#physically abuse them and they develope a lot of mental health issues that makes it hard for them to keep friends

[avonne-writes]

High School AU - Timeline

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Year 9 Of High School

The boys meet on their first day of high school

Gale's growing out his hair to rebel against his dad

Bucky's eager to find new friends because Brady is the only one he knows

They're seated next to each other in one of their classes and become friends

They both think the other is cute and develop crushes on each other quickly

Bucky tells Brady and his mom everything about his crush

Gale doesn’t dare believe that Bucky likes him, he thinks they're just friends

Daydreams

But the way things develop during Christmas and New Year's Eve get his hopes up

Bucky makes a resolution to ask him out

They go on their first date in January

You don’t need wings to fly (drabble about their third date)

dive for dreams - chapter 1

Happiness, you’re a cat - part 1

Their relationship develops, but Gale keeps his family issues a secret, sometimes even lying

They fight about it and break up

But, upon his mom's (Georgia's) encouragement, Bucky approaches Gale again and they make up. Gale tells Bucky about his parents

Gale sleeps over at the Egans' place for the first time

Early relationship headcanons

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Year 10 Of High School

Someone catches them kissing in September (drabble - Truth or dare) and spreads the rumour around school

Since Bucky already wanted to come out anyway, he’s not worried or anything, and convinces Gale that it's fine

Bucky kisses Gale in the middle of the hallway

Bryan ("RAF prick" in the show) and his friends try to bully both of them but mostly Gale since he’s not on any popular sports team

Bucky and Curt track them down and get into a fistfight

Bucky gets suspended for a few days

dive for dreams - chapter 2

Gale gets mad at Bucky for drawing attention to them, but the bullying stops not too long after that fight

The boys get braver with the PDA over the course of the year

They also start exploring sexual intimacy gradually - Hands-on Biology

Around May or so, Georgia does a motorcycle course and meets Neil (Harding)

Bucky and Gale have their first time at the end of May/beginning of June

dive for dreams - chapter 3

They keep exploring new things about intimacy during the summer, taking advantage of having the house to themselves a bit more often because Georgia goes out with Neil

Nsfw headcanons

morning after drabble

Georgia introduces Neil to the boys. It takes some time but they warm up to him eventually

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Year 11 Of High School

The school year starts really well, it's a very happy period for them. Gale stays over every Saturday night, sometimes other nights too.

Gale has a platonic crush on a teacher

Lunch Break

Sweet Tooth

The first time Gale mentions he doesn’t want to have kids - You melt my heart

Gale spends Christmas Day and Boxing Day with Bucky and his family, including extended family

Words of Wisdom

Towards the end of spring, Gale’s dad relapses again and ends up in alcohol rehab. It really messes with Gale's emotions.

Gale starts going to the school psychologist, but his mental health gets worse. He develops the habit of going out alone in the evening and spends a lot of time in random parks, public libraries and the pool, when he's not with Bucky.

dive for dreams - chapter 4

Gale's dad comes out of rehab and promises to stay sober. The summer goes relatively well, Gale feels momentarily better

Gale bonds with Neil and asks him to teach him how to ride a motorbike

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Year 12 Of High School

Around October, Gale’s dad relapses again and physically abuses Gale

Broken Things (Gale almost commits suicide)

Bucky tries to help him cover up his bruises with his mom's makeup - drabble by @swifty-fox

Georgia and Neil talk to Gale, then also to his mom and get everyone to agree to Gale moving in with Bucky and Georgia

Gale has an emotional moment with his mom when they move his things

Georgia figures out a way to get Gale a therapist outside of school

Silence (Bucky and Gale talk about death)

Gale and Bucky get into arguments sometimes because Gale needs more space due to his vulnerable situation, but Bucky's triggered fear of abandonment wants to keep him close at all times. The fact that high school is coming to an end soon exacerbates it.

Gale and Georgia have an argument

dive for dreams - chapter 5

Gale's 18th birthday (drabble)

Gale starts getting better. He gets his motorcycle driver's license in secret, conspiring with Neil. He also starts working part-time to save up.

He offers Georgia to pay for his own food but he ends up with another long conversation where Georgia tries to make him understand that she does this for him out of love and doesn’t want him to feel like he owes her.

Conversely, Bucky starts getting worse as the end of the school year approaches. He’s scared that he’s going to lose Gale because they will be going to college. He gets really clingy and irrational.

Leaving

What touches linger by @hogans-heroes

Mid-spring, Gale borrows a bike from Neil and takes Bucky on a surprise date. They end up sitting in the grass somewhere and have a serious talk about the future. Gale tells Bucky that he needs to do something about his attachment issues. Bucky agrees, feeling bad, but reassured about their college plans.

Pre-prom drabble

They go to prom together:

Prom night drabble

They spend the summer hanging out with their friends

They get into different colleges but in the same city.

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First Year of College

Gale cuts his hair. To him, it's not just a sign of change but a symbol of his freedom from his father's dark shadow

He and Bucky move in together into a small apartment

Gale switches to calling Bucky John because it carries more emotion and connection to him

Although they’ve been living together since the previous fall, this is different, and only now do they learn a lot of things about each other. Like how bad Gale is at decoration, what triggers him and what bothers Bucky

There’s a lot of friction between them during their first semester, and they get close to breaking up, but eventually, they start communicating the right way and address their biggest problems

Basically, their relationship needs to shift into a mature adult relationship. It takes some time but they succeed (see - college transition headcanons + sexual issues headcanons)

dive for dreams - chapter 6

Gale blossoms at university

He and Bucky enter a steady and happy phase in their lives.

Gale wearing Bucky's soccer jersey

Later Life

Bucky faces the source of his fear of abandonment - his father. He goes through a lot of personal development (some headcanons + another post)

Happiness, you’re a cat - part 2 (when they’re 21)

Bucky asks Gale to marry him after their 3rd year of college - my world, my true

They get married about a year later. (wedding headcanons)

Gale studies Physics and does part of his Master's/doctorate course abroad. He and Bucky call almost every day, but Bucky still misses him a lot. (some headcanons about this, + more headcanons)

Later, Bucky claims that their reunion at the end of the programme was almost as happy as their wedding day.

Gale dedicates his PhD thesis to Bucky.

Georgia and Neil get married and she takes his name.

Headcanons about the boys' jobs after university

When they're 30, Gale has something of a mid-life crisis because Bucky realizes that having kids is more important to him than he originally thought.

During the above situation, their relationship gets really tense and strained, and they fight a lot. Gale antagonizes Bucky. (argument headcanons, more headcanons about their fight)

However, they do figure it out eventually, and they build a happy future together.

Gale's NASA ID situation

A few thoughts about their last moments together.

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A/N:

Thank you if you got this far! 🩷 This timeline post will be continuously updated as new stories and drabbles are posted. It will be linked in my masterpost.

TLDR - Chronological Reading Order:

Daydreams

You don’t need wings to fly

dive for dreams - chapter 1

Happiness, you’re a cat - part 1

First sleepover

Truth or dare

dive for dreams - chapter 2

Hands-on Biology

dive for dreams - chapter 3

morning after drabble

Lunch Break

Sweet Tooth

You melt my heart

Words of Wisdom

dive for dreams - chapter 4

Broken Things

swifty-fox's drabble

Silence

dive for dreams - chapter 5

Gale's 18th birthday drabble

Leaving

What touches linger by hogans-heroes

pre-prom drabble

prom night drabble

dive for dreams - chapter 6

Short college morning drabble

Happiness, you’re a cat - part 2

my world, my true

Thank you so much for reading this AU! You can find more headcanons on my blog under #hs au 😊

Moodboards and gifs 💕

Gifset by @carnevol

Moodboard by @hogans-heroes

Moodboard by @bucking-mustangs-with-wings

Fanart by @swifty-fox

[chimcess]

Waterlog || pjm (3)

Pairing: Jimin x Reader Other tags: Olympic Swimmer!Jimin, Ex Olympic Swimmer! Reader, Swim Coach!Reader Genre: Strangers to Friends to Lovers!AU, Coach!AU, Swimming!AU, HEAVY Angst, Slow Burn, Mutual Pining, fluff, eventual smut, I'm so soft for these two it's crazy. Word Count: 12.2k+ Synopsis: After a car accident ends her athletic career, Y/N has slowly started rebuilding her life again as a high school swim coach. That’s until she gets a request from an old friend and finds herself back in the spotlight as the new coach of Olympic swimmer, Park Jimin. Warnings: toxic relationship (not reader and jimin), arguments, cheating (not reader and jimin), talks about previous child abuse, anxiety attack, strong language, crying, emotional abuse (not reader and jimin), talks of bad parental relationships, abandonment issues, some PTSD, prescription medication use, mentions of depression and mental health, lots of angst in this one, finally making some progress though, age insecurity, mutual pining, lots of side character development in this one, they really are so sweet together, jimin just being the nicest boy in the world, so much PDA, physical touch is his love language 👀👀👀, writing this is so comforting even when its angsty lol, i think that's it, let me know if I missed something A/N: Hello hello. Probably my favorite chapter to date. Bad news is that I think this series might be a little longer than originally intended. My inability to just get to the point has things moving a little slow, but I'm trying my best. We'll have to see, though! Hope you enjoy reading :)

prev || masterlist || next || playlist

Time went by quickly. Wednesday and Friday morning, Jimin and I met up to train for a few hours and then got breakfast together. When he asked if I wanted to work out with him in the evenings, I agreed. In the beginning, I had given him pointers, but after the second week came to a close, we had started exercising in silence. We spotted one another, made small talk, and went to dinner on the nights he did not go home to be with his parents. We got along and I was happy my overwhelming attraction to him had slowly calmed down.

I was still aware of his presence, the way he smelled, and how often he smiled and laughed, but I had grown used to seeing him walking around in barely anything at all. Hoseok called me a cougar whenever we had time to chat while Andy kept telling me to talk with Jimin about how I felt, but I had gotten very good at deflecting. Things were better and I was taking my wins whenever I could get them. Even if those wins meant I went home sexually frustrated and aching for someone to make it better.

Jimin was packing up for the night and I was getting ready to head out. He had plans with a large group of his friends, so I would have to figure out dinner by myself this time. He invited me but I politely declined. I could vaguely recall how rude his friends from that restaurant had been, and that one girl's mean glare. I had no interest in repeating that.

Giselle waved at me on her way out which I returned with a smile. She was a very sweet, college girl and getting to know her was fun. Her brother moved out here six years ago and was the only reason she left Memphis. In-State tuition and a rent-free bedroom was all it took to convince her to spend some quality time with her big brother and his dog, Lucky.

She and Sam were the closest, but I would often see her eating lunch with Megan when he was with a client. Everyone was making bets on when they would eventually hook up, but I was convinced that had already happened and they were keeping it a secret from the nosy staff.

"See you tomorrow," Yoongi called out from across the room, seemingly appearing out of thin air.

He was out of eyesight before I could reply.

"Bye Yoon," Giselle sing-songed anyway, shoving her ear buds in and leaving before the door could close behind Yoongi. "Night guys!"

As the young woman said, Yoongi and Megan were the two most important people to befriend. Not just for massages either. The both of them were hilarious and kept the back fridge stocked with our favorite snacks. On the mornings I did not have time to eat breakfast, Megan stopped and got me a muffin and coffee from her favorite cafe. If I needed someone to help me out in the pool, Yoongi was always happy to offer himself for the job. It was challenging for me to focus on my swimming when Jimin was around, and I would often come in early to get a quick work out in before he got here.

“You okay getting home?” Jimin asked.

We had come together tonight, and he had offered to drive us in his truck. I had grown very fond of the green machine, which Jimin affectionately called Fiona, and I jumped at the chance to get in his passenger seat. We were usually riding around in my car since it was better on gas.

“Yeah, I’m riding with Sam.”

Sam and I had grown close as well. He was super funny and always down to hang out with me if I showed up by myself. On the odd Sunday I felt like getting out of the house, I found myself at the gym with Sam. I was currently attempting to teach him how to swim and always filled in for Yoongi on the weekends.

Jimin nodded, “Good. See you this weekend?”

I smiled, “Can’t miss your big party.”

Jimin’s 24th birthday was on the 13th and his family liked to go big. Eloise was clearing out an entire section in their restaurant for all of us, and I had found myself teamed up with Taehyung to help with the planning. Na-Yeon put everything in his hands since she was not feeling up to the task this year. I only agreed to help when I realized just how overboard the snowboarder would go if no one was there to reel him back in. So far, I had placed the responsibility of decorating, music, and organizing the gift table on my shoulders. James had pulled me aside and thanked me when he found out. Apparently, he was also worried about Taehyung’s enthusiasm. 

“It should be fun,” He nodded. “I’m going to head out.”

“See you tomorrow,” We had finally started coming 5 days a week. "We're working on your turns. Butterflies, too. Be prepared.”

He groaned, “You’re torturing me, coach.”

I laughed, “Is the baby upset?”

“Very,” He winked. My mouth went dry. Sometimes I felt silly for getting nervous around him, especially when I knew he flirted with everyone. I was not special. “See you Saturday.”

“Yeah,” I mumbled as I stared at his retreating back. “See you.”

Jimin’s birthday passed quietly. We had a great time and ate well. Taehyung got drunk enough to suggest karaoke once we cleared out the place for the night, and he and Na-yeon had all of us cracking up. I finally met Jungkook’s girlfriend, a pretty girl who did not talk very much, and I could feel the tension between the two of them. Jimin said that was just how they were and to ignore it.

After Jungkook successfully shoved Jimin's face into his cake, we opened presents. The boys got him tons of workout clothes and gear, Eloise bought him a new blender, and his parents both chipped in to get the new video game he had been talking about picking up.

I gifted him a bottle of his favorite cologne after Na-Yeon mentioned he was out. Jo Malone was the most distracting thing in my life right now, its scent clinging to the passenger side of my car most days and driving me insane if Jimin stood too close. Still, it was something I did not think I could part with now. Jimin was happy with the present and hugged me after opening it. I was positive I had this stupid grin on my face for the rest of the night.

By Halloween we were in the gym every day, save Sunday and the occasional Saturday when Jimin needed some time to rest. We both kept our word, our conversation at the restaurant we went to with Jungkook and Taehyung sticking better than I thought it would. Overtime he got more confident when asking for a break and I was a professional at picking up on his body language. We were a good team, and I was confident he would be in great shape for the Olympics.

It was mid-November now and Taehyung had finally gotten around to getting us together for the sushi date in Detroit. I had just gotten out of the shower when Jimin messaged he was going to come along. His mom had a rough Sunday and could not go to their usual dance class, so he had stayed with her instead. He looked worn out when he walked inside the pool room Monday morning so instead of training, I just sent him home. We were meeting back up on Wednesday to get back to work, but it seemed Jungkook’s nagging finally convinced him to come out with the rest of us.

My relationships with his friends had also started to improve. Taehyung had added me to their group chat a few weeks back and I had tried to keep up with them as often as I could remember to. It was not difficult. They text so often I had to silence notifications for the chat, but I had to admit they were really funny. Jungkook especially.

I was happy to spend time with everyone and getting out of the house sounded nice. Violet and Calvin were great, and I did enjoy eating dinner with them sometimes, but I would be lying if I said they would be my first choice to spend time with.

I had grown close enough with Taehyung during the partying planning that his bubbly, over the top personality had become more endearing than overwhelming. We had gone to lunch a few times together, his boldness only increasing with each meet up, and he could hold me hostage for hours if I let him. Milo was typically my saving grace, and Taehyung would leave with a wet kiss to my cheek and promises of the same time next week.

Tae: Y/N should pick you up

Jimin: Why???

Kookie: Your truck is ass

I chuckled and sent off a text of my own before going to my dresser to find something warm to wear. 

Me: I don’t mind driving

Me: Don’t hate on the truck. I like it.

My phone chimed a few times but I ignored it for now. I knew I wanted to wear a pair of dark, navy jeans. It was freezing outside so a long sleeve was a must, but I could get away with just two layers. My hands found a mustard-yellow turtleneck and I smiled. I could wear my brown boots with it. Happy with my outfit, I checked on the chat.

Jimin: U sure?

Tae: The truck is GREEN

Tae: Already a crime

Kookie: It can’t go over 60

Darcy: omg stop blowing my phone up 

Darcy: just ride with her dude

Jimin: Y/N?

I rolled my eyes. I hated when he did that. Jimin had the habit of double and triple checking in with someone. It was sweet but it also drove me insane. There was nothing more I disliked than repeating myself, especially if I already agreed to something. 

Me: I’ll pick you up in 30, k?

Jimin: Thanks

Darcy: Was that so hard?

I frowned. So, Darcy was in a bad mood then. Shouldn't take it out on Jimin, I thought. Even if she was having a bad day, something that seemed to be a reoccurring theme with her, it doesn't mean she can just talk to people like that. Fighting the urge to give into my annoyance and call her out, I tossed my phone on my bed and made myself finish getting ready.

Walking into the living room, I went on a hunt for the jacket I wanted to wear. It was the same color as my leather boots with sherpa trim. It would tie everything together and, I hoped, would keep Taehyung from complaining too much about the “offensive” color of my shirt. He had a hard time accepting anything in the yellow or green family. Finding it on the sofa, I nodded and left it be. I would grab it on my way out. 

It took me more time to get my hair figured out than anything, but once I gave up and did the same thing that I did every day, it worked itself. After that, I put on a little bit of makeup since I figured it would not take me very long. This was a casual outing with friends and the dim lights of the sushi place would give me some grace if things were not perfect. A nice base, simple eye look, and a layer of mascara already had me looking more awake than I had in months. After applying a layer of lip gloss and a misting of setting spray, I was out of the door, jacket keeping me warm, and purse tucked under my arm. 

I drove in silence, like I always did, and pulled onto the curb of Jimin’s house. Sending a text to the chat, I waited for him to come out. I was a few minutes later than I said I would be, but Jimin found a way to be late for everything, so I did not feel that bad about it. Taehyung and Milo were already on leaving Ann Arbor, and Jungkook and Darcy riding with them. They would only beat us there by fifteen minutes or so, but I hoped he would hurry up and come outside. Taehyung worked hard for those reservations.

My phone vibrated and I stared at the little device in my cup holder. It was weird how my anxiety fluctuated on a daily basis. Back home, I could talk on the phone and hold a conversation behind the wheel, but ever since I came to Michigan it felt like I had taken three massive steps back. Taking a few deep breaths, I told myself that I was safe. I was parked, completely stationary, and no one was around. No traffic meant no accidents. Sucking in a harsh breath, I picked it up.

Jimin: Be out in a sec

Jimin: Just making sure mom is okay

He had not left his mother’s house in days. I was worried about Na-Yeon, but I had to believe that Jimin would tell me if something was seriously wrong with her. I had truly started to feel connected with the woman. We joked over dinner and I found myself helping her out more and more each time I came by. It would devastate me if she passed away without me knowing how bad it had gotten. 

Me: Take your time

He came out only two minutes later. Wearing a heavy, black puffy jacket and tight pants, Jimin leisurely walked over and got into the car. His cologne hit me as soon as the door opened, and I bit my lip, trying to hide the deep inhale I took. Jo fucking Malone.

He smiled at me but otherwise kept quiet as I drove. He knew I had a difficult time behind the wheel and tried his best to keep conversation light. While I normally appreciated the sentiment, I did not want to make him sit in silence for 45 minutes. Opening and closing my mouth a few times, I struggled to come up with a good conversation topic.

We often bounced from idea to idea, mostly sticking to swimming and music, and I always found our little talks to be very insightful. Movies and tv shows had been fun to bond over, a small generational gap introducing us to shit we had never heard of before. There were so many things I could bring up, things that Jimin would jump at the idea to talk about. Still, I could not find my voice.

“So,” I started, awkwardly, trying to push past the blockade of anxiety. “Is this place as good as Tae says or is he going off on one of his rants again?”

Jimin chuckled softly. “It’s pretty good, but it’s still just sushi. Taehyung finds a way to make everything sound extravagant.”

We shared a quiet laugh. 

“It was nice of him to invite me,” My hands gripped the wheel tighter. We were starting to approach more populated areas. “He didn’t have to do that.”

Jimin snorted childishly, the sound relaxing me ever so slightly. If there was one thing I hated was driving at night. I was lucky the snow had stopped falling yesterday afternoon and the roads were clear, but a part of me wished I had asked Jimin to drive.

Traffic in Saline was lighter than any town back in Colorado, and driving around was a breeze in comparison. At home, you were lucky if there was only one accident a day, but more times than not I had been stuck on the interstate for hours because of multiple car crashes. Michigan felt less hectic; safer. Not safe enough to let my guard down, but safe enough to listen to Jimin when he spoke.

“Taehyung is just that kind of guy.”

I nodded; eyes glued to the road. I wanted to say something and keep our conversation flowing, but the more cars around us the more I tuned him out. My eyes flickered between my rearview mirror, side mirrors, and windshield rapidly as I drove. Once we were out of Saline and on I-94, I loosened my grip on the wheel. We would not hit much traffic until we were closer to Detroit.

Jimin stayed quiet and looked out the window. I wanted to thank him for being so understanding, but I knew he would not want me to. I kept my thoughts to myself and focused on the road. Jimin began to hum an unfamiliar tune.

My hands were shaking when we pulled up to the restaurant. Traffic had gotten pretty bad coming into the city, but we had picked a good day to come out. Jimin hummed and sang underneath his breath for most of the car ride, and we had a few small sporadic conversations when I felt the knots in my stomach loosen for a few brief moments.

"It's been forever since I've come here," Jimin said to himself, going to unbuckle his seat belt. "It looks pretty filled up."

Bash was a sushi place across from Wayne State University's football field and was one Taehyung’s favorite restaurants. He bragged about how delicious their food was for weeks before finally wearing me down with the promise of picking up the tab. He made reservations for their omakase, or “chef’s choice,” and promised I would get his obsession.

When I talked to Megan about it, she had said it was an expensive meal, so I was going to try and force myself to enjoy it regardless of my own personal feelings. Jimin seemed to like it here, and we usually enjoyed a lot of the same foods, so it made me feel a bit better about things.

I had to park down the street and spotted Taehyung’s Mazda a few cars away. Instead of getting out, I took a few moments to gather my composure. Jimin sat beside me patiently. He had grown used to my traffic anxiety. We had driven together so many times now, and he had gotten a taste of the worst of it a handful of times.

He had only asked about it the first time we rode to the gym together, completely frazzled and unsure of himself as I hyperventilated in the driver's seat. My hands trembled violently as my palms sweat profusely, and I let myself shed a few tears once we were parked. He reached out, placing a hand on my back, and quietly asked me what was bothering me.

“Red light,” I managed to wheeze out. They were doing some construction on the main road and things started piling up. I had gotten stuck in the intersection for just a few seconds, but it was long enough to send me into a blind panic. “Anxiety. Sorry. Need a minute.”

He helped me calm down, calming down to help me through my panic attack. We played a game of I-Spy, Jimin picking out the most obvious shit and saying the most random things to point out in order to make me laugh. When I felt a little better, he got out of the car to help me get out. After that he kept quiet about my obvious driving discomforts, but stuck close just in case I needed the support, and always offered to drive.

“Ready?” He asked when I grabbed my phone out of the cup holder.

“Yeah.”

We walked inside and the hostess made light conversation while she walked us to the back. Taehyung's laugh could be heard from the other side of the room, and his bright blue hair and vibrant eyeshadow stuck out like a sore thumb in this place. Milo was dressed in all black, his arm draped around his fiancé's shoulder, and a smile on his face. Jungkook was beside him scrolling through his phone, but Darcy was nowhere in sight. Glancing at Jimin, he seemed exasperated.

“Trouble in paradise,” He murmured, leaning down so I could hear him. I had to imagine their relationship was very exhausting and took its toll on their friend group. I knew how much it sucked being caught between Tilly and Hobi back in the day. “Here we fucking go.”

Taehyung jumped out of the booth when he caught sight of us, his fluffy, white cropped top riding up, revealing even more of his tanned skin. The snowboarder wrapped his arms around my waist and snuggled my hairline, showering me in compliments. Gold hoop earrings tapped my forehead, and his belly button ring was cold against my ribcage. He was happy to see me “dolled up” for once and forgave how ugly my shirt was since I looked “so cute.”

Milo gave me a slight wave, eyes never leaving Taehyung's bouncing body as he embraced Jimin, and Jungkook put his phone down to greet us. Darcy had gone to the bathroom and from the look on Milo’s face, Jimin’s was right about trouble in paradise. Whatever was going on, we were all about to fall witness. It made my stomach churn just thinking about it.

Our waitress brought a new pot of tea, asking us if we needed anything, before leaving with the promise of the first course coming out soon. Darcy almost slammed into the poor woman on her way back to our booth, her annoyed huff making the hair on the back of my neck stand up. When she sat down beside her boyfriend her entire body was rigged and face pulled together tightly. She did not spare us a glance as she sulked.

Darcy was a very beautiful girl and it made sense why Jungkook liked her so much. Tanned skin, green eyes, and black hair, the girl had one of those bodies most women would pay thousands of dollars for. Like Taehyung had said, she was a pleasant enough person, and we did not along well enough to hold a conversation, but there was no hiding the fact that Darcy was not a nice girl. In fact, I would venture to say she was very, very mean.

I saw it firsthand at Jimin’s birthday party. I had a moment where I felt myself panicking. Overwhelmed with all of the noise and people, I excused myself and called Andy to get my head back on straight. The women's restroom was tucked away in a small hallway and allowed me the space to shed a few tears. I was just starting to calm down, Andy's words of encouragement getting back to some sort of baseline, while I rubbed cold water on my neck. That was when I heard Jungkook on the other side of the door.

He was angry and when I told Andy I needed to go, I had every intention of going out there to talk to him, but another voice beat me to it. Darcy had been in a bad mood since she walked through the front door, her shitty attitude bringing down the party every time she opened her mouth. At first, I just brushed it off as an off night, something I could feel empathy towards, but then she opened her mouth and stopped those thoughts in their tracks.

The two of them were serial cheaters, and Jimin had alluded to that being their main issue when I asked about her attitude problem earlier that night. Eloise was the person who gave me the whole story and was not afraid to voice her dislike for the older girl. This was different from Milo, a guy who she clashed with due to their night and day personalities. Darcy had actively picked on and made fun of her growing up, and bullied her older sister while they were in school together.

Darcy, according to Eloise, started the back-and-forth cheating when they were in college. Instead of going their separate ways, something I doubt anyone would have blamed Jungkook for doing, he chose to get even. After fucking one of her sorority sisters, Jungkook made his way through the entire house within the span of three months. In retaliation, Darcy slept with a couple of guys from the NHL, something she still did to this day.

On the night of the party, she was still fuming over catching him with another woman a few days prior. Trapped in the bathroom and too afraid to let them know I could hear them; I suffered through five minutes of a couple’s quarrel I had no business being in the middle of. It was an eye opener for sure and made me avoid getting too close to either of them.

Darcy was very mean and spiteful, her words meant to cut him deeply with little care about how it would make him feel in the long run. She even brought up screwing one of his rivals to get back at him, something she had done on numerous occasions, and went as far as to compare the two men in bed. It helped to explain why Jungkook hated Jackson Wang so much.

Jungkook, despite how much I enjoyed him as an individual, was just as awful. He spent most of the argument defending his bad behavior by bringing up her own and took no accountability for his actions. He could have sex with all of Michigan and it would be justified because she cheated on him first. It was all very juvenile, and I tried my best to avoid them for the rest of the night.

“Bet they can’t go ten minutes without fighting,” Jimin mumbled in my ear.

I fought back a smile, leaning into his side. Physical touch was the swimmer’s love language and I had slowly grown accustomed to small touches here and there. So, it did not catch me off guard when his arm came around my shoulders, resting just above my head, hand gently brushing against my neck. The voice in my head often wished he would do it more often.

“She won’t start something before the food gets here,” I reasoned, stealing a look at the couple. Jungkook seemed fine, but from the look on Darcy’s face that might change soon. “I’ll say twenty.”

“What are we bargaining for?”

I laughed awkwardly, “Whatever you want.”

Taking a second to think, Jimin eyed the couple across the table. Taehyung and Milo were obviously extremely aware of the couple's awkward tension and tactfully ignored them, instead giggling about some inside joke. They were a very sweet pair. My weariness about Milo had dissipated over the last few weeks, but I could understand why he and Eloise could not get along.

Lou herself had admitted to being a bit of a stuck-up teenager back in the day, and Milo was the typical small-town stoner. They constantly butt heads when they were in high school, and just drifted apart with age. Taehyung and Jimin's friendship were the only reason they were in the same circle anymore, and the two just never spoke to avoid pressing buttons.

“I want to do something together,” Jimin finally said, I smiled, trying to ignore the snarky comments Darcy was making. The arguing was starting, and I felt my neck growing hot. Did they have to do this in public? “Get dinner or something.”

“We do that all the time,” I countered, half-heartedly paying attention to him.

“Denny’s doesn’t count," He mumbled.

The waitress finally came back with a large tray of sushi in her hand. That seemed to break up the argument momentarily, but Darcy did not seem pleased to be interrupted. Stuffing a large piece of ahi sashimi in my mouth, I sparked up a conversation with Taehyung to keep myself from having another meltdown. Beside him, Milo sent me a grateful look.

The rest of the table was silent, waiting for the fight to resume. Taehyung kept smiling painfully, but I could see the panic bubbling in his eyes, and for once I saw a small crack in his otherwise well-crafted facade. 

“I didn’t mean just getting food,” Jimin finally continued when we hit a lull, and it took me a few seconds to remember what he was talking about. “I meant… going out.”

I looked at him, eyebrow raised. His cheeks were puffed with scallops and I wished we were alone. This was not a conversation I wanted to have in front of the others, especially if he was insinuating what I thought he was. I did not want to jump to conclusions, but I was sure he was asking me out on a date. Even if it made me feel jittery thinking about it, I had a difficult time finding the voice to say yes. Saying no felt just as impossible, though, and I wished he would have picked a better time to bring this up. Whatever the hell this was.

“What are you asking me?” I whispered, taking another piece of fish off my plate, sneaking a look at Taehyung and Milo.

They were too wrapped up in one another to being listening in on us. I did not even bother checking in with the other two. I knew for a fact they did not care about anybody else but themselves.

“You know,” He replied.

Dating was not off the table, and I was more than happy to indulge myself, but I was worried about crossing this invisible line I had drawn. What would people say if they found out? A coach and her trainee, and even worse, the older woman and her much younger man. I could see the headlines now and it made my palms sticky. That would not be a good look for either one of us, and I did not want our personal relationship to affect Jimin’s career.

Putting my chopsticks down, I leaned away from him. “Can we talk about this later?”

He nodded, meeting my eyes, and I was relieved to see he was not upset. I had seen him angry a few times now, and he wore it on his sleeve with pride. Jimin was not afraid of his emotions, something I found extremely attractive, and it was nice that all I could see right now was understanding. Whatever happened he would hear me out, and I had to hope he would be understanding. I just had to be sure I did not fuck anything up.

Across the table the bickering had started again. Our waitress brought out the rest of our meal, sans desert, and seemed happy we were enjoying the food. She eyed Darcy wearily and left our table in a hurry. I felt horrible for the wait staff who had come to our table. They were all getting the nastiest looks from the dark haired beauty.

“Do we really have to do this now?” Jungkook sighed, running a hand through his hair roughly. His face was red and expression tight. “In front of my friends, dude? Are you serious?”

I cleared my throat, grabbed my tea and took a long sip before sinking into the booth and praying no one could see me. Jimin’s arm dropped, and he squeezed my shoulder in comfort. I let myself melt under his touch. It always felt nice when his hands were on me, his warmth burning hot like a furnace even in below freezing temperatures. Taehyung’s eyes were bulging out of his head now, his bottom lip trembling as he tried his best to keep the conversation between the four of us light. He had stopped trying to include the other two.

“You two seem close,” He gritted, fakeness coming from him that I had never encountered before. “Glad you were able to sort that out.”

I looked over at Jimin and saw his cheeks had gone pink. So, Taehyung knew something I didn’t. It would make sense for the childhood best friend to get the scoop before the chick he’s known for two months, I had definitely vented to my friends on more than one occasion, and my curiosity was peaked.

“I'm working on it,” Jimin replied, taking a big gulp of water. “Thanks, Tae," He breathed, rolling his eyes.

I stifled a laugh. He was so cute when he was embarrassed. I made a mental note to ask Tae to explain what he meant when we had a chance to get lunch. I had a feeling the snowboarder would be more than happy to divulge that little piece of information. 

“Talking about me to your friends?” I teased, trying my best to ignore the ever-growing argument across from me. The butterflies in my stomach were a helpful distraction. “Good things, I hope.”

He cracked a smile, face and neck flushed. “The best things.”

Such a flirt.

I bit my lip and looked away. Eating was a nice way to interrupt the electricity that was enveloping us, and I gorged myself on octopus and tuna. Whatever the hell these dishes were, I had to admit the sushi here was the best I had ever had. I would never doubt a recommendation from Taehyung again.

The conversation started flowing easily after that. Jungkook and Darcy were at a stalemate and were relatively quiet on their side of the booth. With the atmosphere lightening, Milo felt good enough to start telling us his latest work stories. He was a firefighter along with all three of his brothers. His father was promoted to chief about five years ago but was coming up to his retirement. The only one of his siblings to avoid the fireman fate was his baby sister, but had still managed to find a job at the station.

"You guys must be close," I laughed in disbelief.

“It’s the family business,” He joked. "Rosie is our new EMT."

Taehyung spoke excitedly about his upcoming competitions and was really hopeful he would win enough to qualify for the Olympics this year. Milo and Jimin both reassured him multiple times while I tried my best to keep up with everything he was talking about. I had very little knowledge of snowboarding, so I was having to constantly interrupt and ask for clarification. No one seemed to mind, and eventually Jungkook joined in to talk about his upcoming hockey games.

The Red Wings were having a good year, and he was proud of his team for working as hard as they did. As a goalie, he did not do a lot of skating, but his job was one of the hardest on the team. From what I knew after watching a few games on tv with Jimin's family, Jungkook was one of the best goalies in the NHL who was highly sought after. He had been offered millions to transfer to the New York Rangers, but out of loyalty he turned them down.

“I’ll take you to a few matches if you want,” Jimin offered. “Kook can get us tickets whenever.”

I smiled, “That sounds like fun.”

“Milo and I go all of the time so we can sit together,” Taehyung interjected, his shoulders relaxed for the first time since we got here.

Darcy was quiet and stayed on her phone. Jungkook was pretending she was not here, and it helped keep the arguing from starting again. I was not sure how long the truce would last, but I hoped they could hold it together long enough for us to finish eating.

“So Y/N,” Milo mused, taking a piece of fish from Taehyung’s plate. “Have you ever thought about competing again?”

I laughed nervously, “For a time, maybe. My injuries make it hard for me to swim the way I used to so I decided to keep it as a hobby.”

It was not a complete lie, but I knew I might be able to get back into competitions if I put in the time and effort. I hated the thought of being back in the spotlight, cameras shoved in my face, only to lose and give them more to talk about. I was still recovering from the trauma they inflicted on me after the accident. My leg injuries just gave me the perfect excuse to keep my distance.

He nodded, eyebrows knitted, “I didn’t know you had medical leave. What happened?”

Jimin tensed up beside me. 

“I was in a car accident,” I replied. Talking about what happened did not bother me as much as it used to, and Milo seemed genuinely interested in the answer. “I had to get a full knee replacement on my left side, and a full hip replacement. I should have lost my leg, but the doctor on staff recognized me and brought up my profession.”

Milo whistled, giving me a sympathetic look. “Leg? You could have died.”

“Well,” I breathed, finishing off my last piece of fish. “I pulled through though, so it wasn’t all bad.” I fiddled with my shirt, pretending to smooth it down as I played it cool. "Anyway, I have nerve damage in my leg that makes me get really horrible cramps and twitching if I overwork my muscles. It sucks but coaching is really fun, so I can't complain."

Blatantly lying wasn't something I did often, but I truly hated reliving the months of physical therapy. Unable to walk or talk, I was stuck in that hospital bed for weeks and then got sent home to watch my closest friends wait on me hand-and-foot. When I wasn’t in physical therapy, I was with my SLP. When I wasn’t with her then I was in bed, crying into my pillow, and wishing I had never woken up. It was an extremely dark time in my life, one filled with chronic pain and overwhelming depression, and talking about it made me emotional. 

“Anyway,” Taehyung sent his fiancé a pointed look. “Kookie’s next home game is in two weeks.”

Happy to be out of the spotlight, I began to talk with Jimin about changing our schedule around so we could attend the game. Taehyung was excited to get me some Red Wing merchandise, and Jungkook quickly began to boast about his prowess on the ice. Darcy scoffed beside him and I felt the group tense up.

“You’re so cocky, Ian,” She taunted, eyes glued to her phone. “I heard Avalanche was doing really well this season.”

I knew from the group chat that the Red Wings and the Colorado Avalanche had a long-standing rivalry. It had started all the way back in the mid-90’s and reached its peak in 2002. While the intensity had dissipated over the years, it had recently spiked up again due to Jungkook and Jackson Wang’s ongoing feud. The only reason Darcy would bring that up would be to piss her boyfriend off. 

“Hm,” Jungkook smirked, chuckling darkly. “Who told you that?”

I held my breath, already guessing where this was going. The tension from earlier was thicker than ever as we fell silent. Darcy put her phone on the table, flipped her hair over her shoulder, and looked Jungkook in the face as she replied.

“Jackson.”

It was dead silent for a few seconds. Then, without waiting for a response, Darcy kept digging the knife in and twisting. She called him ugly, said he sucked in bed, brought up all of the ways Jackson was better than he was, and went as far as to bring up his father's affair. Jungkook could not get a word in as her silky voice dropped lower and lower, words cutting deeper and deeper, and eyes growing brighter as she watched his expression fall. I learned something tonight. Darcy enjoyed hurting Jungkook.

"Why are you doing this, dude?" Jungkook's voice was thick with emotion. "You're acting like a fucking child. It's embarrassing."

“Holy shit,” Milo groaned as their voices got louder. “Are they being forreal right now?”

“Babe,” Taehyung scolded, the forced smile still plastered on his face. “Language.”

“You weren’t embarrassed when you fucked that girl” Darcy screamed and I felt my stomach twist uncomfortably. “Why should I feel bad about airing out my dirty laundry? Everyone here knows how much of a whore I am anyway, isn’t that right, Ian?”

“Keep your voice down,” Jungkook hissed, eyes glassy. “You’re causing a scene.”

Taehyung and Milo looked as mortified as I felt, both of them staring at Darcy in horror. The entire restaurant had gone silent. Eyes were glued to our table as they argued. She shouted about him getting his dick sucked in their bed, and Jungkook was just angry she was acting like this in public. It was Jimin’s birthday all over again only this time they knew people were watching and did not care. Taehyung’s smile was finally gone and replaced by trembling lips and fidgeting hands.

“Take that shit outside,” Jimin cut in, voice cold and hard. Darcy glared daggers in our direction. “You’re going to get us kicked out.”

Darcy opened her mouth to argue but was interrupted by the waitress coming back and demanding our party leave. Taehyung began to apologize profusely while Darcy stormed out of the restaurant, bumping into numerous people roughly without looking back. Jungkook was hot on her heels, breathing heavily, and eyes glossed over with unshed tears. She shouted that Jackson was outside and for Jungkook to go fuck himself. Jungkook didn’t reply but I knew he was not expecting the other man to be here. I sure the fuck wasn't.

An arm wrapped around my shoulders, “Hey, calm down. Breathe.”

I had not realized I had been holding my breath. Turning my head, I was taken aback by how close Jimin was. Our noses brushed together, his breath hot against my cheek, and I jerked away, heart racing. The butterflies were swarming now, and a shiver went down my spine. His arm dropped and I immediately missed its warmth. Flustered, I scooted out of the booth and kept my head hung low. I was so embarrassed, and I could hear Taehyung’s voice starting to wobble as he handed over some cash to the waitress for the trouble. No one was going home happy tonight. 

“I’m so fucking pissed off,” Jimin grunted, keeping in step with me. Milo was attempting to get a now hysterical Taehyung calmed as they followed behind us. “I don’t know why Tae invites the two of them anywhere.”

I shook my head, “It’s not his fault. She needs to get some self-control, though. That was so rude and uncalled for, and for what?"

“They both owe him a fucking apology,” He sighed harshly.

The guests of honor were already in a very heated screaming match when we finally made it outside. Whatever had been brewing inside had clearly reached its peak, and neither one of them was willing to back down. Jimin’s arm was back around my shoulders as he tried his best to shelter me from the strong winds that were kicking up. Looking at Darcy and Jungkook all I could see were my parents and it caused me great discomfort. Maybe I should try to call my dad again and make sure he was alright? He rarely answered but at least it would cut some of the edge off of my anxiety.

“Why are you acting like this?” Jungkook shouted, pulling at his hair. “What the fuck is wrong with you, dude?”

“You!” Darcy shrieked. “You! You! YOU! You’re the problem. This is all your fault!”

Jungkook called her a crazy bitch and Darcy slapped him across the face before stomping off. A sleek red convertible was waiting for her on the curb, a well-groomed man behind the steering wheel. He smiled and waved at Jungkook before speeding off, Darcy already attaching her lips to his neck and not sparing any of us a second glance.

“What the fuck!” Taehyung shouted, sobbing and clinging to Milo. 

I was surprised he was able to hold himself back for that long. He seemed hellbent on strangling Jungkook as soon as he was able. I stepped to the side watching a man I had never seen upset shove Jungkook backwards. Any resemblance of a smile was gone now, replaced with a snot-nosed, red eyed man with bared teeth. Jungkook stumbled, barely keeping his footing before shoving the other man back. Milo was quick to defend his fiancé, pushing Jungkook so hard he stumbled, fell on his ass, and cried out in pain. 

Jimin’s arm gripped me tighter as he stared at the scene unfold in silence. His clenched jaw, however, told me how angry he was. I briefly wondered what he would be doing if he was not so focused on keeping me warm.

“That was so fucked up,” Taehyung cried, wiping his face roughly. “I told you both to keep that shit at home or don’t come!”

“She started it! It’s not my fault-”

“Dude,” Milo shook his head, wrapping his arms around Taehyung. “It doesn’t fucking matter. That’s your girl.”

As the three of them argued, I tried to decipher the look on Jimin’s face. He was angry, that was very apparent, and I felt my own anger finally start to rise. He had been dealing with so much shit and on his first night out in ages this happens? It was unfair and ridiculous, my frustration over the entire situation making me want to go over and push Jungkook around, too. However, I knew that was not the way to handle this. Truth was, he was not the only person to blame for how badly the night had ended. Darcy was the main instigator.

“Are you okay?” I asked Jimin, stepping away from his tight embrace. His arm was still around my shoulders with no sign of moving. “I’m sorry everything got so shitty.”

He nodded, face softening when he looked at me. “Just worried about Taehyung. He was really excited about tonight.”

The yelling was finally starting to calm down and I was happy that they were talking things out. I did not think I could handle the screaming for any longer. I had been a bundle of nerves since I left my house, and my fingers trembled at my sides. I could hear my mother’s voice echoing in my head, though I was positive it was distorted after so many years. Sometimes when her and dad fought, she would find me hiding in my closet and pull me out, hands leaving my skin tender from the harsh grip she had on my arms, before telling me to clean up the broken dishes from off the floor.

“Come here you little shit!”

She hated me; hated being a mother. I could remember how much I wished she would hold me like the other kids' moms held them but was too afraid to ask. One time I drew a picture of her at school and she never even looked at it. Instead, she smoked her cigarettes at the dinner table and watched Law and Order. If I really thought about it, she threw the drawing away. It was too dirty. Just like I was too dirty.

Mom had germaphobia and considered me one of the dirtiest things she had ever seen. I was not allowed in their bedroom because of it. Dad went along with it like he did everything else. When he wasn’t drinking, he was sleeping or in the garage. I hoped he was doing okay. Danielle seemed to be just as controlling as mom had been.

“Where’d you go?”

I startled, whipping around to find Jimin staring at me. His expression was gentle and calm, and I was suddenly aware of the harsh chill nipping at my wet cheeks. I had not noticed I was starting to cry. Strange. It had been a long time since those memories had been brought up.

“Are you okay?” He asked, rubbing my arm. “You looked lost.”

I nodded, quickly reaching up to pat the tears away. It was a good thing my mascara was smudge proof or else I might look even more pathetic. I am 31 now and it felt stupid to cry over things so far in the past. Things I had not had to deal with in well over 20 years. Dr.Wolfe would disagree with me, but she wasn't here.

“Yeah,” I nodded, voice thick. “Just zoned out for a second. Eyes must have dried out.”

It was a bad lie, but a lie he accepted. Squeezing my arm one last time, he finally moved away to give me a bit of breathing room. That was another thing that I always appreciated about the guy. He never overstayed his welcome, even if he wanted to. Taking a second to compose myself, I mindlessly fixed my hair and adjusted my clothes. Nervous habit.

“I think everyone’s heading home for the night,” Jimin said, nodding his head toward the other three men. “They seem cool. You ready to leave?”

I shrugged, “If you are.”

He nodded and walked over to the ground. I gave myself another moment to gather my thoughts. The worst of it was over and I doubted those memories would make themselves known again. With the screaming over it would not take long for my head to get itself straightened out. I might ask Jimin to drive us back, though. I was exhausted, and frankly, I did not think we would be safe if I was behind the wheel. Nothing worse than an anxious driver.

Jungkook was ashamed of their behavior tonight, and when I joined the others, he was quick to throw a million apologies in my direction. I accepted them all easily but knew it would take me a few days to fully forgive him. Tonight was a lot. Hopefully I could speak with Taehyung privately and ask him not to invite the couple out with us. If I never had to see Darcy again it would make my stay that much easier.

“I think we’re going to go home,” Milo said once Jungkook walked away. He was planning on calling an Uber so Tae could have a bit of space. “My little flower is burned out for the night.”

I smiled sadly, “Are you sure? We can always try something else.”

Taehyung’s head snapped in my direction and I wanted to scoop him up in my arms. His face was puffy from crying and eyes still misty. He was quick to nod his head and reached out to take hold of my hands.

“You still want to hang out with me?” He whimpered.

I had only said it to cheer him up not thinking that he would actually go for the idea. I had never seen him so distraught before and Milo seemed convinced that he was over having fun. Stealing a look at the blonde, he gave me a grateful smile but otherwise kept a watchful eye on Taehyung.

“Of course I do,” I finally replied, squeezing his large hands. “Tonight wasn’t your fault.”

His lower lip started to wobble again and next thing I knew I was in a very tight, warm hug. Taehyung cried into the crook of my neck. He was worried I would not like him anymore because of the fight. I awkwardly hugged him back, hoping my calm reassurances would soothe him. We really needed to get from outside the front of this restaurant before they called the cops. 

“It’s alright,” I said, trying to gently remove his arms from my waist. “We’re still friends, I promise.”

After another minute of crying, Taehyung was back in Milo’s arms. His face was red, and his nose was running, but the sobs had stopped. Jimin placed a hand on my lower back and started to bounce a few ideas off of Milo. It was late, but from the sound of things, our get together was not over. I could not say for certain if this was a good thing or not, I did need to have that talk with Jimin. If we were out too late there was no way for me to promise I would not pass out in the car.

“Uh,” Jimin thought for a second. “If we’re still hungry there’s Pie Sci and Woodbridge is right down the street. There's also that park a few blocks away."

I shrugged, “Whatever’s the best?” Looking at Taehyung, I made sure that he was feeling well enough to hang out. “I won’t be upset if you want to go home. It was a rough night for all of us.”

He sniffled and nodded. “I’m just really tired.”

Jimin and I said our goodbyes and I promised the blue haired boy I would call him in the morning to set up another meet up. He called it a group date, something neither Jimin nor I disagreed with, but it did make me feel queasy. Depending on how our conversation goes, we may never spend time together outside of training. I felt like I was going to vomit.

“Let me drive?” Jimin murmured as we parted ways with the couple. 

I nodded, digging in my purse to find them. “Mind reader, I swear. Get out of my head, kid.”

He snickered, “Who says you weren’t in mine, granny”

The queasiness dissipated and I felt like I could breathe a little bit easier now. Being alone with Jimin had never felt this nerve wracking before, not even the first time we met, and it was hard to explain all of the thoughts and feelings going through my head. We were finally having the talk, but I had never imagined it going this way. Handing him the keys, I elbowed him in the ribs.

“Whoops,” I mocked. “You know me and my bad eyesight, kiddo.”

“Watch it,” He hissed, rubbing the spot. “Don’t want you breaking anything. You know you have frail bones.”

I laughed, “Don’t make me give you a knuckle sandwich, punk.”

Sliding into the passenger seat felt less daunting after the light hearted exchange. Still, my blood was pumping as Jimin clicked his seatbelt in place. I had no idea when the conversation would shift into murkier waters, but I needed to start thinking about what to say to him. 

Denying my feelings would only make things worse, and I did not think the younger man would believe me. In fact, he would be offended that I thought he was dumb enough to get bamboozled in the first place. Lying did not seem like the right call anyway. My feelings were not something to feel ashamed about, but they were very frightening. 

“When is later?”

I gasped, startled out of my thoughts. We had been driving for over ten minutes already. Time seemed to slip by when I was lost in my own head. Jimin apologized for scaring me but repeated the question once I reassured him that I was fine.

“Now,” I mumbled. “I guess later is now.”

Turning on the blinker, Jimin switched lanes smoothly. He was probably the best driver that I knew and always made sure to keep my little quirks in mind during our rides. He had even gotten used to leaving the radio off when I was around, something that I appreciated more than words could ever say. Recognizing that I was stalling, I cleared my throat and tried my best to get my jumbled thoughts across.

“As much as I would like to go on that date,” I started, voice weak, “I’m just a bit concerned with how that might affect our ability to work together.”

There we go, I thought to myself mentally patting myself on the back. That was not as hard as I thought it would be. Leaving out a few details would not hurt anybody, and it was the main cause of concern for me. My age was definitely up there, but I doubted Jimin would understand my perspective. To him I was just older, but to the rest of the world I was this cougar on the prowl for young men to help me relive my glory days. Even my own friends thought it was funny to make fun of the age gap.

“Is it only because of that?” Jimin pressed, his voice telling me that he was still reacting positively to whatever was coming out of my mouth. I was refusing to look at him, fearful that he would see through me. “Or is there something else bothering you?”

“W-w-well-” I stammered, “There is the media frenzy to think about. Sejin is already dealing with the press and your ‘out of character’ seclusion this season. Then there’s the age gap. I just-” I struggled to find the right words. Having let my insecurity slip out, I lost my flow and scrambled to get back on track. “Look, I haven’t done this whole dating thing in a really long time, and I don’t want that to get in the way of being a good coach. Ozzie put me in charge of you, and my reputation is on the line.”

I could hear my heart beating in my ears. Mouth dry and palms sweaty, I forced myself to look out of the window as I spoke. Anxiety had been something I dealt with for as long as I could remember, and it only got worse the older I got. My hands and fingers trembled in my lap as I tried to steady my breathing. 

In all of the dreams I had about Jimin, and there had been quite a few at this point, this moment had never felt so real and raw. We were always in these picture perfect pieces of heaven, sunshine beaming down on us, and the words I desperately wanted to say fell from my lips with ease. It was simple and sweet, and yet profound and beautiful. I could wax poetics and put myself thoughts together so eloquently he had no choice but to say yes to me. 

Reality was different. Here I was stumbling over my sentences and stuttering my way through words. Instead of taking his hand with mine, I was fidgeting with shaking fingers and desperately hoping he could not see just how uncomfortable I was. I knew he did. He always noticed. My heart was racing so fast I was afraid it would burst. Had he turned the heart up? It was boiling.

“I just want to know how you feel about me.”

“Hm?” I squeaked, unable to form any real words. My mouth was too dry. 

“I’ve thought about all of the same shit,” Jimin continued, voice as smooth and calming as ever. “I don’t care about any of that. All I want to know is how you feel about me.”

“You know,” I replied, wheezing. Talking felt impossible. “You know.”

“I want to hear you say it.”

Taking in a deep breath, I squeezed my eyes shut and began the mental countdown. My therapist taught me the technique years ago and I always found it to be helpful. I did this a few times until I felt calm enough to open my eyes. 

“Are you alright?” Jimin asked.

“Yeah,” I nodded, finally feeling my heart rate slowing. “A little anxious.”

“Don’t be,” He placed a hand on my knee. “It’s just me.”

And he was right. It was just Jimin and I in my car, but that was also the reason I felt so suffocated. There was nowhere to run or hide in here, and if things went south I was stuck with him for half an hour. Trying not to let those pessimistic thoughts send me back into a panic, I began to mentally point out things in my car.

Air freshener. It's green. It smells like pine and lemons. I want a new scent. Jimin likes to buy this coconut and mango one that smells like candy. I will buy one like his. I love the smell.

I let out a heavy breath. Everything was fine. He was not upset. He just wanted to know how I felt about him. Nothing more nothing less. My heart was settling, and my fingers were no longer shaking.

“I like you,” I choked out, placing my hand over his. “But you already knew that.”

He gently laughed, flipping his hand up to intertwine our fingers. 

“Yeah, you’re a terrible actress.”

I groaned, leaning my head against the window. As much as I tried kidding myself, there was absolutely no way he did not see the way I looked at him. I always knew when his flirting took on a more serious edge, like when he called me beautiful after seeing the scar on my leg for the first time, so it should not have been surprising that he picked up on a thing or two. Still, it did not make it any less embarrassing.

“How long have you known?” I asked, peeking at him through my lashes.

“I mean, I had a feeling when you first got to town, but I wasn’t completely sure until that first training day.”

He laughed at my embarrassed groan, holding my hand tighter. I knew I wasn't subtle enough. Poker face champion, my ass.

“Don’t be embarrassed,” He cooed. “You’ve been my dream girl since I was, like, 15.”

“That's not helping the age gap thing,” I tittered as I played with his fingers. Then, because I could not help myself. “Dream girl, huh?”

Picking up on the teasing tone in my voice, Jimin chortled. 

“Okay, big head. Calm down.”

“Big head?” I guffawed, pulling my hand out of his grasp. “Who are you calling big head, shortstop?”

“You, big head,” Taking back my hand, Jimin pinned it down and kept a tight grip. “No take backs.”

I always loved it when Jimin was in a good mood. He was so playful and full of energy, and all signs of those dark days were in the deepest parts of his mind. It was impossible to keep myself from playing along which only served to egg him on.

“You never said yes or no.”

“Yes or no to what?” I questioned. 

Jimin started rubbing the back of my hand with his thumb.

“To that date.”

Saying yes felt wrong, but saying no felt impossible. No matter what I said someone would be upset, and I had to decide who that would be: Jimin or America? I turned my own hand around this time and put my fingers through his. They fit together awkwardly, his hands just a bit too large, but I still found it perfect all the same.

“Do you have any ideas?”

His shiteating grin was contagious and a burst of butterflies began to flutter in my stomach. Hands clasped, Jimin started to list off all of the places we could go, but I was not fully listening. I had a date with this guy. I was going on a date with my trainee. 

“What do you think?”

I blinked rapidly, hoping he could not tell that I had zoned out. 

“You pick,” I breathed. “Surprise me.”

The rest of the drive back home was spent making small talk and discussing food preferences. Jimin was a dinner and a movie kind of guy, while I would rather do some sort of activity. What type of conversation could we have in a theater? Jimin seemed excited to plan out a fun night and I was just happy he was this into me. The feeling was most definitely mutual.

“Do you mind if I go to my house tonight? Mom needs some space and I know my dad is tired of having me breathing down their necks.”

I had yet to go over to his house. The days that we drove together were when he spent the evening with his parents. When Na-yeon and I talked about it, she was more upfront about her health situation than the men of the house. James spent most of his time taking care of his wife and their son enjoyed giving him a break every now and then. James would go on a fishing trip with his friends while Jimin stayed back to keep an eye on his mother. 

“Is it closer to town?” I asked, nibbling on my lower lip. 

I had yet to drive through downtown Ann Arbor. The Park house, and by proxy the Anderson’s, was a thirty minute drive from the bustling city. Nestled in the smaller town of Saline going towards Manchester, I had rarely had to leave the small town. This trip to Detroit was the farthest I had gone since arriving in Michigan, but I had a feeling the traffic in downtown Ann Arbor would be a bit much for me to drive through alone.

“Yeah,” I felt even more nervous by his nonchalant tone. “I used to live downtown, but I got tired of the noise. I bought my house in Eberwhite last summer, so there’s a little less foot traffic.”

“How’s the drive back to Saline?” Even I could hear the hesitation in my voice.

“Less than twenty,” Rubbing the back of my hand, his voice took on a sweeter tone. “We don’t have to. My truck’s at my parent’s place anyway.”

“Maybe some other time?” I forced myself to laugh, hoping to make the awkward tension leave. “Preferably when it’s not dark outside.”

I relaxed into my seat once I started seeing familiar landmarks. Saline was a very small town with a little over 2,000 residents, but downtown still had a way of attracting a relatively large crowd. Stoney Creek Brewery was packed and Jimin pointed out Sam’s car as we pass by. 

“Looks like he came out with Otis and Skye,” He murmured.

Otis was another personal trainer at the gym, and Skye was responsible for marketing. They had been going out for a while now and made plan to move to Ann Arbor once Otis graduated from school. He was getting his masters in movement science at the University of Michigan. They had planned on moving out there when he graduated last year, but neither of them could find a job that could pay their bills. Otis was hoping the master’s would give him a competitive edge while Skye saved up enough money to start her own advertising firm.

“Think Gigi is with them?” I wondered.

“Probably not. She’s busy studying for an exam. I saw that she requested time off tomorrow and the day after, so I don’t think she has the time to go out for drinks.”

Giselle was getting her bachelor’s in dental hygiene at UM, and everytime I spoke to her she was swamped with work. I had no idea she needed to request time off, though. Must be an intense program.

“Did you ever go to college?” I asked Jimin. 

He nodded, “I got my bachelor’s in psychology.”

Well, I had not been expecting that. 

“Really?”

“Yeah, but I never went back to get my master’s,” We turned onto the long road that led to his parent’s house. “I might after the Olympics.”

It was interesting to hear about his goals post-swimming. I never had those. My entire life was going to be swimming, and then, once I could no longer compete, I was opening my own swim school. After a couple of years of coaching under my belt, the plan was to start training professional athletes until I could join the Olympic coaching team. The accident was a very traumatic and eye-opening experience for me, so most of those plans ended up getting changed and modified over the years.

“What about you?” Jimin asked, pulling up to the curb.

“I went through an accelerated program at UCCS. Just graduated with my Masters in Athletic Training back in April.”

Neither one of us seemed to be ready to break the bubble we created. Even if we were just talking about school, it felt too intimate to leave. Holding hands in my car was new and I was worried if I opened the car door all of this would turn out to be a dream. The date, the confession; all of it. 

“I should get going,” Jimin sighed, still not moving his hand from mine. “It’s late and I have to drive home.”

I was the first one to move away. He was right. It was almost midnight and I had a really difficult time tonight. All of that yelling really took a toll on me. Jimin did not move until he heard the click of my seatbelt unfastening. 

“See you tomorrow?” He asked when I rounded the car. Getting out of the car, he held the door open as I slid inside. “I know we were out later than we thought we’d be.”

I nodded, “We can have a late morning. 8:30 instead of 6.”

“Sounds good. See you then.”

He closed my car door and jogged to his truck. It was parked in the driveway today. I pressed the button to roll my window down. 

“Drive safe!” I called out.

Looking over his shoulder, Jimin grinned and threw a hand up. I watched him climb into Fiona and tried to keep myself from worrying too much. It was so dark outside and he could be exhausted behind the wheel. Who knows what could happen to him.

He caught me staring and waved at me again. I returned it with a small smile. The truck stopped for a second and his phone was his hand. My cell phone vibrated in the cupholder.

Jimin: I’ll be okay

Jimin: Text you when I get home, k?

Looking back at the truck, I found him already looking at me. I nodded my response. He smiled at me again, waved, before finally backing out of the driveway. I did not move until I could no longer see his truck in my rearview. My phone buzzed one more time.

Jimin: At the stop sign on Woodland and Ann Arbor-Saline

Jimin: Go home. I’m here. I’m fine.

I hesitated texting him back when I knew he was driving, but decided that I would just have to trust he would not open it until it was safe.

Me: Get out of my head, kid

Finally putting my car in drive, I threw my phone back in its spot and made the ten minute drive down the road to the Anderson house. All of the lights were off when I pulled up and I was as quiet as a mouse walking to the backyard. 

I was beyond tired but still needed to get my nighttime routine done. Stripping out of my clothes, I turned on the shower and took off my makeup. Tonight wasn’t a wash night, so I was not in the shower for long. I heard my phone vibrating as I put on lotion and I quickly threw on a night shirt and went to my bedroom.

Jimin: Who says you aren’t in mine, meemaw

Jimin: I’m home now so you can get some sleep

Jimin: Night, geezer

I snorted. That was a new one. Crawling into bed, I got comfortable under my blankets and thought about a good comeback.

Me: Thank you

Me: Geezer? That’s such an geriatric thing to say, you whippersnapper

Jimin: LOL night 🫰🏼

Me: Night 🌜

I quick sent Taehyung a text to make sure he and Milo go home safely before putting my phone on the charger. Jungkook sent a text to our group chat an hour ago to let us know he was in his apartment back in Detroit. He was in Ann Arbor so often since Darcy lived out here, but he had bought a multi-million dollar home in Corktown when was first signed to the Red Wings in 2019. Milo was the one to reply to my text, signing his name at the bottom, since Taehyung passed out in the car on their way back home.

I took my medications and started up a game of solitaire while I waited for them to kick in. My psychologist had sent me to Michigan with a three month supply. I was planning my first trip back next week so I could see the boys in time for their first big competition of the season. While I was in town, I would pick up another three month supply. We were making the arrangements work as best as we could, and I was lucky I had a large group of people willing to support me during this transition.

Finally I felt the sleeping pills kicking in and I went to my white noise app. I hated falling asleep in silence and Emery had suggested the app while we were in a session. I paid for a yearly subscription and never regretted the fifty bucks. It had been a huge help in lulling me to bed.

Lights out and blankets wrapped snugly around my body, I closed my eyes and thought about everything that had happened. Jimin liked me back, asked me on a date, and told all of his friends about his infatuation with me before I even realized something else was going on. I was his dream girl. That put a lazy smile on my face. Then, I could no longer think about anything and was plunged into a dreamless sleep.

Taglist: @ownthesunshine @screamertannie @lovelytaes-blog @pernesianparapio @tae-with-some-suga @sumzysworld @chimmisbae @adventures-in-bookland

© chimcess, 2024. Do not copy or repost without permission.

[egg-emperor]

I don't reflect on it much now but it's times like these where I get harsh reminders of how bad of a year 2022 was and realize how far I've come

Becoming the target of harassment and slander due to a combination of my Eggman creations and then being blamed for my abuse after learning the reasons behind it was really hard. I almost died months before that campaign even happened because I was in a terrible place anyway and some knew and still hurt me and made it worse. They made me regret surviving for a while. And if I expressed how hurt I was by it all, I was called manipulative

I lost so much in so many ways and had vile things said about me and my abuse and if it wasn't for the real friends and the lovely followers and anons who stuck by and supported me, I don't think I'd still be here. I was still acting out in terrible ways online for a while after because I was in an absolute awful place mentally due to irl and online struggles. There's a lot of deleted posts and DMs I regret but I genuinely wasn't thinking right for months, my mind was genuinely fucked

I developed some bad habits that I haven't fully recovered from and fluctuate between how bad they are but I'm glad it's one of the only things left to work on. The stress, anxiety, and depression of 2022 worsened my health issues a lot as last year I started experiencing increased fainting and other physical health issues. At that point I realized I needed a change for my safety and health. For a while I didn't even feel like I deserved to be helped so it was hard but I finally did it

Now I'm getting support with bills, going to doctor and hospital appointments to look into my disability for diagnosis and hopefully to be helped, I have a therapist I just started with. I'm personally not an SSRI meds kind of guy so I've been doing every other method to recover instead. I've also made a ton of progress mentally on my own with my mindset, it's far less of a negative and angry place than it was then. I manage how I deal with setbacks better, I don't feel like I'm back at square one when things get bad now

I spend far less time thinking about what happened or letting their negativity consume me. There's been a few times since where parts of it have come back up and it's been challenging at times but I can handle them more rationally and be the sensible level-headed one and assure that I don't go back to that place. It's okay for me to be hurt by it and realize what happened to me was wrong but I don't let it haunt me every moment anymore. It's no longer the first thing I think of when I wake and last when I go to sleep

And I've realized what really matters and what's really important to me. The passion and joyful expression of the things I love and all the great people that are still here that I have the delight of getting to know and talk to. There's still a lot of challenges coming up in the future but I'm happy that it has nothing to do with everything back then. I want to express myself and my passion and never feel the shame they wanted me to. I want to get better. I finally want to live. I have hope and believe better times are ahead

And I'm very grateful for everyone who is warm, kind and supportive of me along the way. I appreciate everyone who is accepting of me and make me feel like I finally belong somewhere. Thank you 💜

[kimaratomoya]

Would you mind doing a character analysis of Toby? This guy has so many layers and it’s driving me crazy-

Toby Billings analysis for the anon!! Also you don't have to anon!!!

Please I want to know who the Toby fan is, of the few people I know of who know him, a lot of people misinterpret him...

Thanks for asking about him!!! He's my favourite little guy!

THIS IS USING THE ORIGINAL BOOKS! NOT THE GRAPHIC NOVELS! THEY CHANGED HIS PERSONALITY AND PARTS OF THE STORY IN THE GRAPHIC NOVELS! PLEASE READ THE CANON STORY, NOT JUST THE GRAPHIC NOVELS!!!

⚠️TW: Mentions of SH and Suic!de (Canon to the story)⚠️

Basic info:

- Youngest of two

- Competitive (For a reason)

- Loves Arcade Games

- Constantly second to his older brother

- Friends with Reggie (we love Reggie on this blog)

- Occasionally has something in his mouth (toothpick)

- Nickname "Tobes" from Connor

- Bullied by his brother, blatantly

- Short fuse (also for a reason)

- Ignored by is dad unless he does something wrong.

- Not super good at school

- Basically ignored by teachers because he never lived up to his brother's shadow (kinda ironic)

- Tabitha? Was she meant to be a love interest? Not done well.

- Does not want therapy

- High School

- No friends anymore

- Nightmares :(

Ok so I clearly have a favourite because I analysed him a lot more in depth but also he's such a character. Just his basic stuff is pretty bad tbh. Lots of isolation and bullying in his own home. Doesn't seem to want help, or know how to ask for it. Does allow Tabitha to help but clearly dislikes it. The short fuse definitely comes from him watching his brother throw tantrums when he didn't win, and growing up in that household, he probably picked that up. There's a lot of issues there.

- Self image issues

- Low self esteem

- Basically abused/neglected

- Barely hesitates to harm himself to get rid of the rabbit

- Seems to go into a bit of a depressive state after Shadow Bonnie is sewn into him

- (⚠️TW⚠️)Is completely willing to scratch off his skin, and almost drown himself to get rid of the shadow

- Literally makes a list of how to get rid of it and the only thing he refused to do is to burn it off

- Cannot eat because of Shadow Bonnie

- Refuses to let Connor win, even when he tries to call off the competition

- Cracks his knuckles when he's nervous

- Doesn't trust people

- He isolated himself (which is his opinion, from other clues in the book, I feel like it was mutual)

- (⚠️TW⚠️) Literally kills himself to win

Oh boy. So a few little personality quirks, cute. But also omg the poor kid. He's very much hurt at home, no one cares. Isolates himself, but it is also probably a self preservation technique because he was definitely in some type of abuse/neglect situation. His willingness to hurt and kill himself shows a lot of underlying issues he most likely was already going through and Shadow Bonnie just brought it to a head. He suffers a lot of physical and mental trauma throughout the book and relates it back to previous trauma from before the incident.

- Mother left when he was around 5

Woo mother issues. We actually get a heck in on her in The Breaking Wheel where she is Reed and Julius's robotics teacher. She seems like she may have some mental health issues herself, with how she acts and treats them, which may explain why Toby had some underlying issues.

- Honorable mention that Reggie likes Tabitha

Toby is just a little guy and I want him to have a happy home life and I want him to be happy. He's such a guy. Scott really did him dirty tbh. But he's also a well developed character with a lot of layers and mental illness.

Tried to keep any AU and fanfiction stuff out of this.

Thank you for coming to my Ted Talk.

[questionableratatouille00]

𝓜𝓸𝓿𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓞𝓷 12

Pairing: Wanda Maximoff x Fem!Reader

Summary: Wanda and Y/n have decided to move in together, in Wanda’s house. Though Y/n is sad to say goodbye to her apartment, especially considering who used to live there with her, her friends help her say goodbye. Life goes on, even though bad things happen. And it’s true, bad things do happen. The most important thing is how you deal with them.

Warnings (Entire Series): This series deals with mature topics, including, but not limited to: death, mental health issues, physical, emotional, and sexual abuse, grief, trauma, general unwellness, illness (both mental and physical), and a most likely inaccurate portrayal of group therapy (though it’s much better than whatever was going on in TFATWS.) Please mind the warnings below.

Warnings: fluff and the end. If you spot all the references to previous chapters I’ll kiss you on the mouth.

🌻Series Masterlist 🌻

𝐈 𝐂𝐚𝐧 𝐌𝐨𝐯𝐞 𝐎𝐧

You walked down the aisle, your dress making you feel confident in every decision you’ve made thus far.

You felt beautiful as you glanced at the woman you love.

Looking at her made everything worth it. You continued to walk down the aisle as the music played.

The beautiful decorations still managing to catch your eye even though you’d obviously been there when they were picked out. Everything was perfect about this day, down to every second.

You were so excited to go home tonight with your favorite redheaded woman, who was wearing her own fancy dress. She looked beautiful and she smiled at you as you walked.

You hadn’t been to a wedding in a long time, especially one you were participating in.

You considered your role to be pretty damn important, considering where you were and what you were doing.

Even though your shoes were somewhat uncomfortable and didn’t fit exactly right, none of it mattered because you were happy.

As you reached the end of the aisle, you stood next to Bucky as he married the love of his life.

At the reception, you met up with Wanda again. She was wearing a beautiful dress, with a sunflower pendant necklace to match her sunflower earrings.

“They look so happy,” she smiles. “I’m glad.”

“Me too,” you smile warmly. “I’m glad we’re happy. All of us.”

She grinned, looking up at you. “We really are.”

“You look a lot better.” Sharon said as she took a sip of her vanilla latte.

“I feel a lot better.” You took a sip of your own drink. “Thanks. For everything. I don’t think I would’ve made it out if not for your texts every once in a while.”

She rested her hand on top of yours. “I’m glad I sent them. And I’m proud of you for signing up for therapy in the first place.”

“Thanks, Sharon. That means a lot to me. It does.” You smiled.

“I’m sorry. For ghosting you all. It was dumb of me, and I shouldn’t have just ran like that, and I’m sorry I hurt you, and—“ You were cut off by Melina wrapping you in a tight hug.

“We do not care, sweetheart.” She murmured affectionately in your ear. She then pulled away.

“We are just glad to have you back.” Alexei said, clapping his hand on your shoulder in an almost-painful way. You knew it was his way of being deeply emotional.

“I’m only kind of sorry for breaking in.” Yelena said after a moment. “But I am glad to see you again.” She hugged you.

“Yeah. It’s good to see you too.” You felt a sense of pure love fill you.

You’d developed a new routine with Wanda.

You get up. You get ready. You eat breakfast with Wanda. You go to work. You drive home. You make dinner with Wanda and eat together. You end the night by turning on the TV to watch your favorite shows together.

You didn’t need to divide your life into two parts anymore. The world felt whole, you felt whole. Things were okay.

Life was going good.

“Considering this is our last meeting,” Coulson began. “I’d like to talk about something special.”

“Oh, don’t do that, you’ll make me cry.” Clint laughed.

The whole group chuckled.

“Alright, alright.” Coulson grinned slightly. “In one of our earliest meetings, we played the secrets game. If you don’t remember, that’s when I had you all write down a vulnerable thought or secret down on a piece of paper and we read them aloud. I think now’s a good time to claim our papers.” He set out each piece of paper down on the small table in the center of the circle of chairs.

You found yours immediately and picked it up as the rest of the group picked up theirs.

“How about we go in a circle and read them aloud? To see how much we’ve changed as people.” Coulson guided.

When it was your turn, you read your statement out loud. “I wonder if they regret being with me,” you read from the paper. When Coulson asked how you thought you’d changed since writing the words, you smiled gently.

“I’m more sure of myself. And..I have faith in my relationships and connections now.” You explained. Everyone smiled at that.

Then it was Wanda’s turn.

“Everyone I care about gets hurt.” She reads.

You freeze. “That one—I read that one. That was yours?”

She nods, a sheepish grin on her face. “I know I’ve changed a lot since then. I’m not afraid of losing people I love. Well, I mean, of course I am, but I’m never terrified the world will just suddenly end. Not anymore.” She holds your hand as she says it.

You walk out of therapy with your hand tightly held in hers.

Maybe there had been a point to all of it. Just maybe.

“Anyone up to grab lunch?” Tony called out as he was hopping into his car, Bruce getting into the passenger side.

You chuckled and flashed him a thumbs up.

As you and Wanda hopped into the truck, you turned on the radio. As you pulled out of the therapy center, the soft song filled the car.

Then you're left in the dust Unless I stuck by ya You're the sunflower I think your love would be too much Or you'll be left in the dust Unless I stuck by ya You're the sunflower You're my sunflower.

A/n: hoping I got somebody in the beginning. I have been thinking about that part since ch. 4 lmao.

Anyways I’m gonna start rambling about this series because it means a lot to me. I started this series in the summer (I think??), and I was in a completely different mental state. I love this series and I hope the people who read it do too. I’m glad I got to finish it.

In conclusion, it’s okay to move on. It will take a long time, it won’t be easy, and it’ll be hard. Maybe the things you deal with don’t ever go away, but they can improve.

Love you all. 💕🌻

[nardos-primetime]

what's the most fucked up thing/AU/whatever you made? I wanna desensitize myself to your work before diving in.

Starting out with saying I wouldn't condone any of the bad shit within my stories, often times these are just what ifs I find interesting to look into. I wouldn't look at an actual murderer irl and go "Awesome" but I'll joke around with my villain Mikey like "He hasn't done a thing wrong heart emoji" when he has actively killed and enjoyed the murder of multiple people.

A lot of my aus are more toned down from my regular more personal works, solely because I can't help but go a bit easier on the turtles since they are a comfort for me and I wouldn't find my more personal topics appropriate for the turtles.

Overall, I'd say body horror, disease, self harm, suicide, murder, and mental/physical abuse/child abuse/neglect is something to look out for in a lot of my works, along with gore and injury in general. I also have a tendency to write cannibalism (an interesting motif to me, I would not condone it irl, obviously) and/or autocannibalism (to cope with personal issues I am not comfortable elaborating on, it's some Mental health stuff.) Overall I like putting the turtles through it, lmao.

(Forgot to add animal abuse/death)

I will never directly delve into the topic of sex within my works (as in you'll never see me write any of them doing such acts), but I have a handful of somewhat older Leo's who specifically deal with unhealthy romance, one of these is within my magical boys au where all four experience some level of inappropriateness due to their fame, not once is this a good thing, and this is meant to be a bad thing within the story. The other has a Leo who dates around a lot but always falls short due to his anxieties and commitment issues. He never goes through with it, though he likes to joke about more sexual topics. (He's crude.)

The magical boys au, priorly mentioned, contains underage drinking and smoking, mental health issues, self-harm, and the boys being mistreated and abused within their own workplace, one way or another.

One of my oneshots currently has a younger child get murdered in it, though I've deliberately made the death surrounding it not as detailed, as even if younger children die in my stories it makes me uncomfortable to focus on it the same I would other characters, unless it's an injury a child survives, then it's a 50/50. This is a situation that is conflicting for the main character, but is done out of survival's sake. (In his eyes.)

Viral.Donnie has evolved into a character that focuses on addiction later on, and I do tend to give the turtles addictions depending on the story.

Million Dollar Box/Villain Mikey has hallucinations, vivid, probably not 100% accurate, but these are not his real brothers. Story wise, they are a way to delve into his mental state and look at his conflicting feelings about his family.

Villain Raph is less developed, but he actively is mentally (and physically) abusive to his brothers in his own way.

A lot of the time, my writing style mixes with the thoughts and personality of the main focus, and a lot of these times, the characters are not rational nor moral. Untrustworthy narrators are fun.

You will see I don't like actively splitting up the turtles entirely very much. Normally, I'd be able to do it easily, but I have a soft spot for them. Hell, Viral Donnie, Villain Raph, and Million Dollar Box Mikey's follow-up story gives them a family after losing theirs. Most of the time, if one turtle falls, I take the others, or at least one others with them. For fun.

I try to not go for just shock value, even if I like describing the horrors I like having a reasoning, whether it be some insane deeper meaning I made up, it fitting a character/their personality, or just being interesting for me. I do my best to tag all potentially triggering topics within my works, but I may slip up at times. Apologies for that.

Horror is my main fixation overall outside of TMNT, and I like various types of it. The Nonsense Apocalypse AU is supposed to be a mixture of slice of life and horror, resulting in a world that just doesn't make sense, with some more... serious aspects on top.

I hope this helps, I kinda went on a ramble, but I didn't want too much confusion since most of my actual aus aren't fully out yet in any way.

Hope it helps again, Anon.

[cambriancrew]

@mandellaeffect

So. It's been several days since this, but we still want to reply. We wrote out a long thing, Tumblr ate it, we rewrote it by hand, and we're just now getting around to typing it up.

And fair warning. We can't talk in depth about this interview and why we said what we said without also talking about the abuse we experienced from our ex. We'll keep it general and nonspecific as much as possible, but please just know, it was REALLY bad. Much worse than what we talk about here. Like we still have PTSD from it bad.

Also it may help to read the AMA we did on Reddit after this interview came out.

So. Our ex believed we either had DID or were demon possessed, and had very ableist views about DID that he used to threaten us with - believed we were dangerous to be around, for instance - and threatened us with involuntarily commitment. He also tried to prevent us from seeing any therapist or mental health care provider other than the extremely bigoted, very out of date pastor/counselor of the church we went to and that our husband worked at.

We worried that he was right, that we might fit the criteria for OSDD-1 because of our failing relationship with him.

But, in all honesty, our relationship had been falling apart for awhile, because he was abusive - obsessed with being the perfect fundamentalist Christian couple, bigotry and all. He tried to make us Crew stop being friends with people who weren't Christians, and people who were queer. He tried to dictate what books we could read - no more science fiction and fantasy even though that's the genre we write and even wrote together with him, or psychiatry books even though we worked in a geri-psych nursing home and what we read was relevant. Tried to dictate what we watched on TV and what games we could play - even though he was a huge Star Wars fan and that has huge Buddhist underpinnings, and played Dungeons and Dragons online a lot which he made us swear never to tell anyone because they might think it was demonic - hypocrite much?

He even got upset that we were talking to people about the issues we were having - he called it "emotionally cheating", regardless of the fact we talked with people we had zero romantic interest in - like our own mother.

Anyway. We DID get a different therapist. And something he said helped a LOT with our concerns about having DID. He said our issues with our husband stemmed from his controlling behavior and emotional and verbal abuse, not our plurality - because after all, there's no mental illness called "supports queer people" nor "prefers to read speculative fiction and books on psychiatry" nor "confides in trusted friends about difficulties".

That said. Our therapist and his overseeing psychiatrist did talk with us about what our husband was pressuring us to do: try to get rid of all of the non-Willows. We had a lot of long, tense discussions about this with our system, and knew exactly what would happen if we tried.

We Willows would have been locked away from the front. Jas, Varyn, and Aery would have taken over as primary fronters, and we knew they'd have no problem with that based on our experiences with playing tug of war for front with them. Without us Willows, we may have developed memory issues, especially if we Willows fought back or resisted. This also would have caused us significant stress which would have triggered our fibromyalgia, and may easily have gotten to the point we would have to stop working because we physically couldn't handle it. And undoubtedly it would have caused us social issues as well, because those three can't mimic us Willows well at all, and prefer to be overt anyway, and probably would have used that to put extra pressure on our husband John: "Sorry, you can't talk to Willow right now. I can take a message to her. When we she be back? Idk, whenever John stops being an ass."

This, per our therapist and psychiatrist, would have been enough for a dx of DID or at bare minimum OSDD-1 - and then our ex would have had a much easier time getting us involuntarily committed. (As he did actually try. Got the state involved and there was a court case and everything.)

Because being endogenic and having tulpas is not what defines whether you have DID/OSDD-1 or not - it's whether there's distress or dysfunction. Doesn't have to be constant, doesn't have to be severe, just has to be present enough to make it harder to function.

Also, we've been in therapy from that time till now, for our depression and PTSD. Those cause us distress and dysfunction. Being plural doesn't - it eases our distress and increases our ability to function. We get worse when we Willows try to do everything on our own.

Also? Tulpas absolutely ARE endogenic - they aren't caused by trauma, and that's all endogenic means.

And. We were not told by Reddit that our headmates are tulpas. When we stumbled on the community, we recognized that what we had done in creating our headmates unintentionally was the same things people in the community were doing on purpose.

We remember sitting down and coming up with the idea of Jas. We remember learning to hear her, in vague images and ideas at first, then longer and longer full conversations. We remember the thrill of first hearing her interrupt our thoughts. We used to have several notebooks and binders full of written down conversations between us, with us Willows doing all the writing for the most part but on occasion Jas would take over just enough to write her own notes - in her own handwriting, different from us Willows' handwriting. We remember meditating to improve our ability to hear her. We remember visiting her in the paracosm, and her visiting us at our writing desk and on the school bus and sitting next to us at church. We remember her creating Varyn. We remember creating Morrie, and when he went dormant. We remember making Tristan&, and when she broke off communication with us - they'll still only talk to Jas.

Point is, we know their origins, all of them. We were there.

There's no "they were there all along." There's no "we don't know where they came from so we just assume they're endogenic." They certainly don't have roles or even the natural abilities of alters - we had to learn to talk with them, we had to learn how to let them front, we had to learn how to switch.

Some of them identify as soulbonds due e to their connection to their home worlds, but "tulpa" still fits too. Even though some of them cringe at the word, as it's uncomfortably close to a term in the paracosm's primary language for something truly heinous.

Point is, Reddit didn't try and convince us of anything. We came to that conclusion all on our own - and not just us Willows, but the whole system.

And per our mental health care team, we don't fit the criteria for a dissociative disorder. We don't even have issues with general dissociation - we score a 10 on the DES-2, and only that much because of questions directly related to plurality, like hearing voices commenting on your actions. (The eternal peanut gallery lol)

Anyway. Back to Dr. Richard Loewenstein - he was told about our origins. He didn't say that our origins were the reason we did or did not have a dissociative disorder. He said it's about distress.

And now that we've long since kicked our abusive ex to the curb (along with the church that turned on us), we don't have even interpersonal issues like we had with him and them. The people we're close to understand and support us. Our health care team supports us, and even encourages us Willows to lean on the rest of our system as that's what's healthiest for us all.

We don't have a mild case of a dissociative disorder. We're not secretly traumagenic.

We're ready and able to even fight for things our ex threatened us with, including our ability to be out at work, our ability to go through the foster-to-adopt program in our state (and our mental health care team is willing to sign off on our ability to do that), and our ability to be free from the threat of involuntary commitment to an institution.

If our ex, the pastor-counselor, several of our ex friends, state medical officials, and more couldn't find enough proof to diagnose us with DID or get us committed, (versus our therapist and the overseeing psychiatrist and our parents), then there's nothing anything y'all can say that will prove what they could not.

[szilverer]

hewwo

made this blog primarily to dump oc content & maybe liveblog a bit (its my first time engaging in a fandom space like this so im pretty lost, do lemme know if i mess up with tagging or etiquette or smth. more about me here.)

my main FL acc (Hreisz) is from 2016 but i only really started playing last august! ive finished my ambition in october but theres still a lot i dont know about the lore n stuff. recently made two alts & am slowly getting around to write/draw nice profile pages for everyone.

"H. Reisz", aka The Twilight Phantom // The Clawed Captain | LF (Looked Upon Fondly) | Oneirotect Silverer | ???

Hyacinthe R., aka The Sombre Pursuer | Nem | future Correspondent & Seeker | English-Romanian

"Zé Brito" or "Sev", aka The Zealous Backlander | BaL | future Monster-Hunter | Mixed Brazilian-British

feel free to send a CC or even just random in-character letters & menace help reqs :3c im a lil rusty but i'd love to write more

always open to asks/interactions here as well, just keep in mind i might take A While to respond as i am but an hermit with the barest of executive functions

trying to use this hyperfixation to practice digital art so there'll be random experimental doodles here as i try to find out wtf i am doing. everytime i open a canvas its a surprise. youve been warned

tags:

#chaindoodles -> art tag, #chainrambles -> text tag #fl liveblogging, #flore (fl lore)

#the twilight phantom -> the (main) blorbo

#nightmarriage -> my blorbo hoards trash. block this to be spared from witnessing their arguably most questionable decision (i.e chaining their stalker to themself so they won't be alone)

content warnings:

#light fingers spoilers (also general tag for LF) #nemesis spoilers, #evolution spoilers

just to be safe, i tag eyestrain/bright colours for some art.

#suggestive in case i draw (or write?) smth that can be perceived as saucy, spicy, horn knee, overtly kinky or implied nsfw. there wont be anything Actually explicit here though

i like #blood and injuring my characters both mentally and physically. so uh. that. possibly violence.? jokes aside, i like exploring heavy themes: mental health & psychological issues; abuse; general horror; death & grief; alienation; one's relationship with pain & self-destruction, intentional or not - these are all concepts that are gonna be present in the things i make one way or another. some mild religious iconography as well bc although im not religious i was raised catholic & i like playing w/ the aesthetic.

#body horror (mostly the shapeling arts kind)

??

#poor edward

So who's this "Twilight Phantom"?

I play a strict game with myself when it comes to my main blorbo: 99% of what the FLPC does, in the exact order i do it, is canon.

This also applies to small things like their possessions/wardrobe, for example - they pretty much only have the in-game items I own in the account to wear. Finding out reasons to explain why they keep the things they own is part of the fun. (this game made them out to be a weirdo, naturally.)

It's been lots of fun to see this clean slate (and i do mean clean - i knew nothing about the setting/lore, or who they were as a person, so. well. this guy didn't either) get shaped by RNG, the narrative, And my mechanical wiki-fueled optimization decisions.

another extra rule i made for myself as a treat was making them a sponge to compensate for their inherent emptiness. this means they incorporate something from each important NPC they get involved with. they are a singer because of Clara and her twin. they only own a lab & got interested in studying & research bc of Dr. Vaughan. they got a taste for exercise bc they accompanied Hephaesta's workouts for so long. and so on and so forth.

ill make a better, dedicated profile post eventually but for now have a playlist + an old vague intro + some early refs below:

[last updated: never. this is my self-callout to write abt recent developments bc ohh boy evolution was an entire year's worth of timeline progression.]

The first thing you notice about them is the cowl lazily draped around their head and shoulders, swaying behind their back like a cape in the colours of sunrise-- or, perhaps most familiarly, the velvety twilight that the newest star every so often provides to London.  The second thing is the deep scars covering one side of their face, and the third thing would probably be the heavy eyebags under their sharp, dark eyes.

A relatively freshly-minted Silverer, H. Reisz spends more time in Parabola than London nowadays. Not that they had been in London for too long anyway, and it's not like anyone knows where they were before that either. The surface, yes, but it's a big world out there, right? They don't actually remember seeing the sun, or the sky, but H cannot deny the soft colours of twilight and sunrise have a special place in their heart. They recognise it without the memory of experiencing it, just like they recognised love in the depths of a certain Labyrinth. Hmm, two Labyrinths, actually. There was that one heiress too... and the Orphanage was inside one hell of a maze too... if they had a coin every time they found themself inside labyrinths, they'd... Uh, where were we? Well, anyway, being a new face, they had nothing to be known for so they simply gave out their surname instead. Or well, what they assumed to be their surname. "H. REISZ" were the letters sewn-in on a diminute corner of the tattered black veil that wrapped their head back when they woke up for the "first" time. They were surrounded by near-empty bottles of dried mouldy honey, absinthe, and who knows what else. Ah, the decadence... they couldn't even remember what honey could do at the time but they could recognise the stench of self-destruction right away, haha.  Alas, if things were so bad they got to that point-- maybe this explains why moving on was so easy. Maybe they had somehow lobotomized themself on purpose. Who knows? They sure don't. It was only now, a year or so after waking up, that an epithet has started to stick around-- specifically by their actions as a Silverer and the services they provided. From nightmare-slaying to fishing out vestigial memories (the irony of an amnesiac doing this is not lost on them) to guiding and safeguarding lost dreamers, their glimmering signature cowl and the way it flowed rather phantasmagorically in Parabola started to leave an impression. To many dreamers, seeing a hint of pastel twilight colors signaled safety. It signaled someone you could trust to get inside your head. :)

[maaarine]

Sexy But Psycho: How the Patriarchy Uses Women’s Trauma Against Them (Jessica Taylor, 2022)

"Statistically, being subjected to domestic abuse during pregnancy is more common than any other pregnancy complication or health issue.

Simply put, you are more likely to be beaten and abused whilst pregnant than to have medical issues or complications arising from your own body or the baby.

In 2013, a meta-analysis of sixty-seven studies published by Howard et al. found that women who were subjected to domestic abuse during pregnancy were three times more likely to be diagnosed with PTSD, anxiety, depression, and other mental health disorders.

At first glance, this makes a lot of sense (minus the unnecessary pathologisation, and the insistence that it is somehow a mental disorder to be traumatised by being abused whilst pregnant). (…)

After four more months of this abuse, Jenny went to her GP and told them everything, including her abusive ex-partner and what he had been doing to her (he had recently left her as a single mother to their six-month-old baby).

By this point, her eating and sleeping was seriously impacted, she was physically unwell and she had developed a stutter when she spoke.

She described herself as constantly frightened, especially of men. The GP listened, and then diagnosed her with postnatal depression.

Jenny told me how this only escalated the abuse and violence from her ex-partner, who used the diagnosis to confirm his gaslighting narrative that she was mentally ill and unstable.

She also reflected on the fact that the diagnosis solidified her own self-blame and doubt, and her belief that everything was in her own head and that her ex must have been right, that she was mentally ill."

[hersweetrevenge]

corey commentary: the official making of h40 🎃🔪

honestly i feel like this book really helped me refocus my thoughts on corey and brought me back to basics for the first time in a while.

i've split this post into a few specific topics based on my own thoughts and the book details that i found most interesting. a lot of this i've talked about before but i'm bringing it back with evidence babyyy.

WARNING for suicide and suicidal ideation, murder, manipulation, mental health issues and crises, and passing mentions of child abuse.

costume

corey's costume was developed in reverse (pg. 176), starting with his final look, the leather jacketed bad boy, and working backwards to the opening scene look, the good boy on his way to the sock hop.

i love that this was the process, i think that's so interesting from both a design and character perspective. taking him from what he became to what he was? it feels sort of like they were centring nostalgia in a way, starting with who corey became and then looking back to who he was (and who he will never be again). it kind of makes his downfall even more heart-breaking to me.

rohan mention's wearing coreys clothes in his real life and how no one even looked at him (pg. 184). in the commentary he also mentioned wearing corey's glasses a lot to get into the character mindset.

very interesting that we have tried and tested proof that corey can literally fade into the background and go unnoticed. it must be a combination of trying to be visually more plain but also a very quiet demeanour. but then you have the angle of corey being forced to reduce himself to as small and quiet and invisible impossible. i like the way corey both wants to be invisible (to avoid confrontation) but also desperately wants to be seen and heard and believed and understood by someone.

frame of mind/suicidal ideation

rohan mentions that there's an element of corey having not been able to kill himself before, because it was too hard to do, but looking into michael's eyes he realises he can just "call it quits" and let michael do it. then, after he is spared by michael, it gives him "permission" (pg. 198)

i think it makes a lot of sense though that michael letting him go is what tips corey over the edge, maybe reinforcing his own buried guilt (if michael let him go, he must be evil, right?) and making it feel a lot easier to make horrific choices (murder) while also making his emergency exit plan (suicide) feel easier too, if he wanted to.

corey being "tainted" by the shape because he's so close to being that anyway (pg. 172).

i don't personally believe in evil as an actual supernatural force in these movies, but corey is definitlel portrayed as more susceptible to michael's influence, even if michael does actuall demand anything of him.

i think @/slutforstabbings was the one who mentioned this to me. but when corey meets michael he is mentally and physically more susceptible to reacting irrationally in a very real-world sense. he has a history of abuse, experienced a major trauma (the accident), been under intense stress (the party), and had a recent head injury (the fall from the bridge and smacking his head in the sewer). these factors all contribute to a mental health crisis and drastic change in personality.

i feel like this confirms that corey was likely headed for (possibly another) breakdown in the future, but the events of the party/meeting michael just triggers it sooner.

emotional control

rohan mentions corey purposely doesn't feel anything since the accident (pg. 188).

this might have been my favourite detail that gets mentioned. i've always thought that corey's way of surviving post-accident was to just shutdown completely and switch off all his emotions. it's interesting to know that rohan was playing him that way.

and also a lot of the time when corey does feel strong emotions, they are turned in on himself to try and keep them private, like his anger at terry results in him hurting himself (accidently) with the milk bottle, or him regularly climbing over the bannister at the allen house but not being able to let go while during the day he thinks about some outward expression of rage through the blowtorch at the garage.

the mirror scene symbolises the first time corey feels in control (pg. 198).

i've written about this a lot before, but i very much agree that the mirror scene is a moment of processing both "what the fuck just happened?" but also "this is what control feels like". corey's whole breakdown, starting from killing nelson, is about regaining control over his own life, even if it means un-restraining himself and doing horrific things.

killings

ryan turek (exec.) and paul logan (writer) specifically state how ends is essentially a revenge movie, with corey's kills start as revenge killings, but if he survived the kills would get more random (pg. 167).

i feel like this highlights the way that corey's connection with the shape is cut short, unlike michael who had it for decades. the shape (or the idea of it) lets corey get his revenge, but after that he could keep going, he'd pick up momentum and he wouldn't be slowing down.

this seems like this is pointing towards killing being corey's method of control rather than some more direct desire to kill.

he becomes "addicted" to violence and he knows it (pg. 191).

"addicted" is a super interesting word choice and i feel like it fits perfectly. corey starts with revenge, he has his reasons, but as time goes on he could find a reason for anyone if he wanted to.

if corey survived ends and got away, he'd be living his own life for the first time ever. i think there are a lot of things he'd over indulge in, and killing being an addiction plays heavily into that -- there would be nothing to tell him to stop.

high priest!corey

rohan specifically describes corey leading doug to the sewer as him bring michael a "sacrifice" (pg. 206).

vindication !! @/slutforstabbings once said to me, while we were talking about the ritualistic nature of corey and michael's relationship and killings, that corey replaces nelson as michael's high priest, as the person who brings the sacrifices and channels michael to the outside world.

manipulation

rohan says that corey "plays" at being the shaking little boy again when he jump scares laurie while waiting outside for allyson (pg. 204).

i love this, because i fully believe corey thrives on manipulation. i think corey is fundamentally a good person anyway, but in dealing with joan he knows how to make himself inoffensive and agreeable, and i think he knows that that "character" is a safe bet to keep people happy.

and the novelisation confirms that this almost works !! laurie thinks he's just awkward and still upset from the night before. the thing that makes laurie doubt how genuine he is, is that she can see how he changes -- she can see the way he switches from one demeanour to another. proof right that he can play at being who he needs to be in the moment.

but then, by the time laurie shoots him, corey really is just a scared little boy who is in way over his head and unequipped for the situation he finds himself in (pg. 226).

corey is unprepared and unpractised -- he doesn't have the experience that michael has in bouncing back. he isn't michael. he's fucked up big time, his plan has fallen through, and he's backed himself into a corner. all the terrible things he's done, everything he's been through, the taste of control -- it's all for nothing is laurie can get the upper hand on him like this.

he's scared and out of his depth but he's dangerous, but corey ends the film the same way he starts it, in a situation he has no control over and with only himself to blame. only this time he's having the last word, he's going to do what he could before and he's going to take laurie down with him.

relationships

rohan said ronald is "the loveliest thing" in corey's life, and that the gesture of giving the motorbike is "beautiful [but] manly and detached" (pg. 182), which is a way more sympathetic view than i have.

this is a wayyy more sympathetic view of their relationship than i have. i do like this angle though, the idea that corey and ronald did have some sort of relationship but that neither of them can express it very well, that they're taking the stereotypically masculine route of small gestures and not a lot of words. which seems at odds with what corey really needed from the only male role model in his life, but it's kinda sweet that corey must like ronald enough for him to be a good part of his life, rather than just neutral.

maybe the takes about ronald being a good stepdad aren't wrong 👀

corey falls for allyson most deeply when he sees how she is on the edge just as much as he is (pg. 215).

this made me wonder if allyson and corey could have ever been together without the events of the movies? if they still met by chance, would they get along? would the attraction still be there?

their relationship is based on parasocial affection and shared similar traumas, there's a certain emotional intensity there that translates to them making rash decisions and commitments that i don't think they would otherwise.

joan's last words (in an even more extended death scene) are begging "michael" not to hurt corey (pg. 222).

joanne baron has talked about joan's motivations and perspective in some interviews, so this scenes lines up very well with what she's said previously. joan has never treated corey like a person, he's an object for her to control, but her two moments of concern for him (when he comes home the morning after the party and her death scene) come from a seemingly natural and genuine place.

also, the biggest factor that made me loose my mind over this: she doesn't know it's corey killing her. she begs this masked murderer not to kill her son, not know that it is her son beneath the mask 💀

she's begging someone not to hurt corey after years of being the one who has hurt corey. it's too late to turn back, it was always going to end like this, but can you imagine what went through corey's mind in that moment? that his momma wanted him to be safe but never made him feel safe when she had the chance.

me whenever there is a direct quote from rohan in this book:

[ttccprojectoverdrive]

Part 1- Chip

Part 2- Flint

Part 3- Dave

Part 4- Graham

CW: mental health and angst

Best Friends

- Buck and Misty

These two have been friends since they were kids, and Dave was the one that introduced them to Buck. Their friendship is quite similar to the one between Dave and Misty, the difference being Misty having to reign Buck in more.

- Buck and Will

As mentioned in Part 3, things were complicated for a bit because of the Misty situation. After that was resolved, Buck and Will now have an easier time working together when they do. They also have shared interests and experiences, particularly when it comes to parenthood later on.

- Buck and Belle

She’s the sweet grandma Buck never got the chance to have, as his mom’s mom died when he was young and his dad’s mom is bitchy. Belle definitely dotes on him.

Friends

- Buck and Mary

These two get along, but don’t really have a lot in common. They like to learn about each other’s interests though!

- Buck and Holly

Similar to how Buck is with Holly, but there’s also the element of Holly either praising or criticizing Buck’s “brave choices”

- Buck and Spruce

Similar energy so they’d get into shenanigans, but they also don’t have a lot of interests in common.

- Buck and Thomas

Buck wishes he got to spend more time with him since he’s nice and polite, but he also understands that his energy and questionable choices can sometimes stress Thomas out.

- Buck and Alton

Quite similar to how it is with Spruce, but their personalities and interests align a little more.

- Buck and Winston

Winston thinks he’s a fun guy to be around and Buck both likes and protects him.

- Buck and the Directors

The directors are friends with Buck, but don’t get the chance to hang out as often as Buck’s other friends by a little bit. They get closer to Buck through Winston since Buck makes Winston happy. They all think Buck is a funny fella.

Dislike/Hate

- Buck and the Old CLO

Doesn’t know much about the guy and doesn’t really care to know much about him

- Buck and the CFO

A lot of tension between the two because the CFO let Brian perform the tune-up rather than someone more experienced to save money. Buck knows the operation to fix the brain damage caused by the tune-up costs a lot though, but at least he gets anti-psychotics for the schizophrenia that developed from the intense stress of the situation.

- Buck and Brian

OH BOY there’s so much tension and shared hatred it’s unreal. Buck tried to become friends with Brian at first, and even after the tune-up went wrong he at first still tried before Brian proved to him that he cared more about his own issues and reputation than the cog he’d permanently effected both physically and mentally. Buck’s dislike towards Brian skyrocketed to pure rage and hatred once project overdrive started, as not only were Brian and Ben hurting those he cares about but they would also say things to him they wouldn’t say to the others and treat him like shit thinking that, if any of it got out, people would more likely believe Ben and Brian over someone like Buck. The other managers and the public would of course go on to believe Buck later on, but while Buck was still stuck in a horrible situation the best way he could fight it was by trying to keep it together. Buck is very smart and that puzzles and frustrates Brian, but what upsets Brian the most about Buck is how similar the two are. Brian projects all bad feelings he has about himself onto Buck who he sees as having his worst qualities.

- Buck and Ben

Buck’s attempts at becoming his friend ended the same way it did between Buck and Brian, but for a while Buck tolerated Ben more and didn’t file a restraining order on him. All tolerance left his body and was replaced with hate after project overdrive started, and the two developed a rivalry similar to the one Buck and Brian share. Ben goes with emotional torment and abuse more often than trying to outwit Buck, and it hurts Buck but he does his best to not let Ben see that.

[youdontknowhowtodiequietly]

This is mad long, bare with, or don't lmao

TW's for: References to depression, r*pe, a*use towards women, and a bunch of other women rights related issues. I don't go in depth, but they are very much there. Be careful. Look after your mental health, please. Also a smidgen of spoilers for the Barbie movie at the end.

So, this whole tangent began with the Barbie movie. I've wrote all my thoughts down in a notebook, that's how I know what I'm going to type - vaguely. This will seem insane to have come from the Barbie movie, but I think it will hopefully be coherent. (Not like anyone will read this, lol. I am NOT anywhere near popular enough for this to even get a comment but here we go)

Right. A bit of context to my life. Since I was about 14, I have always felt that I am some sort of trans. For a while I thought I was non-binary, then I thought I was gender-fluid, then (a recent development) I thought I was a guy. So, you can imagine the absolute loop I have been thrown through when I realised that what I might have been feeling is internalised, borderline, misogyny.

Wild right? Let me explain.

Since I was 11, I have repeatedly heard the horrors of being female in this world. The rape/murders that happen on a daily basis. The horrors towards women in the past. The continued disregard for female autonomy. The abuse faced at the hands of people who are supposed to protect us. It's all horrific. Not only this, but I have seen, heard, learnt, about the way society completely destroys women. The lack of acknowledgement for the pain of females', the constant dismissal of mental illnesses, physical illnesses and disabilities (this also happens with males, too, I am aware, especially in the mental health department, but this section of this post is about people with the female anatomy.) The blatant disregard towards women who report abusive partners or stalkers is disgusting. (And that is just in 1st World countries where human rights are supposed to be the best. The horrors that happen in other countries are worse, but I am writing about what I know. I cannot say anything about other countries other than I know that there are some truly atrocious things happening to women in a lot of them because I am not educated on those situations. But believe me, I see it.) I see people AFAB lament the horrors of having the female anatomy. The wish to not have periods, or a uterus at all. The constant pressure put on women to look a certain way all the time. To not be too thin or too fat, not have too much hair but have enough that it doesn't look like you're trying too hard, etc. Honestly, the Gloria speech in Barbie is the best one I have ever heard about what it's like to be a woman. I see people expressing disgust at pregnancies, how they never wish to have one because it'll make them look ugly, or because of the complications that come with it. I have seen it, and do see it, all. For the past 7 years I have seen it all.

Can you imagine how much that has f-ed me up? I'm sure you can, because I'm sure it's also true for a lot of you.

All of this has made me hate the idea of being a woman.

When I was in my early years of high school (I'm in the UK and we start high school at 11 and finish at 16) I always said how I would "love to be a boy" because I always saw it as easier. I hated being a girl because everything was so shit. And that carried on into my later years of high school.

As I was introduced to the wonderful different gender identities that exist, I began reading and hearing stories of how trans/non-binary/gender-fluid, etc, people felt before they realised they were what they are. And I thought, "oh, damn. That me." So I began experimenting with labels. But even whilst I did that, whilst I played around with pronouns, names, hairstyles, clothing, I always felt this deep want to wear pretty dresses and have long hair. But I rejected those wants because I was "trans/non-binary/gender-fluid now and if I want those things then I can't be any of those." Which, yes, I know, is very binary of me. I understand that anyone can wear pretty dresses and skirts and have ling, flowy hair that they place sparkly pins in. I know. But you have to understand how damn difficult it is to ignore the stuff you have been taught all your life. I wanted to be called she/her but at the same time rejected those feelings because the thought of being a woman made me sick.

But then I watched the Barbie movie.

Now, I don't remember my childhood much. I don't know if it was what you would call "traditional girlhood." But I know it was good. And I know many AFAB have experienced horrendous childhoods, which hurts me to think about every time. But when I saw the ending of the Barbie movie. When the videos of those girls and women were playing. I felt something in me. I'm sure you've all heard different renditions of how the montage made women feel, and a lot of them is how I would describe how I felt. So, I won't get into it. But just know I felt a shift in me.

As well as that montage, other things in the movie got to me. The inherent femininity of it, for one. I know from discussions with other people, and from seeing many videos/blogs online, that what I'm going to mention is a common experience for a lot of AFAB. I hated the colour pink. Despised it. I only very very recently, before the Barbie movie, began admitting that the colour wasn't so bad. But the Barbie movie made me think that, omg, I might actually love the colour. Alongside the colour pink, I loved the outfits of the Barbies'. They were so freeing to see. As I wrote previously, I wanted to wear pretty skirts and dresses and have pretty hairstyles, but always refused to acknowledge that. Seeing the Barbies' in their overtly feminine clothing (again, I know I'm leaning into gender binary but please give me some slack. It's hard to write when you're not a novelist) made me feel giddy. I saw them and was like "pretty pretty pretty" and not just because all the women were beautiful lmao. It lit up a spark of joy in me seeing them dress in those clothes. That's how I can best describe my feelings. I just suddenly felt that I could wear those things. Weird, huh?

Another thing in the movie is the portrayal of happy older women.

This again links with the video montage, but also links with the old lady at the beginning of the movie saying she knows she's beautiful, with Ruth Handler being so gentle with Stereotypical Barbie and not ridiculing her for being stupid or naive. It also links with Gloria. I freaking loved Gloria. All of these portrayals made me so happy because it gave me a sudden sense of hope that I will be okay one day.

As someone with severe depression and probably autism/ADHD, who doesn't remember not being depressed, that really spoke to me. These women were happy. They were okay with themselves. No, the LOVED themselves. It was beautiful.

This movie healed me, just a bit, and let me make the first real steps to healing fully. I'm still not 100% sure about my gender identity, but tbh I don't quite care. I'm starting to wear makeup often, starting to take care of my body better. I also bought a cute little Stitch dress lmao, and a white, frilly tank-top with purple flowers on it. I'm embracing my feminine side and I've never felt more free.

It's a wonderful feeling. I'm surprised myself that this all came from a Barbie movie. But, at the same time, I think I was beginning to realise this about myself before the movie. Having finished college and not needing to worry about Uni as I'm not going has given me the freedom to actually look at myself, internally, and ask "what do I feel?" Again, linking back to the Barbie movie when Ruth says, "Take my hands...Now, feel." And I have done. I've asked what my brain needs, and it's full of pretty dresses and pretty hairstyles and warmth and a want to live again.

I'm aware that this may seem silly to a lot of people. Maybe even childish. But I don't care. And that's a lot for an 18 year old to say, because many people my age, and older, do care. A lot.

This has just been an introspection, but I chose to share it because maybe it will help other people.

(Also, heavy disclaimer if you got this far. I don't know what terms are still used now, or how they're used. And writing about girl/womanhood and femininity whilst also trying to be inclusive to those who have the female anatomy but don't identify as a woman, and those who don't have the female anatomy but identify as women is very difficult. So, I deeply apologise if I used the term AFAB wrong, or if it is no longer an accepted term. Also, if anything else in this post is wrong/offensive or incorrect, again I'm sorry. Please let me know what is wrong and how to fix it and I will do my best to edit this post with the updated terminology/fixes.)

[uncloseted]

are you anti-porn?

In general, I don't really like framing things as "pro" or "anti". I think most issues are more complicated than that, and by flattening it into a binary, people are discouraged from engaging with the nuance around whatever the topic is. I don't think porn should be banned, and I don't think it's inherently a bad thing. I think creating porn is something that's very human- the oldest porn archeologists have found is over 35,000 years old. I think sex work is work and should be treated like any other work that people do.

That said, there are, of course, aspects of porn that are concerning, especially in terms of the ways that it's typically produced and consumed. While it's gotten better in the past decade or so, adult film performers, especially female performers, are at an increased risk of sexual violence, STIs, and mental health problems, as a result of both the on-set environment and off-set stigma around their career. The industry is often exploitative and abusive towards its actors, and there aren't a lot of protections for adult film performers the way that there are for other types of actors. People are much more likely to form unhealthy parasocial relationships with them than they are with other celebrities, both positively and negatively, and those interactions can get overwhelming or even dangerous very quickly. Working as an adult film performer is physically grueling. And adult film actors often find it difficult to find professionals, such as doctors and therapists, who will work with them because of stigma around their profession. I want to be clear that all of this isn't to say that all porn sets are bad or that all adult film stars have been exploited, abused, or suffer from mental or physical health problems. It's just to say that because of the way the industry is structured and the lack of protections for performers, these types of issues are more likely to arise than they are for people in other lines of work.

The way that porn is being consumed since the advent of the internet is also something that I think is concerning. While porn can be a useful tool to help people figure out what they want and what they like, I think that increasingly, young people are learning about sex from porn, and as a result are developing skewed ideas of what's normal or what's expected of them in a sexual situation. I think female pleasure tends to be downplayed, misrepresented, or all together missing from porn, which can lead to women getting the wrong idea of how their body is "supposed" to work, and men getting the wrong idea of what will work for their female partner (or ignoring the pleasure of their female partner entirely), although again, I think this is slowly improving. I think that due to porn, some young people may feel pressured to engage in more extreme or niche sexual behaviors at younger ages, but that they may not know how to engage in those behaviors safely. I think for some people, porn has become a way to regulate their emotions, which can become problematic and habit-forming if they're using it in lieu of other emotional regulation techniques.

So, I don't totally know where I come down on it. I guess I think the adult film industry needs more protections for its performers, that we should be having more open and honest discussions with young people about pleasure, consent, and what is and isn't normal in a sexual situation, and we need better mental health support for young people in general so that porn doesn't become their only tool for dealing with uncomfortable emotions. But I don't think that porn itself is bad, and there are companies that make an effort to create "ethical" porn to try and address some of the issues I've mentioned here.

[charleecat-bat]

Important things the Guardians did:

Basically wanted to go through everything my Guardian family did as Guardians in their time that kinda makes them well known/iconic for their time and what was their most notable acts and achievements.

Shepherd- Basically, the pioneer. He set the bar. He gets props being the first one tbh Probably fought in a major war in his time and just had to solve a lot of issues with fighting... very tiring. I don't want to go into detail about a lot of 'physical' acts such as battles and fights, those are just probs obvious.

Marcello- Extended Scientific Research and revolutionised it in his time. Probablay made at least one scientific discovery.

Hadar- Reinstated diplomatic solutions and stopped a lot of issues the island was having through diplomacy. Something like that. Also improved health care and started to touch on many social and political issues

Rhett- Mental Health awareness, Anti-bullying for children and increasing the quality of children's services to protect them.

Coal- LGBT+ support and fighting for rights for the people.

Johnathan- Equality, LGBT+ Rights, Workers Rights and a lot of social issues

Morgan- Revolutionised Research on Chaos Energy and improved it's study of i. Also was an advocate for equal rights, as well as a lot of her other family but her becoming the first female guardian was the biggest reason she was known for it despite it not being her priority.

Chase- Worked to improve the education system, advocating for neurodivergent youth and people in general. Also advocated for trans folks and even got the island more well-known in the athletic world by going to an off-island international sports event with other angel island athletes.

Theodore- Mostly advocated for children getting better care and protection when abused or endangered, donated to improve hospitals and prisons and tried to improve on diplomatic solutions and was the most well-known for visiting hospitals occasionally to do origami and music with the patients, the visits increased more so after his trauma.

Seth- Extended communications outside of island with other regions further and also introduced more cultures to the island as well as showing off theirs with other places.

Sorrel- Improving medical practice, especially for trans people but in general wanting to improve medical practice. Also stepped in to improve the environment on their island, trying to make lifestyle more environmentally friendly and organic solutions and protect endangered plant life.

Tiberius- Worked on improving mechanical workings and engineering also worked to improve transportation on the island to make it more efficient, both in cars and also public transportation to make travelling through the island smooth and not try and destroy all of it for the sake of 'roads'.

Journey- Improved International agreements with the island and even got new ones due to her going off island much more than any other guardian, as well as improved international trading to and from the island so they got a lot more imported goods and could do international trades smoothly. Also stood for equal rights, but took it a step further but discussing and advocating the issues all species, sexes and genders face.

Cedar- not an official guardian but did a lot of volunteer work and went off island to assist in many troubled cities, countries and islands. Also advocated a lot about unknown health issues such as his.

Salem- advocate for animal rights, worked to improve animal protection, trying to protect endangered and native species. Also worked to improve the livestock industry and making It more sustainable for the island.

Lance- Technological and software developments and Inventions that are unique to Angel Island. Well as adding even more technological aide to angel island and also increased awareness on internet usage and safety. Also advocated many physical and mental health causes, especially ones that were close to him.

Knuckles has a lot to live up to huh? no pressure buddy... fr tho the family tries to indicate so much to the newbie to please dont' feel pressured just do what you feel you want/need to do to improve the island the best way you think possible.

EDIT: should also give hounrable mention to Evangeline, while she was not a guardian. She did plant the seeds for the guardian concept (despite them being much more different then what was made of the idea) as well as her engineering developments/ideas and political stance still being known, used and looked upon highly to this day.

[like-wuatafauq]

Idk if you’re looking for a girlfriend now, but if you are what’s your type?

Hello 👋 yea I actually am! :) I'll probably be very slow with it if I just meet someone bcuz it takes me a while before I develop crushes. Also this is a long post i know!!!

But my type is someone who's gonna be long term that leads to marriage, I really can't be with someone who won't commit to me or likes multiple ppl. (BTW I'm not trying to sound like I would shit on anybody who doesn't follow any of this that I list I just look for this personally bcuz I know otherwise it won't work out)

Distance: I can do long distance because I'm willing to travel, of course I'd prefer near me but I'm just saying I'd be willing to do it for someone.

Appearance: high femme(doesn't matter goth,cottagecore other) she doesn't have to be high femme all the time but I do prefer someone more feminine than me. I really like when a girl has long nails I don't care if it's natural nails or not I just really like how they look. I like when girls have long hair and style it especially as pigtails that shit makes me fold so easily. I don't necessarily have a type when it comes to other physical feautures but i would prefer that they look nothing like my ex who traumatized me because that would be super weird for me(she had very basic white girl features, I'm not trying to be mean to white girls she just genuinely did)

I'm not very picky on skin color or weight :) I'm Demisexual so I have to trust you and know you for a bit before I get intimate and find you sexually/physically attractive.

Age: preferably 22-27

Height: not taller than me because I like being tall and how it feels to be hugged by someone shorter than me. I'm 5'10 so I'd say 5'8 is the tallest I'd date.

Religion: I don't necessarily care but I'd prefer for her to atleast be spiritual, witchy or believe in something. It felt very empty not connecting spiritually with someone I don't think I could do that ever again. (I'm trying to be bewitched body and soul)

Personality: Really nice and caring :) She's gotta be funny and weird like me though lol into cosplay and anime so that I can cosplay the whole family ^-^ which means at least one kid but I've always wanted 3 with the option of my wife wanting more (I'd be super okay with that). Super affectionate. Super honest and understanding. I value honesty and loyalty heavilyyyy. She can be unhinged and if she's got any mental health issues I'm okay as long as they communicate with me and don't use it to abuse,cheat, and basically hurt me. Like they gotta also be working on themselves because I know my brain is super fuckked but apologies and taking accountability things like that matter to me so much so i make sure i do it too especially if you point out something to me that means a lot because i wanna be able to work on it so i can treat my partner better and stay together:) I really value someone who can support me and me towards them.

Oh Also!! Plz god a bottom. Plz mainly a bottom or like a switch is fine but with a bottom preference. I just really really really really ah let's just say I'm very hungry and ready to eat all the time. I prefer submissive bottom or dominant bottom is fine or if you are gonna top me plz don't be dominant,like service top is fine(but its very rare for me to bottom). I looove being a service top or dom top just topping in general.

On another note on sexuality: I use to not care but after my ex I feel like I'd be waaaaay too hurt or insecure or anxious to date someone who is not a lesbian, so I'm trying les4les not because I think any other sexuality is bad but because i know for a fact I would need an annoying amount of reassurance to not wanna break down or panic. And I don't want to put someone through that. I would have to really realllyyyy trust the person, and even then, I fear I would burden them. Sorry yall my ex fucked me up big time.

But basically: long-term monogamous, very affectionate healthy obsessive possessive femme.

[Other random notes: when it comes to finances work etc. I like providing but I would never get in the way of a woman wanting to succeed in fact I would support her in anyway whether is work partner or at house work or like if she wanted to just be a housewife that's fine I'll work harder to provide. People don't realize taking care of house work is just as important as a partner providing!! I try to be as specific as possible because i wouldn't want to lead someone on]

💖Ooooo bonus if she loves to bake and cook so I can get little treats when I get back from the gym!💖

[the80srewinders]

We saw a post on r/SystemsCringe that is uneducated and invalidating. It’s about why OP faked DID. The picture is attached below, but we will be correcting them and adding our own commentary.

The OP said: “You all know how it goes. I was too exposed to the internet at a young age. I was dealing with some mental health issues and I decided that falling into a delusion was a good escape and a more healthy way to participate in self care pretending to be different people. The pretending went on for about 2 years.”

Many kids are exposed to the internet at a young age and it never affects them. A lot of people with mental health issues roleplay to deal with anything they can’t. It’s how tulpas are accidentally created. This doesn’t sound like faking DID. It sounds like they started roleplay to help their mental health.

The OP said: “No, I genuinely thought I had DID. I did research and fit all the criteria, until I brought it up in therapy and my therapist said it most likely wasn’t real.”

If you thought you had DID you weren’t faking. Fakers know they’re faking. If you fit all the criteria, you probably have DID. It also sounds like your therapist said DID wasn’t real and that’s how you found out you were “faking.” DID is real even if people fake it. Studies with neuroimaging prove it- there’s differences in the brains of DID systems compared to singlets. Alters are associated with different parts of the brain that light up on neuroimaging when being co conscious or fronting. DID is associated with a smaller hippocampus and some cases a small amygdala. There is proof DID is real and your therapist is uneducated. Frankly, they’re part of the problem.

The OP said: “How did you recover? Therapy, therapy, and more therapy. Distancing myself from apps like TikTok, Reddit, Instagram, Discord and Simply Plural. Accepting it was a delusion and giving myself some grace. Using mental health apps such as finch and stoic. This Reddit page!” Now this is where I stop and correct the last part of the quote separately. Like I said above your therapist is the problem. They convinced you that you were faking, but since you can’t fake something if you aren’t consciously pretending to have it, you convinced yourself it was a delusion because of the therapist. That’s why therapy “helped” you “recover.” Distancing yourself from TikTok is good because there’s many fakers on there, but fakers on Reddit and Discord are rare. Most of the people accused of faking DID on both are endogenic and never claim they have DID. And fakers on instagram are so rare we never knew it goes on much less was possible.

Now for the part I separated, for obvious reasons: “I realized how rare DID was and now reading the posts it wouldn’t make sense for a teenager to have a full developed personality disorder. Exposing myself to this Reddit and also r/fakedisordercringe really extremely helped me. Thank you.”

DID is not rare. It is an underdiagnosed disorder that affects millions of people worldwide, probably in the hundred millions if we’re talking undiagnosed and self diagnosed combined with the diagnosed. Because the disorder is from constant trauma (child abuse being the most common and watching parents abuse each other or fight being the second most common) the people who are undiagnosed will probably stay that way- abuse victims are often intellectually or physically disabled, so they will never live on their own and escape abuse to get mental help. The abuse victims without disabilities can escape and get mental help. That’s the diagnosed population we talk about when we say “1.5 percent of the population has DID.” If someone has DID and hears about it no matter what age they are their system will show itself and they’ll notice the symptoms they’ve always had but never knew or thought were normal things everyone does. That’s the self diagnosed population that gets fakeclaimed. There is no age limit on who can have DID there’s only a time limit on when it can happen. To have DID you have to be traumatized constantly before the age of 5-8. DID is not a full developed personality disorder, it’s a dissociative disorder with an undeveloped personality with a memory and identity that isn’t integrated. DID is a disorder that affects the personality because of a domino effect: trauma causes dissociation, dissociation causes the parts of the personality to never integrate into one identity and memory, so the personality is stuck between what the alters are like but it is one whole personality in one brain.

The OP said “No hesitation, yes. I feel as if I disrespected real people with a real disorder and I’m trying to get involved in every step towards recovering from the delusion.”

This sounds like a real system in denial. They convinced themself they aren’t a system and are really good at it. They might be a singlet but after reading this line, it sounds like what a persecutor would say and after they said they genuinely thought they had DID and went through a lot of trouble to convince themself they didn’t have that and it was a delusion I’d bet they’re a real system.

The post: