#plan w / friend was canceled
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actually crashing out, vent in tags
#been planning this xmas party w my friends for a month#my mom got super into and we’re cooking a bunch of food for it#well we talked about what movie to watch and a couple of friends said the shining#didnt wanna watch that#thats not a christmad movie#but i was under the impression we never agreed to a movie#so i bring it up three weeks later#and my friend gets pissed at me for changing the movie#when we never agreed to one in the first place#like it’s my fucking party i think i should have some say#so we finally agree to home alone#and i think everything is fine#then i get a text today#saying we need to start at 10 instead of 11#because one of my friends#has to fucking work tomorrow at 3#i start crashing out#bc this shit has been making me so anxious#and this just made it worse#i want to cancel the party but i cant#my mom already spent a bunch of moneh#they want to fit in a 3 hour board game and im like#when are we gonna have fucking time for that#jesus#so i’m pissed at two of my friends#my best friend has apologized to me for them#love him so much thanks pookie#anyway#been cleaning the house to prepare for these stupid idiots#i don’t think i’m ever hosting anything ever again
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i feel rly sad and conflicted abt one of my best friends on earth but idk who to ask for advice bc i usually would have consulted her in this situation lmao
#shes cool and i dont want to lose her and i know Logically i love her but atm i feel so strange towards her#and idk what to do abt it bc i know in the past ive like...over-communicated a lot and over the last few yrs ive been trying to not do that#bc thats an anxious impulse i think .so like . self control#AND IMPORTANTLY . i may actually be the problem here ?? ok again i love her i dont want to lose her etc but basically ive noticed a pattern#which is that whenever she gets a bf/a man (even fwb) in her life she basically stops talking to me and the limited interactions we do have#become abt him. and while i support her it is acc too much. like we barely talked while she was w her ex bf until he became abusive and#then we talked a lottt like all our convos understandably were abt him . and then when they broke up we kept hanging out so i didnt rly see#the pattern there but still she seemed to centre men a lot in her life like sbe was excited to not date and find herself and then#immediately afterwards started seeing this other guy with whom shes basically in a relationship now#hes nice and all but like . HES ALL SHE TALKS ABT . actually we barely talk atp but when we do its abt him#she sends me reels sometimes but its all abt being jealous abt him etc . and shes bi but she said she doesnt like the idea of dating women#bc theyre scary . and i thought she was kidding in the ohhh women r so beautiful that theyre intimidating way but no she was being entirely#fr . she explained jts bc she was bullied by a girl in the past but like...bro ur ex bf literally abused you like surely you see men are#capable of just as much harm? but obvs who she dates is her own choice . but anyway she has consistently made plans w me then cancelled the#like an hr before . or asked to call me and then proceeded to not do so . when i ask her to meet/call its the same she just doesnt respond#or she cancels ? and while i understand anxiety sucks it feels SO WEIRD STILL . maybe im the problem slightly too bc ik i have no right to#feel this way but it rubs me the wrong way that ik she has so much time to spend w him/calls him all the time despite meeting him just a fe#months ago whereas i just have to like ...be ok w not actually having talked to her for a long time#its gotten to the point where when she says do you wanna meet/call i automatically respond yes and then just assume it doesnt happen . like#there have been several times over the past few months i double booked plans over when we were supposed to call/meet bc i was sure she#wouldnt show up and ive been right each time#like she sends me texts that she misses me or im her best friend etc etc occasionally and then acts rly . contrary to that ?#ive talked to her abt the issue w cancelling on me twice btw. when i was still dating the situationship person she would get sooo mad at#them for not respecting my time and shed tell me i deserve better etc etc and then like . she doesnt seem to respect my time at all#anyway she said she understand and she admits to like...being flaky etc but does nothing abt it#and its not like i can tell her to stop caring so much abt men bc we sorta had convos like that b4 she got This involved w this guy#and apparently it did nothing and the last thing i want is to police her relationships or get in her way#its just AUSHD AUGH#anyway i rly miss her it just doesnt feel the same at all anymore
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pretty much constant state of feeling alone when will the pain end guys
#i even cancelled plans for my sisters bday but all she wants to do is play roblox w her friends. umm. okay so now what..#I FEEL SAD.
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Not the cancelling of plans when this was low-key a load bearing hang out or whatever. Who cares
#🐸‼️.txt#it feels like this person always cancels our plans#and like i try to make plans with them and then something comes up#i want to give them grace bc its what I'd want someone to do for me#im just incredibly frustrated by the situation#i was talking to my other friend abt the situation and the other friend recommended i pull away a little and take time for myself#(i live w the friend who cancelled plans)#boils down to the feeling of loneliness and not feeling cared for etc#even though i know i am#im tired of trying to reach out to people who dont reach out
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italians come through on my poll 💪😈
#i saw a couple ppl saying it’s how germs/sickness spread and yes for sure that’s true#but also i feel it no more increases the chances of getting sick than a hug does? faces in close proximity n all#i believe in pushing for covid consciousness and respecting personal boundaries BUT this train of thinking had me branching off a bit#into thoughts abt hyperindividualism and the current generation’s struggle against loneliness and emotional connection#there’s a big averseness to physical closeness w ppl’s friends (excitement abt canceling plans for instance)#and i think it would do ppl good to try to push past slight discomfort and just Be with ppl#hang out w ppl!! have a meal w them!! hug them hello and goodbye!!#physical proximity is so so so so so good for ur soul#i hope tumblr doesn’t misconstrue what i’m trying to say and i hope im saying it in the correct way#never break your own boundaries to accommodate someone else’s pushiness BUT don’t allow yourself to solely prioritize comfortability#bc u will never grow!! so push back against the urge to stagnate by trying minor things outside ur comfort zone here n there :-)#anyways.txt
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guys why is everything happening this weekend 😭😭😭😭😭😭
#I had to cancel plans w my friends :/#going to LA#there’s a food festival in my town but i’m not gonna be here#going to see a concert :)
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Would I be proving my therapist (who has been voicing some concerns about my depression maybe getting worse but like I feel like it's fine) right by cancelling my appointment tomorrow cause I just don't wanna. Like all I have to report is that I'm tired and I wanna rest and I just don't really feel like it y'know
#unrelated to the flu shot but i'm certain i'll feel it tomorrow#idk i've been in a weird state lately where i get really excited about my art and i get super talkative in general#i feel peppy and enthusiastic and excited and then i just crash. HARD.#it feels like all the years of being a shut-in finally catch up to me all at once and it's like apocalyptic hellfire all consuming agony#and nobody is ever gonna love me again bc i refuse to allow it and the lights are too bright in public spaces.#i feel like i'm not really a person outside of my interests and my artwork. i forget that i'm like. a being.#i think i'm also just annoyed bc i'm gonna be Doing Things. already so soon it's gonna be halloween#and i have plans w my sisters and their friends and later i'll be spending the night at my sister's#and i do want to do all that. but it pisses me off that i had waste time today and will have to tomorrow#when i could be drawing. i should have been drawing. i cannot emphasize enough actually#how artwork is just. the one and only thing that makes me feel connected to people.#that brings me joy and purpose like nothing else. so i just get extra upset if i'm gonna be doing too many things LMFAO#and as i say all this like damn milo some people have jobs. i used to. a lifetime ago.#but to be so real i've gotten so much worse. at. everything.#man sometimes i can't even tolerate being at one of my sisters' place bc she doesn't have lamps.#so i just have to chill in the dark in an adjacent room and it's like Fine.#but why can't everyone live by MY rules.#if i skip out on therapy tomorrow i should cancel tonight. i guess i'm just split about it.#like. it's clear i have things to talk about. but man i just don't fucking WANT to. i'm SICK OF IT#it's more of the same and then some. my circumstances will never change bc i'm in hell. okay.#who CARES .......#who GIVES a shit..........#ect.
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;~; (tags vent)
#i feel so lonely and i dont know how to fix it#im trying to engage with people. im trying ot take space. im trying but nothing is helping#and like im hormonal so i wanna cry about it today#and like this loneliness isnt for one reason only#there's no One Thing#but so so many things making me feel like i cant connect#and even wiht making progress and even with coping and even with reminidng myself its okay to just feel bad sometimes like#i want company. i dont want online company i want irl company. i want friends. and im so miserable about the fact that i struggle to#make irl friends - not bc im not a good friend!! honestly tehre's been plenty of opportunities for me to make friends is the worst part#between work; disabilities; energy; and like interests/things to talk about its really hard to make friends (and tbh the first three-#really are the biggest drains). and i love my online friends i do i jsut. miss them all so much when i talk too much and then it hurts more#and i lost a friend group recently so im feelng really out of place#nearly everyday for the last idk. 5 months i had a group of people going “hey. love you” (even if they didnt say it verbatim daily) and lik#im so sad! and the feelings are coming out today ig cause i havenothing to do at work so im just. here#but yeah - ik part of this grief im experiencing is YET AGAIN experiencing change and loss re:friendships bc of things largely out of my#control /: and every time this happens it just brings up every single wound#im talking with my therapist about it too i just. wish friends were more permanent in my life yk?#or at least that i had friends irl still /: but all my deepest connections are all So far away#and it hurts so much to miss ppl rn im just. isolating myself#but i dont awnt to TALK. i dont want to TEXT. i dont want to hang out on a vc. i awnt to be held and loved and just talked to about anythin#other than the stresses in peoples lives. i want people to infodump to me w/o me having to Beg or Engage Correctly#i want people to tell me about themselves. jsut fucking lore dump in my inbox. its not dumping. i dont care about trauma dumping. if you do#cw i guess i jsut. im so tired. im tired of the “haiiiiii love you!!!!!” i have to do over the keyboard to have social connections#im tired of being so disabled i cant make friends bc no one wants to be friends w/ me irl and all the reasons (“ur a flake” “u cancel plans#“u never want to go out” “u never have energy” “why do you disappear when you need to recharge it makes me feel bad?” etc etc etc) all#relate to me being disabled and like.i feel like the problem. my existence is a problem. and the worst part is all iwant to do is just.#go run errands with someone. do important tasks &get a little treat to celebrate after. go to the doctor. the hospital. wherever im allowed#i want ot be a PERSON#): i jsut miss my friends#and liek im going to a thing later this month to try and make friends irl even if its just exercise friends
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It has been the longest week and it’s not even over yet I’m gonna be so burned out next week
#Tuesday was prep for work event#Wednesday I got up at fuckin 4:45 and left home at 5:45 for said work event#which was a 3 hour drive#worked like 12+ hours#didn’t get home till 10pm#woke up early as fuck again this morning to go to my adhd appt 2 hours away#tomorrow I’m going back to work but I’m going in early so it’s gonna be another early day#plus therapy if therapist doesn’t cancel#lol#then on Saturday my bf made plans for us to hang out w his friend and his gf#which is fine it’s just I have to mentally prepare for it and honestly I feel spent and the week isn’t even over yet#:’)
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Turned 19 on the 20th this week and anyways imagine A BIRTHDAY WITH THE GHOST??? HELLOO?????
They’d all be so sweet about it- TvT like a lot of the gifts would be handmade definitely, that or it took them a while to find the perfect thing to get you while on the run / getting supplies and everything-
And the food?? Amazing-
Different types of food from different cultures and different planets-
It’d be so nice- TvT
#star wars rebels x reader#the ghost crew x reader#ezra bridger x reader#sabine wren x reader#hera syndulla x reader#kanan jarrus x reader#garazeb orrelios x reader#x reader#platonic!garazeb orrelios x reader#platonic!kanan jarrus x reader#platonic!hera syndulla x reader#platonic!ezra bridger x reader#platonic!sabine wren x reader#platonic!reader#platonic x reader#my birthday was nice but#plan w / friend was canceled#rest of friends back to college#siblings not there for it bc of school + at different parents’ houses#rain#headache for most of the morning#got a cool new sketchbook though- :00#no cake either bc money tight#held it together bc my mom wanted me to have a good day#still kinda sad about it tbh but it’s fine#i need to write more oml#work has me low on motivation and I am only working part time lmao
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#meg talks#it’s my birthday and i can’t sleep because my nerve pain is flaring up#and now my hands hurt too just bc i played a game on my switch for a while in lieu of all my bday plans getting canceled#and also our car got possibly totaled#ik ot’s whiny and there are more important things but god it’s getting hard to cope w even little things#when the physical pain just keeps getting worse and worse#well watever… happy birthday to me ill spend the day working more on my research project for palestine#and then have a friend over for dinner in the evening#it’ll be a good day <- pleading
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Sherlock Holmes adaptation but the mystery solving is the self destructive vice messing with his hobby of doing drugs
#bro gets so caught up he forgets to self medicate#& keeps cancelling plans w/ his friends#sherlock holmes#writing prompts
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I love when I get home from work and immediately lose all energy and get really cold and don't want to even do the things I enjoy because I'm so tired. Who out there gets me
#maybe its a good thing i had to cancel my weekend plans and then cancel my second weekend plans#i can keep up the momentum at work but when i get home i just lose all motivation to do anything#and tbh its kind of agonizing 🤪#honestly cant wait for my friend to move in w me#were both so depressed and have been living alone for the better part of a year#itll be nice to take the weight off of each others shoulders a bit#anyway. im so tired. i may just get something for dinner i dont want to make anything
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I'm debating if it would just be easier to get a whole new phone/phone number and just have my grandpa cancel my line once I get it
#the thing is ive had this number since i got my first phone#so i would have to contact a LOT of places about the updated number#including: literally any job ive applied for. health insurance. uni. ALL online accounts that ask for phone number. friends. banks.#but on the other hand. i KNOW my grandpa will make it as difficult as possible#as in: i will have to do everything myself if he agrees to let me remove my number from the line#he will complain every second of having to unlock it#and i will have to spend hours with that man figuring out how to remove the number#meanwhile. i COULD just go down to a provider and ask about getting a new phone.#get a new phone/phone plan for myself (bc i dont wanna stay w this provider it sucks). and just tell him to cancel my line#i could transfer everything over after getting the new line/before he cancels my old one so if anything needs a verification i can do it#just fine - especially the uni and bank stuff#or maybe wait until my semester starts and i have a job already so that if i do have any issues transferring stuff#my uni tech help is more likely to be open and if i have a job i could easily update my resume and just like#contact whoever im working for with updating the number#i might just do that actually#it will suck getting a whole new number tho bc my current number is so easy and again ive had it for years so it is ingrained in my mind#amber's shit you can ignore
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I’m the only one home tonight so I ordered myself sushi AND I’m making a big focking tray of brownies that I’m NOT gonna let chill before cutting into
#I was supposed to go out w friends tonight but none of us actually planned anything thru and I’m Not Complaining#would love to eat breakfast for dinner but also love cancelling plans tbqh#my parents went out to eat and my partner is getting dinner w their new coworkers#just me and the bois (almondmilk and my parents dog)#boys night in
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imagining my f/os taking care of me as i deal with a fucking excruciating migraine all day is, and continues to be, self-care
#eve speaks#thank god the pain has reduced somewhat bc holy fuck. i haven't been able to do anything today#had to cancel my plans to hang out w/a friend bc of this nonsense#i hate menstrual migraines dude. they suck ass#and i still feel queasy af so that's. swell. considering i still need to eat dinner and have zero desire to do so🙃
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