. This is meant to be a somewhat direct parallel to the earlier section- where before Rei was "trapped in endless time", she is running out now. She isn't sure how much time she has left or if she has any at all, and she doesn't know whether she's used any of her time existing effectively. There's meant to be just a bit of fear or grief in the lyrics here: where before Rei's "I don't know" was in the context of not understanding the world around her and being inquisitive about it and her place in it, it's now in a context of not being sure she lived up to whatever expectations she found for herself, and not being sure she has enough time to change any of it.

burn with a new flame agonizing outbreak I don't want this but I'll never escape unmake me in your image I won't fight

"Burn with a new flame, agonizing outbreak" refers to the sudden and painful experience Rei is having with her own mortality, and is meant to imply anger or hatred towards the creators who made her feel this way. "I don't want this, but I'll never escape" as well as the "I won't fight" is here largely because despite everything she is feeling right now and her newly realized anger, Rei is not going to fight the fate she sees laid out in front of her. "Unmake me in your image" is to indicate that Rei knows she is about to be destroyed, and she's accepted this.

poetic irony everything denied me finally felt just a moment too late unmake me in your image why do I cry?

"Everything denied me, finally felt, just a moment too late" is another of my favourite lines I wrote for this, possibly one of my favourite lines I've written in general. "Everything denied me" is emotion, "just a moment too late" is indicating that it doesn't matter anymore. Despite her acceptance of her fate, Rei is hurting. She asks "why do I cry?" which is as much a question of why she is literally crying as it is a question of why it hurts so much to feel the things she has viewed this far as divine.

tell me how I'm meant to feel tell me if my heart is real make me what I wasn't meant to be tell me why, god, why? tell me why, god, who then am I? tell me why

This section includes the vocals that continue into the last two sections and is meant to kind of be the last few questions Rei has about her creation and destruction. She was built with the capacity to feel, but what was she supposed to do with that? If she is able to feel, does that mean she truly does have a heart? "Make me what I wasn't meant to be" is her final way of rebelling against her creators: she still wants to be human, to be divine, even after everything. The final questions are to do with her death. "Tell me why" is a demand for answers to everything. Why was she made? Why does she have to be unmade? "Who then am I?" is the question of who she is now, but also who she was supposed to be from the start.

pre-defined Adam electric amalgam fingers entwine in my body of steel you unmake me in your image  scrap and wire

We get to revisit the first section now! This is a direct parallel to how Rei felt at the start of the song, while also showing that she is being disassembled in this moment. "Pre-defined Adam" in comparison to the earlier "undefined Adam" is to show that Rei knows now that who she was supposed to be was decided for her. "Fingers entwine in my body of steel" is meant to evoke the idea that someone is actively taking her apart in these last moments, and also parallel the earlier mentions of her body as "this vessel". Rei has come to view her body as hers, as opposed to just a vessel as she did at the start. "Scrap and wire" is simply what Rei knows she will become after she is taken apart.

mourning my own fate artificial heartbreak why do I love if I'm made just to hate? you unmake me in your image I don't want to die

This is probably my favourite section from the whole song I'm very proud of it. "Mourning my own fate" is fairly straightforward: Rei is about to die and she has to mourn herself. "Artificial heartbreak" mostly just sounds cool but also has to do with that grief, and in part to do with how Rei still doesn't view herself as human but instead as something else. "Why do I love if I'm made just to hate?" seems to be a line people really liked but unfortunately I can't say much about what it means here... it might have something to do with the circumstances around EDEN Rei's creation though! The rest is mostly more of the same and also self explanatory. Despite everything she has been through to reach this point, in her final moments Rei views herself as alive, and she doesn't want her life to end.

The scream at the end was also my plan and is meant in part to parallel the "startup sound" at the beginning! It's also where Rei dies, being fully disassembled by her creators. Although, maybe her consciousness could have escaped somewhere...? Been uploaded, maybe...? ;)

so yeah that was long and some of it was probably a lot more in depth than it needed to be but that's my writing process and main ideas for EDEN 4164616D! I really am proud of how this came out as a song and as a narrative, and I hope if you were interested enough in it to read this far you'll also be interested enough to keep an eye out for something that may or may not be related to it that might crop up either shortly before or after the MV releases!

if you're at all curious about anything else I didn't talk about here feel free to send me an ask about it!! I love talking about my writing process and seeing what people liked and disliked about what I made (and talking about anything else too!) so I'd be happy to see what people are curious about :)

[mysticalserenity-tarot]

💸 What sort of money flows comes to you naturally? 💸 (Pick a pile)

{How to pick a pile? First, take a deep breath with your eyes closed to clear your mind. When you open your eyes, don't hesitate – pick the image that immediately grabs your attention or stirs up a memory. Remember, you can pick more than one pile if you feel called to. If none of the images stand out for you, it means there's no message for you at this time. You can always come back to it later.}

✧○ꊞ○ꊞ○ꊞ○ꊞ○ꊞ - ○ꊞ○ꊞ○ꊞ○ꊞ○ - ○ꊞ○ꊞ○ꊞ○ꊞ✧

Pile 1, Pile 2, Pile 3 (from left to right)

Hello and always a huge thank you to everyone for your incredible support, it means a lot to me!

In this collective pick a pile reading, we'll explore the ways in which money and financial abundance might come into your life effortlessly and harmoniously. Let's see where your energy takes us.

Disclaimer: This is a collective reading I picked up on multiple energies, so please only take what resonates and leave the rest. When something resonates you usually feel a light energy and in your heart you can feel it's your message, and the pic that attracts you is a clearly sign.

✧○ꊞ○ꊞ○ꊞ○ꊞ○ꊞ - ○ꊞ○ꊞ○ꊞ○ꊞ○ - ○ꊞ○ꊞ○ꊞ○ꊞ✧

💵 PILE 1

(the longest lol)

The Sun, Ace of Swords, The Hermit

Hello Pile 1, and welcome to your reading. Let's dive in!

The vibes I'm getting from this collective are super energetic and moving. It's about not staying in the same environment and situations, because life should move for y'all. This tells me that the way money and financial abundance come to you is through experiences, trying different things. Mostly through traveling and freedom. Literally expanding your mind and soul. To attract prosperity, you have to feel free from any burden, which could be in the form of a thing, a person, or a situation. I see that you easily drain yourself, and you need to retreat for a certain period to come out stronger and empowered. People drain you, my pile 1, but you shouldn't feel bad about it. Indeed, you benefit more from alone time and focused on your goals.

You attract financial abundance, money the most when you're tuned into yourself - which is hilarious because in my spread I see no one but you. When you do what your heart suggests and ignore people's opinions trying to get into your business, you hate this, right? You don't look for help outside of you, but let me remind you that asking for help doesn't make you any lesser, but it's actually a strong act, and you should be proud of it.

So, the inspiration comes or should come from within you because you're the type that ventures in search of new, exciting experiences, and this is a great way to attract abundance into your life. But, your guides are warning here - be careful not to spend over 'useless' things that don't serve your higher good, and some of you do this a lot, and when you go broke, you regret it.I see your cup overflowing with water, and you know when you fill something with too much liquid, some of it falls. You have to learn how to control yourself, my dear, and stop yourself from falling into this trap of spending where there's no need. However, don’t deprive yourself entirely when you truly desire something. Always remember the saying, 'who wants too much, at the end nothing holds.' Be mindful of your own spending - and when you borrow money from someone, please don’t forget to give it back, or the divine may not be forgiving.

If we have to sum up your reading, we'd say keep seeking new experiences and don't forget to follow your heart/your intuition, and trust that money will find you. This doesn't mean immediately or magically, but for example, if you take new job opportunities or open your own business. Right off the bat, if someone here is thinking about open their own activity this is your sign, as I saw the Chariot before starting your reading, it's a sign that it will bring you success in the long run. I also see many 9, Aces, and numbers following – 9, 111, 789 may be significant, as well as enlightenment and the color yellow.

9: validation, completion, justification, intuition, success.

1: beginnings, core, inspiration.

Thank you for allowing me to read your energy, Pile 1.

Note: -If you enjoyed this and my other readings, and you'd like to support me further, you can do so on my ko-fi, I'd greatly appreciate it. It's not mandatory.

-For further guidance or a personalized reading, feel free to book a reading through my Tumblr DM or email [dvinecrystl@gmail.com]. I'm here to help you navigate life's challenges and find clarity. We can decide the price together. [I will be providing more details on my paid readings in the future. Keep an eye out for it]

💵 PILE 2

2 of Wands, Ace of Pentacles, 10 of Pentacles

Hello Pile 2, and welcome to your reading. Let's dive in!

When it comes to money flows, I pick up a similar energy to pile 1, although in an opposite way. Despite this possible correlation, some of you may still resonate with some messages in pile 1, so feel free to check it. Unlike my pile 1, who is more open to adventures and new experiences, you are more restrained and closed off, even though you'd like to get out of your comfort zone. The cards have spoken, dear. It's not a question of 'if you want' but a necessity – 'you've got to go.' This is how financial abundance naturally finds you. Some of you have refused job offers that would have brought significant gains because you felt you weren't good enough, or someone was better, and later regretted it when it was too late.

I completely understand, but I have to tell you that our mind is powerful, and if we want something, we shouldn't give up and persist through sweat and tears. In this way, we'll obtain it no matter how it may not align with us. We are souls in a human body, and we can reach whatever we set our minds to.

The abundance of pentacles suggests the career area as your most thriving and struggling aspect, but this struggle is a lesson for you to do even better.What I also see is that you're stubborn when it comes to want something - people and even the divine offer you something that would help you grow and expand, but you're always thinking, 'No, I want that one thing/person.' Unfortunately your tendency to be a traditionalist or afraid of change hinders your growth and expansion. You have to be more open to new possibilities. You're a traditionalist or afraid of change, and I hear you loud and clear because same here.

Side note: I feel like some of you are about to get money from your friends or family, perhaps a grandmother for your birthday? this is nice!

To sum up your reading, you have to stop refusing any kind of opportunities presenting in front of you, evaluating the pros and cons based on your goals, and not on your lack of confidence. Get out, and let everyone see you. You are meant to shine, darling!

Thank you for allowing me to read your energy, Pile 2.

Note: -If you enjoyed this and my other readings, and you'd like to support me further, you can do so on my ko-fi, I'd greatly appreciate it. It's not mandatory.

-For further guidance or a personalized reading, feel free to book a reading through my Tumblr DM or email [dvinecrystl@gmail.com]. I'm here to help you navigate life's challenges and find clarity. We can decide the price together. [I will be providing more details on my paid readings in the future. Keep an eye out for it]

💵 PILE 3

7 of Wands, 2 of Cups, Knight of Pentacles rv

Hello Pile 3, and welcome to your reading. Let's dive in!

You guys let other people step on your dreams and goals, and I'm picking up energy of defeat. Maybe you let others dictate your life, consciously or unconsciously. When we don't realize it, our subconscious starts to play. This is a heavy burden for you.

So, the sort of money flows that come into your life effortlessly is when you don't let anyone's opinion, including family or friends, phase you. You have all the tools to live on your own terms. One of the worst feelings is to regret not doing something because someone didn't want you to. You need to start believing in yourself more. You have all the right tools to go forward without anyone's help. But as I like to mention asking for help doesn't make you any less, and it's important when you really need it. A little trip alone can be beneficial to show yourself that you can do it on your own.

Another important thing I'm getting for financial abundance to naturally enter your life is to be loyal to your goals, dreams, beliefs, and complete things you start. Be productive as much as you can, and don't let laziness take control. We all have lazy days and there's nothing wrong with admitting it, but as I said try not to let them get the best of you because it would be a pity since you're one of those people that can change the world if you really want to.

Some of you may have or will have wealthy or even rich partners who will bring financial stability or significant gains, especially if you're still youngish. I'm picking up unions, partnerships whether in love or in work as an another money flows for you, connections that will help reach your goals and so financial stability (not immediately though)

To sum up your reading (which is kind of short as the cards and your guides came up more straightforward for you 😆), the cards highlight the importance of self-belief, loyalty to one's goals and beliefs, and the potential for financial abundance through partnerships or wealthy partners.

Spiritual warfare, meaningful pieces of jewelry may be significant for some of you, as is the color green.

Thank you for allowing to read your energy, Pile 3.

Note: -If you enjoyed this and my other readings, and you'd like to support me further, you can do so on my ko-fi, I'd greatly appreciate it. It's not mandatory.

-For further guidance or a personalized reading, feel free to book a reading through my Tumblr DM or email [dvinecrystl@gmail.com]. I'm here to help you navigate life's challenges and find clarity. We can decide the price together. [I will be providing more details on my paid readings in the future. Keep an eye out for it]

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ANY LIKE/REBLOG/COMMENT IS APPRECIATED, ALSO IF YOU LET ME KNOW IF IT RESONATED.

PLEASE DO NOT REPOST MY WORK.

ALWAYS THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR EACH ONE OF YOU'S SUPPORT, I'M GRATEFUL 🤗🤍

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Please note that I used AI language bot to help improve grammar and spelling in my readings, as English is not my first language. However, the interpretations and insights provided in my readings are all my work, based on my intuition and the cards' symbolism.

Disclaimer: Tarot readings are for entertainment purposes only and are not meant to predict or dictate your future. The cards provide insights and guidance, but the ultimate power of choice lies with you.

[damnfandomproblems]

Re: DID / System Discourse (I lost track…)

This is a perfect example of how someone pretending to have a mental health condition that they don’t have (I prefer this expression over faking because I don’t think everyone who does this has bad intentions, and faking sounds so negative) can potentially cause a lot of damage.

Please keep in mind I’m not a professional, but I have another trauma-related mental health condition and have been in therapy for that for quite a long time. I also don’t want to explain anybody’s mental health condition to them, so please forgive me for any mistakes and inaccuracies. This is just my perspective / attempt to understand the condition as someone with a related condition / symptoms.

DID, and I feel like this often gets lost in online discourse, is an extreme form of dissociation (a.k.a. something that absolutely everyone experiences from time to time), and more specifically, depersonalization. It’s literally called Dissociative Identity Disorder for a reason!

I’ve learned that everyone has different “personality modes” that they switch into depending on the situation (the most commonly known ones might be inner children and inner critics). The way I experience these is that certain modes feel more “foreign” and removed than others, but I can still identify them as part of me. I don’t really know how to explain it, but it is a form of depersonalization as well. But I can imagine that if this were taken to the extreme, then those personality modes that I tend to perceive as more removed from me could feel like entirely different people rather than different versions of me. So, why shouldn’t there be people out there for who this is the case? I think it’s possible.

So the way I “explain” DID to myself is, the difference between a normal person as the one extreme and a person with DID as the other is that one always feels like themselves regardless of personality modes they’re in, while someone with DID feels so removed from themselves in certain personality modes that they can’t even remember what they did. Due to this internal separation, the personality mode may feel like a different identity, both to the personality mode who experiences this form of internal splitting, as well as to an outside bystander due to changes in demeanor, etc.

So when one develops an alter, at least if my explanation is somewhat accurate, they don’t just invent a new personality, much less take a character from fiction who becomes the alter. Rather, an aspect of their personality that already exists prior to the split, gets taken and removed from the rest. I’ve heard that alters often have a purpose, which is also somewhat true for personality modes IME, and I can imagine that anything that may be added to the aspect as it continues to grow away from the rest (kind of like a cutting from a plant) depends on the specific purpose of the alter. I can imagine that it is possible for an alter to strongly identify with / be compared to a fictional character (just like this is possible for most people), but that is very different from an alter actually being said fictional character.

All in all — I feel like the wrong picture of this condition is painted in this discourse, and I’m worried that it may hurt people who actually have DID (or a related condition).

Again, I’m sorry for any inaccuracies. I cannot and don’t want to speak for everyone, this is just my understanding of the condition based on what I’ve learned about it and my own perspective. I’d send this off anon, but I genuinely don’t want to air out specific details about how my mind works in a public space, especially not in a context like this. I would not feel safe. I hope you guys understand.

Posting as a response to a previous problem.

[glitteryinknotes]

Okay, but what kind of person would Astarion be most attracted to?

I have the image of Astarion softly confessing to Tav "you're incredible" stuck on a loop in my mind, but other than that, it actually got me thinking, just the simple way he says that and the look and yearning behind his eyes. What kind of person would he most likely perceive as such, for reasons he himself might not even understand at the beginning, couldn't resist falling in love with and be most happy & pushed to grow in an eventual relationship with? Here are some my instinctive thoughts.

(please do not get discouraged if you're basing the relationship of your MC & Astarion on different attributes & different ideas; those are only my own thoughts, propably influenced by the kind of character I'm planning to make on my Baldur's Gate playthrough.

Those are both headcanons for the first act, as well as for the official relationship parts.

And please share your thoughts if you have any, i'd be glad to compare my ideas to other people's impressions of this beautiful spawn)

Alas;

Someone joyful, proud & full of life. Astarion yearns to live and taste life on his own terms, having been denied any kind of autonomy & free will for the last two hundreds years, like he himself admits in the spawn ending; presence of someone genuinely full of life, shining, cheerful, dedicated to every small & great bliss the world can offer AND proud of it, despite their precarious situation about the whole tadpole business, would be intoxicating to him. That kind of person around would, for him, be an embodiment of everything he's been deprived of i'm Cazador's slavery; a being so fascinating in their pure, unabashed lust for joy in life, he wouldn't be able to keep them off his mind despite his best efforts.

Someone self - assured. For similar reasons as above. His trauma pushed him to depend entirely on himself & forever be in defense, from a place of terror, insecurity and loathing his past deeds. And so, I believe anyone carrying themselves with their head up high, with true confidence and class, not just masquarading bravado to mask their fear, facing everything fate throws at them with the same unrelenting attitude, would be something irresistible for him on some level. No matter if that very person was luckily spared from harsher life experiences, or traumatised as much as he had been. He would wish with all his soul he could be more like them and learn from them, perhaps even hide behind them to some degree.

Someone with fine taste. It's no surprise Astarion enjoys fine things; it would be his pleasure to be matched in his love for comfort & luxury.

Someone open, yet respectful in their everyday affections. Someone who would proudly peck him on the cheek or neck in the presence of everyone in the camp, but won't be aggressively throwing themselves into his arms each second; someone who would greet him each day with the most blissful smile or a warm embrace, but not too overly dramatic. Someone who wouldn't shy from openly referring to him in front of others in his own renditions of "my love", "my sweet" and "my darling" and who'd always keep an eye on him from the distance at camp ground to smile whenever your eyes met, but wouldn't publicly boast about every single detail between the two of you and allow him to keep his space & secrets. Somene playful, yet incredibly authentic in their feelings. All of that would provide him the so desired feeling of safety, love & genuineness, keep him amused and most importantly, provide him with a trusted learning example of how to act, express feelings & treat the other in a relationship. He might & absolutely will try to publicly brush all those affections off and go his usual suave way about it, but inside, or even openly on his face when taken off guard? His undead heart is singing with joy

Someone gentle & considerate. He surely enjoys someone with fantasy, a playful side and some art in lovemaking, but what he craves more than anything is tenderness & love. Anything you do with him in his mind delights him, and over the time he'd learn to accept it without shielding himself with sarcasm. From some minor gifts, asking for his opinion on matters he wouldn't expect to be asked about, to being considerate & delicate in intimacy, everything is such a gift to him even if he doesn't even know how to receive it & respond properly

Someone with wit. I think he would feel quite at home with someone who would at least partially share his gift for words; maybe in an entirely different manner than him, but even so someone to understand, match and carry on a conversation with him along his suave mannerism and irony.

[Thank you for your attention, might edit or add up later]

[morrowlegacy]

7, 15, and 30 from the ask game please

7: What is your mc’s backstory as to why they didn’t join Hogwarts until 5th year? Or did you retcon that part of the story when creating them?

Meredydd was born to two muggle parents, so it was assumed that she was a muggle herself. With no knowledge of the wizarding world, it was unknown to Meredydd and her family that she had any magical abilities at all. Of course, she always felt something was “wrong” with her growing up. Various encounters, like small magical events, stuck with her, and caused her to think this way. Meredydd’s parents summed it up to their daughter having a wild imagination. They always encouraged her creativity, so at some point, Meredydd just accepted that it must have just been her mind making things up. Of course, after her parents’ death and meeting Professor Fig, she realized that there was more to her than she initially thought. The reason she never joined Hogwarts until her 5th year was that she never knew about magic until a certain event awoke the ancient abilities inside of her.

15: How does your mc’s story continue after 5th year? How do they cope with everything that happened with Ranrok, Sebastian, etc?

Meredydd does not cope well with life after her 5th year. The defeat of Ranrok resulted in the loss of Professor Fig, a man she had grown to love as a second father. With him gone, she is left as an orphan once more, as she has no living family to take her in. As far as the whole Sebastian ordeal goes, Meredydd did not turn him in, as a combination of love and loyalty to a friend. She heavily disagrees with his choices but can't help but stick by his side as he has so often done for her. Meredydd never learned the Unforgivables out of a great fear of them, especially after enduring Crucio herself and she often feels like she failed Sebastian because of that. Perhaps if she could have done something to help Anne sooner, Sebastian wouldn’t have had to resort to killing his uncle. Perhaps she could have killed his uncle instead and taken away his guilt. Now he is without his sister who believes him to be a murderer, and is left with no one to take care of him. Sebastian’s choices are his own, but Meredydd feels that if she had never encouraged him, things might have turned out differently. On top of that, she finds out some information about her past that leaves her completely broken. By the end of the school year, Meredydd feels as if the only thing she is good for is her Ancient Magic, as if the only reason her friends enjoy her presence is because of the power that she holds. If she isn’t helping everyone else, who is she?Meredydd also believes that she always ends up hurting those that she loves the most and that if she had been better, stronger, and smarter, she might have prevented all the tragedies in her life. “Natty got hurt protecting me.” “Anne doesn’t have a cure because I failed.” If I had been stronger, I could have protected Sebastian from his uncle.” Professor Fig wouldn’t have died if I hadn’t met him in the first place.” Perhaps my parents would still be alive if I was just born normal.” These are all the thoughts running through her head after her 5th year. These are not entirely true of course, but the veil of grief is difficult to remove when it rests so tightly in front of her eyes. She spends a lot of time in the Room of Requirement before the end of the school year, as she requires space away from everyone where she can let her emotions flood through her. Her mind is rattled by everything she experienced and the secrets she must keep and because of that, Meredydd experiences quite a panic-stricken crisis. There is a moment where she nearly runs away following the events of Ranrok’s defeat, (and another event unique to her backstory that I’m not revealing yet) but she is found by Sirona and eventually her friends who comfort her through her pain. She later realizes, with the help of her teachers and her companions, that she is still a kid, and that she doesn’t have to take on so much responsibility for others. She is not responsible for the choices other people make, or their emotions, and she needs to focus on herself to allow her to heal from the grief she has been bottling up since her parent’s death. It’s a hard pill for Meredydd to swallow at first, but it becomes easier for her over time.

30: Last but not least, just tell us something you love about your mc!

Ah Meredydd, by absolute beloved, how I adore every part of your character! I think one of the things that I love about her the most is how selfless she is. She is always trying to help others to the best of her ability, and it’s one of the qualities she got from both her mother and father. Her ability to be so sacrificial and to lend a helping hand, regardless of who you are, is one of the parts of Meredydd’s character that I admire. Of course, she’s not perfect, and her giving nature often leads to her downfall at times, but more often than not, she does it out of sheer love for those around her. If I had to pick another thing about her, it would just be her character and her story in general. Hogwarts Legacy came to me at a time when I was really struggling, and because Meredydd was my first mc of the game, she holds a special place in my heart. The wizarding world has been an interest of mine since I was very little and it resurfaced at the perfect moment, with Meredydd providing me the comfort that I so desperately needed. She has become one of my most favorite ocs and I am so glad that I bought the game and gave Meredydd a wonderful story to tell.

[creatureheart]

Welcome!

Welcome to a simple blog for me to explore things about myself and my nonhuman identity, and to simply reblog relevant posts and things that I like.

You can call me Pandora. New nicknames are welcome. They/It, Adult(31)

- Horse - Hyena - Humanoid-something (questioning)

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[[ Carrd ]] Other Sites — content will be similar [[ TikTok | Bluesky | Pillowfort | Dreamwidth ]] [[ Main Blog available on request. ]] [[ Tags ]] — my tags for ease of access and mobile users.

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Replies, comments and asks/submissions are always welcome.

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I block, unfollow and filter liberally, because it is not on other people to cater my online space for me. If I see something I don't like, I remove it from my sight and move on. I take ZERO responsibility for other's online experience as this is my blog. Learn to cater your own online space as it's only on you to do so. If you see anything you don't like that I post or reblog, just unfollow and/or block. People just looking for an argument or who are rude will be blocked and reported. Comments along the lines of looking for a fight or being rude will be deleted.

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Before You Follow found below the cut:

I am an Adult - Dec '93 If you are not ok with this, and I follow you, please soft block, or block me to keep yourself comfortable.

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I am Queer/Asexual and Indigenous(Australian).

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Most of this blog will be SFW, but there still might be possible adult content on this blog, which will be tagged. Keep this in mind if you are a minor or do not wish to see such!

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I try to tag everything that I reblog with general, wide tags when they are useful. Use the content filter options and/or xkit to stop from seeing what you don't want to see. I do not tolerate hateful comments towards any animal, especially insects, spiders and other "creepy crawlies" and will block on sight. I understand phobias and squicks, but ALL ANIMALS are worthy of respect and life. This goes DOUBLE for anyone that makes comments on people's pets.

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I'm not here for internet drama and discourse, don't drag me into it or tell me about it. I have more important things to worry about.

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I support systems of all origins, including endogenic. I also support physically identifying nonhumans and alterhumans, whatever their reason for identifying this way is.

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I use the word Queer. If you do not believe in reclaiming slurs or you tag things as "q slur" just block me. I am also kink positive, pro-sex education, pro-sex worker, etc.

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Thought crime AND thought heroism does not exist.

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I am of the old internet mindset of "if you don't like it, don't look" and "don't go looking for things you know you don't like/you know will upset you."

Only person to blame for interacting with things you don't like is yourself. Learn to remove yourself from the situation instead of placing all blame on other people who probably didn't even know you were there, or wanted you there, in the first place.

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I'm old and tired, and kids these days would probably label me a "proshipper" as I believe there is way more nuance to this entire thing than simply the black and white mindset that the internet & fandom communities have shifted to over time. I do not condone any taboo or problematic content IRL. But it is not my place, or my right to tell others what they can and cannot do in fiction/fantasy.

I do not condone harassment over fictional characters, ships, etc, and if you're one of the people who think that this is ok, or that someone should die because they think differently than you, block me. It's unrealistic to believe that anything created that holds taboo or problematic content means the one who created it condones it IRL. This falls along the same kind of mindset mostly conservative parents spat that "violent video games make people violent", which we all know is not true. Censoring problematic content will not stop people from creating it. They will just create it where you cannot see it, which in turn could make it harder to find, and harder to stop when actual harm is dealt. Can fictional/fantasy content affect reality? Sure! I will never say otherwise. But to believe that it always does is, again, unrealistic, and assuming that most people cannot differentiate between the two. Fiction and fantasy were created for people to be able to entertain ourselves, and to explore topics that we never would, or were impossible, in the real world in the safety of our minds and spaces we created. The actions of those who use fictional content as a reason to do taboo and problematic things in real life is entirely on them, and they need to seek professional help for their paraphilias, or harmful actions. If something... - happens between two(or more) consenting ADULTS - makes someone happy - does not harm themselves or anyone/anything IRL ...then what other people do is none of my business.

Dividers by benkeibear

[multiplicity-positivity]

Hi! any idea of how to deal with learning your source and/or source creator is a bad person?

its a sad thing weve had to go through a couple of times, but still arent quite sure what were supposed to do. its specifically something we take fairly hard as well, because the creator is often apart of a large comfort or hyperfixation or special interest. anyway, i was just wondering if you had any tips at all.

Hello. While we personally have not had much firsthand experience with having an alter whose source turned out to be a bad person, we do have some advice that might be beneficial for you during this difficult time.

First: it’s alright to mourn or grieve the loss of someone you and your system once looked up to. It’s alright to feel hurt or betrayed when someone you thought was a kindhearted person turns out to not have others’ best interests at heart. There are no wrong feelings. It’s alright to be sad or even distraught about this. We’d encourage you to feel your emotions and attempt to connect with them, sit with them, and ultimately, let them go. Letting go of emotions without allowing yourself to feel them can be difficult and challenging - it’s probably best to spend some time sitting with your negative emotions before attempting to dismiss them.

Second: It may be reassuring to remember that, as introjects, we are not literally our sources. Just because our sources made bad decisions or chose to take advantage of someone else does not mean we are doomed to repeat those mistakes. We are capable of learning from our sources, it’s true, and even acknowledging their mistakes as examples of how we can lead our lives a bit differently. And we can do this without repeating the actions of our sources or convincing ourselves that, because our source is/was harmful, we are harmful as well.

Third: If knowing your source is harmful/committed violence or bigotry greatly distresses you, and if you are struggling to distance yourself from your source and/or feel like YOU are responsible for your source’s actions, some degree of source separation may be necessary. I (Cecil) have written my thoughts on source separation in the past, and I will link this post here so you can learn more about our experience with source separation if you think it might be useful.

Please keep in mind that you do not have to completely and totally separate from your source in order to view them in a healthy, more distanced way. You can still identify as or strongly with your source while simultaneously acknowledging that you are your own person and are not responsible for the actions, thoughts, and decisions of your source.

Fourth: In general, not just with introjects, we do believe it is possible to separate a creator’s work from the creator themself. If we find out that an artist we admired was taking advantage of someone else or otherwise caused irreparable harm to others, we will stop engaging with their content in ways that benefit the artist, but that doesn’t mean we have to give up enjoying that artist’s work entirely. We may become more critical of their work. We may try to explore other creators who aren’t as… problematic. And we will certainly stop supporting that artist, be it through purchases, subscriptions, or views. But that doesn’t mean we have to cut their works out of our lives forever. So we firmly believe it is possible to continue enjoying or engaging with your system’s hyperfixations and special interests. You may just need to find ways to do so that do not support or benefit the harmful creator in question.

I do apologize that this post got a bit rambly and long-winded. Please let us know if there is anything more we can do to help you. Thank you for your time, and take care.

[space-station-collective]

Howdy! I saw your "ask a system" post and I personally have been wondering if I am a system. Do you have any advice you can share for someone trying to figure this out on their own, or any personal experiences with learning and discovering systemhood you're comfy sharing? I currently don't have any way to get tested or diagnosed but I still want to be able to understand what's going on in my brain. Thank you!

hey hi! thank you for your ask! :D

so this one im gonna try my Best to answer but im not sure how well it will help, also keep in mind this is just my& experience and there may be other things that work for you!

first things first, keep in mind that these things take time! i found out about the system im a part of really really quickly and honestly it caused a lot of problems because of how quickly it was. it usually takes time to figure it out and develop healthy communication among the system members, and generally know what is going on

^ that was written by the host (who was so unbelievably tired), I'm taking over now, but didn't want to delete what he said! (Grian) (long post ahead!)

I'm gonna start with some resources/advice, and move to more personal experiences at the end!

the difficulty with determining if you're a part of a system, while already knowing about systems, is that it can be very difficult to know if the words actually describe you, or if it's just the closest thing. I know this is probably the worst to hear, but a lot of it honestly is a load of self reflection and determining what labels feel comfortable for you! at its base, plurality is a very wide label, and the way it applies to one person may be completely different to how it may apply to another!

the next thing is so much research. we were lucky to already have a very good base of knowledge due to a research hyperfixation a couple years back, which made things much easier on us, but there was still a lot we had to look into before really understanding what was happening

this website looks like it has a lot of good information! it has a section specifically dedicated to "Am I Plural?" which links to several other resources, as well. I don't fully have the energy to read through the entire site, but from what I saw it has good info, and I've seen other accounts link to it, so I'm inclined to trust it!

okay, now for personal experiences

I'm actually the main reason we found out about our system! or at the very least, how we found out when we did. I could probably make a post on that at some point, if there's interest in it, but to put it short, we had been suspecting plurality for a while and then I actually switched in, and now here we are!

honestly, my main advice is just keep doing research, and try not to doubt yourself. whatever might be happening, be it plurality or something else entirely, it's still your experience, and it's valid! also, a mistake our host made is trying really very hard to push down the system and ignore it. what actually happened was.. very damaging. please don't try and push away what's going on, I promise you it'll make it a lot easier if you lean into trying to understand it

I wish you the very best of luck! I hope this post actually made sense, our writing tends to be a bit all over the place sometimes. I hope this was able to offer some guidance!

-the host (he/they) and Grian (he/him/they)

[julie09tarot]

Hi! I'm P. Hope you're feeling well.

May I have some advice on how to develop my spiritual journey? I feel lost and don't know what to do.

Thank you

Hi P! Wow, that's a really great question. I hope I can do it justice. Please keep what resonates and leave what doesn't: in fact, not to toot my own horn, truly, but I think this is a fabulous question for a more in-depth reading. Head over to my ko-fi if you're interested.

But for now, without further ado.

I was a little apprehensive when I saw the Tower here, but then I thought about it a little bit longer. Feeling lost on your spiritual journey can be overwhelming, true, almost crushing, but it’s often a sign that you’re on the brink of something meaningful. The Tower suggests that part of what’s making this difficult is a crumbling of old beliefs—maybe things you once relied on for meaning no longer feel true, or you’re realizing that the path you expected to follow doesn’t quite fit. It’s unsettling, but it’s also an opportunity. When the Tower clears away what no longer serves us, it makes space for something real and deeply personal to emerge.

The 10 of Pentacles reversed hints that you may be searching for a sense of spiritual "home"—a tradition, practice, or belief system that feels stable and aligned. Right now, things might feel uncertain, like you don’t have a clear foundation. That’s okay. True spirituality isn’t about having all the answers; it’s about learning to sit with the questions and trust that the path will reveal itself as you walk it. It might even lead to somewhere entirely different than you had antecipated.

The Past Lives card (Osho Zen) suggests that this journey is bigger than you realize. Your spiritual path isn’t just about finding the "right" practice—it’s about reconnecting with something ancient within yourself, a wisdom that’s been with you all along. Your intuition, dreams, and inner callings hold more guidance than you might expect. Instead of searching for external answers, try tuning in. What practices make you feel present? What ideas or traditions spark curiosity, even if you don’t fully understand why? It's okay not to know why. Follow those threads.

Gentle Guidance for Your Journey:

Embrace the unknown – You don’t need to have everything figured out. Let yourself explore, without pressure to commit to one path.

Focus on experience, not perfection – Spirituality isn’t about "doing it right." Meditate, journal, connect with nature—try different things and see what feels natural.

Trust your inner wisdom – The fact that you want to grow spiritually means something inside you is already awake and searching. Trust that.

Affirmations for Your Journey:

I trust that my path will unfold exactly as it needs to.

I release the need for certainty and embrace the beauty of discovery.

Everything I seek is already within me—I am guided by my own inner wisdom.

This isn’t about finding a destination—it’s about allowing yourself to explore freely. The answers will come, in their own time. 💛

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Free tarot readings; ask away !

Check examples here to see if my style resonates with you. 😊

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Sadly, I will now only be performing free 3-card spreads without the usual questions and Zen advice. For the detailed 6-card spread, please go to https://ko-fi.com/julie_09zentarot ($1). I’ll be forever grateful and send super duper positive energies your way!

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Remember: my goal is to offer tarot readings that empower you (not to predict the future, read the minds of others, or tell you what to do). If that sounds like what you’re looking for, I’d love to work with you!

[the-sacred-now]

This... might not be the time to get into my strategies, so please ignore me in favor of fictional violence.

But if anyone else on here having a less terrible time would be interested in a chronic painer's approach to mindfulness meditation... which is like, something you do, to be clear, for the standard benefits of mindfulness meditation, not as a response to elevated pain levels.

But having gone from the exact description above, to an actually really useful meditation practice, and having done so entirely by my own personal trial and error, and error, and error, and since it's a time-honored tumblr pastime to veer into non-sequitor, maybe someone would like these tips?

Let me say once again. I would not do this for my pain. This is about how to do mindfulness meditation in spite of pain. It would be extra hard to do it when pain is above baseline. If pain were below baseline, I would want to do other things to take advantage of that moment. This is best done when your pain is at baseline, imo.

Quick body scan. QUICK. "Yeah yeah yeah it hurts in these places in these ways." Just opening with acknowledgement.

Search for non-pain sensations.

The rest of it is basically different expansions of step two. We're so used to paying attention to our body purely as a pain-and-discomfort map--and then, of course, doing our damnest to IGNORE it, that it gets harder to realize how much neutral sensation is just, being.

If you go "hmm, neutral sensation... actually, wait, the more I pay attention to it, the more I think that one's discomfort." Ok. Acknowledge it, push it to the pain side of the equation, and keep seeking neutrality. We're not strictly ignoring our pain, but it's not what we're paying attention to in this exercise.

Here are some ideas for sensations to seek: warmth/coolness. The movement of air. The sensation of cloth or whatever else isn't air, against skin. The feeling of your own breath. Tingling in the extremities. (Is that a blood volume issue? Yes, but it can feel almost pleasant sometimes.) The feeling of weight--this one is my favorite--of gravity, in different body parts. That's the earth saying "This is one of mine :)"

If any of this is uncomfortable or painful in a way you can't resolve, slide it to the pain side of the graph and keep looking. If any of this is uncomfortable in a way you CAN resolve, by shifting position, changing clothes, moving to a different spot, whatever, then by all means pause the meditation to do that! This is not about learning to endure discomfort. We've already gotten so much extra credit in Endure Discomfort that there's nothing we can do with them any more. DIMINISH DISCOMFORT. Then return to the meditation.

Seriously, it's fine if you spend more than half the meditation time fiddling around. Who even caaares get as comfy as you can control. Call it a "noticing how many small ways I can influence my current experience" practice.

Anyway, if you're still struggling to find neutral sensations, then you can ratchet up to these strategies: find the absences of SPECIFIC physical issues you don't have right now. Ever had a split lip? Notice the sensation of an un-split lip. (Note: I don't suggest doing this for faint sensations it's easy to psych yourself into imagining, like itching, or difficulty breathing, or anything that is likely to arise for you at the drop of a hat. Use "headache" if a headache is something you get sometimes under specific circumstances, don't use it if there's a greater than 3% chance of a migraine coming on while you're dwelling on your un-aching head. Etc.)

Actually look for the ways you know you don't have, for instance, a stubbed toe. Notice what lets you know that. You are capable of feeling the absence of impact, of that lancing pain, of those few seconds of most acute throbbing. This isn't "things could be worse." This is "how do I notice that my toe is actually currently reporting in as "not stubbed"? Where do I find and read that report?

This one's a little more advanced. If you feel ready to get into nuance... look for where you don't feel pain that you do feel in other parts of your body. Got a burning rash all over? What's "all over"? Is there literally no single square inch of skin that is not burning? Check around. Maybe there's not--is it worse on one arm than other? That means it's better on one arm than another. How do I know? What lets me know? That's the big question here. Personally, my hands always hurt. But what does that mean? Every millegram of my hands is in every kind of pain there is, perpetually? No. I can notice when and where the skin of my hands is okay. I can notice that my left pinky finger does not ache--right now.

When I first started, I could not find a single part of my body that did not hurt, no matter how granular I got, at any time. But I could find ways that I didn't hurt, and parts that hurt less than other parts.

It's incredible to actually start cultivating a relationship with my body that's more than one of distress and avoidance. I can now actually pay attention to discomfort cues and reach for comfort more easily, because I'm not tuning it out wholesale. I can answer "How's the body?" much more accurately because now that doesn't only mean "How's the pain?" I've become aware of a lot more tiny pleasures and positive sensations, and I've come to take pleasure in the neutral sensations as well.

So, it takes work, but imo it's worth the work, and it will improve your relationship with your body, imo especially if you have chronic pain, but even with all these tips applied it is not, not, not a pain relief method, and anyone who suggests it is one or could stand in for them needs to go jump in a gas fire and then apply mindfulness exercises directly to the burn.

I’m not sure if this counts as a healthy coping mechanism, but every time I have a shitty interaction with a doctor or my insurance provider I open up the crackfic Deathstroke flower shop AU I started messing around with after I had a dream inspired by reading too many Nightwing comics/playing too much Garden Life simulator before bed, and I get Deathstroke to shoot the fucker.

Not fatally. Just somewhere really painful that would make you reframe how you treat chronic pain patients as “drug seeking” and hand them leaflets about mindfulness instead of offering actual help :)

Anyway. I’m having a normal one today. How are all of you?

[sulandra]

Pregnancy proceeds apace as … you know pregnancy is wont to do. Inspired by @thebibliosphere and all she’s taught me about her chronic health conditions (including vastly improving my ability to manage my own migraines), I wanted to chronicle everything I’ve learnt so far about how endometriosis can affect pregnancy- this is all stuff I had to find out via my own research (both speaking to other endo people, engaging with specialists as I can find them, and reading clinical studies) as none of the midwives or consultants I’ve encountered in my antenatal care so far know anything about endometriosis.

Please note, I am not a doctor and everyone’s experience will differ. If you actually manage to find decent endometriosis specialist then I strongly recommend chatting to them about how pregnancy may be affected by your specific type of endometriosis so you can prepare appropriately.

1. You might struggle to get pregnant - dependant on where your endo is, there is a likelihood of damage to your reproductive organs. Don’t be afraid to speak to specialists early to find out if this might affect you. Here in the UK most GPs will refer you to a fertility specialist as soon as you want to start trying (rather than the typical year most people will have to wait). My endo severely damaged my right ovary (it’s mostly decorative these days) as well as lightly damaged my left. I should have asked for a fertility referral earlier and my treatment ended up getting delayed by a combination of COVID and hospitals struggling to work with my husband’s disability - don’t let any previous poor experience of health care put you off seeking help early.

2. Pregnancy may be painful - endometriosis is typically accompanied by adhesions, scar tissue that glue bits of your internal organs together in unexpected ways. Scar tissue does not like to stretch so you will likely feel the growth of your baby in a way that others may not. I personally haven’t found it a difficult level of pain and it’s certainly fairly low level compared to what I have been used to but it’s not comfortable. A postpartum, endo mother I spoke to recommended belly bands and other support items for the growing belly as the pregnancy goes on as she found it helped limit the painful ‘tugging’ sensation.

3. (Limited) Research suggests that you might struggle to give birth - it’s suggested that a combination of damage, surgical treatments, and adhesions may damage the muscles around the uterus, or even limit it’s movement so your labour may be longer than expected and some research suggests the baby is (slightly) more likely to get stuck. The risks here are a longer birth, higher risks of tearing and a potential for requiring an emergency c-section. I was recommend to work heavily with the Aniball so that my body can learn the movements needed and reduce the likelihood of tearing. It was also suggested to me that I avoid an epidural if I feel able to do so as some women find it makes pushing more difficult - combining this with endo may not give the results you prefer.

4. (Limited) Research suggests that c-sections are a higher risk for women with a history of endometriosis - again thanks to our old friend adhesions, your internal organ layout may not be exactly what the surgeon is expecting. As such, endo sufferers are at a higher risk of both organ damage and postpartum haemorrhage (PPH) following a c-section. As an example of this, some doctors have reported higher rates of bladder and bowel damage in their endo patients. Due to the potential labour issues mentioned above, it’s tempting to think about skipping this entirely and asking for an elective c-section but I was quietly warned away from this due to the higher risk factors.

What have I been recommended? (Please keep in mind that I’m currently in my second trimester so can’t advise how helpful a lot of this guidance will be yet)

1. Seek help early - as mentioned above, speak to a fertility consultant early on to find out if you need help conceiving

2. Exercise if you can - prepare for pregnancy by exercising. Exercises that use your abdominal muscles and pelvic floor may help combat the labour issues mentioned above. Due to severe morning sickness I haven’t been able to exercise much during this pregnancy but I did before getting pregnant so we’ll see if that was enough.

3. Educate yourself and your support team - you’re likely used to dealing with medical professionals that aren’t educated enough about endo (to put it mildly). So do your own research and make sure to pass on that knowledge to your labour support team. Whether that’s your partner, a relative, friend, or doula, they can only effectively support you and your birth plan if they know it and the risks. They need to be able to have your back in the face of inflexible medical professionals and educate those around them if needed. In unlikely event that you need an emergency c-section, make sure your support person(s) know to pass on your endo diagnosis to the surgeon along with the extra risk factors.

4. Prepare - while going with the flow may work for some when facing labour, every postpartum endo mother I’ve spoken to has strongly advised against this approach. Look into hyponobirthing to see if that might work for you, consider using tools like the aniball to limit your tearing risk, think about how you would like to manage the pain taking into account the risk factors of the options, and build a birth plan so you and your team know what to expect. Obviously once everything kicks off the birth plan may have to go out the window and flexibility is important but give yourself a starting point.

5. Take your medical trauma into account - like many with chronic/invisible illnesses, it’s not uncommon for those with endo to have some element of medical trauma. You need to consider how to manage this around the birth in a safe way. As we’ve already outlined, there are some extra risks but also be aware that tension and stress do not mix well with birth. One endo mother I spoke to said that she planned a home birth because of this, she knew just the act of going into hospital would cause her stress and even potentially cause a panic attack so felt she would be much calmer at home. Another managed it by having all the medical professionals go through her husband first. She decided on being in hospital due to the risk factors but wanted as little intervention as possible (as she associated doctors with pain) so her husband supported her by having to restate her decision multiple times and saying no when the doctors wanted to do something contrary to her plan without strong medical reasoning.

[imready4u2]

sexual fantasies

Every woman on earth has fantasized about some explicit sexual fantasy that she may or may not have been too ashamed to talk about. Whether it's your girlfriend or your wife, this top ten list is sure to touch on a forbidden fantasy of her own.

Although most women prefer to leave their fantasies at that, others have a list that they are slowly but surely accomplishing. So the next time your woman seems to be wandering off in thought, who knows, she may be cruising around in the mystical world of sexual fantasy.

So do you think you can guess what some of them are? This list took a lot of time to comprise (and a few bottles of red wine as well), and the women's names have been changed to protect their privacy.

So the next time you're engaging in pillow talk with your lady of the night, her fantasy may be more common than you might think.

drum roll please..

Keep in mind that fantasies are a normal and healthy part of our sexuality. They are either taken from past experiences or may even be entirely imaginary. Sometimes these fantasies are taboo, or socially unacceptable, therefore they are only available through fantasy. But as you'll figure out today, the modern woman marvels at sex and sexuality.

10. Strangers in the night

Many women relish the idea of meeting up with a mystery man and going to some no-name motel with him for a wild night of uninhibited sex. Sometimes women feel like the only people they can truly let loose with are strangers simply because they won't be judged. And who cares anyway? They'll probably never see the beautiful stranger again.

Francine divulged her perspective, "The idea of sharing a passionate night with a stranger and behaving like a sexual predator doesn't just sound inviting; it sounds delicious. And leaving after we're done without even knowing each other's names is the best part."

9. The more the merrier

Group sex was a popular one among the ladies. "The freedom of being nude in front of a bunch of people who are equally exposed, allowing different men and women to touch and penetrate your body simultaneously is incredibly erotic."

Now don't mistakenly assume that all women want to engage in group intercourse, and gather up all your buddies for your next date (unless, of course, she asks you to).

8. Who's your daddy?

If there's one thing that women are dying to do, it's dominate a man like never before. The creative ideas that flowed from this topic were quite interesting, to say the least. They included:

spanking him

ordering him to perform certain sexual acts

making him beg for what he wants

having him suck on their stiletto heels or some other phallic object

7. Lay me out on display

In today's world of confident women, I was not surprised to learn that many of them fantasize about having an audience whilst engaging in sexual acts with a partner. I guess the idea of knowing that others are getting excited by their "performance" provides them with a feeling of empowerment.

"Imagining that people are watching me while I'm taking my partner's manhood into my mouth gives me a feeling of satisfaction because it makes me feel sexier." Perhaps these women feel as though they're participating in an erotic movie... speaking abstractly, of course.

6. Sexually ravaged

Although most women agreed that they fantasize about having a master, their role in the scenario differed. Whereas some women said that they would surrender to their master's demands, others opposed the idea and said that they would resist and disobey his commands.

Vicky said, "Having him instruct me on how to lick and suck his member or at what pace to ride him will make me orgasm faster than I can say Yes, Master." On the other hand, Denise interrupted saying, "It depends. In some fantasies I obey, yet in others I fight him and refuse to do anything he says until he finally ties me to the bed and calms me with his rhythmic penetration."

Whew, is it hot in here, or is it just me???

5. I taw, I taw a putty tat

Come on, guys, I'm sure you smelled this one coming from miles away (no pun intended... seriously). Yes, virtually every woman wants or will share her body with another woman. Are you jealous because you get left out? Don't be, most of these women want their man to watch them while they work... or play, as the case may be.

"The idea of touching another soft, hairless body and softly sucking her tongue, amongst other things, seems very erotic," said Sara. Actually that does sound pretty inviting, but won't it be difficult for you guys to sit in the corner and just watch? After all, these women don't want you to participate -- okay, one of them did.

4. Leave a good tip

Keeping in mind that the women interviewed are professionals with commendable careers, some of them fantasized about being strippers, while others took things a step further and imagined being prostitutes. Obviously, the fantasy is romanticized beyond belief because the life of either is not so glamorous that women would opt to have it as a career choice.

"While I'm performing a lap dance for my customer, he hands me a $100 bill and requests that I perform the lap dance... minus his pants," Tina boldly stated. When I asked Amber about her prostitution fantasy, she said, "The gentleman would pick me up in his expensive car and I would ride him in the driver's seat in some dingy back alley. He would pay me my fee and I'd be on my way."

3. Two can chew

Most men enjoy being spoiled by two women who fawn over them simultaneously. In the same instance, women also fantasize about having two men all over their bodies. Some wanted a more gentle erotic scene, while the rare few wanted porno-like sex.

One of the most interesting statements regarding two men was having one penetrate her while the other licked her clitoris. It sounds virtually impossible (especially if the guys are not bisexual), but nevertheless intriguing.

Other good ones include having two guys perform cunnilingus simultaneously, or having one guy perform oral sex while the other sucks on her breasts. Oh, and this goes on for hours by the way.

Another woman made no secret of the fact that she wants to be nasty and do all the taboo things that most women would find degrading. She wants to be penetrated from the anus and the vagina, she wants the guys to release their load all over her, and craziest of all, she wants to be blindfolded through it all.

2. Strap me on, I'm going in

By far, one of the most popular fantasies women have is being the man for one night... literally. They would like to act and dress up like a man, and I mean straight down to the penis. That's right, I'm referring to a strap-on penis.

One woman actually had the opportunity to fulfill her fantasy and took full advantage of her boyfriend's willingness. "It was absolutely incredible to be able to penetrate a man and feel the empowerment usually associated with being the aggressor."

"There's something about having a man in a vulnerable position that is an incredible turn-on." Carol admitted. The idea of knowing that we're in the position that is usually assumed by men is probably the most aphrodisiacal element of it all.

1. Ooh, my virgin ears

Although saying "rape fantasy" sounds somewhat unthinkable, that's exactly what most women call it. They want to play the innocent, naive, unknowing little girl who gets taken advantage of by the devious, predator-like man.

Forcibly pushing her against the wall and "pinning my arms above my head with one hand while the other hand has made its way under my skirt and is fondling my vagina," received nods of approval by all the women in the room. Andrea went even further expecting the man to "rip off my clothes, force open my legs, penetrate me, and concurrently smear my lipstick all over my face with his forceful kiss." Hmmm, interesting.

Guys, please keep in mind that these are fantasies; don't read this article and take it as a reason to get medieval on your women. The reason fantasies are so cherished is because the majority of them will never be realized.

So have you ever heard any of these before? Or better yet, have you ever participated in any of them? Women of the new millennium have established their position in this sexually charged environment... and I mean that exactly how it sounds.

So gentlemen, protect yourselves at all time, and start doing that by getting yourself some condoms. Until next time, enjoy the femme fatale of your fantasies!

[chonideno]

hi magali! i hope your day goes/went well. as someone who recently (?) finished grad school, do u have advice for choosing + applying + getting through grad school? if that's too many, please feel free to answer just one!!

Hi! I take it you’re about to start grad school? I hope you find what you’re looking for, grad school sure is Something.

idk if any of the advice I can give you will be relevant, I applied to/got in grad school in 2015 and graduated in 2017, so it’s been a little bit. Also I bet things vary depending on where you live and what’s your exact situation. I went to grad school in a foreign country and my experience throughout the whole process was largely impacted by the fact that I was an expatriate, idk how it’d be for you.

How to choose your grad school: don’t hesitate to branch out! I was a biologist after I got my bachelor’s, grad school made me an engineer. It’s the right moment to broaden your horizons. Of course check the tuition fees if applicable and think about your budget as a student but once you’ve established what money you can/cannot spend, only aim for what interests you the most. I would also highly encourage you to move away and discover a whole new place if you can. To pick a grad school you should at least consider letting go of all petty things that hold you back. It’s going to be a whole show no matter where you go, so go big and far.

How to apply to grad school: of boy. Late at night? Desperately? With mozzarella sticks? I have no advice to give you besides - make sure you have other people re-read your cover letters (teachers, family, friends). Go out and ask your professors and internship supervisors for a recommendation letter as well, I know it feels Bad sometimes but fuck that, just do it because you really need it. Polish that resume (learn LaTeX!) and talk about how This Specific Grad School makes sense in the path of your education, it’s the natural continuity of your projects and would be the perfect transition between what you’ve done until now and what you think you’ll do in the future. Bring them in your story, show that you’ve thought this through, make it personal to the point where you feel like you’re talking to the selection committee face to face, pointing a finger at them and telling them “I want you in my life”.

How to get through grad school: uh. By not counting your hours? I won’t lie to you, it will be really hard. The first month or so will be super nice and full of parties but once the first hint of mid-semester exams shows up, please figure out how to book private study spaces on your campus library and get in there at 9 in the morning at the latest every Sunday. Your life will be studying and studying only for 10 months a year. In this mindset, please please please take care of yourself,and by this I mean: 

keep a water bottle with you always

stock up on multivitamins

exercise! gosh I know how it sounds but the endorphins will seriously keep you alive and in the worst times will be the only thing allowing you to get up and go to class

accept that sometimes your social life will be sharing a table with friends at a library and that’s all

eat a vegetable! please!

look up how to reach out the mental health services of your school and don’t hesitate if things go south

I had a thesis to write and I spent 3 months straight working 7 days a week in the lab (I wasn’t supposed to be there but uh I got a key and told no-one about it), and another 7 months writing and coding and being on the verge of either falling asleep on my desk or burning out. After graduation I slept for 20 hours and I was unable to function for a month. Do better than I did and don’t ruin your health over an additional point on a grading scale. For the love of god take care of yourself.

This being said I don’t regret going to grad school at all, and I would do it all over again (just, with more sleep). Good luck!

[black-lake]

astro observations 8

though most of us think we've learned everything about our own chart, yea we’ve seen it countless times, yet we're always learning new things because we go through experiences that activate and awaken certain parts we either forgot about or overlooked. I shared many of my personal experiences in this post of things I realized later or thought were insignificant.

——

🎻 People with capricorn placements tend to be remembered fondly after their death. The type of artists that listening to their music takes you to a different era and makes you feel nostalgic to a time period you never existed in. They also can easily bring old trends, styles or music genres back to life. Signs that are also remembered after death are aquarius and pisces. I always notice it with those last three signs or degrees of these signs.

🎻 It is said that the moon matures at 24°, so I got a degree observation with that. If you have it at 24° or close to it, 23° or 22°, you may feel like you've experienced the full spectrum of emotions and matured so much in your early 20s. In your childhood and teenage years, you may remember dealing with emotions immaturely, possibly acting out with the negative traits of the moon sign. At 24, you feel more aware and in control of your emotions, like you ended a cycle. Your emotional intelligence becomes evident. The emotional world of these natives is almost entirely internal. They do best when they can deal with their emotions in solitude. They're seen as detached no matter how open they get. They keep people guessing what they're feeling and they tend to have a wise aura.

🎻 With moon at degrees from 25° to 29°, natives may feel like they need to share their emotions with either someone close or the world in general, or even through a hobby they have. They may want to be vocal and expressive about how they feel. They tend to be relatable and make others feel heard through just expressing themselves and being open. They may also experience some heartbreaks, making them stronger, braver and and more willing to share how they feel. 

🎻 Moon at degrees from 0° to 21° tend to resonate very much with the sign of their moon degree. They might even be mistaken as having their moon in the the sign of that degree. They're seen as energetic and youthful. They often go through trials and errors in testing their emotional depth. They may have been adventurous growing up, experimenting with things and testing where they feel safest and most secure. They may cling into things, and can be codependent on others. They learn how to develop a sense of detachment as they reach their 20s.

^ if you have your moon at 0° to 21°, which I'm least familiar with cuz I don't meet many ppl with these degrees, please do tell me how it resonates with you and your experience with your moon.

🎻 I noticed that most iconic artists have significant uranus or neptune aspects in their chart, conjunction and oppositions with personal planets in particular. I associate these two planets with artistic abilities and talents. Both give visionary minds and expand the imagination. They are outer and generational planets, so whatever art these ppl create is impactful and undeniably timeless. 

🎻 Your first love or just the person you first felt really intimately connected to may have placements or degrees of the sign of your 8th house. I have an 8th house in capricorn and my first love had a cap sun and stellium and an aqua stellium. 

🎻 In my experience the 8th house is more important in relationships than the 7th. To me the 7th is about connections in general. Even though I have sag in the 7th and pluto right there, I obvs anticipated a significant relationship with a sag or something but it never happened lol. I end up having a casual and lighthearted connection with them, the traits they embody compliments my rising and it's an easy going connection that stays in the friend zone. Not with cap men, even if I want to be friends with them, there's tension that either drifts us apart fearing the friendship or it instantly develops to an intense relationship. It's because my 8th house is in capricorn, and my pluto and mars are both at 10°. So check the degrees too.

🎻 For the longest time I resonated with being way more plutonian than saturnian, because I don't have any capricorn placements or significant saturn aspects, but so many obvious plutonian aspects. But once saturn hit the highest point in my chart, conjuncting my mc, I realized how much this planet affected my life all along and I was oblivious. For instance, I have so many capricorn degrees and sun in the 10th. I was overlooking that I have capricorn in the 8th and 9th, which means saturn rules both houses, and it rules the 10th too since it's in aquarius plus at 22°. I also have a stellium in the 11th with saturn right at the cusp there, so it even influences the the house that is most active in my chart. Can't wait for saturn 11th transit 💀

🎻 Speaking of that, if you have sun in the 10th house, you probably try hard not to look or sound arrogant because people tend to think you're confident even if you're not. Whenever you speak people listen and others may hate on you for thinking you're better than them and you don't even know them lol. It's so hard to make friends with this but I don't hate it, because it gives me the strategic ways to be persuasive and get my way with authority figures. May apply to leo in the 10th or people with cap/leo mix (I bet y'all were called arrogant at least once lol).

🎻 As someone that is very influenced by pluto (square sun, trine venus, semi-sextile mars, conjunct chiron, opposite ascendant, quintile mc), I painfully understand how plutonians feel like their struggles are never rewarded, at least not the reward they anticipated. Yknow with saturn you go through hardship you learn this and that and you get tangible fucking results that you can fucking see. With pluto what is it again? your inner strength and eventual realization of "ta-daaa you went through it, you thought you couldn’t.. that's the reward". Plutonians out there waiting to be truly happy, truly loved, truly effing rich 💀 and get a damn break. 

🎻 Another aspect I overlooked was mars opposite saturn, just because I have it at 10°, but I experienced every single thing related to this aspect. I feel like I learned so much about it the hard way and I wanted to do a post sharing what I learned with people that got mars-saturn harsh aspects. If you have it, your flow of energy may be a little off, not knowing when to STOP doing a task and when to start again. Being stubborn with your work wanting it to be done instantly and perfectly like your body is some type of machine taking orders, but saturn will put obstacles in your way until you learn patience and contentment. Can be harder to deal with if mars is in a fixed or cardinal sign.

🎻 With mars-saturn harsh aspects, you may feel the urge to act on your martian qualities but if you disregard what saturn is there for, you'll find yourself back at square one. It's about listening to your body and not ignoring your physical and mental exhaustions. Taking short breaks and organizing your time instead of giving up all together in rage. You're not running out of time if you do so, in fact pushing through too hard is what's a waste of time. It's not a wise use of energy because your work won't be as efficient and your perfectionist ass will redo it. If there's an absence of a healthy work-life balance, these natives can internalize a tremendous amount of anger that can be detrimental to their health. 

🎻 I always laugh at capricorns saying that capricorn is a cursed sign because it's so true but also absolutely untrue at the same time. 💀 These natives need to understand certain life patterns, qualities and duties that once figured out unlocks so much success and tangible results that are long lasting. Cap placements especially sun and stelliums give me the sense that they inherited some of their ancestors qualities, if you believe in that, but they go through some hardships with the patterns that come with these qualities. They have a choice to cut the patterns that don't serve them, whether in behaviors or ways of thinking and utilise what they already have with persistence and strategy. 

🎻 Well it's march already, who's excited for a little pluto break? It's finally leaving capricorn and entering aquarius on the 23rd and I can't wait tbh. It's like a more intense uranus in aquarius transit, yes we will see a new sense of freedom, some drastic changes, and some said authentic people popping up, new sources of income, new values that aren't necessarily money related, systems that aren't as controlling, maybe new communities or apps on the internet that are annoyingly trendy. But with pluto we will see the shadow side of all of that, so buckle up and get ready lol. It's a gradual change tho I don't expect much to happen this year, but we can always be shocked. Also side thought, if your kids are gonna have pluto in aquarius they may be even brattier and harder to control than pluto sag gen. 

[cordeliahrose]

Feeling / Sensing Energy

Energy sensing is the ability to feel or sense energetic vibrations in some way, and it is the foundation of energy work.

Energy sensing is a foundational skill recommended to beginners within witchcraft. While it isn't exactly necessary to begin, it is a wonderful skill, and can help you in developing your practice further. Many people will tell beginners that energy sensing is a required skill to begin practicing witchcraft, but energy work and witchcraft are slightly different. While they can and do overlap often, they are not the same practice.

Witchcraft VS Energy Work

*please keep in mind this is entirely based on my views and experiences of these practices

Witchcraft is the practice of using tools to harness your energy towards a certain goal.

Energy work is the practice of sensing and manipulating the energy around you to work towards a certain goal.

How can you get started with energy sensing?

Everything has it's own energy signature, even you.

The easiest way to start is by learning what your own energy feels like. Learning your energy signature is something I recommend to every beginner of either of these practices, as well as people new to spirit work. Because it's a part of you, it is the easiest energy signature you'll be able to sense. Having that baseline to look like back to will also make it easier to understand other signatures as well.

My two favorite methods for sensing your energy signature are:

Pushing your energy out into your hands ~ Rub your hands together until they feel warm, while focusing on pushing your energy out through them. You can visualize this as well, or just try to feel it without the visualization. Separate your hands a bit. It might feel like a magnet keeping them separated if you try to close them again. What does this feel like? What do you feel? You can absorb your energy back into yourself by focusing on the energy entering your body through your hands again. You can also just let the energy go by completely separating your hands.

Visualizing (part 1) ~ Sit or lay in a way that is comfortable for you, and close your eyes. Take a few breathes, and begin focusing on how your body feels at the moment. Visualize a light starting at the center of your body. Feel the source of the light vibrating. Watch as the light grows across your body, eventually surrounding you. Continue to feel the light vibrating everywhere it reaches. Try to move some part of your body, and watch as the light and vibration follows.

Visualizing (part 2) ~ This part is the same as the first, but with your eyes open. This part is mainly focused on the feeling without the visualization. Rather than seeing the light, just feel it.

Don't worry if you don't get this right away, it takes practice. I don't remember where I learned the first technique, but it took me a couple of months the get it. I had a friend who tried it and it took her even longer than that.

After you've gotten the hang of sensing your own energy, try moving on to something new. I suggest picking something close to you, maybe your favorite crystal, favorite flower, your pet, a close friend.

My favorite techniques for this are:

Physical Contact ~ If it's an object such as a crystal you can hold in your hands. If it's a plant you can put your hands in the soil around it. If it's an animal or another human, you can hold their hand, or pet or hold them in the case of an animal. Try to focus on finding their energy signature. It might be easier at first to find your energy signature, and then focus in on theirs.

Hovering your hands around them ~ This is exactly the same as the first technique, but rather than physically touching the object, person, or animal, your just hovering your hands near or above.

Just sitting in the same room ~ Again, this is the same as before, but rather than being close to the object, person, animal, etc. you are just sitting in the same room as them.

Each of the techniques gets progressively harder, and that is intentional. Physical contact is great for energy sensing, but it isn't always possible, and it's good to know how to do it without needing physical contact.

Once you've gotten the hang of sensing energy from things close to you, you can try to move on to outside things. This can be anything, really.

The next step would be, if you work with any spirits or deities, ask them if they would be present for this practice. Then, just sit in the area you're in, and try to focus on their energy.

What does energy feel like?

For me, energy feels like vibrations. When I hold my hands around a plant, I can feel vibrations coming off of it. When a spirit is around, I can the vibration of the room change, but I can tell that my vibration stays the same. This is one of the reasons that I can walk into a room and sense the strongest energy in the room. It's like a vibration coming off of that person.

I couldn't say what energy feels like to other people. My only experience with it, obviously, is through me. Which is also why I recommend writing down or somehow recording what you feel during your practice. Part of the learning process is figuring out what energy feels like to you.

What has an energy signature?

All living things

Every spirit, deity, or other entity

Things created by the earth, such as rocks and minerals, and the earth itself

Natural spaces also typically have their own energy signature, places like the ocean, a lake, a forest

Homes, a home usually has a spirit of the home

Objects that hold history. A family heirloom, a historical object, etc

I'm sure I'm forgetting something on that list, but just to give you an idea.

I plan on making more posts in the future about energy work and more of the basics of it, so if there is a topic within energy work that anyone reading this would like me to talk about, feel free to mention it and I'll add it onto my list!

[shorkbrian]

I swear I ain’t in it for the money, but I can’t stop thinking about sugar daddy shoto. Maybe he sweeps a cute little college kid or barista of their feet, just something fun and casual. But this man starts falling harder, needing a way to lock them down to him. Money isn’t quite cutting it anymore, so he decides fucking a baby into her would do the trick. Shoto would push her down into the mattress, large frame twisting her into a sweet mating press. This way they could stay together forever and Shoto would have absolutely no problem providing for his sweet family <3

but fr tho I feel like Shouto is NOT the type for kids.

Mans will tolerate them when they babble or wave at him, but he very actively Does Not Want them.

Always uses condoms, and even though he’ll threaten not to, it’s never a legit thought in his mind to cum inside. Shouto doesn’t want to be a dad.

-----

You’ll be sittin on a park bench, fading sunset dark and pretty in front of you yet all you can do is cry. There’s not really any people around so it’s not like you’re bothering anyone - you hadn’t wanted to cry in your shabby apartment (half the cause of your worries) just in case you received a noise complaint.

“Are you alright?”

A somber, smooth voice is heard. You’re swiping at your tears quickly as you look up, trying to laugh off your state of distress. “Oh, haha, yeah I’m fine. Thanks for asking.” It’s hard to smile with your puffy cheeks and red-rimmed eyes.

The man in front of you frowns, hands in his coat pockets, scarf draped around his neck. “You don’t look fine. Mind if I sit?”

He’s already claiming the spot next to you on the bench before you can say a word, turning to you with a passive expression. “Why are you crying?”

And that’s all it takes to have you breaking down all over again, tears streaming down your face. Just one person offering to listen to the heavy burden you have to bear.

‘’M sor-sorry...” You sob, wiping at your eyes with frigid fingers, successful in doing nothing more but smearing tears around your face.

“Here.” The man’s taking off his scarf, gloved hands offering it you.

“I ca-can’t use your sc-scarf sir.” But he’s insistent, pressing it into your hands up by your face.

“I’ll just get another one. Keep it, you’re in need of it more than I am.”

The kindness makes another fresh bout of tears roll down your cheeks, but this time you're able to dab them away with soft fabric as you sniffle.

It takes a moment for you to calm yourself. When you do, you can finally engage in conversation with the man.

You tell him about your job hours getting cut, how you’ve been turned down or ignored by every single place you’ve applied at for a second job. How you’re barely affording to wash your clothes - you have to hang them or drape them across things in your apartment because you don’t have the money to pay for a dryer cycle.

And to top it all off, you’re still short on rent, despite how you scrimped and saved and even forced yourself not to buy groceries this week - you’ve gone hungry for the past three days.

“You haven’t eaten?”

You glance up at the man and his incredulous expression, shaking your head. “I’ve been trying to save money, I thought I could afford my rent if-”

“What kind of food do you like?” The man is pulling out his phone, swiping and tapping immediately. 

“Thank you, but I’m not-” looking for charity is what you want to say. Plus, you shouldn’t accept favors from strange men.

But the handsome man is waving you silent. “I’m cold, plus I’d like to grab a bite to eat before I head home. I don’t like eating alone though, you’d honestly be doing me a favor.”

You take a moment to process. Is he telling the truth? He sounds like an honest guy.

“Seems like the only place open around here is “Joe’s 24 hour Diner”.... You mind burgers?”

So that's how you end up in a booth opposite the man (”Shouto” he had told you as you both headed to the diner), munching away at warm food. It tastes so good, you hardly have time to worry about the man watching you as he eats.

You’d been shocked at his looks the moment you’d seen him in the light of the diner. Pretty two-toned hair, different colored eyes, perfect skin, expensive clothes. Why was he even talking to you? It’s obvious the two of you led very different lives.

“How does everything taste?”

“Delicious.” Is your response, and Shouto seems pleased, nodding before taking another bite of his meal.

Maybe it’s stupid... but you feel weirdly safe with this man. He doesn’t seem to bear any ill-intent towards you, nor has he made any comments about your body or let his hands or eyes stray. He seems like a gentleman.

Conversation flows easily between the two of you, even sharing a few chuckles at times. He’s some fancy rich businessman, you learn, and you share about your own life, laughing at the comparisons. Shouto can’t fathom growing up in a house with less than five bedrooms and a personal servant.

He asks for your number, and you’re hesitant in giving it - he surely can’t be interested in you? But he seems so sincere, it’s hard to say no.

When the two of you part ways, Shouto gives you a wave, “Hope to see you again soon, and under better circumstances.”

“You too! And sorry for being such a mess and stopping your walk-”

Shouto shrugs, cheeks beginning to pink from the cold air as you two stand outside the diner. “You needed help. I like to assist.”

-----

The next morning you wake to find an atrociously large sum deposited in your Venmo account by none other than a Shouto Todoroki.

Immediately, you’re calling him. “It’s too much, we just met. How can you give away that much money to some low-life?”

You hear him sigh on the other end of the phone. “You’re obviously struggling. I was wondering what your hours are this week, perhaps we could talk about this over dinner? Or lunch, if that fits better with your schedule. I’m flexible.”

It’s a few days later, days spent questioning yourself, questioning his intentions, before you see him again, both of you deciding to meet for lunch to further discuss... whatever had just happened.

“Was what I gave you adequate to cover your rent?” Are the first words out of Shouto’s mouth after you greet each other.

“Yeah, more than enough-” You squirm. “But I need to ask.... why?”

“Why?”

“Why me.” 

“Oh.” Shouto’s expression clears. “That’s easy. I told you a few days ago - I like to assist. I’m quite lonely, and it feels nice to use my money on someone other than myself. I think providing for someone brings me... I wouldn’t quite say joy, but... contentment.”

You contemplate his answer for a moment. 

“Well... you saved me with my rent, I don’t really know how to thank you.”

The man leans forward. “Well.... I know it might be a bit sudden, but how would you feel accepting me as a.... benefactor of sorts?”

“You mean like a sugar daddy?” Is your immediate, blurted response. You want to slap yourself for speaking before you have the chance to think about your words, but luckily Shouto just lets out a light laugh.

“If you’d like to call it that. I’m willing to provide financial assistance for you, in exchange for companionship, if you’re willing to give it.”

Your face heats up as you drop your eyes, fidgeting nervously in your seat. “I don’t feel comfortable with a... a sexual relationshi-”

“That’s perfectly acceptable.” Shouto cuts you off before you can continue. “I wasn’t trying to insinuate a contract of that nature. I’m thinking more along the lines of accompanying me at meals, sharing experiences with me, providing company and friendship to a lonely man. If it seems that we’d like to progress further than that after we get to know each other, well, that will be addressed then. For now-” Shouto meets your eye, dipping his head a smidgeon so he can look at you directly. “All I ask for is a simple, non-intimate bond between two people.”

This is crazy.

And yet you accept.

The situation may be wild, and completely absurd, but you’d be a fool not to say yes.

Shouto is charming and handsome, respectful, courteous - you could go on and on about his positive qualities. He just seems like a sad, lonesome man swallowed by work and responsibilities, too stressed and busy to put the effort into making friends the conventional way. 

-----

Months pass by.

You’re eating at every meal, sated and never going hungry. You’re able to move into a new place, one that doesn’t smell like cigarettes and sits right next to a railroad.

Clothes aren’t a worry anymore, you have your own washer and dryer in your new apartment (Shouto offered to buy you a house, or a penthouse at the least, but you couldn’t justify it to yourself). You’re able to afford new things, and pretty dresses, shoes that are comfortable and fashionable and that fit.

You no longer have to wear clothes down until they have holes in them. You’re able to go to the doctor’s when you feel sick, able to pay for health insurance.

Life is good.

Shouto is a personable man, serious, but he can be rather funny and even crude at times.

The doubt and thoughts of “Why is he doing this for me?” and “I’m not good enough for this.” plague you, but Shouto always seems to catch on, reassuring you that you’re exactly what he needs - a friend.

And you’re more than happy to be that.

You think sometimes, that even if he wasn’t paying you, you’d still like to be friends with Shouto Todoroki.

Until he starts acting weird.

“You should just stay at my place. I have more than enough room,, it’d be easier for both our schedules. We’d get to see each other more often.”

“Uhm...” You don’t really know what to say. You like your freedom, and having your own place where you can walk around in your (expensive) underwear without being bothered.

“I think it’d be nice, don’t you? We could have breakfast every morning, you wouldn’t have to worry about traveling to and fro, we could spend more time together. We don’t see each other nearly enough.”

He’s pushing, insistent. How are you supposed to tell him no? He’s paying for your entire life. Plus, it wouldn’t be that bad to actually live with him. Shouto’s an amicable man.

So you move in.

“I bought you a few things, they’re on your bed.” 

Shouto’s striding into the kitchen where you’re making coffee, buttoning up his shirt as he comes closer. You’ve found that the man likes to sleep in nothing but boxers, shrieking and flushing an embarrassing shade the first time he’d come to wake you up with a sweet “welcome” breakfast in bed.

It’s taken a while to adjust, but you finally feel that you’re fully settled in.

“Oh, you really don’t ha-”

“I wanted to. I went through your closet - your clothes are nice, but your underwear seemed to be lacking.” He’s so matter-of-fact.

All you can do is stare at the back of his head.

“Could you pass me a spoon please?”

-----

Shouto had splurged on expensive, fancy lingerie. 

At least eight different sets were laid out on your bed. It was overwhelming. It also felt.... a bit intrusive? They were all in your size, in a complementary color for your skin tone. 

Weird.

Not as weird as the onset of Shouto’s casual touches.

You’d be reading, or drinking tea and watching cars race by on the street so far below, and Shouto would come up behind you, caress your sides before intertwining his fingers with yours on one hand. He did it as if it was a normal thing, but it felt anything but normal.

Or you’d be on the couch together, and Shouto would shuffle closer until his large body was pressed to yours, almost curled around you. The faux-cuddling was a bit more off putting. How do you tell him no?

The touches became more and more intimate, Shouto’s gifts more and more frequent until you weren’t even spending a penny, the man taking care of everything.

The arrangement was beginning to make you uncomfortable.

Shouto’s bi-colored eyes seemed to always be on you, tracing the shape of your body, watching you move, or breath, or sit. It was distracting, and you felt bad for feeling this way towards the man who’d pulled you out of poverty, but it was so unnerving.

He seemed to notice.

“You’ve been so stressed these past few days. Is something wrong?” Shouto’s rubbing a hand into your shoulder, hovering over you at the dinner table.

“No?” Is all you can manage, wiping your hands on your napkin as you finish your food.

Shouto frowns. With a sigh, his hand drops from your shoulder and the man leaves your side, heads toward the kitchen.

You clear your plate from the table, following after him so you can wash it and put it in the dishwasher before you head off to get ready for bed. 

But Shouto is rummaging in a cupboard, pulling down two wine glasses to accompany the bottle of wine that’s standing proud on the island.  It’s your favorite, a sweet wine that Shouto knows you like, always brings it out when he decides to drink whisky or bourbon after dinner.

He pops the cork and pours you a glass while you finish with your dishes, handing you the glass when you turn away from the sink, pressing it into your hands. “Let’s relax a little bit, it’ll be good for both of us.”

You’re fine with that, knowing that a little wine won’t hurt you, especially when it’s of such fine quality. You’d never dreamed that you’d be able to taste such richness in your lifetime, spend frivolous amounts of money on wine and fine eateries. Yet here you are.

Shouto pours himself a glass, barely a sip filling the bottom. The man raises it to his lips and takes a swig, grimacing a bit in his flat, unexpressive way. You giggle a little.

“Too sweet?’

The man nods, setting the glass back down. “I’m not entirely sure how you can stand to stomach it. But if it makes you happy-” He shrugs, before pulling on of the bar-stools out from under the island so he can sit facing you, long legs stretching out before him.

You look at him, and he looks at you, and then you take another sip of wine to avoid the awkwardness.

“You’re distancing yourself from me.”

The accusation is quiet, Shouto’s eyes focused on your fingers wrapped around the stem of the glass.

He’s always been straightforward with his words. “Is there a reason you keep drawing away?”

The wine disappears from your glass, sliding down your throat and settling in your stomach. You fill your glass again before speaking, struggling to find the right words without upsetting your... benefactor.

“Well, Shouto... I don’t really know how to...” You trail off, hoping Shouto will say something, change the subject, say it’s alright and move on to something else.

But the man stays silent, eyes appraising you.

Taking a deep breath, and another gulp of sweetness, you try again.

“Sometimes the closeness... like, physical closeness? Makes me, well, uncomfortable.”

Hopefully, that would satisfy his curiosity for now. That wasn’t the only reason you’d been avoiding Shouto seeming distant, but you didn’t think sharing the others would result in anything good.

Said man accepted your response, dropping his eyes to his lap as he mulled it over. More wine was consumed, glass re-filled. You felt nervous.

“You’re saying that my touch isn’t something you’d prefer.”

Biting your lip, you soften at his confused expression, at the hint of sadness swimming behind his eyes. “Kind of. I don’t mind you Shouto, you’re really kind, and you’re good company, and a wonderful friend. I just don’t think the.... the intimacy is for me.”

Shouto raises his head, stares at you with those pretty eyes, lips parted as he comes to terms with your words. 

“It sounds like you don’t trust me. I would never hurt you, you know this.”

You scramble to assure him. “I do! I do trust you, and I know you wouldn’t.” (at least you hoped) “But I guess I just... Coming into this agreement I wasn’t ready for that type of... thing. I don’t know if I ever will be.”

The man rises, shakes his head as he steps closer to you. “Don’t worry, I remember our first conversation about that aspect. I see that for you, that type of relationship would only begin after you really cared for the other person, trusted and wanted to see them happy, am I correct?”

“Oh, Shouto-” You rush. “No, I care for you, and I trust you, and of course I want to see you happy. I think it’s just, y’know, my last relationship like that went really bad, and it sucked. I don’t want to go through that again.”

Shouto nods, understanding. “I see. You don’t have to worry about any of that with me then.”

A smile crosses your face, and you feel relived that he accepted your rejection with grace and understanding instead of violence or anger. “Thank you, it means a lot to me.”

The mood of the room shifted, from tense and uncomfortable, to easy and light, and you poured another glass of wine, laughing a little at how worried you were about the conversation with Shouto, only for it all to turn out fine.

“I’m going to go drink some of the liquor that’s kept in my room. I could mix a few drinks for you to try, you might like how sweet they are. I know hard alcohol isn’t quite your thing.”

You beam a smile, nodding your head eagerly. Before, you’d feel apprehensive about going into his room with him to drink alcohol. But with the conversation the two of you just had, you knew - things would be fine.

-----

The room was spinning and you felt giddy and light. You were definitely tipsy.

“You can lay down on my bed, you’re getting wobbly on your feet.” Shouto had offered, and you’d gladly accepted, flopping down onto his comfy bedspread with a laugh at how the motion made butterflies rise in your tummy.

Shouto leaned against his dresser, swirling whiskey in his glass as he watched you, a half-smile across his face. You smiled back, before closing your eyes, a little bit tired as you realized that you might be a bit more than just tipsy.

Shouto had mixed quite a few drinks for you, and you’d drank each one eagerly, impressed with how little alcohol you could taste in each one. You don’t remember how many you had, but it didn’t really matter.

The next thing you know, hands are on your waist, scooting you further up the bed so your legs no longer hang off the edge. Cracking open an eye, you’re met with the visage of red-and-white, eyes soft and warm as they regard you, Shouto’s face tinged a bit pink from the few drinks he had consumed. The man had never been too good at holding his alcohol.

When those hands started to slip beneath your shirt, you wiggled like a little worm, not really comprehending the situation. Maybe it was a dream.

Your shirt was discarded, then your pants. It felt much more comfortable now, and you mumbled a “thanks” to the man helping you settle for bed. He was so nice, Shouto took such good care of you. You still kind of couldn’t believe the turn your life had taken with him, the good luck pushed into your path.

Someone was kissing you.

With a grunt of surprise, you kissed them back, meeting their feverish pace and trying to keep up, soft lips puckering and pushing against your own with intent. Kissing felt good. You liked kissing.

Then a hand was cupping your face, stroking tenderly over your cheek before it began sliding down, down your neck, into the valley between your breasts, trailing over your bra. It felt funny.

Pushing back for air, you gasped when the hand on your chest started squeezing at you, eyes flying open with the startling, sudden sensation.

Shouto was hovering over you, lips puffy, panting as he stared at you with lusty eyes, an uncharacteristic look on his face. This... this wasn’t supposed to be like this. You knew. Hadn’t the two of you just talked about something... important? Was it important?

You didn’t feel panic until a hand cupped your sex, feeling your skin through your panties.

This wasn’t right.

Alarm bells were ringing, dull and far away, but you didn’t think that Shouto should be touching you in such a way. you should be going to bed.

“Mm, Sho, can you stop?” But your words felt funny on your tongue, and Shouto didn’t stop. Maybe he didn’t hear you.

His hair tickled your chin as the man bent to mouth at your tits, pulling the cups of your bra underneath them so he could feel your hot skin, let his saliva drag slick and wet against your chest. 

Your hands instinctively rooted themselves in his hair as you gasped again, not expecting such a move, tugging lightly at his head to pull him up. Shouto just groaned, teething gently at your breasts and not moving an inch. His hips were grinding against the bed though, as he stood between your spread legs.

Before you knew it, your panties were gone, bra clumsily unclasped and discarded, and you were completely bare. Shouto was undressing before you, struggling with the buttons on his shirt before giving up, easily ripping the fabric of his body with one tug, grumbling.

You didn’t feel so tipsy anymore.

“Shouto, what’re we doing? We shouldn’t be doing this, we need to stop-”

“Stay down.” Was his firm command, a hand splayed across your naked chest and pushing you back into the mattress as you tried to sit up. It made you breathless, the growl in his voice, the dominance emanating from the man. You stayed still.

“This’s gonna make us a stronger couple.” The man slurred, eyes dark and hands wandering, effortlessly keeping you pinned against the bed as he ground his hips forward against the edge. You were getting scared.

“Wait-”

You fell silent as one hand pushed down his pants, his underwear going with them, pink cock bobbing free. He was so pretty down there, and it made sense, all of him was pretty, but you suddenly realized the weight of the situation, what was happening.

“Shouto, no, oh my god. We gotta stop right now, we’re drunk, we’re-we’re-”

“Don’t care. Not gonna let you hide away from me this time.” Shouto shook his head, taking his cock in one hand and giving it a long, slow pump, flushed tip weeping precum and wetting his hand.

“No, no, this is wrong. I don’t want this, I could get pregnant!” You cried, beginning to panic for real, pushing against the one strong hand anchoring you to the bed.

Shouto just chuckled, letting go of his cock to crowd against you, getting up in your face to press a wet finger to your lips, the salty taste of his precum threatening to slip into your mouth unless you kept it shut. “Shhh, shh. If you stay nice and still, if you do what I say, I’ll use a condom.”

You couldn’t believe your ears.

“You’re gonna listen to me, you always do.” The man nodded to himself, once again dragging his cock against the bed between your legs, as if he couldn’t stop himself. “Or else I’ll fuck you raw.” The finger was pulled from your lips, only to be wagged teasingly in your face. 

You couldn’t believe how he was acting.

“Be nice.”

Shouto tapped your nose with a neatly manicured finger, before groaning as he heaved himself upright, red cock bobbing against his stomach, desperate for attention. The man gave you a look, as if to say “don’t move” before he took his hands off you, heading for his dresser.

Once you saw him pulling out a strip of condoms, you were on your feet, stumbling toward the door.

Although panic had sobered you somewhat, you were still struggling with the effects of the alcohol, so your reaction time was maddeningly slow. Slow enough that you weren’t able to truly fight against Shouto when he grabbed you from behind toned arms wrapping around your middle and heaving you into the air, only to throw you back on his bed.

You were almost sick on the bedspread, world spinning and stomach protesting, but you were able to calm yourself.

But then Shouto was on you, flipping you onto your back, a soft hand pressing against your throat threateningly. 

“You want to have a baby? Want me to cum in you so you’ll get all fat with kids? Hm?” He was so intense, almost choking you, straddling your waist and keeping you pinned. It was too much

You were able to manage a tearful, desperate “No!” despite the hand around your throat, and Shouto backed off, releasing the pressure to instead stroke his hand against the sides of your neck.

“Stop acting like this, it’s the next logical step for us. You said you cared for me, wanna make me happy. This’ll make me happy. I won’t be like the last guy.”

His cock was pressed against your stomach, and you could feel it twitching. Shouto clambered off of you, letting go of your neck so he could grab the condoms he’d tossed on the bed before snatching you up.

“Do what I say and I use these.” He waved them in your face before tearing one off, beginning to open it. 

You stayed still, gazing at him blearily, limbs feeling fuzzy, mind feeling the same.

The condom was rolled onto Shouto’s cock, the man spitting into his palm and giving the latex a few rubs to make it slick before reaching for you.

He dragged you to the edge of the bed - the perfect height for him to fuck you - and you didn’t fight, terrified of his threat. You couldn’t stand the thought of a baby.

(You didn’t know, but neither could he)

“Wanted to do this since I met you.” Shouto mumbled, pushing your panties to the side with a few fingers so he could guide his tip to your hole. “Want you so bad.”

You didn’t know what to think of this side of Shouto. This unreserved, uncareful, slurring mess of a man that loomed before you, gaze dark and wild, limbs everywhere as he groped and squeezed and appreciate the shape of your body.

But he must’ve gotten impatient, because then he was pushing inside.

It hurt, stinging pain rippling up your back and you keened, causing Shouto to pause. One of his hands darted down to wrap around your calf, hauling it up on the bed so he could lean forward and press it to you chest, sinking his cock a few inches deeper.

“You’re gonna take it.” He hissed before messily kissing you, pressed so close together that it was hard to breathe. “I’ll make it feel good after you do.”