#plans will be enacted and i will be emotional over robots again

[dailykugisaki]

Day seventy-three | id in alt

What if she's the star💔

[my-name-is-dre]

Mettaton is a False Prophet [OLD THEORY]

To start things off and make sure we have a reference, we need to list off the eerie yet superficial similarities between Mettaton and Asriel:

They both have multiple forms, with Mettaton having his normal form at the beginning, his EX form during his fight, and his NEO form in the No Mercy run. Asriel has his flower form throughout most of the game, his child form at the end of the True Pacifist run, and his “God of Hyperdeath” form also at the end of the True Pacifist run.

This is a minor detail, but they both possess the power to change the application’s name, with Mettaton turning it to “Undertale The Musical” during the track Oh! One True Love and Flowey turning it into “Floweytale” during his boss fight at the end of a neutral run. With the ability to change meta elements like this being traditionally associated with possessing determination in fan theories, we can conclude that there’s a case of overlap here. Another minor detail is that they’re the only two characters who can audibly speak, with Flowey’s creepy “that’s a wonderful idea!” and Mettaton’s famous “oh yes!”

One big similarity is that they’re both products of Alphys, with Mettaton being an attempt to purposefully enfuse a monster soul into an inanimate robot initially with the purpose of being efficient at killing humans, while Flowey was an incident caused by injecting determination into an inanimate object that had the remnants of a monster soul within it.

This is a bit of a stretch, but both characters are artificially inserted into your journey in an attempt to please an ulterior motive, with Flowey enacting his agency at the level equivalent of a player to toy with the same experiences and reconnect with whom he believes to be Chara while Mettaton was conscripted by Alphys to set up an elaborate stage play where she can rescue from him to feel better about herself, acting only at the level of agency as a monster.

The biggest emotional similarity is that both possess a mournful attitude towards a lost sibling, with Asriel on an endless quest of ironic spite against Chara for severing their old friendship by dying while Mettaton leaves Napstablook behind to pursue hedonistic dreams of fame and beauty, destroying the potential they had as a performance duo. Both rectify the holes these relationships left in them, with Asriel destroying the very thing that led to Chara’s death and Mettaton humbling himself reconnecting with Napstablook.

Goal-wise, they both obsess over humans but for very different reasons: Asriel has an obsession with only one human, and the reasons for this are very deep-seated and personal. Mettaton’s obsession however is more vain and is concerned with growing his audience beyond the borders of the Underground and being seen as a sort of vanguard for monsterkind among humanity. Or more insidiously, he feels as if he can assimilate into them. Both seek a form of transcendence that comes with obtaining a human soul: Asriel, as Flowey, seeks one so he can restore a bit of what he lost when he became a flower. Mettaton wants one again for vain reasons; those being to deprive Asgore of the opportunity and claim the title of the “Savior of the Underground” to himself.

Despite this being the most superficial similarity, it’s likely the most important: Both of their ‘ultimate’ forms—Mettaton NEO and God of Hyperdeath—have some interesting similarities between their designs. The most obvious is that they have these large wings jutting out, with Asriel’s having intricate color patterns while Mettaton’s flash between a brighter and darker shade of grey. Other similarities include excessively large shoulder blades and heart patterns on the chest area that are also shared with Undyne the Undying, indicating that this design motif is a trend among all major bosses considered to possess determination. Finally, this form also vaguely resembles the Delta Rune symbol, which I will elaborate on what they mean later. Despite all of this, it’s mainly the wings that are the contentious point of comparison, which I’ll get into later.

Lastly, they both seek a form of integration outside of themselves, with Asriel seeking once again the fusion of their soul with Chara’s, while Mettaton seeks total unification of their soul with their new body, and this is represented in the designs of their ultimate forms, with Mettaton’s ensignia featuring two hearts (one empty and one a monster soul) opposing each other, while Asriel’s features an empty soul within another empty soul. This is likely a metaphor that, despite all of the power he possesses, he’s still empty because he doesn’t have his friend with him. Conversely, this can apply to how Mettaton, despite achieving everything he basically dreamed of (as written in his diaries), feels empty because he abandoned Napstablook.

We’re finally done with comparisons to lay down the evidence for the main point. Now, we’ll get onto the Deltarune prophecy and what it means:

As most of you probably know, the Delta Rune is an emblem that represents the Kingdom of Monsters and is seen on the garments of every Boss Monster. In Waterfall, there are glyphs that describe a prophecy: “The Angel… The One Who Has Seen The Surface… They will return. And the underground will go empty.” If you ask Gerson to elaborate on what this means, he says that some monsters believe that this refers to a bleaker outlook: That the angel prophesied is actually a harbinger of death, and that this freedom actually refers to death.

If you connect the dots, you end up with two conflictingly obvious solutions: The first is that the player is the prophesied angel who appropriately fits both outlooks, being able to destroy the barrier and free monsterkind or free them mortally by attempting to slaughter all of them. However, another conclusion that can be drawn is that the angel prophesied is actually Asriel, and that you’re merely a vessel for his unwitting divine plan. While both are valid interpretations, the second is far more relevant to my point.

Also mentioned in those glyphs is the fact that not a single human soul was taken in the war between humans and monsters, alongside this is the missed opportunity to uncover that one can achieve godhood if they combine a human and monster’s souls. This implies a type of dualism as to whether or not the angel symbolizes the player or Asriel, as it’s more accurate to say that both the player and Asriel—the fusion of their souls—is the angel. This makes sense in both the contexts of the True Pacifist and No Mercy runs (and technically neutral), as both are attempts by Asriel to integrate with Chara again, with the former favoring Asriel’s determination while the latter favoring the player’s.

Now, what if I told you that Mettaton’s character in the story is his attempt to fulfill this prophecy artificially, thus making a false prophet of himself?

It seems hard to believe at first, but considering all the weird similarities between the staging and capabilities of both Asriel and Mettaton, it seems to imply that there’s some similarities between them in the context of the fate of monsterkind. Not only is it common knowledge among all monsters to speak of the prophecy, we also know Mettaton grew up in Waterfall alongside Napstablook and Shyren, meaning that this prophecy could’ve had more meaning to him specifically.

Now, it’s unknown whether or not the intentions to save monsterkind came about because of his hubris or because they were suggested to him by some higher command like Asgore, but considering that he states directly that he wants to kill you to prevent Asgore from taking your soul, it implies that Mettaton’s attempt at fulfilling the Delta Rune prophecy is entirely selfish.

One point of evidence in the camp that Mettaton was intentionally made to fulfill the Delta Rune prophecy is that Mettaton was made to impress Asgore according to Catty and Bratty. If this is true, then his position as a celebrity implies that he was made to be a beacon of hope that could be predictably grown and made to accomplish a purpose that fulfilled everyone’s collective desire. But the hair covering his right eye and its further concealment in his NEO form tells that, if he was created to fulfill the prophecy, then he wasn’t finished for this task and still required further tinkering from Alphys.

It may be entirely coincidental that Mettaton’s motivations as a character parallel and complement Asriel’s, but I find that hard to believe especially given the similarities of being separated from a lost sibling, seeking an integration of souls that’ll grant extraordinary power to embrace humanity to a degree, and possessing soulless objects. What I think really drives it home for me is the similarities between Mettaton NEO and the God of Hyperdeath, both of which are depicted as being angelic with prominent wings, which I’ll go on record to state are the only two boss fights in the game that feature wings prominently.

If Asriel is fulfilled as the angel of death, then the depiction of Mettaton NEO is given a newfound authenticity as he serves as the image of a guardian angel meant to stop you in a place where there is nobody to onlook, forcing him to act in authentic spirit. He now has the duty of protecting both monsterkind and humankind from you, even if he utterly fails at it.

One thing that’s hard to answer is how Mettaton is able to perform actions that imply metatextual awareness of the game and other similar actions Flowey does despite never being implied or hinted at possessing determination. Does this imply that, like Flowey, the process of integrating monster souls into inanimate objects grants them some form of determination? If so, it would grant greater proof as to why Mettaton has such a vested interest in fulfilling the Delta Rune prophecy beyond merely hearing about it. Yet, we know from the True Lab logs that Flowey was injected with determination while there’s no such implication that the same was done with Mettaton. However, we can gather from Napstablook being able to avoid being absorbed into Flowey as he transforms into Asriel that ghosts, as a type of monster, are seemingly immune to things other monsters aren’t. Perhaps this implies that they have metatextual powers like monsters with determination?

Now, here comes the really fun (and fortunately last) part where I draw parallels between these characters and the real-world mythology that may have inspired them:

Now, it’s a factoid among some that Asriel’s name may be inspired by Azrael, who is described as the angel of death in Judaism and Islam, and as part of that title, he separated souls from their bodies. His appearance has been described as being cosmically large, having an insurmountable amount of wings, and possessing a body formed of an amount of eyes and tongues representing every human being. Right away, we can see parallels to the God of Hyperdeath, who also has very large wings that appear to project a cosmic pattern within them. While its appearance may not correspond literally, he is a being composed of every human and monster soul in the Underground, eerily matching the description. Not to mention that Asriel absorbed Chara’s soul into them, equivalent to Azrael’s job of severing souls from their bodies.

Another factoid is that Metaton’s name is possibly inspired by Metatron, another angel of Judaism that, unlike Azrael, isn’t found in the Tanakh but is mentioned briefly in the Talmud. He has a similar job to Azrael in that he records the sins and merits of men, similar to how Azrael was able to see which names were blessed or damned. However, Metatron holds an even more lofty title in Kabbalistic mysticism as God’s mediator between men, being described as one “whose name is like that of his master”, even going as far as to be called “the lesser YHWH.” This is obviously a heretical dualistic proclivity in an otherwise monotheistic Judaism. Further, Metatron is related to Enoch, being described in Jewish apocrypha as the name Metatron used to have before he was transformed into an angel. Now, for all of that backstory, it parallels to Mettaton specifically in transformation: It seems as if Mettaton’s obsession with human reciprocation and the very humanoid appearance of his EX form imply that he wants to integrate into humanity similar to how Enoch entered angeldom.

The hot topic is whether or not Metatron’s power compared to that of God given the texts stating he was a secondary power in heaven with YHWH, but the answer most Rabbinistic scholars give is that he obviously wasn’t despite that it was written that all other angels bowed before him. However, this idea of there being dual power in Heaven is what later laid the groundwork for understanding the nature of Christ in Christianity. But in most Jewish sects, this doesn’t fly and is seen as a dualistic heresy, implying that there’s a falseness to Metatron’s power. Just like how there is a falseness to Mettaton’s power and intentions in all runs of the game. Another neat thing to note is that, as part of accepting Metatron as a real angel, one believes that any time a human believes God has directly spoken to them, it’s actually Metatron acting as his vessel. Perhaps this is parallel with how Mettaton is the voice of the Underground and it’s desire to be free despite himself possessing relatively lacking power?

The angel required a fusion of both a monster and human soul, and while Mettaton is the fusion between a monster soul and a soulless object akin to Flowey, it wasn’t enough to fulfill the role of the angel, falling short of his lofty dreams of being a savior. However, this disillusionment isn’t cruel, especially when you spare Mettaton and he receives a call from Napstablook (implied) that reminds him of his importance to monsterkind, making him reconsider his lofty ambitions to appeal to humanity. This is telling Mettaton that he is not a mediator between monster and humankind that he thought of himself as, for he never had the ability to combine both human and monster soul like Asriel. Perhaps he had the determination to be able to foresee the realization of the prophecy but not enough to put it into effect?

That’s just about everything I have to potentially support this theory, including referents to Jewish mythology. I firmly believe that Mettaton’s presence in the story was to serve as a false prophet to fulfill the prophecy of the Delta Rune, and that explains why his character and origin is so similar to that of Flowey.

[jaywings]

1, 22, and 23 for the fic meme!

1. give short descriptions of all your current WIPs.

Now You're Thinking with Real Science - (Invader Zim / Portal crossover!) Through a cascading series of events, Dib, Gaz, Zim, and GIR are plunged into Aperture, Chell and Wheatley dragged in with them. This is surely a blessing for GLaDOS, in need of good test subjects- oh, wait, no. A curse. Definitely a curse.

Of Blueprints and Brain Tanks - (Psychonauts) A prequel fic exploring Coach Oleander’s process of hiring Loboto and enacting his foolproof “take over the world” plan. But mostly it’s about the regrets he may have had along the way.

Windmills of the Mind - (Psychonauts) Unrelated one-shots exploring various characters, each about 2k words, give or take.

Invadernauts (temp. title) - (Invader Zim / Psychonauts) Dib and Gaz attend Whispering Rock Psychic Summer Camp. Shenanigans ensue.

ace raz (temp. title) - (Psychonauts) Raz still isn’t sure what to make of that kiss.

collective unconscious (temp. title) - (Psychonauts) Post- PN2, Raz re-visits some of the minds from the first game to check up on them.

The Girl with Kaleidoscope Eyes - (Psychonauts) The direct aftermath of the Battle of Grulovia on all the Psychic 7... Oh. I mean, 5.

Psychonauts and Portal crossover  - Chell wakes up trapped in a science facility with an odd, robotic visitor. But there’s one thing no one counted on- Chell is an accomplished Psychonaut.

encanto/pn crossover (temp. title haha) - (Psychonauts / Encanto) The Madrigal family receives strange visitors to the Casita. A whole circus caravan of them.

Bruno is home (temp. title) - (Encanto) A short fic about Bruno adjusting to being part of the family again (and the family adjusting to him).

22. how much of your own self/experiences do you believe pours into your projects? if this differs per project, which projects have the most and least of you?

It definitely depends on the project. I haven’t really tried to translate direct experiences of mine into a whole story, but bits of my life leak into everything I write. The ones that have the least of me are probably some of those sporadic one-shots with darker tones, since they’re so heavily based on the characters’ stories: things like Won’t Feel a Thing, No Place for Remorse, and It’s a Beautiful Day Outside

23. what do you do to engage with your projects which isn’t actually writing? ex: playlists, pinterest boards, etc. how much do they play a role in the development of your work?

Playlists! I make long playlists for every one of my bigger projects. Usually I fall into the trap of working on those for hours rather than uh, the actual project. They’re great to get me in the mood for the story and feel Emotions about it.

More recently I’ve started doing Pinterest boards! I’m still kind of testing the waters with that so I can’t say it’s been extremely helpful yet, but it does have a lot of inspiring things on it.

[smolbeandrabbles]

Dangerous Kind - Killian x Reader (Spies In Disguise)

GIF CREDIT: X

Author’s Note: Whoops-! 

Well here’s one from January - all things considered this man made a come back. He was in the box a shorter time than I expected, but hey, I’ll take it! 

Disclaimer: SiD characters not mine / gifs not mine - credit as appropriate / lyrics not mine

Premise: As an Undercover Agent you know what you’re doing - even though at the end of all this you’re going to have to take him down. It should all work out, unless the Agency jeapodises its own mission...

Words: 4424

Warnings: threat / injury detail / mild swearing

______

You got me in this situation You got me backed against the wall Caught in a web of your creation I bet you set me up to fall You gotta shady reputation Once you deliver your temptation No one can stop your master plan Don't try to lie about it I don't believe a thing you say The more you try to hide it The more the lies show on your face You're the dangerous kind Now look at what you've done to me What you've done to me baby You've gotta criminal mind Your motive is to plant the seed Now I'd kill for you baby You're the dangerous kind I've been sleeping with the enemy Now I'm doing the time Paying up for the crime Guess you took everything you could from me

---

Your mission was simple. Always was, always had been. You liked working for the Agency, you’d been a young cadet once – bright eyed and eager. Got in a little too many bumps and scrapes which got you well known as reckless. That recklessness helped you rise through the ranks though – because you were prepared to take risks no one else would; both to stop people and save people. You supposed you were glad you weren’t I the same class as Lance Stirling – having opted for a different career path through the agency, but like Lance Stirling you were the best at your job – and you also believed in flying solo. You’d been offered to head a team many times; but that meant pulling you back from the field and you had way too much fun in the field to want to leave it. And you at least had good reason to fly solo. You were a covert agent. And instead of sneaking around trying to stop the bad guys, ending with a massive showdown that made you a hero and got you all the glory, you infiltrated to take them down from the inside. To anyone else – you were the bad guy. You only contacted the Agency twice – to receive a new assignment, and once the assignment was done, but under no other circumstances did you have contact with Agents. That kept them safe as well as you, and you knew how dangerous this was, but you were good at it. And that’s what mattered. A few years back you’d been sent to uncover facts about a plot manifesting in Kyrgyzstan; before you’d got a chance to go out there, Lance Sterling had gone and taken it out himself. Through some twist of fate, whilst working something for Katsu Kimura (you had to keep up apparencies!) you’d met the sole survivor of that very incident. He referred to himself as Killian – although you were fairly certain that was a code name for something else – a tall, handsome, careful Australian man who wanted nothing more than revenge on your Agency for what they had done to him, and everyone he knew. That kind of thing you could completely understand, but suddenly you found yourself in the midst of a plot to destroy both your employer, and all your friends. It made you uneasy. But you knew your job, and you’d damn well do a good one here too.

He made it hard, though. It was just far too easy to fall for him; easy on the eye, mysterious… terribly broken. You could sympathise all you wanted but you knew what it was. You knew it was a full-blown crush. And that led to you trying to find a way to stop this man that wouldn’t lead to him being hurt even more than he already was. As things picked up, you became closer and the more he let you into his world, the more you understood his reasoning. You’d never much been Lance’s biggest fan yourself – his methods didn’t matter to him so long as the job was done. You had always been far more meticulous even when reckless. That led from you suggesting things, and just helping out when you could, to being a partnership. Dare you say a team? And that partnership got closer and closer until one day it got a little too close and you decided that drinking champagne alone together was probably something you should never do again. But then it didn’t become a state of awkward co-workers trying to avoid each other; if anything if might well have helped relieve the tension. And before long you were telling him I love you and meaning it – and on occasion, Killian would even say it back. Deep down you knew it was stupid and probably wouldn’t last. It was your job to stop him after all, but you were allowed to let him be at least a little successful before you really had to step in. And that made him happy. And you made him happy. (Well, as happy as you supposed he got). There was nothing you dreaded more than having to shut him down – than having to betray him back to the organisation that had done this to him in the first place. But you weren’t going to let your emotions run this, and you knew you absolutely could not hesitate when the moment called for it. Killian was far more dangerous than anyone else you thought you’d ever come into contact with; and although you still didn’t know the full details of that fateful day in Kyrgyzstan, you got a pretty good idea of what exactly they could have been up to. So you stood by, as he gained the M9 Assassin, and tested it, meaning you were now holed up in a weapons facility in the middle of the North Sea. That came with its own mixed emotions – because although you did know what your Agency was capable of, seeing a stark reminder of it left you nothing but cold. Why should it surprise you that men like Killian wanted to take the whole thing down? And the M9 was something else entirely. How in the hell did the Agency even think that planning something like that, let alone building it, was a good idea? You sighed gently, turning away from the mass production line and walking towards the window – nothing but choppy waves for miles and miles. You raised your eyes to the skyline, currently a dull grey and waited. It might have been a long wait for him to get back from Venice but you’d likely stay here until he was back. And then you’d have to make your choice – because if he got ahold of that agent database and enacted his plans, it would be game over…

*** The problem was waiting for the right moment. Standing by whilst he lectured Lance about the how and why wasn’t it, and neither was the targeting system coming online considering you were surrounded by 1000 drones. And by the time they had cleared and you thought it was about the right time, you were already a little too late. Not for the situation. Oh you’d been too late for that for a little while, and you could of course, kick yourself for it. But for yourself. As soon as the room cleared and you thought you might well be able to breathe again, the screen flashed up a warning. Warning: Target in Proximity then it asked him if he still wanted to proceed. You weren’t exactly sure how these drones were going to kill people but you assumed that the warning was because Killian wouldn’t want to be anywhere near it when it happened. For safety reasons. To you it made sense for the warning to come up. Lance was in the room. Though you were sure that Killian wasn’t going to use a Drone to kill him – if kill him at all. Killian however, was confused; “What? Yeah, I told you not to target Lance. What are you talking about?” It took a couple of moments to register, and suddenly you were filled with an overwhelming sense of dread. Shit please don’t tell me that as an undercover agent – with the operations I run I’m still on the damn Agency list!!!

You were. Because as soon as he touched the screen your picture flashed up. And even Lance was perplexed. Oh you have got to be fu- You didn’t even have time to finish the thought before Killian turned to you, light in his robotics red as ever. “YOU-!?!” You looked back to the screen; well – it wasn’t even like you could deny it. It wasn’t even that old of a photograph. And you couldn’t even think of a decent excuse. “Killian, it’s not-” “Not what-!? Not what it looks like-!? Don’t you dare! How can it be anything else?” “The Agency didn’t ask me to… Yes - I work for them, but I chose to work this mission… and I…” He took steps towards you that made you concede them, and suddenly you were backed against the wall. Eyes wide; it was the first time you’d ever really been afraid of him, and what he might do to you. “I love you, that’s never been a lie! I fell in love with you!!” Nobody in the agency was asking you to get close to him by any means necessary and there is no way in hell you’d agree to do that in the first place. But that was ALL that was crossing his face. He might have been angry, obviously angry – but there was an element of hurt there too, that you could possibly have betrayed him like this; “Yeah, like I can believe that-!” “Killian-! Please-! I-” He wasn’t giving you much time to finish anything, as you were ruthlessly yanked from the floor by a drone. “No! No! NO! No! Don’t do this-! I love you-! God-! Please don’t do this---!” Whatever about him made him a good person, made him sympathetic and fragile and sometimes damn near soft towards you was all but gone. There was no way you were getting through to him now. “KILLIAN-!” You screamed as suddenly you weren’t over metal flooring anymore but rocks and ocean. You’d seen him do this to the researcher and never would have dreamed that you would suffer the same fate. “Please…!” Tears stung your eyes but you weren’t sure if that was the salt in the cutting wind, or because the man you loved was about to throw you to your death “…You don’t need to do this.” There wasn’t even a flicker of emotion across his face as he stared at you, maybe even through you, suspended over those unforgiving waves. “No, you see…” His mouth pressed into a hard line, and his eyes narrowed – cold and icy, “I do.” The freezing gusts stole your breath instantly, so as you fell you couldn’t even scream. And he was the last thing you saw.

*** “…Hey… Hey… wake up… Hey, gosh you must have taken quite the fall – Yeah Lovey, I think she’s okay!” Your vision remained blurred and occasionally went black as you tried to focus. Clearly you weren’t quite dead. “Woah-! No I wouldn’t try to move just yet; you’re hurt pretty bad just lie still…” When your senses decided to calibrate themselves, you were staring at a very young man. Messy brown hair and bright blue eyes. “Did you… save my life?” Your voice croaked but it’d have to do, he seemed a little bashful; “Well uh, yeah… I mean I guess I did.” With the limited moment you had you found yourself staring around – the noise of the waves still crashing against shoreline meant you were still on the weapons facility island. “Thank you.” “Oh. I don’t know how thankful you’ll be when you start to feel again, I feel like there’s quite a few breaks and fractures here…” There was a coo from beside him and you found your eyes flicking to a pigeon. He turned; “We better find Lance, and quick! Oh, but we can’t just leave her-!?” No, wait, make that three pigeons. You blinked a couple of times; “Wait, did you say Lance?” His blue eyes widened; “Yeah-!?” “You’re with the Agency-!?” He didn’t look like an agent – and if you thought it wouldn’t be terribly painful to laugh you might well have. “Y-Yeah-! Walter Beckett, I mean I work in the science labs but… you’re with the Agency.” You decided to shift your body up, resting on your elbows, taking it a little at a time; “Agent L/N. Covert Ops. Infiltration. This is the first time it hasn’t worked out.” You cracked a smile, “It’s a pleasure to meet you Walter.” Then winced as a sharp pain shot through your side, “Woah-! I told you not to move!” “I’ve always been just a tad reckless…” But you laid back down, “Lance is up there.” You nodded, “He’s pretty tied up right now. You gonna be able to save him.” “We’ve got this!” Walter smiled “Don’t worry-!” “You and your… pigeons?” You couldn’t really help the disbelief in your voice “Mhm-!” but he seemed confident; “Trust me, this is nothing compared to my day-!” He stood; “We’ll stop him L/N.” “Y/N. Call me Y/N.” That only made him beam; “I’ll contact the Agency, Y/N-! They’ll be here soon I promise!” “Thanks, Walter.” Then you did laugh; “You take your pigeon friends and end this-!”

Walter wasn’t wrong and before long further agents arrived and you did indeed receive medical attention.

You’d certainly have to thank the kid later; you knew you owed him your life now. But your body was also incredibly broken, and you knew you’d be stuck in rehab for a little while before you got back to work. But you couldn’t help but worry about Killian, what would the Agency do to him? What would Lance Stirling do to him - you knew the man’s reputation, after all. And it wasn’t like he hadn’t tried it once before.

 What about what would happen if you had to face Killian again? You weren’t so sure you could handle that well.

 ***

 You’d never wanted to get back to work so much in your life. You’d recovered well - probably pushing yourself a little harder than you should have and were back on your feet in record time. You wanted to see this one through and you knew that Killian was awaiting trial. Joy would let you do that, but she wanted you to continue to rest up as soon as it was all over.

 As soon as you stepped out of that elevator and through the security gate - huge smile on your face to see the Agency bustling as ever; considering how different it would have been it Killian had succeeded - you were accosted by the very same young man who had saved your life. “Y/N!!” You couldn’t help but return his hug “Walter-!” Then laughed “Were you waiting for me-!?” “Kinda- I gotta say! It’s good to see you back-!” You thought that was very sweet, considering he’d never actually seen you here “Thank you... but honestly it’s me who should be saying that it’s good to see you... you saved my life!” He looked bashful again; “Oh. I mean, I’m sure you’d do the same, anyone would.” You tipped your head, certain that Walter knew that probably that wasn’t the case. But it was also clear he saw the best in people. You answered with a gentle smile; “Well, I would surely try...” you looked around him, “Where’s your pigeon friends-!?” He laughed; “Lovey, Jeff and Crazy Eyes-!? They’re home! You remember them-!” You folded your arms - “When you wake up thinking you’d died and you see a guy and three pigeons I think it’s pretty hard to forget... and Lance?” “Around, I’m sure.” “Uh huh... I heard it was all a little unconventional...” You made him walk with you as you spotted Joy waiting for you at the other end of the main lobby area “Unconventional sure-! But pretty awesome-!!” “You came up with all the gadgets too?” “Mhm-!” “So I guess I better start commissioning you for my stuff too, huh?” “Oh I dunno... you’re the covert one.” “True. Could come in handy...” You paused your walk and turned to him, “I’ll have to keep in contact - Walter! For sure!” “Or-! Maybe you can join our team-!?” “Your team?” “Lance and I, we have a team of agents now - oh this is all really new but-” He hesitated at the puzzled look on your face, “No?” “...Let me discuss this one with Joy-!”

By this time, you were in front of her; “Agent L/N.” “Joy” you folded your hands in front of you and dipped your head respectfully; “Thank you for allowing me to see this through.” “My pleasure. I believe you would be the one to know the most about this man, given your mission.” You nodded, wondering if she’d want you to speak at trial. You hoped not; how you were ever supposed to go back to what you did when this could well be publicised. “Therefore, we’d like you to keep an eye on him and escort him to trial. No one knows him and his movements better than you do.” You really hoped you didn’t look shocked - and you didn’t dare protest. That would mean you had to see him again- right?! Shit! How would he like that? Let alone you? Did he know you weren’t dead-!!? Although you were sure someone would probably let slip that the agent he tried to kill survived. “Yes M’am-!” You gave a nod, you needed to be prepared - If seeing this whole thing through meant being in proximity again, then you would simply have to bear it. He’d tried to kill all your friends after all - you couldn’t start being soft now. Besides they might know that you knew him, but they didn’t know your history - your romantic history. If you could keep your feelings in check it would all work out okay, and Killian would receive the justice he deserved.

“Good. We head to trial in few days. Let’s bring you up to speed...” ***

Killian wasn’t all that surprised to see you. Or, he didn’t look it at least. You assumed someone would have told him that you survived – you wondered what his immediate reaction was, was he relieved? Was he angry that he hadn’t managed to do the job? Either way, his face was anything but stoic, torn between staring at you so hard he was seeing right through you, like you weren’t even there – and he probably wished you weren’t, and looking like he was ready to murder you. Twice. You gulped, unsure now you were in front of him just how good of an idea this was. But it was certainly a little too late to back out of this now. You instructed the guard to hand over all the keys, and made the mistake of telling him you could handle this yourself. He looked sceptical; “But, Y/N, he did throw you out of a window.” You folded your arms, knowing that wasn’t EXACTLY what went down. “I can handle this.” Your voice was cool “But M’am-” “I can HANDLE this myself.” Your glare at least made him give up. “Fine, but remember the cameras are on him.” “I haven’t been doing this as long as I have to lose this one.” Then you turned back to Killian, still giving you that same look, and jerked your head. “Let’s move.” Killian sighed, which was as verbal as he’d gotten and followed you, turning back to smirk at the guard – which had him immediately reaching for his comms. “This one?” The smooth Australian accent cut the air with about as much venom as he dare give you. You ignored him, falling back behind him – but he kept walking the straight corridor and didn’t stop. “Not so talkative now, huh?” “Shut up.” “Oooh. I see.” “You tried to kill me, what are you expecting me to say?” “I figure with our history there’s a lot to say.” “SHUT. UP.” “They don’t know.” He stopped so suddenly, that you were only saved from crashing into him by your reflexes, and you scowled. Killian half turned, smirk renewed; “Do they?” “What happened between you and I is hardly relevant.” “Is if I bring it up at trial.” You opened your mouth, decided against it, and grabbed his arm roughly. You had a strong grip, he’d give you that, though he’d probably expect nothing less than a spy trained by the Agency “Don’t you dare.” “Or what?” You squeezed his arm even harder to the point where he winced and dragged him around the corner to a set of double doors that would lead to the armoured truck with which you’d drive him to the Agency trial. “You’ll be lucky if you get there at this rate.” “I figure I should be the one more upset here.” You scoffed again, yanking him back as you awaited the door to open automatically; guards flanked your walk to the car. “If you had your way, I’d be dead.” Even he couldn’t come up with a good comeback to that.

 You loaded him in the back and attached his cuffs to the bench, before eyeing him suspiciously; “No funny business. I’m watching you.” His eyes searched yours for a moment and you stood still for a little too long; Killian raised an eyebrow; “You still think about it don’tcha.” “W…What?” “Me and you.” Then he smiled, and it was a real smile – nearly gentle, not malicious and certainly not a smirk. “Don’t ya?!” “Would you not be satisfied until I admitted it to you-!?” He sat back, look pointed. You’d walked right into that one – and suddenly you found yourself flushing. But his head tipped, “I’m glad I’m not the only one.” “W…” You were about to repeat yourself and stepped away pointing at him; “I know what you’re doing and it’s not gonna work!” “What am I doing, pray tell?” “Manipulating me. It’s not going to work, Killian. You’re going away for a very long time.” You hopped out of the back and glared at him again as you prepared to slam the door on him; “And I’m gonna make sure of it.” **

I’m glad I’m not the only one. Those words echoed in your head as you drove. And you started to drum your fingers on the steering wheel, biting your lip. After a while you were checking your rear view mirror a little too often – he was hunched over, and quiet, alone with his own thoughts. But every so often he’d look up and those startling blue eyes would catch yours – and he’d give you that smile again. You could barely tear yourself away – and yet at the same time couldn’t pull your eyes from his fast enough; and he had you heating up again. Your internal fight lasted nearly the whole journey. Your resistance waned but was surprisingly strong – although you knew it’d eventually break. And you could have done a billion things, called for an escort. Called for backup. Called Joy and apologised profusely but also said maybe you weren’t ready.  Take the blame – maybe not come back until all this was over. You wouldn’t see it through – but at what cost were you about to ‘see this through’? You weren’t, and as you slowed the truck to a stop, you knew that your reckless streak was back. You didn’t hear Killian ask you why you’d stopped or what you were doing, as you rounded the vehicle. This was middle of nowhere USA territory – lots of things could go wrong out here. And no Agency cars for miles. They were either all already there, or so far behind they’d never catch on. You unlocked the back of the truck, and waltzed up to him. Killian regarded you uncertainly for a minute; “Think I’ll make good on my threat?” He chuckled, “You just gonna kill me now?” “Do what you couldn’t?” You laughed, “Maybe, and I’d do it a damn sight better.” Instead, you reached forward and pressed the release button on his handcuffs, stepping back. “Ah. Ooops.” He looked to his hands for a minute; raising them slowly – out of the cuffs his robotics weren’t disabled, and the red and blue lights shot through them again. But when he raised his eyes to your face again, his look told you he thought you were insane. “Why?” You folded your arms, thinking it was pretty obvious, and also not wanting to answer as he rose from his seat. But Killian’s eyes narrowed – and left eye changed from blue to red; “Why-!?” He growled it, not liking to be ignored. You gave a soft sigh; “Because I can. And I love you.” He took a step forward that was supposed to be menacing, but didn’t faze you; “I could kill you. Right now.” And he could certainly make good on that, this you knew. Eyes flicking momentarily to his machinery. But you knew him, and he’d shown his hand as much as you had. You met his eyes again, confidently; “You won’t.” “I already tried.” Fact, perhaps. But he’d failed, and didn’t seem to mind so much about that. “You won’t.” “They’ll know.” Killian smirked; “No way a smart girl like you would go to prison for me.” “I know my skill set. All its gonna look like is you did something to cause a car crash and you escaped… By the time they get here, you’ll be long gone.” You nodded to the open back door, “So I’d go get your head start.”

But he didn’t move, not for a few minutes, and you were about to get annoyed at him for not accepting your charity – before he rushed forward and pretty soon you found yourself pinned up against the wall again, his lips on yours. You couldn’t help but instinctively close your eyes to him, wrapping your arms around his shoulders, fingers in his hair. It wasn’t a long kiss, but still one you were going to savour, and as he released you, you knew his thank you wasn’t about to be verbal. That was it. You both gave each other the same understanding smile, before he turned back to the open door, walking slowly forward. Killian paused, letting the wind tousle his hair, and took a deep breath, before turning back to you. “Y/N… I…” You shook your head, wanting that sentence to go unsaid as much as he wanted to say it. “Catch you later.” He smirked, “You might...” With that he hopped down, and giving you a nod, took off. You stood where you were for a minute or two, smile on your face – before walking out of the truck yourself. You turned this way and that, but he was gone. Disappearing just like that… A little piece of you was disappointed. But you knew you’d see him again. That much was certain. You looked back to the truck, thinking you better get started, but gave one last glance to the desert around you. No, Killian, I will.

---

Thank you for reading! ❤

[thanksjro]

More Than Meets the Eye #3- Robots in the Vents, Because It’s Not a Roberts Story if It Doesn’t Happen at Least Once

So, the duobots are having a hell of a day.

Shock, our resident obligate belly-sleeper and newly-single robot, laments the passing of his buddy, leaves a vial of innermost energon by his body- a practice that will be expanded upon later- then covers up any and all traces of their having worked with Prowl. These are the inside guys Prowl called after he flipped that table in issue #1.

As Shock tracks down the tracer Ore was supposed to be planting instead of being eaten by the quantum drive, he comes across that sparkeater that got mentioned last issue.

That is his brain.

Then he explodes.

Which brings us to the scene we left in issue #2. Sparkeater on board the Lost Light, which is full of sparks that probably would prefer not to get eaten.

Holy shit Cosmos is huge. I don’t remember him being that goddamn big.

Rodimus thinks that this whole sparkeater thing is really neat, and he’s happy to be a part of it, but he’s not so thrilled about the prospect of subjecting the others to this event, so he orders everyone to find a friend and go to their rooms until he and his select few sort this whole thing out. He doesn’t tell them about the sparkeater, because that’s some scary bullshit to throw out there less than a day into the trip.

Everyone files out, Swerve having forgotten about Tailgate, who’s having a minor wardrobe malfunction. Since he doesn’t have legs at present, he calls out to the one other guy he knows on the Lost Light.

Tailgate really knows how to pick ‘em.

Over with the dead body, everyone stands what is probably unadvisedly close to the scene of the crime and Ratchet performs a quick and dirty autopsy. The boys discuss the validity of Red Alert’s theory that this was caused by a sparkeater, with the mention of Rewind’s grainy footage making the creature seem like the Cybertronian equivalent of a cryptid. Probably less Fresno nightcrawler and more chupacabra. Ratchet tries to get everyone to focus for two goddamn seconds, when Trailbreaker picks up Shock’s brain module, knocking everyone right back off track again with the discussion of Rossum’s Trinity, the idea that the spark, brain module, and transformation cog are all interconnected, and damage to one can cause the others to shut down.

Ratchet’s had just about enough of this lot, but he gets through his examination.

This is the issue Alex Milne started drawing the insignias in himself as opposed to the previous practice of IDW having them put in in post.

Rodimus, however, wants to show off his new toys as it were, and asks Chromedome to take a gander. Chromedome wearily obliges, having Ratchet pop the brain back in Shock’s head so he can do his thing. Every other person on this fucking ship is a doctor, you see, and Chromedome is no exception- he’s a mnemosurgeon.

(Yes, my spellcheck DOES lose its mind every time I type that.)

Chromedome takes his terrifying pointy hands, jams them into the eye sockets of this corpse, and gets a brainfull of Shock’s final moments.

This is such a cool panel, and I went and ruined it for myself by realizing the upper left portion shouldn’t be visible, seeing as the brain is already outside Shock’s head, without any sort of cord connecting it to his body.

Back upstairs, folks are moving into their rooms for the surprise lockdown. Cyclonus is being a pal and is carrying Tailgate, because I’m pretty sure the little guy is just about the only person who’s talked to him in a non-hostile fashion in the last couple of months, and that really gets old after a while.

Those legs sure are something, Hoist. Is it just, like, a rule that a certain percentage of Transformers designs have to be at least somewhat unintentionally horny?

The two find a room, and then Cyclonus remembers that he’s not supposed to show things like empathy until later in the series, and drops Tailgate on the floor unceremoniously.

Meanwhile, over with Skids and Swerve, the pair’s found something truly wonderful- a fully-stocked bar. Swerve’s always wanted to run a bar, and this just might be his chance to chase his dreams.

Swerve is the punching bag for MTMTE, in case you couldn’t tell.

While Swerve is not-so-subtly crying for help, Skids is busy enacting another Roberts writing-staple- the robot in the vents. See, Skids has hit his bad boy phase; he doesn’t play by your daddy’s rules, so he’s gonna sneak out and do generally whatever pleases him, because he’s got a big honkin’ chunk of memories that just aren’t there anymore. Apparently that’s all he needs to go AWOL.

As Skids lifts himself up into the ceiling to fulfill his destiny as a vent-pest, he asks Swerve if he listens to music, which is met with a negatory. Odd, given his later characterization, but maybe he’s more into contemporary works.

The ass poking worked! Swerve is now the proud owner of one whole entire friend!

Back with the corpse crew, Chromedome’s finished his assessment of the body, and agrees that there’s a sparkeater amongst them. This is a huge fucking problem, to put it lightly, both in the sense of actual, physical danger, and the metaphysical space of the Lost Light itself.

Are we sure this thing didn’t just see this ship full of over 200 war veterans and say “that’s some good eatin’ right there” and snuck on board? Because if I were a horrific monster that was drawn to pain and emotional trauma, I’d absolutely consider the Lost Light a gold mine.

As Chromedome lays his head in Rewind’s lap, the others weigh their options. Sparkeaters go after the brightest sparks, then work their way down, so this thing is probably on the move as they speak. The thing’s eaten recently, the sparks haven’t completely digested, and that means they can’t just shoot it, because then it’ll explode, and we’ve had enough of that for one day.

Rodimus has everyone else go to hunt the thing down, while he and Drift hang out here in the basement. When Ultra Magnus questions this plan of attack, he’s brushed off, though Rodimus appears to imply that he thinks he’s got the brightest spark on the ship. Probably all that Matrix nonsense he went through.

Back upstairs, Animus gets shot with the irony gun and gets his soul vored.

This is what happens when you tell lies, kids. Your lemon-lime flavored soul gets eaten by the mecha-Krampus.

Whirl, who had locked the door to the habsuite, which is why Animus was out in the hall to begin with, realizes that something seriously messed up is happening, and does what he knows best, i.e. shooting first and asking questions probably never.

Good thing Trailbreaker is there to keep Whirl from exploding the entire ship, employing the help of his forcefield ability to contain the barrage.

In the resulting chaos, the sparkeater escapes, having triangulated its next meal, and it’s not Rodimus.

It’s this dweeb.

You can tell he’s in his office, because he’s got a landscape painting in there. Landscape paintings are pretty much the only decor allowed in doctors’ offices, I’m pretty sure it’s, like, a law or something.

Luckily, Rung decided to get threatened by a space-cryptid directly under a vent, so Skids can save his skinny little butt. Good job, Skids. Proud of you.

Back with Tailgate and Cyclonus, little dude’s just finished explaining his whole deal. He’s still trying to figure out what the hell happened during his dirt nap, so Cyclonus tries his best to fill him in on the several million year war. Keep in mind, Cyclonus wasn’t exactly there either, so his whole explanation probably isn’t the best. He wonders out loud which side Tailgate would have gravitated towards, had he been around for the massive mess the Autobots and Decepticons made.

Meanwhile, back in the GODDAMNED DUCTWORK, Rung and Skids are crawling as fast as they can to escape the sparkeater, though they can’t be that worried about it, seeing as Rung answers a phone call on his weird body-harness phone setup. Rodimus tells the two of them to head for the engine room, so that the sparkeater follows them down. Rung doesn’t seem too thrilled about this plan, but what’s he gonna do, argue with a potential space-pope?

Skids punches through a vent into the elevator shaft, then uses his grappling hook- which I want to say is never seen again after this issue- to lower them down in one of the most well-known crotch shots in the entire comic series.

Iconic.

They land on top of the elevator, and Skids yells at Brainstorm to punch the "E for Engine Room” button. The sparkeater bursts in through the ceiling, and Skids and Rung book it out of there, leaving Brainstorm to his inevitable demise.

Or not.

Rung and Skids have made it to the engine room, so now it’s time for the next portion of Rodimus’ plan, which is really only a small tweaking of what Rung was doing earlier- instead of being a moving target, he’ll be playing the role of stationary bait, as Rodimus holds him like a fucking crucifix made out of people, urging the sparkeater to come take a bite.

Up on the bridge, Perceptor gets ready to kick on the quantum engine, as per his captain’s request. Sure hope this plan works, because if they lose Rung, I don’t think they’ll ever find another therapist, thanks to the apparent ratio of 1:1/3 of the entire population of Cybertron.

The sparkeater lunges, Rodimus throws Rung off to the side, and he and the beast wrestle, Crocodile Dundee style. Perceptor initializes the jump, and, because they’re in the danger zone for the quantum engine, they get sucked in.

Rung seems a little miffed, but I’d say this is a win for Team Rodimus, even if those arms of his are toast. It’s cool though, he can get new ones.

Smashcut to Rodimus and his sick new arms, as he finishes explaining just what the hell happened to Magnus. Magnus isn’t quite as jazzed about the whole “used our therapist as a worm on a hook” thing as one would think, surprisingly, but Rodimus isn’t in the mood for a lecture. Off in the background, Tailgate’s getting his butt fixed, curtesy of Ratchet. Tailgate’s talking up a storm, regardless of Ratchet’s rather cool reception to the chatter.

Tailgate did some thinking while everyone was locked in their rooms, and he’s made a decision, based on his limited understanding of the Autobot/Decepticon war.

I guess Cyclonus forgot to mention the fact that there isn’t a single Decepticon on this ship for a reason.

[snowplexus2]

BNHA x Danganronpa V3

I got bored and wrote this on two days despite never have written a fight scene before, haha whoops.

Word count: 1,415  | Pairing: Saiouma

-0-0-0-

“First in the ring, straight from the Hero course, Class 1-A’s resident detective, Shuichi Saihara!” 

The screaming from both Present Mic and the audience was deafening. Supportive words from his classmates rang in his ears as he stepped from the archway to the arena, the cheering only seemed to ring louder with every step he took.

He should have seen something like this coming. After all, there was always something like a 1v1 at the end of every sports festival, he honestly should not have expected anything different. What shocked him the most is how odd it was he had even gotten this far. He was lucky enough to get ahead of the rest of the first-years during the lap around the school, but the cavalry battle was pure luck.

Shuichi will admit, having both Amami and Akamatsu with him helped his chances greatly. But, not to toot his own horn, but being able to communicate with the ghosts just flying about was also pretty handy. Of course, he learned quickly in his life most people start to get nervous if you just so happen to mention their dead father floating around, so he had gotten used to masking his quirk as a subtle ‘I can see your weaknesses.’ 

Kicking up the dust on the dirt, Saihara took a step onto the raised platform. He had to wonder who his opponent would be. Depending on their quirk, he could be out of the ring pretty quickly or he would find himself on a podium later in the day.

The opposite archway was too full of shadows for him to make out any person waiting, which was odd considering the positioning of the sun during this time of day. Glancing over to the pairing-screen, he watched as the second scrolling wheel of students slowed to a halt.

Him?

Shuichi looked back over to the archway, trying to swallow down whatever emotion tried to lurch in his throat.

“And for his opponent-”

Deep breaths. He told himself, watching as four shadows walked into the open air, only one touched the concrete floor.

“Hailing from the General Studies course!”

Shuichi watched, eyes trailing over the three ghosts that had somehow always accompanied him. The first two were obvious, his mother and father, the resemblance was too great for it to be a coincidence. The third, however, was a small child. A little girl that, no matter how often he saw the other, always clung to his leg, and always wore the same, circus-esque mask.

“Hey there, Saihara-chan!”, he rocked back and forth on his heels, waving. “It’s so wonderful seeing you again!”

Then, the rocking stopped, he scratched his chin, and his purple eyes bore into Shuichi’s. His face grew grotesque in a second, shadows licking at his skin. He could feel his skin crawl, hair rising on his arms as if he had been electrified. His opponent muttered something else, something close to ‘but that’s a lie’ before Mic drowned out his voice with-

“Kokichi Ouma!”

The crowd had barely cheered for that, which brought something close to a frown on his face. And yet, like his usual self, Ouma bounced back in an instant.

“Are you ready to fight me, Saihara-chan? I know my quirk has little effect on something like those robots, too much metal and steel for me.” Ouma took a step forward, as if he was trying to judge how he fights by his stance alone. “Should work on you well enough.”

Clouds blot out the sun.

“All this talk isn’t going to give you an upper hand, Ouma.” Shuichi tossed out, steeling himself enough to stand straighter than he already was, throwing his best attempt of a glare at his opponent.

“Awwee, I thought this was going to be fun, but you just wanna be a party pooper!” Ouma stuck his tongue out like a child. One of the two ghosts above him, Ouma’s mother he supposes, ruffles his hair, even if the action doesn’t show.

“This is supposed to be a fight, I don’t think it’s supposed to be fun.” Shuichi took a breath as the countdown started. He could do this.

5

“But, Saihara-chan,”

4

He could do this

3

“Aren’t fights-”

2

He could do this

1

“Supposed to be fun?”

0Shuichi felt his instincts yell at him to move back the second the buzzer rang through the stadium, and he was glad he listened.

A mass of shadows reached out like a hand, trying to grab at whatever it could. 

Kokichi Ouma’s quirk, Shuichi’s thoughts tried to run faster than his body as he rolled under another swing of the shadows. Lying Abyss. He feeds negativity into his shadow, although it is uncertain how that is accomplished.

Shuichi pauses, eyes within the squirming mass that wound around his opponent unfolded, and followed him. He was too aware of the white boundary all around, too aware that if he stepped over, it would be game over for him.

He stumbled, curving around the nightmarish shadows shot his way. His quirk, his quirk, his quirk. Ouma can use these shadows in both long range and short range attacks. When they do touch another being, the negativity will flood his opponent, usually resulting in a panic attack or something even more life threatening.

How do you counteract that?

How do you counteract negativity?

Oh, wait. Surprisingly, that’s an easy one.

“Hey, Ouma!” He called out, watching as the small girl only he could see continued to scratch and grab at the other’s pants. He could figure out what was up with that girl in the mask later. For now, he had to try something objectively stupid.

You counteract negativity….

“Yeah, Saihara-chan?

With positivity.

“You honestly look really cute today.”

Shuichi could tell the enactment on his hypothesis had the desired effect, even Ouma’s ghosts looked a bit stunned.

With wide eyes, Ouma looked as if his hand had gone numb. The swarm of shadows, inches from Shuichi’s face, fell to the ground and shattered against the concrete. Eyes in the swarm grew lidded, beginning to look bored.

“Wha…” Ouma started, cleared his throat, then tried again. “What did you say?”

“I said you look cute today, though you usually look better in the uniform than the gym clothes.”

Shuichi stepped away from the white border he was dangerously close to, watching how fast a blush grew to the tips of his opponent's ears.

“Sh-Shut up you liar!” Ouma’s shadows have mostly retreated, Shuichi thinks what's left is what is giving Ouma a stark outline against the rest of the stadium.

Saihara bolts for him, hoping to make the rest of the fight hand to hand combat. And short.

Saihara aims a punch for his head, both hopeful that he would doge such an obvious move, and already regretting what would happen if he didn’t.

Ouma slid past, using his short stature to dive under his arm and slip past his defenses. Shuichi could feel panic start to flood his veins. He had no idea how versed his opponent was at fighting, but he was under the impression he wasn’t trained in the slightest.

A kick behind the knee brought him sprawling to the ground. Well, Shuichi thought, stumbling to his feet as he avoided a jab to his throat, there goes that hope.

Another jab came, but his instincts grabbed a hold of his movements. His hand went over Shuichi’s shoulder with a quick movement of his head. His body arched so his nose glanced across the fabric laid over Ouma’s abdomen. Pushing up, Ouma’s feet went along as he tossed the smaller over his shoulder.

Recovering quickly, quicker than Shuichi would have first expected, he twisted in the air to control his fall, to land like a cat. Watching the other dip low, Shuichi stepped back. He raised his arms to cover his face as the other pounced at his head.

Shuichi swung his arms out, to push Ouma away or what, he wasn’t really certain. He figured his subconscious had a plan as he felt his elbow connect with something soft and fleshy.

He looks back, and Ouma meets his eyes with somethin akin to bloodlust pooling inside, and he thinks he knows why. His eyes fall on a dented nose and the rushing waves of pink that flew from it.

The sun reappeared from behind the clouds, Shuichi had to strain to see the world.

Ouma lunged.

[excalisbury]

Skullcrusher Mountain by abbynormalj (hufflepunky)

Carry On Countdown Day 12: Song/Music-Inspired

I’ve had the beginning of this AU of Jonathan Coulton’s song, Skullcrusher Mountain, written for a while as a part of a series I have in mind called Weird Songfics. I love weird story songs and the idea of putting my favorite characters into those little worlds in plotty songs is just delicious, so that’s what I did.

Summary: 

Dr. Tyranny is out to destroy the world. Sir Simon Snow knows this. The mad doctor has stolen state secrets, destroyed government laboratories, and even taken over a small island in his quest for power and world domination. And Simon Snow is the Golden Hero the Mage has chosen to fight against Dr. Tyranny’s evil schemes.

But when the mad doctor manages to kidnap him, Simon is forced to reconsider everything he’s known to be true about his world, his mentor, his nemesis, and even himself...

Dr. Tyrannus Basilton Grimm-Pitch knows he’s been made out to be a villain. After all, even his henchmen think he’s crazy. But if that’s the price for protecting the world from a dystopian dictatorship, he’ll take the hit.

That is, as long as it doesn’t involve seeing or hearing about Sir Simon Snow, Baz’s childhood crush and the Mage’s Golden Knight. Unfortunately, his carefully constructed emotional walls all come crashing down around him when Dev, Baz’s favorite henchman, kidnaps Snow on a mission and brings him to their secret lair...

on Skullcrusher Mountain.

SIMON

The Mage’s Golden Hero, Sir Simon Snow, awoke in a bright white room. Simon blinked several times as his eyes adjusted to his new surroundings. He looked down to find himself still clad in his sweat-soaked, slightly bloodied, golden armor. His helmet and sword were both gone. Simon’s eyes wandered the strange room, but nothing stood out aside from the brightness of its smooth white walls. The room was bafflingly seamless. Simon wondered how he had even gotten into it. Where would the door be in a place such as this?

The last thing he remembered was fighting a mechanical monster at the Watford National Library. It was probably a nefarious invention of Dr. Tyranny sent to burn down all the books in the kingdom. As that thought crossed his mind, he shook it from his head. Dr. Tyranny wasn’t the type to burn books. He may have been evil, but he loved knowledge. He was probably planning on stealing the books with his strange robotic contraption.

Simon readjusted his sore body and made to stand and get a closer look at the walls of his little box. At his movement, a screen suddenly flickered to life on the wall to his right and a voice said “Hello!”

“Ah!” Simon shouted and fell back to the ground. Simon caught himself, but barely. He hoped no one was watching him. Simon shook his head again at this thought. There were no windows in this room. Although he had thought there were no screens or speakers in this room, either, and he was clearly wrong about that.

Simon directed his attention to the screen for lack of anything else to do. There, he found a close-up shot of Dr. Tyranny himself. The infuriatingly-handsome bastard sneered at Simon from the screen, his characteristic black lab coat impeccably ironed. It wasn’t fair. Villainous mad scientists were supposed to be old and wrinkly with wild grey hair. Dr. Tyranny, with his long, pitch-black hair and sharp jawline, probably had his pick of the femme fatales that he partnered with throughout the years. And he was always perfectly put together, unlike Sir Simon Snow, the Mage’s Mess of a Golden Hero.

Simon grimaced.

The recording on the screen continued, “My name is Tyrannus Basilton Grimm-Pitch and I would like to offer you a warm welcome to my secret lair on Skullcrusher Mountain.” Simon snorted at this. Baz was anything but warm. Simon had known and fought against him since they were both boys at the Watford School of Heros. Baz had always been cold and aloof. The first day they met, Baz refused to shake Simon’s hand, even though they had been magically linked as roommates for their time at school. From there, their relationship only soured.

“You may know me as Dr. Tyranny,” Baz’s voice droned. “Despite this nickname, I assure you I mean you no harm. I only seek to usurp the Mage from his unjust position of absolute power over my beloved home of Watford. Thank you for your consideration and I sincerely hope you enjoy your stay.” Simon’s mouth fell open at some point and he remained gobsmacked. The screen flicked off and the walls, of what he now realized must be a very clean dungeon, returned to unblemished white.

Simon mulled over the absurdity of Dr. Tyranny’s claims as he began to unlatch his armor, expecting to be trapped in this room for a while. Of course, the silliest thing about Baz’s little introduction was his "warm" welcome.

Then he had the audacity to say he meant Simon no harm. How could he claim that when all they’d done was fight for the last thirteen years? Years and years of fistfights and sicing monsters and robots on him and verbal sparring during school, followed by an escalating scale of violent encounters in which Simon was proud to say he’d come out on top in every battle, vanquishing a slew of Baz’s convoluted inventions, and foiling a few of his secret plans, usually with Lady Penelope’s help.

Ever since Baz left Hero School abruptly in their last year, he and Simon gone from bitter rivals to mortal enemies. How, then, could he claim to mean Simon no harm? After everything they had been through, Simon had to scoff at this assertion, even if it was from a prerecorded message.

Finally, Baz had presumed the Mage’s position of power was unjust. The Mage had done more in the name of justice than any leader of Watford before him. Of course Tyrannus Basilton Grimm-Pitch, a product of two of the most powerful old families that used to rule Watford, would accuse the Mage of injustice. The Mage had stripped a lot of power from the former rulers of Watford, but in doing so, he’d been able to enact policies that had better united the kingdom. He’d constantly fought against the elitism of the oligarchical rulers that preceded him. And Simon, himself would have been a poor nobody orphan from a distant town without the Mage.

Simon sighed, trying to will the tension in his shoulders to melt into the stupidly clean floor. As he unlatched the last of his armor, he pushed thoughts of the strange video message from his mind and meditated, instead, on more pleasant matters.

He leaned back onto his breastplate where it now lay, closed his eyes, and imagined himself making a daring escape from wherever this Skullcrusher Mountain place was located. He smiled at the absurdity of such a name. It was exactly as theatrical as he would expect from someone like Baz. Baz had also called it his Secret Lair, which is so dramatically villainous, Simon can hardly believe Baz had the gall to insist he wasn’t ‘Evil Dr. Tyranny, M.S.’ (the ‘M.S. stood for mad scientist, of course) as the world knew him. Simon would laugh about it with Penny when he did make his escape. But thinking about Penny just made him miss her. She was his best friend, his partner in heroism and solving mysteries. He has never known what to do with himself without her there to advise and admonish him in equal measure.

What would Penny say about Baz’s little video message if she were here? Probably, she would scoff with Simon about how dramatic and posh the recording was. And the odd cleanliness of this strange room. She might side with Baz about the Mage, though. Penny may have agreed with many of the Mage’s policies, but she consistently accused him of hoarding power.

(“It’s tempting fate, Simon. One person having that much control over Watford,” Penny said to him once. Simon scoffed at her, but she glared at him and continued. “No Simon. You know I agree with most of his rulings, but that doesn’t take away from the fact that isolating power is always dangerous. People need to be checked. Power has to be balanced or it will corrupt.” At this, Simon questioned Penny about how she thought Watford should be ruled if not by a king or ruling class. “Well,” she began, and her tone told him to expect a lecture, “I know it’s a new and controversial theory, but I would love to see Watford under the rule of the people, directly. It’s a theory called ‘Democracy...’”)

Agatha would side with Simon, though. Or she would have before she left him. She always believed Simon when they were in school and he said Baz was evil. Penny would usually just scoff and say that he was just a kid like the rest of them, which was true, Simon supposed. But then Baz left school and became Dr. Tyranny and Simon’s worries were proven valid.

Suddenly, Simon wished he had been wrong about Baz. He wished they all had a normal childhood, without becoming heroes and war strategists and runaways and mad scientists. Simon wished that the Mage didn’t put the worlds brightest spotlight on him by declaring him his personal ‘Golden Hero.’ Maybe then Agatha wouldn’t have had to run away from the immense pressure of being his betrothed (which he didn’t begrudge her in the slightest. Not anymore.) Maybe then he and Penny could have lived together peacefully, somewhere far away, like she talked about. Maybe he and Baz could have even been friends. Someone as sharp as Baz would be a great friend to have in any reality.

Simon’s stomach picked right then to growl loudly. The sound echoed around the room slightly, and Simon groaned. He was terribly hungry. Hopefully, Baz would take pity on him and feed him while he was held prisoner. The alternative would be the worst kind of torture Simon could imagine. Even thinking of something so evil agitated Simon, so he stood and began pacing the room.

It was only minutes later that a door appeared suddenly in the opposite wall of the screen, opening to reveal Simon’s savior. His savior from the horrible torture of hunger, at least.

BAZ

“You brought WHOM?” Baz shouted at Dev, who had just returned from his latest reconnaissance mission in the capital.

“Simon Snow,” he responded, his scarred face not showing a hint of remorse. Dev knew Baz dangerously well, which was unsurprising considering the two were cousins and had been working together for the last five years.

Baz forced himself to breathe deeply in an attempt to control his quickly-beating heart.

“So let me get this straight,” Baz began (although nothing about this situation was straight). “You captured Sir Simon Snow: the Mage’s Golden Knight, my mortal enemy, the same Sir Snow that I have banned as a laboratory discussion topic.” Baz took a deep breath, hoping Dev hadn’t noticed that his voice broke when he said Snow’s name, then he continued, “then you decided, in a fit of apparent delusion, to bring him here? To my Secret Lair on Skullcrusher Mountain?”

Dev’s expression didn’t change one iota. “Yeah. Your ex-roommate from school, Simon Snow, the Mage’s Chosen Golden Hero.” He shrugged. He shrugged. Baz couldn’t believe Dev, his right hand man, his favorite henchman, his assistant, would defy him so.

“I-” Baz started, shaking his head, “I don’t know what else to say.”

“Well, he’s here,” Dev answered, “in the holding room. He’s just seen the introductory recording.”

Baz sighed. He supposed he would have to work with the situation that had been handed to him, whether he liked it or not. “I guess I’ll have to go see him, then.” Baz closed his eyes, trying to repress the way his heart jumped at the simple idea of seeing Simon again.

Baz walked through several hallways and at least one hairpin turn before reaching the control room for Skullcrusher Mountain’s security. Sure enough, there was Simon on the monitoring screen for the holding room, lounging back against his dirty armor, which was spread across the floor of the room haphazardly. Baz sat down quickly in the chair of the control room before he fell to the floor in a full swoon.

Baz had almost forgotten how strong his feelings for Sir Snow were. All it took to remind him was Simon sitting in Baz’s holding room in only a tunic and leggings, sweat sticking his bronze curls to his forehead. As he watched the screen, Simon sighed and fidgeted, his eyebrows pulling together for a moment while he lifted his arms to pillow behind his head. Baz looked away quickly before he was too overwhelmed. There was only a certain amount of Simon’s shoulders and biceps (and curls and cluelessness and bravery) Baz could handle at once after months without contact.

Baz Pitch had been in love with Simon Snow since they were fifteen. Of course he knew, even back then, that they could never be together. Baz could never align himself with the Mage and Simon would never leave the Mage.

They were a mismatched pair in so many ways, but that didn’t stop Baz from pining for years. For one thing, Baz was quite probably the smartest person in the kingdom. He was certainly the best in his classes when he was still at Watford School of Heros. And Baz was the youngest Doctor in all of Watford. That, he was immensely proud of. Sir Snow may have been a ridiculously brave and brash hero, but he was too much of an idiot to see that the Mage was using him. Or that Baz was in love with him. And once, after a battle with a dragon that they eventually managed to banish, Simon told Baz his strategy for dealing with his difficult problems was just to not think about them. Sometimes Baz railed against his illogical feelings for someone so dense, but he never resisted for long.

Then, when he was supposed to begin his eighth and final year at Watford, Baz began hearing from the ghost of his dead mother. She was smart, too. A genius, really. Probably smarter than Baz. She figured out a way to encode a sliver of her conscience into his DNA. At first, when he started hearing her, he just thought he was crazy. (Maybe he was crazy. He still wondered sometimes if he was making this whole thing up.) Then her voice explained. When she died, she used her final and most advanced invention. She embedded a piece of herself in him. In her son. Her flesh and blood. When she felt he was old enough to cope, she revealed herself and he began his quest for revenge and for the truth.

Baz had been pursuing his mother’s dying wish for the last five years since leaving hero school, and he didn’t regret a moment of it. However, following a voice in his head for five years did make the people around Baz question his sanity. Even Dev and Niall, Baz’s favorite henchmen, who fully believed in his cause, doubted his original motivations. After all, transferring any portion of human consciousness to another person was unprecedented. Niall even thought Baz should see a psychiatrist, which was absurd.

Baz looked back to Simon, still lounging on screen, and thought about their various fights across the years. Simon certainly thought Baz was evil. If Simon knew about the voice in Baz’s head, Baz wondered, would he think Baz was crazy, too? That would be the fly-infested icing on the shit cake of Baz’s love life, which had thus far only consisted of pining and wanking.

In a move sure to increase his misery, Baz replayed the recordings from when Sir Snow arrived to Skullcrusher Mountain. The first few minutes consisted of Dev dumping him in the holding room and then Sir Snow lying unconscious on the floor (Baz appreciated the peaceful look on Simon’s face). Eventually, he started to stir in his sleep. He groaned as he awoke (Baz felt his heart rate increase, traitorous thing). Snow stared blearily around the room from his place on the ground. Finally, he began to stand up, which triggered the motion sensors in the room, and in turn, the introductory recording Baz had standardized for when he took prisoners, which was generally his last resort.

As the recording began, Simon startled and fell to the ground with an adorable shout before looking around the room and blushing under his freckled cheeks. (It was moments like these that destroyed any resentment Baz imagined himself to have against Sir Simon Snow. The man was simply so good and so well-intentioned that Baz couldn’t help falling for him over and over again.) Simon frowned when he saw Baz speaking on the screen. The camera that recorded the room was just above the screen, so it seemed to Baz as if Simon was frowning directly at him through the screen. He huffed and puffed through Baz’s welcome message and rolled his eyes after it was finished.

If only Simon weren’t so afraid of Baz, so entrenched in the hate the Mage (and Baz himself) had encouraged over the years, maybe Simon could be swayed to Baz’s side in their mortal conflict. It was probably wishful thinking on Baz’s part. And definitely not good for his already tenuous mental health.

Baz rested his chin on his palm, eyes fixed on the screen as Simon decided to settle into the room and began removing his armor one piece at a time. When Baz checked his chin for drool and his hand came away wet, he was mortified enough to stop the recording and switch back to the live feed, in which Simon was now pacing the room, his hand dragging along the wall.

At some point, Baz would have to deal with the fact that Sir Simon Snow was his prisoner. He would rather live in a world where he didn’t have to confront Sir Snow, but Dev had forced his hand. Baz’s finger hovered over the two intercom buttons at the communication center, unsure of how to proceed. When he glanced back to the screen, Simon was stopped, inspecting the wall that housed the screen. He was strangely distorted so near the edge of the fish-eye lens of the room’s camera. Suddenly, he looked straight up at the camera. Baz’s heart jumped and he pressed the intercom button.

“Dev. Would you escort Sir Snow to our best secure guest chamber? I have other business to attend to.”

Baz did not have other business, but the momentary illusion of looking into Simon’s plain blue eyes (a little pouchy, the only plain thing about him) reinforced the fact that he was very much not ready to confront Simon.

“Sure, Baz,” Dev droned back over the intercom system. With that, Baz hurried away along the labyrinthine hallways of his secret lair on Skullcrusher Mountain.

SIMON

Simon jumped violently when the door to his strange dungeon revealed itself. He had been inspecting the wall that had been a screen only minutes before, but had yet to find a single divot or imperfection in its surface. Predictably, the door was at the complete opposite end of the room from where he was looking. He reacted quickly (he was a knight, after all) and reached for his sword. When he realized it wasn’t by his side, he turned and picked up one of his greaves from the pile of armor on the floor. His armor had served him as makeshift weapons in sticky situations several times before.

The corridor beyond the open door was dark in contrast to the white room in which he’d spent the past several hours, so all he could see in the doorway was a looming figure.

“Who goes there?” Simon asked, squinting through the door.

The hulking figure stepped into the light and Simon realized quickly that he recognized him. It was Dev Grimm, commonly called ‘Scarface,’ and a known associate of Dr. Tyranny. Of course, Simon also recognized him as Dev, Baz’s cousin from school. The scar was a relatively new part of the equation, but it didn’t scare Simon, who had always been friendlier with Dev than with Baz.

“Oh. Hi Dev. Didn’t know you’d be here.” Simon dropped his greave back on the floor and it clanged loudly. Dev cringed.

“Yup. I’m here.” Dev said, nodding. “Dr. Pitch wanted me to take you to your guest chambers.”

“Guest chambers? Wait. Dr. Pitch? Aren’t you, like, his cousin?”

“Yes. Even more reason for me to respect his achievements, don’t you think?”

“His- I’m... Wait, is Baz an actual doctor?”

“Yes. He’s just finished his second PhD.”

“Oh. I... I thought Dr. Tyranny was just a name. Huh. That makes sense, I guess.” Dev’s already-scarred face twisted further as Simon spoke, but he didn’t respond this time. Instead, he tilted his head towards the door, gesturing for Simon to follow. He wondered briefly why Dev wasn't restraining him. He was a prisoner, right? “Uh. What about my armor?”

“We’ll have it brought to your guest rooms after it is cleaned.”

At this, Simon shrugged and followed Dev through a maze of winding white hallways that eventually became smooth stone walls. He wondered idly why he was even here. He wasn’t sure what The Evil Doctor Tyranny, M.S., or The Evil Doctor Tyranny, M.S., PhD, he supposed, would gain from keeping him prisoner. Simon was under the impression Dr. Tyranny wanted to kill Sir Snow. Their eventual epic battle was practically prophesied. Simon was privately not very hopeful of his own chances. Baz was wicked smart as well as strong. He was never great at swordplay, but it seemed unlikely to Simon that their battle would resort to such measures. (The current prisoner situation also deserved consideration in their fated duel-to-the-death.)

Finally, they reached a dark-stained wooden door, deep in the complex, or lair, as Baz had called it in the video (typical). Dev opened the door and turned to Simon.

“This is where Dr. Pitch will be hosting you during your stay on Skullcrusher Mountain.”

Simon nodded at Dev and paused. “Yup. Well, thanks Dev.” He started toward the open doorway, but paused before he was all the way through. “Uh. Sorry. Actually...” Simon trailed off, trying to figure out how to properly word his question. “Can I ask you why Baz wants me here? Why did he take me prisoner instead of killing me?”

Dev had backed partially into shadows again, but Simon swore he saw him smile. “I think,” Dev said, “you will have to ask him yourself.” Simon quirked his brow at that answer, but stepped fully into the richly decorated room that was to be his new prison, wondering what nefarious tortures and interrogations might be in store for him. For now, though, he fixated on the beautiful tableau of food set on the table near one rocky wall of the room. Simon couldn’t resist a feast, especially when he hadn’t eaten since breakfast. He pushed aside any niggling thoughts that the food might be poisoned and dug into the bread, roast beef, and fresh fruit spread before him on fine china.

Once Simon had devoured the possibly-poisoned food, he was overcome with exhaustion, despite being unconscious for an undetermined amount of time earlier in the day. He turned toward the bed, which was decorated with a disturbing number of skulls and gargoyles, intent on a nap. Simon inspected the bed from a few feet away before turning to the couch instead. Some things were a little too creepy to sleep on.

BAZ

Baz was loitering in the lab, watching a test for a new batch of automated decoding software he was planning to use against some of the Mage’s private records, when Dev returned from escorting Sir Snow to his new chambers. That particular test didn’t actually need to be monitored. The test was run by Baz’s main bank of computers, whose AI was more than capable of reporting and fixing any errors that might occur. Dev was aware of this, so Baz decided not to snap at his cousin for the judgemental look he sent Baz.

“I’ve fed him and locked him in the first secure chamber.”

Baz cleared his throat and nodded. Dev was a good man. “Good, good. How was it?”

“He came along with me easily. No struggle. Even without restraints, as requested.”

Baz nodded again, still avoiding looking directly at his cousin.

“You should go talk to him. He asked why you kidnapped him.”

“You kidnapped him, Dev.”

“Yes. And now you have a chance to talk to him again. Stop with your determined misery.” Baz met his cousin’s eyes and frowned. Dev really did know him too well. Or maybe he had an accomplice. It was a rather complex plan for Dev to execute on his own. Not that Dev wasn’t an adept minion. Creativity just wasn’t his strong suit. Baz narrowed his eyes in a glare.

“Someone helped you with this, didn’t they?”

Dev simply nodded. “It was Niall’s idea, but Fiona has been in on it, as well.”

Baz sighed. “Figures.”

It took Baz another hour or so to work up the courage to go down to the secure chamber to talk with Sir Snow. It was, unfortunately, shaping up to be an unavoidable task, though. Three of Baz’s most trusted henchmen (henchpeople?) conspiring against him was a real blow.

Baz arrived at Simon’s door (he was already calling it ‘Simon’s door’ in his head? This spelled disaster) laden with tea, biscuits, and a set of spare toiletries for the en suite. He knocked twice and waited a moment before scanning his palm to unlock and open the door. The knocking was technically unnecessary as Simon had no way of opening the door from the inside. Baz simply hoped that some manners might soften their relationship now that--. He sighed. What a silly thing to hope for. They had far too long a history of animosity for anything to improve between them.

The door opened and there stood Simon, his hand reaching out toward the door as if he could have done anything to open it. His hair was on end and his clothes dirty and rumpled. Baz wondered if he had been sleeping. They stared at one another for a moment, stunned into silence.

“I--,” Simon started, “I was expecting Dev.”

“Ah. Yes.” Baz responded. “I’m glad you met him. My assistant. Scarface.”

Simon made a face. He couldn’t raise one eyebrow, though, so he raised both and just ended up looking surprised. It was entirely adorable. “You know I’ve met him before, Baz. We went to school together for years.”

Baz cleared his throat. “Yes. Well, it has been a while. I know Dev’s appearance has... changed.” Simon shrugged, bless him. “He’s generally as harmless as when you knew him; the rumors are untrue, as usual. He’s always been a bit of a romantic, really.” Baz coughed, surprised at his own admissions.

Simon still wore his baffled expression. “Yeah. He seemed the same. Called you Dr. Pitch, even.”

Baz could feel the corners of his lips twitch at this, but he held back his full smile. Dev was a good man, despite his meddling. “Ah. He does do that. He says it’s a reclamation of the good parts of ‘Dr. Tyranny.’ Here, take this.” Baz paused to hand over the tray of food. “I brought tea for you. I know you don’t function without constant caloric intake. And these are fresh toiletries for the en suite.”

SIMON

“Yeah,” Simon muttered, taking the tray and placing it on a table just inside the room before returning to the door where Baz waited, holding an expensive looking zipper bag. Why was Baz doing this? This was the nicest conversation they’d ever had. But Simon was apparently his prisoner? He should ask about it now, right? Baz was right here. He should ask why he was taken prisoner. Why hadn’t Baz killed him when he’d had the chance? So many questions were swirling through Simon’s head, he felt as if the correct one was sure to pop out of his mouth at some point.

Then he was at the door again, staring Baz down. (Well, staring up at Baz, technically.) He looked older than the last time Simon had seen him. He still looked good, of course. Great, even. But Simon didn’t miss the bags under Baz’s eyes. Or the anxious slope of his shoulders.

“Ummm,” Simon said, unable to find any of the words he was supposed to say. He leaned against the door frame and lifted up his arm to run his fingers through his hair. His hands were itching to do something, but he couldn’t figure out what. He clenched them repeatedly so they would stop.

Baz handed him the zipper bag before flicking his gaze to the ground. He opened his mouth and closed it, also at a loss for words. Simon had never seen Baz like this. Frankly, it concerned him.

“Dev doesn’t deserve the reputation he’s gotten by associating with me. I hope you can see that.” Simon simply hummed in response, a bit surprised at Baz’s choice of subject. “He’s a good man and is good at his job. And,” a smile cracked Baz’s facade, “he has a way of finding pretty things and bringing them to me.”

Suddenly, Baz looked up, into his eyes, and Simon was hit with the full force of his grin and his words at once. Simon stumbled back from the doorway, only one question running through his head now: Baz thinks I’m pretty?

As soon as Baz took in Simon’s reaction, he dropped his smile, glaring instead, and grabbed the door handle to lock Simon back into his opulent prison. The last thing Simon heard from him before he shut and locked the secure door was a terse, “goodnight, Sir Snow,” and then the room was silent.

BAZ

Baz walked down the hallway toward his lab in a daze. He couldn’t believe he’d just said that to Simon. To Sir Simon Snow The Mage’s Golden Knight, and also his prisoner. (Baz wondered what on Earth he was thinking keeping a prisoner such as Simon. The two of them were fated to kill one another. Why not take the chance now that Sir Snow was disarmed? He really should. He never could.) His hands were trembling at his sides and his feet were taking him, by muscle memory, to his own chambers.

Suddenly, Baz’s mind cleared enough to recognise there was a voice in his head. He had a difficult time untangling it from his own thoughts. The longer his mother’s voice had lived in his head, the more he’d gotten used to it there. And the more he had gotten used to it, the harder it was to separate from his own stream of consciousness. Now, though, he heard her message loud and clear:

You shouldn’t kill him yet, you shouldn’t kill him yet, you shouldn’t kill him yet.

[dimensionslip]

Tales of the Stage - Those Who Inherit The Power of Lorelei - EMOTIONAL ACT (August 23, 2018)

What a long day it was!

In a nutshell, today's stage play was a lot more serious as promised (in contrast to how crazy the Yokohama stage　play was). It definitely felt more like Asch's story this time around, and anyone who adores him is very much in for a treat. There were also a lot more scenes with the Six God-Generals and Noir, with the Abyss party members taking more of a backseat this time around. I think this might be the closest we'll ever get to an Asch side for Tales of the Abyss. Aschtalia shippers will also love it a lot.

After the stage play, there was a talk show with Chihiro Suzuki (Luke's voice actor), Kazuki Yao (Dist's voice actor), Yuya Arai (Asch's stage actor), Orito Kasahara (Dist's stage actor), and Shunichi Takahashi (Jade's stage actor). Which, you can probably guess, is the reason why I picked this day to go, besides my already planned Saturday and Sunday viewings.

Anyway, without further ado, here's my personal experience for today, as well as a plot and talk show summary I've drawn up to the best of my abilities and memory!

Before the Stage Play

After hearing that Jade sold out pretty quickly yesterday, I took no chances for the merch line and arrived two hours early before they started selling stuff. It was a long wait under the sun as they had us line up outside the venue before letting us in 30 minutes before 4pm (the start of sales).

As I was the second in line, I managed to get everything I wanted! I lined up again a little later because I was curious about the items that sold out. The Dist bromide (Yokohama Arena version) and acrylic was the first to run out in about 20 minutes. Legretta's bromide (Yokohama Arena version) also sold out at around the same time. Not too long after, Jade's acrylic keychain also sold out. I'm so glad I came in early to get them, but man, they didn't really seem to stock too much of everything except Boy Asch, Luke, and Asch.

The wait for the theater opening itself (6pm) was made bearable by the fact that I managed to make a friend (aka the person who was as early as I was in lining up). Both of us are Jade and Dist fans (with matching Jade dolls too and what not), and it seems we both took the bait regarding the varied talk shows per day (today was Jade and Dist's turn).

Once the theater gates opened, we got the postcard (today was Jade and Dist) that changes for each showing. There were also a good bit of flowers. Jade, Dist, Tear, and Asch have the most.

Stage Play Summary

Note: Apparently some of these scenes were different from Day 1's show. As I have not gone to the said show, I do not know which is different or the same, so I'll be updating this on Saturday again to report on which scenes were unique to Day 2.

Before the stage play, Noir and her lackey Dino (if I'm getting the name right) fooled around a bit onstage. Noir's bromide sold out and Dino was talking excitedly about it. He also opened a blind box can badge in front of Noir, hoping he'd get Noir. He got Ion instead, which Noir pinned to her uhh... chest wrap, or whatever it is you call her clothes. Dino started taking a lot of pictures of her and kind of got skeevy a little later and got bonked by Noir as a result.

Kazuki Yao (as Dist) narrated the story introduction, complete with Dist's trademark laugh. He made it a point to emphasize that Jade was his rival.

The story opens with boy Asch escaping, and Dist running after him. Dist got a clunked on the head for his trouble, Van reassured him that it's not a problem that Asch escaped. Asch got stopped at the gates and was laughed at, and everything more or less proceeds as the Abyss plot did.

The boy Asch actor didn't join in the Karma dance, but he did appear in several of Asch's dream/nightmare sequences/flashbacks. It was sprinkled throughout the play and was a nice touch, and definitely added to the overall Asch-feel of the stage play.

As with the Yokohama stageplay, the Karma dance was montage-y at some parts for the God-Generals. Also since I pay extra attention to Jade, he somersaults into the stage, sights Dist, then walks away when the latter tries to chase him.

They had some pre-game scenes here that were never in the game or anime, aka an opportunity to showcase how stuff in Daath went. Like, Anise being busy with Ion. Dist presenting Tokunaga to her was also included here, as well as a bit of showcasing of how their awkward friendship works. I love it so much. There was also Arietta having some trouble with paperwork and trying to get Sync to help her. Legretta eventually ends up aiding her instead, and she kinda felt motherly here. Van also had a fatherly moment when the God-Generals met up with him and Arietta presented her paperwork to him proudly, but it did come off as a little creepy given what we know of Van.

But yeah, during that meeting, Van also poked fun at Asch's dislike of octopus as a joke. Basically it all felt like they were the dysfunctional family that the anime or game semi-implied but did not quite emphasize.

Luke and Tear end up in what I suspect to be Cheagle Woods, but the area wasn't named. The main party also had their entrances at around this point (including Guy and Natalia, who aren't slated to join until way later, game-wise). Guy's introduction ("Enter the amazing Guy") kept on getting interrupted by Natalia, which was hilarious.

Later on, we get to see a similar scene as the Yokohama Arena showing, where Asch visits Nam Cobanda Isle to make a deal with Noir. Noir's backstory also comes out here. A random kid gives Asch his most treasured possession, which is a doll.

I think this was around this time that Asch had another one of his dreams about the past again. As I've mentioned earlier, this is a recurring thing throughout the stage play. They also got the Natalia actor (I think) to dress up as child Natalia for these flashbacks.

There was a huge skip to what I assume to be Deo Pass (prior to Akzeriuth), where the party battles it out with the Six God-Generals. Natalia sees Asch's face and they end up having a long moment staring at each other, and she seems to realize something, but does not have much time to dwell on it. Guy and Sync get some curse slot action going here as well.

Akzeriuth more or less proceeds as it does, including the Abyss classic "ore wa warukunee". However, at Ortion Cavern, there was an added scene where Jade talks about his past with Dist, and there's an enacted flashback for it. For this adaptation, younger Jade and Dist (in lab coats) were in Hod when it was collapsing, and that's how Jade came to know about Van's real name. Note that in the game, Jade had never actually stepped a foot inside Hod. Even if this wasn't canon compliant, it was still interesting to see because, yay, more Jade and Dist scenes. Action scenes, that is. Though Dist (Saphir then), wasn't really any good with them battles and just kept on trying to dodge things.

It was around this time (or a little earlier), that Mohs was talking to Largo about something interesting that he heard (aka the circumstances of Natalia's birth), and was heavily hinting that he knew something about Largo too. Largo just brushes it off.

Speaking of Largo, earlier he also had a moment with Asch, something like acknowledging that they have the same feelings regarding a certain issue. I think it was Natalia-related, but my memory is a little fuzzy at this point in time.

There was a part where Asch was more apparently in pain, and Dist, like in the Yokohama Arena showing, ends up mocking-slash-word-vomiting at Asch regarding his state (the Big Bang). While Dist was going on his spiel, Noir and Dino were nearby, poorly hiding as they overheard everything. Once Asch chases off Dist, Noir voices some concern over his well-being, but also ends up reporting that Natalia is in trouble (Mohs was going up with his reveal regarding Meryl and Natalia being a "fake" princess). Asch ignores his extreme pain and runs off.

As with the Yokohama Arena show, we got to do the Natalia chant with the penlights along with Noir and the Dark Wings.

Asch and Van also have their battle here, which Asch has the upper hand in until he gets a seizure, which Van takes advantage of by stabbing his arm and literally twisting a knife (err, sword) into it. Same as the Yokohama Arena show, and just as "oww" to watch.

Absorption Gate was also another opportunity to showcase some of the party's talents. I was only expecting somersaults and stunts from Jade (who delivered!), but Tear also had her own cartwheels and it was pretty impressive. Van still had his dance numbers but they were very much shortened. Also Jade featured quite prominently in the Absorption Gate battles, I feel. And there even was a part where he seemed to be dancing it off with Van.

Sync was in the Absorption Gate battle and once his mask broke and he got on this diatribe, he committed suicide with a sword. Later on, he gets revived along with Van.

Luke and Asch receive their parts of the Key of Lorelei. Asch has a scene with Noir at around this time too, where he asks Noir to return the doll he received from the child earlier on in the stage play. But something happened to the doll's face, I think? Dino said something but I wasn't able to catch all of it.

Then there's a huge skip to Eldrant, where the party have their final showdown with the Six God-Generals. Natalia and Asch have a moment too over here. So we have the following:

 Anise vs Arietta: Poor Arietta, she had that scene where she hallucinates her mother and Ion before she dies.

Jade vs Dist: Jade makes quick work of Dist's robots after going "Sayonara, Saphir". Which did not feel as heartfelt as the game or anime, but I'm glad they included that. The battle ends when Jade steals Dist's flowery wheels and Dist chases after him.

Tear vs Legretta: Legretta has more or less the same death scene lines, with Tear being equally devastated.

Natalia vs Largo: Quite similar to the game as well, with Largo being proud of his daughter before dying, and Natalia calling him father

Guy (and later on Anise) vs Sync: Similar to the anime, and Sync has a moment where he impersonates Ion in the heat of battle, which throws off Anise

Luke vs Asch: Similar to how it goes in the game, with a few twists. Luke sees Asch getting turned into a pincushion and was definitely very hesitant to leave him like that.

All of the God-Generals except Dist dies. There is a scene after Asch dies where the Natalia in his dream finally finds him (prior to that, it was always him just chasing after Dream!Natalia), and gets the flower crown, plus a realization of the place he belongs in. We also get to see (briefly) the God-Generals that have died in the said sequence. A good number of people were in tears at this point.

In the final battle against Van, Asch from the beyond gives Luke a pep talk. After which, Luke uses Lost Fon Drive to defeat Van. And I guess it's time for a small random note--everyone in the party (plus Asch) got to use their Mystic Artes throughout the stage play, except for Jade. But that aside, the post-Eldrant scene was cut a little short, with only Tear saying her piece about wanting Luke to come back. But Luke and Jade do share a nod before it cuts to Luke fulfilling his promise to Lorelei.

They tried to recreate the whole Luke-falling-to-the-core scene as faithfully as they can. I think that they could not have the Luke stage actor carry Asch the whole time, so they substituted for a projection. Still was nice.

"The Look of that Day" starts playing, and we get the epilogue scene, which proceeds more or less as it did in the game and the previous stage plays (with the Luke stage actor in the Mr. Ending costume), BUT. Besides using a more Lorelei-ish voice for him (it's the Mr. Ending voice, overlapped with some other voice), we get a silhouette of Asch too (in a similar costume, iirc) after Mr. Ending exits the stage.

When I looked around and the lights went on, it seemed that more people were in tears by the time the after talk show was to start.

After Talk Show Summary

Kazuki Yao was dressed up in a flowery print Hawaiian shirt and shorts combo, with a t-shirt that had a glittery skull on it. It was a highly unexpected turn of events and earned many laughs.

Chi-chan made sure to emphasize we're getting Double Dist today. And kept calling Jade's corkscrew a dragon screw.

Some of the questions and answers I can remember (paraphrased):

(1) What thing did you have to be careful about when portraying your character? Yao: Apparently he thought Dist was an "okama" (roughly "drag queen"), but in the middle of recording, he was told that Dist is not an okama and it was difficult to adjust. Kasahara: He did a lot of research, and tried his best to imitate Yao's voice for Dist. (he's playing through Abyss and I think got Shiro no Ashita and Tsuioku no Jade manga) Takahashi: Jade's spectacularly long hair. (which I imagine got in the way in a lot of stunts... he needed to keep flipping it away lol)

I can't remember what Arai said for Asch, unfortunately.

(2) Since we have Double Dist today, name something good about Dist. Suzuki: Very forward-looking and positive. Arai: He has a beautiful color. (said after facing Dist and looking at him for a long time) Takahashi: Let me just describe what happened when it was the Jade stage actor's turn. > Dist and Jade face each other and are sitting way close. > Jade: (after a long stare) Nothing. > Dist: (looking affronted) Ehh??! There must be something!!

If I recall correctly, Jade reaffirms the no, but definitely, shortly after this, Dist starts playfully grabbing Jade's knees and goes all "JEIDOOOO". Kasahara-san and Takahashi-san were so cute together...

Anyway, the winners for the picture-taking lottery were announced at the end of the talk show. Didn't win, but I did have a lot of nice memories to take home, which I feel was very much precious in itself.

Personal Thoughts

As with the previous stage plays, I feel it's best to watch this while being well aware of TOA's story. They skip around a lot and omit a lot of things, and I feel it's easier to appreciate the additions with that said background in hand.

I really loved the stage play as an Asch side type of deal. It's a refreshing way of looking at the story, and as I've mentioned, they really made good in making this feel like it's Asch's story. The party members taking the sidelines (including Luke) was a consequence of this, but it all felt natural. I liked seeing more of the Six God-Generals too.

Accounting for my Jade bias, I'm satisfied with regard to his level of presence in an Asch-centric story. I think he had even more stunts here than the last one he was in, but that could be my wishful imagination at work. I also feel his character was a lot more interesting with Dist around, rather than a standalone.

Asch was definitely the star of the show, but I still love Kasahara's Dist. He's such a great Dist and I'm glad they got him on board. His research certainly looks like it paid off--he looks the part and acts the part. I think a lot of people are charmed by his performance too, which also may factor in to Dist running out today (besides today being Jade and Dist talk show day), and during the last TalesFes. I also noticed that people in the trade search on Twitter have been searching for his karaoke trading card too (Jade, of course, is still the crowning king of rare).

I still feel that Reo Kawamura's Guy is a bit lacking, but he had a lot more to do this stage play, so it wasn't as bad as the previous stage play in Yokohama Arena. As far as successors to Kou Hosokawa's Guy was, I think he's fine--it's just that Hosokawa's performance feels difficult to top, in my opinion.

I cannot tell which among the stage play scenes were different or added for the day, so I guess I'll discover on Saturday what may have changed. I definitely look forward to that and the talk show, in any case. Will post again on Saturday and Sunday with the said differences, but until then, I hope you enjoyed this report! If you have any questions that I have not addressed, please feel free to drop by my ask box!

[islooblog]

Experts warn COVID-19 could trigger deepest global recession in generations

ReutersPARIS: The coronavirus pandemic is battering the world´s major economies and could trigger the deepest global recession in generations, experts warned Wednesday, as rising death tolls in Europe and the US dampened hopes for a quick turnaround.While the Chinese city where the virus was born has been released from its nearly 11-week lockdown, much of the West remains in the throes of a crisis that has killed more than 80,000 people worldwide.The hardest-hit countries, among them Italy, Spain, France and the US, are wrestling with how to balance public safety with the devastating impact of lockdowns that have shuttered whole sectors of the economy and erased millions of jobs in a matter of weeks.The economic forecasts are dire.The fallout "may well be the deepest economic recession or downturn of our lifetimes", warned the chief the World Trade Organization, Roberto Azevedo.Global trade growth could fall by up to a third this year, the WTO said.France has already recorded its worst economic performance since 1945 during the first quarter, shrinking some six percent.Germany's economy, the biggest in Europe, is also expected to fall into a "serious recession" and contract by nearly 10 percent in the second quarter, leading researchers warned.Yet health experts stressed it is too early to loosen restrictions.They say premature moves could accelerate the spread of a disease that has already infiltrated every layer of society, from refugees to royals to Britain's Prime Minister Boris Johnson, who was reported to be "stable" during his third day in intensive care."Now is not the time to relax measures. It is the time to once again double and triple our collective efforts to drive towards suppression with the whole support of society," said the World Health Organization's Europe director Hans Kluge.

'Stuck for 77 days'

In the ground-zero Chinese city of Wuhan, which led the world with its unprecedented lockdown in January, strict measures appear to have paid off.After a months-long travel ban was finally lifted, tens of thousands of people fled the city in joyous scenes that contrasted with the macabre mood around much of the world -- even if some passengers were travelling in hazmat suits."I've been stuck for 77 days! I've been stuck for 77 days!" shouted one man heading back to his home province of Hunan by train.Yet not all is back to normal, with schools still closed and travel discouraged.At the railway station a robot whirred through crowds to spray their feet with a disinfectant.Passengers also had to pass temperatures checks and show green "health codes" on their phone, which are calculated in part by whether their neighbourhoods have been declared virus-free."Wuhan has lost a lot in this epidemic, and Wuhan people have paid a big price," a 21-year-old man surnamed Yao told AFP."Now that the lockdown has been lifted, I think we're all pretty happy."

Stages of grief

Medical staff around the world are bearing a heavy physical and emotional toll as they work in packed intensive care units and makeshift hospitals erected in sports stadiums, on ships and even in a New York cathedral.In Spain, home to the world's second deadliest outbreak, another 757 deaths were reported Wednesday, bringing the toll up for a second day after several days of decline.Antonio Alvarez, a 33-year-old nurse at a Barcelona hospital, described his experience of the crisis as akin to bereavement."I've had my phases of anger, of denial, you go through all of them.""Now we are still a little overwhelmed but it is better. Fewer patients are dying," he told AFP.Hundreds are still passing away daily in worst-affected Italy although the peak of the crisis appears to have passed, with the rise of infections falling to a new low.Britain, meanwhile, was tense after a record 786 deaths Tuesday, while the prime minister's hospitalisation underscored the seriousness of the disease for many in a country that was slow to react.The 55-year-old British leader was "clinically stable" and "responding to the treatment", his spokesman said, adding he was in "good spirits".The US also faced a punishing 24 hours, with another 1,939 deaths recorded according to a tally by Johns Hopkins University, bringing the nation's death toll to nearly 13,000.President Donald Trump took aim at the WHO, accusing it of a pro-Beijing bias as he threatened to cut funding.The US president has criticised China's handling of the pandemic and questioned the accuracy of official statistics that show its deaths have slowed to a trickle.Yet Trump himself has also come under fire for initially downplaying the virus by likening it to the flu and failing to adequately prepare the country -- which now has the most infections on the planet.Bailout efforts A staggering 81 percent of the world's 3.3 billion-strong workforce has been affected by "the worst global crisis since the Second World War", according to the UN's International Labour Organization.Governments around the globe are rolling out unprecedented stimulus measures, including a $1-trillion package in Japan.In Washington, Democrats demanded an additional $500 billion to battle the coronavirus crisis, a request that could complicate efforts to push through a new aid package for small businesses.The eurozone is also mired in bickering over a bailout plan for its hard-hit members that would come on top of measures enacted by individual governments.Finance ministers were unable to bridge divides after 16 hours of talks that will now resume Thursday.The markets continued their volatile movement, with Wall Street stocks rising at the start of trade on Wednesday.The economic disruption is biting hardest among the world's poor."Since this crisis started we've been sitting at home and there's no money coming in," said Mohamed Said, a 36-year-old carpenter and father-of-three queueing for food packages in Cairo."We don't know how to feed our kids... and if, God forbid, something happens to any of them, I won't be able to foot a hospital bill." Source link Read the full article

[awildtrashcan]

So here’s what I have so far for chapter 1 of the AU. I actually wrote this back in February so there’s probably some stuff in here that I might need to change later on(and possibly some errors regarding the locations of some buildings in Meridian City), but here’s what you get for now.

Space. The endless void that holds everything in the universe. So vast that if you and your best friend were separated you would probably never find each other. Staring at the emptiness interrupted by the occasional star or planet usually made the more emotionally sensitive reflect on their feelings in the isolation.

Such as now.

The (Half-built)Nefarious Space Station lay dormant within a sector out of the range of any radar from neighboring planets. The only activity within the station was the bustle of a lone robot, following a schedule of cleaning and construction. He looked through the windows surrounding the walls of the room as he finished folding another pair of socks, picking up the basket of laundry. After walking down one of the many empty hallways for a few minutes, he began humming to himself, attempting to fill the unnerving silence with white noise.

In all honesty, Lawrence had found this to be a welcome change over having his audio receptors constantly assaulted by his employer’s voice, but after a week, he actually started to miss the orders barked loudly enough to be heard from the other end of the station.

Two weeks later, and he felt like something was wrong.

Three weeks later, and he knew that something was wrong.

Four weeks, and he found himself staring straight into the crack separating the two doors leading to Nefarious’s office and living quarters. Lawrence chuckled to himself, amused by the fact that he was actually considering asking what was troubling the doctor. Previous attempts had rarely gone any farther than Nefarious denying everything that was going on, that “No, Lawrence, I don’t need counseling.” Looking back, the doctor was actually right in that regard, as the anger management sessions, yoga, and spirit walks only resulted in the Great Clock debacle, and that certainly turned out splendid.

He was kicked out of that train of thought after hearing a dull klunk followed by a noise that could only be described as utter despair. Yes, something was definitely wrong. Lawrence scolded himself for letting this go on for so long. Nefarious tested the boundaries of his patience half the time he spoke, but he wasn’t going to let the doctor waste away on his watch.

Letting out a sigh of resignation, he steeled himself for whatever lay beyond the door as he rapped the metal surface three times.

In space, no one could hear you scream. Especially if you were screaming into a pillow.

He wasn’t even sure why he was screaming. It definitely wasn’t because he was thinking about the space rat, his toaster-for-a-best-friend, and that annoying, infuriating, green-clad buffoon. Because he hated them.

Yes, hated them enough that he would think about how he stole their ship and abandoned them right after somehow traveling hundreds of miles with them without shoving anyone off a nearby cliff and even—the thought made him cringe at the irony—saving the universe.

Of course he would never admit to simply lying there being sentimental. He was a megalomaniac overlord! Feelings were nonexistent for him! Squishies trembled at the mention of his name! He was Dr. Nefarious, the most wanted criminal in the galaxy!

Emphasis on was.

Nefarious let out a frustrated sigh for the hundredth time in what had to be a span of ten minutes, burying his face into the pillow. The past week had become a routine: get up, try to get some evil schemes planned out, fail at doing just that, regret his entire life for a few hours, and fall back asleep. The process was mentally exhausting, and he knew that it definitely wasn’t helping in getting rid of the one (actually several) thought that lodged itself into his mind after ditching his nemeses on that infested planet, but he was at a total loss at what else to do.

Well, diabolical plans won’t think themselves, Nefarious thought as he dragged a hand down his face, getting up from the bed to once again continue the cycle of self-loathing.

Only to promptly bang his jaw against the floor after his legs got tangled in the sheets and gravity decided to add on to the heaping pile of misery that was his life.  The rest of his body slid off the bed as he let out a pained groan, wondering where exactly his life went wrong. An honest question, as there were too many incidents to narrow it down to just one.

Nefarious contemplated remaining there as he couldn’t muster enough energy to bother moving. It wasn’t like he needed to sit in his chair to conjure up a plan, although it definitely helped get the creative juices flowing. And hey, maybe he wouldn’t end up finding It- oh, come on, now you haven’t even seen It and you’re thinking of It again, you freaking mor—

He jumped when he heard several knocks at the door, grateful that he was already on the ground instead of falling again. Peeling himself off the floor, he stumbled as he walked towards the noise, wondering what Lawrence wanted to bother him with this time.

Opening the door, he held up a hand to shield his optics from the way-too-bright lights that filtered behind the other robot. Squinting, he leveled his gaze onto Lawrence before settling into a glare. Nefarious noticed Lawrence stiffen slightly as his optics widened past his usual half-lidded look.

“Sir, are you feeling alright?” Lawrence asked as he regained his usual stance, “you haven’t called for me in… quite a while.”

Nefarious’s eyes widened, surprised at the sudden concern his butler was showing, and noted the slight pause in his words. He glared again, responding, “What do you mean, Lawrence? It’s barely been a week since I asked you for coffee that one time, you know I don’t like being interrupted while I’m working on bigger projects.” Because that was exactly what he had been doing. Nothing involving emotional turmoil. Nope. “Besides, didn’t you ask for a lighter workload before? There, now you have it. Now beat it, I’ve got a blaster to work on.”

Nefarious reached for the panel to shut the doors before Lawrence quickly stepped into the room, the motion sensors preventing the doors from closing. The butler’s more hurried pace and shocked expression caused alarms to ring in the back of his head. Had something happened in the short amount of time he was inside?

Lawrence raised a hand in cautious concern, opening his mouth before closing it again, looking like he was searching for the right words to explain what was going on.

Instead, he decided to reply with, “Sir, it’s been a month.”

Nefarious would have laughed if he didn’t know that Lawrence never told jokes. “A… month—Lawrence, it’s only been a week, a week and a half at most!” He may have lost track of time for that brief stretch of time, but he wasn’t that far gone that he would subconsciously lock himself in his room for days on end. He decided to bring up his internal clock to prove a point as he continued, “What are you even talking abo—“

17:32

November 18, 5362

Well, crap.

“…Oh…” Nefarious didn’t bother to finish his retort as he looked to the other side of the room in acknowledgement, his posture deflating along with his irritation as it was replaced with disturbed realization.

A month. An entire month spent thinking about the events on Magnus. He still couldn’t figure out why leaving those three idiots behind had been so difficult. He should have been overjoyed as soon as Lawrence showed up with a one way ticket to get away from them, but the more he thought about it, the more the more he—well, he had no idea what he was feeling! And that photo—

“Sir?” Nefarious was interrupted from his internal rant when he noticed Lawrence shuffling through the cluttered desk. His hands sifted through the scattered papers until resting upon a particular object. “Would this have to do with what’s troubling you?” He held It up to face Nefarious, whose optics widened when he processed what he was holding.

“LAWRENCE! Give that back!” Nefarious ran towards his butler in an attempt to grab It, but every time he circled the table, Lawrence was somehow able to sidestep just out of reach.

Lawrence wasn’t even breaking a sweat in avoiding the numerous swipes directed at him as he asked, “Sir, I noticed that you seemed to be particularly attached to this photo. When you were staring at it on the ship you had the same look on your face as when you watched the season 7 finale of Lance and Janice.” He dodged another swing. “I’m not certified in this area, but perhaps I could assist you in sorting out what’s on your mind?”

Nefarious glared hard enough in an attempt to bring It to him through sheer thought alone, “I told you Lawrence, I don’t need your help! I’m fine! Or at least I was, until you came in here!” He reached out to grab It but his claw only caught empty air. “Oh, come on! My arms are longer! How are you—“ The doctor cut himself off after crashing to the floor yet again when trying to vault over the table, his hands catching nothing once more.

Nefarious dejectedly rolled to face the ceiling, turning his head to glare at Lawrence. His butler walked towards him with a sigh. A moment of silence passed before he spoke once more, “Is it about Magnus?”

The doctor only replied with a groan, closing his eyes and letting his head drop to the floor. Maybe if he stopped talking Lawrence would leave him alone.

Unfortunately, Lawrence continued, “Or, to be more specific, is it about leaving the others behind?” Nefarious froze.

“No! Of course not! Why would I be thinking about them in any way other than how to enact their very demise?!” The doctor spat denial after denial as he got to his feet, baffled that Lawrence would think otherwise. “I feel nothing but loathing every time I see their stupid faces!” Because loathing meant thinking about them in a non-murderous way for a month, apparently.

Lawrence stared back for a short moment before replying, “Hm, if that is what you believe, sir, are there any other issues you would like to discuss?” He brought out a holopad and began scrolling through pages that Nefarious couldn’t distinguish from his position. “If it would make you feel better, why don’t you take a break from your… ‘work’ and take your mind off of what’s bothering you?”

Well, anything that prevented him from feeling whatever it was he was feeling had to be better than this. He grunted in reply, getting up to prepare for whatever Lawrence had in mind.

Lawrence hummed as he scrolled through various news listings before answering, “A trip to Meridian City, perhaps? There’s a showing of the latest Secret Agent Clank film tonight if you would like to see it, or we could see the Lance and Janice stage play instead. And there appears to be a ceremony today…” He paused and stopped scrolling on a particular page, reading out the article before resuming as he continued his suggestions. “Oh my, there seems to be a sale in the central market. Thirty percent off all kitchen appliances. We can finally replace the microwave after that experiment with the radioactive leftovers.”

“Lawrence, I don’t need you reminding me of my past failures right now, you’re not helping,” Nefarious chided, taking the time to search through his desk. “Now, where did I put the…”

“Keys, sir?” The doctor turned to see Lawrence standing near the doorway and dangling the aforementioned item in front of him.

“Got it!” Nefarious shouted as he snatched them from the butler’s grip, “Come on, Lawrence, get a move on. We don’t have all night!”

Lawrence shook his head as he followed behind him. “Sir, might I suggest wearing some sort of disguise before going out? I imagine it would be difficult remaining inconspicuous when most remember you by the size of your head.”

“I guess you’re right. Those nitwits in the city would be able to recognize my genius if I just happened to pass by,” Nefarious considered as he put a hand to his chin in thought. “Well, Lawrence, any ideas on what to wear?”

Lawrence smiled, turning down another corridor. “I believe I do, sir. It will only take me a moment…”

[myhahnestopinion]

REVIEW: The Lego Batman Movie

Although it has been in production since the character’s show-stealing interpretation in 2014′s The Lego Movie, this weekend’s release of The Lego Batman Movie proves particularly timely. No, not because it’s about a rich egomaniac, whose inability to learn humility and acceptance prevents him from enacting the positive change he promised the world, though certainly read into it whatever you will. No, it’s timely because last year’s Batman V Superman gave us the darkest cinematic interpretation of the character yet, a character so moody and violent, it bordered on self parody. Now, with the planned solo film of Ben Affleck’s version recently thrown into a state of chaos, who’s better than Lego Batman, a character whose extreme brooding is intentional self-parody, to provide a representation and reevaluation of what is so great about Batman, and what isn’t so great. While it never reaches the heights of its parent film, The Lego Batman Movie is a joyous and hilarious celebration of the character’s storied history that’s fun for the whole family. 

It’s not saying much to claim that Lego Batman is the best DC film of recent years, but one can also claim that it is one of DC’s best films ever. While the DCEU’s idea of honoring its source material is bringing in Jimmy Olson just to shoot him in the head, Lego Batman fully embraces all the various absurd aspects of its mythology. From the inclusion of villains as obscure as Egghead, The Eraser, and Condiment King, to its references to all prior Batman movies, to its reinvention of familiar character dynamics, Lego Batman is endless buffet of pure joy for DC Comics fans.The self-deprecating nature of the film also affords an opportunity to reexamine the iconic character, providing a strong argument that the current conception of Batman should evolve, and perhaps even lighten up a little. It reinforces what aspects are essential, while also opening up new possibilities for the character’s representations. The DC Extended Universe would be wise to take a lesson or two from this film (and the subtle shade it throws at Suicide Squad was greatly appreciated). 

Even without an extensive knowledge of the DC Universe however, the film is a sure crowd-pleaser. Like The Lego Movie before it, Lego Batman is witty, creative, and a laugh riot, dishing out quips and visual gags with an impressive ferocity. The humor certainly is a bit more hit-or-miss than the prior film; the jokes tend to be more contextual, meaning it doesn’t leave one with the smorgasbord of instantly-iconic quotes that the first film did. However, nearly all of the numerous children in my theater could be heard repeating Robin’s shout of “Rip!” as he performs his various costume changes, suggesting that the film will delight the whole family. (Of course, these kids were also losing it during the fart jokes of the Boss Baby trailer before this film, so take from that what you will. The deafening silence that greeted the Power Rangers trailer was very satisfying, however.)

Will Arnett, whose performance as BoJack Horseman is perhaps the best voice acting role of all time, reprises his role as Batman from The Lego Movie. His whiny arrogance in an over-the-top gravely voice is once again comedic gold, but Arnett prevents the character from becoming one-note, nailing the film’s more emotional moments as well. Zach Galifianakis as Joker, Ralph Fiennes as Alfred, and Rosario Dawson as Barbara Gordon all do excellent work as well, but the true standout here is Michael Cera’s Robin. Cera’s giddy, prepubescant sounding voice was the perfect fit for this Robin’s childlike wonder, making the character endearing and hilarious. 

Chris McKay, who cut his teeth on Robot Chicken, does a good job in taking over directing duties from Phil Lord and Chris Miller. While it’s not quite as thrilling, perhaps because the more limited subject matter makes this film less surprising, McKay is able to capture the style of the original film, while also making the material his own. The film is more action oriented, as opposed to The Lego Movie’s adventure movie feel, which helps differentiate the two. However, it also makes the film a bit too hectic at times, and it can occasionally get overbearing. The film, and its jokes, work best when it takes the time to slow down.

The one aspect of the film that was sure to be fantastic from the start was the animation. The film adopts the same style as it’s parent film, using CGI to recreate a stop-motion look, and the result is once again breathtaking. It feels like a toy box come to life, and, like The Lego Movie before it, finds inventive use for the various bizarre Lego pieces that the company has produced over the years. It was disappointing to see that this film didn’t animate elements like water or steam in the same Lego brick style, which was one of the most charming parts of the original film, but the animation is still some of the most gorgeous you will find around.

The film may never reach the heights of The Lego Movie, but since that film was a masterpiece and instant-classic, no one really expected The Lego Batman Movie to be able to meet that standard. However, while not everything is awesome, almost everything is. As a celebration of the iconic character, or simply as an appetizer to tide us over until The Lego Movie Sequel arrives in 2019, the film is a rousing success. The voice cast and animation is top notch, while the story provides a fun reinterpretation of the Bat-mythos, perhaps bolstered by the freedom afforded it by its kid-friendly, animated, and out-of-continuity nature. It’s a joyous experience for the whole family, particularly fans of DC Comics. While it would be disingenuous to call The Lego Batman Movie the best film of the year, given it is the only 2017 film I’ve seen thus far, I firmly believe that it will rank highly come year’s end.

The Lego Batman Movie is in theaters now.

[deepestenthusiastmilkshake]

My Review of Transformers Prime

I am going to admit this right now: I am a MASSIVE Transformers fan. I grew up watching Transformers Animated, and I love the franchise to this day. Sure it may just seem like every series is just rehashing the same format: The heroic Autobots are fighting the evil Decepticons, but I still find myself enjoying the different interpretations of the same characters throughout different series. Today we’re going to look at my personal favorite of those series, Transformers Prime: One of the most recent series, and one of the most beloved. For those that don’t know, Prime was part of the Aligned Continuity: a continuity that started from the video game Transformers: War for Cybertron, and continuing now through the cartoon Transformers Robots in Disguise. Prime was a TV show running from 2010 to 2013, and has been called the best Transformers cartoon since Beast Wars. Why is it called that, you say? Well let’s find out

Warning: Spoilers ahead. If you haven’t watched the show, please do so before reading this review. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Right from the first five minutes, you can tell that this show is going to be much darker than most recent shows have been, as it begins with the death of Cliffjumper. He is killed by Starscream, voiced by Steven Blum, who shoves his claws into his chest, instantly killing him. That moment alone set the tone for the whole series. That’s one thing that people love about this show: the tone. It’s much more serious and dark than recent shows, such as Animated, and it is not afraid to kill off any character.

That sounds good, but it also leads to the series biggest problem: it kills of characters that the fandom has grown fond of. Take, for example, the character Breakdown. He was brought in to be the arch nemesis of Bulkhead, one of the main characters. Many people liked Breakdown and liked his rivalry with Bulkhead. Then season two happens, and he dies. Many fans didn’t like this, including myself, since we felt like Breakdown could’ve been used more, and could have had an interesting storyline about him deciding to be loyal to either Starscream or Megatron. Yes, he is technically still used in the show later on, but the character is dead. This isn’t always the case however. There are some cases where the idea of killing a character is done well. Case in point, the character Dreadwing. Dreading was killed in season two, but I felt it was handled well. He had a story arc: avenging the death of his twin brother Skyquake, and the arc was finished. He found out that Starcream was responsible for his death and disgraced him by raising him from the dead as a zombie. When he found this out, he turned on Megatron and tried to kill Starscream, leaving Megatron with the only option of killing him. Dreading couldn’t hold a story anymore, because he didn’t have any other goals beyond serving Megatron and avenging Skyquake. Since the latter involves betraying Megatron, he couldn’t continue to serve him. He could have had a story arc on his own like Starscream did in season two, but he didn’t have any motivation, desires, or power to do so. He made it perfectly clear he couldn’t join the Autobots, and he doesn’t want to rule the Decepticons. Best thing to do was to kill him off. That’s the right way to kill a character: have them complete a story arc, and make sure they don’t have anything left to do. That way, the audience can feel sadness at their loss, but also feel a sense of closure when they do die. Wow! I went way off track didn’t I? Well no worries, I can make up for that. We talked about the tone, but now let’s talk about the characters.Now, I will readily admit that the characters in Prime aren’t as distinct or have the sense of individuality as the characters in Animated. In Prime, the characters fell into three different sections: the badass, the loyal, and the loyal badass. There wasn’t exactly a ton of individuality amongst them, but there still was some. I’m going to talk about my two favorites from both factions, and explain why they are awesome, even without the individuality. Let’s start with Optimus Prime. I will also readily admit that this is my favorite Optimus Prime to date. He is old, wise, mature, and all around awesome. He falls into the category of loyal badass, but he is still awesome. We don’t always see him struggle to keep his emotions in check, but when we do, boy do we. Case in point, when Starscream stole the Omega Keys in season two, Optimus felt all the frustration of being tricked by him, and let it all out in one massive scream. It was so emotionally powerful that dialogue was not necessary afterwords. But even at his highs and lows, Optimus Prime will always be the most level headed, wise, and powerful warriors in any Transformers continuity. Now that we looked at my favorite Autobot, let’s look at my favorite Decepticon, Starscream. The Decepticons also fell into three categories: the loyal, the schemer, or the conqueror. Knowing Starscream, you can guess which one he falls into. The schemer. Not only is this my favorite Starcream, this is arguably the best Starscream iteration to date. He is everything past Starscreams want to be. He is cowardly, but he knows when to strike. He’s like a cobra, biding his time for just the right moment to enact his plans. He is also the most tactically competent Starscream to date. Most of his plans go wrong, but he is still a great strategist, as his plans fail through either his own ego, or an unforseen force. Either way, if these didn’t get in the way, some of his plans might have worked. A plus Starscream right here. Now that we talked about the great characters, let’s finish this review off with the stories. Prime had a lot of different story arcs that often coincide with one another, and have a satisfying payoff by seasons end or next season’s beginning. The first one was the return and fall of Megatron. Megatron discovered something called Dark Energon, which could reanimate the dead transformers as zombies, referred to as terrorcons in the show. His plan was to use the dark energon to revive all of the dead Cybertronians on Cybertron, and sea them to take over/destroy Earth. The Autobots stop him and all is right again. Then the next major one was the rise of Unicron. Unicorn, the transformers equivalent of Satan, is awakening in the center of the Earth due to a magnetic pull caused by a rare planetary alignment. Thus it is up to the Autobots and Megatron to team up and stop him with the Matrix of Leadership. But afterwards, Optimus loses his memories, and become Orion Pax. Megatron uses Orion to unlock something called the Iacon Database: a database stolen when the Cons raided the Iacon Hall of Records during the War. The database contains a bunch of encrypted coordinates where an Iacon relic has been stored for future use. Eventually the Autobots help get Orions memory back and get Optimus to return, as well as access the database. Thus starts a MASSIVE scavenger hunt for the relics buried on Earth. Eventually, they find the Omega Keys: devices that can activate something called the Omega Lock, which they can use to restore Cybertron. Through a series of unfortunate events, the Cons get secure the Lock and use it to cuneiform Earth, which would destroy all life in the process. Optimus eventually destroys the Lock to protect Earth, but not before Megatron, makes a new fortress next to the Autobots base, and destroy the base, with Optimus still inside. During this time the Autobots are scattered across Earth, which lead to Megatron needing a new way to hunt them down. And he does in the form of the Predacons. The Predacons are basically like Earth’s dinosaurs on Cybertron, even through they look like dragons and other mythical creatures. Eventually, Optimus does get better and gets a new form, and destroys Megatron’s fortress. Thus starts another scavenger hunt, in the form of both sides looking for Predacon bones, scattered across Earth. When Megatron finally gets enough bones to clone a Predacon army, it becomes apparent that the Preds are, in fact, sentient beings that can also transform. When Megatron realises this, he plans to have the Autobots destroy all of the Predacons being cloned, and having only one remain. This leads to the discovery of another plot element which leads to a successful recreation of the Omega Lock. The Autobots attack the Cons warship and take it, in order to use the Lock to restore their home, which they do. And they all lived happily ever after, that is until the sequel, but we’ll get to that later. The story arcs may seem repetitive, but they still are very interesting and fun to watch. They always offer something new, and have plenty of twists in order to keep the audience’s attention. That, in a very large nutshell, is why Transformers Prime is my favorite Transformers continuity. Transformers Prime: 9 out of 10. Join me next time when I talk about the sequel, Transformers Robots in Disguise.

[theconservativebrief]

Since the dawn of the Industrial Revolution (or, at the very least, since the dawn of The Jetsons), Americans have been seized by the anxiety of being replaced by robots. In some service industries, these concerns have proven prophetic. But the technology is still far from perfect (see: the massive temper tantrums on social media over CVS’s automated self-checkout), and even though one report has predicted that robots could replace human workers by 2030, most people can rest assured that their jobs are safe for the time being. Most people, that is, but sex workers.

In Rolling Stone, writer Breena Kerr profiles Aura Dolls, a sex doll brothel in Toronto where clients can pay $120 an hour and an additional $90 per half-hour to do whatever they want to the six dolls on staff (provided they do not “make any extra holes” in them, though one wonders what would be the occasion for doing so). Brothel employees clean up the dolls between appointments to prepare them for the next customer.

NurPhoto via Getty Images

Aura Dolls is not the first sex doll brothel of its kind: There are similar establishments located in Barcelona, Moscow, and Turin, Italy. Such sex doll brothels have also been erroneously referred to as “sex robot brothels,” even though most do not possess such artificial intelligence.

Due to their high cost (a customizable Real Doll, for instance, starts at $5,999), sex dolls in general are still considered expensive novelty items. Legally speaking, they also exist in a somewhat gray area: Though they don’t technically violate most state prostitution laws, the moral opposition to sex work in the United States is so intense that it would inevitably serve as a barrier. Plans to open a brothel in Houston, for instance, were scrapped after the city council amended an existing ordinance to forbid business patrons from engaging in sexual congress with inanimate objects.

For these reasons, sex doll brothels are far from commonplace. Nonetheless, there’s been major outcry over the mere prospect of sex doll brothels, particularly in the legal sex industry in the United States. (Prostitution is illegal in the US except in a select number of counties in Nevada, where it is highly regulated.)

Allissa, a sex worker at the legal brothel Sheri’s Ranch in Nevada, is outraged that unlike legal brothels, which cannot openly advertise for fear of violating solicitation laws, sex doll brothels would ostensibly be able to openly advertise on billboards (as one recently did in Vancouver). She also believes they would pose a serious safety threat.

“If any guys start using these brothels, the dolls can’t consent and they have no limitations,” Allissa told Vox. “We’re very clear about what can happen and not happen during a party. And if sex dolls were to become popular, clients would think that [a lack of limitations] was normal.”

On the surface, this seems like an obvious concern: When presented with the choice between a flesh-and-blood woman who can consent to sex and a $6,000 hunk of silicone who can’t, logic would seemingly dictate that any man who opts for the latter is more likely to harbor some problematic views of women.

But this doesn’t necessarily have to be the case. Sex doll brothels could potentially serve as a viable option for clients who may lack the social skills necessary to form meaningful relationships with humans. “Patrons [who] may have some sort of social anxiety or perhaps are disabled, who might not be comfortable with the social interactions of a human sex worker, would benefit greatly due to this service,” an Aura spokesperson said, adding that the brothel has received a number of inquiries from visually impaired people and the hard of hearing.

Sex dolls could also potentially serve as outlets for people with non-normative sexual preferences (think a taste for violent or nonconsensual sex) who don’t wish to harm a living person, or people in monogamous relationships who want to sexually experiment without actually committing infidelity. It would be unfair to characterize all of these people as misogynists eager to enact their twisted rape fantasies on unsuspecting hunks of plastic, just as it is unfair to characterize everyone who buys sex (an estimated 14 percent of American men) as brutal and exploitative.

“The dolls can’t consent and they have no limitations”

It’s safe to say that many sex workers’ primary objection to sex doll brothels isn’t moral or philosophical, but economic.

It is true that it costs less to masturbate into a rented hunk of silicone than it does to have sex with a legal prostitute. Allissa wouldn’t tell Vox how much she charged for a party, citing solicitation laws, but generally speaking, while sex workers’ rates vary widely according to many factors, a typical “Girlfriend Experience,” or more intimate sexual encounter, costs about $1,000 per hour at Sheri’s Ranch competitor the Moonlite BunnyRanch, and it’s not unheard of for an in-demand sex worker to charge far more than that.

That’s a far cry from the $120 an hour quoted by Aura Dolls, but brothels also tend to take a hefty commission from their workers (at Sheri’s Ranch, it’s 50 percent). They also aren’t responsible for the bulk of employee costs, which saves quite a bit of money on the management end: Allissa says she pays for room and board when she works at the ranch, as well as her own drinks, condoms, sex toys, and her hair and nails.

When you consider the level of cleanup involved in ensuring that sex dolls are up to hygiene standards for repeated use, it makes sense that the maintenance costs for a sex doll brothel would be fairly high.

“Due to the costs of hiring cleaning staff and employees to make sure the dolls are in tip-top condition every single use and making sure they are thoroughly cleaned along with the maintenance of the products and facility, [running a sex doll brothel] is not as cheap as one would imagine,” the Aura spokesperson said.

NurPhoto via Getty Images

Of course, sex workers provide a service that has far more value than any provided by sex dolls. In a world that encourages men to suppress and tamp down their emotions, it’s not uncommon for sex workers often act as impromptu therapists for their clients. “A lot of my job has to do with nonsexual intimacy. I’m creating a connection with them,” says Allissa. “They talk to me about their troubles … it’s a lot of genuine human connection. I do have clients who don’t have sex at all and they just want to cuddle and talk to me.”

A sex doll could not perform emotional labor on that level, or provide any of the other less tangible benefits of flesh-and-blood companionship — but at the same time, neither can your iPhone, or any of the other myriad technological advances that make our lives both infinitely easier and a lot lonelier.

It’s going to be a long time before sex doll brothels become mainstream, if they ever do. Still, as technology around AI improves and brands start developing sex dolls that are able to convincingly replicate human sexual response, it’s not beyond the realm of possibility that sex dolls could one day join the ranks of vibrators and other sex toys, which now enjoy a certain mainstream respectability and are considered supplements of, rather than threats to, a healthy and safe sex life. Even Allissa says they could potentially be used as a training tool during parties, or a way to school male clients on how to give women pleasure.

Prostitution is called “the oldest profession” for good reason: There’s always been high demand for paid sex, and there likely always will be. But that doesn’t mean the industry is totally impervious to change. So far, we’ve seen strip clubs and porn movie theaters shut their doors due to the ubiquity of free internet porn. If sex dolls and robots ever become sophisticated enough to convincingly replicate IRL sex, who’s to say that a handful of brothels in rural Nevada won’t suffer the same fate?

Time and again, when confronted with the choice between convenience and affordability and the less tangible benefits of emotional intimacy, humans have opted for the former. There’s no reason to think that the sex industry will prove the exception to the rule.

Perhaps surprisingly, however, that’s not what Aura Dolls says. “We believe that there will always be a demand and market for human sex workers as it is considered one of the world’s oldest professions,” the spokesperson told Vox, perhaps unwittingly echoing other mega-corporations’ arguments in favor of automated workers. “We do not foresee it to be replaced anytime soon.”

Original Source -> Sex doll brothels are now a thing. What will happen to real-life sex workers?

via The Conservative Brief

[autolenaphilia]

I, Robot The Shame of Mystery Science Theater 3000 by Chris Fujiwara

(This article has disappeared from the Internet, though you can find it archived on the Wayback Machine here I find it quite interesting and it articulates some of the concerns I have with MST3K and “bad movie culture” in general, so I’m reposting it here. The article is written by Chris Fujiwara and belongs to him. If he wants me to take it down, I will.)

One sign of the death of the cinema is the zombie-like persistence of the "bad film" cult that rose to public-nuisance status in the late Seventies, feasting noisily on things like the Ed Wood films. From the start, this was just an especially obnoxious manifestation of a general intolerance for films that try to free themselves from the dominant mode of cinematic realism. Thus it's but a short step from sneering at the budgetary deficiencies of Plan 9 from Outer Space to scoffing at, e.g.:

1. Any non-state-of-the-art special effects and visions of the future, even though these things date themselves anyway from period to period, and future generations may find Independence Day less "realistic" (whatever that will mean) than the 1956 aliens-smash-the-state programmer of which it is an unacknowledged remake, Earth vs. the Flying Saucers;

2. Overtly non-realistic visual and acting style used for expressive purposes, as in Soviet master S. M. Eisenstein's outrageous Ivan the Terrible, which uses actors' bodies as components of a delirious architecture;

3. "Implausible" plots like Vertigoas if we're supposed to ignore the holes in the stories Hollywood tells now just because men don't wear ties to walk around the block and no shot lasts longer than 1.4 secondsand "banal" ones like the potboiler-like thriller stories from which Orson Welles made his superb Lady from Shanghai, and Touch of Evilas if Aeschylus, Sophocles, and Euripedes working together could have come up with an original story or cared less about it;

4. Mythic dialogue and situations like those in Rebel Without a Cause and Douglas Sirk's Written on the Wind, The Tarnished Angels, and Imitation of Life, whose emotional power intimidates audiences lulled by the rituals of appeasement enacted in nighttime soap operas.

The irrelevant yocks that frequently greet the films just mentioned when they show at a revival house or a college auditorium are the voice of a viewing public paralyzed by fear, desperate for any externalization of a comforting "distance" to protect them from recognizing their own anxieties writ large in the image unspooling from the past not dead enough to suit them.

Such a distance is abundantly provided by the robots on the cable (now also broadcast-syndicated) show Mystery Science Theater 3000, devoted to stomping on "the worst movies ever made." The big gimmick (the "plot" behind which isn't worth explaining) is that these robots are sitting in a mockup of a theater and we the lucky TV audience are watching the films from over their shoulders and ostensibly being entertained by their scornful running commentary. The numbing, irritating effect thus achieved is not unlike watching a Josef vos Sternberg film in the eighth row of the Brattle Theater in Harvard Square the week after midterms. What is most amazing about MST3K (the acronyum preferred by the show's adherents) is that the robots can blather on for an hour without saying anything witty or interestingand people can't get enough of them! (As of this writing, MST3K, which has been in hiatus, is due to be "revived" in new episodes [it wased]; meanwhile, the repeats are still shown contantly on Comedy Central.)

(A similar dead-end sensation can be found by watching what is supposed to pass for heady, unsettling stuff in recent cinema. I refer to the ubiquitous superficial irony that has become the stock-in-trade of Robert Altman, the Coen Brothers, and many less skillful directors, the maddening profusion of brain-eating detail in one of Terry Gilliam's nasty conceits, and the pompous theatricalized events of Peter Greenaway.)

I'd like one of the misties (in-group code for the shows devotees) to explain to me (a letter in care of the editor of this magazine will do, thanks) why if these mechanical creeps are such Oscar Wildes don't they take on something just a bit juicier, a tad more worthy of their withering satire than The Beasts of Yucca Flats. What about, say, Fellini's La Dolce Vita? There's a film that has everything the robots love to disdain: pretentious dialogue, long dull stretches, and people with funny clothes and big asses. Obviously, the contempt for cinema, history, and the audience that fuels the whole robot insanity can be applied to low-budget horror and exploitation filmmaking.

MST3K isn't really about "bad movies" anyway. This is proved by the choice of 1955's This Island Earth as the film basted in Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Movie, the recent theatrical spinoff from the show. In a kinder, gentler era of genre film appreciation (whose tone was set by Forrest J. Ackerman, the benevolent editor of Famous Monsters of Filmland), This Island Earth was regarded as a classic. Whatever you think about the film, to rank it one of "the worst movies ever made" is clearly absurd. Of the 30,000 features released in the United States from 1915 to 1960, This Island Earth is probably in the top 3,000-4,000. Considering that countless films have been made since (most of them bad in ways that could scarcely have been imagined in 1955), I would guess that This Island Earth is sitting comfortably in the top five percent of all films. (That's right, I'm saying that 19 out of every 20 films are worse than This Island Earth. Prove me wrong.) Why pick on This Island Earth? To raise the intellectual stakes a little ? Probably notit's doubtful that many members of the intended audience of MST3K:TM had ever heard of This Island Earth or could distinguish it from Rocky Jones, Space Ranger. Anyway, the level of humor in MST3K:TM is preposterously low: roughly a third of the robots' remarks are alarmed, sniggering references to homosexuality, putdowns of the hero's sidekick's virility, and other manifestations of male adolescent sex-role anxiety. (Another third are mostly farting and toilet jokes, which possibly belong to the same category.) In its treatment of Faith Domergue's sexy scientist, This Island Earth may betray what we now recognize as the sexism of the Fifties, but what are we to make of the fact that the woman aboard the MST3K spacceship is a maternal vacuum cleaner with no arms? MST3K is obsessed with sexuality and afraid of it. The absence of women highlights the show's treehouse psychology.

MST3K's use of robots for heroes is no accident. MST3K's sarcasm at the expense of the past is techno-elitism at its most self-congratulatory, asserting mastery through acts of cultural misrecognition. Perhaps the reason the MST3K people despise so much that they choose to mount an attack on it in the nation's theaters is that they're disturbed by the way the film reduces the unimaginable future of interplanetary communication to the level of an erector set. MST3K's creators, who resemble science nerds using their first grant as an excuse to lord it over their former peers, would probably be thrilled to be drafted for a totalitarian planet's nuclear program (the fate of the protagonists of This Island Earth).

The robots on the bottom of the MST3K screen are scotomas that indicate a more fundamental visual disturbance, the inability to see anything in films except the same things over and over again: hot women, men who match masculine stereotypes either too well or not enough, and supposed defects of representation (too slow, too cheap-looking, not realistic enough, etc.).

Then there's The Mystery Science Theater 3000 Amazing Colossal Episode Guide. Just as MST3K represents a depressing low in "golden turkey" television, TMST3KACEG marks a stupefying new milestone in "golden turkey" film books by having no information about any film, apart from short, inaccurate plot summaries. Instead, the book recounts supposed highlights of the robots' parasitic interventions and explains how the robots behind the robots "strived to make [the films] funny." Readers are thus treated to 172 large-format, haute-design pages filled with pointless descriptions of robot skits and unreadable writing-room anecdotes ("I recall this episode as being the first time we decided to write sketches having nothing to do with the movie..." from the section on Monster a-Go-Go). Nauseatingly self-important, TMST3KACEG leaves wide open the door I wish had remained shut; I expect to see a new wave of film books that focus on the writers' bus rides home.

The book exposes the cluelessness behind the smug sensibility evident on the show. MST3K writer Kevin Murphy proclaims reverence for Frank Zappa (and in real goo-talk yet: "When all his tapes are played and his music is studied, I'm guessing he'll go down as one of the finest composers and performers of the century," p. 109) but makes fun of an angry viewer for wanting to hear Eddie Cochran in Untamed Youth without robots talking (p.16). It makes sense that someone who thinks it's cool to put robots in front of The Killer Shrews would have no problem revealing in print that he thinks the composer of "Don't Eat Yellow Snow" and "St. Alphonzo's Pancake Breakfast" is a greater artist than the man who recorded "Something Else" and "Nervous Breakdown."

There's nothing new about MST3Kit's just a tasteless crossbreeding of the tradition of the TV horror host (Zacherle, Ghoulardi, the Ghoul, Elvira) and the "Golden Turkey" way of misreading films that was codified by inane right-wing reviewer Michael Medved and his equally vapid brother, Harry. All this comes indirectly from the surrealists, but the MST3K robots, following their idols the Medveds rather than Andr Breton and Ado Kyrou, deny and trivialize the power of strange films to disturb, confuse, and give hope.

It's time the "bad movies" movement died a quiet death. This goes not just for MST3K-style vendettas against low-budget films but also for the would-be more sophisticated "camp" onslaught against glossy major productions like "Valley of the Dolls" and the Delmer Daves-Troy Donahue cycle (A Summer Place, Susan Slade, etc.). Of the many possible ways of enjoying a film that deviates from standard criteria of adequacy, the least interesting is to treat it as a source of unintentional humor. Robot Monster, The Sinister Urge, The Brain That Wouldn't Die, Hercules and the Captive Women, It Conquered the World, Attack of the Giant Leeches, Aleksandr Ptushko's fantasy films"bad" as some of these films may be (although many of them are, in fact, "good"), all of them will be admired long after their potential for robot humor has been exhausted (i.e., starting right now) for the unique aesthetic experiences , strange personal visions, and precious cultural documentation they offer.

Someone should invent MST3K glasses with the robots printed on the bottoms of the lenses for people to wear to movies, except that it would be unnecessary, since the robots are already built into the cognitive and aesthetic faculties of an entire culture. MST3K assumes its audienes are so impotent that they can't enjoy even "bad" films first hand but can derive pleasure from them only over the shoulders of robots.

[islooblog]

Experts warn COVID-19 could trigger deepest global recession in generations

Reuters PARIS: The coronavirus pandemic is battering the world´s major economies and could trigger the deepest global recession in generations, experts warned Wednesday, as rising death tolls in Europe and the US dampened hopes for a quick turnaround. While the Chinese city where the virus was born has been released from its nearly 11-week lockdown, much of the West remains in the throes of a crisis that has killed more than 80,000 people worldwide. The hardest-hit countries, among them Italy, Spain, France and the US, are wrestling with how to balance public safety with the devastating impact of lockdowns that have shuttered whole sectors of the economy and erased millions of jobs in a matter of weeks. The economic forecasts are dire. The fallout "may well be the deepest economic recession or downturn of our lifetimes", warned the chief the World Trade Organization, Roberto Azevedo. Global trade growth could fall by up to a third this year, the WTO said. France has already recorded its worst economic performance since 1945 during the first quarter, shrinking some six percent.Germany's economy, the biggest in Europe, is also expected to fall into a "serious recession" and contract by nearly 10 percent in the second quarter, leading researchers warned. Yet health experts stressed it is too early to loosen restrictions. They say premature moves could accelerate the spread of a disease that has already infiltrated every layer of society, from refugees to royals to Britain's Prime Minister Boris Johnson, who was reported to be "stable" during his third day in intensive care. "Now is not the time to relax measures. It is the time to once again double and triple our collective efforts to drive towards suppression with the whole support of society," said the World Health Organization's Europe director Hans Kluge.

'Stuck for 77 days'

In the ground-zero Chinese city of Wuhan, which led the world with its unprecedented lockdown in January, strict measures appear to have paid off. After a months-long travel ban was finally lifted, tens of thousands of people fled the city in joyous scenes that contrasted with the macabre mood around much of the world -- even if some passengers were travelling in hazmat suits."I've been stuck for 77 days! I've been stuck for 77 days!" shouted one man heading back to his home province of Hunan by train. Yet not all is back to normal, with schools still closed and travel discouraged. At the railway station a robot whirred through crowds to spray their feet with a disinfectant. Passengers also had to pass temperatures checks and show green "health codes" on their phone, which are calculated in part by whether their neighbourhoods have been declared virus-free. "Wuhan has lost a lot in this epidemic, and Wuhan people have paid a big price," a 21-year-old man surnamed Yao told AFP. "Now that the lockdown has been lifted, I think we're all pretty happy."

Stages of grief

Medical staff around the world are bearing a heavy physical and emotional toll as they work in packed intensive care units and makeshift hospitals erected in sports stadiums, on ships and even in a New York cathedral. In Spain, home to the world's second deadliest outbreak, another 757 deaths were reported Wednesday, bringing the toll up for a second day after several days of decline. Antonio Alvarez, a 33-year-old nurse at a Barcelona hospital, described his experience of the crisis as akin to bereavement. "I've had my phases of anger, of denial, you go through all of them.""Now we are still a little overwhelmed but it is better. Fewer patients are dying," he told AFP. Hundreds are still passing away daily in worst-affected Italy although the peak of the crisis appears to have passed, with the rise of infections falling to a new low. Britain, meanwhile, was tense after a record 786 deaths Tuesday, while the prime minister's hospitalisation underscored the seriousness of the disease for many in a country that was slow to react. The 55-year-old British leader was "clinically stable" and "responding to the treatment", his spokesman said, adding he was in "good spirits". The US also faced a punishing 24 hours, with another 1,939 deaths recorded according to a tally by Johns Hopkins University, bringing the nation's death toll to nearly 13,000.President Donald Trump took aim at the WHO, accusing it of a pro-Beijing bias as he threatened to cut funding. The US president has criticised China's handling of the pandemic and questioned the accuracy of official statistics that show its deaths have slowed to a trickle. Yet Trump himself has also come under fire for initially downplaying the virus by likening it to the flu and failing to adequately prepare the country -- which now has the most infections on the planet. Bailout efforts A staggering 81 percent of the world's 3.3 billion-strong workforce has been affected by "the worst global crisis since the Second World War", according to the UN's International Labour Organization. Governments around the globe are rolling out unprecedented stimulus measures, including a $1-trillion package in Japan. In Washington, Democrats demanded an additional $500 billion to battle the coronavirus crisis, a request that could complicate efforts to push through a new aid package for small businesses. The eurozone is also mired in bickering over a bailout plan for its hard-hit members that would come on top of measures enacted by individual governments. Finance ministers were unable to bridge divides after 16 hours of talks that will now resume Thursday. The markets continued their volatile movement, with Wall Street stocks rising at the start of trade on Wednesday. The economic disruption is biting hardest among the world's poor. "Since this crisis started we've been sitting at home and there's no money coming in," said Mohamed Said, a 36-year-old carpenter and father-of-three queueing for food packages in Cairo."We don't know how to feed our kids... and if, God forbid, something happens to any of them, I won't be able to foot a hospital bill." Source link Read the full article

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Experts warn COVID-19 could trigger deepest global recession in generations

Reuters PARIS: The coronavirus pandemic is battering the world´s major economies and could trigger the deepest global recession in generations, experts warned Wednesday, as rising death tolls in Europe and the US dampened hopes for a quick turnaround. While the Chinese city where the virus was born has been released from its nearly 11-week lockdown, much of the West remains in the throes of a crisis that has killed more than 80,000 people worldwide. The hardest-hit countries, among them Italy, Spain, France and the US, are wrestling with how to balance public safety with the devastating impact of lockdowns that have shuttered whole sectors of the economy and erased millions of jobs in a matter of weeks. The economic forecasts are dire. The fallout "may well be the deepest economic recession or downturn of our lifetimes", warned the chief the World Trade Organization, Roberto Azevedo. Global trade growth could fall by up to a third this year, the WTO said. France has already recorded its worst economic performance since 1945 during the first quarter, shrinking some six percent.Germany's economy, the biggest in Europe, is also expected to fall into a "serious recession" and contract by nearly 10 percent in the second quarter, leading researchers warned. Yet health experts stressed it is too early to loosen restrictions. They say premature moves could accelerate the spread of a disease that has already infiltrated every layer of society, from refugees to royals to Britain's Prime Minister Boris Johnson, who was reported to be "stable" during his third day in intensive care. "Now is not the time to relax measures. It is the time to once again double and triple our collective efforts to drive towards suppression with the whole support of society," said the World Health Organization's Europe director Hans Kluge.

'Stuck for 77 days'

In the ground-zero Chinese city of Wuhan, which led the world with its unprecedented lockdown in January, strict measures appear to have paid off. After a months-long travel ban was finally lifted, tens of thousands of people fled the city in joyous scenes that contrasted with the macabre mood around much of the world -- even if some passengers were travelling in hazmat suits."I've been stuck for 77 days! I've been stuck for 77 days!" shouted one man heading back to his home province of Hunan by train. Yet not all is back to normal, with schools still closed and travel discouraged. At the railway station a robot whirred through crowds to spray their feet with a disinfectant. Passengers also had to pass temperatures checks and show green "health codes" on their phone, which are calculated in part by whether their neighbourhoods have been declared virus-free. "Wuhan has lost a lot in this epidemic, and Wuhan people have paid a big price," a 21-year-old man surnamed Yao told AFP. "Now that the lockdown has been lifted, I think we're all pretty happy."

Stages of grief

Medical staff around the world are bearing a heavy physical and emotional toll as they work in packed intensive care units and makeshift hospitals erected in sports stadiums, on ships and even in a New York cathedral. In Spain, home to the world's second deadliest outbreak, another 757 deaths were reported Wednesday, bringing the toll up for a second day after several days of decline. Antonio Alvarez, a 33-year-old nurse at a Barcelona hospital, described his experience of the crisis as akin to bereavement. "I've had my phases of anger, of denial, you go through all of them.""Now we are still a little overwhelmed but it is better. Fewer patients are dying," he told AFP. Hundreds are still passing away daily in worst-affected Italy although the peak of the crisis appears to have passed, with the rise of infections falling to a new low. Britain, meanwhile, was tense after a record 786 deaths Tuesday, while the prime minister's hospitalisation underscored the seriousness of the disease for many in a country that was slow to react. The 55-year-old British leader was "clinically stable" and "responding to the treatment", his spokesman said, adding he was in "good spirits". The US also faced a punishing 24 hours, with another 1,939 deaths recorded according to a tally by Johns Hopkins University, bringing the nation's death toll to nearly 13,000.President Donald Trump took aim at the WHO, accusing it of a pro-Beijing bias as he threatened to cut funding. The US president has criticised China's handling of the pandemic and questioned the accuracy of official statistics that show its deaths have slowed to a trickle. Yet Trump himself has also come under fire for initially downplaying the virus by likening it to the flu and failing to adequately prepare the country -- which now has the most infections on the planet. Bailout efforts A staggering 81 percent of the world's 3.3 billion-strong workforce has been affected by "the worst global crisis since the Second World War", according to the UN's International Labour Organization. Governments around the globe are rolling out unprecedented stimulus measures, including a $1-trillion package in Japan. In Washington, Democrats demanded an additional $500 billion to battle the coronavirus crisis, a request that could complicate efforts to push through a new aid package for small businesses. The eurozone is also mired in bickering over a bailout plan for its hard-hit members that would come on top of measures enacted by individual governments. Finance ministers were unable to bridge divides after 16 hours of talks that will now resume Thursday. The markets continued their volatile movement, with Wall Street stocks rising at the start of trade on Wednesday. The economic disruption is biting hardest among the world's poor. "Since this crisis started we've been sitting at home and there's no money coming in," said Mohamed Said, a 36-year-old carpenter and father-of-three queueing for food packages in Cairo."We don't know how to feed our kids... and if, God forbid, something happens to any of them, I won't be able to foot a hospital bill." Source link Read the full article