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noxturnalmoth · 2 days ago

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Repentance

Summary: Repentance: n. the action of repenting, sincere regret or remorse.

Hurt, overworking and miserable, two souls find one another and fates intertwine even when they are worlds apart. How can one deal with the guilt of wanting something they cannot have? And why does going against the very principles you have imposed upon yourself feel so good?

Warnings: violence, crude language, themes of guilt, suicidal ideation, depression

Word Count: 5, 793

Masterlist: here

Chapter 1 - Erring in the City of Iron and Glass

Please gods above, don't take him away from me too.

Please lords above stop this massacre, let my people live, haven't we gone through enough?

"Go! Leave!"

"I can't! We stay together!"

"Just fucking leave! You'll end up dead!"

"I'm not leaving without you!"

Your voice screams, the is air scarlet and heavy with smoke, the sky is painted with burning flames as the stone beneath your feet is stained blood red.

Littered with corpses.

Children, men, women. It didn't matter to Piltover, Zaun and its people didn't matter to Piltover.

You never did.

You run after Hekarim, your older brother, your only family. But he is so much faster and your strides could only hope to match his as he marches into the fray like a Noxian soldier into a battlefield.

Please gods above, don't take him away from me too.

Please lords above stop this massacre, let my people live, haven't we gone through enough?

The smell is enough to make you heave, burning flesh, gunpowder and chemicals, the smell of death.

"Don't leave me!"

"I need to, they need me!"

"You'll die! I don't want to be alone! Mom and dad said-"

He turns around, tears carving through the soot and blood marring his face. "Mom and dad are dead! They're gone! They have been for so long now!"

"You're all I have left! Please don't do this!" You cry out, finally catching up to him as he slows down, your knees giving up from under you as you hold him.

His arms wrap tightly around you, shielding you from the world crumbling around you. "If I don't fight for our freedom, then I don't fight for you. And I'll be damned if I can't strive for a better life, if not for me, if not for Zaun, then at least for you. Our people are fighting out there, and I can help, I need to do this little bird."

"I'm old enough Heka, I can fight!"

"If you don't survive, then I'd have fought for nothing. We finally have a chance at making a difference, I can't let it go to waste. As a Zaunite and as your brother."

Your shoulders shake, his do too. His hands cradle your face softly, his eyes raking over you as if to ingrain the sight in his memory before his forehead gently touches against yours.

The Zaunite symbol for love, a kiss shared to those you love most.

A goodbye.

Please gods above, don't take him away from me too.

Please lords above stop this massacre, let my people live, haven't we gone through enough?

You claw at him as he leaves but your body is too weak for you to rush after him like before, the smoke erasing his silhouette all too soon as you crawl. Bile rises in your throat as you scream for him, shadows of your people falling like flies illuminated by the flaming bridge.

The bodies are piling up, surrounding you in a grotesque painting of mangled body parts and broken spirits. Yells echo in the air, yours, theirs, the enforcers', all swirling into an unintelligible cacophony of hatred, pain, fear, disgust and..hope.

Hope for a better future for Zaun.

Hope for a better life.

"Please!" Your people echo. "We are as deserving of a good life as any of you!"

Yet the pleas of Zaunite souls are ignored by the gods, the deities looking down, mocking your pitiful attempt at fighting for freedom.

Your legs shake, your balance all too troubled by the overwhelming scenery.

There it was, the proof that the lords above didn't care.

No, they didn't give a shit about any of you.

Neither did Piltover.

Neither did the rest of Runeterra.

Zaun was alone in its fight.

And you are now alone too. The last of your family taken in a conflict that should have never been, in a situation that could have been avoided if not for the greed of those in blue and gold.

You are terrified and all you can do is stand straight as you quiver in fear, watching the massacre happen.

Yet a noise you don't recognize resounds in the loudness of the battle, your own. A war cry, choked by tears, making its way out of your throat, ripping it to shreds as you rip a metal pole from a brethren's corpse.

Please gods above, don't take him away from me too.

Please lords above stop this massacre, let my people live, haven't we gone through enough?

You run into the fray.

Fire burns your lungs, licks at your skin, and the blood covering you becomes wet again. The dried metallic essence fueled with life again as you bash an enforcer about to hurt a child.

"Run!"

And she does, her pink haired companion nodding at you in thanks.

You're gonna find your brother.

And if I don't then damn it all, I'll die here fighting too.

The gods don't hear you, they haven't for a long time. So you'll take the matter into your own hands and make them hear, make them see.

Bullets fly by you, piercing you with crimson lances of white hot pain, batons strike your young body, leaving trails of indigo while you soldier on. And you bash and bash, hiding behind the Piltovan forces before you skewer them, hiding between corpses so you can crack their skulls open, rage blinding your vision while you roar again. As loud and as hot as the flames that seemed to come from the river itself.

You have to.

Please gods above, don't take him away from me too.

Please lords above stop this massacre, let my people live, haven't we gone through enough?

This pain is nothing, it's nothing compared to what you're about to lose, compared too all that Zaun has lost at the hands of the ones topside.

As if hell had opened itself up and you were about to be swallowed.

It's unfair! Why? Why? Why? Why?

Why?!

Bomb explode as your eyes watch a life drain because of you. You're a murderer now, you haven been since you entered the fray to fight for your people.

But so were they. Them in their ivory towers, them in their navy uniforms, them from the other side of the river. Them, them, them.

It's all their fault.

The loud bangs sound closer, yet so move forward. Only stopping at the sight of your brother, the man that raised you for most of your life after your parents died in the god forsaken mines Piltover has caged many of your people in.

It seems as if he's dancing, dancing the dance of your people. A dance of rage, of hurt, of hope. Yet you know he's fighting, not for his own life but for your own.

So your dead vocal chords cant help but let out a pathetic sound as the enforcers surrounding him beat him into submission. His body crumples yet he remains straight, even when brought down to his knees.

"Hekarim!"

His head turns and his look of horror turns turns wide eyes as a bullet is shot through his head.

Please gods above, don't take him away from me too.

Please lords above stop this massacre, let my people live, haven't we gone through enough?

Then his body hits the ground, like many others around you. It ragdolls with a thud, crumpling to the ground lifeless.

Yet instead of the chaos you've been in for god knows how long since the revolt began, everything stops. Noises muffled, sight blurry and draining itself of every color. Every one of their eyes trail to you. Their filthy eyes, soulless and angry.

Then it all hits at once.

Kha nas xera.

I hate them. I hate them all.

Your throat doesn't make any noise when you yell and cry, stumbling over yourself as your rage moves your body like a puppeteer, pushing you to rush forward and attack. It doesn't make a sound as you're punched and kicked, as you claw at the men in navy blue.

It doesn't make a sound when they set off a grenade next to you.

Neither when your body is projected onto the stone fences bordering the bridge.

But your bones do.

A sickening crack overpowering every other unbearable noise when your back hits takes the blunt of the shock, a sharp breath burning your lungs with the flames surrounding you. Your mouth tasting blood, smoke and salty tears as you slump down with the other corpses.

You're gonna die. You're gonna die alone and you couldn't do anything else.

Hekarim had been right.

He'd fought for you and you've still gone and fucked it all up.

And now you'll be swallowed by the gaping maws of hell while the gods above get their entertainment.

You've been foolish, stupid, reckless.

You've been foolish and now you're paying the price.

"Wait for me in the abyss, Heka." Your soul calls out to one that has been long gone. "Mama, papa, I'm coming." One last tear escapes your eyes, the loud screeches surrounding you rolling over you one last time before they're drowned by the sound of your slowing heart while your eyes close.

Please gods above, take me away too.

But I beg of you let my people live.

"-llo?"

Janna, is that you?

"-ello?"

Have you finally come to protect us? After you've abandoned us to pain and misery?

"Hello?"

Wait, you're not-

____

"Hello! Runeterra to the bartender, anybody home?"

Your head snaps up.

You rub your blurry eyes, the first thing coming into view being a familiar mop of magenta hair, powder blue eyes concerned and gentle as you emerge from your thoughts. Warmth seeping through your shirt from the person's hand shaking your shoulder hurriedly.

Then comes in the cozy dark green wallpaper and mahogany hardwood floors that you've grown used to these past few years, scarlet curtains framing small booths carved into the walls. Chairs and tables arranged in a way you've memorized, carved in your mind's eye after years, and a cold, scratched, oak counter top beneath your arms contrasting with the warm touch nudging you awake. Next to the pink haired girl stands dark brown haired woman, her tan skin looking soft in the warm lights of the bar as her grey eyes observe you with worry.

Finally come in the rest, the smell of leather and alcohol, tobacco lingering at the forefront of it all. The sound of music emanating from a jukebox in the corner of the room.

"You're good, kiddo?"

A low feminine voice attributed to the older woman rings as you blink away the last of tears you haven't noticed were flowing freely from your eyes like rain from the heavens.

"Yeah, you've been staring at the wall, crying for the past ten minutes."

Only ten?

It felt like an eternity.

But then again, time is different in hell.

You shake your head with a drawn out sigh as your hands wipe at your face hurriedly, getting rid of the last of your daydream and its traces on your face.

"Oh yeah, my bad girls. What were we talking about again?"

"Oh hell no, we're not skimming past that dude." You groan at the scolding.

"Vi, really, I'm good. C'mon, you're gonna get on my ass for being distracted now Miss Darcy. I'm just a bit tired is all."

The girl looks at you unimpressed, her famous "shut up" look craving through her face like a chisel through marble. Yeah, she wasn't taking any of your usual deflection today. And Sevika neither by the looks of it.

"Really, I just think I've been working a little too much lately. I just need to rest."

"Bullshit, we both know you won't." Grumbles the taller lady, slipping behind the bar counter, next to you, before she cages you against the counter top.

"And that you're lying about being just a little tired."

Back groaning at standing for so long, hunched over in an uncomfortable position, you slump against the corner in resignation, grunting as your two friends corner you and hound you with care.

Undeserved.

Too much.

Yet always appreciated.

You've been working with them at The Last Drop for years, Violet recognizing you even years after the bridge "incident", as the Pilties called it, and offering you a spot at her godfather and uncle's bar. Not only to "repay a debt", which you insisted was non-existent in the first place, but also for friendship, wanting more people around her age in her life.

You didn't blame her, you were grateful in fact.

You were grateful to Sevika too, who endorsed Vi in her quest to get you in the staff due to seeing your teen self rushing into the fray thirteen years ago. Admiring your courage and scolding your foolishness, forcing you to promise never to put yourself in such danger ever again.

Back then you let out a bitter laugh, the promise easy enough to make from the traces the battle left for you.

Parts of your spine were broken to such an extent that you'd have to wear a brace for the rest of your life, limiting movement and straining you until the day you died.

Since that day you've been alone. Working shitty job after shitty job to sustain yourself while the Pilties seemed to go back to their peaceful lives. Your spine screaming louder after years of slaving away for your own safety and a life that was worth living.

Yet you persevered.

Clawed your way out of the pit that topside has dug for all of the children they ripped families away from.

And now here you are, working two jobs, having your small shoddy apartment and two friends you wonder if you truly deserve. They tell you that you do, yet it's hard to believe when every night is plagued with the same visions. Ghosts that seem to never want to let go of you, now even throughout the day. Clawing at you from the inside and screaming in your head, filling your eyes with sceneries straight from hell. Yet you know it to be far from the truth. Or hell is on Runeterra, and it likes your pain enough to rip you apart day after day.

You'd think you would have grown accustomed to them. Yet if anything, the constant reminders only make you grow more weary each day that passes.

"What's your schedule been like?" Violet slides next to you, her shoulder nudging yours softly to snap you out of your reverie.

"The usual? I don't know, I don't feel much has changed."

When you turn pain bites at your upper back and your hands grip the bar top, nails biting into the wood while you set your jaw to stop any noise of pain to escape you. Vi looks at you with the same expression she always has in moments like this, sisterly love. For being five years your junior, the girl surely know how to make you feel younger with her affections.

"Tell us, or we're gonna have to tell Silco and Vander about it."

"Yeah, can't have our bartender keeling over one night." Sevika sets herself on your other side and slides your stool under you, reserved for when your back gets too much. You nod your thanks and let out a groaned out breath at the feeling of your body not needing to hold itself up anymore.

"Just nine to five at the library and the usual seven to two in at night for the bar. Same as always."

"Same as always. Well seems like this isn't sustainable for you anymore. I don't even think it ever has been. You do know that working yourself to death is not gonna fix anything, right?"

"Have you been-"

"I have been, Vi. I've been journaling, I've been drinking less, I've been trying to get more than three hours of sleep per night. But I can't, nothing clears my head, I can't even afford a good therapist because they're so rare in Zaun it's like trying to find a unicorn, and like hell I'm going topside because they'll only extort me until I have nothing left."

The women at your sides nod in understanding. They've been trying to help yet nothing seems to soothe the storm of your soul, forever raging, ever restless, screaming from the depths of your very being and haunting you at every moment. Their support means the world to you though, and you feel like you never know how to show just how deeply important their presences are within the nightmare of your life. You feel like you're not grateful enough for all that they've done for you, not deserving enough. Like you're-

"You're not a lost case, Maestro."

You chuckle bitterly at the nickname, your two friends having nicknamed you as such because you were the "drink virtuoso" of The Last Drop. The young bartender that knew people's tastes like the back of her hand at first glance and who always knew which buttons to push to get clients to buy something more expensive if they could afford it.

"Sevika's right. She's doing better, Silco and Vander too, not to forget Powder and I. You'll make it. We just have to find the right coping mechanism, the right…thing."

Violet mumbles, cursing at herself for being bad with words compared to her more "proper" girlfriend Caitlyn, a Piltover enforcer born in one of the gilded city's most noble families.

"I know but I've tried so much. Many options I don't have the time for, others are too expensive, the rest just doesn't work. You two are keeping me afloat but I wonder if I'm just rotten work, like trying to help me or even simply being around me is just gonna end up wearing you down in the end."

The women chuckle and eye one another with a smile, one of their arms wrapping around your back in two half hugs.

"You? Wear us down? Now aren't you underestimating us?"

"I think you forgot who you're talking to so let's remind you. We're your best friends, and if you think you'll ever get rid of us because you're a mopey little shit then you clearly are overestimating yourself."

"Sev's right, you're a cocky bitch if you think you're so cool that you'll be able to push us away in any way, shape or form. We're the dirt under your nails, Maestro. Don't you dare forget that."

"Oh fuck off you two."

You chuckle along, the burning flames of the bridge cooled by the laughter of the women holding you.

"You know we're right."

"Yeah yeah, now stop being gay and help me cleaning. Butch one you take the booths, Butch two you take the floor. I'll take the tables and bar."

"Shut your trap, kid."

"Aye aye captain."

Are chuckled out as your two friends leave your side to get started on tidying up the bar, the soft notes of the jukebox rhythming the cleaning and softening the heaviness in the air while you stretch. Getting out of the stool feels like a ton of lead has been dropped onto your shoulders and pain fires through you like electrical current but you still pick up your rag, a bottle of cleaning product and make your way to the tables.

It's comfortably silent between the three of you from then on. Humming coming from your throat as you bend over, scrubbing away at the traces of alcohol and crumbs left by patrons on every table, placing the chairs upside down on each and every one of them after wiping them down too.

Vi taps your ass with the broom while passing by you and you slap her arm, the girl acting hurt and falling to the ground at the ministration.

"How could you hurt me so, dear friend?"

"You already got a fine piece of ass at home, don't be greedy Darcy."

And you offer your hand and Violet refuses before you grab hers anyways and drag her up, your body shaking in pain as you pick your friend from the floor. She pinches your hips with a softly scolding look before going back to cleaning the floor.

Time passes and the bar top is the last surface that needs cleaning, Sevika and Violet try to get you to stop but you push them away.

"My bar, my responsibility."

"Technically it's Vander and Silco's-"

"I'll rip your tits off Sev."

"Bite me."

"Nah, you'd like that. You whore." She barks out a laugh at that, "touché" escaping her painted lips as she gets out her pack of cigarettes, two little cylinders are pulled out from it and she places both in her mouth to light them. The flick of her lighter echoing through the now silent room before she gives you one of the smoking tubes.

You inhale, the smoke filling your lungs in an all too familiar way and nicotine rushing through you while you slump over the spotless oak with your arms crossed, your eyes softly closing to enjoy the taste of tobacco and the presence of the two women at your side.

Just a normal night, after a very usual day. You dread to think about your weekend, having nothing to do killed you a little every time it happened, the silence of your apartment too loud and only serving to fuel the maelstrom of feelings swirling within you at any moment. Anytime you try to sleep those days off you wake up sweaty and screaming like every night, unable and unwilling to fall back asleep.

Life for Zaun has gotten better, sure. Access to topside was not as restrained, the city was given sovereignty after the complete hecatomb that happened thirteen years ago opened the eyes of many to the destiny of most Zaunites under Piltover's rule. It took about seven years for the gilded city to surrender Zaun and accept it as an equal, since then business had been booming, general health and education got much more advanced yet a lot was still a work in progress.

Progress that was not achieved with much help from Piltover, no, but by the blood, sweat and tears of the people from the Undercity. Who worked hard to make living here much more comfortable with the new influx of income and trades from all around the world.

And you were proud of your brethren for making it this far, you were proud to be part of such an enterprise to make Zaun a better place.

Yet no matter how much you worked then, how much you work now, how much you fought and still fight, you still can't find it within yourself to find forgiveness. Not after witnessing what you had, feeling what you did. Even if Vi's girlfriend was a kind girl and very involved with her family to help Zaun, the actions of one still didn't make the bile rising in your throat when thinking about Piltover subside.

You didn't necessarily hate everyone topside. The targets of your rage were their police force and their politicians who, for three hundred and fifteen years, cultivated a mentality of elitism and classism that was the flail used to whip your people into submission. To make Zaun into their own colony, providing for their every whims while they stood behind you, twiddling their thumbs and laughing at your misery. So you still had a hard time feeling comfortable or peaceful with the people that persecuted your own, directly or by proxy, many had let this happen even if they knew it was wrong and that was something else you could not forgive.

None of the rage you direct towards Piltover can truly fill the hole within you, though.

A hole that had been dug since you were born, the intrinsic Zaunite anger at the unfairness of others' treatments towards you ingrained within every part of your DNA. A hole that became a fissure, similar to those trencher miners would die in, when your parents died in a crumbling mine that was left operating even with the dangers its state was dismal. A fissure that became an unspeakable abyss the day of the bridge revolt when you lost Hekarim and so many of your own, nearly meeting your maker as well in the process.

An abyss that you've tried to fill with anger, with so much work that your body would crumble the second you reached your small apartment, with your two friends' presence that although helped you, never filled the tear in your soul. No, the abyss grew with time, no matter how many books you read, how much music you listened to, how many hobbies or coping mechanisms you tried.

It grew.

And grew.

And although you've ignored it, you're becoming unable to. The exhaustion. Setting deep within your bones from the sleepless nights, from the overworking, the constant reminders of vision's you'd rather forget. It's like no matter what you try, your symptoms only become worse.

And you feel so much guilt.

At not feeling well, at not being able to appreciate the simple pleasures of life, at not seeing how far you've come, at your friends not being nearly enough to fix the broken, ugly mess that you are.

You feel guilt for losing faith at everything in life that pertained to you. You are on survival mode, and you can't flip the switch off. But there's only so much you can do on survival mode before you shutdown.

And right now you were going down that slide at immense speed.

One where your thoughts would drag you to commit something that would never be able to be taken back.

And you hoped that if it ever came to that, you'd at least be missed.

snap

Your eyes swiftly get to Sevika who's snapping her fingers at you, her other hand holding the ashtray under the cigarette currently burning away between your lips.

"Yeah no, we're not taking I'm fine for an answer."

"Sev, c'mon."

"No, girl, c'mon. You're not okay."

"Vi." You whine, taking a deep inhale from your cigarette, the smoke escaping your nose in two streams. "Really, I'll be fine. I'm a big girl I can take it, you know me."

"Not anymore it seems." Inhale, Sevika gazes at you with a knowing look shining through her steel tinted eyes.

"You're trying to do all of this by yourself. And we get it, we really do, but you're just pulling yourself deeper." Exhale, Vi brushes her hand on your arm comfortingly.

"We love you, and all we want is your good health and for you to finally be able to rid yourself of whatever's going on in there. You don't tell us because you want us safe, yet what about you?" Inhale.

"We've thought of something, and we know you'll vehemently refuse at first, but it's free and many people find comfort in it. Especially here in Zaun."

You tilt your head, smoke held in your lungs as you look at your two friends inquisitively.

"So, would you be willing to go to church?" Exhale.

Stub.

"No."

They look at one another in a way you knew all too well. They knew of your stubborn streak, to anything related to Piltover. And to faith.

You had prayed everyday for your parents' safety. They died, alone, in the dark and ripped to shreds by rubble.

You had prayed everyday for your people's freedom. They kept on dying unjust deaths by the hand of their greedy, self-important jailers.

You had prayed for your brother to be alive that day. He was ripped away from you before your very eyes.

You had prayed for your own death, to stop the pain, to stop you from losing everything when nothing was left anymore. Yet you lived.

The lords above didn't exist.

And if they did they had abandoned Zaun.

And me.

So like hell you'd go to a place of worship to any one of them. That day you abandoned them just like they did you, mockingly watching from above as meaningless deaths happened beneath their almighty gazes once more.

"Listen. We know. But would you listen to us?"

You look at Violet with expectant eyes, exhaustion pulling your lids down into a glare that has been carved into your face, never to be erased.

"Powder has a tutor, she has for a while now, and turns out he's a priest for the local Jan'ahremite church. He seems like a good man and maybe he'd know how to help, it's his job to lead those who are lost and all that. You could go to mass, test the waters, you could even confess! It's like therapy, but free."

You exhale a sharp breath.

"Vi's right, but there's also the fact that you'd be surrounded by a community. It would do you good, go at least twice. Please? We know it's far from what you want but it could be what you need. You don't need to believe, just to be there."

"What do you have to lose, right?"

You pull away, slowly making your way to your coat hung behind the bottle filled shelves, your back screaming at you for rest as you cover yourself, slipping one arm after the other in the long sleeves. You pass by the counter where your two friends are, stopping at their level as Sevika calls out for you.

"You can't keep on going like this, kiddo. We may not know what's going on in that head of yours, but we know it's far from pretty. Everyone needs something to believe in, and as is, we know your faith is in nothing but your own fall."

You scoff. "Understatement of the century Sev."

"Even more of a reason to try! We don't ask you to pray, to beg for whatever god may listen, only to see if it'd help. I'd be more than reluctant to step a foot in a church myself, and I know that Sevika too." The older woman scoffs as she nods at Vi's words. "But we know that wherever your mind's headed right now could potentially take you from us, and we can't imagine Zaun without you. Neither can little man or Powder."

"Hell, Vander and Silco would hate to lose you too, every patron around here and everyone at the library too."

"You're worth so much more than you can imagine to so many of us. So, please, at the very least if not for yourself, do this for us."

Your hands grip tightly at the counter top, a lump forming in your throat at the very thought of stepping into a god's space. Wanting nothing more than spit and yell in rage at their pictures and statues, never to be vulnerable for them ever again.

"I'll think about it."

Is all you can manage to let out.

"And that's all we ask."

You nod, the three of you leaving the building and locking up behind yourselves and Vi nudging her forehead to yours as a loving goodbye before she hops on her motorcycle.

"Kid, you know we love you, right?"

You purse your lips, eyes looking down as your heart drops to your stomach. Feeling all too undeserving of the words.

"Yeah, I know Sev." Your gaze reaches hers, and you know she understands what you mean with it.

I love you too.

You sigh and softly place your forehead on hers.

"See you on Monday, kid." She ruffles your hair lightly and walks away, her body illuminated by the kaleidoscope of Zaun's neon signs.

You get in your car, the music not loud enough to drown your thoughts, the words and melodies jumbling in and all too familiar self-deprecating dance as you arrive home.

Your body drags and you step foot within the threshold of the building, it slumps against the elevator's walls as you wait for your floor and it drops onto your bed as you arrive at your bed.

Your phone is put to charge, your clothes and brace are taken off for the night and you refuse to get up for any food or water. The comfort of your mattress pulling you in like quicksand in the deserts of Shurima even if your mouth is pasty and your stomach grumbles.

Your eyes trail to your ceiling, tears rolling down like a waterfall before you even realize what's happening. No sob escapes you, you believe you've exhausted your capacity for them since hell opened its gaping maw and presented you what it had to offer.

Exhaustion, bone deep, was eating away at you like water erodes stone. Your soul was rotting and although you could always keep yourself together it seemed like your willpower was abandoning you.

Just like everything and everyone always did.

Were Violet and Sevika right? Could going to this place of worship work, even with your hatred of those sitting on their golden thrones up above? Could this be it, the one last thing that could help you from drowning further in the dark tar possessing every inch of your heart?

I don't think so.

Yet as much as the thought of standing before the eyes of a deity makes you sick, you make yourself sicker. A hateful, pained and pathetic little thing you are, filled to the brim with so much sadness that no good can truly reach you and pull away the black veil blinding your soul. A disappointment, a failure.

And yet your two friends still remained by you.

You could wallow all you want, but bile rises in your throat at the thought of hurting the girls that stand by your side even after everything.

Even if respite in death is all you crave now.

Maybe you could try one last time. To make them proud more than to save yourself. Although if the latter came with the former you would accept it with open arms.

Yet I still find myself unable to believe that the broken mess that I am can be fixed.

I am beyond saving.

But for them you'll try. Your final attempt at piecing yourself back together.

Your eyes close, the last of your tears contained beneath the dam of your lids. Images quickly flickering from the bridge to Sevika and Violet standing next to a grave, their gazes a storm of regret and pain as they cry and call out to you softly. Praising you even after you took the cowardly way out, even after you abandoned them.

"If not for yourself, do it for us."

Yes, for them you'll try anything.

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theactualsunshinechild · 10 hours ago

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If Castorice is cursed to kill whoever she touches and Mydei is cursed to be immortal, do you think Mydei ever goes to Castorice on a really bad day and is like, hey can you put me down for a bit please? I'm having these phantom pains from fatal wounds and injuries that don't exist anymore and they're keeping me up, I want a nap.

And obviously at first Castorice is like "L-lord Mydei, please rethink this, death is not something to be trifled with! Even with your condition, I cannot guarantee your safe return..." and Mydei takes the time to reassure her that, no, he's sure about this, and yes he is willing to bear the risks, no he doesn't care if it will hurt, please euthanize him. It takes a bit of convincing but eventually she agrees to risk it, and, fear in her heart, gently places a hand on his shoulder.

Mydei wobbles and collapses dead on the spot. Castorice lets go and starts fretting internally, stepping back and circling around, frantically searching for any sign of life. How long does it usually take for Mydei to come back? Will he come back at all? Her own curse is clearly effective on him after all... To her relief, it only takes a few seconds for Mydei's eyes to flutter open again to find himself supine, with limbs bent at various awkward angles from the way he ragdolled.

It was a very peaceful few seconds, no pain, no blood, just an pleasant floating sensation as the familiar dark waves of the Styx rocked him side to side gently, before a bright guiding light forcibly pulled him right back. If not for the uncomfortable position he came to in, he'd even say the experience did some old aches a lot of good. The slight relieved smile that comes across her face as he explains this belies how many years of uncertainty and grief she's experienced over the many deaths she had enacted prior. She must have had no way of knowing for sure, until now, whether or not the deaths she delivered were as gentle as she hoped, Mydei realized.

It takes slightly less convincing to have Castorice try again. This time, they arrange more comfortably, Mydei sitting down against a wall, Castorice taking his offered hand in hers. As his hand goes limp in hers, his skin slowly cooling, she draws comforting circles on it with her thumb, more for herself than for his unfeeling body. After several minutes this time, each feeling longer than the last, she lets go and backs away once more, waiting with bated breath for the moment he shudders back to life, taking air back into empty lungs, eyes bright again, fierce, lively and visibly well-rested.

They agree to never exceed 15 minutes, Castorice explaining he would likely not enjoy coming back to the discomfort of gravity having caused all of his stilled blood to pool and settle inside of his body, let alone his body having cooled. Mydei agrees easily and assures her that he will keep his requests for deathly repose infrequent.

Castorice often passes the time Mydei spends dead trying to occupy her hands, the nerves never quite leaving her alone. Knowing logically that Mydei will come back and fearing that maybe he won't come back this time are two separate things after all. She tries many things, from bringing a scroll to read, to embroidery, shoulder pressed to his, trying to ignore how much bolder the red tattoos look against the pallor of a dead man. When Mydei wakes to Castorice's fingers pricked and bleeding for the third time, he frowns and offers for her to braid his hair next time if she wishes.

The next time, a month later, they arrange slightly differently, Castorice sitting on a bench, Mydei lowering his head into her lap, his hair an offering she wills herself to accept. Having assisted with many a funeral rite, Castorice is able to lose herself in the process of carefully weaving the messy soft locks into shape. The texture is strangely soothing, despite how unnaturally still Mydei remains, and Castorice imagines that this must be similar to what it feels like to pet a lion's fluffy mane. When the sand stops flowing, Castorice moves Mydei's head out of her lap to walk five places away once more. He comes to, gasping for breath as usual, and reaches up to feel at the new braids he sensed in his hair. A ghost of a smile graces his face when he finds them to be satisfactory, and he wears them for the rest of the day as a sign of appreciation. Castorice fiddling with his hair while he is dead quickly becomes the standard for their little meetings. Sometimes he wakes up with no new braids, but he doesn't question it so long as Castorice doesn't appear to be on any distress.

The first time Phainon spotted Mydei with his head in Castorice's lap, Castorice gently running her fingers through his hair as if he were a very large cat, Phainon almost passed them by with how peaceful they looked...

Then did a double take and panicked.

Anyway, that's my headcanon at least for how Castorice can say that the death she brings with her touch is peaceful. I think discovering that killing Mydei with her touch grants him what is essentially a banger nap from his perspective, probably helped her find an amount of peace in those early years. Truly putting the rest in "putting to rest"with this one.

Obviously she'd still prefer to be able to touch people and creatures without having them die, but at least she has learned that it isn't painful when she kills this way.

Additionally I like to imagine that while being killed by Castorice feels soothing, getting killed normal ways feels like shit, painful the whole way through, and then you get dunked violently into the Styx. And for Mydei specifically, it's more like he gets dunked into the Styx only to get yoinked right out, soul still sopping wet and cold, and forced back into a body that is fully repaired but it's happened so fast to him that his nerves have him feeling the aftershocks of the injuries that are already gone.

#honkai star rail #hsr #mydei #castorice #hsr mydei #hsr castorice #phainon #hsr phainon #nearly forgot i mentioned him in here #the visual of him doing a double take and freaking out is just so funny to me #followed directly by Mydei being annoyed that his out of body hardcore nap was interrupted #hsr 3.0 #sometimes instead of napping *cough*being dead*cough* Mydei comes to just hang out and chill #Castorice appreciates the quiet Alive company #Phainon has to be the yapper around here because these two can sit for an hour in silence no problem just doing their own thing #these are the besties we didn't get to see

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manicpixiedreamedwins · 6 months ago

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Alright Dead Boy Detectives Fandom:

Some of you need to pause here before you get back on AO3. Here's the thing: not everyone writes with your exact ghost head canons, or dialogue preferences, or characterizations 100% of the time. Hell, some people even bend or throw canon out the window to tell a good story. (I have been moved by stories like that in my lifetime).

That is not an excuse to write rude little tumblr posts and comments about what you didn't like. It's just not. This makes for a really, really caustic fandom environment over time. It does not encourage people to write more of what you want. It causes people to walk on eggshells, and write less in general, because they don't want to be on the receiving end of that wank. They're so afraid of doing something wrong that they don't do anything at all because it's just insurmountable- then, slowly, things die down. I have seen great fandoms die this way.

You, as the reader, need to take some ownership over what you're seeking out (and no, rec lists are not a "search", but they are nice). Reading tags on a fic should the bare minimum that you are doing before diving in. If you aren't doing that, then start there.

Here's what else will help you find what you want and avoid what you don't:

1. Use the "Sort and Filter" sidebar to the right of the main search.

I know you have all seen this panel. Many of you discuss sorting by kudos (which, in all fairness, means you're missing some beautiful, heartbreaking works). So go to the Sort and Filter panel. Scroll to "Exclude". That trope you've been complaining about for a solid month? Find it in the "Additional Tags", or type it in "Other tags to exclude". This will even work for ships you are tired of seeing, mostly. Some ship tags will slip through. You will have to type those into "Other tags to exclude" or...

2. Mute and Block (If Step 1 Fails)

So there's an author you keep complaining about through the confessions blog, or just... outright name dropping them. This is rude. Stop it. Do this instead. Go to their page on AO3:

Block or mute them. You will never see their work in the tag again. You will never be tempted to read it again (and really, why are you doing that in the first place? What is your malady?)

Be kind to each other. Art is a window into someone's soul, and I think a ton of us have forgotten that in this post consumerist hellscape. Y'all need to stop acting like transformative fiction is in the same class as mass produced trinkets you ordered with two day shipping.

#dead boy detectives #I cannot believe we are STILL arguing over how people “should” write #so here's a handy guide if you saw something that offended your delicate sensibilities #please just live and let live I just cannot with this

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bamsara · 2 months ago

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I love Arson he's my favorite heater but I should really get a cheap laptop one day so I can leave the house to write because the Noise. Is . Too Much. I need to go write in the forest

#I live in a very very full and busy house hold #and sometimes it makes it extremely difficult to work #both on art stuff and packaging #but also writing especially #i have horrible executive dysfunction but on good days ill still try and get thwarted by multiple inturruptions and loud sounds #and on bad days ill just completely shut down from it all #adhd meds and headphones cannot fix Other People In My Space lmao #sara shush #personal #complaining #Unfortunately if i ask to be left alone or for quieter volume i will get neither of those even if i lock my door #I legit have a sign on my door that lets people know when im live streaming and have asked not even volume control just to be left alone #and there will still be knocking on my door for questions like 'can you go get something from the store'#i need. people to understand that if i am busy esp if i am doing packages and stickers and stuff that i am WORKING #please treat it like im at a 9-5 office building somewhere act like i dont exist #you dont just walk into someones place of work and start venting/asking them of things while theyre at their job #'but you're at home' yes and im still working and i have communicated this several times #i did not mean to vent but GOD

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clytemnestradidnothingwrong · 1 day ago

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"It truly amuses me"

If you find it funny, then why did you write a long whiny essay about how women should be nicer to the men who abuse, rape, kill, and violently oppress us?

"Yet, today, we often see narratives that feel less like calls for justice and more like a reversal of the very prejudices feminism was born to dismantle."

No, we don't see this at all, you're just a garden variety misogynist who thinks women not tolerating or calling out men's behavior makes us "just as bad".

"Feminism was a movement born to provide women with the basic human rights they were deprived of, to challenge a society that made life a living hell, not just for women, but for men as well."

No, actually, feminism was never for men.

"It sought to create a world where opportunities and rights are determined not by gender, but by actual skills and merit. So, when did it become a weapon to belittle or demonize men?"

Whiny MRA "misandry is just as bad as misogyny" ass shit.

"The problem is that this shift toward misandry isn’t just theoretical; it’s real."

There it is! I startled my cat when I laughed at this.

"Unfortunately, for some, the lines have blurred. The war against patriarchy has been replaced with disdain for men."

"Unfortunately, women stopped fighting the vague concept of "the patriarchy" and went after the creators of patriarchy instead"

"Personal grievances have turned into sweeping generalizations,"

Let me guess, before you sat down and shat out this steaming pile of crap, you were busy lamenting how you can't enjoy Good Omens yaoi anymore.

"and the true essence of feminism; building bridges and breaking barriers seems to be forgotten. This misinterpretation is harming everyone."

And by "everyone", you mean men. No woman is harmed by women rightfully hating men.

"Social media has become a breeding ground for narratives where men are demonized for simply existing, as if their gender is the cause of all societal problems."

I thought women's long history of global systemic oppression had a source, but no, it just appeared out of thin air! I'm so stupid! /s

"While critiquing the harmful aspects of patriarchy, some have taken it to an extreme, implying that men are inherently oppressive, that their actions are always rooted in misogyny, regardless of context."

We're not implying it. We're stating it.

"The idea that all men are privileged, that they cannot experience hardship, is a gross oversimplification."

So is this. "Saying men are privileged means you don't thin they can ever experience hardships" - these men you're defending so valiantly wouldn't piss on you if you were on fire. Or if they did, it would be purely because pissing on a woman gave them a boner. Please get up off the floor already.

"Yes, patriarchy has historically benefited men in certain ways, but it has also shackled them; forcing them into rigid gender roles, stifling emotional expression, and limiting their freedom in ways that many fail to acknowledge."

Men created patriarchy. Men created these rigid gender roles. Men decided men can't cry. This paragraph is beyond stupid. Limiting their freedom? Are you on CRACK? Would you say this about White people and White supremacy?

"But the solution isn’t to tip the scales in the opposite direction; it’s to balance them. Feminism isn’t about proving one gender is better than the other; it’s about dismantling systems that have oppressed women while ensuring fairness for all. Feminism, at its core, should be a call to break free from these restrictive molds, not to create new ones."

Pretty words, except you're using them to defend women's violent oppressors.

"Men, like women, suffer from a system that enforces damaging stereotypes and limits human potential."

No, they don't.

"A true feminist society would uplift everyone, regardless of gender, recognizing the commonalities in our struggles while celebrating the differences that make each of us unique."

This is humanism, not feminism. Your "all lives matter feminism" is useless and unnecessary. Men are our oppressors. They are the reason women struggle. We don't have any fucking "commonalities in our struggles".

Again, would you say this to Black/Asian/Latino/Native people about White people? No? Then stop saying it to women about men!

"How can we achieve inclusion if we exclude half of the population from the conversation?"

Fuck "inclusion". Men are not the default nor the standard of humanity. I do not want to be included with men, I want to be LIBERATED FROM MEN.

It truly amuses me how, in the name of feminism, some have strayed toward misandry. Wasn’t feminism meant to empower women? To stand for equality, not superiority? Yet, today, we often see narratives that feel less like calls for justice and more like a reversal of the very prejudices feminism was born to dismantle.

Feminism was a movement born to provide women with the basic human rights they were deprived of, to challenge a society that made life a living hell, not just for women, but for men as well. It sought to create a world where opportunities and rights are determined not by gender, but by actual skills and merit. So, when did it become a weapon to belittle or demonize men?

Unfortunately, for some, the lines have blurred. The war against patriarchy has been replaced with disdain for men. Personal grievances have turned into sweeping generalizations, and the true essence of feminism; building bridges and breaking barriers seems to be forgotten. This misinterpretation is harming everyone.

The problem is that this shift toward misandry isn’t just theoretical; it’s real. Social media has become a breeding ground for narratives where men are demonized for simply existing, as if their gender is the cause of all societal problems. While critiquing the harmful aspects of patriarchy, some have taken it to an extreme, implying that men are inherently oppressive, that their actions are always rooted in misogyny, regardless of context. This is not just counterproductive; it’s dangerous. The idea that all men are privileged, that they cannot experience hardship, is a gross oversimplification. Yes, patriarchy has historically benefited men in certain ways, but it has also shackled them; forcing them into rigid gender roles, stifling emotional expression, and limiting their freedom in ways that many fail to acknowledge.

women have faced and continue to face systemic challenges. But the solution isn’t to tip the scales in the opposite direction; it’s to balance them. Feminism isn’t about proving one gender is better than the other; it’s about dismantling systems that have oppressed women while ensuring fairness for all. Feminism, at its core, should be a call to break free from these restrictive molds, not to create new ones. Men, like women, suffer from a system that enforces damaging stereotypes and limits human potential. A true feminist society would uplift everyone, regardless of gender, recognizing the commonalities in our struggles while celebrating the differences that make each of us unique.

How can we achieve inclusion if we exclude half of the population from the conversation?

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vaguely-concerned · 2 months ago

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just had the thought 'in the end the most important thing varric taught rook was how to make a home for, with, and in other people' and then I had to go lie down on the floor and clutch at my head in unceasing agony for a few hours, as you may well imagine. hawke and the kirkwall crew........ in the end you kind of saved the world a bit in the most characteristically indirect and chaotic of ways. not by anything in particular that you did or achieved or accomplished (lmao imagine!), but just by -- having existed, and by the love that was always there, despite it all, in all its imperfections, even when no one was saved by it in the end. you're not here right now and you're not quite haunting the narrative but I hear your voices bickering and arguing and laughing from the other room. (and so, I think, does varric. all the time.)

'did you think you mattered, hawke? did you think anything you ever did mattered?' yeah actually, varric says with da2 and keeps saying through the series. you were here. and I loved you. and as it turns out that mattered more than almost anything in the world, no matter how long it lasted or how fucked up it was at the time or what else happens, because varric manages to pass that feeling, that intangible... home, that echo of you all as you were together, that love, hopefully the best parts of it, on to someone else for them to bring with them on their journey, with their family. and maybe the world will be kinder this time. you never know. merrill's line of 'Everything affects everything. We were born, a bunch of things happened, and now we're in a mess with our friends.' varric's greatest fear of becoming his parents. even through the wreck and the ruin of the world, ghosts upon ghosts upon ghosts of love -- malcolm hawke, who we never even see, but his life touched hawke's and hawke's touched varric's and varric's touched rook's and rook is passing it on to the family they're creating. the unbroken legacy of love shines through in ways that are stronger and stranger than any magic. help

#I woke up. I opened my eyes. this insight hit me over the head like the fist of god. what the fuck. what the FUCK #dragon age #dragon age: the veilguard #dragon age: the veilguard spoilers #dragon age spoilers #hawke #varric tethras #dragon age 2 #dragon age meta #let me live please I've barely reached consciousness I can't deal with this #the kirkwall gang.#what if they were secretly the most important people who ever existed. just because they existed. and for the love that was there #yeah you know what? that's not the worst legacy in the world is it.#da:tv really is da2 2 in some key ways. to me. one of the most da2 lovers or all time #also extremely da2 and also varric core for varric to adopt a kid (as a full adult) completely alone with hawke possibly dead #and STILL somehow manage to make it a varrichawke lovechild on some level. not romantic not platonic but something even more insane #every day varric is unbearably intimate with hawke through the narrative in ways he simply Cannot be with anyone in real life #(in ways you perhaps Should not be in real life. also. lol)#he keeps moving on no matter what b/c that's what you do. but I think varric's real home isn't even kirkwall or a place at all #it's a time. and that time is da2. or at least the story of da2 that he tells himself.#also also what about them themes around parenthood huh. I think varric in the end at least did not become his parents. thank god #trauma gets passed down. but so do other things and you have choices about what you want to leave behind #for those who come after you.#*tears streaming down my face* guess I have to go make breakfast and pretend everything is normal then. sick and twisted

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emmcfrxst · 15 days ago

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i understand being grossed out by the confirmation that hugh jackman fully cheated on his wife with his coworker but y’all are being absolutely insane over this whole thing. if you’re out there grieving over a man you don’t know (and who is VERY MUCH ALIVE) i think you need to step back a little and maybe see a therapist to work things out and fix the way you’re letting a parasocial relationship take over your life like this 💀

#hugh jackman #i’ve seen some INSANE posts on here like i’m LITERALLY concerned for some of y’alls mental health/stability #it’s NOT normal to start whole ass conspiracy theories about his relationship and how she’s either a beard or he’s doing this to cover up #the blake lively scandal. i cannot press this enough this is NOT normal please see someone about this because holy fuck LMAO #i don’t understand how y’all are so surprised about it given the way he acts around women in interviews/in general LMAO he’s kissed and #touched other women multiple times unnecessarily during interviews lol #i think it was obvious from the start that he is Not a one woman man #don’t let questionable men trick you into defending them just because they’re attractive!#i’ve seen people deleting their entire blogs because they’re upset he’s dating someone which is delusional as fuck l

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cybertron-after-dark · 3 months ago

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Being constantly surrounded by the presence of a loving God sounds great until you realize you never know when his freaky fuckin eyes are gonna show up to check on you.

And man. They do it a LOT.

#primus please let the mech breathe #what i want to emphasize most with this iteration of optimus is the inherent fucking terror of being made a prime #really pick at those little threads of how fucked the matrix as a concept is. same with the staple tropes of op himself #the idea in tfp that it can entirely change your personality. and that if you lose it you cannot remember your time with it #those implications send me spiraling. to what degree is optimus the same being as orion pax? do you forfeit your soul to be a demigod?#do you fucking die to become a conduit for the higher being that made you? letting it puppet your mind and body like a parasitoid?#if death in transformers is simply rejoining the allspark; if the soul is something splintered off from the whole;#and if to die as a cybertronian is for that fragment to merge with the whole once again. is a prime not fundamentally a dead mech walking?#a prime stands with one pede in the afterlife and one in the land of the living and has to keep up with both at once #constantly seeing visions from a plane his processor was never meant to comprehend with optics that were never built to see it #forced to adapt into an elevated being as much as a frame that still has silly things like wants and needs and emotions and base coding can #how does a mortal live when his body is no longer just his body; but a vessel fir something holy and a tool fashioned to heal the world?#when he can never truly be alone again and he has to simply live with the ever present knowledge that he is being watched #both by his god and by the world #how does one live knowing not even their thoughts are private? when your god may be living but man he does not get the idea of boundaries #guess it must be hard to grasp personal space and all that when youre an ocean of souls that left it behind #maccadam #transformers #wayward sparks #optimus prime #art tag #sometimes i feel kinda bad for putting this bastard through The Horrors. if ws gets made all the way he will be thrown so many bones #only sometimes tho >:3

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callmelyrus · 14 hours ago

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Thanks, @future-ghoost and @eldritchelfwriter for the taggingtons. I will be cheeky and piggy back tag @strugglingcomet2, @cylinderarts, @fogno, and @shadowfalllen 😂 Here are some excerpts from my WIPs:

Where There Is No Darkness

”Shadowheart, I know you know who I am, and I would really want to talk to you,” Mavis says. Her brow, previously furrowed in anger, softens slightly, her expression filling with an unidentifiable anxiety.

Shadowheart cannot stand to look at Mavis anymore. Her entire being is filled by what she has spent her entire life denying. The closeness of Mavis, the reality of her there, in front of Shadowheart, wishing to speak to her… It all feels like too much, like she might combust, implode, or simply cease to exist from the sheer volume of everything at once. Her very fabric of being sings, yearns to wrap her arms around this woman, just like the old days. To greet her after years of no her.

But this would be a folly. Shadowheart turns back to her books again. ”What do you want to talk about, Mavis?” she asks. Mavis’ name falls off her tongue with difficulty. It is as if her muscles have forgotten how to form the word in her mouth. Years of not uttering it have made it almost foreign.

”Well, I’d like to know how you are for starters,” says Mavis, a hint of sarcasm colouring her tone.

Shadowheart puts a pile of books on a shelf, carefully ensuring the correct alphabetical order. ”I’m fine,” she huffs. ”Although, I’d be even better if left alone.”

Mavis is silent for a moment. Shadowheart can feel her hesitation, the tension between them. The urge to reach towards her and remind her fingers of the feeling of Mavis’ skin. No.

��You really don’t want to talk?” Mavis’ voice is small, hurt radiating off each word like the cool, clear light of the moon. But Shadowheart must not succumb to the ache Mavis’ pain evokes in her heart.

”Trust me,” she mutters. ”There’s nothing neither you nor I could say that would change anything.”

There is another pause. Finally, Mavis says: ”Fine. As you wish.” Shadowheart hears Mavis’ footsteps retreat, then stop a few feet away. ”You know,” Mavis remarks. ”I will still be here. I must. I hope you aren’t bothered by that.” More footsteps follow, taking Mavis away. Shadowheart finishes reshelving the books and takes her trolley into the back room. There, in the privacy of the four walls filled with freshly returned books, she lets a single tear roll down her cheek.

Cool Me Down, Grease Me Up

”Having trouble?” Wyll asks. Tav nods sheepishly. ”Yeah… I had some trouble starting it up when I left to come here, but now it just won’t start at all, it seems,” she groans.

”You’ll need a mechanic to look into that,” Wyll remarks. Tav’s heart flutters in her chest. It has been too long since her last visit to Last Break Light. Today, she would get to see Shadowheart again.

”There’s a really good one living just around the corner from here,” Wyll says.

”No, it’s okay,” Tav says almost too quickly. She doesn’t want to go to any old neighbourhood car guy. It’s Last Break Light or no dice.

”Please, I insist,” Wyll says, ignoring Tav’s objections. He is already on the phone.

”Hey, it’s Wyll here. How are you?” Wyll pauses to listen to the response from the other end.

”Here, someone’s car’s broken down in my driveway. Any chance you could take a look?” He listens again. He then grins at Tav, giving her a thumbs-up.

”Excellent! See you in a minute!” he says and ends the call. ”Help is on the way,” he smiles.

Not five minutes go by and a black pickup truck appears around the corner. With tinted windows and larger than average tires, the car looks impressive, almost intimidating.

”Ah, the cavalry has arrived,” Wyll smiles.

The truck reverses so its rear is aligned with Tav’s car. Tav gets out of her car in preparation to greet this neighbourhood mechanic. The truck door opens and the first thing Tav sees is a black Chuck Taylor. As her gaze moves up, she sees a slender, yet muscular leg. The driver’s door shuts, revealing the rest of the mechanic.

”Aren’t you a sight for sore eyes?”

Unnamed fic where corporate queen bee Tav from our world gets transported to Faerûn by accident (the WIPpiest WIP that ever WIPped)

“She was… interesting,” Tav says after a moment of uncomfortable silence.

“Interesting is an understatement,” Lae’zel snorts. “That woman is the dagger you’ll find buried in your back if you aren’t vigilant enough.”

“I sense a story here,” Tav presses, for some reason feeling eager to learn more about this Shadowheart and her dark mysteries.

“She’s the Mother Superior of a cloister full of Shar’s acolytes,” Karlach explains. The explanation only invites a load of questions.

“Karlach, slow down. You’re speaking in riddles again. So, she’s in some kind of a church?” Tav asks, trying her hardest to understand.

Karlach nods. “She’s the leader of a group of Shar worshippers in Baldur’s Gate,” she says.

“And Shar is…?” Tav asks sheepishly. There is so much in this world she has yet to learn. Knowledge, as they say, is power.

“Shar is the goddess of darkness. Her and her followers are committed to shrouding the world in the night,” Wyll explains. “The Nightsinger, they call her.”

“The Nightsinger… Right. So why don’t we like Shadowheart?” Tav asks after some thought.

Lae’zel rolls her eyes impatiently. “Chk! Did you not hear what Wyll just said? She and her goddess are working to bring about an eternal darkness,” she spits.

“So she’s working for an evil goddess,” Tav says. “Gotcha. Why are you friends with her, then?”

“She was also tadpoled, just like the rest of us,” Karlach says. “She was there when we fought the Absolute. I suppose you can’t go through some things without becoming friends.”

“I guess it makes sense…” Tav trails off, turning her head to look at Shadowheart, who is sitting by the long table, slowly twirling a goblet of wine in her hand.

“She has done some awful things, Tav,” Karlach says. “There isn’t much else to say about her, really.”

Hurt people hurt people. Her father’s words swim into Tav’s mind as she keeps watching Shadowheart sip at her wine. Shadowheart suddenly turns her head and catches Tav’s stare. She smiles, raising her goblet. As if guided by an outside force, Tav takes a few steps towards her.

WIP Workday

Thanks so much for the tags @thedissonantverses and @hyperions-light! 😁 I’m tagging anyone who wants to do this, but I’ll shout out @taashyvashedan, @mageofquandrix, @future-ghoost, @swamp-jello, and @neve-gallus-girl-detective.

I’m still puttering along with…so many things in various stages of editing, and actual drafting is still going on in Tevinter Bathhouses Excursion and Multi-Chapter land. So below the cut is some of the first chapter (currently being edited, hasn’t been beta’d beyond a read for flow and to check my terrible Latin by @mvrcar) of the bathhouse fic.

Grinning in a way that felt almost maniacal, Rook straddled the bench Neve had chosen and leaned back until he was propped up only by his elbows. “Say what you will about the corruption, and the slavery, and the blood mages, and the supremacist cult…Tevinter did get bathhouses right.”

She chuckled. “How far did you have to reach for that bright side?” She asked.

His brow furrowed in thought for a moment, before he shrugged. “Not very. Gotta see the little daily good things, too, not just the bad.”

Neve felt a bead of sweat slip down her neck, and her pulse picked-up as she realized Rook’s eyes were following it. He bit his lower lip gently, and suddenly it felt like the heat of the room was in her veins.

She cleared her throat gently, and he startled guiltily. “Is that so?” Neve asked, redirecting him. Well, both of them.

“Yeah, uh…yeah,” Rook said, shaking his head a little as though coming out of a daze. “I mean, it’s not perfect, right? But if we don’t see the good things, the things we do like about the Imperium, we’ll lose hope, eventually. If there’s nothing of value here, what are we trying to save?”

He wasn’t wrong, really, and there were good things in Tevinter. Good people. Halos, Rana, Tarquin, Lorelei, Claudia from the street earlier. Neve knew that. Still, she didn’t understand how he did it. How he kept that optimism.

She’d have pinned it on to his needing to maintain morale, but they were alone. Just two Tevinters born to non-mage families. People who’d seen the dark underbelly the Magisterium tried to pretend didn’t exist. He wasn’t putting on a show for her; he knew her well enough to know she wouldn’t buy it.

This was how he genuinely felt. Neve shook her head a little as fondness for him warmed her chest just as effectively as the room. “You’re just a ray of sunshine, aren’t you?”

He grinned. “I try.”

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