#phil lester: doing whatever phil lester does

[unholiervenom]

[ingydar-phan]

Sometimes i feel like some phannies have zero critical thinking. Shaking yall by the shoulders and saying. Dan is gay. Dan is gayyyy. Dan is GAY! Dan is a homosexual man!!!!!!!!!!

[verianal]

Dan and phil are cookies?!?

+some 2015 dnp designs ^^

[danandfuckingjonlmao]

oh god i just remembered a dream i had last night where i somehow won a phannie sweepstakes that i didn’t sign up for and the prize was dan and phil staying at my house for two days.

the first night, i was going to sleep on my bedroom floor. i hadn’t seen them yet, so i wasn’t even 100% sure the phweepstakes was legit. but just as i was going to sleep, i looked up, and there they were.

dan was in my laundry room (which is right across the hall from my bedroom), doing my laundry (most unrealistic part of the dream, but as he fucking should). and phil? phil was standing like he was in this picture:

just🧍🏼but with a face more like slime!phil:

mixed with the energy of his reaction to dan saying superstitions aren’t real:

so basically, this is what i saw:

(that’s the actual view of my laundry room from my bedroom floor)

so i made eye contact with phil, which was a huge mistake. he started stomping towards me, slowly but with really intense stomps, like it was hard for him to move. dan turned around momentarily and then seemed to realise what phil was about to do, and without reacting, turned back to my laundry.

phil was getting closer, and i knew i was in trouble. as quickly as i could, i pulled out my phone to snap a picture for proof that they were in my house, because i always have dreams within dreams that i saw dan and phil and then would wake up still within the dream and have no proof. i managed to capture two shaky pictures before phil reached me and everything went black.

then i woke up (still in my dream) in a room i didn’t recognise. my mom was in the bed next to me. “mom, where did dan and phil go?!?!”

she looked at me confused. “what are you talking about?”

i didn’t answer her, i just asked, “where’s my phone?” my hands were shaking, i knew in that moment that at least part of it had been a dream, but i also felt deep within me that it really happened. i just needed the picture to show her, so she’d believe me.

i found my phone and unlocked it. with shaking hands, i went to my camera roll and clicked on the first picture.

the picture did show my laundry room, but dan and phil weren’t in it. there was, however, a blurry shape in the center. my mom assumed that it was just because the picture was bad quality, but i knew. i knew it was phil. and i knew that no one would ever believe me, that i would have to live with the truth for the rest of my life.

a bunch of other shit happened not related to dnp before i actually woke up for real, but that’s not what’s important.

what’s important is this: do not EVER let phil lester into your house. if he does manage to get in though, PROMISE me, whatever you do, you won’t look him in the eyes.

definitely let dan in though. he’ll do your laundry.

[sillylittleroomba]

Philm Club W2 - Oct 19, 2015

Here are my stream-of-consciousness thoughts from this week's Philm Club 💖

immediately feeling so nostalgic for this era, but also so so sad for how exhausted they were all the time, now that we have more insight into how much they overworked themselves

they are so vocal in today's era about how much they love us but I'm reminded how much they loved us then, how much they have always loved us (despite the nature of our relationship back then being more complicated sometimes)

TATINOF 😭

GOD what these two kids would think about TIT I can't even imagine - both the production quality/etc of the show itself but also the content and the way they relate to us now

"literal butt being showed to the entire audience" to whatever degree Sister Daniel would send 2015 fans into a coma, it would put 2015 Dan in a grave

another incredible story about Phil injuring himself in a silly way on stage (some things never change and I love him so much)

there really is something so precious about seeing their natural, unscripted, easy banter and silliness - I miss that about the livestreams

I reaaaaally miss regular updates on dan's music takes wow

something about rewatching this live show is throwing me right back into my 2015 brain way more than rewatching the videos from that time, it's making me so nostalgic in a way I wasn't expecting? This takes me back to the experience of being a fan at that time in a way nothing else does

I really hope they do something else one day that allows them to tour after TIT - it remains obvious just how much they love it

I haven't rewatched any younow (certainly not since the dapg return) and it's not that I'm shocked, but seeing how much Dan has changed in the last 9.5 years (even just the last 5-7) is making me teary. The way he jokes about himself is so wildly different now, and it's so so precious to me

I would have given anything to get this kind of livestream about random little tour bts stories for TIT

oh to live in the brain of phil lester, getting so sidetracked by the laundry scent of his own tshirt

I continue to be baffled by the english school systems??

aww the very 00s-10s urge to wear festival wristbands, what a perfect merch item for them to do

TABINOF remains (to me) one of the coolest things they've ever done and I'm so glad they made it the big deal it deserved to be

They're describing being interviewed on BBC Breakfast, and on one hand it's hilarious that 10 years later they're still being asked the same questions about the basics of creating and making a living from YouTube content, but also I forget that at the time, nobody was really doing what they were doing? With the book and tour they really broke so many molds and were such pioneers in their field. They're our silly little guys, but also they are... incredibly creative and proficient in their profession and were trailblazers for so many people coming behind them

imagine living in a time where dan casually references recent danisnotonfire uploads, it feels like another life

DYINGGG over phil mocking dan's hand gestures when talking about TWD

I do wish I could watch The Martian for the first time again actually

I should give the TABINOF audiobook a re-listen... the Dining Chair Quiz is bringing back so many memories

Dan unintentionally prophesying WAD there at the end is so special to me ("you think the end is nigh?" "yeah")

The precious, priceless, Ranch Metaphor of their dynamic is lovely through this whole thing and I just love them both

[enbye]

PHROLLSONAS

It's apparently 2014 again because I just made Dan and Phil as Homestuck Trolls. I don't know what possessed me to do this in the year of our lord 2024 but I don't think any of ya'll are in a position to judge me

DANIEL HOWELL

Muse of Heart, Derse, Sign: GEMO

PHILIP LESTER

Lord of Time, Prospit, Sign: AQUIUS

EXPLANATIONS UNDER CUT:

I am in no way a classpect expert. I'm going based off what I've read and my Homestuck knowledge. I didn't get the classpect DLC when I got the homestuck autism- I got the Alternian Culture special interest instead. In any case, here's my best crack at it:

DANIEL HOWELL: MUSE OF HEART, DERSE DREAMER, GEMO

Derse dreamer- skeptical, rebellious, self-aware, “But as so much of their identity is built on control, they will do their utmost to hide any insecurities, often with false humility or self-deprecating humor.” 

Aspect: My first instinct was Time, but in order to be a Time player you have to have the ability to “go with the flow” just a bit. Not overthink things. They’re very action oriented, yes, but Time players should be able to rely on their instinct a bit. Even though the aspects are sometimes what the player would struggle the most with, I just can’t see Dan getting a good grip on Time at all. He’d have way too many existential crises, and he’d overthink things way too much. Also, Dan’s “ultimate self” is more about accepting himself, loving himself. Learning to appreciate where he is at the moment, rather than learning to take action without overthinking.

For that reason, I went with the HEART aspect. 

Class: I was tempted to go with Page for the whole “slowly start, but when they finally achieve it’s probably the most powerful class” but I don’t think the end result quite matches. I don’t think Dan’s ultimate self is about *using* his aspect. I think it’s about understanding and inspiring. For that reason I was tempted to go with either Mage or Muse. I know Muse is pretty much a “female only class” Or, at least, the paradox space tends to label it as such, but Sister Daniel does seem to be a big part of Dan’s journey to understanding and inspiring with his aspect so I went with Muse, cause fuck it.

For their blood colors I just went with what their zodiac sign was bc I didn’t feel like getting too wet and wild with the hemospectrum stuff so he’s a gold blood. 

PHILIP LESTER: LORD OF BREATH, PROSPIT DREAMER, AQUIUS

Prospit: Optimistic, reactive, intuitive. “They solve problems with creativity rather than cold logic” “When making decisions Prospit Dreamers tend to rely on gut instinct and whatever emotions they are experiencing at the moment.” “They have trouble thinking things through, and their feelings toward specific situations and decisions can change from day to day.” Idk it just fits

Aspect was a bit tricky. For a second there I thought Hope, but I didn’t think the “black and white” thinking fit very well. I was very tempted to go with Blood, but ultimately decided to go with Breath instead. I think the “”flaws”” for Breath fit better than the “”flaws”” for blood. Phil is, surprising for nobody but him, a great leader and inspirational, charismatic. He leaves Huge impacts in people’s lives without even realizing it. Without even considering it a possibility, even. Not became he’s insecure, but because that’s not his intention. Phil’s ultimate self is about the bonds he makes, which is why I was so tempted to go with Blood, but it’s also about finding a place that he is happy in, and about doing what he loves. The ultimate goal for Phil’s ultimate self is about enjoying the journey and motivating himself to be looking ahead, straight forward, and taking the actions to get there. 

Class was really hard to choose, I ended up going with Lord. I think Phil’s power for inspiration and adaptability is best utilized when he’s dominating a space he’s in. When he’s using his talents on purpose to achieve his goals. I think *that’s* what his ultimate self is really about. Using his gift for charisma, inspiration, motivation, and adaptability to achieve his goals in a very intentional way. 

Again, went with their actual zodiac, so violet blood.

lmk what ya'll think. Hopefully my explanations made sense? I spent WAY too long on this so I'm gonna go eat now

[simplydnp]

I get the sense that Phil just likes to make “”weird”” stuff and has somewhat dialed back his weirdness due to his popularity and age. But I would love to see what an unfiltered 30 year old phil Lester video would look like. What stories does he want to tell? How does he want to tell those stories?

honestly i think phil is really good at playing out whatever his brain is thinking at the time. i think a lot of people struggle with ideas because they'll be seen as too 'weird' or 'strange' or even 'impossible', and what's neat about phil is he either doesn't have those boxes, or he's able to push through them in pursuit of creating the thing to its full potential. people describe him as creative, which he is, but i think it leaves out some of his best attributes as a creator. he's inventive--remember the countless trends and challenges that came from him that have swept the internet? he's fearless--and this doesnt mean that he's not afraid of anything (for phil its probably the opposite actually) but he does things despite the fear, regardless of the unknown. he's a relentless and passionate creator who likes to make things and values seeing them through to the end. but he's not naive either--he and dan have talked about each other being their harshest critics. it's not just that he's an ideas guy, he's a good ideas guy who knows how to make something flourish.

i don't think current phil is sitting in a box waiting for his chance to break free of his popularity. he could've stopped years ago, similar to dan, if he didn't want this. but he likes doing it. he gets to have his choice on which of his ideas turn into projects, without having the stress of Needing a brilliant idea and execution every week. right now i think a lot of his energy is focused on the gaming channel. as he's expressed to us a few times, it was him who really wanted it back, and he's been ready for a long time. dan's even admitted that he's been enjoying it, and i think a lot of that comes down to phil's creative directing. he loves the gaming channel and is so thrilled it's back--his own content has taken a step back in terms of upload regularity, and i genuinely don't think he could be happier about it.

i would love a big phil project, but i honestly don't see him doing a tour of his own unless he brings dan with him, and then why not have it be something they can do together? does that make sense? that seems to be his thought process about things. it's why i've suggested taskmaster cause it's a local thing that wouldn't keep him from home for a long while, but he does get to flex his creativity, intelligence, and humour.

i'm looking forward to anything phil does. his current project seems to be making dan happy and they're both having a lot of fun doing that

[rainbow-phannie]

Hi mutual What are your top 5 DNP videos off the top of your head and why / favorite moments from them

hi! a difficult question but I would say that the top 5 that come to me right away would be:

1) conjoined sweater baking (honestly, don’t know why it just stuck with me and I watched it so many times and when it first came out I remember the rollercoaster of all the feelings lol),

2) the second part of the impossible quiz (iconic phil lester you’re a genious, my fave moment possibly ever lol I hear it at least once a month in Dans voice in my head),

3) I know it doesn’t really count as dnp video/moment but Phil video where he does tarot (the way it perfectly depicted dan???I always tear up when I remember this video, it’s just yeah… lol),

4) the sims! I love the series as a whole, but especially the episode when dil meets tabitha for the first time, I can’t remember now which one was it, and again I dont know exactly why, it’s just an episode that comes to my mind first and one that I really feel emotional about because it kind of was the beginning of everything,

5) and of course how can I forgot one of my other fave moments aka ladydoor loool (and female exit… oh phil)

I will let myself add a special one more video because technically I talked about 4 dnp videos, i can’t remember the name right now, but it was a vlog from their christmas shopping, it was just so nice to watch and so domestic and warm and yeah, one of my faves even though I haven’t watch it in a while

also (I swear, I know I keep adding and adding, but I just have to add this one and that is all I will add!) I have been really enjoying dan reacting to tik toks lol and that is possibly because firstly I just love watching them do whatever they want to do but also it reminds me of Jenna Marbles and I loved when she did those type of videos and dnp videos give me the same vibes!

[ellistruggle]

it kinda sucks that i am starting to loose interest in dan and phils content ... i still love em and watch everything and believe me, i wish dan the absolute best with whatever he does because i really appreciate him and his decisions but... idk its hard when nothing new comes for an entire year yknow.

[phantrxsh]

If 2019 is anything like this video, I literally can't wait. He's already swearing and making innuendoes this is wild. I love the new background too, it's so cute!! I'm so glad lion's still there too. Now onto the future! <3

[feelingofcontent]

DNP Rewatch: I TRY TO GIVE DAN A HAIRCUT!!

Date video was published: 05/14/2021 (X)

DNP Main Channel Rewatch: 441

Honestly I still rewatch this video every couple of weeks, so there aren’t going to be too many surprises. This Insta story from Dan that teased this video, from when he was doing a Q&A about mental health, still gets me. 🥺

0:00 - the start is immediately great with Dan already shaking his head

0:10 - “do not snip them next to my head” ...literally what he’s going to be doing 😂

0:17 - Phil is so smiley in the background already

0:27 - aww, Dan looks scared; Phil just looks amused

0:31 - somehow they’re getting even closer together with Phil standing then when they just sit next to each other

0:35 - why is THIS the example he’s using?! (why does Dan say that was an “okay job”... what.) why did they not reference the last time Phil cut Dan’s hair that they had talked about in the CAH Phan Edition video? where he actually did a decent job?

0:42 - the call-out of the eye contact! thanks Phil, now I don’t have to point that out

0:58 - how even. Phil’s face after he says “lubricant”...unnecessary 😳

1:04 - and then Dan shoving Phil away before his worry for Phil takes over his self preservation instinct and he yanks him back. because of course Dan’s going to help him

1:36 - love Dan’s face as he realizes exactly what Phil is going to say there

1:51 - I know Phil is bringing in the horror-movie element here like he loves to do but every time they reference how long it’s been I can’t handle it

1:59 - very quick jump-cut away from that gentle shoulder touch

2:08 - Dan looks so pleased by this

2:30 - really want to know where Dan was going with the “Philip Lester” there

2:34 - sometimes mirror eye contact is not enough

3:09 - “transitional period” I really feel like other delays of things later in 2021 caused this to be dragged out more...I’m not sure we’re out of it yet

3:21 - Phil letting Dan use his channel for book promo and helping him with it 🥺

3:46 - Dan with no reaction to Phil just grabbing his ears...Phil with lots of little touches in this one even when not actually doing the haircut

4:03 - the IMMEDIATE eye contact after that. “I’ve gotta be honest with you. Otherwise we’re not gonna get anywhere” truth from Phil

4:25 - Dan is on the nose there...that is exactly his hair from the Jamaica videos

4:30 - Dan’s hair looks very thick. and soft

5:03 - aww at Phil taking him seriously and reassuring him there

5:09 - Phil really just saying whatever goes through his head here

5:25 - “put a rubber on it” gonna blame Dan for Phil not being able to figure out what he’s saying here 😂

5:37 - Phil...Phil. 😳

5:44 - he did have a cape-thing but it didn’t work for cutting his own hair, so he must have thrown it away then. they just used a towel the previous time Phil cut Dan’s hair

6:00 - the sexy music addition and the logo edit there, lol

6:05 - so many Dan hyena laughs in this

6:21 - Dan actually jumped there! he seems actually a bit scared

6:27 - feel like we’re missing an inside joke there...they were too on the same page

6:53 - I bet something was said during that brief jump-cut hahaha

6:58 - still cannot believe they kept showing us shots of the bedroom of all the rooms. and those floating stairs

7:08 - ah, the start of the golden pig war! a great running gag from 2021

7:28 - Phil is proud of himself for this idea...poor Dan

7:51 - I always want vegetable crisps after watching this

8:04 - “don’t be mad” is not what you want to hear. Dan shouldn’t be too concerned; this is how it looked last time too. also, cannot get over the stacks of TATINOF cubes they’re using to hold the laptop and the drink/snacks

8:38 - “you do not get my AdSense” 😂

8:43 - Phil is so gentle when he’s touching his hair just a few seconds before this and so not here. also Dan’s “yelp review” there is great

8:53 - very very slightly better. personal space does not exist

9:00 - “that was surprisingly beautiful” okay sure Phil...judgement may be slightly clouded by something there

9:28 - Phil is really concentrating during this bit

9:34 - the “yeah” counter is so self-aware 😂 especially after the Stereo shows where we were all joking about Phil just showing he was listening (or not) by saying “yeah” a ton when Dan was speaking

10:01 - Phil seemed to be on a bit of his own mental health journey in 2021, with talking about it more and then eventually seeing a therapist for the first time as well

10:09 - Dan is just fully talking to Phil in the mirror at this point

10:21 - what is that Phil face after “completely naked” 👀 that he zoomed in on to make sure we didn’t miss too

10:35 - ahahaha, I love that Phil included the “reasons why Dan’s a fail” intro there

11:08 - Phil’s editing during this section is so fantastic

11:18 - he should have called it that! no maybe not, but that was a hilarious idea

11:29 - not over this moment, nope nope nope 😭

11:31 - Phil just saying “he’s talking about dick” what even

11:38 - Phil with the shocked face. yeah, the amount of bits in the book that seem like Dan just talking to Phil...

11:44 - the gentle touches here 🥺

11:50 - how long is Phil spending in the bathroom to deserve this call-out, lol

12:04 - oh god the square hair was so bad

12:07 - “Long Boi” is the famous duck that lived at the uni Phil went to  

12:10 - Dan is not ready there...Phil did stop right away of course. and then specifically asked “ready?” before he actually cut after that

12:26 - doing it neatly with the scissors is a lot more difficult than just using the electric trimmer-thing

12:34 - Phil does not seem to be doing this in any sort of logical order 😂

12:59 - “it’s much straighter than you” I love it

13:04 - why the asmr moment here

13:11 - “our life” and then can we talk about Dan tweeting this just a few weeks later 😭

13:24 - Phil just listening and with the soft smile

13:47 - “you don’t like giving other people control” seems like a giant understatement. and I don’t think Phil is much different with that

14:00 - from a distance that side looked alright...the close up is questionable

14:13 - 😂 oh dear. how did he even manage that

14:28 - Phil just running away

14:40 - “do we love it?” I bet there was some discussion and fixing of this off-camera

14:58 - another “don’t get mad”

15:00 - whyyyy the zoom-in as he says “6 inches” 

15:03 - Phil really just went for it there...he did not think about it at all

15:27 - that is definitely a look...Phil just agreeing with him

15:45 - wooo, that side is very short with a very severe line

15:58 - they must have cut out a bit of cleaning it up there

16:05 - Dan just looking so fond over this terrible haircut

16:27 - Dan immediately prepared with a prop for this story as Phil is telling it

16:58 - this moment kills me 😂 between how messy the hair is, the wine glass, the look on his face, and Phil screaming and dropping scissors in the background. could not have been planned better

17:10 - LMAO alrighty then

17:35 - they really should have just left out the close-cup

17:51 - so the part Phil didn’t really cut hahaha

18:07 - the softest “thanks Phil” 🥺

18:11 - Dan was not expecting Phil to get this edited and up so quickly I guess

18:26 - the first time I watched this I could not believe what was happening from here through the end. still feels a bit like a fever dream

18:33 - Phil looking so fond and immediately coming closer

18:42 - and then using a little slap of all things to break the too-positive tension. what even.

18:44 - and then them both immediately laughing

18:55 - ooo the mystery. he was getting ready for the YouTube pride thing at this point. we still don’t know what was supposed to come after that 🙁

19:14 - Phil looks like he had had a haircut too between filming and editing...would like to see some filmed clips of that

19:21 - and this bit made me cry the first time I watched. and still occasionally 😭

19:34 - supportive Phil

19:55 - “it’s too late now” because this has been uploaded and more because their life is already just shared

19:56 - I wonder if Phil had Dan review the rest of the video as usual and then tacked this on just before uploading. and then somehow had to get him to watch the whole thing again after that. Dan’s comment on the video (that Phil liked) is also just so much 🥺

Probably my favorite video of 2021. I mean...it is everything. It’s definitely the video I currently rewatch the most.

It was uploaded just four days before YWGTTN was released. Dan was doing tons promo around this time, which Phil was apparently helping with. I honestly still can’t believe Dan let Phil cut his hair before he was on camera SO MUCH for that promo. Phil’s dizziness issue had also started happening around or shortly before this time, as he was already having scans for that (1, 2) in mid-May.

[unorthodoxsavvy]

The X-Philes: Chapter 4

Phil is a psychic. Dan is a detective. When Phil is visited by the ghost of his brother, he knows something isn't right. Can he and Dan solve the case, or will they become the next victims?

Rating: M

For Moe, who always believed I was a writer at heart. May 1941-May 2022

“It’s three thirty in the morning-”

Phil barged his way past Dan into his room.

“Someone’s here,” Phil repeated. 

Dan looked around. “Who? Where?”

“A spirit,” Phil clarified, making a beeline for the desk. He grabbed the hotel pen and notepad.

“Oh, a spirit,” Dan repeated in a sarcastic “of course” tone.

Phil didn’t respond.

“Do you know who it is,” Dan asked, playing along with whatever Phil was doing.

“No, but they’re trying to tell me something… tell you something…” Phil’s eyebrows furrowed.

“Here, take it,” Phil insisted, thrusting the pen and notepad towards Dan.

“I don’t want it!” Dan shoved away Phil’s hands.

“They want to talk to you!” Phil reiterated, bringing his hands back in front of him.

“Great, tell them I said no.” Dan shoved Phil’s hands away again.

Phil gripped the notebook and pen tighter, clutching them to his chest.

“I don’t know how much information I’m going to get out of them,” Phil stated firmly.

“I don’t care,” Dan stared at Phil’s wide eyes, making sure Phil knew he was serious.

Phil’s face fell for a second before becoming stiff. His eyes took on a glassy look, staring straight ahead, as if he was looking through Dan, and his hand moved across the pad stiffly, almost as if it wasn’t of his own accord.

Just as quickly as it came, whatever it was, it went.

Phil looked down at the notepad.

73

“Does this mean anything to you?” Phil asked, turning the pad away from him to show Dan.

“Seventy-three? Does seventy-three mean anything to me?” Dan asked incredulously.

“I told you I didn’t think I would be able to get much-”

“You know what Lester? Just go, okay? Get out of here, go.”

Phil hesitated.

“Out!” Dan’s eyes flashed with anger.

Phil clenched his teeth and looked away, like he was trying not to cry. He returned the notepad and the pen to the table and walked out.

Dan ripped the paper off the pad. He crumpled it up and threw it in the wire waste bin.

“Seventy-three,” he repeated to himself spitefully. 

He got a drink of water, used the bathroom, and then crawled back into the motel bed.

*-*-*-*-*

Phil woke up to a pounding on his door.

This time it was Dan standing outside his motel room.

“Breakfast is downstairs and then we’re going,” Dan informed him before turning away to swipe his key card to his own room.

“Where are we going?” Phil asked, rubbing a fist in his eye.

“You have half an hour.”

Dan shut the door behind him.

“Alright then, keep your secrets,” Phil quoted under his breath.

He closed his own motel door and made his way over to his suitcase which was laid out on the desk. 

He grabbed some clothes and got in the shower.

Down in the breakfast room the motel was serving a variety of things including cereal, bagels, muffins, oatmeal, and more. They had coffee and tiny plastic cups to fill with apple or orange juice.

Phil glanced over the muffins and snickered to himself. He took at step over and grabbed a bagel to put in the toaster.

While he waited he grabbed himself a plastic cup and pressed the button for apple juice. The cup was so small he was able to finish it in two sips.

He threw the cup in the trash, lamenting about plastic waste, and started to make himself a cup of coffee while his bagel toasted.

As the pot was brewing he heard the toaster go off, and from the corner of his eye he watched as his bagels magically appeared.

He placed a paper plate down in front of the toaster and grabbed each half, dropping them swiftly.

Individual cups of cream cheese were available in a basket next to the bagel display. Phil grabbed two and a plastic knife and placed them on top of the bagel.

The pot finished spitting out its drink and Phil grabbed a heat-resistant cup to pour his coffee in, adding the cream and sugar that were also provided to him.

Phil sat at an empty table and stirred his coffee, letting to cool off while he peeled back the coverings on the cream cheese and dipped his knife in, spreading it around. 

Personally, he felt like plastic knives were basically useless, but he understood their purpose here. In all honesty they reminded him of school meals growing up. His mom, however, had always kept a durable plastic knife that she’d use to cut brownies with. She said they cut better with plastic than with metal. He’d never bothered to try.

Phil took a sip of his coffee and a bite of his bagel when Dan sat down at the table in the seat across from him.

“Are you almost ready to go?”

Phil stared at him over the top of his bagel.

“No?” Phil answered, mouth full of bread and cream cheese.

“Okay, well, hurry up,” Dan ordered, getting up from the table.

Phil turned to watch him walk away.

“You know, I really don’t feel like going to the hospital again,” he implied, but Dan was already out of ear shot.

Phil huffed and turned back to his food, taking care to eat slowly and carefully, as everyone should in his opinion.

When he was done he got up to throw away his empty cup and plate. Dan once again appeared.

“Can I at least brush my teeth?”

“No, now let’s go.”

*-*-*-*-*

“Did you become a detective because you wanted to find your dad?” Phil asked as they drove. 

Dan didn’t answer.

“That’s where we’re going, isn’t it? To see your dad.”

Dan still didn’t answer, so Phil pulled his phone and earbuds out if his pocket to listen to his music.

The drive to the graveyard wasn’t a long on, and before Phil expected to they had arrived.

It was a hilly graveyard with winding paved roads reaching different areas of the grounds. Headstones of all shapes and sizes broke up the landscape as did scattered trees, fountains, and mausoleums. It was a nice place for a final rest.

Dan parked the car along one of these paved pathways and got out. Phil paused his music and pulled his earbuds out before climbing out of the car as well. He moved to the grass on the side of the path, waiting for Dan to come around to his side of the car.

“Stay back,” Dan ordered, making his way over to his father’s gravesite. It wasn’t really a grave, though, not really. There was no body buried there, after all.

Phil put his earbuds back in and sat on the curb. The feeling in the cemetery was potent, but it was peaceful. Phil tried his best to close himself off from the other side. He didn’t make a habit of visiting graveyards and when he did, he kept to himself, not wanting to disturb any resting, lingering spirits. He didn’t want any more to do with the other side right now, not after what had taken place last night.

Phil looked up to see Dan approaching him. He paused his music and took out his earbuds, wrapping the cord around his phone.

Dan sat next to him in silence, like he was hesitant to bring something up. 

Phil waited patiently.

“Would you know,” he finally asked, “if he was still alive or not?”

Phil looked to the headstone that Dan had come from.

“Yes.”

Dan looked up at the gravestone.

“Do you mind?” Phil asked. Dan shook his head.

“Do you want to know?” Phil asked.

“I don’t know.”

Phil took his phone out of his pocket and left it next to Dan while he stood up and walked slowly, deliberately, towards Dr. Howell’s headstone. When he was standing right in front of it he stopped and reached out. He placed the palm of his hand atop the stone. He felt nothing.

Phil retracted his hand and retraced his steps back to Dan.

“Do you have your answer?” Dan asked, staring at his boots on the pavement.

“Yes.” 

Dan looked up at Phil.

“Your father is still alive.”

*-*-*-*-*

“I always thought that if the afterlife was real my dad would have reached out to me.”

Phil looked over at Dan driving.

“Is that why you’re so against believing in this stuff?” he asked.

“Yeah, it is.”

Phil titled his head. “Now what do you believe?”

“I don’t know.”

Phil turned to look out the front windshield.

“I can find him, you know,” Phil said quietly.

Dan glazed over at him quickly.

“What do you mean you can find him?” he demanded.

“I’m a psychic. I can try and find your dad.”

Dan stared ahead speechless before quickly slamming on his brakes. Phil shot forward, seatbelt catching him.

“Woah, what the hell Dan?!” Phil yelled.

Dan backed up.

“Seventy-three.”

Phil glanced up at the sign in front of him for exit 73.

“Do you know this place?” Phil asked in a hushed voice.

“My parents used to take me here as a kid.”

Dan pulled off the highway using the exit.

“What’s there?” Phil asked.

“Woods.”

*-*-*-*-*

Dan parked the car on the side of the road and stared deep into the forest.

“Isolated. Private. Do you think this could be where the files are?” Phil asked.

“I don’t know,” Dan replied and started walking into the woods.

Phil followed him in.

They walked for about 45 minutes listening to the sound of birds chirping overhead and squirrels rustling in the brush until Phil stopped. Noticing the lack of leaf litter crunching behind him, Dan stopped and turned.

“What is it?”

“There’s something here,” Phil replied. “I think we’re close to whatever we’re looking for.”

Phil started walking again slowly, leading the way, hands out in front of him and eyes closed. To Dan, Phil looked like he was impersonating a mummy.

Phil raised a foot to take another step and hesitated.

“Here.”

His eyes shot open.

Phil hunched down and started to gently brush away the leaf litter, then frantically started pawing at the dirt just like he had in Martyn’s backyard.

Phil dug and dug and dug and Dan was sure he wasn’t going to find anything until-

There.

A trap door.

Phil looked up at Dan, dirt smudged on his face from where he’d wiped away the sweat from his brow.

Dan stared down at Phil and then moved his eyes to the trap door.

The door was made from aluminum, and didn’t have a lock on it. Phil was able to grab it by the handle and open it up to his right. Below him was a ladder leading into darkness.

Phil looked back up at Dan.

“Brawn first,” he smiled, gesturing to the hole in the ground.

“More like guns first,” Dan smiled back and knelt to start climbing down the ladder.

“Well whatever you are, you certainly aren’t the brains,” Phil called down gently.

“Excuse me, I’m the detective.”

“And I’m sure you worked very hard for that position,” Phil assured him.

Dan’s disembodied voice floated up towards Phil. 

“Screw you.”

“Is that the best you could come up with?” Phil asked, more to himself than to Dan, and started climbing down the ladder as well.

“I hit the bottom,” Dan announced.

“You hit rock bottom?” Phil joked softly.

“I hit rock bottom the moment you walked into my station.”

“Ouch.”

Phil jumped when he felt a hand reach out and touch his back.

“You’re almost there, be careful.”

With his other hand Dan pulled out his phone and turned on its flashlight to help Phil see better.

“Thanks.”

Phil pulled out his phone and turned the flashlight on as well.

“Do you really think those missing files are down here?” Dan asked.

“I do,” Phil insisted.

Dan sighed. “How am I supposed to justify this in my report?” he asked rhetorically.

The room was larger than Phil had expected, like an underground bunker.

“What do you think this was originally used for?” Phil asked, shining his flashlight on a row of filing cabinets shoved up against the wall in front of them.

“I don’t know,” Dan said, making his way over to one of them.

He opened up a drawer. 

“For someone who wanted this information to be kept hidden, they sure didn’t take a lot of measures to secure it,” Dan pondered, flicking through the file folders.

“Hiking through the woods for forty-five minutes and digging up this trap door isn’t secure enough to you?” Phil asked incredulously.

“How hard is it to place a padlock on the trap door and lock these filing cabinets? They come with locks and keys when you buy them,” Dan countered. “How did they even get them down here anyway?”

“Probably the same way we got down here. What are you finding?”

“Well, these are the patient files alright,” Dan turned to look at Phil over his shoulder.

“What about the rest of the drawers?” Phil asked.

Dan huffed. “I don’t know, why don’t you start trying to open them and see, Wonder Boy.”

“That’s Boy Wonder to you,” Phil chuckled and moved a few filing cabinets down from Dan and opened a drawer at chest level.

“What do you see?” Dan asked, face still buried in his own drawer.

Phil looked back down and pushed all the files as far back into the drawer as he could, reading the first label. There was a name on it. Behind it was a different file with a different name. Then a third. Then a fourth.

So, these files were information on people. But what kind of information?

Dan took out the four files he’d briefly looked at and sat down on the cold, hard concrete floor with them.

“Make yourself comfy,” Dan joked, but Phil didn’t answer. He spread the files out in a semi-circle around him, picking up the first one and scanning it for key words that he hoped he could come across in the other three files.

It seemed to be some sort of informal employee record, each with a focus on one company: MedLife Corporation. 

Phil assumed that MedLife was the drug company that had supplied the cancer treatment trial to the local hospital, but there wasn’t much information on the corporation itself.

Phil closed the files and stood up, placing them back in the same order in the same drawer, which he left open. Behind him was a table with two chairs. Phil took a seat and Dan carried over a file, placing it on the table in front of Phil before sitting across from him.

“Let’s go over everything we know so far,” Phil suggested.

Dan wasn’t sure what that was, but he dragged a finger up on his screen and pressed the “record” button anyway, flashlight still on.

“Around 1999 there was a drug trail for a new cancer treatment here, but it went horribly wrong, and most if not all of the patients died. This was witnessed by the staff, including both of your parents. My brother was down here for college and looking for legal cases to consult on. Somehow he must have heard about this, even though it wasn’t big enough news to make it to the media. He helped patients file lawsuits against the drug company while they were still alive, but after they all died, it was easy to bury the evidence of something gone so wrong. That’s why your parents and my brother took these patient files, to hide them. They knew the drug company wanted to destroy the evidence they contained. They hid the information down here and started looking into the drug company, MediLife, so they could make a case against them. This company was more powerful than they expected, I think. And then your dad disappeared.”

Phil paused, waiting for Dan’s reaction.

“So you think the company kidnapped my dad because he was getting too close?” Dan asked.

“It tracks, doesn’t it? What better warning sign that to kidnap-”

“The head of the oncology department.”

Phil blinked in surprise. 

“You didn’t tell me that he was the head of the department.”

Dan leaned back in his chair. “Well, what can I say? ‘I kind of have a lot going on right now, so I apologize if some things slip my mind’.”

Phil gritted his teeth.

“So, they kidnap my old man and they do what, exactly, with him?” Dan asked.

“He’s the head of oncology. He could be a big asset to their team, to try and perfect the drug.”

“You think they’re still trying to get it right?” Dan asked, surprised.

“Curing cancer? You can’t put a price tag on that,” Phil insisted.

“You know big pharma will, though,” Dan replied sarcastically.

“Exactly.”

“So what now?” Dan asked.

“It’s around 2000,” Phil started, “The drug trial went really wrong and somehow they’ve managed to keep a lid on it, but they can’t count on being that lucky ever again. They can’t work this in a public hospital, it draws too much attention. So would putting up flyers. And if they keep murdering patients, someone is going to notice- unless you target a demographic that’s overlooked- the homeless. You have an increased chance of getting sick living out on the streets without access to medical care, and that increases your chances of getting really sick, not to mention all the things that have come before being homeless, like fighting in wars overseas and such. So they target the homeless,  and somehow they’re testing the drugs on these people.”

“That’s a great story, and even if it’s true, it leaves a lot of questions unanswered, mainly, where would we even start to look for them?” Dan asked.

“We find your dad,” Phil said.

Dan looked at him.

“We find my dad,” he repeated. 

*-*-*-*-*

“What do you think they do with the bodies?” Phil asked quietly.

Dan glanced over at him from the driver’s seat.

“Whose bodies?”

“The test subjects,” Phil explained, “the ones that don’t make it.” He loathed to call them ‘patients’. If he was right (and he knew, somehow, he was) they didn’t come in with cancer. It was given to them somehow.

Dan glanced back towards the road.

“Fire takes care of a lot of things.”

“Do you think that’s what happened to Martyn?”

Dan whipped his head towards Phil.

“Don’t say that.”

“Why not? That’s probably what happened to him, right? They brought him to the same old place they burn all the other bodies in, probably cut him up before hand to make him fit, maybe ground up his bones so there weren’t any-”

Dan reached his hand around and smacked Phil upside the head.

“Don’t you dare start thinking like that, okay? We’re going to find your brother’s body, and we’re going to give him a proper funeral-”

“Like the one you gave your dad?” Even as Phil was saying it he realized how in the wrong he was. 

Dan clenched his hands on the steering wheel and starred straight ahead, speed steadily picking up.

“Dan, I’m-”

“I oughta toss your ass out the car door and leave you bloody and bruised on the side of the interstate.”

It sounded kind of funny, but Phil didn’t argue. They spent the rest of the car ride in silence.

Dan slammed on his brakes in the parking spot of the motel parking lot when they arrived, narrowly missing the curb.

Phil opened the door slowly and closed it again gently when he climbed out, afraid any sudden movements or loud noises would set Dan off again.

Phil followed behind Dan through the glass doors of them motel lobby and let Dan make his way back up towards their rooms. Dan didn’t pause or turn around even when he noticed Phil was no longer following him.

Instead, Phil squatted in front of the display of brochures advertising local attractions. His favorite one was the Point Pleasant brochure with the shiny statue of Mothman on the front, however he wasn’t looking for tourist attractions. He grabbed a state map up by the top left of the display and carried to back with him to his room.

Phil sat on his bed, map still in hand, and wondered if he should go knocking on Dan’s door. Before he made his decision, though, Dan ended up knocking on his.

“Dan, I-”

“Save it,” Dan said. “Let’s just get whatever this is over with.”

Phil moved to the desk and spread the map out.

“I need your knife.”

Dan didn’t bother to ask how Phil knew he had a knife in his boot, but he took it out anyway, unfolding the blade and handing the hilt to Phil.

“Now I need you.”

“Geez, take a guy out to dinner first,” Dan muttered, coming closer.

“He already took me out,” Phil mumbled, still staring down at the map. “We had pizza.”

Phil grabbed Dan’s hand and flipped his palm up to face him. Before Dan could react, Phil slid the blade over the tip of Dan’s finger and flipped his palm back face-down so the blood dripped onto the map.

Dan yanked his hand back and clenched his fist.

“You’re going to make it bleed more if you do that,” Phil mentioned, eyes closed and hands outreached over the map.

Dan went into Phil’s motel bathroom and looked around for something to stop the bleeding. Unfortunately, he couldn’t find any paper towels, so a pristine, white facecloth it was.

Dan returned back to the desk where Phil was now hunched over, hands spread on either side of the map.

“It didn’t work,” he told Dan bitterly.

Dan looked down at the map.

“What’s it supposed to do?” he asked.

Phil backed up and hopped up onto the end of the bed.

“You and your dad share blood, and I can use that connection to find where he is on the map, but nothing came up.” Phil looked defeated.

“Well, how do we know he’s in West Virginia?” Dan asked.

Phil looked up at him and was quiet for a moment.

“We don’t,” he realized.

“So maybe that’s why it didn’t work.���

Phil was nodding. 

“You’re right, you’re right- we need a bigger map of the whole country.” Phil’s face lit up. “When I was younger, they had maps on the back of the menus at Cracker Barrel!”

“First of all, I don’t know if they do that anymore, and second of all, I’m pretty sure you just want an excuse to go to Cracker Barrel.”

“I’m hungry,” Phil pouted.

Dan sighed.

“Get your things.”

“We’re going to Cracker Barrel?” Phil beamed.

“No, we’re going to Walmart. They have a Subway.”

*-*-*-*-*

Phil pushed the carriage down the isles. Dan had initially pulled it out from the corral they were stored in, but Phil had asked if he could steer the cart. Dan had sighed, and agreed. Phil had smiled, and started pushing the cart further into the store.

They located a map of the world with the help of an employee and Dan lifted it off the rack and placed it into the cart.

“Thirty dollars? Jesus-”

“It has all the state capitals and major highways,” Phil explained.

“I know it does, but why can’t we just have a basic map for ten dollars?”

“Because how are kids going to learn the state capitals that way?” Phil asked.

Dan co-opted the cart from Phil. “I think they’ll manage.”

Phil grabbed on to the cart’s handles as well, placing his fists next to Dan’s. Dan let go and gave Phil control of the cart once again.

“Oh!”

Phil turned down the board game isle, looking up and down the shelves intensely.

“Got it!”

Phil grabbed a ouija board.

“What are you doing?” Dan exclaimed in a hushed voice. “Put that back!”

“But I need it,” Phil said.

“Put. It. Back.” Dan repeated sternly.

Phil moved to put it in the cart but Dan grabbed the other side of it before Phil could make it.

“Give,” Dan tugged.

“No!” Phil tugged back.

“You don’t need a ouija board!”

“I have my own money!” Phil tugged again.

Dan looked over Phil’s shoulder at a mother and her son who were staring at the two grown men. The mother took her son’s hand and quickly led him away. 

“What are you looking at?” Phil turned to look behind him and Dan used the opportunity to give a swift tug. The box fell between them and the board and planchette spilled out, clattering on the tile floor.

Dan took many steps back.

“Disarm that thing.”

“‘Disarm that thing’? It’s not a bomb, Dan.”

“Just shut up and shut whatever portal you just opened and put the damn box back on the shelf.”

“That I opened? First of all, you’re the one who dropped it, and second of all, that’s not how it works at all.”

Phil squatted to the floor and started putting the board and planchette back into the box.

“Leave that thing here,” Dan ordered.

“Fine,” Phil said, returning the box to the shelf. “I’ll just make my own back at the hotel.”

*-*-*-*-*

Back at the hotel, Phil did not make his own ouija board. Instead, they had once again spread the map out onto the desk in Phil’s motel room. Phil was quietly praying it would work this time.

“Hand,” he ordered.

Reluctantly Dan pulled the bandaid he’d applied off his pinkie finger and handed it back to Phil, tucking the used bandaid into his jeans pocket. Dan’s hands were rough and calloused, even though he was around the same age as Phil. He wondered how they got that way, but he didn’t bother to ask. It didn’t seem like the time or the place- or the right person.

Phil squeezed the tip of Dan’s finger over the map and the cut opened up once more, spilling tiny drops of Dan’s blood onto the laminated surface.

Phil closed his eyes and placed his hands over the map once more.

Dan rolled his eyes after a moment when, unsurprisingly, nothing had happened. He went into the bathroom to run some water over his finger.

When he came back out, Phil was sitting on the edge of the bed in his room.

“So?”

“So?” Phil echoed. “Take a look for yourself,” he gestured towards the map.

Dan walked over to the map, hand wrapped in yet another pristine white face cloth.

The drops of blood had moved.

“Texas?” he asked in disbelief.

“Yeehaw!”

[dramaphan]

Alright fun cool fresh (this took forever I was multitasking shut up)

•20 minutes isn’t as thicc as I’d have hoped but this is Phil so I’ll give him a pass

•also the fact that it’s not a mukbang is already bonus points

•oh good. Dans here. And he’s speaking. Talking even. Overjoyed by this

•what did he say

•their what

•sir

• “dost thou have a fucking problem” is the quote of the day so far one funny point to Dan too bad he lost 6 thousand funny points by mentioning his cock just a second ago

•dog mention 1

•ew ew ew I can’t do this I wasn’t ready for this to just be the yeah we’re saying it now show

•Dan having his mother saved in his phone as her name is so funny yes king we stan a dysfunctional family

•so what porn do we think he was watching

•wait is the fucking fish still in the plant pot I’m gonna lose my mind

•did Phil Lester just express an opinion about American politics stop the presses

•Phil how weak are your little baby hands you freak

•god the laser tag entrance comes right into the national tree museum what the fuck I hate this house

•Phil’s DAD painted them PHOTOS from JAPAN just SHOOT ME in my HEAD

•why does Dan have an obsession with inspo pics get your middle aged Pinterest mom ass out of my face

• “I’m not just simping-“ yes you are

• “I have some tasteful stuff” where, are you selling it, I don’t see it

•Phil why would it be betrayal that’s your own mother

•Phil sweetheart darling you do not have to take the blame for that horrible entrance

•please…. Dear god, it’s me, dramaphan

•Good to know dans insufferable mental health guy persona affects people in his real life too

•can I just say I’m obsessed with where we’re at with the whole are they gonna say it or not debacle because for this whole video so far they’ve been joking about their sex dungeons and something something our cocks and whatever else but still solely referring to each other as friend the whole time I’m obsessed with them I’m in love

•y’know sometimes I wonder what would happen if their iCloud or something got hacked but I don’t actually think there would be any information worth having considering their texts are This Way

•he thinks he over promoted it???? Sir you mentioned it three times

•hold on zoom enhance what’s that f word I’m seeing there Phil someone explain

•oh they deadass didn’t explain it does someone know if that’s a plant or did Phil just hate crime Dan live in the dm’s

•Phil worried about being mean to celebrities meanwhile his own entire fanbase lives to bully him

•Dan won’t post about things he’s working on because he feels like it’s cringe but he’ll post about getting busted open by his high school bullies or whatever what the fuck is wrong with this man

•you went where as what

•I do truly love how half of these are just Dan sending angry paragraphs and Phil ignoring him

•hey Phil share the ring login I wanna watch your doorbell

•that “am I annoying” text is the most mentally ill thing I’ve seen today

•oh he’s “coming back” in the new year wow can’t wait to see how he literally doesn’t come back at all

•has my life been better without you Dan? No, because just when it starts to improve, you tweet about hole

Conclusion: good vid. Gonna ignore everything Dan said about coming back

[dooandpoo]

Omg omg I have a suggestion too!! The cards against humanity video (or sth we want to tell you). I'm emotional ab this but your take and rambling on it is gonna make me lay down on the floor staring at the ceiling while simultaneously laughing I just know it. So yeah I'm sorry for being a weirdo but that's my suggestion hehe

Okay okay okay so this is nothing new and it’s not very interesting but!!! Hey did you know they’re gay???? And also IN LOVE????

Alright so let’s break this down. The very beginning of the cah: phan edition video, they’re already just oozing sweetness. Just look at Dan’s face when Phil says the “here, queer, and the rest of it” thing. He didn’t expect Phil to go for that, hence the little shrug and widened eyes. But more than that, he just goes so soft when Phil stumbles at the end and says “and the rest of it”! Like, there’s this short moment right before Dan starts laughing that’s just pure adoration. He looks at Phil like he hung the goddamn stars in the sky, does the sweetest, most in-love smile I’ve ever seen, and then he laughs. Dan is so happy to be back on camera with Phil! Not on his own, not yet. But with Phil!

We see this throughout the whole something we want to tell you video too. (Also, side tangent, huge kudos to Phil fucking Lester who used his fifteen years of internet fame to clickbait the hell out of us with that title. Like, sir, who gave you permission??? jk pls clickbait me all you like) So this is the first time we’ve properly seen Dan in an amazingphil video since 2018. He has hidden behind the camera, shown his face only on instagram or to the media in controlled ways, and Phil didn’t mention him basically at all. So when he showed up in swwtty, I certainly wasn’t expecting him to be so jubilant and excited! Like, Dan was proper chuffed to be sitting on that goddamn couple’s couch next to Phil and bragging about his forever home.

And here’s the thing; we talk about Dan a lot. We say how he is Loud, how he is so so in love with Phil, how he’s the other ice cream shop etc. But these videos are also a fantastic representation of how Phil changes with Dan around him! Look at this moment in cah. Phil is talking how he normally talks in videos, but he’s got this extra energy about him. And when he says “we don’t look like hedges!” (like okay mister you are very proud yes I see you) he does this cheeky uncontrollable smile! It’s so cute! He’s having so much fun. He loves making videos with Dan!

And of course there’s the stereo shows where they keep bringing up what their life was like in the past and how they planned everything around each other. And not only staying together and living together, but working together. Phil turned down that radio show in Manchester. They quit BBCR1 together, so they could take on new things. They wrote two whole world tours just to celebrate their community and what they love doing! So after two years of only barely mentioning each other at all, Phil finally gets Dan in his videos, and it’s all Dan-centric. Phil is so giggly! He’s so happy! His normal videos aren’t really scripted but they feel cohesive and he’s in control. In any dnp video? Phil is just exuberant. Planning seems to go out the window, but it’s always perfect. They play off each other effortlessly on camera, even after two years. They know how the other works intimately, and I do mean works. They are truly business partners and actual soulmates.

Listen what the start of 2021 has taught us is that Dan and Phil are forever. It doesn’t matter if we see it or not, they are in each other’s orbit no matter what, bouncing off each other beautifully and supporting each other and arguing over who’s gonna retrieve the weird metal ball from the neighbor’s garden. But 2021 has shown us that they really do love working together, having fun together onscreen, making content, whatever it is that interests them. I’m so glad that Dan took a break, because this year has taught me that he loves what he does, and so does Phil. Phil’s content was wonderful in 2019 and 2020, but swwtty and cah2 are testament to how much joy he brings when Dan is in on it, too. They genuinely enjoy each other’s company, no matter how much they complain about it and joke. Obviously they need their alone time, from each other and from the internet. But they are perfect for each other. They have a life together, a house, they work together, they hang out with each other even at parties. I’m so glad to be in this era of Dan and Phil.

[phanfictioncatalogue]

Christmas Hurt/Comfort Masterlist

A Toast to Now (ao3) - melapplesphan

Summary: It's Christmas Eve, 2016, and Phil Lester's plane home for the holidays has been delayed due to snow. In a fit of boredom, he finds himself taking an uncharacteristic leap and striking up a conversation with "DanielH."

Meanwhile, Dan Howell can't quite believe that AmazingPhil - the same guy who ignored his messages 7 years ago - just started chatting with him on Grindr.

All I Want for Christmas is You (ao3) - Evening42

Summary: Phil plans to spend Christmas apart from Dan again with their respective families, however all Dan wants is to spend Christmas together.

Christmas Party - cafephan

Summary: During a Christmas party with his friends, Phil finds himself alone and upset in a room full of loved-up couples. Dan is there to comfort him.

crimesmas (ao3) - cuddlydreamsonrainydays

Summary: Phil wants to graduate. Phil will graduate. And he'll do well. Whatever it takes. Even if he'll have to be a shell of himself for a while.Then, Dan comes along. Things do not always go according to plan.

or

He's a student first, a criminal next, and somewhere in the attic of himself, he'll find this thing he used to be, this person, too.

december 18th: mama's boy (ao3) - angelmichelangelo

Summary: when phil said kath had put up that shout poster in his bedroom when he came home for christmas :3

no matter how old phil gets, he's still babied by his mum

home is where the wifi connects automatically (ao3) - oqua

Summary: The wifi at Dan's parents' house is utter crap, which is definitely why he's always so miserable when he visits his family for Christmas. Because of the wifi.

(Or at least, that's what he chooses to tell himself.)

I’ll Be Home For Christmas (ao3) - wigglyfishh

Summary: Dan finds himself missing his home over the holidays.

make up something to believe in your heart of hearts (ao3) - The_Blonde

Summary: "A fic based in reality where Dan breaks Phil's heart. Maybe he cheats on Phil or breaks up with him or says something really terrible to him. The saddest fic ever that will make me ugly cry. Happy ending preferred but not required."

Because who doesn't love a bit of angst at Christmas?

Patching the Holes (ao3) - philsmeatylegss

Summary: Dan is really close with his grandma. He spontaneously decides to come out to his very homophobic family on Christmas. Obviously doesn’t go well. Then stuff happens

So tell me when you're going to let me in - definitelythor

Summary: After Dan's kicked out of his family home at Christmas, he picks up a hitchhiker on the way to York, and at first he wonders if he's made a huge mistake. But Phil's actually kind of perfect, and maybe fate does exist after all

there's no winning on christmas (ao3) - neopold

Summary: Phil bought an extra ticket, but Dan just can't follow him home for Christmas

something else is supposed to happen (ao3) - wrongbed

Summary: Dan hates going back to his family’s house for Christmas. He hates going back to his family’s house, period. But, honestly, he doesn’t really like going to Phil’s house either.

What We Are to Each Other (ao3) - orphan_account

Summary: So maybe they both suck at communication. Maybe Dan needs to talk to Phil about what they are to each other. And maybe Phil needs to sit his parents down and tell them that big, slightly scary thing about himself. But maybe it'll all work itself out, one way or another.

Where You Lead, I Will Follow (ao3) - orphan_account

Summary: all you have to do is call my name and I'll be there, on the next train.

would it be enough if i could never give you peace? (ao3) - orphan_account

Summary: They've been through a lot, over the years. Some days are harder than others, but they are each other's constant.

[philsbrownquiff]

the dangers of premarital divorce

guess what I wrote something!!!

words: 1702

summary: A reflection on all the years that Dan's commitment issues have motivated him in various ways, and how realizing he accidentally is planning on spending 20 more years with Phil is maybe a bit scary.

It had started years ago really, back in Manchester. They had always talked about the future, but never too far into it. But, like it is with all young loves, he had the idea of forever in the back of his head. He would sit with Phil watching anime, eating dinner quietly, laughing while playing video games, and he would think, "This could be my life. This could be how it is every day."

And of course he didn't really share these thoughts at first. They were almost too intimate to verbalize. They were intimidating. They were meant for late at night when he was by himself thinking about life at 3 AM. That was the only time he could really entertain them for any amount of time. They were filled with laughter and loving embraces and all of the things he had come to associate with spending the day with Phil. And it was good. He had never met anyone like Phil, and he intended to hold on as long as Phil would let him. And that was how it would inevitably end: Phil wouldn't let him. That's how it always was in his head. He was just holding onto the coattails of life, undeserving, and would therefore eventually be left in the dust as soon as he let up his grip.

The first time he realized that he might not actually need to be clinging on so tightly was when Phil had asked him to move in with him. It was so casual. They were laying together in bed one night with Dan's head perched on Phil's shoulder, his body tucked safely into the crook of his arm.

"Would you want to move in with me next year?" He had said, suddenly in the quiet.

Dan froze. Fucking of course he would want to move in. That was his ideal life, actually. But he was suddenly overcome with emotion that he wasn't able to process, and so he just froze for a few seconds, willing his brain to catch up. After what he is sure was an entire lifetime, he sputtered out a "y-yes, I would actually." He could feel Phil relax, even though he hadn't really been able to tell he was tense in the first place. Dan glanced up and saw the somewhat relieved and very much in love grin on Phil's face. It was a reminder that maybe Phil was clinging on tightly as well.

This was the first real time that Dan had realized maybe Phil wanted forever just as much as him. Which, in turn, would cause another problem for his undeserving and overthinking brain: who gave them the authority to decide. Up until now, it had been Phil that was deciding if they would stay together. It was Phil that would decide if Dan could continue to exist with him, because he so obviously wanted it. So if Phil was deciding that yes, he wanted to be with Dan for at least another year, that meant something else was going to stop them. He just had to figure out what it was.

The thing he decided would stop them was the world at large. Homophobia. Tabloids. Their fans. All of it would eventually combine and become too much. They would fall apart at the seams that Dan had tried so hard to re-enforce. It wouldn't be enough. One day, Phil would get tired of hiding or Dan would get so fed up with all of it that he would lash out in a way they wouldn't be able to recover from. And eventually, he thought it was happening. He had so fully convinced himself that this was inevitable, that he basically welcomed it in. One too many testy comments, one too many shut doors, a walk alone without his phone. Maybe it would be better this way. He could just grit his teeth and it would be over. He'd be on his own, just how the universe had destined him.

But that wasn't what he wanted. He wanted Phil. He wanted the security and comfort of being loved, of holding Phil in the night when he was anxious. He loved it, he loved Phil. He loved the home they had built and the career they shared. So he snapped out of it. He forced himself to fight for it, to fight the world and its odds in order to get to be with him and to keep the things he loved. And he did. He built an empire, tours, books, merch, and, while they were at it, started building a house.

And during all of that, he was aware of the pressures and he was aware of what he wanted. He was accomplishing a lot. Honestly, he didn't think about if he would get to keep it that much. He was otherwise occupied with defending this life he had made. So, when he realized that maybe he could stop fighting about it, he was a bit relieved. He could finally relax.

Idle minds do the work of the devil. Suddenly, he had time to think. They were out, they were building a house. He was writing a book. He wasn't impacted as much by his fans these days. All of his worries about what would break them up had turned out to be untrue (if this was because they were baseless or because he worked so hard to keep them from doing so, he could never be sure). But, that old seedling of thought that had haunted him for the last decade was still lying dormant in his mind: he didn't deserve this.

And that now had time to fester. It grew in his mind, this time without any reason. The future, something he could never be certain about, was suddenly his enemy. Dan had changed so much and in so many ways in his life, why couldn't it happen again? Phil could wake up one day and decide that he actually wanted to leave and there would be nothing he could do about it. Dan could wake up one day and realize he was straight, or that he hated Phil, or one of them could do something unforgiveable and nasty and harmful and they would have a bitter end where he would have a bad aftertaste any time he thought of the entirety of his twenties. He couldn't control the future. Any day, there could be another global pandemic (even though this still had not ended them) that throws them completely off kilter. It hadn't happened yet. But any day, it could.

Which is why when his friends started asking him when they were getting married, he told them to calm down. It's only been ten years of steady companionship and love. It's just a mortgage. Oh god, they had a mortgage. He started to get the same feeling he got when Phil had asked him to move in all those years ago. Phil wanted to spend thirty years with him now? Ten plus a 20 year contract. He started to recall the joint bank account conversations, the first time Phil had asked him if he wanted to be the emergency contact, the fact that they went to the same accountant and financial advisor, all of these things that meant forever. Oh god, why weren't they married at this point. They were already almost there except that one piece of paper. He had already signed himself up for something they didn't deserve and he would eventually change his mind about…right?

"I'm confused, Dan," Phil had chuckled out. "Are you saying you want to get married? Is this your way of proposing?"

"No, I mean, no, I just," he stuttered. What did he want? He wanted to keep things the way they were. He wants this life. He just knows he can't have it. His therapist would yell at him about this and he knew it. Deep breath. "I am just scared that I can't control the future. What if you decide to do something wild or what if I decide to do something wild. Then what? There would already be so much paperwork if we broke up, and then adding in a divorce? It seems ridiculous."

"Ah, so you want a premarital divorce instead…?" Phil trailed off, looking at him with those shining, mischievous eyes that Dan loved so dearly.

"God, fuck off, Phil. No! I'm just saying." He didn't need to elaborate. Phil was just taking the piss, he knew what he meant. He always does when it comes to things like this. That's what happens when you're together for this many years.

They were quiet for a moment while Phil got over his own joke. "Dan, we don't have to get married if you don't want to. If the label is freaking you out, then just forget it." They were quiet again. Phil stared at him. "You know, as far as I have been concerned, we could've eloped years ago. I would've done it. There's no guaranteeing the future, but that gives me more reason to make myself happy today. It could be gone. We could both die in a fiery explosion. And if that's the case, I certainly wouldn't mind being married to you until the very end."

Phil was right. Dan knew that. He was basically spitting his own advice back out at him. If life was meaningless and unpredictable, he may as well do whatever he wanted in the present. And he wanted to be with Phil. But he also knew that it was just a piece of paper. And that if he was going to get married, it would be the best damn party anyone's ever been to, so eloping is off the table. He supposed, maybe, he could just trust himself to make the right decision about forever. He had already made a 10+20 year decision on accident, and that was damn close to the marriage certificate.

But he wasn't about to admit defeat to logic. Not in front of Phil and god and everyone. So he didn't. He just sighed a long sigh with about 50 emotions embedded in it. "That's gay, Lester."