#peter parker is an idiot

[sicktember]

Peter had paid rapt attention, then turned his head to look at Mr. Stark once she was done talking. “Is this really happening? Did I hit my head and I’m hallucinating? Please tell me I’m not imagining this,” he pleaded with his mentor. “Dr. Cho is being nice?”

Mr. Stark snort-laughed. “Dr. Cho is always nice. We’re just pains in her ass and she reacts accordingly.”

“True.” Dr. Cho chuckled in response. “Now stop talking and let me focus on putting Peter back together before I change my mind about this whole thing.”

“Yes, ma’am. I will be stopping with the talking right now. Not a sound. I will not utter a peep—”

“Kid.”

“Yes, Mr. Stark?”

“Shut up.”

“Yes, Mr. Stark.“  

Tags: MCU, Helen Cho needs a raise, Peter Parker is an idiot, Tony Stark is a good mentor

[chocolateandredbull]

Peter Parker knows he has to eat a bit more than others to keep up with his metabolism.

But how much junk food is too much?

[i-ate-the-rats]

hehehehe oh shit indefinite sad dark shadow (⊙ˍ⊙).

[ten9th]

not shy aboud PDA here for these two :)

[nocek]

Peter's foolproof plan for Mayday's first bday party (one of many):

step one: distract Miguel with magic baby

step two: profit...?

step three: there is a bonus:

[mqonlighting]

hear me out: civilian deadpool au except he just keeps getting arrested for the STRANGEST THINGS (illegal ownership of a chicken? someone just dumped an egg on his street? it hatches when he’s trying to cook it for breakfast? he RAISED IT?) and matt murdock is his exhausted lawyer who has to keep telling him to shut up in the interrogation room.

does he ever actually go to jail? no, maybe probation, maybe a fine. but arrested? half sure every cop in the city is just sick of hearing about his life. every juror thinks he’s just morbidly unlucky and a tiny bit moronic.

and he is.

detective: (sigh) so you have a chicken?

wade: oh, yeah, yolko ono! she’s my pride and joy, i had a mug and a mousepad printed- *pulling out wallet pictures*

matt: wade. no.

wade: i could bring her over if you want-

matt: WADE.

one time matt has to spring wade for grand theft auto of the nice old lady he lives next doors to. the automobile he supposedly stole? a select elevated motorized wheelchair.

wade: she LENT me the chair.

detective: and how’d she do that?

wade: i broke into her backyard because i heard a thump and i thought she fell over.

matt: jesus—

wade: so she didn’t fall over. apparently it was a twig that fell on an ice chest. but she was there, and she was yelling ‘jazzy! jazzy!’ and i was wondering why she was telling me to grab her jazzy, but i wasn’t about to turn down a free jazzy. so i walk over to it, i turn it on, i hop on, i say thank you to the kind old lady, and i wheel it out of there.

matt: goddamn it, wade—

detective: you stole a permobil.

wade: pardon?

detective: the wheelchair was a permobil.

wade: she said it was a jazzy!

detective: …

detective: jazzy is her HUSBAND.

wade: …

detective: …

matt: i give up.

and the nail in everyone’s coffin? when the precinct brings in wade’s fucking kidnap victim.

peter: kidnap? me?

detective: were you or were you not kidnapped by wade wilson and driven to the middle of nowhere?

peter: listen, man, farthest wade ever drove me was to a gamestop in manhattan from queens. i don’t drive. and then i ask if we can hit a seven eleven, since i really wanted a bag of chips. but then i fall asleep in the passenger seat on the way there. and when i wake up, i’m home - he didn’t buy me the bag of chips, though.

detective: … and when state troopers spotted his car in philadelphia? with someone passed out inside?

peter: we were in philly? and he didn’t wake me up?

detective: do you seriously mean to tell me you were completely passed out for a two hour and ten minute drive?

peter: i’m a college student with rent due in a month and a new paper due every time i breathe. and wade is an idiot who doesn’t know left from right, boots up waze, says his goodbyes to the universe, and starts driving. i think there’s your case.

detective: …

detective: damn it.

[vettelsvee]

[erinwantstowrite]

Erin the comparison of JL vs the Avengers to Camp Jupiter vs Camp Half blood is toooo accurate 😭

JL: There’s an established system in place and contingencies for every foreseeable scenario

Avengers: fuck it we ball

peter thinks that the Avengers have it all together because they're his teachers and they're constantly telling him to use his brain but it's really because they, for the first time, saw their own "fuck it we ball" mentality in a teenager, and thought "oh my god maybe that is like... super dangerous." like when a parent was younger and they partied a lot and sometimes got into dangerous situations and thought "this is normal" until they had a kid and they quickly realized "oh that's why my mom was insane."

that didn't make them any better, it just made them hypocrites. peter just doesn't know that because they act super responsible when he's around

[gbirrd]

Protected by the law, from the law

[mel-kusanagi]

here's a wip of peter b tryna rizz up miguel (its working)

[sicktember]

“How can we even be having this conversation? You go to a smart school.” MJ shook her head in disappointment. “And while I am not actually invested in your health one way or another, I would be remiss in my duties as a human being to not advise you that, if you put that or any other mask on, you are going to catch some funky disease and end up camped out on some random sketchy bathroom floor begging for death.”

Even as they stood amongst the throng of fans pressing against the table filled with 100% American made, guaranteed authentic unauthorized replica masks of every Batman villain in the DC Universe, Peter could not understand her point.

“You’re being paranoid, MJ. Look!” He dropped the much handled mask that was in his hand, and grabbed at one still packed in plastic from closer to the bottom of the pile before pulling it from its packaging. “I’ll even try on a fresh one, just to make you feel better.”

“I know what I said and I meant what I said. I am telling you, Peter. You’ll regret this decision one way or another.”

Tags: Peter Parker is an idiot, Need Leeds is a Good Friend, MJ is simply MJ, tw: vomiting

[chocolateandredbull]

When Tony returns from a summer away from the city, Peter can’t wait to get back into the lab

But not for the reasons you might expect

[winterspiderpurrs]

Peter's bottomless pit of a stomach because of his powers.

Bucky's " Ma said that a way to a man's heart is through his stomach"

Peter being Bucky's taste test partner for all of the cooking he is doing.

Bucky smirking because he knows he has got Peter hooked. He just has to figure out how to actually ask him out.

Peter who has already moved in and thinks his boyfriend just wants to take it slow.

[spidernoirsleftboot]

is no one going to mention the fact that Noir took this egg through a whole fight with him, like it can NOT be that good bro

[nocek]

Is it a stupid idea? Yes. Did I have to go overboard and animate it? No.

But I had to and I'm not sorry ;P

[erinwantstowrite]

unfortunately for peter he's sooner or later going to contract the batfamily curse without hope of recovery (being bisexual)

he has no idea what's coming for him 😔 he'll figure it out slowly and painfully for everyone involved